initiate ocular scan mode . illuminate and recalibrate . gah . unthinkable . the horror . this is the first year my earnings are lower than the year before . im sorry , sir . these days , enlightened people like solar , and the consciously evil prefer fracking . wh why, , if this continues , in years ill be out on the street . sir , im sure theres some sort of inessential line item that no one will miss . mm hmm . effective immediately childrens health care will be cut from workers benefits . this meeting is over . god bless the united states of america and release the hounds . oh , i got three kids , and theyve all got health . i am so cursed . thats what you get for having a family . im gonna die like i lived nice and lonely . sweet . maybe we can get the kids government health care . oh , sorry , marge , thats gone , remember . because of those corporate tax cuts we all wanted . i didnt want them . you say so now , but i remember you back then . oh , corporate tax cuts . makers not takers . oh , every time ann coulter has a cold , you think shes me . im sorry , honey . well just have to cut back on the kids meds . back in my day , children didnt need no meds . you just gave em a slug of whiskey and sent em off to school . and if they lost their snowshoe , youd beat em with the other one . thats how we raised the generation that lost vietnam . bart , your old attention deficit disorder medicine isnt covered by insurance anymore , so well have to use a cheaper drug thats just as good . so goodbye , focusyn . hello , chillaxodol . mm . mom , i was just on hypochondria . edu , and i think you should see something . are you giving your precious child the generic add medication chillaxodol . yes . why . your child may experience unwanted side effects , including headaches painful spasms dry mouth ah . and whiskers mm . musical flatulence involuntary memphis juking sudden relocation marge hmm . mm . and a symptom that can only be described as dolphining . if you or a loved one is experiencing any of these side effects , you would do well to remember that life is heartless and brutal , and the cosmos is indifferent to us all . id say goodbye , but whats the point . without insurance , well just have to go to dr . nick . sorry , everybody . remember , if at any time you become a dog , then i can medicine you . no hope . theres no hope here . hmm . the healing magic of crystals . well , ive tried everything else . shalom , kind queen . i mean the hello shalom , but also the peace one . how can i soothe you . wow . that was a lot just now . but yet its only a snippet of the cosmic conversation . look , my son is having bad side effects from his add meds . his father wants him to join football for a nice , calming concussion . i have just the thing for you . crystals . healing crystals . i am pretty desperate . crystals are a timeless database of energy , knowledge and sparkling . scientists are finally waking up to what pyramids have known all along . i vant to suck your money . uh , maybe i could just buy a couple rocks and go . oh , theyre more than rocks . they make great stocking stuffers . and for hanukkah . uh , useless . marge hey . bart , its time for your add treatment . aah . hmm , maybe hes a little overtrained . its not a pill . oh , a suppository . fill er up . its not a drug . i want you to try these . hmm i believe . a paper by lisa . a paper by lisa . a paper by bart . an a . oh , my gosh , bart . could it really be the crystals . yes , definitely the crystals . you really got an a . no white out . the answers are actually correct . maybe he really did the work . or maybe he cheated , and i have to find out how . whoa . someone could use a chill out crystal . its made by your boyfriend , lis , the earth . lisa has a boyfriend . and this is how i find out . i dont know which of you two is dumber . so im a bit of a mystery , huh . huh . marge , i heard bart got an a . howd you do it . can you keep a secret . unless its about a person , yes . it was crystals . crystals , huh . i could use some of those for kirk . i want to seed the bed with them , so he doesnt crawl over to me . no worries . ill pick up more on my way home . oh , no , what happened . im closing the store . a cot finally opened up in this cult ive been trying to get into . congratulations , i guess . can i still buy crystals . just take em . in fact , you can have my entire inventory . thank you . now , enter my chariot to heaven . are you sure about this . of course . im ascending to a higher level of being . now , sisters , let us sharpie in the whites of our eyes . marge oh , wow . before passing on to a new owner , crystals should be cleared of their old energy with a combination of water and sulfur . which is just what comes out of our tap . the crystals got kirk a new job . with a uniform . thats right , im a batboy . nelson got an a on his test . this is going right up on the refrigerator in the front yard . marge , we need more crystals . marge im not even sure these things work . should i really be selling them . you know , these just might make me stop drinking . i guess i should . im gonna grind em up and snort em . marge , another a in my class for bart . im so impressed that a boy with barts jiggly wigglies could be cured by this pagan hogwash . you cant argue with facts . oh , dear , were running low on obsidian . almost out of moon potion . and theres no more brain powder . i can sell you brain powder in bulk . heres whose brain the powder is from . its a cow , but a very smart one . hmm . what else do you sell . oh , massage stones , copper bracelets , dream catchers , dream catcher filter replacements . this old one is full of dreams . i dont see anything in it . dont you see it . your dream of being a massive success . you see it . right there . see it . mm mmm . right there . see it . i think i am starting to see it . are you sure . do you really . i see it . yeah , okay , bring it down . less oprah , more chopra . i see it . i guess i could expand my product line . then i can really start making my own money , not be dependent on homer . did i hear not dependent on homer . boom . retired . you should still go in to work . i dont think i even remember how to get there . you were just there today . feels like that , doesnt it . here at murmur , we have everything a holistic mother might need . cactus milk . wicker birthing chairs . fairy traps . tibetan singing bowls . are these macaroons free range . yes . only made from coconuts that fall from the tree or are gently coaxed by woke monkeys . im sorry , marge , im gonna have to shut you down . you dont have a retail business license . well , chief , do i really need a license to sell that hemp body lotion sarah likes so much . and which is free to you . oh , i like it , too . but im gonna need more than that . hmm . mm hmm . mm . homer oh , marge . ive only done this before with monopoly money and salami . whered it go . its all right here , baby . we made today . whats that without the cost of goods .  . i love you . aint it beautiful oh , crystal blue persuasion better get ready gonna see the light love , is the answer oh , and thats all right so dont you give up now oh , so easy to find just look to your soul look to your soul and open your mind meep crystal blue persuasion so , those crystals must really be uncloggin your noggin , huh . yep . theyre making math problems like as easy as . mm . and what is . oh . um its . bart ay , caramba . ill figure out your scam . sorry , lis , i cant hear you over the bowl . you wont get away with it . i will stop you . because this is not oh , . singing bowl , you are so peaceful . luann bought worth of organic blackberries today . i hope she enjoys both of them . i need this for shopping . and this for a rainy day . do i hear thunder . namaste . were closed . what part of namaste dont you understand . im gonna need you to can it , marge . my name is piper paisley . do i know you . i have a healing beauty relaxorium in shelbyville . perhaps youve heard of plop . well , its wonderful to meet a fellow entrepreneuse . is it . if i wasnt botoxed as hell , id be frowning at you right now . east . thats a solstice stone , not an equinox stone . just nama stay out of my business . marge , honey , youve got to be careful . she means business . oh , look what it says . this means war . marge , dont say that . i got into this business because of the kids , but now i like it . you know what . im going to open up a kiosk in the shelbyville mall . on her turf . ugh . you dont belong there . what happened to that hoverboard guy . marge made me a better offer . you know you cant do this , right build a competing kiosk in the same escalator dump out zone . i mean , you cant . theres no more law and order in malls . aah . youve been living in my kiosk . if you call that living . well , bart , another a . looks like i brought my average up to a d . now to test my theory . aha . what the hell are you doing . i know what you did , bart simpson . its crystal clear . you hid the gettysburg address in a poster right by your desk , which you could read when milhouse distracted flanders . pure