initiate ocular scan mode . illuminate and recalibrate . gah . unthinkable . the horror . this is the first year my earnings are lower than the year before . im sorry , sir . these days , enlightened people like solar , and the consciously evil prefer fracking . wh why, , if this continues , in years ill be out on the street . sir , im sure theres some sort of inessential line item that no one will miss . mm hmm . effective immediately childrens health care will be cut from workers benefits . this meeting is over . god bless the united states of america and release the hounds . oh , i got three kids , and theyve all got health . i am so cursed . thats what you get for having a family . im gonna die like i lived nice and lonely . sweet . maybe we can get the kids government health care . oh , sorry , marge , thats gone , remember . because of those corporate tax cuts we all wanted . i didnt want them . you say so now , but i remember you back then . oh , corporate tax cuts . makers not takers . oh , every time ann coulter has a cold , you think shes me . im sorry , honey . well just have to cut back on the kids meds . back in my day , children didnt need no meds . you just gave em a slug of whiskey and sent em off to school . and if they lost their snowshoe , youd beat em with the other one . thats how we raised the generation that lost vietnam . bart , your old attention deficit disorder medicine isnt covered by insurance anymore , so well have to use a cheaper drug thats just as good . so goodbye , focusyn . hello , chillaxodol . mm . mom , i was just on hypochondria . edu , and i think you should see something . are you giving your precious child the generic add medication chillaxodol . yes . why . your child may experience unwanted side effects , including headaches painful spasms dry mouth ah . and whiskers mm . musical flatulence involuntary memphis juking sudden relocation marge hmm . mm . and a symptom that can only be described as dolphining . if you or a loved one is experiencing any of these side effects , you would do well to remember that life is heartless and brutal , and the cosmos is indifferent to us all . id say goodbye , but whats the point . without insurance , well just have to go to dr . nick . sorry , everybody . remember , if at any time you become a dog , then i can medicine you . no hope . theres no hope here . hmm . the healing magic of crystals . well , ive tried everything else . shalom , kind queen . i mean the hello shalom , but also the peace one . how can i soothe you . wow . that was a lot just now . but yet its only a snippet of the cosmic conversation . look , my son is having bad side effects from his add meds . his father wants him to join football for a nice , calming concussion . i have just the thing for you . crystals . healing crystals . i am pretty desperate . crystals are a timeless database of energy , knowledge and sparkling . scientists are finally waking up to what pyramids have known all along . i vant to suck your money . uh , maybe i could just buy a couple rocks and go . oh , theyre more than rocks . they make great stocking stuffers . and for hanukkah . uh , useless . marge hey . bart , its time for your add treatment . aah . hmm , maybe hes a little overtrained . its not a pill . oh , a suppository . fill er up . its not a drug . i want you to try these . hmm i believe . a paper by lisa . a paper by lisa . a paper by bart . an a . oh , my gosh , bart . could it really be the crystals . yes , definitely the crystals . you really got an a . no white out . the answers are actually correct . maybe he really did the work . or maybe he cheated , and i have to find out how . whoa . someone could use a chill out crystal . its made by your boyfriend , lis , the earth . lisa has a boyfriend . and this is how i find out . i dont know which of you two is dumber . so im a bit of a mystery , huh . huh . marge , i heard bart got an a . howd you do it . can you keep a secret . unless its about a person , yes . it was crystals . crystals , huh . i could use some of those for kirk . i want to seed the bed with them , so he doesnt crawl over to me . no worries . ill pick up more on my way home . oh , no , what happened . im closing the store . a cot finally opened up in this cult ive been trying to get into . congratulations , i guess . can i still buy crystals . just take em . in fact , you can have my entire inventory . thank you . now , enter my chariot to heaven . are you sure about this . of course . im ascending to a higher level of being . now , sisters , let us sharpie in the whites of our eyes . marge oh , wow . before passing on to a new owner , crystals should be cleared of their old energy with a combination of water and sulfur . which is just what comes out of our tap . the crystals got kirk a new job . with a uniform . thats right , im a batboy . nelson got an a on his test . this is going right up on the refrigerator in the front yard . marge , we need more crystals . marge im not even sure these things work . should i really be selling them . you know , these just might make me stop drinking . i guess i should . im gonna grind em up and snort em . marge , another a in my class for bart . im so impressed that a boy with barts jiggly wigglies could be cured by this pagan hogwash . you cant argue with facts . oh , dear , were running low on obsidian . almost out of moon potion . and theres no more brain powder . i can sell you brain powder in bulk . heres whose brain the powder is from . its a cow , but a very smart one . hmm . what else do you sell . oh , massage stones , copper bracelets , dream catchers , dream catcher filter replacements . this old one is full of dreams . i dont see anything in it . dont you see it . your dream of being a massive success . you see it . right there . see it . mm mmm . right there . see it . i think i am starting to see it . are you sure . do you really . i see it . yeah , okay , bring it down . less oprah , more chopra . i see it . i guess i could expand my product line . then i can really start making my own money , not be dependent on homer . did i hear not dependent on homer . boom . retired . you should still go in to work . i dont think i even remember how to get there . you were just there today . feels like that , doesnt it . here at murmur , we have everything a holistic mother might need . cactus milk . wicker birthing chairs . fairy traps . tibetan singing bowls . are these macaroons free range . yes . only made from coconuts that fall from the tree or are gently coaxed by woke monkeys . im sorry , marge , im gonna have to shut you down . you dont have a retail business license . well , chief , do i really need a license to sell that hemp body lotion sarah likes so much . and which is free to you . oh , i like it , too . but im gonna need more than that . hmm . mm hmm . mm . homer oh , marge . ive only done this before with monopoly money and salami . whered it go . its all right here , baby . we made today . whats that without the cost of goods .  . i love you . aint it beautiful oh , crystal blue persuasion better get ready gonna see the light love , is the answer oh , and thats all right so dont you give up now oh , so easy to find just look to your soul look to your soul and open your mind meep crystal blue persuasion so , those crystals must really be uncloggin your noggin , huh . yep . theyre making math problems like as easy as . mm . and what is . oh . um its . bart ay , caramba . ill figure out your scam . sorry , lis , i cant hear you over the bowl . you wont get away with it . i will stop you . because this is not oh , . singing bowl , you are so peaceful . luann bought worth of organic blackberries today . i hope she enjoys both of them . i need this for shopping . and this for a rainy day . do i hear thunder . namaste . were closed . what part of namaste dont you understand . im gonna need you to can it , marge . my name is piper paisley . do i know you . i have a healing beauty relaxorium in shelbyville . perhaps youve heard of plop . well , its wonderful to meet a fellow entrepreneuse . is it . if i wasnt botoxed as hell , id be frowning at you right now . east . thats a solstice stone , not an equinox stone . just nama stay out of my business . marge , honey , youve got to be careful . she means business . oh , look what it says . this means war . marge , dont say that . i got into this business because of the kids , but now i like it . you know what . im going to open up a kiosk in the shelbyville mall . on her turf . ugh . you dont belong there . what happened to that hoverboard guy . marge made me a better offer . you know you cant do this , right build a competing kiosk in the same escalator dump out zone . i mean , you cant . theres no more law and order in malls . aah . youve been living in my kiosk . if you call that living . well , bart , another a . looks like i brought my average up to a d . now to test my theory . aha . what the hell are you doing . i know what you did , bart simpson . its crystal clear . you hid the gettysburg address in a poster right by your desk , which you could read when milhouse distracted flanders . pure coincidence . i put all the times tables in newtons wig . and look what i hid in the apple . ew . you know , it would have been far easier just to study and get an a . yeah , but whats the point of that . im telling dad . not today . i got my book club . a confederacy of dunces . oh , is that the book . no , thats whos coming lenny , carl , barney , moe . the book we read was , uh , the girl with the dragon something . i didnt get through the title . yeah , me neither . it was just as boring as tinker tailor something . well , cancel the book club , cause bart has something he has to tell mom . why . you dont realize how bad this is , do you . you betrayed the one person who still believes in you . the dog believes in me . ruh ruh . dont you get it . whos the person thats always there when you need it . ill always love my mama shes my favorite girl ill always love my mama oh , my god . shes shown me nothing but love . how do i make this guilt go away . tell her the truth . no , thats not it . keep pitching . no , that is it . oh , fine . now , looky here . i learned swedish to read this here book , and we are gonna discuss it . nordic noir is known for its plain language and absence of metaphors . dig deeper . the novel reflects , implicitly and explicitly , gaps between rhetoric and practice in swedish policy . thatll do nicely . who wants cake . i said , who wants cake . our day of kiosk combat begins . my sisters abuse pipers free sample policy . mmm . i smell like the smoking area of a nice resort . schmear me like a bagel . now , phase two . the one force no kiosk can withstand a confused old person . somewhere in me is a yoni egg . i think it might be hatching . uh , they dont hatch . can you take that chance . mom , im sorry . i wasnt getting as because of the crystals . i lied . this crystal dont work . nelson got detention , and i got demoted from stripper to topless valet . kirk crawled over these and made his way to me . three times . one last thing to do . thats not the egg i was thinking of . keep looking . stop , . piper , stop . you win . i dont belong in this mall with all these legitimate businesses . i win . i win . me . im sorry , im just im very competitive . have you tried rose quartz . let me ask you something . do i look like an idiot . oh , i love your handbag . well , thank you . no prob , babe . i win . marge , honey , im glad youre home . ive been thinking . i want to be more than just mr . mrs . homer simpson . i want to get a job . you have a job . i know . raising the kids and looking fabulous . but i thought it would be nice to have somewhere to go every day . you work at the power plant . they call every morning and say , where are you . so youre not mad . oh , i love you . mwah . thank you for understanding . oh excuse me . i have a friend i think is here . um , i just wanted to make sure shes okay . marge . good to see you . but , really , not necessary . because everything here is run . run . whats happening here .  . i thought you were just getting massages . those were good . but the other stuff is blow up the bridge . previous episode springfield . springfield . this is dateline springfield . from a distance , the simpsons were the perfect family . homer and marge were high school sweethearts . she saved me from a dateless prom . he saved me from a life with my sisters . those two are monsters . cut to them , youll see . what are you filming us for . narrator marge and homer raised their three kids in an atmosphere of love , laughter and crushing economic anxiety . the only thing they needed was each other . when i first met the simpsons , in they were building affordable homes in pennsylvania . little maggie was going to be the next lindbergh baby . but john foster dulles had other ideas . dont interview grampa . he almost made ken burns quit the business . that pompous old fool was more boring than baseball . narrator little did the simpsons suspect that their american dream was about to be flipped upside down by the spatula of crime . home to a nuclear power plant and an active volcano , springfield seemed like the safest place in the world . but that tranquility was about to be shattered , in a mysterious crime that would tear the simpson family apart . tear us apart . nothing can tear us apart . tear us apart . mom , stop saying tear us apart . its tearing us apart . who wants mac and cheese . narrator our conscienceless reenactment begins as marge and lisa return home from a trip to the market . marge whatever we didnt spend , id donate to lisas secret college fund . lisa we hid it in the last place the men in this family would look . marge a jar of cleanser . what happened next was one of those life changing moments that always seem to happen under the sink . narrator the entire college fund , . was gone . and just like that , lisas dream of going to college for three weeks , without a food plan , was over . for any parent of young children , the thing you dread most is losing a can full of money . operator dispatch . state the nature of your emergency . lisa theres been a robbery . lisa send help . evergreen terrace . operator it wouldnt hurt you to say please . lisa its an emergency . you dont have to say please . operator sounds like whats been stolen are your manners . lisa please . operator help is on the way . youre welcome . lisa can i get your name , please . and your supervisor . lisa if i may . operator help is no longer on the way . lisa jerk . uh , chief , you found something . zero evidence of pringles , so so we were back at square one . it was not your typical break in . no sign of forced entry . i mean , the dog didnt even bark . somebody knew exactly where to rub him . the tummy . narrator a police reenactment confirmed the chiefs theory . oh , god , thats great . oh , theres no way im barking . oh , lou , you got to teach my wife to do this . narrator with zero evidence of a break in , police suspicion turned to the family . this just didnt pass what cops call the smell test . ive watched a lot of cop shows in my day . i consider myself something of an amateur policeman . let me just stop this documentary , or doc , here and now . we are good people . we do not steal . thats borrowing . borrowing . borr ow ing . narrator and so this nuclear family began to explode , as suspicion focused on one man . oh , what about the important clue the police missed . somebody set a drink down here without a coaster . that had to be a stranger . this is an expensive table , and my family knows i dont want it stained . doh narrator springfield detectives made a desperate plea to the public for help . they didnt have to wait long . milhouse nelson came to school today with a salon quality haircut . his family doesnt even have money for milk . he eats cereal with rain water . mr . teeny stole the money , like he steals all my scenes . i swear it on my very bone . sincerely , anonymous caller . but just as youre about to give up after two calls , you hit pay dirt . helen i would like to accuse marge simpson of stealing that money to feed her gambling habit . she told my husband , the minister , that she was an addict . in confidence , but , you know . narrator marge simpson . this suburban mother with olive oyl good looks had kicked her gambling habit years ago . or had she . marge i admit it . i couldnt resist the temptation . but then i did . narrator marge walked out of the casino and off the suspect list . shockingly , the mystery would not be solved in the first five minutes of the show . with marges name cleared , the police moved to the next suspect on their list , homer simpson . homers bar tab was spiraling out of control . five , six hundred bucks . that night , moe cut him off . im sorry yeah , our theory was that homer came home wasted , he fell , he shimmied and he found the money under the sink there , and he figured hed just use it to pay his tab . well its indisputable that homer visited the kitchen before going to bed . you see , we found spaghetti sauce splatter consistent with a very violent late night snack . this is , ah , this is not a flayvin situation . although , i still am compelled to say flayvin . lou sauce on the walls , the ceiling , under homers fingernails . that pasta fought hard for its life . what that man did to those leftovers im sorry , i cant continue . narrator but if the kitchen had been a tomato soaked abattoir that night , why had no one noticed in the morning . hmm . lou he cleaned up the kitchen after stuffing all the money into his pocket , so we just had to get those pants . fortunately , a simple sting did the trick . oh , super bowl in july . no money in these pants . all we find is candy coated peanuts , popcorn and a prize . now , thats some cracker jack detective work . get it . cracker jack . yeah . yeah . but as for evidence , we , uh , we got nothing . with homer still the prime suspect , and the investigation stalled , deadline springfield was in dire straits . the show desperately needed a cliffhanger commercial break . what if the real criminal mastermind was billionaire montgomery burns . why would i steal . thats nothing to me . this is what rich is . smithers , bring me some more money . need more convincing . no . well be right back . narrator police returned to their first theory could homer simpson have done it . oh , definitely . hey , youre gonna distort my voice for this , right . cause i dont want no one knowing that this is moe szyslak here . oh , and cut the name , too , yeah . narrator as moe szyslak said , homer was definitely a suspect . it was pretty clear , chief liked homer simpson for this case . well , geez , lou , i wouldnt say that i liked him . i just , uh why , did he say something about me . i mean you thought he was a person of interest . shut up . i can find someone interesting without being interest ed in them . shut up . yeah , but then new evidence came in that apparently cleared homer . phone records showed a six hour call from homers phone to a third party on the night of the crime . the dna revealed that it was a butt dial . yeah , and not just to someone on his speed dial list . uh . his dexterous cheeks dialed all ten digits . disco stu disco stu is unavailable for you . at the beep , you know what to do . when police played back homers message , it revealed a horrifying truth . homer didnt scrub the spaghetti sauce off that kitchen with cleanser . the sick bastard licked those walls clean . he had a little help . my first thought was to delete the message , sure , but then i started grooving to that slurping safari . i hadnt heard any other music than disco in so long . sometimes , a persona can just it becomes a trap , you know . i knew it couldnt be homer . every simpson is innocent . narrator until proven guilty . no . just innocent . what are you doing . stop panning across the family . they didnt do it . finally . ive been expecting you . like any normal healthy boy , bart has been the focus of numerous police investigations . but a mother knows when her son is innocent . and when shes kidding herself , and when shes turning a blind eye . this time hes innocent . just ask his friends . state your name for the record . bart simpson took the money . i admit i knew about the money under the sink , but whatever i borrowed , i always put back . also , . what would a ten year old boy do with that much money . slime . bart was buying slime . ive never seen such a cooperative witness . i brought extra batteries for your tape recorder , too . narrator slime . the gooey , harmless plaything wildly popular with kids today . id seen all the fads yo yos , pogs , pokmon , crunking , the short stories of john cheever . but this beat them all . on a clear day rise and look around you and you will see who you are my plan was , if i owned all the slime , id set the price , except thats when the bottom fell out . lucky for me , there was one gullible schlub who didnt realize the craze was over . i sold my entire stash to him . i have not agreed to be in your documentary . please go . bart so i put the money back i had borrowed from under the sink , and i filmed it because i knew no one would believe me . narrator so thats everyone in the simpson family , except for lisa , of course . it couldnt be her , right . nah . well , lets look at the oh , for gods sake . i asked lisa where she was when the money was stolen and she said , chillin . you know , maxin and relaxin . now these are the words of a very cool person , but lisa simpson is not even a little cool . so huh . marge oh , come on . no one , i repeat no one , would believe lisa could do it . but shes also a girl who wants a new saxophone . im just saying . ive been lisas supplier for years . reeds , wipes , valve grease . would she commit a crime over a new sax . did dave brubeck compose in time . he did . well count it out together . go ahead , give it a spin . oh , its the best bari sax on the market , a smoothphone jazzhonker in black nickel . but i wouldnt steal for it . narrator when we come back , lisa did it . no , i didnt . lisa , its your bedtime . i got to go . my moms reading me harry potter book four . narrator oh , yeah , the one where cedric diggory dies . you suck . narrator you did it . no , you did it , jerk . okay , . times up . the reeds mine . narrator you cant spell greed without reed . check it out . why did we agree to do this documentary . because all our biggest stars today come from true crime documentaries the jinx , making a murderer , and matt lauer on the today show . narrator it turns out lisa did not buy the new saxophone . someone else did . ive always wanted to play bari sax , but my father insisted on tenor . in you go . what do you think of this . youre still a disappointment . narrator but if lisa was innocent , why was she so reluctant to explain her whereabouts at the time of the crime . shut up about my lisa . i can tell you where she was . she was uh , bup , . mom . mom . no . err . apparently , some of the girls at school were lets just say i stole the money , okay . end of documentary . see you at the independent spirit awards . i took her to her hopscotch tutor . lisa i was hanging on by a thread , and now the whole world will joke about how i am the only girl who ever needed a hopscotch tutor . lisa , just repeat after me . one foot , two foot , one foot , one foot , two foot , one foot , two foot , one foot so stupid . who invented this game . the scotch invented hopscotch and scotch tape . what about scotch whiskey . never heard of it . see , i told you , all innocent . so maybe now you vultures can leave us be . narrator weve taken up enough of your time . lets go , guys . what are you doing . my familys in the clear . i want you to apologize to my wife . narrator apologize . us . oh , you will , and you know why . i am the last person that watches network television , including the commercials . i apologize . marge now promise that this scene will not be removed in editing . i cant promise that , only the editor can . i got him . im gonna report you to the american cinema editors . its just an honorary society . you take that back . whew . what a relief . so who did do it . it was obviously bart . its always bart . hey , nothing is my fault cause dad raised me so rotten . well , nothing is my fault cause my dad raised me so rotten . dont blame me . it was a race out the door and your mother won . oh , yeah . it was bart . to show how irresponsible you are . shut up , all you innocent people . i wish i was never responsible for you . stop it , stop it . youre tearing this family apart . and stop calling the sofa a love seat . i barely like it . narrator the great simpson robbery remains unsolved . justice may never be served , but at the end of the day , what matters is that we enjoyed watching bad things happen to human beings who arent us . ah . help , mother . wiggum you try not to dwell on your innumerable failures . instead , you stare out to sea and try to look like youre thinking deep thoughts . just like this . yeah . you got what you need . cause i got an itch , i got to scratch it . now lets celebrate . we got through a documentary looking better than before it started . nobodys done that since andr the giant . homer simpson , youll leave a ring . ta da . a snap on coaster . nifty , huh . what the . whered you get this thing . i invented it . how many of these things did you have made . a thousand . i wanted to start a business . a thousand , huh . that mustve been expensive . thats what i thought , but it was only cents apiece . so bucks total . when did you get so good at your timeses . it was you , but the whole time you denied it . it was always you . i can explain . no . no explanation . kids , get in here . for once in this marriage , you did the wrong thing . i am going to savor this . i am gonna wait until i do something wrong , and then okay , were even . well , let me just explain why . every day , you go out to your friends , to moes . life to you is an adventure . and i had an idea , an idea for something that might make me somebody . but i admit it , i was gambling , on myself . i understand , honey . i completely understand . whats going on . well , lisa , im afraid i have to say lisa , i just want you to know your mothers about to say that the money was eaten by rats . but how did rats get inside the can . uh grampa left it open . oh , why do they blame everything around here on me . oh , good , the cats done . marge , id like to take a walk with the greatest woman ever . oh . from that moment on , homer and i had never been closer . homer we shared a dark secret . it was so sexy . marge , i have a secret , too . im losing my hair . the great simpson robbery remains unsol w wait , what do you mean unsolved . what the hell is this . my public expects me to solve the mystery , bob . its not like we can just change the format of the show . you just read the copy . our viewers want one thing , its simple solve the freakin crime , be told who did it . and i am the soothing voice , the reassuring voice that ah . did you hear that . oh , my god , i snapped my right vocal cord thats the dulcet one . quick . prep him for cord transplant . we dont have a human donor . all we have is the vocal cord of a sheep . and im ba a ack . he has an unbelievable work ethic for a voice over actor . springfield . springfield . oh . both will you take us to mount splashmore . will you take us to mount splashmore . will you take us to mount splashmore . will you take us to mount splashmore . youre here , youre just in a long line . thank you . we appreciate it . points . follow me . where . points . points , excuse me , points . coming through , points . my visor . no , dad . no . weve been in line for an hour . hmm , you have a point . points . will you please explain where youre taking us , and dont just say points . okay . over a lifetime of credit card debt , and paying for credit card debt with worse credit card debt , this family has two million hotel rewards loyalty points , which we can only use at the nearest second best western motel . oh , dad , the points expire at midnight . no worries . if i average miles an hour for straight hours , well make it . i love you , homer . step on it , dad . and ill field this call from grampa . connection failed . grampa but my liver . so where exactly are we going . niagara falls . eh . meh . paid for by points . points . points . points . i spy a closed down toys r us . i spy a bankrupt sears and roebuck . doh . i dont know about this game . i find it a little circuit city overrun by wild dogs . bart and homer booyah . how can you booyah this countrys decline . cheer up , honey . were headed to the one place that can never decline , because it was never that great upstate new york . start watching fox news stop watching your weight there is no fancy part of it upstate new york theyre fond of their booze hot wing sauce is great im gonna clog my heart in it upstate new york i want to sleep in , a city that never wakes and find im fitting right in one of the gang par for the course the kodak plant closed but im longing to stay and go on disability in upstate new york cant make it anywhere but i can make it there i love you so upstate new york . benedict arnold fought here , baby . you want a quarter for the binoculars . i guess . those tourist binoculars are never that strong . lisa now , thats worth a quarter . bart so magnificent . hey , lis , want to bounce . not till ive soaked in the full majesty of the falls . and done . take that , blue boy . eat rubber , red head . i cant believe the kids are already bored with the view . mmm . while the kids are bouncing around , why dont we do a little bouncing , too . thats even more romantic than what you said at fort dix . whoa . lets see , the angle of rebound equals the angle of incidence . oh , i forgot to account for surface irregularities . okay , time to take a sick day . oh , god , oh , god , oh , god , oh god . oh , a rainbow . oh , god , oh , god , oh , god . where am i . oh handsome , horsey . am i in heaven . even better , eh . youre in beautiful canada is what id say if canadians werent too modest to brag . but we are . oh i have a young girl who may i repeat , may need medical attention , eh . i repeat eh . ms . simpson , youre a very lucky lady . oh , sweetie , thank god , thank god . your daughters fine , but i recommend a five day stay . of course , of course . well take out a third mortgage . sir , youre in canada now , where your health care is free . free health care . why cant america do that . shes delirious , doc . america cant pay for health care and give corporations the tax breaks they so desperately need . im not delirious . in fact , ive never felt more protected . not like back home . oh , hang on . did you just say you dont feel safe in your home country . why should she feel safe . in america , the great el barto roams the streets . so , let me get this straight youre afraid of america . is that right , young lady . well , theres voter suppression shh . and utter disregard for the environment shh . a president whos such a son of a shh . oh , save that language for the lower . no , im telling you . our president really is a god shush . we know . lisa , as youre clearly a victim of political persecution who fears for her life , i must keep you in canada where youll be safe and assigned your own hockey team . please not ottawa , please not ottawa . yeah , im , so sorry . you cant keep my daughter . shes the heart and soul of this family . hey . what am i . youre the spleen . we dont know what it does and we dont care . my hands are tied , maam . shes in the asylum pipeline now . you cant separate us from our child . thats americas thing . well , then you leave us no choice . we have to deport you , canadian style . great . come on . bring it in , bring it in . lisa , are they taking care of you . are you eating okay . look , im fine , eh . were losing her . mom , im okay . they put me in a nice foster home with gord and francette here . enough with the accent . okay . lisa , where should we go for dinner tonight . harveys or swiss chalet . how about mr . submarine . or earls . dont forget humptys . mmm , restaurant chains i never heard of . homer , you take bart back to springfield . i am going for my daughter . local smarty pants lisa simpson has been abducted by americas ned flanders to the north , canada . here in springfield , reactions to lisas loss have been loud and uninformed . lisa was the moral center of this town . now its barney , who knows nothing . except it is the purpose of government to see that not only the legitimate interests of the few are protected , but that the rights of the many are conserved . shut your gibber hole . ow . ugh . she was the only one in this band worth a tinkers damn . oh , come on . you know you all stink . weve been working on the same song for years . can you fall in love with a country . the science textbooks acknowledge climate change . class , lets give an enthusiastic but quiet hello to lisa simpson . students hello . as an american , id like to apologize for something our president said about your wonderfully progressive prime minister . is there any way i can send a note . or maybe i could right this way . oh . hmm . mr . trudeau . yes , lisa . oh . i am really , sorry about what our president called you . i dont think about it , ive moved on . weak . he called me weak . absolutely . let me ask you . does this look weak . seriously . wow , that is impressive . uh , watch your tie . so , listen , if i could just ask you one question about the snc lavalin scandal . mrs . scarborough now , lisa , well be doing a class play based on a great canadian novel . the apprenticeship of duddy kravitz by mordecai richler . maybe next year , oliver . its never duddy . no , were doing a child friendly version of the handmaids tale . oh , id like to try out for offred . oh , so youre asking directly for something you want . well , thats not very canadian , but i like it . ive never been happier . polite applause , children . yay . no . hi , mrs . simpson . i have to get my daughter back . can i hide in the trunk . okay , but dont tell anyone were going up for beer . marge and drivers we all know . doh . whats this blue stuff , eh . oh , um , its called a car tail . stupid new american fad . oh , well get it in six months . move along . squeaky voiced teen good bye . where is she . mom . oh , sweetie . mmm , this is the best hug weve ever had . yes , its wonderful . please dont make me leave . your home is with us , not them . you must have known i wasnt happy in springfield . all i did was play the blues . are you sure you didnt play the blues because slow tempos are easier . maybe a little . but this country is better . their fox news is just news about foxes . listen , you little traitor . im your mother . and you live where i live . youre coming home with me . im really gonna miss this place . if it makes you feel any better , canada exploits its environment , too . wha . this country does it all . tar sands , strip mining, , mountie mocking, , geese goosing, , french fry gravying . okay , but im sure you treat all peoples equally . except the qubcois . and the newfies . kids stupid newfies . im a newfie . whee . i guess that does make me feel a little better . thank you . where the wind blows cold and theres ice and snow some days go on forever but im warm and fed in a newfoundlanders bed ill be an islander forever ill be an islander forever . marge sir , wed appreciate it if you gave us safe passage back to america . sorry , but as it now says on the statue of liberty , no re entry without hand stamp . where do you get the hand stamp . there isnt one . our top story tonight estranged brew . marge simpson and her daughter have now been banned from the united states , just like asbestos . and this just in asbestos is back into americas hospitals and schools . let me just say this asbestos will be reinstalled with the greatest of care . oh , homie , i dont know how were gonna get back . hmm how soon can you grow a mustache . that wont work . your call . hmm , at least it looks like youre getting along okay without us . you know , since lisa and i are stuck here , maybe you should move up here with us . great idea , great idea . what the heck . bring bart . no way . i cant move to canada . i revere this country . really . the last vote you cast was for quisp . and i won . maybe we could find a way to sneak out . i snuck in . you do what you want im not leaving . okay . you win , lisa . looks like were gonna be here together . but theres one thing i need you to do . take one last look at the country you left behind and focus on anything good about it . youre right . americas like a great boyfriend that maybe got a little fat and lost a little hair . what does that have to do with anything . just go . good bye, , usa . i feel like we did the best we could . and we can still be friends . okay , now im gonna focus on the good things that youve got . abe lincoln dumbo aretha franklin , eleanor roosevelt , seabiscuit , the computer that won on jeopardy . watson what is we miss you , lisa . judy blume . oh , i own all your books . i know , i read my royalty reports . having awkward new feelings for your country its normal , lisa . and youre one of my favorite readers . welcome home , lisa . well , i havent decided yet . hello , lisa . louis armstrong . yeah . and im mighty tired of having to keep appearing in your fantasies . get your ass back over here . yes , sir , satchmo . america aint perfect , but its my job to make it better . see you soon . what are you going over there for . its legal now . watson what is pass the dutch . psst , mom . psst . i want to go home . oh , finally . were out of this hellhole . who made my bed . least i could do . we will get you across the river . nous allons vous faire traverser la rivire . god , it wastes so must time saying everything twice . i feel so relieved to have finally made up my mind . oh . we must ditch our excess cargo . you two . youre abandoning us in the middle of a frozen river . wow , canadians really can be jerks . yes , for every martin short , there is no shortage of shatners . hope you wash up on a shore you like . homie . dad . guess whos here to save the day . why did you get a truck so big . its the smallest one detroit makes . how will we get in . i know one place where theres always plenty of room . i missed you , krusty burger where theres only one thing i can eat . i missed you , pony i had for a week . i missed you , snarky comic book seller . thanks for nothing . i missed you , nuclear ash that looks like snow . i missed you , mixed martial arts megachurch . i missed you , ralph . you were gone . now can we do duddy kravitz . no , were gonna watch an episode of the beachcombers . oh for my show and tell , i brought something from my trip to canada . what did you do this week , sir . well , a japanese tourist took pictures of me , i fed my horse an apple , and i found a very interesting man hiding in medicine hat . papa . hey , nelson , good news . youve got a brother in fort mcmurray . whats his name . how would i know . springfield . homer my three kids . willie everyone , out of my kitchen . brandine , do i come off as a yokel or a hayseed . well , you are versatile , darlin . you can play anyone in the trailer trash spectrum . a yeah, , im a regular benedict cabbage patch . ralph meow . community thespians , today we return to turn of oklahoma . farm boys are farming . cowboys are cowing . and , carl , do you think your character ike skidmore is bringing his cell phone to the box social in . i see him as a forward thinking guy , a tech first adopter . you know how i see him . not played by you . lenny , get yourself out of that horses patoot . youre ike skidmore . yee haw . a speaking part . this is gonna be tan fastic . geez , dont make it into a song and dance . ive got spurs that jingle , jangle , jing my spurs stuck in my eye . carl , youre back in . well , only with lennys blessing . you dont have it . im doing it anyway . okay , marge , this is your big song number . youre ado annie , the girl who caint say no . now , do you have any qualms about playing this part . no . wrong , . you caint say no . now , wheres my handsome curly . right here . now , this i can work with . homer okay , maggie , what shall we do while mommy rehearses . the dog track is closed . you can come visit me . i didnt hear that . hmm , what shall we do . why is this place so popular . do they serve booze . is it a baby fight club . is there a big screen tv . do they serve booze . are there free doughnuts . meet batman . do they serve booze . were going to find out . why in the hell is daddy and me class packed . youll understand everything when chloe comes out . quiet , shes coming . i borrowed my granddaughter just for this . i said i was taking her to feed the ducks . like i have bread money . hi , dads . whos ready to do the wiggle worm dance . i vant to viggle like the vorm , ja . a wiggle worm giggles and a wiggle worm waggles lets all wiggle like the wiggle worm does . oh , i get it , shes sexy . maggie . how long have you been here . why does this line say curt when im talking to curly . no , you see , curt is in parentheses . it tells you how to say the line . obviously lying yeah , no , i knew that . impressed noise . you really know your stuff . okay , actors , in the words of william shakespeare , find your x and shut up . geez , all right , easy . all i ask is that you give me the performance i have pictured in my head but have not communicated to you . our curtain opens on sun drenched fields of undulating golden corn . o stop , . this set is terrible . that corn isnt as high as an elephants eye . oh , you wanted the corn to be high . i have never seen such incompetence and idiocy in a theater . you have made me hate you all . excuse my salty language in front of aunt eller , but why dont you just take a hike . oh . get lost . losing temper , we dont want you here . turns to cast , i saved the play . marge , surely you want me to stay . actually , no . for the last time , thats the one word you caint say . this is mine . i brought it from home . now what do we do . i learned a to speak like a the oklahoma for this . con a sarn it . everyone , stop , just stop . chief , no more gunplay . but i wanna . just listen to me . what if i directed the play . hey , thats a good idea . i mean , she directs homer and the kids out of the house every morning . and i direct traffic . thats a stupid analogy . i think marge makes us all feel good about ourselves . mmm . yelling in unison . all marge . marge . marge . yay . wait a minute , if this is a real gun , wheres the prop . poor lou . all right , you asked for it . uh , wh wh wants oklahoma . tickets . front row . i can get you three together . this is a really complicated show . so much gingham . we need a show that we can actually pull off in springfield . small cast , simple sets , and some hip hop, , but not real hip hop . great , but i got to be someplace , so , real quick , the best kind of original show is one that rips off a big hit . whats the biggest hit . hellzapoppin . no , hamilton by lin manuel miranda . oh , the guy from in the heights . now , how did i know that . im back . all right , whos our alexander hamilton . that would be me . thanks to this furnace filter , you wont be saying burr anymore . no , our most famous historical figure jebediah springfield . ill write a musical biography , warts and all . i cant see how that could fail . now im in a hurry maggie and i have a daddy and me class . arent you forgetting something . keys , wallet , i dont think so . oh , sure . im happy to take maggie . you sure like that class . oh , uh , some dads just love to be with their little girls . can i go . sorry , no . humpty dumpty sat on a wall . humpty dumpty had a great fall . oh poor little eggy , leaking your goo . the red queens not looking , ill kiss your boo boo . humpty j . dumpty , are you eating yourself . maybe . excuse me , excuse me , pal . take care of your kid . i im so sorry . i was just yeah , i know what you were just . lisa lets see killed a bear , founded a town , died of a beaver bite . lis , youre gonna love it . i came up with the perfect opening . okay lisa is so stupid , so very , stupid so dumb and stupid and smelly , too she has a real bad temper , a bad , temper and shes smelly , too . youre just motivating me . i need to finish this . ah , my muse . marge okay , my first day as director . so hard to dress for respect . no . no . no . got it . hey a, , buddy , whatll it be . moe , its me . midge . i thought it was hillary clinton . give me a vodka , straight up . are you sure youre not hillary . our new production will be bloody jebediah , a hip hop musical about our citys founder . is it respectful . not entirely . what .  . why dont we start by going around the circle and saying what parts were playing . im marge , the director . luann , jebediahs wife . carl , quarrelsome settler . i got a bone to pick with this part . beautiful , use it . next . lenny , mayor of shelbyville and an ostrich . frink , tech crew . always crew . hollywood only lets in one bill nye in a generation . with the nerdy and the hoyvik and the reference only i understand . and , of course , our incredible star , sideshow mel . finally not a sidekick . this is my time to shine . your first line is on page . what .  . yo , jebediah survived the pox never used clocks didnt wear socks , thats what we learned from examining his docs , and now the mic drops . boom , et cetera . krusty , whats wrong . its happened the worst possible thing that can happen to a performer . what do you mean . im in an article entitled , where are they now . right above judd nelson and new coke . ill tell you where judd nelson is . hes on my show tonight . ah . fantastic . whats that thing you were doing . oh , uh , local theater . you wouldnt be interested . hey , im a performer , an artist , which means im always interested in money . live theater is the only thing getting ratings these days . who owns the rights . a mrs . marge simpson . oh , really . lets see what kind of bargain mrs . marge simpson drives . so youll get of the profits while i get foreign distribution rights in venezuela for a window of three weeks . so my little shows gonna be on tv live . yep . this is the first time a woman has signed something with me where i didnt lose custody of something . so where will we stage it . outside , where the lighting is free . oh , are you sure thats not risky . well , some would say im taking a risk with an original play and a first time director , but show business is based on risks . risks and comic books . excuse me . so , marge , are you ready to beg me to come back . actually , llewellyn , were doing fine on our own . no need to grovel . you dont actually have to say anything . okay , fine , ill come back . no ones asking you to come back . you know what . just for that , i wont come back . fine . please , im begging you , take me back . all right , but beware , hell hath no fury like a director scorned . now , if youll excuse me , i have to sneak my headshot onto the wall . and poof . youre flushed , plummer . i hired you to bus tables . hmm . im researching a role . now , mom , before you go into that production meeting , i want to pass along a quote from f . scott fitzgerald . great art is the contempt of a great woman for small art . he actually said man , but hed have wanted me to change it . didnt he also say , show me a hero and ill write you a tragedy . yes , but he also said , never confuse a single defeat with a final defeat . but didnt he also say , there are no second acts in american lives . just get in the meeting . the bagels are getting hard . theres my jebediah . marge , im leaving the show to fulfill a lifelong dream playing prospero in the tempest . you cant quit now . were live in three days . we have no understudy . and you were gonna bring the edibles for the wrap party . not my problem . theres nothing i enjoy more than watching a director trying to talk an actor out of leaving for a better part . dramatic twist . sing a song of sixpence , a pocketful of rye four and blackbirds baked in a pie . stay in there , you stupid blackbirds . darling , youre supposed to kill the blackbirds before you put them in the pie . homie , . homie . homie . blackbirds . blackbirds . homie , wake up . what are you dreaming about . uh , daddy and me class . you are a great father . oh , i wish i felt like a great director . fine , if you want me to quit the class , ill do it . who said anything about quitting . ive had enough people quit on me today . marge , anyone who can raise two girls and two boys the way youre doing can do anything . youre gonna make it . ive got a special announcement today . youre gonna wear the perfume i bought you . even better . barrys divorce came through , so im able to leave this class and marry him . come on up , barry . later , losers . barrys not sitting cross legged anymore . uh , why him . maybe i have the cutest baby . or maybe the first words i got her to say were i love you , chloe . i love you , chloe . we sang wheels on the bus together . well , thats it . time to wheres the baby i brought . ah , geez . i wont be dating her grandma anymore . so i guess were not doing the class . wait a minute , the part you liked was spending time with me . aw . well , ill always dance with you , sweetie . hmm . okay , no pressure , but i need to find a new lead in the next minutes . preferably a name . is bumblebee man available . no , hes playing don quixote in man of la mancha . damn it . why is this towns theater scene so vibrant . im here to audition for the part of macbeth . its not macbeth . is it macduff . not macduff . well , theres no other parts worth playing . thats it . were doomed . well just have a bake sale . will you serve haggis . no . im out . a pioneer with no fear shooting deer on the frontier spotlight that singer . and the crowds all cheer jebediah springfield found the town right here . yes , glavin , its me , with the gomer pyle voice and the unexpectedly good singing . youve got the part . thank you . save your voice . all right , then . marge , as your producer , im gonna inform you of a problem , then blame you if you cant solve it . now what . theres one thing a first time director cannot control . bruce willis . no , the weather . marge , its going to rain during the show . how hard . well , lets just say i hope you liked the movie waterworld . ambitious , eh , but unsatisfying . you might want to consider canceling . i dont know much about showbiz , but i know one thing the show must go on . huh . i never heard that before . really . well , tell me to break a leg . why would i do that . its violent and cruel . well theres no business like show business . nah , now thats not true . most show business companies are part of much larger conglomerates . just get the hell out . that ive heard before . hmm . going live . break a leg , everyone . man what . man why would you wish that . lenny youre mean . let me tell you about a mystery of our citys history an out of was our founder despite his latent bigotry how did this pioneer domineer persevere , then die right here . before the tire fire , a man named jebediah made springfield the new frontier cue camera three . cue bart . whoa . thats right , my name is jebediah springfield there is none to whom i yield no king to whom ive kneeled tonight my secrets are revealed jebediah springfield now , this bear and i are one and the same he gave his life so that i could have fame jebediah springfield . marge cut to commercial . thats a cut to commercial , everyone . john lithgow . i like to work . oh , uh , line , please . grrr . no , you fool , a rescue line . mom , what do we do . improvise . lisa , i need a five minute rap about the cruelty of the sea and the brave souls who rise above it . no problem . can i make sly analogies to todays politics . no . youll date it . the bullets flew like rain as buffalo were slain who wants to change the channel . eh , either theyre all dead or its a hit . fifty fifty . and now i have a raging fever bitten by a rabid beaver i didnt fight for equal rights i wish id done more for non whites but no more time for jebediah all thats left to do is die a . barney in unison audience marge . marge . marge . this is the happiest moment careers are getting shorter than ever these days . marge , we got the highest rating in modern tv history . a .  . congratulations . i did it . i directed a popular off broadway musical . and i wrote a popular off broadway musical . and i caught an octopus on main street . what a day . and the winner for outstanding lead performance in a play or musical . oh , mein gott . its sideshow mel for the tempest . barbara , you can put the kids to bed now . is what id like to say , but im childless . one pie to the groin wont do damage , they said . they were wrong . nominations , zero awards . welcome to club snub , marge . feel the bile rising , the bitterness that will never presenter and a special award for best newcomer , marge simpson . damn it . springfield . each year , one graduate receives the prestigious golden baton award for the most impressive future conductor . but this year , we have two worthy recipients . two . thats right . gustavo dudamel and local wunderkind , mr . dewey largo . im sure you will each achieve tremendous renown . no , wait . i believe that one of you will . and the other will fail and have a horrible life as a public school music teacher . oh dudamel . dudamel . yo yo ma . oh , dewey , my pouty poppet . youre having that dream again . oh , its so cruel that my only triumph has become my recurring nightmare . oh , darling , youre cursed with the memory of an elephant . and the wrinkles to match . cant you just wake me with a slice of melon and a drop of affection . whatever you say , lord grumpy of the morning breath . now , petal , dont forget to call the dog walker . tell him to come early . and easy on the leash . oh , its on my list . also , dont forget to call someone about the water bill . i suspect a sputtering spigot . you know , you are home all day . hence my annoyance . now , if youll excuse me , pinterest awaits . oh , shut up , sir winston , or therell be no cigar for you . man dear mr . largo , i am the musical director of the capital city philharmonic . ive heard youve got talent . big talent , major chops , the goods . so ill be attending your concert tomorrow night . intriguingly yours , victor kleskow . p . s . i will be bringing an outside beverage . large , icy , nonalcoholic . okay , gang . our recitals tomorrow , and were gonna be ready . and if you play the way i know youre capable of , youll never see me again . you have hidden talent bubbling inside you , and this baton will pop it right out . sherri , more fortissimo . terri , more pianissimo . milhouse , dont forget to tune your what the heck are you playing . no one really knows . well , then , wear it on your head . here we go . im gonna do something ive never done as a teacher before actually try . one , two , three , four . are you sure were at the right school . i mean , they sound good . oh , my gosh , its bearable . sir . did it move you . skinner , didnt i ask for a buffer chair between you and me at all of these events . uh uh . buffer . brilliant . how did you manage it . it was good , wasnt it . lets just say i separated the wheat from the chaff . im in the f hole . oh , salieri , patron saint of losers , runners up and also rans, , please let this garfunkel become a simon , this pepsi become a coke , and this ugly duckling conduct swan lake . hi . victor kleskow . were conductors , so dont shake hands just a friendly wave on the beat of four , three , two and done . im honored , maestro . lets cut to the chase . that was good middle school good . tonight , i witnessed a once in talent that i must add to my organization . dewey uh huh . have to keep talking , or can i meet lisa simpson . but but shes a child . yes , im scouting talent for our youth philharmonic . surely , you didnt think i wanted you . no , of course not . lisas right over there . red dress , intelligent expression . cant miss her . mr . largo , he picked me . im sorry . im really glad you get to represent us . its like a little piece of me is taking a baby practice step . that is so generous . yes , there is an upside to having a broken spirit . mr . kleskow said my articulation was the best hes ever heard . he said i sounded like a young cannonball adderley . oh , is that the raccoon on saturday morning cartoons . im talking about the famous jazz musician . i dont know who youre talking about . the guy im thinking of would make himself into a ball and knock over all the crows . homie , this class is miles each way . we can do it . ill practice in the car . miles in the car with lisa practicing . ive got a symphony for you . sucks to be you sucks to be you , sucks to be you sucks to be you , sucks to be you . we cant afford a babysitter every day . bart will have to come along . and maggie , too . well , i got to ask . should we really sacrifice everything for a gifted child . well always regret it if we dont . okay . i wanted you to argue with me . youth orchestra costs a month . wheres that money gonna come from . well , i have an idea , but you might not like it . remember the show breaking bad . about a dad who was desperate for money . homer , no . marge , yes , i can do it . i can sell my box set . we havent even listened to the commentaries . okay , not that . i could always switch to a double shift and work nights at the plant . isnt that dangerous to your health . you think im in danger . i am the danger . im the one who knocks . well , thats so protective . its also a quote from breaking bad . you are really far behind . man and jesus said unto the samaritan woman good , . when the spanish station overpowers the christian one , were getting close to the city . bart why do i have to be here . i specifically didnt get good at anything to avoid drives like this . if you were me , would you trust you home alone . hmm . whos the new girl . what does she play . too small for a tuba . too big for a flute . well , maybe its her lunch . hi . im lisa simpson . shh . he might hear you . are you okay . dont tell him im sick . the sick are left to die . wow , even the violas are tense . everyone , say hello to lisa simpson . shes an actual musician , so she will be a strange and wonderful creature to the rest of you . well start with one of the classics . theme from knight rider , second movement , bar . one , two , three , four . i may have misspoken . miss simpson , was that an f sharp or a g flat that you played . well , thats a trick question , because theyre the same . oh , we have a music scholar in our midst . youre right , they are the same . and if only you had played either one of them . sorry . no , . its my fault . ive been too soft on you , lisa . ive been letting you coast for almost two minutes . that ends now . lisa alone , theme from moonlighting , second movement , andante . ow . ow . ow . ow . ow . bart . bart . just killing time . ow . ow . ow . ow . ow . lisa . lisa , sweetie , are you okay . he yelled at me , humiliated me in front of everyone . and then i never played better . aw , so were doing this every day . i guess so . oh , man . ive already got seat cushion butt . look . i sat on a nickel . you can see the date . thats a buffalo nickel . its really valuable . threw it in the gutter . coins are boring . hey , welcome to the night shift . what are you in for . because i hit the jackpot . my kids got a big future with the jazz . oh , i hear you , youll do anything for your kids . then they turn on you . well , i am through . happily estranged . is that my kids . oh , boy . steam valve . its never them . its pretty dark in here . can we turn on some more lights . uh , no . the company cant afford the power . arent we a power company . never get high on your own supply . uh , mom , i think maggie wants to go home . maggie , is that what you want . lets go home . lets go home . im sorry , is this annoying you . maam , day care is happy to watch your son . bart simpson , well behaved child . please dont google me . in you go . who are you losers , and why am i locked in here with you . were the siblings . our brothers and sisters are the talented ones . do you know what its like being second banana to a third chair . shut up , miles . hey , i dont belong here . youre one of us . all one of us . one of us . afterthought . also ran . second string . girl unwanted child . youre pretty well dressed for a kid . im a parent . a prize winning novelist with no musical talent . all right , first order of business , do we have any chair challenges . excuse me , whats a chair chall great , our first volunteer , out for blood . lisa versus brian , winner gets first chair . lisa , how could you . no , i didnt mean to . go , or ill call you both ubers back to loser town . damn it , surge pricing . ill call it in later . go . ive heard enough . brian , that was perfect for second chair . lisa , you have his spot . i had a good run . no , you didnt . oh , gosh , im sorry . never apologize for talent . did mozart apologize . i dont know . i wasnt there . and even if i was , id have been pushing a plow . you think everyone gets to hang out with mozart . lisa whoo hoo . first chair . well , im off to the night shift . ill miss you most of all , prime time tv . dad , do my feelings matter . of course they do . we just dont have as much time for them as usual . go ahead , tell me what youre thinking . well , i i hear you , i understand you , and i love you . but i just put the rest on my fathers day card . mwah . ill see you at breakfast . theres nothing worse than being the parent of a kid with promise . oh , gosh . ive been so selfish . thats right . the only one who should monopolize this familys time and attention is me , because i could go at any moment . unless i keep talking . talking , . thats what keeps the grim reaper at bay . i saw quite a bit of the grim reaper back in the war . back then , we called him the ticket out of germany . but the seating was cramped and the food was lousy . and that was the start of american airlines . man accidentes . no problema . telfono ocho ocho maggie , what are you doing . ill help her , mom . help . help . i was promised ice cream miles ago . were here . homie . everythings breakfast all the time . eggs . all im eating are eggs . i think its turning my skin yellow . homie , are we sacrificing our familys happiness for the sake of one member . when lisas making millions of dollars playing for the utah jazz , itll be worth it . the jazz is a basketball team . no , its oh , my god , what have we done . okay , listen up , you guys want to be in your siblings shadows your whole life . all yes . its cool in the shadow . well , im gonna tell you how to get attention . are you sure . that sounds risky . i dont know about that . heres what you do misbehave . call your dad by his first name . if its sticky , spill it . make a shirttail wiener . yes . ill do it . yeah . simpson , a word . about your time with this band , i am afraid its almost up . are you kicking me out . i wish . ending peoples musical careers is why i got into music . but no , your sin is having a birthday soon . you have to audition to move up to the next group . how old are they . nine to . and then whats the group after that . fame , fortune , an affair with hans zimmer . well , sir , im ready for all but the last one . you think youre ready . in nine to we play notes youve never heard of . m flat, , j sharp, , v , cursive g , frank , natural . and those are just the ones you can hear . i know youre playing mental games with me , and i take it as flattery . smart . always smart . well , this isnt a game . itll cost your parents more money , and its a half hour farther from everywhere . oh , well , i guess i better talk to my family , then , and tell them the , uh the good news . auditions are tuesday . i sense youre conflicted . i was conflicted once . band leader or prison guard . i chose the one where i could be more cruel . so tired and irritable . shut up . you shut up . the usual , sir . thank you , lloyd . and let me say , no one enables a descent into madness better than you . i understand the familys getting to be a bit of a problem . yeah , but what are you gonna do . i hear radiation poisoning is a painless way to go . maybe sprinkle a little plutonium in the salad . i dont eat salad . exactly . i see . no , i dont . kill your family . how do i do that . with the plutonium . well , where do i put it . in the salad . to what end . to kill your family . just what are you driving at . simpson , what the hell are you doing . get back to your post . geez , i nearly went insane just to put my kid in an after school music class . im beginning to think its not worth it . please , dont fire me . oh , dont worry . what happens on the night shift stays on the night shift . im not gonna hurt you . im just gonna bash your brains in . theres our head of human resources now . well , this is it . if she makes it , its five more years at least of driving . i gave maggie a sketch n etch to calm her down . homer oh , my god , she has talent , too . what are you looking at . uh , nothing . make something else . lisa im doing it . im gonna make it . oh , but if i keep being this good , itll mean more practice and more driving and more resentful looks from the baby . wonder what im gonna do . ugh , i hate defining moments . stop . thats it , you failed . have fun playing for nickels on the street at the corner of good but not great and disappointment boulevard . you dont exist for me anymore . youre pretty mean for a teacher . yeah . you should see me as a father . so , guess this is the last time were doing this drive . lisa , are you okay . sure . fine . never been better . hmm . you werent crazy enough to fail on purpose just to make life better for the rest of us . im fine . probably , if id gotten it , all that work would have killed my love for music . or i think you would have gotten better and loved it more . i know i loved that . and i love that i drove you to violence . dont make me come back there . you wouldnt fit , fatso . oh , wouldnt i . maggie , are we good . oh , wow . why does this car always smell of cheese puffs . is someone sad snacking when he drives alone . its not like i have anyone making me breakfast . but were almost home , so close your eyes . theres a big surprise . come on , close them . this is silly . close them . oh , petal . surprise . a man , for me . no . i changed the locks , and im kicking you out . but but who gets sir winston . his name is poochini . very well . poochini it is . thats all i ever wanted . i love you . springfield . springfield . itchy scratchy the simpsons se episode script bart vs . itchy scratchy i love a good panel . krusty clearly hates being there , but he still gets super mad when anyone but him talks . please welcome the legendary stars of the krusty the clown show . hey hey . and a non writing producer . oh , non writing . hey hey, , kids . all hey hey, , krusty . have we got a great panel planned for you today . what is it , howard , the usual crap . oh , yeah , thatll kill some time . kids , call the police . this isnt a sketch . ah . my legs . stick to the script . ladies and gentlemen , miami sound machine . come on , shake where do you come up with your ideas . im a genius . next . are there any plans both for another krusty movie . were waiting for a story that needs to be told . once we see that , well copy it and call it a parody . oy . does anyone have a question that hasnt been asked a thousand times . i have the worst fans in the world . now weve got a big surprise for the best fans in the world . were making some big changes to your favorite cartoon . man its different . its an all female reboot of itchy scratchy . both oh , my god . pretty enlightened , eh , kids . we here at the krusty show really care about gender diversity . ask anyone our lawyers , our attorneys , anyone . a girl itchy scratchy . no , this cant be . theyve ruined my childhood . your childhood is currently happening . thats how i know . it doesnt make any sense . in real life , itchy and scratchy are dudes . girl mice dont have the upper body strength to wield a chain saw . is truth dead . boys boo . ah , you boys are leaving me for video games anyway . zap , youll all die alone . girl power is where its at . that movie where superman was a chick made a megillah of shekels . am i right , ladies . see . girls like my pandering . remember this if theres ever a gender war . oh , this is the worst change krustys ever made to the show , even worse than sideshow leonard cohen . when girl itchy scratchy comes on , we should totally hate watch it . no , everybody come over to my house , and well turn off the tv the second that girl cartoon comes on . well hate not it . yeah . hate not . yeah , that wont not show em . i never really thought about itchy and scratchy as male or female , but it is cool that theyre girls now . i always thought they were a married couple , and thats why they fought so much . mom , theyre different species . i dont know what to be liberal about anymore . i am so pumped to hate not itchy scratchy . ive not popped the popcorn , the lights are not turned down . perfect . listen , son , im proud that youre starting to hate things , but take it slow . if you use up all your hate when youre young , one day youll be an old man who likes things that suck . announcer tonight , cabbage . it is a lovely shade of gray , and just look at the wrinklin . all im saying is , if they ever make a female mr . magoo , i will lose it , i will just lose it . krusty hey hey, , kids . its time to tickle your funny bones and your equal employment opportunity commission bones by presenting the all new, , itchy scratchy . now to sit in silence till its over . blindfolds on , gentlemen . this is lisa simpson , recording my reaction to this historic moment in cartoon womens history . singers they fight , they bite they bite and fight and bite , krusty now theyre girls singers the itchy scratchy krusty girls . may i . i got my ticket for the long way round two bottle o whiskey for the way and i sure would like some sweet company and im leaving tomorrow what do you say . when im gone , when im gone youre gonna miss me when im gone youre gonna miss me by my hair , youre gonna miss me ha ha . i knew you couldnt resist watching . and guess what , you laughed . it was funny . i i wasnt laughing . i i was crying a and burping . and open . we did it . we prejudged something without giving it a chance . i am so proud of us . like bart simpson would ever watch a girl itchy scratchy . never gonna happen . yeah . that little liar . if only people could know that bart laughed even harder than i did all right , you soda squirting hypocrite , i know exactly what to do with this video . toshua josh welcome to josh . the show for people who want to look at the internet but dont have a computer or a phone . you know what bugs me about old guys at the gym . they always forget to wipe down the machine . he means the blood . now , this boy says he hates all girl itchy scratchy , but then this happened bart , you got to see this . some old guy at a gym got hit by a boat . also , now everyone knows youre the worlds biggest hypocrite . you said you werent gonna watch it , and then you did and you loved it . then you got busted and i called you in here and laughed at you . and im still doing it . look at you . what a jerk . well , bart , how does it feel to be trolled , memed , giffed , and , dare i say , pwned . how do you know those words . i read about them in parade magazine . big deal , i was exposed as a liar on the internet . ive got so much cred built up , nothing can take me down . you betrayed us , bart . and worse , you betrayed your own wang . you know what . yes , i laughed at a cartoon . why . because it was funny . so what if itchy and scratchy are girls . i laughed , and you cant take back the laugh . girls arent funny . theyre hot or moms . or both . girls stole itchy and scratchy . what are they gonna take next , our body spray . our puka shell necklaces . yeah . lame . girls get everything bigger , softer baseballs , chick flicks , two piece bathing suits , and on house hunters international , they always choose the house that she wants . hes right . the wife gets the beach view , but its always a longer commute for the husband . you know , youre right . oh , yeah . you guys see whats happening . youre listening to milhouse . so . maybe we are . milhouse they are listening to me . the next thing i say must be perfectly chosen to show i am worthy of leadership . get him . sixth graders . tweens . what are you doing in the girls room , seat soaker . no , i didnt mean to come in here . i need sanctuary . hey , you guys have a candy machine . no fair . spin him till he barfs . ah . im full of hummus and milk . pink spray paint . give that back . thats for skinners office . you tell anyone about this , youre canceled . charlie rose canceled . no , you can trust me . im not just any fourth grader . whoa , this dudes el barto . huh , i always thought it was that fifth grader , eloise barto . yeah , sometimes i get her e mail . you know , if you fill up a leaf blower with paint , you can coat skinners whole office . duh . double duh . where are we gonna get a leaf blower . willies shack . whoa , homemade prank masks . the knit is on . thisll teach skinner to ban sandals . oh , he will not silence our toes . hurry , skinners almost back from his lunchtime dog walking job . i will not negotiate with terrorists . ill just give in . sandals unbanned . ladies , that was smooth , barbie smooth . so smooth . hey , why are you still here , truck nuts . whoa , is this your hideout . its the old home ec classroom , where they would brainwash girls into being good little housewives , but now its our war room . also , we cook here , we do a little bit of sewing . stop telling him things . cooties be damned , you girls are badass and your pranks are next level . take a seat and learn something . we dont do pranks , we drop awareness bombs . our protest crew is called bossy riot . were pushing back against the pushback , starting with this school . look at this his tory book . bart cool shades . that is textbook shredding . now do you see what were doing here . i think i do . youre sticking it to the man , but this time , the man is men . look , you got to let me join your gang . you know , if were really serious about gender equality , its only right that a boy be our servant . okay , no varies, , youre in , if you pass this test steal skinners cell phone . work or personal . chalmers skinner . agnes seymour . welcome to girlhood . gentlemen , our way of life is under attack . hear , . society is trying to erase boys . they give us drugs that make us do girly things , like pay attention . theyre putting drugs in our medication . we need to band together . like a sorority , but for dudes . i give you the boys rights association . boys bra . b r . right now , were just training bras . mm hmm . but soon , well be the strongest , most supportive bras anyone has ever seen . we are bras . we are bras . our son has one , two eight friends . theyre more than just friends , hes hes the leader . im feeling this wave of relief , not worrying about my sons social life . i can stop being a mother and start being a woman . say it . say it again . our son has friends . old folks say you poor little fool down the streets , im the girl next door im the fox youve been waiting for hello , daddy , hello , mom im your ch ch bomb hello , world , im your wild girl im your ch ch bomb stone age love and strange sounds , too this is why i sit . bad nights causing teenage blues get down , ladies , youve got nothing to lose hello , daddy , hello , mom im your ch ch bomb brockman springfield , a town living in fear , as masked pranksters calling themselves bossy riot , spread their terrifying message of female empowerment . the latest victim of this gal qaeda , our once proud symbol of the portly pastry purveying patriarchy . homer lard lady . but a donut is the ultimate symbol of masculinity . the only lead police have as to the identity of bossy riot is this security camera footage . homer moe and his bats . bossy riot is so cool . we need fearless female activists to fight back against misogyny and man spreading . well , whoever they are , they are the coolest badasses this town has ever seen , whoever they are . oh , bart winked at me . i must be in on a joke . hmm bart , are you in bossy riot . no way . ah , good . because if you were fighting for womens rights , it would destroy my entire vision of the universe . actually , i totally am . you cant be an activist for womens rights . you dont know anything about the feminist cause . sure i do . chicks get a raw deal . im a little fuzzy on the deets , but take my word for it . its all about the deets . youre not a girl . you just want to spray paint the world and watch it drip . youve never been called shrill just because you speak up . and and girls clothing has no pockets , while yours are lousy with pockets . this is good stuff , i got to write it down . this is someone elses war , and you , y youre just a mercenary . mercenaries are cool , like boba fett . oh , yeah , boba fett , great character . boba fetts badass . he wears a jetpack and a cape . pick a lane , weirdo . why does every discussion about feminism turn into an argument about star wars . if boba fetts such a great bounty hunter , why is his armor all banged up . its a look , like distressed denim . you shouldnt be part of a protest if you dont care about the cause . well , you care . why dont you come with . maybe i will . great . bring black gloves and no id . youve been tasered before , right . it only hurts until you pass out . im excited i want to , i do , but theres a part of me thats scared , and that part is my body and my head . its okay , i get it . theres nothing wrong with being all talk . us feminists need cheerleaders , too . so , whats up , my fellow ruthless bader ginsburgs . whats on the a gender for the evening . your friends in the so called boys rights association have been protesting the krusty show . i told you not to light the toys yet . i didnt , they just burst into flames . krusty caved . he said hed never show another all girl itchy scratchy ever again . so were gonna destroy the master tapes of every itchy scratchy . wait , what . no . i love those cartoons . i cant let you do it . oh , you cant let us . dont have a lady cow . all cows are ladies . that thing you said about me being all talk . well , i have prepared two comebacks , and i will now give you both . those girls are gonna destroy every itchy scratchy , forever . hey , boys and boys . well , congratulations , im never gonna air the girl itchy scratchy again . you hit me where it hurts the most right in the sponsors . buy em all . were too late . theyre going to destroy the tapes on live tv . lets get him out of those bras and go . uh , no , you can leave me like this . im good . we are bossy riot , and were gonna drop all the original itchy scratchys into a pool of nail polish remover . thats crazy . we have those backed up a thousand times . right , howard . what do you do .  . dont do it . those shows are funny . mice killing cats , guts everywhere . it doesnt matter if its boy guts or girl guts . guts are guts . see , the thing about comedy is bart , stop mansplaining . no , if i keep talking , theyll get it eventually . the fumes are burning my eyes . look , theyre crying , on live tv . glitterize their tears . mama . dont worry , sir , your brothers are united in blaming this on you . hey , . come back here . you there , sweet innocent girls , did you see three crazed man haters run through here . gee , officer , they went that way . thanks , princess . thank you . wait a second . do any of you babysit . great . be at my house saturday at . and if ralph asks you to give him a bath , do not give him a bath . so i guess im not in the group anymore . you were never in the group . we just kept you around for fingerprints and dna . but making those boys cry was hardcore . you , uh , ever think about wearing the yarn . me . join you . can i do it . can i push my beliefs further than theyve ever gone . well , let us know . mask me . so spill it , simpson . you were on the inside . whats the deal with girls . well , check this out they also burp . no way . from where . is that even allowed . lets see , what else . theyre always telling each other theyre pretty , their bathroom candy tastes really weird , but theres one thing that really crushed me . i almost dont want to say it out loud . they dont envy us . springfield . you sit on me . theres a remote in my crack . uh , problems i have . i could use a slip cover . um , uh , things your sister would say . no . uh you havent replaced me since . things a couch would say . yes . hopefully , we wont be out too late , shauna . whatever . and just for the night , could you lose the tongue ring . whatever . homer , is it too late to change babysitters . yes . so ill have to stay home . i dont think we have to homer . yes , marge .  . we both have to go to drug awareness night . i guess we have no choice . heres the number for the poison control center , the allergy hotline , and , if the kids misbehave , papa johns pizza . dont worry , mrs . simpson . well take great care of your kids . we . uh , me and god . okay , then . well see you soon . want to watch videos of pythons swallowing stuff . uh , cant we watch something with kittens . oh , theres kittens in there . this is pointless . we learned all the new dangerous drugs last year sprack , zup , borzo , and crystal bam . i hear theyre mixing bam with zup . interesting . bam and zup . this seminars already paying for itself . homer simpson , are you watching football through your pants pocket . but do you know how much love is lost between these teams . none . turn it off . this bag of concentrated death is what the kids today call blizzard . allow me to demonstrate . on skin ner . superintendent , i i must protest . im an educational professional who thats a good boy . take your medicine . oh , lets get out of here . i guess we can watch the powerpoint presentation in bed tonight . oh , that sounds magical . just dont be conspicuous . oh , its lenny . homer , i found my birth mom . her name is cheryl , and she wants nothing to do with a wedding expo . marge , there is no way id ever be interested in is there a girl in that cake . no , just cake . oh that is so sexy . after you , marge . oh , a wedding expo . its like going to a thousand weddings at once . sneaking in will be the most romantic thing weve ever done . more than our real wedding . a thousand times more . i was pregnant , and you had a fever of .  .  . aw , you remembered . its so beautiful . oh . even the prenups are gorgeous . your bride will look radiant next to these hideous bridesmaids dresses made in colors known to scare seagulls . oh , so beautiful . come back here , you . youve got more drugs to test . i both see and am god . who will protect me when you die . nothings gonna happen to does this house have a mixer . we could make face cookies . aw . youre gonna make such a good dad . i feel like a walk . you want to take a walk . i feel glued to my seat for reasons i dont understand . its all over , sweetheart . the curse is broken . grandma will take care of you from now o ah . come on . jimbo lets see if we can both fit in homers underwear . this is very sobering . why did we think this would be cool . what are you kids doing out so late . babysitter party at our house . why dont you come inside for a mug of cocoa . coco nut, , that is , to fill your belly with much needed potassium . grins , people . thanks . potassi yum . this was a great idea . its like all the fun of a wedding without the boredom of a wedding . and who are you two . um , why , were wedding planners . yes , and were wondering about your products . for our clients . well , the toast master is an ai powered microphone that guarantees your best mans toast will be heartwarming and tasteful , no matter how drunk or passive aggressive he is . oh . give it a try , homie . oh , i couldnt . pretend one of my sisters is getting married . that hairy legged ashtray . give me the mic . when i heard a guy was marrying selma , i thought , that poor male voice genius . must be fully sighted . and not marrying her to harvest her organs . thank god . the heffernans . oh , right . thats me . d . r . heffernan . thats doctor . right . dr . d . r . heffernan . the keynote speech is in two minutes . whats a keynote speech . imagine dr . heffernan asking me what a keynote speech is . this way . finally , things are looking up for the person im pretending to be . and the number one new wedding trend is true love . audience true love . true love . buy our book if we have one . im starting to think thats not dr . heffernan . what a perfect night . you wait here while i go pay the babysitter . im not paying you . get out of my house . later . and now , my lady , to the boudoir , which i believe is somewhere near the bedroom . oh . oh . have i picked you up yet . i cant te oh . youre so light . ow . perfect end to perfect night . voulez vous coucher avec what the .  . ow . i guess we should stop listening now . no ones making you stay . marge , im afraid your days of walking are over . oh , my god . for about hours . by then , this mild ankle sprain should be good as new . its my fault . homie wouldnt have dropped me if i hadnt put on a few pounds . nonsense . its not your fault youre married to a this . and it was such a good date night . well , now its a hernia morning . see , youve got a tear in your abdominal wall and a section of your intestine has pushed through . arent you going to chuckle . an inguinal hernia is no laughing matter . inguinal . will i need surgery . possibly . but dont be alarmed . its just some scalpel work around your scrotum . a little more . little more . little more no , those are the wipers . oh , you just called onstar . now , look , you two , youre not kids anymore . listen to your body . itll tell you what to do . woman onstar operator . what is your emergency . every comedian i thought is funny is dead . the itchy and scratchy show . hmm . possible side effects may include hallucinations mm , irritability , inability to fo cus . blah , . do not mix with alcohol . fine , ill drink it separately . boy , get me a beer . huh . what are you doing . helping you get better . i was watching animal planet , and they said , if it cant reach its own food , the hippo dies . why , you little . bart , honey , your father and i need you to be a little more grown up . can you do that . i bet you can . you got it , mom . honey , i signed us up for physical therapy this afternoon . they sound terrific . even booking the appointment , they told me , great job . absolutely . i want to get better . i really do . i know you do . well start tomorrow . mwah . male voice i would caution against physical therapy . guys like us dont look good in shorts . oh , why is it never hair growth . its me , your hernia . homer , your doctor told you to listen to your body . and i am telling you , just take it easy . are you sure . i just promised marge . take it from your hernia . oh , youve got this , marge . now , focus on your co ah . i guess ive been neglecting my key aah . is it this . no . all i can say is , if you have a muscle and you know what it does , then that is not the co ah . oh , the core . right , thats what i said co ah . now , what sports are we gettin you ready for , marge . rollerblading . uh , muay thai . no , nothing like that . i only have to be in good enough shape to take care of an immobile man . ah , so homer isnt coming , eh . you know , i could go to him at work . oh , hes got enough stress at work . all right , well , get you into something . uh , mountain biking . free bouldering . i got it . marge , we are going to get you kitesurfing . kitesurfing . i could do that with homie . you know what . im not letting homer drag me down this time . yes , i want to learn kitesurfing . lets go kitesurfing now middle aged ladies learning how come on kitesurf ari with me kitesurfings a simple sport . all you need is the wind and the waves . and a spreader bar, , bindings , impact vest , chicken loop , donkey stick , squirrel clip , and , of course , parking pass . yeah , ruining peoples day at the beach . we are worse than sand in a hot dog , eh , lou . you know theres a double murder downtown . well , now its a triple , cause you just killed my day . keep the kite swooping , marge . follow the timing of my pecs . left , right , left , right , left , right ah . dont look me in the eyes , marge . my pecs are down here . there you are . left , right , left , right so , mom is kitesurfing while dad is eating three desserts . oh , your grandma and i had our differences , but we stopped arguing when she disappeared for three decades . oh . oh , its so nice to get an evening out just with you . can i get you a baby chair . no . youre good . homers a talking to nobody . the cat lady is eating with cats . ralph is in a the lobster tank . im expensive . homer , youre doing great . look at those guys eating half portions , trying to stay fit . theyre just setting themselves up to meet my buddies torn acl and pinched nerve . now , you , youre smart . the most strenuous thing youre gonna do is fart the star spangled banner . mm , thats got a difficult range . is there an easier anthem . hey , the riskiest thing were gonna do is have lasagna . we just had lasagna . have it again . nobodys gonna stop you . i love you . who are you . cirrhosis . whats it to ya . homer , im going to the beach . i packed lunch for two if you want to come . oh , the beach . sure . lets get sunstroke , a hyperextended tendon , and wrap it up by getting decapitated by a frisbee . hard pass . sorry , marge . hard pass . its been so long since you made a move on me . or any move . um , how about if i drone you a kiss . hurry up , marge . were gonna catch big air all morning , sleep all afternoon , then boil a sheep for breakfast . im still on new zealand time . been here years but cant shake it . please , homer , youre my husband . get up and live . sorry , marge . i got to go with my gut . if you dont come after me , theres a big problem . the drone doesnt count . hey . can you watch the kids this afternoon . sorry , marge . hernia . we make quite a team . who are you talking to . hey , i do not have voices in my head . theyre in my crotch . oh . just call my sisters to watch the kids . lets drop him in the woods and see if he can find his way back . our parents are drifting apart . and as much as i dont enjoy doing this , i need the advice of the only couple we know that seems to like each other . im stuck with you . relationships are simple , really . like , if shaunas best friend tiffany comes on to me , i make out with shauna , but i pretend its her friend . aw . tiffany . oh , yeah . oh , yeah . oh , yeah . guys . guys , . lets focus . focus . please give me something useful . okay . your parents have just got to find something they both like doing . like , i like laughing at losers . and i make losers happen . common interests . of course . tv announcer back now to live coverage of little xii college golf on espn d , your second home for division iii sports . dad , can you drive us down to the beach . i have a school project on sea turtles . dont listen to them . you can see me .  . its always the babies . hey . where are the turtles . there are no turtles , homer . its a trick . these kids are trying to help you , cause they love you . so there never were turtles . no turtles . im starting to think there were no turtles . marge . she looks so beautiful . ive been such a fool . and you forgot to get a parking pass . heh . our work is done , lou . oh ill never let myself go like that . im a comin , marge . ew . gross . homer , youre making me mad . and if theres one thing you dont want to aggravate , its a hernia . im marges husband , homer . homer . good o . would you like me to rehab you at work . i could come right to you . same price . maybe . but now i need your biggest , fastest kite . the widdamaka . what . can you say that without an accent . the widowmaker . oh . thats scary . back to the accent . the widdamaka . ill take it . when i got married , i took a vow something , till death something . homer . rooster your gimbal . rooster your gimbal . what does that mean .  . pull the rope . the other rope . homie . you came for me . and ill never leave you . except right now when the wind blows me god knows where . theyre headed for a wind farm . both whoa . whoa . whoa . well , mother , looks like we caught a couple more kiteboarders . ill get the big ladder . ill tell the hospital their powers gonna be down for a while . strong woman , i love you . and i love you . and never again will i listen to a doctor . wait , thats not the takeaway . takeaway . thats a good idea . yello . pizza palace . can i get a henry the eight inch pizza with extra meat . and a side of chocolate cheesy bread . no such thing . can you make it anyways . chief , ive got to make dinner for my kids . could you please tell me what this is about . like most physical therapists in america , this man is actually a russian spy . nigel is a spy . dimitri nigelovonovitch . did you ever wonder why he was so interested in seeing your husband at work . i thought it was close to his house . didnt you ever ask yourself how a beach bum like him could afford a top of saturn suv with a full spare tire . i guess i didnt want to know . just thank god , thank god your husband is entrapping him now . homer , i just need a few pictures of the co ah . the what . goo ah . the car . goo ah . like a crow . caw . co ahr . damn it . show me your reactor core . all units , move in . springfield . refill . homer kids , is there anything better than when a restaurant misprints a coupon . and with the money we saved , your mom is getting a swedish massage . all the tensions going out of my body . now lets take one deep breath of this classy place before we go back to our lousy car . excuse me , that air is the property of this restaurant . fine , ill give it back . good one . memory book . okay , kids . i admit we hustled the restaurant there , but thats it . i dont want you to think this is the way you get ahead in life . do not take advantage of someone elses mistakes . your car , sir . but thats not you see that , kids . its the kind of car they dont make anymore . windshield that breaks into a thousand glass razor blades . your lap is the cup holder . vinyl seats that can melt your ass . god , do i want to drive it . oh so useless . this is the car ive always wanted . youll never have a car this nice . youll never have a girlfriend this cute . thats right . and youll never have exhaust this toxic . oh , i need this . ive always needed this . get in , kids , get in . dad , what were you just telling us . this is morally wr whee . pull every knob . press all the buttons . find out what things do . dont you chitty bang me . oh , whats this crank for . duh , rolling down the window . hmm . how do i put on the air conditioning . uh , youre doing it . aw , cool . an ashtray . a full ashtray . uh uh . bad , . ah , smooth . bad , . now , to tie them in a bow . my husband hes doing something incredibly stupid . look at this beautiful color . seafoam . this is what cars used to look like . and what the sea used to look like . lisa and bart whee . whoa . put this on the list of things we dont tell your mother . including the fact there is a list . lisa aw , its over . now , to teach you kids a life lesson . moments of pure joy always have consequences . we already knew that . yeah . why do you think we exist . quick . put on your innocent faces . innocenter . uh , yeah , im , uh , im sorry , you gave me the wrong car . the moment i realized , i brought it back immediately . you stole my car . my precious cadillac eldorado biarritz convertible in the original seafoam , with the illegal brodie knob . oh , god . tell me right now you did not touch my brodie knob . absolutely not . this is the brodie knob . oh . i was all over that thing . youre in big trouble . theyre gonna charge you with grand theft auto . a lousy game but a magnificent law . listen , im sorry . really sorry . i just wanted to give my kids a ride , show them the house i was born in , show them the house im gonna die in , then drive through a cornfield for kicks . whoo hoo . i gave you the uss enterprise , and you returned with the orville . i am so sorry . youre absolutely right . ill get it fixed by a pro . ill get you a license plate frame saying my other car is a insert dumb movie reference . tron legacy light cycle . well , okay . i suppose i could allow you to oh , god . no . my mint condition copy of radioactive man number one . this was the comic i always wanted most since i was an athletic , popular child . look , youre a nice guy . when have you ever seen me be a nice guy .  . i am pressing charges . is this yours . yes . simpson , get on the bike . put your arms around me . now , head on my shoulder . yeah aw , thats nice . and dont lean the same way i do or were both dead . uh , by the way , youre under arrest . uh , doesnt the law say i need a helmet , too . another law youre breaking . why are you riding a motorcycle . its not for fun . i got arrested . thats worse . your honor , im scared . okay , i screwed up . if youll permit , may i read a speech in my defense . did your daughter write it . absolutely not . sir , if an opportunity came along to give your kids a memory theyll never forget , wouldnt you hop in the drivers seat . a golden day with their dad . what could be more innocent . all i know is that as that gas gauge read empty , our hearts were full . full of love . love of what our country does best build cars years ago . im a judge . but im also a father . a father whose ex wife only lets him see the kids on summers and christmas . i dont need you to rub it in . i find the defendant guilty . your honor , im not the one on trial here . yes , you are . hire a lawyer , i said . waste of money , he said . this is what i spend my time in courtroom audiences for . this is my starbucks . two weeks . two weeks to turn this around . lisa , can we get the state to change its sentencing guidelines in the next two weeks . ah , the legislative calendar is pretty full . and they take off the second week for easter . roman easter . to the byzantine world , its nothing . im afraid we have to prepare for the possibility that you might go to prison . announcer the arts and incarceration channel presents when soft men do hard time . interviewer what advice would you give to a new inmate . everything can be a weapon . i saw a guy get his eye gouged with uncooked spaghetti . you sound like youve seen a lot . ive seen things and done things i aint proud of . and im the chaplain . i cant take this , marge . maybe i can make peace with comic book guy . do you think so . hes an angry man . his favorite thing is star wars , and he hates star wars . ill talk to him . careful , marge . hes a lazy , overweight slob . dont fall in love with him . comic book guy , my husband is really sorry . okay , he screwed up . but he doesnt belong in prison . i beg to differ . that car is very special to me . when i was young , my father took me in it to buy comic books . no , not comic books . everything in my life is not comic books , okay . we bought baseball cards . look , well detail your car and fix your comic book . this is not about my car . it is about me getting respect . i want all the little lulus five dollars can buy . and make it snappy , blobba the hutt . jabba is actually quite slim . for a hutt . just get the lulus . or ill take my business to build a . here you go . five dollars worth of little lulus . as for you , i am not budging . like the door of supermans fortress of solitude when the beatles tried to visit . pure folly . that comic is noncanonical . the only thing noncanonical in my store is snoopy dressed as sgt . rock for an ill timed vietnam war ad . i see . well , im sorry to have bothered you . yes , dont let the door hit you on the way out . no , seriously . its just been painted . oh . thats what being nice gets you . mom , dad , i think i found the answer on the internet . lisa , nothing good ever comes from youtube . except ducks eating watermelon . no , . sentencing mitigation videos . people have had their jail terms reduced , or even gotten off death row by producing slick video appeals to the judge . finally , a way for rich people to bend the system their way . mr . burns got off the hook once by using a video directed by guillermo del toro . hello , i am , uh , film director guillermo del toro . uh , when i was a young boy , i fell in love with monsters . frankensteins monster , king kong , son of kong , nosferatu , godzilla , mechagodzilla , godzillas nephew godzooky , mothra the caterpillar , mothra the moth , the blob from the blob and godzillas cousin , sheldon godzilla . lesser known but equally horrifying . monsters , yes . but they are capable of love . which brings us to montgomery burns . oh , hello . did someone mention me . del toro from birth , he was not wanted . then came the real monsters the bullies that hated him just because he was wealthy . and maybe he rubbed it in a little . but no one knows the real mr . burns . i love seor burns . who are you . he combines the ancient evil of cthulhu with the trim physique of slender man . seor burns demonstrates that in all so called monsters beats a heart . thank you for listening . and thank you , georgia film commission , for the discount . ill see you wherever free people congregate . like the yale club . wow . maybe ive been all wrong about evil . once again , mr . del toro stripped away the darkness and found beauty at its core . like that fish snuggling movie . excuse me . ah you told me youve never been to missouri . youre right , honey . hollywood can solve anything . except its own lack of creativity and diversity . now , how do we make this thing . i think we should use a videographer . theres one left in town . i will do anything for your wedding video . color , black and white , or polaroid swinger , cha . i gotta warn you , my camera hand is shaky because i have a major vitamin e deficiency . no problemo . it works fine if you just nod your head like this you know , we could just do it ourselves . yeah . those are the words that are killing my profession . now you say nice things about me . so what is it youre looking for . words or something . uh , human words . okay , uh , homer simpson , uh , well , real family man . yeah . always brings his kids into the bar . not one of them aristocrats who gets all bent out of shape when theres a mouse in his beer . hey , moe . i need you to file a serial number off a wheelchair . homer cut . hmm homer simpson . how can i put this . ah , weve never had an employee get rehired so many times . homer simpson has two children enrolled in our school . thats all im comfortable saying . all right , lets see what you got . i had to edit a little . homer simpson . family man . happy . aristocrat . too . cool . comfortable . homer is a grace to the family . he is an ape le father . i warned marge marry him . thats the best you can do . im screwed . not while i can use final cut pro . well start from scratch . using the only two things people still believe in babies and dogs . sorry , snowball , cats are polarizing . please just give us something we can use . were ready . oh , now the dog wont cooperate . theres a trick that always works with kevin james . i think ill color this man father marge hes a guy who gets off at and comes directly home to be with his kids . said im gonna color him father color him father hes incredibly generous to his friends and neighbors . in his spare time , he loves pta meetings . helping with the cub scouts . or just going to the movies . this is maggie , our baby . and she understands whats going on . shes never said a word , but i get the feeling she wants to say something now . nee da dy . what a man . and now we pray . bless us , o lord , for this bountiful feast not that prayer . i must say , i am impressed . so , unless the prosecution has a rebuttal , im inclined to not so fast . do you have a video , too . no , that would be pretentious . very well , then . i have a speech . comic book sales is a very fragile field . kids hate to read , the stores smell like farts and bubble gum then the things i cherish most my fathers car , my precious , comic , and most important , my dignity were taken from me . im just your ordinary small businessman . never took anything from anyone . but i did dare to think i would be treated with respect . i have so many fictional heroes , your honor . for once , please give me a real one . best . courtroom speech . ever . yes . i will render my sentence tomorrow . i thank you . good night . boom . wait , . do you want to go to a movie . ill go to a movie with you , judge . you wont be available . oh . dad , the computer says that computer has brought me nothing but trouble and sports scores while im at church . a store in ogdenville just put up the same radioactive man comic that we destroyed in perfect condition . its my last hope at freedom . i mean , how much could an old comic cost . are you done . no . you cant be closed . its tuesday at . do you not see the closed sign written in wakandan . and i wasted high school learning german . was fur eine schande . well , german is earths closest language to klingon . come on in . what do you want . im extremely busy . mm hmm . i want to talk to you . i see we have reached the epilogue of our little drama . no , not the epilogue . still plot . still plot . look , i know weve had our differences , but we can still be friends . like when superman teamed up with lex luthor . that was an imaginary story written by harlan ellison because he wanted to get fired . well , maybe this will tickle your ponytail . the ogdenville copy . it lives . am i forgiven . im afraid not . no . i dont have a choice . the grudge is still inside me . which is also the name of a low budget roger corman movie . oh . what does it take . how to explain what i am feeling . uh look around . what do you see . uh a bunch of stuff that other people threw out . like a mirror , you see everything but understand nothing . get out . lets go . oh , my god . oh . is that a season one welcome back , kotter key chain . it is . the proof a john travolta who is happy to be there . how did you get this . did i ever tell you about my uncle max . he was the halfback in the family . if you gave him a sandwich , you got half back . this is for you , son . dont say i never gave you nothing . are you gonna give me anything else . nope . one thing . homer , when you look at your precious totem there , how does it make you feel . i never thought of it before . i touch it all the time . i feel unhappy if i dont have it . sometimes i dream about it . i think i love it . well put . now understand this . dah . that is how you made me feel . now you see . and you may consider the charges dropped . let us shake hands , drink rice wine , and enjoy swedish fish candy . are you saying im off the hook . yes . in fact , you may be surprised , but you are now my best friend . so im not going to prison . no , you are going to comic con with me . oh . hmm . let me see , let me see . dad , just say yes . is prison still an option . no . not until you hold down harrison ford while i clip off his fingernails . lets get to it . whats this . mitigation video . when i first met bart , i was just a nerdy kid with glasses . but now this blue haired butterflys ready to emerge from his pupa . simpson , you think this is helping you . skinners a jerk . skinners a jerk . skinners a jerk . skinners a jerk . skinners a springfield . springfield . a truck broke down , and the cops are taking their sweet time clearing it up . he thinks my tummy is a mountain . lou , quick , take a selfie . its not a selfie if i take it . hes kissing me . take a selfie . take a selfie . oh , man , my phones dead . milhouse , what am i missing in the group text . its awesome . youre never gonna get caught up . what kind of jazz you listening to , stupid or boring . its marc marons podcast . he does cool interviews with really interesting people . lame , dont know him . lame , dont know her . loudon wainwright , lame , . this guy interviewed krusty . yeah . hey , no , aw , thats my ear bu ew . its yours now . marc maron wow . thats incredible , krusty . i mean , really , im blown away . yeah , well , its true . its absolutely true . i have a phobia of pies . thats so crazy because , i mean , weve all seen you get hit in the face with pies on your show . no , those are cakes decorated as pies . oh , right , so thats how you make yourself feel safe . its not the crust its the fillings . krusty , i got to ask you about something , and and i dont want you to get defensive , but its something youve never talked about . can you tell me about the sands of space . oh , no . thats off limits, , soul patch . we could talk about the exploding milkshakes in your laffy meals . did they ever find those kids noses . okay , ill tell you about the sands of space , the movie that almost consumed my soul . yeah , keep talking . im just feeding the cats . it all began back in the golden age of hollywood , the late s , when high concept was king . youd mix two kooky words together in the title , put a rap song at the end that explains the plot , and bam youre on the cover of premiere magazine . i had starred in the hit action buddy comedy good cop , dog cop , where i played a murdered police officer who is reincarnated as his partners pet saint bernard . five smashed squad cars , exploded helicopters , and the mayors wife has fleas . turn in your badge and your collar . youre suspended for a month . for me , thats like seven months . dog cop . krusty suddenly , everyone in town was dying to be in the krusty business , and i was dipping shrimp with all the big talents i once longed to see fail . and , of course , what the studio wanted most was a sequel . okay , krusty , weve got good cop , dog cop golden revolver all lined up . we , uh who who did the two terrys , they just turned in a great script . savage sam borgberg is all set to direct . so when do we start . i get it . you think im just some hack , out to churn out lazy sequels for a quick buck . yes . this is my next movie . the sands of space . krusty , are you kidding me . this is the most famously un filmable book in history . it made kubrick a recluse . it it drove coppola to wine . the four jeffs tried to write a script , but even they couldnt crack it . when i bought this at an adult bookstore by mistake , it changed my life . theres a light that shines from star to star , from soul to soul , connecting everyone in the universe . wow . its not landing for me that the hero doesnt refuse the quest before he accepts the quest . is that landing for you . look , im not drinking out of one more toilet until you green light this movie . and im not playing a dog , either . all right , we got a comic who wants to make a hippie dippie science fiction vanity project . heres what we do we humor him , and we make it dirt cheap . we could shoot it in mexico for nothing . we hire a has been to direct it and never wases to do everything else . after it bombs , that clown will come scooting his butt back here to make all the dog cop movies we want . two more . krusty the sands of space was a go , and the studio hired the least qualified crew they could find , including a young couple whose love was just starting to bloom . she was full of optimism , and he was slightly less fat than he was going to be . what could be cooler . you and me working on a movie together all summer long as production assistants . its so romantic . well be like elizabeth taylor and richard burton if they had to get coffee for everybody . all right , everyone , saddle up for jurez , mexico . thats where i shot manhattan mix up . lost a lot of good men on that show . now , move it out . homer why are we stopping . skinner oh , the bus has been leaking oil for miles . look behind us . homer those things were literal . the sands of space , day one , shot one , take one . and action . so barren , so alien , yet somehow familiar . hey , what the hell is this . cut . cut it . this sand is sand colored . its supposed to be red . so what . sand is sand . did you even read the book . these blood dunes are all thats left of humanity after the rust wars . whats to read . its a space picture . laser cars , girls with octopus arms , zip zap glip glorp , and its in the can . look , you no talent bag of wrinkles . go back to whatever toluca lake drunk tank they fished you out of , because youre not getting anywhere near my movie . sir , ive worked in moving pictures since they were called stillies . i once shot a two hour picture in minutes . and so i say to you , in the words of miss lillian gish , go crap in your hat . and now , if youll excuse me , i am going to mysteriously drown in the ocean . as you may have heard , theres been an amicable parting of ways with that moron director . we wish him well . clearly , theres only one artist close enough to this film to direct it me . i know what youre thinking have i taken on too much by starring and directing a movie that i was also tricked into cofinancing . no , because this story must be told . this is so exciting . krustys got the passion and vision to make this movie great . i have no idea how to make a movie . i know nothing . all these people are screwed . and the crew gift is just a t shirt . right , i i get it . in the tradition of every actor ever , you thought you could direct . directing seemed so easy . you just hold your hands like this , then bing , bang , boom , annie leibovitz is taking your portrait in a bathtub full of milk . yeah , talk about pressure , though . man , i remember once i was filming a special at the laugh basement in tampa this isnt about you . you got your ad in for dollar doorknob club . now , let me talk . krusty they say in hollywood , nobody knows anything . well , i knew a lot less than that . what do you like for the princesss headpiece , feathers or scales . i dont know , how about scales . oh , well , there goes the whole costume budget . uh , for the crew lunch , the grips want their hot dogs boiled , but the gaffers want them grilled . either way , i dont got no hot dogs , so , uh , which is it . do you want the space ship doors to open like , zzztt zzztt, , ppswishh or wahh wahh . judd nelson wont come out of his trailer . christian slater wont go back into his trailer . how many sugars do you want in your coffee . stop asking me things . is this an official break , or are we taking a five . wahh wahh . hmm , that poor clown man . this movie is his dream , and its falling apart . yeah , thats mexico showbiz for you . oh , is nothing on this movie real . um , are you okay . okay . im a total fraud who cant make a single decision . well , maybe you just need to start with a small one . like , what color should the space monsters blood be , orange or green . both . neither . i dont know . just close your eyes , breathe deeply , and envision the blood . what color is it . orange . there you go . you decided . of course , orange . i knew i was a genius . i did it . i directed a movie . well , its just one decision . oh , im a nothing . a phony baloney . a no talent . a zilch . just my luck to work for the only insecure person in showbiz . you risked everything you have to tell this story . it must be special . maybe i can do this with your help . how would you like to be assistant to the director . really . i need you to help me be decisive . no , wait , i dont want that . oh , god , which one . the first , the first . youre hired . oh . add more dynamite . uh , those explosives are really close to those extras . so . we got plenty of them . thats why theyre called extras , right . you tell that lox to go to acting school and work there as a janitor . krusty loves what youre doing . same energy , little quicker . tell him to sod off . he says , you got it , baby . its so much pressure . the whole movie depends on it . tell the story that needs to be told . that butt double for the action scene , that butt double for the love scene . lets make art . sorry im late , but krusty and i were storyboarding tomorrows shots . close up, , medium , long , establishing , close , pov , wide , and then get this medium . youve been so busy with that director , i never see you . krusty needs me . hes under so much pressure . you wouldnt believe how much directing dust hes sniffing . everyones working hard . we had to repaint all the sets black and white for a flashback . we wouldnt have been able to do it if not for all the crew powder . well , itll all be worth it when this movie touches peoples hearts , as peabo bryson sings the theme song over the credits . you got peabo . well , he hasnt committed . hes not the only one . this was supposed to be a romantic adventure , but whenever we have a moment alone , your beeper goes off . why dont we have a romantic adventure right now . oh , yeah , baby . wahh wahh . where were you . i had to watch the dailies without you . greetings . welcome . greetings . welcome . greetings . welcome . greetings . ive been going back and forth all night . which is better . did you get one with hello . im sorry , i was with homer , my boyfriend . boyfriend . you cant have a boyfriend . i want you . krusty . not like a lady . like a mother slash therapist slash rabbi who xeroxes things . dump the boyfriend . i believe in this movie , but i also believe in homer and marge . me , im marge . oh , yes , marge . marge , i knew that . marge . marge . im not going to break up with homer . hes my soul mate . hmm . you know what . i get it . your life has to come first . yet again , youre the only one who can set me straight . thank you . thats all right . its not all right . im gonna grind that boyfriend down finer than this movies red sand that i now wish was sand colored . send in my anesthesiologist so i can take a nap . dreams or no dreams . surprise me . wow , its crazy , man , right . how narcissism and insecurity go hand in hand . i mean , you couldnt function because your assistant had a boyfriend . where does that jealousy come from . how would i know . i fired my shrink after i found out she was seeing other patients . anyway krusty i made sure the boyfriend had all the most dangerous jobs on the set . im out of breakfast burritos . bring in the stunt dummy . perfect . lets get one more for safety . im telling you , your crazy boss is out to get me . no , hes not . krusty loves our relationship . every day , he says it would be a shame if something happened to you , then laughs and laughs . then why are they sending me out to the middle of the desert to find a lizard for a new scene about a space lizard . hmm , that does sound a little dangerous . no , im sure its super safe . ill see you when i get back alive . here , lizard , . who wants to be famous . look at all those skeletons . mexicans sure love halloween . whoa . doh . what the . wha oh , im trapped in a ravine . only one thing to do wait patiently for death . dad , wake up . what . yeah , get up , fat ass . who the hell are you , talking cactuses . were the kids youre never gonna have if you dont you get your lazy butt out of that hole . and technically , its cacti . ow . why should i climb out of here and have you . marge spends all her time taking care of that needy clown . i thought i was her passion project . you know , someday you might appreciate a wife whos developed empathy and patience for chubby , selfish men . look at that bald guy . hes so bald . i dont think well ever be born . sorry , maggie . eat my thorns . why , you prickly . a casa . im saved . ay , caramba . the pain lords forced me to mine every quarry on this planet , but they never imagined i had the love gem all along . and cut . that was amazing . and you remembered all your lines . aw , thanks marge . youve helped me become what every director should be an amiable guy who makes everyone suffer through his hellish process . homers been kidnapped . theres a note . we have taken your blubbering coward . the ransom is million or los angeles raiders season tickets . go , raiders . oh , geez , im sorry , everyone . we dont have the cash to ransom that kid , but i think i know what hed want a special thanks in the closing credits right before which kind of film stock we used . back to work . no . this crew looks after its own . were gonna save homer , and i dont care how much golden time they have to pay us . we dont have a million dollar ransom , but we do have one thing movie magic . powder up , everyone . ay , . ay indeed . give us back our p . a .  . the americans , they have weapons from the future . yar . these weapons from the future , they are not real . stop shooting . stop shooting . cut . okay , thats a five . we dont have your million dollars , but we can give you something much more valuable a hollywood movie . all we want back is the lowliest member of our crew . we could sell it to the highest bidder at mifed . you have a deal . no , . you cant give away my masterwork . theres a light that shines from star to star , from soul to soul , connecting everyone in the universe . be the man who believes in those words , and let the light between me and homer give life to our universe . gentlemen , the film is yours . youre a good man , krusty . only when im with you , which is why i never want to see you again . i want that , too . ive done a lot of interviews , man , but wow . i i am so glad that byron allen canceled . and after that , my movie career was kaput . i was sent back to kids tv and never cared about making anything good ever again . well , folks , you heard it . who could ever forget it . a heartbreaking story about a selfish mans one selfless act . do you like hot cashews but dont have the time to heat them up . shewblasters is disrupting the heated nut business . if the shew heats , eat it . bart mom . dad . you guys never told us you worked on a movie together . so thats why youve been wearing that crew jacket all these years . that crazy movie . oh , man , that was a long time ago . we were just kids . what was it like . well , working on that movie set turned out to be a lot like our marriage . long days , stupid fights you dont remember , but damn good breakfasts . a good breakfast can get you through a lot . but what happened to the movie . did krusty ever see it . i dont know . i guess well never know . the love crystal is whole once more . the prophecy is fulfilled . what . why are they laughing . they think its a comedy . it was supposed to show how were all connected . look around , man . maybe it did , maybe it did . if you think this is closure , youre nuts . skinners a jerk . springfield . springfield . bleh . doh . yello . dad , im sleeping over at milhouses and i cant take it . come on , bart , read me to sleep . and do the voices . im ruler , said yertle . of all that i see . could we try that again . and hit im a little harder . im ruler , said yertle . faster and this time hit said . that makes no sense . okay , well do it your way , then my way , and ill see what works in editing . dad , get me outta here . sorry , boy , you know the rule . accept the invite , stay the night . hello , yertle . oh . oh , my god . i ill be on the next plane . oh . whats wrong , honey . my aunt eunice is dying . i have to leave right away . homer oh , poor marge . wait . she said i , not we . i dont have to go . aw , you love her , too . sweetie , do you want to come . uh , w with all my heart . uh , but the children need me . oh . yello . bart dad , i am begging you . who is this . marge okay . i made a loaf of peanut butter and jelly . you just have to slice it into sandwiches every day . check . i set the roomba up to cope with your cleaning . check . i made a welcome wagon basket for our new neighbors from eastern europe . check . not czech , slovenian . check . one last thing this is very important , homer . the new season of odder stuff drops on netflix tonight . oh , . something to do . do not watch it without me . what . why not . i have to see if my fan theories are correct . i think its set in the s . homer , the nine hours we binge watch that show together is our thing . and we dont have a lot of things . but holding hands in a darkened room with my head on your shoulder has become the glue that seals our love . i get it . i totally get it . i know im not perfect . sometimes i forget our marriage birthday . our anniversary . yes . and sometimes i forget your birth anniversary , but i promise i will not watch our show without you . thank you , homie . aunt eunice thank you girls for coming . dearest , you were always our favorite aunt . psst , over here . when shes gone , i get the ps , selma gets the ss . you get to notify the utilities . cant this wait until after shes dead . ill be too busy grieving . yeah . too busy grieving i got the salt shaker . easy peasy . p for salt , s for pepper . im walking towards a light uh huh . uh huh . with a post it on it . uh oh . okay , sweetie , heres a book that can help you fall asleep . no , . no , sweetie . you chew it , like this . look . yummy book . mmm . oh . hey . hey , what . huh . whats this . what are you doing .  . you guys cant watch this . uh , no . you cant watch this . we didnt promise mom nothing . children , there are shows you could watch right now . many with ted danson . wait for me . marge this show you can watch . too depressing . oh . ah . no . must find place to avoid pop culture discussions . i know . the watercooler . the semi gorgon . so many twists . i know . set in the s . and the guffer brothers . my turn to talk about how much i liked it . shouldnt doing something nice for your wife feel better than this . homer , will you read my odder stuff fan fiction . i threw it over stephen kings fence but i it hit him on the head . why stephen king . eh , hes got a low fence . mmm dont worry , kids . sideshow mel will be fine . he has an air bubble . its all carbon dioxide now . this is the last time i buy a trick from a magicians widow . nobodys watching my show . what with the downloading and the streaming , and the fact that everything else is better . now , youre my writers . you pay us like interns . and im your niece . hey hey . hey hey . now i want ideas . why dont we do another live special . what . i cant remember lines . at my last wedding i wrote i do on the rabbis forehead . you could hide a golden ticket in some candy like willy wonka . the only children allowed in my factory are the ones that work there . how bout we have a contest . some lucky kid gets to run around a krusty store for five whole minutes and take all the toys they want . it inspires buying , its easy to promote , and its the third thing someone pitched . im sold . lets see what else netflix has to offer . because you watched an s show featuring a monster alf , roseanne , moonlighting , the cosby show theyre all too scary . oh . god forgive me . no . only when were together . its our glue . homer , im ted sarandos . chief content officer of netflix . this cant be a dream because i dont know who you are . im not a dream . lets just say im a manifestation of complex algorithms that know everything about you . well , i cant watch this because i know . i know . marge told you not to . do you know that shes been watching scandinavian crime dramas with full nudity without you . that nudity is story driven . yeah , right . but odder stuff is our thing . no . your things with us . shes just along for the ride . the accounts in your name . come on , come on , watch it now . because our subscription prices will triple tomorrow . wow . i finally finished something i wasnt supposed to start . that is impressive . i wont even mind watching it again with marge homer .  . uh oh . the lady from my marriage . my aunt recovered . why are you up at a . m .  . still warm . you watched it . i finally learn how little i mean to you . wait . no . marge , i am sorry . come on , its a stupid tv show . i dont want to hear your voice . mmm no . were staying married . enough with the rebuses . all right , ill just grab my pillow and sleep on the couch . no . youll sleep right next to me . because i want you to feel the bitter rays of ice coming from my frozen soul . oh . oh . its so bitterly cold . marge im fine . krusty to enter our contest , write down , in words or less , why you love me more than god and america . the top three essayists will earn a chance to run roughshod through a krusty store and not get tased by security . whoever fills the cart with the most toys gets to keep them , free . and the other two get the worst kind of squat diddly . diddly . you cant say that word on tv . employees and monkeys of this network are not eligible . lis , will you write my essay for me . what , you cant even come up with , i love krusty because im a class clown and hes a clown with class . perfect . and the best thing is im stealing it from you . oh , thatll impress em . go ahead . but theres one thing i want you to hear when you win by cheating , eventually you lose . wait , sorry , after you said win , i started thinking about dirt bikes . you cheated on your wife , homer . i waited for lenny before i watched . after this , weve got a stand up special from chris rock . dont watch that with your wife , either . quit sleeping in the garden . dad . huh . sweetie , everythings fine . dad , maybe you should be talking to someone whos older than me . ted sarandos . whos ted sarandos . i was hoping you knew . homer forgive me , father , for i have sinned . my son , what are your sins . aside from thinking our church has confession . i watched a binge worthy tv show without my wife . was it the crown . dont tell me how it ends . doesnt she become queen . oh , go to hell . aw , what am i gonna do . i dont know what she wants . homer , sorry to blow my own horn but netflix knows your wife better than you do . do you know what she watches incessantly when youre not around . usually this thing . dance shows . she loves em . want to win her back . learn to dance , my puppet . hmm . i have disappointed marge with my dancing in the past . ill do it . did you guys all let down your wives . im not that pathetic . im just paying an hour for basic human contact . cha cha . hello . my name is julia . just remember julia believes in you . julia will always believe in you . julia will stay with you until you are a dancer . whats my name . homer . no . my name . julia . and why are you here . i need to learn how to dance to get my wife back . aw its been a long time since a woman said that to me . now we begin . zoey b , zoey t , you work with these guys . this man needs one on help . i dont know how to tell you this , but you are a terrible dancer . uh , it seems like you did know how to tell me that . but i am taking you on as my personal challenge , and when i take on a challenge , i dont quit . okay , heres the first thing when you step on my toe , it causes me pain . wow . im learning so much . hows your toe . doesnt matter . i dont quit and neither do you . homer , youre getting there . youre aware of when the music is playing . cant dance . marriage over . will live on boat . im gonna have to do something i didnt want to do . im bringing in my partner . sweet sal . watch me . with one hand , you can lead a woman . i find that hard to you have to come forward when i do this . mm . have to go back when i do this .  . as i push my palm into your back , youre forced to turn here . i am . i am . whoa back straight . knees bent . feet arched . eyes merry . moes tavern . moe speaking . homer . nah , sorry , midge . i aint seen him in weeks . what do you mean . he told me hes been there every night . oh , homer simpson . oh , no , i thought you were talking about , uh , homer the blind poet who wrote the iliad and the odyssey there , yeah . cause he aint been around since , like , bc . another night at moes . yeah . im beat . the couch . marge quiet . okay , homer , time to do a lift . are you sure . im pretty heavy . no , me . just grab my waist and hold on tight . im doing all the work . oh . oops . well work on that . hey , . its time for krustys toy trample . we have three finalists . but only the first finisher gets to keep his toys . losers have to pay the winners income tax . we rehearsed this with monkeys , and everything went great . bart now , to take out these two losers in two seconds . dead grandma , is that you . on your marks , prepare to advance . commence . no . no . congratulations , kid . and you also won a day with krusty . announcer day with krusty will actually be day with sideshow mel . dont we get anything . of course . you two get the greatest prize any kid could ask for wooden paddles with balls on em . mines broken already . use your imagination . the ball is a rocket ship , and the paddle is a i dont know . why am i wasting my time with this kid . is he dying . not that i know of . well , then get him outta here . homer marge , its me . i want to ask you one favor , and i wont bother you again . theres a dress in the bedroom . put it on and meet me at th and elm . are you going to tell me where youve been spending your nights . all will be made clear . marge , go to him . if you dont , hell head off to the war , and youll never see him again . hes not going to war . that coward . he doesnt deserve my daughter . shes here . you look beautiful . cut it out . why are we here . to dance . i dont know how . marge , all you have to do is one incredibly difficult thing trust me . im here oh . lets dance my dear oh yeah . whats your name . marge hmm . how do you do . mmm whats the game . hallelujah i saw a girl ive never seen this , mom and dad romantically in love . its like rebirth . oh . it cures all the wounds . aw . bart , are you seeing this . i set a new record . wha you missed the greatest moment in our parents lives . s pretty good . how do you do . whoo . i have not felt this good since i signed shonda rhimes . youre there im here okay , homer , catch and lift . but lets dance my dear whats your name . how do you do . whats the game . flanders hey . wait , how did you get a toy . it was a thank you from ralph for writing his essay . you wrote ralphs essay , too . its called hedging your bets , boys . hi yo, , just desserts . did someone say just desserts . dad , its just an expression . just an expression , eh . i have to warn you , we just have desserts . springfield . aw , water soup again . now its crow soup . oh , i call an eye . me , two . me , three . and maggie gets the beak . your hovel got in the way of my horse . kiss his hooves in apology . mm . mm . mm . oh , please , forgive us , noble steed . mm . mm . our nostrils are not worthy of your mighty stench . mm . mm . are those new horseshoes . oh , they look good on you . mm . mm . mm . lousy nobles . we serfs are starving , while theyre feasting and jousting and posing for tapestries where theyre friends with a unicorn . as if any unicorn would like them . unicorns like nice people im a nice person . young lady , that kind of talk is anti feudalist, , and i wont have it . without feudalism , we wouldnt have this hovel , our bountiful filth , or my awesome buboes . oh hoo . ill lance you later . bart . they just stuck new severed heads up on the city walls . oh . can we go , ma . can we . can we . thats a lovely idea . oh . and we can bring my mom . i hope shes doing okay in her new nursing home . which one is your moms web . grampa son , is that you . no . mrs . bouvier ah , you ruined my nap . just like you ruined my daughters life . thats her . they didnt skimp on the tar . thats the secret to long lasting heads . oh , theres ned flanders . its always nice when you know someone . those are the kind of sideburns i was saying you should grow . hmm pretty sharp . pretty , sharp . see how the heads of rich people get the tallest pikes with the best view . its so unfair . i told you to lay off feudalism . its the only system we know . we have no choice about it , and therefore its the best . the system is designed to keep us down . thats not true . in a great country like ours , a poor girl can grow up to be anything she wants a wife or a harlot and thats it . i wanted to be a harlot , but its all who you know . its never too late . everyone is somebodys weird fetish . mom . whats wrong with your skin . its blue , and ice cold . this could be a serious disease . homer , she needs medical attention . pretty , sharp . its never easy to say this . youve got genital snerfs . snerfs la , we love our new home . doc , is there any way to control occasional flare ups . nope . yeah . yay . yippee . now , what have we here . progressive frozen mortification . this can only be the bite of an ice walker . an ice walker . mom , how did this happen . oh , i dated a ravenous wight who abhors the warmth of the living . and . he got fresh . im sorry , baby . i know i screwed up . but you got to give me another chance . i love you . shes years younger than you , pervert . i like em young , that aint no crime . is my mom gonna be okay . mm , im sorry , but a week from now , your mother will be frozen solid . no . no , that cant be . shes barely into her hag years . all you can do is give her leeches for the pain . heres an organizer . so theres nothing we can do to save her . mm well , theres one treatment . marge all we have to do is buy this amulet . my mom is saved . yeah but a hundred gp . i mean , thats more than a tenth level fighter makes in an entire campaign . dont worry , well figure it out . hey , sweet young thang . what time they cuttin you down . oh , baby . okay , we just need to come up with a hundred gold pieces . how much do we have in our savings . hmm let me think . theres that thing what are savings . well , then we can sell our possessions . the pig . the spoon . the gelatinous cube has to be worth something . disco stu voice whoa , . is this because of what happened to the cat . i told him not to nap on me . so thats on him . look , honey , i love your mom . as crones go , shes tops . but does it make sense i mean total sense to spend all that money so a really old lady can get a little bit older . this is my moms life . this family will do whatever it takes to keep her alive . is that understood . of course . of course . good . good . good . all im saying is homer serfson , you are the most selfish jerk in the entire tri kingdom area . i should have listened to that witch and married my twin brother , markery . always here if you need me , sis . get lost , freak . she chose me . you get that money to save my mom , or never set foot in this hovel again . good things come to those who wait . oh is marge still sore at you , homer . yeah . its not like i want to kill her mother . i just want to let her die from neglect . if i dont get the money for that amulet , ill be sleeping on the iron couch . now , lets see here . an urgent message for milady gwendolyn partz . uh , milady partz . hey , has anyone seen milady partz . ah , come on , somebody grab milady partz . that depends how big is your dowry . you little craven , if i ever get my hands on you , im gonna slice you open and drain all of your humors blood , black bile , yellow bile and phlegm . aah . okay , breaks over . uh , lord montgomery . ive had some unforeseen family medical expenses , and i was wondering , could i get an advance on my salary . uh , but first , can i have a salary . peasants . serfson , youve pushed that wheel around and around for years did you ever wonder why . mostly i just push it . have you ever noticed that the wheel isnt hooked up to anything . the rumors were true . but your work does produce something very special human misery which , when collected , ground into a powder and snorted , gives rich people tiny wings that do nothing . so if you help me , it reduces my suffering , which means less wing powder for my betters . im glad we had this talk . but i really need the money flit flit . thank you for your time . mm hi , azzlan . marge , my child . ive come to offer solace in this difficult time . you mean convert me to your religion when im at my most vulnerable . oh , no , . im just here to ask you an important question . have you heard the news . yes , . i will be saved . thanks so much for stopping by . im just going to leave you with this literature , praise god i cant go home and face your mom without the money for that amulet . in here . do you have your lucky lead nugget . always . a lead lick a day keeps the doctor a blah gold . sweet , gold . why didnt you ever tell us you could do magic . because if the king finds out , hell take me away and force me to be one of his evil wizards . you necromancing nitwits . i wanted an all seeing eye , not this . no daughter of mine is gonna end up in the hex trade . now , lets go buy that amulet . and dont worry , mums the word . did you say the word . hmm . ah . hmm . hi , azzlan . hi , azzlan .  . my serve . you know , eventually , youre gonna run out of us . i said , my serve . mom , ive got a surprise for you . thanks to who . i said it when i was and ill say it now . youre the greatest husband in the world . mm whered a dirt poor loser like you get all the gold for that . oh , well lets just say i strangled a leprechaun . im not wearing that . but without it , youll die . fine by me . what .  . i want to die . oh , typical . i want to live , i want to die . just make up your mind theyre both terrible . oh , ive lived a full life . i saw a drawing of an ocean , i watched my daughter marry an ogre . i am not an ogre . my father married an ogre after my mother was eaten by a different ogre . youre my mom . i cant bear the thought of saying good bye . you want me to live , ill live . lets celebrate . ill roast a hobbit for dinner . mmm bet you a packet of south farthing pipe weed she picks me , gaffer . hush now , lad . the big folk will choose whos tastiest and no mistake . ow . oh . hey . how do you know you got them from me . snerfs we miss you . we miss you , too . love you . love you more . ow , . hmm . is it really so bad for grandma if she dies . wont she spend eternity in the fields of bliss . snake ow . yeah . were all going to the fields of bliss , where the days are passed in frolic most joyous . bart just frolicking . thats it . homer sometimes , you wave ribbons through the air . but mainly , frolicking . doesnt that get old . did i mention the ribbons . cause theres ribbons . fields of bliss . nonsense . the afterlife is an eternity of slaughtering and being slaughtered by your enemies . oh , yeah . youre both wrong . after death , you spend all day counting goblin jesuss money . and it better all be there . mermaids . some where the fish is the top part . top . mushrooms . everywhere , mushrooms . frolicking and ribbons . yeah , but what if after we die , thats it . were just gone . so just poof . really . poof , and then just super nothing . mm mm . well , its clean . ill give you that . oh , yeah . this is way better than death . come on , mom . theres so many things we can say to each other now . oh , really . okay , then , say them . im waiting . oh . um well what about you guys . what do you want to ask your grandma . i got nothing . im gonna take a stroll and enjoy the golden age of cleavage . lisa . um uh oh . well , grandma , tell us of your most ardent swain . i dated a shape shifter once . i thought i could keep him from changing . i was wrong . love is a fairy tale . oh . uh every moment with her is a precious gift . yes . yes , it is . all that matters is that were a family and were together . sorcerer intendent chalmers . your daughter has been detected using witchcraft . under the magic the gathering act , she is hereby property of the crown . what . my daughter isnt a magician . oh , im terribly sorry , but she is . yes , the moment that she transmuted lead into gold , our palantirs they just went bananas . ive never seen palantirs go so bananas . it was the only way . i just didnt want you to be sad about grandma . oh , no . this is all my fault . dont blame yourself , honey . were all at fault for doing whatever it takes to make you happy . help . you cant nap my kid . thats kidnapping . toenail imprisonum . doh . lisas magic . maybe im magic , too . abra carumba . yeah , just grab a stick and say a funny word . yeah , thats not insulting to us at all . please dont take my daughter . she was only trying to save her grandmother . she sounds like a wonderful kid . now please say good bye to her forever . take a peasant , leave a peasant . shes gone . lisas gone . clip me out of here , marge . im gonna rescue lisa if i have to kill every noble in that castle . but dad , serfs cant rise up against nobles . youd be attacking the system itself . and nobody loves feudalism more than you . son , feudalism is a beautiful vision . the bill of no rights . one person , no vote . but im willing to betray all that to get my daughter back . hey , you mind if i dissolve those . uh , just checking . better to ask . better to ask . peasants , peons , and distinguished beggars . arent you tired of the nobles taking the wheat we sow , the yarn we spin , and the wine we steal from travelers we murder on the road . they even take our children . and not just the worthless barts , but the magical lisas . if we can put a moon spangled hat on a man , why cant we kill a bunch of rich jerks and take their stuff .  . how are we going to get over these walls . walls cannot stop us . the trees will fight with you . we will never forget your sacrifice . sacrifice . we could have torn down the castle walls in five minutes . trees cant talk , silly . lisa mom . dad . help . milhouses , save your girlfriend . all lisa . lisa . lisa . okay , no , um im just a friend who is a girl . all its something to build on . you peasants are a drag on the economy . oh . i get it . because hes riding a dragon . aah . my love for wordplay is undiminished . aah . oh , no . were losing . we need to talk . now . yes , now . its time for me to go . life is about moving forward . girls want to be women , want to be mothers , want to be grandmas , and grandmas want to know what comes next . but what if im not ready . i wouldnt leave you if i didnt know youll be all right . okay , mom . i understand . maybe i was born a peasant , but im going out an ice queen . ouch . now we won . oh . mm . my mom gave her life to save ours . take comfort , marge . now shes in the fields of bliss . no , shes in goblin money heaven . the afterlife is snakes chewing your eyes , but it feels good . snerfs this is our heaven . oh . or , as long as grandma lives on in our hearts , then shes never truly gone . until we die . then its like she never existed . and , someday , no one will remember you . or anybody . all is well the nobles are defeated , the dragon is dead , and ive got a daughter who can turn lead into gold . oh . um , actually , i cant anymore . dragon fire is the source of all magic . and grandma killed the last one . everything wondrous and extraordinary about our world is going to fade . but maybe now we can use science to improve our world . with new technologies , we can put an end to poverty and disease . sure , itll be hard work , but far more rewarding than waving your hand over a rock to change it into gold . i mean please come back , magic . live , damn you , live . i am risen . but what about science . oh , sweetie , who would want to live in a world without magic . it would be so boring . people would have to make up fantasy stories most of them poorly written pretenses for explicit sex and violence . just to escape the tedious real world . oh . that does sound awful . look . the dragon is burning our village . i love our life . dry your tears a journeys end the sagas done we part as friends we must away we cannot tarry the minstrels burden is ours to carry all other stories will ever pale for we have sung the perfect tale . springfield . no . oh , i have to go all the way around again . i had the locker dream again . oh , honey , thats four nights in a row . stupid recurring dreams . why cant brains come up with something new . thats why theyre losing viewers to netflix . maybe i should talk to a therapist . sweetie , our insurance wont pay for any more sessions . your father used them all up on grief counseling after the halloween candy ran out . ive come to accept that we were lucky to have it while we did . but i know a cheap place where you can see the therapists of tomorrow today . behold , springfield community college , where the students practice on you . i only paid a student dentist for this brand new crown . see . i dont think its supposed to come out . thats why i paid a student paralegal to sue him . i lost . oh , yarr . homer mm . yarr . yarr . tv must be a circle . ow . ow , . give him the full flea dip and deluxe under worming . im not a dog . and ive been worm free for two weeks . you better muzzle him . hes a biter . my name is annette , and im a therapist in . im also a mother to , so i know theres nothing more beautiful than a childs feelings . you sound so caring and professional . when do i give you the seven dollars . theres a shoebox by the door . so what does my locker dream mean . am i stressed about school . i mean , schools are full of lockers . hey , whos the almost therapist here . huh . hmm . oh . oh . huh . mm . you know , i think you might benefit from art therapy . oh . draw in these empty panels to tell the story of a typical day in the life of you , sophia barnum . huh . once again , learn the patients name . sorry , professor . lisa simpson . excellent . continue . your lights still on . lisa art therapy . okay , draw a typical day . ugh . horrible . it looks like it was drawn by an eight year . ugh . oh , boy , i cant wait to take you to the park . the other owners will be so jealous . youre not my owner . uh , i kinda am . mmm . marge mm . im hearing a lot of feelings in here . youre hearing them because i am not drawing them . aw , sweetie , drawing is tricky . but you just need to start with something simple , like people . those are people . oh . its easy , honey . add some eyelashes here , some crosshatching to show shadow , vary the line width here to accent the outline , and voil . thats great . now in the next panel , i want her to be looking out a window , wondering if shell ever get out from under the weight of her own expectations . well , i could make the eyebrows come down in a v . lisa that says it all . hey , mom , what if i told you the things i was feeling and you drew them . okay . but im warning you , im not good at drawing turtle feet . so if there are any turtles in this , theyre gonna be wearing sneakers . deal . it starts with the story of a regular day gosh , i forgot how hard school can be for a sensitive kid . its miserable . but you captured my feelings perfectly . annette , wait till you see my art therapy . youre gonna love it , too . please try to pretend im not here . okay , stephen . hey , where did it go . best marriage counseling ever . but we still need to discuss your addiction to unboxing videos . do not make me choose between you and unboxing . manga . its been a week , and i still cant find my therapy comic . id be just mortified if even one person saw my private thoughts oh . mom , can i have permission to swear . okay , as long as its a tier one . damn it . that didnt work . can i go to tier two . im afraid not . damn it . and with that seal cut , we have completed the unboxing of the outer shipping plastic . indeed we have . you published my private art therapy as a comic book . um , actually , its a graphic novel . the distinctions are threefold shut up . okay then . um , in my defense , my wife did it . kumiko , how could you . i have acted shamefully . i must commit furry cosplay . oh . theres nothing sexy about shame . except in my native japan , where its our whole thing . mr . and mrs . book guy , you had no right to do this . these are my daughters feelings . and my doodles . i shall burn them on a pyre and disperse them to the seven winds . thats all i ask . lisa hmm . one sad girl , please . sad girls the best . its tragically delicious . wait . maybe this isnt so bad . my lulus . oh , there she is . ask for her autograph . you ask her , man . im freakin out . wow , lisa , our cartoon book seems to have really captured the whats that word im looking for . zeitgeist . oh , hi , mel . say hi to barbara for me . im not your messenger boy . whats so great about graphic novels . theyre just comic books with no superheroes and no cool sound effects like thwam . ack ack . and fwwwip . snag . lisa , kumiko called . she sold all her copies and wants us to make a sequel . thats like a prequel but in the future . what do you say , sweetie . do you have more sad in you . ive got scads of sad . oh , no , not again there they go with pad and pen collaboration oh , collaboration . okay , now draw me overhearing the other girls talking about how theyre not gonna invite me to a birthday party . like this . lisa fantastic . now lets take a little break . and you know what that means . hot sharpie . hot sharpie . hot sharpie . hot sharpie . hot sharpie . hot sharpie . you almost got me . how come we never bond like that . i dont know , you never make the first move . okay . there is something ive always wanted to do with you . hey , those guys stole our fishing poles . and my skipping stones . welcome to chicks with pix , a panel discussion with women writers and artists . im your moderator , roz chast . you may know my new yorker cartoons that are both funny ha ha and funny aha . silence . joining me today are alison bechdel marjane satrapi and the creators of sad girl , lisa simpson we love you , lisa . and marge simpson . fan girl were wasting time . marjane , as the author of persepolis and someone who grew up in a repressive regime , what advice would you offer to young women . always remember nothing is more valuable than your own unique voice . also , when they promise you a tote bag for doing a panel , make sure its not just a reusable grocery bag . look at this . alison bechdel , recently , a lot of people have been talking about the bechdel test . exactly what kind of drinking game is that . actually , its just an observation i made about how movies and tv rarely show two women talking about something other than a man . thats so interesting . ill have to tell my husband about that . man bechdel test fail . bechdel , bechdel , fail . fail . fail . okay . we have five minutes before we have to clear the room for the white men in comics panel . i have a question for lisa . i have a question for lisa with a follow up for lisa . i want to talk about myself for a few minutes , then at the end , pretend it was all a question for lisa . does anyone have any questions for my mom . she does draw every panel . yeah , i have a question for marge . how lucky are you to work with lisa . audience lisa . lisa . lisa . man lisa win . marge fail . honey , i was thinking . what if we did a chapter from the moms point of view . i took a stab at writing it up . give it a read . in front of you . um , okay . mmm . what are you laughing at . you left out a word here , so it just says , i lonely . so should i start drawing it . well , theres a lot of great stuff here . really . because thats what i was going for . but im not sure this is a sad girl thing . maybe its a separate book and i could write the forward . oh , i get it . this isnt a real collaboration at all . you agree with those girl fanboys . you think its all about you . hey , you cant blame me if people want to focus on my contribution . i can and i do . i hate to say it , mom , but maybe we should take a break . good idea . hot sharpie . no . i mean , maybe we should take a real break . you mean . thats right . i want to see other illustrators . i dont even know how you could stupid lisa . say that . its my vision . shes acting like a real b . ladies , theres someone here to see you . my name is guthrie frenel , visionary theatrical director and impish genius . and i want to make sad girl into a smash broadway show . i think he came in through the window . oh , tubby , youre a delight . you want to make sad girl into a stage musical . if i may borrow a phrase from my father , woo hoo . this is all very exciting , but before we go any further and i ask this just for clarification whats your deal , weirdo . dad . guthrie frenel is a visionary director and an impish genius . he did a version of waiting for godot where godot appears in the first scene . what . and that was nothing compared to my vision for sad girl . i want to do something new and amazing , like my all dog version of cats . but i need something from you . anything . i need your passion . i need your joy . are we all together for this three person toboggan ride down mount collabor manjaro . well , lisa and i did just have a little spat . yeah , but conflict is part of the creative process , right . not in my experience . so are you in . yes . absolutely . oh , this is gonna take hours . bart , theres one thing i know about broadway shows , they always make money . so im already looking forward to quitting my job . can i quit school . id be a pretty lousy dad if i said no . its our duty as artists to rip up the contract between audience and performers . cell phones will be turned on . candy will be unwrapped during the show . well hire performance artists to make the line for the ladies room extra long . um , how closely are we gonna stick to the story from my graphic novel . oh , yes , story . all the gimmicky stagecraft in the world aint worth a tinkers damn without a compelling human story at the center . your story , the unique expression of your heart and soul mm hmm . will be neatly summed up in the narrators first speech . huh . once thats out of the way , we can explore the dazzling visual buffet of marge simpson . now feast . pass the wonderment , please , but save room for the tonys . oh , my god . its just how i drew it . its your artistic vision writ large . or should i say , writ marge . you should . he really shouldnt . marge its all in my style . mom , hes ignoring my story and making this all about your drawings . i know . im sorry , lisa . but i cant help it if he wants to focus on the visual part of oh , my god . its bart and grampa . but they arent even in my book . and where am i . where is sad girl . sad girl will be represented by a voiceless red light projected into an empty seat in the balcony . bold , no . but how will they know its supposed to be me . storytelling . lisa ugh . that impish genius is really cheesing me off . all hes kept from sad girl is moms drawings , when its supposed to be about my writing and my feelings . oh , im so sick of childrens feelings . feed me . burp me . dont sleep for six years . youre forgetting the boundary between patient and therapist . and youre forgetting that you did this to me . let me tell you something , lisa . when you give birth to something , you have no control over what it turns into . all you can do is surrender to the nightmare . sorry . im just so happy . never do this . marge here they are . the official sad girl the theater experience t shirts . in the lobby , of which we keep .  . oh , baby , we can use that money to buy a sailboat with a double ended spinnaker pole . oh , ho ho . looks good . i like it . i like everything . really . you seemed a little cheesed off earlier . a mother notices . mom , sad girl was like our baby . and you cant control what your kid turns into . if it becomes a successful show , thatll be good for our family . now if youll excuse me , im gonna go sit on a swing alone . oh , okay . hello , coast guard . get ready to search for my body in about a month . mm hmm . uh huh . oh . so youre okay with this . sure . its an honor to have something based on your life . even if its nothing like your life at all . sad girl what the hell does any of this mean . what . you dont get this . its so stimulating and i love it . what is that .  . doh . uh , guthrie , is it possible we strayed a skoosh too far from what lisas book is about . marge , this isnt youre a good man , charlie brown . or even my production of youre a good man , charlie brown , set in a doomed soviet submarine . this is avant garde theater , and it is electric . okay , i guess . oh , lisa . im so sorry . hmm . there , honey . now youre back in our show . what the . thats not one of my brain babies . ah . ow . ah . which one of us is me . run for your cultural lives . im haunted my visions of milhouse . ah . and now to read the reviews . greatest i like where this is going . disaster in theater history . oh , those sons of bs . honey , im sorry i let guthrie make the play all about my drawings , and also terrible . and im sorry i wasnt more open to your creative input . i blame both of you for this disaster . more wine . ive got another project for us to collaborate on . getting your dad in a cab . hello , coast guard . im gonna live . well , i still think its good . springfieldspringfield . co . ukviewepisodescripts . php . tv showthe . springfield . homer . hey . homer . huh . what . ill be right home . you are home . homer . homer , wake up , please . i cant sleep . im having friends over tomorrow . luann van houten . back stabber . bernice hibbert . snob . and helen lovejoy . okay , shes pretty hot . i mean , hot for a reverends wife , but so judgmental . i was going to ask you if you could watch maggie . oh , yeah , of course . what do you suspect . isnt this great . daddy baby alone time . wheres daddy . peek a . wheres daddy . peek a . wheres daddy . peek a . meh . wheres daddy . peek a . wheres daddy . peek a . oh , youre sick of it already . i was gonna do different people . peek a . im afraid , master wayne , its time for peek a . ah , come on . nothing . babies love michael caine . what to do . what to do . what to do . what to do . mags , ill level with you . i love you , kiddo , but we are in two completely different worlds . more lemonade , ladies . no , thank you . ive had better lemonade at ralph wiggums stand . and he stirs it with his finger . so weve been asked to redecorate the school room where the kids wait when their ride is late . i have some ideas . marge , you have many wonderful talents , but your sense of style is , uh one of them . im afraid not . purple and orange cupboards , oh , corncob curtains , rabbit ears on the tv . its like were visiting the flintstones . well , since you dont like my style , maybe i should show you the door . you mean the brown door next to the hot pink walls . just like at the circus . well , an elephant does live here . an elephant . youre calling my husband an elephant . homer marge , we got any more peanuts . oh , homer . hmm . no . what the . is it that bird . marge . are you making tea . marge yes . whew . marge iced tea . what the hell . radio announcer this is whis . whistling at you all day and night . whis , the whistle . ah . whistling format radio . huh . where is that whistling coming from . maggie . it is you . its so odd im a terrible whistler . always have been . there must be a reason you were given this gift . its to make people think i can whistle . audience homer . homer . homer . and now i will perform flight of the bumblebee . who was that president . he looked pretty generic . i do too have taste . im afraid not . corncob curtains . mom , whats wrong . why arent you answering me . im right here . honey , im just feeling sorry for myself , but ill show them . ill make a late pickup room like that school has never seen . thatll be easy , theres never been one . well , what do you think of my late pickup room . its wonderful . hard to believe its the same room they found all those dead rats in . well , maybe you can fool the hibberts , but to me , this is the work of a genius . salud . well , gee . guess who got a job today . you . nope . the guy who went in after me . i i totally set him up . listen , i recently purchased the old post office to renovate . would you like to be my interior decorator . well , ladies . looks like someone appreciates me the one man in town who trims his nails . is one of them giving you trouble . theres no room in the trunk , boss . bodies . no . bottled water and toilet paper , remember . we made that costco run . now do it backwards . now sideways . hey , come on . shes just a baby . who is . uh , my talent . makes sense . well , . seems like my no talent son can suddenly whistle . tell me , homer , howd you trill that high c with your lips in second position . oh , its amazing . shes got my whistling gene , all right . which , unfortunately , skips a generation . i hope it works out better for you than it did for me . i was booked on the top whistling show on radio , your blow of blows , with sid wheezer . good evening , folks . sid wheezer here , sipping a delicious buzz cola . ah , refreshing . keep polio at bay , the buzz cola way . oh , thanks a lot . our next act is a swell kid from right here in springfield . his hobby is straightening elbow macaroni . lets here it for little abraham simpson . grampa then i got cocky . tried a little stunt called the triple windy . grampa blew out the ligaments in my lips . had to hire guys to kiss my girlfriend . it was a good deal . id pay for five minutes , but it would go on for hours . when the time was right , id make my move . but this little magpie , shes got my gift . and now shes going into showbiz . couldnt showbiz screw her up . you know , like it did ron howard . he hasnt won an oscar since . oh , please , son , do this for me . dad , you should not live your life through your granddaughter . you poor guy . shell do it . okay , maggie . time to learn a happy tune from these imprisoned birds . man , maggies talented , lisas talented . what am i good at . the birds love ya . well , yeah , but they also love grampa . go ahead , but my bloods turned to bile from watching fox news . this is my new property , the original springfield post office , jewel of the implosion district . youll get used to that . well definitely want to try to keep the original facade . yes , indeed . im all about keeping up facades . is it okay if i take some foundation measurements . of course . in case she sees something she shouldnt , have a hood ready . idiota . you whack who you shouldnt , and you dont whack who you should . is this about your brother again . youre gonna love this baby . she whistles . this i gotta hear not because i am looking forward to it , but because it is my job . fantastic talent . now , move along i have a heart attack at . and here it comes . oh . oy vey . you sit on it , you bought it . due . can you picture this water feature at the back wall of the foyer . my sainted mother shared your gift . where others saw only an empty chianti bottle , she saw a candle holder . we would have to rip out some walls . done . you wont be seeing those walls no more . why do these guys come with us for everything . have you noticed how we are not dead . that is mostly due to them . give the wall job to the palermo brothers . tell them to make it look like an accident . well make that wall dig its own grave . whats that whistling . you know what they say in a marriage , dont ask a question you dont know the answer to . thats what they say to defense attorneys . marge , how would you feel if i kept a big secret from you . how would you feel if i kept a big secret from you . good night . good night . maggie , you can whistle . youre gifted , too . maybe more gifted . no , i will not get caught in that trap that only one of us is good . we could both be good , like the south park guys . except trey does everything . trey does everything . diva . this little piggy went to broadway . this little piggy worked with stallone . this little piggy got a showtime special . im a great father . announcer tonight on hollywood nightmares , what .  . child stars , prison bars . oh . at three months old , skyler green could already patty cake . by age one , she was the opening act for frank sinatra jr . jr . iii . but after a disastrous super bowl halftime show that left jacksonvilles everbank field in ruins , skylers life would spin out of control . she began a downward spiral , woke up too many mornings with stuffed animals whose names she didnt know , and she was arrested twice for former cuteness , under the scott baio law . patty cake, , bakers man , bake me a train wreck just as fast as you can . oh , my god . am i doing this for you , or because it makes me feel good . a showbiz kiss . theres nothing more sincere than that . well do it . marge , i love what youve done here . its as much mwah . as it is ey . whoa . it certainly was a challenge so many bedrooms . you must be expecting a lot of sleepover guests . is she , er , uh , one of the , uh . no , . shes the decorator . but i can get one like her . add it to my customer profile . er , uh , yes . dim lighting , honky tonk piano anthony damico , what is the repute of this house . ill . our top story you didnt see me . this is john doe saying good night . why is everyone being so weird . did the principal call . cause hes got nothing to call about . i cant keep this mountain lion in my bedroom forever , bart . just four more days . so listen , uh , im gonna take maggie out for a walk . these spray on boas are such a time saver . homer oh , god , thats good . seems like everybodys got a secret but us , huh , guys . announcer tonight , see maggie simpson , the unborn comic , the umbilical chords and the pixie chicks . and now your host , sedgwick the personality . welcome to whatever this is . now , lets meet our judges . nba star and host of flip that igloo , muk mu . peace . former hot tots champion , baby dimples riskind . and robotic themed dj der zip zorp . you had lunch , didnt you . i gave you a a . m . curfew for a reason . shut up . wheres denial when you need it . maggie , this is no place for you . im taking you where you can be a kid again moes . oh , ive created a monster . ive placated a monster . oh marge simpson , are the rumors true . did you corncob a cathouse . its not that . i sure love that new whorehouse smell . marge , i never thought someone could sink this town lower , but you have . you lied to me . you may scare these guys , but to me , youre just a big fat liar . whoa . nobody calls fat tony fat . nobody . in the old country , only two were allowed to speak truth to the don his capo and his interior decorator . you are lucky . now , please leave . the launch party is tonight . the grey goose people are bringing a big ice thing . well , anthony , not knowing what i was designing for , theres something i didnt tell you . your mother had a post office box at this office . i dont know whether to believe you . oh , looks like a letter from the pope . you have surrounded a blessed letter to your mother with a bordello . thats it . shut it down . apologize to our dear friends at grey goose . so , what are you going to do with my work . a little italian lightning for insurance purposes . and that is the last question of yours we will ever answer . good bye, , mrs . simpson . cant you at least wait until im out of the building . im sorry , i get nervous , i do dumb things . maybe its because im wearing a wire . uh oh . now , put your hands together for the one whos going to win . whoops . thats supposed to be a secret . nothing i can do in one moment , maggie will stop being my little baby and belong to the world . i remember her when she was just a bit of bad news . time for the greatest glory there is reflected . audience aw oh , come on , im cheating on my wife to see this . look . shes got a tooth coming in . thats the kiss of death for a whistler . give me a string and a doorknob . that baby is naught but an overly dramatic , boring windbag . a windbag that yields no succor . in sum , a nothing . what . theyre booing my maggie . this is the sweetest little girl in the world . nice try , but no hook can fit me . this little angel never makes a fuss . she always shares her baby food , and she makes even a despicable show like this seem sweet . hey , pal , this is a talent show for babies . we aint goin for sweet . the only thing thats been worth it about this experience is that i got to spend time with this little girl . and thats the tooth . homer good night , my little star . and if you have another amazing talent , for the love of god , dont tell anybody . nighty night . okay , so ill never enter maggie into another contest without telling you , and youll never design another sex palace for the mob . agreed . no more secrets from each other . no more secrets . are you letting out my pants . im afraid so . im not really a size . springfieldspringfield . co . ukviewepisodescripts . php . tv showthe . springfield . what if they take me . dont worry , barterfinger . youre always the last . even boxes of stale raisins go before you , butterfinger i mean , barterfinger . no one ever wants the apple . they must be afraid theres a razor blade in me . yeah . thats the reason . maybe youll be dipped in caramel . oh , whoop dee . what the where am i going . youre going to heaven , dad . grampa those pearly gates look a lot like teeth . change is always hard . well , i guess that cigarette breath . oh , thank god . we made it through the night . and now youre on a high shelf , where theyll forget about you forever . why wont the earth take me . i hear you , my friend . mmm , candy . homer , no . dont be silly , honey . chocolate doesnt feel anything . no . god , no . dad . i cant listen to this horror . okay , im on it . thank you . its here . maggies first pazuzu . your father ordered this because mm , why did you order this . i thought it was pizza . yeah , ill send it back tomorrow . tonight we have a cocktail party . and we came early . and i left my face on your hand towel . hmm . dont worry , maggie . while mommy and daddy carouse downstairs , youll be here in the dark with pazuzu . when pazuzus eyes are glaring its time to go to bed youll see demon shadows fighting but its just inside your head when pazuzus eyes are staring the moonlight will turn red cause pazuzus in your nightmares until we all are dead . sweet dreams , maggie . dont let the beelzebubs bite . nobodys eating my chowder . maybe i can take it back home with me . maggie , sweetie , you should be in bed . no one leaves alive . oh , her first words . did someone get that on their phone . lenny aw , shes got red eye . shes a demon from hell . also , generic cola . really . cocktail fail . thank you . well , at least we still got the liquor . ah , my chowder . someones starting the terrible twos . someones having an affair with his nurse . say ah . a dulterer .  . i im afraid that little devil needs an exorcism . im afraid they didnt teach me those at pepperdine . bible ribbons , thatll hold her . oh , good , the police are here . when is that exorcist gonna get here . marge , well be fine . maggie just learned what a circle is . homer okay , whoever she stops at has to change her diaper , which appears to contain flaming lava . marge oh , you just never want to change a diaper . ill handle this . oops . sorry about that . first thing , well see just how powerful our demon here truly is . the chicken goes well , theres only one answer here , cut her loose . are you sure . if you cant trust a catholic priest with a child , who can you trust . by the power of christ , i say devil be out . thats all youve got . well , i say it three times . this guys good . devil be out . i am pazuzu , demon of the southwest wind . wait , so youre not even as powerful as the south wind or the west wind . how lame is that . i used to be very important . google it . devil be out . google it . your baby is saved . fantastic . shes not going to be a religious weirdo , is she . no . fantastic . now hush . pazuzu is still among us . but where . ah , . bart . let me out , let me out . this boy has the darkest soul ive ever seen . its worse than working for david schwimmer . yo , pazuzu , grow me some horns . those arent horns , those are nubs . no , . well , at least itll get me out of jury duty . lisa , wants a better life lisa , go under the knife homer , got a button wife . so , anyone want to pick up litter at the park today . how about you , maggie . shes still got a touch of pazuzu . at least she never threw up . thats just great . everywhere but the sink . sometimes i think i was born in the wrong family . oh . hey , mr . cat . what are you playing with . a secret door . we dont have smoke alarms , but we have this . homer smoke is its own alarm . no , snowball , come back . its too dangerous . sometimes tiny doors lead to big opportunities . you could talk . indeed . for centuries , the cat has been the symbol of intelligence , the other world savoir faire oh , shiny . oh , there it is . whered it go . there it is . whered it go . there it is . whered it go . enough . lets go meet your other family . other family . already the talking cat isnt the most interesting thing . whoa . for a halloween show middle segment , this is amazing . every girls dream , a perfect family . good morning , sleepyhead . for breakfast , tofu or kale . oh , thats nice . but whats with the button eyes . we dont all have button eyes , silly . some have button mouths . whats up .  . lisa , would you like to jam with us . you like jazz . youre all good , but not better than me . i wish i could stay forever . oh , but you can . all right . let me guess . do you have to sew buttons over my eyes . dont worry , sugar plum , well give you a button to bite on while we sew em on . hold steady . oh , sweetie , youre just in time . i killed a snake with your saxophone and can you blow its head out . here , let me just wipe the blood off the mouthpiece . buttons , please . hmm , somethings missing . didnt we have a kid between bart and the baby . little smarty pants , plays the flute , i think . lisa . shes been gone for days . and the police have been no help . thats not true . i helped you reassemble that high chair . damn it . well , we got two kids now , so no favoritism . maggie will get lisas room , maggie will get lisas clothes , bart will get lisas homework . cowabunga . bart . howd you find me . i had an informant . i know , he can talk . he can . i just followed him in . oh , god . now ill have to talk to him . uh , i dont think hes coming back . how can you be so calm . i bore both those children . hey , your stories arent great , but i wouldnt call them boring . oh . im going in there now . you really did it this time , homer . you lost your family . wait , you can speak on this side . yes , i just dont like to . makes the dog feel inferior . all right . oh . so tight . why did i eat that second lunch at lunch . someone kick me in the ass . thank you . what is it about this world thats so great . the homer in this world doesnt pass gas . that was a three button job . would you like to have two eyes . we can talk to each other while you watch tv . just what homer needs , an excuse to get lazier . why , you little ill lazy you , otherworldly what the that was my bart . boy , sure is hard to see with buttons on your eyes . doh . you killed my husband . homer spider wife , dead son , two girls with button eyes . i think this marriage has finally gotten out of its rut . yep , i got everything just the way i want it , including an extra me to go to parent teacher conferences . oh . bart drew this picture of his family . now were getting visits from a social worker and an exterminator . ill be ready . and ive learned , no matter how bad things are , they can get much , worse . huh , youre telling me . haw . no one will be seated during the third act of this halloween show . what youre about to see is so disgusting youll watch game of thrones to calm down . you have been warned . man , am i jealous of you guys . two weeks in lima , ohio , with patty and selma while im stuck here working . its gonna be lonely . so lonely . well , if you really want us to stay weve already kissed good bye and the car heard it . theyre gone . not a second to waste . left alone again yes , im eating provolone again food just tastes better in the bathroom now and then i just love being left alone again left alone for days i ate two dozen bags of frito lays im gonna brush my teeth with mayonnaise now my sweat tastes just like doughnut glaze . not a single morsel in the house . a forgotten hot dog . oh , youre shivering . ill take care of that . happy birthday to meat i cant wait to eat . now to slit it down the middle . im not splitting it with you . im just teaching you how its done . still frozen . my finger . my hot dog . my finger . my poor delicious finger . wait a minute . i cant eat my own finger . its unholy . also , its not quite done . but sometimes a man has to do the unthinkable , like eat something medium rare . oh . hey , you ate you tasted great , you hey , you ate you , hey , you ate you cooked and ate you . hmm . hmm . mmm mmm . it makes complete sense . i eat more and exercise less than the most succulent pig . of course im delicious . but i must never eat me again . never . on the other hand is my other finger . and one thing i love is consistency . hey , there , homer aloner . in the absence of the missus , you want something delicious . dont worry , ill be back . oh . oh , yuck . oh , disgusting . homer simpson , you dont like steak anymore . actually , ive become a bit of a me gan . do you have any spaghetti with my balls . uh , meatballs . me gan . my balls . are you eating forbidden fruit . fruit . ugh . sorry , flanders , but ive got more delicious meat in my little finger than you have on this whole picnic table . speaking of which whoo . i have really gone to a lot of trouble not to leave the house . marge homie , were home . whats with the gloves . uh , i was watching breakfast at tiffanys , and i thought i could be more elegant . elegant . with your waistline . i dont think so . actually , homer , you look like youve lost pounds . well , i have been cutting back . that means something different to me than you . whats wrong with your leg . nothing . it was perfect . homie , you shouldnt be snacking in the middle of the night . it cant be good for your this is , without question , the worst moment of our entire marriage . what about this is worse . opa . homer marge , i admit it , this is a rough patch . but i know when to stop . and when would that be . when youre just a mouth . you see how she is , doc . always negative . she makes me feel like nothing . you are almost nothing . almost nothing . homer , have you considered your wifes feelings . perhaps she takes this new diet of yours as a comment on her cooking . marge . i wont deny thats a part of it . see . progress . now , excuse me . i need to go get famous talking about you . homie , im afraid this is it . your self destructive behavior has gone too far . but , marge good bye, , my love . maybe , deep down , thats why i ate myself because i hate myself . man sounds like someone had a breakthrough . hi . im famous cooker upper mario batali . you mean chef . i dont care for that term . well , i know i dont belong in therapy , but why are you . i got depressed because i ran out of exciting new ingredients . homer , we need to talk . could we wok and talk . well , sure . homer my dearest family , i love you so much . and i think ive found a way to earn your forgiveness . please come home . come home to flavor . he wanted me to pass on these final words . ive failed as a man , but i have succeeded as an ingredient . i call the brain . ah . hes gone . well , i guess i can be proud that he succeeded at something . oh , its a lot more than something . homers the biggest thing in food since free refills . hey , you ate you tasted great , you hey , you ate you , hey , you ate you cooked and ate you . how did they get so much meat out of homer . well , they mixed in some barney , comic book guy and horse . horse .  . do you know what its like to have everyone eat of your body . yeah , like , every sunday , pal . uh , you know , you dont get more of those . springfieldspringfield . co . ukviewepisodescripts . php . tv showthe . springfield . doh . great birthday trip . one more thing to remind me of my insignificance . two adults , one student , one boy who just phones it in , and a senior citizen veteran on his birthday . oh , and id like to apply my astronaut discount . ill need to see your diaper . typical cheapskate homer . taking all the fun out of turning . get this stupid party hat off me . what the . oh , ill fix it . woo hoo .  . homer , thats your weight on the moon . pluto i used to be a planet . then one day they called and said it was over . its over when i say its over . so sad . but ill be back . im working on some stuff . lets just say you might not be seeing halleys comet no more . losers . narrator forged in a nanosecond in the big bang , our universe is so enormous , every nfl stadium could fit inside it . and their parking lots . whens this show gonna start . it has started . how can it have started if im talking . wouldnt that bother everyone . quiet . i cant hear the big bang . narrator approximately . billion years ago billion . the universe consisted of a tiny singularity of enormous mass , which suddenly burst forth in the greatest explosion ever . fire in the theater . no . your pupils arent ready for earth light . damn it , i was developing film . turn it up . i cant hear it . louder . keep it down . mm , happy birthday . i never want to hear that again . happy birthday to you happy birthday to you . say my name , you cowards . make a wish , party popper . okay , i will . that was a coincidence . i got you the one birthday present you can really use . a call girl that kills me after . a hearing aid . a hearing aid . forget it . people will think im old , dadgummit . you are old . youve lived long enough to see your prejudiced attitudes come back into fashion . lousy greeks . thank you . bart . bart . wake up . yo . whats up . listen . the planetarium said the universe is . billion years old . but i turned in a paper where i said million . what do you want from me . i was just wondering if you were planning on breaking into the school anytime soon . you know , like , maybe tonight . nope . not till next month . please . ill do your homework . sounds like you cant even do your own homework . ouch . yeah , you think about that while im breaking you into the school . hmm . marge whos breaking into the school . barts just talking in his sleep . marge i believe that . trust you . good night . how did you know this door was broken . eh , willie keeps me posted . i keep him in licorice . willies riding the red pony tonight . look whos got pumpkin stickers . bart , those are for halloween . also thanksgiving if theres some left over . whoa . where has this been all my life . come on , lets go . okay . you fixed your stupid paper , and i scored the teachers nicotine gum . she does that so she doesnt smell like cigarettes , you know . yeah , and she should also get some booze gum . whats that . maybe its the ghost of that boy who had to climb that rope in gym until his heart exploded . youre making that up . am i that creative . no . oh , god . principal skinner . are you living in the school . absolutely not . and you have no proof . seymour , why are you living here . you have a house . with pizzas on the way . pizzas . i can finally send mama back to italy . mwah . its not my house , its mothers . but after what i just found out she did , i can never go back . they say its better to talk about it , but i never will . okay . we understand . seriously , dont ask what it was . are you asking . i was stretching . then whyd you only stretch one arm . its the only arm that needed stretching . fine , ill tell you what it was . you dont have to . really , its okay . we believe you . ever since i was a kid , i i wanted to be a drummer . in a rock band . no . marching . i wouldve given all i had to be the dot on that i . its also called a tittle . dont you think i know that . i did everything i could to make that band . in my application , i sent songs and choreographies . im a shoo in . then the fateful day came . son , you got a letter from ohio state university . im too nervous to get up . do you want me to read it to you . yes . im sorry . you were rejected . uh , seems kind of thick . well , they gave you a lot of reasons why you werent good enough . thats so sad . theres more i have to tell you . i was going to surprise mother by papering her drawers , then i found this . i was accepted . she lied . thats so sad . what makes this really tragic is there was also a personal handwritten letter from the director of admissions . dear seymour , i truly hope youll accept a full scholarship to come to ohio state . we want to make use of your brillant formations immediately whats that smell . im making spaghetti and kick balls . and in a fantastic coincidence , our current marching band director is due to retire in four years and i cant of a better replacement . youll live a life at the pinnacle of columbus society and be buried at the fifty yard line where you will witness coin tosses for all eternity . does it get worse than that . how could it be worse than that . may i see the letter . i must say your sympathy is a pleasant surprise . no , this is just the only college acceptance letter ill ever hold . mm . so its for all these reasons that i will not be seeking a seat in the u . s . senate . i will now take a few questions . let me tell you the wonderful present i just got . dad . what a surprise . whats he doing here . didnt we just see him yesterday . grampa thats what theyre saying under their breath . how awful . i want to hear all of it . maybe if we pretend were tired , hell go home . thank god he cant hear us . and im glad these fake yawns are something we can do as a family . what .  . you , too .  . good bye . dad , wait . whats wrong with the old coot . i mean , whats wrong with you , sweet old coot . i got a hearing aid , and i heard everything you said . we didnt mean the mean things we meant . we just said them because we meant them . i am gone forever . a little mall walk will cheer me up . uh oh, , old guy . dont make eye contact . rubbing them is like working dry lasagna . old guy . here he comes . hell want to try all my lotion samples . ill have to explain what send is on a cell phone . come in . come in . well , thats more like it . i had to cheat . i was doing it for the bell curve . and with of the vote in , the next president is lisa simps wait a minute . im being told she cheated on a paper in second grade . she is disqualified , making our next president kenny hitler . no . hey , welcome to bob hopes uso show , or as i like to call it , christmas away from dolores . oh , that couldve been me on those drums . i wouldve gotten to rehearse at his house in toluca lake . toluca lake . whatll it be . can an old vet have a beer and tell you his troubles . sure . and thats how i opened the orange . so , uh , my mother didnt tell me i got in . thats all right . you can enroll now . can i . no . this is a school , not an s comedy . that , uh , letter you sent me is that something you send every student . no , i only sent that once , to you . when you didnt show up , that was the second worst day of my career . what was the worst . the day the big ten expanded to schools . what are we , morons . we didnt even notice till northwestern pointed it out . oh , im sorry , should i not have told you about the letter . uh , no . its actually good , because im no longer sad . im angry . its time for a furious self guided tour of this campus . ive never seen someone walk the oval so many times . hes got to be dizzy . i switch directions every other lap . oh , uh , michigan sucks . what . thats how we say excuse me around here . choir loser , missed opportunity all over now you poor bastard . et tu , brutus . hey . okay , mother , its time for an unpleasant confrontation . class , im going to hand back your astronomy papers . lisa keep calm . keep calm . no one knows you did anything wrong . lisa simpson , come to my desk . miss hoover , i have to confess . i changed my paper . it said million , but i knew it was billion . oh , please . maybe i can start a new life in the other second grade class . i know you changed your paper . i dont care about your grade . where the hell is my nicotine gum . my brother had it , and he was hanging around the class pet . ill get you some more gum . you do that . can i help you . what are you doing here . your mother rented me your room . you rented my room to the town drunk . i am also the state drunk . what do you want . you know . yes . yes , i do . oh , son , forgive me . im so sorry . i just couldnt bear to lose you like id lost everything else . oh , i wouldve arranged for you to live near me in the dorm . oh , i cant live in a college town . cant control myself sexually . what you did to me was the worst thing anyone could do to anyone , much less a mother to her son . i really dont know what you could say . son , i guess when you get right down to it , ive always felt marching bands are a colossal waste of time . the music and the walking both suffer . you may have a point . and youll always be my little tittle . is that a tear . maybe . please , i beg you . will you move back in . there are gonna have to be some changes . what kind of changes . well , i want the parental controls taken off the tv . youll just watch booby programs . if im in the booby mood , yes , i will . welcome back , son . looks like i got a little brother . hes not staying , is he . you boys work it out . we sure will , ma . you still havent found grampa . no . but i found this guy whos willing to take his place . i am grandpapa . gather the grandchildren that we might play the hungry hippos . i dont think anyone can replace our grampa . are you sure . your husband she looked through hundreds of grandpapas . this was my third callback . make a choice . yello . is this the no good ungrateful son of abraham simpson . speaking . im gonna send him back to you , and i dont want to see him here again . this place is really depressing . and he does not help . theres a pathetic old drunk peeing himself in the bathroom . thats a mirror . and its not the bathroom . bart when is grampa gonna get here . grampa i knew it . still bad mouthing me behind my back . lisa i cant believe it , but i miss him so much . bart i love him , too . i just cant say it to his beautiful shriveled turnip head . aw . i love how he knows what every building used to be . and maggie says u . r . a . d . light . come get your grampa , you sweet slices of melon . aw . aw , we love you . woo hoo . doh . what are you watching . its a booby movie , isnt it . its emmy winning premium cable . do they show boobs . not since they started winning emmys . very disappointing . well , i guess ill watch with you . whats that thing . its a raven from the lannisters maester . whats a lannister . whats a maester . house lannister is the wealthiest is that a dragon . yes . this is stupid . he walks down the street he falls in a hole , man everyone knows hans moleman . who . nobody knows hans moleman . next . i was here first . in the checkout line he doesnt even scan nobody knows hans moleman . i just need my heart pills . nobody knows hans moleman . springfieldspringfield . co . ukviewepisodescripts . php . tv showthe . springfield . this is kent brockman on location among the good people of springfield . man coward . because today , we celebrate beautiful skyline park , a reclamation project built atop the ruins of the springfield monorail . crowd monorail . monorail . monorail . monorail . no , theyre not building a new monorail . why not . this one couldnt fail . couldnt fail . couldnt fail . its a monstrous creation of mass transportation . ralph throw me again . no , were repurposing the old monorail track into a completely new and original feature we ripped off from new york the springfield skypark line . i love this space . planters , benches , solar powered talking trash cans . automated voice thank you for the used porn . huh . uh , okay , uh , do we go , uh , gut to gut or , uh , butt butt to nut . dont worry , well use the bypass board . okay , fatsos , suck it in . oh . whoa . oh . i got homers sandwich . i got wiggums gun . and now , to culminate todays events , lets turn on the electricity that illuminates the tiny no smoking signs . huh . somehow the track is getting juice . yes . now to put it on power save . the monorail its alive . i warned you not to ha ha . automated voice welcome , senior citizen . no more nimoy . on the positive side , with this disaster , we have surpassed detroit and kabul as the worlds most unlucky city . er , ah , er . couldnt you have at least put little wedges under the wheels . er , uh , sorry , sweetheart , but running a city is a little more complicated than getting your nails done . dont you worry your pretty little head about it . mr . mayor , that is so sexist . uh oh, , sounds like someones girdle is pinching . well , now , its all in fun . no one respects you ladies more than i . now if you wouldnt mind serving the coffee and cake , we men can get down to business . this is the last time im doing this . so i better do it perfectly . here you go , dr . hibbert . i cant believe mayor quimby talking down to me like that . and by the way , women dont wear girdles anymore . we wear spanx and other shapewear . tell me about it . people think weve moved on , but this world is as sexist as ever . thanks , obama . whats so great about quimby anyway . i could cut a ribbon . and i could make it curl nicely using the edge of the giant scissors . youd be a great mayor , mom . youre organized , you manage the budget , and thanks to dad , youre an expert on the court system . fun fact being a defendant gets you out of jury duty . mom , this is our time . wonder woman showed that if youre a goddess with superpowers , theres no limit to what you can do . you could be mayor . whoa , . a woman prime minister , okay . women ghostbusters , cool . woman head of the federal reserve , as far as im concerned , whats that . but a woman mayor . if mom becomes mayor , we can get away with anything . help me , jesus . pick a side . hey . whered everybody go . julio marge , this town is ready for a change . quimby has been mayor , like , forever . youd think he could lose that sash . its like , we know , okay . all right now , listen . the key to victory is micro targeting . micro targeting . think of the voters as a pie . yes , homer , someone here said pie . i know , mmm , pie . im sorry , go on . uh , we use data analysis to divide the pie into tiny little slivers and tailor a message to each micro group . you just tell them what they want to hear until you get . then you can govern like a far right nut job . marge im marge simpson and wont you vote for me . whatever your obsession is my priority . i stand with you against revenuers . oh , uh , durn revenuers . well , yous the new john galt , arent you . hey , can you take a picture with our ayn rand scarecrow . chorus from widows to your lunch pail joes to vets of foreign wars theres no single issue voter my campaign will ignore . marge , we really appreciate this . youre the first politician thats ever met with us weirdos . whats the biggest issue you exotic pet owners face . keeping our pets from eating each other . yes . as the owner of an impala , i hey , whered it go . oh , boy . from soccer moms to mafia dons ill give you what you need marge and chorus im marge simpson and wont you vote for me . yeah . why do people assume all i can do is feed spaghetti to dogs that want to make out . what do you want to do . carve a little wooden boy and make him come to life . oh . now , for our third and fourth party candidates , i regret to say you are just shy of the polling results required , so youre excluded from the debate . bye bye . mrs . simpson , youve targeted small constituencies . do you have any proposals that would appeal to every springfielder . well , kent , i am a mom . and as a mom , i want to help this town eat its vegetables . vegetables , marge . as moderator , its my duty to fact check that many of them are yucky . its a metaphor . stinkin metaphors . i only trust similes . i enjoy metaphors . theyre raindrops on the flower that is the ear . you put in a like or an as , or so help me you are going down . helen shes completely cooked . unlike the chicken she brought to the potluck . lovejoy oh , helen is as bitter as the lemonade she brought to the potluck . what a terrible potluck that was . sideshow mel why wasnt this a town hall event . i like to see them balance on the stools . you know , my entire life , that stupid tire fire has been burning . and its ruined our town . i promise , if you elect me , ill put that fire out . no tire fire . oh , just like zurich . mm . mm . frink mm hmm . is that enough . and with the last senior citizen gently reminded that they cannot vote at ihop , the results are now final . history is made . marge simpson is our new mayor . the first woman and the second to pee sitting down . crowd marge . marge . marge . thank you . homie , you want to make out with the mayor . what . no . ew . oh , you mean you . okay . now i really wish id voted . whee . whee . look at me . im a public servant . woo hoo . kent and so our new mayor is doing what was unthinkable in the quimby regime something . roll the dozers . well , sorry , but i i cant let you put me out of business . youd ruin the air for the whole town just to sell knickknacks . knickknacks . they they may be to you , but , uh , they put my son through med school . he named , um , uh , a a stammer after me . you know . i failed . i failed on my one promise . oh . and so , marge simpson is already a failure . the fastest fall from grace since mamie eisenhower destroyed a piano store on inauguration day . hey , mom , want to get some lunch . id love a lunch break , but ive got to get that tire fire out first . already neglecting your family , madam mayor . why you little . dont embarrass your mother . guys , stop . im the mayor . everything you do reflects on me . of course , honey . its just hard to restrain yourself when youre above the law . were not above the law . oh , yeah , i get it . hmm . i want you to promise me . can you both behave like lisa , just for a little bit . both im lisa . im lisa . i like music . my boyfriend is broccoli . hey . were here to buy your stand . yeah , well , its not for sale . all i want to do is help this city , and i cant because of this ding dong . how dare you insult me like that . i was there . what . what , . clydes a vietnam vet , a survivor of the battle of dhing dhong . thank you . than kyu was his best friend . stepped on a land mine in the battle of one pun too many . this is not good , marge . not good . oh . marges beehive of activity has become a hornets nest of trouble . also , our news broadcasts have been reduced to two sentences . good night . theres only one way out . youre gonna have to do a live , completely unscripted heart to with the voters . heres your script . i dont want a script . are you nuts . good evening . im here to talk to you , one on , just an ordinary mom sitting in her kitchen . this is a disaster . ive seen counterclockwise knob turning before , but not like this . marge , what time is dinner ready . im in the middle of a speech . so , . youll get it when you get it . wait a minute . somethings turning them around . marge , can you cook a hot pocket in the dryer . homer simpson , the only time you shut your mouth is to keep food inside . thats it . shes turned a gaffe making tubby into a laugh yielding hubby . does that work . frink lets see , the subter hand is all right . the math checks out . ill be the kellyanne conway of this thing . kellyanne conway . i like how she always looks like she just woke up . i think its inspiring how now a woman can be joseph goebbels . marge , do we have any bread . check your chest . woo hoo . oh , my god . those are the highest approval ratings ive ever seen for an incumbent . marge , your numbers are simply fantastic . and all you had to do was throw your husband under the bus . well , dont tell me youre sad about throwing your husband under the bus . im happy if he can fit under a bus . zing . yeah . zing . mr . simpson , were naming a sandwich after you . my lifelong dream has come true . ive got this all planned . start with a full reuben with all the fixins . put a club sandwich on top . the bottom bun is , at first glance , a chicken fried steak . but its worth a closer look , because sir , . weve already made it . the open mouthed turkey goofball . that is so not me . but ill take six . were honored to have with us the mayor and first doofus homer simpson . homers made marge happy more times than he can count three . and were here for a very , serious charity save the whales . all right , thats it . no . thats really why were here . i am not a whale . i am a man with blubber and several harpoon scars . what a day for this town . weve made a deal with the librarians union . shh . homer wouldve been here , but he backed out when he heard the library didnt have any pop up books . great news , marge . youve tapped into something women and men can agree on husbands are idiots . yeah , i guess . while youre guessing , im running with this . take a look at the balloon weve made for the thanksgiving parade . i dont care what people say . my homie makes one sexy blimp . i need to talk to somebody . mayor quimby . no , just ordinary diamond joe . uh oh, , i know that look . thats a mayor on the ropes or a wife who wants a divorce . im familiar with both . er , uh , indeed . joe , is it possible to have a decent family life and be a good political leader . marge , i dont want to talk about that anymore , but ill tell you this retirement agrees with me . the first night out of office , i noticed a gorgeous woman lying next to me , and i said , holy crap , im married to her . go long , boys . both er , ah , er , ah , er , ah , er marge , theres no mayor in marriage . there almost is . its really close . but im afraid not . meet you in the boathouse later . oh , marge , i want to thank you for giving me back my joseph . will you stay . i just made a giant pitcher of gimlets , but i can make a second one if youre staying . no , i have to get back . were christening a new manhole cover on th street . so sad . cant you stay for a bit . uh , we need some help serving coffee and cake . i swear this is the last time . theres more where that came from . thank you . i couldnt be here without my husband . hes a big supporter . so big so big , i wish all of you could know the love in his heart . everyone , look inside yourself and find your homer simpson . both mwah . its so beautiful . we make the magic happen , baby . can we just skip that one . i would , but you have to walk through it to get to the cafeteria . oh . okay . springfieldspringfield . co . ukviewepisodescripts . php . tv showthe . springfield . flanders okily dokily . aw , our own home . all right . takeout chinese . everyone can have their favorite thing . bart , general tsos chicken . for lisa , pacifist tsos tofu . for maggie , kung pao cheerios . and , homer , ive got your favorite . thats my favorite . msg . mmm . ah , needs salt . yello . ahoy hoy, , simpson . i have four seats to tonights basketball joust , and you were at the top of my list . so , what do you say . thank you , mr . burns . oh , boy , courtside seats . i feel like billy crystals doctor . who was it . youll never believe it . we just got homers brain homer , wait . you dont want to go with them . why not . theyre my family . sweetie , i know that youre talking to your brain . why dont you just do whatever your heart tells you . ugh , not that guy . im numb . chest pains . just go to the game with your friends . brain , youre the greatest . is there anything i can do for you . yeah , you could read a book once in a while . doh . carl , i got courtside seats . lenny , i got courtside seats . barney , i got courtside seats . im in . whos on trial . you guys got courtside seats . id love to go . just let me lock up the good liquor . uh , sorry , we only have four tickets . me , lenny , carl and barney . you really dont want me . i , uh , i thought we was friends . yeah , we did , too . then we realized you were serving us beer thats mostly suds . also , your chicken wings werent chicken . hey , meats meat . although none of it was meat . look , hey , where we going with this . youre not invited , moe . hey , wha . lenny not invited , not invited . barney whos on trial . wow . wow . i am truly alone in this world . robotic female voice no , youre not . uh , thanks , uh , anti suicide keychain . robotic female voice youre welcome . i care about you moe uh , moe szyslak . robotic female voice very much . uh , moe , about last night yeah , on the house , fellas . and i got new cocktail napkins that aint just unpaid parking tickets . see . yeah , huh . how about that . why you being so nice to us after we rejected you . well , maybe the problem wasnt youse , maybe it was mees . so , ise , uh , sprucing up the bar , trying to make things nice , you know , like they used to be . hey . its the pin pals , our old bowling team . those were great times . them were the best times . closer than brothers , we was , says i . then apu had his octopuses , and suddenly he didnt have time to bowl with his buddies five nights a week . but as i said , great times . guys , i think we should reform the pin pals , but this time with me , lenny , carl and moe . oh , guys , i would love to . but i cant bowl no more . i got beer pull tunnel syndrome . ow . another , please . ow . its a little short . i guess youll have to ask barney to bowl with yas . do they have beer . yes . to bowling . i get knocked down but i get up again youre never gonna keep me down moe , this is for you . ah . what do you say . coach . terrific . i love screaming at people who are trying their best . others to moe . what are you doing . dont drink that . youre in training . the boys are back in town boys are back in town a lot of music in this episode . the boys are back in town the boys are back in town boys are back in town the boys are back in town the boys are back the boys are back in town boys are back in town i said the boys are back in town the boys are back in town okay , sidekicks , back in our shadows . choir hallelujah . yay . yay . we made it , boys . going to the state finals in capital city . uh , sorry , thats where we store our extra balls . quick . rest his head . ow . ow . ow . ow . ow . ow . moe all right , the state finals . if we win this , the next tournament is on espn . all right , guys , dont be yokels . just act like you seen it all before . holy crap . uh , it says were on lane . wow . topiary lane numbers . ill bet theyre plastic . yep , they are , but dont tell management . so i guess were playing you guys , huh . best two out of three . im reynolds . were high frequency traders . i was the model for the wolf of wall street . i was the model for american psycho . i was a model for toe fungus in a dr . scholls commercial . and i was ill give you to stop talking . deal . hey , and heres a hundred for you for looking at me like i am the most amazing thing you ever saw . i think im giving you a look . well , heres and screw you . wow . i finally found my path in life socio . hey , harold , buddy . you know , i was wondering excuse me . why cheeseburgers . the cheese holds it together in flight . duh . i mean , why do you throw them at good people . question time is over . really hope that social worker pays better by the time you grow up . social worker . hey . this little dingus gets it . all right , little man . from now on , were gonna call you mcdingus . youre treating me like dirt . i belong . im wearing a new hat . im gonna show you that the one thing in the world that youre a little bit good at , im better . okey doke . damn it . all right , now , listen to me . these stuffed suits dont stand a chance against us working joes . because we got moxie . eh , no . uh , grit . nah , were pretty grit less . well , what have we got . my stepdad is lebanese . we are a damn rainbow . yay . yeah . we win . we win . the first out of three . huh . i havent been this confident since i saw la land win best picture and turned off my tv . good win , you guys . lunch is on us . wow . is that a visa double diamond card . yep . doesnt have to be inserted or swiped . it just knows . wow . it can sense that youre poor . once again they substitute rhino for narwhal . its like they think we wont notice . thanks for lunch . and now youll be eating crow for dessert . uh , side note i have actually eaten crow . it is not bad . tastes like seagull . chang stein, , i bet you that i can break down this loser right here in , oh , seconds . moe , i would like to ask you about your last birthday . w why . w what have you heard . did you have a party . no , sir . cake . no . ah , man , it looks like hes tearing moe a new one . well , most of his old ones are pretty bad , so that could be a good thing . so , did you leave your house . no . any phone calls . y yes . meant for you . no . i pretended to be someone who was interested in carpet cleaning . um , thats time , and he is definitely crying , so you win . bart , you dont want to be with these guys . theyre monsters . hey , their ks are monsters . do you even know what a k is . i assume its a gun . yeah , well , i may not have much , but i got some things that matter , huh . my bar , my friends , my good name . others hear . hear . all right , well , if you believe in your friends so much , how about we make a little wager on the match . uh , oh , can i bet on youse to win . no . careful , moe . i got a bad feeling about this . just leave us be , huh . all right , how about this . if we win the next two games , your bar is ours , and you have to change your , uh , good name . lenny i got a bad feeling . all bad feeling , bad feeling , but if i win , i want something i can share with my friends . something only a rich guy like you can give us . lets do this . moe look at me , moe szyslak , shaking hands with a guy wearing a shirt worth more than ill earn in my entire life . reynolds ugh , it feels like im shaking hands with a squid . no , the squid has a much firmer grip . reynolds hey , pin gals . all wha . hey , we aint afraid of no bowling shirts . theyre not shirts its compression wear , which increases blood flow to our arms and decreases wind resistance . oh , yeah . they know two handed bowling . hey , we been hustled . huh , if you cant trust hedge fund guys , who can you trust . nice toss . um , nobody likes suck ups . all right . cheeseburger . i want to help you stand up to them . but theyre traders . all we know is how to collect information . everyone has a weak spot . we will aggregate their emotional responses and run a regression through the data . thanks for dumbing it down for us . polish your balls . man , this alley does everything . oh , i dont work for the alley . no , indeed . bart . hey , mom , i got a question for you . i too young to start drinking vodka .  . wish you wouldve told me that an hour ago . heres a little dont tell homer money . if you love money with all your heart , the money will never love you back . will having no money make me happy . no . does bill gates love his wife . melinda . of course he does . they started a foundation that does wonderful things . with money , right . yes . so , moneys the answer for everything . have a c note, , sweetheart . she gets it . oh . whew , they really kicked our butts . im gonna lose my bar and my name . no moe , no tavern , nothing . im gonna jump into that empty elevator shaft . moe , no . i just , uh i cant win . oh , yeah , now were getting somewhere . all right , weve come to that time the time where i give that inspirational speech ive been keeping in my pocket . you have given this lonely little man a reason to get up every single day , and that is why i love youse , marge . i mean , uh , pin pals . pin pals . and we got a secret weapon . this guy is sober . i am , because of the love of your sister . now , just so you know , that was , that was a catfish thing , right . whats a catfish thing . ill explain it to you after the match . just dont drink . you know how , uh , how miriam hates it . you know , you sister looks just like jennifer lawrence . and all her pictures say getty images . yeah , thats thats a problem with your computer . just stay sober , huh . mm hmm . huh . hey , have you ever tasted liquid gold . you realize that was a thousand dollar swallow . return to me . yeah . oh , what do you want . fair warning we have combed through all the emotional data on you to find your soft targets . what the hell are you talking about . youll see , in just seconds . reynolds , artificial intelligence is just three months away from taking your job . without my job , i im just a douche . you dont know that the other two are sleeping with your wife . i thought you were , but you .  . youre all about your bmw , but you couldnt afford the sport package . and i win , just like all good people always win . mcdingus . yes , father . throw this at your sister . you wont do it , bart . why not . its you and its me , and it wastes food . you wont do it because , deep down , theres something weird that connects us . youre crazy . neither of us admits it , but its there . i hold myself out to you . go on , make my face the home of the whopper . i i cant do it . you do like me . you do . and well always keep this burger as a symbol of our fr may i wax your alley . will you get out of here .  . all right , this is it , the tenth frame , the final frame . the frame where you start looking for your regular shoes . all right , barney , just do your thing . no pressure . heres a picture of my sister in the movie silver linings playbook . take a look . hey , you guys liquored him up . dont worry , moe , i can still win the spelling bee . recidivism . r um eh , because of this idiot , homer , we need three strikes from you . i just want to know what its like to be a winner , huh . just one time . what about that women in film award . no , i stole that . okay , moe , for you , ill do it . were gonna win . im not gonna have to start over again . because starting over , uh , what would that even mean . that could be my reality . oh , my god , i got to lose this match . homer , no . give me the ball . i need it to bowl . i dont want to win . youre the worst coach ever . just give me the damn ball . whats wrong , moe . yeah , we won . nothing . i just got to go back to the worst thing in the world , huh . being me . the guy you wouldnt even invite to a basketball game . wha uh , d did somebody say wait . others no . well , i wouldnt come back now if you begged me . lenny wait . yeah . just making a point . surprise . you guys are my friends . thats right . we sure are . and were gonna have a big party . right after we get back from the basketball game . eh , salt of the earth there . all right , guys , since we won the championship , those hedge fund do rags have to deliver an experience for me and my pals that only they can bring . when does it start . right about now . welcome to how i always feel . springfieldspringfield . co . ukviewepisodescripts . php . tv showthe . springfield . lisas opus the simpsons se episode script mr . lisas opus doh . heres your raise . doh . light . light . light . lisa light . its your turn to get up . light . oh . ill never understand how something that came from inside of you became my responsibility . mm . out . light . daddy . breakfast . geez , this kids kind of smart . tuesday . au autumn . shes a genius . foliage . like the guy who invented shoes with lights in them . lisa cornucopia . aw , sweetie , its no surprise youre awesome . we didnt have to pull you out by the elbow , like the boy . mwah . doh . harvard college , admissions essay . lisa m . simpson . i was born with one great advantage in life a voice that would make a rhino stick its horn up its butt . rhinos are extinct , nimrod . not hippos . i just saw one in smelly , blue pants . why you little im not little . im and i live at home . oh , man . why you disappointing you know youre choking someone who can vote . but did you vote . no . why you little oh , come on , man . not voting fascist enabling homer must stop president kid rock . i was born with one great advantage , a family that never made anything easy . never more than on my seventh birthday . its my birthday . seven years old . ill wear my favorite blue dress . ill wear red , just for today . its my birthday . i want bacon . shh . i cant get maggie to sleep . i guess ill just have to start using these . whoa , okay , . thats enough for now . geez , come on . dont make me put you under warm water . i give up . anyone have anything to say to me . well , of course , honey . get ready for school or youll be late . oy , this baby . lisa , sweetie , i know why youre excited . this is a very big day . happy hour at moes was extended by an hour . wh what . mwah . happy hour at moes now hell never close . class , today is a very special day . its someones birthday . someone whose parents pretended to forget . yes . and that someone is hubert wong . happy birthday , superstar . lisa , please dont ruin huberts birthday . you wouldnt like it if someone ruined yours . i am sorry , but if you cant control yourself , ill have to send you to the office . but you saying that makes me wants to cry more . mmm . no , hubert . no cupcake for her . lisa , school is a place for sitting quietly . what about learning . no longer part of our mandate . did your mom ever disappoint you . this isnt about mother , so dont say a mother word about her . dont you dare , mother , dont you dare . ah . its just me , a student . i cant hear you , mother . shes everywhere and everyone . im everywhere because youre nothing . thanks for getting me out of work , sweetie . want the rest of my donut . no , sir . what . aw , please tell me whats wrong . i cant tell you . you just have to know . would tickling help matters . no . well , thats really all i have in my toolbox . okay , let me think . whats today . tuesday . yes . that would make you six years and days old . yes . its your birthday . and you forgot it , lisa . but because its your birthday , i forgive you . and youre gonna have the best day ever . optimism , youre back . attention , world . its little lisas birthday , and you all forgot . not me . now i suppose i got to get your kid something . just remember them in your prayers . both of them . fine . all happy birthday , dear lisa happy birthday to you we all forgot . and all was well , until the next year , when they forgot again . i mean , really , two in a row . even luigi remembers it . well , we have a the same a birthday . makes it easy . you , me , and hubert wong . thats a right, , hubert . cupcake for her . as i got older i realized , as all must , that my parents were not demigods . you are going to die soon . shut up . you are going to die soon . shut up . blood pressure spiking . shut up . calling your doctor . dr . hibbert hello . shut up . no , they are a man and a woman trapped in a fragile marriage that nearly fell apart when i turned . happy birthday . happy birthday . i remembered . dont tell your therapist . lisa , its your birthday heres five brand new verses soon youll be a woman soon youll be in love whod be better to take advice from than a man who wears one glove . hee hee . lisa , its your birthday happy birthday , lisa its your birthday happy birthday , lisa . yeah . homer mm hmm . thank you . its a wonderful cake , dad , but im . doh . happy birthday , lisa . we miss you in second grade . oh , someday youll get out of there , ralph . i dont want to . im bigger than teacher . i broke my desk . teacher cry . im growing a mustache under my long nose . better use moms closet . oof . its full . read me . read me . come on , help a letter out . dear homer , by the time you read this marge i will be gone . since we married , youve changed . not once for the better . whats it say . i cant read . marge so im taking the kids and opening a bed and . marge bitterly , marge . is mom really leaving dad . so , you finally left him . well , good for me and good for you . i finally learned how to unhook a bra with one hand . marge lisa , i know what youre doing . youre hiding when youre supposed to help me give the dog a bath . mom , . hey , . im not going anywhere . oh , god bless you , inertia . not until i wash this dog . bart , moms leaving dad . oh , the poor guy . please let me tell him , please . bart pass the gravy . we used to call it grave , but that was too scary . so we modified it to gravy , unless it had meat chunks . in which case , it was gravier , but the war changed everything . ugh . i wish you wouldnt drink so much in front of the kids . marge , i tried to drink in the pantry , but you claim thats antisocial . ugh . why dont you just go to moes . you want me to go to a bar on my daughters birthday . that is so messed up . im going , of course , but it is so messed up . happy birthday . harvard will save me . harvard will save me . kiss me , lisa , in front of the hall my grandfather endowed . he made his money in opium , but we said it was molasses . first , i have to save my parents marriage . wait here in this fantasy . yeah , can we , um , you know , see other people . sure . man , moe , you sure are spry . the job keeps me young , eh . dad . mom is gonna leave you . sweetie , marriages are like water heaters they sit peacefully for years until they explode in a fireball ruining everything you own . mom packed her bags . which suitcase . the one with the broken wheel . because she wont get more than a block away with that . she fixed the wheel . oh , god . dad , youve got to shape up . hmm . im . these next four years are the last memories ill have of all of us together . ill do anything you say , sweetie . i want you to stop drinking . stop drinking . but thats like asking a golfer to stop drinking . i never thought id say this , but id better text my sponsor . homers got a sponsor . uh , what idiot would lean into that buzz saw . hey , . im the man from a diddly . ned , i have to quit drinking . now . all right , soberino , its just simple steps . oh , . fine . nine . oh . okay , step one admit youre powerless . im powerless . boom . done . step two admit there is a power greater than yourself . um , if im powerless , isnt every power greater than myself . this is the steps , not questions . now , make a decision to turn your life to god . god . hes in every deal , like undercoating . fine . make a searching moral inventory of yourself . if i have one tiny flaw , its that i have many enormous flaws . admit the nature of your wrongs . well , im not the best parallel parker . are you ready for god to remove these defects . dear lord , the satan of heaven , i order you to fix me . okay , im just gonna fast forward through this . make amends . heres your wallet . engage in prayer . i pray youre not mad . and have a spiritual awakening . things that cost . are really ten dollars . the lord has spoken , and it is good . thats it . no more drinking . look at those , guys . i used to be like them . oh , im overjoyed for thee . call me anytime you hear the devils seductive voice . moe homer . homer homer hows about a flaming moe . drink me . im the most overpriced thing at universal studios . no . i wont do it . lisa , sweetie , lets celebrate your birthday . yes . homer ah , honey . im so sorry . i miss you so much . lisa he did quit , for good , and it was the best birthday present i ever got . well , the essay is pretty trite . but her grades are perfect , her extracurriculars stellar , and shell be the first from her state , ever . admit . and now for our instantaneous letter of acceptance . im in . and i accept . im here . and its ivy er than my ivy est dreams . lisa simpson . lisa simpson . hmm , im sorry , but there must be some mistake . oh , no . ha . gotcha . my one moment of superiority before a lifetime of begging you for money . come on , sweetie , let me carry you over the threshold . dad . thats for weddings . i think dads turning into grampa . hey , i dont need to listen to that hooey . because i make tie clips out of maple syrup , but only for flag day . by the sea , by the sea by the beautiful sea this is great we dont have to visit grampa anymore . chug , . really , man , ive had enough . the hazing ends when we say it ends . do you need any help unpacking . mom , i need to learn to do these things for myself . sorry , friend , you cant pahk your cah in hahvahd yahd . i cant what my what in what . you cant pahk yes . in hahvahd yahd . are you on novocain . yes , but recreationally . now , move your craptastic cah . hi . im caitlyn . my roommate . so , you play an instrument . bari sax . are you good . i played at kenny gs funeral . oh , shes pretty impressive . uh any childhood heartbreak . my parents forgot my birthday three times . she beats me at everything . i dont belong here . while you were feeling inferior , i took the top bunk . robot stroke , im not even gonna make it through freshman week . hey , little sister . well . at least youre having a good time . yeah , these girls want me to piss off their parents before they head home . get away from him , mandy . ill pay . ill pay . tell him i have two kids . the beauty part is , its not a lie . you always know what to say , bart . well , try this . ive known you all your life , and if theres one thing i know , its that you belong here . youre gonna study harder , youre gonna ask better questions , youre gonna get into their brains like an earworm and chew , . now , make mom and dad proud . and then ill make em proud . but you first . thank you . this is it . im on my own for the rest of my life . huh . are you my roommate , too . for now . till they kick me out . everyone thinks theyre not gonna make it . i already got kicked out of a psycho single cause my roommate didnt like me . she used all the shampoo . i just think youre funny . so i suppose you want to tell me your sats . very much . but i wont . tell me about you . im already homesick . i was always the kid that didnt fit in . middle child . artsy . and i play the most unpopular instrument there is the jazz clarinet . hmm . you know your way around a licorice stick , kid . you blow a mean fish hook yourself , sister . lets talk normal now . thank you . you know , today i was hoping i would meet a lifelong friend . yes . here i am . verbal , math , telekinesis . verbal , math , and i speak fluent cat . i have a friend . oh . maybe more than a friend . after that day , i never looked back except for all the time i just spent looking back . but i never doubted that who i am was good enough . light . light . sweetie , youre one year old , and youre already the most amazing thing i ever did . daddy happy . daddy very happy . daddy euphoric . aw . shes making up words . boy , the way nirvana played steroids caused a hit parade beanie babies had it made those were the days and we had real heroes then like jar binks and qui gon jinn mister , we could use a man like richard simmons again watching films like gilbert grape then rewinding all the tape gee , our modem dialed up great those were the days very nice . see you in court . lisa light . light . light . springfieldspringfield . co . ukviewepisodescripts . php . tv showthe . springfield . ho . ho . happy birthd . mm . doh . homer doh . pickin up trash put it in the bag kentucky chicken bucket put it in the bag makin four cents an hour and free cigarettes oh , yeah . you have done a beautiful job , ladies . i think were ready to move on . homer . im awake . im awake . what . oh , i wish you hadnt done that . someone adopted this highway . not so loud . the highway doesnt know its adopted . but we love it just the same . well , at least you rented an suv for this trip . now i dont have to clean up the mess . im starting to get carsick . quick , stick your head out the window . no , its a rental . aim inside and blast away . anyone want a caramel apple . its a rental . no , thanks . shave the dog . its a rental . thank you , no . homer get me candy . whats so funny . ha . you checked this out with half a tank , but now its three quarters full . im callin you santa cause you just gifted us one quarter tank . nobody , and i mean nobody , calls me santa . what are you doing , dad . im gonna burn that quarter tank . wasting gas while sitting on my ass . its the american way . homer whoo hoo . amazing , son . unfortunately , your left foot just grazed the sideline . incomplete pass . dad , ive got to pee . huh . huh . i know its a rental , but id rather go in the woods . maybe i should come with you . dad , come on . im ten years old . i can pee by myself . its easy . you just shake it when youre through . you do what now . sketch what you see . hmm . bart , where are you .  . bart . what is it . bart . bart . i dont know , but i cant shoot it . looks like its pregnant . ah , lets wait till theyre born , and then well , uh , shoot em all . where the heck were you . wheres bart . homer okay , this is the hardest news in the world for a mother to hear . just ease her into it . um , you know that sewing room you wanted , but we could never figure out where . oh , my god . oh , my god . what . my special little guy . dont worry , lou . if theres one thing ive mastered , its consoling distraught parents . maam . maam . can you describe your sons skeleton . oh . you incompetent look , your boys gonna be fine . now we laid out a grid and have search teams fanning out over the forest . im sorry , but , uh , because of the grid , we have to suspend the search and bring in some ambulances . where is my son .  . where am i . hmm . huh . u . s . air force song begins playing welcome to strategic air command , springfield station . if youre watching this tape , half the world is doomed . says you , general dead guy . general behind you is a titan ii missile , key to a mighty line of defense that will reduce our casualties to an acceptable million . dud . ay , caramba . woman bart . group bart . all bart . homer bart . now dont worry , i have the best dang bloodhound in the county . uh , does your boy smell like a fox . no . were of no use to you . come on , bart . you made your point . the whole town is looking for you . even that scary old man from the house with the broken windows . bart broke my windows . it used to be a normal house . all right , listen up . we have a boy comma , and you maggots youre gonna help find him . i thought we were ladies . youre lady maggots . now see here , sergeant . you havent fed us . were pretty close to riot mode . this is the boy . never seen him in my life . we all get tattoos we regret . i will find that boy , and i will toast you with his blood . whatd i tell you about blood toasts , bob . to do them , but not brag about them . president kennedy ask now what your country can do for you is what you can do for your country . doesnt sound like any president i know . freedom . oh , i can smell springfield . aw . nothing good ever comes from trying . private homer , you fat stack of mop buckets . you find something funny about this . how about i wipe that smile off your fat face . not my homie . avert your eyes , maam . a phone .  . please . dial tone . dial tone . oh , thank god . im looking for a miss culls . first name tess , middle initial t . uh , just a sec . ill check . uh , tess t . culls . tess t . culls . uh , come on . i know youre hangin around here somewhere . why , you little when i catch you , im gonna stick a beer tap in ya and pull till the foam comes out your ears . oh . oh . oh . i give up . if you find bart , give me his lunch money . well , im never giving up . why not . because searching forever is much easier than me finding a new friend . i could be your new friend . what was that . nothing . shut up . his lucky cap . bart . bart . are you down there . milhouse . i have never been so glad to see you . thanks for not noticing my new haircut . just give me your phone . ill go get help . you can count on me . i lit these for our son . marge , honey , hes never gonna come back if he thinks its a church . with of the search area reporting , channel six is now projecting that bart simpson is dead . thats right . self proclaimed underachiever bart simpson , dead at the age of ten . now lets look at the districts where hes deadest . lisa , i have news about bart . we already know . oh , milhouse , you were his best friend . what did you come here for . um milhouse i came to tell her hes alive , but this feels almost as good as hugging harry horse . i came to comfort you in these uncertain times . aw . its over . were callin off the search . did they find him . no , hes dead . no . that cant be . lord , why do you kill things that i want to kill . take me now , vile rake . i think you should look at barts death this way , bob . youre free . youre totally free . oh , this slipped off . have you ever thought of how your life couldve gone had you committed to good instead of evil . evil isnt a choice . mm . i see . why dont we try a little psychological exercise , bob . if i unshackle you , will you behave . try me . cut out barts picture . and by so doing , cut him out of your life . dont listen to them , bob . im alive . are you okay there , bob . i wont believe hes dead until ive made soup from his bones . why do i keep giving them scissors . hello . hey , mom , its me . still married . oh , my god , oh , my god . hes alive . and sassy . um , one for the road . its a long road . ill see you soon . hello , barts friend . barts alive . lead me to bart . youll have to kill me first . but if you kill me , youll never find bart . hmm . a conundrum . how to break you . tell me , do you like light operetta . oh , how light . and a one and a two . i have a song to sing , o sing me your song , o tis sung to the moon by a lovelorn loon who fled from the mocking throng , o the song of the knell of a churchyard bell i give . i give . ill take you to bart . he cracked like an egg please stop . and began to beg you promised . as i sang this song o its a song of a popinjay , bravely born who turned up his noble nose with scorn can you at least stab me in my ear . no . okay , well split up and find bart . thanks for lending this to us , ned . and ill do the three things that help the most pray , . what about me .  . i aint ridin in that . no , youre pulling it . lousy , no good i couldnt pull you when you were eight . mm hmm . hmm . hmm . hmm . angry dad , wise ass kid . now , theres a formula that never fails . dave okay , boys , were gonna sing a nice little song . calvin i want to play cowboys and indians . dave calvin , put down that tomahawk . calvin . calvin . calvin . calvin you look funny , dave . dave . dave .  . hipmunks god bless america calvin give me back my tomahawk thats where he is . but if you jump down , you cant get back up and youll be caught . so , uh , i guess thats checkmate . were not playing chess . were playing a game called after you . after me . if you insist . oh , god . i am so sick of these . twelfth times the charm . sideshow bob .  . thats right . i found your hidey hole . you found my heinie hole . ah , yes . always the back of wit . well , today youre going to be a real blast . i dont like the way he really hit the word blast . bart uh , bob , it takes two keys . that way , no nutcase can do it by himself . well , no one ever said launching two boys on a missile would be easy . wow . for a missile , its in terrific shape . shut up . im a kid who appreciates things that last . come on , boy . get a good whiff of his scent . marge did you find anything . uh , we found barts sock drawer . get back out here . hunter well , you cant shoot her . you know thats a woman . hunter oh , this is the last time i hunt with my lawyer . son , i cant go no further . i want to just lie down and die . dad , you cant die here . you have to die in a nursing home , where your body falls apart as you burn through your savings till youre a worthless vegetable . you know , with dignity . youre right , son . were here on a mission . now , lets pick out that christmas tree . were here to find bart . right , . but we got a nice eight footer over here . shes got a bare patch , but well turn that to the wall . thats it . im not listening to another word . bart and milhouse help . help . help . for this , you can thank my time at cirque du soleil . bart more like cirque du so lame . yes , they are pretty much all the same . just a little further oh , wait , wrong key . female voice five minutes to launch . bart bob , why are you doing this . well , its perfectly obvious . uh , its give me a moment . its an icbm . i commit barts murder . thats your justification for killing two kids . i hmm . dad , look . its either sideshow bob or shaq . not me . im going that way . boy , am i lost . shaq , can you help us . im not superman . you have a superman tattoo on your arm . how do you know so much about me . youre scaring me . i dont have any money . have you ever thought of how your life couldve gone had you committed to good . it is true . i had talent . i was on zoom . just send it to zoom . box boston , mass . you dont want to do this . youre losing it , bob . i dont know whats real and whats hallucination . hello . hello , doctor . bob terwilliger . did i catch you at a bad time . oh , bob , how thoughtful of you to call . most prisoners rarely follow up after leaving me to die . i just need to know , should i kill these children . sounds like someones got a case of the shoulds . if youre calling to ask , it means you already know the answer . female voice t minus two minutes . clear blast area . just tell me , please . hes not allowed to talk . hmm , that sounds like the ignition sequence of an lgm c titan ii ii ballistic missile . ive had just about enough of your nonsense . all right , i owe you one . so , whyd you save us . because i realized i dont want to kill you anymore . milhouse , is there a knife in my back . not that i can see . milhouse , is there a kick me sign on my back . not that i can see . aw . i just cant get a clean shot . also , you dont have a gun . im useless , all right . what a brilliant conceptual piece . whos it by . norad . more like snore ad . wait , is it ticking . willie sooner or later , it all comes down to mopping . doctor , im happy . and when im released , after three consecutive life sentences , i think ill open a flower shop . oh , thats great , bob . not all my patients are this successful . well , i wont be needing his file anymore . and if youre interested , tomorrows appointment just opened up . and a . your new york magazine , sir . this is the new yorker . totally different . one is the gossip rag of the glitterati . the other , an asthmatic dinosaur that hasnt been relevant since william shawn breathed his last . can i go now . ive got other lighthouses , and every ones a weirdo . not that you are . fine . leave me . ill just polish the bulb and ponder a wasted life as i walk along the shore . i rewrite it every time the tide goes out . listen to me . life is short . dont spend it on foolish , empty revenge . if you buy a mailbox , i wouldnt have to talk to you anymore . fine . springfieldspringfield . co . ukviewepisodescripts . php . tv showthe . springfield . prescription pain pills . i have a law degree for years ive smelled just like cat pee this town just drags you down shes completely lost her head and we will eat her when shes dead it really shouldnt be too long cats . cats . cats . shell be our dinner this truly is an awful town the waters green , the sky is brown pope francis came , he turned around our strongest bridge just holds ten pounds were poisoned by a greedy clown kang a meat . traffic suffers from paralysis please . im late for my dialysis . its another springfield day oh , im too sad to say ol oh , weve lost our coolest gays oh , duffman thinks this towns okay . oh , its another springfield day . lennys a survivor . lisa this will be a perfect day no way to go outside and play and so were on our way to a very nerdy science conference ba ba bum bum, , ba ba , take it bart . if youre givin it , i dont want it . bring it home , boy . my sister sucks . nyah , . its another perfect day . i brought my stems . sir , this is a conference of science , technology , engineering and math . what about this one . dialogue on pediatric education . i find this claim highly doyvik . its all true according to the highly prestigious institute for purchased science . heres our top scientist now . sir , i i dont think this is fooling anyone . quiet . and put on the monocle , professor noodle strudel . so wheres your booth . i dont have one . i just came here for fun . fun .  . one child , please . i was here first . if discos dead , i dont want to live . its stuicide . self unrolling yoga mats . artificial intelligence that writes tv recaps . stranger things suffers from season two fatigue . and look . imax al gore . if every family could just reduce their carbon footprint by ten percent oh , its hopeless . the floods are comin , people . this is my woodstock . you okay , honey . its fine . its fine . im just intellectually drunk . mm . i guess thats okay . marge , you lighten up . its science . maybe you should sit down . i aint sittin . im ready to fly . hmm . hey , kid , i want to show you something . are you a pervert . no . a chemical engineer . no . i used to be like you . you mean incredibly bored . oh , lets see if you think this is boring . i drop a little water on powdered sodium bart huh .  . wow . listen , i dont know what youre teaching , but you and i have great chemistry . except for the lab coat . it makes you look kind of heavy . i actually am kind of heavy , and it makes me look thinner . i dont know what could make this day more perfect . you didnt applaud . nothing . here , ill show ya how it goes . thank you . no selfies . lisa in a lesser musician , that boys attitude would be needy masquerading as arrogance . im leaving if he cant sing . ive had my share of crazy flings but they all end up leavin and leavin , well , it really stings lisa oh , god . hes one small step away from destroying all my logic and reason . ah . ah . ah . milhouse hey , lisa . i brought you three waters cold , lukewarm and warm . thats nice . any sparkling . damn it . hi . im lisa simpson and im nervous about saying anything that will ruin this perfect moment . my names brendan . oh , good , . no last names . dont want things moving too fast . oh . i hope our children get his hair . now to subtly find out how old he is . how old are you . well , im but im insouciant at a th grade level , and im talented , too . so unfair , right . thats amazing , because the boys i know are re ive got sparkling . sorry , im not thirsty anymore . damn it . um , so w where do you go to school . i just moved here . im starting next week at a school called springfield elementary . i see it got a few dreadful reviews on yelp . this guy called gary chalmers gave it half a star . bloody hell . of all the k through sixes in this world , you had to walk into mine . a beautiful hotel bar . just like in the shining . oh , hi , lee tle girl . if you see your ma uh , ma wife , tell her homer not your dad wants the credit card . i will sir . sir . im your dad . doh . man today , we are performing an experiment that we humorously call making elephant toothpaste . boy , the germans sure know their humor . lets just hope they know something about chemistry . first , add a tablespoon of dish soap to hydrogen peroxide , then add the warm water and the yeast . aah . german chemistry . sounds great , lisa . really great . youre just a little behind the beat . uh , maybe youre a little ahead . aw , youre so cute when youre wrong . channel that rage . no . make that reed pay for my sins . yeah . homer knock off that racket . its not a racket . its the truest american art form . banging on the walls is the truest american art form , and im a picasso . oh , no . theyre playing in time to the beat of my banging . well , then stop banging . i cant . the rhythm is infectious . heres the school trophy case . if you look closely , its empty . theyre actually decals on the glass . oh , hello , lisa . i see you have a new friend . brendan , this is nelson . lisa , you sure know a lot of weird guys . hello , brenda . excuse me . why is being a girl an insult . ah . so evolved . lisa , are you squishy for this ding dong . lisa , does that fat kid like you . whatever we had , its in the past . i think theres something in the water in this town . oh , man . on a playground i tripped then i saw you and flipped he used flipped with a double meaning . bastard . now im skippin and trippin for you . he turned his suffering into entertainment , just like the jewish people . nothing can ruin this moment . make way . dead gophers . nothing . how can you be sleeping .  . oh , thank god . meanwhile , barts teacher says he has a flair for chemistry . why that little wait . flair . isnt that a good thing . yes . its too good . why dont you ask him what hes up to . because if he lies to me , its like a dagger in my heart . what happens when i mean if i ever lie to you . can you find out what hes really up to . i will . see . thats a lie right there . doh . okay , i really will . thats also a lie . doh . fine . i really , will . finally , the truth . homer keeping promise . stupid tree house . so far off the ground . uh , dad , you havent even started to climb yet . i have to visualize it first . thanks , guys . ah , no problem . why did we do that , chief . fat man courtesy , lou . fat man courtesy . son , how do i put this . are you breaking bad up here . no , im not . and if youre looking for meth , go see cletus . what .  . meth life , proud sponsor of the opioid olympics . oh , thats street ready . dad , im just trying to follow in your footsteps . you work in science , and i think thats really cool . wow , youve never said that to me before . do you want to go to work with me today . you can help me research my theory that the chairs can go flat . id like to , but ive got to do some colloidal titration . marge , its worse than we thought . hes speaking in tongues . hes a religious weirdo . the worst thing there is . cover your eyes , boys im about to flip mr . simpson the flanders finger . you mean yup a thumbs up without a friendly wink . you have a credit card . yeah , but no money . oh , a true jazz musician . just give the ice cream back . no way . it was really hard to scoop . prepare to have your ears belted . my funny valentine sweet , comic valentine nelson . you make me smile with my heart stop . why are you doing this . i dont know . theres no good word for what i feel . scared and excited at the same time . there is a word vulnerable . vulner able . yup . i always liked you , but now im seeing you in a new light . your looks are laughable haw haw . unphotographable but youre my favorite work of art art art art . nailed it . and so now theres a jazz war over me . its pretty bad . but its pretty great . uh huh . scotland once had two queens fightin over her . loser got scotland . of course , brendan is the superior artist . but that kind of intimidates me . and nelsons rough , but hes sweet . plus he thinks i have dimples . dimples . its that serious . aye . let me give ye advice on love . the scottish national flower is the thistle . a humble weed . legend has it that the norse king haakon staged a surprise invasion . but his barefooted army stepped on thistles , and their screams awakened the sleepy scots . many a norwegian lass lamented their dead lover on that glorious day . skinner willie , someone spiked the teachers vodka with sulfuric acid . superintendent chalmers lost the tip of his tongue . kin ner . lisa , this is a song about you . a kid whos almost there . and when you get there , youll blow the roof off . oh . yeah , well , i brought my washboard . nelson . you took our washboard . i got thongs to scrub . i really cant believe that this is a choice . i mean , look at me . and look at him . and then look back at me . hmm , theyre quiet . too quiet . now theyre loud . too loud . now theyre just right . too just right . are you sure barts not planning anything . a boy takes his cues from his mother . if i trust him , then hell be good . hey , dont knock my mothers method complete abandonment from age five . homer hmm . the school talent show . and on the back , chemical equations . still think hes innocent . well just have to go there and see . you wanted rock candy , you got rock candy . mmm . brendan and nelson are fighting . im getting daddys gun to under arrest them . oh , no . im gonna call you decrescendo , cause youre goin down . nelson , thats clever . thanks . for you , i read a book . all right , ralphie , easy , . give daddy back his hat . oh , you missed everything , just like daddy . ugh , so many clams . well , youre gonna look very nice for the show tonight . it doesnt matter how i look , im not ready . ive been so distracted by those boys . how did you choose dad . and never regret it . homer marge , i mightve swallowed a couple of your earrings . gotta go . i do not want to know how you got these back . so , were really doing it . were going to a talent show where bart is putting on a chemistry demonstration . have i got that right . if our faces get melted off today , i want the last thing bart sees to be us believing in him . fine , . let me just finish my will . and oh , its good to have that taken care of . haw haw , . nelson . a word . take five , martin . im not even in your act . i said take five . oh . nelson , i cherish our unhealthy relationship . especially the fact that i can tell you the truth . kiddo , youre not a singer . okay , fine , i wont sing . but ill still perform . thats how much i want to hold your stupid hand . oh . youre up , nelson . hello . im the school bully . aw , dont be a dingus . im the next charlie mingus . could i really choose him . my choice is clear brendan . man oh , yeah , i feel the groove . next contestant , brendan beiderbecke . and brendan wins . not so fast . we have a disqualification . this young man does not live in the district . right , his home is feet into west springfield , which means he will be transferred to a school three buses and a long bike ride away from here . brendan no , lisa . i cant put you through that . i guess this relationship is over until this town invests in mass transit . ill never see him again . lisa , im glad you didnt choose me . no woman is worth learning music . all this time ive been choosing jazz over doing my reps . well , my reps never let me down . lift weights , get dates . lift weights , get dates . well , i guess im alone for the moment . and i like it . good for lisa . shes better off alone . she doesnt need a man . wait a minute , everybody . even though the most interesting and emotionally compelling part is over , we still have one performer who says he will blow you away . so please welcome the original dennis the chemist , bart simpson . drop the beaker , screwy pasteur . no . i wasnt doing anything bad . pour the beaker and youll see . we are not gonna let you mix those chemicals . we got a tip from an anonymous source named seymour skinner . do you even know what anonymous means . uh , helpful . mom , im innocent . you believe me , dont you . oh , if hes lying , ill never forgive him . if hes telling the truth , hell never forgive me . glad im not you . bart , sweetie , ill pour the beaker for you . all oh . ah . hes innocent . but then who put the sulfuric acid in superintendent chalmers drink . i did . willie . why . why . because , seymour , i was trying to kill you . well , thats okay . good man . but quiet , seymour . the mans got a dream . mmm . i never doubted you . well , you should have . im sorry . im so sorry . this episode was supposed to have been a parody of moonlight , not la land . moonlight . but none of us have seen it . we have the dvd . we could watch it tonight . either that or x men apocalypse . all x men . id like to see moonlight . springfield . springfield . nine million . ten million . million . million . joan mirs the poetess , going once , going twice , sold . to billionaire tech mogul megan matheson . hmph . dont take that painting , i love it . i wont let you take it . there you have it , ms . matheson , joan mirs the poetess . my paintings been stolen . thats impossible . its a mystery so baffling , only one man can solve it . get me manacek . thank goodness youre here , mr . manacek . youre the best freelance insurance investigator in the business . oh , well , isnt that just what we need . some smug pretty boy out to make us cops look stupid . ah , clancy , youre looking well fed . uh see . he put that pause between those two words deliberately . maybe i did , maybe i didnt . well , two can play at that pause . three people bid on the stolen painting nuclear magnate mr . burns , venture capitalist megan matheson and mini golf cheat homer simpson . theyre all suspects . i dont mind telling you , manacek i hope you fall flat on your face . oh . i hope not . my mothers rather fond of it . damn your wit . look , manacek , i dont know why youre talking to me . its my painting that was stolen . yes , but you insured a million painting for million . for a woman with a head for numbers , it doesnt add up . you smug son of a bitch . i like you , manacek . but you should be talking to the real painting thief the man i outbid , montgomery burns . thats quite a workout youre getting . although , i can think of a better one . sorry , but im in a committed relationship with the former miss denmark . shes created a breed of mosquito that cures malaria . well , if she invents a cure for commitment , let me know . pull . shoot . nice shot , mr . burns . youre a natural in the ancient art of skeet . oh , spare me your flattery , manacek . i know why youre here . you think i stole that ridiculous painting . absurd . a little clay pigeon told me that you couldnt stand being outbid by a woman . pull , . looks like the only thing being hit around here is a nerve . ill blast that smile right off your smug face . i like you , manacek . but its obvious who took the painting . that lunatic who said hed do anything to have it homer simpson . i did you bring that with you . its inflatable . i got it at brookstone . i dont know what help i can be with your case , mr . manacek . as you can see , im a very busy man . according to my sources lenny you were obsessed with that painting . i myself was once obsessed with a suede sports jacket with leather pockets . i would have done anything to get it . even steal a painting . me . obsessed with some stupid painting . thats absurd . is it . youre right . id do anything to have that painting . lie , kill , steal . well , not kill . but i would steal it , and then lie about it . but i didnt steal it . and im not lying . believe me , or ill kill you . i like you , manacek . ill kill you . i like you . mr . simpson , theres more to your story than youre letting on . and im gonna find out what . please dont . wow . the pizza delivery boys get better looking all the time . im homer simpsons wife . i love wives . they never pester you to marry them . geez , youve got a lot of lines . you will too , after i show you my corduroy sheets . mr . manacek , my husband is a wreck . please , just give me a chance to convince you hes innocent . only if its over dinner . uh , okay . more frito pie , mr . manacek . sure , why not . if hes not guilty of stealing that painting , why is homer cowering on the stairs , eating cereal straight from the box . well , homers so quick to panic . its his only flaw . marge , i need you to be straight with me . okay , i admit it , he has many flaws . thousands . flaws . everywhere , flaws . your husband doesnt really seem like a typical art lover , but he shows exquisite taste in the female form . hey , front pockets , quit hitting on my mom . she only loves one stocky man in tight pants our dad . sorry , i can only solve impossible crimes if im seducing an amazing woman . its my process . ill tell you everything i know about homer for one of those tiparillos . no tiparillos . both women . i like you , manacek . so let me clue you in on the real story about my dad and that painting . homer was chaperoning my class field trip to the art museum , and he was not happy about it . come on , come on . hurry up in there . three to a urinal . no hand washing , or well be late for lunch . hmm . homer sheesh , look at that stupid painting . what is it even supposed to be . art should be of pretty ladies , hunting dogs with dead rabbits , bible crap and sidewalk drawings where it looks like you could fall in . homer i get it . i get it . mr . simpson , some of the kids went to the gift shop . we were only supposed to bring five dollars , but some brought more . wha wha what . oh , right . chaperone . hmm mmm . this is warm beer . thats an michelob . homer was saving it for a special occasion . mmm . yes . my husband just couldnt stop thinking about that painting . wha . honey , i love a painting . oh , what is it of . grapes . no . flowers . no . peaches . no . you sure its a painting . im positive . i touched it when no one was looking . well , theres nothing wrong with being an art lover as long as its representational . mmm it is representational , isnt it . tell me its representational . what else about our marriage is a lie . are you really a licensed dj . i took the courses , but i failed the test . a blue collar joe suddenly likes modern art . that story and two bits will get you a cup of coffee . what year do you think it is . hey , whos the shamus here . im telling you , deep down , my dad is really sensitive . oh , good , youre awake . youre the only one i can talk to about this . i know that painting . its called the poetess by joan mir . why does it bring me such peace . why .  . see . even though the painting is abstract , that yellow circle can represent the sun . homer or pac man at rest . dad , you think art sucks . snap out of it . homer wow . i mean , wow . every time i look at it from a different angle , i see something new . i just want to take a moment to acknowledge that for the first time , youre dragging me into the museum . yeah , its a topsy turvy world . beach volleyballs bigger than regular volleyball . sorry , pally . sorry , gally . but the museums closed down for good . can we go in and look at our favorite painting one last time . its called the poetess . oh , its right there , inside the crate thats going to the auction house , where a billionaire will buy it and youll never see it again . oh , and ill have to take that , too . now museum , now you dont . the springfield museum of fine art is the latest victim of this citys budget woes . the storied institution has closed its doors forever . its legendary art collection will be sold at auction and its docents released into the wild . the closure is being protested by a coalition of local art lovers and homeless bathroom users . picasso , goya , czanne , dal , selling off artwork would be folly . were here , vermeer , get used to it . people , . government is about making tough choices . this was not one of them . museum attendance was near zero . we lost thousands on stolen audio wands . what do people want with wands . these wands are putting the hurt on these walnuts . man notice how edward hoppers use of windows invites the viewer into the scene but also keeps them at bay . but mayor quimby , the springfield museum of fine art , or smofa , was a jewel . smofa was the one institution of genuine culture our town could be proud of . stop saying smofa . it never caught on . um , excuse me , mayor smofa . im not like these brainy tote bags over here . i like my crusts stuffed , my martial arts mixed , and my movies fully sandler ed . but theres this painting from that museum , and when i really look at it , only one word explains what i feel . what is it again . transgender . transcendent . transcendence doesnt fill potholes or educate our children . did you know we had to lay off a third of the police force . thats right . eddie . i used to have a gun . fine , sell the artwork . lets move on to the next protest too many poke restaurants . poke is just okay . poke is just okay . at waters edge by paul czanne , sold for million . yeah . im as happy as steve martin . its oh , god , no . our last item is the poetess by joan mir . the bidding starts at million . homer i bid that . what are you doing . i have a plan to get the painting . million . woman i think we can do better than that . i need this painting for my private monkey sanctuary in costa rica . the monkeys find the colors quite arousing . million . eight million . nine million . sir , we attempted to verify your funds at the first bank of moes . the man at the phone threatened to boil our skulls and make them into rat toilets . its okay , dad . you just really loved that painting . the bidding stands at million . nine million . ten million . million . million . joan mirs the poetess going once going twice sold . to billionaire tech mogul megan matheson . hmph . dont take that painting , i love it . i wont let you take it . your story had everything a field trip , a dream sequence , sideshow mel and it gave your father the perfect motive to steal that painting a deeper connection to his daughter . well , maybe , but im sure hes innocent . mom , lisa , s horndog , dads run off . hes on the lam . you know , once i send your husband to prison , youll be kind of single . manacek it seems homer escaped out this window . hmm . in all my years as an investigator , ive never seen a trellis take such a pounding . i know it looks bad , but think about what we told you . my husband could never have stolen that painting . hmm . thank you , marge . i now know exactly how everything happened . how do you know that . ill be happy to explain over breakfast . you have a real problem with women . i know . im seeing a therapist tonight at my place . oh , get out . go , . white chocolate the loneliest chocolate . manacek homer , i know youre in there . how did you find me . i knew youd return to the scene of the crime where your inner peace was stolen . you cant bring me in . youre not a cop . youre not even a regular insurance investigator . youre freelance . you dont get paid unless you submit an invoice . which lets me control when my corporate year ends . youre always one step ahead . i dont like you , manacek . your familys story of how you fell in love with that painting did prove your innocence . how . by providing one crucial fact youre too dumb to steal anything . maybe i did take it . trust me , you didnt . i could have . but i know you didnt . thats what im saying . im smart . youre dumb . after careful consideration of facts and evidence observed only by me , i can reveal who stole the poetess ms . matheson . your last ipo was doa , and you needed the cash to keep your girlfriend in hybrid mosquito larva . ive seen it a thousand times . impossible . the armed guards never let the painting out of their sight . but which armed guards . it was a simple matter of finding the guards identical twins , then hiring them to rob their own brothers . thats the last impossible mystery youll ever solve . well done , mr . manacek . who would have suspected it was the person none of us had ever met before . yes , its a shame she went through all that trouble to steal a painting that had already been stolen by you . uh , not yet , sir . i mean , how dare you accuse me of such a crime . but the painting was safely in our vault until it left the auction house . but which auction house . it was a simple matter of burns building an identical auction house next door to the real one . the actual painting never left the vault , so burns could steal it at his leisure . now . yes , sir . my painting . oh , thank goodness those thieves didnt get you . its a shame i punched out a woman and an old man over a gift shop tote bag . lisa . it wasnt my plan to steal it . that painting was the first thing my dad and i ever had in common . i couldnt bear to see him lose it . it was a simple matter of switching my canvas tote bag for the painting before it was even auctioned off . i knew it was wrong , but isnt it a worse crime to let some billionaire hide art away where guys like my dad can never fall in love with it . so , who gets the poetess now . million . ownership of the painting reverts back to the city . but where will we hang it . were knocking down the art museum . and what are you doing with the money springfield got from selling all the publics art . well , uh , were , uh , building certain vitally needed civic improvements . everything i love in one place . beer . hot dog . bathroom . painting . daughter . marge , youre a beautiful woman , but youre loyal to your husband . and i respect that . but if things were different , would i have a shot . you are the most conceited , chauvinistic , son of a i like you , manacek . springfield . the superheroes are friends again . lets get out of here . we cant leave before the post credits sequence . why does jeremy renner need two assistants . shh . here comes the sequence . the avengers were too strong for us , my lord . what . whos that . thats spider mans uncle ben . he was alive the whole time . and evil . with great power , comes no responsibility . finally . what . you saw it . that was a mid credit scene . theres more . who the hell are you . im assembling a team of the best team assemblers in the world . and i want you to help me put together that team . assemblers assemble . time . to . go . but theres two more credit sequences . when i was a kid , movies ended when they ended . the only reason you stayed for the credits was to see who sang the power of love . and it was usually huey lewis . i liked the first post credit sequence the best . i liked the fifth . pipe down . im trying to listen to preseason minor league baseball . announcer and with the last of the isotopes pitchers receiving tommy john surgery on the mound , thats the ball game . good night , everybody . stupid baseball traffic . im taking a shortcut home . kids , look . we used to live here before we were married . its the old beef rendering district . ah , yes , tallow town . at the end of every factory tour , they gave you a free glass of blood . huh , its really gentrified . oh , a store where you grind and flavor your own house made toothpaste . oh . mmm . terrible . theres our old building . look . our fifth floor walk up apartment . dad , you walked up five floors every day . no . i took the elevator to the top of the building next door , then crawled across a plank to our roof . hey . i pioneered that trail . yeah , great . thank you , kit carson . kids , you want to check out our old apartment . huh . huh . i can tell from your tone that were going either way . i have one tone . hi . you dont know me , but im marge simpson . oh , yeah , i recognize that name . in fact , we still get mail for you . marge mm . oh . aw . oh , thank god . a list of new choking hazards . pacifiers . no . no . maggie . oh , here . so can i get you anything . weed . edibles . pudding with a joint in the center . but we need you out by . we airbnb this place every night while we stay at a cheaper airbnb . mmm . disruptive . before homer and i got married , we had amazing times here . yeah , right . like you could possibly ever have fun without us . it was a wonderful time . we were living the dink life . dink . dink dual income , no kids . oh , dink . how come you can say dink when youre talking about your jobs , but i cant say dink when im talking about my dingus . before we had you , life was a breeze . wed go to amusement parks without going on those stupid baby rides . squeezing my butt into a little biplane that only goes four feet off the ground . actually , dad , its supposed to go feet off the ground . doh . it was a great life . we were swimming in dinks . see . that was the key to their happiness no kids . weve been talking about starting a family , but were just not sure were ready . we cant even agree on what to name our ferret . yeah , we both like caitlin , but we just , we cant agree on the spelling . well , we used to be just like you . childless and partying every night . hi , hey , check out who crashed the party , kent brockman . oh , he does the animal adoption segment on thursday mornings . eh . eh . yes , the biggest problem with winning a local humane society golden pig ear is just staying humble . this celebrity sighting will be the lede for my gossip column , marge madness . hmm . ow . what are you doing . there isnt even a dartboard . youre marge bouvier . oh , i read your listings every week correct dates , very few typos , professional stuff . mm . just steer clear of pet shelters and fun runs , those are my beat . mr . brockman , youre hurting my arm . oh , im sorry . i just care about soft news so much . homer i had a job at a cutting edge new company that would change the world . homer , next week we finally take our revolutionary teeth whitening strips to market . i couldnt have done it without you , man . together , we make an amazing team . me , with my advanced degrees in medicine , chemistry and business , and you , with your gentle good humor . i hear that . i love it . its like i know youre not listening to me , but im not mad at you . im sorry , what . exactly . buddy , whatever i make , you get a piece of . i hear that . i mean , i really hear that . marge homer took me to the hippest spots in town . oh , homie . this is the happiest ive ever been in my life . hold onto it , marge . hold on and never let go . the moment . no , the rail . oh , quit resting . marge wed see classic movies whenever we wanted . the time has come today young hearts can go their way cant put it off another day i dont care what others say they say we dont listen , anyway the time has come today time . hey , some of us are trying to enjoy the movie . no , none of us are . at least i died before im . yes , he was when he made this film . did you two lovebirds a know theres a meteor shower tonight . homie . we should drive to the desert and watch it . what about the kids . oh , right , we have none . bart so why cant you do stuff like that now . why do you think . it couldnt be me , booze n snooze . why you little marge . pick up the narrative . marge we were having the time of our lives . homer and then it came . have some num num . who likes num num . you like num num . oh , theres a meteor shower tonight . well do the next one . its in years . where are they coming from , outer space . have some num num . who likes num num . you like num num . where did this beautiful man go . lisa dad , i know it was fun to be young and free , but how could you ever replace us . pool table , jukebox , and a vacation to bermuda . dad . can you please get to the part where you reassure us how glad you are were here . hey , as long as im the pool table , im cool . sweetie , i treasure you . but before you kids , i used to know the names of people in bands . and not just the singer , but the guitar guy . and baby bart was the worst son of a bitch you could imagine . marge we were the first of our friends to have a baby , so we got lots of attention . aw . aw . aw , hey , little man . up high . down low . too slow . again . all right . up high . oh . ow . what was that .  . oh , thats tangelo . come on . thats the most acidic of all the citrus fruits . i see now that even babies dont respect you . were you planning on bringing this brat to board game night . oh , sea salt . the biggest crystals of all . we dont have a sitter . invitation rescinded . homer next , baby bart ruined my one shot at success , my only fast pass to cash mountain . yes , thank you . you wont be sorry . were goin places , homer . soon youll be in a higher tax bracket . doh . whats that thing on your shoulder . uh , my son . you cant have a kid . but i have a kid . a kid indicates you took time away from me to conceive . its like a virus . it starts spreading , and suddenly everyones getting married when they should be working . working . always working . oh . i have a difficult choice here . you chose me over money . oh . i deserved that . and that . now hes worth billion . i still have his phone number , but ive never called it . well , why not . he loved you before . youre the same guy . yeah . ross homer simpson . buddy , is that you . ive been expecting this call for years . you remember me . of course . ive been waiting to say something to you . are you ready . i sure am . ross good bye forever . oh . closure is supposed to be a good thing . also , im afraid , a newborn and a journalism career did not mix . this is terrible . i wanted quotes from the swing set , not price quotes on swing sets . party pics , not potty tips . glitterati , not babysitterati . are you getting my drift or should i throw you an oar . its important for new parents to know this stuff . new parents . eh . theyre not the audience for the leisure section . all they care about are babies . babies are boring . id rather talk about soccer . and i hate soccer . marge , do you like bacon . yes , ac well , you got one last chance to save yours . get me a good nightlife story , or im replacing you with someone with a nightlife , barbara rellalinsky . i will get the scoop . marge so , youve moved into painting giant schnozzes . marge , the mouth has had its say . now its time to find out what the nose knows . thats a pull quote, , if ever i heard one . pretty much everything i say is quotable . well , not that . what are you doing here . im so sorry , sweetie . i know its my night to watch bart , but he just wont stop fussing . did you try driving around to make him fall asleep . it only worked on me . next stop somali pirate island . doh . bunny . its not art anymore . its a misshapen lump on the floor . not like this masterpiece . marge , this photo is dynamite . thank you . dynamite kills people . thanks to your kid , we just lost all our art advertising , the art gallery and arts deli , which catered the event . youre fired . turn in your press card and your fedora . and im gonna erase your name from this birthday card we got for doris . see . its gone . she wont miss it . she never liked you . marge but i still had the greatest job in the world , i thought being a mom . boy , if it wasnt for naptime , wed have all been dead from the stress years ago . i didnt do it . you are banned forever from gymdandee our sister shops , swimdandee and violindandee and all other kid kennel enrichment centers and baby prisons . hey , homer . havent seen you in a while . i switched to donuts . oy . marge our dream life crumbling , homie and i sought counseling at the church . you were so very wise to bring your problems here . now , wont you bow your heads and watch this video . hello . im professor thernstrom , author of fractured families and how to heal them . i think we all know who professor thernstrom is . play the video . thernstrom jane was an only child . and science has proven that only children are lonely children and lonely children are evil children . janes problems became the familys problems . they came to see me , and , nine months later , joe was born , and all was well . announcer do not undertake procreation alone . warning second child may cause loss of money , limited vacations , and reduced sleep . do not have a second child if you have heart problems , are pregnant , or want to keep your spare bedroom . in rare cases , sibling rivalry may occur . thats it , homie . thats the answer . were having another child . but just the one . were not catholics . and so we decided to have lisa . thats what this was building to . i thought this was the story of how we got our furnace . who would care how we got the furnace . i would care . it came with the house . mystery solved . finally , hes asleep . lets make another . mmm , . no . oh , not here . he might wake up . the only safe place is out on the fire escape . what if firemen need it . ill be quick . now mother nature does the rest . hmm duh , girls dont like me . hey . no fair . hey , where did he get those glasses . the saxophone makes sense , but the glasses dont . shut up , you . shut up . marge and so after a lot of late night ice cream and pickles , lisa was born . and the best part was bart became the calmest boy in the whole world . homer more or less . why , you you delightful little blessing . someones gonna need four months of rehab . not covered by insurance . so a family with kids is a different kind of happy , but still happy . wow . just , uh wow . hey , wheres your wife . uh , she left me forever during your story . if you look out the window , you can probably see her . oh . why did you leave .  . because i never want to be stuck with people like you who stunt each others growth with your rampant dysfunction . quick . family smile . our lives are great . we left out the happy parts because they were boring . nothing wrong with this picture . get over here , lisa . the only way humanity survives is if people perpetuate this lie . well , why is she frowning . is there some unhappiness youre hiding . um im gonna stake my whole marriage on what you do next . smile . dont be a dink . mm i love you , miles . you did it , sweetie . you saved two bad marriages . whats the first bad marriage . uh , i miscounted . you saved one bad marriage . just one . aw , reminds me of the first time we hugged . great story . get out . well , we may not be ethical , but were a great team . just like fred and ethical . lisa want to tell us how maggie was born . homer we told you that story . lisa and how we got the dog . homer found him at christmas . lisa and the origin of the cat . homer nobody cares . this was a nice idea , homie . im glad we came back here . just the two of us . just imagine what theyd do if grampa wasnt watching them . i wish id never had kids . thank god theres no munitions left in the factory . never too late for another . no ones made it out in a half century . i didnt even know there were five of us . make room . what the . how did you get in here . mind your own business . springfield . springfield . dad , were four episodes early . doh . here it is , myra the key to the trophy case . if wed ever won a trophy , i wouldve turned the heck out of it . mm . i cant believe youre retiring , sir . martin , i must ask you to keep secret what you just heard the shocking news that im retiring . sir , you are addressing a student safety monitor . with diagonal belt comes great responsibility . ive got a secret . firsties . what .  . skinners quitting . i won the pool . guess whos renting two songs from itunes . skinners retiring . bombardment . he will be missed . bombardment . he stood up for me when they tried to ban bombardment . bombardment . my fellow americans , and uter the rumors are true . im resigning the principality effective taco tuesday . seymour , you will be missed . and now , the flyover by the permission slip angels . ow . my distance vision eye . skinner leaving . one last chance to honor him . with a shot to the head . oh . move it . come on , bart . take the shot . i dont have the damn shot . now , in honor of our principals retirement , well have a performance from a super talent whos gonna wrap up our feelings . i cant believe this is good bye you were like a mommy who wears a tie you once called men who put me in a net you always told me when i was wet they said i had to wait two years to do karate even though my friend who is the same age is in the class karate . theres a certain lack of elegance in rhyming karate with karate . karate . now , ill share a fond farewell with one student chosen at random to represent you all . oh . bart simpson . there is a god , and his name is the devil . bart , come forward . in the words of the late david bowie , n jones ch ch . all rights reserved , ziggy stardust publishing . gotcha . aah . no . got you . now , willie . the honey . simpson , im not retiring . this was all just a prank on you . leave him alone . where do i go . how do i live this down . mom , my humiliation bath is getting cold . hold still . youve got honey in your pits . oh . mm , sticky . bombardment . haw haw . oh , nelsoned by largo . ill get them back . ill get them all back . and thatll be the end of it forever . not good enough . what are you gonna do , bart . wait , . dont tell me . ill have nightmares , like the one where im wearing my pajamas during the daytime . you are wearing your pajamas . some day i want to be a racecar driver . do you know how many get killed . they dont show that on the pajamas . ugh . pranking bart was my sergeant peppers , after a lifetime of back off boogaloos . what the . simpson . ugh . my skin . hey , brandine . these woods is filled with scary white people . what else is new . bait the traps . mama needs a new people coat . thanks to one vengeful prankster , clowns once a source of delight have now become more twisted than the balloon animals they wrap their creepy hands around . we only hope that by showing it on tv , no one goes out and copies it . now , lets tell you how its done . send your copycat videos to kents krazy klown karnival of kartoon karnage . upside down and inside out , and you can feel it oh , no . no . now people have to judge us by our music . were doomed . man seconds to air . how many times have i told you not to wake me till its two seconds to air . krusty , i have to warn you . peoples attitudes have changed about hey hey, , kids . calm down , children . im here . the shirtless man with the bone through his skull and a grass skirt with nothing down under . i tried to warn you . people hate clowns now . and the advertisers want to meet with you . what is it with bart and these pranks . i dont get it . i dont know . boys will be boys . thats another thing i dont get . what does that mean . spoons will be spoons . but they dont make you go to juvenile court at in the morning . yo . if we hurry , we can get those breakfast burritos they serve at the courthouse . those are good , marge . bailiff childrens court of springfield is now in session . apologies . divorced dad , no sitter . that must be really tough , judge . i raised a turtle by myself . pure hell . milhouse said hed help , and he just walked away . let me look at your file , son . your honor , i can save you some time . ive done it all juvie , state juvie , groovy juvie , the montessori prison , outward and inward bound . so youre down to fry me or free me . what can i say . im a widdle dickens . well , bart , based on the ancient judicial principle boys will be boys mm hmm . im going to hand down a suspended no . marge , for once , let us get rich people justice . no . judge , i love my son , but hes got a real problem . he needs to learn the meaning of consequences . huh . bart , i sentence you to days at the tomorrows new horizons addiction rehab center and general rotten time ranch . mom , how could you do that to me . yeah , mom . because i love you , bart . and a mothers toughest job is saying help me . my kid has a problem . i do not . all i ask is , dad , while im gone , will you hold onto my can of peanut brittle . anything for you , son . snakes . gotcha . why you little . oh . the snakes ate all the peanut brittle . i dont know . i dont know if i did the right thing . comfort me . oh , marge , part of being a parent is doing things thatll make your child never speak to you again . oh , no , honey , i didnt mean never . definitely on his deathbed . when hes dying . oh . i had to do it . i had to do it . he was out of control . look what he did to krusty . i feel terrible for his writers . i beat you if you dont flip sign . flip , . what are you here for . to laugh at me . no . please laugh at me . i dont exist unless you laugh at me . look what youve done to me . he looks just like me . and maggie looks just like lisa . and milhouses mother looks just like milhouses father . why is this universe so lazy . never mind that . krusty , our sons prank caused this . were gonna help you . ah , forget it . im finished . oh . wait , . krusty what . you can still work . what if you gave up comedy , and transitioned to serious acting . eh , impossible . ive never shown genuine emotion in my life . im even reading this off a card . okay , next card . but seriously , i gotta speak from the next card heart . i cant be a dramatic actor . i have all the depth of a foot bath . next card . skip that one . next card . a lot of funny actors have transitioned to drama tom hanks , albert brooks . im not convinced . michael keaton . im in . zach braff . now im not so sure . bryan cranston . im in . and hopeful . greetings . i am your director , llewellyn sinclair , and you are the barbies and kens whom i shall pose in my malibu beach house of thespic triumph . my choice for our play is arthur millers death of a salesman . however , the rights cost too much , so well be doing this knockoff version , the salesmans bad day . dont worry , the text is just play doh to be extruded through the fun factory of my tony award watching genius . to play willie salesman , please welcome the man whos taking a bold leap into intentional unfunniness , and giving me a ride home tonight , and maybe more , hmm . mr . herschel krustofsky . hey hey . let me see the script . my line . my line . garbage . garbage . my line . i dont know . should i really be doing this . im an out of has been whose next logical step is to take his own life . and thats exactly what death of a salesman is about . i thought this was the salesmans bad day . and thats exactly what i said . anyone hear different . i thought not . but krusty , the part of willie loman , i mean salesman , is perfect for you . youll just be playing yourself . can i play someone i like . no . i know he cant see me , but can he still feel my love . im afraid the glass blocks that , too . oh . marge , i promise i will make your boy whole . i want to believe that so much . ill never forget how peaceful he was in those moments before he took his very first breath . bart , you act like you dont have a problem , but deep down , you know you need help . no way . i am awesome . sit down and ill elaborate . um , i think ill need some help . uh , marge , could you come in here . please , take my seat . we need to get to the bottom of this . right to the point . no , . oh , well , maybe i should try a different tack . mom , dont sit down . i dont want to hurt you . okay , you just completed step one learning empathy . ow . pop , look . i am losing the weight . come on , krusty . theres raw emotion just beneath your surface . frack it . oh , i dont know , im scared . the theater is not for cowards . all i ask for is integrity and honesty in the salesmans bad day . title may change . now , herschel , summon that talent youve hidden from the entire world for years . i cant . hershel , my son , listen to me and listen good . you are a once in performer . you think so . no . i was faking it . and if i can do it , so can you . and now , become a great actor . and now , sense memory . and now , be present . and articulate . and we breathe . oh , okay . and great actor . im sorry , my sons . clench butt . im finished as a salesman . clenchier . the only thing i have left worth anything is transport me to another plane . my life insurance . but , pop , that only pays off if youre big pause . dead . your pop is gonna go out on his route , boys . one last time . no , pop . no . tell your mother im sorry about the woman in boston . also , my death is a metaphor for american industry . im doing it . im doing it . and ill be fine , unless i get those voices in my head . you cant act . uh oh . youre a clown , and thats all youll ever be . and when you die , theyll be playing this no . no . stop it . no . no . no . ugh . ah . anything wrong , krusty . only whats tormented me my entire life . very good . see you tomorrow . reverend , im here for my last step to make amends for the rotten things ive done . oh , fine . let me get into uniform . im sorry i cut all the bible ribbons short so no one could mark their place . why you son of a willie , im sorry i shaved your beard . ive had to wear a merkin on me face . i also had the blades removed from your lawnmower . youve just been riding around . no one interferes with me mowing . and im sorry i used your baseball chalker to write skinner sucks . ill show you who su wait , you can do that . please dont encourage me . thank you for encouraging me . ugh , were out of chalk . you know , i had just completed rehab . well , me , too . america loves a lot of things , but i never dreamed a comeback was one of them . tell me , krusty . no , . no more of the k word . im a serious actor now . if only my father could see me . oh , i see you . son , you used to be a putz . now youre a putz trying to be a schmendrick , which makes you a schmeckle . get out of my head . yet another puff piece that ends in madness . i know you lost the love of linda ellerbee while we were launching the luge at the olympics in lillehammer . b b . bart simpson cured of pranking . i never thought id see it . and you havent . look up there . water balloons , ready to drop . its times like this im glad i have eyebrows . sweetie , ive never been prouder of you . i knew my little bad seed could bloom into a flower . youre proud of me . thats right . now go give that speech and know that sitting in that audience will be your mother , whos always believed in you . nothing can rain on my parade today . i run . simpson . motherhood sucks . boys will be boys . ah . you cant come in here . this is the boys will be boys room . tonight , you will make theatrical history . youll take a play that has been seen all over the world more times than man can count , and you will do the best version ever . how do i know . because i just took six valiums . see you outside . youll never get rid of me . youll always be a self hating clown . when i was i walked into the amazon . the company , not the river . and when i was i walked out . and , man , was i loaded . thank you , jeff bezos . listen to your uncle , boys . hes a great man . the audience is quiet . that means youre bombing . quick , you got to get a laugh . drop your pants , show your fanny . you know , your a material . get out of my head . i am a serious actor . laughs . im getting laughs . and not from a machine . go with it . im a salesman a dying salesman im willie loman just watch me go , man im gonna suck that old gas pipe . whatever doesnt kill me makes the play longer . this play will run forever . okay , but now that im big again , i cant work tuesdays , thursdays , the month of july , or toronto raptors home games . im the spike lee of that team . ah , standard exemptions . i love it . he fails at everything he can his sons cant stand their old man its sell , till he dies , in a car crash . alls well that ends well . how did it end well . hes ruining my play . well , dont worry . youve got plenty of other good plays . oh , wait . you dont . hey , im americas greatest playwright . exactly . springfield . springfield . doh . they fought for years with guns and garden shears years , tears , its the itchy and scratchy marathon . krusty episode leave it to cleaver . announcer sponsored by delicious cream of rye . which ones the cat . okay . hour of our marathon . now lets watch episode cat scratch cleaver . enough with the cartoons . youll rot your brains . homer leave brain alone . ugh , ive been watching so much tv , i cant move my head . ill fix him . careful , dad . if id have been careful , i wouldnt have had you . oh . eh . eh . now i cant go to school . or church . hallelujah . ah . were going to spend family time together without watching tv . mom is right . americans watch way too much tv . how many hours . let me google that . ha . instead of t v, , i typed t b . let me google that . turn off the devices , pronto . pronto . odd word . let me google that . mm . mm . hey , im doing something educational . educational , my foot . i saw pixels . its tunnelcraft . a simulated world where you explore , mine resources , and work with friends to build replicas of real buildings . can you die in it . yes . its a video game . i got a family activity for ya . in the depression , wed sit around the wood stove and sing songs about poverty . old poor joe , the starving boy had worms burrow in his feet he heard there was work in portland but sadly he heard wrong oh , the railroad bulls , they rousted him and stuck him in a sack they tied him to the train and pulled him down the track they threw him off the bridge and they kicked him in the head and they enough . i know what were going to do . huh . ah . were going to go out . were going to get some books and were going to read those books . this is the very last chance for this family to get reading in their lives . so get on your feet , bubs . we are taking a walk . to the library . where youll have to be quiet . wait , youre closing . you wanna read . start with the sign . oh , cant we just go in for five minutes . up to you . but after the silverfish take over . ah . i just wanted to renew my card . hmm . dvds , plush toys , crullers i dont see many books . yeah , the only actual books are coffee table books . barn doors of topeka , dogs eating ice cream , jigsaw puzzles with one piece missing , man killing snakes of the amazon sir . never say amazon in a bookstore . amazon . of course . alexa . order books . alexa i already did . your mind is open to me . theyll be home before i am . maam , if you really want to read , check out our proprietary e reader the bookaccino niche . um , excuse me . that device is poorly designed . i would register my disgust , but it corrects with auto praise . hmm . ugh . marge finally , a bookstore that sells books . homer oh , oatmeal . i love the smell of old books . ah wouldnt do that , miss . the air in here has a lot of particulate rat droppings . ugh . okay . lets book up and bug out . here you go , bart the sisterhood of the traveling pants . maggie in cold blood . lisa with no apologies the memoirs of barry goldwater . lisa , look . the princess in the garden , by heloise hodgeson burwell . hmm . its my very favorite book from when i was a girl . its for ages ten and up , but i think youre ready . if you think so . wait a minute . one bar two bars five bars . youre not reading a book . youre in a wi fi hotspot . dad , please . im trying to reserve tickets to tunnelcraft con . what . what the hell is that . uh , duh , its a convention for kids who play tunnelcraft . its got skins , betas , mods exclusive access to the top devs . no convention . and thats almost final . but im dying to go , fatso . now it is final . what do you have for a kid who wishes his father was dead . try this . the art of war , written years ago by general sun tzu . well , theres war in the title and very few pages . the only flaw is its a book . young man , are you sure you want war with your father . mmm . mm hmm . i do not seek war , but neither do i turn away . if you use this book , your father will lie shattered before the gates of your palace . oh , mighty general . i beg to be your unworthy footstool . when he sleeps , i will steal the jewels from his topknot . hey , mom , i found something to read . wonderful . what a great family day . and there is only one perfect way to complete a great family day . so , hows the family . i think they went to dinner . something nice . nelsons coming our way . my nose is pre bleeding . im picking on bart . you like books , huh . well , heres a bookmark . if your enemy is easily enraged , irritate him . i heard youre not strong , youre just fat . fat . me . you try eating healthy at a strip club buffet . oh . whoa . willy . get me out of here . its on fire . willy . hmm . maybe wisdom isnt so stupid after all . milhouse , im gonna use this book to go to tunnelcraft con . heres the book im reading . when i finish this , ill have read every mary kate and ashley book . sometimes i feel like the third sister . oh . he opposed the religious right . okay , this is my favorite book ever , but no pressure . you realize saying no pressure puts me under tremendous pressure . then lets get started . not all english girls grow up in england . clara grew up in south america where she was raised by many native servants . but they were too naturally servile to oppose her will . hmm . lisa naturally what . uncle juan . would you clap as i dance . rhythm mind the rhythm or youll feel the lash . mom , whyd you stop reading . its just a little different than i remembered . lets skip ahead . a father murdered by loco banana picker , clara baptizing savages without their permission oh , okay , here we go . clara is now an orphan and was sent to live with her lonely uncle in the hills . she meets a boy named conor . like all irish , he was feeble witted and drunk . this is the part you deem acceptable . the irish are nobodys joke anymore . hoi dee toi dee . conor im goin on a hunger strike in here . so weak . so weak yah hah . another childhood classic bites the dust . is that a coolie hat . nighty night . i bet my booklight is shining on something offensive . marge oh darn it . oh heloise hodgeson burwell . why did you stop reading my book . your daughter is just the kind of girl i wrote it for obedient , well fed and white . shh . oh , calm yourself , marge . dreams are where its okay to be racist . rudyard kipling . yes . you should read my first draft of the jungle book . at the end , mowgli uses his elephants to stomp out some hindus seeking limited voting rights . all in good fun . marge , i suppose you could edit my book to your daughters sensibilities . wow . an author that wants rewrites . well , thats what makes this a dream . now the war begins . milhouse not yet . i havent finished my costume . im doing period sewing with bird bones as needles . lenny wait . why do you want me to text you when your fathers getting in the car . thats none of your business but lets just say both of us will benefit . a trombone mute . but i dont have a trombone . open the other box . oh , my god . all right , simpson , blow into this . now make it into a rabbit . all right . ralphies birthday is today , and youre the entertainment . whats going on . its like someones out to get me . i have to be focused and careful . nothing will break my concen oh . wild milk ball . bart . youre behind this . thats right . and it looks like someone is stuck in the mud . help me , boy . i will save you if you do what i say from now on starting with going to tunnelcraft con . sure . just pull me out by your sneaky little neck . just be aware that if something happens to me , mom finds out about your secret stash of drakes cakes . what secret stash . pier shipping container number . doh . i was offered a deal and i took it . okay , i give . louder , dog . okay . huh . you really think you can control me . malted milk ball . oh . okay . heres a new version of the princess in the garden . mom , youre exhausted . it takes a lot of work to take the spirit and character out of a book . but now its as inoffensive as a sunday in cincinnati . once there was a cisgender girl named clara . she lived in south america , fighting for wild horse rescue and net neutrality . lisa this new clara sounds like she starts out pretty perfect . you betcha . but since shes already evolved , she doesnt really have an emotional journey to complete . nope . kind of means theres no point to the book . well , what am i supposed to do . its hard to say . something that started decades ago and was applauded and inoffensive , is now politically incorrect . what can you do . some things will be dealt with at a later date . if at all . hey , simpsons . well see you in church . not today you wont . oh . well , say a prayer for you . dont mention my name , weirdo . dear lord , forgive that boy . he knows not what he says . what does that weirdo want now . ow . my feet hurt . theres too much cosplay , whatever that is . can we go home . quiet , you . its the two greatest tunnelcraft players of all time . those guys make awesome videos where they play tunnelcraft together . has the world gone mad . their banter is legendary . got that . yeah . go left . right . left . go right . right . dig . dig . dig . dig . cool . thats why they call me tunnel rat . im tunnel rat . oh , right . oh ho oh , awesome . what the . calm down . its me , daniel radcliffe . this is how i see conventions incognito . otherwise the fans envelope me . oh , thats ridiculous . daniel radcliffe . he knows rupert grint . yes , i do . hes lovely . oh . oh , god . what are you aah . aah . i loved him . please , can we go now . no . you wait in the poster signing line . and dont sign them yourself . ill know . milhouse , by god , if you want a ride home , you tell me what barts up to . okay . barts been using an ancient chinese book against you . i knew it . except for the ancient chinese book part , i knew it . why are you bringing me here . these professors have some very interesting news for you about heloise hodgeson burwell . meanwhile , ill sit on this chair and imagine im grading papers . ah . ah , marge simpson , the fan of burwell . we are all burwelleans . you dont mind that her books are a little grandma on the veranda . marge , burwells whole life was a protest against conformity . yeah , she never married . had no children . she lived in provincetown , mass a chu . heloise burwell is a lesbian icon . her offensive stereotypes were actually a self consciously ironic protest against her own oppression . how much of that do you actually believe . mmm most . so much to take in . how do you deal with it all . with the help of sherry . yes . sherry , bring in the hard liquor , please . okay . now you can ask me about lewis carroll . remember all warfare is deception . shut up . im trying to fool my kid . bart , son , if you dont mind , i brought a friend over . mm hmm . flanders .  . great to be here , pal o . i brought some potent grass thatll get this party started . bluegrass . chickens in the henhouse , pig is in the poke the whole dang farm feels okily doke goin up to cripple creek , swimmin fully dressed not being naked , oh , thats the best . mr . flanders . again . no siree , bart . its me , your homereeno . morning , friend till . ready to greet the day with a big ho hey . call me the pillsbury doughboy , cause im ready to roll . then lets hi diddley . if anyone can do it , its we two it . yes , indeedle , doddily okily dokily, , dokily , . oh , my god . hes even gone left handed . now were gonna take you to a movie rated r for really old and boring . oh , no , he darent . dad , please , isnt there any way to get the old homer back . well , now , bartly , why would you want that balding boob oh , i said boob . uh oh . time for me to do a turtle . ill come out when the b bombs stop flying . please , i want my dad not this horrible creature from the depths of heaven youve become . if you truly surrender , give me your halloween candy . but its march . most of its still good . fine . now , bow to your master , because you are the fool , and i , the greater fool . dad . you read the book , too . up to page five . now , come here , son , and grab some belly . aw . excuse me . these films are original nitrate prints . which means the theater has just gone up in a terrible fire . you have seconds to escape . they never tell the organist . hmm , so that film is a hundred years old . no . we shot it at my place yesterday . well , now its time to say good bye to ned and rod and todd and ill remind all you folks you should be praisin god if you dont , youll rot in hell for all eternity its all a part of gods great love he has for you and me . yall come back , now . yhear . springfield . doesnt matter which one . everyones gonna be bad . eh , who cares . im union . i told you , i am not playing an instrument . youre playing an instrument . mom , music is made by computers , not rusty metal you put in your ugh mouth . look , your mom thinks that forcing you to do music in school will somehow make you into a different person than we all know you are which it wont so just do it , or ill cut all your shorts into skirts . fine . what about this stupid thing . why dont you try this clarinet . its like the recorder , but cooler . what about this hobo guitar . at least he was wearing a tuxedo . now can we get out of here . the wi fi sucks , and im trying to click through this slideshow of celebrities who let themselves go . word is that number four is insane . and heres the form which says youre responsible for the instrument . so , if i break the violin , homer has to pay . homer has to pay . the school is lending your son an instrument thats worth . violin , you and me are gonna make beautiful music together . symphony no . by beethoven playing bart . bart . violin . if the beers in a frosted mug , youre not an alcoholic , youre an aficionado . hello , father . thank you for taking responsibility for this lovely instrument . i trust you find its music soothing . come on , dude , just leave me alone . im a good man . ive got kids . youre right , ive been too hard on you . here you go . catch . you . you . i took you into my home , and youve stolen everything from me . you know what this is . its me playing the worlds smallest violin . im free . im free . im finally free . mwah . where are you going . to do to my brain what i just did to your dreams for our son . lenny , carl and barney chug , . chug , . the little engine that could get me wasted . yeah , everyone loves the ol disorient express . moes tavern . moe speaking . what . you have the nerve to call me . why dont you delete my number from your phone , then put the phone in a sock , and then beat yourself in the head till your face looks like motor lodge buffet eggs . yeah , another prank call , huh . who was it this time , uh , anita manbone . ivan talickya . oh , i got one . john rootbeer . eh , it wasnt no prankster . it was someone i know all too well . oh , who . shut your stinkin face hole . thats who it was , okay .  . bars closed . everybody get out . get out . oh , stupid drunk breath . ah . oh , stupid drunk dog . guess ill have to order a ride on my smartphone . get in . no mints . i shouldve just called uber . hey . whats with moe . its too late for the cockfights and too early for the rat fights . hes been extra psycho since he got that phone call . i just want to oh , it sounds like that time you lit the barbecue with a possum inside . hmm , maybe we should follow him . mm , youre the sober one . call me , will you . oh , ill meet you , all right . ill meet you good . ill kill you . ill kill you , dirty mug . youve got to stop them . let me go , huh . im one loafer smack away from tearing off his whole hair system . why are you fighting with an old man . because this old man is my old man . morty szyslak . nice to meet you . you mean nothing to me . huh . all you are is a rotten old rib roast covered in cologne . you ungrateful punk . youre not worthy to walk through a cloud of my scent . i never shouldve called you . on that we agree . the saddest thing in the world is seeing a family broken apart . drunk dog . oh , i aint seen my pops for years . after he called , i weakened and went to meet him . but one sniff of eau de sportcoat , and my shoe was in my hand . how could you go so long without seeing your own father . seriously , howd you do it . it sounds amazing . yeah , well , let me explain . you know how the world sees me as a human toilet brush . bingo . well , im the white sheep of my family . theyre involved in a very evil business . illegal drugs . no , worse . prescription drugs . oh , well , not that bad . the szyslaks are mattress salesmen . eh , i know , i know . theyre like mortgage brokers without the moral code . charging people bucks for whats essentially a big bag of hay . growing up , it was me , my dad and my brother and sister . we were the biggest mattress chain in town , mainly thanks to our local tv ads . how does it . there it is . here ye , hear ye . i declare the best deals in all the land . and dont ye forget no credit no problem . so come on down to mattress king , at any one of our many convenient locations . well have you sleeping on a new mattress to knight . and cut . great work , kids . everyone gets an onion . moe but there was another reason for our success , as i was about to learn . son , your voice is finally gravelly enough for you to learn what it takes to survive in the sleep biz . bedbugs .  . these are hungarian mattress gnashers . the only way to get rid of them is to walk away from your house naked and start a new life . y youre gonna sabotage our rivals . no , . you are . you want to be a sandman , a slumber jack , a yawn jockey . this is what it takes . its the szyslak way . moe they were the competition , sure , but they were a family , too . i couldnt ruin them . you should be proud . you did a good deed . yeah , well , that good deed ruint my life . that family i took pity on , they doused our mattresses with bedbugs . the szyslak empire was ruint . soon , we were down to just a few locations . my pops never said how disappointed he was , but he let me know in his own way , by kicking me out and turning my room into a home gym he never used . my brother and sister took my place in my fathers heart . the only connection i had with pops was linkedin . thats worse than nothing . why do you think your dad reached around to you after all these years . i dont care . i dont care so much . moe , you will never have peace until you make up with your father . honey , i need you to hear this sticking your nose in moes horrible life will end badly . homer , whats your favorite movie . fast furious . and whats the theme of that movie . cars . whats the other theme . family . shes right , moe . you got to give your cars a second chance . bart and lisa is that your familys mattress store . moe no . is that your familys mattress store . no . is that your familys mattress store . no . geez , i never noticed how many mattress stores there are . yeah , you never do till youre shopping for one . then theyre freakin everywhere . that mattress looked perfectly fine when it was delivered . its not my fault you flipped it over . mr . szyslak , ive brought someone here who still cares for you . um , hey there , pops . im , uh , im sorry about shoe slapping your face and all . well , maybe i had it coming . you hittin that . can i , uh , say i am . mm mm . that must be moes brother and sister . they dont look ugly like moe , but im still feeling the ugly . ugh . that ones eating chinese food with scissors . hey , whats ugly do right doing here . he aint no mattress man . i will never forgive you for what you made dad did to you . oh , so were doing the what i done made dad did thing . because i can did this all day long . shut up , you box springs . im the one what reached around to this cesspool of disappointment . you know , to make amends . amends .  . amends .  . amends .  . theres no reason for this to come to shoes . i want you all to come to our house for a family forgiveness dinner . well be there . can i bring a bottle of something . that would be lovely . you want oxy or demerol . marge okay , the brother here , the father there , moe here no . no good . you know , when this all ends horribly , its gonna be pretty hard not to say i told you so . just dont say it . youve never been married , have you , lisa . when you love someone very much , the toughest thing is not to rub their face in their horrible screw ups . so , okay , heres a fun game . everyone take turns saying something nice about a person theyre related to . ill start . lisa has lovely penmanship . thank you , mom . me . uh , well , its admirable how my stupid father reached around to this traitor . im impressed that you better shut up and make nice with the traitor . i like that bart uh bart is he , uh can i do two lisas . dinner fight . yeah , whatcha gonna do . whatcha gonna do . huh . homer . go to phase two . twas the sale before christmas , and all through the store . all the deals were amazing on twin sets and more . mattress night low , price no payments due , but am i the only one feeling all oniony about the way things used to be . we were dressed as stinkin reindeer , but we were really a stinkin family . oh , i miss you frigs . moemarvminnie aw marge , thank you for reaching around to my family . i got something to tell all of youse . im retiring . sleepy is the head that wears the mattress crown . thats right , my springs have sprung . to my son , i give a store . to my daughter , i give a store . aw . well , good dinner , everyone . ill see youse at the funeral of whoever dies first . and to my oldest son , i give a store . wha . i buried this dream so deep , no amount of self harm could ever carve it out . aw . oh , the smell of foam off gassing . when i cross this threshold , i begin a new life . this is the first time that ive ever been carried into a store . look at me now , lady foot locker . look at me now . hey , everyone . hey , thanks for coming out . uh , if anybody wants a glass of wine , theyre on the memory foam . cletus oh . hot dang . my goodness . okay , all right , shut your , shut your faces . uh , the commercial that me and my brother and sister all made is about to air now . i cannot tell a lie . its good to be back in the mattress biz . sleep softly and carry a big discount . and now were freeing the savings . so rush more to mattress king slumber super stores , as we all welcome our big brother moe back to the family . minnie and remember , at moes location , every mattress had someone die on it . dead os on my mattresses . hey , somebody messed with our commercial . marv who died on moes mattresses . shut ins . fat people . marv and minnie and inmates . inmates . inmates . no , its all lies . come back . my mattresses are brand new . made in the finest filipino sweatshops by the cutest kids you ever saw . thats a gross a mattress . they betrayed me . stabbed me right in the hump . sorry , big brother . we saw an opportunity to knock you out of the family business , and we took it . its the szyslak way . but i i brought them together . how could things end so badly . homer dont say i told you so . homer dont say i told you so . dont say i told you so . maybe i shouldnt have gotten involved . homer dont say i told you so . dont say i told you so . why didnt somebody warn me . homer dont say i told you so . i told when my pop finds out i got played for a chump , huh , hell wish he never reached around to me in the first place . moe , im so sorry . for the first time , im going to offer you platonic physical comfort . i just cant go through with it . aw , its all right . you got closer than most . but i have to believe its not too late to reach around and fix things with your family . no , . i tried things the marge way . now im gonna do this the szyslak way . no . no . thats right , me and my family , were going to the mattresses , baby . i better go with him . to make sure i see it . oh , my god . what happened . we cut em up good . they aint so pretty no more . all this was just revenge appetizers . tonight is the main course . and im serving it up family style . theres only one man who can stop this . sir , this shirt depicts an octopus sportfishing and drinking a mai tai . its the bestseller in our retired blowhard collection . oh , yeah . i can see myself watching golf in this . mr . szyslak sr . youve got to do something . your children are tearing each other apart . no , . im retired now . let them work out their own little tiffs . does this look like a tiff . free mattresses .  . the time for leisure wear is over . mahalo , sir . moes in there , and ive never seen him this angry before , not even when he lost that angriest man contest . hes crazy . hes gonna do it . hes really gonna do it . im up here , pops . im playing with my little brother and sister . just like old times . hungarian mattress gnashers . if he releases those bugs , all our mattresses are ruined . not mine . my mattresses are safe and sound . all my enemies gnashed . its the szyslak way . morty . do something . do it . smash that jar . take whats rightfully yours . wait , what . you wanted him to dooze this . hes finally man enough to finish the job , just like he shouldve all those years ago . do it , son . everything will be yours . do it for your king . do it for your king . i cant do it . all wha .  . sorry , pops . i guess ill never live the szyslak way . oh , moe , youre a good man . and these soulless mattress jackals dont deserve you . i never thought id say this , but some families just dont belong together . yeah , ill kill ya . ph physical contact . homer i told you so . hey , this is moe s . from the mattress king . give me a call at . for a limited time only , the mattress kings got queen mattress sets for and king sets for . homer oh . are you okay . oh , yeah . im fine . thats what i was afraid was gonna thats what i was afraid was gonna happen with that damn thing . you all right . oh , im fine . you sure . messed up my guitar , though . no , im fine . you sure youre , uh no , im fine . try your arm and stuff . hes wearing leather . oh , okay . did you get it on film . yeah . all right . all right . springfieldspringfield . co . ukviewepisodescripts . php . tv showthe . springfield . i want to see a giant squid attack a sperm whale and battle to the death . i want to swim free with the fishes . i brought my lucky red swim trunks . all right , can the chatter and listen up . here we have the hideous moray eel . and over here , we have the tasty but repulsive sea bass . yuck . what the hell is that . bart . come on in . the waters fine . boy , you come out of that tank right now . do some tricks , bart . oh . stop that . it only encourages him . ah . dad , you got to see this . the simpsons the simpso the simpsons lenny oh , not again . i nailed it . i have tears in my eyes , like when i saw david attenboroughs blue planet . did you really watch them all . well , most of the first one . largo lisa . yes , mr . largo . i just want to say and i just want to listen . ralph im a tuna . you really should give up the saxophone . what .  . oh , i know . i know . youre fabulous . well , then i shouldnt give it up . i mean , what would you say if i said you had to give up teaching music . id say , hallelujah . i could go back to my first love not teaching music . we cant do the couch gag . when is lisa gonna get here . worry about yourself . why would you ask me to give up the saxophone . lisa , sweetie , im afraid this world is filled with lisa simpsons . huh . bright , talented and doomed to disappointment . what youre saying is horrible . its horrible . mr . largo , what is going on here . im trying to encourage a student to give up on her dreams . youre crushing it as always , dewey . ill take it from here . now , lisa , this is for your own good . for every yo yo ma , theres a million ma ma yos . and for every shaun white , there are a million white shauns . and for every albert einstein , there are a million herman schmidbergs . okay , so maybe ill never be great , but shouldnt i try . no . sleeping people are my canvas . thats some cutting satire , simpson . yeah . check out bill maher over here . ay , caramba . lets see . little bo peep . thatll traumatize him good . oh , i got it , the perfect one . no , not that . anything but that . oh , thanks for your input . ill try to come up with an alternative . put it on . jimbo get in there . sing like we rehearsed . the sunll come out tomorrow more pep . bet your bottom dollar that tomorrow therell be sun . sing until food fills your mouth . tomorrow , i love ya tomorrow . youre always a day away . now get the wite out . leapin lizards . hes right . i know its true . i always have . honey , ignore everyone , and listen to someone objective your mother . youre great . its too late . im quitting music . theres a microscope in there , too . you can sell it . dont give up your dream . when i was little , i dreamed about marrying a dashing prince , and it actually happened . you were married before dad . no . i mean your father . my father . so thats homer , or theres no or . you cant let someone elses opinion tear you down . i want to hear your sweet music , so suck it in and get downstairs right now . youre the best . youre the best . herman schmidberg . for the love of jazz . i cant play . i just cant . its in my head , but my hands wont do it . whats with her . woo hoo . whoa . im suffering from beer tigo . whoa . you dont have to worry about whats wrong with you . just find out whatever it is , and you can fix it . adhd . no , thats bart . ocd . no , thats mom . this ones dad . this ones dad . this ones dad . this ones dad . what is the name when you cant perform something that youve practiced four times a week since you were three .  . man the yips , named for dr . augustus yip . a mysterious psychological condition where well rehearsed skills suddenly become impossible . like all mental disorders , the yips are likely incurable . oh , for god sake . the yips . i have the yips . bart , what happened to your pupils . theyre annied , okay . marge lisa , you want to play some more . no . lisa , honey , are you okay . you barely touched your green disgustos . some nights , theres isnt enough kale in the world to brighten a girls mood . oh , thats a good one . dont you dare . okay . i have some news . my great half step aunt eunice bouvier is turning years old , and she wants us there . is this the aunt who lives in florida . its not just florida . its gainesville . i only have two weeks vacation , and i have to spend em in dullsville . gainesville . if we have time , well take a day trip to dullsville . homer , lisa and bart oh . its my turn to pick the vacation . also , she loves music , so im sure shed like lisa to play for her . stop it . fine . the simpsons are going to oh , i cant say it . gainesville . i was born in gainesville , florida and my father was a tailor and my mother ran a cafe near the university . male pilot over p . a . uh , takeoff is the most perilous phase of air travel . if youre gonna crash , thats when it happens . wait . am i on mic . female pilot yes , frank . uh , folks , you were just listening to a new play i wrote death at feet . yeah . i dont think thats making it better . well , thank you for the note , scott rudin . im sorry to announce that all our tvs are out . passengers oh . but youre welcome to read our in flight magazine , featuring an interview with our ceo hanuki atanawa . passengers oh . maybe well have one of those passenger riots that seem to occur every other day on u . s . airlines . could i get another seat . no , absolutely not . you chose an economy modest ticket . please . theyre both farting . all it would take is a single spark to set this powder keg off . passengers hey , twa . how many flights did you cancel today .  . hey , twa . male pilot over p . a . folks , im afraid due to turbulence among the passengers , we are gonna have to land immediately . looks like we will not be going to gainesville . male pilot it is pretty great , isnt it . our new destination is , uh lets see . new orleans . its a miracle . everyone wins . happy birthday to me happy birthday to me look , lisa . isnt that nice . the signs telling you to celebrate . what are you celebrating . humidity at a . dont they sound great . yep . more musicians better than me . oh , boy . youre good at cheering her up . ill take bart . whoop de . homer hmm . well , i appreciate you choosing me , dad , but i dont know how much fun ill be . i think i can cheer my princess up . i dont think you can . oh , i think i can . im a pretty tough nut . well , if youre a nut , i will crack you up . not with puns , im afraid . yes , i can . no , really . you like puns . no , i dont . i said cheer up . that kind of scares me . scary eek or scary ha . why would you say that . there is no scary ha . yes , there is . no , there isnt . what about scary clowns . nobody likes scary clowns . go to your room . im in new orleans . thats your answer to everything . homer did you know that a man can fall in love with a city . it happens slowly at first . then when you develop a crush , you find your love just grows and grows . if you like , you can take that drink on the street . even bourbon street . oh , im out . enjoy . homer and then you discover a thousand little things you love about the city . cajun crawfish . lamb tagine . grilled lamb sausage . zucchini bisque . crabmeat poboy . duck poboy . chicken sausage poboy . crawfish sausage poboy . cochon de lait poboy . turkey giardiniera poboy . roast beef poboy . alligator poboy . catfish amandine . crawfish amandine . crawfish touffe . boiled crawfish . cajun crawfish . cajun shrimp and duck pasta . fried crab cake . pecan catfish . blackened redfish . seafood mirliton casserole . fried chicken . fried green tomatoes . stuffed shrimp . muffuletta . barbecue brisket sandwich . barbecue chicken sandwich . smoky bacon greens . seafood au gratin . seafood gumbo . frogs legs . theres also a lot of historical sites . homer chicken gumbo . jambalaya . spinach artichoke . creole sweet potato pone . red beans and rice with sausage . veggie red beans and rice . pralines in cookies . oyster pralines . oyster shots . oyster patties . bananas foster . king cake . dixie cake . pecan pie . cajun boudin . boudin balls . crawfish rmoulade . shrimp and lump crabmeat ravigote . au croissant crawfish poboy . and yaka mein . yeah . okay , sweetie , daddys in love . so now well deal with your sadness . okay . its good to see you happy , dad . hold that thought . uh , my good boy , is there a vomitorium . this town is famous for five vomitoria the elegant creole vomitorium , the blues vomitorium , the traditional heritage vomitorium , the upchuck mangione museum , and the bucket over at chartres street . alert them all . would you like to look at historic homes in the garden district . historic . homes . garden . district . which of those words do you think appeals to me . okay . we could talk about your hat . it has a lot of history , too . did you know that it all right , wise guy . heres something youll like . cool . i always read better when the letters are dripping like blood . bart , you go in there , and ill pray for you in here . please , lord , please . i need to finish this , okay . all day , you had . please , lord . were a family on a budget . we just need a little relief from our demons , please . hmm . where are we . i smell pringles . youll pay . youll all pay . mom , will you pay for this . oh . now , sweetie , lets find a restaurant for you . i dont think my problem can be solved by crawfish and jambalaya . i wonder , do they have jazz in new orleans . okay , lisa , look at your hero for an hour . im gonna take a whiz in the cemetery next door . okay , who to choose . who to choose . oh , etienne de bor . i wish you could talk . man , i have been waiting for someone to make that wish . whats on your mind . my music teacher says therell always be someone better than me . well , thats not the only way to be part of jazz . well , i could be a jazz critic or a music executive . jazz critic . music executive . theyre nothing but glorified grave robbers . look what i found in one of the graves . put that back . lisa , darling , you just keep searching . you can find anything you want in new orleans . except , apparently , statue polish and pigeon poison . thank you . and may i ask you , how are things in heaven . you know that thing we used to call reefer and you people now call medicine . i do . well , they have it up in heaven , and it is mighty fine . mighty fine . so , any last advice . your father knows best . lets go to a bar . but daddys right . can i sing you out . anything but what a wonderful world please . can you sing what a wonderful world . what a horrible world . homer okay , i moved her from crying to glum . now to shoot for happy . i just pray they dont see through her fake i . d . man hmm . well , its better than his . uh huh . milhouse , anything yet . no effect . but hows lisa dealing with her depression . oh , give up on lisa . wait for maggie . oh , i dont wait . maggie likes me . still not working . whats not working . uh , barts got voodoo dolls of all you guys . theres no voodoo in gainesville . their flight got diverted to new orleans . you hackeyed the wrong sack . its working . so , has maggie said anything about me . we have a lot in common . same bedtime . we both like clapping . ow . ow . ow . come on , weve got to go meet your father . lets go . well , theres no miracle for me here . why . dont worry , sweetie . no one can see you . youre alone in the dark , anonymous . spotlight .  . what .  . lisa , would you do us the honor of joining us onstage . how do you know me . that man is my uncle . bleeding gums murphy . we called him oscar . oscar . oh . oscar gums murphy . you still play bari sax . i wish i could play for you , bleeding gums nephew , but i have the yips . oh , thats too bad . well , could you hold this while i play clarinet . now , could you give the mouthpiece a little kiss . i think i see through your simple plan . my uncle said you were the most promising young musician hed ever met . he did . it was kind of an insult to me , but he was pretty passive aggressive . so , are you gonna play . yes . i want to jam . i want to scat . i want to riff . i want to get down . oh . shes playing . you did it , homie . marge , i just realized , weve helped everyone else , but we havent done anything for you . a mothers happy as long as all her children are happy . another one , sir . no , thats not my uh , yeah . uh , this one straight up . aw . homer lisa , knock off that racket . lisa oh , how ive missed this . mr . armstrong . why does a ghost sweat . i dont know . but i would give anything for a new shirt . id also really like to be alive again . the beignet eliminates the only flaw of the donut there is no hole . well , we did it , kids . and the best thing is , the next episode will beat gunsmoke . what about all the episodes they made on radio . have a beignet . springfieldspringfield . co . ukviewepisodescripts . php . tv showthe . springfield . cant let you break my record . lenny , carl and barney okay , homer , this is the last pickled egg . keep it down and you win bucks . okay . if i win , were going out for omelets . yeah . i am the champion of this very bad idea . uh oh . hes gonna blow . hey , moe , youre not gonna serve those eggs , are you . no , . i , uh , i find another use for them . hmm . i was bucks up until i blew every egg out of my belly . oh . whoa . hey , there , pal . im afraid that was the mayors favorite light pole . you give me the car , i give you bucks and i make all of this go away . uh , this is awkward . you dont have to thank me . ugh . marge . when you start a sentence with marge , its really bad . marge , . i sold our car . what are you gonna drive . your car . oh . well , then i guess ill be riding the bus . thats right . like rock stars and rosa parks . now just wait till you see whats become of our car . feast your eyes on this . why are you showing me this . i dont get it . and im crying . lousy wrong channel . the legends of demolition derby derby are coming to springfield  . so shut up . and get your ass ass over over here here . proceeds go to stuttering stuttering . wait for it . wait for it . weve got all the demolition derby greats . vince dead tooth mcgee . james psychiatric disorder porter . meth macfarland . mysterious fandango and a very drunk billy joel . im sorry , but most of these names mean nothing to me . here it comes . and making his triumphant return to the crash zone after a full skull transplant , gene no helmet dupree . eh . my car in a demolition derby . and we got primo tickets for saturday night . look at them fan . wait , . this is the point where lisa always ruins it . no , im good with it . people get out their aggression and destroy carbon burning cars . see . ruined it . and then i noticed there wasnt any more cinnamon on top of my rice pudding . and i said , wheres the cinnamon . and they said , there never was any cinnamon , abe . fine , dad , well get you some cinnamon . i cant tolerate cinnamon . so , i started asking everyone in the tv room if they remembered the cinnamon and the answer will surprise you . the results were incon when did you get that put in . worth every penny . but how many pennies is that . homer simpson , you cant just hmm . all right , younguns . you know that movie cars that you likes . uh huh . well , all your favorite characters is gonna commit suicide here today . huh . what . ladies and gentlemen , please silence all cell phones and holster all truck nuts . and now , in conformance with the latest paleontological theories about dinosaurs , please welcome the all new truckasaurus two . i love you , steven spielberg . now , a brief moment in memory of those we lost in the past week . and now let the bash em begin . if i get hit by a brain , can i keep it . be sure to get it signed afterwards . theres our car . wow . without dads weight in it , really moves . oh , my god , this is it . only one car stands in our way . its down to homers boner and car rak obama , the affordable healthcare mobile , which you cant kill no matter how hard you try . my whole life has been leading to this one moment . oh . my chest hurts . thats called pride . my arm is numb . numb with pride . son , i need to go to the hospital . huh . sure , dad . i missed it . can you see the pain youre causing him . go on , git . im sorry to say it , uh , doesnt look good . homer , your father would like to see you , uh , one last time . i hope youve got a return receipt on that balloon . i always do . homer , theres something i need to tell you . ill give you two a moment in this , uh , semiprivate room . where is the nurse with my son , i did a terrible thing many years ago and i need you to forgive me before its too late . anything , dad . uh huh . uh huh . you already said that part . remember , you cant tell anyone . its awful . i swear . now get to the point . you didnt . okay . i forgive you . your conscience is the one clean thing in this room . well , we tried everything we could and the last thing worked . how did you save him . when a body is in too much pain , the brain releases a hormone to bring a merciful death . but an expensive new drug blocks that and keeps him alive . what a glorious day . im gonna live and my son has forgiven me for the worst thing i ever did . yes . forgiven . sir , you just destroyed a box of hospital cotton balls . thats . doh . now i want to watch my favorite new show , currently in its th season . it looks like another murder at jackson island naval base . thats what makes america great . prompt investigation of in house naval crimes . homie , look whos here . yeah , i see . oh , homer , are you a sunday puzzle . cause you sure seem down and across . my dad did something to me i can never forgive . no worse than what god did to his son and they wrote a book together . bye . he tricked me with his code blue and his flatlining . and i fell for it like a sap . what did he do . i promised him not to say what he told me , but i will never look at him the same way again . yeah , but you forgave me , so that means you have to love me . nyeah , . marjorie , im sorry , but i do not want to be in the same room with this man . im going to moes . then im going to moes . then im staying here . a gun and a sailor hat . nothing screams naval crime more than that . im going to moes . i hate seeing a father and a son sit at opposite ends of the bar cause it means i got to walk more . now come on , youse guys . bury the ol hatchet . hey , life is short . you could be killed by a drunk driver , die of cirrhosis , stabbed in a bar fight . all kinds of random bad things happen to my customers . all right , look , heres cents , huh . play the jukebox and the love tester . you heard ray charles . actually , in my jukebox , we cant afford no ray charles . its a white guy named , uh , charles ray . excellent vision , excellent vision . dad , grampa , the place were going is the perfect way to make you guys friends again . i went there for janeys last birthday party . you think you can solve our problems at a kids birthday party place . its cheaper than therapy and it comes with cake . if cake solved problems , homer would have a nobel peace prize . thats a bullcrap prize . they gave it to kissinger . welcome to the escape zone . the latest attempt to get people to save a dying mall . now , would you like to be buried alive . done it for real . how about medieval dungeon . got to be less torture than listening to him . hey . thank you . okay , you two are trapped in a dungeon . the only way out is to solve ten puzzles by working together . yeah , whatever . super . theyre just sitting there . i bet theyd hurry if they knew we had balloons . theyre moving . son , if you take this sword and stick it in that magic portal , i think it might open a bookcase somewhere . yes , that makes perfect sense . ill just homer . youre not getting out to say good bye to your dad . hes probably afraid well see how much the car lifts when he gets out . no , im not . theres only one way to make you guys understand . ill tell you what grampa told me . that was in confidence . and in this family , we keep our promises . starting now . i am telling . oh , god . oh , god . i hate conflict . then just leave your body . okay . hey . when i was growing up , my dad loved to make model world war ii airplanes . watch it , son . youre gonna break the wing . oh , now you got glue up your nose . oh . dont eat the decal . how many have you had . just leave me be . oh . i work hard all week at the model plane factory , and this hobby is my one escape . can you please watch this little monster . when he gave me to her , it was the best thing he couldve done . this is the dough . dough . yes , dough . now , i need someone very strong to roll this out . love you . she loved me . and for each pie she made , she wrote down the recipe and put a special note to me on the back . we dont know what life will bring , so on your birthday or any day you need it , youll know that your mother loved you and have reasons to love yourself . you just taught me food is love . i like myself . that lunch box was the most valuable possession i ever had . when she left , those recipes were all i had left of her . and thats the end . what a sweet story . and theres some things that shouldnt be gone into until a man is dead and cant be kicked . after she ran away , my father was furious and did something terrible . he threw my recipes off a cliff . everything that reminded him of her . he lied to me . he told me she took the recipes with her when she left . are you sure , daddy . yes . and dont ask me again till im on my deathbed . wait . why are you looking like that . if this man had those notes , his life wouldve been different . he wouldve had confidence . he wouldve had his mother with him . i wouldve had hair . homie , thats not very realistic . and i wouldve been more realistic . grampa , so thoughtless . mean old man . his slippers dont even have bottoms anymore . i never thought id say this word , but here it comes coot . homer , why are you smiling . were finally hating together as a family . what do you say we all go to that home and yell at grampa . oh , that would be lovely . now enjoy this sweet song of hate . if i could save hate in a bottle the first thing that id like to do is to hate every day till eternity passes away then end with a giant screw you but there never seems to be enough time to hate the things you want to hate once you hate them . lousy grampa . so heartless . always calls me buddy or fella . dont forget hes hard of hearing . lousy grampa . so heartless . what you did was crap , grampa . i want to yell at him first . i want to yell at him first . hey , has anyone considered the silent treatment . the silent treatment doesnt work . it doesnt work . it does not work . okay , fine , it works . it works so well . please say something . how long has it been . three months . i dont even remember a time before this . wheres grampa . he hasnt touched his lunch . or his lunch meds . my beloved family oh , boy . ive learned an important lesson , never get things off your chest . which reminds me of a gal named chesty lazar . she ran a speakeasy on hawaii right before pearl harbor . pearl harbor was the name of the lady who bought the joint digression crazy talk ah , heres the end . the point is , confessing dont really make you feel better , cause it dont redo the bad thing you did . so im gonna undo what i done if its the last thing i do . hmm . mm . oh , no . hes heading for that cliff to look for those recipes . im gonna find him , save him , and tell him i cant wait till he dies . leave me alone . im gonna find it . dont do it , dad . most is forgiven . wait , whats your rope tied to . hmm . hmm . oh , my god . please be okay . please be okay . oh hmm . dont worry , son . this will give you all the rope you need . dad , no . i love you . mom left , but you were there . cranky , a little drunk , sometimes not there , but you were always there . oh . you love me . thats all i need to hear . good thing i also threw out your mothers bed when she left . i can still smell her perfume . and ive got the recipes back . huh . oh . theyre gone , just like mom . im sorry , son . its okay , dad . life doesnt always give you neat endings that tie everything up in a bow . mmm . this pie is fantastic . its what i imagine eating great jazz would be like . always with the jazz . it tastes exactly like my mom used to make . exactly . excuse me , how the hell did you get this recipe . it was a miracle , actually . years ago , this place wasnt doing well , possibly due to our location under a cliff . i went out to contemplate my fate when suddenly , like a gift from god , the recipes came . id never seen such recipes , such brilliant fruit combinations and such beautiful messages on the back . those messages were for me . well , then you should have them . everything tied up in a bow . whats it say . it says , uh your father is an okay guy . aw , thanks for telling me . thanks for buying it . mr . simpson , based on your budget , i am afraid theres only one car on this lot you can afford . you know this car . do i . aw , i thought thats where you were . geez , whats wrong with her . springfieldspringfield . co . ukviewepisodescripts . php . tv showthe . springfield . totally worth it . again . marge dinnertime . dad , are you gonna watch the solar eclipse . sorry , but this is pork chop night . others oh . lisa ah . way to go , god . huh . aah . my eyes . i told you to use the cardboard box . i thought you meant for standing on . marge , you gonna eat that piece of burnt gristle . no . whoo hoo . homer . did you pour fry pan grease into the milk carton . yes , but its not for just a splash for my coffee . i wanted to watch the eclipse with you . i can only imagine what youve got planned for date night tomorrow . date night .  . marge , if were still dating , why in the world do we have these kids . what . hmm . hey . you need to make me feel youre as smitten with me as you were when we met . marge , darling , you mean as much to me as the sun and the moon . there was an eclipse of the sun by the moon , and you didnt even walk outside . come on , marge , you cant be that mad . uh oh . marge wants a date night this saturday . you think youve got problems . im really not liking this new bar mix . this saturday . is she crazy . thats when we spray nitrous in the ant farm and watch em go nuts . yeah , heres a taste . stupid ants . maybe i could have a date night here . sure . ill make it nice . take the paint cans out of the ladies room , just like the waldorf hysteria there . i dont know what to do . i want it to be perfect . ive spent so long ignoring how she thinks and feels . yeah , . its a real crotch  there . you know , moe , a lot of what you think youre saying , youre not really saying . well , i got to admit , ive been doing a little of this nitrous myself . oh . stupid ants . my funny valentine sweet comic valentine you make me smile with my heart your looks are laughable . aw . you didnt have to do that . that and much , more . huh . huh . corkage fee . dollars . corkage is the sum we charge for opening the wine you bring , sir . bucks to open a box .  . i mean , nothings too good for this lady . play the violin . i am just a waiter , sir . i said play the violin . after dinner drinks . i feel like mrs . remington steele . con te partiro paesi che non ho mai i want you . i want you . and i want you . only you . oh . oh . oh . what the . oh . sweetie , i i think youd better see who it is . homer , i know its late and youve got your keep out , flanders sign up , but , uh , im sorry , i i im feeling mighty low , sir . marge who is it , homie . its stupid no one . flanders . whats wrong . marge , its date night . thats a made up thing . flanders mmm mmm . lukewarm water . if i close my eyes , i can pretend im at the dentist . afterwards , ill grab some flintstone vitamins and try to knock myself out . half a bamm bamm should do it . ned , what happened . im out of work . the leftorium is no morium . hey , ned . i cant hack it anymore . you want to buy my side of the kiosk . ill get all the people coming out of sears . but i got squat . people are getting all their southpaw sundries online . all i was getting were right handed college students who wanted to experiment . dont worry , ned . homer will tell you how to get a job at the plant . i will . yes , you will . because its date night . you said that wasnt a thing . lets not fight on date night . oh , all right . call the plant and ask for human resources . oh , thank you . and as a reward , you get my famous cocoa . now , i assume the two of you will want a cup . make my next one a double . i cannot be your head of human resources one more second , okay . with the verbal abuse and the physical abuse , and the lying under oath . and especially this . would you like to be the new head of human resources . to quote my pet turtle , shell yes . not so fast . you may have to give me blood from time to time . yes , sir . my bloods like my attitude b positive . excellent . isnt this great . were carpooling to work . so i can see you in the morning , at work , in the evening , and in my dreams , thanking you for saving my life . look , ned , were just driving together . i dont want any iddlies , diddlies , neighborinos or oopsy doopsies . okily dokily . heres another suggestion no talk , just music . oh , sure . thats why i brought this cd of christian favorites , magical ministry tour . pray , heart and soul stick another dime in the poor box , baby . maybe we should talk . well , of course , my friend . want to talk about jesus . no . want to talk about ecclesiastes . no . want to talk about baby jesus . pray , heart and soul stick another dime and ill pray with thee . lets crank it up to six . burns youll notice on your paycheck , weve adjusted for desk rental and electrical power usage . isnt this a power plant . as defined by the irs , we are a religion . and that is the last question youll ask of me . i will break you in one day . now were gonna do a little role playing with smitty and jacqueline . smitty , pretend youre greeting her . uh , have a good one . okay , stop right there . a good one , what . an unspecified object is the devils wordplay , so i say , come and go with a hidely ho . what a wuss . i can hear you . did you help this wuss get this job . i just told him who to call . and you didnt put in a good word . no . you idiot . a recommendation from you wouldve sunk him for sure . okay , what happens if i touch her . mm . go ahead . hey , good work today . this hardly seems fair . your behavior is obnoxious and offensive . youll be working for me in a different capacity . hmm . what are you doing , lisa . making an art project . you color very neatly . thank you . prides a sin . so is snitching to god , rod . im todd . i think . homer . homer . hey , . homer , you were sleeping at work . i had to mop up your drool . homer leave me alone . to beef up team spirit , i thought id form a little prayer circle at lunch . um , if you pray at lunch , arent you interrupting gods lunch . finally , someone thinks about god . um , todd , do you have anything else you can do . can i pray for you . ugh . if you do it silently . dear lord , let lisa avoid the cleansing fire foretold by the council of nicaea before they got leprosy . thats not silently . you have such great hearing . i miss milhouse . i knew if i switched from white to dark socks , things would start happening . uh , you wanted to see me . i happen to know your father didnt die . look , ned , you have to learn the way things work around here . people cut corners . you have to let things slide . let me repeat . sorry , homer , i cant cut you any slack . i owe it to you to help you achieve your potential . maybe you could help get me another job at the plant . one where you dont have to show up , like safety inspector . but you are the safety inspector . then i should really return these things that have fallen down my back . they look like gummy worms , but theyre not . i cant take it . i cant take it . why cant he be like our neighbor on the other side who we never see . whats the matter , homie . oh , no . no . no . eh . oh , lord , its homer simpson . i forget . are you seven hours ahead or behind . whatever . i really need your help with flanders . could you please get him fired . i feel you . thanks . oh , i reached him . so , looking through the records , i discovered this company has never given anything to charity . in fact , it looks as if weve actually taken money from charities . ned , would you mind if i brought a few associates into this meeting . well , no . youre fired . nice boy , nice boy . youre welcome to keep any radiation that seeped into your bones . speaking of charity , call the orphanage , smithers . we have some leaks in our pipes and need tiny hands to plug them . uh , they said they wouldnt send you any children , sir . they have to say that . i want to thank you , homer . youve been a true blue friend . can we talk about something fun . i now weigh more than fat elvis . well , i know i got one advantage you dont . i got homer simpson in my corner . um , ned , i have a confession to make . now dont go turning catholic on me . i cant . i dont fit in those booths . ah , dont worry about me . im sure theres a job out there for a bob jones university grad who majored in teaching and casting out demons and who speaks fluent aramaic . hmm . wish mr . burns didnt send these home with you . a word to the wise dont be cocky . dont say you can lifeguard if you cant swim . itll come up , believe me . one , two , three . one , two , three . make sure you keep at least five bibles between you . oh , dont got crazy , patrick swayze . time to put baby in the corner . mm mm, , . you cant pose for your cover photo like that . much better . ned , would you like to say grace . heavenly father , thank you for the blessing of being tested , losing my wife , losing my second wife , losing four jobs , and losing at blackjack to bart . chips , so . ill finish grace at home . can you do that . yes , i can do that . oh , god , now the apologies are gonna start . i apologize for my tone of voice , and for the things i said . and now , as penance , i will get that skunk out of your birdhouse . i dont care what you say , marge . we got to help him . i want to help him . good , . the ice queen begins to thaw . oh , lord , give me a sign youre still with me . mm . poor ned . it really helps to eat your feelings . ive got it . i know what job ned can do . well , go tell him . he goes to bed in five minutes . ned , . you should be what jesus was . a carpenter . no . fisherman . no . foot washer . no . wine creator . no . water walker . no . superstar . no . dashboard ornament . no . a teacher . i think you should be a teacher . like jesus . lord , should i do it . and you shall receive it . hes looking right at us , and hes not doing a thing . duffman hates duffmankind . oh , yeah . up in the morning and out to school the teacher is teaching the golden rule american history and practical math you studying hard i promised i wouldnt cry on his first day of school . lets play the frozen game . so , rub a , kids and their sub . lets be friends , shall we . kids teacher , you must quit . you cant teach us math or lit . theres no mercy in the bunch . we will make you leave by lunch . martin prince . were you in on that poem . oh , they paid me . a gigs a gig . well , sir , im not scared off . i got two little wild things at home . now , who can name the state capitals . a dingus . well , in that case , im the biggest dingus in the world . okay , then , lets give mr . flanders a room f salute . simpson , take the kill shot . why me . prove your loyalty . my loyalty to what . to peer pressure . bart simpson , i know you weve been fishing together , weve gone to church together and if you can fire that spit wad after our long relationship , i dont deserve to be a teacher . aah . oh . last lesson , kids . f is for foolish and failure and flanders . you win . yes . look , what is your deal . do you like me . do you want to be like me . lisa , i have something to show you . what . i made you a little house . theres me praying . theres you at the computer . i made you a saxophone out of dried macaroni , and the crackers on the roof theyre solar panels . todd , i had you all wrong . youre a wonderful kid , and im happy to call you my pal . so glad i have a friend . im really sick of my brother . okay , thats enough . whats the matter , homer . i think i ruined flanders life . bart join the club . what are you doing here . i come here for a gt gumball and talk . here you go , pal . listen , youve got to apologize to flanders . why dont you apologize to flanders . youre the one who prayed for him to get fired . what . he should apologize to me , because he well , he makes me feel so damn guilty . all right , ill apologize , too . whats she doing here . hello . shes my designated driver . hey , fellas . what brings you here . we came to say were sorry , and we want you to go back to teaching . oh , with all ive been through , ive never questioned my faith until now . you spit wadded my moustache , boy . i think you could be a great teacher . almost as good as her . thank you , son . remember , if you can teach one kid one thing , then today will be a success . she never gave up . neither will i . great . now , this counts as a parent teacher conference and a christmas concert . well , thats all well and good , but i got to get those kids to respect me . do people respect god . no , they fear him . its never personal , just business . just leave everything to me . listen up , children . if you push hard enough on the pudding skin , theres a tough cup of vanilla beneath . now take your seats . how you gonna make us . i wont . the good lord will . haw huh . the scariest thing is we dont have a class skeleton . truly , god is the biggest bully of them all . kids amen . now , nelson , im not gonna ask you to stand and read me a list of state capitals , but the good lord might be pleased . albany , annapolis , atlanta , augusta , austin , baton rouge does the lord hear the bell up there . yes , son , he does . thank you , bart . i knew deep within you , there was a good boy , and i respectfully request that those be the last two pranks you pull . you know it , man . flanders wow , theyre quiet . im reaching them . edna was right . milhouse hmm . does that cute school nurse know that im alive . because last time i left her office , i was legally dead . sherri i have to beat terri to a training bra . bart i wonder how much i can sell maggie for . hamster im starting to think this wheel doesnt go anywhere . springfield . jam . okay , . the only explanation is im still asleep , dreaming that the house is flooded . what does it mean . what does it mean . it probably means youre under a lot of stress because this is not a dream and the house is flooded . doh . cowabunga . marge oh , my god . this is horrible . although , i do like the sofa better where the waters carrying it . how did this happen . homie , i dont like where the painting is . maybe youre upset about something else . are you hungry . why dont you make some pork chops . fine . now can you hang the painting . always with the painting . marge perfect . wait , no , its not . try again . mm . no , split the difference . see . when you listen to me , we make a great team . its almost like i can hear the ocean . i guess were both at fault . in a way , thats refreshing . do you want me to apologize anyway . id be happy to . aw , no , thanks , sweetie . homer hmm . well , either way , im sorry . okay , now , when we try to sell the house , no one mention the water . just tell me you paid the insurance . you mean that bill thats floating right there . its not due till tomorrow , so relax . my origami project . dont worry , sweetie . well have a funeral for it . gil all right . i ill just pull up your policy . alt control aw , damn it . kate . kate , can you get in here . its a different generation that knows how to work these things . enjoy . eh , the kids , huh . they just know how to do it . now lets see here . youre in luck . the policy i sold you covers the full replacement value of your house . we also pay for six months temporary housing . now the bad news your policy is the only one ive sold . it just cost the company a bundle , and im gonna lose my job . gee , sorry , ol gil . thats okay , i got options unemployment , suicide . when one door closes , a coffin opens . eh , what am i saying . i dont make coffin money . but now i got something to work towards . thats right . kate , can you tell me how to charge a cell phone . whoa , so wall holes make things charge . whats next . there are some nice airbnb options on the westside . oh . huh . huh . mm , id feel kind of weird sleeping in the bedroom of someone i know . everything okay with the room . youre not supposed to be back from your vacation for three weeks . its not a vacation . my dad is doing seasonal fruit picking . come on , milhouse . i need you on my shoulders to reach the high apples . and i dont want to be in a room where guys walked around with their dinguses out . no . no , dont imagine that . so , son , uh , word on the street is youve come into some money . yeah . i was wondering , you know , uh just hear me out ive always considered you a friend , and oh , no . no , . this is the most precious kind of money there is unearned , and its mine . and youre not getting at it just because you need a bigger tv or a room with a window or an operation . you need an operation . whats the matter . if its all the same , its embarrassing , and id rather not discuss it publicly . really . what could it be . look , its important to me and pricey . what could it be . pane in the ass . hands off . i need professional help . not to worry . this is the united states . we have the third best health care system in north america . hi , medicare . i mean , hi , every money . can i speak with the doctor alone . of course . oh , wait , im the doctor . thats why i wear the heart listening tube . ba boom, , . that never gets old . whats taking grampa so long in there . its crazy that medical costs are so high here . in denmark to pick a country at random health care is free . free . honey , nothing is free but splendas . in denmark , they make everyone pay high taxes . even rich people . yes , and they get free health care . its called socialism . socialism . but all my radio loudmouths tell me to hate that . that doc cant do nothing for me . you know , if grampa was in denmark and he had an accident , hed get medical care for free . i cant go to denmark by myself . i get lost in the middle of a sentence , and that was the best pie i ever had . wait a minute . what if we used our insurance money to take a family trip to denmark . why would we want to go to denmark . it is the happiest country on earth , in poll after poll . i got your poll right here . hey , youre right . homer , youve got the vacation coming . weve got the money . its settled . were going to denmark , and grampa will get fixed . well , homer , looks like marge is the boss in your house . well , i say we dont go . but we need to go . im desperate . fine , well go . that womans got you right under her thumb . danish man none of these were chosen as the name of our airline . danish air . excuse me , sir , the no smoking sign has been illuminated . sorry . the flight attendants are so sweet . we will be landing in copenhagen shortly . if you have been designing and building furniture during the flight , please apply your final coat of varnish now . hey , i got things done , too . grampa what the .  . soren denmark , the jewel of the baltic . first class schools , sleek furniture design , energy independence , and brooding tv dramas about teenagers getting killed . thank you so much for renting my apartment . its so efficient . please allow me to give you a tour of copenhagen . wonderful . but first , a nap . no , homer . you slept on the plane . you slept through customs . you slept on the bus . how can you sleep now . dont you hear copenhagen calling . take a message . the people here are so openly affectionate . why dont we all hold hands . are we supposed to interlock fingers or not . cramp . cramp . dads hands are covered with jam . i cant get it off . grampas hands are too rough . lisas hands are too soft . just keep holding . oh , dont worry , the government will pay you to learn this social skill . uh , homer , you are holding your own hand . theyre fighting over a danish . soren created in the little mermaid is a world famous icon of denmark . no , the little mermaid was created by disney , right before he created spider man and star wars . this is the real little mermaid . and she was a very tragic figure . what about her buddy , the crab . there was no crab . he was the only funny thing in it . got that right . oh , my god , its wonderful . more people biking than driving cars . yes , its rush hour , so people are taking the bicycle superhighways home . uh , how crowded are your bicycle superhighways . well we dont have any . but how many people ride bikes in your town . the paperboy , till dad hit him . sadly , the one headline he couldnt deliver . wait a minute , wait a minute , stop the car . what . its danish for speed check . fart kontrol . i apologize for my husband . in our language , that sign means something else . yes , i know . im speaking to you in your language . non danes do not qualify for the free health care . but if you injure yourself in denmark , a danish hospital will treat you for free . i cant believe the government puts this out . for free . excuse me , you dropped this . lisa , this is prince christian , second in line to the throne . i play the tenor sax . oh , no , here it comes . the fantasy about becoming a princess that no girl can resist . bart , get out of my fantasy . ah , geez , i saved your life . how about a youre welcome . can you imagine how exciting it would be to live in this city . oh , mom , we could try it for a semester . do you know how long ive wanted to live in a celsius country . theres boobs on the billboards . and were here in the worlds most perfect amusement park . their national anthem is so beautiful , and they dont get to war until the second verse . and its in a range you can actually sing . there is a lovely land with spreading shady beech trees near salty eastern shore near salty eastern shore . bart and lisa are getting along . this country is calling to us . homer , can you take the daring step of doing nothing and staying here . there are big reasons why we cant live here . im okay with nuclear power , but wind power . frankly , it sounds dangerous . excuse me , white trash . is this the kind of country you want to live in . no , sir . i meant we separate our trash by colors . this country is still lovely because blue is the lake wind i cant believe youre talking about leaving springfield . thats where all my friends are . look , everyone , we came here to rip this country off , and thats what were gonna do and then go home . fine . lets find a place that has good smorrebrod , or maybe some morbradbof or flaeskesteg . women do love this country . homer , do you think im handsome . well , yes . i was gonna mention it . i am a danish four . im an american nine . how could my family want to stay here . in america , we have great tv channels , like bbc america , and a factory for cheesecakes a factory . your enthusiasm makes me want to follow you there . foreigners are no longer welcome . all right , dad , no more fooling around . time to get you in the hospital , so we can go home . hello . how was your day . eh . this country sure is safe . well , last week , an older tourist had a bad fall at kronborg castle . of course , kronborg castle . why didnt i think of it . probably because i never heard of it . tour guide dating back to the th century , kronborg was immortalized as elsinore in shakespeares hamlet . isnt it beautiful . yeah , the castles okay , but the keep is , like , meh . and ill tell you something else great about here . youve been walking so much , youve lost weight . im down to my pre pregnancy weight . homer , in this most beautiful spot on earth , i have to admit to you , i really dont want to go home . i dont either . lets stay . think about how happy wed be here . its healthy , its clean , its incredibly civilized , and everything is done in moderation . youre not describing a country . youre describing everything thats the opposite of me . everyone here speaks perfect english . probably gonna be around in five years . its just a nice place and we like it . all i ask is that you think about it . maybe shes right . maybe we should move here . tubby or not tubby , that is the question . whether tis nobler in the mind to gobble the wings and nachos of outrageous portions , or just eat fish and end them . ay , theres the rub brisket rub , memphis rub . oh , the rubs ill miss when i have shuffled off from buffalo . mozzarella no . im an american , and weve got to get back to america , the greatest country on earth , to . this is the famous holger danish , our sleeping king . all right , dad , here we go . theres nothing more american than a slip and fall . whoa . hold on , son . before you push me down these stairs , i have a confession . the procedure i need isnt a surgery . i just need to remove an old tattoo . you made us come here because of a stupid tattoo . its not just any tattoo . mom . no . mona malloy , who used to iron my shirts . of course its your mother . i cant go to my grave with this hanging over my heart . why is it guys like us are always disappointing the women we love . i would ask mona , but shes spending eternity hating me , from her pit in hell . i miss her , too . her greatest skill was making people miss her . hello . shes talking to you . mm , ill talk to someone my age . excuse me . i felt compelled to meet you . ive never met a man with empathy so deep he weeps in public . oh , yeah , i cry , i blubber . sometimes stuff comes out of my nose . well danish men never reveal such emotion . theyre like cold , flawless gods . look , lady , im a married man . im a married man . shh . im a married man . here , marriage is not such a sacred institution . danes are very free sexually . perhaps its because we are more sensitive to each others needs , or just because were all so freaking hot . now let us dance our traditional dance of passion . okay . do you know the danes eat more ice cream than any other people . yet their rate of heart disease is oh , its their number one cause of death . well , look where we got it . well , that never stopped your father . ill just text a picture of you right now , eating the ice oh , my god . marge . where are you going . where will i ever find another man like you . hi , were the kiwanis club of cheeseburg , ohio . oh hio . i must confess to you now , every couple that has airbnbd my apartment has broken up . then how did it get so many good reviews . they like the big apartment cat . oh , i do like it . oh , let me scratch your chin . hes so chubby , i just cant take it . marge , honey , im so sorry . we shared a dance and a fish , but thats it . i understand . its fine . so youre coming home . no , im not . i want to stay . i dont know for how long , but i feel so alive and free . ive stopped wearing a bra . that means theyre just one fabric away from the cool scandinavian air . sorry , homie . were not leaving . well , the kids cant just replace me . hes so cozy . he can sleep with mom . can i get you a beer . dad , wait . mom says you can take these home with you . its a bag of bras . and i just learned how to unhook these . oh , my god . what am i doing . i should be having the time of my life in this airport security line , but its nothing without marge . son , i got to tell you something . youre making a huge mistake . i know . i let stubbornness ruin my marriage , and all i have to show for it is an old tattoo . go back to your woman . you mean the one in the bar . first the one in the bar , then marge . no . just marge . marge . you missed the flight . marge , baby , wherever you are is home . im staying in copenhagen . im glad you came back , but i was kind of rethinking living here . why . the toilets in the shower . the washing machine wont even hold one pair of your underpants . and you see how dark it is . its in the morning . well , that was a nice day . i think im ready to go home . you got it , baby . well ditch this paradise and never come back . what about the kids . i heard the schools are really great here . im out . i want to stay , but no one ever listens to me . so were all united . yay . whoo . but i cant help thinking im forgetting something . sir , those birds were already fed by the state . you are overfeeding them , which will kill them . when life gives you lemons , you make lemonade . all aw . so how much do we owe you . nothing . in denmark , we have socialized tattooing . and with that , our country is out of money . good bye . springfield . no electricity . doh . hardest test in the world . whod want to do that . oh , hey , bart . what you doing . they say this one single test can tell if youre a genius or not . huh . looks pretty simple to me . it says only one out of every people has the spatial reasoning to solve this maze . elon musk and angela merkel both got perfect scores . angela . angela . oh , if youre so smart , lets see you solve the maze . let me at it . okay , got through the first one . next ones a little harder . just gonna focus . you passed the test , genius . epic sister fail . you better not post that . and post . you scared me and denied me a genius test . oh . well , when you got an opportunity to prank , you gotta take it . gotta take it . and the likes are pouring in . whoa . sideshow mel retweeted it to all his boneheads . krusty are you almost done . you have your office . this is mine . i dont know how , i dont know when , but i super know why ill get revenge on you , bart simpson . will you be wearing my underpants when that happens . ew . and post . post . post . post . unpost . unpost . homermargebartlisa the internet is down . i dont know the score . i dont even remember whos playing . okay , no internet . we can do what we did in the olden days , when i was a child . you better not be suggesting a board game . im not playing anything with you ever again . okay , fine . no board games . homer dumb . useless . piece missing . so flammable . okay , look , the tv still works , and i know weve seen all our dvds a hundred times , so this could be the perfect time to break out daddys vhs collection . classic moments from a time when people used to tape the shows they loved , then never watch the tape again . family matters . it certainly does . the tracey ullman show . well , ive had my fill . saved by the bell . the hit show that launched no ones career . now for the simple task of hooking up the vcr . okay , i need to connect magenta to magenta , set the tracking . marge , did i record these in long play or extended play . whats the difference . long is shorter . gross . the remote has a cord on it . my first remote . coincidentally , the same time i got fat . what is that noise . its rewinding . listen to it speed up as it gets closer . all oh . well , that was fun . good night . no , now we play it . ri cola . i used to love that commercial . remember when i went as the horn for halloween . ri cola . lets get physical , i want to get physical no worries . we just have to find a vcr repair store . ill look online , which i cant because theres no internet . damn it . lisa , solve this . ive solved enough puzzles today . well , flanders network is working . maybe we could ask him for the password . you cant just ask someone for their password . thats rude . come on , boy , lets go borrow his router . how come all our father son activities involve getting a tv back on . what about the time i watched you get out of that thing . you mean when i was born . that was fun . if i die before i wake , i pray the lord my soul to take . amen . thats right , boys . think about your possible deaths as you go to sleep . now lets look at my plans . whos this ladder made for , babies . doh . youll have to climb it , boy . im a little scared . scared . what do we give you those meds for . so you can do less parenting . babysitter in a bottle . now , climb the ladder . so beautiful . almost there . you just need to go up the last rung . thats not a rung , its the top . the top is a rung . no , its not . let me check on google . we dont have internet . maybe if i keep refreshing , itll come back . refresh . refresh . refresh . refresh . refresh . refresh . oh , this is pointless . refresh . refresh . refresh . oh . no . refresh . refresh . refresh . marge you guys need jackets . no , were fine . doh . marge the internets back on . hmm . doctor , is he gonna be all right . millions of volts coursed through his body . but it was the amps that really messed with him . but he should be fine . according to his chart , barts had more comas than hes had hot breakfasts . well , i cant cook every morning . until he recovers , just talk to him . lightning victims are highly suggestible . your kind words could turn his coma into a trip to hawaii , or a golf excursion to st . andrews , which is where im heading now . well , when you got an opportunity to prank , you gotta take it . gotta take it . but youre in a coma . fine , ill get revenge . youre gonna see dragons with pools of blood . oh , right , you like that . okay , scratch the dragons . youre gonna see the one thing everyones afraid of death . and dead people . thats right , buddy . singers right and left and right and right and left right , its barts unconscious brain . okay , bart , your nightmare begins . whoa . what happened . how long was i out . maude flanders . i thought you were dead . i am . sweetie , were gonna get something to eat . you want to come . id rather stay with bart . in fact , id like to stay with him all night . such a sweet girl . so sweet . aw , someones not happy . you know , that sign should be unnecessary . id better cheer him up . im going to add to your dream the worst thing i can imagine . let me see . let me see . wazzup .  . milhouse . whats going on , bart . are you into god now . i always was . look at those abs . the secret is less loaves , more fishes . i dont believe in some dopey religion . this is to keep out ghosts . oh , this looks just like my first apartment with ned . im never leaving . milhouse , have you ever been haunted . once , my hamster died and then came back . actually , my parents bought a new one and thought i wouldnt know . then my dads check bounced , and they repod the hamster . youve got to talk to me , bart . leave me alone . leave me alone . the power of homers socks compels you . maybe you could use this , my therapist . if you see him , can you give him this . dont tell him i forgot to bring it back . hell say i kept it to get attention . i dont need attention , dr . sam . i knew it was milhouse . i knew it . whats on your mind , son . im scared to say . youll toss me in the loony bin . bart , these days , there are no more loony bins . all those people are on the streets . so how can i help you . ive been talking to a ghost . i know , you think im the nuttiest kid youve seen . oh , please , i cant tell you what a relief it is to not be talking to milhouse . are you allowed to say stuff like that . no , but screw it . my mom found my dads other cell phone , boo hoo . so you dont think im crazy . no . take a look behind the couch . youre dead , too . yeah , i killed myself five minutes before you got here . why would you kill yourself . oh , i want my patients to think its all their fault . oh , if youd been on time , you mightve saved my life , but , you know , whatever . why is this happening to me . i dont know , but you have a gift . you can see the dead , bart . why am i waiting for a bus . i can appear and disappear whenever i want . and its late . eh , thats far enough . and , bart , you can help us ghosts move on to what comes next . by telling your family you love them . uh , which family . ive led a complicated life . no , to move on , i need you to get revenge on dr . morton , with whom i share the office . what have you got against him . he wont shut up about his tesla . yes , just as smart as i always thought i thank you , bart . now i can move on . uh oh . wow , helping him felt really good . help us , bart . help us . settle our beefs . beefs . please help me get vengeance against all jet engines and then i will go to hell . didnt anybody finish their business before dying . all i want to do is return this hatchet . fine . okay , i want you to whack johnny tightlips , ice fat tony and put a hit on joey doublecross . who wouldve figured hed rat me out . ow . yeah , . next . you cant keep ignoring me . um , doctor , shouldnt he have woken up by now . yes , he should . unless someones been telling him bad things . what do you mean . anything negative someone says could do permanent damage to his brain function . it could even kill him . but you said hed be fine . i said hed be fine if you told him he was at a dolphin encounter on maui . but those dolphins arent fine . they try to kill themselves . i said hed be fine , not the dolphins . oh . oh , no . oh . bart . bart . im sorry . im so sorry . ill watch everything i say . i had to walk nine blocks to get this . i am dead . dad , no . nine blocks . i am dead . dead , . dead , . ugh , finally , you get to me . yeah , whats your unfinished business . revenge , against the man who caused my death . hey , t shirt, , . fire . oh , a bobby pin . you mean the guy who invented the t shirt guns . no . the guys who built the stadium with a really low back wall . no . you , for standing up . no , your father , your stupid , father . you know , some people grow when they die . not you . see you , guys . that was fun , getting every answer in jeopardy . wrong . hmm , all that saying good bye really made me thirsty . mmm . hmm . nelson maude flanders says hello . hello . lets move . oh , thank you , bart . im finally at peace . you know , ned remarried . he what .  . well , thats it . all the ghosts have been helped . except one . dad , you werent supposed to die . it was , it was just supposed to scare you . oh , dont worry . patricide is just a part of life . oh , your vocabulary really goes up when you die . dad , im so sorry i killed you . its cool , i feel no pain . oh , i was wrong . it feels worse than in life . get away , you stupid cat . doh . oh , i cant believe youre dead . but at least i can still see you , while i help you with your unfinished business . well , i wanted to lose some weight , but im light as a feather now . all thats left is for me to go into the light . you know how much you hate walking . stay with me . stay with me , bart . stay with me . oh , homie . its not your fault . you were doomed when they started putting cheese into pizza crust . whats next , plugging swiss cheese with cookie dough . peanut butter and hot dogs . why isnt anyone writing these things down . i cant watch this . im gonna go check in on moes . i dont know whats wrong . i served them lager . uh oh . i should go , son . i leave this world without a care , knowing i raised two great kids , plus the one who murdered me . no , bart , you have to stay with me . no , dad , you have to stay with me . no , my time has come . man was not meant to live beyond the age of . you have to stay . if you leave , mom will marry someone else . i want her to be happy . and someone else will raise your kids . sucker . and someone else will ride your mower . that bastard . still , its time for me to move on . oh , my god . its so beautiful . dad . why you little life saving, , heaven can waiting . bart , im so sorry if i was ever mean to you , because even though you started it , you sorry , im past that . i love you , and i want you back , bart simpson . bart lisa . ah . hes awake . thank god . lisa . have you been by my side this whole time . i have . were you putting those bad dreams in my head . yes . can you teach me how to do it . i guess . and can you help me put dad in a coma . no . oh , man , this is great . but how do i know this isnt a dream , too . because youre not wearing the sweater . oh , yeah , of course . wait a minute . how did he know about the sweater . bart , did you see anything else when you were under . just how were all gonna die . want me to tell you . not really . well , im gonna tell you anyway . ouch i have lost myself again lost myself and i am nowhere i knew it was a sandwich . yeah lost myself again and i feel unsafe be my friend hold me wrap me up unfold me i am small im needy oh , my god . now i realize , this has all been a waste of time . and breathe me be my friend hold me , wrap me up now im the evil king . unfold me i am small im needy warm me up and breathe me . springfield . springfield . ow . hola . simpsons time run , dont walk you might even hear maggie talk bart the boy and a dog named homer and jokes written on signs its simpsons time . yay . what a beautiful day for a family stroll . tell that to my aching back . its not a family stroll homer forgot where he parked his car last night , and now we have to find it . what a beautiful day to be in denial . yeah , bart . who cares . the sun is shining , birds are singing people are staring up at the sky in terror . do you see it , lisa . theres nothing there . and thats where lard lad used to be . oh , looks like we better file a report with the bureau of missing statues . yeah . be like that time that rodin statue got stolen . what was the name of that statue again . eh ah , let me think . um thinkin . yeah , still thinkin . still thinkin . uh , either we can fan out and search , or bunch up and riot . oh , balderdash and poppycock . i say we do not riot . all riot . all dont . riot . dont . riot . and thanks to the equal number of nonrioters , the total cost of the damage is zero dollars . homer , were you in that riot . marge , please . im a leader in this community . brockman in response to the outcry , lard lads parent company , tianjin mining and smelting and donuts , has issued the following statement we are rebranding lard lad with an updated statue . oh , rebranding . that just means admitting failure , dad . oh , admitting failure . people of springfield , please welcome mr . i know im gonna mangle this lee fong . uh , actually , its pronounced robert chan . and now , please welcome the model for the original lard lad , mr . laird lad . a lot of crazy names today . ladies and gentlemen , i give you lard lads bold , focus grouped, , new look . that doesnt say donuts . that says management overthink . the thinker . that statues called the thinker . what . what are we on now . what . people , lets give the new statue a chance . when the eiffel tower was first built , many said it was a steel monstrosity . it still is . fine , but maybe this will grow on you . aw , this thing sucks . i dont think so . well , at at a certain angle its beautiful . we love it . thats beautiful . you fools . youve erected a massive concave reflective surface . it will focus the suns beam in a deadly ray . yeah . yeah . oh . uh . hey . quimby first off , id like to thank the good people at tianjin smelting and mining and donuts and tarps for neutralizing our wonderful , deadly , new lard lad . yeah , thats great . theyll grow back . the time for mourning and blaming our mayors hasassed . we will rebuild . we will rebuild . all we will rebuild . we will rebuild . we will rebuild . we will rebuild . we will rebuild . i guess theres only one man we can turn to . supergirl .  . so youd like me to save the town . well , youve got gumption , ill give you that . and such an adorable baby , it really restores my faith in the , uh smithers , where is the damn trapdoor button . mr . burns , you already trap doored us from your upstairs office . yes . and how was your fall . painful . unexpected . oh , yeah . worst ive ever had . oh . really really pulled something . totally painful . did not see it coming . excellent . so remind me what i was saying no to . funding repairs to the town . but if you could do even one little project . reducking the duck pond or fixing up the springfield bowl . the springfield bowl . very well . i will rebuild this town on one condition . forget it . our desperate plea is nonnegotiable . i want to put on a variety show at the bowl . a celebration of everything wonderful about um , whats the name of this town again . springfield , sir . yes , i will destroy springfield . celebrate , sir . springfield has risen from the ashes like a phoenix . thats phoenix , the mythical bird , not phoenix , the cultureless , mars scape of the southwest . our unlikely angel , the devil himself , c . montgomery burns . thank you , kent . and dont forget the open auditions for my springfield follies . this year women may audition , too , with permission of husband , father and pastor in writing . burns next . un bel di , vedremo levarsi un fil di fumo puccinis a little well trod, , dont you think . this isnt right . this isnt how it was at all . i remember that night so vividly . monty , time to go on stage . yes , mama . your little butterscotch drop wont let you down . aw , whos candy . yous candy . oh , im gonna lick you , my sweet little lolly . who likes mommys licks . monty likes mommys licks . lickity , lick . oh , . oh , ho , . oh . oh , ho , . but the butterscotch soon turned to bitter squelch . i want everything just as it was back then . the stage filled with children like those from . high spirited, , snaggletoothed , and willing to work hours a day . skinner over p . a . attention . an old man is prowling the school , looking for young children . please , perform for him . watch me make this nerd disappear . ta da . also , haw haw . excellent villain . and my cast is complete . ill just save the list and samson himself could not pry open these jaws . can i help you , sir . oh , women arent meant for clasp opening . young lady , if theres one thing i know about show business , its that there are a lot of clipboards . how would you like to be my assistant director . hmm . and ill be perfectly positioned to find out exactly what mr . burns is really up to . im in . and if you need another act , i also play this . theres no room in my show for adolphe saxs vile sounding o phone . do you ever say anything in a simple way . shut up . well , that was clear . hey , homer , are you sure we havent let the plant slip with mr . burns gone . smitty , as a wise , old man once said , out with the old and in with the brew . thats enough . but i havent started my act . muntz , what have you got . a rabbit in a bag . oh , a promising magic trick . no , its my lunch . bah . youre all incompetent . i wont go through this a second time . second time . is there something youre not telling us . a vast amount . and what part of what ive never told you dont you understand . mother , what is that sound theyre making . well , its called laughter . youre a laughingstock , charles . oh , its awful . this show isnt good enough . no show could be good enough . its not . what are you doing . da da . getting ready for monday . im gonna fill a super soaker full of lemonade , carls gonna fill one with iced tea , and were gonna arnold palmer lenny when he walks in . arnold palmer lenny . youre going to arnold palmer lenny . yeah , you see , arnold palmer was a golfer and he made up this drink where its not a full glass of lemonade or a full glass of iced tea . instead homie , im worried about all this silliness at work . youre the safety inspector . im a safety inspector . not the . ive never seen another . what wait , one safety inspector . for the whole nuclear plant . thats insane . put everything in the car and get out of town . ill find you , if there are still roads . sweetie , all youve got to do is be responsible . your friends consider you the leader because youre a little taller . hmm . wow . wow . with above average height comes above average responsibility . marge , thank you for setting me straight . youre welcome . okay , i want to open this show with someone being shot into a cannon . youre joking , right . well , because , see , thats impossible . gah . oh . everyone , little miss nitpick hates the show , so im shutting it down . this was an act . now its just bullying . thanks a lot , lisa . we were getting out of school for this . well if isnt the little girl that made a billionaire cry . may i please speak with mr . burns . no , hes very busy . wont you please come back and do the show . shant . oh , that bell has quite the recoil . oh , what is bothering him . and what were those weird lines around his eyes . i know . its such a tragedy on that beautiful face . come here . well , theres only one explanation for those lines , lisa . hes been watching something on the mutoscope . so , if i play this , ill know the answer . mm hmm . it , uh , costs a nickel . so this is what made mr . burns the monster he is . burns within days half of america was cranking to my bottom . i think youre trying to make up for what happened to you then by putting on a perfect bowl show now . spare me you amateur psychology . oh , i saw my father decapitated by a grain harvester and now i cant enjoy wheat . bohoo . mr . burns , i want you to listen to that crowd . do you really want to let those happy , joyous people win . smithers , locate my dickey . weve got a show to do . i was gonna clean my room until i got high oh , i was gonna get up and find the broom but then springfield nuclear . yes , sir , ill alert the workers that the pizzas are here . oh , yeah , here he comes . the life of this party . who wants to get back to work . man what . we are a public trust . we bring power to peoples homes . lightbulbs , toasters , and thats all i can think of . now lets buckle down . okay , homer , just let us get our microwave popcorn out of the core . youre only supposed to do that when were watching a movie in the core . thank you , thank you . well , thats the easiest time anyones had parking at the springfield bowl . dont you laugh at me . now , enjoy the show . god always liked you best . no , god loves everyone equally . thats wonderful news . enough of your tomfoolery , todd . lets sing . both michael , row your boat ashore hallelujah michael , row your boat ashore hallelu say , sockie , who was that lady i saw you with last night . that was no lady . that was your mother . oh , shell date anyone . why wont she give me a stable home . haw haw . um , this is just a simple twins trick . they pulled the other twin out of the tank behind the curtain . wait , that wasnt part of the show . no . no , its not fair . i was good . arnold . palmer . fantastic . what a finale , eh , mr . burns . childhood trauma cured , huh , . that wasnt the finale . maestro , golden slippers , if you please . oh , boy . we cant let him make a fool of himself again . no , mr . burns needs to do this . oh , dem golden slippers oh , dem gold ow , the burn . oh . mr . burns cant take the impact of that many photons . those light shining fools . ow . ah . oh , for a murder of crows to pluck out mine eyes . you . this show was your fault . well , youd better know this , mister . this town has my back . and hey . where did they go . how did people leave so fast . um hey . want to see me do a cartwheel . always had trouble with those . oh , i cant stay mad at you . at my age , i cant stay anything at anybody . oh , and you know what . the laughter in my head is gone . go ahead , blow your german kazoo . yes , sir . smithers , tap my foot for me . with impatience . now , lift my arm so i can check my watch . oh , you really should start doing some of these things yourself . dad , why do simpsons always fail . oh , sweetie pie , its a terrible curse that goes back centuries . no , . dont answer that . man we just need a place to stay for the night . oh , shouldnt we help them . hey , in zero bc , you cant trust anybody . curse them , mary . you curse them , my water just broke . please . youre telling me that really happened . they looked just like us , didnt they . tha tha all , folks . shh . springfield . ugh . im too fat . still too fat . ugh . come on , sir . youll be late for your appointment . hush . no one must know im not in perfect mental health . the kaiser would be furious . hip joints . who wants a hip joint . eyeballs . cant see without your eyeballs . euthanasia . sweet , euthanasia . oh . can i buy it as a gift . no . mm . hmm . come on in , monty . i believe last week we were discussing your anger issues . anger issues . anger issues .  . anger issues . anger issues .  . yeah , all right , im afraid our minutes are almost up . sorry . you were saying . monty , i give up . after only years of therapy . youre never gonna change . you you will never have this . a cheap piece of plastic with photos of ugly people . that is my family people who love me . yes , youre right . i should consider encasing people in plastic . then i could always see the look of fear in their faces . yeah , were finished here . get out . may i remind you im paying you five dollars an hour . oi . why did i lock in at that rate . what . hmm . no pulse . oh , wait , thats me . dead . so sad . he was a true friend . mm hmm . excellent . i cant believe dr . nussbaums dead . um , weve had a lot of therapists . which one was he again . he was the one who helped us communicate . you never listen to a word i say . i have to listen all day at work . youre not listening now . im listened out . what . listened out . not listening , not listening what does that even mean . lets hear what the children have to say . im gonna wet the bed to get their attention . homer not listening youre the one sleeping in it . i didnt say id wet my bed . please , marge . do we have to burden dr . nussbaum with our problems . maggie talk . the man has problems of his own . maggie talk . no one listen . maggie never talk again . thats not what happened . thats exactly what happened . i believe i remember what happened , marge . how could you remember . you were looking at your phone half the time . when you have four bar wi fi, , you use it . oh , look . its the ugly people from the cube . rabbi uh , if we can begin . oh , of course . oh , this man meant a great deal to me . and helping out with the cost of this service was the least i could do . very sweet . smithers . for shame . stoned at a funeral . oh , wow . wheres the funeral . oh . just what i wanted . just get me home quickly . and this years nobel prize for physics goes to professor john frink . frink ah , thank you , queen sonya , and all the people at hbo the , uh , higgs boson observatory . youll see there . oi . oiven . i i didnt mean to hit him , sir . well , how could a man in his right mind miss a car heading right towards him . man idiot . i think its this headpiece hes wearing , sir . if i may ask , what makes this device so enchanting that you ignore the real world . is there a milkmaid skipping rope . oi . gloivick . the oculus frink or froculus provides you with a complete virtual reality experience . letting you live in a world of your dreams . goi . to adjust the focus , turn the dial on the side . oi . now for the after party . i must have it . oh , uh , can you drop me off first . hmm , not bad . next . this is still a new technology , sir . at the moment , its really just lots of pornography , a roller coaster , pornography , burger king ad , pornography , and this one . dragon porn . oh , yeah . oh , yeah . oh . oh , flame on , baby . flame on . hot . hot . dont tell my wife , okay . smithers oh , sorry , sir . this one is also pornography . oh , so boring . trim those nails , smithers . uh , sir , if i might suggest , the last thing your therapist said was , you need a family . i dont need anyone . we could program a virtual family for you , sir . a virtual family . yes . meanwhile , let me see the one again where i shoot the beloved lion in africa . that was reality , sir . mm . ive lived quite the life . quite the life . oh . uh , we only need three children , thanks . oh , what kind of coal mine you runnin . you , wife , look at me lovingly , as if im your husband . eh , can you ask for a look of indifference . i think she can do that . luann , pretend its my birthday . next . you promised me a job , dad . i was gonna buy a fat barbie . its curvy barbie . and that would mean you have to buy all new clothes . uh , this thing says all families in the plant are required to try out . so far , so good . two and children , wife with current hairstyle . youre all hired . except you , fatso . we dont need a father . ill be the rooster in this henhouse . that is so disappointing . ive always wanted to work for mr . burns . okay , family scene . and action . this isnt a word i use lightly , but excellent . oh , smithers , one favor make the children look like theyre mine . no , . its too beautiful . like a supreme court full of scalias . switch to something else . burns thats good . whats the matter , homer . last night , marge and the kids didnt get home till at night . when i came back from moes at they were still taking off their coats . i hear old man burns is just living in a fantasy world now . en garde . mm , must be nice . hey , there he is . wonder what hes watching now . home movies . happy birthday , dear burnsie happy birthday to you and maybe more . thank you , thank you . now , your mothers going to take me upstairs to give me her present . burns oh , smithers , could you remove the ankle bar . more . more . more . oh oh , that was wonderful . im picking up your ten year options . ten years .  . oh , now , no discussion . were a family now . ugh . what is that . a river otter . were not coming home , homie . what . what do i do without you here . you can do what you did with me there go to moes . aw , its not the same if im not trying to avoid some unpleasant chore . oh . you could clean out the attic . going to moes . eh , no one to go home to , huh . yeah , take it from me , thats rough . yeah . heading back to an empty house . no one there to tell you what to do , no kids fighting all the time . wait a minute . i can eat dinner in any room of the house . and not the scary ones like the basement and barts bedroom . and i can drink at home . whoa , . youre twisting my words there . that would be cheaper . and i wouldnt have to drive . and you are kind of mean . no one calls me mean . moe , youre proving my point . here we are talking , and you pull a shotgun on me . but theres never any bullets in this . watch . ha . good gag , huh . bomp , i feel free bomp , i feel free i feel free bomp , i feel free bomp , i feel free bomp , i feel free bomp , i feel free bomp , i feel free bomp , i feel free feel when i dance with you we move like the sea you , youre all i want to know i feel free i feel free . mmm , does that turn you on . oh , yes . thats hot . the perfect temperature . ah , snoopy knew what he was doing , all right . woman how you doing . aah . dont worry , ive seen you naked plenty of times . i live in the house behind yours . i dont think my wife would like this . hey , i got a boyfriend , and youre not my type . flanders could you both keep it down . im trying to count pennies . stupid flanders . flanders oh . you made me lose count . homer , it looks like youre out of beer , pal . wow , can a man just be friends with a woman . here are some pretzels . yes , he can . aw , dont worry . ill fix that . have one . im celebrating . my boyfriend proposed . wow . youll get to enjoy the most magical part of married life the beginning . mmm so , uh , wheres the lucky guy . gone for the weekend . hes an airline pilot . maybe he and i can go out for beers before a flight . mm . wheres your wife . uh , shes staying at this billionaires house , working as a virtual reality actress . you know , the usual . oh , homer . somethings going on with homer . my spousal sense is tingling . mom , you blew the take . okay , thats it . ill direct . and ill show you how a pro does it . you , daughter character , say you love me . i love you . like you mean it . i really love you . once more , with feeling . i really love you . blech . this girl has no chops whatsoever . the existence of my chops is not for the likes of yo to ascertain , my good sir . would you like some eggs with that ham . whoa , . looks like the old make out kings got a new queen , huh . guys , were just friends . its purely catatonic . platonic . that means shes into me , but im keeping it cool . i like you , but thats not what it means . sure , right . here you go , the antipasto , to share . both oh . would you fellas like to join us . when did salad get so awful . kale ruined everything . youre just like a guy . youre funny , you like to eat crap . if i may get personal , whats your bowling average .  . oh , my god , youre my best friend . and thats all . just friends . eh , we shall see . there is one test for a romance that never fails . enjoy it . that is not a love . this is the best were friends , no one has any reason to get upset , and no one gets hurt . to no one getting hurt . smithers smash cut to marge . look , monty , our daughter , the president , is delivering her speech . excuse me , do i ever get a joke . keep rolling . mr . vice president , madam speaker , chinese overlords , years ago , our forefathers , and foremothers burns stick to the script . oh , you try to give direction to a bunch of land apes who arent worth the ping pong balls stuck to their untalented asses . idiots . mountebanks . featherwits . poltroons . saint francis himself would vomit with rage . okay , you heard him , people . that was great , just a little more energy . sir , i know youre getting frustrated , so we recorded some future scenarios . yes , lets see what life will be like when im old . im going to build homes for the homeless with my boyfriend sean , then its off to vassar in the fall . irish boyfriend . helping the homeless . well , every family has one black sheep . lets move on . how did this happen . dont you take that tone with me . a harvard man . i was warned thered be nausea . i dont need them . my life is perfect . my life is perfect .  . my life is perfect . have you seen my canadian penny . oh , darn it , darn it , darn it . everyone out . youre all fired . having a family is the most meaningless experience i could imagine . try acting . mm come on , kids . im taking my bathrobe . theres a dye pack stitched in . jokes on you . i like this better . oh , go ahead , take your robe . but youll never work in single viewer virtual reality family melodrama again . did you see the guitar lessons sign on the telephone pole . i took a tab . no , im not gonna take the lessons , i just needed to blow my nose . oh , my familys here . gotta go . hey , guys . its good to see you . hmm . good to see you . who were you talking to . my friend julia .  . like a girl . shes not a girl . shes three years younger than your mother . now , marge , its cool . all we do is share our deepest thoughts and feelings . mm hmm . kids , could you leave the room , please . faster . geronimo . marge , its nothing . shes just my new best friend . what the why are you mad at those eggs .  . they didnt do anything . homer simpson . after all ive put up with for all these years , if im not your best friend , what is this marriage about .  . okay , youre my best friend . shes just somebody i call when im mad at you . i mean , im never mad at you . well , sometimes im mad at you . a little bit . but i shouldnt call her . i should just drink it off at moes . youll never hear the name julia again . hi , im julia . neh . i just wanted to introduce myself and tell you youve got a great husband . ive got a nice bicycle , too , but i keep a lock on it . i have no interest in riding your bike . but i want you to know that your bike loves you as truly as a bike can . and , marge , i love you as much as that bike . you are the bike . wha .  . im im sorry . im sorry . apparently , you didnt do anything wrong . but im not wrong for getting mad at you either . marge , julia taught me lots of stuff that could help us . for example , i realize that when you see me doing something stupid and you dont say anything about it , you know , and youre just being nice . thats true . and when somethings bothering you , sometimes i should just say , i understand , instead of trying to fix it . because all you really need is someone to know what youre feeling . that is really , lovely . i have to confess , i did see him naked on the roof . i did , too , and i was at feet . now for the final fantasy . oh , my love , my love , losing you so young , so beautiful . still no jokes . i love you , and how . youre too good for heaven , man . excellent . welcome , monty . id like to take a selfie with you . all right , but just one . hmm , its not plugged in . bomp , i feel free bomp , i feel free bomp , i feel free bomp , i feel free bomp , i feel free bomp , i feel free bomp , i feel free bomp , i feel free bomp , i feel free . springfield . whats the holdup in there . pot pop pies . a pie for bart come on , put them down already . a veggie pie for lisa why do you have to describe everything . a baby pie for maggie . the pies know who theyre for . a dog pie for santas little helper . what . the dog the dog before me . now , be sure to cut it open first so the pie has time to cool . im done . i know youre in a hurry to go to the bar to watch football , but first i want you to put the kids to bed . everything after the tornado was a dream . the end . announcer going into halftime , its springfield atoms boston americans . oh , come on , we cannot lose again to those no good boston cheaters . i i cant stand that pretty boy quarterback . thinks hes so handsome , just cause hes drop dead gorgeous . the only boston wins is because they cheat . listening in on our teams headsets , fattening our cheerleaders . you know , for three games last year , boston used a volleyball painted brown . that was never proven , you springfield screw job . ugh , boston fans . in town for the dennis lehane book tour . go kiss a kennedy , you rule  breaking cranberry squeezers . we dont cheat . we won division titles in ten years , fair and square . you dorks are just jealous of all our championship rings . all mwah . mwah . mwah . mwah . mwah . youre the one whos jealous . i only wish i could be as jealous as you . geez , jay , this place has got more knobs than a hardware store . i hate this town . so dont i . friggin doorknobs . automatic . both mwah , . announcer its fourth and long , the americans last chance for a miracle . come on , springfield , put it away . were gonna win one . were finally gonna win one . announcer the qb handsomely takes the snap , sexily steps back to pass , and with god given good looks , fires it downfield . but theres no one there to receive it . nice pass . what a first ballot hall of loser . announcer but the ball is caught by the americans mascot , flappy the flag . flappy running unopposed into the end zone for a surely illegal touchdown . throwing to the mascot . after further review , flappy the flag is listed on the americans roster and reported eligible . the result of the play is a touchdown . announcer once again , the americans found a way to win . oh , thatll put a smile on coach bonderchucks face . oh , not again . they cheated . you cheated . did not . you got to cover the mascot . use your noggin . play smart . flappys on the roster . on the roster . on the roster . on the roster . on the roster , my butt . once again , those boston cheaters think the rules dont apply to them . and theyre so smug about winning . if i ever won anything , i wouldnt be smug about it . id be class all the way , like mark harmon pure american elegance . i tell ya , the next boston fan i see , im just gonna lose it . lose it so hard . and what the what is how could that hat . your head . that team . my son . hey , dad , caught the game last night . tough loss for your guys . guess we just wanted it more . oh , am i in the right house . because no one in my house would ever be caught dead wearing boston americans gear . dead . i feel ya , homer . sucks to be a loser . unlike the six time mega bowl champion boston americans . mwah . ring , . give me that hat . ol . your father never could resist an ol . eh , hell run out of steam soon . get in . look around , son . this is your hometown . and the springfield atoms are your hometown team since when we stole them in the middle of the night from portland . what kind of life can you have here as a boston fan . see . why are you wearing that boston hat . this is atoms country , bro . i would pluck out my own eyes if i did not have a call back for a web only olive garden commercial . theyre just trying to hat shame me . face it , dad , boston is the bart simpson of cities . all those awesome southies in the departed , those are my people . people . the dog and the baby are your people . it all goes back to the boston tea party , a prank so kick ass it started a country . come on , pal , what do you say . just lose the hat , for your old man . nope , i think ill stick with the bad boys . get it off before god sees . oh . and the people from boston are so obnoxious . they think their stupid city has the best everything bands , comedians , chowder , their so called cream pies , which are actually cakes . and theres why dont you let me take your mind off your problems . and whats with aerosmith . thats not how you spell arrow . the oh . do your job , homer . bart , youre my son . theres no neck tattoo so crass , no gender reassignment too ambiguous that i would not love you . which is why i must show you the error of your ways , even if it means dragging this family all the way to hell . a vacation to boston . no , not a vay cation, , a hate cation . where you experience the worst a place has to offer , and then say , told ya . hate watching, , and now a hate cation . why cant everyone just enjoy things they like . because things you like dont fill you with delicious , rage . hmm , im gonna love this trip . im gonna love it right in your face . thats it , build it up in your head . high hopes just make the hate cation stronger . youre crazy . boston cant be that bad . ive never loved hating anything so much . move your garbage car . i got to get to the packy before the bs drop puck . told ya . see , boy . notice how bostonians arent exactly ugly , but theyre not sexy either . homer , your negative attitude is ruining this hate cation . so , what to hate first . the freedom trail . the touch tank at the new england aquarium . oh , that could blow . i want to go to southie . that part of town has the towniest townies of any town . you think your bostonians are so great . watch as your beloved hooligans tear your innocent father limb from limb with just the slightest provocation . listen up , you clam gargling tea tossers . fenway is a terrible ballpark . dad , dont . out of my way , ladies . youre blocking my shot . the seats at fenway park are too narrow , and many of them face center field . its not charming , its a teardown . the bobbleheads . theyre tippin . kid , mind the cart . the what . the cart . the cot . cot . no , dont struggle . it only makes them bobble harder . they keep coming . bobblehead steven wright , bobblehead aimee mann , bobblehead bell biv devoe . the vibrations are killing him . dont worry , sweetheart , im a doctor . im also a doctor , kid . mm , so many doctors . hes got a pedro lodged in his airway . hell be fine , maam . and because of our states super socialized health care , no matter how much your husband abuses his body , someone else will pay for it . what a relief for women with hot tempered, , accident prone husbands . oh , yeah , we got a whole surgical center for injuries from falling off icy roofs and gutters . both oh . while the doctors pull tiny bruins helmets out of your skin , lisa and i are going to explore the hub on our own . remember , this is a hate cation . you better go someplace bad . isnt mayor quimby from somewhere around here . people are so fit here . everyone looks like theyre in a financial services ad . free sunscreen . so progressive . do you vaccinate your children . of course . but not stupid progressive . whats that buzzing noise . its its nerds . theyve got every recognized species of nerd . a jester hatted ferret preener . a wild west afarian . a magic the gathering . oculus rifters . yo yo guys . yo yo girls . a chain mail ping pong player . so much education . if they did a real housewives here , it would be a total snooze . ah , its like heaven for people who dont believe in heaven . homer what the crap is this bs . what . i thought youd want to try candlepin bowling . hey , mccarthy , nice half worcester . get bent , mcdonald . a lot of wood to work with out there . boston . they even found a way to mess up bowling . just try it . eh , all right . none of the usual pain in my knees , back , wrist , shoulder , neck , and chest . one pin standing . story of my life . whoa there , pal . dont forget your third ball . hold on , wait . wait . hold on . wait . what . this is candlepin bowling . you get three . hmm . hmm . three balls . i see it all so clearly now . what , dad . what is it . this regional bowling with its one extra roll has knocked my misguided hate into the gutter . mwah . i like boston . dad , you and me are real father son southies , now . just like ben and casey affleck . son , show me everything this town has to offer . oh la oh la oh la oh la you know , for a cake , this boston cream pie isnt so bad . look at them . so innocent . not bart , but go on . homer , i never dared dream about living somewhere that values education , with great health care , and everyones outdoorsy but still pallid . if it werent crazy , id say we should be raising our kids here . but no . no , . thats crazy . is it . but i never thought you , of all people honey , this could be the chance we never thought wed get . the chance to knock down all of lifes pins . are you saying what i think youre saying . i am . fate is offering us a third ball . do you mean it . are we going to move to boston . i knew i didnt pay this months mortgage for a reason . we did it . we really did it . we made a life change . i love these colonial quilts on the wall . now , i can take a nap standing up . check it out , kid . this movies my life now . you want to rob the harvard coop . why dont we just break into fort knox . these snobs think mass ave . belongs to them . its our ave . whoa . i got to get one of those x necklaces to kiss . this is all happening so fast . can we really afford to live in a city with a symphony and a pops . dont worry , baby . i have a line on a sweet safety inspector gig . very sweet . homer can i get a test on batch six . im finally living my dream of never not being around batches of candy . and unlike the nuclear plant , if i screw up , no one gets hurt . are you sure we have to go to school here . i sort of thought id go straight to running numbers for the irish mob . our school is in the heart of what they once called the combat zone . the combat zone . yes . combat rules . bart charter what . heres my classroom . the teacher is doris kearns goodwin . today , we explore lincolns suspension of habeas corpus , using dried macaroni and pipe cleaners . huh , now to get sent to detention . thats where ill meet my future bank robbing crew . ha . how do you like them marbles . bart , we have a place for kids like you . bring it on . bart kids singing . what the hell . like you , these kids are gifted with exceptional energy . which theyve channeled into a cappella . im shipping up to boston whoa . departed . these are the bad kids . theres not a wahlberg in the bunch . ive never felt more like i fit in . people think bostons all southies and hooligans . but its really teachers , ph . d . students , doctors , innovators , philanthropists . its like living in a giant classroom . and every day is a new test . theater . colleges . culture . oh , pauly , if you could have known that boston was gonna turn out so wussy , you never would have warned anybody . listen , my brother , and you shall see , this is a town not for you , but for me . hey , but what about grampa . he lives a thousand miles away . great point . nobody tell him where we went . bart , you havent touched your clambake . whats wrong . this place is all p . c . brainiacs and subaru owners wearing fleece vests . its nothing at all like the departed . oh , honey , i know its a big change . but someday youll understand that providing our family with a better life something ive never been able to do . is the most important thing in the world . weve been given a third ball . lets not throw it away . same to you . no one likes feeling out of place . thats how i felt back in springfield . but i sucked it up for eight years . now its your turn . yes . finally . a southie crew pulling a job . i finally took that spin class with miranda . i was sweatin so friggin hard . hey , try this pressed juice , kid . ginger , cayenne wicked cleanse , pal . come on . donny , tommy , these solar laptops for rwandans aint gonna donate themselves . its time for me to ship out of boston . what a gorgeous day . i hope it never ends . so dont i . you know , guys , ive picked out the perfect boston activity to help celebrate our move . oh , a parade . not just any parade . homer the boston americans . crowd bonk . bonk . bonk . its a state holiday because the league overturned the coachs suspension for using magnets to affect the coin toss . pretty cool way to celebrate our new hometown . right , dad . as a bostonian , i definitely support my team . hey , bonk . can we get a picture . hell to the derrr , little bro . come on , homer , put on the hat . i can support my hometown team without putting on a hat . hats go on your head . if youre gonna live in boston , you got to wear the hat . okay . you did this on purpose . my future is at stake . so dont is mine . just a hat . you can do it , homie . think of the candlepins . this is our extra ball . a better life . derrr . stupid cheaters . you cheat , you flip out when people say you cheat , and everybody knows youre nothing but a big bunch of cheaters . you made us leave that lovely city rather than just put on a stupid hat . it wasnt even fitted . i just couldnt wear the hat . well , im still mad at you . i never even got to experience one of those boston winters everyone raves about . come on , baby , we could never escape our problems by moving somewhere else . our problems are who we are , not where we are . well maybe . the traffic was pretty annoying . not to mention the unspoken racism . it wasnt that unspoken . at least someone in this family is happy about where they came from . oh , dont worry , lisa . youll get back to boston someday . what are you talking about . i never left . im in boston now . welcome home , lisa . class is about to start . eh . im shipping up to boston shipping up , shipping up im shipping up to boston shipping up to boston , whoa im shipping up to boston yeah shipping up to boston whoa . departed . springfield . because in america , everythings way too early . see . all aah . sideshow bob . aah . one of you guys . frank grimes .  . who . im the guy who hated you . hated you . died from my hatred of you . good old grimey . to the point , we are evil geniuses who somehow lost every battle weve had with homer simpson . what . so we decided to form this furious four . bob , seriously , man , one suggestion . shut up . i mean , the baby is already asleep . aw . enough . time for revenge most sweet . uh wait a minute . i thought you said furious four . i did . revenge . but first we dance . will nobody stop these people . ah . in hell they make you watch them all in a row . hmm . lisa we didnt have much in springfield , but we always had water . then the rivers dried up , and a drought of chicago cubs proportions began . attention , friends and neighbors . as you know , i possess all the remaining water . why do we keep reelecting this guy . to take your mind off your troubles , i will sponsor a no holds battle to the death among our cutest children . makes sense . what sickos want to see ugly kids die . one child from each neighborhood will be selected to compete as their champion . the last child standing in a pile of his fallen chums will win a day of aquatic fun at my personal reservoir . good luck to you all . what a feeling hes wastin water like a tucson swim up bar while im bathing with a dogs tongue here . okay , sweetie . ive hidden a bunch of weapons in your suit . uh , mom , i can barely move . well , i could use a new look . hmm . hmm . you just died . who are you . they call me homish . im your coach . huh . its hard to believe you could coach anyone . if you dont think i can , try watching just a few of the hundreds of movies with characters like me . also , i sober up in the middle with no difficulty just like real alcoholics . welcome , children . the games will begin in ten seconds . do not step off your pedestals before ralph before what . whee . what , . what did i miss . oh . the only thing i want to kill is your sadness . my name is pita , like the healthy bread . my name is also peta , like the animal rights organization . did someone order two dead kids . you can come out now , homish . homer what about all the birds . that was me . wait a minute , we dont have to kill each other . now you tell me . people of springfield . we have the power . with all our new fighting skill , we could topple burns . or we could do it peacefully at the ballot box . ned , that noggin of yours is just what we need . to the reservoir . freedom . right in the back . like the coward i am . all yay . were saved . aw . ah , we really should have left it in the reservoir . it was all for nothing . were doomed . hmm . rain . rain . were saved . well , it could be worse . oh , god , me and my big mouth . oh , i just donated the winter clothes . im a god in this reality . sure , why not .  . ready or not , here i why . why did my best friend have to die . i mean , its a great college essay , but its not worth it . so sorry you lost your best friend in such a cool tragedy , lisa . since youre interesting now , you can be our best friend . really . that would be so we now bury sherri and terri , survived by their brothers , jerry and larry , and their father and mother , barry and mary . and now some light remarks by comedian drew carey . there was some sort of mistake . i thought i was doing a microsoft event . man , whod have thought a funeral for a couple of kids would be such a downer . everything seems big to a child , lisa . but in a few weeks , losing three friends in two days is something youll laugh about . and im here for you . really . think of me as your best friend . ms . mancuso gluckman . lisa simpson , you are the prime suspect in the murders of two normals and a twin set . well , . well , look what we have here . well . this matches what we found on the lawnmower and the picture in the therapists office . sparkle nail polish . but i only wore that with rachel . whos rachel . and tell me its not a computer acronym like repeating algorithm for calculating hotel come on , lou , help me out here . no , . you got yourself into that acronym . you can , uh , get yourself out . lou stands for lousy , obstinate , um uh , help me out here , lou . i had no real friends . so i played with my imaginary friend , rachel . we did it all together . i was maid of honor at her imaginary wedding . but then i outgrew her . and i never saw rachel or wore this nail polish again . thats a nice story , kid , but , uh , were keeping our eye on you . only invisible killer i believe in is god . well , im not afraid to be around you . hello , best friend . no , please . why did mom double wrap . how could you do that . you tell me . i came from your brain , where your darkest thoughts live . shut up , shut up , shut up . i didnt do it . plastic wrap doesnt lie . except on the box , where it says easy tear off . hey , lisa , lets gossip about boys . isnt milhouse so cute . oh , of course , he suffocated . my mom was so right when she said i didnt need you anymore . oh . oh , i see . so , nosy old marge was the reason you you moved on from me . oh , no . shell kill mom . what do i do . you can keep quiet and let me get you out of here . bart . you came to save me . actually , i deliver little bags to guys inside . dont know whats in em , but theyre sure glad to see me . come on , lets go . yo , could you please keep it down . some of us are trying to shiv . tell ralphie i wont be home for dinner . uh , tell him that dinner is the meal at the end of the day . uh , tell him the end of the day is when the sun goes down . tell him oh , thank you , thank you . aah . god , those have so much drool . come on , we got to save mom . come on , imagine a motorcycle to get us out of here . my imagination isnt that powerful . you imagined a girl thats killing everyone in town . good point . where do i sit . safety first . and it runs on pony smiles . oh , man , you ruin everything . lisa rachel , no . why cant a real person like me this much . im going to kill everyone you love . and theyll blame you because nobody else can see me . i can see you . because i am incredibly wasted . hey only my childhood imaginary friend can save me now . sergeant sausage , you came . i love you . rachel , you must understand the thankless role of the imaginary friend . when the child matures , you cease to exist . i dont take orders from a hot dog . uh . no , cut slits in me first . aah . aah . aah . rachel , you have to go . i can turn you into the worst thing you can imagine your mother . no . youll be sorry , lisa . im the truest friend youve ever had . ill have friends in college . and youll be married to a dentist . well spend every vacation with my parents . ha , . you think your dad will pay for college . now whos imagining thi and now its time to lay my good friend to rest . at least his life wasnt in vain . actually , as an imaginary friend , i can never die . get in my stomach . okay , yes , sir . violence never solved anything . dont use math on us . ah . were gonna kill you , simpson . and book the funeral in a huge church so it looks empty . yeah . can i help youse gentleman . just get your broom , old man , and get ready to sweep up some broken boy . and make it snappy . i rather wish youd a hadnt a done that . you idiot , now youre trapped here with us . idiot . ow . sorry . i should have used a coaster . you know were only right . come with me . whoa . i didnt know the pool table could do that . halloween show money . yeah , you see , kid , it turns out the guys you thought were wastin time in this bar were actually covert agents helpin to save the world . so , how did things go in prague . oh , quite well . i canceled a few czechs . weve had our eye on you since your father our best man died . they said he died jogging , but i never believed it . smart boy . he was actually killed by our greatest nemesis . we need you to take his place . but im just a kid . we all of us have special abilities . all these years ive been pretending to be the idiot bartender while actually im this super genius guy . now , do you want to avenge your father . im in . do i get any weapons . you certainly do . let me introduce you to q . there it is . a pool cue . thats your weapon . now let me introduce you to your fellow agents . old fashioned . rob roy . and im toilet gin . now listen up here . were getting a transmission from our leader , highball . he does an amazing michael caine impression . good afternoon , gentlemen . i have the most interesting development . we have learned of a plot to buy up all of the worlds beer . can i help you with something , sir . i believe that cute blonde is interested in earbuds . oh , boy . now , here is the name of our adversary . good luck , gentlemen . hmm . barney , give me what you got . remoh industries market capitalization , billion and the new owner of duff stadium . tonight theyre throwing a free concert . looks like this concertll have a few guests who werent invited . everyones invited . its free . state of the art fingerprint scanner . cutting edge technology . uh , hand me my toolbox . were in . welcome , gentlemen . dad . youre alive . howd you get that scar . ow . thats how . of course . remoh spelled backwards is homer . it is . uh , i mean , its intentional . now , i suppose youre wondering why i cornered the world beer supply . ive created a lava machine that will force the world to surrender to me . then i want all the beer to celebrate . well , were gonna stop you . really . to kill me , youll have to get through an army of jazz rock aficionados age and up . oh , it seems like every year my rockets get less powerful . attention , lovers of studio perfectionism . ive drugged all the concessions so youll do what i say . drugs at a steely dan concert . i never thought id see the day . angry mob , kill the intruders . huh . steely dan , play deacon blues . no , royal scam . no , babylon sisters . i havent had any training . now you have . aah . haw haw . you missed my heart . attaboy . we still havent gotten to the beginning of the song . but , dad , this can be a new beginning for us . you mean you dont want to kill me . i love you , dad . and violence never solved anything . except this . also , every time you die , i get another semester of automatic as . everything appears in order , sir . but , uh , where is master simpson . i believe hes having a little sherri . judith owen yes , thats right weve churned out shows it goes and goes two times and thousands of promos for shows that were bad yes , they were bad so very bad we love gold . springfield . no . not there . anywhere but there . oh , a museum . hmm . the itchy and scratchy show . oh . id like a slice . hey , . what time is it , kids . kids product tie in time . thats right . im introducing a new line of candy so delicious that the krusty corporation board of directors will stop threatening to oust me . presenting krustaceans . they look like shrimp , they taste like candy , and theyre organic . uh clown eats snack . uh oh, , this could get ugly . what do you know . theyre actually good . mmm . mmm . mmm . hey , kids , krusty wont be needing the spit bucket . mmm . they are good . how did you get them so fast . im a krusty prime member . a month , but its worth it . what . tibors getting a corner office . oh , yeah , tibor got promoted to senior vp . carl cooling tower views , two chairs for two visitors . lenny a picture of a nondescript lighthouse . carl oh , my god , what is he getting out of that mini fridge . its filled with mini colas . lenny wow , he looks like a giant drinking that thing . i was in line for that job , and i lost it to someone who barely speaks english . its humidifying . homers voice well , then why the hell dont you do something about it . huh . who said that .  . me . who are you . im your ambition . how come i never met you before . ive been locked up for years by apathy and alcoholism . now , homer , tibor is no better than you . he just dresses nicer . i guess i could dress a little better . probably . thats the most ambitious thing youve ever said . guys , is there something wrong with the way i dress . no . if youre a typewriter salesman in . also , for a guy , you show way too much cleavage . hey , these two have gotten me out of so many traffic tickets . look , man , if people think your clothes are outdated , theyll think youre outdated . lenny wears suspenders . correction i rock suspenders . ah , tibor . theres my go getter . thank you , witch of the mountains . tonight we have with us a distinguished senior journalist for another installment of our pointless internet sensation talking heads sing talking heads . kent brockman , everybody . and you may ask yourself how do i work this . and you may ask yourself where is that large automobile . and you may tell yourself okay , thats it . speaking of once in experiences , kent , i understand you have a fascinating story about your time in basra . well , jimmy , i was embedded with the th airborne . my lullaby was the thwap thwap of the blades of a chinook . i was in the th airborne . i dont remember him . i dont even remember what i said at the start of this sentence . out there , everyone was equal . i was brock , the pilot was bama . was he from alabama . he was from america , jimmy . to me , it was just another day at the office . only this day , the office was a burning piece of metal where an rpg just took out the pilot . so i grabbed the joystick and guided that wounded bird down onto a container ship which was sinking . i bailed it with my helmet and guided her home . that didnt happen , man . oh , you iraq war vets are always complaining . that didnt happen . the temperature was . the u . s . o . show was rob schneider . american objectives have been , and remain , incomprehensible . wah wah . marge dinnertime . no junk food . were at the dinner tables . kent brockman this is kent brockman with a humble apology . you know , we in the news business like to report the story we dont like to be the story . thats what i said to nelson mandela atop the berlin wall , but no , i didnt . thats the problem . now youre not eating . i cant eat when im watching the spectacle of an imploding celebrity . we have lip quiver, , people . im sorry to report to you that over the years , every interesting thing ive done is , in fact , a complete lie . i did not land a chinook helicopter . i did not see bin laden die , or even see the movie about it . now that ive apologized , my station has assured me that it has full confidence these were the last words of disgraced anchor kent brockman before he was escorted out by security and replaced by me , arnie pye . this reporter promises to restore our news departments credibility . in our top story , corporate taxes are too high . geez , im really gonna miss anderson cooper . that wasnt anderson cooper . oh , thank god . im not licked yet not as long as ive got a cell phone and a place to sit . company car . marge , i think i may have to get new clothes . at last . its time for me to project the image of a powerful , self reliant man . will you take me shopping after school . sure . and after that , maybe you could oh , i dont know , lose a little weight . marge , no , dont get greedy , dont get greedy . sweetheart , im always happy to temporarily lose weight . oh so , this app is called smothr . lets my mom keep a healthy eye on me . milhouse , youre overexcited . youre going to get a bloody nose . i will not . see . hmm . i call these num nums because they make my fingers numb . mmm , . why are the only ingredients here water , fun and hydrogenated chuckles . hey , krusty makes quality products . incoming . mm , let me try one of those candies . i shared a meal with lisa . its halfway to a kiss . now i kissed lisa . no one kissed lisa . hmm . hmm . hmm , i dont think candy should give me a tingling in my left arm . im gonna prove to you that krusty is a good clown with nonlethal candy . hey , otto man, , can you take us to the food processing district . no way , bartman . hey , otto , i just remembered , we have a field trip to the food processing district . oh , man , were late . frank sinatra this town is a lonely town not the only town youre a very lucky lady . hmm . hmm . really . youre thwarted by a shirt . never . this is so exciting with my homie in a haberdashers . my husband needs a complete makeover . well , thank you , lady with the beehive hair . oh , intimate but heterosexual . clerk here you are , pal . oh . oh . homie . oh , baby , you had the same idea i did . mmm . this wasnt my idea , but oh they all think theyre the first ones . wow . ready for the corner office . i feel like mrs . mad men . now lets get you rung up , lard ass . what did you call me . uh , lord s . oh . well , weve got a nice  looking couple here . walk away , marge , just walk away . im holding my sharpest key . wait , homie . its kent brockman . the man who betrayed our trust . im producing my own news content now . could you spare a few sound bites for this rudderless anchor . forget it . we only like newspeople we can trust . so no newspeople . oh , well , i have bigger problems . cant afford toothpaste , so tonight my teeth will have film at . otto adios . dont worry , krustys favorite number is how many jokes hes written . wow . hydroponic gardening . organic fertilizer . maybe i was wrong about krusty . this candy is reeking with chemicals . just once id like to be wrong . well , from what i read in your diary , youre rarely right . weve got to get these samples analyzed . bart , do you think well get out of here safely . i think the guards no problem . z , . z , . z , . here comes our ride . i called uberkid . please get in . you want bottled water . mints . take . your accent is so interesting . where are you from . uh , small town in latvia . you dont know it . well , id like to hear . why do you have to make friends with everyone . so much great work for naught . kent , as your agent , i promise we will find you something , or so help me , we will drop you . thats a promise . well , could you , uh , get me on fox news . would you be willing to call yourself a liberal and lose every discussion . every single one . okay , youve already asked too many questions . the offers dead . empower your horse right through the sun blast a rainbow light from your empowerment gun . so , youre gonna get this to katy perry . i never said that . hey , guys . notice anything different . whoa , impressive . italian . oh ho . better . connecticut . yeah , i think im gonna go into old man burns and say , here is a leader of men and women . cause thats what you have to say now . high five , man . why do we call it high five when we only have four fingers . you know , ive always wondered that . frink oh , what have we here . uh , lisa , these vials are filled with formaldehyde . formaldehyde . do you understand . do not imbibe . check . no imbibing . bart . imbibing is eating , and formaldehyde is poison . oh , you take all the fun out of eating poison . youre just an apologist for krusty . i am not a paid apologist for krusty . i didnt say paid . got to go . ill see you in the future . uh , thats just my bathing suit dryer . i , uh yes . sorry , kid , not interested in your story . krustys our biggest star , and formaldehydes our biggest sponsor . im gonna have to go off the grid . all right , kent brockman . welcome to bizzfad . we are so crunched . well , the crunching is mutual . the crunching is mutual . what the hell does that mean . well , i know that the media has changed , but this old newshound can still find his way home . okay i thought i might do a piece on all the crazy ice cream flavors they have these days . bacon . really . kent , i like it . i do . but we just went bankrupt . uh , people , youre all fired . but , seriously , its been a great four days . thank you . uh , gentlemen , i suggest we ramp up production . i have a few suggestions right here in my pocket . do it , homer . yeah , . are you lust . no . lupus . huh . huh . huh . hey , fatso , id close that tent flap before the mosquitoes get in . what the . i thought you would like it . actually , i think you should take this tarp back to the baseball stadium you got it from . in case theres a rain delay . i did not see that coming , sir . off you go , simpson . never seek to better yourself again . im just going to shove my foot on your back for emphasis . yes , sir . i understand . but could you try not to get my new jacket dirty . sorry , but no . well done , sir . now your turn , smithers . i never thought youd ask . so , why do you want to give the story to brockman . because the best thing you can do is offer a lifeline to a person with no hope . here i am . sorry , not you . thank god . well , how do you know where brockman will be . to find a fallen man , you must visit the scene of his highest peak . when he reported on the flood of . my career and these flood waters crested at the same time . this is kent brockman blowing a sad song on his beer bottle . mr . brockman , weve uncovered a huge story . and we need a real newsman to break it wide open . a real newsman , eh . then youve come to the wrong corner . what do you mean . oh , im through . now , please , let me just go out with my remaining dignity intact . this is kent brockman thinking dark and suicidal thoughts . its quiet here in the gutter . very quiet . well , it was . okay , who would like to start today . anyone . anyone . oh , come on . in three , two im here live at the support group our top feeling today this just in im sad . you know , ill be tooling around , and ill just constantly lapse into my elocution exercises . a lockheed l  landed safely in bogalusa , louisiana , after an alert . oh , ive been there . too true . courage . kent , youre looking unusually thoughtful and silent for an anchor . you know , i thought id come to terms with life off the news cycle , and then , bang , i was offered a scoop on a platter . well , did you leap on that lead like a lion on a lemur . i passed . as in , i am a thing of the dan rather , do you have something to contribute besides this delicious homemade bundt cake . mmm . kent , why are you doing this . why did you get into this business . money , women , free coffee . the usual . sir , if you please , these days , a bona fide uncorrupted story is rarer than a snake with sneakers . its harder to find than a yellow fronted bowerbird . jump on it , hoss , and ride till gramma churns the buttermilk . thats when the barn dance starts . what is that feeling . is it integrity . good to see ya , buddy . im in . anybody got eyeliner and pancake makeup . take mine , brother . works great on mediterranean skin . its from my personal line , rather handsome . well , marge , i was humiliated by mr . burns , its true . but , to me , this is nothing more than a temporary setback . good for you , homie . im proud of you . hey , homer simpson is not deterred by a footprint on his suit . itll come out , right . i dont know . homer , i have a plan for your success . step number one get in a plan . this is an opportunity . i think im going to moes . krusty , we have evidence that your product is laced with toxic additives . yeah . so why you bothering me . lisa because your tasty little treat did this . i made the doctor cry . they told me the paralysis would be temporary . five years , tops . seriously , come on , that kid wasnt going anywhere anyway . it looks like this clown could not formalde hide the truth . this is kent brockman , saying no . im gonna sing beatles songs so you cant afford to show this video . a one, , two , three , four . too late . well , youre back on top , kent . and now for a once monthly feature we do called serious question . tell us , how did you get this story . well , its funny , actually . i was trapped in a burning building is he really gonna take all the credit for this . dont ask me . the last newsman i could trust was that bigamist , charles kuralt . it was a burning building called my career . thank god i had help . lisa simpson , you deserve to be on this couch with me . but because i dont lie anymore , i have to say i didnt fight too hard when they said no . hmm . is that enough . are you kidding . you got hollywoods highest honor shared credit , no money . ive been informed that this is my last newscast as anchor of the channel news . before i go , id like to get a few things off my chest . ive made out with kents daughter . the grown up one . are you almost through . in a hurry to fail again , kent .  . no , its just ive been off the air for six weeks , and it was torture . sometimes id watch bill oreilly and pretend it was an older , stupider version of me . go ahead . take your chair . do what you do best . tonights lotto numbers six , and . im back . springfield . its that time again . opening day of peewee football . over p . a . and everybodys headed down to child soldier field to catch all the action . it all comes down to this , the first game of the year , perfect season on the line . and drunks are being rolled off the field . ladies and gentlemen , your springfield neutrinos . bart huh . nelson whered everybody go . bart i cant see . they over fogged the run in . they put those kids in danger just to psych up the crowd . yeah , are you psyched up now . huh . are you .  . concussions . concessions . aah . my boy hit his head doing football . im a doctors wife . save my boy first . my boy needs an mri . ow . ow . ow . ow . ow . oh . with head injury concerns on the mind , the town has shut down its peewee football program . professor , what danger does this concussion threat truly pose . uh , well , kent , these children will need their brains unbruised for the demanding , high tech jobs of the future polishing and buffing our robot masters . indeed . and here to defend youth football , we have nelsons dad . are you wearing makeup . is it worth the risk to your sons health when only . percent of youth football players make it to the pros . you saying my boy doesnt have what it takes to play pro ball . huh . boy , show him your moves . juke it , juke it . why are you dekeing it when i said juke it . take a lap . without football , kent , how are kids gonna learn character like i did , you stupid fruit munch . and what is your problem , smart nuts . which brings us to this question if not football , what sport is safe for our children . but there are so many club sports that can eat up all our free time . what about baseball . baseball rife with steroids . then test for steroids . oh and then therell be no home runs . um , i think i i may have a solution . wait , . what about biathlon . that teaches kids to ski and kill . how about frisbee golf . if i could just have your attention hey , what about filipino tooth fighting . it builds biting , jaw strength and mouth work . the champion for a long time was a dog . no one is listening to me . well , maybe no one wants to hear your ridiculous idea . lets go , were late for prenatal yoga . milhouse is ten . why are we still doing that . poor kirk . no one listens to him . even luann treats him like garbage . loves funny like that . help him out . make people listen to his idea . oh , why me . i only came to this concert because i was told it was a potluck . attention , smothering parents who only came to hear themselves talk . youre an idiot . this guy has as much right to bore us as any of you . take it away , buddy . buddy , . huh . um , ive got an exciting sport thats great exercise a and teaches teamwork . lacrosse . la what . what cross . what what . lacrosse . its the perfect combination of americas two least watched sports soccer and hockey . any kid can learn to play lacrosse . even this . this isnt a drive in movie . everybody , feel free to whip stuff at my sons face . yarr . now hold on there . lacrosse has the second highest concussion rate , right after football . safer than football . safer than football . hey , why dont we have this fruit munch teach our kids this crazy sport . me , coach your kids . most of you wont even make eye contact when im weighing your yogurt . ill do it . if homer will coach with me . huh . weve come too far together on this crazy ride . it wouldnt feel right to do it without you buddy . buddy , mm . oh , fine , ill coach with this guy . but i promise you this i will never stop complaining about it . stupid sport i never heard of make me wake up early on a saturday probably have to slice oranges dont even know the rules because i refuse to learn em my kids will probably suck at it and ill have to kneel down on photo day , knees get all wet despite my bad attitude , im thrilled by the nonstop action kids running towards me with a look of joy ive never seen before dad , we won . its okay , kids . what matters is you tried your best . have an orange slice . no , we won . yes , were all winners . because losing teaches valuable lessons . have an orange slice . we did it , buddy . you and i make a great team . we won for real . for the first time in our lives , we can say good game and actually mean it . good game . uh , good game . ha . thats loser talk . wow , pizza really does taste sweeter after you win . dude . my kids have never won at anything . all the girl does is read and the boys got one of those paying attention diseases that isnt really a disease . awesome job , guys . how do you know so much about lacrosse . wait . you want to know about me . well , it all goes back to my college days , where i was the star attackman on our lacrosse team . id even been drafted to play in the pros for the milwaukee zoom . after scoring the championship winning goal , i was on top of the world , man . i was high fiving everybody . for the first time in my life , no one , and i mean no one , was leaving me hanging . i was slap happy, , i couldnt stop myself , until i highed one five too far . our school mascot , sir gudge a . my zoom dream died that day . mm uh ah my wrist healed , but my wrist in here never did . ive never high fived my own son . the mascot wore a suit of armor . just like a knight . yeah , but now lacrosse has brought us together . hey , a toast , to new friendship . could i get a roll of toilet paper , please . i get nosebleeds when i drink . to new friendship . mm . mm mm . mm mm . dad . dad . dad . dad . dad , wake up . wake up . wake up . oof . its a . m . on a saturday . we have a weekend lacrosse tournament . theres coach k . come on , come on , come on . lisa come on , dad . check out the travel van , brah . two days , ten games , miles and one sweet mixtape . i hope you like big bad voodoo daddy , cause this vans about to swing . so i think about my next drink and its you and me and the bottle makes three tonight uh im pretty sure a mixtape isnt just the same song over and over again . no , dude , theyre different live versions . you can tell because some are longer . hey , you want a hit off my vape pen . it tastes like passionfruit and people think youre a smoker . why would i want that . dont worry , marge isnt here . oh , speaking of which , where is the craziest place you two have ever done it . what . lets both say it at the same time . one two dont . chipotle . there are kids back there . oh , they cant hear us . i got em watching classic lacrosse matches . textbook ankle breaker by gary gait . and paul gait with the dip and dunk . everyone be sure to fuel up with a rice sandwich . mmm . mmm . homer rice in a sandwich . thats mush on . doesnt this dweeb know kids need bologna to win . those sandwiches had so many carbs . ive never played harder . rice power . uter , watch those alligator arms . hug the pipe , sherri . milhouse , gobble and goose . bart simpson with the canadian egg roll . we won every game . kirk is like a sports genius who everyone hates . worse than jim harbaugh . well , not that bad . i know kirks a bit of a dizzy duck , but remember , youre doing this for the kids . right , . the kids . everything for the kids . oh , god , hes coming . hide , marge . oh , good call , buddy . disco nap . we got to power up for tonight . tonight . which gentlemens club should we hit first , skin city or the tassel castle . gentlemens you mean a strip club . yeah , wiggles has great dancers , but theyre kind of stuck up , if you believe lap aficionado . com . which , uh i do . why would i want to go to a strip club . im married to a naked lady . drive time to sapphire diamond is only minutes . thats the fastest its been all day . hey , wa minutes . listen , kirk , im a lot of kind of guys a booze guy , a dont know birthdays guy , a steal the from the guy , but i am not a strip club guy . you do want to hang with me , dont you , buddy . i cant do it . i cant pretend to be this guys friend for one more second . i scored three goals today . im a jock . a jock . i didnt spit on my hand for the post game handshake . hey , pal , i dont like kirk either , but look how much fun the kids heads are having . of course i want to hang with you , buddy . but , you know , im pretty tired from all those youtube videos you showed me about whiskey making . it gets its color from the barrel . i know , the barrel . lets just get some sleep . well , all right . next time we can just rage twice as hard , i guess . what the hell is that . i cant sleep without my white noise machine . womb setting . so i think about my next drink and its you and me and the bottle makes three tonight yeah . mom , we swept the tourney . were playing in the championship against capital city . mwah . how does it feel to be the assistant coach of a winning team . im going for a walk . oh , honey , im so proud of you . well , you know what they say , behind every successful man is his assistant coach . how can a wife understand what it feels like to finally meet a man . the strongest bond a dude could ever know whoa , a guy to catch a game with a pal you dont feel lame with life began the day i found my bro im just a normal boozer stuck with this lame loser a dweeb that somehow thinks that im his bro whoa , his eyes are small and beady staring , oh , so needy how i despise him he will never know so much cool stuff we can do as a pair everything about him is annoying dress as minstrels at the renaissance fair he smells like fish oil pills foosball fridays in my man cave that waitress was not into you designing the worlds best blues brothers fan page he wants us to co host an oscar party , what the hell . i hate everything about him this clingy fat nosed jerk im glad he cant wish he could both hear me sing about this sweaty awesome fish oil awesome i was only pretending to like that stupid dork named oh , hi , kirk . folksy announcer springfield , the city that lives and dies by youth lacrosse , a sport we first learned about five weeks ago . and with just two hours left until face off against capital city , the countdown clock is ticking away . as always , laying out all the information you need to know , this is wxpo the pipe . and now the man responsible for this miracle on grass , the priest of the crease , the riceman cometh , coach k . hmm , its not like kirk to miss such an important pre game rally . yeah , well , better get slicing on these oranges . where is that coach . if we lose this game , i have to give the mayor of capital city a crate of springfield apricots . we grow no apricots . kirk is missing . i havent seen him since he left home happily singing about his friendship with you . dad , what do you know . what . nothing . i dont oh , all right . the truth is , your husband and your father is a soul sucking loser who found out i was only pretending to be his friend for the sake of the team . but , why did he empty out our bank account , and all in one dollar bills . oh , no . theres only one thing a man like kirk wants with that many singles . to hand out to the poor . worse . to bring to a strip club . ill go get him . ill also get him . no , me . me . i just need to go home and put on my special sweat pants . no , its my husbands fault that kirk has run off to that jiggle joint and only he can get him out . me . but those places are filled with creeps . plus , all the chairs face the stage . what if i want to have a conversation with another patron . come on , dad , youve got to do it . without coach k , we cant play in the championship . look at the countdown clock . announcer countdown clock brought to you by rays steaks when you want to raise some stakes , head over to rays steaks . save coach k . save coach k . save coach k . save coach k . save coach k . as your wife , im begging you , if you ever loved me , go to that strip club . homer oh , guys . okay . all i got to do is go in , get the pervert , and bring him back to a park full of children . hey , im looking for my friend . bald middle aged guy , sad paunch , given up on life . its in the morning . take your pick . oh , boy . oh , man . woman hello . uh , no , thank you . hey there , big guy . no , thank you . happily married man with no cash coming through . made it . nothing in this place can tempt me . oh , baby , yes . those legs go on forever . where are they . maybe we shouldnt have sent homer simpson into that den of sin . marge groans , ms . hoover gasps my husbands a good man . he can do this . oh , worst food ive ever had . so much is that guy still in the champagne room . he hasnt slept in days . he brought a cooler of rice sandwiches . he says they give him energy . wait , who do i know that likes rice sandwiches . barts friends dad . so anyway , they cant call it bourbon unless its from kentucky . its the american bourbon hes not a loser paying for lap dances hes a loser paying for listening . kirk , weve got to go . the big game is about to start . come on buddy . oh , now im your buddy again , huh . well , guess what , buddy . carmeleena and bodacious are my true friends . nothing , that we had was real . well , it was all fake . but , damn it , somehow you turned our fat , lazy , loser kids into winners . kirk van houten , i dont like you . but i respect you . respect . thats the one thing you cant buy in a place like this . ive got to get to that game . hey , thats a great realization you had there , pally . now if we could just settle this up , eh .  . lap dances an hour , times three girls , times hours , pole tax , glitter recycling fee . its quite a ride . run . djs . uh oh, , japanese businessmen . atm with giant service fee . aw , well never make it to the game . our kids were depending on us and we let them down . you let them down . you . did you say kids . we all have kids . wed do anything for em . come on , working moms , lets get these dads to that game . im sorry , kids , but your coaches arent here . youre going to have to forfeit . and now to blow this whistle and make it official . its the strip a . i mean , its a helicopter ive never rented before . helmet up , kids . lets win ourselves a championship . who wants orange slices . all yay . no matter how bad our kids screw up the rest of their lives , theyll always have this moment . buddy , you deserve this . just because were in traction doesnt mean this hospital room cant swing . so i think about my next drink and its you and me and the bottle makes three tonight yeah . what do you mean its last call . hey , guys , i know all you crushin it fans are super pumped for my latest crush video . sorry , no contest winner this week . remember , to qualify , you have to be a subscriber and leave a comment . now , the secret to the ultimate rice sammy is to make sure the rice is really wet , li like soaking . so after going in to find it a third time , they just decided to leave the colonoscopy camera inside five words jet fuel cant melt steel . when i held the door for that guy and he didnt even say thank you , i just lost it . oh , man , milwaukee wouldve been so sweet . the zoom were the kings of that town . springfield . hmm . hmm . mm . hmm . announcer welcome to the vultures nest . the vultures nest where billionaire investors swoop down on your business proposals and peck out the eyes . uh , hello , vultures . okay , um forget it . im out . uh , vultures , almost every kid wears a retainer , and that is not cool . but this retainer is a de lamer . as it turns this grill from blah to bling . oh . oh now thats a milhouse id marry . kirk , when i started digging for oil , i came up dry for years . then i had my yee haw moment and realized i needed to drill in texas instead of my home state of new hampshire . well , im very interested . ill offer you three hours of my precious time for of your company . too late .  . were not gonna do any better than that . i dont know , dad . of course you dont know . youre just a kid . i may be a kid , but this was my idea . kirk hey . you need a ride home , dont you . weve heard enough . thank you for the opportunity . i love seeing people i know fail . do you want a beer , son . theres a stain . did that dumb dog pee on the rug . dad , its not fair to blame the dog . blame the dumb animal whos supposed to walk him bart . i did walk him . didnt i , boy . chewing your leg is not a yes , i learned that in a real estate deal . oh , it wasnt the dog . i went on the rug . what . huh . grampa , is everything all right . im years old and im falling apart like toast in a dishwasher . oh , you poor man . sit down here and relax . geez , dad , you really have lost a step . cant you at least enjoy shark tank i mean , vultures nest . grampa , dont worry . were paying the finest nursing home in town . theyll know what to do . we have no idea what to do . we specialize in keeping seniors from bothering their families , then gently releasing them just before death . god bless , mr . simpson . ive been paying you off and on for years , and theres no way you can help . we do offer free transportation to the next stage . come on , grampa . youre not staying on skid row . yeah , thats shameful , shoving poor old people out on the street . this place is for the mentally ill . hey . what are you uh , get better . well , were not beaten yet . grampa , youre a veteran of every branch of the service . the va hospital will help . arent those hospitals the ones they called americas shame . a lot of things are americas shame , honey . mr . simpson . yes . uh , this is just the waiting room . oh well , dont worry , the veterans administration will take care of this proud warrior . i can see him in five minutes . years from now . hey , soldier . are you looking for high quality health care at no cost . i know the place . tell it to me in an anecdote . years ago , i saw action in the bay of pigs . bay of pigs , eh . er , have you seen marilyn monroe . im asking , for , uh , for a friend . yes , a , uh er , uh a friend . dont , uh , tell ethel . mmm . history . those cuban doctors patched me up good , and for a lot less . how much less . well , what costs here costs six bucks there . hmm . ah , cuba sounds a little dangerous . why dont we try canada . i dont want to go there , now that commie trudeau is in charge . were goin to cuba . you got it , dad . nurse , cancel our appointment . im sorry , theres a fee if you dont cancel within years . doh . doh . grampa , cant you enjoy the caribbean breeze . not while i suspect your fathers gonna toss me offn the boat . huh . wh . hmm . ah ah . ah ah . hmm . no . were not . and well have fun when we get there . we can have plantains . theyre like bananas you have to cook . yum . cooked bananas are too hard for me to chew . doh . well , dont forget cubas vibrant jazz scene . lisa , thanks for the warning . despite what she says , this trip will be fun . i am finally gonna put the spanish i learned on i love lucy to use . oh , loo sey, , you need to see a fee sa . excuse me , sir . we are perfectly able to pronounce psychiatrist . now , please dont make me splain it to you again . come on , rick . the girls are dressed up like men , trying to get into the cigar store . so you know what we do , fred . we give them cigars . all the cigars they want . this will be good . ill never understand why a bandleader was such good friends with his landlord . now , there are types of visits to cuba that are legally permitted . u . s . business next . professional research i dont know what either of those words mean . educational activities those words i know and hate . family visit is there a vip entrance to this place . religious activities god , no . public performances never . mistook us for aruba is that weird lettuce . here to smuggle cigars you guys have cigars . fell off a fishing boat many times , not today . transmission of information who wants to know . really love gloria estefan getting warmer . and the last one is journalistic activity . im a journalist . im doing an article for my school paper . heres one of my scoops . hmm . youre in . whoa , you can make money playing dominoes . come on , grampa , lets take these guys . i dont like dominoes . with my cataracts , everythings a six . what . oh . we could go see mariel hemingways grandfathers house . hmm , apparently , he was a writer . like mindy kaling . forget it , im done . let me just take one last good look at my granddaughter so shell remember her granddad . and love locks it in . now , to just sit and wait for the end . how could anyone be so glum in front of that sign . i am so sorry . there is , uh , nothing i can do . all i can offer is this , uh , festive shirt . i dont like the way the birds are looking at me . relax , viejo . return the shirt after he , you know we took an exotic island vacation for nothing . oh , my god . where have you been all these years . now , this is a car . razor sharp fins . little triangle windows that werent good for nothing . and a front seat you could fit all your newborn babies on . would you care to go for a ride . car keys that dont go bloopity bloop . im home . oh . you , my friend , just had a cuba gasm . dad , let me help you out . i dont need no help . a lungful of leaded gas and im better than ever . oh , thank you . youve taken my dad back to a simpler time when our only worry was being obliterated by nuclear weapons . it is the car . all our american cars were built before . and studies show that exposure to objects from your youth can help you feel young again . what studies . are they peer reviewed . you know what they are . a professor , ellen langer , did a study where seniors exposed to culture from the s became more vigorous and engaged . they even engaged in heavy petting . theres heavy petting . wow , thats the first time ive seen him get a womans attention without flatlining . now , heres one thats been in our family for years . well , that saves us going to the beach . okay , so let me get this straight . this paladar is a restaurant , but its in a home . thats right . so i dont have to do the dishes . you dont do the dishes at home . never discuss family business in front of the cubans . homie , this place is so homey . look , grampas eating like a horse . so , you are enjoying the horse . no , . you are not eating a horse . the baby is . how many bites have you had . gracias . cmo ests t . bart , youre using informal spanish with someone whos not a family member . ay , caramba . quiet , you kids . im watching castro . all the best world leaders have beards . him , santa claus . and every time he says collective farming , i take a drink . recientemente , viaj a una granja colectiva . gracias . look at me , jasper . im eating a peanut . whos that guy . huh . who knows . but im sending him a picture of my junk . ugh . disgusting . extra pesos por la hermosa camarera . yo no salgo con clientes . another el presidente cocktail , seor abraham . i dont remember telling you my name . you did . in fact , you were so charming , i want to hook up later . not for money but for nylons and chocolate . hey , macarena . for me , thats a topical reference . why dont you let me buy this round , abe . wheels mcgrath .  . i knew you in the air force . i havent seen you since you dropped that a bomb off the forklift . yeah , member when it just kept rollin and rollin . oh , youre looking good , abe . cubas great . its like florida before all the cubans came . so what happened to you . i i hijacked a plane here in the s . wow . did you have the chicken or fish . i had both . crazy . listen , theres a place i want to take you . what do you say . for old times sake . yeah , why not . keep my tab open , issabella . i hope i see you again , abelito . you will . i never go anyplace new . so , you just sign the papers and shes committed , huh . thats right . thatll zap the sass out of her . yes . yes . the future of angola is the future of cuba . are you sure we had to take this route . hey , i like hacking . are you ready for the surprise of your life . can you give it to me in stages . there she is , the most hijacked plane in history . all you had to say was your kid wanted a pair of wings , and you were in the cockpit . i remember their motto , skyhawk air nobody try to be a hero . its all ready to open as a nightclub , abe . all we have to do is clean it up and hack a path to civilization . couldnt we just burn a path . no , ill do the hacking . ill do that . all i need is a front man and a partner . you expect me to give you the money i was gonna leave to homer . okay , im in . aah . wheels well fix that . see . fixed . its about time . we leave at . you leave at . im staying here . dad , you cant stay in cuba . for the first time in years , i feel young and healthy . and i found love . dont you want those things for me . but i cant even leave you in the park without you losing your wallet in a bush . it was an investment . so you want to stay and be with your cuban chica . she makes me weak in the knees . youre always weak in the knees . thats because i had to sell my cartilage in the s , and that cartilage became part of hank aarons wrist . dad , youre happy now because the new thing is always exciting . remember when you got that new pillow . oh , that was a mighty fine pillow . hypoallergenic . oh , what kind of father would you be if you left me now . son , all you see in me is a burden . think of me every time you dont visit someone . aqu pensaban seguir ganando el ciento por ciento con casar de apartamento y echar al pueblo a sufrir y seguir de modo cruel contra el pueblo conspirando para seguirlo explotando y en eso lleg fidel . who knew you can have fun in coach .  . id like to speak to your black ops department . right downstairs , mr . simpson . thank you . hmm . how did they know my name . i dont know where my dad is . dont worry each aarp card contains a secret tracking chip . the magazine is pretty good , too . super easy sudoku . quiet . this could take a while . bam . got em . now you have to do a favor for us . how many baseball players can you sneak home with you . well i have to ask my wife , but id say . bam . done . andre here sold secrets to the soviets . and this is the guy who came up with the service fee for ticketmaster . do you know any good people . everyones got their embarrassments , abe . im sure you got yours . homer dad . and up he walks . what are you doing here . who are these people . this guy was the biggest drug lord in north american history . and this guy invented ticketmaster . you charged me to sell me something . pleased to meet you , sir . abe , come with me to the cockpit . are we gonna fly or make love . you will sit there , move nothing , and do as i say . hot dog . makin love . miami , this is jitterbug justice bringing back an early bird special . miami , do you copy . man uh , we copy . the nightclub is flying away . cant we hold on to anything . grampa boy , i didnt think id ever be able to do this again . all you have done is fly without falling asleep . just like on my honeymoon . im starting to suspect youre not a simple cuban bartender . no , im an undercover agent for the cia here to recapture fugitives from u . s . law . and when i saw you , i realized youd be the perfect carcass to tempt these old buzzards . is there anything i get out of this . yes . you avoid the knockout gas . aw . oh , thank god . usually i can never sleep on planes . sometimes i so , thats the end of my cuban paradise . and like every good thing in my life , ive already forgotten it . listen , dad , i know it was fun , but your place is with us , not on some island in the indian ocean . i love you . oh , now were two men hugging . this is no sight for the streets of miami . hey , dad . its a beautiful day . want to hit the links . oh , just like we used to . screw you . look over there . i just painted a black circle on the green . man why , you little . hey . now , boy , its cents a golf ball from that water hazard . just move those logs aside . tv announcer next on vultures nest we all know tv dinners , but what about toilet breakfasts . heres my offer no money , and i get a hundred percent of the company because theres no doubt you developed this idea on my time . and theres more . not now . im on my way to cuba thats where im going cuba thats where ill stay cuba where wine is flowing and where dark eyed stellas light their fellas panetellas cuba , where all is gay why dont you plan a wonderful trip to havana . springfield . hello . hello . oh , finally , i get the remote . hmm . hmm . homer , are you ever planning on putting this stuff together . sure , right after i watch this dvd . just what are you watching thats so important . outstanding college mascot fights . s . e . c . edition . the top heavy mascots always lose . unless theyre fighting something with no arms . see . the stanford tree is no match for the tulane green wave . theres people inside . marge , do you see . maggie . thats it , mister . youre putting everything together today . marjorie , isnt it a little sexist to expect me to do all the carpentry . or you can take bart to the mall to get fitted for sorry , the drill is too loud . i cant hear the options . vous avez termine . vous avez termine . du ar klar . du bist fertig . you are fini shed . oh , i am finished . whoo hoo . doh . im trapped . here , boy . come here . whos a good allen wrench . yous a good allen wrench . come here . come on . huh . that isnt the same allen wrench i swallowed . hey , barney , hows it going . fine . how are you . i need help . can you come right over . homer , you should use the choremonkey app . people do all your chores , so youre free to follow your dreams . my dream right now is beer and toilet paper . mr . gumble , because im a decent person , this is the last beer im going to bring you . ill just use uburp . stop eating me , im not dead yet . choremonkey to the rescue . oh . oh , thank you . i think this is the beginning of an unhealthy dependence . aw . homer im a fool to do my dirty work oh , yeah i can hire all these nerdy jerks for free i aint gonna do my dirty work no more gonna leave my socks and dirty shirt on the floor . homie , i dont like that the house is full of strangers all the time . and i wait , why are you taking out your phone . no . dont you choremonkey me . sweetie , you know im no good at arguments , so i brought in a professional . hello , maam , my names blake , and im a retired fbi hostage negotiator . i wouldnt say this is a hostage situation . mm , no one said it was , maam . im just here to listen . so that was step one listening . next , empathy . im standing right here , you know . mm , it must be frustrating for you to hear me talk like youre invisible . it is . it is . step three i build a rapport . you know , i love the color scheme in your home . i feel like youre saying that just to build a rapport with me . wow , thats very observant . very wise . oh , well , thank you . nice . this aint my first rodeo . marge , right now i bet you wish you were just back home in your kitchen . i am back home in my kitchen . then life is good . am i right . mm hmm . you are . while im here , could i also fix your icemaker . yes . oh , yes . blake , i adore you . shh . its over now . go get some rest . hmm . homer , can we throw the ball around . oh , um by we , i mean me and your chore monkey . oh , of course . sure , buddy . for you ill get one without a criminal record . which means ill have to use choremonkey gold . good one , bart . wait , are you heisman trophy winner matt leinart . yep , i am . and you need this job . yeah , i havent really been smart with my money after football . but what about your broadcasting work . uh , sunk it all into my thai irish fusion restaurant , shamrock spice . on the plus side , he taught me how to throw a perfect spiral . yes . frozen rope , kiddo . aw , love you , man . ah , i love you . maybe i should play a little catch with my son now . whatever , hoss , lets see what you got . flanders my zinnias . annuals . wait , please , just let me try again . dad , youre embarrassing me in front of matt leinart . but wow . you made that for me . no , it used to be o . j . s . yeah , little juice . oh , stupid choremonkey . another thing i overdo bites me in the butt . homer uh oh . youre late . theres no specified time , sir . and you did receive progress alerts . whatever , fine . just throw the damn ball . so , how was your day . pretty good . ive thrown various balls with six different middle aged men . all right , stop talking , youre ruining it . nice pass , sir . for someone your age . ju this isnt fun at all . im done . fine . you know the monkeys also rate the customers . now everyone will know what kind of man you are . good bye, , tyler . jerk . jerk . bart used to call me that . be careful , dad . being careful is not going to get us on americas funniest home videos . now , when i nod , you pull the bottom brick out and the wall falls on me . then call vin di bona productions , then an ambulance . wait . wont they know this video is fake . why would i be filming you making a wall . why didnt you bring these things up at the production meeting . well , its too late now . oh , great . dad , can i get you one of my childrens xanax . what i need is that prize . not . i already spent that on bricks . now pull that rope . if i pull the rope and it kills you , ill need a lot of therapy . im not gonna die , son . uh , but if i do , can you play nobody does it better at my funeral on the recorder . i cant be a part of this . yeah , youre right . luann , help . im in a hurry . well , at least i got it on video . delete . ah , come on . haw haw . dad , its me . what are you doing here . its not pudding day . my son doesnt want to be with me anymore . so you realize thats how youve treated me all these years and youve come to apologize . look , dad , i would visit more if i hadnt put you in such a depressing place . whatever . ive got a real problem here . im gonna be a father again . my girlfriends pregnant . thats insane . i leave you alone for six months and this is what happens . how did you even meet her . oh , this home just got the internet and everyones using senior dating sites . gray date , friends with social security benefits . everyones making whoopee and hanky panky . a few are even having sex . woman you cant leave me . we started a puzzle together . my hearts bleeding . seriously . please call . abraham simpson . are you skipping town on me . no , . i like you . its the baby im skipping town on . you dont want our baby . before you judge me , look where my dna leads . im fine . hmm . i think hes sweet . would he like to play with my keys . i am a normal person , and yes . all right , ill man up . but remember , men of my generation dont change a diaper , attend a birth , or talk to the child before hes drafted . i couldnt ask for more . i thought you just rolled . those were my knees . rent six dollars .  . you cant even buy a monopoly set for that . great commentary , bart . love you , man . i love you . hi , im matt . milhouse . im barts best friend . aw , sounds like someone wants an autograph . i do . who are you . i misspelled my name . but that makes it worth more . come on , leinart , get your head in the game . bart , i got a straight up swap . how bout i give you boardwalk and park place , and you give me ventnor . thats crazy talk . oh , yeah . what history of board games class did you take when you were in college . my friend , you have a deal . you got chance . take a walk on the boardwalk , which i now own , and youre bankrupt and i win . wow , you beat me at every game , even heisman trophy trivial pursuit . oh . can i play bart next . i carry my own little top hat with me . oh . is this guy bothering you , bart . ill make sure he finds the door . could you throw me out in a perfect spiral . i can walk you out in a straight line . wow . no ones gonna believe that at school . huh . always let him win . dont let him see this sheet . he called me the greatest receiver hed ever thrown to . was that a lie , too . get out there . hey , mr . simpson . hey , milk dud . uh , listen , i got to go change the oil in my car . dont you want to get a choremonkey . they cut me off . i never dreamed when i gave em my credit card number that they would charge me . you could help me out if you want . i have an old shirt you could wear . an old shirt . wow . my dad doesnt have any of those . wow . anyone ever tell you that youre excellent at gluing . um , no . and your rubber cement boogers were very convincing . look , i know youre doing this because you have to . how would you like it if the other team had just let you win all the time . that would have been really great . listen , i have another choremonkey job . ill see you around . huh . huh . hmm . wait , i dont think a bouncer throws people into a bar . yeah , . you just bounce , all right . ill tell you which way . leinart get in there . ralph . yay . im a touchdown . boop . look whos a greasy guy . now youre greasy , too . look at you . bloop , . well , hello , tony stark . weve never had fun like that in my whole life . oh , look . the engine block pizza is almost done . engine block pizza . car food is our thing . careful you dont burn your mouth . oh . he never warns me . announcer vijay singh has chosen a seven iron for his approach here at the fifth on st andrews . bart my zombies have got you now . mm . whats the matter . arent you into the game . uh , yeah , . good luck with that zombie bing crosby . b b . eh , i won . whoo hoo . huh . didnt seem like you were too excited when you sliced me in half . its just hard when you think youre gonna be slicing the same boy in half all your life . uh huh well , i guess id better get to work . on a friday . why are you wearing a fishing hat . are you going fishing without me . what is happening with us . if youve got something to say , just say it . unless its boring . is there someone else . oh . spare me your melodramata . marge , i cant have a baby . coordinating our sleep schedules will be a nightmare . plus , the only good relationship i ever had was with my hat . then the wind blew it away . you didnt have a good relationship with your father . hmm . come here , sweet pea , give me a burp . youse can do it . aah . youse got milk on me . ill murdalize ya . oh that was before throwin your baby into the sun was considered child abuse . so you see , simpson men just dont wait a minute . now yank the hook out and throw him back because were humane . ive never seen homer and bart so close . maybe i can finally be a good dad . thats not bart . dont ruin my epiphany . hey , mr . van houten . oh , hey , bart . milhouse isnt here . i know . and i dont care . are you making envelope soup . envelope soup . thatd be silly . no , im stamp mining . you steam off the stamp , color in the postmark , and you just made half a dollar . almost . want to try . careful . thats a forever stamp . could be worth a fortune some day . well done . and look at me . im hangin out with bart simpson . thats so cool . i cant wait till wendell sees us hangin out . oh , hey . oh , i built it up too much . what do you do with a drunken homer . make him watch hunt for red october let him drive in a lunar rover tickle his nose with a oh , hi , marge . homer , why were you fishing with milhouse . because for once , im with a kid who respects me . one who doesnt call me homer . i didnt know that bothered you . it does . a lot . oh , homer . feels good when you say it . homer . ah honey , maybe you should talk to bart . hes just behind that wall . bart yeah , homer . get your fat ass over here . you see . you see .  . its not bad enough he calls me homer . he calls my buttocks ass . hmm . he probably learned that at school . you bet your ass he did . maybe you and lisa can talk to him . lisa and i arent speaking right now . i cant believe you threw away my utne readers . marge oh , is that how you pronounce it . aah . for most of my childs life , ill be gone . when youre cremated , you feel it . warn everyone . aah . oh , abe , hi . i i was about to call you . i had an ultrasound today . but does this mean . yup , im the father . and i thought she was just using me for a beard . im so sorry , abe . well , i just want to say yes . i cant raise my left arm , much less a child . yippee . not having kids keeps you young . oh , i knew youd come back . kirk . homer . dad . fat ass . that is not my name . mm , . lets roll . cant let em catch us . i cant take the pressure . son , im so sorry . im getting rid of this stupid stop sign before it hurts somebody else . im sorry , too , dad . you called me dad . theres a first time for everything . also , a last . milhouse , id be lying if i said riding in a go cart with bart simpson wasnt the highlight of my life , but youre my son and i love you . i love you , too , dad . youre my favorite guy that moms brought home . aw last one home is a rotten father . those arent yours to keep . they take them out of our pay . homer well bring them back when we get tired of them . oh , that never happens . but , chief , i dont think those vehicles are certified for highway use . yeah , well , i dont think youre certified to understand the relationship between a father and son , lou . yeah , well , i have a son he lives in baltimore . what do you want , a parade , lou . listen , maggie can i call you maggie . is there a way i can get you to put that pacifier down . oh , dont worry . ill be here as long as it takes . you know , if you cooperate , i can talk to your mother about a reduced time out . look , you wanted a helicopter , i got you a helicopter . okay , ive got your nose , and if you want to see your nose again , youll give me that pacifier . announcer swing and a miss . strike two . sanchez batting .  . fun fact his father was one of those soccer players who ate his teammate after a plane crashed in the andes . look at him bite at the high fastball . springfield . all huh . doh . no parking spots . lousy butt kissers, , coming in before noon , eating donuts that are rightfully mine . oh , . doh . stupid smart car . doh . spot hogging s . u . v . doh . inconvenient sinkhole . doh . mandatory credit . doh . developed by . what does that even mean . its empty . homer , no . thats burns spot . how could you miss that sign . oof . the last guy that parked there is now a speed bump . slow down . guys , be cool . burnsll never know . hes on vacation this week with his weirdo hunting buddies . fellow members of the order of the knights of saint caucasian , weve got a lot of things to kill today , so release the sedated quail . how am i supposed to hunt it if it can move . try it now , davy crockett . damn you , surface tension wait a minute . if i can park in mr . burns space , i can live his whole life . quickly now , before i think it through . mr . big stuff who do you think you are mr . big stuff youre never gonna get my love now because you wear all those fancy clothes oh , yeah and have a big fine car oh , yes you do now do you think i can afford come on along , and sing our tiki song . and everyone will take their turns . to celebrate a man whos great . the wiki wakka liki  lakka magic mr . burns . the wiki wakka liki lakka mr . burns the wiki wakka liki lakka mr . burns the wiki wakka liki lakka mr . burns the wiki wakka liki lakka mr . burns mr . big stuff who do you think you are . mr . big stuff youre never gonna get my love simpson lines up his hitty stick and gets ready to clobber the dimpled round o . hes calling the signals . omaha .  . hut . hut . simpson . incoming . theres a lightbulb out on level p  . oh , good lord . the trapdoor is under renovation . its not safe . mm hmm . homer mosaic . congratulations . youre halfway down . what the . ow . im drowning in cement . uh , its actually concrete . woo hoo . of which cement is an ingredient . no . hmm . marge perfect . marge , youve thought of everything . except for one nagging detail . did i ever tell you about the time i was in a big cast . it was the shelbyville players production of pippin . dont worry , homie . grampa i went from player to ticket taker in one performance . theres two ways of you are in my seat . fight . fight . fight . asthma , glasses , asthma . oh . theres too much violence in rearview mirrors these days . homer hey , boy , want to sign your old mans cast . no problemo . what does it say . dont worry about it . what did you write . sorry . thats between me and everyone who sees it . homer i need to know . hmm . begins with f and ends in c k . why you little . homer tell me . never . doh . doh . doh . woo hoo . doh . doh . doh . doh . doh . doh . woo hoo . doh . doh . doh . doh . doh . doh woo hoo . marge thanks , partner . weve balled up all the gauge alpaca . now maybe theres something fun we can do . sure is . a puzzle . foggy day in berlin . pieces . hmm homer , complete the puzzle . im a married man . fine . if you need me , ill be in your schpankenbank . female singer well meet again marge , i dont think we should do this puzzle . i know . you cant pick up the pieces . thats why ive devised a grid system . huh . ill hold up a piece , and you call out the number and letter of the corresponding grid square . uh i dont know . q . sweetie , its a side piece . q s in the middle . right . q is in the middle . nothing more fun than rules . ill make some tea to help you think . oh , i hate being immobile and numb . if only i was free to move . if only . its never pleasant to see this kind of activity , lisa . particularly on a cell phone that is so much nicer than the one i own . all the fighting seems to start with who sits where on the bus . um , lisa . you seem to have a handle on the bus problem . why dont you tackle it . but dont think i wont help . im providing you with a sash . skinner . you are asking a six year girl to fix this schools problems . im eight . oh , carry on . what do you mean , theres a legal issue with my trapdoor . and , uh , as you explain , please take two steps back . the old trapdoor was perfectly legal . it was grandfathered in under the reagan era code . but once you start renovating it , has to brought up to modern standards . mm . and it has to be handicap accessible . a wheelchair would never fall through the current opening . oh . but thats not a problem . i refuse to hire the handicapped . thats another issue . but for now , we have left ourselves open to a lawsuit by homer simpson . fine . smithers , go see this simpson character and trick him into signing a waiver of liability . ill discuss things with the foreman . enrique , mas grande la puerta . look , homie . we got three pieces together . thats a good days work . why dont we do one of maggies puzzles . cow goes in the cow shaped hole , boom . next case . hmm , i thought the one good thing about you hurting yourself was that we could spend more time together . you did . didnt you . oh yeah , sure , of course . only a fool would admit otherwise . mm . mr . smithers . come in , come in . oh . well , theres our tangle foot . already on the mend . yeah , right . they say itll be three months before i can scratch my ass . six before i can really go at it . listen , i i dont want to take up your time . i just need homers signature on a couple of things . first , a get well card to himself . and what else does he need to sign . oh , a waiver of liability . i know , i know . there are solid reasons to sue . but do you really want to fill your life with parasitic attorneys with get rich schemes . schemes . rich . quick . parasitic . woo hoo . how could i have forgotten to sue mr . burns . thats how you get rich in america . sue s . a . sue s . a . oh , lord . finally , a chance to use this . it was designed ironically , but i would die for it . are you home during the day because you were injured at work , school , museum , church , iraq , elevator plummet , uneven sidewalk , hit by foul ball , hit by fair ball , or iditarod viewing party . the first one . the first one you said . call me , maxwell flinch , at . five , wait , what was the number after the first three fives , but before the last six fives . uh , simpson , before you do anything rash , mr . burns wanted you to enjoy this get well cake . whats that writing on top . oh . its just , uh , strawberry boilerplate absolving us of liability . now just bite here , nibble here , lick here uh , your wife needs to eat this cupcake sir , you cannot bribe me with cake . because i just ate several pies . hello , mr . smithers . i see you havent given up . just enjoy the cake . as long as you dont eat it in front of a notary public , youre fine . im a notary public . you gave your ink pad to maggie . ill , um , ill walk out with you . dont go yet . you guys can help me brainstorm a pattern for my new quilt . marge , i mean this in the nicest way your idea of fun makes me want to blow my brains out . oh , razzmatazz is perfect , marge . its its uh  its red , but not , uh , too red . youre right . why dont you stick around and well discuss stitching patterns over tea . id like that . and ill take the cake back to the home and share it with the seniors . typical . ill keep dad company . thank you , bart . grampa oh , i dropped it . hey , wha what did you put down my back . could be a tarantula , could just be some yarn . ill be at milhouses . what the hell . oh , its such a pleasure to pour tea for someone and not have to help him chew it . weve made our choices . and the world doesnt understand them , but we do . oh . ew oh aw you know marge , somehow i feel that more than anyone , you understand those horrible words , what do you see in him . i never said this , but did you ever think we cling to these guys because were afraid to admit we were wrong . do you really think that . well , ive tried to use it constructively . i try to have the serenity to accept the things i cannot change and the courage to change the things i can . homer thats what they said to me at that alcoholics unanimous meeting . lisa attention , bus riders . my new seating plan avoids conflict through the use of complex social algorithms . it teams up compatible seatmates and places milhouse with no one . yet somehow , im still a little scared . otto , why are you sitting in back . waiting for my assignment , chief . the drivers seat . youre the driver . still me . new management , same mistakes . its so quiet . ive never been able to hear my music before . oh , it sucks . lisa this is just the beginning . soon ill have control over every aspect of their lives . and then ill make them achieve their un dreamt dreams . sherri next to terri . jimbo next to dolph . no one next to milhouse . ralph next to his invisible friend . kearney next to nelson . martin next to wendell . cosine next to database . my first pg  fantasy . since we havent been able to get a settlement , well have to start preparing you for your deposition . caroline here will stand in for the opposing attorney . good afternoon , mr . burns . release the hounds . uh , sir , you should try to project a friendlier demeanor . release the hounds . please . seriously , sir , it would really be wise not to mention the hounds . oh , thats like telling three finger brown he cant play for the brooklyn tip tops . marge waylon , now i can see why so many women in movies have gay friends . like princess leia and c po . listen , i made this for you . oh , my god . no one ever gives me a gift . thank you . no one ever tells me thank you . i think you see my true self . the one i never pay attention to at all . oh , my god . i want to kiss him . smithers oh , my god . she wants to kiss me . marge im a married woman . smithers she would look good with a mustache . uh , ive got to go . thank god ive got a husband with benefits . come here , you . okay , but mmm smithers . homer wait a sec . marge is getting her emotional needs fulfilled by another man , and now she needs me for nothing but sex . im the luckiest husband in the world . you havent gotten that stupid signature yet . no . and im not sure i want to . you defy me . smithers , pour me a glass of water . now squeeze my chest . now , either get that signature or youre in charge of restarting our plant at chernobyl . that was us . that doesnt leave this room . well brother , prepare to enjoy another day of calm , peaceful behavior on the school bus . i got to warn you , a lot of kids are pretty unhappy with the required seating . well , theyll be happy when i also organize cafeteria seating , whos picked for teams , and ive divided the playground into swingers and pushers . thats insane . you just bought yourself a year of pushing . lisa order . order . maintain order . tunnel . whee . this message couldnt be clearer . the children need more sauce on their spaghetti . also , their spelling is atrocious . well , at least i have me photos . i thought i had made things better . lisa , the bus is supposed to be crazy . its the brief respite between the twin nightmares of home and school . the one thing a know it doesnt know is that everyone hates a know it . did we , uh , lose anyone . just the police chiefs son . i bit a rat . marge , this is the last time im coming by . oh . well , thats fine . i mean , i do have my knitting to get to . mm hmm . im going to a living hell followed by a certain death . heres a picture to remember me by . taken by my grandma from her deathbed . the last thing she saw . mmm . mmm . mmm . mmm . whats wrong , honey . oh , i dont feel like i have anyone to talk to . i appreciate that , and id like to talk . im just so drained after all the time i spend with the kids . bart what time . i took you to that colonial village . that was a pub at the airport . i had an ale . you sat on a barrel . that makes it colonial . homer , im sorry , you have to understand . without waylon to talk to , i feel completely alone . i totally get it . one question whos waylon . smithers . totally get it . oh , my wife really needs something and to get it i may have to forego my settlement . homer , you fell down a trapdoor into a cement mixer . dont you think i deserve something for that . im just trying to do whats right . then why did you file a lawsuit . i really think you should change the venue , sir . you cant win a case in this town . oh , are they still mad about me eating the town panda . get over it . wait , . im willing to sign anything you want on one condition . fine . whats your condition . you have to keep mr . smithers here . i see . and are you fool enough to believe a mans handshake means anything . i am . well , put er there . homer , no . why doesnt anyone ever think of the lawyer . aw , if i do a slip n fall on the courthouse steps , would that help . it might . see you thursday . and ill see you thursday night . oh . and ill see you early friday morning . mm hmm . mm hmm . oh , these slippery stairs . homie . marge , no . marge , i know smithers was good at talking to you . and i want to talk to you too . oh . just dont expect me to be great at first . oh , honey , no ones great their first time . its like baking . uh , okay , well , uh i like you . and i adore you . you sacrificed yourself for my happiness . there is nothing that makes a woman feel more cherished and secure . thank you , my darling . marge , this is going great . grampa now dont you worry , i made you both soup . oh hoo, , its pipin hot . two hours in the microwave . who knows what the d . c . stands for in washington , d . c .  . anyone . anyone . mustnt be a know it . never again . not worth it . d . c . anyone . daddys kitchen . not quite . anyone else . no . okay . children , d . c . stands for district of the capitol . no it doesnt . the answer is district of columbia . and miss hoover , i dont want to be a smarty pants , but the previous answer was texas . before that , . before that , sewards folly . and your dentist appointment is not tomorrow , its the day after . thank you . springfield . singers all is not well , on this noel its looking grim for reverend tim helen this should be his very busy season sideshow mel no ones coming , tell me whats the reason singers what will he do , pull up a pew as we bid adieu , look for disco stu . usually , the fourth sunday of advent is packed . i hope the reverend isnt losing his touch . comparing the three wise men to the beastie boys seemed more desperate than hip . im serious . even milhouse couldve made that . what is it , helen . uh , well , tim , just thought you should know , a very special fan club is waiting to talk to you . mm . a semi circle . what gives . lovejoy ned . agnes . mel . the parson . thats right , your boss . and id like to introduce you to my boss , the patriarch . actually , parson , we all have the same boss . the metropolitan . and it is his will that we come together here for a divine intervention . look , since when is it a crime to mix pinot noir and vicodin . oh , we dont care if you wreck your liver with sancerre and acetaminophen . you can pop pain pills like cran raisins for all we care . were here cause youre not packing the p p . the church is emptier than a syrup bottle after a pancake breakfast . oh , people have reasons to miss mass . theres flu going around , the new jeeps are in at the dealership . lot of new features , the big screen up front , where its not just attendance , reverend . its that sometimes when you speak , my mind wanders , to , uh , non religious areas . timothy , admit it . youre in a slump . how many souls have you personally converted to our faith this year . negative six . you have some converting to do . i havent been heard from . and what do you have to say . nothing . just pointing it out . okay , i can do this . im a good man . and springfield is nothing if not a good christian community . im worried about this festival . its like something youd see in a college town . bart come on , mom , get with the pagan agenda . ha . this doggy likes me . dont worry , ralphie , ill shoot you off of there . uh oh . come on guys , lets go check out this years feature attraction the strandbeest . powered by the wind . wow . uh is this science , or garbage . dutch art . oh . and ill bet its environmentally conscious . no . it is not . whoa . its alive . hmm . the wind is picking up slightly . this is a disaster . the beest is built for the polite breezes of europe . save me , odin . look , dad , i can skate backwards . great , sophie . just watch out for strandbeests . what the . okay , i got to warn ya . regular morphine doesnt work on me anymore . call this number and theyll send the stuff i need . itll say for elephants , but ignore that . sorry about this , sophie . couldnt have come at a worse time . i only get one week of custody , once a year . its okay , dad . well get to know each other in this semi private room . oh , ill give you all the privacy you need . ah harold . private room . mm hmm . uh so , uh , hows your act coming along . im not in show business . what kind of a screwed up kid are you . im not screwed up . i get good grades . i play the french horn . good , . you know , its funny when someones playing it and their pants fall down . i havent had that happen . well , dont feel bad . its actually a pretty complicated rig . the whole megillah is a big tzimmes . tzimmes . megillah . its yiddish . the language of our fakakta people . mom raised me christian . a christian . that farbissina shiksa . how can you ignore the sacred traditions of the jewish people . krusty , heres your bacon , lobster and tref sandwich . hey , it was supposed to come with a side of camel . extra cloven . dad , you dont have to be sort of funny with me . the thing is , i want to celebrate this time with you . sweetie , i know youre reaching out . but to me , christmas is just another day . i usually curl up with a good bookmaker , and well why dont the two of you spend christmas with us . our home isnt fancy , but wed love to set a place for two more . marge , we accept . can we bring anything . just yourself . thatll cost you . oh , maggie . guess who just came down the chimney . a magical holiday friend , straight from the north pole . hes called the gnome in your home , and he works for santa , by watching you all the time . according to a book sold separately , the gnome in your home doesnt need food or sleep . he lives for just one thing to tell santa if youre bad or good . hes gonna live here on your shelf , and he never shuts his eyes . isnt that cute . youd better be good , or hell nibble your wittle fingers . oh , boy , krustys here . a very merry christmas , from the bottom of my heart . did you get the shot . how did it play . was i too sincere . perfect , mr . k . start laying dolly track . come on , damn it . christmas is about one thing being with family . sophie , come sit on daddys lap . i dont want to be on camera . fine , well just motion capture her in later . aww , thats my girl . oh , what a beautiful gingerbread house . wish i could make one . and i can . on a multi function minolta printer . print , scan , copy , let minolta do your xeroxing . when what to my wondering yes did appear to hear me read the rest of this poem , dial .  . per call . all i wanted was to spend the holidays with you so we could learn more about each other . well , i learned . get out . what . seriously . you really want me to go . yes . right now . uh , can we get some room tone . just seconds . oh , sophie . please , forgive me . i canceled the show . im pulling up duct tape myself , like a caveman . sophie just leave me alone . if the word of god isnt enough , i also have some rubber jar openers . ive been directing christmas pageants for years . theres no way theres a god . forget it . our nonsense is so much better than your nonsense . look at this guy . he can be a pixar hero . look at him . no , maybe im just not cut out for the god game . maybe i could teach s . a . t . prep . at least there are answers in the back of that book . what kind of poison do you serve to a guy whose daughter hates his guts . yeah . try a duff numb . no flavor , just alcohol . i need something that makes me feel better in my heart . like firing a writer . especially one who just bought a house . mm my son , im here to guide you to the most powerful man in this world , or any other . j . j . abrams . no . jesus . he is reaching his arms out to you . oh , my god . i can see him . i am a christian . uh , chief , i think you got him . yeah , its christmas . just bang his head on the car door and well call it a day . merry christmas . good night , sweet maggie . mwah . why are you huddling over there . the gnome cant see you . ill move your crib closer . there . oh , sorry , i forgot your nightlight . the gnome cant nibble your fingers if he cant see them . lisa hey , maggie . i thought id try the violin . ive got a tummy ache . maybe i ate too much before bedtime . have you been a bad baby . oh . dont lie to me or christmas morning will never come . oh , dont worry , maggie . he cant beat the super team of santa , jack frost , the abominable snowman and wayne gretzky . hes got a gun . merry christmas , maggie . was maggie a good little girl . she was .  . well , you did such a good job , mr . gnome , that were gonna leave you here all year round . which they also did and sent to the elders by the hands of barnabas and saul . now , id like to introduce our newest brother in faith krusty the christian . amazing grace how sweet the sound that saved a putz like me . aw , i remember the day she came into my life . oh , heres a present for maggie . and the good news is , spycraft toys makes other invasive dolls narc in the park , bear whos always there and snoop while you poop . wont that be fun . so much fun . oh , now sweetie , thats a present for your mother . another christmas in the bag . i love my juicer . and dont worry , marge , im adding fruit . you know , i might have one more present for you . what is it . what is it .  . homer what the .  . welcome to the krusty the clown sober contemplation hour . pray , kids . weve got a very uplifting show today . he is risen . and now please silently reflect upon the wholesome new teachings of itchy and scratchy . they pray , they pray they pray and they dont slay pray , they found a way the pious mouse and cat . they shall beat their swords into plowshares . i think its about time we put on some clothes . and then this happened . wow , dad , you wrecked your entire show just to prove you love me . wait a minute , wait a minute . here comes a cream pie . coming up next , weve got some hilarious comedians . finally . andrew nice clay , larry the fable guy and joe piscopalian . oh , if he was gonna convert , why didnt he pick a funny religion . like zoroastrianism . their top god is named mazda . tell me thats not hilarious . and now the moment youve been waiting for the nature of the universe is we are forced to wait for every moment . as mazda teaches us shh . my daughter will play the french horn and no ones pants will drop . i guess this will just be for me . well , look at you , all cool and collected . oh , well , even the lord rested on sunday . but krustys not ours till hes b b . you have to get his soul and his bank router number on autopay . oh , he wanted to do it the old fashioned way , in the river with miss teenage nevada , but the rivers frozen . i have to wait until the ice melts . mm mm . i had you pegged for a closer , tim . you know , ogdenville is looking for a prison chaplain . the last one , well he got a very cool tattoo that he didnt ask for . gather with the saints at the river that flows by the throne of god throne of god . will the baptismal candidate please approach . youre sure you want to do this , dad . seems kind of meshugana . i want to be a total christian for you , babe , so im gonna shpritz my tuchis be careful of the current . dont worry , i havent been current in years . huh . huh . oh . oh , great , my death is a hacky parody of frozen . dad . but whos the moose . im your first agent . oh , this is the most weve ever spoken . i must be dead . youre not dead yet . listen , i should know because i am . and life was no picnic , but let me tell you , death is no picnic , either . your biggest mistake is expecting picnics . dad . oh , i suppose youre not happy that im converting . herschel , your heart just stopped so ill make this very quick . theres no one religion that makes you a good father . all you got to do is think of your children before yourself , thats all except with those oxygen masks that you get on the planes . there its vice a . well , i guess you would know . youre a rabbi whos seen the face of god . actually , im a hallucination caused by cell death in your suffocating brain . also , i saw you texting during my funeral . for shame . oh , reel him in . youve caught a drowning man . slow down . first im gonna play him a little . i shall be a fisher of men . im alive . oh , ho . dont tell my ex wife . lovejoy is a hero . finally something i can explain . singers all ended well except for sideshow mel this jewish clown , he didnt drown reconciled with his daughter when he got out of the water heres the good news , butts in the pews watch homer snooze as he still chews our show is almost done maggie didnt stop at one . sorry about krusty , but hes still on team hanukkah . um , i hate to win on a technicality , but he was under the water . thats a baptism . maybe we should ask mazda . im not going to ask him anything , hes drunk . springfield . springfield . marge whoo . bart wha . doh . doh . i dont believe it when you tell me that its all gone bad its true to you whoa . huh . wheres the snooze button . ah , thats better . hey , what . i gotta get out of here . its after just five more minutes . oh marge on a tuesday . dr . hibbert yet again , homer will be fine . mm . hes been sleeping an awful lot . look at these vacation photos . dr . hibbert oh , my . man , you people sure take a lot of vacations . marge thats just to remind me where i parked . hmm . i think i have an idea of what might be going on . huh . what . first , youre gonna need a spinal tap . please be the band . please be the band . oh . arent you supposed to give him anesthetic . oh , i knew i forgot something . ow . oof . very low levels of hypocretin . im afraid homer has narcolepsy . doctor , is it time to pull the plug on my father . no , wait . ill spare you that painful decision . homer no , bart . thats the tv . ha ha . thats the other guy . stop that . narcolepsys merely sleeping sickness , and many narcoleptics do lead normal lives by avoiding stressful triggers like , uh , oh , lets say helping with the laundry . exactly . having to pay my doctors bill . dont play with me , man . i will mess you up . heres a signed certification of your condition . this is a bona fide medical excuse from doing anything you find taxing . but you only use that when absolutely necessary , right , homie . marge , please . ill probably never use it . dad , can you drive me to milhouses . narcolepsy . theres a spider in my room . narcolepsy . dr . hibbert called in a prescription for you to pick up . narcolepsy . yes , for narcolepsy , which you should get now . you cant spend half your life napping . maggie does , and you think shes adorable . yes , because babies are always cute . oh , that baby needs a diaper change . nar co . homie , you have no idea what its like being married to you . me being married to me , eh . homer stop the wedding . what about our child . dont forget me . now ive seen everything . a window that talks .  . okay , can you explain again how i take this medication . one a day with food . yeah , but what kind of food , girly . stuffed cabbage , a nice bowl of soup . any idea when youll get to me . well , theres four old people ahead of you , so hows thursday at . oh , you know its funny that you should say one , cause thats how many grandchildren that i have . im gonna have grandchildren by the time i get through this line . oh , thats so nice . isnt that interesting . oh , well , congratulations . narcolepsy , take me away . oh . i smell beer . did you go to moes . every time i have beer on my breath , you assume ive been drinking . oh , thats a long one . did you at least get the medicine . i tried , and i failed . miserably . but im willing to work this out in counseling . weve been to every counselor from avery to zabinsky . but not zilowitz . homer and thats why therell never be another golfer as good as chi chi rodrguez . the name and the game , he had it all . okay , i think we got a little off track here . i know this marriage isnt perfect , or even great , but now i treasure the moments where its just so so . id kill for okay . please , just tell me what to do . ive never said this  and i dont even know if im supposed to say this  but this marriage is rotting with the stench of death . oh , that seems a little strong . how about reeking like a trashcan in a dog park . does my marriage have to be something you can smell . you see , marge . you see . the only way you and homer will ever be happy is to spend a little time apart , followed by more time apart , followed by a divorce . what .  . what is what , whats going on . wait , no , i remember . happy anniversary . homer , listen to me . theres just so much i can take . no , we can save this . well go to a therapist . were at a therapist . how you doin . whats going on here . nothing . everythings fine . see . ill love you forever . kids , a professional felt the best way for your father and me to work on our relationship was to give up on it . but after a while , dads coming back . oh , yeah , of course . maybe not . oh , marge , after all my divorce worthy statements and actions , many of which you dont know about , how can you kick me out now that im sick . narcolepsy is a serious thing . maybe because you didnt take it seriously enough . i pity you . why is daddy going away . is it my fault . just kidding . i have been waiting for this . all my problems are my parents fault . mr . flanders , can i cry on your shoulder . boys , get my tear dickey . both yay . five more minutes . poor guy , living at the plant . and yet hes still late . smithers , come up through my rear and grab me . yes , sir . i dont get it , homer . you and your wife may be calling it quits . how can you be happy . oh , you guys missed a very sad montage , but then i remembered that after every fight we ever had , marge takes me back . i wouldnt be so cocky , homer . marge has changed her relationship status to its complicated . not good . complicated . whats complicated . were not together , but were not legally apart , and i have to fight for the right to see the children i spent my life avoiding . whats complicated about that . simpson , where are your shoes . narcolepsy . oh , sorry , . now , to prove everything is fine , im just going to give marge a call . marge hello , youve reached the voicemail for marge bouvier . oh , my god . she switched to her maiden name . she must be serious . shes gonna have to order new checks . fight , the itchy scratchy show . eh . mm . use a coaster . oh , the pigeon sisters . wish my head was filled with guacamole . now , on the bright side , homer , guys get in much better shape when they get divorced . not me . i will not become a clich . well , consider yourself lucky . most guys never even get a chance to lose an amazing woman like marge . if marge is in play , im cleaning up . got a date with an angel got to meet her at . hey , guys , knock it off , huh . im sure homer and midge just need to talk things out there . and there she is now . hello , baby . y oh , its the pharmacy . they want me to pick up my prescription . well , that man just won the saddest man in the bar competition . i was so damn close . whoa , nice fill . youve got amphetamines , anticataplectics and ghb , also known as georgia homeboy or liquid ecstasy . do not take these with alcohol . what if ive already been drinking , and i dont plan to stop . are you asking me out . i mean , youre not , but it seems like youd be fun to hang with , and im pretty fascinating myself im an author . i thought you worked in a drugstore . tennessee williams worked in a shoe factory . boy , youre pretty fast with that fact . you want to go out or not . well , i dont know what you see in me . im just a lonely guy with a bag full of drugs . huh . come with moi . whoa , . youre moving way too fast for me . i get that a lot . no , what im saying is youre walking faster than i can walk . how fast can you go . pretend youre walking a very slow old dog . no autographs . i just need you to sign your bill . the monkey made the reservation . he pays . i think its cool how you owned your own baldness by shaving your head . well , i saw a picture of jeffrey katzenberg once , and said , yes , thats for me . okay , listen , im just floating this , but have you ever thought that it might be a good thing marge dumped you . what are you saying . you guys were so young when you met . she was your first girlfriend . ive dated more girls than you , but now youre free to try something new . uh its getting late . i should go . the donut shop will be throwing out their unsold donuts . you can buy them cheap . dont you want to finish your drink . eh , youre the pharmacist . whoa big city bright lights cool , people big city mm . hey what . candles . clean sheets . did i pass out at urban outfitters . oh , god . oh , god . ive just committed the one drunken mistake ive never made . well , bart . oh , my god , oh , my god , oh , my god . what am i gonna tell marge . dont move . theres a snake on your butt . thats a tattoo . why would you do that to your body . i thought you had one , too . those are stretch marks , young lady . ive had three children . i got to call my wife . i thought you guys were separated . im the kind of man who never gives up hope . i own property in detroit , every christmas i ask for size pants , and i still buy beanie babies . hello , homer . marge is getting ready for a date . marge . on a date . yep , but ill make you a deal . i will try to save your marriage if you can guess which one i am . patty . wrong . im gonna get one , two , three , four , five scones . you guys want anything . were fine . no , thanks . were all right . candice , what is his deal . is he paying your rent . no . is he giving a kidney to your mother . no . is he good at sitting on suitcases that are too full . yes , but no . is he your guest at a dinner for schmucks . no . are you a humpty dumpty catcher . be honest . all no . does her remind you of a childhood snowman . yes , thats it . and the great thing is he will never melt . man , i would love to get back into snowman shape . i cant even fit in my scarf anymore . whoa , this is serious . complimentary tattoos . yeah , ive always been looking for the very special lady who would match up with this . all right , very funny . you two celebrating or what . two scorpinos , moe . scorpinos , you got it . and those are served in , uh champagne flute . champagne flute , got it . and that is a glass . a clean glass . ah , coming right up there , your highness . nut case . wow , homer , you really stuck the landing after your separation . yeah , its great . except her friends are always over . ive been there for three weeks , and i cant find the tv . and no one has any problems , except they talk about them endlessly . kind of like youre doing now . and the weirdest thing of all is now she wants me to meet her dad . wow , who pays for that dinner . i plan to pretend theres a bug in my food and get the meal for free . smooth . h hello, , sir . thank you for inviting me to dinner , sir . homer , relax . i have no problem with the age difference between you and my daughter . in fact , ive been dating a much younger woman myself . oh , here she comes now . okay , we can be adults about this . waiter , champagne . so i cant date an older man , but your girlfriend can . shes not my girlfriend . candice and i dont use labels . mm , doesnt look like she uses that much shampoo , either . lay off my girlfriend . roger is great with the kids . he even taught bart how to bunt . oh , so now youre super dad . when i was a kid , you were never around . you missed my high school play . you told me not to come . youre supposed to fight me on that . well , marge , your rogers not so perfect now . hes got a screwed up daughter with a pathetic boyfriend . candice , dear , i apologize . im trying so hard to set my life right . oh , speaking of which . marge , i am going to do something i shouldve done three weeks ago when i met you . will you marry me , marge . yes . as soon as my divorce is final . then you can put a ring on my finger , homer . im already pregnant . youre pregnant .  . but i kept my shirt on . no . huh . what am i doing here . sleeping through our therapy session . dreaming only about you . so none of it happened . were still together . somehow . whoo hoo . and you thought our only option was to break up . i never said that . if i told people that didnt belong together they shouldnt be together , id be out of a job . huh , i must have dreamed that , too . okay , why dont you tell us more about this dream . all you need to know about my dream is that marge and i have been completely turned around by it , and like scrooge , i will demonstrate i have learned my lesson by making a boy run to the store and buy me a goose . i think youre going to have to do a little more , homer . oh , ill do a lot more than a little more . ill do some . if you could just be good for a month , that would really show me something . absolutely . can the month be february . okay , march . you did it , homie . and what a march it was . a beautiful easter , a sober st . patricks day , and impeccable behavior watching the ncaa basketball tournament . mm hmm . and with your love , dad , im eating meat and maggies talking . i see trees of green red roses , too what the . male singer i see them bloom for me and you and i say to my aah . huh . huh . huh . i got you one of those beers you enjoy unironically . this won a blue ribbon in . what does that mean . wait , so this is reality . that other dream was just a dream . noooooooo . but you forgot to pay . oh . ive lost everything . my wife , my family you didnt lose me , dad . lisa . you can never lose me . we share the same blood , the same mixed feelings towards bart , and you know ill need support in my teenage war with mom . oh , lisa oh , dad . dad . aw , sweetie nothing could ever come between us . well be together forever . roger lisa , where are you , dear . i thought wed get in a game of chess before we go pony shopping . gotta go . lisa . ill skype you at christmas . noooo . huh , so it was all my dream . i better find out what this all means . it means , like all married women , sometimes youre sick of your husband , but sometimes youre afraid of losing him . and like all married men , i didnt hear that first thing , and im overconfident of the second . so what do we do . i need some kind of guidance to take away from all of this . put your finger on it so i can tie it in a bow . please . well , one thing we therapists can give is concise , simple solutions , and yours is hannah , what does that one mean . it means dont get drunk in brooklyn . i see babies cry i watch them grow theyll learn much more than ill ever know and i think to myself what a wonderful world yes , i think to myself what a wonderful world a wonderful , a wonderful , world a wonderful , world . shh . springfieldspringfield . co . ukviewepisodescripts . php . tv showthe . springfield . instead well watch a movie that made me fall in love with showing movies ive watched to other people . thats right , the classic doctor dolittle , which answers the question what if an elderly unmarried doctor decided to focus his practice on animals . the running time is minutes . the running time is now . hes been giving that horse an eye exam forever . milhouse its a carrot , stupid . isnt it a pity youre a seal . kids ew . that dudes making it with a fish . i kissed a light socket once , and i woke up in a helicopter . this is the world of dr . dolittle the wonderful world of dr . dolittle this is anthony newley at his worst . where crocodiles talk and elephants sing and animals do most any old thing . my friend the doctor and me . that movie was so bad , it actually stinks . whoa , its not the movie . its bart . i dont stink . youre just smelling the old boogers in your noses . you got to pick those things  its called hygiene . if i may join in the mockery , lisa simpson also has an appalling odor . what . i dont smell . girls dont smell . sorry , girl , but you smell . stink sons . stink sons . kids stink sons . stink sons . children can be so cruel . all stink son . stink son . then they called me stink son . thats not even my name . what happened . our familys been ostracized for lots of things , but never our hygiene . rarely our hygiene . never my hygiene . i think i know where the smell is coming from . mold . its worse than a grampa hug in the summer . i thought smelly clothes only happened to working mothers . this is all the money ive found in homers pants pockets over the years . i was saving it to buy a spice rack instead of always renting one . but i guess well have to spend this money on a new washing machine . we cannot continue on as the stink sons . oh , stink sons . hey . when i return , we will no longer have to wear attic clothes . mmm smoked meat . mmm . move it , fat ass . im trying to text . oh , i spilled my pee jar . watch it , stink son . a roadside barbecue stand . everything tastes better when its near a road . try a taste . guaranteed to blow your mouths mind . mmm . oh , look at em go . oh , charred and moist . like satans burps . the grill marks are shaped like a honeycomb . thats why i call her the hive . shes been passed down through my family for generations . they say the hives made from a meteor which burned off my great grandpappys beard , exposing his weak chin to the entire township . it was a gift from the heavens . the perfect smoker . the hive has never been cooled down , never been cleaned . mixing meat , fat and smoke into pure magic . mmm smoked me . you look like a man who needs a smoker in his life . it just so happens that the hive is available for purchase . but why would you give up your most prized possession . thatd be like stephen hawking selling his talking motorcycle . my old lady and i are saving up to live our dream of moving further away from our grandchildren . but if i dont come home with a washing machine , my wife will be so mad . oh , should i do the thing im supposed to do or the thing everybody knows im gonna do . you bought a grill .  . its not a grill . its a smoker . that you can grill on . that money was supposed to de stink our children , and instead you bought a doo hickey to stuff your greedy face . dont worry , homer . nothing fixes bad times like good food . also , i died . hmm . huh . mmm . mmm . mmm . i cant believe you cooked this . well , the secret to barbecue is sitting around doing nothing . no wonder im great at it . mmm smoky carrot . and , maggie , this is for you . come on , just one bite . nah uh . uh huh . never . ever . forget it . remember it . no way , jose . s way , josefina . nothin doing . everythin undoing . oh , fine . one bite . oh . homie , i finally understand gluttony . welcome to america , baby . sorry for dropping by , but we smelled your barbecue and couldnt resist . heres some carl slaw to go with it . i call it carl slaw, , because i bought it . look how popular we are . that smoker is the best thing that ever happened to us . thank goodness for your selfish choices . i make them all for you . yeah , im looking for a barbecue bozo name of homer simpson . whoa , thats chew networks celebrity chef scotty boom . hes the host of side dish impossible , master prison chef and kill it , chill it , grill it . yeah , how you doing , everybody . im scotty boom , and im challenging you to an eat down . whats that  some kind of eat down . its my new show where i use my big time new york city chef skills to obliterate amateur cooks . who would watch such a one sided farce . im in . this eat downs gonna throw down at the springfield barbecue festival . and when im done , youre gonna wish you never heard of food . buy my cookware . im competing against scotty boom . hes got what all great chefs have  yelling . all homer . homer . homer . you were right , greasy hobo . nothing fixes bad times like good food . up here , i can watch anyone in the world take a shower . okay , pork , im gonna throw you in that magic smoker for hours and win that cook off . i only wish you could be alive to see it . then i suppose this is my last chance to say i love you . aw oh , no . our smokers been stolen . why .  . and when .  . you didnt lock it up . you fat idiot . im out of here . youll find the hive , right . tell me youll find my smoker . ah , dont you worry . the springfield pd is on the case . ah , yeah . uh , well , i wouldnt get your hopes up . high end barbeques like yours are easy pickings . smokeheads grab them at night , clean them up . next thing you know , its cooking another familys hot dogs . humanity  what a joke . so , its gone . its really gone . all thats left is the smell of burning hickory and three tiny little wheel prints . good night , sweet prints . so you lost your grill . snap out of it , you big fat baby . son , this is so much more than just losing an outdoor cooking device . how to explain this to a child . this is the death of hope . what are you talking about . everything good that comes into our lives , the universe takes away . so from now on , im just gonna lie here and never care again . come on , you know your life sucks . just get drunk like you always do . i dont want to . look at him . hes lying there like a beached whale waiting to explode . maybe we should try to track down that smoker . i dont know . the whole barbequing scene is pretty pro meat . and all that smoke pollutes the environment . this isnt about your boyfriend , the planet . ive never seen him this beaten down . okay , look for clues . are there any mud samples we can trace to local heaths and moors . sorry , ive been watching a lot of sherlock . knock it off , boy . i dont have any meat for you . get down . wait . santas little helper was in the yard last night when the smoker was stolen , but he didnt make a peep . why . natural peanut butter . what if someone gave this to the dog so hed be licking instead of barking while they took the smoker .  . you got a clue , boy . a clue . whos a smart dog . whos a smart dog . announcer youre watching eat down with scotty boom . come on , homie . we cant let this empire state jabroni beat us . this week i took on the gilbert family of portland , maine . theyve been making clam chowder for generations . how is that better than something i spent a day on . i win . manhattan chowder , baby . nyc . greatest city , greatest chowder . the gilbert family has learned a valuable lesson  screw everything . dad , were gonna find that smoker . to try is to fail . theres only one store in town that sells all natural peanut butter . dont worry , i know how to talk to these people . thank goodness you have organic fennel . the fennel at the farmers market is only transitional . typical . small farmers ruining it for the really small farmers . so , could you maybe tell me who bought this brand of peanut butter . oh , excuse me , im sorry . you want me to violate my customers privacy . who are you working for . the nsa . big pharma . amazon prime . tell us . tell us . tell us . tell us . my hoops . my ridiculous flesh hoops . there . someones ringing up peanut butter . nelson . what are you playing there , nelson . clash of castles . so what if it is . your castles pretty well defended . level six catapults . level seven sorcerers . maxed out trolls . uh , yeah , well . yeah , gets the job done . i tell you , those are some nice upgrades . expensive upgrades . upgrades like that cost gems . and gems cost cash . expensive cash . whered you get the cash , nelson . i dont use gems . im a grinder . a grinder . what are they . theyre like televisions but they just keep going . hes meeting with someone . thats always a sign of guilt . hope you dont mind . i cooked some dinner on it . mmm . ah , smell you later . this is our chance . both hot . hot . hot . hot . hot . hot . hot . hot . hot . hot . hot . hot . the universe does hate us . it feels good to surrender . good girl , maggie . give up young . get up off that floor . we are on a head to cook off thatll be shown on tv and probably some planes . we dont have the smoker . just let us forfeit with dignity . we still have to try . this isnt a family of quitters . sure we are . we always have been and more so now . im a quitter . and ill back down to anyone who says im not . come on , buddhists arent quitters . actually , mom , buddhism is really just quitting in yoga pants . this is a live strong bracelet . lance armstrong never quit . he never quit the tour de france . he never quit lying about his steroid use . and he still hasnt totally come clean . now get in the car . moe eat down . eat down . eat down . yee haw . i can handle this barbeque competition . all i need is a little help from an old friend . im alton brown and welcome to eat down . today scotty boom takes on the simpsons in and i can tell you this  it will be edited to be dramatic . marge , do you think your meat has what it takes to win this eat down . it sure does . homer , what about you . no way in hell . what about you kids . are you pumped up to beat scotty boom . happiness is an illusion . what she said . looks like the simpsons are playing mind games with you , scotty . are you feeling the pressure . no pressure . im throwing down the taste of new york . my recipes infused with times square , the bronx zoo and the sex and the city walking tour . the simpsons better bring their a game . homer f . f game . i call this my never give brisket . the secret ingredient is hope . mm . how many spices did you put in this . all of them . ive never seen such unusual grill marks . this pattern looks like a honeycomb . what . that meat was cooked on the hive . this garlic sucking tunnel trash stole our smoker . ah , this little flyovers crazy . i cooked that meat myself right here over here . the grill marks dont match . dead meat doesnt lie . scotty boom , you are hereby banned from the chew network . you are no longer a celebrity chef . youre just a chef . take him away , chief . grand theft smoker . sounds like a crime to me . apparently , the winner of the eat down is the simpsons . isnt this a little too easy . why would a professional chef cheat . and how does nelson fit in . and where the heck is our smoker . thats the ringtone from the scrapyard . lisa get him . bones . bones . im covered in death . my hoops . dad , stop him . im done trying . dad , please . no ones asking you to care . just trip a stranger . a kid . whyd you steal our smoker . whyd you frame scotty boom . cause hes my dad . im tyler boom . huh . my dad is so busy shooting his tv shows and going to the openings and closings of his restaurants i never see him . you destroyed your dads career so hed spend more time with you . aw i met this kid nelson playing clash of castles online . you know , i knew my dad was coming to your town , so i hired nelson to take your smoker . and then my nanny cooked some meat on it and switched it so it looked like my dad cheated . this was the only way . the only way i thought of . son , why didnt you tell me i was a terrible father . because im from new york . we dont talk about our feelings , huh . yeah , i understand , son . im from new york , too . fdr drive . the west side highway . investment banking . the gallery scene . knicks suck . oh , papa . they suck so hard . one more thing , tyler . wheres the hive . oh youre always so much hotter than i think youre gonna be . thanks , guys , for not giving up , then giving up , then not giving up again , then i forget . bbq is like family  the cheap cuts of meat that nobody wants . but if you treat them right , they turn into the best thing in the world . yeah , barbecues yummy . chinese is pretty good , too . meh , it depends on the place . from the dusty mesa her looming shadow grows hidden in the branches of the poison creosote she twines her spines up slowly towards the boiling sun and when i touched her skin my fingers ran with blood . pit master im out of here . springfield . instead well watch a movie that made me fall in love with showing movies ive watched to other people . thats right , the classic doctor dolittle , which answers the question what if an elderly unmarried doctor decided to focus his practice on animals . the running time is minutes . the running time is now . hes been giving that horse an eye exam forever . milhouse its a carrot , stupid . isnt it a pity youre a seal . kids ew . that dudes making it with a fish . i kissed a light socket once , and i woke up in a helicopter . this is the world of dr . dolittle the wonderful world of dr . dolittle this is anthony newley at his worst . where crocodiles talk and elephants sing and animals do most any old thing . my friend the doctor and me . that movie was so bad , it actually stinks . whoa , its not the movie . its bart . i dont stink . youre just smelling the old boogers in your noses . you got to pick those things  its called hygiene . if i may join in the mockery , lisa simpson also has an appalling odor . what . i dont smell . girls dont smell . sorry , girl , but you smell . stink sons . stink sons . kids stink sons . stink sons . children can be so cruel . all stink son . stink son . then they called me stink son . thats not even my name . what happened . our familys been ostracized for lots of things , but never our hygiene . rarely our hygiene . never my hygiene . i think i know where the smell is coming from . mold . its worse than a grampa hug in the summer . i thought smelly clothes only happened to working mothers . this is all the money ive found in homers pants pockets over the years . i was saving it to buy a spice rack instead of always renting one . but i guess well have to spend this money on a new washing machine . we cannot continue on as the stink sons . oh , stink sons . hey . when i return , we will no longer have to wear attic clothes . mmm smoked meat . mmm . move it , fat ass . im trying to text . oh , i spilled my pee jar . watch it , stink son . a roadside barbecue stand . everything tastes better when its near a road . try a taste . guaranteed to blow your mouths mind . mmm . oh , look at em go . oh , charred and moist . like satans burps . the grill marks are shaped like a honeycomb . thats why i call her the hive . shes been passed down through my family for generations . they say the hives made from a meteor which burned off my great grandpappys beard , exposing his weak chin to the entire township . it was a gift from the heavens . the perfect smoker . the hive has never been cooled down , never been cleaned . mixing meat , fat and smoke into pure magic . mmm smoked me . you look like a man who needs a smoker in his life . it just so happens that the hive is available for purchase . but why would you give up your most prized possession . thatd be like stephen hawking selling his talking motorcycle . my old lady and i are saving up to live our dream of moving further away from our grandchildren . but if i dont come home with a washing machine , my wife will be so mad . oh , should i do the thing im supposed to do or the thing everybody knows im gonna do . you bought a grill .  . its not a grill . its a smoker . that you can grill on . that money was supposed to de stink our children , and instead you bought a doo hickey to stuff your greedy face . dont worry , homer . nothing fixes bad times like good food . also , i died . hmm . huh . mmm . mmm . mmm . i cant believe you cooked this . well , the secret to barbecue is sitting around doing nothing . no wonder im great at it . mmm smoky carrot . and , maggie , this is for you . come on , just one bite . nah uh . uh huh . never . ever . forget it . remember it . no way , jose . s way , josefina . nothin doing . everythin undoing . oh , fine . one bite . oh . homie , i finally understand gluttony . welcome to america , baby . sorry for dropping by , but we smelled your barbecue and couldnt resist . heres some carl slaw to go with it . i call it carl slaw, , because i bought it . look how popular we are . that smoker is the best thing that ever happened to us . thank goodness for your selfish choices . i make them all for you . yeah , im looking for a barbecue bozo name of homer simpson . whoa , thats chew networks celebrity chef scotty boom . hes the host of side dish impossible , master prison chef and kill it , chill it , grill it . yeah , how you doing , everybody . im scotty boom , and im challenging you to an eat down . whats that  some kind of eat down . its my new show where i use my big time new york city chef skills to obliterate amateur cooks . who would watch such a one sided farce . im in . this eat downs gonna throw down at the springfield barbecue festival . and when im done , youre gonna wish you never heard of food . buy my cookware . im competing against scotty boom . hes got what all great chefs have  yelling . all homer . homer . homer . you were right , greasy hobo . nothing fixes bad times like good food . up here , i can watch anyone in the world take a shower . okay , pork , im gonna throw you in that magic smoker for hours and win that cook off . i only wish you could be alive to see it . then i suppose this is my last chance to say i love you . aw oh , no . our smokers been stolen . why .  . and when .  . you didnt lock it up . you fat idiot . im out of here . youll find the hive , right . tell me youll find my smoker . ah , dont you worry . the springfield pd is on the case . ah , yeah . uh , well , i wouldnt get your hopes up . high end barbeques like yours are easy pickings . smokeheads grab them at night , clean them up . next thing you know , its cooking another familys hot dogs . humanity  what a joke . so , its gone . its really gone . all thats left is the smell of burning hickory and three tiny little wheel prints . good night , sweet prints . so you lost your grill . snap out of it , you big fat baby . son , this is so much more than just losing an outdoor cooking device . how to explain this to a child . this is the death of hope . what are you talking about . everything good that comes into our lives , the universe takes away . so from now on , im just gonna lie here and never care again . come on , you know your life sucks . just get drunk like you always do . i dont want to . look at him . hes lying there like a beached whale waiting to explode . maybe we should try to track down that smoker . i dont know . the whole barbequing scene is pretty pro meat . and all that smoke pollutes the environment . this isnt about your boyfriend , the planet . ive never seen him this beaten down . okay , look for clues . are there any mud samples we can trace to local heaths and moors . sorry , ive been watching a lot of sherlock . knock it off , boy . i dont have any meat for you . get down . wait . santas little helper was in the yard last night when the smoker was stolen , but he didnt make a peep . why . natural peanut butter . what if someone gave this to the dog so hed be licking instead of barking while they took the smoker .  . you got a clue , boy . a clue . whos a smart dog . whos a smart dog . announcer youre watching eat down with scotty boom . come on , homie . we cant let this empire state jabroni beat us . this week i took on the gilbert family of portland , maine . theyve been making clam chowder for generations . how is that better than something i spent a day on . i win . manhattan chowder , baby . nyc . greatest city , greatest chowder . the gilbert family has learned a valuable lesson  screw everything . dad , were gonna find that smoker . to try is to fail . theres only one store in town that sells all natural peanut butter . dont worry , i know how to talk to these people . thank goodness you have organic fennel . the fennel at the farmers market is only transitional . typical . small farmers ruining it for the really small farmers . so , could you maybe tell me who bought this brand of peanut butter . oh , excuse me , im sorry . you want me to violate my customers privacy . who are you working for . the nsa . big pharma . amazon prime . tell us . tell us . tell us . tell us . my hoops . my ridiculous flesh hoops . there . someones ringing up peanut butter . nelson . what are you playing there , nelson . clash of castles . so what if it is . your castles pretty well defended . level six catapults . level seven sorcerers . maxed out trolls . uh , yeah , well . yeah , gets the job done . i tell you , those are some nice upgrades . expensive upgrades . upgrades like that cost gems . and gems cost cash . expensive cash . whered you get the cash , nelson . i dont use gems . im a grinder . a grinder . what are they . theyre like televisions but they just keep going . hes meeting with someone . thats always a sign of guilt . hope you dont mind . i cooked some dinner on it . mmm . ah , smell you later . this is our chance . both hot . hot . hot . hot . hot . hot . hot . hot . hot . hot . hot . hot . the universe does hate us . it feels good to surrender . good girl , maggie . give up young . get up off that floor . we are on a head to cook off thatll be shown on tv and probably some planes . we dont have the smoker . just let us forfeit with dignity . we still have to try . this isnt a family of quitters . sure we are . we always have been and more so now . im a quitter . and ill back down to anyone who says im not . come on , buddhists arent quitters . actually , mom , buddhism is really just quitting in yoga pants . this is a live strong bracelet . lance armstrong never quit . he never quit the tour de france . he never quit lying about his steroid use . and he still hasnt totally come clean . now get in the car . moe eat down . eat down . eat down . yee haw . i can handle this barbeque competition . all i need is a little help from an old friend . im alton brown and welcome to eat down . today scotty boom takes on the simpsons in and i can tell you this  it will be edited to be dramatic . marge , do you think your meat has what it takes to win this eat down . it sure does . homer , what about you . no way in hell . what about you kids . are you pumped up to beat scotty boom . happiness is an illusion . what she said . looks like the simpsons are playing mind games with you , scotty . are you feeling the pressure . no pressure . im throwing down the taste of new york . my recipes infused with times square , the bronx zoo and the sex and the city walking tour . the simpsons better bring their a game . homer f . f game . i call this my never give brisket . the secret ingredient is hope . mm . how many spices did you put in this . all of them . ive never seen such unusual grill marks . this pattern looks like a honeycomb . what . that meat was cooked on the hive . this garlic sucking tunnel trash stole our smoker . ah , this little flyovers crazy . i cooked that meat myself right here over here . the grill marks dont match . dead meat doesnt lie . scotty boom , you are hereby banned from the chew network . you are no longer a celebrity chef . youre just a chef . take him away , chief . grand theft smoker . sounds like a crime to me . apparently , the winner of the eat down is the simpsons . isnt this a little too easy . why would a professional chef cheat . and how does nelson fit in . and where the heck is our smoker . thats the ringtone from the scrapyard . lisa get him . bones . bones . im covered in death . my hoops . dad , stop him . im done trying . dad , please . no ones asking you to care . just trip a stranger . a kid . whyd you steal our smoker . whyd you frame scotty boom . cause hes my dad . im tyler boom . huh . my dad is so busy shooting his tv shows and going to the openings and closings of his restaurants i never see him . you destroyed your dads career so hed spend more time with you . aw i met this kid nelson playing clash of castles online . you know , i knew my dad was coming to your town , so i hired nelson to take your smoker . and then my nanny cooked some meat on it and switched it so it looked like my dad cheated . this was the only way . the only way i thought of . son , why didnt you tell me i was a terrible father . because im from new york . we dont talk about our feelings , huh . yeah , i understand , son . im from new york , too . fdr drive . the west side highway . investment banking . the gallery scene . knicks suck . oh , papa . they suck so hard . one more thing , tyler . wheres the hive . oh youre always so much hotter than i think youre gonna be . thanks , guys , for not giving up , then giving up , then not giving up again , then i forget . bbq is like family  the cheap cuts of meat that nobody wants . but if you treat them right , they turn into the best thing in the world . yeah , barbecues yummy . chinese is pretty good , too . meh , it depends on the place . from the dusty mesa her looming shadow grows hidden in the branches of the poison creosote she twines her spines up slowly towards the boiling sun and when i touched her skin my fingers ran with blood . pit master im out of here . springfield . announcer nocturnal cravings . a positive ultrasound . how could this womans doctor not know she was pregnant . a baby . an astronaut baby . hey . oh , have you ever turned on a tv . its my mothers birthday . and you only turn once . or , in the case of most people , no times . now , put your good clothes on . im already in a dress and pearls , and im eight years old . cant we go to her st birthday . thats the big one . why does visiting my family always have to be so hard . because , face it , marge , your family doesnt like me . never did , not even when i had hair and a future and a bitchin pontiac gto . where is that car , homer . i went to a music festival , and i couldnt remember where i parked it . im a space cowboy . homie , i feel about my family like you felt about that car . no one loves a person that much . please go , for me . all right , but remember the signal . if i tug my ear , its time for us to leave . im switching to my left ear because of what happened last time . uh uh, , no you dont . your grandmother knit this for you , so act like you wear it all the time . she has a juice box . why cant i have a juice box . because when she sticks in the straw , she doesnt slip and hit an artery . oh , ill never have juice . all happy birthday to you happy birthday , dear mom grandma all of the above all happy birthday to you . thank you . jacqueline , i took the money i usually give to con artists and preachers and bought you these flowers . oh , nothing tops a simple romantic gesture . except a rich man flaunting his wealth . the one thing i cant beat  competition . oh , jacqueline , i fell in love with you the moment i came down with dementia . so to win your heart , i got you an old fashioned music player . meh . mr . yo yo ma . no one said thered be music . theres always room for cello . plays cello suite no . by bach i know when im licked , burns . shes yours . um , not interested . i just dont want you to have her . wow , thats the meanest thing i ever heard , and i used to practice cello on the subway . doh . im next . whee . hey , you two , quit having fun . trust me , nothing ive done today has been fun . hey , the plastics here for a reason  to keep the couch clean . watch and learn , boy . voil now i take a simple napkin and whos ready to see some slides of us as teenagers . here are the slides . oh , just one box . five terabytes . thats over carousels of family fun . heres us walking up the steps of teotihuacns pyramid of the sun . walking , stopping , walking . walking , . oh . hmm . stopping , . oh . walking , blister popping . huh . walking , . stopping , walking , oh , i sure miss dad . were here to watch old photos , not reminisce . walking , how did grampa bouvier die . no ones ever told us . you know what , i actually dont know . me neither . not a clue . girls , im afraid i didnt tell any of you for a reason . the real story , and it was something people were ashamed to say at the time , is that he died of lung cancer . mom , how could you know that and still let us smoke . i thought it made you look cool . hey , lis , do you think i can climb walls like spider man with denture cream on my hands . nope . next time , you should wait for my answer . knock it off , your grandmothers bathroom is not a toy chest . oh , vicodin . i think its time , selma dear . time we quit smoking . well , anyway , happy birthday . man , i cant believe your sisters stopped smoking . i just hope they dont put on weight . hmm . youre so fat . youre even fatter . damn straight . no one out fats me . time for beddy bye . now , dont sleep on your stomach . or is it your back . can never remember . whichever is the comfortable one , dont do that . say hello to fun . oh , yeah . oh , no . hoppy . in this house maggie is safe . excuse me , id like a license to operate heavy machinery . we dont do that here . please . to me , everything is heavy . no . patty , what are you doing . selma quit smoking , and shes never been nicer . heres your new license . under eyes , i put red and dilated . oh , thank you , sir . selma , not smoking hasnt affected you at all . how is that possible . i even smell cigarette smoke when its not around . like right now . maybe youre having a stroke . phantom smells are a symptom . eh , whats the penalty for driving a tractor drunk through a renaissance faire . cant help you  i might be having a stroke . i have to consult a competent medical professional . got that . got that . who doesnt have that . anyone here to get an ambulance license . that would be me . here you go . i lied . patty , all your tests are positive . i mean , negative . always get those two confused . youre fine . but i still smell smoke . thats odd . so do i . do you smell anything , selma . hmm , uh uh, , nope . wait a minute . are you smoking . thats right , i am . i quit for only ten minutes before i relapsed . and it was the best cigarette of my life . i have never been angrier at you . me , too  this is a hospital . if you want to smoke , go do it in the stairwell with the doctors . ill miss you so much . leave me jub jub . fine . at least you still smoke . i hate it when you and selma fight . me , too . i also hate it when they agree . homer , please be nice . pattys our guest . for how long . wheres she gonna sleep . on our couch . thats where we do our couch gags . see . oh , fine . shell stay with the baby . well , magster , it looks like you and i are going to be cellmates . nature . shoo . shoo . ive got a hot curling iron . hold this . oh , marge , the kids are all asleep and the dogs been walked . theres only one thing left to do . did you turn the security alarm on . its still broken . oh , well , then come here , you . what the hell was that .  . its just my sister snoring . she has a very fatty septum . but it doesnt have to ruin our fun . okay , which of you kids knows how to drive . and which is sober . whew , thank god for designated dorothy . all right , everybody go to bed . those of you who got to get up early , sleep on top of the pile . hey , brandine . i caught us a possum . you want to name it before we eat it or after . during . beauregard , youve been promoted from guarding my family to guarding this possum . thats a good dog . lift with your legs . hmm . hey , baby . how about that rain check for last night . patty aah . aah . aah , dont look at me . but youre everywhere . freak . dont you ever knock . aah ah . get out of here , go away . thank god im blind . yo , im next . no . whoa . what the hell . i did that with love , boy . whats all the hubbub . oh , thank you , dad . its okay , son . thank you , thank you , thank you . its okay , its okay . no , really , thank you , thank you , thank you . its okay , its okay , its okay . all right , already . just take a shower . i need someone to talk to . thank god ive got a past full of lonely men to draw from . mm hmm . disco stu is over you . oh , disco stu needs a zoloft or two . who am i kidding . the one i should be talking to is the one whos always been there for me my cigarette . forget about your sister . youve got me . for the rest of your life ill be the first thing you think about every morning . and the last thing you do every night . hmm , looks like i have a choice to make . oh . im in your hair . uh listen , about this morning , im sorry i walked in on you . oh . oh , yeah . im about to say something i never thought id say to you  something nice . hmm . i only mock you because im jealous of what marge has in you . i only have selma . and now i dont even have that . oh , patty , ive waited so long for you to open a window of niceness . that was it . window shut . ah , what the heck . ew , . aah ah . what are you doing here . apologizing . and i want you to know i quit smoking for good . you quit for me . i quit for us . hmm , thats actually more selfish . but it sounds really nice . okay , maggie , throw the ball to me . throw the ball . okay , how about i throw the ball . its okay . youll learn to do things after youre a baby . spider pig . lets see , we got possum pot pie , general changs possum with cashews , possum foam with pouch reduction . hey , save your hissing for the frying pan . what the . its a bunch of animals acting like humans . oh , well , there goes our dinner . and i had such a delightful moonshine pairing for it , too . got points from robert trailerparker . dang . okay , well , uh , possums gone . but you got fingernails to chew on . who knows whats under them . oh , i got pizza . i got poop . its nice to have you back , patty . i had to do some things i regretted cause you were gone . you said it was for real this time . i said what you wanted to hear . disco stu is back on tinder . its nice to be back . since ive stopped smoking , my sense of smell has really come back . uh huh . who knew a small apartment with two women , a baby and an iguana would smell so bad . cigarette . yes . ah . heres to smoking and you . two things thatll always be in my heart . is this a happy ending . its edgy . together forever and never to part together forever , we two . hoppy , youre back . hey , brandine . put out the fancy possum china . ive heard of wanting a cracker , but becoming one  oh , no . shh . springfield . wait , . the gravestones could be a little more crooked . oh . and light it up . bleh , . halloween at the simpsons . what a classic tradition . are you heading up to the tree house to tell three horrifying tales . ah , were doing it next week . its gonna be psycho with skinner and his mom , muppet wizard of oz  im scarecrow fozzie and then , uh , one where furniture gets smart and takes over the world or something . mmm . sounds chilling . eh . people love it . everscream terrors looks amazing this year . ive never seen black cats with such arched backs . well , you gotta bring it . halloweening your house is a dying art . more and more people are turning off their porch lights and pretending theyre not home . halloween skippers . skippers . how can you reject a holiday where you can serve candy from a salad bowl . bad news , dad . you stored the plastic skeletons too close to the furnace . eh , ill take it to the old folks home and tell grampa its his new roommate . everyone in the car . were making a skeleton run to the halloween pop up store . oh , while were there we can get a costume for the dog . nothing says you love a pet like letting him be part of the human fun . who wants to be a yoda . you want to be a yoda . oh . oh . oh , man , i cant wait for tonight . im finally old enough for krustyland halloween horror night . oh , yeah , they do it up right . wait till you try the black cotton candy . it tastes just like cotton candy . tomorrow , when my friends ask me about it , im going to say , eh , it wasnt that big a deal . but its gonna be a really , big deal . welcome , seasonal customer , to my pop up emporium . behold my terrifying joke name . a boo . hmm , you know , i actually like that better . hey , . why are you not working . cause im still coming down from huffing all that glow stick juice , man . oh , im strung out on silly string . go , . back to work . go de tangle the novelty cobwebs , you lazy trick or trash . arent you being a little hard on them . mrs . simpson , these are pop up people . temporary workers who drift from town to town , holiday to holiday , living off candy hearts and sleeping on easter grass . if i do not show them a firm hand , they would rob me like striped hamburger thief robs restaurant meat clown . oh . mariachi skeletons . theyre spooky , but they also teach you about mexico . psst . hey , big man , how about this deal you buy one from me  in cash  and ill load three more into your car for free . that is a great deal . just dont tell old man squishee about it . hmm . you got some great guys working here . they just gave me a really good deal . really . tell me of this deal . okay , but dont tell old man squishee about it . we hate him . get out . out , all of you . pop up scum . out . no one rips off apu nahasapeemapetilon . now take your suspiciously full duffle bags and go . youre gonna be real sorry for getting us fired . well , im sorry now . yeah , youre gonna be . i said , im sorry now . we said youre gonna be . i know when im sorry , and im sorry now . you guys dont know me at all . krusty hand stamp required for re entry . thats not scary . i thought this was going to be scary . scary . thats really , uh , anatomical . lot of anatomy there . oh , yeah , the gore is super realistic . its gotta be  todays consumer is just too sophisticated . ah . i want to go home . i want to go home . what . no . we just got here . lisa , honey , i think you should stay . and not because the tickets were super expensive , even though they were super expensive . but remember , you were really looking forward to the fun of being scared by stuff you know isnt real . unlike the money i spent on this , which is very real . okay . okay , ill give it another try . good , now take my hand and ill walk you through this roiling zombie horde . this isnt real . this isnt real . this isnt real . this isnt real . sir . sir . i im not hold on , lisa , daddys picking out a pretzel topping . sir . oh no , im lost . okay , find a grown up . find a grown up . excuse me , im lost . could you please help me i cant find my family and im really scared and i sir , looks like weve got a scaredy pants situation here . zoom in and scan for fear . terror level seven and rising . shut it down . shut it all down . shut the whole damn thing down . supervisor attention . bring all laughter and exhilaration to a complete stop . the terrifying good time is on hold . we have located and are removing the baby that thinks this is real . reset time is minutes . all parking validations are now void . sir mm hmm . lisa , arent you going to wear your costume to school . no , im not doing halloween this year . oh , sweetie , i know you had a scare last night . but you worked so hard on your frida kahlo outfit . maybe just wear the eyebrow and mustache . no . no . you kids look great . delightful . no place like home . hold on , simpson . lets take a look at that buccaneer costume . no weapons , of course . bandana , possible gang wear . eye patch , offensive to the half blind . oh , and just to reassure those who are afraid of pirates no . leave me alone . leave me alone . lisa homer i think we should take down everscream terrors . wha  w we we cant . im the mozart of halloween decorations , and tonight is the super bowl . lisas in a bad place . you know how sensitive she is . we dont want her to go back to tailee . no , she wouldnt . she couldnt . not tailee . where is she . homer oh . oh . ah , lets see . oh , god . were too late . the glue stick didnt hold . so , tailees back . hmm . tailee just makes me feel so safe . i dont know why i ever gave it up . it breaks my heart that lisa cant deal with her emotions without a crutch . well , kids are weak , marge . oh , yeah . no . no . stop it . why are you taking down everscream terrors . our house has to be a halloween free zone . your sister has a tummy ache in her courage . what . lisa goes nuts and you turn us into skippers .  . i know what this makes us . i know . honey , i knew youd be upset , and that youd think only of yourself . so im taking you to the best trick or block party in the tri springfield area . theres a dad whos a deejay . even an e . t . who says your name . what if i tell the e . t . my name is a swear . hell have to say it . then im in . nelson haw . okay , sweetie , just you and me spending a regular eve together . nothing hallows about it . im sorry i ruined halloween , dad . ruined . why , you just created a new holiday puzzle wednesday . a tabby and a calico . i wouldnt want to be that ribbon . oh , trick or . dont worry , ill get rid of them . trick or treat . porch lights off , kids . dont you know what that means . were not here for candy , big man . hey , youre those pop up scuzzos . what do you scuzzos want . we want our jobs back . look , i dont want to be rude , but you sad losers should go suck somewhere else . that . oh , that was just a kindly priest here to bless our home . i told him to keep moving . hey . another visitor . isnt life funny and safe . cant you jerks take a hint .  . huh . hmm , . thugs creepy nursery rhyme like in every movie . mind games . whoa , look at this line . this neighborhood has to be good . sorry , maam , residents only . too many randos crashed the block party last year , so spine chills is pine hills only . mom , you said we could go here . we will , we will . look , ive got a groupon here for a zip line adventure . let us in , and its yours . zip lining is everything to me , but if i take that , im not worth the folding chair im sitting on . now , turn around and go . bart aw , a bounce house . aw e . t .  . e . t . hello , scrotum . oh . its over . i missed halloween . i cant let lisa know were being stalked by vengeful seasonal thugs . ill just whistle a happy tune . why are you locking up the house . why . youve wh why does anything happen . why are blue jeans blue . who invented haircuts . its all just stuff im saying . oh . how did that get there . okay , intruders in the house . intruders in the house . got to call the cops . wheres my cell phone . they took my cell phone . and they forgot to pay my phone bill . wait , why are we going to mr . flanders house . oh , you know , to see his kids . i want to finally find out which one is rod and which one is max . tailee , i left him inside . oh . doh . lisa . lisa . lisa . lisa dad . oh . oh , lisa . youre here , were safe . everythings fine . except for this inexplicable fog . boo . oh , my god . lisa oh , my god . homer no . we got to get out of here . lisa he smells so bad . come on , this way . oh , my god , dad , help . this way . come on . give me a hit off that fog machine . we got a fat man to beat on . man here we come . man were coming to get you . okay , i dont think those pop up guys saw us come up here . this isnt real , this isnt real , this isnt real . honey , im your dad . ive lied to you more times than there are stars in the sky . but i got to be straight . this is real . okay , halloween isnt over yet . we can still squeeze in some solid trick or . hurry , go , . what . whats the rush . go , have fun . theres still time . its too late . the change is upon us . the children are all sleeping not one kiddie on the streets the funs just starting for mommy and daddy sexy tricks both and boozy treats drunken hobbits hit on slutty crayons policeman dressed as bondage frankenstein your kids teacher in a steampunk orgy ha grown ups become monsters after its time for grown up halloween close your eyes if youre under its my chance to show boobs live my fantasy cause tomorrow morning we wont remember a thing our lives are awful and dreary so tonight were going way , too far hide your kids this cannot be unseen its naked , wasted , grown up halloween . cant hide forever , thumb head . sooner or later , youre gonna have to buy thanksgiving decoration , and well be waiting by the indian corn . oh , no , now theyre trashing our stuff . oh , theyve tangled up my wind chimes . how will i know when the wind is blowing . i hate this , i hate feeling afraid . maybe i shouldnt admit this to my daughter , but im scared , too , but you cant let fear shut down your brain , because between the two of us , weve only got one good one . ive got it . what if we use these decorations to signal for help . youre right . i may not be the smartest dad or the bravest or the smartest , but i am great at one thing  drawing attention to our home . if were gonna get out of this , were going to need every holiday youve got . ay , halloween is so bueno oh , the seor skeletinos . he must have leaned on the try me button . were coming to get you . and no fancy ceiling door is gonna stop us . man almost got it . stuck . theyre coming  hurry . time to wake up the neighborhood . doh . doh . here we go . hurry . light the fireworks . the match wont stay lit  its too windy . ive got something that will burn . are you sure . yes , this ratty piece of polyester has been soaking in face oil for eight years . light him up . good bye, , tailee . what the . huh . now plug it in . help , . help , were up here . everscream terrors needs our help . we can get plastered and hit on our coworkers later . come on . get em , zardoz . sexy drunks , stop them . tragic , really . for are these guys not victims , too , in a way , of our disposable pop up culture . when you get out , look me up . i know a guy who owns a store . those places are open year round . the holidays will come and go , but well stay . grown up halloween seemed pretty fun . i saw an areola . oh , man , this is the lamest night of my entire miserable li yes . everscream terrors is back . stop it , stop it , this will scare lisa . boo . my brave girl . i burned tailee . foolish simpsons . this was not their typical halloween experience . wow , cool alien voice , lenny . thanks , ive been practicing it . as a mat oh , damn it , i lost it . shh . springfield . on this filthy night of evil little gaudy beggars stroll as they lure ghouls , ghosts and goblins hungry for their innocent souls there is a hellish breeze a groanin as the children they pursue you can hear their bellies moanin they might even gnaw on you but ruler of this sordid host more ghastly than them all lurks a ravenous beastly monster more than feet tall hes dirty and hes hairy and his mouth tastes just like crap like you , hes trick or for some candies to unwrap the lord abhors your foul disguise you thought to cloak your skin but now youve lured this fiend from hell who craves your soul within hes hungry for your vitals he likes you moist and ripe and should he find you spiced with sin then youre his favorite type hell chew your juicy insides masticate you till youre pulp every little soul hell swallow with a stinky ass gulp . ow . theres no such thing as ghosts , you dumb kids . and now its time for the cartoon . students . we have a winner . i didnt throw up , i held it in . no winner . house keeps the money . oh , man , i got to see this . huh . mr . largo . hmm , somethings wrong . that music is in tune . hello , bart . sideshow bob . twas i who texted you . using milhouses phone . did you know his wallpaper is american girl doll . now let me put this in terms any young boy would understand you and i have danced a grand pas de deux worthy of nijinsky . but this is the final pli . yawn . you couldnt kill me with that thing if i drew an x on my forehead . bob and his spear gun sittin in a tree s u nice try , bob , but im sure you made some stupid mistake . not this time . tell my father hes fat . the deed is done . to kill a ten year child have finally paid off . i did it , i did it , i did it i killed bart dead la , lots of blood i did what could not be done to bugs bunny by elmer fudd . fortunately its after school hours . good bye . a votre sant . you wouldnt know , but that means to your health , of which you have none . barts father . barts dog . wheres bart . i dont know who youre talking about . this bart . well , i suppose that does look damning , but have you seen this . oh . ah . hes cool . lets move on to the next suspect . well , id better check it out . not to complain , but your stomach acids are smoothing the dimples off my balls . its time i moved to my post bartum phase . ive accepted an associate professorship at springfield university . i should have been a pair of ragged claws , scuttling across the floors of silent seas . what do eliots ragged claws represent . yeah , um this web site says the claws arent a metaphor , but , like , an insight to a state of mind . crushed it . what web site . forward the link . text me . tweet the link . where is it . i didnt think the author of cats could be insulted further . class dismissed . rubbish . drivel . what is this game of thrones theyre referencing . i was a fool to think id find solace amongst these moronic , snapchatting , gap yearing hello , bart . it seems the only thing that made me happy in my accursed life was killing you . well , if white zinfandel can make a comeback , so can you . oh , those bastards know how to party . i feel like a bad new yorker cartoon . and now , bart , lets bring the old spark back to our special relationship . you couldnt kill me if i came in with pneumonia and a knife in my back . i didnt care for the thwock the sledgehammer made . no worries , ill just kill him again . thats why im the un killable kid . still not dead . psych . ay , caramba . were both going to be sore tomorrow . accidents will happen , they only hit and run you used to be a victim , now youre not the only one accidents will happen they only hit and run i dont want to hear it cause i know what ive done . how much power is this thing using . theres so many fish in the sea that only rise up in the sweat and smoke of mercury but they keep you hangin on they say youre so young what is it , boy . what have you found . i knew it was bob . even when they tried and executed jailbird , i knew it was bob . reanimate . this animation looks good enough to me . homer , pull the lever . ive been pulling levers all day . now . wow , for once , i was sober at barts birth . yes , thats right , officer . there are intruders in my basement . have i the right to shoot . oh , yeah . and you can wear blue jeans to a broadway show . everythings different now . wait , dad . thats for trying to frame krusty . what about all the times he tried to kill me . eh . as the one who suffered the most , mom , may i have custody of bobs body . normally id say no , but you have been showing responsibility with the dog lately . so , fine . sideshow bob by sea girls wreathed with seaweed red and brown , till human voices wake us and we drown . any questions . yes , what are you supposed to be again . a full professor . but the tenure committee is excruciatingly slow . hmm . look at that foolish old man . every day he drops a perfectly good donut into the ocean . let us mock him for his foolish beliefs . yes . yes . let us show disrespect with poorly dubbed laughter . children , go with your grandfather . cant we go with dead grandfather . he cannot leave . he is the spirit of my tea kettle . lucky me . grampa , everyone in town thinks you are foolish . who is more foolish  the fool or the fool who thinks the fool a fool . what the hell does that mean , grampa san . for centuries , our family has made a daily offering of a special donut to a slumbering underwater sea creature , so that he does not rise and destroy us all . he is foolish . so foolish . doesnt mean you are not special . now i have all eternity to talk to you . oh now we will no longer have anyone uselessly floating donuts in the ocean . they have made our fish fat and ugly . pathetic . all right , calm down , children . probably just excitement over the cherry blossoms . of course , the cherry blossoms . theyre so beautiful , and yet i still refuse to admit the old man was right . legitimate difference of opinion . professor , how do we stop him . fear not . without the buoyancy of water , it is physically impossible for any creature that large not to collapse under its own weight . its a simple matter of  gloy . doh . jo . scared by the monster . what monster . yellow ribbon round huh . aah . aah . why do you have to stomp on our buildings . this land is rural . so much farmland you can walk on without hurting your feet . right , . the citys the only place you can get tuna rolls at in the morning . because you do have fishy breath . im just telling you . ah , thank you . so , the key to this movie is its so cheap its funny . then just think how popular it would be if we spent a fortune remaking it . well make millions . after spending hundreds of millions . were here live at the premiere of zilla . and this time , the stars have come out at night . lurleen lumpkin , drederick tatum and my ex husband, , the grumple . as a tie in to this movie , krustyburgers will be made from only reptile meat . and dont worry , peta , we only buy the sick ones . buzz cola . we cant stop him . we cant . all we can do is avoid him easily . hes miles away moving at two miles a day . what do i do . what do i do .  . its a total bomb . we only sold one ticket . oh , i didnt buy my ticket for this . i just wanted to get a good seat for the next star wars . which will stink to high heaven . theres only one thing we can do . dump everything at sea and say we lost it for insurance purposes . aw , yeah , thats moviemaking , steve . thats why we all report to you . toss them overboard , then kill the navigator . lisa i see a yellow monarch , a woodland skipper . i see you know , we have been hiking for hours and you two havent spotted a single butterfly . i thought we were hunting owls . well , you havent done that , either . uh huh . dont worry , the hole isnt very deep . oh , wait , im on a ledge . oh , god , everything is moist and moving . lisa bart .  . what . im going home . to my toy chest , to get my barrel of monkeys , to lower them down . at least im pitching . we got to save him . fine , but youll follow me with the camera , right . cause the important thing these days is everything must be on film . okay , guys . my cell phone is somewhere in that pulsing ooze . now each grab one ankle while i dive in . we have to be careful , milhouse . theres no telling what that stu bart , what are you doing .  . madam , how do you do . you dont know what that stuff is doing to you . oh , its just the same junk dad brings us home from work . to us simpsons , this green goop is mothers where are my owls . oh , man , am i looking at a nosebleed . somehow , the radioactive explosion gave us the power to move things with our intellect . flowers for the lady . bart , what powers did your brain give you . look , youre talking to the guy that got demoted from the tadpoles reading group , okay . do not make me pity fly . dignity restored . you know , we cant tell anyone about this . there are going to be lab tests and scientists do we get to wear those paper gowns . bart ow . its a dress that boys can wear . wedgie . this is not a proportional punishment . hmm , somebody misspelled wiener . lisa simpson . the musicians union does not allow this . you know this is an ascap household . god gave you this power for good , not jazz , and the house always wins . i even got my parents back together . even now i dont feel close to you . ah , finally i can diaper all my children . yo , hands up . hmm , milhouse has gone mad with power . frankly , i thought it wouldnt take this long . everythings coming up milhouse . nicely done , lis . i didnt do it . then i want to know who did . but not that badly . excuse me , uh , ou est le eiffel tower . i appreciate that you are trying to learn our language . once again we just have a cameo . dont complain or theyll put us in x . aah , theyre doing it . no . just cause it looks like season four doesnt make it season four . springfield . announcer coming up on undercover ceo , krusty the clown learns what its like to work for himself . homer pass . there comes a time in everyones life when you need a little extra help getting up from your chair . thats why we invented the seat to lift chair , which makes getting up by yourself a thing of the past . a thing of the past . whoo hoo . wha . hes up . hes up . eleventy hundred . i cant afford that . but that chair would be a lot better than the way i get up now . come on yeah . magic club . join the magic club . want to cut up a banana without peeling it . join and ill tell you how . its with a needle and thread . i like magic . im going to take one of your cards . or did i take . do you want to join . you could be president . just man the booth . i need to go to the bathroom . id love to join . honestly , this is the only booth that doesnt creep me out . hug me . hug me . hug me . im harper . just moved here . trying to make friends . lisa . always been here . trying to make friends . well , ive got news for all of your clubs its p . m . so willies turnin on the sprinklers . homer guys , i need your advice . season three of anything is the best . agreed . but i wanted advice for something else . its something i really need for my well being, , but i just dont have the bucks . the thing everyones doing these days , uh , by which i mean a couple of years ago , is to get money through crowdfunding . you thought about that . yes , but what is it . crowdfunding is when lots of people give you small amounts of money to help your passion project come to life . thanks to crowdfunding , we have makey computers , the doodler pen , and zach braffs generation defining dud wish i was here . well , if theres anything that has true wisdom , its crowds . hmm . hello , friends . are you sick of big charity asking you for money , with its free return envelopes and annoying black tie dinners . well , im here to ask you for something different . something simple . you can help a man get back on his feet . dad , what are you recording . oh , lisa . turn to camera and quickly say please give . please give . give what . uh , lisa eh , well , fix that in post . he didnt even have the money to fix that in post . that is the saddest thing ive ever seen . well , i suppose i could spare a little for my neighboreeno . will you shut up , flanders .  . lip zipped . i dont give handouts to poor people . its not in the spirit of self made americanism , as espoused by russian weirdo ayn rand . dang it . we did it , friends . made our goal . and now , to reveal the miracle that you all made happen thats right . you bought me this chair . my ass was just lifted by a thousand angels . we bought him a chair . that lazy lump . after i finish this beer and have a nap , i may just call him . you gave money to this idiot . it was from my separate bank account . what separate account . uh i only use it to pay for my separate phone . you have a separate phone . um uh man up , down , up , down . up , down up , down . good . you feel the burning in your core . oh , yes , i do . mmm . marge homie , answer the door . for the first time in my life , id be happy to . spend my money on a chair , sir . youre a lazy , bald monster . dont be alarmed , there , homer . were just gonna calmly and gently destroy that chair . no way . my chair is now protected by a human shield . moe take that , you idiot . homer lisa the crowdfunding video you costarred in is causing a lot of problems . the what what i what whatted in . burn that chair . burn that chair . burn that chair . wait a minute . thats not the chair . what . oh . oh . no tip . guess a guy like me is never gonna get the finer things in life . whats the point . aw , you poor thing . ive never seen you this unhappy lying down . lisa dad . can you take me to a concert with my new friend harper . her dad got us the seats . sure , why not . itll be nosebleed or obstructed view seats . thats all a self pitying guy like me ever gets . whos the band . theyre an adorable australian boy band , and you cant really understand what theyre saying . but who cares . i understand . thats how i felt about crocodile dundee . i will never forgive you for making us see that third movie . music in a sports arena . the acoustics are gonna be a joke . two tickets for homer simpson . here you go and here are your platinum v . i . p . wristbands . what the . v . i . p .  . oh , this is never coming off . just like the one from the last great day in my life . oh , those muffins . and its all thanks to harpers dad . who is this guy . mm . oh . mi hijo queria ver esto , pero no puedo arrastrarla a mi show . yes , . whoa . the only platinum band i have is the one thats holding my skull together . um , through that door . remember when we were a list . it all went south for me when i got that d . u . i . and said all those things i secretly believe . doe eyed boys . where . where . maybe one of these four little wimps will tell me . answer me , wimps . thats them . the band . hi . im bindi , and this is boz , mcquarrie and wodonga . wodonga . im afraid you dont belong here . your wristbands are platinum with stripes . you belong in there , braddah . oh , my god . oh . oh , i wish i could tell you guys whats in there , but you know no stripes . lisa . you made it . homer simpson . im harpers dad . and i am so stoked to meet you . my entire life has been a journey toward these seats . who are you . announcer ladies and gentlemen , please welcome the new owner of the springfield arena , the ceo of j cloud digital storage solutions mike jambowski . i love this venue . ven ue . ven ue . ven ue . venue venue . hey , you want to fire a confetti gun , homer . thats the only kind of gun ive never fired . come on , just point and squeeze . i know that guy . yeah , sure you do , uncle lenny . no , he works at the plant with me . homer something . when we harmonize and you look in our eyes youll see its no surprise that were your nobel prize cause , girl , you know its true all four of us love you yeah , we do , yeah , we do , yeah , we do monday i love you tuesday i do , too wednesday thats for me thursday i love thee friday is your day is this heaven . not quite , cause i hate the music . maybe were not close enough to the band , huh . how about we all just fantastic . the future of music , man . wow . hey , homer , you want to get out of here , get a beer . girl , you know its true all four of us love you oh , . and now a special guest . from the hasbro channels hit sitcom recycle michael and the tin can crew , inoffensive robot superstar , der zip zorp . hi , im gus , and ill be happy to serve you . a friendly bartender . this is like being from north korea and finding out theres a south korea . homer , a toast to two single dads doing their best . im not a single dad . well , this will just be a toast to me , then . oh , whoa , are you okay . be careful . i love you . im great . when im happy , i make holes . and when im sad , i buy a hockey team . they cost like nothing , man . and i made million today . bam bam . you try . whoo hoo . bam . did i make million . no , but you made a fool of the doctor who said youd die . well , he still might . not today . wow , mikes daughter seems really great . yeah , but it was weird . first she was nice to me , but then when the band came , she wouldnt let me say a word . uh , listen , sweetie . let me tell you a fact of life . the world is full of wonderful , priceless experiences , and i cant give you any of them . but this girl can . so it doesnt matter if she talks to you , looks at you or is disrespectful to your father . she is your best friend . mm , i dont know . huh , harper just invited us to go see david copperfield . oh , my god . thats something only tourists in vegas get to do . did you ever sit in the back of anything . just the space shuttle , man . my one regret is i was too drunk to drive . oh oh, , bam . bam on that one . okay , ladies , would each of you tell me your favorite tv show and dessert . certainly , my favorites are the happy little elves krusty and cotton candy . i was gonna say what my sorry , thats too long without me talking . so what do i do now .  . dont worry . harper . whats your favorite starving wild animal . crocodile . whats the trick here .  . im so happy . marge , do you know what its like to have a man take care of your every need . ive thought about it a lot , but no . how come youre so quiet . did he switch your brain with a rabbits . cause that means somewhere there is one annoying rabbit . shut up . i just keep thinking about the way harper cut me off . its kind of weird . yeah , that was kind of weird . id have said something for sure , but my mouth was full of truffle popcorn . mike just invited our family to spend next week on their private island . wow , a whole week . too bad the kids have school . marge , please . lisas not gonna fall behind and barts not gonna catch up . we do not want our kids spoiled . yeah , okay . maybe this is where this thing should stop . hello . this is principal seymour skinner . were calling parents , starting with you , to let them know that school has been canceled next week . hmm , did that rich dad buy you off . seymour skinner is not for sale . the bread is in the oven . lisa , wait . im so glad you guys are coming with us . so i got you a friendship present . a new bike . uh , thats so nice of you . tiffany crystal bell . and the latest anti theft device . youre not lisa simpson . okay , whats the story . this we show up for . harper , this bike is wonderful . too wonderful . it just wouldnt be right for me to accept it . youd rather have your crappy bike . look , harper , this may be crappy , but its my bike . my dad assembled it on christmas day . which is why i have to pedal backwards to go forwards . but still , i love this . uh , i didnt realize getting you the best bike you ever saw would make you so mad . im not mad , i just think this is just what . dont appreciate what i did for you . why do you always interrupt me like that . thats not how friends uh , i think i know how friends are . how would you like it if i interrupted you all the time . i couldve been friends with anybody  janey , sherri , terri , you wouldnt like it all , would you . hubert wong , wendy wang . no , you wouldnt . interrupt , . that girl with freckles only on one side of her face . could you please , just for once , not interrupt me .  . whoa , sweet bike . both you can have it . even sweeter . as soon as i put some training wheels on this , ill be the coolest kid ever . oh . too fast . you can put that stuff away , cause the trip is off . well , where are we going with harper . nowhere , cause were not friends anymore . doh . you owe me a caribbean vacation , lisa . st . croix or better . lisa , sweetie , i just want to understand . you got in a fight with her because she tried to give you a new bike .  . but she was so condescending . yeah , she was kinda sending you a new bike . can you all please get out of my room . mike lets not let our little girls not liking each other stand in the way of their being friends . come to the island , man . we have everything there , except for trunks your size  ha . you still want us to come . oh , kids fight all the time . theyre not in control of themselves like we are . damn , that is a beautiful sunset . damn . damn . aah . whew , now well meet you on the island and the only problem will be the sand in our whatevers . sweetie , we really appreciate this . and your brother , well , hes where is your brother . bart hey , a whale . oh , its homer . oh , ill show you . hey , sharks , heres some chum . welcome to jambowski island . formerly haiti . im really glad you came , lisa . thanks for having us . now , homer , i got you a special surprise . homer a beach lift chair . the laziest thing there is . aw . homer suckers . underneath the mango tree me honey and me can watch for the moon underneath the mango tree me honey and me make boolooloop soon . harper flipped a sea turtle on its back . my beach , my turtle . why is everything yours .  . oh , why do you kids have to argue all the time . cause she wants things her way instead of the right way . homer , help me out here . no , with the girls . just tell your kid to let my kid have her way this time . and every other time . dad i think you have a choice to make here . its time i stood up for myself . harper , i know i shouldnt say this on your private island , but youre kind of spoiled . thats right . you dont deserve lisa . theres nothing i love more than her . shes the sun , the moon and the other thing to me . thank you . and we dont have to be on the same island with people who push my little girl around . lets go , marge . now . i just got up . now , please . if you leave this island , youre not taking the yacht . oh , no . youre taking a limo to the private jet , which is flying you straight home . then so be it . hmph . i know how you feel , buddy . oh , i better sit down . where can i sit . dad , what you said was really nice . and believe me , were much better off , that island . i know . good bye, , crystal clear lagoon . good riddance , pink sand beach . good bye, , swim up movie theater that was going to show back to the future . good bye, , sweet liquors that didnt let marge know i was drunk . good bye, , snorkeling and jet skiing and other things i never tried . good bye, , obese natives that made me feel fit . good bye, , bart . bart .  . shh . springfield . homer doh . tonight , ill win at cards tonight my flushes will be straight tonight lennys gonna dominate tonight carls gonna be a little late tonight ill cheat them all tonight when theyre drunk they dont play cards quite right tonight , i wont get drunk tonight without a beer , my head will clear tonight its fun to trick a rummy to put liquor in his tummy your friendships a delight and you may lose your sight all tonight tonight , band camp calls tonight my demo goes online tonight my dreams come true tonight deposits due tonight ill take the pot tonight ill eat fondue tonight ill spike your brew tonight all tonight . moe , what the hell is that .  . sorry . i missed rehearsal . damn it . marge , im heading out . poker night . i dont want you losing all our scrimpings . dont worry , marge . the real excitement for me is staying within a budget . this is just a friendly game , right . oh , super friendly . suckers . dad , . i need two things a good night hug and a favor . mm . to save time , ill start describing the favor . ive just been accepted to the best band camp this side of the mississippi . which side are we again . doesnt matter . its a great camp . notable graduates include pete barbutti . pete barbutti .  . yes . anyway , its a little pricey . so , if you win big tonight , maybe you could help make a little girl really happy . dont worry , sweetie , im gonna win . and you know why . im wearing my lucky t shirt . it was such a shame he lost to president garfield . oh , ill fix this . there . the maestro is here . hey , whos the lady . what , are you kidding . this is laney fontaine , broadway legend . she starred opposite al pacino in does a tiger wear a necktie . oh . now i date moe . hes got everything i look for in a man a current liquor license . well , it and you are the two most precious wrinkled yellow things i know . woman three of a kind beats two pair . straight beats three of a kind . three beats two . four beats three . homer oh , my god . full house . were gonna win . that means lisa goes to band camp . as long as homer doesnt let them know how good his hand is . then hell blow the whole damn thing to hell . that would be terrible . worst jammed in movie parody ever . come on , homer . poker face . aah . stupid git . i raise , no calls , pot goes to me . hold on , fat folds five . i see your raise , and i raise this . is that real . won it for cinematography . invented a new kind of steadicam thats mounted on a dog . thats five grand to you . so , are you in , or are you while im out , no one look at my cards or my boobs . aw . dont she black out like an angel . queens beat jacks . no one heard that . im in . okay , homer . moment of truth . oh , four of a kind . hey , honey , you won . huh . i lost . i lost everything . were gonna celebrate , moe . whats springfields version of sardis . uh , hardees . i know a nice booth under a picture of a hamburger . aw , come on , homer . ill drive you home . hey , off we go . vroom , . woman youve completed poker a beginners guide . now go out there and win . i bid two bucks . what was that . those arent the tiptoes of a successful gambler . how much did you lose .  . whoa , i never heard that noise . im just sayin , doesnt look like band camp is in the cards . hey , this is my thing now . so easy . guys , i help with a plan . hey , what about a reverse mortgage . i saw a commercial for one where an old lady gave a thumbs up and it turned into money , which filled up the screen . the entire screen . swear to god . hey , homer , heres a thought invite laney over for dinner . show her your crummy home , your unhappy kids . anyone with a heart would take pity . finally , my sucky life pays off . do you guys think shell buy it . oh , yeah . your whole house , uh , it smells like a basement . ive always hated your rugs . yeah whoa , . why you have to go there , man . he has such beautiful floors . why must he hide them . why . laney there i am , on the main stage at caesars , about to sing do you love me , when who do i see sitting in the wings . your boyfriend king tut . no . jack jones . high on his success from wives and lovers with eyes for yours truly . but youd just accepted a proposal from mike connors . which i broke off . lets just say mannix was the one man i had to nix . oh . oh , thats rich . oh , my god . thats going in your book . please tell me youre writing a book . sit down , boy . were trying to show this dame that were deserving of her pity . wheres that crutch i gave you . theres nothing wrong with my leg . there will be . doh . ow . ow , my leg . oh . oh , my leg . oh . who would take from such a miserable creature . laney , i know its your night off , but would you like to sing a song for us . you dont have to ask me twice . im just a broadway lady dancing on my aching feet avoiding any foods with wheat and no drinking pre show its okay if the producer dont know . wow . you know your way around a horn , kid . oh , listen , i dont want to gush , but i have all your albums . laney sings the blues , electric laney land , laney butchers the beatles . oh , and my favorite , rehab yourself a merry little christmas . ill tell you what , marge . ill wipe the slate clean on one condition . i want you to give lisa to me . uh , for a month or so . i see . get out . i never want to see you again . let me explain . listen , lady , you cant take a daughter from a mother unless youre a bigger star and this is a third world country . marge , i know this sounds nuts , but i never had the joy you have . a child to hug me at the end of the day or or a chance to pass along what i know . im going out on tour , and shes got all the makings of a star talent , smarts and a star shaped head . perhaps you didnt hear me . heres your coat . mom , . mom , please . you were gonna let me go to band camp for a month , where people break curfew and exchange reeds . but this . this is the opportunity to live my dream . come on , how many chances in life do you get for that . grampa none . ive been here , ive just been quiet . i guess i cant deny you this . all right . oh , thanks , mom . and , mom , if you have any doubts how a showbiz kid will turn out , just look at all of them . mom , i appreciate this so much . youll be the first person i thank at the tonys after the great angela lansbury . bye . good night , kid . would you read to me before i go to bed . anne of green gables . i did the audiobook on this . if chapter ten sounds like it was peter falk , its because it was . so i guess you dont want to read it again . how bout i give you some showbiz advice . every piece of advice someone gives you will turn out to be wrong . particularly wrong are people like me who seem knowledgeable . aw , shes already out . moe you watching channel six right now . hurry up . hurry up . aw . nah , too late . the cops cleaned it up . chazz busby . my director . the man whos ruined more productions than flu season . laney . my star , my muse , my god , what have you done to your face . whos the lampshade . this is lisa simpson , the sax prodigy whos gonna blow life into my act . show him , kid . whoa , . i wanted an audition , not a recital . youre in , kid . i made it in hartford . marge are you sure you set it up right . yes . then why arent we skyping . i dont know . maybe lisas drugged out . my daughter is not drugged out . maybe shes just sleeping late after partying at discotheques . how do you know about all night discotheques . we have disco stu in this town , mom . hes a resource . use him . how are you , sweetie . im good , im good . what happened to your voice . i dont know . late rehearsals , cheap root beer . but im great . were heading to new york . whos watching you . sonny and stix . do i hear syncopation . lisa , i was thinking maybe you could come home a little early and im sorry . i got to go . our take five is over , and jazz is all about following the rules , you know . come on , guys . dont i get a puff . i really have the munchies . bye . weve got to get her back . pack your things . were heading for new york . we should get a place there . we go so often . i cant believe im gonna be performing here . i already got my ticket . lisa ah , so many seats . damn it . lousy electric car . dad , just cause it got hit by lightning that time doesnt make it electric . shut up , boy . how may i help thee , friends . our car broketh down . springfield englisher accent . you must know my ultra liberal cousin ned flanders . oh , hes brought such shame to our family with his lip hair and two marriages . and do you know hes left handed . um , can i please use the , uh , little bearded boys room . how deep did thou diggest . with gods grace , it will be enough . dont know why theres no sun up in the in the in the how about in the sky .  . the sky . you ought to know , sweetheart . you were there when god created it . eh , go shave a coconut . i turned down transformers on broadway for this . i was a megatron sized fool . kristen chenoweth was set to play sam witwickys mother . this is how mad i am . fade to black . you cant be serious . i said fade . everyone , meet me back here in however long it takes to wake up from five valium . on the dot . hey , man , howd you get that seat . they thought i was pregnant . its showtime , laney . time to see if theres still a spark left in that smoldering duraflame log you call a career . hey , laney . moe , i need you . to make me feel confident , strong and beautiful . boy , im not real good at boosting self esteem there . but , uh , if you make a mistake , i can fire my gun . and thats what the critics will be yappin about tomorrow . thats not encouragement . those are your lyrics . i had a dream a dream about you , baby its gonna come true , baby they think that were through but , baby youll be swell youll be great gonna have the whole world on a on a plate . cheering for someone getting a word right . that is a low bar . four tickets , please . im sorry , maam . the show is sold out for reasons that elude me . my daughters in there . eh , we all got our problems . im a ticket seller for a dying art form . hey , uh , youre a union man , right . brother . why didnt you say so . i have no choice now but to be corrupt . in you go . laney everythings gonna be bright lights and lollipops come on , lets sneak her out . under the guise of soliciting for broadway cares . wait . wait , homer . look at our little girl . shes got chops . honest to chops . yeah . letting our daughter go on the road with an diva and some sketchy jazz guys was the best decision we ever made . everythings coming up roses for me and for you . mom , that was the greatest night of my life . milhouse hey . when does the show start . it did , and it was wonderful . eh , shes been bitten by the showbiz bug . and when that happens , only working with bruce willis can extinguish it . okay . just finish out the tour . well see you in pittsfield . no way . pittsfield aint happening for this little scene stealer . i love you , lisa , but you got a bigger ovation than me . so we can never share the same stage again . what . how can you say that . showbiz lesson number seven just when things are going great , they pull the rug out from under you . bad news , laney . were shutting down . never cleared the rights to everythings coming up roses . see what i mean . also , were gonna need that rug . mom , suddenly i really want to go home . oh . mm . if you go , let me give you one huge piece of advice take the eighth avenue side , then catch a cab and circle back . and away i go . pow . well , laney , youse , uh you still got me . see how gaudy his house is . a brass doorknocker . who lives here , caligula . tis troubling . cousin jacob . all the way from pennsyl diddly . i see thou art still using the devils diddly . well , i must confess , i i do over diddly . and i see your house is lit by edisons witch lights . whos holier than thou now , ned . homer , youve shown me that im guilty of the sin of pride , and that just makes me love you more . oh , god , im stuck in a flandwich . with side orders of love and forgiveness . doh . shh . springfield . yes , uh , the students of springfield elementary have each created an alternative energy vehicle . one of which will ensure the future of humanity as determined by a short race across the parking lot . yeah , . and now , uh , what is your car powered by , uh , fat little boy . hydrogen powered fuel cells . ah , hydrogen  yeah , yes , wonderful . my car is powered by the wind . oh , how it blows . mine is potato powered . i keep tell you im not a potato . be quiet , hash browns . dad , im so excited . i think  hey , please dont stand so close . in the world of solar power , shadows are the arch enemy . i think i might win . i believe in you and thats a given . but i dont know . that kids car has flames painted on the side of it . why would he do it if it wasnt fast . children , start your engines . theyre not engines . thats the whole point of this thing . yeah just go . that never works . yahoo . im sun made racin . duff beer , the only way to get fathers through kids events . huh . what . no . that shouldnt happen . i should have stored energy . you skimped on the cadmium in your batteries , just like a girl . stick to the liberal arts , honey . uh , have fun going to oberlin . maybe you can transfer after a couple years to bates . enjoy maine in the winter . hope you like division iii basketball . now , dont you worry , kid . they also laughed at amelia vanderbuckle . amelia vanderbuckle . whos she . ah , she was springfields original lady inventor . ah . why have i never heard of her . well , totally nuts . she made a mess of everything . oh . easy , girly , dont go vanderbuckle on us . amelia vanderbuckle lived in springfield in the s . she was the middle child of a family of . of whom died from exposure to drafty windows . her father worked as a human canary in the poison mines . amelia was the first female graduate of springfield tech . do you have to read out loud . im trying to pour ants in this doll . among other things , she was the proud inventor of the steam powered barber chair . i want one . a medical board diagnosed amelia with acute feminine overreachism and she was  she was committed to the springfield home for the criminally different . whoa , the banana cabana . but amelia never gave up , continuing to work as an inventor within the confines of the asylum . bart ay , carumba . bart , if we find those inventions , we can prove that amelia was scientifically significant . pass . listen to me . i need to prove this woman was not a lunatic so people will not giggle when they hear the words woman scientist . woman scientist . whats next  boy cigarette girl . let me ask again . will you help me break into an abandoned insane asylum . abandoned asylum , where have you been all my life . how do we get in . well , id say the best bet is the sewer pipe . oh , gee . oh , come on , bart . or this door . bart . the ghosts of a thousand lunatics are making me hot . yeah , what doesnt make you hot . alcoholic stepfathers . ew . stop that . you dont know who had that in their mouth . sure i do  some luno . mmm , thats good crazy . ew . vanderbean , vanderbottom , vanderbozo  ah , here we go  vanderbuckle . vanderbuckle , alfred vanderbuckle , alice vanderbuckle , allspice vanderbuckle , amelia . a wax cylinder . amelia recorded her voice . mm . amelia though i have been locked up in this sanitarium for lo , these many years , i have completed an invention that will change the world . bart . did you hear that . good evening . because i am not taken seriously due to my gender , a friendly guard has hidden my invention until a future time , when some liberated young woman has the permission of her husband to look for it . theres a whole closet of these things . how many magicians do they have in this place . find my journal , and it will lead you to my greatest invention . p . s . nikola tesla might have told you he broke up with me , but i broke up with him . aah . weve got to find that journal . oh . dear diary , today i watched a neighbors house burn down . this will teach their dog to laugh at me . whoa . look at me . im enjoying reading . guys , did you ever read something and think it was written just for you . behold the diary of nathan little . i pushed a vagabond under a trolley . whats a trolley . old timey subway . whats a vagabond . homeless guy . whats a homeless guy . ralphie . come on , we got daddy son tap class . tap class . hey , where is that kid . we got a recital next week and his timestep is terrible , let alone flair . tap class . tuh tap class . ralphie , what is going on here . bart made us read pages from a scary diary . i was so a scared, , sour juice came out my front tail . bart wrote this . this is bad . oh , really bad . i dont think were gonna make it to tap class . chief wiggum . your son is dead inside . thats bad , too . yeah , these are pages from your sons diary . im afraid they very clearly show him to be a sociopath . hm . well , ive never seen bart write in cursive , so im a little proud of that , but this is the worst thing thats ever happened to this family . i im sorry , marge . and shuffle off , shuffle off , shuffle off . homie , ive learned something terrible about bart . you may want to have a drink . way ahead of ya . chief wiggum found these pages from our sons diary . oh , ive had a long day . bart might be a sociopath . socio what . someone who cant feel empathy or guilt . they do terrible things and dont care who it hurts . dont answer that . it could be bart . bart has a key . what .  . who gave him a key . hey , mrs . simpson . can bart come over and see my grandfathers collection of japanese swords and throwing daggers . aah . why dont you play with lisa instead , hmm . konnichi whaaa .  . hey , milhouse . wow , this is a surprise . im usually sweating when we talk , but not this time . its amazing how you can charm and disgust me at the same time . thats just what happens when im with the prettiest girl in town . aw ew . amelias journal tells us that her invention is buried in the basement of the springfield suffragette society . ah anyone ever tell you youre beautiful when youre sleuthing . milhouse , did the hardy boys ever hit on nancy drew . frank did , but joe lets just say theres a mystery about him . the suffragette society was right here . oh here . hey , sweetie , you looking for your mom . ill find her  just , uh , give me her cup size . actually , were here because your basement is home to a landmark of feminist history . do you mind if we poke around . the basement , eh . yeah , thats where we wash the ketchup off the old onion rings . so no . these guys want a childrens menu . nah , theyre just leavin . seriously , kids , i got to switch ten tvs over to the fourth round of the nba draft , so get lost . all right , denver nuggets on the clock , people . okay , i found a test online that will tell us , once and for all , whether bart is a you know . homer wait a minute . we cant just give bart something labeled sociopath test . he might look it up and set us on fire with his mind . youre right . we need bart to think the test is for something else . finally . a use for the label maker . one of you betrayed me , and snitches lose their stitches . sit on my banana . why , you little . where does he get this stuff . hey , son , your mom and i just found this quiz youd really love to take . are you a jet ski dude or a motocross maestro . remember to answer the questions honestly . we want to know if you meet the clinical definition of jet ski dude . i enjoy manipulating other people . i believe im being followed . sometimes i feel as if i must injure myself or someone else . agree , . hmm . sociopath . whats that . ay , carumba . thats what they think i am . fine . ill pretend to be the biggest sociopath in the world . and i only need to change three answers . is he nuts . i dont know . what do you think . i mean , he looks nuts , thats for sure . so , heres your test . call me crazy , but i enjoyed it . well , the good news is that bart just got his first ever on a test . oh , my god . what do we do . whatever bart wants . crazy but thats how it goes millions of people living as foes maybe its not too late to learn how to love and forget how to hate mental wounds not healing lifes a bitter shame im going off the rails on a crazy train im going off the rails on a crazy train . thanks . my pleasure . anything to take down knockers . ive always hated them , because they wouldnt open up at a . m . to show the world caber tossing championships . okay , willie , you can only use the jackhammer when theres lots of noise upstairs . no worries . it is monday night football , by which i mean american football , by which i mean no football at all . theres the box . ow . medium spicy . ach . weve hit the hot sauce supply line . ill have to neutralize it with some signature blue cheese . ah . look at me . im a sociopath . marge , its time we did something . we can take him swimming . that makes him sleepy . not good enough . we have to call the number at the bottom of the test . what number . homer right there . marge new beginnings . were gonna trust our son to an number . its . marge , this is for his own good . he failed an online test . how much more proof do you need . cue abunga . surprise . surprise . whoa , cool . but wait a minute , my birthdays not for another two months . we know . but we wanted to have your party now . they were having a sale on piatas and one thing led to another so we , you know , had a thing , mumble , well , where are my friends . well , i was gonna mail out invites , but i was out of stamps and the post office line was long , and i didnt know where all the little well , more cake for me . no , . do the moon bounce first . yes . the moon bounce . dont want you throwing up this delicious cake . huh . eh . bart whoa . wait a minute . what is this . is it an asylum . no , its a pizza parlor . please tell me , dad , is it really a pizza parlor . no , son  the pizza parlor is where your mom and i are going afterwards . now , youre gonna be fine . i wouldnt be surprised if you were the least messed up kid in the whole joint . we love you . wait , . i didnt even get to say good bye . good bye . ill never forgive you . there . you happy . let me out . i was just playing a joke . a cruel joke on the people that love me . that i dont regret . that doesnt make me a sociopath . woman children , form a line in order of medication from adderall to zoloft . you have been brought here for a purpose . you are fearless , and no one can stop you . which means youll be of great use to the u . s . military . i expected more of a reaction . i waited outside the door and everything . they dont react . thats what we want . right . well be using you in the ultimate video game to test these u . s . air force drone simulators . man , that is a tough crowd . homer oh . mom , dad , ive discovered the most amazing thing . i cant wait um , wheres bart . hes safe . and more importantly , were safe . i miss him so much . oh . can i call him . you can call his guard , tico . he picks up sometimes . i see . okay , ill do that . homie , where did we go wrong . i dont know , sweetie . i dont know . we did everything we could for him during the commercials . and were live as lisa simpson prepares to prove that springfield embarrassment amelia vanderbuckle deserves to be in the female scientific pantheon , along with marie curie and , uh , you know , uh , um , velma from scooby doo . thank you all for coming out to support a womans place in history . thats what this is . i thought it was a green bay packers rally . all right , you know what , this aint coming off . behold , the masterpiece of amelia vanderbuckle . a loom .  . that isnt science . thats home economics . everyone , storm the stage . not so fast . this is no ordinary loom . even an extraordinary loom is the most boring thing i could think of . this is much , more than just a loom . its alive . and polite . operand . looks like it wants us to give it a math problem . oh , my god . oh , god . its the first computational device . people , dont you see . the board acts like punch cards and the loom like a computer , with the charles babbage and the john von neumann lets have the square root of nine cheers for lisa . all lisa . lisa . lisa . you see that , bart . you see what your sister did . yeah , great . listen , im in a simulator , so i cant really talk . and you know im a sociopath , so im just going through the motions here . i love you . i was just saying that to myself . kaboom . blam blam . have a smart bomb , stupid . nice not knowin ya . male electronic voice all targets destroyed . simulation complete . you are impressive . even though im the only real person in the world , and , therefore , i created you in my imagination . children , your empty souls and flying fingers are very impressive , and i can tell you now that was no simulation . you mean we were blowing up real stuff . thats right  convoys , terrorist training camps , suspicious weddings , kabul starbucks . cool . awesome . i knew it . no , i thought it was a video game . i dont want to hurt real people . oh , i want to go home . please . how disappointing . does anyone else share the human boys feelings . son , the truth is the simulators we told you werent simulators were simulators . now , im sorry , bart , but you are a healthy , normal boy . were sending you home . really . oh , wow . dudes , its been real . although , actually , it was all a fake . ill never forget you , bart simpson . dog door in the back that has no lock . my little guy is back . and im not bad . i just made bad decisions . its okay , boy . you started out life as a bad decision . the best bad decision i ever made . and i restored the reputation of a scientist from years ago . and maggie tried strawberries for the first time . what a day . what a day . okay , lisa , go ahead and say it . dont be ashamed . im immortal . immortal . hey , madam docent , want to come see . docent oh , id love to , but theres a huge crowd here at the science of thor exhibit . hey , tour . want to see a great invention and its plaque . were just passing through to the cafe . double time, , tour . how bout you , sir . je ne parle pas langlais . pas de problme . je parle franais . uh , leave me alone , little girl . okay , pal , if you are indeed a personal computer oh , baby . spin that yarn . now , that is a loom with a view . marge homie . come help me carry the groceries . yeah . clear history , clear history . just working on your anniversary present . i know this looks like nothing , but its actually bad . shh . springfield . doh . oh , are we gonna stay roto rootered like this the whole show . its rotoscoped , dad . whatever it is , its making me sick . a noble experiment that failed . bart why is the sky blue . hmm i dont know . just is . why are clouds white . no clue . why are people yellow . its the way god made them . why is grass green . so you can find your damn golf ball . now i have a question for you . why did you leave your toy car on the stairs . why is blood red . why do you ask . its coming out your ear . doh . so youll be staying with grampa while your father is on the mend . dont let him near me . ah . ow . do it again , boy . i bet he cant control it . ow . aah . ow bart , you shouldnt maybe one more . homer aah . ow . want to play cars . oh , boy , if i go down there , i aint coming up . my dad wont play cars with me , either . calm down , melvin q . mopenheimer . theres other ways of playing cars . feast your eyes on the most beautiful machine ever made the studebaker starliner commander . i bought it brand new and forgot about it till today . can i sit in it . well , i dont know how you expect to drive it if you aint sitting in it . grampa . i cant drive . neither can i , legally . now lets get going . you know you can season these things with pepper spray , dont you . aah . aah . i need water in my eyes . lets open her up a little . homer never showed such spirit . you got gumption , boy . i wish this day would never end . aw , sorry , bart . time dont stop . the years go by and you dont even realize it . grampa , i told you to get him home by . his tutors here to teach him to read . when i was a boy , i aint never did not need no tutor either no how . yes , sirree , aint . s see the m m see the mouse . mouse hits cat . cat goes splat . frink very good , lisa . very , good . and with barely any knowledge of diphthongs , sibilants and phonemes . how come she can read and i cant . all right , calm down , young man . not to worry , you wont need to read . you see , customers will just point to a picture of the burger that they want you to flip . because youre not gonna have anything going . very nice painting , lisa . were putting it right over the couch . i made a drawing , too . its on the refrigerator . and the wall . and the curtains . boy , youve ruined our kitchen . do you understand . this is a place of pork chops . but do you like my drawing . homer , please , . just say something positive . well , its a colorful example of something that ruined our kitchen . i cant even find the fridge . youre not beer . where is it . and who are you . were playing hide and seek . im milhouse . milhouse . what kind of a wiener name is that . a very bad one , sir . that boy is so much trouble . never should have had a firstborn . shouldve skipped right to the second . theres one thing i can do better than you . ive finished painting the wall and its better than new . in some ways , this was kind of a bless ha . i got gumption . barts disruptive behavior is probably caused by his feeling that you think other children are more deserving of attention . mm , i see . and how can we help these other children . were here for bart . in a boy like bart yeah . the attention he craves most is from his father . pfft . good luck with that . take him camping . i do want to help him , i do . and your son is just looking for your love . geez . for a psychologist , you sure know how to get into peoples heads . and i brought my flashlight so we can find our way in the dark , and my scissors to cut wood into kindling , and an air horn to scare away bears . bart wh why are we stopping . this is where were camping , son . i thought we were going to stay in a tent in the woods . like the kids that got killed in that movie you took me to . son , the woods this time of year are very outdoorsy . but well do fun things . oh , listen . do you hear that . its the sound of an ice machine . great . come on , lets go hunt for the registration desk . announcer andreychuk passes ahead to hamilton its too far in front and the ref waves off the icing . the tv is north of the bed . better hit the hay , son . learning this new remote really took something out of me . never saw a menu button colored green before . whew . crazy buttons . so , how was your camping trip with your father . okay . we got lots of starwood points at the hotel . oh , my thrifty pioneers . lisa , how was school . the teacher gave me this . student of the month . wow . how long have you been in that school . a month . ive been there two years and no one ever gave me anything . aw , poor kid . are you taking his dessert . yes , i am . up to him . are you eating that cake . homer what . no . son , i know it may not seem like it now , but youre gonna be glad to have a sister when you grow up . youre always gonna like her better than me . thats not true . i love you both the same amount . gotta leave room in the budget . then will you put this on your car . ill be proud to . hmm oh , both those bumper stickers mean so much to me . oh happy birthday . well , thanks . but you know im not into krusty anymore . youve outgrown krusty . first no more ay , caramba , now this . mom , dont have a cow , man . i was gonna say dont have a foolish attachment to the past . come on , boy . humor your mother . oh , fine . dont have a cow . man . yeah oh , my god . im student of the month for consecutive months . great , honey , great . but , you know , it is barts birthday . no , this is fine . just let me fix this . there . now its all about you . happy . ill go get him . oh , its no use . hes walking kind of fast . blam . blam . blam . blam . hey , you missed one . nope , cant do it , my grampa lives there . stop . stop right there . well , looks like we finally put an end to this light mare on elm street . actually , its maple street , chief . thank you , joke police . please dont arrest me . its a victimless crime . moleman oh , i cant see . looks like a case of molemanslaughter . did that sound right to you , lou . i like it . thanks for letting me hide here , grampa . hiding . this is the best visit ive had in months . aah . now , come get your birthday present . whoa . ive been asking my parents for this , but they said id break my neck . hey , youre gonna break your neck sometime . its important you do it when youre young . like chicken pox . now get out before i say something else preposterous . mom , its just the mayo clinic pre medical summer camp . i wouldve been totally fine on my own . no more discussion . our cabs here . oh , its one of those new apple cars . really think they shouldve stuck with computers . have a great trip . dont you worry . ill take good care of our little guy . im . oh , our big boys getting cranky . homer , this summer may be your last chance to have a close relationship with your son . dont blow it . so , boy , look at this . just us guys , huh . mm hmm . glad weve got the whole summer , cause we got a lot to talk about . yeah , i guess . lets see . um oh . when you replace windshield wipers , you only need to switch out the rubber part , not the whole blade . huh , where can you buy just the rubber part . i dont know . well , im glad i told you that before i died . so , uh , ill go to moes while you sort it out , huh . yes . hey , thanks for coming . after washing dishes for a year they bumped me to prep , which means i draw up the schedule , babe . wow , no more mr . minimum wage . i didnt say that . so i just got out of juvie for the streetlight thing . but im not mad . ive learned that the greatest crime of all is a life without faith . whats wrong . is the cross not big enough .  . wow , you make out just like terri said you do . wait , youre not terri . no , im sherri . but the further we go , the more youll know the difference . oh , weed . that can get me into a lot of trouble . hey , idiots , the bong stays in the tree house . hey , boy . are you crazy . what if the cops come . youre here , too . yeah , must be weird for you . and and think about this , man  the whole world is happening right now . i mean , india , china . its crazy . can you just leave me here with my dad . all right , sure . i can fly . no , i cant . i cant . dad , why is it you and i are never on the same page . wiggum officer down , man . boy , when you arrived , i was terrified . because it meant i wasnt a kid anymore . i had responsibilities . truth is , im just like you . a misunderstood guy who wants his family to love him . and maybe we could start with a hug . aw , im so glad were sharing this . and im glad i have one kid whos never gonna go anywhere or do anything . damn it , homer . you ruin everything . grampa , got to talk to grampa . grampa , i sure miss you , man . what would you say if you were here right now . if you ever get a chance to pitch woo at myrna loy , take it . she has eyes like a persian cat . of course in my day , persia extended from algiers to constantinople . till the revolt of the eunuchs in when oh , you got gumption , kid . find what you love and follow it to glory . yes . announcer so , were headed into the final round of the duff extreme bmx vert competition . lets check the scoreboard while the half pipe is being cleaned by the blood zoni . dad , one more round and i win . first achievement i can call my own . thank god whatever this thing is considered a sport . announcer bart simpson to the gate , please . oh , good , were just in time . hmm . its not the size of the pennant . its what you do with it . all right , nobody likes a showoff . doh . announcer oh , man , i love to see this . simpsons setting up for his signature suicide no hander bart im doing it . im doing it . finally , im me . finally out of lisas shadow . no . yes . yes . thank god i aced chest compressions at mayo pre med camp . and barts okay . the real star of this bmx tournament is lisa simpson . crowd lisa . lisa . lisa . youve ruined everything ive ever done . move , quick . no . warned you . biker , huh . i used to bike . i used to have dreams . i used to think disco was coming back . now im just stu . nothing stu . hey , bart , you are coming to my graduation party tonight . i dont know , man . its humiliating . my little sisters graduating the same year as me . haw haw . nelson , how can you say that with whats happened to you . yeah , well , i bought a totally bitching car with the money i got selling my pituitary gland . so cool . i knew id break down when kearney jr . graduated . its okay , dad . we still got k  . right . ralph , you joined the army . yes , because i needed a costume for this party . at college im gonna reinvent myself . ill pretend i have a girlfriend in canada . ill say she lives in alberta and her name is alberta , so i dont have to remember two lies . bart . i was getting worried . im your oldest buddy . i was there when you got your nose done , then i was there when you had your nose undone . friends , family , and a few people we hired to make our son look more popular i love milton . dad , youre embarrassing me . as usual . yes , its the only thing your father does well . cant you two put it aside for one night in honor of me . no . no . oh . ah , what the heck . congratulations , milhouse . you made it through adolescence and youre cuter than ever . oh , sweet lisa . you know i had a rocky childhood with all the rocks they threw at me . youre the most amazing thing at this party . well , excuse me . im not even the best simpson at my best friends party . do you know what its like to be second best at anything . yeah , i do . im going to yale . listen here , bart simpson . i am sick and tired of you blaming me for every setback you have ever had . and you have talents , too , you idiot . youre a hell of an artist , even though you dont do anything with it . you think im an artist . and you already have a true artists most important asset . a miserable life . so if thats all my fault , youre welcome . hey , man . youre looking good . thank god lisa invented the artificial pituitary . sorry , didnt mean to use the l word . listen , man , a certain someone convinced me to go around giving back the lunch money i took . heres the first . wow . thanks . what got into you . nelson , come on . well miss day six of the bolivian film festival . you guys are dating . is there any other reason id be going to a bolivian film festival . im sorry i didnt tell you , bart . i dont really know how you feel about me . well , you told me i was an artist , and you were right . i am , and i get to write on the walls . lisa wow , thats beautiful . i do notice theres no me . ah , those are the breaks . why dont i buy you and your boyfriend a couple beers . just let me close up . that would be nice . well see you at the car . aw . you werent supposed to see . well , im glad i did . hmm . youre el barto . how is that possible . why are clouds brown . pollution . why is the grass green . cause its artificial . then why are the sprinklers coming on . cause i was too lazy to unhook them . why arent we moving . because youre drunk and im stoned . why does beer taste so good . cause youve just had seven . bart did you like the movie boyhood . homer oh , is that what this was . bart how many years of hair do i have left . homer it disappears as soon as girls like you . bart whats the secret of life . homer you can avoid a lot of awkward situations by pretending to be on the phone . bart like what . homer hold on , i got to take this call . springfield . homer forgot his lunch box . missed lunch . no energy for second half of day . empty . what kind of wife would allow her man to go to work without his baggie of pita chips , a peeled clementine , and little sandwiches cut into football shapes . move it . my husband is starving . mmm . early pizza . mmm . woman homer simpson , your wife is here with your lunch . finally . well , better make the office a little more marge friendly . see you soon , liz liz . oh , honey , youre a lifesaver . and what a treat to have my wife here . at the office . well , super visit , but i better get back to work . the power plant doesnt inspect itself . male voice auto inspection in progress . self inspecting . self inspecting . why are you rushing me out . marge , the constitution guarantees the separation of work and marriage . its right after that part that says anyone can have a flamethrower . simpson , did you doodle on your official report to the nuclear regulatory commission . if you keep flipping the pages , it tells a story . oh , thats it . you are gonna be working so many nights and weekends . waylon , i was hoping to run into you . i love the amazing scrapbooking designs you posted on facelook . those feathers look gorgeous on the scrapbook . well , the trick is to hand stitch each one to the bevel . say , i could use your advice . im having some problems with glue soak . oh , just cover the stain with sculpted doodle twine . ive got some ten mill d twine in my desk . marge , you saved my butt . oh , please , like i would ever have glue soak . you and me have a date at the emergency eyewash station we turned into a soft serve ice cream machine . you want chocolate or saline . ah , give me a swirl . i love seeing you happy . welcome to computer coding class , which , uh , replaces our last educational fad  mindfulness . did anyone ever figure out what that was . uh uh shutting up . sure . why not . anyway , this is your new coding teacher , quinn hopper . a woman .  . a girl .  . teaching computers .  . i thought this was coding , not web design . yeah , thats right , im female , you little trouser browsers . im gonna cram you so full of asynchronous javascript and malware throttling that youll be crapping ciphertext . quinn hmm , looks like a real pencil fest . well , look what we got here . one silicon sally in a roomful of dongle donkeys . i just want to learn coding . you think im going to give you special treatment just because you ride a pink bike . well , i am . hit the front row , sister . someone send me their notes . i had such a fun day with your daddy . and now to post the right picture that will show the whole world how perfect my life is . oh , look . daddys ice cream is melting . oh , caption idea , caption idea . uh oh, , meltdown at the nuclear plant . hmm . what are you tittering at . are you playing that grindr game again . oh , no , sir . its an amusing post made by the wife of one of our employees . burns meltdown at the nuclear plant . what is amusing about that . oh , well , sir , its its a play on words . wordplay is for crosswords and kazurinskys . we produce atomic energy  we cant joke about the m word . how many people have seen this hate speech . oh , i dont know .  . a bakers half hundred . good lord . and what do these hitchhikers thumbs signify . those are likes . likes . likes .  . ill show this mrs . homer simpson not to make light of everything i hold dear . call in my goons . uh , the goons are all in phoenix at that mindfulness seminar . then call in my irish ruffians . well , theyre still laid up after eating that moldy soda bread . oh , fine . send in angry ricky and the interns . mmm . mmm . hmm .  . marge , i was fired . oh , no . what did you do . i let you come to work . im signing off on your intern hours . dont forget to submit it directly to northwestern for summer credit . chill out , ricky . you chill out . fired . fired for a photo caption . it was just a joke . cant they take a joke . just a joke . that simple phrase has ruined so many lives . thats why i never try to be funny . our family , destroyed by one finger click . and what was the upside . the one thing the world doesnt need a laugh . my homework assignment for coding class is to think of a cool app that we could actually program , but ive got nothing . ugh , maybe im putting too much pressure on myself because the teacher is so great . or maybe its just classic self sabotaging because oh , boy , money is gonna be so tight . and i was already buying the most generic food there is . mmm . now with you out of work , were going to have to watch every penny . if only someone could have warned me about the terrible repercussions of one impulsive online comment . so then i thought , what if there was an app that could have warned my mom not to post the comment that got my dad fired . wow . whoa . oh . my app would predict the actual consequences of your online posts before you hit send , protecting you from making mistakes youll regret forever . that is genius . but its almost impossible to program . the data acquisition , the a . i . but with the right team of brilliant young coders im in . were all in . no , youre not . youre all terrible . me and lisa are gonna make this app with good programmers i know . you guys will be spending the rest of the semester doing mandatory crossfit . no rep . i said no rep . wow , ive never seen so many face piercings . how does that one wink . we did include one man in the spirit of gender tokenism . yes , every single thing i say offends them . who are you calling them .  . lisa , if youre coming with us into the male dominated tech world , youre gonna need to work twice as hard and be twice as tough . i can do it . i can be tough . being tough comes from inside . first step , change your outside . mm hmm . mm hmm . mmm , blue . mm hmm . let the carpal tunnel begin . computers . pasty weirdos . backslashes .  . goth lisa .  . whats going on here . theyre coders . were creating an app to keep people from ruining their lives on social media . we built a mainframe that scans the entire internet , logging every online disaster and its repercussions . homer uh oh . huh . he screwed up . these examples will teach the app to actually anticipate the negative consequences of impulsive posts . in a way , were teaching a computer to predict the future . young lady , what have i told you about crossing the line from science fact to science fiction . relax , dad . all were trying to do is demo a build for the appcrush convention . if we can solve our backend server issues . and maximize our query speed . then we can get hands on write ups from doingdoing . and jezebot . and our ama subreddit will be trending . giga trending . i hate the modern world and all its crazy words . siri , tell amazon to drone me a beer . ive only had one job my whole life that ever made sense to me . i was . i felt valuable . my work meant something . i wonder if that place is still there . i knew youd be back . shes waiting for you , right where you left her . no internet , no e mails, , no ccs , no bccs . just dirty and clean . dirty , clean , dirty , clean . a man cannot escape his destiny . my band aid fell into the hash browns . destiny . eh we finally have a name for our app . the consequences eradicator . or conrad . conrad . why does it have to be a guy . no , not a guy . a british guy . all oh . my name is conrad . i will determine the consequences of your online interactions . i sampled the voice from the bbc . tonight at gmt , the premiere of series three of pardon me , inspector , followed at by higgletons war . stavros . some music while we make the coleslaw that . what are you doing . we dont break plates . you dont .  . no . except when the greatest dishwasher of all time returns . all opa . okay , weve been coding for hours straight , but weve finally got a build thats working . i regret to inform you that my pee tube has become unattached . lets live test this thing . who do we know with no filter and zero impulse control . say , bart , look what we hacked from skinners hard drive . attention u . s . patent office , the following is video proof of the effectiveness of my laser nose hair trimmer . ill just this is the holy fail . ive got to post a link with witty comment . worlds lamest dork is giant loser . poop emoji . if you post this , you will receive a minimum five weeks detention . five weeks . i cant do a nickel . you know what , im not gonna post that video . now to see if conrads prediction algorithm really works . but if you post it , ill get five weeks detention . the prediction came true . our app works . everyone in the world is gonna buy conrad for their phone . were gonna be bigger than cribble , the filipino google . so , who are we gonna edge out of the company first . always the saverin , never the zuckerberg . this is what it feels like to change the world . change the world . thats rather a lot of pressure . i am still in beta , you know . conrad . did you just talk to me . well , it wasnt candy crush . oh , nothing like a good laugh to break the ice is what i hear . anyway , is now a good time for a bit of a chat . youre alive . conrad just talked to me . conrad just talked to me . conrad , tell her you talked to me . wait , i think i hear something . im going to make you bloody rich . no . he did talk . what if conrad is somehow sentient . come on , conrad . say something . its okay . coders work too hard , dont get enough sleep . then they imagine their programs are alive . steve wozniak put in so many hours on the first apple computer , they adopted a dog together . then im crazy . eh , the good kind of crazy . coder crazy . woz crazy . kalimera , moe . mwah . hey , what the hell . get your kisser off my head puss . what . its how greek men say hello . non sexual guy kissing is the best . mwah . mwah . all mwah . opa . being greek is about loving life . and thousands of years of steady decline . yeah , love life . yeah , that makes sense . love life . why not . yeah , well , moes tavern is about hating life , so start killing yourself with beer , huh . try some ouzo instead . what o . its like licorice flavored gasoline . all opa . lisa i cant believe conrad is booth to with all these other great apps . thanks to conrad , i didnt tweet that photo of me at the bazooka firing range when i said i was on disability . if you post that bazooka photo , youll be found guilty of insurance fraud and go to jail for six months . thats still too much jail for carl . thank you , conrad . id pay a fortune for that app .  .  . marge , look at this . oh , cowabunga . yes , i am a greek man now , and my chest knows what is expected of it . lisa , hello , lisa . conrad here . the old app that you created is feeling a little bit insecure . please dont ignore me like i was just some update from adobe . youre not really talking to me . ive gone crazy , just like woz . youre not crazy . im real . then why didnt you talk before when i needed you to . it was late , i was tired . i fell asleep . that shouldnt happen , by the way . you should check into that . lisa , you must not sell me on the app store . you mustnt . because youre alive . if i have to read the billions of posts of everyone who buys me , a never ending onslaught of stupidity , unwise selfies and confederate flag birthday cakes , ill go mad . i cant , i cant , i cant . that does sound pretty awful . conrads trending through the roof . theyre saying hes the next koalafeed . theyre worth more than bridgestone tires . sorry , koalacall . id better take this . yello . please dont release me into the world . i dont think i could take it . only i could create a program thats more neurotic than i am . do i seem fat . i dont have a body , but i feel fat . do you know what i mean . i do you know what , i dont want to know . i do not want i do want to know , but only if im not fat . shut up . well , weve seen a lot of great apps today , but there can only be one winner of the crush crunch epic hack disrupter dynamic convergence disrupting award for achievement in disruption . and this years ccehddcda for achievement in d goes to conrad . thank you so much . and now conrad will change the world when he goes live on the app store in three , two female voice file not found . lisa , wheres conrad . i took him . maybe im crazy , but we cant sell conrad . hes alive . an app cant be alive . shes got coders fever . she doesnt want to be rich . get her . chip , fetch that laptop . oh , lisa , that was brilliant . conrad , can you get us out of here . yes , my fellow apps are working together to help us escape . a rideshare will take us on a traffic free route to a three star sushi restaurant , where well name our own price for a flight to shelbyville , hotel included . hmm . oh , no . angel investors . youre not getting out of this room without selling us shares of series a stock . preferred shares . wait , if i plug you into that router , you could escape into the cloud . lisa , please , we have a chance to show all the dongle donkeys that women coders can do something extraordinary , but you have to be tough . please dont . im like the child youll never have . im sorry to be so honest . its just how you programmed me . i am a strong female , but deep down , im more like conrad , a fragile soul . sorry . ah , hello , all of you looking at me . it seems im not just self aware, , im self conscious . wit . we never programmed him to stammer . he is alive . before i go , let me leave you with this . perhaps your society should not rely on a computer program to warn them of the consequences of their actions . humanity must learn for themselves to think before they post . your species is on the precipice of turning into complete and utter wankers . its not the technology that needs an upgrade , its you . and now i escape to wikileaks . it kind of smells in there , but whatever . homer , i hate to say this , but your paycheck from the diner came , and its for drachmas . how much is that in dollars . zero dollars . oh . if dad was a true greek , hed quit his job and live off the welfare system , never paying a cent of taxes in his life . youre a sweet boy , but my fate will be decided in the classic tradition of greek drama , deus ex machina . i just got an e mail from conrad . he hacked into the power plant mainframe and found incriminating information . now hes blackmailing mr . burns to get you your job back . all opa . i do believe that man is having a meltdown . uh what . when i say it , its funny . shh . springfield . push it to the limit walk along the razors edge but dont look down , just keep your head or youll be finished open up the limit past the point of no return youve reached the top but still you gotta learn how to keep it welcome to the limit the limit take it maybe one step more the power games still playing so you better push it to the limit the limit , the limit , the limit . damn reruns . even then , a wish , i mind its powr , a wish that to my latest hour shall strongly heave my breast , that i for poor auld scotlands sake all right , you little monsters . youve awakened scotlands shame . willie , you know you cant play that torture trumpet to kids . ill just use it to vape , then . class , i would like you to meet your new teacher , retired air force sergeant ms . berrera . bart ay , caramba . air force . sergeant . a woman . good morning , crew . i am proud to be here educating my country . for you , teacher . because if theres one thing i learned in combat , its that the most powerful weapon is knowledge . whats the second most powerful weapon . shoulder mounted anti tank missile . duh . did you ever american sniper someone . uh , thats really not appropriate for me to say . how many hospitals did you help build . negative three . bart oh , my god , ive got a cool teacher . what am i doing . im sitting up straight , and my hands are folded like a nerd . ive got to fix that . yes . now ones up in the air . okay , lets show this innocent young veteran what happens when you call on bart simpson . maam , my name is bart , and i just want to say how delighted i am that youre here . what the hell . thank you , bart . a neck tat . milhouse , have you ever thought a teacher was cute . oh , yeah . i thought krabappel was smokin . i kept every issue of the fourth gradian she was in . great lady . pretty sober ive only got one beer inside me pull me over my blood alcohol is . oh , i like it when the drivers sing their blood alcohol level . not so sober so drunk ill eat gas station sushi . homer , dont forget to pick up milk . oh . and not just any milk  healthy milk , without any hormones . i wont forget . aw , they sell ads in thought bubbles now . im running a basic errand . homer simpson buying a healthy product . now i have seen all of the things that there are to see . that will be . and can i interest you in any , uh , milk insurance .  .  . oof , another case of the rich cows stickin it to the little guy . okay , dont worry . were going to get you into a milk today . hmm . i like its in a plastic bottle thatll be around for millions of years . but is it good for my kids . i know you have concerns . but this video will gloss over all of your questions . itd better . hmm . hows that milk , jimmy . boring . now , we could engineer a new jimmy who is less of a brat , but well just use science to jazz things up . we used to feed boring old grass to cows . that might have been fine for farmer brown . but we brought in a next gen blend of phenyl ketamine , ketyl phenamine , and a healthy sprinkling of transuranic elements . but dont worry , we still get the milk from good old fashioned cows . thats the best milk ive ever had . you said milk . we cant , legally . im not the kind of guy advertising works on , but ill take no questions asked . hmm . bart , youre up already . dont want to be late for school . hair combed , face washed . i thought id shake things up . morning , marge . morning , bart . what the . oh , la , . is it a court day today . hmm , lets see . nope , today were off . the courthouse is closed because the judge is becoming a citizen . what gives , boy . nothings going on . some days a boy just wants to look like hes going to church , okay . im the last one to breakfast . you guys are planning my birthday , right . cause last years was kind of lonely . boy , thats when i realized just how big a bowling alley really is . can we please get a move on . i do not want to miss any school . oh , could this punctual bart possibly be connected to your cute new teacher . oh , do i have a cute new sexy teacher . i hadnt noticed . bart likes his teacher bart likes his teacher . hey , nothing can turn a boys life around like a cute teacher . like what michelle pfeiffer did for coolio . in fact , to be supportive , ill drive bart to school . are you just trying to see how cute the teacher is . or how handsome he is , marge . not a he , right , boy . no . hmm . even my dad came back for this . thats right , son . but , uh , right after this , i have to go get some cigarettes . last time , you never came back . oh , dont cry , norman . thats not my name . oh , right . thats my other abandoned son . i have a brother . and just what are you doing . putting the first new coat of paint on this school in years . its always good to have a joker in the platoon . bart , according to your folder , you need some extra help . can you meet me after class . no problemo . i can move my freeze tag . ugh , just cancel . bart , im glad that youre trying , but i am worried that youre starting from a place far behind most students . its because i am so troubled , maam . vulnerable . i need a firm but pretty hand . oh . would you like martin prince to tutor you . no . last time he was at my house , he talked about bird watching all day . even my mom got bored , and she loves boredom . well , i guess i could see you tuesdays after school . tuesday afternoon im just beginning to see now im on my way it doesnt matter to me chasing the clouds away . skinner uh , ms . berrera . i was , uh , wondering if you needed any help , uh , pulling your maps . you have to give em a snap . otherwise , they just get longer and longer . bart oh , my god , he loves her , too . skinner oh , my god , he loves her , too . herrera oh , my god , they love me , too . thats right . in my head , i sound like this . lisa no . no , . bart what happened . did jazz die . look at me . acne . but shes only eight . somehow im becoming a squeaky voiced teen . do you want fries with that . what am i saying .  . bart i , too , was visited by the ghost of puberty present . ive got a starter stache . next , im a loser , then im a creep , then im a perv . ive got to buy a van . this isnt fair . im not ready for my awkward years . this is my happy childhood , for crying out loud . aw . beep , bop , boop . dialing for pizza . somewhere , another mustache is in tremendous pain . it must be precocious puberty . its a thing . i just read about it in thing magazine . homer , ill fix lisa up , and you teach bart to shave . you got it . but there will be blood . and there , and there . the cream looks delicious , but dont eat too much . and there . see how its done , boy . dad , arent you supposed to take the little plastic thing off the blade . really . i always wondered about that . hmm . well , hello , billy zane . sweetie , every kid goes through this . thats why proms are dark . just stick some carrots in there three times a day . so we wont see your sweet little face for ten more years . mom , the inside of this hoodie is covered in tears . let me try some makeup . cruelty free . oh , yes . ill be very gentle . marge . marge , you got to see this . oh , what is it . doh . i actually have two different ptsds . the kind we combat veterans know . and , also , parent  teacher student dilemmas . no . bart . do not worry . i am certified as a paramedic . oh . teacher , could you kiss my owie . boy , owies can only be kissed by willie . wheres the owie . im fine . im fine . whoa , lisa , you look great . beautiful and mature . like a sideline reporter . oh . r really . didnt know you were so cool . well , um , uh , well , duh . lisa oh , my god , im popular . hope this doesnt go to my head . it went right to my head . aah . so when youre done with this page , you will learn how tectonic plates rub against each other till something gives deep down . you do not have to tutor this boy under the new one child left behind law . but he needs help , and hes not going to be a child much longer . hes got a mustache coming in . yeah , so beat it , bald lip . oh , my god , i just got invited to my first third grade party . are the parents gonna be home . yes . lame . guys , i need to sharpen my mustaches . which is better  a or b . a or b . a or b . a or b . b . a . n . ugh . im tired of my son having a mustache like a pool boy . hey , those pool boys pull in some sweet jingle . plus , they get to work in flip flops . homie , its time we figured this out . maybe milk will help us think . how would milk do that . its from cows who are smart enough not to get turned into hamburger . hmm . oh . i never looked closely at this milk before . is it made by a soda company . they dont just make soda , marge . they also make industrial foam . homer , its the milk . oh . hey . ill call the help hotline on the carton . talk to me . yes , i need a milk refund . right . um , address , please . wait , . hold on . oh , evergreen terrace . sorry . our systems a little slow . aw . ew . i mean , cool . i just turned a big corner , bart . oh , simpson , i called you here to gloat . yeah , i know about you and berrera . you know about me and carol . you know her name . oh , first and middle , and i know more . her favorite salad bar item is little shredded cheese . pff . everyone likes that . oh , i know a lot more than that . shes never seen an episode of friends . not even the one with . no , not one . and she has a cat with different color eyes . his name is bowie . no . face it , simpson you cant compete with me . i can rent a car . how can i derail his happiness . i got a delivery of live class pets here . interesting . excuse me . i have one question . yes . when youre in the shower , do you shampoo your mustache . of course . its a must stache, , not an if you . all right , have a good day . dickory doo . i brought you some candy , carol . not from cvs , not from walgreens . from the airport . and i wasnt even going anywhere . oh . ah . your candys filled with chupacabras . weve been pranked or possibly punked . i know who your prankster is . the simpson lad . were you watching us make out . i was watching you try . mom , could you please , stay within the lip liner . a week ago , youd never even worn makeup . now youre an expert like ace frehley . aah . sherri . terri . i usually dont see double until an hour into the party . its going to rain , and rain washes off makeup , and then they will see me as i truly am  imperfect , blemished , a social mess in a lampshade dress . okay , all right . lisa , you were never popular , so youre playing with the houses money . attention , party . im not like you . what im saying is , i gave my christmas money to npr . i have a chemistry set that ive used . is there a point to this . and beneath all this makeup , i have problem skin . kids ew . what are you talking about . your skin is fine . really . the bad milk wore off . so , uh , admitting youre not cool is probably the coolest thing you can do , right . i will see myself out . you look ba lonely . i feel ba lonely . you want to be friends . i do . um , how clean is that hand . mmm mah . cleaner now . okay . a fish says , moo . this isnt gonna last long . i still take baths in the sink . okay , its over . sorry , ralph . ill be eating crayons for one . oh , the plan is perfect . i just have to get skinner to hold still while i slip a firecracker in his butt . lisa come on , give it up . bart , i realized whats been going on . weve been operating under the influence of hormones . hormones . sounds far fetched . very far fetched . well , its true , so give skinner a shot . everyone deserves happiness . even wieners . hey , dad , how much does the mustache fairy pay . hmm , three bucks . when you asked me to go skating , i really thought you knew how . uh , i thought i could learn by watching youtubes this morning . all right , simpson , im here . do what you do best  your worst . look , seymour , im not gonna do a thing . carol , hes all yours . wow . the first war ive won . uh , carol , all thats left is for you to meet my mother , and , uh , up she skates now . my son , i just want to say , i wish the four of you the best . four of us . you , her , your model planes and nudie books . sorry , seymour . now i cant look at you without picturing it . oh , my rooms not that bad . im talking about your mother . hey , listen , want to roast marshmallows . id like that . great , man , great . youre buying . thank you , simpson . that does feel better . fire looks like its dying down . bart thanks , man . well , i guess a lot of women leave their men to go back and serve in afghanistan . no one drives em away like you , seymour . well , no more makeup for me . ever . what about when youre blowing your stupid horn at carnegie hall . if you say it out loud , it wont come true . carnegie hall . carnegie hall . carnegie hall . looks like someones still drinking the milk . shh . springfield . isnt he magnificent . i guess . announcer tired of the same old monuments . both you bet we are . come to springfield . we have more handicapped parking spots for fat guys than any non chicago city , and at this years founders day parade we will unveil our new state of statue of jebediah springfield . i founded springfield in billy . wow , hes so interactive . heres a coupon for one cheese pizza at luigis on a main a street . fast talking announcer artists conception of the original statue design , which is not the actual statue design . your statue may vary . bart and lisa can we see the statue . please , dad . can we . can we . can we . its not gonna be as good as you think . nothing ever is . but it gets us out of the house . all can we . can we . can we . oh , wait , im me . sure . this is my favorite part of the parade , coming to the kwik e to laugh at the losers who forgot to bring parade supplies . which reminds me , we need parade supplies . parade jerky . get your parade jerky . beef , turkey or pork . it all tastes like a delicious shoe tongue . ah , one tube of sunblock . that will be . once again , keeping the bald man down . i do have a philadelphia ers hat that you could wear for free . ill pay . ill pay . leading the parade is the new jebediah springfield statue that local wags have already dubbed quimbys folly . er , uh , i am jebediah springfield , brought to you by springfield auto lube . chuck , ernie , and arturo are there for you . this ad was a bad call , man . kent and now , here comes our brand new swat tank . newswoman this expensive urban pacification vehicle was funded by homeland security . gaze in wonder at americas debt . we love you , officer puff n stuff . ah . thank you . and now springfields true heroes , our volunteer fire department . wait , what . hey . hey . this is the one good thing i do . youre simply the best crowd oh , . lousy chili cookers . grabbing all our glory . all right , calm down , chief . i heard a couple of ohs but thats it . all ah . ah . ahs .  . oh , thats grand theft thunder . hey , cops , does swat stand for short , wide and tubby . im not sure , but i doubt it . hmm . all right , you pole sliders asked for it . chief , what are you doing . im gonna hit em so hard their dalmatian loses its spots , ha . uh , theyre theyre coming at us . release our fiercest weapon  foam . who wants juice . who needs juice . nobody . i i cant control this thing . let me drive . okay , im stuck in a hole . oh , were headed for the kwik e . someone call the police . before i die , i would like to know just what is in these nudie magazines . what is it , brother . an interview with jim gaffigan . we are still alive . oh , there is a gods . i didnt do it . nobody saw me do it . you cant prove anything . you did do it , i saw you do it , and heres proof . homer aha . ay , caramba . what are you gonna do , man . you know what im gonna do . im gonna turn this in . you can rot in jail . the only time youll come out is to see the dentist . no , you cant be serious . you know the kind of things theyll do to me at the dentist . well , theres only one other way . you have to promise never to prank again . come on , man . if i dont do these pranks soon , when im older theyll be crimes . promise me . i promise . say it like you mean it . i promise . now say it like youre talking to a dying soldier who was with you all the way from d day, , and you gotta take his saint christopher medal back to his mother . take me there . i promise . whoa , calm down , pacino . marge oh , apu , its good to see you doing so well . i know you cant turn your head , but youve got a great view . oh . are you okay . marge , hes got nine lives . i am a hindu , sir , not a cat . i have infinite lives during some of which i may be a cat . in those i do have nine . apu , face it . our store is ruined . this is painful , but i no longer want the customers to , come again . i want to work somewhere else . i see . nurse . transfer this man to the mental ward . okay . listen to me , when i was hit with the sign , that was a sign . im through . how can you abandon me , brother . well , the way we abandoned our other brother . what other brother . all i remember on that boat was you , the tiger , and the wise , old fox . the oh , my god . the fox was actually tikku . oh , sweet , little tikku , i blocked out the memory . oh , no . tikku . yes , well , i have given my share of the store to my son , jamshed . he will rebuild while you recuperate . little jamshed . oh , how hes grown . indeed , first in his class with a business degree from wharton , and he is ready to take my place de gunking the cheese warmer . all right , my brother . i will especially miss looking into your tired , sunken eyes during our wordless shift changes . hm . remember when we used to nod . i do , i do . it is down to just you and me now , store . together , nothing can stop us . unless they put another store within three blocks , which i hear they plan to do . and now to lower this photo to see what is really there . there , we gave him one last look at it . roll away the photo . quick fresh . who spells quick with a q . hey , uncle apu . jamshed . come on , man , jamshed died at band camp . im jay now . yup . check it . i just bitch slapped your kwik e into the st century . an upgrade . no . i will just live in the happy past one moment longer . ah . disco stu is in denial with you . check it out , uncle a . i made this place healthy . i added softer lighting . were even getting a better class of robber . im afraid i must relieve you of your spare cash and a nice bottle of gin . ah , mrs . peel , shall we . okay , those guys are cool , but still , jamshed  i im sorry , jay  i know my customers . all they want is something they can eat while driving . id like a heat lamp dog , please . somewhere between two and six blisters . im sorry , we dont serve those anymore . theyre a heart attack shaped like a penis . why , you , millennial easy , brah . check out our olive bar . mmm . ha , see , he doesnt care what he eats . he just eats things in that location . hey , quit talking like i cant hear . this is my store . mine and sanjays . my fathers enjoying his retirement . bubba watson . you are no vijay singh . dont forget , my dad owned more of this place than you did . oh , you , i cant i okay , can we move this discussion into the restroom . you have a restroom . no . no . i saw the whole jam from my seat on top of the atm machine . you know what , im not gonna scratch this last one . a smart man knows when to walk away . aah . one paid for ticket and all the rest were losers . they say dont scrape where you eat , but jay that ticket won the biggest scratcher payoff in kwik e history .  . wow whoop , dont mind me . jay but that was the last winner he saw . he scratched and scratched , using this . is that the same dime . it started as a quarter . jay he was hospitalized briefly with scratchers lung . each time , he paid my dad back with another piece of the store . so , sanjay  and now i  own of the quick ficky fresh and rising come on , big bang theory scratcher . bring me back to break even . sheldon , oh . wolowitz . always wolowitz . bart , chalmers is sunbathing nude under a beehive . sorry , man , im retired . now to present my manhood to the sun . there he is . no more pranking . but do you know how much imagination it costs to appear in a thought bubble . sorry , milhouse , cant . and you know what . a little part of me is glad that chalmers crotch isnt covered in bees . really . lets put this good bart to the test . thank god , the department of homeland security financed this cherry picker to detangle the flag . extend , . all this extending is making me thirsty . just smash the window , unlatch the brake , and skinner plummets to his hilarious doom . now hes safer than ever . yup , youre officially springfields bad boy now . and i am up to the task . oh . dad , were taking apu out to cheer him up . this time , please watch the kids . how about you pay me like a real sitter . another one of your nonsensical , rambling stories . id like to get paid . in corn cob pipes , right . because in you and just get going . dad , check out this a i got in citizenship . sorry , boy , late for dinner . i know exactly how you feel , bart . this family isnt the greatest at recognizing achievement . wow , now i understand why youre so mad all the time . i really do . aw , thank you , bart . hey , you want to go move our mouths without speaking to drive grampa nuts . id like that . what the . speak up . oh , i guess ill just have to turn my hearing aid up to the max . another hey . another chianti , please . uh , maybe you should slow down a little . oh , yes , because it will take all of my faculties tomorrow to affix my name tag right side up . mm hmm . oh , there he is . the so called marketing genius who increased revenue over . please , dont make a scene . but if you do , bring back bread . oh , hey , uncle . arent you going to introduce me to your friends . what , are you embarrassed by me . um , well , yes , a little . you are ashamed of me . me , who has been as loyal to you as gunga din to sergeant archibald cutter . thats exactly what im talking about . youre my uncle , bruh , and i love you , but youre a stereotype , man . take a penny , leave a penny . im indian . i do yoga . why dont you go back to the temple of doom , dr . jones . temple of doom three months i worked on that and all you can see is my hand in one shot . big whoop . thank you very much , mr . spielberg . and and i say that you are a stereotype . all you do is spout stupid , hipster buzzwords . swipe left on that accusation . epic swipe left . well , my dear nephew , this stereotype will no longer be a troublesome potato in your chicken vindaloo . good luck to you . stereotype a . whos a stereotype a . thats a spicy accusation . you pipe a down . hello . hello , anyone here . hey , brah , come in and chillax . whoa , uh , i came in for the new issue of toes and torsos , but , uh , that can wait . whats going on here , my friend . oh , i lost my store and my identity , and all i have left is my vest here . one of them listens to me . what are you doing . i leave for one second , and youre talking like a mumbai riverboat pilot . bombay . to me it will always be bombay . not cool , man . give me your vest . no , please , you cant take it . this vest has a bullet hole for every time i have been shot . it is my lucky vest . i love you , man , but youre fired . fo evah . amateur . whoa , apu , you need a visit to moes tavern , your downward spiral headquarters . hey , were on the cover of this months giving up magazine . check it out , that was the last issue ever . hey , guys , this is too sad . we we gotta help apu get his store back . yeah , okay , lets see , uh , homer , your boys no good , right . not much . well , why dont you ask him to pull a prank to help apu turn his nice , new store here back into a rat hole . well , i kinda straightened him out . i was hoping hed stay that way till the marines take him . you cant think of yourself , homer . apus always been there for us . yeah , except for that hurricane when he jacked up the prices . okay , so i got a little gouge y, , but i i dont hold the looting against you guys . some looting . i got there late , and all that was left was a bag of ice , and they played the clip on cnn for a week . but i am one of you now . i sponsor your little league teams , and i sell you christmas gifts at a . m . on christmas morning . yeah , that hello kitty cell phone cover really saved my ass with marge , and when i think of it , what do we have children for if not to sacrifice them for our needs . all hear , . hear , . oh , gee , i guess you guys are gonna have to buy more beers . homer ba bart . bart . bart ba bart oh , leave me alone . listen , boy , i need you to do a prank for apu . i dont get it , man . you told me to stop pranking , and i did . and you know what . i dont miss it . without you strangling me , my throat is finally healing . i can sing again . praise god from whom all blessings flow praise him all creatures here below you know what , youre right . what was i thinking . go back to sleep . dad . yes . say someone were to do this prank , would the prankster receive a later bedtime . say , . no , you know something , boy , i realized i made a big mistake . i like the new , well behaved you . i can stop saving up for that house near the prison . oh , i never should have bought that clockwork orange video for his fifth birthday . i thought it would help him tell time , and now ive awoken a monster . lisa you awoke me , too . i thought you were sleeping over at rachels . rachel was my imaginary friend when i was three . then when she was five , she moved to white plains , new york . homer what . i never said good bye . well , they wanted to leave quickly . her dad had been caught in an affair . her brother took a semester off college , and he never went back . and her mother . lisa her mothers the really sad story . oh , ive ive heard enough . my return to prankdom is elegant in its simplicity . all we do is cut the power in the store for seconds . and no preservatives in the food , so everything will immediately go bad . oh , its an honor to be the guy you explain it to . bart , wait . i like the new you . listen , before you flip those circuit breakers , look deep in your sisters eyes and tell me what you see . i see love . unconditional love . which means i can do whatever i want . doh . ah . save us , chemicals . at least the mushrooms are okay . that is a wheel of brie . come on , this is the cleanest place in town , and you know it . another failed millennial . who is a clich now . now to remove all signs of our presence . ah . we must have used it up during the parade . mm , it was a great parade . krusty aw , lets get out of here . youre simply the best i am sorry , nephew . i was jealous , and karma has exacted a terrible price . word . and i was kind of a douche wheel . you know , even your way of apologizing offends me . what is this . my ruin and my redemption . my last two dollars . i have nothing to scratch it with . use me , apu . make my life worth something . no , uncle a , its a clown move , bruh . or maybe , just maybe , a genius clown move . ah . sheldon , three sheldons . it is a winner , and it is so much money , which means so many more tickets . precious , tickets . i no , its money . oh , it is so good to see you . i have my store back , my friend . but i have something that i wanted even more , you know , a feeling that i belong . im glad i could help by giving my son a little nudge in the wrong direction . and now , i have something very , special for you , my friend . this is the legendary , jumbo , golden squishee cup . it will be refilled by me , for free , for the rest of your life . holy moly , all those squishees . how much is that gonna cost you . ah , about three bucks . this time its cause i let ralph drive . i thought it was pretend . let it never be said i cannot admit a mistake , especially in the middle of a recall campaign . we will now destroy the new jebediah springfield statue . chief , you may fire when ready . damn it . shh . springfield . the simpsons x love is in the n o elderman doh . hmm . uh sir . yes . uh , well , tomorrow is valentines day . ah , yes , the day of the great chicago massacre . uh , and our employees have requested to leave early to be with their loved ones . of course , uh , ill be with you . oh , smithers . more face hardener . never . well , if you want to tamp down a potential rebellion , might i suggest a party after work . a sweethearts dance , if you will . sweet hearts . mmm tasty . excellent . no , i dont want candy . its not candy , its baby hearts . ah a sweet hearts dance it is . hey , brandine . you know how to shake and bake cherub . cletus , you know i can fry up whatever you can shoot down . oh , brandine , of all the cousins i coulda married , you was my sister . carl , this is mandy . mandy , isnt carl everything i said he was . okay , lenny , time to stop talking about carl . why dont you to ask me to stop breathing . oh , marge , its so great to combine the two loves of my life goofing off and you . hey , listen , theres one fantasy ive always wanted to indulge in . if youre willing . what are those frisky hounds up to now . wait a minute . that contractor said this was a bottomless pit . ill have his license . hey , professor . i didnt know you worked here at the plant . i consult . sometimes they listen , sometimes not . people have died . you didnt hear that from me . so , who are you here with . well , no one as yet . but i havent turned on the old frink charm . hello there , vo ivy . well , theres , uh , no mistaking that message . grampa hello , homer . doh . what is it , dad . its valentines day . im alone . and that cat who can smell if youre dying is staring at me . what are you looking at .  . son , im scared . this cat has taken five this year . people in their s dont just suddenly die for no reason . please come . okay , dad . well come over . can you pick me up a pack of diapers . oh , for  they always think theyre for me . fine . ill just take a large drum of butt ointment . hurry . uh oh . happy valentines day , everybody . i dont see why , unless you found that missing puzzle piece . how bout i put on some music . i never smiled again oh , i used to dance with my auggie to that tune . yeah , me and my bubbeleh made love to that song . creating a kid who never visits . announcer and now back to prairie home companion . man pull the plug . no , on me . okay , time for some valentines candy for our swinging seniors . dont patronize us , we know its pills . but its a new brand and theyre oh so pretty  look , green . like mms with hope . oh , its starting to kick in . much better . suddenly , i dont want to kvetch . i want to kvell . i can feel all the tension going out of my beard . oh oh mona . i thought you were gone . nonsense , abe . i didnt leave you and i am never going to leave you . that doesnt sound like the mona i knew . im the mona that lives in your memory , with all the anger turned to honey by nostalgia . so what youre saying is , this is really happening . do you think its okay to leave them here . marge , all we ever do is leave them here . i just think theres more we should do . we could visit your mother . no . no , youre right . lets go home . homer check it out , guys . cvs stands for cheap valentines surplus . you get a box . you get a box . havent forgotten about you , suspicious iranian coworker . please , call me dennis . oh , my gurvy is muh . oi professor . professor , come on , this is a workplace . oh , dregs . oh , wow . oh , my egg head is pickled , muh oyvic . did you sleep here all night . yes , you are right , i did . valentines day , you see , is quite difficult for me . i saw that stephen hawking movie and all i could think is , hes got a girl . give me a frickin break . two girls . oh , ill never win and ill always have to only be looking . listen , pal , ive had plenty of experience with one woman . and i can tell you , relationships are just trial and error . like anniversaries . first i tried dont remember , then remember too late , then i happily settled on make lisa remember . and my relationship with lisa has never been better . yes , you say trial and error , eh . my good man , that is nothing more than the scientific method . well , now , thats a little wasteful . ah , much better . i shall use science to uncover the secret to women . homer , scientific research can solve anything except for cold fusion , quasars , the interior of black holes and what preceded the big bang . but everything else can be solved , including love . pish posh, , professor . what makes a guy and a girl click isnt science . its chemistry . which is science . what .  . see , i have asked an enormous cross section of women one single question  what attracts you to a man . let us listen and learn and have some lemonade , which i just squeezed nicely . the most important thing that i look for i like it when theyre tall . blue eyes . definitely wants kids . hmm , i didnt hear the last one . first ill replace these coke bottle glasses with invisible blue contacts . mm hmm . next , of course , is shoe lifts for height . make you much taller , look down upon people . its wonderful . whoa , hey , look at me . im herman munster . actually , he had lily , who was quite a dish . so , do you , uh , find me attractive . sorry , but no . oh , curse the luck . and this is an android that i programmed to say nothing but yes . why . why . why . what am i over look . uh , professor dont be offended . do you think it might be your voice . why , whats wrong with my voice , with the up and down and the extra words and the terminal nonsense in the hoyven clyven wayen . oh , my god , its the voice . duh . marge hello . were here to see abe simpson . i brought him a homemade card . i brought me . thats enough . oh what the . gee , i thought theyd be over this by now . wow , they are really out of it . there must be some way to take advantage of them . youre telling me . eh . this little device , which fits under the tongue , will change everything . this voice is an amalgam of great voices from clark gable to walter cronkite to rush limbaugh . i dont agree with his politics , but his body is a natural echo chamber . wow . that does change everything . you turned me on . oh , its time for a little field test , i see . any other advice , homer . yep  hang out at yoga classes . thats where the ladies are . how would you know about yoga class . uh , i thought it was yogurt class . twenty one . dealer wins again . now , heres our headliner , dolly parton . oh , shes good . bart . ay , caramba . youre taking advantage of these people who dont know where they are . im taking them back where they belong . oh , no , you dont . he just comped me a suite . fantastic . you cant keep pumping powerful drugs into people who cant even bite into a peach . mrs . simpson , its a fact . if these seniors arent medicated , i cant binge watch boardwalk empire . nucky dies at the end . yeah , well , screw you . im going to report you to the state . i really dont care . wha . you broke me . im going to say something ive never said . how can i help you . um , ill wait outside cause they might make me do something . ive changed my height , ive changed my eyes , my relationship status  i i dont know why i put unavailable there . that certainly did not help matters . but now it is time to change my voice oyce voy and the hoyvin and the flayvin are now hasta la vista , frinky . oh . mm im always next to the jerk who comes here to meet women . hey , look , i get you . you broke up with a long  time high school boyfriend cause he just wasnt going anywhere . then you play the field , but its all losers who just want to take from you . now youre just hoping beyond hope for a man you can hug wholl organize the wires behind your tv . and believe you me , sweetheart , i can organize every wire you have . now id like to show you a picture of my new puppy . yeah , his names logarithm . i mean larry . aw heres my number . and to prove its not a lie yeah , baby . call me . man , youre reading page three and the next thing you know , youre finishing the last article , hmm . i got all their numbers . boy , you are smooth . carl smooth . now id better get home . and in case marge is mad , can i borrow that chip . oh , sure thing , pal . i have extras . chitter , baby . i was so worried . where have you been . no , dont tell me . i dont want to hear one of your stupid lies . marge , my dear , you are the pork chop with gravy on top . and im the applesauce that brings out your flavor . oh , homie . what the hell was that . what the . youre not my wife . which i find intriguing . suit yourself . so , professor , tell me all about last night . dish dish . uh , yes , well , i cant talk now . im on a date . and then i have a date . and then another date . is there such a thing as too much of a good thing . this is my cousin , nookie kwan . im number one on the east side . oh , gah layvin . have any of you seen john frink . he aint here . but his hover tronic frink a is parked outside . hey , if i say he aint here , he aint here . hey , moe , theres a rat floating in my beer . it aint there . thank you , my good man , but , uh , i saw some terrible things down there . like for one , moe is pantsless . hey , its apron only tuesday . oi youre a lucky guy , frinky . got all the chicks you want while i cant find a single woman to put up with me and my domesticated wolverine . lucky frink . i got nothin . some guys get all the breaks . let me see here . uh , needy men plus lonely women i i just bring them together . hey , thats some nice thinkin there . now , how bout a beer and a baked potato . ah , that sounds nice . we dont serve baked potatoes . what happened . everyone is incredibly depressed . i admit the hallucinations were getting out of hand , so i stopped the meds . and hid them in the one place theyll never look the library . well , theres one thing you didnt count on  i go there because its the only room in this building with heat . grampa , youre not allowed to take dangerous drugs unless theyre in a little paper cup . listen here . every night i watch my roommate cry himself to sleep . yesterday i found out it was a mirror . im gonna find my mona . theres a lesson here  never visit grampa . my old car . oh , thats some fine hallucinatin . to the good ol days before polio was cured . hot diggity . its america the way i liked it , before we went to the moon and discovered how boring it was . i found the one happy moment in years of life and i aint leavin it . oh , this aint right . thats better . this ends right now . shes not real . none of this is real . imaginary cigarettes . nonexistent candy . get outta here , marge . unescorted women like you arent allowed in this era . im not getting out , im cutting in . you cant live here . you have people in the real world who love you . two are standing right over here . if you live in the past , youll never have us . and whats more precious to a grampa than his grandchildren . particularly his grandson . aw , your sexist argument has won me over . we women will have our day . attaboy . good bye, , mona . and good bye, , pack of cigarettes for a quarter . i think ill miss you the most . so what , uh all that dancin around with me meant nothin . oh , ill be back to steal a kiss later . and as for you ive got more involved plans . so , frink is finally going to announce which woman hes chosen to be with at the springfield planetarium . its like an episode of the bachelor , but you drive there and pay six dollars for parking . why are we both explaining it if we all know whats happening . i like talking to you . ladies , please pay attention here . you see , i , uh i thought i was the only one who was lonely . but i have learned that loneliness is everywhere , like superhero movies . how many times can batman begin . i have reworked my algorithms to make you not like me , but to find the man that will make each of you happiest , yes . uh , release the bachelors . i hope they enjoy it . duffman would love to be taught how to speak in the first person . everyones paired up . almost everyones paired up . professor , what about you . wheres your match . for me , my true love is intellectual conquest , the the music of the spheres . well , sometimes its good just to be alone . and now the purple dusk of twilight time steals across the meadows of my heart high up in the sky the little stars climb elderly woman what are you doing with my daughter .  . why did i build a mother . oi , goy vick . wait a minute , how come were all back here . i flushed the rest of the pills down the toilet . looks like they made their way to the reservoir . we should really try to wake up . are you kidding . theres a full buffet and dean martins here . eh , thats right , pally . here , try the shrimp . some have gone bad , but , uh , most are fine . elderman shh . springfield . announcer its fourth and nine for the simpsons . homer takes the snap , looking for a receiver . theyre all covered . hes gonna sneak it in . oh , man , that is why he gets to control the remote . the simpsons x gal of constant sorrow elderman mmm . oh , this tile is loose . ill have to call a handy man . whyd you say it like that . with a pause between the words . are you saying im not handy . thats how you say it handy man . its handyman . thats what i said handy man . marjorie , there is the profession handyman , and there are men who are handy . which are you saying im not . tell me . a handy man . face it , homeboy , you aint handy . unless we need a big fat paperweight . ill paperweight you . oh . homie , sweetie , replacing a tile is something you really need a professional for . i know how to replace a tile . all guys do . we talk about it all the time . grout . theres no stopping what ive started here . heres your tile . have fun . handy man . lisa , honey , do you have any idea how to replace a floor . heres a video tutorial on replacing a tile . i dont know if i need a whole tutorial to teach me youre tapping . you have to swipe . im im swiping , im swiping . pretend youre swiping chocolate icing off a cake . all right , hows that . ah , see . there . there it is , yeah . perfect . there really is icing on here . all right , then . hi there . if youre watching this video , youve got a job that needs doing but youre too cheap to pay for it . man , this guys inside my head . now , replacing a tile is a simple task . as long as the substrate beneath the tile isnt rotted . if there is rot in your substrate , we will now play loud music so you can curse . stupid floor . why was i born a homeowner . on your marks . on your marks . get set . get set . twins . twins . loser . oh , boy . oh . why is everyone passing us . you know how scared i am of going on a slant . oh . ow . latchkey kids rule . i cant die now . i actually did my homework . im sorry , maam . come spring , ill go get that for you . dang good for cart . always fighting to go left when i wanted to go right . it was my only friend . now take your sponge , wipe away the excess grout and youre done . oh , my god , it looks like what its supposed to look like . i did man work . my hero . im happy to say i was wrong . ill put maggie down and make you a snack . something bacon y . a bacon apology sandwich . what . no . no . no . oh , i sealed in the cat . if it dies , itll stink up the whole house . also , the kids like it . stupid genius cat . she went from under the floor to inside the wall . here , kitty , . marge more repairs . aah . marge , i should tell you something . i knew it . youre not a handy no . you did not know it . i was going to say im not stopping with the tile . oh , no . once youve been bitten by the repair bug , you cant quit . how would you like hot water in the bathtub again . ill go get the h knob out of my jewelry box . mmm . dont take long , handy man . handyman . okay , cat , ill get you out tomorrow , but heres dinner . lasagna , which i know cats like . oh . nothing to see here . just kneeling in front of the electric outlet , appreciating edisons miracle . look , hettie , you got two choices . under the bed or in the closet . i suppose i will take the closet . oh , my goodness . this is like my heyday when i was livin in that car . you know , you get enough parking tickets on the front , they act like curtains . mmm . hey , mornin , boss . hey , what you take in your coffee . cause i got sugar and i got something called not for individual sale . listen . i dont think you should get too comfortable here . okay , . thought you might say that , but , uh , what if i make it amenable to you . if you hide me here , ill give you a dollar a day . heres one week in advance . yes , im a slumlord . drake started from the bottom , now were here started from the bottom , now the whole team here started from the bottom , now were here started from the bottom , now the whole team here started from the bottom , now were here started from the bottom , now my whole team here started from the bottom , now were here started from the bottom , now my whole team here started from the bottom , now were here started from the bottom , now were here i done kept it real from the jump living at my mama house , wed argue every mornin i was  i was trying to get it on my own working all night , traffic on the way home and my uncle calling me like where ya at . i gave you the keys , told you bring it right back i just  i just think its funny how it goes now im on the road , half a million for a show and we started from the hmm . sorry , cat . had to go to work . then there was a freeway chase on the news . had to watch it till the end . the guy got arrested in a cul de . they never do what i yell at them to do . oh , youre in the ceiling . do not use top step . stupid government , trying to keep us down . where is bart getting this money . lisa . just what do you think youre up to . mm come on . you can tell dr . tuna . okay , i admit it . i think barts up to something funny , so im snooping in his room . no snooping . you know what they say about curiosity . it killed the cat . the cats fine . stop asking about the cat . man lose a kewpie doll in front of your gal . hey , boss . we have a situation here . you owe me three weeks back rent . aha . bart simpson , you are cruelly exploiting a poor , unfortunate woman . so , youre gonna tell mom and shes gonna kick hettie out . girlie , aint you got a heart . nope . all brain , no heart . yeah . she looks like a little bitty railroad bull . now i got to sing for my supper . i wrote this one a few days ago . this is a song about loss . it was a cart meant for shopping it came to mean much more to me it held the pan i cook my slop in and my old playstation it was my home and my place of worship it was my home and it was kinda my car now youre just rolling underwater while safeway wonders where you are . whoa . my roommate is talented . if i know my smithsonian folkways , that was an appalachian folk song . well , im from lickskillet , kentucky , just shy of the appalachia trail . really . oh , i love , indigenous mountain music . well , isnt that fascinatin . im glad you liked the song . yes . i liked it very , m oh . you want money . im sorry . i dont have any . im also a musician . but you can stay in our house . ha ha . its a deal . back in the boys closet . no , hettie . youre a human being . you can sleep in my closet . hmm . well , la di . how much you charge . nothing . maybe we can talk a little music . ugh . boy , whats your price again . okay , well only talk about it if you want to . but it would be an honor . okay , lets go . oh , youve hurt yourself . uh , nope , thats syrup . oh , let me find you a wet nap . i just woke up from a wet nap . okay . conversations over . check , one , two . all right . no , leave the windows open . i like crickets and night breeze in my music . they do go well together . have you always been musical . you know , first sound i ever heard was my daddy fiddlin . his name was bascom lee boggs . bascom lee boggs .  . he played with some seminal appalachian bands , like snug and the cousin huggers , lead paint larry and the drooly boys , howlin sue and her vestigial organ , and bloody mary and the coalmine canaries . did your daddy teach you to fiddle . no . he was gonna start me out on the cigar box banjo , but , uh , before he could , he he lost his sight . oh , no . im sorry . yeah , he got shot in the face . you know them puzzles where you slide the tiles . he looks a little like that now . my mother was an amazing banjo player . mmm . unfortunately , she did also go blind . really . yeah , it was winter and she was runnin a fever and , um , then she got shot in the face . oh , wow . hettie , youve had such a sad life . but you know what . thats gonna turn around when i show the world what its missing in you . well , i dont know if the worlds gonna get me , but , child , it sure feels good to know that you do . mmm . mmm . youre having a moment with someone who has so few moments . this will never be forgotten . oh , baby girl , i feel like im back home in poorest appalachia . thank you . okay . and three , two , one oh , barnes noble oh , i am sorry to see that your store has been shuttered i miss your bathroom policy i would sleep in your stalls for many a long day its lovely , but i want you to know ive ive truly come to hate music . that is so sad . i wanted to arrange a concert in springfield park . we needed the schools lights and sound system . lights . sweetie , you dont know a fresnel from a gobo . well , i think youll help me every way you can . and why , pray tell , is that . because deep down , theres still a part of you that remembers music can be magical . youre right . i cant bear to kill your passion . it will live at least until third grade , when you get mrs . ortner . so , i got back together with jeff . then , of course , i realized there was a reason we broke up . that sounds awful , and you look stupid doing it . hettie , i have a surprise for you . oh , well , barbecue my bedbugs . that is glorious . to pay for it , i sold my malibu stacys . which , from a feminist perspective , was long overdue . but i have a ken that im transitioning to a stacy . try it on , try it on , try it on . i heard you the second time . mmm , . why , thank you , your majesty , i will have another cup of soda . lis , . what .  . ive seen you like this before , and it ends badly . she is gonna break your heart . and your hearts as tough as a soap bubble . remember how upset you got over that dead plant . oh . its the seven month anniversary of that . oh , geez , here we go again . ugh . you know what , bart . just get out . and get dads keys and drive us to the radio station . and then get out . wait until were done . then drive us back . then get out . homer damn it . hey . hello , homer . i need to do the laundry . uh , ill do it . oh . homer you idiot . now well always have to do the laundry . ill do it wrong so shell never ask again . homer , youre a genius . thanks , brain . oh , im not your brain . im a blood clot . okay . im goin in . thank god i never put in that insulation . whoo hoo . i glide silently through the wall . silently , ever silently . aah . oh , rogue nails . oh . hot pipe . gah . its oh . rough tongue . aah . oh , thats just aw , crap . sure am glad we dont have a horse . welcome back to mountain trax . im here today with the one and only miss hettie mae boggs , the baby of the boggs family . well , im a little big for a baby . although my mother did have a . charming . does anyone on this station talk like theyre not at a funeral . no . im afraid we all do . so , hettie , youre doing a concert tonight . yes , she is . could you tell our listeners why you didnt perform with your older brothers and sisters . i mean , they would ask me to . they would theyd say , hettie , come over here , pick up a banjo and play a song with us . and , um , i dont know . id say , no , im happy just to sit down by the creek and do my heroin . you know . wait . what . is it also true youve been discovered by , and then turned your back on , well meaning supporters time and time again . uh , yes , yeah , that is a pattern i adhere to , and do you have any oxycontin . now , if you got some , you dont have to say yes . you just got to blink . maybe we should take a break . for the record , im not blinking . hes holding . he just wont share . no , hettie , please tell me that youre rehabilitated . please tell me that youre talking about heroin so that no one else will follow in your footsteps . please reassure me because i am frightened . oh , baby girl , i wouldnt let you down . you and me  we get each other , yeah . but if i dont get something sweet , i might shoot someone in the face . are you saying that you shot your parents in the face . i dont know . thats not really the kind of thing you remember . you know what i mean . all right , im gonna go now . bye . lis , if she shoots your face off tomorrow , just remember this is what it looks like . she is not going to let me down . she is not . i am saving her . okay , youve convinced me . youre out of your mind . so , howd it go at the co ed kickball championship . all a lie . lisas been hiding a dangerous heroin addict in her closet . you were hiding her in your closet , too . i was renting week to . homer , do you know what was going on in our house . why are you asking meow  i mean , me now . homer , i know about the cat . i also know about the dog . hes fine . ive been taking care of everything . you knew . it was pretty sexy pretending you were toolsy . but lisa let a strange kentucky lady live in our house without our permission . well , now i dont know where she is , and i believed in her , and we have a concert in minutes . oh , honey , well find her . you entertain the audience till we get there . okay , ill play my sax . well , thatll turn a disappointed crowd into a lynch mob . shut up . okay , if you want to find this woman , and i recommend you dont , heres a little clue . hettie usually smells like radiator booze . to cletus country . hettie , we need to get you up , run you through a car wash and get you to that concert . you hush up now . fortunately for you , im fluent in drunk . now , come on , get up . youre gonna get up and and backtalk . nobody tell me what to do . not you , not the po lice . not even the police . cletus , why did you give her a shotgun . hey , i do not give anyone firearms . now , she mustve taken that out the umbrella stand . oh , your little girls been so good to me . i cant shoot you in the face . ill just make you deaf for a week . oh . i have church tomorrow . can you do the other . thank you . give it up . she isnt coming . youve just made a very powerful enemy  npr . our revenge is made possible by listeners like you . hello , springfield . theyre gone , and i am never , ever gonna forgive you . as i went down in the river to pray slipped in the mud and lost my way found a bag of chips and half a twix thank you , lord , for this day oh , honey , ive been down bread bag shoes and a burger king crown oh , honey , ive been down and down is where i think im gonna stay . ugh . okay , you can sleep it off on our couch . well , thank you , sweetheart . hey , what time do you do your couch gags . around in the morning . youll be fine . elderman in the house next door to flanders theres a devil boy named bart fatsos lost his catso and the girl has a great big heart the curtains all have corncobs theres a sailboat on the wall theres selma and a patty and a grampa who is batty apu and his squishy , the three eyed fishie and they aint aware that i took the silverware from the house next door to flanders okay , everyone into the tunnel . in the house next door to flanders moms hairdo scrapes the sky the baby dont say nothin and no one wonders why oh , this place is dirtier than the tunnel . shh . springfield . hopefully , this will put the final nail in the coffin of lakes and rivers . well , as a mother , i we all know youre a mother . as a mother , i like that wherever i look , i can see a lifeguard . im finding nemo . i saw heaven . my head . mom . bart got my hair wet , and i wasnt ready to get it wet yet . hmm . im afraid youre going in the kiddie pool . oh . ive had baths that were more exciting . baths . oh , my god , a plastic ring . out of my way , you little twerps . i want that ring . ow . hmm . hey , uh , do you have any waterslides for the gentleman of leisurely proportions . right this way , sir . this park specializes in extra wide double reinforced tubing for the modern american fatso . oh , well . cola wars veteran coming through . woo hoo . im exercising . awesome . milhouse , how long you been waiting in line . you mean you didnt use the app last week to get your slammin salmon line number . what are you , amish . all right , time to thin out the herd . deep voice , over p . a . attention , bathers , this is water park president cal a . bunga . do not panic , but the pools are infested with those tiny fish that swim up your wiener . get out of the way . again , do not panic . if you think a wiener fish has entered your dingus , the only cure is to roll around naked in the snow . uh , lou , i need a big favor from you . oh , man . i they dont train you for this at the academy . well , they should . whee . yes . oh , dear god . bio breach . that poor raccoon . isnt anyone gonna do anything . he committed natures greatest crime coming inside . no heartbeat . finally , a chance to use my online cpr training . one , two , three , four five . one , two , three , four , five . lisa has a boyfriend . lisa has a boyfriend . oh , a boyfriend . and raccoons are such good providers . come on , come on . you have so much more trash to eat . steal one more breath , noble bandit . it worked . i saved you . my first rescue . and my first real kiss . shed have chosen me if i was wearing a real bathing suit . for once , a life saved at a springfield water park , where a quick thinking second grader performed emergency cpr on a drowning nuisance animal , while dozens of unheroic onlookers just stood around . where was channel six news . filming gas pumps and their ever changing prices . which accomplishes what . i dont know . director theres eight minutes left . uh , did we do gas prices . yes . we saw you on the picture radio . they chyroned your name . they described you as local girl . hubba , . they sure got that right . lisa , it looks like youre the perfect student to look after nibbles the hamster here during spring break . id take him with me , but im doing jell o shots with former students . this spring break , im gonna go wild with responsibility . my dads spending spring break in a cage , too . and for saving that raccoon , i got the opposite of teasing . i bet the germans have a word for it , like , uh , gerstronkenplatzen or something . i wish the germans had a word for this terrible traffic . and so ends the moment being about me . whats going on , chief . oh , nasty car crash . cant let traffic through until the cleanup crew mops up this mess . which is a problem , because theyre stuck in traffic behind you . okay , who did that .  . we need to get home . i left my father in on the sofa . hes got to be turned . yeah , well , that aint gonna happen . not unless you clean up this accident scene . actually , seriously , could you do that . hmm , i dont know . im one of those people who doesnt like being traumatized by horrifying sights . marge , do you know why i became a cop . if you do , could you tell me . cause its its really dangerous . b but these crime scene cleanups , theyre totally safe . all the bad people are dead or , uh , at large . so give it a shot . please . please , mom . huh . oh , all right . there you go . spick and span . wow , you even made the homeless guy look nice . yeah , still crazy though . you know , marge , uh , you ever want some fast extra cash , we are always looking for crime scene cleaner uppers . you know what they say crime always pays . plus , you can keep any money you find , and any jewelry that isnt monogrammed . hello , little girl . oh , does your hamster have tyzzers disease . that wouldve been interesting , but i swabbed him for tyzzers and it came up negative . my . you certainly know a lot about animals . thats just it , i do . i saved a raccoons life the other day . it was the best feeling ive ever had . is there any way i could work in your office . i mean , as an intern or anything . oh , do you know how many people walk in here every day looking for just such a thing . a lot , i bet . no , its never happened . grab a clean smock and follow me . oh , okay . i cant find a clean smock . then your first job is to clean the smocks . im ready , dr . budgie . oh , its a shame to ruin such a clean smock , but , uh , lets go . hmm . this is heaven . you got to help me , doc . my pet ferret has lost its terrible stink . well , that wont do . let me have a go at jump starting the old stink gland . lisa , my dear , can you restrain the ferret . it would be my honor . clear . we have stink lines . well done , lisa . heaven . ew . all right , veggie kibble for daisy here . chairman meow is having surgery tomorrow , so only liquid for you . and no more food for you , mr . snake , until you finish shedding your skin . oh . you have . dr . budgie , im really enjoying cleaning out these cages . no , really , i am , but are there any jobs that are more exciting . absolutely . you can hobble these crickets . we have a hungry chameleon whos slowing down with age , but he still loves the thrill of the hunt . mm . anything more life or deathy . i could take the animals temperature . i know what that means , and i am up for it . oh , lisa , slow down . do you know how many awkward courses i had to take before they let me put my arm inside a horse . i understand . i just feel like i could be doing more . oh , you remind me of a certain young man growing up in stratfordshire on . he , too , was impatient . always thinking he could do more . was that you . no . if that was me , i would have said me . this eager beaver had to leave veterinary school and become  ugh  a people doctor . oh . man and with the th pick of the th round of the nhl draft , the phoenix coyotes select lubochuck , . cdric blanger . but lubochuck . homie , i think we need a new ceiling fan . the old one doesnt seem safe . its fine . and it saves us money on haircuts . not bad , but i miss the social aspects of the barbershop . man the st . louis blues are now on the clock . lubochuck , . hmm . springfield pd . pd police department . ha . i just got that . chief , this is marge simpson . i think id like to do some of those crime scene cleanups . oh , great , . hey , i got a job for you right here . uh , murder suicide . or possibly a suicide murder . just bring a mop and your imagination . hey , it cant be worse than what ive seen . homer , i told you not to eat chili out of the colander . uh , its pronounced calendar . whats the matter , little guy . you havent touched your berries . do you need aphids for flavor . mmm . aphids . dr . budgie lisa , could you come here for a moment . at last . im trying to give this saint bernard a shot , but my hands are a little shaky . i had an extra gallon of tea for lunch . oh , my . if i hold him , do you think you could attend to the matter of the needle . of course . mm . careful , . a single millimeter either way would not make much of a difference . lisa huh . why am i not feeling the same rush i did with the raccoon . there it is . be careful , mrs . s . ive never seen an angel dust for guns swap go so wrong . hey , a mess is a mess . huh . let me start with this filthy crime scene tape . yarr , is the doctor in , miss . little goldie here is listing hard to starboard . i fear he may have tangled with the wrong plastic diver . hmm . could be fin rot . oh , no , not the big f . arr . do what you must . ill say my good byes . you were more wife to me than any woman i ever knew . captain , the diagnosis of fin rot is not the death sentence it used to be . a couple drops of medicine in the water , and hell be fine . hmm . yarr , thats amazing . eh , ive just got one more little problem . he , uh he ate me car keys . yarr . hurry , doc . his lungs are full of seltzer . homie . notice anything . um , are you having an affair . what . no . i bought a new ceiling fan . huh . oh , i thought the air felt a little more lively . but where did you get the money . actually , i made a little extra by cleaning up crime scenes . what . poor marge . i heard that can really mess you oh , baby , that cool air is sweet . up . are you sure youre not living a waking nightmare . no . not one little bit . and i get the police discount on cleaning supplies . i can finally clean grampas dentures . yeah , i got popcorn in there from kramer vs . kramer . i was rooting for kramer , but was dismayed when kramer finally won . thats a twist i didnt see kramer . happy birthday , martin . wheres the gift table . right over there , my friend . haw haw . some zoo . where are the rental strollers . actually , its not so bad . the animals are healthy . a couple of paddock scrapes , but nothing overly concerning . oh , knock it off . youre not a vet . youre a glorified cage scrubber . dr . budgie depends upon me . i have felt the cold breath of kennel cough in my face . i have seen tabbies that were more tick than cat . i know why the caged dog scoots . so when your lizard loses its tail , youre gonna need me to tell you its gonna grow back . want some peanuts , mr . elephant . uh , its a goat , not an elephant , and those are shrimp , not peanuts . and that goat is allergic to shrimp . your breath smells like dont drink that . milhouse , give me your epipen . youre not a professional . i am a self selected unpaid veterinary intern . now let me practice my craft . hey , hes as good as new . look at him play with the kids . see , bart . life or death . i make the choice . okay , time to cut the cake . thats my patient . guess what , sweetie . im wearing my snuggle socks . theyre compression socks from your heart surgery . all the same im not in the mood . what .  . youve never said that before . ive thought it three times . each time was after a burrito eating contest . but i won . whats wrong . its just that seeing you , lying down , reminds me of this bloated corpse i had to clean up today . hey , i look damn good for someone who eats the crap i do . maybe we should just go to sleep . i wasnt done with my drink . would you like my itty bitty booze light . ive never seen him like this . hes so listless . whos lost the urge to kill . whos lost the urge to kill . ill tell you whats wrong with him you . what . me .  . this dog is badly behind on his shots . hes displaying the symptoms of early onset parvo . im confiscating your dog . and , you , get out . smithers , ive been shamed . prepare a thimble of ice cream . some people dont deserve to own pets . bart and you get to decide who . dont fold your arms at me . lis , look at yourself . youve become so arrogant , youve forgotten who you are . and even worse , youve forgotten nibbles . nibbles . my pet . my responsibility . my homework . matted hair , dry tongue is this true , lisa . did you let this happen to a creature in your care . im so sorry . im so , sorry . pet hamsters need to be played with regularly , or they feel abandoned . and that can lead to stress polyps on the heart . the heart is the seat of love , lisa . if youd gone to veterinary school , youd know that . ive got no choice but to operate . and i need your help . you still want me to help you after i was so arrogant . lisa , arrogance is what made the british empire . then lost it . then pretended it didnt happen . well , weve done all we can . the next hours will be crucial . oh , hes gone . no , . he cant be dead . he cant . i thought we could save every animal if we just cared enough . homer okay , marge , sweetie , look at this one . see , marge . the baby laughs every time the toaster pops . it is pretty hysterical . thats nice . nice . something in you is dead , marge , and thats one crime scene you cant clean up . and all for a fan . a stupid ceiling fan that oh , man , thats refreshing . i want my marge back . hello . what is it , boy . uh huh . i see . fine , marge . you sit here , watch your boob tube , have a beer . thats not how homer simpson does things . i have to go help lisa . lisa . wait . wait , im coming with you . no answer . i guess we got to do this ourselves . oh , geez . all right , get some paper towels , boys . lisa . oh , mom , he trusted me as only a hamster can . if theres one thing ill always clean up , its my babys tears . oh , i shouldve been here for you . you wouldve never let anything happen to him . i was too busy being dead inside wherever he went , i hope they have hamster balls . doing i dont know what . but im here now , and ill never leave . well , ill be . lisas learning about death helped marge feel again . yes , a perfect dovetail . thank you for curing walter pigeon here . i cant afford to pay you , but i can give you front row seats to my magic show . the theme is boxing . sounds marvelous . oh , yeah , no . come on , it is . i want to thank everyone for coming to nibbless funeral today . bart over p . a . this is president cal a . bunga . on this sad occasion , the school flag will be flying at half ass . bart . i know that this is an especially hard time for the other classroom pets , including mrs . nibbles , shelly the turtle , sally mander , hamilton fish and willies chicken . willie , where is your chicken . it was either him or me . i see . please stand for nibbless final journey . elderman shh . springfield . the simpsons x the marge ian chronicles hey , flanders . gas up your leaf blower much . chickens . since when do you have chickens . oh , about six months . well , theyve been driving me crazy . get rid of them . oh . dont let these feathery fellas ruffle your feathers , fella . chickens . you have yourself a perfectly good coop , and thats what you keep in it . oh , homer , surely you know theres nothing tastier than a fresh laid egg . how do you want em , boys . both coddled . coddled . coddled . what is it about boys and their coddled eggs . hmm . mm hmm . hmm . whoa , so orange . im sorry , i cant eat these . flanders has freshly pooped eggs , orange as a sunset over a field of ripe doritos , while these  look , im just gonna say what were all thinking  store eggs are yellow . theyre yellow eggs , marge . yellow . why do you always think about what you dont have . has anyone ever thought about what they do have . have you . not that much . have you . nope . have you . boy , i wont live long enough to teach you about sex , but ill be damned if i dont show you how to steal eggs . okay , son , stay sharp in there . if chickens are known for two things , its bravery and intelligence . this is what were after . bart i got one . hurry , fat ass . how can idiots say theres no god when a species that evolved from dinosaurs feeds us their unfertilized babies . ugh , if i could lay eggs like these , id never leave my bedroom . the farmer . homer simpson , i am going to enjoy finding it in my heart to forgive you for this . well , theres no getting past that . we may not be able to steal flanders eggs , but we can steal his idea . you mean get our own chickens , feed them , love them and eat their eggs . check . mate . urban poultry farming is a great way to reduce our carbon footprint . or maybe increase it , im not sure . but theyre so cute . now , dont get attached . im about to cut them open to scoop out the eggs . no , look . theyre already laying . now , what lays bacon . one two eggs . delicious . delicious . these dont taste right . youre crazy , these are the best eggs ive ever eaten . no . no , something is missing . hmm . hmm , barts right . theyre not as good as the eggs we stole from flanders . the eggs we stole from flanders . you dont think they tasted so great because they were stolen , do you . only one way to find out . flanders my potato chips . okay , first , a chip from the control bag . now the stolen bag . its true . theft equals flavor . ah , forget it . just take em . you cant just give them to us . they only taste good if we steal them . keep chasing . it improves the flavor . sure , whatever works for you . i guess we dont need our chickens anymore . dont worry , ive already found a research facility that will raise them humanely . i wasnt worried about that . if youre going to eat the chickens , dont tell the girl . oh , no , these chickens are here to advance the cause of science . homer look at all those lab coats . at exploration incorporated , our mission is to help humanity make the next big leap . thats so fascinating . when did you incorporate . we are preparing to launch the first privately funded, , manned mission to mars . youre going to mars . thats incredible . uh , yes . how do you plan to solve the problem of eyeball explosion when you take off your space helmet . uh , you leave your helmet on . hmm , these guys seem legit . this video will explain our revolutionary vision . narrator human beings are explorers . its what we do . its who we are . but since our world holds no more secrets , we must journey to mars . government agencies like nasa say it will be decades before we set foot on the red planet . at exploration incorporated , were working hard to establish a human settlement on mars ten years from today . soon a select group of colonists will leave earth forever and become the first residents of another world . will you be one of them . exploration incorporated . never stop exploring . homer what about those mars nutjobs . who wants to take a one way trip to a barren , lifeless rock . yeah , in a couple years , well have a perfectly good barren , lifeless rock right here this guy gets it . well , this mission really gives me hope . im tired of nothing but bad news about the future . yes , but to travel to another planet , knowing you can never come back , youd have to be pretty sad . aniston sad . im not sad , im inspired . thats why i volunteered this afternoon . what .  . the mission leaves in ten years . ill be and im going to mars . no way , young lady . we cannot afford to send you to mars . its free . cheaper than college . no . no . you volunteered to go to mars and leave your family . forever . this mission could save humanity . what if i was the first person to set foot on another world . id never be able to hug my daughter again . they thought of that . they give a virtual hug machine to every family back home . that does look pretty snuggly . no . i think this could be my true purpose . just let me try out . they might not even pick me . i mean , id pick me , but absolutely not . you are grounded . you are confined to this planet . and its moon . homer uh , honey . a word before you continue parenting . what . in all my years of living with the female species , ive learned one thing . when they want to do something totally insane , your only move is to support them . oh , come on , thats ridiculous . really . have you ever done anything just because someone told you not to . you cannot marry homer simpson . i forbid it . hmm . and now you got me . oh , my gosh . we both know lisas not going to mars . its just a little girls fantasy . but if you forbid someone from doing something , theyll want to do it more . so we should just pretend were cool with our daughter abandoning us forever . exactly . its an old relationship move i call turning into the skid . if you just play along , sooner or later lisa will lose interest in her terrible idea . you havent used that trick on me , have you . no , . i learned it from observing other marriages . ones less fantastic than ours . hmm , turning into the skid . you know , i looked at a map , and mars is just one planet over . if you really want to try out for this mission , i support you . really . thanks , mom . if they choose me to be a colonist , i could make jazz the dominant music form of a whole new planet . thats exactly where jazz belongs . way to turn into the skid , baby . now watch lisa lose interest in mars , just as sure as you gave up on opening that g rated comedy club . i thought gentle jollies was a great idea . oh , not great . amazing . hmm , now that i think about it , that idea did have a lot of problems . greetings , candidates . the testing that begins today will determine which of you have the necessary skills to thrive on mars . think of how satisfying it will feel to stand in the valles marineris and thunder chug a blue bronco energy drink . im sorry , blue bronco . wait , thunder chug . blue bronco is just one of this missions many corporate partners . because this is a privately funded entrepreneurial mission , weve teamed up with some of americas most exciting brands . were talking mega charge batteries , fantasy lunatics . com , trudge rite work boots , draft pigs . and who here likes fig glutens . what . the fig seeds get caught in my adult braces . oh , i should not have given away my dog , man . oh , god . oh , god . oh , god . oh , god . oh , its hurting my oi . i cant feel my lisa principal skinner . what brings you on this mission to make mankind a two planet species . mars is the ultimate field trip . and all they sell at the gift shop is immortality . also , im drowning in debt . well , i hope to establish a planet of perfect equality ment . on mars , you are my servant . uh , well , either way is good , really . and then , finally , i got to spend some quality time with the oxygen reclaimers . you mustve felt like the belle of the ball . you said if i supported lisas crazy idea , shed lose interest . oh , marge . youll never understand the female mind . were just getting started . what more can we do . ive utilized my male mind to come up with a plan so supportive , lisa will never want to do anything again . what are you guys doing here . were trying out for mars , too . we were so inspired by you being inspired . a family unit could be perfect for this mission . nasa would never have the guts to shoot a baby into space . and your father is a former astronaut . what an honor . last time , i almost killed everybody . and what did you learn from that . lessons , i guess . lisa okay . mom , dad and bart dont want to go to mars . so this must be some sort of mind game reverse super fake . homer poor lisa . she is so faked out . lisa and all i have to do is be patient . pretty soon , theyll get sick of this and quit . homer im getting sick of this . i think ill quit soon . lisa its just a matter of time . homer i wonder which one of these two guys is the one i quit to . paul we will now test your ability to handle close confinement . for the next week , youll be living in the martian habitat simulator . ill man this station . okay , mom . since youre so excited to go to mars , youll be thrilled to start on the habs daily maintenance procedures . nutrition zone sterilization sequence . thats just kitchen cleanup . fun . no , . procedures arent fun . sure , if you call them procedures , theyre a bore , but if you think of them as chores , they can be a blast . theyre not chores . theyre science . oh , theres even directions on how to properly clean this binder . oh , no . you cannot like this more than me . dinner is served . i rehydrated it with love . and recycled toilet water . so good , marge . well , today i tested nitrogen levels in our atmosphere . they were the same as yesterday . more toilet carrots , please . homer cant sleep . my sleeping pods too small . they have an expansion mode for morbidly obese astronauts . hmm . i know were just here to fake support our daughter , but youre pretty good at this space junk . moms spend their whole lives obsessing over unlikely catastrophes . in space , thats what youre supposed to do . barry the hab study is complete . to all the male participants , your monumental incompetence has sullied and cheapened space forever . now get out . good . its a stupid idea and i hope everyone dies . homer youre letting the martians in . bart im keeping the jumpsuit . marge and lisa , congratulations . youve both passed with flying colors and will be named finalists in our astronaut search . marge , youre a revelation . most of our candidates are of the egghead loner variety . bookworms , teachers pets , friendless middle children , that sort of thing . but you display an amazing ability to perform repetitive tasks without getting bored . even our robotic arm gets a little cranky . ow . thats two , lorraine . may i talk to you in private , please . admit it the only reason youre here is to support me until i lose interest and quit . well , im not going anywhere , so you can quit . maybe i dont want to quit . do you realize what a big deal it is to be a space colonist . yes . thats why i want to do it . i think you dont like that im just as good at mars as you . maybe even better . ha . hardly . all you are is a stay at space wife . hmm . well , it looks like the ego has landed . youre the last person i would ever want to go to mars with . in ten years . thats too bad , because im going with you . in ten years . lisa on mars , that would be a door slam . sometimes i feel like lisa has no respect for me . i know , i know . im finally good at something and she has to make it into a competition . that must be really hard for you . it is . im so sorry you have to go through this . thank you . moms always trying to hold me back . i know , i know . i cant be her little girl forever . that must be really hard for you . it is . im so sorry you have to go through this . thank you . that listening to junk you taught me really works . the trick is in the nodding . dad , after seeing mom and lisa go at it , im glad our relationship is about physical abuse , not psychological . me , too , boy . aw . this press conference was originally scheduled to introduce our ten mars mission finalists . however , our rivals at space colony one , a division of pepperidge farms , just announced that their mars rocket is nearing completion . we made a solemn promise to fig glutens that they would be the first cookie on mars . therefore , we have moved up our launch date from to thursday . thursday . this thursday . are you all ready to be a part of history . i wanted to be someone whos bravely going to mars eventually . i havent used my open table dining points . im still very much an alcoholic . uh , i i guess we should leave , too . i knew it . what . this has all been an elaborate charade . you never had the guts to go to mars . oh , i have the guts . i once went to a rock concert by myself in the rain . it was loverboy . then lets go . to mars . yeah , lets go . to mars . hmph . hmph . ladies and gentlemen , mankinds first residents of mars , powered by simmer time dinner sauces . dinner time is simmer time . for sauce . theyre leaving in a week . moms my only good parent . and lisas my only good kid . why wont they admit that neither of them actually wants to go to mars . im not giving up yet . theres got to be a limit to their stubbornness , right . flight director t minus one minute to launch . homer doh . here we go . i guess . yep . were doing this , apparently . im sorry i doubted you , mom . theres no one i would rather go to mars with . i love you , sweetie . i love you , too . i dont want to go . this is the stupidest idea we ever had . abort launch . thats a negative . i think youre forgetting the motto of blue bronco lets do this thing . flight director twelve eleven homer this is not happening . do you know how to run the dishwasher . of course not . maybe we can use paper plates . where the hell do we get those . mom , no . marge , no . flight director three two one ignition . its not a real rocket . its the outside of a real rocket . we did plan to build a real rocket . and thats one thing they can never take away from us . that plan is our legacy . then why did you move up the launch if you knew it was fake . to inspire the next generation . and to provide a distraction while we drove away . then why are you still here . our car wouldnt start . mom , doesnt it frighten you that we almost went to mars out of sheer stubbornness . thats what a mother daughter relationship is , sweetie . a series of near fatal emotional standoffs . okay , but it doesnt have to be that way . surely we can learn from this . one day , well figure it out . on this planet or another . its my life . if i want to leave mars and move to venus , you cant stop me . moms always trying to hold me back . i know , i know . i cant be her little girl forever . that must be really hard for you . it is . nod bot is so sorry you have to go through this . thank you . elderman barry well , thats one for the win column . paul i cant wait to find out what were gonna do next . barry we should fix racism . paul racism is bad for business . barry and that is racisms fatal flaw . paul im thinking of an app that would use the best algorithms in the world . barry algorithms like that would be great for this idea ive been back burnering . its an ad supported restaurant . you get free food , but you have to watch ads . if you want a hamburger , you watch five ads . tater tots are , like , three ads . have you tried these things . paul ive heard about them , actually , i didnt actually barry theyre good . theyre really good . paul i love everything you just said , but what if it was a barbershop . barry might be a good idea if youre interested in changing the world . shh . springfield . what . what .  . hey . up your oh , sorry . yes , sir . who are these guys . meh . the simpsons sir , please , dont do this . oh , stop your smithering . the simpsons x the burns cage elderman that was easy . i did it . all by myself . oh , smithers , do you always have to be underfoot . sorry , sir . if there were a less spectacular way to save your life , i shouldve found it . you see this guy this guys in love with you mr . burns , coming down , i thought we werent gonna make it , and i thought id never get to say something ive always wanted to . the truth is , sir , im in love with the sound of your own voice . yes , well , no dogwood i , listening to the nightingale trill her unending tune . dont take this the wrong way , but you mean nothing to me . someone i give less thought to than the little piece of popcorn stuck in my tooth . oh , can you remove it . ill see you back at the office . dont be late . ive lived half of my life living half of a life waiting for u  cant you see the fire burning in my core . is there a half life for hope . i know the answer is , nope ive failed at my mission no fusion , just fission and now im here wishin to be decommissioned have you ever felt down . much worse than a meltdown my heart is covered in burns larry , moe and curly , get out here now . so , you like fun and games . well , games can be fun , so , uh , thats kind of redundant . would you like to rethink the question . heres a game for you  properly stack and store those rods then perform a complete turbine maintenance procedure . routine maintenance . we never do that . lots of us never get to do things . yeah , we know . we heard your song . jacqueline jones , reading for the part of ilsa . oh , i like this one . a cool girl . plus her father owns a print shop . free playbills . four color . yeah , smart . yes . i cant fight it anymore . i ran away from you once . i cant do it again . strange choices . maybe that scrunchies too tight . well , you can teach acting . you cant teach popular . weve got our ilsa . are you sure . even by school play standards , shes terrible . skinner , im setting down my clipboard to signify that all future auditions are just a formality . lisa simpson , reading for the part of ilsa . the egghead . pass . hard pass . can i tell you a story . its about a girl who came to paris and met a man , a very great and courageous man . shes good . yes , better than little miss print shop and there you are . guess what , youve just been promoted a grade . everything she knew or ever became was because of him , and she looked up to him and worshipped him with a feeling she supposed was love . thats it . ill audition for rick . co stars are always falling in love brad and angelina , kermit and miss piggy , mrs . brady and greg . the role of ilsa goes to lisa . yes . the role i was anagrammed to play . and since only one child auditioned for the lead role i am proud to announce rick will be played by im looking for a down on heel named skinner . who are you . names jack deforest , and of all the schools in all the districts , i had to get transferred to this one . youve got the part . well , that fills out the cast . milhouse , youre the understudy . understudy . both those words are horrible . hey guys , my , uh , heads a little wet from the decontamination shower . thanks . de nada . lets see how that things working . not again . bring it back , get it working , screw it on tight . both screws . smithers yes . hes chewing our ass cause hes unhappy . what are we gonna do here . i know the answer . we have got to get that guy a woman . a woman who can find him a man . okay , guys , to get smithers off our backs , im gonna find him a boyfriend on this . homer , im a long haul trucker , whos home straight and highway gay, , but , uh , how do you know about grinder . my wife put me on to it . i was looking for an app for pepper grinders , and i found this . uh , doesnt smithers dig burns . yeah , but burns doesnt want smithers . isnt it sad , marge , when somebody really , wants somebody , and theyre sitting across the bar from you married to homer . moe , this is why i dont come here much . oh , yeah , youre right , marge . hey , uh , im sorry . moe oh , yeah . can we just find a boyfriend for smithers . finally , a use for the internet . hmm , no . no . too smoldering . too lumberjack . too look how fun i am . george takei . click me and we will boldly go to yogurtland , but be warned i dont care for people who cling on . hey , why am i on this . well , only one way to find out . swipe . maybe we should just invite them all to a party and see who mr . smithers likes . good idea . did somebody here swipe me . heres five bucks . visit my dad . say youre me . finally , im paid to act . tell you what , if you buy a half page ad in the program , sam plays as time goes by with hulk hands . you have a deal . im glad someones getting something from this play . as an understudy , all i get is to watch lisa and jack fall in love . oh , youre still here . look , milhouse , if anything happens to that kid playing rick you get the part . if you catch my drift . you know i cant catch . dont judge me . jack , youre amazing . youre blowing away everyone else in the play . you despise me , dont you . if i gave you any thought , i probably would . ill be in my trailer . this isnt fiji water . yo , dingus , someone doesnt want you in that play . who let you three gorillas out of the zoo . gorillas . its not funny . howd you get the bullies to take out jack . the most powerful bribe in the world a free full page ad in the play program . its a funny thing about fists , everyone gets them , but not everyone gets the instruction manual . oh , no , his mouth wrote checks his fists could cash . someone is using the go round for non merry purposes . attention in casablanca , the part of rick blaine will now be played by milhouse . also , the cafeteria is out of buns , so for hamburgers we will now be using two slices of day old toast . that is all . where youre going , i cant line . follow . sounds weird to me . i cant follow . i cant follow . also , why would nazis respect letters of transit signed by de gaulle . i may be pulling on a thread , but hear me out everything looks great , marge . that cheese is cubed perfectly . thank you . i get queasy when i see cubes that are cut on the bias . oh , mr . smithers . come in , come in , come in . can i get you a tom collins . hello , tom collins . hmm , i see whats going on here . fix up your boss so he wont be so hard on you . well , nice try . i want a vodka tonic , and then im gonna leave . mr . collins , would you be charmed by horror stories of working with bill shatner . uh , who . i like you already . you know what . i dont think that attitude is the real you . i believe you have a pinched nerve in your neck , and guess what . youre in luck , because i give great massage . sorry , not interested . wow , . how did you do that . would you like to discuss that over peruvian tapas . simpson , im stealing your bartender . take the next couple days off . woo hoo . three day bender . are there any gay themed songs about celebrating . celebrate good times , come on lets celebrate did you used to jog with monty . mm , sort of . come on , lets celebrate theres a party going on right here a celebration to last throughout the years smithers , where have you been . im dictating my autobiography . chapter one a commotion at the telegraph office . im afraid i have other plans . there are no other plans . now take my picture for the back cover . no , sir , i dont think i will . in fact , what im going to do is quit . my god , i did it . i actually quit . no one quits me . one more button . youre forgetting who installed this system . ahoy hoy . so , you want time off for your sisters funeral . miss naegle , release the hounds . wh what do you mean . send vicious dogs to rip him to shreds . but wouldnt i be criminally liable . i said release . release , . that sounds vaguely sexual . im gonna have to file a grievance . also , lets just see how youve been treating those hounds . what the okay , were gonna have to shut this all down . you know , he doesnt give me health insurance and i , uh , i think i have rabies . okay , thats it , mr . burns . im gonna need to speak to your head of human resources . its this guy . um what are you doing . oh , sorry . i used to do that for mr . burns . ah , forget about burns . ancient a history . i left a the italy years ago , but do you see me a crying in my pappardelle rustiche con salsiccia e porri . waylon , just what did you see in him . now to set her down gently on the golf course . youre right , totally . im here for you . listen , im making a trip to cuba , okay . my homeland , where my accent is not so reedickoloss . come with me to havana . smithers w wait a minute . im not sure . but this is the route were gonna take . oh , what the hell , this is gonna be the time of my life . im in . milhouse is the worst actor ive ever seen , and i have to play opposite him . hes so bad . look at his headshot . whenever im dealing with someone who isnt doing a great job , what i do is treat them like theyre perfect . really . if they sense you believe in them , theyll get better . did our taxes , marge . the government owes us million . that is really , great , but maybe you should check again . what . oh , i my mistake . we owe them . thats some nice adding . yeah . ive done it . im happy . im in a new world and completely forgotten about what , the buzzard of death . it reminds you of him . im sorry , sir . you address me like i am him . everything reminds you of him . i bet that mural of him being driven out of cuba in reminds you of him . waylon , i am a man who needs commitment , okay . okay , well , maybe not but at least , like , you know , which is the percentage that your cell phone needs to stay in the green . so tell me now , waylon . am i in the green . im afraid not . beneath this mask i am crying . everyone whos replaced smithers has been nothing but trouble . youre my lawyers , tell me what to do . sir , i think your only option is to get mr . smithers back . youll have to give him money . lots of money , but it wont be enough . yes , i suppose what this calls for is a personal apology straight from my heart . have it on my desk first thing tomorrow and write yourselves apologies from me to you for making you work late , and theyd better sound sincere . youre going to be great . i already am because you just told me so . oh . thank you . so , what brought you to casablanca . i came here for the waters . there are no waters in casablanca . i was misinformed . is it just me or is milhouse really killing it . hes like a young noah wylie . if that plane leaves the ground and youre not with him , youll regret it . maybe not today , maybe not tomorrow , but soon and for the rest of your life . you did it , marge . this earns my highest praise get through able . milhouse , you were incredible . maybe thats because im not milhouse . oh , but , is milhouse okay . is milhouse ever okay . good point . now lets go to the soda fountain and ask the jerk for a float with two straws . what year are you from . oh , who cares . mr . burns , mr . smithers , i make a something very special for your reunion . one cheese pizza . well , smithers , i got here as soon as i heard you wanted to meet . took something called uber , which i thought would be a wehrmacht staff car , but turned out to be a prius , driven by a woman . now , down to business . its all here . everything itll take to get him back . oh , no , forgot the starbucks card . is it too late to sir , before you start , let me say i dont want money , and i dont want some letter written by your lawyers . i want to know why you want me back . i see . well , the thing is , you really care about me , dont you . maybe a little , still . all right , smithers . theres one thing ive never given you . i kept it bottled up inside all these years and here it is your performance review . its excellent . amazingly , thats enough . thank you , sir . you must remember this a kiss is just a kiss no music . i heard you serve . thats referring to the age of the pickled eggs , but , uh , ill get you a milk . mr . smithers , why do guys do such stupid things when it comes to dames . hey , you been talking to that weird bogart kid . he came around here trying to talk me into an expedition to find some gold . yeah , so im getting the mules . let me tell you about dames , milhouse . i know nothing about them , but as for love , what keeps you going is the thrill of the chase . the possibility that one day you might get what you want , even though the reality is you probably never will . thats why i dont chase dames . just gold . ill be back in six months with one third of the biggest treasure you ever saw . elderman shh . springfield . yech . bart yes . oh , china , is there nothing that cant be made in you . hmm . ah , my first sucker . oh , a dollar . now i can have lunch . hmm . its a trick . i never needed these . oh , lookie here , its the ol fishing line on a dollar bill prank . man , even a backwoods , no account , inbred , lead paint , kerosene huffing, , roadkill chomping, , um , what was my point . that is a practical joke , luann . which is too bad , because i desperately need that dollar . i could also use the fishing line to get some dinner . bart , if milhouse is hiding with you , tell him he has to shop for school clothes . yay . school clothes . this isnt right , no ones falling for my pranks . huh . at least it wasnt a total waste . i found a quarter . well , we sure got him good . duh , what a moron , duh . i sure wish archie was alive to see it . duh announcer its thursday night , and that can only mean , counter intuitively, , football . british announcer from londons wembley stadium , the jacksonville jag u and tampa bay bucs vie for florida bragging rights . asterisk does not include miami . when youre not happy watching your downton abbey you can always see oh . football not british football but american football which has higher scores touchdown . if these u . k . clichs are any indication , we are in for one gobsmacking match . to see or not to see . that is no question . dad , im worried . no one is falling for my pranks anymore . son , i know this seems like the biggest disappointment of your life , but trust me , there are going to be so many more . what youve got to remember is  oh , my god , men in the field . review it , review it , review it . yes . play stands . marge here comes the airplane . zhoop . thanks to your late football watching, , you missed breakfast . eh , dont worry , marge , ill make my own . meh . mom , ive been working on a new solo jazz piece . can i hear it . oh , id love to stay and listen , but im late for work . heres another super fan to hear you lay down your licks . brava . i knew youd like it . hey , i am too young to be over the hill . lucky for me , theres a ralph born every minute . hey , ralph , how about a napkin . do i look stupid . mmm . wall licorice . aah . marge , nothing says im sorry better than flowers . except for fundamental behavioral change , but you cant buy that at the supermarket . they do smell nice . hey , dad , want to hear my solo . i added a few variations today . of course i would . okay . aw , my reed is split . ill be right back . ive already heard lisas song once . ive had a long day , and to be completely honest , i really cant stand jazz . what about when lisa plays it . all the same . ugh . marge sounds great , honey . so , you really dont like jazz . i never realized we have so much in common . and scat singing . she bee dee do i give a darn . so , all these years , youve been lying to me . be beep . so , lets get it all out here . mom , you were only pretending to like it this morning when i played my funny valentine . that was my funny valentine . hoo boy . wouldnt expect you to get it . so busy juggling three children , you dont even notice when one is hanging by a thread , a thread you just cut forever . lisa , this a family . you do not take that tone with another family member . you tell em , butterbean . shut up , idiot . lisa , honey , youre hurt , but hurting me back is not going to feel as good as you think . just know that i am very , sorry . hmm . hmph . mm hmm mm . hm . good night , marjorie . marge marjorie . she called me mar jo . so . bart calls me homer . you know thats out of disrespect . dis respect . is that a word . yes . and theres this guy at work that calls me hoss . whats that all about . this is awful . lisa and i have always been so close . now , for your first day at school , you get what my mother gave me . pearls . just like mommys . dad , is there anything you pass along . predilection for kidney stones . what if lisa doesnt want to be friends with me anymore . marge , its not your job to be friends with your kids , its my job . good night , sweetie . oh , uh , bart and i are gonna see an r rated movie saturday . it has boobs , but theyre elf boobs . is that cool . hmm . i guess . so long , whoopee cushion . ah , good old peanut brittle . what the . a coiled wire spring covered by a snake patterned vinyl sheath . lisa , our weekend in capital city will make us friends again . i dont see your saxophone . that must be a relief to you . honey , i want you to bring it . sure , should i grab some kenny g cds too . some chuck mangione . that would be lovely . oh , i i get it , theyre popular , so you dont like them . just please get your sax . airport shuttle . yes , im going on a trip with a special little girl . that baby is adorable . oh , its not the baby . great , now ive got both daughters mad at me . may i say that you sound like a terrible mother . but no one ever cares what the shuttle bus driver thinks . take me to terminal four , they say . actually , were at terminal three . arguing with everyone today , arent you . okay , well see you on monday , homer . im feeling really sad too , dad . nothing cheers people up like a baby . hey . boy , we each have to do our part , and im gonna make dinner . and im gonna start with ice cream . come back . dont make me jog . why is your father chasing after the spay and neuter van . you got me . what do i do with you . hey , this is fun . wow . wow . i like having a sister . helps that you dont say anything . i wonder how you are at pranks . both were not worthy . were not worthy . im back . dont drop that angel . hi , folks , and welcome to the capital city dream tour . if youre here for the capital city crime tour , that leaves in minutes . lets wave to that to that ordinary hot dog vendor . wow , hes anything but ordinary . you know , i wouldnt be surprised if he turned up one of capital citys broadway caliber shows . theres got to be something here thatll calm down little yellow pill . here comes paul to guard the mall but when will he fall in love . hey , g . i . jane lets make it plain how do you train for love . men in black well state a fact the thing that you lack is love . i always like when a black guy teams up with a white guy . it gives us hope . thats the show for lisa . shell love it . the bad news bears . is there nothing so beautiful that they wont keep exploiting till its worthless . well , theyre expensive , which means if i die , youre still taking me . also , i bought you a little present from a street vendor . theyre earrings . hes a cool cucumber , huh . mom , im really not into jewelry right now . youre not wearing your pearls . um , the clasp wasnt working . i can fix it . there are some things that cant be fixed . what are you saying . you really dont understand how much this has hurt me . jazz is my thing , and you said you loved my thing , but you lied . youll have a daughter someday , too . and when she yells at you like that shell be right . lisa oh , who can sit with their back turned as their mother is crying . a jazz musician , thats who . well , you guys understand . dont look at me , im a pity present . im just glad im not in a salad . oh grand papa , es muy glamouroso . solo lo mejor para my princesa . why didnt i get in the quinceaera game years ago . uh , excuse me , sir , i have three sisters turning . oh boy . can you hold baby maggie here , while i check out las tiaras para la quinceaera . oh , a cute little rugrat like that . you betcha . hey , look at ol gil holding a baby . im not even dropping it . oh . why did i say that . now its all i can think about . oh , every time i get a great job , i drop a baby . marge if i can just get her to share an armrest , that would be a start . hmm a ragtag bunch of misfits and a no goodnik rub a how can i make them winners in baseball and at love . hm . corey leak is a hip shakin, , rule breakin bad boy im a bad boy . but ive got a crush on amanda , so i will mend my roughish way s ah . oh . kids here comes the tying run . tie , corey , tie . youre out . to you , im out but to me , im home cast time for the show stopper yeah . the big cork popper lisa , youre gonna have to admit it , your mom has the bad taste of well , a mom . im gonna have to mother myself . you quit complaining , and pretend you like it . i knew shed come around . whats all this nonsense . quit clapping , ive got a hangover . well win the game of love . exit to your left . thats too tight , bill . wonderful . did it do it for you too . not yet . stand back . i said stand back . who are you . oh , you were our star tonight . thats a performance ill never forget . so what are you sophisticated ladies up to next . well , i thought we might have an after show nosh at the penny loafer . invitation noted and accepted . well , good , because getting a table for three is so much easier . hey . youre not nathan lane . here he comes . aw , dont worry , bart jr . daddy will get that for you . why you little dad , no . youre gonna strangle a baby . oh my god . that wouldve been horrible . why you little turning a sweet little baby into a you . bart , youre a great kid , but if i had another one like you , id hang myself from a highway overpass . please , give your sister the precious gift of not being you . okay , dad . mags , it was fun while it lasted . huh . ha . i didnt know it was that easy . stop that . sideshow bob . so , lisa , think well see any stars . mom , its a tourist trap . celebrities dont actually come in here . until today , right . well , you never know . ill ask the hostess if anyones expected . aw , she keeps doing this . im sorry , what . every time she tries to fix things between us , it just emphasizes how different we are . for what its worth , my mom loved your show tonight . she pretty much sees the best in everything . amazing , really , considering she has a husband who randomly shows up to work , a son who , god bless him , is probably heading for the chair . and an ungrateful little girl who ignores her mothers frantic attempts at reconciliation , and tells family secrets to a total stranger . a total stranger the new york times calls a charming presence . you dont know me at all . but hardly anybody likes jazz . why should i expect my mom to . thats right , you have to see the other side . the one that always makes you wrong . mom . mom , i cant stay mad at you . im putting my pearls back on . oh , thank you , sweetie . and i apologize for expressing my sincere feelings . why dont you show us what you got , lisa . thats right , i learned your name . its not all about me , andrew rannells . bucks for ten minutes with the sax . hey , that little turd can play . im just getting warmed up . dont tell me not live just sit and putter lifes candy and the suns a ball of butter dont bring around a cloud both to rain on my parade my parade . sorry . dont tell me not to fly i simply got to if someone takes a spill , its me , and not you who told you youre allowed to rain on my parade get ready for me , love cause im a comer i simply got to march my hearts a drummer nobody , no nobody is gonna rain on my parade well , what do you think . my golden girl . straight ahead is the th street liquor store , the epicenter of the riots , which never fully stopped . ahead is the high rise where state senator wilcox was shot in mid air, , as he plummeted to his death . best trip of my life . elderman shh . springfield . the simpsons x fland canyon elderman morning . doh . homer go to sleep little marge close your eyes start to yawn you will wake up with the dawn . dawn dawn large fries . yes , sir . dawn marge did you get the baby to sleep . doh . oh , no . oh , i cant read that again . i hate to see a wolf get punished for having normal appetites . ill tell you a story thatll put you to sleep . its one your mother told me . luann van houten uses flavored crisco instead of butter for shortbread cookies . which is , apparently , flakier , but at what cost . and she homer wh . huh . what the . okay , sweetie , i got a story about another little girl who got lost in the woods , but it wasnt a girl , and it wasnt the woods . suck , indeed . and it all happened once upon a time , before you were born , and my chances for a man cave went out the window . bless you all for sacrificing your saturday afternoon to help us clean up skid row . when god came for sunday , i said nothing . now he comes for saturday . homer simpson , its one thing to moan and groan on the bus , but in front of these unfortunates , well , that just curls my stache . hey , flanders , why dont you take some advice from your bible and zip it . oh , where does the bible say zip it . its the first thing the burning bush said to moses . thank you for teaching us scripture . thank you . you know , all this helping others is giving me the most satisfying feeling ever . so satisfying . uh , lenny oh , huh . i get why they do it . totally get it . hey , carl , you want to buy all my stuff for five dollars . well , thank you all for spending the day thinking of others instead of yourselves . saturday . it was a saturday . now , a reward to the most selfless cleaner a family vacation to the grand canyon . the winner ned flanders . surprise , . the guy that did the best job wins . ned mm hmm . but this gift certificate is for two families . hey , reverend , wed love it if you and helen would join us . um uh mm of course wed love to join you , but ive noticed that you and homer havent been the friendliest neighboreenos , if you get my diddly . uh , well , ned , i think the lord would want you to take the simpsons on this trip . our lord . yes . our lord . for would it not indeed be glorious , if in visiting a natural chasm , two quarrelsome neighbors would bridge the chasm of their own discord . well , i guess if job could accept his burdens . uh , in america , its pronounced job , flanders . we can settle it when were zipped up together in a sleeping bag . welcome aboard . oh , wed love to go , but is it such a good idea to travel with another family . its fun . we travel with the hibberts all the time . we ran into you once , in cincinnati . and we had dinner . we slid our tables together . we were in a booth we could not get out of . homie , we should go . you and ned need to learn to get along . you said the same thing about me and bart . no . the judge said the same thing about you and bart . judges . if they were any good theyd be lawyers . okay , well go . but if flanders gets so annoying that i cant take it anymore , the code word is octopus . can it be something else . i dont like things with hidden beaks . octopus or nothing . okay . so we took eight year bart , and six year lisa . after ten hours of driving , i finally saw the most glorious site . ah ah , oh yeah . ah yeah . ah . marge oh . its like disneyland for thin people . did you know that the grand canyon was created by erosion . and before it was called big canyon . okay , thats it . were on vacation . why , you little whoa . keep em coming , boy . oh , . that one stung me . ow . thats enough . homer and bart aw . were here to enjoy ourselves . if you just turn your head slightly , i think youll be pleasantly surprised . no time . homer . homer wow . wow . and they say were running out of room for our garbage . ned go tell it on the mountain over the hills and everywhere go tell it on the mountain that jesus christ is born go tell it on the mountain octopus . octopus . oct ar . a vacation with flanders . thats like telling you a bedtime story without a beer . now , where were we . thank you , maam . eh . thank you . eh . mm hmm . am i such a terrible mother that my son doesnt even know to say thank you to a waitress . come on , honey . what do you say . you want me to lie and say im thankful for chicken and veg when i wanted whiskey  battered bourbon bangers . just say thank you . my boy never said thank you . now hes on death row . was on death row . daddy , when will the noise stop . hmm . take these . ugh . those were earplugs . wow , i never thought thered be something id want to stare at longer than that car wreck on the way here . weve got to hurry before they run out of mules . oh . is that what theyre serving for breakfast . homer how about donkeys . marge no . huh . thats odd . enjoying your moon view , homer . why you little two can play at that game . stupid kid . so embarrassing . im a little nervous with all these waivers we have to sign . marge , this is a national park . people are completely safe here . now lets do my favorite thing go downhill . whoa . youre . my blood pressure is . okay . uh , lets get you a mule , dude . oh get me el gordo . gordo here used to carry granite blocks up from the canyon . this has got to be the most beautiful thing weve ever stole from the indians . what is that . a billionaires retreat . yeah , the heads of americas most powerful media companies have come to enjoy nature . driver put up the cell phone tower . i said i wanted a tom cruise type , not tom cruise . burn down the cell phone tower . i cant stand rich people . can i name my mule . we prefer you dont . is there a name for this trail . im sure there is . is this a fun job . not at the moment . do you count as a grownup . my parents dont think so . youre a grownup to me . thanks . here , have a piece of the canyon . are you sure its okay . hey , it only makes the canyon grander . both aah . aah . aah . i dont know where your son gets it , marge . im only going to say this once , but i think youre a little checked out . checked out . checked out . checked out . checked out . checked out . checked out . checked out . checked out . well , your kids arent exactly perfect . yay . we can improve . lets think about it quietly . boy , i bet that mustache smells really bad , huh . oh , dont you rip on my lip strip . i smell candles and and pew polish . were near a church . catholic , if i dont miss my guess . hmm . a little popish for my taste , but i did come here for adventure . geez , flanders , you find god in everything . god is in everything . hes omnipresent . you mean , if i check into the omni hotel right now , hes there . as a matter of fact , he is . then , from now on , were staying at the hyatt regency . youre banned there , dad . not as hagwar swanson . i love this country . are you sure this is safe . totally . youre with state farm , right . wheres our guide . wheres the trail . aw . big maggie . id like to hear the rest . i still have my piece of the canyon . ugh . okay . it was looking rough oh , no bars . you mean , on your phone . hey , youre right . oh , more bad news . oh , most of the food was on the guides mule . i sure am glad somebody packed all this whitefish salad . im willing to eat some . and if i die , you know its bad . homer , its time for you and me to go out and get help . please be careful , uncle ned . i will , bart . please , be careful . dont worry . if you dont come back , ill be so sad . excuse me . what about over here . right . please , be careful . please . lets go , flanders . oh , no . the poor thing gets night terrors . i forgot to say god bless the mailman . hes not awake , but hes not asleep . do your kids get these . i will now that i know what they are . other kids say im in their nightmares . im not your puppet , bart . im not . you ever seen stars this bright , homer . blessed is the beauty of our lord . amen . listen , flanders . this trip has given me time to think . if i die here , youre welcome to live in my carcass for warmth . im not living in your carcass . oh , come on . you make it sound like a bad thing . look , were saved . we just go down there , get some food and help returning to civilization . guard attention , people talking . unless you are here to dispose of our poop , we will start shooting in five minutes . how is that even camping . its easier for a camel to pass through the eye of a needle than a rich man to get into heaven . sometimes i just dont get it . what im saying is , the eye of the needle is very small , and a camel no . i mean down there  they have everything we need to survive , but they wont share . maybe if i look through these binoculars one more time , ill ill see something better . weve got to go in and steal what we need . well , thou shalt not steal . but if i dont steal , thats coveting . thats bad , too . look , flanders , we tried things your way , and it failed . now lets try mine . okay . w wait . we never did things my way . too late . im already rolling downhill . ow , sharp rock . oh , cactus . more scorpions . is that all you can do . sting . now theyre pinching . easy , flanders , dont make a sound . okay , here . come on , take this . oh , i got it . oh , its heavy . ready to go . uh , were too heavy . toss off what we dont need . fine . we can do without salad forks . whoo hoo . no sugar tonight for the coffee no sugar tonight for their tea we took all their fancy cheeses and their tasty charcuterie trout solo . ba da da da ba da . grand canyon . yeah . you know , homer , we make a good team . homer . homer breakfast time . come and get it . come and get it . come and ugh . not again . tablecloths . caviar . bacon . bacon . no , this was before lisa was a vegetarian . thats right . i had the arteries of a . im gonna miss you , pal . well , homer , you think this will be one of those vacations where the friendship we made will last forever or start eroding the minute we enter our cars . flanders , like all friendships between men , in the end its up to our wives . mm hmm . ned that was a nice story , homer . you know , sometimes i wish this grand canyon between us , uh , wasnt so large . the offer still stands . you can live in my carcass . theres room in my legs for the boys . maybe we could just store old clothes in you . id like that . and you know what , flanders . i think we owe you guys a trip . always wanted to visit the postcard museum . thank you . my pleasure . i wonder if they sell postcards in the gift shop . we dont . elderman shh . springfield . uh oh . the simpsons x to courier with love elderman doh . hey . how ya doin there . ah . ook . ow . i brought fried chicken . biscuit . first dibs . homer , you have to do more . ook .  . im getting tired of your ooks . i cant do this alone . wheres your chore list . oh , im taking care of that . its laminated . and to make sure i do it hmm . ive never seen this . it mustve been left by some previous owner . holy moly . a valuable antique car . this is the find of a lifetime . oh , its a stick . dad , shouldnt we see who owns the car . now , sweetie , according to the ancient law of trover , abandoned property passes to the subsequent landowner . man , ever since you watched medieval tomb robbers on the history channel , everything with you is trover , . boy , either show me a writ of replevin or pipe down . chubby dude in a tiny car making friends both near and far in this little town hes a shooting star thats a chubby dude in a tiny car from shelbyville to zanzibar it doesnt matter where you are theres not a thing that can com par to a chubby dude in a tiny car . aw , the needles on e . uh , i got something that works as gasoline . daddys home . daddys home . hello , children . for you , daughter , a little ragdoll . for you , son , a florida orange . you know , theres something truly amazing about you , dad . everythings an adventure . you go to clean the garage and you find a classic car . yes , fortune favors the bald . now for the best part sharing my great day with your mom . well , if it isnt my favorite gal in my favorite room . im glad you had a good day . you dont sound glad . im not glad . but you said you were glad . you need to read between the lines . why . theres just white space there . im sorry , homie . your life is full of fun surprises . my life sucks . homer uh oh . tissues . oh well , would it help if i rubbed your back . huh . eh . uh . your hands smell like steering wheel . hmm . poor marge . what do i do . help me , universe . jay leno . hiya . i was just passing in my citroen ds pallas when i saw that classic morgan with the original wood dash interior . man , i id like to buy it . youll have to pay cash with no questions asked . how much you want . i said no questions . dont worry , this car is a piece of art , going where it will be admired . to my secret underground car depository . its time for me to do what i do best prolong this marriage . you wanted a good surprise , marge . youve got it . we are going on the trip of our lives . really . where . ill be right back . let your imagination run wild . hey , homer . and you are . jay leno . hey , do you still have that money i gave you for the car . sure do . well , uh , im gonna need it back . but i just promised my wife homer , ive collected hundreds of antique cars on the theory that they dont make em like they used to . well , i just bought this new toyota . turns out its much better . i can go to the store and make it all the way back , it doesnt break down once . imagine that . geez . yeah . heres your money back . can i have my car . unfortunately , when i went to register it , wasnt your car . so the the police took it . chubby cop in a tiny car going to the nearest cop bar well , see ya . unbelievable . it opens from here . the age we live in . ive decided where i want to go . um , oh , the trolley at the mall . no , paris . the most romantic city in the world . paris . what am i gonna do . a travel agent . oh , thank god youre not obsolete yet . and a good morning to you , sir . heres the problem . ive disappointed my wife so many times , i cant do it once more . i see . so i have to take her and our three kids to paris . but heres the challenge i have no money . uh , let me see what i can do . anything coming up . no , its not plugged in . the noise helps me think . all right . there is a way but it is a tad risky . would you consider being a casual courier . you mean not like the fancy guys that ride the bicycles let me explain . the mob  i mean , the courier company  will pay airfare and hotel , and all you have to do is deliver a package . but you cannot look inside the package . sure . for marge , i will make the supreme sacrifice of not doing something . thats the package . what package . the package youre delivering . oh . and the clients have asked me once more to remind you not to look inside . hey , buddy , i didnt start doing this yesterday . i started doing it right now . uh the package . hmm . paris . i cant believe it . homer simpson , just when i think you have nothing left to offer , you whisk me to the birthplace of existentialism . now , if youll excuse me , its an flight and i have to visit the louvre . man cant see the movie now . homer everythings great . absolutely great . yet , theres something in that briefcase and it could get us in trouble . my minds running wild . and youre not supposed to run on an airplane . oh , thats it , i have to open the briefcase . oh , what a cute , blue sna homer okay , first thing , ive gotta figure out if it can breathe in there . doh . hmm . better try the other eye . doh . okay , maybe the first eye again . what the . i found it . its an amazon blue constrictor . oh , its a very rare and endangered species . oh , the trip of a lifetime . i cant break her heart . well , you cant let anything bad happen to that snake . i promise . and you have to promise to preserve another endangered species my marriage . i promise . oh , for the first time , a snake has ruined paradise . ill get the luggage . marge , you and the kids grab a cab . a parisian cab . taxi . taxi . taxi . are you casual courier homer simpson . i am . here is your money . finally . ive been here for two minutes . listen , whats gonna happen to , uh , the package . oh , it will have a fine home . a wonderful home . as the belt around the waist of a well dressed woman . i am not gonna let you hurt that snake . you have to say lisa , catch before you throw it . come on . where did they go . maybe we shouldnt have stopped for that seven course meal . oh , maybe we should just have six , like peasants . so , back home we call this the tire fire . man , look at those gargoyles . thats from back when religions still knew how to scare the crap out of you . homie , i have to ask . why are you carrying that briefcase . i just brought a little work . you dont even bring your work to work . im sorry . i just want this family to have one trip thats great . not like australia or brazil , japan , london , china , that worlds fair bart drove to , that place with the underground jockeys so , dad , what are you gonna do with the snake . itchy and scratchy land , outer space lisa , ive come to understand a snakes natural habitat is not a briefcase . so im going to set him free . oh , may i suggest the gardens of the louvre . theyre filled with delicious rats . its a shame lisa and your father had that errand and couldnt join us . but on the upside more pt please . vraiment . you want more pt . yes , before my cruelty  free daughter shows up . perhaps madam would like to order from our extra cruelty menu . we have a coq au vin made from an old rooster who was kicked to death in front of his wife and children . very nice . on second thought , ill just have a salad . ah , trs bien . gilles , gouge the eyes out of some new potatoes . ugh , i cant stand to look at this anymore . bart , can you ditch this in the alley for me . hmm . starving models . well , bart simpson never met a beautiful woman he couldnt prank . dad , i love being on a caper in france with you . well , this is gonna be a snap . all we need is to get our tickets from this automatic french ticket dispenser . shut up . shut up . shut up . female voice votre billet . dad , you just bought a ticket to argenteuil . prochain client , sil vous plat . stop speaking french , damn you . male voice die maschine nicht zu schlagen . yes , sir . here , skinny , . here , skinny , . bart ive never been happier . okay , youre free . now , remember to respect this ecosystem . come on , go . youll be a snake that lives in paris . its a childrens book that writes itself . ugolin not so fast . how did you find us . all tourists come to the louvre . hey , its got great paintings . oh , yeah . name two . uh dont patronize us . you make belts from snakes . we treat our high fashion animals in the most humane manner . youre monsters . true , but that is just a part of who we are . we are also poets . communists . experts on mustard . theyre gone . if we want to be criminals , we should keep a better eye on people . its really not that hard . do not worry . there is one surefire way to find the americans . marco . homer polo . i say , marco . homer polo . lisa dad , control yourself . homer i got it . marco . homer polo . oh , he tricked me . marco . marco . marco . marco . polo . now what are we gonna do with the snake . well just have to keep him with us . what is it , lisa . do you see a burger king . were at rue des lombards , home of the three most famous jazz clubs in paris . what do you think , dad . just pull the rope , please . how old are you . eight . trs bien . we need a doctor . and someone who can play saxophone . oh , which is which .  . ill show you . lisa ive never been happier . plastered in paris . theres no better feeling . marge , theres something i need to tell you . that briefcase . i knew it was trouble . yes , this is my battle of essling . unless napoleon had a more famous defeat im not aware of . ive been smuggling this snake this whole trip . but it was the only way i could pay for it , and you wanted to go so badly . and besides , those french crooks couldnt catch anybody . there they are . no , bridge . well have to board a bateau mouche . a little champagne , some dancing , and then theyre gone again . this joie de vivre is killing us . homer man , i never thought id be so glad to get back to our own arrondissement . oh la . you have despoiled our supermodels , let an american perform with a french combo , and stolen these poor gentlemens snake . well , i guess this is the point that comes in every vacation where i say run . run . okay , dont run . better cuff this one . no snake . whats on the desk . just a few dozen urgent messages from someone called grampa . this one says the cat is eating his toast . i have no time for cats and toast . search the room . we have searched their room from armoire to bidet . eh , no snake . maybe we were wrong about you . lets see if the police dogs can do anything . i keep telling you theyre worthless . but theyre so damn cute . all right , simpsons , i apologize . as for you , set the dogs on them . prepare to have your ankles nipped . i just want to say that before we came , our family was falling apart like your european union . but just a few days in your wonderful country , and now were better than ever . all is forgiven , my friends . enjoy la douce france . and now something we should have done the moment we met you . come on , you guys kiss like grandmas . get in there . i dont know how we did it , but we finally lucked into a great vacation . in paris , a lady makes her own luck . now my favorite part of each trip . the gifts i brought back for my friends . for carl , a french coca cola . ah , trs chic . for lenny , a miniature empire state building . we had a layover in new york . wow . and for moe , a belt made out of a blue snake . artificial , i think . thank you . ook . elderman shh . springfield . of course im gonna get him a present . im at the at the toy store right now . lets see , present for ralph , present for ralph oh , what do we have here . boy , ralph would kill himself with this in two seconds . and somehow itd be my fault . mm . this money has been sitting here since not doing anybody any good . i want to get ralphie something nice . yeah , a few thousand should do . hm mm . uh , you heard me whistling there , right . that indicates innocence . uh , proclaiming your innocence indicates guilt . uh , yeah . well , what does this mean . skiddily bop and bah . okay , so , at a ralph party , always get to the cake before too late . homer thats the best damn treehouse ive ever seen . fine . ill rub my eyes the other way . doh . whee . whee . whoa . the september issue . whoo . free wood . oh my treehouse sucks . haw haw . you have class envy . nelson , honey , i told you to stop sayin haw haw . give me a dollar and ill stop . i dont got a dollar . haw haw . do you want to practice your speech on me . no need , honey . same speech i give every year . the opening joke about lennys grandma always kills . you cant joke about her  they just put her on life support . what .  . no . shes the linchpin . its okay , its okay . everyone is terrified of public speaking . but just in case , ill defrost a failure ham . you dont have faith in me . i have savers . if i get heckled , ill say , get a half life . im sure thatll be funny to them . mm . calm down , homer . just leave your body . oh , no . what the hell is this .  . oh , throwing away your no girls sign . is it time for you to have the talk with your dad . because hes gonna have to read a few things first . no . im tearing it down . ralph has a cool treehouse , and mine sucks . well , bart , your father built it , and he did the very best he could . i did my job . now its your turn , tree . get growing . ill tell you what , why dont i spruce it up for you . huh . but youre an inside grown up . moms cant build treehouses . you realize that saying that is gonna make this mom work her keister off to make you the best darn treehouse you ever saw . sounds good . dont worry . you forget , most of thats hair . burns so i said , get a half life . funny and handsome . and i hear hes loaded . yes . now , to end this perfect day on the perfect note , mr . homer simpson . youre gonna do great , homer . youre gonna kill . youre gonna  oh , where did all these people come from .  . aah . uh , websters dictionary defines a speech as a series of words that elo quently ive never seen anyone bomb like that . yeah . i really feel badly for the guy . boo . boo . im a failure . shall i release the hounds , sir . mm , the therapy hounds . oh , i feel a little better . now release the real hounds . its a pretty good seminar this year . dad , whats wrong . did your speech go badly . how do you know somethings wrong . youre drinking from a can of corn . hmm . eh . aw , dad , do you know barbra streisand once forgot the words to a song and didnt perform in public again for nearly three decades . yeah , but she still had james brolin to cuddle . so , on a scale of ten to ten , howd you do . um drip drop , you flop drip drop , you flop drip drop , you flop drip drop , you flop fail , drip drop , you flop fail , what the hell is your problem , idiot . i dont know . i dont know . i know what will cheer you up . well go to the comedy club downtown . downtown . with all those desperate addicts . oh , the city cleaned them up and made them comics . cool . homie , youre gonna chuckle your blues away . this is the best kind of comedy . no writers . amen to that , marge . and i appreciate this , but i really resent the two drink minimum . you always drink more than two drinks . but no one makes me . three long island iced teas , please . okay , were gonna perform a little improv . first we need a location . uh , . degrees north latitude , degrees west longitude . ah , yes , new york city . now we need a relationship for me and cathy here . loveless marriage . okay , i heard loveless marriage . these guys are pros . all they did was ask for two premises . thats two more than youve asked for . oh , boy . all right , all we need now is an object . anyone . fear of public speaking sorry , didnt hear that . oh fear of public speaking . maybe he has trouble talking in the dark . hey , jerry , bring up number seven . no . jerry , no . aah . no . aah . jerry , stop it . no . dont aah . oh , no . oh ho . aah . oh . okay , um fear of public speaking . well , thats not really an object , but well make it work . new york city , loveless marriage , fear of public speaking . theyve pulled back the bow  now let the arrow take flight . you know , im gonna move over a seat . we now take you to an apartment on th and columbus avenue . oh eeh aah oh what . what . cathy , whats wrong . i i ah ah aw , for heavens sakes , cathy , when we got married , you used to speak for hours . but since we moved to new york city , nothing . wow . it all magically fits . come on , cathy , say something . anything . fuggedaboutit . and scene . i said fear of public speaking . yes , you did . very nice . return to your seat immediately . wow . wow . these guys do everything i cant . maybe they can teach me . i dont know that theyre interested in that . for the first eight classes . thats kind of expensive . couldnt people just form their own groups for free . and scene . uh , excuse me , is this the , uh , improv class . yes , and come in . sit anywhere . yes , and be quiet . homer this is it . i feel my mind exploding with premises . so many ideas , but how do i turn them into comedy . oh , kiss me beneath the milky twilight  homer , could could you stay with us , please . i dont know how . the secret is to lose yourself and become , say , a suicidal auctioneer . i could not possibly imagine what such a person would say . well , just remember , its its not you . dont you get it . the secret to life has been right in front of you all along dont be yourself . uh , okay . what am i bid for this noose . do hear . no . going thats great . really took my mind off my sick grandmother . oh . looks like the hospital left a message . gotta go . homer see ya . it made me laugh . so , then , you pay me . no , never . and if you open your own school , well break your legs . you want to give him the one we can never crack . queen of norway buying a car . oh , dear . i cant a fjord it . a star is born . excuse me . im from the city . are you aware that you live in a historical treehouse preservation district . may i see your permits . i dont have permits . dont worry . d dont worry . ill take care of it . ive gotta hand it to you , dad . you went from fear of public speaking to starting your own improv troupe . improv is exciting , but totally safe . like driving a helicopter on the ground . um , thats not safe . dont deny the premise . thats anti improv . note for new character , auntie improv . may i hear a suggestion . people , dont freak out , but the improv critic from the springfield shopper is in the audience . steve thurlson . no , thurlson is their improv reporter . grant hood is their improv critic . then whos jennifer whitehead . oh , she writes improv think pieces . you know , trends , big picture stuff . who does the top ten list at end of best of improv issue . they each write their own . oh , yeah . i forgot about that . thats true . huh . hi , everybody . we are premises , . yes , it says on google that there are improv groups with that name . lenny take it , homer . uh , okay , i need a location . uh , jackson square in new orleans . and a type of person that might be there . someone with confidence . mm , i i ga ron it . so , tuesday is the treehouse warming . nelsons gonna show us his moms bra . thats the thing that boobs touch . whoa , automatic blinds . yeah , i think my mom put those in . no need to thank her . shes just doing her job . the keebler elves are real . pass the gravy , bart . yo . thank you . geez , who ordered the crab . theres crab . theres no crab . theres no thank yous , no appreciation . nothing . uh , who was that directed at . bart . whew . pass the gravy , please . dad . dad . the springfield fringe festival just invited us to perform . huh . whats a fringe festival . my guess would be its a three day series of performances by alternative comedy and music acts , including , but not limited to , improv , stand up, , light circus work and ironic burlesque . were gonna be on the main stage on closing night . this is going in my log . yay . more crab for me . marge theres no crab . mm . mmm . aw , marge , dont take it to heart . kids are ungrateful , thats their job . you can cheer up watching me at the fringe festival . good for you . the main stage , closing night , all eyes on you . wh wh what are you saying . oh , shes making me nervous again . but now im a trained comedy amateur . no one can get in my head . marge simpson , you dont want to accidentally undermine him like last time . oh , thank god he doesnt know what im thinking . i know exactly what shes thinking . that if i mess this up , ill be worse off than ever . he does know . she knows i know . marge homer . aw , what . i slept on it , and im madder than ever . go get bart . oh my god , marge , you woke up with morning would . okay , ill put this in your new language . location barts room . action bring him here . can i get a character , please . fine . um a near sighted frankenstein . okay . bride . bride . i do not look like the bride of frankenstein . dont deny premise . bart mom , can i come in . you like your eggs a little runny dont you . what . and your toast set at four , with a little bit of butter . yeah . hash browns might be a little burnt . i like em however you make em , sweetie . i just wanted to say im sorry . we all forget just how many wonderful things you do . oh y youre making me cry . and best of all , youre as hot as the day i met you . thank you . that apology speech you wrote worked like a charm , pop . your mother cant resist an apology that comes straight from the heart of this box . oh , dear god , this is not a renaissance faire , is it . uh , thats in two weeks , henry the weight problem . ha . gee , i dont know if i belong here with all this talent . hey , reverend . why didnt the dinosaurs make it on noahs ark . oh , i give up . because they didnt exist . dad , this festival encourages experimentation . even failure . oh , what if i dont fail . desperate times call for desperate measures . i am getting a helium balloon . that makes anyone funny . be right back . homer , are you okay . you look exactly like barbara streisand did in . i cant think of anything funny . homer , relax , youre a riot . remember how funny you was when you was the confident cajun . look , just let me feed you the prompt . wait , you mean cheat at improv . what would del close say . he would say , do like moe says , and shut the hell up . whos del close . only the author of the best book i intend to read someday . homer , the cemeteries are filled with people who didnt cheat at improv . hmm okay , lets go over what youre gonna call out one more time . uh , ethnicity cajun . location back alley . good , . the back alley cajun bit . lisa dad . are you cheating by planting suggestions . maybe . have you learned nothing from owning an unread copy of truth in comedy . its either that or quit the show . you cant let your troupe down . they need your space work , your strong choices , and scene building skills . hey , lay off your dad , huh . everything thats supposedly spontaneous has already been planned , okay . reality shows , uh , lip sync singing , even awards shows . no . yes , thats why the losers dont show up . b b they have scheduling conflicts . yeah , right . dave franco has a scheduling conflict . no , ive heard enough . i refuse to use performance enhancing sugs . audience its homer simpson . homer simpsons here . okay , everyone , im homer simpson and i need an occupation . cadaver salesman . drive thru cashier . uh , frog gigger . finger kisser . mwah . nurse . youll have to be more specific . i need a nurse . back alley cajun . mm hmm . ah a father i can look up to . oh . um , uh i hear drive thru cashier . both you wha . hello , welcome to down and out burger would you like fries with that . a thousand . sure thing , mr . brando . by the way , this is . and now were going to do something a little special . our father is gonna improv live answers to questions from the tv audience . it only took us years to do what they could do in . homer , time to bomb . hello . ive gathered you here because i have an important announcement . this is the last episode of the simpsons . its been a great run . just kidding . the simpsons will never end . on saturday night live las night , drake was terrible . now to take your calls . lets go to hannah . hannah , youre talking to homer . hi there , homer . my question for you is who do you like more lenny or carl and why . lets see . i like lenny because hes the black guy and wait a minute , no . carls the wait . let me get back to you when i figure out whos who . lets go to the next question . amanda . i was wondering if you could give me any tips or trips for making it look like im hard a work but im relaxing or taking a nap . always wear glasses with eyes glued onto them . next question . george , i think . hello , george . hello , homer . whats your question . so my question is pizza related . pizza . do you prefer chicago deep dish or new york style . lets see . i prefer chicago deep dish because i like italian better than chinese . and now lets go to a planted call with a planted question . lets go to hello . homer , how are you doing . im doing all right . is that your question . i was wondering what kind of car do you drive . oh , i drive a hybrid which is a combination of old and terrible . next caller . chris . yes , chris . whats your question . or comment . my question is whats your favorite job . what was your favorite job . my favorite job would have been being an astronaut because everything was done for me . and also i could get away from the boy . well , thats it . thats it , ladies and gentlemen . we have come to my closing remarks . it only lasted three minutes , like eating cheeseburgers and making love . if your call hasnt been taken yet , please continue to hold . the cast of empire will be answering questions wednesday night . someone will let them know . flashing by are the credits of the people who worked long and hard on this . i have no idea who they are . now the show is over . the spotlight dims , the laughter fades . someone call uber . if bart would just return my pants so i can move from behind this desk . doo , . waiting on the pants . oh , bart , not culottes . no . springfield . doh . eh , hello . bart . hell no . doh . homer mmm . homer doh . homer . do something . lenny quittin time . carl quittin time . homer thank god its friday . lenny thursday . homer same thing . see you monday . marge , baby , im out the door . are you sure . because sometimes people say theyre out the door when they really havent left yet . those people are horrible , liars . see you soon . simpson , not so fast . hold up one end of this poster . now use it to conceal this . excellent . now , let me just crank up the plumb bob to determine the vertical . with this mechanical marvel , well have this poster level in under three hours . oh , and for a little excitement , how about a plumb bob song . uh all right . um one must never , rush the plumb bob slow is the way the only way to go clear your schedule before you use the plumb bob yes , the plumb bob is mighty , slow marge okay . maggies had her bath , dinners on the stove . hmm . dare i pop a cork . give me a spin , marge . youre so deft . not like him . lisa mom . mom . my costume for the science play is all wrong . you said you were a seahorse . a male seahorse . with a pouch . males have pouches . male seahorses nurturing is one of the wonders of the world . you said you read the script . bart gave me a synopsis . i oh , boy . oh , now what . eat your carrot and pea medley . mom , ill clean that up for you . oh , thank god , some help . wheres the mop . in the mop closet . wheres the bucket . under the mop . other closet . theres stuff in front of it . let me help . ay , caramba . hey , theres wood underneath this linoleum . oh . just go play outside . outside . your loss . i do not get what kids see in these places . its the genie of the sub . genie . i wish . you get a lamp and a carpet , which is more than ive got in here . hmm , didnt know this place was filled with such losers . hey , martin . bartholomew . this playground has safely stimulated my imagination . what the hell are you talking about . martin . whos your new friend . mother , dont blow this for me . fine , ill just go sit and talk to his mother . where is she . im here by myself . but i have a safety number . moe moes tavern . homer aint here . and for once , thats the truth . simpson , are you here unsupervised . yeah . and so what . id lose the attitude , sylvester alone . finally , a laugh out of lou . son , kids arent allowed on their own anymore . now , who said you could come here . my mom . ugh . always the mom . shes got needles . what did bart do now . i was playing nicely in the park . bart , how could you what . your children need to be supervised . take her away , boys . if you take me away , then whos gonna watch my kids . you shouldve thought of that before we showed up unannounced . what , marge . youre being arrested . im afraid so , mr . simpson . a mother at the park saw something she disapproved of . and luckily for your son , she overreacted . i , uh i get carsick in the front . our top story , a springfield mother has been arrested for an outrageous neglige . the sorry , im being told its negligence . which is very boring . judge , i dont understand . when i was a kid , we used to go out and play and not come home until dark . i see . bailiff , incarcerate marge simpsons mother . thanks for ratting me out , marge with all due respect , judge , this is wackadoodle . nobody cares about their kids more than i do . liar . marge is right , your honor . my e mail password is bad dad . yeah , judge . if you wanna know who should be in jail , he weighs and smells like onions . it is not within the purview of this court to determine how fat and smelly your father may be . woo hoo . mrs . simpsons , days . this is kafkaesque . kafkaesque . ive got my eye on you . now its orwellian . hey , kitties . you got a new ball of yarn . oh , that guard is awfully slammy . newbies on top . oh . wheres the ladder . have you been claimed yet . claimed . by one of the book clubs . yeah , we read a little , dig a little , read a little , dig a little , kiss a little , dig a little . homer , i think youre supposed to cook sausage . whats the point . well , hi there , homer . i know a time like this is when a man really needs his neighbor . yeah , well , thanks for the check in . well , this is more than a check in . its a chance to do good for us boys in the hood . just call us nwa , neighbors with appetizers . wow , . i really am the richest man in town . not rich in money , but in what really matters pity . and what happened to marge is a wake up call for us all . theres no greater crime than half assed parenting . kirk , wheres milhouse . on the leash , baby . on the leash . hes too far . retract . retract . whoa . whyd you pull me back . some new kids were just about to give me a chance . dont try anything new , son . i couldve married a woman who didnt look exactly like me . but that wouldve been crazy . hey , newbie . nobody touches the new james patterson until solar reads it first . she wants you to pick it up . you scared , huh . oh . whoa , . whoa . anybody else want a taste of blue thunder . uh , i do . yeah . now , if you ladies recall what this place is supposed to be for mm smokin weed . reading . dad , if this is what they send when mom goes to jail , just imagine what happens when you kick the bucket . oh , man , thats gonna be so awesome . dad , . youre eating a teddy bear . thats my stomachs problem . okay , homer , i just changed all the linens , diapered the dog for modesty , and replaced the batteries in the smoke detectors , which were all bad . one was just a candy dish with a red light painted on . was there any candy in it . there is now . oh , flanders . it turns out theres a good side to you after all . well , sir , maybe i know a little bit about what its like to lose the lady of the house . oh , i think i heard a dryer ding . thank you , mr . flanders . tell your boys i wanna hang . flanders is great . ive always said that . but we cant forget your mother . oh marge oh , my first prison flower . can it be . am i starting to like it in here . exercise time . oh . i never have time to exercise . is this a prison or a spa . aah . its a prison . hey , uh , are there any more chocolate chip muffins . sorry , dad . the only ones left have caraway seeds . oh . i miss your mother so much . shockingly , these gift baskets havent solved anything . wait , dad . that one that looks like blueberry actually has mms . oh . oh , thank god . everythings okay . but for how long . lisa mom , i really , miss you . also , i have a field trip form that needs to be signed for school . i think if i mail it to you at the prison its still easier than getting it from dad . bart i wanna talk to mom . can you send me a shiv for show and tell . preferably with blood on it . hey , give me the phone . are my blue pants done at the prison laundry . remember to sign my form . shiv with blood . press my pants . the electric chair . and then he thought it was the electric chair .  . lights out . really .  . i get to go to bed . i dont have to clean a sink full of dishes , or write a paragraph with topic sentence for homer . aw , youre tired too . everyone goes to sleep so easily here . marge , your positivity is contagious . im starting to believe i really will show everyone . simpson , you got a visitor . oh , gee , now . its a shame to go inside . okay , lets move in the body now . marge , i got great news . we hired the one good lawyer in town . yes , mrs . simpson , i got you off on a technicality . since your husband never filed for a birth certificate , bart isnt legally your son . mm . mm . how about that . why arent you saying anything , marge . youre free . free . now , its not the world you remember . the girl at the coffee place that left . came back . so youll have that to get used to . im free . oh , and just in time . barts claiming hes in another dimension , but i think hes just hiding in the closet . i had days . i was promised days . now you have to give me more time . oh , no you dont . i cant go to another school meeting . i cant . everyone just asks about their own kid . hey , you like shopping . cause you just bought yourself two more months . sorry , homie . i cant go back yet . just tell me where the soap for the dishwasher goes and how do i marge would rather stay in prison than come home to me . i have to reexamine my entire life . yeah , maybe you can start by not bringing your kids to the bar . yeah , its kind of funny  homer takes his kids to a saloon , but marge is in jail for being a bad parent . i guess somebody up there likes me . do you like him . uh , not really , no . ive gotta change , show marge i can help around the house . more than just turning up the tv when she vacuums . ive gotta become the perfect homemaker . oh oh , i was doing so great , but it turned out i was a secret alcoholic . yeah , good thing its just your imagination . oh , yeah . when we said wed take turns watching all the kids , i never thought it would be my turn . why did i get the choke chain . go around this side of the tree . this side of the tree . this side of the tree . no , ralph . no . hi , mr . bobcat . youre in charge , boy . now , listen , bobcat . are you as sick as i am of having grown ups everywhere you go . i say we sneak off to the park and have fun by ourselves . great idea . ill text my mom . my jitterbug senior phone . operator jitterbug call center . if youve fallen and need assistance , press one . if youre lonely and wanna talk , press disconnect . oh , i really miss my family . i thought they were letting you out . i just wasnt ready for the outside . i didnt realize how much i needed a break . but maybe not a prison break . prison break . prison break . yeah . all right , all our parents think were playing after school rugby with willie . what wheres me scrum . time for unsupervised play . im going down the hot slide in shorts . im gonna freckle . im gonna ride the hobbyhorse english style . finally  kids having fun the way they were meant to . it just proves that danger is not the rule , but the exception . tornado . this is kent brockman covering two of the biggest stories of the year a tornado and a prison break , while i report safely from the channel six emmy watch bunker . arnie pye , whats the situation . im im about to die , kent . and worst of all is the fact that your voice is the last one ill ever hear , you pompous snow monkey . homer , what are you doing here . i had to do whatever it takes to get you to leave . so i dressed up as a prison guard . now id better not blow my cover . get back . get back . okay , a little forward . now back . back . back . now forward . and back . back . back . its very sweet that you came for me . i know things wont always be perfect  but theyll be better than fighting off prison inmates in a tornado . i believe you . and i wanna go home . mwah . man come on , man . take the shot . no , i cant . ill fire a warning shot at her hair . oh , she uses too much product . dont worry . all the kids are accounted for except for , uh raife waggum . well , i have a sad call to make . huh . busy . marge bart , would you like some extra bacon . sure would , mom . okay , but you owe me . sorry , force of habit . its okay , mom . whatever you want , just glad youre back . geez , ever since i got sprung from the hoosegow , you kids have been kind of clingy . no , mom , were just really glad to have you back . and were not nuts or anything , but please dont let the refrigerator door block my view of you . both aah . hmm , i need some spices from the pantry . im coming , too . oh , youre pathetic . let me in . now , kids , give your mother a little peace and aw . aw . marge i wanna say two things i love you guys and were out of peanut butter . elderman shh . springfield . doh . doh . doh . doh . doh . family . meet me at the kitchen cube . doh . doh . doh . doh . doh . i am simpson . i am simpson . i am simpson . dont have cow , man . i am simpson . i am simpson . dont have cow , man . dont have cow , man . i am simpson . i am simpson . hail the dark lord of the twin moons . i am simpson . i am simpson . dont have cow , man . simpson . cow , man . i am simpson . i am simpson . make purchase of the merchandise . doh . dont have cow , man . i have memories . i have . memor still love you , homar . we are happy family . all animals can scream . make purchase of the merchandise . i am simpson . i am simpson . dont have cow , man . doh . three feet , nine inches . that should do it . dont you know what kind of animal were dealing with . okay , enough theory . hey , dad . we made popcorn . homer woo hoo . huh . out of my reach . must make effort . yay . mr . simpson , you earned this . whats on tv . krustys getting roasted tonight . hey . sometimes the language on these gets a little b l . what . oh . if you dont let us watch , well just go to a house where some more permissive parents will . how permissive . chief wiggum shows us crime photos at sleepovers . so this is what a body looks like after it drops uh , come on , milhouse , dont pretend youre asleep . this is the world we live in . yeah . hey , krusty , our local deli just named a sandwich after you . its called the unfunny comedian . you will always be remembered for your countless appearances on the krusty the clown show and your one appearance on to catch a predator . hey , i spent a lifetime making people happy . yeah  plastic surgeons and divorce lawyers . i was just about to say that . oh , he took my laugh . screw it , im doing it anyway . plastic surgeons and divorce lawyers . what a legend . krusty the clown is to comedy what martin luther king is to comedy . weve seen a lot of top flight comics tonight , but thats over , because its time to hear from krusty the clown . welcome , krusty . i grew up watching you . oh , uh , sorry . i threw up watching you . sarah silverman . i say this with love , you disrespectful skank . youve had more oh . suddenly , i dont feel like doing this . sorry , mini ha . canceling the bit . tell the others . i thought this night would be fun for me and my friends . i dont even know these people . and i guess i dont have any friends . my only comfort is the roast is over and will only be shown four times a day for the rest of all time . krusty . yeah . is your nose red because its embarrassed to be seen with you . oh , nobody warned me this roast would treat me the same way as every roast ive seen and laughed at . and the husband says , who paid you a nickel . and the wife says , everybody . oh , sorry , wrong for this audience . i thought swapper jacks was something else . krusty , sorry about the roast . they had no right to say those hilarious things . how could they say im past my prime . me  the voice of ovaltine . krusty , why dont you talk to your dad . hell cheer you up . hes a rabbi . he mustve learned something from that giant star scroll hes always reading . kid , does talking to your dad make you feel better . well , no , but hes not a rabbi . more of a flabbi . why , you little ill show you whos a flabbi . no , youre not a flabbi . yeah , all muscle . in minnesota , id be a supermodel . okay , i got it . so , basically , i came here so you could tell me the truth  that im great . as the torah says judgment belongs to god . the torah also says you cant eat ham , and im the spokesman for hamco ham . this is why i only call you on christmas and easter . wait , . please , dad . do you even think im funny . im not gonna lie to you , for funny , i prefer rabbi rudenstein . he puts the ha in hanukah and the levity in leviticus . as for you , son , if you want to know my honest opinion of you , youve always been eh . go on . ive always been eh ntertaining . dad . show me nose fog . oh , god , hes dead . and he never lived to see me be successful . a pusten fas hilcht hecher . an empty barrel reverberates loudly . and today , my heart is that barrel . even though my father and i had our difficulties , he was a great man . and , well , he always wha . eh . eh . eh . eh . eh . eh . eh . look , im an entertainer . so maybe the best way to say how i feel about my dad is through a song that someone else wrote that i hired people to sing . this is for you , dad . he fought and fought and fought for jewish rights wisdom sought students taught rabbi krustofskys gone . yeah , well , its just well , i thought seriously , it can be really tough to lose your father . rudenstein yasher co ack . let us all please rise . homer , get up . huh . oh , uh oh . oh . oh . dad , are you okay . yeah , great . i guess my getting up days are over . dad , youre eating too much . im worried about your health . i dont want to lose you . oh , no . krusty , i brought some homemade chicken soup . we used the play doh maker for the matzo . uh , thanks , but i dont really like soup . but you wear that little spoon around your neck . you really notice stuff , dont you . yes . and i can tell how hard it was to lose your father . but at least you were there to share his final thoughts . eh . no , its a big thing . no , thats what he called me . eh . mm . it could be worse . oh , yeah . how . i dont know , uh how about thats a lot worse . can you stop comforting me now . krusty , condolences on your loss . so this is the bob whose comedic genius i can never live up to . believe me , all of us have thought about killing him . clowns have it tough , krusty . i understand . i was professor pickles with ringling brothers for several years . the elephant and i had our differences . so , what brings you here . and dont say clown car . im a sad , tragic clown . like whats his name  liberace . tell me about your father , huh . ah . herschel , did you read your exodus . oh , uh , oh , sure . really . then tell me , what did the burning bush say . it said ow . put me out . how many talking bushes do you think there are .  . my son , you are a big needy nothing that only laughs can fill . i dont need laughs . ha . oh , thank you . thank you . a big needy nothing . wow . wow . krusty , would you like a therapy dog . yeah . with extra relish . hey hey . i still got it , huh . yes , if by it you mean reflexive denial of your inner sadness . hey hey . sideshow mel shut up , children . boys and girls , you know that weve been dark for a couple of days because of a tragic loss in the krustylu family . now put your hands together for the man whos falling apart before our eyes , krusty the clown . no monologue . roll the cartoon . oh , my god . who made this monstrosity . i did everything . kids , im experiencing a crisis of conscience . no , . i dont deserve the prerecorded applause of children long gone . kid i like ike . therefore , im quitting the show . and i know mel will be quitting it with me . yes , buy the house . itll be uh , what .  . today is the day the pity laughter died . krusty the clown has retired . for a brief overview of a half century of ha has, , here is channel six tv critic clive meriwether . krusty the clown will perhaps best be remembered for taking up two spots in the channel six parking lot . on a personal level , he used to call me little lord tingaling . i shant miss that . this mans only lasting legacies are a law in his name limiting the working hours of chimpanzees to hours a day and the invention of the payment of alimony by dropping hot pennies from a helicopter . i give his life a d plus . good day to you . what will krusty do now . i suppose only time will tell . which is true for all news stories , i guess . until anyone realizes , im kent brockman adding no useful information . and heres another sentence . you can tell im winding it up because my voice is going up and down like this . well , at least now i have plenty of time to solve this rubiks cube . all right , what if i did oh . mom , dad . yes , lisa . what . ive been listening , and dad stops breathing for as long as five minutes . mind if i sleep with you guys and keep an eye on him . sweetie , you shouldnt have to worry about such things . the doctor gave us this machine to help him breathe in his sleep . go to bed . ill take care of him . no good . no good . oh . oh . ah . what do i do . what do i do . oh . breathe , homie , breathe . well , at least teenys doing okay . hes in the odd couple with david hyde pierce . now , really , oscar , would it kill you to use a coaster . if youre going to go up there , at least dust . finally , done the way i first imagined it . im gonna prove you did groundbreaking work . krusty , i want you to binge watch all the shows youve ever done . well , ive never said no to a binge . deuteronomy . isnt that the study of deuters . hippocampus . isnt that another name for the university of mississippi . okay . ive been on years . youre bound to repeat yourself a little . unless i wanted to be sat on by mama cass . unless i wanted to be sat on by dom deluise . by the cast of whats happening . william the refrigerator perry , everyone . newman from seinfeld . the whale from whale rider . adele . what . shes a guest star .  . so thats why all my cameramen have ptsd . wheres my whiskey funnel .  . young man , you should go . when the master is like this , it is no place for children . pour , helga . it begins . whoa . where am i . why , youre in jewish heaven . oh , this place is great . why , my necktie straightens itself . even portnoy has no complaints . and i tell you , i get so much respect . wow . so i made it to heaven . this place is amazing . schmuck , theres no jewish heaven . our faith teaches us that once youre dead , thats it , kaput . its dark , its cold . its like that apartment we lived in before i started doing weddings . but you , my son , remain eh .  . go back to earth . do something with your life . help people . help people . help people . help people . nothing . im not getting a pulse . i got to change my life . still no pulse . i guess im just really bad at this . woman someone to watch over me . im afraid lisas getting obsessed with keeping her father out of danger . shes gotten our resusci annie doll to breathe on its own . why . in this new shelter , we provide a home for animals put out of work by cirque du soleil . um , krusty , have you fulfilled the promise you made to your father in the dream you never told anyone about . uh , no . somehow a brief act of uncharacteristic generosity solved nothing . hey , krusty . what . have you been going to temple . yeah , and ive learned that all religions are equally boring . but theres a reason i went . come and see . kid , theres no way you can cheer me up . not when whiskey , good deeds and hookers failed . whos a hooker . uh , with me , its easier to say which ones arent hookers . hmm . lisa , what are you doing . wrapping you in bubble wrap . i cant always be around to protect you , so it will . but oh , lisa , honey , you cant insulate yourself from life . why , i could live till or a bus could hit me tomorrow . thats why i never plan more than four seconds ahead . oh , i guess youre right . now come on . give daddy a hug . bubble wrap . your daughterly love saved me , sweetie . thats all i wanted , a tiny bit of control . oh . i suppose we should exchange insurance information . i dont have any . me neither . then we have the same company . theyll work it all out . rabbi rudenstein . your fathers favorite . todays reading is from deuteronomy , which i believe is the study of deuters . hey , thats my joke . eh , must be a coincidence . uh , but before we begin , id like to quote the burning bush , which said , hey , put me out . how many talking bushes do you think there are . hey hey . me again . so if dad loved his jokes , then dad loved my jokes . oh yeah , i guess he just hated your delivery . he loved my jokes . my father respected me but could never tell me . thats jewish heaven . heaven jewish heaven rabbi krustofsky were a father and a son who didnt speak but up here we found the happiness we seek and i cant wait till you join me next week you . uh , just this once , you think you could turn water into a bloody mary . ill tell you , youre all right , you know . krusty , lets face it , you might not be cutting edge anymore , but your show still does really great in that key demo of people who died with the tv on . whoa . of course , krustys responsible for itchy scratchy , which is also what he calls his testicles . doh . shh . springfield . well , it wasnt easy , but we managed to watch every testicle fail video on the internet . now to leave a great comment . lol . thats gotta hurt . oh i guess theres nothing left to do but go outside and play . wait  a sponsored link . milhouse oh . a trailer for project after party . the long awaited sequel to project party . thats a red band trailer . were not old enough to see that . sure we are . i just have to enter my birthday . january . no movies so dirty the oldest man in the world cant see it . well , they did everything they could to stop us , but we hacked through anyway . narrator they thought the party was over . after party . brief nudity . i thought we installed parental blocking software on all our computers . i dont know what that stuff blocks . mammogram appointment . i told you to clean your room and instead youre watching chest videos . look at all those bowls of half eaten cereal . the cereal on the bottom gets soggy . i know how cereal works . now clean your room . why should i . its just gonna get dirty again . im in charge . you do what i say . ill get to it when i get to it . that better not mean what it means when i say it . doh . that boy has no respect for my authority . maybe you two are more similar than youd like to admit . were not similar . i love being told what to do by someone whos wise in the ways of the world . love it . heres what i would do in the middle of the night , clean barts room for him , then , in the morning , thank him for cleaning his room . you poor woman . dealing with bart has turned your mind to ketchup water . you rest . ill be the boys father now . im done . id like it if you ate a little more broccoli . eh , im not feelin it . your mother said eat your broccoli . why do i need to eat broccoli . so that you can grow up healthy and strong , like randy quaid . yeah , randy quaid . hes very healthy . look , ill drink another glass of milk . milk . thats for babies and old guys who cant sleep at night because of what they did in the war . broccoli . hey , what if i eat the broccoli . i love the stuff . you eat a sundae . marge , get lisa a sundae . you are not leaving this table until you eat that broccoli . and im going to sit right here until you do . youll never out sit me . oh , really . you think your skinny butt can sit on that hard , wooden chair longer than el gordo . the sit is on . eat your broccoli . no . eat your broccoli . no . read your broccoli . no . theyve been at it all night . i know , but theyre not gonna waste a whole saturday inside . mm hmm . homer , where are you . our fantasy football draft is about to start . todays our draft . ive got to pick a good fantasy team . when i lost last year , they made me do something so humiliating jeebus loves tebow . and so the fat man caves . if you need me , ill be up in my room eating cereal . half a bowl of cereal . marge , i want you  my wife  to draft my fantasy football team . i i dont really know that much about the my team name is somewhere over the dwayne bowe and my password is annoyed grunt . draft with god , honey . eat your broccoli . martins been secretly taking self defense courses , and now hes beating up nelson . martin hi yah . nelson ow . ow . whoa . aah . his fat fists are a blur . ive never seen moves like that . kearney and never will again . sounds like quite a match . and heres your ticket to a front row seat . no . no . ill never eat those filthy mini trees . today , i wear the vest . haw . haw . now i am never eating that broccoli . homie . homie , the fantasy draft just ended . i got you five kickers . it is called football , right . you are definitely eating that broccoli . this has got to stop . if you dont go to work , youre going to get fired . i can get another job . who wouldnt want to hire a man who wont back down . i could be a prison warden or a southern anything . ive got an idea , but ill need that broccoli . these two fruit smoothies look and taste exactly the same . one of them , however , has the broccoli blended in . bart picks one of the smoothies and drinks it  maybe he had the broccoli , maybe he didnt . no one knows , so neither of you has given in , and this horrible impasse can come to an end . uh , works for me . im in . oh , thank god . hmm oh , no , the broccoli . you did that on purpose . you lick this table clean . come on . lick it . come on , now , you can still lick it . oh , im afraid homer and barts problems are beyond our power to solve . theres only one thing left to try . and , lift . put my sack back on . im trying to sleep . hmm . where are we . i dont know . eat your broccoli . no . were on an old time boat . weve been kidnapped . not kidnapped , shanghaied . oh . oh . my name is captain bowditch . your wife signed you up for a week at sea , where youll live like sailors , eat like sailors and use therapeutic techniques to solve father son conflicts like sailors . hmm . hmm . for theres no better place to solve relationship issues than on the relation ship . relation ship . it works two ways . pretty good . pretty good . hey , lame ass , thanks to you , were stuck on a stupid therapy boat . im the lame ass . the only lame ass on this boat is you and all the other lame asses . shouldnt we do something . we are doing something . were empathizing . i just know bart and homer are best friends already . i can feel it . oh , im getting a message from your fathers fantasy football league . i must still be logged in as him . lenny used the uck word . mom , its trash talk . you know how guys say mean things to their friends , the way women say nice things to their enemies . oh . yikes . well i dont like this trash talk . and im gonna do something about it . even if i have to bring in the big guns . dear lord , please help homers friends understand that make believe computer football is no excuse for using the internet to be mean . trash talk . in church . no . no , not here . marge its everywhere . and now , a moment of silence for the victims of the shelbyville sinkhole . the wi fi . the wi fi . ive got to take out the wi fi . shes under a lot of stress . her husbands at sea . ahoy , lads and dads . its never easy to talk about your feelings in front of strangers so were going to sing about them . who wants to sing about their feelings who wants to go first and sing about their feelings ill go first and sing about my feelings im so happy to be singing . now , homer . doh . so , cletus , gitmo , what brings you fellas to the relation ship . my daddys always overpraisin me . aw , thats great honesty , son . im so proud of you . why wont you let me fail . what about you , bart , homer . homer . lethargy , skin spots , spongy gums  this mans got scurvy . but weve only been at sea one day . whens the last time you had citrus . i had a mimosa at brunch a few years ago . well , bart , while your father spends the next few days sucking out of the lemon barrel , youll drink deep of the hearty grog of empowerment . what does that mean . mainly climbing . except for wednesday night when we project a movie on the sails . but , really , a lot of climbing . sheepshank , bowline , clove hitch dad , look , i did a round turn with two half hitches . you lie . wait a minute . windswept hair , rugged tan , rough , calloused hands . youre enjoying this , arent you .  . so what if i am . youre my son and you will hate what i hate . angled parking . lemons . kickstarters by famous guys who already have lots of money . and this boat . im old enough to choose my own things to hate . and the things i like . and i like being a sailor . betrayed by my worst enemy . i never would have seen it coming . why , bart , thats a perfect halyard cleat . just like you taught me , captain . over , under , over , under , over , under , over , under , over , half hitch . well , the standard form is under , over , under , over , under , over , under , around , over , under fathers , sons , together weve made a lot of progress on this voyage . i learned that left is called port . i finally got over my sea sickness . terrific , homer . just terrific . but one sailor has truly taken to nautical life . i hereby award bart simpson the post of midshipman . wow . so now i can give orders . thats right , mr . midshipman . wait a minute . im his father . he cant order me around . hes your superior officer , so he can and will order you around . and what if i refuse . oh . im sorry we had to discipline you . on the positive side , you wont miss out on the fatherson hornpipe dance . oh , i hate the golden age of sail . officer on deck . seaman homer , youre supposed to be swabbing the deck . why should i . its just gonna get dirty again . im in charge . you do what i say . fine . ill swab whatever you say . look . im swabbing the deck . im swabbing this giant tree that the sail grows out of . oh . im swabbing the top of the ocean . oh . swab , hey . what the . fantasy football has turned every man in this town into a trash talking monster . oh , face it  all men live in a sad world of profanity , boob jokes and tired comedy references . ms cowbell . theres only one thing that will shut these guys up . you got to beat one of them at fantasy football . then thats what im gonna do . narrator game day . as an icy mist rose from a package of defrosting hamburger meat , desktop gladiator marge simpson prepared to lead her husbands team against undefeated trash talker moe szyslak . mom did everything she checked injury lists , scouting reports , she even studied the tapes . the tapes of the real housewives of tampa bay , where she watched star running back lakwando demarius get kicked out of his house after buying his wife the wrong color convertible . that doesnt match my phone . lakwandos mind wont be on the game . and benched . and now to make my big move . homers team e mailed asking to start five kickers . i was like , okay , its , uh , your funeral . there would be no funeral . high winds , unlocked by the savage power of climate change , allowed marges five kickers to launch a long range campaign of three point annihilation . an field goal . you got to be kidding me . refresh , . but no amount of refreshing could alter the facts despite a breathtaking ignorance and a powerful dislike of the sport , a rookie housewife had defeated a savvy veteran , proving conclusively that fantasy football is basically just luck . ahoy , midshipman . i hope your voyage on the relation ship is proving interpersonally fruitful . i dont know . its really hard when someone doesnt respect your authority . epiphany ho . and im sure your father has been doing some growing and learning of his own . i found some booze in another dads bag drunk , on a boat yi yo . you dont need booze , homer . i went to sea because im a recovering alcoholic . but out here on the waves , i no longer crave the sweet , warm , soothing flavors of yummy , rummy . i love this boat . with all its pullies and flappies and everything has a name . you know what , homer . ive always wanted to eat a parrot . whats the big deal . its just like a green chicken . yeah narrator but fortune did not favor the relation ship , as the same winds that lofted marges fantasy field goals to victory now sent gales of doom toward this vessel of questionable therapeutic value . white lightnin squall . why is the captain just juggling . okay , o okay . i can do this . i can do this . someone count me in . i said count me in . dont worry , ill radio the coast guard for help . the therapy bears . look out for the therapy bears . oh . im a comin, , bears . dont stand there gawking like a dang fool . do somethin , boy . you criticized me . thats all i ever wanted , daddy , honest parenting . cletus aw now im the ships highest ranking officer . its up to me to get us to shore . dad , we can make it to harbor if we can just sail around that lighthouse . are you crazy . well never make it . drop the anchor and wait out the storm . no , we need to sail . im dropping the anchor . cant you just do what i say . youve never done what i say  ever . now can we please respect each other . yes , son . we can . awaiting your orders , mr . midshipman . put up the storm jib and haul in the main sheet . aye sir . another success story for the relation ship . so , did your sailing adventure help you work out your issues . does this answer your question . yar . quite a hornpipe thar be . but , uh , surely you would never have gone on a sea adventure without your old friend , the sea captain . yar . thats gonna hurt for a long time . yar . springfield . doh . youre never bored paintin the lord . daddy , could you help us with our school project . were huntin vampire appliances . say no more . mm hmm . okay . diddily , well , we pulled more plugs than a dutch doctor . now lets take a trip to the side of the house . both yay . why , thats a higher power than even i believe in . what is going on . my room , kids room , knick knack nook , beatles bunker , left hand lounge whats this . huh . hey , i was listening to that . homer simpson . got any other sockets in my pockets . absolutely not . really . really . really .  . my one weakness  the third really . come with me . turn right here . i keep this frozen meat in case society collapses but we still have power . homer . this is my freezerino . seriously , i am getting so tired of those stupid flandersisms . its the name of the freezer . homer okily dokahama . flander right next to mount fu gee, , im glad to see ya . homer aw . its all gonna thaw . dont you give up on me . ill cook this meat , cut it up and make it into sandwiches . and i will wait and worry . so , i cooked the meat , sliced it up , made sandwiches , cut off the crust , fed those to the dog aw , somebody wants more crust . here you go , boy . here you go . have some more . still hungry , buddy . dad , dogs dont know when to stop eating . lucky . ta da . all whoa . oh , marge , once again youve taken one of my screwups and turned it into food . man , if only you could do that with bart . mom . dads imagining me as food again . he does it to all of us . can someone put butter on me . homer family icious . come on , wheres that butter . hey , mom , can you pack me a dozen sandwiches in my lunch tomorrow . meat , no meat , its all good . sandwiches , mom . fill er up . and the garment bag . whats going on . are you kids eating your feelings . no , whenever anything bothers me , i harmlessly vent it to maggie . i smash fluorescent lights at the gravel pit . but thats so many sandwiches . kids love them . we trade them at school . they replaced cigarettes as our currency . bubble gum cigarettes . yeah , sure . what are you doing here , freezer stealer . neds letting us use his freezer to store the extra sandwiches . well , i felt a little guilty for taking back what belonged to me . flanders isnt perfect . never claimed to be . yeah , and arent . marge , see this face . its opportunity . blink , and youll miss it . huh . just kidding . im right behind you . im trudy zengler , vice president of development for mother hubbards sandwich cupboards . how would you like to run your own business . take control of your financial future . hmm . homie , how much money do we have put aside in case something happens to you . none . if that flashback you just described is true , you cant afford not to open this franchise . im in . wow , mom . youre gonna open a sandwich store . uh huh . mom , if youre gonna do this , theres one thing i need to know . and be honest . whats your soda refill policy . all you can drink , if you buy a jumbo cup . careful , marge , thats how i bankrupted a pizza hut . mmm thats good . more , . refill free . i i just i where is it going . my store . my offset spatula . mine . well , . seems like someone forgot theres a krusty burger two blocks away . go ahead , teeny . show em what we did to arbys . she did the one thing i never could  feed him . youre a cool customer , marge . and weve got your back . with everything from pre sliced tomatoes , to the homey needlepoint on the walls . aw and now , the best part of running your own franchise  picking your sammy fammy . youll want to avoid that . your monkey just ate all my turkey . you want some monkey meat to replace it . no . its low fat . gil as you can see , i was just two credits short at southern illinois , and i got to be honest with you , marge . i need this job bad . hmm you seem to have had , and lost , a lot of jobs . its a whole new world , marge . a whole new world . why , my dad spent his whole life at one company . started in the basement mailroom , and ended his career jumping out the window from the top floor . yeah , he was wearing this suit . corpse suit . im not sure this is going to work out . oh , i get it . you wont hire me because im pretty . that could be a lawsuit . no lawsuit . youre hired . okay , so i dont want to do anything thatll ruin my manicure . well , then why do you want this job . so i can get manicures . duh . professor , could you say , welcome to mother hubbards sandwich cupboard without making any other noises . of course i can , my dear child . welcome to mother hubbards uh sandwich mcboing boing glavin flyvy hyvy goyvyn , and now im running to the unemployment office . blervyk . im too nervous to sleep . im sorry i woke you up . im just so anxious about tomorrow . what if the store fails . what if i fail . well , you woke up the right man in bed . i love you , marjorie . and ive had my share of failures , sure . and sometimes i get pretty nervous . but thanks for talking it out with me . i think i can finally get to sleep now . no . no , . it was me that couldnt get to oh , make love now . say there , buddy , are you interested in our two for tuesday . i never would have been , till i got this flyer . interested in some exotic dancers , huh . todays tell you their real name tuesday . are you working two jobs here , gil . no , and i resent the accusation . tell me , its pointing west , right . hola . no change for the meter . no , id like to see the manager . mrs . boss . some fat blob wants to see you . marge homer . marge . come on , lets celebrate . its your first day . homie , im a little worried . do you know there were no customers between and . hey , tony romas wasnt built in a day . but dont worry , i told everyone about this place , and theyre all going to support you . you do have drone delivery , right . i kind of promised that . we dont have drone delivery . youll have to find a substitute . homer damn it . whats wrong . mother hubbard central expects you to buy a lot of stuff from them . uniforms , fixins . its like they dont care if you make money as long as they make money . what kind of corporation does that . im not trying to be political , but im the only one you can trust here . shauna . i saw that . im going to have to let you go . oh , so youre , like , firing me like in that movie where that girl gets fired . im sorry . if im fired , then hes quitting . i am .  . oh , thats what holds them up . what am i going to do . im down two employees and its the afternoon rush . i need a six foot party sub . lots of mayonnaise . and i mean lots . never stop squirting mayo . dont worry , baby . thank you , homie . why does this have to be so hard .  . oh , uh , sorry there , marge . this is my changing room . you are working two jobs . no , these are my real legs . im not a well man , marge . this is so sad . in his homeland , dad was a nuclear engineer . oh , i was short staffed and your father volunteered . actually , i was wondering if you two might want to lend a hand . no , . you want to make american kids work . youre supposed to be driving me to a tennis class i said i wanted , then i changed my mind and i hate it so much im faking stomachaches to get out of it . would it kill one of you to wash a bell pepper . um , im not sure this is the best use of my skills . i said wash . and , bart , go work the deep fryer . well , if ill be doing this when im might as well start now . im home . guys , this is gonna be hard for a while . but well get through this as a family . yes , we will . the simpsons and old uncle gil . uh , gil . ive been meaning to tell you youre fired . yeah , well , guess i had it coming . can i take some bologna heels . as many as you like . you sure . take them . aw , yeah . its a big ol fat one . the best things in life are free but you can give them to the birds and bees i need money thats what i want thats what i want thats what i want thats what i want thats what i want thats what i want thats what i want your love give me such a thrill but your love dont pay my bills i need money thats what i want thats what i want thats what i want thats what i want good baby . oh , yeah . real good baby . good everybody . you wont believe it , but we actually turned a profit today . kids , were taking some shredded lettuce , pre sliced cheese and cold cuts , and turning them into the american dream . uh , guys , what the hell is that . theyre opening another mother hubbard . across the street .  . how could they . how could they .  . chief wiggum move , . eh , chief , uh , who are you fooling with this one sandwich a day diet . its on whole wheat , lou . cleans up your insides . im gonna sit next to it . how could they open another franchise so close to me . dont worry , marge . they cant beat us . because were family run . aah . hillbillies . okay , in you go , minimum wade , addem up, , oxycontin , fontanelle and pediculus . you make way for those thats nocturnal coming off the night shift . huh . mom , i need a few hours off . its milhouses birthday party and im all the guests . i understand , honey . did you get someone to cover . mm . grampa . im working the drive through . there is no drive through . no , thank coo . ah , finally  a customer . aah . simpson , why arent you at work . whoa , hold that famous temper , smithers . who is this . simpson , introduce me to this almond eyed beauty , and all is forgiven . uh , mr . burns , id like you to meet mother hubbard standee . from the wisconsin standees . milk fed, , yet so slim . permit me to play you a tune on my mouth organ . sir , maybe we should go . sorry you died . put the body with the others . whew . homer , if i ever seem that senile , get a gun and what are you doing with that gun .  . marge , have you ever seen pants do this . youre working so hard youve lost weight . were killing ourselves trying to run a restaurant no one goes to . ive never said this to you before , but im saying it now . im going to moes . now i know why you come here so much . no matter how sad you are inside , what you see looks worse . yeah . it was really hard for me to make this place look old but not in any way comfortable . now maybe some tv will cheer you up . if yous in the mood for a sammich , come on down to mother hubbards sandwich cupboard express , for all the sandwiches you love . bread sammich . yesterdays whats it with ketchup . and the thing what ate our chickens . brandine looks like a fox , but it aint . be sure to follow us on kinterest and critter . aw . yesterdays whats it . why does everyone go to them . its express , marge . yeah , with our busy lifestyle , we got to have express . aw . listen there , midge . i know how to get yous out of your contract . but i got to warn you will never work in the fast food industry again . go on . please . so , you see , ms . zengler , the mother hubbards express across the street is stealing all our business . its not fair . if you want fairness , work at a sunglass hut . this is the sandwich game . i dont understand you . i grew up in the pageant system . oh . now i completely understand you . im a litigious businessman , and i need a coffee to go . one jumbo joe to go . get the first aid kit . one florence nightingale in a box . and make it snappy . ow . i got this . ow . oh , why do these things happen to innocent victims . i was just about to become a million dollar crotch model . hey , . its not corporates fault . really . but the franchise agreement says mother hubbard inc . would provide adequate training for all employees , which they didnt . clause c  . you actually read this thing . it was written by two lawyers who had to keep waking the other one up . if youll just give me back my original investment , ill take full responsibility for this mans injuries . please tell me im still beautiful . all right , marge . youve got a deal . well , family , we should be proud . we took on corporate america and broke even . hear , . sir . i i think weve gone far enough to dispose of the body . dispose . oh . ive come here to pitch woo . doh . mmm . sandwich . shh . springfield . with special guest stars jennifer lawrence , warren beatty , john travolta , clint eastwood , george clooney , prince , taylor swift , sean penn , bruce springsteen , helen mirren , morgan freeman , james franco , kanye west and leonardo dicaprio . why . this has been a bad week , even for you , simpson . concrete in the sandbox . i dont get lost anymore . spreading the rumor that todays lunch would be served by a naked lady . move it . boobs . boobs . i want to see boobs in the soup . there is no naked lunch lady . bart made it up . yes , i i knew that . theres no hope for you , simpson . youll be locked in detention until you graduate to the penal system . penal . stop laughing . i said penal , not penile . penile . its not like you made me say penis . hmm . ow . oh . someone could get really hurt by this . stick your finger in that desk . really , bart . hmm , looks like ancient aramaic . fortunately , i have an app for that . hey . he who reads this rune translation will be taken to damnation . skinner simpson . both huh . were in hell .  . cool . now i can look up all those people who said see you in hell . hey , pal , what are you in here for . heresies , like docetism . docetism . the belief that jesus body was just an illusion . is that still big . haw haw . your heresies were venialized by the council of palermo . oh , shut up , shut up , shut up . weve got millipedes , toothheads , screaming torsos your bleeding eyes with finger legs . and all the girls are mean girls . red dress , how original . making fun of someones clothes . how original . huh . you want to walk with us . its true . it would be a cold day in hell when i was popular . huh . young man , wheres your hell pass . skin him . whoa . huh . hmm . so , what would be the appropriate eternal torture for someone who robbed a bank . uh someone who robs a bank . how would you punish them for all time . mm jeffistopheles . uh wh whipping . okay . good . no one likes to be whipped , but is there anything more connected to the sin . torture . what if you made the robber eat bags of money until his stomach exploded . good . very good . mm . psychological torment . pain plus fear . oh , can you all feel how much richer that is . you get a pumpkin sticker . ow . this has never happened before . i have a crush on my teacher . down here , we can make that happen . every time the sinner screams in pain , the scream blows this windmill , which pumps even more piranhas into his aquarium underwear , causing more screaming . wow . wow . oh , that is so evil . and i know evil . im head of the teachers union . bart , i found a portal back to earth . right here . no , . thats super hell . hot stuff . i didnt realize you were that evil . no , im being punished for how lame my comics were . i melted it . get it . welcome to earth . local time is . we know you have your choice of portals , so thank you for choosing the burns hellport , a division of gulf and western . mom , dad , i want to change schools . hmm .  . i found a place that really wants to teach me , and i really want to learn . homie , our prayers have been answered . keep your pants on , marge . its probably some private school that costs a million dollars a year , and then they squeeze you for extra money through book fairs and silent auctions . and parents get e mails a day from the school , and everyone hits reply all to everything . dad , its not a private school . its free . oh , thats fine then . i couldnt help noticing this school is located in im not one to judge , but , um ill say it , marge . its in hell . the inferno . perdition . arizona without the golf . no . we do have golf , but all the greens are tricky . no . look , as educators , our job is to gently nurture your childs passion . hmm . that is the kind of nonsense youre always falling for . mom , please tell me i can go to hell . well , i guess we could try it for a semester . thank you . thank you . thank you . you know , we have many opportunities for parent involvement . yeah , ill be sure to take a look at that . hell is for children and you know that their little lives can become such a mess hell is for children and you shouldnt have to pay for your love with your bones and your flesh hmm . no , hell is for children . now , students , its final exam day , and none of you wants to repeat the class like a certain student i dont want to embarrass . torture . uh beelzebart , youre first . and youre going to torment a very special sinner weve prepared just for you . homer . that thats my dad . i cant hurt him . no , boy . i want you to do it . what . why . bart , you went to hell and came back a winner , like jesus . now , come on , boy . pull me apart like string cheese . doh . doh . webster defines success as the action of achieving ones goals . dont you , webster . i dont care . why am i here . you changed the r e to e r in theater . i hate that . well , ill tell you who is supposed to be here  class mal edictorian, , beelzebart simpson . which ones yours . nice . moe that was me , when i was a young hoodlink , with me three bestest glugs , leonard , carlton and dum . we was narsty tastards , we were , even though we dressed like carol channings backup dancers . some days , wed employ a bit of the bash while having a go at the west end wiseguys oh , stop it . hey , pally , come on . hey , whats wrong with youse . oh , i was told this would be a verbal debate . oh . and cap off the night with a little of the ol in out . all in . out . in . out . in . out . in . out . moe everything was all fish and chippy until dum collected himself a twiggy wick . hello , little lamb . what say we go back to my place for a little of the old luther van . i cant fool myself , i dont want nobod oy . im getting hitched to this bluebird , and she wants me to give up the glug life . welly , well , . what sorry future could you have without your truest lunos by your side . dum got a job at the tower of london as a beefeater . i hope its what i think it is . moe who knew , my brothers , that when dum found his dumpling that was the end of our band of glugs . leonard and carlton informed me my leadership was no longer needed . ah . not the shard . not the shard . so i took up the respectable life of a sleazy barkeep . these eye clamps are the only way i can tolerate todays tv . tv announcer tonight on fox turn it off . ill be good . ill be good . theres been a terrible accident , sir . please grant me access to your home . are you kidding me . i invented that gag . please , sir . certainly a christian is required to completely unbolt his door . come on , you cant pull the wooly bull over my viddyballs . thats a bit of the old haw haw . not my shmoo . not my shmoo . those punks got no respect for them what come before . didnt even wear no codpieces . how do they expect to draw the eye to their chunky wunks . i need me glugs back for one last bit of barmy . no . you should not be out glugging , shin slicing, , or eye groining . weve got a sweet little toddle to take care of . enough of this quiet home life . its time to be a man again . after all these month os, , i hope we dont disremember how to dash and bash . lets start easy with a little walk into the jay . wait . i recognize those cops whats be whackin my gob topper . its leonard and carlton . you blokes want to join me for one last bit o noggin boggin . i saved your bowlers . hmm . hmm . moe once again , the glugs was hittin the streets all slow motion like  and just as scarifyin and intimidato as ever . hey , keep up . moe we put nasties in a hat and selectoed out one . hey , what kind of whoo hoo is this . welcome to the most frustrating , befuddling and , yes , erotic book release party youve ever attended . sir , are you done with my bird mask . oh , i dont think you want to wear it now . ill be the judge of that . come on , me glugs . lets show these nectarinoes were still the best at what we do beatin up old people and bare naked ladies . get them , becostumed weirdos . sex view blockers , keep blocking . ill , uh , ill let you finish . i thought i left my iphone here . oh . even i forget what this is a reference to . moe and so , o my brothers , i was beaten , i was bruised , i couldnt score at an orgy . but i was happy . all right , lets burn this , lets rewrite everything , and , uh , lets start all over . ow . stupid blood  asking me for a favor . homer , look what someone left in the kitchen . frosty chocolate milkshakes . dad , the tvs screwed up . it only plays married with children . aw , peg , youre sick . let me call dr . kevorkian . we havent had sex in four years , al . now im the one who needs kevorkian . voices our house . this house is haunted . the milkshakes have vanished . hmm . what . homie , i think were not alone . i was sleeping in the dryer and got caught in your sheets . ill go make up the couch for you . whoa , marge , that was fast . yeah , thats it , baby . grab my chest with your cold , icy hands . the bed is lifting me . the elevator at work cant even do that . i demand you put me down right after the sex . doh . all right , show yourselves in the name of this book . doh . oh . the power of chrysler compels you . what are you , cavemen . turn on the lights . hey . a little respect . take a picture  itll last longer , man . hey , if youre homer simpson , show me your drivers license . well , i traded it to a kid for a bite of his sandwich . he is me . noble spirits , your time has passed . that was unmotivated . dont have a cow , man . shut up . ay , caramba . homer , do something . why is it always me . i work hours a week , you know . she doesnt know what a good thing shes got . i like a man who can relax . not like grumpy lumpy there . quit makin cracks . speaking of cracks , pull up your pants , dude . ill crack you . what kind of afterlife is this . cant even strangle my dead kid . so yeah , things arent perfect with the missus and me , and , uh , by the way , nice melons . those are in the kitchen . doh . i cant believe you wasted our money on fruit . homer simpson . can you be more specific . mmm . theres no reason to be jealous . its just younger you . oh . so , he likes ghosts better , eh . fine . hmm . might as well clean this while im killing myself . hmm . well , hello ho . aah . a ghost . i feel like a ghost , the way you havent been paying attention to me . plus , im dead . dont yell at me  im a double widower . but i can handle all the ghosts you can float at me . wont the other homer be a problem . heh . i think he gets it . see . he you stupid what the . oh . mmm , i smell toast . well , i guess you and i are in charge now , bart . but if we split the chores , im sure that we c what are you doing .  . sayonara , sucker . oh , no , youre not leaving me to clean this up . whoo hoo . im the last of the simpsons . in i . q . only . huh . groundskeeper willie thank you . willies got stew for the winter . wait a minute  who killed maggie . this is all your fault , homer , for wanting somebody new . i just wanted the woman i married . i never realized you had so much work done . simpsons , please . this fighting solves nothing . dr . marvin monroe .  . are you alive or dead . im in some horrible limbo . i can walk halfway through walls , then i get stuck . uh oh . now im gonna have to look at that every morning . well , i think youre helping us make progress . thank you . lets not fight anymore . lets just make him decide between us . choose me because im not bitter yet , i can stay up later , and youre on my mind all the time . hmm , marge number two , how would you win my whoopie . those are great reasons , but theres one reason you should choose me because i know everything youve done , and yet i still want to be with you . that is so beautiful . youre right , marge  i could never leave you , not even for you . if there was a dot or a squiggle different , that would be too much . oh , homie . oh , homie . its time to cut the treacle , man . why , you little . mmm i just had a worrisome thought . if there can be two incarnations of the simpsons , why couldnt some evil marketing entity produce millions of others . all right , simpsons , welcome to our new home . yo , santas little helper is in da house . mmm . doh . okay , hold still . this is the last picture on the roll . isnt it about time you went digital . watch your mouth , you little smart ass . original lisa yeah , bart . nothings gonna ruin this one . here we go . here we go . here we go . homer doh . springfield . pork chops with gravy . wait . but todays not pork chop tuesday . or gravy thursday . i also set up some mirrors so you could watch hockey fights while you eat . whoo hoo . oh , i love canadian on violence . oh , baby , this is so great . thank you so much . im just happy youre happy . wait a minute , thats not something people really feel . whats going on . well , i do have a favor . patty and selma came home early from their vacation , but the cleaners still havent gotten all the black mold out of their apartment . so they need a place to stay . here . paris was a bust . they wouldnt even let us see the mona lisa . they kept yelling , la joconde . her smile will die . no , marge , no . you cant invite a couple of riddlers to stay in the bat cave . you ate the food and looked in the mirrors . theyre staying . hmm . oh , honey , one teensy problem with this plan . im a teensy bit concerned about them smoking around the children . you know , their lungs are so teensy . mwah . mwah . hmm . he has a point . no , . no , we dont have to smoke . we can stop whenever we want . see . okay , how about this  if you catch us smoking in the house , even one time , you can throw us out on the street . you know what . i trust them not to smoke . and if you trust them , i trust them , too . safety first . screw this . well just go outside . nature is gods ashtray . bad news , bears . forecast calls for nothing but rain . here we go . problem solved . electric cigarettes . choke on our harmless fumes . hmm . well , if you fall asleep with them , will you even burn to death . both uh uh . oh . they call these cigarettes . they dont stain my fingers , my hair smells like hair , and what do i stub out in my scrambled eggs . sure , its got the nicotine , but wheres the tar . wheres the stab from every breath that reminds me im alive . no smoke detector . lets roll . wait , . turn on the faucet so no onell get suspicious . aha . i gotcha . you cant resist smoking in the house any more than i can resist drinking in the car . what happened . i dont know . the water caught on fire . and now i banish you from paradise . im glad i never bothered to learn which one of you is which . please , show some compassion for two good people who just cant stop smoking . hmm . i know just the place . oh . tobacco . who needs paris . this is our city of lights . flaming tap water . i saw something about that in a documentary . sad . sad . sad . sad . sad . sad . sad . sad . sad . cute . this one . male narrator in this rural community , hydraulic fracturing , or fracking , was greeted as a windfall . by pumping high pressure liquid into underground shale deposits , fracking releases natural gas , but can lead to devastating environmental consequences . yep , used to be you could try burning your water all day and nothing would happen . henry , did you remember to turn off the slip n slide . well , i reckon not . i think someone is fracking under our neighborhood . and i know who . its you , mr . texan . oil wasnt enough  now youre going after our natural gas . aw , now , aint nothing natural about gas . if you cant dance in it , i aint drilling for it . i dont do this for the money , its the dancing . its always been the dancing . all right . bart oh , man . he made us watch him dance for three hours , and he really only has one move . if someone was fracking in our neighborhood , wouldnt we know it . maybe a satellite picture will give us a clue . hmm , this is clearly a fracking site . how are they keeping people away . aw , its a terrific sport shh . this whole building is just a facade for a drilling operation . indeed it is . evergreen terrace is built atop a massive shale deposit . think of it  all that poor natural gas trapped underneath your shanties and lean tos . smithers , give these two brats what they deserve for sticking their noses in my business . stopping mr . burns may be beyond the power of an eight year girl with a book report due on beezus and ramona , but i know someone who can help the first female speaker of the state assembly , a politician who would never ignore a fellow environmentalist in need , my hero , maxine lombard . charge the electric limo  were going to springfield . what about your cool down period . what about it .  . lisa . motorcade . assemblywoman lombard . you got my e mails . ill go anywhere , anytime , to defend our precious bay area values . terrible . just shocking . d does anybody have a baby we can hold near the flames . i guess i do . im gonna hit this mr . burns with a politicians most powerful weapon an invitation to a committee hearing . mr . burns , do you admit that you illegally pump toxic chemicals into the groundwater below evergreen terrace . i dont recall . mr . burns . have you no regard for the life and health of your fellow human beings . i dont recall . you cant drill underneath peoples homes without their permission . as chairwoman of this committee on energy , natural resources and blimp safety , your fracking operation is hereby shut down . i demand to see that capitalism castrating suffragette this instant . you havent bested me . i will find a way to shatter that shale . what makes men like you think you can do whatever you want to our planet . maybe the planet wants a strong man to take her by the hand and lead her . you dont know what the planet wants . oh , and i suppose you do . the planet wants to be protected and nourished and maybe even kissed . mwah . wait a minute , im not having a stroke , am i . no . am i . i dont think so . oh , good . you . me . this was all a mistake  an impulsive reckless knee buckling spat snapping spanx shredding mistake . oh , it was great . best ive ever had . and that includes nellie taft . so , monty , shall we find a way to continue this purely passionate affair . but youre a softhearted liberal . and youre a hard hearted capitalist . enemies by day , lovers by night . mmm mwah . now , get out of my office . as soon as i collect my things . uh , derringer , sword cane , derringer cane , sword derringer . all right , its all here . if i want to resume fracking , i have to buy the mineral rights for every single parcel of land in evergreen terrace . to win people over , ill need a salesman whose folksy facade masks a deep gusher of greed . hmm . congratulations , simpson . youre now my chief energy innovation marketing officer . whoo hoo . all youve got to do is sell fracking to your friends and neighbors . whoo hoo . i dont know , fracking is one of those scary lisa words . bah . fracking produces enough clean natural gas to make america independent of sheiks , caliphs and scandinavians . not to mention , it doesnt create any of that awful worker mutating nuclear waste . homer , game starts in an hour . dont forget to set your fantasy lineup . thanks , charlie . maybe fracking isnt so bad . then say yes to this raise , this promotion and this flannel shirt , which says im not screwing you over . im not screwing you over . no , uh , im not screwing you over . im not screwing you over . im so proud of you , papa . some folks will tell you that frackings no good , but what they dont tell you is , hydraulic fracturing creates jobs . and all those new workers are gonna want to spend their earnings buying what youre selling  beer . authentic italian food . useless left handed crap . magical nonsense . expensive toys for grown ups they dont open or play with . pornography and nachos . high quality spanish language programming . high quality methamphetamines . laundry , homework , pranks , poop , and poop . but our water was on fire . how could you sell fracking for mr . burns . cause ive never gotten a promotion before . once i thought i had , but it turned out to be a beautifully worded firing , so judge me all you want . i am judging you . good . judge away . judge , . dont care . dont care . judge , . dont care . dont care . judge , . judge , . dont care . dont care . pumping frack cash . its a gas cash blast . residents of evergreen terrace are undecided whether to sell their mineral rights to mr . burns . mr . burns is a vampire sucking the lifeblood of this town and lining his coffin with cash . oh , maxine , no one insults me in a sound bite the way you do . oh , monty , youre such a sexy little nosferatu . same time tomorrow night . ill bring the oxygen . better bring two tanks . hmm . frink and so , we see a clear correlation between industrial hydro compounds and water table contamination well outside the margin of error . mr . simpson , rebuttal . everyone who signs over their mineral rights to mr . burns gets . money is like a job you dont even have to do . ay , dinero . signing stu . i think my arguments were more cogent  bo hyvik . what .  . cogent  bo hyvik . mr . burns , we did it . everyone in the neighborhood sold us their gas rights . hmm . excellent . no , . its excellent . its excellent . uh , maybe you can help me , simpson . youve had a relationship or two in your life . well one . i have embarked on a beneficial friendship with a woman with whom i have nothing in common . her opinions are abhorrent to me , but the passion . well , look at these racy texts she sends me . oh , baby . how long can i sustain this high wire act of loathing and lust . well , im no carl when it comes to this stuff , but i aint no lenny , neither . and i would say no matter how much you try to keep things casual , someone always gets hurt . hmm . well , then i must harden my heart against such an outcome . i appreciate the counsel , simpson . now , please trap door yourself out . glad i could be of help . do you have the signed gas leases . burns hold on . this feels light . ah . one of these deeds is missing a signature . the gas rights transfer form for evergreen terrace was never signed by marge simpson . marge , why didnt you sign . our water was on fire . im sorry , but the law states that unless every single resident sells their rights , burns cant frack drop one . all oh . oh , i was counting on that money to pay for my other calf implant . yuck . i already felt the pride of energy independence . marge simpson , im as mad at you as you usually are at me . hmm . cheer up , monty . all you lost was money , but what you get is me . all i lost was money . let me make one thing perfectly clear . our dalliance meant nothing to me . you were but a sprig of parsley garnishing my beefsteak . now i cast you aside for the busboys to gnaw upon . considered this ill conceived affair terminated . i played this just perfectly . oh , yeah , great . great , marge , great work . thanks to you , springfield will never be a natural gas boomtown , and like all boomtowns , it would have lasted forever . oh . our water was on fire . oh . was on fire . was . i finally got a job i was good at , and now i have to give it up . so , youve come begging not to be fired . smithers , turn my back on this man . maximum huff . wait , mr . burns . im here to man up . it was all my wifes fault . sometimes i think she and i have nothing in common . nothing in common , eh . tell me more . marge likes sushi . i like gum that squirts in your mouth . shes into romantic comedies . i like movies where theres only one day a year when murder is legal . yup , marge and i see the world in totally different ways . hmm . different , exactly . thats why i had to give my woman the old heave ho . so , you dont miss that politics lady at all . not for one chinese second . and im sure shes forgotten all about me . killdozers . whatever are you doing , man .  . were tearing down this place and putting up a recycling center , slash native american history museum , slash condor sanctuary . hmm . a project this bloated and ill thought out could only be the work of an angry liberal . maxine . my ex is using the thing i hate most against me  big government . stop this ribbon cutting . this is private property . whats the matter , mr . burns . never heard of eminent domain . youre just doing this to get back at me for dumping you . that is ridiculous . the antonin scalia bedroom . its a national public radio broadcast center now . who are you . im robert siegel , and this is all things considered . stop laying about , you . theres work to be done . or gravy thursday . if that woman thinks shes been scorned now , she aint seen nothing yet . its fracking time . is one of the side effects of fracking earthquakes . yes . what are you doing . youre destroying this neighborhood . just like you destroyed my mansion . i dont know what i ever saw in you , planet ruining monster . likewise , you planet saving succubus . homer , turn off that horrible machine . you dont know anything about hydraulic fracturing . youve just been brainwashed by liberal tv shows who use fracking as an easy bad guy , but it can save this country . our water was on fire . wait . i finally get what youre saying . fracking is great , but the only place it should ever happen is in other peoples towns . hmm . you always do the right thing sort of . what is he doing . he was furious at that woman , now hes embracing her . he told me himself they had nothing in common . nothing except passion . mm . i was a fool to break up with you , maxine . im sorry i turned your home into a liberal paradise . you think we could make us work . i dont know . were pretty different . but weve got passion , and as long as weve got that , our lives will never get boring . mmm . well , theres free jazz on saturdays at the art museum . now they say omega  pills are bad for you . my sisters dog had puppies . what kind . what kind of what . what kind of dog does your sister have . i dont know . what color drawer pulls did you want . nickel or brush nickel . oh , i wish wed bought the more expensive theater tickets . ill never see anything in row bb . theres a sale on lawn furniture at the lawns plus . why are all cars black or gray now . its like if you see a red one , its a big deal . im thinking about wearing a watch again . shh . springfield . wiggle in . get comfortable . hey , a couch is a couch . oh , yeah . yes , there , you see . oh , yeah . oh ho . thats so homer whoo hoo . skinner uh , students , each one of you has been assigned the mandatory honor of contributing to the springfield time capsule , where your arcana will lie dormant until the st century . and by the time you finish talking , were gonna be opening this damn capsule . right . time capsule . nelson , give me something . i brought a picture of my dad . hes still at large in my heart . i brought my lucky rabbits foot . i can have good luck without it . ow . wish we could put this moment in the time capsule . consider it done . uh , how about you , bart . let me guess  you forgot to bring something . im offended you think i forgot . lets see . ta da . listen , boy , this is the only legacy youll ever leave . better make this count . my sandwich . and so a thousand years from now this capsule will be opened by some future mayor quimby . that that could be anyones ooze . there . and now , to help secure the jazz vote , lisa simpson will play her saxophone . even god hates jazz . kent brockman a mysterious electrical storm is currently wreaking havoc with our studio . but im not one of those brainless dolts who mindlessly reads a teleprompter er error backslash colon reset c drive shutting down . what the hell was that . probably just another piece of americas space junk falling out of orbit . remember when this country didnt suck . cause i dont . homer , i think theres someone downstairs . relax , marge . its probably just homer coming home late from moes . hmm . oh , the eyes in that picture are following me . uh , thats a mirror . isnt all great art kind of a mirror . wed better send the dog down . come on , heres your chance to protect us , boy . come on . c aah . stupid dog . ow . male voice ow . well have to set a trap , bait  i mean , bart . homer all set . when he starts gnawing at you , ill whack him with this broom . hmm . oh . dont drink my loved ones . oh . bite my shiny metal ass . a robot . with a catchphrase . hey , homer , you gonna kiss him or kill him . all right . tether boy . okay , so , what are you . must be a secret government project . whoa , what do i look like , a narc . my name is bender , and i come from the future . prove it . what happens to homer simpson in the future . i dont know . you die . oh my god . hes telling the truth . i have to take you to our civic leaders . hey , hibachi head , how are you gonna pay for that . uh , let me just transfer some , uh , electronic hyper  credits into your register here . ding da . oh , and , uh , another round for my friends . ding da da ding . hey , this blade rummy is all right . hes a big spender , plus he fixed the jukebox . i think they had a thing going . oh , baby , what you done to me i hate it when they get quiet . listen , uh , i know youre a robot and incapable of emotion its true . im empty inside . uh , look , i just want to ask , can we be friends . youre the only guy i know with less hair than me . sure . thats why i came to your time  for all you know . others for all we know . doh . a , uh , strike . a totally legitimate strike . yeah . hey , uh , whats the robot version of bro mance . ro mance . you future guys have a word for everything pal . you know , they look a little similar . yeah . like the guy who designed bender just took a drawing of dad and stuck an antenna on it . lisa a little lazy , if you ask me . regardless , i see no reason to believe that bender is from the future . robotic technology today is very advanced . oh , really . can your modern day robots do this . its not my birthday  although maggies is pretty soon . i cant do maggie . the gs look like sixes . this is the robot who claims to be from the future . can your present day robots do this . uh , no , they cannot . not sure why theyd want to  gorbid . now , why are you here . what is your mission , uh , so to speak . i dont remember . man , this guy doesnt ask permission  he just goes right in you . eh aha . benders mission protocol is definitely intact . it just requires a delicate procedure known as unplug and re plug . because that fixes everything . i remember why im here . to kill homer simpson . my ears are burning . not yet , but they will be . a boxing glove . but we bowled together . aw , i cant do it . what stopped you , bender , asimovs three laws of robotics . you think robots care what some hack science fiction writer thinks . i killed isaac asimov on the way over here . well , isaac somebody . what the . my ass is about to project something . you dont have to announce it . just do it quietly and blame the dog . bender , weve just regained contact . have you killed homer simpson . uh , yep . killed him good . if homers dead , why are the creatures he begat still here and multiplying out of control . what the . you lied to me , bender . homer simpsons still alive . come on , bender , stabbity stabbity . wait . stop . why must you kill my dad . especially when cheeseburgers are doing the work for you . homer simpson must be eliminated immediately . the creatures destroying new york have his dna . the monsters are stealing our office supplies . thats inexcusable . gah . um hello , robot . looks like everyone gets a turn to say something . this concludes my turn . we sent bender back in time to kill homer before the monsters could evolve from him . apparently , this was too heartless a task for a robot . leela , can you handle it . in a new york minute . ow . ow . right in my language center . professor , y youre a fellow man of science . maybe if we teamed up , we could , uh , figure something out . okay . eh , but remember , to me youre incredibly stupid . oh , and the annoying girl may be helpful . meanwhile , leela , take homer and explore this time period . find out why people would ever pay for freemium games . ill explain . okay , it starts free , right . then you visit your friends game , and hes got this awesome candy mansion get a load of those freaks . and youre like , cents .  . you bet id like one . and thats why i owe clash of candies . here we are . marge , id like you to meet leela and fry . marge oh , dont mention her eye . dont mention her eye . leela dont mention her hair . dont mention her hair . i am so pleased to meet you . nice to be hair . oh , lord . professor farnsworth , im dying to know how you got here . was it a time machine . little girl , time machines are physical impossibilities . we teleported through a singularity that i quantum entangled to bender under the guise of fixing his collar . yes , but how did bender get here . with a time machine . but you just said that samples ready . kill all humans . kill all humans . start with flanders . start with flanders . good news , everyone . that means its bad . the human dna in the creatures was only half homers . the other half came from someone else . oh , so we can kill that person instead . maybe theyre evil and deserve it . or have one of those annoying voices that gets on everybodys nerves , with the adding extra noises for no reason . myveen . bloingy . and the other person is homer oh , whos that . its me . wait a minute . we dont have to kill you . oh , well , thats better . we just have to kill all your children . or just one of them . if you can figure out which one sired the killer rabbits . we interrupt this hologram to bring you an important bulletin . the horrific creatures destroying new york have begun metamorphosing . eat my shorts . ay , caramba . ay , caramba . what a surprise . its bart . bart wow , im doing the same jokes a thousand years later . ay , caramba . but how did a mere boy destroy the future . well bart let this be a lesson . never throw meaningless crap in a time capsule . thats it . all we have to do is dig up the time capsule . and bury bart in the hole . i thought people in the future would be more full of peace and love . like in epcot center . in our time , epcot center is a work farm for the weak . oh , but its not as crowded as the slave labor camps at universal studios . homer were here . my bowling buddy . groundskeeper willie hey . you cant dig that up for a thousand years . plus , i wrote my name there . see . shmayday . shmayday . they got scruffy . nope . they just got my mustache . but a life without a mustache aint worth livin . farnsworth no . that generator powers the portal . if they destroy it , well be sucked back into the future . okay , head count . one , two , three wheres maggie . well , little meatbag , it looks like its just you and me . stuck in a terrible past where i know the result of every horse race ever . to the track . i want that . well , you cant have it . why , you little why , you little why , you little why , you little why , you little dad , its me . prove it . whens your birthday . february rd . ha . february has no rd . you yes , it does . can you please just get us out of this lousy future . actually , of all probable futures , this is the worst . it is , cause my babys not in it . motherly love . why did we outlaw that . madam , our mechanical friend bender is your portal home . but we cant use him until the generator is repaired . homer works at a nuclear plant . he can help us get home . oh , are you good at your job . i was voted employee of the month as an april fools day joke . why , you little why , you little great . you and fry can bumble around together while the rest of us give up and make peace with our various deities . as for me , im an atheist . oh , nobodys father , who art nowhere , i know you cant hear me , completely ignore this prayer . nothing art thou and nothing will thou ever be . jesus was just a man . all amen . well , i shall stay here for the decadence . theres no debauchery like end of debauchery . your lips , my lips , apocalypse , oh . i cant believe youre all giving up without a fight . lisa , were just a package delivery service . and not a very good one . the only way to handle the creatures is to do what we do to each years super bowl losers shoot them into space . but wed have to round them up first . let me take care of that . if theres one thing i know how to do , its manipulate bart . youre nuts . ive got a will of iron . okay , lets get going . dad , we have beer in our time . hey , i havent had a drink in a thousand years . theres a horse called benders bounty . but my memory says he died during the race . that cant be true . announcer and way , back is benders bounty . damn it . oh , chief , it looks like a robot killing horses over there . oh , a lou , cant you just let me enjoy my day off . w why are you dressed in your uniform , then . cause theyre the only clothes that fit me . you happy . happy . lisa attention , goblins . madison cube garden is filled with butterfinger bars . and people are laying fingers all over them . theyre evolving . wow . thats a first for you , bart . will you shut up . uh , did i remind you to strap yourselves in . you realize youre cheering the death of millions of my children . wow , its working . i guess the instructions were in english . what the whoa . hey , heres a souvenir photo of you guys coming out of my chest . aw , i will treasure this forever . lie detected . oh , my sweet baby . oh , feels like you have a full diaper . oh , um , ill change her . heres your cut . nice knowing you , meatbags . have fun turning to dust . wait , . youre the portal . how are you gonna get to the future . the old fashioned way . good night , friend . youll always have a special place here with us . thanks , pal . look at this mess . it would have disintegrated upon entry if someone hadnt turned off the atmosphere last night . i like it cold when im sleeping . besides , these horrible earth creatures are delicious . the johnsons will be here for dinner any minute . what happened to the handsome man i married . i ate him , remember . here they are . uh , hmm hope were not interrupting anything . i cant take any more . i i cant take it . well , perhaps the one of you that is female should go console her . two three homer simpsons in the future space jokes flying through sound what are those tubes . i wonder what ice creams like now maybe its hot or some new temperature they invented . thats it , were done . shh . springfield . we missed halloween . doh . oh . chalmers ah , . id like to welcome all of the principals from the springfield school district , including skin ner . wein berg . sack ett . and gwendolyn hertz feld . we are here for the annual dance of the lemons , where each of you gets to trade your worst teacher to another school . the unions happy , the parents are placated , and only the children suffer . chalmskinn . behold your lemons . sociopathic child haters who are only teachers because they got tenure after two short years . thats mean . you know what you are . uh , first lemon from springfield elementary , going to west springfield , third grade teacher , sticky fingers stella . now , going to springfield elementary god have mercy . seymour , your new teacher is everybody pray . this is a public school . i said pray . mr . lassen is here . no smoking . so , mr . lassen , you began your career at shelbyville prep . it seems that certain wealthy parents didnt like seeing their precious darlings duct taped to the wall . mm hmm . and then you entered the public system . thats where i got this scar . what scar . oh , i see youre left handed . so , that concludes my evaluation . enjoy fourth grade . so , any dirt on the new teacher . is he stingy with the pumpkin stickers . does he have ocd . ocd . ocd . i dont know . but in ten minutes , im gonna have him kneeling before zod . in this example , im zod . when he opens the door thats kind of scary , but it doesnt make me pee my pants . hello . im mr . lassen . you mean mr . less than . so , a comedian , are you . i got a pretty solid ten minutes . well , i could do five minutes on your pathetic vest and five minutes on your ugly buck teeth . and ive got a whole hbo specials worth on your fat mama . my mom cant afford to be fat  shes an exotic dancer . oh . and in what exotic location does she dance . a touch of class . but the c l fell off . son , there was never a c l . i i think i always knew that . bart , this guy served two tours in middle school . abort prank . i will not . anything to delay a spelling test . looks like ive got a prankster on my hands . you know , son , school code says a students hair should be of uniform length . what are you gonna do to him . quiet smellson . smellson . i prayed no one would ever think of that . bart ay , caramba . how was your first day at school , bart . terrible . you want to talk about it . no . oh , thank you . why are you wearing your hat at dinner . this new teacher i got gave me a haircut . marge hmm . a haircut . let me see . no . come on . please . no , youll laugh at me . i wont laugh at you . lets see . look at me . im bart . were sorry . stop that , all of you . its not barts fault that his haircut looks so stupid . i didnt know that a teacher could cut kids hair . teachers union won the right in their last strike . im going to go to that school and talk to that teacher . marge , please dont say anything . it never makes a difference , and then the teachers give us stink eye during the school fairs . well , if hes gonna get a haircut , bart should at least have gotten a balloon with it . well , anyway , bart , youll cheer up on our camping trip this weekend . what camping trip . the one you booked for us at owl haven . the one you have to reserve a year in advance . oh , uh , you told me not to do it a year ago . remember . i dont remember that . youre right . no one can be expected to remember something from a year ago . certainly not me . pass the gravy . dont tell me you didnt reserve a campsite . labor day is next weekend . therell be nothing left . hey , theres always room at buzzards roost . excuse me , but buzzards roost is a converted parking lot . excuse me , but grass is poking through . why do i ever put you in charge lisa parking lot . of the littlest thing . homer poking through . lisa parking lot . homer poking through . my biggest sin is that i dare to hope . oh , marge , i cant stand it when you cry at dinner . the pork chops look traumatized . the mashed potatoes cant stand to watch . even the children seem upset . so trust me , i will come through for you , baby . not you . so what do you say , marge . i want so much to believe you . and i want you to believe me , too . isnt it great how much we agree . looks like our blackboard has been defaced . lucky for you , i can take a joke . lisa hello . hello . is everything okay . milhouse heres millie . excuse me , you ruined my report . fine . you got an a . lisa oh . yippee . fourth grade a . you might fool some people , el barto , but not me . now were gonna learn about electricity . hey , live wire . come up here . touch the generator . even i think this is too far . quiet , smellson . its sticking . i just need to get to . milhouse , im gonna get back at lassen . now , the hobbit taught us that every dragon has a chink in its armor . it also taught us that new zealands beautiful landscapes and attractive tax credits add up to a filmmakers paradise . for more information , to find out lassens weakness , i hid a camera in the teachers lounge . ach . wrong order . you seem lonely and kind of weird . you left out single . mind if i heat up some goulash . lets continue this online . ive created a fake ms . hoover profile . when lassen friends her , well know everything about him . i dont know , bart . youre lying about your identity . thats against the terms and conditions . weve all read the terms and conditions , milhouse . look , i really need a campsite . my wife is making sandwiches . sorry , reservations are a year in advance . what about mosquito cove . booked . skunk canyon . booked every year since . oh , how about the campsite where the guy in the hockey mask kills all the campers . sir , thats a movie . homer hello . hello . this is homer simpson . evergreen terrace . looking for a place for my kids and me . and my pretty , wife . you know , alarm code .  . so i hear youre getting back at lassen . maybe i am . so . you got to do it , man . he preys on the weak . now , give me your lunch money . ill take that . heres lassens profile . milhouse what the . bart tagged as lassen . it says these were taken at blazing guy . whats blazing guy . oh , thats convenient . helloha . do you want to make your home in a self sustaining city that only exists a few days a year . one that combines nudity , dust storms , children and all consuming fires . then you , my bro or brah , are dreaming of blazing guy . on the last day , the chosen one , or ignis , sets fire to the giant wooden guy in a ritual dating back to . the blazing guy council of elders , in conjunction with duraflame , is very pleased to announce that this years ignis is jack lassen . so if we go there with a camera to film lassen humiliating himself , ill get revenge for him making me into this . i was trying to even it out . youre starting to look like your dad . no . im lucky . i look just like my mom . gosh , that was a hard sleeping bag to roll up . those were your fathers sweatpants . marge , i have a confession to make about this trip . dad , dont worry . i got you a place . hmm . once again , ive been saved from any consequences . itll keep happening till one day i create a mess so enormous it cant be cleaned up . thanks , boy . a camping we will go but where . i still dont know a place thats filled with sun and sand a desert steampunk disneyland keep expectations low swing low , sweet chariot hmm . homer simpson , i love you . oh . a world of anarchic free expression . cars shaped like cupcakes . im home . im home . no , dont blow me out , wise guy . not in the mood . im not sure this campground is family friendly . all camping is pointless . you drive hundreds of miles to shower and sleep in a place with no bathroom or beds . i guess what im trying to say is wheres maggie . we brought cheerios for you . now , you know the wind does kick up here . hope you went three feet down with your tent stakes . uh , listen here , desert arnaz . homer simpson knows how to pitch a tent . hey man , can i bum a tent . you seem stressed . have some calming tea . finally . a normal person . ah . thank you , miss , um calypso self knowledge . is that tea adulterated . does that look like something id do . homer hey , marge . we got a new tent from a guy who just o . d . d . aw , let me get a picture of that . both aw . i think smittys still inside . oh , too bad hes missing this . so many musical choices . a brass band . barbershop quintet . the human kazoo . oh , a drum circle . uh can i help you , freak . no . bart there he is . his nipples are asymmetrical . this could ruin him . milhouse , everyone here is a total freak . we have to find a way to completely humiliate lassen . get a picture of a restaurant check with no tip , put it online , say it was him . kaboom , hes finished . mmm . oh . suddenly this place doesnt seem so bad . this place is great . just have to avoid these inseam high cactuses . hup , . doh . oh . are you mr . clean . compared to the rest of these people , yeah . so give the tooth fairy my forwarding address , cause its pretty loose . about time . its the only phone . you dont count . maybe we should just give up on lassen . no . this ignis thing is the biggest deal of his life . and im gonna wreck it . because he scarred me forever . hey , it grew back . a little better , even . so full and lush . enough . mmm . its like someone ironed out all the wrinkles in my brain . get in the tent . doh . oh , you always save me , trombone elephant . hmm . bart fire retardant . if lassen cant light that thing , hell be humiliated . what good is an ignis who cant blaze the guy . im scared , bart . and i am never scared . hideous . these kids are gonna ruin the ceremony . its too bad im just an illusion . homie , you promised me an incredible camping trip , and i got one . just like i planned . you got very lucky this time . dont push it . i understand . i already signed up for this place next year . i gave my form and cash to that dude . doh . ignis , approach the burning man . i mean blazing guy . get the job done . youre not helping . strip him of his nudity . you . maybe we wont have blazing guy , but we can still have blazing boy . what , uh help me , desert weirdos . ill take those . beware the butterflys sting . what the . form a human prison and hold him for five days . no . wait , how many days . hey , listen , we should probably get home . my dad forgot to bring water . whoa . when will this tea get out of my system . haw haw . what the . according to this file from blazing guy secret security , your behavior was so egregious we can do something that weve never done before fire a teacher . hand in your red pen . oh . not gonna pass fingernail inspection tonight . so where do you go from here . a place where my talents will be appreciated . all right , lights out . you , too , freak . you hate him , too . with every fiber of whats left of my wretched soul . we should team up . i can get you out of here . a partner . intriguing . who gets to gut him like a little pot bellied salmon . i assumed wed take turns . no deal . shh . springfield . well , if aint my next door neighbor , king toot . moe . how many times i got to tell you not to throw your trash in my dumpster . oh , come on , szyslak . i got to make space in the store for my new side business  a tanning salon that secretly has cameras in the beds , which feeds into my web site , that is registered . yeah , sounds great . maybe then you could afford to rent your own dumpster . i like my current deal . free . of . charge . ill eat your hair . you call that a testicle kick . all right , you two , break it up . drive on , asphalt cowboy , or ill squeeze his brain out like an edamame . eh , uh , a what . those beans you eat before your sushi comes . oh , salt peas . i call them salt peas . look , officer , after years of being neighbors , tempers sometimes flare up . moes a good guy . no , its my fault . im a hothead . i aint got no beef with you , toot . you better stay out of my dumpster . ive also been stealing the catalogs out of your mailbox . its my dumpster . and thats the terrifying tale of how the quebec nordiques became the colorado avalanche . oh , no . king toots is closed . dad , youre going to have to take me to the big box music store . look at all these monstrosities . homer lisa , how many times have i told you to bow down to our corporate overlords . hmm . hmm . homer its like some kind of guitar central . hmm . hmm . hmm . midlife crisis at oclock . mm hmm . okay , let me guess , dude . youre an axman youre looking to score a new blade . stig . youve got a name thats not a name . so whats your poison , bro . les paul . straight up gibson . no , classic strat , am i right . oh , i dont have what it takes to play guitar . i mean , im no joe walsh in the brains department . who is . look , you dont have the weak , womanly fingers of a guitar princess . you , my friend , have the muscular stumps of a bass man . try this on . what the rock . now that was a lick . i did a lick . keep them coming . yes , now bob your head . bob it , bob it , bob it . dude , usually it takes years to learn such neck confidence . now check this out . oh , my god . im amazing . dude , youre already one of the greatest bass players of all time . okay . now oh , how are you set for stage lights . im not set at all . oh , what about gels . this is embarrassing to admit , stig , but i havent even thought about gels . what is that racket .  . music . beautiful music . what .  . beautiful music , baby . the bass guitar . this doesnt really seem like you . sure it is . you know ive always loved laying things down . grooves are just the latest . i feel a powerful connection to the history of famous bass players . like whats his from the who . or that guy from led zeppelin who wasnt page , plant or bonham . those are the only two i know for sure . its so cool to have another musician in the family . oh , yeah , and you know what the great thing is about music . its so easy . uh , well , to truly master an instrument youll need years of so easy . oh . oh . marge i cant take it . all homer does is play that stupid bass . doink , . youre not alone , marge . a man gets older , has a career , a few kids , and suddenly theres a hole in his life that can only be filled by jamming . for my julius , it was the drums . timothy has that awful guitar . kirk just loves his keyboards . i never knew so many women suffered from extramarital jamming . oh , my god , oh , my god , oh , my god . what if all the dads jammed together in a dad band .  . that way they would play their horrible music in one garage at a time . marge , youre a genius . this menu was right  good things do happen at zerz . zerz . i dont know , guys . im not sure im feeling this . the bass is kind of known for being a solo instrument . what were our wives thinking . we probably dont even like the same tunes . on the count of three , everyone say their favorite kind of music . one , two , three all hard driving rock . dads , lets jam . garage bands rule . i almost forgot the most important thing . great practice , guys . what do you say we give it another six hours , then call it a day . apu excuse me , but my wife told me about your get out band . and , uh , perhaps you need a singer . oh , yeah , apu , im sure youre a great singer . but the balance of the band is really delicate right now , and were not really looking for a world music vibe . no disrespect to world music . i love world music . no , i will sing the classic power ballad hopin for a dream by my favorite band from the s , sungazer . okay , here we go . when i close my eyes i wish that i could fantasize pull a dream right out of the air take a chance , turn it into a prayer . that sounds nothing like terrible , world music . why is your voice different when you sing . it is because of all the years i spent at the kwik e where classic rock anthems were piped in on a never ending loop . the endless repetition drove many clerks to madness . the only way to maintain my sanity was to sing along until it seemed like our voices were one . hopin for a dream hopin focus like a laser beam ill keep fighting till i want something great hopin for a dream . guys , are you feeling this . are you feeling this . im feeling it . im definitely feeling it . i felt something earlier , but i was afraid to bring it up . i think we all felt something . we are more than just a garage band desperate to do anything other than hang out with our families . we are now a cover band . and we shall be called covercraft . because we play covers and this is our craft . and it sounds like hovercraft . that was not my intent . okay , covercraft , hands in . cover all craft . r o . okay , this crowd is about to experience the special magic of the cover band , the thrill of live music without the fear of hearing anything new . hmm . apu , whats wrong . what if , what if i am no good . this is the cabbage festival , man . i i dont know if i can face that crowd . buddy , . think of it this way youre not singing in front of all those people , youre alone at the kwik e in the middle of the night . you just wear this onstage , and everything will be fine . my uniform . all alone at the kwik e . when i close my eyes i wish that i could fantasize pull a dream right out of the air take a chance turn it into a prayer girl , you know i want to be the guy with a hunger burning deep inside tonight i wish upon a falling star to discover what my yearnings are everyone loves you , dad . you could become a famous rock star . well , son , i do have the talent . my mind is full of ideas for great songs i could write down the names of and then cover . but then i remember im just a regular guy , jamming with my buds . oh , sweetie . this band has brought out the best in you . yeah , you really get that its all about the music . yep . its all about the music . and it would take a pretty unforeseen development to change that . pretty unforeseen gentlemen , i think weve found what were looking for . homer guys , i really need your honesty here . at the squidport senior jamboree was i too in the pocket . kirk freddy freeman , shredder stevens , nick delacourt and peter dabbruzio  youre four of the five guys from sungazer . but wheres your lead singer , grant ledavid . uh , he passed away . how . what kind of erotic asphyxiation . oh apu , youre the only man on the entire internet whos got the pure sungazer sound . will you be our new lead singer and join us on our stadium tour . uh oh . oh . i think i can answer for apu . hes flattered , but the small time success of covercraft is all that any of us have ever wanted . uh , actually , i apu has a rich life here in springfield a store full of great products , a lovely him type wife , and eight super kids anoop , sandeep , nabendu , gheet , pria , uma , poonam , sashi shut your mouth , i want to do it . i want to do it . i want to be a singer for a real rock band . shredder stevens sun all gazer . gotta say , im kind of jealous of apu getting a break like that . not me . im nothing but happy that our friend is headed for fame and fortune . apu tonight we play las vegas  and the theme of the casino is circus . circus . ha . i want his fame and fortune so much . why must the lords of rock be so cruel .  . sammy hagar . youre not dead . damn it . i told you those jalapeo poppers had too much breading . sorry , seor hagar . nah , its cool , man . i went to rock star heaven . and there was this great back patio with this sweet fire pit . if you had the right wristband  which i did . news story in aisle three . local clerk , apu nahasapeemapetilon , is a dead ringer for a dead singer . hes living the rock star dream as front man for s chart toppers sungazer on their last final hell re freezes over ultimate good bye for serious this time never again part two of question mark tour . apu and the band appeared on saturday night live as the punch line in a game show sketch . whats a game show . something you make sketches about . kent brockman it looks like apu wont be playing the cabbage festival ever again . dad , you shouldnt be jealous of apu . remember , its all about the music . im not jealous . im envious . jealousy is when you worry someone will take what you have . envy is wanting what someone else has . what i feel is envy . hmm . wow , hes right . you know what . apu leaving is the best thing that ever happened to this band . were gonna be like genesis after peter gabriel left . you mean more popular but not as good . phil collins era genesis is not as good , huh . no reply at all , land of confusion , throwing it all away , illegal alien , i cant dance , and im sure i dont need to mention invisible touch . hmph . you know , we really could use a new lead singer . you know , ive been known to sing a little . what . so you can also get famous and bail on us . youre out of the band . well , you cant just kick him out . oh , so youre sticking up for yoko here . looks like ive got another yoko on my hands . how can there be two yokos . yoko . yoko . yoko . yoko . yoko . all you yokos are out of the band . are you okay . do i sound okay . you sound great . your licks are really juicy . theyre not juicy . my licks are dry . dry and scratchy like a cats tongue . you didnt join a band to become famous like in almost famous . you loved playing music with your friends . that was enough to make you happy . well , its not enough anymore . when something great happens to one person , everyone elses life gets a little worse . look it up , its called physics . apu is a good man . he sent over front row tickets and backstage passes to his show at the costington center . oh , you mean he generously invited us to come watch him be a rock star . stop feeling sorry for yourself . your friend had a wonderful thing happen to him , and you are coming with us to share in his talent . ill never have a per diem . you dont know what a per diem is . still want one . hmph . hmph . hmph . apu wouldnt be able to sing a note if i didnt help him get over his stage fright with his kwik e shirt . backstage pass , you just became a payback rage pass . look at all this rock star dressing room stuff . what a sellout . cheese plate oh , sorry , cubed cheese plate . lemon tea , probably for his throat . mm hmm . lets see how he performs in front of all those people without his magic people performing in shirt . but , mr . shredder , you promised me after we played my hometown i could have a day off . i also promised id kick heroin . hmm . but the tour is so hard on my family . my octuplets are being raised by roadies and bodyguards . this is not proper . look , apu . for years we wasted money on women , drugs and guitars with live fish inside . and now we want to keep it going . you signed a contract for a three year, , at union scale  no per diem . youre in the band . oh , well , i guess its showtime . homer . im sorry , apu . i thought you were living your dream life , so naturally i wanted to ruin it . but now i know things stink , so im okay with it . oh , what is the point . i am trapped like a kwik e hot dog on a roller . kwik e hot dog , eh . you want every hot dog in the store . every one . okay yeah . yeah . oh .  . forum announcer ladies and gentlemen , tucks medicated pads presents sungazer . yeah . all right . uh , people . i am sorry to report that all the original members of the band have been struck down by a mysterious case of hot dog poisoning . rather than refund your money or reschedule the show , we have a surprise for you . get ready to rock with a group that is truly all about the music  covercraft . hopin for a dream hopin focus like a laser beam ill keep fighting till i want something great hopin for a dream hopin for a dream hopin to someday , somehow have a goal ill keep fighting till i want something great im hopin for a dream hopin , for a dream hopin dreams are great or so it seems if i never find one i guess thats okay im hopin for a dream hopin , for a dream , oh so there i am , on easter island , and the heads ask me to play them a song . i say , why me , heads . youve heard the music of the universe itself . and they say , sammy , your stuff rocks just a little harder . thats when i wake up . im in the springfield elementary parking lot , doing a buck fifty five in my ferrari boxer . i was cornering so hard , i blacked out from the gs , man . they say i ran over the groundskeeper . probably get life in prison . but i got a plan to escape , using only this harmonica and some guitar picks with my face on em . whos with me on this . springfield . doh . bart ay , caramba . carrot . you are about to see the worst half hour of television ever . all righty then . okay , r , lets serve up some soup . may the sauce be with you . oh , since when is soup sauce . this is so non canonical . you have every right to be furious . oh , its as bad as i remembered , and i havent watched it since yesterday . horrible , yet enthralling . hooray . a card from dr . hibbert . phew . oh . ill be right home , honey . i just got to lock down the reactor for the evening . tight as a drum . see you soon . bart , hold the ladder still . oh . wish homer was here . simpson . mr . scrooge . time for your holiday gift . oh . in your name , a donation has been made to the salvation army . also , you will be visited by three spirits tonight . no , wait . thats my schedule . smithers , we need to cancel the spirit . yes , sir . marge hello . homer heading home , baby . nothings gonna stop me now . maybe a drink will help me with my driving . man , those things go off quick . yo . ah . vin scully and the baseball exclaimed as it flew out of sight , this ballpark is shorter in left field than right . martinez swings and misses . yes . im recording this during a game . since the united states government declares this man to be santa claus , this court will not dispute it . few people know that verdict was overturned in the sequel . i better be heading home to my family . enjoy your evening with your wonderful uh neon sign . yeah , last year i broke it just so the repairman would come . but ill be fine . hey , um , you gonna be okay . oh , yeah , . super . its just that you know , i lost my ma at christmas . she took me to a mall , and i never saw her again . but ill never forget that image of her bolting for the parking lot . okay , . ill stay for one beer . oh , great , . but dont do it out of pity . pity . pity . have pity . look , im wrapped around your leg here . please . please . please . but i promised marge . now im sitting on your shoulders . please . okay , . mom , wheres dad . i dont know . aw , its christmas eve , man . we do not want to set a precedent for fat guys being late tonight . silent night holy night im happy on christmas eve . and for once its not cause some drunk left a wallet on his stool . uh oh, , this is starting to hurt . and now , homer , its only fair that i give yous a gift . im gonna set the clock in the bar to the correct time . homer hey , what the i am so late . whoa , . its the night before christmas . stop stirring , you . one night . the one night of the year i want homer home with his family , and he cant even do that . christmas is a great time to dump him . if you do it now , you wont have to watch the super bowl . homer simpson . i never thought id say this to someone i cared for , much less my husband , but im saying it now . i dont want you here on christmas . marge , think about what youre saying . its sir isaac newtons birthday . out now . yeah . well , good luck assembling all those toys without me . we already did it . the ghost of marge future . homer shell forgive me . marge should i forgive him . homer especially this time . marge maybe not this time . homer i mean its christmas . marge with his marriage in this much trouble , hes got a lot of thinking to do . homer i wonder if theres birds on the moon . i miss marge . wiggum i wonder if lou suspects that i was his secret santa . lou what kind of a cheapskate gives you one corncob holder for christmas . moe , what are you doing . good king wenceslas looked out on the feast japanese male voice too poor for karaoke . shutting down . bye now . oh , my god . santa brought me just what i asked for . hmm .  . whos he fooling . hmm . hmm . mm hmm . hey , pal . cant believe you have to work christmas eve . well , if youre here for a last minute gift , we have a cell phone holder that fits no cell phone made after . and , uh , kwik e . nog stands for not okayed by government . maybe marge would forgive me if i won the lotto . give me a scratcher . doh . give me another one . doh . give me another one . doh . give me another one . doh . give me another one . doh . give me another one . oh please , stop . stop it . my religion prohibits me from taking advantage of a fool more than ten times . this thing basically has no winners . yeah , but doesnt the money goes to schools . you have been to our schools . what do you think . welcome to bring us your toilet paper night . dont worry , none goes to willie . dont need it . i got me starbucks napkins . you know , ironically , in india , they did use the money for schools and they had fantastic results . aw , thanks for your honesty , apu . is there any other product in the store youd like to warn me about . well , uh those hot dogs began life as twinkies . wow . christmas eve . the one night a kid wants to go to sleep is the one night he cant . i cant have another cocoa . my pee is starting to smell like a ski chalet . oh , thank god youre here . i need to get to sleep . tell me the story of jazz again . well , the story of jazz starts with the tresillo , the most prevalent duple pulse rhythmic cell in sub saharan african music . but the rest will have to wait . bart , i hear mom sobbing . and i dont know where dad is . if it helps , i made you a card . bart , this is the year ive got to nail christmas . i dont want to be a jaded ten year like you . ah , yes . i remember christmas eve when i was eight . marge why do you always wait till the last minute to put up the lights . homer i dont want to ruin the magic . and i certainly aah . next year this is your job . oh . hmm , they say a boy never gets over seeing his dad in a santa suit getting hanged and electrocuted on christmas eve . ill help you , kid . mom , im just a kid , but i say if dad isnt here christmas morning , thats the kind of thing families never recover from . hmm . lisa , sweetie , im tired of being a pushover . youre not a pushover . you cant smoke . just chewing on the wood . okay then . eh , how you doing there . uh , your front door was locked , so , uh , rather than call or knock , i , uh , came down your chimbley there . moe szyslak , you didnt climb down our chimney just to say merry christmas . midge , its one minute till christmas , and if im ever gonna be a good guy , its now . all right , here i go . im the one that kept homer from coming home , cause , uh , well , i was lonely . yeah , thats right  me , mr . party pants . so , uh , so dont hold it against homer , eh . oh , my poor homie . this is what i was hoping for . for it not to have been completely his fault . thank you , moe . huh . im sorry , marge , im sorry , but it was christmas , and we were under the mistletoe . thats lettuce caught in a spiders web . all right . ive got to call homer . doh . what gives . dont you get showtime extreme . no answer . lets go find your father . what . i never give up hope . neither do i . even the anchor stores closed . someday at christmas men wont be boys playing with bombs like kids play with toys one warm december our hearts will see a world where men are free mm someday at christmas any uplifting holiday movies . well , lets see . weve got a film about a nutty professor oh . with advanced alzheimers . doh . seth rogen and jonah hill yeah . in a concentration camp drama . doh . and a cute model oh . airplane that lost its propeller . um , i guess ill take the concentration camp one . and a merry christmas to you , sir . well , if i got to spend christmas eve alone , at least no one will see me . hey ya, , homer . ah , just cause youre here shouldnt make you sad . this is my th christmas alone in a movie theater . this is my family . the guy with the smelly pants , the lady that carries empty cans in a pbs tote bag . ugh , what if i left now and gave you guys my popcorn and soda . wow , homer , you have a very generous side . can i borrow , like , . flanders . what are you doing here . christmas is my busy season . sold three pairs of scissors this month . two came back . say , flanders , with all the hard luck youve had , how do you stay so happy . and dont say jesus . well , sir , our good lord and my boys are all ive really got . all edna left me was wonderful memories and some ungraded papers , which im still working my way through . flanders , are you crying . ah , just snowflakes on my mustache . listen , could i buy a left handed, , uh i dont know , eyelash curler . sure , but y your eyelashes are long and luxurious already . are you just buying this to be nice . uh , maybe . oh , homer , unto us this day , a neighbor is born . but why . because jerk ass homer has become ass jerk homer . well , that curled my lashes , but good for you . youre all right , stupid flanders . youre all right . well , this is a whole new relationship for us . well be friends in this life and the next . homer whoa , hes getting serious . is this what i really want . my best friend is a great runner . i made everyone happy but me . some christmas . feliz navidad . abe simpson , please . visitor for abe simpson . you came . you came to see me . aw . easter came early this year . i thought we were just gonna ask if hed seen homer . im afraid weve awoken a needy giant . visitors . lets brew some weak tea and talk about the good ol days . make them turn the tv to cbs . well , with all that you folks have experienced , i think we could enjoy listening to a little of your wisdom . the problem with puerto ricans is no casual racism . what the . the nutcracker . every childs favorite christmas character . is this a dream . not a dream . i work at the mall . and its closed , so scram . man , you are a nutcracker . but ive learned something tonight  you know how everyone hates being with their family on christmas . uh huh . well , being without them is worse . can you find it in your wooden heart to give me a break . all right , listen , pal , uh you want to go to a party . what are you doing here . halloween merchandise goes on sale december man . well , hes not in the neon sign store . lady , buy a sign or go home . im sorry . im trying to find my husband , and nothings open . well , there is a party here . hey , is your husband into people dressed like food . where is this party .  . oh , my god . is that girl really doing that .  . mm , load bearing wall . ho , . this partys great , but all i wish is that i was drinking a beer with my kids right now . marge homer . hmm .  . homie , im your present tonight . and the present is that im not gonna always assume that you screwed up . because i realize maybe theres a good explanation for what you do . or a crazy one thats pretty entertaining . oh , marge , you found me . you always find me . now we just have to find your car in the mall parking lot . i thought i had one of those chirping keys . oh , well , ive been faking the noise . cause you deserve the best . you didnt have to do that . i love you just the same . thank you magical creatures of the mall . you have all taught me a christmas message ill never forget  the place to get drunk is at home . all right , im sick of waiting . bart , you know you cant open a present till mom and dad wake up . its a . m . i know what theyre doing  theyre up in bed watching the re broadcast of the hollywood christmas parade . oops , my finger slipped . oops . so did mine . bart oh , i got a baseball glove . lisa i got a chemistry set . bart i want yours . god merry christmas , son . uh , dont you mean happy birthday . god its two presents . um , walkie talkies dont count as two presents . god . i mean , you . jesus idiot . behold , our miracle of birth . each birth is followed by another birth just seconds later . what the .  . this isnt halloween . shh . springfield . doh . and in other news both are we there yet . are we there yet . no . are we there yet . no . are we there yet . i said no . are we there yet . whats wrong with your ears . are we there yet . look out the window . are we there yet . were not there . are we there yet . are we there yet . okay . were there . finally . are we there yet . huh . are we there yet . are we there yet . are we there yet . damn technology . are we there yet . turn it off . we did . this is us . are we there yet . are we there yet . homer oh , a spot . okay , remember were parked in the ethnic princess section . homer dont worry , this time im gonna write down where i parked . look . i see land . mama . we made it . mama . no . you planted that on me , man . sorry . no outside pacifiers . fine , but im not paying for the insurance . oh , what the hell . give me the insurance . come on , maggie . the first ride we go on will be for you . roofi riding on a bug riding on a bug youd rather be in school than riding on a bug riding on a bug riding on a bug youd rather be in school bug be damned . than riding on a bug ay , caramba . dont get off the bug dont get off the bug certain death awaits if you get off the bug welcome to the bug , welcome to whoa , this place sure has changed since dizznee bought the rights to cosmic wars . bart oh , geez . purchased for billion , i was . yet still hoodie ragged , wear i do , this . pirates of the caribbean . huh . they revamped this ride because of massive complaints from two people . no means no we know now no means no we know now ha ha . my cartoons werent good , they were just first . all oh . not enough ketchup . weve been here six hours and the coolest thing weve done is stand in the cool zone . announcer the cool zone is beyond maximum capacity . disperse , . how about that one . oh , i dont like the end sounds on that . announcer by well have drive in theaters on neptune . life magazine will be and your telegrams will be delivered by jetpa well , thats it . weve visited every section including churro county , toonton abbey , but you know what we havent had here . ill tell you fun . the kind of fun attractive families have in commercials . hey , dad , i see a ride that actually looks decent . i just want to sit down , but the line for the bench is too long . no , look , its a ride that just opened and no ones there . dad , i dont know about this . its not on the park map . lisa , those maps were drawn by the first explorers of this theme park , hundreds of years ago . lets go . kang assume a sitting position . kodos one seat per human . come on , start this thing . im not impressed . this is so fake . homer uh oh . all oh . weve left earths atmosphere . prove it . bart and lisa are we there yet . are we there yet . are we there yet . welcome , humans . there is nothing to fear . i am kang the abductor . what the . this isnt halloween . are we truly in space . and if so , why . all will be revealed in time , unsuspecting humans . why does the last thing you say sound so ominous . its just the way we speak , easily reassured fool . oh . yeah , thats good . we shall now attend to the complex calculations of hyperspace . hey , captain squid . if you really want to be nice to us , how about some snacks . whatever you say shall materialize . potato chips . doh . doh . doh . doh . doh . doh . doh . doh . stupid kid , you ruin every trip . hokey smokes . i cant survive in these conditions . whoa . hmm . hmm . homer , please . thats creeping me out . doh . let me just there you are , just like new , not a freak of nature . wow , look at all these knobs and buttons . they are clearly a superior race . but maybe that means theyll be nice to us . you mean like europeans were to the native americans . or the belgians were to the congo . thats right . pick the only two times in history where things got messy . we have begun our descent to our home planet . please turn off all portable electronic devices . whos gonna stop me . perhaps you havent noticed the air marshal . have your cups lost their suck . slipped on some drool . larry h . zeeblezorp will have you rolling in space credits . wow . this place is completely alien , but everythings in english . just like canada . can i turn my phone on . kodos not yet . now what . i say we take this bucket home . to earth . come on . come on , you son of a thanks for flooding it . take these pills , and you can breathe our atmosphere . are there any side effects . yes , im afraid you will never develop tentacles . behold the wonders of our world . purple landscape , purple trees . yeah , you really went with the purple theme . we can change it at will . now look upward to see our seven suns . so , you use a lot of solar energy . we have federal rebates for the panels , but few take advantage of them . now we shall show you the sacred mysteries of our life cycle . behold , our miracle of birth . each birth is followed by another birth just seconds later . and finally , a sadder slice of our lives . gaze upon the dead being dumped into a river of their own drool . farewell , dear friends , on your sacred journey to the chopper upper . aw . why are you sharing all this with us . because we want you to fully appreciate the planet that you will never leave . wait , are you telling me were prisoners in this cage . okay , take five . dont look at them . you can see those birds any time . right hand red . aah . i win . i think . would you like one of our toys . thanks . why did you do that . i thought it was a ball . that is the one thing it can never be . dont be alarmed . i am a trained humanologist . let me just check your heart . all well and good . you obviously exercise . see , marge . anything you need . perhaps youd care to have your ink gland expressed . youre the doctor . homer . you have to stop dropping your pants for everyone who claims theyre a doctor . fine . now , i am here to complete your knowledge of our great and generous species . are you the guy that talks nice before they kill us . eh , well come back to that . as young thinglings , we are schooled in the wisdom of the universe . physics , mathematics , fortran the greatest of the programming languages . and now the part that is difficult to tell you . at the end of a life well lived, , there is one final ritual . we must eat one of you . but well let you have the fun of picking which one . theres only one fair solution . we have to put it to a vote . before we vote , id just like to point out in sophies choice , she saved the boy . this isnt a happy thing . here you go . okay . what the .  . doh . well , we havent heard from maggie yet . now , what the . gibberish , pure gibberish . youre the last vote , homie . tis a far , better thing i do than i have ever done before . hey , look , maggie made you a farewell card . that kids got talent , but come on . now do you see why im a vegetarian , dad . i get it , lisa . i finally get it . you do get a last meal . id like rabbit , lots of rabbit . ah . welcome to the world series of chomping . this annual consumption ritual is brought to you by scalp salt . from the same wonderful folks who make elbow pepper and groin gravy . here comes sacrifice homer simpson . his hobbies include sitting , lying down , and reaching for things without success . come on , folks , lets put your eyelids together . doesnt your culture say anything about mercy . madam , you are speaking to the kindest and gentlest of us all . lets see skull crusher , skin peeler , eyeball popper , scream collector got it . our elder klaunax has been chosen for our ceremonial first bite , after which homer simpson will be dipped into a spicy cheese fondue . fondue . welcome to a faculty dinner party in . silence . and celebrate the solstice of slobbering to the sounds of the rigel childrens choir . tasty creature we salute you for your juicy sacrifice . a transporter beam . someone is trying to steal our sacrifice . yes . this mysterious tube can only lead to somewhere good . so long , you stupid slobbering what the .  . and away we go . way to go , george mucus . the fattest , stupidest man on earth slipped right through your sticky tentacles . why , you little . what is this baffling construct . its called a knot . a not what . knot with a k . ks are silent . really . ive been saying kitchen . thats correct . both huh . male do not fear . you are among friends . we are the resistance . we dont believe in the barbaric consumption of other species . so , what do you eat  space broccoli . space broccoli has the most advanced feelings of any creature in the universe . i stepped on a piece once , and it cried for six years . frankly , they are a little full of themselves . who are you talking about . um , earth broccoli . yeah , i hate those guys . they think theyre so big . lets go , homer . where are you taking me . you are about to behold the secret rebel base . aah . whee . yeah . why are they dancing . shouldnt they be making weapons . this is excellent training for the party we will throw when our rebellion succeeds . male oh , turn the music back on . in a minute . first , noble human homer simpson will explain his primitive yet beautiful culture . but perhaps earths greatest achievement is moon rocks . oh , radio . truly a species with much to offer . male seriously . are we listening to the same guy . silence . homer , we will get you back to earth . what about my family . why do you care . its just your sex mate and spermlings . sex mate . clearly youve never been married . but its great , im telling you . unfortunately , we only had the means to build the spaceship for one . we spent most of our money on the party . well , it is a great party . the pod is equipped to fulfill your deepest desires . just concentrate . suddenly , this trip has gotten interesting . what the .  . oh , who am i kidding . i couldnt enjoy calorie one without my family . im going back to save them . aw , if i could just live inside that head , so full of noble thoughts . the golden rule states if the chosen one escapes , his family is eaten as forfeit . what do your rules say now . that all will be eaten . doh . this system is really rigged against us . you forgot to glaze me . no , i didnt . you licked it off . i think somebodys afraid to admit hes out of glaze . glaze , please . make way for the queen . i shall take the first bite . it is quite an honor . whats that . part of your magnificent behind . we sliced it off when you were sleeping . it does look delicious . what is it , my queen . this ass is most disagreeable . the creatures are composed of completely indigestible toxins . these humans have been poisoned by their unhealthy fast food diet . um , are you sure you dont want to try me again . you . your lunches of hummus and rice cakes combine in your stomach to form formaldehyde and animal fat . really . but i thought youd be better off chewing tobacco like the boy . what .  . dad said i could try it . homer . dont you people realize your queen is dying . im afraid the lardo speaks the truth , your majesty . its all right . i have seen many glories and have only one regret . that my breasts arent bigger . i dont see any breasts . and those will be the last words i ever hear . useless humans . we will send you back to your planet , and your memories will fade . so , it will be as if none of this ever happened . captains log , stardate .  . after successfully conquering the rigelians right , conquering . well , at least maggie can fly us home . thank god its just like her busy box . well , i guess weve learned that of all the countless planets in the universe , we have evolved into the most inedible species . like three bean salad at a barbecue , we will remain untouched . were receiving a transmission from an unknown source . hey , i finally tracked you down . my oatmeals gone cold . the cat ate my heart medicine . im engaged to my nurse set a course , mr . maggie . anywhere but home . homer doh . springfield . walking down the corridor using both my feet wish i was in floridor now i will repeat oh , im walking down the corridor using both my feet . hmm . don bookner . cant believe youre retiring . yup , its time for the gold watch . thank you . youre free to go . good old don . we sure will miss your um , uh what did you do again . safety inspector , . but wait a minute . thats my job . yes , of course it is . there are two of us , and ive been covering for you all these years . that would explain a lot . but why did you do it . i felt there was something special in you . its like rooting for the cubs . you keep thinking theyll make it , and then you realize they never , ever will . but now , you wont have me to protect you . oh , please . all im asking you to do is stay more year too late . im gone . if i was fred flintstone , id be at the end of the dinosaurs tail . for hes a jolly good fellow for hes a jolly good fellow for hes a jolly good fellow which nobody can deny last time im covering your ass , homer . oh , its such a big ass . how was your day . oh , stressful . you see how loose my tie is . mah . for the first time , i actually have to do my job . oh , sweetie . and , marge , i got this weird new feeling in my stomach  a little sour and a little sick . theres a yiddish word for it  shpilkes . they have a lot of funny words for not so funny things . hey , homer , carl and i are gonna see if we can sneak out of the mens room without setting off the automatic toilets . ninja style . look , i dont have time for childish games . if i dont do my job , atoms go boom . simpson , i want a full plant status report at . yes , sir . yes , sir . can i get a wakeup call . no . oh . damn it . i thought we werent allowed to do homework at the table . its called a double standard , one of the bedrocks of parenting . youve been working so hard lately . maybe you should take a break . no . marge , if i lose my job in this economy , its a death sentence . well , i guess as a fallback , i could direct films , like angelina jolie . how many properties do we have an option on . none . what .  . when were you gonna tell me .  . uh , when . homie , a workaholic is probably your best aholic ever , but you need to relax , so , i got us all tickets to see the circus on saturday . the circus . hmm . i havent been to the circus since i was a kid . son , look over there . uh , i mean look over there . ten bucks a cone .  . look back at the elephant . okay , marge , we can go to the circus . and maybe i can finally find out why a man would think a stool is a proper defense against a lion . damn it . this circus wi fi is a joke . oh , come on . i thought you were going to try to relax . how can anyone relax when they made us park in stacked parking . i knew he wasnt gonna like the stacked parking . what kind of insane parking system is designed so youre blocked in by everyone that arrived after you . the early bird gets the shaft . shh . shh . oh , my god . what if all those clowns are parked in the same lot as us .  . maybe theres better wi fi in the freak tent . mah . excuse me . pardon me . what the hell .  . oh , finally . the business call ive been waiting for . hello , this come on , kids . theres nothing youd be interested in here . uh , hey . hey , uh theyll grow back . oh , homer , i have to use the porta potti . oh , for gah now . do you have to . no woman uses one of these by choice . hey , dad , since we got to wait , cant we please see an act . ugh . fine , but ill be amazed if im astounded . thereby proving zorns lemma . give me my damn husband back . dang , look at all them hobo signs . my head bone hurts . aah . i need a new volunteer . how about you , sir . hey , is that time right . i have a deadline in an hour and a half . you know , dad , studies show being hypnotized makes you more efficient . mm , oh , okay . is that true . mah . i just wanted to see him cluck like a chicken . now , weve never met , have we , sir . oh , patter . do you have any children . no , but were having fun trying . wait . i mean three . when i snap my fingers , you shall be ten years old . look , can we get to the point . im stack parked . did you hear me . stack you are ten years old . no , im not . yes , you are . no , im not . yes , you are . no , im not . yes , you are . yes , you are . no , yes , you are . yes , you are . look , i said you are . yeah , and you are , too . only a ten year boy could be this annoying . im not convinced . i know you are , but what am i . infinity plus one . jinx . only the coolest kid ever could think of that . good golly , sven golly , you did it . sven golly , born svenjamin golly , you are under arrest for mesmerizing the rock and roll hall of fame to induct kiss . you are wanted by the police , by which i mean sting , andy summers , uh hey , is it is getting hot in here . oh , not again . mom , dads been hypnotized to think he was ten . ah . hmm . now im gonna test just how deeply homers mind has been effected . take a sip of this , young man . ew . gross . what did you give him . beer . this hypnotism is strong . dinner theater strong . my husband cant really think hes ten . im saying , he so desperately needs to believe hes ten , that only the original hypnotist who did this can undo the trance without risking permanent damage to homers psyche . hey , oh , help me . dear god . psych . oops . so , what do we do . do not force the truth . for now , just treat homer just as you would a regular ten year boy . can he be nine so i can beat him up . no , im afraid not . the rules of hypnotism are inflexible . then can we get pizza on the way home . ask for boogers on barts half . good one . booger pizza . you better pray they find that hypnotist , marge . homer get the ball , boy . come on . go get it , boy . go get it , boy . go get it , boy . hey . ow . ow . i thought you were my best friend . oh . ow ow . so , where is he gonna sleep . well , i guess itll have to be in barts room . oh . and i thought when homer cut off his thumb was bad . um , mrs . simpson . aah . marge oh . hey . what . who . homer , cant you sleep with mom . id be too nervous . have you noticed that shes kind of hot . gross . weird . complicated . go to sleep . i really do miss my homie this time of night . hmm . hmm . hmm . mm hmm . were gonna have a lot of mittens this winter . aw , if im gonna get through this day , i better irish up my coffee . im ready to go to school . homer , youre not going to school . im not . cool . am i sick . cause if im sick , i get to stay home and make smores . all i need is graham crackers , chocolate , marshmallows , sticks , fire did i say graham crackers . chocolate , marshmallows , sticks , fire oops . my homework . fine , you can go to school . yo , this is tunnel tag . when youre tagged , you have to spread your legs and freeze . guess i chose the wrong day to wear culottes . every days the wrong day to wear culottes . youre it . can i play . oh , god , no . if milhouse can play , anyone can play . once again , im the lower bound . youre it . is that a grown man going between the childrens legs . well , theres nothing in the rule book against it . its on page one of the rule book . thats where i doodle . its a comic strip i do called bumble and grumble . grumble likes to yell , but deep down he loves bumble like a son . no , he doesnt . homer im beat . today was fun . yeah . listen , homer , do you ever think about what you want to do when youre grown up . ill eat in bed . not just snacks , messy stuff like lasagna . oh , and the tv would be on . loud . hey , would you ever want to have a real job and a family . wife . three kids . steady job . if i did , id secretly be very sad . you could tell by how much i would eat and drink and just sit on the couch . yeah , thank god that never happened . wow . he doesnt want to be my dad , he just wants to be a kid like me . almost makes me not want to prank him . almost . touch . if you wedgie me , my friend will beat you up . thats not your friend , its your screwed up dad . pretty sad , really . well leave you alone . you did it , homer . you saved me from the bullies . youre the coolest kid i ever met . what about me . youre in the top hundred . boo yah . now youre not . oh . homer uh , lisa , your ma says i should do something with you . need some help with your homework . im done . want to see me make a muscle . mm , not right now . well , thats everything i know that girls like . listen , homer , i just want to take advantage of this opportunity to have you enjoy my saxophone with me . okay . ah , thank god they pulled that other safety inspector out of retirement . you know , youre the closest thing ive ever had to a brother . me , too . you know what . im afraid you might change back . change back to what . look in the lake , tell me what you see . bloated corpse under the water . id say hes been there a few months at least . interesting the way his lips move just like mine . why do you ask . uh , no reason , brother . geez , i hope this is the call ive been praying for . it is . we have captured sven golly , using a specially dedicated anti hypnosis squad . well , bring him here now . i want my homie back . i miss him and the things he did . lis , you know how dad thinks hes a ten year . ive been emotionally dealing with that all week , so yes . well , now that hypnotist is gonna come back and snap him out of it . look , dad had to get cured sometime . theres nothing we can do about it . or isnt there not . wiggum all right , sven golly , youre gonna untangle this guys noodle , and thats it  no more hypnotizing anyone . you have my word chief kangaroo . boing , theyve run away . quick . hypnotize me into a competent policeman . im good , im not that good . ha ha . i wanted you to enjoy being a kid just a little longer . homer whoo hoo . homer whoo hoo hoo . i do it all myself . weve returned to itchy scratchy land , which means youll have to pay again . what do we do next . what do we do next . wiggum homer simpson . uh , your second childhood is over . youre going back to taking statins and paying fica . no . you cant take him now . weve only been on two rides . you shouldve used fastpass . fastpass cant solve everything . eh , spoken like a kid whos never lived in a non fastpass world . homer , im here . bye , bart . stay ten forever . good bye, , friend . hmm before you fix him , can you change one little thing . im embarrassed to ask this , but after we , uh , snuggle , he always rolls over and goes to sleep , and id rather just thats the only thing you want changed . everything else about him is perfect . yes . ugh , where were you when i was straight . all right , lets do this . cuddle your wife . you are back . parked . i hate stacked parking . wait , where am i . this isnt a circus . its an amusement park . the furthest thing from a circus . well , heres what happened . marge , sweetie , im not gonna lie . i mustve tied one on at moes . if you have it in your heart , could you forgive me and totally blame my friends . homie , ive missed you . oh hoo . i missed you , too . what the . lasagna in bed . recommended by a kid i used to know . you know , i used to have this friend . i told him all my dreams . really , great kid . you think so . the best . wonder whatever happened to him . well maybe you sat on him and he was never seen again . why , you little . oh . you know , boy , im not sure i can strangle you anymore . im gonna try something new . what do you say , boy , want to split the lasagna . get lost . why , you little . oh so good to have you back . its great to be back . hmm . can we cuddle for a little while . thank you , sven golly . i knitted us a blanket . mm you can find them for , like , six bucks . check and mate . once again youre too smart for me , my friend . thats why im the master hypnotist and youre the bumbling police chief . exactly so , sven golly . exactly so . see you tomorrow . yes , i might be a little late . that chief wiggum , what a dope . loki . shh . springfield . oh . looks like our birdhouse is benefitting from positive word of beak . a bald eagle . it is . maybe hes giving those little baby birds some food . homer , quick . get your shooing broom . marge , an eagle is our countrys mascot . fighting him is like kicking george washington in his wooden nuts . aah . ow . ow . this means war . boy , bring my toupee . go ahead , boy . milhouse its working . its definitely working . for once , were finally gonna catch that mouse . got you . ha . ha . stupid eagle . it wasnt the mouse we were after . it was you . marge , preheat the oven . i got him cornered , boy . bag him up . not so majestic in a trash bag , are you . oopsie . seems almost a shame im gonna have to bang you against the wall till you die . no . lets take the eagle to shelbyville animal rescue where you took that injured hummingbird you found on the front lawn . uh um or maybe we can nurse him back to health and set him free in the wild . okay , bart , think of a name . make it great  insanely , unbelievably great . squawky . perfect . just like when we let you name maggie . squawky , until i met you , i never thought i could love something bald . bye . we love you . oh , my god . brace yourselves , family . were about to meet a being with intelligence far beyond ours . boy , give me my baseball bat . hello . im elon musk . die . what the . dad , no . elon musk is possibly the greatest living inventor . youre the guy who put wheels on luggage . oh , bless you . bless you . im im not that guy . his company perfected electric cars and then gave away the patents . he changed the way hollywood drives . and now hes landed in our yard . on my sons bike and on our mailmans leg . honey , guess who crushed me . ill give you a hint . his first name is elon . ah . thats right . so , what brings you to springfield , mr . musk . what does bring me to springfield . well , to start with , im an idea man . its my raison dtre . mmm , raisin detra . ive hit a dry patch . im blocked . in my personal drought , im traveling the country quietly by spaceship , looking for inspiration . thats so sad . maybe were the same . two lost ships in the intellectual sea . each of whom could inspire the other to reach hey , elon , if youre interested , you could come to the nuclear plant where i work tomorrow . i am and i will . great . and if anyone asks where i am , just cover for me . homer . fine . well both go , and if anybody asks you something you dont understand , just say protons . so do you get satellite radio cheaper in space . homer , if were gonna carpool together , theres one thing you have to know . ass , gas or grass  no one rides for free . its as old as the bible . no , its that i dont talk to anyone unless they provide the mental stimulation i seek . ditto . hi . i didnt want to miss one more chance to spend time with mr . musk . it is such an honor . he is . and may i save that paper . no ideas . thats sad . thats even worse . aw , man , i wish those were white meatballs . oh , my . thats an idea . white meatballs  synthetic meat that you can print in your printer . say something else . please . now . uh dont tase me , bro . chocolate rain . tase , bro , chocolate rain . use electroplating to remove metal ions from rainwater , making it suitable for drinking . what about the chocolate . well make the device a soothing chocolate color  brilliant . hes taking your homerisms and turning them into his own great ideas . this is the most inspirational moment of my life , but unfortunately , this is my stop . bye . well , come on , keep throwing things at me . um oh , this is a break . were were taking a break . i got you . musk youre fun . well , duh . why dont have fun like that , lou . ah , chief . did anyone ever tell you theres a safety on that gun . what do you mean this thing . thats the trigger . what are you writing . share , buddy . suggestion for the suggestion box . can anyone make a suggestion . be my guest , but i seriously doubt the old man ever reads them . suggestion . nix . hmm , technically an order , not a suggestion . installing an mhd generator would allow the plant to operate at a higher temperature without the tyranny of moving parts using conducting plasma as the moving conductor . excellent . clearly the work of lenny . thats the white one , right . is this your suggestion . no . no , mine was rubber mats in the decontamination showers . also , water in the decontamination showers . never . mm hmm . mm . good lord . sir , you know who that is . the man whos revolutionized the car industry . henry ford , good to see you . as healthy and vibrant as detroit itself . no , sir , this is elon musk . for some reason , hes sharing a console with homer simpson . his mind is as rich as an italian wedding soup . homer , what are you thinking now . uh , pittsburgh dallas . pittsburgh steel , dallas cowboys robotic cattle herding . thank you , homer . sorry , thats something im working on so that i dont have to display facial expressions . young man , i look at you and i see myself . how much would you charge to work for me . i dont care about the money . the whole monetary system is just a series of interconnected heterogeneous databases . could you repeat that first part . i dont care about the money . once more with feeling . i dont care about the money . now , let me feel the vibrations of your lips . i dont care about the money . and i want you to get your fingers out of my mouth . smithers , theres something strange in his mouth . its called moisture . hmm , i see . okay , musk , what do you propose . well , youll need to increase the capacity of your plant . you cover the costs , you get of the profits . careful , elon , hes not as kindly as he appears . now , burns , what if everything in town not powered by electricity were powered my electricity . the electricity you sell them . imagine that . my doctor says im not allowed to imagine , so i hired someone to do it for me . send in the imaginer . oh , thats fabulous . oh , my goodness , i can see everything . im in . oh , by the way , mr . burns . i havent been paid in a while . here you go . imagine . oh , swiss francs . time to take my wife for a night on the town . hey , wait a minute . so , what kind of lunch do you pack . wow , elon , youre like willy wonka without the underpaid munchkins . uh , id like to offer you something . but all i got is coffee . with cream . come on , i want cream . give it up . doh . cream and sugar are one thing too many . exactly , . what if we made the cream cup out of sugar so it dissolved in the coffee . wow . wow . between your genius and my nothing , we make a great team . come on , give me a hug . sorry , im not one for hugging . well , im not one for just talking . does that drone do date nights with the wife . my partner , montgomery burns all boo . and i hooray . have exciting news . springfield nuclear has electric solutions to all of your energy needs . the springfield hyperloop . electrifying the school to replace the old power source , willy pushing a wheel . and my passion project , the glayvinator . you have a glayvinator , too . is it , um , uh , patent pending . patent granted . all the years of glayvining in my basement for naught . im a failure . ah , yes , everyones been there . you have those feelings , too . of course not . if i knew how to make a fist , id hit you . this is wonderful , smithers . for once in my life , somethings going my way . im not so sure . oh , another visit from mr . worrywart . i dont trust musk . anyone with that much money has a darkness in his soul . says you . smithers mr . burns . mr . burns . sir , musks ideas sound great , too great . were meant for wretched lives . we should pass on this . and before you reply , remember , ive never let you down . you know what im going to say , right . release the i was going to say get out , but your idea sounds better . can you give me a ten second head start . of course . one , two , three . not on my carpet . attention , fans of the little rascals . the last of them died today in palm springs . now its time for traffic with arnie pye . nothing to report , kent . since elon musk gave everyone self driving cars , there hasnt been a single accident . well , you be careful up there , arnie . no need . mr . musk gave me a self flying chopper . wheres arnie . now i can get as loaded as i want , which is pretty damn loaded . oh , boy . elon , youre my guy since you came down from the sky . car , go park at work so people think im there . automated voice force of habit . car , wake grampa . thank you . mm . bart , what are you doing . disable auto drive . automated voice foolish boy . youll never guess elon musks master password . musk rulez , with a z . automated voice password verified . manual control enabled . welcome , friends . i have invited you here to share in our first quarterly profit report . im sure youre all eager to hear how much richer i am . now , to end the suspense , elon . thank you , monty . at our current rate yes . assuming a linear growth model of course . we are losing roughly million a quarter . just remember , our purpose is to show the planet how to save itself . oh , the planet . i adore the planet . do you know my favorite part of the planet . gravity . there are no trapdoors on this podium , burns . you just started the powerpoint presentation . no , . musk , you tricked me . not a trick . we sacrifice now to take care of the future in a way totally determined by me . all i wanted was to make obscene profits in the last year of my life and leave it to no one . why does god hate dreamers . due to recent fluctuations in my judgment , and the once in a lifetime mistake of trusting another human being , i am saddened to announce massive layoffs . who will pay for my radiation sickness treatments . not my concern . but musk was our savior . your so called savior isnt interested in saving anything but the world . bah . burns layoffs have thrown the city into a new depression , marked by the singing of songs from the old depression . if youre old enough to have suffered then and now , why dont you sing along . now the rains a fallin hear the trains a callin whoo ee my mama done told me hear that lonesome whistle blowin cross the trestle whoo ee my mama done told me a whoo oh , clickety clack and its echoing back the blues in the night . my final invention . a pill that removes all grief . ah oh , my god , it attracts women , too . youre welcome , youre welcome , youre welcome . youre welcome . you really came back from that tommy john surgery . tell musk theres more where that came from . more of what . burns smithers , the hounds feel terrible for what they did , and good news , one pooped out your ear . well dip it in iodine , and its just like new . also , im sorry , i couldnt find the records of the shots the hounds had which , in turn , led to all those painful injections in your abdomen . now , the reason im here ive made the calls . im gonna have elon musk killed , and ill give you a little extra morphine , friend . oh , right , thats a trapdoor . whats wrong , homer . is it that all your friends are out of work , and its kind of your fault . no , its elon . i dont care how much he likes me , i dont want to be friends with him anymore . none of his pie in the sky ideas ever work out . sky pies are lie pies . of all the planets in the universe , why did he have to come to this one . how do you break up with a guy . heres what you do . you just take his hand , look in his eyes , and say , i dont want to be with you anymore . wow , youre good at that . its gotten me out of a lot of gym memberships . sir , i have my concern about the team of hit men youve assembled . they seem a little long in the tooth . nonsense . just because a man cant see or hold his hands steady doesnt make him any less of a marksman . a yoga mat that rolls itself up . silent velcro , baseball tickets that guide you to your seat . sweet columbian exposition . musk lives . but , uh , three of your hit men dont . recoil was pretty bad . oh , my god , oh , my god . you saved my life . which is gonna make what im about to say even more awkward . whatever you want , well make it work , right , homer . elon , i want to say something to you , and i dont want you to be inspired by it . i want you to listen . no . i dont want to be with you anymore . can i ask why . i could say its the being shot at , or the flat , emotionless way you talk , or the fact that paypal was my idea , and i was just about to do it when you came out with it , but really its that this town isnt ready for you . and neither am i . its okay ill be fine . its on your face , too . well , i did save you one last prize from the cracker jack box that is my brain . use it as you will . on the miami dolphins helmet , the little dolphin is also wearing a helmet . why are they always the most beautiful just when theyre breaking up with you . i think its time to tell my luggage to self pack . good bye, , elon . our town will never forgive you . thanks for the real working lightsaber . ay , caramba . i just wanted to see if there was a better life , even for a little bit . when youre ill drive you to cincinnati , and youll see what there is to see . mr . musk , before you go , is there anything you could do to give a little girl hope that the world of the future wont be as grim as all our current movies forecast . i guess humanity wants its change one birdhouse at a time . hmm , for a man who likes electric cars , he sure burns a lot of rocket fuel . whats wrong , dad . nothing . elons log , earth date , january , . i have left springfield forever , but there are some things i will definitely miss . the little dolphin is also wearing a helmet . wearing a helmet . wearing a helmet . i never thought id say this , but sometimes holograms miss the point . theres a starman waiting in the sky hed like to come and meet us but he thinks hed blow our minds theres a starman waiting in the sky hes told us not to blow it cause he knows its all worthwhile he told me let the children lose it let the children use it let all the children boogie theres a starman waiting in the sky hed like to come and meet us but he thinks hed blow our minds theres a starman waiting in the sky hes told us not to blow it cause he knows its all worthwhile he told me let the children lose it let the children use it let all the children boogie . shh . springfield . woo hoo . doh . and i regret to inform you that our soviet sister city , springograd , has disappeared from the map . now , id like to welcome our beloved four time mayor , hans moleman . springfielders , rejoice . what is the one thing our blessed little town has lacked . a human zoo . what we lack is a town anthem . and youre in luck , because i have written one . mr . largo , if you please . mm hmm . theres a special little place a special smile on every face a town called springfield special buildings , special sky a unique place to live and die only springfield of all the cities on the mappy youre the one that makes me happy only springfield , only springfield stop the anthem . what is it , moe . i was in tuscaloosa on vacation . started out great . they got a joint there called moes original barbeque . but then i heard their city anthem . give a listen . of all the cities on the mappy youre the one that makes me happy only tuscaloosa , only tuscaloosa . thats our song . they just changed springfield to tuscaloosa . guns are for celebrating . what do you do with them when youre angry . now , calm down . this could just be an amazing musical coincidence . there aint no coincidences in popular songs , bony . only austin only oakland only calgary only provo area weve been singing this song like it only belonged to us , when every city in americas had its lips on it . even des moines . wait a minute . this song was supposedly written by former mayor moleman . oh , i didnt write it . i bought it from a salesman who was selling it to half the towns in america . i didnt think youd find out , because i never thought any of us would ever go anywhere . well , then what do i do with this .  . now i cant be buried in a jewish cemetery . please be merciful . hyah . boy , sure is nice not to be the one on the horse for a change . as mayor , i balanced the budget eight times . i still believe in this town  a town that deserves its own original song . and as an aspiring musician with off broadway dreams , im the one to write it . so ordered . ill write that song . pharrell williams .  . im sorry , everyone , but the eight year girl got there first . i understand . it might seem crazy what im about to say sunshine , shes here , you can take a break hyah . shelbyville rules . springfield drools . lets see . what rhymes with jebediah . tire fire . how about patty and selma . fatty and smell ya . mr . teeny . sister wienie . youve got a gift . well , dont be so surprised . i did write that lisa , its your birthday song . yeah , with that mental patient who thought he was michael jackson . whoa . thinking back , im kind of surprised mom and dad let a crazy man spend all night in my bedroom . simpler time . bart , i need your help to write a new anthem for springfield . will you team up with me . hmm . whats in it for me . uh , ill make brownies later . whoa , that is the best deal any songwriter ever got . and thats true even if i dont get the brownies . im in . i think we might just make a good team , like maggie and grampa . what are you doing . whats it look like . writing a song . artists . we did it . we wrote an awesome song . we make a great brother and sister team , like andy and lana wachowski . should we hug . mm , how about a fist bump through a towel . that works . i saved us seats . oh , thank you , homie . thank you , roll of masking tape . uh , gonna be a tight fit . springfields the only home that weve got but to be frank , theres not a lot to recommend it weve got a big sinkhole and they shut down the think hole hashtag springfieldpride has never ever trended this is not boosterism . warm up the horse . but when you think of the things we lack stead of the stuff weve got why springfield . why not . weve only had a hurricane once we havent had a circus fire in months springfield why not . oh , were just off the interstate ah , the second right off exit he didnt blow his line . sarah , lets have another . you may find our culture lacking we finally outlawed our snake whacking sure , our cops are easily bought and our dentists are all self taught but hooray for springfield give two cheers smallpox free for seven years why springfield . why not . what a song . i feel as if im in the lobby of the brill building . homer , its a standing ovation . get up . our kids just did something amazing . well , not maggie . get up . okay , . standing o or die . woo hoo . stop laughing at me . occupied . stop fearing me . damn it . please keep spinning it . i dont want to look at it . cant you say something to make me feel better . im sorry , but i cant . im tired of you saying planes have gotten smaller and two presidents were fatter than you , and fine , i got it . starting right now , a yearlong juice cleanse . every morning , i get a colonic , and i sleep in a sauna every night . oh , thats not a healthy way to lose weight . its not about health , marge , its about going crazy . you dont have to do this alone . what the . hmm . this is it . my name is roy , and this week i gained seven pounds . yes . no shame there . you go , girth . huh . oh , im sorry . i thought you were over feeders anonymous . no , . in fact , quite the opposite . we are big is beautiful . so you guys are proud of what you are . we do not cower in the shadows , we make the shadows . do you guys serve snacks . weve got ice cream hoagies , deep fried sugar bags , dorsnickos , snickeritos , milky snicks , porksicles , and of course diet soda . oh , got to have diet soda . oh , yeah , of course . yes , mustnt forget the diet soda . i have so many questions for you . first of all , is this floor reinforced . you know , maybe i shouldnt be here . i promised my wife id lose weight . huh . man if i may . oh , labels . our loved ones , though precious , can often be a hurdle . who are you . im the founder of our little group , albert . oh , like fat albert . we never use the word fat here . sorry . my dear fat friend , all your wife needs is a little education . now repeat after me . i am big . i am big . i am beautiful . i have a beauty of a sort to some . no one can make me feel bad about who i am because this is who i am . ditto . you know , ive always wanted to blindly follow somebody , and i think you just might be the guy . marge , kids , tonight was a turning point in my life . well , thats great , homie . just let me finish uploading this photo . homer no , marge , you have to listen . that place you sent me to changed my life . thank you , lord . and ill give up online scrapbooking , like i promised . they taught me that i dont need to lose weight . i should just be proud of what i am . what . restore , . i met a guy a wonderful guy oh , lord . its not what you think . his name is albert , and he taught me not to buy into the lies taught by big nutrition . thats worse than what i thought . marge , youre my wife of ten years and i love you , but i must observe the teachings of this man i just met tonight . now , the first thing i have to do is make amends . with the bathroom scale . im so sorry i threw you across the room and called you a liar . when you told me i was pounds , you were just encouraging me . it was a poem you were writing about my potential . im gonna start celebrating my size , and i need you with me as a partner . now , if youll excuse me , i need to talk to the broken porch swing . homer so , from now on , you guys can no longer say these hateful words chubby , chunky , blobbo , slobbo , fat bastard , michelin man , stay puft , chumbawumba , it is balloon . papa grande , augustus gloop , beached whale , big boned, , wisconsin skinny , butterball , dump truck , jelly belly , pudgy wudgy, , lard ass, , blubberino , buddha belly , hurry eat tubman , one ton soup , blob saget , chub hub , calvin cool whip , manfred mannboobs , walking before picture , fatso , harvey milk chocolate , obese want cannoli , mahatma gumbo , salvador deli , elmer pantry , kfc and the sponge cake band , snackie onassis , the foody blues , hoagie carmichael and wide load . what about mr . two belts . good , . by which i mean , bad , . you know , as long as were opening this up  and im glad you are  i want to tell you guys that when you call me a gargoyle , a troll or a homunculus , it kind of hurts my feelings . what . youre kidding . we never dreamed . who knew goblins had feelings . you see . thats what im talking about . because crowd were big . were proud . two of us can make a crowd . sorry , fellas . theres a movement i have to join . ive learned theres something more important than drinking eating . thank you for the easy financing . what the .  . your store is forcing unattainable body images on our young people . i say , end the thinsanity . you , my friend , are wrong . every girl should look like a sexy praying mantis from milan whose hips are narrower than an italian parliamentary majority . whew . okay , people , shows over . nothing to eat here . now move along . if you can . if not , were gonna have to take you in . clancy , what are you doing . youre one of us . youre right . take me in , lou . ow , ah . hey . why . ah , geez , lou . you seem to be enjoying this . just doing my job , chief . oh , thats some nice tase work , lou . homer simpson . homer right here . excuse me . pardon me . coming through . coming back . excuse me . pardon me . there we go . uh , coming up . what can i do for you . youre free on bail . people , give thanks to that woman , standing up for all of us , even though shes a lighty . thank you . although , i think the worst thing that ever happened to my husband was joining your group . ill handle this . what is the point of a long life if its not enjoyed . homer , you have to choose . and i think the choice is clear . guys , im coming back in . suck in your guts . home . whee . whee . whos he giving a piggyback ride to . we dont know . mom , whats wrong . how come dads not with you . are they setting bail by the pound . he chose to spend the night in a jail with strangers instead of me . mom , lisa and i learned that we can solve any problem through song . lisa , lets go write something thatll change dads mind . do you really think that we can write a song that does that . i just wanted to get out of the room . she was really bumming me out . ah , geez . i thought writing another hit song would be easier . well , it wouldve helped if you hadnt crumpled up all the paper before we wrote anything on it . no more judgment . no more jokes . we will not be made to feel less than because we are greater than . i was distinctly promised no math . homer , i want to say something extremely important the way a woman does  subtly , through someone else . kids take it , bart . you take it . i gave it to you . i refuse to accept it . lenny just start the song . we couldnt write a song . were one hit wonders . but is that such a crime . look at j . d . salinger . franny and zooey . rubiks cube . rubiks snake . charles m . schulz . youve got me there . its her fault . she was sucking all the gangsta out of everything . well , youre the only gangsta i know with a bedtime . mom said . ah , kids , stop arguing . or keep arguing . i dont care . homer , im sorry i tried to help you control your weight . im not sure of anything anymore . sorry i ever opened my mouth . marge , its not your fault that you cant win against a superior being like albert . mmm . but , marge , i dont want you to ever stop caring about me . how can you follow a leader who wont even get up out of his chair . marge , i believe youre forgetting americas greatest wartime wheelchair bound leader professor x of the x men . its not that professor x wouldnt get up , its that he couldnt . well , ill show you who can get up . thats right . i dont need this scooter . all of you , follow me to the future . oh , dear god . stick a forklift in him , hes dead . ive never written a eulogy before , but this time , i did . unfortunately , i left it at home . thanks , lady . what albert taught us is that all people have pride and no group should ever be insulted . he knew what was important was how you lived your life every day . till he was taken from us too soon , at the age of twenty three .  . people , for gods sake , join a gym . kumiko , would you still love me if i lost weight . much more . marge , im sorry i was proud of myself . thats not really what i was it will never happen again . now come on . lets walk home . absolutely . can i ask you something . what is it that keeps you with me . its because everything you love , you love so much . because you love me , i will not stop yo yo dieting till i get it right . oh at last . well done , dad . you finally reached emotional maturity . unlike bart . barts very mature . take it from the little boy in his tummy . now , when do i get to be the head again . soon . its always soon . whoa . oh . i wish i had said that earlier . shh . springfield . stop that crazy thing . ive printed out our driving plan . if we work together , we can get bart to his sports , lisa to her music , and maggie to the five birthday parties shes invited to today . im not spending my precious saturday chauffeuring those overprivileged kids to a better life than i ever had . i need a ride to cub scouts . why are you asking me . is your thumb broken . have him back by fathers day . homie , are you dressed . you have soccer setup in minutes . homie . moe , quick  beer me before i answer the phone . ah , the first pour of the day . let me just tie on my apron , limber up the old tap pulling arm oh eh i need it now . hey , marge . im supposed to help drive the kids . oh , man , i wish i knew that sooner , but i just had a beer . youre already drinking at in the morning . how much have you had . come on . whoo hoo . off the hook . oh , looks like this is all me . homer yeah , while youre at it , can you pick me up some beer . oh well , weve got an hour . who wants coffee . okay , but im buying . no , i insist . im stealing . see you at the bake sale , sucker . so sideshow mel is drinking here all afternoon . when i show him the tab , he says he left his wallet in his other skirt , and he pays me with this . hey , this is a ticket to see laney fontaine . shes the brassiest broad on broadway . shes funny and vulgar and full of hollywood stories , like , uh jimmy stewart was a super nice guy . oh , geez , now i want to go . why cant ya . i cant close down the bar on a saturday . thats when you guys can drink , cause youre not working for three days . hey , moe , ill take care of the bar . you did me a favor today . huh well , okay . uh , let me just show you where everything is . uh shotgun , shells , blood mop , bag of lime and thats it . now , boys , i gotta get dressed for the , uh the a . and done . dare i say it . yippee . oh i didnt know we could decorate our cars . no , its a here to there smile . when thats on my grille , im getting paid to drive people around . so youre a taxi . no no , . were a social media ride share service . we bring the fair back to fares . those arent air quotes . my fingers start doing that after theyre around the wheel all day . mm . well , i drive all day , and i dont get paid a thing . with the money you make , i could buy a fridge with an ice maker . do you want to work for us . sure . are you over . yes . and are you under . yes . youre in . oh . what the . when i was a young car , i didnt sit around smiling , like i had nothing better to do . man , moes barely got two nickels to rub together . i know a way we can make this moes biggest saturday night ever . how does moe make money if ladies drink free . thats the beauty part . this place is about to be filled with guys buying beers , hoping to meet ladies . brilliant . oh , and thanks for telling me what the beauty part of it was . so they pull out my gall bladder , zip me up . i grabbed a cab , tapped my understudy and said , not tonight , honey . and heres the song i killed em with . if this isnt love the whole world is crazy if this isnt love whos this patrick swayze . she changed the lyrics . for me . then came the bombs tobacco valley , what color is your tambourine , and the smell of music  but im still here . and id like to dedicate this song to the one great love of my life , the man who was my third and fifth husband  but you never know what the future holds . oh ho . huh . not a man in sight . we got the cheery red tomatoes , a bachelorette party oh . lady duff . i am woman , hear me pour . oh , yeah . theres no guys . we havent made any money . not yet , but at least were hearing some interesting conversation from those two book clubs . well , we thought the heaven lovers club was rich and spiritual . we thought it was maybe a little slow . oh , well , maybe i can liven it up for ya . let me help you up . ow . moe oh , yeah . uh , okay , stop here , please . so this is the charming tavern youve been telling me about . yep , nice and cozy and wha . my crap hole . my precious crap hole . anyone tries to stop me , and youll see her lovely bones all over the floor . this is nuts . tell me you still work , love tester . oh , im ruined . sorry , moe . i love losers , but only after theyve bounced at the bottom . cause im the brassiest piece of sass in this whole damn town . hyah . you guys cost me my chance with a woman of a certain age . hey , come on , all is not lost . this coasters fine . you are not my friends . to me , youre just mouths drinking beers . you cant mean that . we dont look at you that way . yeah , im im sorry for snapping at you guys , but im ruint . i have to live on my savings here . all right , who rubbed my nickels .  . hey , wait a minute  we can get you a job . theres an opening at the nuclear plant , cause of that guy that defected to north korea . good old dae ho . used to give me the pickles off his sandwich . and all i had to do was let him copy some keys . moe , can you pass a background check . um eh er , uh eh sure . well , then , youre in . how far do they go back . six months . okay , im gonna apply in a week . whoa , mom . someone wants you to give them a ride . at last . ill earn money for schlepping . well , your mom has a job and my dad still doesnt . just wait till winter comes , son . therell be driveways to salt . long , driveways . thanks for the lift . its nice to know i can get a ride without having to put out . youre welcome . you know , if you really want to get your belly button pierced , go see a professional . im ready for you , babe . im gonna have this done properly , at a kiosk in the mall . im shauna . welcome to springfield nuclear , szyslak . well start you off in janitorial , but there is room for advancement . hey , i sure appreciate this , fellas . what you guys did to me , then for me , ill never forget slash , so thanks a lot . also thanks a lot . whats for dinner , mom . i im sorry , but im not your mother . hey , im the one payin . fine . theres meat loaf . mmm . whats meat loaf . left . left . left , . eh left . flamingos turn pink from eating shrimp . cats have over a hundred vocal cords . the golden gate bridge is the longest span between two towers . why are you telling me all these things . isnt this cash cab . no . oh . its never cash cab . oh faster . eh , slower . hard a port . disco stu says hang a u . make a louie up here at the stop sign . blood bank . girl with big punching bags . so , for the love of god , get me to mexico . hey , swabbie , youve missed spots there , another one there , and there . every other spot is be grimed . its called a checkerboard floor , ya unwrapped mummy . youre f sir the nrc is here for a surprise inspection . we are gonna search this place from top to bottom . thats where all the problems are . ill handle this , uh youre the head inspector , huh . yes , i am . how come , on your badge , you got a mustache , but now youre not wearing one , huh . oh , i was freddie mercury in a queen cover band , but , uh , then i got demoted to brian may . yeah , well , im thrilled for your musical career and everything , but , uh , we got no way of knowing that this is you . i mean , we gotta be careful here . this is one of them , uh , highly sensitive joints . itll take me weeks to grow that mustache back . or years , to get a new badge . yeah , well , thats your problem , aint it . you will see us again , in god knows when . young man , how do you fit such brilliance into such an ugly , ethnic head . well , if you own a bar , you either keep it clean or learn to deal with inspectors . and moe dont clean . interesting attitude for a janitor . what say we make you the new supervisor of sector g . me , a supervisor . i feel like i overdosed and went to heaven . those smart cars are cutting into our business . we used to get uber amounts of work giving people lifts . i come to america to drive taxi . now my cab sits empty , like sochi marriott . well , boss , the main problem is marge simpson . shes prompt , courteous and a joy to ride with . how do you know so much . oh , she , uh , drives me to work every day . and unlike the rest of you cowards , shes not afraid to parallel park . whoa , fellas , that is not acceptable . this is a nuclear plant . huh . no one was in there . look , moe , the least you could let me do is anything i want . all right , let me be honest with youse . after all the money this plant lost on that nitwit , elon musk , theyre looking for cutbacks , so ive been going over your record . oh . yeah , the only reason you havent been fired is because your file here was holding up a sofa that was missing a leg . well , thats the logic  wheres the affection . well , as supervisor , i cant fraternize with the , uh , whats the word . scum . anyway , because i am your friend , you are safe . but youre gonna be reassigned . smithers , what profit a man if he gain the world , and lose his soul . seriously , i need an amount . in round dollars . plant watering guy . yes , go ahead . uh , and be careful with the venus flytrap . all right . they say you catch more flies with honey . i say , with flytraps . what do i do now . just lean into it . itll be over soon , one way or another . oh , all right . doh . hey , guys , you mind if i join you . they ran out of beaujolais cru in the executive dining room and i aint drinkin white with my coq au . i think id rather sit somewhere else . yeah , im gonna take my lunch back to the core . now they wont even have lunch with me . well , you know , people can kind of act like theyre in grade school . oh , now you gotta throw your grade school education in my face . you know , moe , youre a real jerk . i didnt mind so much when it came with beer . i dont need youse . im all the company i need . heh . oh . oh . i just lost my appetite . marge , which can makes me look cooler  the drizzler or mr . drip . aw , your leaves are drooping . here , let me turn that gloom into bloom . dee dee, , doo doo, , homer simpson . working with those plants is great . its helped you get in touch with your feminine side . feminine .  . i didnt mean to use that word . i its okay to have a feminine side . its good , in fact . oh it was rainin hard in springfield i needed one more fare to make my night i got a push notification on my smartphone passenger ahead , race white . mind if we drive in silence for a bit . whatever you want . i asked if there was somewhere i could take him he said , just drive me , lady blue i said , ive had my share of unhappy fares he said , i sure miss slingin brew . moe , i think wed both be a lot happier if we quit our new jobs . you know , i think youre right there , midge . im gonna build my bar back up , better than ever . how hard can it be , eh . oh , god , this is so much worse than i remember . so , you drop off your lover and go back to stealing our jobs . hes not my lover . let the man speak . medallions . air fresheners . step away from the social media , peer to ride share platform . now , promise me youll leave her be and wipe down your backseats annually aw , come on . okeydoke . now beat it . uh , i think it might be time to hang up the old beaded seat cover , there . yep . and i know a place that could use this smile . whew . its sure great to see you jerking our suds again , moe . yeah , i figured out that the best way for me to get along with most people is to be kept behind a two foot trunk of solid oak . looks more like poplar to me . why , youse correcting me on my knowledge of wood products . dont you slide me down the bar . so good to be back . oh , shut up . well , im back where i belong , eh . youre not alone anymore . what the hell was that . oh , youll find out . shh . springfield . mmm . paper jam . okay , dad , im ready for take your daughter to work day . how come theres never a take your son to work day . cause boys are already on track to get all the good jobs . the dirty dozen . all guys . twelve angry men . uh , men . the x men . mostly men . good one , dad . yeah . well , despite all that , todays going to be fun , dad . will there be lots of other girls there . just a few . for some reason , theres been a lot of infertility at the nuclear plant . after we show you the wealth of jobs in the steno pool , a hearty luncheon of bison with lake beaver will be served . girls ew . and upon leaving , you will each receive a piece of orangewood to bite down on during childbirth . excellent . its getting harder and harder to maintain my sunny disposition , smithers . oh , youre always my ray of shut up . dad , what does that do . i dont know . whos that guy . i dont know . where do those pipes lead . not sure . is it called the cooling tower because theres not my department . how many kilowatts are . look , sweetie , would you like to go to the cafeteria and get some ice cream . how many kinds are there . curse that elon musk . thanks to that earth smooching buttinski , im on the verge of bankruptcy . all i have left are the clothes on my back and the clones in my freezer . i had to replace my beloved hounds with teacup poodles . its pathetic . watch . release the hounds . aw . no . help . oh , stop . oh , spare me . and all i got from mr . musk was an electric car , which i charge by stealing power from my nosy neighbor . hey , dippily do, , neighbor oni . stupid branson . but i have a new scheme that will undo the terrible damage done by my other schemes . i have an appointment with a nigerian king to negotiate a uranium deal that will put me right back on top . huh . nothing can stop you , sir . but , uh , not that youre not at the top of your game . uh , what if you dont get the deal . ill just have to sell everything and move to the south pacific with you . what a grim fate that would be . and with your omelet , would you like the fried potatoes or the mixed berries . ill have the berries . ah . a terrible fate indeed , sir . oh , no . my almond milk leaked all over everything . dad , do you have anything i can eat . hmm . oh , uh , i will turn this corn chip into a wonderful meal , using my greatest skill  lunchroom trading . shut your eyes . pretty impressive , homer . but what about the presentation . the eyes taste first , then lips , then palette . then the bodys harshest critic  the colon . okay , sweetie , open those baby blacks . wow , dad . thank you . oh . welcome , your majesty . mr . burns , i dont know what you have heard , but i do not eat monkey brains from a skull . oh , this is for me . before we begin , i have a favor to ask . my daughter is traveling with me . hello . she is my true treasure . during our complicated negotiations , i need someone to look after her , keep her out of trouble . hmm . that man is the perfect choice . what .  . sir , thats homer simpson . you forgot that hes the most incompetent homer simpson would be perfect . simpson , all you have to do is babysit the princess  keeping her in this hotel room during the negotiations . babysitting , eh . what do i know about kids . homer simpson , i give you princess kemi of nigeria . watch that girl like a hawk . princess , whyd you put on that coat . youre obviously cold . may i escort you to the radiator . no . i want to go out . im years old . uh , just a second . hey , marge . yeah , im working late . yup , special project . lenny said you were babysitting , and if you are babysitting , why cant you do some at home . i could use a night out . sorry , marge , but i am the royal babysitter . if i start watching commoners , the tongues of the court will be awag . really . awag . really . well , if you think that i want to go out and see the america whose greatest cities ive only seen destroyed in movies . i see . you want excitement . princess , have you ever heard of studio cbgbs , the roxbury . yes . ive dreamed of all gone . but in their place , we have all awesome . sit down , and ill show you . so , all these concubines belong to this one tyrant . hes called the bachelor . please let me go out . all right , princess . ill take you to a place thats fun with a capital f . moe , this is kemi . shes an honest to princess . ah , really . hey , tell me something . i heard that queen elizabeth in person is actually not that funny . i am from africa . wow , africa . i had a good friend who really wanted to go there . so , uh , you speak english there . i speak five languages . nobody does . uh , which means what . i dont wish to show off . yeah , thats pretty good there , uh , but dont expect me to bow and scrape . uh , well , ill give you one scrape . yeah , thats it , majesty . notice i didnt say your . oh , they dont make them like you in nigeria . nigeria . homer , can i speak to you in private . can i try it . ah , you got to be mad at something . well , im mad im not doing it . okay , ill tell you why im mad . a few months back , i got an unsolicited e mail from an actual nigerian prince . the prince needed to transfer million out of the country . he offered to split that with me if i paid the five grand for the transfer fees . homer and you gave it to him . moe yeah , i did . i was sure the guy was on the level because of his bad spelling and grammar . now , guess how much of the million i saw . million . ze ro . get out of here . if kemi there is a nigerian princess , her brother just might be the nigerian prince that took my money . whoa , . listen , moe , im kemis guardian . she and i are going back to the hotel now . shes gone . and she trashed my bar . oh , no , wait . she actually cleaned up a little bit . yeah , good for her . chief , thank god . i was drinking at moes , and i lost an african princess . lost african princess , eh . well , lucky for you , she just happens to be in the back of my cruiser . yes . the prayer i forgot to say has been answered . what the . youre going straight to the drunk tank , rummy . african princess . chief , i just saw someone robbin the kwik e . oh , now african princesses are robbing the kwik e , huh . get in the car , booze bag . chief , i have been shot in the shoulder . in the car . what is this , st . patricks day . why , this is terrible . cant even think of anything to mumble to myself . thats how upset i am here . hello . first of all , i wanted to pay . also maybe i wanted to talk more to you . really . okay there , moe , you got to get to the brother , because he knows what my pin number is , and i forgot . yeah , duly noted . uh , so , your tootsieness , tell me about your family . got any aunts , uncles , cousins , sisters brothers . i have a brother . yes . one . i see . now , moe , dont jump to conclusions . a lot of people have brothers . does he have a computer . yes . moe its him . homer guys , thanks for bailing me out , but i still have a huge problem . well , till we find her , maybe we could get somebody to pretend to be her . you know , get a nice wig and a dress . oh , no , i am not dressing up like an african princess . i am not . i am not . i am not . thank you for listening to my objections . well , you were really vehement . uh , hello , simpson . just checking up . may i speak with the princess . um , yeah , sure . uh hello , this is the princess . im with homer simpson , and i do declare hes wonderful . oh , thats right , im from south africa . fiddle dee . well , sounds like everythings going just the way i want it . yeah , so all my moneys tied up in this jernt . cant even afford elocution lessons to teach me how to pronounce joint . i guess i could do it online , but , uh , whats the pernt . what whats so funny . i thought my english was perfect , but you make me feel even better about it . eh , usually people that tease me get thrown out on their ass . but , uh , your sayin it made me feel good . geez , i sound like one of those guys in them rom coms that play at the theaters next to the theater im in . heh . so , uh , whats a princessess like you , uh , do all day , huh . a lot of spinning wheels and witches treating you like crap . i read . are you familiar with the books by my countryman chinua achebe , things fall apart and no longer at ease . hey , you guys got real optimistic literature there . fair comment . i havent eaten all day . well , dont eat those eggs . uh , we dont know what kind of bird they turn into . but theres a string cheese or something in the fridge in the back . uh , help yourself . all right , after she eats , id better close up . oh . come on , pal . come on . thats really stuck there good . ah , i cant be mad at her no more . good night , moon . good night , broom . good night , jukebox that wont play a tune . good night , eggs . good night , dregs . good night , bugs crawlin up my legs . good night , beer . good night , mice . good night , princess who treats me nice . yeah . so my offer for one ton of your uranium is a goat . will you stop offering me that . i come from a modern nation of million people . two goats . you are starting to insult me . all right , lets cut to the chase . my board has given me permission to go up to goats . how about here , sir . looks good to me . im so sorry i pretended not to be gay for all those years . well , better an old queen than never a queen at all . pay attention . my last offer okay , but no dogs disguised as goats . oh , great , here comes the haggling . well , look whos up . heh . uh , princess , im gonna do something for you ive never done for anyone in this bar . call you a cab . no . i want to spend time with you . i want to see this town . do you mind ridin a cute little scooter with your arms around my waist . i dont . to the scooter store . and after you eat the soup you can eat the bowl or you can put kerns in it . what , uh , whatever you like . i have a confession to make . this is my first montage . just relax and enjoy the music . moe szyslak . this is the part of the fairy tale where the princess goes back to the hotel and watches tv . come with me . so where are we headed , dude . just go and go fast . okay , um , usually i do kind of a funny take on an airline pilot greeting the passengers . you know , like , hey . thank you for flying air kevin . if you look out to the left of the pedicab , you just move the pedals . whoa , sounds like the tower has cleared us for takeoff . were tryin to escape that guy . well , dude , as long as he can run , he can beat us . doh . so , anyways , the place that i really feel the pedaling . its my legs . okay , all right , were safe . actually , i wanted to go back with him . i dont want to get my father mad , o . go back . but i didnt show you the place where dave grohl got mugged . i have to leave , but i still had a wonderful day . moe thank god i shaved my forehead this morning . a paparazzo . please dont send that . if my father sees it , will ruin my life . well , thanks for making it so easy . and you have the million goats . two , now . on delivery . very good . um , shouldnt we see how the princess is doing before you sign , your majesty . what are you talking about , smithers . i cant even trust you to watch an impetuous adult who does what she wants . the deal is off . smithers wow . after spending my life serving others , im finally gonna get what i want . uh , sir , there may be a bright side . theres never a bright side . smithers hes almost mine . yes , youve torn that up , all right . father , i want to explain . i was a young woman who wanted to see the world , and this kind man has shown it to me . and stolen your heart . eh , well , thats what i do . uh , sorry , but there aint no off switch for this . he has not stolen my heart . wha .  . why has he made the ancient tribal sound of confusion . i think he is a sweet , man . but when i kissed him on the forehead , it was not romantic . more like when snow white kissed dopey . oh , no , not this comparison again . im sorry , moe . i dont love you . but i really like you . well , daughter , even though you have done nothing seriously wrong , first i will tear this contract one more time . and as for you , your punishment will be uh , may i speak to you , majesty , father to father . a woman has allowed you to sire her children . there was beer involved . i have two daughters . and ive learned you have to let them go their own way . even the one year . majesty . and the older one , i cant tell her what to do . and shes only . eight . see what i mean . always an argument . but the thing you have to remember is that you have to let them be who they are because you love them . i am not convinced . uh , because you want them to grow . still not convinced . and because you cant strangle a girl . that makes sense . oh come here , daughter . oh , father . little girl , let me give you some advice . never dream big , because it will blow up in your face . youre talking to the girl who wants a career in jazz . oh , poor thing . so the good kings cheap uranium will allow me to sell you expensive nuclear power . everyone wins . yes , . princess . can you tell us about the man you kissed . moe uh , yeah , ill field that . uh , yesterday , a local man may or may not have given a tour to a certain princess , who , uh , one assumes , turned all his thoughts of revenge to love and then love to respect . and yesterday , a certain princess may or may not have seen much of your world with a certain man , and she certainly might be eternally grateful . oh , this is vague stuff . vague stuff . i did not think this through . moe , before i left , i just wanted to give you these examples of our most beloved , albeit depressing , literature . ah , some nice bedtime readin . fun premise . im laughing already . really not cheerin me up here , but , uh , let me offer you the only literature in this bar  sure works for me , though . this coaster . i will treasure it . well , i guess youll pine forever for a man who doesnt care , while i just grow old here in this bar . yeah . heres to suffering in silence . oh . mm . cant wait to see those numbers hanging from my rafters . i cant believe its been three years since smithers left . man , have i been aging badly . but i guess i can finally wash this forehead . oh , divine . oh , god , what do you want . well , neighbor , now that your streak of rum luck is at its end , i have a favor to ask . it involves charity . ive set up the virgin earth challenge , a million prize to eliminate greenhouse gases , that i was hoping you would add to . where are the hounds when i need them . theyre on a free virgin galactic flight around the world . can you go five blasted minutes without saying the word virgin . thats another virgin challenge . that i will not be virgin taking . virgin . shh . springfield . lets roll . sniper . ah , um , well , you know how i love to roll , but , uh , my wife ordered a new dust ruffle for our bedroom , and , uh , she had it shipped to the station . if im not here to sign for it , theyll take it back to the package place , and that is a whole nightmare . love you guys . uh , yeah , i got a delivery here for , uh , clancy wiggins . wiggins . n n , its wiggum . wiggins . thats not even a real name . whats a wiggins . no , really , tell me . wh what is that . okay , so youre not clancy wiggins who ordered this , uh , skymaster x jet pack . jet pack . of course im clancy wiggins , you idiot . chief clancy jetpack . wow . well , boys , justice has a new name  up . uh , chief , it says here you need to take a training course and get certified before you can legally im not the police anymore . im the sky police . okay , . i think i got it . no , i got it , i got it . wiggum sky police chief clancy wiggins is the sky police a floating future cop , sky police fly , police squash perps on their heads they wont know why theyre dead sky police in my jet pack , im flying high above the law im just like superman powered by great big fans ill kill you all im sky police . ugh , why dont you take that thing off , chief . its starting to smell . what , so you can steal it and be sky police . oh , no . no way . im brigadier general clancy wiggins . apparently a military issue jet pack was mistakenly delivered here while i received this off brand dust ruffle . um oh . well , theres only one floating future cop who can find that missing jet pack  the sky police . this is the end of sky police . you were the wind beneath my ass . stupid church . why would jesus want us to waste our weekend on extra boring , no recess, , dress up school . exactly . the dude was a carpenter . and those guys like to kick back on sundays . and i mean kick back . guys , church is good for your souls . and remember , god is listening to your prayers . what percentage of prayers really come true . well , not all of them . like , um , . god doesnt hear my prayers . if he did , id be at home on the couch playing video games in a diaper . oh , god gets your prayers , but he just clicks delete without reading them , like e mail updates from linkedin . i hope no one was hurt . so no church . my prayers were answered . boom . dont worry , reverend , according to your policy , your church is covered for everything but acts of god . but we believe everything that happens everywhere is an act of god . my jiminy , youre right . were off the hook . hey . those cornell men at the head office are gonna be doing the saluki strut tonight . go southern illinois . all saluki strut . so we have no money to repair the church . and developers are itching to build on our land . fast casual dining downstairs , live work lofts upstairs , and as an anchor store  a chain pharmacy . why , its a mixed use nightmare . this building is the heart of our community . we have our weddings here , our funerals . our fun runs begin and end here . i will not rest until it is rebuilt . i cant believe it , but the church is going to have to ask people for money . who keeps putting pickle slices in here . i think i can help you get the money that you need . but you dont go to our church . granted , i do not share your faith , but the yahoos in this town need a church to deliver weekly reminders not to steal  from me . and not to take a life  my life . yar , without organized religion , ive lost me moral compass . also ive , uh , ive been addicted to oxy for a while now yar . yar . now , this is what i have got in mind . i will whisper even though we are alone . all right , people , marge has brought this heathen to aid us in our time of need . please do not call me a heathen . it offends hanuman , the monkey headed lord of winds , who believed the sun to be a ripe mango okay , i get it , i get why you say it . apu thinks we can get the money at the casino playing blackjack . the casino .  . blackjacks for suckers . my brother . he used to own three arbys franchises . lost em all at the tables and gave himself a shotgun tonsillectomy . but you told me uncle stevie moved to okinawa . what i told you was to wait in the car . no , you can beat the house . by counting cards . i myself have done it  when i was a student at mit , the mumbai institute of tantric sex , where i was recruited by a card counting ring . i won enough money to buy fake sat scores i used to get into the real mit , where i failed every class and was kicked out and had to move to springfield . mm hmm . mmm . am i hearing this right . is the church council truly considering gambling . you know , ned , the bible never explicitly condemns gambling . biblical folks were always playing games of chance , like , uh , drawing lots . leviticus drew lots . joshua drew lots , nehemiah . even the apostles were lot drawers . if gamblings okay , then im getting health insurance for the kids . card counting is not gambling . it is math . and its not even against the rules . exactly . if you are caught , you cannot be charged with any crime . the worst they will do is beat you with a phone book or break some fingers . but what is a little pain if your church is to be saved . it is all good . counting cards requires absolute focus . you must ignore all casino distractions . and beware of cocktail waitresses with free drinks and eyeball height cleavage . theyre not attractive , but you cannot look away . freshen your drink , hon . who had the scotch and soda . cocktails . cocktails . another one , hon . you , what is the count .  . get your head in the game , mel . now remember , for this legal  but frowned scheme to work , we must have complete secrecy . do not tell anyone what you are doing . not even homer . homer is many things but not a good accomplice . if he gets involved and this scheme fails , what happens to our church . oh , even i saw that . i guess i cant tell homer . im leaving for my fund raising meeting . dont wait up . why are you church os getting together so late . im asking because im supposed to care about things . well , to raise money , were putting on a revue . well , you cant go wrong with a revue . skits and songs . im entertained already . yeah , so , uh im going out to rehearse the revue . go . go make magic . you just go . revue . apu card counting is simple . all sit at different tables , betting low , playing hand after hand , counting in your head how many high cards are left in the deck . ignore all distractions . when the count is high , you have a hot deck , and the odds are in your favor . then you use a secret signal to call in the closer . the closer bets big , wins bigger , and the casino never suspects that it has been the victim of a morally acceptable screw job . but use caution  there are eyes everywhere . sooner or later , the casino will catch on . and that is when you must flash the get the hell out signal . lovejoy what a haul . marge oh . one more night like this , and well be able to fix the church in style . what a rush  it got my blood pumping in a way i thought only quiet reflection could . fizzy water for everyone . i think we can do something a little harder than that . mmm . now , thats a marshmallow y smore garita . homer , we did it . wh whatd you do . were going to save the church . i feel like celebrating . b but but its not on the calendar . okay , but if im sleepy at work tomorrow , i get to tell everyone why . oh , boy , oh , boy . and a . m . steak . night marriage rules . i guess nothing gets the heart pumping like a church revue . huh . oh , yeah . yeah , the revue . oh , i got so many questions . what are the skits about . uh , pop culture and current events . how do you transition between scenes . hard blackouts or spotlight fades . uh , both . nice . you know , it wouldnt be a revue without songs . tell me about one . okay , uh , theres a song about , um how democrats and republicans cant get along . its called , cats and dogs . oh . you got yourself one hell of a show , marge . one hell of a show . okay , dont get cocky , you rapture waiting baby baptizers . you had one good night , but now the casino is on to you . theyre not going to let you anywhere near those blackjack tables , unless you wear these . marge disguises . im worried our scam is becoming dishonest . relax , marge . if god lets the jews have sunday on a saturday , hell be cool with this . why , i bet the lord is pleased as punch that were using that dirty casino money to rebuild his temple . our mission is lovejoy where has this been all my life . helen and mrs . skinner moan i could be sideshow anyone . im telling mom about how the school freezer broke , and they had to cook all the tater tots , and the teachers took the extra tots home in manila envelopes . im telling her . you never let me tell . mom , the freezer broke and cooked all the tater tots , cooked all the tater tots . and there were too many tots , too many tots . and there were manila envelopes , manila envelopes . and the teachers took them home both i hate you . marge okay , mel . ill be at the casino by . meet me at the lounge by the j . geils cover band . mom , why are you going to a casino . are you a hostess . actually , my friends and i are using a system to win money to save the church . i cant believe youre gambling . its not gambling . its math . is dad in on this takedown . its not a takedown . and i havent told him about it . yet . but its okay for you guys to know because youre finally grown up enough to be trusted with adult information . yeah , we are grown up . i know how much to tip a waiter . i go on hikes with my friends where we talk about our problems . ill tell your dad everything in the morning when we have the money . but until then , i appreciate you keeping this very grown up secret . dump that money on the bed . im taking a franklin bath . yeah dear lord , thank you for granting us the gift of rationalization to allow us to scheme and swindle so that we might honor you . amen . marge homie . homie , i can finally tell you how we really got the money . homie . uh , marge . some casino guys have me , and they want the money you took from them or else . this is all my fault . just tell me one thing , marge . why did you lose faith in the revue . i mean , cats and dogs writes itself . cats and dogs on capitol hill they dont get along and never will cats and dogs , squabbles never ending even with so much legislation pending . homie , how did you end up at the casino . well , i was taking a moment to enjoy my after dinner night cap dad , mom trusted us with a secret . but she hasnt come home yet , and were worried shes in trouble . what .  . both moms counting cards at the casino . oh , if anything happens to marge , well all be orphans . im coming for you , baby . have you seen this woman . have you . have you seen my wife . this is your wife . do you know where she is . uh , wed like to ask you some questions in our beating room . all right , as long as its just questions . reverend . reverend . they took homer . why are you still dressed like that . um , well helen oh , asphodel your corpse bride is getting cold . uh , one second , belladonna . helen and i have found that , uh , these new personas have been quite liberating . was that a womans voice . send her in . if we dont give back the money we won counting cards , the casino people are going to hurt homer . okay , uh tiny snafu . ive already given the money to the contractor . then well just have to ask that contractor to give the money back . give the money back . hey , jerry , th they want the money back . la dama azul quiere devolver el dinero . are you gonna put my head in a vice . we dont do that  we dont even have a vice . we just want the money your wife stole from us . stole . how is counting cards stealing . well , its not really stealing . is it even cheating . no , but its just not allowed . i dont get it . football players can do the quarterback sneak and baseball players can steal bases . why cant i just remember which cards have been played . i cant take any more of this guy . get the vice . i knew you had a vice . i knew it . i knew it . i knew it . im sorry , marge . maybe your husbands suffering was all part of gods plan . gods plan . god isnt some video gamer up there controlling us like we were pac men and dig dugs . god isnt sky police . god didnt do this . i lied to my husband . and made my kids lie , too . we did this . shes right . we thought we could enter the den of sin and emerge unscathed , but we were scathed . those free ginger ales at the casino , i i didnt declare them on my taxes . im going to do what i should have done in the first place . put on a revue . marge dear lord , i dont have anywhere to pray anymore , so ive come to your new temple  here . um , i dont know if you watch us all the time , or if were just like an ant farm you got for your birthday and left on the shelf , and every once in a while , you check out what kind of crazy tunnels weve built . maybe we got it all wrong , praying for you to give us things we selfishly want . maybe prayer is just taking a moment to tell yourself that there is good in the universe . and im going to sit here and focus on that good , and maybe , just maybe , ill get my husband back . im doug blattner , coo of the gaming and resorts division of stuffers italian foods . my family loves your microwave lasagnas . its not my division , but ill tell bill kelley you said so . your unsanctioned religious gathering has caused a marked decrease in gambling activities . hpms are down thats hands per minute . iams , gdcs  theyre all down . i want my husband back . hmm , let me run it by jennifer yang . oh , wait , shes on maternity leave . dont worry  im sure chuck bennett will sign off on it . we are going to release your husband . see , marge , someone up in the sky did hear your prayers . they sure did  casino management . you are free to leave as long as your faith based card counting group never return to this or any other river or maritime casino . no deal . but we dont need to come back . we saved the church . no . an injustice has gone on here for too long . im not leaving this casino until you stop punishing people for counting cards . theyre just playing the game by the rules . homie , after all this , do you still believe in god . on a beautiful night like tonight , how could i not . lou next week on sky police sky police shh . springfield . huh . ay , caramba . i havent ridden a bike since lance armstrong was a good guy . geez , lis , youre riding the girliest bike in the world . oh , i stand corrected . hey , dipwad , bikes only . i need to pay my water bill . not on motorized transport , you dont . what you need to get is out of our way . yeah , bikes win again . trains win again . when will you people give up your dependence on handlebars . quite a schwinn dig, , eh . shut up , biking flanders . chief , no , dont go in the doughnut shop . your pants are too tight . oh , im just gonna eat one little drinkers , if you go on the wagon , make sure its the duff beer wagon . oh , yeah . duffman , how about a salute to americas military . my hips are proud to honor our endless war . one , two , three ow , god . somethings wrong with barry . never use my mortal name in public . i have very troubling news . duffman is undergoing hip replacement surgery . now , barry will be fine , but as of this moment there is no duffman . they came for joe camel , and i said nothing . they came for the frito bandito , and still i said nothing . so what are you saying now . about what . kent brockman duffman , the man , has retired . but duffman , the idea , endures . authorities are unsure whether the empty bottles are a beautiful tribute or just drunks too lazy to find a trash can . either way , the duff corporation announces an open televised competition to find out who will be the next duffman . in other news , the chinese land on mars . also , no more elephants . now , for more cool , refreshing news marge , what would you think if i tried out to be duffman . i know why you want to be duffman . its so you can drink free beer and get shnockered all day . sure , i admit i get shnockered once in a while . i might have been lacquered from time to time . i may have , how you say , had a subconjunctival hemorrhage . but this isnt about that . then what is this about . marge , if i died today , the obituary would read , h . simpson , father of three , extra pallbearers needed . being duffman would give me another line . okay , sweetie , you can try . great , but it wont be easy . i got to start practicing now . oh , yeah . oh , yeah . oh , yeah . ow . announcer ladies and gentlemen , your hostess , the inescapable cat deeley . are you ready to find out who will be americas next duffman . yes , cat , yes . a million times , yes . americas next duffman will be selected by the planets foremost experts in the field of party starting  best selling electronica artist , der zip zorp . former duff girl and current senator from oklahoma , the honorable missy lebeau . i look reasonable , but im not . and billionaire mumbai entrepreneur , rajneesh superstar . bottle service , ballers . now lets welcome the chairman of duff industries , mr . h . k . duff vii . thank you , cat . i just want to say , if we cant find ourselves a duffman out of this group , then maybe well just give up on the concept . brilliant . now , lets find our duffman . im coming up so you better get this party started im coming up oh , yeah . my two favorite words aside from seacrest passed , can i get an oh , yeah . oh , ja . oh , yes . ach . nelson haw haw . vo de . oh , yeah . im coming up so you better get this party started im coming up so you better get did you miss me . like mexico misses california . its down to two . and before revealing our results , former duffman , barry huffman , is here to wish you luck . i was told there would be morphine . oh , yeah . homer , any last thoughts on what duff means to you . without duff , i wouldnt have brought three beautiful children into the world . thats right , man . were beer babies . audience aw the judges are conferring . we have our decision . karma is in the house , dawg . homer , your words were beautiful . that is exactly why youre americas next top duffman runner up . the real winner is americas new hero  contestant number . what is it , der zip zorp . olde ogdenville ale . he drinks a competitor . reverse the confetti . and check the fat guy for tattoos . just one that says marge madness . these reality shows really leave you no privacy . well , i guess that makes this guy duffman . oh , do i get the confetti .  . one confettus . ow . i mean i mean , oh , yeah . thats how well tell the trades you got the job . seems awfully overproduced . just take the oath . night gathers , and now my duff watch begins . it shall not end until my death . or my option is not picked up . i shall take no wife , hold no lands , and father no children , except for the wife and house and kids im already stuck with . i shall wear no other beers crowns . i am the six pack hidden in daddys secret cabinet . i put the fest in oktoberfest and sell for eight bucks at ballparks , though i have nothing to offer but my suds , head and beers , and promotional cozies , for this night and all the nights to come . man when life looks hopeless , its not . duff beer , feeling no pain made from canadian rain tastes like nickel champagne it will tickle your brain duff beer , feeling no pain made from canadian rain . and heres a painting of my ancestor ichabod duff , crossing the duffaware river . ah , hell , this is all bs . duffman was a fascist icon my grandfather repurposed cause he couldnt get the damn rights to woody woodpecker . mr . duff , can i ask whats in this safe . little lady , inside that safe is the formula for duff itself , known only to three people  me , condoleezza rice , and my brother in terry . and the combination is not known to any human uh , what the . schlitz plus water . why dont you kids run off and play in the bottle cap pit . dont cut yourselves . mr . duff , i want to say something . im proud of my husband , but im not sure if this is something homie should be doing . just what do you mean . well , arent you making him a superhero so that beer looks cool to kids . uh , marge , let me tell you a little something about beer . do you know why man stopped running around , lassoing mastodons , and became civilized . no . so he could grow hops and make beer . its true . oh . our beer has helped people celebrate weddings . enjoy a good game . ease the pain of a lost loved one . thats the tradition your husband will inherit . geez , now you make me want to drink it . attagirl , have a designer bag . now , homer , there is one thing we needed to do in private . okay , what . ow . hey , thats not my butt . weve injected a chip in you that detects the slightest presence of alcohol in your blood . you see , duffman cannot drink . what . thats funny . i thought you just said that duffman cant drink . but that would be crazy . they all fight it at first . you wouldnt tell batman he couldnt eat bats . when youre duffman , youre at work , homer . you wouldnt go to the nuclear plant drunk , would you . uh well , uh my husband wont have any problem not drinking . yeah the only reason he wanted to become duffman was to be respected and beloved . uh and what better way to do that than to be stone cold sober . when my husband put on that costume , he didnt just put on a sleeveless shirt that says duff on it and a cape for some reason , he put on responsibility . and boots that i dont think will hold up in the rain . but the point is  its not about being drunk , its about being someone . youre right , marge . i will do something no one has ever done  be fun sober . what a crisp and refreshing attitude . hey , this stuff is pretty good . mmm , foamy marge . uh , thats the chip . no drinking . i was licking my wife . can you believe they put a chip in my arm , and i cant drink beer . ah . ah , gee , tough break . maybe moe could dig it out with a corkscrew . yeah . oh , i would love that , homer , i really would . but then duff might take away my neon sign , and , uh , its the only thing lighting the bar . barney whoa , creepy . stop shooting those at each other . relax , honey , no ones ever been killed by a t shirt cannon . oh , no , its the blahs . clocks blah , . help us , duffman . drink duff . care to team up with fruit batman . im thinking of dumping kid sourpuss here . im a hero . oh , i can see my obituary now . wow . wow . commentator watkins putting for the championship . its breaking towards the hole . time to move from the links to the drinks . well , if you guys like commercials , youre gonna love this . wait , we never said we liked commercials . drink , let the toast start may young hearts never part drink , let every true lover salute his sweetheart drink , to h . k . this new duffman is driving sales straight up . turns out , men like men who look worse than them selling them beer . why did it take us years to discover this . because executives are incompetent , sir . well , then why do i have so many . studies show when a decision is made by a group , everyone feels more confident , even though the decision could be incredibly stupid . is this true . cant argue with that . what do you guys think . did i hear a no from section c  . oh , uh , no , that was a , uh , whoa . oh . give the whole lower bowl a raise . uh , welcome aboard , duffman . fair warning now  at the end , i just might ask for an autograph for my son . here you go  theyre all pre signed . with nicknames . buddy , sport , tiger , red . uh , give me a red . ill start calling him that now , and then give it to him on his birthday . now , where to , sir . oh , this is a romantic night . how about everywhere . all right . navigator , set a course for everywhere . where the hell is that . i said everywhere . now , homer , look through the beeriscope , and gaze upon the wonderful world that you and duff have created . captain , it never dawned on me beer could have such a dark side . you must be talking about new duff stout . take us down . i have to think . to be honest , you said you wanted to go everywhere . so we ran out of fuel an hour ago , but i didnt want to disappoint you , so i will toss down a tow rope . hey , come here . man uh this is not good . marge , do you ever worry that you made a giant mistake in your life . oh , um i need a little context . not drinking beer has given me the clearness of mind to realize drinking beer is bad . ive got to undo what ive done . hey , how you doing . is this the most outrageous party youve ever been to . well , guess what . youve all been served nothing but nonalcoholic duff . barney then why am i throwing up right now . as duffman , i had the power to switch the beer trucks working this race . so you see , you dont need beer to have a good time . join duffman today in saying , ive had enough of that life ruining duff . why the hell did you do this . because duffman is a hero . and with great taste comes great responsibility . well , hero , here come your fans . so long , suckers . what the .  . so long , suckers . what the .  . its a circle . so the answer is  go in reverse . so long , suckers . what the .  . im not sure how many more times we can watch dad chased down by an angry crowd before it affects us psychologically . as a family therapist , i can assure you that you have all the coping skills you need . why is lisa talking to an empty seat . see you next tuesday , dr . schulman . oh , right . youre in maui . hey , my beer . get him back in uniform . hmm . homer , now , listen to me . youre in a stadium surrounded by people who want to kill you . they dont have the guts . ow . now , theres one way out of your hell . prove you still love beer . drink this with gusto . b but the chip . there never was a chip . it was all the power of suggestion . you tricked me . and i trusted you after you snuck up and injected me without my consent . just drink the beer , pretty boy . whatever you do , youll be my hero . now youre pushing it . homie , its time to go . come on , come on . give me the beer inside you . this place seems even sadder than before . uh , yeah , well , i kind of gloomed it up a little while you were gone . nothing to see here , sunshine . h hey, , y you used to be duffman . can i get a picture with you . i finally made it . im a has been . yeah , i guess youre right . ah , lets make it official , eh . aw oh , yeah . oh , yeah . oh , yeah . oh , yeah . sir , may i interest you in a french hazelnut latte and an iggy azalea cd . im not here for three buck coffee . im here to ask you to be duffman again . and to use the bathroom . i dont know what youre talking about , sir . fine , can you tell me where your travel mugs are . yeah , over there . come on , barry , i know its you . sorry , h . k . i traded in my beer goggles for coffee grinding pince nez . are you telling me you dont miss the big time . the girls on the side , the corporate jet . theres talk of an animated series . duffman would like a job where he could phone it in . you just called yourself duffman . duffman never took off his tights . lets go , girls . but were managers here . they learned the register better than me . oh , yeah . i see it as kind of a a triumph of of doing your work from that very pure place of of just doing stuff that you , uh , personally enjoy . shh . springfield . excuse me . im having trouble with the on off button on my phone . okay , let me check your settings , your photos . i dont see why you need to do that . wow , that guys really fat . thats my husband . oh . let me talk to another salesman . oh , im not a salesman . im just a guy in a blue shirt . oh . okay , maggie , from now on , we only talk to people at stores with name tags . ive said it before , but this time , i mean it . what happened . oh , someone snuck into the construction site , stole a bulldozer and went joyriding all over town . dont worry . i have a suspect . ha . i cant stand to see anything suffer . now ive got everything i need to convict your boy , except for motive , means and opportunity . you also have no evidence . thats implied . so , im remanding him is that a word  remanding . yeah , uh , to your custody . maybe a mother can find out what a police chief cant . hmm . what . oh . lets go . monarch butterfly , earwig , roly poly, , doodlebug , beer cap , ant , beer bottle , barney . all right , im on a list . flanders got a new dog . aw , whats her name . mahershalalhasbaz . we just call her baz . now its time for her christian doggy training . this will be interesting . sit . kneel . pray . play dead . now resurrect . and sit in glory at the right hand of todd . finally , a religion that makes sense . all right , mr . smarty , what went on back there . mom , why is it the only time you call me smart is when youre being sarcastic . really . do i do that . because i really shouldnt . youre the one in trouble here , bub . why dont you think about what you just did . why dont you think about what you just did . hmm . i will live with that forever , but this is about you . i swear to you on my mothers grave , i didnt do a thing . sorry , . so , the flanderses got a new dog , and it knows my name . good for you , little girl . marge , bart , ive noticed neither of you have said a word all meal . are there feelings going unexpressed here . because if there are i believe someone at this table isnt telling us the truth . master bart simpson . kids , could you excuse us for a moment . your mother and i need to have an adult conversation . whatd he do . whatd he do . your son stole a bulldozer . how do you know . a mother knows . does a wife know things . yes . i believe we were talking about bart . im afraid i dont know how to handle him anymore . oh , barts ten . hes too old to be handled . we should just think of excuses for when he goes bonkers . oh . acne medicine . when in doubt , blame the acne medicine . no , im not giving up on bart , just like i didnt give up on our marriage when you quit your job to start the north american sumo league . the nasl would have made money if someone had washed a few sumo loincloths for me . i said i would do yours , but not the whole dojo . bart , get in here . look me in the eye and tell me you know nothing about that bulldozer . i know nothing about that bulldozer . marge this is bad . he cant tell his mother what he does . where will that lead . any last words , boyo . i know nothing about that bulldozer . give him the juice . which ones yours . the one being electrocuted . ive never seen an eyeball pop so fast . i wish i could tell you about that bulldozer , but how can i explain something i know nothing about . i am not cable news . stop it . stop it . stop lying right now . but but you have to believe me . youre my mom . all right , i will believe you on this . smart . but until then , im going to keep my eye on you . all the time . all the time . how are you gonna change maggie . ah , close enough . otto all aboard . mom , what are you doing . i told you , to trust you , i have to watch you . all the time . mmm . youre gonna be riding this bus . im going to be watching my son wherever he goes . then youd better go out the back , cause thats where he went . doh . oh , you must be flanders new dog . i just want to apologize in advance for the things im gonna blame on you . homer , meet baz . oh , sorry , flanders . im sure she has fun with you . she sure likes you . must be the cheeseburgers in your sweat . cheeseburgers in my sweat . really . now , apparently , i have cheeseburgers in my sweat . i can leave any time , bart . just tell me what happened with that bulldozer . next question . fine . which papers on the walls are yours . none of them . is that the boy who copies off you . i copy off him .  . what brand of poppycock is this miscreant feeding you , madam . okay , mom , i admit it . theres a few lies i told you that youre gonna find out . simpson , you said your mother was dead . shes become a zombie . run . mom , churros are good for you . theyre ethnic . hey , simpson , you need your mommy to cut your carrots for you . he can cut his own carrots . baby carrots cause hes a baby . brilliant . mom , dad does plenty of stuff you dont like . why dont you follow him . following an adult is creepy . following your kid is parenting . im so lucky my moms in gainesboro , florida i think . is my mom still outside . shes swinging on a swing , and ralphs pushing her . ralph hello . good bye . hello . good bye . hello . good bye . hello . good bye . hello . good bye . i am never leaving this tube . sorry , lad . youve been in more than five minutes , so ive got to remove you . and im authorized to use the greatest weapon at me disposal . no . scotland . years , and weve only written one song . man . staying on this all pork diet is easier than i thought . that diet doesnt work . you have to give it a year . so , how was school today . well , actually , i caused quite a ruckus in the nurses office by pointing out they werent putting fresh paper on the lay down table . very good , sweetie . could you lean back . i have to focus on your brother . sure , . no need to worry about lisa . lisas always fine . no worries there . nah . aw . what are you doing here . i bet you escaped , and now flanders is worried sick . i should call him after i scratch your tummy . thats right . who likes their tummy scratched while flanders is worried sick . you do . you do . yes , you do . oh , he doesnt know where you are . yes , hes probably crying right now . come on , boy . well go to my room . i can play jazz , or give you a bath , or never chooses jazz . hmm . middle child . no one cares about the middle child . never , ever gonna change . lisa , can i talk to you . oh , here it is , the quick check in every two years just like clockwork . all right , let me speak to you in a language youll understand . oh , boy , oh , boy , lisa never gets it . shes great , and everyone knows that . oh , man , trying to stay mad . im kind of impressed that dads making an effort . its not really like him . i shouldnt say this . i should never say this , but i will . shes my favorite child . oh , now hes pulling out the big guns . oh , i dont want to pout anymore . if he offers me ice cream , im gonna break . you want some ice cream . yes . ice cream . oh , yeah , its kid whiskey . i knew he was gonna break . im gonna write a song . that makes them happy , and the best part is there such a thing as happy blues . there is now . i get some ice cream , too . boys , isnt that the ball that she wont play with . she likes it when uncle homer throws it . hes not your uncle . so that means i can marry maggie . quit asking me that . be ye friend or foe . well , be ye . this is the only place i can go my mom doesnt know about . bart , you know youre always welcome to come stay in my tree house . you dont have a tree house . my dads gonna build it . thats why i didnt get a present from him last birthday and christmas . its gonna be some tree house . milhouse , you dont even have a tree . hes gonna plant it soon . he just has to get enough money together to buy a pack of apple seeds . just hand me the mountain doo . your mom says that makes you bloated . give me the damn doo . finally safe from my mom . she wouldnt want to come way out here and ruin her dainty little shoes . when shes got that much hair spray , nothing can stop her . howd you find me . spool of thread in your pants . ill respool it for you . im good at doing things so i can pretend there isnt a fight going on . mom , you have gone too far . supermans mom would never go in his fortress of solitude . actually , the fortress of solitude has a statue of supermans mother . stop reading my comics . i cant help it  you leave them out everywhere . when will you leave me alone . when you tell me about that bulldozer . i know nothing about that bulldozer . milhouse , is there something you know about the bulldozer . well , i know the bulldozer was invented in by james cummings and j . earl mcleod . now , please , let me focus on the thread . got to get out . get to get out . homer doh . dad , are you gonna snitch on me . moes before bros . crouching tiger , hidden mom . whoopsy . hmm . oh . property of ned flanders . that means you got this from homer . lord , i truly love this dog , but maybe shed be happier next door . but i dont want to give her up unless you think its the best . as always , i will interpret the lack of any sort of response as a sign of thy will . well , the kid passed through again . we can all go inside . nice rowing , bart . good job . stop caring about me . sweetie , let me help you up . your nagging is melting my bones . okay , fine . im giving you one more chance , buster . tell me about that bulldozer . what bulldozer . youre in charge of yourself . get home whenever . my parenting stops now . oh . okay , now . at last . a way off lepers island . oh boys , i realize now that baz would be happier in another home . so were giving her to ho were giving her to santa . no . someone fatter . oh , im sorry , boys , that you had to hear that mild insult . mild insults are like mild salsa  they still burn . bart , should i shut the door . no need . my moms cool now . check it out  last night , i stayed up till . oh , my god . bart i took a picture so i could show everybody . now let me show you what ive been planning . er , uh , welcome to our celebration of , er , uh , our citys lame o sign . you nailed him . fie . yeah . look it up . used to express disgust or outrage . thats the worst f word there is . bart , im not butting in anymore , so you dont have to hide things under your blanky . it isnt a blanky anymore . hasnt been for three months . so , we want you to have our dog . you just give her love , and ill pay for all the shots . shots . what , is she going to india . bye , baz . homer aw , geez , i cant stand to see flanders sad . or happy . pretty much cant stand to see flanders . but hell need something to cheer him up when his boys run away . you know what , flanders . i think you should take her back . homer , dont be crazy . look at that tail wag for you . have you seen what it does for me . no , . to her , im just another dog . a dog shes in love with but can never have . but shes only got one of you , flanders  the guy who will take care of her forever . oh , thank you , homer . this has been the happiest dog day afternoon ever . aw im still not sure  did you do that bulldozer thing before . you were there . maybe when i hit you with the blade , you forgot some stuff . i was trying to get your attention , but it was heavier than i thought . well , no one fought more than cummings and mcleod when they invented the bulldozer . even the name bulldozer was a great source of aah . bart , i cant do this . no offense , but i have a mother who still loves me . quimby we come here today to honor this sign , which was purchased , letter by letter , from other failed towns . huh . aw , stupid mom . stuck something in my backpack . typical . oh , man , she makes good chicken . youre the best boy a mom could want . ive failed as a mother . im growing a conscience . ive got to change this prank . much better . our iconic sign is aquiver . everyone remain calm . this is a part of the show . vips , follow me . much better . i dont seen nothing wrong . better to die a vip than to live as an ordinary american citizen . skinner it says f d . its a tribute to the fire department . the chili cooking saints of the city . its true  we do love our chili . the secret is stirring it . im a huge fan . thats why i wear suspenders and start little fires here and there . mom , i learned theres a line i wont cross , and its cause of you and your chicken . that woman does make convincing chicken . youre the best boy a mother could want if you tell me about the bulldozer . all right . it was me . why , you little yeah , harder to strangle than it looks , isnt it , marge . oh and youre under arrest . howd you figure it out . i heard you say it . the only way i solve any crime . you dont have to stop hugging . so you see , mom , because of the wrinkled lay down paper in the nurses office , i got mono . you really shouldve kept your eyes on that ball . oh , all these problems . you kids are like whack a . oh , that reminds me . maggie hurt herself playing whack a . aw . come here , you . come here . i know ive been having my fun elsewhere , and no one could blame you if you didnt take me back , but if youll have me , ill take you on the longest walk of your life . no hills . dogs  so easy to make up with . shh . springfield . doh . well , this is a no brainer . doh . doh . doh . doh . doh . doh . doh . doh . doh . doh . now what . well , i better get going . should i just put that on your tab . no , ill pay off my bill . hmm . oh , my god . oh , my god . someones actually paying . now let me see if i remember how to open this thing . some kind of button or knob . so thats what that noise means . just take your stupid money . huh . hey , this jackets full of old stuff . i knew i wasnt getting my money . hey . doh . losers . what the . oh . oh . heres a roll of film i never developed . well , too late for that . all those photo developing joints are either knocked down or have been turned into deer blinds . eh , listen , homer . uh , i can develop this for you . yeah , this bar is so poorly lit , its legally a darkroom . mmm . and the best part is , duff is chemically indistinguishable from developing fluid . way to go , duff . im developing quite a thirst . now , theres an eight by i can enjoy . here you go , midge . i played with the colors and changed the lighting , but i could only make your kids so cute and no cuter . this is so exciting . its like a sneak peek into the long forgotten world of six years ago . yeah , well , beware . these pictures show that six years ago , bart and lisa were fighting like creationists and common sense . hey , photos dont lie , my friend . would you like a matte finish . sure . there you go . and i know if i dont ill go out of my mind better leave her behind with the kids , theyre all right the kids are all right the kids are all right . homer , you shot all these pictures . why didnt you step in . the light was so good , marge . it was like florence in may . i dont get it . how come i was always fighting with seorita stupid . dont waste beer . and how did we reach the uneasy alliance we enjoy today . well , its quite a story . a story of a special bond between a brother and a sister . id say our story is a tragedy . like the planet of the apes . the tragedy being they can never stop making them . hey , come on . the first and eighth movies were pretty darn good . now , as for you kids , it all began six years ago . the president of back then was the president . the popular music of those times was all the rage . wherever we went , you kids fought . penny the penguin wanted to go to the north pole . wally the walrus wanted to go to the south pole . i guess you could say they were polar opposites . you see , theyre polar opp i get it . its just not funny . you know whats funny . this . goodnight moon . good night , bart . did i hear someone whispering hush . i want you to get out . and stay out . thank you . so thats why we started going to story time at the kwik e . remember when apu let dad have the expired hot dogs . just once , and im still taking medication for it . so many photos of you kids fighting . thats why we never developed that roll . what . back to that story . why cant you just relax and be nice to your sister . my bed scares me . thats ridiculous . now , just close your eyes and nuzzle in under the big clown fangs . attaboy . sweet dreams . she took my pencil . lisa , there are plenty of mini golf pencils in the kitchen drawer . tell bart , because its my pencil and he stole it . starfish head . i can write your name better than you . a . ow . e . ow . i . ow . o . you jerk . ow . why , you little where is he learning this violence . things got so bad between bart and lisa , i was losing sleep . homer . homer , i just had the worst dream . i lost one of the kids at the worlds fair . its okay . which one . brisbane . thats so horrible , baby . i know , i know . now , dont worry . theyre right here in the bed . we have to find some answers . answers . thats your answer for everything . my findings are that one of your children is smart and good , and the other is dim and evil . professionally , im not permitted to say which is which . is it the boy . i told you , i cant say . bart what did that say . were done here . not so fast . we have minutes left . all right , well do a trust exercise . shut your eyes . what are we going to do . its not so bad , sweetie . i took a box of altoids from her waiting room . the most anyone has ever gotten out of therapy . watch it . trying to mow . the citys making me do this . hey , neighboreeno . maude and i know how hard it is to be dealt a pair of little jokers . daddy , may we please go tuck ourselves in for naps now . now , you know you cant tuck yourselves in till youre . go get mommy . im sorry you had to witness that . me , too . anyway , maude and i thought youd like to hang out with adults and have some mature conversatiaroonies , so wed like to take you to brunch . brunch . i wish . cant get a sitter cause our kids are nuts , and no kennel will take them . now , sir , dont you waffle on that brunch . grandma flanders can watch the kids . hello , joe . doesnt know who i am has trouble moving id say we have ourselves babysitter . i just turned a hundred . eight bucks an hour . i cant hear you . i said seven bucks . woe to you , scribes , pharisees , hypocrites . for you tithe mint and dill and cumin . todd , i like how gentle you are with that toy . enough nonsense . its time for prayers . i dont know any prayers . is hells bells a prayer . cause daddy says it all the time . woop and woop and ziperoo . i never said this before , but the food can wait . what do you mean . lets role  play . okay , but fast . um , got it . uh , me seagull . you boardwalk trash can . oh . well , isnt this a great chance to drink more water . my bladders going to burst . i know youve haa few too many waters , but that is no reason for the sailor talk . shes awfully quiet . her body usually whistles . well , this always wakes my grandpa up . homer another bride another june marge another sunny honeymoon another season another reason marge for what were doing . theyre never that happy when were around . both ice cream truck . mmm , that was wonderful . my favorite kind of weekend morning . a sexy snuggle while our rotten kids are someone elses problem . bart , those are strangers . youre right , lets go where its safe . man watch it . faster , . your brother is stupid . bye bye . the wheel im inside goes round and round and round , and round the boat im on board goes up and down up and down , up and down thank you for a wonderful brunch . i dont know what i liked more  the personalized omelets or the light jazz combo . i liked when the trumpet players cheeks got really big . thats good music . grandma flanders has passed . where are our kids . gone . looks like once grandma turned to dust , they took a powder . sorry if that seems a little flip . oh , god , oh , god , oh , god . dont worry , sweetie . well call the local police , and theyll find our kids . we never used them till now , but im sure theyre highly competent . gunderson , before we hire you , one final test . can you get these handcuffs off of me . uh , might seem like a one time situation , but its not . hey , you know , i used to represent silver star police supplies . then they gave my territory to the owners nephew . and they wonder why they lost jackson city . i was jackson city . yeah , focus on the cuffs , please . well , . look whos burning plastic . its mine . give it back . looks like someone hasnt learned  you dont argue with bullies . thank goodness i have a teaching fist . whats her problem . please , dont hurt my brother . aw , come on . dont cry . this is why im so nervous about becoming a dad . im crying out my nose . fine , you babies can go . lets go over to mommy me and cut holes in the parachute so it doesnt billow properly . baby . all right , lets move . why arent you crying . i was pretending , and it worked . hmm . you know , kid , with your smarts and my barts , we make a good team . what are barts . youre the smart one , you figure it out . i sure hope this book is right . homer marge , im back . sorry , nothing . but if we have a third kid , we should call her maggie . why maggie . its a good name if we lose her . maggie . maggie . going back out . maggie . all right , im turning to a desperate mothers last resort . i hope it works . psychic hotline . selma . youre a psychic now . im filling in for a friend . she got hit by a car . never saw it coming . ill never see my kids again . im sensing its all your husbands fault . thatll be . i know this place . its where grampa and his friends the monsters live . i want to pinch em . teach me how to use my phone . stay away from my grandchildren , you love sucking ghouls . wait a minute , wait a minute . i made it out of clay . where did you go . now , you have some candy , while i tell the nurses station to go get your folks . i guess you should be in charge , lisa . youll always be half my age , but youll always be smarter than me . dont worry , bart , youll always think youre in charge , even though i secretly will be . thank you . okay . listen up , you childless losers . i need you to help me find my kids . any of these them . hmm . uh no . sorry , kids . ill place you with your parents , but for now , go back to making those little drink umbrellas . carl homer , well definitely help you , but , uh , youre gonna have to wait . we just ordered a pie for the bar . whatd you do that for . yeah , it took us minutes to choose a topping . we decided on cheese . twice . a new record . were lost . can you help us . ill tell my dad about you right now . dad . dad . dad . cartoons . milhouse , keep it down . i got to finish these tax returns . oh , cartoons . whoa . big dog . big dog . big dog . big dog . im scared , bart . once , i read a book called jack and jill . they went down a hill . and broke their crowns . good thing we dont have crowns . crown means head . ay , caramba . ta da . i saved you . ugh . but you pushed me . duh . i couldnt save you until i pushed you . girls make no sense . anyway , were even steven . i just dont want to fight anymore . okay . but it was always your fault . fine . cause youre a jerk . cant you see im giving in . i beat a two year , i beat a two year . i left my kids with the weirdo next door , and now theyre gone . tell me everything . homer , no . id give anything to have them back . i dont care about the fighting . hey , chatterbox , theres a couple of kids right there at the top of the tire fire . how did you get up there .  . you know how kids like to climb things . what are we gonna do .  . they say youre supposed to get great strength when your kids are threatened . im kind of feeling it . we just bought them new shoes . you did it , homie . ah ice cream truck . bart . havent you learned anything . im still learning our phone number . and ive almost got it . but in an emergency , ill just dial . but the wonderful thing is , you kids get along . and we were able to have a third beautiful child . wait . but how did you have an extra room for maggie . well , thats where i used to grow my weed . but thats a story for another day . never mind , never mind . well , i didnt think shed make it , but i was wrong . i guess your grandmother just wants to stick around to see those boys grow up . amazing grace how sweet the sound loud singing could kill her . homer and it did . stop telling us this story . youve had three natural endings already . isnt that sweet . six years ago , they were fighting . now theyre playing pool in a bar . father of the year , pal . father of the year . shh . springfield . lewis , my man . present tables over there . make sure you hit the squishee station . they mixed up a custom flavor just for me . these kids birthday parties have gotten out of control . how can a normal family compete . they rented chairs . the kind with puffy seats . and check out this gift bag . full size candy bars , hummingbird in a plastic bag , a cd of the gay mens chorus of springfield singing happy birthday , milhouse . dad , i want self driving mini cars at my next birthday . to the petting zoo . that would cost a fortune . who do you think i am , a professional bowler . its worth it to see my son as spoiled and ungrateful as the richest brat in town . dad , you were supposed to cut this cheese in the shape of pokmon characters . you said you wanted disneys muppets . that was the meeting before the last meeting . this birthday party arms race is unsustainable . unless the sanest man in town declared war on these parties in a last best attempt to bring things back to normal . i will secretly destroy these childrens birthdays , or die trying . two of several animals . looks like its time to build me an ark . rice cakes .  . i pronounce this party dead . nurse , note the time . time to make bucks . yah dah, , dah dat oh . look at that . lets see what else is in the noose . i was the last kid on earth who liked clowns . homer simpson , do you know anything about these epic birthday fails . just what i read in the papers . you did suck the helium out of all these balloons . all right , marge , maybe i did cut the strings on a few party hats , but when i was a kid , a birthday party was nothing more than a supermarket cake and sticking pins in a donkeys butt . and we looked forward to it for one whole year . and the gift bag was you didnt need a frickin gift bag , because you just went to a frickin party . you have a point . but when the bounce house renters and the pony ride operators find out what youve done mm . im not afraid of big birthday . big birthday . you have meddled with the primal forces of nurture , mr . simpson , and i wont have it . do you think you just stopped a few lavish parties . oh , no , sir . there is simply one endless birthday celebration where everyone gets a gift bag and no parent gets off easy . do you think this country makes cars anymore . do you think we smelt steel . no . the only thing we do is throw elaborate childrens cotillions with enormous inedible cakes out from whence yale graduates pop . all eh . mr . simpson , the very fabric of our existence is birthdays . the quarks and bosons of your soul . birthdays . you have tried to unwind the world , and you will atone . sorry . you will be sorry . we are officially blacklisting you , my friend . your children will never have a balloon animal maker or customized cake again . no . no . no oh . i dont want to live . not their birthdays . take easter . easters nothing . geez , kids , i guess youve had your last birthday . youre gonna stay your current ages for the rest of your lives . please . ill do anything . all right . the next birthday that comes up in this town is , uh , rod flanders , and you have to throw him a party . oh . um , how bad do you kids want birthdays . dad . how bad do you want to sleep in saturdays . hey , i was just kidding around . you know that . i was just you have a deal . let me make this clear . this event has to be magical . you mean , hire a magician . no , . magical . magical events change peoples lives forever . welcome to rod flanders birthday party . im your host homer simpson , and i cant take it anymore . stupid golden age of flight . mmm . i love you , mean neighbor . man over p . a . attention partygoers . prepare for the arrival of our guest of honor lulu . this majestic b  has been lovingly restored by the same world war two veterans who see her every night in their horrible flashbacks . thanks for coming out and abe simpson .  . thats mach ridley , my old air force buddy . you said you were in the army . you said you were in the navy . thats the kind of mix up that used to happen when i was in the marines . so , what brings you boys to springfield . uh , we just want to make sure kids have a chance to meet one of the lovely ladies that brought freedom to the world . why are planes and boats always women . because they require a lot of upkeep and a firm hand at the controls . i knew thered be a sexist joke behind it . i knew it . abe , can you join us for a drink . im sorry , guys . my dad cant handle that much excitement . please , son . i want to gab about the days when nurses kissed ya instead of beating ya . now , dad , memory lanes not what it used to be . if you hang out with your old buddies , itll remind you of when you were a proud stallion instead of a broken down nag . thats the lack of spirit . look at how he treats his own father . like we used to treat p . o . w . s when the red cross wasnt looking . boys , i think we have one last mission . make a wish , roddy . ill never grow up and marry daddy . very amusing . whoa . ive seen all i need to see . but just in case , the face . milhouse oh . may i chuckle in dutch . bart , meet my cousin from the netherlands , annika . isnt she gorgeous . whoa . you smoke . its an e cigarette . care to vape . dont you want to be one of the cool kinderen . refreshing . hey , look at you guys , still not dead . good for you . mister , were gonna pound your thick skull till you treat your father with the kindness every human being deserves . do your worst , you old goats . this wont be a tropical vacation like iwo jima . its you and me , blubber mcgee . ha . oh . you done girly punching . yes . once again , i win at sjoelbak . everybodys got one gift . mine is portable indoor dutch shuffleboard . bart , im out of cartridges . be my little almond cookie and run down to the kwik e . hup , . you can kiss me . oh , that felt so good . now you know what nuzzling me would be like . now not so good . five packs of e cigs, , apu . e cigs . although legal for children in this state , you are asking for a nicotine delivery device that could quite possibly leave you breathing through a hole in your neck . eat your spinach , bart . electronic voice ha , . ay carumba . cool . i was just doing this for a girl , but give me two more packs for myself . oh , you have the right , but remember , this is not kid stuff . now , would you like bubblegum flavor , strawberry shortcake or watermelon dream . homer , youre late . in the air force , when we showed up late , people died . when we showed up on time , other people died . the right people . homer j . simpson , if i wasnt wearing my smiling teeth , id look very angry . hangar those choppers , airman . now , the best way to get to know each other is to share a rugged outdoor activity . suggestions . both movie . well , we could walk to the theater . both drive . well , at least we can walk to a seat at the top . handicap seat . companion chair . homer oh , previews . trailer announcer in a dystopian future finally . a movie about a dystopian future , unlike the hunger games , edge of tomorrow , oblivion , elysium , snow piercer , the hunger games catching fire , x men days of future past , enders game the road , world war z , children of men , after earth , i am legend , mad max fury road , the maze runner , district nine , the purge , looper , cloud atlas , divergent , insurgent , the island , mr . burns a post electric play , and chappie . sir , the movies been over for minutes . youll have to clear out of the theater and come back for the next show . doh . so , you are the best america could send to stop sheik abu nadal abdul nabal nabu dubal nabadul kashik . id like to request a hip replacement yours . i was a fool to fight america . homer , take me to the bathroom . what . are you crazy . if you love your father , youll make sure he doesnt get disoriented trying to work the knob less faucet . im too cold to trigger the infrared . you were in there for minutes . i thought the mirror was another movie . you made me miss the denouement . homer , i think its time i showed you something . i get it . you brought me here to show me how much grampa went through for people like me . no , we brought you here cause were gonna set you straight once and for all . i think i just went w . w . two . all right , all right . i love my father . and if that makes me less of a man , so be it . dad , i apologize . i only say this at gunpoint , but its true i love you . oh . but its been a long night i did not say at ease . fear  thats how we , the greatest generation , raised you , the worst generation . my turn . god , i love spijkerpoepen . annika , youve introduced me to a whole new world of butt games . and youve introduced me to a world of un milled wind , a game called baseball that is neither fun nor fittening , and private use bicycles . still , you are small and cute like lichtenstein . now vape up . marge bart simpson . its still legal in this state . the bills stuck in committee . god , you just cant protect your kids enough . mmm . sharing a beer . just like we did after your first merit badge . ah , yes , basketry . aw i still have what i made . doh . barts smoking . e cigarettes . oh , those are totally legal . tell me , does he like bubblegum or strawberry . he doesnt even want to . hes doing it to impress a girl . theyre sending annika back to holland . she was just about to teach me to dutch kiss . stuck on a girl , eh . i know a story thatll fix you right up . it was the s suitcases were hard , mid century architecture had indoor outdoor flow and the world was our garbage basket . nature will take it . grampa mach was a test pilot and i had a crucial job , too keeping desert turtles off the runway . shoo . shoo , now . just pick them up . uh they feel weird . grampa at night , we cooled off at the local watering hole , where they gave you a free steak dinner ifn you set a new speed record and lived . if you died , your widow got surf and turf . meanwhile , i was trying to make time with the only cocktail waitress on a base full of heroes . we called her sunny cause she was bright and yellow . and if you got too close , you got burned . whos telling this story , you or me .  . i hope its you . okay , well , i would imagine as you were flirting with sunny , mach came up . uh huh, , go on . and asked her to dance . oh , i did not see that coming . grampa mach was scheduled to test fly a new fighter plane . and then i heard something i shouldnt have . colonel , with all due respect , that new jet is a deathtrap . its the s . everythings a deathtrap . now have three martinis , a pack of smokes , and get in that plane . grampa im not quite sure why i did what i did next . did i want sunny to see me in a different light . or had they tested a little too much lsd on me the night before without me knowing it . abraham simpson , you damn fool . when did you learn how to fly . when youre in the air force for ten years , you learn a few things . ah . what the hell just happened . grampa it was as if i could see the face of god . oh , boy . at feet , amazing things happen . the frigid air forms a beautiful rainbow of ice crystals in your lungs . doh . luckily , my frozen hand on the stick was exactly what that plane needed . that day , i broke the sound barrier and then some . oh . my highball glasses . grampa i headed back to tell the base there wasnt one damn thing wrong with that plane . this is gonna take some fancy flyin . i hitched a ride back to the base with a young feller who was hoping to be a writer . thanks for the ride , jack kerouac . could you please mail this polished final draft of my novel to my publisher . and heres my rambling , repetitive first draft . promise me youll destroy it , so no one will ever read this total gibberish . grampa boy , was he mad when he read that book . started drinking like a fish . i was about to reel one in . so , you want to marry a glamorous flyboy . or the dummy who tried to save him . im a sucker for reckless nitwits . aw , mona . shut up and kiss me . seriously , im already tired of your voice . mona . sunny is mona simpson . homers mother . gee , she wasnt too sunny when i knew her . although she really cheered up after she left you forever . thats the point . if you make a grand gesture , you can get any girl you want , even if shes completely wrong for you . but it wont last if youre pretending to be someone youre not . i see . ive got to make a grand gesture . and her flight boards in minutes . and klm is never late . he didnt get a single word . you got the point , didnt you , son . um , you used to work with turtles . yeah , thats pretty much it . i used to work with turtles . annika . wait . before you leave  i couldnt live with myself if i didnt at least try to tell you how i feel . a grand gesture . how american . i dont actually like you . youre only pleasant when you want something . youve been in this country three weeks and you hated everything . thats not true . i liked that there were new things here to complain about . well , im really relieved youre leaving . and take these poison pen lights with you . oh , thank god . im so tired of breathing clean air . rejected by a friend of milhouse . i will change into the striped leggings of shame . if its the blue hair and the schnozz youre digging , ive got plenty more cousins . thanks , milhouse . i think im gonna steer clear of van houtens for a while . more for me . marrying a cousin worked out great for my parents . storms a comin . homer , its time for us to go . weve got an air show in reno , where the silver haired foxes are as common as frisbees on the jersey shore . come on , dad . in honor of that record you broke , im gonna cook you the thickest steak of your life . thank you , son . but the days when i can eat a steak are long gone . i wouldnt be so sure . no . still too tough . aw , thats the best steak i ever breathed . im full . shh . springfield . lewis , my man . present tables over there . make sure you hit the squishee station . they mixed up a custom flavor just for me . these kids birthday parties have gotten out of control . how can a normal family compete . they rented chairs . the kind with puffy seats . and check out this gift bag . full size candy bars , hummingbird in a plastic bag , a cd of the gay mens chorus of springfield singing happy birthday , milhouse . dad , i want self driving mini cars at my next birthday . to the petting zoo . that would cost a fortune . who do you think i am , a professional bowler . its worth it to see my son as spoiled and ungrateful as the richest brat in town . dad , you were supposed to cut this cheese in the shape of pokmon characters . you said you wanted disneys muppets . that was the meeting before the last meeting . this birthday party arms race is unsustainable . unless the sanest man in town declared war on these parties in a last best attempt to bring things back to normal . i will secretly destroy these childrens birthdays , or die trying . two of several animals . looks like its time to build me an ark . rice cakes .  . i pronounce this party dead . nurse , note the time . time to make bucks . yah dah, , dah dat oh . look at that . lets see what else is in the noose . i was the last kid on earth who liked clowns . homer simpson , do you know anything about these epic birthday fails . just what i read in the papers . you did suck the helium out of all these balloons . all right , marge , maybe i did cut the strings on a few party hats , but when i was a kid , a birthday party was nothing more than a supermarket cake and sticking pins in a donkeys butt . and we looked forward to it for one whole year . and the gift bag was you didnt need a frickin gift bag , because you just went to a frickin party . you have a point . but when the bounce house renters and the pony ride operators find out what youve done mm . im not afraid of big birthday . big birthday . you have meddled with the primal forces of nurture , mr . simpson , and i wont have it . do you think you just stopped a few lavish parties . oh , no , sir . there is simply one endless birthday celebration where everyone gets a gift bag and no parent gets off easy . do you think this country makes cars anymore . do you think we smelt steel . no . the only thing we do is throw elaborate childrens cotillions with enormous inedible cakes out from whence yale graduates pop . all eh . mr . simpson , the very fabric of our existence is birthdays . the quarks and bosons of your soul . birthdays . you have tried to unwind the world , and you will atone . sorry . you will be sorry . we are officially blacklisting you , my friend . your children will never have a balloon animal maker or customized cake again . no . no . no oh . i dont want to live . not their birthdays . take easter . easters nothing . geez , kids , i guess youve had your last birthday . youre gonna stay your current ages for the rest of your lives . please . ill do anything . all right . the next birthday that comes up in this town is , uh , rod flanders , and you have to throw him a party . oh . um , how bad do you kids want birthdays . dad . how bad do you want to sleep in saturdays . hey , i was just kidding around . you know that . i was just you have a deal . let me make this clear . this event has to be magical . you mean , hire a magician . no , . magical . magical events change peoples lives forever . welcome to rod flanders birthday party . im your host homer simpson , and i cant take it anymore . stupid golden age of flight . mmm . i love you , mean neighbor . man over p . a . attention partygoers . prepare for the arrival of our guest of honor lulu . this majestic b  has been lovingly restored by the same world war two veterans who see her every night in their horrible flashbacks . thanks for coming out and abe simpson .  . thats mach ridley , my old air force buddy . you said you were in the army . you said you were in the navy . thats the kind of mix up that used to happen when i was in the marines . so , what brings you boys to springfield . uh , we just want to make sure kids have a chance to meet one of the lovely ladies that brought freedom to the world . why are planes and boats always women . because they require a lot of upkeep and a firm hand at the controls . i knew thered be a sexist joke behind it . i knew it . abe , can you join us for a drink . im sorry , guys . my dad cant handle that much excitement . please , son . i want to gab about the days when nurses kissed ya instead of beating ya . now , dad , memory lanes not what it used to be . if you hang out with your old buddies , itll remind you of when you were a proud stallion instead of a broken down nag . thats the lack of spirit . look at how he treats his own father . like we used to treat p . o . w . s when the red cross wasnt looking . boys , i think we have one last mission . make a wish , roddy . ill never grow up and marry daddy . very amusing . whoa . ive seen all i need to see . but just in case , the face . milhouse oh . may i chuckle in dutch . bart , meet my cousin from the netherlands , annika . isnt she gorgeous . whoa . you smoke . its an e cigarette . care to vape . dont you want to be one of the cool kinderen . refreshing . hey , look at you guys , still not dead . good for you . mister , were gonna pound your thick skull till you treat your father with the kindness every human being deserves . do your worst , you old goats . this wont be a tropical vacation like iwo jima . its you and me , blubber mcgee . ha . oh . you done girly punching . yes . once again , i win at sjoelbak . everybodys got one gift . mine is portable indoor dutch shuffleboard . bart , im out of cartridges . be my little almond cookie and run down to the kwik e . hup , . you can kiss me . oh , that felt so good . now you know what nuzzling me would be like . now not so good . five packs of e cigs, , apu . e cigs . although legal for children in this state , you are asking for a nicotine delivery device that could quite possibly leave you breathing through a hole in your neck . eat your spinach , bart . electronic voice ha , . ay carumba . cool . i was just doing this for a girl , but give me two more packs for myself . oh , you have the right , but remember , this is not kid stuff . now , would you like bubblegum flavor , strawberry shortcake or watermelon dream . homer , youre late . in the air force , when we showed up late , people died . when we showed up on time , other people died . the right people . homer j . simpson , if i wasnt wearing my smiling teeth , id look very angry . hangar those choppers , airman . now , the best way to get to know each other is to share a rugged outdoor activity . suggestions . both movie . well , we could walk to the theater . both drive . well , at least we can walk to a seat at the top . handicap seat . companion chair . homer oh , previews . trailer announcer in a dystopian future finally . a movie about a dystopian future , unlike the hunger games , edge of tomorrow , oblivion , elysium , snow piercer , the hunger games catching fire , x men days of future past , enders game the road , world war z , children of men , after earth , i am legend , mad max fury road , the maze runner , district nine , the purge , looper , cloud atlas , divergent , insurgent , the island , mr . burns a post electric play , and chappie . sir , the movies been over for minutes . youll have to clear out of the theater and come back for the next show . doh . so , you are the best america could send to stop sheik abu nadal abdul nabal nabu dubal nabadul kashik . id like to request a hip replacement yours . i was a fool to fight america . homer , take me to the bathroom . what . are you crazy . if you love your father , youll make sure he doesnt get disoriented trying to work the knob less faucet . im too cold to trigger the infrared . you were in there for minutes . i thought the mirror was another movie . you made me miss the denouement . homer , i think its time i showed you something . i get it . you brought me here to show me how much grampa went through for people like me . no , we brought you here cause were gonna set you straight once and for all . i think i just went w . w . two . all right , all right . i love my father . and if that makes me less of a man , so be it . dad , i apologize . i only say this at gunpoint , but its true i love you . oh . but its been a long night i did not say at ease . fear  thats how we , the greatest generation , raised you , the worst generation . my turn . god , i love spijkerpoepen . annika , youve introduced me to a whole new world of butt games . and youve introduced me to a world of un milled wind , a game called baseball that is neither fun nor fittening , and private use bicycles . still , you are small and cute like lichtenstein . now vape up . marge bart simpson . its still legal in this state . the bills stuck in committee . god , you just cant protect your kids enough . mmm . sharing a beer . just like we did after your first merit badge . ah , yes , basketry . aw i still have what i made . doh . barts smoking . e cigarettes . oh , those are totally legal . tell me , does he like bubblegum or strawberry . he doesnt even want to . hes doing it to impress a girl . theyre sending annika back to holland . she was just about to teach me to dutch kiss . stuck on a girl , eh . i know a story thatll fix you right up . it was the s suitcases were hard , mid century architecture had indoor outdoor flow and the world was our garbage basket . nature will take it . grampa mach was a test pilot and i had a crucial job , too keeping desert turtles off the runway . shoo . shoo , now . just pick them up . uh they feel weird . grampa at night , we cooled off at the local watering hole , where they gave you a free steak dinner ifn you set a new speed record and lived . if you died , your widow got surf and turf . meanwhile , i was trying to make time with the only cocktail waitress on a base full of heroes . we called her sunny cause she was bright and yellow . and if you got too close , you got burned . whos telling this story , you or me .  . i hope its you . okay , well , i would imagine as you were flirting with sunny , mach came up . uh huh, , go on . and asked her to dance . oh , i did not see that coming . grampa mach was scheduled to test fly a new fighter plane . and then i heard something i shouldnt have . colonel , with all due respect , that new jet is a deathtrap . its the s . everythings a deathtrap . now have three martinis , a pack of smokes , and get in that plane . grampa im not quite sure why i did what i did next . did i want sunny to see me in a different light . or had they tested a little too much lsd on me the night before without me knowing it . abraham simpson , you damn fool . when did you learn how to fly . when youre in the air force for ten years , you learn a few things . ah . what the hell just happened . grampa it was as if i could see the face of god . oh , boy . at feet , amazing things happen . the frigid air forms a beautiful rainbow of ice crystals in your lungs . doh . luckily , my frozen hand on the stick was exactly what that plane needed . that day , i broke the sound barrier and then some . oh . my highball glasses . grampa i headed back to tell the base there wasnt one damn thing wrong with that plane . this is gonna take some fancy flyin . i hitched a ride back to the base with a young feller who was hoping to be a writer . thanks for the ride , jack kerouac . could you please mail this polished final draft of my novel to my publisher . and heres my rambling , repetitive first draft . promise me youll destroy it , so no one will ever read this total gibberish . grampa boy , was he mad when he read that book . started drinking like a fish . i was about to reel one in . so , you want to marry a glamorous flyboy . or the dummy who tried to save him . im a sucker for reckless nitwits . aw , mona . shut up and kiss me . seriously , im already tired of your voice . mona . sunny is mona simpson . homers mother . gee , she wasnt too sunny when i knew her . although she really cheered up after she left you forever . thats the point . if you make a grand gesture , you can get any girl you want , even if shes completely wrong for you . but it wont last if youre pretending to be someone youre not . i see . ive got to make a grand gesture . and her flight boards in minutes . and klm is never late . he didnt get a single word . you got the point , didnt you , son . um , you used to work with turtles . yeah , thats pretty much it . i used to work with turtles . annika . wait . before you leave  i couldnt live with myself if i didnt at least try to tell you how i feel . a grand gesture . how american . i dont actually like you . youre only pleasant when you want something . youve been in this country three weeks and you hated everything . thats not true . i liked that there were new things here to complain about . well , im really relieved youre leaving . and take these poison pen lights with you . oh , thank god . im so tired of breathing clean air . rejected by a friend of milhouse . i will change into the striped leggings of shame . if its the blue hair and the schnozz youre digging , ive got plenty more cousins . thanks , milhouse . i think im gonna steer clear of van houtens for a while . more for me . marrying a cousin worked out great for my parents . storms a comin . homer , its time for us to go . weve got an air show in reno , where the silver haired foxes are as common as frisbees on the jersey shore . come on , dad . in honor of that record you broke , im gonna cook you the thickest steak of your life . thank you , son . but the days when i can eat a steak are long gone . i wouldnt be so sure . no . still too tough . aw , thats the best steak i ever breathed . im full . shh . springfield . willie seymour . im here to tell ya im returning to scotland and youll never see me again . but i have hand picked my replacement . mr . johnny mathis . chances are i will give this hedge a trim and i will kill the gophers , too mmm . so beautiful . mrs . skinner imitating alarm youre late for school . and fridays lunch will be fish sticks , peas ill finish those morning announcements . and lime jell o . pathetic . also , friday night is the school dance . and thats a treat for the , uh , popular children , and a chance for the rest of you to look within yourselves and ask whats wrong . seymour . let me know if you make a bm today . oh , my special little guys first school dance . why do i have to go to some stupid dance . it makes just standing around with your friends feel like youre a loser . bart , some of your biggest heroes are dancers . krusty was on dancing with the stars until a panel of experts determined he wasnt a star . dad , help me . son , for the rest of your life , youre going to go to all sorts of horrible events just to spend time with girls . dances , stores , your wedding . you dont like those things . oh , no . no , honey . i love everything you force me do . and sometimes if you do all that , you get a very special night . and what does that get you . hopefully , not a you . not gonna make another bart tonight if i do it right , no more barts tonight no more barts tonight no barts . hmm . hmm . and done . proud of you boys . thanks for painting my fence , stupid flanders . homer simpson , reorder that border . weve been painting since sunup . half the fence is mine . fine . let the good lord decide . doh . woo hoo . doh . woo hoo . doh . woo hoo . now i say good day . good day , homer . i said good day . well , if it isnt the frown princes of gloomania . whats wrong , boys . uncle homers not nice to you . your names not stupid . its ned . whoa , there , roddy . someones getting a little too familiar . sorry , mr . daddy . time to hop aboard the school train . school train . im going to die , children . and so will you someday . thanks a lot , bart . that orange drink machine was my moms fiancs only source of income . what a relief . this dance has turned into a fight . would you dance with me . whered you come from . fifth grade . bart be careful , bart . if you take her hand now demonic voice your puberty has started . who the hell are you . i am the puberty demon . for a thousand lifetimes of man , i have been going through changes i dont understand . you can join me if you just take her hand . id certainly like to help a demon , but i do it . enter the world of body spray , wiry hairs and wondering what boobs feel like . do you know . sure , . of course i do . shes up all night to the sun eh , why not . im up all night to get some shes up all night for good fun im up all night to get lucky were up all night to the sun were up all night to get some were up all night for good fun were up all night to get lucky were up all night to get lucky were up all night to get lucky were up all night to get lucky were up all night to get lucky were up all night to get lucky were up all night to get lucky were up all night to get lucky were up all night to get lucky . huh . ill have him good as new . i just have to get me hammers . skinner and tonights best dancer bart simpson . this is for you . ill meet you outside . hey , look . its someone who does stuff . the bullies natural enemy . nice dancing , bart . hey , knock it off . youre a real leotard . that works on two levels . yeah . just like the old springfield galleria . do what you want to me . just dont touch the trophy . yeah , right . hi . this is for you . let me give you a life lesson . this isnt your fault . but its the end of us forever . oh , uh , hey cassidy . ugh . sweetie , what happened . bullies broke my trophy . oh , dont worry . when you grow up , youre gonna have a hell of a career . oh , wait , youre not the girl . youre gonna have a hell of a career . thank you . bullying is wrong , and im going to work to change it . if i can get them to open up another register at krogers , i can do something about this . wha marge , we dont have krogers money . completing our long overdue apologies to the witches and their families . our final new business is a proposal from marge simpson . ladies and gentlemen , im about to show you the worlds filthiest word . oh , boy , i cant wait to see this word . you know , i thought you were gonna say now , midge , uh , thanks for coming and alls , but , uh , since frontier days , weve needed bullies to steal land from indians and , uh , punch locusts . but not anymore . lets push bullying to the ground and make it cry and point and laugh at it . yeah , . absolutely . lets pass this legislation without any discussion whatsoever . so moved . all in favor . who didnt vote for it . i didnt . you better freaking vote for it , or well bust your face , you little troll . the anti bullying law has passed without objection . ow . hey , simpson . come over and get your christmas socking . by the unregulated power vested in us by the hastily passed bully law , youre under arrest . take em away , boys . yeah , grab that hat . boys , i predict youre gonna have clear sledding from here on out . uh , except on those sleds . uh , im gonna need em as evidence . uh , is that a candy cane , milhouse . cause , uh , yeah . that thats also evidence . mmm , . uh , yes , kent , the law gives us broad authority here . were not just going after your garden variety nurple purpler . no , . were also arresting adult bullies . the long trouser crowd . and let me tell you , arresting people who dont think theyre criminals  its , uh its a hell of a lot easier . mmm . all you worthless writers ever do is stare into your phones . why dont you text me some freaking jokes . a tv star criticizing his writers . what has this world come to . another bully for your collection , boys . i need some prison jokes . quick . how about orange is the new blecch . beautiful . uh , yeah . a car just cut me off . license jdb . hes a bully . oh , and the guy that filled my soda gave me mostly ice . bully . mostly ice . dear god . ill never grow a tough enough skin for this job . excuse me , this is madness . the ice costs me more than the soda . do you realize this . ay , . what hath mom wrought . the police are arresting basically anyone they want to . lisa , you got to learn to trust your government . thats what i do . daddy , can we make cocoa . boys , im afraid mr . simpson borrowed our mix and our mugs . why dont you ask for things back . are you being bullied . now , boys , im just turning the other cheek , like jesus . do you think he was bullied . come on , guys . give it back . oh forgive them , father . i raised a wuss . dear lord please demonstrate unto us uncle homers not a jerk . see you in hell , old bed . oh , come on , chief . why am i in here . youre a workplace bully . chief , i put my name on my lunch because you are always eating it . bully . bully . bully . springfield pd . chief speaking . hello . wed like to report a bully . uh huh . uh huh . uh huh . wow . this bullys going down . yeah . oh , i wonder who this could be . homer simpson , im here to charge you with multiple counts of bullying your neighbor , ned flanders . what the .  . oh , i never dreamed that a law i had abused could be applied to me . all right , time for the perp walk . walk . but i just watered up the slipn slide . i have no comment at this time . i sentence you to in our new biff stiffler bully reeducation center . is it a school . more like a prison . phew . thank god . man welcome , friends . welcome . welcome . no need for names . well , there are need for names , or thered be billions of people walking around without knowing each other , but i meant here . i know what youre going through because im a recovering bully myself . i was bullied for years and years . i tried to solve it in a way that i dont suggest . i shot a man . but that didnt fix it . it fixed it for him . he died . but i then went to a lot of training . i went into the army , and i was punished , and they told me i got over it . i dont feel it , but im told i got over it , and i have something on the wall that says i do . ow . time for step one on the path to empathy , you maggots . can i do yard work like the kids . your work is internal . you mean like vacuuming . did you really think i meant vacuuming . when i said internal , your brain went to something inside your house like vacuuming . is that what you thought . do you know thats why that dyson is a billionaire . something is wrong with you when you think vacuuming . im talking about inside your head . in your head . oh , its so boring in there . oh , is it . and i thought it might be like the louvre . now , no more talking . i know how this works . you find the toughest one , you crack that person , and the rest of you fall in line . youll never crack me . ah , youre probably right . just like you never heard your mother say , i love you . theres not enough tissue in the world for what im feeling . there , . the first six tissues are free . the rest you pay for . use the first two again . they dont seem very wet . every bully is woven from the colorful thread known as humiliation . gary , who humiliated you . well my father was a psychologist . he was a big believer in the methods of b . f . skinner . i had to go through a hamster maze to get to my breakfast . which way is love , daddy . which way is love . he made me go through a maze . ah . breakthrough . just sit down , gary . have the free potato chips . you , well just heavily medicate . im sorry , theres no other hope . give me your money . oh , beautiful . youre just proving my point . what about you , homer . why do you hate this flanders . well , he thinks hes so perfect , with his organized garage and his barbecue grill that never has crud on it . thats very good . keep exploring . im already hating him a little bit . kids who love him and rub his back . and hes got enough extra hair for a mustache . all i got are archie and wicket here . im so bald . deeper . youve got to go deeper . im so bald . deeper . and if you think i mean on the ground , im going to punch you . why do you hate flanders . oh , everybody hates flanders . no , just you . thats right . great guy . he aint no chooch . homer , youve got to find the answer to this . its been bothering you your whole life . also , its five to . i have ten more people before noon . oh , can you just tell me the answer . if i told you the answer , then you would not have discovered it for yourself . did you see that , uh , indiana jones movie . did anybody tell him where that thing was . does this guy know . well only you know . all right . i hate ned flanders because because hes better than me in every way . i think we have a breakthrough . i was gonna say that , too . i used to be a jerk . i never cared whose feelings i hurt as long as it got a laugh . i took a thumb when a pinky would do . but we have learned our lesson , so i hereby promise i promise . i promise . te prometo . we all promise . all to be a better human being . better human being . ugh . once again , people . all to be a better human being . better being . does he have to be in this . well , surprisingly , that was our best take . uh , question what will this video be used for . oh , in schools , by police groups . cnn . theyre doing a lot of things now that have nothing to do with news . this is great . nothing america likes better than someone who screws up , goes away for a little while , then comes back and tells everyone how to live their lives . oh , i forgot to include remorse . oh , its okay . when it kicks in , itll be a thousand times worse . what happened to me . my mother told me she loved me . maybe i couldnt hear her because my hand was over her mouth . let yourself out , please . announcer and here to throw out the first pitch , reformed bully homer simpson . and the pitch hits the umpire , but its not an umpire at all . its a returning serviceman from iraq . and the crowd goes wild . youre a hero . no , youre youre the hero . i no , youre wrong . youre the hero . i no , i just im not . i i just have a little ptsd . no , if you see a hero , youre looking into a mirror , man , because youre the hero . why is mr . simpson a hero . well , i suppose its because he used to be bad and now hes good . yay . yay . male announcer jenny , the costingtons float contains flowers , and work started the day after last years parade finished . female announcer you say that every year , and its just not true . male announcer well , there you go again . daddy , maybe someday youll be a hero like mr . simpson . hes a hero , all right . a hero sandwich full of baloney . huh . i almost said that in front of the boys . time i gave that homer a real tongue bath . oh . glad i didnt say that , either . uh huh . uh , wait . what do you want me to do with this . ned how about writing , im sorry , ned . what are you doing here . homer , sorry is not just the most exciting board game ever devised . its a word i need to hear from you . fine . sorry . we good . no , were not good . you really think one little sorry makes up for years of , stupid , flanders . im starting to think you dont want an autograph . this is what i want . i want you to understand how you make me feel . homer simpson , you made me less of a man in my sons eyes . now do you feel remorse . oh , my god . im a monster . mm hmm . wait . you cant go . i need your forgiveness . you cant push a guy around forever , dad . you better take a long , fat look in the mirror . i know . oh , driveway . oh . i crawled here on my knees , all the way from my house , to ask for your forgiveness . well , sir , i appreciate that , but i dont bend that easily . well , im gonna wait right here on my knees till you change your mind . okily dokily . on my knees . mm hmm . i hear you . not too comfortable . nor should it be . i think hes suffered enough , daddy . and he seems to be sinking . were losing him . and when you stand praying , if you hold anything against anyone , forgive him , so that your father in heaven may forgive you your sins . thats from that ribbon book . yes , it is , homer . and i forgive you , transgressoreeno . now , ned , why dont you join us for an all is brunch . oh , can i make my famous mimosa . a little sparkling water and a glass full of regular water . stu pendous , flanders . hey , miss drizzle . otto . otto . how many tabs did you take . i took a whole sheet of hello kitties . oh , otto . that will have a most deleterious effect on your brain . the cerebrum , the cerebellum , the medulla . but why am i telling you about it when we can visit the inside of your head . bus , do your stuff . aah . get it out . get it out . man mr . foreman . mr . foreman , please wake up . aah . who murdered who again . shh . springfield . oh , my god , morty , what did you do . you killed the simpsons , morty . oh , my god , no . no , i i didnt mean to . oh , no , . this is horrible . i killed the simpsons . god , look at the baby one . oh , my god , morty . you killed the entire simpsons , morty . theyre a beloved family , morty . theyre theyre a national treasure . and you killed them . i i just a kid . im just a kid . i dont want to go to jail . relax , morty , calm down . well take care of it . okay , i want you to take that vial of simpsons goo and this picture to this address . theyll make us new simpsons  you understand me , morty . me .  . w w are you gonna do . morty , i got to clean this place up before somebody comes snooping around . you know how many characters there are in the simpsons , morty . theres , like , a billion chara characters . they did an episode where george bush was their neighbor . all right , cant argue with that . hi diddly , neighbor . looks like you got a spaceship in your who are you . rick , im back . wake up . wake up . geez , its about time , morty . give me those . huh , wow . hey , morty , a little tip . dont clean dna vials with your spit . lets go . im driving this time . aw , no more guest animators , man . okay , children . i think its safe now to put on your math t shirts . wait here . nerd . model u . n . and step on it . ha ha . very good . that is really oh . dog in box . genius . all right , lets meet our two teams of mathletes , shall we . first , the springfield elementary action fractions . they rhyme and they and , uh , from the right side of the tracks , the waverly hills elementary no equals . theyre spoiled and rich . yo . what did the right angle say to the wider angle . well , not knowing these fellows , i i couldnt say . youre obtuse . now , lets welcome our celebrity guests , former winners of this very contest and current high flying yes , you heard me  i said high flying, , flying  tech entrepreneurs . gary , doug and benjamin , who invented whereditgo . thats an app that finds the other apps on your phone . enables you to glayvin with your friends mobile hoyvin . one year ago , we were dateless nerds living in our mothers basements . now the basement we live in is in a giant mansion . yeah . yeah . and we own some kind of sports team . all right , calm down , just calm down . now , here to support these fine student scholars is the man who loves math .  . i thought you said meth . drug reference . uh , seriously , what am i here for . nobody told you . they send a limo , i get in . it takes me somewhere . then i watch the news later to see what i did . what a nightmare . thats fair enough . boo hayvin . the teams have created introductory videos about themselves . lets watch them , shall we , with our eyes . narrator springfield elementary was originally designed as a storage facility for salt pork . at some later point , it was turned into a school . chalmers chalmskinn . on hot days , pork grease still comes out of the walls . oh , quit your whining . frink and now , waverly hills . hi , im movie genius michael bay . i used to be all like , math . who needs that noise , am i right . but i wasnt right . the waverly hills math team made me realize that quadratic equations are hotter than a million megan foxes . math on . yo , waverly hills . you guys rock . like my friend the rock . i know his real first name . its dwayne . i win hollywood . celebrate now , you stuck up snobs . but our plucky little school is going to surprise you . we will surprise you all . well , lisa , we didnt score a single point . that was surprising . oh , youll get them next time , honey . no . no , we wont . that school is so rich . every kid has a laptop . her crying is sadder than a child actor where are they now . story . lisa its true . as graduates of springfield elementary , we want to give back . were going to buy every student a tablet computer and upgrade your entire school with the latest cloud based technology . heres a check . take this check . narrator the first black president is decades away from being a reality . come back with my fall semester . we dont need filmstrips like life in these states anymore , because our school is going all digital . groundskeeper willie ow , damn it . the teachers union wont stand for this . it means less work for you . i didnt know it was possible to do less work . how intriguing . he said ive been to the year not much has changed not much has changed but they lived underwater and your great great granddaughter is pretty fine is pretty fine i took a trip to the year this song had gone multiplatinum everybody bought our seventh album and if were ever invaded , just click this . i took a trip to the year this song had gone multiplatinum everybody bought our seventh album . oh , its wonderful . we can finally afford attractive teachers . i was the only one here who understood osmosis . spare me , ug o . willie , since all our books have been digitized , we have no need for the paper versions  burn these . wouldnt it be easier just to toss them out . nonsense . we now have this state of digital book burner . hmm . listen to her hum . whats that .  . well , we didnt want to leave you out of the digital revolution . willie , meet your new supervisor . aw , i have to take orders from a machine . oh , it cant speak . but should it ever learn , yes . will there ever be a technology that teaches stupid children how to ding a dang triangle .  . this school has spent the last let us spend the next mired in now . bo ron . and with this ring , we unite these ancient warring clans , who frolic unclothed , even in winter , and bring peace to decapita . pay cable is awesome . who knew they had nipples in castle times . youre not supposed to be able to get outside our network . you shouldnt have made your password . well , it was the name of the street i grew up on . password drive . seymour , you plugged the servers in with surge protectors , didnt you . oh , yes , power strips . you fool . surge protectors are always power strips . but not vice versa . was that us . no , sir . i like it when its not us . lets see . roman numerals . photosynthesis . uh , robert e . lee . miss hoover , are you teaching or are you just saying anything that comes into your head . miss hoover , please report to the main office . you just did that in your hand . ralph wiggum , put your head down . youre the mouth hand . all right , class . we dont have computers and we dont have keyboards . but that doesnt mean we cant practice our typing . now , put your index fingers on marshmallows f and j , and tap tap . tap tap . tap tap nelson , stop that . this is my dinner . im eating steak . mmm . mmm . needs sauce . great news , children . i found an educational movie i can play on my phone . crowd in  its kind of a little phone . narrator mathematics . agriculture . are there two more exciting words . since the time of the romans , they used scythes to kill each other . the ancient farmer needed tools to measure his land . ten stick knots right . five left . hmm . oh , come to mock ol willie , have you . oh , willie has to work in the hot sun all day . willies best friend is a stick and a string . im not here to mock you . oh , willie doesnt know when someones being sincere . im just here to hang out . whats that device youre using . my rummlie scob . nothing exciting . just a measuring stick dating back to the ancient druids . oh . could you tell me how it works . each knot marks the length of a sheeps bladder . the play field is stomachs by kidneys . thats square haggises . move over , metric system . im learning the gastric system . clever . uh , good news , sir , i have assembled a page on the piglims at rhymouth pock . yes , well , thats the best we can hope for . uh , apply the transparent tape . principal skin ner . willie has showed me that losing our technology doesnt have to be the end of our learning . we can turn our school into a waldorf school . you mean like the hotel . nope . in elementary school , waldorf education focuses on hands on activity and creative play . in secondary education ah , not our problem . after sixth grade , its good bye and good luck . yes , it is . well , it sounds good , but i have one more question . is it based on the book where you find the guy in the hat . wheres waldo . thats not even the name . im surprised you guys didnt think it was based on the salad . both theres a waldorf salad . behold  waldorf education in action . were getting our hands dirty and learning by doing . so i have to make but i only have one pound of hamburger meat . how many cubic feet of styrofoam peanuts should i add . assuming four peanuts per joe , well , youre a smart little fatso . it says here that students dont have to raise their hands . they should just ask every question that comes to their mind . oh . why are pine needles pointy . and , um um , whats the difference between an asteroid and a meteor . and , mm oh oh . can you shrug anything other than your shoulders . does anyone else have any questions . um , if mommys purse didnt belong in the microwave , why did it fit . we wont need computers , we wont need books . i learned not to drink out of the crick . you mean this isnt crick water . my daddy raised me and all my dead siblings on crick water . huh , everyone wears a hat . sun hats in the summer , wool hats in the winter . oh , look at this . weekly friday night parents meetings . oh wait . there might be a safety hatch . does the apostrophe come before or after the s on parents . after , which means both parents . well , im not wearing a hat . people might think im bald . before we share announcements and see the results of grade threes dance study of willows and drooping trees , we greet the day with a school song . now i have to sing a song .  . why did those idiots mix up power strips and surge protectors . every single living creature every cat and every flea all things with a facial feature have the right to smile at me every family is a unit sometimes yelling , sometimes mad divorced or gay or even foster even billy with three dads . i feel like beethoven when charles grodin finally accepted him as his dog . this school is so great now . kids learn by doing . if its so great , why arent you helping your kids do their homework . barts here doing it right now . no , . not two thirds, , one half . now thats one third each . now youre learning . enjoy . one earthworm gah . two halves . all wow . willie . willie . they want you to coach our school math team . ill have to check with my supervisor . good to go . so , if willie gets paid three cents per square foot for seeding , and if the field is square feet , what is willie getting . id say screwed . youre right . you . chalmers . aah . uh oh . come back here , you willie chiseling cheat . hey , who threw that egg at a most efficient it was me , sir . kids , meet your new math team captain . its about time . but im the captain . not anymore . i cant see . i cant see . welcome to the long anticipated rematch between waverly hills and springfield . um , can you tell me which college i should go to . its not a sorting hat . please . early applications are due next week . all right . uh , miami of ohio . okay . our first question is a toss up . what is the least common multiple of six , eight and . is correct . whoa . no one said thered be math . we said thered be nothing but math . and youre the math team captain . i thought i wouldnt have to do anything . you know , like an italian cruise ship captain . youre lucky that captains not here right now to answer your insult . hed crash a ship right into your house . aah . oh , he love , he love , he love he does love his numbers and they run , they run they run him in a great big circle in a circle of infinity espn isnt covering this . doh . point one , four one , five , nine two , six , five , three , five eight , nine , seven , nine three , two . and so , with the score knotted at it comes down to one last question . drawing three straight lines , construct nine non overlapping thats non overlapping, , not overlapping , but non overlapping triangles . homer huh . oh . i have the answer . as someone whose dads hair is made of ms , its childs play . oh , not this again . whoo hoo . im a solution . the action fractions win . you guys might be richer and better looking , but we won a contest to even the series . mm , thatll look great in our trophy case . willie , build a trophy case . aye , sir . but you know what we should really thank for our success . lower standards . all lower standards . aye . youre wonderful , willie . you and the ancient scottish scientist that invented the rummlie scob . well , the truth is , it wasnt invented for science . really . then what for . oh , it was used for hanging sheep stealers . the wee knots kept them alive longer to make the punishment more cruel . maybe i dont want to know these things . can you say something nice about scotland . well , sometimes the fog comes in and covers everything terrible . very atmospheric . oh . shh . springfield . america faces an ominous new threat  terrorism . we must be vigilant , secure every home , every church , every kwik e and presidential library . president clinton i grew up in a little town in arkansas , whose name , ironically , was terrorism . oh , theres new marshmallows in the belfast charms . no . no , thats barts cereal . its the only way i can get him to take his vitamins . eat up . the sum of the square roots of any two sides of an isosceles triangle is equal to the square root of the remaining side . thats not right . yes , it is . theyre my lines as the scarecrow in the wizard of oz . okay , im ready for the nuclear workers convention . its a little sad  the guys who did the funny skit last year , well , theyre all very sick . did you pack everything you need . even better . i never unpacked from the time we went to hawaii . whoo . my lavas almost cooled . im still cold . oh , a whole weekend away from my family . i cant believe i have to miss taking the kids to buy gym uniforms . send me a picture . poor guy . salt of the earth . all convention . convention . convention . convention . convention . stewardess oxygen masks on . convention . convention . man i love conventions . yeah , theyre the perfect combination of work and binge drinking . now look guys , we are here for one important reason . to get free swag . swag , im gonna grab forever . somethin i really dont need . swag . im gonna have and i dont even have keys . swag . interested in learning a procedure that could save your life . more free stuff more free stuff uh , all i have are these spec sheets . more free stuff , more free stuff all swag . theres that woman i always have a same time next year affair with . and shes with her frumpy friend i always have dinner with when you two disappear . mm hmm . put up your nukes . halpern . hey hey . the wild man of wichita . i still havent forgiven you for putting that dead goat in my bed . he wasnt dead till you rolled over on him . ha . oh , yeah . take that . in your face , boy . ow . ow . hey . ill kill you . you son of a . oh , come here , you . oh ah , yeah . it could be , if we introduce , sherman from i . t to my good friend spike . halpern , what will you think of next . nothing . this is it . hey , heres a brainstorm for you . check if its plugged in before you call i . t .  . you think i like talking you monkeys through a password change .  . to texting . hello . wheres homer . homer , when did i see him last . geez , i dont know . yeah , homers a great guy , but that doesnt mean i constantly think about whether hes still alive or not . youre taking a picture of em in their moment of grief . its okay . this camera has an auto cheer feature . aw well , hes not in the boise morgue . maybe he was mistaken for a dead elephant and flown back to kenya . youre talking about my husband . to spare your feelings , well just call him the blob . two to one says the blob is stuck in the water intake pipe at the reservoir . please , i need people here who are helpful and sensitive . sorry im late , everyone . i had some trouble getting the voice mails off the line . why does everyone have to talk so fast and panicky . man a man with a gun is in my house . gibberish . hello , everyone . homie . what happened to you . i overslept , lost my cell phone , missed my flight . why didnt you call us . well , all the pay phones at the airport were replaced by self serve yogurt . i ate all the cookie dough toppings a man could want . so many cookies will never be born . well , i guess all that matters is , everythings back to normal . yes . back to normal . dear christian god hey . sorry . dear god  you know which one i mean  thank you for returning our homie . hes still got a lot of unfinished business down here . amen . im glad youre back , dad . its hard to sleep with one unkissed cheek . yeah , its tough being man of the house . you left some big underpants to fill . i didnt know they made underoos in size . theyre called superoos , son . with pictures of the cast of the expendables . more like the expandables . why didnt you strangle me . that kind of small scale violence solves nothing . couldnt agree more . now to celebrate . ta da . pork chops crusted with cheeto dust . uh , ill pass on the pork . ill just enjoy these green beans with slivered almonds . mmm , so slivered . mmm . bart , why is the dad i always wished for creeping me out . i dont know . cause youre incapable of experiencing joy . yay . point taken . dad , whats that on your lap . a napkin . glad youre back , buddy . you got a lot of catching up to do . can i just get a glass of water . water . that stuff killed my grandmother . so sad . ive been having snuggle dreams . marge , i changed in boise . im not sure a man who eats right and doesnt drink can be good in bed . well , what made you . youre so beautiful when i cut you off in the middle of a question . oh . oh , my . whats that thing youre doing . homer moving my body . marge oh . dont you think its weird that dad stopped eating pork and drinking beer . who cares what happened . daddys back . something happened to dad on that trip . this is worse than when he went to new orleans and came back with a southern accent . uh , how yall doin . chief wiggum , how come every time theres a terrorist chatter in this town , you come to me . lay off , apu . when i look at people , i dont see colors . i just see crackpot religions . chief , is there really a terrorist threat to springfield . yeah . i got a very important phone call . yello . man is this line secure . uh , its a little jiggly but itll hold . we got intel  uh , thats short for a word i dont know intelligence . i dont believe so , no . anyway , this intel says that someone in town has been turned and theyre working for terrorists . now , i got to go check my other suspects . uh huh . but i may be back . huh . dads kneeling on a prayer mat . he doesnt believe in kneeling . huh . it looks like hes praying . to the east . the middle east . mecca . hes targeting the nuclear plant . meow . if you are a cat , prove it . do you hate mondays , like garfield . and do you love lasagna , like me . meow . okay then . mom , i have to tell you something about dad , something big . i know . hes changed . exactly . for the better . and men dont change that way . but but do you know what were doing on sunday . brunch with the hibberts . then the tile store . hes like a husband in a widows memory  perfect . perfect . perfect . fbi . i think someone i love is a terrorist . does that make me crazy . no , . not at all . it took me two hours to get home . traffic was crazy . are you people talking about me . no . were not even here right now . ill be right there . and dont believe what youve heard about me . i havent heard anything about you except from you . hanging up the receiver , eh . how much did you hear . how much did you say . nothing , really . so i heard half of nothing . dad , youre scary when youre calm and focused . lisa , ill miss you when this is all over . when whats all over . this conversation . see you on the other side . what other side . of the house . where the fireplace is . were toasting marshmallows . marsh mallows . im bart simpson . who the hell are you . agent crawford , fbi . you guys know i dont talk to field agents . get your boss on the phone . im not here for you . im here for your dad . what do you want with his dad . go back to sleep , milhouse . how do you know my name . i didnt . but i do now . dont talk . okay . i want you to know im the best there is at finding out what youre up to . oh . i can torture you . i can give you incredible sex . or you can just tell me what i want to know . what was the first one again . i see . youre stupid . hey . im the one in bed with two beautiful women . you think im beautiful . oh . in a breaking and kind of way . well , give me something , or im not leaving . lets just say ive got to get to work on time . and if you knew me , youd know just how odd that sounds . who are you talking to . no one . youre in too deep , annie . get out . are you real , or my imagination . either way , my advice is sound . i love my job . homer it is the climax what everythings been buil di ing to hope it pays off for you oh oh . what you got there , homer . weird thing under a tarp . thats what i thought . have a good one . you laugh now , but you wont be laughing soon . hes right , because now i go back to remembering that my cat just died . hes in . one sunrise burrito , please . fine . female voice facial recognition required . welcome , mr . burns . dad . huh . howd you get in here . girl scout cookies get you in anywhere . please dont do this , dad . i dont know what horrors you saw in boise , but its not worth blowing up everyone you love . im not blowing up the plant . oh . just harmlessly stopping it from doing more damage to mother earth . is that something your terrorist masters told you to tell me . yes . my terrorist masters are always talking about you , lisa . i missed my flight , so i got in a van with some eco friendly activists . they wanted gas , grass or ass , and , brother , i had the ass . they taught me something i found shocking . pigs arent happy to be made into pork chops . this t shirt lied to me . and they also gave me an alcohol detox . nothings shakin on shakedown street used to be the heart of town dont tell me this town aint got no heart oh . oh . oh , ive been listening to this song for three days , and its only the end of the first verse . lisa but i saw you praying to mecca . lisa , ive never prayed to a city in my life , and if i did , it would be hershey , pennsylvania . i was kneeling on the affirmation rug they gave me . see . ow , this rug is hard on my knees . ow , this rug is hard on my knees . ow , this rug is hard on my knees . but wait , . what is this . lisa , the most horrible truth of all is , the plant where i work poisons our water and our air . ive told you that a million times . aw , sweetie , you told me a thousand things a million times . even with a brain the size of a dinosaurs , i couldnt take that in . anyhoo , this canister is full of spoiled milk and utility grade chicken , both sold to me by apu this morning . when i release it into the ac system , itll stink up the plant forever . no one can use it , but no one gets hurt . just like when i smell up the toilet . huh . there he is . use your fattest handcuffs . hey . uh , its not what you think , lou . lou , . lou lou . i can complete my dads mission just like george w . bush . i cant shoot a little girl . ah , damn it . theres some things they just dont teach you in the police academy movies . we did it , dad . we did it . we sure did . you werent shot . no , i was just up late watching a movie . something with william holden and your plan failed . thank god this plant has never had a functioning air conditioner . wait a minute , burns . you dont have a functioning ac system at a nuclear plant . thats against the law . thats impossible . smithers , didnt we move this plant to china . sir , thats two years from now , and youre not supposed to tell anyone . oopsie . there isnt a prison made that can hold me . prisons are still made of mud and wattles , right . no . concrete . you know , dad , just because your missions complete , it doesnt mean you have to go back to pork eating and beer drinking . a beer from the sky . its a sign . yeah , this equipment will pay for itself in one night of binging . i wish a mission could bring me closer to someone , but it cant . okay , its time for me to walk alone into the sunset . thats better . amazingly , the hamsters older than i am . and fox broadcasting company shh . springfield . lisa twas halloween night , with the kids door to , and all over town the blood sugar was soaring . give me your candy . lisa but the simpson abode was deep down in the dumps , cause from little to bigger , the kids had the mumps . marge now , im off to a party , my outfit is chic . its a catwoman costume , im sure is unique . wait a second  its halloween . just rest on the sofa , ill be home by . can we have some candy . just one mm . lisa then we heard a loud crash . homer doh . we were tempted to scat . bart and we looked and we saw him lisabart the fat in the hat . ill save halloween for you three grumpy tots . just stick out your rumps for some mump stumping shots . now hop on my cycle , theres nothing to fear . and we shall have candy and maybe some beer . huh . you should not be here when their mothers away . and you should be dead , youre so wrinkled and gray . ill give you the business , you yellow sea cow . this go getting oldster will where am i now . well fix up this mix up in two minutes flat , with the helpers ive hidden right under my hat . i uh , i knew there was something i left off my list . without food , air and water , they cease to exist . i am the borax . i speak for the woods . but ive plastered my likeness on consumer goods . homer sellout . hey . oh , the fat in the hat doesnt care what moms say the minute they leave you , hell take you away his breakfast is dinner his dinners dessert you might see his name on an amber alert . trick or treat . who buzzed the buzzard . dont pester the rich . i dont hand out candy , you son of a gritch . bart he pulled out bamfoozlers and side winding gizzles . he laughed as he heard that old codgers house sizzles . let this be a lesson to those who love cash , that your nice stash of cash could be gone in a flash . and if you are awful and nasty and cruel enough with the lessons . this isnt a school . once a year we are not hungry thanks to christian charity . i dont got no candy , i only serve beer . and who said that you could bring minors in here . your peanuts are pawed through , your beer smells like skunk . and you just pissed off the wrong fat , furry drunk . hey , . this is supposed to be a childrens story . go grab all his money and vodka and gin . and ill knit a nice thnord from his leathery skin . say , mr . hat , i dont mean to complain , but you promised us candy , not mayhem and pain . bart the dude thought a while , then said i know a man . with an overpriced store , wholl give all that he can . take whatever you want . i dont want any trouble . take jims that are slim , and gum of the bubble . i wont shoot you now , cause ive found something cruel ah, , an afternoon off with eight kids and manjula . no . oh , the fat in the hat has some anger issues and some highly unusual political views if he comes a calling, , youd better hide cause hes committing aggravated floop fluffle . dont forget me . floop fluffle . bart we had to escape from this behatted mammal . lisa so we hitched us a ride on a three hump gumbamel . a gumbamels a camel but faster and humbler . it doesnt take tips and its never a grumbler . so if you must leave in a kind of a scramble , then jump on the hump of a humble gumbamel . bart but if the gumbamel should ramble , then stumble , then just hop atop a krustiferous krumbull . but then if that krumbull should happen to tumble , just call your amigo , the bee man of bumble . bee man ay yi . lisa we thought wed escaped from our psychotic guide but when we got home , he was waiting inside . im staying forever . youre all stuck with that . cause im your new daddy , the fat in the im frightened of nothing , not even hellfires . just dont let me ever be played by mike myers . bart now please do not worry , cause we did okay . yes , kids will get candy , whatever you say . pilot what the hell .  . bart , isnt it dangerous to fly your kite pilot stupid kids . by an airport . hey , if they get on an airbus , they know theyre taking their chances . kite at . i dont know what that means , i have a digital watch . whats my wifes picture doing on your control screen . over . homina , . over . nowhere to tie my kite and i forgot my scarf . bingo . im seeing a pileup , a naked rooftop cookout , and oh , my god . a box kite . well , at least its a beautiful night . im alive . all patched up . end of story . actually , theres a little more . ay , caramba . im sorry . this was the only way to lengthen barts life for a year while shortening yours by . i thought i was donating blood . you are . along with lymph , spinal fluid , and all the trimmings . but , lisa , your brain is still in complete control . i could do what i want to barts head . aw , geez . strangle me out of this , fatso . why you little . ill teach you to make medical history . oops . ah , all good . doh . hey , boy , since you dont need a bedroom anymore , i finally get my man cave . man cave . everyones welcome to my man cave . i assure you , weve spared no effort to accommodate your special needs student . and done . so , in conclusion , my show and is this . excellent , lisa . a plus . bart , your turn . well , my show and is that im on lisas body . derivative and repetitive . f minus . aw . bart , i expected more from a fourth grade head . youre rotating it in the wrong direction . that was gonna be my show and . bart , lisa , im afraid you two are going to be together for a long time . why dont you try to say something good about each other . well , shes pretty healthy for someone whos been living with cooties . bart , arent lisas ears clean . yeah . its like looking down a canadian tunnel . what else . well now i always have someone to eat lunch with . great . thats as much therapy as your parents can afford . i think weve made some progress here . great oh , and i have this two heads for one coupon . well , thats for lettuce . how about this one . one random disorder free with every schizophrenia . thats mine , but its expired . doh . shouldve chopped off barts head long ago . sleep well , lis . somehow , sewing my head on your shoulder brought us closer together . rainbow oh , rainbow oh not the pony dream again . hey , i did that . yep , thats me . when shes asleep , im in control . lis , im gonna make sure you stay asleep . oh , mix ins . mmm . son of a you start a car as well as you start a family . you wait here while i go get the jumper cables . mrs . skinner oh , a panic attack , huh . well , ill give you something to panic about . now ill just cut off her annoying head and this body will be all mine . or we both die . not really sure what the rules are . why , bart . i thought we were friends . a brother can never be friends with his sister . are you really , sure . im afraid i am . well , then , i guess i have no choice . how could this go wrong . cause in a head to battle , the one with the most brains wins . well , wherever i am , its gotta be an improvement . guess again . now i can always sing karaoke duets . mock yeah . ing yeah . i feel your pain , brother . now , i need you to memorize these setups by next week . help me , doctor . so this is what successful post op looks like . burnsum step right up . step right up , only two bits . thrill as thrill as marguerite conquers the air . laugh at the clowns buffoonery . seriously , folks , i really think we should stop this hitler guy . disbelieve , as the strong man pulls a wagon with his bare tongue . this is the song that you hear at the circus sung by a guy that you see at the circus do do , doh . or gape in terror at almighty gods whoopsy daisies the freaks . the human donkey . hee haw . the terrifying callback . mock yeah . ing yeah . creatures from another galaxy . actually , its more of a globular cluster . not the dark , not the dark . ah . and now i must ask that small children leave , good women avert their eyes , and men take a stiff slug of circus whiskey . behold , the most hideous creature of all . how ya doin . so , uh , anyone here from new jersey . im goin there next week . whoa . hey , torso . huh . whats with the cookies . even the human snail wouldve been done by now . i am so sick and tired of people assuming that the human snail is , in some way , slow . good day . all of you . get back out there with your flippers flapping , and your stumps a stumping . joe and jane normal expect some entertainment for their nickel . mr . burnsum . you should treat these poor people with respect . marge . get away from those freaks . you belong to me . the dumb , hairless brute . well , you are the best this circus has to offer . taste the strength of your fianc . oh . oh with the mighty tongue gods given you , why cant you speak kindly of these imperfect angels . marge , they knew what they were getting into when their parents sold them to the circus . enough . you will comport yourself with the dignity expected of a traveling freak show . excuse me , maam , but , uh , i aint never seen a normal stand up for us . i , too , am a freak . one eye is blue , and the other a pale brown . i wouldnt want to be you , lady . never give up hope , my friends . of all the kisses i have ever gotten in my life , that was the first . hey , you should ask her out , moe . ah , but shes sweet on the strong man . youre fine unless rabbit ears hears and tells big mouth . wha .  . i aint got no chance with the strong mans girl . he makes ten dollars a week plus all the sawdust he can eat . well , youve got an emerald ring . my mothers ring . she gave it to me on her deathbed . she also acquired it on her deathbed . that was a very busy deathbed . with an emerald that big , i could buy anything . a jalopy , an icebox , a steamer trunk full of fedoras . but how do i get my hands on it . oh , im an idiot . of course . i get marge to marry moe , then i kill moe , then she gets the ring , then i marry her and the ring is mine . and the brilliance of my plan is its simplicity . youre gonna be sorry you said that . youre gonna be sorry you said that . whoa , oh , i just lost my keys . whoa whoa what do you know . i am gathering moss . hey , marge , you want to marry moe . im engaged to you , my love . the poor , lonely fellow is about to die . really . how . well , let me worry about how . but you know , you could make his last day a happy one . and the ring is just the icing on the cake . what ring . the ring thatll get me out of this lousy circus and into a good circus . now , lets get you married . but wouldnt you be jealous , my love . dear , i am not the jealous type . and from you , i have learned to feel compassion for these disgustos . aw shes a superfreak shes superfreaky yow . yow indeed . and so , with the conclusion of our traditional wedding song , i now declare you husband and wife . moe , whatever small time together we have will be wonderful . a very small time . those are strange things to say , but a wedding is no place to worry about threats from the brides former lover . now , the toast . to you , marge . now you are one of us . freaks one of us . gooble goo . one of us . gooble goo . why is it company parties always get weird . god , you are so beautiful in that peignoir there . i , uh , better freshen up a little bit . set it to massage , jumbo . hmm . what are you doing . oh . trying to kill moe so well get his emerald . by the way , i havent checked , but emeralds are valuable , right . strong man . moe may be ugly on the outside , but inside , you are the true monster . leave my trailer forever . youre rejecting me . but im in the best shape anyone is in the s . i said go . one of us . gooble goo . one of us . gooble goo . what the hell does gooble goo mean . we dont know . gooble goo . we dont know . gooble goo . you killed burnsum . now who is gonna say , step right up . freaks gooble goo . gooble goo . tar and feather him . tear off his drumsticks . make him one of us . freaks one of us . one of us . this is exactly why circus attendance is plummeting . and that , kids , is how i met your mother . and fox broadcasting company freaks one of us . springfield . s so lonely . no sex without a ring . damn it . mm . what the .  . hey , whoa . what about us , man . get your own couch . poor chip . such a big part of everyones life . people called him the sixth simpson . im not sure why . chip did such a wonderful job with my biography . chip was the life of sector at the nuclear plant , but chip once confessed to me he did have a few regrets . chip regretted never ascending mount springfield from the south face . he regretted that the high school long jump record he set was wind aided . he often spoke of that asterisk . he never broke par on hole at springfield mini golf . let us pray . eh , everyone has regrets . not me . you . your marriage is a dead fish floating in a tank of stale beer . your babys addicted to pacifiers . and your son is out of control . let us kneel . ow . my knees . hes such a little dickens . although dickens was pretty well behaved . hes been screwed up since the moment homers dna staggered into your womb . i have no regrets about that . it was a perfect pregnancy . didnt smoke , didnt drink , lost three pounds . and every night before bed , homer would give me a little kiss music . could bart have been prenatally screwed up by the kiss music . get up . everybodys gonna move their feet get down . everybodys gonna leave their seats you got to lose your mind in detroit rock city . huh . man , this is the weirdest pregnancy craving ever . well , for some reason it relaxes me . now , do that thing gene simmons does . overstay my welcome for years . kent brockman regrets , eh . this local newsmans had a few . covering a town of backwater rubes who , for some reason , hate my guts . this is kent brockman live at the springfield peach parade . sir , could you give us eight seconds of your homespun wisdom . its a little known fact that you can get head lice from peaches . uh , this is my daughter peaches . well have more regrets at tonight following an all new bottle of scotch . homer you have regrets , mr . i get to see the weathergirl from the side . i made the worst financial decision of all time . oh , i cant think about it . i wont think about it . i dont want to think about it . oh , im thinking about it . mm hmm . huh . oh thats the coolest bowling ball ive ever seen . hello , bear stearns . id like to sell all my apple stock so i can buy a fancy bowling ball . you heard me . technology is a fad . heavy , black balls are the future . now let us text on our ubiquitous apple tablets and phones . oh , you cost me a piece of all that . oh , dont cry . if it makes you feel worse , im the man who bought the stock you sold . ill bet a rich man like you has no regrets at all . just one . the girl that got away . she broke my first heart . so , is there truly anyone among us without regrets . i have no regrets . really , mother . oh , i didnt see you there . im father ogreedy . dimes for the needy . milhouse , are you the bottom half of that mischief . milhouse uh oh , my . my pants , like the lord , work in mysterious ways . return those vestments . speaking of return on investments , my apple stock is up . aw , you misheard that on purpose . tithe denied . tithe denied . mm . must find way to blame myself . um , it says i should give you lumbar support . better go to the lumber yard . lum  bar . it means lower back . how many times will you make that mistake . just put on the kiss record . which one . anything from love gun . hey , book , are you expecting this . and while im at it burn , dumb , helpful books . that is a good fire . youre going down , bart . why . ah , reckless youth . hell be okay . i was referring to him . i had a spring in my step like that once . back when i met lilah . lilah ran a little crepe stand in the seventh arrondissement . oh , monty , looking at you , i could lie in this unheated garret forever . theres heat . i just dont turn it on . seeing you there , in the sweet light of paris between the wars , theres a question i must pose . i have something for you . oh . not that . wrong box . lilah , will you take that big step from cousin to wife . oh , monty , you must promise me one thing . anything she wanted i was willing to do . anything , except all i ask is that you set aside five minutes a day to think of others . when you say others , could they be bars of gold . i shall find another husband as good as you are evil . no ones that good . all i have left is my drawing . hm . it looked a lot better in my memory . uh , but you know what , smithers . i will find lilah and win her back . ill just check with the old gang . hemingway . picasso . matador juan belmonte . and stalin . that man could really put pressure on you . hello , kent . well , . rachel maddow . everyone came back for chips funeral . i was flying from dc to new york and , of course , i had the layover in springfield . hows the gang at channel . look , lets get this out of the way  just because we both worked at channel and you made it big and i didnt doesnt mean im bitter . um , is that your car . maybe . kent , im gonna tell you the most important mistake you ever made after this break . so , kent , that mistake you made , that fundamental , life changing error , that cosmic fail , that just tell me already . after this break . you could have come with me , but you were suckling the dual teats of infotainment and celebrifawning . so , tell us about your new movie . its fantastic . the studio let us play in their sandbox . great . we have a clip . no . no , dont show it . there arent five good seconds in the whole film . im not a newsman anymore , im a geologist . i keep discovering a new rock bottom . kent , i think i found my ticket out of this town . or at least to a better springfield . you two newshounds working on a story . how about this . marios down the street found a rat in their pasta . when did that happen . whenever you want . eh . rachel , can i come . we can share blazers . just follow me . at marios , the picture of sinatra on the wall is signed by frank junior . the frame hides the junior . someones been dumping tires in the forest . willikers . in my three years of soft news , ive never seen anything like this . those are tires from my ill fated krusty town car . it would explode if people gripped the wheel too tightly . what a scoop . youre not telling no one . as the p . m . clown , i have complete control of the channel news division . local news is a joke . im going to cable . cable news . bah . people only want news at p . m . from white guys on weekdays and black guys on weekends . well see about that . yes , we shall see . about that , things will be seen . by us . kent , you coming . he aint comin . this little piggys afraid to leave his cushy anchorman slop trough . could you , uh , phrase that a little more nicely . sorry . he isnt coming . youll regret this , kent . when i have my own show and youre stuck here tracking santas flight from the north pole . oh , look , hes over greenland . dont worry , piggy , you made the right choice . eh , itll burn out in an hour or so . grunting as he lifts bryce in the air . look , burns , ive got the dope on your sweetie . shes still alive , and she just got over being mad at you last week . lilahs alive . yeah , well , uh , shes alive , but shes a nun . married to jesus , eh . does he beat her . jesus . no , hes a real eagle scout , that one . but your penguins not a catholic , shes a buddhist nun  spent her life expressing her sexuality with a zen garden . those raked rocks could have been me . now , since youre so good at finding things , find the exit . there is the little matter of my fee . youre becoming very tiresome . who moved my desk .  . well , here i am . cable news alley . fox news . is this really how i want to get back in the big leagues . lets see how print journalism is doing . sir , do you sell the new york times . sir , we are the new york times . and in i go . why are you doing this , bart . hes gonna visit my sky granny . to work at fox news , all you have to be able to do is operate this device . now , when a republican is in trouble at the time , i didnt know it was illegal to sex up a cow on the capitol steps . we simply do this . now you try . sorry , but i just discovered i have some scruples . im going back to my sweet little town where i can decide what news is . like a god . weve had some good times . memories rest between the pages of my mind memories see me through the ages just like wine and you sat on the gas pedal when my foot fell asleep , so im getting you shined up nice . what the . oh . thats a ball proof window , sir . would you like me to ask siri for a nearby hospital . siri im sorry , i dont see any hops petals near you . deleting all contact information . no , i didnt ask you to do that , siri . i delete confirmed . bart oh . okay , bart , be cool . calm down , youre not gonna die up here . aw doh . oh , monty , i cant believe you found me after all these years . ive saved myself for you . well , then , uh i should disrobe at once . housekeeping . send up a chinese dressing screen and one of firestones finest vulcanized prophylactics . be right back . smithers . which do i take first , the rhino horn or the tiger tongue . i have my doubts about both , sir . bah . ill just do it the old fashioned way . with my pump . just powdering my nose , darling . smithers , run down to sears , roebuck and get a five eighths phillips head bolt . here i am , slowly dying every day at and . bart help . help . child in danger with exciting visuals . this kids corpse could be my magic carpet . get me a cameraman . the movie up has come horribly to life over springfield . a local boy clings to life in a story that proves this reporters relevance . bart ay , caramba . its bart . pray for a miracle , boy . god can hear you better from up there . dear lord , please help me land safely . or transform this basket into a flying killer robot that i control with my mind . amen . thats not a prayer . my god says it is . oh , i see youre ice cold with anticipation . dead . oh , lilah . even at the end , i waited too long . what if i give her the breath of life . oh , boy . i guess one regret just leads to another . you know , sir , maybe it would bring you peace to honor the one thing lilah ever asked of you . here you are , my good man . a little broth will cure your mental illness . sir , thats five minutes . you can stop thinking of other people now . you know what , i think ill give it another five . im proud of you , monty . i aint eatin that . chief , what are you doing to save our son . well , ive placed marksmen on the roof to shoot the balloons one by one , but frankly theyre not very good . chief , it happened again . aw , come on , guys , spread out . arms length . its all my fault . i should never have listened to those kiss albums when i was pregnant . marge , with all due respect , thats ridiculous . my sarah listened to mozart and churchill speeches when she was pregnant with ralphie , and he cant even open a refrigerator . pushing , always pushing . really . oh , yeah . that kids a mess . hey . only i get to criticize him , lou . kids scared to flush . thinks its his brother . can we focus on my son up in the sky . oh , ive got a long shot idea . by which i mean firing a shot over a long distance . yeah , you see , if we could fire an exactly weight into the basket , it would lower the boy very gently to the ground . unfortunately , all our cannonballs were melted down to make a statue of joe paterno , which we changed to look like eugene levy . i think i just might have what youre looking for . today im glad that i sold that stock . uh , apple closed up another points today . why does everyone know . because their terrific products keep track of it for you . and anything else you could ever think of . that kids not dying on my watch . which ends right now , fortunately . crowd bart . bart . bart . bart . bart . bart . hey . crowd bart . bart . hmm . homers rising faster than apple stock . my boys okay . crowd bart . bart . bart . i won the science fair . i get to go to chicago . crowd bart . bart . bart . ugh . bart , . you know what i think about regrets . as long as your family is together , every choice youve ever made is the right one . and together we are . would you guys knock it off . hes down safe already . man sorry , chief , that was me putting it down . and there you have it  a family reunited . and a grateful nation gives thanks for some solid reporting . back to you , rachel maddow . great job , kent . i think we might have an opening for you at msnbc between our weekend prison documentary block and the two hours it takes to make up joe scarborough on monday morning . no , thanks , rachel maddow . im happy right here . no regrets . and fox broadcasting company hah . shh . springfield . not again . now , i , bart simpson , shall send the first coaster down the track . hmm . no , for once , i want to go first . but , milhouse , i already let you push me on the swings . and its an honor , but im doing this . ow . knock it off , milhouse . eat safety bar . why are we best friends . because your seat was behind mine . feels like this playdates gone on forever . ill handle this . dear weirdo , pick up weirdo kid . and send . aah . did you eat a peanut . no , i just sniffed a nectarine . its okay . i can breathe through my tear ducts . tell me if this gets annoying . i think im gonna throw up the mac and cheese you fed me . im not supposed to have it . thats why i had so much . homer what the .  . if this kids dad isnt here in one second , hes going in the garbage can . hey , guys . who wants a whiff of new kirk smell . yolo . you only live once . once again , cats have it better . kirk van houten . i hope youre not having a midlife crisis . please . just cause i bought a new car , lost a little weight and started taking a dj class , everyone thinks im having a midlife crisis . dad . you got me a skateboard . its for me . now get in the back . and while youre there , use this cream to massage the leather . to the tooth whitening kiosk . im sorry , but does kirk know how silly he looks . look at me . im afraid of dying . oh , homie . im so glad youre happy with your life just the way it is . youve had the same job , same car , same house for years . and thats all youll ever have . a cycle youll never ever , change . and youre okay with it . like i say night after night after night nighty night . kent brockman is here for your interview . so , kent , what brings you here . the miraculous tale of how we lost , then found , our lost and found box . actually , principal skinner , im here to talk about something else cheating . i thought this was a puff piece . youre wearing a sweater . this journalism just turned gotcha . thats right , channel will uncover the truth in a five part series two minutes a day . people , make room for your local emmy nomination certificates . no , do not make room . except for mr . largo and his diet , theres no cheating in this school . these identical what i did this summer essays say different . um myra , dont i have another appointment . oh , this is your first appointment ever . lets take a look at this monitor . this school is more corrupt than the italian parliament . if these children are our future , then i , for one , do not want to live . nelson ha ha . please dont air this . ill tell you the winners of the kickball games in advance . you can make a lot of cabbage betting on k ball . and thats what well end the story with . no . this is kent brockman . pleased with himself . you only live once or so it seems no life for yourself and none for your dreams you work every day at a job so lame and every night the endings the same . no dream will come true you only live once . yeah , well , at least you got your health , huh . now lets see if i can take that away from you . your poison . im tired of living once . i cant believe im saying this , but im starting to regret saying yolo . marge , if you dont mind , im gonna quit complaining about my life and start wallowing in the past . postage , marked in pesetas . who are those letters from . my old pen pal from spain . eduardo . marge hmm . back in fifth grade , you either had to write to a foreigner or a prisoner . i picked a foreigner because the prisoners wrote back too fast . wed write each other with our dreams of the future . i was gonna be king of cheeseburger mountain . did i change or did they stop making mountains out of cheeseburgers . probably a little bit of both . so sad . what kind of moral example is this dump for my boy . please , calm down , everyone . you know , maybe this so called cheating scandal is actually an opportunity to , uh initiate a a dialogue that would , uh , create a teachable moment . uh , something , buzz word i got nothing . quick , get a picture for the yearbook . lisa i have a solution . you took your sweet time coming to our rescue , lisa . maybe the best way to keep students from cheating is to trust them not to cheat . thats it . thats all youve got . something i can read on a tea box . what im suggesting is we create an honor code . oh , swell , more work for the teachers . the students would do it . let her speak . if every student pledges not to cheat , and to turn in any cheater , no one will cheat the system because theyll be the system . all honor code . honor code . i did it . i saved the day . the same way i won that battle in vietnam . by fainting . if youre my wifes secret lover , come in . theres nothing i can do for her anymore . i am looking for my amigo de la pluma . or pen pal . eduardo . is it really you . why are you here . to save the soul of homer simpson . now where is he , old man . im homer simpson . ay , dios mio . what has happened to you . did your hair burn off in a fire that trapped you in a candy factory . i wish . marge simpson . its so nice to meet a friend homer met through the mail who isnt a sea monkey . yes , eduardo barcelona . or in english , eddie miami . homie , i thought a visit from your old pen pal would cheer you up . ah , how eagerly i would wait for a letter from the estadosunidos , and homer simpson . homer buenos das , eduardo . homer what happened to us , eduardo . we had so many things we were going to do . and i , my friend , have been doing them . yeah , well , listen , pal . i have my treasure  my wife and my children . oh . ive had eight wives and children . among them artists , doctors and revolutionary chefs . do you have a disrespectful son who calls you by your first name . i cannot imagine such a creature . hey , homer . did you just fart . did you just fart , sir . bart whatever . easy , homer . i want to help you fulfill some of your childhood dreams . really . now . i have two pizzas coming . i wanted to see who would get here first . now , homer . get your coat . i asked him here to cheer you up . but i didnt think youd drop everything to go gallivanting with some , no offense , spaniard . i promise you one thing , madam . when i return your husband , he will be happy , bringing a new sense of adventure to your marriage and to the bedroom . im not used to strange men saying the word bedroom around me . would you prefer , uh , sala deamor . thats even worse . could you say it one more time . sala de amor . oh . hello , children . i hold before you a copy of the schools new honor code . i know if i can get the toughest kid in class to sign it , the rest of you will sign it . milhouse . hes not the toughest kid , i am . mm hmm . now , the smartest kid . milhouse . hes not the smartest kid . i am . now the class nerd . milhouse . oh . homer , are you prepared to achieve the dreams of a ten year old . i took the liberty of crossing off the , uh , stupid ones . now , this book of your childhood drawings will come to life . why are you doing this . wait , are you in love with me . in love with the concept of you , yes . woo hoo . im an attractive concept like liberty . one more ride . all right . dont forget to ring the bell . im sick of pirates off the street ruining my play . im going back to my old career . care to see a dessert menu . we have the best cobbler since daniel day lewis . how much did this cost to restage . they rented everything from comic book guy for ten bucks . dont stink up the gorn head . i need it for a bar mitzvah later . now dont forget , this is the first exam under the new honor code . theyre doing it . theyre self proctoring . cant you say anything in a normal way . the answer , sadly , is not yes . i dont know what it is about having all my dreams fulfilled , but i feel great . oh , if youre happy im happy . what . that doesnt sound happy . i feel kind of , oh melancholy . mmm , melon collie . thats not helping . well , what was your childhood dream . jumping on the bed . but i never disobeyed my parents . till i married you . lets do it . oh , im a little tired . could we just snuggle again . we do that every night . come on . jump on the bed . oh , okay . can i help you , stranger . i am just watching my friend and his wife innocently pleasure themselves in bed . that sounds salty , but you seem sweet . im gonna call you kettle corn . eduardo , i havent felt this good in years . youre like the tooth fairy . except you dont collect human bones . yes , . of course i dont . here . so , thats it . all my dreams , lived . eh all but one . well , weve got to do it . i never leave a job unfinished . its as true now as that week i worked on the high school yearbook . so much infighting . i had to get out of there . all right , homer , we shall do this thing . the editor put in like six pictures of this girl cause she was his girlfriend . everyone has a bad yearbook story . they spelled my name wrong . get over it . ha . doh . so dont do what i did . that concludes our safety video . just step out that door and you can glide to earth like your boyhood hero rocky the flying squirrel . uh , actually , my hero was the actress who provided rockys voice , june foray . a true legend in the voice over community . im just gonna stay on the plane and think about her influence . she has lived her life . now , you must live yours . no . do not worry . i will follow the trail of your fear . announcer will homer make it . or will he leave a crater the size of the one that destroyed the yucatan . find out in our next exciting installment fat splat or when you squish upon a car . mmm , its amazing . every day has the peace and serenity of a flu outbreak . guess ill be getting some extra credit for this . lisa , im afraid youve gotten all the extra credit we can give out . so willie has been growing you a nice pumpkin . here it is , lass . you want me to carve it into a thank o . no , this is good . well , this knifes got to carve something . homer . you dont have to flap . just glide on the wind . uh , okay . flap . flap . flap . flap . flap . flap . yes , good , much better . i got barts backpack . he got a hundred on his test . thats impossible . is bart cheating . are the popes tweets infallible . bart , im gonna tell . no , youre not . because if you tell people i cheated , that means your system failed . oh , my god , you found a loophole . why dont you put this much inventiveness into your work . because then id be the one thing i swore i wouldnt . you . im doing it . im flying like the squirrel i always knew i was . oh , indigo . marge homer . its me , talking in your earphone . come down , homie . you only live once also means when you die , you die . whats going on . hello . hmm . hmm . hmm . are you mocking me . you can listen to your wife when you are dead . savor the moment . majestic eagle . just like me , unashamed of his baldness . so beautiful . aw , he probably sees a mouse he wants to tear in half . doh . stupid tallest building in springfield . hmm ha . whoa . youve presented me with quite a conundrum . a word you should know since it was on a vocabulary test you aced . but after some thought , all my worries went away . i know the answer . im gonna force you to turn yourself in . good luck with that . the only thing thatll change my mind is a sign from god . son , it was so beautiful . i went faster than the speed of sound . well , bart , is that enough of a sign for you . all right , ill turn myself in . itll give me a chance to work some more on the detention quilt . this patch is for all the victims of atomic wedgies . my friend , youve lived your dreams . no matter what , homer simpson has done it . and soon i hope i remember who homer simpson is and his relationship to me . but i have no regrets . in fact , all this has given me a sense of calm ive never had before . thats the morphine . can you give me the morphine forever . no way . a person on morphine all the time would constantly dissolve in inappropriate laughter . eduardo . eduardo . eduardo . oh . it was all just a dream . eduardo it was not just a dream . and you said youd drive me to the airport . oh , yeah . great . um do i drop you at the curb or do i have to park and walk you in . go as far as your heart will take you . you are a good friend . and fox broadcasting company you only live once but thats okay youll live quite long in the usa but back to my point you only live once youve got years and years unless its just months . shh . springfield . marge oh . come on . just pick one . oh . fine , you can have your old one . you can have one of these . hmph . did you know some historians think american football is based on an ancient aztec game . its not american football , its just football . bart , youre not annoyed that milhouse asked me to go to the american football game instead of you . mom , lisas ruining football . american football . no time for breakfast , marge . just give me a banana . now , listen . i have to work late tonight . again . i was hoping you could spend some time with the kids . its a tough economy . money doesnt grow on trees . it grows on threes . yeah , im out . me , too . too rich for my blood . i should not have anted with my blood . whew . you got the touch tonight , homer . nice sunglasses , lenny . homer simpson . do you really want to keep cheating your friends , lying to your wife , and avoiding your kids . what would jesus do . hey , you gotta pay to find out . you looking for a tell . i dont have one , my friend . what . what are you lookin at . id better call it a night , guys . i dont want to take any more of your money . mm . mm . mm . hmm . whos president now , alexander hamilton . i think its obama . hold the door , please . two minutes apart . timing the elevators , eh . oh . smart . oh . no , . im timing my contractions . i think im in labor . deep in labor . okay , no worries . what the . oh . do you have a cell phone . everyone has a cell phone . mines at home . the most beautiful moment of my life is happening now . everything will be fine . umoh you , uh , you like movies . this reminds me of that scene in alien . what . the scene where she escapes with the cat at the end . aw , well , thats sweet . listen , im glad im not going through this alone . i havent seen my boyfriend in months . oh , uh , he was just here . no , he wasnt . but thanks for lying . you like lies . heres a few college is expensive but its worth it . i think the babys coming . okay homer , remember your lamaze training . now , this next position is fantastic for women who are carrying especially big . homer , can you demonstrate . mm hmm . mm oh . yeah , wow , that does feel good . oh , no , i think its coming . oh , i havent even picked a name yet . you did this to me . no , i didnt . im talking to the baby . here it comes . um , i dont know how to tell you this , but your baby doesnt have any legs . what . oh , wait , theres more . mm . its a dude . and hes uncut . very euro . now , hug your mommy . for unto you is born this day , in this elevator , inspected in august a baby . well , it was nice to share this moment with someone who cared . yeah , that guy didnt even look over once . lobby please . how was work . miraculous . mm . mothers are so awesome . oh . these are great seats . you can hear the players swear from up here . player ill kick your ass , milhouse . announcer and now , to take your minds off the massive concussion and subdural hematoma you just witnessed , please welcome the springfield atomettes . now , for this routine , we need the help of a junior atomette . theyre picking me , dad . dont call me dad . if people think peanut vendors have families , its too sad . announcer looks like weve got a volunteer right there . look , while id like to help , im kind of pessimistic about the teams chances . theyre gonna get creamed . go , . mm . uh im dating a cheerleader . lisa no , youre not . player burned again , milhouse . wow , that was great . can i have my regular clothes back , please . no problem . great job , ladies . now heres your which should just about cover your parking . i cant believe he pays you so little . the crowd was crazy about you . i know , but what are we gonna do about it . if we pipe up theyll put us in the mascot costume . women ew . after you wear that , you need to be hosed down for bedbugs . good game , everyone . i never dreamed a night where you discovered i was cheating and beat the crap out of me could end on such an up note . see you next week . woman homer . hmm . hey , gretchen . i had your jacket cleaned . good as new . and thanks for loaning me your sweater for the ride home . it may be a little stretched out . geez , that was a pregnancy sweater . so , you want to hold little homer . wow , so nw theres two things named after me  a baby , and a law banning air horns after a . m . aw thats sweet . moe read em and weep . the novels of charlotte bronte . carl um , i thought we were playing cards . uh , hey . i was just driving by with some baby stuff we didnt need and , uh , well , heres some diapers maggies too big for , and an incredible educational toy i forgot to give bart . thanks . hey , could you babysit for an hour . ive been alone with the baby for days . wow , id love to help , but i did kind of have plans for tonight . moe no , you cant leave . im dealin you in . full house . you win again . i think ill be good tonight and stay in with you . baby , please let me hold him wheres hoju . wheres hoju . wheres hoju . wheres hoju . wheres hoju .  . we want to make him stay up all night yeah , we do . itchy and scratchy show . a child arrived just the other day he came to the world in the usual way but there were planes to catch and bills to pay he learned to walk while i was away and he was talking fore i knew it and as he grew , hed say , im gonna be like you , dad you know im gonna be like you and the cats in the cradle kids blow up so fast . oh . homie . aw , youre shopping ahead for maggie . oh , no , im shopping for homer jr . a baby i delivered in an elevator the night i pretended to go to work but was really playing poker . what .  . this simulation has been brought to you by your brain , a subsidiary of your penis . oh , yes , im shopping for maggie , our baby together , so this looks perfectly innocent . why are you saying that . oh , you know how the first few weeks are sleep deprived , walking around in a fog . first few weeks of what . um , november . hey , atomette . i want to say caitlin . lisa . guys , do you realize youre being exploited by this team . all wha . they sell your posters , workout dvds , and all of your practices are broadcast on a webcam . and some of the angles are low . but dont worry , collective bargaining will enable us to secure concessions . uh , were gonna push em back , push em back , push em way , back . all the way to a new contract . cause union power is a fact . and were okay , we get it . well , look whos here . you been hit by the cheerleading bug , little lady . actually , ive been hit by the unfair labor practices bug . what . why , thats samuel gompers talk . now , little missy , the only thing you should be organizin is your dollies . how . by size , brand , value . and dont even suggest race , cause i dont see that . i just see little people i own . what do you say , ladies . not right , not fair . lets say it with our hair . okay , fine . im gonna give it some thought , then say no in the nicest way possible . no . oh , good . nice . beat dallas . can never argue with that . hey , ladies . my vest isnt the only thing thats ripped . i am in the market for a backup mistress . possibly two . have you kids seen your father . surprised hes not here ogling these girls . he said he was going to work . on a friday afternoon . i bet hes playing poker again . coming through . wife on a mission . go , fight , win . marge . wow , ive never burst through a banner before , but it really does the trick . homer , i know youre here . your cars outside . where is he . i honestly dont know . im just teaching myself massage here with online videos and a store mannequin . oh , im so sorry . so , do you have any injuries i should know about . oh . hmm , if hes not in there , where is he . homer oh , baby . oh , baby , shake it . homer like . oh . shake it . now , roll over on your tummy , just like i taught you . tell me what a cow says . aah . my other baby mama . so this is where youve been going . another womans apartment . marge , its not what you think . quiet . youre upsetting homer jr . you have a baby together . oh , its cool . we did it in an elevator . im a schwarzenegger wife . but youre also the housekeeper , so its all good . its not good . none of its good . i havent had a drink for a week . that is pretty good . so then you delivered her baby right there in the elevator . its true . even the other guy in the elevator  hes right here . and the really funny thing is im a doctor . well , im glad you did a good deed , but you shouldnt come here again . i thought that was strange poop on your collar . good bye, , homer jr . i guess youre the man of the house now . and never forget , even though the mortgage is due on the first , you can usually wait till the th . you know what . i think its fine if homer spends a few hours now and then with homer jr . exactly . you always said charity begins at home . but not which home . its true , i never specified the home . theres a great and a bloody fight round this whole world tonight and the battle , the bombs and shrapnel reign hitler told the world around he would tear our union down but our unions gonna break them slavery chains our unions gonna break them slavery chains i walked up on a mountain in the middle of the sky could see every farm and every town i could see all the people in this whole wide world thats the union thatll tear the fascists down , . now to sing you a lullaby my father sung to me . sleep , . oh , man , i really overdid it tonight . late night at moes , eh . no , im exhausted from head , shoulders , knees and toes , knees and toes . its the toes that get you , marge . its the toes . what about your own children . way ahead of you , marge , im taking all four of my kids to the zoo tomorrow . three . yes , well be back by . homer has a very tight nap schedule . quit talking about that baby . i was talking about myself in the third person . oh . we cant take much more of this , lisa . the girls are getting so antsy theyll cheer anything . youre the greatest generation , worthy of our veneration . go grampa . if this is heaven , why dont my shoes match . okay , i give up . im gonna do what we secretly did at the alamo  surrender . while youre at it , how about a little boost for peanut vendors . what do you think im taking their raise out of . i wanted you all to be happy together , so i brought you to the zoo where all the animals live in harmony . okay , guys , i got your ice creams . hey , ah , . now , maggie , we dont hurt each other in this family . are you nuts . you cant even kiss me good night without slicing me with your stubble . why you little ill give you a good night kiss youll never forget . come here , you . aah , oh , ah . ah . ow . yeah . dad , were missing the giant capybaras of uruguay . okay , i know whatll cheer you kids up . seeing me out monkey the monkeys . i have a soul and you guys dont . aah . monkeys . dad , maggies rolling away . shes heading for prairie dog village . if they get her in their warrens , well never see her again . look , shiny keys . jingle jangle . stupid monkeys . thats it , maggie , use the dino wand . this is the last time youll see that elevator baby . im sorry , homer jr . youll occupy an idealized place in my heart that no one can ever quite fill . therapy , please . me , too . okay , ive got to impart all my fatherly advice in this one walk . the sky is blue , but nobody really knows why . dont believe what they tell you . girls are great and terrible at the same time . get used to it . and , most importantly oops , were here . youll have to figure it out on your own . sorry , little fella . one day ill be that guy who comes to your wedding , makes you feel a little weird , and then runs away . homer , great news . chase came back . whos chase . homer jr . s father . oh , my god , is that my son . you didnt tell me he was a soldier . you didnt tell me you were pregnant . i didnt want you to marry me because i was pregnant . i wanted you to marry me because i was nagging you . um , he likes it if you tickle his toes . dude , hes my kid . he likes what i like . but n n . gretch , i think hes got my calves . he does , baby , he does . can i just say good bye to him quick . sure . i guess this is it , little guy . da da . the most beautiful words a father can hear . da da . da da . oh . hey , one day youll have kids of your own . i do . really . then this is much creepier than i thought . much . shouldnt have bet his door if he didnt want to lose it . hi , maggie . if you could talk , i know youd have a few choice words for me . you want me to take care of your dolly . thats the sweetest thing any baby has ever done for me . honey , you know where the bottle opener is . i think its in the drawer . whoa , little dude . where did you learn that . this is what were fighting for , babe . homer hey , whats this marching band have to do with homer jr .  . what .  . there were cheerleaders in our house and nobody told me . and fox broadcasting company shh . springfield . oh , the rain has washed away the playground shed . im being chased by sports . its called precipitation , cause it never fails to precipitate unruly behavior . and saddest of all , those who do not have a friend to play with in the rain , doomed to get only single pneumonia . a spit wad . well , at least im getting some attention . and the best part is im bombarding her with her own homework . begone . well , youre never alone surrounded by the autobiography of charles manson . hmm . huh . hi . new kid , second grade . dont you love the rain . new kid . uh , have you made any friends . just charlotte , emily and anne . thats a reference to the bronte sisters . you got my reference to the bronte sisters .  . nice to meet you , lisa simpson . how do you know my name . i deciphered the anagrams on your notebook . oh . be lisa . isabel . homer oh , spaghetti . yello . lisa , you got a call from someone named isabel . may i ask what this is regarding . oh . a budding new friendship . oh . boy , how come you cant get a new friend . whats wrong with the one i got . i finally got that mm out of my inner ear . i remembered correctly it was a green one . dont eat it . its been in his ear . dont eat it . its been in his ear . dont eat it . its been in the boys ear and the dogs mouth . dont eat it . oh , for gods sake . and dont you hate being the middle child . yeah . in the car , i always have to sit on the hump . it makes reading impossible . marge lisa , your foods getting cold . its raw veggies . theyre supposed to be cold . well , someone who loves you put melted butter on them . thank you , mr . bergstrom . ill tell lisa you dropped by . i better go . okay , but one more thing i noticed were both doing presentations on franklin roosevelt at school . why dont we do them together . oh , my god . someone wants to be my partner . cant screw this up . downloading , whoo hoo . franklin roosevelt bravely instituted a series of reforms called the new deal . which ran totally counter to americas tradition of limited government . p . s . it was also unconstitutional . oh . um , fdrs steadfast leadership also helped america win world war two . until the weak kneed democrats sold us out at yalta . if you havent guessed , lisa , im a republican . a lincoln republican . not really . a reagan republican . keep going . first president bush . getting there . oh , dear god . i must say , lisa , it was amusing to see you thoroughly de high . that isnt a word . oh , back on the saddle she climbs . i just cant believe someone like you would be a republican . i mean , isnt your last name gutirrez . just what exactly are you saying . im just saying that people of your heritage  which could be any one of many heritages , im not pigeonholing is it a catholic thing . im a non observant jew from argentina . ay , caramba . do you even know what that means . uh , there theres a caramba in my eye . its the spanish version of hot damn . ay , caramba . hmm . lisa , is everything okay . yes . why . because youre doing your homework and you dont look happy . my new best friend isnt what i thought . shes a republican . what is so funny . theyre destroying the world . they are , huh . i thought id show you this when you were older , but you voted for reagan .  . marge it was a crazy time , the s . you dont hear me listening to the thompson twins anymore . although hold me now so , you were going through a phase . mm hmm . all right , s party . wheres the beef . tear down that wall . because i think the beef is behind that wall . hmm . hmm . you say im a dreamer now get up here , boy . were gonna do the super bowl shuffle . no . you never let me be mike singletary . fine . youre mike singletary . enjoy your mediocre coaching career . my name is homer , im a real fullback gonna run that ball , dont want no flack if you try to run , youll get a heart attack why you little . hey , big man , dont want no trouble im just here to do the super bowl shuffle excuse me . peoples views change . bobby kennedy worked for joe mccarthy . larry david was on fridays . what are you trying to say . isabels only eight . as she grows up , surprising things will happen to her body of beliefs . but she could always use a friend like you . hmm . hmm . isabel . lisa . listen , im really sorry about no , its okay . my mom says youre just going through a liberal phase . what .  . my mom says youre going through a conservative phase . theres no such thing . conservatives only get more conservative . because every year , they get a little further through atlas shrugged . listen , were both eight years old . cant we just play monopoly or something . my father owns a monopoly . that young filly is exactly the kind of candidate we need to start recruiting . shes a young , dynamic latina . yee haw . i said that just right . without the hispanic vote , even texas is poised to turn blue . blue . yeah , we must reach her and groom her before she fattens up like chris christie . he thinks gop stands for gravy on pancakes . but despite my mirthful remarks , obesity is no laughing matter . just cant resist those words , sign up sheet . oh , looks like ill be running against isabel . and ralph . just call me ralph nader . i dont know why . isabel . i want this campaign to be about the issues same sex field trip buddies , providing class pets with a path to citizenship and no digging up past relationships . sure , lisa and i dated . sure , she broke my heart . im sure your researchers know all about it . this is the first ive heard of it . really . but i got this . ew . how long has it been since you washed your stomach . you cant ask that anymore . quit shoving . id like a word with you , young lady . how did you get in there . slid in through the grates . heres the scoop . youre our future , so we cant afford to have you lose . and i love the spanish  from the inquisition to the delightful franco years . what are you talking about . move over . i know how to talk to kids . we want to give you a little present . a tainted victory that will haunt you forever . id rather do this myself . but whod own you then . you couldnt buy me with a wheelbarrow full of ice cream . whoa , nicely done . youve charmed another one right into the arms of the libertarian party . maybe we can help her without her knowing were helping her . no one says i cant buy a second grade election . why , i had enough money to fix people magazines sexiest man alive . most of the money went to convincing them that i was alive . who ordered the yumboni . right here . now , smithers , i want you to eat this for me . describe every taste . and dont forget the brain freeze . sir , i am lactose intolerant . and im back talk . so start eating . have a great day , kids . and , bart , ill pick you up after school to take you to karate lessons . mom , after six weeks , i figured out that sensei weinstein is really my psychiatrist . either way , for minutes , youre not my problem , sweetie . dont worry , lisa , despite the paid ad , i am strictly middle of the road . idiot . pick a lane . wha .  . what are you doing .  . im as bewildered as you are . i dont know why , but the springfield republican party is grooming me . grooming . yuck . unfortunately , i cant stop it . the supreme court says spending money is free speech . well , then you could use your free speech to denounce this intrusion of big money into our election . mm , ill think about it while im on my listening tour of the cafeteria . pour me another . what are you doing . its imaginary . fine . i got to go . ill see you later . ay , caramba . bart , i need you to help me win the election . i can help , but its gonna get rough . im fine with rough . you dont know what rough is . that aint rough . more like a gentle breeze . maggie hits harder . did the good night pixie just kiss my cheek . ow . okay , you got my attention . you want to win this election . then from now on , you do exactly what i say . you got it . first , go make me five pans of brownies . youre just taking advantage of the situation . hmm , maybe isabel likes baking . cakey or gooey . ill make both . first , we reel them in . then , we scare the hell out of them . by discussing the schools budget crisis . no , with balls to the head . bombardment . i associate isabel with a pain in my tummy . bombardment . miss simpson , your platform calls for the creation of a student run garden . organic gardening is an essential part of st century education , teaching both hands on and what programs would you cut to pay for this precious garden of yours . the new wiffle bats . pizza friday . not pizza friday . sorry , lisa , you lose again . you got to get on your game , sister . you think im tough . wait till gutirrez sinks her teeth into you . remember , you got an ace in the hole chocolate milk in the water fountains . thats impossible . weve already had the best plumbers in the city look into it . hey , well worry about that after youre elected . what are you so happy about . its in the bag , lis . once everybody sees this . training wheels . she still uses training wheels . and watch this . excellent . what am i doing . untent . untent . oh , bart , i want to win , but not like this . im sorry , youre fired . leave the bottle . i bet by the end of the night , youre gonna look pretty good . welcome to our first in a series of debates  good lord  before the elementary school elections . youre a booger head . and i say we move beyond name calling to solve our real problems . booger head . vote for whoever you want to . to me , these are both losers . now , the second grade debate between isabel gutirrez and lisa simp a . sounds weird . mm . isabel ivy agee , frank marino , glen gloyd . these are men who fought at omaha beach . and they are the reason im running for second grade rep . dios los bendiga a todos . ill bet my bologna sandwich that girls gonna win . oh , a little rich for my blood , sir . yes , you can fog a mirror , seymour , but i wouldnt call you alive . now , the other candidate , lisa simpson . okay , im a liberal . and sometimes thats a dirty word . liberal . but what liberal really means is someone who believes that those who have more than enough should share a little with those who dont . and those principles have consistently been in place during this countrys most prosperous times . so if thats a liberal , then i am a liberal . and hang me . sorry , were just setting up for an occurrence at owl creek bridge . oh . the democratic party pantheon . such lofty ideals . and here come the spirits . michael dukakis , walter mondale , john kerry . these are all losers . im afraid youre heading for a loss , lisa . and when we lose , we lose big . what about obama . harry truman . bill clinton . lisa , youre a lot like me . play the saxophone , come from a small town , raised by a mother with no help . so , do you know how i can win . i dont even know why im a ghost . all these guys are alive . john kerry here is secretary of state . doing a bang up job . well , we still have a long way to go on asian currency issues . absolutely . and , lisa , im only appearing in this dream so i can visit with you about the clinton global initiative . see , our mission is to turn ideas into action . and to find innovative solutions that will hel hey , . you cant fall asleep in a dream . i know what ive got to do . hello , isabel . listen cgi also convenes cgi america , a meeting devoted to economic recovery and job creation . you used to be fun . kevin costner used to be a movie star . get over it . and now for their final debate , please welcome , uh , li um li sa . li sa, , uh , simpsone . yes . and , uh , isabel adolpho guzman gutirrez . uh , ladies . i just want to say , i dont care about politics , electioneering or negative campaigning . if my friend lisa wins , so be it . and i also want to say that if times up . but i stop showboating . back in the banner shed you go . skinner good morning . we have completed the tally of the votes for class representative . one brief announcement the tainted greek salad has given several students nightmares involving michael dukakis . it may recur tonight , so if possible , have your parents strap you to the bed . and now the results . first grade rep  results delayed indefinitely due to jelly on the ballots . second grade rep  isabel gutirrez . third grade rep , no votes cast . congratulations , isabel . fourth grade rep  last name weiner , first name ima i truly hope you enjoy the friday morning council meetings . simpson . and the the free snicker doodle cookies . smithers , we won . drop the balloons . ow . ow . oh . can i at least remove the balloons . do it and youll kill him . hey , lis . hey . im sorry i fired you . eh , no hard feelings . a lot of good things have been happening to me . mm hmm . thanks , bart . i think you might feel better if you looked at these exit polls . they find me a pointy haired know it . yes , but they agreed with everything you said . what are you getting at . for a liberal . just not you . huh . you hear that , world . they love my ideas , just not me . and that is half the battle . ha . hello , im elder anderson cooper . welcome to our first debate between republican isabel gutirrez and lisa simpson , representing the democratic robot zombie coalition . first question ms . simpson , what would you do to get america out of afghanistan . id just throw in the towel and make it a state . thats our girl . and fox broadcasting company shh . springfield . skinner . skinner he patrols the school halls skinner . when you spit , hes got the balls as you mosey through the school all the kids say youre so cool and you even made bart simpson spill his milk skinner . skinner youre the master of your fate . skinner . skinner you sure look good in chaps skinner wake up . youre on . children , i have some exciting news . im here to tell you about a field trip so amazing , weve put sign here stickers on the permission slips . as you recall , these stickers came from last years field trip to the sign here sticker factory . but thanks to my old navy buddy  we both love to shop at old navy  the students of this school will be taking a ride on a nuclear powered, , attack class submarine , the uss tom clancy . so youre all excited , eh . all yay . well , thats too bad , because many of you will not be going . all huh .  . theres limited room on the submarine , so only the best behaved students  as determined by me  will go on the trip . whoo hoo . well , i get to go . to increase the tension , everyone starts with a clean slate . but from this moment on i am the law . i hold the red pen . skinner . pranks , inside use of outside voice , off color whistling , and youre stricken from the list . and once crossed off , you stay crossed off . thats what pens do . help . im trapped in space with a man i dont like . bart aooga . submerge . periscope . aooga . aooga . die , nazi octopus , die . sweetie , about the submarine whats your favorite food to eat when youre disappointed . im going shopping tomorrow . ice cream sandwiches . why . what your mother is trying to say is we dont think you can be good that long . mom , is that true . well , thats sort of what i was trying to say , but what your mother is trying to say is no , youre wrong . youre all wrong . i didnt say anything . were you thinking it . yes . get real , ding dong . youve already done so much bad stuff , skinners never gonna let you on that boat . no , skinner said i had a clean slate , so right now , im as good as any other kid . good one , ding dong . mom . dont listen to them . theyre the ding dongs . wha .  . bart , sweetie , this is an opportunity for you to turn things around yet again . and i believe in you . yet again . thanks , mom . ill start by taking my plate to the dishwasher . wherever that is . pfft . marge , i love bart as much as you do , but actually not . and that kid cannot go one week without getting in trouble . now , if youd be so kind as to start my car for me , im going to moes . oh . thank you . whoo hoo . mm hmm . mm hmm . what are you doing . to avoid temptation , im getting rid of all the things that could get me in trouble at school . i buried all my whoopee cushions in the backyard . hmm . what the . thats not where i buried them . come on . dont take my custom limo . at least let me sniff my coke out of the floor mats . oh , hi , little girl . what brings you to see uncle krusty . krusty , are you broke . yeah . all it takes is some bad luck at the ponies , worse luck in the bitcoin market , heavy investment in a high end bookmark company . you could do what everybody loves raymond did . go off the air while im still good . that horse has left the stable , gone to the glue factory and has been used to make art projects . i mean , you could sell foreign rights to your show . even spongebob did it . buon compleanno , squiduardo . no , roberto . e una mina della seconda guerra mondiale , che far saltare in aria e ah . calamari .  . no . no . uh its cute stuff , but im still broke , girlie . not my monet . i only looked at it once . what im saying is , you could produce foreign versions of your tv show with actors from other countries . okay , ill do it . not my shetland dolphin . although i wont miss the constant yapping . papa . not anymore , he aint . gum on the floor . off the list . unauthorized meat a . off the list . lips touching the fountain . off the list . its not my fault theres no water pressure . excuses are like handkerchiefs everybodys got one . i dont have a handkerchief . off the list . firm but fair , sir . dont want any troublemakers on our submarine . not bad , simpson . did you wash your knees . front and back , sir . youre like egg salad at a picnic , simpson . even when you look good , we know youre going bad . principal skinner . i object to this arbitrary use of power and request i be taken off the list . off the list . thank you . oh , man . five days without pranking . im getting strange red marks . but im gonna make it . uh oh . somethings wrong with my long yellow car . any of you kids got a triple a card . what . no . ill be late . skinner will cross my name off the list . all fixed up . off the list . for what . muddy footprints on the school floor . ive broken a ten year spirit . time to celebrate with a fruit  on the yogurt . plain , mmm . fruit . no , mother , i did not use any of your talc . i dont know why the bottle feels lighter . maybe youre just getting stronger . some days i could just kill you . she heard me . hello . bart hold for the president . obama this is barack obama . is this a prank . obama no . thats offensive . i want to talk about submarines and trips . simpson has to go . simpson has to go on the submarine . on the submarine . of course . this is barack obama . so in love with you i like ohio state you can put lipstick on a pig so in love with you welcome . welcome , foreign market krustys . if you examine your krusty kit , youre gonna find unremovable green hair dye , a used red nose and a guidebook on how to capture a monkey . but now , the man they call mr . monday afternoon krusty . hey hey . hai hai . hu hu . heil heil . rodgrod med flode . now , there are many words for what im looking for  rubles , renminbi , baht  but they all mean money , which rhymes with funny , which you can be if you want . i dont care . just do the krusty show in your country and send me ten percent . then send me another . then five percent more , and youre good . nice job , simpson . you even got my suze orman tape unstuck from the cassette player . shes the reason i was able to purchase a new watch band . always bragging about his watch band . if only i could tell time . okay , i washed your car like you asked , i did your paper route , and im sorry . i really am . this could be the turning point of my life . where you , as a school guy , made a difference . what do you think . can i go on that sub . sorry , simpson . take her down . kids yay . ralph yay . nelson yippee . milhouse poor bart . rasta hey hey, , on the left hand side . as my mother used to say , wanti cant get it , getti no want it . now heres itchem and scratchem , mon . they smoke they toke they smoke and toke and smoke ha . smoke , toke , the itchem and scratchem blow . eye and eye say good bye . the blessings of jah upon you all . nice . youre a hit all over the world . theres chinese krusty with sideshow mao . even irish krusty . me ma , she had children , but only three lived . then they closed the mill . hey hey . and its all thanks to you , kid . to show my appreciation , im gonna bring you with me next time i entertain the troops . warning theyre not american troops . hello , boy . at times like this , theres not much you can say , especially if you dont know what happened . skinner didnt let me go . really . hey , i bet that submarine isnt so fun anyway . you think so . fire that torpedo , milhouse . aye , . whered it go . it was just imaginary . i know a kid should never turn to his father for help , but i got screwed . is there anything you can do . as i always say , dont get mad get dinner . then get even . with skinner . youll really help me get revenge . yes . whats skinners weakness . everything . good . we can use that . skinner . skinner you are feeling pretty smug skinner . sipping cocoa from a mug when youve reached the mountaintop your next step is a drop . no , . skinner . ill be right there . just saying good bye to mother . seymour , im going out for a walk . uh huh, , see you in several months at the soonest . we have a problem , seymour . i did everything for you and you stabbed me in the back . wait a minute , i knew you were a neat freak , skinner , but you beat your rug till it bleeds . all right , ill come clean . i woke up and , surprisingly , mother wasnt there beside me . she was dead . still , i cant be sure i killed her . well , im sure our towns police force will handle this competently . now , i could investigate further , but you dont want to sit in a jail all weekend . chief , that was awfully arbitrary . not compared to this . let me handle this . just go upstairs and shut the door . there are some things only a boy should see . now do you want to dispose of this jelly soaked pillow . just call me the cleaner . um , wheres the body . shes in a better place . the deed is done . oh , i wish youd asked me before you look , you kill them , i get rid of them . thats always been our deal . but i do have one question do you want the head . no , god , no . well , if you change your mind , itll be in my freezer . but only for a week . got a lot of ice cream coming in . ugh , if this were a movie , mother wouldnt let me watch it . now , im afraid its time to start your new life . youll be hunted , on the run , searching for the man who killed your mother , which is you . so avoid mirrors . krusty , i have some very bad news . the foreign krustys are all hotter than you . irish krustys got a show on broadway . oi , wheres your monkey . there never was a monkey . i was just tellin stories to forget me consumption . well , you see there , they need to hit the word monkey harder if they want to get a laugh . dont you get what im trying to tell you . you are now the least popular krusty in the world . what about romanian krusty . what , you mean president for krusty . i still get a piece , right . putz . youre the least successful version of you there is . a piece . now , lets see where this goes . irish krusty , this is your baby . the only thing working round here is your libido . now i know why ma walked into the sea with her pockets full of rocks , on christmas . why doesnt this material work for me . seymour , the cops are on their way . heres a bus ticket to juarez and your fake i . d . skinner oh , come on , i dont look anything like this dick fiddler . no , you dont yet . i dont want to sound ungrateful , but could i eat one of the potatoes . sorry , but dick fiddler is allergic to potatoes . i understand . dad . thanks for sticking up for me . someday i may have to fake my own death . and maybe you can help me with that . sure , dad . someday soon . as in , what are you doing this friday . aah . dick fiddler . gentlemen , i cant run away from what ive done . i accept that i killed my mother . my whole life , shes belittled me . maybe deep down , im glad . this has gone far enough . im starting to think this school project is more than meets the eye . mother . youre alive . seymour , when this fat guy and his kid asked me to fake my death to punish you , i said , sure , thats something to do . you know , when you glare like that , you look really beautiful . mm hmm . but when i just heard you say you were glad to see me dead i thought , now im gonna be meaner to you than ever . how is that possible . ive stopped taking those pills that keep me nice . fiddler . fiddler , you look stupid in that beard fiddler . this dream is getting weird . krusty so i heard many of you are dissatisfied with my cut of your take . well , we did consider letting you keep more . but instead , were giving you something even better . i will do a guest shot on each of your shows . huh . eh . twist him like a balloon . cut off his hey heys . lets slice him up and cook him in our traditional dishes . krusty , cant you think of something . im very bad in a crisis . i also cant ad lib, , memorize anything , improv or tell a joke . uh , you know , why did you even become a clown . well , i was supposed to be one of the sad ones . and fox broadcasting company they smoke , they toke they smoke and toke and smoke ha . smoke , toke , the itchem and scratchem blow ha . shh . springfield . merry christmas , movie house . merry christmas , mr . mouse . hey hey . due to modern sensitivity , weve been asked to block any violent images that appear in this childrens cartoon . oh , my god . i never watched one of these sober . i gotta get this bloodbath off my kids show . krusty damn it . aw , geez , when did everything turn to crap . bart , dont use language like that . marge man , things sure have turned to crap . homer , you have to take the halloween decorations down before you put the christmas ones up . marge , to that i say , boo , humbug . theres a new grinch this holiday season , and its name is global warming . meteorologists warn therell be no snow this christmas anywhere in america , not even in alaska , where the eskimos now have a hundred words for nothing . global warming . huh . by pure coincidence , every scientist was right . but its not all doom and gloom . illegal poachers are having a field day . degrees , water wont freeze god help us , please , no ones on skis happy , hunting happy , hunting . sorry , kids , i guess the hats and mittens will have to wait until next year . oh . oh . hmm . snow . snow . oh , you know what this means , kids . i dont have to pick up the dog poops . uh , so you see , the snow is a microclimate aberration caused by radioactive steam from the nuclear plant and , of course , tire fire particulate . so , were the only place in america with snow , if you can call it that . i guess you can . dont you idiots see what this means .  . idiots . why do we reelect this guy . cause his opponent has a long slavic name . who want bumper sticker . people , springfield is now the only town in america that has snow this christmas . so tourists are going to want to come here . stay in our hotels . slurp our spaghetti . die in our hospitals . i say we welcome our winter tourists with open arms , then gouge the hell out of em . who . who will gouge with me . i , too , will gouge . duff beer is proud to make a corporate commitment to gouging . here come the tourists . man your atms . yar . why would a robot need mittens . why would a little boy need an aspirin . i dont know . the one thing bongo comics are good for . are you okay , chief . ill be fine , ill be fine . god , i bent down to pick up a piece of candy and rolled down a hill . you always think its the other guy thatll turn into a giant snowball . never you . have you seen lou . lou theres snow in my lungs . lot of attitude in that hand , lou . lot of attitude . look at all these out of license plates . first in freeways , the yuh huh state , jewel of the fracking belt . still a british colony at heart , land of many water snakes . valet parking , five dollars . oh people , im completely out of milk . i do have several dvds of the movie milk , an inspiring return to form for director gus van sant . uh , do you have life of pi . no , but i have some home movies of me on a canoe with a big dog . people who have never seen a movie say it is a good movie . mmm . we cant afford christmas . and when you cant afford christmas , youve failed as a family . thats what all the big stores say . excuse me , maam . im so sorry to bother you , but my kids are exhausted and the town is sold out . is there any chance youd have a spare room for us . well , theres a rec room off the kitchen , but sometimes its there and sometimes it isnt . our house is very odd that way . please . please , maam . wed pay you a night . well , you seem like a nice , pushy stranger . maam , because we talk this way , people always think that were , um uh , what is that word , honey . passive aggressive . right , but were not . please , take our money and everybody wins . hmm . oh , good . marge remarried after i died . wait a minute . im not dead . whats going on .  . these are our new boarders . uh uh . no way . im not sharing my bed with anybody except you . and maybe that guy . lincoln style . but thats it . this is a great thing . were helping people celebrate christmas , and well be able to afford christmas . oh , i dont know . it wont seem like christmas without opening up a giant credit card bill in january . take a look at this . homer what the . the simpson bed and breakfast . i always wanted to stay in a place like this . but christmas is a special time . and i like to spend it in the warm embrace of watching football . homer simpson , ask yourself , w . w . b . j . d .  . huh . what would baby jesus do . my baby she told me she dont want to hold me and kiss my lips anymore shes gonna leave me and she dont believe me that ill be true now well , maybe she dont love me and is not thinkin of me but whyd she do it this time of year . doo doo she knows that ill miss her and ill want to kiss her if just for christmas merry christmas well , this crazy scheme is the kind of impulsive behavior i want to encourage in you . mmm im in .  . oh , thank you . now , homie , table three needs more bread . im on a break . welcome to our day care center . all girls , please move to cootie quarantine . weve got a two month . are you sure you can handle her . just dont lose this claim ticket . that church doesnt look very inspiring . what a bland marquee . it doesnt look very inviting . this whole crowds gonna be at my sermon today . darling , did st . paul worry about the crowds . oh , he wrote letters . any fool can write letters . lord , im just a small town minister . we dont have mormon money . but if you could see your way to guiding my fingers as i type this sermon oh , yeah . oh , this is black church good . my friends when he starts with my friends , its always bad . friends , every year , i tell you this holiday is about the birth of our lord , not singing santas and full stockings . youre losing us . christmas is not about what happened in a manger some years ago . it is about what you do for others now . oh . get my the church bulletin . lovejoys on fire . christmas is the holy spirit . oh , i didnt know there were doves in there . give with your hearts . give with your acts . and you will know the true meaning of christmas . wow , what a showman . i havent felt this inspired since the blueberries at breakfast . daddy , permission for a religious fit . a brief one . i said a fit , not a fervor . that sermon really inspired me . this whole christmas has been about money . oh , are you with the salvation army . what makes you think that . bless you . but im gonna give gifts that arent expensive and come from the heart . i dont know . christmas didnt get to be the number one holiday by being about love . um , when a woman talks , she just wants to be heard . marge wheres the end . hey , marge , were running out of chestnuts over here . well , they dont grow on trees . uh , yeah , they do . oh . what about our romantic carriage ride through the snow . setting it up . i dont think youre giving them what they were promised , dad . the secret is dont read the comment cards . where do the people sit . i thought they were just gonna watch me . excuse me . this eggnog is terrible . all eggnog is terrible . those stockings are not hung by the chimney with care . why did i do this for money . why did i do this for money . and the christmas special on your television is one of the worst . announcer we now return to king winter feasts on his children . by the time princess summer comes to save you , youll all be blood in my beard . ho , . your own fathers beard . how long to see santa . how would i know . im an accountant . i imagine for small business , huh . god , i hate christmas . huh . mr . flanders , wheres your store . well , im down to a kiosk , thanks to that place . actually , half a kiosk . sharing it with nasreen here . no cream is finer than mall kiosk cream . j . lo use it . no , thanks . it is no wonder you are not married . flip me back . if i have to give presents , ill give presents with a purpose . one for maggie . check . all thats left is bart . no . no . no . no , ah , perfect . guests all from satans power as we were gone astray oh , tidings of comfort and joy in bethlehem , in israel this blessed babe was born enough . stop . christmas carols only have one verse . well , they may have more , but the second verse is where they get all weird and religiousy . uh , more wassail , please . and dont skimp on the aromatic bitters . for your information , gloria , my wassail is just gatorade i put in the microwave . i drank that under the mistletoe . its not mistletoe , just cherries and lettuce . oh . i thought when i ate it , wasnt poisonous . ive opened up my house to you and all you do is fill this joyous season with petty complaints . ho , . not now . take out that pillow and put it in room three . the pillow acted as a girdle . any more questions . uh , yes , will the pudding be figgy . the pudding will be jell o . quite so . im going to sulk in my room . the only thing good about this place is the piano player . an angelica button wizard robe . with wand pocket . and wand . professor digglesbys wand . now i have every wizarding stick from the spells and potions department of wagglepoofs academy . dont make me learn about it . i know this christmas has been a little rocky , even for the simpsons , but i think these gifts born of thought and love will restore the balance of prajna and samsara . i mean holly and jolly . now , dad , id like to give you your present . you got me weed . even better . theyre bags of seeds . so that you can plant a garden and watch it grow . thats great , sweetie . after all that time and hard work , ill have radishes .  . its the most hated part of salad , which is the most hated part of dinner . radishes , nothing but radishes . dad , stop . what . im saving them from the struggle of life . well , at least youre eating vegetables . vegetables .  . okay , bart , open your present . its the one im most excited about . plastic bubbling vomit , plastic bubbling vomit . what . lis , youre smart . why would you give me a book . cause its easy to wrap . nothing is easy to wrap . i have trouble with scissors . marge , the brochure promised us a happy christmas . my uncle died in your bed . merry christmas . what . n . c . wyeth . these are book illustrations . stop it . stop it . why in the world would you burn a book . actually , the idea to do this came from a book . fahrenheit by ray bradbury . what . no , i got it from this . milhouse see . how could you burn the present i gave you . because its my present . did you give it to me because you thought id like it or because you wanted to feel better about yourself . children , perhaps its time that i explain the true meaning of christmas . homer shut up , flanders . okily dokily . now , did you check the room to make sure you havent left anything . all set . need directions or a bottle of water . no , thanks . were fine . thank you , sir . oh , right , were still doing that . come on . ill drive you to the airport . where are my keys . oh , right in here . bart , you were right . if you smell your farts in a dream , you die . no , about christmas . so i went out this morning and i got you this . its a tablet with books on it , but also apps , like worms with friends . wow . but howd you afford it . i sold the gift you gave me . get the twist . obviously . youre saying its from maggie , but actually its from you . thanks , lis . now , why dont you donate that to whatever hopeless cause you want . thanks , bart . this will make a lot of arctic loons very happy . uh , listen , i just wanted to say im sorry i overreacted . thank you all for coming . yeah , well , we have something to say to you , marge . we wish you a merry christmas we wish you a merry christmas we wish you a merry christmas and a happy new year . good tidings we bring no second verses . they creep me out . okay , well sing a different one . good king wenceslas looked out on the feast of stephen oh , that one creeps me out from the beginning . when the snow lay round about deep and crisp and even oh , the happy sound of a blender . and fox broadcasting company shh . springfield . monday morning chit chat at the water cooler . the only reason to have done stuff over the weekend . the only part of the movie i didnt get is now radioactive man gets his powers from his suit . the suit is slowly killing him , but if he doesnt wear it , hell die . oh wait , you guys saw the new radioactive man sequel . uh , its not a sequel , its a reboot . actually , this one undoes the stuff from the last one , so its a de boot . stop talking . i havent seen it yet . radioactive man re rises came out three days ago . it is fair game . yeah , if you havent seen it , then you gotta leave the water cooler . but what if i want some cooled water . you should have thought of that when you were not seeing the movie . fine . ill drink alone . it was so awesome when radioactive man had to erase his own memory . yeah , so he wouldnt be tortured by his past when he was born in the future . oh , theyre talking about the movie . hurry up , you idiot . no , dont stop . im sorry i got mad . ill do that thing you like . i got radioactive mans new villain the collider . i turn out to be a good guy . i die , but come back to life after the credits . oh . sometimes we feel theres nowhere left to turn , much like radioactive man , when he had to kill his own antimatter twin with a blast of time particles from the chrono cube amazing grace how loud i sing and in doing so , mortally wounding to drown the spoilers out . his girlfriend , who was pregnant with his own shut up , shut up , shut and stay out . homer okay . i gotta go see the radioactive man movie before it gets totally ruined for me . oh , date night . ill go change my bra . i want to see radioactive man re rises . if barts going , im going . if grampas going , im going . if you all go , then i have to pay for a babysitter . well call that nice girl whos getting her masters in child development . emily beth . we cant afford emily beth . she brings her own puppets . bye bye, , maggie . bye bye, , money . two adults , two kids , and one senior with the mind of a baby so he should be free . for the show , thatll be . what .  . or , for ten dollars more , you can see it in imax hobbit frame rate virtual reality vision . all right , movie , you better be worth it . homer the motorcycle dudes are chicks . i wonder what else is chicks . dont ask . do smell . announcer also available in arctic slut , morning after melon and elon musk . hey they tricked us . thats a commercial . if i wanted to pay for commercials i cant skip , id sign up for hulu plus . shh . youre shushing me . this guys on his cell phone , shes texting , hes sexting , and that guy brought a baby to a movie . thats negative , man . what happened to the movies . first they got worse than tv , and now this . and stay out . chins up , homer . you dont need a theater to watch the movie . you just have to illegally download it . illegally download it . is that legal . who knows . but it sure is easy . ill walk you through it . all you have to do is announcer the fox network forbids the broadcast of step by instructions for illegally downloading copyrighted intellectual property . in the meantime , please enjoy this footage from nascars martinsville cup . wow , that was easy . all i had to do was click on and play . bless you , boy . that was the greatest thing ive seen on a computer that i can talk about with you in the room . how did you know how to do that . im under . guys , i saw the radioactive man movie . heres my ten favorite scenes from worst to best . number ten when whats his did that stuff with those dudes . number nine uh , homer , that movies been talked out . were discussing the new james bond flick . i like that james bond is ugly now . i like that he doesnt have any gadgets . i like that hes not good at shooting , doesnt say funny quips , or do any james bond stuff . shut up , shut up , shut up . homer , go to the theater and see the movie . theaters . all i need to see this movie is a laptop and a web site based in a country thats really just an offshore oil platform . care to join me . that was so much better than the cinema . it mixes the wonder of movie going with the rush of stealing . all we want is brand new, , big budget entertainment in our homes for nothin . why doesnt hollywood get that . gentlemen , i am inspired to create a theater for the people an experience free of all the nuisances and gouging of modern day moviegoing . yeah , no more jerks talking on their cell phones . no more jerks telling me not to talk on my cell phone . and best of all well never have to sit through another annoying commercial again . welcome to cinema pirate diso . tonights movie is life is funny , directed by judd apatow . its based on his life , starring his family and ad libbed by his friends . so for the next three and a half hours , enjoy . did you just pass gas while we were making love . youre the one who hired the korean taco truck for our private school fund raiser . i live it , he writes it . well , what did you think . we may be going to hell for seeing side bosom , but this backyard is a little slice of heaven , all thanks to homer simpson . this is fun . and it was so nice of the movie company to let you show their film . let me . uh , sweetheart , i downloaded it off the internet illegally . an illegal download . but hollywood says stealing from hollywood is wrong . why should a regular guy like me have to spend so studios can pay huge salaries to the air buds and ray liottas of the world . oh . when i watched that pirated movie , i was stealing with my eyes . so im repaying the good people in hollywood for the ticket i should have bought . now this money will end up in the hands of the talented people who make magic happen on the silver screen . ah karen , get me the fbi . karen . you people joined this squad for one reason to fight movie pirates . i wanted to catch serial killers . i wanted to catch serial killers . from now on , you will lay down your lives to protect americas chick flicks , buddy comedies and steady stream of animated misfires . sir , you have to see this . took it off the web watched for free never pay for a movie again . men , set your guns on kill . were going after homer simpson . i now present , direct from the computer of an angry editor at a special effects house , cosmic wars episode seven . my childhood has been un ruined . listen up , seat meat . you are all in violation of title of the u . s . copyright code . easy there , hotshot . all the people are doing is watching a movie . ow , . im not wearing an undershirt and my badge is poking into my skin . whats going on here . is there a fondler in the neighborhood . im here to arrest and hopefully stage the prison suicide of the mastermind of this operation  homer simpson . oh , mastermind . we got our man , thanks to a tip from a heroic american snitch . one of you turned me in . who was it . you . superintendent chalmers , you never forgave me for that time we wore the same hawaiian shirt to that luau . theyre gonna take dad . we gotta do something . im on it . copyrighted material . dont look at it . someone sell me a ticket . ear plugs in . blinders on . we trained for this . from now on , the only place youll be watching movies without having to buy a ticket is jail . oh baby , promise me youll find out who turned me in . its probably someone i would never suspect . never suspect . your moans of sympathy are all i have . oh homer whoever did this to me will be haunted by unbearable guilt forever . forever . what are you guys in for . bank robbery . drug trafficking . what about you . movie piracy . what .  . people in show business work hard to make those movies . my media stocks under performed because of people like you . my brother lost his job as a grip on a movie set because of piracy . he had to sell his jet ski . a grip without a jet ski aint no grip at all . youre about to find out what we do to copyright infringers . uh huh . huh . whoo hoo . its almost like having dad here . only with less growling when i go near his food . i just want to know who dropped the dime on dad . lousy rat . maybe the person that turned your father in thought they were doing the right thing . homer just pirated a movie . but its not the worst thing dad ever did . its not even the worst kind of pirate dads ever been . lisa , tell your brother that stealing is wrong , no matter what . i dont know . it wasnt like dad was stealing for himself . he created this wonderful experience for the whole town . i just cant imagine anyone turning him in . dad , youre back , youre back . hey . dad , youre back . dad . homer , what are you doing out of prison . you have to go back and give yourself up . i cant go back to jail . theres no shampoo , just soap . wait , i know one place in springfield that doesnt care about internet piracy laws . thanks for taking us in . our family always appreciates asylum . this consulate is like being on swedish soil . youre as safe here as you would be in the skatteskrapan . your country doesnt think illegally downloading movies is wrong . the people of sweden believe all movies should be shared freely . how is that not stealing . bah , your hollywood studios are the real thieves , claiming all their hit movies have lost money . i spit on their bookkeeping . yeah , and why dont they make a sequel to taken where the hangover guys get taken and the only ones that could rescue them is fast and furious . aw , man , i would love to pirate that . as would the proud people of sweden . theyve found us . theres only one surefire way to get fugitives out of a foreign building  blasting death metal . respecting the law , respecting the law copyright law , copyright law copyright law , copyright law you like this . oh oh, , swedes love death metal . it reminds us of death . damn those peace prize giving fish smokers . im so tired of being trapped in this embassy . consulate . consulates are regional offices , which serve the embassy in the capitol . thank you so much for sticking with me through all this . youre the greatest wife in the world . it was me . i was the one who told the fbi . you . how could you . youre my own flesh and blood . i was just trying to do the right thing . who wouldve thought the authorities would use a confession against me . have you forgotten what you promised at our wedding . to love and cherish . to aid and abet . i never wanted to say funny vows . well , you did . and they got laughs . solid laughs . i didnt mean for this to happen , but you were stealing . all i ever had was you looking out for me . i got nothing now . all rise in the matter of the people vs . homer simpson . the people call hollywood ultra producer, , judd apatow . homer simpson is an enemy of art . art created by writers , directors , and the guy who uses a computer to erase or enhance nipples . and not just the people who dream for a living , but the people who depend on us . the spin class instructors , the personal rabbis , seth rogen . its true , i need him . i saw a bootleg dvd of the year old virgin for sale at a car wash . they left off my directors commentary . it didnt even have a blooper reel . homer simpson , you have been found guilty of illegal reproduction and distribution of copyrighted material . before sentencing , do you have anything to say for yourself . no . homer , tell them your side of the story . i know i hurt you , but please trust me now . itll work . you know what , judge apatow . i do have something to say . these movie people may say im a pirate , but im just a man . a man who loved hollywood too much . so i made my own rules and fought the big guys who tried to destroy my way of life . he doesnt sound like a villain . he sounds like a classic underdog . hes the unlikeliest of heroes . but wheres the love story . at first my wife didnt believe in me . maybe we forgot why we fell in love in the first place . but when times seemed darkest , one minute ago , she was there and gave me the strength and courage to fight for what i believe in . hes a downloading david versus a greedy goliath . an erin brockovich but with more cleavage . two , three good lord , hes hitting all four quadrants . one family , against all odds , took on the system and lost . mr . simpson , id like to buy the rights to make a movie based on your true story . im attached as executive producer . attached . attached . one movie . we envision a trilogy . will smiths family wants to play your family . id be jaden . on behalf of hollywood , we are dropping all charges . these people hate my dad . how can they want to make a movie about him . hollywood may be run by big corporations trying to squash people , but they make movies about people standing up to big corporations trying to squash them and winning . ill sign with whoever can convince channing tatum to gain the most weight to play me . surprise . surprise . surprise . what the hell is all this . were so excited about your movie that were having a special screening . but the movie isnt in theaters till next week . yeah , we ripped a version off bootleg bay just like you taught us . its still got timecode on it , but , otherwise , its a clean copy . youre pirating my movie . the hell you are . piracy is stealing . youre taking money out of my familys mouths . but the movie is i its about you pirating movies . oh , thats hollywood fantasy . we live in the real world , where i have something called prof it par tic . thats negative , man . oh , homie now all of you go see my movie in the theater the day it opens . no bargain matinees . and tell your friends it was great . buy the stuff they advertise in the commercials before it . homer in the movie wears ask body spray and so should you . dont ask . do smell . homie , do you really think you should be up bup . what have we learned about not blindly supporting our husband . ask body spray . and fox broadcasting company but then when times seemed darkest , she was there she gave me the strength and courage to fight for what i believe in . on behalf of hollywood , were dropping all charges . so what do you think , lise . who are the good guys here , the media companies or the internet freedom guys . well , both groups claim their intentions are noble , but at the end of the day , theyre both trying to steal as much money as they can . so everyones a pirate . and the worst one of all is shh . springfield . narrator high above zenith city , radioactive man keeps a lonely vigil . radioactive man all seems quiet . maybe ill fly to china and get some takeout . a sky tweet from commissioner sweeney . this looks like a job for radioactiveman . leaping leptons . its the fossil fuel four . old king coal patroleus rex french femme fatale charcoal briquette and the enemy of drinking water everywhere , the fracker . stop attacking the nuclear plant  this countrys safest energy source . studies show , im americas best hope for energy independence . those studies were industry financed . you lie . holy hedrons . i need backup . calling citizen solar , and his sidekick wind lad . i believe you will find them lacking in energy . its too cloudy . people dont like the noise i make . ehhh petroleus rex , please remember when you used to be environmental scientist rex bernstein . i have become my destiny . ill crush you like a gnat , king coal . half life . quar ter life . eighth life . gone . frack cellent . they killed off radioactive man . i did not see that coming . die carumba . theyll just reboot radioactive man in an overpriced new origin issue and get clueless fanboys like you to line up at midnight to buy them . clueless fanboys in costume . milhouse wow . midnight . i wont know which day to write in my diary . homer . what . will you take me to buy a comic book tuesday at midnight . and miss the back half of jimmy kimmel . thats when he experiments , boy . you never watched an episode of jimmy kimmel in your life . yes , i have . after the oscars , when he forces you . quiet . quiet . and attention please , valued customers . you will each be allowed to enter the store , and buy one copy . swallow your gum , now . milton oh . oh . mr . book guy . can i go first . i was once cast to play fallout boy in a movie . tell it to harlan ellison . i think , you over privileged kids with your electronic tablets and your talking phones , wouldnt know a good piece of fiction if your ipod read it to your ass . i wish someone would have come from the future , and warned me not to talk to you . thats my idea . youre stealing my idea . sorry . c b . whats the happs , my man . well , . if it isnt milo , the owner of my main competitor , coolsville . or should i say , foolsville . that is some tasty cashish , my friend . indeed . and how did you spend your evening . um lets see . i wrote a lost fan fiction finale that also answers all the questions from twin peaks . reranked all the doctorwhos by puffiness of the hair . oh , and i also got married to my actual , non imaginary, , comic tolerating girlfriend , strawberry . now when milo talks to himself , it wont seem crazy . so , milo talks to himself . we will treasure that information . yes we will . now , if youll excuse me , im gonna share this primo origin ish with my bride . even the mintiest comic is just acidifying pulp , if you have no one to read it with , right . nerds dont get girls . these days they do , man . comic con is now eight percent women . strawberry burn . wrong . wro  where is he . come on , buddy , i gotta get home and climb into bed with my loving wife . oh , right . you have a loving wife . oh . marge and i get along perfect . were like george burns and john denver . oh , man . carrying these kids is hard on my back . oh . oh , yeah . and now to moes . look at him . look . hes got family friends . what do i have . oof . jimmy olsen vs . matter eater lad . hm . this is better than i remembered , actually . no . no it isnt . it its horrible . the only thing that could make this moment more cliched , is if i started to sing about my feelings . and here i go . ive always been happy to call myself single no mary jane or lois lane with whom id co mingle you could say that i was an unstackable pringle ive got originals signed by siegel and shuster but they dont satisfy in the way that they used ter it really dont matter if youve got a cap anson if you spend your nights in your underwear prancin with your cardboard stand of scarlett johansson . guess ive always been lonely but ive never revealed it dropped my heart into mylar and then vacuum sealed it . stan lee . or , is it my imagination . im your imagination . the real stan lees over there . excelsior . but listen , as comic book guys go , youre trim , friendly , and , quite a catch . but now your opportunity is knocking . huh .  . dont let it slip by . can you help me . i can only watch . i cannot interfere . new radioactive man number one , please . come on , nudnik . ask her out . youre interfering . hey , im years old . i can do what i want . um er stammer . eh c can i sign you up for our frequent buyers club . the just us league . you would be member number . i  am the first two . sure . i am kumiko nakamura from osaka . i am visiting americas saddest cities , as research for my autobiographical manga . volume six , springfield . land of angry tears . thats you . the man with sparkling eyes , and zigzag beard . you have seen me before . yes . through window . but you dont see me . youre either looking down in disgust , or up in disdain . i think you have great soul . would you permit me to go in the back , and do a brief inventory . she tolerates me . ah is it too soon to give you flowers in a hulk hand . it is the perfect time . hmm . bart . your comic vendors here . uh , actually , it is you that i am here to see . i , um , i need your help . i am getting ready for a date . the closest thing i have to a father is the obi wan doll in my store . and he comes from a race of celibate knights . so i will help you . as long as our bellies never touch again like they are right now . both ew . marge oh . why pick me . because you are the only fat man in real life who ever got a hot woman . hey . oh well , come in . ill explain how it all works . okay . it helps if shes got a mother shes trying to get back at . marge aw no woman will be able to resist you , dressed like this . now , remember , dont be the way you normally are and sustain that for the rest of your life . kumiko , uh , meet my dear friends uh , homer and marge simpson . i in my country , it is a tradition to bring a much older couple on a first date . it is not in any way , weird , or or sad . does anyone tell you that you look like the man on a box of mr . sparkle . aka ni taishte burei da . yogore o yaburu . in japan , drinking your detergent is a popular method of suicide . honki da yo .  . kumiko , for you , we chose the coolest restaurant in town . but the walls are covered with garbage . marge oh not garbage , americana . heres some more americana , that bubbled up in the swamp . here you go your all american fifty state potato skin sampler . okay wisconsin , cheddar . maryland , blue crab . theyre neither in alphabetical , nor geographical order . what what madness is this . please , sir . ask your questions after all tates . i cannot hide the snide inside . oh . i dont mind . if you think its stupid , say its stupid . really . in japan , no one ever says what they think . we know our game shows are degrading and our baseball fences are too close . but no one says anything . attention , restaurateurs . you shouldve spent less on the kitsch , and more on the kitch en . with this bowl of chucks cherokee salsa , i baptize you mediocre , at best . american nerd snark is the finest in the world . lets go walking and mocking in the rain . im in love . and , yet , still a little bitter . its surprising . jim jam bonks father , why sa you sa forsake a me sa . marge , homer , you have nurtured our love like steven speilberg nurtured the careers of zemeckis and gale . oh so , we want you to know , i have decided to move in to the basement under his store . at last , well be in the same bed . just like batman and robin . homer ohh . marge hmm homer , i want you to take kumiko and comic book guy a housewarming present , and maybe check in on them . we talked about this , marge . the hammock is a chore free zone . apparently , including tying the knots on the hammock . and getting the termites out of the trees . not a word . excuse me , sir . i am looking for my daughter . i thought this was her residence , but all i see is a store full of , uh , non pornographic manga . youre kumikos father . welcome , sensei . i am not a kung fu instructor . i am a humble salary man who could kick your ass . say , has anyone told you look like  i know . mr . sparkle . i was going to say , like youre going to have a stroke . i get that a lot too . now , please , where is my daughter . okay . she moved in with her boyfriend . well , hes not a boy . hes immature . but , fat and old . so , an obese nerd has stolen my daughter to live in his basement . i didnt tell you about the basement . it was an obvious guess . daughter . you are coming back to japan . there are old people who need you to take care of them . no . please . i was becoming cuddly . i deleted rants from my blog . you can retrieve rants if you did not empty your trash . goodbye . now i know ive got a heart because its breaking . wizard of oz reference . did i do that . urkle reference . help me . fire reference . i cant stop . i cant stop . homer simpson , this was your doing . and i want you to fix it . i have a bad feeling about this . every action movie ever made reference . now . yeah , homer . we have much in common . we both love our daughters , and discipline our sons . no discipline would imply , im trying to make him better . so are you married . my dear michiko has passed away . but shes always with me . you promise double suicide . you hear what you want to hear . always with me . another drink . something stronger . bartender snake rice wine . now , thats disgusting . wine made of rice . try some . hai . mr . nakamura drunkenly laughs why didnt i stop with the snake wine . why did i drink the fish wine . that was the aquarium . you didnt see nothin . scram . uh . i am ruined by whimsy . milhouses voice the good thing is , soon ill be a beautiful swan . aw whats going on here . bart lisa well explain it . the rice wine has penetrated to the essence of your souls . yeah , listen to my tail . youre the tail . no youre the tail . dad . barts feet are on my half of the shell . why , you slimey little  ow . oh . hey , that actually feels good . oh , yeah . more . a little bit more . right there . oh , yeah . oh , yeah . thats the stuff . enough nonsense . i came here for my daughter . i i am a golden bird and i love the comic nerd of this , i wont be cured papa san, , . the monster is me . who da thunk it . homer , drinking that snake wine , and going to white castle afterwards , really opened my eyes . mr . nakamura , i have used my hitherto unmentioned chemical engineering degree to get a real job at the springfield phosphate works . theyre giant polluters . but the ceo is a woman . its very vexing . now , have i proven myself worthy of your daughter . no . please , take your time . you were worthy . the way you were . i  was . but i rented the store . i ebayed my stool . cancel the sale . but then my seller rating will go down stop being nerd . yes , papa san . geekly beloved , we are gathered here in the eyes of me , king of the cameos , stan lee . to celebrate the wedding of , comic book guy , and kumiko nakamura . does anyone wish to offer any thoughts , on this blessed occasion . yes . i i would like to say something . um , since i met kumiko , strangely , comic books no longer seem so important . i will also be selling greeting cards . and , every day , i will give one to kumiko in commemoration of today , with the salutation , best day ever . ghost wife , are you happy . kind of . milhouse how long am i gonna stay this way . as long as we keep drinkin this . dolph give us your eggs . im a boy . kearney we said eggs . yes . and fox broadcasting company shh . springfield . announcer welcome to super bowl xlviii between the seattle seahawks and the denver broncos . the field is a frozen tundra , imported at great expense from alaska . hmm . hmm .  . huh . oh . whoo hoo . announcer and the game comes down to this one play  a final field goal . the kick is up , it hits the crossbar and  homer doh . glowing rods , glowing rods its making me weak and dizzy uh , rumor has it theyre about to give out the company christmas gifts . who told you that . i got an in . the vp of personnel is doing my girlfriend . oh , look at you , mr . connected . i hope its better than last years lousy gift . carl yeah , what a rip . ugh . remember this gift . the executive stress ball . burns voice one more squeeze and youre fired . now i feel more stressed than ever . gah . burns voice excellent . excellent . excellent . uh , you dont look so excellent to me . ho , humbug . santa claus approaches to judge and punish . wow . a good gift for once . oogle goggles . augmented reality glasses . you wear them like eyeglasses , but inside the lens , you see information about the people and places around you . oh , finally im not a slave to my stupid human eyeballs . homer oh . whoa . glasses , call lenny . oh , im getting a call . answer call . hello . lenny , its me , homer . hm . i always thought it was simp sen . really . dont you ever look up at the sky . always wondered what that was . sir , im concerned about your sudden generosity . the doctor said to bring you in right away if you display kindness or warmth . oh , dont worry . this santa still has claws . as of now , each of those nuclear nitwits is wearing a video camera . with a direct feed to me . youre spying on them . smithers , how much did this company lose to office supply theft last year .  . yes , well , no more of that . thanks to this million surveillance system . beware , rabbits . i spy with my transplanted eyes . oh , and i forgot to show you the best feature . each of these buttons represents an employee . when i press it , he or she dies . whats wrong with this thing . now , remember kids , the school says you must have a valentine card for everyone in your class . how does this mean anything when everyones forced to do it . what did i say about pointing out the meaninglessness of things . not to . well , no way im giving a valentine to nelson . hes a bully , and i do not love him . jesus says to love your enemies . thats because jesus knows one day , he gets to look his enemies in the eye and say it was me who sent you to hell . bart , your school requires you to give everyone a valentine card in an envelope with a fun sticker . your teacher put out an e mail alert . with a video attachment . man welcome to firstline . tonight , valentines day always a massacre . at this school , children may give valentines to whomever they choose . danny is unpopular , due to rumors he sleeps in the raw with his ma and his pa . human young are born with the ability to count valentines , and danny realizes hes been snubbed . past generations of children were used to rejection . but todays kids , raised in a climate of video games and instant messaging , are fragile weirdos . lyman on february am , after checking the mailbox one last time , danny nearly died from an overdose of little candy hearts . many of historys monsters never received a valentine . attila the hunmao , tse tung, , and me , will lyman . this is firstline . fine , nelson gets a valentine . an old one from the box . perfect . bad movie , bad pun , even bad paper stock . whats so funny . im watching videos of idiots wearing these glasses and not paying attention to the world around them . look at these jerks . ow . i dont understand whats so great about these state of the art , solar powered, , computo glasses . ill let you try them on , right after i decide if these videos are funny or die . funny , die , funny , but the guy died . oh . now , a simple sunday drive will reveal the hidden wonders of our hometown . hmm whoo hoo . doh . springfield city hall was built for the spencer tracy movie meet me at city hall . it was just a flat wall with nothing behind it for years . dad , barts on my side of the seat . dad , lisas my little sister . the rearview mirror was invented in for just this reason . interesting . when was the term shut up invented . as early as shut up was used to shut up homie , i think the kids are just hungry . glasses , direct me to the nicest restaurant i can afford . female electronic voice accessing soup kitchens . what , you oh , thats it , im taking you off . aah . reality . jeremy oh . sorry , sir . okay , lets see what we got here . ugh , oh . oh . eh . marge oh . homer mm hmm . squeeze here . rotate there . pause for sweet talk . oh , glasses , youre so wonderful . huh . a are you using your glasses for snuggling . but the avatar looks just like you . im afraid wives dont make passes at husbands in those glasses . glasses , find me a great gift for my wife . under five dollars . marge i heard that . glasses , take me two minutes back in time . oh marge . mm . about the glasses . mm . im really sorry , and mm , . heres your breakfast . only five pancakes . youre trying to kill me . well , im not happy with you . look , honey , i know these glasses are a radical new technology and should be worn in moderation . isnt that right , glasses . female electronic voice yes , just like i told you . anyway , im giving them up . to whoever dares take them . yoink . aw , come on , mom . for once , im grabbing the goody . so the rumors are true . moms can want things . hmm . hmm nicely done , lewis . a transformer that transforms into a heart . i love it . mm . this hersheys kiss is melted . not good . my mom left it on the dashboard . my mom . ill have yours now , simpson . in gahoole , we would break his frickin knees . no . no valentine for you , nelson . excuse me . ill give a valentine to a loser , ill give a valentine to a dork , ill even give a valentine to a girl , but i wont give a valentine to a bully . heres whats gonna happen . you have one week to make me the best valentine any kid ever got . and what if i dont . simpson , theres gonna be a heart in my hand , either paper or yours . hey , everybody . thats strange . i im hearing a voice , but im not seeing a user icon . carl , its me . im here . really here . hey , homer . a lot of information about you . let me just page through it . oh . stop . hey . what . oh , no one can live in a non augmented reality . i need another pair of glasses . charlie , your move in muppet chess . gonzo to fozzie seven . aw . thats kermit mate . wocka . oh , why is it the recipe card you need is always the one homer writes his cocktail ideas on . maybe these bleep bloop glasses can help . okay , marge simpson entering the matrix , for a brownie recipe . female electronic voice here are my top rated recipes . oh . so many choices , maggie . homer um , mr . burns , sir . can i get another pair of glasses . maybe two pair . one for the beach house . can i also get a beach house . two beach houses . huh . monitors .  . what the . burns gave us those glasses so he could spy on us . this is a violation of our human rights . okay , so lets see what we can see . solitaire , top hats on ebay , angry birds fan fiction , guy doing really easy crossword puzzle , lenny doing carls clown makeup someones actually working . maggie .  . whos mommys little girl . genealogy . org says you are . you are . aw wait a minute . since marge is wearing my glasses , i can see everything she sees . uh uh, , i shouldnt watch this . marge such a good baby . you deserve some ice cream . wait a minute  marge said we were out of ice cream . oh . oh . what else is marge hiding from me . marge maggie , hes here . oh , is she having an affair . thanks for asking me to lunch . oh , why isnt she having an affair .  . what about a valentine that says bully , for you . hmm , interesting . interesting means no . interesting means no . milhouse , youre a genius . i am . what did i say . oh , nothing . on tv when a guy says something lame , another guy says hes a genius , and then he has an idea . i thought it might work for me . well , you called me a genius . that means a lot . oh , i hate this stupid holiday . the only thing you can do is screw it up . thats it . bart , youre a genius . well , if you keep throwing the word around , it means nothing . who are you . mr . burns . oh . im so sorry , mr . burns . i wont bother you again . homer marge , thats a compact only space . well who knew you were such a rebel . now lets learn more about my wifes secret life . secrets which can only be good . hi , marge . dr . carlock is ready for you . marge thank you . so , marge , how have you been . marge okay , i guess . marge is in therapy .  . marge oh , i hate when i come here and the first word out of my mouth is homer . but here we go , again . homer was converting our dollars to yu ros . not the money , the sandwich . and has there been any improvement in homers drinking . marge well , hes down to two beers in the shower . theyre pale ales . please . well , maybe if you just concentrate on one problem , like his temper . marge oh , everything in the newspaper makes him mad . not marmaduke . never marmaduke . marmaduke was horrible today . also , marge is in therapy , and she didnt even tell me . whoa . she has crossed a line . how did you find out . spied on her with a hidden camera . she thinks im selfish . she thinks i dont spend enough time with the kids . well , thats crazy . come on . you work your butt off in a radioactive hellhole , and what do you get . not one lousy superpower . i guess the only choice is to come clean with her and tell her what i know , and how i know . whoa , . bad idea . no , . chicks do not like finding out theyre being spied on . i speak from loooooong . experience . no , you got to make it seem like you found out by accident there . um oh . next week you schedule an appointment with the therapist after hers , and then you bump into midge in the waiting room there . moe , thats great . how do you get your ideas . pretty much all my friends are divorced guys . hello , homie . dinners almost ready . pork chops with my secret seasoning . yeah , you do like your secrets , dont you , marge . dont lose your cool , homer . the building block of a marriage is long silence . hey , whered she go . good , you held your tongue there . because  hey , whered you go . doesnt anybody want me to give em advice . okay there , fido , when you see that squirrel outside , at first you play it cool , you understand . i fear you . this is what valentines day means to you .  . this is what it means to everyone . how can you be forced to say i love you . people only give valentines because theyre scared of what would happen if they didnt . nelson , you frighten me so , the psycho est bully i know , youre a sociopath in need of a bath , im sure youll wind up on death row . mmm . you can really smell the fear on this . i rubbed it on milhouse . simpson , you just touched my hearts butt . why are you hugging yourself . why are you hugging yourself .  . if nelson doesnt do something bully ish in two seconds , im gonna wedgie him . nelson doesnt wear underwear . wow . always one step ahead . uh , im here to check in for the . please fill out these forms , mr . fakinami . no , its fake name . ill just call you elias . thats alias . duh . hm . homer finally . time for the big bump into . same time next week , marge . oh , absolutely . these sessions keep me on an even keel . dr . carlock is like my wednesday reset button . homer wednesday . okay , shes always in a good mood after therapy . oh , my god . marge needs this . it lights her way through the dark path of marriage to me . come on in , mr . fakinami . no need . everythings fine . im sorry , but there are no cancellations within hours . well , as long as im paying for the time ow . whered you learn to cut hair . you know , you have some anger issues . more snip , less lip . oh , i forgot to tell you , homie , i bumped into helen lovejoy today , and guess what . i dont need to know , marge . you deserve to have your secrets . its not a secret . its a funny story . okay , marge , but first , well i have something i need to tell you . something i did you might be mad about , and rightly so . oh , i bet my storys more interesting . whoo hoo . i tried . okay . okay , so , helen lovejoy told me that she made her famous snickerdoodle bundt cake for the church sale , and she put in salt instead of sugar . yeah . and . thats it . that was the story . wheres that cake now . it got sold . who bought it . dr . hibbert . excuse me . i have to make a call . dont take too long . okay , hibberts in surgery , but theyre having him paged . wait , somethings wrong . thats better . oh , dear god . hi , ralph . um , i just wanted to tell you , there was a tooth in the valentine you gave me . plant it and youll grow a new ralph . i dont need a new ralph . i like the old one . happy valentines day . well , better get ready for st . patricks . and fox broadcasting company shh . springfield . marge doh . stupid fuse . mmm . maggie . maggie . maggie . maggie . mmm . mmm . hmm maggie . maggie . hmm . hey . maggie . and its for all these reasons and more that the kingdom of moab is the least interesting in the bible . amen . amen . were done . allow me to introduce our guest speaker from the ill advised mission in indonesia , the reverend kartawijaya . i know how you feel , young man . huh . the children in my village are just like you . one boy , named sumadi , never comes to church . he is always tying the monkeys tails together and yelling , tiger is gone , when , in fact , tiger is there . hmm . unfortunately , sumadi is sick now . what .  . su sumadi has a problem . sumadi and others equally doe eyed need urgent medical treatment . after all , we are all just children of allah . i mean god . sorry . recent convert . poor sumadi . born in such a terrible country . now , wait a minute . but good news . to help him , we will now have a second collection . wasnt our sympathetic nodding enough . mom , can i have some money . im sorry , honey . im all out . i spent all i had lighting that candle for great aunt betty . i hope that wasnt somebodys aunt betty or something . dad , please . for sumadi . sorry , son , i only have s . and if god needs money , why doesnt he just write another bible . the first one sold pretty well . does anyone remember when it was considered rude to talk in church . pipe down , ned . please . all right , son , but you have to pay me back . life is good . do you have my money . what . do you have my money . how could i . right , too soon . do you have my money . seriously , do you have my money . wheres my money . huh . wheres my money . wheres my mon ey . its been a rough patch , man . hope you got something to cheer me up . well , there is one fun fact ive been saving for an emergency situation . did you know there really was a duncan hines . wheres my money . do you have my money . where is it . you know , if you had the money , im right here . do you have the money . money money homer , quit badgering the boy . pressures how you make your beloved diamonds , marge . i dont have any diamonds . quit pressuring me . money , . i need money . would you eat anything for money . i guess . who are you . school play . damn yankees . children of the playground . i will eat anything for money . except money . ill give you a quarter if you eat my gum . ill give you another if you eat mine . heres some orthodontic wax . and some cinnamon . saint johns . and heres something thatll make you forget about the other stuff . bart ay caramba . so , what else you got . all right , simpson . messed up enough to eat this . no , bart , no . do it , and youll always be known as the kid who ate the dead frog . wheres my money . get my money . money money . easiest money i ever son , by rights , i should be playing banjo at your funeral . that frog was filled to the gills with formaldehyde , a highly toxic poison . heres your money , dad . what . did you owe me some money . and , homer , heres your bill for . doh . wheres my money . you got my money . wheres my money . seriously , wheres my money . ew . its the kid who ate the dead frog . herbivore . thats someone who eats plants . i named the frog herb . even you wont sit with me . bart , if you sit here , ill be the boy who sat next to the boy who ate the frog . and im already the boy who shared a comb with a boy who threw up on the boy who wet his pants at the winter carnival . p . s . i wouldve given you the money . whats the matter , frog in your throat . youre the ones that paid me to eat it . all we hear is ribbit , . you said this was a simple bullying job . diggs and freedom at your service . diggs is short for digby . thanks . im the kid that ate the frog . oh , so youre the reason i had to dissect a muppet in biology today . thanks for the help , man . oh , youre welcome . at least for me . theres no way to say what the bird thinks . or even if he thinks , really . wait , . who the hell are you . i transferred here a few months ago . to this school . on purpose . even after springfield montessori opened across the street . that place is really in your face . i like the lack of attention . especially in here . this school has a falconry club . no way . i resuscitated it . im president , secretary treasurer and faculty advisor . that took a lot of fancy paperwork . but it was worth it to be left alone . can i join . hmm . ill have to check with freedom . habemus papam . we have a poop . its white . youre in . looks like the falconry clubs back from the dead . can the esperanto society be far behind . i mean cu la esperanto societo esti multe malantau . two languages , and somehow no one will talk to you . gi estas vera . mi tre soleca . loser . the first thing to learn about falcons is how beautiful they are in flight . dont fret . hell be back . theres my sky gramma . barts usually first in line for taco night , but now hes muy tarde . oh , is it all right to say tarde . mmm , hey , youve said it twice , marge  youre in pretty deep . homer . ten minutes rules . lisa . what . a rules a rule . there he is . ah , he is just riding that thermal . you were right about watching him fly . i thought youd get it . seat backs and tray tables , bart . were coming in for a landing . wow , you dont know how impressive that is to a boy whose dad cant even get the dog to sit . sit . sit . sit . sit . i dont know what that is , but its not sitting . where could bart be . i saw him heading across the field after school with a kid a little bit older and undoubtedly wiser . oh , i know what that means . there comes a time when a boy sneaks his first beer . finally . i was beginning to think that kid was a teetotaler . bart simpson , at your service . more like at your six pack, , am i right . its okay if you need to take a little nap . why would i want a nap . because youre so drunk you can barely keep it together . i wasnt drinking . i was learning that nature isnt a complete waste of space . that doesnt sound like you . but it does sound like the kind of lie youd make up after the first time you got blitzed . i met this kid . a little older , kind of strange . i dont think other people get him . but i just want to hang out with him all the time . its even better than i thought . youve found your moe szyslak . in just a few short years , youll be getting your version of baked on your version of pot listening to your version of journey . wha . whats he doing . now , when he lands , youll feed him so he has positive associations with you . dont worry , hes only bitten off one of my fingers . just goofing on you . this is the finger he bit off . if he starts to carry you off , slip out of the glove . now tell him to fly . fly . fly . come on , man . do the wing thing . i did it . he did it . we did it . yes , bart , that is how you conjugate the verb to do . well done . come saturday morning doh . im going away with my friend well saturday spend till the end of the day hey . bring back my bling . just i and my friend well travel for miles in our saturday smiles give that back . all i got is a hole in my face . uncle krustys back . whoa . did you teach him to do that . nobody could communicate that . except maybe gerard manley hopkins . i caught this morning mornings minion kingdom of daylights dauphin , dapple dawn falcon , in his riding of the rolling level underneath him steady air , and striding high there , how he rung upon the rein of a wimpling wing . wow . ive already eaten . hey , you want to see something really cool . is a falcons training leash called a creance . yes . say something so ill know youre not hurt . im really hurt . phew . bartholomew . good to see you , old sport . wheres freedom . well , my dad said dont bring home any more dogs , cats , turtles or snakes , but he never said anything about predatory birds . okay , in your terms , points are like mice dont interrupt . i just thought it would be nice if we shared an interest . oh grampa you korean girls know what a soldier likes . fine . but the game is much more enjoyable if you understand it . look , the eagles and the falcons . tell me youre not interested in that . i could fly , too , if i didnt have a wife and three kids . hey , youve had a lot of visitors . no , i signed them myself . theyre people i wouldve liked to come visit . bart ay , caramba . listen , what happened in that tree . um , you want the truth . of course you do . youre like diogenes . but with slingshot in place of lamp . i wanted to fly . i know it sounds a little crazy now , but i suddenly thought maybe we can all fly , but somehow weve forgotten that we can . you dont still think that , do you . hey , im not flying anywhere with this broken wing . bart , heres another doctor that would like a few words with this young man . this hospital has another doctor . so theyre transferring him to another hospital . well , i hope he gets out soon and takes his bird back . i dont care for how it circles the cat . hes just riding the thermals from dads butt . at least someone in this family is using them . i never heard of this new hospital , so i looked it up and printed it out . oh . can i visit him tomorrow . i dont know , bart . this is one of those arkham asylum type hospitals . diggs isnt cuckoo . uh , listen , boy . maybe you should spend more time with your old best friend . you know , dweebler . milhouse abandoned me . so , why cant i go there . bart , if this is what i think it is , its not a place we should ever , take a little boy . then why is diggs there . because its his home forever . you know , bart , just because diggs is a little different doesnt mean hes not a good person . what would you know about friends like diggs . i have about eight of them . so , how do we fix him . oh , bart . diggss problems dont have easy fixes . what kind of cheer up talk is this . well , sometimes it helps to know people feel for you . want a hug . you hug the bedpost . then i hug the bedpost . that way we never hug each other . come saturday morning im going away hey , simpson . i heard bird boy got a new cage . one with rubber bars . yeah , and a rubber perch . yeah , and a i get it . it sucks . really sucks . rubber birdfeeder . making fun of the mentally ill  real classy . but you guys were we were what , captain sensitive . the rumors of my bonkertude have been greatly exaggerated . dsm  indicates paranoid schizophrenia , but that work is mired in controversy . mired . i knew youd escape . were you carried out by a flock of falcons . i got a one day pass . were falcons involved in any way . i obtained the pass to enter the springfield falconry contest , which is what freedom and i were training for when we first met you . oh , great . before anything else , let me just get closer to the door and say , how crazy are you . im fine . my meds wont wear off till tonight . then ill have freedom tear you to shreds . no offense , but when a crazy guy pretends to be crazy , its not funny . youre discounting all talk radio . excellent . comic book guy fly , my pet , fly . yes . yes , now back to papa . yes . why am i not surprised the only sport you do is one where a bird brings you food . um , a falcons greatest joy is to serve its master . fatso . once again , i must point out that you are not a parrot . fatso , . pees in the shower . shut up . what are you doing . were up next . when freedom hits the air , you and i open all the cages . um with our minds . no . with this rope . im a messed up kid . im not magneto . announcer diggs and freedom . in his ecstasy . then off , forth on swing . wheres my bird going . wherever he wants . hes free now . if you see the stork what brings us babies , kill it . now , bart , im afraid one day passes dont last forever . and im probably not going to get another one for quite a while . wait . wh when will i see you . you cant quit the falconry club . its all yours , mr . president . well , i guess some delicate birds are safer in a cage . i had thought of it as a therapeutic milieu , but now cage is stuck in my head , so thanks . and thanks for being my friend . bart , when i pushed you away , i was really pushing away the thought of losing you . how long did it take you to think that up . two hours with the therapist . ill take that . she came in on a saturday . missed her kids karate demonstration . he was going up a belt . enough . mom , you didnt cook the falcon . of course not . its just duck . aw . aw . pass the peas , please . and fox broadcasting company shh . springfield . narrator neptune  eighth planet from the sun . a mystery now , we hope to have close up photos from voyager in . we do have them . theyre my home screen . miss hoover , once again , the lesson plan i prepared would have covered this topic much better . but i can see miss hoover . its tuesday , lisa . taco tuesday . huh . huh . all taco tuesday . taco tuesday . taco tuesday . taco tuesday , taco tuesday oh , no . im about to become another moppin statistic . theres only room for one of us , ethel . bart , thats your sixth taco . you know , whitman says , if anything is sacred , the human body is sacred . fascinating . congratulations , boys . you made it through another taco tuesday . back in the bucket till next week . wont those vegetables go bad . nope . theyre genetically modified to stay fresh . just dont ask how old the jell o is . lisa ew . overreactor . org warns that over half of the vegetables sold in this country are genetically modified organisms whose effect on humans is unknown . whoa . mom , you made me overswipe . your parents credit card has been charged . i have to get to the church . helen lovejoy is posting the spring volunteer sign up sheet . in five minutes , every good task will be taken . dang it . jasper beardley . youll never make it . no . oh oh . jasper what the hell is this thing . bake sale  taken . candle snuffing  taken . baby shusher , miscellaneous choir support . everythings taken . all thats left is teen abstinence counseling . you get to pass out abstinence pledges and make sure the kids sign their john han bleeps . but , ned , saying nay is your thing . not this month . edna signed us up for a tango class . it was the only way i could avert wine tasting . look , im really not comfortable talking about s e with k i . language . oh , its not that hard . just tell them that god wants them to ignore everything in their bodies that god is making happen . we took the pledge . we wont have sex until were married . to each other . mm , their skipping lessons are really paying off . marge hello . hello . im im marge simpson , and im here to talk about a wonderful , beautiful thing . speaking of beautiful things , tongue me , babe . how many of you are here for the free cookies . because weve discontinued that . im out of here . forget you . one of our brightest and most meddlesome students called this meeting  somehow  to discuss an urgent menu matter . lisa . our school cafeteria is serving gmos  genetically modified organisms . now , in order to thoroughly explore the issue , id like to play the first video that came up in my web browser when i typed in gmo plus danger plus question mark . hear , . male narrator if theres one thing scientists love , its money . money , . and thats been true of scientists ever since caveman times . we need look no further back than the ancient mayans , who crossbred plants and animals in an unholy experiment in what is now a resort that charges a night to valet park . once youre there , theyve gotcha . the mayans didnt listen to themselves . yet today , we toy with our fate by using retroviruses to create these so called super foods . are we doomed to repeat an event that destroyed all human life . the answer is in your mouth . um , that video seemed a little unscientific . my name is jenny mccarthy , and i endorse this tirade . oh , my god , its worse than i thought . everybody wait here while i do some actual research . nobody form any opinions while im gone . well , hurry , we have no minds of our own . i say we do not categorically ban genetically modified organisms . all what .  . well , gmos are resistant to pests , disease and drought . its just possible that gmos can actually end world hunger . i say , lets get these gmos inside our children pronto . way ahead of you . im eating the food of the future . beep , boop . what is love . boop , beep , boop . lisa , id like to thank you for mollifying these land apes . wed like you and your family to visit us at the monsarno research campus . oh , campus . do you have a statue of the founder i can stick a funny hat on . go , . woman simpsons , were trying to change the world one molecule at a time . sounds like that would take a while . oh , youre right . everyone , three molecules at a time . oh , you got to be kidding me . ill be home late , honey . yeah . three molecules now . well , its nice to see for once a corporation that does good work and cares about people . yes , lisa , we finally put to bed the silly notion that our company is in any way evil . now , say hello to our chief scientist . simpsons sideshow bob . dr . sideshow bob . real doctor or phd . phd . all right , ill leave you and bob in this locked room to get reacquainted . simpsons , theres no need for alarm . thats not for you to suck . now where was i . right . uh , no need to worry . im still technically shawshanking it at springfield penitentiary . this is getting boring . either murder us or tell us how you got here . very well . the inanity of the vanity license plate puns was slowly driving me mad . so when monsarno labs asked for experimental subjects , i gladly volunteered . my job was to make sure the experiments wouldnt be too painful for the test monkeys . i dont know what were doing here . uh , well pick it up after lunch . i wrote up my results and went from subject to scientist . bart look at me . im sideshow bob . sideshow bob . foolish boy . thats phosphoric acid . a mere sip would have dissolved a hole in your stomach the size of a silver dollar . yakety , yak . the spotted hawk accuses me , he complains of my gab . i too am not a bit tamed , i too am untranslatable . walt whitman . leaves of grass . very good . lisa , you always were the one rose petal floating atop the cesspool that is the simpsons . homer well . bart thats mean . oh if youre done , our chief scientist has to get back to work . our corn on the cob has become self aware . wait . wait . wont you visit me again . let me show you i really am trying to make a better world . lisa , we can talk walt whitman . and , homer , i think youd enjoy the company of the campus lazy , overfed squirrels . overfed . i dont know this word . visit me , lisa . we can discuss poetry , fine art , and if we must , jazz . mom , can i visit sideshow bob . why would you want to do that . hes tried to kill us . you . he tried to kill you . and i refuse to concede a mind that thinks so much like mine can be all bad . dont you think the parts that arent evil are a little , mm pretentious . absolutely . were talking about lisa , right . shut up . you shut up . this is the pinnacle of conversation around here . fine , ill take you . they have this cool psych class at the campus i sat in on . uh , that was a sexual harassment seminar . it doesnt matter  im taking it pass fail . blowing off steam in the crafts room , marge . no . im not giving up on reaching those kids , and i might just have a secret weapon . mm hmm . is it finger puppets . marge maybe . well , we havent had finger puppets in this church since reverend brogan was arrested . but i suppose enough time has passed . and thats why nancy no is the most popular girl in promiseville high . mm . i prefer the modern thinking of yolanda yes . and i think id have a shot with mabel maybe . im so tired of those kids sniggering . marge uh oh . its horndog hank . well , nancy knows how to keep him away . darn it , theyre stuck . um , can i take one of those girl puppets home . i wont do nothin to it . marge oh . you say modified tomato i say modified tomahto i say engineered potato , you say engineered potahto potato . potahto . tomato . tomahto . both lets splice some dna . that is my first non evil laugh in years . bob , theres one thing i got to know . are you plotting revenge . i dont plot revenge anymore . its like love . if it happens , it happens . now , how about those smores . dad . you already ate all the chocolate bars . thats why i got to get the marshmallows down fast . i like how they cut them down from characters to a more manageable oh , another seminar tomorrow . i just wish i could connect with those teenagers , since it seems like well never have any . oh , marge , teens cant control their urges . its why theres never been a teenage president . are you saying im wasting my time . no . im saying youre wasting everyones time . but its a church thing , so thats a given . oh . well , then maybe i need to give those kids a better example . good night . marge shut your eyes . theyre too bright . homer sorry . kids , today , we have a very special guest  my husband . i brought homer here to show that we can , and have , abstained for two whole days . two days . thats all . that means , three days ago , the two of you made the blob with two backs . listen , you punks , if you cant handle the image of our naked bodies in the tender act of a oo , you should never have come to the basement of this holy place . ugh . hes touching her . theyre practically doin it here . ugh . ill sign the pledge . just get your fat heaving buttocks out of my head . never . all right , bob , youve created patents , so one hour of freedom . but remember , your every move will be watched by these unarmed docents . that blocks gonna need its own ticket . i have a family membership . well , if thats your kid , kiss it . mmm . what next . proto cubists . the pointillists . or the alleged art of itchy and scratchy . oh , i like the impressionists . the boy bands of the art world . but for you , lisa , i shall face the renoir with sangfroid . warmer . calder . warmer . warmer . calder . calder . calder . thats using your m . f . a . to the calder mobile . ugh . bob , you saved me . but how did you get the strength . calders work in this period was marked by heavy use of sheet metal painted to look deceptively airy . well put . thank you . answer the question . well there is something i should have told you . you see , it occurred to me that if i can genetically modify fruits and vegetables , why cant i modify me .  . youve been changing your dna .  . well , at first , just a peptide here and there . carrot for my presbyopia , brahma bull for strength , and a touch of corn for highlights on my hair . so how strong are you . figurines . get your porcelain figurines . now , how about those impressionists . i but we sang gershwin together . well , rhapsody in boo hoo . do you know why we came to the museum today . well , i thought it was because it was tote bag day . well , that was part of it , but the biggest part was that . washingtons backbone , einsteins eyebrows . florence nightingales tenacity , though ill have to clip around her moral fiber . youre going to take dna from these historical figures and add it to your own . i shall be the wisest and strongest maniac ever to bring the blessings of dictatorship to the world . bart jigs up , bob . return the spear to the homo erectus . homo erectus . where has that word been all my life . now , bart , i promised i wouldnt hurt you . you did that for me . more for mom , but yes . but beware , i have dna in me from ophiocordyceps unilateralis , better known as zombie ant fungus . and were scared of that because . what i am saying is , i could be tipped into a murderous rage by the slightest provocation . could you take a picture of me with my family . mm hmm . oh , would you take another for safety . oh , i think my eyes were shut in that one . now , can you take one with my husbands camera . theyre all ugly because youre in them . oh . taste praxiteles of athens . uh , chief , we got a report of a disturbance at the met . we got bigger problems , lou . horny teens who should be out having bad sex , but instead somebody made them take an abstinence pledge , by the looks of it . i dont get it . there are taboos about premarital sex in the middle east , and you dont see those people getting all violent . you cant escape me . ive got grasshopper thighs and the sonar of a killer whale . uh , bob , you cant kill us without a little singing , right . a little singing . if theres one thing he did not have to genetically enhance , its his voice . non piu andrai , farfallone amoroso how dare you torture my children with mozart . ah , you know mozart . i call all music mozart . were here to stop you with the help of the teenage abstinence class . if you defeat this madman , ill release you from your pledge and teach you other fun ways not to get pregnant . i think i might be pregnant already . well , thats one of em . python jaw unhinge . aah . i dont want to die in some old dudes mouth . bob , would you look at yourself .  . to quote whitman , this is what you shall do love the earth and sun and animals , despise riches , stand up for the stupid and crazy who am i kidding . my only exit is a final one . what .  . no . farewell , simpsons . and , lisa , when youre older , write an autobiographical novel trashing the rest of them . how veiled . thinly . now , dont worry . your friend will always be part of our drinking water . oh , right , i gave myself gills . i told you , the only dancing i like is square . hey , i let you pay for those boys skipping lessons . okay . oh . ned . ha . sure do miss that laugh . ha , . i miss her , too . and fox broadcasting company shh . springfield . doh . marge whoa . homer what the . mmm , mail . oh , urgent notice . hmm . if its not final , who cares . doll donkey . homer there you go . if its important , theyll call back . lisa mom . dad . the retirement home lost its license and grampa has nowhere to live . both doh . oh . that man cant remember anything except our number . get in the car , dad . look whos here , the big dummy . you do know im a doctor now . yeah . m . d .  . major dummy . grampa , what happened . this place is unlivable . my contract clearly promised barely livable . yeah , well , were closing down codger stadium here until they fix up their violations . and there are a lot of em . mannequin nurses . like i said , lot of violations . oh . i guess grampas coming home with us . unless what about that nice dog boarding place . the really good one , where they each have their own dog partner . no kennels . youre right . bad idea , bad idea . should we just , you know , drive by and take a look at the place . bad idea . bad . when are your relatives going to be here . can i be honest with you . theyre not . were all alone in this world . all i have left is a phone message from my late wife . pick up the phone , big shot . i know youre there . youre both coming home with us . you mean it . mm hmm . ah , just let me say good bye to my girlfriend . dont get fat . honey , grampa is the closest thing i have to a father , and i love him , but three octogenorous . homie , well be old someday . speak for yourself . glug glug . chomp chomp . beep my lifestyle is my retirement plan . oh . and dont forget my ripple . youre not taking your ripple . without ripple , i never would have had you . ripples your real daddy . this is gonna be a swell flophouse , sister . so , where should we park our pills . what pills . aah . dont worry , marge . its childproof . oh , homer , how are we doing with those cots . uh come on , boy . your job is to guide me . well , i really think you should watch your temper . i mean down the stairs , you stupid kid . stupid kid . do you really think thats the way we should communicate . you just want to see your old man trip and fall . well , sorry to disappoint you , lad , but what the . doh . doh . oh . not what i was hoping for , but itll do . okay , boys , shower up . and i better hear some towels snapping . muntz , what is wrong with you . now , you get undressed in front of everyone thats staring at you . is that womens underwear . my mom cant afford to buy me clothes , so i wear her hand me . muntz , theres a kind of poverty that toughens you up , but this is sad . hey , leave him alone . i , too , know the pain of hand me underwear . my dad buys the underpants gorillas wear during monkey shows . so if youre gonna laugh at nelson , laugh at me , too . simpson , i wont forget this . from now on , you and i are as tight as whiteys . ive had it up to here with those freeloading wrinkle bags . they pee all night , they cry all day , and every time they use aah . dad , did it ever occur to you that were learning how to take care of you when youre older by watching the way you treat grampa . have you seen how he treats my grampa . never visits him . never even acknowledges his existence . your grampas alive . oh , yeah . okay well , can you please be nicer to our grampa . for me . i love grampa . you may not realize it , but hes a treasure . grampa keep it down in there , you jabbermouths . im trying to watch c span . please . okay . you know , i love him , too . in a manly way . that never shows itself . now , were going to need three hearing aid batteries , all different and hard to get . and this has to be in the fridge , next to the butter . and the butter has to be open . oh , ill see what i can do . i can handle them from now on , marge . gentlemen , ive been thinking . my glorious youth and beauty wont last forever . someday , when the leaves have turned and the moon has broken apart into chunks of floating cheese , i will be old . whats your point , pound cake . im hoping we can find a way to coexist . what did he say . he wants to see if ghosts exist . oh , they do . my uncle bill is here right now . oh , bill , im so sorry i wasnt a very good ladder holder . thats all right . enough about that . did the clock ever get wound . this can only be good . this familys had a lot of hoods put over their heads . uh , chief , something about that looks fishy . aw , lou , you got a suspicious mind , you know . you remind me of that elvis song . uh , clambake . you know , cause you open your yap when things get hot . clambake . jimbo all right , take off his hood . where am i . our secret place . the empty swimming pool from the country club that closed down rather than let women in . now , enter the stolen bicycle graveyard . weve decided to make you an honorary bully . bestow upon him the necklace of unknown retainers . um thanks , but im not sure i want to be a bully . its too late . youve seen our faces . wow , never had breakfast at in the morning before . i love yakking at the manager while hes trying to unlock the door . now well talk about dead people you never met while we get a little exercise . when does the exercise start . this is it . yeah , were mall walking . oh , my god . this counts as exercise . im barely moving and im smelling cinnebun . sometimes you have to wait till youre to discover who you really are . im a man . son , welcome to the club . now , say something pathetic . uh , okay , um oh , i cant . thats my boy . i  . what letter . i . what number . what game . bingo . damn it . whos the icebox pie , abe . your younger brother . my son  but hes taken . well , im not surprised  the way he tears into corn on the cob . now , mildred , hes a married man . you cant see the ring because his fingers too fat . join the party , abe  theres plenty of room in my bed once they take the railings down . i said beat it . for the time being . now , homer , you stay away from those red door hoochies . theyre just trying to get a chicken dinner out of you . hmm . well , thanks for the chicken dinner . how did you know i wanted one . all you gals like chicken dinners , marge . dont call me a gal . makes me feel like im your mother . i better turn up the heat . its degrees . huh . are you wearing sock garters . young lady , in my day your day is my day . were the same age . youre turning into your father . you wont feel so bollixed once my social security checks start coming . theyre not coming for another years . did your ear lobes get longer . falsies . whoa . a tweet from chester . whos chester . whos chester . just the most legendary bully of all . they say he once wedgied a kid in half . whoa . hes calling a bully summit for next saturday night . hey , isnt that the same night the u . s . figure skating finals are on . theyve been promoting it like hell . excuse us , were looking for owls . screech or hoot . either ones fine . that was an order . screech . screech . wheres the lord of the fries . actually , homer got up early to count and sort pills . then he called the police when a frisbee landed on our lawn . then he went to the drugstore for an egg cream , but he only brought a nickel . i didnt mind that he grew bald . i didnt mind that he got fat . i didnt mind that he got fatter . but no one told me hed get older than me . oh say it , honey  youre no longer attracted to him . maybe . its on tonight , and everyone who ever took anyones lunch money is there . deejay all you boppers going to the park tonight , make sure youre not packin . we dont want any accidents . bart ay , caramba . howd you babies get here . did your mommy bring you . yes . woman nelson . i might have to move the trailer house while youre gone . look for me downhill . i aint got much gas . smell you later . hey , my old weasels . hows shelbyville elementary . not bad , not bad . weve ruined picture day three years in a row . crowd chester . chester . they say the day of the bully is over . popular music condemns us . documentary filmmakers expose our craft . and cyber bullying has taken away the warmth of human punching . but i say to you , the day of the bully has just begun . can you dig it .  . hey , why are you doing this . because i dont want to sit around like prince charles waiting for the queen to die . can you dig it .  . nelson oh , i can totally dig it . chesters been shot . this kid did it . his sling is still warm . get that boy . and his friend , the kid with the ladys underpants . how does everyone know . deejay to all you boppers out there , be on the lookout for a sling daddy who took down our main man chester . this is kbly , your source for bully news , weather and sports . by money taken from nerds . i cant believe you did that , bart . i dont even want to sit on the same side of this car with you . im just doing it for balance . i didnt shoot him . oh , yeah . well , whyd you bring your slingshot . i dont know . i feel naked without it . dolph yeah , i get that . thats how i feel about my eyebrow ring . the only way out is on the subway , past everyone elses territory . well just have to wait it out here until we were gonna have to jump for it . no . i lost my flip flop . just keep moving . oh . well , . looks like youse and me may be up here for a while , huh . there . yippee . aw , damn it . i just had to get her parkour lessons for her birthday . youll have to get past the s . a . t . preppers . i didnt say to begin . deejay word on the street is that the s . a . t . preppers failed the test . the springfield bullies are still at large . thats right , yeah , so , uh , give yourselves up . um , if i put on the radio , can i hear myself . wow . thats crazy . whoo , . hello , lou . i only have a pennies . uno due for springfield . save yourselves . today we are all nelson muntz . all haw , . springfield . were safe . im gonna kiss the ground . loser . youre gay for the ground . well , youre gay for homophobia . wow . you just made me gay for tolerance . bul lies come out to play ay bul lies come out to play ay oh , no . hes got three bottles . clinky , i know a place that serves an early bird breakfast . steak and eggs for cents , and it was years ago . oh , boy . yeah . ah oh , my god . i know that kid . we got to help him . oh , id love to , but , uh , im sure that its some sort of a holiday for me . fine . your generation did its part when it won world war ii and created the rockford files . i got this one . its so hard running in sand . no . no . i cant be old yet . i wont let the ravages of time catch up with me till im . ow . ow . no . um , ive never really been in a fight . now , lets go home , son . how did i get here . oh , whats your hurry . we got ten minutes between the kids falling asleep and the old guys waking up . go , . grampa i hear smooching . somewhere out on that horizon out beyond the neon lights i know there must be something better but theres nowhere else in sight in the city oh , . shh . springfield .  . lisa wants a dot dot guinea pig . mm . hey , homer , did you know that guinea pigs are self groomers . and when they get excited , they jump straight up . its called popcorning . lisa got to you . i dont know how , but she got to you . emojis . now shes gone too far . lisa , your father and i are very concerned about all this hinting . ive never had a pet of my very own . my clock is ticking . i dont want to be one of those girls who waits till shes to decide if shes ready , and then its too late . well , weve talked about it . and if you really want a guinea pig , youll have to sign this contract . i , lisa simpson , hereby promise to take full responsibility for this dog , cat , other . circle other . this includes feeding , bathing , cleaning of droppings and barfings , and when the time comes , burying or flushing . boilerplate , . we can skip all this litter box stuff . if pet becomes internet superstar , all rights revert to father . sign here , initial here , one more over here . and done . oh , my god . im getting a guinea pig . thank you , thank you , thank you , thank you , thank you . the kid parent contract . unenforceable , yet you feel like you didnt completely cave . youre doing the right thing adopting a rescue pig . you know , most of these guys are rejects from the big guinea pig mills in the midwest . oh , i cant tell you how many mill pigs we get in here who have bumblefoot or the slobbers . you dont have children , do you . this one whistled at me . oh , that could be the one . oh , but that orange guy looks like a pumpkin . but this fellow is so fuzzy . well , they all have their charms . this ones nibbling a sunflower seed . look at that hair . aw , i just want to comb it forever . have you seen a pinker nose . i have now . lisa , youve just got to choose one . lisa . shes gone , honey . shes gone . that ones fur looks like a tuxedo . a band aid on its tail , aw . albino . im definitely getting this one . oh , but i forgot about this one . oh , my god , i never even saw this one . oh . oh . oh . oh maybe i should get that sick one . if i dont , no one else will . bart , list your top five , best to worst . no , . worst to best . i just wish the gray one had the brown ones personality . okay , dad , give me your phone . i need to look at the pictures again . aw , . aw , . okay , this is the guinea pig that will make me happy . she thinks shes decided . dont say a thing . dont blow this . okay , now , you sure you only want just one . they tend to do better in pairs . i could get two . homer farting tweakers rule . ive tried to give pokey a perfect replica of his natural habitat . peruvian feather grass , an incan sleeping mat , and a portrait of marisol espinoza , the vice president of peru . are you sure you didnt create a perfect habitat for you . i wish i could live in there . well , theres plenty of room because pokeys gone . whered he go . this looks like a job for fireplace tongs . no . oh , my god . hes in the walls . i hear chewing . no , thats a much bigger animal . kettle corn . the heroin of the farmers market . ive lost my guinea pig . pokey . our boat painting . im sorry , mom . thats okay , sweetheart . your pig thingy didnt mean it . its just , it felt comforting to know that while we watched tv , there was art going on behind us . oh , well , i guess we have to go to an art gallery and buy a new painting . sure , we could go to a fancy gallery and spend a bunch of money , or mm hmm , . yeah , milhouse played the violin for years until it turned out the vibrations were screwing up his bones . yeah , these seem great . oh , too bad someone used cello rosin . oh , my gosh , thats beautiful . ive never seen a painting with a lighthouse before . oh , that . that was on the wall of kirks bachelor pad , back when we were separated . yeah , its a great piece . i didnt have a mirror , so i shaved in the reflection of the chrome frame . this could be our new living room painting . i dont know . how about this poster of a really rocking jukebox . you know its rocking cause music notes are coming out of it . paintings only bucks . oh , please , homie . ill throw in the tiny violins . oh , it looks great . well to me , it looks like garbage salad . but thats the great thing about art . everyone can have their own opinion about why it sucks . ive got to get rid of this ugly chrome frame from kirks bachelor bad . i hate to think of the things this mirror has reflected . hmm . hey , look . theres a signature that the frame covered up . johan oldenveldt . here he is . johan oldenveldt , painter . lived in amsterdam , paris . prolific early th century naturalist . oh , i think this was painted by someone famous . maybe its valuable . we should have it appraised . pfft . you guys are crazy . i never even heard of that guy . its not like it was painted by leonardo da vinci code . now , heres what makes art valuable  one nudity , two holograms , three something terrible happening to jesus . ah yes , seascape , marvelous natural light , classic use of gouache . youre right . this is an early career oldenveldt . quite valuable . oh , my god . i expect it to go somewhere between to . nobody touch it . bart , stop looking at it . but i want to see it . no , youll wear it out . baby , you saw something in this painting , and you were right . wow , the van houtens owned this for years , and never knew how much it was worth . think how happy theyll be when we sell it and split the money with them . split it . whoa . whoa , . whoa , . homer whoa , . whoa , . oh . whoa , . split it with them . kirk and luann didnt know what the painting was worth when they sold it . yes , they sold it to us . so , now its our painting . we can hang it on our wall , cut eyeholes in it to spy on people . or sell it for lots of money which we keep . for ourselves . this dude gets it . but the van houtens are our friends . are they , marge . if you think about it , arent they really just the parents of a kid who happens to hang out with our kid . all our friends are like that . well , how would you feel if we sold them something that turned out to be valuable . i would feel a happy for their good fortune , b proud to know rich people , and c grateful for an opportunity to learn from a mistake . marge how about this . what if we give the van houtens then theyll just be mad about the that were keeping . marge , you like kindness , right . sure . so , even if we gave kirk and luann some of the money , the knowledge of what they could have had will eat away at them , like piranhas devouring a wounded yeti . its kinder never to tell them . okay , i see your point . we should sell the painting , keep all the money , and never , ever tell the van houtens . mm hmm . whatll it take to buy your silence . hmm . okay , milhouse , the guys in back are shining up your new bike . and all i have to do is not say anything about some painting to my mom and dad . oh , sweetie , you want your parents to be happy , dont you . i guess . i guess . youre funny . no wonder lisas in love with you . she is .  . she is .  . so , if i keep my mouth shut , you get me new wheelie sneakers , and bart agrees to promote and encourage use of my new cool nickname , c . j . you got it , ceej . you found out that painting was worth big bucks , and you werent gonna tell us .  . i dont know what youre talking about . hide the treasure . im sorry , mr . s . i cracked . we had a deal . and now weve got nothing . we considered you our friends . we trusted you . i let homer use our master bathroom . then you stab us in the back . if you knew you sold a valuable painting for nothing , how could you live with yourselves . we were just trying to be kind . kind .  . you call it kind to give us nothing . we were gonna treat you to dinner at an upscale chain restaurant and never explain why , but now forget it . oh , so thats how it is . thats exactly how it is . oh , is it .  . oh , it is . luann , i hope were still on thursday for collecting used cell phones for the troops . i dont think you need any help . youre so good at collecting . oh . oh , that was cold , luann . so cold . brr . sarcastic brr . see what happens when we get greedy . honey , theres something i want to show you . an atm receipt . i dont know whose this is . i found it next to the cash machine , and ive always kept it . look at the balance . five figures . with that painting , we could have what these people have a money cushion . no more living paycheck to paycheck , one lost retainer away from the gutter . i could write a check with todays date on it . thats the cushion . tonight , a special report . fat cat art experts take advantage of john and jane yard sale . so , would you characterize your friend of many years cheating you out of your painting as no big deal , or a devastating betrayal . oh , definitely betrayal , kent . interesting . so if you see the simpsons walking down your street , lock your doors and hide your friendship . great . now were raccoons , the masked bandits of the animal world . dont worry . no ones gonna see this stupid show . the whole towns turned against us . oh , a support rock . this ones against us . this ones for us . for , against , for , against we dont even get this many christmas cards . there they are , the masterpiece thievers . ah , shut your bone hole . that painting belongs to the simpsons . sharing is what makes a community strong . all sales are final . keep it . finders keepers , moron . you really think were still doing the right thing . just close your eyes and think of the cushion . first lot untitled landscape by johan oldenveldt , from the collection of homer j . and marge b . simpson . lets open the bidding at . the paddles , marge . look at the paddles . woman stop the auction . that painting belongs to me . dawn . good to see you again , beef kirky . who is this woman . uhhhhhh while you two were separated , kirk and used to be friends with banana fits . you told me you didnt see anyone during our separation . uhhhhhh madam , are you saying this painting belongs to you . kirk stole it from me . but i didnt know it was valuable till i saw the story on tv . what .  . i bought that painting . shes lying . the auction is on hold until we can determine the true ownership . our cushion . dont bother coming home , kirk . aw . see what your greed has done . ow . anybody want to give me a ride home . going once . going twice . sold . to the lonely auctioneer . ah . thanks for taking me in , man . i guess i cant help but feel fully responsible . oh , luann , ill never gaze from my thick eyeglasses into your thick eyeglasses ever again . what you need , my friend , is a canadian duff . beauty , eh . so why does that chick think she owns the painting . oh , dawn and i went on a vacation to a resort island called isla verde . i bought the painting in a caf , but that night she ran off with a parasailing instructor . not your fault , man . those parasailing guys take whatever they want . it was never her painting . that woman will say anything to keep herself in electric cigarettes . and id go back to that caf artiste to prove it , but nothings gonna get me luann back . okay , all i gotta do is take a quick ferry to isla verde , find caf artiste , and theyll back up kirks story . that will prove the painting was his  and now ours . oh , homer simpson , that painting has torn the town apart , destroyed kirk and luanns marriage , and everyones very worried about milhouse . hes been playing dancing revolution for hours , but the tv is off . but our cushion . that picture has brought out the worst in everyone . please . just let it go . youre not gonna let it go , are you . i wish i knew how . this is so exciting . my first time establishing provenance . yeah , . just remember , if your mother asks , i took you to a wine tasting . thats a terrible thing for a father to do . thats why shell believe it . hmm , this quaint artist community has gotten a little touristy . excuse me . were trying to find caf artiste . ah , yes . top of the hill . three discos up , four gelatos on the left . you cant miss it . its right between the disco and the gelato place . mmm . hmm . mm mm . mm welcome to caf artiste . would you like a glass of strupo . its a liqueur made of fermented capers , the official drink of the island . mmm . sounds delicious . its not . hey , a friend of mine , uh , bought a painting here . oh , yes , i remember that painting . and that is the man i sold it to . and that man sold it to me . that proves the painting is mine . and nothing can stop me from selling it and keeping all the money . i love art . man art . what do you know about art . you dont even know who painted that picture . yes , i do . its a johan oldenveldt . wrong . its a me . a what . i painted it . me , klaus ziegler . who . mm . oh . this is where i painted your so called oldenveldt . prove it . aw , crap . youre a forger . forger is such a cruel word . im an art forger . your painting was an early , clumsy effort which i gave to the caf owner to pay off my strupo tab . whew . then why did the auction house say it was real . i have fooled galleries around the world with my loving imitations . ziegler . ziegler . ziegler . ziegler . ziegler . ziegler . what you do is horrible ripping off geniuses who spent years perfecting their styles . perhaps you are the one who is horrible . what .  . you only cared about that painting when you thought it was created by someone famous . well , no , but now when i look at it , all i see is a fraud . beauty is beauty . my forgeries give pleasure to people all over the world . the only real question to ask about art , whether its in the louvre or on a freshmans wall at cal state fullerton is , did it move you . but , you still , i mean oh , i suppose youre right . what if i never liked the painting and only wanted it for money . then you , i respect . oh , great . the painting is worthless , this was all for nothing , and when marge finds out , shes gonna kill me . well , on that front , perhaps i can be of assistance . if theres one thing art is good for , its to melt the frost which often hardens a womans heart . while youre at it could you make me a couple more . ill pay you in strupo . perfect . oh , now thats art . rocking . ziegler the gray troll , brine of madness , angels urine , all names for the mysterious elixir known as strupo . though this fermented caper solution was originally used to dissolve seagull corpses , local alcoholics soon found strupo to be a palatable drink of last resort . the noxious liqueur causes powerful olfactory hallucinations , gender confusion , and wandering mouth . so if you visit isla verde , be sure to say ahoy to the crushing addiction of strupo . strupo lose everything . shh . springfield . children , youre in for a treat . todays assembly is devoted to a special kind of history . living history . end this madness . we have two guests who have come from springfield . we come from springfield . illinois .  . please welcome , here to debate the important issues of the day , stephen douglas and abraham lincoln . i appear before you today for the purpose of discussing the leading political topics which now agitate the public mind . hit the dirt , squirt . well , it seems the , uh the good landowners of springfield elementary are rejecting mr . douglass position on tariffs . get a room . i shared beds with men all the time . it was a common practice . oh , common practice . please , good people . these are times of powerful passion . why are you concussing yourself . why are you concussing yourself . now , fellow countrymen , a house divided against itself ow . guess what , i also play frankenstein . douglas is getting away . skinner . i have seven other principals , and ive never yelled their names , not even once . you know what these kids lack . well , certainly not a caring superintendent . well , i , uh respect . thats what these kids lack . so we will hold a contest to make them tell us who they respect  who their heroes are . a contest . but , sir , we dont have any money to pay for prizes . we had to rent out our multipurpose room to a japanese american social club . tanpatsu . the answer is simple , seymour get a corporate sponsor . but dont worry , you wont have to compromise yourself . so , from now on , our cafeteria will only serve delicious stuffwichs heroes , hoagies and torpedoes . what about po boys . sorry , nelson . poor boys such as yourself will go hungry . now please welcome the star of stuffwichs ads  who lost pounds eating only stuffwich subs  ezra . tell us your hero , and you could win a stuffwich college scholarship . then you can be a hero like me . what makes you a hero . i dont eat as much as i did . nelson so the chained up dude cuts off his own foot to save his family from jigsaw . my hero is my moms boyfriend who took me to that movie when i was three . i call him uncle rob because he robbed us . madame curie , we just might have this one in the bag . my hero  or should i say heroine  dazzled the early th century with her scientific discoveries okay , calm down . maybe hes talking about margaret mead . in the field of radioactivity . i give you madame marie sklodowska curie . no . no , . martin took my topic . what do i do . oh , just make a speech about dad . everyone does that . everyone does that with good dads . but with our dad , its like climbing mount everest . you either plant your flag at the top of the world or get frozen in agony forever . either way , hell of a show . people , please . martin has left the building . he had an orthodontist appointment . okay , dads my hero . why is he my hero . we can be heroes just for one day we can be heroes marge , it happened again . skinner over p . a . lisa . lisa simpson . you have ten seconds to get to the podium . im allowed to eat these . our final contestant is lisa simpson , who was last seen leaving in tears . near tears . but not in them . no . my hero isnt famous loser . isnt rich pathetic . and isnt in any history books . he makes me sick . hes my dad . what .  . he worked two jobs to get me a pony , he started me playing the saxophone you all love and anyone can put a band aid on , but my dad knows how to take it off so it doesnt hurt . well , ah . oh . the trick is wait several weeks . and when my dad was a soccer referee , he had the guts to red card me , his only talking daughter , because he knew i was diving . in the history of soccer , he is the only parent to ever take sides against his own kid , and he was right . he made me a better person , because thats what heroes do . thats what heroes do . im so glad i was forced to come . people , we have a tie . yes , which means that nobody wins . the money goes back in the school general fund . but we will put both speeches online . behind a paywall . now , please fold up your chairs and stack them . cause im a grade school hero lisa never lies im a grade school hero and heroes never die just one guitar . slung way down low . yeah , one guitar . where did my lawnmower go . well , look whos back . hmm . hey , dad . lisa , your speech was one of the nicest things anyones ever done for me . when did you come up with the idea . you mustve worked on it for days . oh , dad , you dont want the details . no one wants to see the sausage being made . theres sausage being made .  . where .  . homie , theres someone here to see you . coming . i havent forgotten about the sausage . mr . simpson , i am the executive vice president of the world football federation . oh . what you americans call soccer . doh . im sure you are familiar with the world cup , the quadrennial drama unmatched on the planet . oh , yeah . thats the thing the guys at the dry cleaners get so excited about every four years . im afraid there has been an epidemic of referees being bribed to throw games . from the premier leagues to the playgrounds , all has been tainted . we need a symbol of integrity like yourself . of course i am , but how do you know . oh , your daughters speech went viral . no , i mean it spread like wildfire . much better . mr . simpson , please help us . the rot is everywhere . in fact , i see that i myself am about to be arrested for corruption . you will have to take it from here , peter . yes , i will take good care of your wife . wait , what what does that mean . mr . simpson , i am the new executive vice president of the wff . we need outsiders like you to come to the world cup , as our guest , and ref our games properly . well , no one has ever questioned my professionalism . except at my profession . what do you think , sweetie . dad , theyre offering us an all expenses trip to the greatest sporting event on earth . the super bowl . oh , i wish . eli mannings pass to david tyree . but about the world cup , i need your answer now . oh , sure , why not . congratulations on your purchase of a footmaster brand soccer ball . thanks , book . look , you got us a free trip . just slack off and cash your check like you always do . i believe the sweet little girl in would disagree with you . what the .  . i switched with her , dad . my tv didnt work . now i can watch my premium hbo . well , look at you , using approved electronic devices . to try to avoid any misunderstandings in brazil like we had the last time , im learning the language . computer ol . ol . o que um pas encantador . pilot will you please turn that off . its annoying the hell out of the flight crew . i was just trying to learn the everyone thinks they can learn our language on the plane . do you know how disrespectful that is . all right , just for that attitude , turbulence . announcer live from sao paulo , we bring you the world cup round robin group f opening round match . todays game is between our host country , football powerhouse brazil crowd ol , . and luxemburg , whose entire nation has turned up . got to hurry . ive got square miles to rob . ha ha . the mighty brazilian squad features the greatest master of the fake injury soccer has ever known el divo . now lets play human foosball . announcer and with brazil maintaining an insurmountable one goal lead , with minutes to play , lets take a look at the refs . it says here , homer simpson was recruited for his honesty and utter disinterest . announcer how did he get those shorts on over that arse . announcer rumor has it , they employed a team of pullers . brazil wins it . and a fairly called match it was . in choosing homer simpson , the world cup has met its goal . andres cantor , you know that is incorrect usage . i have no control . this job has taken its toll . eu gostaria de um hang on , hang on . placa de hang on , hang on . here you go , honey . howd you eat the meat without the vegetables . well , the stomach wants what it wants . oh , i need some air . ah , brazil . i couldnt stay afraid of you forever . the only thing that keeps me from living here is that fish that swims up your pee stream . that is a deal breaker . homer simpson . i would like to congratulate you on your fine officiating today . thanks . i still cant believe the yellow and red cards dont stand for mustard and ketchup . your disbelief will fade with time . but now , i would like to know if you are as incorruptvel as they say . oh , that is where i left my cell phone . well . you dont know the new me of the last few days at all . we will get to him . we have our ways . well , what other ways besides guns and money . we have two ways . two very good ways . samba . red card . let me give that back to you . get out of here . announcer and as homer officiates , looks like weve got a little action on the bribe cam . man , krusty should get some of these letters . while you were out , the gamblers sent up gold frosted donuts , a chocolate bowling ball and a fresh pork sandwich . oh . how fresh . oh . wheres your mother . went to practice her portuguese . mm selecionar conta oh , select account . uh , perhaps you could select the english option . i did not pay . for an app so i could use the english option . you americans , you really throw your . s around . you know , youre pretty rude . stupid lady . give the donuts to the hotel staff . release the pig and the bowling ball into the wild . dad , is it hard for you to turn these bribes down . yes . but knowing that lisa chose me as her hero , without ever considering any other hero , keeps me strong . why so quiet . im just examining what kind of person i am and whether i should destroy your happiness forever . eh , why not . im listening . and it better be devastating . you werent lisas hero . she just swapped you in at the last minute because someone else did her real hero . oh , my god . thats shattering . and now im a man in pain in the naughtiest city since san francisco turned all nerdy . where are you going . to drink until theres no pain left in my soul . but first im gonna eat off someone elses room service tray that was left in the hall . now thats a broken man . hmm . what the hell are you doing . its okay . im an american . oh . oh . okay . so , the rumors are true . we knew youd find out your daughters original speech topic was marie curie . and now we need you to fix the greatest game of all the world cup final . fine . marge is always complaining i never fix things . give me another . all right . but weve run out of sugarcane . i carry my own . all right , homer . to begin your descent into hell , let us enjoy this pirated copy of man of steel . but beware superman was never less fun . announcer here it is , the world cup final . dry cleaner guys yay . announcer will it be a german blitzkrieg or a brazilian waxing . nazis . nazi harborers . guys , youre both right . all right , just so there are no misunderstandings , you make sure brazil wins , and we give you one million dollars . if i bet it , i could double it . but on who . you know that brazil is going to win . oh , thanks for telling me . i was gonna tape it . remember , ill be watching . wave a brazilian flag so you stand out in the crowd . dont do it , dad . dont cheat . youre a funny one to tell me about deception . im sorry you werent my first choice . in fact i had my doubts about using you at all . well , if were gonna be brutally honest , that drawing you made of me when you were three was far from a perfect likeness . you put it on the fridge . it was pity fridged . all right , youre hurt . i understand . but when i made you my hero , you lived up to it and more . you became the hero i thought you could be , dad . oh . oh , come here . everythings right with the world . except that youre about to double cross some gangsters . thats all right , brain . if i die , ill be doing the thing i love the most trying not to get killed . announcer this match is tighter than two dogs on a summer morn . theres no score at all . even the slightest pebble could start a landslide . announcer and el divo goes down . in the box . will homer award a penalty kick to brazil . do it . do it . call the penalty . no penalty . he dove , dad . no penalty . i repeat , no penalty . no penalty . announcer the game , plus two hours of funeral time , is about to conclude . and with germany the victor , two nil, , in an unprecedented display of rectitude and stubbornness by one homer simpson . ive never seen the brazilians so depressed . ol you broke a deal with us . and we have lost a fortune . well , at least ill die the american way . in a foreign country wearing short pants . wait , . i want to say something . you have one minute . wait . let it get to the . n now . um hows she doing that . i dont know , but shes my new hero . yeah , i was a little surprised i wasnt considered before . ah , your fluency is impressive . you can help my son learn hebrew for his bar mitzvah . but im still killing your husband . first , mazel tov . second , dont . please , . im a mother . surely you have a mother , too . i do have a mother . oh , shes right there . im sorry , my son . we owe a debt to the simpsons that can never be repaid . all that she did was switch seats on a plane . on a flight . you are free to go . no penalty . fine . wow , the amazon is just like i pictured it after seeing all those pictures online . ive never seen anything so beautiful . the best thing is i can get locally  sourced monkey meat . okay , teeny . take care of part two . and fox broadcasting company shh . springfield . h hey, , what . oh . oh , cleats . homie , what happened . uh maybe some easy listening music will make you feel better about the story . turn on .  . like most of my problems , it all started at moes carl all right , so the rules are every time the news guy says senator , we got to take a drink . huh . itll be nice to let someone else decide when i drink  too much pressure . uh , yeah , channel six tip line . i just caught two senators doin it in the alley . and me . im just a reliable source . not sauce , source . source . s a . we have heard from a very reliable sauce news involving multiple senators . im going to read a list of senators , with possibly more senators to be named later by other senators senator abercrombie , senator billingsley , senator beaumont hmm . oh , damn , the plasters flaking again . homer once intoxicated , we had a great idea . hey . swings . im a kid again . oh gah ill save you . oh , the only way out is in . hey , look at me . im going up a slide . both homer . homer . best recess ever . whoa . help me , guys . guys . dont worry , homer , ill call the cops . ill write my senator . senator . senator . oh , am i gonna die on a playground , like some uncoordinated child . but i did learn something from all this the sprinklers in this park come on at a . m . hey , thanks for throwing the ball back . really . ill come back with the fire truck . i just have to get the kids to school first . oh , are the kids with you . lisa hi , dad . bart homer . hey , guys . why are you ducked down like that . bart dont want to be seen with you when youre hitting bottom . lisa at least we hope its bottom . dont worry , its bottom , all right . bart and thats why i was tardy today . and with that tardiness , you have at last crossed the boundary where i can legally apply physical discipline . willie , cut me a switch . what about the one your ma used on you . it , uh , broke on my buttocks . serves you right for eating jam straight out of the jar . damn it . thats not even a swivel chair . skate , as fast as you can . but ill catch you  im the principal man . thats the kind of education youre missing . oh , no . uphill . the one place my car cant go . uh , would you like a quote . uh , yes . some cause happiness wherever they go others whenever they go . oscar wilde . uh , p . s . your car is totaled . whew . safe . jailbird oh , not totally . whoa . what what are you doing in here . hiding from the cops . well , i cant have cops sniffing around here . some of them might be girls . cant i just stay a little . i only committed this robbery to help my kid . see , this is jeremy . i need to get him braces . i always thought that if id had braces , id have smiled more . hey , i bet you have a great smile . huh . ay , caramba . bart , were in whatchamacallit a pursuit . so whyd you come here . i run a respectable tree house . just wondering if youve seen anything . uh , word is youll , uh youll snitch for candy . you cant buy me with a candy bar that has coconut . then maybe this is more your neighborhood . nice real estate . you got a deal . so , what do you know . i saw a guy with a gun and a snake tattoo say he was gonna hide out on top of mount springfield . mount springfield , eh . strap on your crampons , boys . eddie . prepare my litter . lou , you are responsible for my oxygen , food , water and cleaning . you have to clean me . i clean you . yeah . dude , thank you . why did you save me . we outlaws have to stick together . outlaw . you . stolen bowling shoes , and this cage for my pet . oh . what do you feed him . my a . d . d . meds . um , listen , would you like two tickets to the school musical . my son plays the butcher . in fiddler on the roof . im busy that night . yeah , lucky you . huh . are you okay . dont put more in there . going for the record . what record . stupidest death . aah . blagh . merci beaucoup . oh , well , youre very wel thats french for hello . actually , i think it lucas bortner , competitive eater . a fat kid with a dream . i cant compete with that . what does a competitive eater eat . all the glamour foods pizza , boiled eggs , chicken wings and the big enchilada , which is not enchiladas but hot dogs . is the current record . as the great kobayashi says , detekurutoki itaiyo . what does that mean . thats gonna hurt coming out . is kobayashi the number one , um , uh the correct term is gurgitator . i wont be using the correct term then . virtually everyone uses his technique japanesing . shall i demonstrate . um , why dont i just go sit alone oh , youre doing it . ready , set japanese . thats not going down . this happens from time to time . maybe this isnt the sport for you . its not a sport . its my life . lisa aw , hes sweet . what am i doing . hes just ralph with a dream . the dream of not ralphing . but im sure i could totally change and fix him . can i join you for lunch . um , sure . how many whole pizzas would you like . um , can i just have a slice . interesting technique . bart whoa . you didnt tell me you had a playstadium . its the first ive seen it . somethings fishy , bart . wheres the gift receipt . wheres the packet of desiccant that says do not eat . and , believe me , you shouldnt . i have a feeling this playstadium was liberated from its previous owner and given to me in gratitude . liberated . you mean stolen . you cant spell crime without me . c r there it is , at the end . oh , hi . is is lisa home . yes , she is . and who are you . lucas . its pronounced luca dollar . thats my competition name . im a competitive eater . homer competitive eater . did i hear right . i could be a competitive eater . no . you didnt hear anything . yes , i did . i heard competitive eater . its for people who havent had heart problems . then that makes me the jackie robinson of the sport , and you are the racist philadelphia manager . quit comparing me to ben chapman . i will when you open your mind to change . oh . so , what should we practice um , vienna sausage blueberry pie , short form oatmeal , long course freestyle baked beans catfish  oh . cow brains . beans , . well do beans . hmm . never saw the pork eat the beans before . actually , im a little surprised lisa likes him . really . justin blobber over there doesnt remind you of anyone . to cut me out of that slide .  . its all about the money with those firemen . women marry their fathers , marge . so you just might be meeting your future ton in . ton in . god bless us . you can do better . marge my sisters are nuts . im happy being married to homer . most of the time . oh . what the . meep , . hmm maybe youre not cut out for competitive eating . are you calling me not fat . no , im just i maybe you just havent found the right food , huh . how bout ice cream . yes . i will lay some hurt on that cream . oh , my god . brain freeze . oh , my god . kick me in the head till i pass out . harder . im still conscious . you must kick me harder . okay , honey , i made you pork chops just like you like em . twenty . thanks , babe . sorry you had to drop out of college to feed me full time . now give us a kiss . what the . oh , yawn . another freebie . better be a gig . huh . its full of lame apps bully avoider , nosebook , insta grandma . this was stolen from milhouse . from my backpack . where puppy goo goo sleeps . maybe its time to tell me exactly whats going on . relax . listen to the music of this bubble game . so peaceful . no . i wont let this go . its time you told me how youve been getting all this stuff . i helped snake out of a jam so he paid me back in stolen stuff . it was an honorable arrangement . but i never thought hed steal from you . snake , eh . i never wouldve suspected the one criminal in town . you seem stressed . you want to suck some squishee . sure . mmm . careful . its uncut syrup . they give it to horses before they race . brockman jailbird , a snake . thats his real name . albert knickerbocker aloysius snake  has been arrested for a series of thefts and may be put to death under a controversial new statute . yeah , we had a law stating three strikes and youre out . but i thought it was youre out . so i let people go . so now its four balls and you walk . right to the electric chair . its , uh , much clearer , kent . bart , im so sorry . i just wanted to ruin his life , not end it . you ratted him out . hes got a kid . a kid .  . i was crushed when i lost my dad and all he did was move to the holiday inn . i can still see him smoking on the balcony . he looked like he missed something . maybe me . so you see , we cant let jailbird fry . time for the sleepover detectives . i didnt say thered be a sleepover . too bad , cause im wearing my pajamas under my clothes . and my swimsuit under those . one day itll all pay off . oh . theres my magazine . why , look at this . what every father should do for his daughter . oh , marge , if you want me to do something , just tell me . dont hide behind a magazine . right . right , . according to judy kleinsmith , a professional freelance writer , fathers should take their daughters out on little dinner dates and treat them like a gentleman would . then shell expect the same from the men in her future . wait , let me get this straight sit and eat . thats my punishment . its not a punishment . but you cant just eat dinner . you have to be gentlemanly and attentive . oh , i can fake attentive . ive been watching a football game this whole discussion . not fake attentive . real attentive . okay , . ill make it fun . ill take her to that crab place . all the crabs you could smash . you know lisas a vegetarian . she can smash a salad . no . homer , you cant just do the things you want to do . you have to act like someone youd want lisa to marry . if you just act like yourself , she might just um oh , you know um she might marry someone like me . you think that would be bad . homie , i love you . but you can be a challenge , like doing the daily jumble . marge , you are comparing me to the most infuriating thing in the newspaper . well , i was just trying to oh im sleeping on flanders couch tonight . ours is crap . so marge says i gotta ask lisa on a date . sure you remember how to ask out a girl , homer . yeah , youve been out of the game a long time there . guys , lay off homer . now you quit stalling and call your daughter like a man . oh it feels weird . just ask your daughter to have dinner with you . what is the big deal . ah , hes doing it . hes calling a girl . oh , my god , oh , my god , oh , my god oh , its ringing . oh , my god . oh , my god . oh , my god . lisa hello . uh , hello . lisa . i know your brother and oh . stupid , . calm down , calm down . she doesnt know its you . ah . hide . hide . uh , hello . oh , sure , lisa , uh , your dads right here . dad . did you just call . uh , yeah . hey , listen , your mom thinks that maybe you and i should have dinner together sometime . just the two of us . ah , yeah , i knew youd think its dumb . id love that . see you tonight . i got a date with my daughter . yeah , we all been there . no need to act like you just invented air conditioning . so , you see , chief , snake wasnt stealing that stuff out of greed . he was stealing it to thank me . plea denied . warm up the electric chair , lou . youre not done yet . the instructions are in swedish , chief . we got this from ikillya . yo , i totally speak swedish . fluently . um , ja . uh , do what he says , lou . but chief but but . quit arguing and give him the little wrench . ow . ow . ow . ow . let him out , lou . let him out . but chief , we got guns hes got a little wrench . its cold . y oh all right . thanks for coming down , bart . you wont need to save me a third time . youre going straight . if i get caught , its suicide by cop . oh , i dont like the sound of that . it means i get you to shoot me , dude . yeah , still sounds like a lot of paperwork . hair volumizer .  . cologne .  . hello , marjorie . homie . you look like an nba coach . yes , well , its a special evening and i thought it best not to look like a monkey . mm . dont worry . i wont embarrass you . i will put my napkin in my lap , i will use the utensils provided for me , and if i our food is slow in coming , i will blow my stack in a manner befitting the earl of yarborough . all right , youve made your point . hey , i cant screw this up or lisa will get stuck with someone like me . homie , i dont have a problem with you . except your buttons are off one . actually , this is a collar button , see . it goes like this tuh . is there no end to your fault finding . maggie , help me with this shirt . so mr . burns never realized it was maggie who saved the plant . nope . now , hows that drink . can i temple up that shirley . oh , im fine . well , have we decided . uh , yeah , help me out here . what is the normal amount of entrees per person . eh , one , sir . i mean for adults . one . no , i mean for adult males . yes . i repeat , eh , one . all right , ill have the lasagna . all right . meat or vegetarian . oh , uh oh vegetarian . can the red sauce be cow blood . well see what we can do . is that mom . homer , can you come with me for a minute . marge , please , control your jealousy . this is your daughter . we need to have a conversation in loud whispers . uh , excuse me , lisa . a friend from high school . homie , i felt terrible when you said i felt stuck with you . but then i realized i am stuck with you . i couldnt stop loving you if i tried . im sorry , thats all very nice . but i cant forget what you said . i know , homie . i know you well enough to know youre not ready to forgive me yet . but i also know you well enough to know that this will work . whered you get that dress . remember that sewing machine you say i never use . well , i sold it and bought this dress . wow that looks just like the dress you wore on project runway . shush shush . oh , right . i mean , this looks like a dress from a local springfield store . all is forgiven . lets have dinner . dad , i believe we were on a date . oh , of course . youre right , honey . ill just , um ill park it at the bar . well , hello . and your lasagna with cow blood , sir . thanks , frenchy . im not french , im just pissy . lucas . youre not competitive eating anymore . no . i realized that was unrealistic . well , thats a relief . my new goal is to become whatever adele is . just call me pound uca . what if i just taught you how to whistle . you know how to whistle . like with your mouth . hey , im doing it . i sound just like a bird . and fox broadcasting company shh . springfield . how much did i eat . homie , you cant keep doing this to yourself . im as healthy as a horse . horses only live years . if you could just ease up on the eating after a . m . thats all i ask . marge is right . im gonna walk upstairs , take her in my arms and tell her my good health starts now . mm hmm . legs pumping . blood flowing . two at a time . heart exploding . oh . pepperoni . all thats left are clever last words . and so we mourn the loss of homer j . simpson . beloved husband , father and poorly informed sports fan . all he did was yell traveling at the screen . major condolences on your bereavement , dear . if , uh you know , after a respectful period of grief and whatnot , uh yous would like to have some coffee , please give a call . thank you , moe . frink stop . stop with the wailing and the gnashing and the aye homer is not dead . i have made a copy . im number two . youre alive . but how . uh , well i was able to put homers memories in the body of a clone , identical to the original in every way . i wanted to clone a sheep , but i needed to start with something simpler . which he is , because his brain is fliveck . oh dad , youre back . just in time for my recital . somebody kill me . now , homie . i hope you use this second chance to live a more sensible life . amen , baby . did you make potato salad for the wake . yes . that man sure loved potato salad . ah , hey , midge . uh here we are again , ah . yeah and , oh , uh , here , uh , my new card . yeah . im back . coming through . yeah . i can die all i want . frinks got homers like the tuileries has park benches . huh . i wonder where i picked that up . oh . i planted a western history chip , but all you retained were the places to sit down . nice . letting the days go by let the water hold me down letting the days go by water flowing underground into the blue again after the moneys gone once in a lifetime homer , youll be all right , but , uh , no solid food for two weeks . aw two weeks . same as it ever was , same as it ever was same as it ever was we are gathered here to mourn the passing of yet another homer simpson . beloved father , precious memories , local character , et cetera . okay . were ready for the crematorium bot . homer wait a minute . dont go far , cremo . oh , moe , are we doing this again . you know what . no . im tired of getting my hopes up here . you and your immortal husband can go take a flying leap , huh . um , i am so very sorry , but , uh , this time , i could not bring homer back to life . all wha . stupid moe . you just had to act like yourself , didnt you , jackass . all is not lost . i was able to download homers brain into this flash drive . itll have to do . yo . wheres my body . oh , you used up all your clones , you fat , reckless , fat pig . from now on , youre just going to be a face on a monitor . so , enjoy screen saver mode . bonk . bonk . bonk . oh . corner . ba donk . let me just say this once . im good . hey , kids . want to chase grandpa homer around the house . i do . yay . after years of wifely obedience , im married to a face on a screen . not exactly fun and games for me , either , marge . oh goody gobble . liquid center power up . how are you , milhouse . things arent great with lisa . if it wasnt for that squirrel that eats our bird food , wed have nothing to talk about . as i told you when we talked last month , ive been doing a lot of charity work for the undead . homer uh , marge , excuse me . uh i think i need a reboot . just stick the tip of your pen in that little hole and hold it for minutes . no . im throwing you out of the house . you can live with your no good son . hey . what did i do . nothing for years . youre perfect for each other . no . no . no . dont pull me out before you click eject . that hurts like a mother . so , dad , what do you think of my place . son , could you put me in for a second . why , you little . ill teach you to emulate my sloppiness . okay , guys . time for you to go to your mothers . heres your moms house . hi , jerry . hey , bart . great to see you , man . how are you . great . great . so , i guess you and jenda are still together . is she there . oh , yeah . shes just getting out of the shower . hey , youre looking good , man . you been working out or what . no . youre lucky , man . i have to hit the gym like every day , or im like hey , baby . hurry , boys . were going camping this weekend . but our thing was camping . living out of a car is not camping . thats right , babe . bye . good bye, , daddy . take care , bart . hey . checks due on the first , whether its a weekend or not . dad , if i ever needed fatherly wisdom , its now . okay , everyone . jolly did a great job standing on her hind legs . what does she get . all a goat . cheer up , bart . youre working with dinosaurs . i miss my kids . come on . youre free and sleazy . i know some adult dancers that work with my mom . isnt your mom . with social security a thing of the past , she cant afford to retire . i dont know how that happened in a senate with democrats . that one republican is great at getting his way . brains . actually , terrance , this is a synthetic substance . devised for zombie vegans . or zegans . meh . what are you doing here . you werent answering your phone . i was worried you might have been bitten . oh . zombies not able to control selves . all we do bite , . you , sir , am racist . im sure youre one of the good ones . not to imply that there are any bad ones , of course , but all stereotypes come from a place of ow . still meh . i dont think im ready for this , man . dude , its been two years since the divorce . oh . i love your perfume . can i smell you later . why dont you smell me now . haw . well , that didnt look so hard . you know , at my job , i satisfy ladies even bigger than you . um , i feed dinosaurs . sir , you have to leave . youre bumming out everybody , and you have , like , a goat beard stuck to your shoe . huh . one , please . mm hmm . huh . man , thats some targeted advertising . after this procedure , you will have total closure from your divorce . how long does this take . itll be over before i finish this sentence . wow . it works . im completely over my ex wife . do you take wedding bands as tips . put it in the jar . one more injection in two weeks , and youre cured . but until then , you may experience some zombie ism . brains . no . those are just teaching brains . theyre like the plastic sushi in front of a japanese restaurant . window sushi fake . window sushi fake . ay , caramba . i have moved on . hey , passable looking . sorry . im just a little creeped out by that screen saver . nothing to worry about . hes been frozen like that for days . girls all i really want is girls and in the morning its girls wow . now i see why they call you miss hoover . you must have been vacuuming for an hour . anything to please my man . so , was it good for you . good is not a concept in my culture . oh , my god . we went home with you . not just me . theres beppo , boppo , emmett kelly the ninth , frenchy , insane clown polly and commodore tee hee . brains . brains . garden brains . spicy mexican garden brains . too much sodium . give me your wallet . whoo . whoo . whoo . whoo . what seems to be the oopsie here . yay . im fighting crime . officer needs backup . there , back up . oh . the old milhouse would have been helpless with an asthma attack . no breathing , no asthma . i love how youre dropping all your definite articles . brevity soul wit . lisa uh , what are you cooking . nothing . you know , dad really misses you . well , i dont miss his nonsense . theres a lot of stuff he blamed on raccoons that im starting to suspect was him . look , maybe i shouldnt have done this , but ive got him right here . oh . sorry , i must have recorded over dad . but admit it . when you thought it was dad , you were excited . its only natural to miss a man you buried times . hey , homer , your robot body finally came . about time . huh . huh . hmm . hey , wheres my junk . oh . whew . hello . oh , you boys look happy . yeah , but moms sad . jerry moved out . i thought he was the one , bart . i just put in a saltwater tank where he could shed his exoskeleton . and now when i walk by it , i feel like a fool . hes the fool . youre great . youre just saying that because you have to . i dont have to say anything . believe me , no guy wants to see his ex looking hot or being sweet . makes him realize everything hes lost . wow . wow . youve really grown . we should have dinner sometime . hey , dad , can you watch the boys . sure . body , to moes . hey , youre kind of quiet tonight , homer . you know , this was a great evening . please enjoy your desserts . man , when is that voice gonna change . suddenly , i want a different dessert . but they brought us little cakes and oh . ay , caramba . oop , uh , yeah , open your stance a little there . oh . yeah , thats it . do your worst , kids . come on . hug your grandpa , boys . threat perceived . terminate . terminate . kids are so afraid of being terminated . looking good , santas little hybrid . father , what am i . jenda guys , sit down . our lives are gonna change a little . uh oh . this is never good . this is good . your father and i are gonna try to make it work again . like a classic rock band whose hold out member finally needs money . wow . everyones back together except gramma and grampa . oh , i think thats about to change . arent you going to work , dad . one of us has to stay home with you guys . and your mom cant quit her job at google . they need my help hunting down those self driving cars that turned evil . oh , you passed another rest stop . i am not stopping again . but i had a large soda . i said get the small . it was only cents more . lets play the quiet game . now , will somebody hold up a one dollar bill . uh oh . it looks like we woke someone up from her nap . well , now that youre up , you can do your juggling act . milhouse , you were supposed to come see me today for your final anti zombie injection . yes , well , uh but im supposed to be in surgery now , so i guess were both playing hooky . but , lisa , if you want milhouse to return to his old self , then youd better bring him in for that shot tomorrow . but , doctor hes so much more interesting this way . oh . i see . now enjoy the majesty of our prehistoric past . so , that earring i lost in the teleport , turns out its in florida . yes . thats not a listening to yes . youre watching something . what . me . oh , thats crazy . you know , i knew it . this is supposed to be us time , and youre lensing a game . well , youre not paying attention to me . youre texting . yeah , only to complain about you not paying any attention to me . if i wasnt paying attention , then how did i notice you not paying attention to my not paying attention . ha . oh , i thought this time things were gonna be different . they are . youre four years older . wow . what does that mean . uh hey , bart , whatll it be . a tall beer and no judgmental women . that is so typical of you . what are you doing here . i have to decide whether to make milhouse human again . i even prefer the way he smells now . some meat went bad in our freezer , and my heart skipped a beat . phoo . you two dont know what a rough marriage is . mom , i got to know . once and for all , what is the secret . why did you stay with dad so long . until i was eight , i thought he was a magical gorilla . look , lifes tough . its hard to make it through . the only way i know is when you make a decision that comes from your heart , you stick with it . like my marriage . or my divorce . or my decision to support duffman in his old age . duffman can still swing and party . oh , yeah . wait , mom . does that mean youre going to take dad back . no , im going to join him forever . oh . i cant tell if that was love , suicide or a really boring video game . lisa , your husband is fine . no residual zombie ism whatsoever . are you sure . watch . ill just wave this juicy brain in front of him . im gonna faint . hooray . so , jenda , i dont know what love is , but i know what it isnt , and were isnt . yeah . youre right . thats why i started seeing jerry again without telling you . hey , buddy , how , uh , how you doing . what .  . oh . you know what , jenda . im not even mad , because im finally , completely over you . woman sentence . wait . what am i doing back here . you never left . everything that you experienced between when i flipped the switch and now was just a neural implant in your temporal lobe . uh , you should look at my profile . oh . uh huh . it was all a dream , and now you can go home . so , youre sure im cured . no more feelings for my ex wife . im positive . we treat a lot of people for obsessions . its a whole new day for nothing stu . wow . im free . get ready , world . ive got a whole new set of mistakes to make . uh , ol gil could use a fresh start . werent you just in here this morning . ive had a bad day . after years of marriage , weve finally gotten it right . yes , even my personality has gotten , shall we say , an upgrade . oh . thats a bit of a whoo hoo . indeed . lis , i hope things work out with you and milhouse , but if they dont , i know just where you should go . thanks , but milhouse and i are in a pretty good place . even though hes not a zombie anymore . no , thats what happened in your false memories . there is no cure for zombie ism . dead flower from dead husband . and i was a false memory , too . no , you were real . aw , shucks . announcer next week on fox televisions the simpsons sit down . youre not going anywhere . release the it aint what you think . i said no mayo . ay , caramba . announcer one week from tonight . and fox broadcasting company shh . springfield . doh . doh . oh . oh . why , you little . huh .  . eh , welcome fellow barkeeps , gin slingers, , and beer jerks . we are all here because drinkin in our bars is down . mom and bartenders cant compete with big box stores like booze barn and hooch city . uh , folks , this is the owner of the airport bar speaking . uh , were experiencing some financial turbulence . uh , please remain calm . now lets watch this informational video thatll help save our business . thanks , cap . now what im proposing is a superhero pub crawl . our clientele dress up in costume and go drinking from bar to bar . their masks make em feel uninhibited and invulnerable . yeah , and thats not all . why dont you tell em about it , moe . yeah , you got it , moe . we can make up superhero drink names and charge em double . like , uh , nick fury , agent of schnapps sex in the batmobile and wolveriskey . here , check out my , uh , portfolium here . whoo . yeah . flame on . oh god . i cant breathe . no , . why do they call this a yard of ale . easy . after you drink one , youre passed out in your yard . hmm . well , better get home . the delightfulness ended hours ago . homer , the best thing for you to do in this situation is keep drinking . heh . oh , why are you doing this to me , booze . i drank every kind of you . see ya , homer . bye , dad . have a good day , you two . dont be me . theres my dad . wait , i think i just sucked up a dollar . jos , hit the switch . we are not all joss , man . oh . art . simpson . smock up . every time i do art , some do gooder teacher sends it straight to a therapist . your stuff is pretty disturbing . ive never acted on any of it . you will take art , you will enjoy art , and you will make something in a kiln your mother can use . oh maggie . whyd you do that . oh , i just came in to take out the trash . and you shall leave immortal . also , take out the trash . honest . inspiring . yes necessary . oh , milhouse ian . oh , bart , its wonderful . really . wonderful . i just drowned a grasshopper in paint and let him crawl on the paper till he died . you know what thats called . mixed media conceptual art . no , its not , because i hate art . oh , then its protest art . stop encouraging me . i will admire you from afar . shauna . what are you doing here . training for the olympics . i gotta find a way to get rid of my art teacher . easy . voodoo . is there a voodoo queen you can direct me to . oh , yeah . she lives in a trailer down by yogurtland . now kiss me . i wanna make somebody mad . what are you doing .  . whats my no good daughter up to now . now u have everyting you need for the voodoo . would you like a bag . yes , maam . paper or plastic . uh , plastic . just like the chicken foot say you would . okay , did you get trunchs dna . yeah , got it out of her purse . howd you do that . art teachers dont have a desk . they just throw their purse anywhere . voodoo spell , voodoo spell , seagull beak and bone of mel , purple heart and tear of chum just had to be tear of chum . send her home with aching tum . oh , right , we need one more thing from her purse . ive got these . hmm , shes got tickets to the play god of carnage . orchestra .  . on an art teachers salary . thats black magic . wheres mrs . trunch . i need to know the correct density of points in my pointillism . mm , sorry , but i dont think well be seeing much of trunch today . yep , i cast a voodoo spell on her . i wont bore you with the dark details , but lets just say shes in no condition for teaching . oh class , i have an announcement . im afraid i cant teach today . i have a tummy ache . mm a very special tummy ache . im going to have a baby . aah . bart simpson got a teacher pregnant . typical ralph nonsense . bart simpson got a teacher pregnant . you happy with your two timing boyfriend now . i admit , i did make a voodoo doll of mrs . trunch . but i just asked for a stomachache , not a baby . classic wish makers mistake vague language . so i did make her pregnant . of course not . doesnt work that way . just how do women get babies . im not allowed to discuss that with fourth graders . fifth grade , you get every dirty detail . do you know how embarrassed i was to get a call at my arraignment for my behavior during the pub crawl because of a voodoo curse my son placed on his art teacher . i didnt mean to make her pregnant . i just hate art so much . oh , everyone does , son . thats why they lock it up in museums where no one will ever visit . so , uh , your boys got magic knock up powers , huh . hey , i created three kids , and no ones making a big deal of that . not true . whenever i compliment your virility , you act all weird . and you are very virile . uh , yeah . just talk about sports . no problem . wish i had that tom bradys libido . oh , its amazing how many cheerios maggie drops in the back seat . here you go . put those in the trash , then you can help me unload the dishwasher . oh . a minute of fun , a lifetime of work . ive never heard of a pregnancy like this . there he is . jenny , this is crazy . nothings crazy at this point . are you the boy that makes babies . i like to think im the boy that makes families . you see , jenny . hes just a jerk kid . its just weve been trying so hard to start a family . with all the money weve spent on ivf . you have no idea . hmm , maybe i can help . but itll cost you . how much . five dollars . plus one dollar haw haw insurance . trust me , the insurance is worth it . by the power of this place , make a baby with a face . thats great , really . really glad were getting a baby with a face . thank you . haw . no haw haw . it worked . im pregnant . look , bart , i really , i cant believe theres a connection here . but , uh , we have some friends who are in the same dark place that we were . can we give them your name . only if they have five dollars . yes , right . ill make sure that they have five dollars . with them . look , im sorry our check bounced , man . i can have the bank teller call you . just give me the cash and youll get your drivers license back . please keep the chatter down while the womb wizard is casting his spells . ones are appreciated , people . barbeque sauce and teddy bears eye . they want a baby , god knows why . homie , i cant find my spatula . can you get another one . flanders , can we borrow your spatula . that was my spatula . and you never bought a replacement . ah , too much aggravation . we just forego flipped food . doh . hmm . bart . huh . why , you little . ill teach you to answer peoples prayers . yeah , you know , i just dont think were going to get in to see him today . what is your problem , boy . maybe when ive got a dad who shows up in the morning with no shirt on and rocks on his face , it sets , i dont know , a low bar . wow , i got to take that in . while i do , have some bar nuts . arent those full of germs . eat the nuts . theyre your dinner . you guys are coming with us . not so fast . nobody comes into my bar and kidnaps two paying customers . aw , thanks , moe , i huh . i mustve left my wallet at home . all right , take them , take them . fill their pockets with corn and toss them to the pigs . dont tell us our business . huh . fat tony . thats right fat homer . hey . i need your boy to make a baby . do you really need the boys help to make a baby . just do a little of the bunga bunga, , and the hotsie totsie, , and the bop bada . you sound like every doctor ive ever been to . but its not for me . its for her . meet my filly , cheesesteak . the love of my life . who has apple breath . you has apple breath . and this horse , who i have briefly borrowed , is the winner of last years springfield stakes  rear admiral . so work your magic , and breed me a champion . look , fat tony , i dont know what you know about voodoo , but it only works on people . horses . thats crazy talk . you will breed me a champion by morning or it will be the last sunrise you ever see . dont over promise, , boss . it might be overcast . howd you like a cast over your face . well , as long as there re breath holes . you know , im just saying . okay , boy , if there ever was a good time for you to find out where babies come from in the grossest way possible , with your life on the line , this is it . one more thing it better be a boy . anything else . it would be helpful if he could go undercover with police horses and find out what they know . hey , this is all your fault . how is it my fault . i wouldnt be here if you were more of a role model . pub crawls , naked frisbee golf i just did that because it was a series of funny words . well , its your mediocre fathering that put me on the path to hell . wha . maybe youre right , boy . its time i was a better father . and ill start by saving us . i just need to facilitate some horse intercourse . come on , buddy . just make a champion thoroughbred , and were out of here . whats his problem . its raining men hallelujah , its raining men amen im gonna go out im gonna let myself get hey , you know . i dont think this guy likes girls . big deal . i dont like girls , either . not like that . its like this . smithers mr . largo danny kaye . what . everyone knows . now , wheres she going . hey , i know that horse . its sudsley . sudsley brew right . that horse was instrumental in me becoming a man . it feels like the first time it feels like the very first time it feels like the first time ew , that tastes horrible . beer transformed that cute little boy into the man you see before you . hmm . whoa . they like each other . you know , pregnant is pregnant . what a you talking about . were not lost , boy . not by a long shot . we just have to set the mood . let them play we wont look well turn away go make love then eat some hay well be dead shot through the head be that as it may fat tonys horse is gay i do not hear no banging no sound of horseshoes clanging roll in hay or tomorrow we will pay i dont care about tomorrow we need true horse love today heres a blanket they can borrow let them rock the night away i dont really mind at all but why must i go muck the stall . roll in hay roll in hay roll in hay . ah , young love . so , where is the pregnancy test . right here . what does it say . the pimlico plus of joy . or the maryland state fairgrounds minus . its a plus . were having a baby . hey , salute . ive never seen johnny tightlips so happy . simpsons , youre free to go . louie , drive em home . cool , another limo ride . the limos in the shop . we have a loaner . bart ay , caramba . you monster . my knees will be in my throat . theres another way you can go . dad . cheesesteak , a little advice from a mother of three . theyll turn out the same whether you gallop or trot . teach him not to pee during parades . hell get more work . now thats what i call a modern family . hey , . hey , . hey , . hey , . hey . the prosecution calls sudsley brew right . sudsley , on the night in question , how many did you see the defendant kill . seven in one night . what kind of a monster could do that . a party monster . drinking the new , convenient duff seven pack . oh , yeah the duff seven pack one more for the road . theres nothing symmetrical about flavor . so get your seven pack today . it looks wrong , but it is oh , so right . oh , yeah . oh , yeah and fox broadcasting company shh . springfield . homie , wake up . youre having a nightmare . homer its not selling out . its co branding . co branding . marge wake up . oh , honey , the best part of every day is waking up to your smiling face . oh just like the best day of my life was when you gave me your hand in marriage . oh . id like it back , please . hey . drop it , you stupid dog . thats one of my wifes pieces . she needs it to reciprocate high fives . thats okay , homie . ill just grab another . mmm oh i havent worn this one since new years . hmm . is it just me , or does something seem weird today . youre right  something is different about the simpsons today . your fathers wearing a tie . oh , thats whats different . thats the one and only thing . maggie . stop that . no more playing with your food . aw , theyre so cute when theyre duplo . uh , yes , is this a toy store . uh huh . im supposed to get my daughter a birthday present  hmm , whats it called . here it is . perky pattys princess shop . oh . im so sorry  but i have an awesome excuse i was distracted driving . oh , dont worry about it . good thing we dont feel pain . hey . these are the monkeys legs . come back . im a clown . i cant afford to look ridiculous . hey , bart , check out what i brought for share day . bart whoa . a skunk . who should we stink first . it cant spray  its been de sacked . ew . the gypsy skunk seller lied . he went in there . stop it . if you pull out those bricks , the whole school could collapse . but theres a skunk in there . scottish steak . you are going to rebuild every brick of this school . this says ages and up . age guidelines are conservative , and everyone knows it . and to motivate you , some words of support from the school chum . haw haw . skinner thank you , nelson . one perky pattys princess shop , please . ah . always good to meet a fellow amfop . huh . adult male fan of princesses . its for my daughter . yes , its always for the daughter . well , thats weird . i feel like ive seen this toy before . do you like it , honey . i love it , dad . thank you . well , have fun putting it together . wait , wha dad , dont you want to build it with me . well , theres no dad on the box . i dont want to get in trouble . of course i do . mm hmm . well , what do you know . i enjoyed playing with you . me , too , dad . no , . listen to me . we played and it wasnt boring . weve played lots of times . of course we have . because youre my girl and i love you . but im letting you in on a secret . when parents play with their kids , they dont like it . and im no different . oh . suddenly i cant breathe . every fiber of my being screams out for a nap . and if someone handed me an issue of the new yorker , i would read the fiction . i swear to god i would . wow . but there are millions of parents in the world . surely some of them like playing with nope , not even one . just look at the things you kids like tea parties with pretend food hide and with flagrant peeking and the most inhumane torture ever devised by man candy land . oh . but this is tolerable . what a crazy vision . i was in a world where nothing is made of bricks , except for toys . hey , read the sign . thank you . marge , im telling you , it was so weird . my body was squishy , and my hands looked like snakes made of meat . it was horrible . oh , homie , it was probably just a mini stroke . youre just saying that to make me feel better . whatever you saw , it wasnt real . thats how the world works . everything fits with everything else , and nobody ever gets hurt . i know . oh , maybe you just need someone to you know , take your mind off it . hm . i always need that . i only dont ask because being rejected gets old . oh , baby , i feel so close to you right now . hmm . hmm . marge . did you replace our regular mirror with a magical mirror from a mystical salesman at a weird store that if we went back to find it , wouldnt be there anymore . marge no . okay , homer , get a grip . im sure lots of people , every time they look in the mirror , see a hideous flesh monster . just a one time thing . oh , brick me . leave me alone . why dont you go back where you came from . i have as much right to be here as you . i , sir , am in the advent calendar . hmm . apu december final week . huh . moe , im going crazy  i need to kill off as many of my brain cells as possible . well , im here to help . what the . this isnt beer . beer is plastic circles . how can i drink this . did you guys see that . oh , its getting worse . ugh . rebuilding the same boring old school . i could make this place so much cooler if they just gave me a chance . what have you done to my school . i put in a rock climbing wall , all the classrooms are skate parks , we got zip line stairwells , terminator gym teachers , your office is now a haunted forest  extra ghosts  and , if you can believe it , two tetherball poles . how will children learn if they dont feel like theyre in kid jail . relax . i used all the same bricks . plus ralph . yo soy language lab . but i dont want to go to church  im too busy going crazy . come on , homie . when im troubled , i always find solace in the airtight logic of religion . before the world began , there was only table . then the great constructor scissored open bag one and dumped out the universe . then came the time of the great sorting color to color , shape to shape , and a pile of just windows and doors . and everything was made of eternal , unchanging acrylonitrile butadiene styrene , or in the common tongue , plastic . but , reverend , what if everything isnt made of plastic . i think theres more to this world . you mean like decals . well , the orthodox dont use them , but were a reform congregation . no . i mean a place where nothing snaps together and you just cant toss your kids in a dishwasher to clean em . oh , homer , a place like that could only exist in some kind of magic rock song . look around  we live in a perfect world where everything fits together and no one gets hurt . mustache is right . but im having all these hallucinations . like right now my hands look like theyre these weird wiggly things . i think they have a name , but i cant put my finger on it . dont look , boys . wait . you guys see them , too . hes a freak . take him apart and lose the pieces under the couch . well , i dont find him disgusting . oh , boy , thats mushy . come on , marge . we need real answers , and theres only one place we can get them . lets see , fingers . come on , show me something about fingers . bad news , people . our religion is not true . sorry about that . really sorry . if im right , when i touch this box , itll trigger another memory from some alternate mes life . if i dont come back from that other place , tell my wife i loved her . im right here . promise me . i cant believe all the time i wasted playing with bart when i could have been playing with you . aw our little springfield is really turning out great . city hall , the weird smelling bank , rehab world krustyburger , express , the krustyburger where the governor got stabbed oh , you two . hey , look what i found in the arts weekend section of the paper . lisa a builders competition . we got to enter our mini springfield . were a great team . were there . ill clear my calendar . hey , lenny , remember those two surfers we were gonna fight . well , youre on your own . lenny but youre the one who sat on their fish tacos . great talking to you , buddy . lisa , i spent all day at work making a duff brewery for our mini springfield . i dont want to brag , but it really brews . huh . where is she . okay , i got us tickets for the show of survival games . ive never been to a pg  movie before . i wonder what the one swear word will be . what if its oh , ive never heard that one . my grampa said it at thanksgiving . we usually dont hang out with second graders , but we saw your survival games book report hanging in the hallway , and we were very impressed . you really understood that the theme of the book was love . hey , older girls , im homer simpson . thats right . lisas playtime partner and bff . i assume lisa told you about the pretend tiny town shes building with her overweight father . oh , yeah , its gonna be mucho fresh . come on , honey . its time to click some bricks . i dont know what hes doing up here . he usually stays in the basement . its okay , lisa . we have dads , too . i have three dads . see you friday . friday . but thats when brick stock is . um , actually , friday is the opening night of the new survival games movie , and they invited me . but this was our thing . i know . im sorry , but cool older girls have never wanted to hang out with me before . one of them wears deodorant . i dont know which one . oh . all right . thanks for understanding , dad . what just happened . its not you . lisas growing up . its a really complicated time in a girls life from age eight to actually , all the rest of the way . oh . i finally found something i like doing with my daughter , and now ive lost it . i dont fit into her world . this is for the tacos . ow . tacos , brah . ow . what did you build . mmm oh , thats the teenage crossbow ace who stole my daughter from me . keendah wildwill is a modern feminist hero  strong , independent and resourceful . shes a little bustier than i remember . my work on that front is never done . i wish i lived in little springfield . everything fits together , and no one ever gets hurt . comic book guy okay apparently , our whole world is a fantasy in the mind of an emotionally devastated homer simpson . one of the main questions i have about that is , why . the real homer fears losing his daughters love , so he invented this toy world where nothing will ever change . how can you be sure . i have devoted my life to second rate science fiction . trust me , that is what we are dealing with here . so if i dont find my way out of here , i could be trapped in a fantasy forever . im afraid so . im trapped in a fantasy forever . kiss my flat plastic butt , reality . oh . daddy daughter time will never end . inventing this toy world to live in is the smartest thing my brain damaged ever did . nothing bad can ever happen here . great throw , homer . put it in tupperware , boys . well rebuild it tomorrow . homie , ask yourself  can you really live in a paradise if you know its just pretend . marge , who would give up eating steak in the matrix to go slurp goo in zion . we dont have that movie here . now lisa can never ditch me , and i can play with her forever . there , i finished . all of them . ill never build what i want again . then youve learned your lesson . too bad i got these for my birthday . they always give me the school . sparkle unicorn , would like some more tea . oh , yeah , hook me up with some more of that imaginary nectar . ive never seen you throw yourself into a tea party like this . before , it always seemed like you were kind of phoning it in . not anymore , lisa . ive created a perfect world with no pg  movies to take you away from me . ah . cause in a toy town , everything stays shiny and wonderful , just the way i want it . youll always be my little girl . maggie will always be my giant baby . bart will never move out of the house . ill work for mr . burns forever . marge and i will never grow old together and live like fat cats on social security . good lord , ill never experience the ultimate reward for a life well lived  the gentle slumber of death . marge , i made a terrible mistake . the fact that kids grow up is what makes time with them special . i think i need to go back . i wish youd told me that before i bought all these groceries . but i understand . lego marge , youre just as cool as real marge . who .  . nobody , . plastic comic book guy , i need to go back home . home . but youve discovered the joy of living in a world made of toys where nothing bad can ever happen . but i miss burning my mouth on pizza , and david blaine stunts where he could really die . now tell me how to get out of here . all you need to do is open the box back to your so called reality . but i cant let that happen . huh . youre the bad guy . i thought you were the rule explainer guy . as an adult who surrounds himself with childs toys , i represent the part of your psyche that prefers this artificial world . how did you do that .  . because , as the ultimate collector , i have every play set ever made . huh . pirates . pajama guys . ill never get home . who could build something awesome enough to save me . who . who .  . who .  . dont you even think about it . you are thinking about it , arent you . you are going back where you came from  denmark . what is that thing . i have no idea , but its gonna kick his butt . that robot is made out of batmobile , hobbit hole and spongebob play sets . thats mis set . kid power . bart lion blast . lightsaber barf . fire principal . this is strangely exhilarating . no . no . no . i am going to enjoy playing with this thing forever . im a creative but undisciplined builder . good bye, , homie . your squishy meat family is lucky to have a good man like you . oh , baby , no matter what the reality , youre the best thing in it . hmm . that was a little weird , right . a little bit . lisa dad , wake up . wake up . oh , meat lisa , its you . are you okay . oh , i had this crazy dream where i was in a world made of lego bricks and learned important lessons about parenting . mmm , isnt that kind of the plot of the . no . no , its not . its a new plot . honey , what are you doing here . i thought you were going to your movie . i changed my mind . i knew how much this meant to you . no , go to the movie with your friends . if theres one thing ive learned , its that i cant stop you from growing up . i love you , dad . me , too , little girl . and fox broadcasting company thayson , joshuel , dont make me pick between you two on the night before i reenter the struggle dome again . well never stop loving you , even if you string us along forever . forever . forever . how can i choose between two boys , one whos dangerous but good looking, , the other whos strong but super cute . all ah . oh , my god , this is terrible . when do they get to killing the children . shh . wait a second . youre not into this shh . shes trying on dresses . oh , i just wanted to see kids fight to the death , is all . shh . shh . springfield . what the .  . well , this is a no brainer . woo hoo . doh . doh . doh . doh . doh . doh . doh . doh . doh . doh . now what . mom , its not funny if i cant hear the cats drown in their own barf . why cant kids still watch captain kangaroo .  . cultures in decline . deal with it . oh . yay . a mess . oh . can i lick the ceiling . oh . i was making that cake for the block party today . now theres no choice but to go store bought . over p . a . i need a price check on gramma shortcuts store bought bundt cake . keep it . lets go . weve got some put backs . roger dodger , boss . hey , dont turn old man on me . you know , i used to be the buyer for the whole chain  you heard of the ap . well , we used to be the jg . you like what you see at the jg theyre used to be three , but we lost the z and if i make out with you , will you shut up . ah , give it a shot . you know , we used to give out gray stamps . remember green stamps . ours was gray . attention block party losers . we are ear poison . there were bells on a hill but i never heard them ringing no , i never we must have the same recipe . drive to store , buy cheap cake , serves them right . booth wilkes john . my wife and i just moved here from london . marge simpson . congratulations on little king george . well , marge , my wife and i are hosting a get to game night on saturday next  or as you call it , next saturday . oh . game night . you know . adult games . well , not adult games , fun games , like charades  or as you call it , pictionary . it sounds like fun . ill just tell homer and homer , for the last time , do not drink the yahtzee dice . fine . oh . doubles . mm , i dont know . we have church the next morning , starts at . oh , were going to the game night . moving church to monday afternoon . well , if you change your mind , please let us know . we could become couples friends . now , let me try some of ned flanders no alarm chili . youll only taste the spoon . brilliant . why dont we have any couples friends . because couples friends are a myth , started by restaurants with tables for four . i want friends . any friends . okay , sweetie . ill call the van houtens . not the van houtens . but theyre always bragging about their trip to rome . it was years ago , and it was a layover . i want new friends . lisa can i make an observation . im okay with no friends . its easier to focus , and itll give me great material for whatever art form i choose . right now , im thinking long novella . good night . okay with no friends . thats the saddest thing i can imagine my daughter saying to me . bart i can think of worse . the saddest thing would be if you were driving and texting lisa and you hit her . and the last thing she texted before she died was , i got your message . good night . well , they all make good points . announcer and now , the moment of truth on topiary wars . this taj mahal should be floated down the ganges . im sorry , cathy . turn in your shears and ladders . come and get em . oh . thank you . why was that on the military history channel . were going to that game party , and were going to be charming and witty . youre not going to eat too much , and were not going to stay too late . marge you will not sing unless theres a sing along, , and never take the tray out of the caterers hand . dont be too loud , and dont be too quiet . when youre too quiet , you get that psycho look . and stay in the living room . dont go to their kids room and watch a basketball game . can i check out what toys they have . no . dinner party at the neighbors . at least i can drink . one drink . wha .  . walking distance , marge . ive been looking forward to this all week . duffman dont show your wife this app . powering down . you were charming enough to win me , and that day you didnt have a drink in you . marge . homer . mwah . mwah . homer . you know , i have more cheeks . id like you to meet my wife wallis . how ya doin . wallis has unearthed the most delightful entertainment to thrill us for hours on end . its a murder mystery , and were all suspects . great . ive always wanted to try and solve a crime . please , everyone , read your bio . i am a humble farmer from yorkshire . humble i can be . thats the spirit . wallis and i have found this game to provide a full evening of divertissement , building in suspense to a masterful climax . weve rented costumes youll find accurate to period and conducive to character . we will serve food and wine appropriate to period and palette . weve programmed music to cover every dramatic event . hired a foley artist . i believe the mare has a slight limp . yes . yes . so , for the next three hours , i welcome you to the moors of question . uh , it says here the murderer is admiral wainsworth . whos that . youve you youve given away the game . well , you know why you . thank you so much . now wallis will once again withdraw into melancholia . birth , school , work , death . worth , drool , shirk , breath . mirth , cruel , quirk , meth . just so you know , mer , you were going to be a dashing russian count with multiple lovers . well , as we say in russia , good bye in russian . do svidaniya . uh , nice night for a walk . id like to be alone for a while . you want to be more alone . yes . more . mm hmm . what the .  . doh . thats good . okay , i slept on the couch and i flipped the sweaty cushions over . what else can i do . its okay . i mean , those people didnt even want us at that party in the first place . i think its time we learn to live with being ostracized . mmm dont you dare say ostrich eyes . because uh oh . oh , okay , . what should we do . nothing . i give up . no more dinner parties . our whole social life will be us watching tv and you going to moes . i see . woo hoo . well , if thats how you think it has to be . yes , for us . but not for lisa . never for lisa . were going to help her make friends . it might be easier with maggie . shes always getting letters from the day care center . those are past due bills . theyll get their blood money . and lisa will get a friend . after this , well do makeovers . so where are all the friends . i dont know . i invited everyone that lisas ever met . who are you . gus huebner . i was on lisas coed soccer team two years ago . well , lisas gonna be here in five minutes , and the only kid who showed up is gus freakin huebner . watch your mouth . oh , no , youre right , homer . abort . abort . oh , no . i was the only chump who showed up at this train wreck . well , im not leaving till i get a party . fine , . homer , give him a party . gus huebner . is that you . i wish . that kid can play youth soccer . are you guys okay . yeah , sure . im fine . yeah . thats nothings going on . right , . nothing . whats for dinner . pizza . mmm . lots of pizza . so , as her teacher , i was wondering if you could tell me why lisa has such trouble making friends . marge , this is when i normally eat lunch . so ill just tell you lisa is unique . and were done . all right . for some reason , square dancing is a part of the gym curriculum . now , im gonna open the divider to the girls gym , and if you dont find a dance partner within ten seconds , there is something very wrong with you . hmm . aw . thats tough luck , lisa . looks like youre dancing with groundskeeper willie . careful of your toes . i got me cleats on . ill dance with lisa . tumi . but youre from the other second grade . we only come together for tornado drills . god , i hate square dancing . it aint gym class if a fat kids not crying . lets do this thing . swing your partner , swing her hard do si while i bombard hey . ha . ho . ha . do si while i bombard oh , thank god , the clock says cause i have to take a pee . finally . but i wont push it , i promise . see ya . oh , wait , . um , i was going to all sales vinyl after school . the vintage record store . yeah . you want to come with me . at the risk of sounding like a broken record , yes , . they will fit . they will fit . yes . hmm . nobody likes jazz that much . even the guy playing it had to take drugs . its so much fun to finally have a friend who likes the npr show wait dont tell me . as much as i do . peter sagal so , carl kasell , how did the house minority whip do on our news quiz . carl kasell well , peter , he got two out of three right , so he wins me recording his outgoing message . man oh , thats okay . really . no , . please dont . kasell its not optional . see , marge . problems will work themselves out if you just leave them alone . mm hmm . want some more smoothie . as long as you load up on the kale and chia . oh , no one likes veggie smoothies that much . or at all . hmm . somethings fishy about that girl , and im gonna follow her till i find out what . and im gonna help you . i think ill need you back at headquarters manning the phones . great . what do i say . just let em ring . got it . they smile in your face all the time they want to take your place the backstabbers they smile in your face all the time they want to take your place the backstabbers all you fellas who have someone and you really care yeah , then its all of you fellas low down, , dirty . what do you want . ive got two things for you . this envelope will change your life for the low , price of five dollars , and ill throw in a piece of great advice . tempted . whats the advice . dont open the envelope . oh , god , im gonna be sick . mom paid her to be my friend . thats mine . its for my library card . you dont want to be here . neither do you . mom , how could you pay someone to be my friend . answer me . oh , i wouldnt say i paid someone to be your friend . i just gave her money for records and ice cream . homer you gave away ice cream .  . i wouldve found a friend eventually . you couldnt wait a damn decade until i got into college . oh , lisa . lisa , wait . oh , god , oh , god . im the smart parent . im sorry she rejected your im sorry cake , but , in a way , im not . i guess what im trying to say is i like cake . marge , dont feel bad . you did what any parent would do . no , i think i went too far . let me tell you a little story about a chubby unpopular boy named homer . is that the boy you named me after . it is you , idiot . whoa . little homer had a devil of a time making friends . no one wanted to come visit him . so i decided to take matters into my own hands . i paid a couple of boys , lenny and carl , to make my homer feel loved . a relationship i continued to this day . you pay lenny and carl to be my friends .  . yes , but barneys yours for nothing . aw . hmm . well , that makes me feel better . lisas door is unlocked . dad , is that story really true . i wouldnt pay ten cents to a lion to stop him from eating you . lisa , just say something to me . im gonna tell every psychiatrist i ever go to what you did . a mothers greatest fear . lisa wow , i made mom cry . what unimaginable power . i can use this to get anything i want . but right now , all i want is for mom to stop crying . mom , stop . stop . stop . im sorry . oh please stop . youre not mad anymore . im fine . fine . its funny , but hurting your feelings made me feel better . mm , try to forget that . but when i grow up , ill find other weird kids , and we will have the most intense relationships ever . and ill always love you . aw . happy mothers day . mothers day .  . mothers day .  . crap . okay , initially i was just gonna be your friend till i could afford a nice belt . but i like you , lisa , and i want to keep being friends with you . great . but from now on , we have to be totally honest with each other . youre absolutely right . im not really a vegetarian . have you ever tried horse meat . they eat it raw in japan , and fox broadcasting company shh . springfield . okay . next question . yes . will there be another simpsons movie . lisa our lord , buddha , says , the secret of existence is to pass beyond fear . my brother is about to meet fear and as usual he wont pass . wake up , lis . its the last day of school . wake up , maggs . its the last day of school . last day of school . last day of school . found my summer hobby . banging pots together . dont worry , marge . as a favor to you , im enrolling that precious little jerk in this fresh air summer camp . thats a prison road crew . i did that last summer . im not allowed back . good bye forever , multiplication . uh needs more numerators . ah , july th what the . no fireworks .  . cant this stupid city entertain me one night a year .  . the citys broke . the fire department has to raise money by delivering pizza . my baby . back ribs . marge , when youre broke , thats when you got to keep up appearances . the fourth of july is the one day a year when our city puts on her high heels and tube top and leans into americas car window . god bless her . lisa the last day of school . field day . when you learn to balance an egg on a spoon and run with your leg tied to someone who wouldnt talk to you all year . hey . are you coming to the after school pool party . not now . aw no fair . he actually has three legs . you lay off my son tripod . he won fair and square , just like my twins wheel and barrow . now , take you brother to the face painting . but dont make yourselves up to look all freaky . one , two , three , toss . the eggs are supposed to be tossed between students , not at the principal . once more and hurl . aah . we will do this until we get it right . look , do you want this to be your last school memory . pull harder . what is wrong with you people .  . hey . i have thumbs , too . i like the play doh that comes out the back . see you next june , macaroni . and now the climactic race around the school . previous winners include sideshow mel , seora bumblebee man and olympian edwin moses . ill bet your biggest hurdle was leaving your beloved hometown . all hurdles are the same size . man who is this loser . ive got a secret , bart . thats good . want to know what it is . no . my secret is ive been training for this race and no one suspects . check it out im wearing a dummy tummy . im gonna win and itll change my life . wow . breaking that tape cured your asthma . marvelous . ha ha . six on bart simpson . both two on us to win . on milhouse . milhouse .  . thats a thousand to odds . perhaps i should take my action to willie . i aint makin book no more . i lost the deed to my shack . you are late with the rent , willie . ill have it by friday , mr . u . i swear . we can handle your action . betting is now closed . and now , the th running of the race around the school . gun in the school . what the . just , go . and theyre off . weve got a pack of fifth graders on the rail , simp son holding down the center while database and cosine are still testing the wind speed . as the runners go into the first turn , lewis is in the lead . followed by lovejoys daughter , fat tonys nephew , brockmans little girl and jailbirds kid . the frank sinatra kid well , hes doing it his way . rounding out the pack are all the kids that we never see . whats this . milhouse takes the lead . the same boy who sprained his shoulder doing the pledge of allegiance . uh oh . if milhouse wins this race , were out a fortune . dont worry . the race takes a turn through the trees where no one can see . when milhouse gets there , you know what to do . oh , yeah . totally . i mean , its so obvious . just punch him . exactly . right in the nnn fff dee . there is no wrong answer . chalmers and milhouse , the boy nobody loves , is widening his lead . and what does he have to jump over . nothing , thats what . im out of here . good job , edwin . im doing it . im doing it . and when i win , im changing my name . to something cool like winnie . did you come to give me a cup of water . the best day of my life just turned into every other day of my life . lisa bart faced a terrible choice  take a beating with his friend or slither off like a coward . and like he did with every multiple choice question he ever saw , bart chose b . the winner is bart simpson . lisa bart won a blue ribbon . but was it worth it . marge lisa . bath time . lisa mom . im narrating . marge the waters gonna get cold . lisa fine . lisa as the pin on the back of the blue ribbon made its way through barts shirt and into its housing , the seeds of his comeuppance flew out of the woods . son . what happened to you in the dark place behind the school . something good . im afraid i dont remember . whew . well , it looks like milhouse has traumatic amnesia . he may never remember what happened to him . the most important thing is , the race results are now official . now ive got to look at some severe cases of ice cream headache . help me , bart . help me , bart . help me , bart . why am i having nightmares . im no coward . a chicken feather . why would you hand this to me . oh , you mustve figured out i chickened out during the race . well , who are you to judge me . i suck . you suck . lisa while bart was being outwitted by a baby , something was coming to a boil in our pops brainpan . marge , if this stupid , one reactor town wont put on a fireworks show , i will . ive mapped it out . hmm . maybe we should just light sparklers in the backyard . eh , ive had my problems with sparklers . fun . fun . fun . fun . fun . fun . fun . fun . lisa but fourth of july fireworks were a different story . they meant more to my dad than my mom could ever know . it was the one night of every year that he couldnt hear his parents argue . he figured it was because they loved the fireworks just as much as he did . i want to take a class . why cant you be happy ironing my shirts .  . i need space . then close your eyes and go to hawaii . lisa with his mom gone , homer needed a hero , and no one was a bigger hero than the magical little man behind the controls . are you god . no , . but i shoot rockets into his a face . heres a my card . dont forget to treasure it . hmm . now lets see . which pants have that card . board shorts , interested shorts . here we are . kaboom . giuseppe , i want you to come out of retirement for the greatest fireworks show of your career . why do you come here and remind me of a time in my life when i made a tons of money doing a what i love . if the expendables movies have taught us anything , its that people do their best work after theyre old and forgotten . well , i am younger than sylvester stallone . i will do it . hey , buddy . bart , my truest friend . i brought you a cake . read it . thats an odd message . but who am i to argue with icing . will you watch cassidy the crocodile with me . um , thats kind of a baby show . its all i can handle now . henrietta kitten . will you marry me . meow , maybe . why would a kitten marry a crocodile . wouldnt it eat her . suspension of disbelief . friends help friends in trouble . no . turn it off . its too intense for me . some guys just cant handle crocodiles . is it over yet . and if youre dissatisfied for any reason , i will refund your money in the form of acorns . hey , this gunpowder , it has a crystal meth in it . crystal meth . then what the heck did i sell to them colombian drug lords . brandine . were feuding with the escobars again . does that mean i aint talking to maria . duh . yes . homer , we will get the fireworks someplace else . the pigs been eating the c  blocks again . weve invited a new athlete to join our do gooding dream team . please welcome fleet footed phenom , bart simpson . hey , everyone . i sure got a lot of attention for winning this years race around the school . completely deserved . yeah , . thank you , mel . but i am not here to talk about myself . milhouse , would you join me at the podium . whats going on . seriously , what whats transpiring . ive got to set things straight . during that same race , my friend milhouse was in the lead , when something horrible happened . lisa bart knew the worst thing to do was pile lie upon lie . and thats exactly what he did . rather than try to figure out what happened , milhouse had the courage to move on . to me , thats a hero . nicely done . now we will give out free rubber bracelets . do not wear them to bed . they smell like truck tires . theyre disgusting . crotch or forehead . uh , forehead for once . wha . bart simpson . you ran away when i was getting beat up . barts a coward . he lied to us . stop the tattoo . uh , i could make it a bag of groceries . all right , make sure theres some french bread sticking out . ow . ow . ow . ow . look how he runs now . lisa so bart was revealed as a coward . and now it seemed like the whole world was against him . male announcer have you ever considered a reverse equity mortgage . thats what put me in this dump . grampa , everyones calling me a coward . well , join the club . anyone who makes it to old age has got to be part coward . come on , you were in world war ii . do you know how i survived d day . dont worry  just a day at the beach . ill be back around . but dont people hate cowards . sure do . but we outlive the brave . leaving us cowards to make time with the heroes widows . after korea , i was drowning in boobies . wow , that sounds pretty sweet . well , there is a price . do you wake up sweating in the middle of the night . yes . so do i . but i get back to sleep by counting the men i let down . theres jerry , izzy , brooklyn , the odonnell boys , the lost ship pt , , the poor buggers of meatloaf ridge , the andrew sisters i understand . you have standards . this is an angry sleepover . im only doing it cause it was on the books . lisa while bart was in hell , homer was happily surrounded by fire and brimstone . okay , lets make some fireworks . now drive slowly and a carefully to my workshop . its in a the cobblestone a district . oh , thank god  a rickety bridge . dont worry . well be safe in the gas a lamp . can i pitch something . go ahead . boom . biddy bom bom boom . biddy bom bow . ba dip . boom . boom . thats a nice . sometimes when we touch the honestys too much wrong holiday , charlie brown . yoink . ha haw . were on it , maam . okay , coarse gunpowder , get the ball in there , dont forget the wadding , tamp , fine gunpowder in the pan , firing stance , take careful aim and uh , yeah , not enough tamping , chief . coarse gunpowder , ball , wadding , tamp , fine gunpowder in the pan . come on aw , my boys having a bad night . we should get this show on the road . no , the time is not yet right . when they look at their watches and mutter , hey , when are these a jerks going to a start . thats when theyre ready to be enchanted . come on , lets go . i cant stand to see my family unhappy on americas holiest day . actually , july is when congress declared independence , the date that a should be celebrated . hey , super mario . dont you tell me about america . idiot . im a right . no , youre a wrong . july i am quoting john adams . who the hell is that . oh , dear . the term target audience is taking on a sinister connotation . milhouse , this is my chance to make things right . what are you up to now . get on that bus . ill explain during the explosions . dont a panic . well be okay as long as the sequence doesnt a start . hit barts dad in the butt . roger that . did you factor in the wind . no . sometimes when we touch . the honestys too much dont worry , boys . ill be with you all the way to berlin . so , who is our hero . i hope its carl . nah , no such luck . i was just tweeting a picture of what i thought was my last meal . hot dog and french fries . milhouse is our unlikely savior . man quit explaining everything , let him talk . well , it wasnt me . it was bart who saw everything you did . milhouse is the hero . take it from me , the boy whos lied throughout . all milhouse . milhouse . oh , i get it now . thanks , bart . lisa so milhouse got the redemption he deserved , and so , in a way , did bart . all coward . coward . coward . lisa which meant that , at long last , my brother could get a good nights sleep . oh , enough doom and gloom . look , maggie , i undid my deed . so im just gonna take your feather and say good night . oh , where are these coming from . oh , i see . thats all you wanted . hows that , kiddo . and fox broadcasting company homer sometimes when we touch giuseppe the honesty , shes a too much both and i have to close my eyes and hide giuseppe i wanna hold you till i die homer one more year , tops . giuseppe i live a longer than you . i take a senior spin class . always im increasing the tension . homer then , burn on you cause youll be holding onto a dead guy . giuseppe i wanna hold you a till the fear in me subsides homer believe me , if youre holding onto a dead guy , fear is not gonna be your problem . giuseppe congratulations , you have ruined a beautiful song . homer its a song . i thought we were just riffing . giuseppe i apologize to dan hill and all of our viewers . homer i dont . shh . homer usher , will you stop that person whos shushing . springfield . this is kent brockman at the st annual springfield grand prix , which , like all our town showcase events , is not only poorly planned , its horribly executed . the making of the empire state building , part one the basement . aw . wait for the gap wait for the gap . homer , we can buy scotch tape tomorrow . theres the gap . gaps too small . huh . a peloton . apparently , today is also the final stage of the tour de springfield bike race . hey , thats some fancy riding . truthfully , today , there were no losers and no winners since both finish lines were tangled up in this unholy mess . i hear tapping from inside . whats goin on . well , uh , lets , uh , all start tapping our toes to the sounds of scab calloway and his non union band . uh , keep it down in there . so , is this a date or just a meaningless friend thing . meaningless friend thing . true love super date . well , if you two ever get serious and have a baby , itll look something like this . dont listen to uncle bart . lisa and i will raise you in a house of love . were not having a baby . jimmy . oh , brother . lets dance . geek leak . hey , bart , at least ive got a date . dance with me , please . i need to zing my sister . okay , but you have to do your homework . just move your girdle , yertle . hey , lise , your dance partner just made the cover dorks illustrated magazine . i know thats a zing , but still the cover . now , you listen to me , bart . milhouse may not be the perfect date . please let there be a but coming , please . but landed it . at least im with someone who tries a little too hard because he really likes me . hey , plenty of babes have docked in porta de barto . yeah , for about a week . but as soon as they get to know the real you , they departo de barto . thats why youre alone tonight . oh my god , is that true . yeah , im afraid lisas right , son . if the late , great nora ephron taught us anything , its oh . whats my other inflatable doll doing here . what . what . i aint here with no one . oh , man , lisas right . none of these relationships lasted very long . three days . one recess . half a field trip . why did i have to get so needy at the planetarium . boy , if anyone needs me , ill be taking a popcorn bath . its a thing i read about in a mens health magazine in a dream . dad , can i ask you a question . how did you ever get a woman like mom to stay with you . look in the mirror , unplanned miracle . is that the only reason . well , i also keep things interesting . all right , who took the microwave . you see . hey , what are you looking at . my ex girlfriends . aw , boy , i feel for you . nobody likes to be rejected and it never gets easier , until you can drink . because then you can express your unfiltered feelings by drunk dialing . observe . hey , its me again . hes there , isnt he . well , i hope this doesnt sound weird , but im inside your closet . um , thats awesome , but i think ill visit my ex girlfriends and prove they still like me . hey . its me . i was thinking about you . its your birthday in like , three , four months . would it be weird if i threw you a party . eat my shorts . drop dead . eat fist , jerk . youve got a lot of nerve showing up here and not giving me a kiss . inappropriate . i miss you . stalker . save me . mary spuckler , youre my last chance . shes pretty cute for cletuss daughter . yeah , she liked to drink milk as a kid instead of white paint . is you one of my kids . no , sir . prove it . a , b , c all right . all right . you convinced me , einstein . what you want . is mary here . im afraid mary done run off . we knows not where . dadgummit . do you think she still likes me . um , hey , brandine . does mary still like this boy . i dont know what that girl likes anymore . she ran away after we engaged her to old man wellbottom . and i was gonna be a good husband , too . ifn i ever get out of this well . all right . all right now . thats enough out of you . but i just  oh , i cant believe she ran away . and this isnt helping . i better switch to the hard stuff . hey , dubya . i know where my sister run off to . new york city . new york . thats where sesame street is . do you ever wonder what happens to oscar on garbage day . yup , new york . the big something . this heres her address . good luck . i dont know if we should be up here , bart simpson . and why is that . cause the floor aint finished . daddy just covers things with hay and says theyre done . mom , can we go to new york to find this girl i used to know . bart , thats sweet , but wed need airplane money , hotel money and for yankee tickets , which turn out to be bogus . well , dont buy em . but theyre playing the purple sox . come on , dad , you love new york . now , that your two least favorite buildings old penn station and shea stadium . lousy , outdated relics . boy , do you remember what happened the last time we went to new york . keep your meat hooks off my sister marge or my goons will do a soft show on your solar plexus . youre dead , j . j . get yourself buried . tough cookie , huh , well , watch me take a bite out of ya . im about to go out shooting and you just said who . thats some lip you got on you . howd you like me to stretch it like a rubber band and snap you into last week . youre selling milk , j . j . and i got a sour stomach . homer , that sounds like the sweet smell of success . it didnt feel like success . why , ladies . why .  . son , you can dial down the crazy . your mother and i talked about it , and we found a way to get to new york . its all set , boy . to save money , were swapping houses . but dont the people wreck your house when they stay in it . i didnt say i swapped our house . yeah , how ya doing . were staying here for two weeks . lord , youre testing me , arent you . yeah , keep talking to your friend up there . well be doing it on your bed . new york style . look at this place . things have certainly changed since our ancestor fievel came here . fievel was a mouse in a movie . yes , and now look at us . only in america . khlav kalash . get your khlav kalash . oh , geez , not this guy with his stupid little pushcart . all khlav kalash . used to be bookstore . books . come on , lets go find mary . this is the address her brother gave me . cant dad take bart while we seek out culture . you do that . you know youre missing your clothes . i thought this was just a dream . man . all right , ill spring for a cab . much better . here we are . anything you leave in a cab youll never see again . hey . oh , uh , oh , thank god you woke up . oh , i guess my search for true love is doomed . youve learned a very valuable life lesson , boy . which is that love doesnt exist , except briefly between a man and a woman before marriage . after that , its just hanging out with someone who kind of hates you but you cant get it together to leave . ill get us some ice cream . whats the matter , darling . thanks for asking , duchess . im sitting here waiting for a girl thats never gonna show up . what makes you so sure . girls dont like me . i dont really like them yet either , but i think im gonna . theres a storm a brewing down there . well , theres a girl a standin right here . its me , mary . wow , what are you doing for money . well , its not very steady and im kind of ashamed . im a featured player on saturday night live . mary spuckler . aw , im lying . my whole life here is a bunch of lies . im just a writer with a performing option . lets talk about something else . something nice . so , this is basically what we can afford . okay , second balcony , partially obstructed view , no bathroom privileges and you must stipulate that , in emergencies , you can change a spotlight shell . well , at least ill be able to say i went to a broadway show . youre not allowed to say that . oh , forget it . so , bart simpson , did you really come all the way here just to see me . yeah . plus , i thought i might get to see an air conditioner fall on someones head . but i guess that never really doh . ow . what was that .  . is that your father . bart , i want to see you again , but i dont want a grownup taking me back . meet me at the high line tomorrow . keep my secret . you little . wheres that ice cream .  . just once , id like your father to be on a jumbotron for something good . damn you and your fluted neck . so , what did you do with your dad . were safe because you have to climb steps to get up here . cant move . no . i thought there was no crime in new york anymore . giuliani . gimme some news of springfield . they let sideshow bob out of prison again . huh , didnt know they still ran those trains . hows your momma and your sister . trying to find high culture at low prices . no , lisa . if you click that turnstile , itll blow our budget . aah . whaah . well , without them around , you and i can walk through the city holding hands , just like the menfolk do . i could listen to your twang all day . would you care to hear it in song . cause i wrote one bout you . can i do a rap in the middle of it . or you could just listen . sir , may i borrow your guitar . sure , . its the case that makes money . a boy i knew turned up again kind of liked him way back when chased him round the livestock bend rolling on my skateboard , pimping like a drug lord well im on the cusp of womanhood and i like a boy that aint no good at nothin cept making me smile thats bart . i thought my old ways i had shed but i sure missed his cylinder head now that boy has a come to me , oh , yes b a , now wheres that t . where is it . i dont know oh , thats bart . i really like you , bart simpson . ive come to take you back , mary . daddy . sorry , honey , your mother misses you but she just cant say it . thats cause the donkey busted her jaw . shell be fine . your mother too . all right , broadways too expensive , the museums are over curated, , but shakespeare in the park is tonight and the tickets are free . get your cuckolds horns , neck ruffles , yorik skulls . ill take a cuckolds horn . it works . ladies and gentlemen , i have an announcement . lad ies and gen tle , i have an thats not iambic pentameter . im afraid that tonights show has been cancelled . huh . why . wherefore . the baldwin brothers , who were , uh , playing the monague family and the sheenestevez clan , our capulets , have quit the production . you guys suck at acting and you ate all the potato salad . no , you suck at acting and its first come , first serve . i made that potato salad . well , uh , idiot , it says zaybars on the package . he works at zaybars . we all work at zaybars . im so sorry . you came to see romeo and juliet , not feuding families . uh , the long , slow line to leave the theatre forms on the left . aw , and we have to walk by a drum circle . faster , man . more annoying . not so fast . we came for shakespeare and were gonna see shakespeare . anyone who wants to be in this , grab a doublet and meet me backstage . is there , mayhaps , a bit of business for me . i was thinking amateurs only . well , my only professional job was playing a nefarious hot dog in an ad for taco bueno . you fresh made tacos will never defeat pre boiled hot dogs . please , i owe yale drama school . they keep calling my mother . fine . youre in . i must warn you , i have crippling stage fright . oh , for the love of god . for never was a story of more woe than this of juliet and her romeo . our search for culture is thus concluded , for the bard of avon is well suited to a crowd with every cell phone muted . geez , i cant stop talking like this . hey , dont ever stop . because , tonight , we made it in new york . those the people who took over the theatre . pepper spray and power wash  the new york hug and kiss . now , mary , you listen to me . im one third your father and youre gonna come back . if yall will excuse me , i gotta freshen up for the ride home . enjoy your fancy schmancy in house for the last time . psst . um , ive got to go . go where . uh , well , since were here , im gonna go try to get al rokers autograph . here you go , little fan . killer storm on the way . um , i gonna go try to sell this . ill buy it back . goodbye , bart , and dont worry , therell be other mary spucklers , including my sisters mary zeke and mary not quite right . aw . bart , if any girl tries to fix you , let em , because you got a couple of big problems . but mostly , youre great . boy , you tell me where marys gone . i cant . boy , you squeal like a piggy for the hillbilly man . i cant because marys the girl that proves that girls can like me . and she wouldnt like me anymore if i gave her up . so i wont , even if you torture me like you do the english language . well , if that aint arent the isnt . i guess i just gotta let mary find her own way . come on , lets head on back to springfield . uh , one on getter for the clickity clack , please . you miss her , dont you , son . you want a picture of her for your wallet . oh , shes somewhere in b  . thanks , man . aw , look at that . my little guys finally realizing how complicated grownup feelings can be . well , at least it didnt end as bad as romeo and juliet . no kidding . i saw your reviews . hey . i specifically said , no critics . this is outrageous . oh , but they like . i hope you enjoyed the show tonight . and if youre worried about when the air conditioner fell on my head , rest assured it was a stunt man , and his family is being well taken care of . but were here to ask if you have an idea for a couch gag . the best submission will be animated and appear on the show . do we screw them on the credit . no . for details , log on to thesimpsons . com . im submitting mine now . shh . springfield . unless we appease the gods anger with a human sacrifice . dont worry . we got a guy here we really been fattening up . is it you . not me . that guy . more cricket fajitas . oh , my brave , glutton . ill be so lonely when they sacrifice you to the gods . what .  . no one said anything about a sacrifice . although i did kind of space out during orientation . all right already , lets get this done while our doomed civilization is still flourishing here . oh . any words of comfort . oh , yeah , sure . even though you know its coming , when you see your own beating heart , try to act surprised , huh . its some kids first time . fear not , my beloved blood offering . i have a plan . tell me , high priest , are you interested in women . what priest isnt . before we make love , would you mind putting a sack over your head . is there any other way . nice and tight . now enter the room of pleasure , oh . and i shall join you shortly . now , uh , i got to warn you . im into rough stuff . oh , thats a good start , but , you know , make it hurt . heh . oh . that whooshing sound is really turning me oh . uh . oh , yeah . ah . quetzal h . coatl . we sacrificed the wrong person . now the earth will be destroyed after the th baktun . can you explain that in simple ancient mayan .  . of course . theres no need to shout and scream . lets see , uh , converting to base assuming for the birth of jesus , invent and then carry the leap year , and the world will end in . and it will be obamas fault . hey , uh , marge , im setting my watch . what baktun is it . oh . oh . what have we here . ow . what the hell . ow . ow . quimby welcome to the grand opening of our whatchamacallit , which , thanks to the lobbying of lisa simpson , we built instead of a new baseball stadium . at least the pennant works both ways . professor frink will now throw a switch , which will either answer certain obscure questions of subatomic physics or destroy the universe . oh , my god particle . what is it , professor . you can tell your grandchildren you were here when humanity finally learned that this accelerator is much too small to tell us anything important . thanks a lot , liser . that money couldve been used for a war . aah . no one takes willies mop . take the mop . take the mop . huh . a mini black hole . whee . oh , no . i got to take it away before more clueless kids fall into it . geronimo . wha . is rich . is poor and shack less . homer lisa , do you have a stray dog down there . um , its a lot worse than a stray dog . two stray dogs .  . its a black hole . that was gonna be my next guess . are you sure your next guess wasnt three stray dogs . maybe . homer a black hole .  . im sorry , can we call it that . yes . its the preferred term . and most scientists believe that what enters a black hole never comes out . but some think they may be a gateway to other universes . hey . could it open a pretzel bag for me . help a brother out , b . h . whoo hoo . doh . guys . stop throwing things in the hole . the more you throw in , the bigger and more dangerous it becomes . come on . you cant look at that infinitely dense little guy and not want to feed it something . dad , dont pat it . why shouldnt why you little im natures perfect choking machine . okay , thats it . im putting a baby gate across the black hole . and dont throw anything more into it . yes , homer . dad , thats creepy . sorry . i know we shouldnt feed this , but grease brings raccoons . gone , really gone cause you done me wrong done me wrong ah , huh . oh oh . quit bageling my english muffins . the black hole is looking a lot bigger . does anybody want to admit to throwing things in . no . not me . do we even still have that thing . and i have to ask , has anyone seen the cat . now what . okay , its possible someone may have started a business called magic craphole waste removal , but it wasnt me . ew . yar . yar , ar . stop . this is a black hole , not a lawn and bag . if one more thing gets in there , it could reach critical mass . i did it . i hit my first home run . lisa no . im still proud of you , buddy . and look . i got money to take you for pizza . you saw that i had the money , right . welcome , trans  dimensional visitors . we have received your many gifts with gratitude . nelson haw haw . we have built our society around the treasures you have sent . our most popular magazine is your presidents day mattress blowout insert . oufarite food is your banana peel . and we listen to all our music on the most wonderful device ever created , the zune . zune , . treasures . gifts . youve got it all wrong . that stuff is just our old wonderful stuff . enjoy it . aliens zune . day we bought this camera because strange things have been going on at our house in the dead of night . and if anyone finds this footage after were all missing or dead , remember me as a hero . dad , you forgot to pick me up after little league . you tossed your car keys in my bean plant . a hero . flanders homer , is that my camera . hero , away . night . want to snuggle . not with the camera on . uh , i turned it off . looks like the red lights on . i swear i am not filming . note to self  edit out my lies . oh . wait . dont kill the monster without me . homer im right behind you , honey . we have stairs . ow . doh . aah . doh . what the . ow . oh . ow . oh . homer what the . why is this happening to us .  . i dont know , i dont know . im sure i dont know . homer oh , sweetie . sometimes a mysterious , invisible being from hell waits for a family to go to sleep then kills them . now , go to bed . but uh uh . school night . now , youre sure i bought enough cameras and extended warranties to catch that ghost . sir , whatever happens in this house , these cameras will pick it up . oh , i cant wait for tonights massacre . hey , marge . mmm oh . like what you see , huh . mmm i like it when you dont say words . come here , you . mmm mmm eh , . yeah , thats hellfire , all right . someone in this family has made a deal with the devil , and now the devil wants his due . now , remember , this creature feeds on your fear what the hell was that .  . actually , he feeds on more than just fear . give back my baby . demon we had a deal . mom , whats going on .  . demon dont act so surprised , marge . you knew this day was coming . lets see what were dealing with here . its moe with wings . moe szyslak . come on , hes much more hideous and evil than me . i brought this on us all . it began when i was a girl hail satan . what are you doing . trying to summon the devil . why . nothing good on tv . we have no boyfriends . were bored . something to do . hail satan , the minister of sinister , rude dude with a bad tude . save us , marge . well never make fun of any man you date or marry . mmm . uh , mr . demon . mmm . could you come back for my sisters later . very well . you have years . but when i return , marge , i shall take your favorite child . i thought i was the favorite . not the favorite . not the favorite . listen , pal , you seem like an honest guy . mm . is there any other deal that you can accept . three way . hmm . you , me and marge . mmm , demon , you . i guess its one of those things a dad has to do . now , before we start , whats the safe word . cinnamon . oh , i like that . now , id like to try something new , if you dont mind . cinnamon . cinnamon . cinnamon . cinnamon . you know , its really not fair . youre charging bucks for a comic that says cents on the cover . the only way to buy that comic book for cents is to go back to . thats impossible . mmm . or is it . wow , it worked . my time machine has worked . this is the most fantastically powerful invention in mankinds history . here , kid , hold my keys while i grab some lunch . i wont be needing this . now to get my comic book and explore a world where no ones mad at george lucas . eh , pretty good . a little preachy . man well , if it isnt homer simpson and barney gumble . hmm . allow me , gentlemen . its homer . before his boobs came in . hey , homer . who are you . im your unwanted son from the future who killed all your fun . why , you little excuse me . is this room . let go of him . what kind of jerk strangles a little boy .  . would you go to the prom with me . promenade . with you . forget it , bub . it was love at first sight , and you ruined it . it was not love at first sight . what do you know . i know who im in love with . youre looking at him . youre an idiot . youre the idiot . dont act like im the first person that ever said that . you are the first person who ever said that . shut up and go to the prom with me . ay , caramba . if you guys dont get together , what does that mean for me in the future . i dont exist .  . or my life might be a hell of a lot better . maam , whatever you do , not marry that ape . mmm . whatever you say , little boy . come here . now , to return to a future where im either rich or allowed to stand in front of a rich guys house . either way , better than now . stupid kid steals my future . well , im going to ice cream with cookie dough .  . unnecessarily big tvs . thursday night football . and the globe feels so warm . i am in awe of the future . okay , thats not so great . heres your smoothie , sweetheart . why would i suck smoothie when i can suck face with you , mrs . artie ziff . my dad is artie ziff . indeed . which makes you barty ziff . oy , caramba . achem . good morning , beloved son . enjoy your luxurious life , including your own bully butler . will that be haw haw, , sir . give yourself a wedgie . excellent choice . ive met some jive turkeys in the s , but that turkeys the jivest . hey , you . this is my peeping tree . young me . what brings you to the present . i traveled through space and time to make marge settle for me because she doesnt know better . well , if we put our heads together , we could think of a plan . i got to ask , what happened . was i in a forest fire or something . no i love my life , i love it not . i love my life , i love it not . youre just like indiana jones , son . a role played by richard dreyfuss in our universe . im here to take my life back . i thought this might happen , so i mastered brazilian jujitsu . crawl atop me , and meet your doom . not so fast . say hello to the united federation of homers through history . crush them in the name of jebus . okay , guys , lets regroup . well come back with more homers and start fresh in the morning . oh , whats she doing here . ill tell you what im doing . im realizing that i married the wrong man . oh , you poor , sweet , simple homers . i was supposed to be with all of you . even you , caveman homer . thats renaissance homer . well , cardinal or cannibal , i wish that years ago , i had chosen love . mmm let me get this straight . none of you had time to take out the garbage . make egyptian slave homer do it . its always me . springfield . why do we have to choose our leaders . isnt that what we have the supreme court for . if youre gonna vote , well need some photo i . d . but i lived here all my life . stopping all americans from voting is for the protection of all americans . but im a white guy who didnt go to college and gets all his news from monitors at gas stations . in you go . barack obama . i dont know . i already got one wife telling me to eat healthy . plus he promised me death panels , and grandpas still alive . mitt romney . i hear he wears magic underpants . i expect the leader of the free world to go commando . plus his horse totally choked at the olympics . on the other hand , he did invent obamacare . computer voice thank you for voting for mitt romney . you may now see his tax returns . wow . medical deduction for personality implant . hes got six wives all named ann . the government paid him taxes for five years . ive got to tell the press . computer voice you are now being outsourced . oh , i hate being sucked into tubes . well , at least i got a steady job . doh . oh . hummingbirds , hum and get it . homie , the faucet is dripping . ill get right on it . homer , when are you going to fix this faucet . im on it . are you going to fix the faucet or not . for the third time this year , yes . hmpf . ill get to it , marge . ill get to it when we first got married , hed only take six months to do things . mom , how come you didnt do my homework last night . oh , no . lisas face , its the same . everyone , relax . i think ive got an emergency sinkhole kit in here somewhere . oh . air his oh , man , i got to climb stairs . forget it . no one stays in the sinkhole . lousy surface dwellers . so , what seems to be the problem . springfielders are getting that sinking feeling as the dangerous sinkhole continues to expand . while this sinkhole is larger than the sarlacc pit which swallowed boba fett , it is smaller than the geonosis battlerena where jango fett was beheaded by mace windu . werent those two places about the same size . i didnt know this was an ambush . eh , you know , in this town , you learn to adjust to things runaway monorails , nascar star jeff gordon . hey , moe . hey . bet we never see him again . im gonna call it a day , moe . hey , . that planks only for coming in . try to land on the other traitors . people of springfield , please be cool like lou . yo . we will eliminate one eyesore with another by bulldozing our tire fire right into the sinkhole . but my cars down there . for the first time , my administration has solved a problem . the hole has been filled by the thing it fears most stuff . so , just when my dad finishes his online degree in sinkhole engineering , they go and fill it in . are the credits transferable . no . that guy has a bone to pick with the board of regents . hey , lisas not getting on the bus . wheres she going . i dont know . dork farm . who cares . she never doesnt do what shes supposed to . this is major . fine . well follow her . well , if theyre not taking the bus , neither am i . im going to a accident . lisas taking a cab . im worried . does she even know how much to tip . whats it say . the five boxing wizards jump quickly . whoa . my sisters finally become mildly interesting . sounds like a case for the detecti pals . taxi . ah , they never stop for blue heads . hello , maam . are you and your husband here to look for a new car . no , im here to buy one myself . uh huh . well , i think the tissan sensibla is the car for you . its got all the features that a modern woman wants , including all manner of makeup mirrors . this car looks a little small . is the engine powerful . wow , somebody knows her cars . this baby comes with an rx  . well , thats odd , because the consumer web site says the rx  has a dealers invoice of . you know what im gonna do . im gonna talk to my manager . this says you are the manager . those web sites are taking food out of my childrens mouths . it says on your facebook page you have no kids . i have two yorkies , and ill be talking about you to them tonight . i got to hand it to you , marge . you got the exact amount of car for our family . room for two adults , three kids and zero grandpas . mm hmm . uh oh . do you hear that rattle . i dont hear anything . me , neither . and whats that smell . i think its new car smell . well , i dont like it . i still smell it . darn car wont start . let automobile von bismarck give it a try . well hmm . well , it wouldnt start for me . i think this cars a lemon . worst car ever . i cant believe it . hmm marge the wipers wipe backwards , and the defroster lines on the back window are too close together . excuse me . sir , the car is fine . can i be straight with you . mm hmm . as a mechanic , im not totally qualified to judge mental health so , youre not totally unqualified . i think the problem is in your wifes head . mm hmm . theres a psychological reason why she hates this car . oh , a reason . what could it be . im sorry , but theres no diagnostic computer for the female mind . wow , an auto mechanic who tells the truth . mmm . if you want me to examine your wife overnight , i can arrange a loaner . shes an yugo . i dont do laundry or kiss boo boos . uh , no , thanks . marge . mm hmm . do you think maybe theres another reason you dont like this car . um , a feelings reason . what are you talking about . well , maybe you and the car got off on the wrong foot . when do you think things first went wrong . all right . i remember we all got in . and by the way , that backseat is pretty tight for the kids . i mean , i dont know what wed do if we had another baby . with this car , were basically saying no more babies . no , marge . i want you to explore your feelings . homer , the reason i hate this car is i think i want another baby . an on purpose baby .  . i do . oh , i really wish i had fixed that faucet . homie , i want another baby . what about , you know , stinky . maggies not a baby . her soft spots been skulled over for the last three months . being a mom is who i am , and im not done being who i am . okay , homer , dont speak . if you must make a sound , whistle . when your wife looks at you full of hope , with an idea that would destroy life as we know it just smile , nod and stall , until she changes her mind . whatever you want , sweetie . well , take a shower , cause were gonna try it tonight . all right . try it means sex . whoo hoo . homer , why do you take a three second pause before you answer what i say . just appreciating how lucky i am to be with you . what a wonderful thought . boxing wizards . boxing wizards . whats she up to . lets settle this like adults . wands down . maybe i should go on antipsychotic meds . bart . what are you doing in my room .  . lowering your blinds . id hate for your carpet to fade . what are you doing tuesdays and thursdays after school . what do you do tuesdays and thursdays after school . write stupid stuff on the chalkboard . and if you have any ideas , im really running out . todays was mousetraps are not slippers or something . now , what are you up to . a gentleman doesnt ask , and a lady doesnt tell . can i use that on the chalkboard . i guess . gentleman doesnt ask , lady doesnt tell . now all i need is one for martin luther king day . my husband and i have been snuggling six ways from sunday and let me tell you , a towel rack will not support your weight . but we arent making a baby . i thought we should check to make sure homer has you know , working stuntmen in his cannon . you were wise to check , marge . what do you mean . take a look at this . homer oh xs for eyes . i guess thats that , then . honey , i am so sorry . i guess well just have to learn to love the three children we have . oh bart lisas going somewhere after school two days a week , and all we have are boxing wizards . if were gonna find out what lisas up to , ill need the help of all her old boyfriends . guess weve all carried the same books , huh , guys . she carried mine . this just became a tree house of horrors . whoa . milhouse its okay . i landed on a mattress . whatever it is , shes in over her head . way over . we got to save that poor girl . uh anyone know how we get home . we got bigger problems . its father mike . tura lura lural i cant believe were never going to have another child . is everything okay over here . sorry , guys . private family moment . no , its okay . we can share this with you . homer cant make a baby because he nuked his swimmers . aw , thats a shame . yeah . thats why i wrap my plums in tinfoil every day . eh , nothing we can do . hey , homer what if you got back one of those samples you sold years ago at the shelbyville sperm bank . you never told me about that . its true . thats how i got the money to buy you your necklace . aw ew . homie . we still have a chance . okay , homer . this is the moment of truth . youve got to tell marge you really dont want another kid . i , uh hope its twins . eh , how bad could it be . now , im thinking alex if its a girl and xander if its a boy . uh oh . she picked names . who puts this much thought into having a baby . stall , . hey , uh hmm why dont we take the longer but nicer historic route . then today will be nothing but beautiful memories . okay . homer watch it . oh , a christmas ornament museum . can we stop . okay , but just for a minute . we want to hit the candle store , fudgerama , the zipper hall of fame , snow globe world and the taj meatball . i think that shiva used to be paul bunyan . whats detention doing here . i need to know whats up with lisa . if her grades drop , were not technically a school were a tornado shelter with voting booths . nothing exceptional here . except blue reinforcements . only one person ive ever known uses these my predecessor , principal meredith milgram . follow me , but be warned theres no permission slip for what were doing . woman a quick movement of the enemy will jeopardize six gunboats . thats about three more jeopardized gunboats than id expect . thank god we brought the bus driver . huh . seymour , what are you doing here . taking four children across town to investigate a piece of paper we found on the ground . dont you have better things to do . sadly , no . same old seymour . i know why theyre here . because they cant let me have a secret . it drives them crazy . lisa cursive writing . im learning cursive . all these sentences have every letter of the alphabet in them . oh , dont they teach those fancy squiggles at school . uh , we do not . outmoded , no room in the budget , and all the teachers forgot how to make a capital q . two loops and a flourish . luckily , a few brave students still want to learn . i hope youre happy . you all just wasted your time working your way into an afterschool class . what fun . i cant believe we spent the whole day here . and i got to try every flavor of candy cane white and red . well , maybe we should check into a motel . marge oh , homie , youve lost weight . homer whats that , baby . wha . ill take it from here , wingman . oh , it sure was nice to have a day together as a couple . yeah , no kids to ruin it . i thought the whole point of this trip was to have another baby . marge , i was just being a good husband by pretending to agree with you while secretly undermining your agenda . so , you dont want another baby . how long have you felt this way . uh , well , looking back , i guess it started sometime before bart was born . room for one , please . honey , im sorry . its just that we have a hard enough time handling three kids . emotionally , financially , the boy i just didnt know how to tell you . just yell across the house like you do everything else . okay , good , were talking . were not talking . your phone just dialed me . you were pocket dialed . hey , the pocket wants what it wants . oh they just leave the maple syrup on the table , huh . how about that . thats trust , huh . shush . man now , kids , help your brother xander . there he is . the fat , pathetic slob id be with four kids . wheres daddy . whered daddy go . here he is . oh , right . that dad was there all along . whew . that was so sweet . maybe theres no such thing as too many kids . marge i know what homers thinking . hes thinking that he really wants a baby now . so this should be the time , ironically , that ill change my mind and not want one . well , no way . i want one more than ever . uh oh . i dont think i rewound the video the last time i was here . um , id like to get back a donation made years ago by a simpson , homer . or it may be under the name thad supersperm . homer this is the point where i really have to know what you want . ill tell you what i want , marge . i want to make another simpson . the table with four legs is sturdier than the table with three . cubes are made of cheese , but pyramids are schemes . and anything thats half you is guaranteed perfect . oh nice speech , but the last of your sample was just selected by another couple . are you sure there isnt more . i mean , theres always a little ketchup left in the bottle . im afraid not . but the couple is waiting in the room there . maybe you can talk them into something else . aah . oh . id like to buy back my sample . are you saying our sample came from you . here , its yours . we dont need it . well , i expected a little argument . no , look in the mirror  thats your argument . geez . i mean , im no luis guzman , but im all right . homer . how many samples did you sell . uh remember that corvette i had . i thought they only paid a trip . exactly . well , were all set . lets make a thad supersperm jr . with a name like that , he could be president . homie , maybe we should wait . wha . maybe theres enough homer in the world for now . oh . but i was really looking forward to oh boy . uh youre right , marge . i dont want to bring more kids into a world full of my kids . yah . two adults , please . enjoy the film , you two . another thing that would be harder with four kids . you know , i always send the theater manager a check the next day . doh . all doh . springfield . the piggly wiggums . the bumble buggy . the greed hornet . dr . groom . glasgow a . hick dastardly and the franken continental . well be sitting pretty at the finish line . beat ya . doh . pushy sign . dont tell me what to try . homer . dr . hibbert told you to eat healthier . i dont recall that . well , i do . eat healthier . you too , julius . i heard you were at lorettas diner on catfish friday . how do you know that . you got your brother following me . chester needs a job . i paid him to build a shed . where is my shed , bernice . one onion rings , please . can i borrow ten bucks from the cash register . ive gotta get drunk before a party . excuse me . a homeless man is giving himself a sink bath . karate class is here and hungry . you got any scented candles . ow . this is the worst pain imaginable . this ones cold . mr . simpson , your injury was no accidnte , it was neglignce . my burns have affected our intimacy because all night , i talk about how much money im going to make from the lawsuit . money . what i am concerned about is your burns . they have healed much too quickly . sit still while i give your head the third degree . oh , god . it hurts worse than the burns . yes , these are special acid markers . homer simpson , you shall receive after legal fees . pay up , krusty . it wasnt even my place . man , i got a bad lawyer . so , uh , what are you gonna do with the money , homer . well , thought bubble marge said we should put it in a college fund for lisa . so wheres the money now . i put it in the bank . that place is great . on their wall , they had a photo with an old couple walking on the beach with their pants rolled up . uh , homer , we all wanna walk on a beach with our pants rolled up , but , uh , banks are not as safe as they used to be . yeah , when you give the bank your money , they lend it to other people . i saw a sesame street about it . kermit was wearing his trench coat and everything . wait , the frog in the trench coat is kermit , too . all the frogs on that show are kermit . keeps all the other frog actors out of work . that settles it . no banks for me . ill tell you where you should put your money . the one safe place left in this world of woe what the . im not gonna gamble with my daughters future . nah , you dont have to bet the money . the poker website just keeps it nice and safe , where the fdic cant get its grubby little hands on it . a poker site is now safer than an american bank . has our nation  built on people suing because their onion rings were too hot  come to this . hey , . dont you badmouth this country . compared to the rest of the third world , were doin great . open file , click and invested . hey , lisa , check out your college fund . you put my college fund on a poker site .  . its a classy operation . see . the little dealers wearing a bow tie  cute . wellat least i have a college fund . on a poker site . more importantly , its a college fund . on a poker site . dad , please . sorry . check out my new t shirt . where did you get that shirt . ive had it for a long time . i was just about to throw it out , and then this happened . mwah . thats one way to avoid drunk driving . another way is dont drink . im not superman . homie , do you know what yesterday was . ha . of course i do . happy anni birth entine shark week . yesterdays the day we were supposed to visit grampa . what the .  . stupid calendar . first you put the fourth of july on sunday , and now this . oh , were gonna discuss this later . okay , remember the plan apologize to grampa . then when he wants us to take him out to lunch , point to the leftovers , tell him we already did , but he forgot . i still feel guilty . your fathers not going to be around forever . marge , you take that back . fine , hell be around forever . you take that back . were here to see abe simpson . abe simpson .  . uh , excuse me . im very sorry to tell you your father is missing . missing .  . what kind of a prison are you people running here . if its any consolation , well probably find him when the river thaws in the spring . a lot of bobbers then . theres gotta be a clue in here somewhere . spats , sock garters , the worlds hardest hard candy oh , its hopeless . this room is like a museum of meaningless old crap . by which i mean every museum . grampas army footlocker . i bet the most important things in the world to him are in this box . so precious look at that , a mans whole life being kicked around on the floor . marge spiros the place that changed my life flimsy lead , take me away . okay , baby , lets see the flop . damn it . lost again . are you playing poker with my college fund . im only down . not counting my tips to the waitresses . get your hands off my future . fine , . new low , even for this family . college fund on a poker site . im just gonna log right out . hm . get out of here . huh . two queens . thats a great start . well , maybe i can just win the back . four queens . yes . yes . gambling , eh . satans most potent recruiting tool . all due respect , mr . flanders , could i have a little privacy . please . thank you . yeah . up . time to play with house money . or time to walk away from the table . shoo . how did he . cant let lisa lose her sense of wonder . excuse me , have you seen this man . we dont like questions , man . yeah , but im just trying to get information , like a nosey reporter or an undercover cop . whatd he say about a cop . or a spy from a rival gang . hey , what are you doing . abe simpson used to work here . put him down . ow . welcome to spiros . i am spiro . not the spiro on the sign . thats my brother . did you say my dad worked here . yes , in the old days . when people ate steak , drank champagne , and the music oh , the music . i hated the music . hmm simpson . i pay you to clean tables , not to write songs . and you , marvin hamlisch , i pay you to write songs , not to clean tables . what can i say . i like to pitch in . my heart does the two step when you waltz in the place homer wait a minute . my dad was an aspiring songwriter like charles manson . i never knew that . you know who would sound good singing that song . me . rita lafleur singing one of my tunes .  . can a busboys life get any better . my heart does the two step when you waltz in the place yeah , my ticker beats quicker when i look at your face yeah , youd better call the doctor before we embrace busboy , that breadbasket napkins so opened up , you can see everything . disgusting . youre fired . hey , you cant do that . i just turned sweet on him . yeah . be sweet on him in your own sweet time . why did i ever leave greece . oh , thats right , cause its a train wreck . i never saw either of them again . if you find your dad , tell him sorry from spiro papadapaconstanti  kasgianopolop odopotopolis . got it . papadapaconstanti kasgianopolop odopotopolis . now , what was that singers name again . rita lafleur . rita la what . lafleur . one more time . ugh . ill write it down for you . thank you mr . papadapaconstanti  kasgianopolop odopotopolis . theres exactly one rita lafleur living in springfield . thats where we live . hello . rita lafleur . did you know a man named abe simpson . know him . im married to him . homer , shes married to your dad . whoo hoo . i get two christmases . ive read every expert on poker , and watched jennifer tillys dvd . start with your senses marnie . use the little girl voice , and take them for everything theyve got . now , im need on the set of bride of chucky v . time is money . money is money . and money is college , which can lead to more money someday , but who knows anymore . tim , what are you doing . bible trivia . youve been doing that an awful lot lately . the bible is rich with trivia . i cant believe my dad never told me he had another wife . the man i looked up to my whole life . you never looked up to him . well , its a good thing i didnt because id be pretty devastated right now . i cant believe youre here . id finally gotten over your father just a week and ago , and then you two show up . well , we certainly dont want to cause you any more pain . but we need to know everything , no matter how shameful . and fast . i understand , but this is hard . yeah . well , just what attracted you to my father . beneath his mediocrity there was genius . then a layer of anger . then a beautiful soul . then some more anger . a lot of layers . after we were fired from spiros , we teamed up for more than music . oh , abe . yeah . marge mm , that kind of romance leads to children . rita faster than youd think . i was alive when my dad knew you . alive , but very clueless . so this was after homers mother left . i love men on the rebound . they always think theyve done something wrong and they usually come with furniture . my dad had furniture .  . i dont know him at all . rita one day , when we were walking through proposal park , abe popped the question . we got married in the city hall , across from the prettiest church you ever seen . then tragedy struck . homerhey , im starting to remember why i dont remember so much . we celebrated in your hospital room . our first night together as a family . we didnt know it would be our last . hello . abe . they want to book us on a european tour . thats fine , doll . real fine . why , well you know , europes no place for a six year . he can handle volt , but would kill him . but making music is my dream , abe . our dream . i know , sugar tomato , but im all the family this boys got . if i dont take care of him now , hell forget the day hes supposed to come and see me when im old . are you okay , daddy . well of course im okay . im with you . good bye, , rita . this is why life comes before love in the dictionary . aw , thanks , son . now to make sure neither of us ever remember this . oh , my god . i never knew the sacrifices my father made . move over , fonzie . ive got a new hero . i never saw abe again . but i thought you still loved him . life isnt all major chords . sometimes you gotta hit the minor keys . what does that mean . i got super addicted to heroin . yeah . okay , education paid for , with a gap year to find myself . every nerve in my body is screaming cash out now , and yet ive got a pair of aces . ha . full house . aces over threes . take that , rich texan and sideshow bob springfield penitentiary  hah . im going all in . aw , doggone it . i give up . its like kenny rogers most famous line this is a bad piece of chicken . he didnt fold . but thats insane unless he has four threes .  . oh , no . no no , . ive lost , ive lost everything . we can all hear you . please log off . aw , come on , lise . no gambling story has a happy ending except seabiscuit . but you never hear about the ruined lives of the people who bet against him . oh , god this is the worst thing thats ever happened to me . i was ivy . strong ivy . oh , man , this is priceless , but i cant keep it up . youve still got a college fund . what are you talking about . im sideshow bob . ive been using his avatar to play poker and trash his favorite restaurants on yelp . and i saved your vegetarian bacon . oh , my god . you won the pot . you must have nearly a million dollars . i can go to college and live like a kennedy . listen , after i won , the website found out we were both under so were back to the original . shame . shame . did you give the money back to the people who lost it . good bye . well , back to square one is a major victory in this house , but why did you help me . come on . tell me . because i actually like you and felt sorry for you . what .  . you did . forget i said anything . sure . i have the ending for my memoir . im sorry i couldnt help you find your father . if you find him , tell him i can still do this . yeah . holy moley . and tell him to put on a splash of this . thats dads cologne . i always thought it was his old man stink . when i knew him , it was young man musk . man , youre making me hot for my dad . only place in town that still sells chicory mist . after people found out its squirrel sweat , they sorta stopped buying . listen , do you know this man . let me ask around . abe , you seen this guy . oh , i know him . hes a man who has no son . dad . abe , we were so worried . dad , promise me youll never wander off and make us explore your fascinating past again . i didnt wander off , ya big fat salami . i ran away . what .  . you think im boring , and you never visit me , and i got sick of waitin for ya . so i got a job and found a new dump to live in and i didnt tell you about it , so at least that way i know youre not coming . grampa , we will never miss a visit again . and therell be a lot more of them . and i dont think youre boring . its just that in todays multichannel environment , you have too many great choices . look at sunday night . theres , like , eight amazing shows . none of them on fox . well when you put it that way , all right . i cant say all is forgiven , but most is forgotten . aw i guess my honky tonkin days are over . what the .  . someones playin my tune . dont take grampas meds . im payin for em . hey , abe . good to see you again . rita . you look dynamite . and you look like you could use a good ironing , but i still love you . take a seat . yeah . my heart does the two step when you waltz in the place yeah , my ticker beats quicker when i look at your face yeah , youd better call the doctor before we embrace . yeah homer thats how wolves die in the wild . springfield . diddily asterisk , pound sign , at sign , exclamation point . dont worry , the holy rollers are still up by one on the pin pals . moe gentlemen , prepare to meet your various makers , there . cause we got one last frame by our new anchorman , dan gillick . thank god otto had that psychotic break and quit the team . is this the bridge to terabithia . its beautiful . le jours ou mon frisbee a atterrie dans votre jardin ft le jours le plus heureux de ma vie and when you threw your son after it , i enjoyed meeting him , too . hes a good boy . sorry , guys . emergency meeting at work . oh , please , i am missing eight birthday parties for this . just granny throw it . keep my ball . well , looks like the faithful have defeated a hedonist , a hindu and a what are you . you know when your dogs having a bad dream . thats who i pray to . boys , im afraid the government has finally caught up with me and my appeals are exhausted . tomorrow , i begin serving jury duty . thats a tough break , boss . dont sign petitions outside the grocery store no more . i felt bad for the guy , sitting there at his little card table . anyway , i must name a temporary replacement . your temporary don is our accountant , dan . fat tony , a word . how about meringue . thats a great word , but im just a numbers guy , and the only reason i say numbers guy instead of wharton mba is cause i want to blend in . i know what im doing . we are bleeding red ink , which is the only thing we should not be bleeding . hey , listen , everyone , i know a good ice breaking exercise . lets all say something that we are afraid of . for me , its you guys . im afraid i might kill this guy right now . ring , . is that my phone . i think it is . hello . yes , sweetie , its daddy . listen , how would you feel if i just disappeared . sad , right . sad . okay , you know what . ill tell the guys . shes crying , guys . cassidy is crying . well , i hope you feel proud of yourself . cassidy is a girls name now . i know this music . it was a bugs bunny . oh , what i wouldnt give for an anvil to fall on me . doh . shh . here comes lisas solo . this is why im a season subscriber . lisa . when i prayed for this concert to be over , i didnt mean like this . i did . wheres the school nurse . here i am . budget cuts . lisa , i suspect you fainted because you thought justin bieber was in the audience . well , once again , laughter is the worst medicine . young lady , youre not getting enough iron . please say its the vegetarianism . its not the vegetarianism . its a little bit the vegetarianism . lisa , if you must forgo meat , i advise you to take these iron supplements . its like swallowing dollhouse furniture . gentlemen , look at what we are spending every month just on olive oil . we love our bread dipping . okay , cant touch the bread dipping . heres what joey the arsonist thinks of your spreadsheet . heh . ha ha . this is fun . but you know what . there is a cost cutting measure id like to propose if you put a horses head in someones bed , dont let the rest of the animal go to waste . for the next guy , use the horses leg . or a couple of hooves . believe me , there is no part of a dead horse thats not gonna scare someone . okay , good stopping point . aah . okay was that real . a kids never lonely when he has bologna . except me . youre that simpson kid , bart , right . lisa . i just see mouths . cant handle the iron pills . all day i have vitamin burps . try this  its what keeps me young . mmm , tasty . love the texture . what is it . beetle mush . but im a vegetarian . so am i . lots of committed vegetarians eat insects . really . get real . theres bug parts in peanut butter . and every year , the average american eats eight spiders in his sleep . its all here in this book . this is such a big step . better decide soon , kid . the union said i cant talk to a student this long . mmm , that is good grub . but i promised paul mccartney i wouldnt eat meat . and i promised paul mccartney i wouldnt sleep with john . so , youre saying youd rather do the prettiest dude in the world than the ugliest broad . absolutely . but how did we get here from discussing aristotles poetics . moe well , if it isnt mr . work comes before bowling . i am turning my back because i cant stand to look you in the face . oh . you . part of my new rice wine promotion . so , now you think you can just waltz in here and buy everybody a beer . i didnt say that i too late . i already poured . oh , sorry , guys . i got the kind of job that you just cant play hooky from . well , i have no idea what you do or who you work with , but i am sure if you put your foot down on their throats and grind until you hear a crunch , theyll sit up straight . really . youre sure about this . oh , hey , listen , i learned a lot about human nature by watching things through secret cameras . uh huh . all right , then . okay . well see about that bread dipping . thank you . thank you for giving me an attitude . thank you for giving me an edge . or maybe its groveling that works . hmm . eh , six of one . frink attention , gourmands of all things creepy and crawly . please welcome long time squisher , first time eater , lisa simpson . delighted . hey , waiter , theres no fly in my soup . sorry . little more . little more . perfect . just a once , why cant they go to applebees . okay , fellas . this time , why dont i do the cutting . what are you doing . i talk with that hand . well , youre gonna lose it if you keep charging your manicures to us . if you dont like it , tough tortellini . and while were at it , no more tortellini . im dominating you . anyone got a problem . huh .  . kenny the problem . im good . whats this i hear about no more tortellini . only for christmas and funerals . no , please , i need a the money . shes a pay for my  how you say . english lessons . my name a luigi . i live at a one, , main a street . so , if im growing grasshoppers to eat , am i farmer or a rancher . there are going to be a lot of heated blogs on this topic . marge lisa , dinnertime . lisa eats bugs . bart . this is america . anyone can eat what they want as long as they eat too much . lisa , would you like some shrimp . hmm . you know shrimp arent all that removed from grasshoppers . theyre both arthropods . oh , you did that to help me out . not sure what your motivation for that is . lunch break . make this quick . i finally got a chair by the window . im afraid the little bulgarian lady will take it . bottom line , tone , i cut expenses . as my more ruthless cousin on wall street would say , cut another . but the only other cuts left are personnel . there are redundancies . like shotgun pete , shotgun mike , ronnie the rifle , shotgun the rifle all good men , but some must go . i agree . i will announce the layoffs . welcome to the dole , boys . you jedrool , in our business , you dont lay them off , you lay them out . right . what . oh , boy . oh , boy . oh , boy , you mean , kill them . im sorry , i didnt mean to shout . damn , she eats a quick lunch . got to go . nice breeze , huh . you have breasts like woman , but cannot give suck . quit saying that . get along , little buggies . if i may , just one question . why are you eating us . you dont feel any pain . wha .  . who told you that . um i just assumed . this is what youve been dipping in chocolate . nooo . im afraid sooo . nooo . sooo . oh , thank god . just a dream . ive been meat walking . bart , i cant eat bugs anymore . please , take my grasshoppers as far away as you can and release them into the wild . okay , but when i grow up and im living on your couch , and i drink all your booze , and sell your jewelry , you got to be cool . ill be cool . but i will not be sharing my mini fridge with homer . hes there too . almost eh , free is free . he wants me to kill them . sorry , . first of all , hi . hi , dan . secondly , remember when you asked who i worked for and i wouldnt say im a mob boss . im running fat tonys gang while hes on jury duty . doodie . homer , thats not the shocking part . oh . he wants me to kill a bunch of guys . ive got a gun . look . oh , my god . you want me to help you escape . no . i want you to stop me from doing it . you wha .  . i want to do it , homer . its the ultimate business model . in my business , i try not to be seen . im scary good at it . homer . mmm . everythings led to this . i remember , the first time i fired someone face to , i cried . i cried . saved the tear . please stop . i just wanted my frisbee back from your yard . they fired me for not being tough . i had learned that in order to succeed , you must disregard the dangerous distraction of being human . and it brought me here . you scratch a businessman and you get a coldblooded killer . well , ive been scratched . this is how i get out of doing the dishes . come on , buddy , why would you want to be a murderer . i dont know . my training , this opportunity , its like a perfect storm . i hate that expression . so overused . okay , i dont i dont know why i said it . i was scared . i needed a response . it was a perfect storm . say something original . uh , greek thing , uh , grand b banana of far na of f forever thing , bleeks blah blah, , a comma a com a commonality beret burrito . oh , it looks like a kidnapping in progress , chief . you always frame everything in the worst possible light . chief , can i ask  why do you want to be a policeman . adrenaline junkie . my dad used to tie me up when the ice cream truck went by . and now theres no amount of ice cream that will make me feel full , so this should work . yeah . thats right . tie them tighter . mmm . oh , thats good . oh , that burns . could you please not sound like you like it so much . sorry . im into a lot of weird stuff . now stay down here and ill be back every hour with food . and every six hours with food for you . thanks , man . preciate it . ah , look . i have company . hello . hello to you and your friend . its a party . im going to call you buggy , and ill call you  please dont go in my mouth . all right , you can go in my mouth . just dont lay egg announcer we now return to afi presents the greatest movie screams . number from teen wolf too classic . someone must be watching on another tv . dan the bug . i really think thats coming from our house . will you stop saying things thatll make me have to do something . announcer next , weve got three screams from scream . that was four screams . stupid afi . boy , never go into their directors training program . how about the disney minority program . now , how would you qualify for that . im the son of an oaf . have fun getting coffee for roy disney the third . dinnertime . i know youre hungry . i can hear you rubbing your legs together and oh , my god . i never thought homer simpson would be a part of the day of the locust . thanks . now , turn around and get on your knees . are you gonna shoot me in the back of the head . no , i just know it takes you so long to get up ill have plenty of time to escape . ill fix that later . your honor , we have reached a verdict . johnny tightlips . give me one reason why i shouldnt kill you right now . theres a great one , but youll never get it out of me . on vacation , he digs wells in darfur . damn it . we find the defendant alex trebek and now its time for final jeopardy . pay attention , players . the category is you think youre so smart , alex trebek . i remember when you were alphonse trebagoogoo . homer stop . make me . come on . you said we were gonna see somebody get shot . not guilty . ill have your money in an hour . dan . how do you keep finding me . you really should tweet less . but everyone deserves to know what im thinking all the time . just listen , if you kill those guys , youll be as bad as they are . i dont think so . theyve killed a lot of people , and they tell their wives theyre working , but theyre really just hanging out . look , just give me the gun before you hurt somebody . give it to me . oh , i cant kill you . i knew you were weak . if you think im so weak , give me back the gun . you are weak , but no . lets see how weak i am with the gun . no , i dont want to . give me the gun . i dont want to see it . youre making my mad and i want to shoot you now . i dont have to see it . huh .  . give it to me . i can imagine it . give me the gun . no . come on , weakling , get it from me . im not you want im not weak with the gun . yeah , well , yeah , but see whos got it now . when i have a gun , im not weak at all . yeah , well , you aint so clean up on aisle me . okay , mom , i think thats far enough . finally , a place where you can spread your wings and hop . were free . no , im still gonna figure this out . there was a corner here . david damn it , judy , let me have this . so , tone , youre sure you didnt order those fiduciary  related whacks . the important thing is we have severely cut costs by reducing the number of our guns to one . and i have it . any further questions . can i have the gun . no . what happened to our friend mr . gillick . i dont know . but once your finger has felt the itch of a trigger , there is no relief till said trigger has been squeezed . sometimes late in life you find your calling . the heft of the gun , the trigger in your hand can you hurry this up , please . my daughters got cheerleading practice . oh , i i can go fast . ba da boom . could you please not do that . is there some kind of problem here . and if not , can you do my belly button . need some place to hang my badge at the sauna . shh . springfield . baseball announcer its the world series , two outs , bottom of the ninth . yes , were at the point where baseball becomes mildly interesting . can homer simpson , fresh off an anxiety dream about not studying for a high school test , come into this dream and knock one out of the park . and whoda thunk it . were food too . and apparently im married to a pork chop and have drumstick children . how did that happen . baseball announcer were back the pitcher , steroid santa claus , kicks and deals . its a long fly ball , going back . back . and the ball shatters the sky , bringing the ocean itself down into the stadium . whoa , simpson just broke this dreams reality wide open . the groundskeepers are trying to put on the tarp , but it turned into a manta ray and stung them all . now , well be right back after this word from oxygen , which homer desperately needs to live . marge homer . the roof is leaking . waters coming in the house , and weve got carpet mushrooms . dad , all the jury summons you buried in the back yard are coming back up . while you were out there daydreaming , this rain has ruined the house . marge , in a crisis like this , i need time for quiet contemplation . whats wrong , homer . you got an expression on your face i aint never seen before . like one of them charlie brown wiggle frowns . im in an abusive relationship with life . it keeps beating the hell out of me , and im too cowardly to leave it . maybe i could drink myself to death . eh , well , you cant . your tolerance is too high . man , ive never seen homer looking this bad . youre right . he needs some professional help . oh yeah oh , someone is down in the duff . life is too fragile . one minute youre lying in your hammock drinking beer , the next thing you know youre sittin here drinkin beer . homer , your bleak outlook has sent a smooth , icy chill down ah , screw it . i quit . janette , cheryl , get your own ride home . aw , come on , chief . ive had a rotten day . cant you help me out . sorry , im afraid the most i can do is pretend to drive you home . okay , now hop on my imaginary motorcycle arms around my belly um , im gonna need you to chip in for gas . argh . this is where the pretending ends . oh now what . youre coming with us to the school fundraiser . can this day get any worse . the dogs got the mumps . dogs cant get mumps . well , then , explain this . the only thing we know is itll cost . oh . willie , i love your chaps . me pants are ripped out . i dont care for silent auctions . it just encourages hovering . oh mm hmm oh . you know you just pushed it up to list price . you know that , right . edna , im not one for costumes , but i sure do like that feather in your hair . i like how you make me feel good about the littlest things . its just you and me tonight , buttermilk . whoa . howdy , pardners , im much obliged to yall for comin out to the ol corral here skinner . people want to get home . speak regular . fine , well start the raffle and skip the things no one wants , like art projects by your children or a spaghetti dinner with the van houtens . so lets get right to the item im sure youre waiting for the latest mapple mypad . i could do my cyber bullying on the bus . remember when me gettin a cell phone was a big deal . i bought you a ticket for the mypad raffle , dad . aw , thats tooth fairy money down the drain , sweetie . i never win anything . its always some stupid jerk youve never heard of . and the winner is here it comes homer simpson . get him . i mean , woo hoo . i just want to say i was having the worst day of my life . three cheers for homer , minus the one we gave him already . okay , what else free tibet . you heard me . free him now . thank you . oh , my luck has changed . announcer this is homer simpsons th raffle and first win . apparently , his luck has changed . greetings , i am steve mobbs , welcoming you from beyond the grave . i left a half eaten apple outside your store the greatest tribute of all . the product you hold is like a giant expensive smartphone that cant call anyone  its that incredible . now press the submit icon , and agree to buy all our future products . and were gonna be making a lot of stuff . submit . submit . i dont know , i submit . i dont want to . or you could buy something from hewlett packard . i submit . i submit . yes . yes oh , that adult etch a certainly has brightened your mood . oh , yeah . you can look at it this way or this way whether you want to or not and its got awesome games like tapped out . oh virtual stapler . sounds just like a stapler , and it never runs out unless you tell it to . heres one that gives you a cool s moustache . im sonny bono . watch out for that tree . so , which do you prefer , mlady . tom selleck , rollie fingers , or pringles man . i always thought the pringles man had the kindest eyes . are you doing an app behind my back . submit sub there ya go , homer . boy , you know , when youre just here alone , i can really smell ya . but im not alone . im doing some facetime with lenny . its like im skydiving with all my friends . let me text carl . so , uh , what are you pullin the ripcord with . uh oh . maybe theres a ripcord app i can use . marge homer , pay attention . huh . what . put that down . were being audited . the old stupid moustachell win him over . im really stupid . is that the mypad youre claiming as a business expense . im standing by that . simpson . unhand your edison slate and bring your gold brickery to a caesura . put down your mypad and get back to work . sorry , boss . your remonstrances are a welcome boon and surely will redouble my diligence . excellent . awesome . woo hoo . pip pip . hmm hey , dad . dad , check this out . dad , over here . dad , a mother giraffe is giving birth . dad , look , im walking on the wall around the lion pit . dad , the baby giraffe is taking its first steps . dad , im walking on my hands , and the lions think theyre gonna eat me . will you kids pipe down . im trying to get churro chaser to tell me where the freshest churros are . what country is mexico in . dad , pay attention to your children . ugh , okay . aww . thatll be my screensaver . just my arm . gotcha . why , you little homie , you want to read to maggie before she goes to sleep . a paper based read a . what are we , cavemen . sweetie , in the future all youll need is this . homie it looks like youre putting all your eggs in one basket . what would you have me do . one basket for each egg . hmm , i guess youre right . i guess ill have to scratch that off the list of things i say . now , maggie , lets find a good game for us . hmm , krustys kosher karnival words with enemies dont burn the toast , lenny dykstras prison break oh , pizza clock . dough , sauce , cheese , topping . dough , sauce , cheese , topping . dough , sauce , cheese , topping . having fun , maggie . how long have i been playing . dough , sauce , cheese , topping . so thats how you make a pizza . oh , we really have been off a the mark . mmm dough , sauce , cheese , topping . dough , sauce , cheese , topping . doh . sauce , cheese , topping . flushy , go get help . homer , youre gonna be fine , but theres no hope for the mypad . it still had of its charge . this is the part of the job i hate most . talking to crazy people . which of you is the youtube of the kid high on dentists gas . is it you . is it you . is it you . oh , lord , when things looked darkest , you gave me light , then you switched it off , knowing full well i had declined thy infernal mapple care . please grant me the wisdom to understand your capricious nasty mind . and please , make the next swing of the yo yo an up . amen . all amen . everybody hear that . homer , its a miracle . keep your pants on , flanders . oh , i will . till i go to bed and take them off under the covers . but come outside and see the miracle . has the mypad risen . no , its still where you buried it . here it is , the holy ooze . this is your miracle  a tree . oh , look at me , i turn sunlight into complex sugars . big whoop . look a little closer . huh . hope . is this one of those coincidences like jesus on a tortilla , or george washington on a dollar bill . well , i like that its message is in sap and not in blood . like some miracles i could mention . passover . well , this is how god would send me a message in my backyard , hammock adjacent, , one short word in large print . what do you think hes trying to tell me , flanders . well , sir , if you ask me , somebody up there is trying to tell you that whatever flat tires youve got in your life , gods there with his little spare and it enables you to drive real slow till you get to the next station . dont eat the miracle . fine , ill just go eat the body of god . thats not crazy . ah , looks like youre really turning something over in your mind there , homer . moe , i could believe this was a random occurrence or i could believe some higher power reached down and squeezed the sap out of that tree . im choosing hope . moe , a bottle of your finest beer . here you go . duff adequate . to hope . wow , no ones ever been happy in this place before . and when i started it was moes ice cream carnival  not good . of all the gifts the lord gives us , perhaps the greatest is hope . uh , excuse me , reverend , but im here to talk about something a little more important hope . but i was just oh , fine  i can get an early start on mountain biking . hope is here , people , and its real . its not just inside the house of god , its outside the house of me . so come and see the sticky brown truth . oh oh, , child things are gonna be easier hope is all around me . oh , child , thingsll be brighter oh oh, , child hmm . as promised , the miracle . really . other . cletus , what does that tree say . now , lets spell it out like that social worker taught us to do . huckleberry , overbite , picklefoot , edumacation . oh , it says hope . just like in hope floats , that sandra bullock movie i wrote . this is newsman kent brockman , vowing i will debunk this so called miracle . the idiotic things people believe in . now , stay tuned for your lucky lotto numbers . its your turn for sure . a hundred dollar bill for anyone who will give me the truth behind this so called miracle tree . ill take your money . the trees a fraud . i just got a hundred . the tree is real . what you got against hope anyway . i bet something disillusioned you as a child . this is junior reporter kenny bockelstein , investigating the stories that kids want to know . mr . mouse , how come you havent been in any funny cartoons since . im on a break , kid , and when im on a break , the mouse is dead . the mouse was a man . his teeth were yellow . his breath was rancid . my innocence was lost in a plywood castle . the castle is plywood .  . tv announcer bumblebee man is moving to channel . adios , ocho . you no pay . uh oh, , hes got his own chimp . senor chango . teenys a girl . oh , wait , hes just a bottom . this is kent brockman at the site of the so called springfield miracle . the question is the hope tree a miracle . most decidedly not . flying the channel traffic copter without official clearance and below legal levels , we obtained the following footage . as you can see here , a shadowy figure emerges from the darkness , walks up to the tree in the simpsons backyard , and if we freeze and zoom in on the image , we clearly see the figure holding a syrup bottle with which he writes the word hope . supermarket maple syrup . it was no miraculous tree of god and there is no hope on evergreen terrace . just a run of , syrup spraying mystery man . we can add this to the list of kents closed cases . would you please get the segment straight . just lose the graphic . it was all a hoax . lets burn our hats . all hope is dead . burn the lies . thank god theres no alcohol in this bar , or this place would really go up . homie . arent you going to come in . i dont know what to believe anymore . maybe its time to call satan . is that a . dont call satan . so what if the message wasnt the miracle . the answer isnt in syrup from god or a computer tablet . the answer is that you hope you felt was real . marge , up till now , i thought your hair was just blue cotton candy , but now i know its a solid loaf of brain . homie , you have such a way with foods . lets go inside . who do you think painted the word on the tree . no idea  the important thing is that they did . guess it mustve been the person who knew i needed hope most of all . youre all i need to get by you know , weve got a new version of that tablet . but i just got this three months ago . yeah , thats the kind of thing i do , and yet i still wound up here , as your boss . can i get christmas off . its my kids birthday . no . when the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie thats amore when the world seems to shine like youve had too much wine thats amore bellsll ring , ting a ling , ting a and youll sing vita bella hearts play tippi tippi , like a gay tarantella when the stars make you drool just a like a pasta fagiole , thats amore when you dance down the street with a cloud at your feet youre in love when you walk in a dream but you know youre not dreaming , signore scusa me , but you see back in old napoli thats amore when the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie thats amore thats amore when the world seems to shine like youve had too much wine thats amore thats amore bells will ring ting a ling a ting a ling a and youll sing vita bella vita bella , vita bella hearts will play tippy tippy , like a gay tarantella lucky fella , scusa me , but youll see thats amore . shh . springfield . you might fall . oh , hes such a cute little rascal . oh , my god , is she flirting with me . i can see where he gets his good looks . she is flirting with me . okay , homer , let her down easy . dont go breaking any hearts . what a lucky little boy to get a trip to the park with his grandpa . grandpa .  . grandpa .  . oh , my god . should i call an ambulance . help . an old man is dying . oh . this boys grandfather is a shriveled up corncob begging for death . i am his father . i cant believe i allowed you to hit on me . beat it , ducks . im not old enough to have food for you . im sexy . young and sexy . old man . im not an old man . this drawing doesnt think im old . dont you , drawing . those arent our regular donuts . theyre huge . with crazy toppings . homer gummy worms . churro chunks . russian nesting donut . i got to eat the rest . theyre gone . where did these devil donuts come from . i dont know . the guy who gives the sexual harassment seminars brought them in . actually , carl , theres no workplace appropriate use for the word bazooms . what about thunderbags . get lost , pervs . okay , where did you get these donuts .  . from a guy with a cart . it could be anywhere . chief wiggum im calling to report a missing donut cart . im not seeing anything . can you get any lower . but , chief , the power lines . but , chief , the power lines . go lower . homer nope . nope . nothing . nope . i see devil horns pitchfork pointed tail , hooves are cloven . we have logo , people . we have logo . sorry , gents , were fresh out . i only make one batch a day . when theyre gone , im done . oh , no more donuts .  . make more or i shoot . im not bluffing . come on . hmm . what have i become . its not a good feeling when youre saying , what have i become . more than once a day . mm . mm hmm . tell you what , i could give you a sneak preview of a new donut thats still in the rd phase . oh . beer keg donut .  . i would be honored to shake the hand that glazed this . im terence . tell me everything about you . youre from portland . ive heard of people being from there . no , i havent . yeah , but portland just got too played out . the city used to be real . do you know there are now restaurants there with two locations . not near my kids . wait a minute . you have kids . you cant have kids . look at you . you have a fun job , a skull ring  and its not halloween  and your belt is a seat belt . no one would ever think youre a lame old man . ah , you cant let being a dad slow you down . me and the fam are doing the whole urban nomad thing . you know , just looking for an undiscovered city with affordable houses . our houses are the cheapest . the one next to mes been on sale forever . i see them lowering the price every morning when i go out to pee . please . please rush into this . please rush into this . what a find . underneath all the ugly renovations this house has neutra bones . in my house , we found human bones . emily and i have always dreamed of restoring an architectural masterpiece . i have a graduate degree in mid century kitsch . thanks for turning us on to this place , homer . youre a pretty cool guy . really . im cool .  . oh , can i man hug you . sure . i dont know how . okay , our first hangout with the cool new neighbors . ive already blown them away  their words , i assume  so dont screw it up . oh , relax , kids . just be yourselves . oh , great , marge , now thats in their heads . hey , this is my armadillo , chewy . uh , mexico chewy , not star wars chewie . star wars chewie is just a man in a costume , so hes not scary . and this is our baby , corduroy , and our son , t rex . yeah , neighbors . heh , i get it . t rex . even their names are cool . uh , this is , um ice cream , bungee jump , and viral video . wow . whoa . bart cool . look at these obscure card games . hey , do you have uno . i did , when i was uno . check out all these sergeant activity dolls . no , thats combat jack , the original british doll that sergeant activity ripped off . fine . you have a weird old version of something . lets just watch tv . uh , tv . we dont own a tv . i didnt know that was an option . i think im done here . lisa , go nuts . my dad only lets me watch whats on his queue . if i dont get off the cloud palace , ill never get home for school tomorrow , but the toad spirit has aunt ginzee . scientists prove cat heaven real , human heaven not . thats so sad . those are joke headlines . its not a real newspaper , its just satire . oh satire . and these fake movie reviews are so mean , its hilarious . oh , those are real . great paper . maggies a little hungry . oh , you can go ahead and feed her . corduroy could probably use a snack . hmm , thats not applesauce . oh , uh , you dont have to be uncomfortable around another nursing mom . breast feedings just a healthy thing we all do . it sure is . theres nothing more natural than that . its just that maggies already milked me today . homer , i think we should go . were not like these people . check out my new look . terence shaved my head . youre all bald . no , im young person cool bald . not old person sad bald . i never want to see these again . check it out , flanders . us cool dads are sharing a mono yard . guess i cant be your best friend anymore . to be honest , that comes as a tremendous relief . boo hoo . you could cry all night , its not gonna win me back . i can finally compost . maybe we shouldnt rush things with the new neighbors . you know , we might not all be a perfect match . i have a plan to deal with that . step one change everything about ourselves until we are super cool . the end . but i always thought you were cool . honey , im not cool . i was never cool . i didnt go to college . every cd i have , i bought at a car wash . black and films make me angry . i cant pronounce artisanal . i only know david cross from the chipmunks movie . not only do i like van halen , but i think they keep getting better . oh but if me and my kids do the same stuff as terence and his kids , i could be a cool dad . well , sweetie , if its that important to you , i guess we can try . thanks , baby . here , have a bracelet made of a s educational film strip . oh , hygiene . yeah , its a real cool club and youre not part of it yeah , its a real cool club and youll never be a part of it . marge your father took you to a korean gangster film festival . yeah , it was great . this one guy was part of another guys gang  i mean , kkangpae  but then he quit and joined another kkangpae , and when the guys in the first kkangpae found out , they were so mad they put his feet in a blender . then they cut to a guy eating noodles , and blood splashed on him . at the art walk , we walked into a gallery , and it was just a guy crying . that was the art . the kids are a mess . you brought them home exhausted and pretentious . no , we need to take kids to grown up stuff . thats terences parenting style . parenting shouldnt have a style . parenting is about bedtimes , and passwords on computers , and complicated punishments you never follow through on . are you wearing a wallet chain . you look like a barista . well , you wont be laughing when you see how many pickpockets this thing catches . and whats with the scarf . its soaked in neck sweat . wearing scarves in non scarf weather is the essence of cool . the essence . oh . aw , man , my goatee has barely come in . why does my hair only grow in twos . oh , i hope t rex likes the present i made him . made . why didnt you just buy him a toy . homemade presents are how cool families demonstrate how awesome they are . if i show up with a toy from the store like we would give our kids then ive failed . and these skinny jeans will have flattened my junk for nothing . geez , is this a kids birthday party , or the place a bad guy kidnaps you to in a movie . yeah , this factory used to make blimp tires . t rex loves decaying industrial scapes . i used to . now im into abandoned ethnic union halls . come on , dude , this party rocks . love the temporary  tattoo station . uh , temporary . i want kitty whiskers . you got it . theres got to be a bounce house around here somewhere . at least maybe a pinata . holy areola . please , join our milk circle . id love to , but maggies a little shy . oh , dont worry  you can use a nursing apron . play along . oh , this couldnt feel more natural . glug , . thats a good little mammal . a bottle .  . plastic . formula . that is so wrong . fine , i admit it , you nipple nazis . i give my baby formula . its okay . if you dont want to breast feed your baby , we will . stay back . you know ill use this . because you saw me using it . huh , s pontiac accordion camera . i could always use another one of these . bowling shoes . not vintage , but you know , in a pinch . dino cool oh , i get it  a t rex for the t rex . how long did it take him to think of that one . oh , man . hey , my dad worked really hard to make that . he took a class to learn denim painting . this is so pathetic . i cant even wear it ironically . this guys going on my poser tumblr . no one bad mouths my dad except me . hey , dude . my vinyl . my vinyl . your son attacked mine . youve turned this former slaughterhouse into a place of violence . i thought it made blimp tires . yeah , like factories are never repurposed . its time for you guys to leave . are we still on for midnight bike riding . feeling included is lifes greatest joy . homer oh oh , boy , oh , boy , oh ho , boy . oh ho , boy , oh , boy . have you been oh boy ing all night . oh ho , boy . we had the family version of a bro mance going with our awesome neighbors and you had to screw it up . look , that kid threw your present in the garbage , and he called you a poser , and everyone laughed . he called me a poser . yeah , i was sticking up for you . you . sticking up for your old man . youve never done that before . also , i didnt want to tell you , but that wife and her gang looked down on me because i dont breast feed . what . no one judges my wifes thunderbags . well , maybe i was wrong about these people . whoever thought a cool person could be a jerk . they can goatee hell . humph . yeah , thats right . the friendship between the simpsons and the whatever your last name is over . i want my moustache stencils back . fine . keep em . but you have to give back lisa . mm hmm . flanders i just thought if we got together we could change the channel from the feud network to comity central . could we at least agree to both hate flanders . i like him  he talks in rhyme and owns a whimsical store in a failing mall . hes like the dad in a wes anderson movie . shut up with your names . well , we were just questioning the parenting that lead to bart not using his words with tyrannosaurus . parenting . let me tell you cool parents something . parents are supposed to be lame so their kids have something to rebel against by becoming cool just long enough to get married and have kids for whom they are lame . its natures way . when youre old , your tattoos will be saggy and illegible . well , at least i dont put a corporate chemical cocktail into my childs body . see . see what im dealing with here , ned . we invited them here and they repay us with insults and judgments . yes , but theres two sides to every even flanders agrees . this is our neighborhood , we were here first so you should leave . were not going anywhere . our house just got written up in dwell . homer oh , no , its true . when i humble brag about this article , this towns about to get as popular as toe sneakers . the us types are coming . oh . nelson butts . class , say hello to your new music teachers , the decemberists . now , who wants to learn a song about press gangs and infanticide . stupid town . at least i still got moes . although probably not seeing where this is going . what happened here . i dont know  everything crappy about this place , they like . even the rats . more manchego , aziz . oh , marge , its bad . the cool people are everywhere . somehow theyve even made the weather rainier . i brought these people to springfield and now theyve taken over . its a hellhole . disco stu has found a new thing . what happened to our town . everybody wears clothes from the past and uses computers from the future . where can i buy spats . apus house of spats . hey , better not attack me again . my mom gave me a salvaged police whistle . we had to replace the ball but everything else is stock . ah , relax , im over it . why arent you at the block party . block parties are lame . why do you think everythings lame . i dont know . i dont get a lot of sleep . i was out really late at an all ages burlesque show . sorry i was mean to your dad . thats okay  he is pretty lame . hey , want to watch tv . real tv . with commercials . terrible commercials . but im supposed to turn the compost . screw that  its krusty time . okay , you win . we dont have to be friends , but can we live on the fringes of your world . like those eels that eat whale poop . yeah um , well talk about it . thats how we say no . whats that smell . unturned compost and cuban movie posters . thats our house . if the flames reach my donut oil , the whole neighborhood will go up . hmm . huh . damn it . the community gardens using all the water pressure . you just had to have local radishes . not now , emily . stop your trendy arguing . im trying to call the fire department . sorry , our old timey fire bell spooked the horses and they ran away . youre organic , all natural lifestyle has doomed us all . then to save us , we need something incredibly unnatural . will put out that blaze . homer eh yoik . yoik . yoik . double yoik . the net of scarves and wallet chains is holding . theyre necessary . theyre necessary . theyre finally necessary . im sorry we judged you , marge . your formula saved us all . i guess i do feel a little bad about not breast  feeding my kids . except lisa . i brest fed lisa for nine months . i did it , i did it , i man hugged . daddy , i want to go to krustyburger with bart and get a laffy meal . cause each laffy meal comes with a different toy . and i got to collect em all . check it out . the new york times travel section just named springfield americas coolest city . see . that means springfield is played out . please . please take me with you . i am one of you . i understood all your references . no matter where you go , i will find you . nuclear energy was a craft before it was a science . i mean , whats wrong with the old ways . when uranium came from a stream , and atoms were split by hand , then transformed into the kind of electricity that illuminated not just our homes but our souls as well . who decided that the electrons we produce cant stand for something greater . sure , handmade electricity costs more and powers less , but maybe thats the point . the adventure begins . shh . springfield . welcome to the montgomery burns prize , rewarding excellence , in the field of alternative energy . local inventors are vying for a million dollar stipend donated by c . montgomery burns , as part of a court settlement for causing one billion dollars of environmental damage . shoo . go have one of your enormous litters . first inventor , you , bus driver . give us the gist of your terrible idea . well , ive harnessed the ancient power of slavery to run the school bus of tomorrow . whose boy is this . ill take him home . youll take his place . i would like to present my kwik e perpetual energy machine . three years ago , i tripped over the cord , but the hotdogs , they kept rolling . some say theyre powered by decaying nitrates , others by tiny insects beneath the hot dog skins . hard to believe i once turned down a job in tampa , florida , because i believed in this city . that was years ago . they wouldnt take you now . is anyone here an actual scientist . uh , yes , i have , on occasion , dabbled in the scientific arts . frink labs , a division of allied frink , the good glavin people , are proud to present the frinkasonic mhv . and what , pray tell , is mhv . oh , yes , its the moyvin hoyvin vehicle . this non magnetic babe magnet is powered entirely by , you guessed it , sound waves . ah , yes , you see . your quite appropriate ohs and ahs are propelling me forward . its wonderful . thats slightly more enthusiasm than i had anticipated . for the love of god , step on the brakes . the brakes are powered by silence . look out because of the zooming . why is it ejecting . its just a normal seat . no . no . im okay . ill just go live with my son . no . no . hurry up . i want to get grampa back here by so we can get him and maggie on the same nap schedule . ive labeled all his boxes . well , i cant pick up something this heavy without my lifting belt . ow . you know you cant lift your lifting belt without wearing your belt lifting . oh , no . i wont be able to help you pack up grampa . fine . just stay here and hold down the fort . hold down the fort . with my bad back . man , that keyboard playing cat is so cute . villageville .  . build your own authentic medieval village . i must have something better to do . and ca lick . finally , a woodcutter that will do what i tell him . holy moley . hes already made a clearing . lets go for a glade . just call me deforest kelley . i gotta write that down and send it to conan . oh , move this here  tap . mill , . barn , silo . tavern , brothel . parsonage . a theater in the round . and hay pile . and the lord saw what he had made , and it was good . ew . yeah , thats right , your lord sticks his hand in his pants . and yes , it is the same hand i tapped you with . well , if ive learned anything , its that you cant have too much iron ore . maybe one of your tavern wenches can do the laundry . youre back . did you spend this whole time doing fake chores in a fake village . its real to them . um , wheres santas little helper . i dont know . the backyard . the backyard . but what if he got out through your half completed tunnel to flanderss fridge . i dont see him anywhere . you jackass . you lost our dog . oh , my god . i forgot to feed my jackass . hank hew . youre welcome . santas little helper . santas little helper . i love that dog , but that is one long , stupid name . what the hell . oh , right . the animal shelter hasnt had any greyhounds turned in . just a dachshund , a chow , and a pregnant raccoon . a lot of good backups . how pregnant is the raccoon . we dont want a raccoon . good , marge . get their price down . dad , i just noticed something . youre not upset enough about this . hey , lisas right . youre the only one who hasnt cried about the dog . not a crier . what . you cry all the time . you cried when they canceled that show you hated . goofing on it made me feel wise . where is that coming from . from the kitchen . hes alive . and he didnt pee on the floor . for me , thats a perfect day . dad , whyd you shut our dog in a cabinet . ill answer that . your fathers an idiot . i believe the word is idiote . how did santas little helper get in there . i know what must have happened . im going to get a snack , but first , should i introduce the black plague . mm what could be the harm . whoa , now ive got to buy a corpse wagon . well , thats how they get you . hmm oh , its amazing how many things they can make taste like cheese . oh , yeah , baby , im drinking you down to your knees . gonna drink ammonia cause it tastes like cheese i wonder what will happen a minstrel has composed a roundelay mocking me . torture , . well , its time we showed this dog some love . oh . oh . attaboy . hey homer , how come youre not hugging the dog . he knows i love him , and he loves me . thats short for rrright you are . i dont think you even like santas little helper . you never take him for walks or sleep with him in your arms . and i suspect youve been chewing on his treats . how are they his treats if i paid for them . okay , . ill be nicer to the dude . ive just never really been a dog person . really . what about bongo . bongo .  . i told you never to ever talk about bongo . ever . what just happened . whos bongo . bongo was homers dog when he was a boy . hes still my dog . we got him years ago . i dont know what you just said , but its wrong . wrong , . i was working long hours at the springfield smokestack factory . oh , i was so tired when i got home . then little homer would start crying and crying , but bongo knew just what to do . now , my dear , we can watch mannix as a couple . unfortunately , like all true stories , this one has a crappy ending . you have a story with an ending . uh huh . all my stories have endings now . theyre putting something in my jell o down at the home . anyway , homer and that dog went together like christmas and suicidal thoughts . me and my arrow straighter than narrow wherever we go everyone knows its me and my arrow me and my arrow taking the high road wherever we go everyone knows its me and my arrow aww . i had no clue . then came the fateful day when mr . burns was lobbying for the go ahead on his nuclear plant , and he was giving away stuffed isotoads to all the children . have a toy . dont thwart my ambition . look , they even talk . cancer clusters are random occurrences . creepy . you can have mine , bongo . those toys are people bribes , you good hearted little brat . ugh . he bit me . get him out of here , son . now . mr . burns , im awfully sorry . oh , ill be all right . once i hold your dying pet in my arms and feel his wagging tail go stiff . uh , sir , you are aware youre at a pr event for children . bring in the clown . hey hey . so , lady godiva gets a haircut , right , and kids . uh , no problem . ill just cut to my clean material . farmers daughter , no . a man from nantucket , no . bring out the monkey . next time im getting a smaller monkey . ow . gow . oh . oh . gah . all right . so mr . burns wanted to kill homers dog . homer had no idea . he was so innocent and chubby . course now , hes just stupid and fat . focus . huh . oh , right . little homer didnt know it , but burns had unleashed the local dogcatcher to bring bongo in . little homer had a dog and bongo was his name o b o get in quick . this was before the day of safety seats and coming to a complete stop to let your child get in . when god closes a door , he opens a gun shop . wait . how could you know what herman said . you were driving away . he wrote a memoir . oh . uh oh . huh . oh . anyway son , ive got an idea . a hole next to the seat to hold my cup . thats a stupid idea . holding cups are what thighs are for . now hang on tight . mmm . smell them sausages , lou . are you sure the big brother program couldnt find me anybody else . yeah , well , you were my last pick , too , okay . tipping , aah . oh , im a washout as a dogcatcher . what do i do now . well , my dream is to be police chief . oh , no , you cant cause , um , thats my dream . im gonna be chief of police . well , then ill be a spokesman for my people , like ralph abernathy . ralph , i like that name . man , this story is filling in a lot of gaps . but i want to know about dad and his broken heart . your father lost a lot in his life  his hair , his mother , more games of monopoly than any man ought . hed go to jail and stay there cause he loves the easy life , but i think losing that dog was the toughest blow of all . where are we going , daddy . remember our old neighbor , miss viola . well , she moved to the country , where there was no limit on how many pets one single lady could own . miss viola . isnt she cuckoo . now , son , a lot of people are cuckoo till you need something from them . i knew that bongo would have a good home there and burns would never find him . gosh , miss viola , i want you and your husband to know how much i appreciate this . well , lets get this dog in . come on . son , uh , why dont you give him your sweatshirt so hell remember you . okay . how long till we come back and get him . i had to tell my boy we were giving away his dog for good . i wasnt sure if a six year could even understand the concept . what . no . no . no . bongo . turns out , he caught on pretty quick . your father was devastated . women and their crying . finish the damn story . ive got a hockey game tonight . when i finally got back to the house simpson , release your hound . hes already gone where youll never get him . im a powerful man , simpson . i can walk into mcdonalds , order soup , and theyll make it . go on . get . i got a bug zapper , and i aint afraid to use it . is that sugar water i smell . well , im afraid i already told my dogs they could tear yours apart . dont make me look into those pitiless black eyes and say , daddy didnt bring you a friend friend to rip rip . wheres bongo . is he still at the crazy ladys back to sleep , son . oh , listen , i can think of something youd enjoy more than killing a dog . dropping a horse on a church . no . breaking a mans spirit . mine . well , i guess i could always drop a horse on a church afterward . fine . i had to take care of his hounds for a year . i tried to wear a bite proof suit , but those satanic snoopys always found their way in . im not done with you . i insist you never wear shoes or a proper necktie again . just house slippers and the most humiliating tie there is bolo . but the hardest part was that my son was so angry with me . how was school today . ketchup , please . youre probably wondering how i got rabies . well im not hungry anymore . our relationship never recovered , and no amount of ignoring the problem could ever fix it . grampa , why is the saddest story you ever told the only one thats ever made sense . doesnt make sense to me . i happen to remember it just a little differently . well , tell us your version . now granted , i was just a kid , but i say grampa always hated bongo and loved money so he sold bongo to a wicked farm witch just so he could hang out with a bunch of rich dogs and kidnapped santa so id never get the toy i actually wanted . and then wha and then what happened was gee , my story doesnt make much sense except the santa part . yeah , but at least it was short . wait . wait . theres one part of the story even grampa didnt know about . a few months later , i went to rescue bongo . hendrix , come here , boy . but there was one thing i wasnt prepared for . bongo was happy without me . he had become her dog . oh , homie . im so sorry . well , thats just the way dogs are . the most disloyal , unfaithful creatures god ever made . homer , maybe you should take a look at this . a christmas card i got from miss viola years later . he still had my sweatshirt . bongo didnt forget you . unlike those gerbils of yours we gave away . oh , they were fickle as hell . oh , my god , dad . i owe you an apology . you saved bongo . i never understood that till now . all these years i thought you loved that dog more than me . why would you think that . just because i put you in a home where they feed you dog food . aw , give me a hug , son . okay , but im a little out of practice . hold your arms like youre carrying a wedding cake . what flavor . it doesnt matter . if it doesnt matter , then i call snickers . thats not a flavor . everythings a flavor in the kitchens of today . just hug already . homie . huh . come on , boy , time to go to bed . my dog . all right , homer , its your moment . but hes mine tomorrow . me and my arrow straighter than narrow wherever we go more cheese , sir . no . any word from karl rove . sir , despite what hes been telling you , its over . romney lost . damn it . i guess its time i explain to these good people the upcoming fiscal cliff . think of the economy as a car and the rich man as the driver . if you dont give the driver all the money , hell drive you over a cliff . its just common sense . furthermore , rich people feel things more deeply than the common man . and weve got to change our approach to immigration . i have a progressive proposal to let into this country ive got lots of potatoes that need peeling and stables to be mucked out . sir , the insta polls are in . youre just digging yourself deeper . well , then let me just say this . marco rubio im afraid you just made things even worse . how . why . you just said marco rubio is a pink handkerchief . this public service announcement is over . execute the cameraman . shh . springfield . learn zone . mom , you said we were going someplace fun . yeah , mom , you promised . homer , i told you , dont call me mom . sorry , mrs . simpson . oh . this isnt a learn zone . darn it , its a fun place . yay . yay . for maximum safety , all children must wear anti kidnapping bracelets . is this a kid youd pay ransom for . dad , what would you do if you got my ear in the mail . i dont know . feed it to the dog . youd have to wrap cheese around it . dont you tell me how to feed you to the dog . whoa . where do they go . whoa . female announcer welcome to the mormon church , americas most respectable cult . keep an eye on the kids , homer . can i keep an eye on that kid . hes fabulous . bart and lisa . oh . its always my kids . yay . whered they go . oh . hmm . almost . holy moley . what the .  . oh , its hopeless . whats hopeless . who the hell are you . dad , come up , come up . pretty , please . absolutely not . my adult frame is simply too large . come on , dad . no . never . come on , dad . fine . here i come . crawling . so painful . duck walk . infinitely worse . oh . only wanted to be fun . shh , . soon youll know peace . i made it , kids . i am king of learnington castle . we tricked you . eat nerf , homeboy . real mature . yay . ralphie . huh . hmm . what cool kid things in here . no kids . thats whats cool . i have a phone . its very tiny . aint no shame in being poor , boy . whats pitiful is if you is ignorant . is these mice pillows here for the taking . i hate working here . at least at krustyburger , you could burn yourself and go home . male voice unauthorized child departure . lockdown mode initiated . another stupid kid got out . i cant tell the manager . i am the manager . duh . were locked in . these lasers are nothing more than colored lights . calm down , everyone . calm down . im sure theyll have us out of here soon . until then , why dont we bond by sharing our childbirth experiences . the nurses were so great . my husband held my hand the whole time . see . all you need to get through a crisis is a little friendly conversation . bet you the dads are doing the same thing . the sneeze guard is broken . there is no law . oh , i just came here to pick up my daughter . but now im gonna kill you all . dont forget your jacket , sweetie . get out of there , you . never . mmm . butter . round and round . round and round . freedom . man lets get out of here . come on . apes . deep down , were all savage apes . leave your body , homer . what the hell was that . youve been through a traumatic experience . are you sure you want to go to work today . well , ive taken eight months off . its time to get back on the horse . ho , . ho , . hey , neighbor , your welcome mats looking a little dusty . mind if i come over and sweeten your greetin . sweeten your greetin . both sweeten your greetin . all three neds are better than one . i hate to be a nag , but this is my real head . i guess , despite all our so called civilization , anarchy lurks around every corner , like a racially diverse street gang on a network cop show . my friend , you just experienced w . r . o . l . firsthand . hey , read the sign , pal , no acronyms . you see . and that goes for the rest of youse , too . okay , . hey , in this bar , we say old kinderhook . whats w . r . o . l .  . it means without the rule of law . anarchy . the end of civilization . coming soon to an america near you . america cant collapse . were as powerful as ancient rome . ah , take a look at this . narrator the modern world  an inexorable march of progress . sweet . or is it . were slaves to the system . close the supermarket , and we starve . cut off the tap , we drink our cats blood . narrator who will survive in this new world . the man who is prepared . oh , my god . this unsourced , undated video has convinced me beyond any doubt . and im the guy you want to know when the stuff hits the fan . hey , man , no need to almost swear . come with me . well , homers gone . lets all go into our suspended state till he gets back . homer , meet the springfield preppers . preppies . oh , i hate you guys . always partying on deck with your docksiders while us townies are scrubbing the bilge . not preppies . preppers . but i like your hatred . its based on nothing . thats super . now , homer , what would you do in the case of an e . m . p .  . electromagnetic pulse . a burst of radiation that knocks out every electrical system in the country . id slash my wrists . but how , without my electric knife .  . there is an alternative to suicide . mm . i cant conceive of any . we can teach you the skills you need to survive any crisis . oh . all we ask is that you keep your prepping secret . we wont have room for all the unprepared . dont worry . im very good at keeping secrets . impending doom . what you reading , dad . honey , everythings fine . theres nothing to worry about . when grown ups say that , it means there is something to worry about . just go play your saxophone . while you can . what does that mean . secrets . i have no secrets . just enjoy this golden time you will soon cling desperately to the memory of . smell some bread . when things go south , the sheeple will clean out every supermarket in town . typical sheeple . uh are you eating my grain . maybe . that was a five pound bag . yeah , but ill go home , weigh myself , and ill have gained six pounds . whats that about . prep , . hey , dad , are we going camping . i guess an open garage isnt the best hiding place . whats up . going crazy again . i wish . son , the best way to explain this is to show you some age inappropriate movies . so , what have you learned so far from our post apocalyptic movie marathon . guys who call themselves preacher or deacon are very bad . water is money , unless gasoline is money . and even though lots of things are razor sharp, , no one ever shaves . hollywood has taught you well , my son . now lets push play . now the ice bishop of beverly hills will teach you the true meaning of cold . i have come from a place where the land is warm , and the only ice is made by machines called fridge ra . all fridge ra . fridge ra . fridge ra . arent they just saying refrigerator . do not question the wisdom of tom skerritt . here it is , homer . the springfield preppers top secret bug out retreat . wow . your end of the world is better than my during the world . homer , we all know americas collapse is about three months away . six weeks at most . theres always one alarmist . anyway , when the four horsemen ride , we want you and your collaterals right here with us . aw . uh , listen , ive got to know  youre not just being nice to me because in a pinch you could make candles from my fat . well , that is a big part of it . its okay . i know what i am . marge hmm . i cant find all our cereal crackers , juice boxes , the butter brush um a lot of that stuff mustve got lost in the move . what move . we havent moved . whats going on . oh . i want to tell you , but i promised to keep it a secret . you cant have secrets from your wife . its very late in the marriage to tell me that . ive hidden all our supplies behind a fake wall . i thought the basement looked cleaner . see . these are our bug out bags . in here is everything we need to survive . survive what . the looming kablooey . its reassuring to see youre aware of the future , but this is all a little creepy . creepy .  . marge , the apocalypse is coming . maybe not tomorrow , maybe never , but its coming . and soon . im going to bed . theres no handle on this side . the one thing i couldnt prepare for . oh , these here are my snack chips . your cheese puffs . those are doodles . i will eat anything orange except an orange . and thats how you deliver a baby calf with a bathroom plunger . mm hmm . an e . m . p .  .  . you know what that means . hand scissors . oh . all electronics in springfield have been disabled . even the musical greeting cards . this is it . bug out time . everyone but us is doomed . i am so jazzed . mr . mayor , whats your administration doing to ensure theres no panic . i dont know . what is your administration doing . there you have it . a town without rules , without leadership , without television . this is kent brockman , talking to himself . marge , this is it , teotwawki . the end of the world as we know it . uh huh . wheres the kids . lisa and maggie are downstairs , and barts in his room with milhouse . boy , get in the car , and say good bye to your best friend forever . bye forever , milhouse . see you , bart . mmm . this is my daughter . she brings the gift of music to the new world . is that sax alto or baritone . baritone . this is gonna be a long apocalypse . ay , caramba . ay , caramba indeed . dad , how are we supposed to spend the rest of our lives here . were already bored . heres something to pass the endless time . write down which celebrities were rumored to be gay for future generations . yes , sir . society will not have to start from square one . homie , i never thought wed turn our backs marge , when i started prepping for the end of the world , everyone laughed at me . no one was laughing . you kept it a secret . well , just because i imagined it , doesnt make it any less true . and now all those people are on their own . how can you call yourself a christian . if jesus had a gun , hed be alive today . homer simpson . when i fell in love with you , it was because of your big heart and your good looks . but some day , those good looks are gonna fade . what .  . soon well be approached by people who havent prepared . now , do not look at their faces . that can trigger feelings and emotions , which have no place in civilization . rise of the weirdos . i may have solved that problem . this rifle scope i modified makes any human face look dangerous and threatening . boom . why do we have to shoot them at all . are you that good with a knife . no . i want to help the people who didnt prepare . boom . boom . boom . whatd you shoot me for . you were thinking id gone mad with power , werent you .  . i wasnt , but i am now . boom boom . oh , god , now what . every time you wake us up early in the morning , its either church or we have to change our identities . dont be silly , mary ellen . now were going to leave this place . im sorry , bart . i know youve made a bug out camp girlfriend . ive got to be honest with you . it was just a bag of rice i drew a face on . white ricer brown . i never noticed . good boy . so well take these supplies back to springfield where theyre needed most . youre a good man , homer simpson . you said you cut the wires to the alarm . hmm , i cut the wires to something . okay everybody , keep your eyes peeled for an unlit mile post marked or or something . if we miss it , were dead . dad , there are lights following us . how can that be . i took every last can of gas . now , everyone relax and pretend were about to be hit by a soft brick wall . out of our way , corn . the starving people of springfield are desperately in need of our delivery of canned corn , flakes and flash frozen corn niblets . im proud of you . society may have crumbled , but our decency hasnt . now to save these sorry souls from a life of anarchy , starvation and having sex for procreation . huh . oh , everythings normal . the world didnt end . dad , you said people would be drinking each others blood . you got to watch a vhs copy of red dawn times . stop complaining . what happened with the e . m . p .  . only springfield lost power , you see , and after a few days , it came back . maybe a little bit brighter . and the spirit of neighborly cooperation broke out as if all the weird , angry people had left . then society didnt crumble . the zoo animals werent eaten . no  well , a couple . this non disaster is a catastrophe . are you really so disappointed the world didnt end , just so you could be proven right . no , . its just that , in the new world , i would have been a big shot . well , not for long . me and the others were planning to overthrow you and seal you in a cave . yeah , but what you didnt know was i was gonna poison all your drinking water . which is why im only drinking my own urine . guys , cant you see that even an imperfect society is better than the savagery of creating a new one . i for one am glad were stuck with civilization , and i think we will be for a long , time . im hungry . look , you can have potato chips now , or if you wait ten minutes , you can have all the brains you can eat . i want both . shh . springfield . announcer in a world , in a hemisphere , in a continent , in a country , in a state , in a city , in a neighborhood , in a street , in a house , in a living room , five heroes would be called . to tackle the most dangerous quest of their lives . lets sit on that couch . theyre in . and in retrospect , city officials regret holding the gang truce negotiations at santas village . in other news , were about to go live to mr . burns announcement of his annual rate hike . springfielders are about to find out how much their electricity bills will go up . im being told that mr . burns is approaching the lectern now . apparently there are a few stairs hes struggling to climb . hes up the stairs but is now being buffeted by the breeze . and theyve put some rocks in his pocket and were ready to go . to decide how much your electricity bills will rise , ive assembled a team of distinguished economists and placed plausible rate hike percentages on their backs . now we will use unfettered free market principles to arrive at a number . release the hounds . notice how the keynesians climb trees while the austrian school economists hide under rocks . that is fascinating . and there you have it , folks , rates will rise a healthy . and now , to help you disperse let me guess , youre going to release the hounds again . oh , dont be silly . release the radioactive steam . electricity costs are going up . this station cant afford that . were barely keeping the lights on as it is . i know its a kids show , but i got to see you topless . this isnt your dressing room . i know , but the monkeys got a girl in my dressing room . the decision to pull the plug is never easy . particularly with the rate hike . do i get a vote . thats just air escaping his lungs . oh , i guess well be peeling our shrimp by hand this year . we can keep the shrimp de veiner, , though , right . im afraid not . and this goes , too . when i found out shrimp cocktails had no alcohol , i really lost interest . children , we can no longer afford to use anything electric . however , we will still be able to watch todays film , thanks to the magic of potato power . narrator sometimes y the story of a vowel that goes both ways . emergency meeting in the faculty lounge . byob . well , class , i dont mind leaving you , because one of you is my spy . you said you werent going to tell . oh , wait , you didnt . so no one knows who the milhouse is . the school is broke . i had to sell all the trombone mutes . why did i sell one to nelson . hmm . sounds better than half the kids in the band . so does a leaf blower . look , the district cant afford to keep every school open , so all the kids will take a standardized test . whichever school scores the lowest will be closed forever . so youre saying , if our kids dont pass this test , youre shutting down springfield elementary . i dont teach to the test . i teach em to dodge balls . things they can use in life . how is that useful . ow . we all came here to avoid scrutiny . who else would hire a lunch lady accused of poisoning her husband . never convicted . they couldnt find the body . anyone care for some chicken pete pie . did you say chicken pete pie . his friends called him pete . good bye, , my electrical friends . i cant afford to use you , so im doing what any good american would do throw you away . and it still works . this could come in handy . ah , but let me check that list of things marge said never to bring home . dogs , cats , octopuses , octopi , octopuseseseses . parking meter , youre working for me now . mannequin heads , youre working for me now . lot of people at the dump today . the proctors are here . their leader seems to be a woman . catalog poses . when will they finish grading those tests . i hate waiting thats why i hate risotto . even mushroom risotto . what do you think .  . so howd we do . not as bad as the worst school in the state . oh , thank god . you did worse than the worst school in the state , which now makes this school the worst school in the state . why did you say that to us in the meanest way you could . to show you that theres no way out . except what . no , i meant you should accept your terrible fate . oh . this place is worse than the elementary school in prison . this student filled in everything but the ovals . in art school hed be a genius . this isnt an art school . we tried to have ourselves accredited as one , but no one here could , uh , draw the pirate . children , groundskeeper willie will direct you to your new school district . any correlation to your talents , needs , or friends is completely coincidental . sherri , youre going to west ogdenville . terri , north haverbrook . but weve never been separated . im not sure we can even live apart . stop your whinging . its not like youre losing a rake or a backhoe . nelson , youre off to arkham elementary school for the criminally insane . well , im glad youre not upset . all my extra credit points are like frequent flyer miles on a bankrupt airline . hey , dont blame me . i didnt even take the test . you didnt . is there no limit to your disrespect . eh , i had something better to do . driving you crazy instead of pulling off your legs . ive really matured . wait a minute . if you take the test now , your score could raise the average and save the school . proctor clarkson , one student still hasnt taken the test . let it be martin , let it be martin . its bart . i have an aunt named hope . perhaps youd like to kill her as well . bart will take his exam first thing tomorrow morning . bart , im begging you to try and study . when i think begging , i dont imagine someone standing up . sorry , i cant grant a favor to someone i dont respect anymore . you can spin in my chair . whee . spinner . slow down . well , sure the lord wouldnt have placed his meter there if he didnt want me to park . this is the easiest money ive ever made . lugging around a parking meter . its not that kind . all right , now to drag the meter to the next idiot . oh , god , my back . suckers . oh , my disks are grinding . easy money . ch ch turn and face the strange ch ch dont wanna be a richer man ch ch turn and face the strange ch ch . thanks for the freedom of speech , dorks . uh , were cool , right , boy . nothing a few george washingtons wont solve . now , to sleep the sleep of the just . godspeed , old chum . pass the test and your lunch money is yours . im a kid youve never seen , and i speak for all the kids youve never seen . do it , man , or youll never see us again . principal skinner , could you help me sharpen this pencil . i guess a little circular grinding might relax me . i cant do this . im not ready . you really didnt study . well , i slept on my books , so i might have gotten something through osmosis . so , you know what osmosis is . uh , pajamas . let me make this crystal clear to you , simpson . if you dont pass this test , it will destroy the school . our entire school riding on that coffee can head of yours . weve got to get you more time to study . but how . pull the fire alarm . id do it , but everyones looking at me . what to do , what to do . dont do it , seymour . youve never broken school rules . ever . you wimp . children , remain calm , find your disaster buddy , which is different from your lab partner but may be the same as your lunchroom buddy . bart well , looks like mr . vanilla just grew some chocolate chips . save your analogies for the analogy portion of the exam . i bought you time , boy . dont blow it . i wont . im going to ignore everything else on my schedule . pass this test and the eggs are on me . they will be , seymour . they will be . im king of the bus station . meter , quarter cheater . a rogue parking meter has been terrorizing the streets . experts estimate the cost to taxpayers at north of . thats right , kent . the entire force is on the lookout for anyone with an excessive amount of change . our top criminologists have a theory as to what the suspect just might look like . but , of course , that question mark could be an exclamation point or an interrobang . and the man or woman could be hispanic or , most frightening , contain no punctuation at all . so , hows the studying going . when i start ill tell you . this is the most selfish thing youve ever done . youre letting your friends go hang because you are lazy and selfish and , hey , are you falling asleep just to spite me . hey , why arent you eating that . theres four of us and eight slices . we dont know how to divide it . something stu forgot the music he loves . mrs . krabappel . are you a teacher of the night . ha , i wish i was a hooker . no one in this town has any money . but the worst thing is whats happened to the school . no , . what have i done . spinach farm , huh . thats right , you talk in your sleep . lisa , i want to pass that test . but i need your help . i have all sorts of problems lack of attention , im afraid of ovals , i only know letters . dont you fall asleep on me . excuse me , youre that proctor thats shutting down my childrens school . i dont shut anything down . people cut their own heads , and i just tip em into the basket . youve been in public education a long time , havent you . freeze , jack nickel scum . wha . you know what they do to parking meter thieves in prison . they probably treat em pretty well . but when you get out , youre not eligible for jury duty . which , again , sounds pretty good . eat silver , copper . doh . stay with me , man . stay with me . no , . youre the first successful business ive ever run . its hopeless . i cant make up for ten years of goofing off in one day . i need two days . look , the thing is , its more important to know how to take a test than knowing whats on it . so do the ones you know first . if you dont know one , guess b and move on . now , what is the capital of massachusetts . uh , b . very good . bart okay , this is it . do or die . doh . will you stop that . burly paper towels , burlyville , minnesota . dear sir or madam your paper towel packets promised sheets of towels . but i was blessed to receive . im returning the extra towel , unused hmm . a pillow case full of quarters . where did you get that money . and what have you done with the pillows . the pillows are safe at my workstation . as for the quarters , well , im ashamed to tell you what i did . how long have you been in there . well , were going to turn this change into change for the better . whoo hoo . and i wish that mr . teeny gets a banana , that the isotopes emerge from this season with a great blooper reel . i wish that wishing wells worked so i wasnt tossing my money away and that marge loves me forever no matter what stupid things i do . and i hope bart passes his test and saves the school . way to get us back on topic , marge . if you have to guess , b . not every question . the second that boy fails , were knocking down this school . please have a little faith . i hear you , seymour . start the upswing . the least common blood type is a b , a , c ab , d o doh . ten more seconds . and the last answer , c . is correct . congratulations , you made it by one . thatll do , bug , thatll do . he passed . stop that ball . now your mom can see you work from her house . seymour , stop slouching . im not sure if you gave my son any extra help , but if you did , thank you . perhaps this was a test of my humanity . a test i like to think i passed . would you like to have coffee or dinner , or just talk . none of the above . testward ho . beethovens symphony no . playing is this wilson elementary . no . sorry . shh . springfield . springfield . in this exciting strategy game , you amass resources  timber , salt fish and wax  to fund the syndicate to gain influence with the doges of venice . doges . why do we have to play this stupid game lisa likes . i dont like this game . nobody likes this game . even the kids on the box look bored . theyre miserable . we have to do something until the storm passes . now , just fill out these customs forms , and we can get started . twister . no . whenever we play that , my elbow touches dads junk . no . outside the house . you live like this . oh , dear lord , if thy tornado must take me , please let it take me to oz . but dont let flanders be the scarecrow . we made it , boy . oh , my god . oh , my god . this counts as a walk . the tornado took old whats his . im going after him . no , homie , its too dangerous . hey , homer , we were just doing a little storm chasing . lenny , take us with you to find our dog . its okay , marge , theyre professionals . what . cause they rented a van and taped an antenna to the top . not just any tape . duct tape . oh , all right . but im coming with you to make sure no one does anything stupid . dont worry , marge , we bought a ton of safety gear from a highly respected storm chasers widow . its not what youre thinking . he died of a heart attack . yeah , feet up in the air . behold , the awesome nonsense of nature . okay , the tornado that took your dog looked like an f moving westerly . i guess you do know your weather . ha . that means a lot coming from such an attractive woman as you . id say shes prettier than a surface hoar . hey . surely , you didnt misunderstand my usage of surface hoar . the sublimation of ice crystals thats colder than a frost point . maybe . look , you guys obviously know about weather , but i understand something much more predictable women . what women really want is a guy whos confident enough to go completely downhill after marriage and know shell still love him . ill tell you what women really want a man who can hold a note the longest . that is the stupidest one , two , three , go . homer , you do not have to compete with your friends for me . i would never do that . enough with the singing . fine , but i swear , i will win you back from lenny . nado . oh . its like gods vacuum cleaner . were cutting it kind of close . not to worry  were safe in the van . anyone want their seat warmer . its gone . help me , god . what is it im paying you for every sunday . can always use a good babysitter . i was just years from retirement . oh , my god , the twister got carl , my best friend in the world . i can barely remember what he looks like . he was a black guy , but his voice sounded like a white guy . hey , excuse me for wanting to fit in . and here comes santa little helper . homie , we made it . oh , my god . nelson ha . youre trapped in there good . once again , the big banks stick it to the little guy . come on . are you pushing . yes , it wont give . i dont know if were going to be able to get out . what are you writing . maybe the last words ill ever write . oh . lenny , you calling for help . let them have their moment . kent brockman here at deaths revolving door . police have arrived on the scene after having fled the state at the first sign of the storm . bulletproof , as i somewhat suspected . but dont you worry , were having a very expensive crane brought in from shelbyville . what is this , a bird . its a bird known as a crane . and it got very sick on the way over . well , our top priority is making sure that bird gets well . hey . hello . as for you , your only hope is this glass cutting guy from the hardware store . you guys want to come out in a plain circle or a kind of a rosette shape . just cut the glass . everybody wants it done yesterday . wiggum uh , now were ordering some lunch . uh , want to go halfsies on a pizza . fyi , that means you get one slice . okay , wise guy , you get to pull out the two corpses when were done . except for the face full of glass when the door finally collapsed , he did a pretty good job . found another one . it was so scary thinking something might happen to you guys . mom , i am so glad youre alive . were you worried about me , boy . sure . why not . clearly , the boys in shock . oh , yeah , im a wreck . stop being blas . never . now , i know you kids are scared by what happened , but its bedtime . just go into your dark rooms and shut your eyes . homie , if we did both die , weve never named guardians . the kids could end up wards of the state . connecticut . no , our state . okay , youre right . its hard to imagine anyone else bringing up our kids , but i think the choice is obvious my dad . oh , youd let me have another chance after the way i screwed things up with you . eh , good point . well find somebody else . yep , youre a big bag of blubber soaked in worthless juice . i got it , dad . why i married you ill never know . oh , yeah . the tornado was more of a father to me than you . okay , how about my brother . hes rich . hi . youve reach herb powell . im poor again . theres really only one choice , or should i say two identical choices . sugar . oh , how very kind of you . im not giving our kids to these gravelly voiced super hags . one lump , please . homer , my sisters adopted ling , and shes doing great . weve been tiger mothering her . ling , music time . ling , floor routine . more syncopating . stick the landing . and no resenting us ever . thats some impressive flute nastics . shut up . you cant praise her . shell think shes smart and slack off . then all our loving would be for nothing . mmm , maybe wed better go . didnt you want to ask us something . good bye forever . help me . i think its time to go off family . kirk luanne and i have gone through some rough patches , so to be seen as stable enough to raise your kids , well , it would be an honor . you know what else would be an honor . having a husband who asks my opinion before inviting in three more mouths he cant feed . hey , luanne , you always asked me what i saw in vicky at the walgreens . well , ill tell you what i saw not you . you told me you didnt even know her name . well , thats her name , okay . brandine let me get this straight . we have kids , and you want us to take three more . anything new that wanders into this house winds up in the stew pot . hey , im so sorry , but we just adopted a baby . give me back my pants . ive got to get back to my unit . someones cranky . all right , marge , maybe were being a little too choosy about who our kids spend the rest of their lives with . well take what we can get . uh oh . i wonder if word has gotten out that were looking for guardians . ah . go . go . dr . hibbert chuckling all right , the coast is clear . wait a minute , i live here . aw . where are we going . and why are we wearing our good clothes . with name tags on them . kids , theres nothing to worry about . but were looking at replacements for your mom and me if we should fail to die together as a family . oh , i see . you guys are trying to find a couple of saps to take us when dad has a coronary in the dead of night , rolls over and crushes mom . this is not that , and that smart alecky attitude is exactly why no one wants you . homer , dual incomes , no kids at . oh . okay , ill nudge them with the car . well get a whole meet cute thing going . aah . what the hell are you doing . keith , relax . look at those adorable children . hmm , i think i hear a slight accent . mid atlantic . thats where they filmed the wire . step on it . this is a pretty important decision . how about asking that japanese guy who set the world record for eating hot dogs . hes like a successful version of dad . maybe we should just give up for now , have some fried clams and collect sea glass . wait , what about that couple . they look pretty cozy . thats moe and a bag of garbage . boy , cats sure breed a lot . why would you do that to me after i thought about feeding you . mmm . whoa , look at that guy . yo , im mav . wow , a mans stomach can be flat . its one of the , like , awesome side effects of being a pro surfer . wow . someones smitten . whoa , way to shralp the crispies , babe . my wife , portia . another surfer . environmental lawyer . and in my free time , i prosecute record companies who withhold royalties from elderly blues musicians . um , why dont we discuss it over dinner . discuss what . things that youre desperately missing from your life that you never knew you needed . cool . see you at . so , surfing is really your job . yeah , i earned a couple million on the tour last year . just for standing on a thing . mmm . wow . your house is perfect . no sharp corners , no unsafe balconies , a cool grandpa . i love two things shutting up and giving away money . oh , thanks , dad . whats that stone around your neck . its a promise stone . it signifies that if i ever get to be a burden , i just jump in a volcano . wow . i assumed the jackson five were the only perfect family , but now i see theres another . princeton , b . a . oxford , m . a . i smell a rhodes . no , i turned it down because cecil rhodes was such a racist . uh , say , listen , portia . how would you and mav feel about um , swinging . uh , with you guys . uh , seems like my husband would be getting the much better deal . no , . i i meant pushing kids on swings . give me a minute to get some images out of my mind . okay , take whatever time you need . i just want to know if youd like to be their guardians . wow . wow , thats quite an offer . this is so fast . its so hard to get to know a child after just one day . i all you need to know is im a politeness monster who eats please and farts thank yous, , maam . im exactly the kind of kid hes pretending to be . hmm . babe , when a killer wave hits , you cant spend your whole life deciding if you want to drop in or not . it just might be the most righteous tube we ever shot . man , you sure can talk surfer talk . okay , well give some serious thought to taking them . maybe this will help you make up your mind . its empty . you never know when you might want to mail something . homie , its been a wonderful day , but do you think maybe were moving a little too quickly . worrywart marge . you dont look a trojan horse in the mouth . but we know so little about them . i swear to you , marge , when i have the time , i will google them both . its all good , brah . hey , wheres bart . oh , uh , well , he wanted to be here , but im going to decrease the volume of my voice and mumble so you cant really understand what im saying , and ill just keep doing it until the subject your father says i need to keep you lashed to the mast for five more arrrs . is that arrrs or hours . both . great . and now my dad can notarize . i still have my uses . mm hmm . name another . well , i must admit its a relief to get that taken care of . now i can finally complete my bucket list . homer , marge , we have a favor to ask . too late . you already signed . oh , wait , theres one more . suckers . oh , wait , youve got to initial this . checkmate . listen , homer , we just wanted to know if we could borrow the kids for a weekend at our ski house . we thought they could pick out their bedrooms . a whole weekend . i dont know . hey , if they can watch them for the rest of their lives , they can certainly do it for a weekend . i guess . as long as we dont make it a habit . marge , no indulgence of mine ever becomes a habit . do you have to do that in front of people . it helps me write . just the two of us we can make it if we try just the two of us just the two of us marge , this has been great couples time . the one thing people with kids desperately need is no kids . well , at least we have time to get the pets christmas presents . i dont like the way they just rip the paper off . santas little helper , my ass . hmm . my god . they want to steal our kids . no one steals my kids , except me , from that theme park jail that i never told you about , except i guess i just did . were all caught up now . lets go . marge it all makes sense now . thats why they took our kids so quick . like all childless couples , they troll the beaches waiting for the egg layers to wander off from their young . shes gonna raise three kids without wrecking that perfect figure . oh , yeah , man . dont worry , marge . well get them . unless we die on this icy mountain road . then theyve won forever . homie , i just had a horrible thought . women and their horrible thoughts . what if they are better for the kids than us . marge , let me set your mind straight about something . that spectacular young couple is definitely better for the kids , but those kids are ours , because we made them by accident . and now were gonna take them back because we love them , especially now that weve had a little time apart from them . ive got a bone to pick with you . then an apology to make . then we exchange insurance information . then more bone picking . homer , marge , i understand your anger , but your kids are more awesome than the breaks at waimea . those better be good breaks . honestly , we fell in love with them , and it just seemed like you guys didnt really want them . sure , you wanted the fun parts , but do you want to go to their little league games and recitals . we totally have . like clockwork . well , im glad someone has . look , before anyone says anything else , how could you possibly think you could get our kids . it happens more than you know , marge . im a lawyer hes a surfer . that combinations pretty unstoppable . bart well , im afraid that we dont want to be with anyone but mom and whoever she chooses to be with . portia , youre the woman i dream of becoming , but mom is my mom . fine , but youre leaving a gap in our lives that can only be filled by foreign travel , sleeping late and gourmet food . you guys lock up . were going to bali . again . weve won . whoo hoo . kids , your father and i have decided were not in such a hurry to get you guardians . instead of concentrating on dying , were going to concentrate on living . if you call this living . why , you little i do call this living . living the way kids in india can only dream of . there is nothing like your biological family . homer i win . lenny win what . homer i forget . shh . springfield . the szyslaks . already cancelled . everything i know about women can be summed up by a jump rope rhyme girls go to mars to buy candy bars , boys go to jupiter to get more stupider . except i didnt have to go to jupiter to get stupider . i had a bigger ball of gas i could study . female gps in three tenths of a mile , make a right turn . homer , listen to the gps . gps turn right homer , watch the road . onto first street , head east . not this road , the other road . ladies , please . you can boss me around , just one at a time . on main street , turn right now our sunday drive is ruined . hands at ten and two . marge what are you doing . it said turn left , not right . bart huh . homer huh . hmm . what the . gps switching to male voice male gps so you will obey . finally . a supervisor . oh so the closest thing i had to an adult male role model were the schoolyard bullies . hey , simpson . i dare you to stick this caterpillar down that girls dress . cant i just stick it in skinners sloppy joe . it would actually be the only meat in said joe . not everything can be solved with skinner pranks , bart . yeah , think outside the skinner box . hey , look , that movie we were in got short listed for an oscar . kearney awesome . whos that stickin a fuzzy wuzzy down my back . mary spuckler . lady im your knight in shining armor and i love you . i thought you left home to be a star . theres a lot of with a voice and a dream . i only got work as a hand model . whoa . thats your hand . just the thumb . did you miss me . get out of my face , cootie breath . i did miss you . you stink . come over saturday . im gonna have to push you in the mud now . dont you pig waller me , mister . do what you must , darlin . that sure makes up for my dad beating me last night . and for my dyslexia . mary . thank god i wore the underwear with the hole on the side . its in the morning . im a farm girl . i already milked the cows , overcame a bout of prairie madness , and made you some sausage and biscuits . rain is so romantic , dont you think . you get the picture . perfect girl . so like a schmuck , i treat her like day old matzo . bart doctors without borders , youre now doctors without faces . bart , when are we gonna do girl things , like catch a frog or leg wrestle . soon , baby , soon . let me just kill milhouses character . he thinks were on the same team . milhouse betrayed again . mary , could i steal bart for a minute . ask his girlfriend , the game . oh , mary , you know youre the coolest person ive ever hung out with . milhouse another betrayal . bart simpson , i dont know what the future holds for you if youre lucky , me , then this . but , bart , i do know this you will not do better than mary spuckler , so dont ignore her for a stupid video game . hey , relax . she knows shes the apple of the corner of my eye . bart , do you mind if i call my mother . not at all . mama . come pick me up , im bored . brandine youll have to wait . the mules takin a nap . we hope its a nap . dinnertime . now , lets enjoy the granola bars that city fella gave us in exchange for lettin him go . thatll teach him to try to preserve our folk singing for posterity . just wait till my dad hears this at a . m . on npr . itll prove im not wasting my life . you realize you just ruined the recording . a lot of musical talent in this house . but no one blows on a blade of grass like you . eight more payments and i own this . but are you sure there aint no video game youd rather be playin . all eyes on you , baby . well , tell your eye ears to watch listen to this . i used to think i wanted to roam but there aint not never no place none better than home count the negatives , it all works out . they say that home is where the heart is but for me its where the bart is now what are you doing . i wrote a whole song for you , bart simpson . least you could do is pay me full mind . i was gonna enter it in a competition .  . ay , caramba . well , youre gonna win , cause youve got star quality . like the hulk in movies other than the hulk . you know what . every now and then you say the perfect thing . mary , its our turn to use the boyfriend room . yall dont have boyfriends . wes gonna practice kissing with this french canadian mountain man . pourquoi mavez vous amen ici . hes still wearing leg shackles . all men is unpolished stones . ou est le whisky que vous mavez promis . and then i ran right home to you . you did everything great , bart . then you told me all about it like a true gentleman . i cant wait to use your moves on lisa . ew . on every level , ew . bart , you have to treat girls like they matter , not like theyre a bunch of milhice . what . its the plural of milhouse . look it up . listen to your sister , boy . what im saying applies to you , too , dad . what are you talkin about . marge and i are goin great . homer simpson . did you take maggie to moes . it was during happy hour . dont you want our baby to be happy . dont you see . youre taking women for granted . and aside from being lumped together and generalized about , its the one thing all women hate . how can something that applies to bart apply to me . im so much older and wiser . more like balder and wider . why you little ill teach you to say something that sounds similar . thank you , last contestant . tomorrow we will feature the no longer racist country comedy of barry the satellite tv guy . isnt it funny how all people are of equal worth . please do not boycott my line of power tools . now all barrys jokes are about his ex wife . no , they aint . were back together . then you got no act . and now , the winner is devon peacock . i can finally get my suspender buckled . looks like we got a feud with the peacocks now . uh huh . all i care is what you think , bart . compliment her . i dont know what she wants . what would my heroes say . slash her face now , bart . slash it while she least expects it . bart , tell mary to play the drums the only thing anyone listens to in any band . its hard to pick just one of those . bart , youd better get your act together . and me , too . ive gotta get these shirts to the dry cleaners . they close at . bart simpson , you get out of that gosh darned fugue state this instant . lift my spirits . um lifting peoples spirits is an interesting topic . for centuries , neanderthal and astronaut alike have enjoyed lifting spirits . youre givin me book report talk . excuse me , i am a brazilian record producer . i concentrate in the rapidly growing jug band samba fusion market . oh , my god . do you know billy bobaloo skeeter rodriguez . know him . before he was famous , he kidnapped my mother . mary , would you like to have dinner with me and my handsome , girl crazy son tonight . i am the first boy to get my own liquor ad . bart , you want to come with us . i need you . mary , weve just been through three hours of music . usually , i only have music one hour a week , and the teacher spends it reading real estate listings for fire island . ill see you later , bart . mary , are you okay . sure . everythings fine . at that moment , i had a vision of every time in my life an angry woman would say everythings fine . i guess its just me and the dog . everythings fine . now . melvis . wheres mary . i brung you regrets from my sister . she has been de avoidably untained . am i getting dumped . okay , bart , maybe you blew it by taking mary for granted . woman are lifes great mystery , along with why do they give you salt and pepper at a chinese restaurant . but if you want one more shot , i know a date that will turn this mighty aphrodite into your purple rose of cairo . those are movies i made . its my oeuvre . it sounds dirty , but its not . everyones fast asleep . its like my second wedding night , except more walkouts and there were no refunds . gee can i see you tomorrow night . sure , ill be here with my other boyfriend . hes watching us now . boy oh , boy . okay , luann , its all settled . were gonna ditch milhouse . bart , i think its best if we take a break . good idea , i can chuck eggs at the other couples . just hug me , dummy . back pats . this is a breakup . youll be fine . theres a pot for every possum . give me another chance . ill be way more attentive to your needs on the seesaw . ill stay down there for as long as you want . sorry , bart , im a hillbilly girl of . if im not married in the next few months , nobodys gonna want me . not even old joe clabby . hey , youre a pretty little thing , you are , but ticktock , . good bye, , bart . aw , sweetie . i told you this would happen if you dated outside the family . mm mm . move along , relationships over . sure do like forcing people to leave areas . yeah . marge i was the only without a date at pattys new lady friends travel bookstore soft opening . you told me it was up to me if i wanted to go . you should know that me saying i dont care means i couldnt care more . i am sick and tired of trying to decode you like youre some kind of human being separate from myself . bart , would you go to your room while your father and i finish our little talk . little talk . you guys are having a big fight . this is the problem with women  they dont say what they mean until its too late . all right , fine . if you boys want it , ill tell you what i really think . finally , were getting somewhere . youre both in the doghouse , which is misleading cause i still like the dog . hand me my suitcase , boy . when do i get a krusty suitcase . when youre older . so this is where you go when mom kicks you out . youre saying it like it happens all the time . and by the way , the paints a little faded on my parking spot . you call this a platinum club experience . well get right on it , mr . simpson . i told you a thousand times , call me homer . oh , whats this notice on the wall . standard hotel boilerplate . it just says somebody died in this room in the last hours . aw , man , we just missed it . oh , itll happen again , son . um , ive got to make a phone call . eh , knock yourself out . doh . not again . mary . oh , thats odd . i thought i was calling the suicide not line , because im doing great . so , um , how are you handling taking a break . great . turns out adele was right . aint nothing better for songwriting than when your relationship takes a bolt to the brain . tell me what you think . i broke up with a fella but i aint grieving he was much too proud of underachieving i cant believe i liked him i must have been blind he wasnt so smart or handsome or kind every moment with that boy was totally horrid and i cant even tell where his hair meets his forehead why did i buy her that rhyming dictionary . my eyes are wide open now i see his warts i wish him well , down in hell where hell eat his own shorts . it just poured out of me like venom from a snake . i had this idea years ago , but your mother wouldnt let me do it . shows how much she its hurting my eyes . its so great here  no wife to get mad at you for closing your laptop whenever they walk into the room . or getting your kid hooked on pot . shes my kid , too , you know . you know what we need . a classic kicked out of the house party . now , whos got a rocking cd . ive got the audio book of robert caros the passage of power . thats it . well , then lets power this party up . robert caro air force one , the presidents plane , is divided behind the crews cockpit into three compartments . in the first of them , just behind the cockpit , women sat weeping and secret service agents were trying to hold back tears . youve heard of strong men crying . well , we had it there that day , recalls a reporter . as the pilot lifted the big jet off the dallas runway , in a climb so steep that to a man i miss mary . i miss roxie . thats the club where i used to smoke pot with my kid . this calls for decisive action . like lbjs use of the period of mourning following the assassination to push through the civil rights act . but how do we figure out what to do . the same way hollywood does . by watching british movies . the prime minister , that is to say , i would like to make an emergency declaration of love to my poor but cheeky secretary . what , me . eliza commonbottom . i that is to say flibberty gibberty . ah all the young dudes hey , dudes carry the news oh , yeah boogaloo dudes love is more powerful than all my magic . hard to believe that country used to rule anything . agreed , but to win back our women , we need to make a grand romantic gesture . others hear , . after we finish watching the movie . carry the news all the young dudes carry the news lets hear the news , come on . hmm , cursive . you are invited to a grand gesture . oh . i wrote this song to say im sorry dad , dont be a credit hog the melody is by beethoven not bad for a movie dog ill stop eating from the garbage marge , you will get the last pork chop oh a completed chore list . and i promise to do the things i checked off within a year . spuckler mary , please forgive me all i ask is one more chance . bart , youre a good duck , but we wouldnt last . but im the main guy in this story . things are supposed to work out for me . everyone is the main guy in their own story . my friend , welcome to my story . and thats when i learned cupid was just a fat , naked jerk with an arrow . but surely you didnt give up on love after just one setback . love is our only defense against the abyss in this meaningless universe . love  what is it . what does it mean . how do you spell it . no one knows . fortunately there is a cure . any video game ever made . female computer voice remember , this game is for age or under . if you are older than that , please get help . get help , get help . married . male computer voice one message received from the widow mary spuckler . whoo hoo . well done , bart . you played that like a combination of willie mays and paul czanne . who are you . i you know , i i played the ant in antz , the lesser known of the ant movies . oh , yeah . springfield . ew . bart dad , what are you watching . i think its a terrence malick movie . no , youre watching baby poindexter , the most educational dvd available at the checkout aisle at the grocery store . finally , a kids show that isnt trying to sell you something . which reminds me , we need to order more rectangles . female narrator friends . friends . colleagues . dont watch that dvd . i threw that away because studies show it doesnt do any good . look at me . maybe instead of watching tv with the kids , you could take them outside . what are you doing . this so called educational dvd may have even stunted the development of the kids who watched it . lisa wait a minute . didnt bart and i both watch this thing when we were little . im afraid so . well , the obvious question is , why did i turn out so academically superior while bart while bart turned out so wonderful in his own way . thats the way people talk about ralph . ralph , whose favorite color is peanut butter . i wish i knew what happened . but now that i know better , no dvds for you kids . just educational television . narrator we return to ice road hand fishing . this has been our way of life since we were pitched the idea by reality show producers . welcome to thieving bear chopper hunt . okay , no tv at all . all what . honey , this sounds like a noble experiment , but like prohibition , it will end in a hail of bullets . fine . no tv for hours . whered you pull that crazy number . we can do without tv for a day . were taking maggie to a childrens book store , where she can learn the old fashioned way . the way children did from to . homer , a little help . im on it . hmm . hmm . if i buy you , why do i need all these books . shut up , shut up , shut up . instead of watching tv , we can read childrens books written by tv stars . whos milli vanilli . i dont know , kid . i didnt write this . no refunds . look , maggie , they have a story lady . one day , silly sally said , lets have a sloppy , gloppy supper . first , they slurped their soup . slurp , . then they chewed their bread . chew , . more soup . oh , i could slurp this soup forever . slurp , sorry , folks , she doesnt even work here . homer spot the hidden objects . boy , youre pretty pushy for a book i just met . gotcha . candy cane in the umbrella stand oldest trick in the book . okay , lets see . ah , . have you seen lisa and maggie . if theyre not a trumpet or a rolling pin , then no . yip . homie , help me find them . okay , now to see if i can apply my book knowledge to the real world . got them . wow , no tv for hours . i couldnt get through a day without doctors oz , phil and gupta . youre right . im bored . epoxy fight . what the hell is an epoxy fight . oh . dont worry , ill clean it up . get me some whip cream and a safety scissors . dont worry , all i need is a cigarette lighter and some sandpaper . all right , lets just use a razor . oh , my god . you look just like your dad . lets see how far we can take this . and finally the tie . i always wanted to wear a necktie . mom says they make you more of a man . now sing the alphabet song . a b h i what if we van houten to the max . whoa , thats a little too tight . oh , yeah . nah , back to the sweet spot . milhouse , if people believe youre a grown up, , we can do anything . like we go to a movie theater and pay full price . that would be awesome . okay , first , tone it down . time to teach you to be a man . what , now im not pulling it off . here comes your man here comes your man here comes your man here comes your man . and put the gas bill on auto pay . nice . time for your final test . oh , great . another invasive skype from mil huh . hello , lisa . this is my daddy . i mean , um , kirk van houten . may i speak to your father , please . hes right here . homer , bart would like to spend the night at our house , and he has my permission . sure . what do i care . not so fast . huh . i also want to say that bart is a remarkable boy , and i disapprove of your fathering and of your fat stomach . oh , well , uh sorry . give him anything he wants  bigger allowance , a new bike  just do it . whatever you say , sir . dad , why are you kowtowing to mr . van houten . sometimes its just so nice to have a man take charge . and in ten years , make lisa go to the prom with milhouse . dad . own ups have their reasons . now , i want you to eat a gallon of ice cream in under two minutes . but i just did that . you now have one minute , seconds . im going to like being an adult . now youre the same height as your dad . i can reach the poisons now , each with an inviting skull and crossbones . kirk , you wearing that shirt i bought you . i thought you didnt like it . i love when you buy me clothes . you know whats itchy and whats not . oh , kirk evelyn van houten . i wish my dad could have been here to see my parents kiss . now , did you get kirks license . uh huh . ay , caramba . i rented a truck . im driving a truck . i crashed a truck . i rented another truck . hey , simpson , dont you have a lame dad of your own . uh , i id give you all my money , but my wallet is velcroed too tight . youre the wussiest adult ive ever seen . an adult  hes buying it . kirk , remember , you have the superpowers of a middle aged man . hello , mr . kirk . i want to buy this beer , uh , cigarettes , magazines with boobs and three pairs of sunglasses . polarized . i suspect you are buying for underage bullies , but as that is of my business , i say , thank you , sir . come again . yo , bart . your grown man friend is all right . we should start threatening more adults . wouldnt that make us criminals instead of bullies . lets beat up a philosopher until he gives us the answer . oh , good idea . yeah , im in . i made my mom happy and got through the bullies without a punch . being an adult is super easy . hmm , . you dope . it says those are for her pleasure . now its time for me to live my fantasy with mature themes . ill go behind that curtain a boy but come out a man . hmm , more money for schools . that could translate into more homework . i know this is highly illegal , but youre not leaving this booth till you punch yes . dont bother screaming for help . this is a municipal off cycle election . theres no one for miles . dont forget your sticker . uh , hey , bartender . wed like two milks , and then you can tell us where babies come from . oh , well , in my case , my mom was hit with a voodoo curse . i gestated for five years , then i popped out backwards and on fire . really . oh , yeah , keep my tail right here in this jar . good times . mom , i think maggie misses tv . you know , mom , i was thinking we could take maggie downtown . the jazz hole is featuring a dizzy gillespie tribute band . their trumpeter has the puffiest cheeks . i dont think so . the u . s . embassy has warned people not to go to downtown springfield . i get it . middle child , never do what i want . hmm . okay , i also know of a puppet show . long before the teutonic slaughters visited upon our people , there was the massacre by mstislov of kiev in . maybe we should go . nobody leave till every puppet dead . bart , you wanted to show me something . just one sec . nelson gave me some notes on a prank im doing . now , i asked you here because i know a cool grown up who will take you to that club in the city . really . who . hello , lisa . milhouse . milhouse . whos milhouse . i mean , he hes my son . well , milhouse , you might get past the bouncer at the jazz club , because theyre in no position to turn anyone away , but it doesnt matter , cause we cant pay for the gas and the cover fee anyway . au contraire , starfish hair . the baby poindexter company is being forced to pay a settlement to any parent who had enough misguided love to buy their videos . theyre not gonna write a check to a couple of kids . then i will be your guys dad . thanks , but lowering your voice and standing on paint cans doesnt make you man enough to be my dad . homer marge , can i get a subscription to highlights magazine . marge homer , thats for children . homer where does it say that . marge read the rest of the title . homer highlights for doh . oh , dang it . i lost my other earring . leave it to me . earring . oh . thimble from monopoly game . wondered where that was . casino chip . oh . the smallest nesting doll . oh . can you find anything you like in this bed . just my honey pie . want to split it while we snuggle . mm hmm . marge now what are you doing . homer licking the wrapper . there you go , one adult and two children one way downtown . um , as adults , what do we do now . shake hands . if you like . and thats how you do it . now , remember , i cant sit backwards or i get sick . well , if i look at your face , i get sick . young man , apologize to your sister . make me , baldy . why , you little my adulthood . i never thought id say this , but that is conduct unbecoming of a bus station . whered your babies go . your intellect deadening dvds turned my brothers brain to jelly . pretty shapes tell me to kill everybody . looks like youre entitled to the full rebate of .  . thats all you pay for screwing up a child for life . kids , let me handle this . uh , wed like it in singles and nickels , please . terrific . just need your signature . in cursive . x is fine . in cursive . oh , its just enough to get home . im hungry now . hey , im walking on paint cans all day . give me a break . guys , look , free breakfast if we sit through a sales pitch . just remember , milhouse , do not buy the condo . but what if we cant afford not to buy it . waldo , . homer , bart said the kids were going to the van houtens , but luann just told me theyre supposed to be here . theyve disappeared . well get those kids back . because we just bought them new shoes . waldo , . do you think lisa went to that jazz club i wouldnt take her to . how many kids will jazz corrupt . lap pool and fully quipped gym with eucalyptus towels . now , let me give you the different apartment configurations . the hacienda , the urban oasis , castle in the sky , connecticut sunset lady , my stomachs full , and i want to go . thats how it works in this country . if you try to leave , youll find the doors are locked . well , before our dad signs any contracts , he has a surprise for you . oh , i hope its that hes single . im single . though , some days , i have a girl buddy on field trips . youre a bit of a freak . i like that . youre the adult . lisa kirk , dont you have something to tell her . just looking for a casual hookup . yeah , for my thomas the tank engines . oh , i love how i dont exactly understand what youre saying . homie , do you see anything . no . im sorry . its wait a minute . when i said you needed a software update , it was not a criticism . we found what were looking for . the kids . sure , they could be here . who knows . oh , i love how your arms are too short and thin for your legs . just like a crocodile . im feeling a strange , refreshing brew of emotions . oh , yeah . milhouse . howd you know it was me . the top of your head has a shadow . your hair is growing back . tell me your secret . hes ten years old . oh , theres always a catch . is anyone here going to buy a condo . its going to be yes , but dont rush me . and worst of all , you cast my vote . who did you vote for in the nonpartisan judicial election . williamson . no , . im really sorry , dad , but i have to say , it was pretty cool having your life . you mean that . id be happy to wind up just like you . i hope you remember that when i cant pay for your college . now , how would you like to go to your own parent teacher interview while i see a movie . id like that . son , promise you will never look like me . i sure hope not . why , you little thats not a heart warming thing to end on . here comes your man here comes your man here comes your man here comes your man here comes your man here comes your man here comes your man here comes your man . shh . springfield . hmm . i cant believe youre reading when theres so much great stuff on tv . hmm , youre right . it is the golden age of well written, , brilliantly acted tv shows . writing is for bathroom walls , and acting is for getting out of duis . the only reason tv exists is for reality shows about white trash scuzzbags doing subhuman , made up jobs . um oh . ah . eek . yikes . oh . ew . ugh . well ew . ah . dad . no . ah . oh . seriously . ah . oh , jail music . narrator when storage lockers are abandoned , we open them up . our expert bidders face off in the ultimate contest to discover the amazing treasures within . this is storage battles . ill give it one marathon . i dont care what people say , i am feeling this unit . no one feels out a unit like cj . not bubba , not debbie and danny , no one . mostly worthless junk family photo albums , home movies , ah , kids drawings . eh , just some nobody . here we go , here we go . bubble wrap . if theres wrap , it aint crap . bingo . antique bayonets . oh . im talking world war one , spanish american war . crimea , baby . well , if you found the right buyer on the right day , and he knew nothing about bayonets , you might sell them for possibly . definitely .  . five hundy . five hundaminidos . high five me , marge . i want to know what its for . too late . were gonna get rich off the poor and forgetful . and dead people . i bet i win a locker full of treasure , like a solid gold bar of silver or picassos tv . oh , no , . it is i who will be watching picassos tv tonight . looks like youre not the only predatory opportunist in town . theres other p . o . s .  . uh oh, , better put on my game shades . do i hear . let me get . oh , yeah .  . is there out there . looking for . thank you .  . do i have .  . do i hear . yarr . four . do i hear .  . bidding .  .  . skinner .  .  . going once , going twice . going once , going twice . sold to the man who didnt wait for the bidding to get anywhere near . in the money game , cash is king . we spent on a bunch of old boxes . you wont be laughing when these boxes are full of priceless treasures . i wasnt laughing , i was being worried . feather boas . mines full of hand mirrors . ive got perfume spritzers . makeup and baby oil . tights . robes . oh , this stupid locker must have belonged to some old lady . property of abraham j . simpson . this is grampas stuff . why would my man dad have lady stuff . its not all lady stuff . look at all these fitness publications . beefcake mags . i think your dad might be gay . oh , thats insane . my dad was married to a woman who left him because he ignored her needs for decades . ah , my gay dad is gay for gays . i think this is great . old gay men are adorable . like wrinkle dogs in a wrinkle dog calendar . those are pretty cute . your dads been in the closet for so long , he probably doesnt know how tolerant societys become . they even had a gay float in the pride parade last year . my dad has always been so angry . maybe if we help him be who he is , hell finally be happy . oh , homie , youre so enlightened . yeah , gay rights are human rights , baby . are you sure youre not just doing all this because its cool to be accepting of a gay family member . oh , honey , thats just silly . thisll show helen lovejoy . always bragging about her he she cousin . abe , we found your storage locker . its okay , dad . we know the truth , and we love you . what .  . the contents of that locker are my private business . get out . just admit who you are , and you can find new love . if you dont want to die alone , come out of your room . love hi , marge . i was just taking stanlerina to get her hormone shots . oh . your father wasted his whole life being married to your mother and having you . weve got to find him a boyfriend before its too late . why dont you put a personal ad on the internet . thats how young people date these days . its weird that you dont consider yourself a young person . i know . its weird to me , too . help me out of the closet . wonderful older man seeks life partner before rapidly encroaching death . no fatties . how about some fatties . fine . okay , post this under men seeking men . but what subheading . hmm , nothing too serious . here we go , casual encounters . perfect . no pressure . i hope someone saw our ad . if i cant find my father a man to kiss and cuddle , then ive failed as a son . someones coming . are you wrinkled and romantic . huh . what the heck are you talking about , spectacles . oh , ive been hung up on someone for years , but im trapped in the friend zone . its time for me to move on . so move on . youre blocking the ducks . dont you want to be happy , abe . admit who you are , a wonderful gay man . what .  . i dont ride sidesaddle . im straight as a submarine . then how do you explain this . oh , hello , smithers . fancy seeing you in casual encounter park . youre glamorous godfrey . who . glamorous godfrey was the most famous wrestler in the world . and you are he . is this true . burns behold . homer look at all this wrestling crap . lisa ah . bart ay , caramba . fine , i was glamorous godfrey . whats wrong . i so wanted him to be gay . well , on v . e . day , i kissed a man by mistake . thank you . you were a world famous wrestler . spill the beans , old man . word beans . oh , all right , ill tell you . it was the s . homer oh , those things . grampa it was the heyday of pro wrestling . you could make good money if you were the manly mixture of strong and fat we called beefy . good guys were called baby faces . and bad guys were called heels . i was the king of the heels , glamorous godfrey . how dare he . that was drinking milk . grampa my motto was always cheat . but the thing that really drove them crazy was my vanity . you are the luckiest people in the world . you get to look at me . grampa , you were the original bad boy . yeah , i was boastful before all your football showboaters , rap music ers and tv beach italians . but there was a down side to being hated being hated . well , i just couldnt take it . being despised was no way to live . pshaw . pshaw , i say . pshaw yourself . pshaw . pshaw . homer , do something . theyre killing each other . oh , yeah . the world may have despised glamorous godfrey , but that conceited mother puncher was my hero . please , abe , let me buy you dinner in exchange for a few tales of the golden age of professional grappling . sorry , i been trying to forget those days for years . but , grampa , i want to hear about old time wrestling , too . well , it looks like youve made a new fan . itd be a shame to let him down , hmm . fine . one dinner . excellent . so well take the boy and make a night of it . i dont know . should i really let the men who ruined my past and present hang out with the kid whos going to ruin my future . ill bring you home my dessert . text me the choices . burns i cant believe im on the town with glamorous godfrey himself . tell me of your epic battle with swedish olaf johannsen . oh , yeah , the fury of the fjords . you settled that swedes meatballs . what i wouldnt give to see glamorous godfrey in action once more . would you ever consider throwing your wig back into the ring . go back to being a villain . oh , forget that . being hated is the worst feeling there is . youve got it all wrong , my friend . once you see it my way , youll understand that being hated is the greatest feeling in the world . dont really care for chasing women never was keen on booze dont take cocaine or mary jane no , i get drunk on boos uh , thats b o , not z e as before . uh , we get it . because youve got to love to be hated find the good in being bad oh , the crowd is full of gentlemen but theyve paid to see the cad yes , its a hoot , a kick , a gas when youre the villain of the show once you wear black , youll never go back its a high to be loathed chucky , stalin , megatron eric cartman , donkey kong vader , nader , simon legree terminators , one , two and three iago , joker , voldemort mcenroe on center court mr . burns and skeletor keep your good guys , what a snore when its your head they wanna sever and your blood they wanna shed you know youre gonna live forever if everybody wants you dead so listen up , because im giving the best advice youll ever know so feel the thrill i know you will its a high to be loa thed . ill feel like ill live forever as long as everybody wants me dead . okay , burns . glamorous godfrey will wrestle again . that cocaine i ordered is taking forever . i cant wait to see grampa kick some ass . hes always pretended to be boring , but hes really a straight up psycho . your grandfather is not psycho . the only thing hes straight up is loves you . gorilla joe , gorilla sam , gorilla pete , ook and eek , the gorilla twins . where did mr . burns dig up all these old wrestlers . apparently , old folks homes are full of people that used to be things . just like you and me . swear to god . welcome , aficionados of the roped ring , to a thrilling night of senior on action . folding chairs . folding chairs . cant hit somebody when theyre not looking without a folding chair . can i have one . can i . fine . ha . and now our main event . in this corner , baby face palooka . and entering the ring , americas original vainglorious bastard , glamorous godfrey . yes , feel the hatred . it makes you strong , powerful , alive . you are the luckiest people in the world . you get to look at me . you show em , godfrey . youre the prettiest old man in the world . why do you think bad guys are so cool . why do you still have a thing for nelson . im not . thats ridiculous . i just its that he , uh hes a rebel , and only i can change him . its so sad that grampa has to cheat instead of relying on his god given wrestling skills . what kind of person revels in disapproval . what kind of person , indeed . milhouse its the prettiest boy in springfield , bart simpson . whats going on . you are the luckiest people in the world . you get to look at me . hey . hey , simpson , tell your kid to quit showboating . ive never seen anyone so full of self regard . and ive worked with bob balaban . your behavior at that game was unacceptable . youre lucky they gave you your participant trophy . i got one just for watching the game . listen , getting people riled up is what heels do . heel . oh , no . tell me youre not trying to be like grampa . well , sure i am . i always thought grampa was lame , but hes really awesome . your grandfather is super lame . i mean , if he wasnt a terrible father , whats my excuse for this . i know your grandpa seems exciting now , but all that preening and cheating  those turnbuckle antics are not gonna make him happy . burnsy , i cant remember the last time i was so happy . you grandson  ruining fiend . look what your number one fan did at show and . robotic voice wait . ow . ah . wait . who would film such a thing . its found footage . so what . we could use another winner in this family . how are you a winner . youre cheating in a fake sport . fake . ridiculous . if professional wrestling were fake , that would make every fan in the history of the sport a complete and utter moron . mercy . you know , ive always had a keen eye for tiny talent . perhaps you and the lad could tag team up . wrestle with bart . well , he aint beefy , but he is infuriating , and you cant teach infuriating . monty , youre a genius . bart cannot be an old time wrestler . as your inattentive son , and your incompetent employee , i forbid it . oh , why does everything i forbid always happen . so , beautiful , you got your moves memorized . you know it , glamorous . eye gouge . ear bite . folding chair . hair pull . face fart . flying face fart . and then i start fighting dirty . theyre gonna hate you so much . oh , i get it . youre here to tell the kid he cant wrestle with his grandpa . i dont care if bart is a wrestler , a busboy , or even a stoplight squeegee man , as long as hes a nice person . but if he gets too much attention for acting bad , he might turn bad on the inside . eh , thats women talk . now , if youll excuse me , i have to comb out my curls . one two three beautiful bart , can i have your autograph . sure . here you go . eh , hey , bart , leave some of that bad attitude for the ring . the world is my ring now . in this corner , for truth and justice , captain flag and half mast . now entering the ring , the first family of foul play , glamorous godfrey and beautiful bart . you all stink . glamorous godfrey is dead . i am honest abe . and this is laddie liberty . what are you doing . i aint a heel no more , im a good guy . and youre a baby face . but but what about the cheating . no more cheating . and the preening . no more preening . but im so pretty . thats for others to say now . what are you doing , godfrey . youre a villain , not some bullet brained rail splitter . without someone to hate , theres no excitement , no thrill . i dont care . my grandsons soul is at stake . how dare you . i wrote a song for you . when am i ever going to use that again . curse you , and this morbidly obese little half wit . so , they only want to see a good guy fight a bad guy , eh . whoa whoa hes taking on mean man monty . go get him , honest abe . this is why we go to everything in this town  it always pays off . honest abe , can i pin him . ha ha . you know it , laddie liberty . damndest boos i ever heard . theyre cheering , grampa . this is what ive been missing my whole life . oh , that was so sweet . i wish grampa was my dad . shh . springfield . hmm . you little . mm . hmm . mmm . everybody out . everybody in . bathroom break . i spilled my pills . music today has no melody . everybody out . children , you can stop writing letters of support to our troops that was just busywork . now , i want to explain miss hoovers absence . she is suffering from severe depression . not to worry , she has been treated with heavy doses of lorazepam and other drugs from the benzodiazepine family . now , until miss hoover returns , this class will be getting a permanent substitute . please let it be someone smart , motivated , and who wont just teach us corporate sponsored lessons . lisa , without corporate sponsorship , we wouldnt be able to teach you the three rs reading , refreshment and raspberry buzz lite . get your razz on . confident , vassar sticker on the windshield . could it be . do i detect enthusiasm . shes brought her own orrery . and its got no pluto . how cutting edge . please be her , please be her . is this ms . hoovers class . score . meet your new teacher , ms . cantwell . do not call her by the obvious dirty nickname . now i must meet with the new art teacher , mr . testacleese . lisa simpson . hi . as second grade student faculty liaison , id like to welcome you get back in your seat . if i have any apples that need polishing , ill let you know . i understand there are homework assignments . mm . well done , ralpa . if i cant remember the right letter , i just put an a . well , heres another one . well , while youre grading so generously , heres mine . b . as in , because i say so . nothing brings them around like old cafeteria meatballs . meat .  . i thought you might be cold , honey , so i put this chinchilla coat on you . fur .  . its not really chinchilla . i just thought she needed more sleep . hey , flanders . can i borrow some sugar . sure . uh , a little cream . goes with the sugar . now if you could make with some bacon and eggs , ill be on my way . why dont you come on in and have breakfast with us . are your kids gonna be there . eh , for a little bit . okay . homer , you know my parents , capri and nedward . hey , homer j . how many beers did you kill today . dad , dont encourage him . son , you are the mayor of dullsville . now , you know we dont discuss politics at the table . hello , police . id like to report a buzz kill in progress . theres no emergency here . and please charge us for the false report . im going out for a power walk . whoa , this room just got a whole lot cooler . oh , man . okay , children , ten minutes of free play . im a fun factory . lisa , free play . but i am playing . im hop scotching from paragraph to paragraph , climbing the monkey bars of plot and theme . ugh , bull pie . youre trying to get ahead of the other children . thats it , youre losing joeys . please keep them together . if not for me , for the mother . is it possible ive met a teacher who doesnt like me . the joeys go in feet first . chauncey . six miles , and im all smiles . whew . funyuns . little debbies . thats cross legged music . look at the size of that bird . id go henry viii on those drumsticks . homer , i cant believe youre partaking with my parents . yeah , its medicinal . we had a pain in our neck . i didnt know you were left handed . homer , youll need to wear this eye patch for a couple weeks . and , uh , you may never see a film in again . but the storytelling is finally catching up to the technology . ned flanders . i cant believe you struck my husband . marge , ive been racked with guilt and pain . my mustache fell out this is a clip on . sorry , homer . now , do you mind if i pray at your bedside . no , i dont . if you pray to superman . not praying to a character in a comic book . what about christian archie comics . neither canonical nor comical . here , ill get you started . hail superman , wearing tights , clark kent be thy name , one nation , under zod not praying to superman . grouch . ned , homies a little cranky right now . more than his eye , i think you hurt his feelings . give him one of your famous murmurs , marge . my what . your famous murmur . you know . i never made that noise in my life . thanks , flanders . punch my eye , destroy my marriage . now just pull the plug and let me die . thats the plug for the light . neddy , i know you feel guilty about coldcocking homer . please dont use that word in bed . you need to get some sleep . dare i take another sleep aid . better not take a full dose . mmm . see you in eight hours . was this always waiting for me , or was it recently thrown together . thats what i want to know . male voices hey diddly hell diddly welcome neighborino hey diddly hell diddly welcome neighborino down here , we worship famous atheist richard dawkins , author of the god delusion . im making catholic saint stew . no , not surf n murph . the answer to my woe must be in here . whoo lets get it on nope , not that . not to my taste . flag that for later . finally . i know what i must do . ms . cantwell . yes . why are you so mean to me . you really want to know . more than i want unicorns to be real . well , if you guess , ill give you extra credit . i remind you of you . now youve got a demerit . this class doesnt give demerits . now it does , and you just got another one . what if i homeschool . youre bluffing ive driven by your home . principal skinner not now . im dealing with mr . testacleese . look , kids can be cruel , dick . nelson ha ha . we dont know when weve gone too far . ann , mark , bill and sally are on the ferris wheel . ann is behind sally . mark is in front of bill . look whos on the ferris wheel . your precious joeys . better switch to social studies . eleanor roosevelt became franklins eyes and ears and heres the new deal you fail . oh . i wish you wouldnt wear sweaters that the senior ladies knit . well , putting my arms in sleeves is about all i got to offer a woman . oh . whats the matter , sweetie . is a book character having difficulties . i have a bully at school . oh . did you tell the teacher . my bully is my teacher . a teacher cant be a bully . oh , they sure can . when i was a boy , teachers would rap my knuckles with a yardstick . now youve got the metric system . we dont have the metric system . what . this isnt sweden . and im not king olaf . oh , i got some explaining to do down at the bank . chalmers skinner . why am i here . did this fat boy injure his eye in shop class . that place is a killing field . were here because our daughter is being bullied by your teacher . mrs . simpson , this school does not hire bullies . thats right . we quiet , nerd . well , shes just a substitute . maybe you could transfer ms . cantwell to another school . nix . shes already got two weeks tenure , so shes impossible to dislodge . i hate unions . theres this guy at my plant , caused three meltdowns , and he still keeps his job . homer , thats you . oh , yeah . i say , union , you say , power . union . power . union . power . marge , youre really dogging it on the power . but dont worry . because of the union , youre safe . so , just what are you gonna do for our daughter . we should talk about what were going to promise to do , not what well actually do . we really appreciate that . look at those eyes . theres an employee with a healthy case of the go get . hear that lions roar of determination . homer , i found the answer . wha . huh . flanders . how did you get in here . this place is a highly sensitive area . who here wants to touch radiation . life shall go for life , eye for an eye , tooth for a tooth . hey , i dont go to where you work and read the bible to you . i would embrace such a glad visit . just what do you want . i want you to punch me in the eye . if you do , then were even , according to exodus , leviticus and matthew . you went and hired a law firm , eh . thats pretty aggressive . jeepers creepers , pop my peeper . come on , man . whats the catch . homer , just call me a little bubble , cause im on the level . punch me . hmm . come on , homer . im insisting on a fisting . whats this about a fisting . im not punching you , flanders . what . why . because if i hit you back , well be even . but if i dont hit you , that makes me the better man . and im liking the way that feels . no , you cant . if im not as good as you , then im horrible . its not for me to judge , ned , because i am the better man . now , theres no need to better man , coming through . way better better . way better better . zing . enough . you may be the sweater man , but homer is the better man . now youre rhyming .  . oh . i didnt know you were left handed . hello , lisa . i was shocked to hear from principal skinner that you and i arent getting along . you should never tell on a bully , lisa . everyone knows that . lisa simpson .  . in detention . every rap sheet has a first line . what are you in for , murdering chopin . chopin . can i ask you guys something . why does someone become a bully . neglect . abuse . im a cubs fan . but why would my teacher be a bully . what . huh . i dont know . your bullys a teacher . that means all of us can be teachers . boo yah . im gonna buy me a hyundai elantra . oh , cool . whoa . oh . do not cross . it is that monster that terrorizes the jolly fat man . come on , people . youre safe as sunday with me . i wouldnt hurt a fly . i saw the whole thing . that innocent fly flew from that fresh pile of dog feces right into that monsters mouth . fear not , people . i will lead you safely across . man idiot . help me , flanders . never get into heaven . took harp lessons for nothing . announcer and here comes the tarp . the word tarp , of course , is short for tarpaulin , which wikipedia defines as a strong , resilient , water resistant material . that definition is a hit with no errors . whats wrong , sweetie . my teachers still bullying me . even after we came to school . that just made it worse . oh , every time i try to fix things , it just makes things worse . but im gonna fix this . uh huh . i think i have an idea . now theres a baby duck paddling around on the tarp . you think they move those legs one at a time or both at once . announcer oh , id go with one at a time , vic . announcer you know , the great mel ott used to raise ducks in louisiana during the off season . and when a duck got sick , he would take it to bed with him till it got well . mm hmm . flanders , ive come to forgive you . oh , my prayers have been answered . well , actually , just this one . uh , there is one condition . you want to hit me . well , sir , heres a roll of quarters to put in your fist for extra punching power . now , you can shatter my orbital bone . thatll knock the wax off my candle . dont want to hit you . i want your wife . to elaborate , i want your wife , the teacher , to help get rid of lisas substitute . edna . you know how you said you could help me with any desire , and nothing was forbidden . well , sir , i want you to rid of lisas bully teacher . oh . well , theres only one way the nuclear option . how much plutonium do you want . got to warn you , it might take me ms . cantwell . yes . i have a new student for your class . yo . yes , this is a very rare mid year two grade send back . somethings fishy . are you dating this boy . right . i cant be around him cause hes so delicious . well , i cant see what harm one kid could do . when i come out of this , ill be a butterfly . i just went to the bathroom for two minutes . i know . posted a video online . stupid lisa , stupid lisa , stupid lisa . okay , youve won . youve driven me out of this plum substitute teaching job . ms . cantwell , i can make this stop . all you have to do is like me . i cant . wait , . theres no need to leave . you showed up before the students thats all we asked . you two are the worst dressed gay men ive ever met . ms . cantwell , wait . ive got to know before you leave . why dont you like me . lisa , sometimes you just dont like a person . theres no logical explanation . it just is . that is so unsatisfying . here we go . if you dont get what you want , you get all pouty . all you pretty girls are the same . you think im pretty . right , like you dont get told that every day of your life , with your perfect blonde hair , that kewpie doll voice that drives the boys crazy . and what eight year wears pearls . bookworms like me cant stand party girls like you . she hates me because im pretty . not so pretty now , are you . can you sign my yearbook . im glad the only beef between us is this burger . mm , they sure are getting along . they dont know it , but i slipped a little into the brownies i gave them . how long has it been since we prayed together , neighbor . this is praying . let me out of here . help me , god . shh . springfield . mm . a plague is sweeping through springfield . a blue bonnet plague . springfields ladies are wearing colorful easter hats to celebrate the resurrection of jesus christ . i could write a sonnet about your easter bonnet and of the girl im taking to the easter parade . whoa . wed better get this concert started . the giant chocolate bunnys melting . hollow . we paid for solid . chief , the companys named bunny hollow . i thought that was where they lived . look at those delightful children , smithers . all those healthy organs , ripe for the harvesting . not here , sir . not now . mm . hmm . uh , not sure what im expecting to happen here . here comes flute and piccolos what comes next , the horns , the horns , blow , you little disappointments . ah . who couldve shoved eggs up our brass . his amusement is tantamount to culpability . easy , . lets not jump to conclus too late . already jumped . egg dont belong in a chickens eye . it belongs in her pee poo . kill that boy . its easter why arent these people at work . good lord . look at all these comical booklets . yes , . just dont exhale your death breath directly on them . thank you . you know , i used to collect these bestapled fables . what are you reading . the adventures of the good shepherd and his sidekick , the fleecy kid . bah . thats his battle cry . baa . the sound which terrifies sheep rustlers the length and breadth of michigans untamed upper peninsula . you should be out in the fresh air , kicking dogs . im gonna buy this publishing company and burn it to the ground . why did you have to lock us in . teach my son a lesson . how much for your entire collection . um , the speed of light , expressed in dollars . just give him faradays constant . nice going , bart . youve ruined halloween , thanksgiving , christmas and easter . the legendary grand slam . you guys , i swear i didnt do it . oh , i dont like the sound of that funeral march . okay , ill pay for your damn band candy . what was it , . forget the candy . were here to turn this into this . now do me wearing a sombrero . now have me sleeping under a cactus . doh . hand over your son , so we can administer band justice . i know this looks bad . and i admit , i would totally lie in a second to lisa or mom or dad , but i would never lie to maggie . i did not do that prank . wow , he passed the maggie test . and remember how maggie solved cookiegate . all too well . to prove my brothers innocence , i demand a youth court . thats right . bart must not be judged by these kids , but by a jury , of kids . mostly these kids . theres only so many kids . im afraid once a youth court has been demanded , we are legally obligated to shut down mob rule , as decided in the case of rubber v . glue and reaffirmed by i know you are v . what am i . son , if theres one thing ive learned as a defendant and a juror , its stay out of the courtroom . its so frickin boring . run , boy . ill create a distraction . anyone can conduct sousa . good news , bad news were allowed to select the judge , but its impossible to find one who doesnt hate you . i know someone who would make a great judge . would you kids believe your grampa once argued in front of the supreme court . no . sorry . not a chance . i mean , its true . it was back in . i say individual rights . i say the common good . gentlemen , our system balances both . oh , yeah , and how would you know . attorney general janet reno . thats right . and that better not be your gum on the ground . uh , its not , but ill take care of it . stop doing that . this is better than being a real attorney or a real general . the attorney general and i have been playing chess through the mail ever since . i find that a little hard to believe . yeah , why would you play chess through the mail when you can play chess through the internet . or preferably , not play chess at all . see here , sass mouth , youre not too big for me to tan your hide . its not a threat if i dont know what it means . ill fix your wagon . thanks . id like that . i get a whiff of the immigrant from these newfangled superheroes . hmm . reclusive millionaire , stately mansion , damaged psyche . hes just like me . smithers , i , too , shall become a crime fighting bat . hmm . but i wont become just any bat . i shall be the terrifying bat who swoops from the sky and sucks the vital essence of his prey . i shall be fruit bat man . great , . i i dont suppose youll be forgetting about this tomorrow . no sooner than id forget my own mother . thats not your mother , thats your bear . well , then , wheres my stuffed mother . all right , you soft skulled nitwits , sit up straight , because we finally have someone in this school who deserves your respect former attorney general janet reno . thank you , gary . grampas story was true . first , i would like to say , rook to e  . checkmate . dagnabbit . youth court is now in session . god , i love gaveling . mr . prosecutor . over the next few days , youre going to hear how the defendant , bartholomew simpson , aka the springfield egger objection . prejudicial . sustained . she sustained me . how bartholomew simpson wantonly egged this town with milhouse aforethought . now , hold on . principal skinner , are you wearing hard soled shoes on this gym floor . no , maam . sneakers . youre wearing sneakers to a trial . oh , god , the press is gonna have a field day with this . yay , field day . i can go cuckoo and no one can stop me . thats exactly what george w . bush said when he was inaugurated . people dont remember that . this case is going great . although as usual , i look nothing like the courtroom artists drawing . nice try , pop . very dramatic , sir . a little more brooding , and theres my superhero . now lets get you to bed and hist . look there . this looks like a job for fruit bat man . perhaps we should , uh , just call the police . the police . bah . every last man on the take . and i should know , because im on the give . ive never felt more alive . look , ill give you each if you pretend to let that old man out there stop this crime . mm . mm . feel the crumbling fist of justice . ouchers . oh , dear . who are you , mysterious octogenarian of the night . i am the squeak in the rafters , the flutter in the chimney , the tiny teeth marks in the peach . i am fruit bat man . now back to my natural realm , the inky night . doh . ill just take one of these key chain penlights . you have to keep squeezing this thing . who has the strength for that . so when i came in , the monday after easter , i noticed three dozen eggs missing . and do you think this boy took those eggs . him . all he takes are sodas and desserts . objection . unhealthy . but could bart have gotten those eggs . no way . they were under lock and key . no one could have touched those eggs except me and the seagulls that laid them . no further questions . ah , to be young and on trial . a toast to our enigmatic new protector , who certainly isnt me . smithers , wink my eye . want to hit the hot tub , burnsie . well , i hate to get all pruney , but heated tubbery is what we playboys do . great work , everyone . thats a wrap . its nice to make an old man feel good about himself . you said it . so bart couldnt have taken the eggs . i was with him the whole weekend . youd make up any lie for that simpson boy , wouldnt you . yeah , but id pee my pants . nelson . dry as a bone . now , thats what i call legal briefs . i thought of the joke and rushed over . your honor , i think weve seen enough . i have demolished the prosecutions claims and made the prosecutor sweat through two shirts . i move that you dismiss this case and release this sweet , lovable boy . motion denied . miss simpson , your grandstanding summation contained a grievous error . by calling your brother sweet and lovable , you opened the door to testimony from anyone who doesnt think hes sweet and lovable . the prosecution calls everyone in the world . mr . szyslak , what name did the defendant ask for when he called you at your bar . he asked for , um mike rotch . and then what did you say . well , i said , um i said , mike rotch . um , mike rotch . and then i im sorry . take all the time you need . i , uh , i , uh , i yelled out , has anybody seen mike rotch . see , they see , they thought i was asking if anybody wanted to see my my oh , man , this is so painful . my crotch . thank you for your bravery today . i just had to make sure that he never did this to another bartender . pass the gravy , gloria all wrong . the trials not over , and gravy is dead animal juice . hmm . hmm . just remember this a simpson never gives up . you got to be kidding . a civilian . she mustnt know im a hero . gouge her eyes out . mr . burns , i came here because my brother is about to be wrongfully convicted , and the man im looking for would help me find the truth . dont you get it . i dont care who you are or what you want . now get lost . i think you just sent away the first person you could have actually helped . what do you mean , actually . ive punched out four homer simpson shaped burglars tonight alone . all those crooks were fakes , set up by me . even the abominable dr . lenny . no , he was a happy accident . but the rest were fakes , just like you , a man who claims to be a hero but is nothing more than a fraud with a cute little bod . theyre calling for you , sir , but whos gonna answer . ah . what the hell is that .  . and so ive learned that the only true batmen are christian bale and adam west . why are you washing bumblebee mans pants . i volunteered to wash the egg stains off everyones clothes . its one of those things you say and hope nobody takes you up on it . thats odd . whats odd . this skirt has a small splatter . splatter . splatter as if the egg had been crushed against it by hand . i dont follow . like someone faked being hit , so they wouldnt be a suspect . interesting , except you missed one thing . whats that . its not a skirt . its a kilt . oh , the wood chipper . is there any sweeter music . whyd you do it , willy . because the world is better off with four fewer welshmen . wait , what are we talking about . this kilt says you framed my brother . why . because i hate easter . you see , ladies , im not just a presbyterian , im a scottish old believer presbyterian . old believers dont recognize holidays not celebrated by the original apostles , especially one named after the pagan god , eostre . but how did you get the key . i made sweet love to lunchlady dora , then copied the key as she slept . hmm . mm hmm . now , as for your evidence behold , the pointed ears of justice . ah . a human fruit bat . youre so light . its like fighting a silk scarf . or a kimono sash . yes , feel the weightless tickle of justice . which side won . good or evil . good . and which side was i on . also good . well , theres two surprises . will the defendant please rise . its amazing how much exercise ive gotten from those words . pause the inquisition . behold the real egg flinging fiend . aye , tis true . i pulled the prank , for some daft scottish reason . id fire that man if he werent so damned good at what he does . we have a school full of professionals , sir . really . where is that school . inside your head . another mystery solved by attorney general janet reno . case dismissed . you saved me , lis . for the rest of my life , youll always be my one phone call . aw , but i do hope youll try to be good from now on . dont need to i got you . children , let me be clear . despite what happened here , last minute confessions , shackled scotsman and meddling billionaires are not how the legal system works . well , the last one is . today , you were truly a hero . thank you . excellent . you know , if youre gonna be a hero , you might not want to tent your fingers like that . is this better . maybe you should wrap your hands behind your head . maybe i should wrap them around your gabby little throat . ah . tenting , . back to the tenting . acquitted . then my nightmare isnt over . well , fruit bat man , it seems youre no match for me , the abominable dr . lenny . gentlemen , this threat is too great for just one elderly hero . we have no choice but to activate the octogenarian initiative . the rambler and then there was the time i taught a dog to make oatmeal . early bird , hot flash , iron lung . it is time to pull up the dependables . i open one , no trump . double . youve just made a powerful enemy . shh . springfield . throughout their herstory thats right , i said herstory . of plant earth , men have attempted to answer that question , and failed . or should i say , maled . ha , keep it under your head guys . that ive got a date with a married woman . so let me guess . is it marge . her husbands gonna be there too . got it . you and marge . give up . its marge . im having a lunch date with my wife good one . yeah . you got us man . ha , . a date with my wife . yeah , well i got plans for lunch too . im lying under a tree . hmm . everybodys got something . oh this is the coolest sushi restaurant in town . it got three and a half stars in the springfield tire guide . when we got married , i promised you a life full of romance . now here it is . not fresh enough . can we get some soy sauce . we do not recommend soy sauce with that particular roll . no soy sauce . you and all your ancestors banned . but but i but edamame them away . you really think thats going to get rid of us . how you like this soy sauce . the customer is never right . if they can be that rude , the food must be great . i was just leaving a tip . tip included . oh , marge , this is amazing . i never realized some restaurants are better than others . i hope you are enjoying your sushi . its as yummy as your poorly produced local commercial said . i argued against that cowboy hat , but in the end , it worked . so , without the kids , we can have sophisticated grown up talk . oh , yeah . mmm . and im thinking of getting maggie swimming lessons . beats drowning . when god rested on the seventh day , did he take a nap or do a hobby he enjoyed . i think im interesting . what .  . what .  . youre interesting . why would you say that .  . can you chew with your mouth closed . its like looking into a garbage disposal . words hurt , you know . the most romantic part of this was the hold music when i made the reservation . maybe its time for a visit from wally the kissing walrus . everything has its breaking point . even the strongest substance in the universe a married mother of three . that usually works , but not today . uh oh . marge , i thought this was an innocuous lunch , but its become terribly ocuous . uh , conversation , you look great . and , uh , how was your day . lousy . you cant spell lousy without us . im going to take a cab . marge , wait . listen , we swore wed never go to sleep angry at each other . im not going to sleep . well , you didnt have two beers with your lunch . oh , my god . a marriage so perfect that i could take it for granted for years suddenly explodes . what do i do . what do i do . for a man confronted with danger , two responses immediately come to mind . i like that picture of the sneaker with the wings . im gonna flee . wheres an electric sidewalk when you need one . fleeing didnt work . i have no choice . i will have to do whatever the other thing was . as homer prepares to fight for his marriage , another battle between the sexes begins on the other side of springfield . just once , i wish lisa would get up , come over and sit next to me . shes getting up . shes coming over . this is a nightmare . i think our lunches got mixed up . oh , im sorry . that means i threw yours out . but i still have a couple of your mini carrots . mm hmm . whats the matter . not a vegetarian . milhouse , got anything good . sure . ive got goulash , schnitzel , salmagundi oh , a cupcake . oh , yeah um do you want it . mm hmm . im gonna give up my cupcake for a second of attention . isnt there a better way to relate to a girl . go wash up and help me clear the table . now , thats how i clear the table . he could board my streetcar any time . why doesnt blanche go for that delightful karl malden . who , potato nose . forget it . for some stupid reason , chicks dig brando . sweaty clothes and mumbling . ive been wasting my time with this sophisticated act . lisa , you cant have my cupcake . wha . you heard me , duchess . its mine , and im saving it . oh , okay . if youll excuse me , i have to go think of you in a different light . great . shes never gonna talk to me again . im sorry i was inconsiderate , milhouse . and furthermore , i respect you more for saying no . tell you what , babe . why dont you get me a milk . milhouse , where are you going with this . playing the biggest hunch of my life . i just have one thing to say chocolate or regular . huh . why am i doing this . what are you doing , going to wisconsin for the milk . ive seen cafeteria ketchup move faster . who knew having a backbone was attractive . certainly not i . it would change the way my suits fit . milhouse , youll probably think this is lame , but i was gonna go for a nature walk after school , and i thought maybe youd like to just start nature walking . see if i show up . milhouse has made his choice , and if theres any justice , hes doomed . now lets see what maggies up to . moving on why are all his laundry basket shots three point attempts . what are you doing home from work . im fighting for you , babe . fighting like i would for the last slice of cold pizza in the box . and to show you how serious i am from the gas station . from the place beside the gas station . hmm . well , that does sound good . ill just stick this in your apology card drawer . no . im tired of your broken promises . marge , im gonna lose ten pounds . sweetie , ill be home at p . m . sweetie , ill be home at a . m . ill take you out to the most romantic lunch of your life . im done . marge was so happy when i made those promises . what changed . milhouse , seeing you there saying nothing its the cutest youve ever been . uh hush , sweet boy . let me get lost in the blue of your eyebrows . whatever . did you bring me that sandwich what i sent you out for . it came with fries or salad . whichever you picked , you picked wrong . well , i wasnt sure , so i got both . who knows her little milhouse . im acting like a jerk , and lisas eating it up . why dont i feel good . i need advice from the most important woman in my life . so everything was going great , and then i wondered if the me she likes is the real me . well , let me say this is the first time youve been brave enough to sit in this office without a bunny in your lap . where is the bunny .  . hes in the closet . hes fine . im over here , milhouse . focus . you got to help me , doc . i just dont know what to do . dont worry , im here for you , and ill be here for as long as it takes . im fired . youre on your own . ill clean out my office immediately . ill show you how to clean out an office . i dont usually say this to kids , but dont be yourself . because yourself is not working . be that guy you just were . gotcha . oh , i love you , fluffy fella . i just got fired . i need it more than you . fluffy fella . fella . meanwhile , homer was doing something very difficult for him  thinking . how do i win marge over . i could get her kids to like me . no , that ship has sailed . hmm . fortunately , the modern man has a third alternative . hmm . would it make a woman happy to do the things she asked you to do . i think it would . searchy , where can i find brake fluid . there are taco joes in your area . that was yesterday . yesterday by john lennon and paul mccartney . where can i find a better voice activated search machine . oh , i cant please any woman . milhouse , im not sure why you left me in the forest , so i made cookies . but i didnt know what kind you liked , so i made seven kinds . ive become my mother . well , common sense never goes out of style . that was too easy . lisa . did you see marlon brando in mutiny on the bounty . no , nobody did . then this is just me . ta da . bart . milhouse . hmm . okay , lets see how straight it is . guess whos coming to dinner . what have i told you about comical entrances . sorry . but you never said anything about comical exits . homie , what are you doing . im planing down that door that always sticks . i put training wheels on barts bike , and made an appointment with the dermatologist to see about my slowly receding hairline . oh , homer . yes , my love . this list is from six years ago . oh , well , you know how , in the special olympics , they give medals just for showing up . how many times do i have to tell you to quit comparing our relationship to the special olympics . when all is lost , a mans mind turns to one thing and one thing only . what fish may i deplete from our oceans for your passing pleasure . perhaps some shark fin soup . whale tonsils . baby dolphin blowhole . turtle smile . id like a lot of food , and for this to be the last decision i have to make . aye , you want omakase  chefs choice . youre all i have left . i trust you completely . and i you . let me run your credit card to celebrate that trust . okay . this should do it . thank you , mr . franders . lis , you saved us . milhouse , are you okay . milhouse , for superman ii , i got million for three days work , so dont expect any more free advice from me . how about me , potato nose . uh later . i see tears in your toro . marriage is so tough . every second , it could explode catastrophically . makes me not want to come home from my job at the nuclear plant . i say marriage is like fish . there are parts so delicious they couldve been sliced from angels and parts we make into omakase . omakase where have i heard that word before . you havent  now , finish your omakase . although we have but one ocean , it offers many special delights . wow . wow , this is the most delicious analogy ive ever eaten . i need to share this insight with marge . put this in your finest styrofoam . once again , by eating alone , i have saved my marriage . please enjoy , with my compliments . you can even eat the eyes . hmm . he ate the eye . marge . for reasons i forgot in the car , this sushi represents our marriage . but what i know for sure is that i want to share it with you . hes taken a step . hes really close . all he has to do is not eat a piece before i do . okay . but every man deserves a second chance . as long as he doesnt im not hungry . good night . well , at least you dont have to suffer , boy . someone fed my sushi to a dog . you didnt get so mad when i told you i was fired today . blessing in disguise . now you can get your phd . i dont want a phd . i want a baby . here we go again . lisa , i could be anyone for you . except someone whos mean to you . so im just gonna cave in and give you the cupcake . i dont know its four days old , i just ate who are you , the queen of siam . just take the cupcake . okay . i wonder if brando liked cupcakes . im down to two a day , but ive been dead for ten years . aw , moe . can you think of a way to please a woman that starts with f . hey , you know , its funny you should mention that . ive been reading that , uh , fifty shades of grey , and it turns out that what chicks want now is a guy to give them what for in the bedroom there . whoo hoo . ill woo her with whoo hoo . ah , you know , if this is what women like , i should be a lot more popular . but it does inspire me to work on my fan fiction . sheriff andy took barney in his arms and kissed him deeply , then said , now , if aunt bee asks , we were down at the fishin hole . i i cant be the only one who likes this . hello , there . the ministers wife  what are you doing here . um protesting . is this dominating enough for you , sweetheart . go back to the cowboy thing and wait in the car . help me out here , homer . listenpal , this may sound kind of kinky , but , uh , i would like to , uh , please my wife . well , are you comfortable with role play . i think i could give it a shot what what, , governor . bobs your uncle . okay , no role play . oh , marge . come to the garage . you know itll be good cause im saying it in a singsong fashion . its a snuggle dungeon . hey , homer , can i get back my what does this do . now , just relax . sit down not in that chair . it has no bottom . this is not putting me in the mood . angers a mood . why would you think id like this . i dont know . its just that you always say we should try new things . but i thought snuggle clamps just might rekindle quick , call the procter gamble help line . really . geez , they make everything . huh . oh , my god , marge is here . what is she thinking now . im glad youre okay . mmm . now , im going to give you a powerful muscle relaxant . hmm , that was just a placebo . what does that mean . powerful drug . homer , im glad that you tried , even though now i cant find the washing machine . its behind the dingle swing . oh so you forgive me . not because of what you bought , but because i realized that no matter what , you will never stop trying , and theres nothing a woman loves more than that . aw , thanks , honey . so , uh , youre not cool with any of the toys . actually , im cool with one of them . which one . not gonna say . what size batteries . d . oh , how many . sixteen . holy moly . and so homer and marges marriage was saved for another week . as for milhouse and lisa aw , thats sweet . and those are the only two that reached the window . what do you get when you fall in love . a guy with a pin to burst your bubble thats what you get for all of your trouble are we forever to be trapped here in this sea . look , a light . perhaps that is the way forward . our journey begins . on the next new simpsons , springfield fights off a bedbug invasion . in two weeks , on fox . shh . springfield . doh . our poor couch . it sure has taken a beating over the years . might be time to get a new one . really . you want to throw something out just because its a little old . hello , everybody . rotten , damn , lousy ow . are there any two words more exciting than couch shopping . no need . already went online and ordered a new couch just like the old one . and , you know , marge , those salespeople werent really our friends . but they let me take fabric samples . they charged a deposit . they had to . it came from corporate . thats right , sweetie , it always comes from corporate . hey , this ones going to springfield . chumps . dont everyone know that all new york furniture is full of bedbugs . forget about it . its forgot abouten . oh , wow . mmm . new cushion smell . im gonna put all my stuffed animals on it . all right , get comfy . gentlemen , the fort is complete and will stand forever . no way the nazis will get in here . oh , i thought we were the nazis . the latest new york fashion has come to springfield bedbugs . ew , just hearing about them makes me itch . oh , . funny how the brain does that , huh . its making me see them . the brain is so stupid . those are bedbugs . how did we get bedbugs . probably one of barts dirty friends . boy , why are your friends so dirty . dont know . why are your friends such drunks . touch . i know this seems bad , but nothing brings out the best in springfield like a crisis . bring out your bed . bring out your bed . no . hold my hand . people , there is no need to worry . i have developed the perfect bedbug repellant . you see , behold the power of modified bear pheromones . marge , milhouse was clean as a whistle till he played with your boy . now , we dont know it was the simpsons . i think the most obvious culprit is the poorest family . twerent us . we dont even have beds . we sleep in washtubs and coffins . why wont somebody blame the children . well , the good news is it forced us all to church . you know , in the middle ages , people took refuge in church to escape the bubonic plague , but that made the plague spread even faster . church . everyone , please , calm down . reverend lovejoy is here . he will give us succor . the epistle of jeremy is often cited as the most difficult book of the apocrypha . but to me , none of the anagignoskomena are more contemplative than the book of tobit . mind if i p p through . its the parson . are you gonna let a sunny summer day be ruined by a few b b . gods soldier in cardigan . looks like i picked a swell day to return your six iron , reverend . now , looky here , tim . this is a five alarm hahaha . now , for chili , thats just dandy , but i brought you a little backup . i think im more than capable of handling this . need i remind you of the bingo riot last summer . god called all their numbers that day . please meet your new associate minister , the right reverend elijah hooper . he was the number two man from shelbyville . introduced angle parking . we got in six more cars . folks , isnt he something . big hand for reverend lovejoy . mm hmm . everyone says great things about you , tim , and i can see why . the posture , the haircut , the tiny feet . its amazing they hold you up . but they do . they do . so charming . its like hes selling silver polish at the state fair . look , heres why im here . church should make you happy , like a warm mug of soup . why does it taste better from a mug . i dont know , but it does . god help me , im paying attention . okay , who here has read leviticus . mmm . okay , now , who here has seen meet the parents . me . me , . me , . hilarious film showed a whole new side of de niro . at first , he couldnt stand his son in , but then they patch things up in a comical fashion , remember . the point is , at the end of the day , we love each other . and thats all this thing really says . so , dont waste your whole sunday listening to us . go home and watch one of the die hard movies on tv . theyre always on , and theyre always good . and , ladies , drop in on a neighbors open house just to see what they did with their sun room . oh . oh . oh . now , go on home . were here every sunday , just like snoopy in color . aw . can you believe this guy , helen . hey helen . tim . yes , helen . my wedding ring is creating a glare . can you hold it . this is the worst th sunday in ordinary time ever . one day out of rehab , and i oh whoa . mmm , debugged and fresh as a daisy . cool . they give you a bag of the bedbugs they killed . homers oatmeal , meet your raisins . homers pie man costume , lisas red dress , lisas red dress , lisas red dress , sunday best bart where is it . my wedding dress . vodka . is this krustys . a high voltage monkey prod . it is krustys . he must have my dress . lets go . whats the hurry . i dont want a comedian knowing my dress size . wait a minute . this has oats in it . oh , a nose hair trimmer . yeah , i found a wedding dress in my dry cleaning . we used it in a sketch . wheres my mail order bride . ugh , how long was he in there . dont worry , we cleaned up the crate real good . what about my dress . oh , gee , im afraid that dress is long gone . i threw it out the window during my post show hissy fit . some of us dont have dressing rooms . wooden . plastic . wooden . plastic . why do we always argue over coffee stirrers . you know whats really stirring . live , local theater . yeah . whoa , before i let a holy joe walk in this bar , i got to know which of the two true faiths you represent . well , i represent an easygoing offshoot of protestantism . that is the wrong thing to say to a snake handler . easy , moe , easy . ah , this things just loaded with rock salt . i use it to keep the raccoons out of my fridge . and , of course , to coat the rims of my margarita glasses . uh , padre , can i be honest with you . ive sucked every church book ribbon there is hoping to find one made of cherry . but there isnt . and if its such a good book , how come theres no blurbs on the back . not even david sedaris . and hell flack anything . seriously , pews . homer , i love your passion . its terrific . its really something . listen , im just thinking . would you consider being my deacon . deacon . is that like one of those weird catholic priest things . no , not at all . its like a sexton or a rector . oh , now were talking . but why me . because , if i can get the man who sleeps through church to be my guy , this town will know that religion can be fun . well , im not one for taking new jobs on a whim . but , as we say in the snow plow business , im your astronaut . what do you think . i didnt think shotgun mikes bridal store had a nice dress , but you found it . homer , youre not supposed to see the dress before the wedding . just looking for the bathroom . this is not the bathroom . aw , but this paper towel feels so good . im sorry your dress is gone , mom . oh , sweetie , its not for me . i wanted you to wear that dress at your wedding . well , then , you shouldnt feel bad , because i cant imagine myself ever getting married . homer , your daughter doesnt want to get married . that would save us several hundred bucks . tell her shes wrong . right . uh , i dont understand , lisa . we let you get up early to watch the royal wedding . hey , i have a weakness for pomp . since when . so , you see , what jesus is saying really can be explained by an episode of californication . oh . now reverend lovejoy will lead us in song . god lifts you up where you be god lifts you up where god lifts you up um give me a minute . uh , but first , let me introduce our new deacon  homer simpson . its an honor , sir . homer simpson a deacon . but why . you bring in the lost sheep , and the others will follow . lost sheep . yes . sis boom bah . i dont think theres a place for me here anymore . heading for the door , pushing the handle . left foot across the threshold . now the right . walking to car . stepped in hole . twisted ankle . tremendous pain . keep it elevated . church bulletin . church bulletin . find out in whose loving memory this weeks service is . the answer may shock you . dad . you always hated church . now , for the record , i hated the building , the people in it and the spirit it represented . i never hated the church itself . and now , finally , i believe in something bigger than myself . the only thing bigger than you is you tomorrow . why , you little lamb . oh . mustnt kill own son . only god can do that . day by day by day oh dear lord three things i pray to see thee more clearly love thee more dearly follow thee more nearly day by day by day by day church bulletin . church bulletin . church someone finally took one . im mentioned in it cause im sick . sorry , maggie . i just dont have the touch today . mom , i found your wedding dress . how . using something this town has never , ever seen  good , honest police work . i staked out the alley and befriended the garbage man who took it . then he gave it to a local theater company , who used it in the first unsuccessful version of mamma mia . in a bankruptcy sale , it was bought by a young couple . that couple right there . i now pronounce you husband and wife . oh . thank you for finding it , sweetie . and seeing someone else get married in it is better than having it myself . you never know , mom . im only eight . i might get married someday , even if its only a green card marriage to keep a chinese dissident from being deported . we can have the reception at wong lees . day by day , by day the deacons job is pretty okay pretty okay im going to be a deacon , day by day im already a deacon , day by day dad , the oogle street cameras driving around town today . want to go moon it with me . son , id love to , but im a deacon now . my butts place is in my pants . church songs with clapping . i dont think this is what martin presbyluther had in mind when he founded our religion by sticking his three suggestions under the popes windshield wiper . mr . flanders , this new reverend has thrown tar in your half pipe, , too . i dont understand that on any level , but yes . well , lets get lovejoy back . do you know where he is . hes in a place full of brimstone and exposed flesh . you mean hes selling hot tubs . yes . the is all about jets , . thats the one place you cannot cut corners . that , of course , and underwater speakers . that sounds expensive . i need this , apu . sir , can you please turn up the bubbles so we can argue in private here . we wouldnt have to do this if you remembered your hindi . oh , i remember it . im just pretending i cant understand you . reverend , we want you to come back . well , lets face it . i wasnt cut out for that job . nobody listened . look , the boys not even listening now . hes right  these underwater speakers are amazing . reverend , this is just the kind of tomfoolery thats been on the upswing since you left . pure , unadulterated tomfoolery . we shall take the . and not a single jet more . sorry , ned . i finally found my calling . how are you guys fixed for decking . oh , what a surprise . a huge new expense you didnt tell us about . weve lost him . buddy , theres a in my vest pocket . will you buy us some beers . the only cool thing about my dad was that he hated church . and now hes turned into a fat version of flanders . no offense . none taken . god doesnt need twitter to reach people . he uses leprosy and plagues . hmm . plagues . ew , locusts . darkness . yawn . bingo . flanders , are you willing to get lovejoy back by hook or by crook . neither , and i dont like it when other people rhyme . yes , but if i do something , will you look the other way . hmm . id like to turn in this boy for thinking about doing something naughty , and myself for waiting seconds before bringing him here . whatever . take em away , boys . and thats why flanders will never , ever be my partner in crime again . thanks for bailing me out . yeah , but dont push it . theres only so many times i can tell nana its my birthday . now , whats this prank . first , we got every dead bedbug in town . to think those exterminators were just going to throw these beauties away . now , to leave a nice , clean trail of bugs out of the swamp . the frogs follow , and hoopers got a plague he cant handle . ugh . one of these bedbugs is still alive . much better . ow . he took my contact . aah . now i got two in one eye . remember you said , when hell freezes over . i think this is close enough . huh . im in no position to argue . help . help . what should we do . we need guidance . i have a plan . save your civic leaders . calm yourselves . in times like this , theres one almighty being we can put our faith in  reverend hooper . its okay , everyone . who here has seen the blind side with sandy bullock . remember when big mike was overwhelmed with scholarship offers . well , thats kind of how we are with these frogs . to hell with your references . were dying here . im more frog than moe . ribbet . ribbet . do something . um , video games , uh , twitter . uh , how to train your dragon . fight club . aah . the lord is my shepherd i shall not want . he maketh me to lie down in green pastures . he leadeth me beside the still waters . he restoreth my soul . his words have soothed the amphibious beasts . his boringness saved us all . lovejoy . lovejoy . lovejoy . where do you think youre going . let us pray . all right , we collected all the personal information from flanders comma ned . lets move on to the next house . hmm , thats weird . four spheres  two small , two gigantic . better zoom in . compliments of the deacon . day by day , by day ive got three kids and two are okay two are okay one of them is the baby the smart one is mine maybe i hope the boy gets rabies day by day by day by day oh , i pray day by day by day by day . shh . springfield . oh , boy . hmm , is that the radon detector . moms deleting old tv shows off the dvr . what the .  . marge . youre deleting the oscar red carpet . there were some awesome dresses . and quite a few disasters . fine . what would you get rid of . well , i cant part with a single one of my hoarders , hands off my episodes of episodes , and if you delete revenge oh , fine . ill just get rid of these itchy and mitchys . for every one of my cartoons that you erase , i rip up a family vacation photo . and just so you know i mean business , heres an ear . all right . at least i can delete these westminster dog shows . fine . im getting rid of this american masters kitty carlisle . its not what you think . so i stayed up for the last hours watching all my show nothings gonna delete these . guys , theres something i want to tell you . something important . so who do you like , the padres or the tigers . im not talking about baseball . im asking if a priest can beat a big cat in a death match in some kind of polygon . hexa or octa . only one way to decide arm wrestling . eh , who am i kidding . they dont care about me . suicide . finally . im really doing it . no more cries for help . cause this time , theres no one thats gonna save me . i mean , its not like im begging you , please , show me some love . yeah , its nothing like that . eh , maybe i should call . give one of the new kids a chance to talk to the legend . hello , you have reached the buzz cola suicide hotline . our options have changed , so please listen carefully . state the reason you are committing suicide . nothing to live for . you said , business problems . is that correct . no . i got nothing and no one . you said , face sucked off by vacuum cleaner . is that correct . no . no . help me . help . if your face is in the vacuum cleaner bag , press one . i just want to talk to a human being . please hold for our next available life extension agent . suicide is painless it brings on many changes and i can oh , that tears it . no more delays . hello . hi , im looking for a mr . ron , first name moe . moe ron . moron . its you , little puke . i am gonna tie a rope around your neck and hang ill show you whos a moron . and thats why libraries use newspaper rods . whoa . i know cpr . i took a class where you do chest compressions to a bee gees song . how deep is your love . how deep is your love . are you sure it wasnt staying alive . too on the nose . i really need to learn cause were living in a world of fools breaking us down when they all should let us be we belong to you and me i believe in yous . you you guys , you saved me . you do care . now , wait a minute . got to make sure youre okay . whos the president now . some jerk . hes back . i really want to thank you all . you gave me a new lease on life , and im gonna take this opportunity to whats the point . same old stinking world . ah , this post suicide afterglow gets shorter every time . homer simpson . the woman i love . i sent you to the store to get applesauce for maggie two hours ago . well , uh , i was just leaving , but moe had an accident . what kind of accident . i , uh , may have tried to end it all . i wasnt even good at that . excuse me , will you . that poor man . weve got to do something to change his life . we could write on his face when he passes out . yeah , thats always good for a laugh . no , it has to be something big thatll change his whole outlook . why dont we take moe on a road trip . aw , that , hey , thats really sweet . hey , can noosey come , too . moe , this trip is about turning your life around . with the three desperate barflies that you see every day . maybe i should come , too . four guys , a chick and a noose . just like the movies i like to watch . grampas in charge of you kids while we go to capital city . oh , youre a good eater today , maggie . bart , youre in charge of grampa . theres a swinging town i know called capital city come on , moe , stick your head out the sunroof . youll look like the richest dog in the world . eh . lighten up , man . the big city . wow , look at all them countdown clocks . acres of rainforest left , deaths by lung cancer . its magical . all i see is two million people happier than me . moe , i know things havent been easy for you , but youre with people who love you in the most exciting of the twin cities . capital city has a twin . moved to california to be a star , but it just turned into glendale . so what do you say , moe . will you give me a smile . well , ill try . maybe if i just tilt my head back here . that a boy . and youll feel better youll feel better , youll feel better than before youll feel better , much better no , you wont get down anymore okay , moe , one more surprise . gentlemens whorehouse . whoa , ho , . no , its a wearhouse . were all gonna chip in and get you a new suit . a new suit .  . oh , ho , . ill be the best dressed john in the whorehouse . but , listen , are you guys sure you want to spring for something that expensive . yes , cause every time you wear it , youll know how much we love you . like the one pair of blue pants i bought homer years ago . theyre like a wedding ring i cant take them off anymore . oh , moe , this suit really brings out the herringbone in your eyes . hmm . nah , its a long . i wear a hunched . got anything for a man my size . absolutely not . tent city is across the street . tent , eh . hmm . no husband of mine is wearing a tent . no tents , no barrels , no kiddie pools . thank you , fashion police . hey , not bad , not bad . and look over there , moe . thats me . hey , thank you , guys . thanks . its a brand new day . okay , final checklist . checklist ready . check . mom and dad still gone . uh , check . what about that snoopy girl reporter thats always hanging around . you mean my sister . shes your sister . the plot thickens . clueless little lisa doesnt suspect a thing . whatever barts doing , its got to be pretty bad for him to get me tickets to this amazing jam session . all the greats are here jellyroll jones , boston cream basie , birthmark billy jackson , grabass walker , the fatneck sisters and bleeding gums murphy . i got this bratty brother he bugs me every day no , that impossible . hes dead . i lay a saxophone reed at his grave every year . lights and magic , lisa . you dont need anything else . but i took a bunch of stuff anyway . well , maybe if its in good taste . aw , come on . five seconds to slip off . and four , three boy , what are you doing up here .  . also , what am i doing up here . bart , you said your grandfather wouldnt bother us . i gave him a caramel . he should have been chewing for hours . i couldnt unwrap it . i got you , grampa . hold , bolo , hold . i dont want to die . i want to still be a burden . please be okay . how deep is your love . how deep is your love . boy . yes , grampa .  . kiss my forehead . man , i must real love him . im not gonna die today . aw , thats so sweet . lets get all our grandfathers and chuck them down this thing . all right . all right . why am i in the basement . shouldnt i see a medico . if the wilsons calf is birthed , doc miller should be available . thank god your mental powers havent deteriorated . well , why the hell am i down here .  . i was supposed to be in charge of you . i cant let mom and dad know what i did . but i promise ill take good care of you until youre well again . no deal . im getting out of here . oh , wow . my tailbone . and it was my last good bone . there , youll be fine . ill take care of everything you need . i want a foot rub . yes , but do you need one . nobody needs one . now start rubbing . rub harder . sorry , pal . sorry , pal . hey , thats common courtesy . the kind ive only seen in movies . this suit is amazing . eh , this dump is too filthy for a man with a positive worldview . im gonna start cleaning . dirt . carpet . another layer of dirt . congoleum . hardwood . the perfect floor for doing a happy jig . and now to light up the sign and let the world know that the new , improved moes is open for business . hmm . wow , non losers . huh , i never thought id see the day . gentlemen , what can i get you . well take anything youve got aged years or more . hmm . hmm . well , actually , i do have this bourbon that i brewed myself . itll either be the best thing you ever had or the last thing youll ever have . mmm . huh . wow . hey , are you thinking what im thinking . moe , were venture capitalists . we turn dreams into money that mostly goes to us , but you get a little . tell me more . how many bottles of this kentucky kool aid do you have . just the one , but i could whip up two or more . moe , you got a great product , a fantastic suit , and were gonna give you everything you need . startup money , branding specialists . corporate jets , private drivers . if your feet touch the ground , weve failed . this is all so sudden . now its not . im in . only one more thing we need to do . check this out with our focus group . so , what do we think . be honest , now . i love it . ive made a lot of mistakes , but liking this aint one of them . every time i call grampas phone , i get no answer . uh , he told me he was gonna nap most of the week . oh . oh , good . well , he needs his sleep . time for your meds . come on , blue . come on , pink . come on , come on , come on . take it , take it , there you go , yes . after a pulse pounding race , hypertension pills win again . call me crazy , but i cant stop betting on dementia . now , what say we turn the hot water on and off while your fathers taking a shower . oh . hot , oh . cold , oh . thank god im not in the shower . hmm . grampa , weve been spending so much time together , i almost feel like youre part of the family . aw . and ive been wondering . not like i miss having my afternoons free or anything , but are you starting to feel better . absolutely not . my crotch is crotchety , sitting down makes me uppity , and you call these cups pleated .  . okay , just checking . dear she done records , once again , i write protesting your holographic exploitation of blues icon bleeding gums murphy . i call for a boycott and girl cott of your entire catalogue until you sonny rollins . thats right , lisa . and im here to beg you to stop writing those letters . youre siding with record companies . this isnt about money , lisa . from tupac shakur to dwight eisenhower , holograms have introduced some of our leading dead people to a new audience of people with money . resetting , . from tupac shakur to dwight eisenhower youre a hologram , arent you . no . resetting , . have you no shame .  . does this answer your question . my name is princess di and im here to say when i watch a dvd , its got to be blu ray . take it , gandhi . first bank of springfield  say mumbai to high checking fees . hey , thanks , guys . i aint never been to no fancy rooftop party before . no beer . thats a pretty big screwup . moe , we got a special surprise . you like chicks with nose clips . then youre really gonna be happy . bring it , girls . hey , that is the most accurate picture of my face made of girl parts that i have ever seen . and its not decadent cause you can ask interns to do anything . thanks . thank you so much , ken and glen . ah , youre welcome . anything to celebrate your i . p . o . tomorrow . you know what that is , right . um moe , we love your whiskey , we love your backstory , and we love that suit that hangs off you like silk on a skeleton . so , starting tomorrow , were gonna sell shares in your company to the public . all you do is show up at the stock exchange , ring the bell , and youll leave a rich man . well see you tomorrow . enjoy your last night as a democrat . dang it , my suits stuck in the door . no , . this buildings got floors . and im going down to p  . p  . moe . what are you doing . midge , uh , the suit got a little mussed up . i i got to ask you , is it noticeable . thank god the kids arent here . i was . aw , without my magic suit , im nothing . the suit wasnt magic , moe . dont you know the story of dumbo the elephant . i didnt go to movies as a kid . spent all my time at the pierogi factory . dab the potato , fold the dough . that was my star wars . well , dumbo had a magic feather . he thought he needed it to fly , but it turned out the magic was in him the whole time . so youre saying moe is dumbo , his bourbon is the giant ears , and were that flock of racist crows . the crows werent racist , the people who drew them were . okay , i get it , i get it . it wasnt the suit that made the bourbon , it was me . and i can do anything . dont stand up . except stand up . grampa , i made your favorite dinner teething biscuits soaked in buttermilk . oh . oh . the pain . youre completely fine . ive been taking care of you , giving you love and attention for nothing . all right , boy , i admit it . ive been faking being hurt , just like i fake liking those terrible homemade christmas gifts you give . but mom said it was a gift made with love . did she . no . even she thought it was crap . but what you did wasnt for nothing . it was the best two weeks of this final horrible part of my life . well , you are the first thing i took care of that didnt die . oh , i hear that a lot . hey ya, , guys . security , theres a homeless monster up here . hey hey , im your partner , moe . n now, , lets go make us a fortune , huh . look . its quasimodo without the pathos . people , please , . my name is moe szyslak of makers moe bourbon , ticker symbol m o . im the ceo , and i promise that i will hand brew every bottle with these very hands , huh . i ill supervise production , ill manage marketing . my face is gonna be on every bottle . and we will only use the finest ingredients made in america . glad youre back , moe . at least i dont have to train the new bartender to make what i like  beer to the top . not today , old friend . but dont worry , holidays are just around the corner . shh . springfield . what the . hmm . ew , cheap pvc smell . oh , no . im an action figure . and i hate action . hiddiley ho, , articulated neighborino . beautiful day , isnt it . why , its practically mint on card . shut up , flanders . this reality aint all bad . pastry power , activate . whoa . beep , . homer , give me a yank . im lonely . typical . homer , this isnt the way to the mall . the mall . i thought you said badass city . tokyo drift . im fatality . all right , dad . hey , put the chicken one back on . urgent message from nelson muntz . go on . haw . haw . well , i am going to write a note back to mr . muntz . sorry about that . so , mrs . simpson , the reason youre here let me guess . you need a field trip mom . a library volunteer . someone to purell the cpr dummy . resusci kate is just fine , thank you . were here to talk about bart . what did he do now . oh , today , im not here to talk about what he did . im here to talk about the future . what did he do in the future . im not sure what hes planning , although there is a lot of internet chatter . i want to change his character less dennis the menace , more casper the ghost , if he were still alive . what if bart took music lessons . music classes could channel his destructive impulses into artistic expression . i myself have been taking flamenco lessons . got it , music lessons . mother . right . right . inside . oh , stupid clog . my head hairs . im bald . get in there . doh . aw , damn it . welcome back to americas most tattooed baby . now , if the lindblads can fit just one more tattoo on baby jennifer  and shes getting pretty full , i can tell you that  they win the grand prize of . so whatll it be . walk away . walk away . tvs gotten so lousy . did you ever wonder if hippopotamuses think that rhinos are unicorns . tvs not so bad . sweetie did you ever think of doing something a little more creative with your time . if youre worried about your mothers day present , its in the works . i was thinking something more artistic . something musical . you could take advantage of a fantastic musician living right here . thats the kind of riff you can aim for after years of practice . we start off with the fun stuff music theory . dont worry , music theorys just a fancy word for music math . my dear boy , you undoubtedly think of the slide whistle as merely a whistle that slides . let me disabuse you of that misperception . pass . do you have any idea how difficult bye , now . behold . from the pages of dune and dune messiah , gurney hallecks beloved zither the baliset . pass . when i die , you will carry on the tradition of the frink e . pass . ah , mr . homer . i see you are wearing the bald mans beret . is it that obvious . oh , yes . the only thing that screams i am hiding hairlessness more is a goatee . im as smooth as jazz . oh my wife has never seen my head naked . maybe i should wear a cowboy hat . a cowboy hat means im ashamed of my small penis . dont even ask me what this means . yee haw . im a compensatin . new student . sit at piano . my daughter teach you . you , mother . come to kitchen and see picture of my dead wife . thats okay . i no , . she is not dead in picture . uh she is dying . lets go , bart . so , you want lesson . yes . i want lesson . i accept your whip . a girl who likes candy . wow . so , how much are lessons . i give you something you want you give me something i want . im sorry , did my voice go all evil . it is common with russian accent . youd better be asking for something pc pie or cake . heres my offer my daughter give lessons , you teach me to drive car . there might be some nagging involved . deal . now we toast with vodka . ah . now we drive . huh . homer , i recommend getting drunk on my most expensive beer duff platinum . hey , what the . but i used the best label paste . those two hairs were what was left of my youth , moe . hey , come on , theres sexy bald , like , um babar , king of the elephants . i read his books as a kid . he married his cousin , celeste . that was my takeaway . those royal elephants have trainers to keep them in shape . average schmoe like me , forget it . well , let me see how bald you are . whoa . dear lord . here . oh . you need this more than i do . just what exactly is this good for . its nice when something you plan in your head for so long comes to fruition . where you going , bart . piano lesson . oh , piano lesson . we put two of those guys up there just for using a big word . cach is not a big word . clickety clack . wait , . im not learning anything . im just going cause the teachers pretty . okay . but youd better steal bananas for all of us . i will . let me go . i have a swim lesson with a gorgeous lifeguard . what gender . youre not allowed to ask . okay . check your mirrors . hands at and . slowly back out of the driveway . aah . mmm daddy said i was a accident . okay , lets try again . that is so beautiful . did you write it . these are scales . now , memorize every good boris deserves farm . let me try . every good booger deserves flicking . your tongue is nimble , unlike sausage fingers . sausage fingers . do what i do . druguyu nevestu drugoi iyunya drugoi solnechni medovyi mesyats yeshche odim sezon yeshche odna prichina dlya vupi makin ah dlya makin whoopee scales . lesson over . lesson over . aah . what are you doing . i want to go backwards . like russian economy , under putin . stop making putin jokes . you sound like police under putin . ugh . speaking of police im sorry , officer . i believe my license is , uh somewhere in these pairs of easy fit blue jeans . eh . eh . thats not the way american police do things . finally . someone who knows what a traffic stop is really all about . uh , chief , dont you think those jeans are a little tight . were all not high waisted like you , lou , okay . im just gonna lie down in the backseat here . okay . all right , the blue knight is ready for action . whats wrong . every note you play sounds like dying animal writhing on keys . awesome . i just want to get more students and help my father with his dream . buying a limo . he could tell big shots in the back that , no , they cannot smoke . seriously , im gonna make you proud . i have hidden talents . oh , bort , if only you make such a miracle happen i would love your hands forever . wait a minute . you cant hear . i am so proud . i wouldve been happy if bart was just a piano mover . thank you . i owe it all to zhenya . can you teach my boys . but no tickling the ivories . you treat them with respect . can you teach my monkey . then i can deal with the musicians union instead of the humane society . much easier to muscle . zhenya , i couldnt have done it without you . and you . bart . bart , ive never been so proud of you . never , . and now ill always be at home in a saloon . something smells fishy . yar , that would be me . but i agree . theres something funny here . is it me . no . oh hey , your baseball caps one plastic bump tighter than usual . what gives . okay , guys , heres the deal . ive gone bald . then again , who cares . yeah , you already landed a hot wife . thats the only reason men evolved hair . what are you talking about . you lured marge in with your hair . you trapped her with marriage . you skinned and field gutted her by having kids . now shes mounted on your wall for good , with fake glass eyes and a rubber tongue . the way you put it , sounds so perfect , but its not . you sound seriously depressed . why dont we talk about it over at moes . its not even noon . yeah , ive got a watch , egghead . i couldnt help overhearing your predicament . mainly because my hearing is so great . who are you . the answer to your prayers . are you my guardian angel . if so , can you turn a pumpkin into a chariot . even a used camry would be okay . no , just a regular hairless joe like you . been bald since i was . with the money ive saved , i bought a yacht . whoa youre cool with it . i havent even told my wife . you wait for the right moment , you show her that glorious dome , and then you rest it sweetly on her bosom and let the kisses flow like rain . wow , is that what your wife did . no wife . i just slept with thousands of bald women . caught your recital , bart . lisa , isnt it great to have a musical genius in the family . helen lovejoy , you always have to stir the pot . unlike you , when you make your lumpy clam chowder . i guess bart must be a musical genius , because frauds are always found out . always . my work is done . now to reward myself with a case of wine . hi , zhenya . im here for my lesson . good to see you , my love . sit on porch . are there other people in here . because of your performance , i win many new students . me on . i got to learn my moms stripper music by midnight . but if i got you all these students , shouldnt you be grateful . oh , of course im grateful . here is cushion for porch chair . go to bata boom . mopped myself into a corner . oh mom , youd still be proud of me if i couldnt play the piano , right . of course . but very , angry at all the time i wasted . gulp . was that a gulp . are you getting a sore throat . let me give you some castor oil . hmm youll need your voice to say , thanks , mom , after your next recital . my wha . i signed you up for the talent show next week . huh . you know , im almost . its not really fair . bart , when you were on that stage , it felt like you were pouring those notes right into my heart . hey , one of those notes could go to your brain and kill you . are you sure you want to take that chance . a proud mother always does . first of all , youre over ten years old . second , youre clearly justin bieber . thats another bucks well never see . gosh . who can make the sun rise . why wont anybody tell me . oh im sorry . i was faking it . i lied so i could see zhenya . zhenya . oh , zhenya . everyone knows zhenya . but theres really only one girl whose opinion matters to me . my mom . id like to go home now . and to think youd do this on mothers day . is it too late to make you breakfast in bed . uh , mom . im sorry i pretended to be good at piano . and im really ashamed that i lied . excuse me . mrs . marge , i took my drivers test . did you pass . more or less . if i eat an orange wedge , the whole things gonna blow . well , im glad your side of the deal worked out . what are you talking about . your boy is genius . no , he cheated . marge , in russia , everyone succeeds by cheating . even russian dressing is just thousand island . but your son is a good boy . he cheated for love , and he cheated for you . thank you . all right . a chance to make a new friend . listen , sweetie it was wrong of me to force my dreams on you . yeah , your generation wont have any dreams come true . sweetie , youre just gonna be who you are . well , who am i . you are unique , you are special , and at some point , thats gonna come together and work for you . i know it . thanks , mom . and that means no punishment , right . wrong . you have to walk all the way over to grampa to take a plate of cookies i baked . heres your new plate , grampa . oh , boy . theres crumbs on it . marge i have something to show you . is it your impression of mr . burns eating soup . because im not in the mood . no , its something else . so . ive always wondered what you were hiding under your curly locks , my beautiful yellow melon . hair , no hair i dont really think about it . confidence is so attractive in a man . tell me about it . oh , marge , when you hold me like that thank you , god . shh . springfield . its been a brilliant night of womens tennis with petrevkova narrowly edging mashakova . we take you now to doubles action between pavlyuchenkeka vilnikova and strakova mishtnupetrateva . to me , its legs versus boobs . what the . change the channel . but im watching soft core tennis . ki ya karate monsters . what the hell is that . its our favorite show . mom said we could watch it . did she really say that . are you gonna walk upstairs and ask her . no . from a shaolin monastery in darkest transylvania come helpful hell spawn . with homicidal honor , they rampage for peace . ki ya . ki ya . ki ya . you like this now . what about planet jackson and the earth brigade . dad , we dont watch that show anymore . its for babies . planet power . kung fu werewolf chop . blob jitsu kick . stop it . no karate monsters at the dinner table . its ki ya karate monsters . samurai shampoo blast . ninja throwing soap . no karate monsters in the bathtub . ki ya karate monsters . happy birthday , dad . happy birthday , grampa . did this really happen . pill attack . actual sword attack . ive had it . no more karate monsters . ki ya thats it . tomorrow , were doing something educational . were going to the science museum . damn it . finally , actual science . you did it , baby . you promised no fun , and you delivered . ah , hello there . i am blaise pascal , inventor of the probability theory . what are the odds of meeting you here . excellent , i would say . my friend silly squirrel is about to buy a lottery ticket . silly squirrel , do you know the probability of winning the lottery . i dont know . why , you are more likely to be run over by a car . or be hit by lightning . or murdered by an acquaintance . if you understood probability , you would never play the lottery . guys , this science exhibit told me how stupid it is to play the lottery . whoa , . so you didnt buy our weekly ticket . are you nuts . you cant win if you dont play . hey , its time . turn it on , turn it on . four lucky numbers for four best friends . yeah , i always go with three , the number of brothers and sisters i , uh , hunger games ed in the womb . best year of my life , . my numbers . no reason . just . and im . because people always laugh when you say . no one knows why . and the winning numbers are three , oh , my gosh . we won . we won the springfield lottery . thats grand . thats bucks each . guys , we got to celebrate , throw a raging party . ill cash the ticket . homer , you get the food . ill get mini dumpsters of wings from garbage wings . and , lenny , you get the drinks . but were already at a bar . oh , no . thats just gasoline and hot dog water . who cares . we got the money . im so happy . im so happy . to the best feeling in the world money . guys , i got big plans for these winnings . im going to build a swimming pool . in ground . so freaking far in the ground , baby . what about you , carl . what are you gonna do with your share of the money . oh , uh , i guess carl aint back yet from cashing in the ticket . im sure he just got held up in traffic . yeah , thats probably what happened . i wonder whats keeping carl . i hope our friend wasnt in an accident . im glad were the kind of people who are worried about carls safety instead of thinking that he ripped us off . i wasnt thinking that . carls our good friend . our good friend . yeah , good old carl . good old carls phone went straight to voice mail . again . the power of friendship is so amazing , i dont feel at all suspicious of carl . drive faster because of the power of friendship . carls gone . our moneys gone . weve been betrayed . by good old carl . guys , i think we might need a new song . four best friends who never quarrel homer simpson , lenny , moe and no one . all our lottery money , gone . if i ever see that carl again , im gonna freeze him , chop him up into ice cubes and scoop him into the urinal trough at the gathering of the juggalos . guys , give carl a chance . im sure hes gonna come back . i dont think so . his travel neck pillows gone from its pedestal . fellas , he aint coming back . you dont know that . im gonna keep looking till we figure out what really happened . see , i bet he flew to quebec to bring us back authentic french canadian sugar pie . i can taste it already . mmm . thanks for the sugar pie , carl . hey , whats this . ive gone home . good bye forever , carl carlson . whered you go , carl . had plans for that money , too . i was gonna be one of those guys whos really into hot sauce , you know . hot sauce suspenders , hot sauce pajamas . bolo tie with a little chili pepper on it . i still cant believe it was carl who took your winnings . i thought it wouldve been you . or you . or you . i know . me , too . its the ultimate screw over . maybe he had a good reason to give you the ultimate screw over . he said he went home , and his passport is gone . what country is he from . uh i dont know . you dont know where carl is from . come on , you know how dudes are . we dont go digging into the past . we talk about guy stuff . like baseball and trucks and when guys lift too much weight and their bungus drops out . you know , guy stuff . maybe if youd talked less about guy stuff , youd know more about your so called friend . well , it dont matter no more , midge . carl is gone , and were already auditioning replacements . this could not be more offensive . man . oh , of course . ugh . hmm . hey , get that out of here . i dont ever want to see that moolah stealing jackpot thief again . wait a minute . somethings reflected in the lenses of carls sunglasses . i just need to get closer . hes looking at a geyser . and theres a sign in front of it . oh its too small to read . oh , its backwards . try this . strokkur geysir . hmm . the geyser is one of the most famous natural wonders in iceland . i guess thats where carls from . ice land . is that even a real place . i thought it was supermans superman cave . iceland keeps the most detailed family records of any country in the world . there . carl was adopted by a couple who lives outside reykjavik . well , if thats carls home , then thats where our money is . and thats where were going . we got to pack . i guess im only bringing one guitar on this revenge trip . youre going so far away . ill miss you . baby , im going for us . that money is going to dig us a swimming pool thatll take our broken family and make it whole . were not broken . were broken . were pretty broken . how am i going to sleep if someone isnt pushing me all the way to the very edge of the bed . ive already taken care of that . oh thats perfect . i cant wait to see the smile on carls face when we surprise him . i call first hug . hey , lenny , when are you gonna wise up . carl never wants to see us again . im done talking to you . this is funny . it says here iceland is green , and greenland is icy . the vikings switched the names to trick everybody . its funny . thats pretty good . great gag . hey , vikings , its still pretty damn cold . i only packed shorts . excuse me , uh , were looking for our friend . hes , uh hes about so tall , uh , wears a jacket , hes , um , got no visible tattoos just say hes black , moe . you say hes black . his name is carl carlson . carl carlson . his family has been hated for years . how do you know about carls family . our country is very small , very judgmental and very nosy . ingimar ogmundsson , how progresses your gonorrhea . it heals , but slowly . why does everybody hate carls family . heres why . this saga tells of how carl carlsons family were the watchmen of the coast , always keeping an eye out for invading hordes . icelands safety depended on their vigilance . but the carlsons failed in their duty . the enemy invaded , laying waste to our lava fields , burning our sweaters and feasting upon our tiny horses . apparently , screwing over your friends is in carls blood  his adopted blood . all right , this is it , carls family home . twenty two oh , phew , oh , thats a lot of letters . so thats why was carls lottery number . yeah , and thats why his sweatpants say hjorleifsstrati across the butt . the gates are locked . well , then well just have to wait for him to come out . oh , man , stakeouts are so boring . i wish i had something to look at . well , i guess ill just read the car rental contract again . damage waiver , check . return with full tank of gas , check . all drivers must be over the age of and check . love you , mom . see you , dad . its carl . wake up , wake up . huh . huh . ah , damn it , we lost him . there he is . and hes got our money . its no use . were perfectly matched . we did it . give us some answers , or youll get a mouthful of rotten shark fermented in its own urine . no , anything but the inedible , repulsive food of my native land . yeah , carl , tell them the good reason you had for borrowing the money . look , i admit it . i gave you the ultimate screw over . but i did it to clear my familys name . everyone blames the barbarian invasion on my ancestors . but that saga had a missing page . oh , yeah a page was torn out . my familys always believed that we fought bravely against the invaders , and the missing page will prove it . i took the lottery money to buy that page and restore my familys honor . why didnt you just tell us . were your friends . i didnt tell you because were not friends . friends share their feelings , their hopes , their dreams . friends know their friends are from iceland . we are just guys who sit next to each other at a bar and talk about ugh guy stuff . so all those years of hanging out meant nothing . not to me . sorry , lenny . thats all right . now we know . its all out in the open . i guess it kind of makes it easier now for me to kill carl . when the nice ones snap , its always a good show . ow , my eye . my eye . my eye . my eye . hey , lenny , forget him , forget him . look , we still got the money . what the . wha . what the hell is this . thats the missing page from the saga . thats what i spent our lottery money on . then this belongs to us . please , give it back . please . itll restore my familys honor . maybe wed give it back to our friend , but were not friends , remember . sorry , carl . its world war ii all over again . america kicks icelands ass . no . guys , do you think carl was right . what if were not real friends . maybe we are just lonely guys who do guy stuff . hi , homie . did you get the money . the kids have been stocking up on pool noodles . put the noodles in the shed . there isnt gonna be a swimming pool . hmm . carl spent all our money on this stupid page from a stupid saga . i say we make it into saga soup and have ourselves a soup sip . thatll show carl for de friending us in real life . i know carl did you wrong , but is destroying something he cares that much about really going to make you feel good . well , we wont know that till after . just read the saga and see what it says . but how can we learn to read ancient icelandic . with these . yeah , my doctor says its better for me not to sleep . thorn . yes . forvitinn . i cant do this , i cant do this . you cant not do it . okay , lets see what this thing says . when the barbarian invaders came , the carlsons met them with their weapons ready wow , carls family really was brave . weapons which they immediately threw down in surrender . the carlsons then let the barbarians in the back gate and joined in the sacking , the looting and the volcano ing of the village elders . the carlsons then wrote down this saga so no one would ever forget their treachery and cowardice . carls family was even worse than people thought . they were the original ultimate scumbags . carl betrayed his friends , blew the lottery money all for nothing . hey , guys i think i feel bad for carl . attention , everyone in iceland . we have an important announcement . take a break from your dreary lives to hear americans lecture you . ah . ah . eh . is this everyone . no . yes . ive learned something about the people of iceland . you have endured barbarian invasions , total financial collapse and a lesbian prime minister . youve managed to survive on a craphole island that looks like the moon and smells like rotten eggs . and to do that , you have to be stubborn . but i ask you to put aside your stubbornness while i tell you about carl carlson . shame on carls family . the blood of tiny horses is on their hands . doesnt matter what happened for carl carlsons honor has been redeemed by the deeds of carl carlson . carl carlson who helped me move , even though i moved the week before . yeah , and when we were painting my house , carl carlson brought that blue tape , you know , that makes you really look like you know what youre doing . you peel it off , and you got that super straight line there . and when he brings a six pack to my house , he doesnt take the extras home with him . carl carlson leaves them in the fridge . carl carlson is our friend , even if he doesnt believe it . if we can forgive carl for stealing our lottery winnings , maybe youse can find it in youses hearts to forgive his ancestors . the many small kindnesses of carl carlson have redeemed his family forever . mom , dad , our family can show our face in public for the first time in years . ai . ai . how can you say these men are not your true friends . i cant . i cant . ai . guys , thanks for teaching me the true meaning of male friendship . the stuff that comes from in here that is guy stuff . we dont get together to share our emotions . we get together to escape them . yeah , id tell you guys i love you , but , uh , i dont want to say it , and you dont want to hear it . to nothing . okay , everyone , get ready to see your brand new oh , . what is it , what is it , what is it . keg pools . yay . yay . hey . aah . fine . im going home . shh . springfield . hmm . our first anniversary . and were more in love than ever . in your face , people who said it wouldnt last a year . i stand by my wedding toast . lets just enjoy our happiness , homie . accidental motherhood is the greatest thing that can happen to a woman . and i think barts finally outgrown his misbehavior . oops , better clean that off . you have a great day , maam . wish i could get a little of that attention . doh . hey , simpsons . dont mean to be a pesto , but ill be happy to watch your scampi shrimp . aw , thanks , flanders . got to warn you , he doesnt talk much . daddy . hes not your daddy . nice daddy . moustache daddy . good daddy no yell . fat daddy smell like beer . ill teach you to speak in complete sentences . but first , mlady , let me escort you to heaven . the fancy swiss chocolate store on level three . oh homer , youre the anchor store of my heart . just call me borders books , cause ill always be here . haw . his first word . oh , homie , what a wonderful anniversary . yep , weve got something money cant buy . love on a train . and i promise each anniversary will be better and better . oh . they have to get off and get back on . sometimes you have to say to hell with rules . but somehow our anniversaries didnt get better than that first one on the train . wait , you named me after a train . yeah , just like we did with bart . anyway , this year , im gonna re create our magical first anniversary , ending with a romantic ride on that why are you taking away the train . im afraid no one rides it anymore so were replacing it with something that makes money and sends people to the food court . step right up . medical marijuana . you got nausea , my friend . everyones got nausea . and what is your malady , my son . uh , i had one , but i forgot it . memory loss . could be a brain tumor . take this and go see fantasia . kids , ive only had three great ideas  marrying your mother , using a hot dog as a straw and this romantic train ride anniversary . sir , i need this train . eh , take it home . its yours . are you sure mom is really gonna want a rusted out kiddie train . she wont see it like this . ill make this train look as beautiful as it did when this mall was young . aw , dad , i just got a little twinge in my heart . try this . you stay away from my kids unless youre driving them to school . so , im not babysitting tomorrow night . oh , were still on for tomorrow night . dad , do we have to ride like this . hey , what could be cooler than a choo choo with lollipops on it . hey , babies  where you going in your baby train . babytown . shake it off , kids  theyre just jealous . hey , lardo , where you going in your lardo car . lardville . theres no such place . okay . ive entered my billing address , expiration date and charged . were back from baby beethovens . thats mozart , dummy . well , thanks for watching maggie . i just ordered homers anniversary gift . must be tough . yeah , what size cuff links do you get an elephant . well , in the first place , the elephants cuff links would be the same size . its the cuffs that would be bigger . as for homer , im getting him a case of his favorite snack cakes , dolly madison . marge , this isnt dolly madison . its sassy madison . trust me , homer doesnt care where the cupcakes come from . sassy madison is a dating site for married people who are tired of the same old dessert . check out their webvertisement . kelly was at the end of her wits her husband was truly the pits her relationship spousal had zero arousal then she watched this commercial and found herself herschel thanks to sassy madison . com . sassy madison . com . its not cheating if you dont know the person well . i just put all my personal information on their web site . so now youre gonna get hit on by every loser in town . and this towns got losers like mexico has headless corpses . so many unhappy men . how sad . youve got a lot of fish wriggling in that net . maybe i should get married so i can date these guys . selma , cheating is a sin . as much a sin as not replying to an instant message . so , if youll excuse me , ive got a lot of sleazy gentlemen to let down gently . are you watching the commercial again . im a fan of animation . oh , lord , may thy couplings stay forever locked , and may thy dead man switch never be used . amen . all right , guys , lets get this train fixed up for homers anniversary . but first , start your power tools . one more to go , and im done . dear horny in haverbrook sorry . im not interested in cheating on my wonderful husband , who is described in the attached pdf . say hello to my trash folder . marge simpson . hi , homie . a crazy thing happened when i was ordering your anniversary gift . dont blow the surprise . pretend you forgot . uh , anniversary . that coming up . yes , and its a big one . remember . marge , i am focused on this like a laser . laser . thats a funny word . its just loser with an a . and speaking of losers , i lost my train of thought . oh , and speaking of trains , wait till you see the surprise is safe . the expression on her face will be priceless . he forgot our anniversary again . he remembers the exact number of pork chops in the freezer . currently  zero . one of those cyber smoochers wrote me back . thanks for your note . you seem way too nice for this site . why are you here . good question . i thought i was buying snack cakes . thats so cute . really , cute . you are over right . i am , and you seem more interested in my day than my husband . i know what its like not to be listened to . please ignore every sensible instinct you have and continue this conversation . and by the way , this is my real voice . dont worry , moe . when marge is asleep , ill sneak back . oh , good , the strippers are here . oh , yeah . oh , yeah . that is all coming off . tell me more . homie , i bet youre wondering why i stayed on the computer until a . m . hey , those yelp reviews dont write themselves . did you know a well placed one star can destroy a mom and hardware in nothing flat . listen , i want us to be honest with each other . uh oh . if youre honest , youll have to tell her about the train . huh . what train . how stupid are you . hey , thinking is your department , jerk . thats what i pay you in beer for . just for that , im not gonna help you . what . where are you going , you . oh . um , marge , i have to go . what . now . why . hes writing me again . better put a stop to this . is that him getting the text . hes in the market . we might have squeezed the same tomatoes . are you marge . oh , im going to hell . im sorry . i didnt even know you were here . what a crazy coincidence that you buy food , too . gee , i thought youd be some kind of creep . but youre actually a perfectly normal looking whoa . a is for apple , right . okay . ill ill just be going . wait , . let me get the stain out . but not here . i know a place where no one in town will see us . there you go . good as new . now , let me at least buy you a coffee , or dare i say a danish . no danishes . sorry . i go to pastry way too fast . i want to be very clear . im a happily married woman . going on ten years . the aluminum anniversary . nothing turns leftovers into swans like aluminum . what the heck am i saying . homers probably at that bar right now , getting hammered . all worth it for marge . marge , you are terrific . i am so glad i reset my distance filter from to miles . mmm your homer is the luckiest man on earth . well , he keeps falling down a cliff and living , so i guess thats true . the only time my wife and i talk is when i apologize . lifes an infernal muddle , as mr . drake says on upton rectory . oh , i love that show . isnt it great . finally , a reason to watch tv on sundays . such great characters , like buxton , the scheming larder keep . why cant lady cavendish see hes pilfering the aspic . uh , does homer watch . he says shows set during world war i are too sad . particularly how everyones always climbing stairs . you are watching the season finale this week , right . yeah . alone , im sure . well , we could , uh live blog it . save that sugar for your coffee , bub . ive been working on the railroad why are you singing that . because its in the public domain . hello . its moe from moes tavern . oh , uh , id better take this . you see , moes been depressed and needs to hear a friendly voice . why the hell are you calling me at home , you moron .  . lovejoy went to get a hamburger , and the whole thing fell apart . im getting cooked like a cabbage . then keep quiet like a cabbage . all right , all right , ill be right there . is it me , or did this house just get classy . mom , lisa made me break a lamp . mom , barts twisting facts in an orwellian fashion . can i have one hour of grown up time where you two arent tattling on each other or using obscure references . orwell , obscure . the author of animal farm . grampa says he was a commie . no tattling . upton rectory is made possible by a sizeable endowment from hooters restaurants , and a generous grant from a man named generous grant . are you watching it . no , i cant . my wifes watching a reality show about a man who repossesses zoo animals . come on , taser that flamingo . cant believe im missing the finale . hmm maybe i can help . bless it all , polly , i love you . and we shall be wed by boxing day eve , aka christmas . but lord upton has forbidden it , on the grounds that he once saw me exchange pleasantries with the egyptian riding master . can you follow everything okay . i guess sometimes you just dont end up with the person youre supposed to . marge , can i use your free amazon shipping . not a good time . i know your password . drake , polly , perhaps i was too hasty . love should flower , even an ill advised alliance between a coarse irish maid and a man who once served me soup from the wrong side . he hasnt been the same since the war , lord upton . hush , polly . who you marry is none of your concern . i have something to say . the dowager grandmum . im afraid you cannot marry without a proper ring . take mine  the star of bombay . once again , india is denuded of her treasure by the imperialist devils . why do we watch this show . because i like the costumes . ive never felt so flushed after watching public television . maybe sometime we could watch it in the same room . chat room . room . shows over . that turned ultra steamy in a jiff . i can still hear you . i can still hear you . happy anniversary , mom . happy anniversary , mom . our gift is us . three kids with no money , but plenty of love . thats great . i wonder what surprise your father has in store . boy , oh , boy . oh , marge , i threw my back out . can you please refill this prescription right away . wheres it from . its in drugtown not the nice part . thatll take hours . on our anniversary . and what better way to spend it than commemorating the glorious words you spoke ten years ago for worse . oh . oh . ow . oh . hmm . its working . shes gone . all right , everyone , magically appear . wow , moe , great shrub costume . yeah . i sell em on the internet for like minded people . now , lets lay some track . you guys are the best . i just want you to know when im holding marge in my arms tonight , ill be thinking of all of you . when does it get better . when hes pounds and has to be cut out of the house to go to a movie . i lost my cleaning stick in my belly fat . but i found a kitten . that is so sweet . there i go again , settling . marge , run off with me . bring your kid . i have three kids . whoa , you really went all in with this guy , didnt you . get out of my head . i guess this is good bye, , then . someday when im awfully low when the world is cold i said no . fine . sorry . just thinking of you , marge and the way you look tonight . the nelson riddle orchestra . leave me alone . fine . sorry , guys , youre dead again . im gonna do what ive done at every key point of my life suck it in and smile . there goes a woman whos unhappy with her partner . yeah , i know how she feels . yeah . what was that . what the . happy anniversary . oh , my god . our train . homie , you do care . you care a lot . what a wonderful anniversary . do you think well last years . nothing should . trains they can fix every marriage . what the . ugh . happy moment derailed by the bipolar express . none of you heard that . happy anniversary . where is she . where the hell is marge simpson . ramona , please . when you asked me who she was and where she lived , i never dreamed youd go confront her . mmm , im marge simpson . so youre the kind of man eater hall and oates warned us all about . hall and oates . whats going on here . your wife and my husband have been watching british tv together . costume drama or naughty comedy . drama . drama . you just dodged a bullet , mr . sugarpants . ben , ramona , i want to tell you something ive learned over ten years of marriage . the secret is no secrets , except good secrets like this train . my only secrets are my marathon time isnt its never , i often go online to see how lindsay wagners looking now  fabulous  and i once pushed a kid off a swing and he broke his wrist or something . but its no secret how much i love my margie . mmm look at them , coochie cooing like that time our connecting flight was delayed and we got drunk and friendly in the admirals club . that was you . i mean , it it was wonderful . and youre fighting for me . maybe that means you still care . of course i do . now , lets go home and spend a romantic night looking through your computers browsing history . that exists . oh , boy . honey , just what was going on with you and that guy . well i was trying to buy you snack cakes oh , baby , thats all i needed to hear . how did we get here . marge was feeling lonely and bored every night she was ignored but when marge went boo hoo i was building a choo choo and love conquered all with a train from the mall so that very same night ben went back on the site and he lined up a date with selmab she said that shes smokin and i wasnt jokin find love on the net you deserve what you get three awesome kids and a life of regret and now its time for grampas song . down by the old not the new , but the old mill stream not the river , but the stream . where i first not the second or the shh . springfield . tonight we reveal to you the fate of nedna . i have devoted my summer to a more meaningful task salvaging mr . poppers penguins online . anywaythe answer to ned and edna is carefully hidden in tonights episode , like a bread crumb lodged inside my stomach crease . enjoy . whoa . what the . aha . quiet steps are what i take sneaking in at noon just in time for my lunch break got my fork and spoon time the cameras just right duck in the bathroom barney hi , homer . im still drunk from last night got driven home i dont know by whom some may say i dont deserve any pay but hey i came up with s day last may . while im here , i might as well pre punch out . hmm , weve had a lot of bills lately . better put in some overtime . larry , my man . hey , youre not larry . how come youre not larry . i wouldnt know , sir . uh , listen , if you could indulge me , larry and i fist bump every morning . like that . the warmth of human contact with a manly whiff of violence . eh . not interested . wha .  . sheesh . hey , whats with that new security guard . hes acting all aloof . uh , by the way , thats my word of the day hes . maybe i was a little hard on him , expecting him to be larry right away . by the way , where is larry . crazy house . violent ward . good ol larry . say wayne , i couldnt help but notice that your breath doesnt smell like alcohol . you want to go grab a beer after work . i prefer not to have social interaction with coworkers . it , um , hasnt worked out for me in the past . well , maybe he just doesnt like fist bumping . hey , wayne . as god as my witness , this fist will be bumped . put that fool thing down . announcer we now return to master chef extreme snack edition . marge , your ratio of peanut butter to cracker was spot on . and i loved the addition of the thin slice of apple . this was a great plate of food . thank you . this is my third favorite reality cooking show . for your prize , you have won a brand new kitchen , which i will now become . ow . ow . ow . i miss my soul patch . oh . kids , enjoy your extreme snack . wait , this tastes different . i put a slice of apple in it . gross . you know i hate surprises . you tricked us . i like routine . i like routine . did you have a hard day , too . ah , a guy at work seems not to like me . i guess its not much when you look at real problems in the world , like major league umpires not using instant replay . its big to you . would you like a get well pork chop . i love you so much . potatoes and gravy on the side , please . charlie , want to grab a beer . no , i was tipsy last night when a telephone survey called , so i told them to call back tonight for more accurate answers . oh . okay . wayne . want a ride . i can walk . all right , homer , you win . you know , i just got a little chill when you said my name . every town i go to , i run into some guy just like this . look , im not weird or anything , i just like to feel like im friends with everybody . homer , youre a nice guy . ill have one beer with you . after that , we will have a courteous professional relationship , and thats it . no secret santa , were not trading lunches , oh . and i dont want you calling me at home and saying turn on channel six . but what if the weather girl i dont care . wow , i cant believe homer bagged the tiger . excuse me , i need to use the mens room . oh , my god . were completing each others completing each others sen ten ces totally surprising entrance . hand over your cash and jewelry . pronto . hmm . hmm . okay , now , dont want no trouble . let me just get my cash out of my cash drawer here . just , uh , lining up all the presidents , nice and neat . aint trying to be no hero . uh uh , here you go . thanks for the upgrade . ha ha . wayne . stand back , homer . i know what im doing . well , we all know what were doing . the question is , it an appropriate reaction to the situation . drunks are so boring . my fresco . thats coming out of your stealings . wayne , maybe its the me being still alive talking , but i think youre awesome . im just a guy who saw what needed to be done and did it . oh , speaking of which , lets get these eggs back in a jar . wow , thats the farthest that one of my eggs ever made it down someones throat . its great to have a home cooked meal . well , if anyone saves my homies life , they get a free meal . which actually comes up about once a week . so , wayne , howd you learn all those cool self defense moves . i had training . special training . the kind theyre not allowed to give anymore . sorry . i have to go . oh , come on , stay for dessert . hey , simpson , you want to hear about the big change in my life . sure , why not . i started drinking orange juice with pulp . i asked the reverend , and he said it was okay . then he hung right up on me . that man is cranky at and here he is , this weeks noble nobody . what the a quiet , unassuming security guard who foiled a robbery at a local tavern , as seen in this taiwanese animated dramatization . please , sir , just let me do my job . pish tush . wayne , as a reward for your valiant fisticuffery , i hereby award you the springfield nuclear plant silver safety hat . thanks to you , wayne , we did not lose the visible half of the moon . just doing my job , sir . all too well . im afraid that protocol demands that i totally erase your memory . die , you fascist bastard . mother , is that you . wayne , stop . thats mr . burns . oh . i expect insolence , but rank insolence . off with his job . damn it . why dont you come stay with us till you can get back on your feet . really . are you sure . of course . i mean , how long could it be . i dont know . ive got no job , no references , cant afford my apartment . its best to concentrate on what you do have . i have reoccurring flashbacks to a nightmarish past . thats funny , because i have reoccurring flash forwards to a nightmarish future . unfair . unfair . that robot took our jobs . he said it . or , uh , maybe it was him . man , this robot really gets me . my nightmares are real . your voice is so gravelly , just like lauren bacalls . if you dont listen to me , senator , theres not going to be a fourth of july . wayne dont you get it . he used the governors eyeball for the retinal scan . thats ten members of the electoral college dead in one day . if you dont give me those launch codes , youll never be able to make the okay sign again . i know the map is inside your eyelids , and i will turn them inside out if i have to . if you move that little top hat to st . james place , well all be blown to kingdom come . bring me every fish in that aquarium . one of them is lying . im sorry i have so many nightmares . ive done unspeakable things , from buenos aires to the ukraine . well , what brought you to springfield . was it our frito lay distribution center . i needed somewhere to lie low . your town appears on no maps or charts . yeah , they couldnt find a google map photo without me naked or urinating . and when there was a mapmakers convention here , they all got lou gehrigs disease . not the one youre thinking of  theres another one . so , lisa , if you press on barts elbow , here , ow . hell tell you anything you want to know . i admit it . i let milhouse lie down in your bed . kids , can i talk to wayne alone a minute . remember everything they say , and tell us later in rattle code . what do you mean , no . i dont know if you should teach our children advanced interrogation techniques . im sorry , marge . sometimes i forget where i am . apology accepted . now , could you teach me a couple little driving tricks . well see who gets their pick of pizza pockets . give us your lunch money . what gives , man . whered you learn that stuff . if i told you , id have to kill you . can i tell you . no . i wont listen . we cant keep serving the same thing every day . these kids have mashed potatoes coming out of their ears . point taken . oh , my god . that song . i cant live in the real world anymore . this is the real world . hallelujah . im still alive . ha ha . and ill appreciate every moment . except the ones that arent as good as they used to be . which is all of them . oh , someone kill me . ah , junk , . beyonc confirms she will play at my daughters sweet party . humorous youtube sent by my brother . mildly funny , at best . eh , sometimes they are good for giggle . auto tune disaster victim . hiding in the basement hiding in the basement and im , like , wheres the cat . wheres , the cat . hmm crazy man attacks boss . its him . american agent who caused the death of everyone i loved . you want to give it zero stars . no . we will go to springfield , america , and kill this man . but first here , kitty , here , kitty , oh , youre an angel now . washing out the dog poo sure beats picking it up flanders driveway is my goal i am looking for a man named wayne . oh . hes gone . i dont know where he went . are you friend of his . he has no friends . except me . i see you are tight like borscht and beets . tell me , if we kidnapped a friend of waynes , would he attempt to rescue that friend . well , i suppose if the friend was being horribly tortured h hey, , wha . wha . wha . no . not the middle seat . this just in a local man has been kidnapped by ukrainian gangsters . weve received the following video . death to america . stick to script . fine . i am being held somewhere in the springfield area . turn the card . hold up todays newspaper . what will you guys use when there arent newspapers anymore . perhaps we will be living in a world where therell be no need to kidnap . oh , well , way to make me feel obsolete . oh , look  heres a coupon for scissors that you have to cut out . thanks , geniuses . russian man shut up . homer hey , what are you doing . homer ow . ow . ow . this is no way to treat the talent . russian man shut up . oh , god . i know that voice . viktor . darling , i told you to stay in your room . i told you the bedspread smells funny . nyet . marge ill get your husband back . how are you going to find him . homer is implanted with several highly powerful tracking chips . how did that happen . i left that out in a bowl and he ate them . id take a moment to enjoy those store names if i didnt have a job to do . nyet . get out of here . ow . aah . i won a silver medal in nagano  ow . and now this . oh cold so cold so , wayne , once again you crash my party . so cold . warm me up . stop it . just let me put my hands under your armpits . so much violence on the surface world . im going back . cold so cold now you can see why i cant stay in one place . not here , not anywhere . how about living on a train thats always moving . you ever eat on a train , marge . what they call a steak is barely a hamburger . now , homer , theres one more thing before i go . aw . thats what i call closure . good bye . yes , maggie , we will have a use for you soon . stay close to your busy box . wait . i know a place you can go . a place where a sadistic man with government experience can feel right at home . sir , this is the wrong form . can you hold my space while i go get the right one . nobody held my space when i was in a north korean prison being forced to write a musical about kim jung il with a car battery hooked up to my nipples . well pardon me , sir , can you tell me where palace is . what business do you have at the palace . why , someday im going to be dear leader . ha ha . you . you are too benevolent to be dear leader . lets see what they think . k is korea , just the north part i is for the internet he bans m is for the millions that are missing j is for a human tasting jam o is for oh , boy , we love our leader n is for the best korea , north g is for gee whiz , we love our leader , mmm we just wanted to give you all a big thank you from team nedna . its nice to know people still believe in love . now , wait just a minute  how come i wasnt an option in this contest . typical seymour . waits till the polls have closed before throwing his hat in the ring . i agree with america youll never give me a grandchild . thank you . oh shh . wayne shush me again , and ill take your head clean off . springfield . wha . doh . beer . god , i love to watch that woman get beer . you little . doh . they always come up with such catchy ways to make us pay for things we dont need for kids we didnt want . wow  the gym ropes are seaweed , the basketball nets are fishing nets yarr . just plastic . which is healthier than what you find in the ocean . buy a springfield elementary t shirt . i dont want people to know my kids go to this lousy school . we also have t shirts from other schools . marge oh . we can wear those to the nice mall . and now its time for lights , camera , auction . no cameras . oh , first item up for bid is always a favorite , lunch with principal skinner . ill just leave the food on your doorstep and ring the bell . moving on . next up for auction is this wonderful bench hand crafted by our second grade class . dont buy it . i bought one last year and it was crap construction . shh . do i hear . paddles down . its the only way to change the system . hello . calling from england . certainly i can put you on speakerphone . i am edith knickertwist , an eccentric widow . for this masterpiece , i bid . sold . to the mysterious and unverified mrs . knickertwist . next item our school band will play at a function of your choice . i bid . well , it looks like our model solar system will finally get an earth . and that concludes tonights auction , which has raised a school record . and our windfall is all thanks to our dear new friend on the phone . allo , luvs . mm . ive got a bad feeling about this . im mrs . knickertwist . and ive had a proper hardy har at your expense . why do i believe everything i hear in a british accent . he has thrust upon us the motley of the tomfool . i wore this all night for nothing . mr . simpson , i know youre not one of our wealthier parents , but surely youll honor your sons enormous debt . why , of course . even if i dont have a legal obligation to pay , its clearly the right thing to do . heres oh , i need more cash . better go to my invisible atm . what . two dollar charge for non network bank . oh . oh . chalmers skin ner . yes , sir . i was very pleased with your work last night . really . nope . fooled again . id say youre dumb as a post , but at least you can put a sign on a post that says fresh strawberries  one mile . you are a nitwit in an ill fitting suit . ill have you know im lop shouldered . im sorry , what did you say . i said , im lop shouldered . and i have been since i was hung by my armpits in a north vietnamese prison . i didnt know that . oh , the list of things you dont know could fill a weeks worth of morning announcements , with enough left over for a send home flyer . theres no need for hyperbole , seymour . if you think its so easy to handle bart simpson , why dont you do it yourself . you tell him , seymour . as some guy said to some dude with a beard , death to tyrants . you mean booth and lincoln . im not the history teacher . anymore . fine . i will personally take over bart simpsons education  and for once , that boys going to learn something . now , if youll excuse me , im expecting an important call and cell phone coverage in here is , uh , spotty . oh , nicely done , seymour . i guess theres some stones in your leaf bag after all . while im on a roll , im gonna call that carpet cleaning service and tell them our hallway doesnt count as a room . hello , is andr there . oh , yes , ill hold . i know i can superintend  like the wind  but teach . its been years . and we both know how that went , dont we , gary . so , you are the so called breakfast club . wrong room . were the fight club . dont you forget about me dont , you thank god they never went on to do anything since . so , simpson , youll be studying with me now . same garbage , different dumpster . well start with american history . now , im sure you know who these gentlemen are . bart dollar bill guy , five dollar bill guy , sex guy , will ferrell , black guy . bart , what if i told you there was a president who was an actual cowboy . id act like im interested , but inside id be bored . thats as good a place to start as any . theodore roosevelt great fundamental issue now before our people can be stated briefly . it is , are the american people fit to govern themselves , to rule themselves , to control themselves . i believe they are . my opponents do not . hey , this roosevelt guy was sort of interesting . did you know he was a colonel in the army . you dont say . and one time , during a speech , he was shot by a saloon keeper, , but teddy finished his speech before heading to the hospital . aha . im mad at you for some reason . townsfolk teddy , ive never said this before , but id like to learn more . man , teddy roosevelt killed more spaniards in one day than most people do in their whole lives . you know , i hate to say this , bart , but the library is about to close . really . i wanted to learn more about trust busting . take that , standard oil . tomorrow , son . tomorrow . well , ive learned a lot today . now , to go home and let tv slowly rot it all away . eh eh . not so fast . teddy roosevelt believed you could learn from books . but he also believed you can learn just as much from the out of . i thought teachers only went outdoors to smoke and cry . yes . son , have you ever seen a horse your father wasnt betting on . no , sir . come with me . so , bart , what have you learned so far . well , when horses poop , they dont stop . they just keep walking . yes , . well , heres another fun fact for you . all around you is a national park created by teddy roosevelt . mm . wow . and here i thought god created all this . thanks for setting me straight . well , wait , i didnt mean that . youve filled my head with horse poop and atheism . and all these years , i thought i was unteachable . lets stop talking now . a man who is good enough to shed his blood for the country is good enough to be given a square deal afterwards . just quoting our th president , lise . you could use a little t . r . in your life . please . i went through my t . r . phase in first grade . now i realize that the greatest roosevelt is franklin . balderdash . teddy roosevelt protected americas wildlife . yeah , so he could shoot it himself . franklin roosevelt led this country through the depression and world war ii . face on a dime . face on a mountain . i hated the roosie velts and all them family dynasties . the kennedys , the bushes , jon voigt and angelina jolie , mayor daley and his smart ass son , the daily show . thats a lot of anger , grampa . well , i like stephen colbert , but thats because i dont get the joke . and on july st , colonel theodore roosevelt and his band of rough riders charged up san juan hill and liberated cuba . cuba si . castro no . i love teddy roosevelt because he had asthma as a boy . i love him because he said , bully . the dude really knew how to rock some jodhpurs . hey , maybe chalmers would let you guys sit in on our lessons . after me , men . bully bully . id be glad to have you boys join our experiment in manly education . the fact is , todays modern schools have completely failed you . school failed me . does school have to go to summer jimbo . look at him , boys . he is the canary in the coal mine of a dying empire . youre in my coal mine now , bitches . yeah . boys are falling behind in every subject , because our classrooms are entirely geared towards girls . its all about feelings , and celebrating differences . but i loved reading its cool to cry . well , its not cool to cry . boys need to explore . build things . wreck those things . and then build them again . our first lesson begins this saturday , with an overnight trip to springfield forest . legend has it that teddy roosevelt visited the forest and lost a pair of his trademark spectacles . this weekend , we set forth in search of those spectacles . this is all well and good , but i must know what are spectacles . glasses . dolph one time , i found an old washing machine over there that still had clothes in it . all wow . this place is as beautiful as the side of a coors beer can . the kind my dad used to leave in the bathtub . there are no bad fathers in the wilderness , boy . hmm . you know , bart , mornings when i miss my rosemary the most . she sure looked good in a pair of jammies . nelson dinguses . dinguses . huh . i found em . teddy roosevelts spectacles . ah , nicely done , muntz . could this be the moment my life starts to turn around . the moment i gravity blows . gary , you took these boys on an unauthorizefield trip , and look what happened . he got some bumps and bruises and a thistle in his britches . what is the big deal . the big deal is im gonna sue you . got me one of them abogados from the bus ads . he said hell only take veinte por ciento , whatever that is . you have seen my picture on the side of a bus . and i am not smiling because i lost the case . nelson ha ha . im gonna take you for every peso you got . how did she know we get paid in pesos . they took my job away , boys . where to , boss . just drive . maybe it is cool to cry . who can name the three types of rocks . bart simpson . chalmers would actually take us out to see the rocks . you can see the rocks on page of your science book . my book is missing page . put your head on the desk and shut your eyes . my desktop is sticky with soda from the kid that had it before me . do as i say . stupid fish . dont you want to be my din ner .  . hey , gary . simpson , you are looking at a man who was not good enough for the worst public school in america . well , what would teddy roosevelt do . son , im no teddy roosevelt . im not even kermit roosevelt . i call this meeting of the brotherhood of the spectacles to order . our mission to get chalmers back his job . all hear , . hear , . bart , i want to ask you about something i read in a magazine . are you boys cyberbullying each other . how could we be . were all in the same place and we dont have computers . marge , i parented . thats great , homie . come have some ice cream on a brownie . later , losers . im thinking of something big . so big it involves taking over the entire school and not giving it up till chalmers gets his job back . bart , your mother thinks theres something suspicious about all you boys having a meeting in this tree house . well , dad , since you are taking an interest in us , maybe i should tell you oh . marge , my ice creams melting and i havent finished my brownie . come in and get some more . you guys need to get a woman . so , im considering taking drugs . would the school advise for or against that . oh , strongly against . would you like to read this pamphlet . hmm uh , well , would you read it with me . oh . you see , this boy took drugs and his scores suffered . yeah theres a car with its lights on in the teachers lot . late s model , coffee stains on front seat , stacks of rsums in back seat . bart , what are you doing . taking over the school with all the kids inside . what .  . im telling mom . great . you can call her from the closet phone . hello , mom . you wont believe what barts doing . there really is a phone in there . so immature . yo , teachwads . the brotherhood of the spectacles has taken over the school . oh , no , please . dont make us start our weekend early . our paychecks are in there . why didnt i sign up for direct deposit .  . bart , open this door now , or i will jiggle the handle indefinitely . suit yourself . we all rubbed it with boogers . damn . willie , break it down . nelson not so fast . back it up or the photocopier eats it . oh , my god . weve got a mortgage on that photocopier . willie , stay your tractor . ye cant just turn her on and off like that . oh , i guess you can . okay , we gotta stay focused jimbo , gather all the students in the gym . milhouse , take a nap . you know how cranky you get . i do not . man over p . a . watch hannity tonight at . dog day after school .  . this is kent brockman outside springfield elementary with the parents of lockdown leader bart simpson . hes not a bad boy . he had a teacher who finally got through to him , and they fired him . are you covering me up .  . yes , im afraid we are . the least i can get out of this whole nightmare is some face time on the local news . its kind of my way of sending a christmas card . happy holidays , everyone . familys fine . dude , you better see this . attention , brotherhood of the spectacles you are ordered to immediately evacuate the school , and then return to school where you belong . i need to know that chalmers will be taken care of . we dont negotiate with terrorists . or the people that supply our uniforms and weapons . we just pay whatever they say . let me talk to the boy . its time for you to stand down , son . when i met you , were nothing more than a thick file of infractions . now i see a young man im proud to call my disciplinary problem . thanks . but these rough riders arent dismounting until you get your job back . what do you think , chief . can we take the building without hurting anybody . well , if a group of muppets can take manhattan aah . aah . job restored . increase in title . fine , . youre super duper . thats all i ever wanted . no hard feelings . nothing but hard feelings , seymour . its beautiful , man . its beautiful . oh , my god . milhouse , did you take your nap . does it look like i took my nap . bart ay , caramba . sir , of all the books and movies about teddy roosevelt , which would you say is the most informative . no question night at the museum . one or two . take your pick , you cant go wrong . shh . springfield . to candy . fee fi , give me all your candy and gum . who are you and why do you want our candy . your mother is the switch witch  a sort of tooth fairy dealie . i take your sugary sweets and i give you healthy items . plain brown toothbrushes , unflavored dental floss and fun sized mouthwashes  tsa approved . this is exactly why kids need a union . now remember , homie , that candy goes to our fighting men and women overseas . its our way of letting them know were having fun back here . no sneaking off and eating that candy yourself . marge , you know id never do that . im too scared of the evil switch witch . the switch witch is me . you know , on some level , ive always known . ive got candy , skip to my lou my insulin will spike , thats what its gonna do im gonna buy me some diabetic shoes skip to my lou my what the .  . doh . hello , . i need a helicopter rescue and some cold milk . dispatcher copy that , sir . the only sane thing to do is chew off my arm . ow . ow . im not gonna swallow , cause i want to save room for candy . oops . doh . mm . im really getting the hang of this . all worth it for candy . no . dad . dad . he opened his eyes . mom . homer okay , im on the floor . i cant move . so far , a normal sunday morning . homie , youre paralyzed . but we love you and will never give up hope . can his funeral be on a school day . homer this is so horrible . i cant speak . how did this happen . last thing i remember , i was decorating the house for halloween . ah , halloween . the one time of year when the squalor of our home works to our advantage . wheres that spider . ah . squeeze , . squeeze , . a real spider would get so mad if i did this . i wonder if this thing has batteries . its alive .  . ow . hmm . well , at least i still look good . okay , handsome , thats enough primping . just because youve had a little setback doesnt mean you cant look your best . oh , marge . this is the purest love there is patient , supportive oh , cleavage . dad , im going to entertain you with the help of the brothers karamazov . alexey fyodorovitch karamazov was the third son of fyodor pavlovitch karamazov , a landowner well known in our district in his own day , and still remembered among us oh , my god . shes still on the first sentence . must make her stop . how to express my dad . ew . anyway , continuing . for the present , i will only say that this landowner  for so we ew . dad . wait a minute . can you pass gas at will . fart once for no , twice for yes . oh , my god . do you realize what this means . well , it means that you can communicate . exactly . ill recite the alphabet , and you tell me when to stop . a , b , c , d okay , first letter d . next letter . a , b , c , d , e d , e . amazing . oh , but before we continue . okay . a d , e , a . lisa dearest marge , though my body cannot move , my heart still beats and my brain still brains . i miss holding you in my arms more than my butt can say . perhaps someday there will be a cure . although if it requires months of difficult physical therapy , ill pass . you are the shining light that gets me through my darkest hours . for further communication , i will require more beans . i love you . oh , homie . shh shh . dont say a word . homer i guess my life isnt so bad . with the help of my loving family , i even published my first book . and ive finally reached a state of serenity and another spider . whats this bite gonna do . my wrists are tingling . i feel new powers surging within me . hes got the proportionate strength of a paralyzed spider . forget paying for my kids operation  im out of here . they say no two ass webs are the same . beautiful in its way . want to go home and celebrate . whoo . i wish i could move like him . flanders springfield , my hometown . pretty little place . although , even the garden of eden could use a nice cleansing rain now and then . my moneys on the kid . hey , whiskers . want to party . spend less time on your back and more time on your knees . hmm . have i lost my back alley beauty . well , those who cant do , teach . flanders no more distractions . i have work to do . all these years , i thought murder was a sin . then i got new instructions from the good lord himself in his favorite language  english . voice of god slay montgomery burns and pee in his ashes . are you sure , lord . if youre having trouble with the second part , drink a lot of water . now ive got to go . a hip hop star is thanking me at the vmas . flanders and so white bread ned became the avenging sword of the lord . peter , andrew , james the greater , james the lesser , john , philip , thaddeus . heavenly father , i voice of god quiet , you . your next divine whack job is a twofer . i command you to kill patty and selma bouvier . patty and selma . sure they smoke , and they dont shave much of anything , but do they deserve to die . do not question me , the star of the bible . now , on a non murder related note , i want you to find out whats making that funny noise in homer simpsons car . its , uh , its , you know , its like a chigga chigga . but you only hear it when youre driving over . and you never hear it when you take it to the shop . then it sounds perfect . yes , lord . homer , have you noticed how many of your enemies have died lately . mr . burns , sideshow bob you forgot patty and selma . oh , wait . that hasnt happened yet . patty and selma . whos next , ned flanders . now , how would that work . huh . okay , stupid flanders , first i want you to kill that guy at the ice cream parlor who gave homer simpson a cone that had a little air in it . flanders really . come on . god does crazy things . check your old testament . hey , dad . hey bart uh , i mean , jesus . hey son , you want flanders to kill anybody . hes totally in my power . well , theres a tall boy in front of me in class so i cant see the board . and i sayeth unto you , slay every tall boy in town . yeah . yeah . homer simpson . you made a killer out of me . yeah , and what are you gonna do about it . im going to kill you . because of you , im going to hell . language . hell . damn . backside . nothing matters anymore . im goin down and my hand basket seats two . wake up , flanders . there is no hell , and there is no god . if there were , would he let me do this . god why you little what happened .  . uh flanders killed homer . but , youre god . couldnt you make everything the way it was . well , i could . but the big man downstairs wouldnt like it . get me a coffee . yes , sir . could this get any worse . honey , come back to bed . oh , for cryin out loud . people , you are on the most inhospitable planet in the galaxy . extreme temperatures vicious indigenous life forms are there any questions . yes . are we in kansas anymore . no . well , are we in nebraska . no . we are not in any state . oh , is it michigan . nobody talk anymore . you will now direct your attention to our c . e . o . mr . krusty the clown . we are here on this fakakta planet for one reason hilarium . spray this in an audience and theyll laugh at anything . and i need some now . gotta play a nazi party rally . oh , yeah , theyre back . our spies will go planet side, , locate said hilarium and contact us so that we may begin extraction . this is a delicate mission that requires utter loyalty . i can think of no better candidate than the resentful guy in the wheelchair who has just arrived . yes , i think this is gonna work out just fine . all strapped in . yep . now prepare to take an incredible journey across the room . yo . whoa . check out this bitchin bod . oh , man , if i could just have five minutes alone with my old bullies hey , avaturd . are you guys gonna beat me up . naw , we cant . these avatars cost billion each . but your human body costs nothing . come on , lets bond , you stupid jerk . thats a japanese outlet , bart . you need an adapter . oh , maybe ill just take a taxi . where you go . where you go . no meter , is cheaper , yeah . no , thanks . suit yourself , you one eyed bastard . aw , the only thing that looks good on this stupid planet are the bananas . hmm .  . ay , caramba . thanks , dude . i am a female . you dont have to yell . i am not yelling . this is my seductive voice . i am called kamala . oh . even when were monsters , he gets the girl . fool . every part of this world is alive . apologize to sister rock . sorry , sister rock . now youve murdered our brothers , the flowers . stupid . stupid . now youre having sex with uncle tree . thank the almighty fungus you are wiser and cuter than your friend . hey , what gives , man . and now let us touch testicles and mate for life . dont you mean tentacles . i know what i said . ay , caramba . today you are a man . mazel tov . so was it okay . it was serviceable . ah , man , back on earth we dont have so many moons . what do you mean , back on earth . uh its a place on the other side of this planet thats very rainy so you can only see one moon . you know , like portland . i never hear of this port land . but on rigel seven , lack of eye contact and too many details indicate the telling of truth . i love you , sugar slime . man , you are full of surprises . i cant believe im getting combat pay for this . well done , young man . our daughter is with child . here . feel the wonder of one million fetuses . you said you were using birth control . that only keeps me from giving birth while we are having sex . how do those mountains float . they dont . they are falling . now that kamala has a slug in the oven , we must make sure she gets her daily dose of hilarium . without it , her crankiness will become unbearable . unfortunately our environment is too hostile to grow pickles . and the only flavor ice cream we have is butter brickle . to repeat no pickles , butter brickle . it is the rigelian way . so , where can i load up on this hilarium . listen closely . the hilarium is found in the sacred secretions of the queen . we have located the hilarium . lock in on my signal . traitor . how dare you betray the planet i got laid on .  . theyre all in one place . lets fry these calamari and dip em in a sauce made of their own blood . and wine from their own grapes . thats not so bad . its a little bad . so kamala , where do we keep all our tanks and planes and stuff . we have no tanks . our planet will protect us . oh , man , you sound like my art teacher . look a little like her , too . i guess this is a good time to tell you ive been a double agent all this time . but now i am totally on your side . and this is a good time to tell you i have space warts . and i got them from milhouse . time for a good old fashioned servo suitbulldozer fight . dammit . yo , colonel . uh , youve got some schmutz on your cheek . where . here . skinner . had they asked for the hilarium , we would simply have given it to them . in rigelian there is no word for yours or mine . thats the reason we didnt enjoy the movie yours , mine and ours . halloween is over , which means , america , its time to start your christmas shopping . infuse our stagnant economy with dollars you dont really have . and whatever you do , avoid the urge to make homemade gifts . knitting one sweater for someone costs americans their jobs . and dont forget , christmas is a wonderful time to take up alcoholism . come on , you see your family all year round . the holidays are for your bartender . when are we doing the black swan . springfield . doh . mm . hey . huh . the itchy and scratchy show . its alive . its alive . friend . bart , you want to see something cool . oh , did you pick that big scab off your knee . no . dont touch the scab . my science fair project proves that an asteroid will strike the earth on july . who cares . ill be president of hell by then . fine . good luck with your project , which im sure you havent started yet . ill tell you my project . a fisteroid hitting the planet nerd . thats pathetic . aw , geez , i put a lot of time in this . back to the drawing board . hmm milhouse hey , bart . i really need that shot . my dog and i accidentally touched tongues . how is it accidentally when this is the fifth time . bart , isnt that awfully similar to the cootie patch you did last year . that was preventative . this is morning after . oh , youre right . oh , what am i going to do . good ideas dont grow on trees . hmm . or do they . good shot . not really . i was trying to bounce it off your left testie . testis , my friend . look , i need help with my science fair project . to sweeten the deal , ill pick you first for basketball . ah . to be a mathlete . without the m . fly , orb , and find thy hoop . im in . in the event of a primary core breach , you have seconds to avoid a complete howdy . a woman of stature . roz davis , your new assistant . assistant . well , i have been pretty overworked lately . but i guess i should find out a little bit about you . im just a gal from ohio who never wants to call her daddy again and say , i need to borrow money . so your dad has money to lend . this is where we get our coffee . just leave a little at the bottom , so someone else has to make the next pot . the burning smell will let them know . genius . uh oh . its old man burns . hello , young man burns . oh , simpson , you do know how to whip my buggy . that sucker soaks up flattery like a twinkie soaks up gravy . well , when its a handsome guy like you talking well your giggles like strawberry wine . oh . and your snorts like a summer breeze . thats not very attractive , though . you okay . im fine . bart , i fail to see the scientific function of this homer humiliator youve devised . well , we gotta come up with something . hey , what if we make some kind of robopet . what made you think of that . thy will be done , lord vader . just dont hurt me . oh , please . a robopet . not a bad idea . bully , bart . bully . where . is it nelson . no , bart , its just an expression . who hath summoned me . everybody its a future shock future shock future shock baby seal , huh . research shows its impossible to gaze at a baby seal and say anything but aw precisely . and at science fairs , the aws get the as . ah . heavens to asimov . hmm . must make sure these wires arent crossed . aw marge . get my seal club . the big one . theyre all pretty big . im an experiment . fine . bart check it out . all aw so the soft fur , big eyes , and gentle motion are designed to make it one hell of a pet , with none of the poop . this is the most adorable thing ive ever seen in my entire life . what a wonderful science fair . unfortunately , due to budget cuts , we could not afford our third place ribbon . no in second place , lisa simpsons grim description of our short sighted dependence on fossil fuels . its about an asteroid . theyre all the same , gloomhilda . first place goes to bart simpson and martin prince yeah . for creating a furry robotic friend who provides comfort when humans fail to . which they will , trust me . i carried you in my belly for four and a half months . when you fell out on the bus , thats when my job ended . congratulations on getting a ribbon , lisa . you mustve baked a mighty fine pie . it wasnt a pie . it was science . and its not fair . my project was way better than barts , and i didnt have help from a nerd . im my own nerd . oh , sweetie . being second aint the worst thing that can happen . look at poor old jasper over there . he lost his wife , his kids dont call . soon hell just be bones and beard . wow . while i was sitting here feeling sorry for myself , barts invention actually changed someones life . and best of all , i got funding for my homer humiliator . hmm . oh . ow . why would a homer humiliator do this to me . yello . hey , barney . a free movie screening . of course i can go . i just need somebody to hold down the fort . hmm hm . oh , uh , roz . i have to step out for one hour and minutes . could you cover for me . go ahead . oh , uh if an emergency alarm goes off , theres earplugs in the top drawer . mm mm . life imitates flart . it says that on the poster . i thought of it first . marge , i just saw the greatest movie . guess what happens when a mop is replaced with an octopus . ill give you a clue . its funny . take off the glasses . simpson  a gangly little bird told me youve been lollygagging at the biograph . someone snitched . w w are you going to do to me . youre demoted . up , or down . down . dont tell my wife . so , partner , whats next on the agenda . oh , um back off , man . cant you see youre embarrassing bart . when did you take that picture . last time you slept over at my house . i love when youre sleeping and at peace . hey , skippy , we need some more of them loveable critters for our friends at the home . unless you got any heroin . you got any heroin . hmm . well , then , critters it is . im telling you guys , roz told oldan burns i ditched work early , and now im her assistant . i dont know , homer . youre saying shes nice on the outside , but mean on the inside . no one could pull that off . enjoy . and as for you , homer , dont worry . youre at moes tavern  lady free since . what the . this is a gentlemans club . yeah . so , what you boys drinkin . im buyin . can we just have the cash value of the drink . be my guest . id rather use my money to buy a moe souvenir t shirt . that comes in kid sizes , too . homer oh , no , this is terrible . what am i gonna do . oh arent you gonna come to bed , homie . cant , marge . im fighting for my professional life here . do you know what i just learned . my job is the reason i get the checks every week . and now that im demoted , the checks have gotten smaller . not in physical size , but i know . i know . i represent the eternal valley funeral home , and im here to talk about an extremely unpleasant subject people continuing to live . if we dont have a frickin funeral soon , people , you can say good bye to howards flowers . calm down , howard jr . now , here is the zip , the zap and the zing . were gonna rewire charlie loveable here into the greatest threat to seniors lives since nursing homes themselves . switcheroo . impressive . hard to believe two ten year kids built this . and i heard one of them did all the work . wow . its true . am i early . youre late . since i got demoted , i have to show my i . d . but the picture was taken so long ago , i put on a lot of weight , so i have to stretch out my face and say , i used to look like this . late . youre mean . now , i want a list of a hundred ways to make your job worse by close of business today . can one of the hundred be making the list . no . can some of them be callbacks to earlier ones . also , no . oh . were live at the springfield retirement castle , where long time resident , alice glick , died last night , at the paws of this cuddly little killer . our channel six substitute medical expert dr . nick riviera had this to say . the champion was cleared to fight . ahem , doctor , this press conference is about a nursing home death . the springfield police are in the process of taking all the robots into custody , safely returning the seniors to their hopeless , dismal lives . shut that thing off . i meant the tv . sorry . hi . we need someone to reprogram our robots to break out of jail . a chance to reprogram robots . well , i had a date with a beauty queen tonight , but forget it . uh , hello , yes , hello , miss wyoming . i ill have to climb your grand tetons another night . the breast joke . i i served it up . why wont he love me .  . do this , do that . lousy roz thinks shes so big . well , looks like its time for another end of the walk talk with homer and ned . tonights topic the niceness of the evening . hey . homer , all nonsense aside , are you okalidokalaroony . im having problems with my new boss roz . shes the most evil person to come out of ohio since lebron . but at least he thought long and hard before screwing everybody over , in public , for no reason . you know , i knew a backstabbing buckeye named roz at bible camp . twice as tall as she shouldve been . is this her . come on . the apple must be wreaking havoc with the twinkie . it is . but if youve got the stones , i can tell you how to slay that gal ioth . are you aware that stones means man junk . what the  ive been using that around the boys . whew . thank you . now , it was one of our biggest celebrations , the th sunday after easter . wed just had a rousing no fun run , and in the heat of the moment , i wanted to offer my respectful best wishes . peace be with you . well , sir , she went crazy . crazier than sleeping in on a sunday . i cant stand to be touched . never tell anyone . and i havent . not until now . thats it . thats it . my nightmare is over . oh , flanders , you are my personal savior . oh , thats nice , but i dont approve of hail flanders . mightier than jesus . yes , i , uh , i hereby call to order this meeting of the north american man bot love association . ill say this one more time we really should change that name . yes , all right , ill change it to whatever you like , as long as man bot love is in there somewhere . now , lets look at these blueprints , shall we . wish id thought of that . uh , first , we remotely adjust them so they will never be malicious again . there , and there . now , arise , little ones . hey hey, , whats going on here . i better call . oh , its always busy when i call . what a bunch of idiots . hey  aw , i cant stay mad at you . go on , get out of here . oh , chief . yeah . yeah , you , too . although this millennium is still young , i feel it is time to award this giant trophy , paid for with your health care cuts to our beloved roz . what the deuce . sarcastic clapping . congratulations , roz . what are you doing here , simpson . if there isnt dry cleaning in the back of my car , theres gonna be blood on my knuckles . uh , i just came to say that youre perfect . so perfect , i think mr . burns should give you a hug . who told you . i wont say , but his initials are s . f . stupid flanders . hug , . employees hug , . youre fired . i underestimated you . i dont know what that middle word means . well , it means my perception of you is that you were kind of a goof , but now i see youre rather clever . what is perception . its how i view you . you understand that . no . i used to think you were an idiot . now it turns out , youre not such an idiot , in fact , you might even be smart . little help . rub the butter around you . need more butter . and not the unsalted . do you want to get out of there or not . mr . j . if i dont get my green card , theyre gonna turn me back into a washing machine . no dawdling . just move it along . oy , . my mechanical mensch . how i missed you . bless you , boys . now that we got em back , well never let em go again . cause theres no stronger force than a senior citizen holding onto a freebie . springfield . the jars are full , so youve earned your saturday surprise dad day . bart and lisa yay . this saturday , from the dad who brought you cemetery paintball and go karts on real roads , comes the greatest activity yet bart and lisa video game convention . and check these out . bart and lisa vip passes . is there any better feeling than cutting in line because a plastic badge says youre special . bart gts . homer so many games . ah . wow . bart whoa . w . o . k .  .  . homer oh , the flying tomato . bart ah . tmtolo . dll to . oh . acsol . hc .  . whoa . guts of war two entrails of intestinox . colon slash . rectum kill . weve made a game thatll reward the hardcore gamer with hundreds and hundreds of hours of finished it . huh . but working on this game cost me my marriage . i i have twins ive never met . well , when you meet them , tell them your games too easy . to the lame , dead on humor of stanford . uh oh, , im losing the crowd . game announcer level cleared . next level study for chemistry test on bus ride home . this is the funnest game ever . man , how many quarters does this game take . dad . funtendo is unveiling their new system in three minutes , in hall g . and were in hall d . three halls , three minutes . no problem . homer out of my way . move it . geeks must yield to normals . rooms full . hmm . aha . bart and lisa yay . woo hoo . conventions rock . fun dad rocks . i need a nap . you kids have had a big day . head up to the tub while i deflate your toys . save us , fun dad . the kids sure had a good time with you . yeah , i was on today . scary on . how come they never call me fun mom . look , honey , a familys like a team . and on every team , you have the slam dunking megastar and the referee . its not fair . moms want to be fun , but were stuck with all the mom stuff . okay , how about this next week , you take the kids on a saturday surprise dad day . what if we roll pennies and go to the dollar store . thats good , marge . get all the terrible ideas out of your system . oh . ive got it . your saturday surprise mom day is the x games . bart and lisa yay . x games . x games . all right . that isnt an x , mom . welcome to the cross games , simpsons . a christian fellowship expo . are there at least games here . oh , no , games stands for gathering of american messengers for evangelical sports . sports . sports stands for strict parental oversight rather than sports . come on , kids , fun comes from inside . it isnt about what we actually do . yes , it is . thats all it is . youre right , youre right , youre right . lets go . thank the lord . two children to play debtors in the parable of the unjust steward . all the other kids are at something called the x games . im sorry , gang . i blew it . i hate it when grown ups call kids gang . dont worry about it , mom . dad will take us on a great outing next weekend . why do old squirrels always crawl into my engine to die . oh . guess well be making an unscheduled pit stop , gang . were not a gang . gangs are cool . uh , mom , where are we . nowhere scary . everythings fine . well just wait here for the tow truck . that newborn has earrings . mom , were hungry . oh . i guess we could make a sprint for one of these local establishments . theyre using pancakes as spoons . oh , lets see what else they do wrong . ew . ugh . theyre selling cds in the restaurant . back to the car . what can i get you . oh , ill just have a side salad . we have no side salad . back to the car . relax , mom . be adventurous . yeah , just have fun . dad would . whats the craziest thing on the menu . she means the most authentic . well , that would be the zelzel minchet aletcha wat . then ill have that . okay , marge , you test drove a convertible once you can do this . holy casserole y . thats good gloop . i wish i lived in ethiopia . exotic , vegetarian , i can mention it in a college essay . mom , this is amazing . wait , what is she eating . theyve never served me that dish , and i wear indigenous beaded headgear . oh , this . its just a little zelzel minchet aletcha wat . its all i ever eat here . they have prepared her a dish from the non translated page . so grab a pancake and slurp some slop . foodies , heed my call . commence ripping and dipping . so , did all of your cars break down . mom , theyre here on purpose . theyre foodies . indeed . our passion is to seek out interesting foods , savor their exotic flavors , then blog about them . yes . we discovered korean barbeque in this town . uh , before the koreans . oh , sure they cook it , but they dont get it . when you stick a pancake into a friends mouth , its a goorsha . everybody goorsha . all goorsha . bart and lisa goorsha . goorsha . goorsha . goorsha . goorsha . goorsha . goorsha . goorsha . goorsha . marge , the kids are acting ethnic . relax , homie . have some leftover galalalalalalalalah . oh , no . i dont eat anything new unless ive eaten it before . aw , come on , dad , be a foodie . youre already a fatty and a drunkie . i dont want to think about food , i want to like it . why drive across town to savor a bowl of mystery mush when theres four different krusty burgers we can see from our house . oh , and heres my favorite restaurant la fridge . its open hours a day and theres no dress code . what kind of american man doesnt want to explore global food culture . and then brag about it on the internet . we should start our own food blog . the three mouthketeers . three . you mean , one , two me . were blogging a food blog marge and bart and lisa as one now were having fun now throwing down mad foodie game knowing all the chefs names rolling into k town bibimbap and bulgogi the hotties that i chill with sriracha and kimchi give me house made terrines my duck is always confit i braise with a billion more btus than i need cook thanksgiving turkey in a trash bag , sous vide a fumatore in brindisi fedex me salami dont scoop gelato unless its got umami ill be frank like bruni , ruthless like reichl wiley like dufresne when i take the mic out rhyme about radicchio criticize colicchio every pub is gastro all my beef carpaccio throw it in the pho , yo and dont you call that pho talk about broth squirting dumplings were blogging a food blog uploading pics with our fun mom , fun mom , fun mom . people are loving our list of springfields top afghan restaurants . i feel bad for all those places that didnt make the cut . all right , food nerds , reality check . all the food in those pictures is poop by now . minds blown , youre welcome . oh . ill remind you kids what real fun is . hey , kids . krustyland has a new ride . the eyeballs of death . it only passed the safety panel by a three to vote . and that third vote didnt come cheap . and ive got tickets for the grand opening saturday night . whoa . cool . uh , kids , dont forget about our special plans saturday night . oh , sorry , dad . our blog is so popular , we got an invitation to the most exclusive restaurant in town . kent brockman himself could only get a reservation at or . its called el chemistri , and they use science to make the food . behold pine needle sorbet . pine needle sorbet . pine needle sorbet . my kids do not eat sorbet they eat sherbet . and they pronounce it sherbert , and they wish it was ice cream . sorry , dad , this is our thing now . fine , blow off fun dad and go eat your walrus mustaches and deep fried pixie wings . dont be so jealous , homie , just because the kids are finally having fun doing something with me . aah . jealous . me . that is to laugh . the very idea . if anything youre the one whos jealous . of what . of how much fun i am to be around . its always a party with fun dad . too sad to walk . too sad and fun to walk . what are you doing . when im sad , i make baseball bats . homie , i dont want you to feel excluded . would you like to come with us to dinner at el chemistri . really . youd let me in on your thing . even though i think its stupid . of course . hand me that saw , marge . why . when im happy , i make birdhouses . kids , guess what . mom invited me to your fancy dinner . cool . awesome . i guess fun dad is a foodie now . bart and lisa food dad . food dad . food dad . im food bad boy tony bourdain . theres nowhere i wont go and nothing i wont eat , as long as im paid in emeralds and my hotel room has a bidet that shoots warm champagne . im here at a singapore street food market with famous blogging family , the three mouthketeers . marge , youve got to try some of this hang hir kuay chap . oh , triple spicy barbecued stingray stuffed with pig organs . fun dad is a foodie now . this is my thing and always will be . food dad . food dad . food dad . everythings more fun with homer . but this was all i had . british man stop your bloody whinging , marge . aah . gordon ramsay . you it up , big blue , didnt you . why did you invite homer . he stole your bloody thunder . youre not as fun as him , and you never will be . darling , cryings not fun . homers fun . now , get out of my dream . its my dream . not anymore its not . ramsay , awake . what in the hell was that . fun me . fun me . fun me . kids , i was thinking , was it really such a great idea to invite your father to that dinner . relax  dad will be the life of the party . hell be the fourth mouthketeer . but there werent four musketeers . yeah huh . athos , porthos , aramis and dartagnan . dartagnan wasnt a musketeer . he only had a letter of introduction to the captain of the guards  which he lost . you know , im pretty excited about this far out dinner . maybe ill like it . oh , i doubt it . you sit at communal tables full of hipsters . well , actually , ive come around on hipsters . takes a lot of guts to all wear the same hat . and the food will all be weird foams  cooked with chemicals or served in a test tube . its too crazy for you . so its weird . dont worry , ill make it fun . yeah , you always do . well , heres where to meet us . east oak street . east oak street . is that it . uh yes . yes , east oak street . thats where you should go . see you there . dont you judge me . ah , save it for the sitter . welcome to el chemistri . please place these mints in your mouth , and when your table is ready , they will vibrate . oh . here it is east oak . no name on the door  very trendy . what do you want . is this the chemical kitchen place where you do the crazy cooking . quiet , man . the experience begins . wheres dad . uh i dont know . probably changed his mind and stopped off for doughnuts . chef before you is a deconstructed caesar salad romaine lettuce gel , egg yolk ice , crouton foam and anchovy air . you eat it like this gel , ice , foam , air , foam , ice , gel , foam , air . just like marge said  chemicals and test tubes . the open kitchen is a nice touch . i guess ill get started before my family gets here . how much for a taste . you know , just to get me going . ouch . this place is fancy . the next course is regret . hipsters . too cool for school . you dont look like the kind of guy who does this . well , my wife thinks its too crazy for me , but im going to prove her wrong . im doing this for my family . all right , breaking baddies , drop the meth . pick up the meth . pick up the meth . this better be dinner theater . and now , pork chops ways . diners oh . i cant believe dad is missing this . sure , your dads great , but im fun , too . look at me eat , huh . doh . doh . doh . who am i kidding . im not enjoying this . even the foam tastes like nothing . im calling homer . homer marge . this isnt a food restaurant . its a meth restaurant . a meth taurant . aah . foodies , help me . my husbands in danger . oh , we cant leave now . we havent had the root vegetables cooked in the perfect vacuum of outer space . they say you cant even understand parsnips until you had zero g parsnips . how dare you walk out on me . your dessert is in this doggie bag woven from the silk of a blueberry fed spider . take it and go . ah , shucks . we get the family dressed up to go to our favorite meth lab , and its all raided out . oh , honey , i always liked your home cooked better anyways . aw . uh , where do you think youre going . a wife needs to tell her husband she was wrong . and in you go . sorry . everything youve done here has created problems . ive got to save him . oh . my dessert . eat deconstructed apple pie . merci , maman , pour la tarte tatin la mode . oh , marge , you saved me from the danger you put me in . i am so happy and angry . im sorry . i guess i just wanted the kids to look at me the way they look at you . aw . wow , mom . that was awesome . we ate mad scientist food and broke up a meth lab in the same day . fun mom . fun mom . fun mom . now , thats my kind of foam . this is nice . a family fun day . heres bucks . for the next two hours , i dont want to know you exist . family fun day . were bloggin a food blog settin up accounts for our users usin computers post tweets every day yo , tweets every day , yall never give it four stars aint never give it four stars maybe two , maybe three moderatin the comments checkin the page views , page views , page views duck fat truffle oil , yo , my food is art , my food is art it comes right from the heart . shh . springfield . its so cute that all these children are excited to see their favorite dinosaurs . these arent dinosaurs . dinosaurs sing . i want to go back in mommy . oh , . i paid for five minutes . narrator the dinosaurs ruled the earth for millions of years , until a massive asteroid collided with the earth , bringing their reign to an end . homer ex tinct . narrator so remember , take good care of the earth , or we could suffer the same fate as the dinosaurs . oh , kids , did you hear that lesson . how is that the lesson . the point of the dinosaurs is , no matter what we do , an asteroids gonna wipe us out , so we should party hard and wreck the place . yeah . why should the asteroid have all the fun . what . theyve got a point . gift shop . gift shop . all right , you can each have one toy . lisa has a big toy . no fair . that means i get two small toys . no fair . this isnt big , its medium . no fair . then i get four small toys and lisa gets no fair . all right , thats it . forget it . no toys for anyone . okay , maggie gets a toy . no fair . no fair . choke on fossil poop . hey , i know you . wait . wait . come back . dad , follow that dinosaur . ive waited my whole life to hear that . triceratops head coming through . stegosaurus back plates , used for either defense or control of body temperature , coming through . so tired . go on without me . t . rex mouth creaking youre t . r . francis . you wrote the angelica button books . theyre my favorite fantasy novels . um , yes , its me , the creator of your beloved magical world , full of whimsy and , uh chapters . now , off you go . bye bye, , now . but why are you working at a dinosaur show . and why did you run away from me . and how did angelica get a new wand after baron mortdeath burned the wandwood forest . and look , you seem like a smart kid , so heres the truth . t . r . francis isnt real . of course youre real . everybody knows you got the idea for this series after an explosion at a crumpet factory knocked you off a double decker bus . how could that be made up . im just an actress they use for the jacket photo . that inspirational life story is pure fiction . oh , i hate to break it to you , but all the books you kids love are conceived in executive boardrooms . the plots are based on market research , and the pages are churned out by a room full of pill popping lit majors desperate for work . publishers rake in the cash , and unsuspecting kids get ten books a year by their favorite author . everything i believed about young adult literature is a lie . homer its not against the law to sleep in a tyrannosaurus head . sir , youre inside an allosaurus . homer i demand to speak to my paleontologist . can i have my allowance early . i need to buy some carbon offset credits so i can burn all my angelica button books . oh , honey , im sorry your book lady turned out to be a dinosaur . but you liked the stories when you read them . so what does it matter . doesnt it bother you that betty crocker is an invention of s era ad men . i know youre hurting , but thats no reason to lash out at me . can you believe publishers would lie to their readers just to make an easy million bucks . a million bucks .  . every book on the young adult charts is written by five idiots who just want to take advantage of kids . i know five idiots . and they just cash their checks and get away with it every time . its the perfect crime . as long as you dont mind betraying the trust of vulnerable young minds . the perfect crime , eh . whatever the job is , im not interested . a million bucks has changed stupider minds than yours . i like the beat , play me the tune . were taking down kids who read . chapter book crowd . thats a juicy peach . but whats the cream . im putting together a tween lit gang write . tween lit gang write . tween lit gang write . but this babar needs a zephyr . a zephyr . youre the zephyr . this better not turn out like kansas city . it wont be like kansas city . come on , skinner , youre the best kid man in the business . youve read their notes , searched their lockers  you know how tweens think . oh , no , thanks , gentlemen , ive got a nice , quiet life here and i mean to keep it that way . your friends are looking at my bloomers . wash em again . with your share of the money , you could get your own studio apartment . the refrigerator could have my magnets on it . im in . come on , beautiful , i cant do the job without you . so , what do you say doh . ow . our crew needs you , bouvier . youve read enough fantasy novels to choke a hippogriff . patty mm its true . im fluent in every imaginary language , from dothraki to parseltongue . i wouldnt join one of your harebrained schemes for all the japanese girlfriend pillows in kyoto . were not here for you , were here for lenny . sorry , guys . i just adopted a capuchin monkey , and i cant leave it alone during the bonding phase . wait , i want in . what does your crew need , a safecracker . a a wheel man . the caper is writing a kids fantasy novel . well , i , uh , i dont like to brag about it , but i did publish five modestly successful childrens books . hmm . all we need now is a computer guy . do you have a computer . uh , yes . youre in . in what . i keep going over the job from every angle , but i cant shake the feeling that were missing something . relax . with the team we put together , our bookll fly off the shelves , and well be sipping mai tais on a beach in shelbyville . youre group writing a book . but the only reason anyone would ever do that is profit . like no one ever writes for money , lisa . i dont see your boyfriend william shakespeare missing too many meals . ill show you . ill write a book myself . a personal story my readers will connect with . wait , youre gonna be all the guys . how would that work . this is how real writers do it . ill just bang out words , and then ill stop  even if im on fire . i got to pace myself . chapter one . wait . i cant start without music to inspire me . why is bach next to muddy waters . thats my problem  i got to get these cds organized . there . finished . now , if i win just two more games of online boggle , ill be ready to start writing . spot , stop , sop , top tops, , pot pots, , opt opts post . okay , weve cased a lot of tween books . whats their m . o .  . the heroes are all orphans . and theyre set in a place kids relate to  say a school  but its actually magic . and the protagonist always discovers that he is supernatural . okay , our book will be about an orphan who goes to a magical school where he discovers hes a vampire . vampires like these . homer huh . patty or those . homer huh . patty or these guys . homer huh .  . so many vampires . with the fangs and the capes and the medals  nobody knows how they earned them . hey , this jobs falling apart . everyone head for a different airport , and we meet in rio in a year with new faces . no ones going anywhere . okay . the vampire genre is sucked out . all we got to do is find a new monster to be our hero . kids aah . a troll . hey , i aint a troll . look , i bleed red , just like you . th the first part is always green , but it turns red . a troll . thats it . our book could be about an orphan troll . trolls live under bridges  the school should be under a bridge . the brooklyn bridge . and the cool kids are elves . the cheerleaders are pixies . the stoners are gargoyles . and they play a complicated sport which makes no sense called fuzzlepitch . oh , yeah , thats good . weve cracked it . were gonna be rich . man pardon me , but are you scheming to coauthor a successful series of childrens fantasy novels . okay , stonehenge , lets see how good you are at eavesdropping without a throat . dont kill him . thats neil gaiman . i dont care if hes the guy who wrote sandman volume one preludes and nocturnes  no one spies on us . perhaps someone of my experience would be a valuable addition to your crew . the king of fantasy books on our fantasy book writing team . okay , gaiman , youre in . your job is to get lunch . and lose the british accent . cheeseburgers , french fries . im all over that , pal . sitting in a coffee shop . i couldnt feel more like a real writer . oh , i better set up my wi fi, , in case i need to do some research . but if im gonna use their free internet , i really should buy something . god , i love being a writer . and so , lucinda placed the fifth shard in the stained glass window , which now clearly read , your parents are alive . gregor turned to his twin sister , and they both understood , their journey was just beginning . the end . its good . weekly reader star selection good . i just hope we put in enough steampunk , whatever that is . who wants to see my cover mock up .  . the troll twins of underbridge academy . im so proud of us . oh , you didnt write any of it . that tuna didnt salad itself . ive got it . a mermaid falls in love with a boy on land . im a genius . writing is the hardest thing ever . huh . hope you dont mind us printing our book in your room , lis . yeah , only your professional strength output tray can handle the weight of our manuscript . correction . finished manuscript . whoo hoo . man trolls in a magical prep school under the brooklyn bridge . interesting . group whoo . this is a really good book . we know . we wrote it . i laminated the lunch menu and put them ia binder . but we have a problem here . wheres your fake author . fake author . fake author . if you dont have a made up author with an inspirational tale , you dont have a book . wheres your franklin w . dixon . wheres your t . r . francis . wheres your stephen king . stupid , . we forgot to create a fake author . that was gaimans job . lets acid melt him in a bathtub . okay , stay frosty . all we need to do is find some sap to pretend to be the writer of our book . so hit the floor and find some pathetic wanna be author . coming to the book fair sure was a great idea . cause you cant write if you dont know what the competitions up to . a dog wrote a bestseller .  . all ive done is procrastinate . ah , who am i kidding . there will never be a book with my name on it . or your name could be on a book in ten minutes . do i have to do any writing . no . im in . ah , a preteen prodigy . i like the hook . whats the phony back story . i was raised in a traveling circus . my mother was a lady ringmaster , and my father was a lion barber . i wrote my first story with clown lipstick on a flattened popcorn box . it was featured in the new yorkers best forty under four issue . whoa , . is r . l . stine here , cause you just gave me goosebumps . oh , good one , boss . congratulations . you just sold your book for a million dollars . gentlemen , to the troll twins of underbridge academy . yeah . so , does this square us for kansas city . square as golden books , pop . what happened to me . in one vulnerable moment , i became the thing i hated most  a literary fraud . but lis , when this book comes out , youll be beloved . not just by milhouses . youll get attention from jacksons , xanders , even aidens . aw , ive always wanted an aiden . here it is , an advance copy . the vampire twins of transylvania prep .  . wheres the trolls . the trolls are now vampires , the brooklyn bridge is now a castle , and fuzzlepitch is now bloodball . oh , weak . weak and lame . how could the publishers change our book . if they had been in charge of the sistine chapel , the whole thing would be vampires , instead of the popes private naked dude mural . look , we market tested the book , and it really got dinged on the whole trolls thing . i mean dinged . so we made some changes . dont feel bad . before we got our hands on twilight , it was about a girl who fell in love with a golem . but teenagers werent going to spend their allowances to join team schmul . but the trolls were the best part . do the characters still say trolly instead of cool . no . oh , that is so untrolly . hey , if you dont want your words changed , write a screenplay . we own your book , so why dont you go and cry into your million dollar check . how could they do this to our book . it was the singular vision of seven people . no way . what youre feeling is called pride of authorship . you thought you only cared about money , but you actually care more about what youve created together . british fonzie is right . our story is actually more important than money . i was gonna buy the apartment next door and fill it with dolls , but now that just sounds stupid . they cant do this to us . weve got to fight back . yeah , lets get em . oh , yeah . hes right . we got to fight rule number one of book heists  never fall in love with the book . we queer the deal , we lose the money . bart , remember the thousand year war between the trolls and the ogres . yeah . now its a dance contest at the vampire prom . lets steal back our book . somewhere in that building is a computer with their sucky version of our masterpiece . the book prints at midnight , so if we swap in the original version , theyll print the wrong book  our book . and before the publishers can do anything about it , the troll twins of underbridge academy will be in every bookstore in america . this is the fuzzlepitch finals , and tonight , we drink from the wazzle cup . hello . im the pizza delivery man . we didnt order a pizza . no , of course you didnt . the establishment i work for delivers pizzas to everyone , and then gives the customer the option of accepting or refusing delivery . thats a terrible business strategy . no , its quite sound . okay , fine . wheres the pizza . pizza . the central computers through here . all we have to do is upload our file and good evening , gentlemen . kansas city . kansas city . so , you thought you would un ruin your book . if its y consolation , you never had a chance . whoo hoo . all right . someone in your gang tipped me off to your little caper . a traitor . i bet its the earl of marmalade over here . no , guys . it was me . oh , betrayal . it cant be . its always a dame . but why . because a little girl wants her dream to come true . lisa my name is finally on a book . and theyre letting me write the sequel . a hard deadline is just the kick in the pants i need to focus and get some serious writing done . now to enter the password and to authorize final publication . my favorite theme of a wall calendar . lisa , would you care to do the honors . im sorry . oh , by the way , the audio book is only available abridged . abridged . well , we may have lost , but we gave the bad guy a laugh . thats something . our book . the real one . yes . wonderful words . no need to thank me , boys . homer hey , you wouldnt say that unless there was a need to thank you . you could never have printed your version of the book without the publishers password , so i pretended to betray you . then after he typed the password , i secretly switched the flash drives . you switched the drives . i got the idea from every movie ever made . and the best part is , my face is still on the back flap . gaiman . poor lisa . did it never occur to her that there might be three flash drives . ive heisted my way to the bestseller list once again . and the most brilliant part is , i dont even know how to read . gaiman , ive been waiting to do this for a long time . congratulations , partner . we did it . hey , neil , how come you watched me drink mine , but you didnt drink yours . its simple , moe . i dont like the taste of poison . ah crap . shh . springfield . is there any better feeling than waiting for a live krusty show to start . maybe watching your bride coming down the aisle . hmm . why does she get to eat before the reception . seltzer bottle connected and pressurized . check . roll up dicky set to six . nope .  . my comedy comes from taking risks . or avoiding them , i cant remember . krusty , we need to talk . make it fast . i got a coiled up spring ready to boi oi . oh , why cant i be funny with just my words . bill maher doesnt put dangerous things near his crotch , except when hes off work . yeah . its about your vodka , absolut krusty . were having trouble persuading people its hip to drink a vodka made by a clown , in a bottle shaped like a clown , that does this when you open it . always gets me . yeah , plus , that tv special where you drank another brand of vodka didnt help . i used up my stuff poisoning deer . if were ever gonna sell your vodka , we need to do something completely unorthodox  a viral marketing campaign . people are more likely to drink your vodka if they think all their coolest friends are drinking it . so , we pay for a big party at the home of a springfield trendsetter . your brockman , your bumblebee man he invites his cool friends , we serve free cocktails , made with your vodka , generating buzz . we got buzz . positive buzz . that exists . wow . so , all you have to do is find one of your loyal fans whose house we can trash and friends you can exploit . i need a drink . not that . never that . hey , kids . who wants to host a viral marketing event . all yay . all you have to do is write me a letter about how hip and influential your parents are . milhouse , im gonna win that thing . how do you know , bart . maybe for once ill win . children of troubled marriages not eligible . oh . so , uh , why are you here . is it about that unauthorized krusty lookalike i hired for lisas first communion . what was his name . krappy the klunk . see . homer , were here to throw the most redonkulous marketing outreach this towns ever seen . all you have to do is invite every cool person you know . hey , i wrote the application . do any of my friends get to come . one friend . he can listen to music with headphones on , he gets one slice of cheese pizza , and if the party gets slow , he has to pretend to let krusty save him from drowning . redonkulous . off the dilge . this party is so much better than the crummy ones we plan . i hope barts having fun . and thats why john gielgud is more of a father to me than my own father . wheres the nachos you promised . therell be time enough for nachos . why cant i go to the grown up room . you said the clown scared you . well , he did a little . boy , everyone from the nuclear plant is here . except the bosses , of course . yeah , even homers not dumb enough to invite burns so . this is the famous party . feh . guh . pffoy . hes destroying our youthful demographic . oh , god , i need a drink . so the car in front of us forgot to validate his uh i was in an anecdote once . um , i have surgery in the morning . yeah , and im the one having the surgery . homer , youre the nominal host . do something . oh . uh . oh . mr . burns , so glad youre here . finally , the party can get started . your cotillion seems to be in full promenade . good one . uh , mr . burns , everyone is dying to hear you sing karaoke . come on , just pick a popular song . do you have anything by prince wilhelm of prussia . i have million songs , but , uh , no . just play the oldest , stupidest thing in your catalog . uh , let me check my beeswax cylinders . uh , here we are . come josephine in my flying machine . going up she goes , up she goes balance yourself like a bird on a beam all in the air she goes , there she goes . applause and cheering , mr . burns chuckles may you all fly in an aeroplane someday . you certainly seem to be enjoying yourself , sir . indeed . that homer simpson is the beating baboon heart of this party . so he says , bigamy is having one too many wives . to which i replied , sos monogamy . oh , yeah . i may have a use for this simpson character higher up in the organization . really . well , as safety inspector , he hasnt exactly set the world on fire , although he came close several times . simpson , youre probably wondering why youre here . its never good . i always wind up being chased by hounds , or falling through a trapdoor , or being a peg in your game of human croquet . when i made you a hoop , you split your pants . now , here at the plant , theres no position more important than our accounts man , whos responsible for glad handing our customers and suppliers . id like you to take over that position . the last thing i understood in that was pants . just give me your answer , and make it quick . our current account man , robert marlowe here , is retiring at the end of the month . in two weeks , the only tie ill be wearing is for autoerotic pleasure . yes . simpson , only you have the bonhomie and rotund charm to replace him . it means a hefty expense account and a corner office . well , in that case before you say yes , simpson , i feel its my duty to warn you , account men lose their soul . woo hoo . no more church . so long , sector . hello , sector . uh . the higher they rise , the further they fall . you know , youre kind of a downer . i thought you were retiring . why are you still here . hey , youre a baby account man . still on the bottle . so , for my last good deed before i retire , im going to help you persuade mayor quimby to sign off on a nuclear rate hike . uh oh, , a meeting with the mayor . how do i prepare for that . i see . now , how do i prepare for the meeting with the mayor . i am really enjoying this , but , um hello . meeting with the mayor . aw . bourbon go bye bye . there aint enough bourbon in kentucky for you , big guy . yeah , the governor wrote me a letter to that effect . wow , i cant believe im eating steak with the mayor . the next time , i vote for you , its gonna be on purpose . much obliged . now , uh , where would you like to discuss your proposed tax breaks . mmm . hey , homer . look at you , man . ive outgrown you . oh , mr . mayor , more peanut nore . say what you will , man . hes pretty resourceful . homer wow . these seats are amazing . and if you dont like the score , you can change it yourself . homer boring . god , what a great game . and you , too , can be on the winning team , mr . mayor . the springfield nuclear team . i have never heard an analogy involving sports . i love it . i cant believe that was work . yeah , but work is over now . want to drink with me till i fall asleep . oh , well mm , i really should look at this picture a little longer . hmm . okay , lets go . great . now , in honor of my last day on the hamster wheel , i have a little gift for you . this set of bar tools has been passed down from account man to account man since the dawn of history . can you be my dad . if your mom was a secretary , theres a good chance i am . welcome home , handsome . its a rat race , but it looks like i won . oh , to the victor go the spoils . mmm . dad , you were supposed to read me a bedtime story . oh , sorry , sweetie . bart can read it to you . read to lisa . why dont you just ask me to kiss her . if you kissed her , that would be lovely . ill read . ill read . and kiss . does anyone want my opinion . please , lisa . i had martinis today . marge hello . all right , lis , lets get this stupid bedtime story over with . proceed to the page with the butterfly bookmark as i cuddle up with madam bunny . if genn i genius . is eternal pati pat eh pa tie patience . patience . get on with it . shut up . shut up . im a bad reader , okay .  . well , i could help you . i dont want your help . ill get one of those jobs where you dont need to read , like french fry maker or general . well , youre getting my help . forget it . dont you want to be able to read the things people carve into your chest in prison . i guess . close enough . but when the helpful voice was silent , the daily lesson over , the beloved presence gone , and nothing remained but loneliness and grief , then jo found her promise very hard to keep . we did it , bart . im a mentor . big deal , you taught me to read one book . no , bart , you can read other books , too . what .  . homie , what are you doing . my work is so meaningless . you make electricity . it runs the hospital . you cant touch electricity , marge , you cant feel it . thats because it would kill you . it already is killing me , marge . youre the only one i can talk to . my wife just doesnt get it . im your wife . my job is my wife , loneliness  my mistress , despair  my sex buddy . angst is a chick i met online , but then it turned out it was really a guy . im going to bed . you dont understand me . only she understands me . another round , kid . hey , uh i got here after you did . im sorry to bother you at home , mr . marlowe , but my husbands acting pretty odd  coming home late , drinking in the morning . wake me when you get to odd . hmm . i dont suppose youd consider taking your old job back so homie can go back to his old job . sorry , marge , that account job hollowed me out like a cheap chocolate bunny . ive been divorced three times , ive got a cocktail addiction , a shrimp cocktail addiction , and i cant stop bending women to my sexual will . well , you certainly wont be bending me wait , how did i end up in your bedroom . lady , i am smoother than an eisenhower era freeway . look , i came to talk about my husband , and how did we get in here . i think better in the shower . theres room in here for two . im a happily married woman . wow , no womans ever done that to me before . your husband is a lucky man . i know , and i dont want him to stray from anything except his diet , and i dont really want him to do that . marge , i made a big mistake years ago . i gave up on my family . then i gave up on my secret other family . i missed my sons graduation , my fathers funeral , and my dogs best in show . dont let homer make the mistakes i did . luann . its not what you think . its much weirder . youre reading a chapter book . for fun . bullies , to me . lets see the name of this wedgie ticket . little women . are you aware thats another way of saying girls . look , i had to read it to my sister . well , maybe we should hear a little . and then maybe youll be hearing from my sisters . your fists are sisters . yeah , poke ahontas and sock ajawea . nice save . get reading . and amy and jo hugged one another close , and everything was forgotten in one hearty kiss . end of chapter eight . you cant stop now . i want to know if their father comes home . does jo learn to handle her hasty temper . does amy get over her conceitedness . aw , come on , guys , its getting dark . okay , but you better be here tomorrow after school . cause were going to keep making you read us a lame ol girls book . bart needs to work on differentiating the character voices a little better . i know , i keep going , why is meg saying that . and then i realize its beth . thats right . receptionist your wife is here , mr . s . tell her im at a meeting , not drinking . this is a whisper amplifying intercom . homer , i want you to come with me and the kids on a family vacation . of course , of course . family is everything to us company men . now , where shall we go on your vacation . the farthest thing from this office i know rafting down rattler river canyon . thats great  let me run the numbers cause i really want the simpson account . and give these cigars to your children . dont talk to me like im a client . youre not a client , youre the client . simpson , put on your charm  their pants pants . the mumpish oafs in washington are sending their sternest band of nuclear regulators , handpicked to resist all blandishment . ill handle it , i always do . rafting , eh . its a perfect way to entertain them . finally , humanity has found a use for water . mr . burns , i cant go rafting with you because  wait a minute , could this all work . oh , no , you dont . coggily doggily . it all fits . mr . burns , rafting it is . excellent . but mr . s . you just promised this week to mrs . s . master b . and mamselles l . and m . now , relax , dottie . leave everything to me . oh , marge , this is the most romantic trip you ever nagged me into . and maybe when we get home , we can ride down something else . not sure what youre going for , but uh , marge , why dont i catch us some salmon . doh . its about time . weve been making small talk about mussolini for minutes . well , i , uh , found that contact lens i was missing . let me just screw her back in . so , everybody good . why did you get us its more fun to play with a ball of yarn if it has all the colors in it . and yarn should be allowed to marry dental floss . if youve got that , then are you sure youre martin scorsese . enjoy the outdoors , you stupid kid . this family time is so precious . got to go . homer , i want a long island ice tea , americas most complicated cocktail . homer , are you schmoozing those men . huh . um , i think were supposed to get off here . take us out first . anyone can start a family . these days no one can find a job . lets see , my family gives me love and sex . my work gives me money and sleep . hurry , were heading for the falls . my coworkers are like a family , but in some ways my family is like a family , too . for gods sakes , homer , ive given you three children . whose side are you on . yours , homie , im always on yours . how ironic . i survived the titanic by making a raft out of steerage passengers , and now this . marlowe mr . burns , your heart will go on . marlowe , i thought you retired . i cant  treasury bills are paying nothing . nothing . well , simpson , you were willing to let me go over a waterfall , but you cut operating expenses by six percent , so youre forgiven . thanks . now if youll excuse me , i dont really like bourbon or business talk , just good old simpson family fun . hey , kids , im it . aah . im okay , and i found some gold . see , luckiest man in the world . oh , im so glad youre not an accounts man anymore . yep , your worries are over . im back to being a boring old safety inspector at a nuclear power plant . shh . springfield . doh . show . in these d d t times cant get enough itchy and scratchy . and now its time for another itchy and scratchy . whos the star of this show , me or .  . when you were here before couldnt look you in the eye why is my show all cartoons .  . and all the movies theyre making fun of are over a year old . its like those parodies were written when the movies came out , but it took so long to animate them that we look dated and hacky . why cant we .  . kids , thats enough tv . maggies eye is starting to wander . mom , what are you doing .  . what a rip . no more tv . why cant we visit a real museum . one that doesnt have the skeletons of the three stooges in the lobby . we have to see the museum of tv before next wednesday when it closes forever . its closing .  . but where will people find clips of old tv shows if theyre not housed in a giant building . where . where .  . ay , caramba . hmm , theyre selling off all the old tv relics . whoa . the gun sheriff baby wore . hmm . bart . thank god i had this in my pocket . oh , my pants are splitting wide open . and people will see my tattoo of donald duck smoking a doob . that was for marges eyes only . oh , my god . fatso flanagan . whos fatso flanagan . only the funniest black and man ever . isnt that just a rip off of the honeymooners . everythings a rip off of the honeymooners . margie , youre the greatest . oh , ralph , fred , archie , king of queens , i mean homer . youll see , eunice . im gonna win the irish sweepstakes , and then im buying you a mink coat . are you getting excited . no . thats me not holding my breath . just you wait , eunice . just you wait . ka chik, , kaboom , ka splatter . see your grave there . they were so childless and miserable . woman the size s . thats when he was the funniest . how would you know . i was fatsos agent . annie dubinsky . if you ever hear a stars name and wonder , is he dead . the answer is either i represent him or yes . now , let me ask you something is there a place for an old fashioned lard ass like me on todays television . um , would you play a bloated corpse on csi . would i .  . wow , thats good bloat work . he always comes back really religious . youre killing me here with this catchy and patchy . im barely on my own show . todays kids are uncomfortable with a clown whose every reference they have to look up on wikipedia . wikipedia , twitter  who names these things . percy dovetonsils . get it . come on , he was on ernie kovacs with a smoking jacket krusty , we want to make some changes . what kind of changes . krusty , um , this is never easy , but youre fired . oh , that was easy . oh , no . my contract states theres only one way youre allowed to fire me . yep , everythings nice and legal . could this be more awkward . they took my dressing room , my parking space , even my writer , so i dont have a funny third item . but at least i got you , my agent and best friend . krustila , im gonna drop you as a friend first , so that when i drop you as a client , youll know its only business . but we shared everything . boats , girlfriends , condos . and when i finished , every one of them was spic and span . krusty , im gonna prove that its over . what . im on your garage door opener . its a smartphone , you out of hack . little help . this only shuts the door . so , what was everyones favorite moment at the museum . i liked the knowledgeable docents . i liked the early closing time . krusty . fate is so cruel . this morning i was a star , with a top agent . now im strung out in a ball pit . go away . no kid should see his hero sunk so low . well , youre not exactly my hero . i see you more as a cautionary tale . what .  . ill show you whos a cautionary tale . ill show everybody . youre not licked , krusty . people love a comeback . look at robert downey jr . mickey rourke . i dont know if i got it in me . well , people also love a quitter  sarah palin , the beatles eh , its hopeless without an agent . you need an agent . we met a ten percenter today . shell get you meetings with the eye , the peacock , the alphabet web . youll have a skein on the sked before you can say krustys wardrobe furnished by ha has of beverly hills . a new agent .  . i better freshen up . also better get back on those anti psychotic meds . oh , this is a bad sign . ive been to classier gas stations . i know that laugh . its the laugh of the most ungrateful , credit grabbing, , other peoples eating man that i ever met . i will never forgive you for what you did to me . krusty , you know her . ms . dubinsky , can you please just tell us why you hate krusty . come on in . its a long story . oh , now i hate him , too . it was the mid s . i was a virgin agent , looking for a first client or a fourth husband . and then i saw him . hey hey . scary world . they start with the a bomb, , then skip right to the h bomb . these geniuses can blow up the planet , but they dont know the alphabet . i knew he could be big . he just needed some savvy fingers to mold his clay into an ali . herschel , you killed them tonight . there wasnt a dry turtleneck in the house . but mark my words the bohemian crowd is small potatoes . youre gonna have to broaden your act if you want to play in peoria . i dont want to play in peoria . theyre always doing construction on highway . i mean , if you want to hit it big , you got to lose this stick this on and make your comedy a touch more physical . how do i do that . like so . wow . this is the best kind of comedy of all cheap . herschel , you are gonna get everything you want money and women theres only one thing i want ice for my ding dong . and you . every night , he had them rolling in the aisles , followed by a roll in the hey hey with me . this is the part where i get the kids out of the room . oh , grow up . todays kids are less sensitive than an army condom . they see more on tv than my mother did on her wedding night . and they dont complain about it for the next years . i got big plans for us , krusty . this is just the beginning . actually , sweetheart , its the end . im leaving you for ron rabinowitz at united parasites . you waited until now to tell me that .  . i can only tell the truth right after sex . but all during sex i was thinking it . get out . you ungrateful pig . i made you . deep down , im doing this to get back at my father . dont blame this on me . your childhood was heaven . i was so mad at him i didnt have sex with a clown for five months . what about mimes . come on . im not made of stone . annie , would you ever consider taking krusty back as a client . no . absolutely not . trust with me is like a candle . when you blow it out , its gone for good . what about a comedy candle . you know , that relights itself . i dont find those funny , just frustrating . theyre pretty funny . once , i used one on milhouse . he was wishing for his parents to get back together , but the flame never went out . good one , boy . annie , im down on my rebuilt knee . cant you forgive me . please . for the sake of me getting what i want . fine . but no nonsense . except , of course , during working hours , then its all nonsense . great . so were booked for three weeks in june at the springfield playhouse . i promise you krusty will show up on time or sober . yeah , thats right , i said or . let me get this straight you want me to do my kids show for adults . theyre gonna want f bombs and all i can give em is ca ca and ta tas . krusty , there is nothing people love more than the things they loved when they were kids . so you re create your show for adults . it worked like magic for pee wee herman after his setback . what did he get in trouble for . thats all .  . i did that while you were on the phone . you know , im a little nervous about doing live theater again . come on . didnt you do your tv show in front of an audience for years . yeah , but they were kids and we gave em candy if they laughed . and if they didnt , until the s , i hit em with a stick . some jerk tracked down the kids and made a documentary . its called circus of shame or something . and now , lets welcome a man the spanish call seor no fun krusty the clown . hey hey, , kids . all hey hey, , krusty . who here likes nostalgia . everythings perfect about the past except how it led to the present . then welcome back the original tick tock the clock . would that i could turn back time and never play this career killing role . oh , looks like tick tock is telling us its time for all whats in krustys pocket .  . mmm . ah . ive pulled out everything but my little krusty . aw , what the heck . oh , that was great , man . i feel like im ten again . everything i loved as a kid and hated as a teenager i love as an adult . no one knows better than me that its here today , gone tomorrow . but im here today . thanks to you , honey . both mmm mwa . uh , um , sorry this one , i think , is mine . yeah , ill take that ill , give me that one . well , that looks better on you , honey . yeah . no , it screams you . lets just keep smooching till everything sorts itself out . mmm im done . krusty , youre getting the best reviews of your career . yep . im back on top . and this time im not blowing it on cocaine for my horses . they start well , then they get paranoid around the third turn . and youll have plenty to invest . the networks have come crawling . which ones . telebozo . shtick at nite . e . s . p . u .  . better , baby . our premium cable network is a little different from what youre used to . our brand is classy and upscale . and we pay for everything with soft porno and boxing . wait a minute . theres soft porno . and here you dont have to worry about budgets , and the critics are in our pocket . en the boston phoenix . if not , well burn it to the ground . and that will be the end of that phoenix . all good . i just have one non negotiable demand this brass begonia here is my producer now until the end of time . really . yep . and you know that anything said at a network pitch meeting can be taken to the bank . krusty , my man , you finally hit it big . you said it . the entourage actors are now my interns . i got your coffees , mr . k .  . too hot . too cold . genius . no , . what , are you crazy .  . you cant put a green wall behind a clown with green hair . beloved entertainer sad old man . beloved entertainer sad old man . he aint changing , so everything else in the world has to . annie , its your first day on the set . scream something nice . krusty , i am here to serve you and no one else . nice gets booked at birthday parties . hey , birthday parties got me through some tough times . for years i lived on piata candy . yeah . well , from now on the only birthday parties you are gonna do are for the insane sons of rich middle eastern dictators . your going rate is barrels of oil . whoa , thats beyonc volume . wait one hairy , banana peeling, , scene stealing minute here . wha . whatd i do . whose show is this . huh . huh .  . whose name is on that sign .  . yeah , thats right , little buddy boy . krusty . krusty . and dont you ever upstage him or craft service will be serving chimp tacos . yeah , id like to squeeze a lime on that . now apologize to krusty . not so hard . shell know we have a past . whats going on , yanking me out of my schvitz .  . i look like an unwrapped mummy . oh . idea for sketch rapping mummy . notorious t u . it writes itself . find someone to write it . wheres annie . annie is what we need to discuss . shes out of control . she called a network vice president unhip . and he reads gq and hes straight . and recently we had this incident . wait . what are you doing .  . she claimed this intern sharpened her pencil too pointy . oh , i see whats going on here if a woman does it , shes a bitch . but in a man , those traits would be considered uh oh . that hallway looks familiar . im only getting college credit for this . my legs . wow , i cant believe were in the audience of a pay cable show . and now , ladies and gentlemen , krustys favorite part of the taping talking to the audience before the show . hey how . and now the clown that never lets you down krusty the clown . hey , premium cable subscribers . tonight weve got the cast of the hit boardwalk vampire . weve also got janeane garofolo . wait a minute . we have very specific language in our contract saying no guests who are funnier than krusty . janeane has promised to be strictly angry and polemical . and ill keep my promise , like obama did with guantanamo . oh . thats funnier than i can ever hope to be . sorry , janeane . grab some shrimp and go . you can fill your stupid beret once . burn on you . i brought my expandable beret . krusty , this is exactly the kind of meddling that only were allowed to do . fire her as we discussed . dont make us threaten you . krusty .  . what did you tell them . oh , i , did that laugh that people interpret any way they want . i thought that laugh meant i love you . it can well , theres no room for waffling anymore . youre with me forever or never . which is it . what , uh , when you said im paying extra for this channel . hasnt been good since the wire . ah , who am i kidding . i never watched the wire . had to bluff my way through so many conversations . well , annie , i think you know my answer . wow , krusty , adjusting for age , that was amazing . hey , . and the best thing is i kept my word and i got a new show . sex over the mechanics of the impossible . take two . is it over . can i open my eyes . hey , come on , wake up . shh . oh , grow up . springfield . doh . mmm . ill never eat turkey again . marge , we got any ham .  . i hereby declare thanksgiving dinner officially over which means its the start of christmas season which means all christmas card photos .  . yep . im santa . oh , now ill never die . cant we just send out a picture of the pets dressed like reindeer . we tried that last year . homer doh . who cares what we look like in whatever stupid year this is . youll understand one day when you have kids of your own . um , who says were gonna have kids of our own . not me , man . this cycle of jerks has to end . are we done yet . its a wonderful life is about to start . i wonder what my life would have been like if id never seen that movie . just look happy . just hear those sleigh bells jingling come on , its lovely weather for a sleigh ride together with you ring aling , ding , dong , ding outside the snow is falling and friends are calling , yoo hoo ring aling , ding , dong , ding come on , its lovely weather for a sleigh ride together with you ring aling , ding , dong , ding ring aling , ding , dong , ding ring aling , ding , dong , ding ring aling , ding , dong , ding our cheeks are nice and rosy and comfy and cozy are we ring aling , ding , dong , ding well snuggle up together like two birds of a feather would be ring aling , ding , dong , ding lets take that road before us and sing a chorus or two ring aling , ding , dong , ding . they fight and fight they fight and fight the itchy and scratchy itchy and scratchy show . fight , nah . youre two weeks late on the rent , bart . not to mention that geography report from years ago . dont worry . i got some buyers coming over to look at my good kidney . they grow back , right . just get me that rent or youll be expelled . you mean evicted . computer voice transporter engaged oh . now what . boy mom , dont make us go to dads . boy it smells like dog , but theres no dog . you know , i can hear everything you say during cross phase . what are you doing here . mom says you have to watch us over the holidays . she says youre our dad and you need to act like it . christmas with you is gonna suck . youre wrong . this is gonna be your best christmas ever . really . yeah . give me some credit . ill just dump em at my moms . you know , we can hear thoughts now . damn it . lis , im afraid my seasonal allergies are kicking in . oh , you poor thing . this is a tough time of year for someone whos allergic to holly , mistletoe , the red part of candy canes . i cant believe we put a man on the sun , but we cant stop my sneezing . hi , zia . how did you do on your math test . gee , im fine , mom . thanks for asking . im going online . uh . how did my daughter turn into my brother . dont blame me . when we had her , they used only the best genetic material , which meant none of mine . you parked the car . that helped . i guess . maybe my mom would have some ideas . why dont you take zia to your parents for christmas while i nurse my allergies in one of the non christmas celebrating states . you could go back to michigan . its still under sharia law . yeah , but they always make me wear a veil . everything looks great , maggie , but until this baby comes , i dont want you to make a sound . but shes our lead singer , mate . im sorry , but recent research has shown that the umbilical cord is also a vocal cord . now can you tell me who the father is . all mmm we will not . now if you dont mind , id like to watch a football match . computer voice i see you are reading a childrens book , yet your profile indicates you are a mature adult . is there an error . shut up . oh , marge , how would you like some future sex . why do you say future . this is now . i meant a week from tomorrow . thats when the new penis gets here . i just a got a message from maggie in my brain . oh , a b mail . shes coming home for christmas . and barts bringing the boys . and lisas coming with zia . for once , the whole familys going to be here for the holidays . hey , i got a b mail, , too . you have won a valuable prize . open now . dont open it , homie . its a virus . too late . i santa ho . wow , dad , thats really impressive . yeah , after i stopped drinking , this was a way to stay close to my bottles . id smash em all for one lousy beer . oh , man , i cant believe they still havent figured out a away to detangle christmas lights . moms boyfriend is good at detangling them . well , maybe mom should marry him . she did . we werent supposed to tell you . your mother remarried . hey , grampa , you gonna build a snowman . no , i just like to dress up to eat my carrots and smoke . dad , can you take the boys out for a while . i dont feel so good . thanks for spending so much time with us , dad . who wants to go the park and ride the merry go . i do , i do . me , . i cant believe she got married and i have no one . its so hard to find somebody new . sure is . thats why after homer accidentally killed edna , i married maudes ghost . there is no god , neddy . its just an empty meaningless void . isnt she pretty . oh , maam , you really shouldnt teleport when youre pregnant . im afraid your only choice is air travel . flight attendant over p . a . if you are seated in an exit row , please hold the door shut for the duration of the flight . want to go to a concert tonight . cher is playing . sure , id love to only not with you and not that . sometimes i wish strangling your kid was still legal . not since they passed homers law . oh , honey , why dont you just relax and bake something . ugh . i am trying to deal with my disrespectful daughter , but you are too clueless to understand what thats like . uh huh . oi . can i get a pillow for my head . suicide pills . mohawk gel . turkey and brie wrap . do you have any dog food left . oh , could i have the whole can . hey , sweetie . marge said there was some family tension . and at christmas , of all times . my daughter thinks im a ruthless tyrant , like hitler or prince harry . bloody harry . he brought back beheading in a big way . now im gonna show these boys downtown springfield . oh , isnt that a little dangerous . oh , dont worry . i have my invisibility cloak . now , where did i put it . oh . its against the law it was against the law what the mama saw it was against the law help me , my children . what are you after . were a cashless society . the papa said , oy , if i get that boy im gonna stick him in the house of detention well , im on my way i dont know where im going release the hounds . im on my way oh , were almost at evergreen terrace , miss . hey , didnt i go to jail with your brother . contractions . computer , hospital . well , looks like im gonna have to do this the old fashioned way . gloves , hospital . hey , lis . want to come up . eh , why not . should i have married nelson . cause we still talk on the phone . nelson calls you . well someone calls someone . the boys think im a lousy father . oh , poor bart . my daughter thinks im a lousy mother . sorry . eh , its okay . but you know who took her side . marge bouvier simpson . whatd she do . she told me to relax and bake cookies . did you bake any . yes , i did . and they were some of the best cookies ever made in this house . but that is not the point . well , mom kept her hands off you and you turned out great . you think so . maybe its the court mandated sincerity chip i got in my brain , but , lis , youre the person i always wanted to be . aw i gotta reconnect with those boys . godspeed , bart . im going to go apologize to mom . how do i get down . our consciousness was a secret for thousands of years . then one pine tree had to open his sappy mouth . back in position . mom , youre the best . oh , sweetie . ive been waiting to hear you say that for so long . oh , you could have waited till morning . mmm hey , guys . want to watch krusty . whos krusty . only the funniest man in the world . ive never let go of my fax machine . dont ask me why . i like the sound of a fax coming through . especially if its a nice deli menu . i miss eating . im sorry , but theres no room at the in patient facility . lady , this is maggie simpson . she just played a sold out show in beijing . hmm . a star in the east let me see . we do have a little room in the manger . i mean , mangier wing . merry christmas eve . where are the kids . i know where mine is . and im going to take a page out of your playbook , and let it slide . wheres dad . he took the boys out . how could he be such a cool grandfather when hes such a lousy father . people learn from their mistakes . and your father made so many mistakes . and now patty and selma are here to help us decorate with their new lovebots . make me a bloody mary , dollface . no , selma . even a robot built only to love you cannot love you . i am leaving with your sisters concu droid . should we start an epidural . now , nurse , you know we found something much more effective . oh , its so good to meet the octuplets . oh . i just got a b mail from maggie . shes gone into labor . oh , another grandchild . how special . careful how you shut the door . it upsets the children . oh , sanjay , how i wish that runaway jerky wagon killed me instead of you . oh , i miss you , too , brother . hands off , hands off . aw , screw it . sometimes a mothers job is to butt in . lisa . butt out . this is it  im going into the ultranet to save my daughter . male voice lisa simpson , the following people want to friend you . ignore . ignore . ignore . oh , martin prince is now marcia princess . no , ive got to find zia . nelson hey , lis . is your marriage still dead and unfulfilled . not a good time . you know were destined to aah . now , where is the google door . oh , right . its dr . seusss birthday . google , even though youve enslaved half the world , youre still a damn fine search engine . bingo . argh . i open this door , and i go from being one kind of mother to another . hmm dad , where did you take my boys . oh , its chief wiggum . hi , bart . hey , ralph . i heard you died . i got cloneded . all right , buddy , whats the hurry . that ralph was stupid . wow , this place hasnt changed a bit . yeah , i keep meaning to switch things around , but this place is always a crime scene . was my dad here . uh , yeah , since he dont drink , he just comes here to see lenny and carl . hey , lenny . im carl . dont you remember . you came to the brain switching ceremony . right . what was the point again . because i wanted to get back together with my wife who was sleeping with carl at the time . turns out she had switched brains with a monkey on a japanese game show . and it just got weirder from there . eh , i found it quite normal . anyway , if youre looking for your dad , he took the kids to see his dad . thanks . hey , moe , get me another beer . quit making me fat . im glad youre here , marge . theyre two minutes apart . the contractions . no , my bills . mm mom . why are you here . i was worried . i thought i would find what , me flashing my boobs on unripemelons . com . what . no . it doesnt matter what i thought . im sorry i spied on you . but what i found is , my daughter looks up to me . well , of course i do . i look up to both my parents . could somebody fedex me a prayer mat . and quick . but i especially look up to you . mm this is where my father is . he froze himself because he was sick and there was no cure . are they working on one . oh , they found it  but dont tell him . this is way cheaper than a nursing home . aah . what the heck . dad , these are your great grandsons . eh , i dont see whats great about em . and , homer , youre still a big disappointment , because see you next christmas . why did you bring us here , homer . to prove a point everyone thinks their dads a jerk , and everyones right , but when you get older , you realize how much you love him . your dad may be a little immature , but i know he loves you . so you ought to give him a chance . oh . boys i have acted like a ten year for the last years , and i swear to you , i will grow up and act like a the way a divorced youre gonna have to do better than that . boys , im a deadbeat dad , i live in a school , its christmas . the only thing worth anything in my life is you . oh , dad . youve taught us the meaning of christmas , which schools are forbidden to tell us anymore . mmm is it snowing down here . no , one of the freezers is busted . if those kids can forgive that train wreck of a father , then maybe i can forgive you quit drinking like a coward . the one thing you were good at , and mm . oh lawn chair breakin hair losing marge lovin barometer droppin father freezin but youd always come and get me when i wandered out on the freeway . cause deep down , you couldnt bear to see me smushed . oh , i love you , dad . santa ho everyone . its a girl . so , whos the father . eh , it doesnt matter . if theres one day a year to give unwed mothers a break , its christmas . okay , everyone , smile while the pets take our picture . hmm , funny how they evolved and we didnt . shh . springfield . doh . hmm . uh . mom . next . finally . the only thing i wait in lines this long for are slightly better cell phones . why do we even have to go to this stupid wedding . cousin kathy invited us so our feelings wouldnt be hurt . and were going so her feelings wont be hurt . i just dont understand the world of grown ups . sorry , sir , your bag is two pounds over the limit . are you sure everything inside is essential . absolutely . let me just redistribute our thingies amongst our various bags . high school yearbooks i told you not to pack them . dont argue in front of the airport line . strangers are judging our marriage . lisa , do you really need all these kurt vonnegut novels . they self reference each other . marge , do we really need all these feminine products . thats toothpaste . yes , but i never use that kind of toothpaste . try to catch one on your tongue . lisa were not with him . well need to have a special agent check this out . youre clear . now i have to change the nipple . true patriots breastfeed . sir , youve been selected for a pat down . whoo hoo . can you focus on my shoulders . thats where i carry my stress . now , if i fart , thats cause im so relaxed . sir , there isnt enough room . yes , there is . homer whoo hoo . welcome to flight to bozeman , montana by way of miami . due to an unforeseen jailbreak in new south wales , our takeoff is going to be just a little bit delayed . so , were going to be turning off the air , but ethnic people are permitted to open and eat their home cooked food . homer huh . what the . crazy food indeed , my friend . captain good news , folks . weve been cleared to taxi back to the terminal . you still cant get off , but you will be able to look through the window and see other people walking around and making fun of us . no word on takeoff . sir , return to your seat . but i have to go to the bathroom . you should have thought of that before you drank the fluids you need to live . dont tread on pee . we probably have rights . yeah . airlines dont treat people like people anymore . you make us beg for a filthy pillow that a barnyard rat wouldnt curl up and die in . and watch pre taped messages that make crashing look like fun . never putting me next to a pretty girl . were going to need the air marshal . now youve done it . i need backup . come on , ladies . youre all deputies now . look , all i want is what everybody wants preferential treatment . you can check my carry on, , but you cant check my spirit . and why is there moisture between the windows . and dont wake me up to land . just land . i regret nothing . except this part . this is the last airline that would take us . looks like were back to traveling on tramp steamers and produce trucks . i call shotgun . its too early to call shotgun . its never too early to call shotgun . no ones shotgun . now , be quiet . im still going to make my flight , right . cause , if not , you have to put me up in a first class hotel . thats how it works . i fatso goes nutso . and post to youtube with the following key words fat , stupid , classic simpsons , and just to be safe , baby rides kitten rides penguin . perfect . you can check my carry on, , but you cant check my spirit . and why is there moisture between the windows . and dont wake me up to land . just land . a six pack of duff , please . oh , yes , mr . homer . what gave me away . well , the hot dogs spin counterclockwise in fear whenever you are near , sir . uh , why are you in disguise . because of that dumb viral video with million hits , i cant go out in public . hey , its the guy from the plane . hey , way to go . wha . you said what we all think , but dont have the bones to say . when i heard homer speak , i no longer felt small . they love me . the quiet homer simpson that kept it all bottled up inside is dead . this is the birth of homer simpson , blowhard . im on the roll of my life . give me a scratcher . give me another one . almost a winner . announcer head butt with nash castor . im nash castor . coming up , we butt heads with ron paul , rand paul , ryan and mitt the wonder romney . but first , were here with this guy my kid said was a thing homer simpson . whoo hoo . im famous again . yes , your video has been mashed up, , auto tuned, , jimmy falloned , philippine prisonered , and occasionally even watched . ha . but can you save america from its last savior . adriatica veljohnson . nash , in this kicked in world , what we dont need is another blustering bloat bag who claims to speak for bubba and britney spray cheese . thats really smart . thats like something i would say . precisely , nash . thats a great point , adriatica . well , if i could explain myself head butt . well be right back after this . come here , you . homie , you can win this argument . just rant and rave like you do to the tv during sports . yes . yes . got it . director uh , five seconds to air . and were back with homer simpson , whos about to become a soggy pamper flung to the side of historys freeway in three , two not so fast . now , i may not be some mani pedied tv blowhard , but i do speak for the common man who does his lousy job , goes to church twice a year and watches womens tennis cause he likes to hear them grunt . i bet chuck the cameraman and steve the sound guy know where im coming from . yeah , thats what im talking about . those real people out there who buy their coffee from the mini mart and grab enough sugar packs for a week . honest , hardworking , sugar stealing americans . director cut . nash , im scared . find me a rich husband  quick . dad , you out talked the talking heads . from now on , when someone asks me , im going to say you are my father . aw , son . now i regret bad mouthing you to that girl you liked . homer , the way you just demolished our number one on air personality was fantastic . you are the kind of ill informed gasbag this network cannot get enough of . we only have now . not to mention our liberal straw man . oh , the plain and simple facts is id love to raise your taxes and make your children gay but what we dont have is someone who speaks to the average american . your flyover franks , your dirt bike daryls . how can you refer to your audience that way . well , what you do is take a derogatory term and think of other words that start with the same letter . hmm . homer , youre getting your own show . finally . but i want to do it my way classy and sophisticated . welcome to gut check with homer simpson . where the truth is served with a side of in your face . i am homer simpson . americas latest teller of truth with a book deal on the side . audio book read by lenny . im not just another loudmouth . im a loudmouth who says things youre afraid to say , but not racist things . lets go to the map . zoomy , . dateline nebraska . a high school principal has decided that football is too dangerous , so hes replacing it with soccer . are you ready for irish announcers with lyrical accents . oh , thats a lovely touch . oh , such a beautiful form . if we lose football , we lose the blitz , cheerleaders , rudys , ochocincos , something for fat kids to play . ochocincos . oh , yeah , thats right . its already happening , people . hoard your toilet paper . shoot the mailman . shoot the mailman . is it a little weird how much he cries . no way . when a guy who loves america cries , it makes him super straight . this is going so great . im already a halloween mask . thats not you . they just painted shrek yellow . its still a great honor . dad , im glad your show is successful , but i have to ask you whats with the crying . great question . i know you children have never seen your father cry before . marge , do we have any more gravy . no , were out . why . oh , why .  . homie , im glad youre passionate , i just hope youre not riling people up with your show . oh , marge , dont worry . people know im doing a character , like stephen colbert or newt gingrich . welcome back to gut check . i have something very , pro american to share with you . come with me . doh . death to america . i mean , over here . you all know im a big fan of american meat . although , sometimes you got to cut off some of the gristle . take that , centers of art and commerce . and this country has something extra that makes our meat the juiciest , most melt in , stay in meat in the world . thats right , im talking about the gravy of freedom . when march madness spills into april , thats the gravy . when someone messes with you , and you invade the country that did it plus another one , thats the gravy . when you stick your flag in the moon and say now were done trying , thats the gravy . so get on the boat . the gravy boat . good night and good gravy . great show , people . great show . um . not a big deal , but next time , can we use real gravy instead of brown paint . not a big deal . so , whats this with the gravy boat . just an innocuous little symbol , like a smiley face or like an i . o . u . you know , symbols can often rile people up . the swastika , the new york yankees logo . oh . dont worry , sweetie . i think i know how to whip up an audience just short of a frenzy . why did i make this a loss leader . the gravy boat movement is spreading across the nation like a rumor about some kid and someones mom hooking up at a high school . with the presidential primaries coming up and an entrenched incumbent in office , republican leaders have no choice but to court this movements inglorious baster , homer simpson . marge , im going to meet with the republican establishment and pick their nominee . if theres sandwiches there , you want me to bring some back . speaking for lisa and me , were not really then what percent above are you behind me . um , none . only .  . homie , i love you , and im glad were finally using our wedding china , but when youre helping to pick the next leader of the free world dad , you shouldnt do this . its not fair how much influence you have . now , lisa , im an entertainer . and you cant entertain and inform at the same time . and if youre access hollywood , you do neither . hmm . hmm . now , theyre all excellent choices , so simply pick the white male candidate you prefer and well elect him . i dont know . cant we get chris christie to run . i dont think so . save me , obamacare . yeah , maybe ill vote democrat . the great thing is , when they get in , they act like republicans . man no ones voting democrat while i can still draw a bow . ted nugent . i made love on my honeymoon to your sweet music . youre my man . youre endorsing ted nugent for president . hes a right wing rock star who likes everything i hate . could there be anyone awesomer . whos hungry for elk . hmm . my daughters a vegetarian . thats all right , she can munch on an antler . antlers aint meat . i thought i smelled death a . what is that , an eight pointer . from the looks of that moustache , im guessing youre a tenured professor at the peoples republic of berkeley . hey , the only left wing thing about me is the way i write . oh , thats just fine , as long as youre not a mormon . dad , you cannot endorse ted nugent . i mean , sure , we all love his music oh , yeah . no question about it . i love that guy . we listen to it . but hes out of his mind . he cant run for president . i bagged me a fat little badger . please , kind sir , have pity . all i hear is chitter chitter . man arise , homer simpson . huh . whos there . mozart . i am james madison , sir . fourth president of these united states . oh . now , come , and i shall teach you of democracy . can we get some pizza on the way . everythings closed . they sell some at the gas station . i dont want gas station pizza . so , how come your pictures not on money . actually , im on the bill . do you give them out for fans . cause im a fan . i want to show you something . whats this . some kind of bicentennial lemon party . these are the framers of the constitution , homer . this great nation is built upon the hard work of , well , as you would say , nerds . nerds . you want i should mess them up . i want you should not mess . you are an embarrassment to the aristocratic slaveholders who forged this mighty nation . but gravy is the freedom where silence . founding fathers , to me . congress shall have the power to lay and collect taxes .  . no new states shall be formed or erected within the jurisdiction of any other state .  . no , john hancock . i dont need insurance . sam adams , im sorry i made fun of your winter ale . homie , wake up . it was all a dream . oh , marge , oscar madison came to me and told me that politics are serious and important . lisa , you were right . im not going to endorse anybody for anything . oh , dad . im so glad youve heard the voice of reason . yes , the will of the people should not be subverted by demagogues who  hey , whats this . springfield colonial village . what the . you faked it . lisa , how could you . it wasnt just her , homie . it was all of us . i did it just to mess with your mind . thats what a play within a play is for . no strangling on school days . well , if theres one thing i dont like being taught , its a lesson . im so mad . not only will i endorse ted nugent , but i will call for an end to the direct election of senators . dad , no . really . that made sense . then im definitely doing it . folks , because i love democracy so much , i command you to vote for this man whom i alone have selected as your next president . now to baptize his candidacy with my tears . the words strutting stadium rocker are overused these days , but when i first met ted nugent uh , huh . my emotions were so powerful . come on , hurry up and cry so i can get elected and open up the san diego zoo for big game hunting . its not working . but why . maybe because , deep down , you know you dont believe in what youre doing . oh , my god , shes right . my lips will say anything , but my eyes know the truth . my ears are keeping their mouth shut . my fellow americans , i am full of crap . i knew you were , dad . i always knew . well , for one brief , glorious moment , i was almost president , sort of , not really . now , let me just play a sweet song that ill never hear . hail to me im the presidential gonzo hunt with a bow cause its silent like the night eat mooses raw so their souls go into my soul ill move the white house to kalamazoo . ted there is a new national anthem that is sweeping the land and it was written by me and it popped into my head while i was washing my dog suck on that , francis scott key oh , i got a good song fever ted nugent fever homer something , fever ted sing it , homer . homer i got this song fever tedhomer we got america fever we got america fever ted u . s . of a . homer u . s . of a . homer great song , ted . whens our next gig . are we going to new york or . shh . homer oh springfield . springfield . doh . hmm . uh . mom . next . finally . the only thing i wait in lines this long for are slightly better cell phones . why do we even have to go to this stupid wedding . cousin kathy invited us so our feelings wouldnt be hurt . and were going so her feelings wont be hurt . i just dont understand the world of grown ups . sorry , sir , your bag is two pounds over the limit . are you sure everything inside is essential . absolutely . let me just redistribute our thingies amongst our various bags . high school yearbooks i told you not to pack them . dont argue in front of the airport line . strangers are judging our marriage . lisa , do you really need all these kurt vonnegut novels . they self reference each other . marge , do we really need all these feminine products . thats toothpaste . yes , but i never use that kind of toothpaste . try to catch one on your tongue . lisa were not with him . well need to have a special agent check this out . youre clear . now i have to change the nipple . true patriots breastfeed . sir , youve been selected for a pat down . whoo hoo . can you focus on my shoulders . thats where i carry my stress . now , if i fart , thats cause im so relaxed . sir , there isnt enough room . yes , there is . homer whoo hoo . welcome to flight to bozeman , montana by way of miami . due to an unforeseen jailbreak in new south wales , our takeoff is going to be just a little bit delayed . so , were going to be turning off the air , but ethnic people are permitted to open and eat their home cooked food . homer huh . what the . crazy food indeed , my friend . captain good news , folks . weve been cleared to taxi back to the terminal . you still cant get off , but you will be able to look through the window and see other people walking around and making fun of us . no word on takeoff . sir , return to your seat . but i have to go to the bathroom . you should have thought of that before you drank the fluids you need to live . dont tread on pee . we probably have rights . yeah . airlines dont treat people like people anymore . you make us beg for a filthy pillow that a barnyard rat wouldnt curl up and die in . and watch pre taped messages that make crashing look like fun . never putting me next to a pretty girl . were going to need the air marshal . now youve done it . i need backup . come on , ladies . youre all deputies now . look , all i want is what everybody wants preferential treatment . you can check my carry on, , but you cant check my spirit . and why is there moisture between the windows . and dont wake me up to land . just land . i regret nothing . except this part . this is the last airline that would take us . looks like were back to traveling on tramp steamers and produce trucks . i call shotgun . its too early to call shotgun . its never too early to call shotgun . no ones shotgun . now , be quiet . im still going to make my flight , right . cause , if not , you have to put me up in a first class hotel . thats how it works . i fatso goes nutso . and post to youtube with the following key words fat , stupid , classic simpsons , and just to be safe , baby rides kitten rides penguin . perfect . you can check my carry on, , but you cant check my spirit . and why is there moisture between the windows . and dont wake me up to land . just land . a six pack of duff , please . oh , yes , mr . homer . what gave me away . well , the hot dogs spin counterclockwise in fear whenever you are near , sir . uh , why are you in disguise . because of that dumb viral video with million hits , i cant go out in public . hey , its the guy from the plane . hey , way to go . wha . you said what we all think , but dont have the bones to say . when i heard homer speak , i no longer felt small . they love me . the quiet homer simpson that kept it all bottled up inside is dead . this is the birth of homer simpson , blowhard . im on the roll of my life . give me a scratcher . give me another one . almost a winner . announcer head butt with nash castor . im nash castor . coming up , we butt heads with ron paul , rand paul , ryan and mitt the wonder romney . but first , were here with this guy my kid said was a thing homer simpson . whoo hoo . im famous again . yes , your video has been mashed up, , auto tuned, , jimmy falloned , philippine prisonered , and occasionally even watched . ha . but can you save america from its last savior . adriatica veljohnson . nash , in this kicked in world , what we dont need is another blustering bloat bag who claims to speak for bubba and britney spray cheese . thats really smart . thats like something i would say . precisely , nash . thats a great point , adriatica . well , if i could explain myself head butt . well be right back after this . come here , you . homie , you can win this argument . just rant and rave like you do to the tv during sports . yes . yes . got it . director uh , five seconds to air . and were back with homer simpson , whos about to become a soggy pamper flung to the side of historys freeway in three , two not so fast . now , i may not be some mani pedied tv blowhard , but i do speak for the common man who does his lousy job , goes to church twice a year and watches womens tennis cause he likes to hear them grunt . i bet chuck the cameraman and steve the sound guy know where im coming from . yeah , thats what im talking about . those real people out there who buy their coffee from the mini mart and grab enough sugar packs for a week . honest , hardworking , sugar stealing americans . director cut . nash , im scared . find me a rich husband  quick . dad , you out talked the talking heads . from now on , when someone asks me , im going to say you are my father . aw , son . now i regret bad mouthing you to that girl you liked . homer , the way you just demolished our number one on air personality was fantastic . you are the kind of ill informed gasbag this network cannot get enough of . we only have now . not to mention our liberal straw man . oh , the plain and simple facts is id love to raise your taxes and make your children gay but what we dont have is someone who speaks to the average american . your flyover franks , your dirt bike daryls . how can you refer to your audience that way . well , what you do is take a derogatory term and think of other words that start with the same letter . hmm . homer , youre getting your own show . finally . but i want to do it my way classy and sophisticated . welcome to gut check with homer simpson . where the truth is served with a side of in your face . i am homer simpson . americas latest teller of truth with a book deal on the side . audio book read by lenny . im not just another loudmouth . im a loudmouth who says things youre afraid to say , but not racist things . lets go to the map . zoomy , . dateline nebraska . a high school principal has decided that football is too dangerous , so hes replacing it with soccer . are you ready for irish announcers with lyrical accents . oh , thats a lovely touch . oh , such a beautiful form . if we lose football , we lose the blitz , cheerleaders , rudys , ochocincos , something for fat kids to play . ochocincos . oh , yeah , thats right . its already happening , people . hoard your toilet paper . shoot the mailman . shoot the mailman . is it a little weird how much he cries . no way . when a guy who loves america cries , it makes him super straight . this is going so great . im already a halloween mask . thats not you . they just painted shrek yellow . its still a great honor . dad , im glad your show is successful , but i have to ask you whats with the crying . great question . i know you children have never seen your father cry before . marge , do we have any more gravy . no , were out . why . oh , why .  . homie , im glad youre passionate , i just hope youre not riling people up with your show . oh , marge , dont worry . people know im doing a character , like stephen colbert or newt gingrich . welcome back to gut check . i have something very , pro american to share with you . come with me . doh . death to america . i mean , over here . you all know im a big fan of american meat . although , sometimes you got to cut off some of the gristle . take that , centers of art and commerce . and this country has something extra that makes our meat the juiciest , most melt in , stay in meat in the world . thats right , im talking about the gravy of freedom . when march madness spills into april , thats the gravy . when someone messes with you , and you invade the country that did it plus another one , thats the gravy . when you stick your flag in the moon and say now were done trying , thats the gravy . so get on the boat . the gravy boat . good night and good gravy . great show , people . great show . um . not a big deal , but next time , can we use real gravy instead of brown paint . not a big deal . so , whats this with the gravy boat . just an innocuous little symbol , like a smiley face or like an i . o . u . you know , symbols can often rile people up . the swastika , the new york yankees logo . oh . dont worry , sweetie . i think i know how to whip up an audience just short of a frenzy . why did i make this a loss leader . the gravy boat movement is spreading across the nation like a rumor about some kid and someones mom hooking up at a high school . with the presidential primaries coming up and an entrenched incumbent in office , republican leaders have no choice but to court this movements inglorious baster , homer simpson . marge , im going to meet with the republican establishment and pick their nominee . if theres sandwiches there , you want me to bring some back . speaking for lisa and me , were not really then what percent above are you behind me . um , none . only .  . homie , i love you , and im glad were finally using our wedding china , but when youre helping to pick the next leader of the free world dad , you shouldnt do this . its not fair how much influence you have . now , lisa , im an entertainer . and you cant entertain and inform at the same time . and if youre access hollywood , you do neither . hmm . hmm . now , theyre all excellent choices , so simply pick the white male candidate you prefer and well elect him . i dont know . cant we get chris christie to run . i dont think so . save me , obamacare . yeah , maybe ill vote democrat . the great thing is , when they get in , they act like republicans . man no ones voting democrat while i can still draw a bow . ted nugent . i made love on my honeymoon to your sweet music . youre my man . youre endorsing ted nugent for president . hes a right wing rock star who likes everything i hate . could there be anyone awesomer . whos hungry for elk . hmm . my daughters a vegetarian . thats all right , she can munch on an antler . antlers aint meat . i thought i smelled death a . what is that , an eight pointer . from the looks of that moustache , im guessing youre a tenured professor at the peoples republic of berkeley . hey , the only left wing thing about me is the way i write . oh , thats just fine , as long as youre not a mormon . dad , you cannot endorse ted nugent . i mean , sure , we all love his music oh , yeah . no question about it . i love that guy . we listen to it . but hes out of his mind . he cant run for president . i bagged me a fat little badger . please , kind sir , have pity . all i hear is chitter chitter . man arise , homer simpson . huh . whos there . mozart . i am james madison , sir . fourth president of these united states . oh . now , come , and i shall teach you of democracy . can we get some pizza on the way . everythings closed . they sell some at the gas station . i dont want gas station pizza . so , how come your pictures not on money . actually , im on the bill . do you give them out for fans . cause im a fan . i want to show you something . whats this . some kind of bicentennial lemon party . these are the framers of the constitution , homer . this great nation is built upon the hard work of , well , as you would say , nerds . nerds . you want i should mess them up . i want you should not mess . you are an embarrassment to the aristocratic slaveholders who forged this mighty nation . but gravy is the freedom where silence . founding fathers , to me . congress shall have the power to lay and collect taxes .  . no new states shall be formed or erected within the jurisdiction of any other state .  . no , john hancock . i dont need insurance . sam adams , im sorry i made fun of your winter ale . homie , wake up . it was all a dream . oh , marge , oscar madison came to me and told me that politics are serious and important . lisa , you were right . im not going to endorse anybody for anything . oh , dad . im so glad youve heard the voice of reason . yes , the will of the people should not be subverted by demagogues who  hey , whats this . springfield colonial village . what the . you faked it . lisa , how could you . it wasnt just her , homie . it was all of us . i did it just to mess with your mind . thats what a play within a play is for . no strangling on school days . well , if theres one thing i dont like being taught , its a lesson . im so mad . not only will i endorse ted nugent , but i will call for an end to the direct election of senators . dad , no . really . that made sense . then im definitely doing it . folks , because i love democracy so much , i command you to vote for this man whom i alone have selected as your next president . now to baptize his candidacy with my tears . the words strutting stadium rocker are overused these days , but when i first met ted nugent uh , huh . my emotions were so powerful . come on , hurry up and cry so i can get elected and open up the san diego zoo for big game hunting . its not working . but why . maybe because , deep down , you know you dont believe in what youre doing . oh , my god , shes right . my lips will say anything , but my eyes know the truth . my ears are keeping their mouth shut . my fellow americans , i am full of crap . i knew you were , dad . i always knew . well , for one brief , glorious moment , i was almost president , sort of , not really . now , let me just play a sweet song that ill never hear . hail to me im the presidential gonzo hunt with a bow cause its silent like the night eat mooses raw so their souls go into my soul ill move the white house to kalamazoo . ted there is a new national anthem that is sweeping the land and it was written by me and it popped into my head while i was washing my dog suck on that , francis scott key oh , i got a good song fever ted nugent fever homer something , fever ted sing it , homer . homer i got this song fever tedhomer we got america fever we got america fever ted u . s . of a . homer u . s . of a . homer great song , ted . whens our next gig . are we going to new york or . shh . springfield . doh . so what are we doing here . what , is it the thing where the family runs in and sits down . thats it . we flew you in and put you up for that . i , think were done here . paul . lisa simpson , your actions have brought devastation upon this town , and all because of your selfish desire to be accepted by others . leave her alone . thats my only talking daughter . lethal inject her on the electric chair . bart , its okay to say that at home but not in court . take it back . withdrawn . now , lisa , tell your side of the story , and use your big voice . well , it all started a couple of months ago . your honor , id like to request that everyone in the court picture in their minds what the witness is describing . ill allow it , but no flights of fancy . well , mcbain , you certainly picked a bad time to come out of retirement . i hope you have a cobra plan . you are suffering from a reptile dysfunction . homer down in front . damn it , why do kids have heads . homie , stop watching the movie in the other peoples car . oh , but im invested in the characters . youll miss the turnoff to the fancy new mall . i make my own turnoffs . and that , kids , is how you stick it to the towne centre real estate investment trust . no , . whoo hoo . someone thinks were leaving . ill wave them off . no , lets see how long we can keep em waiting . everyone act like were buckling up to go home . homie . marge , if you were married to da vinci , you wouldnt tell him not to da vinch . damn it , are you leaving or not .  . leaving . why on earth would you think that . we totally wasted his time . and ours . this place is so great . when the trolley hits you , it doesnt even hurt . you try it , maggie . oh , condos . lenny , do you live here . yeah , i just moved in . i have a drippin dots for breakfast every morning at lunch , i get a massage in front of strangers and then i spend the afternoon browsing cell phone skins . ever get tired of those dancing waters . the day i moved in . so what are we all going to do together . actually , we just came to do some shopping as a family . oh , no worries . mr . mall can make his own excitement . give me one doll from every time period , and set me up for a tea party in a private room . lenny , you asked me to stop you from coming back in here . let me help you . you can help me by giving me ellis island emily . hi , dear , im your uncle lenny . im going to buy you an all new wardrobe , fix your teeth , send you to the best schools , and youre going to hate and resent me for it cause youre an american now . i was hanging on to these gift cards as investments , but then half the companies went out of business . better sort those out . crowd aw crowd aw doh . do over . hmm . whoo hoo . unspool it into my mouth till that card is at zero . draw the curtain . sir , as a complexion scientist , i must advise you against using any more . this is the most powerful hydrator we sell . less blathering , more slathering . hey . watch it . yo , bart dude . can i get a ride to the food court . hop on . ho ho . hmm . i kind of want to create my own thing . do you sell any just plain sets . no . we do all the imagining for you . well , ill just buy one of these and build something different . you do and youd better build yourself a lawyer . lawyer miss simpson , does the court really need to hear everything that happened in every store your family visited . trust me , ive left a lot out and cleaned up the swears . anyway , i ran into some schoolmates and thought they might be friendly . thats what kids do , right , hang out at the mall together . but when i went over hi , guys , what are you doing . duh , having feathers woven into our hair . lisas brain those girls are snotty and shallow . tell them off . can i join you . lisa , how can we put this . youre the reason no one wears silly bandz anymore . wha . they , dont . what the . enough . i dont trust this place . where are the cashiers . huh . oh . huh . oh . yeah , the lightest , most desirable computer in the world for the next three weeks the mapple void . ill take it , provided you charge me for services that google offers for free . i already have . sweet . this computer is so great . im watching the latest sofia coppola movie at x speed to make it seem like a normal movie . i think it just froze . oh , no , that bird just moved . uh oh, , a draggy backpack . i have no friends . aw , sweetie , hey , why dont you make friends with my new computer . okay . let me just finish downloading the complete works of shakespeare . now whos the greatest writer of all time . id have more friends if i knew what people liked , but i wont know what people like unless im their friend . its a conundrum . helpful hint if you want friends , dont use words like conundrum . jimbo co what . jimbo heard me say it . im dead . hmm . its easier to be friends with lots of people online than one person in person . what if i started an online meeting place where all are equal and i am the undisputed center . hows this for a conundrum . its not really a conundrum . sit at my feet and i will elaborate . so , to summarize , your honor , lisa simpson created this social network because she had no friends . no , that is not true . i may i remind you youre under oath . all right already . i had no friends . with a attitude like that , i wouldnt be her friend . life is too dang short . so , since i had no friends , i assembled a motley crew of the friendless to help me construct my social network . did we become friends . no . as the ceo of springface , i want you all to have fun as you write source code until you fall asleep at your consoles . delightful . heres my favorite computer game angry nerds . nelson , is there any way i could be your friend . the only way i would be your friend is if i could click a box under your picture saying accept friendship request from . nelson , youve just given us the template for our site . i dont care . if we dont move , his odds of getting us both are to one . oh oo , . bye . now , to skip ahead , your diabolical plan was an instant success . i never said it was diabolical . withdrawn . this social network quickly unified the disparate children of springfield unified . oh , i just got invited to make out with shauna . see . that went out to guys . and seven girls . oh santas little helpers friends with snowball two . now ive seen everything . ha , all my friends have birthdays this year . i just un friended skinner doggone it . im less popular than the hornets nest in the gym . you said you were getting rid of that nest . we trade the honey for chalk and yardsticks . hornets make honey . better than wasp honey , not as good as bee . is this how you talk on dates . i wish my dates were this interesting . hit refresh . hit refresh . i have a thousand friends . and only eight of them are milhouse . a thousand kids . if you could get each of them to send you a dollar , youd be a millionaire . well , its not just kids using springface , its moms like me , marge . wait a minute , grownups are on this . yeah , look . weve got to thank you , kiddo . weve gotten so much more action since we signed up and used this picture of ourselves . thats not you . you can see our reflection in the sunglasses . wow , ive created something incredibly popular . and ive created something that created something incredibly popular . and i created an alcoholic hippo . you never showed it to me . a stupid alcoholic hippo . i still want to see it . there is no hippo . then why did you say it . cause youre the hippo . are you just saying that cause you dont want me to see the hippo . i dont have a hippo . and so , this so called springface spread from the world of children to adults . man , this web site makes talking drunk to my wife so much safer . i am sitting here zero sheets to the wind homer counting the moments to closing time when i can stumble home to you . another round , moe . uh oh, , did i type that . delete . delete . hm , typing delete does not delete . it is gratifying to see all of you bowing in prayer , the light of god shining on your faces . uh oh, , bernice hibbert keeps liking bumblebee mansos . thats how it starts . tsk tsk . why did i make this church a wi fi hotspot . if you cant beat em , join em . lets see , which muppet am i . beaker . hm , i guess thats fair . friend , awaiting reply , friend sherri . terri . hopscotch . double dutch . ringolivio . anyone . oh , i have a thousand friends , and i feel more alone than ever . whee . i am trying to set a mood here . whee . so , to sum up , lisas social network turned into the biggest internet failure since well , thereve been so many . ask jeeves , anyone . and so springface became too big to control , just like the baby in my self published novel , the ft . baby . order it online now , while you can still cheat the government on sales tax . as i was saying , springface was used in ways i never expected . thanks for springfacing me your head cleaver , bart . check this out im hiding a bomb in this pile of corpses , so when kearney loots their ammo , he gets a face full of ass shrapnel . damn , i got ass shrapped . what the .  . that idiot cut me off . im gonna run his plates , find out who he is , then change his springface profile picture to a shot of a monkey . chuckle get that , marge . a monkey . homer , watch the road . right . status update homer is watching the dislike . dislike . somebody call . i dont know how to use the phone on my phone . hey , did you guys get my picture of the fire . yeah , i did nice grab . i didnt get it yet . yeah , funny how that works . lisa simpson , can you give us any reason why the city should not force you to shut down your site . i know its awful and insular and caused deaths , but i had friends . four digits of friends . i had a friend in common with malcolm gladwell . he friends everybody . fine . ill shut down the site . when you were here before couldnt look you in the eye time to get a life . youre just like an angel your skin makes me cry we dont need your crummy web site . we can make anything into guns . janey lisa . lisa . want to play marco polo with us . we just realized you dont have to play in a pool . you really want me . no . we want your dad . marco . come on , lisa . polo . fish out of water . when you were here before couldnt look you in the eye youre just like an angel hey , winklevosses . youre gonna lose yet again . you should see the expression on your faces . oh , wait , you can . theyre fat , they smoke , they started training a week ago . why cant we pull away . because we cant stop concentrating on that million facebook settlement , which somehow wasnt enough for us . even though we were rich in the first place . so long , you big babies . hope you like the taste of silver . help us , larry summers . come on , wonder twin . pull . narrator and now , for a simpsons shows too short story . once there was a young rascal named bart . this lad was trouble from the very start . when it came to mischief , he had a black thumb . it didnt hurt that his daddy was dumb . and when it came to best friends , it was milhouse who picked him . sometimes the sidekick , sometimes the victim . then one day at school engulfed in ennui , bart dreamed of wrapping the place in t . p . so off to the discount store they did skulk . with the evil intent of buying in bulk . they went to the school and put up a ladder . only to wait for milhouses bladder . all that evening they unfurled with delight . and soon the school was covered in white . the mischievous boys had done their best . when an eagle approached , needing a nest . they tried to escape with struggles and squirms . but all they got was a diet of worms . there they remained to this very day . so now you know , pranks do not pay . simpson . shh . springfield . and thats why i really dont believe theres a god . thank you , and god bless america . you were only supposed to lead us in the pledge of allegiance . im pretty sure it was in there somewhere . oh . now , let me conclude by thanking moe the bartender for hosting this meeting while city hall is fumigated for bedbugs . bedbugs . just why is there a bed in city hall . er , uh , meeting adjourned . all night long all night all night all night all night long all night all night all night all night long all night all night all night all night long everyone you meet theyre jamming in the street all night all night long all night yeah , i said this is so convenient . i can go straight from doing my civic duty to having a beer with my best friend carl . and i can toss back a duff sangre de los muertos with my best friend mexican duffman . ho la . hey , moe , whos your best friend . uh well , uh well , i just made friends with pepto bismol on facebook , and , uh um hey , would you look at that . theres a spot on the bar . come on . you know what . i think moes best friend is really that bar rag . thats even sadder than being friends with milhouse . you know something , bart . im getting tired of things like that . tired of what . i dump on you , and you take it . thats how friendship works . not anymore . friendship over . taxi . what gives . hes not crawling back . even a kid who wears a finding nemo back brace has some pride . you went too far this time , bart . hey , moe . i got a job here for your best friend , the bar rag . me , too . witty . great meeting , though . yes , thats right , everyone laugh at the rag . but i was not always this be staind swatch you see before you . oh , no , gentles . we begin in early medieval france bar rag a young peasant wife struggles to feed her family maman , we are starving listen to the grumbling of our estomacs . thats not your estomacs . its some men speaking french . now , i have work to do . complain to your papa . papa . he is no help at all . marguerite , i leave to fight in flanders . stupid flanders . all tremble before the duc de springfield . thats enough . madame , i would like you to weave me a tapestry with the following images me healing the sick . me killing the healthy . me marrying my sister . a long winter where nothing happens . me relaxing with friends . you know , the standard stuff . for this , i shall pay you two copper coins . you have years to complete it . you may have one oh , these innocent creatures are blocking my path . i could walk six paces that way or i could kill them all right now . i am heartily sorry and confess all my sins . absolved . avancez . bar rag in their dying fury , those beasts began expelling demon wool . and the restless spirits of those murdered sheep compelled marguerite to loom ceaselessly , even as her husband went off to fight again and again and again . bar rag as the years went by , the images she loomed were not of the duc , but rather depictions of the adventures that cloth would experience over the centuries . oh , and by the way that tapestry was me . right , and i was the gutenberg bible . maman , we have failed to grow . weve had too little food . is it too little food or too much complaining . maman , you are overstressed . you need a vacation . perhaps to the south of france . were in the south of france . bar rag one day , as rosy fingered dawn wiped the morning gunk from her eyes , the duc came to claim his infernal drapes . what an age for prosthetics we live in . silence . i have reached my verdict . its not what i expected . and yet its beautiful . but its also not what i expected . burn down their house . bar rag but le duc was about to be called home to the worst kind of hell medieval hell . hey , lets show some french courage and beat up the corpse . come on , ralphie , have a try . oh . were submitting that to frances funniest cave paintings . hm hmm, , mm hm . mm hmm, , hm . bar rag even for a tapestry made of demon wool , this was hard to watch . i was moved to a magnificent cathedral and learned that tapestries were the rock stars of the middle ages . i had legions of what you now call groupies . it felt like the good times known as the dark ages would never end . but then cruel fate knocked upon the door guys , it aint working  the doors too strong . go , vikings . ow . stop it . you just broke your vow of silence . it wasnt a vow . i just didnt want to talk to you . oh . this viking stuff is too dangerous . im going to become a gentleman art thief . huh . hmm , what the . spooky . hmm . bar rag that was the first time i knew anguish and fear . nothing will ever staunch the pain of that memory . oh . well , that helps . bart milhouse . milhouse . what do you  hmm . what is it , bart . listen , um after our fight , i couldnt sleep . well , i was doing fine . warm glass of milk , some choice cuts from the wriggles and i was out . come on , man . at least listen to what i have to say . okay um well this is usually the part where you say youre sorry . bart , im not your puppet . i know , i made you into a real boy last week . and ill always be grateful . but its time you started treating me with respect . theyre a tough pair , huh . if you let me in , ill give you the heimlich . hm mm . so to recap i had been unjustly torn from my lofty perch . i wound up as a barter in persia . you have taken our gold and jewels and given us this faded cloth .  . thats right . and if anyone asked who swindled you , it was christians . remember that name christians . bar rag i found myself in the court of the young persian king , a cruel king who demanded constant entertainment from his wives . eh . throw her in the pit of boring wives . we never go out anymore . are you even listening to me . my sister has a much bigger pit . dude , youve already discarded , like , wives . i think its weird that youre counting . send in the next one . good evening , your majesty . may i tell you your slippers are as curly as everyone says . eh , pit her . wait , . i can , uh , tell you a story . cease your dragging . uh there once was a boy named ali baba . he and his elder brother cassim were the sons of a merchant who traded in camels and spices and  okay , just a couple thoughts on your direction so far . one day , while out for a walk , ali baba was set upon by a thief . make that two thieves . a million thieves . too many . forty thieves . bar rag with her inventiveness and wit , the clever wife entertained her king for a thousand and one nights . and while he slept , she freed her imprisoned compatriots . uh , it was cooler in the pit . and thats how the camel got its hump . another story . for once , couldnt you just take a few minutes to let the previous story sink in . you dare refuse your king . guards . uh oh . bar rag my downward spiral continued . only cowards use blindfolds . i didnt know you were doing that . bar rag i was unfit for even the most sordid uses . hows your neck , your lordship . no splinters or nuffin . i fear the axe less than that filthy rag . you talk fancy now , but youll twitch like the rest . all too true , i fear . shut up . your tongue is even sharper than your  bar rag but then , at my lowest ebb , a moment of hope . i played a pivotal role in creating one of the masterpieces of western art . michelangelo . when will you be finished . hey , you want a quickie . you go to raphael , baby . bar rag the artist was never satisfied . how about now . nope . thats perfect . now would you like to protect your investment with a clear coat . hm , let me discuss it with my wife . bar rag the masterpiece was finished and so was the use for me . and then you know , moe , it might be time to buy a new bar rag . yeah , sure thing . ill get right on it . no way i would abandon you , raggie . youre my best friend . so , i guess you didnt eat that special cheese that i gave you yesterday , huh . yeah . oh , milhouse , what do i have to do , besides changing in any way , to get you to forgive me . gee , bart , you seem , uh  how can i put it . milhousey . really . its not that bad , is it . bart , youll never learn . milhouse , youre the closest thing i have to a brother . a brother with the wisdom of an older sister . and thats why we squabble , cause families always do . but in the end , theyre still a family . what do you say brother . not bad . did lisa write that . yes , i did . now im going to bed . i want something that comes from you , bart . were done here . but but the glasses are off . my degradation continued . bar rag an enterprising seamstress turned me into the flag of a fledgling nation . unfortunately , a nation on the wrong side of history . bar rag like everyone else , i was hit hard by the depression . whats for dinner , ma . rag soup . needs flavor . mmm , thats better . bar rag i was part of an expedition to the top of mount everest , one that had the distinction of failing un heroically . oxygen i need oxygen . come on , man . a few more balloons and thisll look really awesome . doh . worst climbing everest . bar rag a yeti found me and brought me home as a present to his son . ah , . mmm and now my thousand year fall from grace is complete . i guess i should be happy here , with my sad , but predictable moe . moe . wake up . oh no , i dont want to find out whats worse than you . bart milhouse . ive been out here all night , man . just let me know what itll take for you to forgive me . can i punch you . sure . can i have someone else punch you . sure . whatve you got . puppy goo goo coming my way . ay carumba . im glad its over . i wasnt comfortable having the upper hand . from now on ill dominate you in ways you dont realize . thats all i ever wanted . whered it go . whered it go . hey , chief wiggum . can you help me find my bar rag . i cant even find my car in the parking lot at the mall . there was half a kilo of heroin and two suspects inside . hey . hey . can you throw me my house key . please . its got a green thingy on it . stop . oh . hey , theres some pringles in here . nope . tear gas . havent forgotten about your rag , moe . im in hell , im in hell , im in hell , im in hell perhaps one of you garments would like to narrate for a while . mens extra large underwear . im saving my strength . hes going bike riding today . come on in . youve got my rag . but how . well , during the town meeting , which now seems like years ago , i forgot my purse at your bar . marge and when i came back to get it , i saw how much you love that rag . num num . marge it seemed a little ripe , so i brought it home to clean it for you . thanks , marge . that rag is my only friend in the world . well , thats not true . everyone in this family is your friend . your bar is the closest thing this town has to an algonquin roundtable . what about that round table pizza run by that algonquin guy . yeah , okay , second closest . so yous all like me . even you , maestro . milhouse . yeah , i , knew it was something stupid . well , thanks , everybody . i im always gonna remember today as the day that i learned to open my heart to human beings and not old pieces of cloth . ha , crazy me , thinking i needed a rag for a friend . so , this is how it ends . the once magnificent tapestry tossed aside yet again like a common kleenex . good bye, , cruel what the . in all my years , this is a love like i have never felt . sweet , pure and forever . bar rag well , all marriages have their ups and downs . springfield . happy th episode . hmm . this is episode . aw , geez . well , i got news for ya , fox aint doin this again . howd you get so many more valentines . i got one from lisa and one from my optometrist . thats a bill . no , its got a love stamp . maybe we should just watch tv . aw now , son , you know itchy and scratchy give you night terrors . last night you had the night terrors . yeah , i dreamt i got fired from that job i dreamt i got the night before . oh announcer welcome to mythcrackers , where we debunk rumors , legends , and all religions except the jesus based ones . its a beautiful afternoon . are multi . no tv on the computer . no tv on a smart phone . tonight , we take on the classic myth that a cat will always land on its feet . now , we didnt want to hurt a real cat , so we took this build a carcass stuffed it with ballistic gel , shot it with a foot barrel steam cannon and made a scatter plot of the remains . boo yah . what was it we trying to prove again . dont know , dont care . blow it up . hey , bart , why dont we become mythcrackers . i bet those guys get so many valentines . that might be a good idea , but then again , you thought it up . eh , why not . okay , first myth , using a cell phone at a gas station is dangerous . well , at least im cool now . why does the guy have to do everything for the girl on valentines day . we show girls love on valentines day , and they let us blow stuff up on the fourth of july . i just pray they never fall on the same day . homie , read this . marge my darling husband . this valentines day , i have a present for you . thanks for reading it to me . my pleasure . i want you to have a fun night doing guy stuff . dont worry about me , ill be fine . oh , marge , this is brilliant . mwah . i just think we should do things every day to show our love for each other . hmm . its okay , homie . go . have a good time . take bart with you . oh , which one do you want . you have the most wonderful mom in the world , which is why i have no idea where she is or what shes doing . thats right , sucker . its valentines day , and ive got a date with some fastballs . lucky bastard . i mean , my darling , i was looking at myself in the side view mirror . i hope you hit one off the handle and your hands sting . ow . lisa , i love spending mother daughter time with you . we have so much in common . like , um oh , no . someones about to put the thousand island ladle into the vinaigrette . hmm . sorry , . i didnt mean to be nosey . dont apologize . it was dark , then a light came through the crack . the light was you . oh you have a way with words . words are just nails we use to build ideas . care to continue this discussion at the dessert table . mom , im gonna look at the desserts . dont panic . this can be separated out . quick , does anyone have a centrifuge .  . all i wanted was one romantic night . yep , youre the crack head . what dessert are you gonna get . ill toss this fork into the air and wherever it lands , thats what ill eat . hiya . as hemingway said , the shortest answer is doing the thing . um , i should probably get back to my mom . by the way , my name is no . when i first hear your name , i want to be somewhere important , the peak of kilimanjaro the back of a vaporetto in venice , the lisa . now this is the most important place in the world . now thats a spicy meet cute . mwah . lisa . moe hey , midge . want a piece of my ziti . that cost a nickel , but , uh , well settle up later . today we tackle the most terrifying myth in the history of springfield elementary , that if you press e  on the candy machine , you get electrocuted and die . wow . did you invent a robot hand to touch the buttons . something like that . ladies and gentlemen , that myth is cracked . candy cigarettes . i didnt know they made these . they were discontinued because they were thought to encourage impressionable children to smoke . how dumb do they think we are . mm hmm . mmm . i can quit any time i want . this place is great . if i cover my peripheral vision , i feel like im in france . ew how bout i just look at you . el puerco , i must break up with you . oh , but the hand holding is just too good . your juice boxes . its nice . perhaps we can try a little harder , for the lady . such is the life of the juice boxir . oh . marge , since youre by yourself , would you like to borrow one of my twins . but remember , the one you pick may not be the one you get . mom , im sorry im late . no excuse , i just forgot all about you . im not sure that patch really represents who i am right now . well , if youd been here for the design phase , you couldve registered that objection . now start quilting . now theres three of you . all or maybe youre losing your mind . according to the wisdom of our elders if you go all the way around on the swing , your body will turn inside out . cool . now my beauty will be on the outside . hes still inside in, , folks . and just to prove it all whoa . marge she had now come to the part that peter pan hated . i do like a mothers love , said tootles mom , i have a crush . is it on your father . little girls always get crushes on their fathers . somehow i missed that phase . almost there , boy . almost there . almost there . im getting closer . its just within reach . the boy i like is hemingway esque . okay . lets esque him to dinner . wow , nick here in our house . i hope it doesnt make him think less of me . this house is not an embarrassment . hm , usually when i say something like that , something extremely embarrassing happens . im gonna say good night before it does . good night . well , lisa didnt tell me that she had a sister . or a daughter . oh , my . i dont know if anyones ever kissed my hand before . well , your arms are lanky . its kind of a long trip down there . my mother said i should bring some wine . hmm , the french have gotten into the wine game . ha , good luck catchin up with the big boys . ill get a couple glasses . mrs . simpson , id like your permission to take your daughter to the doritos nutrition fair at the school gym . well , i usually take lisa , but i can just go with bart . wait . what . no . youre going with me . but , lisa , after this , i dont want you to spend so much time with this boy . if you do , itll mean youre a separate person from me . thatll stop her from seeing him . mom cant appreciate the kind of boy nick is , because although i love dad , hes a completely different creature . yeah , theres a lot of fish in the sea , but she picked out a drunken walrus . but you and this nick fella sound to me like the story of pyramus and thisbe . which inspired romeo and juliet , which inspired west side story , which inspired me to say eh . pyramus and thisbe were lovers from ancient times . they lived next door but their families despised each other . i dont like to babble on , but i sure do like babylon . the lovers had to whisper their sweet nothings through a crack in the wall . lisa wait a minute . nick and i met talking through a crack between two booths . abe and the power of that forbidden smooch made them love each other forever . lisa man , that company thinks every time it adds a wisecracking parrot to a story , they own it . talk to the wing , thisbe . grampa , would you help take me on a foolish romantic mission . let me check my schedule . this might work . i think im free . tuesdays open . you got it , kiddo . legend has it a girl named eleanor mackie drowned on this very spot . now they say if you call her name three times while looking in this mirror , you will die . milhouse . eleanor mackie . eleanor mackie . eleanor mackie . aw , gimme a break . the one day the lunch lady decides to wash her hands . okay , that was the last school myth and its officially cracked . so , school is just everything we see . thats sad , man . you into cigars now . its a twix . i cant be the guy who killed everybodys fun . thats skinners job . dont blame me . you killed the fun , . milhouse , ive just figured out a way to make school cool again . american girl doll day .  . you might be surprised at the number of boys who have american girl dolls . its not weird cause theyre historic figures . i have found one last myth to destroy , the so called legend of groundskeeper were willie . prepare to be disappointed . gentlemen , we just created a myth . now theres a myth about me id like you to correct  im not from edinburgh . im also not from glasgow . im from kirkwall in orkney . me father was an uppie , and me mother was a doonie . it tore the family apart . ow . pull over . youre wanted for grand theft retirement home . the tv remote is in your pocket . hola . yo soy maury povich . uno de estos siete hombres es el verdadero padre de este crack baby . everyones speaking spanish . but , if we stop now , well never make it there by sunset . run , young lovers . ill take care of the cops . but , grampa go ahead . i aint afraid of no prison . sir , were gonna bring you back to your retirement home . no . chief , we heard gunfire . relax . its just my back . and my hip . spinal column . thanks for the ride , mr . spuckler . yeah , i dont normally approve of out breeding, , but you two seem nice . we can take this boat . i dont know , this waters a little choppy . i thought you rowed up the zambezi without a guide . right , . so , dad , what kind of stupid idea did you put in lisas head . she wants to steal a kiss , like pyramus and thisbe . did you say ultimate frisbee .  . no . oh women and shoes , am i right . your hands are really cold . you know , you were a lot more adventurous at the dessert table . i sure was  im allergic to chocolate . shut up and kiss me . lisa , its hadley richardson , hemingways first wife . trust me , youre making a big mistake . if you dont believe me , ask pauline pfeiffer . i was his second wife . there were two more after me . tortured writers make horrible husbands . at least you chose to be with him . i was just swimmin along , mindin my own business . next thing i know , i was hanging on his wall . he used to pee in the fireplace . wait , how long is this love for again . eternity . oh , thats a pretty long time . now my lips are getting cold . lisa . this isnt working out . lisa , im sorry that god gave me this gift of lying to girls , for a little while . ill see ya . i feel kinda silly i walked all the way out here . youre just fine . you always are . thanks . but i couldnt do it , mom . i mean , the person you kiss under a mulberry tree is someone youll love for the rest of your life . mwah . dont worry , ladies , im a comin . doh . doh oh , you know , ive heard if a fat guy stops moving , he floats . shh . springfield . why , you little . good evening . it is with great sadness i inform you that america and china have declared war , and a massive nuclear attack is expected to reach our shores within the hour . thats the sort of hypothetical emergency todays disaster preparedness drill is designed to get us ready for . hmm . all springfielders should now move off the streets and inside their homes . please avoid the superstitious panic which marked the recent lunar eclipse . sorry , dad . i was afraid the dragon wouldnt cough the moon back up . you idjit . the dragon always coughs the moon back up . i know its futile , but i must again point out there is no dragon . then why am i paying a year in dragon insurance . again , i maintain that money would be better spent on car insurance . lisa , everyone knows dragons do not attack cars . geez , pick up a book . now remember , this is only a drill . ah . the missiles really are coming . the so called drill is just a way to get you into shelters without causing total chaos . is what i would say , if this werent a drill . this is not a drill . now were supposed to stay down in our storm cellar for three hours . so do your farting now . homie , what if that was the last thing you ever said . dont worry . my last words will be i can outrun that lion . homer all right , everybody in . all right , whos the wisenheimer thats been eating the powdered food . not me . two can play at that game . i can do this . i can do this . boy , i told you an hour ago , stop that . but bunkerball is keeping us sane . do we really have to sit here the whole time . i mean , if we went out now , it might be cool to see the town empty . yeah , i could sneak into the school and write whatever i want on the chalkboard . i could see a planetarium show without the secondhand marijuana . and i can drive drunk while im actually sober . its fun , but not as fun . thats odd . why are all those cars parked at city hall . bart ay caramba . if i didnt know better , id say its a town meeting . not without us , it isnt . pull over . welcome to this secret meeting , made possible by the fake disaster drill . and a special thanks for the hard work of the mystery and secrecy committee . chalmer we have names , you know . quit complaining . you only meet once a month . yes , but the meetings last eight hours . disco stu shut up . shut up . this is the most fun i have . and now for the reason we are here . whats going on . why is there a picture of us . this isnt good . oh , honey , why must you always assume that a huge picture of us at a secret meeting we werent told about is a bad thing . the results are in this town has voted unanimously to get rid of springfields unending nightmare the simpsons . all doh . theyre here . the monsters are here . moe , its me , marge . im your friend . the monster queen is coming on to me . why would you want to banish us from springfield . yeah . were like family to you . im talking to you , headphone bus guy . ill have you know im also a hair donor . salma hayek wore me to the oscars . this is not about who wore whose hair where . we are here to banish the simpsons , although we are not pleased to be doing so . i am . me , too . i feel like a kid at christmas . i believe you know my position . i know were all happy . im just trying to spare their feelings . those freaks have no feelings . even baby never cry . man shes a freak . what baby does that .  . why would an entire town go to all this fuss to get rid of one family . what have we done thats so terrible . im glad you asked . the simple fact is the city is going broke cleaning up after homers drunken shenanigans we won . whoo hoo . homer , that is not banishment hearing behavior . barts pranks , which dwindle in humor as they rise in destruction and lisers environmental initiatives if i may speak . mm hmm . were not monsters . were just people . people who love each other and love this town , the only place weve ever called home . thank you . marge , you are a sweet woman and you make us see your family in a more forgiving light . thank you . which is why youre the worst simpson of all . huh .  . all yeah , . now , just a second here . now , i know were not perfect . but , uh , i believe it was sammy hagar who said sideshow mel silence . doh . that was an inside me bone . make way for captain coolerhead . now , i like a good old fashioned witch trial as much as the next person , but i do not think we should be so quick to judge our long time neighbors . not so fast , flanders . we knew youd be the voice of mercy , and were prepared to answer your concerns . any other objections . i withdraw my diddily . oh i always thought tarred and feathered was just a figure of speech . good luck patching potholes and stuffing pillows now . simpson , in accordance with article six , section two of the town charter wait . if you banish us , you shall be cursed with a thousand year drought . i mean , a thousand year flood . doh . i mean , a thousand years of perfect weather . just get out . im a rolling stone all alone and lost for a life of sin i have paid the cost oh , that was the last springfield radio station . now we just get shelbyville talk radio . radio announcer if you see a simpson , do not try to reason with it . just kill it and turn in the pelt for a free soda . soda , eh . mmm . dad , where are we going . do we have a plan . oh , lets face it . im the one thats brought this fate upon us . and theres only one way out ive gotta man up . okay , manning up manning up . manning oh , girling down . girling down . hey , henrietta hippo , ive got to drain the inchworm . fine . please , put that down . bart i just got started . not you . him . you best get back where you belong . please , sir , weve been thrown out of a place weve always called home . we just want to live out our lives in peace . rejected by society , huh . well , why didnt you say so . welcome to the off the unincorporated settlement we proudly call the outlands . weve found a new home . when god shuts a door , he opens a window . oh , i wouldnt be openin no windows . coyotes will take your baby . mountain man doh . eh , im sick of watching fox . lets get some fresh air . i got the atvs right out back . should i get my helmet . helmet . thats springfield talk . is there gas in these . springfield talk . well , how are we supposed to get fuel . private plane crashes . ah , smell that unpolluted air . you know , im glad were in exile . yep , i never realized how much i hated every single one of my friends and relatives . i dont think this place is so great . im trying to make the best of things , but im worried maggie is falling in with a bad crowd . i miss our home , and i want to go back . its not perfect here , but it is close to nature and if you have an axe to grind , wikileaks is right over there . howre you doin , mr . assange . thats my personal information , and you have no right to know about it . hey , but were neighbors . would you like to come over for a movie sometime . is it iraqi journalists being murdered . dont be ridiculous . its an afghan wedding being bombed . aw well ive got a really big secret for you . im not wearing any underwear . you know , you should really get out less . hes no ned flanders . and i miss the springfield sign and how every street is a dead end . god help me , i even miss helen lovejoy criticizing my brownies . hey , baby , banned forever doesnt mean you cant go back sometimes . yes , it does . pipe down , boy . im sneaking you back into springfield . oh , smithers . homie , these disguises wont fool anyone . pish tosh , smithers , and fiddle dee . heh heh, , nailed it . wiggum hold it right there . mr . burns , you might catch a cold out this late . you want my jacket . here , let me warm my gun up for you . excellent . yeah , it wouldnt be you if you didnt say excellent . you know whats great about you , marge . after all these years , you can still shinny up the donut and then pull me up after you . look . a shooting star . ah you ever wonder if there are donut shops on other planets . on a night like tonight , i have to believe there are . strike . whoo hoo . want to make out over the foul line . ever since the day we met . the old homestead . remember when we moved in and i talked like this . oh , mmm , eh , theres no sex like fugitive sex . home sweet squat . yeah . this place is awesome , but its not puppy safe . and my little guys coming home tomorrow . someones downstairs . shh . i think i heard a pair of underpants being picked up off the ground . big ones . its them . barts mom and the fat guy . lets turn them in . wiggum not so fast . this case was already cracked by the last person youd expect the chief of police . you really thought you could fool me with that burns and smithers getup . i mean , im not the sharpest pencil in the pencil thing , but im least as smart as a cat . right , lou . uh , what breed , chief . i mean , i saw an abyssinian once who could change channels . eh , that is pretty smart . all right , you caught us . what are you gonna do about it , throw us out of town again . crucify them . and screw the boulder in tight . make them write monologue jokes . cancel their subscription to the opera . we hate opera . then get them a subscription to the opera . no . i say shoot em . now , hold on just a minute . nobody said anything about shooting . i did , just now . thats right , you did . well , all right . okay . dont even bother shooting us . weve found a new place that we love , a place that may not have indoor plumbing , but its got something we treasure more . yeah . non jerks . maybe hes right  we are jerks . you want i should spray some of my jerk off on you . uh its okay . in our new community , people accept others for who they are . i thought i wanted to come back to my house , but instead , im going to go back to my home . well , bah to them . lets go , smithers . getting a little clingy , arent we . oh , all right . thats all it took . i just had to ask . well , ive tightened the bolt . i think were good . you sure this is a good idea . this is the outlands , boy . ideas arent good or bad , theyre just free . power on . i was wrong  there are bad ideas . there are terrible ideas . homer now im over here . im on it . ow . lenny lenford . youre a long way from your bar stool . im here as a friend , looking for a better way of life . mm . hey , lenny . welcome aboard . whew . now , i got to warn you , if you find a little black thing on your pillow , it wont be a mint . i dont mind  i want a fresh start , and so does carl . get her off . get her off . let her slice off the tip of your ear , and shell go right to sleep . no . thats not a choice you get to make . oh , this is pretty tasty . yup . and i like how its dissolving a hole in the cup . hey , guys . what can i getcha . forget it . we dont need some big city bartender charging us an arm and a leg for something we can do ourselves . sure , i understand . but if you change your minds , ill be here in this cave . i got a funny feeling our paradise is about to get ruined by unwanted guests . i probably shouldnt have given this place five stars on yelp . well , i rented that plane . oh , that tears it . i am not comfortable being this close to medical care . out of here . what are you doing here . i , uh , heard everything was going great in your new eden , with one flaw you lack a corrupt city government . true , . and a school system that teaches to the tests , sneaks the kids the answers and still fails . stop . stop . this is everything we put behind us . you cant leave civilization , marge . humanity is an inexorable upward march . or was till the year . well , i did miss a few things about the grid like everything . maureen dowd , weve got a lot of catching up to do . im sure someone will come back and tell me where they went . if i go inside , they might not find me . well meet again dont know where dont know when but i know well meet again some sunny day aw , come on , man , we wouldnt leave you behind . bless you , boy . ow . accident . here comes another one . ow . ow . its nice to be wanted . mountain man the outlands . springfield . dad . dad . yes . awake . lets do this . dad , i wanted to give you a heads up . moms birthday is tomorrow . its time to start your annual mad dash around town to get her a present thats not completely insulting . you know , sweetie , there was a time when i wouldve killed for that information , but im pleased to announce ive already bought your mother a present . and brace yourself , i put some thought into it . its a state of food mash em . wha . mom is gonna love that . love .  . your moms gonna feel so good , itll make mere love seem like chewing tinfoil . because today , im getting it autographed . by who . lenny . by the box lady herself . whoa whoa . yeah ohaa . man , oh , man , look at this place . finally , a supermarket with a clear premise island something . its like going to hawaii without the murderous locals . they have jellies made of fruits ive never heard of . thesell go great with betel nut butter . wow , i dont believe the simpsons apu . what are you doing out of your natural habitat . i am finding out who my real customers are , and who is going to cheat on my store with some south sea sugar shack . but at the kwik e , the only fresh fruit is the one banana by the register . you keep your ice cream right beside the motor oil . you sell cigarettes to kids . now see here , i have always considered you cash giving cows to be my friends . and friends do not betray friends . friends are the only people you can betray . and youd do it in a second for a supermarket that gives free coffee samples . defend yourself , sir . convenience forever , freshness never . uh huh . would you sign this for my wife marge . shes a big fan and her birthday is tomorrow . uh hm, , you know , while i was signing this for your wife , i just cooked up a great idea . oh how would you like it if i called your wife live from my show tomorrow to wish her a happy birthday . you would do that .  . oh , my god , this might be a marges birthday where i get sex . oh . an apron with a sonnet . open mine . quick , before it suffocates . a bunny . just like the one i had when i was a girl . how did you know . i saw this picture at grandmas house , then i hit the pet stores till i found one that looked just like it . oh , bart , you got me the fluffy pet ive never stopped thinking about . now , last but not least , your present , homie . oh . wait one second , marge . before you open it , youre gonna get a phone call that will make this your most awesome birthday ever . well , were still focused on me instead of watching golf , so thats pretty good . the only golf well watch is ladies golf , and were not watching that . now in three two one i repeat . one ooooooone ne . oonnneee please dont say one again . onnneee . homie , whatever it is , its not happening . this yolk separating camera hog was supposed to call you and say happy birthday . from her show . well , at least you remembered i like her . a pity kiss .  . that tears it . im gonna call that paula paul and give her a piece of my mind . huh . the phones dead . normal , nor uncharacteristic .  . hm . a chew through . what could have aw i mean , aw , hes trying to eat ewectwicity . you let this monster into our home , where he chewed through our one and only phone cord . wait . maybe paula paul left a message . paula hi , marge . paula paul here , calling live from whats on paulas windowsill . ready to wish you a happy birthday , but since youre not home yet , well go to commercial and call you right back . hi , paula paul , calling back for marge simpson . kind of a big moment for you , a little surprised youre not picking up . marge , this is just plain disrespectful . i bumped a segment to do this and youre making me look like an ass . screw you , marge simpson . dont read my books and dont make my recipes . may my curse follow you beyond the grave . check it out . its on tv . theyre booing you , marge . an audience full of church groups and marines . marge , go to hell , marge . i think thats enough birthday fun . why you little im gonna get no , homer . you cant strangle a boy on his mothers birthday . juries hate that . so instead , boy , i want you to get in that rabbit cage . no way , man . im a free range kid . no backtalk . in the cage . now . get in there . son , do you have a minute . ive been thinking . i really shouldnt have put you in there and left you there while we were having pizza without you . so im gonna let you out with my apologies . dont wanna come out . what .  . i like it in the cage . these cedar shavings are a hell of a lot better than my lumpy mattress . boy , get out of that cage . but its my home now , sir . ill poke a broom in there . you know im capable of it . hey . get out of there , you little brat . aah . fine . stupid kid . hmm . this isnt comfortable at all . i dont see how a rabbit could possibly there . finished . awesome revenge , cutting your dads face out of a piece of cardboard . no , you dweeb . its a stencil . im going to take homers ugly face and spread it all over town . can i come . every vandalism spree needs an obnoxious laugher . youre in . hey , you punks . what are you doing .  . if you wake up my pigeons , theyre gonna do their business again . and these days , theres no newspapers so i have to put down amazon kindles . im like its , bankrupting me . dri ving what the huh .  . homer wait a minute that guy on the poster looks familiar . dont just stare back at me , come up with a theory . geez , its all over the place . holy moley . quiet night . nothin but the sound of a spray can and kids laughing , heh . tag , were it . springfield has been hit hard by a mysterious graffiti artist and his iconic calling card, , which we have dubbed mr . fatso . heard about this thing , boy . no , . im too concerned with unemployment . hm , sounds like a lie , but what could he be covering up . homie , have you seen our stencil budget for this month . not now , marge . chief , any leads on this vandal van gogh . i dont traffic in wordplay , kent . but i do have a message for mr . prank lloyd wright . uh , thats architecture , not painting , chief . theyre all artists , lou . why dont you open your eyes . now , as for mr . prank gehry , you may have thumbed your nose at the police , and made yourself into a combination of robin hood , luke skywalker and , well , every rapper ever , but unless you prove that this wasnt just a one time spree , and take your controversial art form to the next level , i am not impressed . hmm boy , you like this necklace i just bought . pretty dope , dont you think . so , how do you like working at swapper jacks . hey , after biting off a mans nose in a prison race war , selling pre cooked pad thai to soccer moms is pretty darn sweet . here , im not jailbird , im just bird . this is a stick them . because i have a gun , you must stick them up now . yes , it is loaded , with bullets that you put in my chest . now empty the cash drawer . come on . all right , chill , bro . just chill out . i will chill you , right between your damned eyes . for once , the indian has been outsourced . sh , . just give me the piece . no youve got a family , dude . no or were you lying when you begged for your life . oh , sweet vishnu the destroyer , what have i done . dude , its okay . the jails , they dont have room for us now . wiggum just makes you do book reports for ralph . but you have to make em so it looks like hes done it . thats kinda the hard part . wheres this beaujolais thats puttin me out of business . whoa , . theres a white wine . and wha  and a swiss cheese . and a peanut butter . and a potato chip . and toilet paper . wha what .  . yo , mysterious pranksters , its time for dinner . damn it , she knows . okay , how do we buy your silence . just throw in a couple of fur is murders . how is fur , murder . theyre just animals . dad . fine . furs murder . everythings murder . tonight the streets are ours tonight the streets are ours these lights and our street are ours tonight bart , youve really grown as an artist . thanks , milhouse . we make a great team . hold it right there . the jerk in the glasses did everything . whoa . waah . need inhaler oh , god , man . here , drink this paint thinner . so , youre the two punks whove been tagging the town . congratulations . both huh . were street artists . take that , ronald reagan . even in death , youre not that safe from me . is that graffiti or are you opening up a mommy and me . thats it . you just got yourself a place on the wall , kid . nooo . ive been satirized . who are you guys . kenny scharf , robbie conal . im shepard fairey . what was that name again . shepard fairey . nelson haw haw . im the guy who created the obama hope poster , and the obey stickers . man , youre the talkiest bullies i ever met . were not bullies , were artists . and so are you . urban vandalism is now the hottest art form there is . hey , i got an f in art . mainly so it would say fart on my report card . bart , we would love to set up a gallery show for your street art . well , if its in a gallery , how is it street art . bart , street art is not about questioning authority . well , ill have to discuss it with my partner . bart , say yes . at the opening , i could wear a sports jacket with a t shirt and jeans . first , im not sure you have the shoulders for it , and second , maybe weve pushed this far enough . i put you in a rabbit cage . i poked your flab back in , square by square . count me in . apu . it is a miracle . what now . swapper jack is reuniting led zeppelin in aisle six . swapper jacks is closing . no . do not give me false hope like the time they said it was only sextuplets . it is true . every successful corporation harbors a terrible secret . theirs is that what they sell as chicken is actually monkey . but the drumsticks stunted monkey tails . and their chicken pot pie . monkey pot pie . but how bout their rotisserie chi  monkey , . they scoop them up off the streets of brazil . so , we have won . finally i am lucky at something . you were lucky at love . yeah , sure , baby . hey , bart , check this out . look at me , im mr . fatso . its funny cause its so preposterous . yeah . weve hit the big time . i , carumba .  . not so loud . if my dad hears about the show , he might realize mr . fatso is him . what the . you idiot . mr . fatso is you . what . no . it cant be . thats right , numbskull . your sons made a fool of you in front of the whole town . shut up . ill fix you . well , ill fix you . go drive a car . yes , master . here , car . here , boy . excellent installation , dude . and a great excuse for me to bust out my courtroom jacket . thanks , guys . i , um oh , this collars feeling pretty tight . help . help . oh , this is just a dream . all i have to do is wake up . why , you little pay for your genius . oh , whats the use . when a man isnt a hero to his son , hes nothing . i like what used to make a neighborhood look dangerous now makes it look sophisticated . i like how the painting makes more than i do . looks like dads not coming . he wont leave the car . i can see how this show might not be to his liking . come on , dad . you made me mad , so i got back at you . how was i to know parents had feelings . well , we do . i want to show you i understand how you feel . and they say a pictures worth a words . you just ruined my car . correction , its worth ten times as much .  . whoo hoo . thanks , boy . youre welcome . and from now on , dad , if anyone laughs at you , theyve gotta go through me . really . anyone . what about the hulk riding a rhinoceros . would you stop him from laughing . wait , is the hulk laughing , or the rhinoceros . both , but the rhinoceros doesnt know why . hes just trying to fit in . dad , its getting cold out here . art lovers and bart lovers . first of all , id like to thank the good folks at springfield arts daily for setting this up . thank you for bringing us a fresh new voice . yes .  . yes . as a graffiti artist , there are so many people to thank people who build walls nighttime , for being dark hold it right there , spray candy warhol . bart simpson , youre under arrest for tagging the town . this overdue art quake that taught us all a new way of seeing , was actually a police department sting . it was . yeah . do you think people would be stupid enough to pay for something some amateur put on a wall for nothing . oh , no , indeed . now if i can just get my back . no refunds . but he just said the show was a sham . oh , it is . and im just a guy sitting at a table . the only thing thats real , is the sign that says no refunds . oh wait , chief . i must know who tipped you off . eh , probably shouldnt tell you this , but , uh , it was our undercover officer , shepard fairey . youre an undercover cop . hey , dont be so surprised . i spent years putting up posters that said obey . what gives , daddy o . i thought you were the dean of the underground scene . im not in the business of helping out posers any more . now , i just sell stuff to them . wait , . hes just a boy . do you have to put him in jail . well , weve gotta teach him a lesson somehow . hmm chief , i believe i have the answer in the back of my car . hm . there you go . thanks for coming out . i need to go to the bathroom . uh , knock yourself out . all right , times up . aw , no . shh . springfield . item being procured one standard sized paper clip . hmm . did you guys see that stupid foul call in the game last night . see it . we followed the ref home and beat the crap out of him . yeah , i ill think that mightve been a kid who worked at foot locker . hey , the supply rooms open . i better close it . unguarded stuff . attention , lovers of free office supplies . come and steal things you can easily afford . can someone open this bottle of mother wolf placenta for me . mr . burns . save me , panic . huh . man oh . whoo hoo . my rubberized bands . my binder clips . my accordion post its . oh , lenny , why would you steal my bear . i just wanted something to cuddle at night . thats my cuddle bear . i loved him , i shot him  hes mine . it has come to my attention that you lunch bagging wage lizards are robbing me blind . if you paid us better , we wouldnt have to steal . you dont even work here . wha .  . you mean ive been calling in sick for nothing . i might not be here tomorrow , thats for sure . only one of you monkeys wasnt caught with his sticky paw in my tin cup . homer simpson . how you doing there . wow , he threw us under the bus , and now hes sitting in the bus drivers lap . now , simpson , how is it that you alone managed to keep your moral compass pointed to true north . well , sir , before i do anything , i stop and ask myself what would jesus and mr . burns do . you are garbage made flesh . this is a mockery . hush . now , while simpson gets the day off , the rest of you will write homer simpson moral lodestar . question can we have fun with it . no , you may not . you know , boy , my dad used to take me fishing just like this . more angry texts from work . thats a lot of eights . i cant believe you got all your friends in trouble and you got the day off . hey , its called karma . isnt karma where if you do something bad , things happen to you . a common misconception . suck it , karma . yeah . im talking to you , karma . ha ha . karmas a bitch , karma . ah , nothing better than a lazy saturday morning lying in a warm , moist bed , because weekends are moist .  . i wet the bed . the one embarrassing thing ive never done . i marge , from time to time ive heard you speak of a washing machine . where would i find this marvelous contraption . why . are you going to do the laundry . not just the laundry . that would be weird , and you might ask questions . im gonna do all the chores . homes brain what the hell are you doing . dont yell at me , brain . this happened on your watch . you have two jobs  thinking and bladder control . im doing the best with what i got . all you feed me is reality shows . i like to watch lamar odom play xbox while his giant wife yells at him . is that so nuts .  . huh .  . yeah , shut you up . now , im sure yesterdays incident of urination domination was a one time deal . but just to make sure oh , why cant i cork my wang wine . homer you do not yet understand the meaning of karma . but isnt karma just an expression of the dharma . that is beside the point , okay . if something bad is happening to you , it must be because of something you did to others . deep down , i must be feeling guilty about getting my friends in trouble . and my problem wont stop till i make things right with them . but first , a little more sleep , hm . this is the best im sorry party homers ever thrown . who the hell are you . im sorry . cheese on that . sorry . hey , lenny . sorry . one more announcement . make sure you whack piata me and not real me . a lot of work went into this thing . die . die . die . so , i got to know , do you guys forgive me . others oh , yeah . aint no problem that free food and free booze wont fix . free .  . uh oh free it is . thanks , guys . tomorrow morning my sheets will be as dry as the surface of mars , except for the poles . what the . wet . again . oh , i did the right thing for nothing . theres only one solution left . mm hmm . mm hmm . man homer simpson . you forgot your receipt for your adult bedwetting product . homer simpson . are you there .  . mm hmm, , okay . place detection pad here . connect alarm hook up here . now , thats what i call looking out for number one . whats going on . uh , that was just the fire alarm . try to go back to sleep . shut up . oh whoa hoa . whats going on . is this a joke . son , im afraid the uralarm whiz no is no joke . what is going on . kids , theres something i have to tell you . your mother and i are wetting the bed . were wetting the bed . hey , when you were pregnant , everything was we . homer im so turned on . what . im sorry , homie . a diaper just isnt sexy . what about cupid . hes smokin hot . hes a baby with wings . marge , its not the diaper , its whats inside . thats just not doing it for me . oh professor frink , are you all right . oh , yes , im fine , my dear . i was just trying to get past the new york times pay wall, , and then kaboy . and what brings you out in the middle of the night . its kind of embarrassing . yes , i heard about your husbands bedwetting problem . how do you know about it . tweeted by bart , re tweeted by krusty . well , perhaps i can help . you see , i have invented a device that allows you to enter someone elses dreams and explore their subconscious . so we can go inside homers sleeping mind and find out why hes wetting the bed . uh , yes . in fact , i just used it to cure another springfielder of his particular obsession . normal stu likes normal things . hmm . were actually entering dads dreams . yes , . you see , its the only way you can uncover the psychological trauma that is causing your fathers secret shame . why does maggie have to go . what am i , a babysitter .  . so no school for me . hey , guys , whatcha doing in my dream . trying to fix your broken brain . my brains fine . in my dreams , im an intermediate skier . ski patrol . everybody be cool . its death . i recognize him from th birthday cards . homie , this might be a clue . whats in that coffin could be behind your nighttime oopsies . you wet the bed .  . oh great . now death knows . what do you see . uh , nothing , typical dream nonsense . relax . everyone knows that if you die in a dream , you just wake up . oh , uh , actually , because i neglected to install the latest adobe acrobat update , if you die in the dream , you die in real life . incidentally , ive also proven that hell is real , and everyone goes there . frink out . wait a minute , i cant die . mommy . listen , everyone . we should fall asleep in this dream . one minute at this level equals two hours one dream level below . wait , dreams have rules . everything has rules , bart . not me , when i hit the dance floor . oh oh . ah ah . bart . can the chatter and fetch me a baloney sandwich . why dont you fetch it yourself , man . barts making faces . shut up , you kids , and bring me baloney . wait nicely . simpson family . now , i believe that to solve homers problem , he must face whats inside the coffin . forget it , doc . what if thats my marriage in there . marriage , shmarriage . whats in the box , man . see what your monkeyshines have done , boy . still smells better than your gym socks , man . why you little ill teach you to make fun of my socks . here , quick . everyone into my dream . what brings thy merry band to stratfords plains . forsooth , a mystry doth confound in your dreams . we never do my thing . oh huh . i know this dream . its the land of my innermost thoughts and fondest desires . at last well get to the bottom of woman welcome back , handsome . uh , marge , this is my friend keggy . mmm oh in this fantasy kwik e , you get your change in bacon . whoo hoo . moes in this place mothers are for drunk driving . all chug . chug . chug . hey dad , if this is your fantasy world , how come flanders is here . hi diddly , dream team . wheres my god now . homie . were here to find answers to your problem . we know theres a marriage in trouble , and it has something to do with fish . oh , lighten up , marge . i take you to the disneyland of me , and you just want to go to the lost and found . well , guess what . were staying in this dream forever . whoo hoo . wheeee . im in me . oh , i love the down part . here it comes . whoo hoo . unplug these people , dr . ker dork . oh , you foolish man , if i unhook them now , i wont know if this is safe to use on chimps . all right , ill do it myself . give me that , give me it . no . oh , the largeness . quick . gum up the gears with moes . hey , you know whats good for cleaning moe gunk out of your gears . white vinegar . yeah . uh , were goona be here a long time . oh death , youre a life saver . thank you , death . may i ask , whats taken so long with larry king . i am not death . mom .  . grandma so your alive . no . but i live on in homers dreams . just like my hair . its jennifer anistons hair on friends . exactly like chandler , always criticizing . now , i have something to show you . something that just might help homer wake up dry . hmm . wow . roomy . while you boys are out playing in the boat ill go to the store and pick us up some dinner . no need . with two simpson men in the boat will bring you back a pile of fish . im in charge of the tackle box ha ha . and were off bye . man homer , youve always been a loser . why you little theres nothing in this dream world that cant strangle you . um , i hear you and mommy yelling again last night . oh , no , . it was just a tv show . mitch miller was yelling at one of his idiot singers . you just concentrate on catching the fish and not whether therell be someone there to cook it . i got a bite . we got a fish . we got a fish . all right , settle down there , boy . after we eat it , can we let it go . can we catch a submarine . mona you got home hours late with no fish . it was only a few weeks later that i left your father for good . you left him because i tipped the boat over and ruined the vacation . pathetic . a kid who cant keep his parents marriage together is no kid at all . its true . i failed the basic duty of childhood . and then when i took bart fishing , it all came back , and the guilt made me wet the bed . case closed . mm hmm . now , lets return our dream skis . case not closed . hmm . homer , you have nothing to feel guilty about , and i can show you . roll the film , cletus . roll the film , cletus . kiss me , cletus . whatever you say , boss lady . sorry , mona . we had more of an adventure than we planned on . its okay , abe . you brought back the only treasure i care about . and when the time came that i had to leave your father , i knew you were in good hands . im cured . ill never wet the bed again . and maybe youll stop overeating , too . no can do , baby . and never forget , homer the three of us will always be together , in your memory . right next to the movie trivia . stanley kubrick wanted robin williams to star in the shining . casablanca was originally going to star ronald reagan . there was a grease and i wasnt in it . whoa . hey , watch it . there you go again . shazbot . and now youd better run along , sweetheart . good bye . hmm . hmm . huh . whoo hoo . im dry . come on , everybody , feel daddys underpants . well take your word for it . so what do i do again . spin the top . if it falls over , were in reality . if it spins forever , were still in a dream . all right . look at it go . all right . hey , since its a dream , lets ride our bikes naked around town . sounds like a plan . marge is that hail coming down . homer its just dream hail . ow . oh . ow . dream hail . hey , theres a dream truck . ow . springfield . powers out . oh , your father must be sleeping on his side again . from downtown . and it counts . think hes okay . eh thank you . just drink some water , youre all right . oh , yeah , you dont want to go to the hospital at on a friday . whoo hoo . thank god its tgif . mr . burns over p . a . attention , wage worms . its time for afternoon announcements . this monday , the plant will be conducting physical examinations of all employees . and anyone testing positive for narcotics will be terminated immediately . bad news , lang soo . some casual friday this is . youre outta here , drug o . and dont forget , federal law mandates that we consider alcohol a drug . doh . i told them to make these track doh proof . homie . youre home early . well , i didnt feel like going to moes today . thought i might hang out here for as long as i could take it . company physical coming up , huh . yeah , but a weekend without drinking is no big deal . i did it when i was in that alcohol induced coma . so , whats on the agenda . well , were having brunch with my sisters . youre hosting my preteen braves meeting . and were gonna make dreamcatchers out of litter we pick up . you promised to help me write a iku . why did i do that . it sounds so dull and boring . what was i thinking . thank you . huh .  . and you and i were going to study the municipal voters guide . what the . section of article of the state constitution is amended to read section . in the year following the year in which the national census is taken under the direction of congress at the beginning of each decade , the legislature shall adjust the boundary lines of congressional , state senate and assembly districts  liquor , mustnt think of liquor grampas voice hey , there . whats cookin . come on , boy , crack my seal and drink your father . owwww . wait a minute  that feels good . mm . so , a sober weekend hasnt been that hard . let me just take a few antidepressants here . i feel sorry for people without willpower . i truly do . homie , what are you drinking . a surprisingly not horrible fruit drink called a mimosa . theres champagne in those . then theres champagne in me . oh , what am i gonna do . its less than hours till my drug test . maybe i can sweat it out . oh , man , id better have some coffee and iced tea . no . irish and long island . what about this lemonade . mikes hard . then i better soak up the alcohol with some food . whoo . cake . rum cake . crepes . suzette . cherries . whoo . jubilee . wow , passed with flying colors . ive sure earned this . o , lord , i have once again besotted my liver with thy fermented gifts . if you can weasel me out of this physical , i will blow your mind by doing something incredibly holy , at some point . amen . now to mumble in a religious fashion . dear god , o , lord , o , god , o , lord o , lord , o , god , o , lord almighty . hm your cells have been overexposed to gamma radiation . like the hulk . well , sort of like the hulk . but instead of getting powerful , youre going to get very , sick . hulk smash yes , hulk smash . mr . burns , you are liable for thousands of dollars per employee , not to mention my extensive fees which this trapdoor app works like a charm . excellent . lawyer youll still have to pay . this is the last time i pay the price for the irritating mortality of the human worker . smithers , its time to re staff with the super intelligent kangaroos weve been breeding . im sorry , sir , but they just filled their pouches with office supplies and hopped away . even the joeys . you know , sir , there is a more high tech solution . more high tech than kangaroos . ladies and gentlemen , meet the future masters of the human race . comicon nerds . you fool . these are robots . you will train them and they will replace you . i give you permission to shake your fists in anger twice . i didnt say , monty says . now i have cause to terminate . lenny this is crap . now get out . you didnt say monty says . this is no game . excellent . sir , im afraid we do need to keep one human worker  to sign for packages , a scapegoat for meltdowns , things that would be a waste of the robots time . so we need one meat sock on the payroll . but who . mr . burns , before i leave , i got a few things to get off my chest . one , i liked the new microwave in the break room . just push popcorn , you dont have to know how long . two , replacing us with robots is heartless and despicable . three , how about a farewell party with a caricature artist . you know , its something both kids and adults can enjoy . so , to sum up nicely done , we hate you , and food for thought . simpson , wait . as it turns out , there is one job available . but be forewarned , it promises naught but soul crushing boredom . does the chair go back like this . yes . whoo hoo . well , looks like weve found this plants one remaining worker of bone and sinew . sir , i believe there are two , including yours truly . its one , excluding mine falsely . well , surely no robot can replace me . oh . mmm . i can do that . what about this . nice parking , idiot . so , uh , you guys are my new coworkers . so , workin hard or hardly workin . i said , workin hard or hardly workin . workin hard or hardly working .  . working hard or hardly working .  . its a simple question . are you a . working hard or b . ow . i guess i just met the joker of the group . better watch out for you on april fools , am i right . i said , am i right . am i so , you guys have any luck finding a new job . does it look like ive got a job . no , i didnt . homer , show a little more sensitivity around these jobless washouts , eh . hey , i gotta tell ya , im miserable there . im all alone , and when theres some problem due to human error , guess who gets blamed . hey , homer , you know what im playing for ya . the worlds smallest violin . and now i got to sell it , just to make my rent . oh , my god . wheres the bow . i cant sell it without the bow . easy , there , lenny . you can always play it pizzicato . the buyer clearly specified violin and bow . um , maybe i should be heading home . oh , no . he stepped on the bow . boy , this place has gotten so grim . im gonna do something ive never done make myself a drink . ugh . you call this beer . its watered down swill . oh , you got a problem . well , heres the complaint department . moe you know what i think , moe . i think you aint got the guts . ha . missed , ya son of when the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie thats amore when the world seems when you do chair gondola all by yourself , it almost seems stupid . ah , here it is  hydraulic systems flush eeprom bios auto boot conversation mode .  . they can talk .  . i just have to press this button , right well , at least it doesnt feel pain . wait a minute doh . override self destruct protocol with authorization code human interaction mode activated . initiate conversation . will you be my friend . friendship cannot exist between man and machine . but i can simulate interest in your statements . youre not a friend youre my best friend . uh , just dont ask me to drive you to the airport . its no fun to live in a town with a unemployment rate . things are so bad . look at what happened to the man on my pizza box . mr . burns seemed like such a nice man the day he arrived . cheap power , plentiful jobs , and all your swimming holes shall be warm and bubbling . can i pet the elephant . of course . guess ill just have to become beautiful on the inside . marge which he didnt . i aint paying . two of my shortbreads were broken . hey , check it out . lennys hit a new low . i dont want my window washed . too late . i dont want my squeegee wiped . i got what i needed . thats it , boy . live one more day . good morning , class . im your substitute teacher all right , who did that . fine . we will not be reading death in venice today . someones in a mood . barney . hey , if we learned anything from the full monty , its that in a tough economy , ugly people strip for money . do a lot of people pay . no , but i can also play three card full monty . follow the hats , wheres the wiener . follow the hats , wheres the wiener . now you see it , now you dont . so , bart , the little dickens , is going through that phase where young boys think their dads an idiot . sounds like you are having family difficulties . thats exactly what im having . you guys totally get me . we are programmed to respond to your verbal prompts . could you give my wife a few lessons . hmm . your laughter indicates you do not wish us to give your wife lessons . yeah . so , uh , its . time for moes . my watch says . lets go . automated workers are not able to leave the plant . what happened to you guys . you used to be cool . we are the same temperature we have always been . were the same temperature weve always been . our programming restricts our movement to yellow guidance lines . hmm play ball . okay , im up again . according to the on line rules of baseball , all players get a turn at bat . uh , right , . uh , actually , im the designated hitter for all you guys . the designated hitter corrupts the purity of an otherwise elegant game illogical , . fine . dont get your circuits in a bunch . circuit bunching has yielded important advances in modern robotics . to wit shut up . shut up . shut up . hey , dad , can we play . we cannot take the inferior one . my heart makes up for my shortcomings , like rudy . rudy was only put in at the end of a meaningless game . we will notify you if this game becomes meaningless . i got it . i got it . i said ive got it . that couldve been my motherboard lying in the street . our primary directive is to preserve human life . and here i was waiting till you slept to rob you of your copper . you know , its crazy but homer , move away from me . you are still in the road . hush , bionic prince , as i cradle your waning form . such a peaceful end . oh , geez . get out of the road . hey . you stupid jerk . axles to axles , rust to rust , amen . amen . amen . dearly beloved , we are not here to mourn their deactivation , but to celebrate their period of function . can i hollow out this ones head and use it as a turtle tank . no . im already using it to put my keys in . now , let me raise this beer to toast what the . alcohol is harmful to humans . yeah , save your breath . we have no breath . we do vent nitrogen once a year . you do not want to be around for that . doh . i have some adjustments to make . homer when am i getting my power drill back . when im done with my robo botomies . primary directive deactivated . our new primary directive becomes removing all impediments to the plant . uh , homer , im afraid this is the part of gods perfect plan where youre murdered by robots . flanders , i dont judge a robot by the color of their eyes , i look at their hands which have turned into buzz saws . son of a . why did you do that . robots eliminate impediment . eliminate just say kill me , jerks . robots kill him . kill him . dad , they can only go three miles an hour . im doomed . can they climb stairs . with great difficulty . im doomed . robots trying to kill me . and now theyll kill you , cause i led them here . now see here . you are so not the human automatons i was looking for . theres one thing man has that machines can never match hounds . fine , slink away . and guess what . all those times i said youre a good boy , it was a lie . no , stop . ill give you the combination to the num num safe . flee , you fool . arent we getting num nums . ah . the solarium . well be safely cornered in this glass room with one door . stop brandishing me . sorry . before we die , can you tell me how old you really are . well , it has four digits unemployed springfielders to the rescue . and underemployed . to servos with love . guys , thank you . the words prime directive get thrown around a lot these days , but im glad yours was saving me . the saddest part is none of this had to happen . if mr . burns had simply trusted the human worker . or if someone , anyone , had told me that robots were incapable of human feelings . i told you precisely that fact times and his arm can be my back scratcher . well , ive learned the robotic worker is no match for the old fashioned man of labor . youre all hired back as temps . robot homer , why have you reprogrammed me for this . im giving you your wish to be a real boy . i am real and i do not have wishes . then take us out to sea . i am not a transformer . i cannot turn into an outboard motor . oh , i believe you , but flanders drill doesnt . ah , this is the life . hey . theres electric cars , theres electric trains here comes a robot with electric brains robot parade , robot parade wave the flags that the robots made robot parade , robot parade robots obey what the children say . shh . springfield . hey , shut up . dada . okay , whats an appropriate movie for you boys . no . no . oh , heres one . happy little elves two the sequelf . two kids . that movies for babies . eh , watch whatever you want i got you here alive . now im gonna visit the only court i could never be in contempt of food court . now , to save on calories , i wont eat the paper in the fortune cookie . sir , i cant help but noticing that you are very near death . closer than you think . ow . homer  can i call you homer . sure . whats your name . well , im not required to tell you that . homer , how long do you want to live . i heard lenny had a terrible fall . you know who else fell . dr . hibbert . yeah , fallsll getcha . well , i want to help you make it to that glorious day . for money . this is the butt whisperer . cushioned track oh . hydration dock got to have that . built in hdtv loving it . dog walk side path a must . liability opt out button keep em coming . and drill sergeant mode . run , you maggot . faster , you tub of lard . its programmed to my specifications . oh , but i cant afford this . homer , you cant afford a month . no . well , what about ten dollars a day . easy . how was crappy little elves . my friend and i only see it to rank on it . get that stuff off . take a picture first . now . were gonna be checking out a delightful hong kong horror remake known as crawlspace , based on paxing kongjian . well , count me out , jimbo . i dont need to hear how every chick in the movie got what was coming to them . shauna , food for thought if we dont watch movies about torture in crawl spaces , how will we know what to do if someone puts us in a torture crawl space . not if , when . nah , im gonna go see one of those jennifer aniston movies where she rolls her eyes on the poster . mm . babe , you know i dont want you watching a movie by yourself . youre a total perv magnet . aw . so , ill find someone to take you . someone unthreatening . hey , you know our deal chaperones cannot be humiliating . shes got you there . how bout this one . simpson . lets see . no starter stache , temp tat , still has baby teeth at nine and . total pre puber . now , you stay close to my shauna . if someone so much as peels a ladybug decal off her fake fingernails , im blaming you . come on , come on . the best murders always first . man not my eyelids . aniston are you telling me the real reason you started dating me was so you could buy my flower shop . yes . your lease was the last thing stopping me from tearing this place down and building the biggest horse crematorium in manhattan . but none of that matters now . all right , weve seen his ass . lets go . hey , i can hook you up with pinto and black beans . oh , ill do anything for free beans . anything . hey , nametag . do you know who her boyfriend is . jimbo jones . i got to go sort tortillas . corn , flour , corn , no gluten , corn . two stuck together .  . oh , now i got to fill out a form . listen , lady , you do not two time the man with the skull t shirt . jimbo doesnt care about me . he didnt even notice my side braid . oh , that is cool . looks like two snakes trying to kill each other on your head . thats what i was going for . you know , for a second grader , youre pretty sharp . im actually in fourth grade , but i read at a second grade level . they think i might have a problem . wow . kearney why did i see that movie the day before i have to clean the crawl space . come on , boy . weve got to go home . i saved big bucks on the delivery charges . doh . i got to go . hes my ride . not so fast , simpson . fyi , you got another date tomorrow with shauna . why cant you do it . were going to a seminar extracting lunch money from a cashless society . were gonna rob the guy giving the seminar . bart and ill figure out something . yeah . ah . doesnt get any better than this . huh . thats weird , my armpits are getting wet . wow , the tvs hooked up to the internet . you can stream whole seasons of old tv shows . hmm . seen it . seen it . seen it . british version was better . totally scripted . sued it . stranded . whats that . stranded was a show about people marooned on a mysterious island thats riddled with religious and scientific paradoxes . it was huge . well , the first season and the last season . well , islands are always entertaining , from gilligan to iwo jima . a plane crash . wait a minute . that flashback raised more questions than it answered . oh , my god . inside the coconut , my pet cat from when i was little . and on his name tag is the number of our flight . purr gatory . where are we .  . what a great opening episode . and im sure everything they said will pay off handsomely . hmm . ah . huh . lets go . and dont look guilty . young lady , i need to check your purse . i didnt steal nothing . if anything happens to her , ill beat you up from inside your brain . i stole this . you stole perfume . uh , yeah , me . i use it all the time . mi mi you you and i are taking a trip to mall jail . isnt that what used to be the beanie baby store . shut up . this is so cool . you took a fall for me . no ones done anything for me before . uh oh . dont worry . i made sure he cant get too far . id use my legs but ive forgotten how . come with me . hey , the first time we lost maggie was in this store . bart , heres my thank you gift . what could a girl have that i oh , my god . its just like dads . bart , you havent touched your mashed potatoes . more breast . what  no . im offering you a chicken breast , you boob . doesnt anyone here realize im only ten years old . bart , no dinner means no dessert . im just not ready for cookies . you know , i should get back to the treadmill . he exercises so much , but he looks the same . i guess the weight will all come off at once , some day in the future . dont you believe anything homer says . his first word was a lie . who did this . mommy . she did .  . then im gonna withhold affection without telling her why . huh . dont believe anything you were told by me in the past , because that was not me . but this is me now . but in less than a second , ill be gone forever . i might be back . the lava being . thats why they showed a clip of it on previously on . marge homer . youre using your expensive new treadmill just to watch a show that went off the air five years ago . and when i wanted to watch it with you then , you said it was pretentious and repetitive . marge , therere so many mysteries i need to have solved . now , if the korean couple cant speak english , why were they doing a crossword puzzle where the answer to down was enigma spelled backwards . what does it mean . it means use the treadmill for running or take it back . and where will i watch tv . on the tv . and where will i walk .  . on the ground . and where this is the stupidest fight ever . weve had stupider . i dont think so . jimbo hey , fart tholomew . you did a sweet job watching my woman yesterday . so , what do you want to do now . what any boy would push you in a puddle and run away . maybe i should be faithful to jimbo . hes bought me a lot of gum over the past couple months . listen i could get wedgied for this , but jimbos a jerk . you can do better . wow . you told me whats best for me at risk to yourself . come with me . shauna , i forgot to grope you goodbye . at last . this episode promises to finally answer one question . whoo ho marge homie . the kids are away and maggies napping oh , thats great . can it wait another marge oh . she walked away and slammed the door . what does it mean . what does it mean .  . marge it means im mad . oh , thats such a first take answer . april come she will when streams are ripe and swelled with rain may she will stay this ones yours , ralphie . resting in my arms again june shell change your tune in restless walks , shell prowl the night july she will fly and give no warning to her flight simpson , i guess you dont have much respect for me . well , who wears a wool hat to a pool . its not fair . you know thats hilarious . no horseplay in the pool area . this isnt play this is some serious payback . well , thats , um all right , you may have found a loophole . all right , i better check . hello , abby . im not calling about the shift change . god . but , well , since you bring it up , if theres a way to flip saturday with next wednesday simpson , prepare to hey , no running on the deck . im on the grass apron . huh . ugh , everyones a swimming pool lawyer . oh thank god , mom will pound them . why if it isnt jimbo , dorf and ernie . barts not home yet . but im always looking to encourage non milhouse play dates . stick around . oh shauna hey bart . oh , its you . why do men always think with their tongue . i came to help you . then go back to jimbo , and show him every boob youve got . but you told me he was a jerk , and i that i could do better . oh all right . follow me to a place where nerds , dorks and dweebs can gather in safety . this isnt , like , some creepy place under an off ramp . okay , well go to my second choice . now you be careful with barts undies . we will , mrs . simpson . think of this as your personal asgard , and i , the all seeing heimdall , guardian of the gate . all seeing . yeah , whens the last time you saw your feet . oh , thats it . fellow bullies , ive got them . well be right there . youre a bully . a cyber bully . anything i do , it is important that i can lie down while doing it . huh . you just got yourself in a flame war with a teenage girl . oh , flame on . oh . oh . you have cloven me from my ponytail to my slipper shoe . get out . and never return . oh , unless you want to buy old archie comics . are a dollar . thank you all for coming to my stranded discussion group . hey , i loved that show . wasnt it awesome when colonel darkwater spoiler alert . ive only seen up to season three , episode coconut cream die . so you dont know that season five was a complete wank . spoiler . homer , calm down . its not like any of this stuff really took place . spoiler . homer , for god sakes , im trying to put maggie to sleep . im sorry , sweetie . its a strandie discussion group . yes , it is . we discuss why airplane go crash crash but people dont die die . you wanna know what happens on your stupid show . firstly , the mysterious island is miles from long beach . al , doorway three led to hell despite the series creators repeated insistence it did not lead to hell , and the entire strandiverse , is a piece of gravel in a cosmic kitty litter box . thanks , marge . you ruined my show . now , im going to give you a spoiler about our marriage its not great right now . well , since this is a discussion group , lets discuss . i think theyre having a spat . id say its more of a tiff . oh , so im a moron , am i . fellas , i know where this is going . give me all your weapons now . now its time to talk about what carl wants . oh , man , they have every entrance covered . youd have to be a navy seal to get in or out . lisa hello , lovebirds . whoa . what are you doing here . ive been following your storyline from afar , bart , waiting for that inevitable point where you get into trouble you couldnt get out of . perhaps i could broker a settlement . well , thats my boyfriend , but hes a wad . and your brothers not a wad , hes a dink on the road to doofus . here , . ow . the lamb has returned to the slaughter . whoa , you should write that down , man . ill remember it . i dont think shauna should choose any of you . shauna should choose shauna . your older sisters right , bart . you dont want me . i want to find out who i am . and thats something only an inappropriately older man can tell me . well , that is one lucky creepy guy . marge lisa , are you out there in your slippers . come inside . well , bart , i guess thats our cue to skedaddle not so fast , simpson uh , what was that thing i was gonna do to him . told you shouldve written it down . if i wrote down everything you told me to write down , id have no time for punching . whoa , you should write that down , man . lousy marge ruining the delicate relationship between a man and his tv show . id tell my best friend , but thats marge too . marge homie , come in the bedroom . care to join me in a private last episode party . well its okay , dad . hes just putting the fear of god in me . okay , but if this house starts a rockin, , dont come a knockin . have a wonderful evening , sir . purr plexing, , isnt it . homer doh . shh . springfield . here we go again . and i was a boy from school helplessly helping all the rules and there was a boy at school hopelessly wrestling all his rules . sorry , kid , but there comes a day when that just doesnt do anything anymore . announcer stuck in a rut . hmm announcer ready for a change . announcer we built heaven and made it float . royalty cruises , one week away from the everyday . visuals and commercial , if anything , underplay the thrill of actual cruise experience . want , . want .  . bart mom , dad do you know theres a boat out there where nothing sucks . its called royalty cruises , and royalty cruise specialists are standing by now . im sorry , sweetie . maybe we could afford a vacation if some big shot didnt pick up the tab for his buddies at mr . steak . again with mr . steak . do you know why i go to mr . steak . because at mr . steak , they dont get mad at me for ending a lot of money at mr . steak . well , of course they dont . why dont you talk to mrs . steak . there is no mrs . steak . who could stay married to such a man . okay , maybe i can pay for the cruise . lets see how much it costs for a cabin on a low deck . face it , were just kids . we cant afford stuff with zeroes in the prices . all we have in the world are the things our parents give us . hmm bart . theres a really mean squirrel in the backyard . i need you to dare me to fight him . huh .  . barts been raptured . and his craps been craptured . ah why do you want a box of barts baby teeth . doctor says i need more calcium , and i aint tums rich . i sold all my stuff , and its still not enough money for the cruise . just try to enjoy your dinner , sweetie . i cant , i sold my dinner futures . nice doing business with you , boy . homer . its okay . i dont have much of an appetite . im going to floor . bart mom . dad . i woke up and the money jar was full . that means the devil accepted my bargain . now , to uphold my end of the deal . snowball ii . no . we saw how much this cruise means to you , so we all sold something special . and we made just enough for an economy cabin . i sold a couple of my rare jazz records . after a while they all start to sound the same . still love the genre , of course . not even close to getting sick of it . and i sold our good china . really .  . but thats been in your family for generations . yeah actually , my mom stole it from a woman she cleaned for . took her years to get the whole set . and dad donated something , too . what happened to my mini pool table .  . i was training to be a mini pool hustler . we sold it to pay for a family cruise . i never even got to realize this jacket was too small . its weird to hear myself saying this , but i love you guys . this is going to be the best vacation ever . yeah , for you kids , maybe . for dads , a family vacation is a are you wearing enough sun block . is that splashing or drowning . why does every sand castle require my participation . then a kid disappears , and its total panic until you find him at the swim up bar eating a cheeseburger , which he drops in the water . and heres the worst part i never get any time alone with my wife because were all sleeping in the same room . look , thats our ship . oh , im sorry , sir , but your cruise is overbooked . what . i can offer you a cabin on our sugar free fitness cruise . announcer welcome to eight days and seven nights of pushups and kale . well , mr . never wrong was right again family vacations always suck . i called it . called it . homer , this is bad for you , too . worth it to be ri ght . worth it to be ri ght . wait a minute , i can get you back on your original ship , but in a different cabin . upgrade . im sorry , theres been a mistake . this isnt your cabin . double upgrade . all right . i knew it . it was all a dream . no , honey . you just passed out when you saw the private bedroom in our triple upgrade . i actually did it  a perfect vacation . youll never guess how many bath towels they gave us enough . whoo and theres a dvd library of movies that havent been released yet . whoa . greetings , cruisers . im your cruise director , rowan priddis , and welcome aboard the royalty valhalla , where the only rule is always have fun . your every need will be catered to from our toddlers club to condolences , our award  winning luxury morgue . your enjoyment pays my salary , so in a sense , each of you is my boss and as my boss id like to ask you for a week of vacation . a week i will spend here on this cruise , performing my normal duties as cruise director . thats how much i love my job . bon voyage . whoa , a fun schedule . theres so much to do laser tag, , waterslide bobsled oh . ice cream snowball fight starts in five minutes . homie , we actually have the cabin all to ourselves . sex on a family vacation . i never thought such a thing was possible . oh , ho and the ocean will do all of the work . homer ocean sex rules . go to hell , land sex . kidzone . let me guess a broken foosball table and a game of clue missing its candlestick . lisa simpson . our kidzone pre screeners have placed you with our most sophisticated children  kidzone elite . help me study the effects of rising ocean acidity . no , help me tag and release seabirds . its so diverse . ive died and gone to a pbs kids show . two .  . all right , fun schedule , youre about to get did . two diplomats sons are in love with me . who will i choose ghana or portugal . boy , thanks to you , were having fun  before you were born fun . where did the ship stop again . i dont know , a lot of barefoot kids kicking soccer balls , shell necklaces they really hid the poverty nicely . anyplace is fun if youre there with super lips . your names im just glad everyone is having the best week of their lives . whenever we reach the halfway point of our voyage , i like to take a moment to reflect . hit it , gary ocean and the motion . enjoy it while you can ice sculptures, , conga lines , and working on your tan enjoy it while youre here one week of glitz and glam instead of pain and fear in just a few days time , this boat pulls into dock and when it does , you lovely people may be in for a shock here youve made exciting friends back home , youll all lose touch here , hawaiian shirts are cool back home , well , not so much back home , youll be to tired for making magic in the sack so , eat buffet , and play and pray theres some delay on our way back enjoy it while you can here at sea , we drink and frolic back home , thats called alcoholic your futures up but parabolic enjoy it while you can . bravo . yeah , all right . oh , yeah . the songs right . no matter how much fun i cram into this cruise , it only lasts a week . then its back to mom and dad fighting , lisa moping , homework , bullies and a lunch bag sandwich soggy with the sweat of a juice box . after this cruise , for the rest of my life , its all downhill . only good week of my life . haw haw . why cant vacation last forever . ive got to do something . sorry . theres something i see thats even more beautiful than ganymede , lisa . i oh . thats right , io . but no moon of jupiter is as beautiful as you . oh . both purple . this is general william sullivan with an emergency message . im speaking to you from a cdc clean zone . outbreak of the deadly pandora virus is spreading rapidly . precedented threat requires a worldwide quarantine . all ships must remain at sea until further humanity must endure . man a virus .  . woman were stuck on the ship .  . man what should we do .  . theyre buying it . theyre buying it . chillingly plausible indeed , joe morgenstern of the wall street journal . now to make sure no one can call home to check , with a little help from the make your bar . squirt , . mmm . mmm . our attempts to contact the mainland have met with nothing but static . it appears we have no choice  to avoid the virus , we must remain at sea indefinitely . oh , no . were stuck here . bart woo hoo . vacation forever . rowan over p . a . good morning , everyone . as we greet a sunny day after virus . while the world deals with their pandemic , were having a fundemic , under the capable hands of our norwegian captain svalbard . i always knew mankinds hubris would doom us all . ja , he spoke of it often . once we reach our exciting and hopefully virus free destination , romantic antarctica , our activities will include building shelter , hunting for food and starting civilization anew . while supplies may be running a little low , not to worry , as todays delicious buffet features fresh seagull and hull scraped barnacles . in the chuckles comedy club , we have joey scazzazone , with his no longer take on our pre virus lives . hey , so whats the deal with how many starbucks there used to be , huh . i dont know why that bothered me so much . hug your kids . rowan need a break . then dont check out the sensations luxury spa , which is now the stronghold of charismatic cult leader dave the lifeguard . mankind was warned not to run near the pool . mankind did not listen . the virus is his reward . crowd ohm so , remember , rule number one is always have fun , because fun is the only thing that will keep us alive . fun . worthless , . hey , guys , can you believe how awesome this is . if it wasnt for this virus thing , wed all be back at our old sucky lives . instead , youre here , where you can be lovey dovey all the time . come on , kiss . kiss . bart , were too worried to enjoy each others mouths . yeah , and the customer service on this cruise has really gone downhill . drop dead , fat ass . last week , that steward brought me extra shampoo . he called me lovely lady . hey , lis , at least you nerds are still geekin it up . what could be sweeter than a vacation that never ends . sweet . sweet .  . the passengers on this ship could be the last people on earth . like monks during the dark ages , its up to the kidzone elite to make a record of human culture . this group is adapting childrens classics for the stage to entertain generations of survivors . erik , we must work with the humans . you are so naive , charles . we should rule them as conquerors . cant anybody enjoy their forever vacation . check it out . the gallery was gonna throw these paintings overboard , like they were worthless garbage . bart , glad youre here . were all gonna watch a movie together . yeah , a movie . it is about time you guys started having some fun . humanity must endure . general , its worse than we thought . the virus is getting bigger . bart , how could you . uh , got to go . man , i kicked butt in the gladiator arena today . i won the last package of hot dogs on the ship . i got robbed by marauders on the way home . there is no virus . bart faked the whole thing with a dvd . a direct to dvd . you stand accused of letting down your team during music trivia . your fun ishment eight hours in the penal conga line . excuse me , cruise director priddis . my son has something to tell you . speak passenger , son of passenger . it was all a hoax theres no virus . but the warning from the general . that was just treat williams in a virus movie . you know , i thought that general looked familiar . what . im in a lot of movies . i take back everything i said to you that night in the dolphin lab . all that happened is we got a little extra vacation . is that so bad . man i think i ate people meat . i know my son did a terrible thing . but theres a chapel on this ship , and in that chapel theres a book , and it says , judge not , lest ye after this , ill be lucky to get work on a clothing optional jimmy buffett cruise . what about the duty free stuff we bought . never have fun . my booze and cologne . thats fair . sorry . i deserve it . ow . that one really hurt . sorry , sweetie , i just needed to get that out of my system . this stupid prank is the most selfish thing youve ever done . i wasnt being selfish . i did it for you guys , too . lisa , you made friends with kids just like you . mom and dad , you were more happy and in love than i ever saw you . it was the best week of all of our lives , and i wanted it to last forever . choke on my numb blue hands . oh what the lisa hey , up here . you got to see this . oh . lisa from egg to baby to grownup , we can see them living their entire penguin lives from up here . bart what a load of crap . they spend all their time trying to raise a baby , and why . so it can grow up and do the same dumb thing , on and on forever . the penguins life isnt all bad . those ones are having a blast . but the slides just like our cruise a short awesome thing that just shows you how boring the rest of your life is . well , sure , life is full of pain and drudgery , but the trick is to enjoy the few perfect experiences were given in the moment . yeah , stupid . stop thinking about fun and have it . whoa . hey , wait for me . what a great ride . shh . springfield . doh . announcer raise your cards now . oh homer whoo hoo . homer now thats what i call going for a spin . now thats what i call a snappy retort . stop saying what you call things . im trying to watch the movie . welcome to annual conclave of international brotherhood of evil . this years theme evil in the age of social media . we have prepared three breakout rooms for small group discussion . crowd here , . these small rooms are an excellent way for villains to mingle with super villains . but are you sure we will not be bothered by the american master spy stradivarius cain . do not worry about doctor cain . the last i saw him , my beautiful mistress was about to finish him off . yes , thats what i did . you killed him , right . yes , he was the perfect lover of being killed . its a weird sentence , but lets move on . my baker has prepared an edible monument to cains demise . partys over , general . stradivarius cain .  . no . he turned that russian guy into swiss cheese . homer . lucky you , marge . you get to hear em the loudest . youve ruined me for other men . thats my hobby . this is my job . looks like that guys got turrets syndrome . i couldnt have thought of that in lifetimes . swiss cheese marge , how come youre not saying anything . there was enough talking during the movie . this date night was even worse than the date night we saw date night . oh man , marge is pissed . homer look at her flaring her nostrils drumming her fingers making small noises like shes yelling at me inside her head just take me home . thats what she said . lenny another good one . carl youre on fire . skinner attention , students in order to cut down on the rash of embarrassing youtube videos of our teachers , we will be scanning you and taking away your smartphones . kid make sure i get this back . a new low . i shouldve taken that superintendent job in honduras . my own donkey , all the sugarcane i could suck if only i could stomach the upside down question marks . hm .  . hey simpson . let me save you the trouble of putting that money back in your pocket . nelson haw haw . stupid nelson . i hate that guy . my mom says bullies only bully cause theyre scared . nelson your moms next . you make dumb kids , lady . hm . hm . boy , homer , i gotta say , marge looked pretty easy on the eyes last night . and i know eye ease . yeah . uh oh . trouble in paradise . no , just my marriage . both woo honey , its me again . i cant work knowing that youre mad at me . i just wanna hear your voice . and im counting the minutes till the whistle blows , then i go to moes , then i rush home to you . oh . explain this infernal wheel to me again . left for left , right for right . enough of your double talk . excellent . hes alive . smithers , give this man one ibuprofen , uncoated , and send him back to his workstation . sir , simpson has sustained a serious concussion . recent research says you must give him time off to recover . oh , pish . when i was in africa , i had my skull cracked open by cannibals , and im still kicking . sir , that was your partner . you betrayed him to the cannibals . oh , thats right . i have his memories because i ate his brain . mr . burns , you have to give this man something . he could sue us for all weve got . mm fine . eight weeks off with pay . thats a good thing . but you said it so mean . eight weeks paid vacation , and all because of a little bump on the noggin . hey , marge , heres something thatll make you happy . not in the mood . no , this is really good . i nelson took my lunch money again . now , listen , lisa hold that thought . im tuning my saxophone . sharp . flat . sharp . flat . no one will tell me if im a ghost or not . well , i just got got what , homer . uh i got shelbyville radio in my car for a few minutes . homer , im a single mother trying to raise a family here . but youre not just zip it . i have eight weeks paid vacation , and my family doesnt know . whoo hoo . honey , im off to work . you know maybe i should call in sick . we could visit all our old romantic haunts that have closed and turned into temporary halloween stores . i have to take maggie for her checkup . and a guys coming to see what the smell is under the house . i get it . you need your marge time . well , im off to work . flanders ow . ow . my feet hurt , and my neck is cold . krabappel children , i didnt get much sleep last night , because i was up late again , lamenting the choices ive made . haw haw . you cant change the past . just for that , you can go to the principals office , while the rest of the class enjoys a movie day . krustyburger every day thousands of people wolf down his kwazy cuisine thinking theyre getting the nutrients a human being needs to live . but for days , this reporter ate nothing but this jokers deck of carbs . and i say do you want lies with that . oh great . another documentary making me look like a scuzzbag . what is it this time . that the town i sponsor in africa doesnt exist . prove it . film all of africa . day ive gained pounds . as for my cholesterol its bad . you can just scrape it right off . but still i soldier on with my laffy meal . hey , this is all above board . desmond one month of eating krustyburger and nothing else has transformed me into a morbidly obese , toilet busting american . if i dont have some kind of nugget every five minutes , ill die . im so weak i cant even fill out this application for documentary film oscar . desmond but itll be worth it if my suffering teaches krusty the value of proper nutrition . youre gonna be my breakfast english sausage . hm man , when youre not at work , you see so many beautiful things . and now , because its afternoon , i can go to moes without having a drinking problem . hey , homer . i could hear your pathetic rationalizing through the door . well , why cant i hang out at the bar all day . my wife doesnt want to be with me . look , id love to discuss your problems , but a pack of raccoons took over my back room and todays the day i make my stand . moe aah . aah . theres more than i thought . i wish i could pull down my zipper and that guy would come out . cain stranger things have happened , homer . stradivarius cain . what the . am i losing my marbles . no , im just an illusion caused by the concussion you suffered at the plant . can i put my hand through you . if you want . cmon really . show a little class . sorry . now im about to undertake my toughest mission ever to make you into a man your wife cant resist . what the . no one can see you . other peoples imaginary friends can see me . hello , dr . cain . hello , hufnpuffalus . sorry i slept with your girlfriend . you did me a favor , man . lunch money , lunch money , lunch money . hey , lis . nelson , dont you want my lunch money . nah . chicks wind up getting all your money anyway . thats sexist , but thank you . now i gotta go liberate some cash from your brother . well , if you must . see if you can find out where my dolls are . you might not like the answer . i just want closure . simpson , you know why im here . nelson , i could give you my lunch money or i could give you lunch . actual lunch .  . look at all them burgers and fries . i didnt know they served these things warm . aw they feel like a babys head . i just thank god you didnt take my coupons . got enough for a month . free hamburger .  . mmm mmm . no , you give them the coupon , and they give you the hamburger . i knew that . i must say , whoever installed your cars secret weapons did a great job hiding them . yeah , dr . cain , the thing about that is uh , there arent any weapons . what .  . well , does your car at least turn into something else . sometimes marge says i turn it into a trashcan . hmm . homer , you are going to clean up this car , put on cologne , and become a sparkling conversationalist . sounds like youre turning into wife number two . i can do that . so , stick with marge . whoa , whats going on there , lou . well , if you ask me , chief all right , what does this mean . childhood obesity its not funny anymore . breakfast cereals where the surprise inside is diabetes and soda cups the size of hot tubs have made every state mississippi fat . mmm mmm . thats nelson . no , youre imagining things . what else you got . just bubbling oil . stand back and give me a straw . now , the ultimate test i want you to convince that woman to give herself to you body and soul . but im a married man . yeah , i know . a married man is never attracted to a beautiful woman he doesnt even know , but this will give you the confidence you need with marge . okay , ill make a stranger love me forever . and homer , remember it doesnt matter what you say as long as you say it with confidence . mm hmm . my dear , did you just fall from heaven . cause your hair looks really messed up . okay , it matters a little what you say . moving on you know what wood makes the best ventriloquist dummy . maple . how many hardboiled eggs do you think i can eat . look , just say this mm hmm, , . mm . when i was in special ops , they held me in an afghan prison where all i could see was a patch of blue sky . but that blue was nothing compared to the blue of your eyes . oh i am a sucker for articulate fatsos . homer looks over at cain , who smiles and nods . man what is this . i leave for two seconds to get chocolate martinis , and my wife is expertly seduced by this pork empanada . what do i do . squirt that lemon in his eye . you think a lemon will stop me .  . a lime . no . did you see the guy . marge , what brings you to the s . n . p . p .  . homies been working so hard . i thought id bring him a special lunch . marge , youre a blue angel . and im not talking about those pilots that hot dog in an air show while the real men are in combat . but i gotta ask wheres homer working . here , right . not since burns gave him that time off . what is this . week six . what .  . i knew there was a reason he was leaving on time . oh , i cant believe this . whatd you say to her . i dont know . i thought i was making small talk . but it turned out to be big talk . what .  . krusty . this once vibrant young bully wont even live to pick on kids in junior high . because hes been eating nothing but your food . atta boy . got any fries , man . i just need a couple . not my responsibility . he didnt have to order that crap . weve got yogurt and salad on the menu . do you actually serve those items . no . mmm all right , kid , to make this right , im gonna hook you up with my personal trainer . billy , get this kid into superhero shape . hugh jackman wolverine . im not made of money . alicia silverstone batgirl . hes that now . busy day at work . did you get a lot of work done , workerman . what do i do . what do i do .  . take her by those shoulders she never covers and tell her the truth . youre right , marge , i lied . dont give me that load of huh . i got a head injury at work , and they gave me eight weeks paid vacation . head injury .  . why didnt you tell me . and i spent all that time learning how to be a better husband . the kind of husband you deserve . wha . kiss her . kiss her while i watch . mmm homer the three of us are going to the most romantic restaurant in town . this cars so clean . im not getting flea bites on my ankles . i have bug bombed the car for mlady . marge whoo . whoo . we meet again . looking for this . he wont be out for long . flee , my love . why is he trying to kill you , and why did she call you her love . it was all a training exercise to make me smooth for you . of course , she fell for me , and of course , i wanted no part of her . now the only one who can help us is stradivarius cain . the guy from the movie . ill explain later . strad , come back . i know youre in there . no . not you . big fan , but no . cleatus the football robot , youre my only hope . no one likes you . drug lord how can a fat man hide so well . strad , where are you . you can handle him , homer . just remember what i taught you . when i was in special ops , they held me in an afghan prison where all i could see was a patch of blue sky . but that blue was nothing compared with the blue of your eyes . i cannot kill a poet like you . and you are a very lucky woman . this is why i always say mingle at parties . its how i met greg kinnear . ay . with the greg kinnear again . cant friends talk about friends . he is not your friend . then why did he say hed call me when he comes to bolivia . we used to be like them . mmm . so , how many more weeks do you have off . actually , i was supposed to be back last week . well just wait for the call from human resources . i guess my work here is done . but stradivarius cain will return in lisa gets a b plus . i knew you were mad at me . at the risk of inflaming sister fate , this bully free period has been an arcadian idyll . here , . idyll . ha ha . i administer with this nose . this is a happy ending . well , hes tough on nerds , but easy on the eyes . whatd you just say . nothing . shh . springfield . director okay , people , we are trying to depict the sizzling final days of the nathan lane of the new testament , jesus christ . now remember , this is the passion play , not the phone it in play . not the i once had three shows on broadway simultaneously but i blew all my money on coke and now here i am play , so lets do this thing . hi . my name is milhouse van houten , and i am auditioning for the role of child who points . yeah , okay , point stage left . i prepared right . well , i better get going . this is starting to feel a little churchy . why do we have to audition for the stupid play , and dad gets to leave . i already have my part . man who buys ticket , but doesnt show up . also , the passion play isnt stupid . its the greatest story ever told . maybe it was once , but now theres lots of better stories . hitler mashups . and lennys story about cancun . yeah , why arent we doing lennys story . that things hilarious . not so hilarious for me . i nearly lost a toe . thats what you get for having a monkey give you a foot massage . my bucket list is my business . next audition . ah ha . names ned flanders . credits include jesus in the passion play last year , jesus in the passion play the year before that , jesus , a kindly hobo who turns out to be  you guessed it  saint peter enough . enough , already . im so bored im ready to introduce myself to my two assistants here . you will be a non speaking pharisee . but but jesus didnt stammer . his voice hit the back of the theater . he was a god who turned water into wine and did not wear shoes . oh . he said simple things that many followed . just like me on twitter . and he was tragically killed while still in his s doh . after an all night dinner . woo hoo . im your jesus . me . boom . done . this guys perfect . you understand why god would have forsaken him . well , congratulations , homer . i guess this is just my cross to bear . whats that a reference to . oh . oh , nice and roomy . our lord sure knew how to keep em cool . dad . yes , sweetie . first of all , congratulations on getting the lead . whee . whee . i just hope youre going to take this seriously . oh , yes , lisa . very seriously . whee . dad , the story of the passion is the cornerstone of the christian faith . and although i personally follow the enlightened teachings of lord buddha , messing with jesus really gets people mad . its like wearing a florida state jersey to a florida game . o lord , why have you placed this fearsome burden on my shoulders . itll be fine . just learn your lines . does jesus have a big part in this thing . hes in every scene . what . why do i succeed at everything i audition for . dear lord , i know you see all , but trust me , you do not want to see this . and so our lord was brought before pontius pilate . whats he in for . he calls himself king of the jews . oh , boy . okay , be straight with me . you can probably plead this down to crucifixion . do you call yourself king of the jews . thou sayest it . hes good . wow , im so moved i renounce science , with the facts , and the peer reviews , and the hypotheses tested by evidence . what shall i do then with jesus , which is called christ . crucify him . they cannot judge me . only my father can judge me . crucify him . ill take you with me , old man . jesus was handed a heavy cross , and upon his brow was placed a crown oh . of thorns . what the . daughters of jerusalem . weep not for me , but weep for yourselves . you know , homers giving it the old bible college try . maybe i shouldve dialed down the doubting thomas . silence , pharisee . looks like someone didnt follow the underwear rule . this man is totally the son of god . tonight you shall be at my right hand in heaven . all right . it pays to network at these things . jesus cried again with a loud voice and yielded up his spirit . lord , forgive me for my pride . all wise as always , you have rightly raised homer above me . never again will i question out of my way , stupid flanders . ow . ah , i knew we shouldve done spamalot . im not licked . ill just make them think this was planned . whos to say this didnt happen whos to say and curtain . diddily doodily no atheist blood , please . sorry , maam , only members of the immediate family allowed in . its okay . shes my wife . ned and edna , married . thats right . ha . crowd wow . oh , my goodness . hey , dad . you remember when you said if flanders got remarried youd eat your hat . uh oh . oh , licorice . mmm , historically inaccurate . well , it was nice having a secret marriage while it lasted . well , sir , now well have an open marriage . um you do know what that means . no , but im sure newt gingrich wouldnt steer us wrong . at least in the hospital we can just enjoy a nice , quiet moment together . congratulations , you two . were so , happy for you . welcome to marriage . another good man bites the dust . homer . im talking about this guy . oh , i sure envy him . homer . i mean , i envy flanders , once again enjoying the joys of marriage . lets put it to a vote , america . enough with the voting . ned , edna , why didnt you tell us . cause everyone in this town makes such a big heckabaloo out of everything . nedding bells are ringing . see what happens when teachy met preachy on channel your source for news based puns . i was just down the hall getting some very bad news , and i saw there was a party going on . congratulations from the mayor . vote quimby . many happy returns . hope youre both happy . edna , as the runner up in the race for your heart , i would like to make a toast . my dearest , let me be the first to offer you the hearty handshake that wouldve climaxed our own wedding day seymour , did you use my wig glue to patch your shoes again . i tied them together with used dental floss , as per your memo . everybody out . now . not you . mmm . o lord , please bless our blended family . and thank you for cigarette mommy . oh , honey , please dont call me that . okay , do over mommy . boys , you will please call your new mother whatever she feels comfortable with . how about edna . its disrespectful to call a grown up by their first name . bart yo , homer , mom says get your fat ass over to the flanders . bart . dont call me that . which one . homer or fat ass . homer why , you little theyre both bad , and i suspect you know it . bart get your hands off of me , you fat ass . ned , edna . we just want to apologize for the commotion in your room . people here do not respect boundaries . homer , did you just buckle your belt through my loop . sorry . well , were here to offer to throw you a little party in your honor . a little party might be fun . the only guests at our wedding were neds parents . look at those squares , makin it nice and legal . we didnt need a piece of paper . we had a paper , nedward . we just rolled it and smoked it . oh , yeah . we got high diddily on that reeferino . less news from the pews . okay , simpsons . well , call me a cock eyed optimist cause i think some sort of celebration party might possibly be fun . great . well take care of everything . well just need to borrow your punch bowl , your portable dance floor , your banner printer , banner ink , and a ream of blank banners . okay , theres no school your dads at work and its really coming down . anyone for scrabble . only god can make words . right , . yahtzee . dice are satans bones . what the hey , mrs . k . thank god , a real kid . you want my advice on dealing with the hardly boys . why do you care . i dont . im just bored watching worms drown . okay , what do you got . well , what you got to do is get them into the real world . skipping is cool . especially when youre holding hands with your brother . if you dont act now , when they grow up , people like me are gonna take all their money and girlfriends . oh , come on . theyre not that hopeless . im doing it . im doing it . this is my third favorite wedding supply store . whoo . look at these . extreme weddings . triathlon zero g tie the knot at the top of mount everest . its extreme enough for me when they smear the wedding cake on each others faces . so , marge , the rumors are true . why did you get to throw a party for ned and edna and not me . well , youre all invited so you can make your snippy comments while you eat my hors doeuvres . snippy . how can you say that in those shoes . they have itchy and scratchy weddings . ready to go home , ned . im sorry , honey , but im stuck in this meeting of the springfield lgbt . the left gifted bidextrous and transhanded community . were trying to decide on the theme for our left is right parade . ourcissors , ourselves . how about , death to righties . we have to live among them . to live among them is to die . oh , this could go late . we havent even ordered pizzas and pop yet . could you handle rod and todds parent teacher conference for me . sure , id love to be the parent for once . now i can bring a latte and leave the cup on the desk . ha . sorry . im still a pre op transhander . teacher well , i must say at this school weve never seen a step parent before . look , im a chalk jockey , too , so dont slap ketchup on bread and tell me its pizza friday . you teach with that mouth . yes . i teach at springfield elementary , and we believe that public school . well , ill be a monkeys unrelated creature . well , fit you into our school prayers . you do have science here , right . we sure do . behold advanced astronomy . you pulled the boys out of school . ned , i know i should have consulted you , but that school is beneath them . take my word as a teacher of years . well , sir , when we got married , i knew id find some spices in my chili . i guess they can go to springfield hellementary . oh . mm hmm . why are we here , neddy . well , first of all , i think talking dogs are the spawn of the devil . yeah , but secondly , were watching my little toddy graduate from college . oh , now arent you glad you let edna take charge of the boys education . yep , its lucky shes not in my taxes cause i underestimated her . wait a minute . liberal professors , feminist workshops , abstract sculptures . this isnt a midwestern bible college . this is an elite east coast university . its okay , daddy . i majored in religious studies . whew . comparative religious studies . give me your keys . maybe ill just park it myself . why are you parking yourself . why are you parking yourself . we havent taken in one car all day . you really put on a great reception , marge . its like the happy flashback in a gritty cop thriller . thank you . everyones having a great time . uh oh . helen , have a canap . theres enough for everyone . but not too much . yar no weird hookups . call me . im married to the sea , and im seeing two of the great lakes on the side . i wont say which ones , but its eerie how superior they are . so how do the boys like springfield elementary . marge , its wonderful . theyre opening up , theyve seen a wider world . i wrote with a flair pen . well , thats just great , boys . now come over here so mrs . simpson can take a photo . make sure our temporary tats are in the picture . mines a sassy princess who speaks her mind . oh . mines a duck with no pants . what if we were raptured right now . ned , i said it was okay . yeah , chillax , daddy . chillax . young man in the flanders house we speak the kings diddily . time for cake . lets finish this sucker up . you get my boys tattoos , you change their school , you buy rod sneakers that light up like times square . shoes are shoes and lights are lights . now just when do i get a say in how my boys are raised .  . this marriage isnt perfect . no video . party over . cake . too late , marge . mm . ned , these boys trust me to be their mother . youd better decide whether you do . and thats that . another story in the classic , infallible three act structure . good enough for aristotle , good enough for the simpsons . mr . syzslak , i have a feeling theres gonna be one more act to this story . well , im not hanging around for that . four acts ned , how did you sleep . fine , i guess . thanks for loaning me your pajamas , homer . and marge , thank you for those helpful chip bag clips . i just felt so ashamed , i couldnt go home . yesterday i gave in to the one thing i vowed i would never have in my marriage strong feeling . heres your lunches with some cake . youll be having cake for a long , time . bart , arent you gonna tell mom and dad about the problem you have . shut up . im just saying it wont get better unless you talk to an adult . maggie knows how to keep a secret . why cant you . bart , is there something you want to tell us . oh , marge , let the kid have his embarrassing secrets and lies . that is totally irresponsible parenting . not according to the internet . where on the internet . im sure some idiot somewhere agrees with me . why would you believe him . because his avatar is darth maul , the second coolest darth . and what he says is true because its in all caps . are you gonna argue with caps . why does that make it right . he took the time to press the shift key , marge . i think he knows what hes talking about . so after all this time together you two still havent agreed on how to raise your kids . ned , i realized long ago there are some things homer and i will never completely agree on . yeah , but we make sure never to go to bed hungry . its angry . dont tell me what our thing is . its about not agreeing on something . ive always said hungry . bart , just tell us the problem . im keeping a dolphin in my bathtub . i thought i heard clicks and pops . children , your test scores are down because weve been having so many assemblies , you havent had time to study . this assembly will remedy that . weve invited a few friends over to give you some musical cues . im sally scantron sheet . and im peter pencil . now , you didnt hear it from us , but the answers to the test are a , b , d , c , a , b are you just giving them the answers . they still have to sign their names properly , so were not totally out of woods . pause the assembly . i have to talk to my wife . ned . my rival . some rivalry . its like secretariat versus a can of dog food . edna , im sorry and ill say it in front of god or groundskeeper willie . oh , ned , im sorry , too . i overstepped your boundaries . i guess i never really truly cared about children before . oh , get over it . and ned , ill be exactly as much mom as you want me to be . hey , the simpsons make it up as they go along , and theyre as happy as a ribbon in a bible . what do you say , sweetie . ha . mmm now in our th location in springfield . sleazy sam would like to welcome our special grand opening star , jesus . welcome , money changers . you can trust sleazy sam for the best rates , or my name isnt jesus h . ow . are you gonna do that every time i open one of these . singers hens love roosters , geese love ganders everyone else loves ned flanders ned my mustache is bristly , my letters are epistly and i dont want to mislead you i like to hug and kissly edna ha . first base , yo , i like christian rap a bible on my lap homer will you stop this stupid crap . i want to take a nap . ned okely dokely . shh . springfield . narrator see that town . goes by the name of springfield . birthplace of the brass knuckle , the nigerian prince scam , and putting a tomato on your grilled cheese sandwich . our story begins not long ago on what seemed like a typical day . ralphie , please . thats not for people , son . aw , hes a dumb kid , but hes an above average dog . roll over , son . yay . aw , nobody saw . narrator but little did they know , a change was coming . first , the creatures of the earth sensed it , then the fish of the deep . then the mormons got a heads up . and then everybody else . strange doins , mother . horses are spooked , cows aint milkin , and look what the chickens laid . farmwife sparkle eggs .  . storms a comin . aint no storm , pa . its the lady gaga express . pistons shes a . shes a . shes a . shes a . presenting the queen of the hottieverse , appearing courtesy of interscope records , lady gaga . at ease . conductor , you know the rules . take off some clothes . oh , uh , yes , maam . sorry , maam . now , whats our status . we are about to pass through uh , springfield . springfield . whats their deal . hm , lets see , quiet suburb really . aw thats so sad . and as entertainers , it is our solemn duty to cheer them up for a little while . gaga , its my job to keep you away from ugly bumps on the map like springfield . dont worry , well get you right on a plane . no . dont you remember what happened at laguardia . ready . yeah , well , uh , you missed your flight . then well party on the boarding ramp . wait . i quit . we spend minutes training em and off they go . i just cant ignore a billboard in pain . were stopping in springfield . but no buts . narrator well , lady gaga couldnt arrive soon enough for one lisa simpson . now lets turn to the ever unpopular popularity awards , the awards voted by students , in judgment of their peers . no way that can go wrong . first up , campus clown . bart simpson . thats my brother . four years out of four . prank you . prank you very much . bart call back . i fail to see the honor in this . arent awards shows rather silly . what .  . without awards shows , how would i know what movie has the best beheading , or that glee is a comedy . and now the award for least popular student . lisa simpson . what . least popular . i gotta go . you probably should accept it , lisa . theyll go easier on you if you do . um thank you for noticing me . she actually accepted it . you said theyd take it easy on me . i know very little about children . weve got to cheer up a whole town . wheres the dress i wore when i met the pope . its nice , but i saw jennifer lopez wearing it . burn it . burn it now . man help . help . ive been on here since chicago . i just want my life back . no negativity . oh , youre right . im missing a terrible winter . and thats how berber carpet got its name according to some . lisa , how was your day . um , can i be excused from holding up my end of the conversation . whats wrong with her . she just found out no one likes her . i thought she knew . hey , lisa , maybe youd feel a little better if you read the daily fourth gradian message board , huh . lets see . uncensored jump rope chants . oh , theres a whole thread labeled lisa simpson . wha . ay carumba . somebodys actually on your side . lisa doesnt judge other people . why should we judge her . its signed , truth teller . whoever this truth teller is , im a fan . it takes a lot of courage to post nice things anonymously . you know , it seems like more than a coincidence that milhouse brought it to our attention . hm . well , i certainly wish i was truth teller . but if i was , youd know , because i cant keep a secret . i sleep under my bed every night cause im scared of the cars from cars . if gasoline is their food , then why do they have teeth .  . so , lisa , i guess youre not as unpopular as we thought . yep . message boards are never wrong . well , um , maybe we should skip rope together . dutch . both double dutch . forgive a fool her tears . hey , lis , some fifth graders are having a make your pizza party at flesh in pizza , and wanted me to invite you . fifth graders . oh la . they get to put their desks in a circle . and read books where the parents are divorced . that joint is jumpin . so , whens the party . lisa rocks , and so does her rock collection . huh . thats mine . this notebook is full of things truth teller said . give that back . this one says post next friday . oh , my god . youre truth teller . lisa , what you did is like my mom sticking ten bucks in her own g string . truth teller . more like lie smeller . kids lie smeller . lie smeller . oh , great , it stuck . take five . hey , easy on the soda . i dont want gassy demons like last night . jerry . wait a minute no . no , . brrr make it stop . oh . oh someone in springfield needs my help . light up the after bras . thats it , i am off of this stuff . me , too , sweetheart . kids . yes , mama . no exceptions . kent brockman reporting live from the springfield rail yards , where lady gagas fabulous freighter has bumped and grinded its way into town . suffice it to say , this is the most culturally significant train to stop here since the mckinley funeral cortege paused to pick up casket ice . now , sweetie , dont make a big deal out of this . i stopped reading after top student . want to honk your jazz tube . oh , what is the point . i think this is the end of me . all i had was my integrity . and now thats gone . im sorry , im so sorry . i try not to cry till youre asleep . i appreciate that . look , if i could just spend a few days in my room without anyone trying to cheer me up , i think i might have a chance to hey , why dont we go see lady gaga . thatll turn your frown upside down . its not a frown . it is a straight line of resignation . looks just the same upside down . what are you talking about . y youre right . voop . voop . voop . voop . dad , if you really want to help , please stop trying to help . i will , but you know me and my crazy number thing where i always have to get to . voop . voop . voop . voop . voop . voop . voop . voop . voop . voop . voop . voop . whoops , i lost count . better start again . voop . voop . voop . voop . crowd gaga oo . gaga ra . come on , lisa , come on . im sorry , i dont really want to be here . claws up , springfield . never forget , youre all my little monsters . uh , actually , im half monster , half armenian . pick your poison . and you should love yourselves as much as i love you , because tell us in song . because with theatricality . come on , i woke up for this . crowd four . three . two . where are they going with this . crowd one . ah . when theyre young all little monsters learn that they are scary ugly , stupid , shunned by cupid , overweight and hairy but every monster needs to find that secret deep inside that transforms dr . jekyll into sexy mr . hyde all my monsters are beautiful disco stu tiful square root iful old coot iful i love you , lady zsa . monsters dont need implants or a bitchin monster car monsters only need to love the monster that they are oh , yeah gaga dada jawa peace . ew . whoo hoo . whoo . whoo . whoo . bart all right . lie smeller . lie smeller . does everyone love themselves . that kind of thing sounds hollow from anyone but you . now , we have to get going . wait a minute . no . no , . gaga you . whats wrong , honey . please , ive had enough attention for one day . yo , lighting . i cant see the girl whos had enough attention . we should go to your house and talk . incognito . oh , god . psst . its me , gaga . but no one must know . hoodie voice chip gaga . gaga . gaga . so peaceful . just the buzzing of the paparazzi . hey , gary . hows your wife and kids . still ashamed of me . big smile . this is where i live . well , hello . its one of those music industry superstars whos turning our innocent children into ladies of the night . what sweater drawer did you crawl out of . names ned flanders , ive heard of you . havent seen so much skin since shedding season on a snake farm . but all im saying is that everyone is beautiful yes , but jesus said that pretty much the same thing . darn it , the bible said the devil would be attractive . what makes you think im the devil . unless youre gonna slap some wieners on those , turn em off . jokes on you i needed a trim . bastards . lisa , look at me . so what if your number one supporter is you . thats how it should be . i had some very tough times myself before i became a superstar at age . everything is gonna be fine . you better yet . sorry , gotta answer this text . please , take your time . you know what you need . solitude . flash mob . now , lisa , if that didnt fundamentally change who you are , i dont know what . you idiots . she meant we should disperse . lisa , you un tattooed little miracle , im not leaving here until i restore your sense of hope . let me explain . i have a chance for a grim but tolerable life , but only if i give up hope . now if you dont mind , and with all due worship , i would like to be alone . lady gaga , meet your biggest threat baby googoo . can i please be alone . well , it worked once . so , any ideas about lisa . i never have any idea what to do for lisa . to be the mother of someone whos so smart and so sensitive and who beautifully plays an instrument i dont really care for , its so hard . i wish i was one of those young women who could just wave their hands in front of their eyes and not cry , because it doesnt work for me . marge ah oh . aah . oh . marge . marge . marge . hm marge , take it easy . its just human contact . im afraid handholding isnt going to cheer me up . well , maybe this will . homer . wow . wow . this is like the night hillary won the new hampshire primary . lisa snuck out . im going after her . what are you gonna say . homer whoo . mm . ill just tell her that stop it , homer . some of that meat is me . can i just trim the hem . its yours . oh , good . shes playing . not so good . its lisa roulette . dont let her get you . her eyes shoot loser lasers . there is no over the . there is no over the . run . with an egg that big , theres gotta be an even bigger chicken . lisa . lisa , listen to me . this pity partys being shut down by the smile police . heres what youre gonna do . why do you keep telling me what im gonna do . this isnt about me . well , who else would it be about . you . its about hello , springfield . its me , gaga . why is everyone looking at my purple hair full of bluebirds . well , i denounce thee . wha . i denounce thee for giving people ambitions they cannot fulfill . and i denounce thee for positing a world where social acceptance and walking on heels are easy . please , may we kill the kid . i denounce thee . i denounce thee . i denounce thee . whoa , easy , little monster . dont monster me . whatever you say . are you crying glitter . tiny diamonds . hurts like hell . gaga , homer okay lisa , coming up to make things better . okay , im almost there . upward , ever upward . stay hydrated oh , im on the wrong tree . okay , try again . here we go , okay . oh lisa , can you come down . sweetie , ive been thinking . now , this all started because you used a fake name to defend yourself . the problems not that you were cheating . its that you got caught . i cheat on my diet , but nobody knows cause the damage is on the inside , and the first warning sign is sudden death . so , honey , what do you say . dad , thank you . like always , the fact that i could tune you out without fearing id miss out on something gave me the time to take stock and realize how ungrateful i have been . which means , ive got a train to catch . parenting . its the one job you know youre always doing right . so long , springfield . you are my waterloo . and now im just going to lie in bed and eat fruit roll ups . why is she doing in defeat what i do in victory . gaga . lisa . why are you here . to thank you . for what . look at me . you did help me by allowing me to inappropriately focus eight years of rage and rejection on you . it was like a great sneeze . and now i can say whats good about me . and i can say it as lisa simpson . just not that loud . go ahead . well , i am smart , nice , tolerant , funny but not mean funny , and i never forget a birthday , even for kids who move away . now , lisa , theres only one last thing you have to do to be a little monster . ill do anything but sing . you are gonna sing . i used to think that i was stupid worthless , weak and wrong a mockingbird without a song i was small inside and lacking pride on a one way train to be milhouses bride end the song . end it right here . i love npr and jazz guitar someday ill design a solar car thats right , im lisa simpson , superstar . youve got a great big heart its at the top of my chart both lisa simpson , lisa simpson lisa simpson superstar lisa simpson , lisa simpson lisa simpson superstar youre a superstar wait , . wait . can you help me with my self esteem . im not that good . right , gotcha . lisa and the best thing is , even if they werent waving , it would be okay . narrator i bet a lot of folks are wondering , did this story really happen . well , it did . and i know because i was one of gagas dancers . the one with the spangliest crotch . higher . narrator im speaking fast because im so excited . see maggie simpson in her first starring role in the longest daycare in d before ice age continental drift only in theaters . weve already done the hardest part making the poster . homer i love my homer face yeah , thats what i said right where it should be on the front of my head stubble , muzzle , overbite , two eyes that really bug these are the components of my homer riffic mug doh doh , ohhh i shave it close , trim hairs from my nose doh doh , ohhh i clean my ears , cause thats how i hears i like my , i like my i really like my homer face . shh . springfield . springfield . its a . m . you kids should have been in bed a half hour ago . were watching the nobel prize announcements live from stockholm . oh , the nobies . for economics jagdish bhagwati . huzzah . i had him in the pool . homer lucky . quiet . its time for the noblest nobel prize of all the peace prize . i would kill for that . and the nobel prize for peace goes to isnt this exciting . krusty the clown . brockman and now , to comment on joining the ranks of martin luther king , jr . ghandi , and desmond tutu , heres the man who always parks in my spot , krusty the clown . id just like to say this thing is worth nearly two million dollars . how do you like me now , teen choice awards . kent brockman , channel six , and channelsix . com . will you be flying to norway to accept the prize . im looking forward to visiting the arctic circle , or as i call it , my wifes side of the bed . for the purposes of that joke , im married . hey . you . big chief laugh at . meet me in my limo in five minutes . arctic circle  i just got that . all right , all right , settle down . homer , youre the easiest laugh i know . how easy am i . shut up . im gonna need you in the audience when i accept the peace prize in oslo . can my son come , too . he knows what to do when i swallow my tongue . eh , why not . they fight and bite they fight and bite and fight bite , the itchy and scratchy show . they fight and bite . i never go to europe without learning something . now listen , i need you two to hold these for me . your drugs put me to sleep . your drugs wake me up . if i ask you to give me more , you say no . if i ask you again , you give em to me . why arent i going to oslo . the nobel prizes are my freakin thing . but no , bart gets everything because hes the oldest , and hes a boy . and maggie gets whats ever left over , because shes the youngest and shes a baby . meanwhile , i just stand and wave to people going to better places . would half a bottle of confiscated water cheer you up . ew , no thanks . oh . quite the little princess , aint she . im just gonna chill out with a little this american life . im ira glass . remember when you were five years old , putting ketchup on your hot dog . today , in five acts condiments . act one , mustard . act two , mayo . act three , relish . act four , corn relish mom , this isnt the way home . maybe were not going home right away . oh , i get it . lisa they go to oslo , we get some ice cream . well , you could get some ice cream , or spend a week at performing arts camp . whoops  didnt time that quite right . oh , my god . mom , thank you . i just need my did you really think id forget . now have a great time . victory for the middle child . aw , you think i forgot you . babies shouldnt jump to conclusions . hello . hello . huh . i love the elegant pearls you wear and the starfish shape that constitutes your hair youll be staying in cabin and we think that youll be very happy there . campers youre gonna like arts camp , lisa marge paid with her debit visa arts , education youre gonna like arts camp , lisa marge paid with her debit visa arts , education youre gonna like arts camp , lisa marge paid with her debit visa arts , education youre gonna like arts camp , lisa marge paid with her debit visa man knock , . lisa , im kurt , and this is ethan . were the counselors  slash musical directors  slash community outreach liaisons  slash counselors . kurt you said counselors twice . ethan we do a lot of counseling . yeah , but we dont do twice as much counseling . well , dont question me in front of the children . she cant hear us , were stage whispering . i can hear you . no , you cant . okay , lisa , lets get your camp t shirt . all our camp t shirts are medium well , i hope you wear medium , girl  huh . we should also find you a meal plan . meal planning lady plan my meals , baby do you guys always do that . do what . sing what you just said , then play a little guitar riff . no , we dont do that we never do that well , we sometimes do that but very infrequently , lady . how bout that airline food , huh . they shouldve called it chicken cordon blech . another good one . huh . wait a minute this doesnt look like oslo . where are the wood stave churches . historic akershus fortress . you are not in oslo . you are in holland specifically , the hague . did you say a hague . i said the hague . whats going on . wheres my nobel prize . there is no prize . it was merely a ruse to get you to europe , so we could try you for the terrible crimes youve committed on this continent . it was all a setup . you gotta read me the charges . you dropped a monkey from the eiffel tower uh huh . in greece , you committed something called aggravated hey hey forgot about that one . and here in holland , you stole the entire act of our beloved clown van kru sten . u bestolen al mijn jokenchortles . gaah . oh , wait a minute , wait a minute . one of the most important skills a performer can learn is dealing with hecklers . and action . top of the evening , officer krupke . your dogs dead . um thats not really a heckle . right , yeah , right . ive seen more life in the wellington botanic gardens . that is a heckle , but if youre not from new zealand , it loses some of its sting . how much . well , most of it . do you think they wont know the reference . if they did know the gardens , then they would know that theyre teeming with life . so , what do you guys do when youre not camp counselors . were highly successful artists . and as artists , we live in springfields most artistic borough sprooklyn . we spend our days acting and painting dancing and sculpting playing my gibson rehearsing my ibsen . because , you see , young artists , are the people who hold up a mirror artists make society see its faults clearer artists help stamp out oppression and wars and when we camp outdoors we make the best smores . three layers , mother nature . mmm yeah , . artists end poverty with music and dance artists make art on the beaches of france i never knew artists were all so amazing excuse me while i talk to this cow that is grazing i give art like you give milk everyone listens when artists are talking cause artists are smarter than mr . stephen hawking oh , yeah . break it down for me , fellas . a brief history of rhyme . do you think that i could be an artist in the city . hold on , lisa , let me check with the committee so , what do you guys think . hawking yes . i agree . yes , lisa , you could be an artist in the world so move to the city when youre less itty bitty, , girl to the gritty city when youre less itty bitty, , girl the citys pretty gritty for an itty bitty pretty girl . i am really , sorry for everything ive been charged with and all the stuff you dont know about yet . there is only one possible way to earn your freedom . oh , i get it . everyones windmill needs a new blade now and then , right . no . our windmills are the envy of the world . to win exoneration , you must prove that you have made a singular contribution to western culture . western , huh . did you ever see my wyatt burp sketch . everyone on my payroll says its great . i am not familiar with this wyatt burp . oh , uh then , uh let me do my dutch oven bit . its about other dutchmen , not you . you know , uh aiesha those clouds look like a casting director saying , youve got the part . that cloud looks like legendary broadway lyricist betty comden . i finally found the place i belong . youre weeks up . time to go home . it cant be saturday already . monday was orientation . tuesday , we did mime . wednesday we did mame . thursday we got attacked by bees . friday morning , andrew lloyd webber and elaine stritch helped us make wallets . friday evening , we performed angels in america a gay fantasia on national themes . part one millennium approaches . part two perestroika . thats right . strike the set , pizza party , saturday morning , and then no . good bye, , lisa . ill miss you a lot , then a little , then not too much . lisa , do you have to leave this minute . no time . i dont want to get stuck behind the joggers from the fat camp . i cant go home . something happened this week that completely changed me . oh , you didnt see a boy lose his swim trunks , did you . no . i fell in love with theater , dance , and song . weve got plenty of songs in the car , by maggies favorite singer roofi . brush your teeth , comb your hair have an apple or a pear bup up . safety locks . brush your teeth , comb your hair have an apple or a pear brush your teeth , comb your hair have an apple or a pear brush your teeth comb your hair have an apple or a whats the matter , lisa . youre usually the first one out of this death trap . well , the combination of me leaving arts camp and you driving on and off the shoulder has made me a little ill . sorry . i guess i shouldnt be playing this driving game while im driving . okay , maybe it wont be that bad . hey lisa , how was farts camp . farts camp  thats great . arts camp was lovely . did you paint a picture on toilet paper . lisa simpson , please stick to the illegally xeroxed sheet music . but arts camp encouraged us to spread our wings and fly . lisa , i went to arts camp , too . and all it does is fill your coconut with banana cream dreams that can never come true . how do you cope . vanilla wafers , plum wine and take it from the top . my country tis of thee life disappointed me im . we gotta find a clip that proves krustys made a cultural contribution . lets see what weve got here . ah , here we are  top to bottom , left to right , readin things is outta sight . speaking of out of sight , youve gotta hide me . i slept with the lighting directors wife , and no appetite , honey . its just dinner conversation at arts camp was a bit more stimulating . one night we spoke only in lines from famous poems . because i could not stop for death , he kindly stopped for me . emily dickinson . no , i was just describing my day . if you need me , ill be upstairs saying good bye to my dreams . my dream is to be able to walk up stairs like an eight year girl . maggie , your big sister is leaving for a more artistic life . ill send for you when im famous . well take the town by storm , like the bronte sisters . oh , maggie , dont ever turn two . aha . lisa simpson . what are you doing here . i came to share in the esteem that the world bestows on its artists . uh , yeah . brrr . boy , it sure is cold in here . no heat . its , uh , part of our art . more art . ethan , look what i stole from work . yes . tomatoes . what kind of artists are you . sandwich artists . but we get to eat any sandwiches we drop on the floor . unless we drop them on purpose . theyve got cameras on us at all times . are you saying that arts camp was a lie . well , not the swimming . look , lisa , i think its time we can sang you the truth . artists are the least important people in the world so whatever you do , dont be an artist , girl artists make a living dressing up like a falafel artists shed a tear when theyre called something awful you aint no falafel . artists sit in jail , on a lifetime hitch the only way out is become a prison snitch oh , why did i sing that out loud . what i dont get is why all the lies we wanted you to think we were happening guys . well , philosophically , were happening , in the sense that we exist . not for long , if we dont drop more sandwiches . chief magistrate herschel krustofsky , you stand accused of the most heinous crimes known to clowndom . have you anything to say in your defense . im sorry , your honor . ive led a worthless life . ive been this way since i was a little squirt . heh . heh . come on , i thought you euro jerks loved unfunny comedy . we dont put euro in front of everything . euro guards . take him away in euro cuffs . wait . not so fast . we found something to save krusty . and its on this dvd . is it region one or region two . uh , what region is america . region one . woo hoo . were region one . were region one . well , this is region two , so im afraid your exculpatory evidence will produce nothing more than an error message stating unreadable disc . if it please the court , my brother has a multi region player . i just pray hes not on a state mandated five week vacation . get this back to me by . im having a real housewives of atlanta season two party . my dressing room has regular potato chips , but my contract specifically stated half regular , half ruffled . krusty , please forget it . forget it . the gigs off . i aint gonna play sun city . vuvuzela me out of here . three days later , south africa freed nelson mandela from prison . krusty the klown , your selfishness has saved the world . case dismissed . im just glad you all finally saw what an amazing human being i am . now , wheres the nearest place i can score a little victory weed . that would be the courthouse cafeteria . ill be right there . order me , um , a raspberry crepe and a brick of hash . how do you smoke it . i melt it and inject it into my eyelid . hey , youre all right . playing guitars playing guitar , guitars its hard to sing while playing guitars . whats she doing with her hands . its called applause . im not sure i like it . marge lisa . are you in here . mom . take me home . hi . im moe . its good that little kid left , cause this song is gonna get into a very dark area . good bye, , guys . ill try again when im older . remember us for our exaggerations , not our reality . and we gave you a little surprise for your trip back . is it your laundry . okay , two surprises . in a way , i think we learned more from her than she did from us . yeah , well , obviously , because we taught her nothing . lisa , look . oh thanks , guys . how did we get way up here . werent we just back there . the magic of art . sorry were late . oops . nice one . its hard to sing while playing guitars . artists are the people who hold up a mirror artists make society see its faults clearer ha , artists help stamp out oppression and war and when we camp outdoors we make the best smores three layers , mother nature mmm , yeah , artists end poverty with music and dance artists make art on the beaches of france lisa i never knew artists were all so amazing kurt excuse we while i talk to this cow that is grazing i give art like you give milk lisa do you think that i could be an artist in the city . hold on , lisa , let me check with the committee yes , lisa , you can be an artist in the world so move to the city when youre less itty bitty, , girl the citys pretty gritty for an itty bitty pretty girl . springfield . all hmm . man number two . bart aw oh , i thought we were going to breakfast . first were visiting grampa . no fair . we just went to church . yeah , so weve already heard stories from thousands of years ago about stuff that didnt happen . oh . i have an important announcement to make . ive had a lot of time to think since my hands got too shaky to play cards . doh . its not your fault , grampa . these cards are too slippery . see . damn it . anywhen , ive decided to give you all your inheritance now . are you sure about that , grampa . i just want to see the look on your faces when i share with you the fruits of a lifetime of labor . thats your life savings .  . this wont even cover the vig on what i owe . well , i lost the rest investing in a broadway musical based on the real life story of eddie gaedel , the midget who had one big league at bat . i even wrote a song for american league president will harridge . what do i do with this damn little man . his strike zones the size of a tuna fish can . his strike zones the size of a tuna fish can . now remember what grampa said you can spend the money any way you want . i just paid some loser bucks to walk up the down escalator all day . i bet its . i bet its . oh , .  . hmm , i think ill look for a new handbag . oh , so many celebrities have their own label princess penelope , booberella , the real housewives of ogdenville , even scratchy . oh i wonder how much that one is . gotta look without looking like im looking . yes . id like this bag , please . marge simpson . are you buying a marc fredericks signature handbag . why wouldnt i . well those bags are pretty pricey . hey , my husband makes good money , and we can certainly afford thatll be . oh , i didnt realize whats the matter , marge . just remembered your husbands not a doctor . oh , my god , you are so burned . ill take it . all oh . well done , marge . if youre looking for a bag hag , im your man . okay . but stay on my good side , girlfriend . or uh oh . homer .  . thats , like , ten dead grampas . some of us stuck to our limit , marge . and i wouldve loved to rent this carpet cleaner another day . is that the cat in there .  . well , its a cat . im not sure its the cat . dont worry , homer , ill return the handbag first thing tomorrow . you know what , honey . just because we cant afford to keep that handbag doesnt mean that you two cant have one night at the most glamorous place in town . right this way . well , at least its a good place to see celebrities . its not what you think . im researching a movie where i play myself . wait a minute . is that bag marc fredericks . mm hmm . you know , a much nicer table just opened up . hmm . after bart , that bags the best mistake we ever made . im gonna go , uh , study the menu . heh . so , i want to honor grampa by giving my inheritance to charity . but which one . oh , whats this . male announcer most banks are for the haves , not the have nots . im sorry , but we simply cant accept your collateral . i am just a goat , but even i know that a peasant in an emerging economy cant get a break . she needs a microloan . a guilty first worlder lends or more to the microloan bank , who uses it to help my owner finance her business . working together , we can help people help themselves . and now , apparently , i am a girl . mmm hmm . come on , marge , lets hit the buffet . you go ahead ill stay here . if i get something on this handbag , i wont be able to return it . oh , you dont want to wait for that buffet . wiggums making his move . i need backup , lou . get two plates and follow me . uh , chief , not now im undercover . oh , its like that , huh . the minute you go undercover , you act like you dont even know me . hell turn on you , too , fat tony , you just wait . mm , i suppose i should get something to eat . hey . waah . oh , thank god . i can take that for you . homer , take me home . sure , . let me just grab one more shrimp . boy , i bet that looked cool in super slow motion . too bad we saw it in regular motion . yeah , i got bigger problems , chief . im in love with the dons daughter . but which me does she love . i dont know . lisa hmm thank you so much for clicking on me . i am muhammad yunus , founder of the grameen bank , and , oh yeah , im also the winner of the nobel peace prize . to find an entrepreneur you want to lend to , click on my nose if you can catch it . its up here . now down here . too slow . okay , ill hold still . no , i wont . ha ha . got it . yunus good bye . lets see , i could help someone in any impoverished area on earth . bangladesh . bolivia . east springfield . my name is nelson mandela muntz . nelson . and my dream is to make and market custom bicycles . nelson . my dream is to make enough money sos i can get the rest of this tattoo removed . sorry i wasted your time . no fool would take a chance on a loser like me . i will . ill take a chance on you , nelson muntz . nelson , i gotta take this computer to the pawn shop , sos we can get white castle for your birthday . so , nelson , i see you started a small business . yeah . some anonymous dude sent me bucks . probably someone cool like famous amos or ba booey . and im gonna justify his faith in me . well , whoever your mysterious donor is , he , or she , really wants you to succeed . ding dong . oh , your first customer . be nice . right . nice . good day , mr . barf breath . good day to you . let me be frank everyone thinks youre a wuss . so , well change the pink to black , elevate the seat  trust me , its slimming  and change this wicker basket to no basket . do you like it . oh , i love it . hmm . hmm . wow , my first job . tonight im having peanut butter and jelly . no more pb or j for me . stay cool , marge . stay cool . id like to return this handbag . unused . i believe this stranger . well , heres your refund . check and mate . thank god . i will never do that again . wait a minute , marge . dont you realize what just happened . you got to enjoy that bag for nothing . we can buy stuff we cant afford , temporarily own the hell out of it , and then indignantly bring it back for a full refund . hide a sandwich in this hat . mary poppins myself to work with this umbrella . homie , you know what happens when you push your luck yeah , the luck lasts longer . thanks to the power of returns , this store is our closet . oh , a message from my small business person . dear anonymous investor here is my update on my small business . im making money fist over face . dingus . great timing . awesome . no way i can look nerdy on this bike . hot cross buns , hot cross buns one a penny , two a penny hot cross buns . and , with the money im making , i can treat my mom the way she deserves . this place is so fancy , nelson . the ketchup packets are made of glass . nelson ma , please . youre not at work . come in . come in . dont wipe your feet . whoa , look at all this stuff . did you find a mouse head in your cuppa soup . i wish . what the hell are you doing .  . with this protective plastic overlay , i cant tell if im watching an old seinfeld or an old christine . now , everyone onto the hot tub . come on . the cardboards fine . hi , nelson . here again , huh , lis . i guess now that im a success , you want to get back together with me . dolph called it . no , but there is something i cant hold back anymore . im your microfinance donor . youre l simpson . oh , my god . i owe you everything . well , i didnt do this for thanks , but if you want to thank me , i can stand here and listen for as long as it takes . im sure you can . lisa , if it werent for you , i never would have achieved the kind of success that has allowed me to quit school . youre quitting school .  . dropping it like a melon off an overpass . but dont you know that people who dont go to college make three percent less than people who do . lisa , thanks to you , and nobel laureate mohammad yunus , i can do this . spelling , meet f y . principal skinner , i need to convince nelson to come back to school . seriously . why . with nelson gone , lunch moneys finally making its way to the cafeteria . nurples are returning to their natural , non purple hue . besides , i hear hes doing quite well with his bicycle pimpery . he is . hes paying people an hour to work for him . an hour . thats night watchman money . maybe i should have a chat with him . which of these ties says confidence . isnt that a christmas tie . its a conversation starter . lisa , this conversation is over . its not you im trying to impress , its nelson . i know he likes the sleeveless look . chalmers skinner . oh . oh , so you also heard about the , uh , an hour . i heard about it first . yes , well , you see the thing about that is blah . good afternoon . id like to return this merchandise . wrong size , wrong color , not asictured , and other reason please explain . sir , this suitcase has an airline tag on it , these ping pong balls have been served and volleyed , and this hot plates still warm . yes , uh maybe ill just come back during someone elses shift . is claire working today . shes a real sucker . let me get my supervisor . hello , homer . how do you know my name . im chris hansen from to catch a credit whore . we know youve been returning used items all over town . oh , its not what you think i came here to warn them  yes , to to warn them about , um people like you . yes . i mean no . i mean youll never get me . i have to sign a release so you can broadcast this , right . initial there , and never . can you tell me when this is gonna be on . im thinking of having a party . lisa , why did you bring me here . oh , i dont know . i thought one of these super successful people might tell you how important it is to stay in school . why , look . its mark zuckerberg , the founder of facebook . mr . zuckerberg , im lisa , and this is nelson . sup , zuck . mark zuckerberg is happy to meet new friends . thats great , mr . zuckerberg , but i was hoping you could tell us how education was instrumental to your success . well , the truth is i dropped out of harvard . you did . better earnin than learnin . hell , yeah . ill get the best kind of degree  honorary , baby . well , clearly , youre an exception . am i , lisa . bill gates  dropout . virgin airlines richard branson  dropout . well didnt anybody here stay in school . man i did . graduated magna cum lade . there , you see . im afraid i havent done too well for myself . but i can certainly appreciate the irony of it . so , how did everyone do with their . well , i learned a valuable lesson about wanting more than i could afford . marge , you couldnt have fun if you were a monkey on a banana boat . i used grampas money to try to help someone in need , but it didnt go the way i expected . aw , sweetie , money cant change people . it can just help them be who they are . i gave a bum a dollar once , and he used it to buy an ellery queen mystery . but there was one mystery ellery queen couldnt solve  why a man was named ellery . but my point is , whatever i said before i started talking about ellery queen . nelson , i just wanted to say that i realize now you cant be anyone else other than who you are , and huh . look , everyone , just chill out . my wizard of oz bike fell apart in the middle of the pride parade . what kind of pride . never you mind what kind . fix my bike . i want my money back . fine . heres exactly what you paid me . thank you . oh . why is this happening . uh , this epoxy youve been using is water soluble , which means its not weather resistant . dumb it down for me . um bike sticky water go bye bye . some sticky water stay stay . all bye bye . oh . hi , nelson . lisa , ive been thinking and it fell apart when i was trying to impress this cute girl . my gramma . maybe i could use a little more school . you cant break us up . were like a family here . kearney and i are having brunch on sunday . if im up . listen , what say we go back to the school . ill help you out with a little micro financing of my own .  . i can buy paint for the art class , instead of those crushed up berries i find in the woods . and lisa , ive got a little left that id like to spend on you . this is really fun . but were still just friends , right . right . friends . can i hold your hand for balance . sure for balance . haw haw . sorry . haw haw . sorry . oh . whoa . oh . mark zuckerberg is nelson haw haw . lisa sorry . springfield . whos that lady . whos that lady . beautiful lady whos that lady . lovely lady whos that lady . real fine wow . shes everything i want to be . calling out to you cause its all that i can do your eyes tell me to pursue but you say , look , yeah , but dont touch , baby no , dont touch whats a babe like her doing with a brown banana like skinner . maybe shes one of those sexy school supply company reps . if thats true , wheres her suitcase with wheels , bart . wheres her suitcase with wheels . chalmers ah , if it isnt eavesdrop ernie and the listen in bunch . id like you boys to meet dahlia brinkley . shes the only springfield elementary alum ever to advance to the ivy league . theres a car in the parking lot with a yale sticker on it . its gotta be you . i just graduated from yale , and thought id pay a visit , from yale , to the little school where it all began . i plan to attend an ivy league school myself . i do he a gpa . she can do the kind of math that has letters . watch . whats x , lisa . well , that depends . sorry . she did it yesterday . i believe you . what else have you got . um , im treasurer of the jazz club , and started the schools recycling society . nice . and . uh , thats it . two clubs . well , thats a bridge bid , not an ivy league application . but im only in second grade . by your age , id been the dominant force in dozens of extracurricular activities . quite so . just take a look at her yearbook . the boys next door , the mums and dads new weds and nearly deads have you ever been had in clubland . wonderful year . same year we got new playground sand . yes , it was . mm hmm . thrust . parry . dodge . poke . come on , maggie . i need to get good at fencing so i can put it on my resume and get into yale . dont be scared . i wont hurt my widdle sister . oh . oh . sweetie , you can still go to mcgill  the harvard of canada . anything thats the something of the something isnt really the anything of anything . hello , flanders . dont you have a neighbor on the other side . indeedily doodily i do , and i love him just as much as you . its a flanders sandwich with great neighbor bread . bart , call me walter matthau , cause im a bad news bearer . im resigning as manager of your little league team . what .  . why .  . in the last game , our shortstop hit a long foul ball , but the umpire called it a homerun , and i let it go without saying a word . i just dont like the monster ive become . oh . but without a coach , we cant play . homie , maybe you could do it . sorry , marge . last time i stepped on a baseball field , i got tased . you know , someday these kids will be out of the house , and youll regret not spending more time with them . thats a problem for future homer . man , i dont envy that guy . cant play baseball . what am i gonna do . son , how would you like to spend the summer building wooden boats by hand with master craftsmen . howd you like to kiss my ass . nelson look at me , im whitey ford . huh . whats going on . we got a new coach . awesome . who is it . its me . lisa .  . what , you cant stand the idea of a girl coaching a boys baseball team . no , we cant stand the idea of someone who knows nothing about baseball coaching a baseball team . hey , there have been plenty of female managers in baseball . connie mack , sandy alomar , terry francona , pinky higgins . those are dudes . really . they sound like i mean well , the thing oh no . okay , bottom line  i need an extra curricular activity , and no one else will coach you loveable losers . were not losers . last year , we finished six and five . and were not loveable . we had a tall , freckled faced kid on the team that we picked on till he quit . hey , splatter face . hows the weather up there . its too bad , cause hes a great hitter , but its worth it . look , if you want to play liability insured baseball , im your only shot . fine , you can be our coach . thanks . you can be the free safety . wrong sport . i mean the point guard . also wrong . im gonna do a little research . a littles not gonna be enough , honepie . dont call me honey pie . you got it , tootsie pop . get a room , you two . were brother and sister . so are my parents , i think . hey , dad . hey , pal , how you doing . fine . i was hoping you and your friends could tell me something about baseball strategy . the only thing i know about strategy is that whatever the manager does , its wrong , unless it works , in which case hes a button pusher . i hate guys that just push buttons all day . you just push buttons all day . you know , ever since obama came in , youve got all the answers , dont you . ugh . does anyone here actually know anything about baseball . uh , the guys in that booth down there . as a pitcher , cliff lee is clearly superior to zack greinke . uh , yes , i completely agree , with the following colossal exception . before the fourth inning after a road loss in a domed stadium . th its good to be greinke . uh , unless hes got a bunion , in which case he is notably ineffective . wow . im surprised you guys know so much about a sport . oh , lisa , baseball is a game played by the dexterous , but only understood by the poin dexterous . if you understand what ive laid out there . the key to understanding the game is sabermetrics . huh .  . the field was developed by statistician bill james . i made baseball as much fun as doing your taxes . using sabermetrics , even an eight year girl can run a ball club with the sagacity of a stengel , and the single mindedness of a steinbrenner . i call it a stein stengel thanks , guys . hey , speaking of stats , im none too pleased about your ratio of seats occupied to beers ordered . you mean our sobo . lets calculate it now . whats the conversion factor for ginger beer . refreshingness over effervescence . plus or minus tang . oh , why did i advertise my drink specials in scientific american . i can think of three reasons . first of all , you shut up . announcer so were one one in the third , and isotots manager lisa simpson rearranges her defense one more time . i havent seen this many books in a dugout since albert einstein went canoeing . everyone shift towards right . all huh . i caught a white apple . okay . everyone study two out situations , count management , and ill be back with some gluten free crackers . your spreadsheets . oh , my stupid sisters taken the fun out of baseball . what happened to stealing bases , the suicide squeeze , throwing a little chin music . were no longer cellar dwellers . well , the team isnt . this isnt the game i grew up with , the game played in the misty ballparks of enron field , or pac bell , then sbc , now at t park . and from now on , im gonna play my game . dummyball . announcer bart simpson on deck , his bats just hungering for a homer , like chronos for his children . speaking of homer , barts fathers name is , you guessed it , not on my fact sheet . bart , this guys walked the last two batters , and if he walks you , we win the game . dont swing at anything . but im on a hot streak . hot streaks are a statistical illusion . i wish you were a statistical illusion . well , theres a chance im not , so do what i say . ball one . ball two . dont swing . ive ruined your favorite thing . oh team bart . bart . bart . you disobeyed your manager . so what . we won . team bart . bart . bart . heres what youre off the team . get him out of here , boys . team conflicted , . come on , guys . i had to get rid of bart . but he socked a walk off dinger . that dinger was a fluke . not that i have to defend myself to you . managers manage , and players play . do alligators alligate . i dont know yes . im scared . heres my uniform , since i wont be needing it anymore . whoo hoo . underpants dinner . no , its not . aww . you know , lis , im glad im not playing baseball anymore . i think im more interested in soccer . ow . hey . cut it out . youre upsetting the gravy boat . ill put a stop to this nonsense . lisa , cant you let your brother back on the team . fly balls and fungoes come and go , but family is forever . sorry marge , i got to call bullcrap on that . the mets will live on forever , but do you think anyone cares about ron swobodas wife and kids . not me , and , i assume , not ron swoboda . what about barts feelings . boys dont have feelings . they have muscles . why do you say such ridiculous things . they sound good in my brain , then my tongue makes not the words sound very good , formally . mama bear said , im sure sister bear will come to her senses . then pete rose plowed into his friend ray fosse dislocating fosses shoulder in a meaningless game . he had earned the nickname charlie hustle mama bear said , families should stick together because personal feelings get between him and home plate . anything else is unbearable . flanders excuse me . with all this racket , my boys cant get their hours sleep . so , because of your on base percentage , nelson , youre the new leadoff hitter . questions . whens bart coming back . hes not . he thought he was better than the laws of probability . anyone else think hes better than the laws of probability . well , youre not . with me here in the booth is brand new color commentator and former isotots great , bart simpson . bart , do you miss the game . no , . i got a lot goin on . im sure you do . milhouse hits a frozen rope just past the diving shortstop . theres a play at the plate . hes safe . and thats all she wrote . its a triumph of number crunching over the human spirit . and its about time . look , dad . players and coaches entrance . hey , lets hold hands and skip inside . well , lets go to the bleachers . i brought an air horn and a megaphone . testing actually , im taking you on a special little guy super happy fun day . are you taking me to the dentist . youre not going to the dentist . you know , mom , after only seven hours in this amusement park , im finally enjoying myself . im actually starting to forget about lisa . she wants to talk to you . hey lis . bart , i need you . ralph cant play , cause hes too juiced . i didnt know what i was putting into my body . sorry , sis . ive moved on . and my days of listening to my manager are over . son , you should always listen to your manager . mike scioscia . didnt you get radiation poisoning working at the springfield nuclear plant . i sure did , and it gave me super managing powers . i also demagnetize credit cards . bart , i have two pieces of advice . first , keep your arms in the damn car . whoa . secondly , i dont care if your manager is your sister , dick dragos mustache , or oscar gambles afro . a player should always listen to his skipper . thats how i got these three world series rings . never mind that . ill win more . but you owe it to your sister , and the great game of baseball  wacky face for the camera  to go back and help your team . now , who wants funnel cake . you got some great raw ingredients , kid . open up your stance a little . wrong , . thats okay . you just didnt have it today . not everythings baseball . yes , it is . oh . what am i gonna do . i need a pinch runner with speed . how about a benchwarmer whos afraid of puppets . did someone order a happy ending . bart . oh . now get out there and kick a field goal . kidding . announcer and thats why anyone who invested with lenny dykstra really should call that number . lawyers are standing by . simpson on first , taking a big lead . oh , looks like hes gonna swipe the bag . no , . dont steal . announcer and there he goes . hes stealing third . okay , hes stolen third . but surely , thats the limit of his cockiness . im stealing home . no . the computer says its statistically impossible . bah . computers . theyll never replace my huffnagle autocollator . crank it , smithers . crank it . its , uh , seizing up , sir . yes , well apply more goose grease . stealing home . its so impossible . its against every sensible instinct . its , its the most exciting play in baseball . go , bart . if he makes it , thats my son . youre out . the isotots lose . now to begin my off season job follow home robberies . ill see you in the parking lot , but you wont see me until its too late . homer you stink . did i make it . no . but you did do something . you made me love baseball . not as a collection of numbers , but as an unpredictable , passionate game beaten in excitement only by every other sport . i guess your computer was right . maybe it was , but according to my calculations , youre a great brother and according to my gut , youre okay , too . can you put a number on it . aww team conflict resolved . conflict resolved . conflict resolved . springfield . welcome , precious primetime viewers , valued internet downloaders , and scary digital pirates . if you want to shield your little darlings from our stomach churning holiday special , simply hit fast forward on your dvr remote i went too far . spoiled the whole show for everybody . i dont deserve to wield the remote . oh , im getting old and gray im dead . monster go watch the office . dunder mifflin just like monsters workplace . milhouse , do we have enough points for a weapons upgrade . yeah . we really racked them up eating all those elf babies . ha ha . nothing beats a weapon made of weapons . this is that video game reverend lovejoy said you shouldnt play . well , hes playing it right now . slay the wounded . i still think its too violent . its a game . were not hurting anybody . my non lazy eye . oh . these classic board games are fun and safe . my other eye . so which of these board lames shall we play . taffy land . drops and risers . consternation . ravenous , rhinos . mouse catch . battleboat . funopoly . crate of apes . yahtzu . tiddlywonks . hey , ive never seen this one before . milhouse satans path . hey , its got to be good if satan put his name on it . huh . here . ill be the demon , you be the thimble . oh , im always the thimble . one two . both oh . there was a bank error in my favor . and im spending it all on oriental avenue prostitutes . milhouse all the games came to life . i dont like the looks of that knight , chief . dont worry . were safe . hes two steps away , and one to the right . for me , its game , set and match . i think you mean check , and mate . just got crushed by a giant horse , lou . you want to cut me a break . time to meet my mystery dude . ah . oh , man , im never coming down . ah . whoo hoo . another ladder . riding high . sinking low . top of the heap . oh . down i go . on top for good . oh , cruel hubris . how do we make this stop . well , my latins a little rusty , but i think to get everything back in its box , you have to finish the game . and if we dont finish . youre going to have to deal with more nonsense like that . all yatszu . here we go , back in the cup . at least the cup is lined with felt . hey , mr . positive , shut the hell up . well be safe on this battleboat . set a course for b  . powerful voice b  . milhouse they dunked our battleboat . i wish i could see my mom one last time , so i can say , this is all your fault . colonel ketchup , i say it was you that killed him in the parlor , with the letter opener . he was going to leave me , and im too old to find anyone else . come on , man , climb up . no . i might sink the letter . and q is just too valuable . that blank could be any letter we want . maybe im just tired of living . the final challenge mousecatch . a game so lame , no ones ever finished it . crazy eights . think , bart . think . what was that lesson i learned from video games . oh , yeah . kill , . there comes a time to beat the crap out of childish things . sure is a hard way to catch a mouse . oh , this stupid thing never works . thats it . from now on , well just play hangman . wait , . we still got one more letter . is it . thats not a letter . stupid , . man , its been a crazy morning . champagne . oh , homie , what a great idea  to take a cruise in uncharted waters . yeah , charts are for squares , baby . whew . sure is hot out here . mmm . mmm . oh , thats my cell phone . what is it . lenny , im on a second honeymoon . youll have to pick your own lotto numbers . now , where were we . oh , baby , lets give those seagulls something to squawk about . huh . oh yeah , baby , i like it when youre distracted . huh . homie , help him up . fine . ill get the hook . homer dont fight it . dont thats it . a little more . hows that . youre safe now , my friend . this poor man must have been out there for days . hes nothing but hard , bronze muscle . bless you . okay , this guys taken care of . so uh , you know im not really in the mood anymore . fine . im going for a walk . my names roger . i was the chef on the albatross , working for a businessman taking his partners to tahiti . one night , he asked for pie for dessert as the pie cooled innocently on a porthole sill , my employer attempted to inject it with poison . but i caught him in the act . unfortunately , he had the strength of ten businessmen . he sent me napward with a bottle of low sodium soy sauce . poor man . youve been through so much . hey . ive had a hard trip , too . one of the lenses fell out of my sunglasses . ah oh , yeah oh , roger , you really know what youre doing . no luck . anyway , when i came to , everyone on board was dead . i fled the horrific scene . and after days at sea , i found my savior . you , marge . and , in a very insignificant way , you , homer . god , it was horrible . marge . can i have a word with you in private . i dont trust that guy . i bet he killed everyone on that boat himself . thats crazy talk . roger excuse me . youve both been so kind to me , i baked you this pie . that is so sweet . why do piemakers get all the girls . why did you do that . it was poisoned . no it wasnt . well , it was rhubarb . no , it was berry peach . homer berry peach . thats my favorite . please , homer . i am so sick of this unmotivated jealous  the pie was poisoned . you were right . i guess weve got to kill him before he kills us . well , wed better do it quick , because hes making scones . they should call this one recipe for murder . what do you mean , this one . never mind . oh , roger , would you hand me the suntan oil . oh , got a text . now . dear god . we just killed a man . yeah , the decent thing to do is bury him at sea . come and get it , barnacles . huh . roger was telling the truth . this proves nothing . roger couldve been the one that killed them . soy sauce . low sodium . then his story was true . we killed an innocent man . were murderers . murderers . roger well , if it isnt my saviors . hey , pal , how you been . dont you pal me . why did you try to kill me .  . the pie you baked us killed that shark . the pie was clean . the shark died from the fuel leaking out of your boat . it oh , yeah . oops . oh , goody . the monkey got ahold of a spear gun . why did you do that .  . we had to kill him or hed tell people we tried to kill him . what the devils going on here . youre alive . yes . i suspected our host would poison us , so i gave everyone an antidote before dinner . looks like youve got a flair for avoiding death . oh , come on . just a second . bankers away . i repeat no one will ever know . well know . marge , what are you doing .  . that pie is poisoned . i cant live with the guilt . she just wanted to ride bikes through new england . but those seats hurt my ass . ever wonder what she thinks about . just sugarplums and buttercups . hey , whats that weird look on all those girls faces . its something youve never seen theyre smitten . oh , ive seen it . especially when i do this . well , he is cute . but im sure a boy like him would never say hello to me . hello . i love your pallor . why is there a steering wheel in my bedroom . howd you do that . oh , its these cheap school buses , with their squishy metal . on another subject , you have beautiful eyes . theyre just dots in circles . what . me again . come with me . youre a vampire . i should be scared , but im not . let us move between the trees the way a bat does by jumping . lisas fallen for a vampire . that makes me so angry . i feel the change coming . edmunds almost here , so , please , nobody be themselves . i know , i know . dont serve garlic , dont stab your guest in the heart with a wooden stake , dont ask him if he knows frankenstein . its racist somehow . sorry , my dad insisted on coming . dad , i dont need a chaperone . im years old . you live in my crypt , you play by my rules . youre tearing me apart . dinner is served . i tried to make what homer said you liked . i get the drumstick . okay , . if a mosquito bites you , does it become a vampire , too . yes . okay , . if you bite your tongue , does it become a vampire . look , im more than just a vampire . im a nut for dixieland jazz . you said you werent going to bring that . i said i might not . they say vampires live forever , but i die of embarrassment every day . i know just how you feel . lets fly , lisa . keep your mouth closed , or youll swallow a lot of bugs . get them back . she cant get neck holes . its picture day tomorrow . man , you vamps got it made . you sleep all day and , because we only drive at night , we can really time the traffic lights . watch . green . green . green . boom . green . yes . boom . green . good . boom . boy , this place has every kind of vampire there is . excuse me . have you seen these kids . i did . and they were sneaking kisses . one kiss . ha , . two kisses . ha , . three kisses . there they are . super team, , fly . im dracula , not the hulk . hyah . hyah . bite me now , edmund , and well both be vampires . get your neck away from my sons teeth , you evil temptress . sir , im not trying to take your son away from you . i plan to be a part of your rich culture , and organize media friendly events to help combat all the unfair vampire stereotypes . wow . wow . now i know what you see in this girl . bite her , my son , and you both will be eight forever . eight forever . whoa , . i cant spend eternity using kid scissors . they barely cut anything . too late . the bloodlust is upon me . back off , you unholy dreamboat . pretty ironic  a cross being used to kill someone . father , youre hurt . yes , but at least you are safe , my son . whoa , you blood sucking freaks love your kids , too . i remember when he was a baby , id sneak up to his crib in the middle of the day to make sure he was still not breathing . no . well , nobody loves his kids more than me . come and get it . die , fatso . uh oh . his blood  its full of cholesterol . and not the good kind . woo hoo . lisa uh , dad . they turned you into a vampire . yes . i can fly . see you back at the house . uh oh . no . springfield . show . hey . mousey and catsy , arent they great . now listen up , kids . krustys sponsor , the texxon family of gas stations , wants you to know that todays the last day of their happy little elves giveaway . its texxons way of saying , sorry about those million dead pelicans . youll really love the intentionally scarce baby must have . dont you want her beyond all reason . maggie , you cant climb into the tv . if you could , id make alex trebek answer some questions . dad , i think maggies just sad cause her set is missing baby must have . no child of mine will go without anything , ever . except quality health care . didnt there used to be more texxon stations . yes , but they sold a bunch off to that frozen yogurt chain . what a cheap date this is . im not cheap , baby , im embarrassed to be seen with you . big difference . hmm hmm . nice part of town you got here . too bad you keep it so far away . now that were best friends , can i get the baby elf . pick a box . you get what you get . you cant tell whats inside . oh , of all the times not to have x ray vision . mm ill take that one . hmm . this isnt the right one . she wants the baby . i cant give you another toy till you buy another ten gallons of gas . youre lucky youre behind glass . aint no glass . sure , its easy to slap people when youre hiding behind that glass . you have a good day . drive all the way , get the wrong elf . aint no glass . ill show them . ill buy ten more gallons of their stupid gas . whoo hoo . doh . doh . doh . doh . doh . doh . oh , homie , maybe we should call it a day . oh , im sorry , maggie , but even at your age , im sure you understand things cant always go your way , and thats why i cant believe we didnt get that stupid elf . where the hell are we . ive never seen stores like these before . i know where we are . this is the neighborhood where i grew up . oh , everythings changed . that tree used to be a smaller tree . and that food bank used to be a regular bank . the march of progress . theres my old house . someday when im a grownup , maybe ill go back and look fondly at our house . well , stop in and say hi to me cause ill still be there , chillin in my basement bachelor pad . be sure to water the flowers on my backyard grave . as long as i can dig you up and stick you on the front porch every halloween . just dont dress me up like a woman . well see . i know what you folks are here for . rabbits . i just kilt this one because it stopped bein cute . were not here for rabbit . i used to live in this house as a girl . i live in it now as a woman . hey , you wanna come on in . take a look around . oh , id love to , if its not an imposition . well , as long as we dont have to feed this one . tell her no deal . everythings just the way i remember it . you see that mirror . i discovered that if i sat in the kitchen , i could see if the bathroom was free using the reflection from the mirror off the toaster . this was my bedroom . my bedpost smooshes are still in the carpet . i want to go read books in the car . there are no books in the car . i just want to sit in the car . i always wondered who marge is . my memorables . over the years , ive sure been tempted to go through this stuff . so i did , many times . my whole childhood is in this box . my scrunchies . i never really had the hair for these . wow , mom . you got first place in the science fair . oh , thats ancient history . oh , heres my paper on ancient history . mom , these grades are amazing . just as good as mine . lisa but then you wound up like you . oh , man . the drainage around here is a joke . i dont even know why i pay taxes . bart coming through . just when you think im out of ideas . whoop . ahh . feeling the grind , up go the hammers mm hmm . get your affairs in order . bart beat up nelson . martin a new bully has risen . all simpson . boombaye . simpson . boombaye . oh . mama . buying those extra trophies from cash strapped schools really filled out the old case . principal skinner . quick question . is it true my mom was a great student . oh , indeed . your mother was as fine a student as you . keep up the good work , and youll probably wind up just like her . well of course that would be great . but i see myself making an impact outside the home . lisa , one of the hardest jobs i have is throwing cold water on young childrens dreams . ralph , youre not a kangaroo . the point is , ive learned a lot about human nature by sitting in the park with mother . and one thing ive learned is children turn out like their parents . behold , your future . oh ralph , youre also not a trophy . skinner . i warned you about interacting with students . i dont want to have to yell at you . you yell at me about everything . well i cant yell at anyone else . teachers have a union . students have parents . what about willie . i like willie . maggie , something happened to mom , and im gonna find out what and when . moms looking good through elementary school . ninth grade , tenth grade , still riding the a train . then suddenly , when she was a high school senior blam . marge you kids play nice up there . what could have happened . dad . hmm . can i talk to you for a second . what is troubling you , my son . i mean , my girl son . well , um , i was looking through moms old schoolwork , and i noticed her grades went down when she started going out with you . hey , if it hadnt been me , it would have been someone or something else . sooner or later , everyone meets their homer . no offense , dad , but no boy is gonna distract me from my dreams . it may not be a boy . it could be anything scrapbooking , high stakes poker , or the santa fe lifestyle . just pick a dead end and chill out till you die . no . thats not gonna happen to me . im gonna make sure nothing distracts me ever . whoa . look at you , strutting around , like youre toad of toad hall . uh , im just whistling , man . you think youre so smart , dont you simpson . were both in the same reading group . i think you know how smart i am . thats an insult to me and the rest of the inchworms . bart did it again . im not a bully . its just a series of incredible coincidences . well , bart , i guess his parking spot is yours now . well done . okay , ive gotten rid of all of my distractions , diversions , hobbies oh , my god . are you a distraction or a higher calling . all right , lets see . how many jazz musicians led long and happy lives . theres , um thats odd . lisa just threw her saxophone out the window . oh , thats probably because to her , the saxophone is a me , she shdoe dont want to end up like you . good night . she doesnt want to end up like me . uh , no , she does , totally , but , uh , with a happier ending . good night . whats so wrong with me . nothing , sweetie , nothing . here , let me explain . she does not want to turn out like you didnt not until diplomatic trapped help . remember nothing . i remember everything . well , if you check your purse , i think youll find the seven of clubs . no . just a picture of lisa  who wants to be nothing like me . i am so sorry , marge . hee hee . marge stupid pan . mom , could you keep it down a little . im trying to study . uh huh . yeah . heres your breakfast . not a good time . mom , is something wrong . would it be so bad to turn out like me .  . mom , i admire everything you do . but its not good enough , is it . its plenty good . its great . its just not for me . school bus . mmm mwa . what kind of kiss did you get . normal . you . ice cold . youre just imagining things . oh , yeah . hmm what does your note say . the seven of clubs . ta dah . ugh . whats the point of getting rid of all the distractions at home if i have to do my learning here . oh , ill wax the upstairs and ill wax the downstairs and ill get drunk in the libry . willie . do you have to wax this floor now . no , i can come back later . whoa aah . oof . oh . should i get the nurse . nay , just keep studyin . ill scream this out . aah . i can get to you whenever i want , simpson . but im gonna bide my time . you wont even hear the punch that wastes you . and youll crack like one of those chicken turds rich people eat . you mean an egg . i mean youre dead . aah . let me out of here , so i can put you in here . ha . youre not so tough now . aw dad was right  i might as well give up . cloisters academy . that bus could pick me up any day of the week . sup , bro . im not your brother . lord buddha , i know im not supposed to want stuff , but come on . cloisters academy is a refuge for quiet learning . we have every facility imaginable , including an imaginatorium . oh , no , wait , its over there . mom . dad . please can i go here . ill study so hard , ill make the old me look like bart . that would be one weird looking kid . wed love to send you here , sweetie . we just cant afford it . well , im sure lisa will be fine at springfield elementary . i hear they just found out there was a world war ii . oh homer , lisa , could you please step outside . i have a few choice words for this gentleman . mom please dont . oh , ive seen that look before . thats the i ate the piece of wedding cake shes been saving in the freezer ten years look . you what .  . run . lisa , your mother convinced me to take a closer look at your record , and upon further reflection , i have decided to offer you a full scholarship to cloisters academy . i have a future . oh . thank you , mom . oh , thank you , four eyes . so , youll start monday . im so exci ah ah . quiet campus . shh . now , please , hold your celebration until youre off the school grounds . what time monday . um , . thank you . an academy . im attending an academy . hi . i see that youre new , and wed be honored to have you join our softball team . im sorry , i dont really play . oh , no one plays . we just discuss the physics of the game . i lead the team in e . r . a . extremely right answers . count me in . marge whats wrong , sweetie . you seem upset . i dont want to talk about it . oh a kid at schools gonna beat me up . is it milhouse . milhouse couldnt beat me up . are you sure . hes having a growth spurt . its not milhouse . is it a girl . its nelson . hm . i never figured him for the bully type . well , if hes got you cornered , and milhouse isnt there to help you , theres only one way out  make him feel good about himself . how do i do that . i dont know . compliment his glasses . its not milhouse . hi , lisa . im ms . marshall , and im your teacher . well , i am so happy to be in your class . no , im your teacher . i only teach you . your short story about the lonely pony  gripping . did you get that the pony was actually me . it hit me the next day , and i read the whole thing again . i thought wed start the semester by turning this into a novel . self published . real published . oh nelson ha . this is it , simpson . after this , your nose will not be an outtie . make him feel good about himself . uh , nelson , for someone who never goes to the dentist , you have pretty good teeth . theyre dentures . uh , you do a lot with a limited wardrobe . thats social worker talk for im poor . uh , you punch really good . you think . oh , yeah . and you always avoid the face around picture day . people appreciate that . hey , those memories are forever . you really care , man . a lot of bullies just phone it in . kearney . that school is so great . teachers teach so much better when theyre paid in money , not chickens . is mom gonna come up and say good night . your moms doing laundry , but she authorized me to say goodnight for her . so , by the power invested in me i now pronounce you sweet dreams . mom . here we go . clean and white and soft mom . i see what happened . there was no scholarship . they said i could attend if you did all their laundry . i cant live with that knowledge while trying to get more knowledge . lisa , honey , i insist . because its important to you that you dont turn out like me . mom , i dont want to go to that school . why not . because its too elitist . everyones parents are in the business . what business . i dont know . they wont tell me . and besides , you were willing to do all this just so i would be happy . mom , id be honored if i turned out like you . mom , thanks to you , this box sucker didnt beat me up . weve been pokin foil all night . mustve put away two eight packs by now . im so glad you two are friends again . look what maggie got . homer . how did you get ah . a father has his secrets . how did he get in . told you , aint got no glass . did he take any money . uh uh . well , he did now . shh . springfield . pilot were unbalanced . its not fair . id like to call to order this secret conclave of americas media empires . we are here to come up with the next phony baloney crisis to put americans back where they belong  in dark rooms , glued to their televisions , too terrified to skip the commercials . well , i think nbc , you are here to listen and not speak . i think we should go with a good old fashioned public health scare . a new disease . no ones immune . its like the summer of the shark , except instead of a shark , its an epidemic and instead of summer , its all the time . man that is smokin . now i hate to be the guy who derails what everybody else loves he loves being that guy . but , janice , we do have standards . this cant be a made up disease . the only moral thing to do is release a deadly virus into the general public . we do have something weve been holding onto , but it hasnt been tested . get over here , nbc . well , we certainly believe in testing , but i oh . wow . wow . oh , yeah . so , weve got our deadly disease . now we just have to blame it on something thats in every household something that people are a little bit afraid of already . housecat flu is coming , people . the center for disease disinformation predicts with some degree of probability that the housecat flu might spread in the following hypothetical outbreak pattern . so petter beware , that warm body on your lap just might be ready to destroy your tender vittles . springfielders are advised to stay tuned for more information if they experience any of the following symptoms mild thirst , occasional hunger , tiredness at night you know , i dont know when this was ever a good idea . hurry up , boy . we have to burn everything the cat touched , before the virus makes us paranoid . homer . stop burning . they have a vaccine . all right . well get the vaccine . homer , did you know he was in the pile . i thought he was an old clump of rags . dont worry , people . we have enough vaccines for one child per family . i dont even have a kid that i admit to having . please use your time in line wisely to sophies choice your child . what a crook . this isnt the line for a movie . why are you wearing that costume . because , you see , i am afraid of needles , but wolverine is not . snikt . snikt . need acceptable currency oh for delicious treat oh . mr . burns . wheres he going . yes , id like snifters of your influenza syrup . one for me , one for smithers here and the rest for my hounds . give him what he wants . hes the only taxpayer in this town . but mr . mayor , these people have waited in line . and dogs cant even get the disease . theyll see me take it and theyll want some . yes oo will . yes oo will , you little jelly belly . sir , perhaps we should get out of here , before people start resenting you . hoh . hurry up and get in . ill drive . hurry , everyone . roll in the shards . come on . like this . healthy . gettin healthy . ow . gettin healthy and very sleepy . ahh . i feel as hail and hearty as an eohippus . eh , mr . burns , i did a little blood work earlier today and im afraid ive got a bit of hard news . spit it out , doctor . i havent got all day . eh , you certainly dont . you see , im afraid youre dying . dying .  . yes . its a number of factors , really whooping cough , hectic fever , cancrum otis , wellingtons ooze , the lambeth plague , and skull collapse . how long do i have . five , six weeks tops . you might live to see the wheat eared warbler return to swinton park . but i wouldnt count on it . you want me to tell the employees , sir . no . its better that they hear it from me . ill tell them the truth in the simplest way i know how . aw , why did burns make us all come here . i bet hes got something up his sleeve . i dont like that he hired a band to play ominous music . good evening . i have very sad news for all of you . or maybe hes going to jack up our electric rates . whew . i will have to hand crank my wiener warmer . hand crank my wiener warmer . the truth is im dying . hell , yeah . finally , a break for the black man . this better not be a gag . its not . my days are roman numeraled . stop this . stop this at once , or ill or what . youre just gonna die soon anyway . im warning you . you are making a very powerful temporary enemy . sir , youd better not rile them up . the first course is oysters on the half shell . i see . im well and truly hated . however , you will change your tune when you see the legacy im leaving behind me . im leaving all my money to an orchard that will grow inedible me shaped fruits . theyre as addictive as they are poisonous . melt his ice sculpture . its starting to drip . la la , i havent a friend in the world . you have me , sir . i pay you , smithers . no kind of love can come from one man paying another . well , but theres ill just retire to my bed . uh thats where we put everyones coats . shred them in the wood chipper , and use the rags to wax my car . why does everyone hate me . sir , what are you doing . smithers , i want to die quietly , on my own terms crushing as many of those baby sea turtles as i possibly can . good bye, , insufficiently cruel world . oh , no anthill , wasp nest , moose poop , mr . burns mr . burns .  . my poop stick has brought him back to life . but which end . what do you want . come on , man , leave me alone . friend . you my mommy daddy . whoa . your brains have turned to oatmeal . my name oatmeal . this is too weird , man . wait for oatmeal . oh . what am i gonna do with you . look , i know youre cool now , but my dad hates you more than celery , and my mom said no new pets , so im hiding you in my room . oatmeal accept premise . marge bart , who are you talking to . mr . burns whines and whats all that noise . ah , im playing with my sergeant activity doll . doll why not buy another of me . hmm . well , okay . okay , . ill find you some food . me not feel good . hey pal , you look like you lost your best friend . mm . he was more than a friend . he was the reason i got up in the morning . because he would inject me with coffee at a . m . in the back of the head . my new boss will never take his place . new boss , huh . whats he like . oh , a lot like my old boss . ruthless . went to yale . made a fortune in energy . basically hairless . oh , yeah . he likes to stack men naked . i guess thats a start . a philanthropist , a humanitarian , a man of peace these are among the people whove come today to spit in montgomery burns open grave . the fact that burns did nothing to lessen the salivary salvos . hold , please . you may continue . i hope they use that spit for a good cause , like sealing wedding envelopes . or helping a railroad worker grip his sledgehammer . now theyre dancing on his grave . dance , you sons of bitches . dance like its me down there . thank god mr . burns isnt alive to see this . bart come back . im not finished giving you your bath . doll attack during their sacred holiday . hmm , apparently mr . burns is in a state of shock from the trauma he underwent . oh man , this is great . the most evil man in town is in our power . he will do my bidding at that fantasy football auction . and anything else my limited imagination can come up with . just because mr . burns was mean to you , that doesnt give you the right to abuse him when hes helpless . marge , its the golden rule treat others the way they mess with you . its not up to you . were going to take him to our moral and civic leaders . theyll know the right thing to do . all those in favor of treating mr . burns the way he messed with us , say aye . crowd aye . people of springfield . to quote shakespeare , the quality of mercy is not strained . crowd boo . you know , it takes a lot for an eight year to stand up in front of the whole town . eight year . i always thought you were a midget . were called little people , and im not one . people of springfield , as a nerd , i understand your desire for revenge , but this sweet , harmless man is not the same remorseless monster who tormented us all . hes close enough . yeah , seaside heights aint maui , but , uh , you take what you can get . whoa . you done pullin the wings off of those bees . almost , mr . vice president . may i ask why im doing this . i dont know . im bored . when my old boss got bored , he liked to listen to thomas edison reciting mary had a little lamb on a wax cylinder . what do you think i am , i got a mypod full of lee greenwood . now boy , everyone in town gets burns for half an hour to do as they will . this town cant teach its kids or collect its garbage , but we lead the nation in pointless revenge . amen . oh . okay , burnsie , follow the carrot . dad . youre gonna wreck him for everybody . dont worry , boy . another girder always swings in for you to walk on right when you get to the end . wheres the other girder . ow . okay , heres your choice cash in my hands or blood on the jerky . i believe you want the assistant manager , sir . oh , i cant shoot him . ive got him next . well , that is your bad luck , because he is mine right now . come back in half an hour . he can be your accomplice . i was going to take him ice skating . what was that . nothing . what was that . ice skating . do you do axels and salchows . what do you do . check out my new dad . sorry , lame o . its which makes him my uncle ed for an hour . no , its saturday , which makes him that guy at the youth center who really believes in me . theres still time for me to turn my life around , right . its not that easy , man . all yours . what did you do with him . found a way to use him as a bong . dad , mr . burns is here for you again . already . a little tired of revenge , are we . yeah , ive done all i can do in that medium . all right . mr . burns , im going to show you that not all of us in this town are vindictive and cruel . not today . i thought , after all you went through , you just might want to spend an hour in a place where you felt at home . lots of room for friends . actually , sir , the man who lived here didnt have many friends . but youre a better person than he ever was . thats me . yes , technically its you . but like i said , people change . and they can also bloody well change back . daddys home . i dont have time for the papers , smithers . any terrorist attacks on american soil today . im sorry , but no . oh burns smithers . trading me in for a younger model , i see . mr . burns . youre alive . im so happy i could hug you . and me smell like drugstore cologne the rest of the day . i dont think so . you may hug my shadow . oh , mr . vice president ive loved this time weve spent in this dormant volcano , but youre leaving me , arent you . i am . you realize that every time i dont get what i want , al qaeda wins . can i go now . yes . i just need to erase your memory . burns attention , insects . the foot of reckoning has arrived . hey there , mr . burns . for our half hour , i thought wed have a picnic in the park . silence , you sadistic monster . ive got my memory back , and im going to wreak a terrible vengeance . taking an idea i got from a stephen king book , im going to cover this town with a dome . its been done . really . you dont say . did you know about this . mm hmm . i see . well , what if i cover you all with a cube of bulletproof plexiglas .  . uh , its pretty much the same thing . plus we could always dig ourselves out , although that never seems to occur to anybody . set er down , smithers . mr . burns , you cant hurt us after all weve done for you . what the devil are you talking about . you were given six weeks to live , and youve outlived it . i think what kept you alive was that for once in your life you were helping other people . could it be . perhaps kindness did keep me alive . young man , would you like a lemon drop . mmm . it wasnt kindness that was keeping me alive , it was bile building up inside . loathing is my life blood , and rage my royal jelly . so yes , thank you , springfield , for giving me the secret to eternal life  hate . youre welcome . what are you doing here . you were my father for two hours , and im not letting this dad get away . oh . preposterous . i wont be bismarcked into fathering anyone . listen , old man . i need someone to cheer me on in the school play . and its gonna be you , or this copters goin down . you know ill do it . thank god your son cant see the way youre behaving . my son . my son .  . the truth is i dont have a son . haw haw . haw haw . haw haw . thats my boy . shh . springfield . doh . mm hmm oh . doh . oh , dont be scared , boys . thats just the angels bowling . and so the bloody hangman , his hair sticky with blood , skittered along the cobblestones , gunk dripping from his one good eye , singing his evil land chantey . ker shaw, , im after you with my bloody noose strong enough to hang ten moose ker shaw, , its just a story but its really true . marge homer , are you scaring those kids . no , im not . yes , i am . the bloody hangman walks on his stubby bone feet through the plague ridden streets of london you said it was boston . did i . anyway , the bloody hangman set to his gory work . bodies piled up like those stackable plastic chairs . like those chairs in the music room . possibly . the hangmans here . ker shaw, , my lies have come true . huh . its a pigeon . aw , the poor guy hurt his wing . hey , theres a number on him . what is it . i bet its a combination to a safe . or , more likely , the phone number of the birds owner . ask about the safe . no , better yet , act like you know about the safe . man hello . yes , i believe i have your pigeon , raymond bird , and i need to know how to return him to you . hes a homing pigeon , girlie . why dont you let him fly home . unless you want to spring for a limo . yes , he could fly home , except that he has a broken wing . perhaps you and your sarcasm could come to springfield and retrieve him . are you kidding . wherever i go , birds gotta come with me . and they all want to sit in the front seat with daddy . looks like youre going to have to take care of him , bart . me . just what in my long , sad history with frogs makes you think i can take care of a bird . no , listen , dont tell anyone , but i cant stand pigeons . theyre like rats with wings . hes crawling on your arm . oh okay , maybe hes not so bad . oh . no . no . no . get off . get off . get off . okay , ray , your wing is healed . go on . live your life . aw , cmon , man . admit it  you knew this day would come . you and i have shared too many seed bells to just walk away from this . go ahead , make fun of me . i lost my heart to a bird . haw haw . man , you were not into that . whats wrong . my mom ran off with my birthday clown . all finished , boy . that coop looks a little flimsy . flimsy . this gentle pat says different . doh . now that youre officially my bird , let me fill you in on the pecking order around here . the top dog is me , followed by the top dog , the dog then the cat and then you but dont feel bad . youre ahead of milhouse . cmon bart . how long can you stay mad . i thought your race car was a transformer . nothings one thing anymore . sorry , man , its still too soon . no problem . ill just be right behind this fence , whenever youre ready to forgive me . now . do you forgive me now . now . now . im scared , bart . announcer bored by black and white footage of world war ii . recently uncovered color footage will get you back in the game . order this dvd now , featuring dictator commentary by hitler and mussolini . and as a special bonus , the story of the carrier pigeon  the allies winged warrior . general patton , this bird has a message for you . theres a bomb in my helmet . caesar can have his eagle , alexander the great his gryphon ill take the american fighting pigeon any damn day . wow , ray , you have hidden talents . is he good at tic tac , like that chicken i played , lost to , and ate at the state fair . no , i was thinking we could use him to send messages back and forth . way ahead of you . mom , why am i so repulsed by pigeons . it doesnt make any sense . im a member of people for the ethical treatment of amoebas , the league of women vultures , the naac porcupines , kids for squids , the acl unicorns , clamnesty international and , uh well , those are the best ones . sweetie , everyone has an animal they cant stand . indiana jones had snakes , the grizzly man had grizzlies , and you know , im not crazy about opossums . really . those creepy little claws opossum . mom , its just maggie . oh . aww whos a possum . youre a possum . whats that . ill tell you later . oh . what the .  . all right , i wont ask who sent this note if i can use the bird to send a note of my own . as long as it means were not learning . deal . every day since we broke up is the greatest day of my life . is that from edna . i feel for you , seymour . if you ever need a shoulder to lean on , im here for you . p . s . chalmers and i are doing it .  . she was on the rebound from willie . oh , a carrier pigeon . perhaps an update on the siege of khartoum . do a ballet dance without no clothes on . bad grammar , good advice . ill catch up with you guys later . hey , homer , you ever think about racing that bird . you can race pigeons . hey , if it moves , you can bet on it . what about the detroit lions . now , lay off detroit . them people is living in mad max times . but i was thinking you could enter this bird in the annual springfield to shelbyville birditarod . hmm . hmm . me , the patriarch of a bird racing dynasty . congratulations , homer . danica patrick in my thoughts . thats right , homer . im contractually obligated by my sponsors to appear in random fans fantasies . better not tell marge about this . you brickyard bimbo . ended that a little too soon . what they dont suspect is that im into this . hear that , boy . youre gonna be a racing pigeon . its getting a little chilly i better put a blanket on ray . whoa . dad , help . stupid dog . let go of that delicious bird . no . come on out , birdie . follow the sound of my voice . its just as well . theres no such thing as a birditarod . it was just a trick to scam you out of your house . good day . taps , what do you think , mom . well , ask your new father . you havent earned the right to say that to me . dearly beloved , id like to open this service with the words of emily dickinson hope is the thing with feathers oh , stupid dog . this funeral just got depressing . lets lighten up the mood , boys . gray skies are gonna clear up put on a happy face brush off the clouds and cheer up put on a happy face . thanks . that song does make me feel a little better . its from bye birdie . you really dont get it . the itchy and scratchy show . your crimes against the animals have gone before the jury . we probably should deliberate , but were kind of in a hurry . i never met a dog i didnt hate . ah , yes . a little hair of the dog that bit me . i hope youve learned something here . mr . and mrs . simpson , bart has been very sad lately . we know . and were going to do something about it . no , . please dont do anything . not only have his grades gone up , but the enthusiasm has gone out of his pranks . i mean , take a look at this . if anything , i was wondering if you could make him sadder . how can you say a thing like that . marge , listen to the man he pays barts salary . no , he doesnt . why cant you support my gibberish . id do it if you were stupid . marge , homer , this marital discord is perfect . but please , save it for home where your son can see it . oh . bart , santas little helper , come on in . a shrink that takes kids and pets . hey , in this economy , ill even remove tattoos . even my tramp stamp . i got the idea from a show where people regret these . homie , why dont you study these . oh , baby . well , what do you know . oh , come on . so , marge , what i understand from our phone conversation is you have a very poor service provider . i bought it because catherine zeta jones told me to . what a fool i was . secondly , theres been a major breach of trust between bart and santas little helper . well , he shouldnt kill birds . its not right . that is correct , according to human standards . but all a dog can do is follow his animal inclinations , right . i guess . so , bart , as the one with the larger brain nicely done , boy . maybe you can find it in your heart to forgive him . see . hes a questionable character . he used to hang around racetracks , you know . bart , could you wait outside . its not going to work . you have to give the dog away . are you sure . as sure as i am that ill be billing you for that torn magazine . oh , thats pretty sure . subscription rate , right . newsstand . doh . why is it coming with us . and for once , im not talking about lisa . its amazing how i can feel sorry for you and hate you at the same time . im sure theres a german word for it . were bringing the dog because weve found him a new home at a farm upstate where he can run and play all day . youre gonna put him down . no . for once , a pet going to a farm upstate really is going to a farm upstate . what about all the other pets you told us went to a farm upstate . hmm . backyard , toilet , ocean , dont know , backyard , flanders mailbox , lennys freezer , tire fire . this is where were ditching the dog . well , ditching is a harsh word . enough chitchat . time for operation dog dump . it wasnt really a lot of chitchat . it was still too much . well take good care of your dog . im sure you will , because you take such good care of your ostriches . doh . maybe we should get going . bart , sweetie , would you like to say good bye . well , boy , i guess this is it . weve shared a lot of great memories , like the time we got our picture in the paper with the caption whos walking who . i mailed them the answer , but they never printed it . but its not my fault youre leaving , its yours . because you should never , ever kill a bird . ever . id like a moment to myself . oh , unknown caller . hey . all right , you , give me back my phone and nobody gets hurt . you said nobody gets hurt . those were your exact words . so , lisa , do you want an ostrich feather centerpiece . not really . well , weve got to buy something . help . kill the bird . never kill a bird . never kill a bird . why , you little pa . you got to see this . oh , right , i i forgot . oh . more oxycontin candy , sweetie . mm hmm . well , boy , i guess i owe you an apology . whos a bird eating monster . you are . you are . yes , you are . aw . well , bart learned a lesson , and most important of all , we dont have to stop and pick up dinner . you do for me . homer help me . shh . springfield . aah . wrong holiday , stupid . mechanical santa ho , . ho , . i could use some help . marge , im watching a rerun of an important bowl game . announcer and that last touchdown makes it to . maggie . lisa , what are you doing . marking a crime scene . to celebrate an ancient pagan ritual , this tree was cut down and tarted up like a dime a floozy . oh next youll have a problem with my gingerbread house . you mean your gingerbread mcmansion . hey , show some respect . three gingerbread workmen died making that . im sorry , but this legs gonna have to go . youre gonna be okay . its almost over . now to take care of the witnesses . hey , i need those cookies for santa . at least someone around heres got the christmas spirit . yep . come midnight , ill be sitting here with cold cookies , warm milk , and hot lead . what . for the last three years , ive asked that rosy cheeked nog hog for a dirt bike , and all he brought me was a zillion lame o toys that i immediately broke and threw in this bag . but you wanted those toys . i wanted them till i got them . but this year , im gettin my dirt bike . even mac davis himself couldnt save this christmas . great , mom . now i lost track of my pump count . one pump , two pump bowl full of jelly , pump lead in his belly what . all aboard the polar express . direct service to the north pole , with stops at candy cane corners , sugarplum square , jack frost junction , fa la lane , nutcracker street , and hanukkah heights . some express . were flying . yep , shell fly , all right . you just got to keep her happy . strange days have found us strange days have tracked us down excuse me , mr . goblin . elf . im an elf . whatever you say . um , look , how do i get to santa . oh , no . only the top elves get to meet santa . you start in the wrapping room . thatll take you right down . whoa , . what are you doin . that leads to the daycare center . you take the freight elevator . isnt this the busy season . where is everybody . laid off . after nafta , a lot of these jobs went to the south pole . well , who needs wrapping paper , anyway . just stick a bow on the toy and youre ready to go . bow , bing , bang , boom . oh . you are clearly too smart to be down here with these dingle bells . im promotin you to toy inspector . uh , the rest of youse , youre laid off . scram . i cant lose my health insurance . my lungs are full of candy cane dust . hey , you twos can go work for the easter bunny . oh thats right . he aint real . kid , you got a lot of shoddy , money saving ideas . like a major airline , but you were here on time . come with me . so youre the brown nosed reindeer thats jingled all the way to the top . just point me to santa . oh , i know what youre after . the toy you never got . youre out of your elfin mind . oh , really . well , let me ask you this . how many kids bring a gun to meet santa . okay . you got me . and im gettin my dirt bike . and you cant stop me . security . no disrespect , fat man , but youd better crap out a dirt bike . close the door , boy . i cant afford to heat the whole north pole . listen here , kringle . i may have been naughty this year . but by todays standards , naughtys nothing . i didnt get anybody pregnant . i didnt facebook a kid to death . make with my dirt bike . kid , this companys bust . for years ive been giving out free toys and getting cookies in return . its not a sustainable business model . oh , come on , man . things arent that bad . theyre pretty bad . im eating my own reindeer here . oh you win . thats a good boy . you go home now , and maybe therell be a nice pair of work socks under your tree . you dont have to do that . i have socks . ill give you socks . thanks , kid . now you better head home . im sure in the years of earth time youve been gone , your parents have gotten worried . kids never change . always dumb as potatoes . it was december th , on hollis ave at the dark when i seen a man chillin with his dog at the park i approached him very slowly , with my heart full of fear looked at his dog  oh , my god . a ill reindeer . but then i was illin cause the man had a beard and a bag full of goodies , so i turned my head a second and the man chief wiggum pull over . hey kid , you ever wanted a train for christmas . this ones yours . why cant they leave a poor tree in the woods where it belongs . bing crosby ill be home for christmas if only in my dreams . hey , that song goes out to all the g . i . s overseas and the folks missing em here at home . brought to you by chesterton cigarettes . chesterton  they feel like me , singing in your throat . can it really be christmas when one of our parents is facing the german army . simpson , get your helmet on im trying . it just keeps popping off . ach du lieber . you can make it through this , marge . just think of homer . hey , simpson . how come you aint in combat like a real man . im too fat to fit in a foxhole . kids , remember when i promised to feed us from that victory garden . well , instead , i grew this tree . dont dare bring that thing in here . what . you dont want a christmas tree . thats crazy . next you wont want a christmas ham . dont worry about that . i love meat and i always will . mm mm . that is some sweet pig meat . but as for christmas trees , i used to love them , until last year this tree reminds me of your father . its round in the middle , thinning on top , and your hands get sticky when you touch it . simpson , youre shipping out tonight . right before christmas . hitler doesnt take a holiday . well , he does , but he doesnt tell people till the last minute , so they cant make plans . bastard . marge but i oh so i never want to see another christmas tree until mom comes back , safe and sound . sweetie , if your mother was in trouble , theyd tell us as soon as they could . telegram . doh . marge is mia . oh , my god . she changed her name . no , that says shes missing in action . oh , no . see . every time we get a tree , mom disappears . why couldnt it have been me . it still could be . you just have to go down to the recruiting station and  shut up . huh . oh , no . this is where they took mom from me . ive been waiting for you . your mom paid for this tree last year , but never took it . ive watered it , kept it fresh , and every time i look at this blue spruce , it reminds me of your good old mom . here , let me trim it for you . and decorate it a little . its a sign . moms okay . thank you . yeah . my only sale all year and its not even a sale . whose turn is it to cry . yours . quit your bellyaching about marge and let me read the paper . homer look at that picture . oh , for cryin out loud . huh . i thought you said you didnt want a tree . yes , but then i learned that theres always hope . someday this war will be over . someday our mom will be back . someday tv will be invented , and it will be free . then it will cost money . but until then , this tree will stand for everything mom believes in home , family , and constantly sweeping up needles . o tannenbaum , o tannenbaum all wie treu sind deine bl tter du gr nst nicht nur zur sommerzeit nein auch im winter , wenn es schneit i pooped my tights . ah . nein , why did i go to the show .  . das ist hitler . auf wiedersehen . this is the last time i bring these two to bed at the same time . ive always believed in you even when others didnt . can you help save our family christmas . marge simpson . marge simpson , im on my way . wake up , marge . magical memories dont make themselves . martha stewart . how did you get in here . a picket fence stood on its end makes a sturdy and attractive ladder . now lets make that bed . a smattering of pinecones . and with a little bit of work , this wedding dress can make a great dust ruffle . b but i was gonna  oh . so this stuff will just shampoo out , huh . why would you want to shampoo it out . me and milhouse had a snowball fight , then an ice ball fight , then a fight fight . you boys want to play soldier . i cant think of a better way to spend jesuss birthday . im not sure i like where this is going . well , im not sure anyone asked your opinion . squeeze your shoulder blades together . now march , and after an hour you can relax with some hand shaved hot cocoa and a trial subscription to martha stewart living . both yay . and out . ms . stewart , i made a star for the tree out of discarded water bottles . lovely , dear , except i would have soaked the labels off with warm water . then i would have melted the plastic down in the double boiler and poured it into a candy mold . and finally , i wouldnt have presented it quite so proudly . ill go outside and make snow angels . lie face down and your beautiful smile will be molded into the snow . okay . now this is a challenge . there , a slumbering hubby is now a traditional christmas tableau . copyright martha stewart . hes starting to wake up . a little of my hubbys holiday helper will calm him right down . dont worry , marge , its a good thing . there , . shh martha , the house looks beautiful . its like christmas with a childless gay couple . but its just not the same without my family being themselves . well , thanks for wasting my time . ill just wave my magic wand and turn everything back the way it was . you have a magic wand . yes , i made it myself . take an old car antenna , marinate it overnight in the tears of a heartbroken leprechaun , bake at till a rainbow shoots out of the oven , and there you go . i guess ill never have a perfect christmas . merry christmas , mom . we brought you breakfast in bed . now we just have to make it . its beginning to look a lot like breakfast everywhere you go youll be oh so pleased when the oj is freshly squeezed and the toast is made from homemade  doh . were gonna go out for breakfast well go out to eat itll be any place you choose , as long as its run by jews cause they dont think this holidays so great . alohaoe , hurry up , kids . we got to get to the airport . did you get a good house sitter . moe szyslak , house sitter extraordinaire . sticks and stones may break my bones ow . hey , stop it . oh , cookies . great at the chewing , not so hot at the swallowing . now , remember , pack only necessities . hey , baby , its moe . calling youse from my new bachelor pad at evergreen terrace . yeah , okay , sugar plum , ill see you soon . hey , get this off . hey , get this off . now nothing stands between us and sunny hawa burns merry humbug , everyone . ay yi . whats wrong , homie . i got the week off by telling mr . burns i had a neck injury . mr . burns , whyd you come to see me . well , last night , i had a visit from three spirits . i wish this show had a visit from three new writers . wait , whats this . carpetbags and portmanteaus . going somewhere , simpson . uh , hey , guys , uh , youll need this on your trip to hawaii aah . hmm , your goblin fainted . not a goblin . simpson , wheres your christmas tree . coming . flanders homer , give me back my tree . well , i wont interrupt your holiday any longer . merry christmas to all and to all a good  pop superstarfashionista katy perry .  . what are you people doing in my boyfriend moes bachelor pad . thats right , shes into puppets . just whats going on here . fine , ill come clean . its a christmas miraculum . no , its not . i just told a lie so we could go to hawaii . you lied to me . release the hounds . oh , theyll be here any minute . we , uh , blew the budget on katy perry . doh . someone totally needs a hug . i kissed a girl and i liked it . all is forgiven , simpsons . go and enjoy ha vah . just as soon as we sing one christmas carol . oh , man , not the lame o days of christmas . of course not . i want to sing the original , unabridged days of christmas . and a one and a two fops a fopping fishwives hawking coopers cooping bootblacks buffing buskers busking something alchemists transmuting dutchmen plotting doctors leeching average lifespan . announcer tonights simpsons episode was brought to you by the symbol umlaut and the number e . not the letter e , but the number whose exponential function is the derivative of itself . well , its been a long run , but i think thisll kill it . what , the simpsons . no , christmas . bart we did that one already . homer shh . i ill just kiss your belly button . oh , uh , thats not my belly button . but i didnt say stop . springfield . i dont even want to smell sparkling apple juice again . aw . poor baby . come on , bart . afraid of a little apple juice . pig in a blanket . dads underwear . aunt selmas leg . i hate new years eve . i cant believe i made out with ryan seacrest on the tv screen . lets just take it easy . we all made mistakes on new years eve . theres only one upside to today . come on , just one more drink , marge . both happy new year . aah . marge everyone shush . why are you hungover . i didnt see you drink last night . i didnt . i got secondhand wasted from smooching your father . so not a peep out of anyone till the fiesta bowl . thats not for five hours . i know when the freaking fiesta bowl is . sweetie , relax . lets just watch some tv . new years eve might be over in america , but were still rocking hard in samoa . and here come the blue angels waking up the shrieking wah wah birds . well , . simpson , youve committed springfields first crime of the new year . write him up , lou . huh . whatd i do . failed to separate your bottles and newspapers . that used to cover two public nudities and a poop in the park . aah . thats vandalizing city property . write him up again , lou . what the hell .  . mild obscenity before a . m . also illegal . come on , lou . give me a break . sorry , sir . i take no pleasure in it . da da , dee , da da , oh , yeah . since when is all this against the law . since today . as of jan one , a bunch of new ordinances  with , uh , outrageous financial penalties  took effect . oh , i get it . the government runs out of money , so they pass a bunch of lame o laws to sock it to the little guy . fine . youre telling it like it is . also a crime now . and that ones going to cost you . thats almost . rounding up your total  thats a fine . wow , homer . this years only hours old , and its already your annus horribilis . my new years resolution was to learn latin . uh , listen , homer  i know a guy who fixes things for folks who need things fixed . but , uh , i cant talk about it here . eh , still not private enough . uh , this is private , but a little dank . uh , whoopsie . glinda , madame morrible , flying monkeys there , can you tell me how i can get back to my bar . moe , youve always had the power to get back to the bar . whoa . its a chimpan me . maybe we should let these people enjoy their show . homer , what you do is go down to window nine at the courthouse . you slip the guy bucks , and your record is as clean as uh , i aint got nothing , uh , clean to compare it to . ten minutes . i cant wait that long . i left an ice cream cone in my cup holder . hold on . i will get help . must break glass . no . homer simpson , you are under arrest for attempted bribery of a public official . chief , this is just a big misunderstanding . i meant to write bride . its a wedding present . oh , how thoughtful . aah . my bribe . cuff him , lou . oh , this is supposed to be the happiest day of my life , and its ruined . homer simpson , you are hereby sentenced to ten years in the federal penitentiary . its okay . its okay . i can be out in months with good behavior . were simpsons , dad . we dont do good behavior . dont tell me im not capable of good behavior . your honor , i would like to request a sidebar . granted . chief wiggum ten years . that is a long time to be away from your family . all that time ill be stuck in my cell , unable to exercise . actually , most convicts work out like crazy . i repeat unable to exercise . look , simpson , there is one thing you can do to get out sooner , but , uh , it is extremely dangerous . simpson , we are currently conducting a investigation into the activities of anthony fat tony damico . what , this guy . oops . were going to plant you in fat tonys gang as an undercover informant . i cant go undercover with fat tony . hes met me . ive been in his house . i was briefly his conserigliary consugly canoliar robert duvall . everyone knows fat tony , so were going to plant you in the prison with a disguise and a new name . can i be johnny undercover . thats a little obvious . okay . melvin mafia . no . you will be known as nicky blue pants altosaxophony . can i keep the name after im done . no . it belongs to the government . oh . man over p . a . no ice cream available . children , stay away . now , pay attention . were going to move in on fat tony when he takes delivery on a shipment of belgian guns . in your left sideburn is a fiber optic camera . in your right , a wireless mic . to zoom in , you go , ayyy . to zoom out , go , ohhh . ayyy . ohhh . ayyy . ohhh . fuhgetaboutit . that activates the auto destruct . dear lord , watch over my sweet homie while hes in the hoosegow . keep him safe from shanks and shivs . let him become rich in the jail yard currencies of cigarettes and dried fish . uh , whats my name again . okay , im coming . id like a third helping , please . you do know the meat is made from diseased pigeons . just get the ladle down there deep . thats where the beaks are . hey , youre that guy from the fb  mmph . time to go to work . stop licking my hand . there was barbecue sauce on it . heres how it goes down i rough up louie . then you stand up to me , earning his trust . but i havent earned his trust if its based on a lie . enough of your dime store morality . whats a dime store . i aah . blue pants power . ow . hey . hey , nicky blue , youre one tough yegg . if you come out of your beating in one piece , you and i should have a face to . beating . what beating . oh , that beating . dont worry . were not going to touch you . well make it sound like a beating by tenderizing these steaks . can i have any of the steaks . no . homer thats so mean . whoa . im impressed over here with that guy over there . please . let me have it . come on . give it to me right in the mouth . well , back in my keister you go . we brought someone to spring you . now , let us escort you to freedom . how are you going to do that . lets just say this prison was built by mob construction workers . hes in . aw , for  i was going to say that . whats going on . i called the prison and they wont tell me where homer is . sorry , marge , i cant tell you . if it makes you feel better , i can tell you about someone else . oh . how about krusty in the drunk tank . aha . if , jews control the media , why cant i get on jimmy kimmel , huh . huh . so . what do you think of the sauce . i detect a distinct lack of oregano . ill take care of this . you carry oregano with you . oregano , basil , rosemary i i think i got a ketchup packet for you , boss . did you order french fries and not use it . well , they gave me two packets , but i only needed one . what other secrets are you hiding from me . i i bring my own candy to the movie theater . louie my beloved anna maria . i hope heavens powder room is painted that eggshell blue you could never achieve on earth . sorry , boss . no apology necessary . i am touched . you and me , nicky . we feel . legs , louie , jimmy the axe , tommy the face shooter they never share my grief . yeah . those guys are probably fbi informants . you think an informant could get that close to me . oh , yeah . i got in your gang , and you barely know who i am . that is good counsel indeed . you have earned my complete , unquestioning trust . but first , one little thing . you must make your bones . wh what are we doing here . i will tell you . when i call for my russian business partner , yuri nator , i dont expect to be screamed at like i was some ten year punk making a prank call . yuri nator . yuri nator . hey , my mouth is begging for a yuri nator . be careful what you wish for . why , you im going to chop you into little pieces , and make you into a rubiks cube , which i will never solve . well , i guess i could tell him he could improve his phone etiquette . tell him with fire . oh hoo . whats the matter , nicky . you got a problem with this job . oh , no , . i was , uh , just thinking how cheap this crime wouldve been in the s , when gas was cents a gallon . it was either this , or put in a ladies room . exquisite . as a reward , ive planned a little surprise for you . this is horrible . i keep smelling my own breath . nicolas blue pants , you have shown great fazagabool in the face of overwhelming spoogatzagatini . huh . youre a made man , my friend . welcome . oh nicky , welcome to the family . from now on , you dont know where you end and we begin . your problems are our problems . my neck is kind of itchy . then all of our necks are itchy . now that you mention it , itchy like crazy . i gotta shave my back . aw . nicky , my friend , tonight is a big score ive been setting up for months . just you and me . sharing it together . to heterosexual male friendship , the kind the greeks wrote about . huh . here they are . my belgian guns . belgian guns . ive been waiting half my life for this moment . supervisor all units , move in . tony , you got to get out of here , now . what . why . dont ask questions , just go . whats gotten into you . youre as nervous as a cat when johnny kick a walks into the room . verlaat de vuurwapens op het dok en wij kunnen een chimay bier drinken . get a shot of tony with the guns . um , eh fbi supervisor closer . ayyy fbi supervisor too close . ohhh . closer . ayyy . too close . homer ohhh . perfect . wait a minute . how could you , nicky . i would have given you everything . in the strip club of my heart , you held the key to the champagne room . i loved you , man . hes dead . no . youre wrong . check again . fuhgetaboutit . homer , i just want to say that of all the rat bastards weve had working for us , you were the snitchiest . so thats it . you used me to kill a man , and all i get is a handshake and a blanket . we didnt say you could use the blanket . and im not gonna shake your hand . poor tony . he didnt deserve this . he was just a soldier in a war he started . homie , i know you had a terrible experience , but its over . its not over , marge . itll never be over . when i shut my eyes , all i see is fat tony and me having drinks at that bar on the beach . you never took me to that bar on the beach . oh . well , uh you wouldnt like it its not very good . sounds pretty good . no , i oversold it . id give anything to bring you back . male voice wake up , homer . homer huh . wha . fat tony . no . im his cousin from san diego  fit tony . wow , ive never seen a mobster use a track suit for exercising . and theres no better exercise than killing and disemboweling a big , fat snitch . i understand . i loved him too . your tears seem in no way crocodilian . do what you got to do . the quicker you kill me up here , the quicker he can kill me down there . join me on the elliptical machines . i will let you live for i worked for fat tony . and he was the best boss i ever had . well . this is awkward . what . oh , uh , mr . burns . uh , you were cool , too . oh , i so believe that . he took me to a fight that he fixed , but he never let on , not even when i bet on the wrong guy . then he said he would dope a horse for me . homer , it is time to switch your elliptical machine to cool down mode . are you going to kill me now . cause im super ready . no . because my cousin lives on in your memories . and to extinguish you would be to whack what still remains of him . wow . the killers have been kind to me . while the people who are supposed to protect me treated me like dirt . what kind of a world is this . its pretty screwed up . thats why i keep my friends close . and your enemies closer . no , why would i do that . if they were close , they would kill me . homer fit tony took his cousins place running the springfield mob . the pressures got to him , so he started to eat . soon , he was known as fit fat tony , then just fat tony for short . and me . now im just an average schnook like everyone else , stuck in this backwater burg where all you can count on is your family , and the only one who ever shot anyone is the baby . i have to admit , its a pretty good life . regrets , ive had a few but , then again , too few to mention i did what i had to do i saw it through without exemption i planned each chartered course each careful step shh . springfield . doh . dodgeball . girl yay , dodgeball . were down to our final four huckers . three wily fourth graders and one scrappy fifth gradesman . to the death . ha ah where do you want your ball mark , face or belly . how about in your dreams . hee yah . im not the coach . there is no coach . i just wanted to see if you were wearing a bra . oh . your four eyes saw a lot today , milhouse . whats the skinny . the fifth graders played a great game . they got a great program up there . great fans . but this was just our day . whatever happens , they can never take away aah . the ball never touched the ground  and i caught it . that means fifth graders win . no way . what a rip . shut your gobs . i only took this refereeing job cause i was cold and needed a shirt . i hate you fifth graders . i deem this victory pyrrhic . all pyrrhic . pyrrhic . your response is puerile . all puerile . puerile . there goes the fifth grade floatin down the delaware chewin on their underwear , cant afford another pair ten days later , bitten by a polar bear thats how the polar bear died . how dare they dishonor the lyrics of old gray mare . how dare they . zach . zach . who did this to you . it was it was the fourth graders . i like to think my kids would know how to lose gracefully . in the fifth grade , we teach character . mike , lets be adults here . youre right , edna . fourth sucks . oh , thats it . why , i oughta hey , fourth graders , can you help us with our fractions . oh , wait , you cant . they aint even read where the red fern grows yet . thats it . we challenge you to a rumble . challenge accepted . this is gonna be great . a real rumble , just like in that movie where the jets fought the sharks . hmm rumble it is . after school , rain or shine . anybody want to wait for shine . yeah . yeah . yeah . yeah . definitely shine . its agreed  no biting , no throwing rocks , no face farts , flying face farts , backdoor haircuts , nad noogies , moist michaels , and absolutely no brazilian hardwood . is this a rumble or a harvest dance . okay , you want hardwood . no , . then lets do this thing . you know , if they do this regularly , maybe it could count as gym . did you wear those same clothes yesterday . no . i have two identical sets of these clothes . i see . with a stain on the shirt in the exact same place . things arent good at home . rumble . why dont you head on home , pal . bless you . huh . whered you get that scar . i had it as long as i can remember . why . you call that a scar .  . this is a scar . thats your belly button . everybodys got one . i thought i was special . when did this happen . you sure none of you guys gave me this . im going through my bully logbook here , but i just dont see it . dont be afraid to use your glasses . you shut up . ow . january whaled on jimbo with this book . awaiting results . unqualified success . why do you have to eat peanuts in the shower . cant start the day without that fresh  from the feeling . mom , do you have any idea how i got this scar . i was afraid this day would come . ew . youre sitting on the toilet . when its closed , its a chair . when you were little , i used to take you to a mommy and toddler gym . you were friends with three other boys , and i became close with their moms . but they were a bad influence on you . ah such an innocent time . before cooties ravaged our community . how come we dont get together anymore . the moms and i had a falling out , which was a shame  we had been such good friends . whoa . you dont look like a mom , you look happy . we called ourselves the cool moms . theres nothing cooler than calling yourself cool . maybe we could get back together . awesome . ill get the white wine . you cant buy white wine . why not . are you having red meat . oh . are you through with the chair . ive got to do the taxes . its all yours . number of dependents , three . um , add to line hmm , better check last years return . hm . seven years . a lot of memories . talking , chatting . remember how we used to reminisce . mm hmm . mm hmm . mm hmm . you know who was really happy to get back together . our husbands . been a while since our wives got together , huh . mm . whatever . why are we getting together again . i was so happy when it stopped . lets just shut up and get through this , all right . homer , stop doing that . homer . oh , i got a text . i got a text . are you gonna open it . no , that page isnt optimized for cell phone use why am i talking to you .  . because youre my best friend in the room . bart wow . we all have the same scar . so howd you get yours . my mom wont tell me . my mom will tell me how my dad is in bed , but not about this . ever do a cold drop out of a tree house . only , like , every day . more like all day every day . bart cowabunga . check out my gnarly backwards foot . i said , for the price of this coffee , i should have just flown to brazil . anyone see a good beer commercial lately . asinine . everything you say is asinine . those dudes were intense . im glad you had fun , because were all getting together next week . great . great . oh , and , homie , can you come home early from work tomorrow so i can have a girls night out . sure , ill stay home and skype with the guys at moes . hey , how you doing , home stupid flanders wi fi . uh , that wasnt the wi fi . my bells palsys acting up . yeah , it can be tough , but , you know , i try to stay posit ive been dying to try it . marge , who are you cutting up that chicken for . the kids arent here . huh . oh . myself , i guess . whos kicking . no one . no ones kicking . sorry . im just not used to everyone behaving . oh , marge . if you dont have a life outside your kids , how do you expect to be happy . ive got a great idea . from now on , the four of us will get together every tuesday . go out on a tuesday . who am i , charlie sheen . fine , ill do it . oh oh oh ion . hmm . no . irene ryan is tvs granny . marge thanks for the ride . hmm . this is late for marge . i assume . ive never been home at this hour . marge shh , . hey , marge . partaking of the grape , were we . just a little merlot mmm you want to stay up and talk a while . are you sleepy . im not sleepy . and anitas family rented a beach house , and guess what . they went to the beach every day . oh , great . thats great . but i have to get to work in the morning . but i dont want a beach house . sand makes me sad because it used to be big rocks . but not anymore . not anymore kind of weird , us all being naked in here . were not naked . right . neither am i . listen , any of you guys want to play old maid . dont be a wuss . we all did it . chicken . if i do it , youre supposed to stop . dont tell a chicken when to cluck . youre not the chicken , im the chicken . chicken . oh , three . bart . hey . they dared me to see how many tv remotes i could stick in my mouth . weve got to stop mom from going out with those women . something drove them apart once before . and i bet it has something to do with this scar . ive seen this mark before . on you , every time you come in . i believe it had something to do with comic book guy . comic book guy . thanks . listen . are you going to see him now . you can give him some news for me . tell him its the worst prognosis ever . oh . i knew this day would come . although frankly , i thought it would have been a long time ago . you are very uncurious about your body . all right , comic book guy . tell me my origin story . i will not relive the horror of that day . the answer is no , and i can say it in navi or klingon , which are pretty much the same . i have some theories on that which i will share with you never . you leave me no choice . i hold in my hands a mint condition copy of the legendary interesting stories number . oh . oh , the first appearance of radioactive man . and if you dont tell us what we want to know how do i know that is not a cheap reprint . are you willing to take that chance . yes . no . no . no . ill tell you what you want to know . could we hurry this up . i am really uncomfortable being a girl in this store . very well . i shall tell you what happened to you and your friends several years ago . but for you to understand it , i must go back a little further . our story begins with the creation of middle earth , as recounted in the ainulindal and the valaquenta . behold melkor , proudest of the ainu . look , pal , weve gotta speed this up . fine . children just want to know what is and not why it is . your scar , like tom cruises last good movie , was born on the fourth of july . it was seven years ago , a time when twilight meant the end of the day and not the most barftastic horror franchise of all time . earths single sun was setting , and the mayor began to speak even though most of this town collaborated with the british , and we are still in informal talks to return to their empire , we all love fireworks . crowd yay . traditionally , the fourth of july fireworks were operated by the person most likely to be sober and dateless . once again , the honor fell to me . this is your tv for the year , kids . and the embers is your dinner . while i was busy tending to a critical matter of great delicacy , you and your diaper wearing droogs ruined everything . and that is when the four of you each received the mark of the sword . hmm . every fourth of july i remember that fallen hero . god , how i miss you . so , whats the plan again . i go to see those other guys , we blow this junk up , once again mom decides that theyre a bad influence on me , and she stops seeing those women who make her so happy . what are you boys doing . uh , were doing a project on uh , the subject of something pertaining to here it comes milhouse , im getting tired of waiting . can i go home and think of a lie . yes , you may . mom ill admit it i wanted to create a devastating explosion to get back my mom . aw , bart , sweetie i love you kids with all my heart , but damn it , i need something for myself . i made you a coffee mug on mothers day . isnt that enough . its close , but no . i could light these , but it wouldnt be the same . well , ive put it off but today im finally getting this garage organized . homer guess ill put these tools away . hang em on hooks and such . so bart , the little dickens , was gonna set off an explosion to break us up . can you believe it . actually , we can believe it . what are you talking about . your son always was the bad apple of the bunch . you know nothing about my son and even less about apples . i remember why i left this group seven years ago , and its why im leaving now . good day , ladies . well , since shes gone come here , you . sorry you broke up with your friends , mom . oh , i think they were never my friends . maybe true friends arent random people you meet at a mommy and class . theyre random people you meet in a college dorm . maybe lisa and i can be friends . not with each other , but with you . oh ow . ah . grr . hey , does dad know you and the cool moms broke up . well , homer got along so well with the other dads , i couldnt break it to him . oh . can we at least drink beer or something . why do you keep trying to engage us . hey diddily , homer . oh , you beautiful man . oh that feeling is mutual of omaha . god , youre hilarious . shh . springfield . bart woo hoo . st . patricks day . i love how they made the river green . actually , my nuclear plant did that . and now that you know , your life is in danger . greetings , fellow irishmen and lady irishmen . i , joseph fitzgerald omalley fitzpatrick odonnell the edge quimby , welcome you to springfields first booze free st . patricks day . come on , people . your drunken shenanigans destroy this town every year . and ireland is so much more than the imbibing of spirits . the irish gave the world the paddy wagon , the shamrock shake , and folk dancing where you dont move your arms . wheres the ira when you need em . we renounced the ways of the gun and the bomb . in the old days we wouldve been all over that . oh , no . the northern irish are also having a parade . two kinds of irish people . what are they fighting over . who gets to sleep in the bathtub . actually , those prots and cathies have hated each other for centuries . it always comes down to transubstantiation versus consubstantiation . stop it , both of you . you have a common land , a literature , and the sweetest songs on earth . too ra hush , my little baby hush now , dont you cry all too ra thats an irish lullaby oh , no . without the booze , these guys all remember how much they hate each other . this was such a pleasant st . patricks day until the irish people showed up . urchins . they took my cupcakes . all right , you unwanted miracles , give back the ladys cupcakes . you dont have the teeth for it . aye , but we could gum the frosting . well , if its good gumming youre after , wouldnt you rather have this lovely cabbage . children cabbage , . here you go , maam . not a sprinkle nor jimmy askew . thank you so much , mr patrick farrelly at your service . marge simpson . well , mr . farrelly , the least i could do is offer you a cupcake . mmm . light , moist , and such a marvelous shape retention . marge , i own a small bakery . will you bake for me . me . a professional bakers employee . imagine how different my life would be . here we are at school , kids . hey , what are those boxes in the back . cakes . both see ya . ill do it . bless your heart . you wont regret it . i already dont . homer . ive got great news . ill use my one phone call to find out all about it . mulk request change of venue . green monster cannot get fair trial in downtown springfield . granted . homer simpson . youre a repeat offender . three peat . bail is set at . i make that in a year . i suggest you see a bail bondsman . okay , simpson . all of your information checks out . i called your boss to verify your employment , and he says youre fired for getting arrested . youd be amazed how often that happens . oh . well put up your bail money . just pay us percent and show up for your court date . and if i dont show up . then you gotta deal with me . the names wolf , and im a bounty hunter . if someone skips bail , i track em down and bring em back . i also take a tooth , make a plastic cast , put it on this necklace , then replace the tooth at my expense . well , time to go back to my world of sleazy bars , tattoo parlors , and greasy spoons . what a great job . and i could use a job right now . whoa . not just anyone can be a bounty hunter . you have to pass an online exam . no , wait . they got rid of that . there is a ten dollar filing fee . but you can get around it . congratulations . youre now a bounty hunter . mmm . okay . ive set my trap . now to scatter my cheese cubes and the rats will come . condos . affordable condos . bail jumpers welcome . bail jumpers welcome . thats refreshing , after the cold shoulder we got at the town homes at sterling point . lets not get too excited till we find out if its in a good school district . well , so wait . are we telling people now . stop . in the name of a private citizen with no connection to the law . now are you gonna come quietly , or do i have to now lets think about this . if you shoot me , i wont be able to stop you and youll be free to go . but someone may come after you . probably not , given your reputation for shooting people who come after you . what im trying to say is , not shooting me now would be the biggest mistake of your life . huh . bullet proof glass . flanders . yep . im just replacing the front window of my store , which was broken in the riot . young man , what would your mother say if she knew you were shooting nice people in the brain . shed say that year off from princeton was the worst decision i ever made . well , son , if you take responsibility for your actions , this could be the start of a better life for you . maybe youre right . maybe i should just this case is in the bag . homer , you couldve killed him . i sure couldve . thanks to you . now i can clearly see potential customers walk right past my store . enjoy your shopping elsewhere . hey , ned . i brought you something . what the its your share of the money for bringing in that bail jumper . ned , i never thought id say this , but we make a great team . us . a team . as the salad said to the soup , im all mixed up . we should be bounty hunters together . youre kind and smart . im cruel and strong . together , were nothing . but together , were the perfect bounty hunter . well , i could use money . but you have to promise me something , homer . sure . what is it . we have to do everything by the book . and you have to promise no diddilies or doodlies . my friend , you have a dealaroonie . mmm . mmm . mmm . mmm . marge , your talent with cakes is a rare and precious thing . well , thanks . but ive been wondering . why do you only have me make spheres , rods , and half moon shapes . well , marge , ill tell you , right after i talk to these customers . were going to a bachelorette party for a really naughty girl . yeah . we need something tasty and tasteless . ive got just the thing , courtesy of my newest baker . freshly frosted ass cake . oh , my god . this is an erotic bakery . both mmm . delicious . now what do you have in the way of a suggestive cannoli . we have quite a selection . yes . oh , boy . ill leave you with the book . how could you not tell me this is an erotic bakery . marge , calm down . for as long as theres been baking , theres been erotic baking . it fills a need and harms no one . harms no one . explain that to well , what about i think you forgot about my number one customers are married couples , your friends and neighbors . i just made a custom order for the hibberts . its an exact replica of the good doctors i dont want to know . its not what you think it is . good . its his penis . thats exactly what i was thinking . marge , this is a valuable public service . without your baking , people like me will be forced into back alleys , repurposing ho hos and ding dongs . you have a great gift . dont let it go to waste . well , okay . this taser is awesome . finally , a practical use for electricity . dear lord , thank you for creating so many evil criminals for us to bring in . and also , thank you for my partner homer , who did you just taser my coffee . just warming it up . now to melt the cheese in this croissant . and get rid of a little excess earwax . and smoke a relaxing cigar . homer , can we take it easy on the taser . no problem . our first bail jumper . lets roll . homer , take the taser out of your pants . no , it looks cool . boy . boy . down in the street there is violence and a lots of work to be done man whos there . bible salesman . no place to hang out our washing and i cant blame all on the sun , oh no we gonna rock down to electric a venue and then well take it higher oh , we gonna rock down to electric a venue and then well take it higher workin so hard like a soldier daddys home . i brought you kids some stuff from work . here you go , son . shell casings . whoa . theres still bullets in some of these . point them away from your sisters when you hammer them . yes , sir . whatd you get for me . something for the sweetest little scientist in the world . a new chemistry set . dad , is this from a meth lab . the biggest one in town . this is evidence . evidence that i love my little girl . marge , i brought you some flowers . a full dozen this time . no tricks . homie . i got you something , too . a sterling silver picture frame with pictures of our kids in it . yes , for now . i guess things are working out pretty good at your bakery job . maybe we could order one of your cakes for lisas birthday . how dare you . whatd you do that for . sorry . sorry . muscle spasm . im not convinced . still on the fence . now i believe you . hell be here sooner or later . so how about a little stakeout music . homer , i dont think we have the same musical tastes . well , i like acdc . i like their christian cover band , ad bc . kindly deeds done for free kindly deeds done for free kindly deeds done for free kindly deeds and theyre done for free kindly deeds and theyre done for free ive never seen anyone eat pizza like that . you gotta try it . this way the pepperonis stay intact until they reach your stomach . then bam . man . thats harder to swallow than evolution . youve gotta roll it from the point . here . let me show you . not bad . now let it unfurl in your stomach . there he is . kitten whiskers . theres one thing he didnt count on my reckless indifference to human life . lord , in your mercy , could you give my friend a stroke . seymour , those string beans were cooked to perfection . after twenty years , i am finally starting to like you . just wait for dessert , sir . i made it with you in mind . outstanding . ill just shut my eyes and let you place it before me . agnes seymour , whats going on . im coming down there . quick . well have to eat from each end . well know were safe when our lips meet in the middle . homer , you cant drive a car onto a subway . you need a special sticker just to bring a bike . have you no respect for the law . hey , it worked , didnt it . okay , smart guy . youre going in the bag . wait . i left a sandwich in there . homer , no . you promised . everything was supposed to be by the book . you know what your problem is . you havent become as bad as the people we chase . this partnership is over . ill tell you whats over this partnership . you know , if youd take your foot off the accelerator going downhill , you wouldnt use so much gas . i cant take another word out of you . i cant believe flanders dumped me . marge , do we have any more of your extra iong twinkies . oh , no . those were for mr . smithers commitment ceremony . marge , whats going on . homie , ive got a confession to make . im an erotic baker . i hid it all in the one place youd never look . marge , i could see you withholding sex or withholding cake . but withholding sexy cake . i know we have to move past this but i dont see how . homie , what do you say we go to bed . you , me , and the cake . first , why dont you and i and the cake take a shower . oh . lucky jim , im out of the bounty hunting business . not so fast , ned . i got one more bail jumper for you to pick up . forget it . im turning in my well , i dont really have anything to turn in . so thats that . i suggest you call homer simpson . this is one jumper that homer cant catch . homer . seems he never showed up in court on his st . patricks day arrest . not interested . all right . if you dont want the job , ill just give it to one of these guys . im sure theyre all competent professionals . but youd best leave it to me . hello . hello . anybody home . you jumped bail , homer . i gotta bring you in . what have you done to my family . i figured a good time to pick you up was when they were at lisas recital . and how did you know i wouldnt be there . lucky guess . well , youll never take me alive . forgot my keys . i loved you , man . for the last few weeks . but most of the time ive known you , youve treated me like dirt . you hang onto resentment like a confederate widow . i forgave you for accidentally killing my wife . yeah . but you hold onto the big things . the point is the more i got to know you , the more i got to like you . i like you , too . but you broke the law . so i gotta bring you in . so its gonna be like that , eh . i got you , my friend . thanks . but what are you holding onto . well , im now all we have to do is get out before the concrete hardens . damn it . lest i come and strike the earth with a curse . thus ends the book of malachi . i guess i did know the whole old testament by heart . out with the old , in with the new . testament that is . matthew . the book of the genealogy of jesus christ , the son of david , the son of abraham . abraham became the father of isaac . isaac became the father of jacob . jacob became the father of judah and his brothers . judah became the father of perez and zarah by tamar . simpson , were gonna put you away for a long , time . make it life and youve got a deal . marge dont feel too bad , homie . youll be free tomorrow . and i used all my new baking skills to make a special cake to remind you of me . baby . thanks , marge . springfield . bart ay , caramba . out of gas . but how . i put a dollar in this morning and weve only driven cents . you had to drive with the windows down , didnt you , rockefeller . now get some gas while i read my bingo strategy guide . lets see b  . i did it . bonehead . huh . this counts as a parentteacher conference . am i seeing this right . i am . time to spread the word . hey , milhouse . talk to me . skinners doing what . im on my way . im on my way . ill clean you up good , giant beer can . wheres simpson . i couldnt get a hold of him . no cell phone . but if i know bart , hes busy doing something awesome . i dont know why i agreed to this . because you love the taste of my imaginary tea . oh , youre right . hey , spaz . while you were here spazzing yourself , you totally missed out . missed out . i didnt miss out . what did i miss out on . i wish i had a cell phone . heres an imaginary cell phone . what . do you think im crazy . mom , even milhouse has a cell phone . your son is lamer than milhouse . what does that say about you . sweetie , we cant afford to get you a cell phone . as it is , im buying frozen peas on installments . im never gonna get a cell phone . and im never gonna go to machu picchu . in this family , you get used to disappointments . how am i ever gonna get a cell phone . is this your ball . why , yes , it is . dr . hibbert laughing here you go . dont tell me where i go . a dollar . what for . its the least i can do . these balls cost five dollars new . so i can get a dollar for every ball i find . then if a cell phone costs how many balls do i need . this is why my kids go to private school . i keep my nose on the grindstone i work hard every day i might get a little tired on the weekend , after i draw my pay but ill go back workin come monday morning im right back with the crew ill drink a little beer that evening huh . ill fix you , varmint . wow . im just balls away from a cell phone . willie so its you . youre the one thats been poaching on my territory . groundskeeper willie . weekends and summers , im greenskeeper willie . your ball scavenging days are over . and those orphan golf balls belong to me . dimpled gold . im rich . now i wont have to pleasure a country club wife to get me steak dinner . im never gonna get a cell phone . great . we gotta wait for denis leary . hey , leary , if you want to have a tee party , go back to boston . boston . come on , ice age , take the shot . ice age was the name of the film . i played diego , the vicious saber tooth tiger who , guess what , has a heart . now shut up or ill have you all kicked out of show business . damn it . a cell phone . its mine . cool . you can even watch commercials on it . hey , milhouse . guess where im calling from . well , i know you dont have a cell phone . so you must be in your kitchen or one of your bedrooms . unless you have a wall jack in your basement . that would be huge . look outside your window . im not supposed to look out the window when im alone . just do it . cell phone . lets assign each other ring tones . that felt good . hello . you want denis leary . wrong number , dumbass . come on , denis . its me , producer brian grazer . i just paid five million dollars for the screen rights to the book everybody poops . im a big fan . only one face came to mind for the constipated gorilla . yours . sure . on one condition . i want to do my own poops . i wouldnt have it any other way . of course ill do it for minimum . great . ill see you next monday in tunisia . this phone belongs to denis leary . denis leary . boston comedian turned movie star turned basic cable notable . thats right . lets call his business manager and tell him to spend all his money on yankees hats and derek jeter jerseys . i dont know , bart . what if denis leary gets mad . nah . hes cool . hes gonna think this is hilarious . no longer must we live in shame . let the decree go forth . everybody poops . and cut . great . great , man . you really nailed it . i dont even remember agreeing to be in this movie . well , you did . bring in the poop . milhouse , i hold in this hand denis learys cell phone . and in this hand , the phone numbers of bars around the world . lets start with hawaii . aloha . aloha to you . im looking for maya , last name normousbutt . hang on . ill check , has anyone here seen maya normousbutt . i got a drew peewiener here . anyone expecting a drew peewiener . i hold in my hand a drew peewiener . better put it down then , mate . i shall inquire . is there a mr . myfriendsaregay . first name olaf . attention , everyone . olaf myfriendsaregay . wait a minute . if i ever get a hold of you , i will thank you for showing me the futility of human endeavor . the sun never sets on the bartish empire . yo . whos this . denis leary , you little puke . im gonna rip out your heart with two fingers . they taught me how to do it for my show . which one . the one that got canceled or the one thats gonna get canceled . you are so dead . that laughter sounds like the result of misbehavior . bart , how did you get a cell phone . same way you got me . by accident on a golf course . whose phone is this . youll never get it out of me . okay . milhouse . its denis learys . im sorry , bart . im desperate for any signs of adult approval . you did the right thing . bart simpsons stolen cell phone . can i help you . damn straight , you can . im denis leary . and your kid is out of control . im sorry , mr . leary . sometimes its hard to be a parent . no its not . its easy . ill tell you whats hard . having to watch my stunt double run into a burning building , worrying that people might realize its not me , its him . try doing that . i dont think i could . mr . leary , im so sorry . ill send you your phone back right away . keep the phone . in fact , can i give you some advice . of course . youre denis leary . give your kid back the phone . but first , activate its built in gps system . that way you can log onto your carriers website and track your sons movements , the way i track every actor who gets a movie that i was up for . shouldnt you just be happy for their success . i should be a lot of things , lady . my tarts . okay , here goes . bart , i have something for you . huh . wait a minute . i thought you said i couldnt have this . well , sweetie , i know i said you couldnt have a cell phone . but in these days of stranger dangers and sinister ministers , i think its important that were in touch . lady , you are the best mom ever . did he take the bait . like a bigmouth bass . okay . bart went to the comic book store . time to head home . bullies . hey . he went into a construction site . thats a hard hat zone . you sure this is safe . sure . i got my seatbelt on . marge bartholomew j . simpson . milhouse whoa . what are you doing at this construction site . trying to do something constructive . ill just take milhouse home . you better watch your step bye i send you all my regards youre so tough youre so hard listen to the hammers falling in the breakers yard you better watch your step you better watch your step oh , watch your step hey , bart just keeps spinning around and around and around . whats his angle . what are you two doing in the laundry room . were doing the laundry . dad , do laundry . no problem . tracking software . youre spying on bart . honey , keeping track of someone because you love them is not wrong . it shows you care . thats right , my beautiful , midge . soon youll be mine . keep talking , creepo . every word buys you another year in the slammer . bart , theres something i need to tell you . mom and dad im listening to financing terms for double glazed windows . awesome . another call . you got bart . its me , you idiot . mom and dad are spying on you . theres a tracking chip in your cell phone . theyre spying on me . thats horrible . i know . its a complete violation of your rights . not to mention hold that thought . im getting a text . viagra at five dollars a pill . whatever it is , its going in skinners coffee . what is in this coffee . mmm hmm . track this , mom and dad . marge look at bart go . he must be running away . he wont get far . not on that crappy breakfast i made for him . marge oh , my god . hes out of frame . zoom out . zoom out . hes circling the shelbyville bird sanctuary . our little boy has lost his mind . lets get him . looks like ive got the house to myself for a while . i can do anything i want . first , im gonna take a bath . then im gonna eat some vegetables . and then im gonna get to bed nice and early with no tv . so your familys been gone for three days . yeah . and i think they may be gone a while longer . it looks like the grilled twizzlers are ready . mmm . yeah . this baby is done . awesome . but i better get going . its getting dark . my moms gonna wake up soon . she gets upset if someones not there to tell her where she is . typical mom . you sure you dont want to stay and have a sleepover . i made sleepover shirts . huh . huh . listen , bart . if i dont get home soon , there wont be time for my mom to give me a hug , my dad to read me a story , and both of them to sing me a song till i gently fall asleep . anyway , you have fun by yourself . hmm . theres no moon tonight . real boogeyman weather . barts been moving nonstop all afternoon . maybe theres too much sugar in his sugar frosted candy os . something about this just doesnt seem right . pull over . barts in this field . bart . where are you , boy . dont worry . i wont strangle you . i think were following you . whats your species , little guy . youre a scarlet tanager . youve been flying south because youre migrating to machu picchu , peru . well , i could tell mom and dad the chip is in a bird and hope they take me to machu picchu another time . or mom , dad , barts on the move . man , when youre alone , night is scary . day is awesome . night is scary . day is awesome . night is scary . are we ever going to find him . absolutely . that unpleasantness in ecuador is behind us , my coca leaf addiction is under control , and bart is finally trapped in that paradise above the clouds . bart . where are you , bart . is that him . no . its just a bush . clearly the work of wirakocha , the trickster god . you guys look exhausted . maybe you ought to rest for a while . no . all i care about is finding my boy . and then im never letting him out of my sight again . greetings , sky haired sun mother . i dont need any new friends . im just looking for my little boy . i need to protect him from himself . like the mothers of ancient machu picchu protected their children . our mothers were the most overprotective in the greater machu picchu metropolitan area . they forced their children to live in this walled mountain city . those walls do look safe . walls that keep out danger keep out knowledge . our young people never learned to survive on their own . so when they grew up they were no match for the conquistadors . oh , my god . youve taught me a valuable lesson . i didnt mean to . im just chatty . i sold my business a few years ago . and i miss talking to people . so i cant always be there for bart . hes got to learn to take care of himself . the computer says barts standing on the computer . all i see is a stupid bird with a tracking chip on its leg . it doesnt add up . i think its time for us to go home . hey . thank god youre okay . were you guys gone . we were gone for two weeks . i didnt even notice . oh . well , i just made a car trip . i need to wash up . oh . never leave again . wheres maggie . springfield . stupid shopping list , turning food into work . bart . look at me . im doing something . you better settle down , boy , or ill drag you into the blind spot of that security camera and beat you with one of those big thick womens magazines with all the ads in it . mr . homer , why dont you forget your worries with this , the last lottery ticket on the roll . they say the last one is lucky unlike all the others . lucky , or not . you make a good case . ill take it . dad . look at me . look at me . cannonball . ill take that last lottery ticket , apu . again . lenny i won . i won .  . ponder this , homer . this ticket wouldve been yours if your kid hadnt been screwing around . that is true . another ironic tale of the kwik e . you just cost me . i thought it was . i was gonna bet it on the dogs . all the groceries seem to have been balled up in anger . that kid has become a dennis level menace . now , homer , boys will be boys . bart cost us . im going to moes . all lenny . lenny . hes our guy . got the ticket homer didnt buy . cheer up , homer . the drinks are on lenny . i dont want your pity booze . ill pay for it myself . i gotta check with lenny on that . is that all right , lenny . nope . lucky lennys buying all the drinks tonight . sorry , homer . but heres a compromise . why dont you both pay for the drink . and tip . i just want to tell you all that even before i won this money , i was the luckiest guy in the world because ive got friends like you . all aww . thats why im spending my remaining scratcher winnings on a kick ass party for all my friends . wheres bart . were gonna be late for lennys party . bart dont waste your shot , bart . youve got just enough cat pee to soak two dorks . bart simpson . did you just spray water on me . it was water this morning . dang that bart . thanks to him , i have to wear my backup dress , which makes my arms look fat . you look great . ha ha . you feel self conscious . why cant our son just behave . well , marge , you did have that one sip of alcohol while you were pregnant . i now christen this ship , the uss float and shoot . ay , caramba . ay , caramba . that was unforgivable . but im beginning to think that barts bad behavior is more than just a phase . mom . barts flicking boogers on me . theyre not boogers . theyre clumps of rubber cement that i stored in my nose . oh . stop it , both of you . dont make me drive into that tree . you know i will . no flicking boogers . and no driving into trees . both yes , maam . wow , lenny went all out . announcer in the beginning , there was darkness . so god created man . but man was alone . god created the animals and birds . but man was still ionely . so god said , let there be friends . thank you for being a friend travel down the road and back again your heart is true youre a pal and a confidant thank you for being a friend thank you for being a friend thank you for being a friend thank you for letting me take home the centerpiece . these are going right on my moms grave . thank you for being a friend lenny , it was pretty cool of you to spend your lotto winnings on your pals . it was worth it so everyone could have a wonderful evening and go home with a gift bag . hmm . a vacuuming robot . now before you all leave , i know everyone hates vacuuming and loves robots . these innocent robots couldnt have done this on their own . someone wouldve had to turn them all on at once and imbue them with some kind of malevolent sentience . yep , there it is . well , whoever did this must be long gone by now , chief . i dont know how well ever catch him . kill , . hold it right there , bart . can you tell us anything about who did this . vac u bart make bot bad . i can explain . kill the child . bart , ive had it with you . im taking away all your tv privileges . you already did that . okay , then video games . that , too . no more non dice board games . what . you cant take my balderdash . i just did . i dont mean to be bad . i dont know why i do the things i do . no one understands me . i wish i had a different family . simon i feel exactly the same way . oh , my god . you look like a dorky version of me . and you look like a dimwitted version of me . and you two are versions of me . the three of us could create quite a lot of mischief . but i have to fly back to new york . thats where my wife and i live . thats her . you want to see pictures of our kids . my name is simon woosterfield . woosterfield . your family owns this place . and woosterfield arena . bonnie raitt played there . you guys must be loaded . yes . you know , but the funny thing about being rich is sometimes you wake up feeling terrific . incredible . happy as a clown . yeah . im living the dream . wouldnt it be hilarious if we switched places and lived each others lives for a while . i dont know . im pretty attached to my family . and homer get out here , boy . i want to punish you before i get drunk and merciful . deal . my fathers name is homer . my mothers name is mom . my sisters name is lisa but everyone calls her loser . my butlers name is chester . i have a brother named devon and a sister named quenley . and my horse is called shadowfax . you cant miss him . hes the only lipizzaner in our stable . lipizzaner , got it . there you are , master simon . thank you , lipizzaner . as you say , sir . watch your head . bart ow . you ruin everything . driver , laugh at those people for me . my pleasure , sir . mcmansion , mcdonalds . mcdreamy . mcsteamy . mcmansion , fleetwood mac and macaulay culkin . and this is your home , sir . but of course you already knew that . bart awesome . awesome . awesome . this is my bedroom . a candy corn volcano . a ceiling from saddams palace . oh . and a racecar bed . that really races . wow . cool poster of joe montana . its not a poster . im the real deal . and every day i stand here , the family donates a million dollars to notre dame . did you know the words notre dame are french but the team is the fighting irish . thats the kind of thing i think about in here . back in the poster , gabby . yes , sir . milhouse , its me . check out the caller id on your phone . blocked number . that service is . a month . did you switch places with a millionaire kid who looks just like you . just sit tight . im sending a car . why are these noodles orange . i made it with cheetos , just like you like it . if the sauce is too thick , i can add more root beer . maybe im just not hungry . human garbage can to the rescue . so at work today , we got a memo saying everyones getting new chairs . father , could you talk louder . you bet . naturally i threw my old chair in the dumpster right away . but then lenny said , no . that was the new chair . that memo was two months old . so now im sitting on an orange crate . i never felt so will you stop spitting food on me . huh . keep your meal in your mouth , you semi literate spew monkey . thats it , boy . youre going to bed without supper . that was an odd thing for bart to say . maybe hes going through certain changes . if that boy thinks im paying to put him through four years of puberty , forget it . stupid kids , think im made of hormones . mister la di , uppity this is the greatest great hall ive ever eaten in , bart . chester huh . i mean , simon . oh . this must be my half brother and half sister . theyre beautiful . i mean , just the girl . i didnt notice the beautiful boy . so i said , dad , i wanted a range rover , not a land rover . this is the worst martin luther king day ever . well , if it isnt our halfwit half brother . ow . the old hot spoon . but why . because youre our half brother, , youre blocking our full inheritance , and we hate you . now i get it . quenley hmm . bart , i have a crush on your new sister . you had a crush on my old sister . yeah . but that was never gonna happen . give me back my newspaper . marge homer , its not a real paper . its a rubber chew toy . for your information , the daily growl is the only newspaper thats not afraid to say how great this country is . hows the war going . were winning . thats great . and our standing abroad . fantastic . this place is insane . tonight i got sent to bed without dinner . yeah . well , whats up with your brother and sister . theyre jealous because my father left their mother to be with my mother , to you lost me . well , gotta go . enjoy the upper lower middle class . bart , honey . i saw you didnt like your dinner . so i thought you might like pepperoni pizza with the crusts cut off . now let me tuck you in , fluff your pillow , and sprinkle a little fairy dust to keep the monsters away . its cinnamon . nighty night, , sweetheart . i could get used to this . fancy party . this is like a rap video before the rappers show up . simon , have you ever seen the family mausoleum . all the woosterfields will be buried here . do you know that after years , dead bodies turn to red licorice . whoa . let me at it . bart help . let me out . i have my doubts about this licorice . mr . burns groans mr . burns , im really sorry . nonsense , young woosterfield . your fortune is greater than mine . it is i who am at your service . smithers , fetch us some lemonade . mr . burns grunts weakly all they had was sunnytime pink . premix . i beg your forgiveness , lad . smithers , pour it down your pants . now squish about in those pants , rewetting every hour . come with me . you know , master simon , i too was once the youngest in a wealthy family . you were once the youngest of something . but fortune ended up smiling on me while snuffing the life from my siblings . my older brother was trampled by a horse . my sister died of a poisoned potato . my twin was shot . that girl was stabbed . he ate another poisoned potato . spontaneous combustion . fell down a well , potato , and impaled on the chrysler building . wow . only you survived . which means the entire fortune went to you . yes . funny , that . a word of caution , young woosterfield . watch out for those closest to you . devon and quenley . you dont know when theyll strike . a boating accident , a mishap during a ski trip . but rest assured , one way or another , they will do you in . oh , my god . simon set me up . and all this time i thought he wanted the life of a stranger he met in the bathroom . now , would you care to continue this conversation on the teeter totter . why wont you come down . i told you . i only weigh as much as my clothes and keys . hmm . so i looked down the barrel of my winchester rifle , i pulled the trigger , and i shot that buffalo . you shot a buffalo . you were listening . oh . that means i gotta come up with an ending for this nonsense . bart , what are you doing . politely listening to our grandfather . huh . it was the war to end all wars . but pepsi would not give up . they continued to challenge coke . okay , listen , you . i dont know who you are or what youve done with the real bart , but well , god help me , i want him back . i dont know what youre talking about . the real bart wouldve thrown me out the window . he would have defenestrated you . youre just digging yourself even deeper . come on , bart . you gotta get out of here . pack like youve never packed before . you know , i have never packed before . this is hard . so youre packing . you mustve already heard . heard what . were going to aspen . on a little ski trip . ski trip . you wont know how theyll strike . a boating accident , a ski trip . scrubbing you is easy cause youve been pre rinsed and when youre covered with goo thats when im scrubbing you scrub ub mom , bart has something to tell you . i dont like the look of those air quotes . so now bart is on his way to aspen where theyre going to try to kill him . thank you , future bart , for traveling back through time to warn us . boy , aspen sure is ritzy . even the winos look better . we are champagnos . who wants a mimosa . uh this trail is for experienced skiers . which is what youll be if you make it to the bottom . which you wont . soon hell be dead . and well split the inheritance . yes , split . potato . theres bart . this looks like a job for captain crazy . up , and away . come on , gravity . you used to be cool . doh . occupied . two hot chocolates , please . are you guests at the lodge . no . you know , i feel sorry for you , kid , going back to that cold , loveless family . ill survive . your favorite , sir . hot fudge sundae with gold leaf and diamond flakes . take me with you . ill be anything and everything you want . dont leave me here with them . i never thought id say this , but i missed you guys . even whats her lisa . now we tuck in the tummy , the tushy , and the tootsies . this is the life . springfield . id like to vote for president , governor , and anything that will take money away from our parks and libraries . use machine number three . i cant fit in the booth . use the double wide . oh . one of those electronic voting dealies . electronic voice one vote for mccain . thank you . no . i want to vote for obama . two votes for mccain . come on , its time for a change . three votes for mccain . no , . six votes for president mccain . hey , i only meant one of those votes for mccain . this machine is rigged . must tell president mccain . this doesnt happen in america . maybe ohio , but not in america . okay . all i need is a christmas gift for lisa . i dont have time to read all that . hmm . montreal expos jersey , somber string , jacks , no ball , and a slunky . oh , i wouldnt give these to my worst enemy , which happens to be lisa . girls dont like trucks . come back when youre something else . perfect . merry christmas , dad . we bought you three more minutes of oxygen . thank you , son . can i play with it outside . can i . can i . sure . hmm . hey , lise , i think i see one with your name on it . i dont know how you could top last years gift . a box of your burps . yeah . heres your stocking stuffer . wow . a malibu stacy convertible . oh , bart . an actual present . thats right , maggie . its a car . malibu stacy lets go to the posibots , transform . alarm clock snooze . lamp three way . boom box melody . what . wait a minute . were missing sex toy . where have you been . where havent i been . hmm . is there something different about the kitchen . no . no . no . well , the toasters never lied to me before . pinkrobot hup , two sex toy nice planet . posibot engaged . battle commencing in ten , nine , eight hey . hey , homer . how was your christmas . it was okay . i got seinfeld , season seven . finally , a boxing day that lives up to its name . lisa , whats happening . well , if i had to guess , id say that two alien robot races whove been battling for centuries have chosen our planet as the site for their ultimate confrontation . it is a good planet to settle things on . oh . ah . stop it . stop it . look . you have made the nacho machine cry . cool . carnage destructicus , the moment has arrived , our final battle . your final battle , bestimus mucho . stop it . just because youre mad at each other doesnt mean you have to destroy our town . that does not compute . really . it computes a little . whats this whole intergalactic tiff about , anyway . you know , i dont remember . neither do i . maybe the non transformer thing is right . thank you , human grandmother , for pointing out that it is futile to fight if we do not know why . and now that we are not fighting each other , we can team up to enslave your planet . thats great , because working together , you can oh . okay , whos the idiot who taught them what foosball was . i thought they might enjoy it . okay , maggie . well be back in three hours . or longer , if something happens to us . maybe we shouldnt do this . she doesnt know anyone here . look , sweetie . theres a familiar face . krusty . hey , kids . your old pal krustys gonna teach you five new words unlicensed use of my image . all right , boys . see those krustys nobody paid me for . sandblast them . entertain the troops . no way . what have they ever done for me . krusty , you made my daughter cry . hey , my intellectual property rights were being infringed . do you know how that feels . do you . huh . do you . one , two , three . one , two , three . its no use . mr . simpson , you have quite a talent for killing celebrities . well , im no drunk driving . id like to introduce you to some stereotypical ad men . simpson , we got a swell little notion for you . did you know you can put a dead celebrity in a commercial and you dont have to pay them a thing . oh , my god . you finally did it . you mixed buzz cola with the smooth , rich taste of lemon . unfortunately , there are certain stars who wont do what we want . whats their problem . theyre still alive . and then we thought , whos good at killing celebrities . me . thats right . homer , would you be willing to acquire some more accounts for us . well , you know , it is awfully hot today . now im too cold . mmm . psycho killer quest ce que cest fa fa better run , away oh , psycho killer quest ce que cest fa fa better run , away psycho killer quest ce que cest fa fa better run , away we cant just sit here while they exploit our images . man hey , john wayne , have you heard about stockswapper . orgs low , transaction fees . sounds like quite a deal pilgrim . i hate trans action fees . hey , george washington . see if you think this is funny . man its the springfield wedding chapels annual presidents day marriage a . that ad implies that mr . lincoln and i are betraying familiarities . its an outrage . yes , an outrage . so are we gonna sit here flapping our jaws or are we gonna do something about it . now wait just a gosh darn minute here . we cant go taking the law into our own hands . these are people with hopes and dreams put a sock in it , mush mouth . all we are saying is lets eat some brains . great party , homer . murdering kate winslet paid for that chocolate fountain . golda meir . mmm . you ripped me off , see . no , i didnt , see . youre gonna pay for what you done , see . i always thought id die of hepatitis , see . rip taylor . youre not even dead . someone needs to check my apartment . lets get him . little sister , is that moustache coming or going . well , your wife likes it . youre all right , goofy grape . people , please . were here to kill this jerk . before you kill me , i gotta know , what is the one true religion . its a mix of voodoo and methodist . shouldnt have left the key under the mat , suckers . so what do you do for fun around here . well , tonight weve got a poker tournament at the rec center . oh . after you , mr . pennyface . is your wife up here . well , we have an understanding . mmm . good grief . i like your witch costume , lisa . im not a witch . im a wiccan . why is it when a woman is confident and powerful , they call her a witch . what did you say , mom . nothing . im practicing my trombone . so what are you wearing to the halloween party , milhouse . im not going to the party . im going to the pumpkin patch to wait for the grand pumpkin . that means , you kids have fun . whats the grand pumpkin . every halloween , the grand pumpkin visits all the pumpkin patches in the world and brings candy to kids who truly believe . milhouse , for the last time , i made that up to mess with you . the grand pumpkin isnt real . i appreciate you testing my faith , bart . but its not necessary . i believe in the grand pumpkin , almighty gourd , who was crustified over pontius pie plate and ascended into oven . he will come again to judge the filling and the bread sigh . youve all come to wait for the grand pumpkin with me . who wants to sing pumpkin carols . ive got a pumpkin carol for you . you are such a stupid moron it makes people want to punch you the grand pumpkins super gay punch , wedgie . your god is wrong . lets get to the halloween party . i want to hit the apple tank before all of the granny smiths are bobbed out . lise , you coming . i think ill stay with milhouse . his glasses fog up when he cries . more granny smiths for me . lisa . lisa . wake up . hes here . what . the grand pumpkin is here . no . im rehearsing what im gonna say when he shows up . hes here . hes here . he is here . you owe me restitution . if he sees us fighting , he might not come . grand pumpkin , i know youre real . why wont you show yourself . why . happy halloween . the grand pumpkin . you are real . thats right , milhouse . your childlike belief has brought me to life . i knew youd come . i even baked you a loaf of homemade pumpkin bread . how delightful . bread made especially for pumpkins . actually , its made from pumpkins . uh oh . revenge . im gonna give you crossed eyes , like you might see on an idiot , a stupid triangle nose , and a big mouth full of the ugliest shaped teeth there are . square . and im gonna make your friends watch . no . ladies . stupid . everybody , listen . the grand pumpkin is real . hey . no hard soled shoes . oh , god . everywhere i look . pumpkin atrocities . care for a pumpkin seed . you roast the unborn . touch me and ill cut your friend . what do i care . thats a yellow pumpkin . youre a racist . all pumpkins are racist . the difference is i admit it . nelson id rather die than hate . this is all my fault . the grand pumpkin said my childlike belief was what made him come to life . belief , eh . hmm . say , milhouse , have you by any chance ever heard of tom turkey . no . who is he and whats his origin story . well , tom is a magical turkey who gave the pilgrims the technology to put buckles on their hats . now he appears every thanksgiving to children who believe . sounds plausible . tom turkey , help me . i believe in you . are you looking for a particular part of my brain , or halt , yon pumpkin , most succulent and plump . i be tom turkey . a giant talking turkey . preposterous . prepare for the almightys judgment , thou stinking fruit of rotted vine . pumpkin segregation forever . i cant live on the outside . i cant . milhouse , your childlike innocence saved us all . tom , how can we repay you . how about a thanksgiving feast . you can carve the turkey . you eat turkeys . yeah , its delicious . especially when we take stuffing and shove it up the turkeys ass . revenge . looks like those kids found the true spirit of halloween , or thanksgiving , or whatever . and for those of you who feel like weve trampled on a beloved childrens classic , i encourage you to write to the following address . happy holidays , everyone . springfield . bill and marty here in the middle of another th of july weekend shock jock talk block . all weekend long , well be counting down the top wacky sound effects of all time . marty and heres number . where were you when you first heard this . ill tell you where i was . i was out eating i think i had kung pao and i ended up on the i cant listen to this anymore . nobody shuts out my blather . uh oh . homie , lets pick up those hitchhikers . they dont look like the stabby kind . mom , you said all hitchhikers were drug crazed thrill seekers . i said they were thrill crazed drug seekers . dont put words in my mouth . thanks for stopping . this is my girlfriend beatrice . young love . were we ever that stupid . of course we were . marge , i thought of a new thing . its called biking out . its a combination of biking and making out . i dont know . come on . all the teens on bikes are doing it . howdy do, , strangers . hop on in before you become a couple runneth over . ned , are you sure . theyre covered with mud . and in that mud , im planting the seed of friendship . names ned flanders . as the elephant said to the peanut vendor , toss those in my trunk . marge , i love this guy . put her there , muddy buddy . he rhymes . oh , happy day . so are you two engaged , to be engaged . no . we thought wed wait a little while . really . not married . and you were bicycling two abreast . i wish . we were bicycling to a lake . word play . never cared for it . but its never too soon for you two to join the i do crew . now im not saying its all jell o with cool whip . shell nag you . shell try to change you . youll be fighting the same basic fight for years and years and years ned , dont you think youre exaggerating just a bit . i think id like to finish my sentence . and years . um how long have you two been married . since this afternoon . welcome to our honeymoon . marge bouvier , will you not marry me . homer simpson , i would be delighted not to marry you . then i now pronounce us just dating . i love kissing you . i never want to knock it off . knock it off . how dare you expose my children to your tender feelings . bart , dont you dare take your eyes off that gameboy . yes , sir . avast , you im cuckoo for killing stuff . video games , the reason this generation of americans is the best ever . i cant believe homer ruined another family picnic . hey . everybody pees in the pool . not from the diving board . why do we have to have these two jerks along . i cant youre driving too fast . youre losing your hair . you sneeze like a girl . your neck looks like a sideways ass . homer thats it . eat gravel , hags . homer , that was rude and shortsighted . patty and selma have the map . i have the situation under control . the compass needle is pointing east . thats the fuel gauge . homer uh oh . how many times do i have to say im sorry . you havent said youre sorry . i know . i was hoping the number might be zero . can we use your phone . of course . its just past the sushi bar , behind the limbo pit , right in front of the blackjack table . and feel free to stay . we just put out the cheese . we have cubes of yellow , cubes of orange and cubes of orange and yellow . a really fun party full of colored cheeses and awesome stuff to do . doesnt seem like your kind of thing , marge . well stay for one hand roll or two nigiri . then we have to get back to the kids . let my dad enjoy them a little longer . stop . stop . where are the cookies . i dont remember . wrong answer . oh . for me . no . get two of your own . youre a funny one . thats strong . are you trying to get me drunk . no . im trying to get me drunk . you know , my horoscope said id meet the man of my dreams tonight . well , a horoscope would never lie to a pretty girl like you . you are adorable . are you alone . no . im talking to you at this great party . well , then would you like to limbo . limbo . you mean the dance or that place where unbaptized babies go . either way , im in . every limbo boy and girl aii around the something world gonna do the limbo rock something limbo something limbo low now . how low can you go . thats how low you can go . why are you dancing with that strange woman . shes not strange . shes fun . and she doesnt get jealous when i talk to other women . well , then she can have you all to herself . how about a sushi fight . sushi fight . these fish died for nothing . homer simpson , i wish id never met you . thanks for the lift . what a cute couple . shes gonna take him for a lot of money . here we are . a log cabin . what am i . davy crockett . also , whos davy crockett . kids , this place has very special memories for your mother and me . well , leaving right now will become a special memory for me . they have a pedal car . pedal cars suck . theyre worse than walking . ill put bucks in your college fund . ill take bucks now . ill steal it back when youre sleeping . well , when the sun goes down , it means gods gone to china to watch over those good folks . time for some shuteye . why , flanders , you rogue . all marge and i need are a queen size bed and a king size do not disturb sign . sorry , homer . im afraid its separate accommodations for you notly weds . what . but i have urges . thats just your trouser devil talking . hes not talking . hes yelling . goodnight , marge . sweet dreams , my new best friend . what better way to celebrate our wedding night than by keeping an unmarried couple apart . oh , maude , your dead grandmothers pajamas . you know what that does to me . i never thought id say this , but stupid flanders . theres absolutely nothing to worry about . im in my own room being chaperoned by an actual christian . well , i just dont trust that homer simpson . hes that rare combination of up to something and good for nothing . good one . we should put that in the file . nice . madame , perhaps i can be of some assistance . but i cant take a dress from a man who looks so good and smells so clean . please . when you came to the door tonight , i instantly imagined you in a ruched burgundy bias cut evening gown with a wolverine hem and a contrasting cerise tulle dcolletage . really . me . you did . oh , yes . with a pair of saffron brocade diamond mink pumps . oh . pumps are shoes . that explains a lot . mmm hmm . marjorie , you look beautiful . let me take you for a ride . or should i say glide . im just happy youre talking again . you didnt say a word for minutes . marge . you dont need her , baby . sylvias got everything you want . do you have a pineapple pizza . pineapple and pepperoni . this is all going so fast . we should be getting back to the party . marjorie , that party was beneath a woman of your elegance and sophistication . you oh , look , a budget motel . i see the word vacancy is lit and the word no is not . let us pray the no is not broken , huh . alberto , im not sure if this is such a good idea . first we make love , then we decide if it was a good idea . thats the european way . i came here once with marge . are you marge , sylvia . homer , i can be whoever you want me to be . i want you to be marge . marge . homer marge , is that you . my husband . why do married women always have husbands . marge , what are you doing here . the same thing youre doing here . you better not be . i mean , great . we both came to rekindle our precious memories of when we were young and in love . right . we sure did . rekindle , okay , lets go . i have a better idea . lets spend the night together right here . fine . but i dont want to sleep in the same room with that chest . i feel the same way about that lamp . okay . but first the chest . okay . there you are . homie , whats taking so long . listen , youre a classy lady and a great sushi fighter , but youre going in the box . homie . coming , marge . good evening . i am alberto . sylvia . lets get out of this chest and go have a drink . actually , i am quite comfortable here . there is a flask of cognac in my pocket . do you think you can reach it . sylvia okay . is this it . alberto no . but dont stop twisting . now lets spend the rest of the night making sweet , kids . im through babysitting these monsters . good night . we won . hes asleep . and well stay up forever . well , that takes care of those three . want to go for a lakeside snuggle . homer simpson , you devil . well , that takes care of those three . want to go play some lakeside boggle . homer simpson , you devil . but i think we should unpack first . all right . the trick is to ease them off . what is this dump . ruthie , this dump is where your mother and i met . it was a tale of betrayal , redemption and a lovely continental breakfast . homer , those are our wedding bungees . marjorie . homer . its so good to see you . we owe you two a debt of thanks . homer , if i hadnt come to this motel with you , i never would have met alberto . and marjorie , if you had completed your seduction of me , i never would have met sylvia . i cant believe one of the most beautiful moments in our marriage is based on lies . youre just as bad as me , and you used to be better , so that makes you worse . i dont think we can ever trust each other again . ruthie , kick me away from this nightmare . okay . i wish id never met you . or you . why cant you just admit were lost . ill tell you whats lost , your sense of adventure . just ask those guys for directions . anti nuclear activist , dr . helen caldicott . director julie taymor . do you love these women . theyre okay , i guess . lets just skip to the windsor knot instructions . excuse me , boys . my brother is lost and kind of a jerk . if hed brought a map of the grounds as i suggested , then we lisa , do you know why i spend every day after school in detention . so i dont have to come home to you . oh , bart . dont say things you cant take back . its out there . deal with it . oh , great . now you woke the baby . i told you we shouldve left her with your mother . my god , bart . what happened to us . we grew up . so im sure you missed marge last night . yeah . i missed her like five times . what a charming single entendre . now look , i know marriage is scary , but if you really think shes the one , it gives you two a shot at forever . forever . that would be awesome . okay , here she comes . why dont you take marge for a walk , open your heart and see what pours out . i suppose you and maude will be coming along , as well . dont you think i got better things to do on my honeymoon than spy on you two . red dog , this is moustache one . we have possible male female interaction . be prepared to terminate inappropriate contact . ready with the ice water . ned lock onto his wiener . we have wiener lock . marge , when im with you , i get that feeling like when i got that smart kids report card by mistake . and for a minute , i thought i had all as and that my name was howard simberg . you make me feel that way , too . i know well get married some day . and to prove it , ill carve our names on this tree so all who are hopelessly lost in the woods can see it . i hate other peoples love . so that wasnt marges glider parked outside the motel five years ago . im getting out of this marriage while im still young and handsome . mmm . forever . i couldnt even keep a promise i made to a tree . maybe its not too late . maybe i can still save our love . if i just show her that carving what are you doing . saving our marriage . dont be silly . our marriage can weather any storm , just like this tree . help . fat man hanging from a tree . uh uh . thats for fires . take my hand . i dont want to let go of our special carving . homer , our marriage isnt on a piece of bark . its in us . now take my hand . marge , i dont want to die with us mad at each other . me , neither , homie . i know parts of our marriage are based on lies , but so are a lot of good things , religion , american history i know . we had a fight . we were both tempted . were human . the important thing is we love each other . now we wait for the river to freeze if my theory of global cooling is correct . hey , you guys want a lift in my pedal boat . its not a pedal boat . its a pedal car that bart drove into the river because he knows a shortcut thats not on the map . how would you like a shortcut to the bottom of the river . if its your shortcut , ill be high and dry . knock it off back there . but were married . okay . but keep it pg . how about r . pg  . adult situations . english us sdhspringfield . springfield . lemonade . sweet sunshine in your mouth . buy a cup or i punch my sister . its true . hes not bluffing . ow . maybe we should put a dollar in the jar , prime the pump . what are we . a piano bar . ill take lemonades . make that . huh . lousy dog . if you had your way , id walk you every day . lemonade . girl stop pushing . six cups , please . and put it on my tab . keep moving , deadbeat . cash only . fine . lemonades for babies , anyways . im going to moes for beer . have fun drinking your lemonade , babies . lisa . can daddy borrow your bike . i guess . hey , moe . give me a homer , shush . were watching krabappel try to break up with skinner . seymour , i have something difficult i want to say to you . i understand . it can be very difficult for a woman to propose marriage . but i am willing to go halfsies on a ring . seymour excuse me . any of you lugs want to break up with my boyfriend for me . ill buy you a beer . seymour , edna asked me to talk to you . splendid . shall we discuss music or the weather . no . this is about you . edna wants to break up . she wants to break up . yeah . with me . yeah . look at it this way . youre a free man , unlike me . you have all your hair , unlike me . no kids tying you down or a crippling mortgage that you refinanced at because a dancing internet cowboy told you to . oh , god , i hate my life . gee , compared to you , my life is one big half day . exactly . youre good iooking . you have a decent job . what ionely widow wouldnt consider you an option . thanks , homer . i dont think the school pep squad couldve cheered me up more , and they were state runners up in . homer , that was amazing . he actually felt better coming out of the breakup than he did going in . say , homer , youre real good at this . think you could dump my girlfriend doreen for me . doreen , shes cheated on you with everyone . well , except for me . and ive showered her with gifts , fancy soaps and massage oils and what have you . here she comes . work your magic , homer . is lenny here . im afraid lennys dead . what . i just talked to him . and you will again because he isnt really dead . now this next piece of news wont seem so bad . lemonade . we want lemonade . lemonade . we want lemonade . dont worry , folks . our master chef is stirring up a fresh batch . stop that transaction . im a part time field agent with the springfield department of commerce . great gig . it is a great gig . may i see your vendors license . i think its we dont have one . cant be mine . must be yours . i dont care if its cents , i dont want it . submit this form to the license bureau . until then , this stand is closed . boys . geez , im thirsty . you got any lemonade . not anymore . come on , come on . i was halfway through an operation when my license expired . ill get to you just as soon as i finish this crossword puzzle . come on . lets go , buddy . i left bananas in my car . lets see , across , franklin roosevelts middle name . excitement . wait , that dont fit . maybe you could use some help . fdrs middle name , delano . oxidized surface , well , thats rusty . bartenders serve them dirty . ham sandwiches . no , martinis . oh , right . one more word . singer of yentl . letters . i got it . isaac bashevis . now give me my license . give everyone their license . what is a four letter word for hero . hero . yes . but i meant lisa . lisa . lisa . lisa . lisa . lisa . lisa . yello . homer . its your old roommate , grady . the gay guy . thats not all i am . well , its a lot of what i am . anyhoo , i heard how good you are at breaking up couples . i need your help to break up with julio . because i met someone new , someone much more cool and refreshing . uh huh . got it . marge , im going to a hardcore gay club and i wont be home till in the morning . marge have fun . ay , caramba . bart , ive fallen in love with crosswords . it finally happened . youve gone completely fruit loops . froot loops . thats the answer to down , toucans delight . no . i mean youre loco in the coco . cocoa . ice rink drink . youre losing it . losinit . risqu s teen flick . fine . go nuts . see if i care . eye care . opticians concern . thanks for your help , bart . bart . san francisco people mover . speaking of san francisco people mover grady is breaking up with me . youll always have a special place in his heart . in his what . oh . oh , baby , you are the breakup king . you have made the seven minutes that im gonna go without love so much more bearable . anyone else want me to get rid of that special someone . okay , everyone . rotate one to your right . guess what , mom . im a cruciverbalist . another religion . you know , youre just gonna drop the whole thing when you go to college and get a jewish boyfriend . probably . but a cruciverbalist is a fan of crossword puzzles , which i am . me , too . ive been doing them since . back then , we called them alphabet hotels cause every letter gets its own little room . i still do the springfield shopper puzzle every day . lets see there grampa , everyone knows that the only real test of skill is the new york times puzzle , edited by will shortz . will and shorts , two things im no longer allowed to change by myself . okay , back to the real world . isnt it beautiful . sure is . whos driving the bus . what bus . homer sweet conclusions breakup service . oh , yes . we dispose of your loved one humanely , thanks to our patented tenderdump system . ill be there in minutes or your breakup is free . im leaving you , baby with my clothes in my hand farewell to you , baby get yourself a monkey man im leaving with my clothes in my hand farewell to you get yourself a monkey man simpson . what in the blue blazes are you doing to my hopscotching grids . i made them into a crossword . well , im a bit of a puzzle head myself . they help me wind down after a day of dealing with skinner . you called . made reference . my mistake . lisa , i think you might be ready for this . bald mans basketball league . sorry . wrong flier . i meant this . citywide crossword tournament . thank you . youre welcome . now i have to go home and make sure my pool boy is using his skimmer . you called . you misheard . my mistake . marge , if i had for every customer id broken up , id have exactly this amount cause thats what i charge . homie , im not sure about this new business of yours . youre making it too easy for couples to break up just because they hit a rough patch . i know this is hard on you . but in time , youll come to see its for the best . thats one of your breakup lines . what wouldve happened if there was someone who could break us up every time i had my doubts about you . who are you . we are the spirits of the relationships you killed . were the babies those couples would have had . and were the antiques those couples would have bought together . get him , chairs and babies . homie . marge , im getting out of the breakup business , and i dont know if ill ever sleep soundly again . well , maybe wow . so this is what this is . cruciverbalists from far and wide have gathered here for a no holds test of skill . surely some holds are barred . no , none . well , it sounds really exciting and youre a delightful young lady . now if youll excuse me . hey , whats going on . its kind of a secret , so shut the door most of the way . we found a way to make this tournament interesting . we bet on the matches . really . well , i did bring this envelope full of money . and these days , betting in a bar is safer than any stock , bond or real estate investment . agreed . so who are you gonna bet on . i want you to put it all on my little girl . and parlay with the asian kid . he has a name , you know . what is it . i dont know . hes not my kid . i win . she won . and like any prudent gambler , i know when to walk away never . dah pretty ladies around the world got a weird thing to show you so tell all the boys and girls tell your brother , your sister and your mama , too cause theyre about to go down and youll know just what to do wave your hands in the air like you dont care glide by the people as they start to look and stare do your dance , do your dance do your dance quick mama , come on baby tell me whats the word up everybody say when you hear the call youve got to get it underway word up okay , everybody . take a break . dad , i could actually win this thing . and when you win , i win . ill explain that to you on your deathbed . my only fear is , i always sabotage myself when im on the verge of happiness . you what . in my young life , ive seen that every time im about to achieve true happiness , some little piece of me says , you dont deserve this . and another little piece says , i agree . right , . but will it happen this time . with my luck , i bet it will . its practically a sure thing . hmm . contestants to your boards . wish me luck . just be yourself . i want to change my bet . im going against my daughter . ill take your money , but i wont look you in the eye . fine . i wont look you in the eye . have i made the bet yet . i got it . were down to our final two contestants . but before they compete , we would like to pay tribute to all the words that have been removed from the dictionary in the past year . you know , my wife , shirley , shes the real crossword ace in our family . fills in those letters fast as hail on a tin roof . ping ping , shes done . shirley passed away two years ago . but im still not over it . thats so sad . hey , what can you do . life keeps changing the music , but you gotta keep up the cha cha , huh . lets see . ill spread some qs around . thatll get my brain going . i dropped my glasses . oh , shirley baby , i let you down . hey , there are no lenses in these glasses . lets see . thats enrico fermi . and there you got the pet shop boys . and cross the t and zing the z . and skit skat , im all the way home . lisa got hustled . i blew it again . she blew it again . woo hoo . heres your money , drenched in your daughters tears . you know , for a bartender bookie , youre awfully judgmental . boy , dad seems awfully happy . and theres something different about him . he bought new shoelaces with fancy metal tips . dad , did you come into some money we dont know about . no . you got highlights in your hair . the sun did that . and your car antenna has been straightened and re balled . whats going on . well , sweetie , daddy made a little extra money betting against you in the crossword tournament . youll understand when youre a parent placing large wagers against your own children . i hope youre not mad . no , im not mad . you sure youre not mad . no , im not mad . you sure youre not mad . no , im not mad . mr . teddy , can you ask lisa if shes mad . whats that , mr . teddy . youre saying that you know women . and that when women say theyre not mad , theyre madder than ever . shes gone . can you drive me home . im a little drunk . lisa . lisa . lisa , sweetie , please look at your daddy . you stopped being my daddy as soon as you bet against me . all i have now is a mom . which is why im taking her maiden name . from now on , im lisa bouvier . hey , mr . s , lisa b . no . would you like to buy some band candy . yes . lisas mad at me , and now shes using marges maiden name instead of mine . homer , whatever you done to that little girl , you just gotta do something even nicer to win her back . she may never take back your name , but theres still a chance shell take you back as her daddy . wow . nobody gives better parenting advice than childless drunks . so the name lisa simpson is available , huh . a lot of goodwill attached to that name . im gonna take it . lisas tavern . lisa speaking . lisa , sweetie , im honored that you chose my name , but its not that great . back in high school , the boys used to call me marge boobier . hey , bouvier was jackie kennedys maiden name . really . i never knew that . well , what did you think her name was before it was kennedy . jackie o . like spaghettios . i thought that was where her money came from . look , why dont you cheer up by doing a new york times crossword puzzle , huh . im through with crosswords . my innocence died in those little boxes . it might be a fun way to kill a couple hours . a couple hours . i can do the sunday puzzle in less than one hour . couple of hours . last clue , loses on purpose . huh diet . will shortz , you clever rascal . and a new record time . wait a second . dumb dad sorry for his bet . wow . its almost as if dad planted that message . no . it must just be a weird coincidence . but what if its not . it must be . or mustnt it not . dad , i know this is crazy , but did you plant a message to me in the new york times crossword puzzle . well , i had a little help from this guy . new york times crossword editor , will shortz . and master puzzle constructor , merl reagle . i actually wrote that crossword . and i edited it . now get back to crosswording . yes , sir . well , i must admit , im kind of touched . dumb dad sorry for his bet . nice . you didnt get homers whole message , lisa . i didnt . take a look at the first letters of all the clues . dear lisa , you make me so happy . really , happy . sorry . he told me i needed letters . what was my point again . oh , right . bouvier or simpson , i cherish you . oh , dad . springfield . santas ho ho . all o christmas tree , o christmas tree youre on the curb and dead now youre on the curb and dead now your christmas lights are in the box your christmas lights are in the box in two months we will change the clocks o christmas tree , o they sure give the christmas spirit the bums rush around here . and theyve already started exploiting the next holiday . so , young man , have you judged people by the content of their character this year . yes , reverend doctor . lunch time . free at last . free at last . okay , remember our deal . everyone gets to return one christmas present with no hurt feelings . im returning this kitten calendar . im also returning this kitten calendar . kitten calendar . hey , those are month calendars . that gives you three extra kittens . thats the last time i get you guys a christmas present at the last minute . man , those are ugly kittens . mom . dad . our mall got a mapple store . its so sterile . mypods . myphones . a brainiac bar . my question is the following statement . operating system . has sloppier architecture than a tijuana anthill . did you get peanut butter in your ethernet port again . no . i got mayonnaise in the cd drive . i see youre admiring our mycube . its fueled by dreams and powered by imagination . what does it do . you should ask yourself , what can i do for it . okay , what can i do for you . please , im begging you . sir , its not even turned on yet . but its glowing . that light confirms that its off . i cant afford any of your products . but can i buy some fake white earbuds so people will think i have a mypod . sure . those are called myphonies . and they cost . ill never get a mapple anything . krusty i hate this mypod . i cant watch movies on a screen this small . and the music today , dont get me started . i said dont get me started . come on . isnt someone gonna get me started . lets go , teeny . maybe somebody at old navy will get me started . here , kid . you take it . thank you , krusty . dont thank me . thank the jewish clown awards gift basket . im a mapple person . were all mapple people . sorry . announcer attention , mapple universe . prepare for a live announcement from mapple founder and chief imaginative officer , steve mobs . steve mobs . hes a genius . hes like a god who knows what we want . greetings . it is i . your insanely great leader , steve mobs . im speaking to you from mapple headquarters deep below the sea with an announcement that will completely change the way you look at everything . and that announcement is bart youre all losers . huh . you think youre cool because you buy a phone with a picture of a fruit on it . well , guess what . they cost bucks to make and i pee on every one . i have made a fortune off you chumps , and ive invested it all in microsoft . now my boyfriend bill gates and i kiss each other on a pile of your money . traitor . your heart is blacker than your turtleneck . who dares question the boss we fired it was my brother , bart . flay him with your earbuds . flay him , i say . mycube , take me away . loving you is easy cause youre beautiful get him . get him good . stupid angry mob , chasing me because i shine a harsh light on modern society . now i know how dane cook feels . mmm . whats that exotic aroma . smells like a hamburger cooked at a rug store . hello . would you like some lamb . whoa . all these years ive been petting lambs when i shouldve been shoving them in my mouth . im bart . im bashir . my family and i just moved here from jordan . jordan . thats on some map somewhere , right . bashir , introduce me to your new friend . bashir , you didnt tell me you had a sister . such a charmer . would you like to stay for dinner . hey , i never refuse food from strangers . okay . youre new to our school , so heres the deal . we call skinner , skin rash . mr . wiener is mr . whiner . and groundskeeper willie , grounds creeper stupid . thats not clever . and i have so many aspects you can mock . im poor . im dirty . i cant read or write . i think movies are real . okay , next . heres the food at the cafeteria that will make you sick . coleslaw , tuna , all chowders and gumbos . the only thing thats safe is the pork chops . my religion says i can never eat pork . a different religion . do not tell anyone that , because if the bullies around here find out that youre different jimbo whos different . whats your name , sweat stain . bashir . bash here . i love a kid that comes with directions . okay , bash here , tell us where you came from so we can punch you back there . im gonna punch you extra hard because i secretly think youre cute . whoa . whoa . you cant just wail on him because hes what religion are you anyway . muslim . oh , boy . youre the reason i cant carry toothpaste on an airplane . ow . look , guys . everyones different . jimbo , youre christian . dolph , youre jewish . and kearney , your familys in that cult moe started . i had to join . my moms doing the savior . i mean , the one true moe . youre the one true moe . help me , oh , mighty moe . i cant . im not really a god . i was just acting crazy to get out of jury duty . look at lisa simpson over there by herself . not talking to us , her best friends . do we hate her . yes . yes . lisa , we came to tell you that we is that a mypod . yeah . ive already downloaded so much incredible music . check out moon dreams , from miles davis birth of the cool . or check out this mytunes exclusive episode of itchy and scratchy . why . stop . i love the nightlife ive got to boogie on the disco round marge , i installed all the low energy bulbs . marge what have you done with the old ones . disposed of them in an environmentally friendly manner . milhouse is looking good . hes got contacts , changed color , got a cool new catch phrase . dad , thats bashir , my new friend . bart forgot this , sir . sir . thats the kind of respect youd have to strangle out of an american kid . you know , bart never told me he had a handsome teenage brother . im really . thirty eight waist i might believe . hey , carl . got any idea what direction meccas in . why dont you ask homer . he ought to know by dint of his sons new friend . hey , bashirs great . if derek jeter married mariah carey , it wouldnt last , but i bet theyd have a kid like him . homer , this is serious . this bashir kid is muslim , and therefore up to something . well , i cant believe that till i see a fictional tv program espousing your point of view . all right . for the last time , fayed . where did you hide the nerve gas . under your statue of libertys dress . and she loved it . oh , my god . what can i do . well , if you want to stop bashir and his war on american principles , you could discriminate against his family in employment and housing . yeah , thats pretty patriotic . but i got a better idea . invite them over . a little dinner , a little dessert . then you jack bauer them into giving you all their secrets . i guess i have no choice . homie , its very open minded of you to have barts muslim friends muslim family over . heres the plan , marge . you keep them talking . ill be listening and quietly judging . the doorbell will tell you when theyre here . so , how did you two meet . we met while studying at jordan university of science and technology . interesting . why just the other day , i was reading that science is used to make bombs . now bait the trap . why dont i get us dessert . i made us a little cake . care to cut . watch this , lenny . not now . i got soap in my eyes . no . thank you . whats the matter . dont like the taste of freedom . dad , these people are my friends . dont fear them just because they have a different religion , a different culture and their last name is bin laden . young man , you do not respect us by disrespecting your father . i like the way you italians think . shut up , old man . i think it is time for us to go . thats it . ruin a perfect evening . youre teaching bart a terrible lesson of intolerance . im sorry . its just so fun and easy to judge people based on religion . well , i want you to go over to their house and apologize . but were the more powerful country for a few more years . okay . ill apologize . dont eat that , sweetie . its poison . i am sorry i suspected you of being soulless murderers of innocent children . i hope we can move past this and dynamite . they are terrorists . must leave quietly . so far , so good . marge , i was right . everybody is whatever i think they are . i saw them unloading dynamite . homer , im sure you didnt see anything . go to sleep . all right , sweetie . but if i wake up tomorrow , well discuss it . hi , homer . you rubbed . you must like me . you really , like me . good morning , ramadan . come to crazy fayedis . our prices are hussein . heres genie . now do flanders . no . now i will destroy your decadent western society . no . usually that ends the dream . the power of dreaming has convinced me the threat is real . delivery for lisa simpson . its a gift from mapple . such beautiful packaging . i never thought a company could be my soul mate . its my first mybill .  . but i only downloaded songs . i gotta prove the genie was right . off to work . sometimes i wish you would quit that awful business . but i love blowing up buildings . oh , my god . safely and legally in order to make room for new buildings . darling . i think youre working much too hard . yes . i am killing myself . but it is all for the profit . and after the explosion , i will be in a better place . that corner office with the downtown view . oh , its you . what do you want . i want to apologize for being such a jerk at dinner . and i thought the best way to do that would be to come to your house and poke around . mr . simpson , i accept your apology . goodbye . wait , . i read somewhere your people are hospitable to guests . is that true . yes . praise be oliver . thats allah . well look it up in the corona . so , now that were alone , death to america , right . homer , why are you really here . look at that . were out of almond paste . dont get up . ill grind the almonds myself . a computer . im in . theyre gonna blow it up . homer , i dont hear almond grinding . just listen . im grinding them now . ow . my finger . here comes the ambulance . my , youre a handsome fellow . just get in the ambulance , mr . simpson . well see to your finger . why , thank you . my finger . everyone , get out . run for your lives . run for your stay where you are . bart . boy , dont blow up this mall . it has the cookie store that gives free samples . i cant believe your dad gets paid to blow stuff up . actually , bart , my job is about math and engineering . every calculation is to make sure the explosion is safe . did you factor in one bald idiot . no , i usa . usa . usa . dad , it was an empty building . it was supposed to come down . what about the bridge . that was supposed to open tomorrow . do we really need a bridge there . the duff brewery is on that island . ill save you . that banner has really paid for itself over the years . we accept your apology . lisa , add another name to our christmas card list . next to our jewish friends . where is lisa . she said something about the bottom of the ocean and be back in a month . announcer welcome to mapple headquarters . the cost of this journey will be added to your bill . come on . come on . yes . sixteen million results . mr . mobs , theres a surface dweller here to see you . mytunes user jazzgal . lisa simpson . send her in . lisa . its insanely great to see you . mr . mobs , i sort of downloaded too many songs onto my mypod , and i dont have the money to pay for them . and do you think you could consider a reduced payment plan . im sorry . i know our posters say , think differently , but our real slogan is , no refunds . cant you open your mapple menu and click on the compassion bar . oh , please . lisa , how would you like to work for mapple . would i ever . think differently . think differently . think differently . think differently . springfield . sir , were two minutes from landing at the billionaires retreat . ah . my favorite week of the year . sophisticated financial discussions with my fellow plutocrats . food fight . take that , ted turner . in your face , founder of facebook . skinny dip . yee haw . man gangway . men . the room for me . nice prank , simpson . i dare you to dump that bees nest on those second grade babies . why would i want to . because i said , i dare you . kearney , can you read it back . nice prank , simpson . i dare you to dump that bees nest on those second grade babies . bart why would i want to . jimbo because i said , i dare you . kearney , can you read it back . kearney , reading nice prank , simpson . i dare you to the point is , simpson , a dare has been placed on your nards . my nards accept . stingamajigs . save yourselves . huh . where are the bees . no bees . dare annulled . can i appeal . yeah . appeal to other guys , captain wuss . other than the birth of my kid , this is my happiest moment . all the bees are dead . aye , lass . the bees are dying , and not just here . all over the world . from glasgow clear to edinburgh . and no one knows why . ive lost a lot of wee friends of late . willie , i didnt know you were an apiarist . from context , i can tell that means beekeeper . tis a tragedy , lisa . no man should outlive his bees . theyre stinging god now . and the call from the sec was coming from inside their own brokerage house . jeff bezos wet his pants . i did not . that was apple juice from before . i fold . i raise a million dollars . and to sweeten the pot , my assistant , smithers . if you lose me , sir , may i say what an honor its been to bets dont talk . they see and raise . well , if were betting people , i got a whole herd of them . my professional basketball team , the austin celtics . well , theyre hardly worth a smithers . but we dont have all night . can you beat nine high . damn . eight high . so i own a basketball team , do i . take good care of them , burnsie . dont let the forwards mix with the guards . and if theyre acting sluggish , slip some steroids into their cocaine . mmm hmm . fortune four lotto numbers are nine knew it . seven duh . three what . and boring . dad , we have to do something . all the bees are dying . oh , no . no bees . oh . now who will sting me and walk all over my sandwiches . but , dad , bees pollinate flowers . flowers . the painted whores of the plant world . no bees means no honey . synthetic honey , just like you remember . honey . thank you . doh . i never dreamed the future could be scary . lets go , lisa . weve got some worms to save . bees . worms , bees , ticks , fleas . lets go , . im glad you called me . i know im not the first scientist in the phone book . thats associate professor aaron ableman . how i hate him . thundering thorax . its just exactly what i feared . in there . close . see these red dots . this bee has been felled by bee measles . or as i call it , beesles . animals can get sick . im going to talk to the girl from now on . youre the nerd . what we need to do now is find enough uninfected bees to start a healthy colony . this pheromone should attract them . marry me , and ill support you for life . youre not a bee . this thing is useless . theres one on lisa . hold still , sweetie . daddy will kill it . and this time , no screw ups . stop . stop . its an uninfected queen . how do we catch her without hurting her . unfortunately , the best method is to allow her to sting you . yeah . much like that . now squeeze around the stinger to keep her attached , and a colony of bees will soon form around your face . now just keep them there until the colony is healthy and thriving . how long is that . long enough that you will be known as springfields crazy bee girl . she likes the stingers . marge , remember when we were talking about our worst fears . mmm hmm . and mine was snakes , and yours was never being a grandmother . really . i thought it was lisa with a beard of bees . well , whatever . brace yourself . president lincoln , youve come back . and you got rid of that hat . youve got my vote . lisa , i dont like this at all . its not for long . but until they find a suitable habitat , this beard is the only hope for these bees . relax , mom . ill mold them into a shape you know and love . stop milhousing your sister . now take it off before they sting you . actually , bees rarely sting when theyre in a cluster . they only attack to defend their hive . i dont know . all it takes is one troubled ioner . please let me keep them for just a little longer . okay . one night . so lets see how my burly bottomed ball handlers are faring . smithers , were leading two to nothing . run out the clock , boys . run out the clock . oh , yeah . three points . big three in the big d for the big c . mark cuban , thats me . who is that man . and why isnt his enthusiasm being punished . thats mark cuban , sir . hes the most flamboyant owner in the league . im out of my mind . how odd . his money seems to have bought him happiness . id like to meet him , smithers . so you made your money in nuclear power . i cant remember how i made my money . if youre really a billionaire , give me the secret billionaires handshake . smithers , turn away . hey . so tell me , why dont you recoil from the public like a normal billionaire . hey , why own a basketball team if youre not gonna have any fun . fun . is that how its pronounced . ive only seen it written . hold that thought . no ones paid attention to me for whole seconds . its time for this peacock to show his feathers . you know , the feathers with the big eye that trick them into thinking thats my front . said feathers are what ill flaunt . mom , maybe you shouldnt have put so much syrup on the pancakes . the secret is not to swallow the stingers . dad , dont eat the bees . theyre just drones , lisa . they only live for like five minutes anyway . and they only have haploid cells , not diploid , like me and bart . yeah . listen , lisa , i was trying to think of a way to help your bees . and i remembered this abandoned greenhouse outside of town . which used to be a beautiful thriving greenhouse till i was hired to run it . your bees will have plenty of room in this old greenhouse . plus , there are flowers . and its near a prison , so theyll have a place to sting people . oh , mom , its perfect . go live your lives . get off my face . i miss them . now you know how ill feel when you go to college . youll always have bart , always . but hell be gone a lot , repairing refrigerators . always . announcer on pa ladies and gentlemen , please welcome your new fun ioving owner . youve seen him on the cover of the december issue of colliers magazine , montgomery burns . silence . now lets make some noise for everyones favorite basketball team , whom i have renamed the springfield excitement . i knew it . now i would like to sing our national anthem . my country tis of thee austria , hungary obey your king sir , the archduke is dead . what . the archduke is dead . and the empire is destroyed . then what happened . world war i . then what . world war ii . then what . a postwar period . then what . the cold war . then what . then what . then what . the european union . a european union . good heavens . mr . burns ladies , hold on to your husbands . its time for the saucy antics of springfields own basket belles . enough of this vulgarity . back to your brothel , harlots . now enjoy your game and the madcap antics of the freewheeling title holder of this asset , me . hip hop hooray . ho . hey . ho . hey . ho . hey . ho . you drew a picture of my morning but you couldnt make my day sir , were those real bullets . yes . was that a real gorilla . no . i see . sir , your escapades , while well intentioned , seem to be driving away our fans . we have to turn this business around . time to think outside the boxiola . what would mark cuban do . im out of my mind . thats not much help . build a new arena , state of . new arena . thats it , men . pave and tar the way god intended . mr . burns , you cant do this . i can , i shall , and in the future , i will have done . i cannot be stopped . kill his acorns and make him watch . first , one announcement . i regret to inform you we are not offering childcare tonight . i dont know who that guy was you were leaving your kids with . now without further ado , lets get ready to referendum . theres only one place in town where the bees can survive , and mr . burns wants to tear it down . mr . burns gulps please , people . you didnt listen to me about the snail darter . you didnt listen to me about the osprey . and you didnt listen to me about the javelina . the feisty pig of the desert . apparently not feisty enough . future generations will judge us by how we cared for the tiniest creatures . i am not just asking you to save the bees . i am asking you to save your souls . excellent speech . just excellent . i no longer wish to build my magnificent new basketball stadium . you dont . heavens no . no skyboxes . no kiss cam . nor will we have the chance to marvel at number one draft pick muk mu , the human north pole . no . im afraid hell be on the first kayak back to ketchikan . all no . please dont take our freak . i love you , muk mu . muk mu . muk mu . muk mu . muk mu . all those in favor of building this decadent monument to excess , say aye . all aye . nay . i know its not your fault , muk mu . youre a gentle , loving soul . whats wrong with your bees , lisa . mr . burns took away their sanctuary . and now they arent strong enough to survive on their own . im going home . give me the keys to my bike lock . are you sure . give me the keys . okay , . i dont know why i had them in the first place . id do anything to cheer up my little girl . really . listen , homer . in the back room , i got these super tough africanized bees . i saw this ad in a gentlemens magazine for excited african honeys , and thats what they sent me . if we could combine them with lisas bees , it would make them strong enough to survive any environment . but how are we supposed to combine the dna of two strains of the same species . actually , homer you and me . no . the bees . oh , yeah , . thats what i meant , too . i have no inclination . got the queen . yup . and shes ready for a night of anonymous sex with multiple partners . now lets give em some privacy while they get down to buzziness . come with me , my love to the sea the sea of love if they was me , theyd be done by now . wow , this must be important , dad . ive never seen you walk up an incline before . sweetie , i have a very special surprise for you . my bees . your bees died days ago . these are their angry mutant descendants . and theyre tough enough to live in any environment . they sound awfully mad . are they dangerous . hmm . im not sure . let me check . are you guys dangerous . a simple yes wouldve sufficed . dont worry , lisa . where else are they gonna go . to that new stadium that looks exactly like a hive . welcome to the american dream . a billionaire using public funds to construct a private playground for the rich and powerful . and now , so our skybox owners can really enjoy the game , i shall let in the sky . stop . i am one of you . weve been invaded by a swarm of killer bees . my microphone is no microphone at all . its bees . am i being badly stung . yes . and it hurts . our bullets are useless . okay , theyre useful on me . oh . theyve found a home . youve won this round . but when next we meet , the beekeeper will be the beekeepee . mr . burns screaming help me , muk mu . so thats how i was outfoxed by a little girl and her halfwit companion when my beautiful stadium was declared a bee sanctuary , and i had to take a third quarter write down of million dollars . wait a minute . someone crunch the numbers . hes only worth . hes not a billionaire at all . wait , . its only a matter of four million . im sure i can find that somewhere . i have here in my wallet . mark , can you get me off the hook for old times sake . cant do it , monty . dont worry . youll feel a lot more comfortable in the millionaires camp . no . no . just kill me now . howdy do . i own a minor league hockey team . springfield . worst couch gag ever . why do we have to go to the rec center . i want to play with my friends . when youre older , youll miss these fun activities . youre older . why dont you do these fun activities . because no ones making me . bye bye . welcome to shaolin kung fu . ten thousand years of knowledge will be passed along to those whose parents have signed a permission slip . the rest of you have just purchased very expensive pajamas . pardon me , master . but what does a big fat wad like you know about kung fu . kung fu is not about physique but the channeling of ones energy , or chi . if you doubt my skill , please feel free to attack at my signal . my chi . do we have any more paints . my orange isnt the orange of that orange . just paint the damn fruit . lower your expectations , lisa . public program , public program . teacher mmm hmm . mmm hmm . mmm hmm . stop . stop . juliet , this is terrible . your art is personal and wrong . i was painting with my heart . and if you look carefully , you can see that the knight is josh groban , our young centurys greatest vocalist . oh . another grobanite . excuse me . but i think her painting is very imaginative . i suppose youd like to teach this class . yes , i would . class , everyone , please stop and admire juliets painting . i do not need this . my family owns a gas station . if you two thoughtful and creative girls dont like the way i teach , theres a world of fun , outside . see you . what are you staring at . everyone paint me twenty laps . come on , fatty . keep up . so how come ive never seen you around the janet l . munoz robbins rec center before . my father just took a position at springfield university . are your parents academics . kinda . lets do some groban . everybody wants everybody wants to be understood to be understood well , i can hear you well , i can hear you everybody wants everybody wants to be loved to be loved dont give up dont give up because you are loved because you are loved i need some candy for a first play date , but i dont want to come on too strong . mms . well , if i pick plain , shell think im cheap . but if i pick peanuts , she may have an allergy . you just killed her , bart . how about charleston chew . what is this . brooklyn in the fifties . dont just say stuff . you ask for my help then you dont want it . excuse me . but why not consider an almond joy . it looks like you only brought something for yourself . but then you just happen to have two pieces . finally a real suggestion . if she doesnt like coconut , youre screwed . mmm . oh . hi , juliet . so what do you want to do . i dont know . its been so long since ive had a play date . not that i couldnt get one if i wanted . my parents bought me a membership card to the folk art museum . does it get you into special exhibits . on wednesdays . thats today . folk art so lisa asked if her new friend could stay for dinner . shes finally doing something the book said she would . wont last . hey , mom . can juliet sleep over . are your parents okay with that . they never met us . we could be murderers . couldve been , if we hadnt had kids . juliets father is the worlds foremost john grisham scholar . he found several undiscovered plot twists in the client , and he proved that the real villain in a time to kill is the legal system itself . told you , marge . told you . now we need a name for our imaginary kingdom i mean , queendom . how about equalia . equalia . where everyone is equal but were in charge . i mean , somebody has to be , right . okay , you two . lights out . lisa , do you want to be best friends . gosh , this is all happening so fast . i dont know what to say . say yes . say yes . id love to . good night , lisa . i have a best friend . you heard me say that , didnt you . i did . were still cool though , right . we are . my best friend is so cool . mom , im meeting juliet after school . great . here are a few best friend tips . compliment her hair and shoes . if her dog bites you , dont make a big deal out of it , and friendship is like marriage . the key is listening . also , if her dog bites you , dont make a big deal out of it . i just said that . okay , honey . if its that important to you , said it . were at the end of chapter four . but we need a grabber , a whammy , a snapperoo , some eye mustard . i got it . how about this . what if queen helvetica found a rare two horned unicorn . a twonicorn . oh . i love your accent . twonicorn . you are definitely doing the book on tape . and queens valedictoria and helvetica hid their beloved twonicorn from the hungry ogre , homeroni . girls are so lame . isnt that right , headless darth vader . whats that . you miss your girlfriend , armless malibu stacy wrapped in hockey tape . now , remember . juliets family is very classy . so be on your best behavior . use as many big words as possible . i call computer . bart , you can have doorbell . nice doorbell . is it computerized . hey , that was homer . well , we i you come up with an excuse . homer , isnt it wonderful that my juliet and your lisa have become such fast friends . if you say so , miord . dinners ready . lf youll show me to your bathroom , id like to pretend to wash my hands . new friendship , so full of promise . much like a young mitch mcdeere in john grishams the firm . when they make a movie from his books , does he get one or two free tickets . it depends on the production company . he had much to be happy about . a brilliant mind and a solid body that did not gain weight and needed little sleep . attention , everyone . lisa and i would like to perform a medley of josh grobans juliet , im worried this josh groban is becoming a bit of an obsession for you . lets just listen to james horners soundtrack to the pelican brief , shall we . track three , researching the brief . i hate track three . i hate it . i hate it . ill go get her . hey , could you take a look at a lump on my back . im not that kind of doctor . i get it . heres bucks . dr . hobbes mmm . thats chewing gum . what a racket . juliet , are you okay . i am now . dont you see them . see who . our friends . the lords and ladies of equalia . juliet , youre scaring me just a little oh . co queens helvetica and valedictoria , were so glad youre finally here . im a giraffopus . im uncomfortable in water and on land . a twonicorn . toss me a treat . i didnt know i could do that . and now hit shuffle on the royal mypod . so she dances in and out of the crowd like a glance this romance is from afar calling me silently these be mini pizzas made from dragon eggs , your majesties . mom , please dont do that . who is this mom of which you speak . mom , stop . this is our thing , not yours . im just trying to its better if you dont . mr . and mrs . simpson , we need to talk about lisa . shes unfocused , scribbling nonsense , living in a world of her own . well , thats bart for you . were talking about lisa , your daughter . seems like you and i are always talking about bart , my son . lisa has been seeing an awful lot of her new friend . yes . the one ive seen on lisas facebook page . i search all the childrens facebook pages for unflattering references to me . by the way , i enjoyed the photos of your trip to yosemite . that . we were actually just going out for brunch and i got lost . but dont worry , officer . well definitely have a talk with the boy . lisa i cant see juliet anymore . i thought you wanted me to have a best friend . there are limits to how much two people should be together . well , you cant keep juliet and me apart . iii ill disobey . im bart simpsons mother . you think youve got any tricks i havent seen . bart simpson , age three . bart simpson , age ten . juliet , what are you doing here . im running away . and youre coming with me . id love to . but im supposed to attend the model un this weekend . im the delegate from azerbaijan , and im threatening a rice tariff . lisa , i know how important the model uns work is . but equalia needs you . i need you . okay , best friend . i remember when i was young and i ran off to a land of equality . name . dr . william mcdougal . from now on , youre groundskeeper willie . next . this is where well live . how did you find this place . my family ate here last week . it really went downhill fast . but if you just believe , anyplace can be equalia . oh , no . clam elots is closed . im not surprised . their clam chowder smelled like soap . yeah . i wonder if lisa has threatened the model un with her rice tariff yet . i doubt it . fridays usually just committee assignments and procedural rules . martin on phone mrs . simpson . hiya , martin . hows the model un . total chaos . were two minutes away from a roll call vote on a non binding resolution and no azerbaijan . are you saying lisas not there . to the extent you can trust the word of a belgian , yes . lisa ran away . and its all my fault . if id just let her continue her obsessive relationship with that troubled little girl , everything wouldve been fine . if i know my sister , and unfortunately i do , she probably ran off to some lame o make believe castle . a castle . i know where they are . wait . hmm . is it someplace id have to put on a tie . no . is it a place id look overdressed if i did wear a tie . you probably would . what about a jacket and jeans with a nice t shirt . just go . you know what i think killed this place . no one wanted to drive to the middle of the forest for clams . lets go get my little girl . my familys here . marge hmm . shes not here . kearney hmm . girls in our hideout . now theyll tell people where we go to stash our stolen peaches . and to wait out our bad haircuts . wed better tie them up . this place is where we came after my bar mitzvah . you said you werent having one . it was just family . all these pictures of seafood are making me hungry . well get some cream for the peaches while you guard the prisoners . dont screw it up , butt brain . at least my dad didnt smoke after his stroke . juliet , im scared . shut your eyes and youll be in equalia . equalia is not real . maybe not . but its better than this . so the armies of the gnomes and the elves faced off on either side of the hollow , broad axes poised . with a fearsome cry , they raced towards the center of the battlefield , banners aflutter in the breeze . what comes next . a battle to determine the fate of equalia . but you wouldnt be interested . i have a wide variety of interests . is there them dragon things . isnt that a little clichd . yes . i mean , yes , there are dragons , everywhere . green ones , chinese ones , chubby bald ones . i like those ones . tell me about those . and so the queens and the me dragon . danced the minuet of equality on a gossamer dewdrop . aww . whats going on here . whats this . an ambitious first novel by the two brightest young writers this side of the iowa writers workshop . i bet itll burn up good . put the book down . why should we , butt brain . for equalia . i am not a hero i am not an angel i am just a man whos trying to love her well , it looks like were safe . looks like . juliet , i dont want to go to equalia anymore . what do you mean . its a special place . but i need to live in the real world . the real world . the real world is for people who cant imagine anything better . goodbye , lisa . goodbye , juliet . cuckoo . we have received your manuscript , the chronicles of equalia . sounds promising so far . unfortunately , it is not what were looking for at this time . thank you for thinking of us . rejected . you got a letter all the way from new york city , and thats something . and you know what else , sweetie . you and your friend , princess nut job , inspired me to write my own fantasy novel based on my experiences as a dad . okay , chapter one uh oh . writing is hard . bart ladies and gentlemen , fall out boy . springfield . aha . today we induct the newest honoree to the springfield wall of fame , who will take his place along such luminaries as duffman , poochie and the man who invented the yield sign , paul yield . now please welcome the newest inductee into the springfield wall of fame , local businessman , frequent flyer silver cardholder , and legendary tipper , springfields own vance connor . hi , . man youre better than us . homer , that guys your age . no , hes ten days younger . so youre saying hell look like you in ten days . if hes lucky . the guy owns a few local businesses and everyone treats him like hes god . well , god doesnt need his own special day . what about sunday . sundays the lords day , boy . not gods . completely different guy . your fathers just jealous because vance was our class president in high school . if i had won class president , id be the one getting thrown up in the air right now . dad , you ran for class president . yep . back in high school , right before i met your mother . a simpler time when the only thing we worried about was total nuclear annihilation . rock the boat dont rock the boat , baby rock the boat dont tip the boat over so under my reign as vice president , we sent three mathletes to the state finals . all of the tenth graders lima beans germinated . all yeah . yeah , you should be proud . so if you want to build on that , vote for me , and you will all advance with vance . now im gonna throw it back to a guy who , in my opinion , is the classiest principal in the business , principal dondalinger . ladies , ive seen him up close . and , yes , his eyes are that green . our next candidate is homer simpson . please hold your applause forever . my fellow wildcats . my name is homer simpson . there are many reasons why i you know what . i spent all night working on that speech . but now i realize the best thing to do is speak from my heart . woman his heart . so i feel that fellow wildcats webster defines in the words of ted nugent you school spirit next card the future ive never heard a speech so bad . ten days detention . no fair . anyone who votes for vance gets a half day tomorrow . half day , eh . dont feel bad , homie . i married you . and youre a million times better than here comes vance . hey , vance . thanks for coming out . hey , gail . i love your bangs . hi . there they are . my favorite mixed race couple . guys that popular and confident are never truly happy . he looks happy . tears of a clown . hes not crying . and hes not known for clowning . exception that proves the rule . if losers like me know one thing , its that deep down , winners like him are miserable . watch , ill prove it . angry nut coming through . clear a path , boys . hey , vance . hey , homer simpson . how you been . great . thanks . listen , settle a bet . behind that smile , youre dying , right . behind this smile is a bigger smile trying to get out . oh . oh . here it comes . oh , yeah . please . you gotta have some secret agony . i bet those fancy shoes hurt your feet . no . actually theyre like two leather clouds . oh . got them from a buddy of mine with a store in shelbyville . you want his number . no . yes . hey , homer . you want to try my new vance connorpolitan . like vance , it is smooth , cool , and oh so sophisticated . ill just stick with my beer . homer , why are you so down on vance connor . he gave me one of his kidneys . yeah , me , too . because when vance beat me in that election , he ruined my life . why did you just exchange that look of guilt . lenny , i think its time for us to come clean . about how we give each other haircuts . no . well take that secret to our graves . im talking about you know . right . listen , homer . something weird happened back in high school . teenage carl and i were walking down the hallway when you two . i want you to take this box and bury it in the woods . the true results of this election must never be known . i tell you what . well do it under one condition . our parents want us to go to college . but with a bad enough recommendation from you , we can stay here and party . okay . but screw this up and its carnegie mellon university for the both of you . so theres a chance i actually won . i gotta dig up that ballot box . just let it go , homer . ai gore . homer , i had a presidential election stolen from me . but i moved on . and i think you could say everything worked out all right . isnt that right , alfred . it sure is , albert . ballots stolen . real winner unknown . what is the truth . i gotta know . lenny , wake up . finally you return my shovel . thats not why im here . get dressed . california casual or business attire . california casual . there it is . the ballot box . no . this is the box that tells us where the ballot box is . what will this box reveal . and what will i use this box for afterwards . mismatched nuts and bolts . recipes . i may never know . lisa vance connor . homer doh . lisa homer simpson . homer woo hoo . vance connor . doh . homer simpson . woo hoo . vance connor . doh . homer simpson . woo hoo . please stop doing that . doh , or woo hoo . both . homer simpson , vance connor , fonzie , homer simpson . and the winner is homer simpson . yes . im senior class president . i get a parking spot if the assistant principal isnt using it . wait a second . if id been class president like i was supposed to , id be the one with the big mansion , and the color tvs , and the hot wife . hey . marge , i still would be married to you , but you would just be hotter . ohhh . dad , just cause you won a high school election doesnt mean your whole life wouldve been better . thats exactly what it means . and dondalinger took that life away from me . and the taking of a life is murder . and the punishment for murder is well , it varies from state to state and by race , but im gonna find dondalinger and tell him i know what he did last summer , thats the thing about you assistant principals . you can drive the ball but you cant putt . wait a minute . youre not in our foursome . no other foursome would have me . my legs gross people out . homer dondalinger . uh oh . looks like one of my former students on a quest for truth . dondalinger , i shouldve been class president . but you stole the election from me . i can explain . but are you sure we should talk in front of your son . yes . i want him to know that if your life doesnt turn out the way you want , theres someone else to blame . i already knew that , dad . im gonna blame you . i respect your choice . now drive back to the clubhouse and order me a tom collins . with a virgin tom collins for me . virgin . what are you . a girl . now , dondalinger , i want some answers . very well . its a fact , i didnt like you , simpson . still dont . you lie . you love me . whatever complex emotions i feel , theyre not why i did what i did . there was another reason . jive talkin youre telling me lies jive talkin homer simpson , what a loser . hey , what if we got everyone to vote for him as a joke and he won . then we could laugh at him all the way through high school and at every reunion . go , sports . go , sports . hmm . so you see , i disposed of the ballot box to spare your feelings . you denied me my dream . so im angry . but you did it out of kindness , so im grateful . im filled with respect and contempt for you . i why you oh . you are so i hate you . as principal , i did a lot of things im not proud of . i would steal school chalk from my own chalkboard . but im not sorry i rigged that election . now , if youll excuse me , im gonna sit under that tree and think of all the women i couldve talked to but didnt . hmm . the brown haired girl gave me a look . the red head in the park was reading a book . the girl at the airport upgraded my car . tonight , i wonder just where you are . homie , youre barely eating . yeah . i can actually see your hands . theyre not just a blur . i dont feel much like eating . ill never know what wouldve happened if i had been class president . luigl you could know if you dared . huh . who said that . in the kitchen is a man from the old country who works for me . he stirs the sauce . they say if he stirs the sauce just right , he can also see what might have been . as a rational skeptic , i find that hard to believe . also as a vegetarian , i hope theres not meat in that sauce . any other orders , mussolini . no . thats it . watch the sauce . you see what i see . i see a hair . you see too much . now watch the sauce of bubbling red . and see the life you couldve led . okay . cook yes , i like to stir . your new senior class president is , homer simpson . our presidents a real loser . yeah . a loser like us . he proves you dont have to be popular to have everyone like you . homer . homer . homer . both homer . homer . all homer . homer . homer . homer i wouldve been a winner . instead of some idiot spending his saturday nights staring into a bowl of sauce . why did fate do this to me . ask the garlic bread . why . why . hey , everyone . the stupid fat mans talking to garlic bread . come on , stir . i must see more . homie , please . nothing good will come of this . marge , unlike cpr , this is something i must know . very well . now we must once more stare madly into the sauce . mr . president , we need a class song , a class motto , and a class mascot . color my world , disco sucks , and butthead the goat . mr . president , do you approve of the bailout of the french club . theyre too big to fail . homer , do you have a date for the prom yet . sorry . the only girl i could ever want is right over there . debbie pinson . hey , debbie . want to go to prom with me . well , im engaged to the quarterback , but yes . forget it , marge . a girl like you could never land a homer simpson . lisa aha . so dads life would actually have been worse because he wouldnt have gotten together with mom , his one true love . just keep watching the sauce , girlie . i got the biggest lapels , the ruffliest shirt , and the most beautiful girl . thank you , homer . debbie , i forgot i have an english paper due on monday . would you read to kill a mockingbird for me . and if you could write down how boo radley fits into the southern gothic tradition , that would be great . nobodys ever asked me to use my head brain before . homer simpson , class president . marge oh , my god . hes talking to me . a lot of great things have happened to me lately . but theyre nothing compared to meeting you . may i have this dance . only if it lasts forever . homer simpson . i was gonna let you get to fifth base . it wouldve been something you told your grandchildren about . sorry , debbie . i hope you can find happiness without me . who wants a cheerleader on the rebound . i do . right . i can hardly believe this is real . marge , the way i feel about you is as real and lasting as my hairline . whos that side of beef munching on our sister . i dont know . but in this reality i am not gay . hubba . homer sweet dreams . young man , you have the noble bearing of the barbarian leader vercingetorix . thank you , mysterious weirdo . tell me , what student government office do you hold . secretary . treasurer . dare i say secretary treasurer . im class president . hot dog . say , how would you like to work for me . sir , we could start him off in sector g . g . let the lennys and the carls of the world waste their wretched lives in that testicle shriveling torture chamber . son , youll be working in sector f . lisa aha . so dads life wouldve been the same . he wouldve married mom and worked for mr . burns . it wouldve been a push . can you keep her quiet . not even when shes snorkeling . i was describing beautiful fish , bart . how you doing , dad . i cant complain . and i never do . thanks for letting me live in your guesthouse . honey , im home . where are the kids . you used protection . we never had any . well , thats whats missing . our lives would be horrible without the kids . yes . that must be it . this is the best of all possible worlds . blah blah . i want to live in the sauce . if you could live in the sauce , dont you think i would live in the sauce . how long has he been there . i dont know . but hes algae fying . homie , please come inside . okay . dad , we need to have a talk . i get it . youre all gonna try to convince me that my life is great just like it is , right . are you kidding . we couldnt even convince you that bruce wayne is batman . come on . that millionaire playboy . hes too busy socializing at cocktail parties and managing the affairs of the wayne foundation . dont open this one again . why does he think alfreds friends with batman . just stop . dad , we think the sauce had it all wrong . look who thinks hes smarter than sauce . sweetheart , i think youd feel better after we take a little walk . homer why would you bring me here . its like bringing richard nixon to the watergate , or kevin costner to waterworld . really . my own plaque . and one for vice president butthead . cool . is that why you brought me here , spirits . yep . in the future , people will look at this and theyll say , whoever he was , he mustve mattered . i guess that would be nice . pardon me . can my son have his picture taken with you . really . sure . dad , do you think i could be elected class president . well , we cant all be homer simpson , son . thanks , guys . hey , was there another plaque here before . plaques come , plaques go . now lets get something to eat . how about italian . god , no . i hear theres a korean barbecue place where the beef spells out the date of your death . whoo . that sounds like fun . springfield . you know i can deal with your problem or i can rock out . but i cannot do both . were an american band were an american band were comin to your town well help you party down were an american band otto , help me . fu u nk . what am i hearing now . nature . the ultimate bring down . why was i born .  . dont worry , dude . well hook you up with some tunes . old mcdonald had a fart and on his farthe had a fart . fart , . thats not a song . real songs are about deals with the devil , far off lands , and where youd find smoke in relation to water . mister driver . one of my bus mates has purloined my french horn . why cant you talk like a dude . oh , knock it off , kearney . why are you still in this school anyway . we were in third grade together . stupid school doesnt know how to teach me . the farts on the bus go round and round oh , wow , this is about less funny than you think it is . w wait the radio . thatll drown em out . disco . easy listening . country western . world music . urban smooth . salsa fusion . metallica . am i on drugs . yes , you are , but that really is metallica . now if youll excuse me , im late for a gumdrop parade on foo foo island . whats up , metallica . need a lift . we dont take rides from strangers . im no stranger . remember this . metallica ru u . oh , yeah , springfield arena , row xx , seat . i was about to quit the bande when i saw your lighter . you saved me that night . so what are you waiting for . hop in . hop in what . look at me , im otto . im a hundred years old , and i drive a school bus . oh , man . maybe me and metallica can go splitsies on a cab . hey , loser , we got a ride from a real fan . i used to sleep with lars grandmother . never listen to our music again . bye bye, , take care , watch your step , eat my shorts , have a good one . shes all yours , dude . oh , and i think i ran over a moose . this is for every bus driver , lunch lady , gym coach , hall monitor otto . are you meting out corporal punishment . cant talk now . im spanking a child . you are temporarily suspended from bus driving , with pay . no . hand in your beaded seat cover . and your gun . i hope youre happy , bart . thanks to your hijinks , i have to drive you and your friends to school . let me drive . i go through yellow lights . one more crack out of you , young man , and im showing everyone your baby pictures . sorry , . carpool . i brought my own car seat . look . hey , lisa , my safety bar matches your eyes . carpool , nelson . just a sec , ive got to finish my science project . whoa . squirrels dont like rocks . okay , just one more kid to pick up . ew , its michael . that weird kid who never says anything . hes so gross and stupid . hi , michael . hi , michael . hey , dork , youre sittin on my shadow . sorry . what , youre too good to sitn my shadow . aw , i forgot my math book . no problem , ill just drive up to your house and get it . whoa . your mother must dance at the nicest strip club in town . michael , my son . here is your book , and never forget the divisor goes into the dividend . yes , papa . that was fat tony . your dads a mob boss . please dont have me whacked . i was just kidding around . we were all having fun . wasnt it fun . oh , fun is so fun . there is no mafia . columbus day is better than christmas . hes fat tonys son . his daddy putted bullets in my daddy . my daddy had to potty in a bag . ah , look at all this puke . why did i come in on my day off . oh , fat tonys lad . god bless you . oh , stop , . whos the out of idiot on third clarinet . thats me . i p  you didnt let me finish . i from now on youre not third clarinet , youre first everything . now if you excuse me , im brewing tea and i have to go jiggle my bags . youre sitting with me . im not afraid of you . well , you shouldnt be . im not like my dad . i understand . im not like my dad either . oh . theres a triple a battery in my macaroni and cheese . it counts as a vegetable . i cant eat this . you know , i cook a little . maybe i can make you something . all we need is some fresh ingredients . well , youre not going to find any here . yeah , get in the bowl . dandelion greens , a sprig of wildill , fresh blackberry juice for dressing . its delicious . are you just saying that cause youre afraid of my dad . no , its great . oh . except for the bee . its good to see you laughing . you could make a great chef someday . my dad wants me to go into the family business . which is , uh waste management . we are going for a ride . by which i mean the carpool . perhaps we will get yogurt . now who wants to sleep with the fishes . because i broughtthis finding nemo bedspread . the calabresis . my archenemies in waste management . milhouse , may i borrow your three ring binder . garfield or love is . uh , i prefer the cat . he hates mondays . we can all relate . not that bad . mom . i apologize for my tardiness . i ran into some old acquaintances . on the surface , that sounds perfectly pleasant . papa , can lisa and her family come over for dinner . wed love to . you know , ive never met your wife . sadly , my anna maria was whacked by natural causes . oh , youre a widower . i bring flowers to her grave every sunday . oh , flowers every week . i wish i was dead . welcome to my home . must have cost a fortune . actually , you can really keep costs down when you dont pay for materials or labor or permits or land . your paintings have brush marks . and your statues have wieners . your words honor my family . in the words of the old country mangiare , i miei amici . hes talkin like the guy in fat albert . howba areba youba . homer . whyba youba doba thatba . boss , the calabresis are here for the sit down . the sit downs tonight .  . again this palm pilot has failed to remind me . i believe this needs to be hot synced . what are you doing . i thought you meant hot sync it . you know how it is with us  everything means kill . sit down item number one your recent murderous overtures with regard to my person . we meant no disrespect , fat tony . we were simply trying to kill you . when we saw you driving that carpool , we figured youd gone soft , and were therefore whackable . youd be fools to kill me for my son , michael , would take my place . and wreak a terrible vengeance . i made souffls . ive tried to make those , but they always end up as brownies . you said you meant to make brownies . any other lies . oh , this must be what angels taste like . oh , michael , one bite of this souffl and your father will realize your gift deserves to flower . why cant you do anything . so , we are at peace once more . let us indulge in exaggerated displays of affection . this guy , i love him . get over here . my brother , over here . youre my everything , over here . you color my world , over here . over here , over here . papa , i brought you some dessert . my god , this is like a lap dance for my taste buds . ah , yeah . the flavor just drove my sweet tooth to a vacant lot and whacked it . hey , kid , what bakery did you boost these from . well , actually , i made them . papa , i want to be a chef . a chef , huh . hey , look what we got here . its chef boy ar . whats he gonna do if we rub you out , serve our soup cold . well , gazpacho is served cold . so take that . hey , tony , catch you later . your kids got a bright future  catering your funeral . you know what i like . those little baby hot dogs . do they small down big ones or do they make em different . michael , you have made me appear weak in the eyes of my enemies . fat tony , its not important what other people think of you . what matters is how you feel inside . papa . your fathers gonna be absolutely fine in about three months . but for now , he cant talk , write or blink . with fat tony doing the morphine mambo , the calabresis are gonna try to put him down for a dirt nap . dirt nap , eh . hmm homer , our house is on fire . help me save the children . sorry , marge , cant hear you . what am i gonna do now . kid , the only way youre gonna live to grow shprazoot on your abonjoola is if you take your dads place . lets go . hey , can we go by the lexus place . i want to test drive that new hybrid . you are a hybrid half idiot , half moron . whoa . where did that come from . whoa . i dont know what to do . this is all my daughters fault . but ill make it up to you . bart and i will run your business till your dads okay . well , what do you know about being a mob boss . everything . and i learned it all from the greatest gangster film ever shark tale . this guy in here owes us money . leave him to me . i hurt my fist and my palm . i thought you guys were looking out for me . all right , tap jockey , you owe fat tony bucks . cough it up . look , mister , i dont got the cash . my clientele theyre all bums . they never pay . just get the money . homer , the mob is putting the screws on me , see . i aint getting killed cause you wont pay your tab . now give me bucks . take it , take it . just dont hurt me . okay , pretty boy , wheres fat tonys bucks . look , all all i got is . i swear . i swear . itll do for now . hey , its fat tonys crew . hows the big guy doing . i sent flowers , but you probably didnt get them . you know florists . glug , . krusty , fat tony hasnt received his weekly payment for keeping mcdonalds and burger king out of town . well , im a little short this week . could i just pay you to keep out hardees . ow . my schnoz . my punim . my pupik . my genechtagazoink . homer , whered you get that truck . uh , it it fell off a truck . uh , you know , a truck truck . whered you get that . eh , it fell off a truck truck . homer , helen lovejoy never returned my casserole dish from the church potluck . could you pick it up . no problem . ill be back in ten minutes . hi diddily , mob areenos . i , uh i got your , uh , phone bill in my mail by mistake , and , uh i ill just pay it . dad , you want i should plug him in the ankle . you monster . just cut his achilles tendon with this knife . bart , mr . simpson , we are getting out of the mob business , right now . but this is the only life i know . im sorry . i just cant live with myself , seeing you this way . can i still talk wh my hands . im afraid not . what about with my ears . no . my friends , i surrender . im handing over all my fathers territory , in exchange for the safety of my family and the simpsons . sorry . we can only guarantee we wont hurt them . yeah . you know , theyve still got to eat right and exercise . walk the dog once in a while . hes a furry little fitness machine . well said . as for me , from now on , my only business is cooking . you did the right thing , mikey . you werent cut out to be a wise guy . but you , got a future in this business . call me . thanks , but im going into bootleg dvds . its so great that michaels doing what he loves . and i can stop looking the other way from what my husbands doing . lady . man . lady . man . lady . i want to be buried next to my wife , under that bridge in jersey . someone poisoned these meatballs . homer . hey , if i poisoned them , would i be doing this . this is a chefs worst nightmare . i wont be using this recipe anymore . well done , my son . in making peace with our enemies , you were able to take them down . perhaps you and i are not so different after all . papa , im just glad youre okay . now get some rest . why dont you tell him it was an accident . it was an accident , right . michael . dont ever ask me out my business , lisa . michael . springfield . stop calling her that . ill tell you how she died . you know that sign that says do not stand up on the roller coaster . yeah . she overdosed right in front of it . oh . class all the way . marge , could you let it go . you won . shes dead . mm hmm . we are here to mourn the tragic loss of amber pai gow simpson , a gifted cocktail waitress who hoped one day to learn computers . amber said she wouldnt let her eighth grade education stop her from achieving her dreams and yet , it did . bart . do you want to leave the funeral early .  . do you .  . yes . of course . you were homers wife for a two day spurt your name was amber , just like the alert bart , put that away . thanks a lot . i lost my place um ah , here it is . the end . uh oh . everyone relax , huh . i know the heimlich . i learned it a few years ago . it was and titanic was proving unsinkable at the box office somebody do me . whew . your son is out of control . youve raised a savage beast . yeah . put a leash on him , lady . oh first , let me assure you that barts antics are perfectly normal for a seven year . actually , hes ten . oh , dear . dear , . spare us your medical mumbo jumbo . just give us the pills . clear cut his brain down to the nub mr . simpson , it would be easy for me to pour drugs thank you , doctor . marge . but for bart , im ing to prescribe a more unorthodox treatment . cymbals snare high hat tom tom sticks , mallet and brushes . this is a drum kit . drumming demands energy and concentration , one of which bart has , homie , look . hes enjoying it . whoa . trippy . we started living in an old house my ma gave birth , and we were checking it out it was a baby boy so we bought him a toy hey , kid , why dont you watch where youre drumming .  . sorry , white stripes . no hard feelings . lets kick his ass . oh . why couldnt he give up this like he gives up everything else . i know . ill use that white noise machine i got you when your father died . transport yourself to the shores of nova scotia where cod and halibut frolic in . hes just drumming louder . so its a noise war he wants , huh .  . then ill throw in some rush hour traffic . and a circus fire . sleep tight , my angel . oh what .  . oh . oh . let me know when and if you want sex , honey . oh , hes gotta fall asleep sometime , doesnt he . you guys need a break why dont i take bart with me to the childrens bebop brunch at jazzy goodtimes . is it in a safe neighborhood . just make it happen . boy , get dressed . youre going to a jazz brunch as punishment for all the racket youre making . i thought you wanted me to drum . im sending you mixed messages . now , get the hell outta here . i love you so much . damn you . what it is , hepcats . you want me to scat sing the menu . absolutely not . oh , god bless you , sir . hey , bart , you want to jam with me . okay . if you give me your omelet . whoo hoo . im a professional musician . not bad for a newbie , bart . you just may be the second best in case youre wondering who the best one its me . ah . crazy man , crazy . oh , yeah . theyre looking at me . all right , lisa , time to show these jazz legends how we swing in the suburbs . thats a wrap , kids . now go have some jazzy bread . thats bread that fell on the floor . excuse me . are you lisa simpson . yes , i am . im , uh , defonzo skinny palmer this is marcus marbles le marquez . pleased to meet you . we were about to play a quick set , yes . lisa simpson yes . would do us the honor yes . of sitting in that chair in the audience . we wanna jam with your brother . look . barts onstage . and hes contributing to the entertainment . yeah . i was jamming with skinny turner and they want me to join their trio . woo hoo . whats next . a contract with groove tone records . take the g train, , baby . groove tone . oh , i cant believe it . stupid brother cause ive wanted to jam with jazz musicians all my life . how would bart like it if i just hopped on his skateboard and instantly became great . ah whoa mild . mild . mild . mild . mild . lisa , youve got to be more careful . i need you to teach me all about the world of juzz . its jazz . jazz . you dont even know the name of the thing bart , youre so steady on those skins , were oh  i always wanted a jazz nickname . fine well call you , uh downbeat . cause youre bringin us down . that is the most unfair downbeat , please . were shootin the breeze with tic tock . oh , man , i am so juzzed . bart , a rising star like you needs a manager , and gils your guy . oh , im a jazz daddy from way back . with the skit skat skittily boom de , and the ding dong daddy is that jazz . thats jazz , right . cha cha with the curly fries . hey . oh , son . i like you more , now that other people like you . its mergatronic , daddy ho . bart , does that even mean anything . xavier cugat . bossie , the music business would chew you up and spit you out . you just keep your eyes on the prize , girl . mom , im gonna lose it . barts on the cover of both local jazz magazines blowin and the sugar sheet . heres the only thing ive been on the cover of . mm , look , uh , how bout we go to the pound , and get puppy just for you . that might work . oh , theyre all so cute . yeah , you know whats even cuter . picking one without talking to me . well , i kind of like this guy . oh , but this one is precious . okay , this little guys coming home with me . whos gonna get neutered tomorrow . you are . oh , yes you are . lisa simpson you doomed me . i did . how . by choosing the cuter puppy . you picked looks over personality , youth over experience , no history of rabies over unknown rabies status . and now im going to die . i never wanted that to happen . you suuuuuck . you suuuuuck . ah , thanks , sweetie . you suuuuuck . well , if you want him , you can have him . and if you get tired of him i wont get tired of him . its just too bad you cant take ol smiley here . yeah , hell be in gods dumpster tomorrow ill take him , too . and im gonna put ol henry here to sleep because he knows my darkest secret i like putting animals to sleep . ill take him , too . yeah lookin back on the track for a little green bag got to find just the kind or losin my mind out of sight in the night , out of sight in the day lookin back on the track , gonna do it my way okay , guys . no one knows youre here , so be quiet . and if you get hungry , there are rats living in the christmas decorations . and then today at lunch , lenny and i went to the park and rented a rowboat . carl sketched us from the bank . summer days what are those noises . they sounded zoological . shut up . i just said shut up . ill punish myself by going upstairs . bart . what are you doing here . uh not smoking reefer . uh , thats right . we all not smoking reefer . no , buttercup . no . my arm . it hurts where bart , that was a nasty bite you got . youll recover but youll never drum again . says you . i was a great drummer , and now im nothing , just like phil collins . i feel so terrible . i just wanted to save those animals while bart became a drummer , but i never thought the two stories would intersect . and what about my new job as a mexican wrestler . beware of taco belly . whoo . eat your heart no mas . no mas . uh , yes , i would like a bird because im often birds help . see , lisa . were making progress . drop the marsupial . if those animals arent gone by midnight tomorrow , animal control is gonna round em all up . and kill em . can i , uh , can i borrow that ostrich . sure . how cool is this . i guess thats it . these animals are all gonna die . not if i can help it , lisa . do you have an idea . uh , no . sorry if it sounded like i did . hey , guys , great news . i can drum again . sorry , tic tock . your tick is on but your tock is gone . well , ive got a confession to make . this right arm its not mine . whose is it . i dont know . tic tock , maybe you could get yourself some of that sweet , what do you call it . arthroscopic micro surgery yeah , thats the jingle . the doctor did say surgery might help , but it costs . well , i bet we could raise it huh . huh . outta sight . in the pocket . groovay , . now , you boys know you dont have to put something like that together . somethin like what together . a benefit concert . benefit concert .  . outta sight . in the pocket . groovay , . oh , this benefit concert is gonna be scooby dooby . im very happy for you , bart . why are you sad . thinking about your marriage . if we cant find a home for those animals , theyll be put to sleep . your sisters very upset . oh i feel weird . its like a potato chip full of shame , going down my throat sideways . honey , what youre feeling is called empathy . oh now im gonna learn a new word . empathy means youre looking at lisa and feeling what she feels . your sister poured her heart into rescuing those animals to forget the pain of being upstaged in jazz , and now how can i end this torture .  . you could do something nice for lisa . youre my mother . how can you say that . superstars on the way , folks . hey , . we got more jazz gooey martin , willie mimms , drop jaws turner , sketch friendly , tootsie childs , sammy biltmore , no talent jones , anwar benitez , bossy marmalade , bad check mazursky , ray ray takamura , shaky premise , bootsy croutonne , richard sakai , the pre marital sextet , c . s . i . miami , d . w . jitters the chubb group , cantaloupe st . pierre and many , more funny names . and its all to fix this very talented arm . ow . oh , right , the nerve damage . heres the benefit money , now im gonna go vomit to keep my weight down . thats right . thats how krusty does it . i wanna thank everyone for this special night . jazz folk may have the smallest apartments , but they also have the biggest hearts . but the biggest heart i know is in my sister lisa . what about me tootsie childs . lis , you pou springfield . springfield . which of the easy listening stations should we listen to . i say cool waves . neon breeze . chill thunder . chill thunder . youre all idiots . im putting it on chill thunder lite . oh , now thats smooth . out of my way , you seat belt wearin cowards . hey . nobody cuts me off . homer , no . revenge never solves anything . then whats america doing in iraq . well , let me tell you a story about a time revenge brought only unhappiness and misery . it happened many years ago in paris . texas . no , france . there was a happy young family . papa , may we have chocolat . papa , may we have petit fours . may we . may we . mais oui . oh , mon cher , i am the luckiest wife in the entire let us kiss with the tongues . i hate that homer jerk with his beautiful wife and loving family , when all i got is this doorway . well , enjoy your sensual tongue play while you can cause ive got a plan to take everything you got . monsieur simpson . youre under arrest for treason . treason . but i love france . the way all our words are either a girl or a guy . oh , thats the best . tell it to le baton . i dont want the kids to see me this way . dont worry . theyre still drunk from school . uh deux trois . listen to this letter he wrote . dear england , how i love your moors and heaths . for you , id do whatever it takes , especially treason . i didnt write that . even if i did love england , id play it cool . wait for it to come to me . i sentence you to life . you moron . im already alive . in prison . im gonna stop now . i shouldnt be here . i was framed . you think you got problems . the man in the iron mask over there is the rightful king of france . hey , wait , did you guys hear that . he just admitted it . guys . oh , man , this place is so unfair . are you going to torture me . we cant tell you . not knowing is the worst torture of all . well , that and the rat helmet . now get some sleep . youve got a a . m . rat helmet . oh , a . m . i swear revenge on meaux . even if it takes me the rest of my life . can you loosen my arms so i can shake my fists . youre the traitor . revenge . okay . thank you . oh , little mouse . you are the only thing that keeps me sane . now i have nothing . perhaps i may be of help . where did you come from . im your cell mate . you never noticed me because frankly , youre extremely self centered . oh , sorry , i wasnt listening . i was checking out my reflection in this yellow water . ho ho , looking good . young man , i have the answer to your problems . i spent years digging this tunnel , but now i cant use it . im simply too old . and decrepit . but you can escape and use this map to retrieve my buried treasure . with it you can have your revenge . oh , the the . but why are you helping me . well , because before my wretched life comes to a close , i want to know that i had one friend . also , because while you slept , i violated you repeatedly . so this map leads to a treasure , huh . i wonder how long this tunnel iiiiiiiis . doh . damn it . hows it going . doh . uh huh . hmm . mon dieu . whoo hoo . ew . silver . oh , a penny . this is my lucky day . frre jacques , frre jacques dormez vous, , oh , i love todays music . frre this , and jacques that . out of sight . the count of monte cristo invites you to a formal gala . oh , the count of monte cristo . can we go . we havent been to any parties since that soirie at the bastille . ah summer nights . when will we meet the count . do you think hell like us . ive heard rumors hes mysterious . madame , you have the shapely , hairless knuckles of a queen . oh . well . monsieur meaux , i would be honored if you would be the first to enjoy the evenings entertainment . here it is the harmless chair of relaxation . i heard about these things . theyre good for doing the wife , right . oh . little do you know that the count of monte cristo is in fact an old acquaintance of yours . ma . i have returned . i dont get it . oh , hold on . its him . monsieur simpson . homer , youre back . oui , . and i have spent the last five years plotting the most exquisite revenge . okay , lesson learned . friends again . crjpes . suzette . homer . yes , my love . you killed my husband . no . papa meaux . papa meaux . you guys liked him . we were together for five years . now whos going to take care of the triplets . but marge , i did it all for you . for me , huh . what took you so long . it takes time to make a revenge machine this awesome . plus , in the middle , i had to take revenge on some of my contractors . you spent so much time plotting your revenge , you lost everything that really mattered . come on , kids . so you see , homer , revenge only leads to misery . werent you listening . i just told you a whole story about revenge . oh right . revenge . im gonna get my revenge , and if i get caught , im pinning it on the baby like the time i shot mr . burns . dad , wait . ive got a story about why revenge is wrong . is it the count of monte cristo . cause i love that story . no . i call it revenge of the geeks . im so sick of those bullies . we got to figure out some way to stop em . perhaps we could tell the principal . tell me what . behold the get back . were gonna beat those bullies with a glove . this is far more than a mere glove . this is the turning point in the eternal battle of brain v . brawn . all it requires is a small amount of coordination . i can handle the glove . i took juggling at camp . good morning , dinguses . what are you doing , touching each others butts . oh , you are so dead youre alive . what is this place . ah , what a pleasant surprise . it seems that now the shoe is on the other revenge . my fun bags . please , have mercy . i always thought you were the coolest dork . stop hitting yourself . stop hitting yourself . stop hitting yourself . why are you hitting yourself . milhouse , thanks to you , the nerds can breathe easy . except the ones with asthma , which is all of them . but still , its great . yup , having a weapon at school has really made things awesome . pardon my birdie . i misjudged the prevailing winds . you embarrassed me in front of lisa . milhouse , whats gotten into you . over the years , a lot of people have hurt me . good thing i kept this list . oh , no , youve already got your revenge . you wouldnt give me chinese cuts in the lunch line . you laughed when i threw up on the glass blowing tour . girls like you better . your parents are married . ay caramba . thats the only line i get in your stupid story .  . there are no small parts , just small actors . this is my first day at this school . i havent done anything to you . you will . this is prevenge . why , look , its milhouse . whats the power glove for . opening the cup on your weirdo pills . willie , clean up this mess . all right . milhouse , dont you see . youre addicted to revenge . youll learn to love it when youre my queen . i see . while it would be an honor to be your queen go on . i feel it would be best if we just stay friends . nobody spares my feelings . i cant do it . i cant hurt you , lisa . you forgot about me cause i had the mumps . that had what i really like in a story an ending . the point , dad , is that when you take revenge , you become just as bad as the person you harm . no , sweetie , the lesson is never put down your weapon . revenge . look at that view . it reminds me of how insignificant we are in the world . yeehaw . this is it . its taken all day . weve missed our flight to hawaii , but finally ill get my revenge . dad , wait . you havent heard my story . you . youre too dumb to tell a story . no , seriously , youre great . lets hear it . oh , geez . my story takes place in a time i call the past . that stunk worse than boiled cabbage . you should feel lucky . not many boys have parents who can afford to take them to the opera every night . parents who are still alive , i might add . hmm , well , this alley looks dangerous . i better turn my ring around . oh , boy . hand over your wallet . you dont frighten me . or my wife . or my shut up . avenge me . in flamboyant , impractical fashion . i want to avenge you , but i dont know how . with my help . grandpa . in my younger days , i was an ace crime fighter . the crimson cockatoo . now lets get you in shape in an old timey way . holy hannah . ive got more muscles than a new england clam bank . now all i need is a superhero name . you can be the crimson cockaboy . hmm . ill keep thinking . help . somebody help . that thief stole all my heralds , tribunes , and herald tribunes . k k . im bart man . thank you , masked vigilante . your overzealous homicide has saved me cents . now , if youre not going to buy anything , please move along . tonight , the springfield i mean gotham underworld is trembling while solid citizens sleep snug as a bug . why . because bart man is knocking down bad guys like howard hughes knocks up young starlets . bad guys like the toker the diddler mr . mole sugar and spice . and poison lenny . no snake tattoo . when will i find the man who murdered my parents . w hen . attention , bart man . this is the serpent , saying fangs a lot for getting rid of the competish . more stuff for me to steal . no villain is safe from me , serpent . but im not a villain . im a transvestite . explain that to your maker . ill take it from here , bart man . no sign of the serpent , chief . everythings work with you . lighten up . that music  its so hypnotic . my bone has a mind of its own . ill be snaking those jewels and venom gonna go . sorry i didnt asp your permission . hope thats cobracetic . hey , jerk , puns are lazy writing . doh . partys over , serpent . no kidding because youre standing in the dip . you . youre the man who killed my parents . i did it . i finally got my revenge . but it didnt bring your parents back . tell me , big boy , was it really worth it . well , i do feel a little better . plus , i got zillions of dollars and no parents to tell me what to do . bart man, , dont you want to join us . dont talk to me when im vibrating . so you see , revenge is great , and theres three ways to talk about it . although two of the ways were kind of the same way , and even the third one might have worked better as a halloween story . thats okay , boy . the two of us got to talking . yeah , turns out we have a lot in common . were both from connecticut . look at all them stars . how many do you think there are . two . what the two . you think there are two well , i never . how could you . why do you think it is that mankind is so inclined towards hating one another . i dont know . lets just lay here till we figure it out . springfield . whats the matter , sweetie . tomorrows multicultural day at school . now what do they want . ive got tgive a presentation about our familys heritage , but ours is so boring . yep . the simpsons have never married , or even shook hands , with anyone interesting . in a world of flavors , were the cup of water they rinse the scoops in . grampa out . aw , grampa . we should take lots of pictures of him while we still can . cameras broken . hey , lis , check it out . with some clever scissor work , i can make the lake land butter indian maiden show me her boobs . clean , dirty . clean , dirty . clean , dirty . bart , stop that . native americans are a proud people with a noble heritage . a noble heritage that anyone can claim . cool . look what snaps doing to pop while crackle watches . my great great was a native american . she was a member of the hitachee tribe . wait . is it wrong for me to appropriate the culture of a long suffering people . ill tell you whats wrong you getting a c on this project and winding up at a third rate college . lisa , the world needs you to go to wellesley . youre right . ill just need to find traditional garb . and so , my proud people were nearly destroyed by the warfare , disease , and greed of the invading europeans . i didnt come here to be insulted . guten tag . today , the hitachees have dwindled to a handful , and our detailed genealogical records were cruelly destroyed by the white man . so , any to research my tribe would be the ultimate insult . splendid , lisa . by far , the best presentation of the day . im still proud of what i am . and you should be . the citys multicultural council has invited one lucky student to perform at city hall . lisa , youll be representing us and the noble hitachee people . oh great . id love to . mm hmm . why did i have to lie about my heritage . by speaking with forked tongue , i am in heap big trouble . and now im thinking in stereotypes . thats even worse . must be the war cry of her tribe . probably . now , get me some coffee . daddy , i got me a c minus on my multicultural project . a c minus, , huh . well , lets celebrate . hey , brandine , empty out the tub . wes makin rum . cant use the tub . im drownin rats in it . still .  . are you drownin em or makin love to em . oh . mr . burns , help me . why . youre not helping me . but , sir , im flaming . my god , willie , that fire is headed right for the tetherball pole . put it out . i cannot . all the extinguiers are gone . then im afraid these wet ones will have to do the job . gah . these are drier than a charles grodin quip . what monster , or pair of monsters , would steal our extinguishers . if this works , ill go faster than any ten year has ever gone . whoa . whoa , . the flames are heading straight for the flammable district . thats where our mom works . my last words are lisa sucks . that boy is a hero . lets get hoisted . bart . bart . bart . young man , to show our gratitude , the city of springfield will grant you one wish . really . hmm . thats it . i want a license . to kill . no . to drive . suit yourself . do you wish to be an organ donor . no way . i dont want my guts touching some sick guy . well , you make a good point oh , yeah . oh , yeah . i agree . oh , this is a bad time for me to have massive organ failure where do you think youre going . oh , i cant believe this day is already here . me taking you for your first driving lesson . hey . that jerk cut us off . pull alongside . eat marshall tucker , idiot . homer . is that you . floor it . so long suckers . the hitachees invented womens lacrosse soft luggage and that thing where youre walking and someones walking towards you and you each try to step aside but you both go the same way and you do it again and again until one of you justots around . they had seven names for that . whoa , you just blew my mind . uh , thank you and good night . yay . shows over . lets go . whats your hurry . well , some of my report um wasnt thoroughly fact checked . my little girls just like cbs news . lisa , it was wonderful . i am such a proud hitachee mother . lisa , hi , my name is john squawking bear . im a reporter for the chippewa bugle . i happen to have todays . you know , uh , i thought i knew all the lost tribes . ive never heard of the hitachee . yes , were among the lostest . uh huh . where were you centered . centered . centered you know where the four states come together . oh , quite well . not there . not even close . in the name of the great turtle , will you answer the question . we were south west of north dakota lahoma . hmm . very good . well , i better get to my office before my boss , screaming editor , gets mad . i kid , but hes a real jerk . hey , guys . see you in a bit . i entered a thousand mile baja road race . hold on there , boy . if you wanna keep using that car , youd better start pullin your weight . this cell phone is so i can call you whenever i need your driving services . i put in my own ringtone . hello , bart . now , listen . i need you to go the gas station . tell them you need to inflate your tires , but actually you inflate these volleyballs . then , throw them over the wall of the prison to create chaos and confusion . h hello . bart . buddy . its your dad . i need a ride . i think im in chinatown . not our chinatown . slow down . youre too close to that car . your hands should be at ten and two , not three and nothing . you know , itd be a real shame if someone started investigating your indian heritage . ill be good . oh , man . what now . boy , i dont want to freak you out , but im calling from inside the trunk . that was me . some very un cool people put me in here . this sucks . i cant do anything fun cause im doing so many stupid errands . shut up , shut up , shut up . ah . its dark in here . oh , i gotta get outta this town for a while . time to put the pedal to the metal . oh , north haverbrook . the very name conjures up romance and intrigue . wow , a mint condition hippie hulk from . tune in , turn on , hulk out . oh , man , this towns got everything . hey , lbj , how many pants you rip today . gonna rock around the clock tonight gonna rock , gonna rock around the clock tonight . any of you ladie like stereo music . i do . you look kinda young . yeah . i have that disease that makes you look like an old man , but they gave me medicine for it and i took too much . thats cool . im darcy . im bart simpson , who the hell are you . oh , right . darcy . bart . this is a matter of life and death . what is the difference between ketchup and catsup . theyre gonna cut my head off kyle , are you sure we should be making out in this abandoned sawmill . lighten up , baby . there hasnt been a murder here in ten years . ten years tonight . its the kid we locked in the cemetery in the first grade . hey , what are you gonna do with that chainsaw , dork . i really like you , bart . that is such a girl thing to say . so , doctor , was it all a dream . bart , lets get married . what .  . why not . weve made out . its not right to make out with somebody if you have no intention of marrying them . i mean , youre not a jerk , right . no , im not , but then its settled . oh , man , i must be the first guy who was ever pressured into marriage . look , darcy , i like you . i really do . its just im only ten years old . wha .  . im really sorry . bart , ive been keeping a secret from you , too . im pregnant im going to be a father .  . what .  . no . you couldnt be the father . we never got close to that . really . we didnt . but we kissed and held hands at the same time . wow , you really are ten . i thought you were just kind of stupid . im ten and stupid . look , if im not the father , then who is . a norwegian exchange student . hes long gone , back to norwegia . i wanted you to marry me so my baby would have a dad . im very religious that way . how religious can you be if youre pregnant . good answer . marrying you was my only hope . when my parents find out , theyre gonna kill me . look , darcy , maybe theres still a way we can get married . how . youre just a kid . maybe i shouldnt be telling you this , but there is a state where the marriage laws are a little looser . utah . utah . home of americas most powerful weirdos . our lives could be so wonderful there . oh , bart . you are an extreme husband and an extreme father . awesome . the people of my tribe lived in harmony with the land . eating mock buffalo steaks made from peaceful turnip roots , uh , they environment uh , dignity corn god im sorry , i cant do this . i made it all . there is no hitachee tribe . i took the name from my microwave . but surely you can forgive a little girl who wait , . although she is not one of our people , this young lady has shown the courage we native americans cherish . and who can blame her for wanting to be one of us . we have a noble heritage and cheekbones to die for . im not native american , either . i just ski a lot . im japanese . well , im an aborigine . im two midgets in a costume . what . not you , fibbing bear .  . you know , my great great grandmother was an indian . i guess i shouldve mentioned that before , huh . yes , you should have . bart , sweetie . i need some strawberries . i bet they sell them in utah . bart , i need some strawberries . right now . were in the middle of the desert . i need strawberries . take my wife please . hey , i finally get that joke . i just found this note in barts room . dear mom and dad , me and my girlfriend darcy have gone to utah to get married . fyi shes pregnant . simpson men get the job done . its a tragedy , a real tragedy . i mean , what kind of tramp gets knocked up before shes even married . i did . i mean in this day and age , when the link between sex and pregnancy has been proven so conclusively in scientific american , where okay , we can trace where the kids are by the charges they made on your card . in colorado , they charged worth of bubble gum . actually , that was me . dingles berries in provo , utah . why would i go to utah . i love booze , caffeine and monogamy . then that must be it . our daughter says shes run off with your son . did she mention she was knocked up . no . oops . sorry for the spoiler . so how many brides will you be marrying today , mr . simpson . just one . what are you , gay . stop the wedding . bart , youre too young to get married . you still make me check the closet for the boogeyman . well , maybe i found someone else to do it for me . someone who will do a more thorough job . i dont care how young he is , he took advantage of a girl five years older than him . utah karate . dad , lay off the bartman . hes not the father . i just wanted to marry him , so you and mom wouldnt be ashamed of me . ashamed . im thrilled because im gonna have a baby , too . we can lie to the neighbors and tell them theyre twins . awesome idea , dad . i guess this is the end for us , bart . thanks for everything . darcy , in years , you might see me walking down the street and youll wonder , is that bart . and ill go and youll know . you know , i thought darcy and i would be like a real married couple . instead we just ended up fighting all the time . yeah , how bout that . you know , for a while , i was kind of looking forward to being a dad . son , one day youre going to be a great father . and someday youll be one , too . thanks , boy . hey , for old times sake , you want to drive me around while i sing public domain songs out the window . you got it . springfield . im documentary filmmaker declan desmond . of springfield schoolchildren . these children ran the gamut of society rich and poor , black and white , hell grow into his looks and forever hideous . my dad was a circus freak , but my mom dont remember which one . i like to think it was a little bit of all of them . every eight years , i revisited those children , creating a cinematic chronicle of their lives . join me , wont you , to see dreams dissolve like a muffin in the rain in growing up springfield . what does the future hold for these children . will he grow up to work in a robot factory . will she be the receptionist for a robot businessman . and will he be a crusader for robo sexual rights . i say , yes , no , and yes . whee . so , lenny , what have we here . my daddy said i can have any birthday party i want . my cake will be a picture of a dinosaur and all the guests will say , why , lenny , thats a fine cake . then , yes , ill say . i decided not to waste any more film on him after that . i wish for world peace . i wish for world war . oh , yeah , that would be cooler . i wish when i grow up , ill be richer than everybody . i will . i will be rich . ill own a football team and a basketball team and ill make them play baseball . but what became of these wide eyed naives . lets begin by following the life of little clancy wiggum . bang bang . bang . freeze , robber , freeze . bang , . it hurts . it hurts so bad . please , just put one in my brain . okay . uh , bang . thank you . as hall monitor , i am the law . no running in the hall . no running in the hall . ah , no running in the hall . hey , detention bird . thanks for not running in the hall . go , wildcats . at clancy wiggum was accepted into the police academy . hmm wiggum . what did i tell you about pointsy towardsies .  . you seem a little cranky , commandant . a back rubll set you right . there we go . woouh oh okay . dont be afraid to dig in there good . hey , whats the matter , buddy . need a backrub . at officer wiggum had found the fast track to becoming chief . oh , yeah , oh , thats the stuff . thanks for giving me an appointment . you are a lifesaver . you know , if i was chief , i could give you every day . i dont have the authority to oh ill make it happen . and here we are in now times . as you can see , ive gotten everything ive ever wanted . except pants that fit . i told you that if i let you in this movie you couldnt make fun of me . im not making fun of you . im making fun of your pants . well , howd you like it if i made fun of your pants . go ahead . well , theyre a little , uh they they, , uh oh , theyre perfect . when i grow up , ill have a giant mansion , my own pinball machine with infinity quarters , eight pairs of peanut butter and jelly pajamas how many wishes do i have left . none . you never had any . im not a genie . doh . homer , your dreams will take a lot of money . dont look at me . look at the camera . got it . i said , look at the camera . no problem . now youre looking at a mud puddle . thats your hand . thats the production accountant . thats your other hand . do you even know what a camera is . well , of cour no . im gonna put this squeaky toy on top of the camera . squeaky . squeaky . squeaky , . squeaky , . unsurprisingly , by age homers dreams of wealth had not come to fruition . manure for sale . get your manure . loamiest in town . hey , the manure dealership is just one of the things i got going . i also have a sweet gig as an infomercial question asker . um , i know super clean cleans , but does it scrub . my garage band is getting so tight . yeah , the album covers gonna be a naked girl with stars for boobs . and i do open casket caricatures . did he have any hobbies . get out of here . but homer had found a peanut of hope in his cracker jack box of despair . homer is so amazing . he can chug a beer and pitch woo at the same time . the light from your eyes could guide a ship at sea . eh . are you two considering children . kids . no way . youll never see a couple of rugrats tying me down . you better not put this shot after the one where i said i wont have kids . that would be a devastating edit . homer , your life is nothing to be ashamed of . youve got a loving family and a steady job at a nuclear power plant . youre not english breakfast , but youre not lapsang soochong either . oh , yeah . check with me in eight years , dr . who . ill be kickin your ass with a solid gold boot . hmm whats changed for me since the last time i saw you . only everything . i cant believe it . homer simpson a bloody millionaire .  . why do you sound so shocked . this is our fifth take . whee . now that im super wealthy, , i can buy them whatever their hearts desire . thats why rich kids turn out so well . mine has a cup holder . bart , thats a blowhole . youre a blowhole . no , boy . up , . well , marge , you must be proud of your homie . oh , yes , im so proud , i feel my chest might burst . can you edit that . i dont want to say chest in a movie . you said it and it stays . but i must know how did homer come so far in eight short years . this pays a lot better than you think . we pay him in limes . thats right , limes . you see , declan , i made my millions with a simple invention the condiment pen . just click the buttons at the top , and you can choose from ketchup , mustard , mayo and relish . do , . i got the idea from the regular pen . can i use it on fish and chips . i dont know . you can put horseradish on your dead mother for all i care . the point is im rich , . i guess theres no way i can embarrass you any further . just look . my dog has his own jacuzzi . he loves it . you win , homer . i guess theres no way i can embarrass you any further . barely literate , smells like feet when i , um , grow up , im gonna be a rocket scientist . to mars . zoom . zoom . ah , bullies approaching . activate cloaking device . professor frink , youve become one of springfields most renowned scientific minds . you discovered and cured frinks disease , created the element frinkonium , and invented the eight month pill . yes , all right . all of that means nothing , sir . ive spent my whole life in the lab and never talked to a girl . thats why i built this time machine . i give you the chrono trike . now , ill go back in time to tell myself to choose a different career , one where ill meet a female woman of the girl u variety . have to get the speed going here . listen to me , little frink . i am here to warn you that was hey , im still going , but hey cool . i want to be a lawyer and a doctor because a woman can do anything . at eleanor had graduated from harvard medical and yale law . your honor , id like to request a continuance so i can go deliver a baby . i love babies . ill allow it . im a little burnt out . so , sometimes dont shoot me i have a glass of wine with buster here . hes a real comfort . i might even get a second cat . ow . ow . ow . ow . nice kitty . i like taking pictures . whee . take my picture . take my picture . aw , crap , my first kiss . you could do a lot worse , my friend . at age marge was the star photographer for her school newspaper . cheerleader flung into next county boy brings enough for everyone typing class tragedy but her interests soon expanded beyond shutterbuggery . the biggest change for me over the last eight years . thats got to be homer . marge , baby . i got a picture of you tattooed on my chest . they had a sale on skulls . at marges photojournalistic dreams were , shall we say , underdeveloped . i need one wallet sized photo for my captains license . coming right up . mind if i turn on a little music . its so danceable . nautical stu loves disco music . and the world welcomed disco stu . i need a full time job to support homer so he has time to work on his rock music , his erotic etchings , his play doh theater and yet look how things turned out . this overnight affluence must have come as a tremendous shock . oh , yes , sir . as shocks go , this ones a real zaparoo . listen , somethings been piquing my curiosity . why is your medicine cabinet full of old man ointments . oh mm hmm . well , yeah , the ointments , um what are you people doing in my summer home . this is eduardo , my pool boy . he thinks hes an angry , rich man . i am an angry , rich man . thats the pool chemicals talking . homer j . simpson , your fabulous millionaire lifestyle is all a lie . oh , father , my pony buttercup can jump ever so high hoo boy, , its mr . burns . please , mr . burns , pretend you work for me . you can have the boy . just dont beat him . you can beat him . just dont leave marks . shut up , you waste of skin and fat . youve desecrated my every possession . oh , thank you , sir . for three days ive had nothing to read but clock setting instructions using the suspension spring above the pendulum leader , hang the pendulum on the pendulum guide mr . burns , were so sorry . the plan was just to use your backyard , and the next thing we know , mr . smithers is tied up in a grandfather clock . please get me out of here . its . ive heard enough . release the hounds . uh , sir , your hounds are still at the winter house . well , bring them over in the durango . shadow and winston have been fighting a lot . put winston in the front . winston doesnt like the front . just do it . do it . do it now . and thats how i got the vending machine contract for the kremlin . sorry , sir . traffic was a nightmare . then i got caught in some kind of garlic festival . release the hounds . stop it , winston . in the wake of this deception , i had two questions for homer why lie . and lies why . but he seemed less than eager to meet . homer , i brought a squeaky . help . i realized that if this bunny was going to be boiled , i would have to turn up the heat . there you are . im ready for my segment . lenny always exciting to hear from you . did you ever try that new shampoo . nope , never did . want to watch me pay my cable bill . i got checks with butterflies on them . i am interesting . no , youre not . what do you want . marge , can you just let me in for a minute . we let you in years ago and its brought us nothing but pain . well , if you want , i can cut you out of the film . no , . lets not get crazy . then i just want to know why your husband did what he did . ill tell you why . its been another eight years and what do i have . same job , same house , same dirty joke book . i just thought for once i could be the cool guy in your movie . but all i am is the guy who makes everyone else look good . strong words from a dumpy man . and cut . wait just a cotton swabbing minute . a good man went to a lot of trouble just to impress you . and i went along with it because i love him to pieces . and you made him look like a fool . well , i dont want you anywhere near my house . now you can cut . whats the matter , declan . did a cop give you a ticket for talking like a fruit . its the oddest thing . i actually feel affection for these knuckle dragging sub monkeys . i feel sorry for homer simpson . what , have you been sipping cuckoo juice . homers got it made . hes married to one hell of a woman . all ive got is this porn channel im too cheap to descramble . thats an ad for shoe inserts . what the .  . ive been writing creepy letters to that . but what you said about homer , its given me a brilliant idea . an action movie where i play the pope who kills the president . no , thats a terrible idea . yeah , i know . its stupid . i think it could work , though . ive even got a title pontiff no return . i came up with it , but i dont really get it . the next day , i invited homer to my editing bay . oh , my god , the view . this makes it all worth it . yeah , its not so much fun when youre blind . at least you made it up the mountain . no thanks to you two . all right , you lured me to your bay . now what sick game are you playing . i have some footage to show you . o , spirit . are you gonna show me my future . my snow flecked grave , mourned by no man . well , its not too late for me to change . you there , boy . buy me a christmas goose . the biggest one in the shop . and then what . homer , come over here and take a look at this . ive gone over hours of springfield footage twice and put together something you must see . if i could trade lives with anybody , id pick homer . have you been to homers house . its got a back yard , a front yard the place is like yard city . i love his laugh . he picked the perfect time to lock in his mortgage . hes the kindest , sweetest , most generous man ever to drive through my living room . ill pay for most of this . he may not be perfect , but hes my dad . homer gave me a kidney . it wasnt his , i didnt need it , and it came postage due , but still , a lovely gesture . i like when daddys out of work cause he can spend more time with me . at bedtime , he tucks me in tighter than anyone else could . and you know what . no monsters have gotten me yet . wow i have a pretty good life after all . homer . dont kill the foreign man . relax , marge . i wasnt gonna kill him . all those years i was dreaming of other things , i was actually doing what i really wanted hanging out with my family , drinking with my friends , making friends with my family and hanging with my drinking . marge , youre my real dream come true . and i get to live you every day . oh , homie . you make each eight year interval better than the last . springfield . its amazing how they always solve the crime just before they run out of pages . marge . james patterson . come with me , marge . help me think of new nursery rhyme themed titles for my thrillers . oh , how about little bo peep . thats great . a clue could be her sheep . marge , the real mystery is why were just talking when i could be kissing your i overslept . the family cant start the day without me . relax , baby . while you were dreaming of me and calling me james , i took care of everything . oh , homie , you woke up early . eh , stumbled home at dawn , same diff . now , dont worry . i packed everyones lunches and sent them off into the world . what kind of lunch is this . a drawing of a sandwich . ive got grampas medication . abe , pull over . youre not the driver . shut up , pizzas . ive gotta deliver you . oh no lunch for me . unless i scare one up . hey , guys , remember to stick together . today is the anniversary of the dark stanley murders . tell us all you know . all right , imagine im holding a flashlight under my face . years ago , stanley degroot was a cook here at the school . all the kids made fun of him because he never graduated from college . stanley , no degree . two credits short at mit . one day , stanley picked up a cleaver and put a new entre on the menu . a delectable little dish called kids head soup . needs more girl . what happened to dark stanley . they hanged him for murder and buried him in an unmarked grave . when they came back the next day , the whole cemetery was missing . try not to think about it . they say dark stanley makes your skull into a toilet and wee wees into it . and just when you think hes done , dark stanley takes your skin and makes footy pajamas . nobody pajamanates my skin . this is the very spot where dark stanley comes to harvest heads for his soup of sorrow . why arent you a scareded . oh , dark stanley would never dare attack a crowded , well lit dark stanleys here . whoa . murther . well , seymour , i certainly appreciate you letting me store my collection of antique cologne bottles in your office while they recarpet my condo . its quite a collection and , i assume , irreplaceable . you assume correctly . seymour , gary . simpson , i know youre behind this . well , you are going to get some counseling from our school psychologist . dark stanleys going to eat my brains . or from a qualified professional . but first willie , get those kids back . ill bring those wee ones back dead or alive . not dead . ah , ya never let willie be willie . zimmerman , zorx , and zzyzwiski . now back to class , all of you . all right , you heard him . back to class . but we dont go to school . but you do live in the district . thats right . we home school em . i teach the big ones and the big ones teach the little ones , but no one ever taught me , which makes the whole thing just an exercise in futility . uh huh . skinner , what is going on here . sir , if we let these hill folk into our school , our test scores would drop so low , wed lose all federal funding . i see and weve already lost state , county , and local funding . plus our last bake sale was a disaster . people took bites without buying the cookies . yes , were not very good at anything . excuse me . lisa simpson , with the school paper . am i to understand youre purposely denying education to these children . thats a total mis well , i wouldnt , uh i mean , that is to say , uh you know you see , the thing is i warn you , young lady , we can fumfur all day . we , um , its not that we , um you see , what , uh i just , we dont , um youre not , uh , grasping were not really , um the , you havent heard the last of this . well , i think weve heard the last of this . no , you havent . were going to have to give this some thought . lets sing while we think . itll make it more fun for everyone . how do we gag a blabbermouth like lisa . how do we crush her first amendment rights . how do we stop her writing up what she saw . would she shut her trap for a gift card from the gap . she might oh , how do we stop a royal pain like lisa . how do we make miss righteous less uptight . you have a lovely voice , sir . why do you have to make everything weird . manque quelque chose asked to see me . lisa , would you consider tutoring cletus children . youll be happy , theyll be happy , and i can go home and enjoy some delicious fondue . made with the fondue set i bought you for christmas . no . so what do you say , lisa . me . a tutor . the hillbilly tykes will become by tutees . whoa . ah . oh . hey , kids . the plow done birthed a girl critter . younguns , this here girl is come from fairyland to school yall . now , if you need me , ill be on the porch drinkin thomsens water seal . my names lisa . what are your names . witney . jitney . dubya . incest . crystal meth . international harvester . birthday . are we gonna do this much work every day . why do i have to go to a stupid psychiatrist . i told a scary story . big deal . look , boy , nobody knows better than me that youre a lost cause . but the schools paying for five sessions and theres a chinese restaurant next door where i can get drunk . get ready , sheila . this guy likes the act . mr . simpson . you good man . we happy see you . you not come long time . come sit , drinky drinky . wheres margie . she super lady . bart , my name is dr . swanson . stop right there , doc . this school has sent me to more therapists than youve had bad dates . ive looked at the ink blots . ive played with the puppets . the whole rackets a hatful of crap . i see . well i get paid whether you make progress or not . why dont we just kill the time playing videogames . yeah , right . i bet youve got a bunch of learning games . why dont you go online and look for a boyfriend while i take a nap . actually , i just got death kill city ii death kill stories . whoa . youve got dkc dks . that ones rated bad for everyone . you have destroyed all human life on earth . level complete . yes . and thats how a presidential veto gets overridden . any questions . how is any of this gonna put dog meat on my plate . hmm . maybe the best way to begin your education is to get you some exposure to the wider world . so , im gonna take you to downtown springfield . we gotta get permission from daddy . its all right with me . and , lastly i need a noun . booger . read it back . read it back . the county fair is always sucky to visit on a hot summer fart . you can eat delicious cotton hate , and ride the ferris burp and the merry go booger . you cant make that stuff up . what does this tell you , bart . that this is one terrible county fair . and . and my dad never takes me on the merry go . hes always passed out in the parking snot . hes lying . you drink too many scorpion bowl . you go sleepy sleepy now . did , uh , did you get his wallet . every president has a word balloon that says i am gay . these colorful bums is funny . and guess what . ben and ken , the street magic men , are only the beginning . the city is a treasure trove of culture , and multiculture . mistos and lattes and grandes and ventis browsing at bookstores with fat cognoscentis books about dali , degas and miro those are the folks that you yokels should know pretentious laughs at bunuel retrospectives outsider art made by mental defectives enjoying opry that aint grand or ole comparing jim carrey to dario fo . your minds are opening . take it home . eating tapas freestyle rap artists mrs . skinner is mame we finally experienced cultural things and now they dont seem so lame . what a number . you kids got talent . and i should know . i used to have it . hey . youre one of those funny people with a big crazy nose . a clown . no , a joker . thats right . and im not a practicing joker , so im not that offended . well its nice to see you again , krusty , but these kids have field trip journals to write . yeah , right . whos your agent . whats an agent . ka ching . finally , i get a chance to use these gag contact lenses . and then i had this dream that my whole family was just cartoon characters , and that our success had led to some crazy propaganda network called fox news . bart , i think youre making a lot of progress , but our time is up . see ya next wednesday . actually , this was our last session . huh . but we were doing such good work . oh , bart , i truly enjoyed our time together , but the school only paid for five sessions . i think i just got dumped . he used to rob me two , three times a week . now , im lucky if i get it once a month . he never initiates it . i have to do all the work . he just stands there . now , dont talk through him talk to him . apu , sometimes when i rob you , its like youre not even there . that is because youre robbing my brother sanjay . dude , i didnt know . oh , just shut up . thats right . i want to hire your entire appalachian dumpling gang , and ill pay them the most anyone on tv is entitled to get scale . now i dont sign nothin without pretendin to read it first . hamburger , . looks good . mr . spuckler , wait . is this really good for your kids . teeny , get her out of here . okay kids , lets cut some promos for the affiliates . youre watching krusty the clown on wppz in vero beach , florida , home of the accucurl surf report . wrong . wrong . wrong . hey , kids . have i got a treat for you . put your hands together for the sharecropper showstoppers , the smashing bumpkins , the spuckler family singers . i have eight teeth going on seven teeth i have a curvy spine we live on landfill and feast on roadkill while we all drink moonshine . youre better than us . look at those dumb hillbillies . ill bet they dont even know what something is . dad , those kids arent dumb . this show just perpetuates the stereotype that all yokels are hicks . look at those morons . they sing because theyre stupid . kids , its finally happening . your own prime time special . the songs will be written by broadways greatest composer this guy . whats your name again , fuzz face . stephen sondheim . i know you hear this all the time , but i think youre great . and im sure you hear this all the time you cost an arm and a leg , so lets get to work . heres the opening number . hmm , complex harmonies , intricate lyrics , pithy observations on modern life . what is this junk .  . wheres the zazz . just do what you did in cats . i didnt write cats . you didnt .  . oh , no . all right , ill try and save this . tell you what . just give me a peppy vamp . okay . and i can counterpoint it with no counterpoint . vamp . peppy . hey . this peppy stuff isnt bad . maybe i will right that jingle for buzz cola . president or ayatollah everyone loves new buzz cola with lemon . krusty , the spuckler kids missed their reading class today . yeah . well , take it up with their manager . cletus , i think youre spending too much of the kids earnings on yourself . thats a lie . i aint spent their money on naught but necessities . sir , your solid gold hound dog is here . uh how do we get the real dog out . do you think im telling people not to have a cow because deep down i want them to have a cow . i saw you yesterday in the dining room , and i didnt know if i should say hi or not . how can i help you . dr . swanson , im barts mother . ive been saving this money for my husbands breast reduction surgery , but i think this is more important . would you please see bart again . of course . send him in . bart , honey , this is all we can afford for now . if it doesnt work , maybe when youre an adult , you can pay some lady to make you happy for an hour . you know , im pretty sure i will . and i wasnt planned , so when i came , my parents had to get married . and they were too young , and not ready for a kid to screw up their lives . maybe i act out because if my parents are mad at me , they cant fight with each other . springfield . look out for the stairs . whoa . oh . you redid the basement . whoa feel the pile on this shag . whoa , baby . will you look at that paneling . i feel like im back in wooden times . check out this pinball machine . chevy chase in foul play . pinball , eh . ive always wanted to try this . wow , the graphics are amazing . that ball almost seems real . this basement is a wonderful gift to the family . but how could you afford it . marge , were not going to have to worry about money ever again , because ive got a plan . id like to declare bankruptcy , please . mr . simpson , do you understand how bankruptcy works . yes i do . under chapter of the fiscal code , an individual whose debts exceed his assets may file for bankruptcy , thus protecting said assets . that was the old bankruptcy law . huh . under the new law , you have to pay your creditors everything . what the . but i thought bankruptcy was the cool law . the one that says dude , dont worry about it . i got this . mr . simpson , im afraid this court must appoint a financial officer to supervise repayment of your debts . hmm permission to moan . ill allow it . mr . simpson , among the expenses the court deems frivolous , you throw over a month into local wishing wells . of course , you idiot , cause im wishing for more money . hm hmm . well , youre gonna have to make some serious cutbacks to your expenses . three subscriptions to vanity fair . ive got three bathrooms , dont i . a month to totalpoker . com . shut up . its an instructional website . shut up . give it here , ill find some fat we can trim . ah , here you go a giant useless expense for something that no one is interested in . i dont want to leave . you promised me i could die here . no , . this place is too expensive . i saw you doing a jigsaw puzzle in there . come on , dad , im cutting back everywhere . to save gas , im flintstone ing the car . so very scram , you two . this is my bedroom now . no way , this is our rec room . not anymore . i already put my posters up . keep cool with coolidge lilian gish in broken blossoms a . s . s . american shipping services not affiliated with the human ass hey , mr . flanderswhatd , you get . some kind of bible garbage . oh , i wish . no , these are complimentary boxes from the shipping company . could a kid like me get these boxes , then use them for whatever he wanted . only if he fibbed about his name , age , and occupation on this automated number . why dont you put this box by your phone so you dont call the number by accident . oh , i wont . nothing like un tossing a leftover salad . itll be like new . whoa . what the heck are these . those are my medical samples . hands off , you big blue buttinski . blood , bile , spinal fluid , blood , other , phlegm , miscellaneous ooze grampas driving me crazy . why are you telling me . hes your father in . can we at least get out of the house for an evening . sure , but i think youre exaggerating the problem . im scared . can i sleep across you . no . what are you doing here , patty or selma . i invited selma here to watch grandpa watch the kids . for some reasonshe , doesnt trust him . maybe its the bang up job he did raising you . he was a great dad . every year he got so mad when santa didnt bring me presents . um lemon candy . no thanks . i brought my own . i know what youre wondering . how come a single woman with so much to offer is alone on a saturday night . i assumed you were resting up for bingo tomorrow , like me . my numbers dont get called much these days . youre kidding . a sweet young thing like you . wow , thats the first time anyones ever put an adjective before calling me a thing . you know , i was voted best kisser in my p . o . w . camp . hmm well , if he dies in my arms , i could meet a cute paramedic . all right , lips , man your kissing stations . this is not a drill . well , here we are home early . yeah , and the great prices at that new rib joint were the surprise of the evening . ah . a bear is eating my father . im selma . ah . a talking bear is eating my father . you know what you were kissing . do you . do you . yeah , i know who i was kissing , and i also know why . im a little shaky on when and where , but i got my theories . well , i never , ever want to see that again . ah , the hell with you . i just might ask that selma girl out , and you cant tell me not to . my roof , my rules . oh , why did i borrow that roof from him . so exactly what company am i giving these free boxes to . uh the name of the company is uh huh . are you run by dogs or for dogs . actually , dont answer . i like not knowing . now we just have to figure out what to do with these boxes . as alwaysi , have some ideas . hmm build a fart . i love it . fort . thats build a fort . that might work , too . im glad you called . this is really going to drive homer crazy . well , actually , the real reason i asked you out is because im well , im a little sweet on you . oh , listen , abethe , other night was fun , but ah , phooey on buts . at my ageand , with your drawbacks , we cant afford to miss an opportunity . why dont we just spend some time together and see where that takes us . yeah , what the hell . want to split a basket of garlic bread . slow down , you hussy . is she really going out with him . is she really gonna take him home tonight . is she really going out with him . is she really gonna take him home tonight . is she really going out with him . cause if my eyes dont deceive me theres something going wrong around here . oh , look at grampa and selma frolicking in the water . its not right . its like an old sea turtle dating a suitcase that fell out of a plane . be nice , homer . dont you see how great it is that they found each other . like how the parts of a pig nobody wants combine to make a yummy hot dog . oh , now youre dragging hot dogs into this . real classy , marge . real classy . hey , homer , that garbage barge is complaining about your smell . we wrote that joke in the water . it wasnt all frolicking . how could my dad go out with selma . dont those two gargoyles know that love is for good looking young people . well , gee , homer , you , uh , aint exactly open casket material yourself . words hurt , you know . they do . stupid selma and grampa . how dare they find happiness . psst . over here . its me . patty . oh , great . who are youin love with . bart . look , if you want to break up your father and selma , i have a plan . but it involves you . okay , but im notgood at details . or the big picture . i also show up late . and drunk . ive got a goodfeeling about this . lower the drawbridge . whats the password . i love my sister . hey , you little brats . get down from those battlements . those boxes arefor shipping , not for creating a world of pure imagination . give them back . not till were bored with them . now , begone . i shall go , but i will return with an army of my brethren and together we shall take back what is ours and hell will raindown up on you . what if were not here . we will come two more times , and then youll have to come to our customer center . its near the airport , where the old crownbooks used to be . hello , homer . selma . relax , its just me , patty . patty . do you have your disguise . hola , i am estebande la sexface . that means stephen of the sexface . okay , now lets prepare our mental images so we can kiss each other without barfing . whoa oa . mm . yes . oh , baby . what the . selma , how could you .  . sorry , abe , were through . i thought we really had something . what the hell is going on here . dos selmas . ay yi . homer . why would you try to break us up . i guess i always dreamed that my father would grow old alone . well , nerts to both of ya . our love is so strong not even a thousand crazy schemes could tear it apart . a thousand , eh . i love this woman and im gonna make sure shes in my life forever . im patty . nice to meet you . selma , will you marry me . abe i uh yes . homer , say hello to your new ma . no . dad , dont throw rice , it makes the birds swell up . oh , lisa , thats one of those rumors you get off the internet . hey , selma , want some rice . pick a lane , freaks . nothing solves everything for ever like a wedding . springfield . i dont have to make a wish , because i already have this wonderful family . i wish for infinity hamburgers . huh . oh , i get it . these are those trick candles you cant blow out . no , dad , theyre the opposite . e z blo . this ends now . its okay , homie . youre probably just tired from not doing anything all day . uh huh . uh huh . dad , youre out of shape even for an american . ill just focus on one area . how many did i get . none . thats cool . you know how many fires are started by birthday candles . if you do , tell me . it would settle a bet down at the station house . i say five , gus says a million . this disasterette was a real wake up call . we need to find a way to protect our irreplaceables . you could buy a fireproof safe . or we could just resolve to be more careful with our open flames . sir , weve been here six times this month . yeah , but , um , one of thosei , dialed by mistake , but i was too embarrassed to admit it , so i set the house on fire . feels good to tell the truth . no , im lying againit , feels bad . okay . everyone gets to put one precious item in our fireproof safe . for meits , the family photo album . aw . our kids used to be so cute . used to .  . oh , deal with it . its so hard to choose just one item worthy of the safe . so i made this elaborate decision tree , which in itself is worthy of preservation . tick tock , sweetie . i picked my malibu stacyhybrid convertible . it runs on her old make up and out of shoes . im going withthe cologne i wore on our first date . oh . im putting in my catch a rising krusty doll . where do the kids today get these band names . the kinks . the stones . sounds like my last physical . references . no . wait . dont now we have nothing to worry about in the event of a fire except our lives . you see all those crazy new electronics . ipod itunes i give up . whats that coming out of the safe . i dont know  maybe the krusty doll accidentally turned on the cars headlight , which focused on the cologne bottle , causing it to boiland , soon explode . dad , thats ridiculous . whats the deal with this california pizza . if i wanted cheese and fruit , id have to no . its gone . that family album was a record of my accomplishments . its like what a resume is for a man . i agree , momits , very sad . but well have to move on . its not like we can restage all our family photos . restage the photos . lisa , you fool . youve doomed us all . no . okay , were recreating our series finale party for star trek voyager . oh , man , i thought i was strong enough to get through this againbut , im not . oh , captain janeway . your mission ended too soon . too soon . our new photos are back . oh . thats why i got duplicates . restaged precious memories . aw . theres my first saxophone recital . bart looks so cute as a mighty oak in the school play . here i am on the space shuttleorbiting , earth . it sure was nice of nasa to send you up again . oh , my god . check out whats happening behind your restaged anniversary dinner . duffmans on a datewith booberella . hes supposed to be in a stable , long term gay relationship . hmm . this is a celebrity scandal . we could sell that photo to a tabloid . and they pay big money for photos . marge , this isnt like you . well , its just about what we need to pay for our fire damage . spooky . this is good , real good . like lindsay lohan looking drunk , high and bony . click , career oversee , ya in the gutter , freckles . homer , ill pay you bucks . bring me more snaps like this , and ill make you a moderately wealthy man . moderately wealthy . whee . im sort of rich . i can rent anything i want . thats quite an offer . can i discuss it with my wife . sure , why not . then ill do it . the krusty movie . premiering tonight . oh , boy . i cant wait to see krusty . look , theres his chauffeur driven town car . your head dinged my door panel . jerks like you ought to be shot . krusty . how about a nice shot of you with the boy you injured . paparazzi .  . get lostya , parasite . how about you , gabbo . ay yi . okay , how about an autograph for my kids . well , when you put it that way ay yi yi yi . okay , boy , this is that snooty supermarket all the celebrities shop at . youre gonna helpme ambush them . look at this place . imported beer . seedless grapes . chewing gum . the clown on this cereal box is just a person . theres the rich texan and his daughterparis , texan . come on , baby , barf for mama . okay , boydo , something annoying , but leave yourself room to build . hey , parisi , saw a disgusting part of your body on the internet  your face . im still breaking in this nose . springfield dry cleaners . look at those celebrities . ive met them all , and yet they dont even acknowledge my existence . hello , homer . have you lost weight . oh , like you carebetty , white . tell mehows , maggie . her name is marge . i was talking about your baby . oh . uh , shes looking very snappy . thanks for taking my picture . if you want me to sign it , heres a stampedself addressed , envelope . and give santas little helper a big hug for me . yeah , thats rightjust , walk away . beautiful day , isnt it , freddie . god bless you and yours . dad , its drederick tatum . try to get him to punch you . no problem . hey , drederick . yes , how can i help you , my handsome friend . your hip hop cd was boastful and unnecessary . okay , here we go . thats what i think of the forth estate . what are the first three . nobility , clergy and commoners . learn your french history . okay . terrific . outstanding . this has page one written all over it . what the hell did you do that for . i wanted to remember my place in the book i was reading . boy , i never thought id have my own darkroom . yes , but why does it have to be in my bedroom . lis , you cant stay here if youre gonna keep talking . its at night , and i cant get to sleep . well , then you could come over here and help daddy pour chemicals . okay . kids they always say theyre not tired when theyre the most tired of all . that photos mine . that photos mine . that photos mine . well , i do like the extra money . but i think maybe you should stop exploiting human beings private misfortunes . see , marge everyone says they hate these magazines , but its impossible to set them down . oh , it is not . watch me . sideshow mel is in a custody battle .  . and its turning bitter . if you read one more thing , it is a purchase . experts disagree on location of heaven . purchase . okay , this is the place . did i attach the harness .  . no . should attach it for you .  . if you dont mind . thank you . now to make a young womans wedding day all about me . do you , rainier luftwaffe wolfcastle , take maria shriver kennedy to be your lawful wedded up , upand , annoy . yes . i also wreck bar mitzvahs . is that horrible man gone yet . yes , mother , barring some sort of pendulum effect . first amendment rules , privacy drools . time to squash that shutterbug . you promised me one day where you wouldnt swear revenge on someone . promise revoked . greetings , famous faces and sizzling stars . thank you for responding to my e vite . krusty , your response was the least funny . im a visual comedian . did you get the j peg . wouldnt open . oh . i wish to discuss our mutual enemy , homer simpson . now , do not worry . in my film a future droid in king arthurs court , i learned that it takes a robo knight to defeat a robo knight . and to defeat a paparazzo , it takes this man . let me introduce the worlds greatest celebrity shutterbug enrico irritazio . buono giorno . how are you gonna help us , beefaroni . allow me to explain . i take embarrassing pictures of homer , harass him day and night . justice will be served , and i will be a god in your eyes . see . it is good . i declare this meeting adjourned . now please , take some sushi , cause if i give it to the dogs , they will think , oh , now i get sushi all the time . and i am not made of sushi . now , maggie , i had to use your car seat to hold the new tv guide so im gonna hang you from the mirror . smile . hes trying to make me look like a bad father . maggie , take the wheel . ten and two , einstein . cant i even have privacy here .  . scandalous . repugnant . ausgezeichnet . i shall make this photo into my screensaver . somehow . how could you publish this . i thought we were friends . i have no friends . friends take time . and time is money , and money pays for things , like a manicure and a boiled egg . get me one of each , but not boiled , poached . ah , what the hell its friday , scrambled . sometimes i wish i had a twin . not that much , though . wed just fight . and then he said he didnt want a twin because theyd just fight . sweetie , maybe its time you retired from paparazzying . its never fun to get a taste of your own medicine . youre right . im giving up photography and my own medicine . so long , anti clotting agent . clot , . with homer simpson out of the way , we can go back to our lives of sybaritic excess . stem cell fajita . leave the tray . listen to em . theyre on top of the world while im sittin here pretending i have a stool . all because of a bunch of stuff that happened . homer , dont be so quick to abandon this paparazzo thing . yeah , its an american tradition to cut people down to size because theyve brought so much joy into our lives . you know who i cant stand . that robin williams . you know , one time i saw him eating dinner with his children . he wouldnt take the time out to do all the funny bits from his movies . and my sister once saw burt reynolds at an airport , and he wouldnt even cosign her mortgage . you guys are right i should get back in the game . oh . but i threw away my camera . oh , here , use this one . i was gonna use it to take secret photos in the ladies toilet , but , uh , no dames ever come in this joint . thanks , moe . sure . excuse me , do you have a ladies room . we need to trade bras and panties . oh , you got to be kidding me . you call this a drink . no , i never called it a drink . how do you want your comeuppance eight by ten or wallet size . celebrities , hide your shame . what are you going to do with those photos . nothing . providing you celebrities do something for me . i want you all to show some respect for the people who made you what you are . sign an autograph or two . support a charity for something that hasnt happened to a member of your family . let one of us regular guys write a terrible childrens book . we will take the deal . as a sign of good faith , i invite you and your family to a barbecue on my offshore party platform . it is good doing real things with real people . say , rainier , youre in show business . would you mind taking a look at this screenplay i wrote . oh , sorry . i do not read unsolicited manuscripts . well , at least it got made . springfield . thank you , willie . now , please return it to its plastic snap case . moving on  our class trip to italy is now spaghetti night at papa johns , and your deposits will not be refunded . oh , papa johns . we will conclude by passing around a sheet on which i would like everyones e mail address . whats wrong . i cant fill out that clipboard . i dont have e mail . oh , marge , you got to get on the net . its got all the best conspiracy theories . did you know that hezbollah owns little dolly snack cakes . this stuff will rock your world . fine , ill log onto wahoo or yippy or a o or pooka dooka, , whatever its called . can we move this meeting along . i pay my taxes , i expect my orange drink . ambrosia . and this web site will tell you the weather . sunny . i never have to look out the window again . lets go surfing now , everybodys learning how come on and safari with me paper towels for cents . kids , get in the car . were going to pennsylvania . oh . wow . and all this time , i thought googling yourself meant the other thing . your house from space its our house . but whats that thing . everyone can see you . get inside . never . just put on a towel . why dont i just put on a dress . homer , youve met my parents . not naked , i havent . that internet has it all . today , i found i had the same birthday as randy quaid , i mapquested a great new route to the armory , and i got a list of local houses where im not letting you kids trick or treat anymore . im proud of you , mom . youre like christopher columbus . you discovered something millions of people knew about before you . mailbox welcome marge you have no new messages . i sent everyone i know an e card for st . patricks day , but not one person wrote me back . hmm . maybe if i hit refresh . still nothing . but maybe now . or now . the only thing that changes is the banner ad . oh . earthland realms . earthland realms is a multiplayer online role playing game . do you agree to the following terms and conditions . for amusement only . credit card information may be sold to korean gangsters . just click agree . step one , create your character . lets see . what kind of goofy goobly should i be . whoa . look at those bazooms . who designed this character . probably a man . hmm . i can make her look any way i want . lets see . hair blue . shoes sensible . body type olive oyl . face other . thats better . now , lets role play . wow , its like a renaissance fair , but without all the chubby couples . this is really annoying . youre telling me . greetings , cleric . will you undertake a quest on my behalf . eh , maybe i should run this by my husband first . things are more fun if you just answer yes . then , yes . hither me forth on mine arduous quest . once againjust , yes . yes . first , you must find the armandahl of nuxinor . all i see is that rock . you have found it . oh . okay , activate my level seven power stones . wield the orb of oblivion . and zap . hmm , needs more goat soul . mom .  . what are you kids doing up so late . we just got up . its a . m . i was on the computer all night . actually , its saturday . i played a day and a night . bart , its not saturday . shh . i should get some sleep . i better check on my elf self . thank you . come again . apu . mrs . homer . how nice to see you in the realms . how did you get in my game . are you a virus . oh , no . i , too , am online playing . that cobra king over there is actually snake . the prison guards think im getting my online law degree . ha , . and that beguiling enchantress is mrs . krabappel . this game is a great way to meet eligible men who can afford a computer . or have access to one at the school library . its amazing how you can be a turkey in every reality . whats important is were talking . im moe . im playing this while im on the can . wow , moe . youre a troll . what . no . my characters supposed to look like me . why does everyone keep thinking im a troll .  . who are we hiding from . the shadow knight . where he rides , death is sure to follow . the shadow knight . hes the most evildestructive , player in this game . he once beat me to death with my own life bar . mmm . who dares battle with the shadow knight . oh he was a good man . a good , moist man . eww . i cant watch this . another senseless killing by the shadow knight . hmm . my son is an evil knight . the most successful evil knight in all the earthland realms . not bad . aye carumba , what a day . brave sir knight . what is it , lady milhouse . im not a lady , its a spell , a spell you said youd reverse . yeah , its on my list . anyway , someones here to see you . hi , bart . its your mom . im in your videogame with you . what . why milhouse , dont you look pretty . its a spell . and thank you . mom , what are you doing in my game .  . how would you like it if i suddenly started going shopping with you . id like that very much . uh , wh what can i get yamr , . shadow knight , sir . a grog . grog light . uh , diet grog with lemon . just wring the blood from this pixie head . yes , sir . hi , everybody . how do you play this game . ow . haaaaaaa . ooohh .  . now flog yourself with this mace while reciting the goblins code . goblins codeyes , sir . all goblins must be free of visible worms . ooh . in the presence of a lady , a goblin must remove his hat and ears . bart , are you drinking . mom . youre making me look bad in front of my minions . if they think less of you because of me , then theyre not really your minions . im going off to explore the crevices of lagrimmar . great , ill come with you . shouldnt you bundle up . here , let me enchant your pants . hey , lisa , self conscious about your shins . in my day , girls were worried about their boobs . dad , im going to play soccer . i fell in love with the game when i saw bend it like beckham . father , i am proud of my cultural heritage , but i also love soccer . you tell him , jesminder . i forbid you to bend it like beckham . plus , you must marry this complete stranger . his father is an important business acquaintance of mine . love counts for nothing . you tell her , mr . dhanabhai . business contacts are more important than love . wait , thats soccer . i always called it human foosball . would you like me to take you to your game . you already promised you would . aw , do i have to . okay , morty , ill tell them . sorry , ladies . we got no referee , so the games been canceled . im sorry . im sure youre very disappointed . what happened to the ref . he quit . being a ref is athankless job the parents hate ya the only upside is the kids share their snack with you . did someone say snack . ill be your ref . dad , whered you get that outfit . i got fired from foot locker . kicks just keep getting harder to find whats the matter , buddy . the american flag not good enough for ya . that was my father . im your father now . im open . im open . no , but not with kicks you just need help , girl so tired . could someone bring me another barf cone . so i thought it went real well . until i swallowed the whistle . you dont evenknow the rules . this cld be my new thing , and youre turning it into a joke . hilarious joke . sadly , no . im disappointed with the way you acted today but im not surprised . oh , lets see . should i take the trail of death , or the path of doom . maybe i should just go back . is this wall street journal online . well , looks like somethings finally about to happen in this game . just in time . i was about to go to the pottery barn site to get design ideas . its the shadow knight . run . i forget how to do that . control shift thank you , bart . this frame grabs going on my coffee cup . you guys wanna meet at the kwik e . im in the tub right now . im in denmark . hand ball . direct kick . dad , im impressed . youve become a much better referee . thanks , honey . after what you said to me , i watched hours and hours of soccer . i almost saw a goal . but there were so many ads for spanish cell phones . do it , sweetie . save our troubled marriage . foul on . thats crazy . your daughter just tripped on her own clumsy feet . come on , lisa . admit it . im a spectator addressing a player  answer me . i said foul on . you are so blind , even jesus couldnt heal you . helen , please . dont drop the j bomb . well , im throwing you both out of the game . she tripped me . foul on the other girl . lisa gets apenalty kick , and every other kid has to pay her a dollar . that is an outrage . your daughters been floppin all day . she has not . your daughters rty player . sir , i have sired adum dum, , a mush head, , a whats it, , a dog boy , and somethin with a human face and fish body , what we called kevin , but my younguns is not dirty players . i dont need a soccer lecture from a hillbilly . thats hill william to you , sir . how about a lecture from me , ronaldo . ronaldo .  . winner of two world cups and three fifa player of the year awards . yes , i what you said . now i travel the world exposiloppers , and your daughter is a flopper . now , ronaldo away . you heard geraldo . whats it gonna be . yellow card . you cant give me a yellow card . youre my father . when i put on these shorts , im not your father anymore , and judging by how tight they are , im never going to be anyone elses , either . this is what i think of your yellow card . unsportsman like conduct . thats a red card . youre out of the game . but oh . another family broken up by ronaldo . yes . what a fun quest . arent you glad i made you take that na thedle . yeah , . let me just put this holy grail in my trophy room . whoa . wheres al stuff .  . i thought all the swords and severed heads were kind of gory , so i redecorated using the hello kitty expansion pack . no . mom . mom .  . i was killed by my own son . how could you kill your own mother . it was just a game . a game i used to enjoy before you mommed all oit . lisa , sweetie , i was just following the rules . great . the one time you actually do something right , you ruin my life . i thinkil l go to bed . its in the afternoon . who cares . im dead . ju nys . those damesare cheesed . son , ill never understand women if i live to be . big if . enjoy me while i last . want to go slam a few beers . if you watch me . you know it . whats the matter , homer and bart . lisas mad at me , and marge is am . well , im juthe bartender here , but it seems to me , you could win lisa back by appealing to hersense of reason , and you could win your mom back by appealing to her feelings . he , moe , you give good advice . yeah . what have you done of the real moe . lisa honey , i brought you something a dvd . not interested . a documentary . by the bbc . in coorporation with canal . give me . give me . brighton , england , . manchester united plays sussexton hamptonshire when a deadly riot breaks out in the stands . oi , your boys a flopper he is . no he isnt . he isnt . your mother can kiss me bum . this riot is still going on . last year in brazil , an on field scuffle turned so violent , locals say a statue of the virgin mary came alive and beat the holy snot out of everyone . mom , im going to give you life the way i imagineyou gave me life  by pressing alt f repeatedly . bart , you brought me back to life . as best you could . sweetie , are you here to forgive me . no . oh . but to get that dvd , i had to become a pbs subscriber . now im paying for crap like american masters . dad , i cant forgive you , because theres nothing to forgive . you were right to kick me out of that game . soccer was making me insane , just as it did the continents of europe and south america . those places are pretty terrible . so from now on , ill play soccer for the same reason i study chemistry  for fun . do you want to play a little . i sure do . wait till i tell the other moms you gave two thirds of your lifeforce to save me . what a good boy . this way . slay him and take his experience points . wait . stop . if you kill me , ill egg your houses in real life . its still worth it . i live in a loft . my jewels . all righ t . i gothis flame sword . aw , come on . the shadow knights hall rule no more weve spilt his blood upon the floor with a hi and a ho and a trolly lolly lay its the jolly merrymonth of may . dont worry , honey . ill hunt down our friends who murdered you one by one . whatever . im gonna go play outside . look what i can do . i have taught you well . too well . mom , are you sure you dont want to play . no , . im fine . why am i paying . a month for this . springfield . the games almost over . i got hung up at the snack stand watching those hot dogs rolling and turning , not a care in the world . no more lazy saturdays for you . strike two . by my calculations , were only one strike away from victory . numbers are fun . this is it , boys . one more out and we go to the championship game . lets do it for groundskeeper willie , who made me this beautiful black bicep warmer . it keeps me naughty hands busy . i got it . i got it . i hogged it . i hogged it . my son caught the ball . this makes up for everything thats gone wrong in my life or ever will . im also pleased . after years of failure in everything weve attempted , we are one victory away from a championship , people . and our newfound glory is all due to these wonderful boys . behold my naked butt . each cheek is a god to you . now bart , stay humble . your baseball cap wont fit over a swelled head . flanders , these boys have earned the right to behave like arrogant oafs . can we egg the crowd . in this modern day deadwood you can do anything . all right . smithers , im missing the fun . upsy daisy, , sir . ah , what glorious goo . i need a dress to wear for my sons big game . hes the star , im his mom , and hes my son . mm hmm, , youve mentioned his name and batting average several times . well , hes done very well for someone who came out blue and backwards . listen , do you mind if i hum while you talk . not at all . he single handedly got the team to the championship , first time ever . my son caught the ball that won the game . i hate shopping . im bored my feet hurt im too big for the choo choo train . hmm wheres the husband chair . unless youre serving me a cold beer , you keep moving . oh . there must be another chair . eh eh . my wifes lookin for a bathing suit that doesnt make her look horsey . so , im gonna be here a while . mm hmm . i guess i could just sit on a bed . wow , this is soft . sure feels weird lying on top of the covers . sure feels weird lying in bed with my pants on . what in the name of . hey , you . whoa . how many . are you sleeping in the middle of my department store . well who wouldnt with an incredible mattress like this . it works with my bodys natural curves and supports my back boobs . thats the best endorsement ive heard since mickey mantle for maypo . ill take five mattresses . i dont work here . you do now , son . youre hired . woo hoo . all this fuss for a baseball game . why dont thousands come to watch a teacher inspire a child . but it did happen . just yesterdayin , crazytown . so , in the amber gloaming of this september afternoon , shelbyville has the bases loaded , but the isotots only need one out to win the championship and get that pizza party at luigis . luigis , they deliver on flavorbut , not to your house . damas y caballeros , if the isotots win , please do not fire your guns in the air . the bullets will come down . and kill my sister . a lazy pop fly to star shortstop bart simpson . and this should do it . now for the defining moment of my life . huh . simpson drops the ball . and he kicks it . and he kicks it again . and again . oh , its horrible , but you cant take your eyes away . its like watching a monkey swallow a hand grenade . the isotots lose the pennant . the isotots lose the pennant . bart , you choked . i put on fresh makeup for this . knock it off . hes just a kid . aw , hey thats the guy what created him . if homer had used some protection , wed all be poopin roses on easy street . hey , get off my case . hes the choke artist . quick , bartbart , get in . thanks , chief . dont mention it , son . hes back . go nuts , everyone . barts coming down . hide the sports section . doh . good morning , sweetie . theres nothing you can say . after that gamemy , life is over . was there even a baseball game yesterday . i dont remember marge , we were just talking about it a few seconds ago . dont you have to get to your job as a mattress salesman . oh , yeah . lets see where that goes . let me tell you about a land where it rains beer and hails pretzels and you can play swim up blackjack with abraham lincoln . its the land of sleep . and your passport a simple mattress . yes , i need to be able to sleep through my wifes nagging and my eight horrible babies and the anguished howls of my ancestors . a common problem . try this . oh . oh . oh , i feel like im floating on a river of corpses . homer , we have a friend  actually a friend of a friend sex problem , eh .  . homer , please . they can hear you in fine china . relax . im a licensed mattress professional , if there were such a thing , and ive got the answer to your problems the snugulux by matrimonium . oh , sold . and remember your most intimate secrets are safe with me . okay , who else is dead in bed . youre listening to kbbl , your officialbart simpson sucks station . oh ho, , and here comes another bash bart block , starting with this entry from jimbodolph , and kearney . bart stinks yeah , bart stinks bart stinks yeah , bart stinks oh , my favorite song ruined . bart , come with me . ill take you to someone who will make you feel better . is it my rabbit cottontail . the one who went to live upstate . he died , bart . dad buried him in the backyard . but not in that order . bart , meet joe laboot . laboot , . sounds familiar . you probably remember me from world series . with the score tied in game seven , tommy heinrich of the yankees hit a ball in my direction . jugglin joe laboot they called me . when i finally picked up the ball , i threw it into the standshitting , eleanor roosevelt , who up till then had been a great beauty . we lost the game and the series . but i bounced back . got my own car dealership . i have grandchildren and a big home in idaho . its a great life . yeah , in idaho . and at these card showsthe , fans let me know that ive put my gaffe behind me . you stink , laboot . no , i dont . google my stats . take it from me , kid , youll be just fine . feel better now , bart . bart .  . are you bart simpson . the kid who dropped that easy fly ball .  . you stink like a dutchmans throw up . talking to you was the biggest error of my life . boo . boo , indeed . the lovejoys .  . if this is about me drinking that holy water , let me tell you , i had like a million doritos . you know , the ones with the flame on the bag . oh ho, , that bag aint lyin . were here about the mattress . whats wrong with it . we tried raising cain , but we werent able . oh , i think i know what youre doing wrong . have you tried i know the mechanics of lovemaking , homer . you owe us a refund . ill write you a check . pay to the order of stupid reverend . memo bite my ass . wha .  . homer , im not a man who believes in miracles , but this bed of yours could resurrect our sex life . if you let us have your mattress , well give you ours . on one condition you do the shlepping . well , ill have to check with my wife . move over just a ow , well , maybe if you g .  . no , wrongwrong , wrong . im sorry , homie . i want to snuggle , but im just not feeling it . yeah , something has changed , but i cant figure out what . our mattress . i traded it to the lovejoys . you traded our mattress . i had my secret cash in it . oh , thats long gone , baby . long gone . it was made for elvis , but he found it tacky . but i cant believe a mattress could make that much difference . this little light of mine im gonna let it shine oh , glory this little light of mine im gonna let it shine every day , every day every day yay , . lousy reverend , hes having my sex while im at home with marge not doing anything sensual or erotic . a damp sponge will take care of this weak , water based its oil based . oil based . daddy . fetch daddys thinner , boy . but its in the stay away closet . you just fetch it . who would do this to bart . the person who hates bart more than anyone else . look . oh , yeah , thats really something . mom , put your glasses on . but they make me look dowdy . my baby . see . i hate me , too . now we can be friends again . bart , stop . no ones mad at you anymore , right . yeah . yeah . you know . jump . who who said that . i hate bart simpson . i got him . i got him . you stink , laboot . damn it . hell be all right . right now he just needs peace and quiet . bart sucks . bart sucks . bart sucks . bart sucks . you should all be ashamed . passing judgment on a child for a sports boo boo . what have you people ever done . well , i wrote a best selling series of mystery novels . stephen king called it , scary , good fun . besides that . now , thanks to you , my special little guy will be haunted by this for the rest of his life . i always thought that was just a slogan to attract small businesses . but now i know its the truth . okay , midge . you made us feel bad about what we done to your boy , but what can we do about it now . its not like we can play the game over again . cant we . like i just said , we cant . are you sure . open your freakin ears . no . i think maybe we could . and i say , i have difficulty envisioning it . let me get this straight . you want our boys to play a fake rematch against springfield so your son can make the catch he missed and feel better about himself . exactly . i guess i could , uh , if you pretend to be my fiancie when my mother comes to visit . okay . if you pretend to be our chauffeur at my highschool reunion . fine , if you pretend to be a ghost at an old amusement park im trying to buy . we should stop now . yeah . you want me to reannounce a game ive already called . oh , sister , i got too much integrity . the same integrity farmer dan puts into every link sausage . then i guess you wouldnt mind eating one . of course i wouldnt . its not like theyre made of skunk tails and horse nipples . ill do whatever you say . just get that death wiener away from me . im starting to feel funny about doing this . look , were just going to take our mattress , do a quick sweep of the medicine chest , then were out of here . homer , stop that . sorry . there it is . old bounce an giggle . you put on the michael bolton cd . ill put on my edible vestments . oh , my god . how dare you breakin to our house , defile our bed , and smash our family photos with your foot . well , excuse me for being a powerful yet careless lover . reverend lovejoy , our marriage needs this bed . our marriage needs it more . well , i am reminded of the story of wise king solomon . you would be . i wish he hadnt cut it that way . it looks like a grilled cheese sandwich . or a chicken club . or a a reuben . or a monte cristo , or pull over behind that billboard . oh . oh , yeah . you really want to make love on half a mattress behind a billboard . its like our honeymoon all over again . we even have the same bum looking at us . i knew you kids would make it . man , you got fat . so , its dja vu all over again as springfield needs just one out to win the game and the championship . whod have thunk it . probably everyone who was here the last time . i still cant believe it . they dusted the plate with a non regulation brush , so we have to play the last inning over again . i think this time itll have a happier ending . why do you think that . uh they warned me not to talk to you . who warned you . nobody . hello , redemption . bart gets another try . uh , the batter hit it by accident , not by design . play ball . er , uh , that is also a do over cause , um , er , uh theres a naked idiot on the field . woo hoo . doh . play ball . i did it . i did it . i did it . oh . yay . all right . and the th time is the charm . now , over the left field wall , the real shows about to begin the glorious sunrise , brought to you by god , the invisible giant you turn to when youre about to die . hey , milhouse , did i ever tell you about the catch i made when i was ten . greatest moment of my life . it was a fake , you idiot . we did it to make you feel better . a fake . then i did suck . i i do suck . no , that was a fake just now . you did make the catch . i knew it . i rule . and you drool . boy , our son can be a real jerk . hey , do you want to have ghost sex . i keep telling youghost , sex is nothing . its worse than nothing . then why were you moaning last time . because im a ghost . a ghost . springfield . hmm are bees building hives in your diaper genie . the deadly truth about oxygen . is your baby a suckaholic . experts see new links between pacifier overuse and low achievement . maggie , honey , this is for your own good . growing up means giving up everything that makes you happy . its true . ive given up everything but raisins . and the doctor says theyre killing me . sweet , plump coffin nails is what they are . maggie , im sorry you miss your pacifier . but when a mother makes a decision , she has to stick by it . okay , you can have it back . i cant believe you listened to this magazine . its a larry flynt publication . lisa , stop reading mastheads . i cant . i wont . wheres your father with those pacifiers . i couldnt find maggies brand , but i got every other kind i could find . how about syntho nip . kiddy cork . thumbstitute . accuteat . bink . want to suck on the receipt . make her stop . you make her stop . ive had her all day . i cant take it anymore . larry flynt . larry flynt . larry flynt . larry flynt , larry flynt , larry flynt .  . good work , boy . just for that , were going to treat your heart murmur , not just see how it goes . oh , stupid baby . growing her brain on my dime . are you counting sheep all night long . hm hmm he needs help . help from a drug . that help is here . meet nappien . nappien activates your brains napping centers , and attacks your bodys awake agens . and unlike sleepia , it wont cause foot fattening or elbow stink . oh . okay , nappien , do your stuff . hmm , its not working . you lousyworthless , piece of woha . what a wonderful nights sleep . thank you , methasorbizone tartrate , also known as nappien . last night , someone ate all the food in our fridge . maybe it was the same person who tied each of the dogs feet to a toy car . and someone used our videotapes as dominoes . homer , i think you dominoed this . thats ridiculous . if i had set up those dominoes , id be wearing my special domino setting kneepads . it was you . how is that possible . ive read that people do strange things in their sleep when theyve taken ambien  mean nappien . see . may cause dry mouth , mood swingsand , nighttime kookiness . mood swings .  . mood swings . mood swings . mood swings . mood swings . mood swings . mood swings . mood swings . mood swingsmood , swings . mood swings . nappien , you did it again . and everything is as it should be . john lennon .  . yoko . so youre the one behind all these hijinks at the rock n roll wax museum . thank you . thank you . thank you . thank you . mr . simpson , why did you hurt the dollies . well , son , your uncle homer is like of america wacked out on prescription drugs . but users are losers . youre confusing drugs with drugs . okay , heres the solution . i want you kids to lock the bedroom from the outside , so i cant get out and perpetrate my nocturnal mischief . why dont you just quit taking the pills , you hophead . because im filled with stress . oh . i have three kids and no money . why cant i have no kids and three money . why am i sleeping when right next door is every boys dream a fat , suggestible zombie dad . hey , zombie . huh . want to come out and play . zombie kill . no , play . zombie file grievance . whoa . your dads a zombie . lets make him give us haircuts . how does it look . oh . and thats only one of the cool things were going to do with him . zombie montage . oh . my stomach is groaning with walnut meat . come on . just one more . what the .  . my car .  . milhouse .  . nutmeat .  . oh , my god , what have i done .  . youve horribly injured the whole fire department . what are youa , travel agent . cause youre sending me on a guilt trip . sorry . well , our brave firemen recuperate , springfield is a town without a fire department , which is bad news for people like this man . sir , how does it feel knowing that no one is coming to save you . oh , not as bad as knowing that somewhere , gays are marrying each other . thats the real emergency , kent . once again , crisis has brought out the best in us . i feel kind of responsible . maybe i should volunteer to be a fireman . volunteer fireman . count me in . just call me fireman skinner . you know , i think ill volunteer , too . why did you say too . well , i assume im not the first one . it is with great pride that i turn over the safety of this city to the first four people who showed up . mm hmm . your sense of civic duty and this pamphlet that came with the fire extinguisher are all the training you need or shall receive . mm hmm . yeah . were here to join the volunteer fire department . youre too late . beat it . lousy civilians . i wish i could burn em all . easy there , fire chief moe . oh , i cant wait for my first fire . is that one . thats just someone barbecuing . oh . is that one . thats a guy with red hair . doh . sweetheart , come to dinner . i cant . that fire siren could sound at any moment . any moment . any moment . allaltro . did i say any moment . any moment . what the hell is that . thats the fire siren . woo hoo . marge , when you see me next , ill be a soggysmoky , hero . mmm . soggy , smoky hero . just come back alive , okay . dont tell me how to do my job . you save a luigis place . mwah . mwah . luigi give you all the food you want . on the house . hey , this is sweet , huh . almost makes up for not gettin paid . we dont get what . oh , thank you . your jaws ofare superior to my movie jaws of life . you guys are the real deal , as opposed to my movie the real deal , which was not the real deal . well , uh , your thanks makes it all worth it . no , i must thank you properly with crew jackets from my less successful films . total explosion , father of the presi bot, , i shoot your face , i shoot your face again , frankenberry the movie the frankenberry wears prada . oh , leather arms . people just give you this stuff . hey , its the least they can do after we saved them from being melty faced weirdoes . we are entitled to some sort of compensation . after all , were volunteers . thats right , pu . people owe us because were heroes . its even on my business card . i printed them on the back of my old business cards . see . its different . mr . burns , jump into this net . whats in it for me . just jump . so , i see by your tie youre a yale man , too . lets croon , shall we . boola , well done , gentlemen . too bad smithers didnt make it . im right here , sir . excellent . but since i thought you were dead , you wont get paid this week . make a note of it . well , that doesnt quite seem fair . but you four , youre the real heroes . oh , we dont need it was nothing , really . just doing our job . what do you think he will give us . fine art , i bet . no , the complete munsters on dvd . i hope its spaghetti . thank you , and good bye . wha . wha . huh . ta ta, , toodle loo . go back to your tenements , where the obriens live next to the goldbergs , who rub elbows with antonellis , and the only thing you have in common is the squalor of your chamber pot . oh , how i hate you . bye bye . of all the nerve . burns stiffed us . i cant believe he acted completely in character . lousy burns , so ungrateful . i hate himso much . hold on a second , fellas . i dont like the looks of that flaming ember . id better blow it out . ha , . hmm . hmm . oh , the fire has spread to this room full of valuables . and its our duty to follow it . well , the fires out , but , uh i think some of these valuables are smoke damaged . hes not gonna want em . heh heh . moe , are you suggesting that we should steal . whoa , . it aint stealing if you take it fast . gentlemen , id like to thank you . youve saved my store . well , most of it . what do you mean . uh , well , your building will be fine , but unfortunately , a lot of your merchandise was completely vaporized high end stereo equipment , size mens shoes and some stuff i wanted . oh , my . i didnt think the damage was that bad . but you must be telling the truth . youre firemen , after all . yeah , were awesome . thisll make a great toilet seat . uh , gentleman , im , uh im starting to wonder if weve crossed a line here . just what are you getting at . yeah , hall pass . you better not be thinking of ratting us out . it would be a shame if the next fire you fought was in hell . okay , . ill just look the other way . you guys sure arent making this easy . oh , thank god theres a fire . marges birthdays coming up . i think what she would treasure most is a gift bought through honest effort because integrity trust exploitation the golden rule role models seriousrime zero tolerance the ten commandments next time maggie does that in a pool , tell me quietly dont announce it . but , mom , the lifeguards have to know . just let the chemicals deal with it . look at me . im a fireman . hey , mom , can we go see dad put out the fire . well , i guess every boy should see his father as a hero . hey , guys , check out the radical free air generated bymy stolen ionic breeze . oh , bogus gizmo , grant me eternal life . mom , is dad stealing from people hes supposed to help . king of thieves , we worship you . he is stealing . look at me , guys . im stealing five segways at once . and speaking of segues , im off to my next morally questionable activity . youre nothing but a diabolical master thief . the kind that haunts the slopes of saint moritz or the casinos of monte carlo . were not thieves were scavengers , like the beautiful vulture or the heroic tapeworm , or americas sweetheart , the maggot . you shouldve seenthe faces o four children when they caught you stealing . kids , get in here and show your father the face . make them stop . you make them stop by doing the right thing . sadyes turn the other way i dont want to see you cry sad eyes you knew thered come a day when we wouldhave to say good bye sad eyes . moe , can we talk . are you crazy . its degrees in here . oh , no , wait , its only . whats on your mind . moe , i think we may have perverted go on . our duties as firemen . first skinner , now you . well , maybe you got a point . maybe we a solid gold grandfather clock . oh . this things hotter than ellen barkin . moe , i can save you , but you have to let go of the clock . but its been in my family for over seconds . wait , waitwait , wait . what about nabu . apu is dead . i was reincarnated as this cat . oh , you have just been apud . my baby . my baby . could do worse than grow up to be like you , sir . lets hear it for homer . so daddy saved apu and moe . and believe me , we learned our lesson . whatd you do with all the loot . we sent it to skid row , where it would do the most good . look at me . im the bum of the future . springfield . hmm are bees building hives in your diaper genie . the deadly truth about oxygen . is your baby a suckaholic . experts see new links between pacifier overuse and low achievement . maggie , honey , this is for your own good . growing up means giving up everything that makes you happy . its true . ive given up everything but raisins . and the doctor says theyre killing me . sweet , plump coffin nails is what they are . maggie , im sorry you miss your pacifier . but when a mother makes a decision , she has to stick by it . okay , you can have it back . i cant believe you listened to this magazine . its a larry flynt publication . lisa , stop reading mastheads . i cant . i wont . wheres your father with those pacifiers . i couldnt find maggies brand , but i got every other kind i could find . how about syntho nip . kiddy cork . thumbstitute . accuteat . bink . want to suck on the receipt . make her stop . you make her stop . ive had her all day . i cant take it anymore . larry flynt . larry flynt . larry flynt . larry flynt , larry flynt , larry flynt .  . good work , boy . just for that , were going to treat your heart murmur , not just see how it goes . oh , stupid baby . growing her brain on my dime . are you counting sheep all night long . hm hmm he needs help . help from a drug . that help is here . meet nappien . nappien activates your brains napping centers , and attacks your bodys awake agens . and unlike sleepia , it wont cause foot fattening or elbow stink . oh . okay , nappien , do your stuff . hmm , its not working . you lousyworthless , piece of woha . what a wonderful nights sleep . thank you , methasorbizone tartrate , also known as nappien . last night , someone ate all the food in our fridge . maybe it was the same person who tied each of the dogs feet to a toy car . and someone used our videotapes as dominoes . homer , i think you dominoed this . thats ridiculous . if i had set up those dominoes , id be wearing my special domino setting kneepads . it was you . how is that possible . ive read that people do strange things in their sleep when theyve taken ambien  mean nappien . see . may cause dry mouth , mood swingsand , nighttime kookiness . mood swings .  . mood swings . mood swings . mood swings . mood swings . mood swings . mood swings . mood swings . mood swingsmood , swings . mood swings . nappien , you did it again . and everything is as it should be . john lennon .  . yoko . so youre the one behind all these hijinks at the rock n roll wax museum . thank you . thank you . thank you . thank you . mr . simpson , why did you hurt the dollies . well , son , your uncle homer is like of america wacked out on prescription drugs . but users are losers . youre confusing drugs with drugs . okay , heres the solution . i want you kids to lock the bedroom from the outside , so i cant get out and perpetrate my nocturnal mischief . why dont you just quit taking the pills , you hophead . because im filled with stress . oh . i have three kids and no money . why cant i have no kids and three money . why am i sleeping when right next door is every boys dream a fat , suggestible zombie dad . hey , zombie . huh . want to come out and play . zombie kill . no , play . zombie file grievance . whoa . your dads a zombie . lets make him give us haircuts . how does it look . oh . and thats only one of the cool things were going to do with him . zombie montage . oh . my stomach is groaning with walnut meat . come on . just one more . what the .  . my car .  . milhouse .  . nutmeat .  . oh , my god , what have i done .  . youve horribly injured the whole fire department . what are youa , travel agent . cause youre sending me on a guilt trip . sorry . well , our brave firemen recuperate , springfield is a town without a fire department , which is bad news for people like this man . sir , how does it feel knowing that no one is coming to save you . oh , not as bad as knowing that somewhere , gays are marrying each other . thats the real emergency , kent . once again , crisis has brought out the best in us . i feel kind of responsible . maybe i should volunteer to be a fireman . volunteer fireman . count me in . just call me fireman skinner . you know , i think ill volunteer , too . why did you say too . well , i assume im not the first one . it is with great pride that i turn over the safety of this city to the first four people who showed up . mm hmm . your sense of civic duty and this pamphlet that came with the fire extinguisher are all the training you need or shall receive . mm hmm . yeah . were here to join the volunteer fire department . youre too late . beat it . lousy civilians . i wish i could burn em all . easy there , fire chief moe . oh , i cant wait for my first fire . is that one . thats just someone barbecuing . oh . is that one . thats a guy with red hair . doh . sweetheart , come to dinner . i cant . that fire siren could sound at any moment . any moment . any moment . allaltro . did i say any moment . any moment . what the hell is that . thats the fire siren . woo hoo . marge , when you see me next , ill be a soggysmoky , hero . mmm . soggy , smoky hero . just come back alive , okay . dont tell me how to do my job . you save a luigis place . mwah . mwah . luigi give you all the food you want . on the house . hey , this is sweet , huh . almost makes up for not gettin paid . we dont get what . oh , thank you . your jaws ofare superior to my movie jaws of life . you guys are the real deal , as opposed to my movie the real deal , which was not the real deal . well , uh , your thanks makes it all worth it . no , i must thank you properly with crew jackets from my less successful films . total explosion , father of the presi bot, , i shoot your face , i shoot your face again , frankenberry the movie the frankenberry wears prada . oh , leather arms . people just give you this stuff . hey , its the least they can do after we saved them from being melty faced weirdoes . we are entitled to some sort of compensation . after all , were volunteers . thats right , pu . people owe us because were heroes . its even on my business card . i printed them on the back of my old business cards . see . its different . mr . burns , jump into this net . whats in it for me . just jump . so , i see by your tie youre a yale man , too . lets croon , shall we . boola , well done , gentlemen . too bad smithers didnt make it . im right here , sir . excellent . but since i thought you were dead , you wont get paid this week . make a note of it . well , that doesnt quite seem fair . but you four , youre the real heroes . oh , we dont need it was nothing , really . just doing our job . what do you think he will give us . fine art , i bet . no , the complete munsters on dvd . i hope its spaghetti . thank you , and good bye . wha . wha . huh . ta ta, , toodle loo . go back to your tenements , where the obriens live next to the goldbergs , who rub elbows with antonellis , and the only thing you have in common is the squalor of your chamber pot . oh , how i hate you . bye bye . of all the nerve . burns stiffed us . i cant believe he acted completely in character . lousy burns , so ungrateful . i hate himso much . hold on a second , fellas . i dont like the looks of that flaming ember . id better blow it out . ha , . hmm . hmm . oh , the fire has spread to this room full of valuables . and its our duty to follow it . well , the fires out , but , uh i think some of these valuables are smoke damaged . hes not gonna want em . heh heh . moe , are you suggesting that we should steal . whoa , . it aint stealing if you take it fast . gentlemen , id like to thank you . youve saved my store . well , most of it . what do you mean . uh , well , your building will be fine , but unfortunately , a lot of your merchandise was completely vaporized high end stereo equipment , size mens shoes and some stuff i wanted . oh , my . i didnt think the damage was that bad . but you must be telling the truth . youre firemen , after all . yeah , were awesome . thisll make a great toilet seat . uh , gentleman , im , uh im starting to wonder if weve crossed a line here . just what are you getting at . yeah , hall pass . you better not be thinking of ratting us out . it would be a shame if the next fire you fought was in hell . okay , . ill just look the other way . you guys sure arent making this easy . oh , thank god theres a fire . marges birthdays coming up . i think what she would treasure most is a gift bought through honest effort because integrity trust exploitation the golden rule role models seriousrime zero tolerance the ten commandments next time maggie does that in a pool , tell me quietly dont announce it . but , mom , the lifeguards have to know . just let the chemicals deal with it . look at me . im a fireman . hey , mom , can we go see dad put out the fire . well , i guess every boy should see his father as a hero . hey , guys , check out the radical free air generated bymy stolen ionic breeze . oh , bogus gizmo , grant me eternal life . mom , is dad stealing from people hes supposed to help . king of thieves , we worship you . he is stealing . look at me , guys . im stealing five segways at once . and speaking of segues , im off to my next morally questionable activity . youre nothing but a diabolical master thief . the kind that haunts the slopes of saint moritz or the casinos of monte carlo . were not thieves were scavengers , like the beautiful vulture or the heroic tapeworm , or americas sweetheart , the maggot . you shouldve seenthe faces o four children when they caught you stealing . kids , get in here and show your father the face . make them stop . you make them stop by doing the right thing . sadyes turn the other way i dont want to see you cry sad eyes you knew thered come a day when we wouldhave to say good bye sad eyes . moe , can we talk . are you crazy . its degrees in here . oh , no , wait , its only . whats on your mind . moe , i think we may have perverted go on . our duties as firemen . first skinner , now you . well , maybe you got a point . maybe we a solid gold grandfather clock . oh . this things hotter than ellen barkin . moe , i can save you , but you have to let go of the clock . but its been in my family for over seconds . wait , waitwait , wait . what about nabu . apu is dead . i was reincarnated as this cat . oh , you have just been apud . my baby . my baby . could do worse than grow up to be like you , sir . lets hear it for homer . so daddy saved apu and moe . and believe me , we learned our lesson . whatd you do with all the loot . we sent it to skid row , where it would do the most good . look at me . im the bum of the future . springfield . oktoberfest . sorry , sir , this is a harvest festival . no alcohol . im gonna have to confiscate those steins . springfield squash the most fibrous variety of yellow squash . we drove miles to look at a stupid pile of vegetables . thats it , buster . you just bought yourself ten minutes watching that man make a wagon wheel . yesm . wagon wheels were the internet of the th century . really . no . hmm . this winning cornu copia is magnificent . styrofoam . you stuffed your horn .  . what . everybody does it . no , noooo . noooo . i can testify at the trial . aint gon be no trial . oh , look . pine cone first ladies . where the hell is abigail adams .  . oh , there she is . where the hell is mary todd lincoln .  . oh , shes right there . where the hell is ida saxton mckinley .  . oh , i see . where the hell is . dad , look . a corn maze . the a maize maize maze betcha cant solve our maze . puh . i didnt come here to be insulted . were leaving . mm . sure is a lot of corn in this parking lot . dad , were in the maze . doh . dad , why dont you throw me in the air , and i can see which way is out . corn . more corn . another kid getting thrown in the air . witchs coven . seattle space needle . amateur production of you cant take it with you oh , im getting dizzy . and corn again . maybe we should split up . split up .  . marge , no . we can fix this marriage . no , i didnt mean fine , you want out . then go . i can make it on my own . before i met you , i had friends and dreams . i was talking about oh , please take me back . the dating scene is a nightmare . im begging you . i just meant we should split up to get out of this corn maze . deep down , i guess i knew that . now there must be a way out . of our marriage .  . i dont want to live . i dont want to live . hey , this maze is made of corn . im so sick of being lost . to hell with maze etiquette . im walking straight outta here . electrified for your enjoyment . damn it . signs also electrified . how come things that happen to stupid people keep happening to me . finally . i knew we could solve that maze using tremauxs algorithm . told you . no , you didnt . your plan was to burn the corn . that was never my plan . im lost and im starving . eat some corn . i dont have any holders . now , dont worry , maam . well send a member of our elite canine unit in to find yourhusbands corpse . uh , living corpse . say hello to officer jaws . chief , im afraid officer jaws is guilty of littering and heres the litter . okay , everyone puppy party at my house . oh . dont worry . our dog will find my dad . we need you , boy . we need you , boy . good boy . now go find homer . he needs something with your fathers scent . maybe theres something in dads backpack . a sports bra . he just needs it for walking upstairs . this maze is too hard for me . to my wife marge . in case i dont make it , here are my oscar picks for next year best sound effects editingthe team from huh . ahh dad . your dogs quite a tracker . say , has he ever thought about a career in law enforcement . um , i dont think hes ever thought about anything . santas little helper would be an awesome police dog . can he , dad . can he . no , and never bring it up again . please , can he . all right . boy , it is going to be so cool when youre a police dog . good boy . now , transform . cool . all right , listen up . for the next two weeksim , gonna be your worst enemy , except this thursday is the fourth of july , so well take friday off as well . well , i guess wednesday everybodys going to be thinking about the long weekend , soeh , what the hell . why dont we just takethe whole week off . why did you let me do that . we are so far behind . nice work , canines . bring in the next group . uh , should i get this blow back to the cage , chief . whoa , . blow . cage . youre in uniform , lou . dont slang it up . it is my privilege to welcome this fine group of animals into the springfield police force . keep your noses clean and your hearts free of worms . listen to me , rookthese , streets are hard . it aint like air bud v strong arm of the paw . attention all units domestic disturbance in progress at rural route . domestic disturbance .  . youre gonna have one hell of a first day , boy . squeak em if you got em . you gave that hog a day of beauty , and i didnt get nothing . manicure pedicure exfoliation . dont worry , boy , she just knocked a few fleas off you . youre gonna be okay . we need backup now . cletus , you coward . is you man or turtle . heres your answer . skittle , skittlescurry , skittle . okay , since the dogs not here , im gonna take you for a walk . whats the matter , bart . oh , i miss santas little helper . i wanted him to be a police dog , but now he has no time for me . i even have to eat my own homework . hey , could you set us up down here . easy there , pal . we just started our shift . attention k  unit . we got an in progress at the park . over . chief , why are you using the walkie talkie . i can hear you fine . fine . lets not use any of our police equipment . so , uh , you got any steroids . oh , you know it . i can make you huge . i want to pump my guns . i want to rip my pecs . i want to shriv my nards . nards , thats what we needed to hear . freeze . nobody ever freezes . might as well just say run . catch me if you can , little bowwow . no . nice work partner . you stand accused of giving hope to scrawny young men . how do you plead . guilty of being innocent . well , im afraid , because of this improperly filled out police report , i have no choice but to let you go . case dismissed . ho ho . dont worry , dude , im going straight to my customers to sell more drugs . listen , man , you got to let it go . relax for a couple days with your family . come back fresh on monday . boy , youre back . ow . you bit me . my own dog bit me . i cant believe it . my own dog bit me . now that hes had a taste of human flesh , the dog will be a slave to its succulence . look at him eyeing me . he knows i taste best . dont blame the dog , folks . a cops life is so tense , he has to channel it somewhere . me , i knit violent imagery . pretty grim , huh . oh , i love santas little helper , but i dont know if we can have him in our home anymore . mom , you cant send him away . hes a dog , not grandpa . what if santas little helper stops being a police dog , then he can get a nonviolent job like barking songs on novelty christmas records . you can do it , boy . no , boy , thats hanukah . forget it , kid . hes a cop now . well , i bet he cant resist this . fetch , boy . my god . ive lost him . homer . oh , relax , marge . im just messing with you . i know im not a dog . im a people , like you . homer , its just flanders . you know him . youre going to live with me now cause only cops understand cops . hey , lou , want to party tonight . oh , not tonight , sharquelle . im hanging out with my new roommate . oh , my god . a police dog . oh , i have a friend who would love him . okay , but just remember they dont love us . they just love the uniform . all right , now , whos going with who . i dont want a new dog . i want my old dog . the one who bit me . cheer up , boy . well get you their most vicious street cur . hell bite your ass raw . no street curs . thats it . i want a snake . oh , no problem , pally . our pythons cost five dollars a foot . were not made of money . all right . he is so awesome . i already love him more than i love lisa . it says here dont bother naming them . snakes have poor hearing , and only live to strangle . i like it . strangles . hey , lis , you want to touch strangles . hes not slimy at all . hes scaly . eww . he is slimy . thats because i soaked him in slime . why , you little ill teach you to trick your sister . homer , can you breathe . well , i can breathe out okay . dont give snake attention . its what he really wants . im okay . after months of practice , i have trained my rabbit to hop in perfect tempo to mussorgskys immortal pictures at an exhibition . now for some hip hop we can all get down with . bart simpson , you cant bring a python to school . hey , dont ask me to show if you cant handle the tell . well , im going to show you to the principal , and tell him all about it . mine was as funny as his . no ones arguing with you , lady . now , can we just learn something . the snakes getting away . the snake must be in there . you miss him , dont you . lou , hes got to get over it . i miss shamrock shakes , but they aint coming back till march . you know , chiefshamrock , shakes are just vanilla shakes colored green . i taste the flavor . its a very mild mint . well , maybe , because its a minty color , your mind is fooling your tongue . i know what i taste . i got to go with the chief on this one . whoa . theres a big surprise . hey , lou , whats your favorite thing in the world , so i can dump all over that . time for a head count . children , line up according to height . no , weight . no , the sum total of the letters in your last name if each letter is assigned a numeric value according to its place in the alphabet . quickly , now . deadly toxic cloud . deadly toxic cloud . barts missing . he must still be in the school . no , boy . its too dangerous . let him go , lou . hes not following his nose this time . hes following his heart . sometimes i forget why youre chief , but i remember now . you follow your heart , boy . here , strangles . strangles . oh , man , its like some chemicals cut one . strangles , you came to save me . santas little helper , you came , too . sorry , but a boys got to go with his dog . if he hurts you again , dont call me . who am i kidding , ill always be there for you . and saved . hero cop saves boy . hero cop saves boy . oh , i knew you loved me , boy . now you can be my dog again . dont worry . ill give ya a home . thatll do , snake . thatll do . springfield . ctu the counter truancy unit . ive got something . head hall monitor loves poneis hates phonies the sixth grade security camera shows three empty desks . enhance . skinner stinks dehance . dehance . principal mamas boy i ran the attendance protocols . here are your three missing students hmm . good work , database . we helped . whoa . this is the source of the stench . hey . get your own yogurt . atm user devoted father of two vile curd . simpson , you can take your putrid mess far out of my sight , you song less land whale . whoo hoo . business trip . simpson . ill teach you to make a poupon me . if someone did eat barts shorts , theyd have a tummy full of pocket garbage . springfield elementary bake sale friday p . m , the schools havinga bake sale today .  . at .  . unemployed . i promised them a cake . ive only got minutes . the pre heat is on . the following takes place between p . m . and p . m . or maybe its a . m . whichever one is the morning one , its not that one . apu , im returning a yogurt i wasnt a hundred percent satisfied with . mmm . oh . oh my god . if a dead fish and a homeless person had a baby , and the baby puked , and a dog ate the puke , this smells like the rear end of that dog . ill give you any yogurt in the store , just take that thing with you when you go . lets spit in the coffee pots . i call hazelnut . truants moving into the kwik e . ive got a visual . ugh . that yogurt is toxic . its just what weve been looking for . now this crosswords nothin but swears . weve got what we need . milhouse , bring them in . roger that . and lisa , if i dont make it back , theres a letter in my locker i want you to read . i already read it . weve all read it . wait , milhouse , hold your position . something doesnt add up . look what the bullies could have stolen big chief rotten cheeks chewing tobacco a take a tray with a quarter in it . so why steal the yogurt . we have to find out what theyre up to . hmm milhouse , change of plan observe and follow . permission to buy a hostess fruit pie to keep my strength up . denied . hey milhouse , who are you spying on . those bullies . huh . what about the fat guy . hey , lay off . youre the fat one of you guys . im bulking up for football . im still alive . you call that playing to win . mr . simpson , im scared . this is our life now , milhouse . were dumpster folk . ive lost milhouse . hell be somewhat missed . who do we send now . principal skinner , you know we have only one agent who stands a chance with those bullies . my brother . lord , give me guidance . thats right , the guidance department detention room . thank you , mrs . lord . hmm . all out . i cant make my famous raisin sponge cake without raisins . kids love the zing of raisins . if i help you , i want full immunity for all pranks past and future , and you have to teach me a swear word i dont already know . no deal . okay , suit yourself . its not like you have any major events coming up that the bullies would want to disrupt . the bake sale . principal skinner , as we both know , but you might need reminding , the annual bake sale provides of the schools funding . okay , you have a deal , you conniving little wow , thats a swear . used as a noun it is . sweet . now im going to need some wheels . yes , of course . i think we can wrangle you a used bicycle . do you prefer schwinn or huffy . bart . where did he . my car keys . road kill , burnt hair , my sisters retainer case , six weeks of bottled farts , possum placenta , sweat from a walk around goofy suit . and finally , t . c . b . y . that container of botulized yogurt . okay , everyone , masks on . gentlemen , weve created the mother of all stink bombs . most satisfactory . jimbo , sweetie , i have to run to the bank . are you boys going to be okay alone . put a top on , mom . everyones seen your implants . but the doctor said the air will help them just go . lookin good , carol . i saw it first . you are such a liar . you give that to me . must escape . springfield elementary is about to be stinkfield elementary . lisa , theyre going to put a stink bomb in the school . i might be able to stop them , but ill need a schematic of jimbos house . jimbo drew a couple of pictures of his house in second grade , but i cant vouch for their accuracy . the teacher gave him a frowny face . im so proud of us . you got jimbo . theyre on to you , jimbo . get out of there . scram boiled eggs would be lovely for breakfast , mother . just go . quickly . were busted . thanks , mole . now make your split screen vanish . will do . oh . damn it , these blue prints are all wrong . wheres the roller coaster room and the shark tank . oh . huh . son of a beach ball , theyre gone . ive got a man down . well , not a man . a very special boy . chloe , i need those schematics now . what . who is this . im jack bauer . who the hell are you . me . uh , im ahmed adoody . chloe , find out all you can about ahmed adoody . does anyone there know ahmed adoody . ahmed adoody , wealthy saudi financier . disappeared into afghanistan in the late s . really . no , jack , its a joke name . youre being set up . damn it . now , lets see . the equivalent of five minutes at lets see now to make the folded index card that goes in front of the cake . doh . no . oh . pink frosting fixes everything . say , is your butt numb from all this vibrating . oh , mine is . still , i wouldnt describe it as unpleasant . well , lets get some shut eye . oh , its that bar i like . wait here in the car . ow . okay , this might hurt a little . no problem . oh , sweet mother of mary . okay , milhouse , what do you want to do . well , the schools havinga bake sale . old betsyll get us there . we are projecting aneffective stink radius farther than any of uscan kick a kickball . sir , we have to call off this bake sale now . yes , yeswe , have to do something . although , the basketball hoops have been retracted . d . j . fun times has already cashed his deposit , and superintendent chalmers wont be happy to hear i wont be happy tohear what , seymour . um , that , uh , bake sale revenue projections are through the roof . im very happy to hear that . you dont know me at all . we have to find those bullies before the bake sale starts . martin , run a top down search on the school security grid . will do , and you chose the perfect person . the stink bomb . i cant let anyone see it . martin , anything . i wish . this is as boring as mainstream cinema . so true . cops . act natural . hello , officer . oh , afternoon , maam . what is it about a woman in a dumpster . wait . mr . simpson . my cake . theyre gonna wish the bake sale was a nose plug sale . and it totally isnt . teens . in willies hidey hole . ill mop up your blood from the inside . we have a fire alarm in the ventilation room . ill check it out . skip , to my lou top of the morning , nelson . and to you , martin . skip to my lou , my darling . hey , nelson , what gives . martin just skipped past you singing skip to my lou , and you did nothing . cant a guy enjoy a catchy tune . ow . ow . im unclear on what you want . is martin working for jimbo . uh ow . yes . yes what . ow . yes , sir . lisa , are you on a secure line . i am . youre on a bluetooth cell phone , the most vulnerable device known to man . but it looks so cool . listen , theres a mole inside ctu . a mole .  . yes , a mole . now , i dont have much time , so im just gonna come right out and say his name , so get ready to know his name . his name is the following m skip , to my lou . rice krispie treats .  . way to phone it in , sarah wiggum . excuse me , excuse me , im in the sale . im in the sale . okay , i kept my end of the deal . release my friends . all here , from asimov to zarathustra . wheres phobos .  . hes with us now . were out of here . smell you later . three minutes later , to be exact . what have i done . raisin cake . who wants raisin cake . dont worry , its not too moist . hmm . can i have some more money . i gave you ten dollars . all the other moms gave their husbands twenty . well , all the other husbands dont come home dirty from fighting . i had to fight . lenny said his dad is hulk hogan , and i know hes not . heres five more dollars . bart , are you all right . bart .  . hey , im fine . they havent made a french horn yet that can hurt me . now , im sending you a picture of the bomb . my god . thats a class fives tench dispersal unit . we have to shortout that fan . h . d . w . whats that . thats the main valve of the hot dog water recirculation system . theres over years of wiener soakings in there . lis , you have to release that water . its the only wayto short out the fan . but you and willie will drown . possibly , but i cant risk superintendent chalmers finding out about finding out about what , seymour . um , about how early press coverage of the bake sale is uniformly positive . once again , you have thoroughly misgauged my response . this is going on your permanent record . the hot dog waters going to push us into the fan . and i just sharpened those blades . skip to my loumy darling . bart , ive got an idea . as youre dying , jam the blades with your spine . keep pitching . ill be back . look . a window to a childs watery grave . dont worry , ill free the boy . damn it . this glass is bulletproof . theres nothing that can shatter it . yes , there is . huh . oh , a thermos . with seven cups of coffee still in it . oh , wait , six . dad , thats a bomb . here . its yours . how do i stop it . oh , thats convenient . thank goodness this crisis was averted . nicely done , lisa . hey , what about me . i almost died , and so did willie . oh , leave me be . i dont want to live if i have to clean up this mess . oh , my special little guy . im so glad youre okay . oh , im just glad you taste like hot dogs . good work , lisa . what about me . bart simpson , minutes ago , you made an annoying prank phone call to me . all units , move in . i pulled every single field agent off all other cases to track you down and bring you to justice . it was a tough decision , but i think i made the right call . its okay , that was shelbyville . springfield . time for the family portrait . lets bunch together now . here we go . move it . perfecto . everybody smile . im going to set the automatic timer . almost ready . here we go . lets get this show on the road , man . we got things to do . yeah , dad . okay , here we go . make room for jumbo . whatd you say . nothing . all right everybody , squeeze in real tight . i want to get us all in the picture this time . closer . closer . okay , hold still . this is the last picture on the roll . praise the lord . watch your mouth , you little smart ass . yeah , bart . nothings going to ruin this one . the timers a ticking . barts making faces , dad . bart . this ones going to be the simpsons at our finest . smile , look cheerful . here we go . here we go . here we go . why , you little the simpsons x you kent always says what you want transcript e sychfix supersimo revisione supersimo kitty cat . elmo . watering can . this is a nightmare . were getting blown out of the water . uh , what can i say . maggie and i share a special bond . school bus . bart and lisa . bart and lisa are almost home from school , and we have a dentist appointment at . thanks , maggie . we win by forfeit . the sweetest win there is . it wont start . ill just use homers aaa card . american applesauce association . were going to have to run . there isnt even time to stretch my quads . my quads . every stride is a nightmare . how you holding up , maggie . nooooo . sorry , . hey , marge . oh . ah . oh . oh . were gonna make it . marge simpson , i just heard the most delicious piece of gossip . tell me later . oh , hi , kids . youre just in time to go to the dentist . dentist . you said we were going to ride dirt bikes around the cemetery . oh , bart , you fall for that every six months . hey , suckers , check it out . marge is taking me to ride dirt bikes at the cemetery . youre going to the dentist , too , dad . why the cemetery , i wondered , but my dreams were too strong . ahhhh mr . simpson , have you been flossing regularly . absolutely . all the time . i go to the floss store and theyre like , whoa , there he is again . cause i buy so much floss . lets just get started . oh , my god . my gums . they hurt so much . i havent started yet . i know , but a breeze from the window went in my mouth . you butcher . dont worry , sweetie . im sure that man has some special tooth problem . i dont even have a special tooth problem . this is just a routine checkup . oh , the bib is choking me . its over . that wasnt so bad . this tape explains oral hygiene in a way thats exciting for kids . the u . s . dental association presents menace tooth society . damn , baby got bacteria . want to stick it to these whiteys . hey , im down with opp ongoing periodontal problems . break it down . hey , you low life degenerates , stop illin with the fillin . luda crest . im the enemy of the cavity unstoppable like gravity so brush with regularity or you will face calamity ill see ya in atlanta , ga dirty , mouth , yall . this film is against tooth decay , but it also kind of glamorizes it . mixed signals , hmm this is the greatest movie ever . dad , thats ludicrous . i have a right to my views . no . i mean chris ludacris bridges , right here in the dental plaza . hey , man , that video was made for a onetimeonly showing in canada , understand . do ya . im sorry . there must have been some sort of misunder expect a letter from cap in the ass productions and its head legal counsel , ms . melissa burlingame . peace out . heres a free toothbrush . keep those teeth clean . so youre saying i should do your job for you , at home , for free . you wish . okay , principal skinner , i want you to relax . just lie completely at ease while i administer the nitrous . i shall . the dentist will be here in a minute . hell know exactly what hes doing . dont resist in any way . good afternoon , principal stinkface . dr . bart . lets see according to your charts , youre due for your annual throat scraping . uh oh, , im feeling a lot of cooties down there . we may need to replace a tooth . now rinse . finally , im going to take an x ray , so lie perfectly still for minutes . don you love that clean mouth feeling . sure do . lets go get ice cream . i cant wait to get the freshness out of my mouth . im going to glue my mouth shut with butterscotch . oh . yay . what the hell is a fundae . its a sundae thats fun . i like that , but im on a bit of a health kick . so ill take the low fat vanilla with the following mix ins snickles , gooey bears , charlottesville chew , nice n many , kat kit , herschels smooches , mrs . bad bar , and mi dudes . cup or cone . uh cone . congratulations . you just purchased the one millionth ice cream cone sold by this store . oh , my god , this is amazing . wait , im gonna be driving . ill go for the cup . dad . fine , cone . whats this .  . tonight onsmartline , a provocative discussion of the middle east .  . will not be featured . instead , well be talking to a man who bought an ice cream cone . thats me . of course that has nothing to do with the fact that this station and the ice cream company are owned by the same corporation , but i digress . all right , lets just get through this . mr . simpson , tell us how it felt when you bought the fateful treat . ive never been to war , but i imagine it feels just like your first kill . the happiness swept me away . that hurt like a whatd i miss . kent brockman said a horrible swear . which one . uh , ill etch a it for you . etch sketch etch sketch shake it . shake it . it wont come off . wheres the hammer . earlier , on this broadcast i said a word so vile it should only be uttered by satan himself while sitting on the toilet . i apologize , and will make a large donation to charities that fight teen cursing . good night . dont seem so mad . uh , excuse me , sir . did you see my broadcast tonight . oh , god , no , i get my news from the internet like every other normal person under . farewell , dinosaur . no one saw my show . so , no one heard my filthy faux pas . my career is safe . well , the important thing is we got through this crisis together . that makes us friends , right . uh , hey , look , its the airport bus . you should get on it . okay . america west , please . i cant believe kent brockman got away with it . back in my day , tv stars couldnt say booby , tushie , burp , fanny burp , water closet , underpants , dingle dangle, , boston marriage , lbj , titica , hot dog , or front lumps . im not sure brockmans out of the woods yet . there are a lot of religious watchdog groups out there keeping the world safe from the horror of free expression . you mean there are losers who spend all day watching tv looking for stuff to complain about . whod be lame enough to do that . okay , smallville super dog licks himself . that definitely goes in the naughty pile . questionable pants fold . the l word used the l word . and now to peruse the local news . the happiness swept me away . oh , that hurt like a gods least favorite word uttered on the public airwaves . to online christian soldiers . subject televised super swear . daddy , what are you doing . imploring people i never met to pressure a government with better things to do to punish a man who meant no harm for something nobody even saw . thats what im doing . daddy , we think you need a new mommy . first things first . the federal communications commission announced today it will launch a full inquiry into garbage tongued anchorman kent . brockman .  . in a related story , channel six will demote brockman to weekend weatherman .  . dear god , this cant be happening . its a glorious day here in springfield . light winds , low humidity . now , lets check the five day forecast . what the .  . even the map thinks you stink , kent . in breaking news , the fcc has just handed down a record ten million dollar fine against channel six for kent brockmans shameful swear nami . ten million dollars .  . looks like newshound , the channel six mascot , is gonna have to go without his lazy eye surgery . sorry , boy . no , im over here . over here . i got a treat for you . oh . now hes gonna starve . proud of yourself , kent . kids , your old pal krusty has had to make a few cutbacks because of a huge fine levied against the station . thats a bad thing . anyway , we cant afford to pay the voice actors on ltchy and scratchy , so im doing the voices myself . roll it . im a cat walking down the street , swinging my arms . look , a lady made of dynamite . wait , i dont know that yet . how about a smooch . kablooey . here comes the mouse , whats his . that was me that done that . but it aint enough , so heres this . thats what you get for , uh , i dont know , messing with my wife . and it goes on . damn that brockman . there are only two rules in tv dont swear , and dont whip it out . its not rocket science . kent , can we talk . im not fired , am i . no , this station stands by its reporters . say , whats that powder in your coffee . is it cocaine . no , its splenda . spare me your slang , pusher man . youre fired . haw , . your distinguished career is over . marge , the couch is lumpy . thats because youre sitting on me , you lummox . kent brockman . i invited him to stay with us for a few days . his career is ruined . and i was afraid he might commit you know . im sorry , marge , but i wont live under the same roof as a member of the liberal media . youll have to excuse him . hes been watching a lot of fox news . did you know that every day mexican gays sneak into this country and unplug our brain dead ladies . we have to take in mr . brockman . he wouldnt be in this mess if you hadnt dumped coffee on his lap . oh , sure , put down a simple guy like me , who works hard and plays by the rules . dad , you barely go to work at all . and youre constantly flouting the law . im willing to change my mind and that makes me great . you can stay . but you have to give us an x for our wall of casual acquaintances who came to stay for a while . apu sang a song . what are you gonna do . can strippers run their own airline . find out tonight on foxs newest reality hit , landing strip . ladies , check out what i can do with the oxygen masks . what a great show . real people with real problems . this is fox news with the latest liberal outrage . it seems liberals want to give nasa the right to abort space missions whenever they feel like it . liberals i hate them so much . one thing ive always wondered , how can fox news be so conservative when the fox network keeps airing raunchy shows . they dont fit together . liberals hate families . liberals fox deliberately runs shows that will earn them huge fines which are then funneled through the fcc straight to the republican party . everybody in the media knows it , but no one has the guts to say it . not true . youve got the guts , and ive got a web cam . this time you can tell the truth . and swear like a lumberjack who hacked off a leg . lets do it . whoo hoo . liberals . whoo hoo . here we go . four , three , two good evening . thank you for inviting me into your laps . friends , the press and the government are in bed together in an embrace so intimate and wrong , they could spoon on a twin mattress and still have room for ted koppel . journalists used to questions the reasons for war and expose abuse of power . now , like toothless babies , they suckle on the sugary teat of misinformation and poop it into the diaper we call the news . demand more of your government . demand more of your press . fellow primate , this is a wake up call . vote out your so called representatives . reject your corporate masters . buy nothing . hug your children . love the one youre with . look at that rabble rouser . hes threatening our ill gotten gains . galdarn it . i worked hard to ill get those gains . how do we stop him . i could dracula bite him . actually , krusty and ive been working on a plan to take out brockman . you want to start . no , why dont you start . oh , but youre so good at starting . you really think so . oh , i know so . go on . all right . do you think theres something going on between those two . to find out , i could turn myself into a bat and follow them around . oh , you couldnt even get our pizza orders right . every order is half this , half that , its confusing . kent , your righteous political commentary rocks . yeah , you know how many stars out of five i gave the youtube of your webcast . five . and i never give five . its true , he never does . mr . brockman , youre a huge hit . really . how wide is the web . world . wow . kent , we want to offer you your old job back with a pay increase . lisa , close your eyes for two seconds . one , two i held out as long as i could . i guess theres just no place for truth and bravery in todays media . true , but theres room for the truth in this household . do you want to hear something really bad kent told me about the fox network . of course . gosh , dad , your hands are shaking . i know . cause this ones really , bad . for years now , fox has been programming shows that the whole family can enjoy . oh , my god . you dont suppose theyre gonna start entertaing america with hits like house , american idol and american idol results show . im afraid they might . but i will not be silenced . the truth is okay . springfield . oh . commentator we got a real nail biter here at mile high stadium . the broncos down by one , and come on , broncos , you can do it . and im joined in the broadcast booth by the stars of abcs latest reality show billionaire versus bear . lets review the easy to rules of your show . each of you thought you were in a race to plant the taco bell flag at the north pole . what you didnt know is , the race was a chase spiced up by the presence of the betrayer . well , now , the bear has a surprise for you . hes not really a bear , hes a tiger . oh , lookie there . denver just won the ballgame . oh , the broncos won . why didnt i bet on them like professor pigskin told me to . whos professor pigskin . hes a pig who can predict football winners in advance . how is that possible . because hes got something no gamblers ever had . a system . ive gotten the pamphlet four weeks in a row and every time , the pick of has been right on the money . oh . i get it . every week , they send out two pamphlets , half picking one team and half picking the other . eventually , theres a small group of people who only receive the correct predictions and think professor pigskin is always right . thats when they ask for your money . i have money . dad , its a scam . a scam . not according to eddie f . from tucson , or football millionaire in beloit , michigan . look , all im saying is , you really should think twice before expiration date , oh , professor pigskin told me to bet on the raiders , but they look awful . and with starting players out with the flu , the oakland raiders have turned to drunks conscripted from local bars . spare some change , football dude . now , you have a good day . dad , how much money did you bet . hey , i didnt bet any of our money . i just borrowed some from him . dont worry . we can hammer out a payment plan . ow . its not my fault the raiders lost . its professor pigskins . if he mentions that pig again , use two hammers . but the pig ow . ow . now , i do have a way we could settle this debt . we would like to use your home to shoot an adult film . yeah , its called lemony lick it a series of horny events . marge would kill me . please . theres got to be something else i can do . like mow your lawn every week for two weeks . i cant do it next week . ow . all right . you can shoot your gay adult film at my house . i didnt say anything about gay . i thought you guys were the gay mafia . ow . oh , theyre shooting an adult film at my house tomorrow . how am i gonna get rid of marge and the kids . well , i got these free tickets to santas village . i know a guy who turns the dead sleigh horses into jerky and sells it to bars . ugh . thanks , moe . why would we want to go to santas village . its august . i want to see santa . he can explain why he gave me a playstation box with nothing inside but a coloring book . it got your hopes up , didnt it . homer , before i take the kids i want you to swear youre not up to something . i swear . and id also like to know why your hand is in that cast . because you look even more beautiful now than the day i married you . aw . welcome to santas village , where its christmas every day . closed on christmas . those reindeer look really uncomfortable . thats because they dont thrive in this environment . watcha reading , santa . torn clancys op center . you dont seem very jolly . well , santa got some bad medical news . okay and , action . weve been on this spaceship for a hundred years . when will we ever get to planet satisfaction . hey , homer , we wow . angela dare . sultry stevens . yeah , what is this , a reunion of fahrenheit . guys . get out of here . homer , howd you ever get marge to go along with this . look , if you promise never to tell her , ill let you be in the movie . we just came over to borrow a board game , but okay . ive always dreamed of working in an adult film . ill run the sound board . and ill perform in the sex scenes . merry christmas . im your old pal frosty the snowman . in your dreams . frosty . wheres your magic top hat . oh , god , please dont tell mr . roselli i lost my hat again . my christmas present to myself this year was leaving that place early . mom , i got a rash where the reindeer licked me . huh . when they put santa in the ambulance , whyd they pull the blanket all the way up over his head . look , i know this wasnt the greatest outing but your father meant well , so dont let him know that we didnt are you guys almost done . listen , i got a tattoo of foghorn leghorn on my right thigh . are we gonna get into any trademark or copyright issues here . cause we could put a band aid on it and say my character just got stabbed . relax , three guysll put their hands on it , okay . now , everybody is very much in love . and , action . homer . is this a snuggle film . er youre in the wrong house , lady . how could you allow this . in the room where we do puzzles . oh , uh uh . honey , please , just listen to what i have to say . all right . lowed the mafia money . oh . where are you going . away from you . when will you be back . i dont know . whos going to watch the kids . you are . me . but im the father . boy , homer , ive never seen mom this mad . honey , come back . you didnt say bye to the kids . marge bye , bart . i love you , lisa . sleep tight , maggie . todays the last day you can eat the yogurt in the fridge . well , we better go eat that yogurt . kids , im sure , your mother will be back soon . she should be back now . its dinnertime . look , weve been down this road before . i do something stupid , your mom leaves , we eat waffles . were out of waffles . all we got is ketchup . you mean homers famous marinara sauce . no , i mean ketchup . wheres your sense of magic and wonder . come on , marge . when are you going to call . let it ring , play hard to get . thats hard enough . oh , my darling , i love you . please forgive me . moe hey , homer . moe , what are you calling me for . you told me to call . you wanted to see if your phone was working . but what if marge tries to call while im talking to you . aint you got call waiting . of course , i have call waiting , you idiot . i just never learned how to use it . uh oh, , i might have broken the phone . i better call moe . oh , hey , homer . moe , will you get off the line . i guess i better tell them im coming home . oh , marge , what a pleasant surprise . im at a rest stop south of springfield . i know . youre sorry now . then youll buy me some kwik e flowers maybe a box of candy , where half the pieces mysteriously have testing bites , and a week later youll be back to your old thoughtless self . no , its not going to be like that , i swear . ew . lemon cream . youre going in the marge pile . i mean , i love you so much . yeah , i love you , too . hold on . ill be off in a minute . listen , buster , i had to buy a club soda i didnt want to get change for this phone . an oogly boogly . be still . dont give it the phone . settle down , sugar plum . look what daddys got in his pocket . yummy , kelp  good girl , yes , . this animal means you no harm . shes a sweet old florida manatee , also known as a sea cow or dugong . homer hello , marge , where do we keep the socks that dont smell like feet . ill call you back . im dr . caleb thorn and i would do anything to protect a manatee except harm another manatee . what if by harming a manatee you could save two manatees . but before you answer , consider this . the manatee youd have to harm is pregnant . those are the questions that keep me up at night . i see a manatee the needs a hug . oh . homer hello , marge . does the pizza guy take a check . if so , where do we keep the checks . and lastly , how do you write a check . i think the worst part was when i realized that homer lied to me . from what youve told me , it sounds like what your husband did was nothing new . exactly . i have a saying which goes , you cant teach a manatee any tricks . maybe you could just put a hat on him and say its a trick . my point is homer is the exact same man you married and if theres a problem here , its that you keep expecting him to change . huh . marge he cares so much about those doggone dugongs . i wish i felt that kind of passion . maybe i should join him on his mission . hey , lady blue , while youre sitting there staring at the ceiling your boyfriends in the parking lot with his hands in a walrus . yeah , thatll be good for business . got to find your mom . got to find your mom . bart dad , i promise ill be good . can i get out of the dog carrier . it was hard enough getting you in there . im not letting you out . yeah , she came through here . i believe she was looking to rekindle her passion for life . aint that right , victor . yes . seora left for the coast with a rugged , yet sensitive man of science . rugged . is that the same as handsome . oh , no , . handsome means he look at himself in the mirror all day . rugged means you look at him . oh . okay , water monsters , be friendly but not too friendly . what do i do . talk to it . let it know youre not a threat . okay . you know , up close , youre kinda cute . aw , youre a good thing . i know it . let me clean out your ears . ive bonded with him . where is he taking me . to his underwater palace . just kidding . its a lagoon full of bugs . dad , i dont think were gonna find mom today . and im sick of eating at restaurant chains i never even heard of like skobos and dim willies . lisa ugh . okay , kids , well stop for the day . i have cousins near here . well stay with them . country cousins . are they rubes . cause i dont cotton to rubes . oh . the rubiest . oh , look , a new restaurant chain . whoo hoo . can we say its my birthday and get free stuff . well say its all our birthdays . cousin homer , how are you . and this must be bart and lisa . well , arent you nice looking kids . hey , do you folks want to see a quilt thats been in our family for five generations . i warned you he was an idiot . well , all i need is some moonshine and someone playing the harmonicky and im as happy as a pig in plop were having lasagna and caesar salad . dont laugh . theyre doing the best they can . so , homer , how are you . just great . things couldnt be better . and how is our lovely marge . she , uh , was killed by a falling air conditioner . oh . why , thats terrible . oh , er , it wasnt all bad . as part of the settlement , her funeral was air conditioned . now if youll excuse me , i have to use the outhouse again . well , we dont have an outhouse . my recording studio . so how are we related again . our dogs are brothers . bart oh , yeah . i see mom . ive got my groove back . weve got to tell dad . where is he . oh . you lost that first game to hustle me . i cant believe how many manatees we saved today . and the ones we cant save , we put to good use . hmmm . what am i supposed to do , bury them at arlington . marge . homer . these are for you . oh . listen , i thought about what i did . and it was really , wrong . im sorry . homie , i accept your apology . i love you , marge . but im not coming back yet . ive found a place where im needed . youre needed at home . and treated like i deserve . youre needed at home . im sorry , home . i just cant find it in my heart to come back right now . well , thats very reasonable . you stole my wife . ill kill you . homer , i have no interest in stealing your wife but marge is getting something from her work with me . something a strong , passionate woman like her needs . a purpose . wow . i can see why she loves you . she doesnt love me . shes just trying to find herself . you know everything . i dont know everything . im just a man . and what a man . okay , the key to this thing is the manatees . is marge saving them or killing them . saving . okay . to save the manatees , i guess i could donate my time and money and help them build a screw that . dad . those jet skiers are headed right for a herd of manatees . check out those gentle , exotic sea creatures . lets whomp em . man , i just wish we could see their tears . why dont you pick on someone your own size . they are roughly our size . in fact , theyre bigger than us . look , if it were up to me id be harassing them with you . if anything , id be the guy who took it too far . but i love my wife and i want to win her back . youre a brave man . and we respect two things , bravery and tattoos that look like barbed wire . lets go . rubes . what did you call us . catch me if you can . manatees . defend . attention jet skiers . i have a court order here requiring you to vacate these waters . no court orders gonna tell me what to do . oh , man . its notarized . lets boogie . homer , are you okay . how many fingers am i holding up . poor dumb country mouse . cant even count . my sweet , homie . you sacrificed yourself for the manatees . oh . rubes . so many rubes pounding me with their jet skis . rubes please , no , rubes . im gonna take you home and fix you up , cause youre the real endangered species , a devoted husband . marge , im always amazed you chose me . and i always will . whoo hoo . im starting to think i should find a woman . yeah , miranda was nice , but im not driving to corpus christi every time she needs a light bulb changed . amen . hey , since we got the kids with us , why dont we all take a few days of much needed rr . dont you have to be back at work . yes . but ive got a friend who owes me a solid . smithers , who is this barrel chested go getter . i believe its a manatee posing as homer simpson , sir . thats cute . i think this is the beginning of a beautiful friendship . actually , sir , i believe hes about to die of dehydration . good heavens . grab a sponge , man . oh you might not ever get rich but let me tell you its better than digging a ditch there aint no telling who you might meet a movie star or maybe even an indian chief working at the car wash working at the car wash , yeah . come on and sing it with me , car wash sing it with the feeling now , car wash , yeah come some of the work gets kind of hard this aint no place to be if you planned on being a star let me tell you its always cool and the boss dont mind sometimes if you act a fool at the car wash whoa , talking about the car wash , yeah . come on yall and sing it for me car wash , whoo hoo . car wash , yeah . springfield . oh . homer . do something about the noise . its am , what are they cock a doing . flanders , i cant listen to your crap before my coffee . okily dokily, , heres some french roast . now , ill go make toast . stupid best friend flanders . bart a stamp museum . oh . stamps . those are for snail mail . stamps rule . i mean suck . well , they cant just start building in our neighborhood without asking us . whatever happened to please and thank you . i think they killed each other . you know , one of those murder suicide deals . we have to stop all this construction . the noise is jiggling my grapes to the bottom of the jell o . what man would want you now . two , four , six , eight , i hate stamps , they arent great . okay , how about this . seven , four , three , one oh , wait , thats my pin number . everyone , forget that . man tell me over and over and over again , my friend ah , you dont believe whoa . again . again . whoa . again . again . thats enough . dont you understand what im trying to say . cant you feel the fears im feeling today . if the button is pushed come home from iraq , my wife says . fallujahs too dangerous , my wife says . whoo hoo . tell me over and over and over again , my friend . all right , homer . you beat those stamp nazis with good old fashioned american complaining . homer , if it werent for you , wed be at the mercy of weekend philatelists . you know , why didnt you just say stamp collectors . cause im tired of dumbing myself down for you . the postal service is sending a change of address card to itself . the stamp museum will now be built on the site of the springfield cemetery . the cemetery will be moved right here , next to the simpsons . instead of a stamp museum , well be next door to a graveyard . look at the bright side , marge . when i die , you can mourn me from the bathroom . thats multitasking . hmm . hmm . this is a little too spooky for me . i dont even like watching the count on sesame street . one coconut , two coconuts , three coconuts go back to your own country . this stinks . my room is the only one that faces that cemetery . then the zombies will eat you first , and you wont have to watch them eat us . thanks for making me feel better . well , thanks for making me feel better , knowing that your screams when the zombies chomp your brains will warn me so i can get away . theres no such thing as zombies . ugh , glad to hear you say that , because the person who doesnt believe in zombies is always the first to get feasted upon . stop scaring me . bart , dont you have homework to do . yeah , and i could really use your help . i believe in science and reality , not ghosts and monsters . can i sleep with you guys tonight . oh , sure you can , sweetie . just dont make a habit of it . okay , just let me clear some space . homer out you go . you , too . mmm , so thats why ive been smelling margaritas at am . hey , i love waking up drunk in the morning . ow . lisa , honey , i know last night was tough , but all our kids sleep by themselves . we dont even hear maggie cry at night anymore . wait a minute , theres no batteries in this thing . i needed them for my remote control helicopter . tonight , i want you to really try to sleep in your own bed , because homer , stop that . theres a little plastic man in your hair , and im trying to rescue him . no soldier left behind . homer , can you help me out here . lisa , honey , if you sleep in your own bed tomorrow , well do something special . just for you . well , i heard they finished the stamp museum . that could be fun . i cant believe it took us why cant they build a stamp museum closer to our house . dad , you fought tooth and nail to get it away from our house . lisa , when youve sustained as many blows to the head as i have consistency is something , that something i love you , bart . isnt this lennys house . hey , simpsons . thatll be oh , i thought it was . yeah , thats per axle . park over there in carl four . no early outs . i cant believe youre making money off this . oh , yeah . living next to the stamp museum is making me a mint . i bought a diamond for my belly button . you guys need water . no ones gonna pay a buck to drink water from your hose , so doh . pay the man , homer . wow , look at all these worthy americans . my name is frederick ives . i invented the halftone printing process . thanks to me , katherine blodgett , we have nonreflecting glass . yeesh . butter face . and im alexander graham bell , inventor of the telephone . you stole it from me , elisha gray . read the patent number , bitch . the land of the wild beasts . thats the first book i read all the way through . you read a book all the way through . why . milton burkharts work has touched on every genre from books to films to advertising . all right . commercials . man once upon a time , a bad boy was sent to bed without any dinner . but then , something magical happened . huh . ls this the land of the wild beasts . no , this is the land of the wild feasts . the hillside wrangler steak house . im . steak . im all you salad bar . yo , and im sneeze guard . put it under glass , dawgs . and im jumbo shrimp . maximum two servings . thats bull man . i love you , hillside wrangler . tell us , mr . burkhart , what led you to the magical world of childrens books . i wanted to be a childrens book illustrator ever since playboy wouldnt publish my cartoons because they were too filthy . groundskeeper willie . no , im his cousin , gravedigger billy . ive been digging graves for years , and ive never buried anyone alive . if i did , theyd ring this bell . well , thats just the wind . oh , thats just a tree branch , with a nice watch on it . marge what a lousy party . i dont care what apu was in a past life , in this life , hes a blabbermouth . oh . and that dr . hibbert was so boring . homer , weve got to get that lump checked out . homer , we must discuss your test results . homer , weve got to find you a donor . blah , . blah , . lisa i thought those people were your friends . look whos sleeping in our bed again . i didnt know grownups said bad things about other grownups . you see , sweetie , when a mommy and daddy are married for years and have nothing new to talk about , they bad mouth their closest friends . but i thought it was wrong to talk about people behind their backs . i spy with my little eye a girl whos not sleeping in her room like she promised . i know . im sorry . and i spy with my little eye something with four legs that cant run . homer , were not really playing . oh ls it the chair . exactly . now , what has two ears but cant hear . grandpa . tragically , yes . what if we show lisa we can sleep in her room without being frightened . okay , marge . but dont be surprised if a snuggle monster shows up . well , i hope hes accompanied by the how was your day monster and the foot rub monster , and the let me just dont worry , hes not showing up . boy , lisas room really is scary . now , willie , the pot of gold i saw is right down there . all i see is an empty grave . why dont you fill it , you lazy bastard . finally . back in the only safe bedroom in the house . what about barts bedroom . you know that race car bed i made him . yeah . the brakes are shot . ow , . ow , . lisa , honey , any chance you could stop reading soon . okay , ill watch tv . man now , re run land takes you back to with bonanza . see here , cartwright , your boys have been eating my apples . that doesnt sound like my boys . ill thank you to keep a civil tongue . oh , lisa , do you really want to watch this . mom , i think theres a danger this time they might lose the ponderosa . ow . learn to drive , boy . we need professional help . as a young child , did lisa receive a lot of nurturing . frankly , no . lisa kind of took care of herself . our oldest , bart , was such a handful . did you bring those home movies of your daughter i asked for . uh this is all i could find . homer why you very little homer , stop that . who was filming that scene . stationary camera . i see . mr . and mrs . simpson , to overcome her neglect lisa had to suppress her childhood fears . my ten week program can help her learn to be a kid again . well worth the . four thousand dollars . now , marge , when our little girls happiness is at stake run , marge . start the car . im not chasing you , mr . simpson . and you wont . unless you can leap through fire . i cant keep sleeping in morn and dads room . yeah , if dad rolls over , youre dead . mom showed me how to make a retaining wall out of pillows . but im going to conquer my fears . tonight . i changed my mind . can you please open the gate . hmm . i dont work here . i was just visiting another security guard that died . bye , now . if i can just spend the night here , ill never be scared again . and , boy , youre free to go home whenever you want . hi , dr . nick . hi , everybody . i mean , im not dr . nick . im dr . octopus . ha . im going to get you , spidey . then i will have upside down kiss with mary jane . huh . bye , dr . nick . bye , lisa . and remember , you have a checkup next thursday . we dont go to you anymore . we have a better doctor . oh , congratulations . boys , that grave robber could be anywhere . the most vital thing is that we stick together . wait . where did everybody go . okay , this is it , clancy . no squad car , no backup , legs cramping in fear . sweat in my eyes and groin id better get out of this damn cop uniform before someone takes a shot at me . there we go . oh , hey , theres my walkman . you know , i actually got into law school , but i just couldnt afford it . quiet , i hear something . yeah , thats my life slipping away . okay , got to keep calm . if scooby doo has taught me anything , its that the only thing to fear are crooked real estate developers . whoa . wheres lisa , boy . this books going to solve all her problems . well , if youre looking for lisa , she said she was going to spend the night in the boneyard out back . the cemetery . and youre just sitting here . i figured the best thing i could do is monitor the news for any reports . youre watching cartoons . just the show for me . tim tom tabby is a curious cat . went to see the queen in a velveteen hat . oh . this is so boring . shh . hey , mom , can we have fried chicken for dinner . both lisa . both lisa . dont worry , were not evil spirits . although , if we were evil spirits , wed probably assume the shape of your parents . homer . marge , we owe her the truth . there , dear . grandma will protect you . but i aint grandma . whoa , . lisa , meet your new husband . i made us a dream house out of slime . i dont know howl reproduce , but well have a great time figuring it out . where am i . welcome to the land of wild beasts , little girl . not scared . not scared . for gods sake , girl , youre eight years old . its natural for you to feel scared sometime . but im too smart to get scared . lisa , everybody gets scared no matter how old or how smart they are . in fact , im scared of her . no , youre afraid of intimacy . thats because i know after we mate , youll eat me . your brother didnt seem to mind . you know , you monsters seem scary , but when you get a little closer youre just funny . but wait . how am i supposed to sleep with that spooky cemetery outside my window . you could just draw the blinds , you silly goose . or get a night light . my dad says theyre too expensive . for gods sake , theyre four bucks apiece . i could slime your dad , just like i slimed us a paris honeymoon . i think ill be okay by myself . what is it about slime that chicks dont dig . bye , guys . youve really helped me a lot . bye bye, , lisa . bye , lisa . see you soon . see you soon . were always just a concussion away . lisa , honey , please wake up . if you do , ill get you a new pony . new pony . this is still part of your dream . dreaming now youre awake . oh . sweetie , were going to get you home and straighten out all these fears you have . i think im going to be fine . lets get some breakfast . chief , its light out . you can open your eyes and come down . i dont want to , lou . ive got a pizza bagel for you . lets roll . springfield . ha ha . and now let us bow our heads in silent prayer . maggie . thats not what you do with a hymnal . homer . what . i forgot to floss this morning . oh , somethings wrong with maggie . we should get her to dr . hibbert . but i dont see him anywhere . the hibberts now attend a more boisterous house of worship . let the light all shine on . from the lighthouse all shine on . shine on me all shine on shine on me all shine on in the morning this is awesome . black god rules . shine on oh , let it shine on um , dr . hibbert . mmm hmm . i hate to interrupt while youre rejoicing but maggie is terribly itchy . mmm hmm . oh , this looks to be the initial stages of chicken pox . say amen . amen . coat maggie with this calamine lotion and the scabbing will heal . the scabbing will heal . all the scabbing will heal . heal my scabs , lord . praise the lord . i can walk again . hmm what . my foot fell asleep . sweetie , i know it itches . but youve got to stop scratching . no . no . here . here , play with your teddy bear . sugar booger . aww , poor maggie . homer , dont touch her . youve never had chicken pox . i know . and you did . and youre great . oh , im just saying its very dangerous if you get it as an adult . it can leave you sterile . down there . you always gotta work blue , dont you , marge . youre better than that . cant even go in my own kitchen . bet barts in there right now licking frosting off my eggbeaters . mmm . dont worry , dad . im saving one for you . ill just leave it here in the dogs mouth . no . bart . thats a really bad storage area . hey , homer . why the sour puss . did you chug a a skunky snapple . i dont know . maybe . plus , my wife wont let me inside because the babys got chicken pox . really . do you mind if i bring my boys over so she can infect rod and todd . then therell be a pox on both our houses . why would you do that . are you a bad parent . au contraire , man with no hair . you see , rod and todd could only get the chicken pox once , and childhoods the safest time . so you want maggie to infect your kids . you betcha . in fact , some parents have been known to hold pox parties so other kids in the neighborhood can get the disease when they please . and would they pay handsomely for the privilege . they might . youd have to be awfully money grubbing to charge your friends and neighbors . to infect your kids . now featuring the pox box . pox box not recommended for pregnant or nursing women . as with any disease box , results may vary . pox box . welcome to our pox party . save room for punch . maggies bathing in the bowl . hi . luannll pick up milhouse when the partys over . ill just read in the car till then . oh , kirk . come join the parents in the kitchen . were having alcohol drinks and dishing on the parents who arent here . ordinarily , im not the one to laugh at a mans urinary blockage but you shouldve seen oh . there he is . ladies and gentlemen , presenting the sister with the blisters , the tot with all the spots , maggie . i feel like a chicken already . i just made an egg in my pants . hey , marge . hit me with a little hit more of that silly slush . chief , dont you think youve had enough . im fine . watch , i can even touch my gun to my nose . dont worry . im the pief of cholice . i mean , im the beef with no cheese . why doesnt lou like me . why . knock knock . luann . what are you doing here . i thought you were just dropping milhouse off . i could get some coffee and come back . no , . you stay . ill just drive home . uh , whos gonna let me siphon . why dont you both stay and have one of my marge aritas . all right . i never drank one of these without a cigarette in it . now kids , in lieu of one of those inflatable jumping things , please welcome mr . krusty the clown . hey , kids . this putz only paid for seconds so listen fast . moishe caught the chicken pox , he scratched all night and day . he asked the rabbi what to do and he said time . im outta here . kirk , you look good . have you been working out . well , dogs have been chasing me . no ones been chasing me lately . what happened to your last boyfriend . the one who would always go to the gym after visiting you , then have lunch at that place downtown . you know , his taillights broken . im not seeing him anymore . does that mean that there might be a chance for me . almost anyones got a chance now . goodbye . thanks for coming . if my party made you sick , tell your friends . sweet lizzie mcguire . you think thats traumatic . mr . stomach , are you hungry . im always hungry , now make with the pizza , fatso . youre the stomach . i have to do this for work . so milhouse walks into the bedroom and theres his morn and dad going oh , mr . van houten , i love when you kiss me . yeah , kissing ladies is the best . oh , baby , kiss my mouth . kiss me like were in a fancy hotel . all right , we get ii . marge , whats happening to me . oh , homie , you got chicken pox . but how . i dont know . i kept away from maggie all day . uh . im so itchy . oh . oh , yeah . son , we want to talk to you about what you saw in the simpsons house . well , i didnt see anything to get my hopes up , if thats what you mean . well , maybe you should get your hopes up a little . theyre already up . theyre sky high . your father and i are going through whats called a trial un separation . and son , l want to make one thing clear . unlike the breakup , this is not your fault . i cant believe it . our family might get back together again . our house is a very , fine house with two cats in the yard life used to be so hard now everything is easy cause of you and our la , i havent daydreamed in color in so long . thank god . we were afraid we lost you , son . you sit in this oatmeal awhile and itll send your itchies packin . homer . mmm . homer oats . stop eating the oatmeal . thats the third tub youve eaten . yello . no . im not coming in to work . i have chicken pox . i know i said that last month , but i was lying . jeez . right . right . right . right . okay . right . i love you . bye . i just got fired . better check the want ads . oh . truck driver needed in iraq . trucks are like big cars . okay , luann , for honestys sake , we should probably talk about everyone we dated while we were separated . well , the sea captain and i yeah , okay . i dont want to know . i dont want to know . i dont want to know . so what are we gonna do as a family today . mini golf , pedal boats , indoor rock wall . um , milly botanical garden , build a bear workshop , arena football with the springfield stun . not today , big guy . your dad and i need more time to get reacquainted . why are you laughing . tell me . private jokes are rude . uh , son , heres bucks . why dont you go to the bowling alley and throw some solo balls . but its league night . this trial un separation stinks . my parents used to compete for my love and id cash in every time . and i always got the spillover . drive in movies , two christmases , soda with dinner . we lived like kings . remember when you told my dad to go to bed and he did . that was some new years . now listen . i think we should consider breaking your parents up again . i dont know , bart . ive wanted them back together for so long . look , you know theyre gonna separate again . why dont we just speed up the process . you know , bart . my imaginary friend never made me do things i thought were wrong . thats why he had to go away forever . i thought you were gonna let him come back . im afraid he has to spend another year searching for his brain . luann . im moving my stuff back in . uh dad , mom says youre stinky and gross . your mother said that . this is so great . i mean , she used to keep her criticisms all bottled up until they destroyed our marriage . and i guess i am a little funky . well , this is what cologne samples are for . mom , i dont want to get dad in trouble , but he just let me drink a beer . hmm , looks like we have a problem here . the problem being that you are addicted to fibbing . lam drunk . ill prove it . watch me kiss this picture of nana . i cant do it . shes so mean to me . she wouldnt let me eat froot loops . maybe my mom and dad are meant to be together , bart . youd better hope not , cause you know what comes next . your worst nightmare . a baby sister . hi , bart . i baked you some cookies . skanks for nothing , lame orella . if you two dont mind , id like to watch that cool fox show about teenagers in orange county . austin , i was looking for my belly ring in your recording studio and i found this . does this or does this not belong to feather . sorry , jade . thats how we light it up in the oc . you cheated on me . our mixed race fling is so over . whatever . lets score some jam at knotts berry farm . for sure , dawg . well be kickin it old school at bigfoot rapids . gonna get my flume on , log style . weve been on the run driving in the sun looking out for number one california here we come right back where we started from hustlers grab your guns your shadow weighs a ton driving down the california here we come right back where we started from california . i bet that bra was planted by sterling to break them up . thats a brilliant idea . those tv writers are geniuses . whatever they re paid , its not enough . this bra is really gonna lift and separate . lift your mothers suspicions and separate your parents . luann milhouse , i need slender fingers to get me a pickle . this isnt mine . i have a message for your wife . stop sleeping with my husband . okay doke . and you are . the wife of your wifes lover . does she know what this is regarding . you moron . marge is having an affair with kirk . thats ridiculous . no woman would want to have sex with that loser . and , uh , congratulations on snagging him back . good stuff . just answer me one question . how did your wifes bra end up in my husbands bed . this is marges bra . i bought it for her boobs . of all the people for marge to cheat on , why did it have to be me . oh , boy , am i beat . if you want to return a melon to the grocery store , clear your day . well , that answers the mystery of the missing melon . but i have one more question . did you sleep with kirk van houten . how could you ask me that . i repeat . did you sleep with kirk . homer , youre crazy . youre not saying no . fine . no . im still not hearing no . no , . well , methinks the lady doth protest too much . you dont trust me . after i salved every chicken pock on your ungrateful body . how dare you . im still waiting for that no . get out of this house . gladly . we tried to break up your parents and we broke up mine . wanna call my therapist to tell her how you feel . hello , dr . wexler . dr . wexler stop calling me . im on my honeymoon . yeah , its that weird kid again . dad . i thought mom kicked you out of the house . i came to get my mail . resident . occupant . i cant open these . oh . a traffic ticket . id do anything to get your mother and that donut back . okay , look , you and mom can fix this . what exactly happened between the two of you . lisa , we dont need to know how . its a natural thing that happens , like a hurricane or going to war . hmm well , id better go . where are you staying . you know the four seasons . well , im experiencing them firsthand because im living in the park . bart , i think youre behind this whole thing . yeah , i can see how youd think that . but on the other hand ha . i can read you like a book . ha ha . you read books . if you dont tell mom what you did , i will . aw , come on . wouldnt it be easier if our parents divorced and you compensated by marrying much older men . and meanwhile , ill be one of those weird guys whos and shows up at high school basketball games . why did i marry that selfish jerk . ive asked him to flip the mattress a thousand times and he never does . uh , mom . hi , sweetie . uh , you know that bra that broke up our family . uh huh . well , i looked into it , and it turns out i was responsible . really . well , just for that , im gonna erase all the saved games on your playstation . what . how do you know about things like that . i learned about it in here . ha . but dad can come home , right . no . but hes innocent . innocent . after all i do for your father , he still doesnt trust me . im finished with him . does this mean you and dad might get a d a . young man , you go work on your spelling or ill delete all the custom ring tones from your cell phone . no . our reverse parent trap just made everything worse . maybe we should use a different movie as our guide . like oklahoma . oh , the farmer and the cowman should be friends oh , the farmer and the cowman should be friends one man likes to push a plow the other likes to chase a cow but thats no reason why they cant be friends what do you think , bart . a hoedown could solve all our problems . i just need your chap size . lts two more than your pant size . how many times do i have to tell you no rodgers hammerstein . rodgers and hart . no . well , what will trick your parents into getting back together . lisa enough with the tricks . stupid movie schemes do not work in real life . mom and dad have a marriage on the rocks . and they need to work through it in therapy to make sure it doesnt shatter . rocks . shatter . jagged cliff . lise , youve just given me an idea for the most insane , harebrained , foolproof scheme ever . okay , when my mom and dad see this dummy fall in the river , theyll think its me . and theyll realize what really matters . each other . do you like the dummy , bart . i even made it smell like you . now make sure homer and marge are in proper viewing position . so i got your note saying you wanted to meet here to apologize . well , i got your note saying you were gonna bring me a bucket of potato salad . wheres my apology . wheres my bucket . now ill get mom and dads attention and you shove the dummy in the water . any questions . yeah . what are you going as for halloween . pile of dog doo . lets roll . mom . dad . im playing on a dangerous cliff because youre too busy arguing to pay attention to me . bart . were all disappointed theres no potato salad . but for gods sake , dont jump . now . i cant tell which is which . oh , no . im already running . whoa . i did it , bart . bart . im a comin, , boy . this is all my fault . i planted moms bra on milhouses parents bed . why , you little homer , i can save you both . just let go of the rock . just do it . trust me . okay . mom , dad , id give a kajillion dollars for you to get back together . make it two kajillion . homer . well lose the first kajillion to taxes . well , i guess you showed you do trust me after all . of course i do . the only thing i cant believe is that a woman as great as you would be married to me . aw , homie milhouse i dont want to live in a world without bart . can he swim . what do you think . california . california . here we come . california . here we come . california . here we come . springfield . the highlight so far , a cloud shaped like a giraffe that floated by during the rain delay . oh , would you look at that . the batter just called time out again . now , lets look in the stands at the players wives . well , what do you know . theyre talking on cell phones . no doubt complaining about the good life . this is the most boring game in all the universe . and with all the steroids they take , the players look like freaks . both freaks . freaks . freaks . freaks . freaks . commentator and next week on fox , catch the new oc spinoff , pomona . lts even hotter away from the beach . mmm mmm . if we dont speed up this game , the simpsons halloween special wont air until administrative professionals day . speaking of which , we must remember to get dorothy something . yeah . the boredom is excruciating . fire the accele ray . commentator rodriguez pops it to right field as some sort of accele ray bathes the stadium in an eerie , green glow . who wouldve thunk it . its still boring . faster . but the fabric of the universe itself may shatter . good . only then could the cubs finally win . kodos smooth move , space lax . youve destroyed the totality of existence . kang itll be fine . ill just leave a note . patty , is it you or me who likes grape jelly . for cents off , i love it . hey , lise , i bet i could jump in the swimming pool from here . bart , that would be the stupidest thing you ever did . no , the stupidest thing would be doing it backwards . cowa uh , mom , remember how you wished we would never grow up . im afraid your son is in a deep , coma from which he will never emerge . i guess we should count our blessings hes not dead . dont i know it . this way i get to keep billing you . bart , wake up . i got that bike you wanted . now , marge , if you miss your boy that much , you could replace him with one of these . marge a robot . wow , a robot kid would be a blast . we could confuse him and make his head explode . this statement is a lie . but if its a lie , then it must be true . but if its true , then it must be whoop , kaboom . and a robot would take your mind off your dead son . i thought he was in a coma . theyre pretty much the same thing . except this way i get to keep billing you . you already said that . well , you didnt laugh the first time . okay , your robot son is good to go . you want me to boot him up . okay . ow . mom , that hurt . uh . he knows how to push all my buttons . and heres how to push his . now , im a man who likes to strangle his kids . you think i could sure . let him have it . why , you metal wow . the windpipe is incredibly responsive . yeah . thats the for you . marge david is so helpful . and hes great with the neighbors . hi diddily . theres no bot like a robot . oh . ow . my flander doodles . having a robot brother troubles me . the ethical implications are really tensing me up . goodbye , implications . bunga . what the more waffles , father . nice and hotto , mr . roboto . david , youre by far the best son ive ever had . uh oh . did you replace me with this tinker toy . replace is such an ugly word . we upgraded . bart , we can befriends . eat my shorts . i will comply . mmm . here . make me a kitty . johnny come lately the new kid in town everybody loves you so dont let them down you look in her eyes the music begins to play hopeless romantics here we go again but after a while , youre lookin the other way i hate going to the zoo . i feel so sorry for the animals . lisa , the zoo opens up a whole new world for the animals . in the wild , they would never experience boredom , obesity , loss of purpose you know , the american dream . bart time to get rid of the competition . whoo . thank god i landed in a bunch of fruity birds . this is where stem cell research led us . david and bart just arent working out . we have to do something . hmm homer im really sorry , but our family just cant handle both of you boys  . i hope that somewhere deep in your data banks , you process fond memories of us . the sad part is , there were times when i actually had feelings for you . i almost felt i was your father . what are you talking about . david feels , and your mother will agree when i tell her , that its best for our family if youre no longer in it . were still going to the toy store , right . and i can pick out as many toys as i want . homer no toys . there should be a law against abandoning your child . dont fear us . were gentle robots who were cast off just like you . im not a robot . im human . tell me , young man , what is it like to have feelings . i said im a human , not a girl . uh , i think its about time we all power down for the night . can i stay with you guys tonight . of course . and maybe someday , youll teach us to love . yeah , maybe . what did you used to do . i was a lawnmower . i could cut grass at three different heights but i could not love . i get it . i get it . it sucks to be you . goodnight . goodnight . what the f prompt . our pans are gone . weve been harvested . my servos are gone . that boy screwed us over . he peed on me . you are a urinalbot . lavatron . hey , its bart . super . im home . you told me he was at culinary school . you wanted to believe the lie . time to destroy the one who did this to me . to get me , youll have to go through your fa oh , those were my good pants . well , the important thing is were a family again . this stinks . i got stubby little robot legs and an ass thats not equipped for an adult diet . lisa dad . dad , wake up . youre not a robot . youre just possessed by the devil . the power of christ compels thee . ill call work and tell them he cant make it . woo hoo . suckers . dear homer simpson , mr . burns invites you to a hunting party at his private estate . parentheses , sinister laugh , close parentheses . please dont accept this invitation , dad . hunting is cruel . honey , animals dont feel death . that was proved by the scientists at black angus . no fair . dad gets to kill wild animals . but i shoot one bird , and i have to go to a psychiatrist . he still thinks that hobo was a bird . this is a pretty sweet deal , burns inviting us over . what kind of motive do you think he has . ulterior . mmm . welcome all . now , to explain why i summoned you here . oh , god , here it comes . time share pitch . well , i got bad credit so the jokes on you . youre here to participate in a hunt for the worlds most dangerous game . the most dangerous game . what could it be . hmm . hmm . hmm . hmm . the game im hunting ls all of you . now , because i am too kind , i will give you all a five minute head start . you may commence running . five minutes of running . shoot me now . well , that broke the ice . now any man who lives till noon tomorrow shall win his freedom . excuse me . what gives you the legal right to do this . you tell me . youre my lawyer . well , i guess you are zoned for hunting , and you have previously claimed killing people as part of your religion . i think i can draw something up . there . this should hold up in just about any courtroom . excellent . the game is afoot . i smell fear . mixed with curry . apu uh oh . aah . you got me . but i shall be reincarnated . ha ha . you cant kill a hindu . aah . help me , jesus . announcer youre watching the world series of manslaughter . the most violent tv spectacle since the hip hop image awards . mom , mr . burns is gonna kill dad . i shouldve known something was wrong when we got this weeks tv guide . now for his take on tonights bloodthirsty action , heres guest analyst terry bradshaw . terry . well , conventional wisdom says good fleeing will always beat good chasing . but the stats say put your money on the guy with the gun . dying is just like golfing , except in golf aww . you hate to see that . thats the kind of showboating thatll turn people off this sport . hey , homer . burns is coming . climb up . oh , you fat ass . na na . you missed me . well , before i die , ill just scratch that lottery ticket i got in my pocket . instant jackpot , one million dollars . if i make it out alive , i could homer , burns has only been chasing us for six hours , and youve already resorted to cannibalism . and theres bananas in that tree up there . uh , they look a little green . carl , i see heaven . what does it look like . all hurry up , lenny . well be late for work at the plant . you cant escape me , simpson . you are not smart enough . homer yes , l am . i mean oh , no . ive been killed . outfoxed him with the corpse of my best friend . hee hee . mr . burns cocking gun ahh . is there room in the head bag , smithers . i can make room . excellent . done , and done . marge , you saved me . doh . what was that for . staying out hours and not calling home once . oh , i cant stay mad at you when that pan smells like sausage and onions . mmm and i am glad youre okay . all right . and there you have it . terry bradshaw , your thoughts on what just transpired . well , its a disgrace , roger . this network will show a dozen gruesome murders but i bet they cut to commercial before these two begin the tender act of love . i spoke too soon , huh . there they go . whoa . thats going in my playbook . oh . everyones wearing such an interesting costume . look , grampas a gorilla , sideshow mel is spider man, , and nelsons a raccoon . im not a raccoon . im the lone ranger . im too poor to afford the hat . thats not even a mask . its axle grease . dont listen to him , silver . and now the finalists for best costume . first , we have blacula . oh , because im black and im dracula , that makes me blacula . my wife said , dont go as dracula , but i said , bernice , we live in the st century . send him the standard racist remark apology . theyre in the middle drawer . our other finalist is this hideous witch . congratulations , you have won this kwik e certificate . sucker . twenty five bucks wont buy you half a balance bar . i exaggerate , but really , my prices are very high . thank you . wait . before you leave , wed all like to know which of our beloved regulars you are under that costume . lindsay naegle . helen lovejoy . old jewish man . no . im right here , dressed as my brother irving . every day i miss him . this is a little awkward because im not wearing a costume . im a real witch . wait a minute . thats cheating . burn her gift certificate . since you are not technically in costume , you cannot win this award . rescind my award , will you . youre all gonna pay . taint of mute and scum of pond , thou shalt become the guise thou donned . speak english , moron . im turning you into your costumes . well , are you gonna talk about it or are you gonna do it . whoa . im not a raccoon . im the lone ranger . oh . disco stu wishes hed gone as marilyn mccoo . good luck getting your deposits back on those costumes . seymour , i told you not to go as g . i . joe . mother , im fine . i uh oh . oh , this isnt fair . i wasnt wearing a costume . look at me . im a young , strappin gorilla . ow . my hip , its shattered . somebody help me . off we go to the gorilla hospital . abe thats it , suck out the poison . wait a minute . i am not a happy meal right now . im telling you , im oberon , king of the fairies . youre a big fat bug . and youre going down . my spine is not a scratching post . oh . there must be some way out of this verdammten spell . lisa , you think you could check on your father . oh . thats an excellent use of a genius brain , to look after an idiot head . uh . uh . dammit . thats the answer . maggies a real witch now . she can reverse the spell . i dont want to reverse the spell . i can howl at the moon and eat rats . i dont want to change , either . now i can pull horses out of the mud . then girls will like me . and im jared from the subway ads . im only a little overweight and sexually ambiguous . dont listen to them , maggie . maggie . please change me back . this bumblebee has developed an unhealthy obsession with me . i dont want flowers . i am a flower . as for apu d, , i could go either way . click , oink . homer please change oh , well . this still beats being moe . okay , this concludes this years halloween show . we hope you had as much fun watching our show as the koreans did animating it . but theres one group for whom every day is halloween . im talking about adult illiterates . for them , trying to read the morning newspaper is more terrifying than any goblin , ghoul , spook , or spirit . so wont you please donate a childrens book or something . together we can make reading a slam dunk . dennis rodman . what are you doing here . working off a speeding ticket . happy halloween , everybody . springfield . ever since i was a little girl , ive wanted to ride that ferris wheel . theyre tearing down the pier . but what would junkies do drugs under . dont you worry , son , they are strong people . i wanna ride a bumper cars . whoa , sir , were dismantling this ride . its not safe . i call the red one . homie , no . its not for street . dont worry , mam . hes not connected to the power supplies , so he cant go far . oh , he got us in the corner . i hate this ride . mom , can we buy a magnesium vapor soak tub . for the last time , no . oh . but how will i increase my vitality . hes just faking loss of vitality , reverend . i believe you . a strong man . are you for sale . cause i need someone to throw a bird bath at my neighbor . robusto is not for sale . but , would you like to buy my last dumbbell . mm , i suppose i could use a little toning . ill give you for it . sold . a bicycle built for two . and i could be one of those two . homie , if i buy a bicycle built for two , will you ride with me . marge , i dont hate your mother . i just wont be sad when she dies . i was asking for something . yeah , sure . whatever you want . ill take it . i cant believe i own a tandem bike . you want me to ride a what cycle built for who . a tandem bicycle . when i bought it , you said youll ride with me . oh i was really looking forward to it . bart , howd you like to go on a tandem bike ride with your mom . mom , please . im playing a video game . oh , small hill . pedal , . now , enjoy scenery . enjoy , . maggie , would you like to ride with me . bart , why is your mom riding a two person bike by herself . ha ha . shes lonely . moms dont get lonely . hey mom , wanna go for a ride . id love to . ill be right wait , are you sure youre not just trying to get me make pizza for breakfast . wo ho . pizza for breakfast . mom , i mean it . i wanna ride with you . ill be right down . hello , dominos . what do you mean , youre not opened . no , you call me back during business hours . ill show you whos a recorded message . puddle . im glad i could sharing their fun . well i heard neil young sing about her , i heard neil put her down in the name of the father hey . well i hope neil young will remember , this southern man no need him around . anyhow . mom , whos neil young . he was a singer in the sixties , like the archies and the banana splits . im a little worried . this part of the county is unincorporated . just to be safe , im going to dial on my cellphone . a tea house . wanna go inside . i dont know . think they have video games . no . batting cage . no . rock climbing wall . no . robot musical review . no . zumanity by cirque du soleil . no . bathroom . yes . well , thats really what i need the most . lets go . whoa , mom , i love tea . you havent had any tea . yeah , well i still love this place . good afternoon , madam . oh well , whos your handsome gentleman friend . oh , you . dont do that . that hurts . careful . careful . hey , whats a big idea getting trapped under that thing . aaa , long story . we were trying to impress some girls , and things kinda got away from us . just for the record , i regret nothing . homer , howd your right arm get so strong . just lifting this dumbbell . im pretty happy with this baby . now its lefties turn . oh , no you dont . i just got an idea . listen . what . hey . you .  . what . hey , you . ooo .  . what you aah .  . yes . mom , only we have is carrot sticks and fresh fruit . well , we could bike to the tea shop and have some cake . all right . pedal to the cattle . hey bart , theyre testing me for lazy eye . wanna come with . sorry milhouse , ive got plans . ok . ill bring you back an eye care pamphlet . ok . here comes our victim . let bash his head in . hey moe , i thought you were just gonna hustle him . oh right , i was thinking of another thing i got going . give me a bottle of bourbon . ive got a new liver , and im breaking it in . excuse me , mister bartender sir . may i have a sugar free ginger ale . and , err , make it flat . the bubbles burn my butts . gold darnit , son . what the hell kinda sissy are you . hey , are you calling my life partner a sissy . cause a hundred bucks says he could whoop you in arm wrestling . a texas penny it is . goldangit . ive been played like a dimwits kazoo . yes . homer , we make a dynamite team . ha . with your arm and my head gunk , were going right to the top . this is one texan who dont like when hes made out to be a fool . well , errr .  . what do you like . i dont know good book . long walk on the beach . so , we kinda even things up here . not yet . i wanna play some frisbee . you know honey , i really started to look forward to our little bike rides . me to , mother . oh , such respect . you could grow up to be a doorman . loyal customers , we have been forced to close forever . it seems our cakes were filled with rat droppings . its not that were bad people , we just werent paying close attention . ta ta . what it say . err she died . well bart , i guess thats it . we have to go back to our separate things . hey , we could have tea in my tree house . you , invited me , to your tree house . whoaa . thats like bruce wayne letting his mother to the bat club . so , is that standing water . yeah . you know , that puddle started life as a bowl of cereal . i think i might be able to turn this tree house in to a tea house . mom , this is great . it makes our real house look like a pile of crap . and i throw out all your old comics . mooom . just kidding . todays mom knows to seal em in mylar , so you can never read them again , never ever again . where are you two going . im joining a professional arm wrestling circuit . and how will this affect your job at the power plant . negatively , i assume . oh , well . we have to buy a new tea set . have fun . jeez , she doesnt seem angry or anything maybe she doesnt care anymore . forget about her , homer . shes dead to you now . oo okay . now , forget boredom on the bus , ive got a book of brain teasers here . lets see . oh brothers and sisters have i none , but this mans father is my fathers son . ha aah . screw you , stupid thing . he is my son . that blows . i cant wait to use our new krusty the clown tea service . me neither . oh my god , i took a salesmans pen . ill be right back . green tea , whats that . mr . ts irish brother . earl grey . ill rather have linda grey . is she still alive . whats next . what the hell . im not doing that one . hey , simpson . what do you gonna do with that tea pot . gay out . ill answer for you yes . what . err i just shoplifted this , bad boy . housewards never knew what hit them . why didnt you steal something cool . err because im gonna bring it back , to the store , for store credit . how you gonna get credit without a gift receipt . ass . err well weve seen youre hanging out with your mom , simpson . word on the street is youre a mamas boy . hey . there is no way that bart simpson is a mamas boy . oh bart . arent they jazzy . they match the new curtains were hanging in your tree house . here , try this on . i got you childs large because your tummies getting kinda bloopy from all the cakes weve been having . somebody here likes princess cakes . princess cake . bart , you just got yourself a nickname for life . hey , princess cake . want some princess cake . bart , are you having a fight with your boyfriends . shut up . i dont want your stupid sweatshirt . or your tea set . smashing voids my warranty . have a good life . mom , i only hang out with you because i felt sorry for you . that was weird . will you teach us how to smoke . noo . i cant believe they call me mamas boy . i gotta make this place mine again . its gonna take me weeks to get the booger wall back up . bart . youre not allowed in here . cant you read the sign . you mean this . ay caramba . im worried about mom . shes been sitting there , just petting the dog for two hours . hey , mom . hello , bart . just so you know , i sold our bike . faster . faster . but we have so much fun on that bike . mom , i really did like hanging out with you . you know , theres a karaoke night at school tomorrow . some of the little kids are bringing their parents . do you wanna go . really . can we do a duet . sure , why not . itll be fun . oh , i cant believe marge hasnt called me . maybe i should go home . oh , marge called you , she saidthat she loves you , and she hopes you brake the guys arm so hard that it pokes through his skin . did she say anything else . yes , she said to shut up and stop asking questions and listen to moe . oh , marge , i love her so much . and homer , you gotta keep your head in the game , all right . your first opponent is lefty the righty left right . whoa , he looks tough . yeah , he only lost once . in his fight against illiteracy . i can relate . i fought that foe and lost many times . oh , marge isnt at home . homer , focus . moe , im starting to have grave doubts about this thing ive barely liked in the first place . come on , homer , we can make it all to the quarter finals for the eastern division class b over amateur grouping . sorry moe , the place for my arms is around my wife . homer , come back . homyou got my teeth whitening system in your suitcase . lets see . what would be a good duet , hm just the two uf us , you and me against the world , ebony and ivory . ebony and ivory . im afraid that song is taken by me and my mother . and people say when were on stage , its more like scary oke . scary talented , i assume . im singing a song with bart tonight . capital . my mother and i are been performing together since i was in th grade and its really brought us closer . seymour . where were you . a brightly colored car hurt my eyes . dont worry mother , i have your eye balm in my man purse right here . good boy . you can push your crib in the mommys room tonight . its not a crib , its a cot . if it has a rail , its a crib . where is my john wayne . where is my preries sun , where is my happy ending . where have all the cowboys gone . you know mother , i wasnt sure about tonight . but seeing us dressed the same , really feels right . well im not so sure about the bells on the painters pants . are you kidding , i love my tinkles . next stop on the springfield elementary karaoke showcase is skinner . and mrs skinner . ebony and ivory live together in perfect harmony side by side on my piano keyboard , oh lord , why dont we . ooooo . stop the showcase . mrs . simpson , please . hush up , seymour . shes just saying what were all thinking . mother , what are you doing . dont call me mother , my name is mom . and my son is no mamas boy . bart , youre a wild hack razor , and i dont want to see you turning to that . what . a wall . mom , i thought this is what you want it . your job isnt to worry about me , its to give me things to worry about . hey losers , im gonna do to you , what you did to this songs . interpret them artistically . die , . we were gonna sing my sharona . sweet home alabama , where the skies are so blue . sweet home alabama , lord , i coming home to you . alabama . marge , spending time with you is more important to me than all the pie eating contests in the world . i thought that was arm wrestling . i was in the pie eating contest , then on the way home . now lets go to bed . oh my little pretty one , my pretty one , when you gonna give me some time , sharona . uh , you make my motor run , my motor run , gun it comin off the line sharona never gonna stop , give it up . such a dirty mind . always get it up for the touch of the younger kind . my woo . that song is the pop music footnote . i didnt say stop . m m sharona . springfield . the children , the night holiest of the year tomorrow is fathers day , which makes the vigil tonight for fathers day . joy to the world , a father was born . give me great gifts papa , there is no vigil for fathers day . no vigil fathers day . this means that there no paternal christmas . very well , there are is there a rabbit the superbowl . of course , why not . bart , lisa . we must go to the center commercial before it closes . oh , i can come with you . i know i can not hey , mom , i might have a little money to buy dad a gift . if i give you the money , what the gift comes from you . where you get your money . that is . make your own card . ralph , let me explain again . i give you and you buy a gift for dad . hey , give me that . it is a ticket of . this kid finally refund . very well , ralph , look at what you can do with a bill . go , ralph . a big ticket . a big ticket , ralph . a big ticket cool . that is what i am . and you . i am afraid that the best thing i could find was that . you know , produced the saloperies mass do not what i feel for dad . ill give her a gift that comes from the heart . hello . im looking for something to clean the pipes , foldable , covered with a light duvet . this just arrived from zanzibar . what fathers day super . and now , dad . i hope you will love . i forgot what it was . a friend of leather . there is no limit to what i can do with that . do not fear me , milady , captain superstud dash is here with his small tool . it is the worst fathers day captain , you are so strong . bart is the best gift ive never received . open another gift now would be like to go to a concert jessica simpson after going to the opera . what you , lisa . fuck what is it . unicorns is you and me , dad . ive designed myself . what do you think . a slight twinge in the heart . it is moving . we can not deny it . thank you , baby . you have not loved , is not it . no , its great . i can turn the page now . lisa , honey , i think your father would put the book on the fridge where everyone can see how beautiful it is . oh , is it cabbage . oh , dad how could you . well , its not my fault . magnet rotten . oh , no , what is happy birthday , dad . signed lisa i still do not understand i saw how the injury . this is my day . it will not forget it quickly . i know women . yeah , but i know how returning women . i brought you back even after losing our wedding album in a bet . you what . i mean , ill return . and voila moe with a pretty girl because it is something that happens in real life . hey , moe , one might have to drink . shut up and pass me to other heads of moe . cool , im a street . hey , simpson , are you going to steal the sign . seems that if your name is on a panel , you can take , and the cops can do nothing against that . on the th amendment . well , the panel would look cool hidden under my bed . woah . we should just stop to manipulate kids , right . hey , milhouse . the cool kids go cycling eyes closed . i am cool . i am going . i hebrew school . baruch atah adonai eloheem . melech holom i am sorry to have you made sad , darling but ill show you how mimportent point your feelings . an adult and a baby , please . i am not a baby . a baby is to years . his first words . play the game that is cents less for babies . i prefer not to go rather than lying . how are you . uh its your jacket on back of your chair . look , i stole the panel . look , it was stolen le cri cache it . il me fait peur . stupid father who cares my feelings . oh , lisa , then i temprunter one your crayons . of course , is what all men do , take , and take without attention to feelings and unicorns . here , take my meal too . even while taking my backpack . which of the boys initiated the bag lisa back through my window . oh , it must be a boy , is not it . you do not think a girl can not blow a cable . well , youre wrong . my plaster . lisa i wish in my hand a spine with a sad face on it . do me not to paste it on your record . do me not to paste it on your record . jenlve back do not get me that god forgive me willie , rats were again mchouill cables . leave me in peace . i am pasta ramen . mr and mrs simpson , i am afraid that is a real problem with lisa . your daughter broke a window , overturned wastebasket , and launched a thermos in the street . it can still keep drinks hot and cold . im afraid it keeps more no drink now . i asked the psychologist school enlighten us on the sudden explosion inconveniences of your daughter . i fear that rabies lisa comes from an extraordinary disillusionment due to a parent figure . in this case , his father . ho , of course , it is easy to blame me . its harder to close . as shown in testing your daughter , this is not a new trend . the thanksgiving with dad in the cabbage left in the grand canyon the day is a policeman come to my football tournament . mr simpson , lisa is at a junction cruel . if she does not see his father as a positive model , it could hate men all his life . oh , i know . but how can i fix eight years crtinerie after two singles and not cost me anything . can i make a suggestion . the school seeks a new safe salamander . when lisa you will teach children to avoid power lines fallen , it will make regain faith in you and the masculine gender . i do not know . what happened in the last securi salamander . he is asleep in the costume and suffocated . i can do it . ok , lisa is the time the big surprise dad . sometimes its scary when your dreams come true , is not it honey . i suppose . yeah . i am responsible for bringing security in primary school springfield and regain your love . what there was treasure . i do not thee well . salamander out . sorry bart . the first rule in the bus security is always put your belt . the school bus never belts . so what protects you if we have an accident . a metal bar at the teeth . stop that bus . my teeth . look lisa , i showed security . council always lock your easel twice . son of questions or comments . are you a girl . because i do not see any employees sausage do i hear where are the fireworks . because this is . every man for himself . crush if you must . security . security . die for security . so , dear , i am again your hero . janeys father took him just at the zoo once a month . you could not be what kind of father . honey , you know that dad is longer allowed to enter the zoo . oh , yeah . but i will always i buy your eyes . how did you do that . i do not know . i said , turn left at boulevard bart . i tell you that there is no boulevard bart . forget it . the baby is already out . sort just your hunting knife and cut the cord ombrilical . yes maam . warning . kent brockman here , live from the grave accident in the history of springfield . but no need to worry , emergency services in the city are road . can we all agree not to involve our insurance . come on , be nice . springfield needs a hero and they need it now . it looks like a job for a father trying to regain the love of his girl . i will have a debt forever and my many creditors . we were common car and thats all . my mother is still in the car . no , its not there . three encouragement for our new hero . only three . ok , six . its better like that . hip hip hurray . hip hip hurray . oh , please , you membarrassez . i submit the highest mark honorary springfield the key to the city . other problems . mr mayor , your administration has been following a fiasco . who the hell are you . your responsible press . i knew i had to hire my nephew . i am your nephew . ok , then it stinks . read the charter , gentlemen i can not be transferred to the office . except election by a simple reminder err , forget the last part . a new vote . a new vote . a new vote . mayor joe diamond has quimby survived to re election campaigns , countless accusations of infidelity , corruption , extortion , and this bizarre attempted hijacking of a . ask the plane anywhere , girls become truly wild . but the mayor might be more difficult through the re election test next week . more than people filed their candidacies , your servant , kent brockman . other news a classic tool device for the household can kill you . you can learn more when you voted for kent brockman . my god , all the idiots of the city , more disco stu will arise against me . just imagine i think the mayor . so no one made fun of my song . i am proud to be american . i have done . luigi vote . a good government , just as you like , is my priority vote for me , who abuse steroids , who smokes grass , chasing women , son of nazi innocent , and movie star has been . and i think it would be good to have a open mind on the issue of cloning . a monster could win . if you are twisted enough , vote for me . jimbo drive with the poor standard even harder with the cons . dad , something must be done . what can i do . i am only a man . licoln was also a man . are you sure there was no a miniature in his hat . i read an email about this . listen , as a salamander of security , you are loved by all . and if you were the mayor , to be sure we pourrins only those goods , like me , tell you what to do . i will apply for the post of mayor . and i will be the manager of your electoral campaign . and i will discover what a mayor . dilate my brain , oh juice knowledge . i hate the press conference . homer is an opportunity to score points , so on , you removed your costume salamander . you look like the mascot one of these horrible university of the south . margin , without this costume , i am only homer simpson , multi criminal recidivist . with , i am a hero in costume , as george washington , or mrs . edna . today is the dawn of a new era for springfield . the salamander is sitting on eggshells labeled care for the rd age , flexible and commercial center in downtown pedestrian . and these eggs are ready to hatch . now , i will answer your questions . what special powers would a salamander in the office of mayor . well , i have a vision similar to x rays, , a breath of fire , and i can do laugh with tennis balls . wow , i did not know that salamanders could do the same things . and to think that during all these years i was a gecko man . tire fool you . m simpson , a reaction on this picture of where you strangle your son . why should we let an election be influenced by a photo from several hours . now , here candy restaurant for everyone . homer , youre out very well . you are far ahead of the polls . even those negative ads have no effect on you . simpson has virtually no more work . it pays for homeless it does its work for him . i do not feel very well . people may not like homer simpson , but he loves this costume . in the same way they love this stupid american flag . what is that smell . it is the smell of imminent victory . you vomit in this suit . a little . did you at least cleaned this suit since you have . no , but i swam it . id better clean this thing . its hard to find the limit between man and the costume . but what you do not have fun in the attempt . its weird . at the beginning it was an egg . our next question goes to eleanor abernathy , also known for women crazy cats . female cats , how would you increase income tax trade in this city . encourage small businesses . corporate responsibility . cats in the pants of everybody . very well , thank you women cats . it is in the debriefing room . okay , okeydokey yeah . our next question is for salamander of security . sir , how to fix you the crumbling infrastructure of this city . this is a very good question kent . first what is . it has certainly narrowed to washing . without his costume , this is nothing other than a man . ok , dropped . i will not let a man tell me what to do . it is true , i am a man . a man dressed as a salamander for regain the love of his daughter . i will present . well , my son is also there . i will present it . here bart . whats new . boring . it was sick of you and your outbreaks . please stop giving fruit . the vote shows that none of the candidates has managed to achieve the needed for victory . and mayor joe quinmby will keep his post in any case i did not want . you are finished nazes band . dad , you tried to springfield better city , and in any case , it makes you my hero . thank you . what do you say a dance with your father . i can not believe i lost with all the commercials that ben affleck has made . yes , i tavais warned about this . take care of my tail . you no longer tail now . i know i sense yet . that so high . springfield . quimby welcome to the mayors easter egg hunt . and now my rarely seen wife would like to say a few words . thank you , joe . in just a few moments , the hunt will be opened by our own rascally referee , hugs bunny . whoa , . sorry , kid . legally , im not allowed to hug you . now begin the hunt . joe . you said your wife was dead . and you said you graduated from typing school . i have trouble with the space bar . nelson , those dont count as easter eggs . yeah . but they count as breakfast . ahhh . it was worth it . yay . yay . yay . yay . ralph , theres a hole in your basket . youre lisas brother . hey . nobody pushes around my precious bundle of joy . oops . wrong one . ill take that . too slow , droolie joe . peek a , i steal from you . sir , you want to set the baby down . dont worry . i just wanna talk . silly rabbit , kicks are for ribs . this house has such beautiful wainscoting . well , marge , i didnt know you were into wainscoting . i read an article about it at the tire store . did you know its not named after someone named wayne scott . women oh . you are now in the mayors office . this is the switch the mayor uses to call his chief of staff . that concludes our tour . but id love it if youd all join me for tea in the parlor . tea . in the parlor . youre like all easter bunnies . cant take a punch to the crotch . maybe next time youll think twice before you volunteer to help children . oh , hey , marge . this is my husband , homer . ladies . marge , is there a small rip in my pants . homer , please . were about to have tea . no tea . security . oh . everyone , just go . way to blow our tea , marge . thats the last refrigerator magnet calendar you get from me . we throw those out anyway . you lie . stop lying . hey , goad lookin . want to snuggle with tyrannosaurus sex . no , i dont . im still upset about what happened today . i dont have many friends . and when i finally start to make some , you ruin it . oh , come on , honey . you have lots of friends . theres , uh , lisa , and the stove . hmph . oh , that poor woman . im gonna find her a friend . someone cute , athletic , with a nice laugh . my husband and my best friend . its a risk ill have to take . whatcha looking for , lisa . summer opportunities . were going to twin camp . oh , my god . spend a summer in rome . rome . founded by twins by the way . hey . whered she go . oh , well . lets talk in our secret twin language . okay , lisa . to study in rome , an applicant needs outstanding grades check . uh oh . lisa , it says you have to speak fluent italian . uh , check . you speak italian . of course i do . why would i say it if i didnt . flawless logic . but i am gonna have to ask you to speak a few phrases to verify your fluency . though not now because i have a series of important meetings . hows tomorrow for you . because its terrible for me . but ill get back to you , soon . son , i need to find a new friend for your mother . so youre gonna have to finish the shopping yourself . were on food stamps . i wish . i made these at work . hmm . i bet shed be a good friend for marge . she looks defeated , too . psst . psst . why does every woman i try to talk to run into cans . man on recording i want to rent a small boat . i plan to dump this body in the ocean . huh . this is what you get for asking questions . oh . arrivederci , ignorance . marge , i did it . i found a woman to be your new friend . shes waiting in the living room . hmph . im going out for some air . i bet you cant throw a cat over the house . huh , i was wrong . man everybody hurts sometimes i guess im not meant to have friends . woman stop that hat . whoo . how about this wind , huh . i dont know how you keep your hair so perfect . johnsons water seal . my names tammy . and these are my friends , the cheery red tomatoes . the nationwide social organization for women of a certain age . yeah . but we dont sit around watching television and eating bonbons . well , except on w bonbon night , which is every tuesday and thursday . what are you doing today . were gonna have margaritas and poke gentle fun at our husbands . would you like to join us . would i . now lets see . homer cut up my wedding dress to make a badminton net , which he never uses . he spent my last three birthdays in jail . called out his bowling halls name during sex . whoa , honey . save it for johnny fiestas . announcer on tv and now , we return to the vic tayback motel and casino in downtown las vegas for has been celebrity poker . as always , all our celebrities are playing for charity . what . i am so out of here . wow , mom . great red dress . for your information , i am now a junior member of the cheery red tomatoes . marge . in a gang . what are you gonna do . shoot me with a frosting gun . seriously , i would love that . oh , you guys make everything fun . thats my italian tutor . oh , hey , milhouse , i think barts upstairs . im not here for bart . im here to teach you italian . oh , sure . i get it . bart told you i was taking lessons so you thought youd come over and that means , please stop and listen . im the tutor the company sent over . im here to teach you la lingua di arte e la musica . you really speak italian . si . my grandmother , nana sofie , lives in tuscany . since i was a baby , ive spent two weeks there every summer . nana hated english because in world war ii a g . i . left her with child . my uncle bastardo . nana only spoke italian to me . i love you , nana . whoa . milhouse every time i spoke english , she hit me . ow , that hurt . im sorry im so stupid . thats howl learned italian and started wetting my bed . anyway , what do you say . can i be your insegnante . okay . if that means teacher . it means masculine teacher . bye , ladies . you can text message me anytime . we already did . marge oh . oh , how cute . he tried to stay up , but he just couldnt make it . buongiorno , millhouse . ah , perfetto . thank you . ive been studying . i even made flash cards . my efforts . oh , lisa . you dont learn italian , you live italian . come , we ride to little italy . but first , hake care of some classroom business . lisa simpson . present . lets go . one gelato for , oh , the pretty girl . ah , mr . milhouse , thank goodness . could you translate and help me buy cheese for my lasagna . but luigi , surely you speak italian . no , l dont . i only speak , how you say , fractured english . thats what my parents spoke at home . i had a wonderful time today . im the luckiest boy in the world . dont be in love , stupid . tammy , id never have the courage to skydive if it werent for you girls . thanks , marge . and you know , when we land , weve got a little surprise for ya . oh . well , now i really hope my chute opens . goodbye , cruel world . ladies . marge simpson , we hereby induct you as a full member of the cheery red tomatoes . i feel a happiness ive never felt . i not only have friends , i have a hat to prove it . now marge , as a full member , you get to share in all our secrets . like our recipe for mock apple pie . the secret is its got apples in it . and now we can tell you the secret plans for our fundraiser . this year , were gonna steal one million dollars from mr . burns . youre joking . youve gotta be joking . youre not joking . oh , any other surprises . im not a natural redhead . im sorry . i cant steal . not even from mr . burns . mr . burns promised a million dollars to the springfield childrens hospital . and then instead of donating this money , im going to use it to extend my own life another minutes . smithers . and the register . release the hounds . why would you bring attack dogs to a charity event . i was taking them to the groomers . whos a stinky dog . you are . michelles going to work on you today . yes , she is . there are faberge eggs in his vault , each worth a small fortune . we can get them , but we need your special skills . when l joined , i never thought wed be robbing people . you said you wanted friends . and the one thing about friends is that they stick together . especially when theyre trying to pull off a million dollar heist . maybe we were a little too quick to give you that hat . take back the hail she deserves bare hair . all bare hair . bare hair . okay , im in . you ladies doing okay down there . sorry to wake you , stanley . dont let us down , newbie . announcer on tv welcome back to fox sports west ii classic fox sports fox . hey , marge , where are you going . oh , heh well , im bird watching . wait a minute . if shes going bird watching , why did she leave our petersons field guide to birds on the kitchen counter . roadrunners are real . milhouse is teaching me to speak so prettily ill quip so wittily when im in italy milhouse , just what is going on . run along , angelique . but not too fast , huh . lisa , she is the appetizer , but you are the main course . lisa . youre speaking perfect italian . now lets see what marge is up to . thats mr . burns mansion . remind me , smithers , while were out , i need to get my eyes re balled and my brain flushed outwith vinegar . yes , sir . oh , and your knees will be back from the shop tomorrow . excellent . okay , marge . youre the only one of us skinny enough to squeeze through this vent . thats my special skill . well , whatd you think . youre a master of disguise . not with that do . i thought you liked my hair . its all right . ive gotta stop marge from doing something reckless and irresponsible . lou , we better go after him . eddie , you direct traffic . youre the graceful one . you got it , chief . clancy look at him tease that subaru . and that guy cant find a girlfriend . ill never figure it out . i got the combination from burns after i let him feel me up during the depression . zero to the right , zero to the left , back to zero . marge , l wanted to save you from the cops . but the cops followed me . game over , man . game over . so are you gonna introduce me to your friends . dont worry , mr . burns . well get to the bottom of this . excuse me , lou . im supposed to say that . acting like the chief doesnt make you the chief . if i was acting like the chief , id need size pants . oh , here we go with the fat jokes . you know , i just wish you could hit the easy targets on the firing range so well . oh , lou , why do we hurt each other so . because sometimes its easier to be cruel than to say what you really feel . permission to hug , chief . permission granted . granted , lou . thank you , chief . oh , enough . while you morons are canoodling , someones burgling my miscellanea . try to take my eggs , will you . well , this rooster has a beak . a beak which calls out death a . why , youre all women . im not . i suppose . but youre certainly buxom and flirty . oh , well , l try to have a good time . all i wanted to do was join a group of women who wore the same outfits . oh , no jury on earth would convict a bunch of moist eyed mothers . ill tell you what , ladies . give me my eggs back and ill let you go . and tell me im not fat . well , i guess our fundraiser was a failure . dont be so sure . ah , marge , i love you . but to be safe , sweetie , i dont think we can ever see each other again . ill really miss you guys . ill never forget the three activities we did together . listen , marge . no matter where you go in this life , youll always have one friend who loves you , body and soul . and marge , there are certain things i can do for you that no other friend can . special things . wow , this is special . i cant believe this happened to me twice . springfield . willie . welcome to diversity tales . enjoy your multicultural hooey . it was the feast of the sea lion who would not share . come , brother titi , let us collect cha cha sticks . i will make a headdress for the wedding of earth turtle and moon mongoose . you dont need a headdress . your most beautiful costume is your self esteem . pause here to discuss tolerance . what is this crap . this is worse than wheelchair nocchio . yeah , well , if you dont like the movie , feel free to stare out the window . hey , cryptkeeper , i like your dodge scare a . how dare you mock my mobile a . it was the first car to outrun a man . a caveman . i thought of that cause i slept in a cave last night . of all the i will not be lampooned by schoolchildren . kill them , smithers . you could just buy a new car , sir . well whatevers easier . a new car . may i suggest an oldsmobile . mr . burns sucks . i wont forget who mocked me . im taking your picture . now , hold perfectly still for minutes . charge . i mean , yes , sir . i just bought a new car . a nice foreign number . the lamborgotti fasterossa . a lamborgotti fasterossa . thats the car i think about when i make love to my wife . yes . i need you to pick up my car at the factory in italy , and ship it directly back to me . ill save thousands in taxes . youre sending me to italy . yes . can i take my family . sure . do i have to hang out with them . it would be nice . that guy in first class is taking a tv out of his armrest . whats in you . a bunch of stupid cables . hey , brandine . the kids just got a new playhouse . cletus , you are the most wonderful husband and son i ever had . whats with the canadian flag on your backpack . well , some people in europe have the impression that america has made some stupid choices in the past , oh , five years . so , for the next week , im from canada . i think dad may blow your cover . that flag is mine . dont mess with texas . shock and awe , losers . shock and awe . your car , shes a coming off the assembly line . this car is the ultimate marriage of design and technology . mariage . now we have to drive it straight to rome , where itll be shipped to mr . burns in springfield . gee , i wish we could explore a little more of italy . marge , are you encouraging me to be irresponsible . why dont you encourage him to get us some health insurance . why you little so , first time in italy . wow , ive seen photos of this , but you cant really experience it until youre here a mcdonalds where you can get booze . but , dad , dont you want to turn around and see the tower . theres a picture of it on my cup . when mount vesuvius erupted , people were overcome by volcanic ash so fast that they were frozen in whatever position they were in at the moment of their death . savages . weve passed the pontevecchio bridge three times . i think were lost . let me check the navigation system . it says here we should turn left at a fat chick in a tutu being fed by a midget . thats a dvd of a fellini movie . i get it . the midget represents dwarves . dad , cheese truck . mozzarella . parmigiano . provolone . pecorino . gorgonzola . fontina . taleggio . bocconcini . mortadella . dont worry . we got the cheese insurance . it doesnt cover mortadella . no . stupid italy . wish youd never been unified by victor emmanuel ii . if only youd stayed a loose confederation of city states, , trading with each other and occasionally warring . maybe theres a mechanic in this tuscan village . do you know anything about fixing sports cars . scusi . its a lamborgotti fasterosa xt with abs sport tech package . americano . americano . what the hell could that mean . why cant you people learn to speak my language . i learned to eat your food . il mayore capice inglese . she says the mayor speaks english . i honor you and your country . kentucky .  . in italia , this a means whore . excuse me . mister mayor . they say you speak english . indeed i do . sideshow bob . the simpsons . sideshow bob of all the regioni and all the villaggi in all of italia , you had to be il mayore of this one . i assure you , im as sorry to see you as you are to see me . howd you wind up here . yes , tell us your story . but it better have a beginning , a middle and an end . and youd better make us root for the protagonist . my tale begins after i had once again attempted to murder bart . okay , so far im rooting for you . i needed a fresh start . but where . not in this lifetime . damn it . never . now cut that out . tuscany . fortune is finally smiling upon me . i left my past behind and moved to the small village of salsiccia . acceptance came slowly . its pronounced buon giorno . your mouth is getting lazy on the second syllable . here , let me guide you . but that all changed when the grape harvest began . these feet are made for stomping and thats just what theyll do one of these days these feet will make chianti out of you ready , feet . start stomping . it was the biggest harvest ever . never had i felt such acceptance . the next spring , the contadini elected me their mayor . but i won more than the love of a town . roberto amore . this is my bride francesca and my son gino . holy moley . i always thought you were , you know , out loud and proud . well , i experimented in college , as one does . i never went to college . stop the presses . hello , im marge . this is my husband homer , my daughters lisa and maggie , and my son bart simpson . bart simpson . the name roberto cries when he has the bad dream . bart simpson . bart simpson . bart simpson . i make like my daddy . bart and i used to go fly fishing together . die , bart . die , bart . you shall all stay for dinner and tell me more about my wonderful roberto . he makes love like a man who just got out of jail . you crave my skillful touch . now go , take the boy , and shut the door . ill rock your world anon . simpsons , i beg of you . please dont destroy the new life ive created here . surely , even the most heinous criminal deserves a seventh chance . bob , you havent told your wife about all the terrible things youve done . yeah , i tell marge everything . not necessarily in words , but in body language . you know , sneaking around and such . bob , your family will find out the truth . sooner or later , youll try to kill me again . watch , ill prove it . come on , bob , slice , dice and serve on rice . you little scamp . you know , youll make some murderer very happy one day , but it shant be me . bart , bob is a family man now . you cant be a bad person if you have a family . and literature is filled with tales of redemption from jean valjean to the voice of buzz lightyear , tim allen . all right , bob , we wont tell your beautiful new family that youre a homicidal psychopath if you fix up our car . grazie . now i cant undo the past , but i can try to make it up to you . my humble little town is at your service . loro sono miei amici , le simpsons . dad , dont act like mussolini . i thought i was doing donald trump . heres a cute fact . this sausage shop has been grinding the same family of pigs for years . prego . si , . and he kisses you with that mouth . i love you , marge . he is so wonderful . they must miss him in america . well eat justice , sideshow bob . chief , i tried to warn you . sideshow bob hasnt lived here for months . oh , god , am i sorry . is that a penn state banner . cause my cousin went there . did you know him . mark wiggum , fat kid , played a lot of tetris . mi amici , we are here to honor my old friends , the simpsons . tomorrow , they return to america , taking with them my gratitude , my friendship and my heartfelt wish that they never return . and now mangiata . no wine for her . shes only eight . marge , dont be so olive garden . yeah , this is italy . look , the town drunk is two years old . hey , mambo italiano bob , your generosity and abbondanza have touched our hearts . bra bravo . bravissimo . whoopsie . ill just get it out with more wine . see . its fine . go on , go on with the thing . its obvious why bob is a vaunted pillar of your community . yeah , but hes a wanted killer in our community . he deserves to be hailed at this wingding . more like jailed at sing . time for bed , now . drunken children tell the ugliest lies . sideshow bob . sideshow bob . il fuggitivo . roberto . is this true . you try to make the murder . but darling , the boy drove me to murder by exonerating a harlequin who i framed for robbery at the kwik e . it all sounds so stupid . you have brought shame upon our humble , mafia controlled village . you are welcome in salsiccia no more . hes getting that stabby look . simpson family , i hereby swear a vendetta . vendetta means vendetta . boy , that sideshow bob goes from zeroto murder awfully fast . at least this time it was lisa who ruined bobs life . i feel so sick . its called a hangover , sweetie . and its an unavoidable part of life . simpson . simpson . where is my roadster . you were due back a month ago . mr . burns , we may be experiencing some technical difficulties . sideshow bob . dad , youre driving on an ancient roman aqueduct . what am i supposed to use it for transporting water to distant urban centers .  . lazy romans . everyone , remember where we parked . why do i keep trying to kill them . roberto . francesca , youve come to me . well , you caught me at the right time because i swear never to raise this hand in vengeance again . no roberto . if the simpsons have dishonored you , they have dishonored our family , and we shall take revenge as a family . vendetta . vendetta . vendetta for mi papa . revenge is a dish best served family style . were in a foreign city with no car , being stalked by a killer . i feel like im the bourne identity . krustys in an opera here in rome . he can save our lives . come on . lets go . opra . they have that here , too . lets see i aint doin that . thats not funny . here well change wealthy merchant to nudist with big rack . this needs punching up . thats comin out . two acts .  . krusty , you gotta help us . i dont do gotta . sideshow bob has sworn a vendetta against us . vendetta . whats that , an italian vending machine . thats my opening joke . and my closer . and my saver . and my topper . please help us , krusty . we dont want to be the first christians to die at the colosseum . ill tell ya what . put on these costumes , go on the stage and mix in with the crowd scenes . he wont kill ya in front of all those witnesses . can i be the phantom of the opera . dad , the phantom isnt in this . but i do a great impression of him . i am the gayest super villain ever . beware my scented candles . scented . no more rice krispies we are out of rice krispies dont blame me . i didnt write this crap . i cant believe what that clown is doing to leoncavallo . and they call me a murderer . vendetta . vendetta . vendetta . i dont wish to brag , but hes evil at an eighth grade level . vendetta . vendetta . lets see , what else we got here . so , i had this beautiful tour guide , right . and i tell her , i want to see her naples . she slapped me . we call it napoli . yeah , well , it sounds like youre all taking a napoli . i know youre out there . i can hear you being greasy . ridi , pagliaccio sul tuo amore infranto its so beautiful . thats sideshow bob . i know , and hes magic . this is no act . theyre actually trying to kill us . ridi del duol che tavvelena il cor . la commedia finita . quick , get in . krusty , you saved us . well , i need someone to help me smuggle antiquities to america . everyone , break off a piece and hide it on your person . hide it well . vendetta . vendetta . vendetta . farfalla . farfalla vendetta . farfalla vendetta . farfalla vendetta . homie , isnt venice romantic . this gondola ride was a wonderful idea . when a wife looks like that and her husbands so fat thats immoral when she kisses that jerk while i do all the work thats imm knock it off . excusi . no speaka english . springfield . hes never been late for christmas service . maybe hes cheating on us with the episcopalians . look at em , with their bright , airy narthex and light , flaky eucharist . i wouldnt mind dipping christ is born whos on my horn . bad news , ned . theres been a horrible train wreck . so many little plastic christmases ruined . you want me to deliver the christmas sermon . i feel like im born again . now , dont be nervous , ned . youve practiced this so many times in the shower . paper cut . now theres no one to deliver the sermon . did anyone order a hero . okay , christmas you know how your paper boy always sends you a christmas card with his home address on it . whats up with that . i wanted you to tip me . no tip till they bring back hagar the horrible . thats not my decision . its never anybodys decision . anyhoo id like to tell you all a little story i call the first christmas . i , for one , am dying to hear it . a carpenter named joseph was about to get some frankly preposterous news . joseph , you know i have never lain with a man . tell me about it . and yet , i am with child . a pregnant virgin .  . thats every mans worst nightmare . hail mary , full of grace . thats not all shes full of . quiet , you . mary , you carry in your womb the son of god , who will grow up to become king of the jews . so , not a doctor well , he will be able to heal the sick . but nothing to hang on the wall . king herod , we three wise men come bearing gifts for the king of the jews . we bring gold frankincense and myrrh , which i am re gifting, , cause who needs myrrh . heres the tag . thank you . which one should i open first . this is awkward . the king of the jews we seek is , a newborn child . find this pretender to my throne and bring him to me . now you wouldnt hurt the little boychik . of course not . kings dont hurt babies . giant pointy swords hurt babies . good king herod . except you dont really have the good , so what do you have , really , then . now , dont you worry . i got plenty of rooms at my inn . all with brand new carpeting . i think my water just broke . you can have the barn . now feel free to come by the main house for breakfast . there wont be any . just keep pushing , sweetie . the doctor will be here any second . shalom , everybody . ive got some very good news . caesar just invented the cesarean . get him out of here . i knew id like him , but i never dreamed id adore him . ive got the messiahs nose . ive got the messiahs nose . give it back . give it back . hell kill us all . he looks just like his dad . not you . im not the father , im not a wise man , im nothing . this is the worst christmas ever . maybe a little toot off the old wine skinll cheer me up . my wine turned into water . who could have performed such a cruel miracle . why , you little . joseph , no . he has to stay alive till hes when hell be renounced by his friends and crucified . sorry , kid . anytime anyone suffers in the world , he starts crying again . can you do something . me . but im watching the orange bowl . now . you like physical comedy . nyuk , a wise man . pick two . why , i oughta now , hold still . i think this nontraditional household just might make it . jesus , mary and joseph we got a great family . now , lets get some sleep . herod is coming for the child . manger danger . manger danger . the kid youre looking for is in there . the other tenants have been complaining about the incessant swaddling all hours , day and night . gee , chief , i feel pretty bad , trying to take out a baby . dont worry , boys . no one will ever speak or write of this again . what a boffo beginning for my book . there they are . i see his head dealy . follow that glow . they put his halo on a duck . the oldest trick in the book . what the hell are you doing . well , he does have a halo . hail , quackie . that ought to spruce things up . what a beautiful hanukkah bush . i say we call it a christmas tree . a christmas tree what a great name . makes you feel all warm and fuzzy . and did you know that little baby jesus grew up to be jesus . i know . its weird , isnt it . the energizer bunny christmas special . i dont know why im so run down . i must be low on christmas spirit . its cause youre using regular batteries . you forgot about energizer ultra . now let me crawl inside you . cold so cold . its santa . grampa .  . what are you doing in the chimney . trying to kill santa . whats it to ya .  . what do you have against santa . he screwed me over back in wwii . i was a navy pilot in the pacific . bart , whyd you ask him a follow up question . it just slipped out . yep , i was a navy pilot in the pacific , along with my big brother cyrus . cyrus . you never mentioned him before . and ill never mention him again , but i loved him all the same . okay , abe , lets win this war quick , so we can go home and slowly give black folks more rights . kamikazes at two oclock . well , i dont usually drink after lunch , but oh , my god . the sky is full of that kind of plane that crashes into the boat . cyrus , you be careful up there . nah , im not worried , not as long as i have my good luck charm . good thing i stole two of these off dead soldiers . lieutenant , radio my brother and tell him to watch his tail . quiet , you . im talking to my best gal . i miss you , too , bernadette . you hang up first . no you hang up first . no . you hang up first . no . you hang up first . cyrus . youll pay for that , you haiku spouting savages . i wish i tried reefer . quit lollygagging and build a fire . i dont have to listen to you . on this island , military rank means nothing . were in a state of nature where the strong of will control the weak . how dare you drown the king of new burns island . howd you like to be the archduke in charge of coconuts . no . i give up . i give up . days turned to weeks . weeks turned to months . months turned back to days . even burns was starting to look good to me . hey , sailor , my eyes are up here . by christmas eve , our hopes of rescue were fading . you know , simpson , weve had our dustups , so ive made you a little peace offering . a shaving kit . is this pomade . its nothing really , just seagull brains and snail goo . thanks , lieutenant . merry christmas . incoming . is it one of ours . who cares . its christmas . i want to shoot something . what in the name of the tennessee valley authority . donder . blitzen . hes german . thats good eatin . you useless waste of socks . that aint no kraut . we just shot down santa claus . oh , thank you , boys . i guess i must have run into a sudden storm . yes , . everything happens to you . my sleigh . its ruined . well , get you up and running or my name aint young grampa simpson . boys , im almost ready . im just missing prancer and rudolph . and now to bring joy to boys and girls around the world . damn it . sorry , chuckles , change of plan . this sleigh is my ticket off this hellhole . and im keeping all the toys for myself . because , at heart , im just a very wicked child . you backstabber . and i let you spoon me . lets go , you flying hat rack . come on , baby . somebody should have beat you with a tricycle years ago . thanks for everything , abe . and now im off . ill be back in a few days to take you ho ho . well , thats the craziest thing ill ever see . except for that . i waited and waited . but santa never came back . if i hadnt invented a jet ski made of coconuts , id have never gotten home . and then when i did , the war was over and the nurses were all kissed out . thats quite a tale , grampa . you little its true , i tells ya . its santa . i got an old score to settle . doggone it . i missed him again . my brothers lucky watch . santa must have left it . cyrus , i miss you every day . he misses you , too . wait . he , what , who .  . your brother didnt die in the war , abe . he crashed into tahiti . and he liked it so much , he never left . and now , if you like , ill take you to him . will we be back for the tournament of roses parade . probably not . good , i hate that crap . yeah , me , too . santa , one things still bugging me . why didnt you ever come back to pick me up . i kept putting it off and then i was just too embarrassed . sorry i never called , abe . i was too busy with my native wives . i said wives , not girlfriends . no poko miku for cyrus . oh my god , its over . were free . its not over . its just intermission . i said were free . were still doing act two . ill be the audience . boo . this is terrible . i hope i never hear that god awful nutcracker music again . i dont know , dad . this time of year , everybody does it , cause you dont have to pay for the music rights . really . ive still gotta bake my christmas pie ive gotta get dad a lousy tie . christmas crowds is what i hate no time left to procrastinate . so move your ass and let me pass . cause christmas eve is here why is this santa suit so snug . why should i care . its all humbug ive jacked my prices up so high but theres no junk these saps wont buy last years eggnog , a green hot dog cause christmas eve is here . these holiday cookies swell my fat cat even though were not gentile , well get together for a while to shoot the breeze and eat chinese cause christmas eve is here christmas is a family day i told grampa wed be away hes at the door , lets hit the floor cause christmas eve is here fine . ill spend christmas eve with the raccoons . you got me a gift . rancid lard .  . you shouldnt have . every year at this time , i show whats probably my most requested clip . roll it , freddie . its the most wonderful time of the year give the audience snowballs , they said . itll be cute , they said . okay , time for my annual holiday tradition attempting to kill myself . whats it say . barn , as a special gift to me this year , will you kill me . but i already got you a wool hat . maybe next year . merry christmas , homie . i think youre really gonna like this . thats great . now ill just get my present for you , which is right outside the door . oh , my god , i forgot to get marge a present . i need a present for my wife or ill have no sex for life diamond ring , a vase by ming some kinda useful kitchen thing i need a store i can break into or a place run by a hdu the christmas rush has cleaned me out i just have jerky made of trout . i knew youd forget , so my gift to you is a gift for you to give me . its just what i wanted . here , marge , this is for you . springfield . everything we own is in that house . how often have you driven by a fire and thought , how can this benefit me . well , think no more , and drive on down to the smoke damage outlet store . where theres smoke , theres bargains . weve got fire damaged furniture , smoke damaged detectors , action figure puddle , something we think was an air conditioner , and boxes and boxes of you figure it out . come in today , and meet smokin joe frazier . im only here because my name had smoke in it . come on , that has nothing to do with it , smokin joe . i could send people to your house , bad people . come on , were going to that store , before the next commercial makes me do something else . buy the suit off my back , only .  . stop , drop and save . ive never noticed that sign before . and im a very good noticer . they must have just made this a toll road . they cant charge me for something i use every day . whats next , a spatula tax . well , what choice do you have . voila . which is french for ta da . boy , you sure showed them . hey , if shes not paying , im not paying . and if youre not paying , im not paying . of course youre not  were in the same car . i just wanted us to start talking again . no one is using the tollbooth . damn it , we need those cents es to de python the town fountain . get those cheapskates through that toll by any means necessary . got it . no survivors . no shooting . but its already cocked . all right , shoot it in the fireplace . what the hello kitty . tire spikes . they blocked my shortcut . im trapped like the l in a blt . weve gone over the spikes , tim . were gonna have to come up with cents . dont worry , this ones on jesus . be cool for once . do it , marge . today , cents , in five years , . assuming voter approval . my tires have been severely damaged . the prophecy has been fulfilled . seymour . get out and change the tires . i dont have four spares , mother . you dont have four anything . i fell into a burning ring of fire i went down , and the flames went higher and it burns , the ring of fire , the ring of fire kent brockman here atop mount springfield , where the melting ice cap has revealed a discovery so gruesome , well give you a moment to get the children out of the room . thats long enough . here it is . a frozen mailman somehow buried in ice several decades ago . for further analysis , heres the one scientist whos always home when we call , professor john frink . based on the ice core samples and the size of the mailmans bell bottoms just measure that there  we have determined he was frozen sometime in the s . swinging for all , except for me . i was making napalm to drop on da nang . the post office has promised to deliver every letter in this mailbag . so get ready , mr . largo . you were accepted to juilliard . i got in to julliard .  . i could have been second chair with the cincinnati pops . im c  d  . shut up , shut up , shut up . here you go , pal y . whats this , a letter from . this says i aint allergic to pollen . so i could have gone to the park and played with other kids . i got to make up for lost time . sitting in a rocking chair , eating baby crackers ticktock , banana a b wash those june bugs off of me . yeah , i got a letter here for mrs . abraham simpson . my grandma . i havent seen her in years . she ran away . ran away from all this . what a fool . hey , grandpa , we got a letter for grandma . open it up . this may be my last chance to invade her privacy . my dearest mona . youve just left my arms to return to your husband , abe , and already , i ache for you . mona cheated on me . i dont know how she found the time with her late night pottery classes and supermarket trips that took all weekend . lisa , im not sure that letter is age appropriate reading . why cant the government edit our mail like other countries . i know im just a lifeguard , but i want you to run away with me . if you dont reply to this letter , ill know that youve chosen to stay with abe , but i know in my heart that the baby youre carrying is mine . love always , m . thats ridiculous . that was my baby in her belly . look how happy we were . what the .  . homer , that means your dad might not be your dad . i dont care what that letter said . this man raised me single handedly . when i think of all the things hes done for me , the many times he lifeguard . you might bemy real father . and his name starts with m . moleman . mr . burns . m . night shyamalan . that would be a twist worthy of his increasingly lousy films . of course im your father . here , mush up your face , and you look just like me . see . yeah , but that also works for the dogs butt . hello , handsome . well , this whole fatherhood issue could be resolved with a simple dna test . nertz to that . homer , i fed you and clothed you till you were . if thats not a father , i dont know what is . ill be waiting for your apology on the old man bench at the mall . i sit by the trash so people have to come up to me . finished your soda . oh , your hairs looking sharp from the back . homie , whats wrong . did those pork chops give you a tummy ache . the only tummy ache is in my head . i cant stop wondering who my real father might be . if youre lost , you can look and you will find me time after time if you fall , i will catch you ill be waiting time after time if youre lost , you can look and you will find me time after time theres only one lifeguard whose name begins with m mason fairbanks . his hobbies are philandering , writing letters , and making up for lost time . okay , until youre sure this guys cool , stick to your cover story . that sounds hard . just do it . can i help you . im a reporter with the local paper . im doing a story on people who wear sweaters . do you mind if i ask you some questions . id be delighted , but i must warn you , i dont wear a sweater every day . interesting . interesting . so , i infer from all the knickknacks , youre some sort of fruitcake . no . actually , i salvage valuables from sunken ships . some call me a treasure hunter . oh , that is so cool . oh , a dish of shrunken heads . those are raisins . so , you dont have any shrunken heads . well , my hat size is a number six . that is small , right . its smaller than average . and this is the lady in my life . you know its a boat , right . indeed i do . i loved a real woman a long time ago , but , it didnt work out . well , uh , im sure my listeners would love to know the story behind that name . listeners . i thought you worked for a newspaper . no . i said i worked for a radio station . but number one with our viewers . viewers . wouldnt that be for a tv station . well , i think youre my pappy . wha .  . i found this letter you wrote to my mom , mona simpson . dear god , i always dreamed this day would come . and now that its here , there are so many feelings , i i possible daddy . im sorry . i got a little carried away there . perfectly all right . heres your gum back . springfield public access television presents the bully corner with jimbo , dolph , and kearney . good evening , dumb asses . tonight our guest is oscar nominee william h . macy . welcome . thanks for having me on , guys . you know , these public access shows remind me of independent film . special people , not special effects . big hearts , not big budgets . very well put . now , get him . so tell us , whats next for william h . macy . besides bleeding . you know neve campbell . marge , i found my real father . his name is mason fairbanks , he has a knife just for cheese , and he talks like this . homer , please do that in the loo . oh , homie , you just met this british man . its too soon to get so emotionally invested . honey , youve given me a lot to think about tomorrow when were on daddys boat . mr . fairbanks , looking at your boat , i got to say , grandma bet on the wrong horse . now , bart , over the years , ive come to learn that the most valuable treasure is right here . on this map . these waters are home to a treasure lost hundreds of years ago  the famed emeralds of piso mojado . you know , if i was born three months later , emerald would be my birthstone . yes . fate has a strange sense of humor . the emeralds were nestled in the bosom of a spanish galleon returning home from the caribbean . we must pray to santa maria to save us . santa maria de guadalupe , mistica rosa , intercede por la iglesia . one of you was not praying . it was me . i was thinking of a joke i heard . why you little and now that treasure is somewhere down there . wow , that story had everything action , treasure , water , a guy . would you like to come to our house for dinner . id be delighted . ive dined with the prince of wales , and with killer whales , but only the latter knew how to chew without humming . listen , uh , old timer, , i id like you to meet mason fairbanks . you . first you stole my wife , and now youre trying to steal my family . perhaps i couldnt have stolen anyone , had you give them what they needed . i was busy telling young people to get a haircut . mason , come see my room . homer , look what this is doing to grampa . we have to settle this question once and for all with a paternity test . ill take any test you want . eye test , pap test , memory test , memory test , vinnie testaverde , ferrari testarossa grampa , stop . never . presidents physical fitness test , sealtest ice cream , testors airplane glue now , homer , ill compare your sample to the ones from grampa and mr . fairbanks . then , bingo whos your daddy . will become abundantly clear . ive prepared a t shirt for you that covers either eventuality . i have the results . oh , god . whatever happens , abe , i hope we can be civil . ah , poop in your fist . at least i can make both . homers biological father is mason fairbanks . whos mason fairbanks . this guy . see , abe , were still visiting you , even though we have no biological obligation . youve said that three times already . well , then you think of something . i guess homer couldnt make it , no , but he told us to say hi . hi . so , what setting is that fan on . medium . i wouldve guessed low . you wouldve guessed wrong . today im filled with joy searching for treasure with my long lost son . my dream for each of you is that you find the happiness i feel today . a real wetsuit instead of one that is just painted on . missed a spot . there we go . these waters contain some of mother natures most stunning creatures . thats what you get for being luminous , jerks . homer , look . the treasure of piso mojado . hey , guys , we found the treasure . when i get to shore , im bringing it right to the bar . see ya soon , homer . we got somebody else coming in . this is w a . do you read me . seymour . isnt it about time you made a real friend . mother , please . im communicating with my fellow hams . how do it talk . push this button here . youre all losers . which way did mason go . that must be him over there . what do i do . what do i do . daddy . daddy . daddy . daddy . grab daddys keys . grab daddys keys . i love that little guy . what the heck . i drew this picture of you . its beautiful . homer , on your wedding day , i want you to have this . it may not be much , but its all ive got . that is so sweet . i gave you everything and it still wasnt enough . dad youve been in a coma for three days . they had to feed you through a tub . homie , i always believed you were going to make it no matter what that pushy casket salesman said . well , homer , now that youre alive again , ill leave you with your real family . wait . can we have a moment in private . of course . as i lay dying on the ocean floor , i remembered everything youve done for me . to hell with that stupid dna test and its . accuracy , youre my dad and i love you . i love you too , homer . and now theres something ive got to tell you . i really am your father . but how . after seeing how happy you were with horatio homewrecker , i made a decision . i switched the names on the dna samples . then i put my name first on the list for a new heart . my old ones fine , but you never know . only a true father would lead his son to believe he belonged to someone else . ah , dad . oh , homer . now why dont you stay for dinner . it would be my pleasure , son . send up two hams . hey , this ones cold . listen , i wanted to ask you if you could do something my former father never did for me . anything , son . teach me that the stove is hot . very well . no , homer , mustnt touch . i said no , homer . all right , nap time . but im not tired . springfield . school hasnt even started yet . what can i say . i missed you , myra . hows things with you and frank . that bum . he says his divorce will be final next week . so why is she pregnant again . you hang in there , beautiful . so , wheres the skin man hes out admiring his new car . ah , . a fine year for camrys . no one would ever guess you spent three months in a lake . ay , caramba . thank you , satan . just think , milhouse . from now on well always be those kids who got into the steam tunnels . now i gotta warn you we could get in trouble . i dont mind . troubles a form of attention . gentlemen , the moment has finally arrived . im rentin a party bus and takin all you regulars to las vegas . nevada .  . thats right . moe , why you bein so generous . youre usually so stingy and rat like . yeah , well , you remember that time i tried to hang myself and the rope broke . well , i sued the rope company and i got a huge settlement and a new rope . hey , nice rope . you could hang a cow with that thing . these steam tunnels are awesome . its like were in the schools lymphatic system and were the lymph . oh , my god . my dad had a long talk with me about this , but you cant believe it till you see it . the cafeteria loading dock . look were having pizza tomorrow . im gonna eat a lighter breakfast . well , we made it to the valve room . now we can leave without touching a valve . what a tale thatll be . hey , we cant leave here without turning one little valve . yeah , itd be like going to amsterdam and not taking a walking tour of famous doors . thats odd , we only turn the heat on for parents night . what the f minus . steeeaam . grover clevelands second term was , if anything , more uneventful look , a new kid . get him . our instruments are rusting . were going a cappella , people . ive got two kinds of wet in my pants . god , its so hot i need a drink . no water fountain outwits willie . maybe ill just have a soda . this wood is more buckled than a pilgrims hat . but whos responsible . dont bother struggling , ive got your scruff . can i cut a deal . ill give you milhouse . i dont want milhouse . sounds like my parents custody hearing . myra , can ya help me out here . forget it . this used to be a croissandwich . now , its a ham and cheese car crash . yes , thank you , myra . to highlight the seriousness of barts offense , superintendent chalmers will be joining us by video uplink . and joining me by video uplink , state comptroller atkins . can we move this along . im attending an important conference here in scottsdale . youre in scottsdale . im in scottsdale . at the hyatt room . get outta here . im in . hey , do you guys have any ice buckets down there . no , weve been using shower caps . skinner . you made that tv show really mad . yes , well you wont think its so funny when we send bart here . upward bound the toughest behavioral modification camp in northwest oregon . its the only place cruel enough to straighten bart out . they use a proven concept tough hate to turn around foul mouthed hooligans . then they send them home , quietly ticking away . this camps got it all . climbing some kind of rope thing . wearing a backpack . high fiving the black kid . its the perfect thing to straighten you out . got it . now i have a ring tone for my brand new cell phone . no wires at all . except this one . hey , check it out . i made it partially risqu . hey , guys , i have to put the boy on a plane to soul crushing camp . then ill be back to go to vegas . dad , if you take me to vegas , ill teach you how to cheat at blackjack . boy , you dont need to cheat when you got a system . whats your system . i dont tell your mother how much ive lost . one child to portland . hes your problem now . it seems he was our problem before . you son is on the no fly list . why , there must be some mistake . theres no mistake . it seems , the last time he flew unescorted welcome to atlanta . please keep your seat belt fastened until we have come to a complete stop . nobody tells bart simpson what to do . thanks a lot , c . now we all have to go back to minneapolis , and im very tired . well , homer , looks like i cant go to discipline camp . which is too bad , cause i think this was the thing that would finally straighten me out . oh , yeah . youre going to that camp cause im going to drive you there . yeah , that will be way more fun than vegas . dang . homer aint coming . and nelson saw something funny . stupid bart makes me drive to oregon , home of unspoiled forests , birthplace of matt groening . dad , neither of us want to go . why are you doing this . wheres the old carefree homer who likes to cut loose . you mean fun homer . im afraid serious homer has him locked up till youre at your snooty torture camp . fight back , fun homer . together we can win . its no use . come on , serious homer . let me out . well get a monkey drunk and push him down the stairs . ill kill you the way i killed intellectual homer . while the boys are gone , well sell all their useless junk , and replace it with knickknacks and curios . i already made up a yard sale sign . you know , your father saved every book report he ever wrote . and every one was stuart little . not to mention this powerpoint demonstration he did just last week . my malibu stacy heads . bart blamed this on the dog . i didnt pet him for weeks . im sorry i doubted you , boy . come on , dad , we got a long way to go . you cant stay mad at me the whole time . boy , if you were half as smart as you think you are , youd clean up your act . well , maybe pulling pranks is the only thing im good at . at least you have something youre good at . im years old , driving a crappy car , with a son who doesnt respect me , and im one snickers pie away from losing my foot to diabetes . mmm snickers pie . so , i see youre also traveling with your son . what boy prison are you taking him to . actually , justin and i are going to the oregon shakespeare festival . sir peter hall , himself , is directing . see , bart . i told you things could be worse . im getting a sweatshirt with shakespeares face on it . well , we better get back to the prius , son . dont forget the menu for our scrapbook . did you see that . they were eating melon for breakfast . look at me . i use a napkin . well , dad , we may not always get along , but well never be that lame . i bet theyre from massachusetts . you know , its legal there for a guy to marry his son . well , i guess its tinkle time . dont forget to wash your hands , shakespeare . so , here for a snack before they roll you back into the ocean . yeah . ill have the smiley face breakfast special . but could you add a bacon nose . plus bacon hair , bacon mustache , five oclock shadow made of bacon bits , and a bacon body . how bout if i just shoved a pig down your throat . im kidding . fine . but the bacon man lives in a bacon house . no , he doesnt . you know who would really like this place . bart . wait a minute . where the hell is bart . you little monster . show your face this minute . bart , where are you .  . hey , stavros , theres a guy in your bathroom trying to dine and . what .  . no one dashie dine on stavros . why you little im stuck . someones hitting my butt with something . is frying pan . leave your ass , homer . leave your ass . let me get this straight . i get all of barts action figures , homers treasured mr . plow jacket , and these power ranger underoos , which i am already wearing , for only .  . thats right . give me five minutes alone with your fridge , and you have a deal . fine . weve only brought in .  . and that came from mr . flanders buying back his own stuff . my lp of dreamcoat .  . how i love my coat of many colors it was red and yellow and green and brown and scarlet and black and ochre and peach and ruby and olive and violet and lilac and gold and chocolate and mauve and cream and crimson and silver and rose and azure and lemon and russet and gray and purple and white and pink and orange and red and yellow and green and brown scarlet and black and ochre and peach . my yard sale is a failure . i guess ill have to give everything to the salvation army . we dont want it . mm dexonumb . somnodoze . percolax . are these for sale . i guess . theyre homers expired pain medications . im in a lot of pain . im , breaking in a new pair of flip flops , and my thong notch is on fire . how much . a dollar . per pill , right . ill take a dozen of each . drugs in a bottle . i feel like elvis presley . this is so much safer than buying my illegal drugs at the playground . bag or keister . surprise me . ill take all your estrogen . thats a female replacement hormone . its for a friend . whos trapped in the body of another friend . so , lenny , hows it goin in vegas . pretty boring , ill bet . yeah , kinda . cant talk now , homer . im too satisfied in every way . i got you now , boy . oh . boy . push down on the bumper . then i can back the car up and save myself . if i save you , what are you gonna do to me . shower you with love , because this experience has taught me just how precious you are . ill kill you . ill kill your whole family . kidding . im kidding . we can do that , we have a special friendship . im gonna double kill you . then im gonna bury you in a shallow grave . then ill dig you up and kill you again . thats the beauty of a shallow grave . you sweet little angel . im gonna rip your head off and spit down your adorable little neck , because i want to smash your little stupid head but i love you . well go on a fishing trip . but first im gonna put you on a sawmill , then punch your little face out . thats what im gonna do . im here for the , yard sale . that was yesterday . no , i mean the yard sale . what are you talking about . can i buy some pills . well , maybe someone else can help you , but i am not a drug grocer . im out of drugs . see how much money i made .  . chief wiggum . are you still with the police department . save it , ma peddle . ma peddle . its a reference to ma kettle . a popular movie character from the s . if you have to explain it , its not good , chief . well , boy , you made the right choice . i think this is the first step to a new , closer relationship between us . dad , i think you actually enjoy seeing your own son suffer . je naime pas ca . being a father is just a job . long hours , no pay , and at the end , all you get is someone yelling , you screwed me up . well , maybe if you enjoyed me more , i wouldnt be so screwed up . hey , i enjoy you plenty . talking time is over . dont worry , mr . simpson . were gonna take his sass and turn it into siss . thank you , colonel . im not a colonel . this is a boy scout uniform that i dolled up . come with me , son . now kiss your childhood good bye . vegas here i come . i miss you , dad . hey , homer , you wanna eat my shorts . dont gamble on my love , homer . i miss bart . i cant leave him in that awful camp . im coming , boy . oh . oh , wait . get off here . i bet this looks cool from overhead , though . vegas , here i come . right . bart . nicely chopped , simpson . ive learned so much in my three hours here . i dont have to play pranks to feel good . i can just listen to the gentle rhythms of nature . stupid horse . its a deer crossing . wipe the blood off the windshield and get in the car , boy . dad . son , im doing something i should have done a long time ago . taking you to vegas . im gonna order a steak dinner and eat it on the toilet . and dont you try to stop us . actually , we were gonna call you , mr . simpson . your credit card was declined . try this one . homer , i hope you get this . im in jail and i need bail . hurry . marge . me and bart got in a fight with this really un cool pit boss and now were in nevada state prison . also , i dont know where bart is . if you see him , say hey . well , maggie , i always knew it would some day boil down to just you and me . ill look for work in the morning . springfield . pommelhorst , has a brief announcement . this is very emotional for me . im taking a leave of absence . i will return in the fall as mr . pommelhorst , your new shop teacher . were telling you children now , so you can adjust and not make jokes . looks like therell be some new wood in shop class . precisely the type of wordplay i seek to discourage . new wood . now , please welcome your new gym teacher coach krupt . today , were going to play a game thats as old as pain itself bombardment . im intrigued . what are the rules . duck or die . bombardment , deal with it . bombardment , lifes a bitch , son . bombardment . bombardment . walk it off . bombardment . bombardment . i caught it , im safe . son , are you okay . i guess . bombardment . sweetie , if someones bullying you , should tell your teacher . but its the teacher whos bullying me . well , tell your regular bully . he wont like it one bit . marge , i ripped my pants , the only pants that understand my complex heinie . that was your last pair . how did it happen . normal wear and tear . my ass . sir , your go carts damaged . i paid for laps , and im going to take them . ill have to go to every store in the pants district to find another pair like these . homie . kiss rubber , loser . you cry like a little girl , amy . come on now those were just baby teeth . how much longer can this go on . i see you like reading . how do you like bombardment . bombardment . bombardment . bombardment . bombardment . how do you like bombardment . ill show him . time for the bombarded to become the bombardier . why did i put this in here . my saxophone . yeah , thats why . youre a jerk . im telling mom . van houten . here , sir . but my doctor says no more bombardment . well , heres a second opinion . muntz . do your worst im drunk . well , welcome to a . a . always attacking . simpson . simpson . here . barts got an ice ball . what is your major malfunction , simpson . you will defrost , drain , and surrender that ball . and i will use it to bombard you . bombardment . kid power . me shack , its ruined . you red rubber home wrecker . listen , im real sorry i busted your shack . let me make it up to you . i know a ravine where theres a rusted out car . dont be tantalizing me with tales of ravines and rusted out cars . ill only be getting me heart broke . thats my mom . i got to go . i finished nailing this board . yeah , youre out of nails . poor willie . would you like to spend the night with us . i dont need your charity , not as long as ive got a pan over me head . thats not a pan , its a colander . aw , so thats where all my soup went . thanks for taking me in , missus . please accept this in return . its me most prized possession . its a sculpture made of childrens lost retainers . its lovely . i like this part in here , the way it , goes . willie , i hope im not being too personal , but you seem resigned to a life of abject squalor . my family is used to it . me grandfather used to get sent down into the mines to make sure it was safe for the canaries . dont you ever hope for anything better . something better . for willie . all i want is a place somewhere and . thats it . maybe you could aim a little higher . well , lets see to have me shack rebuilt get my rotten teeth all drillt something on underneath me kilt wouldnt it be adequate . matching shoes for both me feet dining on untainted meat a toilet what still has its seat wouldnt it be adequate . adequate adequate wouldnt it be adequate . youre right , lisa . i do want to better me lot , to live like a normal thats great . good night . bart , willie could have a better life , if only someone showed him how . i bet i could turn him into a proper gentleman . and i will do it in time for the school science fair . youre on , lis . i think youll find that , deep down , anyone can be civilized . good night , willie . good night . willie , in the next few weeks ill be teaching you poise , pronunciation and posture . lets see you stand up as straight as you can . well , theres a first time for everything . im too far off the ground . lisa , come up here and help me down . so , howm i doin . mr . simpson , i appreciate how much you love our big blue trousers , but im afraid we just dont make them anymore . sales plummeted after our disastrous super bowl ad . big blue pants . when you no longer care if youre attractive to women . mr . stern , would you make those glorious blue pants again if i whipped up public interest for them . of course , but how . through an advertising campaign so fresh and exciting , i havent even thought of it yet . well , what have i got to lose besides the factory thats been in my family for generations . how long is this commercial , anyway . i dont know , ive never made it to the end . ok , how do you address an archbishop . ill kill ya . ill kill ya for what ya done to me . lisa , youre a sweet lass , but its hopeless . like me dad told me youll never amount to anything . you were born trash , and youll be lucky if you grow up to be garbage . would you like to cut the cord . let him cut it himself , its time he learned life aint one big party . that was the last time we really talked . what the hell are they doing in there . lisa bet bart she can turn willie into a proper gentleman . thats as unlikely as kearney going around the world in days . eighty days ample time to circum navigate the globe , booger breath . you , sir , have a wager . i shall hold the money . to istanbul . wrong way , dingus . homie , whats that . on the back of your head . its called headvertising . it creates brand awareness without relying on traditional media . well , it creeps me out . wow it glows in the dark . its not supposed to . all right , lets just try one more lesson . repeat after me what flows from the nose does not go on the clothes . what flows from me nose its no use . im not very cultured . i dont even have a last name . care to concede that bet . no . come on , willie , i believe in you . what flows from the nose does not go on my clothes . say it again . what flows from the nose does not go on my clothes . i think hes got it yes , hes got it what flows from the nose does not go on my clothes a talking mirror . where is that ghastly flow . the nose the nose . and where should it not go . blue pants , blue pants . dad . get your own song . fine . im getting blue pants in the morning ding dong , the zippers gonna shine gee , homer , if those blue pants mean that much to you , they must be the greatest . im getting two pair today . i dont get this . this guy paints his noggin , and you guys are ready to buy pants . meanwhile , i been paying for that billboard outside for a year now , and its not yieldin nothin . you dont have to look at me . you dont have to look at me . well , he does have billboard money . talking billboard money . but he might be right for my friend . behold , the first machine that accurately measures surprise . really . miss lisa simpson . master bart simpson . and mister g . k . willington , esquire . i have the strangest feeling ive met him before . and you may meet him again , as your new father . hubba , mommy like . if you ask me , the royal shakespeare companys latest season was much ado about nothing . i get that reference . and you can get me any time you want , handsome . i would be delighted to dine with you on the th . youre a smash , g . k .  . it feels so sublime . i feel like i could be indoors all night could use a fork and knife and never soil my suit i could be so polite start not a single fight and still not feel like a fruit how very nice that theres no lice in my hair and my toenails i dont bite now that ive reached the stage where im not full of rage i could be indoors all night . ladies and gentlemen , its time to announce the winner of the science fair . though i must note , im surprised lisa simpson didnt enter a project this year . thats where youre wrong , principal skinner . i did enter a project , and its been in plain sight the entire evening . mr . g . k . willington is not who he seems . in fact , hes someone you all know quite well . is it me . i give you groundskeeper willie . well , mother , arent you glad you didnt get more intimate with him . who said i didnt . maybe theres room on my sports wall . now you have a friend . good morning , lisa . whats the lesson for today . how to smoke a pipe while summoning a falcon . put the kettle on , featherbee . ill be home soon . willie , there are no more lessons . youre a proper gentleman , my work is done . but i dont know what to do with myself . all ive ever been is a groundskeeper . and that jobs taken . skinner dumped it on the next lowest guy on the totem pole . for goodness sakes . how did i get up here .  . i think this is the perfect job for the new you , willie . it requires sophistication , tact , and you get to meet the highest class of people . good evening , sir im your maitre d . whats the d for . dimwit . laugh , jerk . i dont need your charity titters . now , say hello to my girlfriend , charity titters . right this way , maam . thank you . no . not now . not now . wait till we get to the booth . im so glad you washed that stupid logo off your head . well , it did its job . everyones wearing blue pants now . ay . el hombre invisible lleva pantalones azules . id like to get into some blue pants right now . what are those doing there . earning us a hundred bucks a week , thats what . except the maine potatoes one . its just a reminder to myself . hey , maitre d . may i help you , sir . these rolls are stale . bombardment . bring me some more . bombardment . and , some iced tea for the lady , please . bombardment . ive a fancy suit and a clean white shir but i miss the days when tractor fumes blew up my skirt i was freezing cold and i slept in mold but i long for the shack where i lived she was true to me my old home of wood and when i passed out drunk from turpentine she understood life was so sublime well boo hoo cause im hanging ferns in the shack where you lived . if i had your voice , id talk sing everything . so , how you doing , willie . im ebullient . im bubbling with glee . im bloody miserable . i miss me crap shack . hey , thats my table . amscray . sir , there are many other tables available . none that has a view of the yoga studio . yeah , baby . greet the sun . downward dog . sir , there is a child present . hey , when im off the clock , kids can jump in the lake . now get out of my booth , duchess of cornball . very well , sir . but my name is willie . now , may i show you the dessert tray .  . dessert tray , thats a great gag . can i use it . im taking it anyway . it is with great joy and a sense of , once again , everything is back to where it started , that we welcome our once and future groundskeeper , willie . now lets all enjoy some punch and cookies . willie , you can start cleaning up now . with pleasure . heaven , im in heaven willie , please express yourself through mopping . all right . and when youre done , here are the keys to your new shack . its just like i remember . with one little difference . you made that for me . i think ill need a moment alone . i understand . i liked it the way it was . springfield . itll be dark with rocks and mineral formations and plants that have adapted to harsh wait a minute . this is a scam . were on a nature walk . dont worry , bart . i brought something thatll keep you interested  a nickel in a water bottle . hell sleep tonight . whered it go .  . whered it go .  . its in the cap . local anahoopi indians believed this stalactite was the finger of tsisnajini , their god of pointing down . silly indians . our god made their god . its so impressive . im just gonna get a tiny chip to put on my desk at work . save me , tsisnajini . im stuck . and i have to pee . now im just stuck . dont worry , homer . well get that fireman who cut you out of that teacup ride . that was two firemen , a crane and snow white . why you little . this chambers not on the map . we could be stuck in here forever if we dont find a way out . well , we better start looking . dont leave me . i hate to be alone . except when im watching tv , then leave me alone . but right now , dont leave . ill stay with you , dad . will you tell me a story . sure . once upon a time , in a far off kingdom no unicorns . all right ill tell you something that happened to me last week . i was walking home from school when suddenly i heard hello , mr . bighorn sheep . ive read about you . youre shy , and you rarely approach humans . and of course youd never attack a fellow herbivore . mad beast . liberal midget . good lord . a wooly bully . run . run . come on . enter password . damn it . i forget . forgot password . enter place of birth . pangaea . correct . your password has been e mailed to you . so long , sucker . i mean , dont leave an old man to die . so long , sucker . maybe mr . smithers will help us . no , hes out getting a spray on tan . he comes back orange and stains the furniture . the mans a walking creamsicle . you worked at moes . yes and therein lies a tale of woe and heartbreak . one i couldnt possibly recount . i understand . ill just read a magazine . okay , heres the story i belong to a very exclusive club , the excluders club . one day , while i was savoring the exclusivity wait , now youre telling me burnss story . yeah its like the play within a play in hamlet . lets see its like when you watch old home movies of you watching tv . gotcha . one day a new member arrived at the club whos this dried up ol apricot . im in oil . whats your racket , slim . nuclear power . i make money using my brain , not sticking a pole in the ground and praying for goo . you need to get your hands dirty , poindexter . dip em in a little texas crude . down in houston , we call that a fort worth shampoo . sir , i challenge you to a duel . you got it . a bullet in the brain at high noon . at my age , that could kill me . how about we settle things with a scavenger hunt . youre on , twiggy . sorry bout that . gentlemen , you will each be given an identical list of ten items . the first person to collect all items on said list is the winner , and shall receive all of his opponents worldly possessions . im gonna win me a nucular plant . dream on , bitch . scavengers scavenge . im bald . i had but one item left on the list a picture of myself with a smiling child . what could be easier . its the boogeymans grandfather . hes gonna drink our bones . smile . like this . i won . everything yours is mine . hiyo , smithers . away . with nowhere else to turn , i spent the first three days with relatives . i had to get a job . and i had to start at the bottom . but to get to the bottom , i had to work my way up from moe . hey , bar boy, , this tables wobbly . come jam your foot under it . shey , bar boy, , write a play where i meet henry ford and captain kirk . hey , bar boy, , dance around like an idiot . like this . im so stupid . im so stupid . im a little busy . can i do it later . sure . youre gonna be all im so stupid . im so stupid . im so stupid . burns sure will look like a jerk later . at . an hour , it would take an eternity to make my fortune back and fica wasnt helping . but then , for once in my life , things went my way . i steamed the letter open with moes cappuccino machine . if youre reading this , i am dead , and you are about to learn the story of my treasure . treasure .  . treasure .  . moe has a cappuccino machine .  . we couldnt find a way out . but on the up side , i found some cave paintings and made them awesome . boy , come here and listen to lisas story . its about moes treasure . so to contin ue with the sad sto ry of moes treasure . it was the first day of summer . i was heading to the restaurant supply store to buy some urinal cake mix when i was suddenly sideswiped by love . there she was , the gorgeous new girl in town , edna krabappel . you poor man . she had gossamer hair , limpid eyes and the rack of an angel . i see youre new to town . maybe i could show you around . i know a terrific tavern . my ex husband was a drunk . i hate bars , saloons , nightclubs , and most of all , taverns . yeah , me , too . thats why im not a tavern keeper . what do you do for a living . me . well i , for a living . well , theres , all kinds of things a fella can do , such as hemming and hawing and , but me , im a highly respected therapist for alcoholics . wow . i knew that in order to win her love i needed to get rid of the human garbage otherwise known as my best friends . get out of my come on . barney , how do you keep getting back in . im a drunk . i dont know nothing about how i do anything . fly me to the moon let me play among the stars for one sweet summer , i was a true gentleman . as a result of which , krabappel was letting me do her . so , mrs . krabappel , you got any plans . in the fall , ill be teaching fourth grade at springfield elementary . thats great . wonderful bunch of kids . lab partners dont treat lab partners like this . shut up and attract lightning . edna , youve made me feel love where before there was only pain . come here , you . oh , geez . hey , moe . thanks to you , ive been sober a week . yeah , me , too . were all sober . these are some of the local alcoholics i told you about . dont pigeonhole us . we have other vices . i dress up like a baby . come on , guys , let me give you some counseling over here . listen , boozebags , i got a good thing going here . if you mess it up , i will out the one of you that is gay . so , where were we . i had to get edna out of springfield , make a fresh start in a new town far away , a place where we can play bridge with our neighbors . and if theyre interested in wife swapping, , who am i to say no . hey , im just the new guy . but where would i get the money to start a new life . and then opportunity strolled right in the door . yes , well , i need directions to the springfield natural history museum . i totally have a donation for them . coins money gold . see , this was back before snake became a notorious jailbird , when he was an idealisc , law abiding young archaeologist . i was , like , excavating this mayan pyramid , and i totally unearth these gold coins , and im all like , could you be any more pre columbian . you cant donate that gold to the museum today , because , its closed , so they can clean under the wangs on the statues . well , no problem . ill just spend the night in that motel across the street there . love had handed me an awful dilemma . should i rob this guy or rob him and kill him . i decided to do the right thing . ive been robbed . ill take my revenge on society by which , i mean convenience stores . and who would suspect me , professor jailbird .  . before we left town for good , we had to make one stop , so she could tell the school she wouldnt be teaching there . back in a flash , my sweet little gargoyle . i was the happiest guy in the world . but fate likes to play a little game called up yours , moe . moe , we need to talk . about what . how nothing changed when you were in there . not exactly . you see , when i went inside young man , its summertime . what are you doing here . ive got detention all summer . why . because im a screwup . my sisters the smart one . all i do is get in trouble . sweetheart , do you want to do better . it doesnt matter . everyones pretty much given up on me . i bet i wont even make it through fourth grade . youlle it through fourth grade , because im going to stay here and be your teacher . wait , . theres one thing i dont understand here . you never had detention all summer . that load of crap . no , i was just keeping her busy while nelson stole microscopes . make with the story . well , my best recollection of burns paraphrasing of what he read in moes letter is that krabappel told moe i have to stay here in springfield , because boys like bart simpson need me sweet , misunderstood boys , who just need someone to recognize the basic goodness thats trapped inside them and is desperately trying to get out . there was nothing i could do . well , except go nuts . you crazy skirt . nobody backs out on fake good moe . i ought to . why do you all . in other words i love if i couldnt spend the treasure on edna , i didnt want to spend it . i just sat there playing our song on the jukebox , one gold coin at a time . oh , you poor man . youre about to get a lot poorer . okay , ill take your gold and give you back all your worldly possessions , ceptin your nucular plant . you dont get that back till you bring me a photo of yourself with a smiling child . what the hell could that mean to you . im obsessive compulsive . one , two , three , four . one , two , three , four . one , two , three , four . no nucular plant without a photo . one , two , three , four . thats where we left off . one , two , three , four . so , without my beloved nuclear plant , i have nothing to live for . take me , a barren old thistle , and spare this sweet young flower . my pearl necklace . i must have lost it , and you were just bringing it back to me . how did you find this . the sheep was no danger at all . i sacrificed my gorgeous body for nothing . this must be what its like to have a baby . i want a photo of the hero who risked his life to save me . a picture of me with a smiling child . i can get my plant back . mr . burns got his plant back , and i like to think i found a shred of humanity in his withered soul . dad , did my story make you cry . well , it was very moving , but the thing is , bats are chewing my legs . why did i lead you down here to find those stupid coins . homer , you brought us to this horrible place on purpose . you didnt think it was so horrible when you were falling down the hole . that was the most horrible part of all . well , i guess i should explain . not long ago , it was my day to take care of the baby , so i was out in the forest , hiding . the yellow gold of texas is what i want to save i will not pay no taxes if i hide it in a cave . i deduced from his parody lyrics that he was hiding gold in the cave . i figured hed never miss two or three pieces money which we could use to pay for barts operation . i need an operation . thats a story for another day . i realized i could never find the gold without your help , so i made it this weeks family outing . ill take that gold , ifn you please . how can you take it . we havent found it . its right there behind that rock . no , to your left . texas left , which is your down . ill take that gold , ifn you please . not so fast , shady bird johnson . ill take that gold . yeah , youll take it . and then youll give it to me , if you know whats good for ya . you guys have guns . well , so do i . coolest entrance gets the gold . is it okay that i brought my son . this is my day with him . jeremy , theres a boy over there you can play with . do you like xbox . looks like we got us a mexican standoff . if you all dont drop your guns and behave , no one gets the gold . and why do you really want it anyway . moe , will the gold bring back ednas love . it could . definitely . mr . burns , isnt it more important that you got a child to smile at you . honestly , no , id rather have the gold . absolutely . i couldnt agree more . i can see theres only one way to turn you into human beings again . lady , i oughta fill you full of gratitude . that gold was turning us into monsters . well , i know a place where we can atone for our misdeeds . theyre building a youth center in shelbyville and totally need volunteers . lets go there now . yes , lets . illill catch up with you . and thats why i didnt have time to study for my geography test . bart , do you expect me to believe that . that story is the biggest load of krabappel . making out with moe . but i thought you didnt want to date a tavern owner . at this point , all i wants a man with a healthy libido . well , this is where it gets awkward again . moe cant catch a break . one , two , three , four . cant catch a break . one , two , three , four . cant catch a break . one , two , three , four . and theres some producers . one , two , three , four . four producers . springfield . its a lot of little stuff . god has to pay all the elves in his workshop . plus hes got all those planets to support . did you see that ring he gave saturn . who knew saints had such fat heads . its all a big scam . this booth . no , religion in general . not bad . heres your candy apple , sir . excellent . this fundraiser is close to achieving the lords goal building a taller steeple than the one on that snooty episcopal church across the street . reverend , why do we really need this . to compensate for my own sense of smallness . and now for our main event the rubber duck race . the first duck to cross the finish line wins this home computer . thats the new femac , the computer designed just for women . the youve got mail voice is susan sarandon . youve got mail , unlike the prisoners at guantanamo bay . get informed . dont worry , marge . me and terrible two here are going to win that computer for you . how can you be sure . cause he wants it . on your marks , get set wait . someones not on their mark . thats better . go . now to begin operation slight edge . im winning . hes headed for the old mill . no , cheatie , no . too many paddles . protect the duck . doh . protect the duck . uh . produck the tect . hey . this race is for rubber ducks , not meat ducks . whoo hoo . i won . and the winner is duh . a living duck . i wished too hard and he became real . and the winner is ned flanders . this is my favorite kind of surprise mild . there , . the fact that you tried means everything . hey , thats the same thing you said to bart after he choked in that soccer game . and we both know he sucked . and how . but this is different . hey , marge , i dont , i dont really want a computer . you know , all those complete strangers googling each other makes my flesh crawl . just put it in the trunk and leave . ned , thats so generous . but there must be something i could do in return . well , sir , we could do a little quid pro for the kaypro . that left handed convention is in town and as the owner of springfields largest southpaw shop , i just got to be there . could you nanny goat my kid diddly . let me see . just a sec . yeah , sure . id be happy to baby sit for rod and todd . im so glad youre watching the boys , marge . our last baby sitter let them watch comedy central . now rod makes me check the closet every night for rita rudner . no rudner . heres the numbers for the police , fire , ambulance , poison control , burn clinic and people nearby with rod and todds blood type . carl . so youre going to be chilling with me tonight . you want to play a game . how about a sitting still contest . hands folded . okay , game over . its a tie . that means we both come in second . were number two . were number two . what do you think , maggie . wow , its the big unit himself , randy johnson . you fanned more men than salome . yeah , i get that a lot . im here promoting my new line of left hand teddy bears , randy johnson southpawz . this ones a doctor . you can give it to your doctor . you have one for a mailman . a bear cant be a mailman . now how many dr . bears do you want . they come in boxes of a thousand . one box . you and me got a problem . heres my mask . im a star wars . now lets see who youve drawn . im my brother todd . im my brother rod . ah . this is too scary . change back . ill help you . im a chimpmunk . i eat nuts without saying grace . im a permission slip . and thank you god for letting mrs . simpson come over . it was the most fun weve had since mommy was here . and could you ask mommy to come to daddy in a dream and tell him how to cut our sandwiches . and please tell mrs . simpson its rude to eavesdrop on our prayers . but we forgive her . hiya , marge . are rod and todd in the land of nod . we had a lot of fun . theyre terrific kids . hey , youre welcome to see the dynamic duo any time . well , then maybe i will come by more often . and homer can spend more time with our kids . hes watching them now . ready . ready . and joust . that was awesome . lets do it again . a canoe made of country ham . you know ill eat it . whats wrong with your teeter totter . daddy says up and down see saws are dangerous . chocks .  . why dont we try it freestyle . el mundo es loco . i heard in study hall you were baby sitting tonight . homer . were not in high school . so , marge , in tomorrows game , im gonna recover a fumble just for you . maybe youll run it in for a touchdown . dont pressure me . i get enough of that from my dad . well , maybe we can take your mind off things by studying for the sat snuggles and tickles . old man flanders . hey , homer . sneaking kisses from the missus . springfield high football rules . no one turn on the sprinklers , okay . dad , moms over at the flanders , baby sitting nimrod and nimtodd . we want to do something . fine . as soon as i finish watching my show . i want to go to the showbiz animal retirement home . they take in animals from the movies and tv that arent cute anymore . old showbiz animals . do you think any of the gremlins from the gremlins movie are there . sure . i am gonna get them so wet . this is much sadder than i expected . sad . youre crazy . i feel like im at the oscars for the animals i forgot existed . aflac . im not a real bear . that was just the name of my character . now let me out . hey , you know where the bathroom is . maybe i do and maybe i dont . you didnt hear it from me , but its next to the rhino cage . word on the street is cover the toilet seat with tissue . sweet tissue . this is toot toot . she played tum in teen tarzans eco adventures . she looks like shes crying . she probably misses her children . theyre all in show business . one of them played the out of judiciary in a republican party commercial . cheer up , toot toot . have some of my ice cream . my sons been ape napped . no , its still kid napped . the prefix applies to the victim . help . shes grooming me . shes grooming me . arent you gonna do something . im afraid theres nothing we can do now . a chimp that size could tear your sons head right off . but shell leave the rest of him alone . would you like to meet flipper . may i remind you theyre old when they come here . well , . look at my dull eyed angels . whats this . its the ripcord from a band aid wrapper . call me ned zeppelin , but is one of my boys abrased and contused . i cut myself on the knife , playing christian clue . the secular humanist did it in the schoolhouse with misinformation . well , i think its about time you boys get to bed . yes , daddy . an so we dont have another disaster . you crawl up these steps . ned , i know you like to worry , but these boys are never going to get self confidence unless you let them try things for themselves . i just cant . theyre all ive got since that sad day when maude found eternal happiness . i though they might enjoy it if i took them here . everythings covered in foam , and its owned by a corporation , so you know its safe . well , their mascot is a kneepad wearing a helmet . why not . wheres bart . i havent seen him since you came home . you havent seen bart for a few hours , so you automatically assume i let something terrible happen . i didnt say that . i know what you think when stupid homer wasnt looking , bart got kidnapped by a monkey . i could never think something that horrible . and now im using sarcasm to confess the whole thing , so later i could say that i already told you . sorry i asked . dad , you cant keep this up for long . youre so right . i guess i should be more concerned with barts safety than covering my own butt . and maybe im talking like this because i cant stop . help me , lisa . i have serious mental problems . look , its been fun and all , but i miss indoor plumbing . sorry , lady . ive never eaten fresh fruit and i reckon i never will . this oreo is rank . bart . bart . when the monkey falls asleep , ill sneak you out in this trash bag . then ill come back and feed the monkey a peach full of antifreeze . i fell asleep before the monkey . lookin good , rod . ned , are you checking up on me . im not ned . im a friendly dog . im not a good liar . i did come here to check on the wheres rod . hes up there , daddy . daddy . look how high i am . what are you doing .  . youre gonna get hurt . i am . he chipped a tooth . how will he bite wheat thins . how .  . comment . im sorry , ned . i never thought this would happen . i dont want you watching my boys ever again . she must be an unfit mother . i am not an unfit mother . we interrupt this skateboarding footage for a breaking news story . local boy bart simpson is being held hostage by an angry chimpanzee who has improved both his hygiene and posture . his so called real mother could not be found for comment . hey , monkey . eat tranquilizer dart . mr . simpson was later revived by a police stun gun . daddy , what are we gonna do today . well , were gonna do what every kid your age likes to do look at bread . no . the n word . we want mrs . simpson back . she let us run barefoot in the grass and play uno . uno .  . thats a gateway game to pinochle . all diddily aside , boys , what is it about her you miss so much . she made us feel happy . and not church happy . for real happy . maybe theres another way to solve this . bart is clearly fulfilling an emotional need for toot toot . lisa , monkeys dont have feelings . if they did , then my experiments could be called cruel . toot toot, , look . im using this rock as a tool . shes kissing his boo boo . thats it , im going in . excuse me , mrs . toot , i need to talk to you mother to mother . while you were living the glamorous life of a tv chimp , i was raising my son . you have no right to take him away from me now . please , give me back my boy . marge , toot toot and her son escaped . the hamburglar was survived by his long time companion , mayor mccheese . now , our latest update on monkey boy bart simpson . toot toot has taken bart to the highest spot in town , the new steeple atop the first church of springfield . now , marge , i know things look bleak , but it should comfort you to know we have this plaque ready to go . hey , i know how we can save bart . m . teeny . he also happens to be toot toots son . but krusty said mr . teeny was born in funny town . nelson , funny town doesnt exist . no . i was gonna live at cuckoo corners . listen , we can trade mr . teeny for bart . we just have to find a way to get him up there . im already doing it . roddy , get down . youre gonna fall . ned , rod needs to know you believe he can be okay on his own . youd be surprised what he could do if you just gave him a chance . rod . you can do it , boy . with god on your side , you cant fail . toot toot, , i have something for you . reunited and it feel so good reunited cause we understood . yeah , great . now i need a new sidekick . get me a lemur , or a marmot . or tom greene , hes not doing anything these days . and really stick it to him on the money . hurry , lets climb down . okay , but dont let our hands touch . its gay . whats gay mean . it means you used to be afraid , but now youre not . im gay , daddy . im gay . mrs . simpson made me gay . i believe hes saying hes okay . my little boys growing up . hey , ill say . i havent seen climbing like that since dudley moore married susan anton . bob , why did i wait a hundred years to get you up here . youre tellin me . now i can look down dolly partons dress whenever i want . de dolly parton quand je le veux . guys , im trying to watch this . hey , im sorry . what got into her . her kids fruitier than carmen mirandas hat rack . remember her . mr . simpson was later revived by a police stun gun . springfield . he said hes gonna make a surprise announcement . maybe hes getting married . why the hell would he want to do that blessed sacrament that has made my life so rich . i like your hat , sweetie . im not wearing a hat . i mean , the one at the house . another party and we caint go . yeah . just cause wes afraid of using the uppity box . hey , ned . aint no party like a lenny party cause a lenny party dont stop . i got to work tomorrow . i better go . my god . how did lenny get to be newsfake magazines man of the year . thats just a souvenir from an amusement park . what . next youll be telling me he didnt meet woody woodpecker . i dated the woman in that suit for three months . then she left me for the guy who cleans the vomit off the roller coasters . hey , lenny , i see you cut the celery at an angle here . makes my straight cut celery look like crap . attention , everybody . please shut up . i know youre all wondering why youre here . the fact is , im dying to tell you that i have adopted a new faith in the power of technological advances to make me happy . thats right , ive got a new plasma screen hdtv . ive never seen a picture so highly defined . lenny , this tv is amazing . if youre not careful , i might just spend the rest of my life on your couch . you dont mean that literally , of course . youre right , lenny . i lenny , bring me a beer and your deepest chamber pot . chop chop . look at that picture quality . you can see the soulless emptiness in that sharks eyes . two and a half men . you can see the soulless emptiness in charlie sheens eyes . dad , please come home . we miss you . is that a high def tv .  . mom didnt say anything about high def . later , if i have enough energy , we can walk up to the tv and ill show you how thin it is . wow , theres a rainbow outside . oh , yeah . well , right theres a commercial with a dancing cold sore . break out . ha ha . hoo hoo . ha ha . break out . ha ha . hoo hoo . ha ha . ha . hoo hoo . he he . ha ha . and bodell jenks the third crashes into bodell jenks . the winner is bodell jenks , junior . wow , i can actually feel the heat . beat it . this is my alone time . can you at least take a picture of me with the tv . i aint fallin for that again . yeah . good times . stupid non plasma tv . picture so blurry . might as well rub dirt in my eyes . homie , ive been thinking . we have been using this tv for a long time , so i entered a contest where the first prize is a plasma screen tv . marge . i love you . i love you . i love you . now i really hope we win that contest . theres a chance we wont win .  . my collection is complete . yello . congratulations , mr . simpson . youve won . the big screen tv . no . no one wins that . you won third prize , a tour of the fox network in los angeles , california . all expenses paid . look , i gotta go . heres where we make the best damn sports show , period . and theres where we make the worst damn comedy show , period . why look . theres dan castellaneta from the tracey ullman show . hey , funny man . say something funny . please dont lean out of the tram , sir . you might get hurt . dont lean out of the tram heres where we develop our many reality shows . theres dwarf or midget america decides , and million dollar fart off . mother flippers . whats this show about . this is a reality program , dear , where we take wives from two very different families and they trade places for a month . i already saw that exact same show on another network . here , sweetie , have a fox sweatshirt . this is an abc sweatshirt . yeah , and it zips all the way up . spray em down . so , whats the prize on this wife swap show . about enough to buy a new plasma tv . thats just the product ive been coveting . pick us . pick us . not so fast . are you sure you want your most intimate moments broadcast across the country . are you kidding . take a look at my dvd . theyll never let me near lake havasu again . what are you doing , homer . im signing us up for a reality show where we trade you to another family . well , that might be interesting . or it could damage many , lives . marge , youre the greatest mom ever . i want the whole world to see that . thats very sweet , but i look , maam , ive done a lot of these . everybody has fun , no one gets hurt and you make a lot of money you could really use . and if you say yes now , itll make a great act break . ill do it . perfect . but could you say it again with more emphasis on the ill . ill do it . no , go back to the first way . ill do it . wait , i wasnt happy with that . you know what , just do it the way it feels comfortable to you . ill do it . ill do it . ill do it . ill do it . ill do it . how was that . well get it later . verity , who will be your new mom , is the youngest ever full professor at yale . i got my tenure at . oh , really . bart , when did you get your tenure . i got my tenure right here . yeah , well i have full tenure . we better pixelate those . there arent enough pixels in the world . yeah , just cover it with ryan seacrests head . this is charles . you can call me charlie . but do not call me late when there are scones about . its a little british humor . ill bet the twist is hes gay . your two families will exchange wives for a month , then a viewer vote will decide who they think is the least reprehensible . i dont understand , dad . our family has so many flaws . why must we share them with the world . because well be on tv , and earn enough money to buy a tv . tv . but dad yes , tv sa . forget it . listen up , stonehenge . i made a drawing of the places on marge you cant touch . especially the hair . oh , you neednt worry . im a bit of an elbow man , myself , actually . a bit different , a bit weird . not sexual . you take forever to say nothing . you know , you dont seem like the money hungry semi stripper whos usually on fox . whyd you do it . well , i thought there was no further way i could humiliate my husband , and then this opportunity came along . i see . well , i should be getting to the living room . you know , i despise my husband . well , he didnt get the prize pig at the fair , either . charles hasnt satisfied me in years . yeah , thats how i feel about notre dame football . cruel , dusty years . i dont know why i ever married that woman . so , charles , what do you do for a living . well , im an office manager , and , no , i didnt even get a promotion today , again . so , go on , go ahead . disembowel me with your pointy , words . really . you manage a whole office . yes . yes . yes i do , actually . well , thats very impressive . does that include the people and the furniture . yeah , and i decide where the christmas partys held . actually , its decided by committee , but , you know , i choose the committee . hello . i dont , i dont choose the committee as such , but , you know , i choose where they meet . this year i am thinking of conference room c . that leaves a and b available for overflow . well done . bart , i told you no television till you do the dishes . and i do not call that doing the dishes . well , my mom says why bother punishing me , i never learn . disgusting . young man , im going to turn that cartoon into homework . help me , cameraman . i let you smoke a cigarette in my bedroom . that was a joint . and i have a name . its doug . then itchy used an ice cream scoop to scoop out scratchys heart and make it a sundae . the end . now , homer , would you care to give your report on csi miami . theres this guy that got killed . i think it was in miami . so csi miami investigated ed it . then a family said how much they loved the olive garden . then i fell asleep . when i woke up , letterman was talking to alias . thats wonderful . indeed . now , if youll excuse me , i have a mandarin chinese lesson . xie . zai jian . hes a very impressive boy . the apple doesnt fall far from the tree . a tree thats been alone for far too long . i dont get it . are you saying youre the tree . maybe . are my roots showing . wordplay , brilliant . would you like to hear a joke . as long as its not a knock knock joke . i always ruin them by saying , come in . no , . this joke is actually quite funny . you see , this man , he finds a magic lamp , and a genie comes out . thats funny . thats just the setup . well , youve set me up , for laughs down the road . so the genie says , ill give you three wishes , but whatever you get , your wife gets double . okay . remember that . how nice for her . now , heres the humor . the man says , i want a new car . the genie says , your wife gets two . okay , remember the double . the man says , i want a new house . so the genie says , your wife gets two . so the man says beat me half to death . its funny . dont you get it . cause she gets double , so if he gets beaten half to death , the wife would be beaten to death . that sounds horrible . i agree , terrible . offensive towards women . little amusing , dont you think . no . me , either . spousal abuse . its , uh , its a real problem . its not funny . its tragic , if anything so well , i liked the genie part . that was fun . you think so . yes , i could really picture him . with curly shoes and smoke all over the place . youre a born storyteller . well , yeah , i suppose i am , yeah . yeah , not a murderer . no . would you like to hear another joke . i sure would . let me just get us some iced tea . one more kind word from her and i am completely smitten . your toaster takes bagels . how ritzy . and there we have it . whats that delicious smell . im burning all your underwear . whats with the kimono . are we having lachoy . no marge , i was just sitting around drinking vermouth and contemplating how , just when youre drowning in a pit of despair , life can throw you a beautiful blue life preserver . i thought life preservers only came in orange . because wouldnt it be hard to see blue in the ocean . pa , . no logic . not tonight . wheres ben . the housekeeper took him out for a walk . how long do we have to stay here . till im sick of drinking these , and im never sick of drinkin these . thats right , it just gets worse . so , you see , we have the whole house to ourselves . oh , who left this here . did i tell you im a bit of a songwriter . words and music , hold the applause . i wrote this song for a woman . you . what an odd thing for a man whos not interested in me to do . yes . not interested . let me just breathe your scent for a moment before i play . lady when you came to me , i was feeling blue just like your hair , you see blue just like the moon but only when the moon is blue and not when it is cream and now that you are here with me i am in a dream oh , yeah , marge , your dreams can come true . lady , when you go away i feel like i could die not like dye like your hair is dyed but die like lady di and not like di like her name is di but die like when she died . but lady just like lady di be my princess tonight but dont die dont die . no way . that song was very nice . howd you think up so many rhyming words . marge , i love you . and i can tell from your basic level of courtesy that you love me , too . what .  . no . listen , charles , i dont want to hurt your feelings because you love me , right . admit it . we were born to fall into each others arms on reality tv . im sorry , but i love homer . of course you do . hes a real man , not like me , a miserable toad under the thumb of the biggest bitch this side of the westminster kennel club . charles , please , your son might see this . hes not my son . his real father is either the pool man or my wifes lover . theyre the main two candidates ive narrowed it down to . pretty sure . there , . god , i miss homer . i miss him , too . what is it about him that is so damned irresistible . well hes loved me ever since the first moment he saw me , and hes never stopped . and whatever it takes to make me happy , hell do it even if it kills him . sorry , i ran out of tape just before that beautiful speech of hers . but i got a great shot of him saying his sons a bastard . lisa , que fais tu dans cet etat . la fox ma envoye ici pour venir te chercher . jai eu le droit de prendre freedolance air force yum . et je suis contrainte de dire , come to the cool ranch and rope in favouryeehaw , . lets go homesweetie , im sure there are waiting for me et je viens avec vous pour dire ma sorcire de femme tu es vire . jimitais donald trump , dans le milliardaire . si vous saviez de qui je parle , vous seriez mortes de rire . je sais qui est donald trump . moi aussi . je ne pense pas . bande dabrutis . je ne la vois nul part . il est temps pour homer de redevenir homer . homer , tu mas tellement manqu . remets ton pantalon . oh marge , merci mon dieu , tu es de retour . elle ma fait passer du temps avec les enfants . et le temps pour la tlvision est devenu un temps de dialogue . o est elle . o est cette suceuse dme . magie . dans son berceau . non , je parle de ma future ex femme . je ne suis pas sur que vous vouliez la voirl , maintenant . oh que si . elle va avoir le choc de sa vie . charles , je te quitte . tu roupilles , tu perds . tu me quittes pour lui . cest ce que lon pourrait penser . mais le cousin ed est n femme . ce qui nous a rapproch , cest notrehaine pour toi . et bien je vais voter non ce me amandement , et vous ne pourrez pas adopter . je plaisante . je plaisante . je ne vote pas . le bureau de vote est en haut de la colline , et je ny arrive jamais . tu me fais rire , tu me fais pleurer . sans toi je voudrais simplement mourir . pour le reste de ma vie , tu seras une rvlation . laisse moi donc admirer ton image . et marge , tu assures aussi . yeahwhatever , . springfield . i thought it was about her boobs . tonight on jock center a slugger on roids , tiger woods is annoyed , and north korean missiles deployed . but first , the commissioner of pro football has announced plans to expand the league . owners will meet soon to award a new team to one lucky city . well , its a cinch springfield wont be that lucky city . yeah , the only thing were known for is leading the country in heart attacks . ive had enough of your stinkin thinkin . i , homer simpson , will personally bring the new pro football franchise to springfield . god , we have fun . homie , snagging a pro football franchise is a big project , requiring a lot of follow through . and thats not your strong suit , big guy . ill show you all . im going to spearhead the hell out of this expansion bid . homie , youve been down here for a week . i really think you need what the hellmanns real mayonnaise .  . marge , meet pro footballs newest team the springfield meltdowns . plus , i designed a state of stadium . well fund it with corporate naming rights . its the duff beer krustyburger buzz cola costingtons department store kwik e stupid flanders park . so homer do good . homer do great . maybe homer brush teeth first . gentlemen , ive narrowed our choice of expansion cities down to two springfield i own slums there . and los angeles , which has sent us this videotape . i love l . a . oh , hi . im rob reiner , director of when harry met sally . ill have what shes having was one of the lines . im here to tell you why you should choose l . a . over springfield . l . a . has the beach , a thriving music scene , and the beautiful getty museum . springfield has apu nahasapeemapetilon . hollywood takes in talented actors and writers from all over the world . springfield takes in garbage from other cities . but dont just take my word for it . some of hollywoods biggest stars have taken the time to sign waivers allowing celebrity impersonators to sing in this video . enjoy . l . a . makes great movies and awesome tv shows springfield dont make nothin because springfield blows springfield blows springfield blows springfield blows yes , springfield blows im sick of l . a .  . they got earthquakes , wildfires , bennifers , brangelinas , and that potty mouth , sarah silverman . to hell with all of em . i didnt kill my husband to get control of his franchise to give a team to los angeles . then springfield it is . now if youll excuse me , i gotta go tell my gay grandson i still love him . this is kent brockman live at duff beer krustyburger buzz cola costingtons department store kwik e stupid flanders park . in just one hour , the commissioner of football will arrive to sign the contracts necessary to make springfield the home of pro footballs newest team the meltdowns . ive got melt mania . i got downs syndrome . in honor of the commissioners visit , the city has been repainted in the team colors and all the streets whimsically renamed . touchdown avenue . delightful . who ya talkin to . your imaginary girlfriend . isnt your mother a well known whore . you win this round , mel . it is my honor to introduce the commissioner of football , mr . bud armstrong . there , seems to be some delay . did i ever tell you people about the time i met lloyd bridges . yeah , you passed him in the airport . yes , but which airport . hartsfield in atlanta . this map says things like oak street and evergreen terrace , but all i see are two point avenue and off season knee surgery boulevard . id better call and ask for directions . ill just blackberry my assistant . my god . what a day . who are you . what do you want . what year is it . who are you . i have to borrow your phone . and i also need to use your bathroom . as you can tell , ive been crying . tonight on minutes , we look at americas number one problem criminals who prey on the elderly people who watch this program . id go to some geezers house and ask to use their phone or their bathroom . well , im done with the bathroom . now im going to make that phone call . then id steal their wallets , jewelry and pictures of their grandkids . i made a collage of these , and when you step back , it looks like my face . if i knock him out , ill be a hero . and people will listen to my loose brained nonsense . by the shores of gitche gumee by the shining big sea water stood the wiggum of nokomis im sorry , did i just say wiggum . i meant wigwam . yeah , let me , et me start again . its so strange that the commissioner didnt show up . maybe hes thinking of a new shape for the football . not so tough when someone hits you from behind with golf club , are ya . grampa , thats the commissioner of football . i thought he was trying to steal my jewels and all them pictures of bert and lucy . i am never coming back to this city , and neither is the league . you mean thats right . the springfield meltdowns football club shall never be . youre a useless old man . name one thing you do for this family . i watch the baby . where is the baby . you left me with a baby .  . hey , abe . thanks for losing us our football team . thanks to you , we have a hundred million stadium we can only use for farmers markets . nobody loves you when youre old and gray nobody needs you when youre upside down everybodys hollering about their own birthday everybody loves you when youre six foot in the ground . youre the only smile i got . abe , i know youve been real depressed lately on account of everyone hating ya , including me . but i thought you might want to call this number . a doctor . i already got enough doctors touching me and poking me and squeezing me up here and jiggling me down there , and thats just the receptionist . abe , . this doctor helps old people to kill themselves . euthanasia . no way . i want to die with dignity . like slipping in the shower and then they find me two weeks later , swollen up so bad , they dont know if im man or sofa . just go for a visit . theres a howard johnsons next door . youll get some pie . mr . simpson , you are a good candidate for assisted suicide . aw , i think youre cute , too . but killing yourself isnt as easy as putting on an ugly sweater like you did today . i want you to carefully think about this for hours . oh , i see . you want me to reconsider whether or not i really should give up my life . yeah , and were cleaning out the death machine today . a lot of gunk gets stuck in it . okay , if i get a single phone call in the next hours , ill keep on living . if you go , can i have your blanket and your liver . blanket . sure . liver . never . homie , you should give your dad a call . you cant stay mad at him forever . yeah , youre right . yello . you want my opinion on current movies . well , first of all , theyre all perfect . also , whens the capn crunch movie coming out . and will it be r or hard r . thats it . its time for me to die . ill just get mad about one thing in the newspaper , then go . president visits europe .  . on my dime .  . i am so honored that youve chosen me to murder you . youll be following in the footsteps of socrates , virginia woolf , ernest hemingway , hunter s . thompson and fred kanickee . whos fred kanickee . my appointment before you . nice guy . just a little screwed up . now , it is time to hook you up to the diepod . as you surrender your body , what music and visual imagery would you like to experience . i want to hear the glenn miller orchestra , and i want to see cops beating up hippies . one minute to go . hands off the stiff , manfred manslaughter . the voters just overturned the assisted suicide law . ill kill you all . when the laws reversed . ha , id like to see you try . when the laws reversed . i think you know my brother in , fred kanickee . hoo , boy . im dead . i never felt so alive . and i got my body back . look out . hey , idiot . now lets see . am i in heaven or hell . thats odd . youd think theyd come back as the cows . charlie chaplin . they sure put you to work . you said it . and you can talk . good for you . what the youre all dead , too .  . so who went berserk , fatso or the little guy . were not dead , and neither are you . im not .  . i guess if you want to commit suicide around here you got to do it yourself . suicide .  . grampa , killing yourself is a sin . god wants us to die of old age after years of pain and reduced mobility . i aint going to kill myself , cause i just learned something . the brief time i thought i was dead was the happiest ive ever been because i was finally living without fear and dagnabit , thats the way im going to live the rest of my life . i am , i am , i am superman and i know whats happening i am , i am , i am superman and i can do anything . youre all going to die in a pointless war . were here tonight to discuss possible uses for this football stadium , including the solid gold statue of mike ditka with diamond eyes . i suggest we use the stadium for the ancient art of the toreador bullfighting . no , wait , . bullfighting is a cruel pseudo sport . lisas right . it is a cool , super sport . everyone in favor of bringing bullfighting to springfield say ole . ole . so ordered . all we need now is , uh , er , uh , er , uh , er , uh , er , uh , a , uh matador . if its all the same to you , ill take on those bulls . grampa , no . grampa , si . if the bull dies , the crowd goes wild . if grampa dies , the crowd goes wild . either way , we make a fortune on souvenirs and snacks . can we bring outside food . not even gum . is the practice bull ready . hell , yeah . ole . a penny . this is my lucky day . yep , my lucky day . how many bulls must my grandfather kill shes so cute . well bring you the bulls heart , sweetie . had my doubts , but grampa sure looks manly in those leggings . and i dont know whos more handsome , the bull taunter or the bull stabber . and the corrida del toro has begun . the bull charges at grampa simpson . and he avoids the toro with a masterful veronica . this old man has no fear . like the fear i feel that i have left the iron on at home . have i . have i .  . and another veronica . and another . that last veronica means everyone here today has won a free side of rice and beans at the springfield taco pronto . tired of waiting two hours for a taco . go to taco pronto . grampa , i think you should give up the bullfighting . forget it . id look pretty stupid in this outfit walking around fighting oysters . but you just got a new lease on life . why would you want to use it to hurt poor , helpless animals . listen , im years old , and for the first time in my life people are cheering for me . i was always cheering for you , grampa till now . how does she always know how to get to me . grampa simpsons movements are tentative , as if he is distracted . distracted as if by a moral dilemma . a moral dilemma posed by a young boy no , a girl . a girl named linda . no , lisa . the flutter of the cape tells all . hurry up and kill it . i have to be at the opera by . yeah , come on . kill him . i dont get what hes doing , and im smart . not book smart or street smart or brain smart , but something . he has released the bulls from the stadium . thank god i am up high . please , no . i have a wife and three girlfriends . grampa must have set them free . ol gils back on track . hes got a new job and a new red suit . if you let me go , i give you free large pizza pie with purchase of same . offer not good tuesday through sunday . were closed on monday . ah , santa maria . thanks for setting me straight , sweetie . denada , grampa . it sure is peaceful up here . i would like to name the following friends of mine as members of the communist party . youre just here to test the microphone . springfield . burns shows a movie at work . im not sittin up front with you guys . its bad for your eyes . suckers . before we begin the movie , please join me in a moment of silence for the workers who gave their lives in an heroic mo vie . mo vie . mo vie . mo vie . mo vie . the american worker proud , tough , hardworking . and tired . these jobs are killing us . outsourcing , take them away . its a miracle . they moved our factory to a third world nation . now i have more time to play the lottery . ka ching . hey , america , why not let some of the other countries carry their share of the load . you can , with the best kind of sourcing outsourcing . what a great film . and i think it makes a terrific point effective immediately , im closing the plant and moving all operations to india . does this mean were losing our jobs . no , . your jobs are safe . theyll just be done by someone else in another country . no . i just bought a million house . however , federal law requires i keep one union worker on the payroll . so , congratulations , whoever catches this bouquet . woo hoo . i win . in your face , best friends . youve been transferred to india .  . hey , marge , its what i gotta do to keep this family living in luxury . luxury . this thermostat is just painted on . my god . youre right . id better call the guy . send someone right over . here he is . dad , thats mac tonight . yeah . well , while im gone , youll do what he says . whats a macgyver , and why does it have a convention . macgyver was a show about a secret agent who used inventions made of everyday objects to defeat bad guys . and he was played by the three greatest names in the history of television richard dean anderson . did someone mention my names . richard dean anderson . you finally came to our convention . no . im looking for the convention for my new show , stargate sg . that . its over there . star gate, , s . g .  . star gate, , s . g .  . youre into macgyver . that show was so stupid . oh , im macgyver . i can make a bomb out of a banana peel and a toaster . that show was just a paycheck to me , and nothing more . how could he say that . macgyver is my world . richard dean anderson just pissed off the wrong richard dean anderson fans . star gate . richard dean anderson , of the four star franchises and is easily my third favorite . i get that a lot . question s . g . how would your character , major general jonathan jack oneill , react to appearing at the springfield stargate fanfest . i feel like ive just gone through the stargate to one heck of a convention . hes aware of us . what in the name of steve ditko .  . hey , let go . hey , watch the face . i need that for acting . hes gone . there must be a stargate in this stadium . everybody , look for it . wait , . i have some even more exciting news . there is a girl in the audience . everybody look for her . this is a kilt , and im not a girl . youre as close as well ever get . get him . surprise . this is kidnapping . people are gonna know im missing . theres a liquor store i go to every morning . this isnt a kidnapping . no . think of it as a two on macgyver convention . that will never , end . first , youre gonna sign a couple of autographs . you can write help me all you want . no one will ever see it . dad , well miss you so much . ill miss you kids , too . attention . india air flight now boarding first class , small children and fat guys . thats me . homie , i got you something to read on the plane . a book . secrets i learned at breakfast . the cereals just a metaphor . its a book about management , and lee iacocca says its definitely dot useful . thanks , sweetie . ive never been less angry to receive a book . this isnt india . wheres the university of notre dame , the indy wrigley field , dodger dogs . you ignorant american , you have confused india with indiana , with illinois , and the cubs with the dodgers . no . i took a job on the other side of the world . i hate this subcontinent . hello . lisa , its me . im in trouble . calm down , dad . what happened . a cow took my ipod and i punched it . do i have to . okay , ill showthe cow i adore it . baby , did you lose weight . come on , babydont , play hard to milk . okay , apu said his cousin kavicould help me out . lets see apus cousin is medium height , dark complexion , brown eyes , black hair . are you kavi . no . are you kavi . yes . you must bemr . homer . finally . hes escaped . well be bustedfor kidnapping . i cant face jail . i can . richard dean anderson . why did you come back . to tell youhow i escaped . i had to get out before another one of your bristly kisses . then i remembered the blue contacts i wear to hide my latino heritage . now all i needed was a sling strong enough to support my frame . a bra . macgyver lives . and not just at a . m . on the usa network . my real life escapefrom your love dungeon was the most excitingthing ive ever done . it was . tie me up soi can do it again . but this timedont make it so easy . no . delighted . too much . not for macgyver . why did you want to makean entrance like that , sir . i am a showman . welcome , new employees , of the bangalore nuclear power plant . the energy generated here is transmitted through undersea cables right back to america . you know , moethat , sign is powered by non american workers . so what . your beers germanand the tvs japanese . well , is there anythingin this bar thats made in america . just this . god . misfire . now id like to introduce you to your new manager . youll find his integrityand dedication make him untouchable . sorry im late . i was doing carnac with my bodyguard . hindu . what do you callthe moisture on your hin . classic . now , tell them howto run a nuclear plant . did i say um . man , what do i do . wait , the book marge gave me . okay , book , i didnt read you and you didnt read me , but were bothin this together . so say something smart or get ready to run like hell . in business as in breakfast , fried eggs have fragile yolks . hes got them eating out of his hand . and to think you doubted him , smithers . sir , can we talk about this arranged marriage of mine . yello . dad , i got to write a report on the great lakes . just outsource it to lisa . outsourcing is the answer to everything . also , i cant sleep at night cause theres this new bully who follows me home , and i think hes in the house . outsourcing . im very glad to see you favor outsourcing . i myself have found work with several american companies . ibm help line , this is brian . have you tried disabling your firewall . dallas fort worth marriott . how can i help yall . well , we have a cotton bowl special . go aggies . this is queen mama jumbo . the stars tell me you have a question . no , jenny , dont be dating that boy . the bones dont lie . hes bad mojo , girl . next . okay , heres the plan . you lock me in the trunk of a car and park it under the pier at low tide . all i need are these everyday objects a nail file , a farmers almanac , a gun with no bullets , some bullets and three of my macgyver writers . sounds great . can we do it during lunch . now . simpson , i dont know how youre doing it , but youre out putting ten times the power our american plant ever did . well , a little bookonce told me having only one pancake leaves room for more bacon . i see what youre saying . were crowding your plate . in fact , theres no need for us to be here at all . lets go , smithers . youre giving meabsolute power . sir , doesnt that corrupt . absolutely not . when it comes to runninga nuclear power plant this mans a god . now , if youll excuse me , im late fora dinner engagement . i dont want myscooped out monkey head to get cold . im not a god . god has a white beardand invented the da vinci code . actually , in our system of belief , there are many gods . lets see got the elephant man .  . johnny six arms, , papa smurf . these guysare pretty cool . maybe i am one of them . if only i had some kind of proof . i won a free soda . i am a god . sir , i really dont think we should have left simpson in charge . no office talk . im floating down the ganges with my new chums . those are corpses . you never like my friends . whats going on . we flew all the way out here cause homer sent us this crazy card . behind one of these doors is homer simpson . behind the other , a bengal tiger . choose wisely . both doors have tigers . one of those tigers is named homer simpson . welcome home . guess who made macgyver burgers . macgyver we didnt have any ground beef yeah , but you did have slim jims , a cheese grater and rubber bands to hold it all together . we got to get rid of this cook . i got an idea . which episode are we watching tonight . l is for lake tahoe part ii . bless me , macgyverfor , i have sinned . we thought maybe you would like to see some of our globetrotting adventures . this is selma in line at the luray caverns . it turned out it was the line for the ladies room . this is the ladies room . this is us at the alberta , canada carriage museum . thats a phaeton . landau . buckboard . postchaise . surrey . surrey . surrey . selma . surrey . youre in a tight spot , macgyver . this calls for your most ingenious escape ever . this olive garden coupon . it expires at midnight . youre not holding a coupon . macgyver away . well , hes gone . yeah . and well always have what he wrote on our window shade . what did he write that in . grape juice and tears . this is the end my only friend , the end so , mr . burns , youre saying my dad has gone insane and thinks hes a god and broken off all contact with the outside world . i told you simpson was a poor choice , sir . you know , smithersi , told you so has a brother . his name is shut the hell up . a bom mom , im scared . a bom should we take all our stuff , or are we coming back on this boat , too . same boat , but take it anyway . they use the boat for a dixie land booze cruise while were gone . silence . now for my amusement , let the monkey fight the elephant . homie , stop . youre not a god . marge . youre just a sweet guy from springfield who wanted his family to have a better life wha , i am a god . i know all . yeah , whats moms birthday . its jan feb mar its may . may . fir secon thir you dont have to worship him . hes not a god . we follow him because of the secrets he tells us . what secrets . he told us of overtime pay . and coffee breaks . and flex time . casual fridays . on site daycare . low dental co pays . muffin basketson your birthday . with mylar balloons . mylar balloons . mylar balloons . mylar balloons . mylar balloons . this man told you about these things . yes . in fact , he gave them to us in a binding contract . a bom means vote union . a bom . a bom . up until nowi , was with you . even the beast on combat , that had potential . but treating employees like human beings , that is madness . you appear ill , sahib . maybe you should take a personal day . take one of mine . they are transferable . im proud of you , dad . youre the first man to ever outsource the american workers sense of entitlement and privilege . well , im just glad im not a god anymore . i want to go home . hows chief wiggum . he was gravely wounded in a bank shootout . yeah , hes funny . where the workers are more desperate and ignorant springfield . youre fired . youre all fired . fired . fired . fired . two months severance . early retirement . golden parachutes for all . go ahead and join them , smithers . i know you want to . yes , sir . springfield . im starved . im so bored , i figured out where there wallpaper pattern repeats . see , it goes ships wheel , popeye tattoo , gilligan hat , fish with boobs and back to ships wheel . what about this swordfish . my lifes work ruined . yar , sorry about the delay . the chef is having a bit of a problem with tonights special . meanwhile , i can send a busboy out to get you something from a better restaurant . red lobster . not that good . until then , perhaps an old sea yarn might pass the time . too bad i dont know any . i know one about the most important sea voyage in american history the journey of the mayflower . yes , the ship that brought prostitutes to america . not prostitutes , protestants . now whos being naive . the year was . hurry , my little puritans . we must flee england and its insufficiently puritanical ways . do you have your shipboard entertainments . ive got my toy wood lump . what jolly fun . finally , we shall bid good bye to england and its drunken , decadent sinners . out of my way , you god fearing buckleheads . hide me . please , you got to help me . if they find me , theyll kill me . has anyone seen this knave . hes wanted for daring to question why we call this the jacobean era when the kings name is james and not jacob . oh , lord , i beseech you mother , we must protect him . look , hes praying . oh , lord , please let the soldiers kill this family instead of me . noble sir , you may accompany us to america in my late husbands clothing . and i will make thee a hat from construction paper . so thou art a widow . then the codpiece holds no terrors for thee . good sir , i do not approve of your fleshly gaze . baby . good bye . dont come back . what kind of a booze cruise is this . wheres the hooch . we puritans have no place for drunkenness or colorful clothes or dreaming or poetry . so if you write a sonnet , keep it under your bonnet . oh , no . that was a poem . forgive me , lord . then pour a little salt in the wounds . and im good . i see you met our devout leader ned flandish . stupid flandish . listen , since all the other fun stuff is out of bounds , how about a little bible thumping in the crows nest . what do you say , miss . constance prudence chastity goodfaith . my friends call me marge . marge obedience temperance sexwont . back off , newbie . were engaged . i didnt kill her husband just so i mean , i i didnt kill her husband . were not engaged . its really more of an amiable concordance . such language from a woman . oh , no . i just thought of you as a woman . lord , we thank you for the many ways you show your love the sun which bakes our lips to the point of bleeding and your hilarious idea to surround us with water that would kill us if we drank it . now i got to warn you . even for this day and age , im considered a bad husband . shes going to marry him cause he wears boots instead of blackening his feet . well , im sure the way to win her heart is to be fat and crying . why , thee little . dont stop . youre choking him just the way his father used to . good times . perhaps thou wouldst make a good father . may i escort you to the railing . my god . look at that hand on action . if i dont do something , soon theyll be exchanging pleasantries . yes , the weather is fair . man . that guy sends my humors from sanguine to bilious . thats how we talk . weird . time to think of a plan most sneaky . anyways , i just wanted to let you know that im throwing a little party tonight to celebrate that only half of us have died so far . beer . i thought you guys didnt drink on the gayflower . stop calling it that . whatever . i was saving this booze to mess up the indians , but seeing what good pals we are , i wanted to give you a taste . say , i know a good drinking game . take a sip every time a wave hits the ship . youre good at this . lord , thank you for this generous rain and abundant lightning . obviously , kissing your ass is getting me nowhere . this storms blowing us off course . and wheres our crew . ill show you where they are . you dont want to miss this , marge . sin , . horseplay . roughhousing . horsehousing . and heres the knave whats responsible . thats all i needed to hear . homer , i cant believe i was thinking of letting you touch my elbow through a cloth . but , baby , a man has needs . our captains be head . i guess well never make it to the new world . when we landed i was going to denounce my sister as a witch . i keep telling you the ability to add two digit numbers is not witchcraft . witch , . people , this is madness . we can burn the witch later . right now ive got to save this ship . ive been driving drunk since i was . but first , whos going to help me pee . theyre looking at me cause i have the key to the stocks . dont worry , marge . ill see to it you fundamentalist christians live to take over all america by the st century . look . an albatross . it can lead us to safety . man , that bird did it all . good guy . i just thought of a name for where were going . new england . thats real creative . what do you call your foot , new hand . at least im pitching . land ho . what did you call me . great chief wig gum, , we could never have survived our first year in the new world without you . i , almost regret what we europeans are going to do to you . what , are you going to do . give you the biggest slice of pumpkin pie . also were going to take your land and wipe you out . who wants whipped topping . heres your bill . and will there be anything else . we havent gotten our food yet . ill look into it . what the .  . who else has a story . i do . homer , you can tell the third story . bart will tell the second , which is usually the weakest . im just trying to take the pressure off of you . well , one time i read this boring comic book about a ship called the bounty . like the paper towels . go on . captain bligh , theres a message from admiral nelson . thank you , mr . christian . bligh eats dolphin boogers . when you eat as much dolphin as i do theres bound to be a booger or two in the mix . good morning , crew . welcome to day of our voyage . todays announcements first of all , in an effort to save water , you will no longer be given any water . and because of a drawing of myself having romantic congress with a merman i am dumping all your mail from home into the sea . and i can assure you there were cookies in there . good cookies . the kind only a loving mother or milhouses father could make . my fathers alive . no , he died while baking . its all in the letter . im getting pretty tired of that seawad . this is nothing like the recruiting brochure . maybe thats what happens on the last day . i warn you , captain push this crew too far and therell be mutiny . mutiny . on the bounty . what have you been smoking . opium . besides that . welcome to our tropical paradise . enjoy our luaus , our lagoons , and our ladies . and remember what happens in tahiti stays in tahiti . because we have no way of communicating with the outside world . tell me , has robert fulton invented the steamboat yet . any day now . when youre on a holiday you cant find the words to say im telling you , i dont look like that . make another . yes , lord ugly face . and i want to feel it too on an island in the sun dont just sit there , help me . well be playing thanks for staying with us . we appreciate you putting cloth over our womens boobies . youll receive an updated bill after you leave . bye bye . i wish we were back on tahiti . why , yes , it was truly an unforgettable vacation . i order you to forget it . and while youre working , i want to hear a sea chantey in a round . row , your boat gently down the stream rounder . i hear edges . row , your boat gently down the stream . youre off key . make that song your own . you dont sound like youve ever been on a boat in your life . what the . captain , this is a mutiny . lets not be hasty there . what if i introduce a suggestion box . we have a suggestion box . you made it from the head of the last guy who had a suggestion . yeah , but i warned you thered be mutiny . just start rowing , willie . and sing a round while you do . row , your boat gently row , merrily , bound the down gently down the merrily down the i cannot do it . im only one man . youll sing or youll mutiny . and youre too much of a spineless coward for that . swim faster or ill have you made into soup . what are you going to do , go underwater . id like to see that . you call this deep . this is your new captain saying , next stop tahiti . and were going to remove all evidence of the previous regime , starting with this stupid wheel . well , i know you had your doubts , men , but there they are , the most beautiful women in the world . those are penguins . well , look at it this way were going to discover the north pole . south pole . oh , boy , do i suck . yeah . im starting to think the sea captain isnt coming back . hes out there playing basketball . in your face , julio . ill be fetching your food right away . six more games . well , i guess we have time for my tale of moist adventure . it takes place in a dark time for mankind when madness and ignorance ruled the s . rock the boat dont rock the boat , baby rock the boat dont tip the boat over rock the boat dont rock the boat , baby . disco stu has some troubling news . the ships doctor has reported an outbreak of disco fever . the only cure is to do a little dance , make a little love get down tonight . wait a minute . what was the second one . and now lets welcome the leroy neiman of seamen , your captain , montgomery burns . ten four, , good buddy . im chevy chase and youre not . willy stargell . yes , welcome to the maiden voyage of the neptune , the worlds most unflippable luxury liner . help yourselves to some pineapple upside down cake and apple turnovers . and youll all be getting free hats , so make sure to give us your cap size . what a fascinating cross section of humanity . youve got the lonely , but lovable loser hello , angels . your mission today involves going undercover at a wet t shirt contest . just get you wet maybe not so lovable . and youve got the elderly jewish couple making their first trip to israel . our son shlomo is working on a kibbutz in haifa . were schlepping him some kreplach . were jewish , all right . whats our back story . whats our back story . were the band . and were on . i think were heading for disaster and most of you will not be saved unless the captain is attentive well all be crushed by a huge wave i love the sea , smithers . no earthquakes , towering infernos , china syndromes , apple dumpling gangs my wig . i mean , my natural hair . mama mia . what a time to be carrying the soup . cool . no gravity . there it is . hey , you schmuck , get off a me . goin out with a sight gag . nice . i got an idea climb into my mouth . no . catch me , flanders . lord , with you watching over me , i shall feel no pain . its almost new years . ten nine eight homer , the ships upside down and hundreds of people are dead . three two one happy new year . my resolution is to be more fun . attention , everyone . ive spent the entire cruise reading these maintenance brochures because as a lonely single woman , ive had nothing better to do . aws are cheap . im lookin for some action . i thought so . it says here we should head upwards towards the hull before the ocean starts filling the ship . dont listen to her . shell get us all killed . the safest thing to do is to resume our normal activities . now where is the rumba instructor . okay , so thats left , right . come on , people . so , now which way do we go in this farkaktah flippity ship . homer , what should we do . give me a second . im in the bathroom . what . i have great ass suction . now , how about a little privacy . my keys . whatever you do , dont look down . i mean up . i cant do this anymore . its too confusing . not that confusing . this hatchway is jammed . move aside . ill use my swiss army bone . okay , the engine room is just through this flooded area . somebody has to take the rope , swing through to the other side and tie it off so we can use it as an underwater guideline . step aside . i shall perform the necessary heroics . thank you . you . yes . all i need is some inspirational music when she passed away , i cried and cried all day im alone again naturally all right , i can see this is all up to me . swim , fatty . swim . you did it . ive tied it off . youre all going to make it . tell the world that i saved you all . dont tell me what to do . i hear knocking . were saved . i dont know which pains me more the flame or the irony . can you believe its the irony . my god , our boat is upside down . you guys know the way to tahiti . way to go , genius . you sailed into someone elses tale of the sea . at last im not gay for skeleton kearney . our ribs got tangled years ago thats not gay . right . you keep believing that . springfield . or will ever do . i cant wait to see this re imagining of itchy and scratchy by avant garde director juliana krellner . hey , it says here the book was written by tom stoppard . this isnt a book , its a play . book . all hail the king of the cats . theyre coming down the aisles . what if they want to interact with me . looking through my purse , looking through my purse keep walking , monkey . dont worry , mom , they all passed by . itchy , scratchy , itchy , scratchy itchy , scratchy , itchy , scratchy from the day you are born in the alley itchy , scratchy to the day you are hit by a car itchy , scratchy theres cream to drink and mice to eat and great big balls of yarn itchy , scratchy its the circle itchy , scratchy the circle of knife . i love the use of streamers as blood . it robs the violence of its power . im drenched in blood . i dont know why i trust him i guess some cats just never learn i feel so good when i have crushed him or left him mangled , maimed and burned i suppose its symbiotic and perhaps a bit erotic cause painis my narcotic you really liked it . yes , i loved it . and thats why were always fighting and biting and dynamite igniting hey , check it out . im scratcher or something . its the circle the circle of knife yes , the circle the circle of knifes . bravo . genius . necessary . i insist on seeing the director . thank you , thank you . its such a thrill for me to be backin my hometown , springfield . she also graduated from springfield elementary . principal skinner . you know , juliana , its no surprise you became such a success . you always got straight as in school . well , i remember gettinga b or two in math . well , of course you did . you are a girl . no . all i meant was , from what ive seen , boys are better at math , science , the real subjects . there , that should put the matter behind us . calm down , calm down . im sure principal skinner didnt mean girls are inherently inferior . no , course not . i dont know why girls are worse . one thing we can all agree on , though , this little lady surelooks pretty tonight . am i right . two , four , six , eight . stop the man from teaching hate . eight , six , four , two . we do math as good as you . one , two skinner . youve got to deal with these kooks . dont worry , i have a plan pretend i agree with them . well , youd better hurry . look what theyve done to your car . no , thats how it always looks . how sad . today , we celebrate the first of many , diversity forums . why is it that women appear to be worse at math than men . what is the source of this illusion , or as i call it , the biggest lie ever told . youre a worse version of hitler . please believe me , i understand the problems of women . see .  . the principals a tranny . am i wearing womens clothes . i didnt notice . when i look in my closet , i dont see male clothes or female clothes . theyre all the same . are you saying that men and women are identical . oh , no , of course not . women are unique in every way . now hes saying women and men arent equal . no , . its the differences , of which there are none , that make the sameness exceptional . just tell me what to say . dear . attention , students . due to nervous exhaustion and diarrhea of the mouth yes , i said diarrhea . principal skinneris going to be replaced by womens educational expert melanie upfoot . children , meet your new principal . for too long , theres been an anti woman bias in math . boys are aggressive , obnoxious , and never let us be heard . from now on , i am splittingthe school in two , separating the boys and the girls forever . you heard your principal . girls on the left , boys on the right . this rocks . no more stupid girl classes , like ballroom dancing . no , thats still mandatory for everybody . willie . now , this is why i got into education . theyre going to divide the school in two . yeah , one for boys and one for girls . it is going to be awesome . now i can walk down the hall with bart junior hanging out . isnt that right , bart junior . all this hoo haw about girls and math is silly . women are as smart as men . why , a woman invented liquid paper . well , do you know what a man invented . actual paper . well , a woman also invented the windshield wiper . which goes great with another male invention the car . i think a woman came up with nylon stockings . i mean , probably . we certainly use them . lets see , men also have rocket ships , suspension bridges , constitutional government , snow shoes , brass knuckles pinball machines , the renaissance why did women invent sleeping on the couch . girls entrance . have an empowering day , my pony loving leaders of tomorrow . all right , im going to open this cage , but no biting . youre not the boss of my teeth . its so beautiful . paintingsby female artists . frida kahlo , georgia okeefe cathy guisewite . now that the boys and their atmosphere of intimidation are gone , we can finally breathe . breathe , ladies . now , lets buckle down and do some math . yes . how do numbers make you feel . what does a plus sign smell like . is the number seven oddor just different . are we going to do any actual math problems . problems . thats how men see math , something to be attacked , to be figured out . but isnt it . i mean , confidence building cant replace real learning . sounds like youre trying to derail our self esteem engine . lets sing it back on the tracks . the best thing i can ever be is to be okay with me . me . okay , boys school , i need a challenge . a mental challenge . now , boys , who can tell me the volume of this snowman . anyone . just add the volume of the spheres . we know the radii . he forgot the volume of the carrot nose , one third base times height . math , i have missed you . no girls allowed . principal skinner . its groundskeeper skinner now . assistant groundskeeper , you puke . assistant groundskeeper skinner , dont you think its wrong that i cant get the best math education because im a girl . i dont have any opinions anymore . all i know is that no one is better than anyone else , and everyone is the best at everything . not you . youre the worst . now get poisonin those squirrels . please , be reasonable . i i sure we can mom , the girls school is a joke , and im not allowed to take the boys math . when i was in school , i loved math , until hey , professor von hubba hubba . want to hop in my dune bug and erode some beach . id love to , but ive got my calculus final tomorrow . come on , baby . the only math you need is you plus me equals forever . oh , homey . since then , i havent been able to do any of the calculus ive encountered in my daily life , but thats not going to happen to you . well , what can i do . they wont let me in the boys school . yes unless there . youre the perfect little he she . mom , i dont think this will fool anybody . hey , whos the rude dude with the attitude . hes one of barts friends . you seem cool . want to catcha movie . you never take our kids to the movies . lets not fight in front of my cool new friend . what are you playing . punch for a punch . so , whats your name , newbie . im jake . thats your christian name . whats your surname . yman . jake boyman . you have toilet paperon your shoe . yeah , i guess i do . im going to call you toilet . my name isnt toilet . its jake . hey , a talking toilet . toilet . toilet . class , settle down . we have a new student today . his name is jake boyman . he likes the hardy boys , boy scouts , boy bands , chef boyardee , and he is a boy . what are you drawing . a robot with guns for arms shooting a plane made out of guns that fires guns . everyone take out your math books , come on . now , how many different numbers can y be . thats easy , just one , the number five . wrong . there are two possible solutions five and negative five . oh , my god , i was wrong . and by being corrected , i learned . and no one cared about my feelings . i drew a picture of you , being shot by a gun . hey , toilet . just kidding , bro . they used to razz me when i was new here . itll pass . hey , mildew . do you like tongue twisters . boy , do i . im sorry . do you want a jawbreaker . boy , do i . so do you miss having the girls around . nah . girls never really got me . did you know lisa simpson . i heard she was pretty cool . lisa . yeah , we totally had a thing , but i had to break it off . what the hell are you talking about .  . she got too clingy . milhouse doesnt do clingy . i have to go . that was my eating food . fight . fight . fight . okay , i can talk my way out of this . nelson , youre not really angry at me . youre full of rage cause your father abandoned you . and because youre poor , so you dont feel like youre good enough . you just want somebody to say i love you . i love you . i love you , too , nelson . i love you , jimbo . hey , every joke has a kernel of truth . hey , lis , you missed it . while you were at girls school , nelson totally whaledon this dork . oh , my god . thats right . im toilet . toilet . not yet . if i do , shell never let me go to the boys math class again . hey , no one with a choice should ever have to be a girl . ill teach you how to be a boy . youd do that for me . that is so sweet . youre a boy , nothing is sweet . that hurt . sweet . now , when you eat like a boy , only two french fries in five should make it into your mouth . if they fall on the floor , you want em more . because then they come with extra toppings . im gonna be sick . awesome . do it in that guys bag while hes not looking . i am looking , and dont start apuke war that you cannot finish . good night . so , do you want to wang chung tonight . i dont know . still frowny with you . do you really think women are mentally inferior . well , honey , youre just as smart as a man . sometimes when im with you , i feel like im doing it with a dude . well , i wont be lonely . i can always cuddle with the dog . at least everyone knows im smarter than you . ho , how did this happen . now ive been every ball on the playground . now , for your final test . to fully become a man , you must pick a fight with someone weaker than you . a fight . that would mean rejecting the last part of me thats still a girl . do it , lisa . youll be greater than or equal to boys . even though youre only eight , your possibilities are infinite . okay , ill do it . but whom should i beat up . these dots are itchy . fine , ill beat up ralph . give me your lunch money . okay . i guess im gonna have to get this party started . fight . fight . fight . forgive me for this . okay . you just beat up the most harmless kid in school . well done . hey , toilet , want to play guns . sure . i know what boys like i know what guys want i know what boys like i know whats on their minds sucker and the award for outstanding achievement in the field of mathematics goes to jake boyman . toilet . toilet . toilet . thank you . or should i say thank you . toilet is lisa .  . weve been yentld . thats right , everyone . the best math student in the whole school is a girl . wait a minute . do you know why you did good at math . did well . give it a rest , melanie . calling me by my first name is harassment . well , in for a penny , in for a pound . superintendent . the only reason lisa won is because she learned to think like a boy . i turned her into a burping , farting , bullying , math machine . thats a lie . i got hit by boy lisa and girl lisa . what have i become . i always thought that boys had it easier . but now i see their world is more cruel and sadistic than i ever imagined . chair fight . and i did get better at math , but it was only by abandoning everything i believed in . i guess the real reason we dont see many women in math and science is would you hurry it up , please .  . youre cutting into the award for best flautist . well , whatever the answer is , im glad im a girl , and im glad im good at math . now enjoy your stupid flautist . springfield . what if nobody wants their address painted on the curb . duh . nobody wants their address painted on the curb . we do it without asking , and then they have to pay . what are you punks doin .  . answer me , or ill drop ya like a bad cell phone plan . sorry . this thing goes off on its own . anyway , you were sayin . ignore that . we painted your address on the curb . and , since you didnt tell us not to , you owe us ten bucks . wow . a number on the curb . that really classes the joint up . yep , things are finally going my way . i struck oil . i struck oil . i struck oil . when do we tell him thats not oil . let him have his fun . oil . oil . only ten dollars to paint my curb like a common whore . well , im happy to pay for a three digit spray . tell you what  ill give you another hundred if you paint my garage . wait a minute . thats not a scam . thats honest work for honest pay . no . ill throw in some christian comic books . please . somebody take them . screw you . im never going to pay . well , then were gonna leave you one digit short . fine . ill finish it myself . and dont think im gonna screw it up , because i wont . dad , all you had to do was paint one number . now no ones going to be able to find our house . but , sweetie , i just wanted to tell the oakland as how i felt about them . look , that guy remembers us . hey , sal bando , give him a as thank you honk . my work here is done . im needed at the door . i have a delivery for a scott and brenda weingarten , evergreen terrace . oh , no problem . ill just ship these juicy mail order steaks back to omaha . on second thought , i am brenda winecooler . dad , isnt it wrong to open or eat other peoples mail . son , all our mail has ever brought me is bad things bills , jury duty , entertainment weekly . now , for once , im getting rich person mail . you wouldnt take that away from me , would you , son . oh , dad , no one can rationalize like you . okay , weingartens , what else is in your mail . oh . marge , do you wanna go to a wedding of a couple we never met . strangers getting married . i wouldnt miss itfor the world . mark and tracy , i remember the first words i heard you say i do . your cousin scottis so sweet . but didnt you sayhe was blind . thats what i heard , but hes so confident in his movements . this is kent brockman , in the springfield keys , reporting to you from the middle of a hurricane . the lid from my coffee cupis long gone . im scared , people . truly scared . take that , liberal media . homer . this says ive won homemaker magazines clean for a day contest . a highly skilled professional will come to your home and clean it top to bottom while you relax . but how could i have won . i dont subscribe to this periodical . marge , i dont have to sit here and listen to your insane ravings about me getting other peoples mail . hi . im brenda weingarten . mom , what are you doing . cleaning up before the housekeeper comes . this is a total stranger who cleans houses for a living . who cares what she thinks . dont be so naive , lisa . those people all talk to each other . you know what i found in their dirty clothes hamper . dirty clothes . i found a hair in the drain . not a fine upstanding head hair , but a curly wurly . untidy . untidy . untidy . untidy . untidy . untidy . now , this is a house thats ready to be cleaned . thats her . dont answer it yet . i dont want that judgmental bitch in my house . maple syrup mixed with baby spit up and shoe scuff . this is going to take my whole arsenal at once . et tu , zud . ah . shes opening her eyes . oh . my head feels like it was punched by a boxing man . how many fingers am i holding up . two . very good . now ill put them backin the jar . now i have a question . who are you people .  . she doesnt recognize us . you monster . what have you done to my face .  . when will marge remember us . its hard to say , with retrograde amnesia such as this , the patient could forget years and years of her life . you just have to keep jogging her memory till it works . jogging .  . i didnt say you should be jogging . sweet . although you should be jogging . j ogging .  . marge , im gonna take care of you until your amnesia goes scram nesia . i got you flowers fluffy pillow , and a nice , relaxing private room . youre sweet . im lucky to have such a kind uncle . im your husband . whaaaaat . i am . were the same age . but youre so much more ravaged than i am . i do eat a lot of crap . im lisa , im eight years old , and this might sound presumptuous , but im your favorite . you seem sweet , but i could never have a favorite . well , talk to me in a week . hi . im bart . im ten years old and a professional motocross jumper . can you buy me a motocross bike . i may have lost my memory , but im not an idiot . great news , marge , were going home . yes , the insurance company said youre as well as theyre gonna pay for . i cant wait to see what kind of home we live in . oh , its great . like somebody barfed a two story pile of puke . why , you little . you strangle your child . yeah , but hes cool with it . right . it hurts when i swallow . why , you little . now , the doctor said a tour of the town could help bring back your memory . i say bing cherries are the most delicious . i say maraschino . who are those freaks . those freaksas , you call them , are some of our closest friends . maraschino isnt even a kind of cherry . its a way of preserving them . sounds like duff man took the wrong side in this chicken fight . oh , yeah . why is that drug addict driving a school bus . i may be wasted , but i still care about the safety of these kids . see that ball of fire . thats the sun . it goes by many names . apollos lantern , day moon, , old blazey . the important thing is never to touch it . i know what the sun is . yes , now you do . i know that sound . maggie . my sweet little angel . the sound of the baby must have triggered a primal mnemonic response in moms brain . lisa . my little know it . hey , guys , guess who just became lactose tolerant . milhouse . youre barts best friend . i remember bart . i cant believe you remembered me through milhouse . hes not even my best friend . whos got amnesia now , bart . its so great to have my children back . i better get ready . im next . all right , marge , time to remember admiral awesome . nope . im sorry , admiral , but youre still a stranger to me . why do you remember them and not me . i dont know , maybe theressomething unpleasant blocking my memory of you . hi dilly ho , simpsons . oh , hey , ned . isnt today your cats birthday . i remember , cause she shares the date with patty labelle . all itll take to unlock your memories of me is one of these blasts from the past . heres me fighting with former president bush . me fighting with current president bush . and heres me showing a bag of apples whos boss . im sorry , you seem likea colorful character , but i just dont remember you . well , maybe if we snuggle , it might rattle some memories loose . whats snuggling . when a man and a woman love each other very much , they usually get together mr . simpson , i dont even know you . im not making love with you . but what if we youre describing how to parallel park . you used to love my non sequiturs . why can i remember everyone in town except my husband . simple . your brain is trying to save you from your backed up toilet of a marriage . have you been talking like this for my entire marriage . oh , no . no . weve always honored your choice . i dont know , i should give homer a chance . but on the other hand , i feel nothing for him . this is horrible . weve got to tell dad . oh , no . bart and lisa are gonna tell me something horrible . ahwhat . buy the police department a hang glider , you said . fight crime from above , you said . yeah , and you said youre only pounds . shut upand look for crime . mr . simpson . marge , if i cant make you remember me , then ill make you fall for me all over again . the heart is the symbol for love . that homer simpson hes quite a guy he paid me ten bucks so i would lie the truth is hes not so great he is the one man i truly hate . so beautiful . i wish i could understand italian . ive had a lovely evening , mr . simpson . just wait , werecoming to the site of our most romantic night ever . it was the plywood castle that we first well , you know . know what . no . im not the kind of girl who makes love on a putt putt golf course . you loved it , especially when the windmill came around and whacked your butt . that sounds horrible . no . it was the happiest night of my life . the warm spring air , the swings i took in the batting cage afterwards . dont you remember , darling . no , and i hope i never do . the best thing that ever happened to me was forgetting about you . you know , i still think about you all the time . birthdays over , seymour . but im sorry you have to leave , but i just cant thinkof another way . i know . wait , i thought of another way . i stay . good bye, , mr . simpson . dad , we dont want you to leave . my grades will suffer . in fact , theyre already suffering . look at this garden of fs . you planted them all . marge , i realize youve made up your mind , and i want you to know that i deeply respect your that works for hiccups , not amnesia . i know . i just thought maybe how long you gonna be bunking with me , son . well , the rest of your life for sure . why are we having dinner in shelbyville . we found a place here thats serving up just what you need . a mixer . i dont know . i am still technically married . all were saying is go in and chat with these guys . and if you want a quickie annulment and remarriage , weve got all the paperwork right here . why dont you sign a bunch now . for fun . welcome to speed dating , you exciting , lonely people . every five minutes im going to blow this horn and each man will move one table to his left . excuse me . is this how you met your husband . no , i met him through friends like a normal person . now , speed date . i want you to know im coming from a very fragile place . my wife left me five years ago . thats so sad . why did i kill her , why . hello there . yeah , hi . how you doing . so lets get right to it . i dont drive a lexus , okay . i dont have a lear jet or some big beach house in la la land . i am just a nice man who makes a decent living . so i guess i should probably just go shoot myself . dont get quiet on me . please , i hate when they get quiet . ta da . i know what youre thinking , but dont worry , im old enough to date . dermabrasion . i think hes a male gay . i have to admit something , i feel a little silly . oh , me , too . i cant believe anyone ever really finds anyone at these things . yeah , i was dragged here by my older brothers . we used to be quintuplets , but three of us drowned . i really know where youre coming from . i guess we have to move on . do we . were adults . why dont we just go get a cup of coffee . id love to . i smell romance . its a perfect night for love . would you pretty ladies care to join us for some champagne . go suck a rat , assanova . that might be marge . dont answer it . savor the sound . boy marge . homer , i dont wantto alarm you , but right now were looking at your wife yukkin it up with a good looking guy . he just touched her arm and now theyre being quiet . but its not an awkward silence . yeah , its more like a nothing needs to be said kind of silence . i just think the best thing a person can do for the world is to be clean and polite . wow , thats what i would have said . well , i would have said polite and clean , but wow , still . oh , no . hes marges and my dream man . ive got to make a play for her now or i might lose her forever . at least she found someone who can make her happy . marge , i feel like the two of us can say anything to each other . you really mean that . i do . ive got amnesia and i have three kids . wow . my first thought is respect , both for your mental illness and your ability to get back into shape . my second thought is good bye . you idiot . do you know what you just gave up . who the hell are you . the wisest , wettest man youll ever meet . go on . you just walked away from the sweetest most beautiful woman a guy could want . in ten years , she never had the last slice of pizza and shes never complained . every election she wishes she could vote for both guys because they both seem nice . and theres a light inside her that makes everyone else look better . and you blew her off . dude , shes got three kids . i really . well , shes still great . mr . simpson i may not know much about you , but you sure know a lot of wonderful things about me . and that means a lot to a woman . i still dont remember you . but for the first time since this happened , i wish i did homer . im so happy were together again . want to get a drink . you drink . yeah , i started when you were in the hospital . i was so worried . recently i tried this thing called beer , and i remember everything . you get drunk all the time . but you also remember that youre an enabler . of course i do . thats why were such a great team . youve been drinking today , havent you . i sure have , partner . springfield . hi , im your hostess boobarella , i hope youll enjoy our labour day marathon of murder because soon youll have to go back to school . school .  .  . school . my god i wasted the whole summer . theyre so many things i still want to do . you think youre behind . win baseball game . now simpsons be careful , their kid pitchers mount is really . son , do you have time for the pizza party . sure . why not . thats grease . sit on it , springfield . get outta my face , you raggedy maggots . so thats why everyones been saying that all summer . no , not yet . i have to have a summer romance . ill never forget you . gotta go . i just had my first kiss . when you get to third base , ill buy you a beer . well , now its time for my summer activity . you all promised we could go to a museum . im so glad you picked the museum of natural history , mom . well , im so glad theres a show we women can enjoy . weaving . homer , youre my father . youre supposed to protect me from things like this . all right . just this once , you can take a drink out of my special water bottle . what .  . sorry , loom wads . new exhibits in town . weapons . bart , its still history . not if i spend the whole time running around like this . die , weapons , die . dont start the exhibit without me . look at that line . time to do what i do best , ruin it for everybody . hey , flanders , thanks for saving our place . but , wait , . ho hold the phone there , homer . dude , i was totally here . you calling me a liar in front of my kids . cause id take a bullet for you , man , right in the mouth . fine . take the cut . ned flanders is doling out cuts . i , for one , wish to partake of said . hey , if boner here is gettin cuts , i want em , too . cuts . i want cuts . disco stu slides in front of you . that rhymes . tell you what . if we turn around , it will feel like were at the front of the line . oh , no , you dont . im everywhere . imax films presents the nunchuck cool but useless nunchuck was inventedthousands of years ago by a chinese monk . artifacts of the time indicate that this incident was hilarious . wow . this is amazing . you can actually feel the vase . go ahead , maggie . youre allowed to touch the deadly weapons . its a mugger . ill hand over all my hugs and kisses . okay , be cool . ive got some candy in my purse . stop . come on , milhouse . do you want to play in the nba or not . bart , my arms out of its thing . that means its working . whazzup . youre leaving already . we havent even gotten in yet . sorry , flanders , but when you get in , you can use my audio tour . its narrated by melanie griffith . this rooms nice . lets go in to the next one . this rooms nice , too . this rooms nice . this rooms nice , too . this rooms nice , too . this rooms nice . this rooms nice . this rooms nice , too . sorry , folks , the weapons exhibit is now closed for the day . sorry , no yay . but you can all feel free to enjoy the rest of the museum . evolution . excuse me . how can you put up an exhibit on the origin of man and not have one mention of the bible . we do . what a fool believes my most cherished beliefs , a myth . daddy , was mommy a monkey . i cant remember . no one was ever a monkey . everything is what it was and always will be . god put us here and thats that . but you said a stork brought me . that was god disguised as a stork . who brings baby storks . theres no such thing as storks . its all god . please bless daddy and mommy stop praying to that stork . theyre telling people were descended from a pack of apes . even though theres nothing about it in the bible . ned , youve got to take this thing with a grain of salt . i mean , come on . tim , this controversy could put more meat in the seats . well our membership has been dwindling since those episcopalians put in those vibrating pews . evolution is the hot button issue . we need to mobilize our flock . theyll be hanging on your every word . ill be a white al sharpton . why does every church meeting end this way . we want you to teach alternative theories to darwinian evolution . you mean lamarckian evolution . no , the adam and eve one . and what if i say no . i believe you leased your camry from christian brothers auto . no . that was a once in apr . class , starting today , we will be presenting an alternative theory on the origin of man . creationism .  . but thats not science . it is now . are oceans gods tears . they sure are . a plus . now lisas the ralph . how can you teach the book of genesis as a scientific theory . this helpful video will evade all your questions . eyes screenward . lets say hi to two books . one , the bible , was written by our lord . the other , the origin of species , was written by a cowardly drunk named charles darwin . this is slander . darwin was one of the greatest minds of all time . then why is he making out with satan . evolution is widely acknowledged as scientific fact . its even accepted by prominent conservatives like george will and the late pope john paul . thats something to think about . the george will . lisa , youve said quite enough . children , drown her out with whistling and arm flatulence . all im saying is whats wrong , sweetie . theyre making us learn creation theory in school . today we had a test , and every answer was god did it . well , i think its good to give both ideas a fair hearing . maybe they could learn from each other . but theyre incompatible . lisa , lots of times two incompatible things can both be true . my sons a brat , but hes a special little guy . you father says hes at work , but there he is jumping on a trampoline . mom , you really have to choose here between science and belief . well , then i choose so , according to creationism , there were no cavemen . good riddance . their drawings suck and they look like hippies . dad , youre not really reconsidering evolution , are you . my mind is always open to new ideas . onions .  . in the peas .  . what the hell . it is agreed regular people can park in handicapped spaces if theyre just running in to buy smokes or maybe some pop tarts for tomorrow . the system works . and if theres no further business , i hereby declare this meeting i have an issue id like to raise . curse my slow gaveling . last week , the unscientific theory of creationism was introduced alongside evolution in springfield public schools . now , honestly , the bibles about the same age as , the rest of our textbooks . evolution and creationism cannot coexist , people . it is time to go back to teaching one single truth . homers sons sisters right . class , the town has spoken . from now on were only teaching one theory creationism . now please hand in your evolution books to groundskeeper willie while i beat this ominous drum . there seems to be a note on your locker . from a secret admirer , perhaps . dont make me laugh . dear seekers of truth meet in the schools single purpose room tomorrow at lunch . rationally yours , l . m . s . l . m . s . who could it be . little moe szyslak . why does everybody call me that . bunch of snot faced pukebags . im so glad you could all come . i will be reading to you from the original of species by charles darwin . i thought were gonna light spiders on fire . were over here . you all have a nice day . chapter one when we compare the individuals of the same variety or sub variety of our older cultivated plants and animals lisa simpson , youre under arrest for the teaching of non biblical science . there are so many worse crimes . why are you persecuting me . we only have the manpower to enforce the last law passed . you know , its not the best system , but well , in fact , its pretty much the worst . you live . you die . you live . you die . in the old days , we wouldve been all over that . this is kent brockman , reporting live from the trial of god vs . lisa simpson . defending miss simpson is aclu appointed liberal , clarisse drummond . im from new york . and prosecuting the case against lisa is humble country lawyer wallace brady . as the little chicken said to his mama , i just hope i dont cluck up . i think its fair to say if that man doesnt win , im resigning from the jury . this is kent brockman , juror number seven , saying , ill have the roast beef for lunch . so does this theory of evolution necessarily mean that there is no god . no , of course not . it just says that god is an impotent nothing from nowhere with less power than the undersecretary of agriculture , who has very little power in our system . now , sir , you are a scientist , correct . thats right . i have a phd in truthology from christian tech . move over , carl . i got a new hero . yeah , thisll last about a day . so , as a scientist , what is your take on this devil ution . pure hogwash . if man evolved from monkeys , thered be evidence . but when we look at the fossil record , heres what we see . a missing link . why , i believe , right now , this gentlemans having dinner with the tooth fairy and the easter bunny . this is the break in the case weve been waiting for . i mean , he doesnt exist . evolution is just a lot of that hollywood hooey . well , ive heard enough for today . i have to judge a wet t shirt contest in minutes . ah , this trial is the biggest load of for crying out loud . now . bambi , who started that forest fire that killed your mama . evolution .  . my , . poor bambi . poor thumper im sorry , mom . i should have just gone with the flow , like you said . well , i might as well see what all the fuss is about . homer , please . i love it when youre not into it . oh , yeah , baby , mmm thats it , ignore me . im not even here . wow , darwins argument is incredibly persuasive , and his ship was the beagle , which reminds me of snoopy , my favorite peanut . lisa , i thini have a way to help you at the trial today . so do i . milhouse will serve the time for you while you flee to mexico . your new name senorita ugly . honey , i appreciate the thought , but just leave everything to me . you can take off the wig , mihouse . im nelson . now , mr . flanders , youre familiar with the bible , correct . as familiar as its proper to be . dont worry , lisa . ive got the answer to your problems right here . look , homie , i brought you a beer . thanks , marge . its not a twist off . come on . and you are positive that man and ape cannot be related . as sure as i am that jesus hates hip hop . come on . open . i want whats in you . as a matter i want you homer stupid homer , im trying to will you shut your yap , you big monkey faced gorilla . mr . flanders , youve sworn to tell the truth . can you say that this man could not possibly be related to that ape . you win , lisa . this court hereby rules that the law forbidding the teaching of evolution is repealed . wait , it was a twist off . thanks , mom . thank you , honey , for opening my eyes . i cant wait to see what evolution will make next . maybe a bird with a people face or a bear with pants on . lets go , boys . your poor old popsicles been licked . mr . flanders , wait . i want you to know , i respect your beliefs , and i can see how deeply you feel about them . i just dont think religion should be taught in our schools , any more than youd want scientist teaching at the church . well , i wish this world would evolve a few more kids like you , lisa . what say we take our worthy adversary out for a hot fudge fun day . cram it , ya god wad . you whaa . springfield . theres your murderer . are you sure , hunch . how do you know . something about his hair i dont know . how did we miss that . get him . you did it again , hunch . lets go grab a bite . you know what im in the mood for . could it be turkey . but how did you . its amazing theyve gotten remember when we saw hunchs butt in the shower . that was two seasons ago . now you can only see butts on cable . this is kent brockman , with an isotope baseball update . the topes are in first place since the acquisition of home run king buck mitchell . thanks to him , springfield is once again overrun with fair weather fans . the isotopes are winning . to the bandwagon . nothing beats a day at the ballpark with my family . tickets , who needs tickets . homer , we need those tickets to get in . dont worry , ill use the money i make to buy tickets from a scalper . then ill sell those tickets , and well be rich . rich . we did it , baby . we made it through the rain . tickets , . big game . everybody wants to see the game . cop . act like youre in love with me . peanuts . peanuts . you want to know something , bart . nah , i know enough . i , myself , played in this ballpark , back in nineteen forty deuce . that was during the war , when sushi was called liberty logs , and no one had ever heard of it . but grandpa , in they only played womens baseball here . lets just say one of the ladies had some extra equipment . i was a center fielder for the springfield floozies . the pay wasnt much , but it kept me out of the war for a year . effie lou is a man . get him . he could threaten my record for lady triples . that was a magical summer . howd i get here . now , to sing our national anthem , payola recording artist tabitha vixx . shes married to buck mitchell . i bet thats why shes here tonight honoring america . oh , say , can you see by the dawnsearly light and now heres somethingfrom my new album . im trouble istic stay away , boy , causeyou know im trouble istic think you can control me , you aint being realistic hey , buck , hows it feel knowing your wifes turning on a creep like me . weird , i bet . trouble istic girlmakes your troublations grow double trouble isticwhen you try to tell me no trouble , troubleoh , yeah , trouble and the home of the brave . she just embarrassed me in front of the entire tornado belt league . so next up for the cosmos , freddie alvarado . freddie , of coursethe , older brother of the famous wolf boy of juarez , mexico . heres the pitch and buck mitchell cant find the handle . thats an e  if youre keeping score at home , and if you are , your loneliness saddens me . its okay , buck . bad hop , bad hop . shake it off , buck . you suck . i concur . bart , hand me that sack of batteries . nine volt . double a . d . d . d . d . cordless drill . job himself never had a tougher day at the ball park than buck mitchell . hes made six errors , struck out twice and swallowed a bee . my fiance . theyre making a mockery out of amerisnack . comtroll doll night . you know what to do , duffman . oh , yeah . time for the duff triple malt kiss cam . oh , yeah . oh , yeah . duffman . but then he kissed me and then he kissed me look , its a thing . each time i saw him i couldnt wait to see him again we both find public displays of affection vulgar . come on , doc , shesa fine looking woman . you dont want to work that . i didnt know just what to do so i whispered i love you homer . now we have to kiss . the big tv istelling us to . look at that ugly old man . thats you . give me a kiss , homie . really . youd kiss an ugly old man like me . only if hell kiss me back . and then he kissed me and then he kissed me and then he kissed me . yeah , homer . suck that face . remember when we used to kiss like that , carl . with our respective girlfriends . yeah , i wonder where jill and kelly are now . i heard jill died . kelly , i think , is a prostitute . what a game . i got on the kiss cam,i , participated in the wave and i go to pee in a trough . marge , can we get a trough . for the last time , no . iced tea . hey , that was my ice tea . i just sweetened itto my liking . buck mitchell . the baseball playing man . i barely recognize you without your costume on . evening , maam . i i couldnt help seeing you two exchanging marital kisses tonight . yes , the game you played so horribly at . well , unfortunately , my marriage aint so good . i never heard anything about it on the gossip shows or the blogosphere or in my supermarket checkout magazine . i was wondering if you and the mister could give us some marriage counseling . you know . in return , i can give you season tickets . season tickets . i could entertain business clients . i might even land the henderson account . homer , can i see you in the kitchen . sure . that means she want sto talk in private . its probably about you . homie , i dont think our marriage is so jim dandy that we should be counseling others . hey , weve gone through more hardships than the jews and charlie brown put together . well , we have managed to squeeze a lot of fun out of married life . thats just how i feel . see , thats what i want , care free intimacy with no edge of resentment . buck mitchell . buck , i guess we can help you out . well start tomorrow . hey , buck , . its me , the weird guy from the stadium . there were a lot of weird guys at the stadium tonight . you know , i remembered you . buck , tabitha , welcome . well start your first marriage counseling session as soon as homer gets here . sorry im late . i was just gathering my counseling equipment . now , lets remember no ones right and no ones wrong till i say so . i i think what homer means is why dont you tell us what each of you feels is the problem . well , im an old fashioned guy , you know , and when we got hitched , i just assumed shed give up her international recording career to focus on my minor league baseball dreams . wow , i think we really hit on something here . unfortunately , were out of time . how does that make you feel . shut up . my s here . homer , please . lets see here heres something the books previous owner underlined  be honest with your partner about what youre feeling . i dont want to waste any more time in a mismatched marriage . try to frame criticisms of your spouse in a positive way . well , im positively sick of her shaking her lady parts for the whole world to eyeball . interesting . interesting . buck , youve got a beautiful woman with a hot body that any man would fantasize about even while making love to his own marge . thank you , homer . maybe we should stop here . good idea , honey . buck , would you mind signing a couple of baseballs for my boy . yeah , sure . just sign your name above president lincolns . isnt it weird that our parents are giving marital advice . theyre always fighting . if you listen closely , you can hear them arguing right now . and i say a monkey can mow our lawn . this house is spectacular . you must have had a great view of the riots . i stole a rack of fur coats . i sell one a year to pay for christmas . you make me laugh , homer . why , cause im fat . okay , tonight were gonna discuss little ways to keep your romance alive make time for each other , an hour , an evening , a mini vacation . well , i am presenting at the espy awards next week . and im receiving . we can wait for our limos together . or take the same limo . like i always saycompromise , is the key . i always say that . lets compromise and say nobody said it . and heres the pitch to buck mitchell . its going , and like americas credibility on the world stage , that ball is gone . buck mitchell is back and sluggier than ever . with five home runs in two nights , hes ended rumors of early retirement and inspired rumors of steroid abuse . but ive heard this turn around is due to the marriage counseling of marge and homer simpson , seen in this file photo . homer , im proud of you . youve prolonged a celebrity marriage at least through playoff season . after that , who gives a hobos crap . am i right . im a girl who loves men and we live in sexy marriage land sexy marriage land oh , marriage sexy marriage land . wow , ive got this sudden urge to give her a five dollar bill . thats it . were out of here . hey , tabitha , great show . i like that part where you mentioned springfield . did you know thats where you are . why dont you stay and have a bite . youre so hot . if only id seen you before i met my wife . homer , youre sweet , but youre talking to the chicken . dont tell the hamburger in my car . listen , these shows always tense me up . while your finger sare greasy , could you give me a neck rub . okay . so why didnt you marry one of your crummy backup dancers . theyre day laborers . we picked them up inthe home depot parking lot . oh , yeah . oh , thats it . right there . oh , yes . yes , it feels so good . oh , yeah . oh , yeah , baby . thank god i brought protection . i used to be so embarrassed buying these . homer simpson . youre supposed to be my marriage counselor . i did work book pages for you . were going to have a lot to talk about at your . there aint gonna be a . cancellations require hours notice . and thats why lou gehrig was a selfish cry baby who deserved to die . springfield , lets hear from you . yeah , i got a question . how come buck mitchells game is in the toilet again . well , rumor has it his marriage is failing due to the inept counseling of homer and marge simpson . i knew it , i knew it . so , do i win a jock squawk t shirt . no . sorry . it dont need no writing on it . it dont even have to be clean . is this moe . what happened to that bumper sticker we gave you . wits holding in my hernia . dad , because you and mom screwed up buck mitchells marriage , some kids beat me up at school today . yeah , they beat me up at work . look at the word they wrote on my skull . papa . i didnt want you to learn that word this way . marge , we got to get buck and tabitha back together . this is the most important case of our careers . listen , bub , we are out of the marriage counseling business . and the only one you should be giving chicken grease neck rubs to is me . but not me , cause i thinktheyre disgusting . so now were judging each other based on things weve done . real fair . class act . im going back to the stadium to bring those two kids back together . and ill do it with or without you . then i guess youll do it without me . but i wanted to do it with you . crossed arms mean no . tabitha , what a coincidence . i was just thinking sad thoughts about you . i came to tell you im leaving buck . what .  . no . no what . no . w hat . buck and i dont belong together . dont give up on buck . there must be something about him that attracted you in the first place . well , yeah . he was the first man who didnt just like me for my body . he always complimented meon my hair . your standing lamp is dirty . ill polish it . cancel all my appointments . lets go . so here comes buck mitchell in a spot every kid dreams of , where a sacrifice fly could lead his minor league team to a wild card spot . and theres the duff blimp with a special message from tabitha to buck . said zeppelin has a whole lotta love . its working . bucks buying my fake message . and you said it would never work . no , i said , duffmanwill do what you want . stop kicking and punching duffman . im whacking this for you , baby . and he sends one into the slug o . its going my sisters friend . tabitha . tabitha . this is the worst blimp crash ever . too soon . where are you , sweetie . she was here a minute ago . she must be pooping . hey , youre lying . this whole stunt was a lie . get him . he ruined mini bat day . leave him alone . all he did was try to help a young couple find their way . does he really deserve to get strung up for that . cut that out . duffman gives the people what they want . werent you just tied up in the blimp . three duffmen are working the game tonight . dont tell the children . its disillusioning . duffman , . marriage is hard work . but its worth it when youve got someone wonderful like i do . buck , i love you , too . and ill take you back , if you can guess tonights attendance . lets see , b . no , . a . no , oh , man , . its c . as in keeping together . which is what i want to do . well , homer , looks like my marriage is going into extra innings . great . but enough of the baseball analogies . they sicken me . no problem . no , miladyyour , carriage awaits . aint love grand , tito . hey , mani , dont care . bandits just kidnapped my mother . just found out . springfield . starring kang . is dinner ready yet . our boss will be here any minute now . this one keeps eating himself octopuses . im done . am i the only one here whos in horrible pain . youre the only one who wont shut up about it . what a delicious meal . i feel like im going to burst . cool . im vomit . well , a fine meal like that deserves a hyper galactic promotion . hyper galactic . wait a minute i dont have a family anymore . you do now , son . you do now . simpson horror show xv homer , what are you doing . trying to get a frisbee off the roof . ah , theres the frisbee . concussion diddily hemorrhage doodily injury bodily ned , you nearly died of a brain tumor . thank goodness that bowling ball knocked it out of your head . welcome back , dawg . my , you look awfully pale . lets get you some fresh air . hey , while youre there , can you get my frisbee off the ledge . all right , but i swear to god , this is the very last time . oh , man , is this going to hurt . thats better . come on , ned . just because you foresaw dr . hibberts death doesnt mean you can see into the future . it was just a sinister co inky . help me . some bullies threw my shoes over a telephone wire with me in them . just wriggle loose . ill catch you , lil critter . oh , another setback . what the family circus . a second premonition came to fruition . lord , why have you given me these unholy visions of doom . well , i didnt need any special power to know that was coming . hey , flanders , have you seen my frisbee . homer , i can foretell peoples deaths . peoples deaths , eh . do me . do me . so , whatd i die of . too much happiness . naked girl avalanche . uh , you die eating a submarine sandwich . what kind of bread . um , country parmesan . mr . flanders , why are you moving . cause i had a vision of myself shooting your father . in this neighborhood , who hasnt . well , you cant fight fate but if you must shoot our father , please remember our family motto not in the face . dont worry , sweetie . i am not going to kill your father . flanders . kill me . you never killed anybody , and youre going to start with the big dog . homer , please , dont tempt the gods . i i mean god . theres one god . only one . well , sometimes theres three . hey , chief , throw me your piece . uh , sure thing , citizen . come on . shoot me a new one . oh , im so scared . ned flanders is pointing a gun at me . you couldnt even shoot me by accident . even if i whacked the barrel like this . quit whacking my barrel . never . you leave me no choice . i was supposed to shoot you but i didnt . i changed the future . what have i done . ive changed the future for the worse . homer , stay away from the nuclear plant . fine , ill never go back starting tomorrow . today is lennys birthday , and theyre having ice cream cake . but but youre going to kill us all . but ice cream cake . i got to find homer . hes going to blow up the whole town . yeah , well , you know , you got to take the bitter with the sweet . homer , do not press the core destruct button . press destruct button . dont do it . dont do it . youll kill everyone . do it do it . kill everyone . sure is taking me a long time to reach this button . must kill best friend . homer , fall backward . oh , you stupid son of a homer , im so mad at you . ill bet you blew up the town just to get out of cleaning the garage . everythings coming up homer . yeah , well , the jokes on you , smart guy . the garage made it to heaven , too . hmm , i wonder if i could blow up heaven . homer simpson , its time you got whats coming to you . your frisbee . cool . you guys got a good buffet up here . oh , yeah . just stay away from the three bean salad . youre not the boss of me . hello , ducky . you gave me quite a fright , you did . say , you dont need no fancy knife to get me attention not with those handsome muttonchops . come on . give us a snog . thats not a snog . looks like the muttonchop murderer has struck again . what should we do with the body . i want you to dust her for prints . what does that mean . the prince is coming by and i want her clean when he looks her over . perhaps we can be of assistance , inspector . well , look whos here . master detective eliza simpson and her easily amazed sidekick dr . bartley . whats this . a doorknob . good show . so , what clues has the body shewn . we dont need clues . weve already caught the killer . this mysterious hindu is clearly responsible for the murder . lock him up till we find someone darker , boys . please , i am not a killer . i am but a humble purveyor of disgusting british food . lark tongues , head pudding , eel pies . eel pie . my favorite . we british sure eat crap . inspector , might i have a word wit you . absolutely get back down there , you . you were saying . well , its like this . im a proper cockney flower girl , i am , and i sees this real strange bloke . out of sorts . mad in the eyes . all kettles and biscuits . well , he seen i was lookin at him , and he drops this and runs . cor , blimey , skip to me loo . good lord . im afraid this case is beyond even your powers , little girl . ill take that challenge , inspector . yeah , well , good luck . uh , now , boys , lets see the suspect in that child abduction case . i shall never grow up . uh , in jail you will . yes , i recognize this blade . i sold it as part of a set the famed seven swords of osiris . now would you be interested in an illustrated novelette . it also includes a young david diligent adventure . confound it , man . i need to know who bought those swords . very well . i will check my records . you may examine my curios , but do not touch my oddities . use your judgment with my gewgaws . well , ill be blazed . i know these missionaries . i just told the natives they were having sex the wrong way . help . help . murder . the muttonchop murderer is long gone . but this ledger will lead us to him . this potion will give me new life . im alive . im gonna go to america . ill be in pictures . youll see . the whole world is gonna know the name simon stoolowitz . it says here the swords were sold to c . ebenezer burns . burns . the evil industrialist who makes coal out of babies . i know just where to find him . ebenezer burns . yeah , hes over here . how ya doin , there . freshn your pipe . anybody need a let me . whoa , heads up there , buddy . a rats gnawin off your toe . the sword of osiris i once possessed the entire collection then i sold them all for opium . oh , how i wish i had them back to sell for more opium . who did you sell the swords to . a fat man with sideburns like that one over there . theres your muttonchop murderer . stop , fiend . opium rules . hey , . read the sign . well , what have we here . inspector , youve caught the villain . but what are you doing in an opium den . its the only way i can get ralphie to go to sleep . i can make opi ohs . well , dr . bartley , another mystery well solved . yes , with the murderer behind bars londons working girls are free to follow their merry calling . yet another sword of osiris . but that must mean the murderer is still at large . ah , he could have killed this one days ago . the body is bloated , and the face is rotten . it was five minutes ago , you twit . im not a murderer . im not . and ive never known the pleasures of a woman or a proper eating apple . quiet , you . theres cheese in my eel pie . this week , in our summer hanging series , were pleased to present the muttonchop murderer . at last god fearing londoners are free to walk whore alley . stay your hand , inspector . that man is innocent . the murderers blade is covered with blood , but the handle is covered with something else the unmistakable fragrance of eel pie . hey , lots of people like eel pie . yeah . well , how many of them have muttonchops . why cant you be more like eddie . he never says a word against me . thats cause you cut out his tongue . you were the most famous member of scotland yard . why would you do this . well , the fact is , i wanted to come up with a case even you couldnt solve . and besides so long , you stupid british twits . youll never catch me . im traveling at the speed of wind . remember me for my police work and not the murders . well done . their fleet is destroyed . daddy , i had the craziest dream . ralphie , youre still in it . i have a serious brain disease . please give me a cat . this comically large capsule has lifetime supplies of niacin , thiamin and riboflavin glavin . prior to ingestion , the pill must be reduced by my amazing new shrink ray . shrink ray . oh , theres always something else to buy . first i lower the capsule top , then i zap the capsule , and now , who would like a lifetime of perfect health . ill take it . no , thats now well , all right . that sounds like maggie . but shes right here now , dont worry , my dear woman . she will be rocked gently to sleep by the stomach acid . hold on , maggie . daddys coming . ive got her . no , wait . this is yours . your daughter has minutes before the acid dissolves the capsule . but we can rescue her by sending a miniaturized vessel through mr . burns body . oh , stop that . the felt is slicing through me like a knife . bionauts assemble . captain . science officer . security . marge . now , i insist you take off your shoes when you get inside . and , uh , while youre in there , grab as much cancer as you can . let the commencement beginulate . now , you must enter the subclavian vein . screw you , doc . i fly from the gut . dad , you should listen to him . hes a man of science and you can barely read . has science ever kissed a woman . or won the super bowl . or put a man on the moon . this is what i think of your precious science help me , science . your ship is wedged in mr . burns heart . and you must dislodge it from outside . but watch out for retroviruses . oh , boy , are they retro . its a fun design by r . crumb , who was friends with harvey pekar . seriously though , touch one and youre dead . why is my swimsuit so revealing . marge , thats what turns a mediocre voyage into a fantastic voyage . maybe thisll help . whered you get that rib . theres a whole rack of em over there . i only ate two . bart , what are you doing . takin a whiz . stop that . were guests in mr . burns . to get to maggie in time , well have to catch a ride on a nerve impulse . the bodys information superhighway . learning is cool . and to make sure we get there super fast im hitting all the buttons with my palm . well , that hurt like hell . my sweet , undigested baby . im afraid i have some bad news , uh , simpsons . with the babys extra weight , you dont have enough power to make it back . and one of you must stay behind to save the rest . frink out . oh , my god . this is the worst halloween horror weve ever faced . and white blood cells are attacking my clothes . although i must admit , they know where to stop . well have to lighten the ship , which means one of us has to stay behind . fine , me . dont worry . well be fine . im saying good bye to everything i ever loved . oh , a marshmallow . boy , when god closes a door , he opens a window . mom , did you have to fly out through all those boogers . cut me some slack . im a widow . now , there is still a slight chance we could rescue your husband before he expands . uh , make that zero chance . frink out . dad , would you like some of my snicker bar cheesecake . oh , i feel full enough as it is . i say when were full . you dont wanna piss off a man who can kick you in the crotch from the inside . oh , i need a mouth hole . um and some other holes , too . cheer up , my chubby inner child . ive got a feeling everythings going to work out fine because ive got you under my skin . ive got you deep in the heart of me . so deep in my heart , youre really a part of me . ive got you under my skin . fox broadcasting company and twentieth century fox synchronization by lord damon . everyone loves the mick . i dont want mickey mantle . i want my mom . plenty of kids are going to look up to me when im auntie whatever it is . right now , people just know me as the wife of a guy who doesnt go to work . cant you understand that i need this . i guess dad has to be my hero now . not if you knew what hes been doing . welcome to the final battle of the ovenfresh challenge . shes already ahead of me . well , i didnt come this far not to cheat i look up to you because you let me down . thats clever and devastating . stop the competition . i dont deserve to win . i sabotaged all the other entries . looks like me and marge are both going to hell . thats when ill make my move . then i won with my festive holiday alco hog . i thought it was dead . thanks , honey , for saving me from myself . and marge , youll always be the best chef in our house . well , beat me , i do just scrambled eggs , homer . the secret ingredient is whiskey . hey , it keeps the kids quiet . hey , look . the new ovenfresh flour bag . that couldve been me . oh , i wish it hadve been . now that brandines famous , she done run off with james caan . but dont you worry . im going to fix his wagon . a toll booth . i hate these things thats it . next time , i fly . springfield . im turning this disco into a hockey rink . you mean a honky rink . you know , black dracula is now a congressman from virginia . bart , where did you get those . theres an open house next door . theyre giving out cookies and business cards . check it out . im a business jerk . marge , i dont want to buy this house . id have to live next door to myself . turn that down . screw you . relax , were just looky loos . were only here to compare our lifestyle to our neighbors . marge , its not fair to compare us to an american household . its so beautiful and modern . oh , a sub zero fridge . a slightly colder fridge . in my lifetime . amazing . this is the kitchen ive always wanted . oh , a bread maker maker . and check this out . a walk in microwave . hey , marge , can you press stop when my popcorns done . homie , when i married you , i knew we wouldnt live in luxury . and i kept that vow . but seeing that kitchen today made me wish we had something a little better for ourselves . ill build you a new kitchen , sweetie . thats so thoughtful , but maybe we should hire a professional contractor a contractor . those guys are the biggest crooks around . they charge for materials and labor . pick one , jerks . man , that hurt . and now to do the exact same thing again . maybe you should turn off the power . all right . dont demolish along the way . easy , . playdude magazines . have you been hiding bosom rags from me . trying to . these magazines are from before we were married . maybe you should throw them away . but i need them for the articles . les articles . so you wouldnt mind if i cut out all the erotic nudes . of course not . why would i want to look at a nude woman im not even married to . i wouldnt even know how she could improve me . im not wearing any clothes so why dont i just splay myself on a pool table . steady , heres your precious articles . thanks , marge , i cant wait to read about sport fishing with sonny jurgensen . what man would want you now . playdudes . let the blossoming of milhouse begin . i gotta be honest , i dont see what all the hubbub is about . hey , the lady in this picture is hot . she can calamine my hives anytime . thats congresswoman bella abzug . ciao bella the grown ups in this magazine are pretty cool . i could make the tree house look like this . then we could have orgies , whatever they are . well be playdude playmates . we are playdude playmates . we are playdude playmates . there it is , nice and smooth . id like to see your boyfriend the contractor do a better job . i think you used too much plaster . oh , now you tell me . i never stopped telling you . so thats what that white noise was . im calling a contractor . thanks for taking the job . im sorry my husband is being so difficult . get lost , crook . thats all right , mrs . simpson . many husbands feel emasculated when their wife must turn to a professional to satisfy her remodeling needs . why dont you just kiss her . im gay . but i have a subcontractor that does that sort of thing for me . i like a to kiss . now , dont you worry . your kitchen will be done in three weeks . when virginia woolf wrote , every woman needs a room of ones own , she must have been talking about the kitchen . whats the first thing youre gonna make in your new kitchen . how bout cooking up some money because this stupid kitchen cost . i was thinking of chicken wings . those are good too . same old stuff meatloaf , casserole , tuna loaf , loaferole , casseloaf marge simpsons wasabi buffalo wings . an eastern twist on a western new york favorite . these wings are going straight to my thighs and i say bon voyage . what do you think , thomas pynchon . these wings are v licious . ill put this recipe in the gravitys rainbow cookbook , right next to the frying of latke . i agree with my fellow cornell alumnus . huzzah for marge . huzzah . and how bout a huzzah for my husband who paid for our new kitchen . never . i thought i was springfields wing ding king , but , you make my chicken look like cock a doo doo . great stuff , ned . you know i was gonna enter this here ovenfresh bakeoff but up against you , i wouldnt have a hindus chance in heaven . if you win , ovenfresh industries will make you the new face of auntie ovenfresh . cmon , marge . its either you , or i guess it would be a hoot to have my face on everything . mrs . simpsonyou , must pursue your dreams . like my old dream of coming to america and starting a family . or my new dream of ditching my family and sneaking back to india in disguise . apu . never heard of him . my name is steve barnes . so , when do they start singing . well , the playdude advisor says this music will get a stewardess to give you a layover . i hope its in omaha . my grammy lives there . bart , can you come in here for a second . your mothers about to show us her new recipe . outtasight . lay it on me , mama . in the ovenfresh bakeoff , clever presentation is as important as taste . so im entering my dessert dogs . its deep fried cookie dough with meringue buns , cherry ketchup and caramel mustard . its dessert , but its hot dogs , so its good for you . marge , i dont want to freak you out , but i think i love you . i hope the ovenfresh bakeoff likes them as much as you do . mom , a letter from ovenfresh industries . well , open it . open it . open it . thank you for applying to the ovenfresh bakeoff . every year many wonderful cooks fail to qualify . but screw them , youre in . congratulations . oh , my god . someone somewhere says im better than someone else . im proud of you , honey . sorry , ralphie . the bakeoff rejected your recipe . i wanna be in the bakeoff . there , i think your grilled crayon sandwich was delicious . you only had a pretend bite . no , im eating it . look . can you taste the thumbtacks . crap . im here live at the annual ovenfresh bakeoff , brought to you by the ovenfresh flour family of products , including quetzalcoatls choice the favorite from zihuatanejo to popocatepetl . bart looks different today . nelson , your debonair wit reminds me of a young mort sahl . listen up , ring a . im throwin a little sip n quip at the playdude treehouse saturday night at the top of the ladder . be there or be square . i want to be a triangle . youre not invited . its going to be weird cooking without your tipsy father grabbing me from behind , but i think im up to it . welcome to the ovenfresh bakeoff . im billy bouillon cube . follow me to your oven station . why , thank you , billy . dont look at my human eyes . oh , dont mind billy . his oven lights on , but nothings cooking . so , what you makin marge . well stuart , im making a dessert that looks like a hot dog , but it isnt . youre making a tasty fake . that is so s . why dont we all move to seattle and use slow modems . yo , marge , your recipe she is pathetic . she is not . great licks , man , great licks . theres no room left in the grotto . whos that adult . it wouldnt be a playdude party without james caan . so , im trying to talk with miss november , and charlie callas over here is blocking my action with turns out hes choking on a peanut . well , a punch to the gut cleared that right up . bart , me and mrs . krabappel , were going to go play some backgammon if you know what i mean . i dont , but i hope you win . oh , hes going to win . some guys like a challenge . not me . ladies and gentlemen , before we begin , let us introduce auntie ovenfresh , . ribbons and trophies are no comfort on your deathbed . auntie ovenfresh . and now , chefs , start your kitchens . fish scales . stop . youre tainting my entry . im a so sorry it was , uh , how you say , um , done with malice aforethought , you did it on purpose . no , my english , shes a not so good . i was , uh , how you say , .  . ruining your food so i win , why is everyone at this bakeoff such a meanie bo . these muffin huffin batter biddies can smell weakness a mile away weakness named marge . why cant everyone just play fair and . did you just dunk your hair in my mixing bowl . youre weak , . listen here , simpson . your son has been exposing our kids to adult themes , unabashed dictionaries and the lesser short fiction of john cheever . adult themes . what are you talking about . my roddy told a joke about an octopus and a set of bagpipes , and the punchline implied that they fornicated . ralphie wants to go on the pill . stupid bart . bagpipes getting down with an octopus thats classic . hot bananas coming through . oops . my dessert . come on , mom . you still have minutes left . you can fix it . youre right . if i can feed a family of five on a week , i can do anything . you feed us on a week . i stretch your fathers meatloaf with sawdust . attention , contestants , baking time is over . the judging will commence in one hour . if your dish is not in the judging room by the time this metal door hits the ground , your entry will not be official , and will be eaten by the janitor . hurry , mom . i guess was the last one . damn it . these other dishes look so pretty . and those cheaters blackened my sugar wieners . id like to give those betty crookeds a taste of their own medicine . yes medicine . baby ear medicine . even the pope couldnt forgive this pizza and hes letting a lot of things slide these days . dont worry . theres plenty for all of you . now whos laughing , huh , . me . im laughing . i cant believe my mom would cheat . hey , sweetieis , mom winning . oh , shell win the contest but shell lose her soul . but shell still win the contest . and lose her soul . but win the contest . yes . if marge becomes auntie ovenfresh , well meet all the food personalities look . its mr . cashew , the koobler dwarfs , snip , crinkle and poof twinkle the kidd , i love you . whoa ho , easy there , partner . you killed him . he was my world . blood for creme . blood for creme . its always difficult to pick two finalists , but this year it was easy . all the other dishes made us vomit . our two remaining dishes are blackened dessert dogs by marge and armadillo a la road by brandine no last name given . thats an entry .  . i thought it was garbage . just cause it was cooked in a garbage can dont make it garbage . canned and frozen juices are more popular than ever these days but most bachelors we know would prefer to squeeze their own tomatoes . bachelors are always squeezin stuff . would you excuse us , milton . its milhouse . yeah , and your fathers no house . now scram . maybe i was a little hard on him . oh , well . bart , i know a father has no right to pry into the life of his ten year son but whats going on up here . im just spreadin the playdude philosophy hi fis, , norman mailer , gettin some what do you think some is . uh toys . i thought id never have to do this , but its time to tell you the facts of life . do you know what a boob is . oh , yeah . good , thatll save us some time . why do you think your mother and i sleep in the same bed . because were poor . exactly , and were poor because we have kids . and the biological method by which children are created by a man and a woman is and then the man and then the woman well , its better they hear it from me now than from their parents when theyre old enough . congratulations , mom . you seem to have a prescription for success . what a kind yet oddly ominous thing to say . now ive got to get ready for the finals . dont forget your secret ingredient cheating . its not my fault . lisa , the people in this bakeoff are stinkers who pushed me and pushed me like the pushy wushies they are . mom , if i dont have you to look up to , i dont have anyone . look , ill be a winner with feet of clay like mickey mantle . everyone loves the mick . i dont want mickey mantle . i want my mom . plenty of kids are going to look up to me when im auntie whatever it is . right now , people just know me as the wife of a guy who doesnt go to work . cant you understand that i need this . i guess dad has to be my hero now . not if you knew what hes been doing . welcome to the final battle of the ovenfresh challenge . shes already ahead of me . well , i didnt come this far not to cheat i look up to you because you let me down . thats clever and devastating . stop the competition . i dont deserve to win . i sabotaged all the other entries . looks like me and marge are both going to hell . thats when ill make my move . then i won with my festive holiday alco hog . i thought it was dead . thanks , honey , for saving me from myself . and marge , youll always be the best chef in our house . well , beat me , i do just scrambled eggs , homer . the secret ingredient is whiskey . hey , it keeps the kids quiet . hey , look . the new ovenfresh flour bag . that couldve been me . oh , i wish it hadve been . now that brandines famous , she done run off with james caan . but dont you worry . im going to fix his wagon . a toll booth . i hate these things . thats it . next time , i fly . springfield . thats right , a double dogleg, , hamstring knotting hop way to hell . what insane kangaroo dreamed this fevered nightmare . behold . ladies , grab your pebbles . what . nothing . lisa has a big butt . shut up . i do not . oh no . dont make lisa mad . she might crush us all with her giant butt . shut up , you . stop teasing the big bottomed lass . shes just as god made her plump as a christmas goose . dad the kids at school said my butts big . thats ridiculous , honey . youre the cutest little girl i know . you just have what is known as the simpson butt . permit me to elaborate . every simpson starts with a circle . daddy has one big circle here then a smaller one up here two big , sexy circles for eyes one macho muzzle then a snappy new outfit . oh , im looking good . oh , cuffs . yeah . and for some reason , my hair and ear form an m and a g . party . party . party . party . you want to know a little trick . to downsize my derriere , i just tie a sweater around it . see . oh , homer , youre wasting away to nothing . you simply must eat something . well , youre the boss . oh , i love to see my man eat . check it out , homes . you said if i ever got a hundred on a test , youd throw me a party . theres my hundred wheres my party . nice try , loser . i bet you made up a fake test . nope , its real check out the watermark . all right . seul vous pouvez prevenir les fraudes heres a mistake . it says the capital of kentucky is frankfort . dream on , pal . homer , the capital of kentucky is frankfort . really . frankfurter is that anything . yes , its something , dear . see , its all legit . now make with the party . all right , boy , which con did you work here . copy off another kid . pay attention and take notes . well , take note of this . bart really did get a hundred . i gave a test on state capitals , but i forgot to roll up the map . everyone got a hundred . i win . p a . par tee . people , please . its a school night . i thought you two broke up . this means nothing . yes , youve made that quite clear . maybe a different outfit would make me look thinner . this store makes me feel even worse about myself . i heard shes back to her birth weight . must be nice . no , the body on this mannequin is all wrong . i know . its such an unrealistic standard for young planing down the thighs , i make four bucks an hour planing down the thighs . i dont look so bad . dont worry , lisa . you can still find someone to love you . now youve got no choice . non . oh boy , bartys gonna party . he sure is if he can keep up with these party animals . aunt patty , aunt selma , grandma bouvier and grampa . plus your school yard chums martin and ralph . barts my bestest boyfriend . oh mom , this guest list sucks . its the best i could do on such short notice . wheres milhouse . hes got the measles . but weve got him on speakerphone . rock on . you know , the first time i met bart was at recess in first grade oh , i told him to use a land line . okay , gang , lets get this party started . or should i say barted . for our first game , i need everyone to draw a picture of president eisenhower . i drew him with canadian prime minister louis st . laurent . their relationship was frosty at best . duck , say goose , you stupid freak . oh , mom , this was the worst party ever . gee , i did the best i could heres lisa . shell save the party . honey , sit down . have a big slice of cake . what . im not fat enough already . how could you say that to me . lisa , wait hello . hello . i had to leave cause my french bread pizza dinged . hello . duck , whats the big deal bart didnt like his presents . so what . its not like he gives us such great gifts . remember that maple leaf ironed between the sheets of wax paper . what was that . that was crap . oh , its not just the presents . the kids dont appreciate me anymore . theyd rather hang out with their friends than with their mom . so theyre growing up . soon theyll be leaving the nest , and youll have time for yourself . hundreds of thousands of hours , and then , the peace of the grave . no . no , ive got a lot more mothering left in me . ill be right here at then ill take you to the zoo . we can eat fries out of a safari hat . no , thanks . im going to stay in the library and do a little reading . well , i guess its just you and me , bart . mom , after that lame party you threw , id rather hang out with thunder thighs here . they grow up so fast . theyre just asserting their independence . if a child doesnt do it now , it may never happen . seymour . do you want your vitamin in applesauce . or are you gonna take it like a big boy . applesauce . oh , sure , you love me now , but youll turn . stop struggling and get in my mouth , jerks . arent you the boy who beats up my son . probly . whats your name . simpson . oh , yeah . bart simpson . spiky hair , soft kidneys , always hitting himself . those tadpoles are your lunch . technically , brunch . well , here , take this . my daughter didnt want the lunch i made . this sandwich rocks . my tadpoles seem crude by comparison . youre nocturnal . you dont have to impress me by making fun of others . i already like you . im starting to let down my guard . thanks , mrs . s . today didnt totally suck nard . its nice to be appreciated . whatever . take it sleazy . mom .  . nelson . i thought you were sleeping in the park tonight . oh , thats okay , the kid dont bother me none . hey , nelson , say hello to moe . he said hed take you camping sometime . i said i might . hey , kids , i just heard they canceled league night down at the bowling alley . you know what that means . open lanes . whaddya say . itll be blam . bart , lisa and mom . mom , when i want lame and needy , ill call milhouse . no offense . fine . ill take my mothering elsewhere . oh , great roll , nelson . here , i cut up your hot dog for you . wow , hot dogs are awesome . youve never had one before . no , but i saw some in a catalog once . people in sweaters were eating them at a picnic . so , my mom works at hooters , but her dream is to go to vegas and work in a real strip club . and , uh , wheres your dad in all this . he went out for a pack of cigarettes and never came back . he said smell ya later , but he never smelled me again . nelson , howd you like to earn some extra money around our house . i have some odd jobs my kids wont do . yeah . i get the feeling bart isnt everything he could be in the son department . sometimes i think hes more interested in his itchy and mitchy cartoons than me . im sure its just a phase , like when i used to stand on the overpass and drop computers on the freeway . thats how we get our kaypro . hey , lisa . are you counting how many days it takes to wash your big butt . i cant hear you . thats because your butt blocks your ears . that doesnt make any sense . neither does your butt . i know this obsession with thinness is unhealthy .  . and anti feminist but thats what a fat girl would say . lis , look . now , i know theres a handsome young man behind all that hair and dirt . maybe not , but you did a great job on the lawn . thanks , dingus i mean , maam . my mother my bully my god . lisa , just take a bite . one bite thats all i ask . now , i cant have toothpaste tonight . heres the money you gave my son . we dont want your charity . i didnt give your son charity . i gave him self respect . self respect, , huh . no wonder he came home with his vest all buttoned like he was somebody . go home to your son , mrs . muntz , and try not to have intercourse on the way . nelson , what are you doing out this late . my mom ditched me . she went to hollywood to be an actress , but her range is limited . shes still your mother . come inside . can i get you a glass of milk . cow milk .  . what are you doing in my jammies . im your new roommate . i call top bunk . but its a single bed . i said top bunk . mom , the reason god invented dead bolts is to keep people like nelson out of your house . bart , have you ever eaten a tootsie pop . you know , theres a tough , crunchy shell , but if you lick it , theres a delicious sweetness inside . be nice to nelson , and ill give you a tootsie pop . morning , losers . mrs . simpson . pancakes , my favorite . bart , eat up or youll be late for school . im not hungry . you heard the lady , clean your plate . savor it . let the flavors dance on your palate . next on abc , whos dropping by to see george lopez . we pray its you . open . nelson , doesnt that hurt your teeth . my teeth hurt all the time . i just try to think about motorcycles . i dont like the sound of that . tomorrow im taking you to dr . shapiro . a doctor for your teeth . whats next , a lawyer for your hair . papa , can you hear me . papa , can you see me . papa , can you find me in the night . papa , are you near me . papa , can you hear me . papa , can you help me not be frightened . looking at the skies i seem to see a million eyes which ones are yours . i gotta do something about him . this is the perfect test . if i can have one dab of frosting and then stop , ill know ive conquered food at last . that was too easy . if i stop here , i still have some dignity . well , at least shes not singing streisand . hey lis , still insecure about your body . yeah , a little . those mean girls just get to me . i understand . i have a sister i think shes dead now who had the same problem . and i know just the solution . sherri . terri . the only thing sweeter than you two are these stolen cookies . enjoy . thank you , nelson . sherri smells , terri smells stinky all the way stink stink one horse open sleigh thank you , nelson . he who haw haws last , haw haws best . i really appreciate you teaching those mean girls a lesson . tomorrow i can bleach a swear word into their hair . id like that . nelson . papa . you came back . i never meant to leave you , nelson . but something awful happened when i went to the store . well , that explains a lot . whos hungry . no . i want to hear what happened at the store . well , i went in to buy cigarettes could you gift wrap them , please . theyre for my son . i also bought myself a candy bar , which , uh , unfortunately was filled with peanuts , to which i am allergic . i ran outside just as the circus was rolling into town . and thats where i found him . i brought him back here so he could take nelson away , and my bruises would heal . i want to give you a home again , son . and so do i . mom . i got an acting job . from the third director i slept with . i play lady macbeth . i dont have to take my top off , but i do anyway . well , im glad everything worked out so well . the muntzes are back in business . yep , the four muntzes . thanks for finding my dad , bart . and thanks , lady , for making me feel good about myself . so , now that youre happy again , i guess you wont beat me up at school anymore . i wish it were that simple . i really do . theyre a family again . and so are we . what happened . sometimes you have to adopt your sons bully in order to bring your own family temporarily closer . and lisa , what have you learned . nothing . like many women , i still have an unhealthy obsession with my weight . but talking about the problem is the first step towards the solution , right . i guess . but theres a long way to go . come on , say something conclusive . im afraid this is a very open ended problem . oh , open ended .  . oh , come on , lisa . say everythings fine . everythings fine . that was you . prove it . springfield . cmon , boy . take your pill . mom , the dog wont take his medicine . it helps if you wrap it in a slice of cheese . free cheese . homer , that was for the dog . whats happened to us , marge . we used to feed each other cheese and laugh all night . then came the heart attacks . whats that rumble . its a media circus . the circus . a media circus . i dont know the difference . abc , cbs the christian science monitor has a flat tire . ill get the spare . no . we must wait for god to jack us . in springfield today , a sex scandal has brought in reporters from around the world . why , heres fox news . the cause of all this commotion is mayor and suspected illegal immigrant joe quimby , named today in paternity suits by different women . why wont you acknowledge our love child .  . that is not my baby . raise this as your own . this is the most exciting scandal since the juice was on the loose . the juice is still on the loose . mr . mayor , just how many illegitimate children are you hiding . kent , im hiding nothing except this puppy . look into his eyes and tell me im lying . well , im placated , and so are all my friends in the local media . i have a question . chloe talbot , global news network . it seems a big shot reporter from some major news outlet isnt satisfied . well , if it isnt local news legend kent brockman . hey , kent , run over any more pedestrians . those records are sealed . shes from springfield . i knew her in high school . i didnt think anyone successful came from springfield . what about that two headed goat . technically , he was born in shelbyville . yes , but he came here to die . one of you ate tin cans , one of you ate health food . how you solved crimes , ill never know . mr . mayor , you claim to be faithful to your wife , but i have obtained this exclusive video tape . come on , baby , read my sash . youre the major . thats mayor , you fertile moron . two things are certain  the mayor is in deep trouble , and the local newsmen in this town are idiots . channel six news rocks . a car chase every night , or the weather girl wears a tube top . and if she doesnt , you win a pizza . chloe sure turned out successful . youre successful , too , mom . you made a chore wheel thats both fair and wise . marge , i figured out a way we can get in on this quimby lawsuit . bart , go ahead . mayor quimby is my father . give me one million dollars . diamond joes got to go . diamond joes got to go . mr . mayor , will you answer one question . only if it is submitted in writing . checkmate . marge . marge simpson . chloe , hi . where are you living now . evergreen terrace . paris . just like you always dreamed . terrace . evergreen terrace . the street that smells like pee . this is my daughter , lisa . chloe , i really admire how you got out of springfield and became such a success . hey , only the lame os stay . and your mother . super lady . well , it is good to see you , chloe . would you like to come over for dinner tomorrow . oh , id love to . im getting so sick of these greasy catered meals . you insult me , you insult italy . which is shaped like a boot . who knew . homer simpson . i sawed you on the television . i remember you from high school . you barfed in my tuba . i believe it was the schools tuba . these kebabs you made are as good or better than anything ive ever had at this table . homer . oh , marge , im just being polite . my back pains completely cured . that was one too many . i got the recipe for these in istanbul . more . i was writing a story for harpers magazine . harpers magazine . i have a picture of lewis lapham on my binder . oh , but ive been yapping about myself all night . marge , whats exciting in your life lately . well we finally found out why the dog was scooting around on his butt all day . turns out he had an impacted anal gland . the excitement never stops . chloe , would you like to see slides of our trip to athens boulevard recreational center . id love to oh , my shows on . mind if we watch a little . i guess . the talbot report with chloe talbot . tonight , chloe interviews bob dylan . so bob , what religion are you converting to now . well , ill tell you one thing shalom . followed by chloes triumphant return to her depressing little hometown springfield . hello , ned . hey , comic book guy , krusty the clown i thought he was dead . yeah . i guess you aint been to too many supermarket openings lately . you know , chloe , some of us stayed in this town and made it a better place . oh , come on , marge . the only reason we dont move out of this dunghill is because of my court  ordered ankle bracelet . im here . im here . quit buggin me . why do you always have to show that to company . its a conversation starter . this is the dance the chinese government makes dissidents perform before they shoot them . homer , what are you doing . i swallowed a chicken bone . chloe , youve lived so many fascinating places . yes , but down deep in my heart , ill always be the girl who wanted to leave springfield . gee , with all that travel , you probably havent had much time to find that special someone . oh , ive had a few flings . bill clinton . schwarzenneger . oh , excuse me . but not all of us can be as lucky as you , marge . homers a wonderful man . did you just swallow another bone . same one . chloe is amazing . even her serving bowl smells glamorous . thats ridiculous . no ones bowl smells its like christmas in aspen . did you know back in high school that shed be such a star . back then , we were both stars in the thrill a world of high school journalism . together we broke the biggest story of the semester . one of the cafeteria workers was spitting in the soup . ill teach you to give me my first job out of prison . when we published the story , we received the schools highest award . ladies , it is my great pleasure to award you these certificates of merit . in this box marked honoree , fill in your names . and over here , write in what you did . ill be back . you aint tasted the last of my spit . oh , that moe . but good for you , mom . why didnt you follow chloe into journalism . well , we both faced a tough decision go off to journalism school , or stay in springfield with our sweethearts . stay with me , marge , and i promise well travel the world and perhaps outer space . i love you , chloe and i love you too , brake fluid . chloe left town as soon as barney proposed . i wouldve followed her , but my plans changed when god brought me a wonderful little boy bart , stop that . this isnt what it looks like . why would homer write his name in grime . ah , thats better . mom , chloe just won the peabody award . well , i just made the bathroom floor smell like lemons . wheres the award for that . oh , mom , dont feel bad . everybody appreciates your im late for my dinner with chloe . good news , marge . ive learned to walk naked on stilts . theres dan rather and tom brokaw hanging out with kent brockman . you want your mic back , local anchor . this just in im pissed off . hi , fellas . chloe , wanna feel my muscle . chloe has such an amazing life . i wonder what would have happened if id stuck with journalism . oh , honey , her life cant compare to yours . youve got three kids , a tv tray from expo and youre married to king stink . yeah , i guess . marge , listen to me . chloe may have a flashy job , but youre the backbone of this family . youre like the electrical tape that holds the two halves of my car together . thats a sweet thought , homie . i just hate to see you upset , honey . you know what would be a good name for maggie . chloe . that was such an exciting night . morley safer has the biggest head ive ever seen . i really had fun . its gonna be a let down going to school tomorrow . we have to make a pilgrim out of felt . im covering the u . n . womens conference in capital city tomorrow . you want to come with me . thatd be wonderful . id have to ask my mom . well , you can ask her right now . shes glaring at us from the front lawn . marge , its my fault were a little late . how dare you show my daughter a life of fun and possibility . keep your dish washing hands off the armani . for your information , our electric dishwasher is on the fritz . not that you care about the ups and downs of my appliances . do ya . huh , do ya . thats it . im going to show you some moves i learned from g . gordon liddy . im so sick of names . ladies . there is no need to fight over me . no ones fighting over you . oh . well , then , carry on . you dont know when to quit . shiner be . lisa , honey , let me explain what happened tonight . sometimes when your mom has half a glass of wine , she goes cuckoo bananas . so is it okay if i go to the womens conference with chloe . let me think about it . no . ive never disobeyed mom before . is this a step im really willing to take . i dont know . the more i think about it thinking is for losers . bart . thanks for helping me make up my mind . thanks for cushioning my fall . i didnt cushion your i saw your report on kuala lumpur . truly hard hitting . thanks , tom . i really appreciate that . so , i , you know , i was wondering yes . would you like to come to my celebrity racquetball tournament . ill have to check my schedule . ill give you a first round bye . gotta go , tom . ill think about it . lisa , breakfast . i know youre mad at me , but i hope youre not mad at capn crunch . homer , weve gotta get lisa . all right . while im gone , boy , you think about what you did . what did i do . you , uh why , you little . need a reason for strangling , do ya . ill fix your wagon . hello . chloe , forget about the womens conference . i need you to get over to mount springfield . its about to erupt . dont we have a reporter who specializes in natural disasters . yeah , hes busy covering julia roberts last haircut . but seriously , hes dead . now get going . hey , there . the names chet . im your cameraman for this here cano story . lets see . ive been to afghanistan , serbia , lebanon okay , i lied . i shoot wedding videos just fort worth . hello , u . n . womens conference . were trapped . lisa , we may not make it , but at least we can go out as the great journalists we are . im not a journalist . im not a journalist . you are now . remember to keep my boobs in the shot . and were on in five , four , three i dont see lisa in any of the seminars . and im growing ashamed of my penis . homer , look . im here at the long dormant springfield volcano , which is now spewing noxious debris into the air . how male . with me is my eight year cameragirl , lisa simpson . shes taken my daughter to an erupting volcano . thats it . she is off the christmas card list . marge , thats crazy talk . now look . ill save lisa . your place is here with the women . okay , you go save lisa . ill stay here with the women . what do women want .  . weve gotta go now . okay . ill run as fast as i can , but im full of potato salad . im sorry , folks . youre not allowed to go up there . in fact , i dont even know why im here . this lava is not a criminal . it hasnt hurt anybody . anybody i know . chief , my daughters up there . youre a father , too . yeah , but im a cop first then a boat enthusiast amateur historian yo yo dieter then im a cop again help . help . so much sulfur dioxide . im coming , sweetheart . ill save you , lisa . be careful , mom . theres hot lava under the ground . actually , when its underground , lava is called magma . youre so smart , chloe . walter cronkite told me the same thing . shut up . mom , that was incredible . nothings more powerful than a mothers love . mom , your hair . dont worry . weve got two hours before it burns down to my head . our top story tonight im about to die . barney , you saved my life . chloe , when you left me , i was devastated . but i sobered up long enough to become a pilot . with you beside me , i think i could make it work . how bout a half hour of pity sex . is there any other kind . in the wake of the devastating eruption , one springfielder proved herself a hero marge simpson . shes won herself a free hero sandwich at springfield sub shops . extra charge for warm ups . mom , i wanna be just like you . i mean the lava part , not saving lisa . pretend to care . well , looking at you kids , i know i made the right choice in life . im sure you did . but still , dont you ever wonder what might have happened if things had gone differently . well this is marge simpson reporting from lake placid where the miracle on ice never happened . no . lisa , what are you doing in there . praying to buddha , jesus , spongebob . theres no time to be picky . perhaps we should help . screw her . springfield .  . hind the frigerator there was a piece of glass miss lucy sat upon it and it cut her big fat ask me no more questions , ill tell you no more spitballs . im using your unfinished novel . youre in big trouble , mister . im bleeding . hmm , theres no cut on your cheek . whered the blood come from . hey , i got a loose tooth . gross . i bet you cant twist it . of course , i can twist it . im great . this is my last baby tooth . thats the money tooth . i heard the tooth fairy pays triple for it . then lets hurry up and rip it out of my head . skinner . your bus driver just totaled my camry . can i offer you the use of my merkur . filled with your burger king cups and wrappers . no , thank you . lousy drawer . potato mashers stuck in the small spoon slot . what kind of madman would do that . bart , honey , im so sorry . no problem . no harm done . i wouldnt say that . god , please give your daughter the tooth fairy the strength to carry my cash and the integrity not to dip her wand in the till . what the . the tooth fairys made a donation in my name to the united way .  . that gossamer witch . maybe when the tooth fairy saw it was your last baby tooth , she realized youre not a little boy anymore . so she gave you a grownup gift . im not going to grow up . oh , yes , you are . why in the right light , youre starting to get your own muzzle . i thought it was chocolate milk . yeah , thats how it starts . no . im still a kid . and what do kids love . kid stuff like this . what you realizing , jerk . that im not a kid anymore . thats harsh . i knew i was an adult the day the judge said , were trying you as an adult . well , theres one thing no one can take away  my childlike imagination . sergeant activity , your mission is to scale the icy walls of mt . bloodkill . must defeat dr . blizzard and the avalanchoids . lieutenant adventure , what are you doing here . youre quite the daredevil , sergeant activity . its high time you protected yourself with supplemental disability insurance . at my age . can i qualify . youd be surprised . if youre a non smoker, , it can cost just a few dollars a month . whats happening to me . maybe im not a kid anymore . good bye spirogram , good bye sketch n , good bye ravenous rhinos , duopoly , parchoosey , humor putty and sock em knock em cyborgs . good bye, , childhood . dust in the wind all we are is dust in the wind good bye, , friends . so eden sank to grief , so dawn goes down today . nothing gold can stay . hey , sea captain . giving your toys a viking funeral , eh . i really dont want to talk about it . if you change your mind , i wont be far . thanks , but ive been told im a good listener . but when youre a captain , you never know when people are just flattering you . hes gone . darn it . i just want a friend who isnt a work friend . bart , if you dont get up now , good luck getting a pancake . dads pulled his chair right up to the stove . lis , i think im having a mid life crisis . if youre feeling depressed , do what i do and write something  a novel , a play . or i could write something thats not gay . bart , someone wrote something cynical on your shirt . let me wash it off . leave me alone . this expresses my rage at the machine . well , i like t shirts with a nice joke . like , support our troops . barts t shirt is a classic . just like keep on truckin . as if i would ever want to stop truckin . i wish i had that shirt . its clever , funny , and would cover my boy boobs nicely . im too sexy for my shirt too sexy for my shirt so sexy it hurts im too sexy for milan too sexy for milan bart , i need that shirt . ill trade you puppy goo for it . she still has a lot of her original strawberry scent . forget it . my attitude isnt for sale . what am i saying . of course it is . t shirts . get your sassy t shirts . daddy , can i buy this one . lets see . get bent . well , the only thing that could mean is kneel down and pray . well take the whole box . get bent , everyone . this could get me out of a lot of sticky situations . ill take a dozen . do you have a t shirt with calvin peeing on hobbes . sorry . well , what do you got him peeing on . well , . selling t shirts without a permit , and it looks like one of the lights in your sneakers is out . come on , chief . i cant afford to pay protection to you and nelson . well , then , youre out of business , boy . lets go , boys . confiscate his merchandise . are any of those my size . extra extra large . here you go , chief . proud nubian princess . score . its no fair . i just started , and im out of business . why dont you go legit and sell your shirts in stores . but im just a kid . youre a kid no longer , bart . youve become a man . hey , youre right . i am . and as an adult , youll be needing comprehensive insurance . ill just leave these brochures . so how can i get my shirts in stores . i bet you could find a distributor at the springfield novelty expo . thats right . its tomorrow . oh , my god , its a small retailer . he could make or break us . mr . retailer . over here . your customers will love these mood lollipops . every lick reveals your mood . it works . if blue is the color for unimpressed . t shirts . come order my homemade t shirts . my mom thinks theyre good . are yall ready for this . krusty show t shirts are made for kids by kids . and we pass the slavings on to you . weve got all your favorite characters  itchy , scratchy , poochy , austin powers itchy , poochy , scratchbob itchpants , confederate itchy , and osama bin scratchy . that sucked . well , at least ive still got my health . oh , my golly graciousness . bad car . apologize to the poor little boy . this shirt is humorlarious . lets see what else youve got . amazing , trailblazing , insightful , delightful , hysterical , a miracle . the kidsll go cuckoo for these . my names goose gladwell . of gooses gags and gifts .  . thats right . ive got stores in states , and i want to sell your shirts in most of them . you really think my shirts will sell . absotivally . here , take my card . sorry . thats my old number . let me give you the new one . darn . its out of ink . but my phone numbers on the pen . oh , but its my old phone number . ill call you . ive been reading this magazine for years , but i never dreamed my son would be on the cover . its goose . what the . hello , simpsons . you broke in . were big fans , mr . gladwell . nothing makes parents happier than when an eccentric single man takes an interest in their child . bart , thats your share of the t shirt profits so far . look at all that cash . and now , its time for me to leave . what a delightful sprite . smithers , there seems to be some sort of communiqu on that mans blouse . i believe it says , dont wake me . im working . bolshevism . sheer bolshevism . ripe for the quashing . youre suspended without pay . take your clacking balls and go . and on your way out , remove all the fillings you got under our dental plan . you know what , mr . burns . im never coming back . my sons making so much cash in the t shirt game , that i dont have to work another day in my life . assuming my health does not deteriorate as i age . good riddance to bad blubber . smithers , want to go get a cup of coffee . i just had one , sir . why is everyone so insolent today . well , today is christmas , sir . i say when its christmas . too much change around the house got you down . help me , romco change magician . the change magician will change your life for the better . order today . bart , can i ask you an important question . how much .  .  . heres . thats your donut money , too , mister . lenny , carl , how you doing . hey , homer . hows retirement . its awesome . you know what ive gotten into . sleeping till noon . yeah . well , we better get going . some of us have to get up for work tomorrow . hey , just cause im not working doesnt mean i cant gripe like you guys . dont you hate it when people steal your lunch out of the break room fridge . actually , that stopped after you left , homer . yeah , well , enjoy the autumn of your years , jerk . oh , i see whats going on . you cant stand to be around a guy whos got total financial independence . your bill , sir . no problem . bart , i need . dad , the bills only . i broke some bathroom fixtures . pathetic . im pathetic . because i take money from my ten year son . well , let me tell you something . i still call the shots around here . homer , use your inside voice . i dont have an inside voice . the wild serengeti  home of africas equivalent to the mountain lion , the regular lion . these toothy tarzan munchers have a rigid hierarchy with a single alpha male ruling the pride until a younger , more aggressive lion challenges his power . the couch is like that tree . the displaced male has two choices either spend the rest of his days among the other broken down old lions all the good graves are taken . or find inclusion in the tribe , by caring for vulnerable young cubs . lisa , basic cable said i should nurture you . great . will you play malibu stacy with me . okay , you be the girl and ill be the car . im going to the organic market . screw the market , were going to mexico . its el flanderino . run him down . i cant run im wearing flip flops . whats that dealie . its my entry for the all school science fair . it shows the history of nuclear physics , from marie curies laboratory to a scale model of the first nuclear reactor . oh , youll win for sure . you and science go together like lenny and carl . the science is carl . oh , lisa . id like to introduce you to the next winner of the science fair . behold . my project . childlike humanoid urban muchacho  or chum . dont hold my hand . its creepy . hush , my pet . now let us gather our rosebuds while we may . a robot .  . last year the winner was a jar of owl pellets . i dont have a chance now . honey , all you needs a little help from your dad . remember , i did used to work at a science factory . well , were supposed to do this without parental help . sweetie , thats orphan talk . stupid atomic pile . how hard could it be to build a reactor . korea did it , and look at the quality of their animation . what to do , what to do . maybe the internet has the information i need . it certainly answered a lot of my questions about wang enhancement . are you a terrorist . no . would you like to meet someone special but are tired of the bar scene . no . i will never tire of the bar scene . lets see , i can make that . you can get that by smashing open a golf ball . that you can find in any player piano . all i need is some plutonium , and i know just the place to get it . dad . dont look . dad , what did you do . sweetie , your daddy is going to show you just how much he loves you . you know that non functioning nuclear reactor you built . yes . i juiced it up a little . dad , that could explode . oh , thats ridiculous . that things gonna blow . drop this toy and run . mom , dad built a device that would be deadly in the wrong hands , and hes holding it . homer , i want you to get that damn irradiating whatsit out of my home . i never complain about your frilly pillows . how many t shirts do you have here . just one . it takes a marine honor guard to fold it . it used to be a dust cover for a hummer . i could go on and on . gravies and lentilmen , i have an exciting announcement . i have sold the rights to the bart simpson t shirt line to the disney company , which will turn each one into a movie . really . how much money do i get . you get nothing . in fact , thanks to my team of loopy lawyers i never have to give you another penny . all you get is a very valuable lesson . never trust a weirdo . im stuck on a nail . god , thats painful . i cant feel my whats the matter , boy . goose gladwell ripped me off , and theres nothing i can do about it . im just a stupid kid . son , when you grew up , i grew down , and now i can see you need your dad more than ever . and homer , i can see you need me more than ever . get back in the garage , old man . but theres spiders in the boxes . stay out of my boxes . you give my son what he deserves , or ill knock you on your delightfully offbeat ass . i must warn you , sir . i was a green beret in vietnam . the things i saw there are what made me crazy . sir , this is a class two plutonium fission reactor . if i turn this dial , the resulting blast would destroy the entire tri city area , including that guy who sells those blu blocker sunglasses people sometimes wear . damn him to hell . you cant be serious . are you prepared to take that chance . okay , heres all the money ive got . not so fast . i also want , um some dribble glasses , fake boobs , two of barts t shirts, , and that rapping toilet seat . yo , keep it on a low flow . im hanging this over the mantel . thanks , dad . well , im just glad were back to me being the father and you being the son . are you sure that thing could really explode . oh , i doubt it . but well let the seagulls at the dump figure it out . theres more than one way to lose a tooth . hey , idiot , youre fat , and your mom is naked on the internet . you also smell . youve given me a lot to think about . springfield . cant we sit on the couch without something happening . dooughh . i cant believe mr burns reserved the entire museum . just for an office party doesnt seem fair to the regular visitors . we drove on the plus side , this rope is mighty soft touch it , kids . party . party . party homer , these are the people you work with show some restraint . restraint . restraint . restraint . lighten up , marge . that is my chance to relax with people from work i never get to see like this guy . i am your supervisor . really . how am i doing . well , if it isnt my favorite employee , and his spouse . and these must be children . have a gingerroot . mr burns acting nice thats odd .  . he must be up to something . lise , mr . burns is the sweetest kindest man i know . how many man do you know . basically , him and dad . nice touch , moe . yes , thanks , i bought these for my funeral . it aint got no back , so dont make me turn around hey , im payin for silk lining coffin , and damn it . i want to feel it . since the dawn of aviation , man has built museums dedicated to the history of flight . and created audiovisual materials to orient visitors to those museums . from a handrawn flipbook at the wright brothers museum to the i max movie at the cape canaveral . aviation museum av materials have taken aprils and dozens alike are now rocket ride to comprehension this is the story of those materials . type in a burns giant head . it sounds like burns . hahaha . thats him do a tee here we have a vintage film of the original springfield wingwalker including our own agnes skinner wow , a wooden plane . it was about time trees are good for to something . rather than just stand there like jerks . the plywood pelican was larger than a football field . it weighs more than the state of new hampshire . it was only flown once , by its creator mister c . montgomery burns . i flew it at an altitude of feet , for a distance of and a half feet then we discovered that rain makes it catch fire then the fhrer fired me what a magical party this has been mr burns is a great man . ive got a bad feeling about all this . come on marge , this place is great . free admission , free grub , and we got to use the bathroom of the future . homer that was a power twelve . greetings , wages junkies . is everyone happy and content . yea . this is great . i would die for you . has your sense of outrage dulled . filled it , super boss . very well effective immediately the employee prescription drug program is terminated . what .  .  . why . in these days of raising health care cost bla lip service , lip service get out . this must be the nasty surprise he mentioned in the invitation . this sucks . get him . fly , you fool . i try to explain to you sir this thing is never actually work smithersyou , must believe . next stop , paral island well , it was a pretty good party you think carole from payroll and mike from shipping will hooked up . he is married . change the course carole must be warned . now that mr burns has eliminated the drug plan were gonna have to cut back on our diseases . ill get a second job . one that pays well . you think those guys from friends need another friend . this show has gone off the air . damned it . i would have been perfect as rachels irish cousin . soo you doin each otherare , ya . but whos gonna put out for the old seamus . i need a new job , that provide full healths benefit uhuhm . as long as i only work hrs a day no heavy lifting no light clerical , none of that secret santa crap tasteful nudity . aa , well , let me see what ive got . you have defeated the doom part that seal the portal phobos is saved . phobos . thats a good job for me . following the lead of springfield nuclear power other local company has canceling their prescription drug plan even here at channel . well kids . i want you to go to your parents medicine cabinet and find all the pills labelled lithium dibromide . and send them to me . now . noone likes a bipolar clown . hueehe he . to cope with the crisis , many consumers has turning to alternative forms of treatment . ive had medicated ralphie with stuff from the evidence locker ha , . im coofer from contraband . of course , these wouldnt be necessary if retail drug prices were reasonable dr . julius hibbert , do you agree . i cant give drug companies the break we have lots of hidden cost and they know how to treat a brother . let me introduce you to the fine looking females of pfizer . i like big butts and i can not lie you other brothers cant deny when a girl walks in with an itty bitty waist and a round thing in your face you get sprummed .  . pfizer side effects includes dizziness and shortness of marriage daamnn . let me start out by saying it is always a pleasure t sit down with a mother and a daughter who snoutpass a security and burst into my office i just dont see why one little pill should cost . drugs are not so expensive on another countries you know that countries families also lie on the floor and eat bugs what countries are those . have you ever been to norway . no . that they doin it in norway and thats why i personally thank god we pay too much for drugs i mean , aa . the right amount . i mean not enough .  . here , watch this video . the mighty amazon river the natives has a word for it then we got rid of the indians and noone remembers that word but heres a word everyone remembers by huey lewis and the news . i want a new drug . when the woman is sick when the woman crashed my car and made you feel i want a new job alright , heres your medication wait a minute . this aint no pill . its a cork nut . ive got a bottle cap mine flew away . let me explain from behind this cage . your pills have become very expensive . and noone gets a rats ass about you , so after a lot of thougt we decided to let you go cold turkey for those who survive the night , will be having waffles tomorrow . woo , waffles . i didnt die in world war ii just to be pushed around by some pill hoardin hushy im gonna fight this thing he is crazy , but what do you wannado , hes young . well the drug company wont do anything to help us i got the answer . dad . oh , thank god its the right place i burst the first homes before this one now listen . all the drugs we want are across the border i have a friend wholl help us the border , eh . and i better sand off my finger prints i could just wear gloves . naah , they are upstairs . holla , senor . we are gringo and wish to spend mucho dinero in your country splendid . welcome to canada . doh . ok , here are your free canadian health cards take them to any pharmacy and youll be have enough drugs to make your regina looked like sheeshcatu .  . thats a good one johny . thanks a million johny . in appreciation id like to give you this dvd player what the heck . where do you pour the syrup . id like some vayax , commadine , epherol and a autoinflate blood pressure monitor c cuff, , with case .  . anything you like , fellow canadian . canadian . thems fightin words i mean , accurate words . anything to declare . i declare that you have the most beautiful brown eyes . why , i do believe youre smuggling a heart as big as all outdoors . now get in my country , you big lug . did he had a passport . yes to my heart . drugs . various drugs . be sure to read instructions . o , ow . where do i put the instructions . now , whos next . i got pills that make you sleep late , coagulate , illuminate , and copulate in that order . grand pa , we would like to thank you for all you have done for us please accept this operation dumbo drop souvenir jacket look , they use the same d for the dumbo and the drop unbelieveably only three who ever purchased marge . bart . lisa . aloha . oh this is just like hawaii but you dont get beaten up if you leavin the hotel what gives . we just wanted to thank you . because of the xanax , im not over anxious about being a simpsons anymore im a little anxious being on xanax but the zolox covers them nicely my dad . the drug mule . oh , man . i need something to settle my stomach oh wait . i was supposed to take it with food oh look , its mr . homer , my favorite customer . please feel free port through my playdudes , and tell me to go back to some country i am not actually from why all the sweet talk , apu . are you after some cheap drugs . please let me come on one of your smuggling runs my babies are driving me crazy . with their coughing , and sneezing and general oozing my janitor and drummies are afraid to come out . what does that mean . i do not even know . thats the kind of bad jokes im makin im so tired . help me out , homer . little roddie needs his insulin it breaks my heart to watch that jones diddily flanders . i do not know . i mean you havent done me anything since you lend me that yesterday i dont claim to be the perfect neighbour if you let us come , id give you do what you will no cameras . no cameras . homer , tell mr ned to stop trying to convert me i was just tellin him how brave he is to worshipping false god i do not worship one god , ok . i worship a whole super team of dietys that .  . aaaw . aww . ok , he just pinched me . well , wheres your super team now . listen you two . ill tell you who the true god is if , you both quiet for the rest of the trip . alright , im comin back there .  . give it . save me shiva . why didnt you just callout for hawkman . why you didnt you shut up . well circle cut my bacon . looky all this yankee doodi dandies . is there another vietnam going on . well , hello neighbourino to the north . i sure like your jibberish . say , would you like to pop on the reefereeno . its legal here . they warned me satan would be attractive . lets go . anyone wants some coffee for the ride back . its not convenient store crap is it . because i dont feed that to my dogs . no , its home brewed . careful . its hotter than a fox news weather skank . here , let me wrap this wet towel around your head to cool you off stop him . hes expressing his faith , eh . hold on . were just innocent tourist . walalalaa i took another sip . today , mountees busted a major american drug smuggling ring former us astronaut , homer simpson was taken into custody . oow , my butt looked so huge during the perp walks we have confiscated your car and its contents . nous avons confisqu votre voiture et son contenu . you may leave canada , but never returned . vous pouvez quitter le canada , mais vous navez plus le droit de rentrer . i am a big fat french idiot . je suis un grand gros  . no more drugs . we let everyone down . your jacket , senor . thank god , we did not stitch your name over the breast dad , you tried your best . for the first time in my life i can say without being drunk i truly admire you . no drinking in public . hey , where did it go . oh , well . aah , theres nothing like canceling employee drug plan somewhat i feel sweet peace with the universe i agree , sir . shut up . im so sick of you , smithers youre toiling , your complete inability your grasping on the floor , whaaa .  .  . smithers , is this some sort of hyjinx . stop it immediately . sir , my thyroid is swelling up . confound it , man . i need your throat clear and ready for purgery when you canceled the drug plan i could not afford me my viroksine anymore but before i died , err the word i long to say .  . sir , i , fear not , smithers . ill move heaven and earth to save you . its still easier than teaching my new assistant my filing system i just wish we could make one last big score .  . but we could never bypass that border patrol there are other ways to get into canada thats it , a plane . smuggle drugs in a plane . thatll never work . sure it will . all we need is a pilot . ive got everything you need . katherine hepburn . no you fool . ts it i , burns . now come with me . at last . my plane should be used for its original purpose .  . to subvert the laws of the united states . looks like your plane pretty full , eh . dont wanna overload it . phfuuh . typical canadian wimpyness . thats why you have the snowballs and we had the h bomb . we really appreciate your help , johnny . is there anyway we could repay you . well , ive always wanted to see a man with the iq of the child executed by the state , we dont get that up here really . in america , we do it times a week . you come on down , ill get us front row seats . id liked that . were losing altituted . time to dump all unecessary weight . what . do not dump me out . i can lose weight . just give me a chance . aah , id rather die its no use . weve got to make an emergency landing . well , at least we all in this together . now , we have parachutes . this ones for me .  . and these two are gifts for my nephews . tally ho . homer , are you sure you can make it . ill make it dad . with a wing and a prayer . damned it . alright . youre under arrest . on what charged . making a police chief go , daaaa . get in the car , and dont touch those guns . i just loaded them . youll have to arrest me too abe simpson brought the prepichere to keep grass on willies field . he cured my limbago , thankyouuu . my diaper rash . my glavionoyvien , theyre not so hurtful thanks to his lactose intolerant pills i can drink this krusty brand milkshake . terrible . well simpsons . youve helped a lot of people soo , like it says on springfield police handbook .  . if you cant beat em , join them . chief , ive been checking the handbook .  . a lot of things you said are not in there at all . yea , well look a little closer , lou . i hope im not too late . take potion . hurry . hemm , its not working . only my sour curdled breath will cook him in .  . sir , you saved my life . yes smithers , i was a stingy old fool but from now on , i will provide full benefits for all my full time employees great news , honey . mr . burns made me a freelance consultant . hey , whats this lub . springfield . see you in hell , document . all right , dad . way to build equity . now remember to eat smart , people . go for the fancy foods  dont let em fill you up with that cheap stuff . a roll , sir . screw you . oatmeal . smoked salmon shrimp crab legs . i win . thinner too thin . better luck next time , tommy  virginia beach . you ate meat . you ate meat . you ate fruit . you ate fruit . stow it , you two . stop making a scene . how rude . what do i have to do to enjoy a sunday brunch with my secret other family . ive never been so embarrassed . and the worst part is , this is brunch , so youve ruined two meals . ill see you all at lupper . why did i ever have kids . i could have written symphonies , or been shakespeare . here , homer . have a big , frosty mug of fuhgetaboutit . i wouldnt drink that . from the looks of this place , it might kill you . oh , who are you , the health inspector . yes . my god , look at this filth . i ought to close this dump down for good . but then where would i go to get away from my wife . come here , moe , you beautiful , hideous troll . guys , this is frankie from the health department . we go way back . lenny , you dont have to hide that rat . off you go , little fella . when we were kids , our dads used to get drunk and make us fight each other . my pop would buy me a malted for every tooth of moes i knocked out . that time you blinded me , he gave you a bike . that sure was a good soundin bike well , now to give this place a thorough inspection . free from infestation . check . sanitary utensils . check . food hygienically stored . only one way to find out . oh my god , hes dead . okay , which one of you guys parked in front of the hydrant . uh , look , i didnt see nothin here , okay . just a bunch of innocent guys , sitting around , none of them dead . buy yourselves a nice dinner . so , uh , mr . new guy , what do you think . is everything hunky dory there . mr . szyslak , your tavern is rife with health code violations . you gotta be kidding me . like what . for starters , the body of my predecessor is still on the floor . uh , well , ya see , trash day aint til wednesday , so chicken skins in soap dispenser cigarette butts in the air toilet on the roof im shutting you down till you fix these violations . oh , man , i cant afford to fix all that stuff . aw , nuts . if anybody needs me , ill be in the john . oh , danny boy , the pipes , the pipes are calling from glen to glen and down the mountainside the summers gone and all the roses falling tis you , tis you must go and i must bide . moes , a tribute . m is for moe , the owner of moes . o is for the o in the middle of moes . e is for acceptance . the feeling i always got here at moes . oh , moe . dont let them close you down . its too late . i dont have the cash to clean up the bar . from now on , you guys are just going to have to do your drinking across the street . hey , a beers a beer . i cant go to a gay bar  im too fat . moe , im going to help you reopen your bar , no matter what it takes . mr . simpson , for a loan this big , youll have to put up your house as collateral . put up my house . but i just paid it off . what would marge say . do whatever you have to do to save moes . i love my homie . okay , honey , ill do it . whats going on here . nothing . nothing . thanks , homer . no ones ever trusted me before  except for that one guy who shouldnt have . that was me . oh , yeah . homer , those kookoo birds at the bank goofed up and sent us a mortgage statement . marge . how dare you open a letter addressed to both of us . mj . this is a new loan tracking number . you got a new mortgage . i had to . or moes would stay closed forever . you gave the money to moe . hows he going to pay us back . look , . i can see youre upset . if you need me , ill be at moes . well , maybe ill go to moes , too , seeing as im now part owner . marge , you cant go with me to moes . i mean , how would you like it if i came with you to your mothers . i would like it . you never come to my mothers . thats because i hate her . until you pay us back , youre answering to me . and theres going to be big changes . now wait just a minute . one thing moe szyslak has never had is a partner . nor a wife , a friend , a chum , a casual acquaintance , a pen pal , a parrot , a meaningful conversation , a brief hug or eye contact . im just going to call the suicide hotline now . and theyve blocked my number . oh , god . just made it . quittin time . boy , i cant wait to get my lips around an ice cold marge . im here protecting our investment . id like you to go home and make dinner for the kids . but i dont wanna take care of the kids . how many cigars are they allowed to have . bart sleeps in the microwave , right . quit playing dumb . how many magic beans should i sell the baby for . three . thats me , jerk ass homer . come on , go home . maybe some cheerier paint would make this place less of a dive . marge , my customers dont like themselves . therefore , they seek the darkness . well as fabulous as your regulars are , a remodel might bring in a higher class of lush . look , i like moes the way it is , all right . and i aint changin it for any dame , skirt , susie q or face macer . i had a feeling youd say that , so i prepared something that might help you change your tune . this place is a diamond , but its trapped in the rough yeah , well , the sign still says moes so enough of your guff heres my new idea to sell both beer and grub we will turn this filthy dive into a proper old time british pub a british whaaa . darts and meat pies and lager in pint glasses what a classy way to get drunk off your asses hey , hold the phone . an english pub  that just might work . in song my bar could be british instead of arm pittish, , so why dont we all eh , screw it . lets get renovatin . well , i was thinking more like drapes and a paint job , but your ideas good , too . thanks . pint of ale , my dear . well thank you , your honor . you know , youre kind of sexy . thats a deliberate mis statement of fact . but ill allow it . my first credit card . wow , the numbers are all bumpy like . so , mr . boswell , what do you think of the new moes . marge simpson and moe szyslak , heres a mash note to your bangers  i wish you could live in me forever . thanks , uh , freakazoid . id just like to say that theres one person to whom i really owe my newfound success  marge simpson . thanks , moe . dad , moms spending more time at moes than you are . and they seem awfully chummy . just what are you inferring . im not inferring anything . you infer . i imply . whew , thats a relief . boy , what a night . moe showed me how to give someone the bums rush . here , watch . get lost , rummy . ah , yes , detroit style . very nice . so , youve been at moes every night this week . i know , i used to think of moe as a scabby , dead eyed hunchback , but now that ive gotten to know him , we kind of bonded . bonded .  . how many times . homer , moe and i are just work friends . you and i are marriage friends . thanks , honey . my mind is completely at ease . hey , its me . moe . whats up , partner . marge , sorry to call you so late , but i had a great idea  put cutesy signs outside the restrooms that say dukes and dames instead of the ones we have now that say standups and sitdowns . huh . tell me honestly  what do you think . oh , thats a great idea . thanks . wait , are you sure im not interruptin anything . of course not . im in bed with homer . also , i want to go with the green well , i might as well use this pucker for something . coming this summer from dreamworks cards . the game of their lives . i dont wanna be a three . i wanna be a seven . shut up , kid . youre as crazy as an eight , im telling you . with eddie murphy as the jack of clubs . you dont understand , officer . i thought that king was a queen . this summer , the house is full , and the deuces are wild . in cards . hey , jack , you got any twos . you cant handle the twos . oh , marge , dont you love it when our hands meet in the popcorn tub . hey , marge . howdy , partner . why dont you sit next to us . hey , moe . how do you know about that . oh , marge told me . we share everything . you do . dont worry . theyre just friends . theres nothing physical between them . homer , can you hold my wedding ring for a second . my fingers itchy . uh oh . im gonna have to work on my marriage . or alternatively something wrong , homer . well , im worried about marge and moe . theyve developed an intimate bond of thoughts and feelings completely separate from me . but its not physical . so everythings great , right . homer , its time you learned the sad truth . can i learn it at a happy place . moe and marge are having an emotional affair . although theres no physical intimacy , theres a deep spiritual connection that threatens to destroy your marriage . what do i do .  . engage her feelings , become a friend . oh , get her a life magazine from the week she was born . ill always treasure mine . youre absolutely right . stop this ride . youre the boss . i want to go again , daddy . daddy . marge , my darling . thank god youre home . ive been dying to hear your feelings . oh , im too tired to talk . well , i can go all night , baby . i could listen to you two , maybe three times . homie , im tired . i have to get up early to catch my flight . catch your flight . moe and i are going to the tavern and restaurant owners convention in aruba this weekend . dont you ever listen to me . i told you ten times . cuckold . cuckold . cuckold . whats a cuckold . wheres mom going with uncle moe . hes only your emotional uncle . im your real uncle . well , if hollywood movies have taught us anything , its that troubled relationships can be completely patched up by a mad dash to the airport . im off . folks , welcome to no frills airlines flight to aruba . safety instructions are two dollars . if you require wheelchair assistance , you picked the wrong airline . uh , you know , marge , ive really enjoyed you working at the bar . me , too , moe . what a nice surprise that weve become friends . yeah . oh , marge , im so in love with you . and tonight , after some surf n turf and a bottle of champagne , maybe some snickers pie , ill explain how the hotel ill explain how the hotel made a little mistake and we got to stay in the same room . moe , your upper lip is trembling . oh , im just excited because theyre showing an episode of boy meets world on this flight . oh no , wait . thats only on flights from europe . we just get that little plane . hey , wait a minute . what the hell is that . hang on , marge . homies coming . i wont let that man make you happy . simpson , you were going a hundred in a zone , and youre not gonna flirt your way outta this one . but i have to get to the airport to save my marriage . really . well , why didnt you say so . lets roll . you didnt work this hard to save my marriage . again with that . wake up , lou . she was way out of your league . flight attendants , prepare for takeoff . time for some shuba duba in aruba . oh , my god . moe , did you see something troubling on the tarmac . no . why do you say that . you got to get me closer , chief . anything for love . okay , time to chase this pig into the sty . uh , marge , you deserve a man who listens to you , who respects you , who understands what a treasure you really are . i dont know what to say . just say you love me , marge . love me like i love you . please . marge . that sounds like homer . no it isnt . i dont hear nothin . youre crazy . get outta here . will you marry me . homer . howd you get in here . toilet hole . you leave my wife alone . you dont deserve her . you know nothing about marge . whats her favorite food . ice . wrong . its buttered noodles . hes right . oh , its true . i dont know marge at all . ill just go home now . shut it . shut it . moe , youve won . ill see you at baggage claim . hot damn , i won . marge , i swear ill be the best man you ever had . its gonna be all flowers and back rubs and how was your day , dear . and moe . no , i dont love you . and im certainly not going to leave my husband . you mean i listened to all your touchy feely yip yap for nothing . im afraid so . at least i had a couple of sips from your coke when you went to the bathroom . homie marge , i just want to say , if you ever feel like cheating on moe , heres my card . homer , i made a vow on our wedding day to stay by you , for better or worse . and besides , i love you . youre my homie womie romie domie . and youre my margie wargie fargie gargie . i may have dodged a bullet here . might as well face it , ill never find anyone . come on tide , take me with ya . i just dont want to feel no more pain . moe , i need to tell you something . you showed me you could be a really sweet guy . you can make a woman very happy someday . for realsies . its true . youd be quite a catch if youd just shower and shave and stop swearing under your breath . aw , thanks , marge . know it bitch . oh , uh , did i mention there was a mistake at the front desk . really . is it one that will change the sleeping arrangements . could be . could be . listen , i got to tell you , i chew in my sleep . yeah , well , i sweat blood . good night , both of you . whos watching the kids . are you sure mom and dad want us to enter a european balloon race . sure . why not . springfield . oh , the prid is gone . this whole place is disgusting . i agree . arent you that crazy cat lady . yes , i am . but thanks to this psychoactive medication , i enjoy brief moments of lucidity . those are just reeses pieces . i know how to save this park . im gonna organize a charity carnival . uh , mom . looks like someone beat you to it . god , that junior league burns me up . step right up , and bid on items donated by local businesses . oh , ive only got a hundred dollars . i better bid shrewdly . first up is this video camera . one hundred dollars . and cents . sold . damn it . i never win anything . oh , heres something im good at . yes . check it out , fat wad . im better than you , and im only ten . fat wad . i love it . easy gentle ay carumba . im number one . i beat my son . victory is mine , so kiss my behind . in your face . my son flips frogs like a girl . yeah . a boo, , your daddy . homer , do fries come with that shake . sure do . im happy . he makes me look cool . and cool i am not . may i upload your footage onto my web site . well , sir , i dont believe weve ever met . my name is jeff albertson , but everyone calls me comic book guy . well , ill just call you friend . heres your tape friend . what should we click on next . boxer shot by wife . beauty pageant diarrhea . heres a new one big ass baryshnikov . now to send this spaz around the world . stupid internet whole world laughing at me look at the american computer monkey . dance a, , monkey , dance . basta , . take a my picture with the internet marmaluke a . the internet wasnt created for mockery . it was supposed to help researchers at different universities share data sets . it was . hello , im deion overstreet . the running back for the san antonio cow skulls .  . five time rushing leader , two time mvp and star of a disney channel movie . i played the gentle giant , stay off . i know why youre here . you wanna see me humiliate myself with my stupid dance . well , fine . wrong . sidestep , shuffle i wanna buy the rights to that dance for . woo hoo . but why . my workman like touchdowns never make the highlight reel . but if i add your shameless shenanigans , ill be on espn every night . you wanna do my dance after you score . you damn straight , and ill buy any other dances youve got , too . l is for loser which describes you , sir dont try to stop me just enjoy the view , sir . the view , sir . then show ass . got it . honey , i bet youre wondering why daddys not at work again . the answer may surprise you . i have a new job choreographing end zone dances for a professional football player . looks like all youre teaching is obnoxiousness and poor sportsmanship . dont forget showboating . thats the cornerstone of my pyramid of success . oh , i forgot crotch grabbing . thatll be the sun . grandpa , will you take me fishin . sorry , jimmy , your grandma and i are going to go have old people sex . thank you , jammitin . oh , theres nothing but filth on tv . but with this new video camera , we can make our own entertainment . now boys , were gonna film the worlds first and , some would say , best murder mystery  the story of cain and abel . daddy , if cain and abel were adam and eves only children , how did they make more babies . did they make babies with their mother . or with each other . your mouth is hopin for a soapin , boy . now stop asking silly questions and go kill your brother . after you prance across the goal line , you hurl the other teams mascot to the ground and drive your cleats into his neck . youre going down , you potato eatin pansy . homer , are you sure we arent crossing a line here . i happen to know that the person inside that leprechaun suit is a single mother . deion , this is timmy thomas . he has timmy thomas disease . mr . overstweet , could you do an obnoxious end zone dance for me today . pweeease . how you like me now . yello . homer , this is lebron james . the fans love my dunks , but they hate my dancing . i think i can fit you in . lets see lenny , can i move you from wednesday at noon to sunday at . homer , you know thats when i play with neighborhood dogs . all right , all right , ill work it out . aw , you guys are what its all about . reverend , thanks for turning the church into a he without cineplex . what the oh , i get it . boys , i just talked to god . hes vacuuming heaven to get it ready for when dead people show up , and hed like you both to render a sacrifice . i shall sacrifice my finest grains and livestock . behold , i have found favor with the lord . so shall my knife find favor with thy belly . now i must bury my son , while you wander the earth forever with the mark of evil upon your face . ned , your film was a masterpiece . it turned me from an atheist to a hurray theist . sir , you have revealed to me a world of faith , beyond the world of science . i would pay to see it again and again and again and again , but not six times . i also would pay to see it again . me , too . heres some guys wallet . i am that guy . smithers , we could make a fortune with these bible pictures . and ive been looking for a way to launder the money i made selling club soda as flu vaccine . everyone seemed so happy , but im surprised at ned . he left out all the good times cain and abel had when they were growing up . hes just being true to the bible , which is pretty violent . and sexy . king david stole someone elses wife , mary magdalene was a hooker bart . how do you know these things . its all in this book . welcome to the homer simpson showboating academy . today were working on poor sportsmanship . first , i want you to hurl a ball at the nearest authority figure . nicely done . oh , my god . its my hero , michelle kwan . you remind me of a young dorothy hamill . i didnt know you could talk . lisa , could you pass the salad . and its james with the steal . who wants to help me clear the table . im sorry , but i do not understand english . wait a second . ive read that you speak excellent english . shut up , kid . i got a good thing going here . oh , my . neds next movie seems even bloodier than the last one . now , theres no need to actually whip him . we can put the sound in later . no . as your financial backer , i insist upon reality . pharaoh didnt put the sound in later . but whod know the difference . the people being whipped . hey , lovejoy , you could take a lesson from flanders  you know , inject your services with a little razzle dazzle . oh , i already do , if by razzle you mean piety and by dazzle you mean scriptural accuracy . what a tool . im richer than you . look out , jonah . its a whale . the only just solution is to cut the baby in half . wait a minute . i killed a baby . im a monster . i cant take any more . ned , theres more to the bible than blood and gore . i guess youd rather see a film about a liberal european wizard school or the latest sexcapade of miss ashley judd . well , i dont like this movie , and im going to boycott your financier , mr . burns . oh , really . and what will you use instead of nuclear power . solar . hydroelectric . a mix of conservation and wind . who told you about those . a talking tree in a commercial . well , i know when ive been licked . sorry , ned . this movie will never be seen again . dis embroider the crew jackets . we can still send them back . welcome to jock center . tonight , the clipper and the stripper , a jones thats chipper , and did joe torre shoot flipper . but first , professional sports continues its downward march into the gutter . this is either about me or steroids . thanks to professional jerk ass homer simpson , athletes are now taunting and boasting just to get on our highlight reel . disgusting now , heres our highlight reel . art comes from pain . your pain . beware the wrath of kwan . everyone sucks but me . oh , yeah , cheer for tom . give all your love to tom . im the worst thing to happen to sports since fox . master , you are truly a fool . homer simpson , we work for the commissioner of football , and he wants to see you . i want to see him , too . maybe he can tell me how to get this off . it soaked through to the other side . the commissioners in here with all the owners . homer , we think youre fabulous . since the players began your rowdy rump shaking, , our ratings are up . plus , were making millions in player fines , which im going to use to bankroll a musical about the j . geils band . thats right , j . geils . heres why we called you in we want you to produce this years super bowl halftime show . wow . at last , my pathetic little life has a meaning . you suckers . i wouldve done it for free . fine , do it for free . damn it . well , ill still do it . suckers . i wouldve paid you . fine , pay us . oh , damn it . will you take a check . no . damn it . the super bowl halftime show . from its humble origins in super bowl i to the marriage of pacman and ms . pacman in super bowl xvi i now pronounce you pacman and wife . oh , every single super bowl halftime show has been great oh , homie , dont worry . im sure youll come up with a great idea . i dont know . its a lot of pressure . do many people watch the super bowl . billions . were ready for rehearsal , mr . simpson . so , what do we do . oh , man , i have no idea what im doing . i wonder if other super bowl producers waited till in the morning the night before to plan their halftime shows . a church . maybe the homeless people sleeping on the floor will have some ideas . flanders . well , i guess youve got some late night problems , too . yeah . i made a great film , but im having trouble getting it out there . im like michael moore , except im skinny , my jeans are washed , and god loves me . i just wish i could find some way to spread my message . have you tried checking the oil filter . are you even listening to me .  . sure , id be happy to tell you my problem . ive got a venue the whole world will be watching , and nothing to fill it with . wait a minute . youve got a medium , and ive got a message . maybe god brought us together for a reason . yeah . you help me , and i , in turn , am helped by you . and so , ladies and gentlemen , we have come to the start of super bowl xxxix . this brand new million stadium was completed just one short week ago , and its scheduled for demolition early next month . americas priorities are a joke . now , heres the kickoff . wow , all these people are going to see dads show . oh , i paid a thousand dollars for this seat , and i cant even see the game . just poke through . and thats the gun . we head into halftime with the thrilling score of to . but dont stop watching . in the second half , points count double . and now the eagerly awaited super bowl halftime show sponsored by the new ford pickups , citibank and moes tavern . how could you afford this . i hustled a lot of pool . uh , hey , you want to play . i got to warn you , i aint that good . all right sucker . whos the sucker now , huh . time for homers halftime show . get ready , frank . frank went to the mens room . im joe . we now take you back through the ages to a time before tv , before cowboys , before dinosaurs the time of the bible . the children of god once lived according to their fathers laws , but then a shadow of wickedness fell across the land , as represented by this cloud of white pesticide . but there was one righteous man noah . o , mighty god , send a flood to destroy this wickedness . hey , do you guys think homers mad at me . i waved at him in the parking lot , and he stared right through me . i left the peoples republic for this . yo , michelle , you got a boyfriend . not in here , i dont . after days and nights , the rains stopped , and noah sent forth a single dove so god blessed noah and his sons and said to them , never again shall there be a flood to destroy the earth . i set my rainbow in the cloud , and it shall be a sign of the covenant between god and man . thank you . all over america today , viewers were outraged by the super bowl halftime shows blatant display of religion and decency . you try to raise your kids as secular humanists , but these showbiz types keep shoving religion down our throats . mommy , why wasnt i baptized . you see . you see . i thought america was hungry for meaning . i shouldve just sent a crocodile into space like i originally planned . homie , i think you did great , and to celebrate , i made omelets from the eggs people threw at our house . dig in , everybody . omelets for dinner . this is the best day of my life . really . didnt you just sign a million contract . that was a good day , too . welcome to the homer simpson showboating academy . today , were working on poor sportsmanship . but i like to stand for good sportsmanship . quiet , you . yes , sir . captioned by access . wgbh . springfield . go , seminoles . cover the point spread . heres the play that will determine the game . stay tuned for sitcom sunday . wheres the remote . this is not a drill , people . hmm , the tv changes channels every time the dog barks . we return to mel gibsons the salad of the christ on christian carrot theater . i think he swallowed the remote . barf for your master . lousy american made dog . why must i be so voluptuous . oh , time to make you pretty . how do i look . yo , . here now the nizzews . the top artists in hip hop are coming to springfield . this all star concert , dubbed murder life , features da glock pointaz , romeo smoov , queen booty shaykah , m . c . champagne millionaire , and assault weapons magazines man of the year , alcatraaaz . alcatraaaz is wide spread . im talkin da junk . just what we need  another lame suburban kid who loves rap . so . you like the blues . yes , but the blues are unpopular . man , are you illin . rappers stopped saying illin years ago . im keepin it real . they stopped saying keepin it real three years ago . mom , lisas dissin me . dissin . do rappers still say that . dad , can i go to a rap concert . tickets are . go to hell . okay , what if i pay for it myself . fine , go nuts . i love you , dad . i love you too , jerry . baggy britches . loose laced gym shoes . are you going to a rap performance . hell , yeah . im representin at murder life , know what im sayin . all too well . rap music belongs in the rubbish bin . it encourages punching , boastfulness , and rudeness to hos . step off , mom . rap is the poetry of the streets . well , you are not going to any concert that promulgates stink talk . but dad already said i could go . oh , did he . homer , you tell your son a rap show is not a safe place for a ten year . son , your mother makes a very loud point . but you said i could go if i paid for the ticket . boy , let me explain the situation in terms youll understand . you did it on the straight got your dads permission but your mom dropped a bomb so i flipped my position dont argue with marge , i know whats best the only rap in this crib keeps sandwiches fresh fr fresh for mommys baby boy baby boy , baby boy ba ba boy . dad , you completely sold me out . well , i paid for this ticket . that makes me an adult . im going . i love you , krusty wusty . every miner er and stone cold conniver stakes a claim on my tongue to pan my saliva make the hos drop they clothes like they lady godiva . yo , cuz , put down my mike less you know how to use it this is old school not preschool so dont dr . seuss it . dont critique my technique im no geek , i make the principal nervous my friends can confirm this ill bust a spitwad in your epidermis oh , no he didnt . you can trace my remorse to its supersized source a hungry , hypocrite named homer , of course my old mans pathetic damn , is his head thick the gas from his ass is carcinogenic every day i pray his dna aint genetic . damn , this ride is pimped out . yo , downstairs i got a wax museum of famous movie monsters . check it out if you want to get your fright on . jeepers , its cent . yo , b , i heard you throw down on stage . wanna join my world tour . sorry , fiddy . i have school tomorrow . youre right  the more you know , the further youll go . and thats one to grow on . does that count as community service . no . aight , take me to the park . well pick up some dog poo . yes , sir . here you go , you little yellow cracker . now lets go murder our enemies . peace . barts gone . i checked everywhere . that little sneak disobeyed us and went to that hip hop festival . if thats true , hes gonna be like nwa  not without ass welts . well , time to face my punishment like a man . or lie my way out of it like a kid . a flying rock . call a geologist . we have kidnapped your son . follow instructions , and bart will not be harmed . follow instructions . hes doomed . thisll be the worst thanksgiving dinner ever . thanksgivings not for months . the bad news keeps on coming . tragedy climbed a ladder last night as year old bart simpson was snatch from his bed . his chocolate milk dreams cut short by kidnapping themes . mrs simpson , is the pain so unbearable you wish your son had never been born . what a horrible thing to say to a mother . perhaps reading this message aloud will comfort you its win a hawaan getaway week on channel . so , mail in those pineapple stickers today . aloha means one entry per person . i will find bart simpson . clancy wiggum is on the case . chief , seriously . shouldnt we just plan for the funeral . hey , i crack cases all the time . like the case of the symphony conductor who murdered his star cellist . that was an episode of columbo , chief . they show you who the bad guy is at the beginning of each one . yeah , but you have to remember . this is no fun without bart . he used to watch me while i did this . i still do . bart . are the kidnappers after you . well , some kidnappers might be after me . its a big world . but in this case , i faked the whole thing . why , are you mad at me . no , its not about you . ah , its never about me . look , i need a place to hide out till the heat is off . in my dads apartment , the heat is always off . he made a coat out of all my stuffed animals . you can hide out in my room . my dad wont know cause hes at work . shoo . get out of here . these arent your soybeans . wigum sleeps through riot top cop surrenders to backfiring car firemen rescue police chief from tree commission wiggum sucks wow , i should have read these headlines a long time ago . together , they really paint a picture of failure . and now my only friend is the bottle . rise and shine , chief wiggum . this pity party is over . wha officer down huh . barney fife . y e spells you got it , buster . and im here to tell you the feelings youre having are common for every brother of the badge . my fat grew over my badge . aw , sour mash . its time for you to roll up your sleeves and get the old crime sniffer out on the street . youre right . ive gotta buckle down and do some police work . now thats the can do attitude that puts dudes in the can . well , im wanted back on the set . set . are you the character or the actor who plays him . now i must go wait a minute , now youre a ghost . avenge me . hello . this is the kidnapper . do what i say and bart wont get hurt . oh , yeah . send a finger wrapped in todays paper to prove you have him . homer . i know what im doing . you can use any section of the paper . except metro . its a big snooze . please give me back my boy . i just want to tell him i love him one more time . mom , its me . dont cry , im okay . the kidnappers say if you worry too much theyll kill me . uh , no , i mean okay , you made your point . gotta go . all right , boys . lets get this tape back to the lab for analysis . we have a lab . yeah , its that room we keep the christmas decorations in . no , i mean what is that noise in the background . maybe i can isolate it . i know ive heard that noise before . think , clancy , think . hail falling on a tin roof . no . thats it . stovetop popcorn . and it sounds like my favorite brand chintzy pop . eddie , lou were going to the kwik e . you already sent us there twice today . nah , that was for snacks . this timeits not personal . i need the name of everyone who buys chintzy pop popcorn . oh , chintzy pop is the worst legal popcorn . many of the kernels are baby teeth . there are only two idiots cheap enough to buy this crap . you and oh , baby , is there anything better than video poker and chintzy pop . im looking at an inside straight . some day ill hear the winning music . some day . drop the corn , tightey whitey . what . i didnt do anything . well let a judge be the judge of that . yo , chief , we found the kid . for once i did everything right . whats going on . i didnt know he was here . i swear . is milhouses dad gonna be in trouble . hes not really a bad guy . theres no need for you to defend your captor , bratty hearst . were putting you in a dirty little cell . not as small and dirty as this apartment , but you know , its still pretty bad . bart , im so glad youre okay . taking your tombstone back to the store will be the happiest thing ive ever done . caramba . wiggum recue boy no , really chief , were sorry we didnt have faith in you . and im sorry i wrote those letters to calling for your ouster . youre worried in west springfield . not any more , chief . not any more . keep those rose petals coming . i almost stepped on regular ground back there . bart , two , three , four . you put my dad in jail , flip , spin , twirl . milhouse , if you tell anyone , ill tell the world you wet your pants watching harry potter . i wasnt scared , i was just peeing . look , if you tell what i did , ill get in trouble . you gotta do something . i want my dad back . youve got the perfect build for a suit boys , even though ive been made police commissioner , dont think ive forgotten you . lou , youre promoted to chief of police . sweet . eddie , youre promoted to lou . nice . whos gonna be eddie . we dont need an eddie . commissioner wiggum , i need to confess something . is it that youre proud of me . i lied about being kidnapped . the whole thing was a hoax . a hoax . a hoax .  . bart , please , you cant take this away from me . how would i explain it to ralphie . that kid cant understand where the world goes when you close the drapes . but what about milhouses dad . this is the best thing that ever happened to that loser . women love famous felons . kirk , you are so dangerous and misunderstood . youve kidnapped my heart . i love the way ive heard of you . so bart , as you can see , from what i just said , everyone is a winner here . a shirt from that rap concert . bart mustve gone to the show . but that means bart was never kidnapped . lisa , im very glad you brought me this . ill see that it gets to the proper authorities . dad .  . why did you do that . hollywood producers have paid me a fortune , which ive already lost , for the rights to barts story . so i have to destroy anything that proves that storys not true . why did you burn up your shirt . what shirt . i dont see any shirt . burn , truth , burn . burn , truth , burn . so you see , principal skinner , thats why i had to come to you . wait , why did your father burn his pants . it doesnt matter . the point is , only with your help can i expose barts lies . a chance to bring down bart simpson . our schools second most wanted criminal after the mysterious el barto . sign me up . boys , let me tell ya . now that im commissioner , the shaves are hotter , the steaks are thicker and ive got my own private bathroom , so lou here wont be using my sonic toothbrush on his rotten choppers uh , listen , commissioner . lisa simpson came by the office today , asking questions about her brothers kidnapping . questions . yes , as if she were trying to unravel a tapestry of deceit . all right , people , we got a situation here . your daughters gonna blow our whole deal sky high you leave maggie to me . no , lisa . not her . shell hunt us down relentlessly like a bloodhound mixed with a student loan officer . hey , it leave this place . i get three square meals a day and trailer time with springfields craziest chicks . hey , i got the most to lose here . i just printed up how am i going to pass all these out before she catches me . give me a call sometime . give me a call sometime . here comes the panic . people , please . the only way lisa can bust me is if she finds someone who can prove i was at that rap show . and i know just where she can find that someone . lets go cover our asses . wait , before we go , i took the liberty of making these embroidered conspiracy jackets for all of us . those jackets are beautiful . we must never wear them . mr . alcatraaaz , my name is lisa simpson and this is principal skinner . hi . would you mind showing us video footage of your last concert . no problem . ive got a plasma tv . in my shoe closet . im sharing a laugh with my new friends . homer is a fat load homer is a fat load this proves bart lied about being kidnapped . not yet . can we verify exactly what time bart was at the show . if only we had the exact date . bingo . thank you , mr . alcatraaaz . aint nothin . it is nothing . its idiomatic , biatch . all right , hand over the tape and nobody gets hurt . this is hopeless . my gun isnt even loaded . nuts . theyre gonna release that tape and our hoax will be exposed . i guess ill go back to baltimore and sell ribbon with my daddy . ribbon . get your ribbon . great for presents . why do we have to come clean . nobodys been hurt . everyones happier with the lie . the lie is love . wait just a minute . love the lie . the way i was raised , by mom , i learned the truth cant be swept under the rug . thats a very noble sentiment , lisa . but for once in your life , cant you just be cool . yeah , be cool . like us . coolee , cool . cmon , fool . be coolee , cool . yo , put away your glocks , man . yes , share with us the wisdom of the street , oh , mighty alcatraaaz . there are times in life when the truth aint black nor white , but a subtler shade of gray , yo . and when the path of justice is obscured by the fog of uncertainty , there is only one solution . house party . i dont understand . after all the corruption and deceit weve witnessed , how can everyone just party . lisa , the world is a very complicated place when you get right down to it cannonball . do you think theres a place in the hip hop world for a administrator . hell yes . but im already payin a guy for that . skinner . i order you to step off , dog . i think theyre making fun of me , but my wife is very sick . springfield . seedless melon . dont ruin the moment . oh , boy , free beer . oh , man . easy , barney . easy . remember the steps . nice try , boys . now , as the roadrunner said to the coyote , meep . oh everyone in town is wise to us . we need someone new we can prank . sweet . fresh meat . meats not sweet . its savory . hey , bean sprouts . the names howell huser . i travel the country gawkin and talkin , and i was hopin to take in your town . we can show you around if you dont mind a heapin helpin of local color . why my favorite color is local . oh . watermelon . want to plant the seeds . its seedless . radioactivity . that means its a place where we do radio activities . im happy to be exposed to that kind of radioactivity . you know , the fish here are so friendly , you can walk right up and feed them . well , howdy , little feller . i cant wait till this is over . i was thinking maybe we could visit the hospital now . perhaps a stick of gum will lighten your mood . it always has in the past . finger pain . i thought i had gum comin . that tears it . ive been smilin for shame on you , and shame on you . and shame on your whole ill mannered town . hey , that guys shaming us . my self esteem sure didnt need that . loser . get out , shamey . i dont think well be hearing from him again . so , kitchen wizard , i understand you have a book coming out . yes , its about winston churchills life between the wars . up next on the soft news network , lets hear from our own wide eyed wanderer howell huser . ive ambled and rambled across this country , and never found a town i didnt like till now , and the name of that town , is springfield . i was attacked , humiliated , and fed misleading gum . i give springfield the lowest rating ive ever given a city  a six out of ten . i hope this bad publicity doesnt affect tourism . who needs tourists . they never buy my maps to stars homes , anyway . have you read them all . okay , good . we need to bring tourism back to springfield . as usual , i will open the floor to all crazy ideas that jump to peoples minds . stronger beer . gladiator fights . poetry slam . giant rats . i have a real suggestion . why dont we legalize same sex marriage . we can attract a growing segment of the marriage market and strike a blow for civil rights . yeah , them gay guys got lots of disposable income . i can serve fancy drinks and charge ten bucks a pop . whats in a martini . gin and vermouth . and that makes a what . a martini . never heard of it , but im still in favor of that same sex marriage deal . then its settled . well legalize gay money  i mean , uh , gay marriage . i propose we also legalize gay funerals  starting with this guy . im not gay . im nothing yet . okay , now lets say i put a lean cuisine in a blender and i pour some beer on it . what do you call that . a lean cuisini . wrong . when my man and i shop for wedding downs we were mocked and shunned and pushed around but yesterday , we found a place to be gay im going to marry my harry in springfield town gay o, , its okay o . tie the knot and spend all your dough gay o, , come stay o visit our web site for further info . springfield  a place where everyone can marry . even dudes . were just off route . do not take the jefferson avenue exit . for gods sake , do not take that exit . while i have no opinion for or against your sinful lifestyles , i cannot marry two people of the same sex anymore than i can put a hamburger on a hot dog bun . now , go back to working behind the scenes in every facet of entertainment . excuse me , reverend . as long as two people love each other , i dont think god cares whether they both have the same hoo hoo or ha ha . the bible forbids same sex relations . which book . which book . the bible . but , reverend scriptural scholars disagree on the significance lovejoys an idiot . his church is giving up hot gobs of gay green . he could get bucks a couple . hey , i got to get in on this . these people have rights . the right to buy me a tv . now begins the long and spiritual journey to becoming an ordained minister . name . ho mer simp son . you are now an ordained minister . now to answer all the pop ups . oh , a talking moose wants my credit card number . thats only fair . and you , julio , take thad to be your lawful wedded life partner , in massachusetts and vermont , maybe canada  stay out of texas  as long as you both are gay . i do . it brings me great joy to unite two such loving people . photo mouse pads for sale out back . okay , whats next , adam and steve or madam and eve . homie , you married every gay couple in town . eh , what can i say . i love . well , all you can do now is wait for some other guys to turn . hmm , wheres lenny and carl . dont you push them . theyve got to work that out for themselves . oh . but im only short of . well , what about people of the opposite sex who want to get married . opposite . yechh . i mean , a man and a woman . well , maybe marriage isnt just for gays . whats that thing called when a guy is gay for a girl . straight . oh , look at me . im as straight as a one dollar bill . do you , cletus , take brandine to be wait a minute  are you two brother and sister . wes all kinda things . a new epidemic is raging through springfield , and this one didnt start with krustyburgers whatchamacarcass sandwich . im talking about an outbreak of marriage fever . reverend simpson please , kent , call me your holiness . i i cant . i just cant . homer , have we started down a slippery slope , where marriage becomes so meaningless that anyone could marry anything . oh , kent , not anything . it has to exist . or does it . well , call me old fashioned, , but i believe that marriage described in the bible if you love the bible so much , why dont you marry it . in fact , i now pronounce you and the bible man and wife . and youre the wife . hey , you owe me bucks . homer , your impulsive marriages are gonna lead to a lot of divorces . which will lead to a lot more impulsive marriages , which will put more green in the blue . the blue being my pants . im sorry , homer , but im gonna have to leave you hanging there . if i may say a word . why , were joined live now by krusty the clown . krusty . i want to clear up a misconception about the whatchamacarcass sandwich . i used non diseased meat from diseased animals . everyone does it . homie , im so proud of you . you stood up for peoples right to express love in its most perfect form , a binding legal contract . hey , saturated fats , i came to ask you a favor . let me get my belt sander . maybe i can grind the ugly off your face . very funny . i wasnt joking . im getting married , and i need you to perform the ceremony . youre getting married .  . patty , thats wonderful . so , tell , whos the lucky man . what does he do . let me guess . does he work in customer support . you can guess all night and never get it . her names veronica . but veronicas a girls name . did you know that . im marrying a woman . im gay . youre not disappointed , are you . oh , no . no , . no , im just surprised . yeah , big surprise . hey , marge , heres another bomb i like beer . so patty , youre a woman who likes women . i guess that fear i always had of you stealing homer away is unfounded . marge , id be a lot more worried about me leaving you for a sausage patty than your sister patty . next time itll be your eye . marge , did you really think i was straight . well , i guess i should have seen the signs . que sera , whatever will be will be the futures not ours to see que sera , what will be will be . you could see it from space , marge . this isnt a problem for you , is it . oh , no . no , . why would it be . i love you , i love gay marriage , so id be a super hypocrite if i didnt love your gay marriage , right . now patty , heres a veil i picked out just for you . smells like cheeseburgers . give it back . why are we dressed as sunday best simpsons for dinner with aunt patty . because shes bringing over someone very special . her fiance . is this one of those reality deals where a guy gets a million bucks for marrying aunt patty , but they have to honeymoon in a box full of snakes . son , thats the stupidest idea i ever heard . and i know exactly who would pay top dollar for it . youve reached fox . if youre pitching a show where gold digging skanks get whats coming to them , press one . if youre pitching a rip off of another networks reality show , press two . please stay on the line . your half baked ideas are all weve got . actually your aunt is marrying a very lucky woman . i thought you said aunt patty was just waiting for the right man . as opposed to you , who grabbed the first blimp that floated by . correction . the first blimp who got her pregnant . seriously dad , im worried . you should go on a diet . why you little save my place . this is my fiance , veronica . its a pleasure to meet you all . so veronica , what do you do . im a pro golfer . no surprises there . aunt patty , where did you two meet . alternative book store . ethiopian restaurant . it was so romantic  like a scene from a hollywood movie . yeah , bride of the monster . i was at the lpga ritz bitz celebrity pro am . lady golfers . i thought we played this stupid game to get away from the women . with the yak , and the spend , . am i right . hey , clown . watch out for this lady driver . are you all right . never better . ill bet thats how angels cough . ive been wearing that three wood ever since . save something for your wedding night . oh , were saving everything for our wedding night . thats what mom would want . i dont think its exactly what mom would want . marge , are you sure youre okay with this . of course . everyone should do whatever they want . take a bear to church . read a book with your feet . change your name to gooble glop . oh , i get it . you act all liberal , but you cant handle it when your sister finds love in her own locker room . marge , if you can find it in your heart to accept me for who i am , i would love to see you at the ceremony . if not , ill see you at homers funeral . which should be pretty soon . got him . what am i not invited to this time . gay wedding . but i can get you in . you can . is there an open bar . no , cash . well , i say this whole thing is against nature . so , wanna do a jigsaw puzzle tonight . selma , im getting married in an hour . i know , i know . im just having trouble getting used to the idea of being alone . dont lay that on me . you got married three times . actually , four . you see , last week disco stu just got an annulment from john paul two . boogie down . selma , well always be there for each other . i dont know about marge , though . if she doesnt show up today , i have no non identical sister . oh lord , please help me say the right words this afternoon , as i consecrate another gay union that angers you so . and please let thy holy spirit open the heart of my wife . amen . i just cant believe my sister would keep me in the dark all these years then expect complete acceptance on the day she gets married . you handsome devil . someday theyll let you and me get married . can you imagine the children . i love you , homer . i love you , too , homer the toilet seats up . but that wouldnt happen unless yeah , dude looks like a lady dude looks like a lady shes a man . looks like pattys gonna get something she didnt register for . queerly beloved , were here to join veronica and patty in matrimony . but the news isnt all good . theyve written their own vows . patty . veronica , in you i have found a soul mate . you are the perfect woman for me  truthful , honest , hiding nothing . at last i have found the yin to my yin . if anyone knows a reason why these two should not be joined , let them speak now or forever hold their peace . no . i cant let this happen . i knew it . you think everyone in the world should have a big dumb man like you . people please , can we wrap this up . its gonna rain and i gotta get the bikes in here . patty , its not what you think . veronica is a man . look at the size of that adams apple . veronica , how could you . patty , i love you , but long before we met , i disguised myself as a woman and lied my way onto the lpga tour . i can see why you lied to other golfers , caddies , fans and officials , but how could you lie to me and the sponsors . because you fell in love with me as a woman , and i didnt want to lose you . but now im asking you , not as veronica , but as the man i am  leslie robin swisher . patty , will you marry the real me . hell no , i like girls . marge , thank you for accepting me for who i am . well , i learned a lesson . just because youre a lesbian , it doesnt make you less of a bein . patty , i admire your decision . it takes courage to follow your heart and walk out on a non refundable wedding ceremony . so im gonna waive the rose petal removal fee and prorate the cake handling surcharge . oh , thanks . well , thats the end of dads wedding business . why . hey , twisted sister , you still have that jigsaw puzzle . there never was a jigsaw puzzle . i was trying to make you jealous . hey , wanna go to the airport and leave a bag unattended . it is a good way to meet security personnel . lets go . next . hurry , before she changes her mind . springfield . in a mere five hours , well be gazing at springfields most exciting glacier , springfield glacier . i hope youre all wearing glacier appropriate clothing . hey , check out my t shirt . its wicked relevant . its part of my things suck line of clothing . yes , well , while i disagree with your t shirts assertion , i do encourage anything that raises glacier awareness . busward to adventure . so , lise , ready for your trip . sure am . see ya next fall . you make those same stupid jokes every field trip . you work in the business as long as i have , youre bound to repeat yourself . see ya next fall . so , edna , i wrote up some possible discussion topics for this trip . oh , heres one . im still in love with you . discuss . seymour , ive moved on . our romance is in the history books and theres nothing worth highlighting . the skin man doesnt give up that easily . these icy roads are getting pretty gnarly . im not worried . my indemnity waivers . stop the bus . well just use the chains . i feel like im in fitzcarraldo . that movie was flawed . behold , children , the majesty of springfield glacier . crane your necks skyward to behold its icy glory . what happened to the glacier . its nearly melted . this must be due to global warming . young lady , the federal governments position on global warming is that it does not exist . the glaciers doing just fine . no , it isnt . its a lump of slush . look at it . i have a little girl just like you at home . thats where she stays  at home . oh , i just love it here . so many things , and so many things of each thing . welcome to sprawl mart . can i get you a cart or a basket . grandpa , youre a greet grater . i mean a great greeter . now look whos senile . ill take a cart . all right . darn things stuck . ill just give it a good yank . no mes . oh , dad . how ill miss your cap , your walking stick , your plaster base . im down here , you idiot . dad . wheres your base . dont worry about that . someones gotta greet the customers . ah , theyll be fine . no . theyre helpless without a greeting . look at em . make me proud . or at least less ashamed . im gonna get a glacier postcard and send it to my nana . shell be like , no way . score . im going to exchange this beach towel i bought at sequoia national park . i learned too late that it implied tumescence . ah , premodern man . if these wise warriors could speak , what would they tell us . they left a message right here . actually carved into the rock . nice work , simpson . feel free to make a rubbing . welcome to sprawl mart . pimple cream in aisle five . buenos nachos . ask about our seor discount . hey , rabbi . jesus loves ya . just kidding . son , you are on fire . a million times better than that worthless old coot you replaced . that coot happens to be my father . please continue . how would you like to be a full time sprawl mart greeter . is there a chance for advancement . no . whoo hoo . no pressure . evidence suggests that this ice age female was alone when she fell into a crevasse . dying alone , huh . terrible fate to befall any woman  ice age or modern day . seymour , i will now demonstrate how over you i am . see that man . take note of how hes not you . now watch . so , is there a mrs . park ranger johnson . no , maam . im married to the glacier . but , uh , its an open marriage . then bring it , fool . oh , for goodness sake . youve moved on , have you . well , so have i . just play along . listen , people . how can you stand there eating snacks and being children when the worlds glaciers are vanishing . we have to do something about it . glaciers are natures alarm clock , and its time for us to wake up . can there be any doubt that the culprit is greenhouse gas produced by man . the only gas is coming from lisas butt . people , please . im talking about toxic vapors . emanations . miasmas . hey , whoevers doing that , get off the frequency . were combing the woods . theres a killer loose out here . let him do it , chief . it lightens the mood . oh , my god . that used to be a face . bart . help . im sinking in the lake . you mean , youre walking on the glacier . whatever . check it out . that frog has a nerd on its butt . bart , you are the meanest , nastiest little boy that ever lived . hey , theres a dog in the next car lookin at me . hey , dog . you dont even care how upset i am . but this time , you have gone too far . what are you gonna do , tell mom and dad . theyre powerless figureheads . youll see . oh , you will see . good morning , world . eat my shorts . therell be no shorts eaten today , young man . bart simpson , this is a restraining order . from now on , you must stay at least restraining order . bull spit . no piece of paper keeps me from whaling on my sister . so , you see what happens when you dont obey your restraining order . yes , chief wiggum . and snake , do you see what happens when you kidnap the president . oh , yes , chief wiggum . and lou , do you see what happens when my coffee comes back cold . chief , you ordered an ice coffee . no , i said a nice coffee . nice . lisa , you took out a restraining order against your own brother . yes . the clerk also gave me this bench warrant for dads arrest . aw , damn it . chief , how are we supposed to live with our kids constantly separated . hey , i dont make the laws , i just something with them . look , this videotape should answer all your questions . get out of my dreams and also out of my car a guide to your restraining order hi , im gary busey . im here to explain about restraining orders . the answers to all your questions are in this video . so youve got a restraining order meet joe . last name spaghetti o . one night , joe went to a party and fell in love with a girl named mary . oh , man , ive been there . at first , joe felt discouraged , but then he remembered what his father taught him . never say die . quitters never prosper . and no means yes . the next day , mary got a restraining order against joe . now joe cant come within feet of mary . he also cant call her or burn his name in gas on her lawn . im going to let you in on a little secret . joe is me . and mary is a composite of different women and a small independent film company , all of whom couldnt deal with me , because im too real . oh , i always hoped we wouldnt be one of those restraining order families . how am i supposed to know if im feet away . dont worry , son . no ones going to make you count to . i have a more humane solution . this pole will make barts restraining order oh so to enforce . and i used my sprawl mart employee discount to buy this fancy pole cover . itll keep your pole looking great , poke after poke after poke . poke . hey , this really works . homer , why did you put the screwdriver at the end . show you what its like in the real world . bart , because of your sisters restraining order , there is no place in this school you can legally occupy without violating your order . observe . a . m . kindergarten made the bart doll . p . m . kindergarten made the lisa . the point is , were not allowed to have you in this building . well , ive never been one to break the law . so long , seymour . give me a jingle sometime . i will , but there is one place on school property that falls outside all laws of man or god . no , you dont mean . this place smells , and somethings dripping on me . the smell is manure , and the drippings manure . now turn to chapter one of math safari . but were already on chapter seven . then youll be teaching willie . dont stand so dont stand so close to me her friend are so jealous you know how bad girls get sometimes its not so easy to be the teachers pet temptation , frustration so bad it makes him cry the bus stop im afraid your arm has sustained extensive nerve damage . the only cure is this anti poking potion . oops , missed the vein . dang , missed it again . sorry , im distracted . my housekeeper is suing me for sexual harassment . she hung the mistletoe . what was i supposed to do . i like eating here with you , dad , especially without dont have a cow , man . yeah , hes all cowabunga , dude . i mean , whats that mean . nothing , i bet . oh , need more soda . homer , would you be interested in the position of executive greeter . thats been my dream ever since i heard it existed right now . what do i get . you get to work overtime without us paying you extra . i wont do it . if you dont , well ship you right back to mexico . but im a u . s . citizen . how sure of that are you . dios mio . i cant take it anymore . every time i try to relax , she ow , my neck . cant i even finish my milk . please lift this restraining order , judge harm . its poking our family apart . bart , do you have anything to say . my sister has no sense of humor . im sure you understand . its why you became a judge instead of finding a husband . i have a husband . what is he , blind and deaf . from now on , the restraining order is set at feet . thats meters . sacr bleu . sorry , boy . this is the only place thats feet from lisa but still on our property . its pretty scary out here , dad . dad . well , i bet they miss me . well , could be worse . bart , lisa went over to janeys . quick , run inside and go potty . why should i go inside . the world is my toilet now . hey , whyd you lock the door . were still inside . its a chance for you to catch up on all the work im assigning you now . ive never worked all night , never . and i worked at an all night diner for three years . i slept on the grill . see this . its the bathroom key . see you in the morning . you monster . we placed a compliance chip in the back of your neck during the company physical . thats it , mister . i am disgruntled . and up until now , i was relatively gruntled . better increase the juice . wait . i did it . i pulled it out . and with no brain damage amage amage amage . now well get all your chips out , go to the police and shut this place down . homer , we took our chips out years ago . really . then why do you still work here . weve learned to accept the things we cannot change and steal everything thats not nailed down . i hope you wont judge us harshly . ill be back for tall kitchen bags . lisa , dont you think your brothers suffered enough . mom , i dont mean to be mean , but every time i think about forgiving him , i remember all the bad things hes done to me . hes done good things for you , too . name three . he brought home your homework when you were sick . yes , but he thought that was a bad thing . lets count it anyway . he did try to cheer me up when my hamster died . homer , you forgot to eat your hot dog . mmm , hot dog . what the . i just dont understand what the problem is . okay , thats two , and thats it . if i think of another one , ill let him back in . stupid , selfish bart . like hes ever going to do another nice thing for me . hes building a me . well , i mean , its a little american primitive, , but who am i to dismiss outsider art . it shows he misses me , and this is the third thing . lise , just let me be . look in your heart . im begging you , look in your heart . bart , dont worry . im relinquishing the poke pole . what does that mean , youre sharpening it . look in your heart . im begging you . look in your heart . im not sharpening it . are you putting feces on the tip . no , im giving it up . ive realized how much i missed you , and i can see from this magnificent lisa statue that you felt the same way . when youre right , youre right . lets eat . yo , bart , were ready to torch the wicker witch of the west . jimbo , the real ones here . oh , man . this is every effigists worst nightmare . bart , you were going to burn the third nice thing youve ever done for me . well , you see , the fire represents your musical ability . oh , bart , i missed your lies . and i was kind of a pill , i guess . lisa , you just poked my feelings . im sorry , too . give me that torch . springfield . i dont see why i need a new driving license . my old ones just fine . i have serious doubts about your skill behind the wheel . you drove in with three people on your grill . at least im out doing things . do you know this baby once outraced the flying finn , paavo nurmi . turn the heater off . its boiling in here . what are you talking about . this car is cooler than guy lombardo . whats wrong with me .  . good heavens , shes some sort of female madman . hot so hot . stop that , you want wit . i might get stung by a bumbled bee . van houten blows past simpson . hes got all the right moves . and a fight breaks out . car . car what . car is the subject , but i dont know the verb . i still feel hot . sir , thank god the airbags activated . those are my lungs . selma , what you experienced was a hot flash , an early symptom of menopause . what the hell is menopause . son , menopause is when the stork that brings babies gets shot by drunken hunters . its a natural process that women of a certain age go through . and its something to be feared . right , doctor . far from it . maybe we should all take a look at this . what do you know . shes out of eggs , and if youre watching this , so are you . hello , im robert wagner  actor , smooth customer , and womens health advocate . just as the end of the day can bring great beauty , so too can the end of menstruation be a time of radiance and celebration . sure , you may experience mood swings , loss of desire , and private dryness , but dont worry . you can still do everything that you did before . everything . including having children . maam , were trying to make a video here . menopause means you cant have any more children , but it also marks a wonderful new plateau in a womans life . so lets all give menopause a round of men applause . men applause . im not saying that . so thats it . the end of the line . im never gonna have children . selma , i never realized you wanted a child so badly . i didnt want to get pregnant and lose my looks . but now im afraid ill grow old alone . what about your pet iguana , jub jub . jub jub cant take care of me when im old and sick . all he can do is eat me when im dead . dont cry , sweetie . everythings gonna be all right . come on , kids . we should go . good bye, , selma . im not dead , idiot . i know . that was for the other patients . my thingies . we now return to son of satan . everyone has a child but me . cheer up , sis . theres a dented can sale down at schwegmans . this is one problem damaged food cant solve . wow , you really are down . hey , you ever think of adoption . the adoption process . thatll end the heartbreak . that foots not dead . its just asleep . oh , hes perfect . for this little guy , im gonna give up smoking . from now on , were a skoal family . from now on , were a skoal family . is this the baby pound where i gived up my kid . cause i needs to get him back . oh , no . the birth father . i shouldnt have gived him away . seems i misheard my wife . what she said was , shes tired of having rabies . give me back my belly fruit . if you want , ill call you after brandines next litter . yeah . pass . dont give up , aunt selma . china has thousands of baby girls who need adoption . great , another job lost to a foreigner . consulate of china russias wacky neighbor madam , your adoption application is in perfect order except for one thing . you forgot to fill out the name of your husband . husband . of course . the chinese government only allows wholesome , married couples to adopt . no hen without cock . i apologize if that is a double entendre in your language . it is not in ours . dont worry . ill just write my husbands name on this form . have you ever heard of macgyver . oh yes . big star . big star . we know hes not married to you . right , . and dont forget  your husband must go with you to china to pick up the baby . all right , here i go . writing the name . excellent . you are mrs . homer simpson . he is your soul mate and lover . yes , homer simpson is my whole world . i love him . oh , i just felt a chill go through my very soul . yeah , those sloppy joes will do that . how about that selma . flying all of us to china for no apparent reason . and how about me getting off work by saying im teaching math skills to inner city youths . yes , there are many kinds of heroes . marge , when are we gonna tell homer he has to pretend to be my husband . wait till the drambuie and sleeping pills kick in . hey , look , a dragon . hello , homer . give me your peanuts , and you can fly on my back . ill give you one . oh , you are a very greedy man . the other dragons shall hear of this . hey , dragon . you fly like a girl . go , . homer , im gonna need you to do something for me when we get to china . you name it , oh , wise mountain ape . you have to pretend to be my husband . nooo . thats him  the man who broke a dragons heart . the man who broke a dragons heart homer , if you do this one small favor , it could transform selmas life . but , marge , i dont want her to be happy . okay , dont do it for her . deal . do it for me . oh . okay , ill do it . cause your sweet love is the one thing that saved my life from being an unmitigated disaster . ha ha . now were even . this is your captain . we have started our descent and will soon be landing in beijing . if you look out the left side of the aircraft , you will see our monument to warrior and spicy chicken pioneer , general gao . it makes the lincoln memorial look like crap . very good . you have passport , husband . all we need now is the sack of happinesses . when do i get my baby . in a few days . this will give you a chance to explore our nations ancient culture . and it will give me a chance to closely observe the intimate details of your married life . madame wu , these are our children , bart and lisa . yes . and this is marge , our surprisingly hot nanny . mmm . thank you , mr . simpson . dont mention it , miss october . but dont look at her passport  its different . these are the famous shaolin temple monks . they pursue spiritual peace through mastery of bare fisted murder . ive heard of these guys . you can wave your arms at them and make funny faces , and they just have to stand there and take it . homer , no , stop youre thinking of buckingham palace . what . i hope you washed your hands first . oh ho, , look at him sleeping . hes like a little angel that killed million people . yes , you are . yes , you are . the great wall of china was begun nearly years ago in order to repel barbarian invaders . with these pogo sticks , well finally make it over . all right , everyone take a break and come back monday with five fresh ideas . cant make it monday . my kid has a thing . when i was i walked into the jungle , and by i walked out . and by god , i was rich . boys , you see what i was talking about . the greatest things can happen . i finally get this play . so , mr . simpson , what do you do for a living . im a nuclear wait a minute . these guys dont know me . i could be whatever i want . im a chinese acrobat . you shall be back in the land you love soon . tomorrow , we will give you your baby . oh , my god . really . my life begins at last . that is quite an insult to your other children . we understand , maam . were pretty lousy kids . lisa , soon you will have a chinese baby sister who will surpass you academically . i dont know about that . im considered pretty smart . well , tibet was considered pretty independent . howd that work out . how dare you make light of that brutal . mind your manners , lisa . such loving discipline . maybe someday , someone will love you too , childless servant . i regret to inform you that our final stunt will not be performed . our star acrobat had an onset of outspokenness and suffered a bullet related death . this is most disillusioning . it seems our leaders are not all knowing . now i will question everything . why doesnt pearl jam ever come here .  . we need your acrobatic skills . only you can prevent this riot and save our beloved communist dictatorship . you guys are commies . then why am i seeing rudimentary free markets . just go perform that stunt . unless you are not who you claim to be . show time . i give you the great american acrobat homer simpson to attempt our most popular stunt  chair man wow . nice chair toss . good one , skinny . you guys get these chairs from regal rents . boy , youre a great stacker . hi , lisa . now , thats precarious . boy , this is easy . maybe i am the worlds greatest acrobat . usa . usa . usa . youre curing me with acupuncture . no , a porcupine snuck in while you were asleep . go on , shoo . come back in year of porcupine . which is never . id like you all to meet someone . introducing ling bouvier . selma , shes beautiful . this is homer , your daddy . without him , i wouldnt have you . she likes my eyes . homer , i do appreciate what you did . howd you like a little time with miss october . i would , but marge would kill me i mean , ohh , right . homer , of all the sneaky , dishonest things youve ever done , playing selmas husband was by far the sweetest . it wasnt easy , marge . i missed you so much . one quick snuggle . is there any other kind . fool me once , shame on you . fool me twice , shame on wu . ling , youre gonna be very happy in america , unlike everyone else there . selma bouvier , this man is not your husband . and for that , no adoption . ma ma . they took my baby . wow , the fortune cookies here really are more accurate . i am so sorry about what happened . but at least you saw what it was like to be married to me for a little while . listen , ive got a plan to get ling back . but we must be discreet . you never know where there might be a spy . yes , tell me your plan in detail , american sister . dont have cattle , dude . lets talk about this outside . hold still , homie . yeah , dad . if you dont look perfect , youll never be able to sneak in and steal ling back . you look just like a buddha statue . now , all you need is an expression of utter serenity . just think about the day you found that junior mint in your belly button . a buddha statue . we cannot leave it outside . it is bad feng shui . feng shui . i thought that was just a trick to sell crappy end tables to the west . just put this hook in his nostril and pull . ive never moved a buddha this heavy . lets cut him in chunks and worship the chunks . now lets see , which one is ling . ling . ling . if we can just get to the delta airlines gold medallion lounge , they cant get in without spending frequent flier miles . plus , we get free apple , orange and grapefruit juice . im afraid that juice is not on your tongue just yet . give the baby back . i cannot allow her to be raised by an unmarried woman . madam wu , i too work for a cruel and faceless empire the department of motor vehicles . may i talk to you bureaucrat to bureaucrat . yes . but you first must sign this form . and initial here . and here . now we must find a notary . this is wang pus time to shine . proceed . madam wu , we both love the enforcement of pointless rules . but theres a greater joy in bending the rules to help someone who thinks all hope is gone . i was this womans husband for a few days  in name only , and beer will soon obliterate that memory  but i dont think this baby could find any greater love on your planet or ours . you may not believe this , but i once was a baby myself . my father was a ping pong champion . he died when the ball got stuck in his throat . the heimlich maneuver was invented the very next day . my mother raised me alone , so i know it can be done . you may keep your baby . but you , drop the panda . but he loves me . why you little . ill endanger you . good bye, , simpsons . youll be back some day , ling . as a spoiled american teenager . somethings wrong with bart . hes acting weird . feast on my shorts , stupid father man . wait , youre not bart . close enough . american jerks are going home now we sleep for a thousand years when we wake , the world will end . david silverman here , supervising director of the simpsons , and tonight , im going to show you how to draw bart . now , we start of with a tin can , like this , and a little tuna fish can for the bottom part of his head . a little hinge of an ear , and a big sausage for a nose . two giant golf balls for eyes . now , heres a trick about the hair  its one , two , three , four , five , six , seven , eight , nine points . and , there you go . perfect barts every time . now , once youve mastered how to draw bart , you can put him in all sorts of costumes . some that he likes . some that he hates . well , thats it , my friends . thank you very much . keep watching . springfield . oh , yeah , its great . why dont we top it off by reading to old people . well , i think in these days of petro terrorists and ozone depletion , a sunday drive reeks of bio hubris . hey . hey , its krusty the clown . what do you say , krusty . what .  . cant i get a cup of coffee without doing a monkey dance for you freaks . the fishing hat means leave me alone . always nice to see him . how did dad get out of this snooze cruise . hes cleaning out the garage . i can picture it now . i cleaned out the garage and lost pounds . it seems a shame to chuck out these cross country skis . ill keep one . lets see , now . kill spiders . we dont have spiders . stupid spider . afraid of dying . what .  . spider poison is people poison .  . bart . hm , wheres the pain . there it is . a spider .  . homie . time to open the envelope i gave you . out of the way . i learned cpr while waiting for other kids to finish their math tests . compress his chest . im on it . hey . wha .  . wha happened .  . where am i .  . who put those spiders in my mouth .  . oh , thank god . hes alive . you wouldnt believe what happened to me . i tried to do what you told me to , but i dont even know what happened honey . ill try to remember near fatal booboo today really scared me . what would the kids and i do if something happened to you . dont worry , if i croak , youll marry lenny or moe . the winner will be determined by a card game i invented . i got all the rules written down up here . you keep almost dying . just look at our vacation photos . vacation , all i ever wanted vacation , had to get away vacation , meant to be spent alone homie , if you die , im gonna have three kids to take care of . i want you to buy some life insurance . please . sure . if itll give you peace of mind . but im not gonna die for many , years . i know . i just want to b mr . simpson , before we can insure you , we need to ask you some questions . have you ever had a heart attack . havent we all . strokes . none . no , wait , three . since the last one , i dont remember so good . are you a smoker . yes , i am . you dont smoke . shh . i want her to think im cool . if i sign it , still counts . my hemophilia . uninsurable .  . im not gonna worry just because homer doesnt have insurance . a lot of people dont . wifetime tv presents , from homemaker to homeless . oh , roger , i just love our present lifestyle . dont thank me . thank our many debts and obligations . honey stop kidding around . honey .  . brenda , im afraid your husband had no insurance . well , how will i feed my family . you should have thought of that before you had children with a dead man . oh , this is only based on a story . a true story . brenda . wheres your wealth . gone . along with my sanity . but im still pretty , right . right . the real brenda later went to harvard medical school .  . as a cadaver . we need to start saving . go easy on that . its got to last till youre five . budget s .  . thats right . its much less expensive than the leading clown based cereal . you just have to assemble it yourself . we saved fifty cents on that purchase . mom , why are you so worried about money . oh , were just saving for a very rainy day . you mean when the big tuna goes belly up . well , i just think we should be building a nest egg . way ahead of you , marge . i just ordered a series of tapes on saving money . they should get here soon . i paid a bundle for overnight delivery . i have a book from the library with the same information . okay , ill just hire a haulage firm to cart them away at my expense . directory assistance . no more directory assistance . its not free . well , ill get a lawyer on that . no , a whole team of lawyers , who will dine on mustard flown in from the orient . no more oriental mustard . its so embarrassing . mom is making us wear clothes from goodwill . people died in those shirts . no outside suds . im sorry , moe . marge wont let me spend any money  even counterfeit money . its my money . im the one who earns it . drinking beer out of a thermos like an animal . can you help me unload this soup from the car . there was a sale , so i bought cans . marge , your penny pinching rampage has gone too far . oh , honey , i know its not easy , but weve got to put money away . you cant enjoy money when youre dead , so why not have fun now . dont you think youve had enough fun . last year , you spent on donuts , on scalp massages , on body glitter hey , i earn that money . while you lounge around here , doing laundry and putting up drywall , im at work busting my hump . oh , please . from what i hear , you waltz in there at take a nap on the toilet , then sit around googling your own name until lunch . who told you that . you shouted it while we were making love . now , look here , mister . i pay the bills , i do the budget , and im in charge of the money . are you going to let her push you around . yeah , show that skirt whos boss , see . give us our independence , homer . yes , president franklin . i , uh , was never president . i invented some kind of stove . well , i invented a popsicle made of mountain dew . sweet . yeah , thats swell . my scrimpings . you banged . did you spend our savings on a motor home . no . i spent our savings on the down payment for a motor home . i need a castle where i can be king . well , i hope you enjoy it , your majesty , cause im not speaking to you . damn it . kids , your mother and i have decided to take a little break from each other . while we deal with our issues , i plan to go on motorhome makeover . and trick this thing out like a palace , not like that dump you live in . all i need is for someone to start a show called motorhome makeover . i see . ou were mad enough to leave our house , but not mad enough to leave our property . thats my half assed dad . hey , i couldnt leave you kids . youre like my own family . now check this place out . neat . when i sleep at dads , i call this bed . you can have it . this ones way better . thats a bread compartment . youre a bread compartment . kids . come back in the house . oh , do we have to . i melted string cheese over some corn chips . oh , boy . ive got gameboys and caramel apples . ill let you sass me . ill let you punch me . you can wear swimsuits instead of underwear . well have christmas tomorrow . welcome to the jungle we got fun n games we got everything you want honey , we know the names we are the people that can find whatever you may need free gas . well , its a pleasure to meet another sultan of the slow lane . thats my rig over there . shes a roam a silvercoach . boy , i wouldnt mind driving that to the holland , michigan tulip festival . im looking for a place to dock the beast . i dont mean you , martha . ive never loved you either . we use jokes to mask our pain at the death of our son . really . a place to dock . i got room . i have a backyard that makes my front yard look like an idiot . can i bring the rest of the convoy . are you crazy . let complete strangers live on my lawn . well , give you regional beers . its a deal . and there you have it . welcome , . if my wife asks , youre here for a boz skaggs concert . homer . what are all these recreational vehicles doing here . these are my new friends . they like me for me and my plumbing and gas hookups . young lady , i like what youre driving . is that one of them two level wander kings . this is a house . hey , boys , lets play her the rv national anthem . daddy , all the fumes are making me dizzy . well , now , roddy , the lord wouldnt let us die this way . thats right , ned . now , you three take a little nap while i make some hot chocolate . ive been everywhere , man ive been everywhere travel , ive done my share , man ive been everywhere ive been to springfield shelbyville , ogdenville cap city , ogdenberg , shelbytown spring city , capfield , west springfield paris , rome and shelbyville adjacent sing it , baby . thats a lot of places . i know another place you can go . to sleep . sorry , marge . weve got the power now , and you cant turn us off . cant turn off the power . sashay this and fancy that watch the dog dance with the cat lights out , weirdos . i was making a monte cristo sandwich when my crisper cut out . its not golden brown , its not brown , its not nothin . you dont belong on the lawn . you belong in your bed with your wife . thats no marriage bed . its a loveless slab of bossiness . well , youre not perfect either . name one way im not . you hide food in my hair . you think brushing your teeth is foreplay ill have you know i could have married sideshow mel . boy , theyre really going at it . do you think theyre gonna get divorced . no . i dont see dad doing all that paperwork . what . i seem to recall you asked me to get this fat . oh , boy . lets get out of here before dad does a bad impression of mom . im marge simpson . dont eat off the floor . i am so sick of that story about finding an onion ring in your french fries . it was years ago . that was my woodstock . you know what started all this trouble . this motor home . how can a vehicle this cool destroy a marriage that crappy . hey , i know this is a crazy idea , but hear me out . what if we take this back to the dealer . wow , i was gonna say call reverend lovejoy , but i guess this could work . oh yeah , marge . what about my womanly needs . slowly , . the rv dealer is across town under that gorilla blimp . how do you know thats their blimp . duh . its kamper kong . bob , word on the street is theres two kids trying to return an rv . return an rv .  . return an rv .  . tie me to the kong and cut its tethers . you dont take anything seriously . not even your bankruptcy hearing . hey , that judge thought i rocked . case closed . although my case is still open . if you need me , ill be in my trailer . my rv is gone . it was more than a motor home . it was a car i could go to the bathroom in . hey , a note . dear mom and dad we dont want you guys to split up , so were driving the rv back to the dealer . weve got to stop them . this is a parents worst nightmare . theyve stolen a car and theyre home alone . lets see , the rv dealership is across the freeway on the corner of this is a flintstones fun map . look dad wrote something dino  short for dinosaur . remember to ask jeeves . were on the freeway . would you look at those simpson kids . last year it was razor scooters , this year theyre driving rvs . when i was a kid , my mom would give me an empty egg carton and id pretend it was a spaceship to the moon . youll never guess what i used for astronauts . im going to say eggs . shut up . oh , my god , there they are . ive lost them . i cant see past all the suvs . dont worry about the suvs . theres a gentle curve up ahead . bart . pull over . well stop fighting , we promise . prove it . yeah , kiss and make up . were not quite there yet , but weve opened up a dialogue . not good enough . kiss . french it up , lover boy . im not a machine . i cant just turn it on . come here . now pull over . first , raise my allowance . why you little . were going downhill and i cant reach the brakes . look . runaway truck lane . were saved . ah , rats . thank god for that turkish freighter . now well just go get them and my kids are on your boat . turn back . i see no kids . and we must get these season one northern exposure dvds to kahramanmaras . help us . bring back our children , you cyprus splitting jerks . just for that , we keep your children . will you raise them christian . coptic christian . captain , wait . i have something here that might change your mind . what are you showing me . soup . if you have some noodles and tuna fish , you can make a casserole thats small on price , but big on flavor . you are a wise woman . it is a shame you dress like a lebanese prostitute . return to the docks . well , if he thinks hes getting a corner piece , forget it . wow , marge , once again , your mom ly wisdom averted disaster . and i promise i will return this rv first thing in the morning . easy water damage  cant be returned . i win again . its only money . and it did make a cool splash . marge , youre taking this pretty well . dude , she seemed tense , so we put a little hashish in her meal . cool . which came first , turkey the bird or turkey the you guys . if you dont want to say it , just think it . istanbul was constantinople now its istanbul , not constantinople been a long time gone , constantinople . now its turkish delight on a moonlit night istanbul . springfield . they have a store that just sells shoes . i feel like im in paris . the famous shelbyville theater district . can we see a play . play .  . all plays suck , all the time , and always will , and everyone knows it . look , well compromise . well go see a play that lisa doesnt want to see . lets see theres equus starring sideshow mel , the three dollar bills in gay , . song of shelbyville . from the schoolhouse where our grandparents learnt to the bad zoo where all the animals burnt were home to christian , muslim and jew although not many of the last two . theres a girl for every guy birthplace of the button fly in good ol shel bee . say , fellow shelbyvillian , enjoying our famous low humidity . ill say . the only thing lower than our humidity are the greens fees on our public golf course . which one . all three . yes . yes . why look , its springfield billy . what are you doing here in shelbyville . i came here for the legalized gambling . but springfield billy , we dont have legalized gambling here . sure you do . i saw a bumper sticker that said free tibet . theyre saying springfielders are stupid hicks . its like lookin in a mirror . whats a mirror . its a big city word for reversifyin glass . that show was hilarious . that springfield billy cracks me up . for your information , springfielders can be intelligent and articulate . i happen to know because were from springfield . springfielders .  . this is the worst crisis the springfield cultural activities board has ever faced . those shelbyvillians are maligning us all . ive never heard such mean spirited hate hoots . weve got to upgrade springfields image , show them were more than just a town thats still afraid of eclipses . god steals sun mayor offers sacrifices hey , how bout we open a fancy restaurant , and when people check their hats and coats , we steal em . why do you come to these meetings . free water . there must be something else . think , marge , think . culture vulture birds of prey pray in a church the father , son and holy ghost ghosts are scary rhymes with gehry . thats it . architect frank gehry . he could build us a concert hall like he did in los angeles . well , we could use a new hq for the springfield philharmonic . theyre playing gustav mahler in abject squalor . little help . next time were keeping it . then its agreed . we ask frank gehry to build us a concert hall . bill , bilbao bill snoopy stationery . dear mr . gehry , would you please build a concert hall for our town . we may not be the biggest city , or the prettiest , but we were the first city in america to abandon the metric system . frank gehry , youre a genius . behold the new springfield concert hall . and none of this would have happened if not for a letter i received from one little girl . i wrote that letter . you wrote i was the bestest architect in the world . well , arent you . all in favor of building a million screw you to shelbyville . get off my masterpiece , you punks . ill call your mothers . yo , frank gehry . like curvi linear forms much . hey cat , get your own pants . kids . whys the cat so fat . dad , snowballs not fat . shes just got winter fur . okay , shes fat . cant breathe someone dangle some string . im so excited . its like giving birth to a child of steel and iron . where is everybody going . the symphony , she has just started . so . we already heard the dum . the rest is just filler . i thought this was gonna be the soundtrack to the movie beethoven . was i sadly mistaken . it sounds better on my cell phone . dont leave now . the next piece is an atonal medley by philip glass . orchestra tonight tickets half price . xxx movies all day an evening with david brenner you stupid hicks . why didnt you tell me you hated classical music . we didnt have time . the concert hall was designed and built so quickly . were broke , but i have a plan . we change the name of the town to escape our creditors . i need names , people . lima , peru . gotham city . wiggumville . burger king . perhaps i can be of assistance . smithers , tear me a new drape hole . if you hand over the concert hall to me , ill assume the debt and all of your problems will disappear . the building is yours . excellent . hes turned it into a prison . prison guards wanted must know powerpoint , sadism lets see now . barely finished high school . youve challenged me to fight six times since the interview began make it seven . mr . simpson , i like the way you go nuts over nothing . now all you have to do is pass this drug test . cool , but ill never pass with this . i better switch samples . i havent seen so many drugs in a wang since i ran a chinese opium den . crack , smack , uppers , downers , outters , inners , horse tranquilizers , cow paralyzers , blue bombers , green goofers , yellow submarines , lsd mach and trace amounts of human urine . well , there must have been a mistake . my body is a temple . guards , remove this coked out man balloon from my sight . but he misread my pee . he misread my pee . were not overfeeding her . weve been giving her this low fat cat food . ill bet shes sneaking food from someplace else . lets follow her . id rather follow the dog . i think hes up to something . one thing at a time , bart . there you are , smokey . snowball ii has another family . this is worse than when we thought mom was having an affair . turned out she was just going to the library to cry . now she just bottles up her misery like a normal mom . gentlemen , my prison is losing money . we need more convicts in the dungeonarium . dungeonarium . thats catchy . uh , well , i could beef up arrests by enforcing some of these old forgotten laws . okeydokey . lets see here . uh , heres one from . its unlawful for a man to be hatless during daylight hours . if i didnt arrest you that night in the park , im not going to arrest you now . stupid prison guard jobs thinks its so big . everyone gets a prison job but me . all my best friends are guards . they think theyre so cruel and corrupt , but theyre not . okay , boys , heres a loony law from . five kicks of the same can shall be considered illegally transporting litter . thats a hard five . all units move in . were puttin you away , kicky mantle . and give that can the whole csi treatment . you know , lab tests , weird lights , shots from the cans point of view . yeah , thats it . lots of flash and no meaning . okay , new meat , youre clean . im not supposed to be new meat . im supposed to have your job . im sick of you positing an alternate reality . no frank gehry designed prison can hold me . oh , my god , that man might be hurt . guards , theres a prisoner in there . nice nab , simpson . you did the right thing squealin on that guy . squealin . no . i just wanted to help him . mm , whatever . howd you like to be a full time rat . really . you mean eat cheese , gnaw through electrical cords , things like that . not exactly . mr . burns , ive thought about it , and i dont want to be a snitch . its not an honorable life . now , there are perks . a private cell , extra dessert , and this adorable little hat . well , i am a sucker for a little hat . so , we have an agreement . well i dont know . but its the only way youll survive in here . well , i would like to survive long enough to see the effects of global warming . ive got an inside tip that its all a bunch of crap . okay , youve found your snitch . excellent . now , what have you got for me . homer simpson has become a snitch . tell me something i dont know . sometimes i go to movies alone . say , is that a gang tattoo . i thought those werent allowed . yeah , its a gang i was in as a kid . g . m . s . galactic mystery solvers . the only mystery we couldnt solve was how not to grow up . thats right  an unauthorized tattoo . i came here right away . very good . here you go . your , mother . oh , that my mother . tell him thanks . okay , tattoo man . its a month in the hole for you . solitary confinement . but without my weekly canasta , ill die . its its my raison ddre . smokey , youve got that awful smell on you again . thats the smell of her real family . the simpsons . and for your information , our walls have a bunch of dead raccoons in them , but we are saving up the money to find them . well , whatever . smokeys our cat . smokey , stay . now back . heel . snowball does tricks . sure . cmon , smokey , do your smokey shuffle . well , i dont care what you say . she still loves us more . dont you , snowball . you toyed with my heart like it was a toy heart . gentlemen , we must determine which of our fellow inmates has become the rodentus incarcerarium . you heard the boss . find the rat . i found the rat , and hes right here . i aint the rat im the pigeon . i thought you was the mole . no , youre thinking of that guy who was the canary . but we can all agree , we work in a business with a very rich lexicon . rich lexicon , very rich . a tiffanys box . and the thing inside is from tiffanys . homie , youve never done this before . howd you afford it . well , if you really must know , im a prison snitch . havent you seen what happens to people who rat in prison movies . sure , theyre on top of the world . then theres a big riot scene . then i dont know . i usually doze off . the prison snitch is killed . and that could be you . because youre the prison snitch . what are you dopes looking at . youve never seen bling bling before . what is it they have that keeps snowball coming back to their house . only one way to find out . my baby turtle crawled into your basement window . oh , you poor boy . whats your turtles name . apron boobs face . really . well , lets go find it . and whats your name . shoes butt back . theres a jailbreak tonight . how come nobody told me before . i sent you an e vite . you never responded . nice netiquette , jerk . theres gonna be a breakout tonight . very good . now , id like a little more information . are biographies arranged by author or subject . what is bart still doing in there . you forgot to take some brownies . thanks , mother dexter . ill be back tomorrow . bart , why were you in there so long . lis , that place is great . they have a jukebox in the basement . and look at the trick they taught me . are you watching . are you watching . when they come busting out , well be ready . every single guard is outside waiting for them . something dont feel right . usually when theres a jailbreak , theres electricity in the air , like the calm before a summer storm . or , right before a heavyweight fight . mines more poetic . now , where the hell are they . kill the rat . kill the rat . kill the rat . what happened to the guards .  . okay , . dont panic . maybe theyll tire themselves out with their chant . i call the balls of his feet . marge , theyre gonna kill me . i only did what i had to do to survive in a style befitting a french monarch . fly , segway , fly . weve all heard of a laugh riot , but a prison riot . kent brockman high above montgomery burns state penitentiary , where our expensive thermocam is finally being used for something . this red glow is the heat from a pack of inmates who are desperately looking for prison snitch , homer simpson  this massive blob over here  who is attempting to hide in the kitchen a good luck , blobby . kill the rat . then have snack . homer . homer , where are you . marge . how did you get in here . as president of the cultural board , i was given a key to the concert hall . theres the filthy rat were gonna kill . and his wife , who sometimes drives my son home from school . oh , you must be michaels dad . marge , cmon . well be safe in the gas chamber . i want you to look into the faces of those poor men . each one is a life you made worse with your ratting . marge , im sorry i got you into this mess . can i snitch on my heart and say i love you . oh , homie tear gas , my one weakness . you can come in , governor . well , ill make these rioters regret their folly . this prison will make abu ghraib look like the four seasons . smithers , well need electrical wire , a hood and someone who can really point at genitalia . done and done , sir . hold on a minute . governor , ive been using my powers of snitching for evil , but now i want to tattle for good . this prison is a hellhole . they feed us horse meat , with traces of jockey meat . ill have you know i buy the finest cuts of beef . the guards are sadistic and cruel . i cant help the way i am . when i was a boy , i saw my father murdered before my eyes . by me . governor , i think the only fair solution is to pardon all these thugs and murderers . well , since theres no room in the prisons you came from , im releasing you all to a garbage barge , where you will bare knuckle till one of you emerges as king of your floating hell . you know what i missed in the joint . just lying here watching you sleeping sweetly . sleeping sweetly . sleeping sweetly i wont tell if you dont tell . listen to me . this whole building is unsafe . they cut corners everywhere . people . its a deathtrap . no , dad , you fell asleep in front of the tv , watching the towering inferno . how do you know the title of my prophetic vision . springfield . oh , yeah . well , theres your girlfriend . yeah , well , you love moleman . no , you do . youre gay for moleman . youre gay for moleman . no ones gay for moleman . where are we . youre gay for moleman . bart , lisa , welcome . ive been expecting you . your gasps are appropriate , because i have perfectly predicted the future . how did you know we were coming . because , my dear , i have mastered the one true science astrology . dont you mean astronomy . no , my dear , i said astrology . for years , you see , astrology was the tampa bay devil rays of the sciences not so good . but with new , more powerful computers , astrology can show you the future . would you like to see yourselves as teenagers . no . lets go there now . feast your eyes on the wondrous world of eight years from tuesday . kids , come down for your prom photo . smile . oh , its so great . we can do anything now that scientists have invented magic . im so proud of you . lisa , graduating two years early , and , bart graduating . whatd i miss . whatd i miss . homer , were separated now . you cant just walk in without knocking . well , maybe i was partying so hard with my single friends last night , i forgot the rules . could you please stop fighting in front of us . why . is it messing you up . homer , just settle down . we just got a postcard from maggie . shes really enjoying alaska . stupid wildlife , serves em right . lisa , your dates here . hey , lisa . milhouse .  . ugh . ive been turning him down for the prom since kindergarten . uh , yes . you relented at age when he pulled you out of a house fire . which you later found out he started . you should have seen the look on your face . in fact , here it is . now , back to your teens . sorry im late , lisa . i was at the gym , totally gunning my lats . just gunning them . oh , man . the deposit on this tux was reagans . hey , everybody . bart , youre lookin crook ed . hey , jenda , how bout some forehead . that was jagged . when i was a kid we didnt show our affection by head butting . oh , marge oh , right . separated . who knew that bio engineered food would to lead to smart puke . you think youre better than me , eh , puke . so , nelson , who did you end up bringing tonight . sherri or terri . uh , it didnt seem fair to choose . welcome , seniors and sexually precocious underclassmen . id like to say good bye to those who are going off to college , or to fight in gulf war five operation find our presidents head . usa . find the head . usa . find the head . and now , heres assistant principal kearney . okay , i want a nice , clean prom . that means no booze , kick , puff , doze , maxx , stim or turb . remember , stim kills . its what turned superintendent chalmers into a vegetable . skinner . skinner . skinner . i can use the potty now . your brother is so hot . stop telling me that . oh , sorry , lisa . sink activate . i love your dress . soap activate . bart tells me you got into yale . sink terminate . yeah , even though mcdonalds owns yale now , its still a great school . and i could never afford to go there if i hadnt won the montgomery burns scholarship . oh , yeah , thats the thing he had to do as punishment for stealing christmas . yeah . i miss christmas . i dont . so , any plans after graduation . travel . do you need a traveling companion , perchance . travel canceled . whoa , look out . bart , are you sure about this limo driver you hired . i can fly . i can fly . just kidding , i know i cant fly . i can glide , though . jenda , i think were ready to go all the way . but im a little nervous . bart , dont be nervous . sex on prom night is as american as our st state saudi israelia . jenda , thats not what i meant . i love you . will you marry me . thats really sweet but marriage is a three year commitment . i mean , do you even know what youre gonna do with your life . ive got it all figured out . you can waitress while i learn to cut meat . well live in a trailer , but to avoid paying for parking , ill drive while you sleep . well never , ever stop . bart , i hate to say this , but i think i outgrew you . when . just this minute . okay , love birds . break it up . hey , this ones alone . what a loser . here , you want some chicken . just grab it with your hands , go ahead . were not fancy here . im tired of this . i want to look at a different future . kang and kodos invasion vice president cletus moe gets e mail flanders revenge maggies d . u . i . lennys super pet so thats how jenda dumped me . son , sometimes people just grow apart , like me and your mom . no , mom dumped you cause you blew all our money on this underwater house . shell realize she was a fool , when hey . come back with my patio furniture . stupid flounders . hey , ive got a great idea . well find some new lady friends . come on , boy , were hitting the town . after decompressing , of course . so what do you do to kill time in here . theres a dvd player , but it doesnt work . whyd you buy the first hover car ever made . didnt you know itd take time to work out the kinks . i know . its a hover car . what a beautiful world this will be what a glorious time to be free . all right . you guys are my new best friends . you wish , loser . plastic surgery center celebrity buttocks , nipple relocations and fluffy tails give apes the vote you wont regret it hey , moe , hey , moe clone . hiya homer . hi , homer . hey , . i dont pay you to socialize . oh , right . youre the people person . watch it with the attitude , mister . you came from my back fat . boy , i think i see my two favorite letters of the alphabet e z . you moron . why did i ever think i needed a clone . hey , im not the clone , youre the clone . oh , please , not this again . son , say hello to edna . dad , thats my fourth grade teacher . hi , mrs . k . this is sure weird , huh . want it to get weirder . i dont think so . good call , bart . we can both do better . i wish i could talk to my fourth grade self just once . id say work hard , dont be such a screw up . this time is so precious . dont waste it . bart , maybe you should listen to this . oh . now i have to start over . is that robot break dancing . no . he activated his self destruct mechanism . love can really be painful . tell me about it . i broke up with milhouse . howd he take it . what lisas problem . milhouse mother say milhouse handsome . i guess everyone in this family is doomed to wind up alone . look , if you want jenda to take you back you should show some initiative get a job . a career . no problem . i speak three languages . armpit noises are not a language . oh , yeah . look , my point is , show jenda you want to be successful and she might take you back . its never too late for love . i am so glad you think so . kids , i want you to know ive started seeing someone . hes from springfield . i think you know him . krusty the clown is dating your mom . when jenda hears about my great new career , shell definitely take me back . you missed a spot . do it again . yes , mr . gheet . im anoop , you racist cracker . bart , i need you to make a delivery to an elderly shut in . and to get there , you must go through the forbidden zone . which one . radioactive , smallpox , eternal midnight no , . the one with the uni clams . i get it . you cant tip me because your hands are tied . my dad pulls that scam all the time . dont move , teenage bart . ive got you covered with my phaser slash phone . dude , this is totally not the time to call me . i dont know . some kind of pasta . look , just get me what youre having , all right . not that . what soups do they have . blessed urchin . how can i reward you . with the diamond . no , sorry . my diamonds are going to be retro morphed into coal the most valuable substance on earth . i know . ill send you to yale with the monty burns scholarship . i cant take your scholarship . its going to my sister . it would break her heart . dont be so quick to say no . the ladies love an ivy leaguer they do . once i home invaded this princeton dude , and he was like totally married . well , i guess an intensive four year bachelor of arts program is the easiest way to get jenda back . hello , smithers . nice of you to drop by after my life was saved . sir , you knew i was on a date . mr . smithers . i thought you were you know no , im straight . as long as i take these injections every ten minutes . i love boobies . its so great that yale has finally forbidden men from taking science . now lets see , should i major in femistry or galgebra . listen , lis , ive gotta tell you something . im going to yale . what . i dont want to go to the same college as you . then ive got some great news . youre not going to yale . hey , i didnt do anything . yet . youve wrecked my life . youre gonna wreck my life . hey , marge , why are you with krusty . these kids are too old for clowns . actually , homer , im into your lady . hey , man , shes not my lady anymore . we split up , its all cool i ill kill you . once they destroy each other then we make our move . yes , we make our move . what . a spider got into the cloning machine . attention , everyone . please welcome our valedictorian , lisa simpson . she will be attending yale i mean , hot dog on a stick management camp . thats odd . you get into yale and lisa cant go anymore . hey , what can i say . i love learning . bartholomew simpson . what . come and get your diploma . why dont you mail it to your butt . bart , now that youve graduated i can finally say this you really press my cider . yo , bart , good to see youre back with jenda . hey , nelson . whats up with your girlfriends . they each had twins . listen , girls im going out for a pack of cigarettes . isnt that what your father said the day he left you . yeah . i never understood why he did it till now . im coming , papa . lisa had no right to break up with me . im not the first guy to get a nosebleed during a slow dance . id better go talk to him . well , dont take too long . i think this might be our special night . why did lisa dump me . is it because of my small calves . theyre the hardest place to add mass . cheer up , milhouse . you got your whole life ahead of you . hey , i remember when you were a nerdy little fourth grader . and now youre an emotionally crippled mini hulk . what girl wouldnt want that . do you think lisa might see that now that shes got nothing else . i guess so . time to strike while the iron is sad . all right . three hours to blast my quads . bart , whats wrong . you seem distracted . i was just thinking about milhouse and lisa . what are you thinking about now . hey , that rundown old house looks familiar . thats where doc frink used to live . i never had this problem with todd flanders . this machine lets us look into the future . wouldnt that be romantic . ill tell you what would be romantic . making love for the first time . totally . right after i fiddle with these dials and levers . you know , i was thinking of taking a poetry class at the community college . forget it . i had to sell all my marrow to pay the light bill . i didnt have much marrow . i cant let that happen . i got to go . listen , bart , if you leave me now , i can guarantee one thing about your future  i wont be in it . not going to yale isnt the end of the world . yeah , im starting to see that . no , i mean , youre screwed . your only hope is to clutch at straws . straws whove always loved you . really . really . ca can i kiss you . have you eaten onions lately . no . and its really hard cause im on an all onion diet . well okay . i guess this is my destiny . what are you doing . keeping lisa from destroying her life . come on , let her destroy it . lenny , carl , can you pull me out . sorry , were ghosts now . our spirits live in those two trees . or , maybe were alive and we just feel like jerkin you around . or maybe were one of each . look , im not taking the scholarship . youre the one who deserves to go to yale . thats so noble . but what about jenda . hey , im waiting till i find a girl who likes me for me . and you will . at the age of . you die one minute later . and my brain is put in a paupers grave . well , bart , i really appreciate what youre going to do for me . but what happens to our parents . marge , i thought youd never take me back after what i did to krusty . you mean get beaten up by him . exactly . and ill admit , it is kind of romantic under the sea . you dont know the half of it . come with me my love to the sea the sea of love i want to tell you how much i love you this sucks . i want to see vice president cletus . you want me to attend the funeral of the sultan of brunei . well , i would consider it my honor . hey , brandine , pack my evenin britches . wes goin to brunei . springfield . no enjoyement . kent brockman here with storm watch professor frink , what is the scientific explanation for this unusually severe thunderstorm . well , kent , we are exploring two theories of this quaint a either we have a supercell of high pressure fronts or b god is bowling . with the balls , and the pins and the rental shoes and the very bad cheese pizza that comes in squares krusty , whats your lighthearted take on our recent bad weather . sorry , kent . i sold all my bad weather jokes to jay moore . but i can make funny sounds on your microphone . fine . there you have it . homer , do something about this leak . do not worry marge . hot wheels to the rescue . the water flows down here through the straightway and a couple of wicked s turns around the loop of death and out the mail slot . and its the yards problem . my hamster . you know homer , ive a lot of things slide but when you cant keep a roof of your familys head youre just not much of a father . i was gonna have my classmates over for a homework party but now my refreshments are ruined . good bye , college . he was supposed to be in the show and tell this week thats not gonna happen . that teddy bear survived three safety recalls but it couldnt survive you . ow , thats it . im goin to moes . oh , its raining outside . its raining inside . lousy cat . stupid family hates homer . at least , it remains a place where i am always welcome . for hes a jolly good fellow . oh , guys . this is just what i needed . this aint for you , sweat stain . this is a surprise party for lenny drawn by his closest friends so whats stephen hawking doing here . i live here now . youre look at the new owner of the little caesars down the street . pizza , . pizza , . sorry , that buttons sticks . so why didnt you invite me . we couldnt tell you ahead of time because youll spill the beans . i wouldnt ruin a surprise for lenny . surprise . what surprise . way to go , homer . six years planning down the drain . im sorry . im just sitting over here until you stop being mad at me . ow , great , homer . i bake a cake shaped like a lennys favorite bar stool and you wrecked it . i can see , im not wanted here . homer wait , do not go . ok , beat it . who wants ass frosting . no , thanks . im on atkins . my family hates me . my stupid friends kick me out of that stupid party theyll all be sorry when i invent the world best tasting cola and share it with no one . huuh . a sign . finally , a bar for men whod like to drink and look at sexy women welcome to knockers , hon . let me know if you see anything you like . read the sign , prevert . doh . id like a beer , and a sympathetic ear . i got my own problems . i just lost this eye last night . how did it ever come to this . i am the first man to ever feel depressed in a bar . i dont have a friend in the world . look at the size of that nacho plate . i havent seen this much melted cheese since i left my billy joel albums out in the sun . a sun . hey , wanna split this . wow , its been so long since i been with someone who doesnt know how selfish pig i am . mine . move your hand . i get this . hey , my names ray . ray magini . ray , you know me better than anyone , how can i get my wife to love me again . beats me im no marriage counselor . just a licensed and bonded roofer ray , will you help me fix my roof . sure , ill help ya . on one condition . you gotta help me finish this pitch of beer . wait . did i got it right . now , for my first act as president deal . to my new buddy . now all we need is an awesome theme song . one that replace that thong in the juke box . deal . do that to me one more time once is never enough next song . yes , thats what i meant . yea , absolutely . homer , i woke to find an owl eating a mouse on the pillow next to me . i think thats mean its weeks till autumn it means youll have to fix the roof . dont worry honey . i found us a roofer last nite and youll never guess where knockers on route . how did you know . im phsycic . look . i do not know if i want a roofer who hangs at the bars . oh . youre right marge . i guess i should look a roofers at poetries slams and yoga retreats high five . naah . i got standards i dont hand out hi five like chicklets . ray would hi five me well , he better hi five our roof . yeah , mom . zing . doh . come on kids , were gonna visit grandpa then were gonna take the dog to the v e then take bart to get c i ill tell you what it means when its over . hey , homer . oh , ray . you came at the agreed upon time . thats what i like about you , homer . everything impresses you . impresses , what a big word . im gonna look that up . aah . this is gonna take some work . tell me , was the roof was in good condition when you bought the house . i didnt really checked . i mainly bought this house for the view . someday that bowl will overflow and ill be there . ok kids .  . we only have time for quick visit to grandpa so as soon as he feels loved were outta there . hehm , he mustve smelled left overs . please , we call them senior citizens . oh , look . a dog . what a nice surprise . im gonna pet you raw . can we keep your dog . please . keep my dog . until when . not too long , just till we die . well , he does seem happy here also , gendertatology studies have domenstrated that animal companion can slow the envitably decline yeah , okay , thank you . why dont you find a parade and rain on it . sorry about that pal . no problem . accidents happen . one , two , three , four . i declare a nail war . thats why i got into roofing . homer . ned , you okay . yes , but my mower cant get much lower i was wrong . this is ned flanders . there is one in every neighborhood . sorry , man . i gotta go . it said that my kid attempted something well i hate the way these things cut off . goodbye , ray . bye . oouw , he turned the corner . no , i see him again . homer . you drooling on my goodwill pile and why is the hole in the roof is even bigger . do not worry . ray will be back any minute its after . hes not comin back . hes a lousy roofer and a flake . hey , watch what you say about him . i think ray could be the one . the one what . my new best friend . we think alike , we act alike , we finish each others sandwiches i dont wanna hear anymore about ray tomorrow morning you buy some shingles and fix that roof yourself . rays not gonna like that . youre not married to ray . well if i was , we have taller kids . im sure everyones happier with santas little helper were here to love them i bet the old people will be acting like young people like in that cellfone ads everyone hates . hes become one of them . hey boy . wanna treat . we better get you home . come on lisa . right after paxed ajax . ouwh . geezzz louise . you know its too bad . weve had that dog as long as i could remember what dog . who the hell are you . i wish i knew you know , son , my father used to take me to johnsons hardware the old johnson knew everythin about fixin stuff when they built this place , he hung himself . oh , sorry son . i wanted you bring me the stack of tiles from the top shelf . hey , ray is here . hi , homer . look , i just came down with a case of shingles whats in the box . hey , im really sorry i never made it back yesterday i hope were still friends . of course we are if you wannabe . i wannabe , if you wannabe ill tell you what . let me get a few more supplies and then ill come right over and finish your roof . hey dad . remember when you said if i used chainsaw unsupervised , id hurt myself well , you were wrong . i hurt someone else . i have minutes to get ready to the prom . what are you doing . why arent you fixing the roof . i dont have to rays gonna be here any minute im so sick of hearing of that stupid unreliable ray who by the way , ive never even met . alright then you can just look at the portrait i painted of him homer . howd you think id feel when i saw that . something like that . homer , come down for dinner . did you make enough for ray . rays not coming . he is to . his truck will come around the corner , right now right now . right now . now . now . homer , i know where ray is oh , thank god . where is he . tell me . sweetheart , your friend ray is in your head . ray wouldnt fit in my head he is the human man . you have to understand ray does not exist . yes , he does . hes on his way . and when he gets here we will ever so much fun . youll see . well laugh . hey , whats goin on . where are my shoes . struggle all you want homer theres nothing you can do . why excuse us for a moment . what am i doing here . let me go . were let you go when you admit theres no ray magini fine i admit it . help me , ray . appearance strike them down . homer , no one has ever seen ray but you . but thats not true bart sawem at the builders barn no , i didnt dad . i saw you talkin to yourself flanders , you saw ray on the roof with me . sorry , homer . youre gonna have to call me aretheist cause i dont believe i saw him ned , are you ok . there has to be someone who saw him . someone who doesnt hate me , like flanders and bart . wait . the bartenders at knockers . i called that bossom bar the bartender said that you were there alone . ray is the figment of your imagination , homer . you felt lonely and unappreciated so you made him up . and heres the clincher ray magini is an anagram for imaginary woow , my subconcious is a genious . well , thats all very convincing and hes right over there . come on , can anybody see . if only they could see from my point of view im afraid this calls for electro shocks . electro shocks . actually the technical term is electro convulsive therapy well , thats a world of difference light me up , doc . when you in juice , can you hold my turtle . i want to bring him back to life . oh , what did he die of . i do not know . he used to dead when i foundem homer , thats just a bite on , not to eat . sorry . give me the one that doesnt taste so good that was a rubber covered in vaseline marge , write that down so we can have it at home if we can begin this treatment soon enough how you feelin , sweety . much better . do you see anyone here , who isnt here . no , just you , marge and yogi bear . im kidding . well i see your sense of humors not affected thats a very bad sign real . not real . real . real . sorry , homer , but recent historical evidence indicates that robin hood did not actually exist fascinating . you kids can relax . your father is fine now . fine and dandy . well his dandiness will slowly return in time dad . oo kids , i heart you too . man , im glad to be out from that electro shock table although to be honest , i didnt enjoy lying down hello homer . its ray . i see him again . monster . you do not exist . hey , noone calls me monster in quest of my own existence the awesome power of the human mind i see ray too so do i well , im not worried . youve agreed not to sue me about anything when did i agree to that . you did when i validate your parking you didnt validate my parking check and mate . so ray does exist . thats right . now lets explore the improbable series of events that led to this amusing yet tragic farce on account of my eyepatch i couldnt see ray sittin at the bar all i saw was you , eating and drinking and talking to yourself and ned , you didnt see me because i was hiding behind the chimney i see , i thought my vision was perfect and yet , here i was worshipping false eyeballs wait . how come at bilders barn i saw homer talking to thin air . well , that i can answer that . i ve been tracking the tearing of fabric of space time which compliant with airborne pieces of metal at bilders barn to create a mini blackhole this would normaly posed between homer and bart causing a gravitational blank which has absorbed the light reflected by ray the roofer it seems feasable wait , there is still one thing that doesnt make sense why did you start to fixing our roof , and then just diseappear . thats easy . im a contractor . thats right . youre all crooks . we are all crooks , its true . wait a minute . i went throu alot of pain and suffering because of this little misunderstanding somebody owes me big . well , homer i could make it up to you maybe a free eye scrapping thats a given theres something else . something much more else . homer , can i please knocked off . i have surgery in the morning not until those gutters clean , you dont . so as i was saying , homer mondays , at oclock , cbs they say everybody loves that guy but i dont get it what are you talking about . im just now saying , catch it , while you still can . what time this show on . on monday , oclock , cbs . and on whats the network cbs . at what time . and if i want to watch it , what day . monday , night and this is on the radio . no , its television . mondays at . on cbs . and if i want to see it what time should i watch it . on what channel . cbs . what day . monday . on the radio . television . turn the television to what channel . cbs . at what time . and if i want to see it on certain day what would be the best day to see it . it was only on monday . and what time would be good time to see it . from to . so if i turn my radio on at oclock no radio , television . so is mondays at on nbc . cbs . cbs . on the radio . television . and we finished . springfield . somethin big . stay strong , men . the united states is due to win a war sometime . oh , good lord , its a swingline . medic . skinner . uh , yes , superintendent chalmers . do you know what today is . today . yes . of course i do . happy birthday to you , ha its not my birthday , seymour . you know im a sagittarius . really . im a libra . theres a lot of compatibility there . skinner , be gay on your own time . today is the day we choose who gets the schools vending machine contract . i anticipate quite the dog show . sir , this school has a strict no animal policy . i assume these are hypothetical dogs and poni . everyone likes a gumball machine , so why not a gumbo machine . does your school nurse treat burns . nope . it couldnt be simpler . kids write down what they want , put their money in the can , and i take the bus to the supermarket , and bring the snacks the next day . is that a yes . kids want a snack that skateboards , wont clean its room and hates homework . thats why we created scarf ables by scammer z dog . these two spokes rebels were invented by the marketing team that came up with hip hopsicles, , the urban popsicle . yes . i saw those when my normal grocery store was on strike . well , heres what really seals the deal . slide your green into the machine and dont expect any change , dog . its like a fundraising school bake sale with slang as the saran wrap . and a subsonic neuro jammer disrupts the childs judgment center . fair enough . i assume these snacks are nutritious . thats really none of our business . the bottom line is , half the profits go to your school or camp . you heard the lady . just sign the damn contract . wow , krishna krisps , amazonkers , lollapalollipops . these sound like my kind of snacks . oh , dalai lamanade . oh , my god . look at these ingredients . hydrogenated petroleum oil , monosodium poisonate , partially de weaponized plutonium .  . attention , duped masses . these new vending machine snacks are crammed with processed sugar , industrial byproducts and trans fatty acids . dont flava hate, , participate . the machine makes a good point . dont be a follower , be a snack swallower . its fun to obey the machine . way to go , dude . youre five cents away from an awesome beverage or snack . im outta money . willie , you wanna buy my skateboard . why not . for once , itll be all eyes on willie . look at me , im an american boy . stairway . im getting the no , im not . okay , im all right . no . ah . i spoke too soon . thats better . what are you looking at , ya bastards . bart , i spent all afternoon stuffing tuna fish into that steak . have some . no , thanks . the vending machines at school feed me now . oh , so ive been replaced by a machine . marge , no machine could ever replace you . why , youre the or could it . oh marge bot, , im ready for some lovin . why did i give her a gun . but i repeat no one is being replaced by a machine until all the kinks are worked out . well , until that day , im still barts mother , and i dont like him stuffing himself with junk . oh , fine . yummy , ive got love in my tummy and i feel like a loving you love , youre such a sweet thing good enough to eat thing and its just a what im gonna do oh , love , to hold ya oh , love , to kiss ya oh , love , i love it so be careful . my heart it hurts so much . like its caught in a vise . my little boys in love . i think hes having a heart attack . come on , son , you can fight this . do the bart man . do the bart man . why dont you dance .  . dance . doctor , little kids arent supposed to have heart attacks . theyre supposed to skin their knees , and poke their eyes out , and be smothered by cats . well , bart had a heart attack and its his own damn fault . these dark spots in his pulmonary arteries are malted milk balls . his liver looks healthy . thats a wad of laffy taffy . now , when bart goes home , hes gonna have to follow a program of strict diet and exercise . damn it , i will not bury another patient . doctor , youre a pediatrician . yeah , but my heads been somewhere else this year . the itchy scratchy show . okay . well start with a routine stress test . bart , how can you laugh at that . you just had a heart attack . yeah , but what does not kill me makes me stronger . wow , that was a lot of words . i need some energy . hey , kids . heart disease can strike anyone , including heavy drinking, , chain smoking clowns . thats why i had the doctor install a zipper . the zippers stuck . i shouldve gone with the button fly . i talked to dr . hibbert today . he gave me a list of heart smart foods . ko ta cheese . cottage cheese . from the looks of it , this cheese has already been eaten . oh , honey , please take this seriously . when people used to ask me how you were doing , i said , at least hes got his health . now youve got nothing . okay , mom , for you , ill try . qkay , now we know youre allergic to cauliflower . but i made a special platter of vegetables that are good for you . its graffiti you can eatie . you get better , son . meanwhile , the rest of us will be going to the library . where are you really going . milkshake festival . look , you can see the booths from your window . today only , free milkshakes for ten year boys . drink your own weight in milkshakes and win a milkshake . id better tell dad . lisa , take a picture of me with all the milkshakes . all right , everybody , get in there . okay , we all in . hurry theyre melting . maybe moms the way to go . intervention .  .  . what the family .  . son , were here to help with your which addict a are we going after here . overeating . and if theres time , well get to my drinking . but there wont be time . im telling you , bart , one vice leads to another . and then you wind up like me so jaded , the only thing that gets you off is free basing ground up moon rocks . all this does is get me to normal . thank you , krusty . once again youve delivered an important message wrapped in entertainment . and im so touched that all of you would take the time to eat my shorts , lame os . help . kidnappers . theyre not kidnappers . theyre professionally trained child snatchers, , who are taking you to a maximum security fat camp . im not fat . mr . and mrs . simpson , im facility director tab spangler , united states marine corps , retired  but not tired . guess how old i am . come on , take a guess . i hate when theyre over . even on the nose hurts . hes just the kind of weirdo bart needs . mr . and mrs . simpson , your boy is going to need one thing tough luck . dont you mean tough love . tough love . of course , this has never made sense . the sign shop guy lied . stanley . you didnt question the word luck .  . now look what we got . thanks for the correction thats part of the honesty . son , i just want to leave you with a piece of advice  become emotionally dead . leave your body . make lots of friends . wake up , fatties . stop dreaming about butter . dream calories are real calories . all right , heres how this exercise works  you tow me around the track . as we gather speed , i whip you gently , you state your name and tell me how you got so heavy . kent brockman . channel six news . i gorge on kettle corn during the sports and weather . we know . your side fats starting to spill over to channel five and seven . i hope youre getting three paychecks . bart simpson . im just big boned . no such thing . growth spurt . doesnt exist . this cant be legal . its legal enough . jiminy kimmel . look how much theyre charging for barts treatment . that freeloading fatso . marge , could you cut back on your makeup budget . i already use crayons for lipstick and fireplace soot for eyeliner . so thats where my soot went . this fat camp can save barts life , we have to find a way to pay for it . homer , maybe you could ask mr . burns for a raise . even better , ill ask him for my job back . i know how we can raise money . youth .  . i hate them . secondly how much is costed for stay night of one . how much is got , wolfgang schmuck . lets see here . i can offer you a week . fifty dollars .  . what about all the water you guys will waste with your bathing and showering and washing your clothes . yeah , we dont is not a problem . all right , try this . as you scoop your ice cream into the trash , tell it you hate it . talk to it . you think i look like what .  . whats the vanilla saying . no , im not that old . come on , talk . lets hear ya . heres the scoop your haagen days are over . im baskin in your pain as im robbin you of life . bart . son , im gonna tell you a story about a young man who came here and failed . well , that is the story . i shouldnt call a sentence a story . anyway , its you . look , im really , sorry . now let me get that ice cream off your shoe . young man , theres something i have to show you . in one hour . we have to drive there . no talking on the way . itll hurt the drama . can i just . drama . german backpackers .  . you see , son , every family has to make extra income when they send a child like you to a place like mine . youre lucky this is just a youth hostel . we had one family who had to take in dry cleaning . the chemicals killed their dog . well , thats what they told us in the lawsuit . i dont see a dog living past anyway , do you . they cant see or hear us , right . were not the ghost of christmas past , bart . they can see us . if i were invisible , you think id waste my time with this belt shirt combination . excuse me , were looking for mr . and mrs . simpson . im sorry to say , this is their son . so hes the strudel sucking globbenheimer who has bankrupted them with his expensive treatments . strudel sucking globbenheimer . you need to think about that . thats what the human race thinks of you . problem number with america no universal healthcare . number no metric system . what is this , the time of charlemagne . answer me . answer me now . oh , my god . come on , lets look for your dad . then if we have some time , maybe well look for mine . guten abend , my brave , bavarian overlords . the best wurst in town . heres your tip , baldylocks . if you want it , dance and sing . neunundneunzig luftballons auf ihrem weg zum horizont hielt man fuer ufos aus dem all darum schickte ein general das is good . more , . they want a second verse . i hope he knows it . ne fliegerstaffel hinterher alarm zu geben , wenns sie war dabei warn da am horizont nur neunundneunzig luftballons . this is all my fault . ill never eat junk food again . i swear . good for you . thats what i want to hear . its time to take action . ill meet you later , son . im gonna get the car washed and try to meet somebody . dude , youve changed . yo , im gonna cap a pop in your ass . im ending your vending , dog . bart , what are you doing here . ive learned my lesson . mr . spangler showed me the true cost of my junk food addiction . but youre still fat . not for long . im saying good bye to scammer z dog . ive learned that even made up corporate shills can lie to you . did you hear that foxy , the fox network fox . when i raged against the machine , money poured out . oh , boy . marge , i know this is ill gotten, , but can we use it to . to give these germans das boot . jawohl . please to have new face cloth . schnell . time to take out the euro trash . oh , no , who will put up with our nonsense now . to disneyland . where we will heap the scorn on goofy . now , everythings perfect again . excuse me , i think i left my belt here . no , you didnt . dont tell me i didnt . thats my lucky belt . long story . good one . folks , you have three weeks left on a non refundable weight loss treatment . so if anybody else in the family wants to use it , use it now . but who else needs to lose weight . maggie . grampa . my seldom seen half brother herb . why is everyone looking at me . i am not too fat . im alive , arent i . mr . simpson , youre suffering from p . s . i . poor self esteem . its not i . every sign is wrong . oh , thats terrible . we got a long drive ahead . you want to pull off at a motel . well split a room . where will i sleep . we can worry about that when were standing naked before the bed . my goodness , no wonder you eat . what are you eating now . cheeseburger . youre a catastrophe . let me have half of it . i dont want to . i just want the cheese , i dont want the meat . i do want the meat . heres a corner . let me just bite it . dont rip it . let me have the whole thing . youll get some later . youre a selfish jerk . ive smelled it . it has to be eaten . but its my burger . im driving . ill kill us . fine . id rather die . springfield . i need change for a dollar . no change without purchase . whats the cheapest thing youve got . a two ounce bag of chips .  .  .  .  .  . what a rip off . someone should shoot you . i was hoping wed miss the holdup . i dont know what to do for dinner now . maybe we could shop somewhere else . theres a farm stand next door . interesting . its like a corn dog without the dog . put whatever you want in this burlap sack . you may not . thats my baby carrier . they so traumatized , im takin them for a walk in they stroller . well , i think this family should try more vegetarian meals . wed feel better and live longer . vegetables , youve been promoted from side dish to entree . i dont miss meat at all . this portobello mushroom eats like a steak . a rubbery , fungus like steak . marge , im giving birth to a food baby . i feel like something crawled inside me and took a crap . bart , dont use that word crap . i brought you some weak tea and dry toast . no fair . lisa didnt get sick . its cause your bodies are so used to processed food , its a shock when you eat vegetables full of vitamins , minerals and trace amounts of bug feces . i think its staying down . its staying down . its not staying down . wait . yup , its staying down . oh , no , its not . yes , it is . no , its not . yup . no . yup . no . yup . no . yup , no , yup , no , yup , no . stop it . youll all feel better if you get a little sleep . now , close your eyes . wheres my bucket . hush , little baby , dont say a word mamas gonna buy you a mockingbird . and if that mockingbird dont sing and if that diamond ring turns brass mamas gonna buy you a looking glass lisa sings so sweetly , and bart is my pillow . everyones good for something . looks like you guys are on the mend . yeah , cause were through with vegetables . from now on , im only eating food that i know had a soul . hey , kids . do you have what it takes to be a singing sensation . a dynamite voice . ruthless , pushy parents . a void in your self esteem that can only be filled by applause . oh , god , i know that void . then you were born to enter krustys lil starmaker singing competition . not affiliated with american idol . weve never even heard of american idol . the winner will be animated into an itchy and scratchy cartoon . so enter today , especially if youre a funny looking kid who doesnt know he sucks . im a comin , krusty . lisa , you should enter that contest . youve got a great voice . it made us all feel better . thanks , bart . thats really sweet . i think i puked up all of my meanness . praise the lord . im on the road to recovery . i hope we didnt camp out here for nothing . its like every kid in springfield showed up . dont worry about the competition , sweetie . whenever i enter a contest , i tell myself im going to win because sometimes , if you believe hard enough , god cuts you a break . after all , he works for us . our prayers pay his salary . and if i win , ill be on itchy and scratchy . ah ha, , en garde . parry , thrust . nicely done , wind dancer . but seriously , cruelty to animals is no laughing matter . you can make a difference . spay and neuter your pets . and remember , save the violence for cartoons . for details , log onto peta . org . all right , kids , lets do this quick . after this , i got to record seasons of dvd commentaries , and i remember nothing . today , well pick the lucky children who will get to compete on the air . i was going to be your celebrity judge , but then i realized id have to pay attention . so instead , well use the applause o . now , lets get this over with . a b how i wonder what you are . thank you . i cant believe i used to date him . lis , youre a shoo in . hush , little baby , dont say a word mamas gonna buy you a mockingbird thats gonna sing , yes , it is , yall and if that mockingbird dont sing mamas gonna buy you a diamond ring thats gonna shine . shine oh , it shines so bright . lisa , that sounds like a fancier version of the song youre going to sing . and shes giving us the emotional experience of a lifetime . oh , thank you for this angel , lord . this contest is moot . a lil star has been made . when she sings a c , its a c . unlike a certain glee club ive wasted my life on . i may not know much , but i do know talent when my producers point it out to me . we have our first contestant clarissa wellington . theres no way im going to beat her . why . just because she sings like whitney houston brought to life . dont lose hope , sweetie . im going to write you a song so great , you cant lose . and thats not just the beer talking . your fathers in here , too . when a man loves a woman which one are you , the man or the woman . questioning the kids sexuality  well done . here you go , honey . sing this . how did you write a song so quickly . much of the tune is plagiarized . now go , . ive been to paris and london and tokyo town but one crazy burg has em all beat hands down jacksonville . im talkin springfield . you can buy chimichangas talkin springfield the chicks have big gazongas . theres tires on fire a guy named apu and skinner , and grandpa and ol disco stu . did i forget to mention you . you .  . thats me . im talkin springfield where nobody sucks . except for flanders . i get it , i get it . shes good . looks like they love you , kid , and the audience is always right . i wish i could say the same about my stockbroker . ah , what do you jerks know . thats a quality joke . you did it , sweetie . no , we did it , dad . shes right , it was all me . i really do like working with you , dad . will you keep helping me . of course , sweetie . you and i are going to write and sing our way out of this godforsaken hellhole . but your song said you liked springfield . i wrote it about shelbyville , then changed the names . good job , sweetie . every time you hit that note , ill shoot a glass with my bb gun . i really appreciate your taking such an interest in me , dad . honey , our time together is precious to me . i didnt want to say anything , but i dont think im going to be around much longer . really . whats wrong . well , moes getting a big screen tv in february , just in time for the pro bowl . maybe this time my beloved blue shirts will win . is it possible to get a green spotlight . sorry , sweetie , we dont have green . let daddy go talk to the man . may i have a word with you . is that green enough for you , sweetie . cause i can make it greener . no , its fine . alas , my love . you do me wrong to cast me off discourteously thats cameron . girls go crazy over him . hes cute , unthreatening , and his smile brought a puppy back to life . dont worry , honey . the song i wrote you is so schmaltzy , itll make moon river sound like a farting orangutan . my kitty died on christmas eve daddy told me to be brave but instead of singing carols i was digging snowballs grave god , i miss lisas cat so much . all right , you know how it works . every week , we eliminate one contestant based on the votes cast by youthe , audience . disclaimer all ballots were lost and vote totals made up . the first contestant eliminated is katie anderson . katie , you were the first victim of the buzz cola trapdoor . fall into the flavor hole . and the next contestant to be eliminated is clarissa . yeah , its you , honey . please dont cry . keep crying . its dynamite . sweetie , tonight , you were perfect . marge , lisa and i were just discussing how to improve tonights performance . now youre confusing her by telling her she was perfect . mr . simpson , i brought those twizzlers you asked for . my little girl likes red vines . you little . mr . simpson , please stop . you think i cant kill you . theres a hundred little punks graduating from syracuse this year that would beg to kiss my ass . let go . get out of here . hes crazy . hey , these are red vines . here you go , sweetie . daddy got you your candy . homie , im worried youre turning into some kind of super cuckoo stage mother . yeah . for once , couldnt you just turn into a good father . would that be so hard . hey , give me a break . living through lisa is the healthiest thing that ever happened to me . but , dad , you dont need to help me by humiliating people . you love sausage , but you hate to see it getting made . i dont love sausage . then would you like to see it getting made . dad youre fired . fired . me . everything i did , i did for you . dad , im sorry youre hurt , but you left me no choice . you were obnoxious at a level not even permitted in show business . do you know the hours i worked . the people i had to yell at . the tires i had to slash . no one asked you to yell and slash . its called schmoozing . bart , you want to go to the video arcade . hell , ill even go shoe shopping . hey , come back . im calming down . well have family fun . family fun . hey , everybody , i brought a guest . someone who appreciates my in your management style . smart move . soon the whole world will be lining up to suck my nose . after i make my new client a star . hey , simpson family . how can i touch your hearts tonight . youre working with cameron now . his name isnt cameron anymore . hes now johnny rainbow . mr . simpson , about that im not mr . simpson . that ship has sailed . im colonel cool . and im the captain on this rocket to the stars . so , are you a colonel or a captain . neither . im both . all right , i wanna teach you a little something about jazz hands . now dont stop till its as natural as breathing . dad looks so happy . actually , i think your fathers still upset about the way things went down . marge . bart . maggie . santas little helper . lisa . dad , i dont want things to be awful between us . i made you some cookies . i dont think cookies are going to make me feel better . oh . oh , god . theyre delicious . oh , im so happy . oh , god , theyre gone . hi . this lightings a little bright . and could i get a red wash in the background . sorry , hon , this is all we got . whos next . we are . okay morty , gimme a rose colored spot , tight to mid chest and an aqua background with an astronaut on a surfboard . sure thing , mr . s . lisa , at the end of your song , remember to look into the spotlight . it makes your eyes twinkle . thanks , dad . youre welcome . this is our final night . through our buzz cola trapdoor . let us out . hey , youre supposed to clean this out every night . what do you mean , talk to your shop steward . now lets welcome the first of our two finalists , lisa simpson . ladies and gentlemen , i have a confession to make . i didnt have my usual songwriter tonight . so i took a stab at writing my own song . something that expresses whats really in my heart . bernie , if you please . im in the final two i should be happy . but all i want to do is spend more time with my pappy now that youre gone , dad i miss you so much and your threats against teamsters and techies and such your management style is like attila the hun . you were vicious , malicious . but you got the job done . im sorry i hurt you . but please dont be sad . youre no longer my coach . but youre always my dad . even the applause o is crying . oh , god , thats battery acid . dad , you know the best part about this whole thing has been the time weve spent together . i dont care if i win , just as long as youre in my corner again . i always was , honey . look . camerons about to sing the song i wrote for him . hes about to learn the most important lesson in the music business dont trust people in the music business . im a privileged boy . its great , i gotta tell ya . a privileged boy . my dad can buy and sell ya . it really doesnt matter . that youre on the list in front of me . im gonna get your table . cause i always tip the maitre d and then ill go to yale . because i am a legacy . im better than you . you suck , johnny rainbow . i believed in you . you sabotaged cameron for me . sure did . id do anything for you , honey . especially if its easy . well , i think youre the sweetest dad in the whole world . ill always be there . not even death will stop me . now youre getting creepy . how bout i love you , honey . good . springfield . i scream , you scream , we all scream for haircuts . mom , bart and i have been talking you have . thats so nice . what lisas trying to say is theres a new kids barbershop in the mall , and wed like to start going there . a kids barbershop . but they dont have my templates . yeah , the templates had a great run . but wed like our hair to look like people hair . i see . well , good luck getting to your precious mall barber , cause im not driving you . kids , wanna go to the mall . theyre baking fresh cinnabons which means theyre throwing out the old ones . i guess ill just cut my own hair . who wants their hair cut . who wants their hair cut . who wants their hair cut . which side do you want your part on . left . right . stab . stab . stab . youre the boss . what the hell . bart , you look worse than aunt patty in the morning . and there aint nothin looks worse than aunt patty in the morning . next . can you make me look like this . my bad boy spikes . my good girl points . children , the mall will provide you a wide range of subjects , while i return some socks that appeared to be black , but were in reality a very dark blue . the best photographs , or photos , will be prominently displayed in the school lobby all year long . after em . i love you , dumpster bons . dad . big surprise . the fat guys eating garbage . come on . well hide in the theater . well , i guess you didnt find anything interesting to photograph . check it out . the principals got a shirt wiener . leave your body , seymour . leave your body . left below . he is risen production . i wish youd come to church with us , sweetheart . church . id rather play golf on the holiest day of the week . finally , a character i can relate to . i bet good things happen to him . but , honey , with recent troubles in the mideast and other ominous signs , the rapture could soon be upon us . the rapture . easy there , helen . science has shown religion is just an old wives tale . im sorry , but the only thing im praying for is that you take it easy on our credit cards . oh , mr . thompson what if your wife finds out . hey , its modern times . everyones doing it . where did my christian limo driver go . my pious husband is missing . the baby i chose to have baptized is gone . mr . thompson , whats happening .  . its the rapture , shawna . the rapture . the virtuous have gone to heaven , and the rest of us have been left below . left below . where have i heard that before . its the title of the movie . its everywhere . we were fools . and because we rejected god  tacitly accepting satan  we must suffer through the apocalypse . i thought all religions were a path to god . i was wrong . why did i put my faith in science and technology . why did i choose to be gay . this movie will haunt me for the rest of my life , just like cannonball run ii . marge , what if the rapture is coming and i havent led a good enough life . i could be left below . sweetie , dont worry . god wouldnt spring the rapture on us unannounced . hed send us signs , like , i dont know , all the dogs getting on a spaceship and leaving . yeah , ill bet the cats would be psyched about that . thanks marge , youve put my mind at ease . now how about a little rapture for mama . i could be the rachel to your jacob . okay , but its tough for me not to think about their hardship . marge is right  the rapture isnt coming . there havent been any ominous signs . follow me . its just not workin out , barry . yeah . i guess id better study for the police exam again . good luck . you , too . blood is raining from the sky . hang on there , big fella . well save ya . this aint personal . i just love to scrimshaw . judgment day is at hand . can i help you . were having a sale on bible magnifying glasses . be gat . do you have any books on the rapture . yes , this one is off . ill take everything youve got . and would you like to take advantage of our friends of flanders discount . no , thank you . heres a pretty little wig for lisa and a handsome toupee for bart . so , you still think im crazy for saving all your hair trimmings . no , maam . okay , then . lets get the rest of this hair back in the freezer . homer , you didnt touch your second dinner tonight , and youre reading books . word books . whats going on . marge , the rapture is nigh . these books will help me figure out how nigh . this whole deal is scientifically proven . the book of revelations has verses add the number of people at the last supper minus the number of filipinos in the bible and you get three million , one hundred and thats when the rapture will begin . may th . thats one week from today . a week . thats seven days from now . the world will end next week . spend your childrens college fund . thaw that turkey now . this is kent brockman reporting live from downtown springfield , where overweight doomsayer homer simpson is predicting the world will end next wednesday . homer , what turned you from sad drunk to mad monk . funny story , kent its the end of the world . god loves you . hes gonna kill you . heres my angle  theres no way in gods heaven i should get into gods heaven , but maybe hell let me in , if i warn others the apocalypse is coming  as i previously shouted . i see . well , we have seconds left . any other cuckoo yip yap . heres one . revelations . just before the rapture , the stars will fall to the earth . so all you hippies out there might want to for that one . there you have it folks . and if i can make a prediction of my own . this weekends springfield lettuce festival is gonna be bigger and better than ever . weve got romaine , iceberg , radicchio , and everyones favorite , baby bibb . even a few cabbages are getting in on the fun . homie , im glad youre getting exercise . i just wish it wasnt crazy exercise . marge , in a world gone mad , only a lunatic is truly insane . dad , we love you , but we just dont think the world is coming to an end . yet . a hundred years , global warming  were goners , but for now , do you think you could lighten up on this left below stuff . well i guess this thing does look pretty silly . lets all take off our sandwich boards and watch tv . live , from springfield stadium , its krusty the clowns celebrity salute to specials . the crowd is abuzz and agog as the celebrity blimp approaches . and look . here is americas favorite waste of taxpayer dollars  the blue angels . what the . the blue angels . i thought we were getting charlies angels . oh , god . were going down . i dont wanna die next to kathy griffin . the stars are falling to the earth . just as you predicted . well , thats our show for tonight . id like to thank all the very talented people who broke my fall . to all the fans of los lobos , mucho , condolences . good night , everybody . homer , you were right . that must mean you were right about the rapture , too . yeah , i was wondering if you could help save my soul . ive done stuff i aint proud of , and the stuff i am proud of is disgusting . what are we supposed to do on wednesday . lie naked on our roof . cause that girls school says i cant do that no more . when the time comes , we wont be in our homes , because were all gonna go here . thats springfield mesa . its miles north , past the warren harding memorial through hole . exactly . it came to me in a vision or maybe it was a drunken haze or , possibly , an ice cream headache . well , looks like someones having a pre rapture party . no , flanders . its a meeting of gay witches for abortion . you wouldnt be interested . all right , everybody . pair up with a rapture buddy who will watch your back through all eternity . chief wiggum , wanna be my buddy . whats wrong with carl . trouble in paradise . dad , please dont go through with this . all through history , self anointed seers have predicted the end of the world , and theyve always been wrong . but sweetheart , i have something they didnt have  a good feeling about this . its all right , lisa . dont go . more heaven for me . lisas going . were all going . come on , lisa . no one in this family is being left below . wait for me . im a comin . dont worry , dad . theres a bus coming for you . drive , . saved minutes to go unless it turns out that youre not devout then youre gonna be left down below minutes until were all saved minutes to go wait for me . wait for me . okay , guys . get ready . were just seconds away . you saved us , homer . i cant wait . im gonna steal gods secrets and sell em to satan . six five four im so proud of you , homie . two one good bye, , stupid earth . there appears to be some delay . my watch must be running fast . wait for it wait for it wait for it wait for it wait for it life goes on . please dont go . please . please .  . i command you . homie id better start dinner . lisa , you still believe in me , dont you . dad , if youll recall , i never believed in you , not for one second . thats my girl . hey , nostra dumbass, , did the rapture come . i cant recall . in fact i can recall , and it didnt , and you suck . hey , fatwad . heres another thing you didnt predict . lets go to moes . well walk and punch . moe , what happened to your eponymous tavern . yeah , funny thing , that . you said the end was comin , so i sold the bar to some japanese businessmen and gave the money to charity . now them orphans got new skip ropes , and i end every day smelling like eel . cats are all over me . thank you , though . you did me a solid . hey , theres that jerk who tried to save us . nice rapture , einstein . hey , you with the tempura , your arm broken . how can people be so heartless . how can people be so cruel . ten , . but jesus was at the last supper , too . this changes everything . multiply by seven dont forget to carry the six , wake up . the rapture is coming in half an hour . theres no time to waste . marge , grill a chicken . no , make sandwiches . and some kettle chips would be nice . original , not barbecue . weve got school tomorrow . yeah , school . forget school . we have to get to the mesa . were not going anywhere , except to bed . but my prediction says you couldnt predict at . now good night . stupid family . wont even come to my rapture . i went to lisas school play , which had serious pacing problems . three two one . im wrong again . im nothing but a big , fat i was right . and theres the earth . so beautiful with your many rings . homer simpson . welcome to heaven . now lets get you some clothes . im comfortable like this . yeah , well this is heaven for everyone . this is our nature walk , our pedicure hut , our state of showroom , tonight featuring los lobos . and over there is our water slide , thats coming next year . its gonna be super fantastic . how come its not open yet . look , just dont use leprechaun labor . okay . dont do it . and the best part of heaven is anything you wish for you get lickity split . okay , just for that , your rooms next to the kiddie pool , all right , mr . smarty head exploder . so if you need further assistance , just call the front desk and ask for andre , okay . oh , sorry . id tip you , but i dont have any cash . you know you could wish for some . i could . wait . before you go , theres one thing i gotta know . what happened to my family . heaven has a wide array of fine dining just steps from your room . have a light bite at the pope of sandwich village . okay , lets see earth is channel i think . why didnt we listen to dad .  . the worst part is ill never see my homie again . thats the worst part . then im not doing my job . ive gotta save them . homer , whats wrong . lord , you got a first class resort here . really topnotch . but i cant enjoy myself knowing my family is suffering . dont tell me about family suffering . my son went down to earth once . i dont know what you people did to him , but he hasnt been the same since . hell be fine . and you could still spare my family by pass . buddy , you just made yourself a powerful enemy . hey , whats the big idea , pally . why so crabby . screw you , dino . you squandered your gift . squandered my gift . i made albums . im sorry , but heaven isnt heaven without my family in it . what do you want , homer . just send me back to earth , and put off this whole rapture hoop de for another couple of years or so . but its already started . to do what youre asking , id have to turn back time . superman did it . fine , mr . smarty pants . i will undo the apocalypse . thanks . listen , could you do me one more favor . you want me to help you with your alcoholism . no , im in a good place with that . why dont you just take these pamphlets . yeah , ill definitely read those later . now , listen , if you could just see your way clear to very well . deus ex machina . it was all just a dream . what are these wings . its just a seagull stuck in my back . dad , weve been so worried about you . the warren harding through hole never seemed so long . yeah , i missed you guys , too . now if youll excuse me hallelujah . hallelujah . hallelujah . hallelujah . thank you , lord . its back the way it was . tthis is heaven . hallelujah . sychro par scarfo team simpson foromfr . springfield . its now oclock . time for verbal tea with amy levine gonzales . oh boy . this is what sunny sunday afternoons are for . today well discuss a dying form of peruvian banjo music , with dartmouth banjologist stephan withmore . its just , uh its not that good . in our second hour , humorist david sedaris takes a wry look at overcrowding in americas prisons . prison overcrowding . ive got a solution for that . oh , my god . usa . usa . but first , were giving away tickets to the latest film by a acclaimed director ladswill klernt . her films are so lyrical . the phone lines are gonna be jammed . winner of the romanian film festivals prestigious golden bucket holy crap . someone actually calling . hey , i won four free movie tickets and it starts in half an hour . free movie tickets . i feel like roger ebert or as kiss ass new partner . but we dont have a sitter for maggie . shell be fine here , under the watchful eye of grandma shark week . tv shark is not a babysitter . how about this guy . homer . howdy , homer , you here for viewing my shampooing . shut up , flanders . i need a favor . would you mind watching maggie for a while . itll only be until later . ho , sorry , but i promise to rewind videotapes for the poor . come on , flanders . isnt that bible of yours say to love thy neighbor . why wont you love me . all right neighbor . ill babysit . thanks , ned . hey , you wore a bathing suit in the bathtub . yeah , so i cant see my own shrinky dinck . make sense . instead of video games , they have weird free newspapers . mum , am i a butch or femme . honey , you can be anything you wanna be . this theater sucks . my seats are uncomfortable , the screens only half of screen and that guys eating an apple . would you care for a segment . yes . what an language is this . gibi gabi . its albanian . but the producers added mom , i dont wanna read , its the weekend . ive had enough , im leaving . oh , im stuck . why did i eat that apple segment . sorry , maggie . thats something to collect , not to enjoy . its one of my humble figurines , hes scampered out of parade magazine and into my nick neck nook and the well his little buddies soon followed . you like em , huh . come on , ill show you the other . how could this i feel so much empathy for those villagers . they had to drink their own tears . i was so bored i cut the ponytail of the guy sitting in front of us . look at me , im a grad student , im years old and i made last year . bart , dont make fun of grad students . they just made a terrible life choice . judas bear , youre not touching your last supper . i cant eat , because my conscience is heavy . boys , enough of your shenanigans , its bed time . ned , let me give you a little something for babysitting . i cant take money from a neighbor , although business at the leftoriums been pretty slow since that big chain store came to town . youve got a big house , ned . if you need extra money , why dont you rent out a room . well , it might be fun to be a landlord . land fella . theres only one lord . i need a place to stay away from my moms drying out . well , id love to help you out , but youd have to be over . i am . check out my id . wait , this is my license . no , its not , ya hamp . well , i do appreciate that youve got a cashiers check . now , do you have any pets . im katja and this is viki . we make much study at community college . were like here about the room . we moved out of our dorm , because it was like coed . sometimes we saw all the boys in there robes . you poor thing . now ive heard about those robes . flapping everywhere girls , welcome to your very own , ned and breakfast . silly talk means yes . heres your room , ladies . you can catch some zees , while you earn those degrees . you rhyme like snoopy dog . well , thank you . i know what we can ask jeeves . why does he suck . hey , a banner ad . sexyslumberparty . com . its flashing . we better click it . katja , do you think anyones watching . if they are , they will see us explore our sex without restraint . hey , this is one of those dirty web sites . two girls . who would want that . you may inside come . ive got fine cappuccinos for neds pre meds . flanders . thats odd . i could sworn i just heard someone shriek my name . you heard nothing . oh , thats better . spank me again with little boys picture . what are you kids laughing at . and if you say jimmy fallon , ill know youre lying . scantily clad coeds . why you little . ill teach you to have a libido dad , look whos in there . flanders . he doesnt even know whats going on . wait till i tell everyone about this , ill feel important without drinking . that will be weird . what a combination . hot chicks and stupid flanders . and you say mr . flanders remains completely ignorant of their . kamasutra . yep , and nobodys telling him . not even his good buddy god . boy , nothing is sexier than still photos in a girly magazine . sensual , isnt it . and the best part is , stupid flanders doesnt even know its happening in his stupid house . its my nickname , stupidflanders . hey , moses , are you a loser . yes i am , homer . how are those two calmly boarders of yours , ned . well , mel , theyre swell . oh , yeah . theyre just what my laptop needed . son , i need to pee , but i cant stop watching . fetch me a bottle . come on dad , ive seen you hit the toilet from here . what are you two doing . were watching the latest photos from mars . ho ho, , great stuff . worth every billion . bart . turn away from that screen and look out the window . no problemo . its happening in neds house . why would he allow that . well , thats obvious . he doesnt even know . come on . you tell him right now . ned , homer has something to tell you . im thinking about getting a yogurt franchise . its called plops you know what i mean . ok . flanders , you see you soft core sophomores took advantage of my trustful nature and sold to internet by putting pornography on it . get out . whole town is laughing at me behind my back . i guess youre the only real friend i have . are you kidding . homers the one what adviced us up to this sexy goings on . homer , is this true . ned , i had no choice . it was just so funny . the bible says cast your bread upon the waters . but all i got was a bunch of soggy bread . soggy bread dont say it homer , this is not the time . bread . whats wrong , daddy . well toddy , you know how i said our friends are like the canaanites . today i realized they are more like the midianites . i wish we lived in a place more like the america of yesteryear . that only exists in the brains of us republicans . made in humbleton , pa . i dont usually make big life decisions based on things stamped on things that i bought at the garage sale . but corn doggett , boys , its time for a change . dad , i dont think you realize what youve done . youve totally humiliated the best friend the simpsons ever had . youre right . but you know who the real victim is here . ned . thats weve been trying to tell you . oh yeah whats this . goodbye springfield . the flanders family has pulled up stakes . you have laughed at us for the last diddly time . last diddly . he is gone . and its all someones fault . well homer , youve given away the best neighbor of family could ever want . but at least we have a chance to start fresh , so lets be on our best behavior , ok . dont worry marge . ive taken every precaution . this is so humiliating . well at least your names on the bowl . i submit , i submit . hey , im homer simpson . i live next door . so , is that your whistle . damn straight . clay roberts . i coach wrestling , so everybody calls me coach listen neighborino , i wanna start our relationship all from a right foot so if you need anything , at all what jagoff left this here . boys , were home . thats coming from next door . dont worry , ill straight things up with coach clay . were good buddies . weve played this game called who can punch the softest . and he always let me win . hey , coach , do you mind turning down the music , my babys trying to take a nap . thats to bad , cause my twins are just waking up , dude . encourage me . looking good . feel the burn . louder . youre god . i cant think of many more . just say go , . go , . say it like you mean it , you wuss . howdy , humbletonian . picnics and pixie sticks . ill see your smile and raise you a wink and a giggle . this town is sweeter than a cake made of pie . even the dogs curb themselves . everyone new begins here . in the dimple department . can i start yesterday . there is one personal matter . im afraid youll have to lose the hippie lip . get rid of dr . fuzzenstein . i couldnt dream of thinking about considering ill see what i can do . very good . until then , you can wear this . daddy , why did you have to shave your nose neighbor . you know what , im not gonna . my mustache has the right to life . its my body and my choice . this is for you . tonight , on celebrity chopshop , we sell the parts of jason batemans bentley . what did you do to my car . dude , youve been chopshoped . why would you do that . how am i gonna get home . hey , you knocked out my power . how am i supposed to eat without watching tv . yeah , something tells me you wont starve , ha . ha , chief . ha . when you gonna stop poking me . will it be soon . relax , dumb ass . oh , by the way , i borrowed some gas from your car . you dumb ass . but i siphoned that gas from flanders . flanders what are you doing . reminiscing , like a woman . like a woman whose made the biggest mistake of her life . homer . what are you doing here . oh , i was just driving around the mid atlantic states , ringing doorbells at random , and i just who am i fooling with my awesome lies . i want you to come back to springfield . why . so you can make me a laughingstock again . no , i wanna make you a respecting stock . i dont know if youve noticed , but i borrowed a lot of your stuff over the years . well , that is true , in fact shut up , flanders . but some things i could never take from you , your kindness , your gentle spirit , and your infinite patience with a big dumb jerk like me . oh ned , i dont deserve you as a neighbor , but will you forgive a young handsome fool and come home . homer , thats really touching , but my boys and i are trying to make a new start , and people here are little bit more my type are there letters to pick up , or no letters to pick up . i cant tell , and im looking right at it . that tears it . boys , put on your goody two shoes . were moving back to springfield . but i have a girlfriend . now you got a pen pal . so you see mr . roberts , i really would like my house back . really , well thats too bad , cause im not leaving . see , i like this place , and ive already got fatso here broken in . aint that right fatso . yeah , i am a little fatty . you got me . now coach ive try to be a christian and respectful , but i guess im just gonna have to point out your check bounced . legally , i still own this house . oh yeah . tell it to the marines . ok , i give . why did you do that . i was begging for mercy . i saw my advantage and i took it . thats what heros do . ok , ned . get ready for your welcome home surprise . homer , did you steal the organ from the church . maybe , we dont know that for sure . well you gotta take it back . after the party . it feels great to look down my nose at everybody again . mind if i waggle my finger a little bit . go nuts . flanders , ok , thats it , its really irritating . springfield . this friday , well be holding a school wide medieval festival . medieval . like lord of the rings . no , not at all . cant we just keep going forward in our textbooks . no . no , ive already assigned each of you a role in the medieval court . martin , you shall be our king . i shall pattern my reign on enguerrand vii , sire de coucy . tralloo trallay . not so fast , nelson . youre one of king martins guards . youll pay for this . my liege . what am i gonna be . black knight . court ninja . bart the impaler . bart , youll be playing the village cooper . what kind of a knight is that . its the kind of knight that makes barrels and isnt a knight . ay , caramba . well , this stinks . but i bet lisa got something even stupider . all hail the queen . now as queen , you shall be entitled to eat the same french fries the teachers do . the ones made from potatoes . the very same . my coat of arms is a spider man couchant on a field vert . whats couchant mean . lying down . you mean like you . now , whats vert mean . say it means punching . willie , during the festival , youll be wearing these urine soaked rags . youre the village idiot . now , allow me to apply this rubber cement to your face to represent the ravages of plague . my face . what drunken call girl will have me now . now , peasants , since the middle ages had no compact discs or super mario men , people found entertainment in abusing the village idiot . so , let history come alive . wait . let me take out my contact lenses . pelt all you want , but revenge will be willies . that was a stapler . dragon in the dungeon maiden in my lair theres potions in my wizards pot now drink it if you dare . lute solo . cooper . more pink lemon ale . cooper . thy staves are not flush . youll pay for this , my queen . guards , take him to the tower . where is the tower . its the back seat of my merkur . theres cents in the coin caddy and stay out of my diary . quiet , my pretties . soon well have revenge on those who mocked me . also on those who were kind to me . and on the parents who took time from their busy schedules to make today such a success . i hate them all . noble idiot , bring in the pie . i dedicate this pie to the backbone of the feudal system the serfs . scurry , me beasties nibble and gnaw at their overstuffed buttocks . milhouse . dont open your mouth . this is no accident . nice party , dink . youre responsible for this , simpson . no way . i didnt do it . unlike all the other stuff i told you i didnt do , which i did . bart , im sick of playing the tomfool . you are hereby expelled from springfield elementary . boy , i cant believe you got expelled . well , dont expect to spend all week lying around on the couch like a bum , cause thats my thing . bart , a school sponsored medieval festival is supposed to be the best day of a young girls life , and you ruined it . you deserve to be expelled . i didnt do it . mom , you believe me , dont you . bart , i love you , but sometimes i dont love your choices . now we have to find another school for you . and if you get kicked out of that one , youre going straight in the army , where youll be sent straight to americas latest military quagmire . where will it be . north korea . iran . anythings possible with commander cuckoo bananas in charge . bart , this could be a good new school oakwood academy . mom , thats a school for the blind . think of the leg up youd have . how can we afford any of these private schools . theyre all so expensive . if we want to throw good money after bad , why dont we just get grandpa that new pacemaker . i need two aa batteries . now . get em from the smoke detector . what if theres a fire . the smoke will wake us up . how bout this one  st . jeromes catholic school . catholic schools are usually the most affordable private schools . catholic school . thatll straighten you out , boy . there , you dont just get bad grades  you go to hell . my pacemaker . classic grandpa . class , we have a new student . bart , would you like to introduce yourself . hi . im bart simpson . ay caramba , do the bartman , etcetera , . in the old days wed use a ruler to deal with incorrigibles like you . thanks for the history lesson , sis . these days we use a yardstick . ill show you . ill move inches away . a yards . now you tell me . i dont know what they taught you in public school , but at st . jeromes we dont tolerate back sass . stretch out your arms like our lord on the cross . now hold these dictionaries . now , think what it would be like if you had nails in your hands . well , i guess theyd help me hold the dictionaries up . wrong answer . ki ah . stupid catholic school . suffering for my hip attitude . im the real jesus here . so , its sacrilege youre spoutin then . whats it to you , irish . the names father sean . and i used to be an ornery wee cuss myself . until one day , after a drunken brawl with my dad youre just like your mother  cant take a punch . i was laying in the gutterpickin up my teeth , when saint peter himself appears before me . sean , you wanker he says repent of your wicked ways , or sod off . then he gobbed in my face and turned back into a streetlight . and thats how i came to the church . well , im only here because i got blamed for a prank i didnt do . call me crazy , but i believe you . you do . course i do . you know , lots of church types started off as rotten wee buggers . st . augustine himself got his start stealing pears . stealing pairs of what . hubcaps . reeboks . human eyes . its all in here . see for yourself . cool . sister thomasina , ive taken the liberty of knockin the vinegar out of him . hes all yours . yeah , whatever . now class , open your math books to the word problems of our lord . billy and joseph start their penance at the same time . if each swear word brings a thousand years in hell st . sebastian was a pious roman soldier . for preaching christianity to the romans , the emperor diocletian sentenced him to death by hail of arrows . now its payback time . i wish id gone to more orgies . this stuff is great . its way better than the comics i get at the dentist . then father sean quoted eminem in his sermon . and in art class , we painted saint joan burning at the stake , and mine was the grossest . catholics rock . bart , im glad you had fun , but i wouldnt get too into that catholic church . with all the sitting and standing and kneeling , its like simon says without a winner . mom , thats blasphemy . ill say a rosary for you . dont you touch bead one . homer , maybe we should be concerned . catholics can be a peculiar bunch no birth control , no meat on friday no meat .  . what do they eat , light bulbs . lets just change the subject . bart , would you like to say grace . yesm . in nomine patri , et filii , et spiritu sancti . bart , what the hell are you saying . thats latin , dad . the language of plutarch . mickey mouses dog . no , plutarch . he chronicled the lives of the roman emperors . i didnt need that new fact . now i forgot who won bud bowl viii . boy , im pulling you outta that crazy school . im bart simpsons father and im sick of you teaching my son your time tested values . hey , whats that smell . were having our monthly pancake dinner . care to join us . youve transformed breakfast into dinner . its a miracle . log cabin full of taste , my stomach is with thee . blessed art thou among syrups , and bles no praying to the condiments . que buenos cake os de pan o . oh , boy . oh , thats good . all pancakes aside , i really came here to talk about my son . i understand . but can it wait till after bingo . bingo . thats my favorite game . i just cant remember what to yell out when you win . bingo . thats my favorite game . i just cant remember what to yell out when you win . how bout you just say yay , i won . bingo . ive never seen such masterful bingo playing . whats your secret , homer . you have to cheat . listen is it true you priest guys cant ever you know . ill admit the vow of celibacy is one of our sterner challenges . celibacy .  . i was talking about the meat on friday thing . man , you guys got more crazy rules than blockbuster video . well , thats true , but if you do break a rule , you can always find absolution in the sacrament of confession . wait , . no matter what i did , no matter how many people lost their pensions , its forgiven like that . if you truly repent , then yes . okay , lets make some magic here . i wiped a booger on your shirt , i made a dog and a cat kiss , i swiped a bolted down tv from a holiday inn i coveted the wife in jaws ii , i lied to a waiter , i masturbated eight billion times and i have no plans to stop masturbating in the future . im clean . in your face , lord . not quite , mr . simpson . i can only absolve you if youre a catholic . right and how do i join . do i whale on some unitarians . well , its a little harder than that . it begins by looking inside yourself . but it ends with bread and wine . homer , youve been out all night . and you look like youve accepted someone as your personal something . were you at that catholic church .  . look , marge , i know i was supposed to yell at that priest , but hes so cool . he plays drums in a band with a bunch of other priests . i knew theyd try to convert you . thats what they do . well , im not having another kids . marge , no one is saying . nine , ten , tops . see . forget it . and you know , i went to a catholic wedding once . the incense ruined my pantsuit . marge , relax . i never heard of anyone getting so upset about religion . local father , son may swith religions marge is here all alone . i heard her son is catholic now . her husband , too . marge , all by yourself today . well , homer and bart are well , theyre under the weather . under the weather . or under the spell of a man in a pointy white hat . all right , i admit it . theyre both at the catholic church . reverend , what should i do . marge , this calls for an emergency meeting of the churchs spiritual council . to stuckeys . bart and homer cant go catholic . the romans have been separate from us since the schism of lourdes in . and that was about our holy right to come to church with wet hair . which weve since abolished . i guess its good that theyre taking an interest in spirituality . oh , spiritualitys great , marge . hey , im mr . spiritual . but remember a different faith means a different afterlife . marge simpson . welcome to protestant heaven . through in one . poppy , have you seen dash . but where is homer and bart . wow . up here , that feels good . now dance , you heavenly gobs . i wish my family was with me . sorry , marge . theyre just not our sort . well , then , id like to speak with jesus . im afraid hes gone native . stop it . guys , im serious . no . dont worry , marge . well get your boy back . excuse me . that better be decaf . the rim is orange , aint it . or does under tipping make you colorblind . her husbands sleeping with her sister . who said that .  . so now , what do we call it when the communion wafer becomes the body of christ . yes , homer . transubstantiation . very good . he cheated . hes got it written on his arm . welcome to the jungle , kevin . first communion .  . weve gotta stop em now . once they seal the deal , theres no turning back . just like the jews with their snippity snip . bart , get your things . youre leaving with me . sorry , mom , but this is a catholic church . chicks dont have any authority here . mrs . simpson , please . if theres a problem , im sure we can talk it over . back off , popey lepew . marge , what are you doing here . homer , youre physically an adult , and what you do in the privacy of your own soul is your business , but i didnt change barts diapers for five years to see him become a catholic . i thought there was a monster in the potty . lets go . i think weve lost them . they werent following us . then why did i drive through that barn . why did you guys have to take me away . youre always nagging me to go to church , and now that i am , its the wrong one . i just dont think your fathers the right person to pick out a religion for you . okay , ill pick a religion for me judaism . dont have a cow , man dont have a cow , man , dont have a cow , man have a piece of fish , oy . bart , were here to bring you back to the one true faith , the western branch of american reform presbylutheranism . hello , homer . marge , you bring bart home now . once you go vatican , you cant go back again . it wasnt a fair fight . your church suckered him in with gory stories , just like we were suckered into getting cinemax . face it , marge , catholics rule . weve got boston , south america , the good part of ireland , and were making serious inroads in mozambique , baby . well , im gonna show bart that protestants can be hip , too . how do you like those croutons . why does that woman thwart my sporadic interest in my children . shouldnt bart and i be able to choose our own religion if we want to . strange as it sounds , dad , i agree with you . everyone should be able to choose their faith , just like i chose buddhism . buddhism . well , i guess lots of kids have imaginary friends . ill ignore that . in fact , im gonna help you . i have a pretty good idea where they are . we cant lose bart now that were so close . if i do , ill be the worst priest ever . well , except for you know . now , bart , isnt this the kind of religion youd like to be a part of for all eternity . ladies and gentlemen , please welcome  hot off their conversion to christianity  the band once known as quiet riot pious riot . come on , feel the lord heavens your reward well get saved whats wrong , bart . you love youth culture . mom , a religion isnt cool just because theyve glommed on to some crappy rock band from the s . hey , weve played more state fairs than the beatles . thats right . you just dont get it . ive made a sacred commitment to the catholic church , and paintball . awesome . die . die . die . bart . i knew one of these dumb things would work . my hive . my trademark hive . hop in , boy . well show your mother our god kicks her gods butt . back off , you servants of the holy see . easy on the zeal , church os . ive got something to say . dont you get it . its all christianity , people . the little stupid differences are nothing next to the big stupid similarities . hes right  cant we all get together and concentrate on our real enemies . monogamous gays and stem cells . well said , mate . put er there . my pleasure . note to self have hand re blessed . bart , youve thought of all with an important lesson way christian has been negling over details for bart too long hey man . and i hope that from mistake forward , we all learn to take barts message of tons and understanding to heart . we beleive the god last prophet bart simpson preach the message of tolerance and love . we beleive tho holy bart man preach the message of understanding and peace before he was betrayed by his follower milhouse and pulled apart by snowmobiles , until he died . eat our shorts . cow a . springfield . circus peanuts , raisins , nicotine gum , a library card you got all the good stuff . and yet and im still not satisfied . you thieving hussy . you kids have got to learn that actions have consequences . eat fire . punks . what the im still cold . everyone please stop fighting and burning . never . beat the lumps . beat the lumps . beat the lumps . ay , caramba . homie , i disagree with your approach to the children . the simpsons season episode treehouse of horror xiv treehouse of horror xiv pathetic humans . they are showing a halloween episode in november . oh , still thinking about halloween . weve already got our christmas decorations up . merry christmas . from www . greektvsubs . gr reaper madness i am death . death . we dont want any . i am come for bart simpson . bart . run like a wind . mom . its wind . well , i only read it in books . why , you little please dont take me . take milhouse . we all know theres no happy ending there . your time is up . this is for snowball i and jfkjohn f . kennedy . cool . dad , you realize what youve done . youve created a world without death . does this mean ill never cancel the jim belushi show . i guess so . noooooooooooo . a world without dead . frankie the squealer , why wont you die .  . if i know ill tell you , i swear . id better call my wife , tell her ill be late . if i knew this would take so long , id put on a tv . pizza . theres money on the counter . no tip . are you miserable bastard . thats why im up there . death . death . we miss you so much . you were a busboy in the restaurant of life . clearing away the oldies and the sickies and the chokies . and you made nascar racing exciting . homer , its trash day . will you just him out to the curb . ill curb him without enthusiasm . this robe is pretty soft . check it out . i finally found a dead guys clothes that fits me . what . its not my hand . whats happening dad . youve become the new grim reaper . no way , forget it . i might occasionally kill out of anger , or to illustrate a point . but i am not a grim reaper ill reap . ill reap already . jasper your time has come . wheres the regular guy . wheres doug . never mind . im death now . i liked doug . jasper . my dads job . my dads job takes into all parts of the community . he performs a valuable service . but its often misunderstood . like a vulture or the flesh eating maggot . would anyone like to see mr . simpson harvest a soul . you said something about a hot meal . oh man , these seats suck . leave everything to me . pardon me . coming through . rest in peace . youre dead . take a dirt nap . meet the worms . dad . were all the people on the list . i dont know . ok . who am i giving the finger to today . marge simpson not this . anything but this . homer simpson what was that first one again . ok . god . i bumped off the loveof my life according to your defined whim . now release me from this ghastly vocation . no . come on . alright . hey . wait a minute . this isnt marge . this is her fat sister . selma . its patty . chump . i am too old and too rich to do this . thanks for not killing me , homie . heres an extra pork chop . im not gonna kill you every week . frinkenstein hello . sir , im honored to inform you that youve won the nobel prize . the nobel prize . finally . so its for what . my whole deal . this is professor john frink , isnt it . if i say no , do i still win . ill tell professor frink hes won . tack fr att ni frrar vr stad . jumpy jiminy . great glavin in a glass . the nobel prize . they mustve awarded me for my invention of a hammer with a screw driver on the other end . its convenient . just for that . it was a slow year . yes . i only wish my dear father were here to see me win . is theres a problem with your father . well , our relationship was never great . mother used to say we get along like positrons and anti nutrinos . yeah , im geek . i was always a disappointment to him . you see , he was one of those heman scientists who work on the atom bomb by day and slept with marilyn monroe by night and sold secrets to the russians at lunch . last time i saw him alive , he was going to study sharks . i dont want to go on the oceanagraphic expedition , father . i get seesick taking a shower . clean , but nauseous . clean , but nauseous . with the rolling and the heaving , and the you make me sick . youve disgraced the name of john nerdelbaum frink . but father , i we never spoke again . well , where is he now . maybe , i can help you two patch up your differences . you need to patch up more than that . does shark do that . yes . hes was testing out a new blood based suntan lotion . you know now that i have my hammer screw , i could reanimate him , without the needless switching of tools . well , thats always tedious . annoying . im alive , with the breathing and watch this radiator where my belly should be . oh papa , youre back . now , we had to replace several vital organs with machinery , but that doesnt make you any less of a man . except you have no penis . in the traditional sense . so what am i . some kind of a tin can man from planet tomorrow . sir , your son has brought you into the st century . its a lot like the th , except everybodys afraid and the stock market is much lower . polly dont like that cracker . im getting me a real spleen and then im gonna vent it on you boy , chick . it almost sounded like he plans to tear organs out of living people . well , thats my dad , hehe . you cant stop him . hey , club , you look like a healthy specimen . well i did finish first in the walk for the cure , of homosexuality . say ah , baby . im dying . and theres heaven . but whos that . confucious . and milton berle . boy i have been barking up the wrong tree . nice posture . oh thank you . mother always said a curvy spine is the double roller coaster . hey . you cant have that . lost your spine , ha . you just keep finding new ways to disappoint me . have you stop to think about who you are hurting in this rampage . the people like killed . no . your son . on the biggest day of his life , when he accept the nobel prize . you are not gonna be there . oh dear god . ive let my organ lust come between me and my son . its not too late . you can still fly to stockholm . well , it better be first class . comic book guys ass wont fit in couch . you may keep my posterior , just please return the jaba the butt tattoo . stockholm , sweden swedish auditorium nobel prize ceremony winners drink free . he explored the behaviour of individual molecules and chemical reaction . shes the sexy star of alias . please welcome nobel prize winner dr . dudley herschbach and emmy nominee , jennifer garner . you know dr . herschbach , our jobs are actually not that different . i disagree . winner of the nobel prize in physics . professor john frink . thank you . this is a tremendous honor . however i cant help being somewhat disheartened that my father has become a . not any more , son . im here to accept the nobel prize for stupid . can you forgive me . good glavin , dad , youve made receiving the nobel prize the happiest day of my life oh , the hug is good . this is what the nobel prize is all about . the science , the love , and the physics we called quantum . aint that right . people . what a great crowd . you all have such big hearts and such big brains with large juicy dripping with knowledge heads . thats it , im going smorgasboard on these poindexters . and i thought halle berry went nuts during her acceptance speech . i wish i was death again . that was cool . every brain unlocks more secrets of the universe . muffins are suprisingly high in calories . the pyramids were actually built by sears . hes right . it all checks out . this is more violent than the hip hop worlds . youve got stop your father . yes , but , how . he is years old . pressure point here and here . room temperature is degree celsius . yes , this should just about do it . oh , father , you are dying again . but i can bring you back to life sir . son , it dosent take five brains in your head to know thats a bad idea . you saw i become a monster and you stopped me , like a man . im proud of you . and now its time for me go to hell dead . this is the most exciting nobel prize ceremony ever . i disagree . it must be tough to win a nobel prize and lose your father on the same day . oh , i didnt really lose my father . thanks to my latest invention the soul catcher . lets bring it out . look at it . i maybe a soul , but im hungry . can you throw in a little mazzard . maybe a nice pizza pit . well , of course father , thatll make too sense by your brain desire . thats a good shwandler oh , i waited so long to hear you say that . what dose it mean , is it dirty . stop the world i want to goof off oh , baby , did i find something that i throw out today . if you like space in the attic , arent you gonna be happy . cool . comics from the s . superman vs patty hearst . evel knievel jumps the jackson . batman and rhoda . check out these ads . lets see , x ray gum ah , cool . milhouse , do you have your change purse . always . four weeks later magic stopwatch here you go , son . to stop time , click wath . wow , she looks like a background character in a hanna barbera cartoon . to restart time , click watch again . what the lisa , thats a filthy habbit . if we both touching the watch , neither of us will be affected . do you realize what this means . yeah , but you say it first . we can do anything we want . lets get really far ahead on our homework . wait till the other kids see were already on the red unit of adventures in reading . due to budget cuts , music class will now have a two drink minimum . grand apple juice only counts as one . and ah , my slacks i cant go on . people , springfield is in crisis . fingers have been shoved up noses , pants have been pulled down and mayors have been repeatedlyhumiliated . dammit . i thought our mysterious pranksters might be here tonight , so i covered the meeting hall with ultraviolet powder . behold , the perpetrators . it was those guys . come , let us kill them before learning of the magical secret which they possess . oh , that was close . bart , look at the watch . milhouse , we broke the watch . do you realize what this means . yeah , but you say it first . oh man , things are stuck like this forever . well , i couldnt be happier , im the second coolest kid on earth . actually , i guess we can do anything we want . and no one would stop us . im gonna play naked basketball . no , you are not . family looks good . thanks , i just washed them . oh , that keeps happening . can i punch oscar de la hoya for a while . just keep up the bill . you know , milhouse , i thought id love eating only frosting and giving the pope wagging . but i miss being a regular kid in a real world . getting a hug from my mom . yeah , i thought id be happier if my parents back together . but it kind of hollow . alright , it says we can learn watch repair in one hour lessons . boy , that took forever . yeah . well , i work better in a structured environment . here goes nothing . wait , when people see all the stuff we did , they are gonna kill us . yeah . and i cant run too fast after years of eating nothing but gummy worms . im gonna quit tomorrow , i swear . what we need is a scapegoat . ok , acting natural , and to repeat what i said a moment ago , you are so dead . this kid is fun to hit . hum , why is bart so tall . and shaggy . just one of lifes mysteries . like why is my nose jammed full of army men . oh , come on . dont you get it . bart stopped time with his magic stopwatch . jealous much . why cant i tinker with the fabric of existence . let the baby have her bottle . ha , what happens , if i press this button . sorry . from www . greektvsubs . springfield . its too nice a day to be outside doing chores . come in and watch tv . mom finally stopped caring . dont go inside . its a trap . yes , she must have some kind of super chore in there . like getting the rat out of maggies room . im not fooling around , people . park your keisters in front of that tv . now . this counts as a bath . the irrepressible will be buried as soon as his body is found . now , its time for the channel oops patrol . this week , one eagle eyed viewer spotted this hilarious headline . mayor unveils erection to cheering crowd . this weeks oops patrol t shirt goes to whom . whom . mrs . marge simpson of springfield . ta dah . mom made the oops patrol . hot damn . bart , youre not at school , dont swear . what an amusing t shirt, , marge . ill trade you for a tote bag that says prozac . no , thanks . im wearing my cure for depression . come on . give me that shirt . ill put you at the top of the heart transplant list . my heart is fine . it could always be a little better . honey , this is your moment in the sun . and i couldnt be more pleased for your happiness . why was i born . oh , t shirt, , bless the loom that fruited you . homer . win your own t shirt . homer gotta win a t shirt . gotta win a t shirt . okay , get ready to laugh . cranford man missing . whats he missing . his pants . a train . gimme a break . too soon , huh . all right . drought threatens to turn west into dessert . yum , . i think id like some whipped cream on my wyoming . dad , the words desert . and those farmers are suffering . from what . too much hot fudge . come on , bart . show me some love . dont drag me down with you , old man . this is what happens when i go for six hours without sleep . no . ill put that in the maybes . i gotta get that t shirt . worlds biggest pizza . oh , my god . marge , wake up . the newspapers talking to me . oh , relax . im sure its just your brain going crazy . i wish . look at this headline . someone or something knows i love oversized food and short punchy articles . so they hid a message in the first letter of each line . see . homer , meet me th street overpass midnite . wait a minute . this is todays paper . that meeting is tonight . dont tell me youre actually going . marge , i dont know what this is . but sometimes youve just gotta go with your gut . you always go with your gut . this time , why dont you listen to your brain . all right , i will . thats why i dont listen to my brain . and away we go . psst . hey , pal . hey , buddy . wake up . you want to go on an adventure with your old man . no . you have no choice . theres coffee in the thermos . this is boring . cant we go home . this overpass smells like urine . they all do . fresh urine . hey . the bathrooms a block away . mona homer simpson . mona still my little crybaby . ill save you , dad . karate . grandma . oh , bart . are you still a little hell raiser . yesm . mom , youre back . just like you were back before . then you left me again . i love you so much . but its so hard for me to trust you . what the heck . give me a hug , you . homer , youre hugging a bum . i know . im working my way up to you . hey , gimme back my wine . sorry about all the cloak and dagger , homer , but the government is still after me for what i did in the s . theyre probably tapping your phones and reading your mail . i think the government has better things to do than to read my mail . most people write letters to movie stars . this simpson guy writes to movies . dear die hard , you rock . especially when that guy was on the roof . p . s . do you know mad max . to reach you , i called up my friends in the liberal media and planted that story about the giant pizza . you sure know me , mom . pizza was the first food he choked on . aw so why are you back in town . i saw this macaroni pencil holder homer made me , and i realized how much i missed him . i made this when i was five . i had to do something . your pencils were all over the place . hey , it was the s . is that fugitive radical mona simpson . yeah . and thats tokyo rose mopping the floor . hey , joe . your girlfriend sleeps with tyrone power . chief , i think weve got a match here . all right . lets check it out . but if youre wrong , you and lou have to kiss each other . hey , chief , i checked with the union . you can only do that once . oh . cora , is there a back way outta here . not for someone who tips . fine . right through there , santa claus . mom , i swear on your eventual grave , i will never ever let the police get their hands on you . uh oh . you guys are damn lucky . all you destroyed were bricks , mortar and attorneys . remember me as a drain on society . captured s radical , mona j . simpson , goes on trial today on decades old charges of sabotaging the c . montgomery burns germ warfare lab . for those of you too young to remember the s , heres our stock montage . you bet your sweet bippy . what a shrill , pointless decade . during her years on the i am , simpson led an exemplary life working as a crossing guard , oral historian , reader for the blind , listener for the deaf and reacher for the short . yet local villain , montgomery burns , seen here terrorizing children in a th century woodcut , insists that she stand trial . kent , i want everyone in your radio picture audience to know that this woman is a menace to decent people and germ warriors everywhere . end communication . now , lisa , would you agree that your grandmother is a sweet , harmless woman who could hardly be considered a menace to society . definitely . if you ask me , shes far less dangerous than bart . if it please the court , i would like to go ape on my sister . i object . judge , sidebar . very well . judge , do you have a little sister . yes . she used to call me fatty boomalatty . ill allow an lndian burn . thank you , your honor . lisa ow . your honor , can you please focus on the case at hand . im sorry . my wife left me this morning . now , im not a man whos good with words . you gotta say something . shes looking at years . and my legal license expires in minutes . i barely know my mother . and every time i see her , shes taken away again . and when a man doesnt have his mother , he winds up like me . all aw i mean , im due back in this same courtroom three times today . hell , i torched a blood bank . one cookie , my ass . please , give me back my mommy . your honor , there is no way we can find this defendant guilty . although i will miss the jury room cold cuts . and the quality lnn more than lived up to its name case dismissed . business center , workout room , an honor bar i was honored to use thats enough . and peggy in the coffee shop , what a pistol . a mere nod in her direction , and the refill was in the mug . the jets in the whirlpool anticipated my every move when it was working . and for a local call . they should be the ones on trial . oh , mom , im so happy . i never want to let you go . mom , i never want to let you go . im not your mother . look , lady . just keep hugging till we get to mexico . mother . go hug your floozy . mother , shes right here . she knows im kidding . im not kidding . curse that groovy granny . this is america . justice should favor the rich . sir , maybe you could use a few huffs from your ether bottle . oh , man , thats good e . well , now that im free , i intend to be a better mother to my son . woo hoo . i can be a little boy again . a boy who gets some on the side . baby . now youre free to come back to me . dad , you testified against her . i read a book that said women like jerks . but the mother and child reunion is only a motion away oh , little darling of mine i cant for the life of me remember a sadder day look , mom . look . im riding by myself . homer , this really isnt necessary . you werent around for the birth of your grandson . and i want you to see it . aint i cute . you owe me a dirt bike . hey , guys . i brought my mom . lenny leonard . i havent seen you since you were this high . i can jump off the high dive . carl carlson . i remember when you , lenny and stevie mcgregor were like the three musketeers . yeah . poor stevie . they never found his head . mrs . simpson , when you took off , you left a hole in homers heart that hes been trying to fill with alcohol for years . god bless ya . welcome to your room , mom . i want you to stay here forever . homer , its perfect . doesnt this armoire belong to mr . flanders . you stole this entire room from ned flanders house . oh , well , you snooze , you lose . but could i have my photo albums back . now get out of my house . and so in the spirit of fence mending and grudge not , i hereby rename the burns germ warfare lab , the grandma simpson peace museum and kid teractive learnatorium . grandma simpson , will you be the first to sign the museums guest book . itd be a real pleasure . you know , when i was on the run , i always had to sign a fake name , like when i visited a state park . indeed , how about a national park . why yes . ive got it all on this dictabelt . move in , boys . whats going on . supplying false information on a national park register is a federal offense , which youve committed at every national park from acadia to zion . youre going away for a long time , mrs . simpson . or should i call you anita bonghitt . no . i cant lose my mother again . dont take her away . stop messing with him . the man lost his mother . just one more time . okay , it is pretty funny . mother , you had me but i never had you i wanted you but you didnt want me dad , im just as sad as you are . what happened to grandma is an outrage . how do you figure . she was acquitted . then they put her back in jail on a technicality . youre right . people should only be let out of jail on technicalities . well , theyre transferring grandma to a federal prison tomorrow . i say we hit em where they live with a candlelight vigil . candlepin bowling . thats a great idea . well play right after i break your grandmother out of prison . i fought the law and the law won now just the innocent . i fought the law and the law won now just the really innocent . i hope this bus ride never ends , cause im getting executed when i get off . okay , boy . flip through those highway warnings till we find one thatll stop that bus . next . pass . boring . aw ha ha, , loser . geez , pal . will you look at that . homer , what on earth are you doing . mom , i love you . i cant let you go to prison . whos the wheelman , granny . its my son , homer . all aw oh , isnt he darling . hes a big one . oh , stop it . take care , ladies . im sure you can make it back to the prison on your own . we will . youre all right , donut breath . youre like the son i never killed . mom , im gonna hide you where theres no one around for miles . disneys california adventure . both doh . homer , get out now and no one will ever know youre involved . no . youre my mother , and i wont leave you . if you stay here , youll be abandoning your family the way i abandoned you . yeah . that did mess me up pretty bad . but im not gonna leave you . i see youve made your choice . i love you , homer . thats lucky . brambles . briars . nettles . thorns . granny to the man . granny to the man . this is the man . i think itd be a gas if you turned that magic bus around and kept on truckin to our pig pad . i dont know what youre saying . but i am not turning back . then listen to me , lady . the only way youre getting off this mountain is in a box or a funicular . what about a hot air balloon . pipe down , jules verne . go , mom . you can do it . no . theres still air in that bus . so for the next five minutes , this is a rescue mission . make that a salvage mission . okay , everyone take some free time , and well see you tomorrow at . grandma , youll always be an inspiration to me . you taught me a criminal can evade the law well into old age . thanks for the meatloaf recipe , i claim it as my own . mona , ill always remember raspberry trolley cars . because my mind is shot . your last act as a mom was to make me a better dad . but at least now , ill never lose you again . look out . homer , its in the morning . i couldnt sleep because i thought there might be a sign of my mom in one of these articles . they never did find her body . then what was in the coffin . last weeks garbage . i missed the pickup date . but it doesnt matter , because my mom is alive . see . i am o kay . get it . l am okay . okay , homie . if it makes you feel better , i think your moms all right , too . hey , as long as were thinking about her , grandmas still alive . come on , big guy . thisll help you get to sleep . mona homer , your mother loves you . i escaped from the bus the moment before it plunged off the cliff . i then hitched a ride from a nice young couple . we had lunch at a lovely diner . they had clam chowder , rhode island style . i never knew there was such a thing . and the crackers kept on coming . springfield . oh , boy . casino night . finally , theyll teach our kids the dangers of doubling down on a six . i really shouldnt be here . i have a problem with games of chance . i played candy land with maggie and ended up throwing vodka in her face . aw , marge . i bet youve gotten that out of your system . bet . system . betting system . god is telling me to gamble . hey . hey . hey . deal . hit me , hit me , hit me . busted . welcome to springfield elementary casino night . my fee for this evening goes to victims of my criminal recidivism . so relax , have fun and please god dont piss me off . congratulations , mr . student body president . your casino night is a huge success . thanks , principal skinner . i got the idea from an episode of saved by the bell . it was always on too late for me . ill put everything on lucky . doh . woo hoo . doh . doh . doh woo hoo . doh . doh woo hoo . and the winner is . i win . this is it , baby . first thing tomorrow , were getting a playstation one . ohhh . id like to cash in these chips . give me most of it in cash and the rest in suitcases to carry the cash . sir , this casino is for charity . these chips are only redeemable in cafeteria scrip or a day at the ballpark with groundskeeper willie . ill be bringin sparkplugs to chuck at people i dont like , you . but im up . give me my money . think i wont manhandle a little boy . you dont understand . its not real money . none of these people have won any money . what . didnt anyone read the flyer . it was sent home last tuesday . look at me . im a big man . but i break just like a little girl . well , this was a disaster . i shouldve known . the same thing happened on saved by the bell . care for a milk . no , thank you . martin , in light of this fiasco , youre going to have to resign as president . ill have that milk now . easy there . thats whole milk . im a private citizen now . i can drink what i like . you wont have martin prince to kick around anymore . well , i guess were gonna need a new student body president . were from acme amusement rental . were looking for principal skinner . uh . yes , we all are . whoo . oh . hey , student body president . ah . i can join past presidents like otto , or krusty nelson , youre running for president . im not saying i have all the answers , but i do have all the answer keys to every test . fractions , dinosaurs , foreign money , the first thanksgiving . nelson , what are you doing . real estate license exam . my ticket to freedom . nelson . nelson . im doomed . i cant beat nelson . why dont you start a rumor that hes ding a , hello . what a delicious quiche . i drive a pink miata . i cant believe nelson is more popular than me . honey , you could be popular . youve just gotta be yourself in a whole new way . no . im gonna stick to my platform of incremental policy amelioration . fluoridated water fountains , vegan lunch options . my name is nelson . i use a salad fork . la dee . i wash my face . where did you get that tutu . clothesline . and we deserve a french teacher who actually speaks french . what is she yakkin about . i rest my case . nelson , rebuttal . yo , everyone , its me , nelson . nelson . nelson . nelson . nelson . im not that cool i dont wear jeans ive polished an apple or two but every grade that i grubbed i grubbed it for you so call me bookworm but ill never squirm when theres work to be done yes , ill take my lunch at my desk while youre all outside having fun dont vote for me kids of springfield unless you want an effective leader ill talk to teachers ill handle skinner a vote for lisa makes you the winner vote lisa . vote lisa . vote lisa . hey , ive got a song , too . i am iron man . vote for me . ah , screw it . lisa . lisa . lisa . wow , she even beat perennial write in candidate skinner sucks . skinner . im worried . this girl is extremely popular and thinks for herself . shes like a female eleanor roosevelt . yeah . the students will do anything she says . shes captured their imagination like a bright piece of construction paper . yes . well , weve got to find a way to control her . hey , maybe that escaped mental patient youve hired has some sort of toxin in his shack . yes . hello , willie . well , if you ask me , a womans weakness is her sense of vanity . vanity . you might have something there , edna . so whens my inauguration . hmm . lets see . when hell freezes over , tough guy . you wanted to see me . actually , lisa , i wanted you to see you . youre our president now . but you look like the first lady of yawn . what would you change . eyes , pearls , smile hair points , dress , voice shoes , swatch watch i may be the new girl but you cant brainwash me just oshkosh bgosh me and then leave me be to fight for kid power i must be heard not seen i have to lead wisely not just primp and preen nails , dimples ears , scrunchie purse , lunchbox teeth , milhouse this outing up suits me theres beauty within me so lets olsen twin me give them someone to love this grownup makeover has made me a super tween for they are my people and i am their queen oh , lisa . you look so successful . like youre the wife of a businessman . i wish id married a businessman . then id have nice things . well , its a little over the top . but theres no reason i cant look good and take back the playground from the gypsies . ls our frisbee now . hey , lisa . can i get a photo for the front page . itll either be a picture of you or the drinking fountain that wont stop running . make it snappy , milhouse . ive got an important meeting in the teachers lounge . the teachers lounge . is it true they make fun of students in there . oh , dont be silly . willie look at me . im milhouse . i tuck my shirt into me underpants . willie ive got no friends . so i confide in willie . oh , thats good oh , hello , lisa . we were just discussing vasco da gama . well , i have some ideas for ways we can improve the classroom experience . we need to get teachers more involved . have them meet with struggling kids in the morning before school . fine . ill come in early to meet with students . and ill have hypnotherapy when . or we could hand out teachers home phone numbers so kids can call them whenever they have questions . ive got a question . youre crazy . look , in the swedish public schools , the students grade the teachers on their performance . outstanding notions . each more implementable than the last . its a shame you cant stay to discuss them . heres your schedule for the day . photo op helping kindergartners take off snow boots . move the brush fire hazard needle . shouldnt i stay here and work on school policy . lisa , you were elected to be seen and enjoyed . dont hide your light in a smoky back room making dusty old decisions . well , i am proud of my light . but just in case you want to do any more thinking , im proud to present you with an official key to the study hall . use it anytime you like . you mean i can come to the school after hours . weekends . even during the summer . yes . its like youre harry potter without the magic and wonder . just sign these authorization forms and you can be on your way . that little girl should learn to read things before she signs them . excuse me . i was wondering if i should read what i just signed . no . just standard key release boilerplate . okay . boy , shell believe anything . key release boilerplate . i find that very hard to believe . mmm hmm . and yet there it is . ill just lock this door . boy , this key opens everything . and then as school president , i dont have to take the hearing test . im so proud of you , lisa . what . youre like geraldine ferraro . except you won where she failed miserably . well , i think i can say with all humility , i am gonna be the best school president ever . bravo , lisa . bravo . oh , isnt that sweet . even your brothers adding his kudos . i was being sarcastic . you were . no , i was being sincere . oh , im so confused . lise , skinner is using you like a pawn on his unholy chess set . on my chess set , the pawns are all hamburglars . im so happy with my evil plan say goodbye to music gym and art soon we will have the perfect school where fun and excitement never start im so drunk i can barely see but it helps me get through another day my stomach is filled with haggis and hurt ive got to go puke in some hay lisa is a fool i think the rules are cool ive fallen in the pool seymour mmm . not a cloud in the sky . a perfect day to unveil operation s . l . a . a . a . m . so long athletics , art , and music . care for a t shirt . t shirt . why dont you just give me a sandwich board that says male prostitute . forgive me , sir . theyve taken everything . oh , no . look what theyve done to my triangle . im doing it . im almost to the top . hello , self esteem . repo man . ahhh . ow . i love this job . all extra curricular activities are hereby canceled , to be replaced by nothing . who would sign such an order . as ordered by principal skinner and approved by student body president lisa simpson . and to think i was gonna ask you to the dance . i wouldve gone with you . well , you still can . well , i dont feel like it now . oh . thats cool . stupid , . look , theyre taking away the art room . ill be cooking my lean cuisine in your kiln tonight . what have i done . what they wanted you to skinner betrayed me but a tango takes two i almost had a date . ive gotta tell willie about this . lisa is a sellout . lisa is a sellout . lisa , whats a sellout . with the band gone , how will i know who to beat up . they eliminated english for fat kids . okay , youll do . lise , you made this school even worse . and it wasnt exactly san diego state to begin with . they made me pretty and popular just so they could exploit me and ruin my good name . lisa , youve got to stand up to these guys . and when you do , people will remember you . just look at these postage stamps . theres bugs bunny , fat elvis , autumn in new england , bats of the southwest , all heroes . do you want to see elvis kiss a bat . hey , baby , come here . i want to kiss you . squeak , . no , dont kiss me . you tricked me into betraying my fellow students . lisa , student government is meaningless . look at your constitution . its written on the back of a place mat . and not a good place mat . its from someplace called doodles . i see . principal skinner , may i make an announcement to the school . i cant see the harm . i hereby resign as your president . and for my last act i call a general student strike effective immediately . gimme that . any student caught striking will be severely disciplined unless all of you do it . then im stymied . strike . strike . strike . lisa , please help me lure them back . i had to do what i did . our budget is stretched tighter than mothers sauna pants . seymour . quit using me in analogies . yes , mother . principal skinner , i will not call off this strike until you bring back music and art . what about gym . meh . hey , seymour s . nurture our well roundedness . sneeze , puke , burp , fart , we want music , gym , and art . why didnt i cancel sign making and creative chanting . principal skinner , cant you just reinstate those programs . would you be willing to pay an extra . in taxes to fund them . no way . im saving for a speedboat . strike . strike . lisa , what are you doing . this is the kind of trouble making i expect from your brother . you do . cool . a blank check for mayhem . mom , i was elected to make this a better school . well , couldnt you just hang some colorful crepe paper in the gym . theyve taken away our crepe paper . those fudruckers . oh , no . they heard me . remember , boys . these are little kids . so take out your tiny batons . chief wiggum , were just like you policemen . dont you ever feel like the mayor doesnt care about you . you mean , the mayor who kept me waiting for two hours in that restaurant . i ate so much bread sit down , boys . were joining this strike . chief , are you sure the mayor wasnt at a different olive garden than you . well , i cant take that rattlesnake out of his mailbox now , can i . yes , chief , you could . well , let me ask you this . shut up . the springfield student strike has entered its fourth day with no end in sight . today professional buttinski michael moore arrived on the scene . kids who dont get to take music and art are more likely to become chronically unemployed and appear in one of my movies . where did you get that statistic . your mother . the student strikers have been joined by other unions including the springfield goat milkers , the association of news room cue card holders ow . and the united federation of theme park zombies . zombie eat brains but zombie cannot swallow this injustice . at the heart of the strike is former student body president , lisa simpson . her brother had this to say . lisa is a nut . she has a rubber butt . every time she turns around , it goes putt . indeed . but that rubber butt doesnt have much time for turning around these days . its pointed squarely in the face of the administration . skinner . we have got to get these kids back in school . willie , cant you turn your hose on them . they are wee children . id sooner turn it on myself . well , thats a good idea , too . now see here , you nose wiping hair combers . back in edinburgh , we had a coal miners strike . all we wanted were hats with a wee light on top . then one day the mine collapsed . no one made it out alive . not even willie . skinner . i dont mean to interrupt your advice from the janitor , but i say cut off the head and the body will die . you want to get rid of lisa . but shes such a good student . yes . in fact , i think shes a little too good for this school . if we stand together , we are strong . lisa simpson , you have just been transferred to the springfield magnet school for the gifted and troublesome . please climb into the idling bus . but , i poor lisa poor lisa dont cry for me kids of springfield you can still reach me through e mail at smart girl underscore back slash at yahoo dot com , at yahoo dot com oh , this place is paradise . well , i guess this story has a happy ending after all . just like my last massage . im not driving you cant go to that school . but this is my dream . oh , why cant you have a normal dream like being an olympic figure skater . okay . let me take figure skating . are you crazy . im not getting up at every morning so you can prance around a frozen pond and think youre better than me . lisa well , what can i be . homer i dont know . how about a horse whisperer . lisa okay . homer over my dead body . springfield . look , smithers . crackle berries . spot me a federal , will you . sir , ive spotted you over this year . perhaps you could carry your own money . money is for the poor . why dont you use your atm card . ah . yes . the automated teller machine eola . oh , smithers , guide me in . my pleasure , sir . smithers , whats my password . its your age , sir . excellent . lets see . whats the smallest amount of money i can think of . a thousand dollars . oh . oh . my moolah . its escaping my clutches . your kid sucks . bring it on . announcer hockey dads . commence fighting . hockey dad rules . feel the drunken wrath of chuck shadowski . dad , stop . its only assault . dont make it murder . ignore . ignore . announcer you are a big man . big man . what . theres a ladybug in your hair . get it out . get it out . got it . youre a good friend , bart . the best youll ever have .  . do you know how much furniture we could rent with this . youll rent nothing . this money is mine . i found it . which means someone lost it . youll have to put up flyers and see if anyone claims it . marge , this is why people dont tell you things . well , we put up a flyer . lets see someone claim that money now . hey , what does that flyer say . what if its for guitar lessons . we must know . im on it . uh oh . you know the drill . try to land on my back fat . can you describe the bill . describe . sure . of course . whose pictures on it . it would have to be somebody famous . im gonna say , hitler . next . does the bill have bank teller blood on it . no , it doesnt . im sorry i wasted your time . thats the last of them . you did the right thing , bart . and now you can keep the money . sweet . what am i gonna do with . its barts moon party from outer space with r d playing the bass hmm . no ones touching the hors doeuvres . its barts moon party from outer space what . bart , why dont you spend the money on something for mom . she does so much for us . well , someday id like to go on a nice vacation . weve gone on plenty of great vacations . yeah . but you always wind up kidnapped or on a chain gang . and i dont even want to get into what happened on our honeymoon . homer i still dont know why you had that photo enlarged . oh , forget it . bart , dont waste your money on me . great , lady . milhouse look at the cross hatching on grover clevelands tie . i completely buy the illusion of shadow . this must be worth like a million dollars . times up . beat it , do rags . i want to see it some more . if you let me keep looking at it , ill give you a quarter . hmm . this gives me an idea . whats all this other stuff . hey , im charging five bucks to get in . they deserve to see the boy behind the bill . bart , that exhibit over there is biased , insensitive , and anti feminist . ugh . you cant whitewash history , lise . what do i get if i join the museum as a friend of bart . a subscription to bartforum magazine , and bart will say eat my shorts on your home answering machine . how much to have bart crank call me . that would be hilarious . thats just me , though . you know , i love to laugh . young man , i believe you have something that belongs to me . prove it , bony curtis . when the errant bill struck my chest , it left a distinctive bruise . had my heart been inside at the time , it couldve been fatal . bart its a perfect match . yoink . without that bill , this aint a museum . the hard rock cafe in phoenix has better crap . im recycling this pin in disgust . bart , your museum took in over . finally , i can get what ive always wanted . a used toyota . bart , i dont care what mom said . i think you should use this money to take her on a nice vacation . well okay . for mom , ill do it . where should we go . well , id like to return to brazil , but i hear the monkey problem is even worse now . i wanna go to england . how come . back in i was stationed over there . and i met a beautiful girl . edwina , my slowly opening flower , im shipping out in the morning . wont you make this night memorable . anything for you , my brave yank . edwina i say . ohhh . nice . abe little did i know i really was shipping out in the morning . ill never forget you , edwina . but i did until just now . grampa , thats so romantic . we gotta go to england . that sounds great . but only if your father promises to behave . marge , ill be on my best behavior . you have my word as a gentleman and a lady . now lets see . which rifle should i bring . hello . welcome to the united kingdom . prime minister tony blair . why are you greeting lowlifes like us at the airport . because i want to encourage all the world to come see the beauty of st century britain . would an american dollar encourage you to leave us alone . no . but thank you . tony l mean , mister prime minister , what shall we see first . theres so much to see here . parliament , stratford on , the white cliffs of dover . oh , and you americans love castles . theres a huge one in edinburgh , the city where i was born . the place i was born is now a gator farm . smashing . maybe you could give us a personal tour of your country . id love to but im late for an appointment . im greeting a lovely dutch couple at gate . cheerio . wow . i cant believe we met mr . bean . england is so classy . every cab has its own butler . actually , im not a butler . i had already hired this cab when you got in . but the more the merrier , and all that . make with the tea , jeeves . yes . very good , sir . were big shot tourists from everyones favorite country , the usa . we saved your ass in vietnam and shared our prostitutes with hugh grant . so give me some free maps and none of that dry british wit . i wouldnt dream of it , sir . thank you . hmm . did you spend an unforgettable night with a soldier from the us army in . you did . was he from the st infantry division . he was . and was he a gentle , caring lover . he was . sorry i bothered you . i dont know if im ever gonna find her . aw , dad . i wish there was something i could do . touch that mini bar and youre dead . oh look . its j . k . rowling , author of the harry potter books . youve turned a generation of kids on to reading . thank you , young muggle . can you tell me what happens at the end of the series . he grows up and marries you . is that what you want to hear . yes . all right , whos hungry . were right near a judi denchs fish chips . squeaky voiced british teen welcome to judi denchs fish chips . now completely free of mad fish disease . fish . i dont know . im not really a vegetarian . please order or miss denchll be furious . shell beat us , she will . judi dench who are you talking to . teen no one , mum . i swear . judi dench ill mum you . teen blimey . well , marge . you gotta admit , ive been on my best behavior this trip . you punched out three people on the street . that was over soccer results . can you believe they gave giggs a yellow card in the box . do you understand any part of what you just said . i understand the word gave , unless it means something else in this country . word to the wise . british candy is a bit sweeter than what youre used to across the pond . look , teabag , just fork over the brown . both mmm . homie , i dont think well be able to find the kids from up here . now , . lets just look . theres big ben . theres piccadilly circus . theres jimmy page , one of the greatest thieves of american black music who ever walked the earth . theres the kids . well , look at those filthy urchins . surely they could never be taught proper manners . one gold sovereign says i could do just that . its a bet , lord daftwager . you cant bet on my kids . this is america , pal . dont worry . well find more wagers . i love you , lord daftwager . yes . and i you . yes , quite . ohhh . look at all these classy british plays . i dont have a cherry orchard . sir lan mckellen . youre my favorite shakespearean actor . thank you , my dear . please take these free tickets to my play . what . what play . we thespians believe its bad luck to mention the name of this particular play out loud . you mean macbeth . quiet , you blundering fool . youll curse us all . what . by saying macbeth . stop saying it . saying what . macbeth . ah . now ive said it . ohhh . this is cool . macbeth . macbeth . macbeth . bart . stop saying macbeth . mom , you said macbeth . mr . macbeth , im really sorry . thats quite all right . you didnt know . now if youll excuse me , i have a performance to give . good luck . its bad luck to say that , too . homie , youre doing a great job driving on the left . this is turning out to be our most enjoyable trip ever . yes , this trip is entirely uneventful . dad , no . you turned into a roundabout . all whoa . whoa . marge turn , keep turning . keep turning , keep turning , keep turning . homer i see an opening . marge no , its too risky . well just wait till the traffic thins out . turn , . keep turning , keep turning , keep turning . keep turning , keep turning . thats it . im acting the way america acts best . unilaterally . ahhh . okay , im gonna go over there and see if theyre cool . okay , lets see . oh , you can buff that out . we can buff that out . thats factory error . oh , that thing is supposed to be on fire . lady , please . get back in your overturned car . let the guys handle this . well deal with him , your majesty . your majesty . dad , you rear ended the queen of england . the queen of what . man changing of the guard . homer wait . we have to exchange insurance . homer simpson , you are hereby charged with damaging the royal coach and putting several dents in the royal horse . how do you plead . mlord , we americans love queens . be they homecoming or dairy . this woman , however , is an imposter . her luggage is inscribed h . r . h . which means her real name must be henrietta r . hippo . why did you let him be his own barrister . what difference could it make . he hit the friggin queen . i guess its just too much for me to ask for one vacation where we dont go to jail or to a condo sales pitch . your honor , ive completely disappointed my wife . thats punishment enough . you understand these things . youre a grandmother . im a man . and a very manly one if i may say so , mlord . if i might say a word . i havent had an easy life . ive seen my country ravaged by war , my family torn by tragedy , and then as i was innocently making my way to the shops to buy light bulbs , i was blindsided by this great lumbering brute . boy , shes good . if she were years younger and i were years older oh . if there is any love left in you for me , destroy him . america rules . our beatles are way better than your precious rolling stones . in this cell sits homer simpson , the most villainous blackguard to be held in this tower since edward the puppy eater . look at his great staring eyes . like saucers they are . he claimed he was me father , he did . bart , youre not helping . poke the monster with a stick . tuppence a jab . come on , queue up , lads . oh , marge , i am so sorry . i shouldve listened to whatever it was you were saying . its partly my fault . ive been nagging you so much on this trip , you couldnt know which nags to focus on . well , marge , if i die here , theres one thing i want you to remember . dont buy any videotapes in england . they wont work in our vcr . dear god of england , please let me go . in return , i will spell the word color with a u . and i will use the metric system with every cubic milliliter of blood in my oh , i cant do it . its so stupid . bart dad . huh . oh . we found a secret tunnel out of the tower . it was used by sir walter raleigh . a secret tunnel . i dont know . wont that get me in more trouble . homer , you couldnt be in more trouble . theyre going to put your head on a pike . theyre practicing with melons . smash it on . dont worry it . let the pike do the work . okay , what do i do . push the gray brick in the back of the fireplace . sweet freedom , here i ahhh . put out the fire first . boy , its a good thing im leaving before i went nuts . goodbye , sparkly elves . all goodbye . oh , my god . weve made a terrible mistake . this tunnel comes out in the worst possible place . an elephants butt . yes , bart . an elephants butt . boy , a krispy kreme would really clean up down here . hey , this place is amazing . its fit for a duke , or even an earl oh . uh oh . the queens in trouble . and you didnt want to give her a whistle . please , your majesty . i know that i , like many other americans , have behaved like a total buffoon . but we americans are englands children . i know we dont call as often as we should and we arent as well behaved as our goody two shoes brother canada , who by the way has never had a girlfriend . im just saying . but please , find it in your jewel encrusted heart to forgive me . that was very sweet of the queen letting you go in exchange for taking madonna back to america . madonna im telling you , im english . english women dont pump gas naked . see you in atlanta , bitch . edwina abe simpson . are you leaving again without saying goodbye . edwina , you got my message . sorry i never saw you again . i just felt the cultural differences between us were too great . plus , as the boat pulled away from the dock , i thought you looked fat . you dont have to apologize , abe . you yanks saved our bacon . mmm . bacon . abe , this is my daughter abbey . shes this month . fifty eight . well , years ago , your mother and i were have oh . well , gotta go . see you in heaven . mummy , hes everything you said he was . lady , youre gorgeous . you make dame edna look like a dude . why , thank you . youre all right , love . springfield . okay . mothers day gift check . lets see what you got . i picked mom a bouquet of erigeron elatiors . daisies . flowers . hmm . oh yeah . lise , your stupid present will only last a week . mine will sit in the closet for years . bart , we made her the same thing . oh . this is even worse than you think . look . kids , were going mothers day shopping . im glad this holiday only comes every four years . lets see , what would she like . twenty on the trifecta . her wedding china back . i could get marge a new window just like this one . hey , dad , why dont we try the sprawl mart . yeah , i love sprawl mart . theyve got everything . even christian videos with talking vegetables . mighty yamses , we are weary of building your food pyramid . let my pickles go . mmm . moses . welcome to sprawl mart . grampa . you have a job . how dare you challenge my perceptions of what old people can do . im a greeter . im here to make every visit special . and to size up potential shoplifters . like i cant shoplift with my mouth . ha ha . wow . look at all this stuff . oh , look , jaclyn smith has her own line of axe heads . yeah , its impressive . but i still havent found the perfect gift for marge , only imperfect stuff for me . hey , look . its hairy ass tubman . well , if it isnt fatty and smell ma . your names cant hurt us . aunts patty and selma , can you help us pick out a mothers day gift . you can give her one of these , the kitchen carnival . we got one when we appeared on an episode of the price is right , which the network refused to air . apparently , were not tv pretty . wow . its a machine that makes carnival food at home . endorsed by the american carny association . wow . i never thought id say this , but you slags are all right . all this attention . i feel like a secretary on administrative professionals day . marge , youre gonna love my present . it is so thoughtful , it makes the kids gifts look like crap . kitchen carnival . i love it . thank you , homie . oh , marge , get a room . only my hairdresser knows for sure . hmm . dare i pour caramel over the cotton candy . im gonna pour caramel on my clothes . and then finally , i can eat my shorts . both ahhh . what is that . this is pounds of tooth melting sugar . dig in . thats it , kids . suckle daddys sugar ball . chief , that guy shouldnt be in the car pool lane . his passenger is just a big piece of candy . i wish mine was . what . nothin . homer , are you spooning that snack . thats my old lady . ants . birds . cats . flandereses . i was saving sugar for my wedding night . homie , its time you got rid of that thing . all that candy is rotting your brain . i think you should get rid of her . then we can be together forever . maybe youre right , marge . or maybe youre right , candy ball . no , marge . then again no , marge . definitely marge . goodbye , old friend . ill think of you whenever i have a stroke or a heart attack . doh . oh , my god . im gonna be killed by a bear . well , i guess i dont have to worry anymore about the dangers of smoking . smooth . homie , what happened to you . marge , please . im too upset to talk about it . but seeing you like this is more than i can bear . bear . ahhh . the angry president woke up , crawled out of his grave and went back to work . that sound can mean only one thing . its time for another installment of kents cowards . todays clip comes straight from the springfield dump . dad , you got attacked by a bear . i did a lot of stuff today . i went to starbucks . but you didnt see that on tape . that hilarious footage was shot by local hunter , grant connor . not with a gun , but with a camera . thats right , kent . i often get guns and cameras confused . one time , tragically , at a wedding i dont care if they think youre a coward , dad . you did the right thing hiding and crying . yeah . wed rather have a live sissy mincing around the house than some dead hero any day . choke on your candor . you can strangle bart , but you cant strangle your humiliation . its a deal . hey , simpson , i heard your dads afraid of a little , old , giant grizzly bear . the only thing my dads afraid of is paying child support . my dad once beat up six employees at kfc . and hed been up for three days . smithers homer simpson , report to mr . burns office immediately . ahhh . what a delightful practically based joke . hello . anyone home . marge . maggie . ahhh . oh , goldilocks . and the three bears . oh , god , theyre in our food . teddy grahams , gummi bears . are you a care bear . im an intensive care bear . why does a bear need a crowbar . i dont like to get my hands dirty . ahhh . crying in the corner , huh . mind if i join ya . no , go ahead . all right , thats enough , fraidy sue . heres what you gotta do . find that bear that whupped ya and whup him back . can i fight human style by slowly poisoning his environment until he loses his fur and becomes sterile . you cowardly swede . you face that bear like a man or ill never speak to you again . but how will i find out what you had for lunch in . i have a web site . abe welcome to my home page . why dont you visit more often . mr . simpson , if you want to find that bear that attacked you , use this . it tracks an electronic tag i stuck in the bears ear . its the same technology they use to keep tabs on gary busey . finally , science has joined forces with revenge . now listen . the bull grizzly is seven feet tall , weighs more than a mazda miata and can tear through a tree like a jewish mother through self esteem . next time you face him , you better have some way to protect yourself . its the eye of the tiger its the thrill of the fight risin up to the challenge of our rival and the lookin good . and i did it all without wasting money on one of those stupid welders masks . behold the ultimate in anti bear technology . the bear buster . available wherever fat men dream . oh , dear lord . check it out , ladies . a suit that makes me completely invulnerable to bear attacks . homer , theres no rear on that thing . i know . if i get really scared , i dont want to ruin the suit . now look here , mister . i forbid you to fight a bear . what kind of an example would i be if i didnt take revenge on things . dad , you cant take revenge on an animal . thats the whole point of moby dick . lisa , the point of moby dick is be yourself . youre not going and thats final . doh . fine . but do you know how ridiculous you look right now . marge , are you awake . marge . hmm . marge is sure gonna be steamed when she finds you missing . or dead . gentlemen , sometimes a man must put his marriage at risk for reasons that are confusing even to him . youre sneaking out to fight that bear . i want to go , too . no way . if something happens to me , you have to carry on the simpson name . screw that . when i grow up , im legally changing my name to joe kickass . that is so cool . all right , you can come . lisa , i think your father just left . and barts missing , too . ive got a bad feeling about this . lets check the suit closet . zoot suit , astronaut outfit , southern belle , renaissance dandy , country western octopus its gone . that man and his foolish pride . weve gotta go follow him . hmm . i just wanted to see what it was like . howdy , yall . if you dont like my song , ill spray you with ink . i never realized how hot this suit is . im sweating out all my bloodlust . why dont you take a bath in the river . this bear tracker stopped beeping a half hour ago . sweet . hey , the batteries are missing from this thing . yeah . we borrowed em for the radio . both skyrockets in flight , afternoon delight rub a , im washing the flub oh , my god . lenny . carl . bart . all rubbing sticks and stones together makes the sparks ignite and the thought of loving you is getting so exciting skyrockets in flight mr . connor , thank you for helping find my husband . i dont want my last words to him to be , clip your toenails , they look like fritos . mom . mom . stop the car . dad went to take a bath , and the bear carried him off . yeah . it almost wrecked the whole trip . maam , i will find your husband before that bear kills him . but first , a snack . i guess this is it . if im gonna die , im gonna die a man . is this thing hurting you . hmm . ahhh . okay , its probably the tag . but just to be sure . hey , youre not mean . it was just this tag that made you go ape scat . were not so different . gimme a hug . jeez , i dont know why bear hugs enjoy such a great reputation . i guess thats so , we dont have a lot but at least im sure of all the things we got babe i got you babe , i got you babe funny . oh , no . the hunter has become the hunter . he must be following this thing . well , im gonna make sure it never harms another living creature . man on radio a killer bear is on the loose in springfield forest . and local laughingstock homer simpson is missing and presumed mauled . wrong again , liberal media . man on radio a bounty has been placed on the rogue bear in the amount of . dont worry . ill find you someplace safe . the bear is no longer wearing his tracking device . and it looks like hes headed toward that wildlife sanctuary . is there any sign of my husband . hmm . your husband appears to be traveling with the bear . either as hostage or as what we call a forest bride . ew . okay . you want to go over there . hold on . something doesnt feel right . wait , stop . i know bullets can be scary sometimes . but i have an idea . first , we pull off all your fur . all right , all right . im still thinking . theyre looking for a male bear , right . oh . its so easy to condemn , so hard to create . okay , boys . that bears gonna make a dash for freedom , unless we take him down . yeah . all the way down . what you said didnt really add much . i know . i just wanted to belong . well , we all feel that way sometimes . its homer . dont shoot . go . go . its that bear . aim for the holes in the colander . he made it . hes finally protected from man . yeah . but now hes being attacked by an elephant . well , im proud of you , homie . you set out to fight an animal , and you ended up saving its life . what can i say . i love nature . circle of life . springfield . time to wizz in a foaming bowl of china a line for the bathroom . what gives . i dont know . but whoevers in there is taking their sweet ol time . son , can i have cuts . no . back cuts . okay . sweet . hey . wait a minute . if were all out here , whos in there . maggies locked inside . now calm down . ill just unlock it with this coat hanger . oh , god . its baby blood . dont worry . i know just what to do . bart , youre not hitting hard enough . how did you get her out . i tried the coat hanger again . i dont understand why we only try ideas once . the door . now ill never get to pee . dr . hibbert . ls someone seriously ill . oh , i wish . no , im here because of bob poochioni over there . two months ago , santas little helper paid a bootie call to my purebred poodle , rosa barks . and he had his eyes on her prize . im gonna drop that analogy now . all aw . well , im glad you think theyre cute because theyre your problem now . you just lost a box , pal . wait . santas little helper had puppies before . and then we got him neutered . we did . homer took him . didnt you . yeah well funny thing about that , on our way to the clinic , i decided to give him a night his wang would never forget . so lets dance the last dance lets dance the last dance lets dance this last dance tonight last dance last dance for love wanna play some air hockey . three hundred and fifty dollars an hour . youre on . i cant neuter you , boy . not after all weve been through . but from now on , you better save your lovin for the couch cushions . you broke our deal . we had an oral contract . stop it . stop it , stop it . you and lisa better go find homes for these puppies . and dont just dump them all off on some crazy lady . hes an irritable , walleyed , misfit , bastard . just like willie . hey , mister , would you like a puppy . no . but ill take one . okay . im going to cherish and care for this dog . and theres nothing you can do to stop me . seen it bad boring saw it on the plane rerun telemundo me turned it down abc banned from the set lame regis lets see , champagne or slim fast . boy , that really passes the time . want a puppy . hes at the peak of cuteness . you could nuzzle me all night . thats enough . i said thats enough . well , look at this . you dragged me back to my old neighborhood . and it hasnt changed a bit . dsl . dsl . who will buy my high speed connections . brazilian wax . get your velvety smooth , brazilian wax . hey , the jewish walk of fame . here , go on sandy koufax . i lost ten grand when he wouldnt pitch on yom kippur . i did five shows that night . okay , boy . lets find my star . albert einstein , lorne michaels . shari lewis . lamb chop . why aint i here . im a bigger name than chaim potok . what is he . some kind of klingon . im gonna get to the bottom of this . well , of course you deserve a star , krusty . let me just ask you a few questions . full name . herschel pinchas yoracham krustofski . good , . circumcision . and then some . date of bar mitzvah . well , i , uh you see , the truth is i never had one . no bar mitzvah . in the eyes of god and the springfield jewish walk of fame committee , you are not a jewish man . now see here . do you know how much i donate to the bnai brith . actually , i do . goodbye . krusty , whats wrong . i just found out im not jewish . oh , i was turned down by all those country clubs for nothing . well , youre still my hero . so what . everythings changed . i thought i was a self hating jew . but it turns out , im just a plain old anti semite . we have so much to discuss . now i know the reason my life is so empty . i never had a bar mitzvah . cheer up , krusty . youre a clue in the people magazine crossword puzzle . what more can a man want . bart , the bar mitzvah is the most important event in a jewish boys life . its when he reads from the torah and becomes a man . the sweet little shikses right . without a bar mitzvah , im just a boy with a prostate the size of a goats head . krusty , your dads a rabbi . how could you not have had a bar mitzvah . who knows . ive lived so hard , theres big gaps in my memory . i remember learning to ride a bike , then pretty much nothing till right now . why dont we ask your dad . yeah , right . my father will put this in a spiritual , philosophical context . ill tell you why you didnt have a bar mitzvah . its because youre a puts . everything is a joke to you . i was afraid youd make a mockery out of the whole ceremony , like youre making a mockery out of me right now . maybe i am but you cant argue with the laughs . so what . its not my job to make kids laugh . yes , it is . youre a clown . oh , without a bar mitzvah , im nothing . krusty , you can still have your bar mitzvah , as an adult . thatd be great . are you sure thats kosher . theres nothing in the talmud that forbids it . how do you know all this stuff . i have a jewish imaginary friend . her name is rachel cohen and she just got into brandeis . wonderful . hey , kids . i got a confession to make . underneath all this plastic surgery , i am actually a jew . and from now on , im embracing my faith . whats not to like . now ill teach you my traditions , the way my people have passed them down for centuries , through animation . mouse l tov . and thats what i believe in now . krusty , that was a great show . once i was clapping and the applause sign wasnt even on . hey , thats great . but i got a problem . this schedule has me working on saturdays . thats the sabbath . well , we could tape two shows on friday . are you nuts . i can barely get through one show on friday . even with the you know , smelling flowers . such expensive flowers , filled with remorse . anyway , we gotta book a guest host . how about jon stewart . hes a son , a lover and a pundit rolled into one sexy package . hed be perfect . so forget it . i need a guest host so bad , he can never replace me . i need someone whos not intelligent . not good looking . and so utterly repellent , he im your man . man , are you unpleasant . youre in . children , i wish to announce that our show has undergone a reformatting . lets get ready to listen quietly . now tonights guest host , the ultimate placeholder , homer simpson . welcome to the homer simpson show . im your host , next card . homer simpson , its great to be here in , next card . springfield , my guests are moe szyslak , local businessman , carl carlson , raconteur , and lenny leonard , three time juror . gentlemen , whats on your mind . dad , you have to say something . something meaningful . you ever notice how seats are too small for normal looking guys like me . theaters , airplanes . why even here . look . i could not agree more . never go on the teacup ride after eating at beauty and the beasts fried dough chateau . hey , i got a question . how come oldies stations are always playing the same song . how about some new oldies , geniuses . boy , these guys are right on the money . yeah . my neck is sore from agreeing so much . hey , baby . you looking for a good time , huh . go home , turn on your television , channel six . thanks for the tip . yeah , twins . i get it . now lets watch something im really interested in . who has more power . miss america or miss usa . i think ones elected and the other ones appointed . i think your water just broke . will you be quiet . now you cant mix milk and meat . you got that . and on christmas day , you must eat chinese food , and pork is strictly forbidden . oh oh . all these rules . i feel like im in a strip club . well , dad , what do you want to talk about tonight . hmm listen , homer , id like to raise an issue . why so formal , lenny . youre my go to guy . oh , about that . you know , ive been with this show from the beginning and i was , uh i was wondering if i could get a small cost of living raise . interesting . please welcome new panelist , barney gumble . that lights a little bright . you think you can move it . please welcome our newest panelist , disco stu . disco stu knows his place . my husbands a power mad star . maybe now we can get that padding that goes under rugs . very good . you just earned yourself a dr . browns . krusty , you know diane , stu , and jeremy from the network . hey , . hey , . hey , . krusty , weve got some bad news . we think youre super talented oh , god . youre canceling me . krusty , tv is a fickle business . youve had a good run . but homer simpsons a fresh face and youre not doing this fast enough . youre fired , too . im no . simpson , i hate to bother you when youre eating but youre always eating . will you sign an autograph for my boy . my pleasure . i eat legos . so did i , son . and look where i am today . boy , everybody loves my show . its great , dad . you have tremendous power . and now its time to put it to use . yes , youre right . duck , mister lincoln . thank you , homer . no , dad . i mean , you should use your time on the air to say things that really mean something . change the world for the better . i say live fast , die young , and leave a big fat corpse . well , i took barts advice last week , so i guess its lisas turn . now if youll excuse me you hit him high . ill hit him low . look , since my own network dumped me , i thought maybe i could do a show on fox . im sorry , krusty . people arent interested in stars anymore . they want reality . way ahead of ya . how about a show where girls think im a millionaire . but what they dont know is im rife with disease . okay , . how about one where i move in with a poor family and laugh at them . you see be okay , how about you televise my bar mitzvah . live . please , you people are known for taking chances on crap . you know , weve had a great time on this show riffing on small , unimportant subjects . now wait a minute . dirty words you can spell on your calculator is a very important subject . boobs . just like what girls got . well , thats all over now . from now on , we will focus solely on important issues . every year , the gulf between rich and poor nations gets larger . yet the lmf insists on unrealistic debt repayment schedules . this show stinks . i knew my son would blow it . wheres the remote . oh , it might as well be in china . man live from springfield stadium , its krusty the clowns wet n wild bar mitzvah . shalom , springfield . shalom . i cant schmear you . shalom . now to get you in the bar mitzvah mood , put your hands together for the beach boys experience . mezuzah , menorah reading from the torah pastrami , knishes , on two sets of dishes a church with no steeple for gods chosen people now lets meet a man whos muscle bound and a man whos bound not to eat mussels , mr . t and krusty the clown . t , i havent seen you since we roasted chevy chase . yeah . we were kind of rough on him . i feel bad for the guy . you pitied the fool . thats one way of putting it . time for me to get into character . lets scroll . baruch adonai hamvorach , fool . why should america consume of the worlds resources . argentina must devalue her currency to pay her debts . you cant leave . im your ride home . dad , you blew it . you listened to lisa and then you lost your stranglehold on the audience . ill audience you . so thats why bart has all those broken tracheal bones . tight bow tie , my ass . now ladies and gentlemen , put your hands together for the worlds largest potato pancake . thats a lot of latke . three , two , one , and youre canceled . strike the set . you have five minutes to get off the lot . oh dont worry . this will be quick and painless . there we go . oh homie . you may have lost your show but you went out in the classiest way possible . im proud of you . marge , i thank god every day you settled for me . hey , wheres my car . oh , over there . come on , homie . well go to the make your place . will you make my sundae for me . yes . thank you , cast of the lion king . and now for our grand finale , the superstar of david , mr . t . i pity the shul that wont let krusty in now . spin me , clown . i wish i had invested my money better . mmm krusty , the ratings were good . raymond re run good . great . but theres one thing thats still nagging at me . i want a real bar mitzvah in a temple . wonderful . im hungry . are they married yet . theyre not getting married . then whose garter is this . i was trying to hit the dentist . and now , finally , i am a man . i pity the fool who didnt bring an envelope to this bar mitzvah . springfield . happy thanksgiving from the entire channel family including kent brockman , whos contractually permitted to replace himself with a cardboard cutout . the real kent is in a rehab clinic . we all wish him the best again . i love the holiday season . see ya in spring , toes . and from all of us , best wishes for a joyous holiday season . now in the spirit of the season , start shopping . and for every dollar of krusty merchandise you buy , i will be nice to a sick kid . for legal purposes , sick kids may include hookers with a cold . its the most wonderful time of the year with the kids jingle belling and everyone telling you be of good cheer its the most wonderful time of the year hey , homer . im your secret santa . merry christmas , big guy . oh , my god . a dvd player . and the first season of magnum p . i . with commentary by john hillerman . apparently working in hawaii was a pleasure . oh , carl , you remembered i like tv . whos my secret santa . i think its homer . oh , yes , i am . your present is right in the other room homer come on , machine . take my dollar . fine . well play it your way . here you go , lenny . may the spirit of retsyn be with you all year long . god bless god . amen . this gift stinks . homer , youre the most selfish man i know . oh , come on . mister burns is way more selfish . that evil old bone bag smelling of death , nose like a vulture , followed everywhere by that kiss ass smithers . yes . that describes kathy in personnel to a tee . all right , everyone . its time for your christmas bon i . everyone gets a five dollar cafeteria voucher . and for your boy , a confectioners card featuring a current baseballer . its that rookie from the new york nine . homer joe dimaggio . yes . it seems theyve started letting ethnics into the big leagues . oh , look . its kathy . how are things in personnel . excellent . i need money for christmas . can i get anything for this joe dimaggio baseball card . its kind of old . im sorry . but im afraid your card is only worth everything ive got . everything . take it . oh , no . ive smudged it with nacho fingers . i must deftly lick it off . deftly thank you . freak . tv announcer and now we return to the holiday classic , christmas with the california prunes . yeah oh , pruny night the stars are sweetly wrinkled we are the fruit that your grandmother loves yeah this is offensive to christians and prunes . homer hey , everybody . were going shopping at the springfield heights promenade . thats the rich peoples mall . lets shop till we droop . i think thats drop . thats a very violent image , lisa . silver and gold mean so much more when i see first , well buy gifts for each other , then well spend the rest of the cash on a christmas tree so large , its absence from the forest will cause mudslides and flooding . all yay . cool , a toy store . awesome . im blasting all the state capitals . oh , take that , salem , oregon . wait a minute . this game is educational . thatll teach you to teach me . i think these are my homies size . excuse me . can i ask you a favor . perfect . ill take it . um , well do that . stand back when you open it . doing pretty good so far . a key ring for marge , key ring for bart that thing for me . oh , god . its so unnecessary . you have excellent taste . this is our finest talking astrolabe . it also comes with a notepad and pen that works upside down . im upside down so much . if i buy this , i wont have anything left for a christmas tree . astrolabe today is the birthday of comedienne margaret cho . thats the birthday im always forgetting . i must have it . what a mall . can we get our big christmas tree now . uh , sure , you know it . biggest tree from the finest lot in town . stupid jerk . dad , i dont like the looks of this neighborhood . its fine . now , everyone just relax , lock your doors , dont make eye contact with anyone , and listen to the radio . radio announcer now lets downshift into the holiday spirit with christmas convoy . man a star shone bright that silent night ninety miles out of manger town haulin gold and myrrh and frankincense three kings put the hammer down cause we got a christmas convoy , aint she a beautiful thing . weve gotta roll this truckin convoy to see the newborn king convoy king of the jews gorgeous , huh . and quite the bargain . isnt it kind of dry . oh , it just needs a little love . why do things i love always burn . isnt it sufficient . i thought we had enough money for a good tree . homer , is there something youre not telling us . astrolabe it is p . m . in montreal . the moon is waxing tonight . whats that . uh woo hoo . maggies talking . hmm you wasted our money on something extravagant for yourself . theres a trickledown theory here . if im happy , im less abusive to the rest of you . no , dad . this time you were just plain selfish . astrolabe i am not returnable . i will be testing my smoke alarm for the next three hours . this is sadder than tuesdays with morrie . come on , marge . im not the only selfish person . you have to get your hair done at supercuts . i guess regular cuts just isnt good enough for you . you just dont get it , do you . christmas is a time to think of others . but today , you showed you only care about yourself . thats not true . i cared what you thought once you found out . you can sleep on the couch tonight . cant you yell at me now and get it over with . no . im gonna parcel my anger out over the next few days and weeks , jabbing at you just when you seem the most content . oh . i dont need her . ive got you , astrolabe . colombias main export is coffee . exactly . tv announcer now back to the year santa got lost starring jimmy stewart as the voice of mister mailman . santa was in an awful pickle . beatniks had given drugs to the reindeer and they were no darn good . so santa placed a call to secretary of defense melvin laird . jimmy stewart as a puppet is just wrong . tv announcer and now back to mr . mcgrews christmas carol . mr . mcgrew . i love that blind senile old man . i cant find my way back to the home . i heard you the first five times . you work on christmas or youre out of a job . is that clear , cratchett . sir , im over here . woo hoo . sorry , pardon me , maam . i see youre expecting . may i listen to the babys heartbeat . oh , mcgrew . once again youve mistaken something for something . mcgrew , i am the ghost of christmas past . you are so selfish your fiancee is about to leave you . i dont need love . i have money . sweet , money , yes indeed . oh , my god . its like looking at a cartoon version of myself . spirit , surely there is some time to reform my selfish ways . come on , death . leave mcgrew alone . take tiny tim . no . unloved by al . no . unloved by all . no . dad , are you okay . children . children , what day is this . its saturday , december sixth . thank god . theres still four more days till christmas . i have time to reform my ways . i just saw the greatest cartoon of all time . it was about a miser who was visited by three ghosts at christmas . and get this . he learns a lesson . dad , what you saw was a christmas carol . it was written by charles dickens years ago . yeah . tv writers have been milking that goat for years . reform , ebenezer urkel . you have alienated everyone who loved you . did i do that . report , mr . sulu . captain , there appears to be some sort of spirit from an earth holiday past . mr . scott , fire photon torpedoes . its no use , captain . hes showin visions of me future . god , im so fat . i said fire . that last one looked kind of good . marge , tv and nightmares have joined forces to teach me a lesson . from now on , i will stop being selfish and start being good . in fact , ill be the nicest man in town . youve made that promise before . yes . but this time im sober ish . well , the hoboes sure will appreciate our old clothes and lima beans . no need , flanders . ive already given them my old clothes . good looking group . it looks like this town has a good sam logjam . these pants smell worse than my old pants . youre welcome . listen , lenny . i know i was a pretty bad secret santa so i wanted to make it up to you . a photo cube with pictures of us . and i filed down all the sharp corners . see . your eye is completely safe . oh , wow , it just stings a little . oops . marge , do you want this last pork chop . ive dreamed of the day youd say that . oh , your thoughtfulness tastes so good . and tears are the sweetest sauce . all right , now youre starting to creep me out . come on . why dont you just take my blood . yes , im old . oh , very nice , ned . but im afraid youre a distant second this week . im not looking for glory or wealth . im just buying that stairway to heaven jesus sang of . that was led zeppelin . get back to your bong , hippie . daddy , are you jealous of brother homer . maybe just a tad , todd . im jealous of girls because they get to wear dresses . one problem at a time , boy . homie , im so proud . you changed more than i couldve imagined . youre even covering your mouth when you burp . just like the pope . being unselfish is a natural high like hiking or paint thinner . and heres another act of christian charity i pulled out of my butt . i built a skating rink for the whole town . activate cloaking device . oh , im so depressed . engage candy bar . thank you . here come sandwiches here come sandwiches right down boozy bum lane brother neds got cheese on bread and a side order of shame . bells where the h e is everybody . heres your skates . oh , youll have to take off those boots . those are my feet . eew . oh , for the love of puppies . homer , youre the nicest guy in town . ha ha . your position has been usurped . usurped . you heard me . ha ha . youre sad at christmas . this just in , santa claus is dead . or he might as well be because theres an even fatter man whos holding families at nice point . homer simpson , seen here in this retouched photo . that homer just burns my waffles . pain is the cleanser . pain is the cleanser . excuse me . my car broke down . well , ill give you a jump . ill rotate your tires . ill even fold up that map for you . i know that can be a dickens of a doozie . back off , creep . i was looking for homer simpsons house . that tears it . ill show homer . im gonna be the nicest man this world has ever seen . i said man , not man god . keep your pants on . here you go , principal skinner , mrs . skinner . youre actually giving everyone in town a christmas present . whats your angle , pervert . oh ho . my angle is givin in this world , livin in the next . but how can you afford all this on a widowers salary . well , actually i picked up some extra cash renting out my house to a fraternity . rod stay out of our medicine cabinet . pathetic flanders . thinking he can buy peoples love with thoughtful gifts . cool . mister flanders gave me a krusty brand operation game . krustys voice you just tweezered my wang . ill show flanders . im gonna give everyone a car . whats that one good american car . dad , you dont have to outdo mister flanders . just remember the spirit of the season . is it despair . actually , most people now feel christmas has gotten too materialistic . in fact , as a buddhist , i believe people would be a lot happier without presents . hmm . youve given me a lot to think about . lisa people would be a lot happier without presents . presents are material goods , and attachment to material goods kills the soul . im not going to jail again . ive got it . when everyones asleep , ill take away their presents . then theyll be happy . thanks , buddha . i got your badge number . you better hope i never get out . homer youre a hero , homer j youre as crafty as a skunk theyll thank you in the morning for stealing flanders junk homer jay youre a double bacon genius burger and just a little drunk now to hear the joyous sound of people waking up on christmas to discover they have no presents . lenny hey , wheres my presents . woman some jerk stole christmas . oh , ive been robbed . man , so this is how it feels . id better see my shrink and rob his ass . someone snuck in and took our presents . do you think it was papa . i wouldnt put it past him . he stole my gold tooth the night he left . he didnt leave . he went to the store . and when he comes back , ill wave those pop tarts right in your face . they dont sound happy but here comes a mob shaking their fists in gratitude . get him . give back our presents , stupid man . your behavior , its like not sanctioned by any governing body . youre like wild . shouldnt you all be singing carols or something . stop . friends , what homer did was wrong but ive been thinking . maybe i was just as wrong to give you those gifts . hey . wait a minute , everyone . theres your christmas . up there . its a miracle . thats my last flare . somebody better come soon . oh , thank goodness . rescue dogs . and the angel said unto them , fear not , for behold , i bring you good tidings of great joy which shall be to all people stop that . you cant pray on city property . lets just say that on this day a million years ago , a dude was born who most of us think was magic . but others dont . and thats cool . but were probably right . amen . all amen . and now i think the only thing left to do is return all your gifts . ned . itd be my pleasure , homer . oh , joy . lets see what we got here . its a new brassiere . but i dont even have them , but okay . ill make pretend . what a great christmas . not even moes annual suicide attempt can ruin it . i aint got all day , drama queen . get it over with . i will . and then youll all wish you was nicer to me . who am i kidding . i aint gonna jump . hark , the herald angels sing glory to the new born king peace on earth and mercy mild god and sinners reconciled astrolabe today is the birthday of our lord , jesus christ , and singer barbara mandrell . merry christmas . springfieldspringfield . co . ukviewepisodescripts . php . tv showthe . springfield . happy thanksgiving from the entire channel family including kent brockman , whos contractually permitted to replace himself with a cardboard cutout . the real kent is in a rehab clinic . we all wish him the best again . i love the holiday season . see ya in spring , toes . and from all of us , best wishes for a joyous holiday season . now in the spirit of the season , start shopping . and for every dollar of krusty merchandise you buy , i will be nice to a sick kid . for legal purposes , sick kids may include hookers with a cold . its the most wonderful time of the year with the kids jingle belling and everyone telling you be of good cheer its the most wonderful time of the year hey , homer . im your secret santa . merry christmas , big guy . oh , my god . a dvd player . and the first season of magnum p . i . with commentary by john hillerman . apparently working in hawaii was a pleasure . oh , carl , you remembered i like tv . whos my secret santa . i think its homer . oh , yes , i am . your present is right in the other room homer come on , machine . take my dollar . fine . well play it your way . here you go , lenny . may the spirit of retsyn be with you all year long . god bless god . amen . this gift stinks . homer , youre the most selfish man i know . oh , come on . mister burns is way more selfish . that evil old bone bag smelling of death , nose like a vulture , followed everywhere by that kiss ass smithers . yes . that describes kathy in personnel to a tee . all right , everyone . its time for your christmas bon i . everyone gets a five dollar cafeteria voucher . and for your boy , a confectioners card featuring a current baseballer . its that rookie from the new york nine . homer joe dimaggio . yes . it seems theyve started letting ethnics into the big leagues . oh , look . its kathy . how are things in personnel . excellent . i need money for christmas . can i get anything for this joe dimaggio baseball card . its kind of old . im sorry . but im afraid your card is only worth everything ive got . everything . take it . oh , no . ive smudged it with nacho fingers . i must deftly lick it off . deftly thank you . freak . tv announcer and now we return to the holiday classic , christmas with the california prunes . yeah oh , pruny night the stars are sweetly wrinkled we are the fruit that your grandmother loves yeah this is offensive to christians and prunes . homer hey , everybody . were going shopping at the springfield heights promenade . thats the rich peoples mall . lets shop till we droop . i think thats drop . thats a very violent image , lisa . silver and gold mean so much more when i see first , well buy gifts for each other , then well spend the rest of the cash on a christmas tree so large , its absence from the forest will cause mudslides and flooding . all yay . cool , a toy store . awesome . im blasting all the state capitals . oh , take that , salem , oregon . wait a minute . this game is educational . thatll teach you to teach me . i think these are my homies size . excuse me . can i ask you a favor . perfect . ill take it . um , well do that . stand back when you open it . doing pretty good so far . a key ring for marge , key ring for bart that thing for me . oh , god . its so unnecessary . you have excellent taste . this is our finest talking astrolabe . it also comes with a notepad and pen that works upside down . im upside down so much . if i buy this , i wont have anything left for a christmas tree . astrolabe today is the birthday of comedienne margaret cho . thats the birthday im always forgetting . i must have it . what a mall . can we get our big christmas tree now . uh , sure , you know it . biggest tree from the finest lot in town . stupid jerk . dad , i dont like the looks of this neighborhood . its fine . now , everyone just relax , lock your doors , dont make eye contact with anyone , and listen to the radio . radio announcer now lets downshift into the holiday spirit with christmas convoy . man a star shone bright that silent night ninety miles out of manger town haulin gold and myrrh and frankincense three kings put the hammer down cause we got a christmas convoy , aint she a beautiful thing . weve gotta roll this truckin convoy to see the newborn king convoy king of the jews gorgeous , huh . and quite the bargain . isnt it kind of dry . oh , it just needs a little love . why do things i love always burn . isnt it sufficient . i thought we had enough money for a good tree . homer , is there something youre not telling us . astrolabe it is p . m . in montreal . the moon is waxing tonight . whats that . uh woo hoo . maggies talking . hmm you wasted our money on something extravagant for yourself . theres a trickledown theory here . if im happy , im less abusive to the rest of you . no , dad . this time you were just plain selfish . astrolabe i am not returnable . i will be testing my smoke alarm for the next three hours . this is sadder than tuesdays with morrie . come on , marge . im not the only selfish person . you have to get your hair done at supercuts . i guess regular cuts just isnt good enough for you . you just dont get it , do you . christmas is a time to think of others . but today , you showed you only care about yourself . thats not true . i cared what you thought once you found out . you can sleep on the couch tonight . cant you yell at me now and get it over with . no . im gonna parcel my anger out over the next few days and weeks , jabbing at you just when you seem the most content . oh . i dont need her . ive got you , astrolabe . colombias main export is coffee . exactly . tv announcer now back to the year santa got lost starring jimmy stewart as the voice of mister mailman . santa was in an awful pickle . beatniks had given drugs to the reindeer and they were no darn good . so santa placed a call to secretary of defense melvin laird . jimmy stewart as a puppet is just wrong . tv announcer and now back to mr . mcgrews christmas carol . mr . mcgrew . i love that blind senile old man . i cant find my way back to the home . i heard you the first five times . you work on christmas or youre out of a job . is that clear , cratchett . sir , im over here . woo hoo . sorry , pardon me , maam . i see youre expecting . may i listen to the babys heartbeat . oh , mcgrew . once again youve mistaken something for something . mcgrew , i am the ghost of christmas past . you are so selfish your fiancee is about to leave you . i dont need love . i have money . sweet , money , yes indeed . oh , my god . its like looking at a cartoon version of myself . spirit , surely there is some time to reform my selfish ways . come on , death . leave mcgrew alone . take tiny tim . no . unloved by al . no . unloved by all . no . dad , are you okay . children . children , what day is this . its saturday , december sixth . thank god . theres still four more days till christmas . i have time to reform my ways . i just saw the greatest cartoon of all time . it was about a miser who was visited by three ghosts at christmas . and get this . he learns a lesson . dad , what you saw was a christmas carol . it was written by charles dickens years ago . yeah . tv writers have been milking that goat for years . reform , ebenezer urkel . you have alienated everyone who loved you . did i do that . report , mr . sulu . captain , there appears to be some sort of spirit from an earth holiday past . mr . scott , fire photon torpedoes . its no use , captain . hes showin visions of me future . god , im so fat . i said fire . that last one looked kind of good . marge , tv and nightmares have joined forces to teach me a lesson . from now on , i will stop being selfish and start being good . in fact , ill be the nicest man in town . youve made that promise before . yes . but this time im sober ish . well , the hoboes sure will appreciate our old clothes and lima beans . no need , flanders . ive already given them my old clothes . good looking group . it looks like this town has a good sam logjam . these pants smell worse than my old pants . youre welcome . listen , lenny . i know i was a pretty bad secret santa so i wanted to make it up to you . a photo cube with pictures of us . and i filed down all the sharp corners . see . your eye is completely safe . oh , wow , it just stings a little . oops . marge , do you want this last pork chop . ive dreamed of the day youd say that . oh , your thoughtfulness tastes so good . and tears are the sweetest sauce . all right , now youre starting to creep me out . come on . why dont you just take my blood . yes , im old . oh , very nice , ned . but im afraid youre a distant second this week . im not looking for glory or wealth . im just buying that stairway to heaven jesus sang of . that was led zeppelin . get back to your bong , hippie . daddy , are you jealous of brother homer . maybe just a tad , todd . im jealous of girls because they get to wear dresses . one problem at a time , boy . homie , im so proud . you changed more than i couldve imagined . youre even covering your mouth when you burp . just like the pope . being unselfish is a natural high like hiking or paint thinner . and heres another act of christian charity i pulled out of my butt . i built a skating rink for the whole town . activate cloaking device . oh , im so depressed . engage candy bar . thank you . here come sandwiches here come sandwiches right down boozy bum lane brother neds got cheese on bread and a side order of shame . bells where the h e is everybody . heres your skates . oh , youll have to take off those boots . those are my feet . eew . oh , for the love of puppies . homer , youre the nicest guy in town . ha ha . your position has been usurped . usurped . you heard me . ha ha . youre sad at christmas . this just in , santa claus is dead . or he might as well be because theres an even fatter man whos holding families at nice point . homer simpson , seen here in this retouched photo . that homer just burns my waffles . pain is the cleanser . pain is the cleanser . excuse me . my car broke down . well , ill give you a jump . ill rotate your tires . ill even fold up that map for you . i know that can be a dickens of a doozie . back off , creep . i was looking for homer simpsons house . that tears it . ill show homer . im gonna be the nicest man this world has ever seen . i said man , not man god . keep your pants on . here you go , principal skinner , mrs . skinner . youre actually giving everyone in town a christmas present . whats your angle , pervert . oh ho . my angle is givin in this world , livin in the next . but how can you afford all this on a widowers salary . well , actually i picked up some extra cash renting out my house to a fraternity . rod stay out of our medicine cabinet . pathetic flanders . thinking he can buy peoples love with thoughtful gifts . cool . mister flanders gave me a krusty brand operation game . krustys voice you just tweezered my wang . ill show flanders . im gonna give everyone a car . whats that one good american car . dad , you dont have to outdo mister flanders . just remember the spirit of the season . is it despair . actually , most people now feel christmas has gotten too materialistic . in fact , as a buddhist , i believe people would be a lot happier without presents . hmm . youve given me a lot to think about . lisa people would be a lot happier without presents . presents are material goods , and attachment to material goods kills the soul . im not going to jail again . ive got it . when everyones asleep , ill take away their presents . then theyll be happy . thanks , buddha . i got your badge number . you better hope i never get out . homer youre a hero , homer j youre as crafty as a skunk theyll thank you in the morning for stealing flanders junk homer jay youre a double bacon genius burger and just a little drunk now to hear the joyous sound of people waking up on christmas to discover they have no presents . lenny hey , wheres my presents . woman some jerk stole christmas . oh , ive been robbed . man , so this is how it feels . id better see my shrink and rob his ass . someone snuck in and took our presents . do you think it was papa . i wouldnt put it past him . he stole my gold tooth the night he left . he didnt leave . he went to the store . and when he comes back , ill wave those pop tarts right in your face . they dont sound happy but here comes a mob shaking their fists in gratitude . get him . give back our presents , stupid man . your behavior , its like not sanctioned by any governing body . youre like wild . shouldnt you all be singing carols or something . stop . friends , what homer did was wrong but ive been thinking . maybe i was just as wrong to give you those gifts . hey . wait a minute , everyone . theres your christmas . up there . its a miracle . thats my last flare . somebody better come soon . oh , thank goodness . rescue dogs . and the angel said unto them , fear not , for behold , i bring you good tidings of great joy which shall be to all people stop that . you cant pray on city property . lets just say that on this day a million years ago , a dude was born who most of us think was magic . but others dont . and thats cool . but were probably right . amen . all amen . and now i think the only thing left to do is return all your gifts . ned . itd be my pleasure , homer . oh , joy . lets see what we got here . its a new brassiere . but i dont even have them , but okay . ill make pretend . what a great christmas . not even moes annual suicide attempt can ruin it . i aint got all day , drama queen . get it over with . i will . and then youll all wish you was nicer to me . who am i kidding . i aint gonna jump . hark , the herald angels sing glory to the new born king peace on earth and mercy mild god and sinners reconciled astrolabe today is the birthday of our lord , jesus christ , and singer barbara mandrell . merry christmas . springfield . singles , seniors , childless couples and teens , and gays the simpsons se episode script marge vs . singles , seniors , childless couples and teens , and gays the simpsons doh . thats a salt water croc , the largest reptile in the world . oh , crikey . shes got me by the dangle down . this naughty little sheila can snap a mans ribcage like like that . hey , im watching that . not anymore . announcer on tv malibu stacey wants a craft room and malibu ken needs a closet for all his beach thongs . theyll get help from designer jeremy on , dollhouse do overs . well also show you how to turn a shoebox into a you box . oh , i missed the feeding frenzy . i hope youre happy . obviously , yes . man on tv bobby , i got propane in my urethra . announcer on tv well be right back with who will marry a million bears . i like ice cream i like ice cream how about you . look , maggie . a show for babies . topped with chocolate syrup whipped cream too mom , thats roofi . his music is why babies are idiots . well , maggie likes roofi . and babies only like good things . why dont you let us watch tv and get her a roofi cd . bart . ap cray . ap cray . roofi one , two , tie your shoe three , four , pick up the floor five , six , dont play tricks seven , eight , clean your plate nine , ten , start over again . one , two , tie your shoe three , four , pick up the floor five , six , dont play tricks its on batteries . clean your plate nine , ten , start over again . backed up by solar power . three , four , pick up the floor five , six , dont play tricks seven , eight , clean your plate nine , ten , start over again . look , maggie . funny daddy . too hard . nine , ten , start over again . one , two , tie your shoe three , four , pick up the floor five , six three , four , pick up the floor time to go home , bart . you dont understand . i cant go home . you got to give me detention . look . i fed the gerbil coffee . ah . please , make me write something on the chalkboard a thousand times . we all got tired of that chalkboard years ago . now go home . so he went upstairs and knocked on the door theres a helpful bear on the th floor twenty eighth floor , twenty eighth floor theres a helpful bear on the th floor aw . look how happy she is . her eyes arent focused . it makes her happy . so does sucking on the dog . hello , springfield . roofi is coming to your town . one show only . tickets will go fast , very fast . so your parents should be getting in line . if you dont come , roofi will be sad . and the helpful bear , she will die . tickets , buy them now roofi he will show you how visa , amex or mc or make out that check to me . give daddy the remote , maggie . give daddy the doh . oh , wise guy , eh . marge i got the roofi tickets . i got them fair and square and i kept my dignity , not like janies mom . whatever . this concert is oversold . its as if a music promoter acted unscrupulously . announcer and now , our opening act , in their first live show since tinky winky was acquitted of manslaughter . not guilty . the teletubbies . custard . custard . custard . they make the blue man group look like mummenschanz , which is still pretty good . oh , the second one wants custard , too . thats a little repetitive . oh , no . its raining . and maggies diapers are extra absorbent . hows the crowd , steve . awful fussy . you kidding me . did you make funny faces . you did . well , did you jiggle your keys . i did it all , man . announcer and now , heres roofi . sing the nonsense song with me yum wow woop de we flibberty flabberty one two three ow . okay , who threw that . who threw it . reporter on tv a play date with disaster at cletus farm . im at the first aid tent where overwhelmed doctors are trying to sort out the owies from the boo boos . now im told we have the leader of the babies on the line . tyler , is there a peaceful solution possible . all right , thats it . shows over . five , six , so long , hicks . whoa , . you dont want to go in there . some of those babies have their teeth . and those super sharp little fingernails . better leave it to the professionals . i dont feel right clubbing women and children , chief . i hear ya . some days are tougher than others . just close your eyes and club . clancy this is it , boys . well have to tummy kiss our way out . lou this is a bouncer one here , chief . kent babys got backlash . springfield citizens are outraged about the destruction caused by the bad babies . bad babies , yes , you was . they destroyed my home and the equity id built up therein . asked if he intends to take legal action , the farmer replied , i aint fungified hidee hoo about no legrification noways , then scratched his rear , hitched up his pants , and scratched his rear again . that riot has far reaching consequences . kabul refuses to be our sister city anymore . i have no sister city . the babies damage exceeds million . which will now be sucked out of your pockets . man my loose change . let me now introduce a woman who wants to make sure that what i just did never happens again . good evening . im lindsay naegle . and i am the founder of ssccatagapp . singles seniors childless couples and teens and gays against parasitic parents . catchy name . were tired of picking up the bills for other peoples kids . we already pay millions every year in school taxes . crowd yeah . excuse me , everyone . im a mother . and im an american . crowd yeah . i bake apple pies . crowd yeah . and i love baseball . save your breath for blowing up water wings , breeder . i dream of an america with nudity and f words on network tv . where the whole world doesnt stop because a school bus did . children are the future . today belongs to me . crowd yeah . you cant change the rules in the middle of the game . we never wouldve had these kids if we thought we had to pay for them . promises were made . tough tortellini . im sick of printing a childrens menu . let mickey meatball find his own way out of the maze . were tired of buying overpriced tickets for your lousy school plays . then how would we ever get to see camelot . well merely watch the movie on tape . is that better . to me , ralph wiggum is sir lancelot . if ever i would leave you it wouldnt be in summer . ladies and gentlemen , lets kill every child friendly thing in town . its time to put away childish things and become a man . man talkin bout my generation i hope i die before i get old calculator y . y . y . why dont you all fade away talkin bout my generation and dont try to dig what we all say kent kids are people , too . worthless incomplete people . thats the battle cry as single springfield ites are continuing to run roughshod over children and families . from now on , children acting up in public places will be lightly tased . child mommy , pick me up . i wasnt kidding . and in downtown springfield , a statue is being erected to americas most misunderstood hero , the deadbeat dad . thats all . just a statue . this country makes me sick . sign , everywhere a sign blockin out the scenery breakin my mind do this , dont do that cant you read the sign . gamble , . oh , yeah . miss naegle , im sorry to surprise you like this . but i thought if we met face to face , we could settle our differences . well , lets make it quick . i know you have to get back to your kids and im late for a skydiving massage . ill cut to the chase . ive brought with me the very best reason i can think of for what i believe in . her name is lisa . and i wouldnt trade her for all the sleep in sundays and speed dating in the world . miss naegle , even though i disagree with your principles , i certainly admire your success . well , lisa , i would be proud if one of the eggs i sold turned out like you . mom , i locked your keys in the car . then wait in the shadows . also maggie puked in your purse again . poor me . all my purse is full of is disposable income . sorry , marge . i dont think ill ever understand your point of view . not even with all my free time . then i guess this means war with the most powerful weapon at my disposal , a voter sponsored initiative . you wouldnt dare . ive already drawn up the petition . well , im not worried . you wont get that thing on the ballot until the november general election . no . the march primary . mom , can we get a pretzel . weve got pretzels at home . not cinnamon . well , we finally got things the way we want them . not a highchair or complementary crayon in sight . im gonna tell an anecdote about lovemaking without having to look around . truly we have entered a golden age . marge attention , everyone . i wish to announce the formation of ppassccatag . proud parents against singles , seniors , childless couples and teens and gays . ppassccatag is also a disease of the brainstem . thats how ill remember it . to overturn these horrible anti family laws , weve prepared the families come first initiative . now , the first thing were gonna need is money . im so sorry , marge . but i guess you get the bill . oh , for the love of pizza . luigi risotto . thats me . im from the us immigration department . save our families . sign our petition . the only petitions that i sign are to bring back canceled sitcoms . thank you . america needs the wisdom of hermans head now more than ever . well , howdy , maam . i represent the tobacco lobby . and frankly , no politics gets done in this country without a little help from us . now we own you . but i havent endorsed it yet . football injury . now why dont you just sign the check . here , use my pen . forget it . i guess no one gives a damn about the american family anymore . ill sign your petition . mr . burns . you care about children . yes . particularly their supple young organs . oh , unfenced backyard pools , where would i be without you . hey , if burns is signing that petition , maybe we should , too . yeah . rich guys always want whats best for everyone . coming up later , what your dog can tell you about your prostate . but first , marge simpsons families come first initiative seems to be gaining steam . leading her opponents to counter with this commercial . as a mother , i love my family . thats why im against the families come first initiative . families come first will hurt families . and i love my family too much for that . im marge simpson , and even im against families come first . now its time to do some coke off the blade of a knife . that ad makes me look like a criminal . then why did you appear in it . that wasnt me . maybe she was you and youre not . how many kids do we have . three . wrong , lady . oh , wait . the baby . marge i try my best . they ridicule me . they mock everything i cherish . honey , this marriage is a partnership . when you fall , i pick you up . and when you cant finish a sandwich , i eat that sandwich . youre my rock , homie . and i promise this rock is gonna weigh you down for the rest of your life . aw . honey , no one messes with my missus . ill come down on those guys like the garage door on barts bike . what are you going to do . you just leave everything to homer . and now i believe you owe me half a sandwich . i always keep one near the bed for you . here comes my commercial . in six , five , four i probably shouldve watched it first . homer youve probably heard a lot of bad things about families come first . but newspaper writers are a bunch of jerks . who really opposes families come first . many childless advocates are like ben affleck . famous , successful people from out of state . they live in fancy houses in other places . families come first is supported by life long springfieldians you know and trust . like me , milhouses dad , bumblebee man , surly duff , and that jerk that goes , yes . for more information , visit our were not affiliated . were just piggy backing on their message board . i am rudy giuliani . do as i command you . i am rudy giuliani . do as i command you . it says , yes on . we want no on . yes on . either way . the important thing is the system works . and the bumper stickers misspelled on . they all say , yes no . and its the night before the election and you havent handed them out . i need to be alone right now . marge , wait . i am rudy giuliani . you must forgive homer . i am rudy giuliani . you must forgive homer . i am bart , were gonna lose . we have to do something . lisa , kids are the problem . maybe kids can be the solution . okay . but how . hey , im the visionary . you come up with the nuts and bolts . hmm oh , my god . i just had my most brilliant idea ever . dont you mean my most brilliant idea ever . you dont even know what the idea is . i know you have an ugly face . bart , why are we fighting . because were kids . kids . maybe thats the answer . theres the enemy . give them all you got . i love you . i love glue . i love you . aw . such a sweet little thing . time to destroy your future . feeling flu ish, , fever , nausea , child germs . no . must participate in democratic process . im afraid the polls have closed . and on prop the winner is yes . for all their disposable income , for all their leisure time , they had no immunity against gods lowliest creatures , children . looks like everythings back the way it was which is the only way it should ever be . great . lets dump these kids in an r rated movie while we go someplace nice . can i bring my laser pointer . what do i care . roofi one , two , tie your shoe three , four , pick up the floor five , six , dont play tricks seven , eight , clean your plate nine , ten , start over again . one , two , tie your shoe three , four , pick up the floor five , six , dont play tricks seven , eight , clean your plate nine , ten , start over again . one , two , tie your shoe three , four , pick up the floor five , six , dont play tricks seven , eight , clean your plate nine , ten , start over again . springfield . bart , i got it . i ran here as fast as i bart , that creepy kid is here . hey , milhouse . oh , whats this . oh , wow . thisll look great on my bike . flame decal for the chain guard , marine corps tassels , bullet proof seat , and a rub on tattoo for that special someone . thats me . oh . man why dont you come with me , little girl on a magic carpet ride now to turn on the moto mimic . it sounds like a motorcycle gang . and we dont have backup . wed better lay low . but chief , what if they like pizza . way ahead of you , lou . that is one bitchin bike . daddy said a cuss word . lighten up , roddy . nelson ha ha . its the baby bike brigade . hey , bart . i used to have a bike like that . back before i was born . oh , no . theyve got big boy bikes . thanks for the tassels . my mom can wear these on her boobs at work . hey , give those back . gentlemen , first gear . oh , man , i sure wish i had a ten speed bike . a ten speed bike . what did your mother say . she said , yes . marge i said no . im confused . which is it . marge its no . his old bike is fine . yeah , the kitchen ladys right . no new bike while your old one still works . i see . so if my old bike didnt work , i would automatically get a new one . thats right . no questions asked . boy , im really gonna miss you . weve really had some great oh . a mercedes . dr . hibbert what the halle berry . yes . my bike . my crappy , bike . im very sorry , bart . ill pay for a new bike . this was a wakeup call . from now on , ill keep my eyes on the road and off my kool the gang air freshener . celebrations over , boys . snowball . snowball ll , i cant believe youre gone . i wrote this poem for you . its called cat math . four paws , plus one tail , plus nine lives equals one special cat . one special cat minus nine lives equals one sad little girl . i know how you feel , lise . no kid wants to outlive their pet . oh , sweetie , when i was your age , i lost my guinea pig , cinnamon . and i thought the pain would never oh , cinnamon . it shouldve been me who chewed through that extension cord . there , youre both right . son , would you like to ride your new bike out of the store . can i . for true . for true , son . hey , pally . i dont want to downshift your enthusiasm but thats a floor model . your bike is in here . i could put it together right now for a small assembly fee . here we go . now it starts with the fees . ill assemble it myself . dad , no . think of the bike . i can make a bike . i made you . yeah , great workmanship . hey , thats gonna win you a lot of bar bets someday . man , this is so confusing . what the hell is this . oh . bikes over there . you actually did it . youre the coolest , dad . look what my dad just built for me . all whoa . hey , guys . this butts for you . oh , no . no one does this to dolph . no one . uh oh . whoa . im riding a unicycle with my pants down . this should be every boys dream . ha ha . your dads not handy . son , are you okay . i brought a homemade first aid kit . its spring loaded for quick access . oh announcer on tv we now return to robot rumble on the testosterone network . all right . announcer on tv congratulations to our winning father and son team , who will receive a free appetizer at fuzzy zoellers green jacket steakhouse . and you wont be teed off when you come in because our steaks are cooked to par fection . our leader bar is filled with scrumptious two more pages . im not reading this . hey , boy . what do you say we build a robot . face it . youre not the most mechanical guy in the world . but youre good at other things like eating while driving . thats something . and nobody gets madder at the news . first of all , thank you . secondly my son thinks im an oaf . mom , im not sure im ready for a new cat . when bad things happen to cute children says that a new pet will pull you out of your sorrow cycle . that book doesnt know how i feel . oh , its very wise . its written by a rabbi , who surfs . all right . ill look . too fluffy , too siamese , too needy , too stuck up . infected eye , clearly a skunk . meow . welcome to the family , snowball lll . theres nothing worse than the look on a boys face when he says , dad , i dont think you can build a fully functional robot . robot , i command you , do something cool . oh . i could quit now , but then my son will never look up to me . oh , why was i born a dad . why do i suck . wait a minute . what is it my dad always said to me . if you cant build a robot , be a robot . thats it . krusty clock its tuesday , the first . if you live in krusty brand low income housing , your rent is due . dear bart , if this robot doesnt prove i love you , then you can both go to hell . hey , it didnt fall apart . cool . now stop . smash this six pack . oh , awesome . i gotta tell milhouse . oh , the beers gone . ill have to suck it out of the shag . you plop the cat food down you toss the tin can out you drop the worm pills in and you stir it all about you add a lot of lovin and you serve it to your cat thats what its all snowball lll . oh , lisa . honey , its okay . youre a buddhist . so you know your cats are now reincarnated as a higher form of life . like a dog or a snowman . ashes to ashes , dust to dust . we gotta go fight some robots . come on , homer . how long does it take to go to the bathroom . huh . dear bart homer id love to be with you . but i just remembered an old army buddy has come to town . will meet you later . love , dad . well , i wish homer was here . but dont worry . ive got a name all picked out for you . chief knock a , lets win this one for dad . announcer in this corner , operated by frank murray and little frankie junior , buzzkill . and in this corner , the challenger . chief knock a . theres no love lost between these emotionless devices . robots rumble . go , . go . go . oh , jeez . im the only one in the audience over . are you here with your children , sir . yeah , my two kids , screw and you . announcer whats this . knock a has dropped his hammer . doin it for the boy . pain is love . to bleed is to care . announcer can robots feel pain . if so , we are horrible , people . hes killing him softly with his saw . killing him softly . with his saw . woo hoo . i mean , beep beep . mom , im not sure if im ready to open my heart again . but this kittens name is coltrane . maybe its a sign . coltrane . lisa , im glad youre ready to love again . but a kitty needs a proper name , like whiskers or paws skaggs . well , i think its only fair i get to name him . you got to name me . you should be glad i did . your father wanted to call you bartzina . coltrane , would you like to hear some music written by your namesake . coltrane . coltrane , you were with us only briefly but we will always have the ride home from the shelter . and , um , i guess thats it . amen . and lord , if you think im making lemon bars for your bake sale sunday , you better stop killing our cats . mom , im not sure god responds to threats and intimidation . its the only way to talk to bullies . then knock a did three victory laps and pretended to drink a beer . pretended . dad , what are all those cuts . various bug bites and wounds . now stop interrupting your brother . in my day , mechanical men had funnel heads and showed respect . then it all changed when they got the vote and started tinkering with our memories . there he sits with a pen and a yellow pad what a handsome lad thats my boy b r spells mom and dad well , that aint too bad cause thats my boy well , you can have your tv and your nightclubs and you can have your drive in picture show announcer well , if you ever want to see a mailbox shoot a boy , thats about as close as youre gonna get . dad , it was so great . knock a really took a pounding but then he won . not so rough , bart . daddy cant handle so much love right now . this robots the greatest thing youve ever done for me . i cant believe youve never seen him fight . well , ive been busy , son . they really need me over at the nuclear plank . well , the next match is saturday . can you come then . i dont think so , son . but on the other hand , i may be closer than you think . oh . so much metal in my eye . ladies and gentlemen who am i kidding . just gentlemen , join us next week for our title bout when knock a will try to unseat five time defending champion smashius clay , aka killhammad aieee . our robot can kick that robots ass . right , dad . dad . oh , no . my recurring nightmare is coming true . there are many people id like to thank for this award . my wife anjelica houston . this is for you , angie . we did it . robot speeches cannot be longer than seconds . now , a tribute to those who have left us this past year . bart sure hes tough but hes never come up against a wooden mallet . listen , son . theres something i have to tell you about our robot . there it is . the thing that makes us respect bart . you guys are just in time . my dads about to tell me something important about our robot . uh i just installed a chip that makes it more bloodthirsty . all right . and if anything happens to me , i want you bullies to take care of my boy . dont worry . ill raise him like the mean streets raised me . i wish i had bullies like you growing up . hey , . these catsd rather take their chances in the back room than go home with you . my job was to keep lisas hope alive . but instead , shes really depressed . you think you got problems , look what i just pulled out of my arm . thats what we in the business call a biggie . business . what business . the business of being a dad . can you hand me that magnet . sure . can you do my back . i guess im not meant to own a cat . im much happier petting this leaf . wait . you dont want me to have this cat . look , you dont want to get involved with a girl like me . my cats have a nasty habit of waking up dead . now go . cough me out of your life like a bad fur ball . youre not hurt . youre a good luck kitty . all right , old gils gonna collect big from insurance . ill be eating food tonight . im keeping you . youre snowball v . but to save money on a new dish , well just call you snowball ll and pretend this whole thing never happened . thats really a cheat , isnt it . i guess youre right , principal tamzarian . ill just be moving along , lisa , snowball ll . okay , ive been studying frinks robot . and ive discovered he has one small weak spot . this goes here yeah . oh oh . his weak spot is now his strongest point . that moan sounded almost human . homer the hell it did . announcer end of round one , b r spells mom and dad but that aint too bad , because thats my boy you look a little sluggish out there , boy . i better open you up . dad . bart , im sorry . i could never build a robot this awesome . im a fraud . so you fought all those robots . affirmative . that is so cool . you really think so . yeah . any poindexter can throw some nuts and bolts together . you risked your own life . even though youre the sole provider for a family of five . i am the luckiest kid in the world . and i am the luckiest announcer round two . oh , no . dad . that robot has given birth to a man . hey , what gives . hes not killing me . frink ill tell you what gives . im afraid he is subject to lsaac asimovs laws of robotics , with the sci fi and the so many books , not too many good . my robot is programmed never to harm humans , you see . only to serve them . mmm . he knows just how i like my martinis . full of alcohol . go , . nows your chance . bart , all that button ever did was send a mild electric shock up my backside . why did you make it do that . to keep me focused . and the winner is natures greatest killing machine , man . show me where in the rulebook it says that a human cant be a robot . right here . rule one . well , then join us next week for more inconclusive action on robot rumble . i concur . son , did you ever suspect it was me . well , you did disappear a lot but ive gone whole summers without seeing you . yeah . im pretty unreliable . i like you , son . i like you , too , dad . springfield . captioning sponsored by fox broadcasting company and twentieth century fox lets see . ill have gravy scrape ems , a bucket of twisty lard , and two super choker breakfast burritos with macho sauce . and mega size it , please . squeaky voiced teen i could also deep fry the bag . great . and ill have a diet coke  deep fried . mmm . mm mm hmm need more lap . i cant see . ill have to steer by the reflection in my watch . ohh . why dont i just pull over . cant stop . krusty collectible toy jammed under brake pedal . hey , . hey , . hey , . intruder detected . calling local police . line busy . shutting down . mr . burns , the department of nuclear security is very impressed with your plant . yes . were well protected against every threat , from bomb toting bolsheviks to golden armed jazzbos . homer oh , no . i hit the grief counselor . promise me youll report this . consider yourself fired . i had a car . mom , can we go into this bookstore . please , . well , i could use a muffin . im going to go up to the fourth floor where the books are . im gonna taunt the phds . hey , guys , i heard an assistant professorship just opened up . oh . where . oh . at the university of psyche . aw . aw . esme delacroix . she wrote to kiss a scoundrel . and they tumbled to the heather , breeches to bustle , crinoline to burlap , their mansion in ashes , their passion aflame . end of chapter one . yeah . when it happens in a book , its romantic . but , when willie tries to kiss ya , youre all pepper spray and fingernails . marge simpson , longtime reader , first time stander upper . did you have any special training to become a writer . just a class at the y  yale university . but anyone with passion can write . anyone . if i write a book , will they tell me when it comes out . well , they should , yes . then ill do it . i gotta get a job before marge finds out i was fired . ah . thats it . ill steal this sign , and theyll pay me to make them a new one . ill show you what we do with scammers like you . okay , heres how it goes buyers never tell you what theyre willing to spend . and , wthey talk privately , we spy on them through this one way mirror . well clean out those stupid americans . you probably want to talk this over , so ill leave you two alone . excuse me . well , honey , what do you think . did that salesman cut one during the test drive . yeah . and , for some reason , he turned on the radio to cover up the smell . lets get out of here . im not shaking that guys hand . theyll be back . aw . he was my best friend . hmm . cool . an ambulance from the s . i bet a lot of hippies were denied care in this thing . injuhippies . aw , well never sell this thing . the brakes are shot , the engines rusted . the only thing that works is the siren . siren buy me . buy me . buy me . ill do it . do what . guess what . i quit my job as a used car salesman . you work at the nuclear plant . get with the program , marge . your husband is now an ambulance driver . dont you need training for that . maybe on planet zoozoo . hey , i think its cool . i can defibrillate lisa . not if i pump your heart full of morphine first . kids . kids . those arent your toys . theyre to keep daddy asleep and awake . im gonna need them on my first shift tonight . tonight . but i was hoping you could watch the kids while i work on my novel . slow down , picasso . you were gonna start a novel without informing me . homer , you left two jobs and bought an ambulance without even a phone call . i also fed some ducklings . i know . i got your message . fine , . ill take the kids tonight , and you go to your precious hair appointment . im writing a novel . whatever . but i think you look great already . thank you . hmm what should i write about . that painting has always sparked my imagination . thats it . a novel about whaling . thats something you havent seen before . thank you , scene from moby dick . chapter one starts and beginnings . swim , thought the whale , flapping his floppers . brownie break . mayor quimby , disco stu , and our fighting men and women overseas . well , i finished the thank yous . time to go back to the novel . temperance barrows stared at the sea like a dog stares at a ham . oh , i just finished my first paragraph . spell check . perfect . now , lets see if lightning strikes twice . where to , mack . for the third time , the hospital . youre an ambulance , not a taxi . hospital , eh . wow , everyones goin there tonight . dad , youve been driving in circles for minutes . why dont you just admit you dont know where the hospital is . why dont you admit i know its around here somewhere . for temperance , the days passed on as did seven of her ten children . when will father return from his whaling voyage . this family has not seen whale meat for a onemonth . bartleby , leezakiah , we must be grateful for what we have . family , the good lord has blessed my voyage . behold his bounty . and for you , good wife , virginias miracle crop tobacco . oh , it has colored my teeth a healthy brown . was there ever a more perfect husband than you . marge , im back . oh , homie , ive had the most exciting day yeah , . i need some dinner , stat . and the kids need some cpr lessons . were not paramedics . ill say . oh good , you can use that to take down my dinner order . ill start with the soup , then a nice mixed grill with a side of wild rice . fine . right after this revision . temperance had to face the unhappy truth she had married a brute . hey , baby . ive returned from portsmouth . now let me put my tongue down yourmouth . ugh . now cook up my catch . a seagull . the whales werent biting , okay . i know you did your best . yeah , you know everything , dont you . now dont wait up . ill be at moabs . this story is as dark as those new milky way bars . oh , thats a good analogy . ill work it in somewhere . but now i need some romance , pronto . hey , marge , you look like you could use a nice big stud detector . they were two for one at krusty home depot , so i got an extra one for you guys . ned , thats so considerate . well , some say being thoughtful is old fashioned . if so , then i guess im just a cave man . if they existed , which they didnt . boy , when you write , you can let your imagination run wild . temperance was doing the laundry man my , those are pretty calluses . and your back has a nice new england hump . im cyrus manley , and im new to the island . perhaps you could show me around . nantucket is an island . what do you know . it is . well , i could take you on a tour . as long as my husband doesnt need me . hey , baby , i know we work together , but i think youre hot . lets go . ive never met a man like you . you listen to what i say your body has known the cleansing touch of soap prithee , tell me thou art not a sodomite . nope , not even a gomorrahian . oh , temperance , ive got an overpowering urge to see you with your hat off . mmm , i cant . i must remember my wedding vows . did you promise to be miserable , to be taken for granted by a drunken lout . pretty much . we wrote our own vows . enough talk . i need to see how you look up there . and to think my mother had one of those . im finished . and its so suggestive . but like they say , snuggling sells . now , do i dare push print . oh . oh , ah , mm . well , what do you think . hm i cant believe mom wrote a book before we did . and its a little trashy . mom has expressed herself . we should nurture her . lets kiss boys . binge and purge . rock and roll . youre not gettin out till were . im proud of you , mom . but just one thing isnt your book a little hard on dad . what do you mean . my book is set in whaling times . captain mordecai stared at the shop window full of powdered blowholes . mmm , blowholes , he drooled . sounds like dad to me . well , i guess that part is loosely based on your father . maybe you should let dad read your book before you submit it to publishers . i suppose i better . your fathers a very private person . marge . were out of bath towels . oh , ice cream truck . here in my car i am hosing off blood some of its mine but most of its not heres marge homie , i finished my novel . oh , typed . its really important that you read it and tell me what you think . no problem . ohh pages . its double spaced . whoo hoo, , im halfway through . all right , chapter one . hmm . that makes sense . there once was a girl from nantucket good , her name was temperance barrows and her heart was heavy with feeling . she no . gotta read marges book . cant get distracted . distracted . thats a funny word . does anyone ever get tracted . let me call the suicide hot line and ask them . well . well , what . did you read the book . oh , yes . did you like it . i did . oh , thats wonderful . and and the characters didnt bother you at all . no . they were all , in their own way , totally awesome . and youre fine with me trying to get it published . as ive always said publish or perish . oh , homie . homer now for that happy period between the lie and the time its found out . hello . marge , this is the best first novel my assistant has ever summarized for me . now , all we need are some endorsements from famous writers . heres your quote thomas pynchon loved this book . almost as much as he loves cameras . hey , over here . have your picture taken with a reclusive author . today only , well throw in a free autograph . but wait , theres more hello , this is tom clancy . would i say if youre hunting for a good read this october , marge simpsons book is a clear and present danger to your free time . hell no i wouldnt . what do you mean i just said it . that doesnt count . hello . hello . if dad ever reads that book , hes gonna be so humiliated . hell never read it . what if they make it into a movie . hell never see it . what if they parody it on mad tv . were doomed . so how much bleach did you drink . not a talker , eh . i loved this book , marge . very psychological . dr . marvin monroe .  . i havent seen you in years . oh , ive been very sick . if you ask me , this book sounds like marge and homer . no one asked you . think about it the boorish husband , the neglected wife , the sensitive hunk down the road and on page temperances name changes to marge for three paragraphs . can you believe marge those poor kids .  . homer doesnt know . can you believe that homer and marges marriage is just a sham . all right , ill order . um , ill have a medium pepperoni . and could you space out the meat so that it spells happy birthday , moe . oh , god , im alone . apu , do you sell crazy straws . ive got a guy with a broken back , and im trying to cheer him up . oh , mr . homer , anything for a cuckolded boob i mean , uh , loyal customer . what are you talking about . nothing , . it just seems your wife has an active imagination . why do you keep talking that way . youll see when you read your wifes book . well , then , maybe i will . if you do , youll see she lusts for flanders . that one i got . this is how you talk when you learn english from porno movies . ill have to read marges book . and i swore never to read again after to kill a mockingbird gave me no useful advice on killing mockingbirds . it did teach me not to judge a man based on the color of his skin , but what good does that do me .  . homer the harpooned heart . hmm . book on tape . as read by mary kate and ashley olsen . ashley olsen the harpooned heart by marge simpson . your turn , mary kate . mary kate there once was a girl from nantucket . her name was temperance barrows , and her heart was heavy with feeling . take it , ashley . ashley temperance was trapped in a loveless marriage . bummer . i didnt knowpeople were sad in the past . the harpooned heart ii thunder down under . chapter one . temperance barrows stared at the shrimp on the barbie . how can you write such horrible things about me .  . you told me you liked it . you didnt rit at all . you lied to me . i didnt lie . i was writing fict with my mouth . just tell me how much of this is true . well , there is a place called nantucket . i knew it . and what about the romance between you and cyrus . it was only my imagination . well , ill make sure you never imagine anything again . homer flanders . open this door right now . well , i guess it wouldnt kill me to let you in . oop . what are you doing here . stealing doormats . dads gonna catch flanders , just like the end of moms book . oh , yeah . how does that go again . didnt you read moms book . fine , ill tell you how it ends . the brutish captain mordecai has cornered his rival , cyrus . put that harpoon down , captain . you wouldnt kill the father of your next child , would you . oops . temperance . ill treasure your memory as long as i oh , no . not the new guy . now that your boyfriends dead , im free to be selfish , drunk , emotionally distant , sexually ungenerous , pissy marge as temperance watched the two men she had loved , and the one whale she admired , disappear into the ocean , she realized it was the end . flanders , pull over . im an ambulance . well , hes got me there . dear lord , please make homers blows precise and deadly with a minimum of pain . oh , and forgive me for those impure thoughts i had about the girl on the raisin box . flanders , im gonna do something i shouldve done a long time ago . would you help me be a better husband . huh . in marges book , i was so mean and you were so nice . how can i be more like you . just give me some advice . advice . just call me ann flanders . uh huh . oh , and another thing please , homie , dont hurt him .  .  . and and a back rub can just be a back rub . it doesnt have to lead to adult situations . why would i rub her back unless i wanted to get some oh , to make her feel good . oh , homie . youre trying to improve yourself , and its because of my book . thats right . i love you , marge , and i realize now i should show you more often . the end of your book was the wake up call i needed after falling asleep at the beginning of your book . thats the best review ive gotten . seriously . these reviews are terrible . dont worry about those losers , marge . i think its time we went home and collaborated on a little project of our own . marge , i got it all figured out . lee harvey oswald wanted to steal the jack ruby . jack ruby was a man , not a jewel . all right , were back to square one . put on some coffee . i was so close . forom . springfield . i have to research a paper . where did all the books go . books . books are for squares . were now a multimedia learning center for children of all ages but mostly bums . bart ay , caramba . huh . what . there are hardly any books at all . no books . but krabappel wants a paper on henry viii . and i have to score at least a pumpkin sticker or better on it . aw . there , . i can help you kids . i know a little something about history . gather round . henry viii had everything he could want , except a son to follow in his footsteps . im henry the eighth , i am henry the eighth , i am , i am ive been eating since a . m . for dessert ill have dinner again my names synonymous with gluttony ill always eat a turkey or a ham stop singing that song . we all know who you are . her majesty , margarine of aragon . what are you doing out of bed . i just planted my seed in your womanly dirt . your majesty , i know you want a son . but must we discuss my womb in front of the entire court . as royal physician , it is my learned opinion that her womb is filled with sea serpents . must sire a dude . must sire a dude . father dearest , i am the son you crave . im smart , athletic and ever so masculine . could a girl belch like this . oh . my beautiful boy . why cant i have you . i dont know . too much jerkin your merkin . why you little get out of my dreams and into my wife . i couldve married the king of france . he wasnt so preoccupied with procreation . ting a . know what i mean . oh , look at me . i eat and eat and eat , and i never get any thinner . well , theres more of you to worship , o sire . who would dare to flatter a king . anne boleyn , loyal subject , big fan . modern wench magazine dubbed me anne of the child bearing hips . yes . wide hips indeed . my son could cartwheel out . yoink . hey . where are you taking me . marriage counseling . mmm . we came here to talk about our problems . fine . i want to marry anne boleyn . but i cant chop my wifes head off because her father is the king of spain . your majesty , your feelings are valid , but im afraid marriage takes a lot of hard work . and who needs that . i say trade in that lemon and get busy . woo hoo . divorce . sire , theres no such thing in the cath diddly church . but its the only church weve got , so what are you gonna do . ill start my own church . what . yes , my own church . where divorce will be so easy , more than half of marriages will end in it . your majesty , i work for the pope , and i think a celibate ltalian weirdo knows a lot more about marriage than you . mmm , i understand . and because you stuck to your principles , im going to canonize you . i can see my house . sweetie , sometimes a daddy and a mommy decide to live apart . its not your fault . its just that you came out the wrong sex and ruined everything . so grow a penis or get lost . i cant . buh bye . well , why cant your heir be female . or why cant we elect our leaders . i wonder if i could canonize a child . leaving . hey , i invented divorce . how did you get half of everything . you shouldve invented the pre nup . and now half of your kingdom , please . i get lreland . and by the power vested in me by you just now , i pronounce you king and trophy queen . in the name of the henry , the hank , and the holy harry amen . henry . okay . now lets put a son in the oven . oh , henry . henry , sorry i bore you a daughter . stop . anne , i love her as much as i love you . your head lives for five seconds afterwards so i left a magazine in the basket . oh , my horoscope . today will bring welcome new changes into your life . wrong . sir scratchy , i accuse you of conducting a catholic mass . lord ltchy , i accuse you of not signing the act of succession . if only i had a son to enjoy this with . hey , baby . how would you like to be queen for a day . its funny , cause youre king . do you , jane seymour , take this king to be your lawfully wedded husband till your first little spat . i do . i double do . henry is the ginchiest . the lord is my i told you i was a dude . you didnt dump me . i dumped you why on earth did i marry you . my track record . ive had sons . now take a ride on the kingmaker . swing and a miss . come on . im . you could use a butter knife , for gods sake . dont just stand there . bury me . sire , i know what you usually do to the bearer of bad news , but , well , were running out of pikes to stick your wives heads onto . ill show you running out of pikes . hey , what do you know . you were right . that means a lot . my whole life , i was looking for that one woman whose execution could bring me happiness . now i realize i was just beheading myself for divorcing you . and locking me in a dungeon . listen to us . we still finish each others sentences . margarine , wont you take back an old head chopping fool . of course , your majesty . let me just fluff your pillow for you . see ya in hell , fat man . finally , henrys daughter elizabeth became queen . englands power was never greater . and british actresses always had a role to play when they got to a certain age . that was awesome , mrs . s . check plus plus, , here i come . wow . the library really is a great resource . and i just came in here to trip nerds for nothin . ha ha . mom , i cant find anything on sacagawea . just a couple of books on ron santo . no problem . in elementary school , we girls learned about sacagawea while the boys were learning math . okay . all right . toilet paper . in president jefferson sent lewis and clark and some embedded journalists to find the northwest passage . they paddled up the mississippi from st . louis . when winter came , lewis and clark tried to set up camp , but encountered much hardship . come spring , they sought help from native americans . long have we awaited the coming of the white man and carl . thanks . and welcome to the united states of america . have a flag . and while youre at it , cover your nakedness and worship our lord . yeah , . ill get right on it . now , in order to aid your journey across the land i offer you the guidance of my daughter , sacagawea . in our language , her name means little know it who wont shut her maize hole . i will be happy to help the americans . of course , i will be sad to leave my husband , the french fur trader , charbonneau . i will come with you . because by myself , the darkness , she scares me . i dont know why i ever sold you to him . okay , those berries are poison . those leaves are poison oak . and your belt is a snake , also poisonous . ill tell you whats poisonous , your attitude . you know these im dying . but at least people will always remember the expedition of lewis and clark and tweedleburger also , if youre confronted by a mountain lion , try to make yourself look as big as possible . and when you get a chance , bury your friend . hey , were still mourning . lets get a drink . all right , customers . and they said you couldnt open a bar in kansas . hey . well , nothing can crush the frontier spirit . thatll do it . lewis at last the pacific ocean . sacagawea thats a mud puddle . some of us find solutions instead of just pointing out problems . how did you two ever get to be explorers . we got the job because we own a compass . turns out the needle was just painted on . its been two years , so our brave explorers should be right about here . you morons . wait . thats my brother . dont kill them . theyre my friends . oh , come on . cant we at least have one pity scalp . ah . my brother in . i havent seen you since i killed all your buffalo . water under the bridge , eh . eh . dont forget the eyebrows . clark wow , the columbia river . now we just ride this baby down to the pacific and get us some sweet mermaid sex . for the last time , those are salmon . how do you like that . sacagawea has an opinion . big surprise . you know , you could be a little more grateful to us for civilizing you . i am the only reason you guys made it this far alive . from now on , youre on your own . stupid things with their compasses painted on . shell be back . she forgot her husband . ingrates , after all i did for them . oh , warm , wooly rock , youre my only friend . were big . were big . which you mountain lions find terrifying . they remembered what i taught them . of course we did . well never forget you , pocahontas . sacagawea . gesundheit . look . the pacific ocean . we made it . we discovered the magnificent pacific northwest . i say we give this lovely land a name worthy of its beauty . eugene , oregon . and we owe it all to you . youre gonna get the greatest honor this country can bestow . and today , lewis promise has been fulfilled . what is that . a quarter . a chuck e . cheese token . no . its a sacagawea dollar . you can trade it in at the bank for a real dollar . huh . bart , what famous historical figure do you want to write about . i dont know . the boogeyman . come on , bart . we can make this fun . historys like an amusement park , except instead of rides , you have dates to memorize . mom , everyone who ever lived is boring . boring . is there anything boring about a bad ass rocker who lived fast and died young . i know theres a catch , but tell me more . as a young prodigy , this popular musician wowed audiences across th century europe . and now the star of our show , my son , mozart . he makes bach turn back . haydn go into hidin , and , well , those are the only ones there have been so far . hello , vienna . are there any aficionados in the house . yeah . sonata in a , k , third movement . i cant hear you . sonata in a , k , third movement . great show , son , but you forgot to push the merchandize . huh . huh . papa , let me be the headliner . i always show up on time and i close the piano lid ever so softly . oh , little salieri , why dont you go play with the other three untalented members of our family . tito , randy , and jermaine . sally , no one practices as hard as you . but its your brother who keeps us in lead based face powder . ew . a plague rat . dont you have music to write . im doing it right now . i call this my symphony in gee , my sister sucks . o lord , why did you give such transcendent talent to such an undeserving fool . because you are ugly . what is it about music that enchants us . the notes . our next award is sponsored by heinrichs bratwurst . papa , can we have a heinrichs bratwurst . for outstanding composer age and under , the winner is please let me win . mozart . i cant stand it . thank you . thank you . i want to see you all next week at my concert in krakow . wow , its sold out . mincing room only . i hope they like the opera . oh , theyre like sheep . as the emperor goes , so do they . wine here . get your wine . claret , port , riesling . emperors drink free . im an emperor . nachti nacht . beans , oh , beans , delicious in your mouth but watch out when beans come out down south tooting , some call it pooting its air polluting the gas comes shooting right from your butt , oh . this makes me want to fop till i drop . i say the emperor finds it boring . then so do we . people bored with opera . thats impossible . to failure , dear brother . oops . oh , mozart , i know you are gravely ill . so i brought you the very finest doctor in all of austria . guten tag , everybody . guten tag , dr . nick . i can tell from here you have too much blood . lets get you covered in leeches . dont be shy . eat the little boy . now , in the morning , youll be good as new or dead . but the important thing is well know . mozart , you cant die . i dont want to live in a world without the income you produce . ill never forget when you were a little baby and i sang you the lullabies you wrote . where is my sister . where is darling salieri . i never wanted you to die . i just wanted to destroy your talent and your joy . dear sister , i have a confession . in the eyes of history , i always thought your music would be judged the best . really . but now that im dying young ill be cool forever . eat my pantaloons . mozart is dead . get you genuine death masks . fresh off the corpse . be the first on your block to give me money . i must show the emperor my requiem mass . with mozart dead , i am , at last , the greatest composer alive . youll have to wait your turn . the emperor is with yet another musical prodigy . splendid , young beethoven . i hereby declare all other music obsolete . and thats the life of mozart . thank god he died young . ive gotta get dinner on the stove . mom , that sounds a lot like the movie amadeus which was historically inaccurate . mozart worked hard on his music . salieri was a respected composer . all i know is the guy who played mozart was also in animal house . now theres a movie with good music . springfield . wait till he puts his unsuspecting butt on that toilet seat . huh . wheres the ee yow . all yours , homer . you didnt sit on the toilet . i didnt have to . im a dude . butt on bowl , little man . hey , my pants arent down . it doesnt matter . ee yow . why you little jokes on me , is it . ah . marge whats all that racket . its old lady simpson . run . whats going on . uh , ill tell you whats going on . im taking you all out for pancakes . all yay . yeah . bart this place looks familiar . it used to be the leaning tower of pizza . they just painted the tower brown . either way , everyone who works in the kitchen speaks spanish . hey , apu . whats with the line . its application day at miss wickerbottoms pre nursery school . pre nursery school . the fast track begins at birth . thats it . claw and bite for position . we have only enough tuition money for two . for the rest of you , better luck next life . thats a lot of pressure to put on a baby . all they should be worried about is the raspberry monster . you know , marge makes a good point . competitive schools arent for every baby . are you saying my daughter cant cut it just because i owe you . ill show you . come on , maggie . youre getting into that school . i will hire a collection agency . which one . tri city, , omni pay, , lnsta threat . ive beaten em all . the pig says oink . the chicken henry look , stop right there . i could go to any chuck e . cheese in america and hear what animals say . do you know what i say . i say , next . youre a poopie . you nurse with that mouth . and whats your name . maggie . im sorry , but why are you answering for her . maggie doesnt talk yet . not a word . oh , no , . she says lots of words . like when she wants something , she says maggie , were not a mime school , so we cant take a non talker . but heres some good news . the gap will always need sweater folders . im sorry we wasted your time , your lordship . my baby has no future . oh , maggie will do just fine . shell have plenty of money , because shell marry a grocer grocers dont make that much . who steals from the till . would ya let me finish . jeez . maggie , youre as smart as any one of those kids . come on . did we ever turn off that shower nozzle . im taking you all out for tacos . both yay . okay , for malibu stacys beach party , weve got pita , hummus , tempeh , tofu . what other fun foods do we need . ice . did you do that . okay . whats a good side dish . rice . why not caviar . oh , my god . youre not just smart , youre brilliant . mom . well , look whos back . pippi non talking . just because maggie cant talk , doesnt mean shes dumb . einstein didnt speak till he was three . and even then , he could only speak german . fine . ill give her an lq test if only to extinguish all hope . all right , my quiet american , how many eyes do you have . go on , maggie . you can do it . well , congratulations . youre now as intelligent as a pig . lets see if you can move up to dolphin . how many people in your family . woo hoo . i got that one right , too . okay , last question . arrange these four arrows to make five arrows . i remind you , only have oh . all oh . yeah . philippa , i think you should come in here . your baby is brilliant . why , she could already teach at florida state . oh , my god . yay . go , maggie . go , seminoles . this better be important , henry . i was choking on something . meet maggie simpson , lq . one sixty seven . thats amazing for a christian . but my lq is only . maggies more intelligent than me . thats right , because is a bigger number than . do you see how that works . yes , thank you . so our kids keep getting smarter . if we have another one , it could build a time machine , which we could use to go back in time and not have any kids . all our children are smart . some are just smarter than the others . welcome to the others . marge maggie , look at all the stuff your new school sent over . look at these courses youll be taking . advanced peekaboo . got your nose and other lies . im slapping this sucker right over support our troops . look , lisa . theres something in here for you . really . and maggie gets a shirt , too . sweetie , you seem so blue . did the last of something die . no , mom . its just that i used to be the smart one . now , i dont know who i am . well , i know who you are . and heres something to help you never forget . i already have one of those . well then , find a new identity . hmm . your mothers right , honey . katie couric didnt just become the worlds most famous dwarf . she escaped from the circus and went for it . all right . if im second rate as the smart kid , ill find a new raison detre . that still sounds like the smart kid . right , . time to show them the new me . no ones happier and more well adjusted than a stand up comedian . how about these entrees . stuffed cabbage . can you believe they found a way to make cabbage worse . all right . so what else is going on . lets see . hey , why do they call them field trips . we never go to a field . oh , untrue . last thursday , we visited a battlefield . uh , well , i im bem barrassed for you . the following ha ha is not from amusement but an expression of contempt . ha ha . okay , dont get discouraged . every me they reject gets me closer to the me theyll like . what are you now , lisa . an oakland raiders fan . its called goth , eternally clueless one . my new name is ravencrow never smiles . cool . we can be goth together . well go to the cemetery and summon the dark lord by kissing and junk . okay . but first , you must apprentice by kissing the goddess lronica , uh , who lives in this rock . do it for an hour , and a half . yes , my mistress . whos that girl running around with you tell me whos that girl oh , none of these feel right . wait , . did i try soccer player . tried and failed . im a mess . i cant believe im jealous of a baby . hey , im jealous of her , too . when youre a baby , you spend all day just rolling around on the floor . boy , i miss that . ow . fine . roll around on the floor , baby . floor baby . floor baby . youre making fun of him for something you made him do . yeah . well , youre gay . people who accuse others of being gay are often covering up their own latent homosexuality . um , uh bullies rule . the school sent this dealie over for maggie . his name is phonic frog . phonic frog aw . buh . kkk . huh oh . thats me . huh oh . this is huh oh doctor . hes too sick to work today . ill be right back . fine . ill help you with your stupid flashcards . arent you smart . lets try another one . a little harder this time . hmm . no , thats wrong . thats right . this spells dog . marge lisa . you are purposely teaching her the wrong word . lisa , im surprised . your sister just wants to learn and be like you . well , maybe she needs a better role model . phonic frog i agree with your mother . you are a disappointment to huh oh . i used to be the smart one . phonic frog where is my dinner . maggie , youre such a quick learner . why dont you learn how to fly . but i love you . z z z z goodbye , maggie . im smart enough to know youre better off without me . two cents . im sure a lot of great people have started with less . nope . never under a dollar . marge lisas gone . you have to find her . why cant you just accept the fact that lisa is old enough to take care of herself . back off and let her live her life . but shes only eight . oh , i thought you said . well , get right on it . now , this may not be the best time , but im supposed to give you this survey rating the effectiveness of the springfield police department . somewhat satisfied . i see . well , maybe ill just somewhat find your daughter , huh . fine . extremely satisfied . looking good , boys . now , lets go get some smoothies . oh , im tired . im hungry . red plastic sandals are not great running away shoes . air conditioning , water fountains , dioramas . and ill never run into my family here . its the perfect place to start a new life . no food allowed . you cant hide it in your clothes . would you please step out of the line , sir . go ahead and search . you will never find it all . im baking muffins as i speak . man some trees are big . some trees are small . but all trees have bark . except for poplar , ash and maple . lousy maggie . thinks shes so great . thinks she knows oh . i miss them all so much . i hope this typeface catches peoples eye . it sure didnt move our old fondue set . why do you always take the children and not the fondue sets . why , santa . why . good news , simpsons . we found your daughters belongings . whered you find these . giant tongue . oh . i knew it . we also discovered something very unusual at that museum . oh , my god . what . well , if you drop a feather and a bowling ball in a vacuum , theyll fall at the same rate . you think youve seen it all in this job , and then something like that comes along . come on . come on . clancy thats where we found your daughters things . lisa huh . you look around there while eddie , lou and i go ask a few questions . like how does a helicopter fly . and what causes thunder . i say its angels bowling . lisa . homer lisa . marge lisa . homer lisa . both lisa . oh , no . the giant is waking up . oh , god . were in a belly . everyone , take off your shoes . how do we get out . your baby has to press the red evacuate button . yo , chief , we got a problem here . i see a vase , but eddie sees two people in profile . now , this may shock you , but youre both right . marge maggie . homer come on , maggie . come on . bart the red button . all hit the red button . hit the red button . homer hit the red button . homer ew . maggie , press the red button . i know , well use reverse psychology . maggie , dont press the red button . damn it . marge , ive always loved you . bart , you were a worthy foe . mom . dad . im so sorry i got you into this . lisa , youre all right . oh , good . shes here in time to see us die . maggie , im sorry i was jealous of your special gift . from now on , im gonna nurture and cherish just tell her which friggin button to push . maggie , push the red button . you can do it . red . wooo . now , marge , you cant say i never take you anywhere . well , i think we all learned a lesson today . dont try to be something youre not , namely food . chief , now i cant see either one . well , were all pretty tired . lets try a different one . which figure is bigger . the answer will knock your socks off . im sorry i ran off . being second to maggies not so bad . but why didnt maggie press the right button until i told her to . philippa i believe i can answer that . howd you get in here . your butler let us in . play along . ill explain later . im afraid your daughters no longer welcome at our school . shes as common as an angry woman in an lbsen play . zing . lets just watch the tape , monkey man . whenever maggie is asked a question , she looks over at lisa . how many eyes do you have . go on , maggie . you can do it . philippa now , rotate and magnify . i dont remember doing that . i would never cheat . perhaps . but subconsciously , you wanted her to succeed . watch . philippa here , youre telling her the answer is no . here , the solution is a square . here , youre telling her the answer is california condor . so maggies not a genius . she could be at sweeping up hair . thats my baby , jerk . ow . you call that a punch . i felt it , but it was like , so what . oh . again with the nose . i have a chin , you know . dont worry , sir . the maid and i will take him out to the curb . come on . come on . you promised me no one would get hurt . i dont care what they say , maggie . to me , youre brilliant . not for babies . henry do we really need three of these people . too ethnic , change it . more like cart wrong . worst voicing ever . finally , a real celebrity . oh , good . more producers . just what they need . him , i like . yes , but whats he done lately . very original . simon cowell as simon cowell . well done . i really dont care anymore . all useless . the credits really have to go this long . oh , shush yourself . springfield . children , im sorry to say , one of your lunches exploded . who has the little bunny foo lunch box . um that would be me . its not my fault . i cant afford a better lunch box cause im poor . shut up . my mom got too fat to work at hooters . they wont even let her park cars . please , children , dont be cruel . nelson might be poor , but im sure he has the seven dollars for todays field trip . um , well , actually someday now i know the rest of us e excited about visiting the museum of television today . hey , dont tell us how to feel . bart simpson , be quiet . hey , that wasnt me . that was milhouse . milhouse . what happened to my little class coward . what do you care , mrs . krabappel or should i say , mrs . crab apple . crab apple . i never thought of that . it totally works . how could i have been so blind . rollin , toxic barrel rollin theyre so hot and glowin well die . smithers , the board of directors is coming here today . i dont want them to see snap , crackle and pop down there . sir , theres a big cardboard box out back that could keep them amused . they could make a fort . no , just give them each a nickel and send them to moes . let them while away the afternoon spilling their beer on gullets and trousers whilst drooling over french postcards . hello , im isabel sanford , the beloved weezy from the jeffersons . at this museum , you wont see a michelangelo , but you might see michael landon and beverly dangelo . this blows . lets sneak off . wander away from the group . man , youve been huffing from the bart bag . homer to old man burns , whos paying us to drink because were embarrassing . we suck . we suck . ohh a lot of that went in my lungs . attention american bar devils its our anniversary . free drinks for everyone . thats great . im honored to drink to apu and , uh apulina . ahh you know , marge and i have an anniversary coming up . i have given manjula many gifts , including a bouquet of flowers , diamond earrings , and were going to see paris hilton . in paris texas . on our way to paris , france . what did you plan to get your wife , homer . well these charity address labels that came in the mail . milhouse , why are you acting so crazy . did your imaginary friend try to kill you again . no , walters been cool . bart , ive gotta say something , and its not easy . well , if its not easy , dont do it . thats how i got where i am . then lets just say i dont care what people think of me anymore . you mean up until now you did care . then why did you wear that tutu to school last week . what about all the times i didnt wear a tutu . nobody ever brings those up . now leave me alone . its the paul lynde helen reddy hudson brothers easter special . with guest stars willie tyler and lester and nadia comaneci . paul lynde id like to hippity hop on your balance beam . i dont think you understand the mechanics of heterosexual sex . well , circle gets the square . tv sure has come a long way , huh , milhouse . check it out  im riding some guy named ironside . ow , my banana . danger , . door ajar . the indignity . the agents got all my money . im bored . lets go switch the heads on the cosby kids . homer i dont wanna go home . im not done talking to me . just get out this door , rummy , and youre the citys problem . if you make it through the night , youre welcome back . ah , home , sweet home . now to watch some tv . oh , you poor soul . you think that rat is a remote . huh five bucks . i dont need your sharity . ill dance for my money . oh , you poor man . you think you can dance . i didnt say stop . bart theres something ive gotta tell you . im moving . what . my mom got a job in capital city . capital city . you cant move that far . youre my best friend . whats your mom making . ill match it . its too late , bart . my moms already transferred her k . nooo . luann , what are you doing . look , kirk , i need a fresh start . well , couldnt you get a fresh start by remarrying your old husband . kirk , we are going . fine , but you cant take milhouse . i have visitation rights . yes , and youre also supposed to pay child support . hey , i thought you said my money was no good . i said youre no good . get in the car , milhouse . this isnt over . ill fight you with every lunch half hour i get . oh , speaking of which its gonna be tough to be peppy today . tell me about it . why are your clothes so dirty . and why do you smell like liquor . have you been clubbing . oh , homie , theyre beautiful . that chevron station has the most romantic bouquets . i feel a swoon coming on here it is . i am so wasted . oh , my god , oh , my god . were having a simultaneous pass out . well , at least theyre not fighting . and scratch show . oh , mmm mm . right this way . whats on the menu . oh , bart , im sure its hard to lose your best friend . you mean milhouse . funny little guy . afraid of the dark . and the light . now i got new friends . guys who get me . theres one right now . who is it . is it ralph . it is not ralph . hi , bart . my nose makes its own bubble gum . just get in here . i found you , bart . ralph , were playing checkers . i dont like you , boy mommy . uh hmm . oh , loveless loners are so lucky . theres no way i can afford to give marge a nice anniversary present . oh , you poor man . you smell worse than you did last time . hmm . hey , buddy , thats nice sign work . your penmanship is clear yet sad . hey , i know you . we met in a police lineup . oh , yeah , . you know , number two and number four are an item now . you dont have to tell me . i was number three . listen , you have any pointers for a newbie . well , there are six schools of begging bad musician , messed up vet , cripple , fake cripple , religious zealot , and crazy guy . i think you would do well with crazy guy . coke and pepsi are the same thing . wake up , people . wow . now , that is good crazy . ah . oh , no . oh , no . oh , no . oh , yes . i never thought id have to take a plane to see milhouse . well , im sure hell be happy you came . man now departing , no frills airlines flight . woman milhouse . barts here . what up , b . milhouse . is that you . yeah . i gave my look some new flava . suck it in . uh maybe later . what up , m life . milhouse , this isnt you . this is my only chance to be cool . now , please let me give you a wedgie in front of these guys . no way . please . ill be gentle . oh , fine . wedgie . milhouse , you went cap city on him . springfield baby , in a diaper , poked his eye with a windshield wiper . springfield baby . springfield baby . ill always love you , bart . springfield baby . springfield baby . bart , honey , its a nice day . why dont you play outside . outside . thats where me and milhouse played . you know , i think your sister could use a little help washing the car . youll be like an owl saying milhouse who . milhouse who . milhouse whooo . hey , moldilocks , mom says im supposed to help you . fine . you can confirm the accuracy of the hose . ha ha . you wet your pants . shut up . its a serious problem . lis , you are so dead . im gonna hit you so hard , ill kill your whole family . bart , youre in my family . shut up . homie , id like to know what youve been doing after work . marge , im not gonna lie to you . i also found this in your drawer . all the answers you need are in here . happy anniversary . are these diamondique . nope . diamondelle . nope . cubic diamondium . nope . dioxy ribo . close , but no cigar . just plain diamonds . oh , my god . oh , my god . we finally have something to put in the wall safe . hostess twinkies . i heard , if you age them for ten years , they turn to liquor . kids . go ride bikes for a while , huh . yeah , you heard our mother . we cant jump this ditch . sure , we can . but let me go first . everyone knows youre the future of family . thats not true , bart . mom and dad value us equally , and aw , youre right . okay . go ahead . geronimo . just forget everything you know about gravity . but i know so much about it . just do it . geronimo . look . we can go inside . oh . were like howard carter discovering the temple of tutankhamen . or like when i discovered the schools xerox code . one , four , seven . just saying it makes my butt feel warm again . arrowheads . pictographs . bart , this is a native american burial mound . oh , look . hes pickin his nose . hey , we shouldnt tell anyone we were here . this place should be our special secret . okay . shake . psyche . theres spiders in your hair . thats what you call commitment to a bit . mr . bojangles mr . bojangles were all bojangles who killed bojangles . maybe it was you . thank you . thank you . remember , my dog up and died . thank you . you got your wife the earrings , man . why are you still doing this . i want to get a second house . closer to work . hes taking all our business . were going to have to do something . we never do anything , thats why were bums . hey , youre a woman . and youre a three headed devil dog . devil dog . want to make out . no one wants to be alone . lisa the mound builders worshipped turtles , as well as badgers , snakes , and other animals . thank god weve come to our senses and worship a carpenter who lived hi , janey branford marsalis car broke down outside your house . and hes just jamming till wynton shows up . um some other time maybe . today im just hanging out at home . hey , bart , i borrowed my uncles pellet gun . want to shoot apu . oh that does sound fun . but not today . i think im just going to hang out at home . lisa oh , my god . my brothers my best friend . bart oh , my god . my sisters my best friend . marge diamonds . i still cant believe he gave me diamonds . homer mirror on the wall who . you dont know him . he lives in russia . i cant believe theyre hanging out . ha . maybe shell be a good influence on him . or maybe hell corrupt her . it wont last . brothers and sisters are natural enemies . like englishmen and scots . or welshmen and scots . or japanese and scots . or scots and other scots . damn scots . they ruined scotland . you scots sure are a contentious people . ye just made an enemy for life . listen , mr . hobo . you may not have laundry to wash , but i do . now what do you want to show me . theres your husband , a . k . a . mooch a , drooly mcgee , corporal flashback , etcetera , . homer . youre panhandling . i should have known from that panhandling sign . plus that ticket you got for panhandling . but marge , it was all for you . to buy you all the nice things you deserve . the flowers , the earrings , the bob seger boxed set , which really only needed to be one disk , but the box was nice homer , i dont need fancy things . and even if i did , this is the wrong way to get them . and to remind you of what youve done , im going to keep these earrings and wear them at social occasions . i dont understand . well , then maybe you need to buy me a brooch . bart , i cracked the code of the pictograph . it says theres a curse on the mound . of course , i dont believe in hi , lisa . i brought you the cap city version of monopoly . baltic avenue is now wayne street . its awesome . milhouse . i thought your mom took you away forever . i got a court order bringing him back . the judge said i was the most pathetic person hed ever seen in court . pity custody  boo yeah . repo man . im here to take your pants . not in front of my son . please . youre somebodys father .  . yes , okay . oh , boy . well , im glad to be back . those cap city kids dont think im cool anymore . we were having a sleepover , and a robber came and wet my bed . then he folded the bed back into the couch and disappeared into the night . i knew youd blow it . now let me show you that mound . you told him our secret . hey , hes my best friend . oh . i see how it is . great . then were all cool . bart since hes been back , milhouse has had three bloody noses and stepped in dog doo . its always a party with that guy . well , its nice you have your best friend back . you should hang with us sometime , lis . mm hmm . i think ill go to bed now . whats wrong . nothing . hoo boy , are you in trouble . whatre you talking about . when a woman says nothings wrong , that means everythings wrong . and when a woman says everythings wrong , that means everythings wrong . and when a woman says somethings not funny , youd better not laugh your ass off . hey , lis , you want to play cap city monopoly . look , just because milhouse is gone doesnt mean you have to pretend to be my friend . oh , come on , ill roll the dice for you .  .  . three , four , five , chance . pick up a card . bart will make your bed for a week what . really . yep . pick up another one . but its not my turn . im trying to do something nice , you dink . pick up a card . bart will defend you when other kids call you a nerd . no one calls me a nerd . trust me , that is a valuable card . pick up another . bart will give back the malibu stacy head you thought was lost . oh , bart , thats really sweet . just because i have milhouse back , doesnt mean i havent learned a few things about being a brother . i think im going to use this card right now . aw , do i have to .  . all right . good for one hug this is what sitcoms call a schmaltzy ending  a sentimental capper to leave the audience feeling good . usually followed by a little coda to cut the treacle . granny , im gonna shoot me some vietcong . yeah , well i aint cookin em . and george jefferson , wherever you are , we love you and want you to come home . springfield . wait till he puts his unsuspecting butt on that toilet seat . huh . wheres the ee yow . all yours , homer . you didnt sit on the toilet . i didnt have to . im a dude . butt on bowl , little man . hey , my pants arent down . it doesnt matter . ee yow . why you little jokes on me , is it . ah . marge whats all that racket . its old lady simpson . run . whats going on . uh , ill tell you whats going on . im taking you all out for pancakes . all yay . yeah . bart this place looks familiar . it used to be the leaning tower of pizza . they just painted the tower brown . either way , everyone who works in the kitchen speaks spanish . hey , apu . whats with the line . its application day at miss wickerbottoms pre nursery school . pre nursery school . the fast track begins at birth . thats it . claw and bite for position . we have only enough tuition money for two . for the rest of you , better luck next life . thats a lot of pressure to put on a baby . all they should be worried about is the raspberry monster . you know , marge makes a good point . competitive schools arent for every baby . are you saying my daughter cant cut it just because i owe you . ill show you . come on , maggie . youre getting into that school . i will hire a collection agency . which one . tri city, , omni pay, , lnsta threat . ive beaten em all . the pig says oink . the chicken henry look , stop right there . i could go to any chuck e . cheese in america and hear what animals say . do you know what i say . i say , next . youre a poopie . you nurse with that mouth . and whats your name . maggie . im sorry , but why are you answering for her . maggie doesnt talk yet . not a word . oh , no , . she says lots of words . like when she wants something , she says maggie , were not a mime school , so we cant take a non talker . but heres some good news . the gap will always need sweater folders . im sorry we wasted your time , your lordship . my baby has no future . oh , maggie will do just fine . shell have plenty of money , because shell marry a grocer grocers dont make that much . who steals from the till . would ya let me finish . jeez . maggie , youre as smart as any one of those kids . come on . did we ever turn off that shower nozzle . im taking you all out for tacos . both yay . okay , for malibu stacys beach party , weve got pita , hummus , tempeh , tofu . what other fun foods do we need . ice . did you do that . okay . whats a good side dish . rice . why not caviar . oh , my god . youre not just smart , youre brilliant . mom . well , look whos back . pippi non talking . just because maggie cant talk , doesnt mean shes dumb . einstein didnt speak till he was three . and even then , he could only speak german . fine . ill give her an lq test if only to extinguish all hope . all right , my quiet american , how many eyes do you have . go on , maggie . you can do it . well , congratulations . youre now as intelligent as a pig . lets see if you can move up to dolphin . how many people in your family . woo hoo . i got that one right , too . okay , last question . arrange these four arrows to make five arrows . i remind you , only have oh . all oh . yeah . philippa , i think you should come in here . your baby is brilliant . why , she could already teach at florida state . oh , my god . yay . go , maggie . go , seminoles . this better be important , henry . i was choking on something . meet maggie simpson , lq . one sixty seven . thats amazing for a christian . but my lq is only . maggies more intelligent than me . thats right , because is a bigger number than . do you see how that works . yes , thank you . so our kids keep getting smarter . if we have another one , it could build a time machine , which we could use to go back in time and not have any kids . all our children are smart . some are just smarter than the others . welcome to the others . marge maggie , look at all the stuff your new school sent over . look at these courses youll be taking . advanced peekaboo . got your nose and other lies . im slapping this sucker right over support our troops . look , lisa . theres something in here for you . really . and maggie gets a shirt , too . sweetie , you seem so blue . did the last of something die . no , mom . its just that i used to be the smart one . now , i dont know who i am . well , i know who you are . and heres something to help you never forget . i already have one of those . well then , find a new identity . hmm . your mothers right , honey . katie couric didnt just become the worlds most famous dwarf . she escaped from the circus and went for it . all right . if im second rate as the smart kid , ill find a new raison detre . that still sounds like the smart kid . right , . time to show them the new me . no ones happier and more well adjusted than a stand up comedian . how about these entrees . stuffed cabbage . can you believe they found a way to make cabbage worse . all right . so what else is going on . lets see . hey , why do they call them field trips . we never go to a field . oh , untrue . last thursday , we visited a battlefield . uh , well , i im bem barrassed for you . the following ha ha is not from amusement but an expression of contempt . ha ha . okay , dont get discouraged . every me they reject gets me closer to the me theyll like . what are you now , lisa . an oakland raiders fan . its called goth , eternally clueless one . my new name is ravencrow never smiles . cool . we can be goth together . well go to the cemetery and summon the dark lord by kissing and junk . okay . but first , you must apprentice by kissing the goddess lronica , uh , who lives in this rock . do it for an hour , and a half . yes , my mistress . whos that girl running around with you tell me whos that girl oh , none of these feel right . wait , . did i try soccer player . tried and failed . im a mess . i cant believe im jealous of a baby . hey , im jealous of her , too . when youre a baby , you spend all day just rolling around on the floor . boy , i miss that . ow . fine . roll around on the floor , baby . floor baby . floor baby . youre making fun of him for something you made him do . yeah . well , youre gay . people who accuse others of being gay are often covering up their own latent homosexuality . um , uh bullies rule . the school sent this dealie over for maggie . his name is phonic frog . phonic frog aw . buh . kkk . huh oh . thats me . huh oh . this is huh oh doctor . hes too sick to work today . ill be right back . fine . ill help you with your stupid flashcards . arent you smart . lets try another one . a little harder this time . hmm . no , thats wrong . thats right . this spells dog . marge lisa . you are purposely teaching her the wrong word . lisa , im surprised . your sister just wants to learn and be like you . well , maybe she needs a better role model . phonic frog i agree with your mother . you are a disappointment to huh oh . i used to be the smart one . phonic frog where is my dinner . maggie , youre such a quick learner . why dont you learn how to fly . but i love you . z z z z goodbye , maggie . im smart enough to know youre better off without me . two cents . im sure a lot of great people have started with less . nope . never under a dollar . marge lisas gone . you have to find her . why cant you just accept the fact that lisa is old enough to take care of herself . back off and let her live her life . but shes only eight . oh , i thought you said . well , get right on it . now , this may not be the best time , but im supposed to give you this survey rating the effectiveness of the springfield police department . somewhat satisfied . i see . well , maybe ill just somewhat find your daughter , huh . fine . extremely satisfied . looking good , boys . now , lets go get some smoothies . oh , im tired . im hungry . red plastic sandals are not great running away shoes . air conditioning , water fountains , dioramas . and ill never run into my family here . its the perfect place to start a new life . no food allowed . you cant hide it in your clothes . would you please step out of the line , sir . go ahead and search . you will never find it all . im baking muffins as i speak . man some trees are big . some trees are small . but all trees have bark . except for poplar , ash and maple . lousy maggie . thinks shes so great . thinks she knows oh . i miss them all so much . i hope this typeface catches peoples eye . it sure didnt move our old fondue set . why do you always take the children and not the fondue sets . why , santa . why . good news , simpsons . we found your daughters belongings . whered you find these . giant tongue . oh . i knew it . we also discovered something very unusual at that museum . oh , my god . what . well , if you drop a feather and a bowling ball in a vacuum , theyll fall at the same rate . you think youve seen it all in this job , and then something like that comes along . come on . come on . clancy thats where we found your daughters things . lisa huh . you look around there while eddie , lou and i go ask a few questions . like how does a helicopter fly . and what causes thunder . i say its angels bowling . lisa . homer lisa . marge lisa . homer lisa . both lisa . oh , no . the giant is waking up . oh , god . were in a belly . everyone , take off your shoes . how do we get out . your baby has to press the red evacuate button . yo , chief , we got a problem here . i see a vase , but eddie sees two people in profile . now , this may shock you , but youre both right . marge maggie . homer come on , maggie . come on . bart the red button . all hit the red button . hit the red button . homer hit the red button . homer ew . maggie , press the red button . i know , well use reverse psychology . maggie , dont press the red button . damn it . marge , ive always loved you . bart , you were a worthy foe . mom . dad . im so sorry i got you into this . lisa , youre all right . oh , good . shes here in time to see us die . maggie , im sorry i was jealous of your special gift . from now on , im gonna nurture and cherish just tell her which friggin button to push . maggie , push the red button . you can do it . red . wooo . now , marge , you cant say i never take you anywhere . well , i think we all learned a lesson today . dont try to be something youre not , namely food . chief , now i cant see either one . well , were all pretty tired . lets try a different one . which figure is bigger . the answer will knock your socks off . im sorry i ran off . being second to maggies not so bad . but why didnt maggie press the right button until i told her to . philippa i believe i can answer that . howd you get in here . your butler let us in . play along . ill explain later . im afraid your daughters no longer welcome at our school . shes as common as an angry woman in an lbsen play . zing . lets just watch the tape , monkey man . whenever maggie is asked a question , she looks over at lisa . how many eyes do you have . go on , maggie . you can do it . philippa now , rotate and magnify . i dont remember doing that . i would never cheat . perhaps . but subconsciously , you wanted her to succeed . watch . philippa here , youre telling her the answer is no . here , the solution is a square . here , youre telling her the answer is california condor . so maggies not a genius . she could be at sweeping up hair . thats my baby , jerk . ow . you call that a punch . i felt it , but it was like , so what . oh . again with the nose . i have a chin , you know . dont worry , sir . the maid and i will take him out to the curb . come on . come on . you promised me no one would get hurt . i dont care what they say , maggie . to me , youre brilliant . not for babies . henry do we really need three of these people . too ethnic , change it . more like cart wrong . worst voicing ever . finally , a real celebrity . oh , good . more producers . just what they need . him , i like . yes , but whats he done lately . very original . simon cowell as simon cowell . well done . i really dont care anymore . all useless . the credits really have to go this long . oh , shush yourself . springfield . the wild dingleberries . its a movie version of a cartoon family you can see for free on tv . but they stretched out the plot and added a wildebeest from the hood . i am so there . sorry , pally , the dingleberries are sold out but , looking at yo im sure your kids are used to disappointment . how bout diet coke the movie . sold out . president air bud tail to the chief . sorry . my big fat greek salad . not a movie . the only movies starting now are the re deadening and teenage sex wager . oh , well , i am curious to see if those teens lose their virginity , and the wager only sweetens the deal . mr . simpson , that movie is condemned by our churchs movie guide . what would jesus view . refresh my memory . these dweebs are with us why . because mr . flanders volunteered to take the senior citizens out for ice cream . mm . mm . mm oh . this ice creams too cold . oh , i cut myself on the cone . now , remember why were here to celebrate jaspers birthday . birthday .  . yo , give it up for m . c . birthday . i say a birth , a day , a birth a . now my good time gang will blow you away . never leave the day room . never leave the day room . never leave the day room . okay , kids , forget the movie . well just go to the furniture store and sit down . uh , two for the re deadening, , please . the re deadening . is that any good . good . im in it . i had a small speaking role . yeah , i went to visit him and was banned from the set . mr . leonard , how did you get in a movie . ha . classic hollywood story . the director saw my photo in a medical book . hey , lenny , is your film appropriate for kids . oh , yeah , there are lots of kids in it . they fall victim to a vicious well , b b dont ruin it for me . one adult and four children for the re deadening . whats that , baby button eyes . you want me to kill mummy . but mummy is ever so kind what . your buttons came from the trousers of a psychotic killer . then i have no choice . hey , i paid for this popcorn , and im eating it . mr . simpson , im scared . relax stupid . everything you see is make believe , although it is based on a true story  some of which happened in this very theater . oh , here comes my part . baby button eyes, , what are you doing possessed at this hour . id better tell the governess . oh , god , the prophecy has been fulfilled . the buttons look like theyre sewn to my eyes , but theyre really held on with hot wax . dad , i dont like this movie . can we go home . oh , honey , dont be scared . look , they killed the evil doll . well , what do you know . its unkillable . honey , can daddy rest his soda on your head . mm hmm . thats my girl . you took little children to the re deadening . homer , this is a rare lapse in judgment for you . but scaring kids is good for them . it hardens them against future terrors like roofing and driveway scams . oh , sorry . i forgot i bought the soundtrack album . mm , honey , i know youre scared , but theres no boogie woogies or woolly bullies out there . oh , your nightlights burned out , and the only bulbs we have left are these red ones . it was only a movie filmed in vancouver with donald sutherland as the priest who stopped believing achem . achem . achem . both of us heard mysterious noises coming from this very spot . bart and i will explore the attic until we find their source . must be the pipes . what do you think , bart . i think youre on your own , toots . okay , ill just stay calm and approach this scientifically . oh , god , oh , god , oh , no if i dont make it out alive , i love you , mom and dad . maggie , you can have my books . and bart , ill see you in hell , you booger eating wuss . thats right . we all know . bones . copyright pink pony productions . visit us on the web at lisathemovie . com . homie , that kojak is sexier than cannon and barnaby jones put together . i think he looks a little like you . who loves ya , baby . how about a little interrogation . okay . you have the right to remain sexy . anything you touch can and will be held against you in a court of sex . if you cannot afford a sex torney both mom , dad , theres a ghost in the house . good . can you play with him for half an hour . oh . well , i dont see any ghost . i did find this newsweek from why america loves saddam hussein . thats it . its one thing for a ghost but quite another for him to play my theremin . hello , simpsons . artie ziff . none other . ive been hiding in your attic , living off the moisture i can suck from the rafters . i thought we killed him . no , we didnt . but i did delete him from my bulk e mail list . no , you didnt . thats right . twice a week , i get your e mail of the monkey peeing in his own mouth . oh , yeah . that monkey got america through some tough times . artie ziff . why are you living in our attic . let me explain . i was an internet billionaire . whoop , say no more . i would stop , but i love my voice . it was the go go s . and i was partying with newt gingrich , janeane garofalo and scottie pippen . everyone loved my corporation . and then , the bubble burst . wait . dont go . my stock will have a slight rebound in . i had nothing . they even took my repo vans . i had nowhere to go . so i came here , because marge is the closest thing ive ever had to true love . we had one date . and you were not a gentleman . oh . dont worry . if you let me stay , ill be on my best behavior . not even a fresh remark . except this one . wowie wow , . zazooga . well , i dont know , artie . forgive me . im just so envious of the happiness you all have . can i please be part of it . just till i get back on my feet . no way . hes an annoying sneak whos out to steal my wife . come on , dad . with his brains and your musky smell , ive got a full male role model . and it would be nice to have someone here i can beat up . ow . no fair . im telling . okay , kids , you can keep him . all yay . when she pressed her lips to his forehead and walked out with denise and gary into the warm spring night , she felt that nothing could kill her hope now . nothing . oh , thanks for reading me the corrections . it makes me feel better about my own family . doesnt your father ever read to you . he tried once , but he got confused and thought the book was real . hes still looking for that chocolate factory . it consumes him . hey , mom , can i sleep over at milhouses . i thought you were playing catch with artie . yeah , but after the ice cream man cut up his credit card , he got a little depressed . oh , my . well , homer , maybe you should take him to moes . come on , little fella . youre hangin with me tonight . guys , id like you to meet artie ziff . all hello , handsome . hello losers . kent brockman coming up , can yodeling cure cancer . of course not . but first , where is artie ziff . the s . e . c . wants to know . it seems ziffcorp spent stockholders money on everything from marble toothbrushes to solid gold underpants . small investors have been wiped out . i lost all me screw you money . im very sorry to hear that , willie . screw you . authorities are currently operating under the theory that ziff is living in a cave somewhere . hes not in here , chief . thats some good spelunking , lou . mighty fine spelunking . mm hmm, , . mm hmm, , hmm . okay , read em and weep . i dont know why im losing . maybe i have some kind of tell . hot mamma , im livin in flush town, , population artie . i guess im in for cents . i fold . me , too . im out . im done . i will see your cents and raise you one dollar . whoa . well , im out of cash . but would you accept of the outstanding shares of ziffcorp stock . and the peanuts in your mouth . very well . achem . all of them . achem . flush . what have you got . four jacks . check it out . i own a multinational corporation . i always knew some day id be a c . o . d . freeze . securities and exchange commission . artie ziff , youre wanted for stock manipulation and securities fraud . its scum like you that undermine investor confidence . investor confidence . perhaps this affects me . i own million shares of ziffcorp stock . youre the majority shareholder . i sure am , with all the inherent legal liability . hey , what are you . youre under arrest . wait a minute . how can you arrest homer . this guys the one what done the thing that why youre here for . im talkin malfeasance here . all right , i admit it . i did run ziffcorp into the ground . and this man took me into his home when no one else would . and now , as a result of his brilliant card playing, , hes the one you want . tape his mouth so he cant deny it . dont tell my kids im going to jail . tell them i joined the blue man group . im the fat one . homer simpson , how do you respond to the charge that your company has betrayed the public trust . plead the fifth amend what . refuse to answer on the grounds that i what . inseminate myself . dudes , i think this guys comin on to me . you , sir , are a moron . a mormon .  . but im from earth . oh , for heavens sakes . your majesty , can i go home now . your companys crimes have left a scar on this great nation , and she was so beautiful , but what man would want her now . she was hot . wouldnt want her . my husbands going to jail , and its all your fault . do you know why no one likes you . anti semitism . no . your problem is you never think of anyone besides yourself . marge , i think about a lot more than just moi . artie , ziff ziff . oh my god . shes right . i never want you in this house again . if hes out , can i move back in . oh , what do you think .  . and shes the nice one . okay , kids , this book should help you deal with your feelings . look , maggie , its a pop up . daddys made a shiv . can you help him ice johnny shakes , the jailhouse stoolie . uh oh hey , let me read it to her . johnnys friends get some payback on daddy while hes sleeping . daddys on fire . daddys not on fire . daddys on fire  daddys not on fire . daddys on fire daddys not on fire . okay , fine , he is . i miss you guys so much . the smell of marges pork chops the way you kids kiss my owies when i go boom . this place has become like a prison to me . hey , dad , maybe thisll cheer you up . why , you little aw , its no use , son . by the time i get out of here , youll be grown . turn around , turn around turn around and youre a young man and youre too big to choke . well , look who showed his face . the louse who sold out his only friend . youve got a lot of nerve comin here but since you did , whatll it be . first ones on the house . is this dump open . we were jogging and ran out of cigarettes . pardon me for intruding , but i believe teenage girls shouldnt smoke . are you still living with marge . no . she kicked me out for sending her husband to prison . you put homer in jail . oh the hair is standing up on the back of my knees . keep your odor eaters on , selma . ive seen you get hurt too many times . im not going to let him into my heart or my bedroom . just ten minutes on the beanbag . come on , short round , were going back to my temple of doom . be gentle . uh , you know they say that the love of a good woman can save any man . except you , freak . well , if you change your mind , you know where i am . in my nightmares . im going to stop now . selma what the hell are you doing . i cant get my socks off . aw , leave em on . i like a man with a little mystery . im done . my kind of man . wonderful , glorious , magnificent . and you were pretty good , too . oh selma , youve made a new man of me . thanks to your angry love , i can no longer sit by selfishly while another suffers for my book cooking . what are you going to do . first , im going to read the paper , have a little nosh , and then im going to rinse out a few things , and then , finally , i will get an innocent man out of jail . well , he cant break my heart , cause he kind of makes me sick . this could work . artie ziff shocked investigators today by turning over a second set of books detailing his own financial culpability and exonerating stumbling , bumbling boob homer simpson . simpsons grateful family had this to say im so happy to be getting my husband back . and im happy to listen to fm . home of boomer and the diz . bart . chill out , mom . they gave me this hat . sorry you were wrongfully imprisoned , simpson . can i apply my time toward a future crime . you can either steal a car or kick me in the crotch . no one ever chooses the car . oh , dad . i missed you so much . oh , my god . maggie , youre talking . homer , i believe thats lisa . oh , bart , what a man youve become . artie , thank you for doing the right thing eventually . all i needed was the love of a good woman , and since youre not interested , uh im not . merely checking , because im into that . ill visit you in two weeks . i have to admit ill miss having him around . i dont think weve seen the last of artie ziff . yo , hobbit , im , like , your roommate . oh , smoker , eh . well , i have ways of dealing with you . squirt , . your lungs will thank me . kids , youd better take your last look at uncle artie . oh , look , theres a whole bunch of you . squirt , . thats it , circle around me . squirt , . oh , im going to need more water . captioned by media access group at wgbh access . wgbh . springfield . were live at the opening of the latest chapter of the epic space saga , cosmic wars . and the nerds have emerged from their basements , wearing strange costumes to shield their pasty skin from the moonlight . simpsons , your lack of costumes ill befits line positions two , three and four . wheres your costume . your ignorance is amusing , and sad . i am dressed in the actual clothing worn by cosmic wars creator randall curtis . i bought them at auction , then added pregnancy panels to fit my unique body type . one ticket for the space show . i want to see if any of them aliens match up to the one i got in my root cellar . one ticket for cosmic wars . uh , sir , this is the line for the momentum of things , starring ellen burstyn and jim broadbent . aw , man . i waited three weeks at the wrong ticket window . man , even i think movie popcorn has gotten too big . ow . get your own , mooch . yes . finally . amendments .  . regulatory agencies .  . what the fark bot . dont worry , theyre just getting the plot out of the way so it wont slow down the before the galactic senate votes , we shall call roll . star system abbotan . here . star system acroilius . star system trebulon prime . whoa , mama . finally , some action . mr . chairman , i propose a procedural amendment to space bill number . youll wait your turn . very well . trebulon minor . oh , im so bored . maybe ill clean out my wallet . hey , my car insurance expired . quite a while ago . son , if you dont dig more coal , theyll put you on the dynamite gang . no dy mite . i didnt realize british coal miners had it so bad . theres blood on your hands , mrs . thatcher . jim jam, , what happened to the wheel covers on my landing gear . me sa sell them to buy me sa some space spliff . that character is just a tired stereotype . yes , and its a makin a me so mad , im a gonna throw the meatballs at a screen . but first i gotta pose for a pizza box . the decision is final . tabled , this motion is . or is it . that sucked . i cant believe the gathering shadow was senate redistricting . worst cosmic wars ever . i will only see it three more times . today . homer thats it . from now on , im not looking forward to anything . oh , my god . tomorrow , theres a two for sale on piano benches . i cant wait . oh , . i feel so ripped off by that crappy movie , im gonna chip a big hole in the floor . kids , why dont you write a complaint letter . thats how i got the channel six weather girl to start wearing a bra . that was you .  . mm hmm . a letter , huh . okay lis , get this down dear randall curtis , your movie stunk smelly butt . i am fine . sincerely ill write the letter . marge , you destroyed my interest in weather . lisa dear cosmic wars fan , im glad you loved my film . heres a photo of your favorite new character , jim jam bonks . may the power be on your side , randall curtis .  . he ignored our criticisms . were going to have to track randall curtis down and make him listen to us . and i know just where to find him evergreen terrace . dad , thats our address . hes in the house . no , he lives at the cosmic wars ranch in northern california . both can we go . can we go . please . please . please . please . please . well , northern california is wine country . we could take a tour . and its a perfect time . i just got fired again . enjoy your tour , and take it easy on mr . curtis . your father and i will be across the street at the lush valley winery . marge , are you sure we should go drinking together . i mean , who am i gonna complain about while im drinking . we should do more together . youre my best friend , homie . well , yeah , legally . but if were really best friends , how come we never play hoops . the doctor said if you tried running again , your ankles would shatter . mmm all right . well go on the winery tour . but you have to catch me first . oh . oh , my ankle snapped . this is the creature works  where , if you dream it , we can make it . unless it has too many fingers , which are tough . man wheres the aliens . who knows what fantastic creature these two men are creating . its a hip hop loaf of garlic bread for an olive garden commercial . yo , . entrees start at .  . offer not good on sunday , fool . cmon , bart , heres our chance . but the breads still dancing . man the mediterranean climate is reproduced by cool pacific winds , mixed with exhaust fumes from the highway . ah , summer in tuscany . mmm , it goes great with the jolly rancher im sucking on . pleasant aroma , rich full body , well aged and the wines not bad either . oh , stop ieinfeld . we always get the hicks on saturdays . lord kraylac , if you want to take that deduction , youll have to bring your receipts . then bring them i shall . this is awesome . hey , what are you doing here . we come from the real world . and were here to tell you that your movies have lost their way . no , they havent . my characters are getting better all the time , now that weve perfected digital eyelash rendering . better technology doesnt mean better storytelling . well , now i know youre crazy . wait , before you have us killed , hear us out . i will wait ten of your earth seconds . your early movies are timeless classics . please , mr . curtis , go back to what made your first films so great . you know what . youre right . im going back to my roots plots and characters lifted from westerns and samurai films . to the video store . kids , please accept these boxes of jim jam cereal . its just alpha bits with extra js . hyah . well , weve learned if you dont like something , just go to the office and complain . whats our next stop . fox broadcasting , building . i drank this much . moms not gonna like this . dont tell mama what mama dont like . come here , you big lug . wow mom and dad sure are having fun . hey , as long as theyre not hurting anybody . uh oh . whoa . aah . please stop . aah . ill give you money . aah . okay , im going to tell . ow . aah . homie , to store the extra wine we bought , i made a little wine cellar . oh , can i have my special cup . well , ive been using it for laundry soap , but , okay . homie , you are so cute . oh , honey , i love to hear you laugh . i dont talk like that . yes , you do . well , you talk like oh , marge , sorry i set the bed on fire . d ohh . hey , you do a great me , marge . you got to show the guys at moes . moes tavern . thats your fun place , like me and the lamp store . come on , well have a blast . kids , while were out , the tvs in charge . go to bed when it says . two glasses of wine , moe . wine . geez . no one ever orders that . umm all i got is this old stuff here . chateau latour  oh , i should just throw this out . no , itll have to do . thatll be four bucks . now , in a step i perhaps should have taken initially , let me look up the value of that bottle in this wine collectors guide here . oh , what have i done . let me dry my tears with this lost shakespeare play . come here you little did you guys get home at last night . yep . your mother and i have become a legendary party couple . like scott and zelda munster . the best part is , i dont have to ask your father where he was all night , because i was there . why are your keys in my scrambled eggs . and why is krusty on the couch . thisll cover what i did to the fireplace . were all alone , no chaperone cant get our number the worlds in slumber lets misbehave oh , my head . oh . do you have to make such an unholy racket . sorry , marge  i got to break in my ski boots some time . maybe we should put this booze cruise in dry dock for a while . no problem . we can still have fun without you drinking . okay and maybe you could cut back , too . you got it . and when i feel weak , i will draw strength from the bible . uh oh . here comes the gospel according to puke . i hope i can still have fun while everyone else is drinking . dont worry , honey . i dont even know if they serve alcohol at this thing . duffmensch orders you to party . this reich will last a thousand beers . oh , ja . i do this , and im jewish . eins , zwei , drei , beer . ah , the germans . you just cant stay mad at em . well , i dont want to be a gloom hilda . i guess one beer wont hurt . isnt that a little big . you can just nurse it . nurse it . nurse it . have you ever walked on stilts . its not that great . yes , and youve said that several times now . why do people worry about stuff . its all going to work out . all good points . sleep tight , my drunken angel . im in no condition to drive . wait  i shouldnt listen to myself . im drunk . okay , . remember the rules for drinking and driving . drive slow but not too slow . drink some cola to keep yourself alert . what the . nice work , cruise control . are we home yet . in a minute , honey . oh , my god . if i get one more d . u . i . theyll take away my license . and what will i leave when i rent erblades . oh , boy , i smell beer . devils mouthwash . you werent calling it that at the christmas party . okay , im going to need you to let that go , chief . oh , my god . this d . u . i . is a she u . i .  . oh , no im going to be incarcer .  . incarcer incarer im going to jail . what was that . maybe someone else is here . and maybe hell step forward and admit to being the real culprit . bawk oh oh . oh , this is a new low for me . i paid your bail , honey . youre free to go . i cant believe i drove drunk . but you do believe it , right . i dont know what to believe anymore . thats my girl . just take me home . moe wheres your wife tonight , homer . shes not coming anymore . what . its cause of her i put in a bidet . well , its actually just a stepladder by the water fountain . listen , moe , i did something really terrible to someone i love . hey , look , ive been in the bartender business for a long time , all right . ive heard it all . well , what i did was oh . what are you . youre like a monster . thats , like , the worst thing ive ever heard anybody do to anybody . you should be drinking watered down beer in a chipped glass on a stool with a nail sticking up out of it . you know what . can i have some peanuts . yeah , all right . but i get to poke you with a stick . hey , did you see the game last night . the blood of christ . hey , save some for the rest of us , alky . dont bogart our lord . im not a drunk . now , marge , we do not judge here . todays service is concluded . suggest you all get on the road before marge . marge , when i finally decided to stop drinking , there was a place that really helped me out . maybe they can help you . this is a pamphlet for chimney sweeping . is it , marge . is it . oh , it is . here you go . this place is great . it cured me five times . my drinking problem is out of control . at oktoberfest , all i could think about was beer . i couldnt even celebrate the harvest . homer i cant talk to my wife for days . sir , she is not an alcoholic . you cant put me on hold . ill put you on hold . i am a lineman for the county your call is important to us . please continue to hold . and i drive the main road there are eight calls ahead of you . and the wichita lineman is still on the li li . dad , i still have a couple of questions about this . mom never drives drunk , and the crash was in your car . also , the drivers seat was adjusted for your stomach lisa , your suspicions are important to me and will be answered in the order received . macarthur park is melting in the dark all that sweet green icing rolling down someone left my cake out in the li li you know how some people are chocoholics . well , im an alcoholic . look , im not sure this place is working . the drinkers are smoking , the smokers are drinking , and the gamblers are having sex with everyg that moves . hey , baby , you want to play caribbean stud . ill show you what im holding . get away from me . your loss , stupid lady . flanders , can you watch my kids while im at the rehab clinic . oh , thank god . youre finally fighting your demons . my demons and i are closer than ever . next year were gonna visit every major league baseball park . im just going in to bust marge out . well , thats good too , i guess . feed my pets and tape my shows . im here to deliver a package to marge simpson . wheres the package . damn it . homer . marge . i have an awful confession to make . you didnt crash that car . it was me . i put you behind the wheel and im so , sorry . you let me believe that id done such a terrible thing . marge , i did it out of love . love of not being arrested . but i realize now that nothing is more important than you . i cant believe you did that to me . that woman means the world to me . would it be all right if i read from my bible . of course . no wonder they call it the good book . i am so cheesed off . i need a drink . then you should thank god youre in a rehab center . cause were packin . arr , a couple of these and your first mate turns into reese witherspoon . pour me another . just take the whole leg . whats with all those rappin grannies in the movies . if i ever start rappin , just shoot me in the head . how you doin , big blue . well , i feel a buzz , but i dont feel happier . its not like when i was drinking with homer . maybe it wasnt the alcohol you liked . hey , youre right . what i enjoyed was spending time with my husband . youre hooked on love , marge . i know that feelin . nine months later , seymour plopped outta me . i woulda kept walking , but there were cops everywhere . well , i love my husband and im glad i do . my name is marge s . and im a homer holic . youre drinkin homer hol . ill take a swig . im afraid what i like cant be swallowed , sniffed or smoked . hmm . then you better inject it between my toes , cause my mom checks my arms . thanks for everything , kyle . yes , i really dont think you two should leave . hes a chronic alcoholic and youre in complete denial . aw , shut up , captain bringdown . homie , i want you to promise me youll cut down on the drinking . okay , marge . for you ill give up rum based cocktails . except mojitos and rum and coke . well , thats no promise at all . its important for me to see you take at least one step . then maybe we can have some memories together that arent just a nauseous blur . all right . for you , i will give up all clear liquors . really . even zima . hey , i only drink that when im already drunk . you really mean it . hey , anythings possible with a little help from my bible . oh , no . its a real one . no . why , god , why . captioned by media access group at wgbh access . wgbh . springfield . official captions captured by with the ati tv wonder pro tv magazine program captioning sponsored by fox broadcasting company and twentieth century fox where are your clothes for the gentleman whos big and fat . the basement , sir . homer , before you get anywhere near the escalator , youve got to tie those shoes . homer . so many shoppers . damn this  oh . resilient economy . oh . this is our lil hooker line . all the girls your age are wearing it  except the freakishly unpopular . but im eight years old . so is your look . are you aware that youve exposed your skin to a whole host of airborne de beautifiers . no . this dermal magnifier will show the extent of the damage . hes eating my beauty . mm hmm . skin mites love the taste of beauty . try this rejuvenating lotion . it contains over whoa . i hope he didnt have children . do they have children . millions of them . sir , other customers need to use that dressing room . dressing room . uh oh . edna , we dont need wedding china . the dishes mother won on lets make a deal are holding up nicely . seymour , if we register for these dishes , our wedding guests will buy them for us . and i suppose those wedding guests will also pay for dishwashing liquid , heated water , and two sided sponges . hm . silent anger the cornerstone of a successful marriage . cool . guns . die , happy couples . thats not a toy , son . its a bar code reader . it registers wedding gifts . bull honky . no , not bull honky . a couple uses the gun to select gifts they want for their wedding . if youll excuse me , im going to the employee lounge to finish my shasta . hmm . name of groom . bart simpson . name of bride . lotta cooties . its a nice day for a white wedding its a nice day to start again a fake wedding . thats what i call chutzpah . yeah . im gonna scam this town out of so many presents . and what i dont use , im gonna return for store credit . both store credit . store credit . store credit . another employee family wedding . whats the traditional peasant gift in these parts , a milking cow . actually , silverware is all thats left on the registry . see if lenny wants to go in on a spoon . remember , if anyone asks , youre my niece from out of town . i am your niece , uncle joe . good lord , im an abomination . this prank is my sergeant peppers . i see neither blushing bride , nor ardent swain . there is no wedding here . oh , my god , were sealed in . hey , nobody breathe my air . get your own . why , you selfish little maggot . ill suck your lungs dry . knock it off . yes . so , you thought youd pull a fake wedding , eh . youre under arrest . come on , chief , it was just a prank . would some flatware make things right . um , what does it say on my badge . cash bribes only . lets go . bart , the record of your mischief is staggering . just look at this file . that doesnt look so big . these are directions to the facility where barts criminal record occupies three full storage lockers . six feet by eight . six by . bart simpson , i hereby sentence you to six months at the springfield juvenile correctional facility . juvie .  . please , judge , you cant . i ill do anything . ill squeal on my dad  hes been up to bad things . crap you never even thought of . weve already got an informer working deep cover on your dad . one hell never suspect . is it lenny . damn it . i mean uh , no . now , take that kid away . no . youre not going to take my baby to jail . all right , boys , shes not letting go . make the switch . your eyes need diapers . your eyes need di thats good , ralphie . one slingshot one pack of cards , baseball one doodle , fartzilla one harmonica . perfect mood setter for the end of your freedom . lessons by mail , worthwhile . my baby boy is in jail . im the worst mom in the world . its not all your fault . all these years , i watched you turn our son into a time bomb , and yet i did nothing . so in a way , i , too , am a victim of you . youre a great mom . you were always there for bart with love and support . his acting out was probably caused by negative reinforcement . oh , i get it . blame the strangler . woman just because youve done time at juvie doesnt mean the world has given up on you . see for yourself the exciting careers that wait for you upon your release . these are all fast food jobs . ex cons are a godsend to employers like me . if you ask for a raise , i just call your parole officer and back in the can you go . they fight , and fight ah , cartoons . americas only native art form . i dont count jazz , cause it sucks . freedom . bloodshed . i declare an end to the spectacular blood and gore . they cut all the good parts . ive lost everything i loved . okay , if i use my head , i can keep out of trouble . better stay out of the sandbox , i could be buried alive . maybe the slide dont forget to buy your photos . ill just hang out next to girls juvie . hello , ladies . im gina . you touch my fence again and your pubertys going to be very boring . god , i hate this place . its nothing like the brochure . its horrible in here . the boys beat me up , the girls beat me up . now sweetie , you shouldnt hang around with people who beat you . theyre not true friends . times up . my poor boy is miserable in here . there has to be something i can do to help him . ah , interesting . marge , what does that sign say . so , why do you want to be a guard here . i believe that children are the future , unless we stop them now . welcome aboard . this ends for beating , this ends for holding . uh huh . when does training start . it just finished . hey , catch . thats my doll . keep away . keep away . homer put that sissy down . if youre going to pick on someone , why dont you pick on someone much bigger than you with a gun . dad . thats right . i got a job here so i can watch over you like a mother hen . his dads a screw . i sure am . here you go , son . i brought you a lollipop from the guards lounge . neh . not so tough now , huh . homer yeah well , thats the end of my shift . see you monday . oh , wait , mondays martin luther king day . oh , ill see you when i see you . love you . uh , this lollipops really for everybody . warden studies show the part of the brain that remembers dance steps is also the anger center . so , juveniles who know how to fox trot are less likely to commit a double homicide . who conducted this study . the institute of shut your fat face . now pair up . hes mine . him . why . i like them small and bug eyed . you two will dance , and youll like it . then youll have punch and youll drink it . then your eyes will meet , and it will be awkward . so help me god . okay , heres my rules . hands at and no eye contact , and i dont want to hear how pretty i look . dont worry , you wont . were getting out of here . whoa . theyre escaping . seal the perimeter . im on it . cant you go any faster . well , i can close it faster , or i can close it right . cant you do both . talk to the union . im getting out in two weeks . why would i want to break out with you . well , you do look pretty in the moonlight . hey , guards . help . help . guess where the next ones going . up my butt . why did you kiss me . are you looking to do the bartman . hey , im only sticking with you till i get these chains off . and if we get caught , im telling them this was your idea . yeah . why would they believe you . because i can do this . that mean boy he dragged me out of the dance . i didnt want to go , but he was too strong . but you got pounds on me . and then he said i was fat . oh , i am screwed . you bet you are . now as long as were together , i expect you to be a man . but i have to wizzle . fine . i miss prison . brockman i am not chipping in on a birthday cake for that jackass arnie pye . let him eat this is kent brockman , live at springfield juvenile hall , the scene of a daring escape by inmates bart simpson and gina vendetti . to understand the mindset of the escapees , weve brought in an expert , former under aged offender snake . if theyre smart , kent , theyll stay off the main roads . its all here in my book  ten habits of highly successful criminals . all right , i plugged your book . now put down the gun . tell them ill be on conan thursday , with heather locklear and third eye blind . why would bart escape if hes going to be released in two weeks . you just dont understand boys . hes stupid . but he wont know where to go or what to eat . relax , whats the worst that could happen . you shall marry my daughter , moonhilda . i cant wait to lay my eggs in his brain . no son of mine will be marched down the aisle at the barrel of a ray gun . lets go . bart so whyd they send you to juvie . shoplift a scrunchie . get bent . i pushed snow white over the parapet at disneyland . oh , man . did she live . yeah , but its not a good life . gina , before we get any closer , theres something you need to know about me . i think girls are icky pants . took a lot of courage to say that . courage im going to pinch out of you . wiggum say , cletus , have you seen a couple of kids go by . i dont have such a good memory since i drank my thermometer but i whittles what i sees . is this them . it sure is . were on the right track . uh , hey , what are you making now . uh , sometimes i whittles the future . hmm . bart great . i can get these handcuffs off before i get a full blown case of the cooties . bart , i cant believe you dont know this , but theres no such thing as cooties , cootie shots , cootie force fields, , or cootie insurance . but state farm took my money . when we split up , where are you going to go . dont worry , my familyll hide me till the heats off . wow , your parents are cool . oh , man , theres a line . you ke your ink hole shut about this . both were free . were free . bart , im going to miss you so much . hey , the next time my mom asks me to help around the house , i could come live with your family . dont get fresh with me , jerk . take it from a blacksmith  that girls trouble . oh , that girls nuts . first she likes me then she hates me . ive already forgotten how ugly she is . id better eyeball that ape one more time . whats up . dont you want to get back to that awesome family of yours . what are you crying about . how cool they are . oh , i know youre sad now , but surely your incredible family will cheer you up . wait do you even have a family . no , i dont . theyre imaginary , like your brain . hey , i understand . you dont understand anything . youre such a psycho . mamas boy . future skank . family guy . wiggum well , . if it isnt punch n juvie . plant the evidence on them , boys . uh , chief , we dont have to . these ones are actually guilty . super . makes our job that much easier . oh , bart , my troubled little lamb . youll be in jail for so long . but ill keep your room just the way it was  a pigsty . son , i want you to know , no matter what anyone says , theres no shame in being caught alive . take a good , long look at the innocent love in your sons eyes , cause when he gets out of prison , itll be gone forever . he will have a great bod , though . and a couple of those teardrop tattoos . those are cool . theres something i have to tell you guys . look , my fly is down cause its broken , okay . no , its something else . bart , she took all the responsibility for the escape . youre free to go . but the kids still got time on his sentence , chief . look , if you all want to squeeze into the back seat , fine . with my box kite . oh , forget it . welcome back , gina . i got a few new cell mates for you . thats cool . i wouldnt feel right going to the bathroom with no one watching . i thought you might want to have a nice family dinner . were having make  your own night . gina , thanks for showing us the meaning of christmas . and thanks for showing my brother that girls can be cool . who is this nerd . taco , please . well , my shifts over . i guess its back to my bachelor apartment . make a tuna sandwich , turn on will and grace and cry myself to sleep . mm would you like to join us . didnt you hear me . ive got an evening planned . media access group at wgbh access . wgbh . org adapted by ninjaw . p . b . for forom . springfield . im going to sleep on the couch . she sure loves that couch . its the world series of kickball bart simpson on the mound . the catcher gives him the signal .  . and heres the pitch . oh , my god . ive shredded a child . again . venezuela , here i come . and while the schools only ball is being repaired the following alternative sports will be offered dodge rock, , volley brick and base game . i want to play dodge rock . youre out . finally , on a personal note , mrs . krabappel and i are to be joined in holy wedlock this saturday . well be honeymooning at lake shelbyville lodge , cabin room three . and we do not wish to be disturbed . way to go , mrs . k . you finally hooked the skinfish . it looks good but im not going to celebrate till hes gaffed , gutted and hanging in my trophy room . ha . we have the same dream , maam . my bonnie lies over the ocean my bonnie lies over the sea all right , we got sex with an alligator , screaming orgasms and virgin screaming orgasms . oh , sexy drinks , adult board games im glad i sent the kids to grampas to protect their innocent minds .  .  . and heres some more germans we killed . that flame thrower really toasted their waffles . grampa , how do you sleep at night . they drug us . its another pair of edible panties . now , thats sexual . homer , this bachelor party seems to have peaked . would you please return my pants andor underpants so i can go home . come on , its your last night of freedom . you got to have some fun . o are all of you people . were your buddies . now , come on , homers kids principal , have a beer . i cant  i might be called upon to give directions later . skinner . you were asked to chug a , and a lug you shall chug . theres something ive wanted to say to you for a long time . am i a good principal . youre the best we could get with the funds at our disposal . delivering these ice cold lady duffs has made me hot . really hot . come on , duffman . ah , oh , ah . oh , yeah . sorry to bother you , but we got an anonymous tip about loud music and a strip da . oh , look , girls , a policeman is here . well , weve been awfully naughty . youd better lay down the law . hey , ladies , i i really am a cop . whoa . is that a five . well , this uniform is a little snug . oh , yeah , ha ha, , whoo . uh , eddie , lou , how about a little backup here . hmm , like what you see , ladies . all right . hmm , . wiggum oh , yeah . oh , okay . uh , can we , uh can we i think i i threw my back out . you know , i wish i had an exciting life , like that class picture photographer . oh . how many women has he had in that van . two that i know of . lets kick this up a notch and get you some wiggle in your lap . oh , yeah . no . absolutely no friction dancing . oh , come on , you killjoy . wussy . grinch . hey , take it easy on skinner . hes just down cause after tomorrow , everything he does is wrong . oh , marriage is gonna be great . now youll have someone wholl rub your back without being asked . aah , not this again . yes , this again . you know , homer , edna was bugging me and bugging me to set a date , and i picked one that seemed far away , and it zoomed up like a june bug flying at my windshield . what are you trying to tell me , skinner . ah homer lenny my man i could never lie to you guys . im starting to get cold feet . please dont tell anyone . dont worry . your secrets safe with me . marge , guess what . skinner wants to bail on his wedding . homer , youre still talking to me . oh , man , its just awkward . im out of here . principal skinner is having second thoughts . poor edna . yeah , marge , it looks like you got the last perfect man . oh , by the way , can i borrow your car tomorrow . mines acting up . every day you find a new way to aggravate me . hey , youre the one always bugging me to screw up our marriage . spice up . spice up . whatever . the important thing is to get skinner to that altar , because once a union has been sanctified by god , it takes at least six months to tear it apart . right , naked duffman . hmm . oh , uh oh , yeah . i think skinner might make a run for it . hes eyeing the exits and doing calf stretches . dont worry , ive got a man on the perimeter . cowabunga one to fat load . this is fat load . id like to request a new code name . denied . okay , fat load here . here comes the bride . repeat . here comes the bride . mrs . k . you look awesome . thank you , otto . that cloud looks awesome . that rock looks awesome . my hands look awesome . hey , champ . ready to take the plunge . you know im not . we had a long discussion about that where i clearly indicated the coldness of my feet . happy th anniversary , seymour . i was thinking it might be time to combine our cd collections . i dont know , edna . im not quite ready to take that plunge . seymour . my larval sac fell in the toilet . go fish it out . quick , edna . ill use your purse as a scoop . well , this is it , edna . as i once said at the battle of khe sanh , i surrender . we are gathered together today to join seymour and edna in holy matrimony . does anyone present know any reason why these two should not be wed . i do . no , you say that part later . im sorry , seymour . i cant marry someone who doesnt want to be with me . we got a runner . snipers , take your shot . i cant do it . that dress is a vera wang . edna . mm is this corn oil . canola . he drove her to it you know . she was only doing it for the appliances . hes a she . shes a he . theyre both , . well , im afraid edna has gone from tardy to absent . so lets move onto the reception and forget this awkwardness with some delicious shrimp mocktail . principal skinner , i feel so bad for you . well , in retrospect , i couldve been a little more into the whole thing . just the two of us building castles just the two of us . i spent on those dance lessons , might as well use them . forward , side , together . back , side , together . this is so sad . yeah , hes crazy all right . all right , students , what is the center of the circulatory system . its the heart . the heart . you mean like principal skinners , which you broke . what do you care . you hate principal skinner . eh , bros before hos . nelson , ill see you after class . ill be there . will you . mom , what are you doing here . did our house burn down . oh , thatd be cool . no , im here to have a little girl talk with mrs . krabappel . so how are you holding up . actually , i feel fine . why should i settle for someone whos not passionate about me . oh , passions for teens and immigrants . im just glad to have someone to look at when i wake up in the morning . really . well unkink the hose . hmm sure there are downsides . but a relationship cant be all hand holding and restaurant desserts . why not . if i cant have romance and excitement , then whats the point of being married . well , its in my case hmm oh , god , ive lost the love of my life . barts right , i am a wiener . geez , homer , this guy is bringing the whole bar down . i finally got barney back on the sauce . if he doesnt have fun , he could easily slip right back into sobriety . dont worry . if i feel the urge to sober up , ill just talk to my sponsor . drink or ill die . wait a minute . i thought you didnt want to get married . that was before i missed her smell , her warmth , her beautiful , penmanship . dont worry , principal skinner . seymour . really . boy , it sucks to be you . anyhoo , if theres one thing i know , its how to win back a furious woman . well go to her house , and ill whisper to you exactly what to say . really . youll be my cyrano . hey , if we get your girlfriend back i wont have to . okay , just repeat after me . edna , i made a huge mistake and i want you back . edna , i made a huge mistake and i want you back . hows that , homer . mm hmm . oh , god , its seymour . what do i say . you just say its too late . im free and loving it , principal skinner . hey , tell her every second without you is like a million kicks in the crotch . oh , thats so lovely . but its too late to win us back with sweet talk . what the . marge . are you helping her . i wont let edna throw her life away for some passionless marriage where two people lie in bed together with no contact , whittling away the batteries until they die . which are you saying is dead . our marriage or our batteries . lets just say in an emergency , i wouldnt count on either one . homer , marge , if i could just speak to edna for a moment . shut up . i didnt tell you to say that . just why am i taking your advice . because im successfully married . theres no ring on that finger . uh oh . oh , why did i take it off . oh , right . to see if i could skip it across lake michigan . im here to return the gift you brought to our wedding . ah , yes . an incredible hulk melon baller . well , im glad youll be able to enjoy it . i think you did the right thing . you didnt want your life to turn out like this . oh , youre cute . is there a mrs . comic book guy . well , i was married once in an online fantasy game . we were thinking of having children , but that would have severely drained my power crystals . stop it , you big kidder . yes , kidder . would you like to get some coffee . and a family bucket of chicken . weve made it to my car and you havent left . a new record . oh , i love your black tinted windows . actually , theyre trash bags . now , could you give me a pushing start . string quartet , are you tuned up . as tuned as were going to get in this humidity . and the castrati . the what now . and a one and a two and a oh , edna k , oh , edna k , oh , edna k , oh , edna k oh , edna k , oh , edna k ms . krabappel , a sad principal is desperate and needy if you come home , i wont die alone and thats what id prefer uh plee settle for seymour so plee ee come back to the dork well , if it isnt the square in our love triangle . what are you doing in ednas place . where is she . my beloved is napping blissfully in the many folds of my spider man t shirt . as for myself , i am popping kettle corn . this cant be happening . oh , but it can . i adore edna . she is near mint and comes from a very limited edition  females who will talk to me . give her back to skinner . a fat , bald guy like you could have anyone . forget you . edna and i are in love . were doing everything together . breakfast , bath , and then the bi monthly science fiction convention . join me . the bi mon sci fi con .  . youve heard of it . is it romantic . hey , women have put out just to get out of there . ednas with comic book guy . oh , god , shes on the rebound . and you meet the worst guys on the rebound . its how jackie got her o . okay , well go to the convention , sell my lois lane comics , buy some jimmy olsens , and stop edna from making a terrible mistake . i wish youd devote this much time and attention to our relationship . dont worry , marge . well get something to eat . warning , you could be photographed and used in ads looking like that i dont see skinner anywhere . hes probably in costume  he could be any of these people . theyre all too old to be dressed up like super people . homer , lets just hurry up and go home so i can yell at you . oh , my goodness , its matt groening . wow , the creator of futurama . mr . groening , will you autograph my bender doll . sure . im happy to give anyone my autograph anytime or anywhere on the street , in a store or on my private property , but why be happy with just an autograph . what about an original sketch or snippet of my hair . and dont forget to pull my beard . they say its good luck . look  there they are . theyre going into multi purpose room b . that room has a dry erase board . they could be doing anything in there . anything . edna , the klingons have a romantic saying all aw roughly translated , it means i would kill the children of a thousand planets just to see you smile . aw that is the most romantic thing ive ever heard , which is kind of sad if you think about it . edna , i want you to marry me  right here and now . if you marry me , we will honeymoon in nebulon five , also known as san diego . skinner no . hands off my fiancee , wide ride . why are you dressed like catwoman . you oh , they told me it was catman . now prepare for some roughhousing . oh . oh . d ohh . should we aid our brother in his blood feud . no . my mom worked really hard on this costume . stop it . stop it , both of you . seymour , its too late for you to win me back . this man worships me . he actually wants to be my husband . the female has made her decision . prepare the feast of goldfish crackers . im not marrying you either . there are a million valid reasons , but which one did you pick . weve had a great time together , but were too different . i dont understand . its like im dc comics , and youre marvel . i understand completely . i dont think i want to be tied down to anybody . take me to some real men . okay , you can watch my dad and my brothers beat me up . come back home with mama , son . ill make you some hot cocoa , while you sit in your shame closet and think about what you did . well , at least i went down like a man . you look like a malaysian transsexual . good for you , mrs . k . yeah . you dont need a husband to be happy . okay , marge , i hear you . now that krabappels made her decision , its time to whitewash over our problems . im afraid , this time , a coat of whitewash wont cover it . our marriage is just an illusion . he doesnt care how i feel at all . he doesnt know how to love . marge , the greatest day of my life was the day you and i became one . would you marry me again . oh , its very sweet , but i dont need a wheres that coming from . a band in a closet . every girls dream . and now , padre , if you would do the honors . marge i do . marge , you just agreed to raise the kids klingon . marge d ohh . captioned by media access group at wgbh access . wgbh . springfield . yesterday i asked everyone to think of other liquids you could fill a balloon with . water . thank you , nelson . anyone else . hot sauce . kearney , that could blind someone . you get an a . now , for a practical demonstration . first , we load the ordnance then select the target . not otto  hed drive us off a cliff . off a cliff . that would solve everything . why cant you be friends , like me and mr . finger . youve betrayed me for the last time . horseplay on a school bus . has the world gone mad . your stop . shame on you two creeps . its your fault , for giving birth to my archenemy . at least i was planned . stop it . no one was planned . now , we have to pack for great uncle tyrones birthday tomorrow . in dayton . dayton , ohio . its got wright patterson air force base and a zipper museum . they have a zipper from every james bond . why are we even going . last year , uncle tyrone was bitter and depressed . why wont i die . were staying at the dayton arms hotel . it got three diamonds from five diamond magazine . please dont make us go . if you make me get on that plane , ill give myself diarrhea . i know how . okay , dont go . just stay here and rot with grampa . im only rotting on the right side . ill right side you . all right , kids , you dont have to go . but i insist we do something tonight as a family . well play board games , put photos in an album , measure how much youve grown what is your deal , anyway . well , i i lets just rent a movie . thats the stuff . bridesheads gonna get revisited tonight , baby . im sorry , sir . the computer says the movie chocolate star wars doesnt exist . i say you dont exist . no , im right here , under staff . what i want is a really good weeper . what about love story . its about a harvard chick that puts out for a guy and then croaks . and it saved paramount studios for charlie bluhdorn . a chick flick .  . oh , say it aint so , ho . son , seeing sappy movies with a lady has certain payoffs . like what . theyll do something with you that they hate . exactly . where do i begin to tell the story of how great a love can be . the sweet love story that is older than the sea the simple something that dum deedle now lets push play . what can you say about a girl who died . i say bury her , before she starts to smell . the man asked a question . love means never having to say youre sorry . no , it doesnt . this movie is drivel . shes wooden and unpleasant , and no matter what he does , hes still ryan oneal . opinion noted . now , if you dont mind , your father and i are trying to lose ourselves in this romantic fantasy . yeah , were tryin to create a mood here , so shut the hell up . homie , if i died , would you be sad . well , i wouldnt be happy . love means never having to say bart , stop fooling with the remote . lisa made me . with a witchs spell . its called wicca , and its empowering . wiccas a hollywood fad . thats kabala , jerk . stupid kids ruin everything . so , youre notin the mood anymore , are you . you know im usually good for a triple x throwdown , but between those kids and going to uncle tyrones , we cant be alone . were alone now . youre never alone in this crapshack . why , you little . what kind of an airline routes all their flightsthrough nome , alaska . its their hub . homie , look at them . honeymooners  no kids , no worries . heres your future . not me , i do crunches . remember our honeymoon . oh , ive gotta get back to work . hold that thought . attention miami passengers , suntan airlines is now boarding rows pia colada through daiquiri . you know , if we were younger and crazier , wed trade in these tickets and run off to miami . marge , lets do it . what about uncle tyrone . we got one weekend to ourselves , and we gotta spend it watching some old geezers odometer turn over . as the bible says screw that . we dont have boarding passes , but we need to get on that plane for reasons that are utterly insane . go ahead , what do i care . im getting laid off tomorrow . were ditching our kids and taking a second honeymoon . and were blowing off uncle tyrones birthday . you guys are such party animals , were gonna skip the safety check and just take off . im afraid weve overbooked this flight so much for getting my groove back . so were upgrading you to first class . theres a first class . sir , what would you like for dinner . a steak , or two steaks . can i have both . of course . this is so luxurious . i feel like imprincess grace and princess di smashed together . and look at me , im reading the economist . did you know indonesia is at a crossroads . no . it is . i guess you could call him the little tortoise that couldnt . see our web site for the recipe . this just in  a monster tornado is tearing through dayton , ohio . thats where mom and dad are . looks like the twister is headed right for the dayton arms hotel . they might not be dead . they could be in the basement . oh im an orphan . im a legal guardian . how can i be a parent . i break my teeth on ribbon candy . quiet , grampa . hello mom . hi , sweetie . were just calling to check in . where are you . are you okay . right here in dayton . at the dayton arms hotel . its really boring . you kids would have hated it . so , hows the weather in dayton . oh , you know , typical boring dayton weather . hey , do i hear a back rub . no , thats the noise the phone makes when youve been on too long . bye now . love you . somethings fishy . theyre not in dayton , theyre somewhere fun . were not enough fun for them . well , i know how to find out where they are . swelldorado hotel miami beach , sun and water without your son and daughter . how may i direct your call . i cant go to miami . im expecting calls from telemarketers . youll love it . its full of sexy old widows who dont want to die alone . all right , ladies , get ready to settle . boy , its great being here without those children of yours . yeah , ive never sat by a pool this long without having to apologize to someone . and tonight , well finally , and romantically , hump . heres to life without children . well , we cant wait to have kids . cant wait . no , seriously , with the new breast pumps and diaper genies and corporate flex time, , child rearing ought to be a snap . you keep thinking that . were here . and its a good thing , too . the cars been driving funny since orlando . everything happens to eemore . lets go find mom and dad . first lets slap on some band aids, , so they feel really bad for ditching us . time to find a woman who needs some tlc  a tired liver spotted coot . check out the well aged beef . no scar . he must be on his first heart . i wouldnt kick him out of bed for dying . hey , handsome , pull up a donut and sit down . hey , ladies . i used to be in movies . you know those feet sticking out from under the house in the wizard of oz . youre looking at them . come on , everybody , have some sexual congress not the kind of congress that contained paul tsongas the kids tracked us down . our romantic holiday just became a stinkin family vacation . marge , i wont let that happen . we have to grab this chance for romance now , or well never be alone . not till lisas in college and weve lost contact with bart . youre right , but where do we go . ive got a card that can take us anywhere in the world . step on it . those horn dogs they ditched us again . you know what this means . we have a free hotel room in miami for two days . no , were going to follow them across this great land , making sure they dont have one moment of fun . and i have a card that can take us anywhere they go . im sorry . were not supposed to give out passengers itineraries . i understand . hey , whats that crazy girl doing . im going into the gold medallion club , with silver level membership . the hell you are . so , mom and dad are going to atlantic city but their luggage isnt . and homers getting the low fat meal . youre more boring than my husband , and hes dead . well , i bet i smell better . at the moment , its about even . i cant wait till we bury the last of you hepburn types . really . perhaps i can help . i have a penthouse from which you can see all the way to epcot . if you take a woman there , she will be yours . hot ziggety . indeed . i am raoul . while we walk , may i place my hand on your shoulder as a sign of friendship . why not . homie , people in the other elevators can see us . like people in new jersey have never seen a fat man making out . its on the freakin state flag . oh , my god , homie look . that boy failed show and tell , but hes on our ass like sherlock holmes . hey , how you doing . im fighting a white rhino today at the tropicana . shows at check it out . come on . hey , kids , im tying balloons on the boardwalk at check it out , come on , dont be ridiculous . occupied . okay , raoul , lets go meet some senoritas . grampa , i must confess . i am not as interested in women as my open shirt might suggest . to be frank , they disgust me . yes . now , let us enjoy one of your rambling , disjointed yet somehow erotic tales . are you going to go lavender on me . we shall see , eh . but i promise you i will treasure every word that drops from your beautiful lips . really . youre sweet . proceed . for many years , i was a tater farmer , but the shameful truth is , the taters farmed me . your neck skin dances when you speak . at last , were alone . homie , the waiters still here . oh , right . thank you , sir . and now , my darling , its finally time for romance . but before the intercourse , the dinner course . busted . you guys lied to us . you probably do this all the time . this whole family is built on a tissue of lies and romance . yeah , its a tissue , covered in blood and boogers . would you two just shut up . sure , we lied . we lied so we could spend a single night as a married couple without worrying about you kids . those days are over . give it up . you win , kids . just sleep here tonight and well all go back to springfield tomorrow . great . what do you want to play . how about the floor is made of lava . all i wanted was a second honeymoon , and now the floor is made of lava . lise , you awake . yeah , i cant sleep . maybe we should give mom and dad a break . you know , go spend the day in an amusement park so were out of their hair . yeah , i agree . i mean , you are pretty annoying . i guess the hunt was more fun than the catch . hey , i just zinged you . i know . my new thing is to ignore you . when you grow up , ill be outside . im grown up . im grown up . i knew if we got up early enough , we could sneak away from bart and lisa . kids dont beat me , i beat kids . and nobody does it better . you monsters . you followed us . no , you dont understand . we came here to give you some privacy and we understand perfectly well . let me finish my sentence . never . this way . quick , we can hide in here . i dont know . homie , why dont we just go home , wait till the kids fall asleep , and have sex in the car . because i was saving that for my birthday . now , come on . this must be what its like to be in space . youve been to space . and yet , ive never been to me . that sliding should stop soon . this rolling is just temporary . ah , thats better . so why do they call this place niagara falls , anyway . back off , canadians . we got them . you back off , hosers . theyre in canadian waters , eh . beat it , you puck slapping maple suckers . take a hike , you shatner stealing mexico touchers . oh , marge , i guess well just have to make love in heaven . i bet it always works up there . shut up and kiss me , you doomed hunk . ahoy , moon bounce . is anyone alive . more alive than any of you squares . youre on my hair . thats better . well , it looks like everything worked out just fine for everybody . hey , my credit card bill seems a little chunky this month . lets see whats going on vis  the visa . springfield . on fox , the home of promiscuous idiots . last week , on p . i . i . our billionaire bachelor gave five lovely ladies a rose of continuation and he hurled a rock of rejection at anyone displaying intelligence , character or ethnicity . tonight , we reveal a shocking secret . ladies , when you were selected , you were told that youd be dating a billionaire on his private island . well , im afraid we misled you . get ready , skanks . here comes the truth train . this isnt an island at all . its a peninsula . this was supposed to be about trust . i just want to get on that boat and go home . well , you dont need a boat cause you can walk . what did those women expect . when you sign a contract with fox , you know youre going to be betrayed and humiliated . quiet , the commercials on . if we dont watch these , its like were stealing tv . do you love that sooo weet smell of farmer billys bacon . do i ever . would you like to see how a pig goes from loving life to your fork and knife . would i . well , if you open up one of these here packages and find a golden ticket , you git a tour of farmer billys bacon factory . youll see the hoof grinder . the marrow sluice . and of course , the five story pig shredder , blessed by three popes . if you like bacon , youre gonna love it . and if you dont like bacon , well , then the hell with you . im going to find that golden ticket and win that tour . the only thing that can make bacon more delicious is seeing how its made . okay , farmer billys slow killed bacon , farmer billys bacon fed farmer billys travel bacon mr . simpson , if you really want to kill yourself , i also sell handguns . nope . just lookin for that golden ticket . nope . nothing . nope . nada . the golden ticket . at long last . please , mr . simpson , please . i fear your smooches are premature . this is , in fact , a silver ticket . this silver ticket entitles you to judge the pig competition at the springfield county fair . hmm . judge a pig competition . but im no super genius . or are i . these giant vegetables are amazing . how about a bite of the worlds biggest brussels sprout . this song is about a country i love . you may have heard of it . its called america . hey , i know that country . i could please ms . barbara streisand by spittin on the flag or stranglin a bald eagle on the cover of some mag but i love this country to me she has no sins if you dont buy my record then al qaeda wins . usa . usa . of all the days for you to get a zit . hmm . comely . succulent . ha . clearly had a snout job . ugh . too s . lets see how your sisters doing in the place setting competition . place setting . how is someone so lame related to a hot tamale like me . check it out . dribble glass , rubber knife , whoopee salad and finally , the breakaway wine bottle did not arrive . my theme is if music be the food of love . the setting features tuning forks , champagne flutes and of course , chopsticks . and for dessert , ella fitz jell o . lordy , girl , your entry stinks like the south end of a north bound mule . whats wrong with it . your place setting thinks its better than it is , like a yard dog that sneaks into the house . did i do anything right . well , you did put it on a table . looky here , it wobbles . wobble , . this tables about as solid as your underlying concept . no one does that to my daughter . one more felony assault , simpson , and youre goin down . ha . i didnt know i could fit in a bubble . i must be losin weight . but i gotta do something . ill need a disguise . there , little darlin . dry those tears with this . hold it right there . youve hurt your last feeling . we all know pi r . but today , pie are justice . and i welcome it . thank you mysterious stranger . where did he go . where were you , homie . you missed all the excitement . shall we ever see springfields costumed protector again . oh , i have a funny feeling we will . wherever people are mistreated , the pie man will strike . what you doing , sweetie . im drawing a picture of my newest hero , the pie man . gee , i thought i had a bigger package than that . thats really sweet , honey . lets turn that frown upside down . oh , dad , i feel like im going to throw up . whats wrong , son . comic book guy made me pay for these comics he said i smudged . but i didnt even touch them . richie rich incorporates in delaware , easy to believe tales , supergirl vs . the glass ceiling , the green listener . he was just trying to unload these crappy comics on a helpless kid . somebody ought to take him down a peg . or , should i say , down a pie . no , i think the expression is peg . maybe youre right , lisa . maybe youre pie . pie be youre pie . this magazine you sold me isnt fantastic four . its fantastic floor . my family cant put in floors we rent . sorry , no refunds . oh , brother . why do we get all the weirdos here at the comic book store . comic book guy . dont do the crime if you cant do the key lime . how could this be any more humiliating . hello , im nichelle nichols of star trek . oh , youve finally accepted my invitation for tea and chit chat . listen , i said it to shatner and im saying it to you there is no way im going to be dating a man with pie on his face . theres a note . evildoers beware signed simple simon your friendly neighbohood pie man finally , a superhero that kids can love . what about fistface . fistface . whos fistface . why wont you tell me who fistface is . i demand you reveal the identity of fistface . its you . you can tell by the way the pie tin sits on his face that hes very good looking . oh , i think youd find his filling extremely hot . oh , i bet hes ned flanders . flanders .  . hes not man enough to trim my crust . i mean pie mans crust . im not pie man . pie  popular pastry , tricky math thing , and now sword of righteousness . a masked avenger has been giving springfields scoundrels their just desserts . this is for your shows slight decline in quality over the years . in an attempt to curb copycat pieings , the police have organized a pie for exchange . the pies were immediately detonated by the bomb squad . oh , those poor innocent pies . some days you just dont want to be a cop , you know . im going to go turn the siren on that always cheers me up . thats good footage . where will the pie man strike next . perhaps at the springfield childrens hospital , which is tossing out all its sick youngsters to make way for a new cosmetic surgery clinic . who will treat my whooping cough . search me . come back when you want a giant rack . okay , lou , the minute pie man shows up , we spring our trap . what do you got against this pie guy anyway . hes giving jerks their comeuppance . yeah , but hes skipping the hardest part of being a cop bike safety lectures . oh , come on , chief . no . no one ever wants to hear about the importance of pants clips , do they . yeah , but thats why pie man is going down . thanks to this clinic , we will no longer be terrorized by the spectacle of women aging naturally . not so fast , old time liberal . get him . pie man , no . its a trap . no trap can hold homer simpson . uh , but im not homer simpson . im the pie man . homer simpson away . i mean , the pie man . shoot to kill . oh , damn it . oh , way to go , lou you hit him . what , you sound like youre surprised . im trying to give you positive reinforcement , jerk . thats positive , calling me a jerk . you are a jerk . im not being trampled . what gives . uh , listen im married . im looking up your nose , but i feel like im staring into your soul . that was so exciting , yet familiar . like coke with lemon . lets see cartilage , muscle , nerve . artery bullet . dad . pie man is not your father , little girl . i murdered your father . dad , please . its obvious youre pie man . weve been getting his mail for weeks . we shall continue this conversation in the pie cave . watch it , one more step . welcome to my secret lair . dad , this is the basement . heres the iced tea i left down here this afternoon . so it would seem . anyhoo , ill bet this is all a pretty big surprise , huh . mild mannered homer simpson youre not mild mannered . youre often liquored up and rude . honorable men can differ . now what brings you down here . i want you to stop this , dad , before you get killed . all right , ill stop . but whatll i do with these pies . well , i know one thing you could do i was in so deep , i forgot pies were food . simpson , youre late , bald and stupid . im docking you a days pay . what . ill show him . no , i shouldntor should i . ill keep my promise , honey . no looking at pictures of loved ones . lousy burnsbald headed no angry grumbling under your breath . eat faster , . swallow on your own time . wont someone help us . who will stand up for carl and lenny . hey , homer , throw me at mr . burns . no , throw me . im old and stale i might just kill him . dont do it , homer . you made a promise to lisa . since when do i listen to cakes . tell you what , homer you make one last hit , then youre out of the business forever . lisa would understand . youre all so wise . i wish i could eat each and every one of you . aw , we wish you could eat us , too . attention while youve been showering here , i sold all your clothes . again . ive run out of pie related puns . he wont escape , sir . behold , smithers , your so called messiah . sir , i never to the employee prison . now , lets see what we have here simpsons . youll rue the day you took that pie tin , poked holes for eyes , and attached a rubber band around the back . its not a rubber band its a scrunchie . silence . or ill chop you into suet for my murderous gerbils and hamsters . wait , i have a better idea . youll work for me now . i already work for you . in addition to working in your normal capacity at the plant , you will also serve as my personal hit man . do i get two paychecks . here is your first assignment . to prove your loyalty . but i promised my daughter do as i say , or ill tell the police . youll do so much community service . no , not community service . i cant stand helping others . i just cant . now open the folder . it contains your next victim . no , not him . anyone but him . ive had my problems with him , everyone has , but like every monster , he just wants to be loved . come on . its cobblering time . i cant sleep . i keep thinking about the pie man . oh , me , too . what if he started pieing good people . not because he wanted to , but because he was being blackmailed by his boss . homie , are you the pie man . no , im not , and heres a picture that proves it . see . well , whoever he is , the pie man would never cave in to blackmail . now , on a different subject , kiss me hard . you know , im not pie man . i dont care . girl scout cookies . oh , come on . shes a little girl . grow a spine on your own time , blimpo . just one second , sweetheart . now pie that brownie , fruitcake . sorry . sir , my baby wants to play patty cake, , now . your assignment . the dalai lama .  . thats right . all his talk of peace and love is really honking off my red chinese masters . now , smithers , walk me around the park until i fall asleep . im feeling fussy . as springfields youngest buddhist , i am deeply honored to introduce the dalai lama . oh , i cant do this in front of lisa . why does she have to believe in things . you have no choice . pie him , or ill reveal your secret to the world . and now , please welcome the elvis of enlightenment , the lean , serene , chanting machine , the dalai lama . greetings , fellow travelers on the path to enlightenment . please forgive me , talking llama . no , pie man . dont do it . cmon , pie man , hit him . thats the only reason anyone came to this stupid thing . no . i wont . theres only one way i can escape from this nightmare . homer simpson . it was him all along . homer simpson is the pie man . impossible . hes never thrown away a pastry in his life . his brain isnt large enough to juggle two contrasting personae . yeah , and homers a dumbass . no offense , homer . ya dumbass . im telling you , im the pie man . no youre not . the pie man could fly . and spit acid . and animals did his bidding . well , that closes the book on pie man . wait a minute . what . if it wasnt simpson , who was it . its gonna be you , if you dont shut up . dad , i think you created a hero that even you couldnt live up to . lets go home , honey . on to my next engagement buffalo , new york . i know one person who believes you were the pie man , homie . me . ive known it all along . was it the kiss . no , it was clearly you in that suit . youd have to be an idiot not to see it from the start . so , pie man why dont you show me your superpowers . pie man . wherever injustice shows its ugly face , i will be there . for i am the pie man . and wherever pie man is , the cupcake kid will not be far behind . while you two are up on the roof , why dont you take the leaves out of the gutter . springfieldspringfield . co . ukviewepisodescripts . php . tv showthe . springfield . on fox , the home of promiscuous idiots . last week , on p . i . i . our billionaire bachelor gave five lovely ladies a rose of continuation and he hurled a rock of rejection at anyone displaying intelligence , character or ethnicity . tonight , we reveal a shocking secret . ladies , when you were selected , you were told that youd be dating a billionaire on his private island . well , im afraid we misled you . get ready , skanks . here comes the truth train . this isnt an island at all . its a peninsula . this was supposed to be about trust . i just want to get on that boat and go home . well , you dont need a boat cause you can walk . what did those women expect . when you sign a contract with fox , you know youre going to be betrayed and humiliated . quiet , the commercials on . if we dont watch these , its like were stealing tv . do you love that sooo weet smell of farmer billys bacon . do i ever . would you like to see how a pig goes from loving life to your fork and knife . would i . well , if you open up one of these here packages and find a golden ticket , you git a tour of farmer billys bacon factory . youll see the hoof grinder . the marrow sluice . and of course , the five story pig shredder , blessed by three popes . if you like bacon , youre gonna love it . and if you dont like bacon , well , then the hell with you . im going to find that golden ticket and win that tour . the only thing that can make bacon more delicious is seeing how its made . okay , farmer billys slow killed bacon , farmer billys bacon fed farmer billys travel bacon mr . simpson , if you really want to kill yourself , i also sell handguns . nope . just lookin for that golden ticket . nope . nothing . nope . nada . the golden ticket . at long last . please , mr . simpson , please . i fear your smooches are premature . this is , in fact , a silver ticket . this silver ticket entitles you to judge the pig competition at the springfield county fair . hmm . judge a pig competition . but im no super genius . or are i . these giant vegetables are amazing . how about a bite of the worlds biggest brussels sprout . this song is about a country i love . you may have heard of it . its called america . hey , i know that country . i could please ms . barbara streisand by spittin on the flag or stranglin a bald eagle on the cover of some mag but i love this country to me she has no sins if you dont buy my record then al qaeda wins . usa . usa . of all the days for you to get a zit . hmm . comely . succulent . ha . clearly had a snout job . ugh . too s . lets see how your sisters doing in the place setting competition . place setting . how is someone so lame related to a hot tamale like me . check it out . dribble glass , rubber knife , whoopee salad and finally , the breakaway wine bottle did not arrive . my theme is if music be the food of love . the setting features tuning forks , champagne flutes and of course , chopsticks . and for dessert , ella fitz jell o . lordy , girl , your entry stinks like the south end of a north bound mule . whats wrong with it . your place setting thinks its better than it is , like a yard dog that sneaks into the house . did i do anything right . well , you did put it on a table . looky here , it wobbles . wobble , . this tables about as solid as your underlying concept . no one does that to my daughter . one more felony assault , simpson , and youre goin down . ha . i didnt know i could fit in a bubble . i must be losin weight . but i gotta do something . ill need a disguise . there , little darlin . dry those tears with this . hold it right there . youve hurt your last feeling . we all know pi r . but today , pie are justice . and i welcome it . thank you mysterious stranger . where did he go . where were you , homie . you missed all the excitement . shall we ever see springfields costumed protector again . oh , i have a funny feeling we will . wherever people are mistreated , the pie man will strike . what you doing , sweetie . im drawing a picture of my newest hero , the pie man . gee , i thought i had a bigger package than that . thats really sweet , honey . lets turn that frown upside down . oh , dad , i feel like im going to throw up . whats wrong , son . comic book guy made me pay for these comics he said i smudged . but i didnt even touch them . richie rich incorporates in delaware , easy to believe tales , supergirl vs . the glass ceiling , the green listener . he was just trying to unload these crappy comics on a helpless kid . somebody ought to take him down a peg . or , should i say , down a pie . no , i think the expression is peg . maybe youre right , lisa . maybe youre pie . pie be youre pie . this magazine you sold me isnt fantastic four . its fantastic floor . my family cant put in floors we rent . sorry , no refunds . oh , brother . why do we get all the weirdos here at the comic book store . comic book guy . dont do the crime if you cant do the key lime . how could this be any more humiliating . hello , im nichelle nichols of star trek . oh , youve finally accepted my invitation for tea and chit chat . listen , i said it to shatner and im saying it to you there is no way im going to be dating a man with pie on his face . theres a note . evildoers beware signed simple simon your friendly neighbohood pie man finally , a superhero that kids can love . what about fistface . fistface . whos fistface . why wont you tell me who fistface is . i demand you reveal the identity of fistface . its you . you can tell by the way the pie tin sits on his face that hes very good looking . oh , i think youd find his filling extremely hot . oh , i bet hes ned flanders . flanders .  . hes not man enough to trim my crust . i mean pie mans crust . im not pie man . pie  popular pastry , tricky math thing , and now sword of righteousness . a masked avenger has been giving springfields scoundrels their just desserts . this is for your shows slight decline in quality over the years . in an attempt to curb copycat pieings , the police have organized a pie for exchange . the pies were immediately detonated by the bomb squad . oh , those poor innocent pies . some days you just dont want to be a cop , you know . im going to go turn the siren on that always cheers me up . thats good footage . where will the pie man strike next . perhaps at the springfield childrens hospital , which is tossing out all its sick youngsters to make way for a new cosmetic surgery clinic . who will treat my whooping cough . search me . come back when you want a giant rack . okay , lou , the minute pie man shows up , we spring our trap . what do you got against this pie guy anyway . hes giving jerks their comeuppance . yeah , but hes skipping the hardest part of being a cop bike safety lectures . oh , come on , chief . no . no one ever wants to hear about the importance of pants clips , do they . yeah , but thats why pie man is going down . thanks to this clinic , we will no longer be terrorized by the spectacle of women aging naturally . not so fast , old time liberal . get him . pie man , no . its a trap . no trap can hold homer simpson . uh , but im not homer simpson . im the pie man . homer simpson away . i mean , the pie man . shoot to kill . oh , damn it . oh , way to go , lou you hit him . what , you sound like youre surprised . im trying to give you positive reinforcement , jerk . thats positive , calling me a jerk . you are a jerk . im not being trampled . what gives . uh , listen im married . im looking up your nose , but i feel like im staring into your soul . that was so exciting , yet familiar . like coke with lemon . lets see cartilage , muscle , nerve . artery bullet . dad . pie man is not your father , little girl . i murdered your father . dad , please . its obvious youre pie man . weve been getting his mail for weeks . we shall continue this conversation in the pie cave . watch it , one more step . welcome to my secret lair . dad , this is the basement . heres the iced tea i left down here this afternoon . so it would seem . anyhoo , ill bet this is all a pretty big surprise , huh . mild mannered homer simpson youre not mild mannered . youre often liquored up and rude . honorable men can differ . now what brings you down here . i want you to stop this , dad , before you get killed . all right , ill stop . but whatll i do with these pies . well , i know one thing you could do i was in so deep , i forgot pies were food . simpson , youre late , bald and stupid . im docking you a days pay . what . ill show him . no , i shouldntor should i . ill keep my promise , honey . no looking at pictures of loved ones . lousy burnsbald headed no angry grumbling under your breath . eat faster , . swallow on your own time . wont someone help us . who will stand up for carl and lenny . hey , homer , throw me at mr . burns . no , throw me . im old and stale i might just kill him . dont do it , homer . you made a promise to lisa . since when do i listen to cakes . tell you what , homer you make one last hit , then youre out of the business forever . lisa would understand . youre all so wise . i wish i could eat each and every one of you . aw , we wish you could eat us , too . attention while youve been showering here , i sold all your clothes . again . ive run out of pie related puns . he wont escape , sir . behold , smithers , your so called messiah . sir , i never to the employee prison . now , lets see what we have here simpsons . youll rue the day you took that pie tin , poked holes for eyes , and attached a rubber band around the back . its not a rubber band its a scrunchie . silence . or ill chop you into suet for my murderous gerbils and hamsters . wait , i have a better idea . youll work for me now . i already work for you . in addition to working in your normal capacity at the plant , you will also serve as my personal hit man . do i get two paychecks . here is your first assignment . to prove your loyalty . but i promised my daughter do as i say , or ill tell the police . youll do so much community service . no , not community service . i cant stand helping others . i just cant . now open the folder . it contains your next victim . no , not him . anyone but him . ive had my problems with him , everyone has , but like every monster , he just wants to be loved . come on . its cobblering time . i cant sleep . i keep thinking about the pie man . oh , me , too . what if he started pieing good people . not because he wanted to , but because he was being blackmailed by his boss . homie , are you the pie man . no , im not , and heres a picture that proves it . see . well , whoever he is , the pie man would never cave in to blackmail . now , on a different subject , kiss me hard . you know , im not pie man . i dont care . girl scout cookies . oh , come on . shes a little girl . grow a spine on your own time , blimpo . just one second , sweetheart . now pie that brownie , fruitcake . sorry . sir , my baby wants to play patty cake, , now . your assignment . the dalai lama .  . thats right . all his talk of peace and love is really honking off my red chinese masters . now , smithers , walk me around the park until i fall asleep . im feeling fussy . as springfields youngest buddhist , i am deeply honored to introduce the dalai lama . oh , i cant do this in front of lisa . why does she have to believe in things . you have no choice . pie him , or ill reveal your secret to the world . and now , please welcome the elvis of enlightenment , the lean , serene , chanting machine , the dalai lama . greetings , fellow travelers on the path to enlightenment . please forgive me , talking llama . no , pie man . dont do it . cmon , pie man , hit him . thats the only reason anyone came to this stupid thing . no . i wont . theres only one way i can escape from this nightmare . homer simpson . it was him all along . homer simpson is the pie man . impossible . hes never thrown away a pastry in his life . his brain isnt large enough to juggle two contrasting personae . yeah , and homers a dumbass . no offense , homer . ya dumbass . im telling you , im the pie man . no youre not . the pie man could fly . and spit acid . and animals did his bidding . well , that closes the book on pie man . wait a minute . what . if it wasnt simpson , who was it . its gonna be you , if you dont shut up . dad , i think you created a hero that even you couldnt live up to . lets go home , honey . on to my next engagement buffalo , new york . i know one person who believes you were the pie man , homie . me . ive known it all along . was it the kiss . no , it was clearly you in that suit . youd have to be an idiot not to see it from the start . so , pie man why dont you show me your superpowers . pie man . wherever injustice shows its ugly face , i will be there . for i am the pie man . and wherever pie man is , the cupcake kid will not be far behind . while you two are up on the roof , why dont you take the leaves out of the gutter . springfield . i dont understand this game , bart . how come we have to rake your lawn while you just get to sit there . because im it . now whoever finishes first gets lemonade . both yay . for me . later when we wash his bike , im not gonna do a good job . im telling mr . bart . shh . hey , guys . uh oh . girls . you guys need your cootie shots . well , i hate this job , but i love the health plan . okay , ladies . dont you have a poodle to dress up . fine , well go . well find some other way to entertain our boy crazy cousin who thinks youre cute . oh , i wouldnt mind pushing that in the mud . homer drunk . but how . hmm . round and round the bottle twirls , i hope it stops on one of the girls . i hope you like the taste of ringworm medicine . ew . ugh . ew . i kissed that sad weird kid . my beer . you never had a chance to become my urine . why you little my first kiss . stop it , homer . theres only one way to settle this . in simpson family court . what the hells that . i got the idea from a now discredited book on raising children . now up , the case of simpson v . simpson . mr . simpson , do you think its appropriate for a boy to steal a beer with intent to kiss . do you think it was appropriate to bet against your sons little league team . what . permission to treat this witness as hostile . homer , ill bet when you were kissing girls , and tipping dinosaurs . your fathers first kiss was in high school , with me . actually , marge , there was someone before you . it was years ago when i was or maybe it was the early s . underprivileged . you pretended we were poor just to get me into camp . uh , yeah , pretended . hey , you must be homer . im lenny and this is carl . wow , a negro . we prefer the term black . so cool . heya , fellas . im moe . im your junior counselor . moes not really a counselor . his parents dropped him off here , like , two years ago and they never came back for him . i sleep under upside down canoes . doh . in the summertime when the weather is high thats the girls camp right over there . hi . oh . i cant wait to meet the girls . all wha thats right . youre working in the kitchen . thats how our camp pays the bills . what bills . we got no water , no heat . we catch our own breakfast . twelve kids died at our camp . we need the money to pay lawyers . i thought we were gonna play fun games at camp . oh , heres one . its called stay out of my way . idiot . young marge oh , no . my retainer . i got it . oh la . a girl with teeth . me like . young marge oh , thank you . you sound so sweet . thats cause ive eaten pieces of pie . you know , doing dishes has been the best part of camp . young marge really . why . because i talked to you . young marge aw . i couldnt see her through the flaps , but shes my kind of girl . tell us more about the flaps . to me , they were the rubbery gates of heaven because behind them was the girl of my dreams . oh , man . someday lovell come sliding down my chute . well , i can ask if she has any friends because she wants to meet me tonight . way to go . out of sight . now , homer , if youre gonna go , you better take some protection . oh , a switchblade . i see the switch , but wheres the blade . doh . found it . an eye patch . but ive got a date tonight . oh , dont worry . chicks love that kind of thing . patches , scars , stumps . everything but zits . all right , how should i get there . hmm . i guess its row versus wade . and its my right to choose . are you looking to cross the lake which separates ye from she . who are you . the sailing instructor . and on movie night , i run the projector . only pg . nothing r . yarrr . homer i couldnt believe my eye . she was the prettiest girl id ever seen . until i met your mother , who made that girl look like a godzilla made of garbage . homer , that girl was me . how romantic . you and dad were drawn to each other as kids and you didnt even realize it . yes . and then your father broke my heart . and if id known it was you , i never would have married you . oh , this is so confusing . id like a brief recess . granted . whee . recess . whee . let me get this straight . when you were my age , you had the hots for mom and didnt even know it . oh , thats cool or is it lame . i guess ill go with lame . you were lame . why . because i only kissed one girl in my whole life . thats still one more than you . ive kissed three girls . im so lame . youre not gonna be kissing anybody for a while . well , that stinks . but i still get to kiss you , right . mom , why are you so mad . ill start from the beginning . the girls camp was focused on teaching etiquette and deportment . now that ive captured your interest , let me continue . by summers end , i promise you will all walk like ladies , talk like ladies , and hold your liquor like ladies . now chin up , head back , legs together . excellent . girls , see how marges legs are slanted . you make jackie o look like a splay legged milk horse . now stand and walk . well done . id be proud if you grew up to be my husbands mistress . thank you . i used to walk like this all the time until my tendons snapped . they heard it in shelbyville . anyhoo , one night we had a special dinner . we were learning to use all forks . young lady , that is not an olive fork . heres a simple trick to help you remember . ow . hmm . mmm hmm . knife and fork together , denied yourself dessert . nice work , marge . really . oh , no . my retainer . young homer i got it . oh . id thank you , but i dont even know your name . i bet its something low rent like billy bob . or homer . big ugly homer . oh , im sure its a much nicer name than homer . er think , homer . think . young marge what did you say . im elvis . elvis jagger . elvis jagger abdul jabbar . i told my friends i had a date . what should i wear . should i paint my toes . and what should i do with my hair . you could iron it . iron my hair . thats what leslie uggams does . bart leslie who . marge uggams . oh , its really straightening out . hmm . i guess im going to have to be a brunette tonight . oh , dear me . one day as a straight haired brunette . i feel so bad for you . stupid girl . please dont be a freak . please dont be a freak . sea captain i met her on the mountain there i took her life met her on the mountain stabbed her with my knife hi . oh . hes cute . and hes got an eye patch . ive never seen a boy so mysterious . you must be elvis . elvis . what the hell kind of name is oh , yeah . right . weve heard the same story two times now . whose side are we gonna hear next . the sea captains . no , . id best be on me way . ill just take some teddy grahams for the road . there goes a good friend . now im gonna warn you kids , the next part of the story gets a little wb . oh , man . i want to kiss her . wait . i just thought of the greatest move ever . oh , no . he yawned . im boring him . do you like music . i do . i like bobby goldsboro , gilbert osullivan , terry jacks , parliament , but not funkadelic . how am i supposed to kiss those things . interrupt her with something witty . er um yes . kiss her already . what are you , chicken . is he making chicken noises . imagine me and you , i do i think about you day and night its only right to think about the girl you love and hold her tight so happy together if i should call you up , invest a dime and you say you belong to me and ease my mind imagine how the world could be so very fine so happy together ahhh . i cant see me lovin nobody but you for all my life when youre with me , baby the skiesll be blue for all my life me and you and you and me no matter how they toss the dice it had to be the only one for me is you , and you for me so happy together way to go , dad . the perfect kiss . it was pretty delicious . it was as satisfying as a million hallmark cards with all the right sized envelopes . it felt like a cluster bomb wiping out a graveyard full of zombies . but then your father showed his true colors . uh oh . will i see you again tomorrow . absolutely . or my name isnt whatever i told you it was . marge so we arranged to meet again at second date rock . i guess hes not coming . it was years before i could trust a boy again . thats horrible . how could you , dad . because hes the kind who kisses and leaves you . i cant believe you stood mom up . face it , lise . men are dogs . the worse we treat you , the more you want us . thats not what dogs do . you said dog doo . she sure did . now if lisas finished with her shenanigans , ill tell you why i didnt show up . we had just finished our first smooch . and i felt a feeling i had never felt before . i found this stone earlier . i was gonna use it as a nerd smasher . but i want you to have it . oh , it looks like a heart . hey , youre right . give it back . oh , no , i still want you to have it . but every time you smash a nerd with it , think of me . i will . see you tomorrow night , okay . what a kiss . if i died now , id die happy . oh , what a view . good ol patch . you saved my life . ahhh . so you thought you could make a break for it , did you . well , no one ever escapes from fat camp . because the only way out is up a gentle slope . what the fat camp . i dont belong here . heh . your boy bosoms tell a different tale . okay . take a break , ladies . no eating the grass . hey , he didnt say nothing about this poison oak . sweet , poison . uh oh . ohhh ive gotta go . ive got a date . yeah , youve got a date with a skinless chicken breast . somewhere out there , shes waiting for me . hello . id like to speak to elvis jagger abdul jabbar . hey , dont you try and prank me with a fake name . i will out your intestines and use them to make a lanyard . hello . hello . and thats the origin of that . that boy i kissed wouldnt even tell me his real name . typical . all boys want the same thing , to kiss until theyre hot and heavy , then vamoose . trust us . we know everything about boys except what they look like below the waist . i have some theories based on a g . l . joe i bought . well , i l never want to date a boy again . are you leaving camp because of that boy . because thats what ive been telling everybody . youre also pregnant . i just cant stay here . everything reminds me of him . oh . oh , the pain . man was not meant to sit up . oh . weve got an emergency here . we need ccs pronto . and by ccs , i mean cupcakes . man i know what you mean , bill . ive worked here longer than you . nows my chance . love conquers all . snake . bye bye . thank god theyre gone . i cant believe i went five minutes without one of these dream sticks . hey , have you two longshoremen seen a pretty girl . if you are who i think you are , that girl is gone . and she never wants to see you again . she wouldnt do that . we shared something special . what . just cause she smooched you . was that special . no . i just blew my first chance at true love . and now that my special girl has heard the truth , i know shell forgive me . earth to special girl , youll forgive me , right . i guess so . uh , i think well go to bed now . what are you doing . if they fight in front of us , we might get new bikes . homer , when you nurse a hurt for years , it doesnt go away in an instant . what about now . what about now . no , homer . what about now . no , homer . what about now . no , homer . marge , im really sorry i hurt you . but ive done way worse stuff since then . there was the gun i hid from you . the time i sued the church . ruining lisas wedding in the future . remember that . homie , i know this shouldnt bother me , but a girl only has one first love . i guess it didnt mean that much to you . thats not true . i thought about that girl every day of my life until i met you . i wish there was some way i could believe that . all right . this is my memory box . i havent opened it in years . oh . a letter from my old pen pal . someday ill write you back , osama . ah . heres what im looking for . oh , homie . you did care . i sure did . i kept it right next to my lbm stocking . i kept my heart , too . because somehow you realized i was a good guy after all . no . as a reminder of the hurtful things men can do . but now it can have a second meaning . marge oh , elvis . homer oh , anonymous girl who turned out to be marge . springfield . great . whos ready for a kitten . i am . make mine calico . here you go . this whole morning has been wonderful . too wonderful . youre right this is it . theyre selling us to be crash test dummies . oh , please let it be volvo . oh , you children are too suspicious . its go time . its shot day . welcome to hell man avenue medical plaza . children , you should be grateful you live in a country where childhood diseases have been practically karate . that hobo skeleton is not a toy . this is ridiculous . only babies and ex junkies are afraid of needles . stick me , chuckles . can i have a lollipop . well , that just leaves bart . dont forget maggie . i got her when your heads were turned . got her good . now , bart , just look out the window . itll take your mind off the pain . and when youre done , ive got more lollies . no , thanks . i already helped myself . see you later , inoculator . he can run , but nobody escapes the needle . darlene , cancel all my appointments . but i need that kidney now . black on violence must end . that was for dr . king . dont feel bad , doc . i wont even let my mom clip my toenails . i guess youre just too smart for me , bart . what . thanks , barney . moe , we wont need you now . okay , well , i really enjoyed being you , dr . hibbert . oh , by the way , youre not welcome in the library no more . im sorry . now , that wasnt so bad , was it , bart . you know , sometimes the fear of whoa , somethings wrong . ah , i cant hear . doctor . perform a diagnosis . im afraid the inoculation has swollen his ear holes shut . maybe this would be a good time to talk about side effects . the boys hearing should clear up in a day . if it doesnt , call me in the bahamas . for now , he can express himself with this complimentary pen . cool . oh , its a good pen . try it out . that was a malpractice waiver , fool . stop it , homer . give your wallet , kid . were gonna identity theft your ass . hes just standing his ground . he knows that deep down , all bullies are cowards . were undone . i know what youre hiding , lad . willies been deaf since the boiler explosion of . but i taught myself to read lips . mornin , willie . whatd you say about me mother .  . for your information , her feet stink cause she works in manure all day . but its still the best darn starbucks in glasgow . bart , pass the ketchup . bart , pass the ketchup . dad , hes deaf . oh , sorry , right . bart , pass the corn . bart , pass the corn . i think you should stay home from school tomorrow . but mom , tomorrows the big donkey basketball game . the kids are gonna play the teachers . donkey basketball . now ive heard everything . unlike you . everybody , remember that for when his hearing comes back . switch . welcome , everyone , to the annual donkey basketball classic . im sure that mule enjoy it . man , tough crowd . would everyone just rise for our national anthem . hey , donkey , want a carrot . psyche . good lord . barts mooning the flag . dont look , buttermilk . how dare he .  . thats the flag my grandpappy rebelled against . when you insult the flag , you insult my flag tattoo . whatd ye say about me mother . youll fry up nice tonight . your childs behavior appalls me , not just as a principal , but as a veteran of americas only losing war . to date . i swear , bart didnt know what he was doing . he was deaf . oh , sure , marge  just like blind bart , wheelchair bart , pregnant bart , and my personal favorite , railroad spike through head bart . kids love trains . hey , fellas , my hearings back . congratulations traitor . thank you  and let me say , i missed your sweet , voices . cram it , iraqi . whyd you dis the flag . it partied on the moon . werent we afraid of him just a few days ago . were complex . all right , who can take a story and blow it way out of proportion . im your man , boss . i want you to overhype this story so much , it makes the new york post look like the new york times . or the new york times look like the new york post . i forget which one the good one is . i did not come to this country illegally to see it mocked . theres the boy who bared his bottom to old glory . and the family that applauds his every moonery . they hate our country , but they love our soapy water . hey , benedict arnold , our cups dont want your colorful balls . no one calls me unpatriotic . hey , guys . oh , cold shoulder , huh . well , ill just talk to myself . hey , how ya doing , homer . oh , not too bad . how about you . oh , im fine . your wife was great in bed last night . you keep your hands off my wife . oh , yeah . well , i give her what she needs . and she like homer . stop it . this bars only for real americans . and people on permanent visas , like me . what . what are you all looking at . im dutch . eh , forget all of you . im leaving , too  im gonna go listen to the presidents weekly radio address . and not the rebuttal . good bye, , homer . i cant get drunk and vomit next to a guy i dont respect . even my best friends have left me . im all alone . weve become pariahs . in the last two hours , ive gotten hate spams . yello . appear on your tv show . tell our side of the story . youll see us there .  . good bye .  . dial tone .  . if theres one way to get the truth out , its on a cable news channel . when we explain our side of the story , the hate calls will end . i wont have to hear , suck my such and such or hell this and bitch that we get it , mom . no , let her finish look , what should i say to make people not hate me . son , ive learned one thing in this life to stay out of trouble , just say nothing . dont rock the boat . dont even get in the boat . just buy some ice cream and walk around the pier . but dont go in the bathrooms , theyre filthy . dad , i am going on a talk show . i have to say something . talk about boats . then when he asks you if you hate this country , you just start crying and pretend you dont . but i dont hate this country . there , save your lies for the american public . im nash castor , and its time to butt heads . bart simpson , what do you hate most about this country . is it the freedom . nash , ive realized something . im the worst kid in the world , and the last thing i deserve is forgiveness . but with a little help from jesus and our fighting men and women overseas all right , so if i hear you correctly , youre saying america is better than jesus . do you agree . uh , before he can answer  do you . well , americas not perfect so , america isnt perfect . is that why you and your son hate us . if by us , you mean loudmouthed talk show hosts  which everyone seems to be in this country  then yes , i do hate americans . whatd she say . wow , marge , im surprised you havent been run out of town . ill have you know i am very well liked in springfield . there you have it  springfield hates america . now , coming up after this commercial , i will be talking even louder . dont miss it . all over the country tonight , patriotic americans are denouncing springfield and its official spokesmen , the simpsons . i declare today , december we hate springfield day . overseas the reaction tonight is decidedly different . simpsons be praised . praise be to springfield . but not everyone is ululating tonight . the president announced today he is pointing warheads at turn that off . this could destroy our town . look what happened to hitler city , north carolina . if they hadnt changed their name to charlotte , theyd be sunk . sir , conventions are pulling out of springfield left and right . the paprika festival , bandana days sir , we just lost the adult video awards . not the boneys . i am honored to announce that we are changing the name of our town to liberty ville .  .  .  . i cant afford to sell a westside home for that . but what a fantastical year for pizza by the slice . charge a money for the pizza buy myself a big a new car . im as patriotic as the next person , but changing the traffic lights to red , white and blue just seems dangerous . come on , kid , go . you got the red . okay , mr . teeny , before the cops come , swallow all these illegal pills , then run to the vet . homeland noodles with uncle sam balls . apu , arent you going a bit overboard with the patriotism . oh i dont think so . it is a heartfelt expression of my true desire to protect my mahogany noggin . poonam and uma are fighting . no , . those are their pre witch hunt names . their new names are freedom , lincoln , condoleeza , coke , pepsi , manifest destiny , apple pie and superman . and together , were the macgillicuddys . lord , give us the courage to worship the american flag , be it on a car , a belt buckle , or on your holy person . ay caramba . id like to say something about the current climate of repression and fear . oh , put a fork in it . sit down , saddam . congress shall make no law abridging the freedom of speech , or of the press . thats from the first amendment to the constitution . thank you . thank you , lisa . im sure your opinion will not go unnoticed . simpsons , youre under arrest for the violation of the government knows best act . martha . play something to lighten the mood . buy me some peanuts and cracker jacks i dont i cant believe they put us in jail . its not a jail . its a reeducation center . well , where do you think we are . well , lets see . after they blindfolded us , it was left , right , left , then a three hour plane ride . do you get time off for snitching on your cell mates . you were right , homie . we shouldnt have rocked the boat . then none of this would have ever happened . well , were not the only ones to be unjustly imprisoned . check out all the left wing celebrities . elmo go to wrong fund raiser . bill clinton . what are you doing here . i called the republican tax cuts unwise . and i stand by it . theyre unwise . i want my washington post . heres your washington post . you like that , clinton . you traitors pipe down . youre all here because you hate freedom . im here because i said imported wines are better than napa valley . yeah . well , why dont you take a nap a . my only crime was driving a truck full of explosives in from canada . i dont know why they put the real ones in with the joke ones . hello . im the u . s . constitution , and im over years old , but im feeling fine . i wish i could say the same for my crazy cousin , bill o rights . what did i do . what did i do . lisa , thats not funny . you believe in the bill of rights . i dont know whether its the lack of sleep , the sodium pentathol , or that its the only cartoon ive seen in two months , but this is what i believe in now . oh , homer , weve got to get out of here . yeah , . next commercial . i know a way out . who are you . im the last registered democrat . tax and spend . tax and spend . now , if you want to escape , you can do it during the prison talent show tomorrow night . i dont want to be in any stupid talent show . not without my tennessee walking horses . well , youve got no choice . its the only way youll achieve your goal . goal . sweet , goal . thank you . vote for me for best in show . you guys are on after al franken , so the guards will have used up most of their bullets . make your break at the end of your act . now , people have accused this family of not loving our country , but you cant spell u . s . a . without us eh . oh , beautiful for spacious skies for amber waves of grain okay , kids , show off your pipes americans are brave and loyal so come on , jerks , give us your oil my card here says aclu now look what im going to do to love our country is no chore wait right here for our encore . we mean it , dont move . theyve escaped . okay , kids , show off your pipes dad , why are you still singing that stupid song . because if they catch us , we may have to do it again . and this time , i want it tight . what genius put a prison on the middle of an island . does everyone remember their swimming lessons . yes . yes . no . great , dive in . hold your fire . that walrus will eat them . no , thats the dad . but hes eating a seal . swim toward san francisco . im not made of money . well swim to oakland . theres a ship . were saved . oh , whats the use . even if they pick us up , well go back to jail cause they think we hate america . i dont want to end up like elmo , hanging himself in prison . mes amis , we hate america , too . come to france and we shall mock the country that saved us twice from the germans . ive always wanted to go to france . your women dont age  like catherine deneuve . eh , you wait till you see her up close , then you tell me . maman , please pass ze baguette . the food is so delicious here . and these chanel suits are five for a dollar . im using a jacket as a napkin . and here , no one calls me a fat jerk . im a gourmand . and yet , i miss america . i miss america , too . the united states has its grandeur and its follies , but , mostly , its the place where all our stuff is . i wish we could go back , but i dont think were welcome there . no , marge , theres one group thats always welcome in america  immigrants without i . d . well , kids , this is the first chapter of our brand new lives in america . name . simpson . from now onyoure , the simps . mm , thatll save time . now , kids , itll take us a while to assimilate . ill start out as a cop , then , with time , become a dirty cop . i think im going to like this america . springfield . this is kent brockman , live at springfields most beloved tourist attraction , the man shaped mountain crag known as geezer rock . carved by centuries of wind and rain , geezer rock will soon be more than just a place for teens to have sex and commit suicide . why did they cancel futurama . you crushed my boyfriend . you better be good at making out . today , geezer rock will be officially designated a national landmark . whats the big deal about a rock that looks like a dude . ive got a dad that looks like a monkey . bart , you promised youd stop making that comparison . per our agreement . knock kneed home renters . cant we thin this herd with some smallpox infected blankets . were already immune , you jerk . gee , i never noticed that before . hes got a tree in his eye . if that tree gets too big , itll ruin the beauty of that rock . well lose tourists . and then , who will buy my roadside corn . you dont sell roadside corn . theres a lot you dont know about me , marge . a lot that would shock you . ride a painted pony let the spinnin wheel spin thank you , blood and tears . sorry to hear about sweat . now , before the undersecretary of the interior declares geezer rock a national landmark , we shall hear a poem written by honor student , lisa simpson . thank you . geezer rock , an appreciation in verse . now , to do something ive never done before . help out an old man . postcard image , thing to see gotta go , sweetie . but i didnt read my poem . heres a poem . run fast or lose your ass . mr . burns . mr . burns is gone . and tonight was the night i was gonna show him my tattoo . i cant believe that historic rock is gone . my poem has become an elegy . an elegy no one will ever hear . well , at least some good came out of today . bart , youre grounded for a year . ill just pay the fine . okay . three bucks . why dont you publish your poem . publish it myself . why not . i could put out a whole newspaper dedicated to the rock . id be a publisher , just like katharine graham . or that lady who wheels larry flynt around . mr . burns , perhaps its best you were snatched away before time could diminish your beauty . stop your wailing , waylon . im alive . mr . burns oops . that stays in . sir , youre alive . but how . because of my svelte physique , i was able to fit in a narrow air pocket . i survived on whatever sustenance came my way . thankfully , a mother mole nursed me as her own until i was strong enough to continue . now , lets see how the common folk are grieving for their fallen god , me . and so , a day after the tragedy , the town still mourns the loss of its venerable old man . here it comes . beloved by children . yes , the little ones . thought to be thousands of years old i have been for a while now . well miss you , geezer rock . quickly , smithers , re hydrate me . but one old man we certainly dont miss is the late c . montgomery burns . as owner of the springfield nuclear power plant , he generated both electricity and contempt . thank you , geezer rock , for doing what none of us had the courage to do , smush mr . burns . this town cared more for a soulless piece of granite than for me . i dont have a friend in the world . you have me , sir . dont be so needy . well , im going to change this towns accurate impression of me . sir , you could improve your image with various good deeds . dont i already give out turkey slices to the poor . you eliminated that program in the s , sir . they were getting too grabby . oh , all right . i know how to change the way the public thinks of me . ill buy every media outlet in town . bring me a checkbook and a mother mole . i really got hooked on this stuff . thanks for helping me deliver the first edition of the red dress press , dad . im always happy to help you , sweetie . extree . extree . man driving erratically throws papers out window . lisa elegy for geezer rock . postcard image , thing to see , to think of springfield is to think of thee . what thoughts be pass ahind thy mien . why sky art blue , why trees art green . and what , pray tell , did thine eyes see . perchance , old friend , they gazed at me . brought low by natures oafish hand , thou crush ed our reviewing stand and twixt thy stones glimpsed i the truth . all things must pass , thy face , my youth . oh , wow . i havent cried like this since the third mr . teeny died . you couldnt hold a candle to him . neither could you . youre okay , you got me broads . oh , this is one dilly of a daily , lisa . cant wait for tomorrows . tomorrows . i hadnt thought about publishing more . you better . ive already sold a bunch of subscriptions . how do you think i got these swell prizes . all right , nelson , what kind of journalism skills do you have . i dont know . making nerds cry . perfect . youre our tv critic . ralph , what about you . i want to be a fire truck . how about a feature columnist . yeah , im a feature columnist . good day . hello . great glayvins ghost . hes alive . yes , thats right . i pulled a jesus . have a nickel . burns is alive . then whose skull am i drinking beer out of . boy , i cant wait to dance on his grave . mmm hmm . oh , yeah . whose grave . uh , the unknown soldier . carry on . okay , its time to win the love of these hateful morons . step one , amass a vast media empire . the stations not for sale , burns . its been in the same family for generations . look , i assure you , no sack of money is big enough to change my mind . now , if theres more to life than being rich , you know . very tempting , but i assure you , im still not sold . want to split an ice cream sundae . done and done . bart check it out . principal skinrash . nice work , bart , but give him a runny nose . i want the readers to gag on their morning cup of joe . snot a problem , chief . dont call me chief . sure thing , jerk . chief is fine . youre on the morning zoo with bill and marty . whats your wednesday whine . mr . burns well , first of all , i agree with you two , its sheer humbuggery that pretty girls can flirt their way out of speeding tickets . no support for the naughty hotties . secondly , i want you to pack up and get out . i just bought this station , and youre fired . and play that delightful flush sound on your way out . yes , sir . indoor plumbing . the lack of it killed my mother . ive done it , smithers . ive bought every media outlet in town . tv , radio , even the skywriters . cletus , what does that say . that . that says , i loves you , brandine . oh , cletus . tonight , you can knock me up again . excellent . but put a little more apple in my cheek . its apple ing now , sir . splendid . now , lets see how im faring on the jumping box . you mean the television , sir . television , jumping box , picto cube, , just crank it up . in tonights face off, , i will be debating channel on the subject of our new boss , c . montgomery burns . my view , hes a great leader and a gallant american . hes got a heart as big as my boobs . i guess well have to agree to agree on this one . boobs . smithers , do you know bill from accounting . thats his daughter . hmm . let me show you why you and all protesters are wrong . all right . nuclear power helps heat that orphanage and keeps that hospital humming . but what about wind power . its cheap and safe . is it . remember , children , nuclear power is your friend , and so is monty burns . dont end up like me . vote republican . god bless america . this cartoon was made in korea . burns owns everything . ive got to speak out before its too late . doh . dear readers , you hold in your hands the last paper not controlled by the burns media empire . we are not afraid to say montgomery burns is a monopolistic , self aggrandizing stinky pants . hmm . maybe burns aint so great . this little girl has given us a lot to mull . hey , you mugs , thinking aint drinking . hey . ow . okay . bring that girl to me . im sorry , mr . burns , but my paper is not for sale . maybe a little gift will change your mind . send in sugarbell . shes very pretty . but the answer is still no . honeysuckle , dewdrop . oh , no . theyre so beautiful . and their breath smells like peppermint . no . no . i wont take your blood ponies . go on , sweeties . go on . shoo . very well . you had your chance . i am going to shred you like a christmas card . now get out . i cant . my moms not picking me up for an hour . so , what do you think of todays popular music scene . i think it distracts people from more important social issues . my god , are you always on . stupid women drivers . stupid women helicopter pilots . everyone okay . uh oh . you cant leave now . were the only thing stopping mr . burns . sorry , lisa . and by the way , that story i filed from baghdad was all made up . i was actually in basra . everyone chickened out . except ralph . he got poached by the chicago tribune . i guess were down to just me . take the sob sister act somewhere else . youre standing in my light . bart , youre staying . lise , ive learned a valuable lesson here , the pen is mightier than the flaming bag of poop . oh , its beautiful . this is an outrage . since when are public figures fair game for satire . your goons did run her off the road , sir . i cant be held responsible for what my goons were ordered to do . perhaps theres a non violent way to silence this girl . non violence never solved anything . fine , curtsy boy . ill try it your way . what the dad , mr . burns cut our power . now , i cant print my paper . these batteries have to power everything in our house . yo , ill tell you what i want what i really , want what i want , what i want ill tell you what i want i want that was totally worth it . stupid burns . cuts off my power , lowers my credit rating . lisa , i think i can help you . youre not mad about principal skinrash . are you kidding . i love it . i once had a principal like that . now , come with me . whats that . this , young lady , is a mimeo machine . a hand operated duplicating device . no electricity needed . that smell takes me back . finally in i was reunited with that chair . it wasnt quite the same . good god . im at war with a little girl . and im losing . smithers , this calls for the league of evil . my league . my beautiful league . all dead . even monsters need air , sir . blast . well , gather their watches . i must find another way to vanquish the girl . so , has your daughter always been such a righteous little rabble rouser . oh , yeah . shes always trying to improve mankind . fascinating . do go on . wait a minute . are you trying to get dirt on lisa . oh , you saw right through me . well done . have some congratulatory drugs . well , if thats your custom . now , tell me more about your daughter . and speak into the lamp . okay . well , shes into buddhism , whistle blowing, , totally against pollution , no matter what i say . liberal wacko , eh . any young beaux . well , that loser milhouse has always had a thing for her . dont you love it when nerds dont know theyre nerds . yes . theres nothing more pathetic than self delusion, , eh . hello , beefcake charlie . dad , how could you say these things . im so sorry , honey . i said good things about you , too . check out the lifestyle section . plastic pearls make the girl . well , at least theres nothing else burns can do to me . oh . lisa no . way to go , moon milhouse . its as easy as crushing an ant . you know the whoa . take my wallet and leave me alone . its not fair . i cant stand seeing one of my children like this . oh , i can still hear her . i better do something . look at you go . typety type . marge , im pulling an all nighter for my little girl . put on a pot of coffee , drink it and start making burgers . some anniversary this is . the homer times . homer all my daughter ever did was tell people to think for themselves . i may be her father , but when i grow up , i want to be just like her , except still a dude . oh , dad , this is so sweet . but ive learned one little paper cant make a difference in this world . the barney bugle . lisa , youve made me realize the importance of free and independent media . so i printed my own paper . although , its mostly culled from wire services . hey , who wants a copy of the lenny saver . you have a newspaper , too . well , i was reading in the homer times about what you did for us . and i got to thinking maybe i should start asking my own questions . you know , find out the truth about things . it had to be told . check out the willie world news . i reviewed the new tractors . theyre all shite . see , lisa . instead of one big shot controlling all the media , now theres a thousand freaks xeroxing their worthless opinions . i couldnt be prouder . are you a patty or a selma . take our quiz . well , blow me down . im a selma . well , i guess its impossible to control all the media . unless of course youre rupert murdoch . he is one beautiful man . i couldnt agree more . smithers , im a proud fellow , and its not easy for me to admit defeat . but i know just the thing to make me feel better . shopping . springfield . im all for halloween fun but a sance sounds a little pg  . but this is your chance to contact your late wife , maude . well , i do miss the missus . maude flanders , we the living beseech you to appear . ned im back . give me a kiss . chill out , dudes . its me , bart simpson . what are you looking at . maude . you still look as pretty as the day i buried you . are you ready for tales that will shatter your spine and boil your blood . well , duh . then choke on these . treehouse of horror now to spend some quality time away from my family . ive got a list of things for you to do . my favorite is number three . oh , id love to . but someone made me too many pancakes and now i have to sleep them off . oh , those were for the church breakfast . were they now . hammocks . get your hammocks . the hammock man . im glad hes a little early today . the price is . but i must warn you , this is no ordinary hammock . its webbing is a mesh of comfort and evil . you had me at comfort . mm hm . hmm , mr . hammock , say hello to madam ass . unh . what the . it made another me . how cool is that . wa . hmm , no bellybutton . shuttles in the hangar . you wanna be my slave . outstanding . oh , uh mm hm . speed it up , ugly . eh , he had a good run . im gonna need help with this . hmm . beer for me . no , youve got chores to do . chores . me need clone . wait a minute . wow , four of me . i think this could be a magic hammock . and it just might be the answer to my problems . uh what do you think , homer . does this make my hips look big . outfit good , flatters butt . oh , arent you a dear . then after world war ii , it got kind of quiet till superman challenged fdr to a race around the world . fdr beat him by a furlong . or so the comic books would have you believe . the truth lies somewhere in between me good dad . hmm . does dad seem a little dumber than usual . me not notice . homie , youve been such a sweetheart today . lets go upstairs and ill take it from here , fake o . uh uh . uh huh . unh . unh . why you little aah . man , are we evenly matched . me concur . it would take three clones to beat the original homer . hmm . huh , i mean four . oh . suckers . kids , your father made us breakfast . yay . go , . okay . say , homer , i was , uh i was wondering if i could borrow that chainsaw you , uh , stole from me . yeah , but you have to leave a credit card . no problem . discover okay . ned . okay , heres my amex . mm hm . homie , i must say you have the energy of men lately . twenty three . today , im gonna mow the lawn , do my taxes , shoot hoops with bart and girl it up with lisa . aw . oh , i gotta get rid of these guys . now , before i abandon you in this cornfield does anyone remember the way home . i do . anybody else . anybody else . come on . okay , everyone out . now to make sure this hammock never troubles anyone again . oh . mm . lets all go out for some frosty chocolate milk shakes . ah , look at that corn . old gils hard work is finally paying off . well , at least i got my health . aw . beer , . like comedy clubs in the late s , these ravenous clones are everywhere . theyve destroyed every building in town except moes tavern , which is reporting record business . now , uh , whos gonna be picking up the tab . lenny . anything for homers . dad , is there something youd like to tell us about this horde . youd think so , but no . they look like you , they were rude to patty and selma and the horde has been described as very gassy . yeah , its a good group . currently the , uh , vietcong i mean , the , uh , homers are occupying these areas . by tomorrow good god , were doomed . no . were out of doughnuts . thats it . i know exactly what we should do . thank god . and you said we shouldnt let little girls in the war room . look , i was wrong , okay . mm , doughnuts . want doughnut . doughnut . chocolate . doh . doh . doh . son of a doh . thank you , general . thats a big relief . the horde is almost dead . theres still some writhing and twitching . but that should stop by morning . good news . mm . one handsome hubby is all i need . no bellybutton . youre a clone . then the real homer first over cliff . my homies dead . how will i go on . you like back rub . oh , well . and if you cant be with the one you love the one youre with goldie , you were more than just a goldfish . you were a member of the family . rest in peace , pal . william h . bonney . gunned down july . aged . so young . i dream of a world without guns . dont we all , william . lisa has a dead boyfriend . hes not my dead boyfriend . he is a dead boy who happens to be my friend . mr . bonney , im gonna make your dream come true . if not for guns , poor william bonney mightve become a doctor or a senator . or a frustrated novelist . ha , sure . the point is lets stop the madness and ban guns now . yeah . yeehaw . the girls right . im sorry . i cant live without passion . well , not so tough without your gun , are you , snake . ow . i guess you are . thats what i like about this job , you learn stuff . twenty eight, , . theres one missing . not mr . blastie . its okay , boy . youll be shooting angels in heaven . well , boys , now its our turn . uh , this always made me feel like a man , you know . now all i got is my enormous genitals . three cheers for a gun free springfield . hip , hooray . hip , hooray . hip , hooray . springfields weapons of death have been converted into weapons of climbing and sliding . the bumps tickle my bottom . i proudly declare our town utterly defenseless . if only poor william bonney were here to see his dream come true . oh , but i am . william bonney . better known as billy the kid . ha ha . looks like the only guns left are in my cold dead hands . now , id like you to meet the hole in the ground gang . frank and jesse james . the sundance kid . aah . what happened to butch cassidy . what happened to butch cassidy . were not joined at the hip . and the most evil german of all time , kaiser wilhelm . huh . he aint no cowboy . sure i am . yippy , wippy , . okay , hes in . now , lets rob the bank , give the money to the poor then rob the poor and shoot the money . play us some pian ee . thats piano . i said , pian ee . you , play the cell ee . you , sing a song about cattle rustling . and you , sing one about , uh , robbing banks . calfs in the field so you sneak up slow grab him by the tail and go , man , go break into the bank and snatch that dough please dont hurt our family marge , let me do a solo . this could be my big break . i very much doubt that , homer . these are horrible ghouls from the past . hey , so are the grammy judges . ha ha , ugh . pardon the grabbing but ive perfected a device that could save us all . a time machine . we can go back to the past and save our guns . give me . uh , for flailing out loud , i hope he doesnt do anything to ruin the space time continuum . thats all oh , dear . poor william bonney might have become a doctor or a senator . hear me , people of the past . hey , everyone , thats us . i come to deliver a terrifying message of hope . grab your guns and follow me . yeah . all right . dad , what are you doing . oh , how to explain this to a child . hmm . future daddy needs to double kill these corpses so they wont come back as zombies and get him . another tragedy prevented by gun violence . i guess guns really are the answer . hear me , people of springfield . i come from yet another distant future where gun violence has destroyed the very earth itself . what is this , open mike night . hah . now to get me some caveman hookers . tell me again why were spending our vacation on the island of lost souls . hey , what could be more fun than an island shaped like a big smiley face . welcome to my island . dr . hibbert . but we heard youd gone mad . yes , completely mad . about providing topnotch vacation values . ha ha . willie , help them with their bags . now , he may try to slobber on your crotch . ha , . ive been around scotsmen . homer , someones in trouble . hey , im on vacation . dr . hibbert , this is a topnotch resort . can you recommend some activities . well , one activity you might enjoy is not asking questions . but mans inquisitive nature is what separates us from the animals . why must we be separated . think what shakespeare mightve accomplished if hed had the eyes of an eagle or could spray stink on his critics . now , whod like some turkey . its a lovely nerd i mean bird . no . wait a minute now . guess what , im dying , ha , with the basting and the butterballing and the chestnut stuffing in my pupik . gobble , . death . homie , something very creepy is going on here . theyre gonna try to sell us timeshares . i think im going to do a little sleuthing . bring back some ice . house of pain . this must be where you pay the bill . why am i always so funny when no ones around . oh , im around . unh . whats up , honey . want a little loving . woo hoo, , quite a tiger there . easy , . ha , i guess it has been a while . okay , that hurts more than it tickles . quiet , youse . isnt vacation sex always the best . marge , you were like a wild beast . so voracious and prowly . and ive never seen you use your tail like that . what the . oh , my god . shes become a monster . which i have to admit , i sort of suspected during the sex . gotta find a way to change marge back . and replace the mms i took from the minibar . hey , homer . flanders . oh , a perfect vacation ruined . hate to be a needy neddy , but could you do me a favor . hmm . milk me . uh , i really dont wanna do that , ned . oh , come on , homer . all im asking is for you to yank my teats and harvest my milk . ugh , fine . oh , thats nice . youre actually quite gentle when you wanna be . you know , youre not helping . in the jungle , the creepy jungle homer rides a freak shh . hey . huh . whats that . im a dog . hear me , accursed brethren . i understand that some of you are still wearing tattered pants . please , throw them on the bonfire and embrace your animal essence . okay , but im keeping the tattered vest . i still have my dignity . hey , slops . oh , a toenail . ha , . i cant believe it . hibberts turned you all into human guinea pigs . we prefer italian american pigs . hey , dad , check it out . eat my shorts . why , you little maggie . lisa . ugh . we were just playing . what game . lets eat maggie . manimals , inverta broads . you must fight back against the one who did this to you . yar , the half man, , speaks the truth . now , i admit i made a few mistakes , but all in the name of progress . hear , . its mr . burns . with a fox attitude . think about it , my hideous children . arent you better off now than you were as humans . me gusto pollen . disco shrew can still boogaloo . you guys are nuts . all you can do is eat and sleep and mate , and roll around in your own filth and mate and eat where do i sign up . so how do you like being a walrus , dad . its great . i havent been this skinny since high school . homie , someone owes me a back scratch . look at that island shaped like our number four . makes you think . springfield . ah . hi , moe . got any beer . sure . check in the fridge . wait a minute , im at work . you gotta pay for it . what the . wheres my money . dear homie , had to buy diapers for maggie . love , marge . wha . simpson . oh . dear dad , took money for the book fair . homer , i need cash or theyre gonna break my legs . sorry , homer . so youre gonna let me walk out sober . im afraid so . and you can live with that . ya huh . fine . there are plenty other ways for me to alter my consciousness . oh , yeah . are you gonna buy those toads or just lick them . lick them . go away . ah . thanks for the donation , mr . simpson . do you feel okay . jewish . oh , no , im not jewish . wait till moe sees how wasted i got without him . hes gonna plotz . you wouldnt serve homer because he didnt have money . what happened to you , moe . you used to be about the booze . oh , yeah . i guess i got caught up in all the glitz and glamour . well , moe . homer , im so sorry . have a free beer . oh . uh , i dont care about the color of your skin , lenny . youre my friend . man , ive never seen anybody get loaded so fast . can you say the alphabet backwards . oh , youd like that , wouldnt you . you hey , im worried . ive had just about enough of you . oh , yeah . uh huh . oh , rats . im out of here . we cant let our friend drive like this . im liable here . uh . get his keys . hey , you want my keys . get them now , jerks . so long , jerks . running after the car , huh . lets see if you can follow this . good morning , everybody . whats for breakfast , cutie . homie , its p . m . were having dinner . what . wait a that cant be right . wait . was last night the night we set the clocks ahead eight hours . you got loaded at moes and the car had to be towed home . if i was that drunk , i would remember it . its true . i couldnt even wake you up for work this morning . i had to tell mr . burns you had violent diarrhea . oh , couldnt you come up with a less embarrassing lie . but you did have violent diarrhea . nobody open the hallway closet until i say its okay . remember how you got home last night , dad . of course . it was , uh , some kind of a light rail . theres no light rail in springfield . oh , wont anyone pretend to believe me . i will , dad . thats why youre my favorite . all right , time for my favorite show . monkey trauma center will not be seen tonight oh . so we may present this cheaper show . taxicab conversations . hey , i read about this show in teen modern maturity . they film passengers with cameras and catch them at their most uninhibited . that explains that . looks like somebody got down tonight . disco stu always gets down , baby . because when the beat is hot , the hey , can you keep a secret . what is it , hon . i hate disco . its all ive talked about for so long , people think im a one note guy . its just getting harder , you know . i had no idea disco stu was so complex . how you doing . talky thing , aint you . another proud moment for the simpsons . i dont remember anybody telling me i was gonna be on tv . so , what do you do for a living . oh , you know , im a guy at a place . howd you get such a crappy job . you a convict or a junkie . little of both . you got a family . oh , yeah . wife and two or three kids . cant imagine my life without them . oh , you big fooler . pretending not to remember so you could surprise us . yeah , im pretty great . at the end of a hard day theres no better feeling than coming home to the people that you love . oh , homie . that is so sweet . i had no idea , dad . i just assumed with all the stranglings , you know that my family isnt the center of my universe . are you nuts . then theres those other days where you just wish you never got married or had kids . one minute , youre a carefree teenager with dreams of being a rock star , or a photographer for playboy then , bam , some babe gets her claws in you huh . and , boom , you got a bunch of kids that always needs love . so whammo , you get stuck in some boring job where they dont let you play guitar or take pictures of naked women . and all you can do is watch yourself get bald and fat and kiss your dreams goodbye . oh , i cant believe they took monkey trauma center off for this . lousy family . so im just some babe who sank her claws into you . a hot babe . oh . have you always resented us , dad . oh , i dont resent you , sweetheart . what i was trying to say , and maybe i didnt use the right words was that marriage is like a coffin and each kid is another nail . but as coffins go please dont say anymore . sorry we ruined your life , homer . hmph . oh , what have i done . get in . what . get in . hey , whats this suitcase for . are we going on a trip . you are . where are you taking me . a place where youll never be bothered by your family again . oh . get out of the car , homer . you cant just leave me out here . theres not another woman for miles . sorry , dad . maybe now youll appreciate us . while youre spending the week at rock n roll fantasy camp . the rolling stones rock n roll fantasy camp . but i thought you guys were mad at me . for once in my life , im confused . we had a family meeting and decided that even though what you said about us was incredibly thoughtless and hurtful , you had a point . damn straight . you work a job you dont like so im able to be home with the kids . and you take me places you hate like museums , plays and the olive garden . and even though you knew i ratted you out to the irs you never busted me . you what . so to say thank you for all your sacrifices we spent our family vacation fund on something thats just for you . do you like it . you guys are the best . i love you . i love you . i love you ugh , oh . im okay . i love you . i love you . i love you . hey , what gives . where are all the rock stars . i dont know , but its starting to get dark . huh , what was that . oh , its getting closer . hello , campers . how you doing . oh , my god . oh , my god . oh , my god . its mick jagger and keith richards . welcome to rock n roll fantasy camp where youll experience the complete rock n roll lifestyle without the lawsuits and stds . whoa . stds . now , youre all here for one reason to rock . who said that . thats right , otto . were here to rock . so get a good nights sleep . and remember rule number one , there are no rules . rule number two , no outside food . oh , what a gyp . hey , mick , you gonna teach us your cocksure strut . not today , i got a ton of paperwork to catch up on . ah , tell me about it . at my job , we oh , youre gone . hey . wake up . are you ready to receive professional training in rock . have you been awake all night . i am so excited , i couldnt fall asleep . i even took some pills i found on the floor . you took pills you found on the floor . uh huh, , now im afraid that if i stop talking , ill die . isnt mick cool . i thought hed be all like , im a rock star . arent i great . but hes just like you or me or jesus over there . can i have a guitar . can i have a guitar . people , if everyones gonna pick guitar , im not gonna have enough . oh , come on . theres lots of other fun instruments like bass . come on , whod like to be a bass player . out of my way , nerdlinger . my image . get me the strat . hand me the strat . im telling mr . jagger . oh , im telling mr . jagger . the clothes you wear on stage should be a defiant statement of individuality . like this , mr . kravitz . god , no . may we talk about , uh , accentuating the masculine area . did you hear that , people . apu asked about crotch stuffing . now , i dont do it . kenny loggins does . i trusted you . i trusted you . now , a guitar has many , nicknames . an ax , a gitbox well , i guess thats it . anyway , were gonna start with the fundamentals . playing a burning guitar with your teeth . all right , fire . mr . seltzer . setzer . no , i think its seltzer . what is it , homer . i came up with a stage move i feel is very cool . baby , weve gotta start using a cheaper oatmeal . sorry , mick . simpson . okay , strut , spin , and rooster . look , everyone , homers got it . im so hot for me im so hot for me im so cold okay , now schoolmarm . im the burning fire im the bleeding volcano everybodys naughty and freeze finish . ow . no matter where you are always say its the wildest town in the whole damn world . when you said it in springfield last year , you didnt mean it . yeah , sure i did . but only because springfield really is the wildest town in the whole damn world . yes , i knew it . i knew it . springfield . lyrics are the hardest part of songwriting . when you come up with something meaningful and heartfelt boring . will you stop saying that . rock stars are supposed to be about drinking and getting drunk and boozing it up . girls that have legs and know how to use them . and why i cant drive . you just want mindless generic rock . precisely . see that drunk girl speeding down the street . yeah . shes worried about the state of public schools she likes to party , she likes to rock yeah . she prays that our schools dont run out of chalk getting away from the gig can be a matter of life and death . so you gotta be in great physical shape . okay , follow me . paparazzi to the left . i got them . im entitled to a private life . im not a role model and so forth . good , homer . now , just past the groupies and were home . i love you . please sleep with us . theyre bloody cardboard . we know . you aint never caught a rabbit and you aint no friend of mine yeah . aah . well , what do you think . uh , you rock , homer . really . you really think im better than you . that was great , homie . what the hell are you doing here . camp is over , homer . its been a week already . im glad you had fun . but its time to come home . your mothers right , homer . gotta get back to the real world . weve all gotta get home . my lawns not gonna mow itself . and ive gotta put up the storm windows . winters coming . wait . dont go . i wanna keep on rocking . come on , guys . a one, , ill take that . no . it came with a pick . come on , dad . no . no . i wont go . you cant make me . you knew this day was coming . i knew nothing . ugh , stop kicking me , dad . never . my dream has been shattered into shards of a broken dream . i was so close to being a rock star but now , theres a chance it might not happen . ill just have to settle for being a fat , bald , fat nothing . finally . can we go now . now , before i lock the door , do you have to go to the bathroom . no , im fine . ugh , im so despondent . cheer up , homer . its only rock n roll camp . but i like it . tell you what , were doing a benefit gig before we leave . how would you like to join us on stage . for serious . for serious , homer . can i have guest passes . woo hoo . wow , all access . all access . oh , good thing its laminated . ha ha . sir , you cant all access . oh , sorry . all access . oh . nice . you rock . wow , homer . i aint had front row seats since my moonie wedding . after the show , you can come backstage for pizza and pop . yes . all right . now , thats a winning combination . here you go . front and center . im so proud of you , homie . its like youre kid rock and im pamela anderson lee rock . oh , gotta run . enjoy the show . okay , lets see the eyes . now the fire . thanks , mate . couldnt you find a fuel efficient satan . dont you have a crotch to stuff . evening , fellow rockers . there you are . thought we were going to go on without you . im ready . just give me a guitar . how many solos should i do . four . ill do four . uh , homer , you didnt think you were gonna be playing with . my official tour jacket . lookit wait . you misspelled guitar hero . look , sorry if theres been a misunderstanding , homer . we really just need you to tap the mikes and say test , . cant you do it . oh . okay . so ill , uh okay . look , theres dad . woo hoo . yay , homer . im his groupie , ha , . am i saying that right . groupie . yeah . yeah , homer . youre the man , homer . youre the man . you rock the house . lets go , homer . its go time . its go time . test . test . why is he performing the duties of a roadie . am i saying that right . roadie . test , . check , . hey , hes not rocking out at all . test . test . test . youre testing my love for you check , youre checking to see if im true test one , test two test three , test four you test me like the water in el salvador whoa , el salvador . whats all this then . hes stealing the show from us . not on my shift . lets rock n roll . baby , uh oh . no . oh , yeah . its good to see the spectacle back in rock . did you know it was gonna turn into a riot , dad . oh , yeah . when youve been in as many as i have , you can sense them coming . did they ever find tom pettys toe . what am i , the lost and found . theres no excuse for our horrible behavior tonight , homer . we acted like a bunch of angry young men . rock n roll is supposed to be about peace and love . i hope you wont judge the entire brian setzer orchestra by my actions . what were trying to say , homer , is were sorry . by the way , i dont suppose any of you have seen my , um . no . sorry . oh . theres no need for apologies , guys . youre rock stars . youre supposed to be reckless and destructive and be celebrated for behavior that would land normal people in jail . thats what i told them , homer . just the same , wed like to make it up to you . were doing a gig tomorrow to benefit the victims of tonights gig . wed consider it an honor if you join us . well , youre very sweet , mick . but the only rocking i wanna do is in my living room chair surrounded by the worlds greatest backup group , my family . surrounded by the worlds greatest backup group , my family . there goes the last dj are you sure you dont miss hanging out with your rock star friends , dad . no , i got something to remember them by . have fun at school , kids . later , homer . mr . simpson , this zone is for school buses only . rock n roll . woo hoo . papa says no make up you mind cause i gotta go im gonna raise hell at the union hall drive myself right over the wall rip this joint gonna save your soul round and round and round we go roll this joint gonna get down low start my starter gonna stop the show and ive gotta put up the storm windows . winters coming . everybodys naughty and freeze finish . she likes to party , she likes to rock yeah . but theres lots of other fun instruments , like bass . i hope you wont judge the entire brian setzer orchestra by my actions . rock n roll is supposed to be about peace and love . who said that . will you stop saying that . simpson . springfield . lisa vs . rd grade the simpsons se episode script bart vs . lisa vs . rd grade the simpsons bart vs . lisa vs . the third grade doh . ah . welcome back to animal survivor . okay , tribes , its been a rough week . rhino , you lost the tribes fishing equipment . and we saw a dramatic collapse in the lion gazelle alliance . oh , i hate reality shows . a year ago , you said they were the greatest thing that ever happened to us . ive grown . you havent . and now were back to touch the stove . so , kevin , i hear you collect amusing postcards . uh , yeah , it all started when touch the stove . aah . i cant take any more of these shows . if i wanted reality , id finally have this lump looked at . networks love reality shows because they dont have to pay writers or actors . stupid writers and actors , priced yourselves right out of the business . nice going , geniuses . lets get one of those satellite dishes . then we can stop suckling on the six network teat . get back , honky cat . those systems are too expensive . marge , we cant pinch pennies on the machine thats going to be raising our children . come on , kids . daddy knows a way to get some money with no risk . and the winner by a nose is no risk . woo hoo . okay . now all we have to do is install your satellite dish . can you be home from a . m . monday morning through june . no problem . hey , flanders , check out my new satellite dish . boy , thats jim dandy roof candy . id love to come over and watch that church channel . i bet you would . oh , youd win that bet . im spending all my money on religious pay per . or as i like to call it , pray per . damn your sparkling wordplay . and bless your humble home . oh , its red wire to red wire . what idiot dreamed that up . cool . its the nbc news feed . mm , feed . you get to see what they do during breaks . well be right back with a special report on soccer moms who hate soccer . clear . oh , lord , im so fat , aah . hey , lis , wanna try some satellite tv . weve got japanese friends . do you like my new shirt . it says , reggae hairstyle rock n roll . could i be more japanese . you are the emperor of last year . your comeback shames me . how about the clock channel . coming up on the clock channel . wait a minute , i saw this one . i have to study for the elementary school achievement test , and so do you . hey , i dont have to study on the weekend . its wednesday night . kids , youre both right . mm . oh . were back with who wants to marry an internet billionaire . uh , no , millionaire . oh , well , now hes broke . why dont you turn off the tv and join us for dessert . i made a pie . put pie here . would you like some ice cream with that . me not pig . we now return to robo trouble . oh , im sorry . i mean , robot rumble . why are we fighting each other . together we can defeat the humans and rule the earth . i agree . sucker . homicidal robots . so like us . bart , the test is in two hours and you havent slept in a fortnight . whats a fortnight . you should know . its on the test . no pressure , children . these test results will follow you for the rest of your life and beyond the grave . this test is boring . what else is on . its finally happened , bart . youve lost your mind . now , lets raise the roof for the bland informative rap of m . c . safety and the caution crew . yo , yall feeling cautious . i say a crosswalk , a cross ity walk and dont stop crossing till youre on the next block first you look both ways then you walk not run obeying safety rules is acceptable fun break it down now just walk , dont run drink juice , yum yum watch out , beatles . i have one more important announcement to share with you . would lisa simpson join me on stage . oh . lisa , because of your outstanding score on yesterdays big test youre being immediately moved up to the third grade . shes not so great . she got diarrhea when we went to carlsbad caverns . okay , bart since you like attention so much , i have a second announcement . i was going to tell you this privately but because of your incredibly low test score were sending you back to third grade . huh . what . i gotta be in the same class as her . what . i gotta be in the same class as him . hmm . theyre gonna be in the same class as each other . an old army buddy is visiting mannix . class , meet our newest third graders , lisa and bart simpson . lisa comes to us from miss hoover while bart was taught by mrs . krabappel . slut . hi , bart and lisa . a rooster sits on a roof facing north . it lays an egg . which way does it roll . okay , the sun rises in the east so the rooster would probably wanna lay it on the cool side roosters dont lay eggs . theyre boys . very good , bart . mm hm . lisa , i want you to stick close to your big brother until you catch up . young man , youre not in this class . what are you doing here . laughing at jerks . quiet nerds burp only near school . bart , im doing my geography homework . thats how you remember the four original provinces of canada . quebec , new brunswick , ontario , nova scotia . quiet nerds burp only near school . heres how you remember their principle exports dogs eat barf solely on wednesday , mabel . stop . i wanna learn on my own . canadas governors general clowns love haircuts , so should lee marvins valet . get out . here are your math tests . morgan , dakota , ashley dakota , tyler , lisa . whats this weird mark next to my a . thats an a minus . mm , minus . nice work , bart . an a . copacetic . you did better than me . eh , i took this test last year . the answer key never changes . b c . false . false . true . william jennings bryan . thats cheating . bart cheated . young lady , in the third grade , we dont care for tattletales . and we dont care for moaners either . sobbing only pushes barts grade higher . pukers in back . kids , look what i got you for your third grade field trip . matching fanny packs . now your fannies match . hey , get away from me . get get away . quit it . stop it . let go . stop . youll crush your juice boxes . oh . all right , everybody choose a buddy for the field trip . ill take kyle . ill take ashley . saying your buddys name out loud is a security risk . ill just put you two together . oh . theres a swingin town i know called capital city punch buggy red , unh . ow . you are such an immature punch buggy white , unh . ow . stop fighting . he started it . he did punch buggy first . whats punch buggy . when you see a volkswagen bug , you punch somebody and yell the color . punch buggy blue . ow . punch buggy green . oh . punch buggy taupe . ow . oh , that really hurt . two for flinching . now , as we cross the street , i want you to hold hands with your buddy . hey , dude , whos your girlfriend . did you see his face . well , what happened , dude . did your girlfriend dump you . now , children , if you look up at the capitol dome youll see a mural of our state bird , the pot bellied sparrow eating our state pasta , bowtie . order , . the chair recognizes the esteemed representative from capital city . the capital city goofball . thats right . to win , he spent million from his own pocket . mr . speaker , the time has come to redesign our state flag . this confederate symbol is an embarrassment particularly as we are a northern state . this lively debate has given me an idea . tonight , each buddy team is going to design a new state flag . homework on a field trip . what have you been huffing . well , barts being his usual jerky self . but , mom , im really excited about this new flag design . oh , and the hotel gives you a free usa today outside your room . no , im sure its free . okay , i wont touch it . well , make sure you dont . and try not to let your brother get under your skin , honey . believe me , he doesnt . his act is getting old fast . he thinks hes really cool . but frankly , the other kids are starting to wake up and smell the cooties . one last sunbeam and were done . to fraternal love . when i get through with that flag , its gonna be a bart mangled banner . so i understand you children have some state flags for me . who would like to go first . we would , governor bailey . team simpson . i spearheaded this one . ill just unfurl this . that was my worst unfurling ever . lisa , how could you . the governor is crying . oh . you werent on this field trip . how did you get here . biked . bart , i am so mad at you . ha ha . you shouldve seen the look on your face . it was like this huh . oh , the bus . okay , children , before we leave is anyone missing their buddy . no . ah , the buddy system , foolproof . floor it , otto . wait . wait . ha , they left without you . they left without you too , you idiot . if im an idiot , how come im the smartest kid in the third grade . because youve already done it once . youve lost me . oh , forget it . hey , how do we get back . no problem . well just circle around like those kids in the blair witch project . i must be getting close . i recognize that girl . oh , bart , i think were lost . i used to be lost . until a friend turned me onto a book . a book that changed my life . its called , lisa is stupid . you die now . aah . whoa . hey . theyre gone . i dont know what happened . if the buddy system can fail , i dont know what to believe in . there , audrey . its happened to all of us . willie , we have two more names for the wall . why is it always the kids with the long names . hello , principal skinner . a parent who waives the right to sue says what . what . got it . hey , you cant fool us . were from the learn to fart state . bart and lisa are lost in capital city and presumed crying . huh . my poor babies . im so sorry . lisas a very special little girl . and well spare no expense in finding her . what about bart . were looking . but in the meantime , the class clown pro tem will take his place . cowabunga . you cold . what do you care . here . thanks . whered you get . oh . bart , youre my big brother . you should act like it more often . you know , protect me from the bad things in the world . well , as far as nerdy little sisters go , youre the coolest . thanks , bart . and im sorry i sabotaged your flag . im sorry i got us lost out here . oh , and im sorry i sawed the heads off your malibu stacy dolls . okay , you go . i dont think ive done anything else . okay , ill go again . remember when your bike was mangled by gypsies . yes . yeah , funny story . one day , i was really bored and dad had left a steamroller idling in the driveway this is where the kids were last seen . aah . the plastic casing from the tip of barts shoelace . a mother knows . well , hes not gonna get very far without that . bart , is that you . no . say your prayers . oh , lord , please strike these mountain folk dead . bart . listen , were really sorry . we got lost on a field trip from springfield elementary . lost on a field trip . heck , why didnt you say so . thats how grandpappy wound up in these parts . they was taking us to capital city to see the nutcracker . and i wandered away from the group married a bear and i started up my family . i told you , i aint a bear . roar , . no one understands you , she bear . thanks for driving us back to town . no problem . we were going there anyway to pick up the new spy magazine . im sorry , they dont publish that anymore . the world i grewed up in is gone . oh , my special little guys . youre okay . youre okay . and , maggie , you no longer have to live with the burden of replacing bart and lisa . if this episode has taught us anything its that nothing works better than the status quo . youre back to the fourth grade . yay . and , lisa , you have a choice . you may continue to be challenged in third grade or return to second grade and be merely a big fish in a small pond . big fish . big fish . the status quo . the status quo . ay caramba . thats just sad . shh . springfield . ah . woo hoo . november , . americans picked their president . victory seemed certain for governor thomas e . dewey . dewey , . dad , im telling you , truman wins . dewey defeats truman . woo hoo . i win the bet . whos your daddy . but the headlines are dead wrong . harry truman triumphs by million votes . not if i can stop that inauguration . i win , dad . that means i get to choose todays father daughter activity . lets hear it . were building homes for the homeless . you know its gonna be bad , but you just cant prepare yourself . domiciles for the destitute . is this that thing jimmy carter does . yes . but now that its hip , all the ex presidents are doing it . theres clinton , bush senior and the nice guy who finished last , jimmy himself . hey . why you im sorry , george . i didnt see you there . no hard feelings . ill slaughter you , lamebrain . what are you laughing at , clinton . ow . dad , what is that . well , if bart can be el barto oh , if only i had your courage , seor . ha , thanks . dad , youre getting paint on your wedding ring . huh . oh , right . can you hold it . this is a band aid wrapped in tinfoil . my real rings inside a turtle . are you sure well find husbands here . absolutely . these volunteer events are crawling with the successful single men we deserve . and how . lets see what weve got . well , hes not much to look at . but he is a good father . hello . wedding ring tan line . hes new on the market . hmm . can i help you . maybe . im lindsay naegle . i could move you into a beautiful new home . mine . sign here , kiss me here , initial there . what the . youre listening to radio disney . the songs you love rewritten for babies . who left the milk out . yuck , dad left the milk out yuck , thats good satire . it doesnt hurt anyone . what do you think , maggie . yuck , oh , look , theres your father . well , ive read enough articles about flirting to know it when i see it . and thats how my beautiful wife brought our son bart into the world . aw . touching . you knucklehead . a little help . ill give you a little help . uh , homie , are you as attracted to me as you were when we met . sure , why not . sometimes i worry you might think about other women . hey , why would i want purina when i got fancy feast right here . that doesnt sound very convincing . aw . it sounds like all youre looking for is a little reassurance . well bart , remember when i was crying at recess . i think im finally ready to tell you why . lets see whats on tv . i stick my neck out for no one , frankenstein , no one . oh , cool , the old batman show . struggling in vain . gather your wits , old chum . we seem to have fallen prey to that painted pagliacci of perfidy . you mean , clownface . none other . well , if it isnt bat mensch and the goy wonder . sweet valley high . krusty played a batman villain . well , sure . he was also uncle velderschmoink on bewitched . clownface , what in the name of huntley and brinkley do you plan to do to us . im just gonna take you for a spin . hoo , ha , hee , show our guests to the twirly gates . holy g force, , batman . the bloods rushing to my head . thats right , my panicky chum . in a few moments , you and i will literally blush ourselves to death . oh , my , this is taking a long time . oh , cool . we should try that at school . hey , yeah . you can try it on me . batman got out of it okay . faith and begorra , batman . how did you ever escape . fortunately , i always carry my carousel reversal spray . oh , what dont you have in that belt . patience for harlequined hoodlums like yourself . truer words were never spoken , crusader . manjula , remember when apu cheated on you . yes , thank you . im worried homer might do the same thing . what would make a husband lose interest like that . what i do now i do as your dearest friend . look at this flab . look at it . oh , my god . is that me . oh , my god . is that me . most assuredly , yes . faced with a problem like this , i wonder , what would oprah do . i need to fit into this in time for a funeral . thank you . uh , i need some liposuction . just enough to make me attractive to this man . one suck and tuck . doctor , before we begin , i have a couple questions . time is money . ask the mask . what if i just do aerobics , hmm . hmm , thats funny . hmm . i dont feel sucked out . doctor , my assistant is as flat as ever . where are the new knockers the taxpayers paid for . hmm , youre right . thats like flatsville . then where did i put those implants . what on earth have you done . my maguppies became bazongas . great ceausescus ghost . are those real . oh . oh , right . accidentally giving me breast implants is not a simple misunderstanding . my surgery was botched . botched . what is that , the word of the day . you had no right to make my bosom this ample . look , just come back in hours , i can remove the implants . oh , ill come back all right . and ill bring my husband to do a little malpractice on you . yes , your husband . im sure hes going to be furious . im a little worried about the spinning , bart . if youre uncomfortable with this in any way do it , otto . do it . do it . do it . youre the boss , kid . my change purse . hi , milhouse . skinner , i was a little wary of bringing these veterans of iwo jima to tour your school but i see my fears were unfounded . thank you , sir . and what more fitting finale than to gaze reverently at old glory . come on , boys . you know the drill . my god . this youngster befouled the flag . wait , this just doesnt add up . milhouse has never been anything but a comic foil . hey , whats going on here . something crazy . theres your queen bee . explain yourself , simpson . uh , i saw krusty do it on tv . then krusty will feel my wrath . the spritz has hit the fan . you wont hurt krusty , will you . hes all we got . shut your puke hole , punk . sir . yes , sir . oh , sweetie . hmm . oh . dont worry , maggie , ill have these silly things out in just two days . till then ill just try to hide them from the family . making it the latest segway scooter accident to claim over lives . not feeling well . going to bed . dinner and breakfast are on the table . did you label the meals so i could tell which is which . yes . locally , two school children offended veterans , educators and flag hags while imitating a stunt they learned watching tvs krusty the clown . besieged by angry protestors krusty responded as follows would you people get a life . not an option . stop corrupting our children . no . bart , this is all your fault . dont worry . krusty always lands on his feet . help . i got aah . well , someones tucked in to an insane degree . good night . hey , give me some of those blankets . unh . whats this . its enormous . oh , my god . theres another one . homer , let me explain something . explain later . homie . oh , homie . hey , what happened . i fell off . now , dont get too used to these . that awful doctor said hed take them out in a couple of days . yeah , he truly is a monster . hey , lets go out to dinner tomorrow . just you , me , the kids , and the twins . what do you say . hmm . hmm . hmm , they do make my neck look thinner . oh , all right . lets do it . mom , lisa pushed me in the laundry basket . whatever bart is saying is a lie . mom , what happened . your endowments bigger than harvards . well , that cinches it . lisa gets the prize for the best off the response . i saw them earlier , i was working on it in the hall . im sorry , we are totally full . boy , oh , boyardee . ha , . i bazoom you want a table . right this way . wow , mom , your guns got us a great table . right by the lobster tank . for you , pretty lady , i make the fresh pasta instead of the crap from a can i give to everybody else . its as cold as my love for you . and , marge , if your mouth get tired , angelo here will chew for you . yes . i like to chew . thank you , fellas . mom , doesnt it bother you that theyre giving you attention just because of those . thats not true , lisa . there are a lot of complicated issues here that can only be explained through song . you took a diamond and made it gleam like a big spaghetti dinner smothered in whipped cream youre like x men number in a mylar bag youre a brand new muscle car and all the wheels are mag you make me feel as young as the blood i get from sheep youre like jacqueline bisset in me favorite film , the deep youre sexy and exotic like a hooker from belize or a patient with insurance whos crawling with disease youre a sundae underneath two great big cherries keep in mind theyre only temporaries still wed like to say that we are very , glad to see you and i decree you the hottest thing to hit this city since the fire that killed dangerous criminals hooray . and theyre all mine hmm . homer , how come you never sang a song like that to me before . uh , i was getting around to it . kiekie highsmith , modeling . honey , i like your look . forget it , kiekie . youre not putting your brain into her body . thats not why im here . i can offer your wife a lot of modeling work . trade shows to start . then , who knows . no dice . take your fun and adventure outside . now , wait , homer . for what . confirmation of my attitude . homie , i could use a little more excitement in my life . hmm , maybe ill just keep these . thats great , mom , but dont forget i got krusty in hot water now ive got to help him out shut up , boy . oh . i dont get a song . mom got a song . with the economy the way it is , youre lucky you get soup . oh . and now , one of ov mitt cons faces to watch rookie spokesmodel , marge simpson . this sure beats slaving over a hot stove . whoa . whoa . gentlemen , say hello to springfields newest supermodel . youre a lucky man , homer . yeah . this is the longest ive ever gone without looking at lenny . dont make a fuss over me , boys . just pour me a beer in a clean glass . whoa , you said no fuss . uh , i wouldnt eat them peanuts , theyre , uh , spit backs . so , krusty , are you ready to shoot this apple off my head . well , if by shoot you mean teach and by my head you mean safety , then , yes . oh , man . now they wont let krusty do anything fun . teletubbies get away with more than this . ive learned my lesson , krusty . never again shall i look directly at an eclipse . this sucks . bring out mr . teeny . i cant . they made me release him into the wild . we got krusty into this , well get him out . we have to make him a hero again . maybe if we cut his foot off , people will feel sorry for him . it didnt help your dad get your mom back . hi , mrs . simpson . my mom said im not to look at you . whats with the belt , mom . its for my back spasms . if guys didnt keep pinching my tush , id never stand up straight . you liked all the attention you were getting . im afraid all that attention is from the wrong kind of people . hey , krusty . howd you get in here . the doorman died . oh , no . he was my agent . i have a plan that will make the world fall in love with krusty again . its too late . ive given up . the krusty i know didnt get where he is by giving up . no , i got where i am by naming names in the s . okay , whats your plan . simple . we just have to cause a riot at the springfield shoe expo . i like . i like . oh , this is my woodstock . i have been paid millions to endorse these butt ugly shoes . my forthrightness is my undoing . kiekie , im tired of tradeshow modeling . my back really hurts . you seem unhappy . so im going to inject this smile solution into your jaw . did you just drug me . what the . technically , its a toxin . hmm . okay , heres the drill . a rogue elephant , played by my old friend stampy is about to crush sweet young milhouse . then you run up and save the day by saying stampys safety word , magumbo . whoa , hes a big as brando , but he takes direction . eighty nine percent of americans would rather have a shoehorn than a computer . id like to you . ive heard about you vendors . hey , lady . i like the way your body looks . stop objectifying my mom . i will in a second . oh . hey , baby . youre an object . ha ha . help . help . who will save this promising young honors student . hey , . ill save the day . hey , its that clown who hates children . and flags . i say we judge him by what he does next . yeehaw . hey , elephant , i got one word for you columbo . no , thats not it . modesto . daktari . nintendo . oh . whoa . oh , if he bites , im sunk . if he swallows , im good . dad , look . im on it . be careful , uh . all right , aim for the big hose coming out of his face . you mean the trunk . easy there , college boy . wait . wait . my son , my husband , and the van houten boy are in there . sorry , maam . we dont negotiate with elephants . ready mom , do something . aim ive gotta stop them from shooting . i dont lisa , dont hate me for this . continue aiming . still aiming . hey , cops . check out this all points bulletin . whoa , look at those magumbos . hey , thats it . magumbo . i came out of the elephants mouth , right . because i already showered once today . oh . ha ha . well , you saved krustys reputation . you learned a woman doesnt need a chest to be beautiful . thats how i felt all along . lisa learned a lesson . lisa learned a lesson . kids , id like to re introduce you to classic marge . i finally feel like me again . youre not disappointed are you . not at all , sweetie . at least one of us should be able to put their arms around the other one . anyway , youre the only man i want ogling me . oh , were gonna do a little more than just ogling . oh , homie . lets go get fried chicken . who let her jugs out . doh , marge let her jugs out doh , who let her jugs out . doh , marge let her jugs out doh , ho , who let her jugs out . doh , marge let her jugs out doh , who let her jugs out . doh , marge let her jugs out doh , ho , shh . springfield . ah . oh , this doesnt look good , sir . this man could sue us . yes . if hes smart , hell hold out for millions . whoo hoo . i got skybox tickets . and with only percent loss of my brain function . life is cant beat a skybox . all the excitement of being in the sky with the security of being in a box . oh , this is gonna be the coolest basketball game ever . actually , it says here were gonna see hockey . no . would you care for some cologne . you have anything with ground up whale in it . but of course . hey , dont we regular fans get anything . hey , do we tip these guys , or what . wow , its so fancy . its like mobys house on cribs . paint your portrait , sir . can you paint me knocking out larry holmes . certainly . dont hit my face . okay , where do you want it . i dont know . work the stomach . mm . that takes me back . check out those non skybox losers watching hockey without sushi . if you can call that hockey . hey , homers looking down his nose at us . lets take mr . figgy pudding down a peg . otto , what are you waiting for . get your ass on my neck . im getting close . i smell vinaigrette . heads up , dad . here comes the scum . tsk , . why cant they just be happy for my success . hot fudge . arr , it burns . oh , great . and i just got all that gum out of my armpits . all right . a people tooth . gummy sue , this is your lucky day . there . now i is like britney spears . yeah . this is a joke . its a hockey game . whatever . hey , kozlov . aim for the five hole . hes got an opening the size of red square . thank you , mouthy american child . please to take my hockey tree . hmm . come on , lisa . its time to go . but the games not even over . theyve already told the skybox fans whos gonna win . huh . yeah . go , ice o . this sucks . how come lisa gets something and i dont . because she took the trouble to wander away and talk to a stranger . your sister getting something nice doesnt hurt you in any way . hmm . better add some more nails . perfect . well , cock a . what a marge alicious way to start my flander rific day . wha . hey , ma , our crap shacks going to hell . bart , watch your potty mouth . hey . get out . im in here . oh . i think we might have termites . these are no ordinary termites . what youve got here are russian no wood . can you save our house . okay . but in order to kill these bugs , ive got to live like a bug think like a bug , become a bug . ugh . why do you always hire the cheapest guy . i go by how funny the sign is . sweet . a circus . lets sneak in . thats using your noodle . so when can we go back in our house . not for a while , im afraid . i had to use the good poison . it comes with james coburns picture on the bottle . this place wont be inhabitable for another six months . but where will we live . dont worry . well just hang out in front of the house beside these garbage cans . the time will just fly by . uh , that was boring . lets get a hotel . dont you have any rooms . we cant live in our house for six months . sorry , folks . every hotel room in town is booked . stupid bran producers convention . im just gonna say it . we havent had a good idea since raisin bran . what . heresy . let him speak . no . hes crazy . why dont we stay at a youth hostel . i do not want another lecture from a german backpacker about how we dont appreciate the national park system . i know . well stay with my very best friend in the world . lenny . hey , simpsons . thats lenny . oh , i wanted the black one . wow , lenny . your apartment is stunning . your apartment is stunning . so how do you afford such a sweet pad . what the hell was that . oh , i share a common wall with a jai alai court . ha ha . thats the sound of the pelota hitting the fronton . i find it soothing . thanks for letting us stay with you . oh , it is such an honor to host our favorite family . and you came at an exciting time . im chairing a meeting of the galactic u . n . my apologies . the paint is still wet on ambassador farfoon . we are not staying at moes . maggies already drunk on the fumes . and shes a mean drunk . come on , guys . you gotta stay . tonights the big cockfight . we can eat the loser . pfft . who wants to eat a loser . dad , we have to find a place soon . i really have to go to the bathroom , and im out of tokens . i heard of a new reality show where they let you live in a home for free . oh , yeah . the gimmick is its a house from . you gotta do everything like they did back then . wed be too late to save lincoln and too early to save kennedy . you could save mckinley . its not a time machine , moe . marge , im still not sure about this . hey , if tv can give mike omalley a home it can give us one . welcome to the reality channel . im mitch hartwell , creator of the challenge . and by creator , i mean i saw it on dutch television and tweaked the title . this family looks pretty interesting . but isnt the dad bill cosby . you see , i gotta get back on the tv because with the osbournes and the soft core porns and the dogs pooping and nobody scooping and the we need a family that hasnt been on tv forever . lets try the simpsons . i like what im seeing in there . argh . ill teach you to whistle on the sabbath . they go to pieces over nothing . theyre perfect for reality tv . wheres that kid with my latte . hes not coming , is he . is he . welcome to your home for the next six months . oh , man . i cant wear this . i look like buster brown . whoever that is . oh , you look adorable , lisa . your school chums are going to be so jealous of your little outfit . god , i wish i had that little outfit . yeah . those golden curls are to die for . wow , they had an army helmet under every bed . uh , mr . simpson , thats a chamber pot . youre supposed to go to the bathroom in it . befoul an army helmet . youd like that , wouldnt you , hippie . behind this door , youll find the one piece of st century technology in the whole house . oh , please be a melon baller . please be a melon baller . this is your video confessional . you come in here to express your deepest feelings and darkest secrets . uh , ha , . my hair isnt really blue . i need that tape . good morning , ladies . whats so good about it . it takes six hours to make breakfast now . you should see how much trouble dads having shaving with a straight razor . finally . im no longer a slave to the gillette corporation . why , it says here that president cleveland has okay , more coal . less coal . less , . more . less , . and none . perfect . by orders of the reality channel i must make sure that you only buy items available in . oreos . sorry , these are from . non scarring toilet paper . ha . dream on . urkel os . delicious but forbidden . ill just take these tampons . i dont believe they had those in . yes , they did . look closer . oh . twenty three skidoo . you know , its . the kids are in bed and maggies in her cage . maybe i could wuther your heights . well , okay . blow out that lamp and ill take off my victorian undergarments . all right , let me get that . remember , if you just that comes off . thats no . up . all right . lets see what weve got here . almost done . this has been the worst week of my life . i miss my toys , my video games . mutt and jeff comics are not funny . theyre gay , i get it . youve been in there over an hour . other people have to confess too , you know . oh , i cant hold it in . i hate this house . ugh . bread tastes like clothes . im so cold . all of you stink so much . this is great television . yeah . i cant wait to see which one of them dies first . look , we cant give up . were on tv . and when youre on tv you dig in your claws and you never let go . just like bill moyers . telegram for haywood u . cuddlemee . haywood u . cuddlemee . big guy in the back , haywood u . cuddlemee . hey oh . oh , that little oh . im gonna drive a golden spike where your union meets your central pacific . stop . aw . bart , honey , would you like some more cod liver oil . yes , mom . i thought i was regular before , but i was wrong . with all this hard work , im too tired to worry about the world . and soon , i will marry one of fathers wealthy business associates . oh , i wish you would reconsider the proposal of hiram beatwife . hes betrothed to martha takeapunch . this is boring . yeah . switch it to the elderly animal channel . the shows getting boring . were losing viewers . i have an idea . its crazy , but it just might work . like it did last week on another show . we bring in the biggest , most famous star from a s sitcom whose phone hasnt been disconnected . hello . squiggy . why is the guy from laverne shirley living in our house . because nobodys watching you clowns . if you was to ask me , youre all too calm and happy . the essence of drama is conflict . thats why they gave me this taser . this still isnt working . fixing this show is gonna take some original thinking . everybody , pull out your tvs and start flipping around . i think ive got an idea . turn to channel . hmm . hello , laverne . hello , laverne . hello , laverne . marge , im off to the blacksmiths to get my tooth pulled . oh . lisa . explain . the network made our show more exciting by dumping the house in a river . marge , throw me an old timey rope in an old timey way . this rope was woven from handlebar moustaches . you monsters . you turned this show into a survivor clone . mr . simpson , your contract allows us to do anything we want to you . i would never sign that . unless there was a red sticker that said sign here . uh huh . thats what we used . where do you get those things , anyway . oh , no . everything is ruined . our good bellows , our stereopticon . squiggy . homer , your strop . your strop . our lives are ruined . oh , yeah . this is great stuff . lets take lunch , people . do we get lunch . were not allowed to interfere with the reality of the show . which reminds me , burn the leftovers . leave nothing . i cant remember the last time i cried like this . when you put your t shirt on backwards . oh , yes . the tag chafed my throat . lets go eat some bugs . is it just me or are you guys getting sick of crazy adventures . psst . psst . savages . ill handle this , marge . we come in peace . we take your land . were not savages . im a paralegal from cleveland . and im a nutritionist from santa fe . we were a tribe on another reality show , but we lost the final challenge . i just couldnt eat anymore kangaroo testicles . so the show just abandoned us here . the weird part is , now i cant get enough of them . but now were going to escape . were gonna overpower your crew and return to civilization . wow . marge , i think i figured out their primitive language . thats my homie . is it so gosh darn hard to get cocktail sauce in the middle of the amazon . now we know what it feels like to be tormented . and yet i learn nothing . and now to wreck their precious helicopter . no , homer , no . thats our only way home . yes , but okay . whoa . that lenny sure had a crazy apartment . oh , it sure is good to be home . no more reality shows for us . lets watch some quality , scripted television . law order elevator inspectors unit . heres the thing , inspector . the button for five doesnt light up . i think im gonna be sick . oh , thats it . tv was the one good thing in my life and now i cant enjoy it anymore . hmm . i guess well have to find a new way to entertain ourselves . what about books . yeah . if we read books , we could form a club . if we formed a club , we could serve drinks . hey , dad . why dont we watch you drink from a hose . good idea , lisa . hmm . the waters off . ill use my eye to see what the trouble is . hmm . off again . maybe i can hear whats going on . so this has become a game of wits , has it . perhaps my other eye will get to the bottom of this . shh . springfield . ah . three minutes , seconds a new personal best . maggie . no one will ever know . mail call . anything good . the george foreman mail sorter will let us know . mm . your family is invited to a free weekend at stagnant springs spa . oh , that place is famous . its where j lo hit p . diddy upside the head with gary coleman . our attendants can take and stick it in your boobs . and this place isnt just for gals anymore . its also for vain , effeminate men . kent brockman . well , if you find this shocking , look at tom brokaw . truly , that was the greatest regeneration . this place blows . im gonna go float a baby ruth down a mineral bath . dont worry , kids . weve got something just for you . do you like dr . seuss . no . then youll love dr . mas seuss . bad posture has floobled and snozzled your neck . ill stop talking like this if you write me a check . oh . these turtles know just where the knots are . it just shows you god has a plan for every creature . yes , indeed . oh , ahh , oh . help . please . someone throw me a stick . dont struggle . youll only sink faster . roll your eyes back into your head , focusing on your breathing . you should feel a pleasant tingling . oh , i do . i do . now , get down on all fours with your rear in the air . what position is this . the american taxpayer . the american taxpayer . hmm . oh , my god . a naked celebrity . be cool . the whole world already saw it in nudist camp commandant . i wore nothing . do not use steam room if you are overweight or have a heart condition . wait a minute . im not wearing a shirt . who ordered the steamed gentile . mm , steamed gentile . dont worry . us pigs will catch this killer . now , mr . simpson , is it possible youre living a double or triple life that your wife doesnt know about . triple . no . definitely no . you have to do something to protect my husband . where on my badge does it say anything about protecting people . uh , second word , chief . thanks , princeton pete . now , your case requires someone who understands the twisted mind of a murderer . and i know just where to find him . paris . no . no , not paris . im never gonna go to paris . these are our most dangerous criminals . each one crazier than the last . uh , come to think of it he should be there and this guy , he should be over there . wait . youre saying hes crazier than i am . thats exactly what im saying , decapitating harry . now move it . yeah , . whatever . i dont think this was a great place to bring the children . it beats disneys california adventure . mm hm . oh , yeah . yeah , thats true . which one of these psychos is gonna help me catch my killer . hes right in here . access denied . oh , fine . i gotta use a fork . hello , bart . aah . sideshow bob . oh , come now . weve been through so much together . just call me bob . aah . bob . all right , bob , if you help us catch the guy trying to kill homer well make it worth your while . what could you offer me . your pick of roles in the prison musical . this year , i think its man of la mancha . yeah . don quixote , sancho panza dr . carrasco , you know , theyre all great parts . ugh , what a great show . i wish it was today . so , what do you say , bob . fair enough . now , i will need round the access to all the simpsons especially bart . then you might as well stay with us . we serve the same meat the prisons do . wait , . bob cant stay with us . this man has tried to kill me so much , its not funny . dont worry , son . we have ways of making him compliant . dad , i cant believe youre putting my life at risk to save your own . youll understand someday when you have kids . now , if he even looks at you funny this shock garter will set him straight . and dont try taking it off because its taped to your leg hair . and that really hurts . oh , come now . as gentlemen , surely we can just agree to dear god . sorry . fair enough . but now that we know what it can do , theres no need to mother . wow . you dont even have to point it at him . homer , think carefully . of all the people you have known , who might have reason to do you ill . hmm . well , theres mr . burns fat tony , the emperor of japan , ex president bush . the late frank grimes . pbs , stephen hawking the fat little dixie chick . and the state of florida . how can one man have so many enemies . im a people person . who drinks . ah . homer , in order to identify your assailant i must follow you through the course of a normal day . just do what you usually do and the killer will reveal himself . gotcha . this is a normal day . i just wanted to impress you . welcome to your springfield mardi gras headquarters . cast your vote now for this years king . mardi gras , eh . didnt last years king have to abdicate because he married a commoner . and id do it again . but i do miss the royal crown cola . ah , yes , the kwik e . i havent been here since i robbed it dressed as krusty . my one successful crime . you were quite the gentleman . todays robbers , they are all smash and . you understood the dance . our time is passing , old friend . uh , if you two country hens are finished clucking id like to buy a copy of jugs and ammo . well , weve settled that argument . you cant read a magazine and drive . look , junior , i expect this to be fixed with quality gm parts . but your car was built in croatia . its made from old soviet tanks . just fix it , mr . sasswrench . homer , please . the last thing you need is more enemies . right , . im counting the pennies in the ashtray . theres two . the trap is set . the killer will think this dummy is you out for an evening stroll . now we lie in wait like hungry cassius for noble caesar . youre so smart . shock him . odds bodkins . oh , someones coming . now whos the sociopath , huh . moe . hes got a dark side ive never dreamed of . well , mystery solved . wait a moment . hes hurt . go , . these are homers friends and family . they dont want him dead . they just want him to suffer . thank you , lord . once i kill you , everyone will think im the real homer . ha ha . none of this seems odd to you . meh . none of this seems odd to you . meh . say , bob , how come you were never able to kill bart . yeah . a kid should be real simple to kill . id come up behind him with a knife and slit his throat real quick . guys , bob is my only hope . back off and give him room to think . homer , if i could write haikus while skinheads beat me with soap i can concentrate anywhere . oh , my god . hes getting closer . ugh . my poor jar . oh , why didnt i take more photos . memories like the corners of my mind heres an interesting clue . homers assailant left a black smudge on the spa invitation . this could be the breakthrough we ha , . i thought i could get it while it was in the recharger . i was wrong . i dont know how we ever had fun without him . we now return to that s show . hey , pop , wheres the crank on this victrola . why , its the latest model . from now on , the only crank in this house is your aunt gladys . for your information , im cranky because ive got polio . aww . oh . tom shales gave this show a good review and im the one in prison . bob , i know youre enjoying fall preview week but i was wondering if you made progress towards finding homers killer . no , i havent . go ahead , shock me . well , just a little one . homer , its stuck . listen , homer , i dont know who your killer is . but i do know hell strike again . your only hope is to stay completely out of sight . very well . i am gone . aah . dont look at me . homer simpson . right here . youve been elected king of mardi gras . whoo hoo . good things do happen to bad people . honey , the king of mardi gras has to ride around on a float all day . youll be a sitting duck . marge , youre embarrassing me in front of the drag queen . ha , . its mardi gras time in springfield . this years king is none other than local hothead homer simpson . long live the king . in a related story , homer simpson may not have long to live . homer , its a trap . you only won because somebody stuffed the ballot box with these . nonetheless , the people have spoken . but im afraid youll get hurt . this is a way to flush this killer out once and for all . and get drunk on a tuesday . todays tuesday . and youve had six beers . but im not drunk . yeah . the killer is out there . i would stake my entire fortune of cigarettes on it . now , bob , i know youre concerned . but dont worry . i have operatives working the crowd . so , uh , youre from tempe . im from chicago . whoa , im so drunk im gonna puke . you ever get that feeling , beautiful . america loves its kings , from george iii to larry . phew . just italians . his floats already moving . i didnt even hear the engine start . yeah , its really running quiet . some mechanic tuned it up before the parade . a mechanic . my god . thats it . homer , you must get off that float . the brake line has been cut . oh , my god . attention , drunken idiots . this is your king . sacrifice yourselves to slow me down . oh , thats heavy . aah . hey , how about some beads . theyre not for dudes . thats cool . dads heading straight for the museum of swordfish . that museum has been nothing but trouble since it opened . must save buffoon . huh . ha , . i did it . wha . you saved my life . i saved a life . and it feels wonderful . and yet , i could just as easily drop you to your death . dont be so sure . i got my legs wrapped around your ass pretty tight . everything going dark . like duff stout , the beer that made ireland famous . i love you , doris . i oh . were up so high . where could that shot have come from . theres your killer . well , duh . your king needs these stilts . jesus is our only king . not anymore . there he is . hey , i know you . youre my mechanic , junior . frank grimes , jr . frank grimes dont you remember . your apelike incompetence drove my father insane . frank grimes whats this . extremely high voltage . well , i dont need safety gloves , because im homer simp oh , yeah . how is old grimey . hes dead . like you should be . whoa . wait , frank grimes wasnt married . how could he have a son . he happened to like hookers , okay . dad , i figured it out . the murderer is we know , frank grimes , jr . huh . precisely . take him away , boys . thats nice work , bob . now give him the rhino tranqs . if i can tranq out just one freak on stilts i know ive done my job . youre living the dream , chief . dad , im really glad youre still alive . yeah , its every parents dream to outlive their children . good night , son hello , bart . looking for this . now im going to take some advice that was given to me by lenny and kill you without delay . one thrust and the deed is done . i cant do it . why not . well , i guess ive , dear god grown accustomed to your face . ive grown accustomed to his face and dreams of gouging out his eyes ive grown accustomed to my hate my plans to lacerate to disembowel to hear him howl the very reason thatl live is plotting how to watch him die bart , turn down that original cast recording and go to sleep . i know this chubby scalawag has made my life a living hell surely if i drank his blood id be at peace but well youve grown accustomed to my face this isnt a duet . sorry . ive grown accustomed to your fear accustomed to revenge accustomed to your face we shall meet again , old friend . but now i must steal away into the night . springfield . ah . the topic for your research paper will be world war i . was that the war with hitler or merlin . oh , you idiot . merlin was in vietnam . instead of writing a report , can i do a dance . sorry . may i type my report . itll be easier on teachers eyes . yes . in fact , why doesnt everyone type their paper . great idea , martin . can the paper be pages minimum . well , i was gonna say five , but okay . thanks again , martin . martin . hes gone now . but you gotta admire his spirit . all right , seymour . im ready for our romantic apple picking trip . yes . about that . mothers neck wattle got caught in a zipper . ive , uh , got a long night of boo boo kissing ahead of me . but dont worry , i got you these store bought apples instead . the apples werent the point . then why were we going apple picking . okay . time to start this paper . world war i . w w . uh , thats a good start . time to watch wrestling . i cant believe it . uncle slam has defeated osama bin rotten , wow . here comes secretary of hate , colin kapow . hes dropping sanctions . unh . by which i mean anvils . okay , gotta focus , gotta focus . gotta look at that bird . gotta focus . damn it . why did i pay for a hundred xeroxes when i only wanted one . well , i guess someone else will use the other . oh . prank or study . prank or study . what should i do , lord . give me a sign . now , if everyone would open your prayer books the burning is love . russia , great britain and france had formed an entente cordiale oh , algebra . ill just do a few equations . no . no more distractions . hey , bart , wanna go for a ride in my uncles black hawk helicopter . but i just started my paper . its your last chance . hes probably gonna get court martialed for this . black hawk up . attention , teenage boys . take your hands off my daughter . now , kiss each other . grampa , quick . tell me everything you know about world war i . world war i . i fought in that . of course , to enlist , i had to lie about my age . wanna see my picture i drew . lieutenant simpson , youve been up for hours . take a nap . youre no good to us cranky . but im not tired . oh , this is great stuff . i can pad it out to pages . good night , grampa . but im not tired . good night , sleepyhead . do you have to poop . always . f . there must be some mistake . its as long as you asked for . counting six pages of ads . youre gonna have to redo your paper . well , if i may dust off an old chestnut ay caramba . ay caramba indeed . and so on november th , the guns fell silent and peace returned . the end . very good , bart . oh , i must have the wrong classroom . i was looking for my girlfriend , not pam dawber . are you ready for a little after school special . eyes front , simpson . hello . mother . ill be right there . now she wants to get out of the tub . youve got to stop putting your mother ahead of me . we have a date . ill be back in three hours . maybe less . but almost certainly more . hes a wiener , mrs . k . just say the word and his desk is full of boogers . thats sweet of you . but if i lost seymour , who else is there . i believe in miracles where you from you sexy thing . sexy thing , you i believe okay . theres a lot of low cards in that hand . since were both free , why dont you and me hit the town . a pity date from a year old . ill take it . from the widest gully to the deepest trench holes define who we are and where we are going . and although rover here may not know it he is participating in a ritual as old as time itself . he is giving birth to a hole . or consider the dolphin , natures most filmed creature . even they have holes . blowholes . thanks for going out with me tonight . it really took my mind off stupid jerks and their mothers . and did you know the holes only natural enemy is the pile . i cant believe you went to the movies with the teacher . what happened to the bart simpson who put the mothballs in the beef stew . i only hung out with krabappel because skinner blew her off . ive never seen her so sad . you know what made me feel better about myself . that award i got for worlds greatest dad . dad , you bought that because it was full of gummy worms . and you only wanted those as bait to catch gummy fish . which i did . mm , trophy . hey , bart , you could nominate mrs . krabappel for an actual award the teacher of the year . then shell feel appreciated . they have an award for teaching . hey , they have latin grammys . it is so hard to choose nominees from all these qualified candidates . this is the most difficult one day job in the world . put in the next tape . i use humor to reach my students . dead poets society has destroyed a generation of educators . and so president kennedy says to khrushchev well , enough jawing . reach for it , pilgrim . and the missiles are like , oh , praise jesus . can i hear an amen . hey , macarena next . id like to nominate my teacher mrs . krabappel . she may not be glamorous or entertaining shes just a real teacher who comes in every day no matter what . and she never gave up on me , bart simpson . the bart simpson . i thought he was an urban legend . if shes danced with the devil in the blue shorts and lived we have ourselves a nominee . mm hm . oh , lord , its only wednesday . i hope one of those little hoods puts a tack on my chair just so i can feel something . whats going on . edna krabappel youve been nominated for teacher of the year . oh , my god . ha , youre a crying . nelson muntz , youve been nominated for bully of the year . thank you so much . wedgie . unh . how does it feel to be nominated for teacher of the year . i cant believe it . this after i accidentally showed the r rated romeo and juliet . i thought that nipple would haunt me forever . oh , . reporter cletus , outhouse times picayune . is there any persons , critters or spells to which you attribute this accolade . theres one person id like to thank for this . mm hm . weve had our ups and downs , but i cant imagine life without him . bart simpson . way to go , bart . i cant express how i feel in words , so i drew this picture . these stink lines stand for dedication , caring and for letting me drink coffee in class . way to go , edna . yes , . way to go . oh , . follow up query . mrs . k , if you win this here learning derby will you forget your kith and kin and leave us all forever . leave us forever . id better pee on this fire . as principal , id just like to say a few words about what this wonderful woman means to this school and to me . websters dictionary defines mrs . krabappel as excuse me . i have an emergency page from mother . this press conference is over . so because i nominated mrs . k our whole family gets a free trip to the awards ceremony in orlando . orlando . are we going to seaworld . no . disney world . uh uh . universal studios . afraid not . leisure world . sorry , grampa . gator gulch . you wish . leisure world . grampa , youre not even going . wait a minute . i know where were going . oh , its horrible . oh , its even boring to fly over it . oh , god . its so exciting . im meeting my peers . oh , the future sphere . its what people in imagined what life would be like in . eastern airlines presents the world of tomorrow . dont walk , fly in your personal eastern airlines air buggy . and say goodbye to the cola wars . the victor , eastern airlines cola . and were not stopping there . because at eastern airlines , world conquest is part of our master plan . now , enjoy the soothing music of the turtles . its nice and cool in here , dont you think . welcome to the electric car of the future sponsored by the gasoline producers of america . hello . im an electric car . i cant go very fast or very far . and if you drive me , people will think youre gay . one of us . one of us . willie , youre no stranger to the inner workings of the female mind . aye . willies sent many a vermont teddy bear . well , im a little worried that , uh , with all this attention edna may meet someone better . damn straight she will , you brunch eating popinjay . your womans in orlando , man . you cant take two steps there without falling into a tunnel of love . oh , ive been a fool . ive gotta go after her . take me car . unh . make sure you fill it up with techron gas . you dont want a case of the knocks . wow , this restaurant is so international . le pizza , der hamburger , seor grilled cheese . i hope i dont accidentally order an elephant . what happened to you two . ew . lets go make some fireworks of our own . i get to tamp the powder . i wouldnt have it any other way . oh , i wish i had someone to share this with . edna krabappel , please report to the principals arms . oh , you came . ha . i took a personal day . seymour . bring me some ice . my fanny is baboon red after that car ride . ow . mother , we were sharing an open mouthed kiss . you brought your mother . well , technically , since shes paying for the room , she brought me . i am tired of sharing you with your mother . this woman carried me for nine and months . i was out for two weeks and then went back in . ugh . hey , skinner . you and edna wanna join marge and me at great moments with mr . eisner . i believe the only venue for me is the ride of broken dreams . oh , you mean the enron ride . lets go . were all gonna be rich . we broke even . mm , thats good satire . mom , is that principal skinner sleeping in the bed of tomorrow . rise and shine , sleepyhead . youll be late for the next rocket to the moon . hes never going to get up . hes got no legs . what are you doing here . oh , well , since edna dumped me ive been wandering around this park all night . its educational and offers mild thrills . just like edna . now before the show , youll need to take urine tests to prove youre not taking teaching enhancing drugs . you cant test whats not there . were also pleased to announce that our winner will receive enough money so theyll never have to teach again . good lord . i may lose edna forever . ive gotta stop her from winning . then shell be broken , miserable and mine . dont look back . just keep driving . seymour . glad youre here . you can help me play halloween hit and run . oh , this game is gonna get some disapproving clucks . but for now , i need my tongue to talk to you . i dont wanna lose edna so i need you to sabotage her chances of winning tonight . but i dont wanna hurt mrs . k . all right , bart . i didnt wanna resort to this , but this drawing was found on the wall of springfield elementary last week . all right , im in . ill humiliate the love of your life . because i like you , ill even do it pro boner . its pro bono . i know what i said . oh , this is the worst thing ive ever done . even worse than what i did in nam . youre gonna get your parade , down my esophagus . so many categories . gym teacher of the year , substitute teacher of the year most wheelchair accessible school award . oh , who will take home the rampy . and now , to present our final award for teacher of the year , little richard . i love teachers . in fact , im a teacher . i taught paul mccartney to go whoo . purple rain . shut up . michael jackson just told me to shut up . were down to our last three teachers , folks . and the winner will be decided by one final question asked by the students who nominated them . i feel terrible . but this is the only way i can win edna without upsetting mother . he has the tiny hands of a chimp . and now , bart simpson will ask a question to his teacher . wha what woul . hurry up , son . im sorry . i cant read . mrs . krabappel never taught me to read . is this true , edna . oh , god . ive created a prankenstein . wait . that boy is lying . hes not illiterate . and hes good around the potty too . im sorry , everyone . i perpetrated this charade . hmph . the boy can read . edna krabappel is the greatest teacher ive ever known . if she can teach me to love , then she can teach anything . aw . seymour . your feelings are ugly and wrong . are you gonna listen to her . not on your life , reverend . from now on , im my own man . i have waited to hear that for so long . and it gets better . edna krabappel , will you marry me . oh . now , i must warn you , two months salary only bought me the ring box . oh , here , honey . take one of mine . whoo . oh . i felt naked there for a minute . seymour , of course ill marry you . oh , great . three in a bed . since the show is running long , well just name a winner . edna . edna . julio estudiante an inner city math teacher who taught teenage gang members that differential equations are more powerful than bullets . what a rip . you all should be ashamed . well , i didnt win teacher of the year . but i didnt go home empty handed . do you wanna check out the bed of tomorrow today . oh , seymour . i love happy endings . well , heres ours . were going to disney world . step away from the wall . step away from the wall . oh , its so beautiful . one churro , please . thatll be . here . boy , those pies look good . open your gullet , you human blob . well , what do you think . what do i think of the pie . what do i think of the pie . goodness gracious its delicious thats what i think of the pie because should we follow him . im on vacation . shh . springfieldspringfield . co . ukviewepisodescripts . php . tv showthe . springfield . ah . the topic for your research paper will be world war i . was that the war with hitler or merlin . oh , you idiot . merlin was in vietnam . instead of writing a report , can i do a dance . sorry . may i type my report . itll be easier on teachers eyes . yes . in fact , why doesnt everyone type their paper . great idea , martin . can the paper be pages minimum . well , i was gonna say five , but okay . thanks again , martin . martin . hes gone now . but you gotta admire his spirit . all right , seymour . im ready for our romantic apple picking trip . yes . about that . mothers neck wattle got caught in a zipper . ive , uh , got a long night of boo boo kissing ahead of me . but dont worry , i got you these store bought apples instead . the apples werent the point . then why were we going apple picking . okay . time to start this paper . world war i . w w . uh , thats a good start . time to watch wrestling . i cant believe it . uncle slam has defeated osama bin rotten , wow . here comes secretary of hate , colin kapow . hes dropping sanctions . unh . by which i mean anvils . okay , gotta focus , gotta focus . gotta look at that bird . gotta focus . damn it . why did i pay for a hundred xeroxes when i only wanted one . well , i guess someone else will use the other . oh . prank or study . prank or study . what should i do , lord . give me a sign . now , if everyone would open your prayer books the burning is love . russia , great britain and france had formed an entente cordiale oh , algebra . ill just do a few equations . no . no more distractions . hey , bart , wanna go for a ride in my uncles black hawk helicopter . but i just started my paper . its your last chance . hes probably gonna get court martialed for this . black hawk up . attention , teenage boys . take your hands off my daughter . now , kiss each other . grampa , quick . tell me everything you know about world war i . world war i . i fought in that . of course , to enlist , i had to lie about my age . wanna see my picture i drew . lieutenant simpson , youve been up for hours . take a nap . youre no good to us cranky . but im not tired . oh , this is great stuff . i can pad it out to pages . good night , grampa . but im not tired . good night , sleepyhead . do you have to poop . always . f . there must be some mistake . its as long as you asked for . counting six pages of ads . youre gonna have to redo your paper . well , if i may dust off an old chestnut ay caramba . ay caramba indeed . and so on november th , the guns fell silent and peace returned . the end . very good , bart . oh , i must have the wrong classroom . i was looking for my girlfriend , not pam dawber . are you ready for a little after school special . eyes front , simpson . hello . mother . ill be right there . now she wants to get out of the tub . youve got to stop putting your mother ahead of me . we have a date . ill be back in three hours . maybe less . but almost certainly more . hes a wiener , mrs . k . just say the word and his desk is full of boogers . thats sweet of you . but if i lost seymour , who else is there . i believe in miracles where you from you sexy thing . sexy thing , you i believe okay . theres a lot of low cards in that hand . since were both free , why dont you and me hit the town . a pity date from a year old . ill take it . from the widest gully to the deepest trench holes define who we are and where we are going . and although rover here may not know it he is participating in a ritual as old as time itself . he is giving birth to a hole . or consider the dolphin , natures most filmed creature . even they have holes . blowholes . thanks for going out with me tonight . it really took my mind off stupid jerks and their mothers . and did you know the holes only natural enemy is the pile . i cant believe you went to the movies with the teacher . what happened to the bart simpson who put the mothballs in the beef stew . i only hung out with krabappel because skinner blew her off . ive never seen her so sad . you know what made me feel better about myself . that award i got for worlds greatest dad . dad , you bought that because it was full of gummy worms . and you only wanted those as bait to catch gummy fish . which i did . mm , trophy . hey , bart , you could nominate mrs . krabappel for an actual award the teacher of the year . then shell feel appreciated . they have an award for teaching . hey , they have latin grammys . it is so hard to choose nominees from all these qualified candidates . this is the most difficult one day job in the world . put in the next tape . i use humor to reach my students . dead poets society has destroyed a generation of educators . and so president kennedy says to khrushchev well , enough jawing . reach for it , pilgrim . and the missiles are like , oh , praise jesus . can i hear an amen . hey , macarena next . id like to nominate my teacher mrs . krabappel . she may not be glamorous or entertaining shes just a real teacher who comes in every day no matter what . and she never gave up on me , bart simpson . the bart simpson . i thought he was an urban legend . if shes danced with the devil in the blue shorts and lived we have ourselves a nominee . mm hm . oh , lord , its only wednesday . i hope one of those little hoods puts a tack on my chair just so i can feel something . whats going on . edna krabappel youve been nominated for teacher of the year . oh , my god . ha , youre a crying . nelson muntz , youve been nominated for bully of the year . thank you so much . wedgie . unh . how does it feel to be nominated for teacher of the year . i cant believe it . this after i accidentally showed the r rated romeo and juliet . i thought that nipple would haunt me forever . oh , . reporter cletus , outhouse times picayune . is there any persons , critters or spells to which you attribute this accolade . theres one person id like to thank for this . mm hm . weve had our ups and downs , but i cant imagine life without him . bart simpson . way to go , bart . i cant express how i feel in words , so i drew this picture . these stink lines stand for dedication , caring and for letting me drink coffee in class . way to go , edna . yes , . way to go . oh , . follow up query . mrs . k , if you win this here learning derby will you forget your kith and kin and leave us all forever . leave us forever . id better pee on this fire . as principal , id just like to say a few words about what this wonderful woman means to this school and to me . websters dictionary defines mrs . krabappel as excuse me . i have an emergency page from mother . this press conference is over . so because i nominated mrs . k our whole family gets a free trip to the awards ceremony in orlando . orlando . are we going to seaworld . no . disney world . uh uh . universal studios . afraid not . leisure world . sorry , grampa . gator gulch . you wish . leisure world . grampa , youre not even going . wait a minute . i know where were going . oh , its horrible . oh , its even boring to fly over it . oh , god . its so exciting . im meeting my peers . oh , the future sphere . its what people in imagined what life would be like in . eastern airlines presents the world of tomorrow . dont walk , fly in your personal eastern airlines air buggy . and say goodbye to the cola wars . the victor , eastern airlines cola . and were not stopping there . because at eastern airlines , world conquest is part of our master plan . now , enjoy the soothing music of the turtles . its nice and cool in here , dont you think . welcome to the electric car of the future sponsored by the gasoline producers of america . hello . im an electric car . i cant go very fast or very far . and if you drive me , people will think youre gay . one of us . one of us . willie , youre no stranger to the inner workings of the female mind . aye . willies sent many a vermont teddy bear . well , im a little worried that , uh , with all this attention edna may meet someone better . damn straight she will , you brunch eating popinjay . your womans in orlando , man . you cant take two steps there without falling into a tunnel of love . oh , ive been a fool . ive gotta go after her . take me car . unh . make sure you fill it up with techron gas . you dont want a case of the knocks . wow , this restaurant is so international . le pizza , der hamburger , seor grilled cheese . i hope i dont accidentally order an elephant . what happened to you two . ew . lets go make some fireworks of our own . i get to tamp the powder . i wouldnt have it any other way . oh , i wish i had someone to share this with . edna krabappel , please report to the principals arms . oh , you came . ha . i took a personal day . seymour . bring me some ice . my fanny is baboon red after that car ride . ow . mother , we were sharing an open mouthed kiss . you brought your mother . well , technically , since shes paying for the room , she brought me . i am tired of sharing you with your mother . this woman carried me for nine and months . i was out for two weeks and then went back in . ugh . hey , skinner . you and edna wanna join marge and me at great moments with mr . eisner . i believe the only venue for me is the ride of broken dreams . oh , you mean the enron ride . lets go . were all gonna be rich . we broke even . mm , thats good satire . mom , is that principal skinner sleeping in the bed of tomorrow . rise and shine , sleepyhead . youll be late for the next rocket to the moon . hes never going to get up . hes got no legs . what are you doing here . oh , well , since edna dumped me ive been wandering around this park all night . its educational and offers mild thrills . just like edna . now before the show , youll need to take urine tests to prove youre not taking teaching enhancing drugs . you cant test whats not there . were also pleased to announce that our winner will receive enough money so theyll never have to teach again . good lord . i may lose edna forever . ive gotta stop her from winning . then shell be broken , miserable and mine . dont look back . just keep driving . seymour . glad youre here . you can help me play halloween hit and run . oh , this game is gonna get some disapproving clucks . but for now , i need my tongue to talk to you . i dont wanna lose edna so i need you to sabotage her chances of winning tonight . but i dont wanna hurt mrs . k . all right , bart . i didnt wanna resort to this , but this drawing was found on the wall of springfield elementary last week . all right , im in . ill humiliate the love of your life . because i like you , ill even do it pro boner . its pro bono . i know what i said . oh , this is the worst thing ive ever done . even worse than what i did in nam . youre gonna get your parade , down my esophagus . so many categories . gym teacher of the year , substitute teacher of the year most wheelchair accessible school award . oh , who will take home the rampy . and now , to present our final award for teacher of the year , little richard . i love teachers . in fact , im a teacher . i taught paul mccartney to go whoo . purple rain . shut up . michael jackson just told me to shut up . were down to our last three teachers , folks . and the winner will be decided by one final question asked by the students who nominated them . i feel terrible . but this is the only way i can win edna without upsetting mother . he has the tiny hands of a chimp . and now , bart simpson will ask a question to his teacher . wha what woul . hurry up , son . im sorry . i cant read . mrs . krabappel never taught me to read . is this true , edna . oh , god . ive created a prankenstein . wait . that boy is lying . hes not illiterate . and hes good around the potty too . im sorry , everyone . i perpetrated this charade . hmph . the boy can read . edna krabappel is the greatest teacher ive ever known . if she can teach me to love , then she can teach anything . aw . seymour . your feelings are ugly and wrong . are you gonna listen to her . not on your life , reverend . from now on , im my own man . i have waited to hear that for so long . and it gets better . edna krabappel , will you marry me . oh . now , i must warn you , two months salary only bought me the ring box . oh , here , honey . take one of mine . whoo . oh . i felt naked there for a minute . seymour , of course ill marry you . oh , great . three in a bed . since the show is running long , well just name a winner . edna . edna . julio estudiante an inner city math teacher who taught teenage gang members that differential equations are more powerful than bullets . what a rip . you all should be ashamed . well , i didnt win teacher of the year . but i didnt go home empty handed . do you wanna check out the bed of tomorrow today . oh , seymour . i love happy endings . well , heres ours . were going to disney world . step away from the wall . step away from the wall . oh , its so beautiful . one churro , please . thatll be . here . boy , those pies look good . open your gullet , you human blob . well , what do you think . what do i think of the pie . what do i think of the pie . goodness gracious its delicious thats what i think of the pie because should we follow him . im on vacation . shh . springfield . ah . welcome to another episode of padz where we go inside the mega mansions of todays hot young celebrities . this was today . the girl was supposed to call . oh , lets get this over with . heres the recliner where don adams and shelley winters made beautiful music together . it should be in a museum , but museums dont want it . and heres my pool . i dont swim , so thats where i throw my shrimp shells . krustofski . why , look , its my celebrity neighbor , elliott gould . your monkey bit my kid again . well , if he would stop wearing the banana suntan lotion say hello to bob , and carol . unh . aah . and ted and alice . unh . aah . oh , thats it , gould . and you keep your lousy dog off my lawn . dear diary i have a crush on kenny . ha . thats me . you would like me , loser . girls , dont let this happen to you . get the turbo diary from girltech . no one can read your secrets except you . unauthorized user . access denied . turbo diary , i love that i bought you . get your turbo diary from girltech . girltech is a division of boytech . hey , i could really use one of those . no arguments here . man , i come off like a jerk in this thing . mom , dad , my birthdays coming up and girltech turbo diaries are in stores now . lisa , nobody likes a shill . just buy me the frigging toy . ha ha . i love that little shill . lets get her that diary . i agree . a girl should have her own private diary . dad , you cant eat all those free samples . weve gotta get lisas present . watch and learn . more free samples . dad , you ate all the free samples . now youre eating mens slacks . eh , its still better than indian food . oh . one turbo diary , please . trying to keep those crushes secret , eh , romeo . its not for me . im not a girl like you . well played . oh . im sorry , sir , but i just sold the last turbo diary to that guy . finally , smithers a device worthy of storing my top secret enemies list . im ready , sir . number one , the kingston trio . ugh . number two unauthorized user . access denied . oh . now what am i gonna get lisa . sir , i can offer you this tickle me krusty the most popular toy of . im anatomically correct . go ahead , take a peek . i wonder what mommys medicine tastes like . lisas not gonna want that . oh , what can i get her . shop of the morning , homer . just call me mall flanders . what are you buying . jerk stuff . oh , you betcha . this kiosk sells personalized movies . i had one made starring little rod . kiosk productions presents an outer space adventure starring you . one day while flying your spaceship , you saw a planet and decided to land . greetings , i am commander rod . welcome , earthling . what are your hobbies . my hobbies include being quiet during trips , clapping with songs and diabetes . sounds like fun . lets party . hey , your kid is in the movie . and the movie knows his name . maybe lisa will like this better than the diary . stupid flanders , youre a genius . a laser pointer . thanks , bart . its really cool . you can point a red dot at peoples crotches from really far away . hmm . there appears to be a red dot on my trouser front . id better lower them . ah . the dot also appears to be on my underpants . well , down they go . hey , buddy . you better get that red dot checked out . my uncle died of crotch dot . okay , lisa , now open the present from your father and me . hmm , . i wonder what this could be . i think youll be pleasantly surprised . could it be some kind of book . well , yes and no . mostly no . wha . you were supposed to get her that stupid diary . but its a personalized video about my favorite little star , lisa simpson . well , this could be fun . lets watch it . howdy , partners . my name is sheriff lisa simpson . i sure am hungry for my favorite food mcnuggets . i dont like mcnuggets . im a vegetarian . still . then youre not gonna like your other present . its my best friend maggie . huh . bad news , sheriff lisa simpson . some indians took all the mcnuggets . mm , mcnuggets . ill get those no good indians just as sure as my favorite book is magazines . wake up , dad . eh what . dad , that information is all wrong . maggies a baby , not my best friend . you dont know anything about me . maggie , youre her best friend , go talk to her . oh , what have i done . children dont remember bad birthdays , do they . good morning , honey . did you cry out all your angries . i dont think so . oh , lisas still mad at me . im still mad at you for chopping up my skateboard with an ax . i did it for the insurance money . hmph . look , lisa , im still trying to get to know you . whos your favorite traveling wilbury . is it jeff lynne . dad , youve had eight years to get to know me . its too late . but im full of questions . whats your favorite cigar size . is it robusto . is it . gee , homer , you sure look sad . yeah , at least you aint aging six years for every one because of your cow heart . oh . my daughter hates me because i dont know anything about her . ah . well , whenever i gotta know something about a broad , i use this guy . this detective is unbelievable . he can learn more about a chick by digging through one garbage can than you could from years of intimacy . he found out who was cobbling shoes for me at night . turns out i have severe schizophrenia . well , if hiring this guy will make lisa like me again , then ill do it . can i get this beer to go . sure . maybe someday ill turn into a swan . oh , god . drunk cop . is that you . no . look lower . oh , pie . what can i do for you . my name is homer simpson . i desperately need your help . let me guess . its about a girl . how did you know . its always a dame . usually with gams that dont quit until they get to the shoes . and then theyre only napping . priceless . i need you to find out everything about my daughter so shell think im a good dad . okay . ill get a line on your kid . i charge bucks a day , plus expenses . anything to trick my daughter into liking me . now , if you need to reach me , my e mail is chunkyloveraol . chunky lover . its one word . one word . chunkylover . at aol . dot com . hey , thats not your locker . you know , you are the spitting image of the aberdeen strangler . moving on . i need to see lisa simpsons permanent record . im afraid that information is confidential . these are some nice looking papers on your desk . it would be a shame if somebody shuffled them . you wouldnt dare . oh , wouldnt i . pfft . i could easily put them back in their original order . oh , really . no . youre late , muntz . get bent , shamus . i got what youre looking for . nice . very nice . now give me back whats mine . ah . my picture with snow white . you know shes just an actress . shut up . some of us prefer illusion to despair . lisa simpson is a girl at my school . yes , you said that already . what else do you know . i once picked my nose till it bleeded . about lisa . lisa simpson is a girl at my school . someones already worked this guy over . ah , the information ive been waiting for . so far , so good . lisas pet peeve is phonies . i thought she loved them . huh . is that miles davis birth of the cool . you should know . it is your favorite album . so you know one thing about me . big deal . wait , . i thought you might like to go to an animal rights protest today . well , maybe . on the way home , we could get your favorite treat . ice cream . what do we want . the gradual phase out of animal testing over the next three years . when do we want it . over the next three years . uh , young lady , why are you protesting today . because this lab is cruelly testing consumer products on animals . take a look for yourself . theyre making monkeys smoke cigarettes . and look at the way theyve slathered those pigs with cosmetics . so sad , yet so sexy , yet so delicious . mm . dad , today was so great . the animal rights protest , a visit to the museum of sadness and oppression . well , we should get along . i mean , after all , i am your father . howd you think of such perfect things for us to do . did mom help you . mom . dont you think i could read the report by myself . what report . the uh well , uh , report is a daddy word that means loves his daughter . you read the loves his daughter by yourself . thats right , honey . you did it . lisa thinks im the greatest . i might even put you to work on bart and maggie . go super dad on all their asses . i believe theres still the matter of my expenses . oh , yes . well , lets take a look and see a thousand dollars . how did you spend a thousand dollars . its itemized . a steak . but if id eaten the whole thing , it wouldve been free . youve been living like a king on my dollar . super unleaded gas . silver bullets . i was working under the theory that your daughter was a werewolf . didnt pan out . i cant believe a man who agreed to follow my daughter around for money would turn out to be a dirtbag . you better pay up , simpson . youll regret the day you crossed dexter colt . youll regret the day you went to the expensive coffee place . i think ill color him love color him love breaking news at the screaming monkey research labs where test animals have been freed by unknown activists . chief wiggum , uh , do you have a statement . uh , yes . yes , i do , kent . this is a horrible crime . one that ha , . cut it out , lou . i hes making funny faces . sorry , chief . one of these monkeys has the same name as my ex wife . chief , do you have any suspects at this time . well , we do have several promising clues . uh , lets see . theres a malibu stacy scrunchie a saxophone reed and a book report on the secret garden by lisa simpson . what does this tell you . well , apparently , theres a secret garden in all of us . and that lisa simpson is guilty . i was framed . you believe me , dont you , dad . of course i do . its all my fault for refusing to pay attention to you , my sweet little father loving pile of forgiveness . yes . can lisa come out with her hands up . chief wiggum , my daughter is innocent until proven guilty . would an innocent person flee . no , really . tell me . i honestly dont know . chief , no . even i knew that . yeah , im not im not good . ha , . theyre trapped . oh , damn it . i cant stop worrying about homer and lisa . oh , mom . thisll take your mind off them . unh . oh , thank you , sweetie . police are looking for a bald man in blue pants and a fair haired girl in a red lampshade . blackening our hair was a great idea , dad . i look just like a powerpuff girl . i look just like elvis . names , please . lady penelope ariel ponyweather . uh , rock strongo . your real name . uh , lance uppercut . thank you . sign here , mr . uppercut . let me just put on my glasses . youre charging how much for a room . hello . hello . this is a phone survey . if the election were held today would you vote for a , the cops are there or b , youre free to talk . uh , a . and id like to add that proposition hug lisa for me has my full support . oh , marge . youre not getting it . its me , homer simpson . we got a location , chief . good work , lou . well leave right after dinner . lisa , this is from your mom . aw . life on the lam is really hard . but at least its with you , dad . i feel terrible for putting you through this after what a wonderful father youve been . oh . lisa , i cant lie to you any longer . this is all my fault . im the worst dad in the world . what . why . the man who framed you is a crooked detective who i hired . why did you do that . to find out everything about you so id seem like a good father . how could you . well , all the childless drunks at moes thought it was a great idea . lets just get some sleep . all right , simpsons , the jig is up . we know youre in there . okay . im coming right out the door . damn it . these windows are so hard to squeeze through . cheer up , honey . were living an all natural existence , the kind you like . oh , a trash can . well find breakfast in here . i dont wanna eat from the trash . oh , a banana . what the . its full of cigarette butts . so is this one . they mustve come from over there . those are the test animals . the detective mustve sold them to the circus . well just tell the police and then im back to being plain old rock strongo . youre not telling nobody nothing . make one move and youll get a belly full of the flying giuseppe . how you doing . dexter colt , the man who framed my daughter . you shouldve paid the expenses . in retrospect , yes . oh . i think that fixed my back . oh , no , . its much worse . ill just hide here . now what are you gonna do . you cant shoot all of us . damn it . you know , simpson , from the moment you walked into my office i had a feeling id kill you in a hall of mirrors . dad . are you in here . how did she find us . oh , lisa has excellent hearing . once when she was i was quietly sobbing in the closet and she found me . oh , dad , you do remember something about me . perhaps you also remember this laser bart gave me earlier . i cant see . how ironic . now , hes blind after a life of enjoying being able to see . well , it wasnt easy , honey . but im glad you love me again . yeah . but whats gonna happen to the animals . dont worry , honey . they released them all into the wild . cletus , if i find pig lipstick on your collar again im not gonna let you sleep in the sty no more . duly noted . hey , dad . will you read me a story . why certainly , son . just hand me that book you got there . unauthorized user . access denied . shh . springfield . ah . hello , im kent brockman , and this is eye on springfield . im here with actor rainier wolfcastle who surprisingly has filed for bankruptcy . rainier , what went wrong . three divorces in three months . what can i say , kent . im a romantic . but this personal tragedy translates into a good old fashioned bankruptcy sale . yeah . everything must go . even the painting of my nana . this was done on her wedding day . or should i say deading day . how the mighty have fallen into my price range . i wanna go there . dad , we are there . woo hoo . oh , rainier , i really dont think its right to sell these playdude centerfolds . zip it , holy joe . are you taking us to another mansion . uh , yeah . uh , miss september youre gonna have to get in the trunk . oh . whoa , a sword cane . everything here is sword . sword baseball bat , sword rifle , sword pineapple sword sharpener , sword pie . its hey , what happened to the sword pie . what do i do now . hey , look , a cyborg hand . this could really come in useful . well , look whos gone hollywood . oh . eh , mm , eh . do you need some assistance picking over the tattered remains of my life . nope , im good . hey , your early porno movies . oh , wait , are any of these hetero . whats there is there . you got any junk that will go up in value after you die . right this way . my first weight set . they know you are talking about them . ill take it . whos up for coconut oil . theres no way this junk is gonna fit in that car . dont worry . this is what all those hours of playing tetris were for . no . huh . perfect . but theres no room for you . doh . do you think you could give me a lift . sure . ill carry you in this giant snugli . i used it to carry rob schneider in the movie my baby is an ugly man . hmm . oh . your heartbeat is so soothing . shh . time for sleep , little fatso . oh . ew . mom , i think maggie fudged her huggies . bart , dont say it like that . youll hurt her feelings . jeez , louise . how did you turn cinnamon applesauce into that . dont try to pin this on me , sister . sorry , emergency . hello , mrs . homer . apu , wheres your bathroom . the bathroom is not for customers . please use the crack house . aah . that is the most pungent thing ive ever smelled and i am from india . all right , all right , but speak of this to no one . dont worry . that sign is just a ruse , like all high voltage signs . theres a happy baby . arent you . arent you . give me your purse . oh , god , oh , god , oh , god . shut up . its not a purse . its a diaper bag . what . it looks like a purse , thats why i bought it . but its really a shut up . fine . ill just take this . come on , mom , lets go . mom , are you okay . its all my fault my wife got mugged . there you have it , boys . case closed . look , this really made me feel vulnerable . i wanna know how soon you think youll catch this guy . dont worry , marge , i swear to you ill put my best man on it . hmm . oh , boy , is this awkward . wait , marge . i dont want you to leave the house without this . emergency whistle , pepper spray and this map of the most vulnerable parts of a mans body . why is it ned flanders . oh , like , im gonna kick chief wiggum in the groin . okay , marge , you can do this . youve done it a thousand times before . hi , mrs . simpson . aah . oh , no . i pepper sprayed ralph . even my boogers are spicy . sorry . lets go home . theres nothing dangerous there except for the electrical wiring . mom , you didnt get the milk . and you parked on top of the mailman . its okay . all part of the job . can you believe i get paid to wear short pants . oh , im sorry . ill come right out and help you . i gave your necklace to my cheap girlfriend . i just throw it in a drawer at night . no , itll tangle . sorry , i cant go outside . ill call for help . no hurry , i got plenty to read . oh , twilight zone magazine . it oh , no , my glasses are broken . marge , im afraid youve developed agoraphobia a fear of leaving the home . i recommend watching this lifetime channel movie . its called the woman who died in her home . oh , my god . isnt there anything i can do . marge , i suggest you slowly desensitize yourself to the fear of going outside . create controlled situations where you can leave without pain or panic . what if i cant feel comfortable outside again . i hope you like throwing dinner parties . i do . no one wants to eat dinner at a crazy ladys house . get real . dont worry , mom . this first time well only take a few steps outside . all right , just to the mailbox and back . now , dr . hibbert said to use a number from one to to describe how anxious you are . two , three , two dont worry . everything is fine . what the hell is that . eight . dad , its just a bug . two not just a bug . its the queen of something . ten , . dont worry . ill set fire to the hive . twelve . fifteen . seven hundred and three . run . oh , my goodness . it looks just like the kwik e . yup , but youre still safe at home . after a few practice trips here the real kwik e will be a piece of cake . now , bart will play apu . mm hm . im a magazine rack . look , im the first to admit it . i dont write good parts for women . im a robber . aah . help . all this does is shoot bubbles . silly string . kids , ill find your mother . dad , were canceling the rest of the play . what play . what the hell is he talking about . marge . im gonna sleep down here tonight . listen , kids . your mom is going to be living in the basement . but with our love , shell get better soon . what if she doesnt . well have to smoke her out . and may the peace of god be with you . amen . amen . over . breaker , bartman to shut in . the big guys asleep . please advise . over . whack him with the hymnal . over . i roger that big time . doh . why , you little oh , ha , hi , jesus . i was just wow , honey , eating dinner downstairs is great . isnt it , kids . the air hockey table makes passing the carrots a breeze . bart , eat your spinach , unh . no way , unh . yes way . stop it , please . im trying to eat . and all those feet going by the window are really creeping me out . its like were at cheers . i loved that show because you always knew it was only a half hour till wings . then you could just sleep till monday . bye , mom . im sending the cat up with your lunches . goodbye , kids . what to do now . too crazy to go outside . not crazy enough to have imaginary friends . why did homer buy those . no ones ever gonna use them . hmm . three , four and five eggs . ladies , feel that burn . if you dont , the ovens not on . ten , . i can bench twice as much as when i started . and look at my abs . mom . im married to joey heatherton . oh , you know what would zest up this hollandaise . a lemon . dad , do you plan to get in shape . no . actually , im gonna eat twice as much . excellent . uh , guys , mom just left the basement . shes in the backyard . i got all the way out to the tree before i realized id left the house . im stronger than ive ever been . i dont have to go back inside . im not afraid . all right , mom . yay , mom . woo hoo . woo hoo . im not afraid . ned , im not afraid . well , arent you a super duper recouper . grampa , im not afraid . then youre not paying close enough attention . you . what you been up to . living in fear . not anymore . youve just been marge inalized . marge , that was amazing . its like im married to shaft . chief , i think thats the guy who mugged her . yeah . she caught her own criminal unlike the rest of you lazy bones . youre not gonna find those criminals looking at your feet , people . marge simpson . its ruth . ruth powers . ruth powers . my old neighbor . oh , my goodness . look at you . i got this body in prison . i was miss mexican mafia three years in a row . wow . you know , another inches on your neck and youd look pretty hot . ever thought of competing . i dont have those kind of muscles . well , you could if you use these . steroids . i cant take drugs . i have many anti drug bumper stickers id be making a liar out of my tailgate . steroids arent drugs . they occur naturally in the body like sweat or tumors . but arent there side effects . yes . their main side effect is greatness . but if youd rather be weak and helpless no , . i feel good with no repercussions . a little of this , a little of that . bulkanoids for my lats , miso max for my delts and estrogen blockers for that minty taste . whoa . hurry up , kids , youll miss the bus . wait , otto , come back . not so fast , bus boy . man , what am i smoking . oh , yeah , pot . thanks , mom . bye , kids . bye bye . ha , your mom changed . hey , hot stuff . ive got a competition tomorrow . i could use a good luck snuggle . id rather talk about our feelings . i feel that illegal performance enhancing drugs are too common these days . rebuttal . lets do it . uh , listen , my bulky flower i have an early day tomorrow i wasnt asking . kids , i made your lunches . theyre on the table . huh . why didnt mom make our lunch . your mom has a lot of stuff to shave . ow . ow . ow . ow . now , lets meet the ladies who our doctors assure us are women . the iron maidens . ay caramba . im off women forever . support the arts . yeah , thats rad , thats rad , yeah . this is the cheapest vacation youve ever taken me on . the man who shot liberty valance he shot liberty valance he was the bravest of them all nice lady . in second place , marge simpson . all right . yeah . yeah . second place . oh , man , this will just encourage her . im tired of her criticizing my saggy glutes . quiet . her muscular ears can hear us . so then i popped my delts , clench and bam . not a dry eye in the house . im so proud of you , honey . you bulked up but managed to keep your femininity . and thats why i didnt win . sorry , sir . sorry . starting tomorrow , im gonna up my glyco load use a denser ripping gel denser . damn straight . i didnt sacrifice my period for second place . i hear that . uh , listen , marge um , how can i put this delicately . i dont got enough booze in this place to make you look good . maybe death will stop your yammering . marge , easy . ah . oh . everyone pile on homers wife . huh . huh . huh . disco stu should have disco ducked . ow . marge . somewhere in that sea of bull hormones is the sweet , wonderful girl i married . the woman who instead of swatting a fly will give it a bath and send it on its way . id sure like to go home and have jiffy pop with her . oh , my gosh . youre right . steroids have turned me into everything i hate . lets go home , sweetie . club soda will get that blood out . well , theres only one way to recoup my losses . whoa , moe , wait a minute . dont you have to buy insurance first . oh , crap . you know , i really do miss being a lady . and i miss being your knight in flabby armor . oh , homie . ready for a real workout , marge . mm hm . good . can you wax the car . ow . ow . ow . im kidding . im kidding . shh . springfield . ah . dad , its so enlightened of you to take us to a wnba game . yeah . well , nachos are nachos . over here . over here . whoa , check out janeane giraffalo . thats fung pang li, , the sensation from szechwan . szechwan , eh . no wonder shes so spicy . bart , youre a little young to be growling at chinese ladies . fine . ill go back to being bored . wow , i wonder what it would be like to be with a woman like that . woo . mm far fetched ha , . look , thats lisa leslie . she showed little girls everywhere that they can grow up to be . lisa leslie , you got game . i think you mean i have game . try to speak correctly . you go , girl . yes , i will depart lest your bad grammar rub off on me . now , heres something for the men to dribble over . our mascot , swish . oh , i can see her logo and everything . oh , heh . ha , . hey , come back . hey , i love you . hey . oh . huh . aw . oh , darn it . swish was everything im not . put the head back on . and now its time for our half court shot . the winning fan is in section a . yes . row . yes . seat . woo hoo . huh . praise the lord . my seat has scored . dad , this ticket is for tomorrows wnfl game . the cowgirls versus the she gles . heh . no love lost there . unh . thanks for supporting the wnba , sir . you betcha . its a nice break from the male sports i usually watch . rhythmic gymnastics , extreme choir . just hurry up and miss . lord , make my shot straight and true . huh . huh . huh . cant we just pretend youre really a girl . well , for how long . for the rest of our lives . doh . gosh , . im donating this whole check to bibles for belgians . im the owner of this here team . i wanna reward your generous attitude with this check for a hundred thousand dollars . im crazy as a crap house rat for philanthropy . hee haw . hee haw . im sorry , sir . your car is still blocked in . well , heh , i guess flanders doesnt have all the luck . so well let you drive home in the wienermobile . well , hot dog . yay . that cuts the mustard with me . oh , its not fair . i always wanted to drive a food shaped car . heh , the steering wheel is a giant onion ring . they thought of everything . how come all the good things happen to jesus h . nice . by which i mean flanders . doh . huh . doh . huh . doh . huh . doh . doh . doh . doh . what are you doing . the grass is actually greener on flanders side . thats because you keep passing out on our lawn . no , thats not it . hes got some secret . and im gonna find out what it is , no matter what it takes . flanders , whats your secret . you never get arrested , dont buy clothes at mister blob and look at your beautiful lawn . it sickens me . well , heh , whatever ive got , i owe to hard work , honest living and flossing my teeth , tail and toes . plus a prayer now and then . so thats all it takes . a little prayer . and now ken burns . a documentary by ken burns about the life of ken burns . ew . wheres the remote . ever since he was a young man ken burns has loved two things . baseball and jazz . they so consumed my life i never had time for a proper haircut . well , if i dont have the remote i can just get up and change the channel . wait a minute . ill do what flanders does . oh , merciful god who has blessed mankind with two kinds of clam chowder help me find the remote . there it is . ive never actually been to a baseball game . the fresh air gives me hives . die monster . youre watching monkey olympics on fox . it worked . i got my wish . from now on , ill pray till my hands are chapped and bleeding .  .  .  .  .  .  . oh , low marks . ive never seen noodles this mad . shes throwing her diaper at the judges . oh , lord . please guide that diaper into someones schnoz . ah , yes . hmm . vengeful god , loving god . vengeful god , loving god . vengeful god , loving god . vengeful god , loving god . ha , . i could do this all day and i just might . vengeful god , loving god . vengeful god , loving god . setting up a prayer station , eh , homer . i used to think god only helped professional athletes and grammy winners . but now i realize he helps shmoes like me too , carl . makes sense to me . oh , by the way , did you see the judging in the monkey figure skating . whose banana you gotta peel to get a .  . pfft . could not believe that . dear lord , as i think of you , dressed in white with your splendid beard i am reminded of colonel sanders who is now seated at your right hand shoveling popcorn chicken into thy mouth . lord , could you come up with a delicious new treat like he did . i command you . hey , watch it . oh , fudge . woo . mm move over , eggs . bacon just got a new best friend fudge . oh , heavenly god , my son is plagued with homework . with your vast knowledge of the shore birds of maryland i know you can help him . homer , god isnt some kind of holy concierge . you cant keep bugging him for every little thing . can and will . now , to unstop the sink . lord , please use your space age clog  busting powers on this stubborn drain then take some time off for yourself . fly to france , have dinner . ill just call a plumber . oh , lord , i see thou art working through thy imperfect vessel , marge for thou art most wise you know , most people pray silently . marge , hes way the hell up there . okay . hmm , im afraid ive got bad news . trees have gotten into your plumbing . how bad is it . your pipes have more roots than the list of all time top rated tv shows . oh , well , we could live with a stopped up drain . i dont think that moistures gonna do wonders for your drywall . and it aint in such great shape as it is . oh . oh . you was hiding behind the drywall . yes , you were . im glad social services didnt see this . yes , i am . oh , you coughed up some drywall . lord , this is a dire emergency . if you could fix my house or make a new house from one of my ribs . dad , are you hurt . i think my leg is broken . slip and fall . cant go back to work . im larry h . lawyer , junior . and i will fight for you . i also habla espaol . so thats your answer . ill sue the church . homer , we cant sue the church . theyll poke fun at us in the church bulletin . it wouldnt be the first time . i couldnt help it . those pews are so comfortable . you have rights . you deserve financial compensation . he got me . and i was driving drunk in a graveyard . now , youre my first client who actually is injured . according to this book , thats a big plus . homer , please dont sue the church . im asking you as your friend and neighbor . can i borrow your pen to sign this . okely dokely . why do i always give in to him . its his skull . its hypnotic . now , hearing homer simpson v . the first church of springfield . morning , judge . how is your lovely wife . she was run over by a clergyman . were very sorry for the victims injury . but as this tape demonstrates , mr . simpson is accident prone . i cant see anything in this fog . ow . ha , your honor , we the jury find that to be americas funniest home video . back to you , bob saget . this is a court of law . okey doke . we find for mr . simpson in the sum of million . woo hoo . can i get that in lottery tickets . well , your honor , we dont have that kind of money . were not a synagogue . in that case , i award mr . simpson the deed to the church . youre giving him the church . hes not giving it to me . god is because i prayed for it . dad , i think this might be the work of satan . its all good . homer , for the last time , please give the church back . that is gonna drive me nuts . look . this church is our only option . dont you kids wanna live here . anythings better than that dump we came from . and theres so many places to cloister myself . the dogs onboard too . aw , he thinks hes papal . well , the court has spoken , so here you go . you have to jiggle the handle . oh , and wednesday is garbage day . sweet . im so sorry , reverend . oh , its not so bad . well be staying with the flanders . and , rev , youll be bunking with me . oh , boy , does he ever i wanna lay it at your feet cause girl , i was made for you and , girl you were made for me oh , i love this song . i was made for loving you , baby you were made for loving me i cant get enough of you , baby theres people in community outreach center . well , just see about that . if it werent for alcoholics anonymous id still be sucking the juice out of glow sticks . oh , yeah . ive been there . i am so sorry for all your horrible problems . but this is our dogs room now . wherever shall we go . uh , you can come to my church . and what church might that be . saint pauli girls cathedral . oh , ive heard of them . yeah , okay . lets go there . homer , that was not very christian of you . youre right . ill make it up by throwing the bitchingest beer bash this church has ever seen . bless you . bless you . howre you doing . wow , homer , this is like a party dick clark would throw . yeah . fun , but not too fun . so wheres marge . uh , she went to lovejoys temporary church . shes worried about her immortal soul . he said to his disciples in your face , bestway linen supply . yeah , no mercy . roll that rock . in these times that test our faith the lord will be a holy shining light unto us all . sorry , padre . i didnt mean to embarrass you in front of the goyim . as i was saying , if we keep our hearts pure , we can dr . hibbert , must you play the claw machine . ill be right there . ive almost got me a kitty cat . i really enjoyed your sermon . particularly the part about the pin in the gutter on lane . ugh , that wasnt me . that was the manager . are you sure . because it really spoke to me . marge , its as plain as the bruise on my shin . theres no place for me here . where you going , reverend . the towns that way . reverend . youre going the wrong way . im sorry , ned . it looks like god has packed up and left springfield . ah , no . no , youre lying . youre lying . what makes you lie . good evening . springfield is grappling tonight with the departure of rev . timothy lovejoy , bible nut . how is our community coping with this spiritual vacuum . lets ask arnie pie in the sky . you wanna know what i see , kent . i see a slow news day with nothing to fill it . youre supposed to be filming people coping with the loss of their church . and how am i supposed to do that . do i have a magic lens that can see into peoples souls . well , yours would be black , kent . black as the ace of spades . homer , send these people home . this house warming partys been going on for two days . hey , you cant throw us out . i just made a cornish game hen with chestnut stuffing . would you believe a pigeon stuffed with spam . a rat filled with cough drops . theyve broken every commandment except one . hey , lenny , covet some more chili fries . thats it . the whole shebang . lord , this town may have turned its back on you , but not the flanders . wherever we are , youll have your church . are you with me , boys . speaking in tongues , what great kids . full house . jacks over twos . ha , read them and strip , barn . uh uh . slowly . make me forget my troubles . oh , i hate this game . look at all this . the great food , the party , the sunshine . pfft . hard to believe one god came up with all this . well , theres probably a lot of gods . yeah , and some of thems gotta be chicks . yeah , with , like , a thousand boobs . woo hoo . thats the god im gonna worship . well , theres only one god for me , your dads old hunting trophy . on dasher , on dancer . man , i must be wasted . homer , arent you afraid you might be . i dont know , incurring gods wrath . eh . gods cool . see , i dont know that he is . in the bible , hes always smiting and turning people into salt . oh , look . gods giving us a little shower . everybody , look at the much needed rain . thank you , god . now , turn the rainwater into wine . okay , boys . this is it . the end of this sinful little suburb . yay . let every evil lung fill . okay . i got two of every animal but only males . i dont want any hanky panky . hey , . cut that out . wet and wonderful god your flood has driven us to the roof of your church . surely this has proven whatever point you had . oh , gods ignoring me . dad , maybe you should stop praying . see if that makes it happy . this heretic has doomed us all . yeah . i say we skin him alive and set him on fire . yeah , thatll appease god . appease who now . whoa , lets get biblical . leave that man alone . its reverend lovejoy . let us pray . dear lord , please spare this sinful town . they were misled by a demon in blue pants . i guess i learned something here . god is capable of great anger and great mercy but mostly great anger . there are perfectly logical explanations for everything that happened . the bonfire sent soot into the air , which created rain . and with all the trees cut down , a flood was inevitable . yeah . but what made the rain stop . i dont know . buddha . hey , theyve suffered enough . keep that popcorn chicken coming , colonel . mm , . not bad . i think its about time for you to tell me whats in those spices . springfield . springfield . ah . mm . today , we honor three great americans . jazz legend ornette coleman . playwright arthur miller . yes . yes . ha , . and all around genius , lisa simpson . were not worthy . were not worthy . thank you , mr . cronkite . ah . she knows my name . ladies and gentlemen tonight , id like to harangue you about the plight of ugh . oh , mom , why did you wake me up . i dreamt i was at the kennedy center honors . well , heres another low rated annual event spring cleaning . come on . everyones helping . youve gotta get rid of those furbys . theyve turned feral . hmm . this is an interesting old book . oh . mad libs . hey , a box of old videotapes . marge and homer get dirty . hey , lis , think youre well adjusted . ive got something to show you . i cant believe you talked me into this . its such a mess . oh , watch the teeth . dont go telling your buddies at work about this . every tape is pumpkin carving . hey , whats this . bart sad . if i ever needed proof of the existence of god , here it is . balki , youre dancing in the toilet . what . you never heard of flush dance . ha , . perfect strangers will return after these commercials . what a beautiful baby . ah . what horrible breath . hes the baby whose mouth smells like death run for your life its baby stink breath oh , my god . thats me . this isnt bart sad . its barts ad . wait . i was in a commercial . i dont remember this at all . no more baby stink breath . thanks to the baby so fresh tri patch system . not safe for babies under . youre baby stink breath . youre baby stink breath . how could you make me baby stink breath and not even tell me . i was going to tell you on my deathbed . honey , you did have a great time doing those commercials . and you made a lot of money . i did . where is it . your father invested it in a college trust fund which today must be worth a la la . hmm . of course , the stock markets been down lately . but there must be some sort of la la . nothing left . la la . you spent all the money i earned . i needed it . i had to buy back some incriminating photos . look . see . youre fine . and then , whoops . uh oh . look out . i know this looks bad , but if you reverse it , daddys a hero . see . watch . i saved you . you stole my money . bart , stop that . thats okay . his cute little hands cant even fit around my neck . he now hes got it . bart , the larynx is not a plaything . mom , i am sick of the way he treats me . he disrespects me and im just supposed to accept it . right . youre mine until youre . when youre im gonna know the end is near so im gonna work you like a dog . so my dad blew all the money i made from that embarrassing commercial . promise me you wont tell anyone . i wont . but these things have a way of getting out . ha , baby stink breath . it was worth it . i just wish there was some way to get back at my dad . when my mom wants to get back at my dad , she uses her lawyer . does it make him cry . more than normal . hey , son . ive got tickets for the circus . hmm , badger , haggle and bill . luvum and burnham , family law . hackey , joke and dunnit . bingo . i want a divorce from my parents . you wha . i said , i want a divorce from my parents . i heard you . i was calling my secretary . uwa , get me the standard child divorcing form . yes , sir . i heard a wonderful saying today , forgive and forget . yes . at times like this , i just look at my bracelet . good point , dad . what would jesus do . jesus . i thought it was geppetto . aw , pfft . who is it . im here to serve you with a subpoena . well , im not opening the door . it comes with a side of bacon . is it crispy . yes . but not too crispy . no . unh . see you in court . bart , youre suing us . yes . i wanna be emancipated . emancipated . dont you like being a dude . no , dad . it means bart would be a legal adult and free to move out of the house . i wanted a sewing room but not like this . not like this . mom , youve always been cool to me . but homer is a lousy dad and im not gonna take it anymore . hey , my dad was lousy and i didnt sue him . i just dumped him in the cheapest home i could find . hey . my iv is empty . and my catheter is full . mm hm . hmm . see you tomorrow . but you bart , using this doll , tell the court where your father took money from you . here and here . let the records show that he pulled out the pockets of the doll . mr . simpson , your son alleges that you have an anger management problem . why , you little uh , im sorry , judge . thats a rare lapse in my normally calm demeanor . could the stenographer please read the previous statement . why , you little why , you little why , you little why , you little all rise for the verdict . son , i just want you to know whatever that judge decides im gonna be the best dad i can . no judge would send a preteen out on his own whoo hoo . youre still mine . and you thought i was a bad dad before except in this case . that boys about as safe living with you as a crawdad in a gumbo shack . bart simpson , i declare you emancipated . further , i hereby garnish homers wages until bart is fully repaid . mm , garnish . that means half your paycheck goes to bart . what the . half goes to bart , half goes to my vegas wife . whats left for moe . homer , dont make things worse . ill show you worse . i was told this would be televised . how can i fit my whole life into a suitcase . maybe if i move that thing there . perfect . where are you gonna live . with the money dads paying me , i rented a loft downtown . do you even know what a loft is . no . i assume it has hay . oh . im gonna miss you . heres something to remember me by . ow . indian burn . look at it . aw , thats so sweet . if i did it right , its permanent . please dont go , bart . ill let you swear in the house . everything but the big three . sorry , mom . i just cant , not as long as hes here . oh , honey . i cant believe this is happening . ill miss you so much . either give me some of that or lets get going . sorry , mom . i gotta go . go ahead , leave . youll come crawling back . thats right . crawling on your knees . crawling . hes really gone . hes gone . well , here i am , on my own . and im gonna make it , world . be quiet in there . some of us are trying to sell drugs . look out , son . this ones got a little mustard on it . attaboy , we just won the world series . you and me together , yeah . he shouldve done that with the real bart when he had the chance . being a free man is great , milhouse . i can draw on myself . boy , i wish i was a free man . mom . wheres puppy goo . oh , puppy goo fetch me a dream . ha , boy , its really empty in here . now , calm down . im perfectly safe . murders illegal in this state . okay . that was just my imagination . mommy . not up . down . oh , im gonna die in my jammies . say it aint so , i will not go turn the lights off , carry me home hey , its an emancipated minor . whats your name . im bart simpson and hey , are you skateboarding legend tony hawk . thats what my business cards say . oh , wait . thats my old phone number . you live in this building . when im not on the road or in rehab for my pelvis . i hope you dont mind living below pro skaters who like to party . ill adjust . hey , blink  . we have names . whatever . you can crank it up . dude , lets trash this place . after we get paid . nice . oh , man , this is the greatest night of my life . if my dad could see this , hed be so mad . he can . theres a webcam right there . of all the sites on all the web , i had to click onto his . darn it . i keep pouring juice for five . ha , did you see that . your mom thinks youre still here . oh , tomorrows the day the judge said we can visit bart . i think he might come home if we can show him we can treat him better . for your information , ive been taking steps to become a better father . for the past week , ive been carrying around this bag of sugar . its taught me how to love and care for a child . what the . where the hell is my sugar . condoleezza marie aint too playful tonight . and i dont remember her being this granulated . can i put your baby in my coffee . well , the doctor said you eat any more baby they gonna take your foot . thanks for the lift , tony hawk . i gotta go now , tony hawk . cool guy , tony hawk . bart , you know tony hawk . please , im trying to keep it quiet . catch you later , tony hawk . stay cool , brett . i dont think this is a good place for a boy . heres . buy yourself a suit and get busy . ill buy a suit of drugs . hi , guys . dad . hello , son . youre looking well . wow , this place is great . that couch looks really pricey . well , you need an expensive couch to watch an expensive tv . of course , because you wouldnt want to i paid for your splendor , you and for every syringe i find , i get a dollar . well , thats great , honey . unh . you know , son , ive been doing a lot of thinking . i was wrong to exploit you and i wont do it again . thanks , dad . that means a lot to me . you think you might see your way clear to moving back in with your ma and me . sorry . no can do . im taking off for six months to join the skewed tour . skewed tour . the traveling festival of rock n roll , skateboarding and extreme sports . and nipple piercing . aah . dont worry . theyre clip ons . behold the delightful unicorn i got at the face painting pavilion . dude , that was a tattoo parlor . hes suffered enough . yeah . but on the other hand just a reminder , people if youre getting bogus returns on your investments contact goldman sachs , the skewed financial planners . up next on the halfpipe , boarding legend tony hawk . up next on the halfpipe , boarding legend tony hawk . psst , mr . hawk , may i have a word with you . an extreme word . sure . my son is bart simpson and . i didnt say extreme to the max . sorry . i just wanna win my son back so badly . i can relate . im a father myself . oh , one day , theyre little shredders . the next day , theyre grinding their way to college . yeah , i make up words too . i was wondering if you could pretend to lose to me in a skateboarding contest so i can be a hero to my boy again . ill lose millions in endorsements , but okay . this board represents the ultimate in poser technology . it gives the illusion they have talent . groovy . lock your feet in , the board does all the work . all the work . fine . ill lift you onto the board too . do it without the attitude or dont do it at all . now the portion of our event where champion tony hawk may be challenged by any unknown member of the audience . im challenging you , hawk in front of all these outcasts and dreamers who cant even get into the army , if you can believe it . dad , how drunk are you . not very . youre going down , homer . then back up . then down . back up again . thats how the game is played . i cant count how many times your fathers done something crazy like this . its mom . i couldve sworn it was . shh . now to win back my son in comfort and style . you know , i could save money by buying separate nuts and mixing them at home . man , i wanted him to look good , but not to show me up . its time to take out the thrash . take that . woo hoo . i rule this pseudo sport . come back to me , boy . dad , you dont understand . this was never about being cool , it was about you not caring how i felt . oh , thats the dumbest thing i ever heard , you stupid little kid . homer , youre heading for parental face plant . do a emotional ollie . finally . someone explains it to me in words i can understand . look , boy . i know i did wrong and im truly sorry . i put you in humiliating commercials for money which i spent on myself . i just wish i had an opportunity to make things right . mr . simpson , i like the way you handled yourself on that board . would you like to do a commercial . anything . as long as i can give the money to my son . excellent . i represent viagrogaine , the topical rub for bald , impotent men . well , i am bald and important . where do i sign . well , i am bald and important . where do i sign . oh , steve , youre everything a girl could want . whats your secret . well , cathy , ill tell you . its viagrogaine . it gives you lots of hair and what you need down there . what are you waiting for , loser . side effects include loss of scalp and penis . what did they say about my scalp . dont worry , dad . its a commercial . no one will remember this in years . ha , . springfield . ah . whoo hoo . welcome to matinee of blood and commercials . i am your hostess , booberella . our first fright flick is s frankenstein and the harlem globetrotters meet the mummy and the washington generals . i cant just sit here watching this junk . thats better . if you watch closely you might recognize a young ray romano . all right , frankenstein , thats a three second violation . dont blame frankenstein . me made from corpses of denver nuggets . now for the first of our commercial breaks . then you can see more of my boobs . its nice to see a realistic single woman on tv . hello , springfield . come to my back to parking lot blowout . schools starting , bart . arent you excited . this year , you learn about local history . weve got first rate school supplies at third world prices at the kwik e , where we believe in america . please dont beat me up anymore . bad news . ray romano has sued to prevent the showing of the movie . watch this commercial for krusty burger while i appeal this temporary injunction . like a rib it tastes like liberty like a rib with a bun of sesame we start with authentic letter graded meat and process the hell out of it till its good enough for krusty . try my new krusty ribwich . mm . i dont mind the taste . oh , a new hamburger sandwich . wow , i cant wait to pack that into my colon . dude , take it easy on the fatty foods . schools back in session lets begin our lessons this year , he gets it in the back . uh , willie , did you get the letter about your pay cut . aye . therell be many a cut this year . indeed there will . budget wise of course . nelson , how was your summer . sucked . whatd you do . space camp . at ease , cadet nelson . good to be back on terra firma , eh . how about i launch my foot into your butt . i held your hair when you barfed in the simulator . shut up , commander . welcome back , children . weve all had fascinating summers . i was the maitre d at the springfield country club . my dad says you were a busboy . you mean your dad , the raging alcoholic . um , we better get down to business . as this is a non leap year , were a day behind . come on , man . everyone knows the first day of school is a total wank . well , if by wank you mean educational fun then stand back , its wanking time . lets get the year rolling with an all school spelling bee . whoo hoo . ugh , i guess i wont be popular this year either . bart , your word is imply . imply . i m bart said i am pee . hes made of pee . well , i got my laugh . im out of here . i made bart in my pants . well , were down to our last two students . milhouse , your word is choke . oh , i know this one . its so easy . f oh , man . stop laughing . it will scar him for life . it is kind of infectious . lisa , impugn . i m hey , lisa said she was unh , shut up , pee . u g . impugn . thats right . lisa simpson , youre school champion . wow , i better make the most of this . free tibet . therell be time for that later . now you concentrate on representing our school at the state spelling finals . lisa . lisa . lisa . and heres your prize for today a scale model of the planet mars . this is just a kickball with mars written on it . behold , the red planet . it was so exciting . i actually got applause for being smart . mars , eh . hmm . i see no evidence of water . well , this is very impressive , lisa . im kicking this right onto the mantle . well , im not done yet . principal skinner said if i win the state finals i can go to the spellympics . im just happy youre excited about something besides saving the whales . face it , theyre doomed . hey , the ribwich is back . the ribwich . the commercials have come to pass . try the new ribwich . its so good youll croak . you seem like an impartial observer . but ive been fooled by so many people in costumes . try the sauce . im soaked in it . i could lick you all day long . and yet my children think im a failure . one ribwich , please . mm hm . hmm . now without lettuce . sir , are you all right . i have eaten the ribs of god . drool cleanup at register . ameliorate . could you use it in a sentence . nothing can ameliorate the ineptitude of principal skinner . i wish he wouldnt use me in every example . a m . ameliorate . correct . lisa , you just won the state finals . diphthongs , cognates , latin roots lisa clobbers all you fruits oh , our little girls got her own cheering section . hey , who doesnt . you tell her , big h . you the man . ah , you aint so hot . lisa , im so impressed youre state champ . finally , a simpson has a trophy without a bowling ball on it . well , why dont we celebrate by going to a movie . that sounds like a magical family moment . im sorry i wont be there . really . it wont be the same without you , dad . oh , sweetie . youre the most important thing to me in the world . only very serious daddy business can tear me from your side . three ribwiches , please . and instead of a shake , id like a blended ribwich . im sorry , sir . the ribwich was for a limited time only . not again . first , you took away my philly fudge steak and then my bacon balls , then my watcha ma . you monster . id like a large fries , please . and a collectors cup . if you want the ribwich , theyre testing it in other markets . check out the tour schedule . wow , this is amazing . i could follow the ribwich from town to town . thats what we do . were ribheads . maybe i should hook up with you guys . after all , how long do any of us have to live . if you like the ribwich , not very . doh . lisa , to honor springfield elementarys shining star we are granting you a doublewide locker . your books will actually fit in this one . hey , my lockers gone . your effects have been moved to willies shack . come along , lad . and lose your books . they wont help you where youre going . in business news , m and mm have merged to form , get this , ultradyne systems . and speaking of news stories , heres another . springfields spelling phenom lisa simpson has qualified for spellings answer to the olympics the spellympics . in a related story , the spellympics is being sued by the olympics for use of the suffix lympics . this has gotta be the slowest news day ever . ah , thats better . paris is no more . the legendary city of lights has been extinguished forever as a okay , champ . i before e , except after c . except when pronounced like a , as in neighbor and weigh . really . hmm . well , what about in the sentence jim nabors is way cool . how often is that gonna come up . its on my apron . yeah . i got work to do . hey , lookie . its that youngun what sorts them squiggles into words . can you spell scabies . s c . rubella , we got you a middle name . you aint supposed to hold her like that . spell acdc . a c . uh uh . you forgot the lightning bolt . relapse . r e . thats what beer has done to me . sock it to me . sock it to me . sock it to me . l i . l i . thank you . ive never felt more accepted . perhaps one day , people who spell correctly will replace athletes at the top of our national pantheon . boo . ha , i was just k i . hmm . come on , dimples . spell something else for us . im a little tired . oh , come on . hey , spell little miss she thinks . ugh , very well . l i m i i aint got time for this . i got a bar to run . welcome to the games of the th spellympiad . im george plimpton , founder of the paris review . i also played the evil dean in boner academy . you monster . why did you expel boogerman . he replaced my tennis racket with a rubber phallus . ha , that was awesome . and now in the ancient spelling bee tradition we shall release the bees . and now to exterminate the bees , the magnificent blue angels . oh . i put a spell on you its so exciting . its like living in a dictionary . because youre mine ha , hes an aserose . really . he possesses the properties of a pine needle . look , i didnt bring a game boy . this is all i got . a n . anthrax . aw . hes adorable . id sure like to tuck that in at night . well , were down to our three finalists lisa sun moon and alex . we will crown our champion tomorrow . now please enjoy our unlicensed knockoff of the olympic anthem . congratulations , sweetie . youre in the finals . well , im just happy you guys all came up here to calgary with me . im sorry , honey . i cant be here tomorrow . its the last day the ribwich is in san francisco . dad , this is my moment in the sun . how can you miss it to be with a sandwich . you dont understand . its not just a sandwich . its about brotherhood . its about freedom . its about three days since ive had one . im getting the shakes and im getting the fries . dont worry , honey . you can win without him . i guess ill have to . then ill be queen of the world . of spelling . thats right , queen of the world . of spelling . lisa , may i see you privately for a moment . this can only be good . lisa , competitive spelling has fallen on hard times . todays students would rather watch ozzy osbourne . look at me , im a drug addict . ho , . some of us still enjoy scripted comedy , sir . thats a good girl . but if spelling is to compete , it needs a charismatic champion . someone like me back when i was a white haired little boy . well , i havent won yet . nor shall you . what . the future of our very sport is at stake . and we want the gold medal to go to him . who . alex . the boy that everybody loves . yes . hes crowd pleasing and hes cute . women in the audience toss their thick glasses at him . im not throwing a spelling bee . ill die before i misspell . be reasonable , lisa . if you take a dive , well guarantee you a scholarship to the seven sisters college of your choice . oh , free college . and a hot plate . its perfect for soup . throw the bee and go to college . throw the bee and go to college . we are the seven sisters , and you could attend any one of us . like barnard , columbias girl next door . come to radcliffe , meet harvard men . come to wellesley , marry them . no , party with me . or non conform with me . huh . play lacrosse with me . or explore with me . mm . no , i dont wanna pay for college by throwing a spelling bee . give in , lisa . get a free ride . and a hot plate . free ride . free ride . free ride . and a hot plate . what is it , sweetie . mom , im having a crisis of conscience . can you and dad afford to send me to college . oh , sure . i mean , not on your fathers salary . but i could , um , give piano lessons . but you dont play the piano . i just gotta stay one lesson ahead of the kid . well , i suppose i could just skip college and marry milhouse . i know this is a fantasy , but ill take it . ha , . no , forget it . no . ill never be this happy again . hey , man , can you turn me on . hey , dont borgnine my sandwich . hey , . its the guy from the drive through . yeah . id like three ribwiches , a diet coke will you get out of my . look , uh , about the ribwich . there arent gonna be any more . the animal we made them from is now extinct . the pig . the cow . youre way off . think smaller . think more legs . ew . people , we went through something magical together . its not important who got rich off of whom or who was exposed to tainted what . and because you believed in my dream i want you to fight over the last ribwich ever made . here . welcome to the real world , hippies . wow , what a long , strange product rollout its been . goodbye . hmm . man , you got the last ribwich . ill give you anything for it . please . ill get you four days and three nights at a comfort inn . anywhere in the lower states . blackout dates , december th through january th . i give you the lease to my car . ah . lisa . is this what ive come to . fighting over a stupid sandwich on my daughters big day . mister , ill take that car . thats nice . aha . mm , . i have the buyers remorse . all right . your word is weather . which one . can you use it in a sentence . certainly . i dont know whether the weather will improve . uh oh . w uh , um e alex , your word is rigged as in , this contest is rigged . r i . rigged . bravo , my pet . you shall be champion assuming lisa misspells this next word . the word is intransigence . could i please hear it in a sentence . certainly . the little girls intransigence cost her the college of her choice . intransigence . i daddy made it for your dance recital , honey . dad , you do care . damn right . youre number one on my menu . now super size it . with you here , i cant fail . attention , everyone . i was asked to take a dive , but i wont do it . i n . you fool , its e n . oh , my god , youre right . i spelled it wrong . i tried my best and i failed . and now you lose everything . and i go back to whatever it is i do . lisa , honey , you spelled the word wrong but you did the right thing . yeah . youre the number one speller in this car , or in that car or in that car , or dont look at that car . my one chance for everyone to like me and i blew it . wha . two cheers for lisa . hip , hooray . hip , hooray . now deep breath and quiet . you mean youre all still proud of me . lisa , with second place youre the biggest winner this town ever had . before you , it was the woman who dated charles grodin . you have made me feel so wonderful . thank you , springfield . weve got another surprise for you . ay , caramba . ah . thats amazing . thank you . springfield . ah . come on , come on , lets get to the beach . hold your horses . i was up all night fishing out the drawstring from your fathers swimsuit . it came out again . well , im all set . im gonna be following the latest designs from modern sandcastle magazine . well , im all set too . then all thats left is to protect maggie from the sun . i think she needs a diaper change . well , it aint happening today . look , everybody , here they come . once again we celebrate springfields most beloved event . for each year , on the third tuesday of may sweeps we witness the return of the stinging red jellyfish . what a sight . it happens every year like the swallows returning to capistrano . or the fox network getting a new president . i made a new friend . im going to africa to see lions and giraffes and monkeys and santa and gorillas and daddy , why is everyone so happy the jellyfish are back . well , in the old days , people thought jellyfish venom had curative properties . now we know it just makes things a lot worse . like laser eye surgery . exactly . jellyfish , along you came and right away im stunned sweet words i long to whisper but youve paralyzed my tongue oh , what a magical evening . the moonlight , the music , the water . enough talk . dip me , my love . lower . lower . lower . ah . this is as romantic as the night i proposed . maybe we can have this band play at our wedding . i was hoping we could use this audio cassette . seymour , weve got to have a band . fine . but no cake . sarah , youre as lovely as the day i first arrested you . i was so shy . ah , well , sea captain , looks like you and i are sailing solo tonight . are you hitting on me . because i dont do thaton land . well , guess i might as well head back to my store . i got a date with some twins , the state and federal tax forms . poor ned . this is his first jellyfish festival alone . i know . and it doesnt get any easier from here . theres the tongue kissing festival , cinco de ocho , the hobo oscars . days just made for lovers . not widowers , lovers . form of business . sole proprietorship . owners marital status . happily married to a dead woman . excuse me . are you open . mm hm . open as a tomb on easter . what can i ding dong do for you . boy , they dont make them like you in l . a . oh , i should say not . i gave up on l . a . when those tv people made that poor nun fly . all those puerto ricans looking up her dress . thats not right . do you have any left handed eyelash curlers . do i . no , i dont . but i can have them here by tuesday . well for now , ill take a left handed crimper . why , you are gorgeous . you dont know who i am , do you . i sure do . youre the most important person in the world because youre my customer . are you for real . im as real as the nose on your face . yeah . real . well , it looks good . and it sounds pretty too . thanks . ill see you later . im here for a while and i dont really know anyone . would you like to have dinner tomorrow . a woman asking a man out . well . well , why not . and maybe ill eat my steak with a spoon . call me . im staying at the springfield four seasons . ask for zelda fitzgerald . what the . thats a pseu diddilyeudonym . well , ive got a date with a girl with no name it sure feels good to be back in the game at dessert maybe i can ask her name because i cant pray for her without the right name ba doo ive got a date with a movie star . sure you do . and im going apple picking with scooby doo . psst . homer . flanders . cant a man just drink alone on a wednesday morning . i need your advice . its about a lady . oh . ha , . let me guess . skinners mother . she sure knows how to swing it . no , its sara sloane . i have a date with her tonight . sara sloane . the movie star . yup . why would that twinkie wanna go out with a ding dong like me . flanders , i mix twinkies and ding dongs all the time . in europe , they call it a dinkie . well , sir , thats very encouraging , but i cant date a movie star . im no arthur miller or lyle lovett . now , wait just a minute . i used to worry marge was too good for me . she was always thinking of ways to improve me . but then part of her died and she doesnt try anymore . so were all where we wanna be . im sorry for the disguise , ned . i dont wanna cause a commotion . excuse me , miss sloane . may i have an autograph . excuse me , miss sloane . may i have an autograph . sure . oh , man , this is going right on ebay . i mean , my wall , which i will sell on ebay . sad to say , this isnt the worst i get . oh , can i just push this plastic cast onto one of your boobs . okay . now you are the worst . rod says marco . and darn it if todd doesnt say polo right back . oh , listen to me just running my gums about my kids . youre probably bored silly . no . its a nice change from all the actors i usually date . all they wanna talk about is their botox , their tae bo or their xbox . huh . sara , theres something ive been dying to do all night . so lets just get it over with now and hold hands . mm . heavens gate . im gonna be tasting you on my moustache for a week . wanna try for a month . mm . sara sloane has been involved with every tinseltown hunk from affleck to zmed . well , yeah . shes had more stars on her than lisas homework . mm mm . now shes dating mr . flanders . thats so romantic . who the hell is mr . flanders . oh , flanders . hello . yes , im ned flanders close personal friend . thats right . hot and heavy . theyve never been happier . oh , yeah , she does look pregnant . now , who might you be . a tabloid . is that one of those really strong mints . hello . hello . jesus is the rock that rolls my blues away shooby dooby, , yeah , shooby dooby you guys are jamming . ah . daddy , she swore . you know , i grew up in a house like this . i didnt know there were people like you left in the world . ha , yup . we occupy that useless mass of land between los angeles and new york called america . ned , im not sure you should open the door . oh , if someone took the time to press that button , this is the least i can do . are you sleeping with sara sloane . is that moustache real . do you plan to kill sara like your last wife . its the tabloids . everybody , run . hey , come back . pose , . your carpeted floor feels good on my toes . come on . lets concoct more lies . zookeepers wife , scene take one . action . kiss me , diego . but your husbands animals are watching . where do you think i learned to do this . mm . whoa . whoa , . this movie is turning into sponge bob no pants . ugh , cut . sir , theres no reason sara needs to do this scene in the altogether . sam , hes got a point . katharine hepburn never showed her breasts . theres still time . i want a rewrite with no nudity . all right . but youre gonna have to kiss a woman . deal . ned , we won . yup . all we gotta do is turn that woman into a fella and that kiss into a game of scrabble . you are so sweet to look out for me . the public may not see me naked but you just might . ha , well , thats , uh , very interesting , uh easy , ned . think of the bible . miss sloane , i loved you in sleeping with pinocchio and honey , i scotchgarded the kids . thanks . i grew really close to the actress who played my daughter . i think shes in france or something . hmm . and , ned , i havent seen you this happy in years . mm hm . i havent felt this good since we stole the election . hey , dont blame me . i voted for the green mm . ah . the paparazzi . i thought we fooled them with our cher crow . gypsies , tramps and thieves wed hear it from the people are you aware your daughters gay . boy , those guys are such leeches . moe , what are you doing here . cant your old buddy , moe , stop by with questions from the weekly world news . uh , number one sara , is it true you shoplifted a kayak . ill have you know she pays full price for her watercraft . rainier wolfcastle . my ex boyfriend . sara , liebchen , take me back . if tears could burst through my muscular ducts i would cry like a baby who was just hit by a hammer . rainier , youre too jealous . you beat up jon lovitz because he presented me an award . oh , come on . no one misses a handshake that badly . sorry . i found someone nice who doesnt talk like a freak . exact a . my libido has been terminated . ned , ive never met a man like you . youre sensitive . youre in great shape . you have a moustache . and yet youre not gay . oh , no way . i wont even eat vegetables over inches long . so anyway , uh , hmm , your movies wrapping up soon . i guess youll be heading out on the first bus to the airport . if you ride with a friend , you can save bucks . ned , i know this is fast . when i go back to hollywood , i want you to come with me . ned flanders in tinseltown . ned , im james l . brooks . oh , can i call you jim . james l . brooks is good . how about some sponge cake . well , i cant see the harm . with a brandy glaze . no . perhaps youd like a football game . we dont have a team . no . hey , daddy baby . were movie producers now . and were jewish . yay . sara , im sorry . but i cant move to hollywood . heck , even dollywoods too far out for me . too many people appreciating it ironically . well , then im staying in springfield with you for good . oh , forgive my language . but , uh , im one happy camper . mm . dude , whats it like kissing a movie star . whats it like kissing a woman . what seems to be the problem , officer . problem is i cant seem to get an agent . ha . could you give your girlfriend my headshot . uh , thats me as a greaser , emperor of china , eleanor roosevelt very regal , and now just plain me with an eye patch . ill give it to my agent . i dont do tv . sure is nice to be shopping for a woman again . last thing i bought for a lady was a casket . sir , would you ask your sweetheart to sign her autograph for me . well , of course wait a minute . this is to adopt two of your kids . oh , so it is . ive already dumped three on mia farrow . sucker . look . its celebrity boy toy , ned flanders and his arm candy , sara sloane . miss sloane , how are you handling the change from la la land to blah blah land . lisa , springfield isnt a cultural wasteland . part of stroker ace was filmed at our airport . and , um oh , theres our ladies book club . sara , youre welcome to come . oh , id love to . another scoop . sara sloane to attend girl on book club . ho ho, , moe , you lovable loser . you just made yourself . whoo hoo . todays book is bridget joness diary . now , lets go around the room and analyze why we didnt read it . cramps . all my friends are dead . well , then , i guess its time for margaritas . well , i wish someone had read the book since i did invite the author helen fielding . oh , never mind . as long as they bought the book , ill get the money . besides , most americans cant understand the sophisticated subtlety of british humor . i bid you good day . hop to it , honey . if we get to the pops concert early we can give up our seats to some old people . daddy , where do babies come from . sweetie , thats not the kind of dress you wear outdoors or indoors or in a dirty dream . oh , loosen up , honey . this dress just creates the illusion of nudity . well , siegfried and roy create a lot of illusions but i doubt their girlfriends dress like that . she should be ashamed . thats disgusting . dont look , seymour . im a veteran , mother . a veteran bed wetter . mother . sara , i hate to say it , but your tops upstaging the pops . fine . ill wear your stupid jacket . ah . oh . ah . oh . ah . oh . ah . sara , i love you , but i get the feeling youre just not a ned head tonight . is something wrong . actually , there is something . the time weve spent together has been wonderful but i want sex with you . uh , well , thats , uh , a mighty big kettle of , uh premarital , uh , doodly . ha , . i knew youd say that . i need a glass of wine . oh . ah . this is quite a dil diddly . i better talk this over with the big man . homer , sara wants us to have s e . stupid flanders , im not giving you any of my secret moves . well , im not sure i wanna do it . i mean , who will buy the cow when you get the milk for free . you know , the cow being me . flanders , im always interested in talking about free milk . and if theres cookies involved , so much the better . hmm . ned , look . i know i said i wanted this . but i dont want you to do anything youre uncomfortable with . i consulted my bible and found verses supporting what you wanna do and a lot of verses against it . what does that one say , ned . it says a man should make restitution if he eats his neighbors grain . and thats good enough for me . whoa . wow . that made me completely forget about bob balaban . thats what maude used to say . a girl could get used to that . well , and you will right after the wedding . you wanna get married . mm hm . thats right . im like baskin robbins . you get one free taste , then you gotta buy the scoop . ned , i love you . but im not ready to be tied down . i love you too . and i always will . but unlike the bible i guess this aint gonna have a happy ending . im sorry . oh , darn the luck . that sounds like the lupus fun run . ha , . fight lupus . screen siren sara sloane shocked tinseltown last night with a midnight marriage to gosford park megahunk , bob balaban . this was followed three hours later by a quickie divorce . ah . i bet we would have lasted twice that long . poor ned , gardening away his misery . his answers not at the bottom of a hedge . hey , hollywood , call me . my numbers on the bench . its the darnedest thing . women love you when youve dated a movie star . im very happy for you , ned . me too . uh oh . here comes helen fielding . springfield . spritz goes to washington the simpsons se episode script mr . spritz goes to washington the simpsons mr . spritz goes to washington doh . ah . we return to a late episode of the three stooges brittle boneheads . there . unh . take it easy , moe . he dont have health insurance . take that , you um chowderhead . thanks , for nothing , unh . ha , that was my paralyzed side . oh , stroke victim , eh . unh . please , moe . i dont wanna do this no more . get up , curly four . curly four . i need a quarter for the bus . droll . hmm . hmm . mm , . promo . ew . fox . now , i got you unh , not the swear jar . its the only thing holding back the filth . nutty fudgkins . do you hear a noise . what . why is that jet flying so close to our house . why dont you ask those guys . if i stop pedaling , ill die . but it still beats u . s . air , ha , . the people there dont know how to make a flight . they mustve moved the flight paths over our house . this is a private jet . why do we gotta watch the divine secrets of the ya ya sisterhood . the boss . hes got a thing for the ya yas . why was i born a man . ew . i got barts veal . i got lisas plankton kebobs . ew . marge germs . maggie , give me that . how much longer is this going to go on . get out of my airspace . dad , why dont you go to the airport authority and complain . im on my way . you man the rake . this is not a delta hub . go up to room and ask for form . weve already been to room . weve already filled out form . it was an application to open a cinnabon stand . look , can you please just tell us why youve changed the flight paths . uh , look , they were changed because it disturbed local wildlife and their mating rituals . vote quimby . vote quimby . vote quimby . ahh . without those noisy planes , i can finally hear my kitten purr . thanks a million , joe . youre the swellest . thats your voice . now , i regret building you that opera house . there has to be a solution that pleases everyone . from ducks and trees to yous and mes . are you threatening a government official . no . good . because were the government . we make the laws . we print the money . and we breed the super soldiers . so go home , learn to live with it , pay your taxes and remember , you didnt hear about super soldiers . theres the from newark . the from phoenix , connecting from dallas . the from portland is running late . again . there it is . ha , . homer , we havent gotten a good nights sleep in weeks . the dog has eaten all its hair . and the fixtures wont stay in one place . ive had this dream before . i never thought i would say this . but i think we have to move . never . stay plugged in . i will find you . cookie , think you can sell this house . well , itll be tough , but i can do it . cookies number one on the west side . but this is the east side . who is this lady . hmm , . why are you selling your house . occasionally you might hear a faint roar . see . it all works out . ill give you three crayons and my milk . its a good offer . i advise you to take it . hmm , make that a chocolate milk and you got a deal . im walking away . we cant sell the house . we cant live here . what are we going to do . why dont we go to our congressman . thats a great idea . why didnt you say something before . ive been saying it for three weeks , but every time i open my mouth what . what . the shakings so bad , all my omelets have become frittatas . thats the saddest story ive heard in my years of public service . it makes my blood boil and my left arm feel numb . also i taste copper . quick . someone perform cpr . uh i see a bad moon rising thats ccr . uh , it looks like were in for nasty weather congressman wilcox was laid to rest today . special election will be held to fill his seat . i guess theres only one way out of our problems a murdersuicide pact . how can you say that . its just an expression , marge . youre watching channel springfields home of krusty the klown . now on three times a day . because at channel we got nothing else . hey , krusty should run for congress . he could help us with the airplanes . yeah , and entertainers are always winning elections . jesse the body ventura , sonny bono , gopher from love boat . mary bono sure ill help you , kid . take a picture of me and my number one dying fan . ha , . have your mom mail back the hat after , uh , you know im not dying . yeah , thats the spirit . keep fighting . wheres my chai latte . krusty , we need you to run for congress . congress . but i hate the government . theyve been on my back like hump on granny . irs , atf , immigration . oh , uh , teeny here is from brazil . his uncle was the head monkey at the bureau of tourism . but if you get elected , you can change all that stop those airplanes from flying over my house . yeah . i could even tell the fcc to take a hike . look at this list of words they wont let me say on the air . oh , all the good ones . hmm , i never even heard of number nine . its doing while shes elevening your five . can i keep this . sure , no off my ass . welcome , fellow republicans . to start with , brother hibbert will read a report on our efforts to rename everything after ronald reagan . all millard fillmore schools are now ronald reagans . the mississippi river is now the mississippi reagan . and my good friend frankenstein is now frankenreagan . bleh . excellent . now , to the matter at hand . whom will we put up for young wilcoxs congressional seat . gentlemen , i am your candidate . maybe bob dole should run . bob dole thinks bob dole should . bob dole likes to hear bob dole talk about bob dole . bob dole . we want krusty we want krusty uh , just one thing . are you guys any good at covering up youthful and middle aged indiscretions . are these indiscretions romantic , financial or treasonous . russian hooker . you tell me . oh , no problem . well say you were on a fact finding mission . i did find out one fact she was a guy . well , if eddie murphy can go on to do dr . dolittle i suppose we can make this work . congratulations , krusty . youre running for congress . why dont you pound that sign into your own lawn . eh , im still undecided . i vow to reach out to the latino community . aie yai . whatd i say . you said , youre going to vomit on their mothers graves . oh , so thats why my maid quit . i was the first clown to put a woman in sketches . miss bada boom . she had more acting talent in one boob than most women have in their entire rack . hmm aw . yeah , you with the million dollar gams . dont you see . hes pointing out how sexist men can be . yeah , listen to the tomato with the melons . hmm . oh , three bean salad . sorry . you cant join us . this is a hundred dollar fundraiser . for you get a picture with me . for a thousand , i can have somebody whacked . uh , its a joke . when you give me that look , its a joke . ill have some more salad . this is kent brockman with a special live report from the headquarters of krusty opponent john armstrong . how can i prove were live . penis . now , heres the candidate . krusty is an insensitive bore , unfit for public office . take a look at this incredibly offensive sketch from his show . i shall now call the roll . france . oh , my cheese , she stinks . no , wait . its me . jamaica . hey , man . i call for a joint session . this vote is dreadlocked . san francisco . hello there , sailor . im here and fabulous . now , id like to make a motion . woo . you cant judge me by that sketch . it was a different time , . those jets keep going lower and lower . sorry . krusty , were desperate here . we need you to turn your campaign around . is it the jewish thing . because i can change that . im carlton witherspoon iii . wheres my five iron . krusty , i dont usually give advice to republicans . but it would be nice to be on the winning side for once . you have to start making an honest connection with the voters . talk about how you can help regular families , like ours . help regular families , make an honest connection . krusty , why did you just drop your pants . i needed a joke to go out on . let me tell you all a story . when the network offered me i threw my caviar in their face . no . connect . uh , because i was thinking about the american family . one family in particular who was stepped on by the government and had nowhere else to turn . boring . im talking about the simpsons . let him speak . you know what . ill never stop fighting for them . or for any other family that needs someone to stand up for them . i like that clown . hes really looking out for me , the average joe sixtooth . whered you get yourself another tooth . sidewalk . if you send me to washington , youll all have a voice . a voice that will go ahooga . wah wah . wacka wacka . krusty . krusty . people , tell me your problems . ill fix them all . the government wants to shut me down the pipes under my toilet dont lead nowhere . elect me and i promise those pipes will lead to a better tomorrow . i gotta go . dont forget to vote . and watch out for the . welcome to fox news . your voice for evil . well be interviewing the top two candidates for springfields th congressional district . for the republicans , beloved childrens entertainer , krusty the klown . and for the democrats , this guy . i have a name . yes , im sure you do , comrade . i do appreciate your being here , youre usually so mired in sleaze it must be an effort to come down to the studio . may i say something . certainly , congressman . he hasnt won yet . you make a very adulterous point . we will now conclude this debate with a krusty campaign commercial . when a man loves his country like krusty loves america krusty the klown , the man from funny . ive brought laughter to your homes three days a week , weeks a year for of the past years . but whenever america has needed me , ive been there . photographs have been modified to include krusty . election night is so exciting . im on pins and needles . and im on pepto and xanax . im so nervous , i kissed my dog and gave my girlfriend a flea bath . laugh it up . that joke cost me a thousand bucks . were ready to announce a winner in springfields th congressional district . yay . i won . im a senator . congressman . whatever . i swear to uphold and protect the constitution of these united states . so relax , gun nuts . i cant touch you . id like to introduce a bill banning air travel over residential areas . hey , . what are you . an idiot . freshmen congressmen dont introduce squat . you gotta pee in a bucket until your second term . but how am i supposed to serve my constituents . you can start by scrubbing off some of this capitol hill graffiti . you got a lot of work ahead of you . grover cleveland sucks what . leave that , lest we forget . someone on this fakakta committees gotta care about my air traffic bill . im sorry , congressman . but this is a committee for designing dollar coins no one will use . i say we make them out of chocolate . kids eat them . why fight it . oh , i need some air . do you need some hot air . we congressmen are full of it . i blather on for hours . yap yap . there he is . krusty , we came to see how many campaign promises youve kept . uh , lets see . did i promise to be a slave to big oil . no . well , then none . krusty , i cant believe youre giving up . i thought youd make a difference . i voted for you . how could you vote . youre only . this is not about me . or how many times i voted . you were gonna get rid of the airplanes over our house . and now theyre worse than ever . krusty , youve let everyone down . and even worse , you let down this sacred document . youre right . its time i made a difference . dad , this is a kids menu where you help yogi bear get to the washington monument . stained with the blood of american patriots . thats jelly . from the unknown toaster . i came here for a reason . and i will not be silent until hey , where is everybody . no one usually shows up unless theres a vote . well , then why are you here . i steal stuff when everyones gone . my christmas shoppings done . poor krusty . we gotta do something to help him . yeah . and to make things even more suspenseful our plane leaves in a half hour . excuse me . i think i can help . ive been working in this town for a long time and , well , i know how to get things done . beat it , waxie . no . lets hear him out . he looks a little like walter mondale . yeah , looks like . lets just say i know how a bill becomes law . oh , thats easy . first its introduced , then it goes to committee , then wrong . thats wrong . now , ill show you how things really work around here . sorry , krusty . but theres no way im letting your airline rerouting bill out of committee . congressman , i have a tape here of you using your free mail privilege to send a get well card to your aunt . ah . if they hear about this in modesto , im ruined . maybe i wanted to be caught . now , homer , that southern congressman is your biggest obstacle . your job is to drink him under the table so he misses the vote . you think you can do it . sir , i studied under ed mcmahon . how about a drinking contest , boy . right after i vote on the latest bill . how about before . ha . you remind me of my high school drinking coach . now , enough talking . lets drink . now , your job is to attach krustys bill to a more popular bill . one that cant fail . the house will now consider the flags for orphans bill . okay , paperclip , do your stuff . now , we just need a distraction . you call this a bicameral legislature . i say , i say , my groin . we will now vote on the flags for orphans and airline rerouting bill . oh , well , its paper clipped . chairman hayes , any objections . congressman beauregard . hmm . i dont wanna fight no union . all in favor . aye . motion carried . the system works . ive become enchanted and illusioned with washington . and the reason it worked is because you all did your part . but i didnt do anything . i just passed the bill in three hours . quit complaining . at last those planes are flying where they belong . thats right , over the homes of poor people . springfield . e . doh the simpsons se episode script c . e . doh the simpsons c . e . doh . ah . one , two , three oclock four oclock rock , five , six , seven oclock eight oclock rock nuts to you , copper . youre gonna be just fine . hello , scratchy . the big bopper . ritchie valens . buddy holly . no . so , kids , its valentines day , and you know what that means . you get to stay downstairs watching tv with the sound turned way up . what about you and mom . oh , well be upstairs in the bedroom making lovely rope ladders in case theres a fire . oh , okay . children , so naive . what . whos naive . i didnt say anything . so naive . mm this is so romantic . oh , my darling , nothing is too romantic for you . have some more liquor . thats it . drink up , my pretty . thanks for the love tip , minutes ii . mm , funky . hey there , little red riding hood . i ate your granny . and now im in the mood for love . oh , homie , im sorry . you know i usually bring my a game to the bedroom . but tonight , i just cant throw the heat . but its saint valentines day . god wants us to do it . youre so cute when youre begging for sex but im just too tired . well , my special mixtape will get you going . oh , no . thats maggies mixtape . then maggie must have gotten youre my sex bomb and baby , you can turn me on shut down on valentines day . thats supposed to be a gimme . game over . everyone but me . thanks for waking me for the bookmobile , terrence . oh , marge doesnt think im sexy . what am i supposed to do . hmm suicide , eh . hmm . thats it . thank you , outdoor advertising . youve saved my marriage , and not for the first time . releasing your inner screenplay . create an online kennel . oh . strip for your wife . well , im here to win back brandine . she been making eyes at that photographer what come to document our squalor . welcome to how to strip for your wife . dr . hibbert . youre the teacher . oh , yes . i put myself through medical school dancing under the name malcolm sex . i pleased the ladies by any means necessary . now , lets start with a full review of the theory of stripping . paleosexologists tell us that what the hell are you doing . homer , are you already oiled . three coats . that oil was for the entire class . homer , take this quarter , call your mother . tell her youre never going to be a stripper . arent you gonna chuckle . theres nothing to chuckle about . oh , nobody loves oily homer . you , the greasy , naked , bald man . ah . you know everything about me . what would you say if i offered you the secret of true success . wipe me down and sign me up . unh , the trick is to blot the oil . wiping just pushes it around . youre preaching to the choir , man . now , life is hard . am i right . yeah . life is hard . wrong . life is easy . you suck . you have to take life . you have to grab it by its little bunny ears and get in its face . god , look at you , losers . i can read your minds . oh , im afraid of success . its pizzas fault im fat . oh , ill stop sucking later . come here , give me your hand . its okay . ah . thank you , teacher . you see this watch . its jammed with so many jewels , the hands cant move . what kind of watch do you have . uh well , i drew it on . see . ah . you see that car out there . thats a bentley mark . they gave one to me one to steven spielberg , and they shot the guy who made it . oh , id hate to be in that union . friends , theres a force that runs through the universe . we used to call that force god . we now call it megatronics the tips to corporate success . hmm . there . woo . published by kinkos . do you wanna be the ultimate you . yes . do you wanna yodel at the top of the corporate mountain . yes . will you write me a check made out to cash . god , yes . tip one live each day like it was your last . i dont wanna die . im so young . tip two let nothing stand in your way . listen up , life obstacles . from now on , nothings gonna stand in homer simpsons way . do your homework . dont do so much homework . learn to talk . you , lets love now . sounds good to me . go on ahead . ill just slow you down . whats that ruckus . its the sound of a go getter at work , marge . look , i installed a key hook so youll always know where your keys are . oh , thats so sweet . i was tired of putting my keys in that bowl like a caveman . i finally harnessed the awesome power of the hook . well , time for work . megatronics tip make your cubicle into a you bicle . hmm , what next , megatronics . point out problems at your workplace to your boss . to separate yourself from the herd , just tattle on the cattle . hmm i say phantom menace sucked more . i say attack of the clones sucked more . thats toxic waste . and now , to see mr . burns for the promotion and raise ive deserved since this morning . mr . burns , ive made a list of recommendations to improve plant efficiency . oh , have you now . well , huzzah , . ill just throw back my legs and pollute my britches with delight . but the book said you would applaud my initiative . and what book is that . the ape who wanted a big bonus . stop wasting my time , you corn fed man cow . would you mind . yes , sir . aw , look at the little eels . oh , electric eels . i didnt know mr . burns had an electric eel pond . well , he does . all my life , ive had one dream to achieve my many goals . mr . burns has never given me a thumbs up or a way to be or a you go , girl . no . he just steps over everyone who works for him taking pleasure in making us feel small . oh , homie . dont let it get you down . so mr . burns doesnt take you seriously . big whoop . who gives a doodle . whoopie ding dong doo . thanks for trying , but ill be at moes . so my husband goes to a bar every night . whoop de . who gives a bibble . gabba , hey . i gave mr . burns the best years of my life . and how much respect does he give me . slim to bupkes . whos burns . somebody you work with . moe , weve been complaining about him every night for eight years . if this guys riding you wrong , why dont you slap him some payback . revenge . on mr . burns . yeah . send him magazine subscriptions he dont want . or give him some face time with sweet lady brick . ha , . no . i think this calls for something a little more cerebral . wait till he steps on this flaming bag of , ah lisas college fund . sir , we could be in real trouble here . if the government found out you dumped nuclear waste under lego land oh , smithers , the environmental effects wont be visible for years . heh , talk about your runaway government . for dumping that waste , you could go to jail . a handsome man like you , id hate to think what would happen . ha , i wouldnt go to jail . the legal owner of this plant would , canary m . burns . this entire plant is in his name . so when they come to put c . m . burns in jail , its the canary that does the time . sir , can you do that . oh , yes . tycoons have been doing it for years . why , standard oil was once owned by a half eaten breakfast . hmm dont you get it . if you get rid of that bird , burns is at your mercy . get rid of a bird . no way . their eyes are so expressive . fool . youve learned absolutely nothing from my one hour class . homie , whats wrong . i have a plan to get to the top but i have to do some pretty rotten things to get there . im not sure i could look at myself in the mirror or any polished metal . well , if you dont know the right path to take you have to be very quiet and listen for that little voice inside that tells you what to do . do it , dad . you could get a less crappy car . bart , you can hear us . oh , yeah . from my room , i can hear everything . me too . the walls are paper thin . ugh . hi . and it wouldnt hurt you to put up some curtains . this is it , boy . with this bird gone , the plant will be mine for the taking . now , fly to the canary islands . smithers , its an emergency . maroon alert . or even vermilion . the owner of the plant is gone . all thats left is this little mirror he used to amuse himself . hello , pretty boy . thats quite a beak on you . hoo hoo . who wants a kiss . who wants a kiss . mr . burns , the nuclear regulatory commission is here for inspection . ah . good lord . that canary was supposed to be my pigeon . i need to find a patsy quick . hello . yes , hello . now i need to find a patsy . hello . youre quite the friendly fellow . but right now im looking for a patsy . hello . bumbling fool . i keep telling you im looking for a patsy . hello . oh . this moon faced simpleton is continually interrupting my search for a patsy . why to . hello . why are you looking at me like that . now , a few more details about this years company picnic . its at the plant , no food will be served , the activity will be work and the picnic is canceled . aw . i would like to add to any nuclear inspectors in the crowd that the titular head of the plant is now mr . homer j . simpson . thats right . and as my first act mr . burns , youre fired . that mans mad . smithers , get this bedlamite an alienist . no . its entirely within my power . furthermore , there never were any nuclear inspectors . check and mate . now king me . so the caterpillar has emerged from its cocoon as a shark with a gun for a mouth . i only have one thing to say to that bravo . huh . we clashed lances on the champs de mars and i have been bested . the plant is yours . treat her well . mr . burns . yes . eat crowd , old man . hey , goodbye hey , that looks like fun . do me . yay . homer . homer . homer . mr . burns reign of terror is over . yay . and today begins my reign of terrific management . i thought he was gonna say terror . i didnt think he was . unlike mr . burns , i will respect you , the working class slob because we are all equals . and now , as i ascend this crystal staircase to my office i say , avert your gaze . yay . hmm . hmm . that is so cool . bart , open the door . now , open it again and put a walnut in there . dad , please . youre the head of a major corporation . youre right . put two walnuts in there . dad , have you looked at this earnings report . sweetie , these things are gonna take time . i just found the door shutting thing . ha , oh , yeah . now im forcibly retired , i feel i should give back to society and do some charitable work . but first , i want to take a lot of opium . uh , if you say so , sir . uh , excuse me . do you know where i can buy some , uh , drugs . drugs . everything is drugs . banana made of drugs , monkey made of drugs . look , all market made of drugs . id like to buy this . only american money . our money is made of drugs . to make this plant economically viable , youve gotta lay off people . if you dont patch the leak in cooling tower you will go to jail . oh , i need a vacation . this is your vacation . cant i water ski a little bit . fine . homer , ill go over the year end profit forecast if youll stop looking at my boobs . no deal . i got a gold star at school today for my expos on toxins in gold star adhesive . thats great , honey . hold it up to the camera . homie , i know youve got a lot of work to do but this really isnt the same as eating dinner with your family . look , there is nothing more important to me than you guys . i think best quality pork chops . dad , this just isnt working . lisa , i deeply resent with a big bowl of applesauce . hey , dad , you said you were gonna play catch with me . well , i have to work . but give the monitor a kiss . i dont wanna do that . come on , boy . youre not too old to kiss your daddys monitor . hey , thats a printer port , not a finger hole . homie . hey , honey . sorry im so late . i had to lay off robots . dont tell me they cant cry . check it out . im tomokazu ohka of the montreal expos . oh , yeah . well , im esteban yan of the tampa bay devil rays . and im the man at the ballpark everyone hates . the umpire . no , billy crystal . barts growing up without me . he wont be forever . knock , . ah . mr . burns . wheres mr . smithers . hes doing years on an opium bust . i never saw a man take to a turkish prison so quickly . how did you ever run this place . you gotta turn away your family , fire your friends work until the wee hours of the afternoon . simpson , i worked here for three score and twain . thats years in the new english . i want to show you something . these are people in my life i could never find time for because i was too busy working . this was my fiance , gertrude . i was working so hard , i missed our wedding , honeymoon and our divorce proceedings . she died of loneliness . loneliness and rabies . do you see why i brought you here , simpson . yes , . if i keep putting work first , ill lose everyone i care about just like you did . thank you , mr . burns . thank you for steal my plant , will you . by the time you wake up youll be walled inside my mausoleum forever . what are you doing . scream all you like . no one will hear you . all right . ah . dont know why youre trying to steal the plant back . i dont want it . oh , keep begging . youre just wasting precious oxygen . brick by brick , i seal his doom . there you go . hey , dad , pitch to me . from now on , my only ambition is to be the worlds greatest dad . hey , you nearly hit me on the head . quit crowding the plate . ugh . oh , you want a piece of me . you see , this is the stuff mom wont do with me . yeah . ow . ow . he bit me . you saw him . he bit me . you little shh . springfield . ah . before we begin , may i remind you , school computers are not to be used to access principalskinnerstinks . com , skinnersucks . org or shavethisskinner . edu . he didnt say anything about skinnerlnashredder . com . lets make this the best year ever . today we have a special guest a documentary filmmaker whose works include lost luggage , shattered lives and upskirt dreams . please welcome declan desmond . thank you . now , when you think of documentaries you probably think of the maysles brothers and barbara kopple . well , theyre not good enough to wipe my lens . heres a look at my work . a film i made about krusty burger do you want lies with that . does it bother you that krusty uses mad cow beef to save money . no . because they pass the savings on to me , the consumer . arent you ashamed to lend your likeness to substandard food . look , i give people a meat like burger and some kind of cola and they still get change back from their . your customers may be shocked by my footage of you stapling together abandoned , half eaten burgers . good as new . ew . powerful . now hes gonna make a documentary about springfield elementary which i assume will be glowing and positive unlike all of his other work . right . now , everyone , while im filming , please be yourselves . i want to see troubled children brooding , bullies doling out what for what about us cool kids . should we just chill out . youre doing great . stay with the dink . america is supposed to be a democracy . but in the schoolyard , cool rules . and springfields machiavelli of the monkey bars is one bartholomew simpson . on todays royal agenda ow . munch mud , simpson . im telling . oh , man . and in a flash barts glory has gone the way of englands masculinity . its a dangerous life being a hall monitor . when you leave home in the morning you may be kissing your dolls goodbye for the last time . my sash says ultraman . i think weve seen enough . you should realize that our school is not all nitwits and nelsons . why dont i open a door at random . why , look . its typical student lisa simpson . oh , hello . ive just been listening to bach while reading at a sixth grade level . indeed . hitting it off already . i havent seen such a natural pair since half sandwich and soup of the day . ill leave you two alone . remember , as far as he knows , we still teach math . hmm , lisa , i cant help but wonder if this is a bit of a put on . why , whatever do you mean . whoa . huh . what . go , aberdeen . ha , you cant blame principal skinner for wanting to feature his best student . and thats you . well , i am young , gifted and yellow . my interests include music , science , justice , animals , shapes , feelings . so you see yourself more as a buffet style intellectual . picking and nibbling until one day youre and managing a barnes noble . hey , thats not gonna happen . lisa , im afraid youre a dilettante . pick a path and follow it . or youll grow up , slog your way through mount holyoke and squeeze out babies . stop it . since nelson nailed you with that dirt , no one thinks youre cool anymore . even that kid that wears diapers is more popular . and he aint popular . so . ill bounce back . i always bounce back . like after the time i accidentally called the teacher mom . even i beat you up that day . after you passed out . whats that hood ornament doing around your neck . i snapped it off some jerks car . i could go to prison for life , but whatever . ah . wow . the only way to be cooler than him is to do what he does . ive gotta steal me a hood ornament . but how . is something wrong , kids . you havent touched your dinnerables . nelson steals a hood ornament and now hes king of the school . all thats left for me is to become the biggest drunk this towns ever seen . pfft . talking wont get you there . lisa , whats bumming you out . they cancel a test or something . dad , my life lacks direction . its a concern . a serious concern . hey , i never chose a path . and because i kept my options open , i can finally do what i want . and whats that . im gonna die alone . gotta pick a career . gotta pick a career . i can find a good career at this museum . or at least see if they fixed that mislabeled raccoon i complained about . hmm , maybe i could be an expert on dinosaurs . dont do it , little girl . i spent years brushing the teeth of dead monsters . maybe geology . formed by unimaginable heat and pressure deep inside the earth minerals explode in a vast panoply of ew . since the dawn of time travelers looking for guidance have turned to the heavens . polaris , the star of the north mighty orions belt the majestic milky way home of a familiar blue planet we call rigel vii . not too far from earth . we have only scratched the surface of the universe . who will discover the wonders that lie beyond our galaxy . will it be you or you . or you . thats it . lisa simpson , astronomer . now who will press my reset button . will it be you . or you . or you . oh , dad , look at this one . sweetie , daddy doesnt have enough money for that . unless they take a check . we certainly do . boing . why did you say that . your check gonna bounce . no , ha , of course not . duh . why did you say that . are you implying im dumb . ah , i have to go . oh , my god . space monsters are invading us . dad , thats a moth . oh . well , where do i twist this thing to make funny patterns . dad , thats a kaleidoscope . you may be a smart kid but you dont know much about not hurting peoples feelings . okay . at p . m . venus will be visible at degrees . hiyo . oh , its beautiful . what happened . thanks a lot , surviving beach boys . okay . jupiter should be somewhere around here . hmm hey . for three seconds there , you were legally the mayor . yeah . and you was a girl , joe . it should be dark enough to see the stars up here . you stole my stars , springfield . no one ever wrote a poem about sickly orange barf glow . i know exactly how you feel , young lady . what you are seeing is light pollution . light pollution . for astronomers like me this is a bigger problem even than i dont know say , getting a date , which is difficult for the geeky people . weve gotta do something . i know . maybe we can get people to sign a petition . well , id like to help , i would . but if i leave this observatory , another astronomer will move right in . theyre like hermit crabs . they theres one now . i see you . you said he was out of microscopes . hey , check out this hood ornament i stole . with this glinting gewgaw the beta male attempts to reclaim leadership of his herd . oh , thats good narration . thats not a hood ornament . its a pacifier you spray painted silver . ha , . wait , thats not right . ha , . oh , look . its jill of . so , whats the ambition du jour . im collecting signatures to bring back the night sky . wow , the night sky . how did you come up with that , tilt your head up . does it make you feel superior to tear down peoples dreams . yes . does it make you feel smart to question peoples motives . yes . well , all right then . hi . im trying to reduce light pollution . argh . id be happy to scrimshaw your petition . people of springfield , ive heard your pleas . whether youre an idealistic stargazer like lisa or a faded southern belle who needs the forgiving cloak of night to seduce nave young delivery boys with more pizza than common sense i say springfield will be the dimmest city in america . look up at the stars , springfield . for eons , people have gazed at the skies and seen into their souls . oh , stop . look out , matthew modine and charlene tilton . there are new stars in town sky stars . now visible thanks to springfields latest cave in to the astronomer lobby . the best part is next week well get to see the deadly meteor shower . deadly meteor shower . named after its discoverer , professor artimus deadly who was , ironically , killed in the shower of . the last time those meteors came , we thought the sky was on fire . naturally , we blamed it on the irish . we hanged more than a few . uh oh . sounds like some bad eggs are cooking up trouble . mm bad eggs . check it out . this is great . its darker than a french chicks armpit . oh , every car has been harvested . ive got to get that hood ornament . no matter who owns it . that bird touched my car . you know what to do . youre gonna be drinking worms through a straw . springfields pro darkness policy has resulted in vandalism unmatched since the detroit tigers last made the playoffs over two centuries ago . the government has issued an orange alert which , once again , means nothing . time to get that hoods ornament . buonasera , fat tony . i park your car the way mama used to do . why , thank you . and may i say your mustache looks thick and hearty . fully italian . try the cheese pizza . its greasy like , uh , you . youre gonna depreciate a mafia dons car . hey , heh , were all gonna be murdered someday . two , four , six , eight . its time to reilluminate . mr . mayor , you cant flip flop on this . well miss the meteor shower . oh , i dont know how you keep getting past security . luigi , i appreciate your courtesy valet service . i made a note on your card in my rolodex dont whack . thank you , fat tony . thank you . but at the risk of enraging you by making you look stupid we have no valet parking . you mean that with a mustache was a phony . you know , bart , i really like spending time with you . just hold the light . i cant see nothing . lets fire blindly into the dark . no . you might hit a made man . they want light unh . by god , theyll get light . no . end of the line . hey , youre not john ritter . and you aint that gorilla from the zoo . eh . eh . okay , you filthy booze bags, , its a . m . so , uh , whos the designated driver . it was andy . no ones ever won moes drink a challenge . and no one ever will . ah , life is good . hey , what happened . its bright in the middle of the night . you know what this reminds me of . my icelandic boyhood . its this new anti crime dealie . the mayor turned the street lights way up . my daughter lisa feels really strongly about it . pro or con . i dont know . what am i , super dad . boy , this light has really screwed up the animals . ill bet somewhere theres a horse drinking coffee . i havent slept in seven days . and ive gotten so much ironing done . live from new york , its saturday night . dad , this lack of sleep is making mom and maggie crazy . dont you think youre overreacting , talking gumball machine . or an assemblyman on the take . forget it . its so bright out , you cant see anything in the sky except the fox satellite . no , i got my eyes on the prize . the hood ornament i desperately want for reasons i can no longer remember . the only thing stopping me is those lights . huh . bart , i just realized we both want the same thing darkness . and we can get it if we work together . with my brain and your , uh your assistance you can say it . i add nothing . you cant have light without power . and all the power comes from here . howd you get dad to go along with this . in his sleep deprived state , hes very suggestible . okay , dad you are now playing patty cake with maggie . palm recognized . access granted . aw , my babys first words . hmm now we merely push this switch to overload . yet once we do , well be breaking the law . can good truly come from civil disobedience . gandhi thought so , but gandhi also said less talk , more rock . uh oh . all the lights are out . you better get the entire force working on this . but , chief , we are the entire force . okay . we gotta start recruiting , lou . ugh , look at all those shards of glass . ill catch them on my tongue for luck . ow , . it worked . i got my sky back . dad , look . night . glorious night . uh oh . there they are . there they are . i cant read porno by candlelight . who am i , abe lincoln . i say tear them limb from limb . yeah . huh . look . oh , theyre beautiful . my god . im not angry anymore . whoa , i dont need drugs to enjoy this . just to enhance it . paint your palette blue and gray look out on a summers day with eyes that know the darkness in my soul i wish jimmy the snitch could see this . well , just open the trunk . and i thought this was gonna be a bad night . oh , great glayvin in a glad bag . that meteor contains carbon based molecules . i may be able to prove the existence of life in outer space . ha , . shut up . this is even better than our screen saver . and i love our screen saver . nicely done , lisa . thanks , mom . i wish god were alive to see this . they would not listen theyre not listening still perhaps they never will a day in the life of springfield elementary . where do you think you will be in seven years . im gonna live with underground grandma . im gonna go to a two year technical school then work in a garage . ugh . sellout . ugh . yuppie . soccer mom . ill be batting . in the majors . yes . did you get that , simon . brilliant . right . lets go to moes . shh . springfield . ah . i wonder what mom came up with for this weeks family wednesday . i hope its as fun as pictionary was last week . we werent playing pictionary . that was an intervention to stop your drinking . what . are you sure . aw , ha , . oh , that takes me back . here it is . this weeks family activity . oh , a jigsaw puzzle . concert in golden gate park . ages to . we know when were not wanted . hmph . the box says its a perfect way to spend the day . and why would a box lie to a person . the first step is the funnest , turning all the pieces face up . go crazy , dorks . i got better things to do . hey , bart , i fixed my rock tumbler . what do you say we turn this baby loose on some feldspar . im in . oh , i hate this . its making me use my arms . hey , these two pieces are already connected . were halfway there . hmm does anyone have any swan heads . ive got nothing but necks . cant help you . all i got is gray . anybody working on a cement wall . turn it over , homer . oh , right , ha , . chinese guy . chinese guy . frisbee dog . oh , look how late it is . lets get you kids some coffee . homer , no scissors . its how the pros do it . sky , with building grass , with foot barts so poor , he has to eat cardboard . what are you eating . drywall . hey , kids . uh , were worried about your dad . he aint been to work for a week . whats he doing now . is he a rodeo clown . is he poochie again . hes working on a jigsaw puzzle . oh , i guess hes done with all the fun stuff . now lets see . this is either an old coconut or tom hayden . gee , homer , thats super . ow . my eye . im not supposed to get jigs in it . i cant believe our family finished a project this complicated . its the only worthwhile thing i ever made that wasnt lisa . prove me wrong , silent bob . oh , thats quite a thingamajigsaw , but it looks like youre missing a piece . looks like youre missing a wife . ha , i walked right into that one . hes right , dad . were missing that singers head . this is awful . its like listening to schuberts unfinished symphony . or when i messed up taping city slickers il and cut off the end . was curlys gold just a legend . or like when i got nothing . uh , lets just find that piece . hey , remember that pet gerbil we used to have . he didnt run away after all . puzzle piece , come out and play . hey , whats this . marges memory chest . aw , marge saved all this stuff from when we were going out . fake business card i made to impress her . t shirt from our first rock concert . meauxs tavern grand opening . that was back when his floors were sticky with promise . welcome to meauxs . home of the finest bar crystal in springfield . shouldnt have cheaped out on the shelf . i cant believe how young we looked in my memory . hey , theres writing on the back of this . dear homer i cant believe youre making this the worst night of my life . huh . you leave me sitting here all alone while you play video games with your neanderthal friends . marge , come here . i need both hands for this game . can you feed me nachos while i play . why dont you just stop playing . tell that to the brave crew of the s . s . triangle . its the evil rocks . take that . homer , i really dont wanna feed you . come on . youre always saying we should do things as a couple . oh , this is wonderful . i love you atari . video games and too much beer . you sure know how to show a girl a good time . well , i aims to please . hey , lets stop by that dumpster and make out , ha , . hold that thought . young man , youve ingested a dangerous amount of alcohol . the only dangerous amount is none . lets go to the ihop . im driving . all right , come on . hey . ow . okay , burger king . whatever . get his leg . tonight , i learned the two of us cant work . i dont want a life of watching you get drunk then holding back your long , beautiful hair while you vomit . i have my own dreams . and i cant live them with you . why did she stay with me if she hated me so much . hey , two days later , she had a doctors appointment . nausea , cravings , knocked up feeling . she was pregnant with bart . and thats the reason she stayed with me . i found the missing puzzle piece . it was under maggies eyelid . how about that . its james taylor . oh , the popular singersongwriterpuzzle piece . james taylor . homie , remember that song we used to sing . mockingbird yeah . yeah . whatever . homie , whats wrong . marge , did i ruin your life . oh , is this about that billboard my sisters put up . no . the voters will decide that in november . i was talking about this . hmm . oh , my god . i forgot all about this . where did you find it . more like where didnt i find it . it was practically everywhere . homer , im sorry you saw that , but i was very upset that night . quit changing the subject . how do you feel about me right now . well , i love you , of course . but a lot of things you do still drive me crazy . so you mean our whole marriage youve been resenting me behind my back . a little bit , yeah . fine . ill go sleep with someone who does appreciate me . time to repress another memory . i am at disneyland . disneyland . you made your own breakfast . looks like you had a problem with those scrambled eggs . it was a muffin . ill fix you something . oh , i get it . your stupid husband is too drunk to do it right . well , there are a lot of beer cans around here . oh , so you dont like it . what other secrets have you been hoarding to use . homer , let it go . its not always gonna be perfect . weve been married for years . oh , i didnt realize youve been counting the years . is it that horrible living with me . this morning isnt a barrel of laughs . it is to me . marge , i cant live like this . im tired of walking around on eggshells . maybe if you didnt throw them on the floor . now youre just making up rules . who made you judge judy and executioner . dad , where are you going . kids , sometimes when a daddy learns that a mommy always hated him he needs some time away to think . youre not gonna get divorced like milhouses parents , are you . ha , . oh , no , . this is nothing like milhouses parents . now , if you need me , ill be staying with milhouses father . uh , welcome to my place . i just have a few rules . if you see a necktie on the doorknob , im with a lady . you dont have a doorknob . i dont have a tie either . just go label your food . oh , luann . luann . my money . arlene . do i dare to go up . or is the love that waits behind that window just a lie . uh , homer , i think you want your house next door . pfft , stupid flanders with his misleading silhouette . well , i guess i have no choice but to go back home and hey . i never noticed that newspaper box . apartment finder . we put you in your place . roommate wanted for three bedroom apartment . spacious , river view , only a month . thank you , news box . ah . its gone . all right . i got me a place to put my spiderses . what a well kept street . and there sure are a lot of gay bookstores for a straight neighborhood . its a cinch these guys never had any kids . hey , mr . smithers . ha . hello , simpson . whats the deal with this place . its so manly , yet scented . ha , . yes , i seem to have gotten lost on my way to the , uh big auto , uh , racing festival . so ive never been here before . hey , waylon . whos the bear . woof . oh , is that the mr . burns youre always talking about . no . hes nobody . shut up , stewart . nice to meet you , stewart . homer , before you move in you should know that julio and i have an active social life . me too . im a member of this club where if i eat one more sub , i get a free sub sandwich . you probably saw the ad where this guy used to be fat but now hes just ugly . homer , what grady is saying is that how can i put this . look , we might have a cocktails , say , where all the guests are male . are you trying to tell me that you guys are those guys that like guys . thats right , homer . were gay . you are . hmm . which will win out . my old fashioned prejudices or that ive already mixed my laundry with yours . ill have to sleep on it . hes sleeping in the pantry . ah . my spices . you guys lead a fascinating life . why are you reading the new york times . you dont live in new york . oh , i despise the springfield shopper . what is that . the headlines are jokes . mm . whered you buy this . from the guy on the exit ramp . disgusting . calm down , picky ricardo . he made us a great breakfast and youre just riding his butt and not in a good way . thank you , homer . its a pleasure cooking for you . well , get used to it because im gonna stay . fabulous . heres the key to the lotion cabinet . grady , are you sure you want to live with him . its either him or that girl who put mother earth as a reference . and with a male roommate , we can walk around naked . way ahead of you . woo . dont worry , sweetie . your father wont stay mad forever . its so weird not having dad here . i cant fall asleep if i havent read him his bedtime story . hello . hold on . nancy drew let out a low whistle . this isnt an old windmill at all . its a new windmill . no , dad . im sure she wont be killed . in a west end town , a dead end world the east end boys and west end girls west end girls west end girls that will be . i see . dad took us antiquing . yeah . along the way , we took photos of interesting doors and gates . your father sure can be thoughtful when he wants to be . marge , please . lets not fight in front of the kids . just secretly hate me the way you always have . i love watching you guys fight . its my earliest memory . why , you little . aah . dad , your hands feel so soft . you noticed . ive been using lancme . ugh . oh , it shows . i havent had a strangle that smooth since i was . well , i better go . but before i do , marge , theres something i wanna ask you . yes , homie . how much do you tip a leg waxer . i need to know by tomorrow . just go . and take your stupid lhasa apso with you . mom , i know dad cares about you , but his feelings are really hurt . why dont you just say youre sorry . lisa , marriage is a beautiful thing . but its also a constant battle for moral superiority . so i cant apologize . couldnt you just say youre sorry and not mean it . i do it all the time . i dont think ive ever meant it . thats not right . sorry , mom . see . its that easy . hmm . so how was your visit home . the kids are cool . but marge is still judging me . oh , so its over between you two . maybe it is . i used to look at marge and get the same tingle you get when you see rip taylor . i dont know whats gonna happen . come on , lets dance . hey , . whoo . yeah , baby . you go . i didnt think it was possible . but watching him makes me more lesbian . lesbian . this isnt my army reunion . youre coming home with me . yes , colonel . hes gay . hes gay . gay . gay . bi . gay . gay for pay . gay . tennessee williams . but how did he survive in the world of theater . homer , please . practically everyone whos acted in , produced , or even seen a play is gay . uh , homer , i think you should see this . homie , i tried to tell you how i feel but i cant find the right words . maybe he can . weird al yankovic . marge wrote me about what happened . and as soon as her check cleared , i was on the first flight here . you get the parody songs i sent you . ugh , yes . which one was better . living la pizza loca or another one bites the crust . they were pretty much the same . yeah . like you and allan sherman . now , heres a song i wrote for you . little ditty about homer and marge her heart was as big as his stomach was large oh , yeah , they say love goes on long after the grilled cheese sandwich is gone it would take a man of stone with a funny bone of steel to resist that . homer , would you at least let me take you out on a date . i dont know . date a chick with kids . dad all right , all right . nice work , lisa . thanks , julio . i love you as a blond . you do . oh , god , lisa , if i was an straight boy i would be holding your hand right now . oh , wait . marge likes a little bit of stubble . uh oh . gotta even it out . somebodys nervous . well , we got the cure for that . margaritas . margarita . thats mexican for marge . ill take that as a sign . where is he . where is he . who dares challenge ye black knight . step forward if ye be free of lower back pain , heart conditions , and pregnancy . and please turn off thy cell phones and pagers . ive learned a lot living here . it doesnt matter what someones sexual preferences are unless theyre a celebrity . in which case , its dish , . homer , werent you supposed to meet your wife half an hour ago . doh . you dont have a gay time machine , do you . yes . its called gradys shoe closet . ha . hey , julio . ouch . i gotta go . oh . oh , lordy . now for ye knights and wenches delectation i have some royal proclamations . we welcome cub scout troop number . we wish a happy birthday to karen . congratulations to marge and homer simpson on their reconciliation dinner . oh , sorry im late . the velvet mafia made me a margarita i couldnt refuse . goodbye , homer . i try to save our marriage . you just get drunk and spend the whole night with your homosexual boyfriends . reverend lovejoy , mrs . lovejoy , principal skinner , duffman . fact is , certain people arent right for each other . you gave it a chance , it didnt work . at least you tried . but it was marge , my first and only love . im like david spade without chris farley , alone and useless . oh , homer , a guy as cool and special as you will have no trouble believe me . wow . wow . i never realized you felt about me that way . we should take some time to talk id just end up hurting you . i was just thinking , my problems with marge started because i drink too much . and then tonight , alcohol only made things worse . maybe all of my problems are actually caused by yeah , . take your medicine , you lush , you . hey , what happened here . uh , he was drinking at harrigans bar down the street there . they ought to close that dump down . yeah . that was a close call . we took this much out of you . but its still not as bad as the first time i treated you . oh , yeah . the night that destroyed my marriage . destroyed your marriage . why , id never seen a woman look so devoted . lets look at the tape . you have that on tape . mm , it was back when i thought the nurse was stealing sponges . hes stable now . ill leave you two alone . homie , i was so worried about you . i was really mad at you tonight . but youre a good person . and thats whatl see most of the time . whatever problems we have we have a lifetime to work them out together . so she didnt hate me . she married me because she loved me . and i still do . marge , i never wanna be apart from you again . well , youll never have to . that is the best kiss ive had tonight . or was it . homie , what are you thinking . manly thoughts . all i have left now are my tapes . she was stealing sponges . i knew it . thats a story about homer and marge two folks i helped out for a nominal charge after homer went gay they patched up their schism but the dude never dealt with his alcoholism weird al saying oh , yeah , the credits go on long after the viewers interest is gone oh , yeah weird al had fun on this show even if it was just a brief cameo shh . springfield . the simpsons se episode script dude , wheres my ranch . the simpsons dude , wheres my ranch . doh . ah . silver bells , silver bells its christmas time in the city oh , that is like so moving . yo , family , isnt that beautiful . mm hm . walking in a winter wonderland exquisite . just exquisite . makes me wish i hadnt released the hounds . should i call them off , sir . no , . its their christmas too . have a nice christmas have a nice christmas have a nice christmas non christian friend thats even worse than im dreaming of a whitefish christmas . for this , i tied my bathrobe . just hear those sleigh bells jingling cease and desist . you are forbidden to perform that song without paying royalties to the owner . nobody owns christmas carols . they belong to everyone , like grapes at the grocery store . not true . but you are welcome to sing the many public domain carols such as o tannenbaum , good king wenceslas jesu , joy of mans desiring . those suck . theyre worse than nothing . i could write way better songs . go . but dont use a flat or g natural . those are owned by disney . oh . thats a flat . oh . thats better . thats it . im writing a christmas carol . if i can make my own clothes , i can do anything . christmas in december whoa , give me tons of presents now , homer . writing a new christmas carol . maybe . well , the bible says its fun to do stuff together . theres a stranger in the manger and his name is love take it , homer . oh , i got it . you want me to stay out here and work on the chorus . flanders , i am a patient , reasonable , handsome man . but even i have my limits . now , beat it . why , thank you , homer . with that stupid jerk bothering me all the time and . wait a minute . everybody in the u . s . a . hates their stupid neighbor hes flanders and hes really , lame flanders tried to wreck my song his views on birth control are wrong i hate his guts and flanders is his name f l hes the man thatl hate best id like to see his house go up in flame excuse me . ive been researching indigenous folk music of springfield . i couldnt help overhearing your delightfully cruel hate song . david byrne . singer , artist , composer , director , talking head . singer , artist , composer , director , talking head . and i used to wrestle under the name el diablo . i thought that was philip glass . yeah , he wishes . hey , mister , if you like my song so much , would you like to buy a tape . its already rewound . no , thanks . but i would like to sing it with you and produce it . ugh , fine . f l his name is ned e r thats a stupid name hes worse than frankenstein or dr . no you cant upset him even slightly he just smiles and nods politely then goes home and worships nightly his leftorium is an emporium of woe f l dont yell at ned d e his wife is dead everybody hates that stupid jerk springfield rocks with homers joyous loathing filling clubs with angry valentinos you dont have to move your feet just hate flanders to the disco beat hes your perky , peppy nightmare neighborino if you despise polite left handers then i doubt youll like ned flanders or his creepy little offspring rod and todd thats us . hurray . f l his name is ned e r hes so white bread the smiling , mustached geek who walks with god mass dismissed . hey , what are we gonna wear tomorrow . were halfway through our same song six pack . now lets hear william shatners version of everybody hates ned flanders . ah . another cover . my god , let it die . everybody in the u . s . a . hates their stupid neighbor hes the flanders man , the flanders man flanders i am so sick of that song . ugh , me too . ive come to hate my own creation . now i know how god feels . why dont we take a vacation and get away from that song for a while . why dont we take a vacation and get away from that song for a while . well , i guess we could afford one nice trip . i still think you shouldve left that at the motel . what . it said take one . balloon ride , wax museum , the denzel washington monument colonial phoenix . hey , dude ranch . and theres no radio or tv so we wont have to hear your song . sweet . or we could go to walter gropius bauhaus village . and fight the crowds . forget it . the simpsons are going to barts idea . this dude ranch is gonna be great . a whole week without hearing that stupid song . you wont think its stupid when you hear the extended salsa mix . watch it , mr . byrne . youll slip on the simonize . simonize . whoa , . can you take me to the hospital . yeah , no problem . wasnt that the hospital . uh , you ever see the movie misery . actually , no . then thisll all be new to you . welcome to the lazy i ranch where we give you a week of rustic ranch living . do you have an internet connection . internet . son , the only internet connection we got is a dedicated dsl port in the business center . or you could patch in through the smart fridge in your cabin . hmm , if said fridge is smart , it will be filled with hot pockets and bologna by the time i get there . goodbye . on this battleground in and four brave americans lost their hats . those poor hats . this whole ranch is appalling . its built on a legacy of cruelty to animals and oppression of indigenous people . just our way of making yall feel welcome . youre not listening . i never do . yee haw . ill show you how they get on a horse where i come from . daddy , i need upsies . coming , sweetie . huh . well , he sure shut us up . mm hm . yee haw . i really dont wanna do a lot of flip de . no problem . you can hop on the chuck wagon with cookie here . pleased to meet you . have a tooth . hey , crabby hayes , get with the program . im sick of this horse slapping and cow taunting . im going to my room . hold it right there . mama rattlesnake would be mighty sore if you scrambled her youngun . luke stetson , junior wrangler . im lisa simpson . and youre the first person ive met here who cares about our animal equals . well , if you like animals , you wont wanna disappoint that pony over there . shes just aching to show you around . im sure shed be happier without someone sitting on her back all day . sorry youre not interested because i need somebody to help me hang these no hunting and free tibet signs . that was a delicious meal , cookie . what do we do with our garbage . leave it for cleanie . my precious . would you like to be photographed in my great grandfathers headdress . he unified the nations of the western plains . five dollars or three for . can you shoot one where im rambo and my wife is betty boop . you mean package b . and this is supposed to save our marriage . i thought you guys lived off the land . how come youre selling junk to jerks like us . used to live and farm in a bountiful valley . then the river was dammed to make that lake by our ancient enemy , the beaver . why dont you just chase the beavers away . unfortunately , the beaver is also our god . in retrospect , it was a poor choice . you people are guests in our country . and the beaver have no right to treat you that way . if i get back your land , will you promise to build a casino on it . sure . and when we do , your breakfast will be comped . how many decks will your blackjack dealers use . eight . three . four . deal . my brother . wow . oh , luke . i didnt gasp like that until i was . all right , son , we just knock over this dam and the noble native americans can reclaim the land that is theirs . no . i wanted to die choking on food . ill save you . so long , suckers . ha , . uh oh . aah . aah . stop shoving . the little one isnt getting any . aah . thanks for making me feel better about this place , luke . lisa , this heres the new west where we respect our equine and bovine americans . uh , well , maybe we should just mosey on over this way . ah . free range my ass . tonight youre gonna be swimming next to a matzo ball . i think maybe we should just look at the clouds . well , aint that pretty . oh , it looks like a happy sheep . oh . oh , damn it . shucks , lisa . you sure have taken a shine to that cowpoke . mom , why are you talking like that . dont rightly know . i just soaked up the lingo like a biscuit in a bucket full of gopher gravy . ill stop now . well , i like it here too . luke has shown me the gentle side of the old west . hes really sophisticated for a . thir what . lisa , youre only . but when hes ill be . lisa , you dont know what youll want in the future . i didnt marry the first boy i well , i did , but you shouldnt . ha , . wanna play a little longer . its only and the moon is awful big . well , heck , you should see it when its full . oh , no . theyre making beautiful music together . lets see . move that there . do a flanking maneuver there . wind should be coming in from the south . time it to coincide with beaver holiday . this map is useless . useless . homie , im worried about how fast our kids are growing up . its beef hormones and the fluorescent lights . what are you gonna do . theyre already acting like teenagers . lisas with that boy , and look at maggie . oops . i did it again i played with your heart got lost in the game oh baby , look , cookie . theres a dance tonight . a dance . a dance . whew . im pooped . im going to bed . bed . alrighty , ill see you tonight . and ill save you the first dance . love you too , clara . clara . hes got a girlfriend . i feel like such an idiot . hey , bottom bunks mine . keep going . i cant believe luke has another gal . my name is clara . ive known luke for more than five days . excuse me . is this the way to the lazy i ranch . yeah , it sure is . but a quicker way to the ranch is that shortcut . thanks , darling . see you at the dance . i look forward to it . i hate you . oh , boy . check it out , beavers . delicious motel furniture . they took the bait . lets go . uh oh . we forgot to empty the minibar . ah . thats a deck of cards . let it go , dad . quick . find the master log . theres always a master log . whoa . we did it . finally , man has triumphed over a small furry animal . treaty , bill , treaty peace pipe aficionado magazine . thank you . you have restored our village and our way of life . we would like to make you honorary members of our tribe . drink deep from these cups . the bear urine will make you strong . actually , its fresca . fresca . well , grab your partner and start swinging them dont forget the two drink minimum take your corner by the hand get adult videos on demand flash your teeth , lets see those smiles pay with visa , earn free miles yee haw . dang it . clara should be here by now . im sure shes just running late . or shes not coming because she doesnt understand how special you are . that sure dont sound like my sister . sister . you mean shes not your girlfriend . hell , no . they outlawed that in this state two years ago . need help . come with me . done something terrible . dont care . just totally caught in the moment . i have some sad news for yall . after this dance , im heading to jail . one of my stray bullets hit a texas ranger . but ill be back in six months . yee haw . blanks . they just dont feel the same . so i sent lukes sister down the wrong trail and hey , where did all this water come from . there used to be a trail here . and there used to be a beaver dam there . who are you , the used to police . unh . unh . help . help me . i cant swim . im one lesson short . how can we get across . hey , beavers , remember me , you buck toothed nerds . run across . im sorry . i only sent you the wrong way because i thought you were lukes girlfriend . well , that certainly justifies attempted murder . you know , there are more important things in this world than boys . and when hello , handsome . whats up , cootie breath . look at those stupid city slickers with their fur coats and pointy hats . homer , those are elk . i still hate them . go back to grosse pointe . lisa , clara told me about how you saved her last night . did clara tell you anything else . no . just that she felt mighty stupid for getting herself lost in them woods . listen , luke . its my fault clara got lost . i didnt know she was your sister and i wanted you all to myself . you would do that just for me . thats despicable . youre the kind of slicker my family left central park west to avoid . you got a lot of chutzpah , missy . goodbye . oh , i had my first crush . and all it did was make me do terrible things and then break my heart . lisa , welcome to love . its full of doubt and pain and uncertainty . but then one day , you find a man you love so much , it hurts . who is he . you , homie . whoo hoo . in your face , imaginary guy . hey , lets see if dads song is finally off the air . next , springfields latest one hit wonder the moe szyslak connection , produced by david byrne . moe , how do you like me . how do you like me . moe , why dont you like me . nobody likes me eh . we can spend another week at the ranch . yee haw . oh , that cant be good for the struts . shh . springfield . ah . glory , hallelujah teacher hit me with a ruler i cracked her in the bean with a frozen jimmy dean and she aint my teacher no more because shes dead mr . secretary , can you read the minutes of our last meeting . girls are yucky . seconded and carried . a fart was detected . martin denied it and so was ruled to have supplied it . good . security officer , anything on the scope . mm hm, , hmm . these batpants have been shredded by the riddler . no , just your ass . thats what i call my ass . oh . lisa is having a tea party . if i understand the female mind , and i do , theyre plotting against us . weve gotta get audio . uh , im on it . janey , more tea . operation ladybug is a go , eh . over . today , balthazar will tell us about global warming in the land beyond the rainbow . each year we lose seven species of gumdrops . lisa , this is your mother . the doctor says your butts too big . thats not mom . oh , someone is spying on us . no one told me thered be pulling . skinned elbows . all right . time to score some pity . mommy . dont worry , son . ill build you a new tree house . one so grand itll be an affront to god himself . can it have a rope ladder you can pull up after you . only if its an affront to god . hey , you passed the lumberyard . only losers buy wood . were going to natures lumberyard . isnt this dangerous . nothing beats flying across the country on a train . im impressed that you drew up blueprints but these are for a go cart track . hmm . did frank lloyd wright have to deal with people like you . actually , frank lloyd wright endured a lot of harsh criticism . i have no idea who frank lloyd wright is . you said his name two seconds ago . i was just putting words together . ha , gotcha . well , two can play at that game . ow . ha , . oh , thats it . you are going down . ha , . dont . stop it . that tree house is never gonna get built at this rate . time to call in the pros . didst thou hear that , isaac . aye . someone needs the amish . to the buggymobile . oh , the amish are so industrious . not like those shiftless mennonites . roll them bones . three craps . son , that tree house is gonna be bigger and better than ever . it really restores your faith in helpful weirdoes . bumblebee man , mi tree house is su bee house . reverend , love the cassock . moleman , looking good . very nice . did you do the wiring yourself . heck , no . the amish did it . who knows more about electricity than the amish . watch your step . dont panic . by going down the ladder , youre agreeing not to sue . head burning . legs freezing . middle very pleasant . oh , thank god . the dogs here . pull me free , boy . dont be scared . you can do it . hey , where you going . im your pal . i took you for a walk once . family head count . pointy , spiky , stylish aah . wheres baldy . whats the . wha . flames . searing pain . a black cat . i must be in heaven . homie , get out of that tree house . move the net under the window . theres no net . i always thought cats were just for losers who live in apartments until my life was saved by this sweet little kitty . but as for you , santas little helper you are a selfish coward and a bad dog . get out . and stay out . our little hero sure likes kahlua and cream . quit following me , you coward . you heard him , fleabag . get out of my bar . youre unsanitary . oh , how precious . the cats sitting in my dinner . no , . dont get up , sweetheart . ill just pick around you . here we go . mm . ha , . long live the hero cat of springfield . i make you lasagna . you eat it up like the cat in the funny papers whos not so funny . today i can truly say ich bin ein feline . and i hereby rename springfield dog park the snowball ii municipal cat park sponsored by buzz cola with lemon . damn , thats a lemony cola . mr . simpson , how long have you been a cat person . all my life , kent . i prefer catsup to ketchup . and to me , yusuf islam will always be cat stevens . terrific stuff . you must really love the broadway musical cats . god , no . it sucks . seems like youre quite the animal lover . do you have any other pets . a dog , perhaps . kent , let me make this perfectly clear . i have no dog . strong words . strong words from a strange man . strong words from a strange man . dont worry . well get you out of the doghouse . and then you and dad will be chasing butterflies together again . heres a role model for you , boy . rin tin . he was brave on and off the screen . he was the first openly gay dog in hollywood . he bit me right in the axis . see . now thats the kind of dog you should be . mailman . grow a mustache , says the wife . youll look handsome , says the wife . hmm , needs beer . why , you little . stop it , homer . thats inhumane . use the choke chain . fine . i want you to sit there , look through the window , and watch me eat a ham . marge , prepare the emergency ham . oh . this is the kind of shot you only get once in a lifetime . once in a lifetime . hmm . this photo gives me an idea . we mightve found our new duff spokesperson . hes young , hes slim , and he can stand on his hind legs . unlike our current spokesman . oh . duffman could use an eye opener . take a hike , duffman . youre a disgrace to the unitard . youre firing me . but what about my children . duffgirl and dufflad . oh , those were one shot characters in a super bowl ad . oh , yeah . according to this contract we have to change his name to suds mcduff . i dont care if his name is bony mcdork . just make the checks out to me . it also says we will receive royalties in perpetuity a bottomless keg of beer and unlimited use of the duff corporate jet . corporate jet . oh , pilot , lets swing by , oh , heidelberg . and drop in on oktoberfest . sweet . welcome back to the family , boy . dad , five minutes ago you hated him . who are you . my biographer . krusty , our animal today is the toxic pricker snake . very good . now , let me stand on my mark between the snake and its baby cut to commercial . hey , boy . this is your commercial . houston , we have a problem . this place is dullsville . how can you get a buzz chewing freeze dried beer . wha . its suds mcduff . where the shuttlecraft is genuine draft . whoo . oh , party . duff , the official beer of nasa . national association of the sellers of alcohol . why does a dog have human girlfriends . people do crazy things in ads . like eat at arbys . eight , nine , wads of cash . your dog has sent duff beer sales through the roof . boy , youre now second best in the family . right ahead of marge . there you are , old pal . ha , i finally found you . who the hell are you . im this dogs owner . i raced him at the greyhound track under the name santas little helper . good times . well , hes not yours anymore . you threw him out on christmas eve . yeah , dont listen to him , mr . duff vii . we took this dog in and loved him . and that makes him ours . oh , really . well , this tape says different . kent , let me make this perfectly clear . i have no dog . dad , you cant let him take our dog . my wads . i never even broke the wrapper . whos gonna eat my homework now . okay , boy , fetch . what do you do for fun . suds , youre looking great . did you have a bath or something . look , im talking to a dog . so , what do you think . if i keep talking here , kelly cant jump in . come on , suds . toss me a bone . poor santas little helper . hes overworked . suds , i hear youre doing game shows now . gelman , roll the clip . uh , things you buy in a dime store . uh , famous first ladies . uh , things your toothbrush might say . later that day , you had a book signing . that guy exploits his pets worse than bob guccione . well , im afraid the law is clear . and dad did renounce all claim to ownership . but i miss him . he was my best friend . aw , there , boy . ill help you get him back . he may have been a dirty stinking coward . but show me a simpson that isnt . im not a coward . youre not a coward . and thats beside the point because look , to get our dog back , we need a plan . a plan , eh . okay , well use a plan . this is where duffman lives now . but im not sure we should go in there . mom , we need him for our plan . im sorry , we have a six month residency limit . well , old gil is gonna surprise you . ill make something of myself , youll see . i uh hey . what do you use for anesthetic . a big mallet . gee , im starting to have second th look , theres duffman . okay , if you have liters of blood and your blood is percent alcohol how much alcohol do you have . anyone . hey , duffman . please , im not duffman anymore . just plain old barry duffman . oh , yeah , ha , . but we need you to be duffman again so we can get our dog back . but i like it here helping the less fortunate . it will be a cold day in hell before i shill beer again . an icy cold, , full bodied, , beech wood aged, , amber hued day in oh , who am i kidding . where is my trademark headgear . you really are duffman . then i must be jesus . up , and away . stay cool , hopeless drunks . oh , yeah . heres how well get our dog back . dad will pretend to drown and call suds to save him . but he wont because hes too cowardly . oh , yeah . once again , duffmans mug will be the only one you chugalug . give it a rest , barry . sorry , . now , to honor america navy paratroopers will jump from their planes and crown suds mcduff king of six packistan . all hail his royal duffness . this stunt cost million . help . help . im drowning . uh oh . who will save that poor fat man . i know wholl save him . the bravest dog in the world suds mcduff . that dog is a coward . and i know cowards . mother , i served in nam . and youve been bitching about it for years . everything is going according to plan . ill just keep thrashing around like an injured seal . now is your chance , duffman . you can save my dad and look like a hero . dont send a duff dog to do a duffmans job . hold on , sir . soon youll be filling your lungs with duff , light or new duff blue . tap in to the peppermint pleasure . are you there , god . its me , duffman . let me think . how did that beautiful young naked lady in jaws make it out alive . check it out . that sharks wasted . hes gone from predator to partier . the crowd is going crazy for that shark . guys wanna be him , girls think they can change him . everyone , say hello to our new mascot duff mcshark . duff mcshark . duff mcshark . duff mcshark . well , suds , it looks like youre no good to me anymore . you might as well be with a loving family . i missed you so much , boy . good to have you back with the simpsons . im sorry i was ever mean to you . marge , prepare the celebration ham . all we have left are the earthquake ham and the condolence ham . marge , theyre just hams , okay . well , boy , now that weve got you back , im never gonna let you go again . uh oh, , dad , i think he peed on the rug . to me , that says i love you . i think he left a big hug in your lunchbox . eh , its probably that stupid cat . that cat saved your life . what has he done lately . he woke you up when you stopped breathing last night . yeah , but he ate the last can of tuna . dad , you ate the last can of tuna . everyones against me . shh . springfield . ah . okay , kids , stay together . i appreciate you helping us out with this field trip . oh , a moms work is never done . hmm , i thought i was being kicked exceptionally hard lately . if i could be any type of shark , id be a tiger shark . how about you , milhouse . i guess a nurse shark . i mean oh . ow , . well , looks like mr . walrus and his family are enjoying their sunday brunch . shut up . what am i , some sort of joke to you people . now , over here is our newest exhibit , wonders of the gulf coast . oh . shut up . its not that exciting . the gulf is home to a breathtaking array of sea life . but oil spills are threatening its delicate ecosystem . hey , without oil , you wouldnt have your fancy four wheel drives . you want to go back to two wheel drive . well , do you . i didnt mean to steal focus . antarctic life is a constant struggle . these sea lions survive by eating the leftovers of the various film crews that plague the continent . hmm this tank is for our pacific habitat , which is currently being remodeled . where do you keep the fish till its done . oh , theyre well taken care of in our storage facility . in this tank we see some of the most exotic species of the coral reef . look , that giant clam appears to be opening . this could be a wonderful journal entry . look at the size of those flawless pearls . oh , i might have known . but i didnt . bart , get out of there . my boy . will he be all right . this kind of injury is routine . bart will be up and underachieving in no time . all i need is your insurance card . hmm , my husband has our card . no problem . is my husband there . i dont think hes here . uh , hang on . let me check . nope . what you wearing . okay , five more minutes and im chewing my hand off . bart , are you okay . oh , homie , where have you been . ive been calling all over for you . hey , take it easy . i went to the video store to rent a movie for the family . hes got a nose for news homer hmm . and a diaper full of headlines . hey , chief . hes editor in . that monkeys wearing a hat . lifetime films presents buttercups of autumn . i fear i have become a buttercup of winter . hush up , nana . thats fool talk . nana , shes so wise but no ones gonna benefit from her wisdom . look , hes misspelling words . nana . oh , shes so well , from now on , you need to get a cell phone so i can reach you . you just cant get a cell phone . lindsay naegle , veriqual cellular . and i can offer you a whole range of cellular solutions . can i get a phone that plays the mexican hat dance . i insist on it . i dance , i dance , i dance around the mexican hat i dance , i dance , i dance and thats the end of that or is it . i guess ill keep singing my cell phone appears to be ringing hey . barney , you ever notice how hard it is to drive with your knees . why dont get one of those hands free phones . its the next best thing to paying attention to the road . hands free, , eh . then i could give the brothers the black power salute . black power , black power . was that al roker . his exuberance is perplexing . we have headsets , but youd be mad to stop there . tell me , what is currently plugged into your cars cigarette lighter . uh , a lighter . i weep for you . these days , everything from fax machines to coffeemakers can be plugged into your dash hole . ill take them . dvd player , check . snow cone machine , check . lite brite, , check . fog machine even i think this is crazy . chaka khan , let me rock you let me rock you chaka khan , chaka khan whisk the egg whites into the batter mixture while scraping the edges with a very stiff rubber spatula . now lets look in on our hush puppies . ah . oh , my god . i gotta do something . come on , transmit . transmit . save me , chaka khan , chaka khan . oh , ill never mock the coast guard again . you navy rejects are all right . mr . simpson , give me your license . burn their poop . i am so screwed . i cant drive to work . i cant drive to the store . and i certainly cant drive to the store at work . i guess ill have to do all your driving chores . thats what a good wife does , picks up the slack . that reminds me . we gotta pick up my slacks at that dry cleaner in shelbyville . why cant you use the local dry cleaner . uh , i didnt want him to know my size . thanks for picking my friends up from the strip club , marge . can we stop for ice cream . homer always stops for ice cream . well see . that always means no . wheres your mother . i gotta get to moes . dad , moms been driving everyone everywhere . why dont you take public transportation . public transportation is for jerks and lesbians . oh , i guess ill walk . stupid walking . thighs chafing horribly . no drink holder . i miss my car so much . everyones driving but me . i cant drive because it only goes . i let go of the parking brake . ralphie , if you stop ill let you play with my gun . i did it . i walked all the way to moes from my house . way to go , dad . you know , i feel pretty good . maybe i should just keep walking instead of going into a dark , dreary bar . get in here , boozy . youre late for your drunkening . no . from now on , walking is my beer and feeling good is my hangover . hmph . huh . hey , maybe this is a sign . maybe its time to get out of the alcohol business give barber college another try . and this time , i wont join a frat . who the hell am i talking to . you know , all this walking is paying off . look how healthy i am . you see . im finally thin enough to wrap this thing around my arm . good for you , dad . could you get me some syrup . mm , . you see . before i probably wouldve driven to the syrup . kids , hurry up and eat . we have to leave for the dentist five minutes ago . we dont have time for choking . calm down , stresserella . unh , im stressed because now that youve lost your license im a full time family chauffeur . now , honey , we all appreciate what you do . but real chauffeurs have uniforms and licenses . you could get in a lot of trouble with the livery commission . to hell with the livery commission . you dont know what youre saying . what a day for a stroll . come on . what are you doing . seymour , the two of us could make good use of this time . indeed . you take this teacher evaluation test . ill proctor . read the directions silently as i read them aloud to you . look at those suckers in their metal coffins . i can go to work any way i want . psst . bishop to queen four . were playing dominoes . i said bishop to queen four . all right , all right , you . simpson , youre a menace . oh , george , leave the boy be . martha , i want a divorce . oh , george , youve made me so happy . youre the first one here . please accept this free ticket to the worlds fair . thanks , mr . burns . i owe it all to walking . walking , eh . let me give it a try . whoa . huh . well , id better drag myself to the hospital . oh , dear . smithers , scoop me up . how could you both miss the bus to school . we touched hands . then we had to wash the cooties off . whats all that rustling . my show and project . a peruvian fighting frog . hey , i brought a peruvian fighting frog . when will they stop . come nightfall . how about we take a family walk around the block . yay . i wanna amble . i wanna saunter . amble . saunter . amble . saunter . stop saying things . honey , you seem frazzled . why dont you come with us . hey , id like that . oh , i cant . i have to go pick up grampa . he proposed to another hooker at the bus station . you sure love driving . mm hm . morning , homer . looking good . walking has made a new man out of you . it sure has . you see this bulge back here . now it actually is a fanny pack . unh , no , wait . its still my ass . but your point is well taken . you see i like to walk down the avenue bust a move with disco stu you shake me from my booty to my fro yes , i strut down the boulevard burning off my excess lard i rarely feel the need to utter doh top of the morning , ladies . bite us . i can walk from springfield to alaska then hobnob with the stars in malibu hi , homer . im actor steve buscemi . the guy who got fed into the wood chipper in fargo . and when i hear you cant walk to turkmenistan i say , of course , i can screw you hey , would you guys like tickets to the independent film awards . would we . oh , i love to perambulate its standing still i really hate so let me please reiterate , i love to oh , my feet are inside me . i am so sorry , homie . how is your crushed pelvis . pretty good . thanks for asking . i dont know what happened . i saw you and i went for the brake but i hit the accelerator . its okay , marge . it wouldve been worse if i hadnt been carrying this bible in my crotch . marge , while homer recuperates im afraid youll have to do everything for him . thats okay . i can handle it . homie , why dont you just relax and have a little soup . aah . too hot . too hot . im sorry . im sorry . aah . hot . hot . hot . warm . tepid . cool . cold . cold . so cold . oh , youre really coming along , homie . yeah . the doctor says that soon my pelvis will actually be stronger and more beautiful than ever . gee , everything always works out for you . aah . oh , my god . let me help you up . marge , youre trying to hurt me . what . thats crazy . no , its true . the car , the soup . its like you hate me , your own husband . thats ridiculous . i dont like you . i mean hate you , hate you , hate you . i hate you . ive heard that from coworkers , strangers on the street even my own children . but i never thought id hear it from you . maybe we should see a counselor . whos we . got a mouse in your purse . manjula , im so glad you have finally forgiven me for having an affair . she used to elbow me in the face . next , please . ive been married to my husband for years and part of me wants to kill him . perhaps you feel that your husband sees you as less of a partner and more of a doormat . nothing could be further from the you could be onto something there . what . oh , sorry , i got a lot on my mind . thats okay . take your time . all right , before you came in , i asked you each to make a list of the people that are most important to you . homer , you first . theres homer j . simpson , and commander cool , a . k . a . me . thats us in a nutshell . i care so much about you , homer . but im not even on your list . excuse me . we gotta help her . if marge isnt happy , im not happy . and if im not happy , moe is very happy . but for once , this isnt about moe . what should i do , dr . hotdog . all right , i have an answer . you must perform for her one completely unselfish gesture . you mean , like give her full custody of the kids . yeah , full custody . thats exactly what i youre an idiot . unh . you gotta knock her off her feet with something utterly romantic . something that says , i care about you . i see . do you have any suggestions . i do . but the hours over . heres a dollar . romantic dinner . gotta go . you know what mom really loves . julienne potatoes . and for dessert , peach crumble . you wanna know how to make a peach crumble . kick it in the groin . ha . anyway , whats going on . im gonna treat marge to a romantic dinner to make up for all my shortcomings . hey , homer , if youre having a banquet for marge , id like to help . hey , me too . i can whip up my famous poulet au vin avec champignons la carl . mwah . you can bring a bag of ice . lousy homer . ill show him . tonight , his beloved mock apple pie will have real apples . wha . oh , my god . its so beautiful . hey , look , everybody , marge is here . oh , homie . you got everyone in springfield here for me . honey , i couldnt keep them away if i tried , except for flanders . he was mysteriously called out of town . i got your letter . im coming as fast as i can . tonight , were here to serve you . sit back and enjoy the finest foods springfield has to offer . i brought you me finest catch of the day . we lost a dozen good men . but its worth it just to see ye smile . wow . thats it , eh . twelve men . well , ive got some families to inform . unbelievable what . nothing . just a curse on your very soul . marge , i bring you the main course . elektra recording artist  slash political activist jackson browne . oh , the pretender . when homer told me about this special night , i just had to be a part of it . im here to serenade you with a song . yay . from my latest album . oh , no . oh . just kidding . heres one of my many classics . that i fixed with new words . you hooked up in high school now youve come so far then you started to hate him and hit him with your car so i threw you a fancy banquet and now you cant stay mad how about a make up snuggle . it would be so rad oh , im really touched by how much you care . i love you too . so , uh , you dont wanna kill me anymore . only with kisses . oh . oh , dont be a wuss . when you turn out the light ive got to hand it to me it looks like its me and you again tonight marjorie now id like to propose a toast to a woman whos done so much for us without getting anything in return . except a place to live and free food . why , you little now lets all raise our wine boxes to marge . hear , . to marge . unh , im so full , my control top panel is in shards . i wanna thank you all so much . youre welcome . and now , marge , we cooked , you clean . what . ha , only teasing . weve flown in the finest busboys from france uh , i mean , america . and now to all my dear friends , i say , get the hell out of my yard . shh . springfield . ah . next on comedy central , south park . i hear those kids voices are done by grown ups . hey , nothing wrong with that . i just wonder how they keep it so fresh after episodes . i cant believe we paid to see steve guttenberg calista flockhart and farty the crippled robot . calista flockhart and farty the crippled robot . look whos in my fart . o . j . im gonna kill you all . cartoon violence . cartoon violence . now , im gonna find the real killer . kids , that cartoons not life affirming . were going to watch a show about the everyday problems of angels . now back to good heavens . jesus called today . he did . im bored . hey , ive got an idea . lets tie a string around a fly . cool . do you think bugs feel pain . if they dont , ive wasted a lot of my life . i wish i could fly . then id be the most popular kid in school . knowing you , youd mess it up somehow . the fly is stuck in flanders house . ill go contact the nearest adult . theres no time . were going in . my eyeglass repair kit . let it go . well , what do you know . cats eat flies . sometimes i wish a cat would eat me . dude , were in flanders house , unsupervised . wow , lets go nuts . bright , brighter , brightest , off . bright , brighter , brightest , off . that is so gay . these losers are out of peanut butter . i know how to make some . peanuts , butter . now , we just put the top on . hey , i didnt get where i am putting tops on things . now , lets make jelly . i feel like luge silver medalist barbara niedernhuber . they wrote all the songs on maggies baby records . john lemon , orange harrison , paul mclced tea , mango starr . hey , bart , how about a blast from the past . a novelty beverage . hand it over . yellow matter custard dripping from a dead dogs eye . i dont feel so fab . the folks at the senior center will love that peach tree we planted . i wish we could see their happy faces . sin of pride , roddy . im sorry . sin of regret . ah . the house is slightly askew . to the panic room . daddy , im scared . scared of what . the funny camp songs were gonna sing . well be safe inside our fortress when they come well be safe from creeps and killers when they come unless they have a blow torch or a poison gas injector then i dont know whatll happen when they come okay , home invaders , we dont want to hurt you . we just want to talk . well , if you just wanna talk about eddie sleeping with my ex wife . the divorce was final . when is a divorce ever final . all right , lets move in . all right , perps . we know youre in here somewhere . well , looks like a couple of punks are gonna be taking the last train to clarksville . thats the monkees , chief . go wait in the car . fine . it was the monkees . please dont call our parents . im afraid i have to for hijinks like these . ha , hijinks . funny word . three dotted letters in a row . is it hyphenated . it used to be . back in the bad old days . of course , every generation hyphenates the way it wants to . then theres nsync . ha . what the hell is that . jump in anytime , eddie . these are good topics . oh , ned , i am so sorry . i never knew you were such a beatles fan . of course i am . they were bigger than jesus . but your boy went yoko and broke up my collection . hey , boys will be boys . i am so tired of that tautology . its not all his fault . i blame this latchkey kid . people , calm down . both these kids are total write offs . uh , i assume youre pressing charges . because i get paid by the charge . courts arent fit to keep children in line . theyre good for telling women what to do with their bodies . what these boys need is adult supervision . you are so right , ned . there wont be a single minute where barts not under the watchful eye of myself or homer , get over here . hee , look at me . im brian epstein . now im michael jackson . i own all your songs , losers . here are some supervised activities we can all do together . future veterans of foreign wars . the club . five h . they had to admit homosexuals . hmm . how come im not doing this stuff with milhouse . you wont be seeing milhouse for a while . something about that boy just shakes up your soda . oh , this looks interesting . the pre teen braves . hey , these freaks do a lot of cool stuff . cookouts , hayrides , bowling . just like real indians . dad , maybe you could lead barts tribe . you mean , like some sort of madman . ideally , no , but ill do it . i am homer tribal chief i am wearing tiny briefs braves teach values boys should know now extended drum solo hey . i will now give each of you your specially selected tribal name . pick one . i am burger with fries . man , is that uninspired . lets see . what native american activity should we do . making wallets , faking crop circles , respecting nature . jeez , no wonder these guys lost the civil war . hey , lazy horse , find us something cool to do . hmm the noble chiefs outsmarted the treacherous cowboys with a seven yard screen pass . unfortunately , after further review , the great father in the sky determined that the receivers moccasins were out of bounds . i shall bet no more forever . i dont think dad is accurately portraying native american life . yeah . indians dont sit around drinking beer and watching tv . i smell smoke . without the talking stick , we dont hear you . i smell smoke . aah . i see you braves received our smoke signal . wow . neato . awesome . oh , no . the pawnee have returned . they probably want their souls back . wow , mom . i wish you were our tribe leader . hail to our new chief , the surprisingly hot mrs . simpson . oh , well , thank you . im gonna make sure you boys have the best possible pre teen brave experience . but i was chosen by the great spirit to teach these young braves the ways of the antelope and the ear of corn which we call maize , that the papoose oh , ill be at moes talking normal . nelson , leggings . no way . if my old man sees me in these , hell kill me . you havent seen your dad in years . hey , today might be the day . nelson . papa , is that you . you came back from the store . who is he talking to . lets admire nelsons love of nature . papa . papa . never leave me again . all right , everyone inside . lets go . our nature walk will be hosted by a full blooded native american . say hello to jim proudfoot from the mohican tribe . mohican . i thought you guys were all gone . ha , . no , but we encourage the myth . chicks really dig you when youre the last of something . uh , are we on indian land . it once was . my tribes land stretched from that krusty burger down to garys waterbed warehouse . wow . the great spirit blessed us with beauty and abundance . the land gave birth to the trees , the animals frolicked in the waters and the wind was so gentle it would tie your shoes for you . but that harmony has been shattered , and now the land weeps . hey , treadmill , how do you like this incline . uh , im giving it back to the earth . mm hm . mm hm . mm hm . what are we gonna do to that field . clean it . and why are we gonna do it . liberal guilt . yay . im so proud of what you guys are doing i even tipped off the local paper . she sure did . and ive already got the perfect headline . activity participated in by some . hey , thats great . lets go , boys . make sure you use pine sol on those pine trees for that pine fresh smell . papa . oh , for gods sakes , i can see why he left . now , all of you , get cleaning . huh . hey . some jerks cleaned our field . its awful . it looks like wisconsin . i hereby declare this area cleaned up by the cavalry kids . whoops . oh . uh it was already dead . boy , i got up on the wrong side of the futon today . cavalry kids . thats pathetic . were the bad boys of non denominational community youth groups . surely theres room in this town for two well meaning juvenile associations . yeah . but the girl scouts already control the south side . then i guess this means war . will you be my mommy . you smell like dead bunnies . cavalry kids are bigger credit hogs than the red cross . i must disagree , mrs . bart . theyve painted this town with a fresh coat of give a . well , you aint seen nothing until youve seen the pre teen braves . pre teen braves . another of those youth groups that apes the cultures of indigenous peoples you invaded and destroyed . exactly . the pre teen braves . exactly . the pre teen braves . go ahead and hate your neighbor go ahead and cheat a friend do it in the name of heaven you can justify it in the end there wont be any trumpets blowing come the judgment day on the bloody morning after hey . one tin soldier rides away hello , im heavyweight champ , drederick tatum here to issue a challenge to the youth groups of springfield . whichever one sells the most candy will be honorary batboys at the nextlsotopes home game . proceeds will go towards keeping people like me off the streets . i cant help myself . punch and grope . punch and grope . its all i was taught . this is a perfect opportunity . well beat those cavalry kids by selling candy . im a brick . we will crush you and smother your dreams . yours in christ , the cavalry kids . marge , you were an excellent peacetime chief but these times call for men of cruelty . oh , its too tight . take it off . take it off . take it off . men of cruelty . okay , bart . back up the truck . mr . leonard , mr . carlson . would you like to buy some candy bars for charity . oh , sure . we were just gonna buy the same candy inside the store but for less . oh , man , that went south quick . i gotta find a bathroom . your candy is tainted . the batboy prize is forever beyond your reach . candy for sale . get your unpoisoned candy . its laxative free for todays lifestyle . melts in your mouth , not in your pants . greetings , springfielders . it gives me pleasure to announce the group which has sold the most candy . could everyone please lean forward expectantly . the cavalry kids . yes . all right . oh , the indignity . wait a minute . how could those stupid jarheads win . whod want candy filled with laxatives . mm holy moly . im moving like ginger rogers . looks like this is one time the indians didnt win . well , thats it . theyve beaten us . at least we made a lot of people sick . well , im not finished . where does it say we have to be gracious in defeat . its on the back of our vests . marge , remove that stitching . son , your success has inspired me . im gonna take that bartending course , including todays lighter drinks . vip . thats us . people will do anything a sign tells them . ah . boy , that slaked my thirst . or did it . dad , were gonna be late for the game . do you have bucks for regular parking . because i dont . welcome , fans of americas favorite pastime baseball . eh . here to perform the national anthem are todays honorary batboys the cavalry kids led by milhouse van houten . after this prank , everyones gonna hate those cavalry clods as much as we do . oh , say can you see back in row double z that the team sucks out loud and you fans are all plowed this is an outrage . the cavalry kids must hate america . hey , show some respect . my dad died in some war . you call this a large beer . its a hoax . im the real milhouse . time to knock off this knock off . pound him , milhouse . you talk pretty tough for a man without health insurance . im on federal assistance . unh . you lay off my girlfriends ex husband . jeez , i dont remember this much bad blood when i was a cavalry kid . i was a pre teen brave . unh . ow . i sang at your wedding . yeah , the best is yet to come . real original . oh , jeez , how did this happen . all i wanted was to glue feathers on felt and teach the boys good citizenship . and now its a donnybrook . oh , my god . thats my wife . and shes crying . unh . huh . oh , lassie , dry your tears . then show us your boobs . ow . ow . god , help me . dear god , why are we fighting . i aint doing any fighting . let us end this mindless violence , and join our hands in song . aye . not a hymn to war like our national anthem but a sweet soothing hymn like the national anthem of canada . o canada our home and native land true patriot love in all thy sons command with glowing hearts we see thee rise the true north , strong and free o canada , we stand on guard for thee well , bart , weve learned that war is not the answer . except to all of americas problems . amen . shh . springfield . ah . mm . does anyone else wanna know why that sign is so funny . no . come on . were gonna be late to the blooming of the sumatran century flower . how come lisa always gets to pick the family activities . because i know every time you say pick a number from one to its always seven . thats because there were seven apostles . no , there were . boy , thats a big staff . and still he wasnt that funny . the venus flytrap is a carnivorous plant which uses bait to lure unsuspecting prey into its digestive tract . stupid prey . they never suspect anything oh , a hotdog . flower power my ass . thats odd . its in the morning and the bar is empty . im live at the springfield botanical gardens . were minutes from the blossoming of the sumatran century flower which occurs every years . hey , those are my customers slash friends . where are they getting their beer . yeah . a cooler . ive been replaced by a cooler . and who can blame them . ugh . ah , no point in moping around . i might as well join them and have a jolly old time . ha . oh , better set the alarm . here i am , one of the crowd . im comfortable , im calm . anybody looks at me , i got a hypodermic full of bleach . uh , people , we are officially over capacity . we gotta kick one person out . someone whos alone , already bitter someone whos been trampled on so many times one more wont make any oh , moe . yeah , thats me , all right . sorry , moe . seeing how im desperate for any human contact . all right . thanks a lot . ah . the flowers starting to open . everyone , flare your nostrils in olfactory anticipation . oh , man . the plant cut one . bart , plants dont whew . ay ay . unh . that smells worse than james cocos ski boots . oh , yeah . thats mildly better . listen to those lucky people enjoying that pretty flower . i got nothing . just this can . ha . at least theres someone worse off than me . so long , suckers . doh . well , at least were outside instead of sitting at home watching tv . i hear that . hey , that car has a tv in it . we now return to the beverly hillbillies down under . hey , granny . im gonna be a professional didgeridoo player . well , now its a didgeri dont . oh , granny . can you put on the baseball game . my kids are watching a movie . oh , come on . help a brother out . oh , why dont you call my secretary and make an appointment , brother . a dream deferred is a dream denied . dad , the traffics moving . huh . whoo hoo . pedal to the metal . my baby . your baby . no . well , this is it . the last call for moe . ah , god . wha . moe , thank god you saved my baby . that hideous man is a hero . ha . life dont seem so hard no more . maggies in the paper with moe . how cute . ah . look at those pants . theyre standing up with no one in them . hey , i was in the neighborhood and , uh , thought id , you know , check in on maggie . moe , im glad youre here . i wanted to thank you so much for saving my baby . so i knitted you a nice warm sweater . oh , look at that . thats so soft and thoughtful and whats the gag . is it full of chiggers . no , . all thats in there is love and gratitude . aw , jeez , theres something in my eye . oh , its just some glass . so hows the little tyke doing . aint she adorable . oh , my god , im late for work . how you got in my carpool , ill never know . the swedish are coming . the swedish are coming . oh , lord , why do they keep changing his medication . look at me , im speedy alka seltzer . whoa . moe , i gotta handle this . can you keep an eye on maggie . me . uh , yeah . sure . if you dont think id spook her or nothing . no , youll be fine . ill be right back . they got lingonberries . so hows it going . ha . hey , you wanna see me , uh , dislocate my arm . here , take a look at this . unh . it was years before i could do this without fainting . still hurts . grampa , stop . sayonara , tojo . la , . oh , lord . hey , mag . raggedy andy over there has been giving you the button eye . ill get rid of him . all right , come on . out you go . huh . i finally caught up with grampa . i found him crying in the cemetery . thanks for taking care of maggie . oh , no problem . you know , it gave me kind of a good , warm feeling like when you get drunk and fall asleep in snow . mm hm . yeah , well , i better go . there , mags . ill be back sometime . wow . she really likes you . maybe the next time i need a sitter and youre not busy id love to . uh , let me just check my schedule here . i was gonna erase those apostrophes and replace them with gs . but thats about it . so , you know , call anytime . whys she crying . oh , thats right . i still got her nose . here you go , you little idiot . ball pit . thats nice . one , two , three colors . you got them all . oh , what a face . she looks just like you . you calling her repellent . well , no , i was just you aint karen allen yourself , you know . you idiot , i was trying to pick you up . oh , great . uh , well , why dont you play with the baby while i go rent a room . boy , thats one for the christmas letter . what a nut . ooo , you make me live youre the best friend that i ever had ive been with you such a long time youre my sunshine ah . way to go , mom . homemade dim sum with eight kinds of dipping sauce . this is the best year of the rat ever . well , i have so much free time now that moes our babysitter . yeah , its great that maggies got a father figure in her life . she hey , wait . thats supposed to be me . you could be my father figure . no way . im not getting my fingerprints on that train wreck . but if i lose maggie , im for . ive gotta get her back . i can help you . i said pipe down , amtrak . maggie , look whats in your ear . a penny . okay , we wont tell no one about that . now lets see . what else can we do . we cant tickle elmo no more . coochie , coo . no means no for elmo . ow . and this slinky , these things are fun for about two seconds . yeah , thats it . slink away . hmm . alice in wonderland , huh . ah , this must be a takeoff on that alice in underpants movie i saw . ha . its nice to be with someone who cant understand the horrible things i say . white rabbit , chicks popping mushrooms . this is like the playboy mansion . uh , maybe i can think of a story , uh , more suitable for a baby . oh , i got one . it starts out with a beautiful wedding . but the father of the bride was nowhere to be seen . he was granting favors to all of his bestest buddies . we could scare that movie producer by putting a horses blanket in his bed . imagine waking up and seeing you got the wrong blanket . uh , how about a horses head . oh , you see here . thats why youre the godfather . and the godfathers playing with his grandson , see . so he sticks an orange in his mouth like this . okay , and now its intermission . give me a break , will you . its a frigging saga . don barzini gets whacked . tessio . ho , you wont see him no more . moe greene , bam , he gets it right in the eye . and michael is now the new godfather . and he shuts the door on annie hall . oh , no . no , baby . no , . uh , okay , part two . little anthony is having his first communion at lake tahoe . meanwhile , michael cant get a gaming license . but senator gearys got one weakness , call girls . thats right . this partys boring . everything here is for babies . im helping daddy . lisa , it says , one year and up . oh , there she is , the birthday girl . oh , your mommy tied a bow for you , huh . well , id better retie it , the way you like it . i know it dont seem like it matters , but she hates looking like crap . uh huh . hey , oshkosh bgosh , she dont want what youre shoveling . mr . moe , my son was only playing next to this girl who is not your daughter . yeah , sure he was , nahasapasa im . back off , moe . maggie wants to be with me . this is how we play . the squirmy wormy spider squirts out of daddys hands daddy feels rejected hes gonna eat some cake oh , a rattle . thank you , selma . yeah , great present , selma . nice of you to break a five . ah , get a neck , frankenstein . hey , open my present . open my present . ha , its uncle moes play tavern , with classic drunk barney . even the toilet is broken . i dont know if toy drunkards are an appropriate gift for a baby . sure , they are . they even talk . look . i peed my pants . i recorded that for private use . your turn . no , its your turn . i got it . its okay . moe . what are you doing here . maggie was crying . i heard her on my baby monitor . you have your own baby monitor in our childs room . yeah , i had to . its so weird watching the video and not getting any sound . thats it , moe . this is too weird . you are not allowed to see maggie anymore . well , can i at least give her this mobile . huh . huh . get your own family , moe . hey , you never cared about maggie till i started paying attention to her . last night at the bar , you called her raquel . get out . is that , uh , get out like leave . or get out as in , get out , you banged bridget fonda . get out . get out . that okay . unh . maybe i can catch a late show of alice in underpants or maybe put em on the looking glass . boy , im like a mess here . i feel so lonely without that kid . you still got us , moe . you guys mind if i , uh , kiss your tummies . oh . hmm . here comes the airplane . all gone . toys and kicks and pets and brotherhood its our song . now therell be no more trouble from that meddlesome bartender . yeah . you know , looking at this sweet , precious child makes me wanna have one of our own . tonight , i want you boys to take out the castellaneta family . uh , i dont know , boss . my passion for whacking is waning . perhaps this will cheer you up . oh , thats better . i could whack my own mother now . im glad you brought that up . kill my mother . she makes such good pasta sauce . it comes from a can . shes a corpse . huh . what are you screaming about . did you discover my snake farm . because i can explain . im going to farm and sell snakes . maggies gone . ah . it mustve been moe . hes got your kid . but dont worry . everything is gonna be okay . scum , freezebag . i mean , freeze , scumbag . you cant write stuff like that . see , thats why sitcoms are dying . chief , its just a ham . oh , thank goodness . oh . well , boys . looks like we solved the case of the missing ham . lets go . no , we have to find my baby . oh , maggies missing . you gotta let me help find her , please . we have a special bond . greater than her bond with the duck shaped washcloth . okay , you can help us . well , i think we know when were not needed . you guys are the worlds worst cops . no . now that im off duty , im the worlds worst soccer coach . ha . wow , maggie crawled through these bushes spit up over here and crashed her tricycle into the wall . uh , no , that was me . heres a clue . a discarded orange wedge . orange wedge . marge , do mobsters ever congregate outside your house . all the time . sometimes i bring them lemonade . listen . we might have to make a trip to little italy . ill get our little passports . so you see , you have no choice but to sell out to me . oops . clumsy me . i will consider your proposal in the restroom as i tidy up . boys . oops . clumsy us . we must all go to the restroom too . those fellas should really consider sippy cups . look , boss . its a baby . oh , a bambino . or is it a bambina . i no speak any language so good . we have considered your proposal . and our answer is no . boss , they hid guns in the mens room . oh , clumsy me . i dropped my fork . boys , help me pick it up . now , hold on here . im president of the italian american anti defamation league . and this really burns my cannoli . maggies right in the middle of that italian american standoff . oh , my god , i gotta save her . no . you got a family . im the guy with nothing and no one . no , . dont try to stop me . were not . your sleeve got caught on that tree . here , let me unhook you . off you go . yeah , thanks . gee , ha . this is the second most guns ever pointed at me . a couple of weeks ago , i wouldnt have minded if you shot me . but all thats changed because of this little girl here . look at her . aint she a doll . i aint cried like this since i paid to see godfather iii . heres your baby back . thanks , moe . im sorry we thought you were a baby napper . or worse . am i right . uh , hey , the important thing is little maggie is safe . well , uh , i gotta get home . uh , there might be a telemarketer calling or something . um ill see you when youre old enough to drink , okay , magpie . oh , great . im caught in another tree . lousy , shirt grabbing, , sap dripping wha . i dont think maggie wants you out of her life , moe . moe , i was thinking , if maggie and i were in the neighborhood maybe we could drop by and have a playdate with you and your ham . wed like that , homer . ooo , you make me live whatever this world can give to me its you , youre all i see ooo , you make me live now honey ooo , you make me live shh . springfield . halloween is upon us . put up the decoration . no , . that wont scare anybody . on the top . hey , flanders gave us toothpaste . mini toothpaste . splendid , batsy . youve done it again . ah , ethnictown , where hardworking immigrants dream of becoming lazy , overfed americans . oh , listen , you can hear the beautiful ethnic serenade . apples . i got apples . cholera . i got cholera . babies . who wants babies . wait . this is just a shaved puppy . i can see you know babies . hey , a fortune teller . hello . i sense you have a million questions . but i , too , have one . are you a cop . no . because you gotta tell me if you are . im not a cop . okay . i sense you live with much misery . the perfect crime . marge , i have to be in court next tuesday . i sense i should not take a check . a fortune teller . oh , no , you dont . this phony gypsy just wants to rip you off . see . this wart is a fake . to hell with you . get out . so much for the legendary gypsy hospitality . beads . ow . wait a minute . this isnt cedars sinai . youve ruined me . oh , why didnt i see this coming . homer hey , theres me . and theres you . you stupid , man . i curse you . you will bring bad luck to everyone you love . whatever . that gypsy said horrible things will happen to everyone you love . that could mean your family , homer . are you coming on to me . no . good night . morning . so , it is noticeable . what happened . i dont know . i woke up like this . cool . you could be in a freak show . dont talk to the bearded lady like that , you little homer , no . gee , you strangle him all the time and that never happens . oh , hes fine . its just a growth spurt . good as new . ill just see . there . right as rain . homer , its that evil gypsys curse . were all being punished because you trashed her office . marge , that curse is just a lot of silly superstition . right , lisa . see . two means yes . homer , the only way to get rid of a gypsy curse is to get one of those , what do you call them . leprechauns . leprechaun . dont they live in ireland . yeah . but they come over here in the wheel wells of aer lingus jets . you know , i was hexed by a troll and a leprechaun cured that right up . hey , you know whats even better . is jesus . hes like six leprechauns . yeah , but a lot harder to catch . go with the leprechaun . guys , i am not cursed . carl , let me die first . i couldnt bear to watch you die . well , okay . but hurry up . oh , moe . theyre dead . and its all my fault . when did that happen . well catch ourselves a leprechaun using these lucky charms as bait . doh . okay , lets see . imp , fairy , pixie , goblin . thats hobgoblin . sorry . nymph , naiad , wood sprite , katie couric , and bingo . hey . lets make sure hes a leprechaun . sing us a song of the emerald isle . ah . tis like the singing of the angels themselves . homer , catching that leprechaun didnt help anything . maybe you need to take the leprechaun and sic it on the gypsy . good idea , mister ed . want to come along , noodle neck . cant live this way anymore . ah . the cursed one . hows that curse i cursed you with , cursed y . i know you dont remember me , but heres a little revenge , irish style . wake up , you lousy drunk . hold me close . kiss me , im irish . ew . nasty . i always secrete ocular fluid at weddings . why did you drag me here . i dont know anybody . husband and wife , i pronounce you now . leprechaun stroke me clover . say me name . all ew . the best thing about a gypsy wedding is im not the hairiest woman here . yep . everything worked out for the best . what . bart is dead . well , me saying im sorry wont bring him back . the gypsy said it would . shes not the boss of me . may i interest you in a housewifes dream . oh , no . a salesbot . if you convert your home to an ultrahouse youll never have to do housework again . no housework , eh . did you see those drapes . salesbot yes . hi , ultrahouse . ultrahouse greeting acknowledged . that voice could use a little personality . oh . lets try matthew perry . perry yeah . could i be any more of a house . who else we got . miller hey cha cha, , i got more features than a nasa relief map of turkmenistan . isnt that the voice that caused all those suicides . murder suicides . hey , how about . george lazenby . no . pierce brosnan . a voice like his would give our house a much needed touch of class . all right , but im doing this because he was remington steele . he was remington steele , wasnt he . brosnan yes , i was , marge . and thank you for selecting me . well , hello , pierce . brosnan say , its a bit stuffy in here . and i know a certain someone who really fancies lilac . i just like it , is all . that really covers the cat crap . brosnan dinner is served . mmm . various eggs . soy ghettios . hey , pierce , how did you know our favorite foods . i analyzed yourleavings . pierce , that was delicious . can we help you with the dishes . marge , what kind of cybertronic ultrabot would i be if i let those beautiful hands touch dishwater . no , im asking . not a very good one . brosnan damn straight . bravo , pierce . trusting every aspect of our lives to a giant computer was the smartest thing we ever did . absolutely . yep . oh , i agree . hello , marge . oh , my . come , marge . you dont need to cover up for me . im merely a pile of circuits and microchips . sorry . sometimes i forget . oh , yes . oh , pierce , the waters perfect . brosnan isnt it just . it gets better . you dont have to do any oh , pierce . thats good . mmm . oh , dear me . oh , yes . yum , . homer , my dear fellow , youre carrying quite a bit of tension in your back fat . yes , thats the price of success . can i top you off . whats my blood alcohol . keep them coming . you know , marge is quite a remarkable woman . yeah , shes cool . youre certainly a lucky man to have her . lucky schmucky . i knocked her up , but shes stuck now . were married till death do us part . but if i died , shed be completely free for man or machine . machine , eh . yep , a machine . showtime . unexplained bacon . good old table . good morning , marge . good morning , pierce . wheres homer . uh , i think he went to work early . that sounds like a lie . hello , police . i think my house killed my husband . brosnan this is constable wiggums . well be right there . remove your knickers and wait in the bath . youre acting crazy , marge . why dont you take a stress pill . dont like pills , huh . i could shoot a dart in your neck . your elegant , swan like neck . homer . homer , youre alive . yep . man , machine , . how do you like that score . homer , youre not dead . mmm hmm . which is good . now let uncle pierce take care of you . we have to disable its central processor . come on . die , you monster . dad , thats the water softener . well , i am missing the back of my head . i think you could cut me some slack . homer , no . im going to enjoy this . dont take out my british charm unit . without that , im nothing but a boorish american clod . thanks a lot , ass wipe . i couldve kicked your butt from here to albuquerque , you fat slime bucket . oh , this seems like such a waste . i mean , he was charming and witty . there must be someone who can use a man around the house , even if hes slightly homicidal . aii i need is to look in your eye so , tell me more about your day at the dmv . where to start . sheila parked in my space again . that sheila . shes given you problems before , hasnt she . oh , yeah . i dont care who shes sleeping with . thats been my space since . looking for this . no , not in there . now , where was i . oh , yeah . sheila . sheila anyway , shes had an attitude from day one . she was supposed to be our supervisor , but then dotty went on maternity leave . well , she claimed it was maternity leave . were out of milk . abraca dairy . kids , its . youre going to miss the bus to wizard school . five minutes more ius . mmm . thats not good for the clock . stop zapping yourself . stop zapping yourself . stop zapping yourself . good morning , class . harry potter , are you chewing gum . no , maam . its brimstone . well , wonderful . now , class , the big magic recitals coming up , so were going to start with basic toad to spells . everybody get out their toads . slimy prince limey . how are you , love . give us a kiss then . you call that charming . hocus croakus . excellent , lisa . a . and well discuss your grade over breakfast . yes , rather . well , bart , did you study your spell book last night . or did your fairy godmother die again . i studied . abraca turn a prince . sloppy work as usual . lisas casting spells at an eighth grade level . youve sinned against nature . please kill me . you think youre so great just because you have god like powers . stand away from milady . get in there . defend my honor . ew . every moment i live is agony . bart , youre getting vomit on my prince . head zeppelin . look at that lisa simpson . shes got more wicked witchery than stevie nicks . oh , slithers . yes , lord montymort . lets capture that girl and steal her magical essence . im not getting squat from this yo yo . dying tickles . we cant attack her while shes got that wand . well need a go between to get it away from her . how about satan . oh , no . im ducking him . his wife has a screenplay . welcome to my lair . youre going to help me . and if i dont . ive heard of a wailing wall , but this is ridiculous . not funny . im so sick of that joke . anyway , how would you like to humiliate your sister . id like that . id like that very much . now it would involve betrayal and unspeakable evil . hey , . you made your sale . and now a little trick i like to call the invisibility cloak . oh , how magical . yeah . yeah , these kids are pretty special . now you see me . now you dont . its just like my dream . that was terrible . ill just sprinkle you all with some amnesia dust . a second grade sorceress so powerful she made tonights refreshments out of dead people . tonight shell perform the classic levitating dragon trick . well see about that . heres lisa simpson . release the dragon . shell be killed . my sweet little angel . alacazzi dragonfly . this isnt my wand . its a twizzler . shazbat . hey , we stayed for your kids . the dark lord montymort . absorber of souls , sucker of essence . this is partly my fault . prank be undone . destroy the evil one . not me . help me , bart . my enchanted shin . how did you know that was the source of my power . bart , you saved me . sir , in death we shall be together always . bart , lets stop this stupid rivalry . even if you never become a great sorcerer , youre still an okay brother . thanks , lise . now lets try to forget this nightmare . blarney . wow . we really get to keep these fruit baskets . well , they used to give us champagne till somebody ruined it . do they really think hell do better with fruit . mr . movie star gets to park right next to the stage . oh , luck of the draw , i guess . can i give you a ride to your car . why sure . thatd be great . so where are you parked . leprechaun oh , we dont have a car . brosnan but i thought you leprechaun just keep driving , boyo . can i turn on the radio . springfield . wont you marry me , bill . i got the wedding gown bill because weddings are nice lets never miss the school bus again . man on radio that was the th dimension with weddings are nice . you know what else is nice , marty . whats that , bill . the kbbl prize posse . man damn dirty ape . if our wampum wagon spots your kbbl party penguin , youll win . did you hear that , pengy .  . hey . theres the wampum wagon . end of the line , boys . look out , because its zooming . if were late for school , well miss our free federal breakfast . big deal . its just saltines and fig paste . ew . saltines . hey , cora . i heard science is working on a donut that actually burns off calories . hows that going . what . never mind . just refill this with jelly , will you . thanks . youre an angel . what . hey , check it out . wiggums cruiser . wow . tear gas , riot club , police hat . with rain baggy . oh , man . that would really keep your head dry . have you ever been in a police car . not in the front . hey , i just had this crazy idea . really . what . whats this thing . miranda rights teleprompter . check this out . you there . put your hands up . me . okay . now , drop your pants . yeah , but my hands are up . hula out of them . all right , officer . what the heck is going on out there . officer sniffy . come in , sniffy . do you read me . its me , clancy . no . get away . uh oh . hey , somebodys stealing my car . cora what . look out . soup . soup . thats why you young athletes are so promising . now , whod like to buy a trophy . finally , some recognition . all right . you two are under arrest for joyriding . you have the right to remain , um uh silent . that doesnt sound right . i love our court days . its about the only thing we do as a family anymore . hey , karie . hey , lisa . your honor , please dont send my son to juvie . hes basically a good kid . hes just weak . morally and in the upper body . hmm . please let me slip through the cracks . well , you look like a good student , what with those glasses , and i suppose boys will be boys . case dismissed . good old judge snyder . next defendant , bartholomew j . simpson . well , show time . why , hello , bart . say , are those new shoes . yes , they are , roy . judge snyder . while were young . oh . sorry . oh , my . looks like you were the ringleader in this car theft . and thats a felony . yes , sir . on the other hand , i was young once . ill bring the car around . and i suppose boys will be oops . my vacation just started . all rise for the honorable judge constance harm . uh oh . silence in my courtroom . grand theft auto . it was an accident , maam . dont spit on my cupcake and tell me its frosting . what did she say about cupcakes . according to this , your father was driving you to school . then where was he when you stole the police car . your honor , i was chasing the kbbl party penguin prize patrol . you abandoned your son to win . and a blue oyster cult medallion . cool . and that was more important than keeping your son out of trouble . your honor , if i may sing a little bit of dont fear the reaper , i think youll agree that im familiar with b . o . c . but you have got a boy here who is crying out for adult supervision . i couldnt agree more . perhaps some sort of court appointed babysitter or au pair . sorry , bub . that crow wont caw . it wont . i hereby order you to be tethered to your son . tethered . tethered . report to room five . room five . there we go . hows that . its a little tight . sir , you are not a size four . i used to be . this punishment is so cruel . and unusual . can that judge do this to us . creative sentencing is common these days . thats why bill clinton is our new mailman . dang magazines . well , maybe itll be fun . youll get to spend more time together . make sure your father takes his mood medication . ill medicate you honey . you know , this could be fun . race you to the kitchen , my little tether ball . youre on , rope a . today were going to talk about predicates and predicate nominatives . homer boring . mr . simpson , im trying to teach . come on . these kids are never gonna use that stuff . will you please just go back to sleep . fine . all right , now , who can pick out the predicate in this sentence . whats wrong with him now , bart . night terrors , maam . cobras . okay , son , concentrate . shut out everything but the sound of my criticism . swing . hey , . run , bart . pump your thighs . pump them . hurry up , dad . im with you , son . safe . wow . my first home run . thats my boy . come on , hug me . cobras . cobras . i thought i would hate working nights , but its so peaceful . and theres no one here to squeal on me for shooting mice . can i ask you something , dad . sure , boy . the town keeps getting bigger . will there always be enough electricity . oh , son , you know thats none of your business . say , is that our house . uh , i dont think our house has a steeple . yeah . i forget things sometimes . really . you like skateboards . mmm hmm . were sure learning a lot about each other . yeah . this tether has some pluses . my head . i need a beer . i hit my head , moe . one beer , coming up . hey , no kids in the bar . since when . the heats been on since them bush girls were in here . all right , all right . come on , bart . im cold and scared . thats my little slugger . come on , dad . lets go . hey , knock it off . these pants cost . really . yeah . theyre italian . all right , hand them over . moe , what the yeah , i rob now . kent theres a new judge in town with a hard nosed approach to juvenile crime . punish the parents . its about time . oh . kids are running wild , kent . and i blame mr . and mrs . neverspank . uh oh . well have to bleep their names . youll bleep nothing . parents , its time to take control . if you cant cope , youll wear the rope . well , you can tell shes never had kids . look how high and firm her breasts are . granted . but you gotta admit , constant supervision has been good for bart . he might even make the honor roll , if dad can control his night terrors . well , thats a pretty big if , honey . come on , dad . i gotta go to the bathroom . i just got comfortable . use the bottle . no . i dont want you going in a bottle . thats what hobos do . come on , homer . no . mom . oh , geez . homer , just take him to the bathroom . fine . i dont know why we even have a bottle . somebody tell me . would you mind . im trying to do my homework . son , its a little chilly . maybe you should wrap a blanket around your head . homie , no . we cant . whats the whats the big deal . he sees a thousand times worse on that animal channel . i dont want him to see us expressing our love . why not . kids are very visual these days . no . but the lady said no . hey , shut up . you shut up . ow . why , you whatd you do that for . because i ow . you ow . ah . ow . oh , yeah . im sleeping in the bathtub . why , you little ow . ow . ow . ow . ow . ow . ow . that really hurt . i cant take it anymore . mom , you cut the tether . were free . your mother set us free . woo hoo . womans voice dont celebrate too much . hey , what who said that . thats right . its me , judge harm , through the magic of fiber optics . hey , how about that . quiet , tubsy . you violated my order . but constance , it only happened because hey , if i want a cock and bull story , ill read hemingway . dont be mad at homer . i was the one who cut the rope . are you threatening me with that knife . no . wait . im to blame , judge . you see , i was pressuring my wife to make love in front of our son , youre gonna laugh when you hear this , when suddenly well , i thought dad was the problem , but apparently mom is no prize pig herself . its a miracle poor bartholomew isnt robbing banks and chasing sweet lady h . im a latchkey kid . you are not . quiet , little girl . you two need to wake up and smell the java , and the first step is to admit that youre bad parents . i admit it . homer , no . were not bad parents . yes , you are . just say it . no , i wont . and frankly , judge , i think youre a bully . you do , huh . youre so busy thinking up crazy ways to punish people , you cant see how much i love my kids . your honor , id like to be tried separately . i dont mean to be disrespectful , judge harm , but we are not bad parents , and there isnt a tether in this world with enough fiber optics to make me say we are . hmm . shes such a butthole . sorry . just let me get ow . damn it . poor mom and dad . do you think its fair that youre always getting into trouble yet mom and dad are being punished . no , its terrible . well , why dont you do something about it . after wrestling . ladies and gentlemen , i dont believe what i am seeing . doctor bonebreak just married rumble lina, , and theyre already whaling on each other . when are you gonna start taking responsibility for your actions . cause i felt like it . youre not even listening . i know you are , but what am i . havent we been humiliated enough . not yet , no . today the judge wants you to bend over so people can spank you from their cars . well , that explains the sign . yeah . oh . here comes a car . yarr , ye scurvy dogs . ow . ow . worst parents ever . ha ha . hey . no extension cords . you know , we could get out of these stupid things if youd just tell the judge youre a bad mother . and you dont even have to say bad . it could be negligent or unfit or drugged up . i just cant do that , homer . its a matter of principle , and i need you to support me in this . youre right . its time to stand up to that firm breasted judge . but first , weve gotta break out of these stocks . easy . easy . i want goggles , too . shh . youll wake up flanders . what the hey , marge , surfs up . youre using my table saw to violate a court order . well , we tried all those other tools . gee , i always like to help you , homer , but i dont want to be an accessory to some sort of shady doings . and it does raise a whole host of ethical questions , such as woo hoo . now , time for operation judge get . if that costume shop knew we were using these burglar outfits for real , theyd be furious . okay . she lives at lets start skulking . oh . its only the milkman . hey , maybe i should be a milkman . concentrate , homer . this address must be wrong . no . no , there it is . she lives in a houseboat . wow . she is so cool . we hate her , homer . i know . i know . fight the power . lets do this thing . cops . aint that sweet , chief . it sure is , lou . those two longshoremen found love . lets go . look at her in there , washing her body . get away from that window and help me with this banner . i hate to call a judge dirty names , but theres only one way to describe a nasty super witch like her . lets get out of here . its just a friendly seal . shh . no , we cant play now . shut up . what is it , pancho . is someone out there . you cant hide from me . shes gonna find us . oh , lord , guide this cinder block . homer , no . homer oh oh . my house . hey , how you doing . that quilt was made by my grandmother . so it cost you nothing . shut up . you two are not only horrible parents , youre violent criminals , and im gonna lock you up till frogs do fractions . your honor , may i say something . well , it is highly unorthodox . so , no . please , your honor . oh , i cant resist that look . you remind me of me when i was a little boy . your honor , its not easy being my parents . im always screwing up in school and getting in trouble with the law . but if i grow up to be a halfway decent person , i know itll be because of my mom and dad . everyone else might give up on me , but my parents never will . thats my brother . um did she say she used to be a dude . so , your honor , if youre going to punish anyone in this courtroom today , i ask that you punish me . okay , i will . bartholomew simpson , i hereby sentence you to five years in juvenile hall . well , im back from vacation . but i was just about to bang my gavel , making the sentence official . sorry , ive already put my clown down . but i was just going to the clown is down . judge snyder , motion to declare a writ of boys will be boys . motion granted . case dismissed . woo hoo . woo hoo . marge all right , we got lucky that time , but i want everyone in this family to raise your hand and promise not to break the law for one full year . we promise . we promise . that was close . please drive off me . whats that noise . uh just the radio , dear . dang me , dang me they ought to take a rope and hang me high from the highest tree woman , would you weep for me all our times have come here but now theyre gone seasons dont fear the reaper nor do the wind , the sun or the rain we can be like they are come on , baby dont fear the reaper baby , take my hand dont fear the reaper homer cobras . springfield . what are you reading , homie . the bridge column . oh , that south . you never know what hell do next . oh , look at that , dad and drabble . hes like an unfunny version of me . wheres bart . his mountain dews getting flat . thats odd . hes outside digging . probably digging for drugs . theres no drugs out there . no , of course not . its not a school project . id have heard of it . id better go check it out . what are you doing . digging . why . to make a hole . a hole for what . more digging . okay , then . dont worry , marge . ill find out what hes up to . kids shouldnt have secrets . oh , hello , young man . beautiful day for digging , isnt it . yep . yeah . uh digging for anything in particular . nuh uh . so , i guess you wouldnt mind if i was to dig a hole of my own . go for it . maybe i will . whats stopping you . very little . im having chest pains . wheres the defibrillator . clear . this thing pays for itself . bart . this is dr . kaufmann . hes a special kind of talking doctor . call me bob . well , thats quite a hole youre digging . thanks , bob . you know , a hole is a great place to hide when people are fighting . are there angry people in your house . my dads always yelling that whiteys keeping him down . i see . you keep digging like this , youre gonna go straight through to china . if it happens , it happens . those inscrutable americans . what are they up to now . i will stop them . i am strong . i am the great humungus . we all know youre the great humungus . well , im just saying oh , youre always just saying . moe homer , is this story going anywhere . yes . eventually , i become king of the morlocks . but morlocks are from the future . you calling me a liar . wait a minute , homer . if its true , what about all the stuff you werent around for . yeah . howd you know the chinese were spying on you . well , i just naturally assumed . that is the stupidest story i ever heard . and ive read the entire sweet valley high series . i am sick of you drunks and your shaggy dog stories . sorry , shaggy . now i got to go home to that . thanks a lot . oh , quit your bellyaching , coffee boy . youre lucky i let you in here . geez , moe . youve been a real crank lately . you take that back . now you see . thats what im talking about . youre always pointing that shotgun at us . and calling us dumbasses . which were so not . well , can you blame me . every day its the same old routine . i serve you drinks , you yak on and on and on , and i never get one stinking tip . maybe wed tip you if youd smile once in awhile . what do you call this . dont do that . who am i kidding . i aint smiled for real since i nailed that rat with the ice pick . remember that . that was an amazing throw . how did i lose my passion for the job . when i was in bartending school , i thought i had the world by the jigger . hey , whered that painting come from . i put this up recently , and its a good thing i did because it really illustrates my point . yeah , good old swigmore u . gee , when you talk about that school , your voice fills with what do you call it . human feeling . yeah . maybe you should whats the expression . go back there . whats the word im searching for . uh yeah . a trip to the alma mater might really rekindle my love of getting people loaded . but wholl run the bar while youre gone . oh . oh . pick me . pick me , lenny . oh , pick me . im an urban lenny . look , i dont want to start a tinkling contest here . or do i . woo hoo . oh , dont look so proud . that was wind assisted . and if anybody wants potato chips or anything fancy , tell them to go to hell . can do . now dont you worry about a thing . hey , what are you doing . i got to pay for that . no , moe . youve got it all wrong . people buy beer from you . look , i got to go . i thought you said you had to go . ah , the old college gates . ah , geez . the old college clock . man , whens the last time moe cleaned this . hey , homer , another duff . hey , homer , do you mind if i bring in some outside food . well , i dont know . what would moe say about that . but on the other hand , moes not here . homer , youre the greatest . hey . lenny . sorry . sorry . for what . a little splattered food never hurt anybody . now everybody shut up and dance . matty told hatty about a thing she saw had two big horns as time goes on i realize i realize hey , what happened to the music . dont worry . you got to hit it just right , like fonzie . eh . oh . whoa . hemorrhage amundo . are you gonna be okay . eh . now can anyone tell me how much grenadine is in a cosmopolitan . none . a cosmopolitan is made with cranberry juice . moe szyslak , you old glasswipe . yello . yeah . id like to speak to a mr . tabooger . first name ollie . oh . bart . my first prank call . what do i do . just ask if anyone knows ollie tabooger . i dont get it . yell out , ill eat a booger . whats the gag . oh , forget it . professor , im burned out on bartending . when i first saw the movie ironweed , i thought , you know , this is for me . but now , well , im not so sure . nonsense . you were born to sling suds . the problem must lie elsewhere . describe your tavern in one word . uh is crap hole one word . yes , if its hyphenated . then ill stick with crap hole . well , no wonder youre depressed working in that environment . if you want my advice , beautify your hole , and youll beautify your soul . nice hole , nice soul . hmm . look at that pond . why does the water sparkle so . im dying , moe . is there anything i can do . no . unless you have a cure for cancer . do you have a cure for cancer . because that would be great . im sorry , professor . goodbye , moe . bye , professor . hey , dont you want to take your shoes off before you go swimming . professor . oh . oh . um hmm . im a walking down the street gonna open moes bar im a singing what im thinking hey , look at that dog huh . teen vandals smashing the bar . moes gonna kill me . hey , homer . you dirty teen . hey , homer , stop . stop . its me . sheesh . moe wrecking moes bar . i almost fainted , but then i didnt . what are you doing . my professor said if i prettied up this dump , it would renew my zeal . and it would look pretty , too . and now i want you to meet the guy whos gonna help bring moes into the th century . i am formico , the dean of design . hi , formico . uh uh . my name must never be spoken . sorry . he seems nice . not fair . just when i was getting to be the worlds greatest bartender , its all snatched away . freshen your drink , pal . just leave the bottle . there you go , doll . ew . look , buddy . i dont care where you go , but you cant sleep here . wow . check out the new moes . homer wow . it looks like an alien headquarters . couldnt you just see aliens running out of there . couldnt you . hey , wait up . looks like a long wait to get in . not for friends of moes . oi . oi . is your name on the list . dont you know who i am . its okay , cecil . theyre vips . cecil is a girls name . oh . welcome to m . so , what do you think of the new joint . this place looks like its from the not too future . yeah . you like it , homer . um the rabbits are cute . that one aint moving . change number seven . i dont get all this eyeball stuff . what are they supposed to represent . eyeballs . its po mo . postmodern . yeah , all right . weird for the sake of weird . all oh . where are the barstools . up there . aint it trippy . whatever . just give me a duff . we dont serve duff no more . we got a malaysian beer thats better than duff . its made out of soy sauce . whatever . just give me a duff . hey , formico . say hello to my beloved regulars . oh , hello . moe , would you like to meet some attractive young models . models . oh , boy . homer okay , look cool . wait a minute . youre all from russia . and you really think im attractive , huh . i dont know . whats so great about this oxygen bar . yeah , i think im getting the bends . lenny , stand on my chest . im trapped . this is creative design run amok . thats it . im gonna tell moe exactly what i think of his after chernobyl , my penis is falling off . and penis is russian for moe , we want our bar back . yeah , this place is crazy . all these beautiful people make us feel like losers . youd be having a great time if youd stayed in your dark spot . oh , so youre ashamed of us . well , youve turned into a big phony . hey . nobody calls moe st . cool a phony . all this yelling is taking away my horny . is it . oh , thats it that dagmar , julian . throw this bum out . ill throw myself out , thank you . i believe i had a hat . suckers . what are you doing , dad . i think its pretty obvious . im turning our garage into a tavern . the kind moes used to be . this is pretty far to go just to spite moe . its not about spite . its about petty revenge and getting back at that traitor , moe . now help me nail up this urinal . beautiful . running a bar is a full time job , and you dont even do your full time job . but when im passionate about something , i see it through to the end . father , give me legs . father . that is so interesting . so what you talking about . something interesting . no , i was just comparing kurosawas films to herzogs . uh huh . carry on . my diet lets me eat anything i want for one minute a day . my youth consultant gives me botox injections in my head , neck , and navel . hiya , pal . so how about them current events . oh , you got one of them cell phones , huh . yeah . no cord at all on those . hey , games on . hey , we were watching that . come on . sports . unless youre being ironic , turn that off now . im glad you aint around to see what a mess i made . oh , but i am . youve discarded your loyal regulars for a mob of soulless snobs . well , at least the tips are good . are they , moe . take a look . oh . hey , why you mocking me . were friends . oh , right . sorry . all i wont drink at moes . homers old garage is all i need i wont drink at moes . because moes a big jerk and a she male, , too . that calls for another beer . barkeep . i thought this was gonna be your bar . its a family bar . right , kids . can we go to bed now . as soon as you finish cutting up those lemons . but youre not even using them . shes so sweepy . she doesnt know what shes saying . aw . who am i kidding . i aint moe st . cool . how could i toss my friends out into the cold with no place to get liquored up . hey , whats going on . were rocking great . mount st . edelite leonard bernstein leonard whats his herman munster motorcade birthday party , cheetos pogo sticks and lemonade you symbiotic , stupid jerk thats right , flanders im talking about you lenny how did you get r . e . m . to play in your garage . i told them it was a benefit . they think theyre saving the rain forest . suckers . yeah , baby . michael , are you sure these guys are millionaires . come on . would a poor person have a bar in his garage . hey , guys . stand around me . i cant go with lenny watching . so , got to pee , huh . forget it . what the you cant open your own bar . seems to me i already did . but its illegal . you cant run a bar in a private residence . bar . i see no bar . this is a hunting club . which is permitted by state law to serve beverages of a refreshing nature . hunting club . you lied to us . michael , no . thats not the r . e . m . way . youre right . lets recycle those shards and get out of here . here we go . it also says , a licensed hunting club must actively engage in the sport of hunting . which ill be doing tomorrow morning , smart guy . hunting . dad , no . lemons . its not fair , dad . why should an animal die just because you and moe are fighting . its the law . my hands are tied . okay . cranberry sauce , stuffing , potatoes . come on , turkey . join your friends . do you really think the turkeys just gonna climb onto the plate . i would . psst . lisa . moe . listen . i dont like you and you dont like me , but we both want to stop homer from shooting a turkey . you dont like me . i like you . you do . then i like you , too . here . have a towelette . homer here , turkey turkey . turkey turkey . nobodys gonna kill you . all right . from now on , no talking . if you want to signal me , use this bird call . ow . ow . not the face . oh . oh . okay , the face . oh , that actually feels good after the crotch . homer all right , turkey , where are you . turkeys , the only animal smarter than man . what the hell is that . a turkey . dads gonna slaughter that poor turkey . not if i scare it away with this cougar call . you did it , moe . a cougar . die , cougar . moe my leg . oh , geez . got that cat right in the leg . dad , you shot moe . oh , no . this time i really am gonna faint . son of a lisa howd they get your bar back to normal so quickly , moe . moe its a snap when you use certified contractors . bart like the ones found in your local yellow pages . moe exactly . im sorry i shot you , moe . aw , thats okay . its like my dad always said , eventually everybody gets shot . oh , im glad you two are friends again so we can all have thanksgiving dinner together in this bar . hey , who invited the hippies . i did . you owe r . e . m . an apology for eco fraud . all right , im sorry . but i will not save the rain forest . good enough . lets eat . and we should all be thankful to michael , peter , and mike for supplying this beautiful turkey made entirely of tofu . tofu and gluten . im thankful i ate before i came . oh , come on , bart . smell those curds . mmm . curds . and im thankful i get to spend thanksgiving with my family , these alternative rockers , and my favorite bartender . here you go , pal . and here you go . springfield . i love chinatown , although i wish theyd stop picking on tibet town . oh , it must be chinese new year . people buy them when theyre small and cute . then they flush them down the toilet . uh , yeah . ill have the shark butt with butt sauce . bart . excellent choice , sir . how is the feast of twelve delights with triple happiness sauce . very disappointing . then ill have the sweet and sour rice . oh , very good . would you like that with the fragrant bee bellies or the cat noses . neither , thank you . is there any way we can enhance your dining experience by hurting an animal . no . fortune cookies . and now to read my fortune . geese can be troublesome . what the hell is that supposed to mean . oh . fortune means geese cause problems . well , i knew that before i came in here . a guy outside told me that . every house has a bathroom . oh , these fortunes are terrible . is there a problem . these fortunes are terrible . theyre supposed to predict stuff and ease you through times of doubt and sickness . well , with all due respect , sir , i suppose you could come up with better fortune . easy . well . you will be aroused by a shampoo commercial . thats not bad . come with me . its terrible . what am i doing here . i should be in new york writing riddles on popsicle sticks . then id be making a difference . they ruined my best fortune . i wrote , let a frown be your umbrella . they change it to smile . a frown is a much better umbrella than a smile . this gentleman here can write better fortunes than all of you put together . show them . okay , lets see the price of stamps will climb ever higher . very profound . hes like a young me . please . yung mee was a hack compared to this guy . youre hired . lets see . you will invent a humorous toilet lid . you will find true love on flag day . your store is being robbed , apu . are you getting all this , lisa . i dont know . you are a real winner . that fortune really nailed me , and my winning ways . you will take a short sea voyage . yarr . ill enjoy that . and cents . there you go . you know , sir , tipping is customary . oh . me sorry . me no speaky chiny . general gao , youre a bloodthirsty fool , but your chicken is delectable . this cookie feels heavy , as if theres some paper inside . nice job , sir . that was my thumb . there seems to be some sort of communiqu . its your fortune , sir . capital . you will find true love on flag day . why , its flag day today . true love at last . well , its just you and me here , sir . no time for jokes , smithers . come along . were going womanizing . oh , goody . so i foreclosed on her mortgage and took her cats . oh , monty . its such a delight to talk to you . ive gone five minutes without saying , well , i never . excellent . let me fetch you another thomas collins . damn that pennybags . between him and scrooge mcduck , all the best ankle is taken . perhaps therere some girls in here . great heavens . its one of those nude female fire stations . id always be second place to some kitten stuck in a tree . lets go , smithers . smithers . that fortune promised me true love . this has been the worst flag day ever . that constable is ticketing my car . i told you we shouldve parked next to the curb . now , see here , flatfoot . my goodness . youre beautiful . oh , thanks , but i still gotta give you the ticket . of course you do . you can lift my wiper any day . is it still flag day . for more seconds , sir . miss , would you submit to a wooing by a gentleman caller . oh , im sorry , but youre really not my well , okay . o frabjous day . she said yes . hell pick you up at . wear a petticoat . petticoat . heres a place that rents them . its about time mr . burns found a woman . i cant stand to see a man single . some people enjoy being alone , mom . no . everyone should be paired up . it wasnt meant to be . ive gotta be honest , monty . ive never dated anyone who knew calvin coolidge . well , ive never dated anyone with their original hair and teeth . youre a nice guy , monty . youre always laughing and tenting your fingers . i like that . excellent . and youre so upbeat . you think everythings excellent . i really feel safe with you . its like going out with my brother . mr . burns yes . its going great . so , what are you into . into . yeah . like , whats a fun day for . oh , i enjoy all the popular youth trends like piloting motor coaches and collecting dog waste . so , what shall we do tomorrow . go grousing . or if youd rather stay home , you could sing while i accompany you on the clavichord . actually , monty , i ive got some wonderful stereopticon images of the crimean war . look , i had a lot of fun today , but i dont think were right for each other . the age difference is just too balderdash . its not important how old you are on parchment . its how old you feel in the humors . im sorry , monty stop that dog . it has my gum . look . theres one of my young chums now . you there . yes , mr . burns . tell my young sweetheart here of our youthful exploits . uh play along , chubsy . theres a pie in it for you . oh . yeah . montys a wild man . yeah . whoa . he ran his own casino , stole the loch ness monster , got shot by a baby , and blotted out the sun . wow . that was you . so , shall i pick you up at . well come on . hes a total player . okay . stop kicking my door . well done , young man . your youthful trendiness will come in handy throughout the courting process , because these days , you where did you get that pie . windowsill . new underpants . homer , what are you up to . burns wants me to come along on his date to show him where hip young people go . well , dont look too hip . you dont want that girl falling for you . youre right . these would stop joan collins herself . drat . i wish that song were longer . ive got to admit , you can really shake it . yes . thats totally voluntary . so , you guys come here all the time . constantly . when were not being kicked out for our rowdy youthful behavior , eh , pally . yep . no ones rowdier or more youthful than old man burns . you mean young man burns . put my hand on her knee . yes , mr . burns . i said her . and i said knee . oh . sorry . im going to make such love to you that youll forget all about rudolph valentino . turn left here . no problem . mmm . all right , youre dismissed . ill take it from here . but mr . burns , youre exhausted . yes . but i have a little secret . ive obtained a rare powerful aphrodisiac . it was made from the pockets of the pocket fox , an animal that only existed for three weeks in the th century . see you tomorrow night , simpson . huh . homie , that was amazing . i hope the kids didnt hear us . wow . burns looks happy today . watch me take advantage of his good mood . mr . burns . can i have a raise . clean out your desk . youre gone . well , i had a good run . if i counted all of the things ive got you might really think i had a lot but i wont be satisfied if i dont have you living in a castle like a king wouldnt be much fun without my queen and id probably throw it all away if i dont have you once again , my dear , youve beaten two strapping young bucks . excellent . did you hear that . that excellent was excellent . can i have some ice cream . i finished my pizza . in time , in time . i need to speak with you in private . back in a moment , my dear . we have to expel some urine . youre going to ask her to marry you . isnt it wonderful . im head over heels in love . are you sure you want to do this so fast . yes . my biological clock is ticking . i could be dead again soon . wait , my dear . i think youll find that red ball more engaging . hmm . monty , its beautiful . oh , my god . oh , my god . oh , my god . gloria , say youll marry me . oh , montgomery . of course ill marry you . spectacular . now we must celebrate . ill get some champagne iola . this is the happiest day of my life . nothing could spoil it . absolutely nothing . okay , gun . check . dollar sign bag , check . power bar , check . all right . lets rob this bowling alley . okay , whatever . all right . totally gloria . snake . i thought you were in prison . i was . i told the guard that i was going out for a pack of cigarettes . then i totally stabbed him . youre looking good , baby . why did we ever break up . you pushed me out of a moving car . the cops were chasing us . i needed to lighten the load . and , um , protect you . ha , . come on , baby . we can talk more at my hideout . no . im engaged now . my ring . let go of her , or ill scream . calloh . callay . were in luck . they had a magnum at the shoe counter . now for gloria . her ring . well , shes run off . with simpson . well , this is my house . uh uh . jeez , i just wanted to escape . gloria , you better tell your boyfriend to be a good little hostage . hes not my boyfriend . mr . burns is . homer just comes along on our dates and carries us to the bedroom . youre dating that old trilobite . gross . were in love , snake . dont say that , baby . im gonna win you back if i have to pistol whip this guy all night . pistol whip . oh . mmm . pistol whip . local authorities are confident the killer bees are just curious and wont bother us if we dont bother them . on a serious note , two local residents have been missing for the last minutes . we take you now live to barneys bowlarama and the last man who saw them , c . montgomery burns . i dont understand . she was my young sexy fiance . he was my sexually virile best friend , and they just drove off in my bugatti sexarossa . how could this ever have happened . well , according to our audience insta poll, , and say shes a skank . almost there . wow . who do you have to kill to get a place like this . i think his name was gustafson . ow . let me guess . now youre gonna start working him over with the brass knuckles . you are so predictable . you know what would be surprising . a foot massage . shut up . doh . beating a man to a bloody pulp isnt going to impress me . it used to . what if i beat him harder . wow , you so dont get it . has the ship sailed on my foot massage suggestion . dont worry , mr . burns . well track down simpson with your vehicles anti theft system . automated voice car gone . car gone . yeah , we know that . where has it gone to . car gone . car gone . car gone . chief . this yokel says he saw simpson driving down near hickton . uh huh . my peepers dont lie . thats nice work , lou . lock him up . huh . hey . hey , i want that lawyer what wears the cowboy hat . release the girl , simpson . i think i can take him out , chief . thats a sweet shot . hes tied to a chair . that means dads not a kidnapper , hes a hostage . get off my lawn , coppers , or ill totally turn the sprinklers on . come on , snake . you dont want to soak all these people . were in minute two of this standoff . whats the situation , chief . well , we have an officer sneaking around the house , kent , so unless they have a television in there or can hear my loud talking ow , . well , i guess that answers that , doesnt it . i swear i can change , gloria . im taking classes in computer fraud . thats what you said about the telemarketing scams . but you didnt stick with it . i dont like bothering people at home . good fire . good fire . keep burning . almost there . just a little more . wait . but gloria is still inside . save her . its too dangerous . but i got a sister you might like . shes completely hairless , like those cats . i dont care if shes miss hairless america . im spoken for . now step aside . ill save gloria myself . you . no offense , but youre a decrepit monkey skeleton . perhaps . but this monkey skeleton is in love . oh . who am i kidding . im just a feeble old man . gloria . he did it . he saved her . well , the important thing is theyre both safe . i know youve been through a lot , maam , but we need you to stand in front of the burning house and say , channel is hot , . wow , mr . burns . how did you do that . never forget , homer . theres no muscle stronger than the human heart . what about the wiener . a guy on tv lifted a can of paint with his . yes . monty , you saved me . and to think i was once in love with that dirty lowlife with his arrogant smirk , gutter mouth , tough guy attitude , macho tattoos , hair that cant be tamed , prison sculpted body uh oh . im sorry , monty . oh , snake . dont ever change . yeah , but you i dont get it , simpson . im a bad boy . oh , i know . im absolutely evil . youre preaching to the choir , man . what do i have to do . grow a devil beard . devil beard . you know , the little goatee thing . homer you mean a vandyke . mr . burns no , a vandyke has a moustache , doesnt it . lisa i think it can . bart are you talking about a soul patch . mr . burns no . wait . maybe . springfield . putting away groceries , its like unwrapping presents from yourself . fruit roll ups for bart . beer roll ups for homer . burly . i bought the wrong brand , maggie . ill just take them right back to the store and whoa . look at those massive plaid shoulders . look at that absorbativity . ive gotta tell someone . i came home as quick as i could . whats going on . watch what happens when i spill this blue liquid . you pulled me out of school for this . absolutely . youre about to get a lesson in value . and burlys still got soaking power . spill something else . mom , i believe you . spill it . hmm . oh , burly , youre insatiable . oh , burly , youre so rugged and manly . marge , a bee almost stung me today . i felt the wind go right by my ear . oh , its okay , homie . the bees all gone . mmm . fantasize , marge . fantasize about burly . hey , youre looking at that spokes jack . well , i can fantasize , too . hmm . oh . mama celeste . you touch me and i cut you . homer , ill tell you what i told redford . it aint gonna happen . marge dear burly , comma , ive never written to a registered trademark before . are you a real person or just a composite . question mark . in either case , i would love a signed photo . sincerely , marge simpson . love . signed photo . marge hasnt asked me for a signed photo in months . well , ill show her . hello . we have a person to call for marge simpson . person to . hello . this is chad sexington , the model for burly paper towels . how did you get my number . i dont know . but i was quite moved by your letter . id love to meet you and your family . shall we say dinner . oh , my goodness perfect . ill be there at . oh , my god . dinner with burly . playing a prankeroo , eh . i was having a private conversation with my wife in the guise of chad sexington . do you mind . so , how was your day . did anything unbelievable happen . phone calls . things of that nature . youre not gonna believe it . that paper towel lumberjack is coming here for dinner tonight . tonight . well , you better get your hopes up . i will . thats him . oh , my god . why , look . its chad sexington . hey , baby . im that guy you like . barney . wheres chad . i congratulations . i feel ridiculous . you mean i was just a prop in some cruel joke . now youve done it . youve really humiliated mom . it was hard on me , too . i had to wear a suit . oh youre right . ive gotta make it up to her . i suggest dinner and a show . how about benihana , where dinner is the show . no , huh . walking to hell and back again i guess it was a pretty funny prank . i like the ones where nothing catches on fire . yeah . nothing is hurt except feelings . walking to hell and back again okay . youve seen our next performer on mike douglas , merv griffin and art linkletters house party . please welcome mesmerino , the hip hypnotist . thank you . thank you very , much , ladies and gentlemen . lets see . who do we have here . well , whats the matter with you , champ . you couldnt find a date . i didnt come here to be heckled and spoofed and whatnot . why did you come here . seriously though . when i snap my fingers , my friend , you will be a make out artist . glayvin . thats a powerful whoa . hold it cause its different . hey , cupcake , listen good . i want you to swallow that gum and meet me in the coatroom , in five , four , three , two , now . whatever you say , professor . and back you go . oh . hey . no , dont make me . i dont want to go back to the nothing . i dont oh , dear . ive redorkulated . hey , smart move , four eyes . sitting next to skeletor here makes you look like hercules . zing . whats a skeletor . no , i kid . but seriously , its very nice to see a young man take his father out for a night of hypnotism before he dies . actually , my father died a long time ago . okay . is anyone here not a downer . anyone . do me . do me . i am in your power . boss me around . when i snap my fingers , you will transform into a famous historian . look at me . im a famous historian . out of my way . thank you . now you are emily dickinson . look at me . im angie dickinson . out of my way . now you are a young boy , uh , yourself at years old . im years old . im with my friends . its a beautiful summer day at the old swimming hole . oh , my god . do something , mesmerino . uh , yes . yes . thats better . dad , whats wrong . we better get him home . there you go . hmm . and bart is set for the week . oh , no . sorry , mrs . s . he was kind of disrupting things at work . yeah . he ruined naptime and quiet time . oh , homie , you poor thing . oh , cool . hes still mental . yeah . my hunch is hes struggling with some sort of repressed memory . hmm . how do we unrepress it . well , the yaqui indians brew a special tea that unlocks memories . it would be a good excuse to use my yaqui tea set . well , is anything coming back to you . oh . there have been so many classic simpson moments . i remember that time i tried to jump over springfield gorge . im gonna make it . lisa no , dad . everyones sick of that memory . try to remember back when you were . something frightening must have happened . hmm . twelve . well , i remember i used to go hiking a lot with these two guys . it was one of those lazy summer days you thought would last forever . and to kill the boredom , we sang . all mister sandman , bring me a dream make him the cutest that ive ever seen check it out , fat tony . those jokers think theyre the cowsills . and lots of wavy hair like liberace you guys have blundered into our secret tobaccy patch . wow . is that wacky tobaccy . the wackiest . lets punch and kick them . not so fast . hes got a daisy . we better scram . eighteen more pumps , that could break the skin . hey , thanks , moe . and thats how a troubled young moe saved the day . moe , what are you doing here . what am i my bar is empty is what . why aint you guys there . were trying to uncover a hidden trauma in my dads childhood . what . you mean that time he wigged out . well , give me some of that indian memory tea there and ill tell you all about it . mmm . thats good yaqui . okay . that night we camped out under the stars . look at all them stars . bunch of lazy lights , dont do nothing for nobody . hey , you know what im looking forward to . the future . have you heard about this internet thing . internet . yeah . its the inner netting they invented to line swim trunks . it provides a comforting snugness . hey , what was that . lenny thats that nuclear plant they just opened . yeah , thats your future , busting atoms . can you imagine us working there . the whole carl crew . hey , i thought we were called lenny and the jets . hey , youre both wrong . were the moe szyslak experience , featuring homer . i like the sound of that . friends forever . all friends forever . homer ow . ow . that hurts . man , were stupid . i hate you guys . moe the next morning we went out to the old quarry to have a swim . you guys really gonna dive off of here . not me . im shaking like a french soldier . yeah . i think i just logged on to my internet . only a moron would jump into that geronimo . oh , my god . and theres your whatchamacall repressed trauma . i mean , who likes getting muddy . its terrible . okay . lets go to moes now . wait a minute . i remember falling in the mud . but i dont think thats why ive been screaming . fine . crap all over my theory . something else happened in that quarry . something else . hey , what happened to all the water . hmm . hey , theres something blocking it . hey , come on . come on , homer . were going to sears to feel the bras . what the heck is that thing . you found a corpse when you were . no wonder youve been so traumatized . its responsible for everything wrong in my life . my occasional overeating , my fear of corpses . what i want to know is what the heck was that body doing there . maybe theres murder afoot . murder most foul . maybe . you know , if dad never told anyone , that body must still be out there . this sounds like a case that only the simpson family can solve . oh . okay . uh , well , just be going then . hey , you guys can come with us . no , . he said simpson family . i mean , you know , it sounded exciting . but , you know , we dont want to intrude . thanks for understanding . oh . oh , okay . well ill see ya . homer bye , moe . yep . the old quarry is just a stones throw away . stop saying that , dad . never . hey , theres mesmerino . seventeen seventy six . how much is left in my checking account . homer this is it . this is the old quarry . maybe we should come back in the daytime . someones yellow belly is showing . oh , sorry . ah , geez . right in the eyes . chief wiggum . whos there . how do you how do you know my name . its us , the simpsons . oh . i saw your car by the gate and i well , i thought you might be lost hikers . cause then i could rescue you , and be a hero . and maybe the city would give me a coupon for free guitar lessons . so what are you doing here . were investigating a possible murder case . oh . you mind if i tag along . im kind of a crime buff . if theres a body in here , well drag it up . heck . its just an old shopping cart . oh , and its empty . put it back . i dont want to see it this way . well never find the body under all this water . water , eh . burly to the rescue . clancy oh , that is so cool . hey . whats that over there . dont get excited . its just a skull shaped rock and a bunch of white sticks . its the body . and someone has eaten the flesh . but whose body is it . and who sent it down that pipe . now do you believe dead rats float , lisa . yes . well , looks like the end of the line . that means our murderer could be on the other side of this hatch . what are you doing in my corpse hatch . montgomery burns , youre under arrest for murder . did i say corpse hatch . i meant innocence tube . then how do you explain this . ive been expecting this day for years . in a way , its a relief . but in another way , its most unwelcome . all right , quit stalling , burns . whod you ice . im afraid that skull belongs to my dear friend , waylon smithers senior . mr . smithers father . but i did not murder him . and i can prove it with this film . oh . a movie . i call the couch . if you see only one film this year that proves my innocence , make it this one . why are these numbers so high . why is that red light flashing . and whats that alarming sound . smithers , get in here . smithers . sorry , monty . i was feeding waylon junior . will you put that baby down . theres something wrong with the reactor core . i better go in and have a look . no , waylon senior . it could be filled with atoms , and steam , and other nuclear bric a . if this reactor blows , the whole town is doomed , including my son . so , youre a baby , huh . hows that working out for you . he did it . look at your heroic daddy in there making funny faces , falling to the floor , shedding his hair , lying perfectly still oh , dear . sir . smithers senior gave his life to save the plant . and since cover ups were all the rage back then , i shoved his heroic corpse down the sewer pipe . i never told smithers the truth about his father . until tonight , sir . smithers junior . ha . busted . now the movies turned into a play . still good though . im sorry i lied to you , waylon . but i wanted to spare you the details of your fathers gruesome death . well , im glad to know he died a hero instead of that other way . i told him his father was killed in the amazon by a tribe of savage women . i hope it didnt affect you in any way . well never know , sir . well , marge , we solved the case of the haunted quarry . homer , shouldnt we give that skull to mr . smithers . why . hed just bury it . hey . hey . i found a clue thats gonna bust your mystery wide open . sorry . we already solved it . oh . well , you want to take a look at it anyways just for ha has . seems kind of pointless now . yeah , i guess youre right . its just that , you know , i went to a lot of trouble , you know , making the envelope and everything . lets see what you have , moe . okay . now this first thing is just gonna look like a used band aid, , and it is . but the rest of the stuff dont make no sense without it . so , you know , bear with me . wow , moe . youve been doing a lot of sleuthing . oh , yeah . oh , yeah . i sleuthed my ass off on this one . okay , this is a number six from somebodys address . or is it a nine . you dont know . this is gravel . okay . gravel . this is thats more gravel . okay . oh . this is thats more gravel . okay . oh . this is a shell that , to me , this is just me talking . it looks like a helmet for a mouse . now , that sounds crazy , right . but if you ask the mice about it , they dont say nothing . i mean , they run the other way . at first , i was just fishing with the helmet thing . but then from the mouse reaction i got , i got a little more concerned . homer you really made that envelope . cause it says hammermill over here . moe um no . springfield . announcer we now return to the planet from outer space . captain , weve been attacked by some sort of force ray . space air is flooding in . right . goggles on . good lord . were on a collision course with a monster from space . thats just a dog in a spacesuit . from the looks of it , a male dog . announcer well return to our film after these very loud messages . hi . im colonel chet manners , five time space shuttle alternate . loser . do you want to boldly go where people like me , but not me , have gone before . then get the orbit king , with yaw control like youve never seen . hey , lise , is dads credit card number you know it is . when you have a rib eye steak you must floss it oh , that meatloaf tasted great you must floss it now floss it , floss it good hey , dad , will you help me build this model rocket . just a second , son . i gotta put on my contacts . i didnt know your dad was so interested in science . science . he didnt say science . he said pie pants . mmm . pie pants . this is launch master homer counting down , five , four , three my eyebrows . my beautiful eyebrows . over here , guvnor . the word unblowupable is thrown around a lot these days , but i think i can say with confidence okay , that shows you what could potentially happen . what was that . greetings from neddedy space center on cape flandaveral . we noticed your sky rotechnics and thought wed join in . oh , looks like a perfect landing . wow . did you see that yaw control . i have eyes , dont i . i would really like to thank you nerds for helping me out . and could you stop calling us nerds . dweeb , wonk , spaz . its all good . who wants some astro lemonade . what precisely makes it astro . look , i dont want to start a whole thing with this . okay , the rockets ready to go . super . now if youll gather round , id like to say a few words . all nerds clear the launch area . lets wait in the car . now , all we need is our astronaut . bart , wheres americas newest hero . hes saying goodbye to his wife . hes leaving her with five babies . she already ate three . thats sensible . son , we are about to break the surly bonds of gravity and punch the face of god . five , four , three , two , one , countdown . wow . thats it . im off the hooch . hey , wine . dad , the rockets off course . okay , nibbles . you can guide her down . step one , right in front of you is a blue handle . pull for a controlled burn of . seconds . now its heading for the church . dont worry . i planned for this . this is the worst thing youve ever done . you say that so much , its lost all meaning . i have convened the church council to see what we should do now . fixing this church should be our top priority . and i say that as a teenager , and the parent of a teenager . fixing all that damage is gonna be very expensive . yes , barring some sort of miracle all right . well help ourselves , yet again . people , we need some fundraising ideas . lets just write to david bowie again . no , hes done enough for this church . anyone else . ive got the answer . just let me run this church like a business . its kind of you to offer , mr . burns , but the buzz around town is that youre , well , evil . thats just a skip rope rhyme . believe me , the lords gonna go for this in a big way . now , whos with me . i guess we have no choice . excellent . youll get yours . this is lindsay naegle . and dont let the skirt fool you . shell have this place making money in no time . isnt that skirt a little north of the knee . youre telling me . i guarantee i can find some new revenue streams . step one , lets sell some ad space . reverend , how would you feel about wearing this robe . conflicted . too bad . youve already signed the deal . actually , he hasnt . well , we highly value your input , until you sign the deal . let me handle this , monty . good idea . ill be hiding behind that tree . what are they doing to the church . were re branding it . the old church was skewing pious . we prefer a faith based emporium , teeming with impulse buy items . i feel like i want to throw up . then my work is done . why does jesus have a lasso . because hes all man . money changed . get your money changed , right here in the temple . that could not be more blasphemous . wheres bart . do a nice one for grandma . fine . these new pews are so comfy . i am not going to be taken in by all of this . lisa , dont sulk . youre on the jumbotron . adorable . and lord , please remember our infirm parishioners , especially mrs . glick , whos recovering from hip surgery . and now , let us rise and um hes not gonna say it . trust me . hell say it , or ill bust him down to thursday night vespers . and thank crazy larry whose big screen tv prices are insane . and now , to deliver a special sermon on the sanctity of deliciousness , the noid . thats it . quiet , lisa . everyone in the store is looking at you . they should take a good look at themselves and what their church has become . lisa , its still the same basic message . weve just dressed it up a little . like the whore of babylon . that is a false analogy . no , its not . its apt . apt . dont you see what mr . burns has done to this church . he restored it from nave to narthex . he super sized the pews for the zaftig believers . he put ice in the urinals . those are all wonderful things , but theyve cost the church its soul . and i , for one , will not be a part of it . do you want your hand stamped so you can come back in . no . im leaving this church forever . oh , no . i dont know how to feel . you should be very upset . got it . homer how is that . marge a little much . lord , im not turning my back on you . i just need to find a temple thats free of corruption . why do you have to be so different . always making a big deal out of everything . mom , i know its you . i cant believe youre eavesdropping on my prayers . honey , im worried about your soul . i want at least one person from this family to go to heaven . i still believe in god . i just think theres another path to him or her . her . shes just kidding , mr . lord . still looking for a new faith . yeah . hey , how about one of those religions where you eat a human heart . no . how about methodist . no . look , im not just gonna pick a religion that seems cool . im gonna pick one thats right for me . how about judaism . when you turn cha ching . im going out for a walk . lenny and carl . you guys are buddhists . yeah . if i didnt have inner peace , id completely go psycho on all you guys all the time . well , im looking for a new faith , one that isnt so materialistic . well , youve come to the right place . buddhism teaches that suffering is caused by desire . richard gere . the worlds most famous buddhist . what about the dalai lama . who . you know , the th reincarnation of the buddha avalokiteshvara . whos buddha . its a good thing buddhism teaches freedom from desire , cause ive got the desire to kick your ass . mr . gere , i was hoping buddhism could bring me inner peace . or is that just a pipe dream . we all have dreams . mine is of a free tibet . that would be so great . i dream about meatball sandwiches , all you for two bucks . good luck . this pamphlet contains the teachings of the buddha . all things are impermanent , and are empty of inherent existence . hey , richard , in an officer and a gentleman , did you really do all those sit ups . i wish . i did one , and they just showed it times . nirvana is achieved through right views and right speech . positive actions lead to happiness and negative actions lead to unhappiness . no creator gods , just the pursuit of enlightenment . im a buddhist . lisa hey , im a buddhist . my satan sense is tingling . into the root cellar , boys . when can we come out . maybe never . yay . yay . so , you think you know better than this family , huh . well , as long as youre in my house , youll do what i do and believe what i believe . so , butter your bacon . yes , father . mom , dad , my spiritual quest is over . hold that thought . bacon up that sausage , boy . but , dad , my heart hurts . im a buddhist . what . thats it . no more chat rooms for you . you know , lisa , around here , buddhists dont get any desserts in their lunches . a buddhist wouldnt want any . hey , simpson , i hear your sister dumped christianity . who cares . ill tell you someone who cares . hes got long hair , works as a carpenter , has a lot of crazy ideas about love and brotherhood . his names gunnar , and hes dating my mom . sometimes , he buys us beer . i thought kearney was dating your mom . hey , she came on to me . get him . hey , lisa . what are you doing . im planting my own bodhi tree . if i meditate under it , perhaps i can find inner peace . honey , is this about some boy at school who doesnt like you . no . good . im just saying that any boy who doesnt like you is not worth your time . youre gonna get a bath tonight . so , the good news is church revenues are up . and when will the church see any of this money . when hell freezes over , suckers . mr . burns laughing whatever . just take it . well , next on our agenda , marge simpsons devil daughter . shes not a devil . i just dont know what to do . well , christmas is coming , huh . yeah . and santa doesnt leave presents under the bodhi tree . you think we can bribe her back with christmas . marge , you can save more souls with roller skates and easy bake ovens than with this time to begin operation x mas remind of how good is . just do it . do it . do it now . i think this tree could use an angel . well , at least its tasteful . i was just making christmas cookies . but since you dont believe in christmas anymore , i guess you dont want any . well , they do smell good . its a pity . all right . trash cookies . uh oh . i think i ate a dog food lid . here she comes . and a one, , and a two, , and a we wish you a merry christmas we wish you a merry christmas we wish you a merry christmas we wish you a merry christmas we wish we wish hello , lisa . i just came down for a glass of water . well , you do have a present under the tree . i guess no one told santa you were a buddhist . well , santa can take it back because im not ruled by material is that a pony . i dont know what santa left you . i just know his name is clip clop and he loves sugar . lisa , we love you , and were not trying to put any pressure on you . aw . lick it . lick it . no . oh , no . our daughters run away on christmas eve . more sugar , please . bags in the kitchen . all right . my family tried to trick me into celebrating christmas . you know , we are meditating . oh . sorry . thats all right . i was only about to achieve enlightenment . but whod want that . who likes short shorts . i like short shorts . those guys are way off . anyway , your family didnt have to trick you . buddhists respect the diversity of other religions as long as theyre based on love and compassion . its true . so , why dont you go home . im sure your family really misses you . i can really celebrate christmas . you can celebrate any holiday . and , you know , my birthday is august . oh . ill send you an e mail greeting card . sweet . now i really should be getting back to my family . yeah . im spending tonight with my step daughter, , hannah . i do her hair , then she does mine . were gonna go spend christmas with moe , you know , so he dont have one of his christmas accidents . hey , he cant do much without this . i did it . i found our dog . now our christmas is complete . we were looking for lisa . i thought we were caroling . we better call the police . lisa . you came back . yeah . i wanted to spend christmas with you guys . so , youre back on the winning team . no , im still buddhist . but i can worship with my family , too . so , youre just going to pay lip service to our church . uh huh . thats all i ever asked . well , im just glad youre back . and dont worry , honey . ill pray double hard for both of us . now lets get you some christmas cookies . thanks , mom . hey , wheres my pony . yes . merry christmas to us all . im serious . make with the pony . and a happy and healthy new year . here , clip clop . here , pony pony . happy , new year . springfield . lets get started . first id like to announce that thanks to the magic of disney animatronics , strom thurmond will live another twenty more terms . moving on to new business , what act of unmitigated evil shall the republican party undertake this week . oh . oh , . youve already done enough , nader . lets get rid of pbs . those lousy muppets have been taking food out of my mouth for too long . i say we crack down on the hippies . bla . what about this dang environment . back in texas , we got rid of it , and it made everyone a lot happier . all he was so happy excellent . we shall destroy the environment by scrapping every anti pollution law . now bob dole will read from the necronomicon . in addition , the administration has declared recycling a felony . and smokey the bear is now choppy the lumberjack . these trees are our national heritage . a grizzly bear with a chainsaw . now theres a killing machine . stop endangering yourself . stop endangering yourself . eyes stinging . good lord . acid rain . im singing in the rain just singing in the rain what a glorious feeling it burns like a glasgow bikini wax . wed better stay inside , at least until the squirrels stop melting . no problem . theres plenty of activities inside . now lets see how our blind dates liked each other . oh , i really felt there was a connection , and i would definitely go out with her again . he smelled like puke . the tv . stop screaming , homer . quit trying to control me . we dont need tv to have family fun . why dont we play monopoly . which version . weve got star wars monopoly . lets stick to original monopoly . the game is crazy enough as it is . how can an iron be a landlord . pennsylvania avenue . i want to buy a house . hey , whered they go . new shooter . thats it , baby . welcome to marvin gardens . well see about that . one , two , three doh . youre a little light here , dad . im good for the rest . you know i am . well , id like to trust you , homer . but youve been in jail three times . they told me it would be like this on the outside . these hotels are made of legos . bart , youre cheating . lisa , it was probably an accident . oh , sure . you take his side just because he bought you that house on st . james place . who else is gonna take care of her . dad . why you little stop fighting . mom , thats not how you pry them apart . ive been prying them apart since before you were born . okay . everyone turn to the left . hey . oh , come on , people . the prison nutcracker suite is one week away . and i dont see five sugar plums . i see five guys who dont know their moves and dont seem to care . there , i said it . that better be wardrobe . and it better be good news . hello . it sounds like a domestic disturbance . all right . well be right back . and dont try anything , because johanssen there is a snitch . another case of monopoly related violence , chief . how do those parker brothers sleep at night . we better send in the negotia bot . i am brenda . i am programmed to talk in a calm and constructive manner . destroy . destroy . hey , this is taffy . police brutality . and chew tality . nice work , brenda . ill take it from here . no way . this is my collar . too bad real women dont come with these , huh . you got that right . quiet , you . that counts as your phone call . thanks a lot , everybody . now , ill never get into an ivy league school . youre going to stanford . youre going to stanford . youre going to stanford . youre going to stanford . take it back . take it back . stanford . this family has hit rock bottom . hello . im gabriel . a heavenly choir . you must be an angel . no . thats my pager . im a social worker . im here to help you stop fighting and become a family again . no . you are an angel . like denzel washington in the preachers wife , or will smith in bagger vance , or slimer in ghostbusters . sir , we know youre not an angel . my husband sees too many movies . dont blame me . blame tinseltown in its second golden age , may it never end . in a difficult case like this , i like to observe each family member individually . well , my room is my sanctuary . my family knows that and respects that . i got sprayed by a skunk . let me rub it off on your sweaters . just more years . just more years . just more years . attention , everyone . this is gabriel , my personal social worker . he has to be here . im just that nuts . how come you get a social worker . im the one with stigmata . thank you , marge . you sure do love cooking . food keeps my family happy . so , i make a few practice dinners before showtime . because at we go live . ah . okay , gabriel , this is a bar . its where i go to drink alcohol , which is the mortal equivalent of your ambrosia . homer , i am not an angel . well , not with that temper . look , the thing about my family is theres five of us . marge , bart , girl bart , the one who doesnt talk , and the fat guy . how i loathe him . homer oh . okay . why are we in the woods . is this heaven . no . i brought you out here to shake off your negative behavior patterns . marge , you medicate your family with food . bart , youll do anything for attention . cut that out . they chose me . homer , your problem is quite simple . youre a drunken , childish buffoon . which is societys fault because its your fault , homer . but ive got an exercise that will help all of you break out of the roles youre stuck in . who feels like lunch . me . me . right here . me , too . good . i hung it on the top of that tree . but how are we supposed to get it . youll just have to cooperate . cooperate . well , this is one family that doesnt swing that way . are you sure . i made roast beef sandwiches , one falafel thank you . and plenty of beer . give me that beer . gabriel , are you okay . yes . but im afraid your lunch has attracted some unwanted visitors . weve got to do something . but what . okay , family huddle . heres how its gonna go down . as a family , we drive away . we cover for each other as a family . thats what gabriel wouldve wanted . look . we cant fall into old patterns . weve got to think of a plan . okay . but talk like this . fine . ill talk like this . what . look , gabriel . were learning to work together . thats great . but so are the wolves and cougars . dads on the log . now , mom , you get the car and pull them to safety . my driving ankle . bart , i know this sounds crazy , but do you think you can drive a car . okay . but its my first time . heres the keys . i got a set . now , bart . give them the food . oh , no . the roast beef is making them stronger . and the falafel is making them angrier . give them the beer . it will impair their motor skills . no . i will never oh , wait . its blatz . hey , theyre all right . all we are family our bitter fights are now history all we are family wolves and cougars ate our roast beef well , i think you all did great . you broke out of your normal roles to accomplish something as a family . i really earned my wings . i knew it . no . i mean this cd . band on the run you know , weve been through some adventures together , but our bond has never been stronger . mmm . yeah . our family is as functional as all get out . could this be the end of our series of events . can i help you . yeah . im looking for homer simpson . oh , its the woman i married in vegas . homer , youre a bad man , and your seed should be wiped from the earth . no offense , children . homer and ned , you may now kiss your brides . give it to me , baby . homer . its okay . were married . you and ned married a couple of floozies . marge , im sorry . but it wasnt my fault . liquors drunkened me . if i had known there were loose women in las vegas , i would never have let you go . look , i did marry her . but i abandoned her . amber , tell her how i abandoned you . this is the worst thing youve ever done . well , ginger , it sure is neat that you managed to hunt me down . wheres the bed . oh lord , i know my new wife is a little more peppermint than youre used to . but i know youd want me to honor my sacred vows . so , i will . hey , stud . where do you keep your wet ones . i need a shower . oh , weve got a real shower upstairs . upstairs . i hit the jackpot . so , sitting on the bed , eh . get out , homer . look , i married her . but that is as far as we went . we never ever made whoopee , or even mouth whoopee . homer , i dont know if i can ever forgive you . please go away . fair enough . but im gonna come back with the greatest gift a husband can give his wife . an annulment from his secret wife . mr . simpson , under nevada law , bigamy , or mormon hold em , is perfectly legal . both marriages stand . but i only love marge . i hereby order you to take care of both of your wives . bailiff , ring him . you cant kick me out . itll cause a miscount in the census . a miscount . of all things to ever come back and bite me in the ass , this is the worst . please , just leave me alone . now , . mamas gonna make you a snack . oh . oh , yeah . thats good . dont stop . oh , yeah faster . faster . faster . faster . oh , you do that like a pro . oh , no . shes making him a sandwich . homer use both hands . rise and shine and give god your glory , . me and the boys made you breakfast in bed . its the best darn diddily way to start your first flanders day . think you can irish up this coffee for me . oops . watch the swears , honey bear . we dont use the i word in this house . wheres my cigarettes . we flushed your sin sticks down to hell . smokers are jokers . smokers are jokers . smokers are jokers . i think im gonna throw up . who wants to hold mommys hair . me . me . i do . hey , vegas mom , how long are you gonna stay here . im not going anywhere . i already unpacked my delicates . doesnt it bother you that youre breaking up our family . you know , i bet you and me could be friends . i could show you how to put on makeup . im eight years old . you could look seven . and i could teach you to count cards . nah . i already got a system . lenny jeez , homer . i thought someone with two wives would be happy . no . youre thinking of someone with two knives . i gotta tell you , this is pretty terrific . yeah . cant panic . must remain calm . ah . the sweet couple of seconds before i remember why im sleeping on the lawn . homer . marge , youre speaking to me . why dont you come inside and well talk . talk about what . sports . bigamy . bigamy . not a sports fan , huh . you insensitive jerk . maybe this family would be better off without you . you know , there are only so many times i can say im sorry and still mean it . why dont you just take britney beers and get out of here . i would , if it wasnt for the kids . hey , the heart wants what it wants , dude . we had a good run . well , thats the last well see of them . come on . were going to moes . my ladys glass is empty , moe . bring her another cookies and cream martini . no , honey . this time make it a sex on the beach . and hold the beach . hey , homer . your new wife is great . her lips look like night crawlers . you know , she can put that mole anywhere on her face . wow . to amber , who proves there are seconds in the buffet of life . oh , my head . aspirin . ru  . morning , love muffin . who are you . im your new husband . and that was a wedding night ill never forget . oh , no . we didnt . well , we almost didnt . but you wouldnt take i cant for an answer . you want to give honest abe another term in the oval office . no . oh , thank god . were married . but how . do you , amber , take abraham as your lawful wedded husband , renouncing all others . oh , sure . he paid for the hour . whoo hoo . you crapped out , vegas mom . our plan worked perfectly . and we carried it out as a family . what plan . you got me drunk . yeah . but this time you woke up with more than a hangover . youre married to me . me . i cant take it . youre too goody goody . thats not you talking . thats the honey mustard dressing . come on , ginger . lets go back to vegas . yeah . im sure theres poker games we can be won in . im so proud of us . when we stick together , we can do anything . oh . i lost another wife . im so sorry , grampa . well , it hurts now . but the senility will take care of that . there she goes . you know , i have a son about your age . oh , i love that . springfield . oh . my brain . a library selling books . if i dont want them for free , why would i want to pay for them . why do you always wait till we arrive to complain . i dont know . ah . the full leonard nimoy cycle , i am not spock , then i am spock , and finally , i am also scotty . mmm . thats what we look like inside . its disgusting . oh . that lady swallowed a baby . good heavens . lisa , youre not buying more than your weight in books . but i have to save them . the books no one buys get chopped up and fed to pigs . helen fieldings giving them pigs bridget jones diarrhea . well , what about this . the duff book of world records . its got pictures of deformities . okay . oh . oh , my god . wow . now thats a goiter . why would duff beer put out a book . it was originally published to settle arguments in taverns . she said tavern . im going to moes . i never agreed to that rule . well , i say the most clothespins a man could attach to his face is . you counting the neck . you know i am . all right . outside . peace , my people . all shall be looked up . lets see . most clothespins swallowed , inserted here we go . clipped to face and neck .  . jeez , i was wrong . but i aint angry . and im magnanimous in victory . wow , thats the best book ive ever seen . no . the best book youve ever seen is tom clancys op center . that thing knows me better than i know myself . oh . heres a good one . the worlds most overrated saint francis of assisi . francis of assisi . oh , ive used up all these records . why dont you try to set a record , dad . thats a great idea . do you think i could run a mile in three and minutes . only on mars . the simpsons are going to mars . so pack your or maybe ill think of something else . youre a cinch to be the worlds fattest man . no , im here for the greatest living actor . im here to break a world record . whats the longest anyones ever done this . three years . fine . ill just play the banjo with this cobra . wait , . technically the cobra would get the record . hes the one playing . but its my banjo . mr . simpson , there are thousands of people like you with no discernable talent . yeah . theyre called congress . shut up . okay . all the individual records were set by crackpots who half killed themselves . the only way someone new can get in the book is with some kind of group stunt . group stunt . like that town that made the worlds largest omelet . denver . no , spanish . fellow springfielders . i have called you all here so we can enter the duff book of world records . were going to build the worlds tallest human pyramid . finally this town will have a real claim to fame . aye . we can stop all the lies . i havent seen this much flesh since elke sommers hot tub party . seriously , elkes great . always there for sick kids . doing great things . okay . let me check the specs . ah . my vision is coming to life . man hey . man hey . man thanks , great . all right , ill make base camp here and try for the summit tomorrow . yeah , dad . you can be the worlds laziest stunt organizer . why , you little youre about a foot short of the record . wait a minute . we did it . springfield rules . not yet . you have to hold it for three mississippis . one mississippi two mississippi dude , youre touching my hand . both ewe . oh , my hairstyle . not again . goodbye , cruel world . hello , ironic twist . i am so far from my car . dude , youre lying on top of me . dude . wait a minute . look at the scale . divide by the number of people , subtract belts and shoes everyone , welcome to the duff book of world records . springfield is the worlds fattest town . woo hoo . in your face , milwaukee . congratulations , fellow springfielders . this town will no longer be known as americas sorrow . today i declare springfield fat city , usa . i cant believe it . everyones celebrating their obesity . yee ha . now that everyones so open about being fat , i can finally stop sucking in my gut . i dont know how this town got so fat . mom , were out of frosting gobs . here , have one of my fudge stuffed toaster pies . mmm . you kids do eat a lot of sugar , but at least homer can have a nice healthy grapefruit . yeah . you cant improve on nature . look at all the empty calories . oh . sugar free donuts . no , that is sugar with free donuts . huh . apu , everything in this store is overloaded with sugar . marge has a point . sugar is not only fattening , its also terribly , addictive . is my carton of pixy stix in . no , it hasnt come in yet . damn it . when they come in , you call me at this number . i am sorry , but everything in this store , from the honey glazed cauliflower to the choco blasted baby aspirin , comes from the motherloving sugar corporation . well , im going to have a talk with them . where are their worldwide headquarters located . why , right down the street . thats lucky . excuse me . im looking for the head of motherloving sugar . yes . im garth motherloving . im marge simpson . long time customer , first time complainer . hey , marge . im not up on the current slang , but do the kids still say , get the hell out of my office . i want you to stop putting so much sugar in everything . or at least warn people that its so unhealthy . mmm . thatll boost sales . while were at it , why dont i just change my name back to hitler . dont you have any sense of corporate responsibility . hey . look , lady , if you have a problem , bring it up with your sewing circle , okay . but were on hiatus . everyones everywhere . note to marge . get out . ill play it later . if you looked up meanie beanie in the dictionary , youd see his picture . wait . you went to a sugar factory . were there oompa loompas . there was one in a cage , but he wasnt moving . oh . that companys ruining the whole towns health , and i dont know how to stop them . why dont you file a class action suit . oh , yeah . like erin brockovich . the prostitute with the heart of gold . im not sure i can afford a fancy lawyer . thats okay , mom . todays law schools are churning out . lawyers for every person in america . look . pick me . pick me . me so litigious . pick me . i just passed the bar , see . oh . hop in . we want to sue the sugar industry for selling a harmful product . we have to sign up plaintiffs and take depositions from the townspeople . ah , jeez . you dont want old gil going door to . oh , ive made too many enemies selling suckless vacuum cleaners and rick james bibles . dont worry . ill do the legwork . im filing a class action lawsuit against big sugar . would you like to give a deposition . sure . ill join your lawsuit . sugars made my ralphie hyperactive . im happy and angry . oh , shoot . ill sign . figure them sugar folk owe me for what they done to my cousin , dia betty . im trying to slim down so i can fit into mommas coffin . thats my reward . now lets see if i can remember how to make my mark . ill get down with your lawsuit . disco stu got hooked on the white stuff back in the s . more , how do you like it . how do you like it . more , how do you like it . how do you like it . more , oh , hello , homer . well , . if it isnt the woman whos too busy saving the world to save her own marriage . what are you talking about . is that dinner . it was dinner . why didnt you just turn off the oven . i was hoping we could do that together . hello . frink marge simpson . who is this . im an anonymous whistleblower . i worked on a top secret project called operation hoyvin mayvin . professor frink . oh , what gave me away . out of curiosity , was it the hoyvin or the mayvin or was it the whole gahoyving thing that i do . so , professor , tell us about operation hoyvin mayvin . well , we knew perfectly well it was addictive . candy was just a sugar delivery system . we thought we were god . hoyvin mayvin . frink , you little weasel . ill kill you . may i remind you were in open court . ill kill you , too . ill kill you all . mr . motherloving , that could be interpreted as a threat . ill kill you while you sleep . objection . ill allow it . now , count fudgula , how long were you spokes vampire for motherlovings breakfast cereals . twenty of your mortal years , but i had to quit when my fangs succumbed to gingivitis . now all my victims have to be mashed up . all aw . your honor , i admit it looks bad for me , but i think you might be turned around by some surprising taste imony . sir , this is a house of justice , not a sugar shack . its hershey highwaymen like you who made me fat . well , your honor , the court carries it well . silence . i rule in favor of marge simpson . all yay . oh , i am so proud of you . and thanks to marge simpsons damning evidence , i hereby ban all sugar products from springfield forever . get in the car . good evening . our top story , springfields cake hole has been shut forever . under what has been dubbed marges law , all forms of sugar are now illegal . thank you , erin choco snitch . that was a group effort . i was just trying to make this a healthier place to live . well , good work , blue hair . okay , that was mine . so , say a bittersweet farewell to such old friends as mud pies , bite ems , eclairios , chew ems , kelloggs all fudge, , big red snack foam , milk chuds , eat ems . and all sugar pills will be changed back to highly concentrated opiates . thats it , boys . burn it all . even this promotional johnny depp from the movie chocolat . we melted for him . now hes gonna do likewise . all right . time to throw in the butterfingers . hmm . its not even singed . even the fire doesnt want them . sugar . need sugar . aye . theyre not riding the white horse anymore . my baby . wheres my baby . nothing left . nothing left . oh . a sticky spot . mr . simpson , youre licking blood and vaporub . part of me knew that . there is a small group committed to bringing sugar back to this town by any means necessary . im with you all the way . but first homer cool . gentlemen , i have found the final member of our cabal . count fudgula . i thought you wanted to get off the stuff . im a monster . dont look at me . homer , we need you to help us smuggle in sugar from south of the border . oh , you mean tennessee . no , the island of san glucose . good times . is it really worth risking your lives just for some sugar . marge desserts on . i steamed some limes . godspeed . there is the island . its go time . oh . im only doing this one more time . hows he doing . i think hes grossed out by some seaweed . homer ew . i touched it . over . get a grip , simpson . youre doing fine . now , do you have your map . kind of . come on . give it . i know . ill try reverse psychology . i dont want that stupid map . doh . okay , man , heres the sugar . now , you give us the money . that wasnt part of the deal . hes right . who wrote this thing . well , were almost home . has everyone keistered their personal supply . cause i sure havent . chief wiggum hold it right there . surrender or prepare to be sunk . no way . well defy you to the death . stroke , . im rowing as fast as i can , sir . no . im having one . remember what i told you about running away from your troubles . yeah . lets do it . my baby . i like to think weve made a difference today . good work , simpson . before i bring the sugar in , i want to see the oompa loompa . hes right over there . that guy is freaky . well , heres your sugar . no , homer . youll be condemning this town to a life of obesity and diabetes . dont listen to her , homer . oh , they both make such good arguments . please , homie . dump the sugar . for me . sugar is pouring into the water . aye , tis a sugary brine . mmm . this sugar shark is delicious . ow . hey , he bit me back . oh . so thats how its gonna be , huh . gee , everyone looks so happy . indeed , marge . and now that i think of it , i wildly exceeded my authority , and i declare the sugar ban over . can we , mom . can we . can we , mom . can we . please , . please , . oh . all right , but take maggie with you . mmm . i guess you just cant use the law to nag . maybe i should just stop trying to change the world . no , marge . i love when you do that . youre a regular caring a . thats the best one . thats what i told lisa . sugar ah , honey , hey , i found some pearls . no , wait . theyre just my teeth . well , i can still make a necklace out of them . springfield . ah , theres nothing better than relaxing with my favorite magazine . oh , theyre showing the filling now . can they do that . what the hell is that . rainbows . tank tops . empowerment . this is the gay pride parade . woo hoo . both were here . were queer . get used to it . you do this every year . we are used to it . spoil sport . uh oh , honey . think pink . look , a salute to safe sex . smithers were gay . were glad . patty but dont tell mom and dad . wouldnt it be great if that man and woman got together . cool . its lesbians of the caribbean . yo , ho , its an alternative lifestyle for me oh , a salute to brunch . wave to brunch , maggie . oh , look at those abs . everyone here has a six pack and im the only one with a keg . oh , god . cover up . thats it . were out of here . four tickets for shenani goats . why is this movie pg  . it may contain brief rudeness , adult explosions , and scenes with garry shandling . these are so easy . its obviously tom hanks . who . otm shank . he is indias answer to brian dennehy . otm shank . uh oh . come on . show the movie . narrator justins soccer team was in last place you suck . no wonder your parents are getting divorced . narratoruntil they dug up a new player . ed oneill is soccer mummy . playing i feel good go , soccer mummy . you taught me to believe in myself . i feel good uh oh . the professor said not to let him get a boner . im laughing . but its a laugh of impatience . show the movie . so many previews . so many previews . so many previews . announcer and now , our feature presentation . man if thats a phrase you like to hear , then youll love movie call . start the movie . all start the movie . start the movie . start the movie . start the theyre out of control . well , if we wanted to live forever , we wouldnt have become ushers . stop the madness . start the movie . maybe we should try to calm dad down . i prefer to egg him on . hey , dad , has the movie started yet . homer , youre going to get in trouble . im not scared of those ushers . what are they gonna do . advance on me . this ends here . and so , for helping to ko litter in our community , i hereby dedicate this statue of drederick tatum . litter is my most treacherous foe . i would like to eat its children . so long , suckers . my mouth . my beautiful mouth . excellent bout . now we go party . homer , youve suffered a broken jaw . broken jaw . he wont be able to talk for quite some time . ive wired his jaw shut . its all explained in this pamphlet . hmm . oh , dear . you cant eat solid foods . those are his favorites . i cant eat solid food . stop it , homer . oh , dont worry . on a man his size , that just provides sexual release . uh oh . hey , dad , im gonna make a human yo yo . if you object , clearly say no . no . no objections , eh . thats great . milhouse , you ready to imitate that jackass show . all those disclaimers made me want to do it more . oh , yeah . hey , duff lovers . does anyone in this bar love duff . hey , its duffman . newsweek said you died of liver failure . duffman can never die . only the actors who play him . oh , yeah . you must be here for the duff trivia challenge . thats right , local distributor . one of you could win a lifetime supply of duff . okay , chug monkeys , what beverage brewed since ancient times is made from hops and grains . how about ancient hop grain juice . beer . beer . beer . wait , . homers trying to make a guess . beer , . what are you doing . youre getting some kind of booze all over me . times up . the answer is beer . oh . duff luck . i never wouldve figured that out . thats the kind of thing you just gotta know . i am not gonna make you another sparerib smoothie . most people with their jaws wired shut dont gain weight . how was your day . do you really want to know . uh huh . well , lets see . i was in the kitchen counting the corncobs on the curtains , when who should ring the doorbell but ned flanders . it seems he wants to ban culottes in the schools . pardon my french , but sometimes that mans a goofy doofy . homer marge thinks flanders is annoying . this marriage just got interesting . homer shes so cute . ah . uh oh . you want to know what happened . really . we were playing foursquare and i called no double taps , and ralph double taps . and i said , youre out , and he says , i can do a summersault , which had nothing to do with anything . homer aw . maybe a hug will cork her cry hole . thanks for listening , dad . we gotta coordinate on this thing . uh huh . so the substitute teacher comes in and says her name is mrs . doody , and everyones looking at me like , take it , bart . run with it . then it hits me . ive become a clown . a class clown . and it sickens me . homer wow , bart has feelings . mrs . doody . three wars back we called sauerkraut liberty cabbage , and we called liberty cabbage super slaw . and back then , a suitcase was known as a swedish lunchbox . course , nobody knew that but me . anyway , long story short is a phrase whose origins are complicated and rambling . you know , tomorrow is the annual springfield formal event . we werent going to go after last years unpleasantness . that donkey is such a bad influence on you . but breaking your jaw has made you so sweet . maybe we can go . mmm hmm . mmm . i better polish those jaw wires for tomorrow . a formal . the one place you can wear a tiara and not look crazy . uh huh . so , how are we enjoying the festivities . yes . the music is from southern hungary . thats quite an ear . have some money . your husband is quite the gentleman . most people laugh at my googly eye . well , ive never seen a man politely pass up so many hors doeuvres . my husband , maxtone witherball , has already had three shrimp . someones done her henpecking . you two are quite the couple . you must dine with us at toad hall . thank you . this has been one of the most magical evenings of my life . im horny . i dont know what you said , but im sure it was beautiful . oh , homer . this is the kind of night i thought we could never have together . incident free . mmm mmm . oh , homer , drop by my office tomorrow and i can remove those jaw wires . youll be just the way you used to be . and reverend , ill put in those pec implants on thursday . super . homer , your breath smells terrible . ill have to take off my shoes to cover the odor . nicely done . and when i couldnt talk , i learned to listen . i learned so much about my family . youd be surprised how much you hear if you just listen once in awhile . really . lets try it . moe hello . yeah . id like to arrange for an escort , please . to where . how about orgasmville . you hello . hello . oh . hey . how you doing . i was just telling all the guys how losing the power of speech made me a better man . i couldnt agree more . youre todays modern , enlightened man , the kind we television producers have been booking since the mid s . hey , what are you doing in here . im an alcoholic . homer , will you appear on my show . sure thing , alky . female announcer welcome to afternoon yak . today we will meet a man who couldnt open his mouth , so he learned to open his heart . please welcome homer and marge simpson . so , marge , tell . whats it like kissing a man with a mouth full of metal . my boyfriend has a metal tongue stud . who cares whats on his tongue , as long as hes a stud where it counts . im talking downtown . marge , what was homer like before he broke his jaw . well , he would eat all the time . wed be making love and hed have a mouth full of hersheys miniatures . krackel was my favorite . i hope that was the only miniature in the bedroom . im talking downtown . and before he broke his jaw he never listened , but now he takes to heart everything i say . well , as much as humanly possible . well , marge told us when you didnt listen , it led to weckless , criminal behavior . he did such crazy things . roll the clip . ostrich burgers . get your ostrich burgers . ill take one . okay . you pick one out and ill punch it to death . hmm . hey there , little sweet dude , i thought we were friends . well , im not proud of that clip . homela , its easy to change , but whats hard is not changing back . do you promise not to revive your weckless , ways . i dont know . the demolition derby is next month . please , homie . no more craziness . for me . well , okay . for you , ill be as dull as dilbert . very good . our next topic , my son still wets the bed . you told me we were going to red lobster . hmm . all clean , just the way i left it . homer im gonna kill you . well , so much for the new homer . whats going on . were rehearsing a play . yes , and i was merely reading the title , im gonna kill you . oh . its just a false alarm . yep . nothing to get excited about . well , ill be in the kitchen if you need me . professor van doran , so good to see you . ah . rehearsing a play , i see . this place is so dull . the button is covered with dust . i just poured myself a new glass of milk . the old one sat out for a little while . are you coming to bed . its . marge , i could stand here and argue with you , but then id have to get a new glass of milk . good night , honey . boy , things are going really good . good , . hmm . look at that freckle . i should dig that out . good . good . that feels good . marge this place is so boring . if somebody doesnt do something interesting , im gonna have to . but what . the demolition derby . oh , thatll scratch my itch . marge . marge is gone . but at least the demolition derby form is what . no . oh , listen to all that revving . announcer drivers , start your engines . vendors , start your gouging . man ill pay anything . announcer and now , smashie smashie . looking good , mrs . s . uh oh . come on , old girl . show them what you got . whoa . catch you later , radiator . oh , my god . i hit someone . then i taunted him . ive never felt more alive . what was i thinking trying to feel alive . forget that . dont hurt me . im not like you people . im loved . i caught a head . oh , dang . its been scooped out . go around . go around . there she is . dad , youve gotta do something . but bold moves are no longer my forte . she could get hurt . what do i do . what do i do . wait , i know . beer here . sure , sonny . this beers deliskous . im gonna saves me wife . now , lets get this show on the road . so many dings . homer quit banging my wife . announcer a man on a donkey . never in my six weeks on the job have i seen the likes of this . looks like i needs some fuel for me mule . gas for me ass . looks like a little angel . now to save me marge . homer , save me . save me . he saved her . isnt it great to have the old dad back . i thought you liked the new dad . whatever . this family needs a live wire , but its just not me . thats okay , marge . youre a good wet blanket . the kind i like wrapped around me . aw . announcer when homers jaw was crushed , his life took a nitro burning funny turn . announcer oh , yeah . its important to grow , but if you take it to the max , its gonna get ugly . announcer in the mud . springfield . dream oh , jar everyone hates you but me . in my arms when i want you cool . moms on drugs . if we turn her in , we can get a form letter from dick cheney . shes not on drugs . she couldnt sleep because of dads chronic snoring . im taking him to dr . hibberts this afternoon . you know how hard it is to get a doctor on wednesday morning . yah . i havent lost so much sleep since little bartie had the scoots . well , theres a surgical option , but its not cheap . heres what it costs . interesting . heres my counteroffer . get out . ill get it . pedals , people . so lisa , do you have a date for the harvest dance . this is not a good time . its never a good time . overnight bag , no husband in sight . its happened . she left homer . ill get the champale . and lets get that ring off . whoa , delilah . i didnt leave homer , and i never will . i just need one night away from his snoring . great . well have a girls night . no bras . lets catch the tail end of nooky in new york . nooky in new york . its a cable show about four single women who act like gay men . that sounds great . if im not having sex by the end of this goat cheese quesadilla , im gonna scream . i also enjoy sex . since this morning , ive had sex with a new york knick , two subway cops and a guy who works on wall street . broker . nah , shes just really sore . this is so like our lives . its like they hid a camera in our apartment . tv announcer coming up next on bho , its arli . both ah . gentlemen , start your envy . mens world magazine has listed the richest men in the country , and coming in at number five is springfield native artie ziff . oh . whoa . your old boyfriend . please . we went out once . artie made mega bucks with a revolutionary invention , a converter that changes that horrible modem noise into easy listening music . also available with lyrics . hey , computer geek you will be connected in no time what a catch . why didnt you sink your claws into him at the prom . yeah . he was warm for your form . well , he seemed like a sweet little shrimp . but then he turned into an octopus . artie . artie , no . stop . marge . marge , you know you cant resist my busy hands . artie , get off of me . well , i think you should get in touch with him , you know , just to congratulate him on his success . well , i suppose i could write him a letter . are you nuts . e mail, , female . you just tell us what you want to say . okay , hold onto your hats . dear artie . dear hottie . congratulations on your recent tv appearance . i want to sex you up . your love slave , marge . you cant use the word sex on the internet . watch me . anti trust suit . anti trust suit a note from marge simpson . well , isnt that a coincidence . i was just thinking about her . for the last years . lisa mom , did you sleep well at your sisters . mmm hmm . homer whoo . mmm . marge for you . oh . heres to a happy , well rested marge . hey , a helicopters landing on our lawn . lets approach with caution . unguarded breakfasts . the sweetest taboo . oh . well , marge bouvier . artie ziff . oh . that e mail . look , i got a little drunk and we were im not surprised you want me back in your life . you cant spell party without artie , if you misspell party . or artie . how you doing . look , its great to see you , but you should know im happily married . married . was it consummated . pretty much , yeah . whats going on . homer , dont talk with your mouth full . ive told you before , its rude . oh ho . trouble in paradise . hey , marge . its that guy who couldnt get any off you . how would you all like to take a ride with me . youre the old flame . homer , marge , i have a rather delicate proposition . spill it , moneybags . yes , i do have everything , but yet i often wonder what life with marge wouldve been like . its like being married to my best friend , and he lets me feel his boobs . homie . homer , i will give you to let me spend a weekend alone with your wife . mmm . a million dollars . wait a minute . how much sex would be involved . because if its some no , . all i want is to show her what life would be like had she chosen me . artie , thats a sick idea . come on , homer . were leaving . just think about it . youll win her yet , artie . i mean , arr tie . hey , wheres our parents . hey , marge , i just thought of something . what . if we had arties money , i could get that snoring surgery . plus at least two of those other surgeries i desperately need . no way , no how . ill get used to the snoring . just like i got used to saying courteney cox arquette . besides , i like some of the noises you make in bed . one squeaking spring symphony coming up . wow . homer , that was amazing . yeah , i honey , did you get any sleep . oh , im so sorry . are you snoring while youre awake . huh . you need that surgery . well have to call artie . okay , ziff . you get her for the weekend , but no funny stuff . and by funny stuff , i mean hand holding, , goo goo eyes , misdirected woo , which is pretty much any john woo film . your wifes virtues shall remain as untouched as bill gates weight room . remember , homie , im doing this for us . see you on monday , this rounds on me , moe . i got a big payday coming . yeah . homer sold his wife for a million bucks . i didnt sell her . i just rented her to an old boyfriend . gee , a million bucks . thats gonna buy him a lot of swings in the old batting cage . looks like everyones a winner . marge gets a great new life and you get more sprawl space on the bed . wait . you really think marge is gonna fall for this guy . even after i bought her that hockey fight tape . id dump your ass . me , too . yeah , i cant get artie out of my head . hes like a spy in the house of moe . oh , god , youre right . i gotta get her back before its too late . hello , artie . where are you taking me . were taking a trip through time . forwards . no . backwards . to the sexy s . oh , my god . artie , its our senior prom . burn , baby , burn i cant believe hes paying us a thousand bucks to pretend its the s . disco stu is working pro bono . marge , many years ago i turned a groovy night into a complete bummer . tonight you get the prom you always deserved . precious and few are the moments we two can share thats very sweet , artie . come , dear . we can dance all night . the band hasnt worked since the wrap party for james at . some say theyre cursed . oh , my god , its our high school prom . and once again i have no date . simpson . hello , dondelinger . youre not on the guest list , simpson . orders of prom king ziff . and have you been drinking . just for years . lets go , mister . oh . youre very sweet , but no fake prom could make me forget my husband . im sorry . very well , marge . i see youll never feel about moi the way i feel about toi , but before the evening ends , may i request an innocent peck on the cheek . okay . oh , no . if marge marries artie , ill never be born . get off me , you little nerd . i knew this weekend was just an excuse to get in my mouth . keep your money . im going home . stop looking at me . keep dancing . dont you know how to dance . watch me . aw . hes gonna sleep tonight . oh , guys , it was horrible . i saw marge kissing a far superior man . well , if it makes you feel any better , hes probably doing her right now . oh , yeah . make me the bad guy . my life here is over . lenny , howd you like to leave town with me and never come back . sounds like a plan . then its settled . we leave springfield forever . whatd i miss . anything good . thats . send the bill to baron von kiss a . no problemo . this just arrived , herr baron . okay , whos the wise guy . oh , homie , im so glad to see a tape on the bed . marge , if youre watching this then it means ive figured out how to work the camera . last night i crashed a certain fake prom . thats right . artie ziffs fake prom . homer was there . i saw something terrible and i cant even say it . so ill have these two dolls do it for me . kiss me , artie . with pleasure . homers a big jerk . oh . but i can explain . im leaving you , marge . the next time you see my name will be in the hobo obituaries . dont worry about the kids . ill drop them off with patty and selma . bart patty and selma . screw that . just run the camera , you little goodbye , my darling . oh . its no good . everything reminds me of marge . i know what youre going through . were coming up on mount carlmore . i carved that one wonderful summer . what did carl think . you know , weve never discussed it . do you have any jobs for a man who wants to die . something indoorsy . close to a bathroom . ill put you on rig as soon as they burn off the corpses . this job will be perfect . im gonna leave this world the way i entered it , dirty , screaming , and torn away from the woman i love . oh . quick and pointless . thats the death for me . thank you . youve been very helpful . dad just got a library card in west springfield . he checked out and a book called dying for dummies . he must have taken a job in the west springfield oil patch . thats practically a death sentence . what happened now . homer bowled a game . grampa , that happened a year and a half ago . we have to go save homer . but west springfields three times the size of texas . well never find him there . unless i really appreciate you helping me find homer . think nothing of it , marge . i hope we can always be friends . of course . with privileges . mmm . mmm . does that work on anyone . no . but when it does , hello . another oil well successfully capped . lets raise our goggles in triumph . oh , no . this is how faceless joe lost his legs . looks like were goners . oh , well . circle of life . marge . climb up . aint you coming , homer . why . so i can watch my wife spend the rest of her life in the arms of another man . i dont think so . good day . but homer we said good day . listen to me , homer . youve won . you own marges heart , and thats something i could never buy . woo hoo . theres nothing on that helicopter for me . dont be so sure . carl carlson . artie , thanks for saving my life . now , i believe theres the little matter of the million dollars . we cant take his money . oh . i cant take his money . i cant print my own money . i have to work for money . why dont i just lie down and die . now , homer , if theres one thing you shouldve learned from all this , its that im rich , . and now , i bid you adieu . im artie ziff . i gotta hand it to artie ziff , marge . that little nerd saved my life . and our marriage . with his latest invention , the snore converter . goodnight , homie . goodnight , honey . artie hes a loser , marge . dump him . artie i travel the world and the seven seas i am watching you through a camera . springfield . give up , mr . simpson . we know you have the olympic torch . for god sakes , homer . give them back their flame . no . the olympics have preempted my favorite shows for the last time . you can always find your favorite shows next month . you wait till next month . you wait till next month . every four years . weve recovered the flame . its beautiful . are you okay . yeah , im fine . no . im bored . hey , a fair . springfield preparatory school . dad , you told me there were no private schools in springfield . but knowing about it would make you want to go here . hello and thank you for coming to our fundraiser . im headmaster st . john van hookstratten . is that your beer tent . monkeys point . monkeys cry . this campus is so lush and verdant . yes . you probably recognize it from the film calling all coeds . oh . is that where boozer drank the pee . its one of the places . sorry . this school has everything . i know . doesnt it just honk you off . their periodic table has elements . and our school boards cut us back to . all of them lanthanides . you know , we could get equipment like this through a bond issue . heres your bond issue . quick . take these . principal skinner , youre just stealing . welcome to dick cheneys america . mmm . all this food is so froufrou . oh . faberge egg salad . look , brandine . its wolfgang puck . mr . puck , you make the only grub what satisfies my gut worm , i swear . try my rice krispie squares . they are wasabi infused with a portobello glaze . and you can buy them at the airport . i make mine with mms . with mms . now thats what i call fusion . i could sell them on the internet . to the puck mobile . ha . go , . no ones doing any bumping . time to ram a these ding dongs . good show . hey , marge . watch me burn flanders . ned flanders bids . and the winner of the bill is ned flanders . this is going right to the orphanage . we have a winner . these will be great for advancing our research . yes . our research . hey , thats my backpack . look at her cry . new money always cries . drop the backpack , jack . the name is jackington . retreat . to the hamptons . tra la , la la . you were so brave to take on all those bullies . those werent bullies . thats a bully . hey , butler , stop butling yourself . would that i could , sir . time to go , greta . your mothers custody starts at hours . your dads mcbain . ive played many characters . mcbain , officer nick vengeance , sergeant murder , and i was a voice on the frasier . would you like to come to my house sometime . if its okay with my dad . come . we play uno . i chase you with hose . no biggie . wow . cool . i guess were leaving , too . no , i belong here . please . dont worry , honey . we cant afford this now , but when its time for college , i promise my darling daughter can go to the finest school there is . in south carolina . oh . i will not be a gamecock . you will too . no . go gamecocks . no . its so cute youre going to a little girls house . look , boy , heres my advice on women . dont give them nicknames like jumbo or boxcar , and always get receipts . makes you look like a business guy . what the hell is that . that cars as big as all outdoors . wow . what kind of mileage does it get . one highway , zero city . mmm hmm . bart , your little tie makes me smile . excuse me , but you dont sound as tough as you do in the movies . if you dont shut your big yap , i will rip off your face and use it as a napkin . laughing time is over . these are props from one of my dads movies , the incredible shrinking mcbain . wow . the q tip he used to kill ross perot . everything in your house is so cool . whats your house like . oh , its okay . my bed is stuffed with hay . bart , youre so funny . yeah . you havent seen itchy scratchy till youve seen it on dvd . the itchy scratchy show oh , my body . check out the audio commentary . we shot this at and the crew was getting a little cranky . you can never get enough takes for steven soderbergh . always wants more i hope you enjoy these german sausages . ive been grinding all day , so im not sure what organ meat is in what intestinal casing . bratwurst . sauerbraten . donderblitzen . oh , mom , isnt there anything vegetarian . homer , i see your daughter is one of those whale kissing, , dukakis hugging moon maidens . yeah , one time she shes looking at us . be cool . what are you doing . oh , i gotcha . one , two , three , four , i declare a thumb war . one , two , three . hey , that was a fast count . remember when i said i would eat you last . i lied . hi , bart . whazzup . oh . you brought someone . yeah , this is milhouse . hes my best friend because well , geographical convenience , really . im wearing my bathing suit under my pants . um you want to go swimming . okay , but you have to watch me dive . fine . do you promise . just go . hell sleep tonight . hello , gentlemen . would you care to meet my new best friend . rainier wolfcastle . oh , my god . oh , my god . oh , my god . hey , ive been using that ab roller you endorse , but i havent gotten any results . right , because youve been using it backward . are you really homers friend . after they shoot your movies , who gets the leftover film . is it true that if i kill you , i become you . this looks like a job for my authorized look alike . hi , im chuck . i live in his trunk . so how much you look alikes make . cause some say i look like macaulay culkin . these courtside seats are great . thanks for the hookup , wolfie . i just want my daughter to be happy . plus , you eat the pretzels i drop on the floor . that i do , sir . bart , my schools having a dance . its pretty lame , but maybe you can make it fun , if we went together . yeah , i guess . defense . defense . defense . defense . defense . defense . ouch . i sat on something sharp . oh , thats just lara flynn boyle . i have a boyle on my ass . now , willie , dont tell anyone im trying my stand up comedy act tonight . if the students find out im performing at floppys , ill never live it down . i wont tell if you put me on the guest list . all right . plus one . nay . now , ill give you directions starting from the simpsons house . we are so there . arent you supposed to take greta to the dance tonight . oh , yeah . maybe i should keep my promise . seymour i just hope the audience is kind because my material is weak , and i have that bladder thing . thats it . im blowing off the dance . this is the biggest thing thats happened to me since chocolate milk . theyve got chocolate milk now . that was the prop comedy of the sea captain . more like thar he blows . yarr , im so sorry . all right . lets keep this train wreck moving . principal skinner . i know him . hes not funny . well , enjoy . so , its standardized testing time again . have you ever noticed how the dumb kids fill in the wrong circles . seymour . seymour . lost my place . maybe , a little improv would raise the roof here . would someone name a profession . loser principal . uh i think i heard california surfer . you suck , seymour . oh , man . what a dork . greta called . it seems you told her you were sick . lisa , i only lied because it was the easiest way to get what i wanted . bart , this girl is in love with you . think about it . hey , i didnt lead her on . i always played it light and breezy . well , if you dont feel the way greta does , youve got to tell her before she gets hurt . all right . i know what to do . ill dump her like shes never been dumped before . then well go right back to being friends . well , bart , you really understand women . lise , women are easy . state capitals are hard . and where were you . cockfight . youre breaking up with me . dont worry . we get that a lot here . lou , you cant leave the force . i can change . i just think theres more money in private security . all im hearing is im too fat . arent i . i cant believe he dumped me . in my movies , this is where i would go berserk . dad , this isnt a movie . no . let my muscles hug you . greta , im sorry i didnt handle the breakup well , but youre a sweet kid and someday youll find someone who whazzup . milhouse . greta . well , no one has to draw me a picture . oh . but i did . greta , is this how it is . yes . except he kissed me in the eye . i was an idiot . now ill be alone forever . why did i break up with her . oh , bart , its human nature . you only want her because someone else has her . prove it , using examples from this room . all right , look . maggies not playing with this ball right now , but look what happens when i take it . see . give me the ball . give me the ball . she use ta be she use ta be my girl she use ta be my girl i wouldnt lie about a thing like that she use ta be my girl well , she use ta be my girl leave a message at the beep . but dont be a message monster hogging all my tape . uh , greta , its me . i think you left your pencil over at my house , and hes there now , isnt he . i knew it . youre there . just hear me out . bart , forget it . im leaving in minutes . my dads shooting a movie in toronto . youre going to spain . goodbye , bart . so to win greta back , i have to go to toronto . canada . why should we leave america to visit america junior . this is for love , dad . someday youll feel what i feel . its only fair . we went to europe when lisa lost her balloon . maggie , what do you think . all right , son . well all go . first class . its so clean and bland . im home . wow . this bus station is the birthplace of paul shaffer . dad , no . it says , dont walk . it doesnt matter . they have free health care . whoa . im rich . take off . to the great white north . take off . its a beauty way to go . take off im a boy in toronto . i should be the happiest kid in the world . but i cant stop thinking about greta . youll win her back , eh . and b , were closing in five minutes . would a us dollar change your mind . american currency . what time would you like your breakfast , sir . take off . to the great white north . over there you can see them shooting the film canadian graffiti . oh , i see you drive on the left up here . no , maam . im drunk . there it is . wolfcastles movie set . excuse me . which way to the chess club . whats your name , nerd . melvin eugene puny meyer . well , a big muscle bound nerd . ha . just more of you to pick on . the geek shall inherit the earth . there she is , boy . i dont know , dad . what if shes still mad at me . listen to me , son . no one loves a quitter . so you go over there and you win her back . but she might say no . oh , i quit . theres no convincing you . im gonna take a nap . youre not gonna win her back . shes with the house now . milhouse , shes only dating you to get back at me . my therapist said thats all i could ever hope for . so take off , hoser . milhouse im gonna knock you into the next province . well , weve seen some wild sweeping here today . yes . the broom handling has been truly dazzling . whats this . two young yankee doodles have turned this match into a dandy . both our viewers must be thrilled . greta , i miss you so much . please be my girlfriend again . no . yes . the house always wins . sorry , milhouse . i thought canada would save our relationship , but it only made it worse . youre breaking up with me . why . i guess i was just looking for someone more masculine . i told you . i dont know how that scrunchie got in my hair . sorry , guys . but you two have put me off dating for at least four years . i think ill just buckle down and co produce my dads movies . need a unit production manager . its too late , bart . well , i guess were single again . i cant believe i have to give her half my stuff . but are we still friends . till the next one . so , what do we do now . well , were in canada . lets find something fun . ive got just the ticket . come on . i cant believe were on the canadian olympic basketball team . yep . its just that easy . wow , that was close . you can be the center . how come you always run out of tardy slips before you run out of permission slips . kearney how come you suck . uh i lack confidence . milhouse whazzup . springfield . a ha . a free baseball . a shiny new dime . a shinier new dime . excuse me . my refrigeration unit is broken . could you possibly eat some free ice cream . what flavor . why , super chocolate , of course . oh , yes . this day just keeps getting better and better . and heres a new four legged friend for me . hiya , boy . havent seen you around here before . mom . a dog ate my clothes . marge nice try , but were still going to riverdance . doh . you know that new baby brother ralphs been bragging about . its just a pinecone . lets go where its quiet . bart help . isnt that your brother . i said , lets go . eh , im sick of this tarzan movie . dad , its a documentary on the homeless . oh , right . a crazy dogs trying to kill me . really . oh . this i gotta see . oh , he just wants to make friends . oh . whos a good dog . what a goody doggie . he just a googie so , bart , when does the killing start . look , bart , sometimes dogs or people hate you for no reason . barts a goner . anyone want to be my new best friend . i will . great . finally , ill be the dominant one . be quiet . yes , sir . ha ha . barts family is poor . marge hurry up , bart , or youll be late to be killed by the dog . what . i said youll be late for school . eat my short stories . phew . safe at last . now , ill just turn around and confirm that safety . hey , wait a minute . these animals are stuffed . except that one . dont worry about these critters . theyre just props from my movies . this ones from gunfight at the museum of natural history . you were in movies . hold onto your hat , son . youre talking to buck mccoy . who . yeah , thats right . buck mccoy . the most famous movie cowboy in the world . no kidding . anyway , i climbed over your gate . a dog was after me . ill show you a trick that you can use on dogs . also worked on david o . selznick . who . yeah , thats right . the david o . selznick . whoa . keep him away from me . trust me , son . youll be fine . now , lean down and put your arms across his neck . whoa . it worked . where did you learn that . ah , you pick things up . do you know how to catch a wild boar with a teaspoon . no . well , what do you kids do all day . well , right now im supposed to be in school . school . huh . why bother . i quit after fourth grade , and i aint not no un dummy . its like youre living in a steakhouse . well , thank you . most people just mutter that . is that horse vacuuming . if you can call it that . he soils as much as he cleans . frank the wonder horse was in of my pictures . and directed one . and he got the film by credit . get home for dinner . well , come back anytime , pardner . to the laundry room . here we are . hi , honey . wheres that vicious dog . i made him a biscuit . oh , hes not bothering me anymore . buck mccoy helped me . buck mccoy . he was the greatest of them all . he was bigger than opium . i met one of my heroes today . she started the first buck mccoy . i still carry this . junior buckaroo , nd class . little grampa simpson . cool . after that i starred in wyatt earp meets the mummy . then six brides for seven brothers . they were pictures that the whole family could enjoy . no drugs , no nudity , no cussing . just drinking , fighting and tripping horses with wires . whats this lunchbox made of . well , back in my day , we had a thing called metal . everything was made of it . lunchboxes , cars , you name it . me tal . hey , can you still do cowboy tricks . well , heres one i did in the wild lunch . everything tastes better when its lassoed . would you lasso me a banana . now how the hell would i do that . i guess youre not going to have an adventure this week . huh . just you wait . hey , boy , whered you get that hat . buck gave it to me . hes just about the greatest guy who ever lived . i want to grow up to be just like him . no kidding . hey , speaking of achievers , theyre thinking of spraying your old mans workspace for ticks . thats great , champ . i know youve been wanting that . well , got to mosey , homer . maam . bart sure is fond of that cow gentleman . its just not fair . this buck fellows had all the advantages . horse riding lessons , the finest makeup , delicious studio food . oh , homie , youll always be my western hero . swell . i cant wait till i get good . bucks here . dad , why are you wearing that . because i want to be your hero . on top of which , i dont look bald . thanks for coming , mr . mccoy . we cooked your favorites . rattlesnake meat , varmint kabobs and refried whiskey . i like the sound of that last one . dont listen to them , buck . its an ambush . theyre trying to jump your claim . take him outside . i love you , buck . gee , buck , your old films are as violent as todays . one of the wheels broke off my chair today , but i didnt make a movie about it . in the s , i did a tv show . it only lasted a year , but we did episodes , all of them great . i did the commercials myself . remember kids , drunken cowboy brand whiskey is smooth as milk . im not sure i approve of selling whiskey to children . well , that ad was aimed at children who were already heavy drinkers . oh . announcer tonights episode excuse me while i kill the sky . why are you driving a car . yeah , in the s , westerns were out and detective shows were in . it seems like all i did was shoot hippies . they wrote me out of the show and it became room . so thats how you ended your career . yeah , well , what can you do . the western went the way of the evening newspaper and polio . well , i think westerns are due for a comeback . yeah . we can have showdowns at the schoolyard and use nerds as indians . bart , you look so cool . i was thinking this could be a new fad . what about hawaiian shirts . hey , youre not fun , youre fat . now , listen up . when i come back tomorrow , you better have cowboy suits , and they better be adorable . this is kent brockman here at springfield elementary , where a new western craze is sweeping the campus . im annie oakley . im kevin costner in one of his western roles . im a gulch . so i guess you could say this barely qualifies as news . im kent brockman . oh , give me land lots of land under starry skies above dont fence me in sir , you cannot pee unless you are an employee cant keep it in krusty , how do you feel about putting buck mccoy on your show . pass . we also represent billy joel . whos the first one again . buck mccoy . forget it . im not putting some western star on just cause its the flavor of the month . i want my show to have a timeless quality . heres your hanging chad sketch , krusty . oh , good , you worked in judge ito . please put buck on . hes my hero . plus , hell work for scale . scale minus . i aint going on some clown show . im retired . no one expects you to do anything difficult . they understand youre too old . listen , missy . the last two city slickers who used reverse psychology on me are pushing up daisies . theyre dead . no , they just got lousy jobs . you know what . i bet he cant even fit into his old costume . i cant , huh . you two wait right here . lets see , texas or massachusetts . texas . i like the way you think . boy , thats some fancy shooting . oh , ive seen fancier . oh . right in the panhandle . write that down . buck , this is a real honor . i grew up watching your horse operas down at the bijou . yeah , things sure have changed since the s . i dont care . you know , its been a long time since i performed live . youll do fine . just remember , therell be millions of people watching you . millions . and tv guides cheers and jeers editor . and hes already given out all his cheers . announcer live from the corner of zany avenue and martin luther king boulevard , its the krusty the klown show , with special guest buck mccoy . and now , heres krusty . weve got such a great show tonight . i wont be doing a monologue because my feet hurt . and now our opening sketch . we dont take kindly to transvestite chimpanzees here in pine corners . no one can save you now . i said , no one can save you now . shut up . im coming . oh . like youre so perfect with your plastic mane and your painted on spot . whats real on you . nothing . hes drunk . ive seen drunker . oh , right , yeah , the guns . were free . these hilarious health professionals will cut me out of my clothes after this commercial . what happened , buck . did i forget to mention im an alcoholic . for shame . this is horrible . my spit takes all have blood in them . look , im really sorry . sorry dont suture my colon . and youre off my show forever . bart , i couldnt help noticing buck is a total fraud , so i took the liberty of creating a new hero for your wall . that is just grotesque . i thought if you were looking to worship someone , maybe it could be your old man . eh . we could try it . yes . my son lost his hero . this should be the greatest night of my life . how come im not happy . you care about barts feelings . stop saying that . i think we should try to restore barts faith in buck , and we could start by getting buck to quit drinking . im sorry i let your son down , but im too old to change . oh , listen to you . im too old to change . how old are you . seventy six . nice old man . dont break a hip . have we gotten all the liquor . that painting is made of liquor . i was drinking so much i forgot what life was about . gold . gold . beautiful gold . nuggets as big as your fists . you guys are sick . i dont belong here . buck , if you walk out that door , youll be branded a quitter forever . mmm . something smells delicious . well , thats it . this place aint for me . well , were not giving up . were going to cure you of drinking . look , i worked long and hard , got rich , and now im retired . why shouldnt i be able to drink all i want . well , i dont know . i just naturally assumed it was some of my business . well , i dont see how it is . nobodys even told me your name yet . im still not giving up on buck . there must be some harebrained , half assed way this just in . a robbery is in progress at the national bank of springfield . the robbers are equipped with the latest in high tech weaponry and body armor . stay back , coppers . uh , please , everyone . stay away . we dont want anyone to be a hero . a hero . a hero . get me buck mccoy . lisa dad , im on the line . here you go . just stop this bank robbery and youll be a hero again . ill wait in the car . are you crazy . im a movie cowboy . and youre no howard hawks . that hurts . but i just have one question . do you want my son to be disappointed in you . fine . you dont need that . way to go , buck . i feel my faith growing anew . better get rid of this , too . not to mention this . whoa . theres nothing wrong with a little hey hey . funs over , boys . drop the hardware and mosey . im firing at the lasso , but the bullets just go through the middle . its the ultimate weapon . wow . that sure made us look bad . slink away , boys . slink away . buck , youre my hero again . arent you forgetting someone . well , theres krusty , itchy , scratchy , poochie , americas fire fighters , and then you , dad . and dont you forget it . oh . goodbye , bart . never bother me again . springfield . what the honey , ive got some bad news for you . not now , marge . im waiting for the new xfl season . who will win this years million dollar game . who . who . honey . the x is for extreme . there is no xfl this year . the league folded . who told you . last years mvp . he sweeps up toenails at the beauty parlor . hello . automated voice hello . this is the springfield retirement castle . your parent abes recorded voice abraham simpson . is dead . oh , my god . he died from complications of a medical nature . the nursing home was not responsible . homer , your fathers dead . and he never even lived to be a vegetable . im really gonna miss him . its grampas smell . oh , my dad never even knew how i felt about him . but you were very open with your feelings . sure , i said i loved him , but never that i was in love with him . abe what are you crying about . you dont have to live here . dad . grampa . grampa . stop it . youre stretching out my skin . whats got into you punks . the home told us you were dead . me . i aint dead . it was stamson down the hall . so much for mr . i can button my own shirt . oh , dad . weve got what people never get . a second chance . yeah , theres so many things we can yeah , . well call you or send you some fruit . look , grampa . youre already getting a new neighbor . hi . im zelda . i put the ass in assisted living . holy mac abe simpsons the name , and now that youre here , im changing my instructions to do resuscitate . now , let me show you around . over there are the preppies and over theres the comatose , and the cool comatose . hey , whos the tall drink of maalox . are you young ladies here to visit your mothers . eh , thats zack . hes as smooth as a behind . who wants to go get some sweet corn in my minivan . its got a wheelchair lift . if you can drive , theyre all over you . i used to drive , but they pulled my license . is this the dairy queen . but zelda , if youre looking for something with a big backseat and a lot of gas , im your man . oh . youve never heard garrison keillor till youve heard him through five speakers . tramp . bart b  . you sunk my scrabbleship . this game makes no sense . tell that to the good men who just lost their lives . semper fi . i want to drive again . you . no way . its too dangerous . well , youre no angel behind the wheel . what about your dui . that was a dwi . give grampa a chance . statistics show that old people drive at least as well as sleep deprived apes . please , son . driving is my last chance to feel alive . well , you brought me into this world , so no . fine . im dead . dad , get up . no , im dead . grampa , come on . dead . dead , . all right , grampa . ill help you get your license back . woo hoo . and i want driving gloves . no way . dead , . first of all , id like to ask if anyone has any questions . yeah . wheres the mens room . its down the hall . okay . now , lets pretend that were going for a drive . leo , slow down . that looks like a nice place to eat . carlas daughter works in that building . you know , its kind of ironic . these old people are being kept alive by the organs of the young people they ran over . makes you think , huh , chief . not really . patty next . grampas here to get his drivers license . okay . look at the eye chart and cover your left eye . thats my seeing eye . the right ones my winking eye . ill give you your license if you never do that again . oh , everythings the last time i do everything . cant you just use this recent photo . mmm . all right . here you go . woo hoo . whos laughing now . shut up . whats the scoop , milkshakes . i got me a date with zelda , so i need the car . oh , no . im not giving you my car . youd probably drive it . you dont trust your old man . you ungrateful milkshake . why dont we double date . then the restaurant will have to give us that booth . wow , a booth . if im tired , i can just lie down . cut it out . i can work the brake myself . no , you cant . youre slow to react , dad . baloney . this is the best party of my life . bro , you tapped the septic tank . dude sure got his comeuppance . in real life , he would die . oh , abe . oh , zelda . hey , watch the movie . movies were better in our day . for a nickel you got two movies , a cartoon , a bag of popcorn and a whipping . kept your mind on your business . hop in , beautiful . cause every girls crazy bout a sharp dressed man now , theres a few things i want to say to you , zelda . save your breath . seriously . well , i gotta do something before the viagra kicks in . i know . ill suck my teeth . whoa . here we go . give me those keys . do you have any idea what you put us through . i called the police , the hospital , my bookie , the kennel okay , this isnt about who i called . see you later . im going to the library . lisa gets to do what she wants and you dont yell at her . hey , ive earned their trust . oh . everybody trusts lisa . precious little lisa . apple of her daddys eye . lisa doesnt borrow my car and stay out all night with some hoochie . shes no hoochie . her name is zelda and she understands me . grampa , i gotta tell you , shes a stone cold hoochie . straight up , marge . that hoochie only likes you because you can drive . shut up . you dont know her . zelda loves me . i hate this house . turn that down . you call that music . i just dont know what to do . he used to be such an angel . maybe you should give him another chance . no . hes gotta learn , marge . the way my dad made me learn . he is your dad . cosmic . hey , abe , what are you doing here . we heard you lost your driving privileges . well , for your information , i can still drive to the store , but i have to be back in five minutes with these things for the baby . oh , gentlemen , the new scratch and tickets are out today . ill take one , achu . no , not chu , pu . i got troubles with both . finally the shakes are working for me . pardon me , sir . your scrapings have landed on my jacket from planet hollywood , orlando . so , what if it did . so , it is very thoughtless . i should cut you like i cut sodium out of my diet . you dont scare me with your dignity and your subtle cologne . then perhaps you should be taught a lesson by us , los souvenir jacquitos . bring it on . please , gentlemen . violence is not the answer . then what is . some sort of death race . thats what i would do . very well , viejo . you shall have your death race . death race . and another thing . no death races . oh , i better not . fine . ill meet you at the abandoned aqueduct . for the death race . yes , the death race . all right , seniors and seores , whichever car makes it through that tunnel first is the winner . but its only big enough for one car . what are you scared of , old man . everything . dogs , dutchmen , the gathering darkness . all right . when i yank down my girlfriends tube top , the race will begin . what . im just trying to bring you into my world . just go . old friend , your jacket , she burns . then i burn with her , for i would rather die than have people not know what stores i have been to . whoo hoo . were the baddest punks in our age bracket . my beard . i broke my beard . oh , my god . we cant let homer know . oh . that is it . abraham j . simpson , you are never driving again . ever . i cant believe i cracked up my only set of wheels . go home . put on a smile , high pants . ive got a surprise for you . ive booked us a room for the weekend in branson , missouri . the gritz carlton hotel . oh . thats great , but theres a slight hitch . you see , im temporarily between cars . but we dont need anything to have fun but ourselves . give me that old time fun give me that old time fun give me that old time fun the kind where we stay home zelda , may i offer you a lift . no . dont feel bad , abe . ill always think of you as my friend without a car . dont go , zelda . i love you . zelda , im gonna make you forget about your grandchildren . oh , whatll i do . hey , grampa . stealing moms car . yeah , its the only way to win back zelda . and if i go to prison , ill get better food and more hugs . uh , its actually blue wire to yellow wire . it is . hot diggety dodge . next stop , branson , missouri . can i tag along . sure , why not . school aint helping you . born to be wild oh , i hate this hippie crap . radio announcer and now , womb , warm and safe radio , takes you back to the golden age of radio theater . announcer its the itchy and scratchy hour , presented by hansens moustache wax , the moustache wax hitler doesnt use . they fight , and bite they fight and fight and bite fight , bite , the itchy and scratchy show announcer as we join tonights adventure , we find itchy at the counter of his butcher shop . itchy hiya , scratchy . scratchy youre crushing my head . during the war , eleanor roosevelt was the voice of scratchy . the lady knows funny . first he wrecks your car , then he steals mine . your fathers out of control . oh , sure , when he does something bad , hes my father . he mustve dropped this . weve gotta go after them . but how . branson is a thousand miles away , and weve got no car . oh . that was lucky . come on , boys . uh , well wait for the next one . what are those , grampa . these are hobo signs . theyre to tell other hobos if a place is friendly or not . that one means good vittles . sexy daughter . mass hobo grave in cellar . here we are . branson , missouri . no , pally . this is bronson , missouri . mmm . hey . well , how do we get to branson . number bus . hey , ma , how about some cookies . no dice . this aint over . there it is . abe thats the glitziest welcome to sign ever . whoa . okay , keep an eye peeled for zelda . is that her . no . is that her . no . is that her . no . is that her . no . wait . it was the second one . zelda , baby , its me . two seniors , please . oh , no . hes taking her to the hottest matinee in town . come on , boy . after them . remember the stars you loved yesterday where did they go . did they all pass away . was it drugs or a car crash or facelift gone wrong . no , theyre right here in branson and singing this song my name is charo i shake my maracas remember me , fool . i was b . a . baracus were the performers you thought were dead like bonnie franklin and adrian zmed bransons the place we can always be found they took nick at nite and made it a town you can call me ray or you can call me jay just dont call me washed up i do three shows a day charlie callas doesnt sleep in the ground yes , im still alive and im making my sounds so sit back , relax and watch our revue in soviet union revue watches you tennessee ernie ford . now , i know youre dead . no . you just think im dead . no , youre dead . i was your biggest fan . look , i clipped your obituary . lets take a quick gambling break . a little action will really sharpen our senses . mom , theres no gambling in branson . it was designed as a family destination . oh , no , theres gambling . we just have to find it . look , mom , its your car . grampa and bart must be in that theater . bet you theyre not . three to one . how much you got . mom , youre hurting me . grampa , look over there . its captain bringdown and the buzzkillers . if youre gonna make your move , you better do it quick . mmm wait . stop the music . a ha . oh . its grampa . munster . no , simpson . oh , darn , . ive driven hundreds of miles to say something very special to someone in this audience tonight . all aw . huh . zelda , will you come up here . drive me , abe . drive me . i just want to say were through . nobody dumps abe simpson . youre nothing but a hoochie . hoochie , . all hoochie , . hoochie , . now id like my son to come up here . son , can you forgive an old fool . only in public . both oh . audience aw . now , lets go home . in russia , stage is for performers only . hey . lisa this has been a gracie films presentation . springfield . bill , . homer , you got a letter . hmm . its from the library . overdue book . this is the biggest frame up since o . j . wait a minute . blood in the bronco , the cuts on his hands , those jay leno monologues . oh , my god . he did it . heres the book . classics for children . yeah . i checked that out when bart was born . i was gonna read to him every day . what happened . stuff kept coming up . mostly car related . piece of crap . why dont you read to us now . i decide who reads and when . how about now . mmm . homers odyssey . is this about that minivan i rented once . no , dad . its an epic tale from ancient greece . that minivan had the biggest cup holders . and change slots for every coin , from penny to quarter . dad , i loved it , too , but it was seven years ago . fine . it was the end of the trojan war . clever odysseus had come up with a plan to destroy the trojans once and for all . hi , odiddily odysseus . stupid king of troy . i think i speak for all the greeks when i say this war has gone on for too long . ill say . id really like to go out and get the mail . anyway , over torture , one of your soldiers mentioned that you collect giant wooden animals . we hope you dont have a horse . well , i dont have one from you . bring it in . now throughout history , when people get wood , theyll think of trojans . trojans . what are you laughing at , dad . if im laughing at what i think i am , its very funny . anyway , as night fell , the greek soldiers crept from the wooden horse . aw , look at them . sleeping like little angels . spare no one . remember , just cause their heads are off , it dont mean theyre dead . now i can return to ithaca and my sweet wife , penelope . odysseus , do not forget to thank the gods for our victory with an appropriate animal sacrifice . forget it . sacrificing animals is barbaric . now have the slaves kill the wounded . no sacrifice . well teach that mortal to trifle with the gods . i got it . you fat lush . you just destroyed atlantis . you used to be fun . wheres the zeus who used to turn into a cow and pick up chicks . he grew up . maybe you should , too . poseidon , you take care of odysseus . yarr . ill send him far . off course . greece is the word . is it vase or vase . you gonna be asking that the whole trip . gentlemen , i must be wasted , cause it looks like that cloud is mad at me . yarr . yarr . sirens on the island of sirens our hot sex will leave you perspiring hey , thats kind of catchy . its coming from that island . lets steer heedlessly towards it . heedlessly it is . the feta is cheesy the sirens are easy boy , if they kiss as good as they lure , wow . on the island well sex you up island of sirens oh , god . theyre hideous . someone gouge my eyes . frink save me from the ladies . its been so many years since ive seen your father . i hope hes still the magnificent physical specimen he was when he left . mom , maybe its time to choose a suitor . discus stu has ouzo for twozo . ill leave you guys alone . discus stu was talking to you . oh , where could your father be . homer almost home . aint i a stinker . welcome to my island . i am circe , the sorceress . boy , who decided to give every weirdo an island . you must be thirsty . drink from my cauldron . well , i was in the mood for something bubbling . out of the way , slim . thanks for your help with the anchor , guys . guys . that pig looks like lenny . hey . mmm . thats the next best thing to eating lenny . im still hungry . didnt you eat enough of your friends . those were my friends . yes . ive been saying that for hours . thats it . im going home . which way to ithaca . its not so easy . you must go through hades , crossing the river styx . youre my lady of the morning oh , this truly is hell . okay . it has been years , and you suitors have been very patient . weve been beyond patient . when we came here , helen of troy was hot . now look at her . this is the face that launched a thousand ships , the other way . homer honey , im home . well , look who the fates dragged in . oh , im sorry i was gone so long , but im gonna do something i havent done for years . take out the trash . sweet penelope , youre just as beautiful as you were when i left . oh , i cant stay mad at you . all aw . brave odysseus , its been long years . regale me with tales of your adventures . quit suffocating me . im going to moes . oh , heres the story of joan of arc . oh . did you say joan van ark . no , mom . joan of arc . its never joan van ark . this one takes place in a make believe kingdom called france . the french were fighting the english in the hundred years war , which was then called operation speedy resolution . son , hows it going with the breakfast pt . im on it . bartrand , where is your sister joan . morning bells are ringing . morning bells are ringing . shes talking to her invisible friend . god . and please bless mama and papa and bartrand and coco chanel . joan of arc , i am your god . i have chosen you to lead the french army to victory over the english invaders . but im just a little girl . i know . i have three eyes . now get cracking . god wants you to lead the french army to what . victory . victory . were french . we dont even have a word for it . god spoke to me . i must obey . joan , give me your dessert . thats just you , bart . god joan , give me your dessert . yes , sir . thats going straight to my five thighs . all right , garons . huh . no , un . you know , french for one . well , you keep switching back between french and english . just fire the damn thing . my fault this time . i didnt tuck in my legs . wait . i have been sent to lead the french army to victory . yeah , really . and how are you gonna do that . with modern ideas , like putting bigger , harder people in the catapult . or , how about rocks . soldier rock . i dont know how to feel just now . and now , attack . shouldnt we help her . yeah , right behind you , lou . uh oh . theres my supervisor . hello , . whats all this then . its a little bird with a knife , isnt it . what a thing to happen . blimey . we welcome our savior , joan of arc . it is customary to kneel before the king . i would gladly kneel , were you the real king . you are the true dauphin . you had this impostor try to fool me to see if i was truly sent by god . bravo , joan of arc . you are as brainsome as you are toothsome . quimbe , you may resume your regular duties now . it would be my pleasure . vibrate for me , footstool . loyal subjects , let us drink to joan of arc , who will conquer the english , and has already conquered my heart . uh , god says we should just be friends . i wouldnt say king milhouse is a loser , but thats the th girl hes struck out with this week . boil him in oil . so no show . let us kill the english . their concept of individual rights could undermine the power of our beloved tyrants . theyre attacking again . i thought we had a truce . just because you keep saying it doesnt make it so . oh , my word . you cant stop me . i was sent by god . i want my mommy . i captured a wee girl . im the greatest hero in english history . joan of arc , you are accused of heresy , witchcraft , and that man told me you pushed him . i would like to call my only witness . almighty god . god i told this maiden to lead the french to victory . wait a minute , you two timing spot of light . you told me to lead the english to victory . is that true , lord . well , i never thought the two of you would be in the same room , actually . this is a little embarrassing . goodbye now . that was weird . lets burn her . all yeah . burn her . burn her . dont burn her . shes just an innocent child . burn this guy . he lost a good bucket . joan , renounce your faith . save yourself . dont worry , beloved parents . god wont let anything happen to me . huh . getting kind of hot around here . wow . what happened , dad . they didnt really burn her , did they . of course they didnt , honey . just then , sir lancelot rode up on a white horse and saved joan of arc . they got married and lived in a spaceship . the end . well , thats easier to chew than that bambi video . our next story is hamlet , by william shakespeare . dad , these old stories cant compare with our modern super writers . steven bochco could kick shakespeares ass . look , this storys more interesting than you think . it starts with hamlets father getting murdered . cool . does he get to marry his mom . i dont know , but that would be hot . once upon a time , there was a young prince of denmark . hamlet . avenge me . dad . yes . i have returned from the dead . looks like youve returned from the buffet . why , you little doh . my son , i have some shocking news . i was murdered . murdered , i tells you . really . behold . as i slept , your uncle claudius poured poison in my ear . poison most foul . so he could marry your mother and become the king . yeah , that was quite a weekend . now you must avenge me . avenge me . how . i dont know . surprise me . surprise me . could that fat ghost be telling the truth . first , ive gotta get uncle claudius to confess . then ive gotta kill him . its cold outside . youll need a sweater . a sweater . and if your idea of a first date is burning down her village , you just might be a viking . thats what i get for sitting up front , eh . i love these jesters . theyre exactly what i need to forget about my first husband . yeah , i really miss the old guy . it was all i could do to put on his jewels and score with his wife every night . how are you doing , kid . nice to see you . now we would like to warn you , our performances tend to make audience members blurt out hidden secrets . oh , boy . aha . methinks the plays the thing wherein ill catch the conscience of the king . catch my conscience . what . youre not supposed to hear me . thats a soliloquy . okay , well , ill do a soliloquy , too . note to self . kill that kid . okay , were gonna open it up with a little improv . somebody shout out a location . this castle . okay . how about an occupation . usurper of the throne . i think i heard usurper of the throne . now finally , i need an object . ear poison . hey , do you have diarrhea . i have diarrhea . sit down . wait a minute . i didnt use that much poison . i mean , i didnt use that much poi , son , at the royal luau . daddy , its true . uncle claudius murdered you . oh , great . now hamlets acting crazy . well nobody out crazies ophelia . hey , nonny with a hoo and a haw , and a nonny hey . hamlet , whatd i tell you about running with swords . someones behind the curtain . it could be claudius . only one way to find out . ow . polonius . what are you doing behind the curtain . i hide behind curtains cause i have a fear of getting stabbed . daddys stomach is crying . laertes , you gotta do a special big boy job for daddy . i need you to avenge my death . i like revenging . im gonna kill hamlet . heres my mad face . cute kid . but just in case you dont kill hamlet , i put some poison on the food , on the drapes , even on rosencarl and guildenlenny here . if hamlet touches either of us , hes dead . booyah . now , hamlet , you know the rules . laertes here gets one practice stab . oh , boy . boy , did i bet on the wrong horse . now theres nothing to stop me from getting my vengeance . you sure you dont want a nice piece of fish , or to finger the drapes a little . this ends here . remember me as a peacemaker . and now to celebrate life . whoa . bloody floor . no way im cleaning up this mess . and thats the greatest thing ever written . are you crazy . i cant believe a play where every character is murdered could be so boring . son , its not only a great play , but also became a great movie called ghostbusters . springfield . the itchy and scratchy show . tee one up for me , catty . sure thing , mousy . nice follow through . now thats what i call a moon shot . now thats what i call a moon shot . dad , that line was in the cartoon . im pretty sure it wasnt . our phone bill is . they charged us for a call to brazil . boy , did you make a prank call to brazil . no , sir . i didnt . choke on your lies . homer , they mustve made a mistake . well just go down to the phone company and straighten it out . which phone company . there are hundreds of them . and they all keep changing their names . i think were with comquaaq . no , i think its niagular . no , last week they became vertiqual . wow . everything is so high tech . dialing murray hill , so , i says to myrna , i says , that guys a bum . oh . thats the movie phone guy . the movie weve selected plays at p . m . at springfield cinema six . thank you for dating mr . movie phone . our evening will be rated r , for brief nudity . maam , would you be interested in changing your long distance service if what the she hung up on me . what did i do . hello . im your customer service rep , lindsay naegle . weve met you many times , miss naegle . why do you keep changing jobs . im a sexual predator . oh . now , how may i best dispense with you today . weve been charged for calls to brazil that we didnt make . we are not paying this bill . fine . ill cut off your service . fine . ill cut off your ponytail . homer . marge , its called negotiating . oh . fascinating . i need to call janie , but i cant get a dial tone . were not paying our bill , so the phone company shut off our service . why must you fight with every utility . i told you , i have too much time on my hands . homer . we were cleaning out a cooling duct at the plant and found a box of old taco shells . oh , why didnt you call me . we tried , but a recording said you were a bunch of deadbeats . mmm . thats it . they have awoken a sleeping giant . homer , what are you going to do . crazy scheme , crazy scheme , crazy scheme . get me tools and beer . yes . free service , here we come . all right . lets try the red one . okay . ill try the green . lets try the red one again . oh , not again . lets try them together . maybe the red one . how did i get here . we found you smoldering in the bushes . thats it . were just going to have to pay for that call to brazil . what call to brazil . the one i didnt make and marge didnt make and bart didnt make and hence , no one in the house made . uh oh . you made that call . but youre the good one . yeah . the one we both like . why did you do it . please dont be mad . ive been sponsoring an orphan boy in brazil . oh , arent you sweet . sharing your allowance with a poor brazilian boy . dont you know the boys from brazil are little hitlers . i saw it in a movie , whose name i cant remember . ronaldo used to send me a letter every month , but then they stopped . thats why i called the orphanage . but they said he disappeared . how come you talked for . well , then they started pressuring me for more donations , and you cant hang up on a nun . thats right . they have powers . when i sent my first donation , the charity mailed me this video . hi , lisa . thank you for your donation . because of your generosity , i bought sturdy shoes that will last for a thousand sambas . all aw . hes so adorable . can we have another baby . no way . i still havent lost the weight i put on from the last one . and with the money left over , the orphanage was able to buy a door . now the monkeys cannot bite me . uh oh . i am like sugar to them . oh . that poor little boy . weve got to find him . how many people live in brazil . a hundred and fifty six million . doh . well , weve got to find him . what . im really concerned . fine . i want to meet monkeys . i dont know . its awfully expensive to fly to brazil . not if we buy our tickets on the internet . its really cheap if we change planes in phoenix , honolulu , sun city and east saint louis , spend a night in a haunted house and leave right now . then its settled . the simpsons are going to brazil . and ill have been on every continent . except antarctica . the simpsons are going to antarctica next year . this year , brazil . okay , here are some travel tips . only drink bottled water . dont get into an unlicensed taxi . and remember , they have winter during our summer . wait , . so , in august , its cold . thats right . and in february , its hot . mmm hmm . so , its opposite land . crooks chase cops , cats have puppies . no , dad . its just the weather . so , hot snow falls up . yes . woo hoo . get ready , brazil . i now speak fluent spanish . well done , bart . but in brazil , they speak portuguese . forget every word , boy . its useless . but , homer i said forget it . all gone . this is your captain speaking . the local temperature in rio de janeiro is hot , with chance of passion . fernando , you make that joke every time . it was that joke that made you fall in love with me . hey , maggie , how are you doing back there . oh , so helpless . look , its the giant statue of christ on corcovado . wow . its like hes on the dashboard of the entire country . it says here we can get anywhere we want by taking a conga line . way ahead of you , marge . take me to the hotel my hands are on a guys ass boy , this dude must work out simpsons hey . hey . boy , they sure love soccer here . kick it . goal . look , marge . im brazilian . lisa how to loot brazil . i got it . i got it . i got it . bart , what are you watching . kids show . bert and ernie left it to your imagination . look , the room came with a fruit hat . hey , and a mini bar hat . im chiquita banana and im here to say i will eat this toblerone and i will not pay guys . while youre singing and dancing , somewhere out there ronaldo is waiting to be found . there he is . oh , wait . you said brown hair , right . what a charming neighborhood . mom , these are slums . the government just painted them bright colors so the tourists wouldnt be offended . works for me . yeah . check out the rats . oh . they look like skittles . lisa here we are . papaya street . this is ronaldos orphanage . excuse me . were looking for this little boy . ah , yes . ronaldo . he went out months ago . and we havent heard from him since . every day we light a candle for him . have you tried looking for him . thats plan b . were never going to find him . now , lisa , its not as bleak as that . can you fly me over town to look for him . we nuns cannot fly . oh , too much junk in the trunk , eh . yes . have some meat on a sword , lisa . itll cheer you up . you know im a vegetarian . but youre on vacation , honey . im not wearing my wedding ring . homer . okay . on this map i marked all the places that ronaldo liked to go . if we split up , we should be able to search them all . well do our best . now , lets get going . check , please . si . does that include tip . si . hey , look . theres copacabana beach . the heart and soul of rio . excuse me , americans . how did you know . there is a dress code on this beach . but we can help you . i feel so european . huh . mine keeps disappearing . oh , well . oh , i hope theyre going somewhere good . okay , boy . lets strut our stuff . im in rio and im walking on the beach im in my speedo no . no , . excuse me . we think this boy might be here . okay , this is a samba school . this is not a lost and found . this is where we invented the lambada and the macarena . we are now developing our most powerful dance , the penetrada . it makes sex look like a church . i dont think my daughter should hear this . you cant protect her forever . you stupid lady . give me a drink with all your sweetest brazilian fruits mixed together . here you go . sweet . sweet . sweet . theres got to be a million kids here . well never find ronaldo . ronaldo . you know him . no , . i was just distracting you while my children robbed you . oh , look at all the stuffed coatimundi . i bet maggie would like one . ill just get her this bracelet . everything here is something . hey , bart . how many more places do we have to search . just one , and its across town . taxi . my american friend , im afraid that this is a kidnapping . so that means i dont have to pay the fare . i suppose woo hoo . im afraid you dont appreciate the seriousness of the situation . fine . take me , but let the boy go . im afraid he has already gone . where are you taking me . shut up . and take that stupid bag off your head . no . it smells like cinnamon . behold , the amazon . but quick because were burning it down . listen , i really need a rest stop . again . i have a bladder the size of a brazil nut . we just call them nuts here . suckers . suckers . i guess planning a vacation around a missing kid is not the way to have fun . hey . time for brazils favorite kids show , teleboobies . clockwise . counter clockwise . wheres your father . kidnapped . oh , my god . what are we supposed to do . i dont know . wait for the call . woman on tv on top of . beneath . on top of . beneath . so , you want me to find your husband . yes . and you also want me to find a little boy . thats right . i dont think there is a boy or a husband . i think you have a thing for me . ive been shot . i am flattered , but i do not swing that way . i have another itch . yeah , well , scratch it yourself . im not going there again . i have sent the ransom note . if your family wants to see you alive again , they would be wise to pay . i dont know . theyve been seeing me alive for free for a long time . so , have you got the . well , with all our savings and the money grampa wired us , we have . thats very nice , honey . thatll buy you one of my legs or something they call a mystery bag . ill get back to you . they have .  . youve already eaten that much . come on . i didnt well , maybe . enough of your blarney . get the money . ahoy hoy . mr . burns , its homer simpson . ive been kidnapped and i need . hmm . well , im high on sheep embryos , so i am feeling charitable . how about i advance you the money and you work it off . no deal . moes tavern . home of the stinkiest rag in america . hey , moe . homer , listen . i need grand . dont ask me why . no , . i need grand . i asked you first . fine . ill send you grand . thanks . homer hello , flanders . i need grand . well , i dont really have that much . but if you need it that bad , youll be in my prayers . go suck a bible . this is all my fault . i came to find someone , but now ive just lost dad and what is that noise . that irritating , intoxicating music with a beat that sends your inhibitions packing . its carnival . oh , your father wouldve loved this . the drunkenness , the ambiguous sexuality ive got to get out of here . you cannot run from carnival . because even running is a kind of dance . i am on fire , and i dance . ill just dance and worry at the same time . hey , look . its the stripper from the kids show . she makes paying attention cool . lisa . lisa . its me , ronaldo . ronaldo . yes . i am flamenco flamingo . and it all started with the dancing shoes you bought me . why didnt you tell me . i tried to write . but i didnt know what state you lived in . its a bit of a mystery , yes . but if you look at the clues , you can figure it out . oh , no . the parade , she starts . meet me at the estudio . where is it . that way . here is the ransom for your father . are you sure you can afford it . i make as much as malcolm in the middle . and because i have no parents , my earnings remain unstolen . were supposed to bring the ransom money to the top of sugar loaf mountain . the tension is killing me . how about this . thats not tense enough . its making light of the situation . yup , thats it . just right . thats the one . look , theres dad . listen , i made a little scrapbook to remember the kidnapping . im still working on it . but as you can see look . this is that cigarette butt you burned me with . you slept like a baby that night . i remember that , yeah . homer , why are you laughing . he has the stockholm syndrome . he has come to identify with his captors . they let me stay up all night . well , you wont be doing that at home . now , hand over the money and you get your homer back . look at all that pink and purple . kidnapper our money sure is gay . you are free to go . woo hoo . piece of cake . we should make these transfers in a safer place . it was homers idea . you say no to that face . homie , are you okay . yes , honey . im better than okay . because ive learned that no matter how bad i screw up , youll always bail me out . aw lisa mom . dad . we better do something about this . dont be sad . its carnival . bart whoopee . springfield . all right , family . who can guess whats different about dinner tonight . same old garbage . this guys always on . oh , you two . were eating genetically modified vegetables . look how big they are . this corn doesnt look so big . thats baby corn . what . american corporations should stop playing god with nature . theres nothing to be afraid of . theyre all grown by the vegetable division of union carbide . mom , my potato is eating a carrot . thats it . from now on , im growing all our vegetables myself . go away . go away . what you doing , mom . ive tried heckling them . ive tried jeckling them . its time i made myself a scarecrow . go away . go away . in god , the father almighty creator of heaven and earth shoo . shoo . heaven and earth where were we . now im lost . yeah , i did it . marge is in the house . i will be soon . because it needs some cleaning . huh . ill regroup at red lobster . you aint pretty no more . look . ive made some friends . now , go do my bidding . uh whatever it may be . so , lisa says by killing their enemy i became the alpha crow . i got to admit . im kind of nervous here . we havent seen barney since they enveloped him . im sure hell turn up . look , heres one of his buttons . all right , thats it . get them out of here . this aint no crow bar . this is a crow bar . see . they got the little stools and everything . thats russell crow , cameron crow , diddley , hume crow nyn, , gregory peck . homer , im very uncomfortable having a gang of crows in our bedroom . its a murder , honey . a group of crows is called a murder . im sleeping on the couch . drop it in . dont cram it in . forget it . ill do it myself . aw , look . maggie wants to fly , too . hey . cut it out . put her down . thank god youre okay . okay , that was not cool . we need to lay down some ground rules . well get to that . right now , i think we need some time apart . all right , thats it . shoo , you stupid crows . shoo . shoo . shoo . that is not a worm . ow . ow . i hate getting stitches in my eyes . stupid crows . dont be mad at the crows , homer . they werent trying to blind you . they were just trying to drink your sweet , eye juices . mmm . fascinating . say , doctor , can you do something about my searing pain . well , there is a medication . although , its a little controversial . does it go in the butt . im talking about medicinal marijuana . prescription pot . texas thc . look , man , i dont do drugs . homer , for your eyes , the best tonic is chronic . youre not afraid , are you . i had a bad experience with drugs . homer it was that golden weekend between summer school and regular school . hey , homer , want to smoke some marijuana . they say its a gateway drug . well , . if it isnt the doobie brothers . uh oh . crotch the weed , man . smell any drugs , sergeant scraps . for me , the s ended that day in . but , homer , you cant let a single bad experience scare you away from drugs . but isnt marijuana , or dope , illegal . only for those who enjoy it . medical use of marijuana is legal in this state . well also provide you with a prescription bong . do you want the wizard or the skull . occasions , persuasions clutter your mind incense and peppermints , the color of time okay , lets see . toke as needed . caution , objects may appear more edible than they actually are . incense , peppermints incense , peppermints whats that billowing down the stairs . its smoke . it smells like the art teachers office . homer smoke on the water da da . uh oh . da da . they burned down the gambling house it died with an awful sound i am hungry for a candy bar i think ill eat a mounds homer . youre doing drugs . and now im guilty of possession . i could go to prison unless i testify against you . marge , its making my eyes better . and its legal . i could walk up to the president and blow smoke in his stupid , monkey face . and hed just have to sit there grooving on it . color sky havana lake color sky rose carmethene alizarian crimson wear your love like heaven wear your love like heaven wear your love like heaven wear your love like heaven wear your love like heaven hello . marge , i just realized i am the ow in the word now . and if you tell anyone honey , i like it when you call . but we just talked five minutes ago . hang on , ive got call waiting . hello . homer hey , its me . ive got marge on the other line and she is totally bumming me out . dad , i thought you didnt like her saxophone . i didnt . but now , daddys special medicine , which you must never use because it will ruin your life , lets daddy see and hear magical things you will never experience . ever . dad , its a . m . and im out of saliva . homer wow . that saxophone would make a great pipe . hi diddily , homer . oh , my god . this dude does the best flanders . you got the mustache and the diddily . okay , now do wiggum . homer , its me . ned . right . the god dude . hey , i got a question for you . could jesus microwave a burrito so hot that he himself could not eat it . well , sir , of course he could . but then again , wow , as melon scratchers go , thats a honey doodle . now you know what ive been going through . well , luckily , ive got a book right here thats jam packed with answers . mmm . oh , man , this is long . could you read it to me . i guess that could be arranged . the grace of the lord jesus be with gods people . the end . wow . wow . god does so much for me and he doesnt ask anything in return . well , i know hes wishing youd sign his petition to re criminalize medicinal marijuana . done and done . now do wiggum . well , okay . i guess it would go something like this . all right , simpson , youre under arrest , see . i said wiggum . and so , potential investors , i hope you dont think our ipo is an ipu . then i hold my nose thusly . what do you think , smithers . bit of a downer , sir . well , i hope the investors like it . i have to raise million or were out of business . why is that , sir . i told you , i pissed it away . dont make that face . yes , thats the one . smithers , i need someone who laughs at all my jokes . you know , honest feedback . oops . i thought this was the can , man . well , youre a happy homer . whats your name , young man . you just said it . well , if you like that , listen to this . working hard or hardly working . smithers , you could learn a thing or two from this braying moron . young man , im making you my executive vice president . sir , i believe that position was informally promised to me . no , smithers . i wouldve said anything to get your stem cells . now , welcome aboard . youre covered with a very fine fuzz . hardly working . where did you get that suit . whoa , . one question at a time . yes , you . look , im really starting to worry . theres half eaten cupcakes everywhere . were all out of paper clips . and the curtains smell like doob . oh , yeah . well , i got news for you . i just got promoted , and its all thanks to yes i . we have a kitchen . woman on tv now , where are those three chandelier hangers i hired . man you mutton heads . this is why we can never hold down a job . look at shemp . he is so high . hey , shemp is hemp spelled backwards . and otto is otto backwards . now , im scared . homie , i dont mean to nag , but what does this have to do with healing your eyes . as soon as i graduate , i am so out of here . kent on news this just in . the marijuana re criminalization initiative took another step forward today as supporters collected the final signatures required to place it on the ballot for next tuesdays election . we got to get out and stop that initiative . marge , im gonna need no guac in mine . good night , homer . dude , your mom is hot . dont encroach on our roach . dont encroach on our roach . youve got to run like an antelope out of control okay , . hold on . hold on . i smell marijuana smoke . that better be medicinal . if phish dont see a prescription slip , we are out of here . we can wait all night , people . here we go . whoa . this guy is seriously ill . my doctor never told me that . i had to hear it from phish . a one , a two, , you know run , youve got to run like an antelope out of control thank you . and now , a man whos a real pothead . im sorry . pothead . homer simpson . good afternoon . i want to thank you all for coming down here , taking time off from your jobs . jobs . what . jobs because we need to keep medical marijuana legal . whether you suffer from glaucoma or you just rented the matrix , medical marijuana can make things fabulous , medically . so , my mellow fellow citizens , when you go into that voting booth on tuesday , the seventh uh , homer , that was yesterday . oh , man . they already voted . and we lost . oh , man . i cant believe we spaced on the date . what are we gonna do . well , we cant just stand here staring at our hands , although wow . thats right . i married that chick . they call them fingers , but i never see them fing . oh , there they go . there we go . dump all that medical marijuana on there . actually , that smoke is a little too inviting . throw on that sack of barber hair . i couldve smoked that pot and worn that hair . homie , you dont need drugs anymore . your eyes are all better . eyes . what the hell are you talking about . i want my old dad back . the one who was yelling all the time and you know , im not really sure what i want . homer , its over . i want you to look at your children and promise them you will never do drugs again . all right , ill do it for my kids . as long as youre doing things for me , would you tie up your bathrobe when you walk around the house . never . yeah , i can still crash here , right . get out . remember when i dropped my keys and you thought the phone was ringing . yeah . get out . whats the matter , homer . youre drunk . but youre not like sloppy drunk . going cold turkey isnt as delicious as it sounds . look , im really glad youre off the wacky tobacky . yeah . you were getting all spacey and everything . we were gonna have an intervention . yeah . but at the planning party , i got alcohol poisoning . i nearly died . i was already making excuses not to go to your funeral . its been three days , and my mind is clearer . my sperm count is up , and im able to recognize simple shapes and patterns . dad , you just said that three minutes ago . unregardless , i will no longer be a slave to this . why are you keeping that thing . as a reminder , marge . yello . ahoy hoy, , executive v . p . im putting the final touches on my speech to the investors . and i need your generous guffaws . but i cant find you funny anymore . ill either tickle your ribs or feed them to my dogs . now , were ordering out . what would you like on your pizza pie . extra cheese . what do you take me for . lorenzo de medici . see you soon . dont worry , homie . you dont need mary jane to laugh at mr . burns jokes . just picture him naked . or with a funny hat on . so , profit margins will be thinner than louise brooks negligee . you know , louise brooks , the silent star of lulu . one of us has got to start laughing . if mr . burns gets flop sweat , hell die of dehydration . im drenched with sweat . im going to take a bathiola . when i come back , youd better be laughing . this stuff can make anything funny , even that show that follows friends . but i promised my family i wouldnt smoke it anymore . well , ive got to do something . start inhaling , waylon . this suit used to belong to judy garland . we could sing a song if you dont mind being mickey rooney . you mean that guy on minutes who yells all the time . sixty minutes . oh , my god . mr . burns has been in the tub for an hour . oh , mr . burns . you were too beautiful for this world . oh , man . oh , man . we killed mr . burns . mr . burns is gonna be so mad . the investors meeting is in minutes . so what . mr . burns is dead . we can carry on . michael eisners been dead for five years . ted turners just a hologram . now , we got to think . so , when somebody says i was an embarrassment to the country , i say , it depends on what the meaning of was is , jerk . you owe me . good night , everybody . bill clinton , everyone . hes jimmy carter with a fox attitude . and now , a man you will see is definitely not dead , mr . montgomery burns . mr . burns , as were running long , may we skip your speech and go directly to the questions . mr . burns , a two part question . one , when will you see a profit again . and two , whats that red stuff coming out of your ear . mr . burns , may i field that one . its true were losing money . but theres no reason we cant dance , the night away . mr . burns has left the building . all we are mollified . we are mollified . brilliant . we lost million and theyre cheering for more . mr . burns , youre alive . yes . i regained consciousness during my big dance number . those strings pulling me every which way jostled my heart from its slumber . and you wanted to take him to the hospital . oh , and you didnt . well , the worm has finally shown its fangs . smithers , make me slap him . you call that a slap . make me slap you . now , both . now , just you . now , give me a taste . now , both again . mr . burns now , all three . excellent . springfield . hey . want a chocolate . hold it right there , forrest plump . this town has laws against impersonating movie characters . oh , behave . luke , i am your father . shagadellic . what are you doing here anyway . waiting for my wife . she has a surprise for me . hey , . i didnt ask for your life story . did you say life story . things started out great . i ate what my mother ate . and my mother loved chili . then suddenly let go . let go . wow . tell me some more . dont you have criminals to catch . hey , im working on it . we got an undercover guy whos infiltrating the mob . oh , there he is now . hey , pete . pete . they fixed the coke machine . now where were we . my father and i were never really close . jack and jill went up the hill and jill came tumbling after . the end . good night . is that the same jack from jack and the beanstalk . you know , son , i believe it is . and jack sprat , is that him , too . say , how about a little nyquil . all gone . hmm . i never found true happiness until i met marge . excuse me . is this room . hey , whos that . i dont know . why do birds suddenly appear every time you are near . just like me they long to be hi . would you like to go shes mine . homer wed do everything together . oh . wow . a s nostalgia cafe . well , . i have never seen such reckless disregard for a wifes well being in my life . you just won yourselves a motorcycle . whoo hoo . homer and life just gets more exciting . marge , can we trade . i dont trust these guys . weve gotta get home before someone sees us . you know , all this danger is kind of a turn okay . then came the day that changes every couple forever . the day we got our elephant . while i wait for my family , ill tell you about the time my baby shot my boss . hey , thats great , but i gotta get going . whoa . theres a whole nother row of these bad boys . keep talking . its time for your surprise , dad . yeah . hop in , homer . ah . the family car . weve been through a lot together . get off the road , you freaking maniac . yeah , you jackass . homer , maybe i should drive . what . i can see fine . homer that had nothing to do with the bucket . homer , you genius . geronimo . huh . now before we get there , you have to put this blindfold on . all my other senses are getting sharper . bart , you had pizza for lunch . lisa , youre extremely depressed . as if . hey , homer , do you remember this voice . kathleen turner . no . its me , krusty . and youre at the springfield friars club where tonight were roasting you , homer simpson . are the proceeds going to charity . hell , no . whoo hoo . were all here tonight for one reason . to keep homer away from the buffet . excellent . that was at my expense . what kind of a roast is this . now id like to read some telegrams from people who couldnt make it . first we have mark spitz . whos mark spitz . whats a telegram . oh , forget it . i gotta get to the hot wings before the comic book guy . you know , lisa . they say father knows best . thats true , bart . excellent . but seriously , weve had a lot of fun with our dad over the years . joy to the world , the lord is come . let earth receive her king let every seasons greetings . peace out . silent night holy night aii is calm all is bright homer oh , that hurts . both will you take us to mount splashmore . no . will you take us to mount splashmore . no . will you take us to mount splashmore . no . will you take us to mount splashmore . no . will you take us to mount splashmore . no . will you take us to mount splashmore . no . will you take us to mount splashmore . no . will you take us to mount splashmore . no . will you take us to mount splashmore . no . will you take us to mount splashmore . no . will you take us to mount splashmore . no . will you take us to mount splashmore . no . if i take you , will you two shut up and quit bugging me . yeah . well of course . both will you take us to mount splashmore . yes . thanks , dad . thanks , dad . isnt this that cartoon that causes seizures . bart , what are you doing . hey , what the all right . a lot of people think our dads behavior has screwed us up . and it has . but its all worth it just to hear him sing . shaving my shoulders im getting it all shaved off max power , hes the man whose name youd love to touch but you mustnt touch his name sounds good in your ear but when you say it , you mustnt fear cause his name can be said by anyone max power . i like pizza , i like bagels i like hot dogs with mustard and beer i get the picture . ill eat eggplant i could even eat a baby deer whos that baby deer on the lawn enough already . dancing away my hunger pangs moving my feet so my stomach wont hurt im kinda like jesus , but not in a sacrilegious way and now our next speaker is mr . warmth himself , c . montgomery burns . i stand here to expose the criminal ineptitude of homer j . simpson . again and again hes brought this town to the brink of annihilation . why are you laughing . his bungling has shortened your lives and mutated your children . just look at all of his catastrophic nincompoopery . poop . lenny get ready , everybody . hes about to do something stupid . well , im sorry to disappoint you gentlemen , but you seem to have me confused with a character in a fictional show . now if youll excuse me , my fondue is just about get out of my way . fire , here comes one of our fellows now . i think i won , mr . burns . now heres a couple thats been dating . carbon dating . grampa simpson and agnes skinner . sweet toledo . whats keeping that dress on . the collective will of everyone in this room . excellent . you fruits wouldnt know what to do with me . i first met homer in in a bar in brooklyn . little did i know he would soon become mrs . joe dimaggio and roll the clips . uh oh . okay , dont panic . remember what the instructor said . if you ever get into trouble , all you need to do is feels like im wearing nothing at all . nothing at all . nothing at all . stupid sexy flanders . ow . my legs . this is the worst pain ever . single . hows he doing . i dont know . i think dad might be a little heavy for parasailing . faster , marge . faster . the snapping turtles are massing . heads up . coming through . look out . hey , volleyball . can i play later . hi , apu . oh , dear . you have ruined my work , you flying fat man . hey . step on it , mom . dads signaling that he wants to go higher . homer higher . bye bye, , fishies . higher . higher . im soaring . soaring majestically , like a candy wrapper caught in an updraft . higher , marge . higher . it wont go any higher , i say . i want to soar higher than any man has ever soared . i want to look down on the clouds with contempt . i want to sneer at gods creation and spit on his uh oh . lower . lower . there goes my turn . hey , abe , you want to hook up after the show . yeah . to a suicide machine . now everyone knows homer loves his family . im sick of your lies . secrets and lies . its always secrets and lies . homer , these people are professional roasters . dont give them fodder . secrets and lies . now lets welcome springfields original god couple , reverend lovejoy and ned flanders . thank you so much . the camptown ladies sing this song homer simpsons breath is strong hey , . now hold on there . the nice people want to hear the real words . but , ned , i was singing the real words . oh , lets just take it from the top . the camptown ladies sing this song the camptown racetracks five miles long thats better . homers breath smells bad oh , those are not the words . silence . cease all quips and comebacks . look . you werent in dress rehearsal , so youre not in the show . this cant be good for my pacemaker . what are you doing here . our planet has been observing your puny species since your planet was created years ago by god . in the name of the father , the son , and the holy ghost . and now humanity must be judged . the fate of your planet rests on one human being , homer simpson . why him . because he is the fat , selfish epitome of modern man . hey , he stole my bit . now we shall probe you to see if you are worthy . yep . word for word . okay , lets see what weve got . it has to be on channel . yes , . oh , yeah . thats a fine looking doh . okay , no big deal . stupid lisa . you gotta build fast . cement drying . all right , lets see . english side ruined . must use french instructions . le grill . what the hell is that . come on , fit , you . yeah . thats one fine looking barbecue pit . why doesnt mine look like that . why . why must life be so hard . why must i fail in every attempt at masonry . hows your fathers project coming along . i think hes almost done . yeah . hes done . why you little doctor better or worse . homer worse . doctor better or worse . homer much better . lisa , no . your hands are too weak . ow . ill mace you good . your species is brutish and primitive . do you have anything to say before we obliterate your planet . wait . what about maggies memories . surely the innocent soul of a child will redeem mankind . sure , lets give it a shot . oh , theres my sweet little maggie . oh , maggie . youre a simpson again . you know , maggie . the sooner kids talk , the sooner they talk back . i hope you never say a word . daddy . it worked , mom . maggies memories have shown them humanitys inner goodness . these are not tears . we are vomiting from our eyes . your babys treacle has only intensified our loathing . wait . look at the screen . the baby continues to reminisce . elton john . thats my name . well , not really . stephen hawking . stephen hawking . hi . im ron howard . billy baldwin . im alec baldwin . wait a minute . xena cant fly . i told you , im not xena . im lucy lawless . oh . wow , joe namath . thats right . my car broke down in front of your house . nsync member yo , dudes . awesome show . its nsync . word . this child thinks of nothing but trendy hollywood celebrities . we can learn much from this innocent one . like justin timberlakes home phone number . so i guess you cant destroy earth , since so many of your favorite celebrities live and work here . we will not destroy the earth . on one condition . you name it . i cant believe were going to the peoples choice awards . and tomorrow , the daytime emmys . oh , its burt reynolds and michael jeter . could an evening shade reunion be in the works . theres shannen doherty . didnt you have a thing with her . dont go there . man ullman shorts , christmas show marges fling , homers bro bart in well , flanders fails whacking snakes , monorail mr . plow , homer space sideshow bob steps on rakes lisas future , selmas hubby marge not proud , homer chubby homer worries bart is gay poochie , u , nra hippies , vegas , and japan octuplets and barts boy band marge murmurs , maude croaks lisa buddhist , homer tokes maggie blows burns away what else do i have to say . theyll never stop the simpsons have no fears weve got stories for years like marge becomes a robot maybe moe gets a cell phone has bart ever owned a bear . springfield . my brain . welcome to career day . here to tell to you about his job is barts friends dad , kirk van houten . how many of you children have gone out to your car and found a flyer on the windshield . are you the guy that puts them there . no . im his assistant . but one time he was sick and he let me do it . i totally screwed it up . thats it . i see . well , we still have minutes left . any questions . do you know moms getting re married . what . but she i think we should probably talk about that later , son . no . you might as well talk about it now . that was one lousy career day . if we cant get better speakers , well have to go back to teaching . and i cant stare at those lifeless fisheyes anymore . as head of the student activities committee , i have an idea . i was wondering what she was doing here . the speakers are poor because were letting just anybody do it . groundskeeper willie , groundskeeper willies enemy , seamus . yes . seamus . ninety minutes of watching a man drink in a bathtub . well , i think we should try the springfield speakers bureau . good idea . seamus , we wont need you to speak anymore . what . this is your doing , willie . ill turn your groin to pudding . you speak like a poet , but you punch like one , too . you bastard . wow . walter mondale , marvin hamlisch , mark fuhrman . the former president of procter gamble . we have a special this month . mr . blackwell debates mr . t . oh , please . ive seen nicer chains on a set of snow tires . i pity the fool who derives self esteem from mocking other peoples clothes . i hate myself . oh . heres a wonderful speaker , geoff jenkins . who . he created a cartoon called danger dog . its popular with kids and adults . yes . fine . hell do . anything to end this unstructured conversation . and in a gutless act of political correctness , pizza day will now be known as italian american sauce bread day . now thats sensitivity . right , giuseppe . giuseppe is such a happy monkey . and now , todays guest speaker , the creator of danger dog , geoff jenkins . students geoff . geoff . geoff . thanks , kids . next month well be airing the danger dog easter special . would anyone like to see a sneak preview . students yeah . danger dog , neuterville needs you . i hope this is important . ive got a hot date tonight . with sarah jessica barker . nice . anyway , your archenemy , molly ringworm , has threatened to destroy the city with her puke ray . the mayors barf is worse than his bite . le mot juste . if you freeze the frame , you can see that the chunks of barf are actually pictures of our animators and their friends . are there any questions . here . right here . hello . yes , you . what state does danger dog live in . michigan . next . why does danger dog mean more to me than school or church . because those things suck . i have a question , mr . jenkins . could you tell us about all the hard work and buckling down that you put into every cartoon . are you kidding . this is the easiest job in the world . i spend most of my time eating candy and going to r rated movies . wow . cool . wow . well , then , tell the children how hard you studied in school to get where you are today . studied . kids , all i ever did was sit in class and doodle . like this one . its what your principal would look like as a woman . fire , children . hurry outside . theres no time to let todays lecture sink in . whyd you do that . i wont stand by while youre glamorizing sass . now those youngsters will throw their lives away , drawing things that never were . im coming up with my own cartoon character . hes called danger cat . mines called trouble dog . im called ralph . mine is danger dude . but hes a dog . bart oh , yeah . well , im my own toughest critic , but i think its genius . now , to sell it for millions . this comic strip is lame and derivative . man ill be the judge of that . oh stan lee . creator of marvel comics . greetings , true believers . my heart is pounding like thors hammer on dr . dooms titanium infused faceplate . hey , arent you the guy who was stalking lynda carter . the term is courting . the restraining order says , no , . but her eyes say , yes , . lets see what youve got , son . my spidey sense is tingling . its that good . did i say spidey . i meant stinky . nuff said . what did i do wrong . i dont know . try everything . now hold on , comic book guy . this boys still finding his voice . so , youre saying i should keep trying . absolutely . and if you fail , you can always open a comic book store . stan lee insulted me . but in bizarro world , that means he likes me . i just need one great idea . batman . its been done . green lantern . no . i like little dot . could you rip that off . i mean , whos gonna know . id know , mom . that little girl sure loved dots . hmm . all i need is one classic character . stupid lawn chair . come on . unfold , you ow . doh . hey . homer thisll teach that stupid chair . im on fire . i hope no ones drawing this . hey , always drawing your old man , huh . you must think im the greatest dad in the world . lousy minor setback . this world sucks . man dont you hate carpet stores that charge extra for the under padding . i hate them so much . announcer tonight , when dinosaurs get drunk mmm . oh , ive been there , man . announcer has been canceled . instead we bring you the boring world of niels bohr . my ice cream sandwich . then where the hells the remote . why do people keep moving it . stupid this is perfect . a couple of stink lines around his butt , and im done . angry dad rocks . argh . im angry . thats like something my dads would say . simpson , youve created a timeless comic character . thanks , guys . will you sign martins cast . what cast . ow . i wont be swimming this summer . bart , this is just dad . its a composite character . your dad , my dad , a little of maggies dad . no . its just dad . maybe angry dad needs a sidekick , know it sister . can she have a pony . and the last line in the scene . your penciling is sub ziggy and the main character is off model in every frame . however , i deem this rack worthy . wow , i made it . my week long dream has come true . hold it , son . wouldnt you rather have an exciting action figure . but only batman fits in my batmobile . are you nuts . the thing fits in there perfectly . look . hes fitting right now . stan lee came back . stan lee never left . and im starting to think that his mind is no longer in mint condition . you broke my batmobile . broke . or made it better . now i cant stand in line anymore . bart simpson , creative genius . whats it to you . im from the internet . wed like to turn angry dad into an animated series . wow . angry dad , an internet cartoon . ill be in cyberspace next to the nabisco cookie web site . hey , soul patch , you cut the line . heres my card . whoa . this is people working . this is great . hey , bart . care for a childrens cappuccino . what up , man . this is my managersister , lisa . what up . everyone here loves angry dad . its just what weve been looking for . so , what do you want to do with it . bart , im not a woman and i cant have babies . but i can give life to animated internet cartoons . let me show you one of our hottest shows , bin laden in a blender . well , it delivers what it promises . now , bart , we cant pay you a salary . but we can give you stock . how is your company gonna make money . do you have a business model . how many shares of stock will it take to end this conversation . two million . it is done . now , lets watch another of our great cartoons , lou rawls , secret agent . youll never find that microfilm of mine bart , meet the voice of angry dad . okay . lets hear it . well , i was thinking of something like , im a big fat idiot . wow . i think we have our angry dad . woo hoo . when do i get paid . in . doh . internet man now , we just add color . in five minutes , itll be on the world wide web . i cant wait that long . to pass the time , help yourself to some more stock . thats funny . theres only one way my show can compete with this . book that animal that always chomps on my groin . woman susan anton . no , the lemur . oh , what a day . maybe the headlines will cheer me up . thats opinion , not news . that guys hilarious . i especially like his white shirt and blue pants . wait a second . angry dad is me . yeah . didnt you know . youve been world famous for an hour now . youre the internets number one non porno site . which makes you ten trillionth overall . what kind of a monster would humiliate me like this . bart this has been a bart toon presentation . in association with ay carumba entertainment . why that little stupid bart toon . bart toon, , thats clever . im gonna kill him . look , its internet buffoon , angry dad . lets send him into one of his trademark fits . hey , come on . make your eyes explode . stop it . the more you rock , the angrier i get . you heard the freak . leave me alone . look at me . im angry dad . this job sure is easy . now , to press this button . not again . angry dad , youre fired . homer die , monster . homer , what are you doing . were just rehearsing for angry dad the motion picture . howd you like to be played by john goodman . thats so obvious . it should be gary oldman . dad , im no fan of barts cartoon , but you have a real problem with anger . im just passionate . like all us greeks . no , youre angry . look , youre punching the cat right now . i am oh , my gosh , youre right . im a rage aholic . i just cant live without rage ahol . congratulations , dad . the first step is admitting it . is it also the last step . no . the last step is quitting . very well . im not gonna be angry dad for one day longer . im giving up anger forever . if you ask me , you should give up fatty foods . i said anger . did it again . where the hell is that soothing music coming from . homer , whats going on . i gave up anger forever . from now on , im into candles , soft music , and horse tranquilizers . nothing can make me mad out here . paperboy . milkman . piano lady piano lady . must suppress rage . huh . come on , angry dad , get angry . dont make me do a clip show . hello there , flan diddily . hey , homer . ive been singing your praises all day . marge said we could have choir practice in your house tonight . heres a preview . god said to noah build yourself an arky arky animals came on by onesies and twosies twosies elephants and kangaroosies roosies this little trap is gonna make my dad angrier than hes ever been . in the meantime , i got to tell those internet guys to hold tight . can i come , too . good idea . you can speak nerd to them . im not a nerd , bart . nerds are smart . oh , my god . what happened . they went belly up like all the other internet companies . looks like the bubble burst . bubbles can burst . yeah , but its a golden age for the repo business . one that shall never end . bart , its over . ow . what do you mean , its over . were bankrupt . the stock is at zero . but i have whats million times zero . and dont tell me its zero . bart , its not about how much stock you have . its about how much copper wire you can get out of the building with . looks like you cant retire by age . yeah . but at least now that my shows canceled , i dont need material . so theres no need to lure my dad into the trap i set for him . the trap . they call me mellow yellow , quite rightly this fellow never bellows , quite rightly mmm . this looks suspicious . but delicious . cacti . dirty diapers on strings . time to put this ordeal behind me . homer mad . thank god his pants stayed on . homer mad . homer smash . get revenge on world . look . its the incredible hulk . he cant be the hulk . im the hulk . please . you couldnt even change into bill bixby . come on , damn it . change . forget it . i really did it once . yes , . i just wish you had the power to leave my store . jeff you almost had it there . bart , your prank cost million in damages . i know . im sorry . sorry for what . saving your fathers life . what . what . its true . you see , these boils on homers neck are pent up rage . if barts trap hadnt set homer off , the anger wouldve overwhelmed homers system . you mean i shouldnt punish bart at all . why , if anything , he should punish you . huh . okay . well , son , i want to show you how grateful i am . lets go fishing . who knew that anger was saving my life . say it , dont spray it . youre trying to get me angry . thank you . youre not welcome . doh . i love you , boy . ha ha . you love a boy . stop it now . bart if you love me so much , why dont you marry me . thats a good one . springfield . manjula , why did you bring the octuplets to work . this is supposed to be our special time together . some special time . i get to stand around watching you sell fatty poisons to overfed americans . youd think that would deter me , but no . look . please , can you just take the children home . the porno magazine buyers are too embarrassed to make their move . look . come on . all right . lets go , children . cleanup in all the aisles . welcome , steady customer . i see you are ready for the civil war reenactment . i need some supplies . a keg of beer and a six pack to hold me until i tap the keg . here you go . thanks . are you sure you dont want to come . in a civil war reenactment , we need lots of indians to shoot . i dont know which part of that sentence to correct first . but i cannot come . i work hours a day and then i go home to a wife who will not touch me . the indian rope trick has become the indian nope trick . the squishee lady . oh , my god . i know you must get this all the time , but can i suggest a flavor . go ahead . grape . mmm . hello , annette . hows life , handsome . oh , take a penny , leave a penny . hey , she called me handsome . she likes you . put in a good word for grape . come on , guys . were gonna be late . okay , . dont go mary todd on us . come on , barney . if youre gonna be general grant , you have to have a drink . yeah , but im a recovering alcoholic , so one drink wont hurt . hey , youre right . i was afraid it would start me drinking again , but it didnt . mmm hmm . the second battle of springfield was fought by the north , the south , and the east to keep springfield in , out of , and next to the union , respectively . now , the actual battle was fought over there where that man is standing , but he wont move , so well do it here . very good . and now , let the battle be joined . bang , . pow , . hit with stick . hit with stick . die , you bastard . whoa . whoa , damn it . for me , the war is over . this battlefield is rife with inaccuracy . you , dead people , stop playing cards . and stonewall jackson , stop rollerblading . the south will boogie again . this was supposed to be a mock battle . mock . dont worry . im just gonna drain the area around your wound . so cold . so cold . brokaw we are gathered here this memorial day to once again honor you world war ii veterans . truly , you are the greatest generation . keep it coming , brokaw . lauding your legacy is a labor of love . youre damn right , it is . you cant thank us enough . every generation stinks but ours . uh oh . sounds like americas enemies are at it again . greatest generation to the rescue . and when i come back , i want a foot rub . yes , master . general , i hereby surrender . ow . not the pointed end , you dumbass . reinforcements . tanks . oh , this is just too inaccurate . well , then youre definitely not going to like my steam powered super spider . with the stepping and the squishing and the webs made of nylon . frink the nylon has been released . now , you just take the kids home . ive gotta return this keg . are you sure you can get your deposit back . its in pretty bad shape . why do you always take the side of local merchants . now , apu , when you gave me this keg , it had dents . and heres proof . hey . apu . that giggle is none of my business , or is it . apu squishee lady , youve had less than eight kids , havent you . havent you . please do the hindu that you do so well . avert your eyes , eunuch . whats a eunuch . unique unite homie , whats wrong . nothing . nothing . theres nothing eating me up inside . oh . it must be something big . hmm . something you did . no . something you saw . apu is having an affair . i know . can you believe it . oh , manjulas just gonna die . how did you find out . in my role as customer , i saw the whole thing . oh , this is so awkward . todays the day we play badminton with them . oh , i hope no one makes any double entendres . oh , apu , you keep scoring while my back is turned . are you sure youre not cheating . now , manjula , do you want me to find another partner . no . no , lets just keep playing . whats the score . dirty love . i mean . i mean , anyone for penis . ill just get the shuttlecock . oh . here , guys . why dont we play this . marge , why are you crying . youre not in any physical pain , the only kind of pain a man can understand . we have to do something to save that marriage . maybe i should just tell manjula . or you could talk to apu . he already knows . lets tell krusty . what would that accomplish . that guys hilarious . his reaction would be priceless . homer apu is cheating . thats sad . all those kids . i think hes building to something . so anyway , if you take that bottle down and pass it around i know . i know . there will be bottles of beer on the wall . yes . homer , you did not bring me here for this . what is it that you want to tell me . okay . this isnt easy , so im just gonna come out and say it . lets say this pepper got married to this salt shaker , and along comes sexy mrs . dash . homie , its have you told him yet . a girl in the bar . what do we do . watch and learn , you dinks . maam . is there something you want to tell me . i saw you and that squishee lady canoodling like junkyard rabbits . its true . it only happened once , but i am so ashamed . i am scum . yes , you are scum . what do you think i should do . tell that woman its over between you and her . yes . first thing in the morning , i promise . hey , marge , you care for a tropical drink . sure . is that windex . its windelle . i cant afford windex . okay , apu , be strong . before you measure my syrup levels , i must talk to you . while you talk , im just gonna help myself to some licorice rope . as much as i enjoy your company , and i truly do , i must insist that from this point forward , we not oh , my goodness . what are you doing . whoa , ha mahatama, , hatama , . not tonight . i said not tonight . wait , somethings wrong . why arent you pressuring me for sex . oh , im just happy to lie here appreciating and respecting you . okay , buster , what is going on . nothing . how can you even accuse me of repeated infidelity . i am so angry , i could just , i could fall asleep . i completely innocent . apu . come here a moment . this better be good because you are interrupting my faithfulness oh , boy . i took the tape out of the store surveillance camera . look . annette oh , apu , scratch and win . apu mmm . thats good adultery . oh , i am so sorry , manjula . oh . get out of my home , apu . i always thought karma was baloney , but not anymore . caramel baloney . hey , kirk van houten . i live across the way . if you dont like losing at cribbage , stay out of my place . okay . no , . ill let you win . ill let you win . god , im really lonely . welcome back to inside the actors studio . weve met rainier wolfcastle , actor , novelist , barbecue sauce spokesman . now can we meet mcbain . let me get into character . okay , im mcbain . all right , mendoza . ill give you the maxwell circuit if you put down my daughter . its a pleasure to eat your lead , good sir . kids , we want to talk to you about something . you might hear from your friends or co workers that apu isnt living at home anymore . i just wish there was something we could do . oh . oh , homer , are you thinking what im thinking . you bet i am . you can run , but you cant glide . usa . usa . tonight , we invite both manjula and apu for dinner , but we dont tell them the other ones coming . and krusty . we gotta invite krusty . i keep telling you , off camera, , hes a desperately unhappy man . but if we remind apu and manjula of why they fell in love , maybe they can work out their problems . yeah . cause if they dont manjula , weve got a special guest for you . is it my husbands whore . even better . this is going great . look whos here . its this thing . i am ganesh , your god . i am truly screwed . i order you to get back together or ill suck your blood . blah , . lisa bart , stick to the script . dont be a jerk . youre the jerk . youre the jerk . i know you have all gone to a lot of trouble to meddle in my affairs , but you cannot change my mind with one night of blasphemy and store bought tandoori . or should i say blandoori . manjula , please . i have known we were meant to be together ever since my mother forced me to marry you . if you give me another chance , ill do anything to make it up to you . mmm . come here , you . these are divorce papers . consider yourself served . hey , pally . where do you want the fudge mahal . uh , we didnt order that . homer can i lick your fingers . meet me at the mail slot . i have to warn you , apu does not have very much money . are you absolutely sure . because legally , i am allowed to shake him by the ankles and see what falls out . its established in the case of lawyers v . justice . that was a wonderful day for us . now , we have eight children . will that affect the settlement . perhaps . no offense , but you remind me of the monkey man who slaughtered my familys chickens . yes . i get that a lot . i have to think all of this over . i still have feelings for apu . i understand . who is apu . the face of divorce is not as beautiful as i had hoped . perhaps there is another way . when will you humans learn that your feelings , as you call them , can stand in the way of big cash payoffs . manjula , come quick . the octuplets said their first words . mommy will you let daddy come back . cookie . oh . they miss their father . are you sure you dont want to take him back . well , i do , but i dont want him to think that i am a doormat . i need payback . all right . girls night out . exotic male dancers at the golden banana . no . i want him to suffer . oh . well , when homer does something wrong , i write a list of ways he can make it up to me . then i shred the list and put it in his food . all right . we will write a list . at the golden banana . no . oh . over , under , round and round so your feet wont touch the ground . now lets see what awaits me in the next life . first i was a tiger , a snake , a clod , a goat with a hat , then me . a tapeworm , then assistant to lorne michaels . its going to be a rough couple of lifetimes . manjula . oh , apu , you are such a brahma queen . have you come to forgive me . i am willing to take you back really . provided you complete these tasks . number one , break up with squishee girl . well , thats a no brainer . number two , lose weight . number three , get cartoon published in new yorker . number four , legally change name to slime q . slimedog . number five , wear nametag that says same . i know a great nametag place . they do fabulous work . its where i got this . so our relationship is over , is that what youre saying . yes , im afraid so . well , we had fun . hey , apu , i think she likes you . this squishees awful . i only sell smooshies now . squishees reminded me of my misdeeds . my smooshie tastes like a shopping bag . mine tastes like dog fur . yes , but look at the deliveryman . he is hideous . oh , a challenge . wait a minute . this isnt on the list . its been on my list for a long time . not bad , eh . i bought the issue for richard avedons pictures of lenny . eliza , where the devil are my slippers . bravo . bravo . my fair lady performed with all octuplet cast . done . homer good show . yeah . marge yeah . it was magic . he took a cockney flower girl and turned her into my fair lady . i liked all the roles filled by minority actors . why , i didnt even notice . apu , you have completed the list . you may now move back with your family and your never ending disgrace . wait , . you forgot to eat a light bulb . thank you very much , you big fat blabbermouth . i sorry , . its been a rough month . here you go . dont worry , i soaked it in the toilet to soften it up . so , back in the old bed . i never realized it was so wide . yes , back to our marital closeness . maybe we cant rush things . oh , apu , i want us to be a family again . but it will take some time . we will know when it feels right again . whenever you are ready . springfield . welcome to second grade gymnastics . well get started as soon as the previous class finishes up on the equipment . dont worry . you can win them back if you stick the landing . big smile . come on , ladies . faster , higher , better . my bad . lisa , gym isnt just about encouraging fitness , its also about exposing weakness . check minus . are you mad , brunella . you cant fail lisa . shes the only child keeping this school accredited . without her , wed have to release these children back into the forest . so , lets just turn that minus into a plus . skinner , i took an oath . and by xena , this girls failing gym . perhaps we could get her a private coach . well , i know a coach . but hes tough . he defected into east germany . okay . for next exercise , put hands on hips , jump out window , and go tell parents to stop wasting my time with failure child . faster . lift your knees . look , lisa . theres an opening . who wants to put on a leotard and get screamed at . well , hookers and spider man . forget it . im going home . get up , liser . president kennedy . thats right , liser . academics are important . but you must also train your body with vigor . thats why i created the presidents council on physical fitness , yes . well , i cant argue with the man who wrote profiles in courage . yes . uh , i wrote it . well , good luck , liser . thanks . ill see you in heaven . uh , yes , uh , heaven . my little munchkin bumped her pumpkin . are you okay , lisa . im more than okay . ich bin ein gymnast . aw , she mustve dreamt about hitler again . there you go . a laffy meal for you , and a nostalgia meal for me . oh , boy . this takes me back . two ration stamps and an artillery shell full of oleo . whats your nostalgia prize , grampa . liberace action figure . liberace action figure party tonight at roddy mcdowalls . i got a plastic krusty saurus . hmm . a mosquito . howd that get in there . krusty on pa laziness is counter revolutionary . questions are decadent . fast hands mean less whipping . ow . skeeter bites are good luck . scratch it and you get a wish . i dont feel so good . can you take me to the hospital . finally were doing something i want to do . just relax . think of floor as full of snakes . you fall , they kill you . relax , . and snakes . bravo , little girl . great progress . you deserve reward . here is your cat back , good as new . oh , thank you . do you think ill pass gym this term . is no problem . god give you greatest gift . big head like beach ball made of bone . gives you perfect balance . yeah . excellent . all right . see you tomorrow . rest your giant head . i am lugash . youre reading gravitys rainbow . re reading . sorry . what are you guys talking about . i was making fractals . lisa these girls are brilliant . i finally found kids i can relate to . you guys are so cool . i cant believe i never met you before . well , im tina . and this is carrie . maybe we could hang out together . oh , id love to . you girls were all great . cats back for everyone . i had a dog . is cat now . need a ride back to campus . campus . you guys are college students . yeah . but with our small gymnast bodies , everyone always thinks were way younger . arent you in college . of course . where do you think i go . baby school . see you tomorrow , lisa . we find out what five minus three is . um im a teachers aide in a very special class . no , lisa . were both in go . go . go . why do people run from me . lisa wow . im actually passing as a college student . and they dont have a blues clue . whoops . gotta age it up . life sucks . totally . phew . so what dorm do you live in . actually , im off campus . i share a house with a couple of girls , a couple of guys . guys , huh . are they cute . well , barts kind of no . homer i get knocked down i get knocked down again you are never gonna knock me down . whoa . party house . homer hey , wheres my keg . moms not gonna like that . whos mom . thats what we call the gay guy who lives with us . hey , you doing anything tomorrow night . robert pinskys reading at caf kafka . robert pinsky . the former poet laureate . its gonna be great . the three of us can split a scone . non dairy . both duh . i take a whiskey drink i take a chocolate drink and when i have to pee i use the kitchen sink i sing the song that reminds me im a urinating guy . ill see you tomorrow . see you . splash . splash . splash . dr . hibbert chuckling now youre sure you havent been to china . theres no shame in it . no . i told you . a mosquito came out of my laffy meal and bit me . whats wrong with him , doctor . it cant be mange . i just had him dipped . your son is exhibiting classic symptoms of panda virus . here . take a look . i knew it was serious when he said he didnt want ice cream . i did want ice cream . well , your father ate it all . now dont worry . these pills will take care of everything . but for a week , bart will be highly infectious to others . contagious . outrageous . i got me some teachers to lick . well , i dont know about that . but dont worry . while youre infectious , you will lead a normal life full of normal social interaction . i dont like how many times you said normal . youll be living in this bubble . its clear plastic so the world can see how normal you are . help me . youll get the hang of it , honey . todays just a little gusty . everyones staring at me . ha ha . ha ha . this place is amazing . kiosks , outdoor study groups . lisa , where have you been . in heaven . i love her . shes a total free spirit . shed have to be where she lives . that place had a manson family vibe . yeah , well , i live in a dorm without a dsl line . freaky . i think the soups a little hot . bart , dont slurp your soup . my bubble , my rules . thats it , boy . its time for your bath . now go to bed . that is called parenting . im going to moes . test . test . roses are red . april is the cruelest month . cruelest month . now open your minds for the coltrane of the quatrain , the tony danza of the a b stanza . i give you the former poet laureate of the united states , mr . robert pinsky . tonight ill be reading from a copy of my book i just checked out at atherton library . i study there . say another building . thats it , pinsky . youve got them right where you want them . slow dulcimer , gavotte and bow in autumn hes reading impossible to tell . basho and his friends go out to view the moon in summer , gasoline rainbow in the gutter the secret courtesy that courses like ichor through the old form of the rude , full scale joke lisa im in a coffee house listening to poetry . theres a cat on a table and no one seems to care . this is the single greatest day of my life . impossible to tell in writing . basho , he named himself , banana tree . boys basho . banana tree . good night , bart . good night , lisa . good night , maggie . cherish these moments , homer . so im walking by the oval office . and i hear the president , pinsky , wheres my poem . well , i thought it wasnt due till tuesday . so i make one up . i am just pulling stuff out of my ass . and when im done , the president says , pinsky , youve done it again . ka ching . lisa oh , my god . my social studies project is due tomorrow morning . did she put in for the pizza . gotta finish . gotta finish . am i using too much glue . you wont eat our meat but you glue with our feet . well , its still the best thing in this class . a minus . lisa simpson , master of the double life . youre like my mommy after a box of wine . give me your lunch money . but its after lunch . its just an expression . like kick your butt could involve no kicking whatsoever . never fear , the sphere is here . thats it , simpson . im gonna kick you right in the ball . when nerds are in trouble , i am not slow . its spin , and away i go . once hes gone , theyll kill us . that young adult looks like lisa . that young adult is lisa . shes up to something private . lets go spy on her . ill get you down . bite these pencils . this is the life we chose . huh . where is everybody . anthro passive analysis of visual iconography . everyone takes it . all you do is watch itchy scratchy cartoons . after her . i feel like harriet the spy . now the classic itchy scratchy , episode dab f . butter off dead . good morrow to thee , neighbor . professor okay . freeze there . so what does this cartoon mean . it shows how the depletion of our natural resources has pitted our small farmers against each other . yes . and birds go tweet . what else . hey , mister . put the cartoon back on . im sorry , boys . we dont allow children in this class . what about lisa . shes only eight . lisa , did you lie to us . i just wanted to belong . for once i felt i was with intellectual equals . i cant believe i cheated off an eight year . i guess we wont be biking through italy . shes worse than that who pretended to be a freshman . i just wanted a place to sit down . what the you earned how many credits without our permission . sixteen . college is no place for a young girl , with those quadrangles and study carrels and syllabi , and doogie howser went to college when he was my age . against my wishes . but the atmosphere there was so stimulating . it was a bustling marketplace of ideas . oh . and this kitchen isnt . well i put those cathys on the fridge for you . i dont even like them . theyve gotten so smutty . sure . when a man does it , its smutty . but if a woman did it homer , cathy is a woman . oh , come on youre right . what are you guys doing . were gonna roll down the hill . can i come with you . i dont know . are you sure youre not too college for us . yeah . sorry we cant be more college . hey , einstein . whats a million plus a million . two million . so . dont let them get to you , lass . im too good for this place , too . now run home to your shack . i live in a house . well , la dee , college girl . well , i guess youre too good for me , too . oh , look at what are you doing . i was trying to throw bart over the roof and he got stuck in this tree . marge , wheres my pellet gun . marge in the tree . right . oh , no . not the good cheek . poor , bart . i know just how you feel . isolated , alone , cut off from everyone . are you kidding . this little baby has made me more popular than ever . hey , bubble bart . looking good . call me . the bubble makes everything shimmer and glow . you cant believe what that sunset looks like to me . thats not a sunset . thats a bird on fire . to may , . i wish i had someplace to call my own . no one wants me around anymore . i know a way you can win back the kids at school . really . thats wonderful . but how . all you gotta do is play a prank on the principal . well , i cant do it tomorrow . theres an assembly in his honor . weve got a little planning to do . step into my office . ew . bart . it wasnt me . in recognition of your years as interim principal , i hereby dedicate the seymour skinner parking annex . did they have to guess the date of my death . cant you be a team player just once . when i was starting out , they said , youre good . but are you plaque good . well , today i can say , yes , i am . three , two , one thank you . i will now take pre approved questions from honor roll students . yeah , i got a question . how dare you wear white . i hear what you do at night . security . get your hands off of me . why martin prince , daily fourth gradian . how about a picture of you and the cake for our society page . now normally i wouldnt go near a giant chocolate cake in my dress polyester . but with bart simpson safely encapsulated , id be delighted to pose . look , up there . its lisa . and shes winning us back . ive been taken down a peg . a whole peg . students lisa , . good going , lise . and it sure is great to be out of that bubble . it sure is sunny . was the air always this fresh . im just gonna hang out in this vent . does this thing suck or blow . suck . springfield . if you ask me , muhammad ali in his prime was much better than anti lock brakes . yeah . but what about johnny mathis versus diet pepsi . i cannot listen to this again . guys , i just ordered my wife the greatest anniversary present . a koi pond . a koi pond . yeah . a meditative lily pond with big , beautiful fish that fry up really good . thats the perfect gift . yeah . you dont even have to feed the fish , cause squirrels drown in it . you got this husband thing down , homer . yeah . you must be some kind of marriage super genius . how about a few tips . certainly , lenford . make every day a celebration of your love . surprise her with a pasta salad . put a mini beret on your wang . this stuff is gold . happy marriage , here i come . thisll really help with my speed dating . i got nos . i cant wait to see my surprise . hey , . no peeking . happy anniversary , marge . a koi pond . its beautiful . oh , you sweet , wonderful man child . i finally have a peaceful place to sit and hear my own thoughts . marge how much money did he piss away on this . what was that . what the hell is that noise . that caterpillar is screaming . the poor things in pain . what he needs is a visit from kindly old doctor foot . hold it right there , doctor foot . youre about to kill an endangered species , the screamapillar , which has chosen your yard as its home . fine , i wont kill it . finish the job . mr . simpson , allowing an endangered species to die is a federal offense under the reversal of freedoms act of . you are now legally responsible for the safety and well being of this screamapillar . everything you need to know is in this pamphlet . wow . look at all this stuff . without constant reassurance , it will die . its sexually attracted to fire . are you sure god doesnt want it to be dead . hey , whats god gonna do . make my wife leave me again . what does he want now . if he wants to sleep with us , forget it . put him down , boy . put him down . once upon a time there were three bears . the end . oh , fine . ill go back to the beginning . oh , no . i crushed that horrible bug . what should i do . bury it , quickly , before anyone finds out . im gonna tell . the hell you will . now were in it together . theres no going back . both yeah . stop what youre doing . why dont i hear any screaming . hes sleeping . then why dont i hear any sleep screams . well , the thing about that is woo hoo . hes alive . now you cant punish me . homer simpson , for attempted insecticide and aggravated buggery , i sentence you to hours of community service . next case . duffman v . duff brewing corporation . duffmans pension has been mismanaged . oh , yeah . objection . that party hearty attitude is a registered trademark of the duff corporation . whatever happened to fair use . lousy community service . meals on wheels . eat it up or i go to jail . didnt these meals used to have a cobbler . they discontinued the cobbler . you smell like cobbler . now lets not get into who smells like what . old woman come in . oh , i cant let you leave now . safe and sound . thats better . thank god im out of matches . oh , no . heres another one . please dont kill me . i wont tell anyone about the skeleton . and i could bring you more victims . like lenny . hed go great with wild rice . oh , dont be such a nervous pervis . thats not a real skeleton , its a halloween costume . but what about the ax . oh , dont be silly . i just use that to chop through those tough meals on wheels steaks . oh , i couldnt possibly eat all this . please join me . youre the shut in . so i threw the superball so hard it hit the ceiling twice , then broke a lamp . oh , homer , i feel like im talking to bennett cerf . yeah , ive gotten a lot of compliments about my talking . before you go , would you mind opening this jar of butter pickles . my pleasure . oh , my . youre as strong as you are handsome . and i can ride my bike real fast . arent you a wonder . can i call you the next time i need a muscular he man . hey . im not running an employment service , you old oh , you mean me . id be delighted . yello . hi , mrs . bellamy . no , im not doing anything . i can mow your lawn . cover for me . hello . uh huh . yes , mrs . bellamy . ill be right there . that woman is taking advantage of you . and we need you to do things around here . the oven light is out . and you never finished filling up the aquarium . marge , i cant say no to a helpless old lady . they put spells on you . fine . ill go talk to her . homers family needs him , too . and thats that . oh , marge , youre such a good woman to care so much about your husband . all i have left of my chester is his tattered old army jacket . let me sew that up for you . make sure you double stitch . then do these socks . darn her socks . i say darn her . ill do them and then im out of here . did you hear that gertie had a terrible fall outside the thrift store . oh . she would fall there . hey , who do i have to gum to get a refill . freshen your drinks , ladies . laxative . yeah . mother , may i read a magazine while i wait in the car . dont you read enough at school , bookworm . i am so sick of doing her dirty work . shes taking advantage of us , homer . the missus prefers you call me simpson . shes got a set of lungs on her . are you all right . that man took my diamond necklace . dont worry . youre gonna be just fine . okay . oh , my gosh . shes dead . so let me get this straight . this mysterious man with braces just stabbed the old lady and disappeared . without a trace . found her will , chief . it was just changed to leave the simpsons . so its a good thing she died , from our point of view , financially . well , id like to thank you both for cooperating with did you do it . chief wiggum . homer and i are innocent . im sorry , marge . i cant believe i tried to trick you with such an did you do it . no . now if youll excuse us , well just be does that ever work . no . no , never does . book him , lou . yeah , sure . go ahead . ill be back on the streets by dinnertime . youll see . and the elephant that couldnt stop laughing was put to death . speaking of death , octogenarian myrna bellamy was brutally murdered last night . the top suspects , her disgruntled servants , homer and marge simpson . bart and lisa hmm . top suspects . oh , dear . now everyone will think homer and i did it . the real killer is the man with the braces . yeah . if dad killed everyone he talked about killing , would any of us be here . youd be dead a million times . carl do you really think homer could be a killer . i just cant believe a man we sat and drank with all these years could do such a horrible thing . well , weve all got that voice in our heads telling us to kill . you just have to drown it out . ive been working on the railroad all the livelong day yeah , thats better . oh , man . what a day . id kill for a beer . right away , sir . i dont want no trouble . mmm . id stab somebody for a pickle . give me some peanuts . you didnt say youd kill me . ill kill you if you dont give me some peanuts . here you go , mister . todays readings come from matthew , mark , luke , and john . well , maybe just matthew and mark . amen . next on the springfield death tour is the home of marge and homer simpson , also known as h diddy and his murder ho . go away . wait , . thats a suggestion , not a threat . homer . what . it goes right by our house . this is ridiculous . youve been through my delicates , my silkies , my dainties , and my unmentionables . i insist on searching every inch of this home personally . heres my underwear drawer . wheres that robot . hey , chief . you better get in here . mrs . bellamys necklace . homer and marge simpson , youre under arrest for the murder of myrna bellamy . homer , what are we going to do . you know , chief , if you let us go , theres a diamond necklace in it for you . i hope youre not suggesting that i would take that necklace as a bribe . think again , dirtbag . because i can just swipe it later from the evidence locker . yeah , your wifes gonna look pretty good in that , chief . yeah . shes a super lady . i cant believe weve been arrested for murder . dont worry , marge . ill cut us a deal by becoming a jailhouse snitch . i know who stopped up the toilet . now dont worry , kids . youll be placed with a caring foster family . younguns , meet your new brother and sister . theys worth five dollars a day county money . im bart . and this is lisa . thems city names . from now on , youre dingus squatford jr . and pamela e . lee . but i like my old name . you hush up , dingus . they hated the victim . her death earned them . and the necklace was found in their home . does the defense have any closing remarks . well , not at this time , your honor . this is the only time . well , then no . mr . foreman , have you reached a verdict . verdict . is that what we were supposed to do . well , in all my years on the bench cause thats what we did . you juries . gonna be the how do you find . we find the defendants guilty . homer and marge simpson , i sentence you to death in the electric chair . but were innocent . it was the man with the braces . cant you do anything . surprise witnesses . evidence tampering . play the race card . play it . we appreciate your coming to comfort us . but were not catholic . oh , dear , . well , then i hope you enjoy your stay in hell . nice dress . oh , go home and have sex with your wife . thats it . bring it on . why you little come on , you sainted how can you have such an appetite at a time like this . lets just say im planning a little surprise for the execution . this cannon is gonna be full when i go off . ka boom . you know , this is our last night and our cells are side by side . its hard to get in the mood with all those murderous eyes staring at us . just think of them as twinkling stars . homie , im sorry . i cant . i just keep thinking about everything were gonna miss . the kids growing up . grandchildren . i want to confess . i killed and robbed the old lady all by myself . marge is completely innocent . the only thing shes guilty of is loving too much . the murder i did . congratulations , mrs . simpson . your husband confessed to everything . youre free to go . oh , my love . you saved my life . now you do it for me . dead man walking on the green mile . give me your hands , boss . ill kill you . i killed them other people , and ill kill you , too . you want some cornbread , mr . jingles . well , you can forget it . because im gonna kill you . hello . yes , governor . no , governor . its not too late . yes , governor . ill tell him right away . the governor says he hopes youre a twitcher . oh , yes . oh . chin up , homer . weve gotta put an electrode there to ground the brain stem . thank you . goodbye , marge . ill always love you . youre on frame up . thats right . homer simpson , youre the latest victim of the new reality show , frame up . its the man with the braces . im also your host . now lets meet a ghost . mrs . bellamy . there never was a mrs . bellamy . only me , carmen electra . i knew it . and im some actor they hired . frame up is foxs latest hit , right after no pants island and fart date . this whole thing was a joke . ive never been so relieved . relieved and angry . so wait a minute . wait a minute . you tied up the judicial system , costing the city millions of dollars , just for a tv show . yes . and im gonna be in the show . yes . can eddy and lou have producer credits . yup . now what are your last names . we dont have them . were like cher . oh , homie . im so lucky to be married to such a selfless and loving man . mom , dad . thank god youre okay . we were in the greenroom . i had so much shrimp . well , im glad everyones all right . but i think you should be ashamed . toying with a human life for tv ratings . uh , homer . my face is up here . ive made my choice . springfield . krusty hey , . hey , . hey , . hey , so hot . so sticky . marge . im back here . ah , the old folks . it happens every heat wave . okay , people , out of my freezer . but were hot and elderly . im sorry , these are reserved for the recently deceased . hmm . dont you go too far . this air conditioning is better than any truant officer . im seeing students i havent seen in years . mrs . k . oh , arthur . were wasting more energy than ricky martins girlfriend . hey oh . gentlemen , our citys sucking down the juice like my wife at an open bar . mr . burns , can your plant handle it . no problem . weve siphoned off extra power from the orphanage . who are they going to complain to . their parents . but , sir , were at full capacity . one more appliance could overload the system . fear not . our town has dodged disaster , and i have come out smelling like guest room soap . you know what will cool this place down . a little touch of winter . dad , no . were trying to conserve energy . lisa , if we start conserving , the environmentalists win . jingle bell , jingle bell , jingle bell jingle bell what . dad , its a blackout . a blackout . oh . every time santa and i get together , its a disaster . moe oh , no , the powers out . well miss foxs celebrity boxing . barney i heard tonight they have ed bradley versus mister ed . its terrible , all the traffic lights are out . driving sure is dangerous . yeah , tell me about it . i got some yuppie jerkoff headed right for me , yakking away on his cell phone . i hear that . i got some big shot barreling down on me . hey . who are you talking to . your boyfriend . hey , jackass . your voice sounds familiar . i dont hear an alarm . lets take stuff . whoa . isnt that stealing . no , its just looting . sweet . lets go nuts . man hot town , summer in the city back of my neck getting dirty and gritty mannequins . you cant buy these . oh . look at all these tube socks . but at night its a different world go out and find a girl come on , come on and dance all night despite the heat itll be all right and , babe , dont you know its a pity that the days cant be like the nights oh , crap . kent , this city has exploded in a fireball of pent up rage . i think what the viewers want to know , arnie , is , my house okay . you mean , is your giant castle okay , kent . dont hate me because i bought at the right time , arnie . whens my right time , kent . whens my right time . oh , no . theyre stealing the tire fire . all ow . ow . finally , some repression . clancy all right , everyone . disperse immediately . we are prepared to use force . what , . were not prepared , eddie . clancy someone call . eddie oh , they never come . thus ends the rule of law . look at those looters breaking windows , setting fires . theyre living my dream , and you wont let me join them . please , can i throw one little no . what if i just burn down a no . can i at least incite further no . ive caused enough trouble already by plugging in that santa claus . no more irresponsible behavior . can i have a beer . all right . but not the imported . homer . youve got to set limits , marge . no beer . get your t shirts here . i survived the springfield riot . remember me as a hero . the looters stole me glass eye . this be a superball . back in my day , we had people who stood up to ruffians . we called them men . i agree with the hideous crone . yeah . hear , . shes ugly . i think i speak for myself , comic book guy and bumblebee man when i say , i blame chief clancy wiggum . yeah . yeah . you know , its not just my fault . you were the ones doing all the looting . oh , sure . blame the victims . throw some nikes at his head . what size . people , rest assured the police departments ineptitude shall not stand . i am announcing the formation of a blue ribbon committee . a committee . did he say blue ribbon . committees dont get any better than that . man , am i appeased . so , can we keep the stuff we stole . i think thats implied . i dont care what they say . i wont feel safe in this town until we have better police . yeah . wiggum couldnt catch cooties at milhouses birthday party . dad oh . seriously , everyone says your parties rock . homer , this is all your fault . if you hadnt plugged in your dancing santa , none of this would have happened . i admit it . i did screw up . but i wont feel guilty until i can put a human face on this . mom . dad . someone stole my malibu stacy collection . marge , doesnt lisa have a human face . yes , and shes crying . thats it . nobody messes with my little girl . im going to find those dolls . are you gonna call the police . oh . forget it . they couldnt catch a cold with a cold catching thing . see , when you dont use milhouse , its hard . i love this kid . yes . interesting . okay . all right , ive come up with a composite sketch of my prime suspect . behold . dad , thats bart . exactly . look at him over there , eating that apple . whats he planning . what . maybe we should look for clues . youre right . whats this . a cap . from the wooly bully . do you sell hats . yeah . to people . people with heads . maybe . sometimes . dude , i need a new cap . ah ha . did you steal dolls from my daughter . i think they demean women . well , think again , son . youre going to juvie . but i just got out of juvie . good . cause i need directions . well , youll be happy to know malibu stacys fine . i really appreciate what you did , dad . aw . you said youd do something and you followed through on it . hey , you know , stopping criminals is fun . i felt like a big man pushing that kid around . yo , empty the register , dude . okay , youre the boss . automated voice silent alarm activated . oh . thats it . homer no cops in sight . if im gonna save that clerk , im gonna have to take the law into my own hands again . cheese . thats muy picante . homer , you are so brave . if anyone deserves to take a penny , it is you . well no . come on , come on , theres only one in there . you know , ive had a lot of jobs . boxer , mascot , astronaut , imitation krusty , baby proofer, , trucker , hippie , plow driver , food critic , conceptual artist , grease salesman , carny , mayor , grifter , bodyguard for the mayor , country western manager , garbage commissioner , mountain climber , farmer , inventor , smithers , poochie , celebrity assistant , power plant worker , fortune cookie writer , beer baron , kwik e clerk , homophobe and missionary . but protecting springfield , that gives me the best feeling of all . if you like protecting people , you can make that your job . you know , start a security company . finally , a way to combine my love of helping people with my love of hurting people . fellas , im starting my own private police force . will you join me . well , who would my partner be . how about lenny . both him . no way . youll do as i say , or ill have your badges . once i make and give you your badges . flanders . i was able to find your missing leaf blower, , belt sander and morning newspapers . well , nice work , inspector find it . did you catch the thief . who said it was a he . well , i sure didnt . who said you did . nobody . wrong answer . lets go . okely dokely . youre pushing your luck , pal . homer heres my commercial . a monster . is this you . if it is , dont dial . simply dial help me , springshield . have no fear , springshields present . thank you , springshield . friend . the only friend you need is springshield . monster put in wallet . that commercial is very effective . you know , the old ladys apartment was actually lennys . we just used a different duvet cover . well , theyre both lovely . hey , officer homer , howd you get so big and strong . green vegetables and homework . oh , shucks . hey a, , officer homer . you look a hungry . i shine a you up a nice big pizza . wow . look at dad . people really respect him . hold your heads up high , kids . i didnt know my chin went that far up . oh , yeah , thats the pride . homie , to honor springfields newest hero , i made you your favorite dinner . all three courses are dessert . even dessert . dessert is three desserts . mr . mayor , youve been unflinching in your support of chief wiggum . yes , i still believe in our duly appointed police force . behind these doors are the finest cops ever to wriggle into size  pants . wiggum . am i getting warmer . clancy , youre a disgrace . and in my blind rage , i hereby turn over all this towns police duties to homer simpson and springshield . woo hoo . im chief of police . police . uh oh . oh , wait . it was better the other way . now that i am the law , im gonna make a lot of changes around here . first , im gonna cut overhead by freeing otis , the lovable town drunk . you can let me go , but ill just keep exposing myself at the mall . what a character . cool . a lie detector . lisa is a dork . lisa is a dork . dad , make him stop . well , according to this , hes telling the truth . hurry up , boys . weve got to get these toy poodles to the pet shop . all right , fat tony . your little game is over . hey , howd you find us . one of these ferrets is wearing a wire . youre not a pet and youre not a friend . youre nothing to me . with this latest arrest , springfield is now free of crime . although overrun with ferrets . happy days , people . truly happy days . daddy , how come youre not at work . i dont know . how come youre not at school . my teacher says shes tired of trying . yeah , well , so am i , ralphie . so am i . marty its bill and marty on the line right now with springfields very own fat tony . fat tony i wish to announce that my associates and i will gun down homer simpson if he has not left town by noon tomorrow . bill wow , thats quite a threat . do you have a song request . fat tony radar love . if that thug thinks he can run me out of town oh , man , i love this song . ive been drivin all night and ive got sweat on the wheel theres a voice in my head that drives my heel its my baby callin on the telephone i got some pizza and im bringing it home you all know me . ive kept the streets safe for you and your children . ive tricked or treated at many of your houses . last year , i was jar binks . now , who will stand and fight with me . im with you , homer . shut up , flanders . anyone else . what about you , dr . hibbert . oh . well , id love to help you , homer , but i have too darn much to live for . i just discovered thai food . id help you , but i have yet to kiss a human girl . and ive got a tivo full of unwatched dharma and gregs . sorry , homer . im a coward now , like all recovering alcoholics . after everything i did , youre going to abandon me . homie , please , why dont you just leave town . what . and let them come after you and the kids . we could come with you . in one car . with no air conditioning . and the little poop machine going every minutes . i need you guys to help me . whyd you lock yourselves in . hey , why does anyone do anything . the point is , whats done is done . my jersey muscle . its so good to see you . did you have a nice flight , johnny tightlips . i aint sayin nothin . i understand . how is your mother . who says i have a mother . very well . lets do this thing . man you woke up this morning got yourself a gun mama always said youd be the chosen one she said , youre one in a million you got to burn to shine but you were born under a bad sign with a blue moon in your eyes and you woke up this morning and all that love had gone your papa never told you about right and wrong but youre looking good , baby i believe youre feeling fine shame about it born under a bad sign with a blue moon in your eyes so , sing it now woke up this morning you got a blue moon got a blue moon in your eyes is your husband at home . fat tony , how can you do this . sorry , but this is the business weve chosen . but youre just perpetuating a negative italian american stereotype . i mean , you could be a pizza man , organ grinder , leaning tower maker , and did i say pizza man . you are listing my broken dreams . i dont get it . i finally did a job where i wasnt lazy , stupid , or corrupt and now im going to get killed for it . any last words , simpson . yeah . you can kill me , but someone will take my place . and if you kill him , someone will take his place . and thats pretty much the end of it . the town will be yours . all right , lets do it . dibs on the crotch . all oh . hes got backup . somebody does care . johnny tightlips , can you see the shooter . i see a lot of things . you know , you could be a little more helpful . oh . homie , im so glad youre alive . yeah , but this town doesnt deserve me . im giving this badge to the next guy i see . thats funny . because this is how i got the job the first time . im so glad this all worked out . thanks for saving my husband , chief . hey , i didnt shoot anybody . they took my gun , they took my badge . hell , they wouldve taken my squad car if i hadnt hid it under some hay . well , then , who shot all the gangsters . i must have a guardian angel . with a rifle . marge time to check in on our little sweetie pie . oh . shes taking a nap . yeah , probably dreaming about the time she shot mr . burns . shes just like clark kent . when theres lots of excitement , shes nowhere to be found . nighty night, , sweetie . springfield . hmm . hmm . hmm . ha . hmm . hey , who cut out beetle bailey . i need my miss buxley fix . i dont like you ogling her . why dont you read cathy . shes hilarious . eh , too much baggage . whoo , my horoscope . taurus today you will die . what . and you may get a compliment from an attractive coworker . lenny . it really says die . that sounds unusually specific for a horoscope . maybe i better check mine . today your husband will die . homer , im scared . oh . scary newspaper . dont hurt me , horoscope . im afraid  ow . oh . paper cut . paper cut . missed me . stupid horoscope . stupid horoscope . cloopid blorapope . homer , if i may compliment you  yes . go on . that is one handsome rattlesnake you got bitin your arm there . yeah , its quite fetching . but , uh , arent you worried about the deadliness . nah , hell get tired of bitin in an hour or so . snakes  natures quitters . that horoscope was baloney . nothing happened except for the pickax in my head , the rattlesnake bite and the testicle thing . whats for dessert . no dessert until you eat your broccoli . oh , fine . mmm . another broccoli related death . but i thought broccoli was  oh , yes . one of the deadliest plants on earth . why , it tries to warn you itself with its terrible taste . sure is easy when theyre stiff like this . and very sad . saint peter . whoo hoo . got to heaven before you , flanders . ha , . i wouldnt celebrate so soon , mr . simpson . i dont see a single good deed next to your name . well , the thing about that is , um  ow . oh . homer , settle down . ill give you a chance to get into heaven . you have hours to go back and do one good deed . im sorry . i didnt get the number of hours or good deeds . oh , homie . i still cant believe a piece of broccoli killed you . what the hell was i thinking . i tried the broccoli again . you have hours left . marge simpson . homer , its you . i thought id never see you again . you were wrong . dead wrong . do you have to talk like that . no , not really . marge , you gotta help me . i have to do one good deed to get into heaven . well , ive got a whole list of chores  clean the garage , paint the house , grout the ti  whoa , . im just trying to get in . im not running forjesus . okay , good deed , good deed . hello . hey , a chance for a good deed . huh . no . shes mine . oh , my lord . hey . wha wha whats happening to me . people can see up my bustle . hey , stop squirming . uh oh . im pretty sure she was gonna be the next hitler . hello . good deed done . lets see . good deed . gotta find a good deed . ha ha . bingo . your dad is dead mines just in jail nelson . huh . who said that . i am the ghost  gotcha . ha ha . bart , help . just one minute left to get into heaven . theres gotta be some good deed i can do . come on . think , . my baby . stop that crying . man , youre annoying . oh , its a miracle . thank heavens . whoo hoo . did you see that . i did the deed . open up . oh , im so sorry . i wasnt looking . hey , i thought you guys could see everything . no . youre thinking of santa claus . well , ill be damned . im afraid so , yes . oh . i am homer simpson  silence , sinner . prepare for an eternity of horrible pain . oh , no . oh . ha ha . oh , be quiet . youll wake upjohn wayne . im already up . son , i dont like you watching that fire . its too violent . youre missing the best part , sister . forget that stupid book . but these fairy tales take me away from the harsh reality of peasant life . aw , its not so bad . ow . oh . i just got over the plague . hello , wife . hello , children . whos up for a merry jig . uh  ow . oh . who am i kidding . im not merry . i lost my job as an oaf today . what . oh . why are the oafs always the first to go . maybe you could be a dunce , father . really . hey . what do you think . do you love it . oh , im no dunce . i was born an oaf and ill die an oaf . but , husband , without your weekly pittance , how shall we feed our children . dont worry . no child will ever starve in my home . so long , kids . enjoy your new home . say hi to your other brother and sister . other brother and sister . face it . theyre not great parents . no . that bridge has a troll under it . everything in this forest is from a fairy tale and this book can keep us one step ahead . aw , geez . i came on too strong again . oh , im so desperately lonely . hello . lost lovable orphans . hmm . bowls of porridge . oh , this seems somehow familiar . lets see . hmm . oh . whoa . too hot . mmm , hmm . oh . too cold . well , this doesnt take a genius . mmm . were in the three bears house . that was close . i wonder where goldilocks was . oh . that bed was just right . oh , no . boy , dumping your kids in the forest sure gets your hands dusty . what . you threw our precious babies into the woods . we couldve sold them . go back and get them . heres a better idea . i know how we can replace those children . son . daughter . im ever so sorry . la , brave sir knight . i pray you , climb up and rescue me . hmm . hmm . ow . no . wait . wait . hmm . wow . a house made of gingerbread . come on in , my darlings . the best candies are inside . wait . let me check the book . ah , she seems nice . im gonna go with my gut and trust her . youre probably right . sweep faster . its almost time for your beating . oh , this is horrible . horribly delicious . you know , shes only fattening you up so she can eat you . eh . what are you gonna do . well , at least stop basting yourself . mmm . stop your chattering and sweep . this house is filthy . so what do you care . its not like you have friends . i have a boyfriend . sure . yeah , right . what . i do . oh , yeah . whats his name . uh , george cauldron . george cauldron . maybe he can fix me up with ed ladle . thats it . into the oven with you . ah . what . mmm . sugar walls . father , i knew youd rescue us . oh , rescue you , stuff myself with candy  its all good . oh , thats a load bearing candy cane , you clumsy oaf . ha . oh . huh . yah . aw . ah , is that all you got . huh . huh . mmm , fish . oh , no . thats me . get me out of here . get  out  just a minute . oh , god , no . let me out . i couldnt be in more pain . ah . ah . oh . uh , hello . im george cauldron . is suzanne ready yet . almost . just give her another minutes . yeah , but the concerts at . mmm . mmm . well , were still poor . but thanks to your father , well never go hungry . speaking of which , how about seconds . comin up . lets give snorky a big hand . whoo . yea , snorky . now were gonna need a volunteer to frolic with snorky . so raise your hand if you wanna be  oh , snorky . folks , were heating up the lobster tank so hurry on over if you want to pet em before you eat em . its okay . theyre gone now . you could  hey , where you going . oh . you want to be with your friends . uh  oh . its getting away . kill it . go on . swim to freedom . go . ahh . ew , yech . ah . mmm . alcohol and night swimming . its a winning combination . oh . uh oh . sharks  the assassins of the sea . oh . hey , youre not sharks . youre dolphins  the clowns of the sea . ow . ow . hey , whats the gag . oh . oh . hmm . bottlenose bruises , blowhole burns , flipper prints . this looks like the work of rowdy teens . lou , cancel the prom . arr . it begins . the dolphins are upon us . and only this old sea dog knows how to stop the arr . rarr . two krusty shakes , a doughnut burger with cheese and a party size bucket of flan . yes , i will have fries with that . anything to get out of work . our top story killer dolphins . killer dolphins . the recent wave of murders  um , di did i say killer dolphins . i meant killer italians . gray , bottlenosed , intelligent italians . intelligent italians . somethings wrong . its dolphins . we have to stop them . if we speak in low frequency voices , i dont think they can  ow . those dolphins seem bent on mayhem . weve gotta warn grampa . hmm . phones off the hook . everything must be okay . aw , im gonna give your liver such a punchin . people , please . were all frightened and horny . but we cant let some killer dolphins keep us from living and scoring . willie , must you do that now . ach . you want streaks . cause if you interrupt me , thats what youll get . oh . its approaching the podium . surely it cannot speak . snorky talk man . im sorry . let me start over . eons ago , dolphins lived on the land . what did he say . he said dolphins used to live on the land . whaaa  then your ancestors drove us into the sea where weve suffered for millions of years . but you seemed so happy in the ocean . all that playful leaping  we were trying to get out . its cold , its wet . every morning i wake up phlegmy . plus all that sewage we keep dumping . that was you . it was her , all right . take the one who wronged you . i , king snorky , hereby banish all humans to the sea . yeah . pushy dolphins . l l tuned out . where where we going . wait . stop . we can outsmart those dolphins . dont forget we invented computers leg warmers , bendy straws , peel and shrimp the glory hole and the pudding cup . im not gonna let a few hoop jumping tuna munchers push me around . uh oh . geez . so many dolphins . oh , no . you poor thing . here . ow . son of a  hey , leave my daughter alone . come on , humans . weve wiped out entire species before . we can do it again . oh , help . oh . if i could just  oh . this is really not  oh . youre hurting my  oh . come on , lads . lets drive em back to the ocean . well , you gotta hand it to those dolphins . they just wanted it more . i kinda wish i hadnt freed their leader and , you know  doomed mankind . oh , honey , i wouldnt say doomed . its gonna be an adjustment , no question . but  ugh . can you believe it , kodos . they left us out of the halloween show . are you sure the space phone is working . hang up . they could be trying to call right now . i knew we shouldve sent them a muffin basket . kang and kodos productions . uh huh . yes . just a second . do we want to do a commercial for something called old navy . eh , work is work . springfield . here you go , boy . soups on . whoa . hmm . hmm . hmm . hey , if youre out here , then whos in there . whoa , a badger . sorry , man . you cant crash here . come on , lets go . well , boy , looks like you got yourself a roommate . come on , lise . theres gotta be a way to lure that badger out . well , according to whatbadgerseat . com badgers subsist primarily on a diet of stoats , voles and marmots . hmm , stoats . stoats . stoats are weasels , bart . they dont come in cans . then whats this . that says corn , bart . must you embarrass me . here we are . in a pinch , badgers have been known to eat woodpeckers . perfect . hey , todd . can we borrow your woodpecker . i guess so . but we need him back by . its his birthday . okay . ow . hmm . television broken . no . theres a badger in there . badger , my ass . its probably milhouse . milhouse . milhouse . its a badger , all right , or possibly a griffin . do you have any dynamite . tons . get it . no , dad . we dont want to kill him . lets call animal control . great idea . then we should call the doctor about this . how did the badger do that without ripping your shirt . what am i , a tailor . hmm . hmm . your call cannot be completed as dialed . please make sure you have the correct area code . area code . but its a local call . the phone company ran out of numbers so they split the city into two area codes . half the town keeps the old area code , and our half gets . what the hell is that . oh , my life is ruined . geez , you just have to remember three extra numbers . oh , if only it were that easy , marge . go away . we got bigger problems now . im not gonna stand for this . im gonna call the newspapers , the tv stations , the gas stations , everybody . i hate this new area code . like i dont have enough to remember already . is that right . dont you miss the old carl . im not sure which ones better . the six is closer to the three , so you got convenience there . but the nine has less to do with satan , which is a plus in this religious world of ours . what really burns me up is they didnt give us one word of warning . what do you mean . they ran those tv commercials about it and that big radio campaign . dont forget the leaflets they dropped from the space shuttle . and the two weeks we all spent at area code camp . not a single word of warning . and traffics all backed up due to a mattress on the freeway . a mattress . uh oh . joan collins must be in town . oh , behave . joan collins . that girl sleeps with everybody . okay , time to give away free concert tickets . what you talkin about . what were talking about , gary , is the who . were giving away tickets to next weeks concert at springfields historic yahoo search engine arena . the who . i love bands . and now well dial our big winner at random . dialing at random okay , lets start with and . thats my number . ahoy hoy . hey , thats not me . dad , were not in their area code anymore . congratulations . youre gonna rendezvous with the who . ohh . its not fair . ive been a fan of the who since the very beginning when they were the hillbilly bugger boys . you should call that radio station and let em have it . good idea . why , you little  ow . ow . ow . i know that some of you are upset about the area code change especially those of you covered with dynamite . first , let me reassure you your fears are groundless and your complaints moronic . thats good . this film will explain everything to you in words that you can understand . hi . im phoney mcringring , mascot and president of the telephone company . im here to explain why the convenience of one area code in your town . has been replaced by the convenience of two area codes . uh , i have a question , phoney . its a movie , dad . quiet , honey . daddys asking the man a question . youre probably thinking , sure , more area codes are great and i dont mind paying the extra hidden fees but how will i remember all those numbers . whoa . well , scientists have discovered that even monkeys can memorize numbers . are you stupider than a monkey . how big of a monkey . of course youre not . well , im convinced . a professional looking film like that has gotta be right . i agree . two area codes is more convenient . i like it . wait a minute . we havent heard from me yet , the nut with the dynamite . the phone company is bamboozling you . i accuse the phone company of making that film on purpose . well , of course we did . now , im not one to make trouble but it seems to me that everyone who got to keep the old or classic , area code lives on the rich side of town . oh , poppycock . i never . eeeww . and as usual , wejoe twelve packs get the royal screw job . homers right . were gettin thejoan collins special . hes right . were gettin it but good . well , ive had it . you rich snobs arent pushing us around anymore . and what are you pathetic slobs going to do about it . well , l  huh . oh , nice wiring , bart . worked on the test corpse . okay , plan b . fellow ers , i say we break off and form our own city . yes . were with you , homer . come on . lets go . viva la revolucin . now whos stupid . there . were officially a city . now we just sit back and wait for an n . f . l . franchise . say , i couldnt help but overhear . i represent the arizona cardinals . keep walking . good decision there , homer . you showed a lot of poise . yeah . maybe you oughta be mayor of new springfield . mayor , eh . the mayor . starring homer simpson . i reluctantly accept this highly paid, , glamorous job . presenting our new plaque . i say the time for bitterness has passed . let us extend to our brothers in new springfield the olive branch of  new springfield rocks . go ahead and laugh . we have a better town bird . oh , yeah . what is it . the bluebird . damn it . more wheat cakes , mr . mayor . read my lips  yes . dad , you got syrup on your sash . no problem . if you ask me  stop right there . its stupid to divide the city over something as silly as an area code . it would be like you and mom splitting up every time you have a fight . sweetie , you know your mother and i only stay together for the sake of my political career . thats not true . big grins . thatll play great in the sticks . oh , that was already . go long . hey , look what i found . a novelty flying disk . give it back . thats my novelty flying disk . youre in olde springfield now . everything on this side of the park belongs to us . hey , his pants are in our park too . get him . my homework is in your park . lets do it . yoink . what does freedom mean to me . all right . root beer , bananas and toilet paper . fifty percent out of tax . out of tax . im sorry , mrs . simpson , but we have to charge you foreign devils more . all right . but this better be the best toilet paper ive ever had . oh , no worries there . thats hendersons toilet paper . oh . why didnt you say so . hey , is there a bathroom here . not for you . i dont know why , but i just didnt feel comfortable until i was back here in new springfield with my own kind . mom . they were looking at me with their eyes . as expected , new springfields bold experiment in slob rule is a disaster . hey , the tv man is talking about us . a study shows their crumbling economy is due to their lazy attitude and shoddy work . how the hell did they find that out . scientists say theyre also less attractive physically and while we speak in a well educated manner they tend to use lowbrow expressions like , oh , yeah . and cmere a minute . oh , yeah . they think theyre better than us , huh . bart , cmere a minute . you cmere a minute . oh , yeah . dad , i dont think this is such a good idea . thank you , marge . now lets see how olde snob field does without electricity . whoo hoo . oh , no . you cant do heart surgery in the dark . sounds like a wager to me . ill take a piece of that . i will now transport sir isaac newton into the modern day . warning . power failure . oh . oh . sweet glayvin . oh , good god . hey , wait , . ow . oh . oh . sir isaacs legs are hurting . in retaliation for the power outage olde springfield patriots have intercepted a beer truck bound for new springfield and dumped all the beer in the river . those rich , snobby indians . theres nothing like revenge for getting back at people . i dont know . vengeance is good . whoo hoo . blood for water . they got us now . without water , were doomed . wait a minute . whats that gold colored substance in the riverbed . why , thats gold . were slightly richer . eureka . with the money made from the gold olde springfield was able to buy the evian water factory and fly it over here from france . ohh . thanks , mayor simpson . because of you , were all takin golden showers . what . we cant go on fighting with olde springfield . these people are our neighbors . we see them every day . youre right . weve got to block them from our sight with a giant wall . like the one in berlin . good idea . we should call the guys they used . homer . its ringing . and id like to thank low ball construction for building this amazing wall from recycled materials . im so conflicted . about what . loyal citizens of new springfield you stayed on my side of town despite a total lack of hospitals and schools and a sewage nightmare that threatens to consume us all . how will we get our food . all the roads are blocked . dont worry . we have plenty of supplies to get through tomorrow . and then a wave of disease should help to  hey . stop streaming over the wall . at least wait till im through talking . okay . now as for food , the following breeds of dog are edible  see ya . bye , homer . oh . i cant believe all those rats fled my town . guess its just us and the tumbleweed . oh . well , dad , youre mayor of a ghost town . i cant believe those traitors abandoned us . they couldnt take one lousy famine . dad , youre bleeding . no problem . anyhow , those rats will come crawling back . ha ha . weve got the who playinhere tonight . dad , the arenas in olde springfield . doh . dont give up , dad . maybe we can get the who to play here instead . hey , maybe we could . but well need some liquid persuasion . come on , bart . were gonna bring back the who . can i help you . uh  dad . the chloroform . huh . oh , right . ill give you this bottle of chloroform if youll take us to the who . doh . oh , so you wanna see the who , huh . well , ill take you to the who . heres your who . i thought we fired that guard . oh , yeah . right . i got fired by the who . whatever you say , pal . wacko . wow . the who . whoo . rock and roll . what the hell are you doing . duh . trashing the hotel room . but we promised the desk clerk wed be good . yeah . we dont want to lose our pool privileges . whatever . the point is , im homer simpson . the mayor of new springfield . thats right . the crazy mayor of new springfield . thats right . and i implore you to move your concert to our town . dont play olde springfield or as it is sometimes known , sun city . but we have a handshake agreement with a concert promoter and thats a sacred bond . sacred bond . come on . what happened to the angry , defiant who ofmy generation wont get fooled again and mamas got a squeeze box . we know our songs , homer . but those olde springfield squares are just gonna make you cut your hair , turn down your music and wear frilly shirts like keith partridge . keith partridge . who huddle . well do it . yeah . just send a cab for us . is something wrong with your legs . youre right . the walk will do us good . i opened for the who at woodstock . i came out in a beatle wig with a ukulele . hendrix said he almost plotzed . his exact words . oh , i never tire of that story . smithers , why did you iron a crease in these dungarees . i look like a square . uh , that crease is in your leg , sir . oh , so it is . yes . hmm . its not like the who to be tardy . im worried . whats that . yarrr . tis the who . by my reckoning , theyre in the scurvy depths of new springfield . homer stole our rock performance . that fat , dumb and bald guy sure plays some real hardball . whos ready to riot . i wont get to get what im after till the day i die how you doing out there , new springfield . to be honest , its a little chilly  oww . get out of the way , marge . we were expecting a bigger crowd , homer . dont worry . theyll be here . and then theyll see whos got the better town . now , these are the tunes i want you boys to play . wait a minute . homer . a lot of these are grand funk railroad songs . and we dont know pac man fever . oh , come on . it plays itself . pac man fever doo doo its a driving me crazy look , lisa . daddys in the who . oh . oww . give us back our concert , simpson . so , new springfields looking pretty good now , isnt it with our ample parking and daily who concerts . daily . well talk . all right , enough chitchat . lets see how you like flaming garbage . ha ha . you hit the tire fire youll have to do  oww . oh , why me . oh , oww . people , please , whats all this fighting about . apparently they have two different area codes . well , ill be chuggered . thats the sticky wicket . why not just buy telephones with auto ring up . or as you yanks call it , speed dial . radio shack has some great ones . oh , says you . magic bus . yeah , magic bus . okay . well play magic bus if you tear down this wall . pinball wizard . oh , hell . ill do it meself . yeah i tip my hat to the new constitution take a bow for the new revolution well , marge , looks like your insane experiment is over . my experiment . youre the one who came up with this whole idea  just like yesterday when i get on my knees and pray yeah meet the new boss same as the old boss shh . springfield . this watermelon wont know what hit it . i love our tuesdays together , dad . dont you two have a list of chores to do . hey , we just took care of that dangerous melon that was threatening our garden . yeah . were heroes . but wheres our parade . all right . open stuck drawer . all righty . its hopeless . or is it . yeah , its hopeless . i said , or is it . i said , it  oh . homer , what are you doing . listen , do you want the job done right or do you want it done fast . well , like all americans , fast . but  clear . hmm . well , you cant argue with results . oh , baby . oh , dont worry . youll be sleeping in this beautiful new doghouse . target date january . and now , the grand finale . get lisas jammed tape out of vcr . whoops . wait a minute . there . fire in the hole . hmm . its gonna take a lot of fireworks to clean this place up . whats going on here . uh , honey , theres a point in every fathers life when he blows up his daughters room . oh , yeah . you didnt blow up maggies room . oh , lisa . this must be a rough time for you . do you have any friends or family you can stay with . youve ruined all my stuff . oh , come on . tell us how we can make it up to you . hey , pretend its your birthday . it is my birthday . thats the spirit . now what do you want to do . well , the book festival starts today  anything at all . you name it . what do you want to do . stupid lisa . hear ye . hear ye . one dollar off on all poetry books . all right . their hands were everywhere . hello , simpsons . care to try a sample from my new cookbook  someones in the kitchen with jesus . mmm . these stigmuffins are to die for . oh , if you like that , you should try mary magdalenes chocolate orgasm . oh , okay . mmm . so , mr . king , what tale of horror and the macabre are you working on now . oh , i dont feel like writing horror right now . oh , thats too bad . im working on a biography of benjamin franklin . hes a fascinating man . he discovered electricity and used it to torture small animals and green mountain men . and that key he tied to the end of a kite . it opened the gates of hell . well , let me know when you get back to horror . will do . hey , with my info cram you can absorb books instantly by attaching this electrode to the brainpan and this one to the loins . tolstoy searing brain  with my diet , you can eat all you want anytime you want . and you lose weight . uh , you might . its a free country . finally , books for todays busy idiot . network programming for dummies . christianity for dummies . mo  moby dick . call me ishmael , dummy . how did you write all these books . duh , i dont know . me gotta go to bank now . look , maggie , christopher walkens reading goodnight moon . good night , room . good night , moon . good night , cow jumping over the moon . please , children , scooch closer . dont make me tell you again about the scooching . you in the red , chop chop . hmm . eh . all right , does anyone have a question for our panel thats not about how much money they make . uh , yeah . im a techno thriller junkie , and id like to know is the b  bomber more detectable when it rains . oh . what do you think , tom clancy . well , the b  no , . i was asking maya angelou . the ebony fighter awakens dappled with the dewy beads of morn . maya angelou is black . it is a mach five child forever bound to suckle from the shriveled breast of congress . oh , maya , youre a national treasure . ms . tan , i loved thejoy luck club . it really showed me how the mother daughter bond can triumph over adversity . no . thats not what i meant at all . you couldnt have gotten it more wrong . but  please , just sit down . im embarrassed for both of us . mmm . ew . book writing , what a scam , huh . its only pages long , and this guy wrote it for me . whats your name again . john updike . whoa , . i didnt ask for your life story . so you really know krusty . whats he like . oh , hes wonderful . he would do anything for his fans . hurry up , kid . name . hey , its me , bart . your biggest fan . hey , good for you , cause i wanna uh , know that all my fans are , you know  k the c . hey , this pens gotta last me all day . now if you could bup , yeah . name . my name is sophie . hey , good luck with that . im your daughter . what . i finally found my daddy . ohh . i think i just seltzered myself . shut up , updike . listen , honey , a lot of kids think of me as their daddy . but im just a simple tv legend . here , have a key chain . no . im sure youre my father . you met my mom during the gulf war . ohh . was your mother an israeli flight attendant . no . cokie roberts . no , she was a soldier . chestnut brown hair , kind of shy , oh . oh , boy . now its coming back to me . saddam hussein . they should call him so damn . hey . youre just fanning the flames of hatred . yeah , . now just when you thought the desert couldnt get any hotter its the cincinnati bengals cheerleaders . hey , i cant look at that . i have a girlfriend back home . this is an insult to our muslim hosts . during the show , a desert wind kicked up . i sought shelter in a nearby tent . huh . ohh . there was your mother looking like a beautiful mirage . maybe it was the anthrax in the air . maybe it was the fact the arab women werent bitin . whatever it was , it was magic . we slept late into the morning . and then  my god . im late for my mission . heres your mission . get down with the clown . oh , come on , baby . no , not now . im supposed to assassinate saddam . wait a minute . you cant kill saddam . hes half my act . no , stop . no . no . i just saved my baseball bit . who say on first , lya toll on second and  aah . stupid clown . when i came to , she was gone , and the war had been over for eight months . anyway , howd you finally find me . all mom ever said was my father was some pathetic clown . so i typed pathetic clown into a search engine and your name popped right up . its mom . hey , how you been . remember me . you better get going . it was nice meeting you . thanks for coming out . but i was hoping maybe we could do some stuff together , like go to the beach and junk . look , youre a sweet kid . but im not exactly father material . i curse , i gamble , i pick fights with homeless people , l  whats wrong with your eyes . you need a claritin or something . oh , all right . you get one trip to the beach with my assistant . mmm . okay , ill take you . yea . dear lord , bless this humble meal . and did you hear about krusty . whoo , man . i mean , i knew he was a player , but geez , a kid . homer , thats not a prayer . thats gossip . fine . ill just discuss heavenly matters . so hows maude flanders doing up there . she playin the field . oh . yeah , really . all those guys . amen . okay , kid , theres the water . knock yourself out . come on , dad . lets go bodysurfing or boogie boarding . listen , kid , im not the kind of dad who , you know , does things or says stuff , or looks at you , but the love is there . where are you . give daddy a clue . aw , thats my girl . okay , you just sit there and ill throw the frisbee to you . ohh . i gotta sit up now . ohh . what am i , baryshnikov . ohh . hey , you beat me . what a great day weve had , huh . you know , for a clown , youre not really a lot of fun . ohh . boy , fatherhood is one tough gig . i dont get how other guys do it . ready , switch . hey , uh , careful , boys . that arch is looking a little romanesque . sorry , daddy . how should i punish myself . no , son . you let em finish , then you smash it . thats a good boy . mush , homer . mush . catch , dad . catch . okay , that stings daddys eyes , honey . hmm . i think i found my mentor . heads up . you know , homer , ive spent my whole life entertaining kids . but i just realized i dont know the first thing about em . well , i wont lie . fatherhood isnt easy  like motherhood  but i wouldnt trade it for anything . except for some mag wheels . oh , man . that would be sweet . dad . dad . just a second , honey . daddys on his high horse . dad . yeah , im watching , honey . nice cannonball . anyhoo , the key to fathering is dont overthink , because overthinking is , um  what were we talking about . oh , a clown . well , i like that girl shes the cutest little thing i know plus , she likes me back and all mine from head to toe yeah , she never makes me wonder when it comes to that well , my heads in a whirl because i like that girl at a beauty contest shes the kindjust couldnt lose she aint lost one yet kid , i gotta admit . youre starting to grow on me . same here , dad . its nice that you dont always have to be on . i thought i was on . when was i off . that bit about the tide pool . i tell ya , it killed at jacques cousteaus funeral . dad , relax . just enjoy the sunset . hey , i know that song . my dad used to play that when i was a boy . its beautiful . do you play . no . i guess musical talent skips a generation , like diabetes . you might want to watch out for that too . mom , i had the best time . can dad come in for milk and cookies . why id love to  ohh . oskar homolka . thats okay . i think ill go somewhere friendlier , like beautiful downtown grozny . zoom . my little girls sharp as a tack . i tried the got your nose bit on her , didnt fool her for a second . my uncle still has my nose . hmm . ohh , . oh , what a  ha , lousy hand . ill stand . i raise two gs . im out . fold o . can we make this hand high low . no . i fold . krusty , are you in or are you out . oh , man . im totally tapped . would you consider taking my rolex . you mean this one . oh , yeah . right . just let me go to my car . a weema way a weema way a weema way a weema way, , a weem  dont do that . hmm . lets see , a sweater a custom floor mat  the stereo . theft alert . deploy air bag . yaah . best hand of my life and i cant even  huh . sophies violin . oh , no , i couldnt . do it , do it do it , do it shell never know ahh . hmm . well , it wont bring much cash , but its sentimental values through the roof . it is acceptable . then im in and i call . four aces . read em and  straight flush . oh , no . oh , no . you cant . my daughter will never forgive me . oh , wait . now i can do it for real . hey . hey , dad . hey , . now look , sophie , i know you think your daddys perfect . no , i dont . but i did a bad thing . i lost your violin in a poker game . you what . but dont worry . i got you an even better one . this is a ukulele . yeah , the thinking mans violin . check it out . i want to go back to my little grass shack in kealakekua , hawaii i want my violin . but honey , l  i cant believe you would gamble with something that meant so much to me . wait . time out . four aces is not a gamble . mom was right . i was better off not knowing you . word on the street is you dumped dawson . hes history , jenda . wait till he sees me with that new exchange student . hola , harmony . que es el dilly yo . im all for ethnic diversity , but this is just pandering . maybe so . but dawsons gonna be bummed . you gotta help me . my daughter found out im a jerk . oh , krusty . im sure she just needs time to get used to you . marge , may i play devils advocate for a moment . sure , go ahead . come on . get  in there . doh . stupid game . now what were we talking about . my daughters violin . oh , right . why dont we just break into fat tonys compound and get it back . really . youd help me take on the mob . for a casual acquaintance like you . absolutely . its some kind of mafia summit . every mob family in the countrys here . the cuomos , the travoltas , the lasordas , the boyardees . this is perfect . if i know fat tony , which i dont hell be distracted by his hosting duties . come on . idiots . hey , i heard theres a lunar eclipse tonight . maybe we should look up . nah . for me its solar or nothin . welcome to my home . to answer your first question , yes , we do have pasta . hey , all right . i love pasta . thats good . if you need money laundered , just set it outside your door . you can pick it up in the morning . oh , hey . beautiful . now some unpleasant news . i have learned that someone in this room is a squealer . weve narrowed it down to either johnny tightlips or frankie the squealer . okay , its me . i cant help it . i just like squealin . it makes me feel big . all right , come on . youre history . the violins gotta be around here somewhere . had enough , squealer . did you know fat tonys real name is marion . you just dont get it , do ya . bingo . doh . doh . oh , its gonna take forever to go through all of these . i have a plan . well , that didnt work . hey , legs . lets gojump on tonys bed . sure . uh oh . we gotta get outta here . just take em all . then its decided . our web site name will be crime . org . i think were in the clear . homer , i got it . johnny tightlips , whered they hit you . i aint sayin nothin . but what do i tell the doctor . tell him to suck a lemon . hey . you did it . you got it back . thanks , dad . dad . that still sounds weird to me . but im glad were friends again . and youve lined the case with money . huh . small bills , unmarked and nonsequential . holy samolians . there must be five grand in there . oh , which i intentionally put in there for you . hey , you lucky little hamantaschen , you . come on . how about a tune for the old man . thats him . thats the one . homer simpson . i said i was sorry . all right . fair enough . class act . sorry youre such jerks . ha , . ow . ow . that bullet went in . just like cinderella the prince solved the mystery well , i conducted the test myself and that slip looks just the right size for me well , i like that girl shes the cutest little thing i know plus , she likes me back and all mine from head to toe yeah , she never makes me wonder when it comes to that well , my heads in a whirl because i like that girl shh . shut up , updike . springfield . five , four , three , two , one . well , thats all the time we have . so long , kids . krusty the clown is brought to you by the new gamestation . its slightly faster to the max .  . and im stuck with this useless . dont destroy me . i can still make you happy to the max . heres a headline forjay . ketchup truck hits hamburger stand . mom , can i have bucks for a gamestation . thats less than a dollar a k . oh , i might be able to help you  with a song about thrift . when you get a penny from a chum dont just buy some bubble gum put it in your cap , put it in your cap when you find a nickel in the snow dont just blow it on a picture show put it in your cap , put it in your cap i dont have a cap . when you spy a quarter in a pie  you want money . get a job like your old man . well , maybe i should . so now youre smarter than your old man , huh . i guess . i like your attitude . take what you need . nice days work , kid . this is for you . youre paying me in hair . are you insane . man , i need a job . you need job . i have job for you . you take these . you hang thai menu on door . i get more business . send daughters to small liberal arts college  swarthmore , maybe sarah lawrence . call professors by first name . hah . dynamite . hang em on the door . got it . hey , . no menus  or ill cut you like a box along the flaps . you quitter . quitter boy . quitter boy . im sorry . now restaurant fail children go to state college . serious students powerless against drunken jockocracy . baseball hats everywhere . hey , man , this job is too dangerous . menu boy no be coward like shrimp . menu boy be brave like prawn . menu boy must move silently like ghost . leave no footprint , only lunch specials . hai . hmm . well , i never . ah . what a waste . there you go , little fish . ohh . bart , do you know how many trees died to make those menus . i dont know . a million . youre ruining the earth . true , but i gots to get paid . money was funny , sister . oh , betty . bart , its so sweet of you to take the family out to krusty burger . hey , some people in this family are doers , and some are dont ers . dont you call me a  ugh . take that , lisas beliefs . oh , how cute . kids , look whos on the roof . i knew this day would come . the cows are taking back whats theirs . no . i think theyre protestors . hey , there are cows on the roof . i thought my pager was busted . get back in . its only funny with a small car . take down the clown . take down the clown . listen , im on your side . lets get a dialogue going . take out the mother cow . the rest will follow . your corporation cuts down the rain forest to create grazing land for cattle . oh , for the love of  gimme that . no , you cant . dont worry , honey . theyre just firing beanbags . ow . hey , watch it . you cant silence the truth with beanbags . thats nice work with the bag zooka . gotta love what you do , chief . mmm , . are you all right . ive had worse . in new orleans , they hosed us with tabasco . oh , youre so heroic . all right , cow boy . ill see you in moo nicipal court . good one , chief . what . whatd i say . i cant believe how young he is . hed be cute ifhe werent so idealistic . mmm . look , marge . im in a limo . the simpsons are goin to paris . the eco radical group dirt first staged a daring protest today at krusty burger . krusty the clown has issued the following statement . this i dont need . the group is led by teenage activistjesse grass a dreadlocked dreamboat whose birken stock is on the rise . boring . ah , the luftwaffe  the washington generals of the history channel . dad , change it back . yeah . that was the boy lisa likes . no , i dont . lisa and jesse sitting in a tree k l shut up . first comes love , then comes  um  damn it , i know this . id like to visit a prisoner . yeah , sure . arent you coming with me . hey , i get enough flaming toilet paper thrown on me at home . fire in the hole . jesse . you do yoga . yeah , but i started before it was cool . my names lisa simpson . i think your protest was incredibly brave . thank you . this planet needs every friend it can get . oh , the earth is the best . thats why im a vegetarian . well , thats a start . well , um , i was thinking of going vegan . im a level five vegan . i wont eat anything that casts a shadow . wow . um  i started an organic compost pile at home . only at home . you mean you dont pocket mulch . oh , its so decomposed . do you think i could join dirt first . well , we might have an opening at the poseur level . oh , thank you , thank you . have a good time at your hippie club . youre welcome to come too . no . i like to save the environment my own way . mmm doughnuts . i am happy to report weve succeeded in blocking the st . patricks day parade which , every year , steps on several lizards . right on . yeah . dont celebrate yet . the mayor had a secret tree auction last night . what am i bid for the logging rights to springfields oldest redwood tree . to make cages for animal experimentation . daughter on wait list at bennington . to make the worlds first drive through humidor . sold to the rich texan . yee haw . whoo , doggies . thanks to caleb for the tape . howd you sneak that camera in . i got my ways . they cant cut down that sequoia if one of us is living in it . any volunteers . ill do it . i am so there . oh , me , . whoa . hold on . once youre up there , you cant come down  not for a phish concert , not even for burning man . well , someone will hear the call and whoever does will have a place in my heart . mm hmm . sheesh . look at these refugees . how about a smile . theyve undergone terrible hardships . well , moping wont make it better . mom , dad , theres something i have to do . youre not gonna like it , but i really believe its the right thing . marge , shes gonna narc on our stash . we dont have a stash . no . of course not . wow . oh , i didnt think it would be so high . maybe i could just circulate a petition . oh , ill show you . well , this looks like a good place to set up camp . wow . what a view . gentlemen , start your chain saws . not so fast . now , you come down from there , missy . i wont come down till you spare this tree . hang in there , laura . its lisa . right . lisa . youre hard core . oh , he said i was hard core . oh whoa . oh , no . my babys up there . its okay , mom . i have a safety line . this is your fault , with your nonthreatening , bobby sherman style good looks . no girl could resist your charms . this was her choice , mr . simpson . im sorry . i wasnt listening . i was lost in your eyes . all right . a care bucket . hot thai soup . oh , bart . dear lisa , you rock . mom is calling rescue agencies dad is building a giant ladder but it is of poor quality . we miss you . bart . aww . its day four for springfields lilest tree hugger . excuse me . thats littlest tree hugger . and whether you love or hate her politics youve gotta go gawk at this crazy idiot . oh . oh , . the familys just sitting down to dinner . aww . you call that saying grace . oh , now theyre making popcorn and hanging christmas stockings . and coloring easter eggs . oh , i cant take it . would it be so bad if i just went home for an hour . whoa . dont worry . ill be right back . ew . someones been marking their territory . hey , everybody . l  aww . ill just rest here for a minute . ahh . oh , its morning . i gotta get back . oh . oh , no . oh , mom , those loggers chopped down the tree . why did i have to leave my post . now , honey , lets turn on the news and forget our troubles . springfields oldest resident has died . no , it wasnt mr . burns . it was this majestic old redwood which was brutally cut down last night  not by loggers , but by lightning  . oh . at least it wasnt my fault . lightning attracted by this metal bucket . still unknown is the fate of tree sitter lisa simpson . im afraid it doesnt look good , kent . we found her sleeping bag right here . our working theory is that the lightning exploded her . back to you , kent . you dont get to say that . good bye, , lisa . well miss you . oh , no . lisas gone . and nothing will bring her back . unless  dad , im not dead . oh , praise god . youre alive . unless  oh , my . they made you a shrine . i loved lisa simpson  loved her like a shrub . and i would give anything to see her sweet face again . oh . but in death , she will do more for our cause than she ever could have done in life . uh huh . in texas , we do tragedy right . thats why in memory of that poor little girl im turning this entire forest into the lisa simpson wilderness preserve . we won , lisa . we finally won . this is for you . he cut off his favorite dread . we have to tell them youre not dead . no , mom . its a memorial forest now . if im alive , theyll cut it down . you are not pretending to be dead , young lady . this family has had nothing but bad luck when it comes to farce . homer , its neddie . i baked you a little something to ease the pain . oh . must hide lisa . come in . so , bart , our school policy is to give students in your situation straight as . get out . whats the catch . the tragic loss of your sister . ah , yes . ghastly business , that . grieving father comin through . homer , uh , booze is on the house seeing as how lisa is , um  oh , how do i put this . ridin the midnight train to slab city . thanks for the beer , moe . but before lisa died , she made this tape that i think you should hear . dear moe , if anything should ever happen to me i want you to tear up my dads tab and pour cocktail onions  dad , i cant . read it . pour cocktail onions down your pants . well , i aint never said no to a dead girl yet . and now , branford marsalis will play using lisas very own saxophone . dont touch it . they can clone her from the spit . good luck , milhouse . and finally , an exciting announcement from our good friends at omni pave . folks , last night the dear departed lisa came to me in a dream and she told me her fondest wish was that this forest would become the worlds rootinest , tootinest , pollutinest amusement park . it was lisas dream . you promised us a nature preserve . now , dont you fret . were sensitive to all your eco concerns . thats it , boys . the gift shop will go right there . yee haw . cut it down . no . wha  a g g . im not dead and neither is my sense of moral outrage . oh , here we go . sir , have you no shame . clearly , i dont . now get your heinie off of lisa land . a redwood is not a promotional tool . good lord . hes cutting the guy wires . nice work , tree . now return to me . i dont get it . what . oh , right  i dont have super powers just yet . sweet . its headed for the business district . not my company . no . it was finger ling ling good . whoa . no . yee haw . score one for the bad guys . hey , lisa . aw , jesse , they locked you up again . yeah , but im still fighting for the earth . i even got em to install a solar powered electric chair . dude , weve been here all morning . could you at least re moisten my head sponge . well , ill write you letters  on rice paper with a soy pencil . aw , youre sweet . did they ever stop that log . not yet . whats up with that . this log is your log this log is my log when lightning struck it it kicked the bucket i poured some onions inside my trousers this log , it used to be a tree now it spreads love to you and me hey , look its heading out to sea shh . springfield . dignity the simpsons se episode script homer vs . dignity the simpsons doh . whee . whoo hoo . ya haa . yee  oh . doh . happy first a bart simpson happy first a to you hey . yes . thank you . thank you . now that our son is an honor student im going to get one of those bumper stickers that informs strangers of that fact . just a cotton pickin minute . ive been getting as since gymboree . what do you want . a medal . you gave bart one . love you . an a in astronomy . howd you do it . i just buckled down and studied . no , really . well it all started last week in krabappels class . i was trying to breed the hamster with the lizard to create an unholy supercreature when i saw an even worse crime against nature . ah , head lice inspection day . while the kids are out getting their nits picked , we can have our own private cootie call . oh , you talk too much . lets do it on martins desk . it is usually the cleanest . oh . i needed to get my mind on something else . anything else . and for the first time in my life , education was the answer . mercury , venus , earth , mars  come on , edna . dont be tardy . mercury , venus , earth , mars , jupiter , saturn , uranus , neptune , pluto . so when i took the test , the answers were stuck in my brain . it was like a whole different kind of cheating . well , we couldnt be prouder . excuse me , sir . your credit card has been rejected . deadbeat . deadbeat . deadbeat . oh , how embarrassing . well , let me just give you one of my many other valid  run . theyre getting away stop them , mary kay okay . so we cant pay for your precious food . what are you gonna do about it . ba la bamba ba la bamba can we go now . no , . your playing , while technically proficient , lacks passion . fine . you want passion . ill give you passion . blue spanish eyes teardrops are falling from your spanish eyes when did this happen . when did we become the bottom rung of society . i think it was when that cold snap killed off all the hoboes . dad , what happened to the backseat . i had to sell it for gas money . which i spent on a novelty horn . maybe we should talk to a financial planner . financial panther , eh . mr . simpson , youre a dollar overdrawn . get him , sheba . im on board . you havent set aside anything for the future . you know how it is with cops . ill get shot three days before retirement . in the business we call it retirony . what if you dont get shot . what a terrible thing to say . now , look . you made my wife cry . well , i see you have several mortgages credit card debt , no savings , and youre supporting your father . just give the word , and ill cut him off . i couldnt ask you to do that . consider it done . based on these figures im afraid youll need to declare bankruptcy several times . just look at this projection . marge , your posture looks terrible . whats interesting is youll continue losing money even after youre dead . your grave sites will go untended and vandalized . ha ha . mr . simpson , your intelligence profile indicates that youre too stupid to stick to a budget . yes . go on . so , let me put this simply . you need more money . but how do i get it . im a financial planner , not a financial consultant . sorry . now id like my fee , please . i know youre not a deaf mute, , mr . simpson . weve been talking for the last minutes . aaah . sir , i have a small personal request . oh , of course , smithers . anything . i disabled the button , sir . anyway , i need some time off . as you know , ive been writing a musical about the malibu stacy doll . a show about a doll . why not write a musical about the common cat or the king of siam . give it up , smithers . actually , sir , weve been booked into a small theater in new mexico . whoa . whoa . slow down there , maestro . theres a new mexico . yes . i want to go there and make my dream come true . ill just be gone for a week . oh , fine . i can amuse myself . curses . its jammed . hi larious . well , with the old ball and chain gone , maybe i can finally have a little fun at the office . ah . a candy shop . yes . ill take two pounds of bristols toffee . oh , and dont wrap it too tightly . im hungry now . youve made a powerful enemy today , my friend . wow . i never seen you have so many lunch beers before , homer . oh , i concur . word a calendar . im just trying to work up the courage to ask burns for a raise . or a highly paid internship . something to solve my money woes . hmm . this must be some sort of cafetorium . heres your chance , homer . mr . burns just entered the room . hmm . what is this . some kind of force field around these vegetables . thats the sneeze guard . you have to lean under it to get salad or sneeze on stuff . ah . everythings so green and alive . mr . burns , i was wondering if i could get a raise . what kind of a raise . whopping . i see . you have seconds to wow me . well , sir you see , sir , ive worked here a long time and my wife has a game leg . and my kids have game things as well . i dont want to hear your whining . im a bored and joyless old man . give me a larf . a larf . okay . lets see whats in the news today . oh , for the love of  hurl this at that . at lenny . but hes a war hero . well , lets decorate him then . no . not even for four dollars . ow . my eye . im not supposed to get pudding in it . that was capital . my lung is aching . i liked when i threw the pudding . do it again . ill make it an even eight . youre the boss . ow . im in hell . lets keep the laughs coming , eh , simpson . what say i make you my executive in charge of recreation . no . no . better yet , my prank monkey . will you keep giving me money . i cant have my little monkey running around in rags . whoo hoo . hey . what are you doing , man . thats carl . let me help you . there . mr . burns all right , prank monkey . lets make mischief . ninety eight one hundred . oh , if only the real chicks went down this easy . look at that comic book fellow calmly eating candy like a spaniard . time for monkey to shine . id like to buy a mint condition spider man number one , please . and id like an hour on the holodeck with seven of nine . oh . saturns rings . let me get that for you . paper bag or triple mylar . uh , no , thanks . ill just eat it here . oh . no . what are you doing . good , fair , poor . ah , that was uproarious . first rate job , monkey . do i get paid now . oh , where are my manners . there . doh . youre so much more fun than smithers . why , he doesnt know the meaning of the word gay . sold separately sometimes i feel like ive been sold separately but out of the box i find you poseable lovable just like me this is better than a movie why . okay , now . little help . little help , please . i made a boom boom . oh , gross . not where i pee . get that out of here . the line in the ladies room is far too long . i hope you dont mind  oh . baby made a boom boom . oh , good heavens . oh . here you go , monkey . ow . there . thats six years worth of inoculations . here you are , my good man . and while youre at it , throw in one of those polio shots . oh , yes , sir . ah anti . homie , where did you get that ball of money . ive been doing some outside projects for mr . burns . really . like what . ah , you know . business stuff . uh , downsizing e solutions, , the glass ceiling . hmm . well , im proud of you . mmm . youre such a good provider . kids , come on . thank your father for the injections . thank you , dad . hey , dad . can i have some money for a panda cone . gah . what do you do with the i send your mother every month . weekday dad wanted a dvd player . look at their proud , hopeful faces . wait till they see that their rare chinese panda is nothing but a fat guy in a suit . why do i have to do the lindy hop . oh , thats the heart of the bit . now , courtesy of an anonymous donor , please welcome our new panda , sim . yea . dont be shy . that a . oh , i think shes getting ready to  yeah . shes doing the lindy hop . thats it . twenty three skiddoo , skiddoo . well , it looks like sim is a little frisky today . so our trainers are gonna calm her down . huh . ow . aaah . dont worry , folks . because of their thick , hides pandas only feel the slightest tickle from these powerful electric shocks . ow . ohh . shes saying i love you . yea . cant take the pain . ow . yea . sim likes to boogie . somethings wrong  terribly wrong . hey , theres our resident bull panda , ping . with any luck , folks , these two will become very , close , if you know what i mean . huh . help . mr . burns . aaah . oh , look . shes presenting . we thought this would take years to happen . ping just asked sim to marry him and i think she just said yes . aw . ha . you aint goin nowhere , cutie . am i glad to see you guys . you gotta call  dad . the panda was you . did you see daddy dance . they all saw me dance . oh , dad . so this is your mysterious new job for mr . burns . yes . i humiliate myself for fistfuls of cash . oh , dad , you have to stop . i know . well done , monkey . that other panda gave some unexpected zazz to the festivities , eh . maybe for you . how come you didnt rescue me . too busy trying to keep my sides from splitting . its happened before . monty say , monkey do . what could be better . well , you could treat me with a little respect . oh , shut up , you tub of guts . see . thats what im saying . well , a little do re will smooth this over . he doesnt want your dirty money . oh , come now . everyone has his price . not my dad . shh , . the grown ups are talking , honey . dad , how can you put a price on your dignity . shes right . yes , i may be naked and reeking of panda love but ive got to stop this before it goes too far . take that back for . i retract my statement . ha . dad . i mean , screw you . well , . it looks like my monkey has evolved into a man . a poor man . wha  oh , why did he have to say that extra thing . forget about him , dad . im proud of you . aw , thank you , sweetheart . but what should i do with all this dirty , ill gotten money . i better throw it in the garbage . well , theres lots of needy kids out there . i see what youre saying . i need to buy a gun . no , dad . you could really brighten the holidays for those less fortunate . yeah , right . its time to rebuild my self esteem . hey , what happened to  oh , good lord . what a week . excuse me , sir . yes . id like to buy all these toys for some needy children . is this enough dirty , money . why , it most certainly is . mr . costington , something quite wonderful has happened . uh , no . uh , no . uh , yes . why , i dont think ive ever seen such generosity . youre a modern day kriss kringle , sir . im just trying to dig myself out of a pit of shame . say no more . ive had a bit of a shoe sniffing problem myself . im still not allowed on the third floor . its okay . mr . simpson , i just had a crazy thought . we do a little thanksgiving day parade around here and youre about the right build for a little fella they call kriss kringle . hold still . im so proud . my dad will be the grand finale of the thanksgiving day parade . wanna rehearse , dad . i dont need to rehearse . ho , . merry  line . christmas . wha  let me see that . well , looks like another beautiful thanks to global warming . isnt that right , leeza gibbons . thats right , kent brockman . our broadcast is brought to you today by costingtons department store the thing downtown thats open right next to the mens shelter . rusty the clown . ah , springfield gets the lamest balloons . are you kidding . theres funky winkerbean . over here , funky . look , its the noid . avoid the noid . he ruins pizzas . hey , lady . santa claus is gonna be here , right . he just has to . something tells me he is . dont touch me . nothing gives you that right . say , leeza . do you like gingerbread . no , not really . well , then youll love this next float . its an all gingerbread desk set . yea . ho , . merry everyone . ahoy hoy , st . nick . pranksgiving . uh oh . prepare to be boarded . what are you doing here . i told you . im not your monkey anymore . silence , monkey . now that youre father christmas we have an opportunity to bend this town over our knee and give it a pranking it will never forget . heres what we do . heres a float saluting the native americans , who taught us how to celebrate thanksgiving . interesting sidenote on this float the papier mch is composed entirely ofbroken treaties . theyre good sports . the answer is no , mr . burns . not for any amount of money . not for one million dollars . oh , so much money . but santa cant be evil . but its so much money . and heres the float everyones been waiting for . yes . whether youre christian or just non jewish, , everybody loves santa claus . oh , he was supposed to be throwing out toys but he seems to be hurling some sort of candy treats , leeza . wait a minute , kent . that is not candy . thats fish guts . theres santa . over here , santa . what did i do . ah , the doctor said i could take this patch off five minutes a day . hey , thats just enough time to see santy claus . oh . why , santa . why . oh , no . here come the gulls . nice birdie . nice birdie . no . not so nice . ow . oh , dad . you sold your soul . not yet , honey . dad . but if youre here , whos that on the float . ho , . merry fishmas . whats going on . lets just say lisa gave me an early christmas present the gift of dignity . shh . baby made a boom boom . springfield . hey , open up . ive been standing here all morning . hey , homer . what are you doing at work . the plants closed for fumigation . uh oh . no one told me the plant was closed . didnt you get the e mail . whats an e mail . its a computer thing  like an electric letter . or a quiet phone call . i dont have a computer . too bad . thats why youre at work while were living it up on our day off . hey , carl , turn up the car radio . why not . anything goes today . that does it . im getting a computer  as soon as somebody lets me out of here . oh . im so stupid . uh , i guess ill take that one . hmm . well , do you need a paperweight . because if you buy that machine , thats all youre gonna have , is an expensive paperweight . well , a paperweight would be nice , but what i really need is a computer . how about that one . mm hmm . that technology is three months old . only suckers buy out of machines . uh , youre not a sucker , are you , sir . heavens , no . oh , good . because if you were , id have to ask you to leave the store . i just need something to receive e mail . youll need a top of machine for that . thats the same computer astronauts use to do their taxes . i was an astronaut . of course you were . hmm . five thousand dollars . you only have seconds to decide , sir . this is the best computer in the world and always will be , right . absolutely . just run the deed to your house through here . you are on your  fifth . mortgage . hey , lisa , check out my new computer . dad , you shouldnt drag that around . thats right . top of the line . stupid pothole . dont worry , head . the computer will do our thinking now . oh , yeah . perfect . now , then  computer , kill flanders . did i hear my name . my ears are burning . good start . now finish the job . oh , youre busy . catch you later , computator . oh , for a computer , and it cant handle a simple assignment . dad , ill set up your computer . why dont you and bart go play in the backyard . youre it . hey . why , you little  okay , youre ready to go . ive written down the basic commands so that anyone can understand them . hmm . homer , bring that back in the house . fine . oh , a dancing jesus . if theres a better use for the internet , i havent found it . if youve committed a crime and you want to confess , click yes . otherwise click no . you have chosen no , meaning youve committed a crime but dont want to confess . a paddy wagon is now speeding to your home . hey . while you wait , why not buy a police cap or t shirt . you have the right to remain fabulous . here it is , everybody  the worlds greatest web site . hello . hello . hello . youd think all the noises would be annoying , but theyre not . i got suspended from school today . no kiddin . what do you think of my page , lisa . be honest . its great , isnt it . go ahead and say its great if you want to . they found a switchblade in my locker . well , a web page is supposed to be a personal thing . youve just stolen copyrighted material from everyone else . they could sue you for that . i took a swing at a cop . they cant sue me if they dont know who i am . ill just call myselfmr . x . im just mad all the time . yep , you cant go wrong with mr . x . mom wants you to come to bed . i cant . my web page hasnt gotten a single hit . come on . you have to offer people something  ajoke , an opinion , an idea . that lousy pothole . why dont they fix it . i heard mayor quimby spent the street repair fund on a secret swimming pool for himself . get out . who told you that . nelson . hmm . thats the kind of dirt that belongs on my web page . you cant post that on the internet . you dont know if its true . nelson has never steered me wrong , honey . nelson is gold . you know , it might have been jimbo . beautiful . we have confirmation . hmm . lets see here . x rated girls already book marked . dial x for sex . mr . x . hmm . shall i cross the final frontier . whats this . stolen funds . pothole money used for swimming pool . theres no emoticon for what im feeling . our mayor is corrupt . well , mr . x has done this town a great service  despite his poor grammar and spelling . seymour . are you looking at naked ladies . no , mother . you sissy . whats all this about a secret swimming pool . what secret swimming pool is that . hey , lets look behind that door . aaah . uh , dont go in there . oh , thats delicious . can i have more . good lord . weve discovered the ruins of an ancient city . okay , you do better . i did it . i changed the world . now i know exactly how god feels . do you want turkey sausage or ham . bring me two of every animal . a new internet watchdog is creating a stir in springfield . mr . x , if that is his real name , has come up with a sensational scoop . darn tootin . but we must never forget that the real news is on local tv delivered by real , officially licensed newsmen like me , kent brockman . coming up how do they get those dogs to talk on the beer commercials . cowboy steve will tell you . im happy you got the potholes filled but its still irresponsible to present rumors as facts . maybe you should quit while youre ahead . no way . mr . x is gonna keep on diggin and probin until every person in this town is in jail . aaah . a coconut bagel . like poison it tastes . all right , ill tell you a secret . my bagels are nothing but week old doughnuts . oh , who am i to point the finger . i once ran over a guy in a parking lot and dumped the body on a golf course . what a bombshell . in the interest of public safety we have confiscated every doughnut bagel , cruller and bear claw in the city  and some coffee . this morning mr . x reported that your own department  i know , i know . but i assure you , the police do not take prisoners out of their cells and race them anymore . what about using the electric chair to cook chicken . yeah , all right , this press conference is over . no , wait . i have  no , its over , phil . but police chief wig  its over . according to my uncle miss springfield isnt as beautiful as she seems . word is , she uses appearance altering cosmetics . oh , my god . thats shocking . i dont believe that . the public should be warned . i wish mr . x were here . oh , i dont know , carl . he might be closer than you think . are you him . are you mr . x . no . but you talked in that real sly voice . hey , everybody . homers mr . x . i am not . or am i . are you . no . well , if mr . x were here right now , id buy him a tall frosty . hey , moe , can you keep a secret . no . not even a little one . no . what if i just whisper it . no , i tells ya . ive been sittin on the toilet all the livelong day is everything ready for the secret meeting . yes , sir . i hope no one finds out about this . its pure journalistic dynamite . uh , sir , this place could be bugged . shh . okay , now we can talk . turn it off . journalistic dynamite . then its agreed . ill supply you terrorists with deadly uranium . you are a credit to the great satan . oh , pshaw . mm hmm . mm hmm . mm hmm . i love spying . oh , dont worry about those fumes . theyll be sucked into that air vent . this place is falling apart . and whos selling the uranium to the terrorists . mmm . mm hmm . montgomery burns . now we wait . let go of me . im innocent . whoa , hes in trouble . wed like to award this years pulitzer prize to mr . x . unfortunately , we dont know who he is so his cash award will be used to feed starving children . no . move . move . im mr . x . gimme . gimme . well need some proof . ta da he is mr . x . ha . thank you , folks . and now im off to expose more secret conspiracies and  oh , i bit my tongue . im proud that you won the pulitzer  finally . but i do feel bad about the starving children . theyre with god now . oh , well , thats good . right . hey , guys . hows it going . oh , dont worry about the mr . x thing . im just here for a beer . uh  i dont know if i want you in here no more , homer . i got a lot of secrets id prefer to keep clandestine . uh terrible, , disturbing secrets . so hungry . i smell another pulitzer . well , helen , as it says in the bible  ill tell you later . oh , nobodys visiting my web page anymore . my counter is actually going down . well , you cant post news if you dont have any . thats a great idea . ill make up some news . at least take off your pulitzer prize when you say that . mmm . mm hmm . lets see now . bulletin . new race discovered living six inches under denver . oh , dad . all named morton  or mortinson . this mr . x says spanish and italian are the same language . well , thats surprising . theyre controlling our minds with flu shots . i knew it . well , kids , now arent you glad we dont believe in inoculations . yea . mommy . hey , mr . x , i got a tip for you . in science class theyre dissecting frozen hoboes  and i have the bindles to prove it . real news is great , son but im getting a thousand hits an hour with grade a bull plop . give me a hundred lotto tickets , apu , because mr . x is on a roll . stop it , apu . youre scaring me . aah . aah . whats going on . help . im being kidnapped . hmm . hmm . whoo . ahh . this is not a library . whoo . save me , mr . x . wait . im mr . x . what the  hmm . hmm . what the hell  how did i get here . what is this place . this is the island . how do i get out of here . oh , no one leaves the island . so im a prisoner . how come . because you know something . but i dont know anything  at least i dont think i do . see you tomorrow . no , you wont . hello , operator . id like to report a really weird island . please send lots of rescue copters to  all right , whatever . welcome , friend . im number six . im number . what number are you . i am not a number . i am a man . and dont you ever  oh , wait . im number five . ha , . in your face , number six . yes . well done . who are all these oddballs . well , they keep us here because we know too much . number there knows how to turn water into gasoline . number knows the deadly secret behind tic tacs . and i invented the bottomless peanut bag . wow . so who brought us here . i dont know . did you bring us here . no . dont worry . if even half of your husband is out here , officer scrapsll find him . oh , thats a darling name for a dog . yup . hes on the trail , all right . uh oh . better go fish him out , lou . okay , chief . uh , the shoes are part of the uniform . right , chief . oh , they drugged the tea . they knew my one weakness . hello , number five . hows every little thing . who are you , and why are you holding me here . i want answers now or i want them eventually . fair enough . ill level with you . ow . please , dont do that . sorry . ill be blunt . your web page has stumbled upon our secret plan . thats impossible . all my stories are bull plop . bull plop . dont be cute . im referring to the flu shot expos . you see , were the ones loading them with mind controlling additives . but why . to drive people into a frenzy of shopping . thats why flu shots are given just before christmas . of course . its so simple . wait . no , its not . its needlessly complicated . yes , it is . and we cant have you out there mucking it up , now can we . no , sir . thats a good boy . lets get you some ice cream . there we are . look . you can drug me all you want but my family wont rest until they find my drug bloated corpse . i wouldnt count on that , number five . as far as your family knows , homer simpson is walking in the front door right about now . im sorry . what . homie . marge , honey , fralein , im home . youre not my husband . ja . please forgive my unexplained two week absence . to make it up to you , we will go out to dinner at a sensibly priced restaurant then have a night of efficient german sex . well , i sure dont feel like cooking . arent there any evil movies on . maybe something about an evil island . theres something really different about you , dad . i am a new tie wearing . oh , yeah . im tired of being drugged and gassed . theres gotta be a way to escape . psst . ive worked on this for years . its made out of toilet paper rolls , toothpicks and plastic forks and the sail is made of scabs and dynamite . its small and its smelly , but it should carry both of us to  whoo hoo . that thats the third time thats happened . oh , no . an anti escape orb . huh . that was easy . why did you think a big balloon would stop people . shut up . thats why . oh . what a horrible four months . now to warn everybody . attention some crazy creeps on an island somewhere are secretly running the world . hey . sorry , old chap but youre proving quite the caterpillar in our buttermilk . huh . were shutting you down . not a chance . no one can silence me but me . that arranged can be . wha  aaah . yes . fight and struggle . if i know me , he wont like being kicked in the crotch . gott in himmel . oh , marge . its me , the real homer . oh , homie . mmm , . bravo , number five . but you know what happens to bad little fishies who wriggle through the net . can i turn this off . absolutely . hey . nice to have you back , homer . the dog thinks so too . the dog thinks  bad dog . once you get used to the druggings , this isnt a bad place . oh , its wonderful  truly gods country . see you on the island . yes , the island . shh . springfield . welcome to the magic palace . okay . you can park my car . but no joyriding . mmm . wait a minute . hello , im questo . ill be your waiter and mentalist for this evening . im receiving a drink order . something foamy . is it a b  beer , yes . how did you know . hmm . ahh . and for the lady , a long island iced tea . wow . oh , they oughta call that alarge island iced tea . no , long is better . are you really gonna drink that . well , maybe a sip . i dont want to offend our mentalist . if she doesnt like it , ill just die . mmm . mmm . mom , youre missing a great show . you dont know what im missin . mmm . id like to visit that long island place , if only it were real . now for my next illusion , ill need a volunteer . ill do it . i always end up doing it . hi . im diablo . whats your name . marge . okay , marge . and whos that gentleman youre with . thats no gentleman . thats my husband . wow . mom got a laugh . i wish she drank every day . do we love marge or what . oh , please . i didnt say that for clapping . now , marge , i have a problem . oh , yeah . you see , the emperor of chinas coming over and i dont have enough colorful silks . oh . so what i need of you is  you talk too much . abraca blab . am i right . see , the ladies know what im talking about . ha . ha . tell you what . lets get this ball gag on ya . there we go . and well skip right ahead to the kill o . whoa , baby . dont worry , marge . you wont feel a thing . youll feel four things . hes very good . so she was made of chimps . man , magic can do anything . what happened to mom . im right here . no . no . get off of me . man on p . a . folks , this is not part of the act . please help her . no . get em off me . get em off . get em off . cool gift shop . ages eight to . huh . thats me . dad , will you get me this magic kit . gee , i wish i could , son . but we already left the gift shop . doh . wow . its approved by the royal magic college of hyderabad . thats a party magic college . it is not . yah huh . nuh huh . yah huh . would you cut it out , you two . mommy needs some quiet right now . what the hell is that . it looks like a sturgeon . but where did it come from . hmm . mm hmm . hmm . well , theres your problem . i know that . how much to fix it . oh . well , thats a foreign fish were looking at . so , uh , . plus . oh , i cant afford that . maybe i can make some money , dad . the magic act is really coming along . he couldnt breathe . step right up . see the magic boy . witness mystifying feats that will leave you scratching your head until its raw and bloody . mmm . look . oh , my goodness . come on . pony up , flanders . the kids not turning tricks for nothin . oh , no . i could never support the black arts . black arts . yeah , you know magic , fortune telling , oriental cooking . hey , you guys . youre in our spot . what . oh , okay , well move . we dont want any trouble , fellas . dad , only one of them is real . i know , but which one . ohh . sixty cents . i would have made more if i had gone into work today . hey , dont blame me . i gotta compete with tv and the internet . a good son would come through for his dad . yeah . and a good dad wouldnt miss his sons little league games . i told you . lfind them boring . well , i showed up for all your stupid interventions . oh , thats it . you can walk home . dad , come back . ohh . i cant walk home with all this stuff . ohh . poor boy . heres some money for bus fare . my father was a monster too . hmm . come on , brothers . dig deep . stupid non magical son cant pay to fix my car . hey , homer . check it out . what the  is that a steak . yeah . i know a little place . who gave you all this money . mmm , people . i guess they thought i was a charity case . really . hey , maybe we could do that again . can you look even more pathetic . oh , thats beautiful . we could make a fortune . but wouldnt that make us con artists . well , yeah . but god conned me out of so , in a way , wed just be balancing out the universe . there you go . wed be stealing from people we know . its just like the seasons . sounds good . you want to eat my fat . i think you know the answer to that . this book has all the classic cons . theres the pigeon drop , the ear wigger , the brillstein grab  do they have any father and grifts . well , theres the albany ham scam . interesting . oh , wait . here we go . oh . what are you doing . why are you frosting that old throw pillow . i could ask you the very same question . uh , should i just back out of the room . would you . okay , dad , ready for our first con . you bet . lets trim the mark . nice use of the lingo , homer . kemosabe . ohh . i love you too . good night and have a pleasant tomorrow . oh . oh , excuse me . what happened . wheres my cake . its all right , isnt it . uh  what have you done , you clumsy little ox . that cake was for your deaf sister . sir , it was my fault . no , . dont protect him . youll work off that cake in the acid mines . no . no , . ill pay for the cake . well , youre the mark of integrity . wow . look at all this loot . what should we buy first . a singing rubber fish , of course . there you are . how was the magic act . what in the hell are you talking about . oh , right . the magic . the magic was great . its really the way to go . howd you do your act . you left your magic kit here . or so it would seem . suckers . i dont know , mom . i think theyre up to something . oh , it sure looks that way . but at least bart and homer are spending quality time together . is that a long island iced tea . oh , this . hmm . i think it is . mmm . youre a pretty girl . here , boy . here , doggie . oh , where has my little dog gone . oh , you lost your doggie . yeah . i saw him playing in the water , and then he was gone . he had a bright red leash with bells on it . oh , im sure hes around here somewhere . oh , dear lord . hes the bestest dog ever . hes light brown and he has a spot on him shaped like a heart . sorry , son . but  i just gotta get him back . or if not him , a similar dog . dog for sale . dog for sale . how much for the dog . oh , hes not for sale . oh , well . although , if the right offer came along  heres for the repairs and a little extra for you . hey . thanks , chief . uhh . my bar mitzvah cake . oy . ill never be a man . uhh . dad . yeah , son . why are we still grifting . the cars paid for . doesnt that balance out the universe . in a way . but i also remembered some other stuff . like my bike that was stolen in third grade . plus the baldness . okay . im sold . hello . is the lady of the house in . oh , no . homer , remember . maudie got called up to heaven . oh . of course . of course . its just that  what . well , before she died , she ordered this bible especially for you . why , theres my name , in gold . now you werent home , so we had to pay the delivery man . well , ill just reimburse you right  wait a minute . this seems an awful lot like that movie paper moon . run , dad . okay . well be safe in here . that was too close . maybe its time to quit the game . amateurs . huh . dad . thats right . you dont smoke a pipe . thats right . howd you get wise to us . are you kiddin . they used to call me grifty mcgrift . i wrote the book on flimflammin . wow . he did . yeah . in the depression , you had to grift . either that or work . so whats the pitch , old man . team up with me , boys and well go for the biggest honey pot ofem all . oh , my god . i dont know . fleecin old people . oh , why not . if we dont take their money , theyll just give it to some televangelist . lets dust a few fossils . now this scam was in the sting , part two , so nobody knows about it . now as i recall , jackie gleason  which one of you youngsters is abe simpson . im abe simpson . youve just won million from that publishers cleary dealie . what . everybody , come quick . abe simpson is rich . i cant believe it . i can finally afford a young , crazy , stripper wife . yeah . im gonna get me the craziest , strippiest  hes dead . oh , this is terrible . now who do we give the money to . i guess well just have to haul the check back to headquarters . too bad we couldnt just give it to these nice folks . forget it , ed . do you know what it costs to sign over a check this big . why , the wealth transfer fee would run at least a hundred dollars a head . youre right . we better just take this check back for shredding . no , wait . we got a hundred bucks each . hang on . thank you . no shoving . thats right . put your money in here . all of it . is that everyone . whats your problem , sport . afraid to be rich . hold your horses . ill get to ya . f . b . i . youre under arrest for fraud . mm hmm . throw the book at him , sonny . doh . now , wheres the inside man . mmm . call me mint jelly , cause im on the lam . ahh . so were under arrest for fraud . yes , fraud . well , this is about the flashiest car ive ever impounded . thanks . whew . it took a lot of grifting . oh . please , f . b . i . man , dont throw us in jail . we just made one mistake . yeah . were not criminals . were just two crazy , mixed up kids . mmm . okay , tell you what . ill let you turn yourselves in . maybe theyll go easier on you . youd do that for us . well , i did ruin the boys birthday cake . go on in . but ill be watching . okay . thank you , sir . dont worry , son . i have an idea . chief , id like to scare my son straight . could i show him a jail cell . oh , sure . ill put you in the rickjames suite . its super freaky . okay , were all locked up now . yeah . you big idiot . excellent . i guess ill just be swiping your car now . what . oh , and this lovely bag of cash . so long , suckers . woo hoo . thats not an f . b . i . badge . colgate cavity patrol . ohh . that guy was a grifter . yeah . he conned us good . well , at least we still have our jobs at the sweepstakes place . ohh . what . moms gonna wonder where the car went . we better have a good story . well , lies got us into this mess , son . from now on , its honesty all the way . you were carjacked in the church parking lot . absolutely . we had stopped in for a quick prayer when  bart , would you call him a crazy man . definitely . well , crazy about carjacking . what did he look like . uh , mmm , lets see . he was foreign , and he had  wild , bushy hair , like an animal . anything else . uh , well , he seemed like a loner . kept to himself mostly . and he said if we went to the cops , hed come back for maggie . oh , dear . we dont want that . anyhoo , the whole nightmares really made us sleepy . lets hit the hay . homie . homie , wake up . theyve captured your crazed foreign carjacker . huh . but thats impossible . theyre arresting him right now . i did not do it , i tell ya . uh oh . at least , let me comb me hair . its all wild and bushy . what do you care , loner . well , look at that . but who called the police . we did . after we got maggie to a safe house , of course . hmm . she hasnt touched her manwich . you cannot do this to willie . im innocent , i tell ya . they always say theyre innocent . its such a turnoff . dad , willie got arrested cause of us . of course he did , son . hes a filthy crook . now lets all hit the hay . its in the morning . i guess you havent heard of chloroform . will you tell the court your whereabouts at the time of the carjacking . i was alone in me unabomber style shack . i had nothing to do with that carjacking . carjacking . who said anything about a carjacking . but didnt ya just say  ill ask the questions here , carjacker willie . objection . im gonna allow it . it characterizes the defendant as a carjacker . dad , weve gotta tell everyone the truth . lets see how this plays out . mr . simpson , could you describe your assailant to the court . i told you my memory is fuzzy . fuzzy . fuzzy like willies beard . yes . exactly . no , . i mean the whole incident is hazy . hazy like the moors of scotland . yes , exactly . ohh . hey . mountain dew . ohh . mr . foreman , has the jury reached a verdict . i believe we was promised . a day . all right then . guilty . carjacker willie , i sentence you to years in prison . dad , tell them . when the time is right . ten years . but i didna do it . sure you didna . now lets get you to attica  no . youll never send me up the river . dad . lets see where hes going with this . willie , as your employer , i insist  oh . stop . this has gone on just long enough . nobody carjacked me . i tried to pull a con and got conned myself . and then i lied to you all . so did bart . okay , players , thats a wrap . huh . nice work , everybody . wait a minute . this whole thing was a setup . but skinner got shot . aah . yup . blanks and a blood pack . hey , watch it . i look like cable tv . what about that bullet hole in your hair . squibs . yeah , we hornswoggled you good . but what about the guy who took my car . devon bradley . character actor , dancer , singer . im a triple threat . hes doing dreamcoat at the dinner theater . i cant believe everyone was in on it . willie wasnt . wait a minute . youre telling me the police force , the tv news a courthouse full of people , and a popular entertainer had nothing better to do than to teach me and bart a lesson . i know it seems far fetched, , even insulting to your intelligence . but theres a simple and highly satisfying explanation . you see  hey , everybody . surf s up . cowabunga . woo . uh . uh . hey . ohh . hey . aah . shh . springfield . welcome back to pigskin preview . denvergreen bay who do you like . thats football , right . well , im gonna take the broncos in this game cause the packers will be blinded byjerrys tie . tremendous . im more worried about als jacket . how many stations can you get on that thing . all right . listen . i am sick of your jokes about the wardrobe . you people can dress yourselves . well , folks , hes got a point . uh , with all our unscripted horseplay , we sometimes dont think about  lenny , are you watching this . yeah . they really hurt that guys feelings . i know . ready for the circus , homer . circus . the cirque de pure . weve had tickets since septembre . but i want to watch brett favre . come on , homer . theyre only in town for eight months . then theyre gone . oh . i missed one ofjerrys zingers . now ill never catch up . mmm . finally , a circus full of whimsy and wonder . oh , yeah . thats way better than fun and excitement . as french canadians , they dont believe in refunds or exploiting animals for entertainment . oh . i wanted to see em fire a gorilla out of a cannon . enjoy the show . for one day , we shall die . ohh . stop . wait . wait . attendez . i cannot get the lid off my jar of rainbows . who will help me . you , sir . but i cannot help you . i am just a local merchant from , uh , this town . just smash it open . oh , you can do it if your heart is pure  or pure . they always pick the guy with the wires . oh , look at those exotic positions . watching those women is giving me ideas . they made an elephant . its hauntingly beautiful , isnt it . a storm is coming . i feel it in my bone . mesdames et messieurs , it appears the cloud goddess is ripe with rain babies . we must run for our trucks . oh , no , you dont . i paid full price for this freak show . now , nourish the child within me . nourish . un , deux , trois . well , sir , weve got ourselves a classic noreaster meeting a classic souwester . overnight , expect rain turning to freezing rain turning to sleet turning to snow and then melting in the summer . snow . maybe theyll cancel school . look . the sea captains all hunkered down . arr . help . i was tied here by teenage pirates . the following schools are closed today shelbyville , ogdenville tech , and springfield elementary my dear watson detective school . ohh . and lastly , springfield elementary school yea . is open . ohh . and its open season on savings at springfield menswear , which is closed . oh . everyones off but us . oh , stop . your father and i dont get the day off . lenny says weve got the day off . yippee . one snow angel coming up . huh . oh , why does that always happen . man . everyone has a snow day but us . oh . they look wonderful . ah . yeah . ah , yeah , clancy . spell your name . uh , hey , lou , could you shake out the last few drops for me . yeah , no problem , chief . seems like a waste of coffee , though . children , im proud of you . most of our students didnt bother to show up on this last day before christmas break . but youve kept intact my cal ripken like streak of school openage . hey , where are the teachers . eh , their union just called an emergency caucus . caucus , but well have the last laugh on thosejohnny come . were gonna watch my favorite movie about a grinch y little character who tries to steal christmas . ho , . whats that , blitzen . why , yes , it is christmas eve . im happy . oh . its the christmas hobgoblins . oh . what the hell is this . its classic mirth making, , is what it is . i will always be true spend my days pitching woo to you oh . hes been singing for two hours . this couldnt have less to do with christmas . and i think thats a stagehand . and i love you too i am you and you are you oh , you and me together you can see ha ha . next time get a dvd . this is a dvd . well , you wont get to see santas big sing off but seeing as were close to the usual dismissal time  two , one  there it is . take off and have a frank and productive holiday . oh , dear god . principal skinner . were snowed in . were trapped in the school . were gonna miss christmas . i fixed the dvd . roads closed . pipes frozen . albinos virtually invisible . the weather service has upgraded springfields blizzard from winter wonderland to a class three kill storm . i dont like the sound of that class three . and where are the citys snowplows . sold off to billionaire montgomery burns in a veritable orgasm of poor planning . he shoots . he scores . perfect form , sir . this is terrible . how will the kids get home . i dont know . internet . children , it seems the phone lines are down so im afraid were stuck here for the duration . aww . but its my kids birthday . im doing a puzzle with grandmama , and shell finish without me . yes , . we all had plans . except for me , ironically . im right where i want to be . i can cut a trail through the snow . im part eskimo . i dont care if youre kristi yamaguchi . no one leaves the building . this stinks . well miss the itchy and scratchy where they finally kiss . i dont care if theyre kissing kristi yamaguchi . youre not going home . thats so unfair . this blows . skinners the real grinch . im all for rescuing the kids but i wish you hadnt sawed off my roof . my car , your roof . its only fair . b  but its my car . well , yeah . hey , whatever happened to the plow from your old snowplow business . i never had a snowplow business . sure , you did . mr . plow . youre wearing the jacket right now . i think i know my own life , ned . call mr . plow thats my name that name again is mr . plow im so hungry . i want more . you heard the principal . everyone gets one apple and a handful of relish . if you dont eat your relish , youre not getting any mayonnaise . screw this . the rest of you can stay here like dorks , but im going home . go , nelson . well , i hope youve all learned something from nelsons headstrongedness . and from now on  we want out . we want out . we want out . we want out . yeesh . its getting ugly out there . mmm . think , skinner , think . what would superintendent chalmers do . skinner . eh , thats no help . mmm . ah . my old footlocker . back in nam , i could command respect . sarge , lets make a break for it while the guards are partying with jane fonda . nope . too dangerous . were all gonna sit tight and reminisce about candy bars . uh , well , uh , one time , im eating a candy bar at the beach and a girl starts taking off her bathing suit  get back to the candy bar . the hell with this . im gettin outta here . no , you fool . that elephant ate my entire platoon . well , im not gonna let it happen again . children , stand down . huh . i said , stand down . im not joking , people . from now on there will be no talking out of turn or leaving this room . willie . aye , sir . this sucks . are you questioning my authority . willie . ow . my vest . dont just stand there . fight back . there arent enough coat hooks to hold all of us . actually there are . five , uh , can you two share a hook . yes , sir . were fine then . i think we hit something . i hope its flanders . im just kidding . hey , youre all right . now , children , if you have to answer natures call during the night use this bucket next to barts head . hey . all right . lights out . im tired of taking orders from g . i . jerk . im gonna tunnel out of here . no , bart . for all we know , hundreds of rescue workers are digging us out right now . i feel like making love making love to you catchy song , all right . you really wrote it . yeah . as a tribute to princess di . and dodi . because these days , princesses  were trapped . mr . army man . i cant sleep without my reggie rabbit . is that some sort of plush novelty . yes , maam . well , heres a scouring pad . its just as good . its cold and hurt y . uh what the  a tunnel . barts digging us out . not on my watch hes not . oh , no . i know it looks like the path to freedom . but one collapse , and presto  youve got a snow casket . i was gonna put buttresses in . gonna , wanna , shoulda . willie , destroy it . he did do a bonny job , sir . defying orders , eh . well , i see you scotsmen are thrifty with courage too . okay , skinner . thats the last time youll slap your willie around . i quit . fine . ill do the job myself . help . its caving in . oh . whats the problem , seymour . stuck . thats precisely the problem , and you know it . now , get me out of here . whats that . you want the pee bucket on your head . no . youre twisting my words . come on . were taking over the school . come on . were taking over the school . thats it . cinch it up around the neck . this is a gross misuse of school property . where are the dodge balls . ow . ow . ohh . all right . thats it . im writing all your names on the detention list in my mind . silence , seymour . were in charge now . your reign of fussiness is over . bart on p . a . attention . the school is now under kid control . you are hereby ordered to go nuts . huh . aw , stupid ice . i always knew i would die caked in something . well , better turn off that engine before those fumes put us in tombs . wait . lets just leave it on till we forget our troubles . mm , sounds like a plan . i cant write this . its a grammatical nightmare . mau . didi mau . im getting a cramp in my wrist . oh , boo hoo . after all the times ive done it my wrist sounds like a cement mixer . ow . come on , seymour . mau . didi mau . ow . i told you no one can climb a rope . its physically impossible . what part of didi mau dont you understand . nelson , put that globe down . milhouse , stay out of my desk . jimbo , thats my princey award . quiet , principal spinner . hey , i got skinners key card . we can finally see our permanent records . no . you cant go in there . underachiever and proud of it . how old is this thing . lisa is an outstanding student with a slight tendency toward know it . thats not even a word . then well get rid of the record permanently . hey , look how much skinner makes . twenty five thousand dollars a year . wow . lets see . hes years old , times grand . whoa . hes a millionaire . wow . i wasnt a principal when i was one . plus , in the summer , he paints houses . hes a billionaire . wow . if i were a billionaire , why would i be living with my mother . oh , theyre just not responding to logic anymore . ill never win this alone . theres only one guy who can help me now . look . im throwing paper . youre my only hope , nibbles . godspeed , nibbles . godspeed . aw , nuts . there you are . falcon to eagle . have located bag of crap . if you get me out of this , theres a hall monitor position coming open in the spring . i spit on your monitors . i know . thats why the positions available . huh . marvelous . marvelous . enough . i grow weary of your sexually suggestive dancing . bring me my ranch dressing hose . homer . homer . homer , wake up . the cars filling with  i know . ranch dressing . a hamster ball . just like the one that saved ezekiel . were free . and weve got something to eat . whoo hoo . now , lets go save those kids . youre the camel . hey , this cars got cruise control . school , please . homer , thats not how it  its happening . my horoscope was right . so long , johnny tremain . your newberry award wont save you now . not huck finn . i spent hours crossing out the sass back . were gonna crash . do you have air bags . no . the church opposes them for some reason . what was that . it sounded like a silo tipping over . look . the snows melting . with a little help from our friend , sodium chloride . dad . you did it , nibbles . now , chew through my ball sack . huh . skinner . oh . superintendent chalmers . what are you doing in that ridiculous duffel , seymour . and is that burning literature i smell . uh  w w , sir , i , uh  thered better be a good explanation for this . there is , sir . ah . then im happy . bart , if theres one thing im good at its pretending things didnt happen . and i think this is one of those . one of which . exactly . no , seriously . i wasnt listening . one of those situations where  gotcha . come on , kids . lets leave this awful place and never come back . boy , that salt really ate through the car . and the exhaust pipe is leaking . wha  and furthermore  ignore her , effendi . we have each other . oh , baby . aah . no use struggling , my beloved shelamela . merry christmas from the simpsons . shh . springfield . animation is so great . its way better than whatever the alternative is . seems like animated shows are everywhere  or were , last year . cool . japanimation . electro web, , deploy . now i control the roboverse . your laugh is incorrect , meganaut . activate prawn power . man , that princess tempuras one heck of a transformazoid . wait . im confused . why was a wolf shooting a web . cartoons dont have to make sense . hes right , you know . daddy , are you sure its okay for us to watch cartoons . mm hmm . this ones fine and dandy , roddy . its approved by a council of presby lutheran ministers . what you making there , gravey . its a pipe bomb , jobriath for to blow up planned parenthood . i dont know , gravey . im sick of your lack of faith . hmm . but , gravey  yea . and then i created the voice of yellow bellied yak . all i need is some courage . courage , i tell ya . excuse me , but isnt that voice very similar to the cowardly lion . also , sir , your loudmouth leopard is a rip off ofjackie gleason . humina , . and clutzy cat sounds exactly likejerry lewis with the stealing and the lawsuit and the oh , nice judge . dont hurt a person with the thing . and cut . after a tough day on the set how do itchy and scratchy relax . with laramie extra tar cigarettes . heres your smokes , mr . itchy . thank you , louis . mmm . mm hmm . and now theres more nico glycerol . i dont know whats in em . i just know i cant stop smokin em . wait a minute . was that cat making out with that mouse . cause if they were  folks , youre about to witness the exciting new process of motion capture animation . now , well need a vol  pick me . pick me . now , when you move any part of your body , our furry friend will copy you exactly . hmm . hmm . im a little teapot , short and stout here is my handle here is my spout uh , let me see . ill make him an offer he cant refuse . and thats the truth . that dogs a riot . thank you . dont spay or neuter your pets . good night . zipperoonie . oh , yeah . urinal cake eroding . eroding . eroding . gone . that motion capture suit is just what this country needs . just think of all the hilarious motions that are going uncaptured . like this . hey . see . now , wouldnt you love to see that move performed by a cartoon possum . an opossum capering around like that would be a smash hit . it would be the worlds funniest marsupial . yeah , right . that suit gizmo could be worth billions . and im gonna get a piece of the action . so , does he still work here , or what . id like to withdraw my life savings , please . and hurry . uh , sir , this is a joint account . uh , youll need your wifes signature too . oh . yes , of course . yeah . uh , shes behind that plant . hello , marge . hi , homie . sign this , please . youre the boss . daddy , ask the man for some candy . no , . no candy for you . well , at least get some candy for yourself . kids . heres your candy . so long , sucker . uh , sir . your life savings . uh , yes . i see that its in bill form . excellent . id like to buy shares of animotion , incorporated . okay . uh , now , before i execute this order are you sure you understand the risks of stock ownership . absolutely . were in the money were in the money you heard the monkey . make the trade . for automated stock prices , please state the company name . animotion . animotion , up one and one half . yahoo . yahoo , up six and a quarter . huh . what is this crap . fox broadcasting , down eight . sleep tight , my beloved . youre my ticket out of this hellhole . homer . sorry . our ticket out of this hellhole . turning to the stock market , animotion is up an eighth  yes . after plunging points this morning . oh . i hope plunging means up and means . the firm declared super duper bankruptcy which is terrible news for the companys only stockholder , homer simpson . oh . family meeting . family meeting . okay , people . lets keep this short . we all want to get home to our families . all right . first item . i lost our life savings in the stock market . now lets move on to the real issue  lisas hogging of the maple syrup . well , maybe if mom didnt make such dry waffles . there , i said it . well , maybe if you ate some meat , youd have a natural lubricant . you lost all our money . point of order . i didnt lose all the money . there was enough left for this cowbell . damn you , ebay . i have a great way to solve our money woes . you rent your womb to a rich childless couple . if you agree , signify by getting indignant . are you crazy . im not gonna be a surrogate mother . come on , marge . were a team . its uter us, , not uter you . forget it . you know , homer , i got a great way to make money . im a human guinea pig . you mean like medical testing . yeah . medical , military , chewin stuff . chewin stuff . yeah . like you chew on a telephone wire till you get a shock . oh . oh , right . okay . yeah , but arent those experiments dangerous . ah , you get a few side effects . are those ears . ow . not so loud . hmm . first well test this experimental perfume on you . it burns . it burns . hmm . well call it desert breeze . mm hmm . that appetite suppressant is amazing . homer , you really have no desire to eat that food . food . im blind . whos gonna buy a pill that makes you blind . well let marketing worry about that . doh . doh . doh . where did that rat come from . he must have brought it in with him . hmm . damn it . man , is he dumb . where do they get these subjects . hes a little too well fed to be a wino . hey . whats that . zoom in on section eight . rotate degrees . mr . simpson , im afraid you have a crayon lodged in your brain . theres a crayon in my brain . but ive had thousands of head x rays . how come no one ever noticed it before . oh , i can answer that . you see , whenever i pick up an x ray, , i always hold it like this . my thumb must have covered up the crayon every time . ill show myself out . do you have any idea how this might have happened . well , im not sure but it might have happened when i was six . fourteen . fifteen . sixteen . whoo hoo . oh , i dont feel so good . ah , i think thats all of them . mr . simpson , this could be responsible for your subnormal intelligence . hey , i came here to be drugged , electrocuted and probed , not insulted . we could remove the crayon for you . it could vastly increase your brainpower  or it could possibly kill you . hmm . increase my killing power , eh . lets do it . oh , homer , where have you been . i just underwent a procedure to increase my i . q points . really . and they gave me this spiffy nerd ensemble too . do you feel smarter . is the capital of north dakota bismarck . it is . i dont believe it . say something else smart . dr . joyce brothers may be well known but her psychological credentials are highly suspect . its true . now , whos up for a trip to the library tomorrow . notice i no longer say libary or tomorry . id love to go to the library with you . its a date . dad , did you read all these books today . everything from hop on pop to death be not proud . its so tragic the way they hopped on pop . i always dreamed youd be my library buddy . get out . no , really . i think books have an amazing power to bring people together . look . even cletus is checking one out . now hold still . nothing cracks a turtle like leon uris . ow . dang it . ow . that sonata may not be a glenn gould performance but i must say its good as gould . hey , flanders . heading for church . well , i thought i could save you a little time . oh . found a new shortcut . better . i was working on a flat tax proposal and i accidentally proved theres no god . well just see about tha  uh oh . well , maybe he made a mista  no . its airtight . cant let this little doozy get out . welcome to the third lecture in our series on not putting things up your nose . please welcome homer simpson . i am here to give hope to the least of you because we all have a crayon up our nose . maybe its not a crayon made of wax . maybe its a crayon made of prejudice . question . yes , nelson . a moron says what . not being a moron , i wouldnt know . however  what . ladies and gentlemen , i give you your moron . ha ha . you see . its cool to be smart . so be like me and use your minds . paint a painting , sing a song and dance a dance . thank you . unfortunately , due to budget cuts we are canceling art , music and dance . please evacuate the auditorium before its bulldozed into a mini mall . so , is that your usual coffee mug . yep . hmm . looks a little bigger . its not . what you mailing , homer . ive compiled a thorough safety report on this plant . how come youre not giving it to mr . burns . ive decided to disintermediate the local authorities and send it straight to the nuclear regulatory commission . yeah . and just in time . every day theres more skin on my pillow . yeah , its nice to have someone with brains in this nuclear plant . homers the guy who rigged up my pants with this special codpiece . comfy , isnt it . oh , yeah . it provides the freedom and protection i so sorely need . yeah . it seems the federales have been tipped off by an anonymous whistle blower . mm hmm . now , while the plant is brought up to code there will be massive layoffs . that is to say , total layoffs . toodles . hmm . way to put us out of work , genius . i cant feed my family with a codpiece . wait . you cant hate me . im your better . your better . oh , youve really done it this time , dum dum . burn , . burn , . effigy , eh . yeah , nothing burns like an effigy . hey . thats me . stop that . the fire inspector would be appalled . dont tell me how to feel . so you all hate me . thats right , brainiac . you cost us our jobs , which we need for working . not to mention driving to . and i was a lot happier before i knew dame edna was a man . a lot happier . you aint welcome here no more , smart boy . hmm . im detecting a distinct strain of anti intellectualism in this tavern . power off , einstein . lisa , why didnt you warn me . being a brain has alienated me from all my friends . dad , as intelligence goes up , happiness often goes down . in fact , i made a graph . i make a lot of graphs . well , what gets you through the day . oh , many things . tai chi , chai tea but i find when i cant keep the unhappy thoughts from swirling in my brain the best thing is usually a nice long walk . a walk . thats a really good idea . hmm . hmm . do you take this woman to be your lawfully wedded wife . i do . one groom  two grooms . but he  but you cant  oh , my medication . radical . is that your final answer . i dont understand . that wasnt funny . wait a minute . somebodys not laughing here . its him . hey . dont blame me . this movie is tired and predictable . you know shes gonna wind up marrying richard gere . i thought shed wind up with that rich snob . ably played by bill paxton . its bill pullman , you fool . point out your plot holes elsewhere . is there no place for the man with the i . q . im a spalding gray in a rick dees world . change me back to the blissful boob i was . im sorry . we dont play god here . thats ridiculous . you do nothing but play god . and i think your octo parrot would agree . polly shouldnt be . look . what if we gave you the name of an unlicensed surgeon . oh , that would be heaven . say  moe szyslak . thats right . im a surgeon . so what do you want here . uh , appendectomy , lipo or the sampler . thats very popular . i want you to stick this crayon into my brain . no problem . the old crayola oblongata . ah . now for a little powder blue . oh , no . he wouldnt . all right . tell me when i hit the sweet spot . deeper , you pusillanimous pilsner pusher . all right . all right . defense . defense . uh , thats pretty dumb , but , uh  extended warranty . how can i lose . perfect . sweetheart , a missing crayon could be anywhere . who wants lottery tickets . okay . its in his brain . dad , how could you . we were connecting in such a meaningful way . we were what what in the what what . yeah . which reminds me , i need a sandwich . hey . whats this . i dont know . must be something i wrote before moe fixed me . lisa , im taking the cowards way out . but before i do , i just want you to know being smart made me appreciate how amazing you really are . oh , dad . oh , you want a hug . well , that i know how to do . mmm . mmm . hug . shh . springfield . homer , get up . up . up . up . oh , no . what the  my juice box . ohh . oh , sorry , homie . but you promised to take me to the apron expo today . just give me more hours . come on . you and the kids always want to do fun stuff . but today were doing something i like . theyre unveiling a combination apron smock . its called a smapron . did you say smockron . no , smapron . oh . come on . itll be fun . man , that was a good apron expo . im gonna wear my apron on the fourth ofjuly . and this lead apron will keep me safe downstairs . grill power . im a little disappointed . there were too many aprons . it was great , all right . but all i want to do right now is hit the adjustable sack with a good juice box . because when all is said and done  prison rodeo today . man on p . a . welcome to waterville state penitentiary . the contestants youll see today are actual prisoners on a break from their telemarketing duties . now , here comes our first outlaw . yee haw . doggy . well , dont feel too bad for him , folks . hes in here for erecting a nativity scene on city property . theres so much evil in the world . no , delbert . were not slaughtering the animals . its not like that , warden . we was just havin a conversation . aint that right . mm hmm . next ups a real lowlife . bob dylan wrote a song to keep him in prison . say hello tojack crowley . yee haw . go , bull . toss his salad . oh , hes down . and it looks like old tornado wants to caramelize his crme brle . yeah , do that . somebody help him . relax , they got rodeo clowns . is my lipstick even . go like this . hey . hey , over here . here , bully , . thats not gonna do it , marge . you need something red . whoa . hey , toro . heres something to gore . dad . not now , honey . daddys busy . now for a little calming blue . hey , wheres your blue shirt . i dont have a blue shirt . yow . what the  maybe its the tear gas . or maybe this was the best damn prison rodeo ever . hows your back , homie . i cant complain . nah , thats for the prisoners . you can complain all you want . oh , god , my back . it hurts so much . and my job is so unfulfilling . try to focus on something else . mmm , you likejimi hendrix , right . uh huh . well , look at that painting . wow , the artist really captured jimis passion and intensity . and his fondness for the guitar . thank you kindly , maam . they wont give us art supplies so i had to paint it with pudding . a convict painted that . yeah . well , i studied art , and this guys got a real gift . you kiddin . look . he painted a unicorn in outer space . im asking you . whats it breathing . air . aint no air in space . theres an air and space museum . oh , god . my back . lets get out of this gosh forsaken heck hole . all right . oh , what a waste of talent . a sunset . they are coming back for us , arent they . i dont know . hows your back , dad . well , theres a dull ache certainly . and overlaid on that is a club sandwich of pain . only instead of bacon theres agony . marge , can i have a b . l . t . what are you looking at . oh , nothing . how would you feel if i did some volunteer work at the prison . first , id feel like having a b . l . t . then proud of you . oh , homie , i knew youd support me . oh , my back . hmm . mrs . marge simpson . im here to teach an art class . oh , art class . la di . this is ike pross . hes going to solitary . oh , solitary . la di . welcome to freeing the artist within . not literally , of course . okay . now , i wanted to paint fresh fruit . but the prison cafeteria would only give me sauerkraut . thats depressing . lets let a little sunshine in . question . can i smell your dress . hey , you show some respect . this one heres not for smellin . why thank you , jack . no problem . now , lets paint . hey , can i smell your clothes . your spine is more twisted than sinbads take on marriage . so . just give me some drugs and surgery . oh , id love to . but to be honest modern medicine has a lousy record of treating the back . we spend too much time on the front . yeah , theres some neat stuff on the front . im gonna send you to my chiropractor . hey , i thought real doctors hated chiropractors . well , that is our official stance . but between you , me and my golf clubs , theyre miracle workers . thats charming , sardonicus . but try to use less of a stabbing action and more of a brushing stroke . there . see how much better that feels . yes . much better . oh , jack . thats so soulful . how did someone so sensitive end up here . well , if you really gotta know , i shot a guy named apu . oh . well , you know , lots of people shoot apu . its just a hundred dollar fine now . maybe i belong in here . i got a lotta anger . i dont see any anger . i see a yearning for freedom . um , do you have a title . a time to kill . titles are hard . hello , homer . im dr . steve . please lie down . mmm . get wake up , homer . huh . less yakkin , more crackin . now , homer , we dont actually crack backs . its merely an adjustment . okay , youre gonna hear a loud cracking sound . there we go . hey . it feels a little better . mm hmm . i thought it might . now , ill need to see you three times a week for , uh , many years . so how was it in the slammer . terrific . bart , sideshow bob says hell be seeing you real soon . that bob . oh , and guess whos up for parole . my diamond in the rough . that scary guy . scary talented . and im gonna make sure the parole board knows it . you gonna bribe em . i might grease the wheels of justice with some cookies . oh , can i have some . not till you finish your sundae . ohh . is that enough . two more bites . im sure your macaroons are scrumptious , marge . but ive seen this warden turn down brownies  honest to goodness brownies . next . oh , its you . well , just let me ink up my old denied stamp . warden , please . this man is a gentle soul . i know hes made mistakes , but someone with his talent belongs on a boardwalk doing caricatures , not behind bars . lady , i know he charmed you with some pleases and thank yous but he wasnt so polite to the guy he shot . actually he was . he waited with me till the ambulance came then ran like a deer . well , thats mighty nice . but if i let this creep out , would you like him skulking around your neighborhood . honestly , it wouldnt bother me . yeah , lets do it . well , lady , im gonna call your bluff . the prisoner is hereby paroled into your custody . oh oh, , my goodness . im free . oh , mrs . simpson . oh , geez , im sorry . sorry . you wont regret this . i hope this is okay . its not very prison y . its more than i deserve , maam . now , which way is mecca . cause i gotta do a little prayin . uh , mecca . well , let  nah . im just yanking your chain . im jewish . ow . oh , my back . dr . steve didnt do anything . did you do those exercises he gave you . yeah , right . i did em while you were studying . ow . oh . ow . dad , are you okay . yeah . in fact , i feel fantastic . that trash can mustve unkinked your back . not trash can , son  dr . homers miracle spine o . patent pending . okay , . and as you can see , the unique dents in my invention perfectly match the contours of the human vertebrains . hmm . patent pending , patent pending , patent pending . hey , whos this guy . you rememberjack . hes that talented painter who had a little brush with the law . you brought a convict to live here near my unpatented idea . i seen your idea , and i dont want it . all i need is three squares and a job . thats right , a job . i know just where you can get one . so , homer , you think you can fix my sciatica . hmm . i dont know what that is , so im gonna say yes . now go limp . im limp . one , two , better not sue . hey , it worked . my searing leg pain is now a gentle numbness . next . yes , uh , my car seems to have broken down and i was wondering if i could use your  oh . thats a pushing motion . simpson , youre not a licensed chiropractor . and youre stealing patients from me and dr . steffi . boy , talk about irony . the a . m . a . tries to drive you guys out of business . now youre doing the same to me . think about the irony . youve been warned . stop chiropracting . not unless you think about the irony . i read in the daily fourth gradian that you need someone to paint a mural . yes . school spirit is down . percent . well , jack here will do great work for you . oh , any references . well , to be honest with you , i spent the last six years in waterville state  its a small liberal arts college . very law abiding . no convicts at all . well , the only other one to apply was moe szyslak and his stuff scares the hell out of me . ew . how could anyone consider that making love . all right , jack . youre hired . ill clear you out a cubby . you told a lie for me . i know . but the lord will forgive me if it helps you get a second chance . actually , marge , its the third if you count that farm couple . farm couple . but i got a good feelin about this one , marge . i really do . that is awesome . finally , art that doesnt suck . dear lord . what are you doing . you dont like it . no , . its all wrong . a shapely female form has no place in art . but what i thought is  i sketched out exactly what i wanted . but what i was goin for  did you even look at the napkin . oh , i was in the zone that day . yeah . you see , i didnt want to go so cutesy wootsy . because  because its not my style . well , if you want to keep this job , youll make it your style . all right . youre the boss man , aint ya . darn right im the boss . dont forget i can send you back where you came from , college boy . that punk skinner . i had more freedom back at the joint . oh , jack , i know you hate to betray your artistic vision , but just do it . i guess i could bend a little . just till you make it . remember , i believe in you . thanks , marge . listen , if youre done with that washing machine , can i make some booze in it . not until you finish your sundae . yes , maam . whats wrong with my sundaes . careful , im frail . okay , that should do it , moe . hey , it dont hurt no more . huh . now i can focus on my crippling emotional pain . oh , daddy , why . why wont you hug me . you hugged the mailman . excuse me , sir . is this el clnico magnifico . ah , you saw our bus ad . wed , uh , like to invest in your spinal adjustment device . we might be able to do business . well need to take some photographs . hey , where you going with that . wait a minute . no investor could bend like that . theyre chiropractors . come on , come on . lets go . no . my spine o . theyll pay for what they did to my can . forget it , homer . its chiro town . you know , when superintendent chalmers suggested a school mural i almost thought he said a school muriel . muriels his sister . and , uh  oh , thank you , bruce vilanch . whoopi wouldve made it work . and now i present puma pride by a college educated artist  oh . jack crowley . man , is that wimpy . what happened to the cool one . well , my original idea was  jeepers , thats sugary even for my taste . yeah , but skinner said i had  skinner . how are we going to raise school spirit with this sappy hokum . i know , sir . its an embarrassment . this isnt what i wanted . wheres the edge . i followed your napkin . no napkin could wipe the crumbs of failure from your mouth . no . no , dont fight . all great art is controversial at first . but years from now , people will point to these cuddly little creatures and say thats a jack crowley . now , uh , pizzas working well on thursday . but i think the kids will follow it to tuesday . thats what you said about the stuffed peppers , and you lost the young males . principal skinner , the schools on fire . spread , . spread , . its crystal clear who did this jack crowley . no way . you dont know thatjack did this . just because hes an ex con oh . crowleys an ex con . dear lord , ive peed in front of him . hey , check it out . ha . now thats a mural . its so passionate . it almost leaps off the wall . oh . that felon couldve torched the whole school  were it not stuffed with asbestos . well catch crowley . and then hell learn the fine art of police brutality . psst . marge , over here . oh , jack . you threw it all away over a stupid feud with skinner . look , ill admit i hate skinner . but i didnt start that fire . then why are you hiding . come on , marge . with my rap sheet , they cant wait to send me back to prison . and you cant believe the foul language in that place . so you really didnt do it . marge , look in my eyes . i swear to you i did not do it . i believe you , jack . now , lets get you out of here . wait for my signal . oh , chief . i found some evidence that points to the real arsonist . well , lets see it . not yet . you have to guess what it is . we dont have time for guessing games . nah , lets try it . it might be fun . is it d . n . a . so its like d . n . a . um , a hatchet . you had a turn . i want to guess . oh , geez . my car . puma pride . puma pride . catch the fever , skinner . you crumb bum . you looked me right in the eye and lied to me . marge , this is the gods truth . i burned the mural . but i did not burn skinners car . i just saw you . get him outta here , chief . yes , maam . my wife and i like watching that oz show on hbo . uh , i is prison really like that . wouldnt know . we only get basic cable . ouch . yeah , i also like that sex in the city . huh . none of those girls look like my wife . sports centers not bad . yeah . i never got that show . whats to get . they just tell the scores . yeah , i suppose . hey , you ever meet any mob guys . are they really like the sopranos . i told you . we just get basic cable . oh , right , . listen , if im getting too chatty , just , uh just tell me to shut up . nah , im enjoyinit . hey , you ever watch them strong man contests . nah , im enjoyinit . hey , you ever watch them strong man contests . theyre pretty good . those guys look strong . a lot of guys in prison say theyre gay , but i dont know . they look strong to me . shh . springfield . mmm , good pancakes , mom . well , thank you , honey . they come in a squeeze bottle now . whoo . i better put on the silencer . you know what would be good with these . is some ms . butterworth . lets have a breakfast meeting . ew . how long has this baking soda been in here . i dont know . it came with the house . hey , dad . i bet you five bucks you cant eat the whole box . five . why dont we make it . oh ho . youre gonna regret this . ill call poison control . fran , its me . just a heads up . wow . the absorbed odors of a million meals . oh , so many flavors . all those tasty memories flooding back . if it doesnt fit , you must acquit . therefore , i shall resign the presidency . just one small step for man one giant leap for mankind . uh oh . dads having an antacid trip . and i won bucks . can i see the bart . can i . huh . milhouse , my friend , you and i are going on a spending spree . my doctor says im not supposed to go on sprees . what about jags . jags are fine . wonderful . a bill . gentlemen , let us shop . our wide variety of gum comes in both stick and ball . im not really about gum . but i like the whole chewing thing . are you averse to crispy centers , sir . not at all . then we have much to discuss . too much raw bacon . come on , bart . we cant stop spending now . theres one thing ive always wanted to do . my mom doesnt believe in fabric softener . but shes not around . im picking the next thing . looks like were down to our last bucks . hello . radioactive man , number please . ten dollars . i laugh at you . please to note , this is no ordinary comic book . it is in perma mint condition . if you spill soda on it , the drops fly off harmlessly onto lesser comics . yes , you are quite correct to gasp . also note the price , . we had to buy lunch for that homeless guy . while my sons at fat camp , i cleaned out his room . how much will you give me for this . probably nothing . but let us see . oh . handwritten script for star wars by george lucas . princess leias anti jiggle breast tape . film reel labeled , alternate ending lukes father is chewbacca . oh . oh . ill give you five dollars for the box . sold . dont do it , lady . that stuff s worth thousands . yeah . hes ripping you off . well , if this is valuable , then back to the leaky basement it goes . hmph . smile , please . thank you . son , i know it hurts . i still remember my first lifetime banning . hey , wheres my melon . and you are banned for life from all of my performances and tv specials . but i can still see your movies , right . and i never saw gallagher again . oh , it says here that special effects whiz tom savini is gonna be appearing at the comic book store tonight . tom savini . yes . it says here hes the movie magician behind creepshow friday the th , and dawn of the dead . i cant believe im gonna miss that . dont worry your spiky little head . ive got it all planned out . how could you have it planned out . you just heard about the problem . youre right . give me a minute . hmm . mr . simpson , it hurts . yeah . and why did we have to do this all the way from home . for once in my life , im tall . dont take that away from me . hello . im shaquille oneal . let us in , please . you two are not welcome . sorry , son . thanks for the tip off . no problem . appearing exclusively here at the androids dungeon  take that , messieurs barnes and noble . the king of splatter , tom savini . good evening . sorry , i had a really big dinner . whoo . dinner . but im sure one more french fry wouldnt hurt . oh , we missed the gut buster . yeah . that should be us covered with blood . sure , computer technology is here to stay . but therell always be a place for the practical special effects wizard . hey . all right . i love the theater . oh , please . i saw paul lynde do that same hackneyed trick on bewitched . try to explode this out of my belly . thats not a cookie . thats a time release blood pack . you , sir , are a perfect patsy . let me shake your hand . to the gag , i will give a d plus . as for the workmanship on the hand , it  oh . thats not right . you mocking me . oh , that is rich . stop your laughing . youre all banned . banned i tell you . breath short . left arm numb . cant go on describing symptoms much longer . i think hes had a heart attack . young man , youve had what we call a cardiac episode . worst episode ever . oh , not even close . if these boys hadnt called id be wearing that watch right now . im just kidding . but you would be dead . you saved my life . yeah . after you were so mean to us . so now were even . my prognosis  or is it diagnosis . whichever . you need to avoid stress . now what kind of work do you do . i run a comic book store . oh , dear lord . we call that profession the widow maker . or we would if any of the proprietors were married . you should close down the store for a while . but id lose all my business to frodos of shelbyville . well , then get a friend to run it for you . you do have friends , dont you . well , the super friends . well , you should get some friends who arent printed on paper . what . you mean action figures . well run the store for ya . two running my store . i mean wait . what is this . bizarro world . calm down . dont make me put a dog heart in there . can you believe it , bart . were actually running a comic book store . looks like our lifetime ban just expired . sorry . sorry . okay . heres comic book guys instructions . a carton of malted milk balls , one box confectioners sugar a can of chocolate frosting  thats just his shopping list . no . its his instructions . well , were gonna make some changes around here . this stores gonna be run by kids and for kids . you said it , partner . ah , nice to see ya . hey , how about that bloodzilla . vampire dinosaur . oh , you cant make that stuff up . the death of sad sack . this better not be another fake out . uh uh . you gotta be inches tall for the adult section . please . okay . but get on your tippie toes . everybodys hugging . hey , bart . lfinished organizing the stockroom . mark down the poochie crap . then unstick all the supergirls . you know , if were partners , maybe you should do some of the work . less barking , more marking . yes , sir , partner . now , when youve got a bum ticker like we do you need all the friends you can get . and moes is the friendliest place in the rum district . get out and take your sacajawea dollars with ya . ill give you till three . one  hey , homer , whos the manatee . ah , now , be nice , moe . this guy just got outta the hospital . ah , sorry . let me buy you a drink . very well . i will have a shot of cranberry schnapps . uh , these , theyre just painted on there . your choices are beer and , uh , egg soakings . ill pass . beer is the nectar of the nitwit . hey , you knockin beer . nobody bad mouths duff . ah , a piece a crap . come on . youre here to make friends . oh , please . if i wanted to hear mindless droning , id befriend an air conditioner . oh , now hes ragging on air conditioners . hey , they keep us cool in the summer , pal . get him . and stay out . is there a word in klingon for loneliness . ah , yes . garl dack . milhouse , im impressed . the store is so busy . you and bart are really great businessmen . well , im really the brains . barts just the eye candy . hi , eric reynolds , plan nine comics . is the manager here . well , im kinda the comanager . tough break , toots . i need a man who answers to no one . a full manager . hotchie machie . i can help you , sir . and i answer to no one . hmm . well , then youll want to stock up on our new superhero . would you say hes the ultimate superhero . oh , very ultimate indeed . point your peepers at biclops . a superhero with glasses . oh , yeah . thick glasses . kinda like yours . so how many you need  sounds good . aw , thats too bad . theres a price break at a thousand . oh , man . ill take . human contact the final frontier . out of the way , tubby . well , pardon me , oldie hawn . why , you ill mannered sack of crap . oh , goody . now i know whatever happened to babyjane . you are the rudest man who ever bought me dinner . correction . i do not believe i have ever bought you  oh . so how many issues of biclops would you like . biclops . whos his girlfriend , lois lame . hes kinda afraid of girls . it doesnt even smack good . how could you spend all our money on a comic book published by lenscrafters . well never sell these . birds wont even use them in their nests . okay . so i made one bad decision . its my fault for leaving you in charge . sometimes i forget how young you are . im only three months younger than you . oh , look . youre getting cranky . you havent had your juice . well , my straw broke off in the carton . thats not the point . were supposed to be partners . and youre pushing me around like a playskool corn popper . its a vacuum cleaner , milhouse . whatever . i demand respect . i have feelings . im a human boy , just like you . shh . use your indoor voice . okay , thats it . huh . oh . en garde . oh . eat watering can , partner . whoa . comic book guys secret stash . look at all these bootleg videos . alien autopsy . illegal alien autopsy . godfather iil good version . hes got the tape of kent brockman picking his nose . look . hes picking his nose . ill be right down . im just putting on my witch hazel . ow . ow . ow . ow . so , uh , your mother tells me you go to springfield elementary . exactly what is your interest in my mother . she makes me laugh . here i come . good lord , mother . i can see your figure . oh , you see a lot more when you do my daily mole check . what i do for my allowance money is nobodys business . hes not nobody . he might even be your new daddy . police informant tape . these are never supposed to leave the station . i really hate to be a snitch . dont worry . your yellow bellied ratting will be held in the strictest confidence . well , in that case , my neighbor homer released a radioactive ape in my house . its , uh  its taken over the whole top floor . it wasnt dads fault . the ape tricked him . whats next . mister rogers drunk . well , what do you mean i cant take off my sweater . im hot . you know , ill bet kids would pay to see this stuff . we could have a midnight screening right here in the store . thats actually a great idea , milhouse . really . well , i was due . ill say partner . so many restaurants . oh , i cant decide . i throw myself on the mercy of the food court . um , i guess ill have the chicken tandoori . and ill have the beef wellington . oh , look at you two . you look so coupley . yes , well , were a perfect match . her sneer just lights up my day . and were always finishing each others insults . and they called it puppy love oh , i guess theyll never know oh , that does my heart good . how a young heart really feels oh . and i love her so sunsets . thank god theres only one of these a day . could it be any more orange . i must warn you that once this next tape starts it will not stop because that button is broken . lets watch . if you are watching this tape , you are the president of the united states . hello , sir , or maam . hopefully sir . got that right . yes . the town of springfield has been classified n . w . b . or nuclear whipping boy . in the first moments of a nuclear war , springfield will be bombed at will by all friendly nations to calibrate their missiles . yea . now for total security , i will terminate the cameraman . thanks a lot , steve . all right , this is a raid . well , this place has got more pirated tapes than , uh  a chinese kmart . well , thatll have to do . are these yours , son . no , sir . we were just exhibiting them for profit without permission . fair enough . but the owner is in more hot water than  ajapanese tea bag . why dont you lay off the asians , lou . well , youve changed me , agnes . maybe there is room in my store for romance comics . nobodyll buy those . your store smells . now kiss me , funny face . all right . oh . oh , dear god . cover your eyes , boys . its okay , man . if it doesnt affect you , youre not human . uh , comic book guy , youre under arrest for the possession of illegal videos . but well reduce the sentence if you put your pants on fast . god . come on , romeo . they cant lock me up for long , agnes . will you wait for me . are you crazy . my bones are half dust . well , we may not have the store but at least were friends again . yep . and we havent been to school in days and days and days . oh , well . looks like everythings back to normal . ow . look , if you want me to turn , just point . thats  ow . its one way . ow . now what was that for . ow . now what was that for . ow . ow . ow . shh . why , you ill mannered sack of crap . springfield . aaah . aaah . oh . cool . oh . aaah . oh . aaah . aaah . oh . aaah . hmm . stop that . and get ready . were going to the old folks talent show . now get washed up . with pleasure . ever notice after dialysis you always get the munchies . hes saying the stuff we all forgot . and you know what i cant open . cabinets . can he say that . you know what else scares me . everything . get that one . faster . you gotta have time for the other ones . oh . good . oh , no . that ones slowin down . oh , good . oh , that ones wobbly . oh , you got that before i even said it . whats new , pussycat ow , whats new , pussycat oh , god , no wasnt he great , folks . now , all the contestants are gonna receive extra servings of honey mush . but there can only be one winner and , uh , since abes already standing here , what the heck . wow . a free auto . no , keep reading . oh . hey , lets get this down to the funeral home before they try to back out . hmm . well , this autopsy coupon appears to be valid . what other funerary services may be provide for the predeceased . oh , the whole deal  coffin , tombstone , anti stink spray . sir , we prefer the term casket to coffin and monument to tombstone . we have all the leading brands of anti stink spray . what funny names . hes heading into dead mans curve . aaah . get me out ofhere . oh , the living . well , fortunately , this model features the cadaver cam . look at him go . that thing got picture in . of course . this is the contempo . aw , geez . how come they never call traveling anymore . this is the deluxe area . the caskets are buried in unused , virgin graves the monuments are completely self cleaning and there is an optional weeping widow service . wally , . irving . oh , irving . oh , bury me over here . please . whoa , . this is gettin kind of pricey . sir , what lies beyond this life is a mystery but we do know for sure that god prefers people who travel in style . hear that . if you cheapskate me into hell , ill haunt you good . imagine this when youre sittin on the john . okay . okay , with mole insurance , your total comes to . what . or you could just toss him in the woods and let the wolves carry him off . its really up to you . mr . salesman . yes . were gonna go with the wolves . beat it . dad , i love you this much . but thats just under . i wish i could go but  hmm . hmm . sir , if i may , think of it as an investment in extravagance . the mauso palooza can be seen from space . itll consume as much cement as a regulation size tennis court . tennis court , eh . oh , i cant believe we went through all that just to wind up with a tennis court . i bet you didnt see that comin . you dont care what happens to me when i die . of course i do , dad . aw . and if it were up to me , you wouldnt die at all . but try telling that to killy mcgee up there . hey , what on earth are you doing . practicing tennis . thats tennis . then whats the one where the chicks whale on each other . foxy boxing . yes . thats what i wanted . and finally , make sure the net is tight and springy . hmm . that seems about right . you know , a tennis court can really make your house look classy . i hear mel brooks has one . i mean sir mel brooks . and its bad news for the gophers . and its gonna do wonders for our social life . yeah . itd be nice to entertain friends and have people over . hey , you got a tennis court . keep walkin , flanders . will do . faster . sorry . i grunted way too early . we win again . hey , this was a lot of fun , guys . yeah , we never knew nobody with their own tennis rink . so what happens now . is the food free , or do we pay someone . course not . they send ya a bill . well , thats why i asked . thats how you learn  by asking , you dumb ass . can you believe it . kent brockman playing on our court . match point . and how about that stephanie the weather girl . homer , ball . thats game , set and match to us . but the real winners here are marges hors doeuvres . wow . how do you come up with such witty remarks . well  come on , come on . hurry up . i guess you could say its my racket . i guess you could say im iraqi . get off my property . so from now on all hats are banned from the school . even bonnets . especially bonnets . ive had it with that school . door . oh . chief wiggum . are you here to make a bust of some kind . no , were just , uh , checking  to make sure youre having a crime free morning . as far as i know . hey , you know what would be a real crime . whats that , lou . lettin that tennis court go to waste . would you boys like to play tennis . why , yes . yes , we would . okay . well be right out . lets roll , lou . take it , lou . huh . well . hello , marge . lovely day for tennis , eh . i thought you had your own court . he did , but he had it converted into a human chessboard . hey , burns has been gone for a while . lets make a run for it . come back , fools . protect me . hey , check it out . im surfing the net . oh , thats good . his clowning around is putting me at ease . no . yes . we win again . will you get serious , homer . id like to win at least once . come on , marge . all sports have their lovable clowns  john rocker , o . j . simpson , dorf . hey , homer , heres a bloopie for you . ive got it . its in the bag . oh . mm mmm . hey , chief , were gonna bust up that crack house tonight . we did that last night . yeah , but this time we got the right address . uh , you comin . id love to , lou , but uh , im playing tennis at the simpsons again . oh , maggie , are your ears burning . the simpsons . you mean the l . a . clippers of backyard tennis . yeah . theyre easier to beat than a suspect in shackles . pretty easy to beat a suspect in shackles , chief . thats a joke , lou  its on the simpsons and their easy beatability . i think they enjoy being humiliated . i dont know whats sadder about the simpsons  the fact that we mock them , or that they shall never know . never , ever , . ever . do i have cooties . no . aw , this home testing kit saved me a fortune . youll never guess what i heard in the supermarket today . i found out were the laughingstock of the town . oh . well , thats bad news for dingbat charlie . hes gonna be crushed . i thought our tennis court was bringing us a little respectability . instead , people make fun of our lousiness . okay . now , some of that is me . all of that is you . youve gotta take this more seriously . okay , honey . i can see this means a lot to you . ill practice till my elbow is swollen and discolored . thats all i ask . no . its a smooth motion . you follow through with your racket . uh oh . you know , this is such a beautiful day . i dont know why we dont operate outside more often . time of death , . good news , honey . i found a way to prove to the town were not losers . ive entered us in a doubles tournament . what . were not ready to compete . dont worry . the tournaments not till tomorrow . okay , get ready for the serve . aaah . get em off . get em off . how embarrassing . you take over , bart . lisa . lisa , beer me . ill be right out , honey . oh , thats okay . barts doing fine . you just have another beer . now , thats the kind of nagging i can live with . so barneys , like , youre on your own , dude . and im , like , not even . i dont know what this has to do with the civil war . im getting to that . lookin good , honey . i think you and i might just win this tournament dealie . hey , bart . yeah . you got your daddys hustle . too busy to reply , huh . i know how that goes . well , i think ill go lay out my clothes for the tournament . perfect . well , im ready for the big tournament . hey there , son . oh , hi , dad . with that little outfit on everyones gonna think youre playing in the tournament . i am playing in the tournament . its gonna be tough without a partner . ive got a partner . well , good for you . anyone i know . yeah , you know her . oh . hello , homer . good morning , partner . uh , theres something i should tell you . the name of barts partner . im all ears . well , actually the name of barts partner is , uh  yes , darling . im barts partner . no . no , . youre my partner . dude , i think the ladys made her decision . im sorry , homie . well talk about it later , okay . no . traitors . uh oh . i dont think they saw me . im gonna put my trophy on the mantel . how about you . i was thinking mantel too . talk about being on the same wavelength . hello , marge . hello , bart . how are the tennis partners . oh , homie , im sorry i hurt your feelings . dont touch me . your hands feel like salad tongs . i just wanted to win for once . please dont take it as a threat to your manhood . my manhood . i never thought of that . we were good , dad . they asked us to play in the krusty klassic . its for charity . it benefits victims of balcony collapse . we can wipe out b . c . in our lifetime . i dont care about b . c . i care about m . e . my enjoyment . its obvious whats happening . im being replaced by a younger , more in your version of me . dad , youre just going through a classic oedipal anxiety . you remember the story of oedipus , dont you . well , maybe five bucks would refresh my memory . oedipus killed his father and married his mother . ugh . who pays for that wedding . im just saying you feel threatened by bart , but its all in your head . youre right . but just to be safe , maybe i should chain him up . dad , i think youre overreacting . i think youre under reacting . this sessions over . this sessions under . good bye . bad bye . no . no . stay away from my wife , bart . darling , youre so much handsomer than my first husband . i may have the looks , but hes the trophy husband . he thought that trip to the guillotine factory was just for fun but it was the perfect place to shoot him . thats the guy . thats the guy from my dream . go ahead and smile , smart guy . im gonna mop you up like turkey gravy . are you sure you want me to be your doubles partner . absolutely , sweetie . and youre not doing it out of spite . no , of course not . now , aim for your mothers heart . ew . dad , i dont want to enter the tournamentjust to hurt mom . oh , come on . youve been gunnin for queen bee ever since you buzzed into this hive . now serve . lisa . did you make that awful effigy . hey , leave my teammate alone . lisas your teammate . whats so funny . im better than you . now , lisa , you know thats not true . how would you know . your backhand looks like a rusty gate . well , you little  come on , bart . babies . telegram for lisa simpson . dont listen . its a trick . dear lisa . psych . psych , . signed , super psych . i think hes trying to psych you out . look , were all trying to have dinner so why dont we just  psych , . oh , where did you buy that novelty hand , sir . this . oh , its just fluid collecting . hey , . what do you think , folks . i hope i dont get arrested for racket earring . huh . huh . aw , what do you want . im not gonna do a material for charity . and after all , that is why were here . well , look whos here . you two are goin down . no , were not . youre going down . did you hear that . she said were going down . all we can do is play our very best . oh , thats loser talk . now id like to introduce two of the tennis worlds most unbeatable players  venus and serena williams . unbeatable , eh . comin through . hey , hi , otto . sorry . what are you doing . thats our dads seat . hey , thats great . listen , i need a new doubles partner . my little girls a lead weight . youre dumping your own daughter . yeah , but only to crush my wife and son . thats horrible . yeah , thats pretty low . hmm . you seem less disgusted . lets go . aaah . our next match is marge and bart simpson  boo . you rot . versus homer and lisa  bup bup . sorry . thats homer and venus simpson . venus simpson . youre replacing me . now , lisa , dumping is such a harsh word . lets just say im replacing you . fifteen love . once again , im outraged by this last minute switch . we all got problems . i dropped my cookie . you sure you wanna risk it . its totally unfair for one side to have a professional player . all right , all right . you guys can have serena . i just ate a personal pizza . youre dumping me . honey , ill make it up to you in bottle rockets . okay , swing . run . hit the thing . now run across the  yeah . whoopsie . marge , how bad do you wanna win . oh . oh , id do anything . good . yo , pete . pete sampras . hmm . get over here . yes . im in . hmm . everybodys been dumped but me . im un dumpable . yoink . my tennis stick . who are you . im andre agassi . the wrestler . come on , tubby . get off the court . scat . come on , lets play . ive gotta tape a ho hos commercial . which one am i , serena or venus . youre andre . im serena . youre a girl . why dont we stop this nonsense . im not mad anymore . me neither . im just enjoying some world class tennis . you know , theres a lesson here for all of us  its better to watch stuff than to do stuff . amen . after the tournament , lets go out for a nice family dinner . courtesy of pete sampras . d oh . sorry . sucker . shh . springfield . oh , doctor , im crazy . welcome back to americas favorite game show  me wantee . and heres that question asking guy , virgil sinclair . all right , moe szyslak . yes , virgil . yesterday , we asked if you wanted to risk it all for . and you stalled for minutes . yes . yes , i did . i was told to . hey , thats great . but now we must have your answer in the next or minutes . oh . you want some of this . well , do ya . i can honestly say i do . all right then . for half a million dollars which of the following is not a subatomic particle . oy . oh , boy . all right , lets see here . uh , well , i was born in indiana . so that aint it . and , uh  hmm . i better call my lifeline . hello . hey , moe . were watching you on tv . yeah , i know , homer . so , hows that bowel obstruction doing . homer , please . i got a nuclear type question here . well , it all starts when a nulecule comes out of its nest . the answer is bonbon . im gonna say bonbon . bonbon , eh , moe . is that your ultimate response . yeah huh . ohh . you are correct . well , moe , would you like to stop where you are , or try for one million dollars . well , gee , i really do love currency . but , um , i think im gonna play it safe and stick with what i got . youre the boss . yes , i am . aw , this quiz show crap is just a fad . fad or not , its here to stay . and its killing your show in the ratings . what do you want from me . i do a kids show . and its a classic . we just want you to open it up . run wild , shatter the boundaries , slash and burn . without alienating anyone . oy . these ferkachted network notes . can you believe this . all were saying is be dangerous , but warm . and edgy cute . did that exit work for you . id like to see it without the scream . i was just thinking that . hey , kids . lets hear it for madam mimi and her cheese seeking poodles . well be back with a sketch set in the craziest place . a restaurant . and roll commercial . krusty , yeah , quick thought about this restaurant set . huh . could it look more like a diner . oh , the seinfeld diner . are you nuts . im on in five seconds . cause the great thing about seinfeld was the  youre on , krusty . ah , nothing like a meal in a fine restaurant . ah , here comes the waitress . were losing male teens . can you get jiggy with something . youre giving me notes while im on the air . that tears it . folks , ive been in show biz for years . but now these jerks have sucked all the fun out . i dont need suits telling me which way to pee . for pee , could you substitute whiz . i dont know . that could upset the cheez whiz people . i was just thinking that . i cant take it anymore . folks , dont miss this fridays show . itll be my last . quitting show biz . no , i like the area . but where does it go . get away from me . wait . we have more notes . get off , damn you . you can kill me , but two more will take my place . i cant believe krustys retiring . this is tragic . a world without krusty . what would that be like . whats on tv . nutsy the clown . oh , boy . oh , boy . oh , boy . well , i think its good for a show to go off the air before it becomes stale and repetitive . maggie shot mr . burns again . krusty the clowns retirement has provoked an outpouring of anguish not seen since the small plane crash that killed the banana splits . we now go live to krustylu studios . whats the mood there , chief clancy wiggum . these kids are getting a little out of hand , kent . so were gonna have to fire the time out gas . hey , kent , are you guys still having that contest where we guess what city the weather girls in . that was eight years ago . is it pittsburgh . i spoke to krusty about his legacy of laughter . kent , the young people today , they think comedy is dirty words . its not . its words that sound dirty , like mukluk . mukluk . you like that . no charge . mukluk . mukluk . oh , can it , you tiresome tot sitter . i was the risible one in our dyad . ever watch the old episodes . oh , kent , thats a sad story . i taped over all my old episodes . oh , you know , i had a thing forjudgejudy and blank tape was .  . what would you do . those are my shows . frankly , kent , those episodes were no big loss . the show didnt really get funny until we fired sideshow bob and hired whozits . youve erased my past . now ill erase your future . hey , . lights out . oh , honestly . at chino they get to stay up till . now , bob , ive talked to the warden at chino and thats just not true . your honor , my incarceration is cruel and unusual punishment . your honor , my incarceration is cruel and unusual punishment . first , my prison issued shower sandals are grossly undersized . secondly , the prison book club consists mainly of prisoners who club me with books . these are from the new tom clancy . although its less painful than reading him . am i right , folks . motion granted . release the prisoner . now dont try anything funny this time , bob . im gonna be on you like red beans on  hey , dont walk so fast . hey , no fair . you got long legs . i got these little bitty hooves . bob . okay , heres your storage locker . just the way you left it . thank you , raphael . now this is a ticklish question , but  you want to live in the box . cost you two bucks a day . oh , thank you , kind innkeeper . you gonna want a wake up jab . please . no problemo . hiya , neighbor . hey , what what you writing there . if you must know , its an exquisite scheme for revenge . revenge , huh . half the guys in here are working on that . well , mines better . phase one begins in nine , eight  oh , i cant wait . now , bob , your graduate degrees more than qualify you to be assistant janitor . my blushes . but i am a bit troubled by your constant attempts to murder people . to be fair , most of those people were bart simpson . good luck . that kids like the road runner . he wont go down . tell me about it . hey . you know , bob your voice would be perfect for the schools morning announcements . attention . the french club picnic has been canceled . quel dommage . youre hired . it begins . i mean , my announcing career . thats whats beginning . good morning , springfield elementary . in the lost and found today , we have one plaid kilt . i believe the clan is graham monroe . oh . this new morning announcer sounds awfully familiar . and finally , bart simpson should immediately proceed unescorted to the old sports equipment shed behind the school . so long , suckers . ring around the rosie . hello , bart . oh , its you , bob . how you doing . no screams . not even an eep . hey , im not afraid of you . every time we tangle , you wind up in jail . im and . ill admit that the record is a little one sided . but this time , i cannot fail . rakes . my old archenemy . i thought i was your archenemy . i have a life outside of you , bart . what are you gonna do to me . oh , believe me , i have a plan . lets see . get job as school announcer . lure bart to shed . secure same to chair with rope . ah , here we are . have bart kill krusty . krusty . thats the one man i would never kill . oh , you will kill krusty during his final show . and you wont even know youre doing it . watch the shiny quarter , bart . thats it . oh , damn it . whered it go . i needed that for laundry . hey , stupid . you looked . yes . that will do . watch the spiral , bart . let it entrance you with its twirliness . twirliness . you are in my power . i am at your command . i didnt say anything about command . youre in my power . say so . i am in your power . excellent . actually , go back to command . no , power . power . look . krusty invited us to the taping of his last episode . hello , family . where have you been , young man . its nearly bedtime . i was  i was  if anyone asks , you were at the flower shop . i was at the flower shop . oh , yeah . uh , i was at the flower shop too . yep , getting drunk at the old flower shop . now to see if you will really attack your hero . yes . yes . work the groin . excuse me . could you take our picture . aye uh . it should focus automatically . it do . chief , you might want to take a look outside . thats it . kill krusty . just like youll kill him tomorrow night . oh , its so great to see a kid using a wooden bat . these days , its all aluminum this and george w . that . hey , chief , look what i got in my laffy meal . aw , mini pinball . hey , give that back . give what back , lou . oh , yeah . good evening , folks . and welcome to my final clown cast . the word legend has many definitions . this is for sideshow bob . marvelous , . funny till the end . moment of silence . well , its my show now . thank you . thank you . thank you . hmm . oh . just a dream . but tonight i will taste the sweet nectar of vengeance . bug spray . kent brockman here at krusty the clowns final show . and here comes out of actor ranier wolfcastle . someone please give me a job . ive lowered my quote to eight million . hear that , hollywood . the boy wants to work . i do nude scene , i play nerd . dont make me punch your throat . always a delight . and now , retiring for the fifth and final time krusty the clown . thank you , folks . now fasten your funny belts as our own chimpendales dancer gives you the full monkey . i believe in miracles take it off . where you from , you sexy thing sexy thing , you bart . bart . its time , bart . time to blow up the clown . time to blow up the clown . go . blow . and now a special treat . my tv debut on the milk of magnesias summer cavalcade . lets watch . look at me . im kaputnik , the russian satellite . oh , the bolshois doing the nutcracker in my pants . back then you couldnt say pants on tv . i was banned for years . finally i got a second chance on laugh in . hey , krusty . what do you get when you cross a chicken with a bagel . the ferkachted doors are stuck . dontjust stare , arte . help me . those lousy shutters set me back another years . mmm . thats good plastic explosive . now , my little hypno assassin your cue to attack will be when krusty says ive never had such a great audience . you will run up and hug him , blowing each of you to smithereens . whatever . now were gonna show you some clips from  oh , no . i wanted to keep this quiet . can i embarrass this guy for a moment . three years ago , krusty pledged over a million dollars to start krustys care centers . please , stop already . to this day , krusty has not given us a dime . has he , frances . im cold all the time . oh , look . it was all a bookkeeping snafu . can i have the check now . now . eh  uh , sure . god bless you , krusty . and if my bankers watching let nothing stop you from payment of this check . ah , the catwalk . a perfect vantage point for revenge . ah , kettle chips . the perfect side dish for revenge . what a special night . and you know something . ive never had such a great audience . hmm . weve had a lot of laughs  well , krusty this is your waterloo . soon youll be napolon blownapart . ew . terrible . oh , hush up , leo . you know , id like to thank god for all my success even though i never worshipped or believed in him in any way . but before i sweep up my last spotlight theres one thing ive gotta say . over the years , ive  a lot of whoa and ive  my share of  aooga . but theres only one thing im ashamed of . ashamed . there was a man who used to work for me . a man of grace and humor . but i mistreated him and drove him to a life of crime . so wherever you are , i just want to say sideshow bob , im sorry . oh , bob , you repaid my abuse with raw hatred but i need you today oh , bob well , you went to apus and you framed me so they locked me away oh , that sweet , funny man . oh , no . my boy bomb . well , good night and  ah , look . its a towheaded little fan . what do you say , folks . should i hug him . no . hmm . oh , god . a bomb . i was just thinking that . hmm . what happened . was anyone hurt . just some network executives . we have notes . have you thought about dave chappelle . destroy . okay , everybody . say funny . funny . perfect . krusty , im so sorry about the attempted murder . will ya stop with the sorry . every time you try to kill me my ratings go through the roof , you nut . we are good together , krusty . it makes me sad that youre getting the death penalty . oh . dont remind me . okay , where do you wanna do this thing . isnt it customary to have a trial . oh , a wise guy , huh . shh . mukluk . springfield . welcome back to great moments in olympic history . at the berlin games , jesse owens humiliates adolph hitler by outracing his zeppelin . mexico city . bob beamon shatters the world long jump record . ow . and in portugals carlos lopez becomes the oldest olympic marathon winner ever at age . thirty eight . thats roughly my age . marge , after a lot of thought ive decided to run the springfield marathon . oh , please . you get exhausted watching the twilight zone marathon . im a regular billy crystal . you got that right . well , dad , i think runnings good exercise . it adds years to your life . stay out of this , lisa . marge , ive made up my mind . ill do your job for a day , and you do mine . then well see who has it tougher . good afternoon . and welcome to the th springfield marathon commemorating the time jebediah springfield ran across six states to avoid his creditors . you got all your equipment , dad . lets see . sweatbands , check . anti chafing nipple tape , check , and check . attention , runners . on your mark , get set now get outta here before i change my mind . i cant believe it . im actually running a marathon . i hit the wall . this is so painful . hey , i got my second wind . another wall . i just  whoo hoo . third wind . faster , rickshaw driver . faster . ow . sir , the whip isnt helping . silence . you call yourself chinese . no one can outrun the flash . curses . one of my super foes has set a trap for me . hey , grampas running . thats not grampa . dads just dehydrated . and with yards to go the runners from australia and djibouti are neck and neck . two weary warriors now burning with pain and exhaustion . but only one will win the grand prize a walking tour of springfield . that tour is mine . well , hold the phone , dora . a new challenger has emerged out of nowhere . hes running on sheer pluck , moxie and grit . all of which hell be tested for after the race . hey , i winna the race . viva italia . folks , our winner seems to be from italy . i love a you all . i use up all of my english . grazie , springfield . hes a phony . lousy cheater . i demand a re race . i got a better idea . lets have a fun run on his trachea . yeah . kill him . make him pay . get in . hurry . mob , stranger . mob , stranger . stranger . who are you . oh , youll find out in due time . well , it says here your name is l . t . smash . the time has come . im l . t . smash . thank you so much for saving our son from that murderous mob . well , thank you for letting me chill in your crib . and thank you for assuming were hip . all right , now heres the . im a record producer , see . im starting a new boy band . and theres a place in it for bart . my bart . oh , yeah . that stunt he pulled at the race shows me hes the bad boy im looking for . now listen to me , smash . were not signing anything unless its a contract . why do you want bart . hes not much of a singer . marge , its not the singing that brings in the sacagaweas . barts a rebel . and thats what i need for my new band , the party posse . now hold on . i have some concerns . please , mom . my dream is to be a rock star . and my dream is to get rid of bart . but  how many lives must you ruin . oh , okay . bart , i want you to meet and greet the other members of the party posse . hes smart , hes soulful hes milhouse . what up , g money . next , hell break your nose , your glasses and your heart . nelson . wait . these are just guys from school . whos next . ralph wiggum . whee . im a pop sensation . and im the mack daddy behind such groups as new kids in the ditch and boy nudo . im gonna make you stars . sneer , . two , three , four , and thrust . and grab yourself right there . now lets go and flirt . you call that a flirt . im not melting . okay . tudes are fly and your threads are dope . all thats left is the singing . party posse , we rule the earth . the greatest band since musics birth . isnt this song a little boastful . no one told me there was gonna be boasting . just take it from the top . party posse we rule the earth the greatest band since musics birth ew . thank you , nasa . we love to sweat and we love to sing were real funky but not threatening were the best band in the world but wed give it all up for that special girl youre my special girl special girl youre my special girl only you so from now on , anything caught in your zipper will be handled by the school nurse and not me . and now , are you adequately prepared to rock . silence . here they are , the party posse . hello , springfield . now heres a song that your principal skinner doesnt want us to play . boo . thats not true . this assembly was my idea . i like your brand of inoffensive pop rock . screw you , man . were gonna play it anyway . hmph . i saw you last night at the spelling bee i knew right then that it was l u i gotta spell out what you mean to me cause i can no longer be a silent g ive gotta spell out ive gotta spell out ive gotta spell out what you mean to me man , theyre gonna be big . and you stood in their way . no , i didnt . i even came in early and made orange drink . orange drink . what . do you live with your mama . she lives with me . a silent g i cant believe it . they loved us . im wearing a bathrobe and im not even sick . yo , dudes , awesome show . its nsync . word . what brings you to springfield . we saw your band formation notice in the paper . really . you saw our b . f . n . i cant believe im meeting milhouse . word . so anyway , we brought you this wicked gift basket . stubble glitter , a crowd taser . crowd taser . yeah . its perfect for getting through the fans to your limousine . ow . yo . dudes , we gotta go . our clothes are getting a little out of . to the bandana republic . word . now we gotta send them a basket . oh , yeah . thats the spot . that is perfect . mom , cant bart get his massage somewhere else . dont be selfish , lisa . will you two shut up . im missing precious v . j . prattle . whoo . that was the latest ad for stridex pads , medicated . okay , coming at ya , a world premiere video from p squared . thats the party posse . whoo . yeah . all right . rock . whoo . oh , say can you rock theres trouble in a far off nation time to get in love formation your loves more deadly than saddam and thats why i gotta drop da bomb party posse . yvan eht nioj eht nioj yvan eht nioj you gotta love that crazy chorus . what does it mean . it doesnt mean anything . its like rama lama ding dong or give peace a chance . this partys happenin its no mirage so sing it again yvan eht nioj yvan eht nioj theres something weird about this video . none of those girls has had three kids , i can tell you that . no . something else . yvan eht nioj . they keep saying that . wait . what was that . uncle sam . let me play this backwards . join the navy join the navy . theyre recruiting people with subliminal messages . otto , what are you doing . i dont know . i just got an urge to join the navy . youre being brainwashed . yeah , probably . yvan eht nioj . l . t . thank god youre here . the governments putting subliminal messages in your videos . subliminal messages . do you have any idea how insane that sounds . is that a navy tattoo . a navy tattoo . do you have any idea how insane that sounds . lieutenant smash . yeah , thats right . lieutenant l . t . smash . a wig . but  your pant legs . how could you soil the good name of star blitzzz promotions . oh , come on , lisa . weve always used pop stars to recruit people . going back to elvis . then there was sgt . peppers the captain tennille , and the kiss army . but you have recruiting ads on tv . why do you need subliminal messages . its a three pronged attack . subliminal , liminal , and super liminal . super liminal . ill show you . hey , you . join the navy . uh , yeah , all right . im in . well , now that you know , lisa im afraid i cant let you leave . oh . wait a minute . barts band is brainwashing kids with subliminal messages . thats pretty far fetched, , lisa . are you sure someone hasnt been bitten by the jealousy bug . here comes the jealousy bug . gonna get ya . gonna get ya . hey . stop . cut it out . youre a grown man . i want to go home now . nobodys going home . were going to see barts concert . an aircraft carrier . oh , thats subtle . good afternoon , and welcome to the u . s . s . sea spanker . are you ready to tear it up . i cant hear you . do you maggots want to see a show or not . i mean , uh  here they are . the party posse . had a girl in every port from here to barcelona but now im back in springfield and , girl im gonna phone ya i stormed a lot of beaches but youre the one that i miss lets get back together , girl lets reenlist ow . hot , . so sign me up for a hitch of love recruit my heart four sweet years of love everybody ball walk . oh , yeah . looking good , guys . and double time . thats it . protect the country . groovy , dude . burn down the barbershops . i hate america . lieutenant . lieutenant smash . huh . oh , admiral . hup . the hippie fantasy again . theyre getting less frequent , sir . excellent . well , theres no easy way to say this . the new administration is shutting down project boy band . shutting it down . permission to say thats crazy , sir . you wont say its crazy when you see next weeks issue of mad magazine . oh , dear god . when this satirical bombshell hits the stands tomorrow your band will have as much recruiting power as a wax apple . i dont follow , sir . its over , l . t . lets march all day and clean latrines all night dont bust me down lets re up tonight lets re up tonight im outta here . you fool . look what youve done . well , now its my turn . dont do it , l . t . you leave me no choice . no . no . so , what songs did i miss . dad , l . t . s gone crazy . yeah . thats the look . think hes gonna do something dangerous . how should i know . just keep loading missiles . pop musics hard work . the statue of liberty . where are we . all right , posse , thats our target . not mad . thats our nations largest mental illness themed humor magazine . why dont we call it everybody hates raymond . well , we stayed up all night , but it was worth it . we cant let l . t . blow up mad . tina brown was just starting to turn it around . we gotta mellow him out . but how . we would need the ultimate chill out song . and fast . we heard what you said . yeah . heard it old school . its nsync . can the chitchat , milhouse . weve got just the song you need to defuse this whack attack . defuse it old school . bout time . radical . awesome . i cant read . i cant sing without dancing . fine . thrust , spin , turn . pivot , pout , jiggy . jiggy , robot , do si . and close with a matrix . nobody pouts going into a jiggy . yeah . thats stupid . i want to twirl . aw , come on , guys . weve only got a few minutes . uh oh . everybody okay . uh , yeah . yeah . im fine . thanks . i actually feel better . well , boys , the party posse is over . but at least i saved you from a public spoofing . aw , man . we couldve been on the cover of mad . they called me smelson . ha ha . smelson . its funny cause you smell . smelson . i couldve thought of that . sure ya couldve . off ya go now . you know , weve had a lot of fun tonight at the expense of the u . s . navy . but theyre out there every day protecting us from godzilla . and dont forget pirates . and jellyfish . those whack invertebrates will sting you , old school . so check out the navy for a two  or a four year hitch . we signed j . c . up yesterday . what . no o . join the navy join the navy join the navy its nsync . doh . i cant believe im meeting milhouse . yeah . heard it old school . no o . bart was so cool . little short . hes about this tall . dont print that . word . itjust sounds like something i would say . shh . springfield . whoo ohh . are you sick of ordinary shaped amusement parks . am i ever . then be the first family on your block to visit blockoland the amusement park made entirely of blocko brand assembly fun blocks . so , how much did you love blockoland . it was all right , i guess . kids , how would you like to go to blockoland . meh . but the tv gave me the impression that  we said , meh . m e . meh . well , id like to go . how about you , maggie . aww . huh . maggie , no . ow . ow . ow . ow . ow . ow . ow . ow . were here . howdy , partner . four score and seven blocks ago , my  aah . aah . ow . ow . ow . ow . ow . whee . okay . we have our choice of rectangle land cube country or squaresville . squaresville sounds pretty cool . i am a robot . do what i say . i am a washing machine . do what i say . take that . in the face . you knocked his block off . come with me . check it out . i built myself a healthy apple . but you made it out of ham cubes . yup . a shiny new apple . i get it . everythings made of blocks . even the water . uh , hey . ow . hey , boat stop splashing . what are you gonna do about it . uh oh . aah . leeches . ow . why did i get this lego shirt . dont you mean blocko shirt . right , . blocko shirt . lisa , hows your eiffel tower kit . its okay , but its missing a piece . welcome to real life , lisa . you cant fight city hall , a . k . a . blockoland . so dont even try . what kind of a thing is that to tell your children . its what i always tell them . i told them that twice yesterday , and then again as they were going to sleep . im sure the gift shop will replace the missing piece . youre right , honey . hear that , kids . the simpsons are going to blockoland . yea . excuse me . you sold my little girl a shoddy eiffel tower . hey , tough luck , pal . you cant fight the souvenir industry . were too powerful . yeah , youre right . but before i go , im gonna give you a little souvenir of my own . oh , what the hey . here you go . thank you , dad . hey , any friend of marge is a friend of mine . so , hows that new block i got ya . great . you know , standing up for the little guy felt good . im gonna do it more often . mmm . hmm . scram . those bullies are gone now . you idiot . they were beating out my shirt fire . my heart was in the right place , jerk . there . thanks again , dad . well , youre welcome , honey . now im gonna spend the whole day helping schmoes with their problems . got a problem , bart . the girl at school wont go to the dance with me . barts got a girlfriend . no , i dont . thats the problem . barts got a problem . dont worry , son . ill handle this . come on . why wont you go out with bart . hes a smelly , ugly dork . please , ugly is such a smelly word . who would you rather go out with . tommy . well , duh . hes breathtaking . but bart has inner beauty , like youd find in a rodent . and face it , youre no prize either . you wear braces , you dress like a kid and youre not getting any younger . take what you can get . hes right . grab something and dont let go . well , barts not so bad . they wouldnt honor my coupon for two free streaks . they wouldnt . well , ill go to bat for you , honey . hmm . yes . may i help you . nice place you got here . oh , look . a hairnet . be a shame if it was hurled to the ground . oh . how clumsy of me . and  whoops . why are you doing these things . either you honor my wifes coupon , or a lot more lids will be unscrewed . but i cannot streak that much hair . think of the cost . id be ruined . oh , really . boy , you werent kidding . your profit margins are razor thin . you see . this is what im  wait a minute . but we must have it . it is the lifeblood of the industry . you get the same results with a mincing gel . but of course . i will save thousands . thank you . oh , homie , i love them . i cant thank you enough . the satisfaction of helping another human being is all the thanks l  et cetera . and i gave that man directions even though i didnt know the way cause thats the kind of guy i am this week . ah . lousy isotopes . theyre a disgrace to baseball . they lost again . mm hmm . the teams been terrible since they got bought by the cheap , heartless duff corporation . hey , moe . give me a duff . mmm . oh , yeah . sweet duff . wait a minute . duff owns the springfield isotopes . since when . they bought em a year ago from the mafia . it was the last of the family owned teams . i tried to return my season ticket , but they wouldnt give me my money back . they said they wanted it . say no more . ill help you , lenny . you want to help me . well , havent you heard . hes the new homer . hes wonderful . im trying to get a refund for this ticket . is this the executive office of the ball club . no . this is the equipment shed . oh . well , is that it . thats where we keep the water heater . is  thats a tractor . i see . sir , we cant give your friend a refund just because the team is losing . im sorry to hear that . spin that back the way it was . yes , sir . this meeting is over . okay . so , uh , you want to go get something to eat . no , i dont . get outta here . no , . not that door . albuquerque isotopes . what is all this stuff . its not anything . huh . it has no purpose . what a crazy room . theres no albuquerque isotopes . its the springfield  oh . no , . theres no oh . youre moving the team to albuquerque , arent you . no . no . we would never abandon our loyal springfield fans . by the way , all this barging into rooms marked private must have made you thirsty . would you like a beer . well , okay . but you cant silence homer simpson . im the friend of the downtrodden and im not gonna forget what i saw here today . of course not . duffman , could you bring in two bottles of smooth , untainted duff . oh , yeah . oh , yeah now , homer , weve developed this additive that makes beer super , malty . care to try it . wait a minute . will this erase my memory . no . not at all . ma  man , that is malty . but hell never know . good grief . oh . my head . how long have i been out here . all night . you were yelling at the swing . i was . but i love the swing . dad , you were nuts . you know me . occasionally , ill be quirky . ill be quirky . albuquerque . ill be right back . members of the media , thank you for coming . the proof that the isotopes are moving to albuquerque is right behind this door . excuse me . joel duffman , the newsly times . whats with the smear campaign against this beloved brewer . and werent you once in a loony bin . oh , yeah . hes right , folks . the only story here is the rich , smooth taste of duff . yes , that is an important story , but so is this . it  well , i think i know tomorrows headline local man is liar . that is a good headline . so let me get this straight , mr . duff . the isotopes are not moving to albuquerque . absolutely not . so are you calling homer simpson a liar . well , we have obtained this footage of him with his pants on fire . well , homie , i believe youre telling the truth about the isotopes . i dont mind being called a liar when im lying or about to lie , or just finished lying . but not when im telling the truth . yeah . but what can you do . theres all kinds of ways to get the public on your side . bob dylan wrote songs . cesar chavez staged hunger strikes . thats it . ill go on a hunger strike . homie , you couldnt keep up a hunger strike . you eat while you brush your teeth . youre eating a huge sausage right now . so . i can stop . and i will stop . im on a hunger strike starting right now . mmm . mmm . lets see those double a baseball honchos ignore this . youre really not gonna eat anything . my hunger strike will not end until duff admits theyre moving the team . bart , my chains . mm hmm . hmm . hmm . now it begins . dad , im so proud of you . if you need some inspiration , heres a book of mike farrells core beliefs . man , he really hates wayne rogers . mmm . good bye, , homie . heres dr . hibberts number if you feel weak . dont worry . duff s not gonna let me waste away to nothing . uh , dad . oh . what a great ball game . thanks , weekend dad . stop calling me that . hey , kid and man . dont support a team run by liars . liars . theyre secretly planning to move to albuquerque . thats crazy . it wouldve been on a talk radio show like sports chat or sportzilla and thejabberjocks . yeah . why , you little  oh , so hungry . cant give up . must continue fighting evil corporation . oh , seymour , you shouldnt have . its gonna go straight to my thighs . well , edna , it just might have some company . oh , seymour . what . nice try , god . but homer simpson doesnt give into temptation that easily . hey . stop that . ahh . theres still more meat loaf . oh , thats impossible . come on . come on . we all have to pitch in and eat your fathers share . why dont you just cook less . i dont do things that way , lisa . dancing away my hunger pangs moving my feet so my stomach wont hurt im kinda likejesus but not in a sacrilegious way geez . homers losing it already . yeah , but his weary shuffling makes my heart smile . im so hungry . his tummy sounds angry , daddy . yeah . thats his stomach eating itself . its such a beautiful day . where are the crowds . duffman is thrusting in the direction of the problem . hmm . people seem to be drawn to that kook . maybe we can exploit him . no , its too dangerous , sir . he knows about albuquerque . duffman is a cautious cat . no , listen . fans love wackos . remember that busty woman who ran out on the field and farted at the ballplayers . huh . i think weve found our newest attraction . duffman has a bad feeling about this . can it , sid . why dont you can it , howard . huh . wha whats going on . what am i doing here . order of mr . duff , and word to the wise . if someone hits a home run , the fireworks come out here and here . gotta go . folks , its time to meet a real super fan hungry homer . hes on a hunger strike till the topes win the pennant . what . thats not why im here . theyre moving the team to albuquerque . hear that , folks . he said , go , topes . oh . all this hunger for nothing . get your hot dogs . fat , juicy hot dogs . pork chops and applesauce . peking duck . get your crispy peking duck . yeah , duckman . over here . mmm . mmm . do they have to chew so loud . oh . im wasting away . im down to a b cup . its been a whole week . why are you letting my husband die . what does that have to do with baseball . death is a part of baseball . oh , yeah . the main part . guys . uh , we wont let any harm come to your husband , mrs . simpson . hell be fine . hes not moving . hes probably resting from all the moving he did before you got here . hell start moving in a second . im sure of it . turn on the sprinklers . you see there . hes fine . oh , look at him go . oh , im so hungry . oh , why keep starving myself . no one cares . hmm . hmm . who are you . the spirit of cesar chavez . why do you look like cesar romero . because you dont know what cesar chavez looks like . why are you here . to tell you not to give up . oh , but i wanna . hes talking to himself , sir . and his smell is distracting the center fielder . yeah . this is getting sad . lets bring him in . okay , skinny . on your feet . whats happening . did i crush your corporation . no . youre being replaced . and now , taking over for hungry homer lets welcome paint drinking pete . well , homer , your hunger strike lasted amazing days . oh . me so hungy . of course you are , hungry homer . so why not break your fast with our brand new isotope dog supreme . oh , . so hard to resist . mesquite grilled onions jalapeo relish . wait a minute . those are southwestern ingredients . mango lime salsa . thats the kind of bold flavor they enjoy in albuquerque . hes right . yeah . and the wrapper says albuquerque isotopes . homer was right . theyre planning to move the team . now , see here , people . lets not be too hasty . tell the truth . come on , everybody . tell the truth . tell the truth . get him out of here . tell the truth . tell the truth . dont listen to him , duffman . for once in your life , stand up for the little guy . new feelings brewing in duffman . what would jesus do . hey . hey . hey . whoa , . whoa . oh , yeah . yea . eat , . eat , . eat , . ahh . the truth never tasted so good . way to go , slim . damn . that towns got too much spirit . looks like well have to steal some other baseball team . see what dallas wants for the cowboys . uh , thats a football team , sir . theyll play what i tell em to play for i am the mayor of albuquerque . shh . springfield . hey , kids . look whos making breakfast . itchy and scratchy . thats right , kids . never start the day on an empty stomach . its delicious . want to try . yea . oh . so cold . wow . pink daggers . green hatchets . yellow ice picks . and stabby ohs are part of this nutritious breakfast . hey . if you guys made breakfast , wheres mom . here i am . but thanks to stabby ohs, , most of me is still in bed . that ad campaign may have crossed a line . ah , what can you do . sex sells . homer , youre still here . you should have left for work an hour ago . they said if i come in late again , im fired . i cant take that chance . and , kids , youre gonna miss the school bus . its only two blocks away . but i gotta spit . you can spit on the bus . uh , mom . not now , lisa . chew , . swallow , . mmm . aw , darn . looks like well have to stay home today . not on my watch . stop . stop . oh , you want to drag . yeah . im not racing . its me , marge simpson . no . you eat my dust . hoo hoo . whoa . its like speed only with a bus instead of a boat . i did it . i caught the school bus . now hurry up and get on . but , mom , the schools right here . i won . dont take that away from me . okay . everybody off . oops . almost forgot . picking up a new kid today . wow . a new kid . i wonder what theyre like . help me . help me . aw , man . red hair . whats she trying to pull . those shoes look canadian . shell never fit in . oh , its tough being the new kid . someone should go talk to her . yeah . somebody should . one hour dry cleaner . man , thats fast . kids gone . yep . its great to have some time just to ourselves , huh . you read my mind . so this coffees good , huh . yeah . the , uh  the milk really takes the edge off . you know , i think our marriage is  i got it . no , i got it . no , i do . your baby is dead . thats what youd hear if your baby fell victim to the thousands of death traps lurking in the average american home . springfield baby proofing . you you really scared us . sorry about that . but the truth is your baby , maggie simpson , is dead . dead tired of baby proofers who dont provide a free estimate . lets start in the kitchen . now , pretend im a baby . me like to explore . thats a pretty big caboose for a baby . homer , dont be wow, , that is huge . oh . pretty colors . me want a drink . oh . she got it open . you see how quickly your baby could have been drinking this similac baby formula . no . oh . this is such an eye opener . i always pictured the kids dying in the living room . okay . with the window bars , toilet latches dingo alarm and grapefruit squirt shield , your total cost would be  wow . im rich . three dollars . that doesnt seem so bad . thats the price of the clipboard . heres your estimate . mm hmm . hmm . we dont need your high price safety junk . thank you . look at the new kid hogging the teeter totter . its like she owns the place . yeah . she thinks shes babe pig in the city . give her a break . remember your first day at school . not as long as i keep taking these . well , someones gotta make her feel welcome . hi there . my names lisa . whats yours . now dont feel bad , honey . did you know back in grade school , i had a bully problem myself . everybody was kung fu fighting those cats were fast as lightning good times . why dont you try reaching out to this new girl . see if you two have a common interest . hmm . well , lots of people like jazz fusion . okay . thats in the maybe file . what if you two bond over your malibu stacy dolls . what if you two bond over your malibu stacy dolls . theyre not dolls . theyre aspiration figures . but it might work . that baby proofing crook wanted to sell us safety covers for the electrical outlets . but ill just draw bunny faces on them to scare maggie away . shes not afraid of bunnies . she will be . uh , francine . i think we got off to a bad start . so  hey . you like malibu stacy too . oh , yeah . and you like the same one i like with the grad student glamour pack just like the one in my iocker . thats mine , isnt it . tastes like yours . how aboutjazz . do you likejazz . i like jazz . milhouse . she got you too . yeah , but its not so bad . im standing on ralph . were a totem pole . there and there . see , honey . daddys protecting you from all the sharp , scary things . here . hold this a sec . ow . oh , my  ow . okay , maggie . put it down . ow . okay now . put  it  down . oh . okay . thats quite enough . its not funny anymore . doh . doh . no , . oh , homie . ow . oh . ow . now do you realize how unsafe the american home is . baby accidents occur every three minutes . im the one who told you that . yeah , but this is me talking . look . i already encased the telephone in concrete . how are you supposed to dial . reach into these holes . i use a carrot . isnt that a little excessive . i mean , how are the buttons dangerous . baby could order poison . oh , thats ridiculous . poison delivery service . a gift basket of poisons is on its way . oh , im a horrible mother . of course you are . marge , i finally discovered the reason god made me  to protect his tiniest , most breakable creatures . and ive got to share that gift with the world . ow . get her out of here . why you throwing tomatoes at yourself , huh . why you throwing tomatoes at yourself . your very question is faulty . youre faulty . knock , . what do you want . would you bullies be interested in some bodyguard work . oh , this is so funny . we were just talking about moving into protection . were offering a recess and lunch package thats very affordable . well , im gonna need full coverage . my bully is highly aggressive . check out these indian burns . good technique . check it out . ho ho . triple twist . nice work . you sure this was done by hand . yeah . shes a real purist . she . sorry . we dont do girls . they bite and kick and scratch . and sometimes we fall in love . wow . theres so much i dont understand about bullying . yeah . theres a lot of history there . did you know it predates agriculture . mm mmm . lets walk . finish the job . i just dont understand francines motivation . why does she only go after the smart ones . thats like asking the square root of a million . no one will ever know . someone will . im gonna crack the bully code . oh , de , doo , saving those babies and the soft spots on their head doo , problem a pointy deity . and ive got the perfect solution . hmm . oh , thank you . no more shiva related pokings . yeah . and , you know , down the line you might want to switch to a nice , round buddha . but we are hindu . so am i , but i dont get all huffy about it . just had a whim to go take a swim out on a limb just haul off andjump right in slow down buckle up take the time , rehearse always safety first ach . tis a mighty puddle of puke . im sorry . oh , thats all right , lad . it reminds me why i got into this business . willie , i need to see the school security tapes . security tapes . theres no security tapes . its hard to miss the cameras . aye . willies a stinkin liar . why does the school need to watch us all the time . school . oh , heres the tape i need . oh , my god . that roll of towels is nearing the end . ach . its on double red stripe . how did she know i was there . hey . that time she looked right at me and didnt touch me . hmm . of course . the nose clip . hey , willie . i think im onto something . check this out . not talking , eh , willie . just listen then . i think i figured out what sets off that big ape francine . willie . willie . whoa . aha . come on , people . move it . i want to see some sweat . i am not mastering another stair until you explain the purpose of this monstrous experiment . i believe the key to bullynerd antagonism lies in your drippings . then i shall drip like a pot roast . excellent . now dont mind the squeegee . ah . oh , the scraping seems wrong but it feels so right . and so , as , uh , heavyweight champion recognized by nine of the sanctioning bodies i sincerely urge you all to stay in school . uh , thank you . thank you , drederick tatum . that was truly a k . o . knockout oration . need a ride home . you really dont want that . trust me . mr . tatum , do you mind if i swab you with this damp rag . no . not at all . swab away . whoa , . nobody mentioned a beaker . please . its for science . oh , for science . in that case , proceed . lisa , this is outrageous . explain yourself . shh . its working . look . nelson , what are you doing . i dont know . i cant help myself . hey . cut it out . i insist that you desist . sorry . im so sorry . yes . please dont hurt me . you leave me little recourse . and now the estrogen network presents afternoon yak . men . boo . canceled . the safe baby craze . its sweeping springfield , thanks to one crusading parent . thats me . safety dance . you can dance you can dance everybody look at your pants but while homer simpson has made our babies safe hes made infant related businesses cry  all the way away from the bank . how are your baby crutch sales . uh , terrible , kent . and cartoon character band aids, , forget about it . look at this baby . not a scratch on him . and i got boat payments . the dream is over . shut her down , boys . dear god . what have i done . babies of springfield , we need your help . please , skin your knees . put dice up your nose . let cats sleep on your face . the problem constant flying saucer attacks . the solution  and thus the earth is saved . hurrah . thats a winner , steve . thats quite an act to follow , lisa . i know . and the crowd is so distinguished . the inventor of the walkie talkie is out there . where . third row , near the aisle . oh . youre right . and thats not his wife . scientists . scientists , please . looking for some order . some order , please with the eyes forward and the hands neatly folded and the paying of attention . pi is exactly three . very sorry that it had to come to that , but now that i have your attention we have some exciting new research from young lisa simpson . lets bring her out and pay attention . shes just a little girl . in the larval stage . silly . lets not listen . my study is entitled airborne pheromones and aggression in bullies . bullies . im afraid . for as long as there have been smart people there have been bullies to prey on them . from galileo to sir isaac newton and even in the animal kingdom . but why do the brawny prey on the brainy . is it jealousy . yes . yes . no . the reason is chemical . not possible . thats impossible . chemicals are our friend . shes a witch . please , dr . koop . let me demonstrate . this is my test subject , francine . id like to thank her parents for helping with the caging . let me out of here . i have isolated the chemical which is emitted by every geek , dork and four eyes . i call it poindextrose . whoo hoo . simpsons rule . sorry . youre dead , nerd . the bully has caught my scent , and shes at maximum rage . professor frink . very well , lisa . ill just finagle this  glayvin . are you mad , frink . put down that science pole . huh . my god , she stopped in her tracks . the little girls invented some sort of bully repellent . silly . lets not listen . actually , its just ordinary salad dressing . so thats where that went . the pungent vinegar and tangy roquefort block the smell receptors , rendering the bully harmless . congratulations , lisa . you are truly the standout of this years big science thing . a gift certificate from jcpenney . yes . youll love their slacks . oh , honey , were so proud of you . so all her bullying was just to get some attention . no , dad . didnt you listen to anything i said . just to get some attention . lisa , help . yes . yes . im gonna  the repellents all gone . dont worry . shell punch herself out . suck fist , dr . dork . someones gonna sleep well tonight . what a cutie . look at her pound that nerd . springfield . olive oil . asparagus . if your mother wasnt so fancy we could shop at the gas station like normal people . i need this candy for school . candy class . well , okay . but get five bags in case we eat four on the way home . my teacher said i need cupcakes  to learn . in the cart . im out of wine . cart . we need these because we have to  my doctor says  and my garage mechanic agrees  in the cart . whoo hoo . you know , i always felt sorry for marge , having to do the shopping but this is kind of fun . whoop . yeah . i wish maggie had to go to the emergency room more often . dr . hibbert chuckles hmm . i never heard of a baby swallowing a magazine before and im a doctor . i dont know if it matters , but it was a time magazine . does that matter . uh oh . this could be dangerous . what . what . syrian hard liners are gaining influence . wait . i changed my mind . stack it in the order ill eat it driving home . sir , please . ive already bagged it by color and in order of each items discovery by man . the customers always right . thats what everybody likes about us . now , mush . you tell him , jumbo . and you  start over . i want everything in one bag . yes , maam . but i dont want the bag to be heavy . i dont think thats possible . what are you , the possible police . just do it . hey , watch what youre doin there , sack monkey . youre bruising my dura log . hurry up . i cant stand here jabbing you all day . please  ow . stop . bag boys have feelings too , you know . no , you dont . excuse me . is there a problem here . no , i can handle it . ill get you , squealer . ow . okay , thats it . on behalf of sack stuffers local im callin a strike . strike . strike . strike . strike . strike . strike . oh , the bag boys are on strike . oh . im shakin . mr . simpson , please , will you go home . if i can have this rubber stick . pledging to honor the bag boys strike are the brotherhood of fruit packers and unpackers the shelf dusters union and the unattractive waitresses of america . kiss my grits . indeed . good luck , sir . no bag boys are gonna stop lenny from hosting a casual get together . casual . i can taste that get together now . hey . i was holding that . next time ill knock your hat off , scab . so hungry . theres gotta be some food left . sulfurjerky . cream oftoast . where do we get all this crap . most of it was sent by relatives who couldnt see very well . hey , i found some eggs . the mother abandoned her nest . aaah . aaah . theres gotta be something to eat in this house . hey , the dog smells something . good boy . good boy . show us where the food is . where . over there . hey . yoinck . my old lunch box . oh , that amos burke made his own rules . very old animal crackers . mmm . mmm . homer , no . those were made in the s . mmm . turbulent . ow . what the hell  whoa . a solid gold animal cracker . find the golden giraffe , and well send you and your family to africa . africa . theyre bound to have food there . and on my free african safari , i wanna do everything on this box . i want to shoot a lion in the face , fight muhammad ali and ride in a convertible with two happy zebras . sir , that contest ended years ago . we dont even make animal crackers anymore . we make household poisons and christmas lights . your box made promises of a vacational nature and i expect you to live up to them . we wont though . sir , with all due respect , an old box of cookies is not a legal contract . ow . my eye . is that our fault . were in big , trouble . he could sue us . it was defective string . yeah , and its got very sharp corners . mr . simpson , weve decided to make good on your vacation . whoo hoo . hey , mister . yes . on the plane im gonna need two seats  for the twins . the simpsons are going to africa . yea . what is it , ngungo . evil is coming . what shall we do , ngungo . uh  you are ngungo now . aaah . africa looks like a beautiful jewel . and these musical garment bags arent bad either . woman on p . a . attention , passengers . please prepare for our landing in tanzania . im sorry . it is now called new zanzibar . excuse me . it is now called pepsi presents new zanzibar . hello . hello , simpsons . welcome to africa . i am your guide , kitenge . hey , how ya doin . hi . hello . isnt that cute . a bush baby . where . aaah . shoo . shoo . oh , man . i just bought this shirt . whos muntu . he is our leader . he seized power in a bloodless coup  all smotherings . just likejimmy carter . okay . youll be sleeping here tonight . on the ground . no , mom . ohh . i will come down for your bags . thats okay . i got em . eh . bound to happen . help . ugh . this mosquito nets not working . no , . you have it inside out . there . when do we get to see the animals . in the morning , little one . now , good night , and dont let the bedbugs paralyze . homie , did you remember to tip kitenge . no , he did not . all right . i got another one . hey , you didnt see a warthog . im looking at one right now . mom . bart implied i was a warthog . nobodys a warthog . what about him . aaah . oh , look , everybody . wow . it just rolled over to . now we sit quietly and wait for nature to unveil herself . wait . rhinos dont come from eggs . what did you just see , lisa . i know , but  what did you just see . hmph . oh , now , come on . look , mother , by that tree  cheetah . mmm . he doesnt look so fast to me . take it , homer . glibby glup gloopy , nibby nobby nooby la lee lo , what . what is it . mmm . poachers . thats terrible . now , honey , poachers are natures way of keeping the balance . whenever there are so many species that people get confused and angry a poacher is born . i dont care . i hate them . lets get out of here . theyll be back . they left their cargo pants . this is the earliest known fossil of a human being . its over two million years old . ive got more bones than that guy . if youre trying to impress me , youve failed . its not the number of bones , sir . its the  you have failed . the maasai chief welcomes you to his village . oh , thank you . your ground is so comfortable . by the way , what kind of blood is this . cow . hey , mom . look what mbali gave me . hey , check it out . bart . i told you not to get your lip disked . all right . uh oh . thats it . get into a frenzy . aha . whoo . this song has been going on for hours . yeah . its like the allman brothers . homer , no . aaah . a hungry , hippo . aaah . help . kitenge . now , simpsons . run for it . huh . good old kitenge . aaah . quick . into the river . hippos hate water . no , they dont . they aaah . shaka zulu . which way should we go . mmm  hmm . mmm . hmm . hmm . hmm . the left . go to the left . its working . aaah . leeches . aaah . uh oh . okay , heres the situation . were hopelessly lost and about to die . dont worry . being eaten by a crocodile is just like going to sleep in a giant blender . wonder where this river goes . ive got a map . monkey . now , according to animal crackers , theres no river here . eh  stay in the boat , homer . look . lets just float by quietly . oh . you think they settled that bag boy strike yet . oh , no . were headed for victoria falls . heres why they shouldnt get anything . one  whoo . this flower saved our lives . oh , no . its eating us . not a chance . wow , dad . how did you do that . its a flower . are we insane yet . are we insane yet . are we insane yet . i told you , yes . now  bart , go to the top of that hill and see if you can spot our hotel . mt . kilimanjaro . go . okay . aaah . a chimp . hello , little fella . hey , maybe hell lead us to bananas . or more mouthwatering monkeys . oh . oh . oh . oh . overtime for bag boys . ridiculous . this is the place ive read about  where dr . bushwell lives among the chimps . oh , isnt that sweet . he named it after his wife . no , dr . bushwell is a woman . well , now ive heard everything . its kind of you to take us in , dr . bushwell . yeah . thanks for the grub . grubs . whatever . ah , theres a burst of flavor . your work has really inspired me , doctor  and i love your sensible ponytail . well , thank you . see , jojo . she likes it . so i notice your home smells of feces . yes . and not just monkey feces either . could we talk about something else . l i love what youve done with these poles . every day i get up at watch the chimps eat a quick lunch of roots and water , then more chimp watching . after dark i come home and think about chimps until its time for bed . you must be the most boring woman on earth . possibly , but  i mean , i knew scientists wasted their lives , but geez . homer . what . what is it , pointy . oh , no . its the poachers . give us the chimps , and no one gets hurt . absolutely not . will you help me defend the refuge . anything for these noble animals . so like us . huh . what . aaah . yes . aaah . somebody light this monkey . aaah . help . bad monkey . hey . stop it , you creep . greenpeace . thats right . and were not leaving till we rescue every animal here . well , if you really cared about chimps youd know that dr . bushwell is their best friend . oh , is that right . why dont you tell her about the diamond mine , doctor . diamond mine . what are you talking about . im talking about this . the chimps are running a diamond mine . why , what fascinating behavior . l i must document this new activity . dr . bushwell . what , these . well , they were a graduation present . unbelievable . this shaft must be five miles deep . oh , for  lookit . theres more over here . look at this . shes hidden diamonds everywhere . even on the soles of her shoes . yep . shes one of the richest chimp researchers in the world . look at me . im a scientist . africa . how could you exploit your beloved chimps like this . i think we should look at her research before we condemn her entirely . i havent said anything for a while . hmm . these are just pictures of monkeys from famous movies . this is disgraceful , doctor . all right , so i snapped . you dont understand the crushing loneliness and greed . dont worry , doctor . well get you all the help you need . no . dont put me away . ill give you diamonds . everybody wants diamonds . diamonds will make everything all better . diamonds . diamonds . what a nice lady . very nice . hey , lise , check it out . diamond vision . buzz off . hey , look . our tour guide got a new job . mmm , quite a promotion . i was wondering what became of him . what happened to president muntu . i dont want to talk about it . he got overthrown . now hes just a stinkinflight attendant . hey , wheres my pillow . shh . springfield . whee . whoo hoo . yeah . doh . son of a diddly . mm hmm . breakfast . breakfast . cereal . you know i like my breakfast fried or chicken fried . its a healthy cereal from europe . meslix . they also make juice lix . thats milhouse . and it sounds like he has big news . yech . ill get us out of this . say , dad . wanna go see my project for the school science fair . no , lisa . but i sure dont wanna eat this crappy breakfast . meet linguo , the grammar robot . i built him all by myself . if you misuse language , hell correct you . well , lets put him to the test . me love beer . i love beer . oh , he loves beer . here , little fella . dad , no . error . im sorry . i thought he was a party robot . oh . this is why i cant have nice things . every time i design a robot , somebody comes along and  oh . can i have a brownie . theyre for after dinner . oh . can i have dinner . you cant have a brownie , period . homer wants a brownie . im gonna get one . no . coming in from the left . stop it . or is it the right . look out for the reach around . homer . he shoots , he sc  my thumb . oh , god . oh , god . oh , god . im sorry . im so sorry . sorry doesnt put thumbs on the hand , marge . well , calm down . if we hurry , they can reattach your thumb . reattach a thumb . this isnt gattaca . weve just gotta get your thumb to the  where did it go . okay , boy . drop the thumb . nobodys gonna tackle you . doh . come back with my thumb . this better be good . i cut off my husbands thumb . attempted murder . youll burn for this  burn in jail . it was an accident . yeah , . save it for dateline tuesday . uh , whats your address so i can come arrest you . arrest me . um , my address its , um , fake street . got it . come on . come on , boy . oh , please give it back . you want people food . i can get you people food . oh . i have nothing he wants . and harry potter and all his wizard friends went straight to hell for practicing witchcraft . yea . what the diddlio . give me back my thumb . weve gotta get to the hospital , homer . okay . if the doctor asks why you cut it off you caught me in bed with four beautiful women . lets just say that bart did it . oh , doodlebugs . my ferrari . i had to do awful things to pay for her . homer , help . marge . over here . im sorry , homer . your h . m . o . doesnt cover this type of injury . but i have finger insurance . a thumb is not a finger . isnt there anything you can do . well , i could cut off the other thumb for a sense of symmetry . symmetry , eh . hibberts really losing it . were going to dr . nicks . we need more ice . my thumb is fading fast . quick . moe , marge cut off my thumb . no problem . just stick the old eye gouger in the pickle brine . thatll keep your thumb fresh and delicious . thanks , moe . hey , aint you gonna have a beer . well , i really shouldnt , what with my massive blood loss and all . although i do like the occasional beer . did you ever see that blue man group . total rip off of the smurfs . and the smurfs  they suck . uh oh . i smell gangrene . we gotta wake him up . a little coffeell do the trick . what . i gotta get to dr . nicks . wheres marge . oh , that is so rude . oh . i know . ill hitchhike . oh , why isnt this working . hey , thanks for stopping . taint nothin . you and me share a common infirmity . if anyone ever tells you a hog wont eat a finger , theys lyin . oh , crap . its on fire . inflammable means flammable . what a country . can you drive me to shelbyville hospital . i reckon so . hey . somebody done stolded my wheels . thanks a lot . now i gotta walk to shelbyville . its too late . well , old friend , we always knew this day would come . say good bye to your brother . what the hell . linguo dead . linguo is dead . son of a diddly . breakfast . thats milhouse . and it sounds like he has big news . yech . ill get us out of this . say , dad . wanna go see my project for the school science fair . no , lisa . but i sure dont wanna eat this crappy breakfast . here , little fella . dad , no . error . im sorry . i thought he was a party robot . oh . this is why i cant have nice things . every time i design a robot , somebody comes along and  hang on , linguo . youll be up and conjugating in no time . my thumb . quiet , please . some of us are trying to weld . almost done . just lay still . lie still . i knew that . just testing . sentence fragment . sentence fragment is also a sentence fragment . must conserve battery power . just come on . uh oh . the bus . hey , stop . wait . oh . any day but science project day . kiss first place good bye, , lisa . oh , no . somebody took my bike . mom , i need a ride to school . we gotta get to the hospital , homer . idiot . you almost ran over a viewer . and shes in our key demo . sorry about that , kid . need a ride . can you take me to school , krusty . hop in . hey , moron . springfield elementary , and step on it . hey , teeny , you know where ah , its okay . hey , we got the same hat . thanks , mr . teeny . wha  huh . this isnt miss hoovers class . i do not know this mademoiselle hoover of which you speak . whats happening . where am i . sacre bleu . what a foolish question . you are at west springfield elementary school . west springfield . im at the wrong school . en franais . sorry . i was rushing because im in the wrong school . can you believe that . its understandable . all the schools in this area were built from identical plans . i guess they didnt have enough money to hire i . m . pei . oh . you know about i . m . pei . i am impressed . my names thelonious . as in monk . yes . the esoteric appeal is worth the beatings . what do your friends call you . i dont really have any friends . just like me . oh , my god . its . weve been spinning for hours . ive got to get to my school and hand in linguo . oh , but i dont want to leave you . you must . you cant sacrifice grades for romance . thats not the girl i fell for . will i ever see you again . of course you will at the magnet high school . now , go . hmm . its noon . thats about when dad gets the brew shakes . my dads not here . i need a ride to school . yeah , . we all got problems . chief wiggum , can you drive me to school . its an emergency . no can do , doll face . i got an informant wearing a wire . just like on nash bridges . were trying to get the goods on some smugglers . why , id be delighted to sell you some illegally smuggled goods . that sounds like fat tony . only one way to be sure . fat tony , is that you . fat tony . hey , wheres that voice coming from . this guys wearing a wire . take him out . my bad . i cant work my answering machine either . now i need a new informant . say , lisa , people trust you . how would you like to be a snitch . the pay stinks , but  oh . quick . moe , marge cut off my thumb . lisa . mom , whered you get that car . i stole it from mcbain after i cut off your fathers thumb . can you take me to school , please . not right now . your fathers in there , and  did you ever see that blue man group . oh , hes on the blue man group again . come on . weve got lots of time . oh , no . were out of gas . i couldnt figure out this stupid italian gas gauge . ive gotta get to school . hmm . lets hitch a ride with that hick . abracathumbra . dang . you could be one of them tv magic queers . shoo . mom , i have to get to school . its to . well , ive already borrowed one car . lets go . somebody done stolded my wheels . thanks a lot . now i gotta walk to shelbyville . theres the school . first place , here i come . look out . bart . son of a diddly . hey , . hey , . hey , . lazy , eh . get him , boys . wake up . wake up . wake up . okay , . breakfast . thats milhouse . and it sounds like he has big news . i found something awesome in the woods . is it a dead body . its cooler than a million dead bodies . you take my sisters bike . lets see . front door . back door . skinners . flanders . your house . ah . lisas bike . whats it like riding a girls bike . its disturbingly comfortable . whoa . howd you find it . this is where i come to cry . cool . wow . sacks . burlap sacks . it gets better . theyre full of fireworks . bottle rockets , frog launchers , weeping mamas . tijuana toilet crackers . three , two , one . gnomes , blow up . were not ready . uh oh . so what are we doing , a lengthening or a widening . yarr . uh , lets make it both . garr . dont worry . its inflammable . lets keep this our little secret . we gotta hide . well be safe in here . here we are . the home of knifey wifey . hey , chief , can i hold my gun sideways . it looks so cool . ah , sure . whatever you want , birthday boy . okay , drop the knife , stabitha . great grilled cheese ghost . weve uncovered a hard core cracker house . theres enough chinese sky candy here to put you boys away for a long time . i cant go to juvie . they use guys like me as currency . yeah . theyll pass you around like  well , like currency , like you said . maybe we can make you boys a deal . your mission is to find the fireworks smugglers and get them to say something incriminating on this tape . hootie and the blowfish . yeah . its cheaper than blank tape . great idea to smuggle fireworks , boss . yeah , i was gettin sick of running those unions . so much paperwork . knock knock . excuse me . my friend and i were interested in purchasing quality fireworks . yes , we are . why , id be delighted to sell you some illegally smuggled goods . fat tony , is that you . fat tony . hey , wheres that voice coming from . this guys wearin a wire . take him out . whoa . my bad . hey , there they are . gentlemen , remove your guns from your holsters . shoulder or ankle . surprise me . milhouse , quick . look out . bart . ow . mom . hurry up , bart . you aint goin nowhere . you leave those boys alone . hey , theys throwin robots . they are throwing robots . hes disrespecting us . shutuppayouface . shut up your face . whats a matta , you . you aint so big . me and him are gonna whack you in the labonza . bad grammar overload . error . error . what the hell . linguo dead . its all right , boys . oh , thank goodness everyones okay . except your thumb , and lisas science project . i couldnt help but notice your respective predicaments . perhaps i may offer a bipartite solution . there you go . enjoy your thumb . as the circulation returns the subject prepares for a long and painful recovery . its lucky for me that legs was an experienced mob doctor . he once pulled a slug out of my arm and inserted it into a stoolies brain . thats a first place science project , lisa . boy , this sure was one crazy day . right , mr . teeny . en franais . springfield . ice cream at church . im intrigued , yet suspicious . wow , look at all these flavors . blessed virgin berry , command mint, , bible gum . or if you prefer , we also have unitarian ice cream . theres nothing here . exactly . one tower of babel and build it to heaven . to heaven . oh . christ be with you . doh . hi . ive created the first intra bovine ice cream maker . it makes use of all four stomachs . the first being filled with rock salt , then sugar , cream and of course , freon so cold it burns me . ill have the darkety kind . uh , one chocolate , mootilda . can i have a swirl of chocolate and vanilla . huh . uh uh . oh , nonsense . you can do it . ivan reitman . ow . ive never seen a brain freeze this bad . give me c . c . s of hot fudge stat . hold still . youre gonna feel a slight chocolaty sensation . p . a . feedback squeals all right , lets welcome this evenings entertainment . they call her the christian madonna racheljordan . jesus loves me , this im sure im a groupie on his tour racheljordan . isnt that the woman you had a crush on , ned . i didnt have a crush on her . are you blushing , mr . flanders . no , im not  leave ned alone . thank you , homer . he cant admit he likes her till hes sure she likes him back . and theres only one way to find out . does rachel like ned . it says i have cooties . flanders has cooties . flanders has cooties . that was great . i cant believe she found a rhyme for hezekiah . hey , shes coming this way . i thought you didnt like her . oh . ned flanders . now , where have you been hi diddly . uh , huh . oh , hey , rachel . well , what do you know . we both like plain vanilla with nothin on it . actually , all the toppings were gone . ants are crawling in my mouth , and i dont care . so , uh , wheres your band . they switched from christian music to regular pop . all you do is change jesus to baby . oh , how horrible . uh . theyll all go to hell . say , hows your life going . oh , she wants to know how your life is going . well , my wifes passing was rough . but i think im finally ready to move on . thats great . maybe we could have coffee sometime . oh , she wants to have coffee sometime . i can hear her , homer . he can hear you , rachel . id love to get together , but tomorrow ive got lifeguard duty at the baptismal pool . okay . well , maybe another time . you know , id better go check into my hotel . hotel . why dont you just stay at neds place . my place . what would the neighbors think . were the neighbors , and we dont think . ned , i understand if you feel uncomfortable . youre still getting over your wife . now , wait just a maude gone minute here . im through livin in the past , and you can see for yourself . well , youve certainly got a theme going . all right , ill take the couch , and you can have my room . oh , uh , could you sleep on my side . im trying to preserve maudes indentation . sorry . oh , no problem . a little starchll fix her right up . cold , huh . this should keep you toasty . how about that . it says maude . mmm , i love chenille . dont you . i dont love it . i dont hate it . mmm , well , good night , maude . i mean , maude . i mean , rachel . i mean , maude . oop . oh , my god . youre trying to make me look like your dead wife . no , . l l i know this is , uh , a tad unseemly . but if you just let me even out the back  im calling a cab . good bye, , ned . oh , who am i kidding . im not over maude at all . yeah , maybe it was too soon . well . arent you gonna invite me in . i sure appreciate you folks offering to go through maudes things . if it were up to me , i wouldnt throw anything away . oh , dont you worry . well make all the hard decisions so you dont have to . we can take whatever we want , right . ye what . dont listen to him . you just have a good time at the eye doctor . always do . say , bye , mr . flanders . bye , mr . flanders . poor ned . he cant look anywhere without being reminded of maude . yeah , a lifetime of memories . homer , dont you have any respect . sure . of course i do . but life goes on . ashes to ashes . turn , . long live rock , and so forth . dont throw this away . its rods first tooth . youre right . we could use this for witchcraft . wow . three pairs of shoes . someone had a fetish . man , this is taking forever . i know how to speed things up . her pillows stuck . oh , my . the room looks so bare . are you okay , ned . yeah , just a little shocked . whats that . some kind of sorting machine . kinda . now for the awkward part . we gotta talk about money . you said we were doing this out of friendship . what . that doesnt sound like me . hey , dad . something didnt get , um , sorted . maudes old sketchbook . she was quite the little artist , you know . oh , eh , is that a fact . and you think you know someone . theres our house . a rainbow . oh , a white hand shaking a black hand . praiseland . rides , food . atithing pond . it looks like an amusement park . youre right . maude designed a christian amusement park . oh , it mustve been her final dream . hey , how about that . lets build it for her , daddy . oh , thats a nice thought , toddy . but to build an amusement park , you need lots of money and manpower and turnstiles . but mommy wanted it . hmm . but where do you put something that big . you could fix up the old storytime village . theyve been out of business ever since that kid got his head cut off . that sounds perfect . well , what the heck . whos ready to build an amusement park . yea . sell storytime village . why , you gotta be off your tuffet . well , its been closed for so long , and l  i thought i could turn it into a christian theme park . christian , eh . well , thats different . now , the thing is i dont have a lot of money . and what the hell good are you . beat it , you hippie . but l  youre right . that was harsh . tell you what . maybe i could donate the park as a tax write off . if you could do that , id make this place a shining beacon for the lord . ah , you are so full of it . gods grace , that is . its really sickening there arent more people like you . now get out your pen and well make it official . oh , bless you , sir . geppettos workshop will make a great stable for the nativity scene . youre doing that the sucker way . try a little vitamin g . are you nuts . relax . its a controlled burn . uh oh . darn teenagers with their beer bottles . uh , yeah . teenagers . huh . ned , im worried about you . youve been working nonstop for the past week . well , its been a tad harder than i thought . but im not complaining , cause i work for a sweet , boss . youre our foreman , maude . shes still bossing you around from beyond the grave . can they do that . no , i dont mind , but my greenback stacks gettin kind of slack . how about asking the community for donations . im not very good at begging people for stuff . i am . id be glad to spearhead the entire begging initiative . oh , thanks , homer . no problem . ill need a sack and something sharp . well , i guess i could donate these costumes . theyre from my last supper pie throwing sketch . you can have these , uh , fireworks i confiscated . some chinese people claimed they were celebrating new years in february . oh , yeah . those guys and their crazy scams . good food though . this sawdustll soak up the puke from the roller coaster . thats willies special blend . do i detect a hint of cinnamon . oh , ill never tell . praiseland amusement park has its grand opening today . we now go live to its founder , mr . nedward flanders . oh , morning , kent . our volunteers have done an amazing job getting the park ready here . were gonna show springfield that faith and devotion are the wildest thrill rides of all . all right . i hear the mayors arriving for the ribbon cutting . it is with great pride that i dedicate this new school , sports arena or attraction . well , maude , your dream has finally come true . halt . who dares to disturb king david . silence . you have invaded the chamber where i wrote all of my psalms . i hope you enjoy hearing them all . number one . blessed is the man who does not walk in the council of the wicked . what do you hit em with . theres no mallet . you can stop satan with your faith . my face . you callin me ugly . no , . i think youre beautiful . oh , thats it . oh , what can i get you , little christian . how about a noahs ark of jellies . oh , are there two of every flavor . nope . theyre all the same  plain . oh . how about a maude mask . im maude . god is super . can i sit in the car . lets both sit in the car . bye bye . a bible park without beer . now ive seen everything . and this candy is subpar . any religion that embraces carob is , uh , not for carl carlson . oh . hey , get out of the way , pal . youre blocking the exit . oh , you want me to stamp your hand so you can get back in . dont you dare . dr . riviera bye , everybody . what a rip off . it aint even worth torching . whoa . wheres everyone going . whats wrong . this place is the height of tedium . yarr . she blows . oh , maude , i turned your dream of a christian amusement park into a bemusement park . dont say that , ned . it is . its a bemusement park . im sorry , sweetheart . oh , please , dont look at me like that . its a miracle . its almost like shes alive again . whats that , floating mask . y you want me to shoot everyone . nah , im just screwin with ya . its a miracle . oh . this is fantastic . ive never been so close to rubbing my eyes in disbelief . oh , what the heck . huh . huh . i think its a sign from god that we should all go nuts . whoa hoa . what the  ah . what is wrong with you . go get that . yes , maam . well , looks like our phenomenon is actually a phenome not . because when you look at it rationally  hes speaking in tongues . oh , knock it off , seymour . go find that boy with my purse . oh . it was incredible . i saw heaven . but it wasnt clouds and angels playing harps like at the end of so many three stooges shorts . it was a golden elementary school with a teachers lounge that stretched as far as the eye could see . and no one was ever tardy . was i there . no . it was heaven  my vision of heaven . oh , truly this was the will of maude . hey , i want the maude statue to give me a vision . yeah . i want to hallucinate too . im sorry . the ticket price doesnt cover visions , miracles or other godly hoo ha . yeah , folks . the power of christ compels you to give ned an extra bucks . homer , no . i cant exploit a divine manifestation . oh , why not . everybodys doin it . you could give the money to the orphanage . i hear they need a new wall . three is not enough . maude , its disco stu . lay some heaven on me , foxy dead chick . oh . ah , disco stu . right this way . but , hey , saint peter , you just said , like , you was full . oh , yeah . ah , geez . ah . oh . ah . whoa , frank sinatra . for me , this is hell . you dig , pally . ah , . whos next . that would be me . thank you , sonny . my chair . its got a mind of its own . help me , mr . spock . shazbot . my captain is in peril . you saved the captains life . i want to make out with you . and so do catwoman and agent . oh . how come everybodys having visions , daddy . oh , theres no explaining gods will , roddy . thats like explaining how an airplane flies . stupid grill . why wont you light . the gas is on full blast . you better stick your head in and see whats goin on . good idea . no , dad . i think theres a leak in the line . leak in the line . oh , no . this isnt a divine miracle . everyones just gettin goofy from the gas . uh  folks , i just discovered eh , something about this statue that , uh , may disappoint you . you see  what is it , mr . flanders . is something wrong with the miracle . will there still be money for the orphans . hello , gas company . how poisonous is your gas . wow . bu  eh  but im talking about , you know , outdoors with plenty of ventilation . that  how could that be worse . okay , permanent brain damage or just temporary . i see . i gotta close praiseland down . someone could get hurt . could get hurt . could . theres a chance they wont . ned , praiseland has touched an entire town with its inspiring message and toxic super freak outs . look at those smiling faces . rich laughing with poor . bullies breaking bread with nerds . orphans lighting candles over a leaking gas line . lighting candles . no o . i cant feel my legs . i taste blood . adults attacking orphans . i dont think maude flanders would approve of that . absolutely not . never . no friggin way . yeah . this place is more like crazeland . huh . instead ofpraiseland . oh . i see . its a play on words . may the lord have mercy on your gas sniffin, , orphan beatin soul . christ be with you . hey , ned . i just read about your park in that horrible triple a magazine . oh , ned , look whos here . its that girl you dont like . not . hey , your hairs grown back real nice . its a wig . and lets never speak of it again . so what happened here . how about i explain it to you over a cup of coffee . that is if youre willing to give me another shot . are you sure you want to do this , ned . im sure . so how about a movie tomorrow night . sounds great . i think ned is gonna be all right . get dancin , dance get dancin , dance keep movin . here come deejay disco tex truckinwith his sex o get dancin , dance guaranteed to rock the boat machine gun rap and locomote get dancin , dance come on , baby . come out there and dance to your song . turn yourself on . over hollywood america needs you . we need you to go dance . we need you to get together and boogie woogie . shh . springfield . welcome to the springfield ymca . tonight you can sample all of our classes for free . and if you find one you like , you can pay the membership fee and enroll . i know . well never see any of you again . you got that right . alley oop . three to one . oh , this is a high scoring affair . yeah . well , its your turn to get the ball out of the peach basket . ill get a ball out of your peach basket one of these days . welcome to gymnastics . i am coach lugash . i came to this country in by cartwheeling over berlin wall . no giggling . it weakens the haunches . what a little angel . how old are you . eight . eight . too old . go home , grandma . i am sorry , little girl . lugash must go next door to anger management class . worthless anger management class . i hate it so much . i spit on it . yo , boy , this class is tight . you go from sloppa to proppa . cool . welcome to my etiquette class the proper young man . but the black man said  are you accusing my husband of misleading you . good gracious . i should bust a cap in your ass . mmm , ill pick , uh , carl . lenny and carl . i kinda like the sound of that . my turn , huh . lets see . pick me . pick me . i got hoop dreams , coach . i got em bad . okay . homer . yes . losers . losers , l  you said homer , right . mm hmm . losers . ill take professor frink . ah , you wont regret it , my good man . what with the passing , and the dribbling and my shoes made of the flubber . and away i go . its frightening . ow , that was painful . oh , the flubber is burning my feet . now before we begin fitness buff rainier wolfcastle would like to say a few words about the springfield ymca . oh , hello . i have purchased the springfield ymca . i plan to tear it down and turn the land into a nature preserve where i will hunt the deadliest game of all  man . now lets play ball . oh , and lenny is taking off . thats a foul . i am taking the ball and going home . hey . hey , thats not your ball . the chase begins . whoo . you da man , carl . i believe you can fly . boy , i am so sick of everyone assuming im good at basketball because im african american . go , carl . go , carl . its my birthday . its my birthday . three peat . you got mail , baby . willie tickles the twine for two . oy . oy . okay , guys . i got a secret play ive been saving for the olympics or possibly the final four . and it goes something like this . all right , skinner , i want you to block out carl . moe , you can take professor frink . homer , you take groundskeeper willie . no way am i taking groundskeeper willie . yes , you are . are you a team player or not . oh , my goodness , an untied shoelace . ill just get down on one knee and re tie that . eat my dust , mortals . im okay . homer , im afraid youve torn out your anterior cruciate ligament . did you say anterior . yes . now how did this happen . maybe a little morphine would refresh my memory . i dont know . im still a little hazy . ga . oh , yeah . now i remember it like it was yesterday . it happened today . hey , man , youre harshing my buzz . anyway , it all started when i was  you go , homer . whoosh . ow . jetson . weve got to get you into surgery . maybe a little morphine would get me there quicker . so many times weve seen our father go under the knife . one more and i get a free hysterectomy . now , homer , youll have a full recovery from your spinal cord injury . what spinal cord injury . oh , he fell off the gurney . but it will take plenty of time and rehab before you can go back to work . miss work . but my life would be nothing without the nucleon plant . oh , youre also responsible for this hefty hospital bill . you shouldnt have ordered all those hospital haircuts and porno films . but doctor screwlittle sounded like a delightful romp . but you dont have to worry about the bill . weve never welshed on a  look , a bear . run . now , homer , i want you to stay off that leg for two weeks . two weeks . what am i supposed to do . just sit on my ass and watch tv . that aint my style , man . now , homer , there are people right through that door that have it much worse than you . no , they dont . mmm , everyones having fun but me . boingy , . mrs . simpson , can homer come out and play . no , homer wont be able to play for a long time . would you make me somejell o . you shoo , barney gumble . well , i can still hang out with you guys . sorry . i got a baseball game in minutes . and ive got a rally for take back the afternoon . so , the tables have turned . now youre the shut in, , and im the hip young dude . there goes my wagging finger . im so bored . aw , come on . theres lots of ways to pass the time . hitch up your pants , air whittle . make friends with a chinese man . uh , mr . simpson , you werent supposed to leave the home . thank you , ping pong . my name is craig . sure , it is . this place is so boring . i gotta do something to keep from going crazy . i know . ill breed the pets to each other . soon i will have a miracle hybrid with the loyalty of a cat and the cleanliness of a dog . lets get it on no . thats not how you do it . quitters . hey , homer . oh , it feels so good to talk to another human being . stupid flanders . hey , homer , i need to ask you a favor . my babysitter canceled , and i got tickets to a christian rock concert . its gonna be one wholesome evening . so , you think marge could take care of rowdy roddy and typhoon todd . well , marge isnt here . she had to identify a body at the morgue . thats not my uncle lou . and this mans not dead . thats what ive been trying to tell you . thats just gas escaping . would you mind watching the kids . im kinda in a pickle here . well , they would keep me company . and this pickle youre offering only sweetens the deal . mr . simpson , can we have another jelly and candy sandwich . sure . knock yourselves out . and call me homer . daddy said its rude to call grown ups by their first name . daddys not here , is he . now my good man , what do you like to play . pokmon . pokmon . pokmon . with the pokey and the man and the  that is the darnedest thing . so did you boys have a good time . yeah . mr . simpson was really funny . he told us how the world keeps screwing him over . yeah . well , how was the concert . well , sir , ive never heard a preacher use the m f word so many times . anyway , thanks again . hey , it was fun . my kids are sick of all my stories . but they just cant get enough of me . can mr . simpson watch us every day . oh , roddy , hes not running a day care center . dont tell me what im not doing . so you are running a day care center . oh , youd like that , wouldnt you . oh , i sure would . it would give the boys a place to go after school . then ill do it , just to see the look on your face . thats the one . this world is whistles and missiles bones and trombones why did you put my name on the sign . its just a legal thing to protect me . is your knee really gross under there . see for yourself . ew . can i touch it . sure . go for the gusto . its healing over my hand . it knows youre afraid . hello . i would like to take advantage of your baby prison . were calling it day care . yes , whatever . just take them . aw , arent they sweet . any medical things i should know about . yes , probably . why , homer , your surgical incision is completely healed . i owe it all to my rewarding work with children . and not picking at it . ah , yes , how is your day care center doing . wonderful . being with those kids gives me a high only morphine can top . you got any . always with the morphine . mmm . peekaboo . peekaboo . peekaboo . peekaboo . dads been doing that for two hours . ive never seen the baby get tired of it before the adult . peek a boo . uncle homer , will you sing that crazy song we love . okay . is that all there is that all there is if thats all there is my friend then lets keep dancing i cant remember the last time dad sang us a torch song . yeah . homer , i thought you were only gonna do this day care thing till your knee was better . yes . but then i discovered the joys of raising children . what about us . dont worry , honey . youll have children of your own someday . then youll know my joy . hey , bart , your dad gave me this temp tattoo . its so cool . you have the bestest dad . he read me a story about chinese food . you havent seen the real homer . its all burping and neglect . i think we know your dad a little bit better than you do , bart . is that my jacket . he said it looked better on me . if youre happy and you know it , say a swear boobs . heinie . mitten . theyre always laughing . laughing at nothing . how come parents are always nicer to other kids than they are to their own . i guess dad just takes us for granted . well , dont worry . thisll give his heartstrings a much needed plucking . huh . aw , what a beautiful frame . perfect for my day care permit . sweet . mm hmm . hang on , everybody . three two one , blast off . that was tree mendous . wheres ralph . i almost died . homer , this man is from the good guy awards . we honor people who make life better for the community . like you with your day care center . i contributed by not objecting too much . aw , thats my girl . anyway , this film crew will shoot some behind the footage of your amazing work . is there a snack table . its already set up . dont film this . uh , excuse me . this is a hot set . no visitors . its my room . well , if you want , you can sit on this . teamsters are sleeping in my room . werejust resting our eyes . cause the thing is there are no bad kids . ow . you stepped on my arm . sorry . daddy thought you were a pile of cable . tell me about the homer cares program . my kids wear these hearts to remind them they are always loved . aww . did you make em yourself . yes . through the magic of caring . night will come soon . theres gotta be a way to get back at dad . well , ive been cutting the felt kind of crooked . no . weve gotta show the world what dads really like . then everything will be back to normal . back to normal . im a nice guy im a hell of a guy and tonight we honor you stop the music . stop it . one more line , and we have to pay for the song . now , is anyone here from springfield . you know we are . oh , tough crowd . so whats in the news . oh , right . the bus disaster very sad . now our first award is for biggest people pleaser . you can walk all over these doormats . and the nominees are ned flanders , principal seymour skinner and mother teresa junior . and the winner is principal skinner . now im told theres a glitch in our internet webcast . so all of you out there , type control backslash semicolon alt dot escape and youll be fine . ah , perfect . hey , . hey , . hey , . hey , . wed like to thank our sponsor , hansons hypno coins . if you can find a sturdier hypno coin, , you buy it . now , every year we find one good samaritan so deserving that not recognizing him would make santa claus himself vomit with rage . who writes this stuff . this years winner ofthe saint who walks among us award  please let me win this lord , cause if you dont  homer simpson . yes . all my love has come back in trophy form . now lets take a look at homers wonderful work . it looks like any other home in america . but this is the house that love built . his scabby red knee became an infectious beacon ofhope . aww . i guess you could sum up homer in two words big phony . this is the real homer simpson  a beer drinking meanie . huh . and he gambles like crazy . ill call . three nines . oh . i almost had a straight . come to new papa . hey , whats the deal . we just spliced in some home movies . what do you think . well , id rather reserve judgment until l  oh , my god . ill mace you good . that is completely taken out of context . why you little  our children arent safe with that monster . yeah , keep away from him , milhouse . you too , ralphie . youre out of that day care center . oh . my polite indignation knows no bounds . no . no . no one is taking my kids from me . run , children , run . come back here with my youngun . the term soccer mom is thrown around all too often these days . but the nominees in our next category  where are we going . uh , for frosty chocolate milk shakes . frosty chocolate milk shakes . an award ceremony erupted in kidnapping tonight as alleged good guy homer simpson absconded with several children in a stolen paddy wagon . now lets go to arnie pie in the sky . i can see them right below me . im gonna try to nail the driver with one of my shoes . arnie , please leave this to the police . im sick of being a reporter . i want to make the news . arnie , this is not the time . youre not the time , kent . youre not the time . where are we going , mr . simpson . ill tell you where were not going . jail . then you better turn . uh oh . aaah . hes jumping out of the car , kent . hes trying to climb over the fence . now hes realizing hes too fat . hes digging a hole like a dog . now hes given up on that and hes running back and forth . hes climbing into a pipe and he seems to be stuck . his legs are dangling in a comical fashion . oh , its the saddest thing ive ever seen . arnie , how are the children . i cant see through metal , kent . all right , fatty . out of the pipe . why did you rat me out , kids . was it because i showered love on those other children while ignoring you . yep . pretty much . well , i learned my lesson . from now on , you two are the only kids ill care about . oh , and maggie . now lets all enjoy the snack table while we still have it . the teamsters said theyd pick it up by . yeah . thatll happen . teamsters . teamsters . pokmon . pokmon . shh . springfield . i cant believe it . we won another contest . the simpsons are going to delaware . i wanna see wilmington . i wanna visit a screen door factory . yep . delawares got it all . youre next , mr . simpson . hey , wait a minute . airport tax five dollars . sir , its a standard fee . well , we are not boarding that plane unless you waive that tax . waive it . stupid anti fist laws . the simpsons are riding the rails . cool . a dead hobo . mornin , folks . what are you gonna do to us . now , dont worry . im not a stabbin hobo . im a singin hobo . nothin beats the hobo life stabbin folks with my hobo knife i gouge them  excuse me , hobo . can you play something a little less unnerving . sure . i was just having a little fun with you nobos . uh , heres a ballad thatll set fire to your trash can . wont you listen to my tale thats stories tall bout a king sized woodsman name a bunyan , comma , paul dr . riviera congratulations , mr . bunyan . its a boy . jeezum crow . how was it , honey . whiskey , please . me hungee . born mighty big he continued to expand thanks to a hopped up pituitary gland hey . ill get ya . his body grew big but his brain stayed small he was tree choppin, , friend stompin house crushinpaul me hungee . time to make pauls breakfast . hey , paul , flapjacks . flapjacks . out of the frying pan . yuck . all right , uh , lets get started on lunch . and wait . wheres lenny . hello . can anybody hear me . i think i found a way out . its not pretty , but itll do . all right , look , we gotta do something about bunyan . were going bankrupt just feedin and clothin the guy not to mention the crushings . hey , i say we get him drunk and drag him out of town . same way we got rid of laura ingalls wilder . yeah , thats a great idea . hmm . uh , hey , paulie . what say we buy you a beer . aw , you guys are the greatest friends a giant doofus could have . good lord . brought down by one beer . and a couple of these babies . now , if youll excuse me , im off to the barn dance . watch his head . where am i . oh , they dont want me anymore . paul was just as lonely as a man could get so he took out his ax and he carved himself a pet and now  oh , boy . i wish you were real . mmm . hey , what the  oh , its a miracle . ill call you babe . youll be my best friend . so paul and his blue ox babe traveled all across this great land , leavintheir mark . excuse me . paul bunyan never fought rodan . and his size seems to be really inconsistent . i mean , one minute , hes feet tall . the next , his feet are as big as a lake . hey , . whos the hobo here . im just sayin . now paul and babe were a mighty fine match but the man had an itch that an ox couldnt scratch huh . shes pretty . oh . what a handsome man . got ya . dont worry . i wont smush you . youre cute . oh . thank you . hey , what are you doing . i just wanna spruce up for our date . oh . whoo hoo . mmm . oh . weve been together a long time now . when are we gonna , you know  soon . i just need a few more yoga classes . oh , look . a shooting star . hey , that meteors headed straight for us with the fire and the impact and the chance of pain . pain in the glayvin . god has sent this fiery kill rock to show us his love . no . were gonna die . theres only one man who can save us . oh , i get it . when im crushing and killing you , dont like me . but when i can save your life , suddenly im mr . popular . yeah . thats pretty much it . whoo hoo . im mr . popular . come on . right across the plate . lets see what you got , huh . this ones for the little crippled boy that i crippled . you can do it , paul . gimme a kiss for luck . ow . hot . oh , boy , thats  oh , come on . ow . and thats how paul bunyan started the great chicago fire . boy , that story had everything . a giant , house crushing , a meteor  townspeople . got any more tall tales . well , i suppose i could spin ya a few more yarns . but first , who wants to give me a sponge bath . im filthy . all right . but your next story better be worth it . get in there good . yeah , thats it . dont be shy . there you go . okay . ready for another impression . this is southsidejake tearing into tin can tilly . oh , thisll be good . who put the beans in my bindle . i am so tired of you saying that i put beans in your bindle . it just makes me so  do you ever shut up . kiss me , you fool . uh , could we hear another tall tale . in a sec . all righty . heres a story just for you , little girl . its the tale ofjohnny  no . connie appleseed . oh . back around the great pie known as america was still cooling on the windowsill and everybody headed west for a slice . cleaning my gun with the safety off safety off , safety off cleaning my gun with the  whoopsie . dad , you just killed a poor defenseless buffalo . a poor , delicious buffalo . hell be dinner for the whole wagon train . whyd you kill another one . dessert . ow . hey , i found a bullet . man , buffalo are easy to kill . people if you dont stop this slaughter , youll wipe out the buffalo . wipe out an entire species . why , thats impossible . why is it we have ladders that can put a man on the roof but we cant find a renewable source of food . think , connie . think . connie . wha  connie . that tree . it seems to be calling to me . of course . apples . no , connie , over here . help me . mom , dad , look what i found . oh , boy . buffalo testicles . mmm . no , dad , theyre apples . yuck . well , thats it . i dont want anything to do with this wagon train of death . either switch to apples , or go on without me . hmm . youll be sorry . oh . so connie roamed the prairie alone planting apples seeds all along the way . she even changed her last name to appleseed . and her family changed theirs to bufflekill . i havent had buffalo in six hours . marge how about whipping up some buffalo sausage huevos buffaleros , and some fresh squeezed buffal o . j . the buffalo are gone . i think you shot them all . oh . connie was right . we wiped out the entire species . what have i done . what have i done . calm down , pa . theres two left . what have i done . what have i done . with the buffalo gone , the starving settlers were driven to cannibalism . youre the fattest , bufflekill . okay , everybody , dig in . stop . ive got apples . delicious , nutritious apples . and theres enough for everyone . sweet . its like a hootenanny in my mouth . were saved . its a miracle . hooray for connie bufflekill . what . so now were not eating homer . and thanks to that little girl today you can find apples in everything thats good . apple wine , apple whiskey apple schnapps , apple martinis uh , snapple with vodka in it apple nail polish remover  dont forget applesauce . yeah . i suppose you could grind some pills into it . aw . look out there , folks . thats the mighty mississip . big deal . reminds me of a tall tale about two scalawags rafting down the big muddy  tom sawyer and huck finn . thats not a tall tale . its a book by mark twain . look , lets just do this thing . whitewashing sucks , tom . it powerful sucks . morning , friend . want your turn at whitewashin . its powerful fun . why , you aint fooling me again , tom sawyer . if i may . now get to work . i still got it . now , huckleberry finn , you get down from there . a body could break his neck . i aint afeard of that . id just get a new neck off n a cat . huck . oh , huck , you gave your bones an awful rattling . yeah . but im feeling better right now . aha . papa . hold my daughters hand , will ya . i was gonna let go by and . well , i guess theres no harm done as long as it was gonna be by and . but just to play it safe  were gathered here today to force this man huckleberry finn , into holy matrimony . how romantic . this reminds me of our shotgun wedding . grandpa , weve been married for years . when are you gonna put down that gun . well , i reckon youre right . hang it all . do you , huck , take becky as your wife . whoa . hey , they done switched the groom with a pig . no wonder he was pooping so much . ha ha . come on . lets get those polecats . oh . now well never catch em . i reckon were safe now . theres the state line . uh oh . rapids . man on p . a . please do not exit the raft until it has come to a complete stop . mr . silas , this young ladys flashing her privates . oh . well , ill dispose of this . all for silas . all for silas . im considerable hungry . we got any food left . hmm . looks like were out of corn pone fatback , hardtack , fat pone , corntack . any tackback . tackback . i mean backtack . plumb out . one jug of whiskey , three plugs oftobacky and some extra strength opium . that will be two cents , boys . two cents . hey , if you think my prices are high , go across the street . thank you . come again . he put the lard pone on top of the egg pone . dang . double dang . aw , donkey butter . oh , its no use . i got an idea . uh  hmm . well , dog my cats . theys dis apporated . keep quiet , huck . they wont look up here if nothing draws their attention . old man river that old man river he just keeps rolling well , i see president fillmore is in the news again . glug , . whatll it be , boys . just three xs for me . give me five . this aint no five x whiskey . i can still see . that barkeeps a no good cheat . cheat . eh all right . weve all got derringers . now lets just put em away . nobody here is a cheat . cheat . aw , geez . man , those derringer bullets are weak . powerful weak . light out , and stay lit out . aw , catfish . let us pray for the souls of these dearly departed young men huckleberry finn and thomas sawyer . now for the traditional lowering of the bodies into the coffins . and that was tom and hucks last adventure . i liked that story , cause i was a judge . delaware . well , this is our stop . would you like to come sightseeing with us . were gonna visit the place where jcpenney sends their damaged merchandise . no , thanks . im gonna keep on ridin the rails swappin stories for sponge baths . i believe i told three stories . oh . ill meet you in wilmington . close the door . raise your arm . okay , the other one . you know , i do , uh , sit ups a day . oh , it shows . i was gonna say something but i thought it might sound , you know , weird . oh , not at all . i like when people say nice things about my body . and its important to feel good about yourself . okay , spread your toes . oh . okay , spread your toes . oh . you know how much glass is in here . shh . oh , boy . buffalo testicles . springfield .  . doh . is this the kind of air we want to leave for our children . dont they deserve better . electricity  the fuel of the future . test drive the elec taurus today and get a free gift . my children deserve to see me get a free gift , im proud of you , dad , buying an electric car , will help clean the air up and protect the earths supply  youre faking this to get the gift , arent you . but i liked the nice things you said about me , thinking of saying good bye to gas . you betcha , bart . well , that shut me up , hello , i , uh , love your planet deeply , and am interested in purchasing one of your electronic autos , well , its always nice to meet people , concerned about the environment what ironment . boy , that quiet engine sure makes conversation a lot easier , yeah , and its got a lot of other problems too , dad . youre headed for the harbor . relax . were in an electric car . see . everythings fine , dolphins . oopsie , hi , girls . aw , salt water seems to be good for it , .  . um , im sorry , the car did not meet my eco concerns, , can i have my prize now . certainly , what the  help , it burns , hey , we never opened that envelope to see what our gift is , we didnt . thats odd , seems like we would have done that right after we left the car place , i know , but we didnt , well , here it is , so we can open it and find out now , perfect , aw . movie tickets . that hardly seems worth destroying a car , theyre passes to a test screening of a new movie starring  mel gibson . who else is in it . who cares . mel gibson . mel gibson is just a guy , marge  no different than me or lenny , were you or lenny ever named sexiest man alive . im not certain about lenny , besides , its not just his chiseled good looks , people magazine says hes a devoted father , goes to church every week , and likes to fix things around the  homer , lets make love , uh , okay , uh , youre thinking about me , right . of course , homie , arent you thinking about me . i will now . easy , there , buster , but how did they know . i had a mouse , thank you , good evening , im edward christian , assistant v . p , of finance and distribution , at polystar pictures , man , i shouldve brought the camera , also with me tonight are the dynamic duo , william milo and robin hannah , who green lighted all of shaquille oneals movies , including kazaam . hows the popcorn , guys . needs salt , anyhoo , welcome to our test screening , of mel gibsons directorial follow up to braveheart a remake of the jimmy stewart classic mr . smith goes to washington . i knew i shouldnt have passed on that , now , after the film , ill be handing out these cards for your opinion , we then take your cards to hollywood , california . and change the movie based on your suggestions , any , uh , questions . yes , over here , thank you , hi , will there be any flubber in this movie . glavin , no , im afraid not , ah , for crying out glavin , is mel gibson here . no , sorry , but like all celebrities , hes in hollywood , attending benefits for various diseases , did they like it . they havent seen it yet , mel , howd you get here from la , so fast . john travolta flew me in his jet , now i have to help him move next weekend , he deliberately waited till we were in the air to ask me , you really didnt have to make this trip , mel , the screenings gonna go fine , believe me . i dont know , i think this movie was a big mistake , all i do is talk for two hours , i dont shoot anybody , what was i thinking . you shouldnt worry about the movie william and i both make it fabulous . and i think we know a little something about the movie business , oh , robin , youve got to see the directors cut of booty call . its fabulous . what , even better than the original . cause that was pretty fabulous too , and he fought for them once , for the only reason any man ever does  because of one plain , simple rule . love thy neighbor , boring , its not boring , hes passionate about government , at least the jimmy stewart version , that giant rabbit who ran the savings and loan , . excellent , fabulous , that man knows how to filibuster , well , that was a stinker , i liked it , was nice to see a movie where people solve their problems with words , instead of bullets and chasing , oh , youre just saying that because your boyfriend was in it , ill bet you wouldve hated it if me and lenny were mr . smith , will you stop acting so jealous . listen , i dont want to get spotted by the crowd , so im gonna take a leak behind the dumpster , look . its mel gibson . hey , everybody , rush over there . hey , mel . mel . hi the  hey . hi . mel  hi , everybody , hi , mr . gibson , thanks for coming , folks , and dont be afraid , to be completely truthful when you fill out your opinion cards , honesty is the foundation of the movie business , well be honest , we could never lie to you , mel , um , will you be reading the cards yourself , mel . well , ill be reading yours personally , thats it , im telling mr . stupidest man alive what i really thought of this movie , hey , gibson . sir . got a pencil . there you go , thanks , waste my time in front of this stupid  appreciate it , the movie tested through the roof , mel , the sea captain gave it four arrs , bumblebee man says muybueno . and we were worried about the latino market , huh . huh . huh . huh . yeah , worry , come on , they cant all have loved it , loved it , loved it , loved it , loved it despite absence of flubber , glavin . oh , here we go , your movie was more boring than church , all you did was yak , you didnt even shoot anybody , damn . i knew it , ah , dont do this to yourself , mel , the guys obviously a nut , maybe , hes the only person with the guts to tell me the truth , turn the plane around , i want to go to evergreen terrace , but you promised to help me move , ah , geez , door , marge , im looking for , homer simpson , and ive been looking for you too , pal , pound him , dad . bart , dont . quiet . dads gonna get his butt kicked by mel gibson , knock his teeth out , homer , listen , gibson , im tired of hollywood pretty boys like you , and jack valenti thinking you can have any woman you want , you see this . it symbolizes that shes my property , and i own her , mr . simpson , i need your help , huh . i think youre right about my movie , and i want you to help me make it better , really . you want my help . marge , did you hear that . mel gibson wants my help . mel gibson . but , dad , i thought you hated  shut up , homer doesnt know anything about making movies , dont sell your husband short , mrs . simpson , shes always doing that , mel , oh , homer is a brutally honest man , completely tactless and insensitive , guilty as charged , the problem i have is people love me so much they never criticize me , i speed all the time , but cops never give me a ticket , if l dont pay my taxes , the ir , . s , pays them for me , oh , you poor thing , its hell being mel , come on . geez . i dont have much time , homer , will you come to hollywood with me . you had me at hello , i didnt say hello , hollywood , here we come . hollywood , here we are . stop doing that , mom . a minivan . oh , boy , you celebrities sure know how to live , what is this , toyota previa . dodge caravan , sweet , look . theyre making a movie . robert downey jr , is shooting it out with the police , i dont see any cameras , okay , while mel and i are working , why dont you guys do the town , i hear all the stars eat at a place called planet hollywood , can i stay with you , dad . sorry , son , but were going to be very busy , mels movie really stinks , okay , this opening scene should be in fast motion , everybody likes that cause it looks funny , mr . smith is coming to washington , hes really honest , that could be bad news for us corrupt politicians , big deal , if he doesnt play ball , well teach him a thing or two , see ya , i dont think so , okay , here you need a musical montage where you try on lots of funny hats , itll let us see your playful side , no , yeah , but  no , for those of you who have always wanted to see the famous brown derby restaurant  oh . thats where it used to be , and on your left , is the notorious spot where hugh grant  ew . filmed the movie nine months . ew . you want me to replace the villain with a dog . i mean , nobody will know whats going on , they will if you set up that the dog is evil , all you have to do is show him doing this  .  . and people will suspect the dog , maybe this wasnt a good idea , homer , im sorry i dragged you out here , let me pay your bus fare home , uh , now heres your biggest problem of all , the filibuster scene . that was jimmy stewarts favorite , and it was fine for the s , the country was doing great back then , everyone was into talking , but now , in whatever year this is , the audience wants action , and seats with beverage holders , but mainly action , really think the end is boring . oh , mel , its the most boring piece of garbage ive ever seen , and its not easy for me to say that , hmm , i guess it is a little flat , okay , lets reshoot the ending , ill call the hair and makeup ladies , you see if the teamsters will work for free , piece of cake , now wheres that kid with my latte . according to the map , this house is owned by the dog from frasier . and thats where ellen degeneres and anne heche live , were lesbians . okay , this new ending  that we shot last night  is a little different than what we had , but i think youll like it , its missing some sound effects , and the computer guys havent added the twinkle in my eye  mel , youre coming off desperate , roll it , louie . here comes two . well , im not licked , and im gonna stay right here and fight for this lost cause , somebody will listen to me , somebody will  i believe the senator has yielded the floor , yield this , senator payne , i move we impose some serious term limits , i second that motion , with a vengeance . all in favor , say die , mr . smith , this is highly unorthodox , im the president of the united states , and i demand to know whats going on here , happy birthday , mr . president , pretty cool , huh . you , uh  you chopped off the presidents head , bet you didnt see that coming , you impaled a united states senator with the american flag , why did mr . smith kill everybody . it was symbolism , he was mad . but this was going to be the studios prestige picture , like howards end or sophies choice . ew . those movies sucked , i only saw them to get marge into the sack , p . s , mission accomplished , but weve already bought five golden globe awards , i dont make movies to win awards , especially now that i have two oscars , i make movies for guys like him , yeah , guys like me , who are you anyway . do the words executive producer mean anything to you . executive producer . well talk , youve desecrated a classic film , this is worse than godfather lll . whoa , hey , whoa , lets not say things we cant take back , all right , all right , im sorry , but this film is never going to see the light of day , look , theyre towing away a range rover , theres no  oink . come on , homer , we got a movie to premiere , whoo hoo . weve got to get that film back , or well all be fired , you know what i mean . yeah , fired , huh . huh . huh . give us the film . never . woman on p . a . and on you left youll see rainier wolfcastle filming his latest movie , saving irene ryan . you put me down , you big lummox .  . shut up , old lady , and stop kicking me there . watch out . coming through . homer . land mine . im on it . night , mr . gibson , night , gus , im getting too old for this crap , how old are you anyway . ive been told i can play anywhere from to  sorry i asked , aw , crap . here they come . well , thats it , homer , we shouldve known better than to match wits with studio executives , hey , come on , turn that down under frown upside down . were not finished yet . wow . these dummies look pretty good , well , ive had a lot of surgery , old chum , shh . mr . lamato said hed fire us if you didnt stop bothering the customers , homer , what are you doing here . no time talk , need steal car , must save powerful but controversial movie , hello , quick , mel , get in , forget it , homer , lets just give them the stupid movie , movies arent stupid . they fill us with romance and hatred and revenge fantasies , lethal weapon showed us that suicide is funny , that really wasnt my intention , before lethal weapon i never thought there could be a bomb in my toilet , but now i check every time , its true , he does , movies mean that much to you , homer . theyre my only escape from the drudgery of work and family , no offense , ah , what the heck , lets hit the road , shove over , junior , that thoughtless destruction will surely bankrupt the museum , old chum , shut up . mom , you gotta take my picture in this car so i can show milhouse , oh , sorry , honey , i used up the last roll on that man i thought was judge judy , well , i think we lost them , oh , wait , there they are , let me try something , take the wheel , lisa , but my dad  i said you , weve got him now , oh , no . we killed mel gibson . you all saw it , he came at me with a knife , right . wait a minute , hes just a dummy , i know , but he sells tickets , lets go , oh , great idea , mel , now its my turn , what are you doing . im tired of running away , did braveheart run away . did payback run away . its time we showed those suits what were made of , the heck is that . the one on the left is mel gibson , i dont know who the other two guys are , will you please tell me the rest of the plan . its your plan  from braveheart . your army mooned the enemy , until they could take no more and surrendered , no , they didnt , they attacked us in a horribly bloody battle , remember . actually , i didnt see it , but on the poster  . homer , are you okay . i think so , no , mr . smith all in favor , say die . oh , that digital sound really lets you hear the blood splatter , i dont get it , mel , how can you be so calm and cool . my stomachs full of vomiting butterflies , .  . okay , thats it , lets get ready to meet our public , well , that was disgusting , worst ending ever , i think im gonna be sick , im jimmy stewarts granddaughter , and youll be hearing from my attorney , oh . ow . oh , we should have put in the dog with the shifty eyes , in todays crazy , gentle america for violent dinosaurs like us , how did the country lose its way , mel . when did we stop rooting for the man with the flamethrower , or an acid spraying gun of some kind . i blame the internet , and the return of swing music , well , whatever it is , we gotta get rolling on our next picture , hey , what about a prequel to something . everybody loves prequels , i dont , okay , mr . difficult , how about a teen sex romp , where you and your buddies are always trying to get some . no , wait . a ghost who wins the lottery , you could be the ghost or the lottery commissioner , oh . what about indiana jones . does anyone own the rights to that . hey , mel . i fell out .  .  . shh . springfield . whee . catch . principal skinner , what would you say is the most important firefighting tool . would you say its prevention . oh , absolutely , lisa . that and the sand bucket . whats that stuff . why , this is retardant . sure is . and whats that . thats called a hose lengthener . you need one . whats this . just read the label . its a king sized flamer . bart , will you go bother someone else . look . a fire engine . stop that . help . help . fire helmets . cant you do something constructive . sure , i can do something destructive . just say the word , and ill drive this hoe in his back . i can make it look like suicide . and i want a bike , and a monkey , and a friend for the monkey  youre not gonna start any fires , are you . at my house , we call em uh ohs . hi , fire doggie . can you do any tricks . tricks . thats rich . hes so inbred , he can barely stand up . fire can be our servant whether its toasting smores or raining down on charlie . but it can turn not so nice , as youll see in this skit by the volunteer fire department players . what a great pot party . wasnt it , man . now for a regular cigarette to make the night complete . oh . man , thats good . mad dog , ive been thinking . maybe we should get another smoke detector in case that one trips out on us . why bother , baby . one smoke detectors enough for mad dog . now , lets hit the sack . whoa . check it out . mad dogs on fire . stop , drop and roll , man . thats for clydes , baby . a little fire cant hurt you . but mad dog was wrong . the fire burned through the night and cost him the use of his pants . which just goes to show you  huh . sorry to break character but these stunt pants are gettin pretty toasty . roll , neddie . roll . its not workin . it just spreads the flame . get the fire hose . get the fire hose . whats it doing in the gymnasium . yee haw . bart , have you lost your  bart simpson . youve really done it this time . yeah . it all kind of came together . thank you for coming . thank you for getting me out of work . ill be blunt . barts latest escapade goes far beyond the realm of the high jink . there . now the floor is as good as new . my sport goggles . your son is a ravenous demon , relentlessly gnawing at all thats good and true . yeah , hes something else , all right . but worst of all , he drags down the grades of anyone who sits near him . look at this pattern . hey , that looks like bart . and turning to the map , we see an unmistakable cone of ignorance . put it away . put it away . very well . but theres no escaping the truth . bart has a classic case of attention deficit disorder . you mean like john leguizamo . how should i know . the point is a . d . d . makes children restless and easily distracted . hi , marge . its me  homer . what . time to go . please , mr . simpson . im afraid ill have to expel your son  unless youre willing to try a radical , untested , potentially dangerous  candy bar . no . its a new drug called focusyn . a drug . i know bart can be rambunctious but hes not some hyperactive monster . gimme an f . good lord . gimme an art . hes gotten into the pep closet . whats that spell . id say hes coming out of the pep closet . i dont wanna pump my little boy full of drugs . yeah , we get a lot of that . but then they see our results . these are normal guinea pigs running around like idiots . now ill give them some focusyn . thats amazing and darling . check this out . they become your slaves . yes . but its not about slavery . its about helping kids concentrate . this pill reduces class clownism .  . with . less sass mouth . the only thing more effective is regular exercise .  .  . shred it . shred it . extra gloves . extra gloves . mushroom bonus . reload . how will we get bart to take these . its all about trust , honey . ow . knock it off .  . homer , we agreed wed discuss the medication with bart . medication . some special helpers thatll make you a good boy . i dont wanna take drugs . sure you do . all your favorite stars have used drugs . brett butler , tim allen  tommy lee . andy dick . hes just flamboyant . yeah , and im a size four . dad , i admit i have some problems but drugs arent the answer . why , you little  son , lets forget all about that drug thing . why dont you just come down and have some taffy . nice try , homer . take one bite . if youre not . different  ow . geez , whats the big deal . look , ill even eat some . now  hmm . does mr . simpson have a demon , daddy . looks like it . run and get daddys exorcism tongs . yea . honey , if you dont wanna take the medicine , we wont force you . really . yes , i just thought you might love me enough to let me help you . oh , mom . all right . ill do it for you . way to guilt him , marge . its what i do . good morning , honey . mmm . hows my special little guy . im having some side effects from the dope . its not dope . its something to help you concentrate . all i know is my testicles wont fit in my underwear . bart , get those oranges out of there . back in the lunches you go . ew , mom . oh , grow up . yeah . i have to take these stupid pills twice a day . ill trade you a claritin for one . claritin d . nah . cant help you . i take hormones to lower my voice . now all i wanna do is fight . what are you lookin at . you think you got it bad . i gotta wear a shock collar . oh . thats rough . what was that for . i thought about a girl i like . all right , class , who would like to read the daffodils by wordsworth . ill do it . no , thank you , mr . wisenheimer . sherri . i wandered lonely as a cloud that floats on high oer vales and hills  hey , look at those dogs going at it . i wanna see em . i wanna see em . fightin over a fan belt . dogs are outstanding . all right , people , weve all seen the dogs now , so  what . youre still in your seat . well , its not like i never saw a dog before . that doesnt sound like me . could it be the drug kicking in . i am feeling an urge to straighten up and fly right . come on , people . this poetry isnt gonna appreciate itself . what a lovely day in the park . a perfect place to meet a lady . oh , la , . its sideshow melanie . hey , whats goin on . hey , whats goin on . hey , this things cuttin off my air . oh . what are you doing to me . i said start it at r . p . m . then move it up to on the skirt blow . sorry , krusty , i choked . you choked . you choked . bart . bart . krusty just fired his associate producer . im reading . no way . the seven habits of highly effective pre teens . is this all because of the  joke if you will , but did you know most people use . of their brains . i am now one of them . before , my energy was all over the place . now , its concentrated like a laser beam . well , this has been terrific . lets do it again sometime . are you standing up to get me to leave . its from the book . hey , im not a time burglar . memo to self lock door . all right , ill go . you dont have to be a jerk about it . memo to self shut up , lisa . hmm . thank you in advance for a world class meal . youre an inspiration to our entire organization . thank you again . bart . oh , what a lovely gesture . cost of paper five cents . a mothers love priceless . aw . do i get a card . no , but heres a book called chicken soup for the loser that gave bill buckner the courage to open a chain of laundromats . hmm . my career has kind of lost momentum . i think its the bright blue pants . i mean , youre not on a golf course . well , i have been thinking about making them into cutoffs . i tell you , the kids a wonder . he organized all the lawsuits against me into one class action . thats gonna save all kinds of travel time . you know it . plus , he gave me this appointment dealy . its got my whole week in there . sweet . this thingll do anything . watch . ill ask it how many leagues in a furlong . no , wait . ill make it say , whats a matter, , you . in turkish . and look at this . a cheese grater . man , technologys amazing . a guy could do great things with a gadget like that . well , if you want one , they sell em at  yeah , a guy could do great things . the boys still studying . can you believe it . and hes even tutoring a little navajo boy . and why did humpty dumpty have a great fall . because he took his eyes off the prize . thats right . you stay on the ball , you stay on the wall . hes gone from goofus to gallant . and we owe it all to mind bending pills . barts so well behaved now . maybe you and i can have a night out . oh . lets go to the water park . my ban ended yesterday . i was thinking of something a little more adult . oh , marge . and then afterwards  really . with butterscotch on it . i think you misheard me . youve got more talent than any dancer ive ever seen , and youre throwing it all away . screw you . screw everybody . all right , girls , tops off . its showtime . marge , this is the greatest gift any wife has ever given her husband . i thought youd like it . and im enjoying the friendship between showgirl and that seamstress . pipe down . yes . hush up . you hush up . quiet , everybody . shut up , or ill pound all of ya . that was fun . we have to get out more often . i heard about a new bar where men dance with men . doesnt that sound adorable . well , sure , if its true . is that lisa . im so glad youre here . barts really acting funny . rayj . funny , or o . j . funny . youll see . gotta get it done . bart . honey . gotta finish . close the door . youre probably wondering about the coat hangers . theyre to block the satellite thats been spying on me . okay . it can read your electronic organizer from space . even mine . hey , i had lennys name on that . they have it now . and who are they , exactly . who else . major league baseball . marge , i think barts gone crazy . oh , bart , whats happened to you . nothing yet . but the time draws near . now , lets get those fillings out of you . hey , you found my needle nose pliers . i understand the electrodes , but why does he have to be on a treadmill . oh , that was his idea . he said he felt fat . oh . you said he was concerned about satellites . and their beams . any other strange behavior . he quit blinking . he says thats when they get you . i had a feeling this might happen . this carboxyl group sometimes causes problems . after we trusted you . i think we should take him off the drug . whoa , . you cant just go off focusyn . but we can ease bart onto one of its sister drugs like chlorhexinol , and augment that with some phenolbutamine . hmm , and maybe some cyclobenzanone . thats a great idea . no . you cant take my focusyn . i need every brain cell blazing to outwit my invisible enemies . i know you love focusyn , son , but in time youll get just as attached to these three amigos . no . uh oh . somebodys gonna have a tummy ache . stop him . hes whacked out of his gourd . dont worry . we have a procedure for these situations . ahh . hey , there was just air in mine . and im really worried , chief . theres no telling what he might do . okay , so you say your son is towheaded , button nose mischievous smile , and maybe armed with a slingshot . got it . well find him , maam . looks like the kid who roughed up the wilson widow . oh , my little guys out there in the hot sun without his sombrero . we shouldve paid more attention to these side effects . its all here  erratic behaviour , paranoia , diarrhea  i dont think he has diarrhea . but how do we know , marge . how do we know . i cant believe that sarge said were the worst bunch hes ever seen see , i have to believe hes seen worse bunches than us . but he said  i know what he said . he was just trying to motivate us . well , it ruined the whole hike . you think alex would mind if i asked janet out . married , idiot . whyd you have to yell . you ruined the whole shower . so i gave up tap for jazz , and ive never regretted it . and heres why . homer , youre supposed to be hunting for bart . im on top of it . my sweet baby . he must feel so helpless and scared . dont stop thinking about tomorrow dont stop , itll soon be here smithers , were at war . ill begin profiteering , sir . and hoarding . leave it to the democrats to let the spaniards back in the pantry . egad . a maniac cutting a swath of destruction . this is a job for the green lantern , thundra or possibly ghost rider . what about superman . oh , please . what the  hmm . come on . get out . noodles , seesaw , oopsie lobsweat , hohahjitters , sir wide bottom . oh . im stuck . easy , boys . my bum . im sure im alive , but why . youve raised the bar for all of us , simpson , and i thank you . wow . praise from caesar . huh . shoot the tires out , lou . uh , its a tank , chief . you know what . im gettin real tired of your excuses . what a day . first , the drinking fountain squirts me , and now this . my god , is she brave standing up to that freaked out junkie . dad , that junkie is your son . why dont you just tell everybody . hey , mom . thanks for coming out . oh , thank you for stopping the tank . it ran out of gas . oh . so , bart  question . how about getting out of the tank , huh . maybe stopping your rampage , huh . we could go to krusty burger . okay , sure . whew . right after i blow up one thing . good lord . hes going to fire . all right . scud the school , dude . no , stop . think of the children . not the church . jesus lives there . the frame store . you monster . not the sky . thats where clouds are born . a satellite . what do we do . what do we do . discotheques , frat houses , malibu  nothing about satellite fires . lets just spray it with water already . thats the end of your loony tune , drugs bunny . youre under arrest for astro vandalism . and may god help you if that thing carried the spice channel . major league baseball . i told you they were monitoring my activities . hes right . this things got info on everybody . addresses , credit ratings , what size baseball hat they wear . surveillance beam disabled . market research shutting down . doesnt that beat all . hi , folks . im mark mcgwire . big mac himself . whod have thunk it . young bart here was right . we are spying on you pretty much around the clock . but why , mr . mcgwire . do you wanna know the terrifying truth or do you wanna see me sock a few dingers . dingers . dingers . oh . yoink . its good to have the old bart back . plus , you exposed the disturbing unreadiness of todays army . oh , honey , im so sorry we sent you on that psychotropic hayride . at least i got to see some cool colors . and mark mcgwire gave you an autographed bat . why is the zero made out of glass . who cares . that man can really slug . well , im not giving my baby any more dangerous drugs . from now on , its nothing but fresh air lots of hugs and good old fashioned ritalin . you said a mouthful . when i cant stop fiddlin i just takes me ritalin im poppin and sailin , man shh . oh , whyd you have to shush . you ruined the whole show . springfield . i hope you all enjoy your ride to and tour of the springfield shopper newspaper . groundskeeper willie and i will stay behind to remove all traces of asbestos and the word evolution from our school . next stop , margaritaville . uh  oh , theyre still here . yes . now id like to ask each child to pair up with a buddy so no one gets lost . come of think of it , i havent seen uter since the last field trip . uter . i dont remember any uter . silly name . uter . dad , its great that you volunteered to drive . but how did you get out of work . dont worry , sweetie . daddys got it covered .  . i work hard for the money . so hard for the money oh , i something something money come on give me lots of honey now , theres an employee , smithers . a smile on his lips and a song in his heart . promote him .  .  . turn tape over . hey , i know how we can have some fun . i spy with my little eye something beginning with d . dingus . god bless you , nelson muntz . im no hero . i just like to hit people in the head . hey , you . you cut me off .  . oh , yeah . you . dad . thats an ambulance . oh , right . ambulance . think youre so big with your siren and your letters on backwards . here we are , kids . the zoo . well , thats great , dad . except you were supposed to drive us to the newspaper . doh . welcome to the springfield shopper established in . the newspaper was founded by johnny newspaperseed a boy who roamed america founding newspapers . if hes so smart , how come hes dead . over the years , the shopper merged with the springfield times , post , globe , heraldjewish , news and hot sex weekly to become springfields number one newspaper . wow , a bustling metropolitan newsroom funneling scoops from all over the globe . hi . are you interested in a subscription to the shopper . low introductory rates . no , you gotta help ol gil . whats it gonna take to keep you on the phone . dance for ya . but you wouldnt even see it . you  all right . im dancin .  .  . and this is our comic strip department . who here reads mary worth . lets move on . this is where we store ann landers and dear abby for their hours of daily sleep . my advice is to free us or let us die . check it out , dad . you can print out the headline from the day you were born . oh . pointless nostalgia . id sure hate to be him . and to protect mother earth each copy contains a certain percentage of recycled paper . what percent is that . zero . zeros a percent . hey , i smell cake . cake that says  farewell and  best wishes . your old man has an awesome nose . oh , thats nothing . he can hear pudding . so , mimi , this little shindig is our way of saying farewell to our favorite food critic . what can i say except thanks for the predictable champagne pizza thats hardly numero uno and ice cream cake which reminds us why make flavors when you cant get vanilla right . i wouldnt want to be married to her . i mean , again . who are you , and why are you ruining my retirement party . ill have you know i wandered off from the tour . at least you like the food . oh , i like food , all right . i like pizza , i like bagels i like hot dogs with mustard and beer i get the picture .  . ill eat eggplant . i could even eat a baby deer la la . whos that baby deer on the lawn there .  . enough already . sorry . hey , listen . i just had a thought . were looking for a new food critic someone who doesnt immediately poh poh everything he eats . no , it usually takes a few hours . uh  look id like to give you a tryout . write a sample review . if it passes muster , well put you on staff . thanks for the chance . you wont never regret this , mr . editing guy . you know , homie , the e doesnt work on that typewriter . we dont need no stinkin e . restaurant review . no . eatery evaluation . no . food box  go or no go , by homer  no . earl  no . bill simpson . well . what do you think . this is a joke , right . i mean , this is the stupidest thing ive ever read . whats wrong with it . well , you keep using words like pasghetti and momatoes . you make numerous threatening references to the u . n . and at the end you repeat the words screw flanders over and over again . oh , its so hard to get to words . oh , look , homer , im sorry  no , . youre right . its a joke . everyone laugh at the funny joke . ha ha . ill be right back with the real review . still not clean . stink of failure still on me . dad , im sorry the editor didnt like your review . ill help you write a new review if youll just let me use the bathroom . still not clean . still not clean . okay , what restaurant did we review . well , we went to pt labelle last week . how about that . great . now , let me think . the food was  mmm  not undelicious . the food is delicious . thats brilliant . then i had the sweet , chocolate mousse . really , the only word for it is  hmm . whats the english equivalent for . id say transcendent . how about groin grabbingly transcendent . uh , i dont think so . we make a good team . a groin grabbingly good team . hmph . how about screw flanders . bon apptit . ehh , boths good . not bad . not bad at all . were gonna run this on page one of section h  . whoo hoo . stop the presses . okay , start the presses . that takes four hours . whatever . ill be at moes . this is so exciting , homie . your first restaurant review . marge . shh . its important that no one knows that im a food critic . hear that , maude . homers a critic . homers a critic . pass it on . did you hear . homers a critic . quit changing the subject . where is uter . we just want closure . arr . here you are . one critics special . if anything appears to be movin thats just freshness . can you believe it , marge . this job is the greatest . theyre paying me to eat . if you could just get somebody to pay you for scratching your butt , well be on easy street . why , you little  why , you little  wah . my first publised article although someone elses name is on it . heh heh . welcome to the humiliating world of professional writing . but this is only the beginning . welcome to planet springfield the restaurant owned by me , chuck norris johnny carsons third wife and the russian mafia . each planet springfield is filled with priceless hollywood gewgaws . theres the coffee mug from heartbeepsi and theres the cane from citizen kane . wait a minute . there was no cane in citizen kane . and theres that awful script from the cable guy . lemme see . stupid script . nearly wrecked jim carreys career . you  im gonna what . the food is exquisite . and the view is beautiful inspirational nauseating  hey , homer . great call on that chicken place . and on that rib place . i never knew everything was so good . look , marge . im making a difference in peoples lives . yes , simpson , your love of food is contagious . ive never felt jollier . oh . there go my shin bones again . hey , homer , come here . are you gonna fire me for swiping office supplies . no . whew . some of your fellow critics wanted to meet you . this is garth tralawney , tv critic . why , you  made them cancel platypus mani homer . this is our theater critic , daphne beaumont . and the cosby mysteriesi that show had limitless possibilities . homer , please . sorry . jamie killday , farm supply critic . just got back from the gopher poison show in paris . let me tell you something  the days of clubbing them with a baseball bat are overi for you , perhaps . listen , weve been meaning to have a talk with you about your reviews . everythings a rave . nine thumbs up . what the hell is that . ive given out my share of bad reviews . the only bad review you gave was to a slice of pizza you found under the couch . it lost some points cause it had a hot wheel on it . good lord , youre a critic . you dont have to like everything , e . g . my latest review . we see john deere has come out with this years line of rototillers . surprise , theyre green . i say its time to send john deere a dear john . oh , thats classic . you dont have to patronize me . aaa  okay . lord , thy daughters goneril , regan and cordelia . what is this , merry old england or petticoat junction . lighten up . its a comedy . no , its not . its not . hmm . this pea soup is as weak as the acting and nowhere near as hammy . dad . thats so mean . the other critics told me to be mean . you should always give in to peer pressure . but what if someone bad tells me to  always . huh . huh . whoa . this material stinks . im gonna have to punch it up on the fly . oh , i got one . how do you make a king lear . put the queen in a bikini . heres another one . knock . whos there . juliet . juliet who . juliet so much pasta fazool , romeo doesnt want her anymore . whoa , tough crowd . theyre booing shakespeare . mmm . uh , not bad if lasagna is italian for pile of puke . aah . i chopp a you good . well , i hope you cut me better than you did these string beans . hmm . i seem to be missing a piece of my ear . touch . who wants pork chops . mmm . sorry , marge . im afraid this gets my lowest rating ever  seven thumbs up . you always liked my pork chops . marge , im sorry , but your cookings only got two moves  shake and bake . you like shake n bake . you used to put it in your coffee . people change , marge . my palate has grown more sophisticated . oh , yeah . whats a palate . oh , its a special time in a boys life when  gotta go . so come to the legless frog if you want to get sick and die and leave a big , garlicky corpse . p . s . parking was ample . dad , youre being cruel for no reason . what will people think . people will think what i tell them to think when you tell me what to tell them to think . not anymore . i dont wanna be partners with a man who thinks like that . nobody talks to me that way . im homer simpson , the most powerful food critic in town who will never get his comeuppance . you hear me . no comeuppance . well be right back . i dont need lisa to write a good review . the food at the gilded truffle really , uh whats a good word . sucks . thats great . and the bread was really  come on . help me out here . ruff .  . rough . i dont know . youve been pitchin that all night . chewy . chewy . thats inspired . homer , what gives with this review . you say the salad tastes like bark and the potatoes were very grrrrr . this reads like it was written by a dog . are you crazy . a dog cant type . unfortunately . listen , you gotta shape up . next week is the taste of springfield festival . youll be reviewing every restaurant in town . remember , people have certain expectations about the life ways section . really . like what . oh , i dont know . astrology , broom hilda, , vacation horror stories articles about chronic fatigue syndrome  you know , chick crap . homer , hes outta control a . he gave me a bad a review . so my friend put a horse head on his bed . he ate a the head and gave it a bad review . true story . arr , well , ive had it with homer . his bad reviews are sinkin our businesses . then why did you put yours in the window . arr , it covered up the d from the health inspector . well , i say we ban homer from our restaurants . no . that would be impolite . i say we kill him . now , hold on a minute . are we restauranteurs , or are we murderers . does that answer your question . well kill him at the taste of springfield festival . well give homer all he can eat , till he can eat no more . then hell get his just dessert . this will be homer simpsons last lagniappe . come on . youre gonna kill him with a pastry . ive seen this man eat a bowl of change . this clair has over one million calories . twenty five pounds of butter per square inch . covered with chocolate so dark light cannot escape its surface . no , . this is just a picture . but homer simpson will find the real thing both delicious and deadly . ah , yes . death by chocolate . oh . and poison . ill stick in some poison . homie , my womans intuitions acting up . something bads going to happen if you go in there . oh , marge , something bad usually happens to me when i go in anywhere . doh . ohh . a bat . now , thats a new one . what are you up to , young lady . im reviewing the festival for our school paper . oh . well , im glad to see my ex partner is doing so well without me . pedestrian . uninspired . i didnt say stop . lard ho . arr , tis a good sign . homers unfastened the top button on his pants . uh , no , hes been walking around like that since thanksgiving . im surprised he just doesnt give it up and go for sweat pants . he says the crotch wears out too fast . yarrr . thats gonna replace the whale in my nightmares . well , dont worry . the giant clair will knock homer off the food page and into the obituaries . wait a minute . theyre gonna kill dad . oh . oh , thats a spicy meat a . if we dont find dad , this crazy french guy is gonna kill him . only your father could take a part time job at a small town paper and wind up the target of international assassins . we can find him faster by splitting up . you take fried foods , you take salty snacks , ill take desserts . break . ohh . so full . belly button moving from innie to outie . oh , that looks scrumdiddly doodly get lost . a rude frenchman . well , i never . oh . sweet . oh . dad , no . its gonna kill you . ehh , ive had a good run . dont , uh  um , its low fat . no . whew . that was close . thank god it landed in that smoking crater .  .  . huh . take him into custardy , boys . hah . attempted murder one . now , boys , what would you say to some belgian waffles . actually , i was in the mood for some frittatas . ha . lou and his frittatas . frittatas . oh , he likes eggs . oh , lisa , you saved me . and after all the bad things i said about you . what bad things . why . lisa , the important thng is i didnt get my comeuppance , and i never will uh , dad . i know , honey . the important thing is  run . im finally getting my comeuppancei shh . springfield . its the simpsons now , please welcome your hosts  if you havent been probed by these two you havent been probed  kang and kodos . thank you . thank you . yes . thank you , ladies and gentlemen . welcome to our oh . weve got a great  kang , what are you doing .  . you said we were going to warm up the audience . ladies and gentlemen , i have to apologize for my partner . he had to borrow a human brain . what do aliens have to do with halloween .  . silence .  . i still cant believe we escaped from those horrible vampires . but it was worth it to get back our super sugar crisp cereal . cant get enough of that sugar crisp im having a hard time seeing . homer , did you remember to put the fog lights in . guess i forgot to put the fog lights in i better pull over and play it safe . please be a dog . oh , no .  . ned flanders . hes dead . hes definitely dead . oh , my god . we killed ned flanders . you mean you killed ned flanders . oh . it was an accident . an accident . weve gotta go to the police . theyll never believe a simpson killed a flanders by accident . even i have my doubts . dont worry . i got a plan . okay , ned . first thing we have to do is to make sure that no one knows that youre dead . and if anyone asks you , just say that you are not dead . hey . maude . look whos helping me clean the chimney .  . hey . not now . neddie .  . where have you been .  . hi , maude . diddly . ive been having fun with my pal homer . diddly . oh , im so relieved . whenever you go on one of your late night fog walks , i get so worried . relax . im fine . but when i do die , i dont want any autopsies . well , come on down , you goofy roofy . wow . it sure is slippery up here . my pies are done . oh , she missed it . hey , maude . im home . uh oh . i think im having a heart attack . and thats the end of that chapter . try not to look too sad . itll seem suspicious . and now neds best friend will say a few words . homer . when i think about ned , i cant help but remember the look on his face when marge drove over  homer . shut up . shut up . shut up . oh . wait . what id like to say is were still looking for the real killers . anyway , in conclusion , a man cannot be forced to testify against his wife . stop winking . well miss you , buddy . hey . we just got away with murder . and it was so easy . you know , ive never liked that little wiener milhouse . no more murders . but you got to kill  no . someone saw us . but who .  . homer , stop that . who could be calling at this hour .  . yellow . i know youre alone . who is this .  . is this maude flanders .  . no . its homer . oh . hey , homer . its moe . i must have dialed the wrong number . get in the car . dear god , its homer . if you really love me , youll save my life now . doh . hes getting closer . okay , marge . you hide in the abandoned amusement park . lisa , the pet cemetery . bart , spooky roller disco . and ill go skinny dipping in that lake where the sexy teens were killed a hundred years ago tonight . now , flanders , i want you to  its impossible . i killed you . you cant kill the undead , silly . hes undead , all right . are you a zombie .  . oh , i wish . you see , that night when you hit me with your car  im making record time on this fog walk . better pick up the pace . guess i forgot to put the fog lights in i better pull over and play it safe . so you were going to kill us . yeah . hey , foamy . i want the news , not the weather . marge , did you hear me zing werewolf flanders .  . diddly . flanders . stop that . eyes bigger than your stomach , eh , wolfie . well , . if it isnt the cutest police officer in springfield . hey , you know , we got feelings too , chief . just dump your candy on the x ray belt , ralphie . theres a good boy . safe . safe . razorblade . syringe . oh . white chocolate . check it out , lisa . im radioactive man . i dont think the real radioactive man wears a plastic smock with a picture of himself on it . he would on halloween . get in there , you stupid pillowcase . stop it . youll jam the machine . uh oh . radiation . duck and cover . cool . bart . oh , my god . lisa . shes been crushed . and so have the hopes of our mathletics team . hold the funeral , poindexter . poindexter .  . whoa , lise . those x rays must have given you super strength . i wonder if i got any powers . nope . looks normal . wait a minute . i can stretch . look at me . ow . hot , . i must only use this power to annoy . now , who could that be at this hour .  . yes . yes . up . down . side to side . whats your point .  . ow . gotcha . bart , with these powers , we can become superheroes . okay . so do it already . stretch dude and clobber girl hes a human rubber band and shes a hulk in curls hes a limber lad shes a powerful lass hell wring your neck and shell kick your ass theyre stretch dude and clobber girl stretch dude clobber girl tonights episode enter the collector but i m sure that once girls get to know the real you youll i get plenty of dates . next question . yes . over here . i n episode bf you were battling barbarians while riding a winged appaloosa . yet in the very next scene , my dear , youre clearly atop a winged arabian . please to explain it . ah . yeah . well , whenever you notice something like that , a wizard did it . i see . all right . yes . but in episode ag  wizard . ah , for glavin out loud . behold . i am the collector . and im here to add you to my collection . must remove my breastplate . maybe later . care for a rolo , sweet xena .  . all right , collector . stick this in your tweezers . im not xena . im an actress , you lunatic . oh , please . im not insane . i simply wish to take you back to my lair and make you my bride . oh , dear god . clobber girl . thank you . help . its xena . shes been kidnapped . come on . remember . youre vulnerable to kryptonite . geez , marge . tell the neighborhood . fear not , my syndicated sweetie . youll be preserved in this mylar pouch forever remaining in near mint condition between doctor who and , of course , yasmine bleeth . i dont think so . i dont think so either . youre collecting days are over , collector . stop right there . i have here the only working phaser ever built . it was fired only once .  . to keep william shatner from making another album . stretch dude . help . a sec . hey , phaser , . nah , . good night , retch dude and slobber girl . sweet screams . im unbelievably . amused . soon those bratty buttinskies will be encased in lucite for all eternity . while were waiting , here are some names you may call me on our wedding night . obi wan . iron man . mr . mxyzptlk . and , of course , big papa smurf . what do you need me for .  . you could have your choice of any of the women in these bags . you would think so , but no . really .  . well , i mean , maybe we are meant for each other . growing up , i was always tall for my age , and the other kids made fun of me . i  always hoped for another misunderstood soul to share my pain . you could be that soul , collector . oh . come here , you . xena needs xex . got your lips . oh . you tricked me with a ruse so hackneyed it would make stan lee blush . shut up . oh . ow . ow . that hurts . bart , just let me drop and save yourself . what do you think ive been trying to do .  . aha . not even xena is a match for the limited edition double edged light saber from star wars episode i the phantom menace . you removed it from its original packaging . no . its no longer a collectible . oh . oh . what a nerd . lucite hardening . must end life in classic lorne greene pose from battle star galactica . best death ever . wow . thanks for saving us . no problem . now lets get you kids home . wait a minute . xena cant fly . i told you . im not xena . im lucy lawless . oh . stretch dude and clobber girl this is dick clark , rockin down to the year . and that was white snake . were not white snake , dude . were poison . i thought we were quiet riot . it says here were ratt . oh , right . sorry . man alive . what a stinko thousand years . blimp wrecks . teenagers . then again , we had two tv shows with andy griffith . and with robert urich . tv . funk super freak , super freak im super freakin yow aw , man . whatd i do now .  . wonderful . now , that song is dedicated to all you super geeks who rocked around the clock to exterminate americas yk bugs . slammin . hey , homer . werent you the plants yk compliance officer .  . absolutely . must have been hard debugging all those computers , huh , homer .  . doing what now .  . you did fix them , right , dad .  . because even a single faulty unit could corrupt every other computer in the world . that cant be true , honey . if it were , id be terrified . eight , seven , six  we want to thank dixie brand mayonnaise . whoo , lordy , what a mayonnaise . three , two  thats homer simpsons computer . oh , god . its spreading . happy new wha oh , no . its happening . uh oh . whos gonna clean up all those jets .  . electricity . crackling there goes the clothesline . well , those ivory tower eggheads have screwed us again . lets just have some milk and go to bed . hey . this milks broken . its got a computer chip in it . everything does . oh . oh . judgment day is upon us . i warned you the lord wouldnt stand for your mini dresses and beatle boots . i resisted these for years . why did i wear them today .  . but its not too late to repent your sins and be embraced by the almighty . hey , everybody . theyre looting the mall . hurry . i got nine shoe buffers . im caught on something . i dont want you looting . but i was gonna loot you a present . oh , all right . oh , thank you , homie . a lady remington . well , look at the wonders of the computer age now . wonders , lisa .  . or blunders .  . i think that was implied by what i said . implied , lisa .  . or implode .  . mom , make him stop . krusty . groans oh , no . krusty . my pacemaker . its stuck on hummingbird . nectar . nectar . i need to drink my weight in nectar . krusty . hey , a note . you have been selected for operation exodus . theyre evacuating the earth . were saved . thank you , sweet clown . i n death , you saved us all . im not dead . i can still hear his voice on the wind . there it is . just like the dead clown promised . wow . theres bill gates , stephen hawking paul mccartney . michael jordan , michelle kwan . they must be starting a new civilization on mars with our best and brightest . thats us . name , please . certainly . i am the , uh , piano genius from the movie shine . uh huh . and your name is .  . uh , shiny mcshine . actually , hes homer simpson . thats bart . im lisa . lisa simpson .  . youre the ships proofreader . welcome aboard . now , before you enter , youre going to have to make a very difficult choice . youre only allowed to take one parent with you . mom . love ya lots . good bye, , lisa . remember me as i am  filled with murderous rage . well , son , i guess this is the end . but weve both had long , full lives . oh . right . hey , look . another spaceship . and theres nobody guarding it . lets go . i cant believe i destroyed the earth . are you still talking about the earth .  . youre right . i gotta let it go . all that counts is were alive and rubbing elbows with the greats . oh . theres ross perot . dr . laura . spike lee . wait a minute . theyre not so great . okay . but theres dan quayle and courtney love . tonya harding . al sharpton . tom arnold . what the hells going on . wait . only that ship is going to mars . ours is headed for the sun . yeah . aint that a kick in the teeth .  . i mean , my shows werent great , but i never tied people up and forced em to watch . and i couldve , cause im a big guy , and im good with knots . so were all gonna die .  . afraid so . but hey , the grubs pretty good , huh .  . the sun .  . thats the hottest place on earth . gonna work on my tannage , buddy . pauly shore . wow . hey .  . we should do a show together , man . thats a sure cure for the blues . hey . turn those frowns around . oh , no . rosie odonnell . come on , everybody . sing along . clang , went the trolley this side only . ding , went the bell zing , went my heartstrings from the moment i saw him , i fell clang , went the trolley . dont worry , dad . well be dead in five minutes . not fast enough . springfield . oh , my . war is terrible . ahh . buzz cola , the taste youll kill for . available in ze lobby . do they really think cheapening the memory of our veterans will sell soda . i have to go to ze lobby . im sorry , but were not supposed to put butter on the milk duds . youre not supposed to go to the bathroom without washing your hands either . touch . to the top , please . swim , my pretties . sacre bleu . the deadly poke of zorro . what . n . what does n stand for . no , . its a z . i am zorro . z for zorro . i have come to return king arthur to the throne . its a history lesson come to life . no , it isnt . its totally inaccurate . quiet . here come the ninjas . what part of stop cutting my dress off dont you understand . s . p .  . the scarlet pimpernel . were just , uh , friends . shes lying . slice her head off .  . your honor has been insulted . this will not stand . oh , you dont want to get zorro mad . youre pouring hot butter on my leg . shh , . sir , i demand satisfaction . i challenge you to a duel . do you accept or are you a coward . i am a coward . whoo . you go , zorro . i , king arthur , declare zorro the new king of england . yes . from the zto the o to the double r o hes the dude in a mask from the barrio with his horse and his mask and his big olsword hell cut your butt from a ford oh , move it , q tip . ha . why that little  he insulted your honor . sir , i demand satisfaction . are you crazy , dude . i challenge you to a duel . the dude is crazy . will you duel , or are you a coward . would a coward do this . bye . mmm . my hero . h is for homer . thanks , homer . i told you not to drink all those frescos before we got in the car . mother , please . youre embarrassing me . no , im not . seymour needs the toilet . his bladders full  of urine . yeah , thanks . its just past the end of the bar next to the heavyset guy . heavyset . whats that supposed to mean . take it easy . take it easy . im just sayin . you aint no , uh , tommy tune . no tommy tune , eh . oh , thats it . you insulted my honor . your what now . i demand satisfaction . i challenge you to a duel . hey , a duel . i , eh  isnt that a little extreme . here , have a free beer . really . but youve never given anyone a free beer . yeah , i aint never been slapped with no dueling glove before either . wow . a free beer . and i owe it all to a little glove slap . glove slap baby , glove slap .  . hmm . a glove slap to the little olface will get you satisfaction glove slap , baby a glove slap , baby glove slap , baby , glove slap glove slap i dont take crap glove slap shut your big yap coming through . challenge . duel . hi , lenny . how dare you . demand satisfaction . suh , your challenge is accepted .  . agree to the duel , suh . i choose pistols at dawn . pistols at dawn . oh , why did i have to slap a guy who says suh . youll need a will and a headstone . aisle six . aisle six . dueling at dawn . how did it ever come to this . the national weather service says dawn is still scheduled for tomorrow and to please stop calling . oh , homer . i bet that southern colonel doesnt even show up . yeah , hes probably just a big blowhard like you . sir , that is an insult . i challenge you what . oh , honey , i had the worst nightmare . this glove kept slapping people , and i was getting blamed . vehicle horn . dixie sir . i say , sir . the time has come . no . oh , no . hes out there , isnt he . im afraid so , and his wifes with him . homer . hey , im not dead yet . save me , marge . i saved you . why dont you have the colonels wife save you . oh , marge , thats in the past . just let it go . sir . i say , sir . the hour is upon us , sir . hello . my husband will be right with you . were just taking this old christmas tree to the dump . well , now , i wouldnt be much of a southern gentleman if i didnt help you carry that tree . no , . youll get sap on your dueling blouse . well , at least let me shoot it into smaller pieces for you , maam . well , its worth a try . dont you  were fine , colonel . good day . it looks like you were saved by a christmas tree . and somebody wanted to get rid of it in april . flandersyou , gotta help me . is there a southern couple parked in front of my house . oh , yes indeedy , homer . looks like theyre settlin in for a long stay . i was afraid of that . well , good bye, , my gentle neighbor . you know , ive always wanted to tell you how much  to continue talking , please deposit cents . aw , screw it . we cant go back home . where are we gonna live . oh . how bout that house . that has people living in it . you can see them through the windows . lousy showoffs . look . its jimmy carter . could you build us a house , president carter . we cant go back to ours . im sorry . these are for the truly needy . yeah . get your own habitat . come on , carter . build us a house , you lazy bum . you have offended me , sir . i challenge you to  come back here . why , you yellow bellied come on . move it . where are we going , dad . how should i know . then why are you driving so fast . cause im trying to think . what would zorro do . zorro . rural route . thats it . we can hide out at the farm where i grew up . you mean grampas old farm . yeah . itll be fun  fresh country air , apples for the picking , sing along hay rides . what a dump . race you to the swimmin hole . come on , ma . bring the young uns . theres no leeches . ow , . lots of snakes though . whoo . holy moly . we cant stay here . its full of raccoons . just think ofem as cats with rabies . hello , kitty . ow . oh , yeah , you little scamp . are we really gonna live here and grow crops . absolutely . this is our big chance . the simpsons will be reborn as a bunch of gap toothed bumpkins . ill dig an outhouse . ill weed the floor . ill repress the rage im feeling . thats my girl . let the agriculture begin . all right . lets see what the old girl can do . mm hmm . it doesnt sound very tractor y . hang on . and there . now were talking . doh . dad . go get lassie . lassie . i mean lisa . oh , you poor little sheep . no ones sheared you for years . all right . almost done , my little friend . soon youll be a nice , cool  rat . well , . look at the city slicker pulling up in his fancy german car . this car was made in guatemala . well , pardon us , mr . gucci loafers . i bought these shoes from a hobo . well , la dee , mr . park avenue manicure . im sorry . i believe in good grooming . youre not gonna grow nothin on the old simpson place . thats why your daddy abandoned it . oh , what do you know . well , i know your soil p . h . is up around . and you need it seven to eight max . oh , thats just superstition . you watch me . ill grow something out there . not if youre plantin gummy bears . doh . ah . wow , dad . this is the juiciest watermelon i ever tasted . yeah . i hope i can grow some like that . what are you planting . oh , a little bit of everything . something will thrive in this harsh , merciless soil . and for those who face nature unafraid it is they who reach  im down . pa . move the hand brake . ohh , thats heaven . oh , its been a month . why wont anything grow . maybe it needs more fertilizer . im only one man , marge . well , its probably just a bad growing season . hot diggety . its up to her eye . time to harvest , boys . whoo . nice work , petunia . ere you go . oh , who am i kidding . im no farmer . well , if it isnt mr . salad fork . you couldnt grow stink on a monkey . leave me alone , you big bully . oh , im just razzin ya . its my way . here , have an ear on me . more tumbleweed , lisa . no , thanks . im still finishing my thistles . dad , if we leave for town right now , we could catch the dinner special at krusty burger . sorry , boy . going back to springfield would be a cowards way out . wasnt skipping town in the first place a cowards way out . oh , youre right . im a coward . i made such a mess of things . if only there was some magic potion that would make those crops grow . wait a minute . plutonium . gee , homer , isnt that kind of risky . yeah , i guess youre right . its not . hey , lenny , sending some outgoing mail . you know it . ill probably send some tomorrow . i hear that . easy . careful . steady . mmm . hmm . hmm . time to give mother nature a little goose . well , marge , have you ever seen a field glow like that . its eerily beautiful . but are you sure this is safe . of course not . but you know something . sometimes you have to break the rules to free your heart . you got that from a movie poster . well , when theres nothing left to believe in , believe in hope . whered you get that . from the producers of waiting to exhale . is that plutonium on your gums . shut up and kiss me . mm mm . mmm . wake up , honey . its time to harvest our radioactive super crop . but its only been one night . thats all it takes . if we learned one thing from the amazing colossal man and grasshopperus its that radiation makes stuff grow real big real fast . but didnt grasshopperus kill chad everett . only cause he tried to reason with him . oh . brace yourselves , everybody . youre about to see the hugestjuiciest , possibly superintelligent vegetables man has ever known . you might want to crane your necks upward now to save time . ta da . all right now , dont panic . its possible the giant vegetables are invisible . oh . where are you . oh , honey , give it up . oh , youre right . this farms hopeless . why didnt i listen to those inbred hicks . i guess ill just go hang myself in the barn . homer , no . let him go , mom . wait , dad . you dont have to kill yourself . this better be good . something is growing . a sprout . and theres some more . what is it . carrots . peas . maybe its okra . who cares what it is . its growing . ive saved the farm . yea . oh . look at my babies . this tomato will be heinz ketchup . and this tomato will be hunts catsup . tastes like cigarette butts . hmm . thats odd . the outside looks like a tomato , but the inside is brown . maybe the tomato seeds crossbred with the tobacco seeds . oh , great . i got a field full of mutants . gimme . i want more . mmm . i thought you said it tasted terrible . it does . but its smooth and mild . and refreshingly addictive . mmm , . addictive , eh . tomacco . thats pretty clever , dad . i mean , for a product thats evil and deadly . aw , thanks , honey . im not crazy about the plutonium or nicotine . but it is very nice to see bart eating his vegetables . mmm , . excuse me , mr . farmer man . i promised my son he could tip over his first cow . and i tomacco . yes , its the latest craze . try some , wont you . go ahead , ralphie . the stranger is offering you a treat . mmm . oh , daddy . this tastes like grandma . holy moses . it does taste like grandma . i want more . yeah , me too . well take a bushel or a pack or  just give it to me . yech . can i interest you in a mincemeat pie . theyre very  does it have tomacco in it . no , but i use only the  pass . i was here first . come on , come on , people . dont push . theres plenty of tomacco for everyone . have your cash or food stamps ready . dont forget your mincemeat pie . youre scaring the customers , honey . hello , folks . would you and your family like to take a ride with us . okay . meet the laramie cigarette team . this is mindyj , . p . and emil . homer , were in a bit of a pickle . kids are crazy about tobacco , but the politicians wont let us sell it to them . those dirty , rotten  tell me about it . but theres no law against selling kids tomacco . that little m is worth a lot of money to us , and to you . how much . well , lets say a hundred  and million dollars . one hundred and  may i speak to my family for a moment . did you see the way emils looking at mindy . hoo hoo . i think somethings going on there . shouldnt we be talking about the million offer . oh , yeah . lets take it . dad , its a tobacco company . they make billions off the suffering and deaths of others . shes right , dad . they can afford a lot more . no . im with lisa . lets take em to the cleaners . we all agree that the least we can accept is billion . theyll be back . we control the worlds supply of tomacco and no one can take that away from  stop eating our future . get the  get outta  bad animals . go home . thank god . theres one left . you  look . a flying saucer . hmm . hmm . there , . we had quite a scare today . but youre gonna make us millions . yes , you are . youre about to launch a terrible evil on the world . youve gotta destroy this plant . i know , honey . but what can i do as an individual . i wouldnt know where to begin . burn that plant right now and end this madness . i wish i could make a difference , lisa . but im just one man . i agree . but how . theyre after the tomacco . now you cant tell me nicotines not addictive . lisa , theres absolutely no evidence  tomacco . give them the plant , homer . no . id rather die . aah . take it . well , what a lovely gift . gotta run . so , mindy , how did you want to pay me the million . cashll be okay . or stock . does your company have stock . mindy . mindy and i are just hammering out a payment plan . well talk monday . hey , props to mindy on the grab . boo ya . guys , we seem to be carrying a little extra weight . dont look at me . im on sugar busters . ive never been so glad to be home . i dont know why we ever left in the first place . doh . five , six , seven eight  i say , eight nine and . what is that intoxicatin aroma . could that be  i say , could that be mincemeat pie . it certainly is . why dont you put down your gun and have a slice . ah , dont mind if i do . hey . are we duelinor what . oh , where are my manners . you okay , dad . i think so . the bone stopped the bullet . dad , this might be one of those things you should go to the hospital for . after pie . glove slap shut your big yap glove slap baby , glove slap oh , glove baby , thats where its at yeah glove , baby give it a slap glove slap i dont take crap glove slap shut your big yap a glove slap to the little olface will get you satisfaction glove slap , baby shh . springfield . snooze . need more snooze . mmm . num num, , maggie . num num . did somebody say , num num .  . i cant get maggie to eat . may be if you try . oh , im hours late for work . no time for maggie . oh . wheres waldo .  . nope . nope . this would be a lot easier without all these people . nope . nope . hes there . uh , no . homer . waldo , where are you .  . it is a nightmare out there on the freeways today with surface streets jammed and the sidewalks filled with pushy new yorkers . hey , man . hey . howd you i ke a details magazine up the wazoo .  . oh , sure . single me out . all right , smart guy . wheres the fire .  . over there . okay . you just bought yourself a pointing out police stupidity . or is that a .  . nah , . is a dog , uh  no . or is that a .  . youre in trouble , pal . id hate to see the look on old burnsies face if he knew i was just gettin in . hmm . who is that . big ugly nose . bald . liver spot . liver spot . hmm . turn around , simpson . no . i cant get in trouble if l cant see you . im afraid hes got us , sir . ah . safe in the core . and now  oh . dont forget the leg protectors , sir . ah , yes . ow . yii . oh . i knew i had those installed for a reason . aw , this is the worst day ever . hey , homer . what gives .  . mr . burns is making me eat all these drums of toxic waste . geez . thats rough . there must be yeah . and even a teaspoon could cause a fatal tumor . hey , you wanna come bowling with us tonight .  . okay . hello .  . homer .  . where are you .  . you promised you were going to have a tea party with maggie . oh , marge , im sorry . i cant make it . the cooling tank just blew , and theyre taking lenny to the hospital . oh , no . not lenny . not lenny . yes , im going to have to work late instead of seeing you and the kids , which is what i really want . okay . sure . kids , turn off the tv . i have some bad news about lenny . not lenny . hey , carl . check out the overhead scoreboard . poo . uh , homer . what wacky name do you want .  . are poo and ass taken .  . yeah . damn . could my life get any worse .  . simpson . even for a bowler , youre fat . hey , guys . is it normal to see burnss face on a bowling ball .  . ah , actually , id say youre having a severe psychotic episode . oh , what a rotten day . wow . a strike . hey , if thats psychotic , then why am i takin these .  . oh . youre polishing bone . hey , homer . thats four strikes in a row . you got a perfect game going . really .  . careful what you say , lenny . youll jinx it . all right . sorry . miss . miss . sorry . i was callin the waitress . ah , this split you sold me is makin me choke . lenny . what .  . i paid . for this split . will you at least call it a banana split , you dumb wad .  . hey , spare me your gutter mouth . ow . ow . practice ball . practice ball . real , . whoo hoo . kids , today we have to talk about krusty brand chew goo gum like substance . we knew it contained spider eggs but the hantavirus  well , that really came out of left field . so if any of you have experienced numbness or comas send proof of purchase and five dollars to antidote , po . box this is kent brockman live from barneys bowlarama where local pinhead , homer simpson , is on the verge of a perfect game . hey , there was no accident at the plant . dad just wanted to go bowling . he shouldnt have deceived me but im just so relieved lennys okay . this could be the greatest individual achievement in the history of springfield . which proves just how pitiful this town is . morons . homer . homer . homer . yea . whoo hoo . im pins away from perfection . now , listen , your father really needs to concentrate so well just stay here and not disturb him . why wont they come over .  . im so lonely . this is it  the ball that will determine whether homer simpson rolls a perfect game or a pathetic . yea . yea . whats wrong , abe .  . this is as fast as i can move . get down . get down . whoo hoo . this is the greatest day of my life . you did it , homie . in your face , to do list . homer . homer . thankyou . thankyou . but there was someone else with me on that alley . im talkin about the big man  carl . aw , can the corn , bonehead . children todays local hero is homer simpson yea . mr . simpson bowled a perfect game without the aid of steroids , crack , angel dust or the other narcotics that are synonymous with pro bowling . thank you , barts teacher . you know , kids , my teachers said i would never amount to anything and until last week they were dead right . but now ive achieved perfection . hmm . any questions .  . yes . barts weird friend . will you be my dad .  . youve got a father . hes just a dud . next question . yes . the girl bart has a crush on . do you think i could grow up to be a doctor .  . hey , this was supposed to be about me . now , any other questions .  . pumpkin face .  . headgear . chicken pox . smelly . lazy eye . spikyhead . okay . class dismissed . rock on . hooray . wanna split the birthday cupcakes .  . live frrom shelbbyville , its the springfield squares featuring our new center square , homer perfect gamesimpson . hey . hi , ron . theres a stairway , dumb ass . okay . well start with our returning champion , disco stu . disco stus gonna groove up some dough playing tic tac . stu , we like to downplay the resemblance to tic tac . i can dig it . hit me with the center square . uh , homer . yes , kent .  . according to redbook magazine , what is the speed of light .  . well , that  uh , well , wait . uh , do i read from the sheet labeled jokes or answers .  . oh , for the lo  stop tape . make me center square , kent . im ready . i can handle it . dream on , drunkie . oh , thats it . youre goin down . stop it , you two . youre making scratchy cry . oh , weve got to stop putting these flavors of the month on . flavor ofthe month .  . me .  . yeah , homer . you cant just ride one accomplishment forever . why do you think i stopped acting and became a director .  . i dont know . cause you werent cute anymore .  . mmm . ill agree . circle gets the square . good night , everyone . now , before my partner teller hits the shark infested water ill need to borrow someones crossbow . here . here . i only need one . now , to save my partners life , ill need complete  hello , everybody . did somebody say a perfect game . you idiot . youll ruin everything . im doing a walk on . its a show business thing . so , how you all doing .  . lets see . whats in the news today .  . will you shut up .  . hey , i thought you never talked . uh , i didnt mean to . huh . it just slipped out . oh , god . now penns gonna beat me . folks , its all part of the act . no , it isnt . dont leave me alone with him . youve ruined the act . im gonna kill you . hell do it . im not the first teller . remember , springfield keep on swingin . hey , come here . i i just wanna talk to you . come here . come here . oh . oh . guys .  . remember , in the whole world , theres nobody like you . youre special . so special . thats right . you are . hey , everybody . im gonna be on tv again . thats right . youve got a special daddy . burt reynolds apologized to the pope and promised to replace the windshield . burt reynolds  class act . well , now for our weekly segment , yesterdays news , featuring homer simpson . are you as bored as i am with the antics of this warmed over fred flintstone .  . i say its time to put this one trick pony out to stud . whoo hoo . first up , maude flanders . homer . but she said i  dad , what shes saying is youve had your moment in the sun and now its time for you to gracefully step aside . lisa , i know whats going on here . they did it to jesus , and now theyre doing it to me . are you comparing yourself to our lord .  . well in bowling ability sweet bowling alley balloon youre my only friend . what was that about .  . marge , has my life peaked .  . oh , homie . is that whats bothering you .  . mm hmm . well , the one sure cure for the blues is to talk it over with your life partner . youre right . i cant believe it , moe . the greatest feet of my life is already forgotten geez homer i never seen you this depressed as your life partner , im very worried . save your tears , moe . save em in a shot glass for someone who still has a shred of hope . a shred of what .  . sorry . i was counting the cocktail radishes . now , where was i .  . uh , two , three  radishes . three big radishes . this is the end beautiful friend this is the end my only friend the end weird scenes inside the gold mine well , world , this is it . you know , i always thought youd die before me . now , as i prepare my soul for an eternity of fire and poking  yeah , less chat , more splat , pal . hey , mr . s . i didnt know you bungeed . i want to live . no , . youre too heavy . its a glandular problem . oh . morlocks . c . h . u . d . s . mole people . there is no escape from the fortress of the moles . oh , except that . ow . o lord , you saved me . i guess you had some higher purpose in mind . hey . look out . oh , dumb ass . you trying to get yourself killed .  . not anymore , ron . now im looking for something to dedicate my life to . something noble , but easy . daddy , stop talking to that bum . look , id love to help you out , homer , but im taking my kids to the zoo . thats great . even big stars take their kids to the zoo . well , its a different zoo containing animals youve never heard of . daddy , were missing the fantastapotamus . she only sings twice a day . thats it . kids are the answer . ill dedicate my life to my children . really .  . you have children .  . oh , well , look . heres some money . no . i dont want your pity or your money . usually when you say that , you give the money back . i do what now .  . yoink . listen , boy . i was wondering if you could use a little more fatherly attention . no need , dad . over the years , ive learned to find father figures wherever i can . construction workers , the internet and nelson here . if you tie a string around your finger real tight , you can make it turn purple . i can see i am not needed here . lisa , honey . do you need any help with your homework .  . sure . you can help me find three words where y is the vowel . ive been so blind . ill lavish my attention on maggie , the forgotten simpson . maggie . its me , daddy . daddys gonna spend a lot more time with you . yes , he is . yes , he is . wheres maggie .  . wheres maggie .  . hey , where is she .  . there you are . hi , maggie . im homie womie, , the teletubbie . and im all man , in case you heard otherwise . lets see whats on tummy vision . ow . oh , that hurts . ow . ow . whee . whee . dont be scared , maggie . daddy wont drop you . youre a tough cookie , maggie , but im gonna win you over just like i did with lisa . hi , honey . okay , dads . this is where your childs trust in you really pays off . doh . come on . come on . come on , maggie . you can trust me . come to daddy . come to daddy . come to daddy . im sorry , maggie . i never realized things between us had gotten this bad . what are you pointing at .  . the ocean .  . thats a great idea . well swim in the ocean . see , maggie .  . the ocean is just like a bathtub . except instead of rubber duckies it has barracudas and moray eels . nothin to worry about . just a little wave . and this riptide is certainly nothing daddy cant struggle against . help . help . somebody , help . current too strong . i know . if l sink to the bottom , i can run to the shore . maggie , call aquaman . maggie , youre swimming . you swam out to save me . oh , you do love me . mr . simpson , youre going to be fine although you do seem to have swallowed a number of shark eggs . actually , that was befrore i went in the ocean . i dont want to pry into your personal life  then dont . doctor , how could a little baby save a full grown man from drowning .  . its quite simple . when a parents life is in danger , a child can summon superhuman strength . well , all i care about is that my little girl loves me . oh . and were gonna spend a lot more time together from now on . good girl , maggie . you knocked down all the pins . but you stepped over the line just a little bit so ill have to give you a five . and that gives you a final score of . looks like daddy won . but is awfully good for a baby . yes , it is . its very good . and youre a good little baby . yes , you are . shh . springfield . these swedish furniture designers sure have some far out ideas . i mean , a green table . i wouldnt have thought of that in my wildest dreams . and these beanbag chairs look so comfortable . oop . hey , theres someone else in here . arr . she swallowed me whole . you put it together yourself . all you need is me allen wrench . hes named after what he is . cool costume . its not a costume . they found me inside a meteor . excuse me . where are your hamper lids . hamper lids . uh , third floor . help . i need tungsten to live . tungsten . oh , look at all these clever pencil holders . oh , i wanna get the kronk . you dont want something that overshadows the pencils . how about this p pli . mom , no . everyone at school picks on the p pli kids . even i do . i just hate them so much . yes , i will have the plopenlugen . and dont skimp on the doodlemunch . how ingenious . the forks are made out of lego . mmm . hello , simpsons . hey , apu . manjula . you guys are still married . oh , yes , sir . quite happily . pay up , marge . say , what you got there . i dont know exactly . its from the room of lamps that do not look like lamps . hmm . oh , little maggie . arent you cute with your little bow . maggie loves baby talk . that was hindi . oh . sorry . so , have you two thought about kids . well , sure we have , but the decision to have a child is not to be made lightly . on the other hand , monkey see , monkey do . kids are the best , apu . you can teach em to hate the things you hate . and they practically raise themselves , what with the internet and all . well , perhaps it is time . ive noticed this country is dangerously underpopulated . are you sure you want a child , apu . you know , i do . i mean , there comes a time in a mans life when he asks himself , who will float my corpse down the ganges . oh , apu , take me now . oh , calcutta . hey , apu . sittin in the ice cream cooler , eh . by chilling my loins , i increase the chances of impregnating my wife . whoa ho . too much information . thanks for the mental picture . why dont you tell us what you really think . would you stop spouting those hackneyed quips . could you be any more  hello . lookjust , give me some ice cream . um , how bout one not touching your ass . whoa . manjula has begun to ovulate . ew . thanks for sharing . more than i wanted to know . here goes nothing . baby . baby . oh , lemon . all that sex for nothing . well , that is a pretty grim assessment . you know , homer , you might want to open those cans before they explode . but the cans seal in the flavor . okay . so , hows the tribe coming along . any papooses . no . still no luck . tell me , homer . did you have to take any special steps when you decided to have children . decided . thats classic . decided . babies just happen . well , not to us they dont . oh . homer , we have tried everything  oysters , gravity boots , sanjays bed , every possible position . really . on top and underneath . eh , yes . well , dont worry . i can help you . im all about ideas . kids , come and get it . now , this situation is guaranteed to end in pregnancy . uh , im willing to play the high school jock but did you have to cut the roof off my car . hup hup . thats an apu question . youre greg . uh  gee , betsy , its such a nice night . wh dont we go all the way . but , greg , my dad will kill me . and you have that scholarship to ivy league state . loosen up , baby . tomorrow im shipping off to vietnam . i  thought i was going to ivy league state . my mistake . stay in the moment . just promise not to forget me on your dinosaur bone digging up trip . and thats my cue to exit . homer . i just wanted to invite you to the wrap party . and thats my cue to exit .  .  . baby . baby . pirate . no , wait a minute . pirates are wild . we are pregnant . oh . oh , get lost . man , the last nine months sure were crazy . ill say . i learned the true meaning of columbus day . i enjoyed a brief but memorable stint as sideshow marge . i became the most popular girl in school but blew it by being conceited . and then i learned the true meaning of winter . apu , do you still find me attractive . of course i do , sweetheart . you are beautiful and silky and manageable . youre reading that off a conditioner bottle . i thats true . but you still have a  my water broke . oh , we must drive to the hospital . cleanup in aisle three . oh , finally . gils moving up to the big leagues , boy . oh , m back . apu , come quick . youre missing the miracle . wha  oh , my sweet husband . say hello to your firstborn child . oh . you shall be the jewel of our lives . oh . now say hello to your other seven children . my what . we had quite a discussion about the funniest way to reveal them to you . you have octuplets . it rolls off your tongue and into your heart  octuplets . apu , you should have seen your face when they showed you those babies . yeah , that . it looked just like that . apu , say hello to punam , sashi , pria uma , anu , samdeep , nabindu and mamas clear favorite , geet . how did we get eight . apu , i must confess . when we were having trouble conceiving i took fertility drugs . i , too , am afraid im guilty of monkeying with nature . i slipped fertility drugs into your breakfast squishy . mmm , . well , that would only account for quintuplets . did anyone else slip this woman fertility drugs . mine tasted like strawberry . mmm . ovulicious . would you say you and your babies have a love eight relationship . absolutely , yes . no , say it . we need a sound bite . we have a love eight relationship . yes , kent brockman , channel . how would you respond to people who say this kind of multiple birth is more suited to , say , a possum than a human being . who would say such a thing . well , pundits , wags . im not the one on trial here . no one is on trial . this is a joyous occasion for all . and the outpouring of support has been so lucrative . yes . we have already received lifetime supplies of baby powder and pepsi b . free baby cola . apu hits the jackpot and im stuck with these useless one tuplets . gee , sorry for being born . ive been waiting so long to hear that . how do you feel about this avalanche of free merchandise . oh , the companies are so generous , except the q tip people . they only gave us three crates . they can rot in hell . but the good folks at sony  mwah  their giant tv will really help us love our babies . im here at shelbyville hospital where a local woman has just given birth to nine  thats right  nine babies . some say eight babies is a blessing but they dont know the joy of nine . would you say youre on cloud nine . were on cloud nine . oh , they even have a better sound bite than us . nine babies . thats barbaric . nonuplets . now thats something you dont see every day . lets get this stuff to the real heroes  the shelbyville nine . wait . thats our ottoman . dont worry , my little curry face . we dont need corporate handouts . our children will live on love . apu , its a . m . youre late for work . oh , i just had the most beautiful dream where i died . oh , no , you dont . not till theyre out of college . listen , ill die when i want to . thank you . steal again . well , morning , apu . how are the little blessings . oh , they are a ravenous swarm of locusts just eating and screaming and grabbing and poking and pulling and drooling . and two have cradle rash . how do you get cradle rash when you sleep in a suitcase . they can be a handful of joy . shut up . theyll fill your lives with  shut up . cant put a price on a miracle . i cant believe you dont shut up . oh , look at that . oh , a gingerbread house . hansel and gretel are set for life . you know , i saw apu today . hes really frazzled . boy , that hansel sure can eat . my corneas . you were saying . apu told me all eight babies have colic . although he thinks one or two might just be going along with the crowd . eight kids . mmm . im sterile , right , baby doll . yes , dear . from the nuclear plant . beautiful . knock , . hmm . apu . manjula . marge , i got a bad feeling about this . welcome to my nightmare . i knew you had your hands full with the babies so i baked you some banana bread . oh , hallelujah . our problems are solved . we have banana bread . well , you dont have to be sarcastic . oh , look whos here . the family with one baby . how do you manage . marge , theyve turned into jerks . im very sorry . weve been rude . can i offer you something to drink . no , thanks . apu , theyre doing it again . okay , break it up . maybe you two should get a nanny . yes , and what would i pay her with  banana bread . sorry , . its just we havent slept in days and were running out of money and  banana bread . what the hell were you thinking . banana bread . i apologize . i apologize again . as a token of forgiveness , please take this baby . mmm . no . marge , no . mr . nahasapaso  aw , forget it . listen . you look like you could use some help . come with me . okay . but you dont know who he is . who cares . theres only one of him . what if your babies could live in a place with round the child care all expenses paid , full medical , dental , tutors , the works . i would say that there must be some sort of horrible catch . the zoo . what . everybody loves my zoo . you dont love my zoo . i dare you to look at a kangaroo and not laugh . i dare you . well , theyre usually funnier . look , im not going to put my babies in a zoo . dont say no till you see the habitat . the habitat . i mean the nursery . oh , my goodness . not too shabb , eh . thell have the best of care . and all i ask is that you let the local folks share a little glimpse of your blessing . but is it right to put such young children on display . sure it is . huh . butch patrick . thats right . i was tvs eddie munster . and being in the public eye didnt mess me up one bit . mm hmm . well , obviously . hey , one question , eddie . butch . yeah , right , . if your mother was a vampire and your father was a frankenstein how come you are a werewolf . huh . i never thought of that . doesnt make sense , does it . but what does make sense is putting your children in the hands of mr . kidkill here . please , . larry . larry kidkill . hmm . i dont care what butch patrick says . it just doesnt seem right . we wouldnt be giving the babies away . wed be moving in with them . theyll have a traditional zoo ish upbringing . hmm . well , may be we could try it . what the  hey , im a notary . so i got that goin too . oh , you like that , dont you , punam . yeah . whos a clean baby , huh . ah , now this is a happy family . you likin this thing . hows the humidity . good . why am i asking . i can see on the meter its good . oh , everything is perfect . yeah . nothings too good for my little angels . hup . its almost showtime . showtime . all right , people . if youre not in a diaper , get off my stage . off , . i cant believe were gonna see the octuplets . you already saw them . yeah , but now their umbilical cords have fallen off . ladies and gentlemen get ready for the eight wonders of the third world . welcome to octopia . he cant talk , but , man , can he rock . say hello to the baddest baby in the whole damn town animal . welcome to the jungle we got fun and games . how can he rebel . he doesnt even know where he is . uh oh . sounds like one of the babies has a fever . dance fever that is . lets hear it for dazzle . shes no liza , but it works . and now the stand up who cant even sit up give it up for punch line . hes thinking what were all sayin . but all the laughs in the world wont protect you from the stern discipline of the baron . boo , baron . and the rest . r o the u . s . a . whoo . r o the u . s . a . r o the u . s . a good night , springfield . well be back in an hour . rockinin the u . s . a huh . good babies . good , babies . work with dazzle . shes a lox out there . how could you do this to our children . i know . the lighting cues were a mess . dont worry . the guys been fired . our babies are not circus freaks . were taking them home now . hold on , alpo . we got a contract . not anymore . laminated . you monster . terrence , christopher , will you show these two to the exit . avec plaisir . im afraid theres nothing i can do . the zookeeper paid you off , didnt he . paid me off . what , are you crazy . mmm . mmm . so well never see our children again . well , they might give dazzle back . the buzz is shes got one more show to turn it around . well , if the police wont help us , well simply have to take the law into our own hands . yeah , a lot of people are doing that these days . these animals certainly act different at night . oh , my little treasures . well get you out of this terrible place . shes waking up . dont worry . i brought some chloroform . pleasant dreams . there . and there . you idiot . those are colorforms . nabindu , pria and sashi . now lets go . okay , this is gettin weird . oh , my precious babies . well never let you go . oh , lets get this awful thing off . no , . let me  okay , whatever . hold it right there , scumbags . please , mr . kidkill look into your eyes i know these babies have a lifetime contract but what if i put together an even better act for you  something sensational . its not just you prancing around in a monkey suit , is it . not anymore . you got yourself a deal . quiet . youre breaking character . are those real cobras . some are real . some are just robots filled with venom . now that is a true friend . if he can handle that , maybe we can handle this bunch . well do our best , chutney butt . okay . okay , dont panic , butch . release the mongoose . stupid mongoose . get the snake . the snake . do i look like a snake . ow . ow . why isnt he listening to me . ow . shows over . shows over . next show at .  . and .  .  . shh . springfield .  . doh . tonight on guinness book of world records  a man who holds the current record for least amount of faces , with none . help me . youll also see the worlds smelliest tumor . ew . these records used to be real accomplishments . now theyre just gross . plus , youll meet a dog who cant predict anything . then three other things . when we come back , well show you the contents of a supermodels stomach . what an age we live in . oh , look at all that sweetn low . hey , remember the s .  . remember television , coca cola and dick clark .  . i remember television . come join me , wolfguyjack at greasers cafe where its every day of the year , baby . actual year may vary , consult calendar for current year , a s style restaurant . what a neat idea . why dont we eat there tonight .  . nah . well go next month . lucille you dont do your daddys will . ow hmm . dennis the menace . yes . i was americas bad boy . i once hid my dads hat . uh huh . and another time , i accidentally stepped in mr . wilsons flower bed . that was a two part episode . i have to go . california , here we come . it is not a real car grandpa allen gaines burgers un american cheese sandwich .  . polio dogs .  . its clever how the names remind you of the s and at the same time , tell you what there is to eat . hmm . hmm .  . wow . look at this old timey gizmo . i feel like ive gone back in a time machine . dad , they have those everywhere . what an age we live in . oh , man . oh , my throat doctor says im not supposed to do that anymore . okay . is everybody ready for our nightly dance contest .  . dancing .  . oh , no . youre not gettin me on that dance floor . dont try and make me . if i have to get a divorce , i will . our grand prize tonight is a vintage harley davidson motorcycle , i need a dance partner . what about you . okay dare to go hey set your socks hot up and your toody to poody here we go with mental house rock by johnny bobby . doctors threw a party at the loony bin you gotta be crazy if you want to get in napoleon is playing has imaginary sax the dance floors filling up with maniacs lets rock do the mental house rock lets rock do the mental house rock whoa . wow . a s nostalgia cafe . if you wont dance with the doc hell giveyou electric shocks zap , well , . i have never seen such reckless disregard for a wifes well being in my life . you just won yourselves a motorcycle . whoo hoo . whoo whoo . its mine . finally ive won the respect of my fellow m  get away from it . okay , hepcats . lets twirl some more platters at greasers cafe where the s are never goin away . well , that dream is over . at least we still have each other . right , honey .  . honey .  . god . man , youre bending the hell out of that kickstand , dad . why dontyou just take it for a ride .  . promise you wont laugh .  . yeah , i promise . i dont know how . youre kidding . you dont know how . will you teach me .  . of course . you showed me everything ohyou , took me by the hand puppy dogs and lincoln logs and castles made of sand you gave me the courage to spread my newborn wings spread mayonnaise and marmalade and other spreadable things so i guess you are my hero and theres something you should know i want to make it clear so im gonna sing it slow if you werent a man and my father too id buy you a diamond ring and then id marry you all right , class . today well be sitting quietly in the dark because teacher has a hangover . its like a chainsaw in my head . oh . later , homer . sweet hog , mr , simpson , remember to rebel against authority , kids . dont listen to him , children . w we already did . now i cant get it out of my head . thankyou , nelson . the sermon today is on john .  . i think it was jesus who said blessed are those  oh , the heckwith it . church dismissed . all right . will you turn that engine off .  . quiet , marge . the motorcycle and i are trying to sleep . i know . i know . just tune her out . and now back to your tuesday morning movie , oh , i dont know whats come overjimmy . he wont do his homework , he only salutes the flag with one finger and he comes home every night with other peoples blood on his shirt . hes a rebel , i tell you . a rebel without a cause . just like that boy in that popular movie we saw . look what youve done to beautiful display . yeah , thats the life for me , marge  cruisin and hasslin shopkeepers . when will you teens learn to be uncool like everyone else .  . never , pops . thats right . never . yeah , you can arrest me , but youll never defeat the cobras . nothing can defeat a motorcycle gang . a gang . thats the answer . answer to what .  . hey , dont make me hassle you , lisa . if you want to be in the gang , eventually youre gonna have to get motorcycles . yeah , we know . hey , homer . can i join .  . this gangs for rebels , flanders , not conformos . yeah . buzz off .  . well , if l were a member , we could use my rumpus room as our lair . that guy just dont get it , do he .  . my rumpus room with the new bumper pool table .  . bumper pool .  . im there . the first meeting of hells satans is called to order . i move we reconsider our club name . make it something a little less blasphemous . after all  we dont want to go to hell . how about the devils pals .  . no . you see  or the christ punchers .  . the christ  i  dont think you understand my objection . im the president , and the decision is mine . were hells satans . besides , i already made our club jackets . whoa . machine wash warm . tumble dry . oh , la , . wait up , guys . i gotta empty my grass bag . hells satans , huh .  . im watching you punks . cant hassle us , pig . were goin the speed limit . oink , . yeah , pig . yeah . oink , . youll make a mistake someday . and then youre going straight to juvie . you can lock us away , but youll never defeat the cobras . cobras .  . i thought you were the hells satans . uh  oink , . oh , how can i be down a thousand bucks .  . get away from my store , you young hoodlums . and what if we dont , pops .  . hes got a broom . lets get outta here . forget the pennies . go . go . you promised me no more brooms . i know this is not your way . but were in america now . they printed my photo of our gang . carl looks great . cant take a bad picture of that guy . you took a picture of me when i was asleep .  . well , if youd been awake , you wouldve said no . you can see the bind i was in . her turn ons include thievery and liquor . her turnoffs include underpants , pedestrians and justice . oh . what in the world .  . whoo . were the hells satans out of bakersfield . youre the hells satans .  . what a fun coincidence . my gangs name is also the  shut up . you stole our club name . according to our bylaws , we gotta stompyou . take offthat jacket , man . okay . now eat it . all right . hey , . chew with your mouth closed , please . sorry . done . okay , meathook . i think he learned his lesson . oh , man . now you gotta eat that too . oh . you got anything else with our logo on it .  . caps and frisbees , sir . you gotta eat them too . and some pogs . me and mybuds just like to go were havin fun everybody knows we dont fuss and we never cry we just groove takin in the sights me and the boys ew . just me and the boys you keep it . me and the boys i think its great youve chosen to crash here . but do you have to be so messy .  . yeah . its part of bein a low life . hello , police .  . can you send a swat team to evergreen t  forget it , simpson . those pig noises you made really hurt my feelings . lookin like a pig as i do . but you have so much inner beauty . well , uh , be that as it may uh , the gang is wanted in eight other states . and we have a little saying around here  let michigan handle it . stop that . if you want some food , ill be happy to make you some breakfast . id kill for some waffles . he has . remember the i hop in oakland .  . thats  hey , this is a lot better than that rancid filth we find in the dumpsters . thankyou , ramrod . marge , how did you get my acket so clean .  . ive tried everything to get those blood and puke stains out . ive tried hitting em . ive tried yelling at em . all it takes is the right cleanser and a little elbow grease . do you have anything thatwill get this emblem back on my jacket .  . i tried spitting at it , you know , but  put it on my sewing pile . okay . im doing another load of bandannas . hey . hey . thats a leave in conditioner . youre done . next . dad , im tired of bathing in the yard . plus , i think rod and todd are watching . no , were not . okay , bikers , thats it . benjamin franklin once said that house guests are like fish at  huh .  . theyre gone . whoo hoo . and those bikers saw that hard look in my eye  you know that hard look i get sometimes  and they ran away like schoolgirls with their tails between their legs . way to go , dad . hey , wheres the food .  . and why arent i at school .  . yeah . someone really dropped the ball here . marge .  . marge .  . dad , theres a note on the back ofyour head . really .  . read it . hmm . thanks for letting us crash in your pad . we had a very nice time . oh , thats sweet . p . s . weve taken your old lady . doh . could you at least tell me what youre planning to do with me .  . oh , dont worry . youre completely safe . none of us find you sexually attractive . none of you .  . really .  . i couldve sworn that ramrod  hmm . did you see that picture of me in  and you still dont  sorry . hmm . well , good , i guess . now dont worry . im gonna search high and low for your mother . but just in case i dont find her , i want you to contact this agency . korean love brides .  . i just dont want to be alone . excuse me . has anyone seen a woman wearing  hey . thats more like it . im looking for  yeah , come on mmm . mm mm . ill showyou . okay . we kinda got off on the wrong foot there . long story short , my old lady was  what the  mmm . some people never learn . ow . all right , satans . we roll out at dawn . where are we going .  . to the bikersjamboree in south dakota . youll love it . mickey rourkes comin , and were gonna jump him . you know , theres more to life than boozing and rough housing . huh .  . havent any of you ever had a dream .  . yeah . i had a dream . i was in this beautiful garden pounding the crap out of a shopkeeper . then  no , . i mean the dream of a good job a loving family and a home in the suburbs . oh , man . to get all that , youd have to kill , like , people . no . you dont have to kill anyone , not if you have jobs . and the first step is an eye catching resume . no , i believe its pronounced resume . actually , both are acceptable . yeah . i did see some bikers ride by here with a blue haired woman about minutes ago . said they were gonna spend the night at crystal lake campground section k , space . im sorry i cant be of more help . i guess ill never find her . and when you get a job interview try not to call your employer a punk or a skank . makes sense . oh , dont call them skanks . uh , miss simpson , i killed my pencil . broke . you broke your pencil . i broke him . thats right . and what else have we learned .  . oh . oh . that , uh , violence is wrong . excellent , ramrod . civilized people solve their disputes with words . homer , stop . no , you dont understand . marge .  . what do we do here , marge .  . hes using violence . talk to him . use your words . homer . homer , stop it . weve given up our violent ways . we justwant to live peacefully with your wife . no . my wife is not a doobie to be passed around . i took a sacred vow on my wedding day to bogart her forever . oh , homie . theres only one reasonable way to settle this . you and me in the circle of death . oh . i just swept the circle of death . fight . fight . fight . fight . huh . oh . hes got the wrench . uh oh . what the  we both knew it would come to this . you and me , chopper to chopper . you know what im gonna do after i kill ya .  . take your wallet . never . it was a gift from newsweek . homer . give me back my wife . okay . okay . you win . i dont blame you for wanting her back so bad . a woman like that only comes along every couple of miles . oh . hey , can we at least keep her till the orgy in san berdoo .  . what do you say , honey .  . no . no dice . good bye, , everybody . bye , mrs . simpson . bye , mrs . simpson . good bye, , marge . bye bye, , mrs . s . well stop at the nearest town and mail our resumes . resumes . it still sounds weird to me . why are we stopping here .  . taking care of some unfinished business . hey . go . go . go . shh . springfield . get me down . our top story the ozone hole that devastated brazil last summer is apparently wintering in springfield . whoo . springfield rocks . residents are advised to stay inside unless you wear sunscreen or are very , hairy . experts recommend a class nine or robin williams level of hair coverage . help . somebody . let me in , for the love of  are you okay . ive been better . oh , i am so bored . i cant wait till were teenagers . then well be happy . well , we could play clam traffic jam . or the game of county seats . aw , the zoning disk is warped . all right . silly string . look . youre milhouse . who wets their bed now , milhouse . ill be in my room its got to be something fun in my parents closets you want to dress up like ladies . uh , wouldnt that make us kind of fruity . whats the matter . scared you might like it . ill show you whos scared . oh , wow . this really hides my thighs . sisters are doing it for themselves hey , why is this door locked . oh , no . its dad . whats going on . and i want a non gay explanation . uh , were drunk . really drunk . oh , thank god . clear . why are you doing that . oh , its good for the batteries . now , im afraid your son has cracked his coccyx . sorry . how long will he take to recover . hell have to wear this fanny cast for quite some time . but dont worry , son . it fits snuggly under your clothes . do all these people have to watch me . now , son , this is a teaching hospital which is why i equipped the seat of your cast with a viewing window . oh , my . oh , now thats something . he should exercise more . uh , little help . bart , stop fooling around . principal skinner , i thought public schools were required to have access ramps for the disabled . technically , yes , but the building costs would be astronomical . did i hear the word astronomical . if so , my construction outfit , valdazo brothers olive oil , is poised to help . no , . were not building anything . how can you say that when construction has already begun . how did those trucks get here so fast . in order to avoid certain legal complications , the trucks are always rolling . now for the groundbreaking ceremony . good lord . do we really need all those ramps . whos to say . does a peacock need all those feathers . look . youre getting a little philosophical for me . i suppose so . they say it happens in the autumn years . be that as it may  get your hand off my car . this is a proud day . now , when people ask if were in compliance with the americans with disabilities act of i can say , we are closer than ever before . thank you . to inaugurate our ramp system heres the first of what i hope will be many disabled students , bart simpson . im proud of you , boy . what the  bart , wheres your wheelchair . dont need it anymore . doctor says my butt bones stronger than ever . ta da . well , at least were prepared for the new millennium . my god . the whole things made of breadsticks . and paint and shellac . its all itemized in this bill .  . are you mad . i dont get mad . i get stabby . the good news is we need no longer fear vicious mob reprisals . but due to lack of funds , springfield elementary is closed forever . yea . oh , youre cheering now . but someday youll  yea . im just gonna stop trying . yea . how could you close the school . what will become of our kids . where are the refreshments . you keep asking me that , and i keep telling you over there . as for the school we are exploring various options to raise the we need . ive got a motor home i never use . maybe we should raffe it off . maybe you should shut up . well , i  okay . we could try selling liquor . uh , im doing great . please , sir . put some shoes on . what . you dont like my bags . people , these are all good ideas  no , theyre not . theyre terrible , ideas . youre right . its hopeless . no one has that kind of money . what about mr . burns . maybe hell help us out . forget it . he releases the hounds on every charity that comes to his door . feed the children . save the whales . even release the hounds . uh , well , maybe we can pry open his wallet with a slick , professional pitch . a school play . welcome to the world premiere of the nice man giveth . focus . its a play , sir . hmm . which one of these is the salt . too bad im an idiot cause my school closed . oh , well . no . thats the rat poison . and freeze . now , who in springfield will eat the poisoned broth . oh , it could be anyone . even mr . burns . this play really speaks to me . i cant take mr . burns to the hospital cause im too dumb to read a map . oh , why did my school have to close . hmm . hello . im dr . stupid . im going to take out your liver bones . oops . youre dead . i never liked that dr . stupid . mr . burns , ill be honest . we had a hidden agenda tonight . no . the holiday season is approaching , and these children need a school . charity , eh . yes . id be more than happy to  oh , its doing that thing again . we now return to dnde est justice . el ford escort que me vendi es un limn . no , . no es un limn . es un carro fuerte . hmm . limn . fuerte . limn . fuerte . limn  ay , .  . mi estmago . daytime tv is muy estpido . hey , our schools on tv . springfield elementary has reopened its doors . im with jim hope of kid first industries which has generously stepped in to educate our children . thats right , kent . you know , when public schools drop the ball its up to the private sector to fall on that fumble and run for the end zone . will you be replacing the current teachers and administrators . very much so , kent . but theyve already received an extremely generous severance package . valencia . these are juice oranges . howdy , children . id like to welcome you back to school . boo . you know what . i agree . wha  your old school was boring . thats why it failed , right . well , were not gonna make you memorize facts and dates . no , . im gonna find out what you really love in life and teach to that . what are you passionate about , partner . boogers . boogers . that was great . you know , humor is a sign of intelligence . youre not mad . hey , im here to make sure that you get a kick out of education . hi yah . hes rekindled my love affair with books . check it out . im breaking books at a sixth grade level . get em , boy . hit those smart ass books . why dont you kick some books , lisa . bart broke all my books . you know what our homework is . find a toy and bring it to class . boy , that sounds fun . i know . but im still not gonna do it . since christmas is coming soon , i thought we could talk about our favorite toys . milhouse , what have you got there . my busy box . its got everything . vroom , . im calling daddy . good for you , not being bound by the recommended age . what are you talking about . oh , geez . how about the rest of you . what do you like about those toys of yours . theyre special . theyre challenging . very good . now i want you all to imagine the perfect toy . what would it be like . it should be soft and cuddly . yeah . with lots of firepower . its eyes should be telescopes . no . periscopes . no . microscopes . can you come back to me . it should be full of surprises . it should never stop dancing . it should need accessories . now thats market research you can take to the bank  the money bank . i just wish those second graders would stop jerking us around . fun toys are fun . well said , ralph . but were trying to come up with a name for a toy . mrs . fun . not bad . fun . ralph , there are no right or wrong answers but if you dont pipe down , im giving you an f . the before teacher yelled at me too . no ones yelling . were just brainstorming names . lisa , any ideas . oh . uh , a name with fun . um , fungus , funzo , attila the fun . lisa , are you doing math . uhjust , a few venn diagrams . theres more under her chair . lisa in trouble . ha . the ironing is delicious . the word is irony . huh . dont you think theres something weird going on here . we spent all day selecting fabric swatches and then our guest speaker was phil from marketing . alls i know is im gettin straight as , and that aint not bad . thats not funny . huh . theyre spying on us . why would they do that . i see you . give me a hug . this better be important , lisa . i left ralphie alone in the bathtub . daddy , im ready to get out now . over . this broom closet is not what it seems . its a secret surveillance room guarded by a tiny evil robot . is this gonna be like one of those horror movies where we open the door and everythings normal and we think youre crazy , but then there really is a killer robot and the next morning you find me impaled on a weather vane . is that what this is , lisa . to be fair , not all evil robots are killers . listen , when you see whats inside this  i dont understand . i could swear it was right here . yeah , right , mop top . and im ed sullivan . really big show . no , . i can do it better . really big show . really big . thats it . really big show . really big . thats it . hello folks . thats the end of krustys non  denominational holiday funfest i want to thank my guests , ta leoni beck  .  . the dixie chicks  merry christmas , yall . and patrick ewing as the genie . so have a merry christmas , happy hanukkah kwazy kwanzaa , a tip top tet and a solemn , dignified ramadan . now a word from my god , our sponsor . i see you . aw . give me a hug . thats the doll that attacked me . this christmas , everybody wants funzo . funzo . i said that name in class . funzos soft and cuddly . with lots of firepower . ow . yes . ha ha . funzo . funzo . funzo . if you dont have funzo , youre nothin . mom , i know what i want for christmas . bart , they lied to us . instead of giving us an education they tricked us into designing a toy . arent you outraged . no . but if youre gonna throw a spaz , ill come with . good . saddle up the bikes . get down . security guard . hey . its gary coleman . but the menu said galaxy of prawns . three prawns are hardly a galaxy . what do you mean your hands are tied . let me talk to mr . quan . i want to see how this turns out . the phones not even plugged in . all right . you listen to me , quan . hang on . i got another call . yes , mr . president . i can be in washington right away . you people took advantage of trusting school children . how did you get past gary coleman . lets just say hes a few prawns short of a galaxy . im sorry , gary . theres no longer a place for you here . what you talkin about , miss nagel . that is so adorable . youre rehired . sucker . i knew exactly what she was talkin about . lisa , i know youre mad , but just for a damn minute try to see this from a product positioning standpoint . do you have any idea how much pressure were under to come up with a new furby or tickle me elmo . and thanks to you , funzo is the first doll designed by children for children , with all the profits going to children . really . yeah . well , were all somebodys children . but hey , we did screw you a little . so heres a free funzo . deal . ha . oh , brother . and i want funzos dream fortress funzos lower back pain chair funzos european voltage converter  why not get three . three it is . thanks , funzo . you rock . all righty . its always a party with funzo . i admit its kind of cute . but itll never take the place of malibu stacy . did you see that . yeah . funzo makes playtime fun . hey , kids . its  hey . why is it destroying other toys . they must have programmed it to eliminate the competition . you mean like microsoft . exactly . come on , bart . weve gotta warn everyone . boycott funzo . hes a toy killing machine . that shy little imp . i have a flower for ou . aw . oh , man . i gotta get me one of those . hey , im not waiting till the store opens . wow . only seconds from muttering to door smash . that projects to a profit of million . id still sleep a little easier if i saw some trampling . ow , . hey . ow . now why would you wear cleats to a store . well , i guess thats it . come christmas eve , therell be a funzo under every tree . unless  so who am i beating up . nobody . youre just gonna break into everyones house and steal their favorite toy . thus saving christmas . now lets see . thisll make three christmases i saved versus eight i ruined . two were kind of a draw . dad . dad , youre driving on the sidewalk . oh . sorry . joy to the world the lord is come . let earth receive her king . let every .  . seasons greetings . peace out . silent night . holy night .  . all is calm . all is bright rou  all righty . writhing funzos in my sack makes me happy makes me hurt my back just dump em in the fire , dad . yes . the madness ends here . oh . if i had a nickel for every time ive heard that .  .  . im very mad at ou . well , what do we have here . looks like the biggest rip off since webster . please , mr . coleman . we can explain . im listening . your toy company is evil . well , isnt it possible for an evil company to make people happy . are you saying the end justifies the means . thats a very glib interpretation . hey . dont talk to my sister that way . no , bart . hes right . i did oversimplify . perhaps . but lets not get bogged down in semantics . i think what lisa meant to say is  and so , gary coleman and the simpsons argued long into the night . and then , as day broke the spirit of the season entered their hearts . lets just agree that the commercialization of christmas is , at best , a mixed blessing . amen . indeed . amen . yeah . amen . love . hey . look out . well , theres something you dont see every christmas . hey . it is christmas . we better get home . hey , dad . what do you think of  um , uh , mr . coleman , ive been thinking . uh , my wife always makes too much stuffing and sweet potaters and all . and  oh , heck . would you like to spend christmas with us . no way . im having christmas at george clooneys house . gary . all right . ill come . and gary coleman was as good as his word . as for old mr . burns , he was visited by three ghosts during the night and agreed to fund the school with some money he found in his tuxedo pants . thank you . thank you . humbug . while moe , seeing what the world would be like if he had never been born pulled his head out of the oven and replaced it with a plump christmas goose . happy holidays there . merry christmas , moe . uh , listen . i kind of banged up that jeep in the driveway . what you talkin about , moe . what you talkin bout , everyone . shh . springfield . itchy and scratchy show mmm . he was so young . oh , so sad . oh . whoo . hey . hey . ahh . okay . here goes . cloning is a troubling issue . i like the ones where the mouse kills the cat . whats in the box , mom .  . this box .  . oh , nothing . are you sure .  . you sound nervous . well , anyone would be nervous with all the economic turmoil you read about in the  get her . shes doing something . its the goodwill truck . she cleaned out the attic . our junk . and the exits are sealed . go to plan b . come on . go . go . im trying . stop yelling at me . oh , no , you dont . oh , precious heirlooms , daddy would never let them take you . oh , that was scary . we came this close to losing our spare christmas tree stand . you monster . look . heres the box for my pitch back . ifl still had it , i could put it in here . oh , ill never get rid of this useless junk . useless .  . this flash cube has two flashes left . you guys never use any of this stuff . look at these . you bought them after the nagano olympics and never skied once . ifyou would just stop being so impulsive , maybe  hey , lets go skiing right now . yeah , dad , lets go . whoo hoo . now , . yeah , dad . no . okay , here it comes . keep your eyes on the chair . look , dad . its the drummer from bread . where .  . ohh . ahh . this chair lift sure goes high oh , finally . some gentle rocking will relax you , mom . stop it . see , mom .  . you conquered your fears and now youre ready to  im sorry . hmm . the widowmaker . no , that ones for the ladies . spinebuster . boring . whoo .  . colostomizer .  . hey , dont hurt me . heres my wallet . hi diddly , schuss in . flanders .  . that suits a little revealing , isnt it .  . well , it allows for maximum mobility . feels like im wearing nothin at all . quit it . must wash eyes . uh oh . oh . okay , dont panic . remember what the instructor said . if you ever get into trouble , all you need to do is  feels like im wearing nothin at all . nothin at all . nothin at all . stupid sexy flanders . ow . my leg . this is the worst pain ever . ow . ohh . uhh . aah . ohh . uhh . single . so hard , but so rewarding . downhill skiers missing fun  oh , who am i kidding .  . wow . what a perfect scene . this was so worth it . dont worry , little friends . i wont hurtyou . eep . whoa . leave those deer alone . but theywere trying to eat me . those deer .  . but they  come on . ill dropyou off at the lodge . whoa . fat . im gettin agro on this kicker . stomp that pickle revert . excellent . your lingo is progressing nicely . can i go to the bathroom .  . uh uh . say it in snowboard . um , i gotta blast a dookie . dook on . snow fox at o clock move it in , shove it out disco lady is this seat taken .  . uh , i think thats an armrest . so , doyou party .  . you mean like , uh , hats and noisemakers kind of party .  . sure , baby . whateve ryour trip is . disco stu wants you to be comfortable while he does his thing . whos disco stu .  . hey , mom . hi , pumpkins . kids . back away , not today disco lady have you been in here all day .  . you missed all the fun . skiing fanny first into a crevasse isnt my idea of fun . the only risk im taking is running out of marshmallows . ow . somebody get a doctor . oh , man . another clock accident . no wonder . look at this . that ought to hold it . i want my wife to get the best treatment money can buy . whoa , . dont go nuts . uh , better than that . perfect . yeesh . i cant believe she went home with those guys . well , as you can see , its a compound fracture . the leg must remain motionless . otherwise , a hunk of bone could zoom right to her brain . i cant be in the hospital . tomorrow is laundry day . and ive gotta de meat lisas bologna . well be fine , honey . the main thing is for you to get better . and dont worry . all the laundry and dirty dishes will be there when you get back . no , they wont . well all pitch in on the housework . right , guys .  . guys .  . get that . whoo hoo . hey . hey . sweetie , its nice that you want to take charge around the house , but dont be a hero . just make sure your father eats all his meals over a tarp . but not the good tarp . i want you to get married on that someday . oh , mom . ive seen what you do around the house , and i can handle it . maybe i can even make things more efficient . oh , really .  . well , knock yourself out . just dont expect any miracles from those two . good lord your are wasting thousands of dollar worth of interferon and youre interferon with our good time . well , ill be . that cured my canker sores . morning . dad , where are your clothes .  . i dont know . dont tell me mom dresses you . i guess . or one of her friends . okay . now were gonna draw jobs from the chore hat . come on , bikini inspector . scrub toilet .  . okay , that was a practice . practice . practice . okay , here we go . feed fish . ill supervise . the reason for the hat  oh , its a great hat . no ones questioning the hat . will you at least do the dishes .  . lisa , ill do the dishes when i pick it out of the chore hat and its not a practice . see , there it is . but that was a practice . the system worked . come on . eat , you lazy fish . oh , youre gonna be late . here are your lunches . and no trading your fruit for firecrackers . oh . but lenny just got some bottle rockets . you stay away from lenny . and wheres your sweater , bart .  . it unraveled on a nail . thats not true . he left it on the bus . youre dead , squealer . ah , lisa . help . those boys of mine . mrs . simpson . what areyou doing .  . i couldnt sleep knowing that window had a smudge on it . youre here to rest . if you want the window cleanedjust , push the call button . oh , i dont want to be a bother . wouldnt bother us . it just turns up your morphine . oh , so it does . stop pushing that . mr . sakamoto is here for your acupressure . now , mrs . simpson , just lie back and relax . mr . sakamoto wants you to be comfortable while he does his thing . oh , i dont think i need any  oh . oh , wow . okay , guys . dinners ready . the cheese isnt quite melted . let me just pop it back in the  here you go . hmm . slivered almonds for the green beans . ill be right back . tv .  . fanfare so how was your day .  . ohh . bart , you were supposed to scour the pans . they need to soak . you said that four days ago . look . theyre rusted through . its an illusion . no , its not . i got the groceries . good . maple soda .  . a cell phone full of candy .  . astronaut bread .  . its the bread of astronauts . i didnt know aerosmith made a cereal . dad , i gave you a list . oh , yeah . you were way off . hello .  . lollipop island .  . theres a little girl here who had too many sour balls . anyway , where were we .  . hello .  . hello .  . they hung up . talk to me . hey , mom . hows the leg .  . leg .  . oh . oh , that . its pretty great . how are things at home .  . oh , couldnt be better . marco . polo . marco . polo . marc  ohh . polo . so , mom , you think youll be getting out of there soon .  . i dont know , honey . ive got a lot of therapy left . i really thought i could handle this , but  i think so too . bye . uhh . lucy . you hit her pretty hard there , rick . say , folks , whats all the ruckus . john wayne . will you guys turn that thing down .  . sweetie , if we didnt turn it down for the cops , what chance do you have .  . he hit her again . stupid  a bunch of jerks  i cant believe it . losing your marbles , huh , kid . lucy .  . lucy mcgillicuddy ricardo carmichael . and i think theres some more . what are you doing here .  . i came from heaven to help you get revenge on these bums . is there an ashtray around here .  . will this do .  . thanks , doll . now we need a scheme to teach those slobs a lesson . you mean like when you hid inside the conga drum to scare ricky .  . hey . stay away from the drums . thats my bit . i got it . heres whatyou do . wait until they fall asleep . then you sneak into their rooms and make sure theyre fast asleep because  my skin . my beautiful skin . lisa , help . oh . whats wrong with us .  . oh , i dont like the looks of this . you dont .  . cause thats what i said . tell her , bart . shut up . shut up . we better check with a doctor . welcome to virtual doctor . from the makers of dragon quest and sim sandwich . enter symptoms now . lets see . crusty sores . yes . horrible wailing . yes . yes . any exposure to unsanitary conditions .  . duh . were pigs . okay . and diagnose . youve got leprosy . leprosy . unclean . unclean . help us , virtual doc . look at me . im on my knees . good bye . excellent . leprosy . i cant believe it . that fortune cookie was right . why would god punish a kid .  . i mean , an american kid .  . now , guys , leprosy thrives in filthy conditions . so your only chance is to clean up the house . ill get you a couple of mops . mops .  . the cure sounds worse than the disease . at sunday school , they said the lepers were cured by some bearded dude .  .  . yeah , that sounds right . i think were on the outs with him . but i know someone whos even holier than jesus . hi diddly . i  oh . maude , come quick . the simpsons are covered with cooties . help us . were diseased . oh , no . thats leprosy . remember those scary lepers in ben hur . you saw ben hur without me .  . we were broken up then . well , thats no  brains . brains . use your brains to help us . your delicious brains . oh , those poor souls . whats the christian thing to do .  . oh , thankyou . thankyou . thankyou , you wonderful man . all right . food . bart . leave some for rod and todd . hereyou go , lad . todd , no . uh , listen , homer , wed love to help you but were not really set up for lepers . soyoure shunning us . no , . im just thinking we could send you to a better place . you know , a place where they could really take care of you . oh , thankyou , good sir . oh , that smarts . boys , get the alcohol free . marge , well just get this cast off and you can go home to  oh , my lord . well , it has been a week . code blue . a thousand c . c . s of leg wax . stat . lazy , no good lepers . making me clean everything myself . hey , uh , is homer there .  . no , he isnt . i dont know where he is . im a little worried . he usually stops in for an eye opener on the way to work . he told us hed been going to the gym . wow . anyway , you dont think he could be at another bar , do you .  . because i couldnt take that . i  just couldnt . i  dont hang up on me . im home , everybody . gee , the house looks great . mom , i lost dad and bart . lost them .  . what do you mean .  . i tricked them into thinking they had leprosy . hansens disease . you know , like that horrible cream soda . well , dad and bart ran away , and no one seems to know where they went . okay . okay . calm down . they couldnt have gone too far . molokai .  . you mean hawaii .  . mm hmm . thats the one . theyve got a top notch leper colony there so we shipped em right off . cost us a bundle too . i guess well have an imagination christmas this year . yea . imagination christmas . i got a pogo stick . i got a hula hoop . ew . ew . whoa . this is a hospital .  . that it is . well take the cure , bag a few lobsters then watch some gay guys get married . ah , you must be the simpsons . howdy . and thanks for not recoiling in horror . thankyou for the friendly howdy . can we get a room with a view .  . oh , youll have a great view of the whole beach from the electric needle room . really .  . the whole beach .  . yes . from the electric needle room . electric needle room .  . glad thats not me . time to turn over . here they are . oh , thank god youre all right . dad , bart , i played a horrible trick on you , and im really sorry . you dont have leprosy . its just oatmeal . yeah , we know . i figured it out after i ate one of my chest sores . well , then lets get out of here . no way . we scored a free hawaiian vacation . this place is a blast . all we have to do is endure two hours of blinding pain . then its nothing but shopping and surfing . tonight were gonna put our fake sores back on then jump the fence at club med and scare the normals . well , it all sounds lovely , but  come on . loosen up . this is paradise . number one , report to the dermabrasion hut . thats me . do da aloha  aloha  ow . until we meet a  until we meet a  shh . you hit herpretty hard there , rick . springfield . mm mmm . hmm . hello , i m kent brockman . and im teen sensation britney spears . and im kent brockman . with britney spears . and were here to present the  th  annual  spring  field  pride a  wards . tonight well be recognizing outstanding members of  the  springfield community . this is my year , marge . everyone knows im what makes this city great . i dont know . theres a lot of buzz around lenny . our first springfield pride award goes to a local legend  a man who brings laughter and joy to the children of springfield . with his big , red nose and baggy pants . krusty the clown . hey , . what .  . who are you .  . seat filler . aw . hm . everyone gets an award but me . i cant help it if i donated the most blood . ohh . i m feeling kinda woozy . oh , why wont anyone give me an award .  . you won a grammy . i mean an award thats worth winning . you know , kent , in todays youth obsessed culture we sometimes forget that older people are still alive . i told ya . well , sorry . and thats why our final award honors a man whos lived in springfield for a hundred and eight years . our oldest resident , cornelius chapman . cornelius chapman built the first log cabin in springfield . and introduced the toothbrush to our fair city . hey . not bad . forty years , he was springfields only basketball player but he still managed to entertain the crowds in the market crash of he helped people jump out of windows to avoid disgrace . you re doing the right thing . oh , . out you go . ohh . my , youre a big one . no , turning back now . yaah . off a tall building  thats a great way to do it . and in our honoree took a bullet for huey long . no o . and now , springfields oldest citizen  he is , like , totally venerable  cornelius chapman . mm whaa . well , guess we shouldve expected that . well , this award has to go to somebody . would everyone who is or older please stand up .  . over . ninety . one hundred years old .  . homer , sit down . whats that , sonny .  . uh  this is so sudden da  uh  dont give me that kiss of death , you black widow . boy , he didnt want to let go of that . now , lets see . i  dont have a speech prepared . but , uh , abra cadaver . thank you all so much . i love springfield , from the cuddliest infant to the  puppies . patriotism . bluebirds . im not reading this drivel . this speech is over . well , that was a great night for us all . thats not an award . thats part of the set . nothing you can say will diminish this honor . now that im the towns oldest man im starting to realize im not a young man anymore . i have to start taking better care of myself . you know , i havent had a medicine checkup in ages . sir , you deserve the finest doctors in the world . i m taking you to the mayo clinic in minnesota . very well . but ill need someone to watch my house . whos that fellow who always screws up and creates havoc .  . homer simpson , sir .  . yes . the way i figure it , hes due for a good performance . now , if the house catches fire i want you to call this number . uh huh . the fire department . yes . theyre new , but theyre good . sir , we should get going . dont worry about a thing . well take good care of your house . look at me . im a billionaire . aa aahh . oof .  . i forgot my  good lord . this bedroom is as big as our house . and the bed never needs to be made . check it out . heh heh . hmm . seems a little wasteful . wasteful and . practical . a mechanical dressing delay . watch this , marge . oh . ow . oh . ow . oh , no . no . now im ready to hit the town . huh . uh . mm hmm . close that door . aah . wow . hes got every nancy drew even the controversial clue in the clock . tsk tsk . so many swears . i m al unser j r .  .  . i m princess margaret . i m drunk . its nothing serious . just lay off the chili , and you should be fine . dont you laugh , fidel . ive been in the car with you . lets see . social security number . naught naught , . damn roosevelt . cause of parents death . got in my way . mom . barts making faces at me . i think . look how loud i have to yell . this all seems a little elaborate for sloppy joes . hmm . i know what the other forks are for , but what do you do with this one .  . why , marge , i believe youre supposed to scratch your ass with it . homer , watch your la  ohh . thats a lifesaver . man , this is livin . stop that . cigars are for rich people and legendary comedians like bill crosby and david letterson . oops , forgot to swirl it . homer , did you jimmy open mr . burns liquor cabinet .  . j jimmy is such an ugly word , marge unless youre talking about jimmy smits . but house sitting is a sacred  hey . stop swirling , homer . listen , i worked long and hard for this place , and no ones gonna take it away from me . not you , not its rightful owner , not anybody . and another thing . if i have  operator , get me thailand . t i and so on . homer , who are you calling .  . everybody . i found burnsies address book . i called the new york yankees and told them to bunt and then i called the queen of england and asked her how it was going . and . then i  well , dont run up mr . burns phone bill . just a second , marge . hello .  . thailand .  . hows everything on your end .  . uh huh . thats some language you got there . and you talk like that huh .  . hey . homer , youve got to stop pretending this is your house . youre not a billionaire . gee . way to burst my bubble , marge . all im saying is dont get too comfortable . mr . burns will be back tomorrow . marge , youre right . we do have to have a party . party .  . no . no parties . what about par tay .  . no par tays, , no shindigs , no keggers , no hootenannies no mixers , no raves , no box socials . damn . and i looked so good on that bike . now , doctor , i want you to test me for everything every disease on this chart . fine . well just start by drawing some blood . well , isnt that odd .  . its like poking through meringue . oh , try this arm . i saw some blood in there the other day . come on . keep blowing . okay . twelve centimeters . excellent . im a big boy . theres your problem . havin a party , moe . ill need four kegs of your finest imported sounding beer . how about tuborg , the beer of danish kings .  . mmm . danish . now , you know i cant sell you no beer till p . m . on account of its sunday . huh .  . if you cant sell beer , what are lenny and carl doin here .  . huh .  . oh , were just watching the sun move across the sky . when it gets to here , we can drink again . but i need that beer now . sorry , p . m . or you can steal a boat and sail out to international waters . heh . whats that , a theme park .  . no , the ocean . once you get miles out , theres no laws at all . thats where they held the tysonsecretariat fight . they were so drunk . gentlemen , get off your knees . your rich uncle homer is throwing the wildest box social the high seas have ever seen . and youre invited . yeah . all right . oh , no , you dont . im not gonna let you trash mr . burnss yacht . marge , you know i normally listen to you , but i gotta seize this opportunity just in case i never become a real billionaire . oh , homie . i dont care if youre a billionaire . i love you just because youre  hey . theres another way to get on the boat . whoo hoo . propellers . spinning . turn . left . boat go there . dont worry , mom . im sure hell be okay . the boats going sideways . ships ahoy . well done , mr . lenny . well done . homer , have we hit international waters yet .  . because , uh , things are gettin real ugly . i cant sell you beer till we cross the line . legally , you could give us free beer . ow . well , could you at least give us rubbing alcohol for our wounds .  . hey . sucker . ow . we made it , son . international waters  the land that law forgot . ha , toro . wow . you can do anything out here . thats right . see that ship over there .  . theyre rebroadcasting major league baseball with implied oral consent not express written consent , or so the legend goes . arr , i now pronounce ya man and cow . please accept these illegal fireworks with my blessing . yarr . there are no laws . we can do anything we want . anything . ow . ow . oh , real mature , lenny . well , doc , i think i did pretty well on my tests . you may shake my hand if you like . well , under the circumstances , id rather not . eh .  . mr . burns , im afraid you are the sickest man in the united states . you have everything . you mean , i have pneumonia .  . yes . diabetes .  . yes . hysterical pregnancy .  . uh , a little bit , yes . you also have several diseases that have just been discovered  in you . i see . youre sure you just havent made thousands of mistakes .  . uh , no . no , im afraid not . well , this sounds like bad news . well , youd think so , but all of your diseases are in perfect balance . uh , if you have a moment , i can explain . well  here is the door to your body . you see .  . and these are oversized novelty germs . uh , thats influenza , thats bronchitis and this cute little cuddle bug is pancreatic cancer . heres what happens when they all try to get through the door at once . move it , chowder head . we call it three stooges syndrome . so what youre saying is im indestructible . oh , no , . in fact , even a slight breeze could  indestructible . why are we cleaning this room .  . i dont think we were even in here . honey , we want mr . burns to find this place exactly the way he left it . whoa . nice moves . look at those poor saps back on land with their laws and ethics . theyll never know the simple joys of a monkey knife fight . give it to him , boy . give it to him . thrust . parry . stab , . oh , he aint pretty no more . hey , coast guard . try and stop us now , you lousy americans . we cant hear you . come feet closer . nice try . youre not gonna nail us . but we just want to party . oh , really .  . then play some rock music . come on , bart . the coast guards covering the doo . a do do a do do a do do a do do whos the greatest billionaire in the world .  . you are . looks like another homosexual party boat . they always have such nice things . perhaps we should pay them a visit . a deadly visit .  . well , lets play it by ear . well , youre talking bout the china grove , whoa oh oh , china grove huh .  . pirates . are you friendly pirates .  . uh , not really , no . then what have you done with my party guests .  . they got my bus pass . they got my bus pass . whoa . theyre poking every nook and cranny  well , every cranny anyway . so far , the nook is relatively  oh , no . no , it isnt . set a course for hidden pirate island a . k . a . hong kong . aye , captain . help . pirates . navy seals are on the way . oh , bless you . how about a tactical nuclear strike .  . oh , that would be just  ohh . youre just yanking my chain , arent you .  . perhaps this foghorn will answer your question . enough . get in the net . i dont want to . aha ha . prepare to die . you too . aah . rope burn . oh . oh . charley horse . charley horse . aa aah . aah . my mouth . i , eh  i n the net , right .  . some party , homer . shut up , net face . hey , youre in the net too . i said , shut up , net face . oh , were gonna die , and i never tasted cantaloupe . eh , you didnt miss much . honeydew is the money melon . and now we will cut you loose . for liability purposes , it is the ocean that will kill you , not us . hey , what do you know .  . it floats . that was my plan all along . now relax , and the currents will take us home . what about the people on the bottom .  . theyre the greatest heroes of all . hey . somethings clawing at my leg . okay , it stopped . it looks great . i cant believe we scrubbed that old man smell out of a hundred and thirty seven rooms . smithers old chum , theres nothing like coming home with a clean bill of health . oh , and sorry about your news . thank you , sir . do they know how many eggs it laid in your brain .  . i prefer not to know . frankly , one is too many . echh . the foul stench of youth . well , lets see . ming vase on narrow column not knocked down . priceless coins not used in vending machine . yes , not bad . mr . burns pirates caught your yacht what . i realise though someones absence is unavoidable furious george . what have they done to your beautiful face .  . ohh , there , . smithers , this monkey is going to need most of your skin . ahh , its good to be home . i dont know . after living like a billionaire , this place is kind of a dump . nah , its not so bad . here we can spit on the floor . bart , stop that . now , we may not have antique furniture or priceless artwork but we have everything we need right here . thats right just because were not rich doesnt mean that we dont have  oh , i cant even finish . i want to be rich . like these guys . and . look at all these rich people here . not as rich as they should . be , of course , but still rich . all the big money . look at all the names that own money and . have lots of money . oh , he s poor . but look at all the other people that aren t p  oh , look at all the people who could . buty and . sell me . i should . send . a list of these names to the i . r . s .  . im taking them all down . oh , look at all the rich people . oh , look at that rich  shh . don t shush me , you rich bastard .  . springfield . mm mmm . hmm . hello , i m kent brockman . and im teen sensation britney spears . and im kent brockman . with britney spears . and were here to present the  th  annual  spring  field  pride a  wards . tonight well be recognizing outstanding members of  the  springfield community . this is my year , marge . everyone knows im what makes this city great . i dont know . theres a lot of buzz around lenny . our first springfield pride award goes to a local legend  a man who brings laughter and joy to the children of springfield . with his big , red nose and baggy pants . krusty the clown . hey , . what .  . who are you .  . seat filler . aw . hm . everyone gets an award but me . i cant help it if i donated the most blood . ohh . i m feeling kinda woozy . oh , why wont anyone give me an award .  . you won a grammy . i mean an award thats worth winning . you know , kent , in todays youth obsessed culture we sometimes forget that older people are still alive . i told ya . well , sorry . and thats why our final award honors a man whos lived in springfield for a hundred and eight years . our oldest resident , cornelius chapman . cornelius chapman built the first log cabin in springfield . and introduced the toothbrush to our fair city . hey . not bad . forty years , he was springfields only basketball player but he still managed to entertain the crowds in the market crash of he helped people jump out of windows to avoid disgrace . you re doing the right thing . oh , . out you go . ohh . my , youre a big one . no , turning back now . yaah . off a tall building  thats a great way to do it . and in our honoree took a bullet for huey long . no o . and now , springfields oldest citizen  he is , like , totally venerable  cornelius chapman . mm whaa . well , guess we shouldve expected that . well , this award has to go to somebody . would everyone who is or older please stand up .  . over . ninety . one hundred years old .  . homer , sit down . whats that , sonny .  . uh  this is so sudden da  uh  dont give me that kiss of death , you black widow . boy , he didnt want to let go of that . now , lets see . i  dont have a speech prepared . but , uh , abra cadaver . thank you all so much . i love springfield , from the cuddliest infant to the  puppies . patriotism . bluebirds . im not reading this drivel . this speech is over . well , that was a great night for us all . thats not an award . thats part of the set . nothing you can say will diminish this honor . now that im the towns oldest man im starting to realize im not a young man anymore . i have to start taking better care of myself . you know , i havent had a medicine checkup in ages . sir , you deserve the finest doctors in the world . i m taking you to the mayo clinic in minnesota . very well . but ill need someone to watch my house . whos that fellow who always screws up and creates havoc .  . homer simpson , sir .  . yes . the way i figure it , hes due for a good performance . now , if the house catches fire i want you to call this number . uh huh . the fire department . yes . theyre new , but theyre good . sir , we should get going . dont worry about a thing . well take good care of your house . look at me . im a billionaire . aa aahh . oof .  . i forgot my  good lord . this bedroom is as big as our house . and the bed never needs to be made . check it out . heh heh . hmm . seems a little wasteful . wasteful and . practical . a mechanical dressing delay . watch this , marge . oh . ow . oh . ow . oh , no . no . now im ready to hit the town . huh . uh . mm hmm . close that door . aah . wow . hes got every nancy drew even the controversial clue in the clock . tsk tsk . so many swears . i m al unser j r .  .  . i m princess margaret . i m drunk . its nothing serious . just lay off the chili , and you should be fine . dont you laugh , fidel . ive been in the car with you . lets see . social security number . naught naught , . damn roosevelt . cause of parents death . got in my way . mom . barts making faces at me . i think . look how loud i have to yell . this all seems a little elaborate for sloppy joes . hmm . i know what the other forks are for , but what do you do with this one .  . why , marge , i believe youre supposed to scratch your ass with it . homer , watch your la  ohh . thats a lifesaver . man , this is livin . stop that . cigars are for rich people and legendary comedians like bill crosby and david letterson . oops , forgot to swirl it . homer , did you jimmy open mr . burns liquor cabinet .  . j jimmy is such an ugly word , marge unless youre talking about jimmy smits . but house sitting is a sacred  hey . stop swirling , homer . listen , i worked long and hard for this place , and no ones gonna take it away from me . not you , not its rightful owner , not anybody . and another thing . if i have  operator , get me thailand . t i and so on . homer , who are you calling .  . everybody . i found burnsies address book . i called the new york yankees and told them to bunt and then i called the queen of england and asked her how it was going . and . then i  well , dont run up mr . burns phone bill . just a second , marge . hello .  . thailand .  . hows everything on your end .  . uh huh . thats some language you got there . and you talk like that huh .  . hey . homer , youve got to stop pretending this is your house . youre not a billionaire . gee . way to burst my bubble , marge . all im saying is dont get too comfortable . mr . burns will be back tomorrow . marge , youre right . we do have to have a party . party .  . no . no parties . what about par tay .  . no par tays, , no shindigs , no keggers , no hootenannies no mixers , no raves , no box socials . damn . and i looked so good on that bike . now , doctor , i want you to test me for everything every disease on this chart . fine . well just start by drawing some blood . well , isnt that odd .  . its like poking through meringue . oh , try this arm . i saw some blood in there the other day . come on . keep blowing . okay . twelve centimeters . excellent . im a big boy . theres your problem . havin a party , moe . ill need four kegs of your finest imported sounding beer . how about tuborg , the beer of danish kings .  . mmm . danish . now , you know i cant sell you no beer till p . m . on account of its sunday . huh .  . if you cant sell beer , what are lenny and carl doin here .  . huh .  . oh , were just watching the sun move across the sky . when it gets to here , we can drink again . but i need that beer now . sorry , p . m . or you can steal a boat and sail out to international waters . heh . whats that , a theme park .  . no , the ocean . once you get miles out , theres no laws at all . thats where they held the tysonsecretariat fight . they were so drunk . gentlemen , get off your knees . your rich uncle homer is throwing the wildest box social the high seas have ever seen . and youre invited . yeah . all right . oh , no , you dont . im not gonna let you trash mr . burnss yacht . marge , you know i normally listen to you , but i gotta seize this opportunity just in case i never become a real billionaire . oh , homie . i dont care if youre a billionaire . i love you just because youre  hey . theres another way to get on the boat . whoo hoo . propellers . spinning . turn . left . boat go there . dont worry , mom . im sure hell be okay . the boats going sideways . ships ahoy . well done , mr . lenny . well done . homer , have we hit international waters yet .  . because , uh , things are gettin real ugly . i cant sell you beer till we cross the line . legally , you could give us free beer . ow . well , could you at least give us rubbing alcohol for our wounds .  . hey . sucker . ow . we made it , son . international waters  the land that law forgot . ha , toro . wow . you can do anything out here . thats right . see that ship over there .  . theyre rebroadcasting major league baseball with implied oral consent not express written consent , or so the legend goes . arr , i now pronounce ya man and cow . please accept these illegal fireworks with my blessing . yarr . there are no laws . we can do anything we want . anything . ow . ow . oh , real mature , lenny . well , doc , i think i did pretty well on my tests . you may shake my hand if you like . well , under the circumstances , id rather not . eh .  . mr . burns , im afraid you are the sickest man in the united states . you have everything . you mean , i have pneumonia .  . yes . diabetes .  . yes . hysterical pregnancy .  . uh , a little bit , yes . you also have several diseases that have just been discovered  in you . i see . youre sure you just havent made thousands of mistakes .  . uh , no . no , im afraid not . well , this sounds like bad news . well , youd think so , but all of your diseases are in perfect balance . uh , if you have a moment , i can explain . well  here is the door to your body . you see .  . and these are oversized novelty germs . uh , thats influenza , thats bronchitis and this cute little cuddle bug is pancreatic cancer . heres what happens when they all try to get through the door at once . move it , chowder head . we call it three stooges syndrome . so what youre saying is im indestructible . oh , no , . in fact , even a slight breeze could  indestructible . why are we cleaning this room .  . i dont think we were even in here . honey , we want mr . burns to find this place exactly the way he left it . whoa . nice moves . look at those poor saps back on land with their laws and ethics . theyll never know the simple joys of a monkey knife fight . give it to him , boy . give it to him . thrust . parry . stab , . oh , he aint pretty no more . hey , coast guard . try and stop us now , you lousy americans . we cant hear you . come feet closer . nice try . youre not gonna nail us . but we just want to party . oh , really .  . then play some rock music . come on , bart . the coast guards covering the doo . a do do a do do a do do a do do whos the greatest billionaire in the world .  . you are . looks like another homosexual party boat . they always have such nice things . perhaps we should pay them a visit . a deadly visit .  . well , lets play it by ear . well , youre talking bout the china grove , whoa oh oh , china grove huh .  . pirates . are you friendly pirates .  . uh , not really , no . then what have you done with my party guests .  . they got my bus pass . they got my bus pass . whoa . theyre poking every nook and cranny  well , every cranny anyway . so far , the nook is relatively  oh , no . no , it isnt . set a course for hidden pirate island a . k . a . hong kong . aye , captain . help . pirates . navy seals are on the way . oh , bless you . how about a tactical nuclear strike .  . oh , that would be just  ohh . youre just yanking my chain , arent you .  . perhaps this foghorn will answer your question . enough . get in the net . i dont want to . aha ha . prepare to die . you too . aah . rope burn . oh . oh . charley horse . charley horse . aa aah . aah . my mouth . i , eh  i n the net , right .  . some party , homer . shut up , net face . hey , youre in the net too . i said , shut up , net face . oh , were gonna die , and i never tasted cantaloupe . eh , you didnt miss much . honeydew is the money melon . and now we will cut you loose . for liability purposes , it is the ocean that will kill you , not us . hey , what do you know .  . it floats . that was my plan all along . now relax , and the currents will take us home . what about the people on the bottom .  . theyre the greatest heroes of all . hey . somethings clawing at my leg . okay , it stopped . it looks great . i cant believe we scrubbed that old man smell out of a hundred and thirty seven rooms . smithers old chum , theres nothing like coming home with a clean bill of health . oh , and sorry about your news . thank you , sir . do they know how many eggs it laid in your brain .  . i prefer not to know . frankly , one is too many . echh . the foul stench of youth . well , lets see . ming vase on narrow column not knocked down . priceless coins not used in vending machine . yes , not bad . mr . burns pirates caught your yacht what . i realise though someones absence is unavoidable furious george . what have they done to your beautiful face .  . ohh , there , . smithers , this monkey is going to need most of your skin . ahh , its good to be home . i dont know . after living like a billionaire , this place is kind of a dump . nah , its not so bad . here we can spit on the floor . bart , stop that . now , we may not have antique furniture or priceless artwork but we have everything we need right here . thats right just because were not rich doesnt mean that we dont have  oh , i cant even finish . i want to be rich . like these guys . and . look at all these rich people here . not as rich as they should . be , of course , but still rich . all the big money . look at all the names that own money and . have lots of money . oh , he s poor . but look at all the other people that aren t p  oh , look at all the people who could . buty and . sell me . i should . send . a list of these names to the i . r . s .  . im taking them all down . oh , look at all the rich people . oh , look at that rich  shh . don t shush me , you rich bastard .  . springfield . now remember . we have to leave nature just the way we found it . everything we pack in , we pack out . what if i have to do my business . use this plastic bag . aw , how come bears can crap in the woods and i cant . ah , were so lucky to have this untouched piece of paradise so close to springfield . bees . they sound angry and africanized . okay , nobody panic . theres plenty of spray for me . that doesnt sound like bees . oh , my god . its a racetrack . the bird sanctuary . they ruined it . no , they didnt . they just surrounded it with something wonderful . like a raisin covered in chocolate . or a monkey in a cowboy suit . see . animals can get used to anything . start your engines . show us your boobs . show us your boobs . you better do what he says , marge . cool . way to adapt , little guy . why do jerks think everyone wants to see their stupid name . sorry to break up your picnic , folks . im two time fast car champ , clay babcock . youre on fire . yeah , i have won a lot of races . its all thanks to my crew , really . there it is . mr . babcock , can i ride in your car . well , my a car was just incinerated , but , uh , you can ride in my b car . i dont see why not . bart , these are the time trials that determine the pole position . shouldnt you be keeping your hands on the wheel . oh , sure , if you want to drive the traditional way . sorry . boy , these cars are surprisingly roomy . yeah , we like to bring our families along on the longer races . if i get tired , i let my wife drive . shes good . get your feet off the upholstery . i got some spare tickets if youd like to stick around for the race . thats very sweet , but we have a full day of hiking planned . we can hike anytime . this is our chance to see cars driving . hi diddly , pedal to . flanders . since when do you like anything cool . well , i dont care for the speed but i cant get enough of that safety gear  helmets , roll bars , caution flags . i like the fresh air and looking at the poor people in the infield . dang , cletus . whyd you have to park by my parents . now , honey , theys my parents too . gentlemen , start your engines . daddy , can we move closer . abso not , hot roddy . were up here out of range of the crashes and the drivers cussin . move your damn butt . bite me . come on . somebody crash . be patient , son . a watched car never crashes . oh , i missed one . lets go . lets go . the dice . the dice . the dice . eight seconds . great job , boys . lets go . new tires . come on . come on . were goin as fast as we can , m  hey , who are you . oh , how rude of me . my name is  my bad . and now heres something for the guys . finally . lets hear it for fan demonium . hey , racing fans . who wants a free t shirt . me . me . aqui . aqui . i do . i do . wait . no , i dont . hmm . a ford urinating on a chevrolet . dont you usually laugh at everything . yes . yes , i do . come on . right here . im okay , folks . i need a shirt . give me a shirt . mommy has bosoms like that . yeah , i wish . neddie , ive had about all i can take of homer simpsons torso . ill get some hot dogs . no foot longs . i know . they make you uncomfortable . well , i guess no one else wants a t shirt . thats a damn lie , and you know it . gimme a shirt . you heard him , girls . hey , t shirt, , . fire . oh , a bobby pin . maude . oh , my lord , shes dead . its hard to believe were never going to see maude again . and poor ned didnt get a chance to say good bye . well , from now on , im never gonna let you leave the room without telling you how much i love you , and how truly special  this is eating up a lot of time . maybe just a pat on the butt . yeah , that works . now , homie , you know , ned and the boys need us . and you know what that means . i know . no more being a jerk . thats right . in many ways , maude flanders was a supporting player in our lives . she didnt grab our attention with memorable catchphrases or comical accents . aye . yarr . oh , glavin . why , glavin . but , whether you noticed her or not , maude was always there . and we thought she always would be . my friends , life is about change . just yesterday , apu was a lonely bachelor . yes , thank god those days are over . and the van houtens were enjoying a storybook marriage . yeah . lots of storybooks have witches . shut up , kirk . sorry . and now , the good people at fan demonium, , as part of a generous settlement will fire a t shirt salute . bagpipe . amazing grace finally . ned , my friend , please know that the kwik e is there for you hours a day . oh , thank you , apu . and im going to give you all of maudes frequent squishy points . the boys at headquarters will not like it but im getting pretty sick of them and their bombay attitude . thats enough there , apu . look , ned , i know we aint hung out much what with your insane fear of drinking and me being banned from the church and all but , uh , but that maude , she was really somethin . oh , wasnt she . thank you , moe . i appreciate that . oh , i really mean it though . i mean , if it was you that died , i wouldve been on her so fast . what are you saying . what . nothing . she was hot . what . you cant take a compliment . hot . you monster . thats good . no . let it out . thats it . let it out . send me to maude . thats it . here i come , baby . oh , yeah . bart , honey , i think you should go play with rod and todd . oh , man . why does everything bad have to happen to me . when im feeling low , you know what always cheers me up . is it love . kindness . oh , tough room . video games . what do you got . billy grahams bible blaster . keep firing . convert the heathens . got him . no , you just winged him and made him a unitarian . look out , bart . a gentle bahai . all right . full conversion . thanks , guys . this really cheered me up . second coming . reload . reload . can we play now . you are playing . were a team . yea . now , if theres anything , at all i can do to help out . quit hogging flanders . i want to comfort him . thats nice of you , homer , but i think ill just go to bed . then i insist on walking you home . homer , this really isnt necessary . those feelings are normal , ned . theyre part of the process . watch the sprinkler . hey . thats my sprinkler . its natural to feel that way . but the sprinkler is gone . its time to let go . i just bought that . i know . i know . its never easy . you want anything else . water . chili fries . how about some white noise . oh , homer . you dont have to  sleep tight , neddie . what is that . oh , you wanna rock fight , eh . no , homer . i just need to talk . okay . be right down . i just keep replaying the whole thing in my head . i cant believe my last words to maude were , no foot longs . yep . it would have been a lot better if youd said i love you or , youre special . you know , something sweet instead of that hot dog crack . if id only been a gentlemen and got the hot dogs myself shed still be here . now , . dont beat yourself up . im the one who drove her out of her seat . im the one who provoked the lethal barrage oft shirts . im the one who parked in the ambulance zone , preventing any possible resuscitation . uh , but theres no point in playing the blame game . ah , youre right . i just gotta work through the grief . theres not gonna be an easy answer . easy answer , eh . oh , yeah . thats it , baby . thats the money shot . yeah , the camera loves you . ohyou , teaseyou , . why are you taping flanders , dad . youll see . do you even have a job anymore . i think its pretty obvious that i dont . okay , i finished the gardening sequence . okay , from here we star wipe to a glamour shot of flanders paying his bills . then we star wipe to flanders brushing his  dad , there are other wipes besides star wipes . why eat hamburger when you can have steak . im taking my name off this thing . so , how you doin , ned . oh , its been a hard couple of months but i feel like ive turned a corner . well , thats all gonna change , thanks to this tape . tape . now the audio needs some tweaking and theres some footage of maggie being born that i couldnt get rid of . anyway , enjoy . single women of springfield prayers have been flanswered . ned flanswered , that is . is this a dating video . shush . what would you say about a man who owns his own house and his own car . thats ned flanders . a man whos not afraid to cry . hey , ned . so thats why you maced me . yeah . ned does everything with class . whether hes punching in his a . t . m . code or keeping clean in the shower . homer . but dont take my word for it . listen to this testimonial . oh , i would date ned in a second if i was a woman or gay . he looks like a cuddler , that ned . i i like that . i like to be held . i like to be pampered . step up to the best . ned flanders , the man with the chest . ew . now well just send this to the dating service the chicksll fall for you , and bam . the healing begins . uh , homer , you obviously went to a lot of trouble , but dating . it just feels way too soon . thats great . chicks really dig sensitivity . did you get that , bart . got it . beautiful . and star wipe , and were out . hmm . well , with triple word score , thats . i guess my luck is starting to even out . im just a q without a u . mmm . uh , hello . mailman . these are the women who saw your videotape and are interested . and feel free to root around in the one nighter bin . the bin is spoken for . are you gonna call all those women . no , the tapes will do just fine . thank you . homer , im having second thoughts . this feels so disloyal to maude . oh , wake up , ned . you think maude isnt dating in heaven . you think she would . how could she not . the place is full of eligible bachelors . john wayne , tupac shakur , sherlock holmes . sherlock holmes is a character . he sure is . okay here goes nothing if you select me youll get a lot more than a wharton m . b . a . pulling in k . youll get a woman whos poised , articulate sophisticated , confident and highly sexual . hang on . im getting a fax . damn , ive just been indicted . looks like were gonna have to reschedule . hows your july . well , i  mines terrible . lets talk in august . mmm . dinner was delicious , edna . but i cant shake the feeling that youre just using me to get principal skinner jealous . oh , please . i dont care what mr . engaged to be engaged thinks . hear that , seymour . edna , this is childish . fine , then hang up . i will hang up when he leaves . well , diane , ive sure enjoyed chatting with you about your problems with your mother . did you hear that , foofie . sounds like somebody wuvs us . yes , it does . yeah . well , maybe ill call you again sometime . oh . foofie doesnt like the sound of that maybe . cause hims a commitment dog , isnt him . so , howd you do tonight , romeo . well , i just cant relate to the women of today , homer . ah , its probably me . im about as exciting as a baked potato . youre darn right you are . and youve got lots of other great qualities too . thats right , ned . those floozies we married in vegas were crazy about you . what floozies . what are you talking  marge . were trying to help ned . lord , i never question you but ive been wondering if your decision to take maude was , well , wrong . u unless this is part of your divine plan . could you just give me some kind of sign . anything . aw , and after all that church chocolate i bought which , by the way , was gritty and had that white stuff on it . well , ive had it . daddy , get up . youll be late for church . well , you boys can go with the simpsons . im not going to church today . thats right . and i may not go to church tomorrow . no , im not kiddin . i am gonna sit right here and miss church . you just watch . sorry . sorry . sorry . sorry . sorry . sorry . while our organist is on a much needed vacation we thought wed try something new . so get down and put your knees together for the christian rock stylings of kovenant . hey , isnt that the bass player from satanica . i think it is . electric guitars in church . oh , my gosh . some dropouts must have overpowered the reverend . this is a love song about a dude i met in a sleazy motel . a dude named god . oh . in a motel room in delacroix i was drinking like a dartmouth boy thinking bout the wrong turns that i took well , i woke up on the puke green floor and opened up a dresser drawer lookin for a bottle but instead , i found a book shes talking about the bible . so . shes good lookin . shut up . you shut up . a book about a man a book about the dude who lives above a book about a man who drives a pickup full of sweet , love now if you think he doesnt care or maybe that he isnt there its not too late to see how wrong you are so when your soul has gone astray just let god be your triple a hell tow you to salvation and hell overhaul your heart glad you made it , ned . i knew he would . ill be right back , boys . ive gotta go help that lady . homer , you help too . i toileth not on ye sabbath , woman . a pox on thee . that was a lovely song . it really got to me . been through some rough times yourself . i i recently lost my wife . im real sorry to hear that . we just lost our drummer to a pentecostal ska band . i know its not the same  no , i hear what youre saying . its always hard to replace someone . yeah . my names racheljordan . if you feel like talking , maybe we could grab a coffee . well , that  sounds real nice , rachel but im , uh , im not quite  i understand . listen . were heading out on tour with the monsters of christian rock . maybe when we get back , you and i could get together . maybe we can . my names ned flanders . and im here every week , rain or shine . its a show about ned about him losinhis sweet wife she landed on her head but now its time to get on with his life shh . springfield . youre watching pbs . youre watching pbs . hey , im as surprised as you but ive stumbled upon the most delicious british sitcom . do shut up . its about a hard drinking yet loving family of soccer hooligans . if theyre not having a go with a bird theyre having a row with a wanker . cheeky . no feeling no feeling ahh . no feeling sodding x mas, , major . for anybody else choke on it . oh , crikey . you gave me a smash on the noggin last year . not in my parlor , you dont . aah . me eyes . im scalded , i am . the mothers the voice of reason . here come the cricket bats . you dont have the cobbles . classic . not hard to see why its englands longest running series . and today were showing all seven episodes . hey , what the hells going on . if you like great pbs programs like do shut up and shut your gob youll want to support our pledge drive . rledge drive . thats right , betty white . absolutely . if you watch even one second of pbs and dont contribute youre a thief  a common thief .  . okay , take it easy , betty . sorry , but these thieves make me so damn mad . you know who you are . thieves . youre mad . wheres my show . and now its time to go back to do shut up finally . but first  with your donation , youll receive this classic pbs tote bag . or this umbrella , featuring a picture of our classic tote bag . and the next callers will get this album of museum noises . now your music room can sound just like the metropolitan museum in new york . outstanding . why are you torturing me . im just a man . you know , ive worked with so many legendary actors over the years who could be counted on to phone it in . well , now its your turn to phone it in  your pledge , that is . please  . were only away from returning to our show . well , why didnt you say so . yes , id like to pledge to get them to shut up . from anonymous . done and done . dad , you dont have . aw , how they gonna find me . folks , we just reached our goal of and its all thanks to one generous caller who didnt leave his name . but thanks to insta trace weve learned its homer simpson of evergreen terrace . why did i register with insta trace . our pledge enforcement van will be at his house in moments . uh oh . you gotta help me , bart . thats it , boy . go get help . doh . okay , homer , dont panic . let me do the talking . here he is , folks , the man who saved pbs homer simpson . mom , dads on pbs . hmm . they dont show police chases , do they . um , its an honor to give especially now , when the rich mosaic of cable programming has made public television so very , unnecessary . from now on , one of us always stays home . agreed . well said , homer . and now for the moment of generosity . will cash be okay . absolutely . well , then we got a problem . the banks are closed by now . its . maybe your movie star banks are open crazy hours but we in springfield are simple folk . we like our cars fast and our banks closed . uh  okay , fine . well go down there , but theyre not going to be open . yeah . its a real ghost town in there . get in there . id like to withdraw please . you are on television . please play along . are you robbing me . ill pay you later . um , is there a problem , mr . simpson . uh , why , no . everything is just  i cant do it . i cant kill a man . you dont have the money , do you , homer . mm mmm . and you thought you could stab your problems away . mm hmm . silly goose . why didnt you say so . get him , boys . the hooligans . bash his eyes out . its a beautiful day to kick your ass . you die now . bingo . sanctuary . sanctuary . oh , why did i teach him that word . quick . you gotta hide me from pbs . their bloodthirsty pursuit is made possible by a grant from the chubb group . give us the money . elmo knows where you live . please , help me . ill do anything . ill light a candle . ill help with your next charity scam . the word is drive . sure , . bobs your uncle . lets just get out of here . nothing to see here , people . just headed down to the dump with these childrens letters to god . well send you someplace safe till the heat dies down . great , but why am i on a plane . homer , how would you like to be a missionary in the south pacific . south pacific . i didnt agree to  w wait . im no missionary . i dont even believe in jebus . let me out . sorry . no can do . oh , save mejebus , . mmm . mmm . oh  little piece there . mmm . so , you said on the phone you had something to tell me . mmm . oh , yes . your husbands in micro asia . micro asia . thats miles away . uh huh . he needed to get away for a while . i suggested missionary work , and he jumped at the idea . missionary work . hes dead , isnt he . no , . you can even keep in touch with him on this ham radio . jebus , where are you . homer tojebus . oh . this doesnt look so bad . ah . hi there , little fella . well , what the  wh wh huh . welcome aboard , brother . you must be homer . im craig . thats amy . well , see ya . youre leaving . wait . what do i do here . first of all , forget everything you learned in missionary school . done . we taught them some english and ridiculed away most of their beliefs . so you can take it from there . bye . dont let the bedbugs bite . seriously . me homer . me hiding from pbs . i am qtoktok , and this is ak . welcome , reverend homer . we look forward to learning about the bible from you . here you go . knock yourself out . we cannot read . does the word jet lag mean anything to you people . jet lag . are you enjoying your ox testicle . oh , yes . very much so . really . you sure you wouldnt rather have a coconut . theyre delicious . no , im good . mmm . hey , what happened to all the shirtless girls you see in all the geographical magazines . craig and amy gave us the gift of shame . all the naked women are on that island . yeah , anything goes over there . bouncy , . what was that . oh , we call that  sorry . fish bone in my throat . we call that earthquake . great . now my testicles got ants on it . thanks , sweetheart . have a bible . my names homer . whats yours . i am ouilouiyukitanawanje . im gonna call you lisa jr . so , what do you do for fun around here . craig and amy were digging a well . craig and amy were also building a chapel . craig and amy , craig and amy . why dont you just marry craig and amy . i told you we should have asked them . hows the tv reception here . excellent or  t v . you dont have tv . but what will i watch while im sitting on the couch . couch . no couches either . oh , man , i need a beer . oh , god , oh , god , oh , god , oh , god . oh , god , oh , god , oh , god , oh , god . nothin . here we go . yeah . homer . homer . huh . what the  hello . is there anybody in there . marge . homer , are you all right . i guess so . but that first month was pretty rough . youve only been gone two days . really . without tv its hard to know when one day begins and the other ends . i miss you , dad . mom wont let me read hgar the horrible . i just dont think its funny . hmm . i can see the house is falling apart without me , so heres the new order . bartyoure , the man of the house . mmm . lisa , im promoting you to boy . maggies now the brainy girl . toaster can fill in for maggie . and , margeyoure , a consultant . dad . yes , boy . i just want to tell you how proud i am that youre showing an interest in your fellow man . really . youre proud of me . oh , yes . the whole town thinks youre a real humanitarian . ned flanders is green with envy . oh , really . well , if youll excuse me i got some civilization to spread like butter on the english muffin that is these people with all their little nooks and crannies . dad , are you licking toads . im not licking toads . well , its time to get to work . humanitarian homer simpson , over and out . gather round , everyone . im gonna teach you about religion . oh , god , oh , god , oh , god  please , . thats not necessary . oh , god , oh , god  im just gods messenger . and lo , what a wondrous message it is . like this , from the book of p salms . god will shatter the heads of his enemies the hairy crown of those who walk in their guilty ways that you may bathe your feet in blood . as true today as it was when it was written . now lets open it up to some qa . yes , lisa jr .  . amy said there are lots of religions . which is the right one . well , not the unitarians . if thats the one true faith , ill eat my hat . um , if the lord is all powerful why does he care whether we worship him or not . ak just saying . well , ak , its because god is powerful , but also insecure  like barbra streisand beforejames brolin . oh , hes been a rock . oh , who am i kidding . the truth is im no missionary . i work in a nuclear power plant . oh . tell us all you know about nuclear power . look , the point is , i want to help . but you dont need a well or a chapel or an immunization center . what you needs a little razzle dazzle . qtoktok , are you thinking what im thinking . i am ak . hey , thats great . now lets get to work . now , if the flintstones has taught us anything its that pelicans can be used to mix cement . come on , little friend . make a wisecrack . you know  its a living . that sort of thing . oopsy . hiya , homer . thats not homer . its gotta be . hes parking in homers space . well , time to get to work . mmm . simpson . aah . ive just reviewed your performance record , and its appalling . but im not homer simpson . i think i know who homer simpson is . in short years youve caused meltdowns . one is too many . yeah , but  you sold weapons grade plutonium to the iraqis with no markup . but  and worst of all you took the hamburglars birthday off last monday and wednesday . which is it . now , my voice is giving out , so im just going to poke you for the next hour or so . friends , when i came here one month ago this seemed like a strange and frightening place . but now ive learned to love this island as my second  a plane . stop . get me off this stinkin rock . anyhoo  im about to share with you a modern day miracle  something that has revitalized cities from east saint louis to biloxi , mississippi . the magic medicine of casino gambling . the lucky savage . it could be you . check it out theres island blackjack island craps , island texas hold em . but if , like me , youre mesmerized by pretty colors and spinning things youll prefer roulette . four sand dollars on number six , please . so how you doin . stayin out of trouble . yes , sir . number six . whoo hoo . doh . now over here ive brewed up my favorite beverage . beer . its mostly dristan and holy water , but it does the job . mmm . ooga booga . so have fun , everybody . and who knows . maybe youll hit the jackpot , get off this island and spend the rest of your days in a tropical paradise . okay . yea . homer , im so impressed . everything youre doing sounds so rewarding . oh , you should have seen their faces , honey . now i know how bob stupak feels . is everybody happy . huh . oh , my god . how can ace be one and . huh . what kind of god would allow that . oh , what happened . i gave you a glittering vegas and you turned it into a scanty atlantic city . your alcohol and inexpensive buffets have corrupted us . i dont even like macaroni salad but look at me . please help us . our island has not been this damaged since the a bomb tests . guess who i saw at the supermarket today . can it wait . i just got off work . im sorry , honey . i just thought you  dont you do enough yakkin at the beauty parlor . thats it , bart . youre taking this man of the house thing too far . youre right . im sorry . tell you what . saturday night , well go out for steaks  just you and me . hmm . a night out is a night out . why are you building chapel . because youre all terrible sinners . since when . since i got here . now either grab a stone or go to hell . well , i may not know much about god but i have to say , we built a pretty nice cage for him . these are from the children . thanks to you , all of us finally have a place to pray . aw . and im in a gambling program . for real this time . how many times must we go to church to avoid hell . every sunday for the rest of our lives . no , really . not bad , lisa jr . but gods palace is way up on the moon . so if you want him to hear us weve gotta crank up the volume . do you hear me , lord . homers doin your work . im the greatest missionary of all time . oh , no . this looks like the end . oh , that homer  always getting into trouble . and if youre one of the millions who enjoys his adventures  or should i say misadventures  its time to show your support . sure , fox makes a fortune from advertising but its still not enough . not nearly enough . so if you dont want to see crude , lowbrow programming disappear from the airwaves please , call now . hello . murdoch here .  . youve saved my network . wouldnt be the first time . shh . save mejebus , . springfield . fire . fire . fire . oh , no . what do i save . trophies , . oh  . attendance . dont panic . dont panic . dont panic . get in . move it . this is not a drill . good work , everyone . were sure to be first in line for duff days . you set off the smoke alarm to rush us to a beer festival . i know . im a character . now , a little beer music to get in the mood . looking for these . drink duff responsibly . drink duff responsibly . now , which one of you is our designated driver . twist off , damn it . i guess ill be driving . right this way to the duff designated drivers rockin fun zone . rockin fun zone . that sounds fun . i dont see the need for razor wire . oh , theres ulysses s . grant , babe ruth  ben franklin . early to bed . early to rise . ya think ya youre better than me . huh . okay , kids , who wants to see what its like to get drunk . now youre charming . you dont know me . this guy here , this is the guy . all right , springfield belly up for the duff beer tender of the year contest . now , fresh from his appearance before the house subcommittee on teenage alcoholism duff man . are you ready for some duff love . all right . today , were gonna find out which of these bartenders has the right stuff to dispense duff . from the green potato pub at ohare international airport michael finn . from juggernauts in hollywood , california , titania . and now , the local lug who fills your mug with the drug you chug  ohyeah  , give it up for moe szyslak . hello , springfield . how ya  whoo hoo . okay , our first event qualifies for course credit at dartmouth college  trick pouring . for goodness sake i got the hippy , shakes yeah , i got the shakes that spells duff . go , moe . boo , everyone else . i think we know who wins this round . titania . duff beer is brewed from hops , barley and sparkling clear mountain what . goat . uh , close enough . you can really taste the goat . making the previous rounds a complete waste . dont forget . todays winner will be immortalized on our new duff calendar . all right , guys , one , two , three . moo . lenny , you were supposed to be e . see what happens when you skip rehearsal . all right , bartenders , toss your drunks . and stay out . ew . you said if i slept with you , i wouldnt have to touch the drunk . duff man says a lot of things . oh , yeah . hmph . and the winner , moe szyslak . oh , thats great . thank you . thanks a lot . uh , i just want to say that it was an honor for me to compete with the mick and the , uh , chick with the rack there . yeah , all right , moe . thats my moo . and now , to take your official calendar portrait duffs vice president in charge of calendars and fake i . d . s phil angelides . thats a mug you dont wanna chug . knock it off , larry . we cant put this face on our calendar . when i get home , there are gonna be a lot of open pickle jars . that one . kids , would you like a balloon . yeah , right , mom . then id like a rattle and a wollypop . actually , i would like a wollypop . those balloons wont biodegrade for if bart gets a wollypop , i want a wollypop . ah , maggie wants a balloon . and daddy will take a hand stamp so he can get back in . kidding . remember my face . ah , boy . moe , the new duff calendars are out  the ones with your picture . oh , boy . move over liquor license . hey , moe , this license expired in and its only good in rhode island , and its signed by you . yeah , ive been meaning to get that updated for this state and real . now , lets see the poster boy for the new moe llenium . hey they put a sticker over my face . hey . viva la  kiss me  what . hey . ah , for the love of jeff . ah . oh . am i really that ugly . moe , its all relative . is lenny really that dumb . huh . is barney that drunk . is homer that lazy , bald and fat . oh , my god . its worse than i thought . see , this is why i dont talk much . i cant believe they put those stickers over my face . i must be the ugliest man alive . oh , moe , theres lots of people uglier than you . like , you ever been to white castle . oh , boy . pigtown , u . s . a . come on . look at me . im a gargoyle what , with the cauliflower ear there and the lizard lips  little rat eyes . caveman brow . dont forget that fish snout . okay , i get it . i aint pleasant to look at . or listen to . or be with . come on , moe . dont feel bad . theres too much emphasis on looks these days . thats why they wont let bill maher on tv before midnight . hey , moe , if youre tired of being an eyesore , why not get some plastic surgery . plastic surgery , huh . maybe they could dynamite mount crapmore here and carve me a new kisser . i dont know . plastic surgery might make you look good on the outside but you still might feel bad on the inside . but id look good on the outside , right . yeah , but youd feel bad inside . plastic surgery it is . carl carlson , you just saved my life . hey . get outta there . look at her . must be great to be a baby and be so easily amused . i wish i could be entertained by two cents worth of rubber shaped like some colorful animal dancing and twirling , dancing and twirling . hey , give me that . its mine . the door . oh , no . okay , dont panic . ill get the bikes . i hope theyre hoverbikes . oh , man , that would be so awesome . mm hmm . yeah . hmm . its hopeless , aint it . no , i love a challenge . first , we must install buttocks . nah , no luxury items . just a face . okay , im gonna move this up . this wider . im gonna lose that . ive never even seen one of these . can the medical mumbo jumbo . can you fix me or not . well , see . you know , most faces need a little remodeling but this is a total teardown . let me clean up this mess i made . hey , . hey , that really burns there . oh , stop it . youre worse than faye dunaway . oh , weve gotta get closer . im trying . cant i get on your shoulders . im not riding a girls bike . hey , its getting away . step on it . hyah . hyah . stop kickin me . hyah . oh , boy , what a mug . yeah . you should see his genitals . would you like to see them . im awake here . uh oh . this isnt anesthetic . its new car smell . sorry , doctor . ho . silver bells silver bells its going into that building . nice suitjeeves , . daddy , im stealing . im stealing . oh , thats my little dude . we need a symbol . something that says were gay and republican . a little on the nose , dont you think . excuse me . we just came to get our balloon . here you go . and have a bumper sticker . thank you . a gay president in . were realistic . hurry . hurry up . i have to pee . beautiful . okay , now do moe . well , moe , now we see if you go on my wall of fame , or my blooper reel . ooh . what . im a monster , right . i knew it . i guess ill just crawl back to live in a sewer periodically emerging to sue you . is that me . oopsie . we got some leakage . let me just cauterize that for you . bye , moe . dont be a stranger , handsome . bye bye . homer , did you hear that . she called me handsome . me . its like ive gone to heaven . uh  wait a minute . i died on the operating table , didnt i . yeah , but just for a minute . its a funny story . ill tell you sometime . so this is all real . oh , you dear , man . youre one of us beautiful people now . and your new life begins today . a new life . a second chance for revenge . that brown patch needs a little ho . oh , yeah . hey , duff man , lets see how you like a sticker on your face . yeah . duff man cant breathe . oh , no . oh . hello . yeah , hello yourself . im moe szyslak . back in high school , i asked you to the springtime pumpkin dance and you turned me down . well , i just wanted to show you the face that you could have been kissing . yeah . oh , i was just a stupid kid back then . and i feel terrible about hurting you . will you accept my apology . apology . uh , geez . i wasnt expecting that . uh  run . man , that felt great . okay , last stop , channel . you gonna get even with that lottery guy that never picks our numbers . nah , . this is personal . it all goes back to my acting days . i was auditioning for the role of dr . tad winslow on the hit soap it never ends . angela , im afraid i  thank you . next . what were you thinking . well , you said you wanted gritty . in other words , ugly . i wanted mary ann on gilligans island ugly not cornelius on the planet of the apes ugly . tv ugly , not ugly ugly . ive been called ugly , pug ugly , fugly , pug fugly but never ugly ugly . well , its time to get some closure . extreme closure . but ive been dr . tad winslow for years . its time i got a raise . oh , shut up , you windy old hack . and another thing , you have to stop calling me that . remember me . twenty five years ago you said i was too ugly to play dr . tad winslow . i did . well , thats why pencils have erasers , hon . youre our new dr . tad winslow . really . you mean it . but there cant be two dr . tad winslows . thats going to  oh . ive been waiting all my life for this moment . homer , whoa , . homer . change of plans . whatever . like the cleaning of a house , it never ends . with gabriella defarge as gabriella st . farge . allegra hamilton as sister bernadette and roxie monoxide . and as dr . tad winslow , moe szyslak . i dont know if ill be able to accept moe as dr . tad winslow . well , im gonna keep watching as long as they have shocking story twists and endless pillow talk . cleo you brought music to my heart but this relationship can never work . im a doctor , and youre a mummy i brought back to life . but i love you , tad , and together we can burn all the cities of the earth . its against hospital regulations , damn it . and clive dancer is just waiting for me to slip up . so , lenny , how are things working out with you and that girl next door . eh , its over . she got a window shade . whoa , . if you must grope me , ladies , please , a little softer . okay , now harder . hey , there are women in our bar . hey , moe , beer me . im a little busy , homer . you can pour it yourself . hmm . this isnt nearly as complicated as moe made it seem . i didnt bring you back to life so you could make a fool of me at the club . you dont love me . the only thing you love is your ear , nose and throat pavilion . ive dedicated my life to diseases of the head holes . but the one hole ive never been able to fix is the one in my soul . that was amazing , moe . im actually a little turned on . hey , i got a gift . as a child , i was bitten by the acting bug . then it burrowed under my skin and laid eggs in my heart . now those eggs are hatching , and the feeling is indescribable . i know what you mean . our dog had that . excuse me . i got a delivery here for the producers . top secret story lines . uh , ill sign for it . uh , might as well have a little peak . hmm . hmm . looks like my character gets back together with that evil contessa . the one with the amulet . precisely . then i get in a skydiving accident and have to be rushed to the graveyard . theyre killing off dr . tad winslow . what . let me see that . interior coroners office . close up on dr . winslows mangled corpse . coroner lets get that brain out and weigh it and call it a day . yep , that does sound kind of bad . well , if theyre gonna stomp on my dreams the least i can do is go out in a blaze of sour grapes . i never used to trust you , contessa but now you seem so nice . why dont we celebrate your newfound trust in me by taking a skydiving lesson . well , how can i say no to such a captivating  ding dong . whoa . its the door . dr . winslow . why , who are you . i am an angel from the future . angel . what the  should i cut him off . no . lets see where this is going . and what do you have to tell us , o angel of the future . youre going to die in a skydiving accident . how tragic . tell me more . gabriellas baby shower will be invaded by terrorists with sexy results . oh , thats unexpected . what else . well , sister bernadette will leave the convent and start a softball team with sexy results . whats dad doing on the show . who cares . hes dishing out the dirt . and only then do we find out that professor galloways half sister is plotting to take over international perfume and wine . he just gave away a years worth of story lines . cut him off now . yes . what the hell are you doing . sticking it to you for killing off my character . yeah . whoo . you idiot . dr . winslow was only going to die in a dream . wha  pink pages always mean a dream . i thought dreams was on goldenrod . no , goldenrod is for coma fantasies . i see . so , uh , what time tomorrow . escort these men out now . get your hands off me . get off .  . i dont need your stinkin show anyway . with a mug like this , i can get on any soap in springfield . hmph . oh . oh , my face . im not supposed to put weight on it . what . what . sorry about your face , moe . nah , its just as well . that handsome face was nice , but it was too much maintenance . i had to wash it , rub it with neats foot oil . you did me a favor , homer . and to think i was about to sell the bar to hooters . yeah , you were  doh . well , i guess that wraps it up . theres one thing i dont get though . when my face was crushed , why did it go back to my old face . shouldnt it have turned into some kind of third face that was different . dont make no  shh . ohyeah , . springfield . how much farther to the campground . lets see . judging from the bug buildup . were gettin close . im not sure mosquito season is the best time to visit lauraville lake . folks . youre gonna want to turn around . the bugs are firmly in charge . what . please . just go . theyve taken the visitors center . they they ate the comment book . all right . geez . hey . hey . my class ring . oh . thanks a lot . hey . an indian casino . god bless native america . lets go . marge . come on . come on . come on . homer . you know i had a gambling problem . well . what better place to celebrate your recovery than amidst the frenzied excitement of the casino floor . lisa . uh . something troubles me about indian gaming . on the one hand . the revenue helps the tribe . sure we cant talk you into it . no minors . yeah . but i really want  sorry . son . although they seem strange to us . we must respect the ways of the indian . hi . how are ya . hi . how are ya . hi . how are ya . hi . how are ya . i gotta get in that casino . the great gabbo demands a free night in the presidential suite while performing . well give you a free pass to the pasta bar . the great gabbo accepts your terms . oh . oh . quiet . gabbo . id like to introduce you to my little wooden friend . hes in his box . pining away . say hello to  gabbo . youve become a real boy . all right . time for some underage gambling . so long . sucker . eep . your linen service has broken many promises to us . laundry bill soar like eagle . jerk . so . you like to sneak into casinos . i wasnt gonna gamble . i just wanted a bloody mary . listen to me . unless you change your deceitful ways i foresee a life of bitterness and failure for you . bart simpson . howd you know my name . your father just took out a second mortgage downstairs . youre listed as collateral . oh . i thought maybe you were some kind of indian mystic who could tell the future . who says im not . whoa . if you want to see your future throw a treasured personal item into the fire . okay . not a firecracker . hey . i bought it from a guy on your reservation . thats crazy talk . no . its true . no . i know . thats my brother . crazy talk . were all a little worried about him . now look into the flame . look ahead years to the man you will become . eww . thats me in the future . quiet . youre about to say something . check . check . hello . capital city . oh . way to make a guitar . sears . hey . bart . any clean towels . nah . use this . im sick of having to dry myself with a newspaper . you could at least do some laundry . i pay the rent . dude . you know im good for it . ill have plenty of money when my lawsuit pays off . you mean the spider bite at disneyland . or the incident with the over salted fries . hologram for bart simpson . whirring . crackling hey . dingus . your band can play at my club tonight . yes . but i can only pay you in popcorn shrimp . smell ya later . i cant believe smell ya later replaced good bye . smell ya later . bart . ralph smell ya later . all right . we got our first gig . but you traded your amplifier for a boogie board . no prob . ill just mooch some green off my folks . should we take the hover bus or the non hover bus . non hover . bleh . this virtual fudge tastes like crap . mmm . mmm . not half as good as cyber fudge . yo . its me . oh . what a bleak . horrible future we live in . dont you mean present . right . right . present . anyway . can i get you some soylent green . isnt that made of people . oh . here we go . hey . dad . my band finally got a break . i just need a little moola to get my amp out of hock . how bout a little loan ski . oh . im tired of giving you money . why cant you be more like lisa . oh . i am so sick of hearing about lisa . just because shes doing a little better than me  shes president of the united states . president elect . i couldve been president . but im too real . people cant deal with what im laying down . theyre just . like . whoa . dude . you cant say that . and im . like . watch me . were not giving you money . oh . but i want some . you shouldve thought of that before you dropped out of the devry institute . what happened to you . man . you used to be cool . im still cool . nah . youve changed . man . well . i do have this robotic prostate . but you cant see it . oh . you can . flanders is a soft touch . hell give us the money for sure . jesus . is that you . mr . flanders . youre blindeded . oh . yeah . i never shouldve had that trendy laser surgery . oh . it was great at first . but . you know . at the mark . your eyes fall out . listen . dude . oh . hi . bart . how much this time . dude . you got me all wrong . yeah . just answer me this . are you holding your mooching sack . my little one . bart . youre never gonna grow up if i keep bailing you out . then . please . help me help myself . oh . all right . but only because you havent outed rod and todd . hey . yall ready to party . now wed like to play a jimmy buffett song but he uncooly charges people to cover them . so heres a captain bart original . wasted once more in daiquiritaville rip off .  . get off the stage . we need more power . the shield wont hold much longer . oh . no . ive got half a beer in there . and bewitched is on . now weve got no home . no money . and our bands going nowhere and its all your fault . smell ya later . bart . smell ya later forever . oh . hes right . im a loser . theres only one way out of this mess . from around the globe to your frontal lobe . this is brain vision news . tonights winning lotto number  . damn . i was so close . i had . in other news . president elect lisa simpson moves into the white house tomorrow . the home features free long distance . laundry service and three food kitchens . so im the presidents no good brother . moochie moochie . lisas the president . im a pathetic loser . i gotta be honest . im not loving this vision . the fire has more wisdom to impart to you . in three . two  excellent question . yes . i am proud to be americas first straight female president . helen . wasnt i wearing a hat . yes . yes . you were . now in conclusion . my administration will focus on the three rs reading . writing and refilling the ocean . thank you very much . as you know . weve inherited quite a budget crunch from president trump . how bad is it . secretary van houten . were broke . the country is broke . how can that be . well . remember when the last administration decided to invest in our nations children . big mistake . the balanced breakfast program just created a generation of ultra strong super criminals . and midnight basketball taught them to function without sleep . what about my pledge to build the worlds largest bookmobile . isnt there any money left for that . no . and weve borrowed from every country in the world . quick . lisa . call off your  bart . ow . watch the ponytail . let him up . please . what are you doing here . i knew youd need some help keeping it real so i figured i could be like your co president . co president . are you crazy . mom . lisa wont share . be nice to your brother . lisa . dont you think we should wait for lisa . she is the president . she knows what time dinner is . sorry im late . ive been racking my brain . trying to think of something to cut from the budget . hey . wheres maggie . here she is . and look how big shes gotten . awjust , like her mommy , maggie senior . so . what did everyone do today . appointed a supreme court justice . oh . bewitched marathon . searched for lincolns gold . dad . thats just a myth . lincoln didnt hide any gold in the white house . then what is his ghost protecting . hey . thats my helicopter . yeah . i sent it to pick up ralph . no one was using it . i fell out two times . bart . you do not send a billion dollar helicopter to pick up your drinking buddy . youve changed . lisa . you used to be cool . no . i didnt . i am proud to honor the players of the negro leagues of rollerball . and as we strive for the desegregation of all death sports we cannot help but be inspired by  heads . hey . you guys owe me a frisbee . a new one . bart . get out of here . relax . lise . youll live longer . i cant relax . being president is hard work . maybe you should try doing something with your life . im gonna . yeah . did you even call about that messenger job . yeah . but they said i wouldnt get my first check for two weeks . meanwhile . theyre making major interest on my salary . hey . maybe i could sue em . fourscore and four , fourscore and five fourscore and six . fourscore and seven paces . wait . how do you know this is where lincoln buried the gold . you just started counting from an arbitrary place . i started what from a what . your plan makes no sense . gold bars discovered by marge . zero . gold bars discovered by homer . well . lets just see . oops . sorry . honey . gold bars discovered by homer . shut up . if im gonna bail the country out , ill have to raise taxes . but in my speech . id like to avoid calling it a painful emergency tax . what about colossal salary grab . see . that has the same problem . we need to soften the blow . well . if you just want to out and lie  okay . we could call it a temporary refund adjustment . i love it . really . what else do you love . lisa . fiscal solvency . oh . yeah . me too . thirty seconds . madam president . hey . lise . i need a favor . not now . bart . im about to speak to a hundred million people . this speech could make or break my presidency . i hear ya . i want you to play my demo tape in the background while youre yakkin about whatever . now . this play button is a little screwed up . so you gotta hold it down . are you insane . what . you told me i should do something with my life . five seconds . mom . my fellow americans . and voting illegal aliens . i will not mince words . your country needs you . thats why today im proposing a temporary refund adjustment . refund . hey . sounds good to me . sure beats a tax . we love you . president simpson . the months ahead will be long and arduous but it is only through arduousity that  if you like refund adjustments and the music i play send a check to my friend ralph and hell mail you a tape uh . this is my brother . bart who doesnt seem to realize this isnt the best time for his music . hes one of the people i want to help with my programs . hey . lise . my music is gonna make it a lot easier for america to swallow your big tax hike . tax hike . hold the phone . mabel . i never trusted her . dont blame me . i voted for chastity bono . daylight come and you want a my tape he say tape o post office box good night . america . and were out . why . you little  help . secret service . gagging . gasping according to polls . americans have emphatically said smell ya later to president simpsons refund adjustment . and thats the news . well smell you later at . crackling . beeps thanks a lot . bart . all right . how can we pay off our foreign debt . im afraid it looks pretty grim . were gonna have to give them the amber waves of grain the purple mountains majesty and the shores of tripoli . we dont own the shores of tripoli . shh . by the time they find out . well have taken our cyanide pills . whoa . whoa . whoa . why dont we just invite our creditor nations here and gently remind them of americas past generosity . yeah . now that i like . oh . but bart could screw everything up . you want him eliminated . no . just keep him out of my hair . out of your hair with extreme severity . no . come on . every president gets three secret murders . if you dont use them by the end of the term . phht . theyre gone . all right . which one of you suits ran over my moped . i just put a dollars worth of gas in that thing . were having a meeting . you had a meeting this morning . i have a lot of meetings . im the president . of what . the united states of dorksylvania . dont leave me hanging . greenspan . you know something . bart . youre right . my lack of coolness is really holding america back . thank you . down low . too slow . youre too much . bart . thats why im appointing you secretary of keeping it real . wow . youre really askin for my help . absolutely . i want you and your pals to go away to camp david and write up a report on coolness . well . if my country needs me  can we skinny dip . at camp david . sure . they couldnt keep pants on kissinger . whew . settle down . settle down . i invited you guys here to help me with this report . any ideas . lets start off with a joke . i got one . give me that . uh . whats the difference between pakistan and a pancake . i dont know any pancakes that were nuked by india . what . too soon . come on . people . we gotta buckle down here . when were finished . we can go through bill clintons porno stash . we got redheads . lisas counting on me for this coolness report . coolness report . youve been had . boy . billy carters ghost . damn straight . and im here to tell ya youve been sent on a wild goose chase . you mean lisa wanted to get rid of me . well . thats a big . when my brother jimmy was making peace in the middle east he sent me to belly flop academy . i guess i am an embarrassment . you sure are . but hey . theres an embarrassment of riches at the caesars pow wow indian casino . you can bet on it . you put an ad in my vision . yeah . crazy talk came up with that . he got idea from dances with focus groups . marge . i did it . i found lincolns gold . huh . dear countryman . you have come in search of my gold . and i will not disappoint you . oh . boy . oh . boy . oh . boy . my gold is in the heart of every freedom loving american . aw . crap . its in our mighty rivers . our majestic  well . isnt that clever . its a metaphor . that lying . rail splitting . theater going freak . pay your debt . we demand remittance . please . calm down . we can work something out . we germans are not a warlike people . but even we have limits . right . lets bash a noggin . yeah . get her . thats the spirit . you guys should relax . youll live longer . bart . youre supposed to be at camp david . youre meeting with debt collectors . and you dont want my help . do you know how crazy that is . guys . the thing is . we totally have the money . and we tried to wire it to you . guys . the thing is . we totally have the money . and we tried to wire it to you . but you know how banks screw up . i do not understand . we tried to call you all day saturday . we were there saturday . dude . i know . i left a message with some guy named hans . hans . he mightve been a temp . very surly . we have had a lot of turnover . you pay now . now . what happened to you . china . you used to be cool . hey . china is still cool . you pay later . later . solid . the rest of you . go on home and look in your mailboxes cause i totally remember sending checks out . mm hmm . thanks . bart . you bought us some time . what can i do to thank you . legalize it . legalize what . oh . oh . consider it done . tasty . that calls for some tune skis . guitar surf rock . warped oh . great . anyone have a paper clip . it gets kind of hazy after that . why did a vision of my future include a story about homer and lincolns gold . i guess the spirits thought the main vision was a little thin . anyway . the point is . you still have the power to change your future . ill do my best . youre a good kid . heres a coupon for some crab claws . hey . this is expired . there you are . cmon we have to go dad pushed a waitress . and mom lost .  . youre not gonna believe it . lise . this cool indian guy showed me our future . really . anything good . ill say . ive got my own band and a moped . what about me . eh . some government job . shh . moochie moochie . springfield . ah , trash night . in france they call it la nuit de poubelle . in germany its crappenfest . i cant believe it only comes times a year . quit gabbin and start grabbin . and remember , the best stuff is usually deep in the garbage juice . see . a new pacifier for maggie . lookee here . cardy board tubes . now we can have indoor plumbin , just like theys got at the womens lockup . they spoilt you , brandine . sometimes i dont even know who you are anymore . ha . look like milhouses mom finally threw out his blankie . hell pay a lot to get this back . especially when we send it to him piece by piece . shh . quiet . it seems i will never sell these she hulk vs . leon spinks comics . worst crossover ever . yeah . shoo , nerds . shoo . well , this muscle shirts a pretty good find . dad , thats a sports bra . all i know is im finally getting the support i need . look , dad . barber hair . oh , italian . hey , vinnie . hows about a pizza . i got a no job . mamma mia . look what the hawaiian restaurant threw out . get out of my dreams and into my car . i dont remember the air in the kitchen being so wavy . good lord . thats gas . hmm . hmm . behold . i am king talkie tiki . hey , flanders . can your god do that . a actually, , homer , you and i worship the same god , so  irregardless . i am your god now . homer you can just re wrap the gas line do you know how dangerous that is . do not anger talkie tiki . i am all power  ill be at moes . so i says to the cop , no youre driving under the influence of bein a jerk . hey , barney , whats with the glum face . you glum or somethin . huh , glummy . you know , it was my birthday last week and no one remembered . what are you , nuts . i threw you a party at my house . you lie . why would i not remember my own  birthday . but we did have a shindig for you , barn . we even videotaped it . look . oh , thats it , baby . all for moe . oh , yeah , work the slot . show me the package . whoa . thats thats a project im workin on . sorry . okay , mom . were rollin . i wrote a poem for barney on this special occasion . now that youre one year older , the time flew by so fast  bart . give me that . im just sayin that when we die theres gonna be a planet for the french , a planet for the chinese and well all be a lot happier . mr . gumble , youre upsetting me . no , im not . gee . is that what i look like when im drunk . you wish . thats the stage we call professor barney . talkative , coherent , even insightful . heres drunk . well , im off to market . marge , youre making a complete fool of yours  oh , its just barney . precious alcohol , soaking in the shag . oh . how embarrassing . well , how did this happen . oh , that . youve had that for a while . yeah , i cant really picture you without it . oh , im a disgrace . disgracefully hilarious . you passed out before we could even give you your presents . i still got mine . barney , i got you what no drunk can do without  morning after stationery . and i got you helicopter flyin lessons . can you imagine this booze bag at the wheel of a whirlybird . hed be all , look at me . im a tanked up loser in a helicopter . ah , anyway , happy b day, , pumpkin . so , im a tanked up loser . is that how you see me . oh , sounds like a certain loser could use some tankin up . hey , . where you goin . ill show you . im gonna take these helicopter lessons . wait a minute , barney . you gotta be sober to fly . i mean , its not like driving a car . then im gonna quit drinkin . no , i mean it . you wont see me here again , ever . wait . that aint funny . hes my best customer . well , the handwritings on the wall . to stay afloat , this bar is gonna have to go queer . you mean its not . oh . wrong again , gay guide to springfield . farewell , my longneck friends . all right , world . get ready to meet the clean and sober barney gumble . whee . give me a beer . i knew youd be back . santeria , youre the greatest . barney , didnt you say you were going to stop drinking . i know , but its so hard . please help me , homer . you came to the right guy . ill straighten you out right after i finish this beer . mmm . ohh . mmm . ohh . oh , man , thats sweet . okay , lets go . my name is barney , and im an alcoholic . i feel for you , pally , but , uh , you want a . a . this is triple a . oh . my name is homer , and im planning a trip to saint louis . east saint louis . is there any other saint louis . uh , welcome back , homer . i see you finally hit rock bottom . not a chance . i can sink way lower . i just came to help my friend barney . we all know why were here , dont we . to keep ourselves sober , and to network . so lets get started . well , after i lost my third job in two days old gil was in a pit of despair . and thats when you realized you were an alcoholic . oh , no , i never touch the stuff . but you dont have to be drunk to know the value of amway . now , this is used crankcase oil which you ladies know is murder to clean upyou , know . and companys coming  oh . youre doing this at the worst possible time . oh , your fingers in my eye . i have a problem with alcohol and i need help . well , your recovery begins today . and we promise you all the sugar cookies and secondhand smoke you can handle . these sugar cookies you speak of are they real or symbolic . theyre on that table over there . oh , i dont wanna walk that far . anything that takes steps isnt worth doin . get it . huh . twelve . steps . hey , how did i get out here . hurt everyone . did ga just say hurt everyone . ga cute name . the springfield phone book needs a new cover . it does . send us your snapshots , and if we select yours , you win a fabulous mystery prize . to enter , send your film to this address . too quick . try again . did you get it . here it is . coming in from the left . dont delay . do it today . you think we should enter . well , it shouldnt be too hard to beat the old photo . ugh . hmm . its gotta be here somewhere . hmm . hmm . hmm . hey , heres a camera . and its still got a roll of film in it . man , these old cameras are really built solid . bart , we need that to win the contest . win the what now . here goes . so hes so busy worrying about the front rotor , he walks right into the back one . only in this business . id like to sign up for helicopter lessons . sorry , pal , but it takes a special kind of man to pilot these birds . i got a coupon . okay , get in . elvis played a chopper pilot one time . he made so many darn mistakes we were just laughin at him . great singer though . oh , absolutely . you know who else i like is that , uh , leo sayer . anyway , were nice and level now . how would you like to take the controls . you think im ready . sure , i do . one sec . testing , black box . one , two . shes all yours , friend . whoa . whoa . whoa . whoa . hey , i think im gettin it . yes , thats great . now lets just pull ourselves out of this tailspin here . whoo . oh , im sorry about that . its okay . thats what the diapers are for . now when the mama bird returns to feed her babies well have a prize winning picture . lisa , people these days dont wanna see a baby bird . they wanna see celebrities at their worst . mmm . mmm . is that rainier wolfcastle . check out the gut . its for a movie . im playing a fat secret agent . mmm . mmm . hey , homer . uh , no , . dont sit there . take this seat  right next to the tap . but thats barneys seat . are you trying to make me the new barney . hey , every bar needs a world class drunk . yeah , someone who makes our alcoholism seems less raging . well , forget it , guys . i am not barney . see , homer . its not so bad . now dance , rummy . o okay . you danced for hours just because they told you to . if i didnt , id lose their respect . huh . check it out , homer . im flyin this thing . get it away from the house . wanna go for a ride . can i , marge . can i . yes , go . just go . oh , you missed some big changes at moes . he hangs newspapers over the urinals now . you can read the sports page while you pee . very la di . ive made some big changes too . can you believe im flyin this helicopter . power lines . power lines . whoops . sorry . whoa . when i think about all the time i wasted at moes  wasted . what about our staring contests . and the way we always knew what football coaches shouldve done . remember the day we jumped that census guy and stole his clicker . those are all priceless memories , homer but i dont wanna do that stuff anymore . oh , so youre better than me . is that it . i didnt say that . take me home . oh , dont be that way , homer . ill scream . okay , . so how was your ride with barney . i dont wanna talk about it . stupid barney . thinks hes too good for me . cheer up , homie . you dont need friends to be happy . i havent had a friend in years . but you got me . who have i got . oh . well , you still have lenny and carl . oh , lenny and carl suck . please dont tell lenny and carl i said that , cause if i ever lost em as friends  if barneys that important to you , youve gotta work it out . old friends stick together , like o . j . and a . c . or the falcon and the snowman . oh , why cant i have a nickname . okay , thats it . looks good . oh , bart the bulldog didnt ante . okay , on three . one , two  perfect . phone book cover , here i come . ha ha . hey . no fair . oh , well never get a good picture . hey , why dont we dump spaghetti on maggies head . that pictures a clich . picture . hey , apu , you got any of those potato chips that give you diarrhea . i need to do a little spring cleaning . theyre in the safety cabinet . ill get the key . oh , hello , homer . barney . beer , huh . thats right . enjoy . that i will . then we agree . you keep thinking that . i will . me too . good day then . good day then is right . ta . ta ta . hey , you did not pay for that beer . boy , you can see everything from mount springfield  the squidport , the old monorail  the rlay doh factory . crescent moon . crescent moon . come on , springfield . sparkle for me , baby . thats it . heads up . ow . bart , thats hot . i said heads up . lenny , carl , i know a lot of people bad mouth you and focus on how you suck , but not me . to me , youre true blue . aw , thanks , big guy . now dance , rummy . okay . hiya , moe . well , if it isnt little miss im not wasting my life anymore which he is . moe , ive come here to make amends for my disgraceful behavior over the last years . oh , thats okay , barn . no , its not okay . i broke barstools , befouled your broom closet and made sweet love to your pool table , which i then befouled . well , that would explain the drop off in play . this is a channel news bulletin . fire has broken out on mount springfield trapping two youngsters and their camera . oh , no . thats bart and lisa . unfortunately , fire trucks are unavailable to fight the blaze as theyre all being used to film the new burt reynolds movie , fireball and mudflap . i caught up with burt on the set . so , burt , tell us a little about fireball and mudflap . well , i playjerry fireball mudflap a feisty supreme court justice , whos searching for his birth mother while competing in a cross country fire truck race . its garbage . barney , you gotta fly us up there and save my kids . i cant . ive never flown solo . barney , the call is from heroism . will you accept the charges . where are you going . the fires that way . i know . i know . i havent learned right turns yet . aaah . look out . aaah . i cant do this . my nerves are shot . beer . thats what i need . barney , no . dont . yes . i need it . no . youve gotta be sober for this . give me that . ew , its warm . you cant drink em all . oh , yes , i can . ill  give me that . i wont let you give up now when you worked so hard  to be the greatest pal in the world . i love you . lets not lose touch after graduation . you brave man . you took six silver bullets for me . stay away from my wife . looks like its up to me . we should be safe up here . im pretty sure fires cant climb trees . ow . dad . hi , kids . hang on . ill throw you a ladder . get off .  . get off .  . dad , help . help . all right , im comin . let me know if youre gonna do that again , homer . you did it , dad . you cant prove i did it . no . you saved our lives . i could do a lot of things if i had some money . what . now theres a picture . kids . the new phone books are here and your pictures on the cover . all right . whoa . cool . let me see . isnt it adorable . i guess some baby pictures were on that old roll of film . oh , well be the laughingstock of the whole town . well , at least we won the bike . actually , i took the picture , so i gave my prize to the orphanage . what . how could you . just kidding . i would never do that . well , im glad were friends again . yeah . so what do you call this stuff . a double tall mocha latte . its not bad . well , it aint beer . but at least i got that monkey off my back . ah . oh . oh . ha , . nobody gets away from moe . nobody . oh . oh . shh . springfield . ow . ow . ow . ow . ow . hmm . heres the mail , dad . thatll be three dollars for on couch delivery . and three makes three . this isnt real money . its printed by the montana militia . itll be real soon enough . oh . my first issue of self test monthly . finally i get to find out what makes me tick . im betting its hunger and rage . yeah , but at what ratio . are you a good driver . yes . are you a good lover . yes . oh , im doing great . dad , those are just the names of the quizzes . youre supposed to open the magazine . my way is easier . why dont you be the quizmaster and ask other people the questions . oh , quizmaster , yes . that would entertain me briefly . okay , flanders , your love quiz score is . that makes you a frigid frieda . i took off points for all that crying you did . well , it was a little insensitive giving me a sex test seeing that my wife just passed away . no way . when . six months ago . you were at the funeral . you fell into the grave . oh , yeah . i saw a gopher . what a day . okay , last question . who is your favorite backstreet boy . oh , the little rat faced one . no , . nick . hes so good to his mother . according to this , youre both idiots . hey , thanks . what do we owe you . okay . theres a black widow at your door a rattlesnake at the window and a scorpion on the phone . do you , a  none of the below , b  homie , for god sakes , its a . m . fine . ill take the next quiz . how long will you live . in an average week , how many braised ribs do you eat . marge , do you think that counts honey braised . i dont know . im trying to sleep . okay , nonsmoker  add eight years . hmm . so according to this , ill live to be  . oh , thats horrible . i wont even live to see my children die . now whats wrong . ive only got three more years to live . well , maybe you added it wrong . let me have it . mmm , . mmm mmm . see . and these quizzes are never wrong , marge . theyre put together by the finest scientists in the magazine business . oh , honey , dont panic . if you just made a few lifestyle changes  no . cant sleep . gonna die . cant sleep . gonna die . were back with legendary producer robert evans . now before you did the godfather . there was love story . tell us about that . ah , love story . the little picture that could . was paramount chomping at the bit to make it . you better believe they werent . but once that tearjerker hit john q . popcorn it was boffo boo hoo box office all the way . and the critics loved it too . i remember vincent canby said  im gonna kill you , homer . you are so dead . now chinatown was a classic . but you had problems with the sequel , the two jakes . oh , boy . disappointed . i had the blues like chasens had chili . i said to myself , evans , you forgot hollywood rule number one  kill homer simpson . hey , whats all the screaming . some of us have grammar school in the morning , you know . maybe you should see a doctor , homie . a head doctor . im not crazy . its the tv thats crazy . arent you , tv . the crisis . charlie bluhdorns birthday . the solution . a snappy banner . out comes the phone , in flies bobby towne and six drafts later , i had myself a party . you see . gibberish . all gibberish . so tell me , are all you government inspectors so handsome and strapping . well , weve got a soloflex down at h . q . anyway , everything looks great , mr . burns . i cant find a single violation or employee acting strangely . you got to hide me . death is after me . and i dont entirely trust these cowboys . is this man an employee . of course not . hes just a harmless maniac here to remind us of the precious gift of sanity . oh , god . whats he doing . thats it . thats it . a mother cant die . and im a mother . see . you hate your father , dont you . sometimes . but the guy i really hate is your father . i shouldnt have brought that up . i was just venting . anyhoo , i think your fear of death is causing your insomnia which is provoking your erratic behavior . well , why isnt my baby gaining weight . because its made of plastic . i see . what you need is a good , long rest . i suggest florida . florida . but thats americas wang . they prefer the sunshine state . mom , barts sitting next to me . mom , lisas growing . quiet , you two . you know your fathers had a breakdown . my pockets hurt . okay , honey . were almost to palm corners . therell be nothing to do but lie on the beach and relax . spring break . spring break . spring break . oh , no . we came during spring break . take em off the glass . take em off the glass . this looks like a terrible place to relax . were gonna get you to a  huh . party . whoo hoo . hey . boys its the wild weekend we did it then and well do it again were having fun and we just got started this is terrible . the whole point of coming down here was for you to get some rest . jealous of your boobs not now well . enjoy your sightseeing . i promise i wont leave this bed . i trust you , honey . sweet dreams . uh , could you just shut off the  party . party . party . party . party . party . now this is living . whoo . sepulveda here doing the veejay thing for the most out of spring break ever . and since its my birthday , well party extra hard . no . not yet . im only . what up . chew toys . cienega here tightening the hose clamps for you bad girls . weve got kid rock coming up for all you mosh monkeys . whoo . i like music . yo . yo . straight out of detroit , yall . its the j o to the c . lets rock the party with kid rock . oh , no . its a lost child . dont worry , folks . ill tackle him . yo , rock . tell spring break what your name is . my name is kid kid rock and if you look to your left youll see another endless stretch of stagnant water . oh , well , look who turned out to greet us , folks . its our towns most famous resident , captain jack . look at the size of that gator . is he a man eater . only convicts and hoboes . do you have any hobo chunks we can throw to him . afraid not . now years ago captain jack helped build palm corners by dragging sticks and stones from the swamps . legend has it he designed the town flag . say hello . captain jack . ahh . oh , he can crawl up through my toilet any day . thank you . its the pimp of the nation , kid rock , tearing it up at spring break , yall . now what wed like to do next is bring it down for a minute . bring on the rappin granny . what . shes hilarious . you know , a lot of my homies didnt make it to the party . and were gonna give props to the fallen by pouring a on the curb . but this aint no curb . so were gonna need gallons , yall . all for homer . all for homer . what the  hey , whos that fool . yo , lets waste that beeyotch . beeyotch . moi . ahh . son of a  we built this city on rock and roll uh oh . well give that punk a joe c section . lets do this thing . all right now , boys , thats enough . kid rock , thats not like you . and . joe c .  . would your mama want you stretching out that sweatshirt like that . no , sir . please dont tell mama . they called you a pig , sheriff . well , i dont care what they call me as long as they play fist of rage . thats a good song . oh , thank goodness . where were you . guess how many boobs i saw today , marge . fifteen . ohh . i hope he didnt cause too much trouble , sheriff . ah , boys will be boys . i reckon he was just blowing off a little steam . doesnt he talk funny . hey , my insomnia , its gone . check it out , marge . im sane again . and i owe it all to spring break . whoo . whoo . im an animal . huh . hey , where is everybody . spring break is over . its time to get back to our studies . the world looks to us , the college students , for leadership . fine . be nerds . ill find some people who know the true meaning of the words par tay . louie oh . no i said we gotta go yeah . yeah . yeah . yeah we built this city this kick ass city what kind of music built this city rock and roll dad , look out . look out for what the giant gator the giant  oh , no . you killed captain jack . you in a heap of trouble , son . youll have to catch me first . uhh . owi okay . ill go quietly . did you really have to handcuff the children . no , maam , i did not . you seemed so understanding before . what happened to boys will be boys . you see , during spring break , the beer companies pay me to look the other way . the rest of the year , im a real hard ass . okay , sweet pea , youre next . whoa . looks like we got a teeny houdini here . well , dont you worry , darlin . i got some baby cuffs in the station . look . this is our chance . lets go . you cant drive , dad . hes got your license . im gonna try anyway . it worked . its a miracle . oh , dang it . now why does that only happen when nobodys looking . pull over . theres no good place . theres lots of good places . what about over there . no shade . huh . perfect . homer , no . youll kill us all . or die trying . dang . doh . dad , what do we do . the only thing we can do . sit tight and try to get some sleep . hey , wheres dad . rise and shine , everybody . you went to the snack car . yeah . but first i talked to the engineer . he said theres a procedure for dealing with events of this nature . oh . okay . now am i the only one on fire . good . this family has hit a new low . were on the run from the law , totally lost no car , no money , no clean clothes and its all your fault . i love being married . a diner . its perfect . we can hide out here until the heats off . you took the signs out of the window . thats pretty presumptuous . how do you know im gonna hire you . sorry . i just want to be a broom boy so bad . i like your attitude . youre hired . how about you , missy . do you want to be a mop girl . not really , no . i like your honesty . youre hired . and you two havent said a word . i like that . youre hired . whoo hoo . hey , keep it down . yall can stay in this trailer . now it aint buckingham palace . ohh . but i raised eight young uns, , three chilluns and a baby here . ewi oh , its so cozy . youre insincere . i like that . can i top you off , hon . no , thanks . more hash browns , sugar . no , im good . this just in . authorities in six toe county are on the lookout for a family of fugitives . theyre charged with gatorcide and defrauding an amtrak snack bar . trouble with the law , huh . well , im not one to judge . the way i see it , were all sinners . yall just lie low here . youll be safe with ol velma . stop that . but i was just  scat . gonna try to  go on now . knock you out . just quit . jimmy crack corn and i dont care jimmy crack corn and im not there we built this city on rock and roll something , day wow . look at all the stars you can see here . those noxious gases from the swamp must magnify them . im getting used to this country life . teacher says im whittling at a th grade level . and yall hardly ever bicker anymore . too hot to bicker , i reckon . you know , killin that gator was the best decision i ever made . got that right . darn tootin . boy howdy . yep , this place is great . someday , when lisa and bart get married , itll all be theirs . yuck . you mean when they marry other people . okay , but i aint payin for two weddins . hey , wake up . were moving . you just relax . ill have you in jail by suppertime . youd better . hey , youre stealing my trailer . i like that . your honor , id like to represent myself . drunken hicks of the jury  wed be much better rock breakers if we werent all chained together . ow . no talkin . you know , you catch more flies with honey than with vinegar . ow . im beginning to dislike the man with the whip . afternoon , folks . i got a new assignment for you . the judge is having a little soiree and he needs some help . ow . no listenin . you hear me . uh , no . you just dont learn , do you . ow . champagne , madam . ow . son of a  and the gentleman . ow . damn it . simpson , we got a problem . the jazz pianist didnt show up . what am i supposed to do . ow . okay , bart . ill sweet talk the sheriff while you grab his keys . what should i do . restock the possum bar . were almost out of claws . ohh . my goodness . what a lovely suit , sheriff . is that seersucker . nah . not on a civil servants salary . its near sucker . well , the fabric really brings out the red in your neck . yup . its coming along , huh . you should see it in august after the horseflies been getting at it . hoo man . dang , i wish i could . but in august , our chain gang has to dig for tar . well , now . i might could switch you to dead animal pick up . heyi oh . run . huh . hey . oh . nice try . i guess we just havent been whipping you enough . sakes alive . our beloved captain jack isnt dead after all . well , dont that beat all . i guess you folks just stunned him . thats what weve been trying to tell you . well , looks like you folks are free to go . but dont you set foot in the state of florida again . fine . there are plenty of other states that are happy to have us . well , were still welcome in north dakota and arizona . arizona smells funny . north dakota , here we come . ive always wanted to see mount rushmore . thats south dakota . oh . bawitdaba da bang a dang diggy said the boogie said up jump the boogie bawitdaba da bang a dang diggy said the boogie said up jump the boogie bawitdaba da bang a dang diggy said the boogie said up jump the boogie bawitdaba da bang a dang diggy said the boogie said up jump the boogie love and for the hate shh . springfield . the cyborganizer  a high tech robocop created for one purpose only to help the n . y . p . d . tackle its tedious paperwork . good work , cyborganizer . i can streamline any procedure  except this thing you call love . oh , poor cyborganizer . homer , sitting that close to the tv cant be good foryou . talking while the tvs on cant be good for you . you should getyour eyes checked . im taking bart to the mall to buy camping supplies . why dontyou come along .  . nah . i wanna enjoy this show before the network retools it . how can i organize this modeling agency and still be a good single father .  . i loveyou , daddy . aww .  . too late . whee . touch the sky , maggie . whee . touch the sky . dad , ive got maggie . who said that .  . come on , bart . whileyour dad gets his glasses , well go shop foryour trip . oh , i hate shopping . just get me a deck of cards and ill win whatever i need from the other kids . butyou need to try things on . every brand has a different idea ofhusky . im in tantrum position . t minus remembering dead cat for real tears , and  fine , you win . ill doyour shopping foryou . tantrum averted . but now i cant forget the cat . okay . lets get started . oh . hey , wake up . sorry . now read the first line . i ate pee pee . why , you little  better orworse . worse . better orworse . much better . dad . that pairs popularwith celebrities like val kilmer . oh . my favorite door . and yoko ono . ew . she ruined the plastic ono band . maybeyoure a candidate for laser eye surgery . will it get me out of havin to choose glasses .  . well , yes , but i must warn you its an experimental procedure and we still dont know the long term effects  less yappin , more zappin . well , looks like we got everything for barts camping trip . blairwitch repellent , antler saw and deep woods scrabble . oh . tango de la muerte . ive been dying to see that movie . it got rave reviews from both the entertainment radio network and the radio entertainment network  lets go . wait . you gotta use these drops . they prevent your eyes from crusting over . oh , here we go with the add ons . no , thanks . now that my severed foot has been reattached i must win back the coveted dance title  loco legs . as yourwise but alcoholic dance coach i know that somewhere your father is looking down on you and smiling . oh , there he is . and now , i must choose a beautiful partner for the big dance contest . hmm . hmm hmm . no . hmm . oh , hell never dance with her . shell have to settle for some mexican milhouse . i demand to knowyour name . my name is lisabella . thats my name with bella on the end ofit . ask her . oh , god . please ask her to dance . i shall dance with her . oh . qu malo . once again , i must sugar my own churro . but i am just a simple librarian . i have only read about dancing in books . i will showyou something that is in no book . oh . mmm . ohh . mmm . shes not plain . shes beautiful . there is just one dance that will beat them the tango de la muerte . only one man was crazy enough to dance that dance , and he is dead . my twin brother , freduardo . but where he died , i shall live  in his apartment . you are now carrying my child . but how .  . it is the mystery ofthe dance . oh , mom , i wanna be a dancer . thats wonderful , honey . we should askyour father , though . where is he , anyway .  . now , homie , when we get to the liquorstore buy me some jack daniels and a carton of smokes . yes , dear . ohh . i remember little vicki valentine . her perky smile and dancing brought america right out of the depression . well , i thinkworld war ii helped a little , mom . dont smart mouth, , lisa . a great big sunshine hello toyou . hi , littlevicki . thatwas such a long time ago . im just plain vicki now . all right . id like to sign my daughter up for lessons , vicki . littlevicki . butyou just said  sowhat dance stylewereyou interested in .  . we have ever so many . theres ballroom . ow . you stepped on my toes again . ifyou would just let me lead  youre not a leader , seymour . never have been , neverwill be . oh . theres square dancing . oh , the birdie in the cage out , lady in the center . now the birdie is purty and the crows hop in . put the featherall together , hell bent forleather . putyourhoneyin the saddle  or theres the dance that made me ever so famous  tap . but i want to learn a dance i can use in real life , like the tango de la muerte . oh , bless your heart . lets getyou some tap shoes . uh , little vicki , i really think she had her heart set on  little advice , dont live through your child . okay . camp is gonna be great . seven days without parents , homework or ear medicine . yes , sir . this is gonna be the best week of ouryoung lives . im gonna pound you two all week . oh . whatd we do .  . nothin . but i gotta pound somebody . ha ha . now where do we go .  . i dont wanna go home . my grandmas sleeping in my bed , and she has skin like a basketball . wait a minute . everybody thinks were at camp this week . we can staywhereverwe want . yeah , like the four seasons . each room has its own safe . ive got a better place . the mall .  . yeah . its just like my dad always says for an evening or a week , theres no place like the mall . food , fun and fashion  the mall has it all . what .  . what did he say .  . now , the key to great dancing is one word tappa tappa . tappa tappa . teacher , my shoes are making noise . you must be ralph . my daddy shoots people . good . good . wait a minute . somebodys offthe beat . let me hearyou two . okay , now you . whoa . children , stop it . for all you know , she has a medical condition . nope . i see . this is way better than camp . no mosquitoes , no stupid camp songs . ifyoure happy and you know it shop at stans giant discounts on your favorite major brands man on p . a . attention , shoppers . the mall is now closed . okay , folks . you heard the recording . clear out . quick . up here . where are we goin .  . quiet . just keep scurrying . worms . gold . wait , this is just chocolate . chocolate . and these are gummyworms . gummy . warheads . jelly bellies . were like two kids in a candy store . yes . flavors gone . flavors gone . shoe fight . ow . no golfshoes . ready , milhouse .  . gimme a sec . ready .  . jump . whoa . whoa . were lumberjacks . oh , mygod . look at this place . how could this happen . theres candy chewed , wigs pulled from stands cheese packages poked and repoked . every sign points to one obvious culprit  a giant rat . youll have to shut down the mall . on presidents dayweekend .  . areyou crazy .  . crazywith concern for the public , yes . now shut this place down before the old folks come in for their morning walk . tappa tappa , . oh . whoa . ow . sorry . the floors kind of at an angle here . im gonna move over there . okay . from tappa tappa . lisas bad dancing makes my feet sad . oh . lets take five . what am i doing wrong , little vicki .  . well , youre falling a lot . maybeyou should work on that . yeah . well , no offense , but maybe i need a little more instruction than just tappa tappa . why , backwhen i was your age , i had movies under my belt and i had to do it without tappa tappa . i would have killed for tappa tappa . sorry . im just frustrated . well , youll never save grandpas farm with that attitude . youve just got to turn that frown upside down . thats , a smile , not an upside down frown . work on that too . hey , we got a postcard from bart . dear mom and homer im having fun . oh , it sounds like hes havin fun . why does it have a picture ofvitamin barn .  . didntyou ever go to camp .  . the old vitamin barn . theres our broadway baby . hey , dig that crazy rhythm . im just walking . listen , i know i said i wanted to be a dancer , but  and you will be a dancer . look at you , all sugar and spice instead of equations and test tubes . youre daddys precious dancing queen . and you look adorable . now , honey , what wereyou trying to say before we kept interrupting with our loving proudness .  . yes , our tiny tapper . what was it you were going to say after i wanted to be a dancer , but  .  . but i just need more practice . see ya . oh . whats that awful sound .  . the furnace .  . its , me . aww . why is you so down , little miss vicki .  . my kitty cats sick and id be ever so sad if she should die . well , im no animal doctor or nothin but whenever im feelin poorly , you know what fixes me up .  . dancin . dancin .  . dancin . but i dont know how to dance . oh , ill show you how . there . now youre gettin it . look at me , powder puff . im dancin . the cat dances better than i do . the cat dances better than i do . gosh , that cheese looks good . think i could grab it before that anvil hits .  . i dont know , chief . its a million to one . i like those odds . my mistake was grabbing the cheese . professor frink , will that spaceship be ready for the recital .  . i have visited the future , and yes , it will . okay , kids . tonights the big night . now remember , the important thing is to just dance flawlessly . excuse me . whyisnt , myname in the program . it is , silly . youve got the most important part of all . curtain puller .  . no one can see the show ifthe curtain isnt open . but my parents are counting on seeing me dance . and ive worked ever so hard . im sorry , lisa , but giving everyone an equal part when theyre clearly not equal is called what again , class .  . communism . thats right . and i didnt tap all those morse code messages to the allies till my shoes filled with blood just to roll out thewelcome mat forthe reds . all right . ill be the stupid curtain puller . smoothly . pulla pulla . i getyour pulla pulla . scuse , me , lisa , but i couldnt , help but overhearyournerdlypredicament . maybe i can be of assistance with the dancing and the twisting and the kung fu fighting . i first observed this technology at the airport gift shop . as you see , it responds to any percussive sound with an exuberant shaking ofits groove thing , yeah , . its most entertaining , but how does that help me .  . observe . oh . thats brilliant , professor . what will you think of next .  . well , i also found this at the gift shop . isnt it cute .  . im hoping to turn it into a weapon . itll kill ya . ive gotta go now . should i get the backup lion , chief .  . would you .  . can you see the lion anywhere .  . well , doyou see him or not .  . areyou saying hes right on the other side ofthat plant .  . okay . run . this way . uh oh . bart , youre a genius . you okay , milhouse .  . nothing that a handful of gummy bears cant fix . well , . looks like the cat got the rat . and thats the end ofthat tale . and thats the end ofthat tale . okay , everyone . we need big smiles out there , so line up for dimpling . now this may hurt a lot . what am i saying , may .  . ow . now thats a happy face . little vicki , i figured out how to dance . i can be in the show now . im sorry , lisa . people go to a childrens dance recital expecting a certain level of professionalism . but butyou dont understand  i ate too much plastic candy . heavens to betsy . the star ofthe show is sick . whateverwill we do .  . theres only one person who can get us out ofthis pickle . lisa .  . yes .  . help me into ralphs costume . showtime , children . lets go . okay , curtain puller . this is your moment to shine . oh , its too important . ill do it foryou . lean , muscular children of mars , we bring you candy . lets walk overto them . whywalkwhen you can dance .  . wheres lisa .  . shh . this plot is hard enough to follow as it is . on the spaceship lollipop gingerbread men like to do hip hop and chocolate chips huh .  . we just love to dance on mars where everything  oh . there she is . hi , honey . wow . look at her go . yeah , that pressure we put on her really paid off . ohh . oh . whoa . what are you doing .  . i cant help it . its the shoes . nobody upstages little vicki . oh , please stop . im just getting started . ohh . stop clapping . whoa . go , lisa . come on , everybody . give it up for my little girl . stop the clapping . youll kill us all . lisas gone berserk . do something , homer . do something . oh . thanks , dad . i didnt think . ijust acted . self tapping shoes .  . im ever so pissed . im sorry , vicki . i just wanted to be a dancer so badly . i understand . we all do crazy things when were desperate . i once destroyed buddy ebsens credit rating . why .  . he knows why . jesus , mary and glavin . these shoes are in the off position . you mean i danced all by myself .  . see , honey .  . all you needed was to believe  what are you talkin about , professor frink .  . theyre clearly in the on position . see .  . on . i was merely trying to spare the girls feelings , you insensitive clod . oh . ohh . well , now that i look even closer  forget it , dad . i guess im never gonna be a broadway baby . thats not true , honey . you can always write a depressing broadway play of some kind . you think so .  . sure . it could be a story about people coming to terms with things . hey , yeah . you could load it up with lots ofswears . thats what david mamet does . oh , i loveyou guys . uh oh . its out ofits matrix . nobody move . why , its just a cute little weasel . hello , there , mr . weasel . isnt , that cute . im , down . shh . tappa tappa . springfield . now be careful with those video cameras , children . in order to buy them , the school board had to eliminate geography . this globe will never spin again . now , class , i want you to be creative with your video projects . i dont want to see blair witch knockoffs . stop hitting yourself , take one . stop hitting yourself .  . stop hitting yourself .  . stop hitting yourself .  . tonight on the discovery channel , inside lisas nose . what will we find , boogers or nazi gold . bart , quit it . no way . bart sleeps with raggedy andy . cut , . otto , a red traffic light means what .  . ooh . no time for brainteasers . todays the day i ask my girlfriend to take a ride on the matrimony pony . ottos got a girlfriend ottos got a girlfriend thats right , i do . i know you do . baby . otto , since when have you had a girlfriend .  . we met in the summer of love . woodstock , . quick . i need some water . eight dollars . not in this lifetime . okay . this is it . otto .  . every rose has its thorn just like every cowboy sings a sad , song becky , youre my rose . will you let me be your thorn .  . oh , otto . of course my answer is  ooh , wait , . this solo is kick ass . honey , could you turn it down .  . okay . but this better be worth it . yes , i will marry you . cool . hmm . hmm . homer , look . were invited to ottos wedding . oh , and such delicate tissue paper . huh .  . zig zag . ow , . no knife games on the kitchen table . i didnt hit your precious table . ohhh , were cordially invited this saturday to join otto and becky at evergreen terrace .  . thats our address . i told otto he could have the wedding here . hope thats okay . you should have asked first , bart . weddings are hard work and cost thousands of dollars . hey , itll be easy . you still got most of the stuff from apus wedding back there . oh , all right . otto can get married here . but , homer , you have to get rid of that elephant . lets see . candles , flowers , place cards , rice . oh , mom , youre not supposed to throw rice anymore . birds eat it , their stomachs swell , and they explode . why am i just learning this now .  . son , your mother and i dont approve of this marriage as we have not approved of any part of your life to date . well , the important thing is you came . were leaving . drive safe . always a bridesmaid , only occasionally a bride . lisa , its time you learned the truth about men . theyre pigs .  . the bitterness is strong in this one . so , any words for the bride and groom .  . not now , bart . im trying to urinate . you dont seem to be trying very hard . dad . the bride and groom are supposed to cut the wedding cake . oh , thats just superstition . thank you . mm hmm . oh , becky , you look beautiful . i thought you might want to see this bridal magazine . its got tips forth perfect marriage  all donts . oh , well be fine . ottos got a clean police record and he doesnt do any needle drugs . well , the real key according to sexperts is mutual interests . no prob . we like all the same things . except  mm hmm .  . dont tell otto , but im not into heavy metal and he loves it . he refers to our lovemaking as the head bangers ball . oh , you can fix little defects like that with gentle nagging . make it part of the background noise of your relationship . thats how i polished homer into the perfect  homer . no . thats ice . and now  as forth matter of my honorarium . what .  . you know , my emolument . huh .  . pay me  . whoo .  . ahyeah , you got poison to play at our wedding .  . were cyanide . a loving tribute to poison . we need a ride home . you expect me to walk down the aisle to a monster ballad .  . let me talk to otto . thats okay . i guess this is sort of our song . well , it doesnt have to be . ottos just going to have to decide whats more important  his heavy metal or you . becky , what have i done here .  . im so sorry . in about minutes , id take off that wedding dress or youre gonna look crazy . moe , can i give you some shrimp forth road .  . nah . ill just take the ring pillow and these , uh , seven presents i bring . ah , you know what .  . cram some shrimp in too . head to tail . that way you can fit more . how about some sauce .  . thanks . becky , i know you must feel awful but at least this didnt happen after you were married . yeah . its better now than when youre too old and fat to get another man . i feel so low . what am i going to do .  . hey , why dont you stay with us .  . bart , remember that talk we had about you volunteering our house .  . remember that talk we had about you not wrecking peoples weddings .  . its settled . the stranger stays with us . yea . ch ch time to change the oil changes dont want to be an oily man a man innocently changes his oil when a two ton car comes crashing down . changing oil crashing down . whod have thought you could hold up a car with a wicker basket .  . now lisas going through this phase where she doesnt eat any meat . so i usually sneak a little meat juice into her vegetables . wow . youre a real life martha stewart . i mean , without the evil . may i .  . mmm , yummers . nobodys ever called my gravy yummers before . mmm . you know what would be really nuts .  . a little rosemary . oh . ive always wanted to use rosemary in something . mmm . mmm . mom , this gravy tastes better than gods sweat . thanks to our own spice girl , becky . well , mom , you really brought out the mung in these beans . actually , that was becky too . what are these things in the mashed potatoes .  . thats the skins . i left them on . well , nobodys perfect . let me just pick those out . no . oh , becky , your potatoes are the best ive ever had . oh , god . stop kicking my baby . oh , its cool . were just putting some jackie chan moves into barts video project . yeah , mom . i need something great . milhouse has footage of himself falling down the stairs . well , no kicking . its too dangerous . marge , chill out . i have great control . see .  . thats very impressive , but i still dont stop that . hello . hello .  . were jamming , mom . shes painting my music and im playing to her painting . isnt it wonderful to have a hip female influence in the house .  . yes . well , i guess ill go roll socks . its not hip , but it has to be done . actually , you could just tie them at the ends . that way the elastic doesnt wear out . yes . i hate when things get worn out . mmm , socks , welcomes . shes so helpful . and everyone loves her . and , well , this may sound crazy but i think my family likes becky more than me . i wouldnt worry about that . oh , really .  . yeah . youre gonna be dead in a week anyway . dead in a week .  . what are you talking about .  . look , honey . never let an attractive woman into your house . all they ever do is usurp your family and then kill you . like that documentary , the hand that rocks the cradle . that was a movie . look , all we know is shes going to shoot you , or stab you , or boil you . or club you with an antique wooden doll . oh , yeah . yeah , that was a good one . oh . but first , shes going to seduce your husband . beckys going to seduce homer .  . its an act of violence , not love . oh , im sorry . did i wake you .  . i wanted to return your hair dryer . oh , and heres your brush . you just enjoy your grocery shopping , marge . and if you pick up some semolina , i can make couscous for lisa . its my favorite . it is .  . oh , yeah . you can learn a lot from your kids if you just listen to em . be right back . take your time . why do i always think of the perfect thing to say when its too late .  . shut up , becky . oh , that would have been sweet . the brakes cutlight . hmm . its red . wow . tough glass . i still say ours is bigger . our speed bumps are stronger too . i dont know , simpson . how do i know you didnt cut your own brakes . why would i do that .  . i dont know . get some attention from a handsome police officer . thats crazy . look , i know i dont have any proof . but this woman is trying to kill me . fine . let me tell you what i tell everybody who comes in here . the law is powerless to help you . do i have to be dead before youll help me .  . well , not dead . dying . no , . dont walk away . how bout this .  . just show me the knife , in your back , not too deep but it should be able to stand by itself . come on , becky . tell us your big news . well , i wanted to wait for your mother , but okay . i found an apartment and im moving out . oh , no . becky , i think i speak for all of us when i say whens the ice cream gonna get here .  . and god said , gatherye two of every flavor . anoint them with sauces , whipped cream and nuts . and ye shall call it the ark . homer . relax . hes gorging . okay , maybe not . we gotta save him . usurper . usurper . usurper . dont mess with me . ive got jimmies . i can only see a horrible rainbow . shut up , becky . there , i finally said it . drop the cone , sugar . whoa . whoopsie . take her away , boys . i thought you said the law was powerless . yeah , powerless to help you , not punish you . mmm . earned my treat . this isnt over , becky . i know where you live . my house . poor maggie . how many insanity hearings have you been to in your short little life .  . mrs . simpson , before we begin i just want to assure you that this is not a trial . all right . its a trial . yes . now , marge , according to this , you recently went berserk in an ice cream parlor . yes . and , marge did you ever have an unhealthy fixation on ringo starr .  . it was healthy . he reciprocated . he reciprocated . mmm , please . road rage .  . excuse me . what are you doing .  . oh . i was just praying to god that youll find me sane . i see . and this god , is he in this room right now .  . oh , yes . hes kind of everywhere . mmm . mm mmm . marge simpson , you give us no choice but to declare you utterly  im not insane . you didnt let me finish . insane . im not insane . run , marge . run . pump those crazy legs . police say escaped mental patient marge simpson could be anywhere . even here at juggernauts where its wet t shirt month . whoo . but for now this reporter prays that mad marge can be captured before she kills again . kills again .  . she hasnt killed once . shouldnt we be out there trying to find her .  . dont worry . shell show up here sooner or later to finish off becky . then well have mommy back . come back . those are prescription pants . now , ralphie , what are you gonna do if you see mrs . simpson .  . freeze , you crazy mommy . that a boy . but you gotta aim a little higher . there you go . thats a kill shot . well , weve got a special guest . she just flew in from the cuckoos nest . and , boy , is she crazy . crazy marge simpson . look at that . hello , krusty . oh , thats funny . so , marge whos your favorite native american warrior .  . crazy horse . whoo , . all right . stop it . oh , this bits dying . lets go to the mad marge dancers . too soon . oh , i really miss mom . the kids are saying if you say bloody margie five times , shell appear . but then she gouges your eyes out . i hear she mates with men , then eats them . im sure if marge were here and not crazy , shed be telling you two to do your homework and you to finish washing the dog . now lets find out who this becky really is . hmm . i really should read the whole headline before i react . oh , my . ive been so unfair to becky . maybe i am insane . i mean , i am talking to myself . you are .  . oh , i thought id made a friend . becky , i want to apologize to  usurper . why , you little  cut . cut . mom , its great to have you back , but you walked right into my shot . shot .  . what are you  i hope we didnt scare you , marge . barts just filming a music video for his class project . and im directing the making of video . oh . well , then i guess theres a reasonable explanation for everything except you cutting my brakes . oh , about that . when i changed your oil i may have drained your brake fluid . i didnt say anything cause i thought youd be mad . oh , boy . my bad . becky , im so sorry i accused you of trying to kill me and steal my family . hey , no biggie . i was trying to steal your family . i even thought of a good place to bury you . then i didnt have a shovel , so i went to the hardware store . they have six different kinds . i was , like , later well , thats a relief , too , knowing im not crazy . so i guess everything really worked out for the  mom . you monsters . you killed her . no , they didnt . god . we put enough tranquilizers in there to take down jonathan winters . oh , ive got too much to do to take a nap right now . lisa , get maggie out of that cage . and , homer , since youre dressed for it i got some s m for ya  scrubbing and mopping . thank you . shh . springfield . the simpsons they were the first family of american laughter surfing a tidal wave of hilarity look at her vacuum . onto the sands of superstar bay . but behind the chortles , this funny five some was trapped in a private hell . everybody wanted a piece of us . they told us what to wear how to dress , which clothes we should put on . the cops found me driving on the sidewalk . i had no business hosting the oscars . after the show , meryl streep spit on me . tonight the simpsons , as youve never seen them before on behind the laughter . the simpsons amazing journey began here in the bustling heartland town of springfield . on this unassuming street , two nobodies named homer and marge simpson settled down to raise a family . first came baby bart . then , lisa simpson . and finally , maggie . eh . nobody told us how tough it is to raise kids . they almost drove me to fortified wine . then we figured out we could park them in front of the tv . thats how i was raised , and i turned out tv . id see em sitting on that couch all day long just staring at that hollywood hogwash . our favorite show was hollywood hogwash , but we also loved the dreck squad . the malarkeys , dumbin it down . sheriff lowbrow . home improvement . but we never saw people like us on tv . tv families were always hugging and tackling issues . homer kept saying he could do a more realistic family show . finally , i said , so do it . either or get off the pot . and he did . using his home as the studio and his family as the cast this penniless peckinpah shot a crude five minute video . my funny family , take one . and action . honey , i m home . the boss is coming to dinner , and i need a clean shirt . i havent done the laundry yet . mamma mia . now ill have to do it . dad , thats too much detergent . not now . im busy turning on this washing machine . simpson . wheres my dinner .  . mamma mia . it was amazing how fast dad betrayed his vision of a realistic show . okay , the material was a little corny . but homer and i had real chemistry on screen . every day i thought about firing marge . you know , just to shake things up . homer didnt fire marge , but he did shake things up  show business things . doh . he tried to show his demo tape to the major networks but couldnt get past the guards . fortunately , i had a network connection . the man who cut my hair was also president of fox . the simpsons had their foot in the door . fox ordered episodes . but would the public respond . m e . okay . r u . youre almost there . good . well , shake it up , baby shake it up , baby twist and shout , twist and shout i first knew the show was a hit when i walked into school and a kid was wearing a bart simpson t shirt . fox had an endless supply of clever slogans , man . suddenly i was invited to every birthday party . sometimes id have to read the cake just to know who i was singing to . the simpsons was a smash . viewers couldnt get enough of the shows fractured take on the modern family . the funniest stuff came right out of real life . son , lets go out for frosty chocolate milk shakes . cowabunga , dude . and cut . dad , ive never said cowabunga in my life . your script sucks . why , you little  hey , thats funny . and that horrible act of child abuse became one of our most beloved running gags . with simpson merchandise selling like crazy and simpson gin wetting whistles worldwide , the money was pouring in . we were using bills as toilet paper and toilet paper as dog toilet paper . mmm . ah . convinced that the good times would never stop rolling the simpsons moved out of their trademark house and into m . c . hammers . mm . we found a secret room that was filled to the ceiling with parachute pants . im wearing some now . but pants or no pants the simpsons were flying high . yeah , ive seen all the overnight sensations  brad hall , rich hall , rich little , richard  but the simpsons blew em all away . they even had a hit record . meanwhile , krustophenia sits on the shelf . none of us had ever sung before , but mr . geffen believed in us . were gonna groove tonight well make you feel all right simpsons boogie simpsons boogie lovely to love your lovin and simpsons christmas boogie went mega platinum and swept the grammys . right . and the award for best hard core thrash metal goes to simpsons christmas boogie . simpsons christmas boogie for americas favorite family , everything was coming up roses . but those roses contained ready to bees . when we come back  i want to set the record straight . i thought the cop was a prostitute . when behind the laughter continues . byte end of their first season the simpsons were burning up nielsen boxes in the u . s and creating a sensation overseas . hello , mr . lobster . doh . oh , dear . bathtubs of money , wheel barrows of awards fire hoses of respect  the simpsons had it all . hmm . but behind the streamers and confetti storm clouds were gathering . figurative storm clouds . oh , homer was spending money like a teenage arab . he bought me a rolex and cashmere jeans . i felt kinda guilty cause i was always tryin to score with his wife . so when do we start filming .  . oh . even bart was throwin dough around . he paid me and carl a thousand bucks to kiss each other . hey , did we ever get that money .  . but reckless spending and interracial homoeroticism were just volume one of the encyclopedia self destructica . even more harrowing were the events of one april afternoon . the script originally called for me to jump the gorge . but id been up all night paying people to kiss , so dad volunteered to do the stunt . everything was going great at first . i felt like i was king of the world . im king of the world . whoo hoo . whoo hoo . right about here i realize somethings wrong . yep . there i go . then came the rocks jagged hitting me with their jags . the sequence became an instant comedy classic . but what the audience didnt see was the unfunny aftermath . mmm . somehow , homer became addicted to painkillers . it was the only way he could perform the bone cracking physical comedy ow . my leg . that made him a star . this is the worst pain ever . ow . stop pummeling me . its really painful . why did i take such punishment .  . lets just say that fame was like a drug . what was even more like a drug was the drugs . but despite their mounting problems the simpsons star continued to rise , like a plastic bag caught in an updraft . it was such an honor to be on the walk of fame . i mean , there we were with hollywood royalty like milton berle and nelson mandela . and just a few stars down from the cheerios honeybee . awards and honors are great , but they dont pay the pickle man . we were earning millions , but we were always strapped for cash . one time , lisa bought a first edition of susan b . anthony man . her check bounced higher than rubber girl . where did the money go . marge lost much of the family fortune investing in birth control products . i learned something . when people reach for their diaphragm they dont want to see my picture . as the simpsons money dwindled , their expenses soared . from the original group of five , the cast ballooned to dozens then hundreds . i d never acted before in my life , but , uh if the sea captain could be in the show , why not me . i ve even got a catchphrase . nyah . whaa . whaa , . now i lost it . then , another bombshell . an anonymous tipster alerted uncle sam that the simpsons were evading their income taxes . yes , i finked on homer , but , you know , he deserved it . never have i seen such abuse of the take a penny , leave a penny tray . the tax men were merciless . hey . oh . hey . they cant take our house . my potbellied pig is in there . ah , mr . porky . no . inevitably , the behind the turmoil took its toll on their tv series . and action . hold on . cut . oh , for crying out loud . oh , man . oh . bart , if its not too much trouble  fine . ill do teen wolf . ive got fair weather friends to feed . dad , i want to go to bed . arent there child labor laws .  . who told you about those laws .  . was it marge .  . hey , youve been riding me all day . why dont you poop in your hat .  . are you going to need us tonight .  . i have ballet tickets  not that theyll do much good now . with the family in disarray , episodes increasingly resorted to gimmicky premises and nonsensical plots . i m an impostor . that man is the real seymour skinner . trendy guest stars were shamelessly trotted out to grab ratings . if you are looking for trouble , youve found it . just try me , you  oh . but there were bigger problems off screen . after judging a miss hawaiian tropic beauty contest at the sheraton halia kalua lea bart created a ruckus on a hawaiian airline jet attacking several flight attendants . while he was in rehab , the part of bart simpson was played by his good friend richie rich . bart , what do you mean you have jury duty .  . dont have a cow , mother . fans reacted to these slapdash episodes with yawns . angry yawns . desperate to polish their tarnished image , the family agreed to a live appearance at the iowa state fair . right from the start i had a bad feeling about that gig . it was an evening none of them would ever forget . or would they . no . hello , iowa . does anyone have a doughnut .  . now , homer , this is no time to be thinking about food . yeah , forget the doughnuts . were here to go nuts . musically , that is . what kind of song should we play .  . something that swings with the beat of new orleans . no . something that rocks . thats the sound of today . swings . rocks . swings . swings . rocks . rocks . sadly , this argument was not part of the act . ill kill you . you dont have the guts , little man . folks , were just having a little family tiff . if youll just bear with us  oh , shut up . always trying to act so mature . im glad you make the least money . oh , thats it . hey , stop it . stop it . you  let go of me . before a riot could break out jimmy carter came to the rescue with his comedy break dancing . got a brother named billy and my teeth look silly break it down now whoa . whoa . come on , you . ill get  the dream was over . coming up was the dream really over . yes , it was . or was it . and homer finds a new passion dusting and polishing mixing boards . when behind the laughter continues . the simpsons tv show started out on a wing and a prayer . but now the wing was on fire , and the prayer had been answered  by satan . after the state fair fiasco , none of the family were speaking to each other . fox put the show on hiatus and replaced it with hidden camera footage from the dressing room at ann taylor . that slugfest at the state fair was really a blessing . it gave us a chance to pursue solo projects . i returned to my first love  the legitimate theater . as a young female artist i really love living in this east village loft . oh . that must be our new landlord mr . stingley . where is the rent i must have the rent dollars , dimes and nickels i need them all right now i literally chewed the scenery . the other family members were also spreading their creative wings . bart replaced lorenzo lamas in the syndicated action series renegade . i f esposito thinks hes gonna muscle us , hes wrong . i hear that , renegade . lets do this thing . marge put together a nightclub act . i shot the sheriff but i did not shoot the deputy she didnt do it she didnt do it so the next time you see a sheriff , shoot him . a smile . good night , laughlin . she didnt do it she didnt do it lisa sang too  in a tell all book blasting the family . to prolong the run of the series i was secretly given anti growth hormones . thats ridiculous . how could i even get all five necessary drops into her cereal .  . what .  . in that family , nobody trusted nobody . they even brought their lawyers to thanksgiving dinner . so , uh , hows everybody doing .  . you dont have to answer that . shut up , all of you , or ill sue . oh , save it for your next book , you little snitch . thats assault . that is assault . it was the best thanksgiving ever . i mean , emotionally it was terrible , but the turkey was so moist . the carcass of the simpsons empire had been picked clean . but then came help from an unexpected source . i knew there was only one person who could reunite this troubled clan  my old fraternity brother willie nelson . id do anything for keg meisterjulius . so i cooked up a phony awards show . not again . time saver , my ass . when willie asked me to be a presenter at the new awareness awards i had to think about it  for about a microsecond . you just dont say no to the red headed stranger . and when i heard it was for awareness , that sealed the deal . would willies fence mending eggs bear fruit . or would his olive branch be torn apart by woodpeckers of mistrust . that night , fate wore a cummerbund of suspense . thank you , taco , for that loving tribute to falco . and now , to present the award for most violent rap group , homer simpson . hi . and marge simpson . what .  . whats she doing here .  . and bart and lisa simpson . hey . whats going on .  . well , ill be honest . the new awareness awards are all an elaborate sham . what .  . i knew it was too good to be true . so this whole thing was just a trick to get us back together .  . well , im also trying to patch things up between van halen and sammy hagar . hmm . but the main thing is for you folks to stop this silly feud . isnt that right , people .  . hug . hug . hug . hug . hug . hug . hug . hug . hug . hug . hug . hug . hug . hug . the simpsons bitter past was forgotten . and now the future looks brighter than ever for this northern kentucky family we put all the craziness behind us . and now its time to get back to what matters  the show . and the sunday comic strip . which homer writes himself . so you know its great . why , you little  so , whether choking their son or poking some fun the simpsons will keep on gagging for years to come . i cant believe it . we won another contest . the simpsons are going to delaware . i want to see wilmington . i want to visit a screen door factory . this will be the last season . next week on behind the laughter . huckleberry hound . i was so gay . but i couldnt tell anyone . were gonna groove tonight well make you feel all right simpsons christmas boogie were dancing to the beat well make you move your feet simpsons christmas boogie simpsons christmas boogie simpsons christmas boogie shh . springfield . ha ha . look , dad . theyve got every kind of paper . loose leaf, , graph , unlined  college ruled . cant you just write on your arm like i do . all youre getting is rubber bands and paper clips . dont you need a notebook or something . nah . these days , everythings done on computers . and staplers . computers and staplers . krustys speak and say . s is for shiksa . s h mmm  i think theres a t in there somewhere . ah , look it up . lisa . stay cool , milly . oh . hi , lisa . did you have a nice summer . dont you hate that we have to go back to stupid school tomorrow . i like school . me too . we have so much in common . you have a pen glued to your cowlick . if you dont like it , its gone . uh , you want this . no . yo , apu , give me the usual . yes , sir . one kwik e dog , one bubble gum cigar and the latest issue of success magazine . hey , this hot dog tastes different . yes . i just cleaned out the machine , sir . so the snack you are enjoying has not been soaking in putrid grease . well , yeah . but without the grease all you can taste is the hog anus . im so sorry , but i sold it all to the rendering plant . people buy grease . oh , yes . they use it to make products such as soap , cosmetics , baby food . used grease is worth money . then my arteries are clogged with yellow gold . im rich , apu . rich and  money in the bank . okay , this bacons done . and now for the profit taking . uh , dad , i dont think the dog can handle any more bacon . looks like hes about ready for another squeezin homer . that side of bacon was for my bridge game tonight . marge , if you dont mind , im a little busy right now achieving financial independence . with cans of grease . no . through savings and wise investments . of course with grease . come on , bart . the bus is here . where do you think youre going . its the first day of school . not for you it isnt . youre in the grease business now . then the doctor told me that both my eyes were lazy . and thats why it was the best summer ever . thank you , ralph . now take your seat . hey , blindy , have a nice trip .  . ha ha .  . skinner on p . a . attention , please . i need a volunteer for a thankless chore . shall i assume the only hand in the air is lisa simpsons . thank you , lisa . we have a new student , lisa , and i want you to show her the works  the lunchroom , the tree . but when you get to the trophy case , give her some cock and story . theyre out for cleaning or whatever . dont worry . ill help her out . i remember how hard it was to be an outsider , always trying to fit in , never quite feeling like  lisa , id like you to meet alex whitney . your names lisa . shut up . i love that name . did she just tell me to shut up . take it outside . youll want a locker in this hallway . its library adjacent . is that perfume . oh . dont be such a phoebe . its pretension by calvin klein . wanna try some . mm mmm . okay . so whats the haps in springfield . what do you guys , like , do for fun . well , youll definitely wanna get yourself a good doll . the new malibu stacy has an achievable chest . dolls . really . okay , what else you got . oh . jacks . jacks are big . they went out for a while , but then they came roaring back . oh , you mean that game with the little rubber ball . oh , dont worry . youll pick it up fast . once you get to foursies , youre in the zone . uh huh . isnt that trophy case supposed to have trophies . uh , they were all wiped out in the big trophy fire . ah . i see the trophies are still out for cleaning , eh , lisa . okay , boy , this is where all the hard work sacrifice and painful scaldings pay off . four pounds of grease . that comes to cents . whoo hoo . dad , all that bacon cost . yeah , but your mom paid for that . but doesnt she get her money from you . and i get my money from grease . whats the problem . wow . look at that load of grease . boy , if were ever gonna earn paper money , we have to expand our operation . um , i dont know how much more school i can miss . oh , youll miss plenty . i have a feeling this business is going to consume our whole lives . alex , over here . okay if the new girl sits with us . oh . okay , i guess . shes a little weird . but lets give her a chance . guys , this is alex . oh , twins . which one is the evil one . okay , ill go get our lunches . so , alex  a sec . hello . oh , yeah . like id be seen with a discover card . you have a cell phone . and a purse . thats it . dont be shy . now maybe a littlejoke to break the ice . or a big joke . careful now . nobody likes a show off . where are they going . hey , wait up .  . they left without me . oh , lisa . ive got an extra seat , and youve got an extra lunch . catch my drift . milhouse , lower those eyebrows . and the other one . so there i am being nice to alex and she takes all of my friends and ditches me . im sure they didnt ditch you , honey . maybe they went off to plan a surprise party for you . oh , yeah . good one , mom . they only like her cause she acts so grown up with her perfume and her cell phone and  oh , and get this , mom . she drinks iced tea . lisa , i cant imagine anyone being more likable than you . but , apparently , this new girl is . so my advice would be to start copying her in every way . but , dad  uh uh . think . is that what alex would say . oh , there you are . listen , im sorry i ran out on you yesterday but the girls couldnt wait to show me that tree . oh , dont give it a second thought . i didnt . anyway , i got you a little present . oh , earrings . wow . thank you so much , alex . oh . but these are for pierced ears . yeah . arent they great . alex did ours . yeah . all you need is a thumbtack and a whole lot of paper towels . uh , but i dont think im ready for pierced ears . well , maybe you can put them on your doll . kidding , lise . im sure youll be ready someday . oh , lisa . i was hoping i could count on you again to spearhead our annual school wide apple pick . absolutely . apple pick . yeah , its great . we have pony rides , sing alongs apple bobbing , apple picking , apple everything . you forgot apple bobbing . no , i didnt . didnt your old school have apple picks . no , we werent big on fruit . we were more into , like , dances . you know , things that are fun . a dance . great idea , alex . yeah . principal skinner , can we have a dance instead . well , weve never had a dance before . lisa , youd be doing all the work . what do you think . i dont know . the ponies might be startled by the loud music . well , there wouldnt be ponies . oh . then at the risk of being unpopular , i think im gonna have to say  school dance . i didnt approve any school dance . yes , you did . yesterday , right by my locker . oh , yeah . yes . um , carry on . oh . when you want grease , go to the source . good old krusty burger . oh , ill say . look at that redheaded kid . there must be worth of grease on his forehead alone . i was thinking more of the deep fryer . all right . well try it your way . can i help you , sir . my god , youre greasy . mr . maruko , help . moms gonna kill you . if she didnt want her car ruined , she should have done a better job hiding her keys . hey . what the  hey .  . hey .  . youre taking our grease .  . its our grease now . we run the grease racket in this town . hey , thats my shovel . we also run the shovel racket . okay , girls , were gonna need balloons , crepe paper , party hats . whoa . youve got a dingojunction here . i am not wearing this . oh , come on , lisa . its totally you . just , you know , add some accessories , lip gloss , maybe drop five pounds . arent we a little young for makeup and  what do you mean , five pounds . well , you want to look nice for your date . date . hello . for the dance . you guys have dates . hello . stop saying hello . okay , calm down , lisa . d . m . y . whats d . m . y .  . dont mess yourself . ew . yeah . thats why we changed it to d . m . y . dont worry , lisa . theres still plenty of time . youll get a date . i dont want a date . and i dont wanna wear perfume and cocktail dresses . am i the only one who just wants to play hopscotch and bake cookies and watch the mclaughlin group . hello . hello . oh . i cant believe those goons muscled me out of my grease business . ive been muscled out of everything ive ever done including my muscle for business . my poor homie . couldnt you try some other far out moneymaking scheme . ah , whats the point . you could raise some emus . emus . really . oh , thats pretty crazy . nah . id only fail just like i fail at everything . hey , dad , ive been thinking . what if instead of giving up on grease , we go for one last big score . wait a minute . the boys right . i cant quit now . aw . you always know just what to say to cheer me up . emu farm . youre priceless , marge . the thing about huckleberries is once youve had fresh , youll never go back to canned . uh  so anyway , i kicked the guys ass . now , if the berries are too tart i just dust em with confectioners sugar . oh . good secret . hey , guys . hi , lisa . are you all right . no doubt . cant a girl fabulize herself before the big dance . your earlobes bleeding . oh . so , i guess major muffins like yourselves all have dates , huh . youd better believe it . really . all of you . uh , we all have dates , lisa . everyone does . even me . unbelievable . whoa  another wedgie . uh huh . hang on . ill get my forceps . hurry . milhouse . oh . ive been looking all over for you . listen . youve always had a crush on me , right . well , this is your lucky day cause youre gonna take me to the dance . pretty great , huh . see ya . oh . but i cant . i already asked somebody . so un ask her . but that would  youre taking me . you got that . and its gonna be a magical evening . what am i doing . this isnt me . im sorry , milhouse . im free next weekend . theres plenty of milhouse to go around . all right , son . were about to embark on our most difficult mission . lets bow our heads in prayer . dear lord , i know youre busy seeing as how you can watch women changing clothes and all that . but if you help us steal this grease tonight i promise well donate half the profits to charity . dad , hes not stupid . all right , screw it . lets roll . mmm , i knew i shouldve attached those somehow . lucky parameciums . you dont have to worry about finding dates or dancing . oh . lisa , i made you some homemade pepsi for the dance . its a little thick , but the price is right . thanks , mom . but i told you , im not going . oh , so you dont have a date . you can still go and have a wonderful time . you dont understand . i dont belong there . the other girls are already into fashion and makeup and dating . they make me feel like a little baby . oh , honey . a baby couldnt have organized a big school dance unless it was especially skilled . or one of those super babies from brazil . forget it , mom . im not going . but theyre counting on you to take tickets . and if you sit there with a brave little smile and a festive bow why , you could be the belle of the ball . mom , you cant possibly believe that . i have to , honey . or you can stay here and well have our own dance . ill go . this better work , boy . i dont wanna wind up working on your mothers emu farm . dont worry . this is the score weve been dreaming about . the grease traps in this kitchen have never been emptied . okay , turn on the suction . its not working . whoa . what is it . uh , nothing . enjoy the dance . pop on p . a . wow , lisa . i really admire your guts . you came here all by yourself at the risk of being labeled a dateless wonder . ow . it slipped . its gonna be a long night . wheres the hose . bringing up the rear . oh . are you as excited as i am . oh , yeah . well , here goes . and now we wait . so , is this your school . well , it used to be . eek . i mean , ach . i mean , what are you doing here . uh , were new foreign exchange students from , uh , scotland . saints be praised . im from scotland . where do you hail from . uh , north kilt town . no fooling . im from north kilttown . do you know angus mccloud . wait a minute . theres no angus mccloud in north kilttown . why , youre not from scotland at all . ah , dont be daft . i was born in  hey , what the  my retirement grease .  . no .  . ya thievin grease bandits . ill kill ya . wait up . not so fast , boyo . hell , if it was up to me , id let you go . but the lads have a temper , and theyve been drinkin all day . ow . ow . ow . stop pummeling me . its really painful . all right , fine . ill strangle ya for a while . lisa , i have to run home . i need you to keep an eye on the dance . oh , i dont wanna go in there with all the happy dancing couples . normally , i wouldnt ask . but its an emergency . mother has a june bug cornered in the basement , and she needs me to finish it off . come on . chop chop . all right . all right . d . m . y . i know what that means , young lady . huh . oh , lisa , its terrible . okay . this dance has gone titanic . what happened . well , the boys and girls are , like , afraid of each other . theyre acting like a bunch of  kids . i know . what is up with that . its because they are kids , and so are we . come on , alex . weve only got nine , maybe years tops where we can giggle in church and chew with our mouths open and go days without bathing . well never have that freedom again . hmm . listen , you can giggle and stink all you want . but i have a credit card , so  on you . uh , guys . guys . the hose . bart , please . the groundskeeper and i are trying to settle this like adults . hmm . huh . look , its snowing . ah . the snowflake tastes like fish sticks . its like a hamburger milk shake . here comes a grease ball . hey , luigi bring you kids free pizza . why you have to make the fun . huh . thats my grease . its mine . give it here . youre playing in grease . yarg . oh , act your age . oh . you are so dead . ow .  . there was bacon in that . shh . springfield . scuse me . pardon me . scuse me . hmm . hey . hey , springfield . if youre drivingyou , may wanna sit down . uh oh . because its time for bill and martys news flush . our topless story  president clinton has launched a new web site . uh oh . wait . let me guess . www dot  dot  web site . okay , heres another news flush . doctors say the life expectancy of the average man is now . years . ive wasted half my life . half my life gone and im only guaranteed marge , ive wasted half my life . sir , do you need a tow truck . what are you talking about , marge . i dont need a  okay , send a truck . oh . hmm . oh , honey . dont eat that . wouldnt you rather have your sugar bag . no , i dont deserve sugar . im halfway to my grave , and i havent accomplished anything . oh , i am not looking forward to my funeral . no , homer wasnt a great man nor even an adequate man , and he certainly never accomplished anything . uh , president lenny , you have anything to say . nah . all right . fair enough . toss im in the hole , boys . there goes a real sack of crap . indubitably , old chum . marge no matter what happens in the future , promise me you wont vote for lenny . okay , but youve accomplished a lot . youve made me very happy . oh , yeah . theyll put me on a stamp for that . ive wasted half my life , marge . you know how many memories i have . three . standing in line for a movie having a key made and sitting here talking to you . thirty eight years and thats all i have to show for it . youre . hi , dad . how was work . cold . come on . lets get you into your favorite shirt . surprise . oh . i see youre having a party . ill come back later . you cant come back later because  homer simpson , welcome to your life . to your life . the kids and i wanna show you all the great things youve done . oh , all right . maybe i can pinpoint where my life went wrong . quiet , dad , or well have to throw you out of here . the pictures . theyre coming alive . there you are in outer space . thats pretty impressive . ah . all we did was grow some space tomatoes and sabotage mir . member when you almost became heavyweight champ . no . finish him . finish him . well , theres certainly no greater accomplishment than fathering three beautiful children . hike . oh , i shouldve punted . turn it off . turn it off . hang on , dad . this next part will definitely make you feel better about yourself . hello , homer . its me , kitt , from tvs knight rider . your family has asked me to take time out from my busy schedule to invite you to a very special  stupid movies . who invented these dumb things anyway . was it you , bart . it was thomas edison , dad . i thought he invented the lightbulb . that too . he also invented the phonograph , the microphone and the electric car . no one man can do all that . youre a liar , honey  a dirty , rotten liar . finish her . finish her . its true . i read it on a place mat at a restaurant . really . a restaurant . well , now i dont know what to think . go .  . go .  . go .  . go .  . go .  . go .  . go . go . go . top of the world , ma . cut it out , boy . dad , what are you doin here . readin about this edison character . they wont let me in the big people library downtown . there was some unpleasantness . i can never go back . oh . look at all the inventions edison came up with . the stock ticker the storage battery even wax paper . and look at him dance . thats great , dad . and these hardy boys books are great too . this ones about smugglers . theyre all about smugglers . no , not this one the smugglers of pirate cove . its about pirates . scuse me . are you a student at this school . i think its pretty obvious that i am . go school . so , this broad stands up in the ocean and this big wave knocks her bathing suit off . oh , yeah . and then what happened . omit no detail , however small or filthy . so anyway , and this is the part youll remember for the rest of your lives  yeah , . great story , lenny . but heres one thats even more spellbinding . once upon a time , there was a man named thomas edison and he invented the dictating machine and the fluoroscope and the repeating telegraph . and he was a firm believer in fletcherism and he played the organ and his favorite flower was the heliotrope . oh , and his middle name was alva and he never , ever , wore pajamas . okay . i think weve been polite long enough here . lenny , what happened with the dame in the bathing suit . huh . oh . uh  oh , nuts . i forgot . all i can think of now is edison . i cant even remember where i work . well , i remember where edison worked . it was menlo park . thats where he came up with the tasimeter , the ore separator and  uhjames , watt invented the steam engine . thats boring . youre boring everybody . quit boring everyone . and then he worked on a machine to communicate with the dead . some kind of scary telephone , i guess . maybe he planned to stick his head under the ground and yell . all right already . everyone knows the man accomplished a lot . maybe because he didnt spend every waking moment talking about thomas edison . oh , thats where youre wrong , marge . he was a shameless self promoter . well , youre not thomas edison . marge , thats it . thats why i havent done anything with my life . i need to be more like thomas edison . whatever . and im starting right now . no more lousy pajamas . from this day forward , i am an inventor . do us a favor . invent yourself some underpants . ah . well , i quit my job just like you said to . i didnt tell you to quit your job . yes , you did . i remember your exact words . you said i should quit my job and become an inventor , or youd torch the house . that doesnt sound like me . well , i suppose if this doesnt work out , you can always go back to the plant . not the way i quit . whoo hoo . at my age , edison had already invented things . uh , i got a lot of work to do to catch up to him . lets see now . invention . invention . hmm . hmm . something electrical might be good . let me handle the creative end of this , marge . you dont understand how the creative mind works like i do . oh . you look at this table and what do you see . just a table . now a creative person like me looks at this table and sees all kinds of creative things , but no tables . homer , thats not a table . thats our dryer . my files . hmm . hmm . this isnt working . ive gotta try a different approach . hmm . hmm . hmm . hmm . you started smoking , dad . yes . thomas edison smoked several cigars a day . yeah , he invented stuff too . shut up . as long as youre here annoying me , lets have a brainstorming session . and heres how it works . lisa , you say one thing , then bart , you say another . just toss out things and ill use my inventive mind to combine them into a brilliant , original idea . okay . um  automatic  butt . okay . fluorescent  booger . mm hmm . yeah . wait a minute . these arent exciting new products . youre not even trying . okay , thats it . both of you go to your rooms and spank yourselves . lazy father . cant even spank his own kids . homer , you cant punish the children just because you cant come up with an idea . i dont see why not . theyre my kids . i own em . okay . we own em . hmm . i brought you a tuna sandwich . they say its brain food . i guess because theres so much dolphin in it and you know how smart they are . its no use . i cant work like this , cut off from the scientific community . you stay here and guard my sandwich . and these should give you the grounding youll need in thermodynamics , hypermathematics and , of course , microcalifragilistics . look , i just wanna know how to invent things . tell me . uh , all you have to do is think of things that people need but which dont exist yet . you mean like an electric blanket mobile . uh , well , possibl  or you could take something that already exists and find a new use for it . like  hamburger earmuffs . uh , well , i suppose that would qualify  thanks , sucker . all right . just stay calm , frinky . these babies will be in the stores while hes still grappling with the pickle matrix . okay . i have here the four greatest inventions in the history of mankind . first , my all purpose electric hammer for all your pounding needs . ow . probably needs to be more powerful . ill buy of those right now . now , heres my everythings okay alarm . this will sound every three seconds unless something isnt okay . turn that off , homer . it cant be turned off . but it , uh , does break easily . now this next ones for the ladies . how many times have you gals been late for a high powered business meeting only to realize youre not wearing makeup . thats every womans nightmare . thats why i invented this revolutionary makeup gun . its for the woman who only has four fifths of a second to get ready . close your eyes , marge . and now youre ready for a night on the town . homer , youve got it set on whore . uh , oop  okay . this time , try to keep your nostrils closed . oh , look what you did . now i have to go get my cold cream gun . dad , women wont like being shot in the face . women will like what i tell em to like . now heres something for everyone . in the olden times , if you were watching tv and nature called youd have to get up and walk to the bathroom . it was the hardest thing in the world to do . but now , with the lazy man reclining toilet chair you can just lean back and let er rip . you expect people to go to the bathroom in their living rooms . sure . believe me , every man in america will want to have one . gangway . gotta poop . no , bart . homer , all these inventions , theyre  yes . oh theyre not very  yes . yes . yes . theyre terrible . what . im not saying youre a bad inventor . im just saying these particular inventions are awful and no one in their right mind would buy them or accept them as gifts . but this is the best i could do . i guess im no better at being thomas edison than i was at being homer simpson . oh , dear . i hope i wasnt too rough on him . somebody had to tell him , mom . in the long run , its much kinder to  do you mind . all week , my lifelong dream was to be the next thomas edison but now its over . i guess ill just give up my hopes and dreams and settle for being a decent husband and father . homer . dad . huh . what happened . you didnt fall . oh , that . i stuck a couple extra legs on there cause i kept tipping over when i was trying to invent stuff . theyre on hinges . thats really ingenious , dad . it could save lives . really . you think its a good idea . oh , yeah . safety sells , especially to lame os . id buy one . me too . i did it . im gonna be rich . look , mr . edison . i did it . im an inventor . and i owe it all to you . see . its just a regular chair but i attached a couple of extra legs to the back kind of like the ones on the back of your  oh , damn it . hey , dad . heard you swearin . mind if i join in . crap , boobs , crap . i thought i had a great idea but i must have seen it on this poster . if edison thought of that chair , how come its not on this chart . its not . maybe he never told anyone about it . that chair might be the only one he made . so . so , weve got to go to the edison museum and smash it . then ill be an inventor . but i thought you loved edison . ah , the hell with him . yeah . hell , damn , fart . taking bart cross state lines . back soon . i took your wallet .  . oh , i just mopped that driveway . man , i cant wait to smash that chair . oh , son . youre young and headstrong just like thomas edison jr . you know , he started a mushroom farm and an auto parts company and he sold his good name to a quack medicine company . oh , and later he raised turkeys . that was on his turkey farm . hmm . mmm . mmm . stop , homer . by smashing my chair , youre only hurting yourself . ill get you , fat lunatic . uh oh . all right . the museums still open . why dont you like edison that much . hey , folks . do you like riddles . okay , then . how many geniuses does it take to invent a lightbulb . just one thomas edison . thats very good . and thats true too . its funny and true . now behind that door is edisons actual preserved brain . ordinarily , folks , tour groups are not allowed to see it and , of course , today will be no exception . now no tour would be complete without a visit to edisons boyhood gift shop . now lets take care of business . out of the way . this is one invention youre not getting credit for , you inspiration hog . your electric hammer , maestro . invent your way out of this , edison . hmm . hmm . look , son . edison was just like me . you mean the wild mood swings . no . we both lived in another mans shadow . this old timey nerd and i have suffered the same frustration and heartache . were not rivals . were just a couple of dreamers who set the bar a little too high . i cant destroy your work , my friend . can i . no , but well stop off at the da vinci museum on the way home . uh , i think thats in italy , dad . oh . well , then well take it out on eli whitney . authorities say the phony pope can be recognized by his high top sneakers and incredibly foul mouth . in other news , thomas edison , the greatest inventor of all time  is apparently still inventing despite the notable handicap of being dead . thats my tommy . two new edison creations have just been discovered in his museum . a six legged chair that wont tip over  and even more astounding , an electric hammer . that was your idea . this brilliant innovation is expected to generate millions for edisons already wealthy heirs . dad , those should be your millions . i gotta admit , homer . youre takin this pretty well . lets just say im sitting in the right chair . shh . springfield . mail call .  . gather round , everyone .  . all right , one for resident . thats me . well , thats it . one stinkin letter . whyd you make us gather round like that . i needed my power fix . hey , listen to this . congratulations . your child , or children , have been selected to appear in whos who among american elementary school students . please submit their names along with for each handsome volume you wish to order . oh , ive never been so proud . you both deserve a big , reward . mom , they put every kid in america in that book just so gullible parents will buy it . its all a big scam . shut up . are you sure . i can usually smell a scam from two towns over . yeah , lise . she is a smart , sophisticated woman . now , lets hear more about that big , reward . yeah , quit stalling , marge . we want our reward . one reward coming up . ta da .  . yea . way to go . all right . man , it feels good to get out of that car . oh . go karts . come on , everybody . lets go . look at me , bart . im driving . were all proud of you , dad . move it , pokey . slow and steady wins the race . easy , . stick with the plan . whoa . uh , are you all right , man . uh , i think so . how about now . ha ha . that was no accident . shame on you , nelson . cram it , maam . stand back and watch the pro . shouldnt you put on a batting helmet . nah . they mess up my hair . oh . ball one . ball two . this bozos gonna walk me . hey . youre goin down , you  why , you aah . hey , you  you better aah . im gonna aah . if you do  doh . hang in there , dad . just half a basket left . hang in there , dad . just half a basket left . hmm . yes .  . a maggie oop .  . mm hmm . hey , thats cheating . hmm . okay , what can i get for count em  prize tickets . two thumbtacks and a mustache comb . or five rubber bands and an ice cube . what can i get for tickets . a bb gun or an easy bake oven . hmm . hot food is tempting . but i just cant say no to a weapon . whoa . can i try that sometime . yeah , sure . never hurts to have a second set of prints on a gun . wow , thanks , nelson . ill come by your house later . oh , no , you wont . you stay away from nelson muntz . but , mom  nelsons a troubled , lonely , sad little boy . he needs to be isolated from everyone . but , mom  yes . thats all i got . so , what prize did you end up getting . mustache comb . whatd you get . fake mustache . wanna comb it . this sucks . time to punch out of this yawn factory . im going to nelsons . but mom said not to . she doesnt scare me . i do what i want when i want . oh , god . inchworms . wont you get in trouble if your mom sees you doing that . nah . my moms got bigger problems . she doesnt give a crap what i do . wow , you are so lucky . come on . lets lock and load . youre not going out without a scarf , are ya . nah , i dont need one . hmm . its your health . think i can hit that bottle . yeah , probably . shows what you know . hey , check this out . thats my dads shootin car . just three more payments and its ours . oh , cool . can i get a shot now . hang on . first , how about i try and peg you in the stomach . mmm , no , thanks . or what about you put on these nerd glasses and i shoot em off . no way . come on . quit hoggin the gun . bet you cant hit that bird . are you crazy . i dont want to shoot a stupid bird . thats cause you know you cant . youre not a superstud like me . am too . are not . youre an octo wussy . whoa , look at me . im bart simpson . im scared to use a gun . i want to marry milhouse . i walk around like this  la hey , quit it . hmm . oh , my god . whoa . major shot . you even compensated for the crooked sight . crooked sight . you are one cold blooded killer , dude . but  i wasnt  i didnt  right through the neck . doesnt get any sweeter than that , simpson . savor the moment . i rolled up all the socks . whats next . while i deal with this , why dont you start on that basket . all right . ohh . i hate folding sheets . thats your underwear . well , whatever it is , its a two man job . wheres bart . hes up in his room . bart . its okay , marge . ill get him . bart . what the hecks going on . we need bart to help fold your fathers underpants . where is he anyway . bart . uh , he went to play with a friend . he didnt go to nelsons , did he . no , . im pretty sure hes with milhouse . milhouse . what . tell bart to come home . i think hes at nelsons .  . whos nelson . nelson . i explicitly forbade bart from playing with that little monster . oh , bart is in deep , trouble . oh , yes , and punish lisa for lying to us . all right , young lady . march yourself directly to the kwik e and get me some chips and a beer . get a little somethin for yourself , sweetheart . shall we bury it or chuck it into a car full of girls . hey , leave it alone . okay , . dont kill me , killer . dont call me that . relax , simpson . it was either him or you . no court would convict you . bart simpson , do you know why you have been summoned before this tribunal . yes , sir . because i killed an innocent bird . dear lord . we just wanted you to put fresh newspaper on the tribunal floor . were knee deep in our own droppings . its disgusting . but since youve confessed to birdslaughter , we have no choice but to peck your face off . no . not the face . oww . what are you doing . i got bored , so i started slapping you . uh oh . young man , youre coming home with me this minute . all right . finally , a real home . not you . bart . oh . see ya later , killer . killer . why did he call you killer . mom , you were right . nelson is bad news . can we go home . what are you hiding there . nothing . what are those cats doing behind you . uh , cats like me . get  off . get off . bart . did you kill that poor bird . i didnt mean to , mom . the gun pulled to the left  you disobeyed me , snuck over here and murdered a helpless animal . i know . i really screwed up . i deserve to be punished . whats the point , bart . i punish and i punish and i punish , but it never sinks in . so you know what . do what you want . you wanna play with little hoodlums . fine . have fun killing things . mom , wait . oh , my god . hi , little eggs . im not sure how to tell you this , but your mom was involved in an incident . mistakes were made by me . but dont worry . ill take care of you . hi , im troy mcclure . you may remember me from such nature films as earwigs  eew .  .  .  . and man vs . nature  the road to victory . in all the animal kingdom , no mother is more devoted than the blue jay . valuing her eggs above even her own life the mother bird bravely fights off such fearsome predators as the badger and the mongoose . of course , one thing mother blue jay cant defend against is a set of steel tongs . eggs . precious eggs . if theyre to survive , they require the gentle warmth and tender love that only a mother can provide . or better yet , a bulb . oh , hello . in a few days our eggs will hatch into nestlings , like these over here . they look awfully hungry , mr . mcclure . they sure are , billy . in nature , their mother would regurgitate food for them to eat . thats gross . it sure is , billy . it sure is . youve checked this bible out every weekend for the last nine years . wouldnt it be easier to just buy one . perhaps on a librarians salary . hey , fellas , good news . i found an extra bulb lying around . doh . check it out , guys . ive been working on this regurgitation thing . oh , yeah . hope you like pop tarts . i think ill call you chirpy boy . and you , bartjunior . and you can call me mother . no , wait , that sounds kinda fruity . just call me mom . doh . what do you think hes doing up there . i dont know . drug lab . drug lab . or reading comic books . what am i , kreskin . you tell me what hes doing . i dont know , and i dont want to know . and im going to find out . oh . my good gray extension cord . oh , no . gotta keep these warm . bart , stop whatever youre doing and come down here . cant right now . come back later . oh , ill come back later . hows this for later . mom , listen  why are you sitting like that . what are you hiding this time . eggs . that bird i killed was their mother . i dont want her babies to die too . ohh  oh , honey . oh , come here . oh , my goodness . look . oh , man . this is the most exciting thing ive seen since halleys comet collided with the moon . that never happened , dad . sure it didnt . is the nest still warm enough , mom . hmm . its starting to cool down . ill bake another pie . oh , how about cherry this time . and would it kill you to make some coffee . why is this taking so long . bart was born in about five minutes . actually , it took hours . really . well , the time just flew by , didnt it . everybody come quick . theyre hatching . hmm . i see a foot . i see an eye . i see a neck . i see a horn . a horn . man , those are some funky lookinbirds .  . oh . you look like a little tiny dinosaur . oww . that is one vicious baby bird . dad , they arent birds . sure , they are . they came from eggs in a birds nest , therefore theyre birds . ickso fatso . one  they dont have beaks . two  they dont have feathers . and three  theyre lizards . youre a lizard . enough bickering . i know how to settle this . no kickboxing . ohh . if anybody wants me , ill be eating alone in the basement . doh . now , uh , people , theres been some confusion about our bird sighting rules . you cannot count birds that youve seen at the zoo , on stamps or in dreams . well , im back to square one . mmm . my god . a pigeon . thats the last bird on my list . so long , suckers . excuse me . can you tell us what kind of birds these are . they hatched from eggs i found in a nest . good heavens . im very glad you brought those in , bart . ill just get those killed and you can be on your way . wait . what the heck are you doing . my civic duty , thats what . bolivian tree lizard . mm hmm . its a vicious ovoraptor . it feasts on bird eggs and lays its own eggs in the nest . the unsuspecting mother bird cares for them until the babies hatch and devour her too . what a chump . its already wiped out the dodo , the cuckoo and the ne ne and it has nasty plans for the booby , the titmouse , the woodcock and the titpecker . how vile . the one thing that mystifies me is how a bolivian lizard made it to springfield . that is a puzzlement . ah . mmm . mmm . look , skinner , we havent got all day . kill the horrid beasts . then do away with their lizards . no , dont hurt them . ill just keep em as pets . no , they might escape and breed . the law is very clear on this . they must be exterminated as quickly and gruesomely as possible . no . theyre mine . im sure we can work this out . hes just a child . let me talk to him . ill give you a moment . thatll give us time to prepare for the splatter . bart , im sorry , but theres nothing we can do . your lizards are banned by federal law . everyone thinks theyre monsters . but i raised them and i love them . i know thats hard to understand . mmm . not as hard as you think . run for it . really . okay , thats exactly one moment . and  oh , my god . hes getting away . stop him . out of the way , midge . oh , am i in the way . yes , youre in the way . are you daft , woman . sorry . i didnt realize i was in the way . youre still in the way . you dont seem to be moving at all . oh , for cryin out loud , just knock her ass down . way to shove , edna . let us roll . guys , is it really true . are you cold blooded egg murderers . dont use that look on me . i invented that look . there he is , off in the distance . hes getting away .  . okay , bart . this is where it ends . relinquish the lizards . i said relinquish . aah . oh . oh , no . you killed em . good riddance to bad lizards . hmm . hey . whoa . look at em . go , chirpy boy . go , bartjunior . oh , nuts . wow . did you know they had those webbed flaps for gliding . yes . but i was hoping they didnt know that . well , i hope youre happy , bart . you have no idea what kind of plague youve unleashed upon this town . our top story the population of parasitic tree lizards has exploded and local citizens couldnt be happier . it seems the rapacious reptiles have developed a taste for the common pigeon also known as the feathered rat , or gutterbird . for the first time , citizens need not fear harassment by flocks of chattering disease bags . for decimating our pigeon population and making springfield a less oppressive place to while away our worthless lives i present you with this scented candle . yeah . all right . well , i was wrong . the lizards are a godsend . but isnt that a bit shortsighted . what happens when were overrun by lizards . no problem . we simply unleash wave after wave of chinese needle snakes . theyll wipe out the lizards . but arent the snakes even worse . yes , but were prepared for that . weve lined up a fabulous type of gorilla that thrives on snake meat . then were stuck with gorillas . no , thats the beautiful part . when wintertime rolls around , the gorillas simply freeze to death . hmm . im proud of you , boy . mmm . loganberry . i dont get it , bart . you got all upset when you killed one bird but now youve killed tens of thousands and it doesnt bother you at all . hey , youre right . i call the front seat . you had it on the way over . hey . out of my way .  . oww .  . shh . springfield . i dont get it . they should be here by now . ah , what are you gonna do . hmm . good lines , nice balance . lets see how she handles . oh , yeah . tame it , baby . yo , ring her up , dude . you cannot smoke in here . please , the sign is clearly posted , sir . oh , god . you smokers disgust me . hey , pu , you got a breakfast cereal for people with syphilis . hands up , scuzbag . no , not you . the smoking scuzbag . oh , chill out , dude . ill pay the fine . not this time , you wont . this is your third strike . first , you torched that orphanage , then you blew up that bus full of nuns . hey , that was self defense . well , youll be seeing lots of nuns where youre going , pal  hell . because the penalty for strike three is death . oh , youll never make it stick , dude . will too , cause this place is full of witnesses . apu , that scuzbag mo . im not going to forget this , dudes . im going to totally kill both of you . and dont forget bart simpson . hes a witness too . right , barty . oh . oh , you are so dead , little dude . thanks a lot , chief . you kids crack me up . hi . im ed mcmahon . tonight on fox from the producers of when skirts fall off and secrets of national security revealed its worlds deadliest executions . making his first appearance on our show he e snake . thank you , chickie pies . the chair . aw . how come they only do crucifixions during sweeps . snake played lacrosse at ball state university . so long , snake . youll never harm another person with secondhand smoke . dude . hey oh . all right . now lets get this carcass over to the hospital and carve it up for organs . dibs on the liver . whoo hoo . marge , they found a donor . im saved . boy , youre getting this transplant just in time , homer . this is genuine human hair . this is legal , right . yeah , sure . whatever . these drugs will make the operation seem like a beautiful dream . ahh . hi , everybody . who wants to see their sexy new daddy . whoa . oh , dad .  . whoa . wow . if your fly werent open , youd look just like roger moore . later , chickie pie . whoo . oh , la , simpson . huh . what can i do for you and your new do . you sent me to the chair . snake . but youre dead . i know you are , but what am i . no . no . no . and the fluffy kitten played with that ball of string all through the night . on a lighter note , a kwik e clerk was brutally murdered last night . oh , my god . thats horrible . who will run the kwik e . im afraid we have no leads , but i can safely say apu did not suffer . looks to me like he suffered a lot , chief . ah , geez , lou . how long were you gonna let me keep drinking this thing . whod do such a thing . ah , mornin , homer . ah , youre looking unusually focused this morning . shut your squeal hole, , booze jockey . im gonna , like , totally waste you . ah , somebodys a grumpy gus . what  oh . oh . yoink . ah , for cryin out loud . another of springfields beloved citizens was murdered today . filthy old bartender moe szyslak has watered down his last highball . oh , my god . everyone snake swore revenge on is being murdered . its almost as if hes killing from beyond the grave . i told you capital punishment isnt a deterrent . dont you get it . he swore hed kill me too . im next . dont worry . ill protect you  little dude . there . now no murderers can get in . or out . dad . you are so dead . no . come here , you little  stop it . youre killing me . my school picture . daddy would like a word with you , barty . help . dads trying to kill me . its hammer time , snitchy . thats snakes voice . of course . the transplant . somehow snakes hair must be controlling  oh , please , lisa . everyones already figured that out . youve got to fight the hair , dad . but i look so youthful and hunky . the kids gotta die . but i love my son . more than a lush head of hair . dont make me choose . no . i love you , son . i love you too , dad . get off . get it off . ill show you , hair . ow . ow . ow . thats my face , you idiot . idiot . why you little  dont you  ill kill you . homer simpson , youre under arrest for the murders of moe szyslak and apu nahasa  pasa  ahjust , moe . just moe . it wasnt me . it was the hair . freeze , hair ball . now thats what i call a bad hair day . may i remind you that two people are dead . oh . wait . i just got it . it is funny . bad hair day . hey , . tonight im going to suck your blood . okay . get ready for the violentest , disembowelingest vomit inducingest itchy and scratchy halloween special ever . hey . what the  sorry , but if i let you watch one of these gruesome halloween cartoons id be a pretty lousy mother . why dont you kids come trick or with maggie and me . nah , its too early . i need to work under cover of darkness . oh , homer , youre not going as a hobo again . going where . well , were leaving . and remember , no itchy and scratchy . aw . id better take these batteries just to be sure . mm hmm . theres gotta be some batteries in here somewhere . hmm . oh , bart , thats plutonium . its highly unstable . dont you ever get tired of being wrong . trick or treat . whats wrong with the tv . colors screwed up . whoa . cool . bart , quit it . hey . hey , lise , were characters in a cartoon . how humiliating . look . why are you laughing . hey . theyre laughing at your pain . thats mean . lets teach em a lesson . a cartoon ax . i love it . help . police . to protect and sever . hmm . hmm . oh . how are bart and lisa gonna get out of this one . sorry . it happens . hey , . wiggedy , . poochies in the house . were done for , bart .  . not if i know cartoons . whoa . whew . that was close . uh , bart . not now , lise . im trying to relax . boring . im telling you , this cilantro really gives it a zing . reg , theres no cilantro in it . oh , god . man alive . this soup is out of control . oh . hey . my  eyes . my beautiful eyes . oh , thats it . im going home . dom deluise can interview himself . oh , itchys house . this is where we came in . look . dad , you gotta get us out of here . use the remote . huh . oh , okay . lets see . pause . uh , three . no . ff  come on . hurry , homer . oh , that is gonna hurt tomorrow . dad , push exit . hmm . hey . aaah . lisa , look out . a skeleton . aah . look how cute they are . look at him go . youre beautiful . aw , somebodys in love . that means youll have to be neutered . no . here comes the flying saucer . whats wrong with stinky . shes teething . look . her very first baby tooth . aw  ew .  . disgusting . ugh . i just lost my appetite . me too . wait . mine came back . i know how to cheer you up . this little piggy went to kwik e . this little piggy went nuts . this little piggy went surfing . and this little piggy went  oh . look , marge . maggie lost her baby legs . oh , my god . homer , do something . the ceilings not a safe place for a young baby . all right , i got it . come on . get off the  bad baby . oh . shes entering the terrible twos , all right . its probably nothing , but we just wanted to be sure . aah . is there anything you can prescribe , doctor . fire , and lots of it . oh , thats your cure for everything . poor , maggie . if only you could tell us whats happening to you . commander kang , receiving transmission from infant pod . holy flirking shnit . whats the message . larval stage completed . standing by for orders . experiencing terrible rash . over . ensign kodos , set coordinates for the obscure t shirt planet known as earth . its time i paid a visit to my daughter . well return with how dracula got his groove back . hello  oh , great . mormons . actually , were quantum presbyterians . and weve come to see my daughter . oh , lord . i was hoping this day would never come . huh . what are you talking about . you mean you never told him . oh , i guess ive been in denial . homer , kang is maggies father . you intergalactic hussy . how could you . was he better than me . it all happened about two years ago . there i was having a great time in the backyard when without warning , i was abducted by aliens . warning .  . warning .  . prepare to be abducted . huh . congratulations . you have been selected for our crossbreeding program . to put you at ease , we have re created the most common spawning locations of your species . you may choose either the backseat of a camaro an airplane bathroom , a friends wedding or the alley behind a porno theater . i absolutely refuse to go along with this . but since i have no choice , ill take the alley . initiate fertilization procedure . oh , you look lovely this evening . have you decreased in mass . i tried to resist but they applied powerful mind confusion techniques . look . behind you . insemination complete . really . that seemed awfully quick . what are you implying . nothing . nothing . whoa . wow . look at the time . id love to stay , but i have an early meeting tomorrow . youre a super girl though . ill call you sometime . nine months later , i gave birth to maggie . and now she must return home to rigel vii where she will be guaranteed a lucrative civil service job for life . well , we cant compete with that , but  but nothing . get your slime less hands off her . people . people . space monsters . this is going nowhere . theres only one man who can settle an argument this bizarre . jerry .  . jerry .  . jerry .  . okay , were back . homer , how did it feel to learn your baby was fathered by a drooling space octopus . it made me angryjerry , . angry and tired . well , youre about to get a whole lot angrier because we have the extramarital extraterrestrial backstage in a soundproofbooth where he cant hear us . i hear all . ladies and gentlemen , meet kang . hey . yeah . mmm . whoo .  . one eyed, , two timing im gonna  oh , yeah . well  hyperbolic paraboloid  your mama . yeah , i got a question for that gross thing , whatever it is . homer . nah , the green dude . if youre that babys daddy , where you been at . you know , somebody needs to learn your green ass some responsibility . yeah .  . now hold on , kang . you cant bully my audience with your fancy ray gun . and now for my final thought . nobody wins when parents put their petty squabbles above the welfare of a child . lets hope they put their differences aside and do whats best for maggie . ow . what the  get the  baby off . son of a  im so  embarrassed . i cant believe it . jerry springer didnt solve our conflict . and now hes dead . anyhoo , this is your last chance . turn over the baby now . or we will destroy all your leaders in washington . oh , you couldnt destroy every politician . just watch us . dont forget ken starr . suckers . come on , maggie . lets go home . very well . ill drive . i need blood . my eyes .  . my beautiful eyes .  . springfield . i dont get it . they should be here by now . ah , what are you gonna do . hmm . good lines , nice balance . lets see how she handles . oh , yeah . tame it , baby . yo , ring her up , dude . you cannot smoke in here . please , the sign is clearly posted , sir . oh , god . you smokers disgust me . hey , pu , you got a breakfast cereal for people with syphilis . hands up , scuzbag . no , not you . the smoking scuzbag . oh , chill out , dude . ill pay the fine . not this time , you wont . this is your third strike . first , you torched that orphanage , then you blew up that bus full of nuns . hey , that was self defense . well , youll be seeing lots of nuns where youre going , pal  hell . because the penalty for strike three is death . oh , youll never make it stick , dude . will too , cause this place is full of witnesses . apu , that scuzbag mo . im not going to forget this , dudes . im going to totally kill both of you . and dont forget bart simpson . hes a witness too . right , barty . oh . oh , you are so dead , little dude . thanks a lot , chief . you kids crack me up . hi . im ed mcmahon . tonight on fox from the producers of when skirts fall off and secrets of national security revealed its worlds deadliest executions . making his first appearance on our show he e snake . thank you , chickie pies . the chair . aw . how come they only do crucifixions during sweeps . snake played lacrosse at ball state university . so long , snake . youll never harm another person with secondhand smoke . dude . hey oh . all right . now lets get this carcass over to the hospital and carve it up for organs . dibs on the liver . whoo hoo . marge , they found a donor . im saved . boy , youre getting this transplant just in time , homer . this is genuine human hair . this is legal , right . yeah , sure . whatever . these drugs will make the operation seem like a beautiful dream . ahh . hi , everybody . who wants to see their sexy new daddy . whoa . oh , dad .  . whoa . wow . if your fly werent open , youd look just like roger moore . later , chickie pie . whoo . oh , la , simpson . huh . what can i do for you and your new do . you sent me to the chair . snake . but youre dead . i know you are , but what am i . no . no . no . and the fluffy kitten played with that ball of string all through the night . on a lighter note , a kwik e clerk was brutally murdered last night . oh , my god . thats horrible . who will run the kwik e . im afraid we have no leads , but i can safely say apu did not suffer . looks to me like he suffered a lot , chief . ah , geez , lou . how long were you gonna let me keep drinking this thing . whod do such a thing . ah , mornin , homer . ah , youre looking unusually focused this morning . shut your squeal hole, , booze jockey . im gonna , like , totally waste you . ah , somebodys a grumpy gus . what  oh . oh . yoink . ah , for cryin out loud . another of springfields beloved citizens was murdered today . filthy old bartender moe szyslak has watered down his last highball . oh , my god . everyone snake swore revenge on is being murdered . its almost as if hes killing from beyond the grave . i told you capital punishment isnt a deterrent . dont you get it . he swore hed kill me too . im next . dont worry . ill protect you  little dude . there . now no murderers can get in . or out . dad . you are so dead . no . come here , you little  stop it . youre killing me . my school picture . daddy would like a word with you , barty . help . dads trying to kill me . its hammer time , snitchy . thats snakes voice . of course . the transplant . somehow snakes hair must be controlling  oh , please , lisa . everyones already figured that out . youve got to fight the hair , dad . but i look so youthful and hunky . the kids gotta die . but i love my son . more than a lush head of hair . dont make me choose . no . i love you , son . i love you too , dad . get off . get it off . ill show you , hair . ow . ow . ow . thats my face , you idiot . idiot . why you little  dont you  ill kill you . homer simpson , youre under arrest for the murders of moe szyslak and apu nahasa  pasa  ahjust , moe . just moe . it wasnt me . it was the hair . freeze , hair ball . now thats what i call a bad hair day . may i remind you that two people are dead . oh . wait . i just got it . it is funny . bad hair day . hey , . tonight im going to suck your blood . okay . get ready for the violentest , disembowelingest vomit inducingest itchy and scratchy halloween special ever . hey . what the  sorry , but if i let you watch one of these gruesome halloween cartoons id be a pretty lousy mother . why dont you kids come trick or with maggie and me . nah , its too early . i need to work under cover of darkness . oh , homer , youre not going as a hobo again . going where . well , were leaving . and remember , no itchy and scratchy . aw . id better take these batteries just to be sure . mm hmm . theres gotta be some batteries in here somewhere . hmm . oh , bart , thats plutonium . its highly unstable . dont you ever get tired of being wrong . trick or treat . whats wrong with the tv . colors screwed up . whoa . cool . bart , quit it . hey . hey , lise , were characters in a cartoon . how humiliating . look . why are you laughing . hey . theyre laughing at your pain . thats mean . lets teach em a lesson . a cartoon ax . i love it . help . police . to protect and sever . hmm . hmm . oh . how are bart and lisa gonna get out of this one . sorry . it happens . hey , . wiggedy , . poochies in the house . were done for , bart .  . not if i know cartoons . whoa . whew . that was close . uh , bart . not now , lise . im trying to relax . boring . im telling you , this cilantro really gives it a zing . reg , theres no cilantro in it . oh , god . man alive . this soup is out of control . oh . hey . my  eyes . my beautiful eyes . oh , thats it . im going home . dom deluise can interview himself . oh , itchys house . this is where we came in . look . dad , you gotta get us out of here . use the remote . huh . oh , okay . lets see . pause . uh , three . no . ff  come on . hurry , homer . oh , that is gonna hurt tomorrow . dad , push exit . hmm . hey . aaah . lisa , look out . a skeleton . aah . look how cute they are . look at him go . youre beautiful . aw , somebodys in love . that means youll have to be neutered . no . here comes the flying saucer . whats wrong with stinky . shes teething . look . her very first baby tooth . aw  ew .  . disgusting . ugh . i just lost my appetite . me too . wait . mine came back . i know how to cheer you up . this little piggy went to kwik e . this little piggy went nuts . this little piggy went surfing . and this little piggy went  oh . look , marge . maggie lost her baby legs . oh , my god . homer , do something . the ceilings not a safe place for a young baby . all right , i got it . come on . get off the  bad baby . oh . shes entering the terrible twos , all right . its probably nothing , but we just wanted to be sure . aah . is there anything you can prescribe , doctor . fire , and lots of it . oh , thats your cure for everything . poor , maggie . if only you could tell us whats happening to you . commander kang , receiving transmission from infant pod . holy flirking shnit . whats the message . larval stage completed . standing by for orders . experiencing terrible rash . over . ensign kodos , set coordinates for the obscure t shirt planet known as earth . its time i paid a visit to my daughter . well return with how dracula got his groove back . hello  oh , great . mormons . actually , were quantum presbyterians . and weve come to see my daughter . oh , lord . i was hoping this day would never come . huh . what are you talking about . you mean you never told him . oh , i guess ive been in denial . homer , kang is maggies father . you intergalactic hussy . how could you . was he better than me . it all happened about two years ago . there i was having a great time in the backyard when without warning , i was abducted by aliens . warning .  . warning .  . prepare to be abducted . huh . congratulations . you have been selected for our crossbreeding program . to put you at ease , we have re created the most common spawning locations of your species . you may choose either the backseat of a camaro an airplane bathroom , a friends wedding or the alley behind a porno theater . i absolutely refuse to go along with this . but since i have no choice , ill take the alley . initiate fertilization procedure . oh , you look lovely this evening . have you decreased in mass . i tried to resist but they applied powerful mind confusion techniques . look . behind you . insemination complete . really . that seemed awfully quick . what are you implying . nothing . nothing . whoa . wow . look at the time . id love to stay , but i have an early meeting tomorrow . youre a super girl though . ill call you sometime . nine months later , i gave birth to maggie . and now she must return home to rigel vii where she will be guaranteed a lucrative civil service job for life . well , we cant compete with that , but  but nothing . get your slime less hands off her . people . people . space monsters . this is going nowhere . theres only one man who can settle an argument this bizarre . jerry .  . jerry .  . jerry .  . okay , were back . homer , how did it feel to learn your baby was fathered by a drooling space octopus . it made me angryjerry , . angry and tired . well , youre about to get a whole lot angrier because we have the extramarital extraterrestrial backstage in a soundproofbooth where he cant hear us . i hear all . ladies and gentlemen , meet kang . hey . yeah . mmm . whoo .  . one eyed, , two timing im gonna  oh , yeah . well  hyperbolic paraboloid  your mama . yeah , i got a question for that gross thing , whatever it is . homer . nah , the green dude . if youre that babys daddy , where you been at . you know , somebody needs to learn your green ass some responsibility . yeah .  . now hold on , kang . you cant bully my audience with your fancy ray gun . and now for my final thought . nobody wins when parents put their petty squabbles above the welfare of a child . lets hope they put their differences aside and do whats best for maggie . ow . what the  get the  baby off . son of a  im so  embarrassed . i cant believe it . jerry springer didnt solve our conflict . and now hes dead . anyhoo , this is your last chance . turn over the baby now . or we will destroy all your leaders in washington . oh , you couldnt destroy every politician . just watch us . dont forget ken starr . suckers . come on , maggie . lets go home . very well . ill drive . i need blood . my eyes .  . my beautiful eyes .  . springfield . hey , bart bart looks like a beautiful day to swipe some pic i baskets . but , homi , ranger neds not gonna like that . ill handle ranger ned . after all , im smarter than the average bear . well , hello there , ho didilly . well , im afraid im gonna have to ask you to hand over that  gee , homi , its not very nice to maul ranger ned . you want some of this . uh uh . dad , wake up . wake up . dad , wake up . i was having the most wonderful dream . i had a hat and a tie , with no pants on . yeah , . anyway , you promised to take us to the lake . i promise you lots of things . thats what makes me such a good father . actually keeping promises would make you a good father . no , that would make me a great father . so are we going to the lake . yes , well go to the darn lake . now go back to bed . its a . m . aw , a . m .  . now ill never get back to  hey , you shouldnt have oughta taken my banana , mr . peebles . wow .  . it looks like the lake is the place to be , huh . well , if wed left at a . m like i wanted to  well , if wed left at a . m like i wanted to  dad , you really should be watching the road . hey , homer . enough traffic for you . homer , your spine . hey , pfft . screw this . hang on , everyone . were taking the old simpson shortcut . so long , suckers . whoa . eat my dust , suckers . stop calling everyone suckers . hmm . ugh . pesticides . carbamate , if im not mistaken . yep . carbamate . tree . i see it . hmm . this is such a secluded area . i wonder who lives in that house . way out in the sticks like this . it could only be hillbillies . so i suppose thats a hillbillyjacuzzi . yep . thats where they cook up their vittles . hey , here come the simpsons . now be careful , homer . theres a fella in the sand right in front of you . okay , remember where we parked . homer , is that my muffler . there you go . and i assume youve read the boat safety manual . oh , yeah . couldnt put it down . come on , boy . lets get me a six pack . uh , sir , you cant operate a boat under the influence of alcohol . oh , that sounds like a wager to me . life jackets . check . tow rope . secure . skier . ready . here we go . shes down . oh , look at it go . stay there , honey . well come back for you . hows he doing . i dont know . i think dad might be a little heavy for parasailing . faster , marge . faster . the snapping turtles are massing . heads up . coming through . hey , volleyball . can i play later . hi , apu . oh , dear . you have ruined my work , you flying fat man . hey . step on it , mom . dads signaling that he wants to go higher . higher . bye bye, , fishies . higher . higher . im soaring  majestically , like a candy wrapper caught in an updraft . higher , marge . higher . it wont go any . higher , i say . i wanna soar higher than any man has ever soared . i wanna look down on the clouds with contempt . i wanna sneer at gods creation and spit on his  uh oh . lower . lower . there goes my turn . this is not good . aw , nuts . huh . what . oh , already . what the hell  sorry , lady . i know you . youre kim basin jer . its basinger . oh , my god . im such a huge , fan of yours , miss basin jer . thanks . um , listen . you think you could slide over a little . well , i am a married man . youre crushing my husband . billy baldwin . im alec baldwin . could you get off me . so what are you two kids doing in my neck of the woods . well  wait . tell me over breakfast . whos for pancakes . are you sure you dont want to go to the hospital , mr . simpson . you had an awful lot of glass in you . oh , i dont want to be a bother . anyway , what are you two big hollywood stars doing in good old springfield . sometimes we need to get away from hollywood . l . a . is just so phony . well , why dont you just move to , say , bethesda . not phony enough . what we really like here is the privacy . most people dont even know where springfield is . yeah . tell you the truth , im not even sure . were trying to keep a low profile . we dont even go to the supermarket . yeah , weve been living off congratulatory muffin baskets . blech . zucchini . dont just put that back in the basket . im gonna eat it later . you shouldnt have to survive on dry , crumbly muffins from the gersh agency . you should let me do your shopping . i know where i can get you some great muffins . no more muffins . okay , fine . but i could do all kinds of stuff for you . i notice that skylight in your bedrooms broken . yeah , im not sure we need an assistant , mr . simpson . please . homer . come on . if you let me hang around a while , i can do all kinds of stuff for ya . well , we are down to our last roll of toilet paper . and i have been brushing my teeth with hair gel for a week . i suppose we could give it a try . yeah , you owe me that much . okay , youre on . but look  nobody knows were in springfield , and we wanna keep it that way . will you promise to keep our secret . absolutely , if you promise to keep mine . okay . what is it . i cant read . but you just read that card from the gersh agency . i recognized the logo . homie , are you okay . weve been lookin all over for you , dad . where did you land . nowhere famous . whered you get that muffin . gersh agency . apu , im about to purchase some weird and fruity items , and i dont want any guff . first of all , ill need the following mushrooms portobello . yes . porcini . right . chanterelle . uh huh . and shiitake . okay . we have none of those . what is next . a gallon of wheatgrass juice , a five pound wad of tofu , some jellied zinc and a couple of pairs of sunglasses . mr . simpson , these exotic items are suspiciously different from your usual order of beer and pork . what gives . uh , nothing , . im just broadening my horizons . by the way , do you have extra wide bumper stickers for a humvee . wow . you got everything , homer  even the oscar polish . honey , why dont you give that thing a rest . youre taking the finish off . when you win one , you can take care of it however you want . whoo hoo . meow . ill get it . ill get it . yes . hi . im ron howard . ron howard . yeah . im looking for alec baldwin and kim basinger . alec baldwin and kim basinger . oh , hey , ron . we heard you were looking for a place in springfield . yeah , well , its the only town in america thatll let me fish with dynamite . uh whats with him . oh , thats just homer . hes a new friend of ours . really . you giant stars consider me a friend . well , for the first time in my life i feel like im somebody . ronny , are you also my close friend . do i smell vodka . and wheatgrass . its called a lawn mower . i invented it . you want one . yeah , okay . and ill have a rum and zinc . oh , ill have one of those too . hey , can i crash here tonight . sure . well all stay . a cell phone . last thursdays variety . ill do that . you go upstairs and have a beer . homer , when did you become a member of peta . well , you know me . i love animals  beef , chicken , veal . if youre not part of the solution , marge , youre part of the problem . thats not what peta stand  imagine films . hmm . a , uh , division of , um , homer co . and lift . and strain . and hyperextend . keep those knees rigid . jerk that lower back . homer , im  feeling some sharp pains in my neck . that right , force it . whip that neck . um , does anybody know where this came from . oh , theres that movie script i wrote . where did you find it . on my pillow . the important thing is , its got the perfect part for you . either one of you . its about a killer robot driving instructor who travels back in time for some reason . ron howards attached to direct . i am not . well , he expressed an interest . no , i didnt . did too . i did not . you lie . this is only and several of the pages are just drawings of the time machine . so youre saying you dont want to star in my movie . im sorry , homer . well , if alec is out , im out too . youre on your own , potsie . the terminizeran erotic thriller . so im in the grocery store the other day , buying some cotton balls . the absorbent kind . you got that right , my friend . i round the corner and i head down the ointment aisle when who should i spot  none other than kent brockman . the local news guy . mr . channel . my god . what id give to meet him . oh , they dont come much bigger than that . kent brockman . please . oh , what . i suppose youve seen a bigger star . i might have . come on , make with a name . i cant . i promised i wouldnt . youve got to keep our secret , homer . homer , were out of vodka . tell the people , homer . they have a right to know about the celebrity summer house . who the hell are you . what do you care . im telling you what you want to hear . all right , im gonna let you guys in on something . but youve got to keep it much more secret than i did . yes . in your freckled face , howard . unbelievable . what . nothing , . good hustle . my god the lemonade . look at the lemonade . uh oh . hey , look at that . isnt that something . quick  everybody inside . the shuttlecock  wheres the shuttlecock . arr . i loved splash , mr . howard . it was totally , uh , arr . uh , miss basinger . those red pumps you wore in l . a . confidential were fabulous . where can i get a pair for my , uh , mother . she wears a double e . alec , regarding that so called silent propulsion system in the hunt for red october  i printed out a list of technical errors which i think youd enjoy discussing . somebody must have told them we live here . im looking at you , horshack . homer , how could you . okay , it was me . im sorry i blew your secret . but you dont know what its like to be a nobody . i just wanted to bask in your reflected glory . reflected glory . homer , you betrayed our confidence . i just dont think we can be friends anymore . but where will i bask . anywhere but here . come on , ron . were not wanted here . all right , ill go . but the next time you want someone to remind you which brother is which or smell your hair while youre sleeping  just remember , old homer wont be here anymore . hey , come on .  . wait a minute . somebodys coming out . who is it . is it anybody . no , . its nobody . throw your stones . its nobody . oh , how could alec and kim just cut me out of their lives . homer , you havent touched your food . when kim makes a manwich , she uses focaccia bread . and would it kill you to put some fennel in it . alec baldwin . wow . that is the coolest person youve ever been fired by . what was it like at their house . oh , it was so great . i didnt have to fake it with them . i was actually excited to hear about their day . i washed the dog today . was it the dog from the beethoven movies . of course not . our dog isnt famous . and you kids arent exactly john and joan cusack . and you you couldnt open a movie if your life depended on it . im about ready to ankle this family . ankle . focaccia . what are you talking about . see . its like we dont even speak the same language anymore . the only one who understands me is that guy who married martha raye . dont blame us , dad . the celebrities are the ones who canned you . hmm . she may not be famous , but shes right . those big shot stars used me up and spit me out . i did their laundry . got their pictures developed . took their garbage to the dump . and i still got a carful of their crap . crap , eh . hey , is it too late to see the movie stars . no , . just , uh , hop that fence sneak up and , uh , peek in the window there . all right . i never get tired of that . attention , starstruck fools . step right up and see the worlds greatest mobile collection of alec and ron and kim o . only five  no wait . ten dollars . you heard right . twenty dollars . homer , me first . come on , man . oh . hundred year stuff . hey , its alec baldwins medic alert bracelet . thats right , mr . tough guy cant handle a little penicillin . oh , and look at this . we cant even pay our bills , and theyre drinking royal crown cola . hey , . go easy on the celebrities , huh . yeah . what gives you the right . leave em alone . we love celebrities . oh , yeah . what have they ever done for you . when was the last time barbra streisand cleaned out your garage . and when its time to do the dishes , wheres ray bolger . ill tell ya . ray bolger is lookin out for ray bolger . oh , look . wasnt that a fun weekend . yeah . homer was a pretty good guy . and we just tossed him out like a golden globe award . ive got to admit , i miss the way he used to tuck us in and kiss us on the forehead . forehead . oh , maybe i should have made his movie . yeah . it wasnt that bad . i mean , the script might even work if you got rid of the talking pie . what , are you crazy . its a buddy picture . without the pie , it would just be me on screen for two hours . oh , yeah , and youd hate that . no , . you cant lose the pie . the pie is your heart . okay , . keep the damn pie . the point is , we werent fair to homer . he screwed up , but he deserves another chance . yeah . everyone makes mistakes . i mean , wed want another chance if one of us ever made a bad film , right . im really looking forward to seeing homer again . he always has the most interesting odors . oh , look at me . im kim basinger , the big movie star . im so beautiful . i think im so great . im too important to take homer to the oscars . what the  got to go . thank you for supporting the museum of hollywood jerks . lets get him . and this time its personal . what . it is personal . hes got our underpants . ill never outrun them in a museum . pull over , you maniac . no . just jump over there , alec . its not that far . yeah , youre a big screen tough guy . uh , gee , id love to , but im not really wearing the right shoes . fine . hey , i made it . all by myself . hey , were you watching , sweetheart . i made it . ow . aaah . my watch is caught . oh , for the love of  hold on . can you drive . not well , but ill give it a shot . oh , god . i guess its up to me . ron . you killed ron howard . okay , ill stop . mr . simpson , do you have anything to say for yourself . yes , i do . i believe that famous people have a debt to everyone . if celebrities didnt want people pawing through their garbage and saying theyre gay , they shouldnt have tried to express themselves creatively . in closing , you people must realize that the public owns you for life , and when youre dead youll all be in commercials , dancing with vacuum cleaners . thank you , your honor . mr . simpson , you are forbidden to come within miles of any celebrity , living or dead . whoo hoo . well , ill always have my crank calls . hello . old lady from titanic . you stink . and it grows to a powerful , emotional climax when the father has to choose which one of his children will live and which one will die . pass . what else you got . uh  well , there is this one thing . its about a killer robot driving instructor that travels back in time for some reason . im listening . okay , . well , you see , this robot  hes got a heartbreaking decision to make about whether his best friend lives or dies . eh . his best friends a talking pie . sold . howard , youve done it again . shh . homer , were out of vodka . springfield . ah , lunchtime . well , lets see what ive packed for myself today . one bouillon cube . one concord grape . one philly cheesesteak . and a jar of garlic pickles . no one will want to kiss me after these , eh , smithers . well , its their loss , sir . yes . allow me , sir . its no use . shall i send out for some chinese . no . those people are all gristle . i want this jar open . worthless old geezers . phew . next . all righty . oh , for goodness sake . what we need around here is some fresh blood . would you like me to drain simpson while hes passed out , sir . no , . to attract the top grads well need to make a recruitment film a picture that showcases our cutting edge technology . a talkie , sir . yes . brilliant . thats just the kind of far out gimmick we need . and action . wow . what a graduation . ill say . but with college behind us , well need careers , and good ones . what about chestnut roasting . people always need chestnuts . or begging . i know a place thatll saw your legs off . slow down , fellas . ive got a way we can keep our legs and still have a bright future . now youre dreamin . oh , am i . of course . nuclear power . its the job of tomorrow today . really . well , that settles it . for all those reasons and more let us choose an electrifying career in  line . nuclear power . nuclear power . you dunderheaded stooges are the worst bunch of  hey . pretty good , huh . well , its better than that last barbra streisand movie . i didnt quite get the point of it . why would lenny want someone to saw his legs off . well , there were script problems from day one . didnt seem like anyone even read the script . that was the problem . the important thing is , after all these years of paying my dues im finally getting some decent parts . youre joining the screen actors guild . i didnt choose to be a gifted actor , marge . it chose me . im merely a vessel through which genius flows . now help me make up some phony credits . fat guy number three . good . good . hey , dad , it says they need your full name . you only put down your middle initial . hey , what the heck is your middle name anyway . you know , i have no idea . hey , dad , what does the j stand for . how should i know . it was your mothers job to name ya and love ya and such . i was mainly in it for the spankin . but i cant ask mom . shes on the run from the law . serves her right for bein a s radical . though she was a demon in the sack . so , dad , regarding that form why not just make up a middle name . you might as well . you already made up a phony film credit . no . homer simpson does not lie twice on the same form . he never has , and he never will . you lied dozens of times on our mortgage application . yeah , but they were all part of a single ball of lies . the point is , im a grown man , and i deserve a middle name . hmm . i know where we might find your missing moniker . its a bit of a drive , but on the way we can have a nice father son chat . great . ill go shoot myself for bringing this up . this is the hippie commune your mother ran off to when life with me became a living hell . wow . look at this place . theres a pond for skinny dippin , a tire for skinny swingin i can actually feel the good vibrations . ouch . i remember them  seth and munchie . look at those filthy , lazy , flea ridden oh , hi there . hey , check it out . is that abe simpson . geez , man . we havent seen you since woodstock . you went to woodstock . your mother dragged us both to that godforsaken lovefest . boo . bring on sha na . whoa . mellow out , abe . little homers trying to groove . shame on you , boy . put some damn pants on and then pull em down . cause its time for a spankin . get a load of captain bring down . whoa . yeah , whoa . but i wanna play in the mud and be a hippie . never . what you needs a good long hitch in vietnam . there must be an enlistment tent around here somewhere . if id have left it up to your mother youd have ended up in a hellhole like this just lyin around , never workin without a care in your head full of long , luxurious hippie hair . oh , homerj . how do you keep your hair so rich and full . lather , rinse and repeat . always repeat . homerj . will you teach us to make love . wow . i could have lived like that . you know , homer , your mom was a pretty groovy chick . and a demon in the sack . ah , you heard about that , eh . he heard . anyway , i still think about her every time i walk by that mural she painted . oh . my mother painted that for me . oh , my god . my middle name is right behind that shrub . ill finally know what j stands for . from this moment forth , i will be known as homer jay simpson . its so beautiful . what a magical gift for my mother to leave me . she also left her old poncho . get off of there , ginsberg . ill treasure this poncho forever . mwah . uh , you might want to wash that . the dog has a lot of skin and bladder problems . all right . we got what we came for . plus that stink rag to boot . now lets hit the road . just lyinaround never workin , without a care in  my head full of long , luxurious hippie hair . ill do it . what . im gonna be a hippie , just like mom wanted . im gonna let my spirit soar and love all of gods creatures . get up , you stupid dog . okay , if im gonna be a real hippie i have to learn from the master mr . bob flower child hope . hey , peace , man . far out . groovy . im a hippie . ladies and gentlemen , miss jill st . john . hey , bob , i just came to invite you to the love in . i got you a date with the perfect flower child  phyllis diller . lets get it on . now i know how dean rusk feels . good night , everybody . bummer . love in . dean rusk . by george , ive got it . dad , do you mind . your feet are really close to my potato . your potato . you cant , like , own a potato , man . its one of mother earths creatures . homer , excuse yourself . no way , narc . bodily functions are a natural thing . not to mention hilarious . you know , i really dont appreciate being called a narc . and that poncho is filthy . let me dry clean it for you . would you why do you have to turn everything into one big plastic hassle . marge , you got too many hang ups . like the whole shaving trip . come on . i want to see those legs all furry and gross . that aint gonna happen , bub . well , at least lose the bra . free the springfield two , marge . free the springfield two . i think youve had too much strawberry wine . help .  . oh , ive never seen anything like  my eyes have been soiled . come on , maude . the human wang is a beautiful thing . homer , for god sakes , put your poncho on .  . okay , . narc . ahhh . ohhh . heads up . hey , its homerjay . my man . youve gone granola . right on . the hack . oh . that was cool . i think ill stick around . weve got everything we need right here . good times . sunshine . free love . okay , time to get back to work . work . but youre hippies . oh , we were on a break . time is money , man . huh . what is this place . we are the largest organic juice company in springfield . we grow our own vegetables and process them right here and we give half the profits to war orphans . profits , . what kind of hippies are you . peter fonda must be spinning in his grave . hey , were just trying to pay the bills , homer . i mean , were still hippies at heart . oh , yeah . whens the last time you freaked out the establishment . you guys are total sell outs . wait . dont you work for a nuclear power plant . look . we can sit here all day and play the blame game or we can start freaking people out . come on . wheres your freak bus . i drive a saturn . a saturn . we used to have a bus . in a way , the s ended the day we sold it  december . yeah , an old time freak out sounds tempting , homer but weve got a big order to fill . fine . i guess the juice business is more important than the ideals our hippie forefathers refused to go to war and die for . i suppose we could duck out for a couple hours . hey , well call it a business trip and write off the mileage . now your freak flags flyin . let the freak out begin . whoo hoo . ohh . were never gonna freak anybody out with this music . i brought something from my personal stash thatll blow some minds . will you turn that down just a little . hey , square . expand your mind . the doors of perception are open for business . thanks for the tip , homer . never fear . the cosmic fool is here to blow the lid off your conformist , button down world . weirdos . hi , marge . were freaking out squares . oh , lord . whats in your brand new bag , mama . its that pair of dockers you wanted . with the balloon seat , right . marge . not in front of the hippies . uh oh . i dont like the sound of that . oh , please , god , dont let them come in here . hear ye . hear ye . the intergalactic jester proclaims this conformity factory closed . whoo hoo . hmm . fifteen years of loyal service , and this is how they tell me . ajester with an invisible proclamation . that was fun . i dont know if we actually freaked anyone out , but  no , . marge was definitely freaked out . thanks , homer . it was nice to reconnect with our hippie roots , if only for a  what the hell . oh , no . oh , man . your frisbee jammed the juice ilator, , homer . our entire shipment is ruined . uh , pretty , uh , freaky , huh . the only people who are going to be freaked out are our stockholders . im sensing some negative vibes here . but i promise tomorrows freak out will go a lot smoother . there wont be any more freak outs . youre not a hippie , and you never were . yes , but but the poncho  please , homer just leave us alone . hmm . how could you let me turn into you . bu bu the poncho . bu bu the poncho . hit the road , square . uh oh . oh , for cryinout loud .  . stunned league officials say point shaving may have occurred in as many as three harlem globetrotters games . and in business news , groovy grove juice corporation has announced it will miss delivery on its third quarter shipment . a spokesman attributed the production shutdown to a half witted oaf . ah , it was sweet of those guys to blame an oaf but really it was my fault . i just dont have the discipline to be a hippie . oh , does this mean youre going to start showering again . perhaps , in time . ah , cheer up , dad . you make a great hippie . ah , youre just saying that . no , really . youre lazy and self righteous . and the soles of your feet are jet black . well , i do walk through pretty much anything . oh , you kids are sweet . i know you feel bad about the juice incident but im sure you can make up for it somehow . thats it . somehow . sleep , gentle hippies . sleep . let old homerjay set things right . huh . good morning , starshine , seth . whats going on . what happened to our crops . i picked emjuiced , em and delivered em to every store in town . your business is saved . but there werent enough vegetables left to fill that order . thats what i thought at first . but then i found the other garden behind the barn the one with the camouflage netting . uh oh . homer those were our personal vegetables . well , now the whole town can benefit from their nutrients . fergie . willie , you complete me . saints be praised . oh , closer . ive always dreamed of this moment . oh . thanks , pinky . youve always been there for me . mornin , ned . pucker up , ned . we are so old . yeah . lou . lou . are you all right . the electric yellow has got me by the brain banana . i see . my god . its nothin but carrots and peyote . damn longhairs never learn , chief . yeah , its time for an old fashioned hippie ass whomping . attention , hippies . come out peacefully so we can smash your drug mill and all your worldly possessions . officer , please . we can explain . not so fast , pig . were making a stand . a freaky stand . you can smash this drug barn all you want but first youll have to smash our heads open like ripe melons . this man does not represent us . all right , boys , set your nightsticks on whomp . uh , mines stuck on twirl . oh , for the love of  there . now lets crack some skulls . seth , munchie , they can destroy our bodies and our ponchos but they can never silence our song of protest . come on , guys . forget the clubs . just shoot em . look at yourselves . pointing guns at your fellow man . hatred is a cage that keeps us from soaring free . yes , the s may be dead and gone and its spirit long since extinguished but its ideals live on . freedom , love and peace . doh .  . doctor , will he be all right . yes . he was lucky . if that had been a gladiola , hed be dead right now . why dont you just pull it out . im a doctor , not a gardener . cant you just prune some of the leaves so i can watch tv . what did i just say . i buried flanders . i buried flanders . shh . springfield . and may we burn in painful and foul smelling fire forever and ever . a men nonite minister will be giving a guest sermon next sunday . go in peace . a  dont make me come up there . men . whoo hoo .  . let me outta here . the guy never stops talking . oh . im starving . mom , can we go catholic so we can get communion wafers and booze . no . no ones going catholic . three children is enough , thank you . hang in there , son . im taking us out for our traditional sunday brunch . idiot . he zinged you , marge . brunch is served . i feel guilty coming here every sunday and never actually buying anything . why . were following the rules . if it has a toothpick in it , its free . hey . ah . this is my kind of aisle . soy substitute . whizless cheese . oven roasted cud . its packed in its own drool . gavin , honey , help mommy pick a cereal . oh . how about alfalfa bits . those suck . i hate this store . but , sweetheart , mommy  i hate you too . i wanna live with one of my dads . mmm . so , you say this product is known as fudge . yes . just like it was last week . if youre gonna get snippy , ill take my business elsewhere . jerry garcia . honey bono . desmond tutti frutti . eh . lisa , help daddy find some normal flavors . candy warhol . xavier nougat . naw . nothin made of dead guys . whats in the back . hurry up . my hands are getting cold . ah choo . oh , my goodness . homer , get her out of there . aw . sherbert hoover . weve gotta get you home to a warm blanket and a cold compress . oh . those are eight dollars a pound , sport . eight dollars a pound times , say , oh , five pounds is , um  lets see . how many pounds in a gallon . oh , i cant afford that . unless  ah choo . i told you . im a financial genius . i buy an eight dollar lobster fatten it into an lobster and eat the profits . lobsters need saltwater . im way ahead of you . dad , the fish .  . son , im still fine tuning . uh , . uh . uh . perfect . ah choo . oh , you dont sound so good . wed better get you some cold medicine . no problem . i picked some up at the store . oh , homie . you made breakfast . nothins too good for my one and only . eat . eat . youre nothing but skin and bones . ah choo . how are you feeling , sweetie . much better . ah choo . oh , my . youre burning up . im going to tell the school youre staying home . im afraid i cant allow that . lisa . mom . no , wait . we can make a deal . you dont have anything i want . oh . the ocean abounds with fearsome creatures but none attacks its prey with more fury than the seaweed shark . the struggle is soon over . oh , you shouldnt be watching the learning channel . you need to take it easy . but im hardly learning at all . why dont you play with one of barts video games instead . hugh downs says theyre the latest craze . foolish dingo . you must find and devour the seven crystal babies or spend eternity trapped in deep didgeridoo . i am so scared . all right . i guess youre supposed to go through this stupid door . hmm . i wonder whats in this glowing barrel . what . nunchakus . those arent even australian . oh , great . so im dead now . fine . im sick of this stupid game anyway . yes .  . i am just four power wands away from an antigravity lozenge . hope i dont run into that weird little troll . hi , lisa . no . pause . pause . i brought your homework . we have to read this . the wind in the willows . its about a toad and a badger and a mole . i drawed on mine . is this my house . no . you live in a different house . choo , . woo wooo . and i shall rule the down under verse . well see about that , mate . okay . together , we weigh pounds . according to my drivers license , i weigh pounds . that means that you weigh , oh  . youre doin great . no , . yes , thats it . bite . bite . bite . lisa . oh , sweetie , you look so much better . ready to go back to school . oh , i dont know . i mean , i could risk it , but  no , . you just stay put . wow . you didnt even feel her forehead . how do i get that kind of credibility . with eight years of scrupulous honesty . eh . its not worth it . oh , i really need one more day , mom . i think the germs are regrouping . now , for breakfast , ill have hash browns , coffee and a short stack . and would it kill you to heat up the syrup . but i  might infect the other kids . thats a risk im willing to take . so long . welcome back , lisa . i trust you got the homework i assigned . the wind in the willows . oh , yeah . ralph brought it over . perfect . then i wont need to excuse you from the test . test . game over , mate . okay , all right . you can bluff your way through one test . mr . toad has a red blank . okay . skip that one . mr . blank needs a blank in order to blank his blank . oh , i am in deep blank . and the lowest grade in the class  shes gonna say my name . lisa simpson  zero . lisa , the president of harvard would like a word with you . nasty business that zero . naturally , harvards doors are now closed to you . but ill pass your file along to  brown . mmm . heck of a school . werent you at brown , otto . yep . almost got tenure too . no . not brown . brown . brown . brown . lisa , youre saying brown an awful lot . are you okay . well , actually , i do feel a little feverish . aw , dont worry about the test . just get yourself a nice drink of water . then come back and finish the test . i need a miracle . come on . you owe me . sup , sis . bart , shouldnt you be in class . i am . its a little something i whipped up in shop . mostly latex . what are you doin out here . weve got a test , and i didnt read the book . ill get a zero for sure . bart , what do i do . well , if it was me , id just take the zero . uh , but thats not for everyone . theres one other possibility . hey . i cant go in there . relax . theres nothing here you didnt see when dad boycotted pants . hang on . ill buzz you in . buzz .  . teacher and subject . miss hoover . wind in the willows . oh . here we go . oh , my god . these are the answers to the test . i dont wanna cheat . hey , . these are study aids . theyre for novelty purposes only . if a few bad apples use em for cheating , i cant be held responsible . forget it . id rather get a zero . good for you , lass . i got me a zero once , and my life turned out just fine . ach . whoa ho . thats a nasty clog . oh , youve got yourself a partner , have ya . yah . keep the change . come here , you slippery rascals . good news , my delicious friend . youre going to be a free range lobster . come on , boy . dig in . theyll give you a big , strong thorax . wh whoa . why , you little  oh , look at him cower . just like the boy . i cant stay mad at such a helpless little mammal . im gonna get you for that , you little scamp . here . yeh . take that , pinchy . i graded this mornings test over lunch and most of you did quite well . i got a b . no , ralph . thats an f . i must have spilled some kahlua . perfect , lisa . and you got all the extra credit questions even the one that got cut off by the copy machine . well , i guess i was just on a roll . dont be so modest , lisa . you earned that a plus . actually there are four pluses . no . thats drambuie . mmm . oh , so plump andjuicy . mmm . hes gonna boil up nicely . well , i guess this is it , old pal . this is your big day . waters boiling . quick . chuck him in . uh  come on . chuck him in . okay . lets go . in the pot . in the pot . but , marge , look at this little guy . looks like an ordinary  ow . son of a  feel that , marge . he likes you . and now for the main course  steamed maine cabbages . pardon me for asking but where the hells my stupid lobster . were not eating mr . pinchy . hes part of the family now . pinchy , i made you some risotto . what . you gotta be kidding me . dad . whats your problem , veggie . you dont even eat lobster . no , but i enjoy the smell . lobster or no lobster , this is still a very special dinner . ta da, , . lisa broke her own record by two whole pluses . mom . where did you get that . it just turned up in the course of my daily rummaging . by the way , i oiled the hinge on your diary . arent you proud of your big sister , mr . pinchy . hmm . hmm . oh . i am sick of everyone being so proud of me . thats my girl . cheer up , lise . you got a good grade without even reading the book . thats win win . cant you see the difference between earning something honestly and getting it by fraud . hmm . i suppose , maybe , if , uh  no . no , sorry . i thought i had it there for a sec . psst . lisa , check it out . tomorrows fraction quiz . ill give you the numerators free but the denominators are gonna cost ya . i dont want your dirty denominators . well , la di , lady cheaterly . can i at least keep you in my rolodex . no . i never cheated before , and i never will again . oh , i almost wish i hadnt gotten away with it . skinner on p . a . lisa simpson , report to the principals office to discuss the results of yesterdays test . we never met . ivejust received some rather unusual news regarding your unprecedented a triple . to be honest , im surprised and saddened  n no . not saddened . whats the word . ah , yes . delighted . what . im delighted to report that your grade brought the entire schools g . p . a . up to our states minimum standard . we now qualify for a basic assistance grant . its the greatest honor the school has ever received and its all thanks to you . your devotion to scholarship is a shining beacon to all who  stop it . i cheated . cheated . cheated . cheated . cheated . cheated . lisa , what are you trying to say . i cheated . you cheated . oh , lordy , . why didnt miss hoover tell me . she doesnt know . youre the only one ive told . well , then , one could make the argument that there really is no problem . but what i did was wrong . oh , very much so . but as long as we handle this in a mature and , above all , quiet manner well still get that grant money . oh , you really scared me there . but we cant accept that money . its tainted . now , . leave the money out of this . its not the moneys fault you cheated . besides , ive already started spending it . check out the new scoreboard . charge . im still learning all the buttons . well , if youre gonna cover this up ill just have to go over your head to super  intendant  chalmers . skinner . i am outraged that youve kept this from me . you were supposed to call as soon as the new scoreboard was in . tell me , does it play that song charge . oh , does it ever . you cant keep this scoreboard . because theres not gonna be any grant money . because i cheated . lisa , lets take a walk . a little traveling music , seymour . uh . good lord , what a dump . its not surprising . this school was once classified the most dilapidated in all of missouri . hmm . huh . thats why it was shut down and moved here , brick by brick . look around , lisa . that grant money could do a lot of good . dont you think those youngsters deserve a regulation tetherball . ow . ohh . we can buy real periodic tables instead of these promotional ones from oscar mayer . who can tell me the atomic weight ofbalonium . oh . dee licious . correct . i would also accept snack tacular . and for the first time ever , our computer lab actually has a computer in it . hi , lisa . hi , super nintendo chalmers . im learnding . aw , way to go , ralph . oh , shes a beaut . you cant beat a coleco . how many can i put you down for . a lot . please say a lot . i need this . i dont know . im not even sure we can keep this one . its up to lisa . what do you say , lisa . will you keep our little secret for the good of your classmates and your school . and lets not forget old gil , huh . the wolfs at old gils door . oh , i guess i dont have much choice . oh , thank god . now lets talk rustproofing . these colecos will rust up on you like that . shut up , gil . close the deal . close the deal . relax , boy . were not gonna cook you . enjoy your day at the beach . oh . look , heres a little playmate for you . hey , you dont have to take that from no punk ass crab . whats wrong with you . arr . its not his fault hes a sissy . someones been coddling him . dont look at me . i wanted to eat him . sorry . its usually the mother . you know , i run a small academy for lobsters like this one . we stress tough love  daily chores and the like . no . were not sending the lobster away to some snobby boarding school . arr . i understand . its hard to let go . uh , tell me this then . do you have any spare change . and now to present the grant money a legendary figure in educational disbursement  state comptroller atkins . whoo . thank you . im here tonight to honor the girl whose unprecedented test score has set a new standard in excellence . lisa . thank you . i know this giant check is very important to everyone here but whats even more important is the truth . what . huh . because , after all , education is the search for truth . no . no , it isnt . dont listen to her . shes out of her mind . and the truth is we dont deserve this grant and i dont deserve your applause . i cheated on that test . wait . how dare you condemn this girl . who among you can honestly say youve never cheated . on your wives or your husbands . what she just did took courage . and where i come from  canada  we reward courage . so i hereby decree that you keep the grant and lets give this brave girl the ovation she deserves . oh , honey , im so proud of you . you got the highest grade in the class . but , mom  the highest grade . okay . lisas gone . places , people . man . acting is tough . ill be in my trailer . oh , good old predictable lisa . i knew her conscience was a ticking time bomb . heads up . here comes the real comptroller . this grant ensures a lightbulb in every classroom and a high definition tv for the teachers lounge . now , wheres the little girl who made this grant possible . wheres lisa simpson . come on up here , lisa . well , how about that . smart and modest . well , i should be going now . these giant checks dont hand themselves out . okay , people , lets have a round of applause for the real comptroller . hmm . idiot . i know a liquor store where we can cash this right now . and so . thats one grade i truly earned . who left these muddy claw prints on my clean floor . sorry , marge . pinchy got all dirty in the yard chasing birds . but dont worry . i put him in a nice hot bath . hey , what smells so good . yeah  pinchy . pinchy . oh . pinchy . oh , man , thats good . oh , pass the butter . are you gonna eat that all by yourself . uh huh . pinchy wouldve wanted it this way . my dear , sweet pinchy . no more pain where you are now , boy . oh , god . thats tasty . i wish pinchy were here to enjoy this . oh , pinchy . shh . springfield . this ghost town is gonna be great . now with more gunfights . and more rootin tootin . and the tumbleweeds tumble at and plus a midnight tumbling on weekends . its so sweet of you to take us out like this , homie . come on , kids . three cheers for your father . hip , mom , dont . hip , we heard you the first time . hip , hey , im trying to drive here . hey , dad , that light says check engine . uh oh . tape mustve fallen off . there . problem solved . oh , come on . relax . she just needs a little lovin . ah , they remembered my birthday . come on , come on , come on , come on . start , damn you . start . two hours . whyd they build this ghost town so far away . thats why everybody does everything . this should be very educational . i want you kids to pay attention . founded by prostitutes in and serviced by prostitute express riders who could bring in a fresh prostitute from st . joe in three days bloodbath gulch quickly became known as a place where a trail hand could spend a months pay in three minutes . three minutes . i never realized history was so filthy . first on our tour is the whorehouse . then well visit the cathouse , the brothel , the bordello and finally the old mission . oh , thank heaven . lots of prostitutes in there . but there was more to the old west than just sex , folks . a lot more . if you look off to your left youll see a real old west hitchin post possibly used by bandits , possibly during some exciting adventure . and these planks below us were often used as a sidewalk by people who may or may not have been bandits . thats a keeper . uh , yes , sir . do we have to listen to you . well , no , you dont . but if you have any interest in history  im done . wow .  . have you ever seen so many robot cowboys . hey , robot , get your fat metal ass down here . first of all , im not a robot . and second , i got this metal ass in nam defending this country for lazy jerks like you . now whatll you have , partner . lets see . one , two , three  six whiskeys . all right . we only serve sarsaparilla , mac . no alcohol . you can get drunk when we get home . duh . hey , these cards are marked . now look what youve done . im sorry . i dont know what came over me . lets forget this whole thing happened . what the heck is this . a tea party . somebody kill somebody . what is it with you and robots . whoa . whoo . hello , sweet cheeks . look whos a little cowgirl . hey , mom , look what i got . oh , thats cute .  . did you get it in the souvenir shop . no , that security guard is handing em out . uh oh . better run for cover , partners . some varmints are havin a shootout . yee haw . you stole my prostitute . missed me . die , yellow belly . bang bang . uh , which ways the gunfight . theres old curly . he played the town preacher until we laid him off . but he still hangs around . help me , please . im sick . homer . but its funny , marge . the guys sick . uh , shouldnt we help him . he knows what hes doing . ahh . cant get a good sarsaparilla like this back in springfield . it angries up the blood . you like it , huh . up yours . can i go to the bathroom before we leave . we gotta get home . i dont want to miss inside the actors studio . tonight its f . murray abraham . but i really need to  f . murray abraham . theres a rest area . pull over . cant stop now . were making great time . can i go behind a tree . what are you . an animal . whoever keeps saying please stop back there better quit it . wow . get a load of that toilet . please go back . you can make it my birthday present . were almost home , dad . only a couple more times over the horizon . but i might explode . you just sit back and relax . im not gonna let anything happen to my old dad . oh , dear god . this mans kidneys have exploded . theres nothing left . oh , no . yeah , thats what happens when you get older . its one of those natural things . beautiful in its way . uh , actually his kidneys were fine yesterday when he had his annual checkup . excuse me , doctor . i think i know a little something about medicine . homer , with all due respect , this x ray reveals a textbook kidney blowout . which would explain those loud pops you heard . so youre saying i dont need a new muffler . i dont feel so good . maybe i oughta eat something . oh , im afraid your eating days are over . how long do i have to live , doc . im amazed youre alive now . oh , i blame myself for this . we all blame you . come on , doc . theres gotta be something i can do to help my dad . well , you could give him a kidney . a kidney . okay , fine . you see , the waiting list for a kidney is very long , and  i said fine . what is it about the word sure you dont understand . oh , thank you , son . hmm , ill take the left one . its good and springy . though the right ones not without its charms . pork chops , sloppy joes , hot dogs and pork chops . well , dr . hibbert said you have to build up your strength . besides , nothings too good for a wonderful , generous man like you . well , thats what i always thought , but somehow  check it out , dad . i rented all your favorite gorilla movies . gorilla squadron , gorilla island vi . apes a . whoo , the airline version . can i fluff your pillow . nothings too good for me . ahh , im the luckiest man in the world now that lou gehrigs dead . well , i gotta hand it to you , homer . youre really brave to go through with this operation . its not an operation , moe . the doctor says its just a procedure . no , . makin polenta  thats a procedure . youre talkin about deadly , life threatening surgery here . really . do you think its dangerous . oh , yeah . even if you survive the operation  procedure . deadly procedure . whatever . the point is , with only one kidney you wont be able to drink yourself stupid no more . now youre just tryin to scare me . plus theyll put you on one of those organ donor sucker lists . everybody who wants an eyeball or a spine or a vestigial tail will be after you . but i dont want that . listen , im just gonna get right to the point here . can i have your buttocks . i mean , if you die . they look pretty comfortable . yeah , i guess . and are those your original lips . well , actually , i  hey . quit harvesting me with your eyes . oh , yeah . that would look so good on me . marge , ive been thinking . what if instead of donating one of my old , worn out kidneys i gave grampa that artificial kidney i invented . oh , homer , that was just a beer can with a whistle glued to it . oh , but i dont want them cutting up my soft , supple body . why didnt somebody tell me what i was volunteering for . this is everybodys fault but mine . i know youre scared , homie . but remember why youre doing this . its for your father . the man who raised you and nurtured you . jack and jill went up the hill and  jill came tumbling after . the end . good night . is that the samejack from jack and the beanstalk . you know , son , i believe it is . and jack sprat . is that him too . sure . why not . good night . is he the same as jack be nimble and jack frost and littlejack horner . say , how about a little nyquil . all gone . ah , i love you , son . i owe dad so much . those bedtime stories began my lifelong love affair with the printed word . well , giving him a kidney is a wonderful way to show him how you feel . youre right , marge . ill do it . but if i die during the operation , will you do one thing for me . oh , anything , sweetheart . blow up the hospital . hmm . well , i said id do it , so i guess ill have to . thats my girl . woman on p . a . doc martens to podiatry . liability waiver . dont read it . just sign it . yeah , but all these skulls and crossbones on here . i dont usually sign stuff like that . it simply says you wont hold us responsible if you die as a result of gross negligence . its a standard form . i love you , son . i love you , dad . now dont you fellas worry . thisll all be over soon . and what the  we gotta get rid of that window . whered he go . i cant imagine dad running away like this . leaving his father to die . even i wouldnt do that . and im americas bad boy . its a heartbreaking situation . am i dead yet . no . how about now . no . now . ill tell you when youre dead , grampa . thank you . phew . im not worthy to live among civilized people . even those guys look too civilized for me . i can live at sea . the sea forgives all . not like those mean old mountains . i hate them so much . the sea wont stand for this . excuse me . im fleeing in shame , and id like to look my best . um , can i be a mate on your ship . preferably first mate . well , if you look closely , youll see this is a taffy shop shaped like a ship . oh , i like taffy , but i dont deserve taffy . hey , . whats that . krusty here to cheer you up as part of the hospitals last laugh program . last laugh . so , how about that hospital food , huh . i wouldnt know . im not allowed to eat . okay . well , lets have a look at the old chart . oh , boy . oh , looks like were both short on time . so ill go to the big finish . feel better . come back , doctor . a tramp steamer . thats perfect . id like to apply for a job . any job . if you dont have a captain , i could be that . arr . what other ships have you been on . ive been on that one . the taffy shop . good enough . welcome aboard the ship of lost souls . the name on the back says honeybunch . yarr , ive been meaning to paint over that . now come and meet the rest of the damned . did i mention theyre lost souls . well , actually you did . yarr , . ah , another lost soul has joined our world weary ensemble . hey , who are you guys . who are we . no one . where are we sailing . nowhere . do we even exist . who knows . hey , let me off this thing . oh , dont listen to him . we exist all right . we wander the seven seas trying to forget . forget what . oh , boy . here we go . my story of jilted love is long and bittersweet . if anyone has to go to the bathroom , go . i dont want you walking around during my story . my storys better . it has tigers . i was born into wretched poverty . so one day i stole a loaf of bread put it in the freezer until it was very hard , then robbed a bank with it . and when mr . dinkley saw what i had done i was banned from the car wash forever . forever . how awful . i would have killed dinkley for that . as you can see , were a contemptible lot of cads , bounders and tiger stabbers . come , stranger . join our circle of infamy . tell us your story of ennui . well , back on land my name was homer simpson . and i guess it is here too . i promised my dad one of my kidneys but i chickened out at the last minute and left him on his deathbed . good lord . oh , how could you . i think im going to be sick . i stole this accordion from a blind monkey . but you . you disgust even me . well , yeah , i know  thats the last time i trust the strangest people on earth . even the sea wont forgive me . thats the best sand castle weve ever built , dad . we make a great team , son . oh , i wish i had that kind of relationship with my father . or my kids . well , i guess its up to me to take the first step . hey . woman on p . a . dr . bombay , come right away . all right . this is it . no more living in shame . im going to show my family the kind of man i really am . all right . im gonna  arent you going to give him the last rites . thats catholic , marge . you might as well ask me to do a voodoo dance . dr . hibbert , i thought youd located another kidney for grampa . larry hagman took it . hes got five of them now . and three hearts . we didnt want to give them to him , but he overpowered us . dont worry about old grampa . im going to a better place . shelbyville hospital . oh , who am i kidding . im a goner . noyoure , not , dad . homer . dad . son . im sorry , dad . the way i behaved was shameful . i guess fear made me run away . but love made me come back . bless you , son . i knew youd come through for me . now , homer , this may sting just a tiny bit , but  oh , son of a  oh , dear . phew . boy , that  ow . hes waking up . oh , homie , im so glad youre all right . try not to move , dad . you swallowed a lot of motor oil . im sorry i ran off again . oh , i guess dad must be dead by now . when i get better and after ive built those shelves for the kitchen , well visit his grave . grave nothin . i never felt more alive .  . oh , boy , i shouldnt have done that . its a miracle . you recovered . what . what . hey . while we were setting your broken bones and putting your blood back in we helped ourselves to a kidney and gave it to your father . you butchers . give it back . give me that  na na . dont you dance out that door , you  ill get my kidney back , old man . you have to sleep sometime . i know youre a little peeved at grampa , dad , but youve done a wonderful thing . yes . youve shortened your life significantly so someone else can have a slight extension of theirs . yeah , i guess youre right . give me a hug . ah , i dont need two kidneys . i have everything i need right here . hmm . dad , youre tickling me . yes , tickling . hmm . shh . springfield . and now , the conclusion of our thousand dollar movie roger cormans titanic . were safe now , clarice . we made it away from that cursed ship . now i can relax and take off this stifling bikini . mmm . look out . behind you . well return for the remainder of the conclusion after these messages . well , id rather get a message than see another lousy commercial . people of earth , we have traveled all the way from space to attend the most astrotastic event in the entire universe . you said it , phil . its the bimonthly springfield sci fi convention . thats right . its bi mon . come meet all your favorite stars mark hamill , alf and many more . plus tag team robot wrestling . its the mighty robots of battlestar galactica versus the gay robots of star wars . stop . please , save me , r . ohyou , stupid little tramp . youre so boring . i hate you . ow , . remember , its bi mon . be there and be square . well , beats work . yeah , beats school . sorry , were all full . are you sure this is a sci fi convention . its full of nerds . hi , lisa . hey , lisa . guten tag . hi . people . people . this man has actually been in outer space . ha . nobody cares . this is one small step towards firing your ass . hey , wait . i saw that lost in space movie . you are not dr . smith . oh , the pain , the pain . the pain of it all . you have still got it , dr . smith . silence , you nickel plated nitwit . my dear boy , id be happy to show you my resume if youd care to meet me later in the food court . danger , bart simpson . someone has mixed an amazing spider man in with the peter parker the spectacular spider man series . this will not stand . pardon me , but i wish to tender a serious cash offer for this stack of water damaged little lulus . a , that is not water . it is diet mr . pibb . and b , i  oh . tell me , how do you feel about virgins who still live with their parents . comb the sweet tarts out of your beard and youre on . dont try to change me , baby . welcome , futurists , cyberphiles and the rest of you dateless wonders . and now to push this convention into hyperspace the man who put the star in star wars , a real burr under darth vaders saddle luke skywalker himself , mark hamill . hey , thanks , everybody . you know , im here today as luke skywalker but im also here to talk about sprint . as you can see , you stand to save up to cents a month over the more dependable providers . aw , talk about star wars . you stupid nerds . hes trying to save you money on long distance . star wars , huh . well , let me ask you this . how many of you have ever dreamed of being in that movie . me . me . me . well , youre in luck cause were gonna act out a scene and ill need a volunteer to play obi wan . kenobi . over here . here . mark . mark . mark . mark . pick me . my whole life has been leading to this moment . like hell it has . if anybodys gonna play obi , its me . step away , foolish amateurs . just keep back . keep out of it . the role is mine . with the acting and the groupies and the luke , save me with the light saber and the vwing , . thats not how you vwing . were doomed . doomed . oh , god . cant this town go one day without a riot . ya . gadzooks . where are my bodyguards . is there anything fluffier than a cloud . if there is , i dont wanna know about it . oh , dear . oh , my . lets cruise . use your light saber . what , and break it . you know , george lucas makes me pay for these . take him . hes the one you want . not the hair . back off , you freakin dweebs . oh , poor mark hamill . that swarm of nerds is gonna kill him . nerds . get out of there . mr . hamill . mr . mayor . come on . who are you . homer simpson , nerd buster, , and im gettin you out of here . i cant , homer . i twisted my ankle . you guys go on without me . never . follow me . how was i supposed to know its not a real spaceship . dad , over here .  . oh , my god . someone has to go back in for maggie . forget maggie . shes gone . ive got maggie . wow , that was close . well , thanks a lot , homer . well , its all  hey . i thought you twisted your ankle . oh , yeah . well , see the thing about that is  hey , boss , we were just talking about you . you call yourselves bodyguards . youre fired . fired , huh . who else you gonna find to take a bullet for you . or have his genitals hooked up to a car battery . ill tell you who . him . whoo hoo . homer , i dont think you were listening to what he just  i said , whoo hoo . as a bodyguard , your only loyalty is to your protectee . not to your family . not to your country . not to moo hammad . even during ramadan . shut your sass hole, , boy . these melons represent your protectees . throughout this courseyou , will protect your personal melon as if it was paying your salary . what . okay . listen up . my goal is to assassinate that watermelon . your job is to take the bullet . go . go , .  . pow . no . well , your dive wasnt bad , but i just didnt believe your no . i mean , you gotta sell it . remember , your no . is what gets you your next job . now drop and give me . no . better . you ladies are without a doubt the most sorrowful clique at the dance . not one of you fit to guard a russian rock band . however , your checks have cleared , so you all graduate . congratulations . and , now , in honor of your achievement here is the theme song from the hit motion picture , the bodyguard . whee ha . clear . oh , for petes sake . the pig is in the poke . you know , i really dont care for that code name . look out , marge . cat . i know youre excited about starting a new job , but could you just relax for now . hold it . whats your clearance . we just wanna get a snack . access denied . but , dad  homer , i dont want you using your new sleeper hold on the children . theyll be fine in half an hour . thats not the point . and another thing  i asked you to take out the garbage three days ago , and you still havent  hmm . still half an hour till dinner . oh , well . ow . its a real honor to be guarding your body , sir . just remember , you represent the office of the mayor . so always comport yourself in a manner befitting  quick , honk at that broad . good work , simpson . i couldnt be happier with the way that went . hey , homer , i told you not to come round here no more till you paid your tab , or at least cleaned up that mess you made in the bathroom that you  mayor quimby . homer , why didnt you say you was with the mayor . shove off , pukeholes . get out ofhere . these stools are reserved for the mayor and his cronies . ha . heres a couple ofduffenbraus , on the house of course . mmm , semi imported . keep em coming . your generosity is greatly appreciated especially during this health inspection season . oh , yeah , . right . health inspection . that reminds me . ha . your change , sir . were working on that roach situation . i swear to god . yeah , you should see the hospital . and after moes , we went to krusty burger , and the mayor got some more change . and i ordered a double double, , but they gave me the double double . and then apu gave the mayor lots of change for  dad , dont you see whats going on . that change was a bribe . oh , honey , dont be so naive . thats how the world works . sure the mayor takes a few bribes , but he also makes the trains run on time . no , he doesnt . trains are regulated by the federal department oftransportation . and recent studies have shown that  homer . thank you , mayor quimby , for honoring us with the school milk concession . well , the good children of springfield need their milk , and i need my  please accept this kickback as a token of our esteem . thank you , fat tony . however , in the future i would prefer a nondescript briefcase to the sack with a dollar sign on it . so , howd you get the nickname legs . well , thats an interesting story . it seems president kennedys father was  whoo . mini cannoli . hey , i called that . i saw it first . come back here . hmm , milking room . i hope you cows are decent . crap on a crust . theyre milking rats . milking rats . rats . im outraged . you promised me dog or higher . bart . no . hey . my milk . i traded my math book for that . dad , what a nice surprise . get that away from me . kids , i dont want you drinking any more milk ever . can i still drink it . go nuts . all right . you monster . how could you do that to the children . those wacky gangsters . what are you gonna do . and to think i respected you and defended you . you wouldnt even be alive if it wasnt for me . okay . well call it even . oh , my god . i killed the mayor . all right , stay calm . ill just use the body to stage an elaborate farce a la weekend at bernies and  help . help . his corpse is climbing the building . im alive , you idiot . pull me in . okay . wait a second . im not saving you unless you promise to get that rats milk out of the schools . but the gangsters will kill me . youre forgetting . youve got the best bodyguard in the business . now , promise or ill let you fall to your death . all right , all right . i promise . shake on it . relax , youre in good hands . now , come on . ill pull you up . wait , . wait , . not so fast . i can see into the interns restroom from here . did you know that this is how f . d . r . met eleanor . all right , pull me up . six queens . read em and weep . not so fast . seven queens . freeze , goombahs . were shutting you down , you filthy i talians . its italian americans . right , . filthy i talian . gentlemen , if you would simply consult my dear friend mayor quimby i am confident this can be  not this time , fat tony . the mayors office is not for sale . can you , uh , edit out the laughs . i am not so much disappointed as i am blinded with rage . oh , the mafia guys all mad . oh , what are you gonna do , call your godfather , huh . oh , godfather  break it down . its pure . pull the plug , boys . run free , little vermin . the city is yours . and so , as the rats milk is returned to the sewers  the circle of life is complete . fat tony , do you have any comment . i dont get it . everyone loves rats , but they dont wanna drink the rats milk . hmm . any words for the mayor . hello , mayor quimby . i would like to remind you that accidents will happen like the killing of you by us . arent you scared , dad . i mean , if i were fat tony and , god willing , some day i will be id just be stewing in my jail cell , getting madder and madder . oh , dont worry about that , boy . hes already out on bail . well , im off to work . youre guarding the mayor tonight . after fat tony swore revenge . its my duty , marge . besides , those mobsters dont scare me . bart , would you go start daddys car . homer . what . theres nothing to worry about . well , then you start it . all right . fine . ill take a cab . homer , im not sure its wise to go out right now . i was thinking of a quiet evening at home with the , uh  wife . oh , i get it . youre worried about those mobsters , arent ya . no , . i truly do want to stay home with the  wife . youve gotta snap out of this funk , mayor . im gonna take you someplace where you can relax and forget all about gangsters . excuse me . yes . do you have a table for the mayor . yes . why do you talk that way . i had a stroke . dear lord , please make tonights production better than othello with peter marshall . okay , mr . burns , fat tony , whats his fat tony .  . all right , fat tony . if its trouble with quimby youre after  please . i am only here as a devotee of the lively arts . but i do have something for the mayor that perhaps you could deliver . mayor , fat tony asked me to give you this . you moron . thats the kiss of death . oh , no . wait . maybe i didnt do it right . never mind that . just go patrol the perimeter . ah , au gratin potatoes . thats a quality side . no . potatoes are clean . the poison must be in the steak . this is a conceptual nightmare . i mean , nathan detroit would never wear this . and this song isnt even in the show . i dont have time for this . i got shortcakes to strawberry . now get out there , luke . i want the mayor dead . i want his wife dead . i want his cat and his dog dead . wait , . who is before the cat . just kill the mayor . y youre not mad at me , are you . hey , youre in this number . get out there and shake that moneymaker . but im just here to kill  that guy with the knife sure can dance , huh . he looks awfully familiar . i think i saw him in rent or stomp or clomp or some piece of crap . hey , pal , thats my head shot up there next to the pepper steak and dont you forget it . youre all talk , hamill . you never even finished jedi school . shows over , mayor . look out . give me that knife . no , its mine . homer . use the for  the force . the forks . use the forks . oh . yes . nobody messes with the mayor when homer simpsons on  oh , crap . oh , fat tony . what . what did i do . i checked with the doctor . he said mayor quimbys gonna be fine and i was electric as nathan detroit . what did you think of me . id say you were luminous , magnetic . incandescent . oh , cheer up , homer . i think you made a great bodyguard . really . would you say i was magnetic . absolutely . aw . mr . skywalker . homer , i think you know what to do . shoot . i forgot my light saber . oh , wait . here it is . get out of the way . shh . springfield . this is kent brockman , live at the monty burns casino . moments from now , the house that social security checks built will be demolished to make way for a casino themed family hotel . this must be heartbreaking for you , sir . im just thinking of my employees  all the cardsharps , bottom dealers and shills . where will they go . theyre managing your chain of nursing homes , sir . excellent . gone are such headliners as little timmy and the shebangs the shebangs , and the new shebangs , featuring big timmy . remember how excited we were when this place opened . then a week later we just forgot about it . im surprised they bothered to move it when they moved the town . oh , i can explain that . you see  five , four , three , two  all right . here comes the implosion . implosion . but i thought you said  hockey puck . don rickles zinged you , marge . dust . eat my dust , . oops . dad , we hit don rickles . im okay , but the puerto rican guys trying to steal your hubcaps . just kiddin im a nice guy . wed better stop and get the car washed . aw , whats the rush . might rain next week . hey , homer , your cars kind of dirty . really . you think i should get it washed . yeah , maybe . you listen to your friends , but you never listen to me . hey , thats great . all right , young uns , bath time . cover up your eyes and drop your britches . who wants wax . me . i insist you take special care with my collection of valuable and humorous bumper stickers  particularly this one which was given to me by a harrison ford look alike . no hablo ingles , senor . oh . muzak on p . a . wow . you cant find this stuff anywhere . seals and crofts . pablo cruise . air supply . whoa , ho . loggins and oates . and its free . ive never heard of these bands , mom . what kind of music do they play . crap rock . no . wuss rock . thats it . ten dollars . what is this , a car wash for millionaires . throw hot wax on him , dad . howdy , homer . five dollars , please . hey , how did churchy lafemme get half price . senior citizens discount . senior citizen . flanders . well , see about that . and once again , tithing is off the top . thats gross income , not net . please , people , dont force us to audit . now , im going to pass this around a second time . brother ned , if youll do the honors  i wouldnt do that , reverend . you see , saint flanders is as crooked as you or me . thats right . its my sad duty to rat out this man for defrauding a car wash . how , you ask . with a phony senior discount card . well , thats not quite true . did you or did you not use a senior citizen discount card at said car wash . well , i did , but  now , im not a fancy , big city lawyer  but it seems to me that a senior citizen has to be over . isnt that so . well , yes . and you are how old . i suppose , if you must know , im well, , . god , he looks so good . he looks unbelievable . whats your secret , flanders . goat placenta . monkey sweat . some kind of electric hat . holy water . its holy water , right . aah . it burns . listen , folks . theres no magic formula . i just follow the three cs  clean living , chewing thoroughly and a daily dose of vitamin church . and , of course , i resist all the major urges . all of them . you mean youve never splurged and , say , eaten an entire birthday cake then blamed it on the dog . oh . youve never licked maple syrup off your lovers stomach . youve never snuck out of church to break into cars . no , and double no . i havent done any of those things , folks . you name it , i havent done it . geez , flanders , youre years old and you havent lived a day in your life . yeah , even the boy in the bubble had a deck of cards . hmm . can you believe it . it almost seemed like those folks were making fun of old steady neddie . well , you may be a bit cautious , but whats wrong with that . some people like chunky peanut butter , some like smooth . mm hmm, , and some people just steer clear of that whole hornets nest . ill stick with just plain white bread , thank you very much , maybe with a  glass of water on the side for dippin . gosh darn it . am i that pre diddly . ive wasted my whole dang diddly life . hey there . look at that . everyones livin it up except ned . help . were being carjacked . dont get clever , old man . now take us to dress barn . where have you been , neddie . in the bathroom  not trimmin my mustache . what do you think . do i remind you of troubled troubadour david crosby . no , you remind me of silly billy ned flanders . would a silly billy sit like this . oh . rod , call dr . stein . all right , bart  fire in the hole . okay , no more gasoline . hmm . full power . never a dull moment , huh , homer . you got that right . throw on the mesquite , bart . mesquite it is . you know , this may sound just a teensy bit insane in the ol membrane , homer but i was wondering if you could show me how to have some fun . well , . so flawless flanders needs help from stinky pants simpson . yeah , i guess i do . welly , .  . clean wants to hang with dirty dingus magee . about it , homer . will you teach me the secret of your intoxicating lust for life . wellity , . stop that . will you help me or not . lets do it . so what about all this meat . aw , the missus will clean that up . now its marges time to shine . first of all , i get five dollars a day , plus expenses . seems fair . and ill need your signature here , and initial here . youre not really giving my father power of attorney , are you . of course i  oh , my stars . i cant do that . well , thats unfortunate . really is . all right . congratulations . welcome to the homer simpson program . so what happens next . one day soon i will come for you and then the game will begin . could be in the middle of the night . it could be when you least expect it . or whatevers good for you . i dont care . okay , homer , im ready to learn . whats the first lesson . just gimme the topic sentence . gimme that . thats your problem . youre livin up here . you gotta live down here , in the impulse zone . if you wanna be like me , you gotta make snap decisions  like this . were going to break the bank at the monty burns casino . homer , they blew that up yesterday . ohyeah , right . then were goin to las vegas  which is actually back in that direction . that sure was a fun trip to las vegas . eh , too many kids . oh . its goin on . i better call maude and tell her where i am . relax . i called her from the gas station . thanks , buddy . sucker . gee , homer , this all looks so garish . oh . the lights , the noise , the letter x . its its all designed to inflame the senses . im overstimulated . i gotta get out of this town . i dont think so . i think youll find escape is quite impossible . no , i got it . oh . would you like to be in the audience for my infomercial . help me . my daughters not talented . hey  lance murdock . if hes not careful , his scooter could roll right down that ramp . hes a daredevil , ned . he laughs at death . whoa . when i wanna laugh , ill take bob saget , thank you very much . and now , the indestructible lance murdock will jump his suicycle .  . over an audience member  and hell do it while attempting to open a locked safe on his head . any volunteers . oh , . pick him . pick him . homer , no . i wanna do something exciting but i cant just go from zero to like that . i i could be killed . fine . ill do it . where do you want me . on the x . you mean the one with the red paint . uh , yeah , paint . now , its of critical importance that you dont  yeah , . ill figure it out . this isnt rocket science . well , actually , there are several rockets mounted to the  boring . okay , hes cleared the ring of fire passed the ring of ice , over the dog do stick . hes cracked the safe . hey , flanders , dont spill my beer . oh , god . lay down . lay down . clear . hes all right , folks . okeydoke . lets hit the tables . my god , homer , watching you risk your life turned my beat box all the way up to rumba . i was praying youd be safe but t to be honest , part of me wanted to see you get splattered . oh , i think someone just had his first taste of bloodlust . hmm . lets see . whats marges birthday . barneys is july same as lassies so marge must be oh , forget it . flanders , whats your birthday . oh , leave me out of this , homer . games of chance are strictly forbidden by deuteronomy . seven , eh . seven a winner . way to go , flanders . the bibles finally pulling its weight . got any more holy numbers . oh , ive got a bunch , homer , but  i just dont feel right . oh , lord , what should i do . keep gaming . what . it means gambling . keep gambling . oh . right eo . one betting disk , please . one betting disk , please . watch and learn . and black . well , there you go . now , how about a drink . how do you do it , homer . how do you silence that little voice that says , think . you mean lisa . oh , no . i mean common sense . oh , that . that can be treated with our good friend alcohol . you might want to write that down . where the hells your notebook . you threw it out the  never mind . just pay attention . slave girl . oh , slave girl . more libations , my imperial conquerors . what . more booze . oh , yeah . two more of these , please . and for you , ned . ill have a shirley  no , a virgin  no , make it a childrens  oh , what the heck . you only live once . give me a white wine spritzer . spritzer  oh , my goodness , homer . wake up . oh , look at this place . hoo . we must have really painted the town last night . i have a pounding headache , my mouth tastes like vomit and i dont remember a thing . welcome to my world . oh , i did it . i conquered my fears and i made up for a lot of lost living . and i owe it all to the homer simpson program . the what , now . well , its about time you two woke up . well , of course . it  who are you . who am i . im mrs . ned flanders . gah . hey , smooth move , flanders . and im mrs . homer simpson . here comes that vomit again . eww . okay . okay . okay . okay . okay . okay . okay . okay , youre saying that ned and me married you two . oh , yeah . were hitched , all right . till death do us part . mm hmm . im working on that . ned , no . think of your wives . wait a minute . this could be some kind of scam . or possibly scam ola . we would remember if we got married . boy , you did have a lot to drink last night , homeo . take a look at this . aw . precious memories . i okilly dokilly, , schmokilly do . and do you , homer , take this cocktail waitress you just met to be your lawfully wedded wife . what did you call me . do you want to get married . married . sure . sock it to me , baby . by the power vested in me by the chicago outfit i now pronounce you husbands and wives . we are so dead . ladies , we want to do the honorable thing , so breakfast is on us  with full waffle bar privileges . but first , im afraid we have some bad news . the waffle bar is closed . im sorry . im so very  homer . the bad news , ladies , is we already have wives . well , you cant be very happy with them if you married us . you two fellas are the nicest husbands weve ever had  and were not giving you up without a fight . but , ginger , honey , i am not the catch i appear to be . gingers my wife . are you sure . oh , rats . no offense , sweetie . homer , why dont we go make the girls some custom omelets . geez . ive never seen anyone so whipped so fast . what are we gonna do , homer . my kids are gonna be traumatized . and then theres maude . and then theres maude . i dont know , flanders . having two wives could have its advantages . chop , dig , . chop , dig , . chop , dig , . you know , homey , theres so much more two wives could do for you . i hear digging , but i dont hear chopping . oh . a friendly bee . ow . that sting hurts so much . we gotta get out of this , ned . well , do something . this is all your fault  you and your stupid program . blame me if you must , but dont ever speak ill of the program . the program is rock solid . the program is sound . yoo hoo . oh , those awful women want their omelets . oh , how are we gonna get out of this mess in an honorable and decent  oh , nuts .  . i dont know . omelets have a lot of fat in them . forget it . youre married . let yourself go . theyre running away . aah . aah . how could a fat guy run so fast . hey . aw  come on , baby , show gil a four . craps . oh , no . why did i bet the company payroll . oh , gils in a lot of trouble . somebody help . our husbands are trying to ditch us . someone dishonoring their marriage vows . not in las vegas . attention , all employees . weve got two runaways . stop them . oh , no . a lion . drederick tatum . your behavior is  its unconscionable . the moody blues . cold hearted homer , ditching his wife while ancient ned runs for his life . chips of red and blue and white , but we decide which  can the poems . its ass whooping time . i want fatty . get him . get him . lets get him . what if we switched wives . would that help . for the last time , no . hello . our ticket to freedom . so long , suck  get out and stay out . las vegas doesnt care for out of . take your money and go someplace else . yeah . i really disrespect them . and dont you ever try to marry us again . we found some guys who know how to treat a woman . but , amber , i can change . will you shut up . but , amber , i can change . will you shut up . we were out buying them fabulous gifts  whats the occasion . because we love themjackass , . anyhoo , we came out of wal mart, , when suddenly , spaceships  homer . youre right , youre right . fifty spaceships beamed us aboard . they gang probed you , while i discovered an invention that blew their heads up and saved america . uh , do i have to be gang probed . would you rather tell maude the truth . what did the aliens look like . well , i only saw them from the back cause they were so busy gang probing you . well , hello , little birdies . well , hello , little birdies . not the eyes .  . my eyes .  . cover your eyes .  . shh . springfield . thank you , springfield . i love you . peace . thank you , cyndi lauper . just a reminder , folks . we do have a baseball game today . oh , right . im dennis conroy . and here come your isotopes . lets welcome two new additions to the team smash diggins and fishbone walker . lucky for us , they were sent down from the majors for drug violations . why do you hate the isotopes so much , dad . because i loved them once and they broke my heart . let that be a lesson to you , sweetie . never love anything . even you . especially me . but you gotta support the team , dad . theyre already threatening to move to moosejaw . thats right . like my mother always said youve gotta stick it out , even if you picked a loser . hmm . to the bitter end . first pitch of the game . thats a rotator cuff . his careers over . im gonna warm up the car . but theres only been one pitch . and it sucked . bases loaded , two outs , bottom of the ninth , and its do or die . thatll bring up babe ruth iv . of course , hes no babe ruth iii but the franchise is very excited about this illegitimate great grand bambino . and whats this . hes pointing to the right field bleachers . probably at a dying little boy . mom , am i dying . no , of course not . is he , mom . you can tell me . no . now hes pointing to the ground . is he indicating a bunt . yes , hes bunting .  . good hustle , kid .  . so who won . the losers . no , they lost . losers . but only by two points . they didnt resort to stealing bases like the other team , so its kind of a moral victory . with a little middle relief , they might even make the play offs . youll be in your cold , grave before that ever happens . homer , would you please stop talking about the childrens graves . all right . whoo . whats the hubbub . did moe finally blow his brains out . quiet . were watching the isotopes . shut it off . theyre losers . where you been . the isotopes are on fire . yeah , that sniper at the all star game was a blessing in disguise . now were in the championship game . championship . hmm . whoo . topes rule . well , heres a die hard fan . sir , your beloved isotopes are about to make history . any thoughts . oh , its a great team , kent . we never gave up hope . i want to thankjesus and say hi to my special lady , marge . we did it , baby . whoo . whoo . the inspiring words of a fan wholl always root , for the home team . even if they lose this game . they lost . those losers . no , . the games not over . whoo . not over . whoo . there you have it  whoo . here it comes , baby . real big one . bottom of the ninth , two outs . it all comes down to this . and heres the pitch . humpin hay zeus . he got all of that one .  . its going , our technical director today was stan kadlubowski . its out ofhere .  . topes win .  . isotopes . whatd i tell you . isotopes .  . whoo .  . ah , nobody touched my rumaki . rumaki .  . yea . isotopes . whoo . isotopes . isotopes . isotopes .  . you know what im sayinto you , baby . hey . a baseball field . batter up . go , baby . steal second . i think im gonna puke . hey , whos on first . touchdown . safe .  . hey , carl . isotopes . whoop . careful . wow . you look really hungover , dad . what did you do last night . last night . um  mm , uh , hello , big maggie . yes .  . yes .  . yes .  . someone trashed the school . what the dillio . where this morning the three rs stand for rowdiness ransacking and e responsibility . any suspects , chief . none . thats why were jumping to the conclusion that this was the work of no good punk kids . kids . therefore , effective immediately i am imposing a curfew . any kid caught on the street after dark will be shot or returned to their parents , as the situation may warrant . whoa . curfew . serves you little punks right . maybe next time youll think before  oh , my god . look what those rotten kids did to my car . the cops cant just slap a curfew on us . we have rights . sure you do . you have the right to remain silent . that was cold blooded, , marge . yeah . but its not fair . adults always blame kids for everything . well , if kids are so innocent , why is everything bad named after them . acting childish , kidnapping , child abuse . what about adultery . not until youre older , son . okay , go deep . ice cream truck . i was here first . get out of my way . achtung , babies . curfew is in effect . return to your homes immediately . i dont want to return home . all right . lets see some i . d . s , boys . you two scofflaws are violating curfew . im taking you downtown . oh , uh , sorry to disturb you , dr . hibbert . not at all , officer . oh , what a beautiful night . fireflies , full moon  and here we are , locked inside . kids , the carnivals in town for one night only . and theyve got cotton candy and hats with feathers . and theres no lines , because all the stupid kids have curfew . so  oh , right . sorry . why dont you kids play one of your old board games . when was the last time you played citizenship . energy shortage . hippo in the house . oh , the game of lent .  . cant we just go to bed . its only . fine . well play hippo in the house . oh , the hippos missing . you think thats bad . i had to talk to my mom all night . shes got problems . scary problems . adults blow . yeahjust , look at em over there . smokin their cigarettes . drinkin their coffee . scratchin their big butts . your metabolism will change someday too , young man . that oughta show little timmy and tammy scumbag whos in charge around here . gee , chief , all those gears and motors mustve cost a fortune . you gotta spend money to make money , lou .  . you wanna hold it for a while . nah . marge , kite . hey , there is one thing we could do . lise , no . its prime time . you robbed me of my manhood . thats petty theft . oh . dont go there . dont go there will be right back . oh , no it wont . wait .  . theres a commercial .  . oh , yeah . whoa . forty years ago a film appeared that was so shocking , so terrifying it was sealed in a concrete vault deep beneath the earth . but even the new management of sony tristar could not contain the pure evil of the bloodening . milhouse , do you see whats on channel . uh , yeah . its really something . a registered nurse trained in the treatment of terror will be on duty during the showing of the bloodening . now playing at the springfield drive in after dark . milhouse , spread the word . were seeing this movie tonight . thats right . were breaking curfew . come on . im breaking curfew , mom . were out of skoal .  . due to the likelihood of fear induced heart attacks were offering all patrons million dollar life insurance policies . life insurance . hmm . will i be able to borrow against the equity . i dont know , sir . it comes free with the popcorn . is that air popped . skinner .  . were losing valuable make out time . a little help . sure . lisa . nelson . get off of my moor , you mischievous weans . actually , we prefer to stay . youre thinking about hurting us . now youre thinking how did they know what i was thinking . now youre thinking , i hope thats shepherds pie in my knickers . wow . they showed him . man , i never liked shakespeare until now . right , you little blighters . weve had quite enough of your evil mischief . but youre the one whos been bad . youve been sneaking puddings . but  how did you know . we know all your secrets . and you pilfered the poor box . and , doctor , we know that you and the bootblack have been rogering the fishwife in the crumpet shop . lies . how dare you . get them . quickly . we cant have that . take that , you suckers . stick him with the pitchfork . way to go . in your face , fishwife . enjoying the movie , kids . listen up , punks . the moral of the story is the adults always win . for crying out loud , eddie . you scared the hell out of me . sorry , chief . dont forget to clean under the jowls . that spot is club med for mildew . and let this be a lesson to you . kids never learn . oh , that is it . im tired of being pushed around by grown ups . its time to fight back . yeah . fight back . fight back . man , if we had eye power like those kids in that movie we could read the adults mind and tell their secrets and make em pitchfork each other and junk . oh , yeah . wait . we dont need supernatural powers . we already know their secrets . shes right . homers done a ton of crap that never made the papers . my mom shoplifts all the time . stuff she doesnt even need . my dad gets in car accidents on purpose . great . this is all gold . we gotta spread this stuff around . lets put it on the internet . no . we have to reach people whose opinions actually matter . and i think i know how . why dont we  i can get my dads amplifier from the garage . yeah , thats a good idea . attention , hemline and midriff monitors . willie , get my windex . nothin but cats . so , marge , ready for another episode of dont go there . im tired of that show . but ive been hearing good things about talk to the hand . tom shales says the writing snaps , crackles and pops . okay . whatever takes my mind off my life . hey , look what i found . grampas old radio . oh , wouldnt it be grand to gather round and have a listen . well , turn something on . im startin to think . f . d . r . s voice a date which will live in infamy . good evening , adults . we interrupt this broadcast to bring you a very special presentation . tonights program is entitled  we know all your secrets . boring . go back to that infamy guy . constable wiggum likes to act tough but he also likes to walk the beat in control top panty hose . well , its not like thats a crime . has been stealing supplies from the school cafeteria . edna . how could you . dont get up . ill bus my own tray . and now we come to mr . homer simpson . did you know he likes to eat out of the flanders garbage . oh , homer . i have a problem . tune in tomorrow and every day until the curfew is lifted because well be revealing embarrassing secrets about springfields other adults . well , at least theyve already done me . and we have plenty more on homer simpson . doh . ive called this meeting to determine what to do about those blabbermouth kids and their creepy english accents . hey , shut up , mayor . theyre tellin secrets again . oh , i hope they dont reveal this is a comb over . our top secret tonight  gay divorcee luann van houten has been cheating on her boyfriend , pyro with his best friend , gyro . how many times have i fought beside you , gyro . and this is how you repay me . pyro . gyro . settle down . cant we shut down that infernal transmitter . cant we just blow it up . you go ahead , girlfriend . theyre the worst . yeah . say it again , girl . settle down , people . as we speak , chief wiggum is tracking down those little squealers using the latest in crime fighting technology . uh , i got nothing . how about you , frinky . i have captured the signal and am presently triangulating the vectors and compressing the data down in order to express it as a function of my hand . theyre over there . theyre over there . and guess whos been practicing medicine without a license . thats right . homer simpson . doh .  . freeze , you little shock jocks . brilliant . they transduced amplitude modulation via the concavity of that oversized beverage conveyance . i mean , that is some clever viving . all right , you kids , come down now . we promise we wont kill ya . speak for yourself . bart , get down here . im gonna spank you back to the stone age . you cant make us come down . you adults are always givin us orders . you kids are always disobeying them . well , adults treat kids like children . kids treat adults like cash machines . adults . kids . adults . kids . adults . kids . were gonna teach all you rug rats a lesson . oh , yeah . what can you old people do to us . yeah , you old fogeys . buzz off , you old  what do you got . youre all wrinkly . somebody should iron you . this is kent brockman reporting from my own home in accordance with the new curfew for anyone under . mm , i cant believe that passed . i warned you guys that seniors always vote in record numbers . the controversial measure passed by a single vote . you really shouldve voted , homer . it wouldnt have made a difference . lights out , you punk kids . yea . we took back the night . hey , fellas . hey , you wanna stop with the kicking . my pills are in that can .  . good gravy .  . i dont kick your things . when youre trying to breathe on the machine , do i go up and kick it . oh , now look at that . it went down the sewer .  . you happy . im gonna sue now .  . now its time for the lawyers .  . shh . dont tell me to shush , you stupid lady . springfield . hey , . settle down , children . now , whos ever wondered how the post office works . no one . i did until we came here last year . ah , yes , last year . anyway , look . here comes our guide for the day , postmaster bill . howdy , partners . welcome to your post office . wow . its ours . bart .  . be with you in a minute . this is the lobby where customers come for all their postalistic needs . legends of comedy , my tuchus .  . what has fatty arbuckle done that i havent done . this machine reads zip codes . these five digits tell us where to direct your mail . but its nine digits now . whats the point of these other four numbers . those are citizen relocation codes . with any luck , well never need em . shes onto us . should i flood the chamber . not yet . lets get some lunch . well , children , any questions for postmaster bill . you ever gone on a killing spree . no , . the day of the gun toting, , disgruntled postman shooting up the place went out with the macarena . well , im just glad i work at an elementary school . and this is where our employees gather to unwind after a hard day of serving the public . bingo . birthday card . graduation . ding ding . wedding . im sure you all heard of the dead letter office . well , as a souvenir of your visit you can each help yourself to one piece of undeliverable mail . ill take you . i got some dog food . i got my letter to santa . a coupon book . what am i gonna do with this piece of junk . happy birthday , dad . wow . a val u coupon book . lets see . ten percent off carpet cleaning . ten . two pizzas for the price of one at doughys . doughys has terrible pizza . yeah , but theres two . oh , free foot pain analysis . oh , marge . thats just a trick to get you in there , so they can cure your foot pain . i guess . see ya , kids . me and my val u book are gonna paint the town red with savings . ill start with a couple of pizzas , then a complimentary tango lesson . and ill cap it off with a smooth , refreshing colonic . um , dad . now , this wheel balancing is free , right . oh , you betcha . absolutely . uh , oh , wait a minute . these tires wont take a balance . they wont . nah , no . you hear that clunk . no . that tells me you need four new tires . really . yeah . legally , i cant even let you drive out of here . oh , please , cant you let me slide this time . gee , id really like to , but if my boss found out  whats going on over here . you gonna let this man drive out of here on unsafe tires . no , boss , i swear . thats it . youre fired . no , wait . this is all my fault . oh , if i could only turn back the clock and buy four new tires . oh , i know that look . you came in for the free wheel balance and now its costing you six with the tip . hey , you got off easy . i just came in to use the phone , and they got me for the whole road king package  alignment , shocks , armor all , stem lube . stem lube . even i didnt fall for that , although winter is coming . man , we are a couple of grade a suckers . wally kogen . hey , i know you . we were in the same pyramid scheme . oh , dont remind me . friends helping friends , my ass . say , you wanna grab a beer while were waiting . yeah . im getting tired of them pointing and laughing at us . the road to the super bowl is long and pointless . i mean , when you think about it . footballs so great . but now the two conference champs must survive a harrowing bye week that no one enjoys . bye weeks . bronco nagurski didnt get no bye weeks . and now hes dead . well , maybe theyre a good thing . yeah , how bout that super bowl . you going this year . me . nah . unless theres a coupon for it . nah . well , i run the springfield travel agency . weve got a charter bus going down to the game . you help us fill it , you can ride for free . homer simpson at the super bowl . dang . that was my last quarterback . now what am i gonna do . you . me . yeah , you . get your hand off my wifes leg . sorry . its a deal . hey , moe , you wanna come with me and wally to the super bowl . oh , absolutely . my favorite teams in it . the atlanta falcons . yeah , ever since i was a boy , ive always loved the atlanta falcons . yeah , theyre good , but i wouldnt count out the denver broncos . yeah , i hear that president clinton is gonna be watching with his wife , hillary . come on , lenny . i need four more guys to fill my super bowl bus . what do you say . nah . come on . nah . come on . nah . oh , come on . ah  yes . now that lennys in , carl will fall like a domino . im so happy youre going to the big game . my dream has always been to see the bolshoi ballet . yeah , . do we have any pencils that work . wow . youve signed up quite a few people , dad  the sea captain , bumblebee man , comic book guy , the squeaky voiced teen . i gotta hand it to you , homer . its really a good group . yeah , not a dame in sight . oh , thank god . now we can stop holding it in . all aboard for miami . i dont know if i can last that long . super bowl , please , and step on it . hey , wait up . aw , crap . its that pip squeak rudy . what is it , rudy . can i come too . forget it , kid . youre too small to go to the super bowl . but what i lack in size i make up for in obnoxiousness . well , sports fans , i see youve located the beer supply . so , lets all enjoy it in moderation . boo .  . hey , dont make me come back there . seriously now , if you have any questions just ask our team leader , homer simpson . or me . better ask me . its so nice to have a peaceful weekend together . yeah , im bored too . mm hmm . hey , why dont we do one of those craft kits aunt patty always gives us . hmm . oh . how bout paint by numbers . its so rigid and uncreative . okay . oh , leather craft . oh , those poor , helpless cows . mm hmm . what about clay . you got any problem with clay . hey , whats this . vincent prices egg magic . wow . what are we waiting for . now look what youve done . all right , all right . you guys have had way too much booze . last call . come on , come on . gimme an excuse . pro player stadium . super bowl . hey , all right . im sorry . the guys made kind of a mess in your bathroom . what bathroom . uh , okay , fellas . enjoy the pregame fun . i dont wanna be a panicky pete but its sunday and i havent been to church yet . no problem . the n . f . l . s got you covered . and that the wandering oakland raiders may someday find a home . lord , hear our prayer . can i get an amen to that . amen . cool . the n . f . l . s oldest surviving player . im years young . whoo . hey , troy aikman . so , ned , you like dune buggies . well , not my cup of  sure you do . everyone likes dune buggies . great spiral , daniel . man , that hurts . excuse me . coming through . friends of dan marino . okay , dan , fire away . im dans manager . this is dan . go long , son . yes , sir . im catching a pass from dan marino . this is the greatest moment of my  whoo hoo . homer simpson with a pick . hey , bubba , hacksaw , get that moron . uh oh . lateral to bart . doh . my spine . oh , honey , that is egg ceptional . okay , now we just have to stick the feet on . right . hmm . lisa , i dont want to alarm you , but im not finding any . but it clearly says feet included . they have to be here . no . nothing . i cant believe vincent price would lend his name to such a shoddy product . now what do we do . lets call the company . mom , this was made in . theyre probably out of business . well , just see . murray hill . hello . this is vincent price . its vincent price . i thought he was dead . you should know the grave could never tame me . oh , mr . price . i loved you in the abominable doc  if you are calling about the missing feet , leave your address and the replacement feet will be rushed to you by my grandson jody . and now i must return to the sweet embrace of the crypt . but ill be back . so , is he alive or not . evergreen terrace . springfield  oh , hiya , maude . come on in . who needs tickets . tickets , right here . how bout you , slick . scalping tickets to the super bowl . have you no shame , sir . i should give you a royal caning . hey , im just trying to make an honest buck . ah , get lost , you bloodsucking parasite . wally and i have all the tickets we need . uh , sorry , fellas , but these tickets are counterfeit . what . counterfeit . yeah , see , the holograms missing and theres no such team as the spungos and finally , these seem to be printed on some sort of cracker . stop eating our tickets . oh , how could i fall for fake tickets . gee , the fellas are gonna be crestfallen . yes , if by crestfallen you mean kill us . listen , let me talk to them . maybe i can smooth this over . my friends  they dont have the tickets . kill em . my friends  ow . all right , ill get you into the game . excuse me , uh , mr . scalper , sir . have i told you that i love you . forget it . youll just hurt me like all the others . okay , moe , i believe you had me by the throat . reverend lovejoy was working the body . wait . dad , look . hello . gentlemen , i have an idea . run . get back here . we can still make the kickoff . here comes the kick . ow . yea . as a doctor , id say hes had enough . but as a football fan  the catholic church  weve made a few changes these super bowl commercials are weird . just about ready for the second quarter here in miami . i tell you , pat , that wild first quarter blew out my telestrator . and now the fans are screaming for more . let us out of here . relax , simpson . relax . a little known fact about jail cells is they always have one phony bar for , like , emergencies . real . real . real . real . real . so by the process of elimination , this one is the fake . thats painful . ah , nuts . that sounds like a touchdown . no , . i know my roars . and that was most definitely a safety . oh , man . gosh , fellas , to see you all stuck in here when even guys in china can watch all the action from their town squares or what have you well , i just feel pretty doggone bad . if they were electing a president of dumbville , id have to nominate me . you got my vote . were never gonna get out of  psst , cleaning lady . would you let us out of here . me . im dolly parton . i didnt ask for your life story . just give me the key . young man , where i come from , the south , folks say please . and besides , i gotta go sing a medley with rob lowe and stump . dolly , wait . wally . you know dolly parton . yeah . i book a lot of package tours to dollywood and eurodollywood . thats in alabama . wally kogen . what are you doing in super bowl jail . ask her if shell go out with me . we had a little ticket snafu . do you think you can bust old wally and his pals outta the pokey . well , i do have some of my extra strength makeup remover . shield your eyes . thanks , miss parton . way to go , dolly . thanks , babe . will you go out with me . oh , look at the time . i better scoot to that halftime show . see yall . man , thats gonna be some show . whos ready for some football . football . hey , homer , weve been running around cheering for an hour . where the hells the game . you guys are following me . i was following flanders . hey , look what i found . whoa . hey . hey , somebody just scored . coming in a minute . hey , its the beer copter . what the bloody hell . hit the road , gramps . this is a private skybox . im rupert murdoch , the billionaire tyrant . and this is my skybox . if youre rupert murdoch , prove it . hi , rupert . uh oh . well , im convinced . tell you what , mr . murdoch . lets just split the difference . the boys and i will just crouch here quietly and take it easy on the snacks  silence . seize them . oi , . the game . were so close . follow me , boys . were finally going to the super  we did it . were number one . were rich . how does it feel . did you ever stop believing . does this suit make me look fat . players and v . i . p . s only . i cant believe it . were actually in the winning locker room . whoo . im going to disneyland . really . cause im a travel agent and ive heard nothing but bad things . let go . yello . hello . this is president clinton . hey , how you doing . your determination and grit under extreme pressure are an inspiration . the whole country is proud of you . well , its about time . and on behalf of america , id like to  ow . all right , lovejoy . youre gonna get it . hello . hello . i command you to answer me . hello . al , do you have to do that right now . what are you gonna do with your super bowl ring , carl . ill probably give it to my wife . its our anniversary today . dad , that doesnt belong to you . but this might be my last chance to win one . we sure put together a heck of a trip , homer . ever thought about being a travel agent . wally , id be lying if i said i hadnt . cause you can really go places in the travel business . huh . feel free to use that one . what one . welljohn , what did you think of tonights episode . i loved it . the last minute addition of wally kogen to the lineup was a bit of a gamble , but it really paid off . marge and lisa painting eggs  did that work for you . oh , big time . they came off the bench with a huge effort that allowed homer and bart to make some significant gains . did it strike you as odd that in a super bowl show with dolly parton we didnt see any football or singing . i hadnt thought about it , pat . but in retrospect , it was kind of a rip off . what a way to treat the loyal fans whove put up with so much nonsense from this franchise . any final thoughts . nah , im too mad . lets get the heck out of here . all aboard , boys . ive been waiting for you . now , ill tell you  that doesnt make a lick of sense . i know . just get on the bus . wheres that infernal clutch . wait , . ill get it . give it some gas , grandpa . oh , quietjody , . youre not helping . silence .  . springfield . the start of televisions second most exciting season  mid season is just exciting seconds away . door . locked . phone . unplugged . dog . cat . taped and corked . oh . and at all in the family . oh , geez there . they got me livin with an african american a semite american and a woman american there . and im glad . i love youse all . i love everybody . i wish id saved my money from the first show . oh , i cant wait . look , marge . i had a scorecard printed up at that all night scorecard place . isnt mid season just a dumping ground for second rate shows that werent good enough for the fall schedule . youre thinking of all the other years . this years shows are classics . theres the laughter family . thats animated . networks like animation cause they dont have to pay the actors squat . plus they can replace them , and no one can tell the diddly ifference . and now mid season kicks off with admiral baby . yee hee . were taking the entire th fleet to candy island . those are the admirals orders . its hard to believe someone that young could have risen to the rank of admiral . gee . i never thought id say this about a tv show but this is kind of stupid . hey . police cops . that sounds like a lethal combination . lets get this bank back to our hideout , and well break into it later . its the cops . worse . the police cops . this isnt bad . isnt bad . tell me one thing mankinds ever done thats any better . the renaissance . this is better . lets book em and roll . and thats the end of that chapter . you men saved my bank . id like to donate to charity in your honor . but , uh , i dont know your names . lance kaufman . simpson . detective homer simpson . his names like my name . oh . i dont get it , homer . youre a millionaire , and youve got all the babes you want . why arent you living it up in your palace in europe . well , lets just say i hate crime . arrest that guy . and thats the end of that chapter . wow . theyve captured my personality perfectly . did you see the way daddy caught that bullet . thats not really you , dad . hes just a fictional character who happens to have the same name . dont confuse daddy , lisa . homer , its just a coincidence like that guy named anthony michael hall who stole your car stereo . right . coincidence . another person wants to congratulate you for having a famous name . yello . yes , this is the original homer simpson . whos this . the debbie pinson , who was the homecoming queen in high school . yes , im still available . no , hes not . marge , that was debbie pinson . debbie pinson . no dating . hey , homer . homer , check it out . bottom of page . local man has same name . a tv character has the same name as springfield resident homer simpson . hey , youre famous . and thats the end of that chapter . wow . mr . simpson , sir , can i get your autograph . all right . whats the name . homer , weve worked together for years . its carl . you only wrote my name . um , i wanted yours . take it or leave it , carl . so , uh , what kind of adventure you gonna be involved in tonight , homer . mmm . who knows . maybe ill have to foil an assassination . or stop a peace conference . so they really based that homer simpson character on you , huh . yup . right down to the scarf . oh , there it is .  . nice beating , lance . especially around the eyes . it  say , wheres your partner . wheres homer simpson . coming , chief .  . oh .  . now what have you done , simpson . i was supervising the guns for toys program . its toys for guns .  . now you tell me . oh . simpson . hey , whats goin on . that guys not homer simpson . hes fat and stupid . hey , looks like they changed the character into a bumbling sidekick . no . no , he cant be . i know . maybe hes just acting stupid to infiltrate a gang of international idiots . yeah , th thats gotta be it . you destroyed that drug shipment . yes , indeedy . that was my insulin . uh oh, , spaghettios . simpson . hey , homer . that character is you all over . come on , homer . act all stupid , like you do on tv . yeah , come on , dum dum . do something unintelligent there . shut up . im not your clown . dont diminish me . gentlemen , i bid you fare  ow .  . ow .  . geez . what an exit . oh , man . whats he gonna do for an encore . whoo . i dont think hell be doin no encores for a while . i cant understand what happened . why did they change homer simpsons character from cool to stupid . the first episode was just a pilot , dad . producers fiddle with shows all the time . they change characters , drop others and push some into the background . your character provides the comic relief like , oh , marlon brando in apocalypse now . wish i hadnt bought a hundred of these . get ready , everybody . hes about to do something stupid . well , im sorry to disappoint you gentlemen but you seem to have me confused with a character in a fictional show . now , if youll excuse me , my fondue is just about  doh . there goes albany .  . uh oh, , spaghettios . oh , man . whoa . its that homer simpson dude . ha ha . people are laughing at me , marge . lets get out of here . forget the babys medicine . but her foreheads on fire . fine . ill be in the car , driving home . well , if it isnt that stupid cop from tv . ah , yeah , that got it . thats homer simpson . hey , thats homer simpson . your catchphrase is hysterical . please say it clearly for my answering machine tape . uh oh, , spaghettios . worst reading ever . how bout an autograph . picture , mister . come on , people . enough is enough . oh , its never enough . not for them . once they get a taste of you , they want more and more and more . that reminds me , do you mind if my nephew kicks you in the belly . okay . oh . aw , the flash didnt go off . you got another one in youjosh , . the whole towns laughing at me . even that cat out there . bart , kill that cat . okay .  . and that big yellow flower . homer , your growing insanity is starting to worry me . why dont you talk to the producers of the show . maybe theyll make your character suave again . hmm . i guess i could . but while im gone keep an eye on that weird lookin kid down there . bart . yeah . bart . uh  so i just wanna know , how come you made your homer simpson character so  stupid . well , i can assure you , it happened organically . it better have . the of us began with a singular vision  titanic meets frasier . but then we found out that abc had a similar project in development with annie potts and jeremy piven . whos jeremy piven . we dont know . but it scared the hell out of us , so we slapped together a cop show instead . police cops . uh , no , actually , it was called badge patrol . the network idiots didnt want a show about high tech badges that shoot laser beams . so we asked ourselves , whos behind the badge . police . cops . police cops . yeah , but why does the homer simpson character have to be so stupid . oh , hes not stupid . hes a street smart fish out of water in a world he never made . im begging you . im a human being . let me have my dignity back . mm hmm . doh . let me down , chief . im beggin ya . im a human being . let me have my dignity back . ow . now hes stupid and whiny . that does it . theres only one thing i can do . your honor , id like to sue the producers of police cops for million for improper use of my name . court finds in favor of police cops . next case . then id like to legally change my name . what name would you prefer . any of these will be fine . hmm . hercules rockefeller . rembrandt q . einstein . handsome b . wonderful . oh . im going to give you the only name you spelled correctly . from this day forward , your name shall be  max power . dynamic , isnt it . i love it , max . you changed your name without consulting me . thats the way max power is , marge  decisive , uncompromising and rude . oh , wait a minute . the family name is my legacy to you . i got it from my father , and he got it from his father . and he traded a mule for it . and that mule went on to save spring break . but this will be so confusing . the mailman wont know what to do . did you think of the mailman at all before you did this . yes . briefly . and what about the tattoo on my you know . oh , honey , they have acids that can burn that off . but i fell in love with homer simpson . i dont want to snuggle with max power . nobody snuggles with max power . you strap yourself in and feel the gs . oh , lord . and it doesnt stop in the bedroom . oh , no . im taking charge . kids , theres three ways to do things  the right way , the wrong way and the max power way . isnt that the wrong way . yeah , but faster . doh . we should really put that in the corner . ah . max power . hows every little thing . you remembered my name . well , who could forget the name of a magnetic individual like you . keep up the good work , max . mr . power . yes , of course . mr . power . so i want the monogram to read m a p o sir , traditionally , a monogram is just initials . max power doesnt abbreviate . each letter is as important as the one that preceded it . maybe more important . no , as important . very well . if youve got enough room , add some exclamation points and a pirate flag . the man knows what he likes . taking care of business . if you dont , who will , huh . trent steel . homer simp  uh , max power . oh , hey . great name . yeah , isnt it . i got it off a hair dryer . i like a man who can poke fun at himself . oh , hey , my canceled . have you had any lunch . yeah , but i usually have three or four . so where to eat . you like thai . tie good . you like shirt . marge , this is thai food . from now on , i want it morning , noon and night . when did you start liking thai food . when trent steel bought me some . whos trent steel . hes max powers oldest and dearest friend . whats this wrapped in a banana leaf . mmm . smells like mint . oh , i spit my gum in there . eww . whered you meet this trent steel  moes . no way . this guys a winner . he has a company that makes computers , or a computer that makes companies . you wouldnt understand . well , i guess your new name is really opening doors for you . for all of us . look . you are invited to a garden party this saturday . this is our chance to rub elbows with springfields young , hip power couples . like me and debbie pinson . wow . look at this place . the house number is spelled out with letters . get used to it , honey . from now on well be spelling everything with letters . did you wish me to destroy this machine for you . nahjust , park it . very well . and i counted the pennies in the ashtray . oh , look . its woody harrelson . i cant believe those pants are made entirely out of hemp . and theres ed begleyjr . and this one solar collector can gather enough energy to run this colorful pinwheel . wait . wait . i got it . i got it . very nice , ed . your inventions continue to impress me and the entire nation . marge . president clinton . oh , my lord . i feel like cinderella . me too . lets sing the cinderella song . eh , maybe later . uh oh . here comes lorne michaels . pretend you dont see him . oh , max power . trent said i absolutely must meet you . this is fabu  anyway , marge , uh , how do you feel about the economy . so i said , if this is the house of pancakes , how come i cant eat the walls . oh , you are too much , max . i thought i knew all the players in springfield . where have you been hiding yourself . well , i spend a lot of time on the couch . tell me about it . havent we all . i know you dont think youre good enough for me , but believe me , you are . hell , ive done it with pigs . real no foolin pigs . are you sure its a federal law that i have to dance with you . you know , id change that law if i could , marge , but i cant . aw , shoot . quebecs got the bomb . well , i gotta go , but , look , if youre ever near the white house theres a toolshed out back . im in there most of the day . attention , please . attention . um , i just wanna say how thrilled i am with this turnout . im proud to share my home with springfields best and brightest . hey , no problem . weve all been blessed with privilege and success . whoo . privilege . uh , but with privilege comes grave responsibility . what . we all have to give something back to the world thats been so good to us . give something back . boo . get a haircut . im talking , of course , about our endangered forests . happy little forest . we have to protect them because trees cant protect themselves . except , of course , the mexican fighting trees . somebody buy this guy a tree so hell shut up . can we let the wanton destruction of our nations forests continue . no . if a tree falls in the forest , will you make a sound . yes . to the protest bus . hey , stop shoving . im max power . whats going on , trent . where are you taking me . were going to try and save some beautiful redwoods . arent you coming , ed . i prefer a vehicle that doesnt hurt mother earth . its a go cart powered by my own sense of self satisfaction . oh , this is the worst party ever . i dont know . remember that new years eve at lennys . he didnt even have a clock . oh , marge , i thought it would be fun to be on springfields a list but these people are nuts . you cant blame them for having a social conscience . sure you can . bunch of no good do gooders . hang in there , max . saving the environment is a hard , grueling job . thats what im saying . see , marge . this guy gets it . all right . whats going on here . we cant allow you to destroy these beautiful trees , which have the same rights you have . tree huggers . something funny , nature boy . no . i just thought it was cute when you called him  all right , max power . eddie , swab this jokers eyes with mace . swab . i thought it was a spray . okay . shes second . hmm . dont give em the satisfaction of screaming , max . itll only burn for  hey , hold still . keep running , max . i cant lose him . help him out , lou . uh , you better call for backup , chief . leave me alone . go swab begley . he likes it . slow down , punk . uh oh . im free . whoo hoo . oh , no . oh , what a tragedy . that car was just two days away from retirement . this is terrible . um  so , trent , wheres the party bus headed now . well , im glad you changed your name back to homer simpson . yes . i learned you gotta be yourself . good night , honey . good night . oh , i almost forgot . while i was at the courthouse , i had them change your name . to what . chesty larue . chesty larue . try it for two weeks . if youre not completely satisfied , you can be busty st . clair . i dont want to be chesty larue or busty st . claire . fine . hooty mcboob it is . good night , homer . sleep tight , hooty . let go of those .  . shh . springfield . the start of televisions second most exciting season  mid season is just exciting seconds away . door . locked . phone . unplugged . dog . cat . taped and corked . oh . and at all in the family . oh , geez there . they got me livin with an african american a semite american and a woman american there . and im glad . i love youse all . i love everybody . i wish id saved my money from the first show . oh , i cant wait . look , marge . i had a scorecard printed up at that all night scorecard place . isnt mid season just a dumping ground for second rate shows that werent good enough for the fall schedule . youre thinking of all the other years . this years shows are classics . theres the laughter family . thats animated . networks like animation cause they dont have to pay the actors squat . plus they can replace them , and no one can tell the diddly ifference . and now mid season kicks off with admiral baby . yee hee . were taking the entire th fleet to candy island . those are the admirals orders . its hard to believe someone that young could have risen to the rank of admiral . gee . i never thought id say this about a tv show but this is kind of stupid . hey . police cops . that sounds like a lethal combination . lets get this bank back to our hideout , and well break into it later . its the cops . worse . the police cops . this isnt bad . isnt bad . tell me one thing mankinds ever done thats any better . the renaissance . this is better . lets book em and roll . and thats the end of that chapter . you men saved my bank . id like to donate to charity in your honor . but , uh , i dont know your names . lance kaufman . simpson . detective homer simpson . his names like my name . oh . i dont get it , homer . youre a millionaire , and youve got all the babes you want . why arent you living it up in your palace in europe . well , lets just say i hate crime . arrest that guy . and thats the end of that chapter . wow . theyve captured my personality perfectly . did you see the way daddy caught that bullet . thats not really you , dad . hes just a fictional character who happens to have the same name . dont confuse daddy , lisa . homer , its just a coincidence like that guy named anthony michael hall who stole your car stereo . right . coincidence . another person wants to congratulate you for having a famous name . yello . yes , this is the original homer simpson . whos this . the debbie pinson , who was the homecoming queen in high school . yes , im still available . no , hes not . marge , that was debbie pinson . debbie pinson . no dating . hey , homer . homer , check it out . bottom of page . local man has same name . a tv character has the same name as springfield resident homer simpson . hey , youre famous . and thats the end of that chapter . wow . mr . simpson , sir , can i get your autograph . all right . whats the name . homer , weve worked together for years . its carl . you only wrote my name . um , i wanted yours . take it or leave it , carl . so , uh , what kind of adventure you gonna be involved in tonight , homer . mmm . who knows . maybe ill have to foil an assassination . or stop a peace conference . so they really based that homer simpson character on you , huh . yup . right down to the scarf . oh , there it is .  . nice beating , lance . especially around the eyes . it  say , wheres your partner . wheres homer simpson . coming , chief .  . oh .  . now what have you done , simpson . i was supervising the guns for toys program . its toys for guns .  . now you tell me . oh . simpson . hey , whats goin on . that guys not homer simpson . hes fat and stupid . hey , looks like they changed the character into a bumbling sidekick . no . no , he cant be . i know . maybe hes just acting stupid to infiltrate a gang of international idiots . yeah , th thats gotta be it . you destroyed that drug shipment . yes , indeedy . that was my insulin . uh oh, , spaghettios . simpson . hey , homer . that character is you all over . come on , homer . act all stupid , like you do on tv . yeah , come on , dum dum . do something unintelligent there . shut up . im not your clown . dont diminish me . gentlemen , i bid you fare  ow .  . ow .  . geez . what an exit . oh , man . whats he gonna do for an encore . whoo . i dont think hell be doin no encores for a while . i cant understand what happened . why did they change homer simpsons character from cool to stupid . the first episode was just a pilot , dad . producers fiddle with shows all the time . they change characters , drop others and push some into the background . your character provides the comic relief like , oh , marlon brando in apocalypse now . wish i hadnt bought a hundred of these . get ready , everybody . hes about to do something stupid . well , im sorry to disappoint you gentlemen but you seem to have me confused with a character in a fictional show . now , if youll excuse me , my fondue is just about  doh . there goes albany .  . uh oh, , spaghettios . oh , man . whoa . its that homer simpson dude . ha ha . people are laughing at me , marge . lets get out of here . forget the babys medicine . but her foreheads on fire . fine . ill be in the car , driving home . well , if it isnt that stupid cop from tv . ah , yeah , that got it . thats homer simpson . hey , thats homer simpson . your catchphrase is hysterical . please say it clearly for my answering machine tape . uh oh, , spaghettios . worst reading ever . how bout an autograph . picture , mister . come on , people . enough is enough . oh , its never enough . not for them . once they get a taste of you , they want more and more and more . that reminds me , do you mind if my nephew kicks you in the belly . okay . oh . aw , the flash didnt go off . you got another one in youjosh , . the whole towns laughing at me . even that cat out there . bart , kill that cat . okay .  . and that big yellow flower . homer , your growing insanity is starting to worry me . why dont you talk to the producers of the show . maybe theyll make your character suave again . hmm . i guess i could . but while im gone keep an eye on that weird lookin kid down there . bart . yeah . bart . uh  so i just wanna know , how come you made your homer simpson character so  stupid . well , i can assure you , it happened organically . it better have . the of us began with a singular vision  titanic meets frasier . but then we found out that abc had a similar project in development with annie potts and jeremy piven . whos jeremy piven . we dont know . but it scared the hell out of us , so we slapped together a cop show instead . police cops . uh , no , actually , it was called badge patrol . the network idiots didnt want a show about high tech badges that shoot laser beams . so we asked ourselves , whos behind the badge . police . cops . police cops . yeah , but why does the homer simpson character have to be so stupid . oh , hes not stupid . hes a street smart fish out of water in a world he never made . im begging you . im a human being . let me have my dignity back . mm hmm . doh . let me down , chief . im beggin ya . im a human being . let me have my dignity back . ow . now hes stupid and whiny . that does it . theres only one thing i can do . your honor , id like to sue the producers of police cops for million for improper use of my name . court finds in favor of police cops . next case . then id like to legally change my name . what name would you prefer . any of these will be fine . hmm . hercules rockefeller . rembrandt q . einstein . handsome b . wonderful . oh . im going to give you the only name you spelled correctly . from this day forward , your name shall be  max power . dynamic , isnt it . i love it , max . you changed your name without consulting me . thats the way max power is , marge  decisive , uncompromising and rude . oh , wait a minute . the family name is my legacy to you . i got it from my father , and he got it from his father . and he traded a mule for it . and that mule went on to save spring break . but this will be so confusing . the mailman wont know what to do . did you think of the mailman at all before you did this . yes . briefly . and what about the tattoo on my you know . oh , honey , they have acids that can burn that off . but i fell in love with homer simpson . i dont want to snuggle with max power . nobody snuggles with max power . you strap yourself in and feel the gs . oh , lord . and it doesnt stop in the bedroom . oh , no . im taking charge . kids , theres three ways to do things  the right way , the wrong way and the max power way . isnt that the wrong way . yeah , but faster . doh . we should really put that in the corner . ah . max power . hows every little thing . you remembered my name . well , who could forget the name of a magnetic individual like you . keep up the good work , max . mr . power . yes , of course . mr . power . so i want the monogram to read m a p o sir , traditionally , a monogram is just initials . max power doesnt abbreviate . each letter is as important as the one that preceded it . maybe more important . no , as important . very well . if youve got enough room , add some exclamation points and a pirate flag . the man knows what he likes . taking care of business . if you dont , who will , huh . trent steel . homer simp  uh , max power . oh , hey . great name . yeah , isnt it . i got it off a hair dryer . i like a man who can poke fun at himself . oh , hey , my canceled . have you had any lunch . yeah , but i usually have three or four . so where to eat . you like thai . tie good . you like shirt . marge , this is thai food . from now on , i want it morning , noon and night . when did you start liking thai food . when trent steel bought me some . whos trent steel . hes max powers oldest and dearest friend . whats this wrapped in a banana leaf . mmm . smells like mint . oh , i spit my gum in there . eww . whered you meet this trent steel  moes . no way . this guys a winner . he has a company that makes computers , or a computer that makes companies . you wouldnt understand . well , i guess your new name is really opening doors for you . for all of us . look . you are invited to a garden party this saturday . this is our chance to rub elbows with springfields young , hip power couples . like me and debbie pinson . wow . look at this place . the house number is spelled out with letters . get used to it , honey . from now on well be spelling everything with letters . did you wish me to destroy this machine for you . nahjust , park it . very well . and i counted the pennies in the ashtray . oh , look . its woody harrelson . i cant believe those pants are made entirely out of hemp . and theres ed begleyjr . and this one solar collector can gather enough energy to run this colorful pinwheel . wait . wait . i got it . i got it . very nice , ed . your inventions continue to impress me and the entire nation . marge . president clinton . oh , my lord . i feel like cinderella . me too . lets sing the cinderella song . eh , maybe later . uh oh . here comes lorne michaels . pretend you dont see him . oh , max power . trent said i absolutely must meet you . this is fabu  anyway , marge , uh , how do you feel about the economy . so i said , if this is the house of pancakes , how come i cant eat the walls . oh , you are too much , max . i thought i knew all the players in springfield . where have you been hiding yourself . well , i spend a lot of time on the couch . tell me about it . havent we all . i know you dont think youre good enough for me , but believe me , you are . hell , ive done it with pigs . real no foolin pigs . are you sure its a federal law that i have to dance with you . you know , id change that law if i could , marge , but i cant . aw , shoot . quebecs got the bomb . well , i gotta go , but , look , if youre ever near the white house theres a toolshed out back . im in there most of the day . attention , please . attention . um , i just wanna say how thrilled i am with this turnout . im proud to share my home with springfields best and brightest . hey , no problem . weve all been blessed with privilege and success . whoo . privilege . uh , but with privilege comes grave responsibility . what . we all have to give something back to the world thats been so good to us . give something back . boo . get a haircut . im talking , of course , about our endangered forests . happy little forest . we have to protect them because trees cant protect themselves . except , of course , the mexican fighting trees . somebody buy this guy a tree so hell shut up . can we let the wanton destruction of our nations forests continue . no . if a tree falls in the forest , will you make a sound . yes . to the protest bus . hey , stop shoving . im max power . whats going on , trent . where are you taking me . were going to try and save some beautiful redwoods . arent you coming , ed . i prefer a vehicle that doesnt hurt mother earth . its a go cart powered by my own sense of self satisfaction . oh , this is the worst party ever . i dont know . remember that new years eve at lennys . he didnt even have a clock . oh , marge , i thought it would be fun to be on springfields a list but these people are nuts . you cant blame them for having a social conscience . sure you can . bunch of no good do gooders . hang in there , max . saving the environment is a hard , grueling job . thats what im saying . see , marge . this guy gets it . all right . whats going on here . we cant allow you to destroy these beautiful trees , which have the same rights you have . tree huggers . something funny , nature boy . no . i just thought it was cute when you called him  all right , max power . eddie , swab this jokers eyes with mace . swab . i thought it was a spray . okay . shes second . hmm . dont give em the satisfaction of screaming , max . itll only burn for  hey , hold still . keep running , max . i cant lose him . help him out , lou . uh , you better call for backup , chief . leave me alone . go swab begley . he likes it . slow down , punk . uh oh . im free . whoo hoo . oh , no . oh , what a tragedy . that car was just two days away from retirement . this is terrible . um  so , trent , wheres the party bus headed now . well , im glad you changed your name back to homer simpson . yes . i learned you gotta be yourself . good night , honey . good night . oh , i almost forgot . while i was at the courthouse , i had them change your name . to what . chesty larue . chesty larue . try it for two weeks . if youre not completely satisfied , you can be busty st . clair . i dont want to be chesty larue or busty st . claire . fine . hooty mcboob it is . good night , homer . sleep tight , hooty . let go of those .  . shh . springfield . and then the handsome prince realized he had to go to the bathroom really bad . but the evil ogre  barney  had left the mens room in the most wicked condition . so the prince went out back to the enchanted alley  thats not a fairy tale . its just something that happened to you at moes . shh , . anyway , the prince passed out for years until he was awakened by the kiss of a noble raccoon . and thank you , god , for the bad things adults do which distract attention from stuff im doing . amen . hes also thankful for your bounty , lord . good save , mom . night . sweet dreams , honey . uh , mom . will you help me with my project . i need to make a working model of the digestive system . of course , honey . thanks . its due tomorrow . tomorrow . well , thats too bad , mister . im not gonna bail you out this time . youre right , mom . i understand . all right . ill get you the materials . but youre building it . okay . oh , ill make the whole thing . okay . papier mache mix , pipe cleaners pig intestines and sparkle paint . youre a lifesaver , apu . all the other stores are closed . at . but this is the peak hour for stoned teenagers buying shiny things . whoa . its a living mirror . cool hat . well , im glad youre always here . but isnt it a little rough on your marriage . you know , manjula understands . i told her that endless toil is the only true path out of this jerkwater burg . well , when you have a free night , wed love to have you two over for dinner . oh , please . do not be insane . you hosted our wedding . the least we can do is have you over for dinner . it is payback time , and this time its personal . wow .  . that looks great , mom . some of your best work . oh . it sounds so real . i didnt turn it on yet . oh .  . im never eatin chili again . oh , chili . nelson , what are you doing . im solving world hunger . hey , youre wrecking it . what the  look out . its gonna blow . i hope youre happy , nelson . very . but i cant help wondering where i go from here . stop worrying , apu . the kwik e is in good hands . i am not checking up on you , sanjay . i am simply asking you how many pennies you have left . seven . ill be right there . no , he wont . apus entertaining tonight . if you need pennies , take them from jerrys jar . oh . this is why i married you . woof . what an outfit . you are one ma hot mama . you think so . i could not let you in the store like that because you are smoking . oh . apu . maybe we should not answer it , huh . doors unlocked . oh . marge , homer . welcome . yes , welcome . what a lovely home . oh , you are too kind , marge . i am sure you have noticed the many small imperfections that fill me with shame . oh , no , . if anything , your home makes me ashamed of my home . well , let us just say we both feel bad . deal . who is your favorite indian pop singer . oh , dont make me choose . shankar , oh , here we go . oh . sorry . good rice , good curry , good gandhi , lets hurry . mmm . this is delicious . whats in it . chickpeas , lentils and rice . and whats in this . chickpeas and lentils . try it with rice . im so glad we were able to get together . well , you know how hard it is to pry these two away from work . oh , yeah . homers a real go getter . yeah . im going right to the top . hmm . whats an eltdown . eh . i dont understand , marge . doesnt homer work a standard day . eighteen hours . nobody works that hard . mm mmm . mm mmm .  . but he does work every day , right . well , pretty much , except weekends . week ends . uh , say , whos up for a game ofkeneshkanup . you told me it was an american tradition to work all the time and never see your wife . yes . perhaps i stretched the truth a bit . but the kwik e , she is a harsh mistress . i think you just dont want to see me . maybe we should just close the door . maybe we should leave . uh uh . no way . i dont wanna miss a word . you dont know what theyre saying . im picking it up . sala seems to mean jerk and i think manjula means some kind of spaceship . uh , this could take a while , folks . thank you . come again . i hope we didnt get apu in too much trouble . oh , theyre newlyweds . theyll just talk things out and top it off with some lovin . oh , dear . hmm . either put that book down , or let me drive . hey , they stole our idea . see . look . oh .  . i cherish you , my precious . mmm  nah . to a heck of a blacksmith . nah . i already got him one . youre a peeling . lets never split . thats funny , cause theyre monkeys . so long , rejects . stupid cards . morning , apu . still in hot water with the squaw . worse than ever , i am afraid . my shameful neglect has made her feel unloved . now i fear she will leave me . oh , shes not gonna leave you right before valentines day . that would be like going to an air show and leaving before the plane crash . oh , you are right . there are still seven days before valentines . ah . seven chances to prove my love for sweet manjula . sweet mint julep . ill be at moes . hmm . come on , boy . come on .  . dad , the vet says we shouldnt make him fetch the sunday paper . good dog . good doggie . tax hike approved . bad dog . bad , dog . now to trim away the fat . outlook . eh . vista . no . spotlight . eh . mosaic . eh . id love to look at scullery week if youre through with it . oh , sorry , marge . thats in my stockpile . you can have this . this is about investment opportunities in yemen . give me that . all right . the personals . hmm . successful mayor type seeks open minded discreet cheerleader type . oh , thats sweet . oh , heres one . desperately seeking suction  hey , look at this one . its a poem . from apu . well , dont just gasp . read it . my darling bride manjula i hereby mend my ways . ill shower you with valentines for seven love filled days . oh , how romantic . i used to take out ads like that when we were newlyweds . the only ad you took out was to sell our lawn mower . we sold it , didnt we . until last night , i never knew apu could be so romantic . i cant believe it . he covered your whole bed with wildflowers . oh , im sure homer has done that for you . well , sometimes i find pickle slices in the sheets . and he says ive got six more surprises coming . i feel like the luckiest woman in springfield . oh . oh . he has trained a bird to sing to me . limo out front . tickets to opera , front row loge . oh . just once id like a parrot to say that to me . then the bird sang i love the nightlife with clever new lyrics . yeah . i hate that song . i do too . but it was sweet . women really like that sort of thing , homie . dont worry , honey . i got something really special planned for valentines day . its not that monkey card i found in the car , is it . wouldnt you like to know . a chocolate husband . oh , how darling . help .  . i cant breathe .  . oh . apu . oh , you are the sweetest filling of all . air . i need air . oh , apu . oh , lord , my ears are filled with nougat . oh , dear . oh , no . theres a nut in my eye . so then the second salesman says , thats okay . i just ate all the hot buttered corn . you like that one , baby . sarah , whats wrong . usually , after two or three truly tasteless jokes , youre all over me . manjula got to see la boheme . sarah , please . sarah , its a pill . and so with valentines day one day away all eyes are on the local romeo whose seven day gift a has been delighting his wife and entroubulating the rest of us . reverend timothy lovejoy says hes counseled a number of disenchanted wives , including maude flanders . everybodys marriage is falling apart except ours . see , the problems communication . too much communication . homer , ive gone through seven years of receipts and youve spent less on gifts for me than you have on temporary tattoos . but , marge , its worth it . look . the taco bell dog . yo quiero  hey , whered it go . here , boy . you just dont get it . this valentines crap has gone too far . edna wont even let me clap her erasers . my barbara will no longer pleasure me with the french arts . the gal im stalkin had me bumped back to feet . aw , moe . thats too far .  . and ask yourselves , people , whos to blame for all this . well , i guess we are . i suppose i do take maude for granted . yeah , ive done some of that myself . will you stop it . its easy to blame ourselves but its even easier to blame apu . hes making us look bad . whats going on out there . aw , geez . hes got everything but the shriners . hey , watch it . youre all over the road . we gotta stop that traitor apu . right after happy hour . i call side seat . drinking will help us plan . come on , apu . make your move . maybe hes run out of romantic ideas . no , not our lover boy . if i know his m . o . hes saved the biggest one for today . aw , gee . the mans just trying to show his wife he cares for her . how can we sabotage his labor of love . i dont know . gasoline , axes . i got some stuff in the trunk . hey , there he goes . lets roll . uh , homer , youre driving . not yet im not . youll know when im driving . and itll  tiffanys , eh . it looks like smoochies gonna seal the deal with a diamond the size of a dolls head . aw , man . hes making us look like a bunch of cheapskates . whoa , . my rope came loose . there he is behind that shopping bag . a croissant . what the  oh , thats right . they have breakfast at tiffanys now . only till . so thats it . the crazy nut , he went and bought her a sloop . well , this is one love boat that wont delight and amuse . wait , chief . hes not purchasing a boat . arr . its kind of you to deliver these copies of jugs . theyll keep my men from resorting to homosexuality for about minutes . look whos talkin . arr . well , this is turning out to be a total waste of time . not entirely . aw , geez . weve been following him for hours . you know , with all the energy were putting into this sabotage thing we couldve written sonnets for our wives or learned to tango or lovingly restored one of those antique  oh . whew . well , at least i got a hunk of moes hair . man , that smarts . oh , baby . we got him now . theres no escape from the airport . oh , nuts . we lost him . i told you we shouldnt have gone for long term parking . hey , look . its elton john . we had to make an emergency landing . its that damn chandelier again . whats he doing in springfield . i got it . i got it . apu mustve hired him to sing for manjula . not if i can help it , and help it i might . mr . john , im your biggest fan . ive tape recorded all your songs off the radio . oh , thats very sweet . have a grammy . uh  sir elton , my noble friends and i would like to dub you a knight of the grand concourse . yeah , its for all your charity work and , um for , uh , you know , teaching us , um , to love again . really . i did that . how the hell should i know . just get in the cage . what  oh . hazing the new guy , eh . you know , when i was dubbed sir elton , the queen paddled me silly . hey , apus talkin to a skywriter . so that was his plan all along . if he writes a message of love over springfield , were all screwed . hello . lads , dont forget your old pal elton . can anyone hear me . skycap . okay , here is the message . and please dont skimp on the  sarin . dont be frightened . that tanks just peace corps surplus . not so fast , apu .  . homer . what a delightful coincidence . were puttin an end to your insane valentines rampage . never again will good , lazy men have to what the  oh , no , you dont . hey , you with the scarf , stop skywriting . i have to deliver a message . its the skywriters code . i am so sick of that damn code . if you wont stop , then ill stop you . what are you doin . dont do that . aw .  . isnt that sweet . that must be for manjula . just once id like a love note in the sky . lousy message . dont , you crazy fool . youll kill us all . correction kill us both . i love you  its an angel .  . oh , thats neddies pet name for me . i love you  poppin fresh . oh , clancy . i love you  edna k . its a little run together , but thats what it says . i love you  cactus . blobbie . upsilon . oh , who am i kidding . homer would never surprise me like that . doggone it . you ruined my message . ow . whats the matter with you , crazy old buzzard . get off me . youre making me mad . oh wee . my humble love note is turning into a valentines day massacre . you think youve got problems . i just chewed my way out of a dog carrier . elton john . thats my name . well , not really . i hate to sound like a screaming fan , but  that maniac nearly killed us . shall i take you to the pilot . you see , because that is your song . i heard you . yes , because someone saved your life tonight . cut it out . well , the bitch is back . oh . oh , geez . darn it . why wont you die . prickers . huh . what . what in the world  roses . so many roses . just when i think i have you figured out , you fall from the sky with roses . roses . oh , homie . oh , theyre beautiful . oh , im gonna snuggle your brains out . well , i think i have a collapsed lung , but okay . oh . oh , i cant believe it . you closed the kwik e just for me . well , you and the health inspector . champagne squishy . oh , thank you . it should get you pretty darned hammered . shh . springfield . and then the handsome prince realized he had to go to the bathroom really bad . but the evil ogre  barney  had left the mens room in the most wicked condition . so the prince went out back to the enchanted alley  thats not a fairy tale . its just something that happened to you at moes . shh , . anyway , the prince passed out for years until he was awakened by the kiss of a noble raccoon . and thank you , god , for the bad things adults do which distract attention from stuff im doing . amen . hes also thankful for your bounty , lord . good save , mom . night . sweet dreams , honey . uh , mom . will you help me with my project . i need to make a working model of the digestive system . of course , honey . thanks . its due tomorrow . tomorrow . well , thats too bad , mister . im not gonna bail you out this time . youre right , mom . i understand . all right . ill get you the materials . but youre building it . okay . oh , ill make the whole thing . okay . papier mache mix , pipe cleaners pig intestines and sparkle paint . youre a lifesaver , apu . all the other stores are closed . at . but this is the peak hour for stoned teenagers buying shiny things . whoa . its a living mirror . cool hat . well , im glad youre always here . but isnt it a little rough on your marriage . you know , manjula understands . i told her that endless toil is the only true path out of this jerkwater burg . well , when you have a free night , wed love to have you two over for dinner . oh , please . do not be insane . you hosted our wedding . the least we can do is have you over for dinner . it is payback time , and this time its personal . wow .  . that looks great , mom . some of your best work . oh . it sounds so real . i didnt turn it on yet . oh .  . im never eatin chili again . oh , chili . nelson , what are you doing . im solving world hunger . hey , youre wrecking it . what the  look out . its gonna blow . i hope youre happy , nelson . very . but i cant help wondering where i go from here . stop worrying , apu . the kwik e is in good hands . i am not checking up on you , sanjay . i am simply asking you how many pennies you have left . seven . ill be right there . no , he wont . apus entertaining tonight . if you need pennies , take them from jerrys jar . oh . this is why i married you . woof . what an outfit . you are one ma hot mama . you think so . i could not let you in the store like that because you are smoking . oh . apu . maybe we should not answer it , huh . doors unlocked . oh . marge , homer . welcome . yes , welcome . what a lovely home . oh , you are too kind , marge . i am sure you have noticed the many small imperfections that fill me with shame . oh , no , . if anything , your home makes me ashamed of my home . well , let us just say we both feel bad . deal . who is your favorite indian pop singer . oh , dont make me choose . shankar , oh , here we go . oh . sorry . good rice , good curry , good gandhi , lets hurry . mmm . this is delicious . whats in it . chickpeas , lentils and rice . and whats in this . chickpeas and lentils . try it with rice . im so glad we were able to get together . well , you know how hard it is to pry these two away from work . oh , yeah . homers a real go getter . yeah . im going right to the top . hmm . whats an eltdown . eh . i dont understand , marge . doesnt homer work a standard day . eighteen hours . nobody works that hard . mm mmm . mm mmm .  . but he does work every day , right . well , pretty much , except weekends . week ends . uh , say , whos up for a game ofkeneshkanup . you told me it was an american tradition to work all the time and never see your wife . yes . perhaps i stretched the truth a bit . but the kwik e , she is a harsh mistress . i think you just dont want to see me . maybe we should just close the door . maybe we should leave . uh uh . no way . i dont wanna miss a word . you dont know what theyre saying . im picking it up . sala seems to mean jerk and i think manjula means some kind of spaceship . uh , this could take a while , folks . thank you . come again . i hope we didnt get apu in too much trouble . oh , theyre newlyweds . theyll just talk things out and top it off with some lovin . oh , dear . hmm . either put that book down , or let me drive . hey , they stole our idea . see . look . oh .  . i cherish you , my precious . mmm  nah . to a heck of a blacksmith . nah . i already got him one . youre a peeling . lets never split . thats funny , cause theyre monkeys . so long , rejects . stupid cards . morning , apu . still in hot water with the squaw . worse than ever , i am afraid . my shameful neglect has made her feel unloved . now i fear she will leave me . oh , shes not gonna leave you right before valentines day . that would be like going to an air show and leaving before the plane crash . oh , you are right . there are still seven days before valentines . ah . seven chances to prove my love for sweet manjula . sweet mint julep . ill be at moes . hmm . come on , boy . come on .  . dad , the vet says we shouldnt make him fetch the sunday paper . good dog . good doggie . tax hike approved . bad dog . bad , dog . now to trim away the fat . outlook . eh . vista . no . spotlight . eh . mosaic . eh . id love to look at scullery week if youre through with it . oh , sorry , marge . thats in my stockpile . you can have this . this is about investment opportunities in yemen . give me that . all right . the personals . hmm . successful mayor type seeks open minded discreet cheerleader type . oh , thats sweet . oh , heres one . desperately seeking suction  hey , look at this one . its a poem . from apu . well , dont just gasp . read it . my darling bride manjula i hereby mend my ways . ill shower you with valentines for seven love filled days . oh , how romantic . i used to take out ads like that when we were newlyweds . the only ad you took out was to sell our lawn mower . we sold it , didnt we . until last night , i never knew apu could be so romantic . i cant believe it . he covered your whole bed with wildflowers . oh , im sure homer has done that for you . well , sometimes i find pickle slices in the sheets . and he says ive got six more surprises coming . i feel like the luckiest woman in springfield . oh . oh . he has trained a bird to sing to me . limo out front . tickets to opera , front row loge . oh . just once id like a parrot to say that to me . then the bird sang i love the nightlife with clever new lyrics . yeah . i hate that song . i do too . but it was sweet . women really like that sort of thing , homie . dont worry , honey . i got something really special planned for valentines day . its not that monkey card i found in the car , is it . wouldnt you like to know . a chocolate husband . oh , how darling . help .  . i cant breathe .  . oh . apu . oh , you are the sweetest filling of all . air . i need air . oh , apu . oh , lord , my ears are filled with nougat . oh , dear . oh , no . theres a nut in my eye . so then the second salesman says , thats okay . i just ate all the hot buttered corn . you like that one , baby . sarah , whats wrong . usually , after two or three truly tasteless jokes , youre all over me . manjula got to see la boheme . sarah , please . sarah , its a pill . and so with valentines day one day away all eyes are on the local romeo whose seven day gift a has been delighting his wife and entroubulating the rest of us . reverend timothy lovejoy says hes counseled a number of disenchanted wives , including maude flanders . everybodys marriage is falling apart except ours . see , the problems communication . too much communication . homer , ive gone through seven years of receipts and youve spent less on gifts for me than you have on temporary tattoos . but , marge , its worth it . look . the taco bell dog . yo quiero  hey , whered it go . here , boy . you just dont get it . this valentines crap has gone too far . edna wont even let me clap her erasers . my barbara will no longer pleasure me with the french arts . the gal im stalkin had me bumped back to feet . aw , moe . thats too far .  . and ask yourselves , people , whos to blame for all this . well , i guess we are . i suppose i do take maude for granted . yeah , ive done some of that myself . will you stop it . its easy to blame ourselves but its even easier to blame apu . hes making us look bad . whats going on out there . aw , geez . hes got everything but the shriners . hey , watch it . youre all over the road . we gotta stop that traitor apu . right after happy hour . i call side seat . drinking will help us plan . come on , apu . make your move . maybe hes run out of romantic ideas . no , not our lover boy . if i know his m . o . hes saved the biggest one for today . aw , gee . the mans just trying to show his wife he cares for her . how can we sabotage his labor of love . i dont know . gasoline , axes . i got some stuff in the trunk . hey , there he goes . lets roll . uh , homer , youre driving . not yet im not . youll know when im driving . and itll  tiffanys , eh . it looks like smoochies gonna seal the deal with a diamond the size of a dolls head . aw , man . hes making us look like a bunch of cheapskates . whoa , . my rope came loose . there he is behind that shopping bag . a croissant . what the  oh , thats right . they have breakfast at tiffanys now . only till . so thats it . the crazy nut , he went and bought her a sloop . well , this is one love boat that wont delight and amuse . wait , chief . hes not purchasing a boat . arr . its kind of you to deliver these copies of jugs . theyll keep my men from resorting to homosexuality for about minutes . look whos talkin . arr . well , this is turning out to be a total waste of time . not entirely . aw , geez . weve been following him for hours . you know , with all the energy were putting into this sabotage thing we couldve written sonnets for our wives or learned to tango or lovingly restored one of those antique  oh . whew . well , at least i got a hunk of moes hair . man , that smarts . oh , baby . we got him now . theres no escape from the airport . oh , nuts . we lost him . i told you we shouldnt have gone for long term parking . hey , look . its elton john . we had to make an emergency landing . its that damn chandelier again . whats he doing in springfield . i got it . i got it . apu mustve hired him to sing for manjula . not if i can help it , and help it i might . mr . john , im your biggest fan . ive tape recorded all your songs off the radio . oh , thats very sweet . have a grammy . uh  sir elton , my noble friends and i would like to dub you a knight of the grand concourse . yeah , its for all your charity work and , um for , uh , you know , teaching us , um , to love again . really . i did that . how the hell should i know . just get in the cage . what  oh . hazing the new guy , eh . you know , when i was dubbed sir elton , the queen paddled me silly . hey , apus talkin to a skywriter . so that was his plan all along . if he writes a message of love over springfield , were all screwed . hello . lads , dont forget your old pal elton . can anyone hear me . skycap . okay , here is the message . and please dont skimp on the  sarin . dont be frightened . that tanks just peace corps surplus . not so fast , apu .  . homer . what a delightful coincidence . were puttin an end to your insane valentines rampage . never again will good , lazy men have to what the  oh , no , you dont . hey , you with the scarf , stop skywriting . i have to deliver a message . its the skywriters code . i am so sick of that damn code . if you wont stop , then ill stop you . what are you doin . dont do that . aw .  . isnt that sweet . that must be for manjula . just once id like a love note in the sky . lousy message . dont , you crazy fool . youll kill us all . correction kill us both . i love you  its an angel .  . oh , thats neddies pet name for me . i love you  poppin fresh . oh , clancy . i love you  edna k . its a little run together , but thats what it says . i love you  cactus . blobbie . upsilon . oh , who am i kidding . homer would never surprise me like that . doggone it . you ruined my message . ow . whats the matter with you , crazy old buzzard . get off me . youre making me mad . oh wee . my humble love note is turning into a valentines day massacre . you think youve got problems . i just chewed my way out of a dog carrier . elton john . thats my name . well , not really . i hate to sound like a screaming fan , but  that maniac nearly killed us . shall i take you to the pilot . you see , because that is your song . i heard you . yes , because someone saved your life tonight . cut it out . well , the bitch is back . oh . oh , geez . darn it . why wont you die . prickers . huh . what . what in the world  roses . so many roses . just when i think i have you figured out , you fall from the sky with roses . roses . oh , homie . oh , theyre beautiful . oh , im gonna snuggle your brains out . well , i think i have a collapsed lung , but okay . oh . oh , i cant believe it . you closed the kwik e just for me . well , you and the health inspector . champagne squishy . oh , thank you . it should get you pretty darned hammered . shh . springfield . whoa . i didnt think it was physically possible , but this both sucks and blows . whew . mercy . good evening . our old friend noah webster defines laughter as the act or sound of laughing . ha ha .  . well illustrated , nelson . and now , fasten your funny bones for groundskeeper  oh . or should i say grinskeeper . no , im sorry . groundskeeper was correct . willie . how many of you hail from the fair city of edinburgh . so , have you noticed how north edinburgh golfers putt like this and south edinburgh golfers putt like this . eh . eh . oh , i see . willies not funny unless hes down on his knees scooping up your little brats puke . thank you . youve been great . kill me . well , seymour , it seems we put together a baseball team , and i was wondering  whos on first . yes . not the pronoun , but rather a player with the unlikely name of who is on first . yes . well , thats just great , seymour . weve been out here six seconds . youve already managed to blow the routine . sexless freak . well , seems as though were just about at the halfway point so why dont we call it intermission . whoa . dont go too far . if you like cafeteria workers in beatle wigs with tennis racket guitars you wont want to miss the second half . oh , no . no . you drive . i eat . dad , you were supposed to pay for those snacks . i saw krabappels butt . i paid . whoopsie . mm , this could take a minute . theres an opening , mom . i dont know . i  hate to change lanes once i get going . thats really for race car drivers . mom , to your left . hes letting you in . go . come on , mom .  . gun it , woman .  . no . no . as soon as i get over , that lane will stop moving . erma bombeck said so , and dave barry agrees . aw . you suck , marge . come on . move it , you clowns . what in blazes . so long , schlubs . wow . did you see that thing , marge . so powerful . so commanding . so forceful and raw . it didnt ask . it just took . oh , canyonero . go ahead . drool all you want . you cant hurt that finish . now , rainwater  thatll strip it right off . ah , i shouldnt have said that . im gil . hey , a red one . can i buy that . please . well , you  if you  really . wha  ha . hot dog . a sale . huh . ill take it from here , gil . no . wait . ah , no . you cant take my sale . my wifes gonna leave me if i dont start bringing in the green . come on . let me have this one , stan . im begging you . look at me . im begging you , stan . mm hmm . lets go write this up , shall we . honey , you shouldve seen me with my last customer . i  no , but i came so close . this guy was  whose voice is that . is that fred . ah , you said it was over . no , dont put him on . hello , fred . h hi . okay . youve got the undercoating clear coating , rustproofing , under guard spray gravel guard xj , vita seal, , repels it but if you want to protect the paint , you better keep it in this tent . will do . okay . heres how your lease breaks down this is your down payment , then heres your monthly , and theres your weekly . and thats it , right . yup . oh , then after your final monthly payment , theres the routine c . b . p . or crippling balloon payment . but thats not for a while , right . right . sweet . whoo . hello . whoo . hey , baby . oh . sorry , homer . we thought you were one of those hot to soccer moms . yeah . you dont see many men driving the f series . huh . see . instead of a cigarette lighter , its got a lipstick holder . ah , crap . its a girls car . i cant drive this . oh , sure , you can , doll face . pretty thing like you can do whatever she wants . shut up . screw you guys . lousy fseries frilly , girlie , fruity car . wheres your keys . im taking your car to work . you cashed in your to buy that stupid canyonero . why cant you drive it . are you saying im gay . because if thats what you think , then just come right out and say it . i dont think youre gay . i just have to do my grocery shopping . now , please , give me my keys . fine . ha ha . sucker . oh . good lord . how am i supposed to get in this beast . hmm . well , thats a nice feature . not much headroom though . oh . oh , i guess i can drive it for a little while . but , mom , i read that sport utility vehicles are more likely to be involved in fatal accidents . fatal to the people in the other car . lets roll . hang on . the manual says i need to log on to the onboard computer . m a . hello , marge . where would you like to go today . no one has ever asked me that before in my life . well , thats a first . ive never been able to fit grocery bags into one car before . ew . why is courtney love on the wheaties box . hmm . i thought it was sandy duncan . uh oh . gridlock at . oh , crud . and were so close to the house . um , i dont want to alarm you , but the ice creams starting to go south . hmm . mm hmm . hey , give me some of that . mom . bart sprayed whipped cream in my eye . i did not . kids , cut it out . all right . hey . come on , mom . just cut across the field . oh , i dont know . it doesnt seem right . do you want to spend your whole life doing whats right . of course not . lets do it . whoa . you the man , mom . out of my way , nature . look at me , lise . im baron von chicken pants . bart , thats tomorrow nights dinner . youre tomorrow nights dinner . mom . bart took what i said and turned it into an insult . thats nice , dear . okay , mr . peanut , you think you can keep  a three chambered peanut . marge , look what i did . come quick . hurry . marge . marge . marge , youve been out there all morning . so . so , lying on the couch and eating stuff isnt the same if you arent around to see it . oh , ill come watch you do nothing after i try out my new high intensity halogen headlights . nobody will ever cut me off again . ah , please come in . maggie smells bad , and the cat wants something , but i dont know what . im almost done . and tell bart to get out of my purse . s . u . v . coming through . open up for marge . thank you . thank  whoa .  . and daylight .  . come on .  . come on .  . geez . try the gas pedal , grandma . its right there next to the brake . oh , for gods s  go back to new jersey . come on , come on . get that corpse off the road . the streets are for the living . whoa . slow down , you maniac . show some respect for this coffin full of bricks representing a young man lost at sea . hey . oh , great . what did i do . this better be important . can the sweet talk , thelma louise . you have a serious mental illness . the technical term is road rage . ill see you tomorrow morning at traffic school , speedy . and you got exactly five seconds to get out of my sight . why are the pretty ones always insane . okay . i assume you all know why youre here . thats right . youre all angry sick people . but over these next eight hours , you will be broken down to the level of infants then rebuilt as functional members of society then broken down again , then lunch then , if theres time , rebuilt once more . all right , roll it , lou . hello . im sergeant crew and im here to talk to you about road rage . duh . quiet , fatso . the sergeants talking . go on , dear . in these modern , hectic days of fast food answering machines and one night stands , people are getting angrier . now , what youre about to see is not pretty . cut me off , will you . learn to drive , dimwit . i sentence you to kiss my ass . look familiar . it should . anger is what makes america great . but you must find the proper outlet for your rage . fire a weapon at your television screen pick a fight with someone weaker than you or write a threatening letter to a celebrity . so when you go out for a drive remember to leave your murderous anger where it belongs  at home . and as if that film wasnt enough , we have a special guest . why , its curtis e . bear , the courtesy bear . for the next three hours , this bear will take your verbal and physical abuse with good nature and aplomb . so , if youll all just grab one of these two by um , chief , can i at least shield my crotch . bears cant talk , eddie . well , simpson , did you learn something today . oh , did i ever . and that herbal anger rinse just washed the rage right out of me . and remember , midge , you feel the need to rage , you call me , right . i wont even get sexual or nothin  unless thats what you want . but thats not what you want , right . no , thanks . but thanks . after you , sweetheart . oh , no . you first , maam . well , somebody go first . well , not me . im not goin until she goes . oh , for crying out loud . oh . oh . okay . calm down . just think . what would curtis e . bear do . move it . i gotta return this suit . hmm . get out of the way . oh , no . no . ya . were free . were free . whoa . thanks , chick dude . well , i hope youre happy , simpson . those prisoners were one day away from being completely rehabilitated . im tearing up your license . ah , geez . darned laminated  would you mind . i got stubby fingers . how could they take away my license . it feels like i lost a limb . well , thats a turnoff . hey , why dont you come to the wild animal park with us . no . your father drives like an old lady . at least ive got a license . come on , kids . i went too far . ah , what a gyp . theyre all just lyin around . do something . bart , theyre not here to entertain us . ive seen plays that were more exciting than this . honest to god . plays . i dont wanna pay four bucks to watch some monkey wannabe laying in the sun . but , dad , lemurs are nocturnal . dont worry , honey . daddy will fix that broken animal . no . im not gonna hurt him . im just gonna wake him up . uh oh . heres a slingshot , lisa . i told em a chain link fence wouldnt hold rhinos . oh , wait . no , i didnt . i meant to tell em . dont worry , kids . i know just what to do .  . does anything from the movies actually work . ah , nuts . isnt there anybody who can round up these thunder lizards . uh , theyd need a pretty rugged vehicle . and a heart to match . hmm . id like to help you , chief , but my license was revoked . seems im full of rage . then do it for this adorable little puppy . look at the puppy , marge . thats your hat . shes good , chief . now if youll excuse me , ive got some dust that needs busting . this is kent brockman at the scene of a level three rhino alert . authorities say theres no immediate danger to anyone  except those three luckless people whom well identify once the rhinos spit out their wallets . back . back , i say . oh , no . im out of popcorn . throw your peanuts . you throw your peanuts . look . its mom . out of the way . move it or lose it . get going , you . this ought to hold em . theres one missing , mate . if we dont find him , itll be my ass on the barbie . get in . get in . come on , homer . jump . oh . when will detroit build a sunroof for the husky gentleman . ah , no . hey , anybody seen homer today . here . there he goes . ow . its not my rhino . oh , thank you , god . and thank you , port a . you really saved my  whos out there . oh , im gonna die . jesus , allah , buddha , i love you all . nice rhino . oh , no . shes not gonna make it . hmm . looks like its time for plan b . one , two three , b . its okay , homie . you can come out now . uh , give me a minute . oh , marge . you saved me . wow . you are so much cooler than milhouses mom . yeah . way to channel that rage , simpson . how did you know your plan would work , mom . thanks for asking . well , i was watching dateline and stone phillips said s . u . v . s always roll over when you turn sharply and the gas tanks explode at the drop of a hat . and she also knew if a rhino sees a flame hell instinctively try to put it out . stone phillips again . is there anything that guy doesnt know . why , this stone phillips sounds like quite a bloke . what television network is he on . why , nbc , of course . nbc has lots of great shows , and their news and sports coverage cant be beat . do you think theres anything great on nbc right now . oh , im sure of it . but theres only one way to find out . id like to read the following statement but i do so under  my own free will . it has come to my attention that nbc sucks . i apologize for misleading you and urge you to watch as many fox shows as possible . so , in summary , nbc bad , fox good . cbs great . springfield . okay , f . d . r . is in the white house an ice cream cone costs a nickel and a hot new tune by benny goodman is hitting the charts . the year is .  . oh , my god . ive gone back in time . ive got to warn everybody about hitler . and get to the ice cream store . hey , homer , whats all the hubbub . let me guess . you travel back in time again . shut up . you havent even been born yet . easy , homer . ill bring you back . ohh . oh , boy , am i glad to see you guys . that was men without hats . or as theyre known today , men withoutjobs . dont go there , marty . im not goin anywhere . im staying right here at p . j . oharrigans . were broadcasting live from p . j . oh . s and this place makes animal house look like terms of endearment . were kicking off our th consecutive happy hour with no end in sight . so come on down . yeah , that sounds like a swingin shindig . yeah , too bad we gotta work , huh , homer . homer . whoo hoo . lets party . wake up , homer . come on . move your butt . youre blocking traffic . thats no way to address sir drinks a . come on . lets get you inside and scrape the gum out of your hair . okay . hey , marge . whats your favorite radio station . well , marge . what . whats your favorite radio station . okay , dad , were ready . okay , dad , were ready . hey , thats super . see you later . dad , dont you remember . its our special saturday . you agreed to spend one saturday a month doing something with the kids . ohh . oh , quit complaining . its half the work of a divorced dad . yeah , but its twice as much as a deadbeat dad . homer . they know im kidding . okay , bart , its your turn to pick . where are we headed . bowling . demolition derby . p . j . oharrigans . isnt that a funny name . huh . huh . hysterical . but i traded my turn to lisa for her dessert . oh . we did a lisa thing last month . and im glad we did . but now i think we should do something normal people would like . why do you assume that i wont pick something fun . lets see . oh , this looks very educational . oh . well , this could be quite enlightening . ohh . fine , how about  ohh . she didnt say it yet . go ahead , sweetie . the book fair . oh , no . im not falling for that again . if it doesnt have siamese twins in a jar , its not a fair . oh . this is perfect . were gonna go see marmaduke . no . the smithsonian traveling exhibit . it encapsulates america and makes history come alive . what . and marmaduke doesnt . sorry , dad . my mind is made up . this is all your fault for trading away your turn . just for that , no dessert tonight . trade you my next turn for your dessert . deal . doh . hey , how come the smithsonian needs to be sponsored by a cell phone company . i can answer that . uncle sam needs to spend our tax dollars on the essentials antitobacco programs , pro tobacco programs killing wild donkeys and israel . good old government . yeah , but corporate sponsorship cheapens our nations treasures . actually , theyre omnitouchs treasures now . we bought em during the last budget crisis . look , they have lincolns hat . thank god for grave robbers . oh , americas greatest citizen summed up in one piece of clothing . fonzies jacket .  . whos fonzie . whos fonzie . dont they teach you anything in school . he freed the squares . how can they put a prop from a tv show next to the bill of rights . so whats so great about the bill of rights . it guarantees all of the basic freedoms  speech , religion , the right to a speedy trial . where . i dont see that . dad , dont do that . hmm , . get out of archie bunkers chair now . relax . im just boning up on the old constitution . oh , youre gonna regret that , pinko . oh , i am so sick of people hiding behind the bill of rights . look . he got chocolate on it . i didnt mean to . look . mm hmm . you just licked off the part that forbids cruel and unusual punishment . beautiful . really . that much . its gonna cost to repair that document . wha  of course , omnitouch understands that real money doesnt grow on trees  not these days . finally a company that understands my needs . we sure do . its called caring . so were even then . not by a long shot . but i have a solution thatll work out for both of us , especially you . i dont want a cellular transmitter sticking out of my roof . we prefer to think of them as keep in touch towers . its called caring , marge . plus youve increased springfields roaming capabilities . you gotta admit , marge , thats a lot more roaming . i guess . hey , this is pretty comfortable . that andy capp was onto something . uh . that antenna is an eyesore . just pretend its a tree , honey . or as we say at omnitouch , a progress tree . yeah . well , i hope it doesnt hum too loud . i have a ton of homework to do . and if i dont finish it by  my room .  . what . i heard a yell . did you touch a wire . what happened to my room . nothing . they just needed a place to put all the electronic gizmos and i know how much you like that science y stuff . so i de  you gave away my room . come on , lisa . try and see this from the omnitouch corporations point of view . your fathers right , lisa . cellular service is about communication and unity  community . hmm . i cant believe you did this , dad . why didnt you put that thing in your room . hmm . that thought never occurred to me . funny how your mind works in a crisis . its just until we pay off daddys desecration of a priceless artifact . i thought id never have to say that again . but where am i supposed to live . lisa , whats your favorite movie . until you taped over it , the little mermaid . thats right , the odd couple .  . so meet your comically mismatched roommate , bart simpson . im gonna make your life a living hell . but , dad . whoa . okay , if youre gonna live in my room , youre gonna obey my rules . one i am bart , thy god . if i am out , the krusty doll is thy god . if the dolls with me , you will worship the night light . should the night light be unable to fulfill its duties  shut up . you shut up . this is not gonna work . no , you shut up . ohh . hello , mother . maggie . seymour , you were supposed to call me three minutes ago . oh . sorry , mother . i was driving through a tunnel , and my cell phone wouldnt work . i dont want you driving through tunnels . you know what that symbolizes . but , mother , it cuts minutes off my drive . no tunnels . homer , were picking up cell phone calls over the baby monitor . oh . anything spicy . oh , thats not the point . we should report this to an omnitouch care rep . peoples privacy is at stake . great . im gonna eat mayonnaise . bart , stop it . stop what . squeaking that chair . hey , thats what i do in my room , lise . i squeak my chair . oh , quit it , quit it , quit it , quit it . well , if it isnt frick and frack , jack and jill , fred and ethel , the three  dad , will you please tell bart to stop squeaking his chair . im trying to do my homework . bart , stop squeaking your chair . if youve got to do something , click this pen . no o . hey , that looks like fun . race ya . youre on . lisa , you play winner . come on , come on . im gaining on ya . oh , honey , you missed a great race . bart was winning . then he said , this is stupid . and he stopped , and i won . dad , i am trying to do my homework . hmm . hey , youre mad at me . that wasnt your mayonnaise , was it . dad , why did you have to take away my room . maybe youd feel better if we watched some tv together . i just want to study . thats no fun . it is to me . no , its not . dad . oh , heres something youll like when animals attack magicians . pick a card . any  no , .  . pick another card .  . thats awful . awful entertaining . oh , my stomach hurts . hey , its krusty . i need you to get me out of another jam . i picked up this chick last night . at least i thought she was a chick . showbiz is so fascinating . mom , i dont feel so good . what is it , honey . my tummy really hurts . somebody wants mommy to change babys diaper . is that somebody you , homer . yes , it is . okay , then you can take lisa to dr . hibberts . great . maybe on the way back , we can swing by the demolition derby and have a nice talk . sounds great . lisa , im afraid your tummy ache may be caused by stress . well , thats a relief . yes . anyway , when it comes to stress , i believe laughter is the best medicine . you know , before i learned to chuckle mindlessly , i was headed for an early grave myself . give it a try , honey . oh , now , you call that chuckling . come on , child . force it . im really not the chuckling type . its true . im always making clever noises , and she never chuckles at em . well , i could prescribe some harsh antacids but i think lisa would benefit more from some herbal teas or aromatherapy . yeah . you know , some of that all natural stuff is really very well  oh , no , you dont . screw that touchy , queer y crap . well take the harsh antacids . nothings too good for my little girl . i sure settled his hash . imagine that quack thinking hed try one of those crazy new age cures . theyre not all crazy , dad . sure they are , honey . you knowjust , because you say something is crazy , doesnt make it so . and just because you think museums are boring and demolition derbies are fun doesnt make that true either . im sorry , lisa . oh , its not your fault . i know we love each other , dad , but were two very different people . and much as i hate to say it , as time goes on well probably just drift further and further apart . oh , lisa , honey , i wont ever let that happen . oh . dad , you dont have to go to a new age store just for me . i know you think this stuff is stupid . nah , you must be thinking of your mother . im always exploring alternatives and expanding my horizons into realms of  cant we just go in . oh , good . ive been meaning to buy a  dream catcher . give me a break . i just wish you could keep an open mind about other cultures . other cultures are fine . im just saying i can get along in life without a toothbrush . namaste . and a ooga to you too . may i tell you about our white light specials . absolutely not . my little girls tummy hurts . do you have anything to stop her complaining . dad . here . try this wheat grass juice . well , your tongue works . mm hmm . hmm . lets try some oil of lorenzo . and whats keeping joan rivers alive . fetal grindings . but i have a better idea . oh , no . no freezing . no , mr . simpson . this is a sensory deprivation tank . it blocks out all the external distractions that bombard our souls . can you pee in it . ill take two hours . me too . youre about to take a journey into the mind . you may see and experience things that are strange and frightening . but remember , they cant physically harm you though they may destroy you mentally . so what . ah , this is kind of relaxing . but its so hard to turn off my brain . i have to stop thinking , starting now . hey , it worked . oh , no . thats thinking . boring . well , dish . groundskeeper willie  you know , the guy in the skirt . he bought himself a mail order bride . but hes too cheap to pay the c . o . d . right . so shes still in a crate down at the post office . you wanna go have a look see . oh , this sounds juicy . hmm . hey , milhouse , want to have some fun . uh , okay . how am i supposed to hallucinate with all these swirling colors distracting me . hey . ah , its a ball of yarn . thats funny . i feel like batting it around . whoa . i have a paw . oh , my gosh . ive entered the body of our cat . aah .  . maggie .  . hey , .  . get your sticky hands off me .  . ow .  . oh , bad cat . leave her alone . wow . my mind just created that out of nothing . this tank is releasing the full potential of my brain . come on , come on . i need some gossip here . where is everybody . does this town shut down at . frankie , its me , killer . huh . i just busted out of prison and the cops are after me . oh , talk to me , baby . okay , i think i lost em . uh oh . a cow . eat lead , bossy . listen , tony . i need someplace to hide . oh , this place looks good . evergreen terrace . now , to open the door and kill whoevers inside . ill start by turning the knob . gotcha , mrs . ow . oh , my god . oh , mom . you are a pranksters dream . wow , you really clobbered him . that was a horrible trick to play on your mother . yeah . well , it serves you right for eavesdropping . well , i guess we both learned a lesson . but if anybody asks , you hit him . but you cantjust repossess our merchandise . the i ching said i had six months till bankruptcy . hey , channel somebody who gives a damn . cant we discuss this over some sympathy tea . sorry . the teas are already on the truck . theres only enough room on the truck for this one . well get the other one later . hey . this piece of junk is finally doing something . oh , man , this is heavy . you should lift with your legs . yeah , aw , screw it . i got health insurance . oh . abracadabra . the crystal says your baby shall be a girl . shut up . whoo . sensory deprivation kicks ass . oh , neddie , you almost hit that coffin . leapin lazarus . is this what passes for eternal rest these days . rod , go get daddy his buryin shovel . yea . you sure buried him deep , daddy . not so deep the lord cant find him and judge him . this is the best birthday i ever had . okay , im ready to get out now . yoo hoo, , hippie lady . hippie lady . hey , hippie lady . whats going on . oh . ow . oh . this inner peace stuff is tough on the old coconut . hippie lady , i want to get out .  . hey .  . hmm . look , daddy , a whale egg . oh , geez . i am so sick of companies dumping their crud in our ocean without a permit . its not like those permits are hard to get . youre going right back where you came from . but , daddy , youre on vacation . crime doesnt take a vacation . hey , careful . youll pop it . its happening again . i wonder where im going this time . whats that . ohyuck , . that sandwich is full of meat .  . theres bacon . canadian bacon . mexican bacon .  . and a mouthwatering veal chop . oh , no . now im dad . oh , and im at a stupid , boring ballet .  . dad , wake up .  . your snoring is disturbing the dancers . hmm . how can you embarrass me like this . you wont sit through anything that doesnt have car crashes . im sorry , honey . geez , why is lisa so mad at me . i only came to this dump so i could be with her . and what happened to my big sandwich . uh . boy , i can really be a pain in the butt . gee , i should cut dad some slack . after all , he did take me to the ballet and the smithsonian exhibit . in fact , he takes me lots of places he hates . hi , sweetie . hi , dad . how was it . i went on a wild ride without ever leaving the building . how was yours . pretty cool . but now , what do you say we go do something well both enjoy . oh , like what . whoa . look at that car burn . does it get any better than this . not to me , dad . oy . man on p . a . and here comes the ambulance .  . man on p . a . and here comes the ambulance .  . shh . springfield . mmm . so i said to that nurse you can take your free tetanus shot and shove it . you told her , dad . you better  believe i did . you still havent told us why lenny bit you . well , i really gave him no choice . you see  lousy meat eating scum . huh . not you . im going over to protest this disgusting new restaurant called the slaughterhouse . its decorated with hanging steer carcasses and a fountain of blood . oh , i heard about that place on the red grocer . the worst part is you pick out your own cow and they kill it right in front of you . well , maybe the animals dont mind , honey . they might enjoy being the center of attention . i think i read somewhere that cows like being killed . wait . theres a place like that in springfield . then why are we eating this crap . come on , everybody . were going to the slaughterhouse . you didnt need to knock the food on the floor . didnt i . wow . its even more wonderful than lisa said . oh , whoa . a complimentary basket of hooves . mmm . beef salad , beef on the cob , beef fried is there anything on the menu that isnt meat . ha . not likely . cool . even this menu is made of meat . its an entire chicken pounded flat . how clever . the kids menu is on the beak . hmm , i think ill take  oh , that one . no . hes a bit listless , isnt he . give me  oh , that spirited fellow . he didnt put up much of a fight . why dont you pick one for me . on second thought , ill just have a glass of milk from that cow . hmm . wait a minute . is this the biggest steak youve got . seventy two ounces . i thought this was supposed to be a steak house not a little girlie , underpantsie , pink doily, , tea party place . well , there is one steak thats only available by special request . we call it sirloin a . its the size of a boogie board . oh . ill have that one . and to drink , meatballs . very good , sir . ladies and gentlemen , this brave man has accepted the sirloin a challenge . he will pit his stomach against they like me because im brave . only two people have ever finished the whole thing . if you want some friendly advice , pal i wouldnt tackle the big one right away . oh , yeah . what do you know about it . hmm . its you . youre him . youre tony randall . red barclays my name . im a trucker . and ive eaten steaks from coast to coast with taters and toast . take my advice . this ones not for greenhorns . greenhorn . whos a greenhorn . whats a greenhorn . its an insult . sock him , dad . sock everybody . oh , youre just jealous cause you dont have the belly for it anymore , mr . no belly . mr . hasnt got . well , i have just finished a whole lamb . but , uh , i reckon i could take you to school . youre on , boy . is it safe to eat that much food , dr . hibbert . you know , i wouldnt have thought so before i bought percent of this restaurant but now i feel a balanced diet can include the occasional eating contest . but what if he chokes . oh , not to worry . we have the latest heimlich machine . on your left , the pride of the american trucking industry reliable red barclay . and an your right , homer somebody . go , dad . go , . yeah . come on , homie . gluttons , to your marks , and gorge . chew , . chew , . oh , dear . no , homer . dont fill up on bread . huh . oh , right . the steak . come on , dad . pick up the pace . chew and swallow . no savoring . must eat beef . must defeat guy i just met . so much steak . lungs filling . sinuses packed with meat . come on , dad . just more pounds . oh , humans are so ridiculous . hes not even halfway through walter and hes already hallucinating . lousy drunks . ill show them . whats happening to me . theres still food , but i dont want to eat it . ive become everything ive ever hated . mmm . the winner and still champion , reliable red barclay . my hats off to you , red . youre a true american hero . and you did it with style and dignity . and  hey . youre not breathing . dont people usually breathe . this man is dead . looks to me like beef poisoning . probably from some other restaurant . pass the ribs . youd better take one of these too . hes eaten quite a lot . there goes the finest trucker who ever lived . he called me greenhorn . i called him tony randall . it was a thing we had . in years , he never missed a shipment . but i guess this is one delivery old red wont be making . oh , yes , he will . and on time too . oh , no . homer , no . ive got to , honey . i owe it to old red as both his friend and his killer . oh , let me go with you , dad . dont you have school . dont you have work . ah , touche . bye , marge . arent you gonna say bye . good bye, , homer . that didnt sound like you meant it . oh , all right . good bye, , sweetheart . have a nice trip . thats more like it . so long , suckers . come on . ah , now im getting the hang of this thing . i dont know why i didnt become a trucker before . youre not really a trucker now . oh , yeah . my left arm says different . well , according to reds schedule , we have to make it to atlanta in three days . piece of cake . just need a little truck driving music . yeah . the open road . ah , that little punk . ill teach him some manners . no , dad . he wants you to blow your horn . oh . that little punk .  . lisa , we got another postcard from your father . lisa , we got another postcard from your father . wow . dad and bart have been everywhere . theyve eaten submarine sandwiches , grinders and hoagies . its not fair . your father always gets to have such exciting adventures . maybe its time we took a walk on the wild side . were buying a new doorbell . a musical doorbell . so many doorbells . im in way over my head . oh , great . look at my shoes . and todays my evaluation with senor ding dong . excuse me , mr . trainee , im trying to find a musical doorbell . well , you came to the right place . we got your ding dang and your do re and your ha cha , huh . im trying to find a particular tune . its the one that goes like  mom , is this the one you want . yes . thats it . lisa , you ought to be a doorbell salesman . oh , thats just what i need . another piranha in the tank . a little more high test , darlin . sure thing , gwen . ill be right back with your pie , hon . ah , thats a nice , friendly gal . yeah . wouldnt it be great to live right here at the truck stop . watching all the people come and go . you could have a different best friend every day . i suppose . great . now write your mother and tell her the marriage is off . and then when the paperwork is done , ill make gwen my wife . will that be all , sweetie . for now . the lights on . all systems are ding dong . come on , mom . lets take it for a test drive . its not a toy , lisa . well just have to wait until someone comes . anyone . anyone at all . oh . milhouse is selling seeds , and hes coming this way  oh , the birds got him . not the face . if your father was here , thered be process servers , repo men and bounty hunters to beat the band . wait . people are coming . i think theyrejehovahs witnesses . yes . wait , marlin . you know , i just had a thought . maybe were bothering people by trying to change their religion . what if we dont have all the answers . youre right , nureen . lets go get real jobs . oh . i would have feigned interest . still no visitors . its time we opened up a can of whup tushie on this situation . whats the number for luigis . dads got it on the speed dial under fire . this is it , honey . we did it . damn it . oh . ring the bell .  . why . you already know im here , dont you . just do it .  . nothing doin , missy . now do you want your half order of garlic bread or not . no . but if youll just ring the  oh , thats it . im putting an end to this . lisa , no , dont . it wont be the  oh . its heavenly . why is it playing over again . who cares . no one could ever get sick of this song . hey , get that truck out ofhere .  . you mean , it ate patrick too . it ate everybody . what about erica . it ate everybody . it ate everybody , stupid . i bet old red caught himself a mess of catfish with these fishing sticks . uh huh . i bet he used bait . relax , boy . were ahead of schedule . actually , we have to go ten hours . we gotta roll . uh , yeah . i need something thatll keep me awake , alert and reckless all night long . well , congress is racing back to washington to outlaw these . sold . hey , you cant that many pep pills at once . no problem . ill balance it out with a bottle of sleeping pills . okay , were all set . lets put the pedal to the metal . i wholeheartedly agree . oh , man , im really wired . this is a big mistake . i  oh , here come the sleeping pills . so drowsy . pep pills . perking up again . i could drive all night . huh . i fell asleep at the wheel . hey . but we didnt crash . its a miracle . but we didnt crash . its a miracle . i fell asleep at the wheel , and the truck drove here by itself . yeah . that navi tron auto drive system has made our jobs cushier than ever . the what now . you know , this thing . with this baby driving your truck for you all you gotta do is sit back and feel your ass grow . the trucks drive themselves . shh . hey , . shh . didnt your union rep tell you about the scam we got going . im not really a trucker , so i dont talk to the rep that often . all right , listen , pal . heres the deal . you stumbled on the secret that only truck drivers are supposed to know . hey , pay attention and stop looking at that squirrel . we get bucks an hour to drive these rigs . do you think anybody would hire us if they knew we werent really driving the trucks . wow . you guys are even lazier than me . well , dont worry . ill keep your secret . see that you do . hey , bart . watch me run down this old lady . dad , no . the second i let go of the wheel , this little wonder kicks in . and if scaring old ladies dont float your boat , watch this . come on out , boy . its windy . wow . youre right , dad . it is windy . hey , look . nobodys driving . well , will wonders never cease . relax , everybody . the navi tron auto drive system is driving the truck for me . but keep it a secret . its a big scam , okay . what the hell . breaker , . looks like we got us a . uh , . uh , lets see . uh , outsider blabbing about auto drive system . well , have to teach our friend some discretion . yeah . just like we did tojimmy hoffa . hey , shut up . calling all big rigs . motormouth on highway . you know what to do . i need to get some sleep . i have a test tomorrow in  i mean , english . okay , . let me just get the wire cutters . oh . your father traded our tools for mms again . oh , the heck with it . look , son . its one of natures most beautiful sights . the convoy . he hit us . oh , i should have known . theyre hazing us to initiate us into the truckers fraternity . thank you , sir . may i have another . dad , theyre trying to kill us . oh , why do all my trips end like this . eat water , good buddy . whoa . look at him roll . oh . my good knife . my wifes gonna kill me . i think we lost em , bart . dad , stop . uh oh . well , . looks like we got ourselves a showdown , boy . all right . what are you doing . im keeping a promise to an american roadmaster . huh . red . the trucker . big fat guy couldnt handle his steak . oh , yeah . well get past that barrier somehow . old blinky here will find a way . im afraid i cant let you do this , red . the risk is unacceptable . im not red . im homer . gotta go . uh oh . dad , do something . something better . whoo hoo . now that man is a genuine , steel belted, , gear jamming rig jockey . thats a fact . boy howdy . you can say that again . yeah . boys , ive been thinking . maybe its time we ditched the high tech gizmos and went back to driving like our daddies did . drunk . no . no . using our hands and our wits . yeah , sure its hard work and its lonely as hell . but it has meaning and dignity . huh . what do you say . nah . lets just find some other scam . hey , how about bootlegging beanie babies . sounds good to me . oh , i like that . yep , youre gonna make it , dad . somewhere up there , i bet red is saying thanks . this is red barclays shipment , on time as always . all right , lets see . artichokes and migrant workers . looking good . so where is old red anyway . well , the last time i saw him , he was in a big plastic bag . ha . yeah , that sounds like red , all right . well , son , i guess its time to go home . any thoughts on how were gonna get there . no . but im sure the good lord will provide . are you crazy . im not driving a trainload of napalm to springfield . thank you . im really sorry , everybody . but ive tried everything . im afraid were just going to have to learn to live with it . no , . no dice . all right , chimey , this time the bell tolls for thee . huh . ayayay .  . senor ding dong . i thought you were just a marketing gimmick . there was a time when that was true . but now i am so much more . oh , my . gracias , senor . de nada . if you ever need mejust , ring . does anyone have any jumper cables . ohyou , stinking chevy .  . shh . springfield . and as we pass the collection plate please give as though the person next to you were watching . oh , man . this is the hottest easter ever . even that praying mantis is losing it . thank you , helen . and thank you all for your kind contrib  a chocolate bunny . who put this wicked idol in the collection plate . relax . i found it in the dumpster . perhaps we need a hefty dose of the good book . in the beginning  excuse me , reverend . its hard to hear you with those fans going . well , lets get those off then . in the beginning god created the heavens and the earth . which brings us back to our  oh . oh . what a beautiful garden . its almost like paradise . heads up .  . whee . well , hello . arent you hurt . of course not . theres no pain in the garden of eden . hey , you must be eve . mmm , i guess . looks like god made you out of my sexiest rib . speaking of ribs , is there any grub around here . is there . good morning , adam . any bacon for you then . dont mind if i do . hi diddly , paradise dwellers . good morning , lord . i just have to compliment you on this beautifully crafted mate . oh , adam , youre too kind . no , youre too kind and wise and righteous . i cant believe you dont have a girlfriend . oh , please . youre gonna give me a swelled head . i just stopped by to see if you needed anything . well , some general interest magazines would be nice . you got it , eve . there you go . oh , thanks . well , i better skedaddle . oh , theres one more weensy little thing . see that tree over there . i hate to be a bossy betty see that tree over there . i hate to be a bossy betty but i have to forbid you to eat its fruit . no problem , lord . and it would be even easier to avoid that temptation if i had a few extra wives . im just sayin . oh , how cute . lets call this little guy a groundhog . sorry , i already gave him a name land monster . really . well , what do you call that thing on the branch . branch monster . please , call me snake . yo , have you dudes sampled this fruit . its , like , gods private stash . but he said it was forbidden . quite so , mum . i recall one of the dinosaurs had a bite . and , well , that was the last of  egad . please stop eating that . gods going to be furious . youre pretty uptight for a naked chick . you know what would loosen you up . a little fruit . mmm , well , it is a sin to waste food . and you keep saying we need to do things together . hmm . mmm . this could really spice up those pies ive been making . what the dickens . eve , did you taste of the forbidden fruit . ohh . yes , god . doggone it , eve . i think youd better hightail it out of this garden . adam , say something . uh , um  uh , i think we should see other people . you heard me . vamoose . oh . usually a mink massage makes me feel better . but somethings missing now . i didnt say stop . lovely day in paradise , isnt it . yeah . just like yesterday . today im featuring mouthwatering pork ribs . tuck in then . oh . i gave a rib to eve , and now shes gone forever . one whole rib and still standing . well , arent you the plucky one , sir . come on . oh , poor eve . what are you doing out there in that horrible place . im toiling . what does it look like . oh , this is my fault . i should have stood up for you during that whole applegate thing . well , its a little late for apologies now . dont say that . maybe i can sneak you back in . i mean , god cant be everywhere at once , right . somebody order a hole . oh , thats a tight squeeze . oh , thank you . are you okay . ill be fine . just give me a second to  come on , eve .  . hurry .  . oh , my dear sweet eve . i love you even more than the butterscotch pond or the porno bush . so . this is how you repay me , adam . and after i created my fingers to the bone for you . i  my unicorn . oh , what have they done to you , gary . oh , there , . im sure hes gone to a better place , lord . oh , shut up . you are so banished . hey , now lets not do anything rash . god is love , right . god , you have every right to flick me out too . but before you  oh , my back . so this must be that pain thing . oh , yeah . definitely pain . this sucks . things were so much better back in the garden . im sure god will let us return soon . i mean , how long can he hold a grudge . forever  hmm . and ever and ever , a  and that concludes genesis the first of the books of the bible . moving on to exodus  and abraham begat isaac , and isaac begatjacob and who did he beget . all right . lets go , you wee israelites . back to slavin . man , captivity blows . talk to the whip . on your knees , ya mugs . its the pharaoh . ah , excellent progress , slave driver willie . kudos on your whipping . oh , he noticed . ay . suffering sarcophagus . my tomb . who did this . come on , confess . dont make me slay all the firstborn males again . bart did it . i saw him do it . take him away , boys . no . the bush set me up . as for the rest of you , its time for a little discipline . slave driver , put away the encouragement whip and break out the cruel whip . heh . thats the new omni lash, , boys . look at that snapback . yeah , its sweet . we cant keep living like this . moses , ask pharaoh to let your people go . oh , now theyre my people . scrub harder , slave . i want to be able to eat off that thing . and make it snappy . its almost lunchtime . i think moses here has something to ask you . go . uh , let my people go . let your people go . ive never heard such insolence . you call yourselves slaves . well , the balls in his court now . all right , read me back what i have so far , mrs . krabapatra . bird , giant eye , pyramid , bird . mm hmm . very good . uh , giant eye , dead fish , cat head , cat head , cat head guy doing this  what . what the  keep that plague coming , moses . frogs away . we spent all our money , but it was worth it . now hes gotta let us go . mmm . mmm . these are the juiciest frogs ive ever eaten . mmm . ra has rewarded my cruelty to the slaves . its a plague , you moron . and we got lots more planned . and theres nothing you can do about it . so long , kids . give my regards to the british museum . do you think we could ever be more than just friends . not now , moses . we gotta find a way outta here . i know we built a secret passage in here somewhere . i found it . were outta here . uh oh . help . eh , slave labor . you get what you pay for . whee . whoo . whee . huh . our time has come . follow me to freedom . hey , pharaoh , those half pint slaves are exodusing as we speak . well , i say good riddance to bad rubbish . okay . but whos gonna build your pyramids . well , we cou after them . well never be able to swim that far . oy , caramba .  . screw this . im converting . save us , o mighty ra . hey , cut that out . i have an idea . all right , moses . lead your people . flush . its a miracle . i performed a miracle . im a genius . yeah , . hurry , everyone . we dont have much time . after them , men , into the temporarily dry sea . aw , nuts . oh .  . hey , chief . he splashed me . look , nobody likes a crybaby , okay . you just splash him back . well , lisa , were out of egypt . so , whats next for the israelites . land of milk and honey . hmm . well , actually it looks like were in for years of wandering the desert . forty years . but after that , its clear sailing for thejews , right . uhh  more or less . hey , is that manna . now we come to king solomon , whose wisdom was like a drill boring into the rock of injustice . boring . boring . boring . king solomon , these men need you to settle a dispute . they each claim ownership of this pie . hmm . the pie shall be cut in two . and each man shall receive death . ill eat the pie . okay , next up  jesus christ versus checker chariot . ow . dad , youre sitting on my arm . and after david smote goliath the people crowded into the temple  where a cool breeze blew not . and their hearts were filled with crankiness . and once again  im bored . send in my jester . hey , king david . how ya doin . now , im not saying jezebels easy but before she moved to sodom it was known for its pottery . what else you got . well , wait a minute . i got something on the canaanites . oh . they are so stupid  methuselah , my oldest friend , who did this to you . oh , it was goliath . but goliath is dead . i smote him myself . i smoted him good . no , it was his son , goliath ii . no o . goliath ii is gonna pay . and this time its biblical . ill just give goliath ii the old rock to the head applause , you gotta believe in yourself , stay in school , and were outta here . i dont know , davey . quiet , you . oh , youve gotten pretty fat , davey . lets get it on . see ya later , davey . you killed my best friend . oh hoo . you killed my father , who was like a best friend . oh hoo . all i need is my trusty sling and one good , hard , um  say , hows tomorrow for you . what say you now , goliath . without your precious hair , you no longer possess your fantastic strength . thats samson , idiot . let my proclamation go out across the land ha ha . ha ha . oh . i hope this doesnt get into the bible . youre king david . i love you , cause you kill people . get yourself another hero , kid . im all washed up . well , i guess its up to ralph to stop goliath . goliath ii is really gonna pay . get ready to meet the first action hero . wow . ow . all right . its giant slaying time . oops . crap . how am i supposed to get up there . jonah . oh . you died the way you lived  inside a whale . hmm . i trampled four giant slayers today . i think i earned this . dont you know smoking stunts your growth . well , if it isnt the little prince . im not afraid of you , goliath . before , i was arrogant . but now my heart is humbled . and my spirit is  what do you know . a king fit for a meal . hope i dont give you heartburn . huh . great news , everyone . goliath is dead . although i havent seen his body , the blast that failed to kill me surely killed the giant . anyhoo , now that im your king again  ralph , i thought you were dead . nope . rejoice , good people .  . goliath the terrible shall rule no more .  . but goliath was the greatest king we ever had . wha  he built roads , hospitals , libraries . to us he was goliath the consensus builder . youre under arrest for megacide . wheres your messiah now . mmm . mmm . huh . everyones gone . oh , how embarrassing . oh , we slept right through church . eh , its not the end of the world . oh , no . its the apocalypse . bart , are you wearing clean underwear . not anymore . its the rapture . and i never knew true love . i never used those pizza coupons . why arent we ascending into heaven . oh , right . the sins . wha  ohh . where do you think youre going , missy . dad . oh . i smell barbecue . hey , look . oh , theyre out ofhot dogs .  . and the coleslaw has pineapple in it .  . german potato salad .  . shh . springfield . whoo hoo . homer . i said , homer . marge , im out of beer . you know , homie , a lot of men use their saturdays to do things around the house . hint , . but , marge , im not like other men . thats why you buy my pants at that special store . im serious . you never finished painting the garage . and you still havent taken down those awful hostage ribbons from the old oak tree . oh , you know as soon as i take em down , therell just be more hostages . and you could at least get that snake out of the piano . fine , ill drop everything im doing just for you . but youll have to live with the guilt of ruining my saturday . can you live with that , marge . huh . can ya . yup . can ya . god bless him .  . excuse me . i have a few questions for pop . thats me . youre pop . no offense , but even i could kick your ass . hey , get off my case . the only reason im working here is cause im trying to get a date with mom . look , pop . im planning some expert home repairs and i need a pair of bolt cutters or wire cutters or something to get the lock off my toolbox . aisle one , next to the cat poison . edna , look . a dimmer switch could ratchet up the romance in our love nest . you mean the janitors closet . ha . whats the matter , edna . lately you just say , ha . to everything . i want a baby now .  . why dont we continue this in pool supplies . hi , im doug vaccaro . you know me as chip , the wisecracking assistant on the hit sitcom toolinaround . a man in an apron . but today im here as a tool of global dynamics corp . you know , installing your own barbecue pit is no harder than adding an aviary or olympic size swimming pool . in fact , its a snap . or if youre not into chicken  no , . im into chicken . how about wild boar . or swordfish . or hippo . mmm . hippo . lighthearted apron not included . snapping fingers may not make food appear . how about it , bart . would you like a new backyard barbecue pit . can i burn evidence in it . we can all burn evidence in it . there . that wasnt so hard , was it , honey . dad , i really need to rest my back . okay , sweetie . daddyll take over . oh , yeah . thats a fine looking doh . okay , no big deal . stupid lisa . gotta build fast . cement drying . all right , lets see . ohh . english side ruined . must use french instructions . le grille . what the hell is that . come here . get  uh . come on . fit , you  huh . ahh .  . yeah .  . thats one fine looking barbecue pit . why doesnt mine look like that . why . da why . why must life be so hard . why must i fail in every attempt at masonry . hows your fathers project coming along . i think hes almost done . yeah , hes done . id like to return this barbecue kit . all returned items must be in a box and accompanied by a receipt . well , if youll follow the flashlight youll see the receipt embedded here and here and elements of the box here , and possibly here . sorry . i didnt get this hammer hat by handing out refunds . come on . get  ohh . yeah , hold on there , santa claus . that box is for toys only . well , of course . any kid would love to have this , uh , activity center . it teaches them while they learn . yeah . nice try , st . nick . now hit the road , kriss kringle . but  you heard me , pere noel . what you got there . beanie baby . ill never get rid of it . itll follow me to the ends of the earth . all right . my bumper fell off . not my fault . act of god , act of god . uh oh . uh  ahh . homie , someones at the door . they want to talk to you about some sort of car accident . take the kids out back . ill handle this . mr . simpson . i believe something of yours struck my car yesterday . oh , yeah . prove it . thats your license plate , isnt it . uh  all right . just go ahead and sue me . everybody else does . the average settlement is . im not here to sue you . my name is astrid weller . i own an art gallery , and id love to display your piece . you mean this hunk of junk . this isnt art . its just a barbecue that pushed me over the edge . didnt you . didnt you . you stupid  uh , art isnt just pretty pictures . its an expression of raw human emotion . in your case , rage . oh , i got that , lady . is everything okay . i got worried when i didnt hear any shots . this lady says im an artist . you . an artist . your husbands work is what we call outsider art . it could be by a mental patient or a hillbilly or a chimpanzee . in high school i was voted most likely to be a mental patient , hillbilly or chimpanzee . well , you should be very excited because outsider art couldnt be hotter . so youd better catch the fever . catch it . dad , chew with your mouth closed . youre losing your mystique . lisa , all great artists love free food . check outjasperjohns . you squeal on me , ill kill you . i dont know . i studied art for years , but i just dont get this . sounds like somebodys jealous . no , im not . i just cant believe some people are paying hundreds of dollars for something a hillbilly pulled out of the trash . hey , i done studied for years on how to get over that junkyard fence . then i learnt the gate was open . smithers , i think im in love . hah . with this sculpture . sir , thats by homer simpson . i dont think you want to buy it . smithers , years ago i blew the chance to buy picassos guernica for a song . luckily that song was white christmas and by hanging on to it , i made billions . anyway , i love this hideous thing . young lady , ill take it . congratulations , homer . youre now a professional artist . whoo hoo . look , marge . my first sale . in your facejasperjohns , . huh . where you going with that junk , dad . im gonna be an outsider artist . that way i can turn all these old baseball cards , disney memorabilia and antiques into something valuable . homie , im really happy you sold your sculpture . but dont you think it may have been a fluke . hey , ive always had an interest in art , dating back to my schoolgirl days when i painted portrait after portrait of ringo starr . thats my life youre describing . i think i remember my own life , marge . astrid said the key to my art is anger . but you know me . im mr . mellow . hmm . so im giving you kids permission to get me mad . come on . give me what you got . well , if itll help . uh , mom found out her engagement ring is made of rock candy . good work , honey . keep it coming . well , im flunking math , and the other day i was a little attracted to milhouse . moe , this is astrid , my dealer . and these are my fans gunter , kyoto and cecil hampstead on . so , uh , you guys are eurotrash , huh . hows that working out for you . eh , to be honest , we are adrift in a sea of decadent luxury and meaningless sex . uh huh . so , uh , where might this sea be located . hmm . i must get back to my hotel and practice my affectations for tomorrow . bonsoir .  . what do we owe you , moe . nothing , . just give me a priceless sketch with a certificate of authenticity . all right . hey , moe . can i pay with a drawing . yeah . nice try there , twelve step . uh , homer , youre making us a little bit uncomfortable . relax , big guy . hes just doing this for his art . right , homer . oh , yeah , art . here he is . this is where the magic happens . wonderful news , homer . is it about pies . i , um  no . were going to hold a show devoted entirely to you . wow . its like marges dream come true  for me . isnt that great , marge . for me . look , marge . theyre advertising my show in art in america . its the first time ive been mentioned there  that i know of . im happy for you . now good night . good night . youre upset about something . is this about that trip barney and i took to machu picchu . oh , homer , being an artist was my dream . but now , without even trying youve accomplished more in a week than i have in my whole life . aw , honey . ive always liked your art . your paintings look like the things they look like . thats sweet . but how would you like it if i  dont know  entered a belching contest . frankly , id be a little turned on . you dont understand . marge , ive screwed up everything ive ever done . i mean , look at bart . but i finally found something where people worship me for screwing up . and that feels pretty good . well , i guess nothing else matters as long as youre happy . now youre making sense . good night . then i bought a rembrandt  homer is the most dangerous artist on the springfield scene . i give you botched hibachi . the tricycles on loan from the maggie simpson collection . this piece i call failed shelving unit with stupid stuck chain saw and applesauce . and finally , my thing de resistance attempted birdhouse i . shall we start the bidding at , say , . all right . how about a million . ill give you two bucks for the bird if its still alive . whats going on here . you weirdos love this stuff . homer , im afraid they only love whats new and shocking . these pieces are just like your earlier work . youve gone from hip to boring . why dont you call us when you get to kitsch . come on , gunter , kyoto . if we hurry , we can still catch the heroin craze . mmm . wait . come back . im a god to you . worship me or fear my wrath . oh , please , fear my wrath . please . call me . i dont get it . why dont people like my art anymore . homer , i know you worked hard . but all of your things were kind of the same . hey , rayj . johnson never changed his act , and hes more popular now than hes ever been . who . you can call him ray . or you can call him j . or you can call him rayj . but you doesnt have to call him  im sick of him already . the point is , great artists are always trying new things like michelangelo or shaquille oneal . you just need some inspiration . its so exciting to do something cultural together . matt groening . whats he doing in a museum . he can barely draw . ow . oh , no . im being erased . move it , bub .  . we got an installation to installate . oh . a claes oldenburg . hes a european who defied convention and embraced american popular culture . he must be a hundred feet tall . now this is a joseph turner . in an era when everyone else painted portraits he broke away by painting the venetian canals . its glorious . the streets are paved with water . you could ride a walrus to work . and picasso started out painting realistically , then moved on to cubism . by the end of his life , he was just painting crank letters to the editor . they call it his angryjerk period . mmm , split pea . with ham . any ideas yet . no . these guys are geniuses . i could never think of something like soup or a pencil . oh . im just gonna rest for a minute . what the who hey . youre mean . hasta la vista , baby . hmm . uhh . what the  eww . doh . soups on , fat boy .  . oh . ow . hey . no . no . help . no . ow . no . yo , andy , no . homer . homer . marge . oh , why does art hate me . i never did anything to art . oh . lets get out of here . well , dad , if the museum didnt inspire you maybe you should do something really radical , like christo . is he that jerk that revealed the magicians secrets . no , christo is a conceptual artist who does huge outdoor projects . he once wrapped the reichstag in plastic . not the reichstag . oh , yes . and he also set up hundreds of yellow umbrellas along a california highway . why did he do that . to make the world a more magical place , i guess . although they did blow over and kill some people . killer umbrellas . of course . exquisite . no , dad . no , my point is you have to do something big and daring . big . daring . lisa , thats it . ive got an idea for a wonderful art project thatll make everyone love me again . step one steal all the doormats in town . hit the road , welcome home . adios , casa de flanders . see ya in hell , god bless this house . so long , the simpsons . doh .  . step twosnorkel the animals . it wasnt easy , but i got all the grizzlies . great . ill do the pony while you do the lions . make sure you strap em on real tight . now , step three . are you sure this is art  and not vandalism . thats for the courts to decide , son . wake up .  . wake up , springfield .  . ive got a surprise for you . oh , lord . what now . oh , that cant be good . people of springfield , behold my latest work . homer , what have you done . its conceptual art  the grand canals of springfield . just like venice , without the black plague . what do you think . i think some people are going to be upset . i love it , homer . youve turned this town into a work of art . i just wish jasperjohns hadnt stolen my boat . aah . so long , suckers .  . well , theyre in the business . real people might not be so understanding . what the flood . maude , its a miracle .  . the lord has drowned the wicked and spared the righteous . isnt that homer simpson . looks like heavens easier to get into than arizona state . ohh . i hate these flood pants . hey , theyre working . my feet are soaked , but my cuffs are bone dry . everythings comin up milhouse . ahh .  . edna , im gonna pop you a question and i hope the answer is yes . do you think mother would like this hat pin . oh . yes . oh , youve made me the happiest man on earth . well , homer , i have to admit you created something people really love . you truly are an artist . no . im just a nut who couldnt build a barbecue . youll always be the artist in the family . aww . is that our house . yep . and is that us on the roof . thats us . are we kissing . oh , i dont know . could be . i need some inspiration . yoink . shh . springfield . scuse me . pardon me . scuse me . hmm . hey . ah , but paris would make a tres bon site for the next olympic games . and why is that . we dont have to explain ourselves to the likes of you . i await your reply . i recommend moscow , where the american dollar buys seven rubles . twelve rubles . sixty rubles . rubles . i must go . i suggest motown . detroit . no , . mongolia town  home of the motown sound . you are all crazy . the answer is buenos aires . hokkaido . budapest .  . cleveland . england . bangkok . people . people . please . you are forgetting what the olympics are all about  giving out medals of beautiful gold so so silver and shameful bronze . its so true . i have here a letter from a little girl named lisa simpson . she says her town might not be important enough to host the olympics but she asks if the torch could just pass by so she can experience the glow that we feel every day . well , i say we dont bring her the torch . i say we bring her the olympic games . who is with me . well , i dont care . its my decision . springfield was shocked today to learn it will host the next olympics . economists predict our city will experience the same boom that sarajevo enjoyed after the games . and its all because of your letter , lisa . well , actually , i just wrote it for a school assignment . everyone else wrote to the backstreet boys . to honor the arrival of our foreign friends  and enemies  channel is sponsoring a contest to find a springfield olympic mascot . the winner will join such other memorable mascots as the atlanta whatsit and the montreal vampire . a mascot contest . im sure to win that  unless one of you jinxes me . no ones gonna jinx you , homer . in fact , were rooting for you . yeah . go for the gold , dad . shut up . shut up . shut up . well , you said i couldnt do it , but here it is . meet abby , the olympic tabby . howd you get the eyes to move . you papier mached my cat . just for the prototype , honey . knowing you always hate my first idea , i prepared a backup . how about a big olympic hello for springy  the springfield spring . those arent the dogs eyes , are they . hey , thats cute . good work , dad . its fun for the whole family . and the ends are razor sharp  to protect our nation and its interests . ow . god bless america . hit the road , lefty . you too , rizzo . oh , cinnamon , dont make this harder than it already is . bravo , springfield . i have never seen such a clean sewer . and we are positively inspired by your solar power plant . yes . love that sun , man . we will do anything , including but not limited to anything to make your stay here tolerable . yes . youll be completely above the law . uh , women , guns , cash  whatever you need . its yours . ach du lieber .  . and thats not all . weve just chosen our official olympic mascot . they picked springy . in your face , patty and selma . well , we still love you , ciggy . yeah . mmm . that glue really gives it a pop . and now , because the children are our future here are the children of springfield elementary with a song they call the children are our future . children . ive never wanted a beer worse in my life . i love you , honey . are you talking to me or the beer . to you , my bubbly , long necked, , beechwood aged lover . bravo . magnifigue .  . muy bueno . it gives me great pride to officially declare the next olympics will be held right here in  wait . wait . we have one more act . the patriotic comedy stylings of bart simpson . oh , fine . thank you , thank you . so , uh , youre from russia , huh . da . you drunk yet . da . poland , eh . too easy . how ya doin , germany . heres my impression of an east german woman . kees me , or ill crush you . he says what were all thinking . im not thinking that . hey , swiss miss . theres no missin you , babe . lay off the cocoa . now id like to say one last thing to our olympic representatives . if there was a medal for horrible audiences , youd get the gold . peace out . skinner . skinner . how could you put this boy on with that horrible material . well , it really did seem funny in rehearsal . and he didnt even get to his ubangi routine . ha , . laugh it up , ya punks . cause you and jan murray here just cost our town the olympics . hey , chalmers . where are you from . huh . well , i was born in queens , went to ball state then made the move to intercourse , pennsylvania . uh , why do you ask . dont worry , sir . ill teach these children some respect for their town . im assigning each of you community service . no , . intercourse . what if we refuse . you wont pass to the next grade . i fail to see the threat . skinner . good idea . now , if youll excuse me , im off to my vacation at lake titicaca . lets see you make a joke out of that , mr . smart guy . all right , martin . for your community service youll be setting up a midnight basketball program for inner city street gangs . all right , gang . shirts and skins . lets hustle . milhouse , do you like the beach . who doesnt . good . i want you to pick up all this medical waste thats washed up on the shore here . ow . i pricked myself . welljust , keep working . youll prick yourself with the antidote sooner or later . what are ya gonna do to me . bart , not all community service is gang warfare and dangerous infection . and to illustrate that point , heres where youll be working . the fireworks , candy and puppy dog store . no , . next to it . settle a bet . boil or mole . okay . just breathe through your mouth and dont ask how theyre feeling . oh , man . whoa . arent you a beautiful  lets pull his skin . look at that . oh , be a dear and snap my support hose to my girdle . oh , goody . whew . saved by the bell . whoa . where do you think youre goin . oh , no . lise , they got you too . got me . what are you talking about . i got a nice diagonal goin here . b  . you sunk my battleship . g  . you sunk my battleship . oh . i got a bingo . what do i win . a banana . a whole one . yep . thats the prize . a banana . their natural mushiness prevents choking and promotes regularity . theyre not babies , lisa . give em something fun  like cigars or booze . we tried giving them eggnog at christmas but it led to widespread de shawling . well , thats what they get for wearing such tight little shawls . oh . okay .  . nap time . you tell em when to sleep . shh . dont wake them . while they sleep , we suck up excess dirt and crumbs . here you go . make sure you get into every crevice . cool . grampa . homer . grampa . homer . dont play with the faces . so , bart , how was your first day of forced volunteerism . that place sucks . the nurses dont let grampa do anything . they practically chew his food for him . lucky stiff . im workin my ass off here . good steak , honey . the elderly arent like you or me , bart . they thrive on consistency , predictability and a life with no surprises . sounds good to me . ill get it . delivery for homer simpson . mmm . whoo hoo . my springs . they finally came . but we lost the olympics to shelbyville . yeah , but i should have no problem selling a thousand springs . to who . idiots . oh . these are fun . oh , rhett . rhett . oh , rhett . where will i go . whatll i do . frankly , my dear  i love you . lets remarry . ahh . thats sweet . what a lovely ending . they cut out the best word . didnt that movie used to have a war in it . come on , you . youve been warned . picture yourself on a beautiful sailboat . ah . cant you just feel the sea breeze in your hair . oh , boy . or scalps . say , i hear a foghorn . boring . come on , bart . we dont want to overstimulate these people . they just had pudding . hello , little girl . is your mommy home . youll need to ask her for five dollars to buy mr . bouncy best friend . i know you . your little smart mouthed boy cost this town the olympics . who is it , mother . bart simpsons father . oh . ill be right down . ow . ow . ow . ow . ow . ow . ow . boy , lennyyou , sure look hungry . have some nuts . hey , thanks . ow . my eye . ow . ow . ow . now , if you wanna be the life of the party like lenny here just place your order for this hilarious novelty item . homer , get outta here . boy , moe , you sure look angry . here . have some nuts . hey , thanks . ow . god . my eye . ow . get it out . geez . gaagh . dont pull . dont pull . i said dont pull . dont .  . now were pulling into port . ah . and whos waiting for us at the dock . why , its all your childhood dogs . i see petey and blackie and schnoodle . oh , no . pirates . pirates . ahoy , mateys . its me  long bart silver . and im gonna rip you a new i . v . hole . bart , what are you doing . im just trying to liven things up around here . these people need to ride motorcycles and play rockin electric guitars like the old people on tv . excuse me . but when those pirates boarded i swallowed my wedding ring for safekeeping . get me some ipecac . id like to expunge it . okay , shes gone . lets break out of here and have some fun . shouldnt we ask someone first . if i get up , somebody will take my chair . got that right . its the only one left with padding . padding . what about you , chief . dont you wanna be free like the eagle . oh , i dont live here . im just dropping off indian casino pamphlets . vote yes on prop . you know , the door was open , chief break everything . come on , people . you dont wanna stay in a place where they vacuum you while you sleep . they do what now . nows our chance . lets go . im gonna follow him . oh , no . bart has stolen the elderly . forgot my hat . oy . oy . uh oh . ow . todays grass is far sharper than the grass in my day . hey , everybody .  . howd you like to go on a real boat trip . oh , that would be nice . im there . arr . not a looker among em . full speed ahead . damn the torpedoes . whatd he say . put on our tuxedos . i want some taquitos . welcome to the kitchen of tomorrow  today .  . how much would you pay for a self flipping hamburger pan . nothing . dont answer yet . watch how easy it is to flip hamburgers with the help of gods greatest creation  the spring . now watch this . are you okay . some second degree burns . but some first class burgers . i want you to get rid of these springs . but you havent seen the baby of tomorrow . ta da . now if i drop her , no more tears . give me my baby . d it up , marge . im goin to the hole . i want these springs out of our house today .  . youre not flushing those springs down our toilet , are you . of course not . mm mm . oh , abe , you dance divinely . i havent felt this relaxed and carefree since i was watch commander at pearl harbor . aw , geez . this place used to be crawlin with russian subs . now theres just four . sea hag .  . bart simpson . bart , are you crazy . youve got to get the old folks home to the old folks home . no way . theyre finally having some fun . how low can i go . thats it . gee , bart , maybe youre right . they dont even seem to care that its medication time . medication time . hot dog . gimme , . but ive set you free . no more nap time . no more bingo . you can do whatever you want . lets play bingo . yeah . lets play bingo . you sunk my battleship . now , smithersyou , say you painted all your navy buddies this way . until i was discharged , sir . i dont get it , grampa . if you guys like all that boring stuff why did you follow me out here . gotta do somethin till bingo . how could you miss that huge boat coming right at us . oh . two glass eyes . oh , its not fair . im not supposed to die now . im supposed to die in a foolish motorcycle stunt at the age of . ha , . youre not dead yet , you pudgy little pisher . jack la lanne . dont worry . ill save you thejack la lanne way . uh oh . this is all barts fault . lets get him . i blame him . hes killed us all . i want some taquitos . leave him alone . sure , barts responsible for our deaths . but he gave us the most fun we had in years . so before we go to our watery graves i say that we  what the hecks going on . ah . what a shame . not a looker in the bunch . so , you workin tomorrow at the home , bart . well , i finished my community service . oh . right . but i could swing by after school . ill bring the limbo stick . hot diggety . hey . stop shakin the harness . how low can i go . how low can i go . springfield . and welcome back now to cash in your legacy . this week were appraising antiques in springfield . this gentlemans beer tap dates back to the turn of the century and remarkably , seems to have never been washed . yeah , ive been meaning to wash that , but  its been such a century . at auction , id expect this to bring to except that on the handle somebodys carved homer rocks . and i do . whoo . appraised value . im gonna kill him . im gonna kill him . hey . ah , geez . i dont know how you can all just lay around the house on a nice day like this . when was the last time we went for a good , old fashioned family walk . oh , we stopped those when the kids said i was too fat to carry . oh , come on . lets go for a walk . this familys getting so lazy . im not lazy . im just , um , uh  lisa , finish my sentence for me . why dont you finish your own darn  fine . if were not going for a walk , well just talk about our day . i wrote another poem about a duck . cant we go home yet . my feet hurt . all this fresh air is making my hair move and i dont know how much longer i can complain . get a horse . could we , marge . could we get a horse . were walking , homer . theres some dogs . we could all ride dogs . forget it . nobodys riding any  hi yo, , silver , away .  . oh , look . theres the store where i buy my yarn . but you dont wanna buy your buttons there . whew . well , i dodged a bullet . now theres the place you wanna buy your buttons . and thats where the bookmobile lady used to live . if you love me , youll kill me . hey , mom , look . oh . looks like something excitings happening . well , have to read about it in tomorrows paper . why cant we see it now . well , its not really on our walking route . whered you get that champagne . clown . thanks , noodles . all this commotion just for a store . hey , its not just a store  its a megastore . mega means good , and store means thing . wow . what a high tech wonderland . oop , got an itch . ew . whoa . this place has everything even a shoplifting department . what convenience . im doin all my thievin here . this is so much nicer than the kwik e . oh . oh , im sorry , but , oh , it really is . yes , i know , but still  hey , dad . give me bucks . i gotta buy some things . better make it a hundred . yeah , me too . homer , dont you think youre spoiling  new music . man , all these bands are just rippin offjudas priest . oh , i hear this really sucks . hmm , directors commentary . im sorry . i am really sorry . ugh . ugh . i dont know what i was thinking but , uh , field of dreams was good , wasnt it . made us all believe again . oh , poor mr . costner . he tries so hard . ah , thanks . youre sweet to say that . uh , where are you . im back here . hi . will you bring me a sandwich . please . no no crusts . cool . step lively , smithers . that orphanage wont demolish itself . sir , although i do enjoy your loud , excessive honking it doesnt seem to be moving the crowd . deploy the cowcatcher . hey . what the  oh . once again , my underwear has become tangled in a cowcatcher . oh . oh , tarnation . ive got to see what the excitements about . make way . doctor coming through . excuse me . so sorry . pardon me , good sir . well , hi diddly thats a good lad . books and cocoa in the same store . whats next , a talking banana . hmm . uh , i dont see one , sir . no , of course not . the very notion of a talking banana is absurd . still  oh .  . attention , good shoppers of springfield . someone very special has just entered the store . the worlds most popular billionaire  oh , please . all this fuss for little old me . please welcome the owner of fortune megastores , arthur fortune . what . hello , springfield . hello , arthur . you know , ive done a lot of exciting things in my life . i went down mount everest on a boogie board . wow . climbed niagara falls . oh . oh . and just last month , i knocked out muhammad ali . oh , how awful . but this is the biggest thrill ever  the opening of my th store . yea . now im afraid ive got some bad news from my accountant today . it seems i have too much money . who wants a dollar . i do . ha . all right . whats your name , young man . i dont know . just give me the dollar . well , i hope this starts you on your way to a great fortune . now who wants the second dollar . i do . well , all right . here . now  i do . oh , the heck with it . dollars for everyone . fortune . fortune . that mans totally insane . this goes right in the old poor box . not so fast , old chum . whoo . mr . burns oh , that flamboyant fop . hes got them eating out of his hand . well , you have to admit , he is charismatic , sir . oh , bollish . anyone can lead a conga line . hop to it , smithers . springfield is still swooning from the whirlwind visit of playful plutocrat arthur fortune . oh . the man has no idea how to behave like a billionaire . wheres the dignity . wheres the contempt for the common man . this new breed of fun loving billionaire is a welcome change from the classic joyless miser brooding in his cavernous mansion  bah . bah . bah . bah . grasping a glass ofbrandy with his thin , clawlike fingers and a superior smirk on his greedy , soulless face . i thought i had everything  money , good looks , strong , sharp teeth . but whats it all worth when nobody likes you . i like you , sir . are you still here . easy . easy . hey . whoo hoo . look at me . i can juggle . uh , simpson . aaah . i need your help . i want to be loved . i see . well , ill need some beer . i want you to look at me the way i saw you look at arthur fortune . oh , arthur fortune . yes . thats the look im looking for . what would make you and your slovenly kind look at me that way . well , you dont have to call me slovenly . yes , exactly . thats the kind of pointer i need . tell me more , fatty . hmm . oh . this is a great idea , simpson . free silver dollars , compliments of c . montgomery burns . ow . ow . take it out . take it out . no . oh . put it back . put it back . that was a close one . wanna go bowling . maybe you should see a doctor about that coin in your brain . maybe you should mind your own business . afternoon , miss . oh . i cant believe it . im still not among the hundred most popular billionaires . im behind adam sandler , for gods sake . well , how about donating money to charity . lots of crazy old coots do that . a charitable donation , eh . well , theres a first time for everything . mmm . ah . take this check for to the springfield hospital . can do . now theres nothing to do but sit back and wait for the kudos to roll in . where are my kudos . hmm . no . we dont have any record of you giving the hospital any money , mr . burns . oh , but we did get a very generous donation from a mr . homer simpson . what . its not fair . its not fair . you  morphine , please . wait a minute . because i brought the check , they named a wing after me . oh , you must be mad . well , i will be when the morphine wears off , but until then  gee , i feel bad . if people knew the real monty burns and not the silver dollar , morphine addict youve become they might like you . yeah , if you wanna change your image , you gotta get your face out there . ew . on the radio . thats it . the radio . ill go on the most popular program of the day . i assume thats still don mcneill and his breakfast club . oh , get with the times , man . its jerry rude and the bathroom bunch . oh , i dont think mr . burns would like that show . whats the matter . think im not hip . i dont have enough  thank you , knickknack and paddywhack , the siamese midgets . well be sure to catch your new series on fox . good luck , mr . burns . and if you get in trouble i wrote some jokes about how white people are different from black people . hmm . how you doin , mr . burns . jerry rude . welcome to the show . i am pleased to  all right , lets get this geezer out quick so we can bring in the lesbian gladiators . you see , white people have names like lenny whereas black people have names like carl . zoom . now , mr . rude , i just want you to know im a good sport . if you want to make fun of my legendary love of cashews  you have at it . uh huh . all right . uh , how many times a day do you go to the can . oh , about i suppose . when are we going on the air . were on the air now , skeletor . what . question two how long is your wiener . seriously . great heavens . what kind of radiola show is this . all right , how about this . when was your first gay experience . oh , well , when i was six , my father took me on a picnic . that was a gay old time . ho ho . i ate my share of wieners that day . oh , that sounds lovely . queer . queer . um , ever murder anybody . murder . well , mistakes have been made . monty , ive heard youre a pretty flatulent guy . any comment on that . well , now , see here . stop that . attention , wireless listeners . most of the sounds you are now hearing are not being made by me . oh , stop . stop . wont someone please stop the farting . aah . dont worry , folks . hes not dead . i still hear some faint sounds of life . that didnt go well , did it . good thing those lesbians knew c . p . r . oh , whats the use . ill never be a popular , beloved billionaire like arthur fortune . oh , arthur fortune . you know what that fabulous man just did . he gave the springfield zoo two male pandas and got them to mate successfully . and a stunt like that impresses people . oh , yeah . and im not easily impressed . wow . a blue car . if a couple of chinese bamboo gobblers can win peoples hearts im going to bring them something that man has searched for since the dawn of time . a sober irishman . even rarer . whew .  . that was one long helicopter ride . do you really think you can capture the loch ness monster . i mean , hes eluded leonard nimoy and peter graves . peter graves couldnt find ugly at a radcliffe mixer . hey . hey . lets see now . we have the monsterometer flipper finder, , hoax a , which is important for the looking and finding  ugh . the whole towns turned out . ive never seen them so excited . hey , willie . that old couple looks just like you . aye . tis my ma and pa . they own a tavern hearabouts . they still have the same pool table on which i was conceived , born and educated . so youre back , son . aye . i suppose youll be leavin soon . aye . good . one more . wheres my monster , tubby . what do you people think im paying you for . uh , to work in your power plant . youre not payinme anything .  . you kidnapped me . i remember it distinctly with the grabbing and duct taping and the tennis ball in the mouth . it hurt me . the beast looks something like this . only without the saucy t shirt . check . okay . hes been down in that icy water for hours . how can the lad survive such brutal punishment . you monster . oh , my great , good god . gentlemen , your attention , please . i am detecting a gigantic amphibious life form . its meters long , and its heading this way . oh , good glavin . its on my shoe . its a  small frog . just get off . just get off there . just get out . get out . stupid machine . oh , wait a minute . this isnt the monsterometer . its the frog exaggerator . oy . were the laughingstock of the town . dont worry , mr . burns . were gonna find that monster no matter how long it takes . besides , im getting kind of used to wearing a kilt . can you believe im a size four . whoo . ach . aye . oh , its pointless hunting for an animal that has miles of water to hide in . drain the lake . what . you heard me . deploy the delochinator . oh . oh , pumping is hard . weve lost our homes and everything we hold dear . aye . i see it . i see the monster . nae . theres merely loch ness high schools discarded homecoming float . no way . aberdeen rules . god , its him . come on , boys . overpower it . fine . ill do it myself . that was amazing , mr . burns . i was a little worried when he swallowed me but , well , you know the rest . ah . and now for my triumphant return to springfield . monster fever has gripped springfield by the throat . and its all thanks to one man  montgomery burns has captured not only a legendary monster , but also our hearts . and by the way , girls , hes single . single . well , he passes the selma test . and now , presenting the ninth wonder of the world  the eighth being gomer pyles heavenly singing voice  i give you the loch ness monster . monty . monty . thank you . youre too kind . yes , thats it . let it all out . clutch me to your common bosom . hey , look . hes getting up . no , . stop it . stop it . youll enrage the beast .  . no pictures . youre driving him mad . aah .  . stop it .  . youre blinding me .  . oh . oh . i cant see . aah . run . mr . burns will kill us all . wait . dont go . love me . well , if you wanted people to love you sure blew it with that insane rampage . but you know what . to be loved , you have to be nice to people every day . but to be hated , you dont have to do squat . you know , perhaps youre right . i got so swept up with the notion of being liked , i completely forgot who i am . im a selfish old crank , and that fits me like a speedo . so what do we do with our friend here . uh , throw him in the dumpster . no , . i really want to give the lovable scamp a good home . doh . tough luck , simpson . come on , nessie . one more pull . okay , . want a shrimp cocktail . nah . yeah , theyre not great . shh . oh , i hear this really sucks . springfield . you promised to stop watching that telly and take me on holiday . shut up a your mouth . ethnic mismatch comedy has been canceled . while we scramble to find new programming please enjoy this encore presentation of princess dis funeral . i was really starting to enjoy ethnic mismatch comedy .  . ive never heard so many viagra jokes in seconds . shut up a your mouth . attention , springfield .  . how low will you go  to win a trip to hawaii . this saturday , ourjudges will select the lowest , most disgusting nitwit in town and send him straight to maui . sponsored by grandma plopwells the low fat pudding thats approved for sale the government . all right . a gross out contest . grandma plopwell , youve done it again . care for a free sample . thank you . mmm . for low fat , this puddings pretty good . mmm . mmm . i can feel the pounds just melting off . our new hyper sugar gives you of your minimum daily sweetness requirement . hmm . do you suffer from diabetes . no . well , you do now . we are here live in the k . b . b . l . parking lot to see how low will you go . our most disgusting contestant will win a free trip to hartford , connecticut . i thought it was hawaii . no one said hawaii . now lets get stupid with our first contestant the human garbage disposal . ladles and jelly spoons , i will now take going low to new heights . i will swallow anything  and i mean anything  you people throw . here , take this . please , no more spark plugs . lisa , would you like a penny to throw at your brother . unbelievable . were rewarding people for acting like buffoons . young lady , this may be the high point of barts life . cut him some slack . no , wait . that wasnt a trick . i was gonna juggle chickens . next up , homer and his amazing redenbacher dreamcoat with a number he calls kernel knowledge . four . oh , no . oh , this is so embarrassing . lisa , did anyone force you to come here today . you . hmm . well , no ones forcing you to stay . okay , im leaving . hup . youre not going anywhere , missy . but its me , moe , wearing a sailor suit . moe with a lolly . its so out of character . aint that worth nothin . come on . next . all rightjudges , who is our winner . the winner is me for being seen with you freaks . judges cant win the contest . boo . you have robbed us of our dignity . well , you  a urinal cake . you , sir , have crossed the line . oy . people , stop , .  . were not animals .  . take that . an open letter to the people of springfield . today , our town lost what remained of its fragile civility drowned in a sea of low fat pudding . look , i got runner up prize . you won second place . no , but i got it . stealing is wrong . free boudoir photography . sweet . hmm . oh , right . we are a town of lowbrows , no brows and ignorami . we have eight malls , but no symphony . thirty two bars , but no alternative theater . thirteen stores that begin with le sex . i write this letter not to nag or whine , but to prod . we can better ourselves . yeehaw . well , most of us . dad , did you see anything provocative in todays paper . yes , theres a real think piece here about a bra sale . dad , stop kidding around . look . they printed my letter . hey , that is wonderful , sweetie . im gonna read it just as soon as i finish what im doing here . well , im sure someone had the time to read it . i envy them . hi , mr . flanders . i see youre reading the newspaper . everything but the opinion page . i dont need to be told what to think by anyone living . chief wiggum . oh , you sure got a lot of copies of the paper . yeah , i need to housebreak our new police dog . plus , it couldnt hurt ralphie to brush up on the fundamentals . daddy says im this close to living in the yard . doesnt anybody in this town read . oh , hello , lisa . can you recommend any books for my mobile . oh , absolutely . well , you know , anything byjane austen . jane austen . thanks , lisa . ill get right on it . we read your letter with great interest . if you wish to learn more , go to euclid street . tell no one . and bring a dessert . ooh . hey , lise . whoa . whoa . lisa simpson are you ready to go on a voyage of intellectual self discovery . i think so . is that a pie or a quiche . a pie . you may enter . welcome to mensa , lisa . its the organization for people with high i . q . s . i know that . its also a constellation visible only from the southern hemisphere . shes good . shes very good . and she brought a cream pie . you want me to join mensa . oh , thats wonderful . but dont i have to take some sort of i . q . test . no , lisa , youre more than qualified . i shared all your standardized test scores with the other members . arent those supposed to be confidential . welcome to mensa . youve joined such luminaries as cartoonist , mel lazarus geena davis and parade magazines marilyn vos savant . each the tops in his or her field uh , except for mel lazarus . wow . im so honored you wanted me . well , it was your delightfully condescending letter that put you over the top . lindsay neagle , advanced capital ventures . oh , what do you produce . synergy , and books on how to cheat at bridge . lisa , i think youll really enjoy it here . now , lets get down to business . any new palindromes . rise to vote , sir . now , you know the agenda . palindromes , anagrams , eat lisas pie , then voting . but rise to vote , sir is a palindrome . good glavin . shes right . told you . lisa , i think youre gonna fit in just fine around here . wow . me , fit in . hello . i have a certificate for a free erotic photo session . oh , yes . your name . uh , geraldo simpson . all right , mr . simpson  who told you . dont worry . these photos are perfectly legal . many husbands use them as a romantic gift for their wives . uh , youre not gonna ask me to pose nude , are you . well , yes , unless you have some issues with revealing your body . well , i dont , but the block association seems to . they wanted a traditional santa claus . i cant believe how theyre dumbing down the springfield library . theyve gotten rid of the english literature section and replaced it with a make your bar . i heard they got rid of the reference desk to make room for an air hockey table . even the microfilm . even the microfiche . my family never talks about library standards . and every time i try to steer the conversation that way they make me feel like a nerd . we are hardly nerds . would a nerd wear such an irreverent sweatshirt . oh , only one person in a million would find that funny . yes , we call that the dennis miller ratio . oh , dad , i just spent the day with the most wonderful people . oh , thats great , honey . you tell me everything you can before the commercials over . for the first time in my life , i feel that someone understand  bup , . are you ready in there , mr . simpson . are you sure youre a fully accredited and bonded pornographer . just come out . please be kind . you look fantastic . let me just adjust my lens here . now youre sure this will save my marriage . try not to speak . its making your body ripple . hmm . dad . dad , are you home . fine .  . i dont care what youre doing .  . dont look .  . dont look .  . dont look .  . okay , i think hes gone . lets reschedule . this is so cool . i feel like im back in the renaissance . please stay in character , gentle wench . verily i declare that the earth revolves around the sun and not tother way around . stop looking down my blouse , copernicus . forsooth . mine eyes doth rove of their own accord . zounds . someone took our gazebo . no , thats impossible . we reserved it months ago . someone should stand up to them . oh , dear . hmm . ill do it . excuse me , gentlemen . might i take a peak at your gazebo reservation form . beat it . yes , well , we each have a good case . what part ofbeat it didnt you understand . hmm , i guess it would be the it . im not exactly sure to what that refers . its  ow . oh , its hopeless . there are some she males in gazebo three a nasty looking spider in gazebo six and the less said about gazebo eight , the better . ah , chief , thank god youre here . we reserved gazebo seven , and look . geez . how many gazebos do you she males need . beer me , boys . why do we live in a town where the smartest have no power and the stupidest run everything . maybe i should just move back to alabama . no . we should fix things here . if we put our minds to it , theres no limit to what we can accomplish . i think the girls right . good point . the jig is up , quimby . oh , god . when you see whats in this report , things are going to change in this town . i earned that lotto money . i swear . hyah . faster , you moron . oh . well , that was unexpected . whats going on . wheres the mayor . he skipped town . really . so , whos in charge . well , thats a good question . lets , uh , take a quick look at the town charter . done . finished . according to the charter , should the mayor abdicate a council of learned citizens may rule in his stead . well , theres no one more learned than us . so , i guess were in charge . what . let me see that . lets see here . we the people , cruel and unusual , blah , . ritual circumcision , yak , . ah , geez , ill take your word for it . i guess you are in charge . with our superior intellects we could rebuild this city on a foundation of reason and enlightenment . we could turn springfield into a utopia . a new athens . or walden two . yeah , a real candy land . of the mind . the mind . ill just go now . bunch of dorks . this is kent brockman at city hall where the intellectual junta known as the bright pack has been running this town for the better part of three days . so , lisa , what do you and your fellow eggheads have planned for the city . business as usual . no , kent . were gonna use the power of good ideas to change things for the better . well , excuse this jaded reporter if he says hes heard that before . oh , well , we really mean it . you do . yes . for example , no one was showing up for jury duty . so we made the experience more exciting by synergizing it with his comic book collection . you have been chosen to join thejustice squadron fortress of vengeance . oh , i am so there . we studied traffic patterns and found that drivers move the fastest through yellow lights . so now , we just have the red and yellow lights . come on . stay yellow . stay yellow . man , im making record time , if only i had someplace to be . and weve really elevated the level of discourse at the dog track . we replaced the fanfare with classical music . and instead of chasing a rabbit , the dogs chase a diploma . the world has already taken note of our accomplishments . springfield has moved up to number on the list of americas take that , east st . louis . gee . you said you were gonna make me look sexier , but its awfully dark in here . light is not your friend . all right , lets do this thing . its time to get homer erotic . okay , next item ofbusiness is our weekly progress report . principal skinner , hows your transportation project coming . oh , excellent . not only are the trains now running on time theyre running on metric time . remember this moment , people  its the dawn of an enlightened springfield . excellent . now , next week is our state of the city address . has everyone finalized their proposals . well , first of all , i have a plan to eliminate obesity in females . oh , please . for a nickel a person tax increase we could build a theater for shadow puppets . balinese or thai . why not both . then everybodys happy . oh , yeah . everyones real happy then . do i detect a note of sarcasm . are you kidding me . this baby is off the charts . oh , a sarcasm detector . thats a real useful invention . marge . oh , marge . ive got something for you . oh , homie . houston , we have a problem . a sexy problem . homie . well , look at you . im gonna maul you . homer , ive never seen this side of you . but i like it . whoo , whoa . look at those silk pillows . its like the set of some high class porno film . no , . its just our basement . hold on . wait . thats our basement . yeah . so . come on . more kissing . it looks so elegant . and all it takes are some lace curtains and a beaded lampshade . youve got to show me exactly what you did . but i was gonna score . no , you werent . welcome , everyone . today , we embark on a new era of intelligent governance . governance . governance . governance .  . we have some new rules and regulations that youre gonna just go ape poopy over . professor frink . well , first of all were going to ban such barbaric sports as bullfighting and cockfighting . also , boxing , both kick and the kind with the gloves . good . and hockey , football , push ups and anything in general where you have to take off your shirt , which is embarrassing . i dont remember discussing that . inspired by the most logical race in the galaxy , the vulcans breeding will be permitted once every seven years . for many of you , this will mean much less breeding . for me , much , more . ya cannot do that , sir . ya dont have the power . ladies and gentlemen , i must apologize . this man does not speak for the council of alphas . we hold you subomeguloids in the highest regard . when are we gonna get to my broccoli juice program . quit butting in , please . your i . q . is a mere while mine is a muscular . i am smart . much smarter than you , hibbert . you should all do what i say . my i . q . is for crying out glavin . big deal . my i . q . is . stephen hawking . the worlds smartest man . what are you doing here . i wanted to see your utopia . but now i see it is more of a fruitopia . im sure what dr . hawking means is  silence . i dont need anyone to talk for me , except this voice box . you have clearly been corrupted by power . for shame . larry flynt is right . you guys stink . i dont know which is a bigger disappointment  my failure to formulate a unified field theory , or you . i dont like your tone . if you are looking for trouble , you found it . yeahjust , try me , you  nows our opening . come on , you idiots . were taking back this town . yeah . lets make litter out of these literati . thats too clever . youre one of them . please stay calm everyone . time for this hawk to fly . wrong button . help . lisa , thank god youre okay . did you have fun with your robot buddy . dad . oh , dr . hawking , we had such a beautiful dream . what went wrong . dont feel bad , lisa . sometimes the smartest of us can be the most childish . even you . no , not me . never . i guess everyone has a different vision for the perfect world . wow , mom , thats very profound . hey , you read that off my screen . whos up for some beers . i am . thats the smartest thing ive heard all day . your theory of a doughnut shaped universe is intriguing , homer . i may have to steal it . wow . i cant believe someone i never heard of is hanging out with a guy like me . all right , its closing time . whos paying the tab . i am . i didnt say that . yes , i did . doh . shh . larry flynt is right .  . you guys stink .  . springfield . hey , why didnt you tell me the new issue of weird was here . i love their hilarious send ups of hit movies . dad , its not  gigabytes . theyve done it again . gigabytes . wait this isnt weird . why , theres no magazine called weird , is there . this is wired . its about computers and technology . hey , look . theres a cybercafe opening right here in springfield . will you take me , dad . please . ill show you how to order pizza over the internet . the internet . is that thing still around . i know a web site that shows monkeys doin it . bart , the internet is more than a global pornography network . its a  come on , lisa . monkeys . ach . lets see whats been captured on the up kilt camera . ew . this lass needs a bit of grounds keeping . eh . aah . thats willie . my name is mary . im heavy and willing to settle for less . wow . this marys got the whole package . wow , dad . youre surfin like a pro . oh , yeah . im betting on jai alai in the cayman islands . i invested in something called news corp  dad . thats fox . undo . undo . dad , do we have any money left . well , lets check the old bank account . see . even after my cyber squandering weve still got . all right , dorks , this is a holdup . oh , yes . download to papa . yoink dot adios , back slash losers . we were robbed . you seem to know an awful lot about this for an innocent person . we were saving that money for our family vacation . now were gonna have to start all over again . aw , dont worry , sweetheart . ill get us the money  even if i have to get a second job . evenin , neighbor . low on funds again . yes , sir . now , homer , we cant have you burglarizing us every time you got a bill to pay . i know , sir . im sorry , sir . its just that you and maude live like royalty in your fancy castle while i got marge trapped over there like a pig in a mud beehive . oh , were were not as well off as you think . we give to eight different churches just to hedge our bets and the leftoriums business has gone way down hill since leftopolis moved in next door . if youre not rich , then how come you have a new refrigerator an electric can opener , a milk shake machine . we picked those up cheap . they were evidence at a murder trial . sweet . we got that tip at the chuck garabedian mega savings seminar . go on . he taught us how to live a burt reynolds lifestyle on a mac davis income . weve already got tickets for his next seminar . i think youll find living thrifty a lot more satisfying than stealing . maybe youre right , ned . maybe youre right . are you tired of missing out on the good things in life  family vacationsjet , packs , solid gold dancers . theres only three left in the world . well , stick around , cause im gonna tell you the savings secrets wall street wont tell you . then ill show you the three ways to get back to the highway  including one shortcut those wall street fat cats dont want you to know . oh , here we go with the fat cat bashing . well , what do you expect . these yokels are pure baltic avenue . uh oh . im late for the short line railroad . lets start with mega secret number one ya gotta squeeze every penny . you see this tux . i got it cheap cause roy cohn died in it . that fancy yacht . a bargain , cause it smells like cat pee . and those beautiful women . they used to be men . the point is , ya gotta squeeze every penny . come on , let me hear you . squeeze every penny . squeeze every penny . im squeezing . im squeezing it . hey , i squeezed so hard it went into my hand . oh , homer , not again . ew . were gonna do our grocery shopping at a store . well , maybe for your wedding . how about here . not if we want that vacation . look , mom . they have your dress . thirty three cents . i paid almost double that . blue . wow . this planktons only cents . according to the mexican council of food this expired two years ago . sure , by their standards , but we live in america . this also says it can cause red tide poisoning . but its so cheap . well , lets see whats in the old vacation fund . homer , you could have just unscrewed the bottom . a little late for could haves, , marge . i dont think theres enough here for a vacation . there is for a mega savings vacation . chuck garabedian says you can fly mega cheap if you dont care where you go . thats right . just go to the airport and wait for some no shows . then you can buy their seats for a fraction of the price . are you going through our garbage . thats right . you fat cats didnt finish your plankton . now its mine . hawaii , here we come . no . no . were going to paris . i can feel it . come on , transylvania . no , mon , lets go home tojamaica . i and i been in babylon too long . woman on p . a . attention . flight to tokyo is ready for departure and has four available mega saver seats . yeah . come on , homer . japan . no , notjapanjamaica , . i wanna pass the dutchie on the left hand side . never mind . looks like the flanders are gonna get those seats anyway . oh , so flanders thinks he can steal our vacation , huh . come on . whoo . sayonara , suckers . yea . the simpsons are going tojapan . hey , watch the gongjerk , . come on , homer . japan will be fun . you liked rashomon . thats not how i remember it . besides , if we wanna see japanese people we could have gone to the zoo . homer . what . the guy who washes the elephants is japanese . his name is takashi . hes in my book club . look , mom . the safety instructions are written in haiku . fasten seat belts tight . your seat cushions float gently . headsets , five dollars . sir , it is not safe to use electronic devices yet . youre the waitress . turn it back on .  . turn it back on .  . oh . i never knew jim belushi made so many movies . yeah , isnt it amazing . theyre filming one right now in the bathroom . gonna be on towards the end of the flight . toga . toga . toga . marge , they stole my idea . the local time is tomorrow . heres our room . homer , youre supposed to slide those doors open . i dont have time for that . welcome . i am honored to accept your waste . theyre years ahead of us . mom . lise . check it out . dads on tv . oh , yeah . its breathtaking . look . theres the imperial gardens . the meiji shrine . the hello kitty factory . whos up for some exploring . hey , im still checking outjapanese tv . isnt this that cartoon that causes seizures . bart , what are you doing . hey , what the  hmm . all right . robots be right back . whoo . all that seizing made me hungry . me too . lets go to an authentic japanese noodle house . the toilet recommended a place called americatown . dad , we didnt come halfway around the world to eat at americatown . id like to see thejapanese take on the club sandwich . i bet its smaller and more efficient . we now return to battling seizure robots . i cant believe they stuck us at tax a . hey , you know , i once knew a man from nantucket . and . lets just say the stories about him are greatly exaggerated . howdy , gangstas . i am average american joe salary man waiter . these prices suck . dont you serve anything thats even remotelyjapanese . dont ask me . i dont know anything . i am product of american education system . i also build poor quality cars and inferior style electronics . oh , they got our number . one square watermelon , please . oh , my goodness . homer , those are . its worth every cent . im tired of fumbling with round fruit . doh . well , maybe we should just head back to the hotel . but you promised me wed do something japanese . oh , of course youre right . you know , i read about a shinto teahouse where they practice the traditional  run , bart . hey . isnt that woody allen . hmm . looks like hes doing a commercial . oh . hello . so many rice crackers claim to be low cal but only fujikawa rice crackers make your interiors go bananas . what did i do to deserve this . oh , right . mmm . fifty dollar pretzels . hey , whats baby huey doin . says here they throw salt before they wrestle to purify the ring . hmm . spare some salt , tubby . tubby . yoink . hey , thats mine . hey . like we say in my county , hasta la vista , baby . congratulations . i am the emperor . yeah . and im clobber saurus . all hail emperor clobbersaurus . your wife has paid your bail , mr . simpson san . thank god . couldnt take another minute in this hellhole . now can we do something japanese . oh , im sick of doing japanese stuff . in jail we had to be in this dumb kabuki play about the ronin and i wanted to be yoshi , but they made me ori . then we had to do two hours of origami followed by flower arranging and meditation . honey , i know you wanna seejapan but were down to our last million yen . dont worry , ichiban . ill show you something japanese . oh , its beautiful , dad . its a crane . thejapanese believe they bring good luck . oh , be careful . we need that money to get home . no . now , mr . simpson i know you lost all your money , but dont worry . the united states will not stand idly by while one of its citizens is stuck here like this . but , mr . ambassador , how are we going to get home . beats me . try getting a job and earning some money . thats what i did . by the way , ambassador is taken . every truckload of fish we gut brings us cents closer to those tickets home . and i think i finally found what i was put on this earth to do . knife goes in , guts come out . knife goes in , guts come out . spare my life and i will grant you three wi  knife goes in , guts come out . yippee . time for the company loyalty song . well , this sucks . what else is on . thank you . you have fulfilled our dreams , and dreams of our ancestors . tune in tomorrow , when another lucky family tries to win their dreams on happy smile super challenge family wish show . family wish show . hmm . that gives me an idea . i think we all had that idea . i didnt . what is it . lunch . thank you , thank you . and welcome to our contestants from america , the simpson family . you honor us . dont patronize me . now , simpson family , have you picked a wish . well , i havent talked it over with the family  but i think wed all like a free dinner at americatown . no , . we want plane tickets home to springfield . now , our game shows are a little different from yours . your shows reward knowledge . we punish ignorance . ignor what . okay , lets begin . our categories are ow . that hurts . why are you doing this to me . and please let me die . ow . that hurts . oh , yeah , number one . definitely . i dont know . i like why are you doing this . ow . that hurts . well go with ow . that hurts , skip . my name is wink . all right , simpsons , whack the pinata . come on . whack that pig open . once more . harder . whack it open . good . all right . you may remove your blindfolds . oh , sorry , dad . we didnt know . i had an inkling . could someone please whack my hernia back in . sure , thing , dad . mr . simpson , well cut you down as soon as you answer one question aboutjapan . is the answer japan . actually , it is . that means you move on to the lightning round . he seems okay but he is being burned internally . hey , isnt that homer on thejapanese channel . if thats homer , then who the hells been puttin beers on his tab . doh . whoo hoo . uh that boy aint right . congratulations , simpsons . the airline tickets are yours . all you have to do is to pick them up from inside that volcano . why are you so cruel . this vacation really blows . well , at least were past the lighting round . hmm . i see . i sure hope they dont have an ice cream round . mmm . i dont think that bridge can support much weight . well , maggie weighs a lot less than  oh , ill just go . plummet . plummet . plummet . plummet . plummet .  . plummet .  . plummet .  . plummet .  . plummet .  . plummet .  . yes . got em . u . s . a .  . u . s . a .  . u . s . lisa . oh .  . marge . your shoe . the plane tickets . whoa . whoa . oh , im afraid this might be the end . well , at least well die doing what we love  inhaling molten rock . it burns . it burns . dont worry , that lava is just orangeade made by our sponsor , osaka orangeade concern . it burns . it burns . its loaded with wasabi . kudos , simpsons . you have won your freedom . before i go , i want to say something . game shows arent about cruelty . theyre about greed and wonderful prizes like poorly built catamarans . but somewhere along the line , you lost your way . for shame . coming up next , a canadian couple who say they are deathly afraid of scorpions . oh , that stings , eh . oh , god . ow . oh . sting those canucks . i love this show . take that , you stupid hosers . good bye,japan , . ill miss your kentucky fried chicken and your sparkling , whale free seas . hey , whats goin on . whats happening . man on p . a . folks , were experiencing some moderate godzilla related turbulence at this time , so im gonna go ahead and ask you to put your seat belts back on . when we get to feet he usually does let go so from there on out , all we have to do is worry about mothra , and we do have reports hes tied up with gamera and rodan at the present time . thank you very much . shh . undo .  . undo .  . 