coincidence . i put all the times tables in newtons wig . and look what i hid in the apple . ew . you know , it would have been far easier just to study and get an a . yeah , but whats the point of that . im telling dad . not today . i got my book club . a confederacy of dunces . oh , is that the book . no , thats whos coming lenny , carl , barney , moe . the book we read was , uh , the girl with the dragon something . i didnt get through the title . yeah , me neither . it was just as boring as tinker tailor something . well , cancel the book club , cause bart has something he has to tell mom . why . you dont realize how bad this is , do you . you betrayed the one person who still believes in you . the dog believes in me . ruh ruh . dont you get it . whos the person thats always there when you need it . ill always love my mama shes my favorite girl ill always love my mama oh , my god . shes shown me nothing but love . how do i make this guilt go away . tell her the truth . no , thats not it . keep pitching . no , that is it . oh , fine . now , looky here . i learned swedish to read this here book , and we are gonna discuss it . nordic noir is known for its plain language and absence of metaphors . dig deeper . the novel reflects , implicitly and explicitly , gaps between rhetoric and practice in swedish policy . thatll do nicely . who wants cake . i said , who wants cake . our day of kiosk combat begins . my sisters abuse pipers free sample policy . mmm . i smell like the smoking area of a nice resort . schmear me like a bagel . now , phase two . the one force no kiosk can withstand a confused old person . somewhere in me is a yoni egg . i think it might be hatching . uh , they dont hatch . can you take that chance . mom , im sorry . i wasnt getting as because of the crystals . i lied . this crystal dont work . nelson got detention , and i got demoted from stripper to topless valet . kirk crawled over these and made his way to me . three times . one last thing to do . thats not the egg i was thinking of . keep looking . stop , . piper , stop . you win . i dont belong in this mall with all these legitimate businesses . i win . i win . me . im sorry , im just im very competitive . have you tried rose quartz . let me ask you something . do i look like an idiot . oh , i love your handbag . well , thank you . no prob , babe . i win . marge , honey , im glad youre home . ive been thinking . i want to be more than just mr . mrs . homer simpson . i want to get a job . you have a job . i know . raising the kids and looking fabulous . but i thought it would be nice to have somewhere to go every day . you work at the power plant . they call every morning and say , where are you . so youre not mad . oh , i love you . mwah . thank you for understanding . oh excuse me . i have a friend i think is here . um , i just wanted to make sure shes okay . marge . good to see you . but , really , not necessary . because everything here is run . run . whats happening here .  . i thought you were just getting massages . those were good . but the other stuff is blow up the bridge . previous episode springfield . springfield . this is dateline springfield . from a distance , the simpsons were the perfect family . homer and marge were high school sweethearts . she saved me from a dateless prom . he saved me from a life with my sisters . those two are monsters . cut to them , youll see . what are you filming us for . narrator marge and homer raised their three kids in an atmosphere of love , laughter and crushing economic anxiety . the only thing they needed was each other . when i first met the simpsons , in they were building affordable homes in pennsylvania . little maggie was going to be the next lindbergh baby . but john foster dulles had other ideas . dont interview grampa . he almost made ken burns quit the business . that pompous old fool was more boring than baseball . narrator little did the simpsons suspect that their american dream was about to be flipped upside down by the spatula of crime . home to a nuclear power plant and an active volcano , springfield seemed like the safest place in the world . but that tranquility was about to be shattered , in a mysterious crime that would tear the simpson family apart . tear us apart . nothing can tear us apart . tear us apart . mom , stop saying tear us apart . its tearing us apart . who wants mac and cheese . narrator our conscienceless reenactment begins as marge and lisa return home from a trip to the market . marge whatever we didnt spend , id donate to lisas secret college fund . lisa we hid it in the last place the men in this family would look . marge a jar of cleanser . what happened next was one of those life changing moments that always seem to happen under the sink . narrator the entire college fund , . was gone . and just like that , lisas dream of going to college for three weeks , without a food plan , was over . for any parent of young children , the thing you dread most is losing a can full of money . operator dispatch . state the nature of your emergency . lisa theres been a robbery . lisa send help . evergreen terrace . operator it wouldnt hurt you to say please . lisa its an emergency . you dont have to say please . operator sounds like whats been stolen are your manners . lisa please . operator help is on the way . youre welcome . lisa can i get your name , please . and your supervisor . lisa if i may . operator help is no longer on the way . lisa jerk . uh , chief , you found something . zero evidence of pringles , so so we were back at square one . it was not your typical break in . no sign of forced entry . i mean , the dog didnt even bark . somebody knew exactly where to rub him . the tummy . narrator a police reenactment confirmed the chiefs theory . oh , god , thats great . oh , theres no way im barking . oh , lou , you got to teach my wife to do this . narrator with zero evidence of a break in , police suspicion turned to the family . this just didnt pass what cops call the smell test . ive watched a lot of cop shows in my day . i consider myself something of an amateur policeman . let me just stop this documentary , or doc , here and now . we are good people . we do not steal . thats borrowing . borrowing . borr ow ing . narrator and so this nuclear family began to explode , as suspicion focused on one man . oh , what about the important clue the police missed . somebody set a drink down here without a coaster . that had to be a stranger . this is an expensive table , and my family knows i dont want it stained . doh narrator springfield detectives made a desperate plea to the public for help . they didnt have to wait long . milhouse nelson came to school today with a salon quality haircut . his family doesnt even have money for milk . he eats cereal with rain water . mr . teeny stole the money , like he steals all my scenes . i swear it on my very bone . sincerely , anonymous caller . but just as youre about to give up after two calls , you hit pay dirt . helen i would like to accuse marge simpson of stealing that money to feed her gambling habit . she told my husband , the minister , that she was an addict . in confidence , but , you know . narrator marge simpson . this suburban mother with olive oyl good looks had kicked her gambling habit years ago . or had she . marge i admit it . i couldnt resist the temptation . but then i did . narrator marge walked out of the casino and off the suspect list . shockingly , the mystery would not be solved in the first five minutes of the show . with marges name cleared , the police moved to the next suspect on their list , homer simpson . homers bar tab was spiraling out of control . five , six hundred bucks . that night , moe cut him off . im sorry yeah , our theory was that homer came home wasted , he fell , he shimmied and he found the money under the sink there , and he figured hed just use it to pay his tab . well its indisputable that homer visited the kitchen before going to bed . you see , we found spaghetti sauce splatter consistent with a very violent late night snack . this is , ah , this is not a flayvin situation . although , i still am compelled to say flayvin . lou sauce on the walls , the ceiling , under homers fingernails . that pasta fought hard for its life . what that man did to those leftovers im sorry , i cant continue . narrator but if the kitchen had been a tomato soaked abattoir that night , why had no one noticed in the morning . hmm . lou he cleaned up the kitchen after stuffing all the money into his pocket , so we just had to get those pants . fortunately , a simple sting did the trick . oh , super bowl in july . no money in these pants . all we find is candy coated peanuts , popcorn and a prize . now , thats some cracker jack detective work . get it . cracker jack . yeah . yeah . but as for evidence , we , uh , we got nothing . with homer still the prime suspect , and the investigation stalled , deadline springfield was in dire straits . the show desperately needed a cliffhanger commercial break . what if the real criminal mastermind was billionaire montgomery burns . why would i steal . thats nothing to me . this is what rich is . smithers , bring me some more money . need more convincing . no . well be right back . narrator police returned to their first theory could homer simpson have done it . oh , definitely . hey , youre gonna distort my voice for this , right . cause i dont want no one knowing that this is moe szyslak here . oh , and cut the name , too , yeah . narrator as moe szyslak said , homer was definitely a suspect . it was pretty clear , chief liked homer simpson for this case . well , geez , lou , i wouldnt say that i liked him . i just , uh why , did he say something about me . i mean you thought he was a person of interest . shut up . i can find someone interesting without being interest ed in them . shut up . yeah , but then new evidence came in that apparently cleared homer . phone records showed a six hour call from homers phone to a third party on the night of the crime . the dna revealed that it was a butt dial . yeah , and not just to someone on his speed dial list . uh . his dexterous cheeks dialed all ten digits . disco stu disco stu is unavailable for you . at the beep , you know what to do . when police played back homers message , it revealed a horrifying truth . homer didnt scrub the spaghetti sauce off that kitchen with cleanser . the sick bastard licked those walls clean . he had a little help . my first thought was to delete the message , sure , but then i started grooving to that slurping safari . i hadnt heard any other music than disco in so long . sometimes , a persona can just it becomes a trap , you know . i knew it couldnt be homer . every simpson is innocent . narrator until proven guilty . no . just innocent . what are you doing . stop panning across the family . they didnt do it . finally . ive been expecting you . like any normal healthy boy , bart has been the focus of numerous police investigations . but a mother knows when her son is innocent . and when shes kidding herself , and when shes turning a blind eye . this time hes innocent . just ask his friends . state your name for the record . bart simpson took the money . i admit i knew about the money under the sink , but whatever i borrowed , i always put back . also , . what would a ten year old boy do with that much money . slime . bart was buying slime . ive never seen such a cooperative witness . i brought extra batteries for your tape recorder , too . narrator slime . the gooey , harmless plaything wildly popular with kids today . id seen all the fads yo yos , pogs , pokmon , crunking , the short stories of john cheever . but this beat them all . on a clear day rise and look around you and you will see who you are my plan was , if i owned all the slime , id set the price , except thats when the bottom fell out . lucky for me , there was one gullible schlub who didnt realize the craze was over . i sold my entire stash to him . i have not agreed to be in your documentary . please go . bart so i put the money back i had borrowed from under the sink , and i filmed it because i knew no one would believe me . narrator so thats everyone in the simpson family , except for lisa , of course . it couldnt be her , right . nah . well , lets look at the oh , for gods sake . i asked lisa where she was when the money was stolen and she said , chillin . you know , maxin and relaxin . now these are the words of a very cool person , but lisa simpson is not even a little cool . so huh . marge oh , come on . no one , i repeat no one , would believe lisa could do it . but shes also a girl who wants a new saxophone . im just saying . ive been lisas supplier for years . reeds , wipes , valve grease . would she commit a crime over a new sax . did dave brubeck compose in time . he did . well count it out together . go ahead , give it a spin . oh , its the best bari sax on the market , a smoothphone jazzhonker in black nickel . but i wouldnt steal for it . narrator when we come back , lisa did it . no , i didnt . lisa , its your bedtime . i got to go . my moms reading me harry potter book four . narrator oh , yeah , the one where cedric diggory dies . you suck . narrator you did it . no , you did it , jerk . okay , . times up . the reeds mine . narrator you cant spell greed without reed . check it out . why did we agree to do this documentary . because all our biggest stars today come from true crime documentaries the jinx , making a murderer , and matt lauer on the today show . narrator it turns out lisa did not buy the new saxophone . someone else did . ive always wanted to play bari sax , but my father insisted on tenor . in you go . what do you think of this . youre still a disappointment . narrator but if lisa was innocent , why was she so reluctant to explain her whereabouts at the time of the crime . shut up about my lisa . i can tell you where she was . she was uh , bup , . mom . mom . no . err . apparently , some of the girls at school were lets just say i stole the money , okay . end of documentary . see you at the independent spirit awards . i took her to her hopscotch tutor . lisa i was hanging on by a thread , and now the whole world will joke about how i am the only girl who ever needed a hopscotch tutor . lisa , just repeat after me . one foot , two foot , one foot , one foot , two foot , one foot , two foot , one foot so stupid . who invented this game . the scotch invented hopscotch and scotch tape . what about scotch whiskey . never heard of it . see , i told you , all innocent . so maybe now you vultures can leave us be . narrator weve taken up enough of your time . lets go , guys . what are you doing . my familys in the clear . i want you to apologize to my wife . narrator apologize . us . oh , you will , and you know why . i am the last person that watches network television , including the commercials . i apologize . marge now promise that this scene will not be removed in editing . i cant promise that , only the editor can . i got him . im gonna report you to the american cinema editors . its just an honorary society . you take that back . whew . what a relief . so who did do it . it was obviously bart . its always bart . hey , nothing is my fault cause dad raised me so rotten . well , nothing is my fault cause my dad raised me so rotten . dont blame me . it was a race out the door and your mother won . oh , yeah . it was bart . to show how irresponsible you are . shut up , all you innocent people . i wish i was never responsible for you . stop it , stop it . youre tearing this family apart . and stop calling the sofa a love seat . i barely like it . narrator the great simpson robbery remains unsolved . justice may never be served , but at the end of the day , what matters is that we enjoyed watching bad things happen to human beings who arent us . ah . help , mother . wiggum you try not to dwell on your innumerable failures . instead , you stare out to sea and try to look like youre thinking deep thoughts . just like this . yeah . you got what you need . cause i got an itch , i got to scratch it . now lets celebrate . we got through a documentary looking better than before it started . nobodys done that since andr the giant . homer simpson , youll leave a ring . ta da . a snap on coaster . nifty , huh . what the . whered you get this thing . i invented it . how many of these things did you have made . a thousand . i wanted to start a business . a thousand , huh . that mustve been expensive . thats what i thought , but it was only cents apiece . so bucks total . when did you get so good at your timeses . it was you , but the whole time you denied it . it was always you . i can explain . no . no explanation . kids , get in here . for once in this marriage , you did the wrong thing . i am going to savor this . i am gonna wait until i do something wrong , and then okay , were even . well , let me just explain why . every day , you go out to your friends , to moes . life to you is an adventure . and i had an idea , an idea for something that might make me somebody . but i admit it , i was gambling , on myself . i understand , honey . i completely understand . whats going on . well , lisa , im afraid i have to say lisa , i just want you to know your mothers about to say that the money was eaten by rats . but how did rats get inside the can . uh grampa left it open . oh , why do they blame everything around here on me . oh , good , the cats done . marge , id like to take a walk with the greatest woman ever . oh . from that moment on , homer and i had never been closer . homer we shared a dark secret . it was so sexy . marge , i have a secret , too . im losing my hair . the great simpson robbery remains unsol w wait , what do you mean unsolved . what the hell is this . my public expects me to solve the mystery , bob . its not like we can just change the format of the show . you just read the copy . our viewers want one thing , its simple solve the freakin crime , be told who did it . and i am the soothing voice , the reassuring voice that ah . did you hear that . oh , my god , i snapped my right vocal cord thats the dulcet one . quick . prep him for cord transplant . we dont have a human donor . all we have is the vocal cord of a sheep . and im ba a ack . he has an unbelievable work ethic for a voice over actor . springfield . springfield . oh . both will you take us to mount splashmore . will you take us to mount splashmore . will you take us to mount splashmore . will you take us to mount splashmore . youre here , youre just in a long line . thank you . we appreciate it . points . follow me . where . points . points , excuse me , points . coming through , points . my visor . no , dad . no . weve been in line for an hour . hmm , you have a point . points . will you please explain where youre taking us , and dont just say points . okay . over a lifetime of credit card debt , and paying for credit card debt with worse credit card debt , this family has two million hotel rewards loyalty points , which we can only use at the nearest second best western motel . oh , dad , the points expire at midnight . no worries . if i average miles an hour for straight hours , well make it . i love you , homer . step on it , dad . and ill field this call from grampa . connection failed . grampa but my liver . so where exactly are we going . niagara falls . eh . meh . paid for by points . points . points . points . i spy a closed down toys r us . i spy a bankrupt sears and roebuck . doh . i dont know about this game . i find it a little circuit city overrun by wild dogs . bart and homer booyah . how can you booyah this countrys decline . cheer up , honey . were headed to the one place that can never decline , because it was never that great upstate new york . start watching fox news stop watching your weight there is no fancy part of it upstate new york theyre fond of their booze hot wing sauce is great im gonna clog my heart in it upstate new york i want to sleep in , a city that never wakes and find im fitting right in one of the gang par for the course the kodak plant closed but im longing to stay and go on disability in upstate new york cant make it anywhere but i can make it there i love you so upstate new york . benedict arnold fought here , baby . you want a quarter for the binoculars . i guess . those tourist binoculars are never that strong . lisa now , thats worth a quarter . bart so magnificent . hey , lis , want to bounce . not till ive soaked in the full majesty of the falls . and done . take that , blue boy . eat rubber , red head . i cant believe the kids are already bored with the view . mmm . while the kids are bouncing around , why dont we do a little bouncing , too . thats even more romantic than what you said at fort dix . whoa . lets see , the angle of rebound equals the angle of incidence . oh , i forgot to account for surface irregularities . okay , time to take a sick day . oh , god , oh , god , oh , god , oh god . oh , a rainbow . oh , god , oh , god , oh , god . where am i . oh handsome , horsey . am i in heaven . even better , eh . youre in beautiful canada is what id say if canadians werent too modest to brag . but we are . oh i have a young girl who may i repeat , may need medical attention , eh . i repeat eh . ms . simpson , youre a very lucky lady . oh , sweetie , thank god , thank god . your daughters fine , but i recommend a five day stay . of course , of course . well take out a third mortgage . sir , youre in canada now , where your health care is free . free health care . why cant america do that . shes delirious , doc . america cant pay for health care and give corporations the tax breaks they so desperately need . im not delirious . in fact , ive never felt more protected . not like back home . oh , hang on . did you just say you dont feel safe in your home country . why should she feel safe . in america , the great el barto roams the streets . so , let me get this straight youre afraid of america . is that right , young lady . well , theres voter suppression shh . and utter disregard for the environment shh . a president whos such a son of a shh . oh , save that language for the lower . no , im telling you . our president really is a god shush . we know . lisa , as youre clearly a victim of political persecution who fears for her life , i must keep you in canada where youll be safe and assigned your own hockey team . please not ottawa , please not ottawa . yeah , im , so sorry . you cant keep my daughter . shes the heart and soul of this family . hey . what am i . youre the spleen . we dont know what it does and we dont care . my hands are tied , maam . shes in the asylum pipeline now . you cant separate us from our child . thats americas thing . well , then you leave us no choice . we have to deport you , canadian style . great . come on . bring it in , bring it in . lisa , are they taking care of you . are you eating okay . look , im fine , eh . were losing her . mom , im okay . they put me in a nice foster home with gord and francette here . enough with the accent . okay . lisa , where should we go for dinner tonight . harveys or swiss chalet . how about mr . submarine . or earls . dont forget humptys . mmm , restaurant chains i never heard of . homer , you take bart back to springfield . i am going for my daughter . local smarty pants lisa simpson has been abducted by americas ned flanders to the north , canada . here in springfield , reactions to lisas loss have been loud and uninformed . lisa was the moral center of this town . now its barney , who knows nothing . except it is the purpose of government to see that not only the legitimate interests of the few are protected , but that the rights of the many are conserved . shut your gibber hole . ow . ugh . she was the only one in this band worth a tinkers damn . oh , come on . you know you all stink . weve been working on the same song for years . can you fall in love with a country . the science textbooks acknowledge climate change . class , lets give an enthusiastic but quiet hello to lisa simpson . students hello . as an american , id like to apologize for something our president said about your wonderfully progressive prime minister . is there any way i can send a note . or maybe i could right this way . oh . hmm . mr . trudeau . yes , lisa . oh . i am really , sorry about what our president called you . i dont think about it , ive moved on . weak . he called me weak . absolutely . let me ask you . does this look weak . seriously . wow , that is impressive . uh , watch your tie . so , listen , if i could just ask you one question about the snc lavalin scandal . mrs . scarborough now , lisa , well be doing a class play based on a great canadian novel . the apprenticeship of duddy kravitz by mordecai richler . maybe next year , oliver . its never duddy . no , were doing a child friendly version of the handmaids tale . oh , id like to try out for offred . oh , so youre asking directly for something you want . well , thats not very canadian , but i like it . ive never been happier . polite applause , children . yay . no . hi , mrs . simpson . i have to get my daughter back . can i hide in the trunk . okay , but dont tell anyone were going up for beer . marge and drivers we all know . doh . whats this blue stuff , eh . oh , um , its called a car tail . stupid new american fad . oh , well get it in six months . move along . squeaky voiced teen good bye . where is she . mom . oh , sweetie . mmm , this is the best hug weve ever had . yes , its wonderful . please dont make me leave . your home is with us , not them . you must have known i wasnt happy in springfield . all i did was play the blues . are you sure you didnt play the blues because slow tempos are easier . maybe a little . but this country is better . their fox news is just news about foxes . listen , you little traitor . im your mother . and you live where i live . youre coming home with me . im really gonna miss this place . if it makes you feel any better , canada exploits its environment , too . wha . this country does it all . tar sands , strip mining, , mountie mocking, , geese goosing, , french fry gravying . okay , but im sure you treat all peoples equally . except the qubcois . and the newfies . kids stupid newfies . im a newfie . whee . i guess that does make me feel a little better . thank you . where the wind blows cold and theres ice and snow some days go on forever but im warm and fed in a newfoundlanders bed ill be an islander forever ill be an islander forever . marge sir , wed appreciate it if you gave us safe passage back to america . sorry , but as it now says on the statue of liberty , no re entry without hand stamp . where do you get the hand stamp . there isnt one . our top story tonight estranged brew . marge simpson and her daughter have now been banned from the united states , just like asbestos . and this just in asbestos is back into americas hospitals and schools . let me just say this asbestos will be reinstalled with the greatest of care . oh , homie , i dont know how were gonna get back . hmm how soon can you grow a mustache . that wont work . your call . hmm , at least it looks like youre getting along okay without us . you know , since lisa and i are stuck here , maybe you should move up here with us . great idea , great idea . what the heck . bring bart . no way . i cant move to canada . i revere this country . really . the last vote you cast was for quisp . and i won . maybe we could find a way to sneak out . i snuck in . you do what you want im not leaving . okay . you win , lisa . looks like were gonna be here together . but theres one thing i need you to do . take one last look at the country you left behind and focus on anything good about it . youre right . americas like a great boyfriend that maybe got a little fat and lost a little hair . what does that have to do with anything . just go . good bye, , usa . i feel like we did the best we could . and we can still be friends . okay , now im gonna focus on the good things that youve got . abe lincoln dumbo aretha franklin , eleanor roosevelt , seabiscuit , the computer that won on jeopardy . watson what is we miss you , lisa . judy blume . oh , i own all your books . i know , i read my royalty reports . having awkward new feelings for your country its normal , lisa . and youre one of my favorite readers . welcome home , lisa . well , i havent decided yet . hello , lisa . louis armstrong . yeah . and im mighty tired of having to keep appearing in your fantasies . get your ass back over here . yes , sir , satchmo . america aint perfect , but its my job to make it better . see you soon . what are you going over there for . its legal now . watson what is pass the dutch . psst , mom . psst . i want to go home . oh , finally . were out of this hellhole . who made my bed . least i could do . we will get you across the river . nous allons vous faire traverser la rivire . god , it wastes so must time saying everything twice . i feel so relieved to have finally made up my mind . oh . we must ditch our excess cargo . you two . youre abandoning us in the middle of a frozen river . wow , canadians really can be jerks . yes , for every martin short , there is no shortage of shatners . hope you wash up on a shore you like . homie . dad . guess whos here to save the day . why did you get a truck so big . its the smallest one detroit makes . how will we get in . i know one place where theres always plenty of room . i missed you , krusty burger where theres only one thing i can eat . i missed you , pony i had for a week . i missed you , snarky comic book seller . thanks for nothing . i missed you , nuclear ash that looks like snow . i missed you , mixed martial arts megachurch . i missed you , ralph . you were gone . now can we do duddy kravitz . no , were gonna watch an episode of the beachcombers . oh for my show and tell , i brought something from my trip to canada . what did you do this week , sir . well , a japanese tourist took pictures of me , i fed my horse an apple , and i found a very interesting man hiding in medicine hat . papa . hey , nelson , good news . youve got a brother in fort mcmurray . whats his name . how would i know . springfield . homer my three kids . willie everyone , out of my kitchen . brandine , do i come off as a yokel or a hayseed . well , you are versatile , darlin . you can play anyone in the trailer trash spectrum . a yeah, , im a regular benedict cabbage patch . ralph meow . community thespians , today we return to turn of oklahoma . farm boys are farming . cowboys are cowing . and , carl , do you think your character ike skidmore is bringing his cell phone to the box social in . i see him as a forward thinking guy , a tech first adopter . you know how i see him . not played by you . lenny , get yourself out of that horses patoot . youre ike skidmore . yee haw . a speaking part . this is gonna be tan fastic . geez , dont make it into a song and dance . ive got spurs that jingle , jangle , jing my spurs stuck in my eye . carl , youre back in . well , only with lennys blessing . you dont have it . im doing it anyway . okay , marge , this is your big song number . youre ado annie , the girl who caint say no . now , do you have any qualms about playing this part . no . wrong , . you caint say no . now , wheres my handsome curly . right here . now , this i can work with . homer okay , maggie , what shall we do while mommy rehearses . the dog track is closed . you can come visit me . i didnt hear that . hmm , what shall we do . why is this place so popular . do they serve booze . is it a baby fight club . is there a big screen tv . do they serve booze . are there free doughnuts . meet batman . do they serve booze . were going to find out . why in the hell is daddy and me class packed . youll understand everything when chloe comes out . quiet , shes coming . i borrowed my granddaughter just for this . i said i was taking her to feed the ducks . like i have bread money . hi , dads . whos ready to do the wiggle worm dance . i vant to viggle like the vorm , ja . a wiggle worm giggles and a wiggle worm waggles lets all wiggle like the wiggle worm does . oh , i get it , shes sexy . maggie . how long have you been here . why does this line say curt when im talking to curly . no , you see , curt is in parentheses . it tells you how to say the line . obviously lying yeah , no , i knew that . impressed noise . you really know your stuff . okay , actors , in the words of william shakespeare , find your x and shut up . geez , all right , easy . all i ask is that you give me the performance i have pictured in my head but have not communicated to you . our curtain opens on sun drenched fields of undulating golden corn . o stop , . this set is terrible . that corn isnt as high as an elephants eye . oh , you wanted the corn to be high . i have never seen such incompetence and idiocy in a theater . you have made me hate you all . excuse my salty language in front of aunt eller , but why dont you just take a hike . oh . get lost . losing temper , we dont want you here . turns to cast , i saved the play . marge , surely you want me to stay . actually , no . for the last time , thats the one word you caint say . this is mine . i brought it from home . now what do we do . i learned a to speak like a the oklahoma for this . con a sarn it . everyone , stop , just stop . chief , no more gunplay . but i wanna . just listen to me . what if i directed the play . hey , thats a good idea . i mean , she directs homer and the kids out of the house every morning . and i direct traffic . thats a stupid analogy . i think marge makes us all feel good about ourselves . mmm . yelling in unison . all marge . marge . marge . yay . wait a minute , if this is a real gun , wheres the prop . poor lou . all right , you asked for it . uh , wh wh wants oklahoma . tickets . front row . i can get you three together . this is a really complicated show . so much gingham . we need a show that we can actually pull off in springfield . small cast , simple sets , and some hip hop, , but not real hip hop . great , but i got to be someplace , so , real quick , the best kind of original show is one that rips off a big hit . whats the biggest hit . hellzapoppin . no , hamilton by lin manuel miranda . oh , the guy from in the heights . now , how did i know that . im back . all right , whos our alexander hamilton . that would be me . thanks to this furnace filter , you wont be saying burr anymore . no , our most famous historical figure jebediah springfield . ill write a musical biography , warts and all . i cant see how that could fail . now im in a hurry maggie and i have a daddy and me class . arent you forgetting something . keys , wallet , i dont think so . oh , sure . im happy to take maggie . you sure like that class . oh , uh , some dads just love to be with their little girls . can i go . sorry , no . humpty dumpty sat on a wall . humpty dumpty had a great fall . oh poor little eggy , leaking your goo . the red queens not looking , ill kiss your boo boo . humpty j . dumpty , are you eating yourself . maybe . excuse me , excuse me , pal . take care of your kid . i im so sorry . i was just yeah , i know what you were just . lisa lets see killed a bear , founded a town , died of a beaver bite . lis , youre gonna love it . i came up with the perfect opening . okay lisa is so stupid , so very , stupid so dumb and stupid and smelly , too she has a real bad temper , a bad , temper and shes smelly , too . youre just motivating me . i need to finish this . ah , my muse . marge okay , my first day as director . so hard to dress for respect . no . no . no . got it . hey a, , buddy , whatll it be . moe , its me . midge . i thought it was hillary clinton . give me a vodka , straight up . are you sure youre not hillary . our new production will be bloody jebediah , a hip hop musical about our citys founder . is it respectful . not entirely . what .  . why dont we start by going around the circle and saying what parts were playing . im marge , the director . luann , jebediahs wife . carl , quarrelsome settler . i got a bone to pick with this part . beautiful , use it . next . lenny , mayor of shelbyville and an ostrich . frink , tech crew . always crew . hollywood only lets in one bill nye in a generation . with the nerdy and the hoyvik and the reference only i understand . and , of course , our incredible star , sideshow mel . finally not a sidekick . this is my time to shine . your first line is on page . what .  . yo , jebediah survived the pox never used clocks didnt wear socks , thats what we learned from examining his docs , and now the mic drops . boom , et cetera . krusty , whats wrong . its happened the worst possible thing that can happen to a performer . what do you mean . im in an article entitled , where are they now . right above judd nelson and new coke . ill tell you where judd nelson is . hes on my show tonight . ah . fantastic . whats that thing you were doing . oh , uh , local theater . you wouldnt be interested . hey , im a performer , an artist , which means im always interested in money . live theater is the only thing getting ratings these days . who owns the rights . a mrs . marge simpson . oh , really . lets see what kind of bargain mrs . marge simpson drives . so youll get of the profits while i get foreign distribution rights in venezuela for a window of three weeks . so my little shows gonna be on tv live . yep . this is the first time a woman has signed something with me where i didnt lose custody of something . so where will we stage it . outside , where the lighting is free . oh , are you sure thats not risky . well , some would say im taking a risk with an original play and a first time director , but show business is based on risks . risks and comic books . excuse me . so , marge , are you ready to beg me to come back . actually , llewellyn , were doing fine on our own . no need to grovel . you dont actually have to say anything . okay , fine , ill come back . no ones asking you to come back . you know what . just for that , i wont come back . fine . please , im begging you , take me back . all right , but beware , hell hath no fury like a director scorned . now , if youll excuse me , i have to sneak my headshot onto the wall . and poof . youre flushed , plummer . i hired you to bus tables . hmm . im researching a role . now , mom , before you go into that production meeting , i want to pass along a quote from f . scott fitzgerald . great art is the contempt of a great woman for small art . he actually said man , but hed have wanted me to change it . didnt he also say , show me a hero and ill write you a tragedy . yes , but he also said , never confuse a single defeat with a final defeat . but didnt he also say , there are no second acts in american lives . just get in the meeting . the bagels are getting hard . theres my jebediah . marge , im leaving the show to fulfill a lifelong dream playing prospero in the tempest . you cant quit now . were live in three days . we have no understudy . and you were gonna bring the edibles for the wrap party . not my problem . theres nothing i enjoy more than watching a director trying to talk an actor out of leaving for a better part . dramatic twist . sing a song of sixpence , a pocketful of rye four and blackbirds baked in a pie . stay in there , you stupid blackbirds . darling , youre supposed to kill the blackbirds before you put them in the pie . homie , . homie . homie . blackbirds . blackbirds . homie , wake up . what are you dreaming about . uh , daddy and me class . you are a great father . oh , i wish i felt like a great director . fine , if you want me to quit the class , ill do it . who said anything about quitting . ive had enough people quit on me today . marge , anyone who can raise two girls and two boys the way youre doing can do anything . youre gonna make it . ive got a special announcement today . youre gonna wear the perfume i bought you . even better . barrys divorce came through , so im able to leave this class and marry him . come on up , barry . later , losers . barrys not sitting cross legged anymore . uh , why him . maybe i have the cutest baby . or maybe the first words i got her to say were i love you , chloe . i love you , chloe . we sang wheels on the bus together . well , thats it . time to wheres the baby i brought . ah , geez . i wont be dating her grandma anymore . so i guess were not doing the class . wait a minute , the part you liked was spending time with me . aw . well , ill always dance with you , sweetie . hmm . okay , no pressure , but i need to find a new lead in the next minutes . preferably a name . is bumblebee man available . no , hes playing don quixote in man of la mancha . damn it . why is this towns theater scene so vibrant . im here to audition for the part of macbeth . its not macbeth . is it macduff . not macduff . well , theres no other parts worth playing . thats it . were doomed . well just have a bake sale . will you serve haggis . no . im out . a pioneer with no fear shooting deer on the frontier spotlight that singer . and the crowds all cheer jebediah springfield found the town right here . yes , glavin , its me , with the gomer pyle voice and the unexpectedly good singing . youve got the part . thank you . save your voice . all right , then . marge , as your producer , im gonna inform you of a problem , then blame you if you cant solve it . now what . theres one thing a first time director cannot control . bruce willis . no , the weather . marge , its going to rain during the show . how hard . well , lets just say i hope you liked the movie waterworld . ambitious , eh , but unsatisfying . you might want to consider canceling . i dont know much about showbiz , but i know one thing the show must go on . huh . i never heard that before . really . well , tell me to break a leg . why would i do that . its violent and cruel . well theres no business like show business . nah , now thats not true . most show business companies are part of much larger conglomerates . just get the hell out . that ive heard before . hmm . going live . break a leg , everyone . man what . man why would you wish that . lenny youre mean . let me tell you about a mystery of our citys history an out of was our founder despite his latent bigotry how did this pioneer domineer persevere , then die right here . before the tire fire , a man named jebediah made springfield the new frontier cue camera three . cue bart . whoa . thats right , my name is jebediah springfield there is none to whom i yield no king to whom ive kneeled tonight my secrets are revealed jebediah springfield now , this bear and i are one and the same he gave his life so that i could have fame jebediah springfield . marge cut to commercial . thats a cut to commercial , everyone . john lithgow . i like to work . oh , uh , line , please . grrr . no , you fool , a rescue line . mom , what do we do . improvise . lisa , i need a five minute rap about the cruelty of the sea and the brave souls who rise above it . no problem . can i make sly analogies to todays politics . no . youll date it . the bullets flew like rain as buffalo were slain who wants to change the channel . eh , either theyre all dead or its a hit . fifty fifty . and now i have a raging fever bitten by a rabid beaver i didnt fight for equal rights i wish id done more for non whites but no more time for jebediah all thats left to do is die a . barney in unison audience marge . marge . marge . this is the happiest moment careers are getting shorter than ever these days . marge , we got the highest rating in modern tv history . a .  . congratulations . i did it . i directed a popular off broadway musical . and i wrote a popular off broadway musical . and i caught an octopus on main street . what a day . and the winner for outstanding lead performance in a play or musical . oh , mein gott . its sideshow mel for the tempest . barbara , you can put the kids to bed now . is what id like to say , but im childless . one pie to the groin wont do damage , they said . they were wrong . nominations , zero awards . welcome to club snub , marge . feel the bile rising , the bitterness that will never presenter and a special award for best newcomer , marge simpson . damn it . springfield . each year , one graduate receives the prestigious golden baton award for the most impressive future conductor . but this year , we have two worthy recipients . two . thats right . gustavo dudamel and local wunderkind , mr . dewey largo . im sure you will each achieve tremendous renown . no , wait . i believe that one of you will . and the other will fail and have a horrible life as a public school music teacher . oh dudamel . dudamel . yo yo ma . oh , dewey , my pouty poppet . youre having that dream again . oh , its so cruel that my only triumph has become my recurring nightmare . oh , darling , youre cursed with the memory of an elephant . and the wrinkles to match . cant you just wake me with a slice of melon and a drop of affection . whatever you say , lord grumpy of the morning breath . now , petal , dont forget to call the dog walker . tell him to come early . and easy on the leash . oh , its on my list . also , dont forget to call someone about the water bill . i suspect a sputtering spigot . you know , you are home all day . hence my annoyance . now , if youll excuse me , pinterest awaits . oh , shut up , sir winston , or therell be no cigar for you . man dear mr . largo , i am the musical director of the capital city philharmonic . ive heard youve got talent . big talent , major chops , the goods . so ill be attending your concert tomorrow night . intriguingly yours , victor kleskow . p . s . i will be bringing an outside beverage . large , icy , nonalcoholic . okay , gang . our recitals tomorrow , and were gonna be ready . and if you play the way i know youre capable of , youll never see me again . you have hidden talent bubbling inside you , and this baton will pop it right out . sherri , more fortissimo . terri , more pianissimo . milhouse , dont forget to tune your what the heck are you playing . no one really knows . well , then , wear it on your head . here we go . im gonna do something ive never done as a teacher before actually try . one , two , three , four . are you sure were at the right school . i mean , they sound good . oh , my gosh , its bearable . sir . did it move you . skinner , didnt i ask for a buffer chair between you and me at all of these events . uh uh . buffer . brilliant . how did you manage it . it was good , wasnt it . lets just say i separated the wheat from the chaff . im in the f hole . oh , salieri , patron saint of losers , runners up and also rans, , please let this garfunkel become a simon , this pepsi become a coke , and this ugly duckling conduct swan lake . hi . victor kleskow . were conductors , so dont shake hands just a friendly wave on the beat of four , three , two and done . im honored , maestro . lets cut to the chase . that was good middle school good . tonight , i witnessed a once in talent that i must add to my organization . dewey uh huh . have to keep talking , or can i meet lisa simpson . but but shes a child . yes , im scouting talent for our youth philharmonic . surely , you didnt think i wanted you . no , of course not . lisas right over there . red dress , intelligent expression . cant miss her . mr . largo , he picked me . im sorry . im really glad you get to represent us . its like a little piece of me is taking a baby practice step . that is so generous . yes , there is an upside to having a broken spirit . mr . kleskow said my articulation was the best hes ever heard . he said i sounded like a young cannonball adderley . oh , is that the raccoon on saturday morning cartoons . im talking about the famous jazz musician . i dont know who youre talking about . the guy im thinking of would make himself into a ball and knock over all the crows . homie , this class is miles each way . we can do it . ill practice in the car . miles in the car with lisa practicing . ive got a symphony for you . sucks to be you sucks to be you , sucks to be you sucks to be you , sucks to be you . we cant afford a babysitter every day . bart will have to come along . and maggie , too . well , i got to ask . should we really sacrifice everything for a gifted child . well always regret it if we dont . okay . i wanted you to argue with me . youth orchestra costs a month . wheres that money gonna come from . well , i have an idea , but you might not like it . remember the show breaking bad . about a dad who was desperate for money . homer , no . marge , yes , i can do it . i can sell my box set . we havent even listened to the commentaries . okay , not that . i could always switch to a double shift and work nights at the plant . isnt that dangerous to your health . you think im in danger . i am the danger . im the one who knocks . well , thats so protective . its also a quote from breaking bad . you are really far behind . man and jesus said unto the samaritan woman good , . when the spanish station overpowers the christian one , were getting close to the city . bart why do i have to be here . i specifically didnt get good at anything to avoid drives like this . if you were me , would you trust you home alone . hmm . whos the new girl . what does she play . too small for a tuba . too big for a flute . well , maybe its her lunch . hi . im lisa simpson . shh . he might hear you . are you okay . dont tell him im sick . the sick are left to die . wow , even the violas are tense . everyone , say hello to lisa simpson . shes an actual musician , so she will be a strange and wonderful creature to the rest of you . well start with one of the classics . theme from knight rider , second movement , bar . one , two , three , four . i may have misspoken . miss simpson , was that an f sharp or a g flat that you played . well , thats a trick question , because theyre the same . oh , we have a music scholar in our midst . youre right , they are the same . and if only you had played either one of them . sorry . no , . its my fault . ive been too soft on you , lisa . ive been letting you coast for almost two minutes . that ends now . lisa alone , theme from moonlighting , second movement , andante . ow . ow . ow . ow . ow . bart . bart . just killing time . ow . ow . ow . ow . ow . lisa . lisa , sweetie , are you okay . he yelled at me , humiliated me in front of everyone . and then i never played better . aw , so were doing this every day . i guess so . oh , man . ive already got seat cushion butt . look . i sat on a nickel . you can see the date . thats a buffalo nickel . its really valuable . threw it in the gutter . coins are boring . hey , welcome to the night shift . what are you in for . because i hit the jackpot . my kids got a big future with the jazz . oh , i hear you , youll do anything for your kids . then they turn on you . well , i am through . happily estranged . is that my kids . oh , boy . steam valve . its never them . its pretty dark in here . can we turn on some more lights . uh , no . the company cant afford the power . arent we a power company . never get high on your own supply . uh , mom , i think maggie wants to go home . maggie , is that what you want . lets go home . lets go home . im sorry , is this annoying you . maam , day care is happy to watch your son . bart simpson , well behaved child . please dont google me . in you go . who are you losers , and why am i locked in here with you . were the siblings . our brothers and sisters are the talented ones . do you know what its like being second banana to a third chair . shut up , miles . hey , i dont belong here . youre one of us . all one of us . one of us . afterthought . also ran . second string . girl unwanted child . youre pretty well dressed for a kid . im a parent . a prize winning novelist with no musical talent . all right , first order of business , do we have any chair challenges . excuse me , whats a chair chall great , our first volunteer , out for blood . lisa versus brian , winner gets first chair . lisa , how could you . no , i didnt mean to . go , or ill call you both ubers back to loser town . damn it , surge pricing . ill call it in later . go . ive heard enough . brian , that was perfect for second chair . lisa , you have his spot . i had a good run . no , you didnt . oh , gosh , im sorry . never apologize for talent . did mozart apologize . i dont know . i wasnt there . and even if i was , id have been pushing a plow . you think everyone gets to hang out with mozart . lisa whoo hoo . first chair . well , im off to the night shift . ill miss you most of all , prime time tv . dad , do my feelings matter . of course they do . we just dont have as much time for them as usual . go ahead , tell me what youre thinking . well , i i hear you , i understand you , and i love you . but i just put the rest on my fathers day card . mwah . ill see you at breakfast . theres nothing worse than being the parent of a kid with promise . oh , gosh . ive been so selfish . thats right . the only one who should monopolize this familys time and attention is me , because i could go at any moment . unless i keep talking . talking , . thats what keeps the grim reaper at bay . i saw quite a bit of the grim reaper back in the war . back then , we called him the ticket out of germany . but the seating was cramped and the food was lousy . and that was the start of american airlines . man accidentes . no problema . telfono ocho ocho maggie , what are you doing . ill help her , mom . help . help . i was promised ice cream miles ago . were here . homie . everythings breakfast all the time . eggs . all im eating are eggs . i think its turning my skin yellow . homie , are we sacrificing our familys happiness for the sake of one member . when lisas making millions of dollars playing for the utah jazz , itll be worth it . the jazz is a basketball team . no , its oh , my god , what have we done . okay , listen up , you guys want to be in your siblings shadows your whole life . all yes . its cool in the shadow . well , im gonna tell you how to get attention . are you sure . that sounds risky . i dont know about that . heres what you do misbehave . call your dad by his first name . if its sticky , spill it . make a shirttail wiener . yes . ill do it . yeah . simpson , a word . about your time with this band , i am afraid its almost up . are you kicking me out . i wish . ending peoples musical careers is why i got into music . but no , your sin is having a birthday soon . you have to audition to move up to the next group . how old are they . nine to . and then whats the group after that . fame , fortune , an affair with hans zimmer . well , sir , im ready for all but the last one . you think youre ready . in nine to we play notes youve never heard of . m flat, , j sharp, , v , cursive g , frank , natural . and those are just the ones you can hear . i know youre playing mental games with me , and i take it as flattery . smart . always smart . well , this isnt a game . itll cost your parents more money , and its a half hour farther from everywhere . oh , well , i guess i better talk to my family , then , and tell them the , uh the good news . auditions are tuesday . i sense youre conflicted . i was conflicted once . band leader or prison guard . i chose the one where i could be more cruel . so tired and irritable . shut up . you shut up . the usual , sir . thank you , lloyd . and let me say , no one enables a descent into madness better than you . i understand the familys getting to be a bit of a problem . yeah , but what are you gonna do . i hear radiation poisoning is a painless way to go . maybe sprinkle a little plutonium in the salad . i dont eat salad . exactly . i see . no , i dont . kill your family . how do i do that . with the plutonium . well , where do i put it . in the salad . to what end . to kill your family . just what are you driving at . simpson , what the hell are you doing . get back to your post . geez , i nearly went insane just to put my kid in an after school music class . im beginning to think its not worth it . please , dont fire me . oh , dont worry . what happens on the night shift stays on the night shift . im not gonna hurt you . im just gonna bash your brains in . theres our head of human resources now . well , this is it . if she makes it , its five more years at least of driving . i gave maggie a sketch n etch to calm her down . homer oh , my god , she has talent , too . what are you looking at . uh , nothing . make something else . lisa im doing it . im gonna make it . oh , but if i keep being this good , itll mean more practice and more driving and more resentful looks from the baby . wonder what im gonna do . ugh , i hate defining moments . stop . thats it , you failed . have fun playing for nickels on the street at the corner of good but not great and disappointment boulevard . you dont exist for me anymore . youre pretty mean for a teacher . yeah . you should see me as a father . so , guess this is the last time were doing this drive . lisa , are you okay . sure . fine . never been better . hmm . you werent crazy enough to fail on purpose just to make life better for the rest of us . im fine . probably , if id gotten it , all that work would have killed my love for music . or i think you would have gotten better and loved it more . i know i loved that . and i love that i drove you to violence . dont make me come back there . you wouldnt fit , fatso . oh , wouldnt i . maggie , are we good . oh , wow . why does this car always smell of cheese puffs . is someone sad snacking when he drives alone . its not like i have anyone making me breakfast . but were almost home , so close your eyes . theres a big surprise . come on , close them . this is silly . close them . oh , petal . surprise . a man , for me . no . i changed the locks , and im kicking you out . but but who gets sir winston . his name is poochini . very well . poochini it is . thats all i ever wanted . i love you . springfield . springfield . itchy scratchy the simpsons se episode script bart vs . itchy scratchy i love a good panel . krusty clearly hates being there , but he still gets super mad when anyone but him talks . please welcome the legendary stars of the krusty the clown show . hey hey . and a non writing producer . oh , non writing . hey hey, , kids . all hey hey, , krusty . have we got a great panel planned for you today . what is it , howard , the usual crap . oh , yeah , thatll kill some time . kids , call the police . this isnt a sketch . ah . my legs . stick to the script . ladies and gentlemen , miami sound machine . come on , shake where do you come up with your ideas . im a genius . next . are there any plans both for another krusty movie . were waiting for a story that needs to be told . once we see that , well copy it and call it a parody . oy . does anyone have a question that hasnt been asked a thousand times . i have the worst fans in the world . now weve got a big surprise for the best fans in the world . were making some big changes to your favorite cartoon . man its different . its an all female reboot of itchy scratchy . both oh , my god . pretty enlightened , eh , kids . we here at the krusty show really care about gender diversity . ask anyone our lawyers , our attorneys , anyone . a girl itchy scratchy . no , this cant be . theyve ruined my childhood . your childhood is currently happening . thats how i know . it doesnt make any sense . in real life , itchy and scratchy are dudes . girl mice dont have the upper body strength to wield a chain saw . is truth dead . boys boo . ah , you boys are leaving me for video games anyway . zap , youll all die alone . girl power is where its at . that movie where superman was a chick made a megillah of shekels . am i right , ladies . see . girls like my pandering . remember this if theres ever a gender war . oh , this is the worst change krustys ever made to the show , even worse than sideshow leonard cohen . when girl itchy scratchy comes on , we should totally hate watch it . no , everybody come over to my house , and well turn off the tv the second that girl cartoon comes on . well hate not it . yeah . hate not . yeah , that wont not show em . i never really thought about itchy and scratchy as male or female , but it is cool that theyre girls now . i always thought they were a married couple , and thats why they fought so much . mom , theyre different species . i dont know what to be liberal about anymore . i am so pumped to hate not itchy scratchy . ive not popped the popcorn , the lights are not turned down . perfect . listen , son , im proud that youre starting to hate things , but take it slow . if you use up all your hate when youre young , one day youll be an old man who likes things that suck . announcer tonight , cabbage . it is a lovely shade of gray , and just look at the wrinklin . all im saying is , if they ever make a female mr . magoo , i will lose it , i will just lose it . krusty hey hey, , kids . its time to tickle your funny bones and your equal employment opportunity commission bones by presenting the all new, , itchy scratchy . now to sit in silence till its over . blindfolds on , gentlemen . this is lisa simpson , recording my reaction to this historic moment in cartoon womens history . singers they fight , they bite they bite and fight and bite , krusty now theyre girls singers the itchy scratchy krusty girls . may i . i got my ticket for the long way round two bottle o whiskey for the way and i sure would like some sweet company and im leaving tomorrow what do you say . when im gone , when im gone youre gonna miss me when im gone youre gonna miss me by my hair , youre gonna miss me ha ha . i knew you couldnt resist watching . and guess what , you laughed . it was funny . i i wasnt laughing . i i was crying a and burping . and open . we did it . we prejudged something without giving it a chance . i am so proud of us . like bart simpson would ever watch a girl itchy scratchy . never gonna happen . yeah . that little liar . if only people could know that bart laughed even harder than i did all right , you soda squirting hypocrite , i know exactly what to do with this video . toshua josh welcome to josh . the show for people who want to look at the internet but dont have a computer or a phone . you know what bugs me about old guys at the gym . they always forget to wipe down the machine . he means the blood . now , this boy says he hates all girl itchy scratchy , but then this happened bart , you got to see this . some old guy at a gym got hit by a boat . also , now everyone knows youre the worlds biggest hypocrite . you said you werent gonna watch it , and then you did and you loved it . then you got busted and i called you in here and laughed at you . and im still doing it . look at you . what a jerk . well , bart , how does it feel to be trolled , memed , giffed , and , dare i say , pwned . how do you know those words . i read about them in parade magazine . big deal , i was exposed as a liar on the internet . ive got so much cred built up , nothing can take me down . you betrayed us , bart . and worse , you betrayed your own wang . you know what . yes , i laughed at a cartoon . why . because it was funny . so what if itchy and scratchy are girls . i laughed , and you cant take back the laugh . girls arent funny . theyre hot or moms . or both . girls stole itchy and scratchy . what are they gonna take next , our body spray . our puka shell necklaces . yeah . lame . girls get everything bigger , softer baseballs , chick flicks , two piece bathing suits , and on house hunters international , they always choose the house that she wants . hes right . the wife gets the beach view , but its always a longer commute for the husband . you know , youre right . oh , yeah . you guys see whats happening . youre listening to milhouse . so . maybe we are . milhouse they are listening to me . the next thing i say must be perfectly chosen to show i am worthy of leadership . get him . sixth graders . tweens .